#-I meant to say Im Not Autistic* because I might be. I genuinely might be and probably am. the point is you dont knowwww thattttttt

[jonahmagnus]

Why would say this to me

[yurious-george]

4'33'', by John Cage, is commonly remembered as 4 and a half minutes of silence. But contrary to popular belief, the song is not actually meant to be the sound of silence, but the sound of quiet. Ambient noises contribute to - and consist of - the performance. True silence does not exist. If one tilts their head right, the whole world sings. and, with that said, a playlist.

yeah, this one's a doozy. hi, cubewatermelon and co. miss me?

rhetorical question. don't answer that.

A few nitty-gritty things out of the way, first. this is specifically intended for the 2018 mod team for the sleepless domain fans discord server, primarily cubewatermelon/mary cagle. Folks who knew me are welcome to look on, but I'm not going to do much to catch people up to speed. hi, everyone! hope you're well!

I also might be a bit disjointed or biased in my recollection. For reasons that will be made clear extremely soon, I can't put my childhood on a linear timeline. I can only express myself, and hope I don't mess it up horribly this time.

Noooowww to the big stuff. re: stalking; i genuinely didn't mean to stalk anyone, and when they told me to back off, i backed off. I am not willing to discuss this further. not being able to conceptualize other people's emotions or the consequences of my actions has caused some problems for me

that's an autism thing btw. im autistic i dont think i told anyone that

And now, the special guest you've all been waiting for: a big round of applause for the elephant in the room! In accordance with the WMA Declaration of Tokyo, the deliberate overprescription of psychotropic medication is a form of pharmacological torture. Most victims of pharmacological torture and experimentation are children, because it is nigh-impossible to sue for brain damage when there is no fully-formed adult brain for comparison prior to the abuse.

Torture is a strong word, but I don't have another word to use. psychiatric abuse usually describes mistreatment in psychiatric wards; pharmacological abuse describes a patient who takes advantage of a prescription; medical abuse is when a doctor (usually physically) abuses their patient. Being able to understand what happened to you is a form of agency, and I don't even have the words. I identify as a torture victim; this may change.

This high dose was precedented and legal, but the vaginal stretching of intersex infants is also legal. much involuntary psychiatric & psychotropic treatment (such as restraints and solitary confinement) are legal, and child marriage is legal. abuse is not abnormal: it is profoundly normal. Because something is normal, legal, and precedented does not prevent it from being torture.

and when your mother hands you a poison apple and says "here, eat this; it will be good for you; i hope someday you'll forgive me" you have to eat it, because you are eight years old and you don't get to argue with your mother. despite all this, I don't blame my aunt for refilling the high dose. when I said the dose was hurting me, she listened. (thank you, auntie. i wouldn't have gotten out without you.)

And this brings us to you. oh, you four. (five? i forget myself!)

I'd like to establish some context. I was used to things getting taken from me. friend groups in particular: I didn't expect to keep any friends, because I constantly expected to have to pack up and move on. I moved a lot in my childhood, and in Africa, i was constantly told that at some undetermined point in the near future, i'd have to go back to the states. living with my aunt was a temporary thing, i was expected to eventually move back in with my parents at some undetermined point in the future. I relied heavily on online friends because they were people I could have anywhere, so online communities were my only lifeline - not to mention, i was basically in solitary confinement while in Kenya.

Most of all, I was terrified of my mental health/actions being exposed, examined, found lacking, and ultimately excluded. (this is why i was so afraid of psychiatric wards.) When you decided something had to be done about me - cutting me off from the server so i had to speak with you - It was either comply with your demands to communicate (which I could not, and did not understand why) or lose the community. I was so, so afraid of you i wanted to die when you all confronted me, and of course i couldn't say that, because only manipulative people would say "your attempt to solve this problem makes me want to seriously hurt myself."

But then I got called manipulative anyway <3 yay <3

Seriously: I wasn't trying to manipulate anyone, and i have no idea how you can manipulate someone without intention. (ah, that felt good to say!) Between medication spellbinding, alexithymia, and prior abuse, all my thoughts were so disordered i genuinely couldn't explain myself most of the time. Looking back, I have no childhood memory where I was fully lucid. I leaned into a manic persona because it was the only way I had any agency at all. I was something beyond both reason and self-recognition, and I willingly tried to brute-force my way through an extreme trauma response to please you. And you still hit me with my worst nightmare. that's why i was mad at you lol

I was so, so afraid, all the time, and I didn't even have the tools to understand I was afraid. How could someone as confident and impulsive as me be so fearful all the time? Was that manic persona freedom? Or was it a longer leash?

(Forgive my impulse toward rhetoric. I shouldn't ask questions you can't answer.)

I also couldn't say how badly i was hurting, because that would be venting, but you also accused me of venting when I was just talking about my day? or what was on my mind? I didn't understand that very well. autism moment, don't bother explaining it now. I also couldn't burden people with my actual mental health problems, because making strangers deal with that would be toxic! I resent you for setting up a system where it seemed safest not to speak and then punishing me for my inability to communicate. I resent every system that set me up for failure and punished me for failing, including yours.

And yet - I know that was not your intent! I can see in retrospect how hard you tried to be kind using the tools you had. The people with power over me, who genuinely did not want to do me harm and gave me multiple second chances, still upheld and facilitated the systems that tortured me; a miniature parody of the psychiatric system. (talk therapy and communication are useless if you struggle with self-awareness.) The same is true for the source: No person in my psychiatric treatment wanted me to suffer, and yet, here I am: a torture victim without a torturer. (except my parents, sort of.)

The logical conclusion, then: the system only intends to heal those who are already compliant, or prioritize compliance. The rest of us are treated to induce compliance, and if we still cannot, we are sequestered away. My medicine made me sick, and my prescribers made money off of keeping me sick - off of my torture. This is not a conspiracy: it is my lived experience.

However, even if i could communicate perfectly, we still would have had massive communication issues. Like - you know that one page where ben and steffi talk about dating, and ben says he thought steffi was gay? and steffi gets super defensive and it escalates into a screaming fight? I found that offensive, because a character getting that offput by the concept of not liking men (or a man) is kind of lesbophobic! But I understood that it would be a pain to redraw/write the page so they they fight about something else, don't fight, or some other solution, so i didn't need it to be fixed - just wanted to point out that was a reasonable interpretation, and one to be aware of in the future. but somehow my concerns got interpreted as a phrasing issue…? like, Ms. Cagle rewrote the page to say "weren't into guys" instead of "gay"..? You were very polite about it, Ms! But I found this interaction so baffling I didn't even try to correct it. that… wasn't what i said…

frankly we should bring back mildly homophobic steffi. twas narratively appropriate (<- different essay for a different time)

but yeah the whole communication operation was doomed from the start. rip!

The issue was always my inability to communicate, but my meds made it nigh-impossible to understand what I was feeling, and when I did, expressing myself could get me institutionalized. My suffering was inevitable but always, somehow, my fault. Awesome! *disintegrates into a pile of sand*

I cannot deny I was a girl like a box of matches waiting to be struck. You had no choice but to do as you did. But is it really what you ought to have done? (On this, I have no answer. I hope you have one that satisfies you.)

(that was genuine, by the by. i've spent a lot of time pondering this mess, and I still haven't found the "right" answer. I don't think there is one - though action or inaction, there is no version of this story where I don't suffer. I can only hope it was worth it. wait, hold on *adds the omelas child to my Kin List*)

Nor can I deny making my previous open letter in a small attempt to 'get back' at you - i'm not above that. lord knows i'm not innocent. but i really was trying to channel that rage into something productive. unfortunately i was doomed to fail because i didn't know what i meant. if you showed me that letter now, you'd hear a lot of "what? I don't know why I said that" "i have no idea why i would complain about something so minor" etc. You can disregard all that. This is what I was trying to say. the obsession, the trauma, the projection: all of it. So much of my obsession was talking around an issue i couldn't identify.

(meguka image) I know now

I knew I would be traumatized by this whole situation. I saw it coming and i could do nothing to stop it. But Gear was crucial to deciphering all this - in fact, suddenly thinking about her last year prompted me to really dissect my medical situation and realize i was tortured. I couldn't have done it without her. cassie & maggie, against the world.

Gear scans surprisingly well as a victim of long-term torture, actually. I don't think you meant to do that but good job!

speaking of her - i still don't think she's consistently suicidal. she's a real cockroach of a character, and I love her for it! But sometimes, i want to die and i want to live mean the same thing, because they both mean i need to get out of here. Imo, her thought processes and desires frequently contradict themselves, like mine did. and making your favs kill themselves in increasingly gruesome ways is really fun catharsis!

But please don't take this to mean I consider myself - or Gear - blameless. I love her because she's not blameless, because she's cruel for fun, because she'd rather be wicked than helpless. Like knows like. What I mean to say is, as of 2018, there is a black space between little Margret and Gear, and I saw all the signs of something very, very bad happening in that space. I know because I shared that space. what I mean to say is, teenage girls don't go out of their minds over nothing. Everything I made here is just an expression of what I heard in the narrative's silences.

and thus my biggest apprehension around revisiting the comic. knowing the author and I have such fundamentally different experiences with mental health - what if the signs of torture i picked up on weren't intended, or i completely made them up? what if, in the parts i haven't read yet, there's information that uproots my entire interpretation, or berates her for refusing mental health services that hurt me profoundly? how do you reconcile that a character so crucial to deciphering yourself may not be anything like you at all? I Don't Know. Shitpost, probably

You're welcome to share those shitposts and whatnot by the way. Creating this let me put down years of hurt, and i hope it relieves you, too. I don't need to go back on the server, or forgiveness, or anything besides understanding. consider this a peace offering. the terms are yours.

