#-(internally) goes 'i knew it was mommy issues'

[romanarose]

If You Wanna Be Wild: Chapter 6

Co-written with @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction my beloved Fen, who I could not do this without. Thank you for being my emotional sounding board, my dear friend, my wonderful cowriter and helpful beta reader. I adore you.

Javier Peña x Latina!sex worker!informant!Reader x Santiago Garcia

Join my general tag list (Comment to join the tag list for this fic)

Triple Frontier Master List

Spotify Playlist

Series Masterlist : Read on AO3

Summary: Santi takes Candy out, and Javier gets jealous, but still he defends them both. Drama erupts, and Santi finds something out about himself.

Content and warnings for whole fic, not chapter by chapter unless something is added: Sex work, drug trade, some drug use/pressured used, sex workers and the mistreatment/stigma surrounding them specifically in the 70’s (my blog is sex worker positive) but ima put potential dub con depending how you look at it as a sex worker who works with dangerous men, some action surrounding reader and the guys and the drug trade, SMUT HEAVY, corruption kink (were corrupting santi here, he’s young, 25), no loss of virginity tho, threesomes, some slight m/m smut but that’s not the focus here, but as you know this blog is an lgbt blog so I’m always open to gay shit. Talk of war and some PTSD but I won't be going a whole lot into it. Covert/emotional incest in the past, Santi's mommy issues, m/m dynamics, internalized bi/homophobia

For the record, this is a fic that takes place in the drug trade and deals with the darker side of humanity, so anything from Narco's and Triple Frontier is liable to be discussed or mentioned here. This is your warning. This is not a dark fic nor is it centered around dark themes like Leather and Lace or Sunshine Starlight Sweetheart Brightside, but they are open to be talked about.

Reader has a nick name: Candy. Not her real name just what she goes by on her profession. Much of the inspo for this and for the title came from the Bruce Springsteen song “Candy’s room” so check it out for the vibes.

Reader speaks Spanish and has hair. I've decided Candy is just latina bc she's a sex worker in Colombia so this is what I'm doing. Reader also has curly hair and dark skin.

ADDITIONAL WARNINGS!: Santi's panicy trauma response. Santi's mommy issues in full swing. Javier is jealous, lots of arguments. Cumming untouched, titty sucking. We're in for it boys!

THE SMUT WAS 100% WRITTEN BY THE AMAZING @my-secret-shame-but-fanfiction i knew i needed mommy kink and he was the one to go to. If you like subby men, Fen, my dearest cowritter, writes great fics esp with Steven Grant <3 What Fen said when they wrote it "Yoooooo, what am I writing Romana? Madness? I think so."

6.7 words (I'm so fucking sorry okay A LOT WAS HAPPENING)

A/N Since I am apparently an incomprehensible writer, please know that the smut scene in the last chapter was not a threesome, it's Javi fingering Candy and Candy flashing back to her giving Santi a reach around handjob. I wanted to compare and contrast the way the two pairs care for and pleasure each other. but it came across as a threesome :(

Support writers! Reblog and comment!

***************

Santiago didn’t know why he was so nervous.

“What we need is to get out into the actual field!” Javier exclaimed, setting his mug down loud enough to make Santi jump. “Sorry, Garcia.” He muttered, wiping a bit of spilled coffee with his sleeve.

Santiago rolled his shoulders, reaching back to rub his spine over the scar. The surgery saved his life, but damn did it hurt. “S’alright. Listen, I had an idea, but I don’t know if it’s going to be anything. It does get us out of the office next week.”

“I’ll take it, what do you have, Pope.”

Santi smiled. “Well, the nickname is fitting. It’s a rally for the beatification of Laura Montoya.”

A smile quirked up on Javier’s grumpy face. Unbuckling his belt after a second round of stress donuts, Javi kicked his legs up on his desk. “Of course you would know that.”

“My tia invited me.” He shoved Javi’s boots off, then wiped his hands on his pants. “We know what his family looks like now, maybe they will be there? It’s something.”

Javier agreed, it was something. Tracking Lorea had not gone as well as Escabar had. Not that that was a flawless mission itself, but at least it had traction. Martin Lorea was far less public.

The pair settled into an easy rhythm of planning the event. Santiago would have to avoid his tia’s, he thought. That may be hard, considering he had 4 and several cousins who will likely be attending the event. Colombia doesn’t have a canonized saint yet, and she was recognized as venerable so her potential beautification was a big deal for Colombia. Still, he couldn’t be recognized at the rally, his family would want to talk and talk and talk and ask why he didn’t have girlfriend and talk and ask who Javier was, and Tia Lupe would ask him if he had a ‘modern arrangement’ with Javier which would make Santi sick to his stomach with anxiety and- fuck he felt like the donut he stole from Javi was coming back up.

“Gotta go, be right back.”

“I’ll be timing you.” Javier kicked his legs back up on his desk and closed his eyes.

Over the toilet, Santi dry heaved, unsure if he was really going to puke or just felt like it. What the hell was it with Javier these days that made him so anxious? Things had been going well, their friendship repaired in the months since Javier caught him and Candy together. Other than Frankie, who would always be his number one, Javi was his best friend. He’d die for him the way he’d have died for Will, Frank or Ben… but there was something more. Since the day they met, Santiago wanted nothing more than Javier’s approval, he strived for it… maybe it was that he saw Javi as a father figure, almost 15 years older than him… that wasn’t right either. He couldn’t place it until earlier this week.

The DEA ball was coming up, Javier had asked Santi if he wanted to carpool since they both didn’t have dates and lived near-by… to which Santi said he actually had a date. She was a surprise. So was the fact Javier wanted to go.

The “Oh” that had fallen out of his mouth though Santiago off. It sounded disappointed. Santi couldn’t stand Javier disappointed in him. That’s when the thought happened. ‘I wish we could just go together’ Not arrive together. Go together. As a couple. His first thought was no, that’s illegal. His second thought was no, he’d go to hell. His third was him mami, god rest her soul, would roll over in her grave.

He shook the thoughts away, but ever since then he began noticing the way he stared at Javi, the way his body buzzed with any incidental touch… He had to shove it down.

Certainly, Javier was open-minded, but he would to spend as much time as he did with him if he was gay, right? He wouldn’t incite Santi over for futball games on the tv, he wouldn’t take him with him to get lunch… he wouldn’t even want to work with him. It would all be over.

That’s what made Santi sick.

That, and the anxiety over who his secret date was.

*

You didn’t know why you were so goddamn nervous.

You had to admit, you were very surprised when Santiago showed up for his regularly scheduled appointment, flowers in hand, asking you to join him at the ball.

“Santi… sweetie… I don’t know…”

His large eyes looked nervous. “It’s a job! I’ll pay you, I’m not expecting anything free! And I I know what you’re gonna say, I don’t care about Javi freaking out. Imean, if you care I don’t wanna pressure you of course! I’m not trying to come between you guys, but I doubt he’ll even show. He hates these things.”

“It’s not that I’m worried about…” You take the flowers, thanking him genuinely, and walking to your kitchen. Santiago anxiously paced your walls, trailing his hands over your posters. “Sweetheart, I know we have a good time, but I am a prostitute, you know this.”

“I swear, I don’t have any notions about us being in love… I just want you there.”

Placing the flowers in the vase, you turn to look at him. “I just… well…” You hesitate, unsure how to not freak the poor kid out. “oh my god, there's no polite way to say this, but, Javier is far from the only DEA agent I’ve slept with. Hell, I slept with the janitor once.”

“Mario’s a cool guy, I don’t blame you.”

“What I’m saying is,” She sighed out her words. “You’re a sweet young man, and I know you’re a lot younger than most of the guys there. I don’t want to cause you any trouble-”

“Candy-”

“And I know I’ll cause you trouble if I’m there. They are going to make fun of you for bringing a hooker to a ball.”

He shook his head. “I don’t care. There’s no one else I want there with me but you, and I don’t care what Javier says, or any of them for that matter.”

You smile softly at the young man. He was earnest, but although you believed he didn’t care about the other guys at the precinct, you didn’t believe him for one second about Javi. Santiago worshiped the ground Javier walked on, it was clear by the way he talked about his partner.

“If you really don’t care, then yes, I’d love to go.”

His youthful face lit up. “Really?!”

“Yes” You giggle. “It sounds like a great night.”

Santiago ran to you, making you squeal as he threw you over his shoulder. “I’m gonna make you cum so many fucking times on my face, Candy, you don’t even know.”

