#-he is doomed to this constant cycle of messing things up when its not his own fault and having other point their fingers at him

[serenheist]

What Jennie is like in a relationship/ Relationship with G-Dragon Tarot reading

I know the anon asked for just a love life reading on Jennie but I’m extra and did everything lmao

What is the true nature of Jennie’s relationship with gdragon? Gloominous doom reversed 56, ace of swords, the hanged man reversed, lady of masks, triumph of lies, the glanconer 62 reversed

Oh god lmao. I don’t know why but I get the feeling this “relationship” is just for GD to be back on good terms with the korean general public. He got flack for smoking weed before, seungri shit, abandoning his dog, dating kiko etc etc. I really feel like him dating Jennie is just so the public has a better opinion of him when he decides to have a comeback lmao. Anyway the true nature of this relationship is literally someone full of extreme self pity had an idea to do this because it will make them look better and vice versa. But now there’s a feeling of being trapped. I really think this is an orchestrated relationship that was rushed and not based on actual love but for a specific purpose. But I do think it’s legit in the sense that it’s not that they’re not dating at all. But since Yg didn’t deny anything we can tell it’s “real”. Yg always denies if it’s definitely not a real relationship and always stays vague when it’s real. It’s made to look real for the public to get them talking but the core itself isn’t real. Basically pr shit. idc even if they got married none of this is real lmao.

I pulled 2 more cards from 2 different decks for extra clarification and I got the lady of masks and triumph of lies. You can’t make this up lol. “She reshapes the physical appearance of the souls who seek her out but this change is pure vanity, changing nothing of who they are at the core” it basically reflects who you want to be. This relationship is to make both parties look better lol. I feel that this is also a double meaning geared towards Jennie only because later cards in this reading continuously mention her wearing a mask. Triumph of lies is about keeping up appearances. This relationship is about living up to the expectations that society wants from you. I feel like it’s not just what people in the company want but also could be friends and family who put pressure on making this relationship happen for both. I can really see that since GD has a past of dating mostly models and the public has always been negative about everyone he’s dated except Jennie since she has a better reputation and for her this relationship can boost her status even more dating the king of kpop and being a power couple. I pulled a last card just to ask why you would need to fake a whole relationship even though we already know at this point and it’s redundant but I wanted to see how many times I can get cards saying the same shit. The glanconer 62 reversed: basically AGAIN someone is pretending to be other than they really are. I think both of them even believe in their own lie at this point and idk there’s a level of thinking you’re better than others so it’s okay to fool them anyway. Whatever makes you look good.

Who is Jennie in this/ her shadow aspect: obsession 3, gd: today for tomorrow 32

Since the beginning cards were pretty negative I wanted to dive deeper into Jennie and GD’s shadow aspects. And just use these cards to differentiate between them. GD is today for tomorrow and for Jennie I got obsession. The biggest shadow aspect to Jennie is that she feels as if she needs something whether that be a person, an idea, an object etc to give meaning to her life. She can also become really fixated on things to the point where that is the entire focal point of her life. It numbs her attention to other things.

How does Jennie feel about gd and how does he feel about her? Solus 13, the high priestess, the hierophant, gd: the guardian at the gate 3, queen of wands reversed, the fool

Jennie: Jennie feels that GD is someone who when you don’t know who to turn to or what to do, he is the person who can help you out. He encourages you stand on your own feet and utilize your own wisdom. But he also recognizes that you can’t do everything on your own so he helps you make the right connections with the right people and basically like a mentor position. I feel like they both almost see this connection as something “divine” at least in the beginning they could’ve convinced themselves this was this big divine intervention. But the reality started to set in and Jennie saw a different side of someone who has lost touch and went from being someone to look up to to becoming more “corrupted”. He no longer practices what he preaches, there’s lies mixed in with truth and the lines between right and wrong became more blurred. He does what he can to stay in power.

GD: He feels that Jennie is a new opportunity for a huge change. She’ll help provide an opportunity for him to make a big shift in his life. But at the same time he feels like she’s guarding herself and not being authentic with him. “Wearing masks that do not fit you”. I think he’s seen her change moods often from not figuring out how to release her passion and creativity in a healthy way and become more jealous and wanting to tear down others when she’s feeling down. Cause the queen of wands would be stepping in your power not hiding behind anything and appearing exactly how you are. Reversed it can bring out bring dramatic and feeling out of control of your own life and lack of enthusiasm. I think he’s seen her lose her passion for even being in the industry itself. I think that’s he’s wanting to take a leap of faith into something new I don’t know if he would want to stay in this “relationship” but I’m seeing it more of him going off on his own and stop worrying about the fear of the unknown. Honestly both seem like a hot mess for each other there’s a lot of work they gotta do on themselves separately because this whole connection is weird and toxic.

How long does it take her to get into a relationship? Does she prefer long or short term relationships? Princess of pentacles, 3 of swords, queen of swords 5 of wands reversed, 2 of wands, temperance reversed

She’s always been observant and was careful before in the beginning of relationships but no amount of carefulness can’t prevent heartbreak. It kind of hardened her and she learned how to play the game so to speak. The fact that the queen of swords is holding a severed head tells you all you need to know what happens if you break her heart. She seems burnout with relationships but at the same time can’t stop herself from not being in one because then you’ll be alone with your demons. I think she does prefer long term relationships but Jennie seems to go from one extreme to another. She plans for the long term but she also can’t control her emotions because they’re so intense. She’ll sabotage it and rush into a relationship with someone because she’s already planning this whole future and the other person is like “uhhh we just met..?” I think she builds up a fantasy in her head and gets carried away at times. And that’s where a lot of conflict and arguments arise and the cycle continues.

Past and present relationships. past: firgun 10 magick of you oracle, 2 of pentacles, Present: Euphoria 9, 5 of cups

I hate this word but I feel like in her past relationships she felt like the person she was with was her “twin flame”. This person was her mirror basically, every little thing she was and did was mirrored back to her. It was about learning how to heal the anger and hurt and learn to be happy for others success. But the relationship itself was a constant act of balancing career and love and all the ups and downs. It seems like even in her present love life she is still lingering over past relationships and now hides her actual feelings. There’s a lot of mask imagery in this whole reading. And not seeing everything you already have but being consumed with the thoughts of what went wrong or why it isn’t this way. And no longer sharing your true self fully. Instead there’s an element of not her not taking care of herself physically. Sharing herself intimately with people who treat her like garbage, poor eating, dragging yourself through workouts, excess of toxic substances; these are examples.

What is she like in a relationship? Eternal servitor, 10 of pentacles reversed, the lady of the harvest 18 reversed, the singer of intuition 7

This imagery of a person with no face and a whole in its chest really stands out to me again. It seems that when Jennie is in a relationship she still hides her true self and is constantly on a never ending search to fill something in herself that she feels is lacking. I think she uses money, clothing, love itself as a way to distract herself from this emptiness she feels inside and each time she wants more and more. Like she has to upgrade to the next biggest thing and it traps her in an infinite loop of never being satisfied. Idk but I guess it’s her wanting the world to see her importance; if she has these things then she is now worthy and it gives her a feeling of purpose. It’s not just the pressure of herself needing the best “thing” but a loooot of pressure from family and others to find a “suitable” partner. They need to come from the right background, make this amount of money, etc so her family can show off how wonderful this partner is and how amazing Jennie is doing. Even the next card “the lady of the harvest” reversed speaks of this again. It’s crazy how almost all of the cards are just saying the same thing. It’s about staying in denial and refusing to accept a loss and cling onto pain instead. Jennie is the type of person who thinks “if I can’t have it, no one will”. When she sees something she wants and can’t get it she will go into destruction mode because she feels that it’s the only solution. She’s not a forgive and forget person. A line in this guidebook really stands out to me “if you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it.” Pretty much sums up her mentality. Even if she enters a new relationship her mind is consumed by the past and the present relationship is only to save face and show off the image she tries to create to please literally everyone except herself. I think she’s very perceptive and can know someone who she’s with inside and out. She’s also very aware of the image she needs to uphold. There’s pretty much nothing you can hide from her because her intuition is so strong.

What is her "type"? the piper 24, 8 of wands reversed, Ta’Om the poet 29, Arthur

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: she likes musicians. Also the fact that this is legit the only faerie in this 66 card deck playing an instrument so what are the odds. She appreciates someone who pays attention to the subtle expressions of feelings and ideas and can see into her soul basically. It’s communication without words and that makes music that can heal your sorrows and pains. Someone that listens to not just surface level words but to the deeper meaning that can only be heard with your heart. Seductive, someone who looks serious but is actually mischievous and fun.

He encourages you to unfold your wings and fly, do the things you’re afraid to do, stop being silent and speak up, have a youthful spirit and do the thing you’ve been putting off for so long. He has a lust for life, adventure, an excellent storyteller and writing skills and a huge imagination. He has the power to inspire action with just his words. He sees things as they really are and sees beauty in all things even in the darkness and difficulty of life. He doesn’t take life so seriously though he knows how to laugh at himself and knows how silly it is to be sad over hardships in life. He doesn’t care for society’s expectations he’s a free spirit. But at the same time he slows down and knows how to enjoy the journey and not rush by the seat of his pants. He’s someone that’ll stand the test of time and be by her side through thick and thin.

What is her love language? Myk the myomancer 42, the oak men 47, 10 of wands

Idk if this really fits into any of the “official”love languages but her love language is someone seeing the small details, seeing meaning in the little things. So maybe little gifts even that don’t have to be huge but just shows that you’ve paid attention to what she likes as long as it has meaning and is well thought out. When you can’t see the finish line and it looks like it’s impossible to keep going that person is there to have your back. Also someone that sees her for who she truly is in her heart and can look past the superficial hard exterior cause I’m pretty sure it’s just a defense mechanism mixed with the environment she grew up and past relationships and she’s not actually the Antichrist contrary to how negative this reading may seem.

Probably typos but whateves

[chikkou]

okay i was scrolling through your blog, im not a follower or anything, but i see youre passionate about the lisa series. i want your opinion on something, dingaling said that the worst character in the series is lisa, and that his least favorite is buddy. fair enough for buddy, but i think its really cruel and unfair to say lisa is worse than her father, who literally made her commit suicide. even if she treated people bad, it was marty that made her act that way. thoughts?

oh anon, i am so fucking sorry but u just awakened the fucking beast and u dont even know it LMAO

i agree that calling lisa the worst character in the series is extremely unfair given all the terrible people we encounter, and of course that she only acted the way she did because of her OWN abuser, but this is the reasoning dingaling gave when people obviously commented on this: 

and i can actually understand what he was trying to say here. calling her the “worst” is a poor choice of words and that title definitely belongs to someone like marty or bolo, but in terms of impact, lisas death is absolutely the biggest driving force behind the entire olathe universe, and almost exclusively in bad ways. to wit:

- the most obvious example is the thread of the armstrong family (specifically marty, brad, lisa, and buddy. ill get into rando separately). because of lisas suicide, brad began abusing painkillers and alcohol and became an addict. his addiction made him a terrible father to buddy, and his constant regret over lisa meant that he never really saw buddy as an entity separate from lisa. buddy doesnt even know any of this, but she knows that brad doesnt see the real her, and is probably aware to a certain extent that she is living in the shadow of a ghost.