Despite writing nearly 10k words, I still probably missed something or was callous or whatever. Self-expression and self-understanding are… new to me. My apology may be understated, but please take it as I meant it, with utmost sincerity. My askbox is open, and I'm more than happy to discuss antipsych resources, KB, What The Hell Is Wrong With Gear, artistic choices made in this comic, etc. I'm even down to reconnect on discord! Maybe. Uh, I'm conflicted. I reserve my right to not want to talk, be slow in responding, and so on, as should you. we've no obligations and all the time in the world. Let neither of us hurt ourselves in meeting because it's the "right" thing to do. I'm not blaming anyone or trying to start drama. If it would give you the most peace of mind to completely ignore this, please do so.

or, translated: as of right now, I'm not ready for any information about KB after steffi reunites with her dad, or difficult emotional reunions. I would really like to hear from everyone, and I'd appreciate casual well-wishes. I don't want things to be the same, I want them to be peaceful. Baby steps, cassie, baby steps. (very large and fearful prey animal tries not to run into oncoming traffic)

mostly, making this was for me. Perhaps I've said too much, but after spending so long unable to express myself freely, my art was cathartic and necessary. I'm no one's martyr or innocent, I'm just a torture victim trying to make sense of it all. I want to articulate some thoughts I couldn't figure out how to say before and make some silly things that make people laugh. Most of all, I'm happy in ways I never thought I could be, and I would like to share that joy with old acquaintances and other fans of a story I adored.

What I mean to say is: The train's about to leave the station, and there's an empty seat beside me. The train will still leave whether or not you board; but I would be honored not to go it alone!

Thank you to everyone who stuck by me even after the drama. Ethel, Felipe, Chris - even though we've fallen out of contact, your kindness and patience meant more than i can say. special thank you to @stars-in-a-jam-jar, the first person i confessed everything to after the smoke cleared, and someone i consider myself close with no matter how long we fall out of contact. My close online friends, @shafpanda, @theoandmoon, @dvanaestmrva, my honorary cousin @my-name-is-jimmy, and everyone else I confided in about my torture. and, of course, my partners @transloo and @teenyjellyfishy, and my little sibling, @aroacenezhaanddainsleif, the three people I love most in the world. Thank you, all. it is an honor to love you, and be loved by you.

[autismvampyre]

ok so audhd rant/asking for advice

we had a psychologicist come to the class to explain autism and adhd today. the reason why is bc i have faced a lot of discrimination, ableism and bullying from my peers bc of my disorders. my teachers felt we should all learn what the words mean and why they should never be used as insults, and how that can affect someone, which is a nice sentiment.

the person they picked was recommended by my mother, which should've been my first warning sign, bc try as she might my mother does not understand the autistic community. she trusts the professionals which is good bc im not a doctor and they're qualified, i get it; but also i dont fucking trust professionals to understand me because not once did my doctors help me understand when i was diagnosed. i asked to meet her before she came to the school, but my mom insisted she was great so i held back and tried to be hopeful, because even if a lot of my experience with professionals has been negative doesn't mean they're all bad and ignorant

anyways, she was exactly like every other psychologist ever and explained everything in the most basic way ive even seen. she literally sounded like the people who explained my diagnoses to me when i got them at age 11 and those mf's were literally useless. it took me years to actually understand what my disorder meant and i only figured it out by talking to other people with autism and adhd instead of reading shit by professionals and autism moms. the way we are portrayed by psychiatrists is not my experience at all and they often use outdated language and speak in very broad terms and don't bring up any of the things that i find important. i know not everyone with adhd and autism is the same but i genuinely cannot relate to the way they talk about us at all. like, this psychiatrist didn't even mention executive dysfunction and kept talking about how it "isn't an excuse" and fucking everyone agreed.

i feel like almost an anti-vaxxer, claiming i know better than doctors, so i genuinely do try to understand and accept doctors but i just cant fucking stand it. am i wrong for thinking she's wrong? like she has a degree, but she also doesn't seem to understand me and idk if im just a weird outlier even in my neurodivergence or if im right and she doesn't truly understand. like im not a doctor, im just a person who has these disorders but i genuinely feel misrepresented and like all these explanations are for other people to understand that they have to put up with me. i feel infantilised and really fucking bummed. like, i knew she wasn't gonna be perfect bc she isn't actually in the community but the level of generalization and misinformation was so disappointing

i feel fucking crazy. cause who am i to disagree with her when she's the professional, yk?? im no one. they won't listen to me. my classmates can't empathize with me like they do each other, and so many of them think they get it bc they're white teenage boys with adhd that are low support(and im happy for them that they feel good about it!! genuinely! and not saying they aren't valid, but in my experience many of them tend to unknowingly invalidate other people with the disorder who are different than them/have higher support needs) and can't seem to understand that other people have different experiences and struggles with the same disorder. i also live in a very conservative city, and even if the school is more liberal, we are still very high in MUF(the moderate party's youth) and you can tell because everyone i know is either apolitical or conservative, except me and the three leftists. it's a hostile environment, and i feel like im rambling but whatever. i needed to get it off my chest

[cringelordofchaos]

TMF Stacy headcanons!! (More like what her personality is in my imaginary fanfic)

- she's not exactly forward, she likes surprises and surprising people. (This most definitely turns off drew at first, because trust issues)(platonic stew/dracy is canon in this fic)

- she has a close bond with her mom

- her mom had always encouraged her to go with her heart, and not let others let her down. To go forward

- was the biggest pokemon fan during elementary school

- horse girl

- she is into fashion and wants to be a fashion designer when she grows up!!

- she's relatively neutral in her class's hierarchy, most people get along with her

- her mom is relatively young and works in one of those stereotypical professional companies or something as an assistant??

- maybe asian? Or part asian

- she is genuinely clumsy but uses it to her advantage

- she seems like the type of person to go with the flow but she actually plans and organizes a lot of events in her life. Though like I said she likes surprises so don't expect her to be too predictable

- when Luke rejects her she's sort of disappointed

- she sometimes sketches out outfit concepts, she's pretty good at it but is not too interested in drawing as much as she would like to get it in action

- she reads fashion magazines

- she is godawful at jokes. Sometimes unintentionally funny doe

- high empath (If I ever make that aforementioned fanfic I'm gonna utilize this to make platonic stew/dracy canon)

- ambivert, introvert leaning

- she never got to know her grandparents too much since she and her mom live far from them, but she did get to see them a few times and she feels like there's tension between them and her mom

- her mom is pretty successful

- she has no idea who her dad is. She never met him. Fatherless jokes are ineffective because they're true

- Really likes various aesthetics, her phone background is the most aesthetically aesthetic thing you've ever seen, she also really likes purple for some reason, and she really likes how the sky looks like when the moon comes

- she also really likes sunsets and sunrises. Beautiful

- loves crystals and shiny things. Like glowing things y'know

- Into dancing too

- maybe not the best make-up artist in the school but she's definitely up there

- humble

- expressive, autistic I MEANT TO WRITE artistic but you know what? I ain't deleting a thing

- vegetarian

- wait I need to give her flaws she's too perfect uhmmmmmmmm

- she can be a bit too persistent, and is always looking for the answer to her questions

- sometimes a bit too curious, coming as a form of detriment in her social relationships

- stubborn

- her mom thinks she wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up, or literally anything professional, but Stacy is embarrassed to say she just wants to design cute clothes, her mom wouldn't care doe

- slight anxiety

- her mom was a teenager when she was born and so she was judged by her parents and her then-boyfriend sort of dumped her which is why Stacy's mom tells Stacy to not let others let her down because she learned self acceptance (don't ask me why I HC this but. Stacy's mom angst potential??? Im probably the only one who thinks this way uhhhh

Can't wait for that :D

(these aren't even headcanons bro I literally just made an oc and splashed it onto an already existing character)

I might add onto this in the future idk

[demonpaws]

Question.

You said propara dni but you’re into plushum?

Also isn’t somno a type of cnc?? You said ‘under the impression it was agreed upon’ which is what cnc is.

Just asking because i feel like you might be lumping people into ‘icky’ categories without realising that there’s a bit more nuance to it than that.

You can consider yourself para-critical if you want to avoid the actually more ‘icky’ paras still.

(This is not meant as hate btw i’m just genuinely confused because I like your plushum posts)

im gonna try to answer this as nicely as possible bc im trying to read you in good faith. also sorry that this is late, im dealing with a lot irl

i have a lot of nuance when it comes to people struggling with harmful paraphilias, i think that those who havent offended in any way should seek therapy and recovery, and those who have should rot in jail. the reason i dislike "pro para" is because it isnt about recovery, its a coverup for the normalization of abuse. you wont see a person struggling with an abusive paraphilia who is genuinely trying to get better posting pride online, because someone in recovery knows that they shouldnt be proud of their disorder, and they know its wrong. if you think there isnt something wrong with the abusive paraphilias, seek help and get off my page.

while i do use the "plushophilia" tag for visibility, i dont reallly... care about it as a "paraphilia" specifically. i dont consider myself a paraphile for being objectum or a furry, especially because theyre byproducts of me being autistic. i dont think people should consider themselves paraphiles for things like selfshipping and vore, its needlessly labelling something that groups you in with pedophiles, which then gives pedophiles/zoophiles a community - one with a lot of minors, considering there are minors who are furries, selfshippers, or objectum. even in a sexual context, i dont think paraphilia should be synonymous with kink. genuinely, the "pro para movement" is just a way for maps/zoos to come into contact with children, and the recent toonimal situation is excellent proof of that, if you can stomach reading the doc.

for clarification on somno - first of all, no, somno is not inherently cnc. there are many ways to engage in somno that dont involve nonconsent of any kind. when i say "with the impression its agreed upon beforehand", i mean that even in the fantasy it was agreed upon, either by conversation or by the bottom initiating with a signal of some kind (usually something left on the nightstand). the way that i personally engage in somno is not cnc, because there is no "non con" happening, even in the fantasy. for me somno is about the sensation, not the situation.

i dont like cnc because i dont want people around me who fetishize my trauma 👍 leave it at that. im allowed to have boundaries.