You had to admit you were a little nervous. A lot nervous. He said he didn't think Javier would be there, but you weren’t sure, and hadn’t had a chance to try and prod him for information. You’d asked around, and Javi had been spending several nights with Gabby. This was not unusual, he was known to bounce around women, but he always came back to you. Today, though, it made you jealous as all hell. Santiago made you nervous too.

You wanted to at least make a good impression for him, so you went out and bought a brand new evening gown for the occasion, something classy, showing the curves but not your tits. Your big Farrah Faucet curls that usually accompanied a night with Lorea and his men were dialed down more to a simple look, your make-up more natural that a night on the town with high rollers would see. Still you were beautiful and you knew it. Just less like a hooker.

*

Javier didn’t know why he was so fucking nervous. He never went to these stupid things, much preferring to spend a night undressed with his cock buried between a pretty woman’s legs than stuff himself into a suit that had only gotten tighter in recent years. But, Pope was gonna be there, he was gonna be dressed up in some overdone suite, Javi just knew it. And his stupid curls would be slicked back and inevitably a few would pop out and he’d spend the night trying to keep them back but they would want to be wild and he’d eventually mess with his hair too much and it’d be all every-which-way and, and, and…

So maybe he was late. So maybe he was a little tipsy. Maybe he had been taking pulls of a flask in the back of a taxi but there was coke baggie and a cum stain on the seat so was it really the worst the car had seen? He pulled up to the dance in his too-tight suit, stumbling out a bit, and attempted to find his way inside. He didn’t really want to see Santi dancing with a girl, but if he didn’t show, Santi would worry, and Javi didn’t like Santi worrying.

Javier hoped she was nice. A nice girl because he was a nice young man. Someone to take care of him in some ways, to let him care for her in others… Javi knew he could take care of Sant. He had when he was sick, hadn’t he? Therein lied the reason Javi was drunk. The burn of the liquor was to press down the feeling he couldn’t ignore sober. He wanted Santiago.

“Buenas noche, amigos. ¿Has visto Santiago?”

Javi asked as he stumbled on a few men from the DEA chattering in a corner

One of the men, Freddy, chuckled, taking a sip of his beer. “Oh, you haven't seen him yet?”

This caused all the men to laugh, but Javier didn’t get the joke. He got the feeling whatever it was, they were laughing at Santi. Javier knew Santi hadn’t really clicked with the men. He was too straight laced, too honest… too good.

“The fuck does that mean?” Javier asked with an obvious bit of bite. Santiago was his to protect.

“Young Garcia came here with a whore on his arm.” Another man, Josue, with a patchy mustache he should just call it quits on attempting to grow replies. “Wonder if he knows what she is, or if he’s going to wake up to a nasty bill in the morning.”

The group laughs, and Javier feels panic rising inside him. No. No way. Santiago couldn’t possibly be that stupid, could he? He was the smartest man Javier knew. He’d never risk her like this… 

Freddy continued when he saw Javi’s confused look. “Yeah, Pena, thats what I thought too!” He said with a laugh that Javier knew was not the good natured ribbing he gave Santi. “You know Candy?”

“Uh, yeah, sounds familiar.” The room was spinning, lights and smoke and colors starting to blur.

“The whore on 7th that lets you play rough? Yeah, her.”

Javier snapped to attention again. “What did you just say?”

“Yeah, I can’t believe it either!” He turns to another man Javier doesn’t have it in him to focus on. “I bet Virgin Maria thinks he’s in love.”

Grabbing him by the shoulder, Javier turned Freddy to him. “What the fuck did you say about Garcia?”

“Relaje, Pena. You call him Pope, different name, same meaning.”

But it wasn’t. Santi was Javi’s friend, Javier cared about him. Javier called him Pope to his face and if he thought it upset him, Javi wouldn’t do it. Freddy and the guys were calling him Virgin Maria behind his back, intending on being assholes. It was meant to hurt, it wasn’t true (Santi wasn’t a virgin even before Candy), it was meant to make a mockery of his good nature, his religion, and his morals. The effeminate name was meant to mock his slight build and stature as well as his passive nature. None of them knew the Santiago that Javier knew. They didn’t know the intelligent, compassionate, incredibly capable young former special opes agent who had saved his life multiple times and had given more break throughs on Lorea than he could could.

“Tell me again what you said about Candy.”

*

Despite the fact everyone was staring at them, you had never seen Santi so happy, so relaxed. He had a few drinks and for his small body it probably left him feeling warm and content. You had opted to stay mostly sober, only drinking one glass of white wine from the open bar; Santiago’s generous and soft smile to the bartender only endeared him to you more. 

He was so much fun like this. You loved the time you spent with him in bed, that was fun too, but you’d also come to genuinely enjoy the moments where he wasn’t making you orgasm on his lips again and again. You genuinely cared when you asked him about his day, and had made a mental note of all the names he mentioned at the precinct that were causing him problems that you recognized. You weren’t sure how without outting him, but you’d figure out some way to fuck with them. One who was a massive dick to him, Freddy, was also a massive dick to you too.

Santi was indulging in a cupcake, telling a story of his friend Benny hitting on a woman only to realize her husband was standing next to her.

“It took me, his brother Will, Fish and Redfly to break the fight up. He still won’t go in that neighborhood anymore!” Santi giggles, taking a bite of the vanilla.

You laugh along; he’s an entertaining story teller. “Did he learn his lesson?”

“No! No! That’s the best part!” Santi said as he waved his hands excitedly. “He immediately, and I mean as soon as we cleaned the blood off his face, went and hit on another girl! And you wanna know the worst part?”

“It worked?”

“It work- how did you know that?”

“Women are easy, Santi.” Swaying to the music, you set his cupcake down. He has frosting on his upper lip, just under where his mustache sat.. “We love our men bloodied.” You pull him in close, eyeing his upper lip for the frosting, but he looks like he’s going for a kiss, and who are you to deny such a handsome man?

“Even when they lose?” He speaks, voice soft and sultry. Santi’s eye flick to your lips, his own push pillows parting to receive you.

“Especially when they lose.” You close the gap, taking his lips in yours and licking your tongue over his sugar-covered upper lip, brushing over his mustache. Sweet, just like him. Your sweet man. 

For a moment, you are lost in him, the sounds of the Jim Croce floating in the air.

'Cause every time I tried to tell you

The words just came out wrong

So I'll have to say I love you in a song’

*

CRASH!

Immediately, at the sound of excitement, Santiago is in front of you, guarding your body with his. He doesn’t move, thinking clearly and assessing the situation; looking for where the danger is at and where the best exit points may be. Keep Candy safe. Keep Candy safe. His only goal was her, keep her away from any narcos, terrorists, freedom fighters or drunken men that might be causing a stir. When the center of the commotion was coming from the north, Santiago took Candy’s hand and began to take her to one of the south exits, a lesser used one with less potential for a second assailant, when he felt her tug away.

“JAVI!” She shouts, running towards the danger in high heels, rust colored skirt fluttering just as her flowy sleeves did.

“CANDY!” Running after her, he catches up with ease without the hindrance of heels. Santi tries to stop her, not wanting her near the drunken brawl, but she is on a single minded mission. Javier was under Freddy, who Santiago did not like, and getting the shit beat out of him. If he had a second more, if his focus wasn’t so on Candy, he would have beat her too it… but Candy was quicker

Santiago watches in surprise as she lifts her skirt, pulling a knife out of her garter, getting behind Freddy and gripping his hair hard, knife to his throat.

Everything was a deadly calm, everyone saying so, so still to not disturb the crazy woman with a knife. When Santi looked to Javier to check if he was okay, he saw Javi looking up at her with his big brown eyes, clearly fucking enamored.

“Freddy, get off of him before I tell everyone the weird shit you’re into.”

The next few minuets were a blur. As soon as Freddy was off Javier and Candy’s knife was off him, he was a big man again and the group began arguing. Santiago couldn’t quite pick up what it was about except “KEEP HIS NAME OUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!” From Javi.

They were all three escorted out by security; weapons weren’t allowed at the ball.

Outside the doors, a second argument erupted.

Candy tried to approach Javier. “Javi, baby, are you-” But as her hands reached for his swollen face, the older agent stepped back and turned his attention to his mentee. “Are you fucking stupid, Garcia?!”

Santi and Candy both are taken aback by this, but it’s Candy that speaks first. “Don’t talk to him like that!” 

Javier’s anger is turned back to her. “And you! You should know better than this! Than coming here!”