- lisas suicide is also what drives brad to keep buddy instead of giving her to rando as a baby, as he considers her his best chance at atonement. if lisa had not died, brad would likely not have been so obsessive, and wouldve seen the benefit of giving buddy to someone who had the resources to keep her well-protected. by extension, lisas suicide is what makes him so desperate to get buddy back before the unthinkable happens, and its why he doesnt really give a second thought to mowing down innocent people just because they happen to be in his path

- speaking of rando, theres a direct correlation between lisas death and most of what happened to him. while the timeline isnt exactly clear on when things happened, it seems the most likely that brad adopted him not long before her suicide, as buzzo mutilating his face seems to have been in response to it. if lisa had not died, buzzo would have had no reason to literally scar rando for life, and brad would not have disowned/estranged him (as this was implied to be due to extreme guilt after seeing what buzzo did to him) 

- and of course, the person who was impacted by lisa the most - bernard, aka “buzzo” - wouldnt even EXIST if lisa hadnt died. now, granted, the worst things lisa actively did herself all involve buzzo: she convinced him to mutilate animals to practice amputation, then did the same with herself even though buzzo told her he didnt want to, and may or may not have been manipulating him the whole time instead of genuinely caring for him (that last point is heavily debatable, and personally i think she DID really love and trust him, but its worth mentioning nonetheless). but in my personal opinion, given what she was experiencing every single day, its really hard for me to blame her for thinking that she had no other alternative.

all that said, having buzzo mutilate her was a clear last resort to get marty to stop abusing her, and theres a strong implication that lisas suicide came very shortly after that plan failed. even though buzzo was already pretty messed up from the previously mentioned mutilations, lisas death was absolutely the catalyst that flipped him into murder/revenge mode. he blamed brad wholeheartedly for not “saving” her, and punishes him repeatedly throughout the games (by cutting randos face off, by force-feeding him joy to ensure hed mutate, by forcing him to either kill his friends or be amputated, so on and so forth). you can argue that perhaps he wouldve still “become” buzzo if he still mutilated her and she didnt kill herself, but i absolutely think that he would not have harbored nearly as much ill will toward brad if lisa had lived. that leads me to my final point, pretty much the biggest reason why i see what austin is saying, but it still pales in comparison to this:

- olathe itself probably wouldnt even exist if lisa hadnt died. her suicide was one of the major driving forces behind buzzo deciding to work with yado, and it was only because of their joint cooperation that olathe became what it is. we still dont know the exact nature of the flash, but its strongly implied that the creation and distribution of joy was a key part of the process, and that wouldnt have happened without buzzo. if lisa hadnt died, buzzo wouldnt have had any reason to work with yado at all. this means that, as an indirect cause of lisas death, all of humanity was doomed to go extinct. 

and thats what i think austin really meant, especially with that comment that “she wont ever die.” lisa is in everything, every part of olathe and every person who exists there, and they dont even know it. because of lisas trauma, and all the horrible things she had to withstand at the hands of a man, her memory becomes something of a vengeful ghost. she sticks with brad and convinces him to adopt a child he has no means of caring for and repeating the cycle of abuse. she sticks with buzzo and convinces him to punish brad for her death because he has to blame somebody, anybody for what happened to her. she sticks with buddy, who doesnt even know her name, and convinces her to take back her autonomy and her life, even if that means killing everyone in her path. i also think thats why buzzo says that lisa would have loved olathe had she lived to see it; its basically a world made to punish the same kinds of people as the person who caused her untimely death in the first place.

now, again, it can easily be debated that MARTY is actually the one with the biggest (negative) impact, since it is because of his abuse that lisa dies and that brad is severely traumatized, violent, and dealing with concurrent addictions. but hes not the direct catalyst for anything that came after the flash. he didnt kill lisa. in fact, her death is probably the last thing he wanted, fucking monster that he is - lisas suicide was one of the few things lisa got to choose for herself. and i think the fact that marty is delegated to one fairly short conversation and battle in the game proper is what clinches it for me; even though he is definitely a disgusting monster and drove a good portion of the plot, its lisa herself that has the most direct impact. so i would never call lisa the worst at fucking all, but in terms of the most widespread impact on the world as a whole? yeah, thats gotta go to lisa. theres a reason the games still bear her name, after all.

i also have some thoughts about his opinions on buddy but this is already too fucking long so im just gonna stop it here LMAO

tl;dr lisa is not the worst character at all, but has the most widespread negative impact on the world out of every character in the game

[starfighter10]

tlou2 opinion

So I really had to share my opinion(rant) on the last of us part 2 and boy I have a lot to say. I am gonna dwell deep into this one, so bear with me if you can and want to

 But before that I have to share the feelings I hold for tlou1.Back when I finished tlou1, I knew I experienced something truly magical. I was pleasantly surprised by the beautifully crafted story, the execution of the characters, the music, the gameplay , and the effort that went into shaping the journey of the game,the character arcs and bonds. You could see and experience the uniqueness and passion that went into the first project. This game immediately became a favourite of mine.

When tlou2 was announced, my expectations were skyhigh,was elated to continue Joel and Ellie's journey and how it unfolds. The bar set by the first one was exceptionally high and probably impossible to achieve, but I had trust and faith in naughty dog, thought they couldn't go wrong with this one. After experiencing tlou2 , I am speechless.... not in a good way. I have no words to express my disappointment,frustration and anger I feel right now. I don't even know where to begin.... the absolute mess of a plot, the original characters being blatantly ignored, retconned and disrespected in favour of new bland characters, the plotholes in the story, the false advertising and marketing, naughty dog's hubris, making a complete mockery of your fans who are paying money to play something but getting baited for something else. I am utterly heartbroken and angry.

The plot - the driving force of the game is over ambitious, lazy,sloppy and nihilistic. It felt forced. Naughty dog bit off more then they could chew with this one. Tlou2 could have gone several ways in terms of plot with the existing characters, yet we get the cliche revenge plotline with the character abandoning the quest altogether to realise revenge isn't the answer. This trope has been done several times before, with more finesse and better execution. The writers aim for the " Ellie breaks the cycle of the revenge" but it really fails to achieve this as she blatanly annihilates several characters,npcs along the way in quest of her revenge. The damage has been done practically speaking. According to naughty dog's logic , I should expect Nora's sister or a random npc's friend/relatives in tlou3 hunting down Ellie in their revenge quest. Also Abby's quest literally does nothing for me. This character was so poorly written, executed and shoved down our throats, I didn't have any sort of attachment or empathy for her. I simply don't care about this character.

The circumstances that lead to Joel's death was out of character as well. Since the trailer drop in 2016, I was prepared for his inevitable death. Thought he would probably go out like the badass he is, maybe sacrificing himself for Ellie/tommy. The Joel I know from tlou1, a hardened survivor who has fought tooth and nail to survive the past 20 years would NEVER end up in a situation like that. Joel was intensely alert, critical,clever and intuitive. The argument here may be that he has softened in Jackson, but I feel at this point this should be 2nd nature to him. Something that is automatic. Yet the writer's now want you to believe he is a dumbass who would trust a group of strangers, make small talk and introductions and end up in a situation like that. One of the bigger issues was the constant reinforcing that Joel wiped down the fireflies in cold blood and doomed humanity for death by robbing them of their cure for survival,Ellie believing the cure would have been a guaranteed sure shot success ..... WHY? This retcons the first one completely. The beauty of the tlou1 was it's moral ambiguity and uncertainty. We were constantly hinted that fireflies is a mess of a group whose agendas weren't clearly known, whose actions caused the sacrifice of many people for the sake of a slight possibility of a cure.They were power hungry and were cruel enough to send a 14 year old girl to her death with no remorse,consent or any proper investigation or medical research. Joel initially negotiates to find someone else, gets shut down immediately, gets his means of survival snatched and was practically marched to his death. He had no option but to wipe clean these people who planned on killing someone dear to him, for something that is uncertain or in vain. And yes this was a selfish decision on Joel's part, and that was the beauty of it. The moral ambiguity. He was right or wrong or both - open to your interpretation. BUT NOW NAUGHTY DOG WANTS TO TO ERASE ALL THAT DEVELOPMENT. The active reinforcement that Joel was a cold, ruthless murderer who killed fireflies and deprived humanity of its cure? Trying to erase the fact that he was surviving and trying to keep his dear ones safe in this cold, brutal and unforgiving postapocalyptic world. So that we sympathize with Abby and enjoy golfing the tf outa Joel?. Ellie seems like a different character in this one, but again this character is immediately pushed to a whirlwind of traumatic events right from the start of the game. I missed her spark of joy,humour and enthusiasm. The treatment of the main chatacter in her own game is utterly cruel and disappointing, and seemed unfair to me. By the end, Ellie is broken beyond repair. Though she thematically chooses to be the better person and gives up on her vengeance and hate, she still manages to be on the losing side as she ends up losing her father figure which was her closest bond, loses Dina and the kid , she doesn't have her community, her people, her fucking fingers as well. Why? So Ellie could suffer a little more and be unable to do most important thing that bonded her to Joel. Not to mention she loses her switchblade too, her mother's final memory. Surprised that ND spared her mother's letter . Feel her pain and despair. Why does Ellie get such a shitty,depressing, worthless, futile and a hopeless conclusion while Abby not only gets her revenge successfully, forms a close bond in Lev and gets to escape possibly to a fresh start. Ellie? Nah she gets to suffer alone. Her BIGGEST FEAR has become a reality by the end. The least they could do is let Ellie have some solace and calm, surrounded by her loved ones on that farm,her trying to recover from her trauma slowly but surely, it's what joel would have wished for. But no, she is left all alone, absolutely traumatized, all by herself with nothing to look forward to. Oh and tommy is whole new character in every scene. So keep your eyes peeled for various versions of tommy throughout. The character inconsistencies are ridiculous.