[ribbonpinky-art]

feeling melancholic and hopeless again. so im gonna just write out my emotions and none of it correlating. self pity post galore

im thinking about things. life is rough. so stressful. my mental illness is worsening by the day. lots of stuff happens behind the scenes that i choose to not talk about

and what im thinking about now, is that who was once one of my absolute comforts (junko).. im thinking abt that adorable little fumo plush of her i ordered several months ago is just sitting on top of my other plushies.. that i wasn't even excited to have her when she first arrived.

i didn't care.

and that hurt, knowing i didn’t, remembering how much she once meant to me.

same with my Chang’e. i want nothing to do with either of them now. they no longer bring me an ounce of comfort, only dread and remnants of a self indulgent story of kindness that once lifted me up. it all died. feels too idealistic. i feel like im too much of an outcast to let this story exist outside my private circles. i dont even want it anymore, or if i want to ever again

i think as of lately, focusing on oc’s (including ones i havent spoken of yet) has been better for my state of mind

doesnt help that im kiiinda only appreciated for my Junko works!!!! awesome!! i dont want to draw her anymore !!! fml!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! other people are better at drawing her than me anyway, ya wont miss me. lemme focus on my evil lady oc instead...

maybe im being melodramatic, and i do not care. perhaps in a few months i will be enamored with them again? idk. idc either

i feel more disconnected than ever to fandom, when i was seldom a part of any of it in the first place. im that person that exists on the outskirts, not really part of their community. im disconnected to people. i cant make connections with anyone, but i never could .. ok . i could, with a couple folks here and there. im grateful they want me around (not counting my partner of course, theyre the best thing thats ever happened to me. im not just lucky, im fortunate af we met at all)

im aware of my own issues- im autistic, im unmedicated when i probably need meds to regulate my emotions, i live in a toxic family. im triggered terribly easily, and when im hurt, it *hurts*.

 i fear that, because of my strange way of speaking and how a lot of my conversations are stilted, and what i perceive as unusual behavior-- i fear i make other people creeped out/uncomfortable. irl or otherwise. like, maybe ppl will be friendly to me at first, but after a year and i dont say much anything and im just this creepy, quiet weirdo to them now. and thats so silly. whats creepy about me?? im a pint size thing who cant even look anyone in the eye very well. is that creepy?? ok, i struggle to talk sometimes, i might be uninterested in conversation but i dont want to be disliked for it-- idk ((ok i have “Creep” by Radiohead set in my mind because of my mental state, and its kinda funny to me for some reason)

i genuinely feel like i lack intelligence. i suck at thinking. i suck at thinking of words, remembering things, and the tiny mistakes i do make are SO small that it should be impossible to make the mistake in the first place. was i always like this? i feel like i used to be smarter , lol

i am quite literally, a complete failure in my family. i cant stress the truth in that enough. even my grandmother is disappointed in me and only wants to see a text message from me saying i got a worthy job in my field. that only thing that matters to anyone, my one and only point of interest in everyone i speak to in my life even outside my family, is that i dont have a real job. thats it. everyone is waiting for me to be.. someone.

because im no one.

but none of them have been a particularly positive influence in my life, seeing as im stuck here.

i genuinely feel disgusting for existing. my body feels wrong to be in when i am visible to any human being. perhaps even to any animal and bug, too. i dont want to be looked at, to be remembered by anyone who wont understand me

nothing is changing!!!!! and when it is, its worse than before!! why cant i just be brave and GO

..

..

..

not all of this reflects reality. i beat myself up a lot. mirrin knows it. i know it.

it hurts

[1o1percentmilk]

hi! regarding your social queues post

i feel like i'm experiencing a thing that's a bit similar to what you are dealing with down to the "I'm not autistic but this shit isn't neurotypical" thoughts (and if not, I'm really sorry for an impromptu vent just ignore all of this please and have a kitty ฅ/⁠ᐠ•⁠ﻌ⁠•⁠ᐟ⁠\ฅ)

several of my prev psychologists link it to general anxiety and social awkwardness and yeah, that sounds reasonable, but what bothers me is that idk how to improve

i tend to overthink everything I say to the point where, even though I know what a normal response should look like I can't convince myself that what I said/wrote is articulated in a way that doesn't sound dumb/conveys literally the opposite of what I'm trying to deliver. answering a message after days of silence, which actively worsens my relationships, while I fear that answering with a 'stupid' message would be even worse or agonising over a comment I'm trying to leave on someone's work because, well, I think it's neat and cool and I want the artist/author to know it, but when I start typing my words look wrong and not genuine is a constant thing and I'm tired

and yeah, the worst is comforting people. my friend feels terrible, I can clearly see that and my heart is breaking for them, but I can never find a good thing th say. irl you at least can physically be there((maybe)) but online it's a nightmare

I was always told that words should come from the heart and I never got a feeling that was the case for me which just. i dunno what to do with this

hi hello! no, you're good, I have my ask box open for a reason and that includes venting n stuff like that, i don't mind at all!

yeah this is exactly what i'm talking about... like i have no problem picking up on things between the lines... but i always take too long to respond and by the time i think of something i am either too nervous or the window has passed. in my case, I know its because i have a "slower processing speed" than other people, which i've had since I was little, it's easier to think when i can type on a screen and be able to check if im making sense, but i don't do verbal stuff very well.

i've been in therapy as well, a long time ago, and i've been told i might be on the autism spectrum, and/or have add, but i'm pretty resistant to getting a formal diagnosis or even self diagnosing for some reason.

i think for me, and i don't know if this will help for you, i want to 1) get rid of the... mental block? filter? that my thoughts have to get through before I say something... because sometimes i come up with the thought, but don't say anything due to nerves. that'll help me get more thoughts out there and 2) get more practice with people... which is hard! i tried out both improv and drama club in high school because this is an issue i've been working on for a long time... it didn't really work, but i've learned that there are a lot of... scripts! that i can just use in a pinch. even if its just like, small talk and stuff, or if i don't have anything, i just turn the question on the other person and just listen!

i've been trying to make peace with the fact that i will probably never be as good of a talker as other people, but you and me brother we are probably just meant to be listeners... and nothing wrong with that... there IS stuff we can do to get better at talking, which i encourage. but don't get down out of reason for being quiet.

SORRY that got really long despite me not having alot of good advice but im struggling with it with you, good luck with finding something that works.. if u want to talk u are always welcome here, i enjoyed reading your ask!

[soudakuwunmoment]

ok so

about the autism yippee guy. thing.

look i dont want to tell you that you cant like it. whether or not you like it is none of my business. i am specifically asking if there are other people who dislike it.

personally, i find that thing to be infantilizing as fuck. it simplifies autism into "yippeee!!!!!" and. i dunno. a little pixel sprite thats supposed to be cute, though i personally find it not to be. it looks like it tried to turn the homestuck baby characters into an animal drawn by a child.

what is it supposed to represent even? that autistic people get excited/loud sometimes? yeah, thats true, but i dont yell "yippee!!!"

thats the opposite of what i do

because im fucking autistic

one of the primary struggles of having autism is that your genuine emotions dont come out the way people expect. ive never had genuine joy or excitement translate to a verbal "yippee". it translates to stimming or nothing, usually.

and the expression of the thing rubs me the wrong way. clearly, its meant to represent the problem i just went over. that expressing your emotions genuinely is difficult. but as an autistic person, im the most expressive person i know. why? because i had to learn to be. being animated and expressive is a result of having to force myself to blend in.

so here we are; half of the autism creature is an innacurate representation of what its like to be autistic, something that we cannot express genuinely (socially accepted verbal excitement) and half of it doesnt actually represent how an autistic person might act.

so heres what you might argue: "you have it backwards! the yippee represents the social masking while the expression represents our actual selves!"

if that were the case, then yes, id be wrong. but dont you think theres a reason it reads the opposite way? am i, as an autistic person, reading it wrong? after all, everyone else seems to like it just fine!

but its just. those people who are connecting with the yippee creature guy. i cant relate to them. anytime i meet someone who is obsessed with the thing, they always come across to me as someone whos trying to be autistic. and dont get me wrong, im the last person to have an issue with people exploring their identities and self diagnosing. i think it can be productive, and a great method of soul searching. what im trying to say is that these people seem to be uneducated in what it really means to live with autism. these people always seem to have the "im obsessed with anime so im autistic" kinda thing going on. yknow, people who think that liking something makes you autistic. and yet i talk to them and i cant see any of what actually makes a person autistic beyond just liking something a lot. and i think its these people who use and spread and hype up the autism creature guy, thus why it literally represents nothing about autism except for the stereotypical traits spread by 14 year olds. this isnt a criticism of people "pretending to have autism" its not my place to decide whether or not youve got autism. maybe the thing that tipped you off to knowing youre autistic is the very fact that you tend to obsess over things in an unusual way. instead, im criticizing the fact that the creature that is supposedly a symbol of autism is an absolute bastardization of what an autistic person actually is. just a cute little fandom guy who gets excited about special interests. maybe that represents your autism, but not mine. sure, i like fandom, im a fucking homestuck, pokemon and fnaf fan after all. but simplifying autism down to that trait is why people dont believe we're actually autistic. its stereotypical and harmful, it ignores the traits of autism that actually are hard to live with. how is this creature supposed to tell you that taking a shower hurts because of how sensitive i am to touch, sound and temperature. how is this creature supposed to tell you how i had become socially outcast as a kid because social lines are blurry at best. how is it supposed to tell you that i cant eat 90% of foods, that i cant drink water because the taste and texture will make me want to throw up. or is it saying these things after all, its just hidden and unspoken, and i was supposed to guess. too bad i fucking cant, because im autistic.