She rolls her eyes. “Javi. It’s literally a part of my job, I’m an escort.”

“FOR DRUG DEALERS!” Javier shouts, throwing his hands in the air and stumbling back. “Not for YOU!”

“So what, he’s too good for me to take out? Dirty whore like me belongs in dirty nightclubs and dirty crackhouses?”

“Oh for fucks sake THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT!”

Instinctively, Santi places himself slightly in front of Candy. “Tone it down, Pena.”

His icy glare turns condescending as a short, drunk, sardonic laugh escapes him. “HA! Do you think you’re in love, Santiago? Do you think you’ll be the magical man that can ‘save her’? That’s not how this works! You aren’t supposed to be bringing prostitutes to government functions, you absolute IDIOT! And you’re especially not supposed to bring HER!”

“ENOUGH!” Candy shouts at him, eyes flashing in anger. “You don’t get to tell him what he can and can’t do, Javi! And you certainly do not have possession over me! I am not yours! Just because we fuck does not mean you own me, and you don’t get to decide who I sleep with. Like you said, I am a prostitute, one of SEVERAL you frequent, so I wouldn’t be getting too high and mighty about being careful when everyone knows Helena nearly died working for you! I am not yours!”

Javier scoffs. “Oh, and he is? You think he’s your little lover boy, someone to play pretend that you are having a normal relationship with? He’s a scared child, he’s terrified of intimacy and thinks a finger in the ass will send him to hell!”

“Javier, fucking stop it right now.”

“He can’t protect you! He can’t take care of you!”

“Oh, and you can?”

“YES!”

Javier’s shouted words hung in the air, dripping with anger and venom. Santi simply watches, watches them like a scared child watching his parents fight, wishing it would just fucking stop, but it won’t. Not between them. Javier doesn’t back down and Candy isn’t scared of him.

Then, Candy starts to laugh. It’s short little laughs at first but grows louder. “Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME JAVI!” She laughs once more before shaking her head, tugging a bit at her hair as she walks a short circle. Candy shook her head, suddenly calm. “Thunder only happens when it’s raining, players only love you when they’re playing.”

Javi blinked, his voice now noticeably slurred. “What the actual fuck was that.”

Santi stepped up, sliding an arm around Candy’s waist. If she said what she wanted to say, he wanted to guide her away from Javier before he could be more hurtful to her. “It’s from Fleetwood Mac, Javi. You’d know that if you cared enough about her to look into her interests.”

Candy turned to him then, surprised, her soft eyes looking towards him; the hint of a smile on her face.

Javier, however, looked bewildered. “Her interests?You. Are not. DATING HER!”

“I still care about her!” Santiago defended himself. “Just because I’m not a sad slut who can’t emotionally attach to anyone anymore doesn’t mean I treat her like she’s not a person!”

Javier looked like he was about to speak, then shook his head. “This is fucking insane. This is not a Hollywood movie, there is no happy ending here, FUCK YOU GUYS and FUCK THE GODDAMN PRESINCT”

With that, Javier stormed off, angrily mumbling about one thing or another and his broad form shrunk down the street.

It was then Santi felt her begin to shake. Thinking quick, he took off his sports coat and wrapped it around her. “Hey, hey bebita,¿Estás bien?”

“Si” She shook her head a bit, then turned to him with an irritated look “He just really pisses me off sometimes, you know?”

Santi chuckled. “I know. He’s an asshole, let’s not worry about him, okay?” He wrapped his arms around her, and Candy allowed herself to sink into him. Santiago felt her relax, laying her head on him. He was angry, so fucking angry at Javier for the things he said to Candy, the way he spoke to her, it was hurting with jaw with how much he was clenching it… but it was clear Candy was upset too. His feelings didn’t matter, her’s did. He needed to be her man, be her strength, so he pushed his feelings aside.

Through the doors of the ballroom they could still here the live music playing, and he felt Candy gasp as The Eagle’s hit song, Peaceful Easy Feeling, began.

“I love this song…” She whispered, beginning to sway to the music. The stars were out, shining on her. It felt like they shined for her alone.

‘I like the way your sparkling earrings lay

Against your skin, it's so brown’

“I know.” Santi whispered against her skin. “I asked them to play it.” He sang the next line into her skin.

‘Y quiero dormir contigo en el desierto esta noche

Con mil millones de estrellas alrededor’

Candy took her head off him to look into his eyes. Fuck, she was pretty. So so pretty. He wanted her with him all the time, even though he knew it wasn’t possible. He wasn’t in love. Santi wasn’t sure he was capable of romantic love, honestly. He wasn’t sure he was capable of a love that was safe. But whatever he had with Candy right now it was good.

“You requested this song for me?”

‘'Cause I gotta peaceful easy feeling

And I know you won't let me down

'Cause I'm already standing

On the ground’

“Of course I did… wanted to make sure there was music you liked.” Santiago stroked her hair, careful to not mess it up, just enough to feel her. He began to dance with her in earnest.

“You’re the sweetest man I’ve ever met, you know that?”

“And I found out a long time ago

What a woman can do to your soul

Ah, but she can't take you anyway

You don't already know how to go”

Santiago twirled her, making Candy giggle. 

“You listen to Fleetwood Mac?” She asked him through her laughs.

‘And I gotta peaceful easy feeling

And I know you won't let me down

'Cause I'm already standing

On the ground’

He shrugged. “I didn’t until I saw you had three albums, a Fleetwood Mac poster AND a Stevie Nicks poster.”

“So you… just decided to listen?”

“They're clearly important to you.”

He sings to her once again in Spanish

‘Tengo este presentimiento de que te conozco

Como amante y como amiga’

Candy whispers in his ear. “I enjoy our time together. I hope you know that. I do consider you a lover and a friend, Santiago.”

‘But this voice keeps whispering

In my other ear, tells me

I may never see you again’

Santiago believed her, but the ever-presant anxiety inside him told him this was temperary. Don’t feel safe, don’t feel comfortable. You are expendable. You are only loved as long as you are useful. You are only loved as long as you are perfect and good and right all the time. You can never mess up. If you do, WHEN you do, she’ll walk away just like Javi did. Still, he shakes these thoughts off and tries to focus on her. Focus on Candy. 

‘Porque tengo un sentimiento tranquilo y pacifico

Y se que decepcionarás

Porque ya estoy parado

En el suelo’

As the song ended, Santi dipped a giggling Candy down low, admiring the way the dress flowed over her beautiful body.

“Hey Candy, they aren’t gonna let us back in there, wanna hop some shitty bars?”

“I’d like nothing more, Santiago.”

*

Back at his apartment, Candy and Santi giggled their way into his bedroom. A slightly tipsy Santi flopped down on his bed, sighing out a declaration that this was the best night of his life. When he opens his eyes again, he sees you smiling at him. He thinks that he wants to see you in his home more often.

“You look really pretty in that dress, you know that?” Santi says with a love-sick smile plastered all over his face. 

You can’t help but smile back, unable to hamper the little laugh that lightens your chest. He was a bit more tipsy than you’d thought. 

He pouts a little, being overly dramatic on purpose as he leans up on his elbows, his left leg half hanging off the bed as you stand watching him. 

“Don’t laugh.” He pulls a face that has the opposite effect. 

You don’t give him the chance to retort again and poke his foot with your index finger, while you school your face into a mock disapproving scowl. “Shoes on in bed?” You tut, expecting another pout and tease back from him, a shrug and a chorus of ‘Well it’s my bed, I can do whatever I want.’ 

But instead, his eyes widened a little, a small dusting of light pink blossoming over his brown cheeks and nose and highlighting his faint freckles. “S-sorry.” He mumbles quickly, scrabbling up into a sitting position to undo his laces. He’s pulled off one shoe and dropped it carefully to the floor before you even have a chance to register what he’s doing. 

“Hey, hey,” you sit down next to him, your thigh touching his, and stroke your left hand through his curls. They’re a little stiffer than usual from the product he used for the occasion; it hasn’t stopped more than a few rough strands from breaking free though. 

Santi leans into your touch instantly, instinctively closing his eyes and sighing, a weight lifting from his ribs. You wouldn’t be surprised if he started purring. 

“You okay?” You whisper, continuing to run your fingers softly through his hair. 

He nods and hums an affirmative. 

You’re about to ask again, unable to stop yourself from double-checking his well-being. That seed of affection for Santi that first settled in your heart weeks ago has now grown and rooted into your chest, its vines and leaves twisted around your rib cage, seeking out your love like sunlight. 