The gameplay, beautiful sceneries, and new characters like dina and jesse are few of the positives of game - leaning more towards Jesse. Dina felt perfect for Ellie and Jesse did manage to lighten up few of the moments. The space shuttle cutscene, the museum flashback sequence, ellie and joel's flashbacks were the only parts that remotely captures the magic and beauty of tlou1. I got emotional watching them. The space shuttle sequence hits you with the feels. Joel slaying a bloater with a machete was cinematic art. (Hot too)

Abby... the forced deuteragonist, is an utter failure of character execution. Her character was forced onto us, felt hasty and lacked real build up. She starts off on the wrong foot by killing one of the most popular characters. If ND really wanted this character to work, the only possible way would have been to play her point of view and backstory prior to her mercilessly killing and torturing a guy who just saved her life. What was ND thinking? That a few hours of her pov,forced out of the blue background story, her getting to play with dogs while ellie has no option but to attack the dogs, the abby-lev bond which is pretty much discount or the walmart version ellie and joel would be enough to side with her over ellie and joel???? The part where they force you to play as abby against ellie? It made me sick. I felt cheated and disgusted.

The false advertising to make us believe joel is alive and good? That this is an ellie and joel centric game?To tug at your heartstrings like this. A complete mockery of the fans who waited 7 years to see their favorite characters get horribly treated,retconned, disrespected and thrown under the bus in favour of new unlikable characters. Butchering the heart and soul of the last of us - Joel and Ellie's bond. The fact that these two don't even get a heart to heart before his death, that Joel dies uncertain of ellie's future, maybe thought he could not save Ellie in those final painful moments, that she had never forgiven him, Ellie never getting her closure with Joel, or really getting to tell him how much he meant to her.... all these thoughts legit made me shed tears. Broke my heart. This is how much ND wanted to honour and respect ellie and joel.

The game's conclusion is hollow, futile, worthless and depressing. And in my opinion, this is non canon. This is the only way I can cope with this unsastifying conclusion. It is immaturity I guess... but I will feel better about it.

Though I utterly despise tlou2, tlou1 will continue to remain one of my favorite pieces of work in fiction. JOEL FUCKING MILLER WILL ALWAYS BE THE BADDEST BITCH AND NOTHING WILL CHANGE THE LOVE I HAVE FOR HIM.

If someone actually read it all the way, thank you for your time and effort. Really needed to rant and let these negative emotions out.

[applesdrowned-a]

CHAD  AND  PATRICKS  RELATIONSHIP  IN  DEATH.

HERE  IS  WHY   CHAD  WAS  SO  FUCKING  SHOOK  WHEN  HE  HEARD  PATRICK  DIDN’T  LOVE  HIM.  AND  WHY  IT  TOOK  SO  LONG  TO  FINALLY  SAY  NO  BYE  BITCH.  everything  in  here  is  canon to  chad  post  death   unless  discussed  otherwise.   or  i’m  writing  with  a  patrick,  very  unlikely   - > i  can't  stand  it   when  you  touch  me  like  that.  'cause  it  just  reminds  me  of  the  nights  that  i  spent  telling  myself  it  was  fine... strangers  again,  against  the  current  

to  preface  patrick  was  many  things,  he  cheated  &  lied,  was  emotionally  abusive  &  just  an  asshole.  but  one  thing  he  never  did  was  tell  chad  he  didn’t  love  him.  he  fucked  around,  &  hella  abused  chads  trust.  but  at  the  end  of  the  day  chad  with  all  his  insecurities  clung  to  the  fact  it  was  only  sex.    IT  WAS   JUST  SEX  !!  thats  what  he  thought. i  have  yet  to  make  the  hc  about  the  whole  ‘  kiss  &  don’t  tell  ‘  policy  but  i  did  reference  it  in  another  post.  to  explain,  it  was  a  policy  chad  in acted  shortly  after  the  rubber  suit  incident.  now  despite  what  he  says ,  or  acts  otherwise  chad  is  very  much  heart  eyes  for  patrick.  even  after  patrick  embarrasses  the  fuck  out  of  him.   hes  not  sticking  by  patrick  for  sex,  hes  after  intimacy  &  companionship.  its  evident  in  his  actions  in  the  flashbacks.   ----  the  policy  is  brought  forth  because  chad  knows  hes  loosing  him  which  is  fucking  tearing  him  apart  inside,  so  he  thinks  proposing  patrick  can  have  sex  with  others  &  not  tell  him  will  keep  him.  he  thinks  he  can  win  him   back  well others  are  servicing  him.

so  to  state  again,  chad  was  in  love  with  patrick. 

NOW  TO  GET  INTO  THE  TOPIC:

in  death  things  were  not  much  better.  they  were  forced  to  relive  the  same  problems  they  faced  when  they  were  alive  but  amplified  x 2.  chad  &  patrick  ended  up  bonding  over  their  mutual  distaste  for  their  murderer,  &  flocked  together  for  a bit.    but  of  course  things  heated  up  only  days  after  they  died. on  halloween  patrick  left  to  go  search  for  some  D  leaving  chad  alone  to  blame  himself  for  everything  as  he  always  does,  drink  to  his  hearts  content  but  not  be  able  to  get  wasted.   when  patrick  returned  there  was  a  fight,  chad  yelled  &  screamed.  but  of  course  since  they  had  no  one  else  but  each other  &  chad  was  still  heart  eyes  for  his  boyfriend  he  didn’t  really  do  anything  about  it.

it  is  a  big  mess  before  the  harmons  move  into  the  house.  chad  eventually  gets   more  moody  &  insecure.  he  starts  ghosting  patrick  by  walking  away  whenever  patrick  is  around.  chad  well  still  desperate  for  his  boyfriends  affections  isn’t  sure  he  can  actually  maintain  a  relationship,  if  patrick  is  only  interested  in  him  as  a  last  resort.  its  imo  patrick  who  convinces  chad  that  things  can  be  better  in  death. 

&  this  is  what  starts  the  next  phase. 

ON  AGAIN  OFF  AGAIN:

chad   &  patrick  are  in  an  on  again  off  again  relationship.  its  constantly  changing  day  to  day.    you  don’t  know  if  they  like  each  other  or  hate  each  other.  there  is  always  fighting  no  matter  which  side  of  the  fence  they  are  on.  they  are  either  at  each  others  throats  constantly  or  have  their  hands  down each  others  pants. 

(   to  clarify  they  do  not  have  sex, because  chad  puts  that  up  as  a  boundary.   they  did  it  once  not  long  after  dying   &  chad  felt  extremely  dirty  after.  so  patrick  is  not  lying  when  he  says  its  been  a  long  time  in  halloween  part  1   )

their  relationship  is  a  cycle  of  being  kissy  kissy  &  then  yelling  at  one  another  over  lord  knows  what.  chad  is  always  the  one  to  call  their  break  ups.  &  usually  he  goes  running  back.  but  sometimes  its  patrick  who  goes  to  seek  chad  out.  its  damn  toxic.  in  every  sense   of  the  word.  -----  they  basically  break  up  &   make  up  a  lot.  

BALL  AND  CHAIN:  in  halloween  part  1  we  see  chad  &  patrick  on  the  front  law  of  the  house.  this  scene  is  taking  place  shortly  after  one  of  their  make  ups.  chad  is  getting  a  bit  bitter  &  annoyed  with  the  constant  make  up  break  up  cycle.  why  he  calls  patrick  his  ‘  ball &  chain  ‘  its  not  just  said  randomly ,  its  a  literal  reference  to  what  hes  feeling  about  his  relationship  with  patrick.  his  boyfriend  is  weighing  him  down,  but  he  can’t  help  but  keep  going  back  cos  he  can’t  break  the  chain.  hes  tied  to  him  in  every  sense  of  the  word. despite  this  chad  is  quite  catty  in  his  behavior  making  references  to  his  boyfriends  behavior  last  halloween  as  a coded  ‘  do  that  again  and  i  am  fucking  gone ‘  ---  but  it  is  very  much  a  bluff.  he  isn’t  ready  nor  does he  have  the  actual  drive  inside  him  to  fully  leave  patrick. HALLOWEEN   PART  2 +  AFTERMATH: as  we  learn  when  chad  is  outside  breaking  the  decorations,  patrick  did  leave  to  go  have  some  flings.  &  as  chad  said  “  all  i  wanted  was  one  night  with  my  guy,  some  crafting,  in  a  house  that  i  love  and  have  bled  for  “   he  refers  to  patrick  as  his  guy,  his  boy.  once  again,  anger  aside  hes  heart  eyes  for  patrick  still. when  patrick  returns  the  morning,  apologizing  chad  shoves  him  off  because  hes  done  with  patricks  bullshit.  hes  disappointed  in  him,  &  disappointed  in  his  own  self  because  he  knows  the  cycle  is  going  to  keep  going.  be  breaks  up  with  him  for  the  umpteenth  time.  but  after  a  few  days  of  constant  apologies  chad  forgives  patrick  &  they  get  back  together.    from  how  things  are  going  in  birth  i  am  going  to  interrupt  the  next  events  as  follows: after  forgiving  his  ex,  patrick   promises  to  never  sleep  around  again.  this  is  the  only  way  i  can  see  chad  taking  him  back  again.   &  they  have  sex.  chad  doesn’t  feel  dirty  after,  he  feels  kind  of  like  a  new  man  &  faith  is  restored  in  what  could  be  a  much  better  eternity  then  what  started.   chad  &  patrick  don’t  break  up  again  &  its  permanent  until after  the  events  of  birth.   BIRTH: finally  feeling  happy  again,  chad   purposes  he  &  patrick  start  that  family  they  wanted  to  when  they  were   living.   its  his  idea  to  steal  viviens  babies,  something  he  will  regret  later  on.  his  boyfriend  readily  agrees.  they  begin  to  decorate  the  nursery  often  taking  breaks  cos  they  simply  can’t  keep  there  hands  off  each other.  chad  is  ridiculously  happy. his  down  fall  &  his  ultimate  wake  up  call  was  hearing  that  patrick  had  fallen  in  love  with  someone  else  before  they  died.  hes  heart  broken,  you  an  see  it  all  outlined  on  his  face.  he  takes  a  second  to  pause,  &  realizes  all  his  fears  were  confirmed.  but  hearing  patrick  didn’t  love  him  ?  oh  that  just  really  was  like  a  knife  to   the  heart.   patrick  calls  out  to  him  but  he  doesn’t  want  to  here  it.  he  just  runs.  it  ends  in  more  apologies  &  more  broken  unrealistic  promises  that  chad  just  cannot  except.  he  spent  years,  trying  to  please  patrick.  two  years  in  that  house  alive,  clinging  to  the  belief  they  had  a  future.  one  year  alive, trying  to  keep  patrick  from  leaving.  &  all  of  his  afterlife  until  now  clinging  to  a  man  who  abused  him  emotionally,  &  mentally.  who  no  longer  loved  him. hes  got  more  self  worth  then  that.  more  self  respect.  &  so  he  walks  away  from  patricks  final  attempt  at  intimacy, because  hes  done  disrespecting  himself.    THE  HARDEST  THING  I  EVER  HAD  TO  DO,  WAS  WALK  AWAY  STILL  MADLY  IN  LOVE  WITH  YOU.   

i’m  doomed  to  spend  an  eternity  with  a  man,  who  doesn’t  love  me 

[ohjaimelannister]

What are your predictions for 8x04 and the rest of the season? Plus all the major characters, like who do you think will live?