im not a cute little animal thing, thats not my autism, and thats not how autism feels. not even on my best day, do i relate with that creature. not even when my interest make me happy, can i look at that thing and go "yes, this is how i feel!" because its so obviously not me. it just feels like its trying to be me, and insulting me in the process.

i dont understand why people like it, and how im supposed to relate to it. i honestly just fucking hate the autism creature :/

[its-no-biggie]

okay like. you are right. but i disagree that its the great tragedy of saiki k. because the entire show is ABOUT how saikis friends a) love him even without knowing much about him, and b) very much would love and accept the real him

because like. saikis quiet and unassuming facade is meant to both go unnoticed AND to drive people away. he doesnt WANT friends. and in the beginning, people like kaidou and teruhashi are just looking for connection with ANYONE- and saiki is such a blank slate they can just project what theyre looking for onto him without saiki ever reciprocating. like when we first learn that kaidou pretends that saiki also has powers? saikis kinda just like [whatever, he can play his game of pretend, im not involved in it]. this is why saiki says so often in the early chapters that they arent even really friends- because they arent. kaidou and teruhashi and yumehara and hairo each have a made up image of saiki in their heads that they one-sidedly interact with (i believe nendou is an exception to this. but we never really get into his head to know for sure). and the only part of that that saiki has a problem with is that he keeps getting dragged into things. he would rather they not interact with him at all.

but by the end of the show its clear that saikis friends DO know him. they at least know the version of him that he shows them. they know hes unfriendly and doesnt talk much and doesnt show much emotion. but they still like being around him and wanna hang out together, and it BAFFLES him! saiki is trying his hardest to be completely uninteresting and unlikeable and unbefriendable. hes perfectly happy to just continue the dynamic of one-sided delusion, where they dont really know him and are only attached to the idealized version of him in their heads. but they were concerned by his out of character behaviour at the wrong-birthday and when toritsuka was disguised as him. teruhashi wished he was there at the mixer. they know that hes closed off and reserved and theyre FINE with it.

and it all comes to a head during the finale, when saiki gets caught using his powers and tells his friends that he cant explain. and nendou says it doesnt matter, because theyre still friends no matter how much saiki is hiding from them. and even though saiki has seen over and over again that his friends wont be driven away by his antisocial tendencies, that they genuinely like spending time with him even if he doesnt participate, and even that they wont turn him away when they learn about his powers, it STILL doesnt really sink in. because saiki has spent his whole life resenting his own powers and thinking no one will ever accept him for who he is! that hes too different from normal people and only people who are Like Him could possibly understand. unlearning that doesnt happen overnight.

and yeah, by the end of the show, saiki still hasnt had the chance to properly confess to his friends. but it ends with him fully embracing his own powers BECAUSE of his friends! they are very explicitly the catalyst to him deciding to take care of the meteor in the final scene. saikis powers are no longer a burden to him because he knows his friends will accept him. thats the emotional arc of the show!! yeah, we dont get to see the scene where he finally opens up to them, but personally i dont think we need to see it for it to be a satisying conclusion to his arc

so i can definitely see why you might find it sad- i mean, it takes him the WHOLE SHOW to work up the courage to open up, and we dont even get to see it! so its totally understandable. but personally i dont really find it tragic? and its probably because growing up undiagnosed autistic is just kinda Like That- thinking that normal people will never accept you just kinda becomes the background noise of your life, and you learn not to open up to people. and yeah, objectively its pretty sad, i wont argue that, but i think the fact that saiki grows past that mindset and finds people who do authentically love him, even if they will never truly understand him, is distinctly Not Tragic. he learns how to accept himself through his friends!! he gets a happy ending!! and i just really love that. have i mentioned that this is like my favourite show ever

[its definitely also a shame that we dont get to see saiki interact with, say, teruhashi the same way he interacts with the psychickers. but thats what fanfic is for!]

anyway! obviously not invalidating anything you said, because you are very much correct. i just kinda see it through a different lense and thought i would share :)

How Saiki wants to be perceived:

Not at all. He's just generic mob character #7536, thanks.

How Saiki's friends perceive him at first:

Projection Central... Depending on the person, he's a scaredy-cat, romance novel protagonist, former punk, flustered fanboy, a slacker who just needs some inspiration to become a sports star, etc...

How Saiki's friends perceive him at the end of the series:

Quiet, a little glum, kinda boring, but a good guy. Says "good grief" a lot.

How the Psychickers perceive him:

Sarcastic, stubborn, tsundere, a little childish, back-talker supreme, confident, a bit arrogant even, incredibly intelligent, lonely, silly, uptight, a soft touch, kind.

How Saiki ACTUALLY IS:

Sarcastic, stubborn, tsundere, a little childish, back-talker supreme, confident, a bit arrogant even, incredibly intelligent, lonely, silly, uptight, a soft touch, kind.

-> Only the Psychickers (and to some extent, his family) know and appreciate Saiki for who he actually is by the end of the series.

That's because Saiki is only ever comfortable revealing his true personality once the other person knows about his powers.

Until then, he will always try pretending to be a passive nobody, unless he thinks it can get a girl off his back (ex. against Teruhashi at the arcade, against Imu in the locker room).

Saiki remains nervous about telling his friends about his powers despite seeing it go off without a hitch in the alternate universe, and despite losing his powers first, because his friends might not like his "new"/actual personality.

We see early on in Kuboyasu's introduction that Saiki fears his relationships with his friends are fake because they're based on a huge lie and an even bigger pretense. We see that anxiety about his personality/persona not being palatable enough at the wrong-day birthday party. We see him mourn the fact that he can't be his real self at the mixer.

THAT is the great tragedy of Saiki K, that almost none of the people he loves actually know him in any meaningful way, not even by the end of the series!

[ukulelewrap]

I’d like to hear you talk about Suitcase! Suitcase and Soap. Suitcase and Fan. Suitcase and Balloon and how season three may affect their friendship. Aromantic Suitcase. Nonbinary Suitcase. Just any random Suitcase headcanons… really, just anything! :)

oh my god suitcase!!! MY BELOVED my everything gosh I love everything about HERRRR <333 ahhh suitcase I personally hc suitcase as a transfem demi girl aroace lesbian!!! gosh she is so <33

RAMBLE UTC

ive always loved her like, she went from being this kind person who was a pushover and honestly not really knowing what to do or say mostly just a background character to being one of those most intelligent people on the show and being able to stand her ground, and by intelligent I mean as in emotionally mostly, she was able to comfort baseball on the docks in episode 14, and was able to point out what the hell was wrong with test tube's handling of the situation with fan before anybody else could, she can read people a lot easier than others can and I love that

I love her soft demeanor so fucking much, with her development in more recent episodes it blends so DAMN PERFECTLY, having a soft nice character that is not ALL nice and is able to stand up for themselves is such a nice fresh breath of air, as most object show characters either have the stereotypical nice character or make the stereotypical nice character a shitty person, which is tiring because "nice character" does not mean "ignorant", it does not mean "Mary sue", it does not mean "blissful", ot never did, a nice character is someone who is genuinely good at heart, has flaws, has made mistakes, but is still able to be a kind person and help others, suitcase has made mistakes like trying to impress the ones who've hurt her in the past, and being a bit too, blunt at times (like with the test tube situation and how she explained to her how she was hurting fan, lightbulb was able to explain in a lot kinder and more understandable way to her), but she's still a good person in general

I've always been one for headcannons and I absolutely adore autistic suitcase so fucking much, as she doesn't comprehend things the way others might (like how she sometimes comprehends nickels sarcasm as genuine, for example episode 10 where she mistook nickels sarcastic comment about making balloons team captain), I feel like a lot of her stims come through her feet abd especially her EYES, A lot of language in the series involving suitcase involves her eyes, rapidly looking away and looking backvwhen she's nervous, stomping her feet when she's happy, examining things a lot closer than some might, JUST AAAAAA, she comprehends the world a lot differently and I think that's why she was so surprised and upset when test tube didn't understand what she meant when talking about the egg and how it hurt fan, she thought test tube would get it that way because SHE got it that way, and textures oh my god I think suitcase would HATE brick texture fsr like shes the number 1 brick hater!!! food textures she doesn't like?? slushy stuff she cannot go out during slushy snow days because it's so eghhuj to her, I would talk about her visions too but honestly idk if I have right to speak on that but GOSHH, autistic suitcase

SUITCASE HAS SO MUCH POTENTIONAL FOR CHARACTER INTERACTIONS, I imagine her and Fan would be like bffs, suitcase would help out on fff bring supplies fan needs (FFF COME HOME), fanbrambling about his special interest on inanimate insanity, another character I would LOVE to see suitcase interact with? Soap oh my gosh these girls are SO UNDERRATED LET THEM SPEAK TOGETGER, let suitcase vent to soap, soap and suitcase are both very blunt people however soap is more openly blunt I feel like soap, would really try and help suitcase with her anxieties, another one is CABBY BC THEY CAN BOTH CARRY STUFF INSIDE them and oh my gosh ,,, suitcase helping cabby with her problems (suitcase; dw cabby it's okay to be gay I'm gay too,, HEYEHEGSGSF HELP IM ), cabby telling suitcase the CORNIEST JOKES!!!!!!! let them be like bffs pleasd....please.....last one would be lightbulb bc like they're both season finalists struggling with mental illness, be mental ill together!! yippie :]]]