Just as the words form on your tongue you notice the not-so-subtle bulge in his trousers and bite back a smile. 

Ah.

Not distress. Not panic. Nothing like that at all. Not right now, anyway.

Santi can’t see your expression with his eyes closed. He’s shifted closer, his temple gently against your shoulder as you stroke his hair. He sighs happily, almost dreamily. 

It’s nice to see him like this, relaxed into your touch. He too often seems anxious, worried, worrying about his military friends, worried about Javi, worried about his family although those details remain vague. He’s mentioned his sisters lives in the US, Atlanta she thought, his tia’s he saw so often here, and every now and then a brief mention of his mom but only in passing. You place a soft kiss on his forehead, leaving a faint lipstick stain on his skin and he presses closer to you, nuzzling into the nape of your neck. 

Languidly you run your free hand up his thigh, just tracing your fingers over his crotch before you squeeze. 

The sharp, low moan that escapes his lips is more than worth it, though the gasped word that tumbles out is a bit of a surprise. 

“Mommy,” 

He freezes instantly, his eyes going wide and teeth audibly snapping shut. In less than a second he’s racking his brain, trying to work out how, why, where did that word come from? What deep, dark recess of his mind forced that word to the surface? Something was wrong with him. Something fundamentally wrong with him, deep down in the recesses of his brain. He was fucked up. He was going to hell.

Maybe you hadn’t heard it. Maybe you wouldn’t notice it. But already Santi knew those hopes were a lost cause. The way your hand had tightened momentarily in his hair the second it slipped past his tongue. He’d had a drink, a few drinks- although they’d mostly worn off throughout the night- that was a good enough excuse right? Oh god. What must you think? What would you-

“You’re my good boy, aren’t you?” Your voice was low and sweet, a caress to his very soul and he shivered in spite of himself, moaning again and squeezing his eyes shut as you stroked his painfully hard cock. 

He nodded his head rapidly, not wanting to disappoint you. He’d be good, he’d be so fucking good for you. His breath hot on your neck as he pressed closer, angling his body completely towards you with a soft whimper. 

You continued stroking him for a moment longer, pressing the heel of your palm firmly against his thick base before you unzipped his fly and flicked open his trouser buttons. You always loved this, loved how needy he got, how desperate for you.

Santi groaned loudly, his lips against your neck, half muffling his words against your skin as he squirmed into your touch. 

“Hmm?” You halted your actions teasingly, waiting for him to repeat himself. 

The small sob and bob of his throat nearly broke your resolve, but he pulled his face away from you a fraction to speak. 

“Mommy, please,” he whispered. 

You couldn’t help yourself, it wasn’t like it was the first man to call you ‘mommy’ in bed, but there was something about sweet, innocent Santi who had blushed his way through your first encounter not that long ago speaking that world that set your blood ablaze. 

“Please what?” You teased. 

He squirmed again, bucking helplessly against your hand. “Please?”

“You’re gonna have to use a few more words than that pretty boy, or I won’t be able to help you.”

Santi let out an anguished sigh, pressing his face into your neck once more.

Quickly, you moved your hand away from his weeping cock and firmly pinched his chin between your fingers, pulling him back ever so slightly so that you could look into his dark brown eyes as you title his face up. 

“If you don’t speak, Mommy won’t be able to help you.” 

Santi audibly moaned, his eyes rolling back for a split second before he shut them tight. His dick twitched uncontrollably. 

“Yes, please, sorry, I’ll be good, I’ll be a good boy.” His words were all rushed together and there was a hazy look to his gaze when he opened his eyes again, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed. 

You petted his hair gently. “I know you will be, Mommy’s got you, sweetheart.”

He whimpered, rubbing his thighs together with every word. 

“Now, tell me what you want.” 

“Can I,” he swallowed again, placing his hand on the zip of your dress, “can I undo this?” 

That wasn’t what you expected him to say, and you raised an eyebrow at him lazily as you smiled and nodded. 

Santi let out a little nervous breath before hastily undoing the dress and carefully slipping it off your shoulders and down to your waist. You weren’t wearing a bra.

He held his breath as he gazed at your chest, his left hand hovering just above your skin as he stared with reverence. As if he hadn’t seen you semi-naked many, many times before. 

You stroked his hair again. “You’re such a good buy, aren’t you? Asking for what you need?” You say softly, just to gently break him out of his trance. You did enjoy teasing him, but never for very long. He always listened, always did as he was told, and you were happy to reward him

He nods quickly, never taking his eyes off your breasts. The tip of his tongue pokes out and wets his bottom lip. 

Ever so slowly he leans forward, placing a light, sweet kiss to your lips, the corner of your mouth, your cheek, before trailing down to your neck and collarbone. His kisses get messier, wetter, more urgent the further down he goes and you don’t expect him to pause, panting against your skin. 

He looks up at you with large eyes that send a shudder of heat through your core. “Can I kiss your breasts… mommy?” He adds the name shyly, looking down momentarily so that his eyelashes flutter against his cheeks. 

You keep stroking his hair as you nod, hooking your fingers around the nape of his neck and guiding him towards your chest. He takes the small movement and runs with it instantly, surging forward and covering your breasts in desperate, wet kisses. Switching back and forth between them constantly as if he simply had to lavish each with the exact same amount of attention. He moans as he lightly bites and sucks, his hands digging into your skin as he holds onto you for dear life. 

You press him closer, urging him on by digging your fingers into his curls and scratching your nails along his scalp. He rewards you with another muffled groan, the vibrations reverberating along your skin and sending a shiver of pleasure down your spine. 

Santi pushes closer, the force nearly knocking you onto your back as he latches onto your left nipple. You brace your right hand on the bed behind you so that you can keep your balance. 

“Such a good boy Santi.” You whisper and he whines, looking up at you once with lazy, lust-blown eyes as he keeps his mouth against you. He sucks demandingly, the sensation almost bordering on too much, but still somehow not enough, and swirls his tongue around your nipple before lapping at it and starting the process all over again. His hips are bucking desperately, but he doesn’t dare ask for attention. He knows you’ll take care of him. You always will.

He sighs, shifting, simultaneously trying to get something and not knowing what he wants at the same time. 

You know what he needs though. 

You coo at him, soothing and sweet as you pull in closer into your arms, cradling his head as you gently ease him into your lap. He moans so loudly, the sound quickly becoming a whine in his throat as you embrace him.

For a few seconds, he seems to relax into you, all the stress of the day and previous weeks and months draining from his soul and bones as he gently sucks. But then he starts to squirm, his thighs shaking and stomach muscles tensing. He pulls his mouth off of you with a pop and low, desperate groan. His eyes shut tight and eyebrows knitted together as he whines and presses his forehead against your skin.

“Gonna cum.” At the very back of his mind he has a sense that he should be embarrassed, embarrassed that he’s this far gone and going to cum practically untouched. But he can’t fight the pleasure as it bubbles up his spine, doesn’t want to. 

“You can cum Santi,” you whisper in his ear. “You’re such a good boy, cum for Mommy.” 

He shakes his head, unsure why, tears at the very corners of his eyes, “please.”

“It’s okay,” you soothe, holding him tight and kissing his temple. “I’m here.” 

He moans loudly, latching back onto your breast and sucking for all he’s worth.

“Mommy’s here.” 

He groans again, pulling away a fraction to get his words out. His voice is breath and high. “Want Mommy to cum.” 

The pleading in his voice spikes at the throbbing arousal in your core. “Santi, it’s okay-”

His whine is muffled against your chest as he reaches down, sliding his hands between your legs to caress your body the way he knows you like. You’d taught him exactly how you want to be touched, exactly how you touch yourself. He was an eager learner.

“Santi,” you manage to breathe out through his messy desperate kisses. 

“Mommy needs to cum now please,” he murmurs, his speech slurred against your tongue, 

Your breath catches, thighs squirming as he strokes you, the movements soft but sure. It only takes an embarrassingly short time before you’re moaning into his mouth and tensing as your release overtakes you in a rush. 

When it’s clear you’ve cum, he tenses, his orgasm following through him and bursting behind his eyes. His cock throbs as he empties himself into his pants. You smile softly at his face as his forehead pinches in bliss, your hand still stroking his hair. 

There’s a pause, a small moment of quiet just before he sighs deeply, feeling weak and boneless. And then he looks up at you with his dark, dark eyes. The softness, the relief, the adoration… the sleepiness. 

“So good, Santiago… you’re so good. My perfect boy…”

Santi sighs against your skin, relishing in the tender moment as you play with his hair. “Was that weird?” He mumbles into your skin.