Oh god anon, Im sorry I didnt see this until now! 8x04 is kinda redundant now, and no one could have really predicted that storm of shite.

Okay so this is gonna be long I guess but here we go.

To be honest with you I only have a few prediction as to where the story’s gonna end up, I’m more concerned with the characters but :Kings Landing and the Iron Throne are destroyed by Cersei and/or Daenerys and Drogon. There is no more ‘King or Queen’ of the Seven Kingdoms, they have a council of a few (possibly elected? but probably not because this is Westeros) lords in a democracy or each kingdom goes back to being completely independent (which in the Norths case I wouldn’t actually mind) .

I’m not sure whether the White Walkers are truly gone or not? I’m not sure whether there’s gonna be something to do with them, but probably not. But basically there’s gonna be a lot of destruction and dismantling of the normal before this is all over.

I think this isn’t going to be type of “The End” situation, life will continue and maybe we’ll get some sort of epilogue about how one of the characters we’ve come to know is murdered under /mysterious/ circumstance (just like how the series began with Jon Arryns murder) or there’s another rebellion and the cycle begins all over again. There will be the inlaying message about how the wheel is never ‘broken’ because power will always be coveted and power will always be taken from those that have it. Basically they’re doomed to live this cycle over and over again. Hence the ‘bittersweet’ ending. All those that died along the way, died for nothing because the politics, backstabbing and wars will never be over.

Characters :

Lets start with The Starks, Sansa- I have nothing much for you except I just hope she lives at this point? Honestly, Id like her to rule and be Sansa of House Stark, First of her Name Wardeness of the North. She cares about her people and loves them endlessly so she’s perfect for ruling and protecting the North because of all she’s learned from figures like Tyrion, Cersei, Littlefinger etc.   I don’t really mind if she marries or not but I’d like her to at least experience a loving relationship at some point in her life after all the shit she’s suffered through, and she just deserves to be happy basically. Though saying all of this considering how they’re writing it at the moment I honestly and truly expect her to end up ruling the north completely alone without any of her family with her because that ‘subverts expectations’ and D&D are shits.

Jon - well I hope for the best again but let’s be honest we’re not going to get it. Therrs two ways this could go : 1.) He doesn’t want to rule and I honestly don’t think he will. I would like him too, he’s good in leadership positions and he’s got the ‘saving the masses’ temperament (re: Wildings and getting himself killed for it) but I’m getting real big “gonna kill my auntiegirlfriend” from him at the moment, and I think we all know by know its been implied that Dany is going to go ‘mad’ and hell do it it to stop her from continuing to destroy an already burning city and more people from dying later on when shes finished with Kings Landing. Itll sort of parallel with Jaimes story in the end, though instead of being protected by the new ruler and his family, Jon will confess to his ‘crime’ and be sent to the North to exile, and go off with Tormund via Castle Black. I don’t want to say he establishes a new Nights Watch because there’s really no need for them now? Unless the WW aren’t really gone, then hell feel like he has too and the cycle will start all over again. Either way, he’s going to end up alone pretty much. As Beric and Ser Alistair said his life will never be easy and hell end up fighting others wars forever.

2.) Basically the same thing as before ^ but instead of being exiled, Drogon will just burn him to death in the Throne Room for killing Dany.

Either way Jons not going to get a happy ending I don’t think.

Arya - Her whole arc on the show has been badly written, and in the end I just want her to be happy with her family and Gendry. BookArya just wants a ‘pack’, basically a family. She fought so long and hard to get back to where she was, and even announced it to one of the most dangerous men in the world that she was “Arya Stark of Winterfell” and that she was going home. Where has that been this season? I want her not to kill Cersei, I want her to see what impact Cersei and Dany tearing each other apart has on KL and decide that vengeance isnt the best route and go to Gendry, who she clearly loves and he clearly loves  her. The Hound might even try and convince her to seek out Gendry because there’s someone in the world that obviously loves her for who she is.  But in all honesty? I think theyll have her just leave without saying goodbye to any of her family and just disappear again to find out what’s “west of Westeros”.

Dany - Dead. I dont like saying it, because I think Emilia has done her very best with whats been given to her (and D&D have done her dirty) but Dany is going to end up being killed by Jon for going mad with power and bloodlust basically. All signs have been pointing to it for a while now and without her morale compass in Ser Jorah and experiencing the pain of the abduction and then murder of someone she loved as a sister is obviously going to send her over the edge. I dont think shes ‘evil’ as such but, shes always had a problem with her anger and temperament, which the others have been skillfully subduing for years, with them gone, watch out world. Of course I could be epically wrong and she could actually win, murder all the Lannisters and Jon in a shock twist and take the Throne for herself??

Cersei - Dead. I mean it would be the ultimate shock and plot twist if she somehow lived and killed all the others? And tbh with the writing at the moment I wouldn’t actually hate that. I think shell probably either get killed by Jaime or take the easy way out like she was going to try to do before Stannis got to her during the Battle of the Blackwater. Nothing too surprising on the horizon there I think (hope).

Jaime - I want him to live? I mean I’ve known for many years there’s a 99% chance the he will die but I still have the smallest hope.  If he has to die let it be heroic, let it be him killing Cersei to stop her from blowing up KL to get at Dany and co. Hed only die if he was wounded in the fight to get to Cersei (which is highly likely), or if he was caught by Dany and she has him executed because it looks like he betrayed them all, when in reality he was the only one who could get close to her. Im not gonna say anything about the leaks because I really hope that if he has to die its a GOOD death (and not falling from towers or jsut to be with cersei at the end or some shit) and that its his redemption arc completed and I really hope while hes killing Cersei he says “The things I do for love” and she KNOWS its not about her anymore. I will really be angry if this is a D&D screw up and they mess his entire character arc up because of this “addiction” nonsense. If he has to die let it be with Brienne by his side (because shes gone chasing after him) cradling him. “In the arms of the woman I love”

My dream for him would be that he lives, goes to Tarth, marries Brienne (after begging her forgiveness and shes punched him, ALOT) and they have warrior babies. The end.

Tyrion - I have two endings in mind for him, Dany finds out about someone is plotting behind her back and either Varys sells Tyrion out so he can keep playing his little games (or they both get found out) and he has a trial and is executed. Or if Dany dies he becomes part of this council thats going to lead Westeros.

Brienne - She lives? I cant see anything bad happening to her at this point unless she goes to KL to save Jaimes dumb ass. Either way I think shell live and end up bearing Jaimes child (whether he lives or not) because they were together for weeks and weeks, and it’ll be a plot device used to carry on the Lannister bloodline when the other three die, like Gendry was for the Baratheons. Which lets face it would cover the whole “bittersweet” ending really wouldnt it? She has to carry and bare the child of a man who loved and left her (with hopefully good reason) but shell never know that so she has to raise him/her alone on Tarth as a constant reminder.

Gendry - Well. Boys got two options (maybe three) But I dont think hell stay Lord of Storms End possibly? If its a choice between Storms End or Arya, I hope hell pick Arya. Shes never cared about him being a lord, she loved him for who he was way before he was made one. Or they just live in Storms End together and raise children. (They have to give us something right????) And the third option - Ive always had this really weird foreboding feeling he’d end up married to Sansa, Arya said no and made it clear she doesn’t want to marry, and if she leaves then…….the whole “i have a son, you have a daughter” thing still becomes a reality.

Pod - Well, I hope he lives, gets made a knight and helps Ser Brienne on Tarth basically. Hes too pure to be ruined (though D&D will probs give it a shot)

Davos - Might live? Im not so sure, if he does hell be helping out the new ruler/rulers in some way?? Or hell just be down in FleaBottom adopting random kids left and right.

The Hound - Will probably die in Cleganebowl and Arya will actually give the gift of Mercy this time, but not before he bestows his dad wisdom on her about Gendry/Life. And if he does by some miracle live hell probably go somewhere, build a house and live there in solitude for the rest of his days.

Bronn - Well I had a joke that this shit (i loved the character early on but this season has just been no) would avoid all the major battles somehow, live on over all our faves and get his damned castle……..Im probably not wrong about this one….

Sam and Gilly - Their goodbye already seemed pretty final? I hope we see more of them because just leaving them at Winterfell seems a bit open ended and weird considering Sam was like, part of the most MAJOR plot on the show? Maybe hell put on this council or be Lord of Horn Hill with Gilly as his wife, which would a great middle finger to his horrible father.

[archivingspn]

Entertainment Weekly Halloween Special Double Issue “Hollywood’s Greatest Untold Stories: Featuring Supernatural Issue Oct 20/27

(...) For a show that was born in simpler times—and features two brothers who still prefer cassette tapes—Supernatural seems tailormade for 2017. That's why it was no surprise when The CW gave the series an early renewal for its 13th season. But instead of playing it safe, the writers plan to kick things up a notch this year: Altogether, season 13 will test the waters for a potential spin-off, fulfill a long-held dream of an animated episode, and introduce a new central player when Lucifer's son, Jack (series regular Alexander Calvert), moves in with the Winchesters. “The big thing with us is: How do we keep it fresh?” Singer says. “We just felt there's so much opportunity with Jack. It's a big swing again, but somehow we always manage to keep the show grounded in its own reality.” They do that by never losing sight of the central story: Sam and Dean and their very human experiences dealing in a business of nonhumans. “At the end of the day, the show is really about these two guys and how great they are together,” Singer says. “They're the lifeblood of the show.”

That's why it might surprise some fans that this season will see Jack hitting the road with the boys, which begs the question: If driver picks the music and shotgun shuts his cakehole, what does the Nephilim in the back seat do? “Last season was about the guys being kids, and this season is about being parents, to a degree,” co-showrunner Andrew Dabb says. “To have [Sam and Dean] confronted by this kid who is at once scary and charming gives us a chance to show a different side of the guys, and that's always a great thing, especially 13 seasons in. If Dean had a kid, what would that look like? If Sam had a kid, what would that look like? The joke is that it's My Two Dads, Hell Edition.” But considering that Jack isn't your typical kid, getting him acclimated to the world is about more than just teaching him how to use Netflix (though Padalecki says that will happen). For starters, when Jack was born, he opened a rift to another universe, one in which Sam and Dean don't exist and heaven and hell are locked in an eternal war. “[The apocalypse world) gives us another canvas to play on,” Singer says. “It opens up a whole broad spectrum of stories we can tell.” (For what to expect from the apocalypse world, see sidebar.)