OVERALL I love suitcase.........she is so girl shaped I love.......AAA SORRY FOR RAMbling

[imaginariumrpc]

okay so the lovely @imbicilite​ / @whitrph​ and i were talking and it gave me the idea and we thought it was a great idea to spread it around so here’s how it goes: when talking with someone about pretty much anything tbh, but especially for something that could potentially be triggering, communicate with color codes based on city traffic lights ! GREEN means it’s good to talk about these things and you’re not feeling triggered by the topic, YELLOW means to slow down or stop talking about the topic at for now while RED means to stop the conversation about the topic immediately until green again where the conversation can divert into another topic or they feel safe to talk about it again !! this is EXTREMELY important, because it’s a way to alert others that you’re going to be talking about something that could possibly upset someone because of the subject matter, especially for those who may get triggered by a certain topic - even without you realizing it because squicks and triggers can honestly be anything, it could be different words or phrases or certain topics - and can cause severe anxiety in those affected, even panic attacks or flashbacks, and because we want to be considerate and respectful towards one another, it’s important that we use these to help our friends and fellow rpers know that we’re going to be posting or talking about something they might not want to see or talk about, and it’s of utmost importance to make them feel safe, it’s best to use this to be a more supportive friend and a member of the rpc!!

on a sidenote, i’m also here to tell you about tone indicators !! keep in mind that i didn’t come up with nor invent the concept of tone tags itself, but it was being spread around for a while now and i’d figured i’d talk about it !! essentially, tone indicators are used to indicate if the person is joking, being serious, etc., neurodivergent people often have trouble conveying and understanding emotion and tone through written text, using tone indicators is really helpful for neurodivergent people to make it easier for them to read/convey, it is also very helpful for people with anxiety. i encourage anyone who reads this to also type the meaning of the tone tag ( i.e: i love you !! /p for platonic ), so it is more accessible for neurodivergent and disabled people, like those who use screen readers.

“why should we use tone tags?” one might ask, but as an autistic, disabled and otherwise neurodivergent person myself, sometimes i don’t always get my friends and fellow mutual’s tones by their message but when they use tone indicators, it helps me understand and, not to mention that it can be really helpful and avoid misunderstandings. i would also like to note that NOT ALL neurodivergent people want you to use tone indicators on them, so if they don’t want you to use tone tags on them, please respect their wishes.

“i don’t like tone tags!” one might add, well, okay... but don’t make fun of the people that use them, it’s not a big deal, and if you’re a neurotypical who insists on not using tone tags when a neurodivergent person clearly asked you to, get your head out of your ass.

“using /j at the end of a joke ruins it!!” one might bitch, and okay but... it might be ruined for you, but it still makes me laugh, personally, so please try and get used to it, and not to mention, what’s more important: making sure you’re clear with your tone so that there’s no misunderstandings or throwing a fit just because the joke’s ruined for you?

additionally, some other things to keep in mind !! please do not mock the use of tone tags, you may not need them but some people do, not everyone can tell when something is a joke, when someone’s either being platonic, romantic or sexual in intentions, etc.,, especially when there’s no visual cues or tones of voice to help us, just be nice about it, it’s... really not hard, man. if you don’t use a tone tag and someone reads the tone of your statement incorrectly, do not get upset with them or laugh at them for not getting it - that is perpetuating ableism and/or sanism, whether you intentionally intend it or not. just kindly clarify and next time, keep in mind that tone tags are very helpful for neurodivergent, disabled and people with anxiety disorders. using a tone tag isn’t an excuse to be mean either, you can’t just say something mean or not cool and then put /j ( “joking” ) after it to get away with it, don’t be an ass. if you’re saying something that could be anxiety inducing for others, i would highly recommend putting the tone tags at not only the end but also the beginning of that post. do not intentionally use tone tags incorrectly “as a joke”, to confuse people, etc., the entire point of tone tags is to clarify, not confuse people, if you intentionally use them incorrectly, you’re an ass. keep in mind that no one has to use all the tone tags, use what you’d like, respect others who use what they would like, use them however feels rights to you. for me personally, sometimes i use multiple, sometimes only one, or sometimes none at all, just do what feels right, depending on who i’m talking to and how long i’ve known this person or group of people i’m speaking to, it’ll be fine, and if someone asks for clarification on what you mean, that’s okay, kindly clarify for them. additionally, please be patient if people don’t know what tone tags are, someone might not even be aware of what they are and that’s not their fault, just patiently explain it to them or link them to a source !! education always helps !! please don’t use “/srs or serious” as a joke, some neurodivergent and/or disabled people don’t need you to use three tone tags, and in my case, i’m presuming you’re neurotypical if you’re doing that when conversing with me, but what i’m trying to say is it looks like you’re babying us neurodivergents / disabled folx, so try to use only two tags ( that is, if that person is okay with it !! ), because some people don’t need you to use three tags.

please note that the following aren’t every single example out there and there are different terminologies in different languages, but they are important, a few examples of these are: 

“/j = joking / used when saying something in a joking manner, “so im pretty much the president of oreos /j”, 

“/hj = half joking / used when saying something that’s kind of a joke but kind of serious / “well,,,,, im usually right /hj” / 

“/s or /sarc / refers to the opposite of what you really want to say / “i just [clenches fists] love...... being sad..... /s”, 

“/srs / used when saying something you really mean / “i really appreciate you /srs””, 

“/nsrs = not serious / used when saying something not too seriously / “you’re the worst /nsrs”, 

“/lh = lighthearted = used when something’s said lightheartedly / “hEY LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS /lh” / i’d say something like this when me and my friends would get into a silly argument and they’re trying to ask my opinion on a topic”, 

“/ij = referring to something that’s only understood by people with special knowledge about something, typically only a small group of friends or a group of people would be aware of, those outside of the group would most likely be confused by it or not find it funny in the same way people within in the group would / “aAAAAAAAAA MY NUGGIES!!!!! /ij””, 

“/ref = a reference to media, usually movies, tv, music, etc., “yOU SHALL NOT PAAAAAAAASSSSSSS /ref”, 

“/t = teasing, use when teasing someone or provoking someone, often playfully, “aiight sure mx idk wtf im doin /t”, 

“nm = not mad, to indicate you’re not actually mad or upset about something / “ow... i felt that /nm”, 

“lu = a little upset / used when about about something or someone, but not too upset / “oh... that sucks /lu”, 

“/nbh = “nobody here” = often used when talking about something vague to ensure your friends it’s not indirectly to or about them / “sometimes i just wanna..... tell someone to shut the fuck up /nbh”, 

“/nay = not at you / used when saying something but not meaning it at the person you’re responding to / “god i can’t stand lame people /nay”, 

“/ay = “at you”, make the person aware you’re addressing them”, 

“/g or /gen = used when saying or asking something for real / “i’m proud of you /g” or “have you watched the news?? /gen”, 

“/th = threat, used when giving a genuine threat / “if you don’t stop, i’ll block you /th”, 

“/p = platonic, a friendship type of love, used when saying something with platonic intentions / “i love you /p”, 

“/r = romantic intentions, typically of partners when saying something with romantic intentions / “i love you /r””, 

“/a = alterous, an attraction best described as wanting emotional closeness without necessarily being at all or entirely platonic and/or romantic, used when saying with alterous intentions / “i love you /a””

“/m = metaphor / used when saying something metaphorically / “god you’re a shining star /m””

“/li = literal / used when saying something literally / “i hate pears /li””

“/rh = rhetorical / a question asked in order to create a dramatic effect or to make a point rather than to get an answer / used when saying or asking something rhetorically / “who cares? /rh””

“/hyp = hyperbole, exaggerated statements or claims not meant to be taken literally ; “i have a million things to do today”

“/sx = sexual intent, used when meaning something in a sexual way”, 

“/nsx = nonsexual intent, used when meaning something in a not sexual way”, 

“/pos = positive / used when saying something and meaning it in a positive way / “omg im gonna cry /pos”, implied they’re crying for a happy reason”, 

“/neg = negative / used when saying something and meaning it in a negative way / “omg im gonna cry /neg”, implied they’re crying for an upsetting reason”, and 

“/neu = neutral / used to show that what you’re saying is neutral or that you feel indifferent about it / “yeah i don’t care man do what you want /neu”, you don’t care about something but not in a mean or a negative way, you’re just indifferent”.

on a final note, HERE is a list of tone tags both in english and in other languages ( namely italian, spanish, portuguese, french, polish, german, lithuanian, serbian, dutch, indonesian, romanian, bulgarian, russian, hebrew, japanese, mandarin and korean !! ) and HERE are the list of sources about the content of tone tags !! i wish everyone reading this a lovely day !!

[fireh0es]

Yeah, I deleted it because I decided that with how tired the battles I face IRL make me, I didn't want to deal with being snapped at by some person on the internet who was inevitably going to explode when told someone thought their take was bad. Your response is pretty emotional and not surprising based on what I was expecting to see.

You latched pretty hard to some pretty insane assumptions, maybe out of a need to. Idk, not my business to know why. I'm just really not going to just deal with being misrepresented because you feel angry though.

1. I didn't say specifically that you were talking about me as a person- I said myself and people like me who were posting about it and being vocal about how upsetting it was and trying to call her out. It's a bit tone-deaf to post that people are just virtue signalling in the middle of all this fandom discourse about Edy. I'm autistic and even I know that. I'm also not going to see a post on my FYP that I really just think is arguing a bad faith point, go into the reblogs, scour for your previous reblogs then read the tags on those. That would be crazy.

2. I'm sorry I called out white suburban kids that try to feel mightier than thou because they hang around online and don't, ya know, actually do anything. I know the 'w' word can be a real piss off in some circles but I'm not backing down from that point because I feel like it's valid whether or not it pertained to you. Not really my fault that you happen to be white and didn't like the mention of that phenomenon.