“Noooo, no not at all. It’s very common, actually.”

He looks up at you through heavy lids and suspicious eyes. “Really?”

“Oooooh yeah.” You chuckle. “More often than you think. I’m not here to judge anyone.”

He doesn’t seem convinced, but he seems to relax. “Okay. Yeah. Okay.”

You opt to not talk about it anymore, at least for the time being. He’s so tired right now, coming hard and untouched, and you decide it’s time to put him to bed. By the time you lay him from your lap to his pillow, he’s half asleep, so you opt with minimal dress. Gentle, you unbutton his shirt and slowly, carefully slide his shirt off. When you take off his trousers and underwear fully, you replace them with sweats. You think he’s asleep, breathing slowly and eyes closed. He looks positively angelic. When your getting ready to zip up your dress again, and make your exit, you hear his voice once more.

“Stay the night?”

You sigh. “Santi, I dunno if that’s a good idea…”

His eyes open slightly, just enough so you can see him. “Please, I’ll pay you whatever you want, I just don’t want tonight to end…”

He looks so vulnerable in this moment… and you don’t want this night to end either. Rules be damned. Santi was different. Santi was better. Santi was good. And you?  You deserved some damn good.

“Don’t pay me, I’ll stay.”

Santiago sits up ever so slightly. “No, no Candy this is your job. I don’t expect free-”

“It’s not free, honey.” You begin to strip down, Santi’s sleepy eyes drifting down your naked body, staring at the knife at your garter. “We’re going to sleep, just like I would at home. And tomorrow, you’ll make me breakfast. Sound like a fair trade?” The truth was, sleeping with Santi, actually sleeping with Santi, sounded wonderful. You didn’t want it to feel like a transaction. 

So, you slip into his clothes. You wear a tee shirt and sweats and climb into his bed where you think he’s actually asleep this time. He snores lightly. He sleeps on his stomach, so you rub his back. He feels nice. 

You want better for him. You want him to have a stable life, a loving wife who wasn’t a whore, kids if he wanted them, his family and friends surrounding him. He should have to live in danger, work a dangerous job. He should be allowed to be happy. It wasn’t a life you could give him, you knew… but you could imagine.

You kiss the scar on his spine.

******************

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for reading!!!!

If you're still hear, please drop a lil HI! It's 12 pm here, inching towards 1 but i promised to put this out so i will!!!

Everyone PLEASE GIVE A ROUND OF APPLOUSE FOR FEN FOR THE SMUT IN THE COMMENTS AND REBLOGS SO I CAN MAKE SURE THEY SEE ALL THE LOVE

I hope everyone is saying as safe as they can be in these temps, my heart goes out to all those struggling but especially those in war zones, poverty, homelessness, or in areas that were previously never this cold and thus unprepared for a harsh winter. I know us northerners joke about how cold we get, but I know its different when your infrastructure isnt equipped to take this on.

So tell me friends

Did Javier have a reason to be mad at Santi?

Or was he overreacting?

TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE ARGUEMENT AND YOUR THOTS ON OUR DEAR SANTI

@runa-falls @lunar-ghoulie @campingwiththecharmings @whatthefishh @persephone-girl @criticalarchitecture @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @beelzebeth87 @pimosworld @millerscoffee @heareball @thatwonderouswoman @poolb @meveispunk @lovable-liar @millllenniawrites @read-and-wip @missdictatorme @the-fox-den @milkymoon2483 @k-ra @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @rosellacwrites @legendary-pink-dot @dreamingofbucky @englandsgray @starsthatwatch @fairlyang @alwaysmicado @theywhowriteandknowthings @casa-boiardi @lostfleurs @ninebluehearts @puglover12 @sub-aro @laiisleiite @itspdameronthings @heareball @comfortlessjoy @csarab615 @calaveramangonda @bit-dodgy-innit @stevngrant @kirsteng42 @mrsjavierp @nanfafnan @lovable-liar @axshadows @cookielovesbook-akie @reallyrallyauthor @solar-fics @criticalarchitecture

[r473n]

New KenMayu just dropped!

Kenchan x Mayuri AU modern world.

Gift for @toxictaicho and @srtruth 💜

Zaraki is a retired army guy finding it very hard to balance his internalised homophobia and the fact he is falling in love with a dude.

Mayuri is a neurosurgeon with no interest and no time to waste on a relationship, certainly not with that idiot man that keeps appearing everywhere he goes!

Fluffy, smutty, self-indulgent mess.

Mayuri's transness plays a pivotal role in this fic - I normally only mention it casually as another adjective that describes him - and there are going to be some uncomfortable conversations around transphobia and homophobia. But this is fiction, so I get to make it all end up happily, yay!

Link to ao3

Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Will he, won't he

Chapter Text

He strode briskly along the sterile, white, hospital corridors. The clacking of his Louboutin oxfords echoing angrily in the quietness that surrounded him.

This better be fucking good, he thought, or they are getting shouted at until morning.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi hated the night shift. He had no problem staying awake - he’d frequently forget to sleep when he was engrossed in an exciting project - but he detested the lack of a rigid schedule and the constant interruptions, most of which were dull consultations that he wouldn’t deign to reply to in normal circumstances - when other, lesser clinicians were available.

He couldn’t really complain -though he frequently did - most of the residents were so utterly terrified of him that they rarely dared call him, unless the situation was dire.

He pushed through the big double doors of ER and was immediately hit with a cacophonous mayhem. People in blue and green scrubs rushing left and right, a patient whining somewhere, another one crying for their mommy - or morphine, he wasn’t too sure - some doctor shouting instructions that were all wrong... he shuddered. This was why he loathed coming to emergency care - there was too much noise and too much stupidity. When he was operating silence reigned, only his voice could be heard, and that was his idea of heaven.

His ears began ringing painfully. No matter how much he modified those damned cochlear implants they always failed him when there were too many sounds. He could feel the migraine approaching.

“Sir, it was me who put on the call.” Said a petite intern with big, puppy eyes. He looked so young Mayuri was tempted to ask him if his parents knew he was out at this hour. “I'm so, so sorry to bother you, sir, but Mr. Lemura already has a bleeding brain tumour.”

“Well, that would certainly explain why he is so bad at his job.” He said, massaging his temples. This was going to be a terrible night.

“Oh... I-I mean-“

“I know what you meant, idiot. Stop your babbling and give me the history.” He extended his hand, the moment the folder touched his fingers he wrenched it from the boy’s grip. “Where is the patient?”

“Oh, yes, sir! Over here!”

He skimmed through the clinical notes as he walked, trying to pay no mind to his surroundings. Nothing much for past illnesses apart from some mild liver issues, bloods showed high levels of alcohol - nothing atypical at this time of night. Reason for admit: blunt trauma to the head, suspected concussion... A drunken brawl? This asinine case was why this imbecil had woken him up?

“Here we are, sir” said the intern, holding open the partition curtains around one of the gurneys so he could walk through. The whole of the ER was compartmentalised, by drapes hanging from ceiling tracks, into small, almost identical sections that were only big enough to house a hospital bed, a table and a chair.

“Log in and find me his MRI” he muttered without looking up from the page.

“Yes, sir. I had it ready, here” placing the laptop he’d been carrying under his arm on the little overbed table, the young medic opened the tab with the results and stood as far away from Mayuri as he could whilst remaining polite.

Kurotsuchi leant closer to the computer screen and studied the 3D images for a few seconds. Ah, this is much better, he thought.

“Congratulations.” He mocked through a growing smile. “you’ve earned yourself some one-on-one time with the best surgeon in this hospital.” He turned to look at the patient and his grin faltered. The guy was in a terrible state. His face was a bloody pulp, his left arm was in a cast and his chest was covered in bandages that couldn’t hope to conceal the large haematomas spreading over his skin - which signalled many a broken rib. He looked like he’d been run over by a train, not punched by some hooligan.

Mayuri quickly flicked through the pages fearing some mistake. “This is the right patient?” he asked, frowning threateningly at the young doctor.

“Y-yes, sir... Is-is there a problem?” the poor boy’s face had quickly lost all colour. He anxiously tried to peek at the chart in Mayuri’s hands from a safe distance.

“Are you trying to tell me that this man’s injuries were caused in a fist fight?” He could feel his rage starting to bubble inside his chest. The stupid curtains did nothing to quieten the unbearable surrounding racket and now he had to deal with some inefficient anamnesis, or worse, a lying patient.

Ignoring the intern’s nervous stammering he turned his attention to the man again.