With Jack now in the real world, Padalecki says, "Sam sees a lot of himself in this kid,” recalling the days in season 4 when his character's beverage of choice was demon blood. “One of my favorite story arcs for Sam was that feeling of being different or doomed. I wrote the writers [this year] to say how excited I was that that undercurrent is back.” Another important thing that's back? Castiel! "[The loss is) just constant,” Ackles says of the multiple departures that ended last season and seem to haunt Sam and Dean at all times. “It's Dad and Bobby, and now it's Mom and it's Cas. It's this vicious cycle of loss and grief. Dean just needs to feel like there's hope.” By episode 6, they will get their wish when our favorite trenchcoat-wearing angel makes his return from...well...wherever he was. The secret of where Cas went is being kept under lock and key, but we do know that fans will first see him in episode 3 in a place that is not heaven, hell, purgatory, or earth but that has been spoken about on the show previously. “It's a place we'll be seeing for the first time through his eyes,” Dabb teases. Collins adds, “I really think that this is potentially the most boring place in the universe.” Needless to say, Cas is glad to be back, and for a season that starts with so much grief, his return will inject some light back into the show. “One of my favorite things about the series is that it can bring levity to situations,” Ackles says. “And I think that's one of the reasons why this season we're not going full-mope.” Padalecki chimes in, “Never go full-mope.” (...)

Meanwhile, back on the set of the shoot-out, the director prepares for the next take as Ackles and Padalecki resume their positions, guns drawn. They know the drill. This isn't Sam and Dean's first gunfight. And yet something is different. This time, they aren't just armed with guns. They've got a Nephilim and a recently-back-from-the-dead angel on their side. At least until gunfire erupts and Castiel focuses all of his attention on Jack, pulling him out of harm's way. “Cas does really see himself as guardian to this kid,” Collins says. It's a relationship Calvert is hoping will translate to real life as well.

After the shoot-out doesn't go as planned, all four return to the bunker, where the boys put down their guns for Supernatural's most potent weapon-emotion. Calvert, whose Jack is struggling with what happens when his attempts to do good backfire, is looking to Collins for some sort of sanctuary. “Please, Misha,” he pleads through laughter. He's hoping for any help he can get with the issue at hand: Padalecki, who's doing everything he can to make Calvert mess up a take. But in this situation, Collins is powerless, because if Supernatural has taught us anything, it's that an angel is no match for a Winchester.

Then again, you'd be hard-pressed to find a real match for a Winchester, whether we're talking about monsters or ratings. Twelve years in and the Supernatural fandom's only growing, the show's writers are still swinging for the fences, and, most important, everyone involved is having a damn good time. How could they not? It's Supernatural, baby.

[pg 17-21]

[velouriawrote]

( @finalgirltales )

there’s something unsettling about the ground beneath her feet being in constant motion–a ship torpedoing through a black sea of stars. it’s the mission she’s been preparing for and yet there is a knot beneath her navel that has torn and killed the butterflies that use to beat deep within her belly. space has lost its many comforts. there had been a healthy hum of bickering, jogging, forks clinging on each other’s plates signaling the theft of a friend’s food, and sleeping easy in the warm eternal darkness on the ship until the distress signal had broken through it. at first, cameron had regarded it as an adventure–a destination and rescue for a ship whose crew had met some easy travesty: they’d run out of gas, experienced unpredicted engine failure, been hit by debris … but there was always an unease in the sound of their voices. so strained. so frightened. the more she heard it the more clear it became and with an eerie untranslatable series of words in the background that made the fine dark hairs on the back of her neck raise with each familiar uttering. she could practically recite the transmission in her sleep.

at first it was the excitement that had kept her up at night–staring up and past the ceiling of her sleeping quarters and bouncing a crossed leg as she imagined a dauntless rescue scenario where they could return to earth as heroes. she’d never vocalize such a childish dream, but there was something magical about the hope of saving lives that bloomed within her chest–spreading its warmth around her until she eventually let sleep take her. maybe she’d return home as more than the angry, broken girl who’d left her family in search of the purifying light of stars as they burned until the folded in on themselves. how relevant their life cycle felt on lonely nights. now, the persistent echoes of the event horizon’s crew calling for aid had turned as they drew closer and closer–a primal dread keeping her from the quiet comfort of a good night’s rest. during the day, when everyone else was up and determined, she could write it off as jitters–like the fear of a short airplane ride shortly before boarding, but in the silence of everyone else’s slumber even the smallest fears become great.

cameron doesn’t speak as she identifies the tousled shock of ginger hair from the back, wondering if his palpable lack of enthusiasm was right on from the beginning. “can’t sleep either.” she echoes, approaching the table–unsure if she wants to sit down or if it would be an intrusion. her hand lingers delicately on the table as she tries to decide. “is that coffee?” she asks after a moment, a stubborn request for an invitation. cameron kruger-douglas is too proud to ask for company. as she awaits his response, her eyes trail toward the endless night sky before them and she sighs. “i can’t shake this awful feeling … the closer we get–” she lets the sentence hang in the air unfinished. no one among the crew yet knows about her precarious change of heart and she suddenly feels guilty for being so selfish. what is worse than a dissenter? cameron thinks it might be a hypocrite.

Space had seemed like the perfect place for Finnegan to outrun his problems. His family, his alcoholism, leaving the church. It was barely given a second thought, done completely on impulse in a way that Finn never acts, and now he’s on a hunk of metal soaring far beyond the skies, fast towards their certain doom. There’s a lot to say for hindsight. The hardest part is that before those words invaded his mind, Finnegan was happy to be aboard the ship. Perhaps it even felt like home. He was happy to run away from his problems, and now they were sailing towards one—a big one, a life ending one. Before those words, he felt comfortable, maybe even at peace. Like he finally found where he belonged. Now, among a crew of people that were excited over the notoriety of being the ones to find the Event Horizon, the curiosity of solving the mystery, Finnegan feels like a lone star. 

“Yeah.” He answers feebly, smile lines briefly indenting around his mouth but its a hollow smile, empty and weary. Setting his own mug down on the table, Finnegan crosses the small space to the counter and begins to pour out some coffee into a mug for Cameron—it’s only the polite thing to do. The pour stops short as Cameron utters her own thoughts, missing the mug and spilling onto the counter. Perhaps he’s not so lonely in his wariness. Where they differ, however, is that Finnegan has made his wariness obvious from the beginning. Comfortable in the crew before, his doubts (or rather his voice of reason) have made him quite unpopular lately. He knows how to keep his mouth shut, grew up in a household where deviating from the norm or speaking out of turn was the highest sin, but he can’t keep quiet when his life is on the line. When all of their lives are on the line.

Swiping at the mess he has made with a stray rag, Finn sets down the pot and then turns back around, bringing the cup to Cameron. “Not great, but it’ll do.” He says, holding it out to her, like they haven’t been surviving on subpar coffee for months now. He sits at the table, the invitation for her to join him conveyed in a quiet look towards the other chair. “Have you told anyone else about... this?” A selfish part of him hopes she has, so he’s not so alone in being the stick in the mud. Really, he doesn’t understand why he’s seen as ruining their fun instead of worrying for their lives. Had he been curious? Of course, the ghost stories of the Event Horizon were more known than contents of the employee manual among the corps, but not at the cost of death. Not at the cost of his life. Not at the cost of Cameron’s.

[thunderheadfred]

Red Streak [5.1]

Chapter 05: Surefire [Part 1 of 4. Revised August 2017]

Read the complete fic on AO3

Jane Kithoi Ward, Citadel Summer Shitstorm ’77

Less than a week had passed since that joke of an award ceremony at Alliance HQ, but according to Shepard's gut-tight internal clock, linear time was a bygone irrelevancy. Whenever the words Star of Terra entered her mind, several millennia would blur past all at once, reducing her memory to static. 

Five days previously at a hasty press conference on Arcturus Station, a visibly uncomfortable Amul Shastri had pinned the Alliance’s most prestigious military decoration onto a woman raised by an extraterrestrial war criminal. Just like that, at the pleasure of two-dozen swarming tabloid reporters, Second Lieutenant Jane Shepard's comfortable anonymity had been shot straight to hell.

After a funerary receiving line of stiff, bruising handshakes, Shepard had been evacuated to the relative neutrality of the Citadel by her oldest mentor and only remaining friend in the Alliance: Captain David Anderson. Hidden away in the Captain’s private apartment, she was to spend an entire month’s mandatory leave keeping her head down, goddammit. Anderson had immediately returned to Arcturus HQ, where he was currently going far beyond the call of duty on Shepard’s behalf, kissing enough asses and pulling enough strings to prove that the Lieutenant was not - and never had been - acting on behalf of alien interests.

Now at the bleeding end of her first night of compulsory leave, Shepard was already blind drunk. Hazy and lethargic amid the neon-painted shadows of Anderson’s glamorous abandoned apartment, she drifted with smoke-gray apathy, finally crashing knee first into a desk. With the yelp of a woman shot, she succumbed to her wounds and fell on the spot, taking the Captain’s personal console down with her. After it landed dangerously close to Shepard's head, the console flickered weakly and then went dark. Another man down. 

Best to stay right here, she thought. Best to die honorably beside a fallen comrade, a pitiful chance to absolve herself of Torfan.

Thus relieved, Shepard spent her first night on the Silversun Strip sleeping face down on a polished cement floor. It was the best night of sleep she'd had in months.

The next morning, after she’d vomited enough alcohol out of her blood to see straight, Shepard did what she could to straighten up the mess she'd made. Luckily, Anderson’s console had survived the fall unharmed. Less luckily, when she managed to boot the system again, it was only to receive a patronizing lecture.

Hey Kid,

Don’t slack off. I can squeak you into ICT, but after that, it's up to you. Do whatever you want at night, just don’t break my furniture. During the day, your ass already belongs to those instructors in Rio de Janeiro. Use this time to prepare. Proving your worth at Vila Militar is going to hurt like nothing else [...]

The message continued, in no uncertain terms, to spell out exactly how much pain she was promised. Doom and gloom included, it was still good news. If she spent a month quietly avoiding any further media spectacle and forcing herself into the best shape of her life, Shepard might be allowed to exchange the very last shreds of her military reputation for the opportunity to be eaten alive at Vila Militar. All she could do now was ready herself for digestion.

Every day cycle, she ground away dutifully, slowly but surely losing herself in a numbing cycle of PT. Hours spent running on Anderson's treadmill were matched by repetitive weight circuits in his cold, echoing living room. To keep herself sane in the middle of the third… fourth… fifth round of burning reps, she surfed through alien television and tried to avoid catching sight of her own face.

The turians obstinately refused to talk about it. Hierarchy-affiliated channels aired nothing more titillating than the occasional bottom-line crawl: human sources claim excommunicated traitor Albacus Regidonis lived among their own and attempted to raise a human child before dying in exile.