3. You're pretty wrong on trying to guess what my opinion hinges on. I never said we shouldn't call out celebrities- I said that acting like those calling her out are just virtue signalling for clout is an inherently bad faith argument that people who do nothing use to feel superior to those that do anything. You don't know how people stick up for others IRL, so you shouldn't make sweeping generalizations that imply it's all a show when people do. Again, this is about timing and context. It wouldn't have been so weird if it didn't show up on my FYP in the middle of the Edy discourse. Again, Im responding to a post I saw on the For You Page. I didn't hunt you down specifically.

4. I definitely don't think that myself and the people I care about are the only people that have ever gone through hardship and that's the most bizarre, absurd response I can think of that you could glean from my reblog. I stated that I was part of a few groups that sadly meant my entire country pretty much hates me to the point that I was assaulted twice during COVID, so I can understand viscerally what trans people are dealing with right now (I brought up my friend as examples of how bad trans people have it right now) and have no tolerance towards bigotry or people claiming that those calling it out aren't doing so genuinely. Whether you like it or not that's the vibe you gave off. This is truly where my issue lies- because it's pretty gross to claim that I would say that only I and others I knew could experience hardship.

5. You aren't trying to be nice with your response, you don't need to pretend that you are. You've stated that my reblog totally enraged you. You've repeatedly mischaracterized me and have made wild claims about what I'd said while claiming that I'm dismissing your experiences. It's a bit hypocritical and honestly annoying. Especially when I deleted to avoid this kind of freak out.

I had a point of view that was different to yours and I shared it. I don't 'need' to move on and keep quiet, it's not the 1950's anymore. If you don't like it, that's fine, you can also ignore my reblog. People can hold different opinions and say they think yours are bad and it shouldn't get you 'literally shaking with anger'. I deleted before to not make a scene but now I'm going to reblog with clarification because you've said some pretty erroneous things here that deserve to be cleared up. All I can say is that you might want to consider your timing and what look it gives next time.

This isn't debate class and I'm not going to continue a pointless argument, Im just clarifying my viewpoint because it's definitely not the one you've outlined here. I'm not going to cower and change what I feel because you're angry. I'm just going to say my piece regardless, which is kind of doing what your original post said, is it not?

@fireh0es you deleted your reblog of my post before I could post my response and maybe that should be my sign to just let it go but the thing about me is when something pisses me off I’m not so good at letting it go so

If you think my post felt pointed at you for making posts calling out Edy’s transphobia I can guarantee you it wasn’t because first of all, I don’t know you nor have I seen your posts, and second of all, before you decided to rant on my post you could’ve taken the two seconds to investigate and see that the very first reblog of this post was my own, clarifying that the post is not about the Edy’s transphobia. Seems like something you would’ve wanted to do before making as many assumptions as you’ve made, so let’s address those.

Bold of you to assume I’m not part of any group that’s targeted for hateful rhetoric, because I very much am, and am also capable of feeling empathy for the groups I’m not a part of. Novel concept, I guess.

Also your whole argument seems to mostly hinge on the idea that my post is saying we shouldn’t call celebrities out for harmful things, which is not what I said. My post is pointing out how much easier it is for a lot of people to call out someone they don’t know for something they would overlook in someone they know. Maybe that’s not something you feel is true for you, ok, fine, this post is not for you, move along. There are a lot of people it is true for, and I hate to be the one to break it to you, but not all of those people are white, middle class suburb kids. Which, sidebar, was that directed at me? Because, well, I guess you got the white part right. But then, we’ve already established that your reblog was full of assumptions, so.

Honestly, I’ve been trying to be nice in the response but the more I reread your comments in order to formulate my response the angrier I get. I’m sorry that you’ve had such shitty stuff happen to you. That really really sucks, and it’s not ok. What’s also not ok is the way you must think you and the people you care about must be the only ones to have ever experienced such hardships. “Because there are people out there that have to face the consequences of unchecked bigotry.” What on earth would possess you to say this unless you think that just by the nature of the post I made I must have never faced bigotry before in my life.

I don’t even care if you agree with my post. I could not possibly care less about that. I’m just literally shaking with anger with the way you have managed to so easily dismissed me and my experiences. And I guess, the experiences of anyone who has reblogged this post and agreed with it by association.

[mothgenes]

you don't have to answer if you don't want to but why do you hate hazbin so much? im just kinda trying to understand others point of view and im sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, feel free to ignore/delete this if you want.

nah dw about it as long as u dont reply to this or send another one like “oh idk i still love it” i wont get mad it gives me more opportunity to block hell hotel stans 

so there are many reasons here are a few

wlw named v4ggie which is super crass is specifically supposed to be salvadoran and her personality makes her an angry latina stereotype

ch4rlie is a white savior type of figure who wants to save everyone from themselves because she clearly knows better (reinforced by show to be the truth)

The Asexual Character (who i liked when i first saw, u gotta understand) is the BIG SCARY UNUSUAL ONE, who has SCARY powers that a HUMAN SOUL shouldnt have, as if he’s NOT HUMAN SOMEHOW..... scary inhuman and like. freak ass sadistic stalking murdering ace character like ok stop thnx (signed an irritated asexual)

4ngel dust HORRIBLE gay rep. he is The Gay One. his personality is 1) is gay, 2) is prostitute/sex freak who’s predatory and gets physical with uninterested people like the cat bartender man, 3) does drugs. his personality is those things almost exclusively! his design is not one that is respectfully showing a gay character. also: DRAG AND SLUT JOKES. BAD. (signed nby trans guy)

the hell itself thing is like HELLO. THIS IS HELL. IT IS VIOLENCE, BUT ALSO SEX AND DRUGS. PEOPLE IN HELL DO LOTS OF SEX AND DRUGS. SEX AND DRUGS ARE FOR SINNERS IN HELL. demonizes (literally) sex workers and drug addicts/abusers like HARDCORE, which is gross as fuck and overdone

“i dont touch the gays, i have standards.” need i go on? this was said straight without a humorous situation being involved. this was meant to be a JOKE, as if saying these things are FUNNY... gosh i really wish hh didnt touch the gays. i mean shit, WE have standards. (signed, a gay)

a lot of girl characters have x’s over their tits on their shirts and i think thats kinda fuckin gross and lazy

its family guy but edgier with a shitty muddled color palette with no contrast and shows off token representation as excuses for the “no touch gays” and “drag show” jokes n shit as if that makes it OKAY?

it is literally just family guy edgy hell, unfunny garbage sex and violence jokes with sexist and racist and homophobic and transphobic under and overtones throughout.

ALSO V1VZ1EPERSON LIKE. PROMOTED BLACKFACERS AND TERFS KINDA RECENTLY, RELATIVELY SPEAKING? AS LIKE, “CONTROVERSIAL WOMEN” , DRAWING THEM FANART???? CONTROVERSIAL???? U MEAN NASTY????

USED TO STEAL CHARACTER DESIGNS LIKE STRAIGHT UP FROM PEOPLE LIKE THE DIE YOUNG MUSIC VID MAIN CHARACTER

NEVER APOLOGIZED OR PUBLICLY DENOUNCED HER OLD HABIT OF DRAWING CHILDREN FUCKING SNAKES OR HER TEACHER-STUDENT PEDOPHILIA RELATIONSHIP SHE PROMOTED UNTIL LATER RET-CONNING IT INTO BEING NON-UNDERAGE?

MADE THESE CHARACTERS IN THE FIRST PLACE? AND SEEMS TO THINK THAT LIKING TO MAKE TRASHY CHARACTERS AND BEING DONE WITH IT MAKES IT OKAY TO MAKE TRASHY ASS HOMOPHOBIC FREAK SHIT CHARACTERS????? SELF AWARENESS GETS NO BROWNIE POINTS.

she also doesnt label her content as 18+ last i checked. its super easy to mark it as over eighteen or sensitive content, just a little button when uploading, but she doesnt bother. her artstyle attracts younger people, anywhere from like 12 to 15 and others. thats a PROBLEM!

ok i got a little angry and loud because hh is becoming a genuine trigger for me in that it makes me super nauseous and aggressive and anxious for kinda noticeable reasons according to above, (also im autistic and my emotions hit me like a boulder and getting upset or riled up too quickly can make me fuckin black out for a second so its a LOT)

so i’d appreciate not talking abt this more but i might as well answer. its not hard to find posts, some of which i’ve reblogged here, with actual links to sources for all of the vivshit.

anyway thats why i dont like it! preferably no follow up questions but i’ll block any freaks who come out to play

[chigiriki]

ok im abt to say it...

for a really long time ive been REALLY upset about how people approach 2012′s treatment of mikey because... its an ableist shitfest to be frank lol

the creators have stated that they meant for mikey to be represented as an individual with adhd and that obviously means that they also wrote him as someone with adhd. there are a lot of traits to adhd (and all the forms of it and the different ways they can manifest, and how their severity by symptom might fluctuate and vary), but the ones it gets characterized with are inability to focus, hyperactivity, “weird” trains of thought, impulsivity and unique ways of conceptualizing and approaching the world.

anyone who has actually watched the show can agree that indeed, these are all traits that can be very clearly connected to 2012 michelangelo.

so if its an “accurate” depiction of adhd, why would i ever say that its “ableist” (and therefore #problematic ?)

because mikey is literally given hell for all these neurodivergent traits he shows lol. his father treats him as a good-for-nothing, expecting him to fail and simply treating him as “special” (word that holds a lot of weight when directed towards the disabled, btw), who neglects to spend any time with his son or consider his strengths without putting him down in the same breath. whenever his instincts, his uniqueness is acknowledged, it’s reiterated how he’s a dumbass airhead with no coherent thought or intelligence in his head.