“I’ll let you in on a secret, Mr. Sato. I haven’t got the slightest interest in your life, your struggles, your health concerns nor what may have caused your lesions... But, unfortunately for the both of us, in order to do my job properly, and avoid any further senseless demotions, I need to know the truth!” He took a deep breath before he continued, trying to reign in his anger and hopefully improve his pounding headache. “Now, how did you get these wounds?”

The man looked at him with a wary expression, his swollen eyes narrowing ever so slightly. “I was beaten up by some guy.” He muttered as clearly as his broken jaw allowed.

“Some guy... one, single individual?” Mayuri prodded, incredulous.

“Yes! – ouch - Why the fuck would I lie ‘bout that?”

Mayuri knitted his brows - he had a point. Why would this pitiful ned lie about being beaten up by one man, if I were going to fib he’d probably excuse his loss behind some overused fabrication such as ‘there were too many to count’.

“I see.” He stroked his chin, still not fully convinced. “Well, regardless, you have a subdural haemorrhage that needs surgical correction. I will be performing the operation tonight. You can thank me later.”

“Wait, didn’t you say you’d been demoted? I don’t want you operating on me!” the man exclaimed anxiously, wincing in pain.

“I’m terribly sorry I gave you the impression that I care... Patients don’t choose their clinicians in this hospital, which is lucky for you, because you clearly make bad decisions for a living.” he sneered, then handing the intern the file he instructed “I want everything signed and him ready in an hour.”

“Yes, sir.”

Mayuri exited the small area with a dramatic flourish that left the curtains billowing behind him. Perhaps all wasn’t lost, the surgery was simple enough for him, but it meant he likely wouldn’t be bothered again for the rest of the night.

“Mr. Kurotsuchi! How good it is to see you down here!”

A cold chill ran down his spine. That sickly sweet voice always made the hairs at the back of his neck stand on end.

“I was on my way out.” He announced, not looking at his interlocutor, hoping that would cut any further conversation at the root.

“Ah, of course, you’re such a busy man.” Dr. Unohana continued in a patronising tone, gazing at him with her infuriatingly calm expression.

Dr Retsu Unohana was the head of ER and one of the longest standing doctors in the hospital, which, despite her young appearance, made her into a mother figure for most newbies. They all flocked around her like ducklings afraid to get drowned by the current. She was an institution. He would never admit it, but Mayuri considered her one of the most brilliant clinicians he’d ever met. She wasn’t on his level, of course, but she was too close for comfort.

“I was wondering if I could borrow your expertise a little longer. It’s not every day that we are blessed with such a prodigious mind around here.” She said, smiling politely. She had a way to make Mayuri feel small and provoked with each vacuous compliment.

“I’m afraid I can’t. I have to prepare for surgery.” He said curtly, examining his fingernails.

“How exciting! Luckily this will only take a minute.” She pierced him with her icy stare until his will crumbled and with a derisive snort, he admitted defeat. She was a stubborn woman, she’d argue until morning, it was probably best to just go with it than try to escape her passive-aggressive coercion.

Still wearing that maddeningly benign smile, she lead the way and he followed.

“I must admit this probably won’t be as exciting as your usual cases, but I need a neurologist to double check that my patient’s cranial reflexes are intact, before I discharge him.” She casually explained as she walked uncharacteristically slowly.

Mayuri hummed in response. She was more than capable of performing a basic neurological exam, she didn’t need him to double check anything. What was she up to?

“Here we are,” she announced merrily, opening the curtains to a slightly larger cubicle. Mayuri’s mouth fell open. Sitting on the edge of the bed was the most bestial looking man he’d ever seen. His size alone was extremely intimidating, even without the blood stains over his hands and shirt. Mayuri noticed he had an old scar that ran down the side of his face and seemed to have damaged his left eye, and wondered what could have caused it. “Mr. Zaraki here has suffered blunt trauma to his skull, from a hard object, I believe it to be a pool cue?”

The man in question assented with a gruff grunt and Mayuri immediately felt a pleasurable thrill run down his spine. Oh, why is my body such a slut, he thought.

“I'm fine. I told you already, woman. No need to go wasting other people’s time!” The man stood up aggressively, his enormous frame casting a large shadow over the two clinicians. Mayuri's heart rate skyrocketed, he couldn’t tell if the sudden rush of adrenaline was due to exhilaration or apprehension, or perhaps a mixture of the two.

He glanced at Unohana out of the corner of his eye, she seemed as tranquil as if she were sitting by the seashore.

“I'm afraid your injuries might be more serious than you hope, Mr. Zaraki, and since you won’t consent to any imaging, we have to take a more traditional approach.” She explained in a sympathetic, mellow tone that felt completely out of place. “You should sit down.”

“I sai-“ the giant tried to argue, but was immediately cut off.

“You should sit down.” The second time she spoke there was no room for interpretation, she might have omitted ‘or else’ but it was certainly implicit. Her voice had turned steely so drastically that the temperature of the room seemed to drop by at least 10 degrees.

Despite her big, round eyes - that spoke of a demure innocence - and her small stature, there was a dark side to Unohana that seeped out like poisonous fumes from time to time. It was a calm, calculated type of assertiveness that was somehow so terrifying it triggered an innate flight response. She never needed to get angry, her aura was threatening enough for anyone to contradict her.

Zaraki must have felt the shift too because without further protest he did as he was told and sat back down, eyeing her cautiously.

There was a long, awkward silence before Mayuri realised that was his cue to move.

Gulping, a bit uneasy, he approached the mountainous man and sat on a chair in front of him. Even hunched over, Zaraki still appeared massive, his shoulders were almost twice as broad as Mayuri’s and his long, black hair fell limply, framing the sides of his face and giving him an even more savage look.

Mayuri forced himself to focus and proceeded to quietly examine him. A few abrasions on his powerful knuckles, a couple of bruises starting to form over his vast, muscular chest, a split on his lower lip... he examined his reflexes and cranial nerves and found no abnormalities. He was about to announce this when he realised...

“You are the perpetrator?” He exclaimed with no small amount of shock in his voice.

“Eh?” Zaraki was staring at him with an vacant expression, his mouth agape.

“Perhaps my assessment is wrong and you do have concussion.” He said testily. He suddenly felt much more comfortable around him now that he’d realised he was stupid. “Are you the man who beat up my patient? Were you in a bar fight? Is that how you got hit on the head?” he questioned, knocking lightly on his own temple.

“What are you? the fucking police?” Zaraki deflected with a hoarse, cutting tone that sent another shiver flying through Mayuri’s body.

“No...” He smirked. “I was merely wondering what kind of wild animal could have caused injuries such as my patient’s. It's nice to satisfy one's curiosity.”

Zaraki gave him a lopsided smile. “Well, he got it coming.”

“How so?” he leaned closer, catching a whiff of the guy’s intoxicating, manly scent.

“Called my friend a faggot.”

“I see...” Mayuri squirmed, reclining back in his chair. With a huge bully like this, chances were he was just a homophobe trying to defend another homophobe from being called a homophobic slur by yet another homophobe. He needed to tread lightly. Not that he was scared, but he’d been assaulted enough times in his life for being queer. It was getting tiresome.

“He seemed not too happy that my friends were kissing, so I went to see what the fuck was his problem.” Zaraki explained offhandedly with a cheeky smile. “He thought it was smart to talk to me like shit and call my friend that... so I rearranged his face with my fists.”

Mayuri felt a little flutter of hope in his chest.

“Your friends were kissing?” he heard himself ask eagerly, not even sure why he was so interested.

“Yeah. I know it wasn’t a gay bar but why the fuck can they not kiss wherever the fuck they want? They ain’t hurting anyone, right?

“Indeed.”

“They've got a right to do it just like normal people”

“Right...” he had been holding his breath all this time, waiting for the inevitable confirmation of his suspicion, and here it was. It would have been too good to be true.

“Shit, I didn't mean that.” Zaraki flinched, looking embarrassed and awkwardly rubbed the back of his neck. “Not that they aren't normal, they are. I meant that they should have the same rights as non lgb...gqp...ib people.”

“I believe you may have forgotten a few letters.” Mayuri quipped sarcastically, which clearly flew over the other man’s head.

“Oh... sorry.” Zaraki looked to the side and frowned, as if trying to remember the right acronym.

“Anyway, as riveting as the tales of your honourable conquest might be, I am a very busy man... If you excuse me.” He stood up, taking his gloves off with a loud snap. “I’ll ready your discharge papers and then you may go, Mr... Zaraki.”