Occasionally a turian military analyst would drop Shepard's name along with a grudging acknowledgment of the Star of Terra, but for the most part, Shepard endured little more than endless, droning isolation. Watching TV and lifting weights, she gained five pounds of muscle and learned more than she ever cared to know about Palaven's water crisis.

She lasted half a month cooped up in solitary confinement before she cracked.

She started small, sneaking out to a declining aquatic recreation center a few blocks from Anderson's. The place was well-maintained but otherwise unfashionable, patronized by rheumy-eyed salarians and one or two ancient, wrinkled hanar. Given a wide berth in this mostly-empty pool, Shepard brought a pair of combat fins and swam daily, going as long as she could take it. Back and forth, back and forth, until her ankles threatened to crack.

Just as the retirement home was losing its appeal, the keepers went belly-up and all hell broke loose in Kithoi. Overnight, the ambient temperature rose by twenty degrees, and by the end of the next day cycle, every pool complex on the ward was packed to capacity, including the unfashionable ones.

To keep off the radar, Shepard drifted ten blocks further from Anderson's apartment. There she found a hole-in-the-wall volus arcade that offered zero-g free-fall and untethered target practice. Good exercise with no background checks and minimal safety restrictions. Fun, for a minute or two. But it wasn't long before the constant drug hand-offs in the lobby started to get on Shepard's nerves. Time to move on.

Her last week brought her as far afield as she dared. Armax Arena was thick with trigger-happy turians and not a few Alliance meatheads. All of them, including her, were looking for a fight. She kept her helmet on and spoke to no one, but the first time she got a funny look, her stomach lining curdled.

Fresh meat, that glance had said. Nothing more.

She chose Eska as her pseudonym on the public scoreboards, and remained undiscovered. Gradually, so as not to draw attention, she blasted through enough combat sims to earn two honorable mentions on the board - and brought home nearly five thousand credits.

Three days away from Vila Militar, Shepard won her first major score at the Arena. No use bragging about it. As usual, she collected her winnings in silence, then rushed into her favorite low-traffic alleyway, the only place she might remove her armor unobserved.

She had just finished clumsily shoving her practice armor into a duffle bag when she saw him.

Standing in the middle of her getaway route was one of the Arena’s regular spectators, a retired turian general named Oraka. Something of an eccentric local celebrity, he was in the habit of shaking hands with promising newbies and doling out bits of archaic battle strategy to anyone who would stand still long enough to listen. Always courteous, even to humans, but always a little bit drunk.

Today, he was sober.

“Excellent shooting,” he called, clear-eyed and deliberate. He stepped closer, keeping his empty hands raised, turning his neck just enough to show he was no threat. “Very sharp with a rifle, aren't you? But the pistol... that's where you truly shine.”

"What do you want?"

Slowly, his eyes drifted to her clenched fingers, to the red lacquer on her thumb, obvious as a bullseye. Staring at her, he adopted a look of baffled recognition and opened his mouth to speak. Several times he tried and failed, biting back every comment but the last.

"There are few things I love more than being right," he choked.

She stood her ground, but felt her hand trembling on strap of her duffle.

Using a thin, tremulous sub-vocal that held more meaning than she could parse, he softly added, “I always told Alba he would make a fine patrem.”

That night, on the arm of a general, Jane Shepard visited her first turian dive bar.

Considering her chaperone, the choice of ambience was pleasantly unpretentious. The general himself made for thrilling company for the first half hour, answering every question Shepard asked. But before long he grew maudlin and weepy - and very, very drunk.

The next night she returned to the bar, alone. Despite being the lone human in a heavily populated dextro dive, Shepard was permitted to sit at a small grungy table and drink herself numb, completely unmolested. The turian patrons were preoccupied with rubbing up on each other; they had little interest in a rubbernecking culture tourist. Aside from a few bored once-overs, she was invisible.

Finally, her last night arrived, sudden and rude. The slim, waning hours of precious anonymity before Camp Militar came for her blood. After tonight, it was perfection or death.

Knowing that, Shepard bought a short, cheap skirt and returned to the bar.

As before, nearly all of the locals ignored her. The only trouble came in the form of a persistent, flirtatious drug runner who kept insisting that a monkey in a skirt was adorable, and that everything would look a lot brighter if you took one of these and danced with me, mellia.

Three hours later, everything was tangled up in blue.

[dustedmagazine]

Dusted Mid-Year 2017, Part 1

Jaimie Branch is this year’s Heron Oblivion

It feels like it’s been 2017 for roughly a decade now, given the constant barrage of news and events, but actually we’re only about halfway though.  So again, for the fourth time in a row, we have created a mid-year feature in which Dusted writers review each other’s favorite records, specialized expertise be damned.  That’s right, veteran free-jazz expert Bill Meyer reviews Actress, outside-punk rock fan Ben Donnelly gets Tift Merritt, trad jazz authority Derek Taylor takes on Julie Byrne, etc.  We are drawing outside the lines.  We are making a mess.  We are discovering things to like about records that would probably never have hit our turntables otherwise.  We hope you will do likewise, reading about albums that you might not ordinarily consider, listening to the audio and maybe finding one or two things that make your own year-end list. We’ll run the first half of our picks today, covering Actress through Sarah Davachi.  The second will be posted tomorrow and a collection of this-year-so-far lists on the final day of our feature.   

Actress — AZD (Ninja Tune) 

Who recommended it? Joseph Burnett

Did we review it? Yes. Joseph said, “(H)is tracks trace the boundaries between the dancefloor and the art gallery in ways that have rarely been achieved so successfully.”  

Bill Meyer’s take:

In the video for “X22RME,” Darren Cunningham (aka Actress) conceals his face behind a welder’s mask and gesticulates in front of a crumbling concrete sound catcher that was built to amplify the sounds of advancing German bombers during WW II. The sight of these shielding devices resonates on the morning after a truck drove down the sidewalk of London Bridge, running over pedestrians, then disgorged its occupants into a restaurant district where they stabbed passersby with long knives. Cultural action vibrates within a milieu, and we live in a time where we are constantly reminded that the old fights come around again, new ones multiply, and our modes of protection will not keep us safe. Actress’s beats won’t solve that, but their adherence to dance floor functionality points to one option for working out the stress. Likewise the women’s voices that rise in multi-lingual layers above the electronic burble at the track’s end articulate connections and possibilities; people construct their lives in whatever circumstances they find themselves..

Blanck Mass — World Eater (Sacred Bones)

Who recommended it? Ian Mathers

Did we review it?  Yes, Ian’s review went up earlier today, saying it’s a record that “somehow [manages] to be both more relentlessly overwhelming and more immediately accessible” than his previous work.

Ben Donnelly’s take:

World Eater seizes the challenge of making everything loud at once, with rhythm sequences that fill up the 16th notes and every frequency. It's the same dare taken by black metal, and I daresay metal has something to do with the aesthetic, though the results of Benjamin John Power's production are brighter. When his synthetic valkyries are charging, it’s epic for sure. It's a victory gallop, not impending doom. And victorious he is. Looped waves of noise have the force of machines, and they all ring with the intent of a human somewhere behind the scenes, giddy with the godlike storm-bringing power he's discovered. So yes, "The Rat" has an industrial meat grinder beat, but it sounds like he's dropping pinball machines into the auger, not enemies. This is a dense record shot through the ribbons of darkness, but those bared fangs on the cover are smiling. 

Bottle Tree — Bottle Tree (International Anthem)

Bottle Tree by Bottle Tree

Who recommended it: Eric McDowell

Did we review it? Yes, Eric covered it in a mid-May Dust, saying, “Over the cassette’s 30 minutes, the trio gets significant mileage out of contrasted layers, deft structural pivots and sudden harmonic cadences.”  

Ian Mathers’ take:

Most records this year won’t pack quite as much into their running lengths as Chicago trio Bottle Tree does in a mere 32 minutes, and with fairly minimal means, too; just A.M. Frison’s smoked honey voice, Tommaso Moretti’s protean, quicksilver drum fills and the sometimes anchoring, sometimes intangible arrangements and guiding hand of Ben Lamar Gay. The trio can and does stop and go on a dime, takes switchbacks without pause, and somehow does all this in a form that’s never anything less than sublimely mellow. Whether it’s the gently clattering percussion and bass burbles behind Frison’s chanted and then crooned lyrics on “Open Secret” or the sunrise synths and steady, subway train drumming leading into the stirring chorus of “Permanent Change” (where, of course, the drumming changes up), Bottle Tree somehow twists classic song craft and the avant garde, pop and jazz, Motown and improv, into an effortless, instantly ingratiating Mobius strip. Whatever else that tree is growing, there’s lightning in some of those bottles.   

Nathaniel Braddock — Quadrille and Collapse (Invertabrata)

Quadrille & Collapse by Nathaniel Braddock

Who recommended it: Eric McDowell

Did we review it: Yes, Bill Meyer covered it in Dust, writing that, “’Doesn’t Remember,’ … interrupts Philip Glass-like repetition with intricate bridging phrases, while ‘Silvering Ghosts’ sounds like Steve Reich adapted to West African and Caribbean picking techniques.”  

Jennifer Kelly’s take:

Braddock is known for interspersing American Primitive-style picking with West African blues, but this pristine and radiant disc seems to lean more heavily on Fahey than Ali Farka Touré. You may intuit the dry heat of African trance blues in “The Desert Within” but elsewhere shimmering flurries of picking evoke the Appalachia-crossed-with-raga musings of Jack Rose. The title track, balancing 18th century square dancing with post-modern notions of entropy, is a glistening intricacy of notes, grounded by low plunks like a kick drum but spinning off from there in dizzying circles. Closer “Tiger Bucket” swaggers. Strong rhythm cuts through the light-and-shadow eddies of rapid notes; it’s a spring-swelled stream that looks placid on top, but spits off bubbles and froth from its tumultuous undercurrents. 

Jaimie Branch — Fly or Die (International Anthem) 

Fly or Die by jaimie branch

Who recommended it? Derek Taylor, but the Dusted hive was in firm agreement

Did we review it? Yes. Eric said, “The Chicagoan-turned-Brooklynite’s overdue debut is bursting with the pent-up energy of years spent cultivating an impishly bold voice and collaborating widely without the deserved reward of a reputation outside the local scene.” 

Patrick Masterson’s take: 

This time last year, I was giving a close listen to Babyfather in the wake of Brexit and wondering what we’d be listening to in the aftermath of a Trump election (not to say I told you so). For me, as it turns out, the answer was: Not much. I never got internet service for my new apartment and I’ve been reading a lot of books lately. I’ve enjoyed Migos, Pile, Colin Stetson, and Big Thief records, sure. I’ve indulged in long moments of peaceful repose to Young Thug’s “Safe.” The latest Overmono EP is solid. But that’s about it for 2017; my listening has been liberated from the ever-peaking insanity of the “news” cycle. It feels good, man.  