his brothers are allowed to constantly silence him, speak over him, ignore him, shut him down for no reason and treat him like shit for behavior that canonically he has never had any tools to moderate or is simply slightly “odd” but ultimately harmless. he’s told he’s worthless, he’s hit and berated for thinking the wrong thing or getting distracted etc etc etc

i said it in my earlier post and i’ll say it again: through their thoughtless adding of neurodivergence (and the neurodivergence-based behaviors that read as such to anyone with similar disabilities) to a character they meant to treat as a joke, mikey’s treatment morphs from bad writing and poor comedy to genuinely upsetting and potentially triggering parallel to a lot of the ableist abuse and mistreatment that disabled children go through.

im not saying that 2012 created this problem in media, there are tropes that are entirely built on borrowing neurodivergent behaviors for easy (cheap) comic relief that pan across multiple genres and age demographics. these tropes being so widespread is why its so hard to find intentionally autistic or adhd (+ other disabilities but these are the ones im best equipped to talk about) characters who ARENT the butt of every joke or resident punching bags for their traits. but also i think its a high time we start putting a finger on WHY a lot of people are put off by the dynamic between mikey and raph in 2012, WHY people hate splinter’s treatment of his kids (another post entirely tbh), WHY people have so many and so deep problems with 2012 that go beyond just “inconsistent writing”. 

like honestly this has all probably been said before but yall really get on my nerves about the way you go out of your way to dismiss people’s discomfort with certain aspects of 2012 AND ALSO how you treat mikey within fandom. there was that one post circulating around about how people infantilize neurodivergent (usually characters with adhd and autistic traits) characters and treat them as useless stupid dumbasses in really gross ways and yeah thats a HUGE thing within 2012 fandom and i have no doubt 2012 canon has just fed into it.

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTER LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 9

oh goody!

well this is it. the Date Chapter. the chapter, in which, the Date happens. lowkey im so fucking hype for this stupid goddamn chapter AAAAAAAAAAAA this is when the sexy got kicked up about seven notches and i know its gonna be a fucking twenty from here on out so LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO

“Is this your date, Ms. Fall?” he asked.

Cinder didn’t look away from Glynda. “Mhm.”

STRAIGHT OUT OF THE GODDAMN GATE WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A SECOND TO EVEN GATHER OURSELVES JUST STRAIGHT UP HUH!!!!!!!!! ‘is this your date’ im legally dead

What the fuck.

already im fucking THRIVING im so glad this chapter’s mood got encapsulated within the first ten seconds and im definitely gonna have to re-read this chapter for the full unannotated experience OOOOOOOOOH MY GOD IM SO READY

Glynda’s thoughts ricocheted inside her head like coins left in a dryer. A part of her couldn’t understand what was happening and disengaged. The rest of her, grasping for purchase in all this, reasoned that going with Cinder was better than staying here confused, alone, and utterly displaced.

glynda ‘i aint ever had a gf before’ goodwitch at her PEAK right here. like GOD shes gone from ‘cinder’s trying to murder me’ to ‘cinder just plopped me right into a date’ like CINDER. CINDER YR CHANGING GEARS SO FAST. YOU DIDNT EVEN SEND FLOWERS OR ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

is it because shes a u-haul lesbian or

Higher, Glynda realized the dress itself was backless, revealing the black tattoo she’d seen so often before, perfectly centered between sharp shoulder blades.

this gay energy is BONKERS, quite frankly??????? where did cinder get her dress from? why does she have it? did she buy it just for this fuckery? or will she pull the ‘i just had a this lil number laying around’ line????????? does she wanna seduce glynda to death?????? was this PLANNED OR DID SHE JUST DECIDE SHE WANTED A DATE AND WTH LIFE REALLY IS SHORT ON REMNANT THESE DAYS?????????? cinder fall please explain your workings to the class

maybe Glynda wasn’t the only one who’d become adept at reading her opponent.

👏 when 👏 will 👏 they 👏 kiss 👏 already 👏👏👏👏

me: this is a slowburn also me: if u assholes dont give me this in the next ten seconds-

“Unarmed? As if you could be so helpless.”

cinder’s style of flirting is just. commentating on a person’s deadliness. that’s IT it’s the only TRICK SHE HAS and its working, is the thing,

im reading the description of the table and remembering the shitpost and oh my god i have to draw this???? hell IS real!!!!!! COULDNT YALL JUST TOSS EM IN A PLAIN BOX,

Cinder eyed her from her bastion of dark cushions,

cinder, ass-deep in cushions: this is peak cuddle territory come and join me

Cinder, for her part, seemed delighted Glynda had noticed. Touching the pendant more gently than Glynda might have ever thought her capable of, Cinder said,  “Yours? You didn’t seem to mind parting with it.”

im still deeply enjoying this powermove the novelty NEVER wears off (and at risk of light spoilers i do enjoy its place in this story 👀)

Cinder let the necklace drop, settling against the swell of her bust once more,

/lightly coughs 👀👀👀

im losing my MIND at how gay this bit is i physically cannot HANDLE IT and if they even describe the meal once im gonna pop off cause i am. SO HUNGRY RN. AAAAAAAAAAAA

Cinder indicated a dish of lamb and vegetables, served on a bed of rice and drizzled in some sort of sauce.

SRY THIS ISNT GAY BUT OH MY GOD IM SO HUNGRY I WANNA E A T I T THAT SOUNDS SO GOOD UGHGHGHGHGHGH WHY DID THIS CHAPTER HAVE TO BE TODAY OF ALL THE DAYS,

Glynda cleared her throat, working out: “The Grimm.”

like. GOD WE KNOW GLYNDA IS JUST SO FUNCTIONALLY BAD AT CONVERSATION BUT OF ALL THE THINGS glynda please just. just. stop thinking abt her sexy tattoos for a fifth of a second,

“You can control them.” A sedate blink. For all the world, Glynda might have just commented on the weather.

which is a faux pas for a date!!!!!!!!!!! at least tell her the DRESS IS SEXY WE ALL KNO WHATS WHAT YR THINKIN ABT

Glancing down as though it were being pointed out to her for the first time, Cinder shrugged and adjusted the end of the glove a little higher on her bicep. “And?” 

a quick aside im enjoying how like... visually expressive cinder is in this remaster! i can see her facial expressions and her motions really clearly in my mind’s eye which is a fun little boon if only because i have to redraw this nonsense hjsgdfjhfksgd but cinder’s got a Good Face this time around! A QUALITY FACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You should know by now, there’s something about you that’s simply irresistible to Grimm.”

HERE COMES THE PLOT (and a single surviving line so far... this one sentence has survived all the world could throw at it... we stan)

Cinder straightened, and Glynda saw that this was what she’d been waiting for.

“It isn’t every day the great Glynda Goodwitch kneels before her adversary, is it?”

HELLO??????????????????????????? WHATS THIS WORDING????????? honestly tho for a second i thought she meant like. quite literally and i thought id missed some PROPER SHIT RIGHT THERE BUT YEAH WTH!!!!!!! C I N D E R

“You cheated. You can’t beat me on your own.”

yes glynda we gathered that yr a top

“Really, Glynda? Poison?” she sneered, something like offense simmering in her expression. “After all this?”

looks at the camera

anyway,

god im literally losing grasp of words to say because theres such a charged mood in this scene............. theyre brushing fingers............ trading jabs.......... im slurpin it up babey!!!!!!!! this rly is the BEST remaster of this whole scene it DESERVES this wordcount!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Beat you,” Cinder corrected. “And call it a point of pride.”

yes cinder we gathered yr a brat,

this dynamic is why this fic is so fuckign good when will winter have a swift return to add even more fuckery to this wild ride

Then, with a heavy-lidded look, Cinder found Glynda’s hand between them, the touch so sudden and daring that Glynda flinched. The fabric of those gloves was smooth against Glynda’s flesh, and for all that cruelty had marked every other instance of contact between them, Cinder was surprisingly gentle.

whomp there go my nuts

WHAT IS THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO MADE THE EXECUTIVE CHOICE TO ADD THIS LINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO???????????? im losing my BRAINCELLS

What she wasn’t ready for was for Cinder to guide her hand to her own throat and hold it there.

THERE IS IT THERE’S THE KINK IT’S BEEN SPOTTED

oh my GOD what even IS THIS WHO ADDED THIS SECTION WHO ALLOWED THIS TO COME TO P A S S WHAT THE FUCK EVEN IS RN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HELLO????????? HEWWO??????????

Now… Now Cinder interested her.

tbh how can i liveblog this? what commentary can i POSSIBLY add that we arent already all THINKING. we just launched into a level of hell so deep that lucifers gonna have to pull some goddamn tricks to follow us down here!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS THIS SCENE! THIS MOMENT! IM SCREAMING

Glynda mirrored the expression back at him, and finally, he coughed, not making strong eye contact with either of them. He set their plate before them and hurried out without so much as a check-in.

i just KNEW that was gonna happen JHGDSFGJHKSDF he was gonna walk in on SMTHNG but i didnt think itd be CINDER’S CHOKING KINK,

okay i took a break and ate my weight in roast chicken and we’re back babey

Almost nervously, her fingers carded through her own dark hair, and there, among the locks, Glynda spotted a glimpse of something white, structured and ridged.

AND I AM INSTANTLY KNOCKED BACK UPON MY ASS 👈W👈H😨A👈T👈

It was easier to ignore the rest of it—whatever it was.

glynda you are a fool and a moron im withering into DUST

On no level had she expected those to be Glynda’s words.

then what... did she expect... well probably -- and rightly so -- ‘bitch WHAT ARE THOSE’ TBH

wait sorry i have to jump back because i forgot customary fingerguns on the most brazen bit of Shit yet:

Cinder was occupying herself with something else: the head of a dragon, perched over the door and staring down at the two of them with red, glossy eyes.