“Oh, yeah? is that- don’t you need to do any more tests?”

The way he was looking at Mayuri was interesting, he seemed almost disappointed... or so Mayuri would have believed if it weren’t because, mere minutes before, he had been extremely keen to leave without even a check up.

“No need. I'm extremely good at my job, I can assure you. You’re fine to go home.”

Giving the man a last appraising glance, he exited the little booth, not missing Unohana’s self-satisfied, tiny smirk.

That was indeed an very odd interaction. Why had she called him to perform such a basic check and why was he feeling so flustered all of a sudden?

His ponderings were interrupted when a very pretty twink, with died eyebrows and a fashionable haircut approached him wearing a worried look.

“Excuse me, my name is Yumichika Ayasegawa. Are you Kenpachi’s doctor? Would you be able to tell me if he’s going to be alright?”

“Are you family?” he looked the man up and down.

“No, we’re friends.”

“I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to divulge such information, then.”

A second man, bald and tall, with brightly coloured eyeshadow came towards them, awkwardly carrying three takeaway coffee cups.

“He doesn’t have any family, we’re his emergency contacts, doesn’t that count?” he asked quite aggressively.

“No.” Mayuri replied, chagrined at his tone. “Patient confidentiality is of paramount importance to me.” He lied, revelling in the man’s increasingly angry scowl. “I'm afraid if you want information you’ll have to follow the official channels, like everyone else.” He turned around and immediately walked away before they could harass him with any more annoying questions.

[grif-hawaiian-rolls]

Funniest team dynamics regarding sexualities (to me):

- Locus is the only one comfortable enough with his own sexuality to know the label for it

- Donut is working on it, but in donut fashion keeps getting distracted by other shit

- Doc and O’Malley can’t agree on anything. O’Malley might just be doing it for spite, but Doc has the stubbornness to hold out until they reach an agreement damn it

- Lopez genuinely cannot be bothered to care

- Grif and Simmons are queerbaiting themselves per canon, and won’t acknowledge it even if you paid them

- Sarge doesnt have time for all that! He’s got a war to win! Against what? He won’t elaborate

The blues are like 20x worse

-Kai keeps changing her mind on if bi or pan fits better, bc she knows the labels best but she hems and haws over which grey layer flag feels more Her, you know? Also- prime source of misinformation on the other labels

-Tucker is a close second to having his maybe figured out. But he won’t actually label it (good for him) and just goes “if its hot, its hot, and if it’s sexy then I’m in. Bow chicka bow wow”

-Wash gave up after one (1) conversation with Kai when he asked her what the difference between bi and pan was and got a 4 hour lecture and still isnt sure (he thought he knew this stuff how is he more confused now?). It’s really not on his priority list.

-Caboose actually knows the alphabet soup uncannily well. He does not, however, think it applies to any of them and is best left for the people in Sarge’s soaps

-Carolina refuses to indulge the conversation, mostly because she’s still working on the introspection required for acknowledging how deep her daddy issues, mommy issues and her abandonment trauma run and she’s only got the emotional bandwidth for one internal search at a time okay

-Sheila probably would have figured her labels out if anyone in BG had actually known enough to explain them to her. Unfortunately, theyre all fucking idiots

- Church(Alpha) assumed he was straight bc Tex. Church (Epsilon) had the “yeah im cool with it but I’m out” realization of he’s maybe bi? But mostly it was Tex so. Uh. Hm. (Spoiler: i hc him as demi, so Texsexual is generally the best descriptor bc he tried to avoid getting that close to anyone else. He failed miserably, but he tried)

-Tex knew her labels. But if you asked for them, she’d punch you. Maybe she’d lie if you bribed her for them, but she wouldn’t actually tell anyone bc a girl’s gotta have some secrets, ya know?

[safetycar-restart]

hiii!! i come to you with a logan and oscar idea, poly or separate, idc. so it’s established that what leads to oscar joining logan and his dom is logan finding him in subspace but alternatively going with the past d/s au, what if logan knew that oscar had this horrible dom and it shattered his heart everytime he thought about it like “i have a good dom, why can’t oscar? oscars good too, why can’t he have good things?”

so this leads to Logan talking to his dom about oscar and his dom saying yes because well all oscar and Logan really want is to be good, at their cores they are good boys. so logan finds oscar and that time and brings him with him back to his dom and at this point they are both sobbing, oscar from his bad drop with his (team assigned) dom and logan because once again he can’t really rationalize in this headspace that oscar can’t have as good a dom as he does. so you end up talking with both of them when they are out of subspace and coming to an agreement that oscar is now your sub. i think that with logan being collared it might cause some issues like internally for oscar, especially when he enters subspace like “am i not good enough to be collared too?” :(. which of course he is and you end up having to have a long conversation with oscar about how you love him just as much as you love logan. and thought number 2 which is far less developed: what do you think logan is like as a little? cause i personally see him as being more laidback, kind of like max but with less trauma. but he still has his moments unlike when he’s not little, little!logan is wayyyyyyyy more hurt by you (his mommy/daddy) talking to other littles. ESPECIALLY ones he feels like are better than him. he’s always afraid you’re going to leave him for a “better” little. feel free to add any of your thoughts (also sorry for any mistakes, english is my third language) -love 🎾anon

Firstly, please know that you guys can always send ideas that don't merge with the 'canon' of our verses! Nothing is set in stone and I love exploring different ideas. Anyway, I love this so much.

I love how pure Logan is about it? He's really just there like 'I good boy, I have good dom. But Oscar good boy? Why no good dom for Oscar? MUST FIX" and that's it. That's far as the plan goes.

He's long since decided that when it comes to anything to do with scening and dynamics, it is your problem. Ever since you collared him, he kinda just tells you his vague thoughts and lets you do the rest cause you're his dom and he trusts you.

So with this, he thought no further than the fact that Oscar deserves a better dom and you are a better dom therefore you must dom Oscar and him together.

Of course you say yes when Logan brought it up to you. Not only because you would do anything to make Logan never look so sad again, but also because you genuinely love Oscar and it breaks your heart to know he's not getting what he needs.

You except Oscar to be upset when he comes to you, but you don't Logan to also be in a breakdown. Logan is just crying and hugging Oscar, mumbling that it isnt fair! Oscar should be with you and him, not some terrible mclaren dom!

Of course hearing this makes Oscar cry even more, because he wants what you and Logan have so bad.

You don't actually scene with them properly, because you havent been able to talk to Oscar about his limits yet and because they're both far too upset. Maybe you let them kneel for you? They get to kneel right next to each other, their legs pressed against each other and they can even hold hands. Within ten minutes they've formed a cuddle pile at your feet and honestly it's just the cutest?

You've got two good boys cuddling at your feet, looking up at you for praise and reassurance.

Oscar spends the night, cuddles between you and Logan and has the best sleep he's had in a long time. You discuss everything in the morning and all of three you realise that Oscar needs to also be your sub.

So that's what happens.

But yeah Oscar definitely has a problem with Logan having a collar, and it's actually so difficult for him to workout what his problem even is? Because he's not upset that Logan is collared, he's happy! He loves watching you and Logan together, and his heart would break if you took Logan's collar away.

But at the same time, his heart just aches sometimes? Cause he... he wants a collar too. He wants to really feel like he belongs to you.

And I think Logan feels really guilty about that? He can see that it's upsetting Oscar and he doesn't know what to do. Oscar just joined, so he knows it's too early for Oscar to be collared, but he also knows that there's no way in hell he's going to take his collar off around Oscar. He hasn't been without a collar for over three years and he's not about to start now, it would break him.

Maybe you get Oscar a play collar? A collar that he only wears during scenes and that he can request to wear around the house too. He can't put his own play collar on, it has to be you that does it and if you aren't there, then it can be Logan but you must order Logan to do it.

Oscar ADORES his play collar, and pretty soon he's always wearing it around the house.

Within two months he's gotten his own day collar, because once he knows what it's like to wear your collar, he doesn't ever want to stop.

Maybe Oscar and Logan get each other bracelets? So it's like they've kinda collared each other too.

LITTLE!LOGAN:

I'm not gonna spend too much time on this because of how long the d/s au idea was, but I do want to say this: I love the idea that he's jealous?

He's actually a pretty independent little, happy to watch cartoons and drink from his sippy cup while you work or chat to another caregiver but the moment you even look at another little, he's pouting and whining and fussing. HE'S your baby boy, no one else!

(Except... except he doesn't mind when you look after Oscar.)