And that’s how liberation should feel, shouldn’t it? You should come away empowered, relieved, unburdened. I wonder if that’s how Jaimie Branch was feeling as she wrapped up post-production last July for Fly or Die, her full-length debut. At a lean 35 minutes and two fistfuls of tracks, this record packs it in and lets it out: The swell of white noise before the count-off into “Theme 001,” a power groove of a song, shows right away that this is no free-jazz genre purist’s haven. It shouldn’t be a surprise that the album flows so well between songs like the “Themes” or “Waltzer” and the interstices of the title-track or end note “…Back at the Ranch” given Branch’s familiarity with band mates Jason Ajemian, Tomeka Reid and Chad Taylor. But despite a handle on divergent mile markers that would have lesser composers looking foolish, the deft touch she’s provided frees it only as far her leash will allow; as Eric rightly points out in his review, the glue is her voice, and she’s got a taut one here.  

Nevertheless, calling Jaimie Branch a trumpeter or even bandleader feels preposterously limiting; this woman is living the art we need right now to survive. Does that seem over the top? Well, far be it for me to insist you listen. Or the overwhelming majority of us at Dusted. Or Branch’s bandmates. Or Rob Mazurek. Or Ryley Walker. Or Sarah Neufeld. Everyone hears the liberation at their own pace, after all.

The Bug vs. Earth — Concrete Desert (Ninja Tune) 

<a href="http://thebugmusic.bandcamp.com/album/concrete-desert">Concrete Desert by The Bug vs Earth</a>

Who recommended it? Mason Jones

Did we review it: Yes, Mason wrote, “As the guitars and piano are successively overwhelmed by sonic waves only to resurface with glints of beauty, it feels like an oddly peaceful, welcome drowning.” 

Jennifer Kelly’s take:

Two artists that seem, on the surface, to be radically different, find austere common ground in this disc. Dylan Carlson of Earth carves out epic meditative spaces with long, widely separated chimes of guitar, while Kevin Martin, The Bug, builds masses of shivering, shimmering hum. “Gasoline” and “Snakes vs. Rats” power forward on machine-drilled, industrial beats, the brooding heaviness set to foreboding motion. The long ones, “American Dream” and “Concrete Desert” wax elegiac, the ebb and tide of static eroding melody, like the crackle of clock radio cutting through the fading images of a dream. 

Julie Byrne — Not Even Happiness (BaDaBing/Grapefruit) 

<a href="http://juliembyrne.bandcamp.com/album/not-even-happiness">Not Even Happiness by Julie Byrne</a>

Who recommended it: Jennifer Kelly

Did we review it? Yes, Jennifer said, “Not Even Happiness is a work of intimate loveliness, surely one of the most flat-out beautiful songwriter albums of a year that is just getting going.”  

Derek Taylor’s take:

True to the unspoken, but venerable troubadour credo, particulars of Julie Byrne’s biography bubble up in the mutable, artifice-averse economies of her songs. A life lived with openness to extempore itinerancy and an abiding adoration for the natural world are points on the artistic compass, as are the bonds of family and interpersonal consanguinity even when at odds. Acoustic finger-style guitar lies at the core of Byrne’s performance tool box along with an ethereal voice that glides from a lilting, speakers-sating croon to candid spoken-sung salience. “Morning Dove” and “All the Land Glimmered” contain convincing evocations of the former, her starkly audible fretting on each folded directly into the gentle fractals of the tunes. Electronics and other instruments/effects enhance the equation on songs like “Natural Blue” and the interstitial “Interlude”, but Byrne’s fulcrum is usually the sturdy lattice work spun simply from words and strings. Lyrics and music coexist with equal and reciprocal weight and in their mingling revert to a pleasing and restorative weightlessness. Hers is not my usual wheelhouse, but one I will agreeably spend time in, soothing libation at the ready to augment those Byrne brings forth of an aural sort. 

Evan Caminiti — Toxic City Music (Dust Editions) 

<a href="http://dust-editions.bandcamp.com/album/toxic-city-music">Toxic City Music by Evan Caminiti</a>

Who recommended it? Bill Meyer

Did we review it? Yes, Brett Marion said, “Its slippery patterns [serve] as auditory snapshots of dank irradiated zones and heat realm communities quarantined in an airless isolation.”   

Jennifer Kelly’s take

Guitars have receded under an ominous fug since Caminiti’s days in Barn Owl. Where slow bright arcs of tone soared over cuts from Ancestral Star and melancholic picked figures reverberated through Lost in the Glare, here the six-string sounds — sometimes Caminiti himself, sometimes augmented by Jefre Cantu-Ledesma — are ghostly wrecks, barely glimpsed through the haze. Caminiti incorporated field recordings from New York City into this apocalyptic mix, so some of the roar and hiss and rumble is just the sounds of midtown. Yet in “Joaquin,” the disc’s best, music slips under a pall of poisonous smoke, submerges in waves of material-destroying acid, goes down amid the distant hiss and clangor of machinery. Toxic City Music sets up an uneasy conflict between sound and entropy, and it seems that unmaking, rather than making, is winning. 

Sarah Davachi — All My Circles Run (Students of Decay) 

<a href="http://sarahdavachi.bandcamp.com/album/all-my-circles-run">All My Circles Run by Sarah Davachi</a>

Who recommended it? Tobias Carroll

Did we review it?  Yes, Eric McDowell said: “Davachi remains a composer of gently immersive and just-stable ambient textures — the kind best enjoyed in total darkness, relieved of as much extraneous sensory input as possible.”  

Joseph Burnett’s take:

Even if I hadn't learned it beforehand, I would be certain that the influence of LaMonte Young hung heavy over All My Circles Run from the first note. Sarah Davachi's compositions share Young’s dutiful dedication to patience and stillness more than most, as the extended, shimmering and unwavering tones on "For Strings" make abundantly clear. But dwelling on the core tones of strings, piano, voice and organ so unflinchingly, she allows their strengths to be magnified even as her subtle sonic manipulations upset the listener's expectations. "For Voice" is the clear triumph on All My Circles Run: resisting the temptation to overplay the layers of wordless litanies, she allows each voice to glisten and shine even as it crosses paths with others. Combined, these haunting refrains form a mournful choir that hangs translucently in the air, so fragile one fears it could break apart at any second. So much "drone" music is sterile and intellectual, but Davachi's dedication to focusing solely on the essence of each sound source means All My Circles Run is as affecting an experience as it is interesting.

[shuuenka-writes]

Who would’ve thought? [1/2] [Ren Kouen x Reader]

Paring: Ren Kouen x Reader / slight!one-sided! Alibaba x Reader

Summary: Your wanted to build your life on your own. Who knew that your search would lead you to the First Prince of Kou Empire?

Wordcount: 1791

partr 2 | masterlist Your life has been constant cycle of fortune and misfortune. One day you woke up in the alley.  You had nothing with you but a torn dress and a silver headpiece. Pair of merchants found you straying on the streets. They raised you, and for five years they have been your only family. Unfortunately the thieves attacked their caravan and stole most of the goods. They settled on a farm and stayed there.