👈👈👈😎👈👈👈

okay BACK TO THE FIC

Fangs snapped together around the word.

aka back to me horni

/chanting TEETH! TEETH! TE

okay but the reason i doubled back to catch that fingergun is because we’re getting ass-deep into plot now!!!!!!!!!!! WITCHES AND DRAGONS BABEY......... HERE’S WHAT OFFAL HUNT IS ALL ABT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cant rly drop more fingerguns than that because any astute reader will start realising the dots im shouting abt and honestly half the fun of this fic is the ride so >:3c

“Funny. I was sure he would have told you.”

that blow was so low i think cinder hit the concrete with that one

oh god theyre gonna get to the bit and i-

“Is that what all of this has been about? You called me here to remind me that I'm autistic?”

/SCREAMS

The words were delivered firmly, calmly, but Cinder’s response was the opposite, sudden upheaval seizing her. Her expression opened in something akin to panic. “Wh—no? What? No! That's not what I—”

/SCREAMS

oh my GOD CINDER YOU HAVE FUCKED UP LEGENDARILY!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD SHE WAS FELL ASS-FIRST ONTO A LANDMINE OH MY GOD

offal hunt v1 cinder: im totally in control and im playing glynda every step of the way

offal hunt v2 cinder: OH JESUS OH FUCK OH NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT-

Cinder seemed genuinely stressed now, speaking quicker as though trying to bury the last sixty seconds.

i knew this remaster would have sections that would blow me away but this bit really took the fcuking cake DGHSJFSJHFDG holy SHIT this is AMAZING

It was difficult to tell in the low light, but if Glynda wasn't mistaken, there was a bright flush of embarrassment coloring Cinder’s cheeks.

this is SUCH prime content hey remember in one of the early liveblogs that cinder would descend into full dork? WELL THE DESCENT CAME EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /pops bottles

“Cinder.” There was a very real line of threat in Glynda’s tone. “Don’t.”

oh this whole scene just keeps getting better i am LOVING this dynamic now!!!!!!! before it was all pretty one-sided so having the conversation rock back and forth is 👌👌👌

That Witch soul of yours—it was designed to void out everything but the prey before you. To be numb to all human emotion. To focus on the hunt and nothing else.

finally the fruit of 50% of my fingerguns COMES TO LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!! PLOT PLOT PLOT

“This is bullshit.” Jabbing an accusing finger at Cinder, Glynda said, “You’re a liar. You’re a criminal!”

i LOVE glyndas pottymouth in this its such a good like... change from her being strict and formal and teachery and now shes full on gremlin huntress hell YES BABY!!!!!!!!!! GO OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“There’s all kinds of things I bet he never told you.” Cinder continued. “Did you know he was close to your predecessor? The Witch who came before you—they were inseparable.”

SRY IM LIKE STRUGGLIN TO COMMENTATE because so much of this like. speaking as an Old-Ass Reader this is like. a LOT! A LOT HAS CHANGED and yet,,,, stayed the same,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, yall kids WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL CHAPTER LIKE................ 15 FOR THIS SHIT (but like. chapter 15 was different because this chapter used to be like chapter 7? so now everythings moved along so chapter 15 doesnt sound that impressive but trust me it was a different fic back then)

When they fell away, burnt and ruined, she could see Cinder’s bare arms for the first time. The red lines drawn across her skin sloped down the entire length of her arms, circling her elbows, carved into her wrists. They ended right at her hands, ensuring any long-sleeved garment would hide them. Every covered inch of her was filled like a canvas, like abstract art.

lets pause the fight scene for glynda to be gay!!!!! god im. okay look i said this earlier but im so glad we have more cinder like this tbh. the first version was rly lacking w/ cinder content until late-game when the plot sorta. got itself going? but now we’re eye-deep in this content i LOVE cinder i love this WEIRDO who is a HUGE LOSER and IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Glynda could not dispel the fear that she had been telling the truth.

and after committing Some Amount In Damages, we’re at the end of the chapter!

okay so i really enjoyed this version SO MUCH MORE. everything abt it was polished and worked together so much better and it really needed the space to breathe in its own chapter. its been horny, gay, intense, hilarious, and way more in one chapter and its SO good this really is PEAK offal hunt!!!!!!!!!!!! good job diesel and kc but im still going to murder you both,

[trickstarbrave]

today in reasons i feel shitty: my friend blew up on me on twitter bc i kept ASKING him if he wanted to play dnd with us bc hes a part of our group. i asked him if he could LAST WEDNESDAY and he has been giving me the run around since then. saying “i dont know yet” and “ill tell you when i do”. i tell him to let us know sunday at least, because the only days off he has are monday and tuesday. he says okay

sunday evening comes and he hasnt said shit so i ask him. hes drunk and i tell him we’ll talk tomorrow. monday i ask him if he can play tomorrow and he says hes “not sure and will need to ask if theyre playing mtg” so i say “okay”. he doesnt reply back all day. TODAY i ask him if he wants to play today or not and he says “i have to pick up a court summons” (not, “actually sorry i am playing mtg today”, not “i dont feel like playing, im sorry”). i sound suspicious but say “okay” and remind him we havent played in over a week AS IS. and he then GOES OFF ON ME for “guilt tripping him” and “making it an ~obligation~ he plays” and how i “stress him out by asking over and over again”. when i tell him he should have told me straight out he didnt want to play instead of just giving vague “maybe i dont know” answers he gets defensive even more and says “I DID” and when i say “no, you didnt, the only thing vaguely like that is you saying “im gonna be tired” on a question about your days off. thats not a yes or no answer and lots of us play while tired so why would i assume it was something else” 

“WELL ITS NOT MY FAULT YOURE A BUNCH OF SADISTS WHO HAD TO TURN A FUN CASUAL GAME INTO A OBLIGATION WHERE YOU ALL ARE FORCED TO PLAY SICK OR TIRED! i cant even SAY i dont want to play because you all guilt trip me and get mad when i do.” 

see, he doesnt say “sorry guys my next days off will be full and im not up to it.” and apologize for keeping us waiting or giving us the go ahead to play without him (WEVE HAD THIS DISCUSSION BEFORE and PURPOSEFULLY made the game so if he doesnt want to play he can leave whenever so long as its not in the middle of a fucking mission. okay. its not like we just sit there doing nothing but complain if he cant play). he waits until the DAY OF OUR GAME to tell is he purposefully made plans on game night, no he cant change them, no he was absolutely always forced to do them right now during game time, and then get pissy when we all complain because we dont even have time to plan around him and have cleared out our evening for nothing and our time is wasted. 

he then keeps going on and on because apparently i was just supposed to know the words “im tired” and his vague answers like hes genuinely unsure about the state of tomorrow were him “actually” telling me he doesnt even want to play and i should have fucking caught on, he wanted to quit this game MONTHS ago. i was just supposed to know him being ‘busy’ was a ‘secret message’ that actually meant ‘just stop even asking me when i want to play a game and hang out with my friends! just stop inviting me in general! i dont like you or the game! its not fun and stresses me out and im LYING to you.” and we just all fucking ignore him and play without him and let him figure out we havent even been giving him the opportunity to join to play

which is so fucking. terrible. who would just assume “thats what you mean”???? like imagine if you WERENT doing this and actually were really busy and your friends just eventually stopped even inviting you to game night, only for you to check the group chat months later and find out they have been playing without you and having fun and didnt even bother inviting you to anything at all. you just find this out. and by the time you figure it out they might have done a lot stuff or played games YOU wanted to play and they arent going to go back and replay the stuff you missed bc they just assumed you were lying to their faces and it wouldnt matter anyways if you were there or not. how hurtful would that be? imagine if some of your friends did that to you, would you be HAPPY they did it??? 

keep in mind HE is the one who picked out the VERY NEXT MISSION WE”RE ABOUT TO DO so fucking sorry if we assumed “HEY HE PROBABLY WANTS TO PLAY IT. YKNOW THE MISSION HE FUCKING PICKED OUT. THE MISSION INVOLVING STUFF SPECIFICALLY FOR HIS CHARACTER” oh my fucking god. 

now i dont know the state of our group bc he yelled at me more and said he quit and deleted all his tweets and our dm is miserable and put the game on hiatus for 2 fucking weeks. i feel miserable too bc my friend has been lying to me and called me a guilt tripper and manipulative for reminding him hes stringing along 5 other people by not being fucking honest with us and said its OUR PROBLEM he cant be honest even though we structured the game so he can take MONTH long breaks if he needs to just give us the heads up. i told him he could quit once we got more than 3 players bc do you know how annoying it is to do a full campaign w only 2 characters playing???? bc one of the three dropped out??? i told him to just fucking play until then and he could quit for real and he went “but i DO wanna play : ( im just stressed!” 

well now ill just fucking believe every time he complains abt smth like “man i have to spend money on this thing” that means we’re just not hanging out like we planned. im not gonna ask him if hes actually going to the ren fest even tho the bed situation was taken care of bc i just assume now that he only brought up the bed to tell me hes not fucking going and to fuck off. im not making a costume for it either if my best friend doesnt go im just gonna stay home. 

i cant read the fucking air and he knows this. hes known me forever. he knows im ignorant and dont ‘get’ stuff like “if someone keeps canceling plans that means they want you to leave them the fuck alone and stop even inviting them or talking to them”. he knows im probably autistic and struggle with ‘unsaid” social cues like that and he just STILL does this and calls ME terrible for not ‘getting it’ and ‘forcing him’ to yell at me. im rtired.