You were quite restless soul back then. You decided to start your own business. After lots of struggles, your company (consisting of you and… you) was selling bracelets and ornaments. But lady luck turned her back at you and you lost your fortune again because of the thieves. You’d became beggar if not for Alibaba.  He, even being younger by two years, was doing good job as a cart driver. (“Whoa! You did finalized this contract, _____! That guy was an ass.” “Fufu~. Of course, one  must know how to talk to different kinds of people.”)    It was a beginning of your friendship. And then… perhaps something more. You were quite conflicted between being big sister or lover. Well, age gap wasn’t too big anyway. But that love for former prince didn’t make you happy at all. In fact it was slowly destroying your sense of independence. You’ve only noticed this when Aladdin showed up. You were lost. Stay in Sindaria opened your eyes. You and Alibaba were different, too different in some matters. He didn’t agree with your  outlook. The  compromise was impossible.    For king Sinbad you were still a child, a little lost girl, useless girl. You weren’t strong Fanalis like Morgiana, or unexpected fourth magi like Aladdin, nor Dangeon Conqeror like  Alibaba. You iternally refused to sit and do nothing. Even when Sinbad found tutor for everyone except you, since your ‘only’ talent was to run a business, you found one of your own. The lancer prince became your teacher for a while (not exactly willingly, but what is blackmail for?) and taught you basics of wielding lance and staff.   Soon  you were sure that your feelings for Alibaba weren’t reporciated. He decided to go to Reim Empire and you stated that you won’t follow him. Your own journey began. You certainly didn’t expect a Dangeon on a way. You couldn’t complain, though. Gaining a djinn took you three months - to be precise only five days. Innana, had a great library and you couldn’t help but try to read as much as you could.  Besides Lady Djinn was warrior – you begged her for training. In the outside world only two days passed.   And then, you met him.   It wasn’t exactly the most impressive first meeting. You - laying on the muddy road, because Innana had that kind of sense of humor; and him - covered in blood from the battle, tired and sleepy. After years you laugh loudly at this memory. Your first meeting of Kou Empire first prince, Ren Kouen. Of course, he noticed lack of Dangeon, that roughly three days ago stood in all its glory. You’ve became his guest.  (“Where your loyalty lays?” . . . “To myself.”)     You learned this thanks to Alibaba. The boy for  years was a coward and constanlty run away from his troubles. It annoyed you to no end, and you realized that you wanted be yourself. To be a lady of her own fate, offering loyalty to those who offered it back. Suprisingly, that person became Kouen. He let you train on your own, even let you go on a training camp. You were sure he just wanted to have some kind of use of you in the future. You’d be an idiot if you believed that it was kindness of his heart. But you were content, since you could explore library in the palace. Moreover, you could strengthen yourself with help of the greatest tutors of Empire.   Coexistence perhaps?   You stayed at the palace. You became big sis for Kouha and friend of Kougyoku, whom you met back in Sindaria. You often scolded Koumei for staying up for too late. Of course after you were familiar with each other enough. In the end you cursed youself for falling for Kouen. You shared with late night talks on various topics. Now you knew that battles excited him or that he thought his goatee is fashionable. You didn’t dare to laugh openly, he was deadly serious. It didn’t take you long to realize your feelings. And right from the beginning you knew you were going to end up with broken heart. Your precious heart was still in pieces from Alibaba’s rejection. (“Hey, Alibaba, what do you think about me?” “Huh? What do you mean, ______? Your my best friend, my buddy! Or like sister!”  “Oh… I see. I… I’m happy to be your friend…too. I have to go. I must do some chores for Sinbad” “Hey. Hey! Where are you going? _____?”) There wasn’t anyone who could’ve put it together. It wasn’t fully healed, no - even three month stay in Innana’s Dangeon helped only a little. So why, why were you making the same mistake? Why did you fell in love with Ren Kouen? Why? Because he gave you freedom. You could be a lady in glamorous clothes and a warrior at the same time. Because he understood your willingness to learn new things.   Because he shared with you thirst for knowledge. Because he trusted you. You’ve proven that you can keep secrets and even assaulted you won’t spill. Because he started to treat you like an equal. Like a person who understands his ideas.   Because you two even while being so different could enjoy each other’s company and work together.   (“To be honest I hate Balbadd.”   “I thought you’d be first to stand in its defense, given acquaintance with its prince.” “Alibaba? Don’t make me laugh, Kouen. He’s most cowardly and indecisive person I know. Back on the topic, how can I defend it? This place reeks of injustice and lacks organization. Poor people always will be poor, since they can’t cross the line. Rich people always will be rich since there is no one who could oppose. I don’t believe in such governing.”    “You’re intelligent woman, but situation in Balbadd needs some time to work out.”   “Well, Rome was not built in a day.” ) And then came moments of bliss, where he wasn’t first prince and you merely his guest. It started with a simple kiss in the alcove. Then another in his study, and another one, and another one. Both of you knew that this relationship is doomed. Yet, those months were constant cycle of hurting and healing each other. All behind the closed doors. (“I won’t be your concubine!” “…I don’t want you to.“ "Huh?”)   You’ve became unofficial part of his household. You won’t ever forget those battles you took part in. And victorious shouts of Empire’s soldiers. And parties with merry band of Kouen household. (“Here, your drink.” “Hey, smiley woman, bring me more of this fish! Kin Gaku wants to eat!” “Bringing you ale was an act of my kindness. I’m not your servant girl.” “…Bwahaghaa! Good! I was only checkin’ ya of what kind of woman you are. Good!”) You were in awe seeing Kouen’s power shown in Magnostad. He fought with his whole power to defeat Black Djiin. It left you in astonishment. You stood beside Koumei, Aladdin and Alibaba. Kouen was pissed, you could tell. You’ve felt his rage when he shouted to Alibaba and called him ‘brat’. In the end you decided that you won’t stay behind and with the rest of Ren siblings attacked the doll. Though the battle tired you out, since you hardly ever used Extreme Magic you felt strangely good. Later Kouen almost kidnapped Aladdin, who promised him sharing knowledge. You were in the middle of internal laugh at his expression and being terrified by it. In the end you fainted when the battle this was over. (“Idiot woman. Constantly overworking herself to prove being strong.” “You said something?” “Nothing, Koumei.”) You and Kouen weren’t perfect match. No, sometimes you were like a fire and ice, sometimes like well-oiled machine. You being bundle of unused energy and him being stoic and reserved. You – smiley and optimistic, him – calm and realistic. You – childish from time to time, him – blunt in private. But despite all these differences  your relationship worked. You two were like a two pieces of puzzle, seemingly not matching. Yet , after  a little bit of crafting, time and patience somehow fitted.   (“What are you doing?” “Arranging your books, of course. Look at the mess in your study!” “I can find my way around it.” “But I can’t. See, now it’s in alphabetical order and divided by subject… Why are you smirking like this?” “It’s nothing, ______.”) What you enjoyed the most were palace gardens. With so many different kinds of flowers, beautifully arranged, you felt as if you were in paradise. Whether it was sunny or illuminated with moonbeams, it brought peace to your soul and calmed your thoughts. You came here as often as you could, to admire or help with flowers. This serene scenery brought midnight talks, reflections and musing. (“Hey, is it wrong? This, what we’re doing?” “Stop worrying about this now.”)   Perhaps it was your sweet voice and delightful laugh that made him look forward to the next meeting. Perhaps it was glint in your eyes when you were focused on something that made him wanting to look only at you. Perhaps it was your decisiveness and pursuit your goals that made him more than willing to assist you. Perhaps it was your delicate touch that made him wanting you more. Perhaps it was your intelligence that made him craving for intellectual discussions with you. Perhaps it was your witty comebacks in private and lady-like behavior in public that made him appreciate you more and more. He fell for you hard, even more that he was willing to admit. He always reminded himself that love was one the things he should not think about. He was a prince, most for what he could count for was that his wife would not be spoiled and bratty princess. Loving somebody else would only leave him hurt. And it did. With you beside warmth he felt unwelcomed pain. Pain, because he should not love you. He should stop, but he couldn’t, for it was an impossible love.

[swipestream]

We Call Him CAS – You Probably Never Read Him

We need to have a conversation about Lovecraft.

Specifically, we need to do away with the idea that talking about Lovecraft signals any sort of deeper understanding of the masters of pulp fiction. In the grand scheme of things, HP Lovecraft’s name serves as a talisman for basic-tier fans of the pulps. His writings are so influential, inspiring everyone from Stephen King to Gary Gygax, and so easily distilled into three or four basic bullet points* that mentioning his name makes for a fine and relatable way to signal that you are a real fan familiar with the depths of the pulps without all of that messing around with reading a wide and varied collection of pulp works. It’s no more a sign of knowledge of the roots of horror than talking about Star Wars is a sign of knowledge of the roots of sci-fi.

To be fair, there’s a reason everyone has heard of him. It’s the same reason that everyone has been influenced by him. He really was that good. He really was that creative. He really was that popular. His books linger in the individual consciousness long after they’ve been read, and the constant churn of capitalism has meant that his works linger in the collective market long after they have been released as well. It’s hard to find a used book store that doesn’t have a full shelf of Lovecraft titles tucked in the horror or fantasy shelves.

More power to Lovecraft, and more power to you if you appreciate the man’s long shadow, but let’s not kid ourselves here. Name dropping Lovecraft doesn’t signal anything but a basic understanding of the pulps. It’s an easy signal that requires little patience and little direct experience. His stories are so pervasive that they are a part of the sf/f canon, a foundational part of it that shows up so often as to have generated its own tropes.

My own hunt for deeper experiences with the masters of fiction has proven a humbling experience. The field runs both deeper and farther afield than I imagined prior to reading Jeffro’s seminal work, “Appendix N”. During my recent excursions into the pulp mines in search of the gems that litter the hallways, I recently fell headlong into the deep pool of works written by Clark Ashton Smith.

Clark Ashton Smith isn’t some lost author so obscure that I have to don my fedora and problem glasses before talking about him. While it’s true that the works of Clark Ashton Smith are not often found in remainder bins or on the used book store shelves, his name isn’t exactly obscure. He made Gygax’s list of influential works, after all. Widely understood to have been a contemporary and frequent correspondent of Lovecraft’s, he seems to have a reputation as a sort of Lovecraft Lite – a writer whose works are not quite as nihilistic, are not quite so unusually creative, and whose prose isn’t quite up to Lovecraft’s snuff. Mistaking the path of exposure for one of development, my own understanding of Smith’s place in the annals was of a sort of “little brother” to Lovecraft. A contemporary who shone bright at the time, but whose works are dimmed somewhat for having been produced in the shadow of the master.

The more I read of Smith, the more I think the conventional wisdom has it backwards.

Lovecraft conducted the sort of wild experimentation that was breathtaking, but he ultimately pushed the boundaries of fiction so far into the realms of the unknown that he left the common man behind. His prose is first rate, but his subject matter is so expansive that it lends itself all too easily parodied, pastiched, and regurgitated as simplistic formulae. (See my own bullet list below.)

Clark Ashton Smith, on the other hand, takes the massive, universe shattering ideas of Lovecraft – the theosophic concepts of past and future lives, cultures of the long dead past and far flung future, alien entities that operate by rules beyond the ken of we mere man things, and distills them down to a far more accessible and relatable experience.

To take one example, consider “The Charnel God”, a fairly straight ahead fantasy story in which a man must rescue his wife from the clutches of a strange cult of death eaters. The description of the cult itself walks a delicate line between evil and merely uncaring until the final reveal, with the real antagonist taking the form of a necromancer named Abnon-Tha. It includes a vaguely understandable elder God that would fit right into the Lovecraft cycle, and its not-quite-human servitors, but the action proceeds with a Howardian matter of factness that never leaves the reader out so far on a ledge that neither the action nor mystery, and hence the threat, ever becomes too academic and thus the final confrontation in the temple of the death eaters hits the reader with more emotional impact than it might in lesser hands.

Or consider the fate of the apprentice Pharpetron, his master Avycetes, and the undead wizard Oigos. Like Lovecraft’s doomed dabblers in things man was not meant to know, their experimentation in “The Double Shadow” unleash an alien entity that pursues them slowly and inexorably both through the halls of their gothic castle on the sea cliffs and the gentle rolling hills surrounding it. Unlike Lovecraft, the three victims of the shadow monster don’t encounter a monster they cannot explain or understand – they knew the risks of prying into lost knowledge and their minds do not warp at learning the world is not as they thought. These are wizards of a sort, they know such things exist, and rather than blank stark terror of facing an unspeakable nameless thing, they experience the grinding dread of a doom that they can see and sense, and one so real that they can recognize the hour and minute at which that doom will finally catch up to them. Their fate is no mystery, and the inescapable nature of that fate results in a tale of tangible suspense that mimics the experiences of so many of us.

“The Double Shadow” presents a story relatable for anyone. The approach of the shadow entity mimics that of a child, having broken a vase, waiting for the imminent approach of Mom or Dad and the swift punishment to follow. Or the long hours spent at the bedside of a parent or friend at the tail end of a fight against a wasting disease. It might be a story about shadow monsters, but it’s also an experience to which everyone can relate. It makes for a much more touching read than does following the experience of a man facing unspeakable horrors from beyond time or finally grasping the meaningless of mankind in the grand and infinite incomprehensibility of the universe.

Perhaps my own judgement has been clouded by thirty-plus years of exposure to the ideas of Lovecraft and his lesser imitators. Perhaps my tastes have mellowed in my middle age. Perhaps it’s an end to the youthful flirtations with grandiose ideas about the uncaring universe that comes to men facing the prospects of old age. Smith’s works might spring from a dark imagination, but they hook the reader with the talons of much more relatable characters, much more intimate suspense, and much more tangible threats than his better-known contemporary. For these reasons, CAS has moved ahead of Lovecraft in my own estimation.

If you think you’re ready to delve a little deeper into the relatively obscure lore, you can find a solid overview at the Swords and Stitchery (D&D) Blog.

*  For the record, these bullet points are: •   New England professors poking about in musty places they really shouldn’t •   Man is meaningless and when he finally realizes it, he like, can’t even •   Big, obscure words •   Tentacles, yo Analyzing his work often includes a requirement to throw a pinch of that old “Racist” Brand Incense on the coals to appease the god of the braying goodthink mob, but that’s not required. Just recommended if you want to appreciate Lovecraft’s work without actually appreciating the man’s talents.

We Call Him CAS – You Probably Never Read Him published first on https://medium.com/@ReloadedPCGames