[seventfics]

Happy birthday! Hope your day goes wonderfully ❤️ For your consideration: Dracula/Vampire AU, or perhaps one where Mal and Alina meet Aleksander before the whole Sun Summoner reveal (i.e. while still First Army soldiers)

Thank you. 💖

My consideration wishes for both scenarios written out now. I will always love a good vampire/Dracula AU, but an "Aleksander meets Alina/Mal before the Sun Summoning reveal"? Always better. Always funnier.

imagine you're the literal Darkling, General of the Second Army, 500+ year old emo, mommy issues sufferer, and you have a fling with 2 rabid raccoon shucks from the First Army. the humiliation. the bi panic. and then you have a Whole internal growth episode about how it's alright to love ordinary mortal people. get some therapy, adjust to your mommy issues, have some loving fun.

and then you find out the 2 people you're sleeping with are 1. the mythical sun summoner here to tear down the fold and 2. a human amplifier with incredible amplifier tracking abilities. the VINDICATION he would feel. "I knew momma didn't raise no cattle farmer lover. of Course the people i fell in love with are Exceptional and Amazing. My Taste in people is just superior, as always."

anyway, mal and alina form a united polycule front against his greedy little desires REALLY quick after that, lol

[mermaidsirennikita]

So there's this scene where Ilya is getting snarky with another player (not Shane) who calls him the f-slur, and he shrugs and is inwardly like "half-true; maybe 30% true" with like... very little inner turmoil. And I think it's interesting (and probably smart) that Rachel Reid made Ilya, who is Russian and has an emotionally abusive father, the one who only really stays closeted for practical reasons--he doesn't seem to have much inner conflict about being bi, and he's very aware that he can't be publicly, ESPECIALLY in Russia. But he's not like, nearly as conflicted about it as Shane is about being gay. At some point in the book he's just like "I'm bisexual", and when it's safe to do so will readily tell people... whereas Shane, who is Canadian (seen as a liberal country, though we know it's much more complicated than that) with loving parents who accept him, has a TON of internalized homophobia and struggle with his sexuality.

But ALSO... I must say that in many m/m books, especially those written by women, I've noticed a trend in which the bisexual hero (or heroes) is very... I don't know. Borderline misogynistic? Like, women are *fine*, but they don't *get him* the way the other guy does. He'll fuck them, but they're basically cum receptacles, referred to largely in relation to their body parts, and it like--definitely goes beyond the hero reading as bisexual and homoromantic. It's the author doing this (often internalized) misogyny dance where the guy's bisexuality basically exists as a plot device, or as a way of showing the reader (often presumed to be a woman, because let's be real, a lot of m/m romance readers are indeed women, speaking as a woman liveblogging her re-read of an m/m book lol) that the bi hero's connection with this guy is SOOOOO much more special than his connection with women, and really, he could get any woman he wants anyway, his love interest Is Different. Often, the bisexuality exists as a form of discovery--he never knew he was gay until he met This Guy. It's honestly, often less bisexuality than it is If It's You It's Okay.

Ilya, in contrast:

A) is the one who knows he isn't straight at the beginning of the book and has prior experience with guys, and continues to fuck guys after meeting Shane, as well as women (I think at one point he makes an offhand comment about fucking like... countless female hockey fans, and he probably isn't joking)

B) is so comfortable with being bi that even after he enters into a totally committed relationship with a man, will correct people who assume he's gay (Shane's dad) and clarify that his attraction to women is 100% real and valid... while also correcting people like Hayden, who think he's straight and somehow manipulating Shane or whatever.

C) has serious connections with women in many ways throughout both books--he's profoundly affected by the loss of his mother and identifies with her as he comes to terms with his own mental illness; he has a girlfriend that he actually thinks about marrying for convenience and because they get along and have good sex anyway, and he comes out to her in The Long Game well after they've broken up, happy to have a new friend; his therapist is a woman, and that's clearly keying into some mommy issues but also, his clear ability to open up with women more easily than men, to an extent; and speaking of mommy issues, his desire to connect with Yuna, Shane's mom, and basically get adopted by her, lol. Ilya clearly doesn't just love fucking women (when he wasn't committed to Shane) he also loves women as... people?

D) doesn't try to hide his attraction to women after he and Shane commit--he'd never cheat, Shane is IT for him, but like I said, he is very clear and vocal about being bi... and also makes it clear (in a "haha but seriously" way) that if Shane was AT ALL down for a threesome with Rose, he would be happy 2 do that shit.

Anyway, my point is, I really like the way Ilya's bisexuality is handled in this book. I think there are facets of Shane's sexuality that could have perhaps been explored further (and I'm not sure if Rachel Reid is white, so I don't want to assume that she could not? Have dipped into the potential conflict Shane could've felt as a mixed race closeted guy expected to be hypermasculine?) but overall, I think it is well done, especially compared to... some m/m books I've read. But Ilya's is surprisingly well done, considering his status as a bisexual hero in a m/m book.

I think it’s time to do a full reread of Heated Rivalry… for self care.

Truly, one of the best “fuck first feelings later” books I’ve read.

[kelsosefuealaguerra]

so, i have thoughts about how the writers have been addressing whatevers going on with roman + sex, and the hints theyve dropped during the whole show. (TW for sexual abuse / harassment, incest mention?)

lets look at succession as a whole so far regarding romans sexuality. The things we know are: 1) He only got into relationships with women he thought his dad would date. 2) Based on his conversation with Tabitha when they were trying to have sex, he seems to only be able to get off if he can pretend theres something "wrong" about it. 3) At this point, i think we can say his bisexuality is canon, based on his little thing with his personal trainer. Which is intriguing because if he really jerked roman off after sessions, that sounds like, the most intimate hes ever been with someone during the course of the show? And the fact that its a guy maybe enhances the Wrong aspect that he likes- i mean, remember gerris dirty talk in season 2: "what would your family think? theyd be ashamed of you. and rightly so". id say maybe dudes are easier for him because of the inherent feeling of "wrongness" his internal homophobia brings out.

And yeah, the whole thing with gerri has an air of wrongness too, because of the whole ~humiliation sex talk roleplay she did obviously, and because he knew his dad would be against it. which probably makes roman be even more into her- besides the fact that shes smoking hot, of course, but tabs is also hot as fuck and he still couldnt get into her (Ha), so we know hotness alone doesnt do the trick for him.

Then theres the incest/sexual abuse jokes, which... theres a lot to unpack there. the whole bit about him getting assaulted by connor as a child. "im touched" / "me too". what he said to rhea in dundee ("look at you, fitting right in, like a camp counselor in my butt when I was 12"??? terrible). Roman clearly doesnt know why he cant have sex, and theres the theory going around that its related to some kind of trauma like that in his past. (Last ep when shiv got mad at him for the gross sexy secretary joke and asked what was wrong with him, he said 'i dont know. were working on it, its an ongoing process', and we also know hes doing therapy 'my guy's surprised i got through at all'). so if it is sexual abuse, he probably buried it so deep inside his mind he cant actually remember, and it comes out occasionally with disturbing humor.

then theres that one time in 2x09 when he asked logan if he had someone to talk to and logan said smt like, "you want me to talk to a shrink? you know, you may want to screw your mother, but I am okay in that department, thank you". that scene is really important because like, correct me if im wrong, but i think that was one of the first times someone in his family talked openly about his issues. And it was just to make fun of them, and of roman for needing & going to therapy. Roman was really upset about it, kinda seemed like he thought there was a line in the things they taunted each other about and logan really went there anyway.

...which leads us to S3. Weve seen the family press the matter about roman and sex this season in ways that they never really did before, which was maybe one of the things that triggered the boiling point of his dysfunction: him being so careless about it he goes against gerris boundaries, possibly ruining the most healthy relationship he has right now with a person he clearly has feelings for. and in turn, becomes his fall from grace.

Ep 1, logan getting mad at roman for worrying about him and asking him if he wants to suck his dick. romans clearly not okay with it, even though a couple of scenes later he mimicks a blowjob when gerri was talking on the phone about the president respecting logan. thats basically how it worked this season: he got upset when sex shit was brought up, then he shrugged it off with innapropiate jokes. Cause we have Ep 2, where shiv tells him "you cant hide under the covers with mommy", and "someday youre actually going to have to fuck something". which bothered roman so much he had to leave the room. to my knowledge, thats the first time his siblings mentioned his issues with sex so directly. "that was low." "its not my fault he has a sex thing, that was an overreaction. was i too harsh?" "are you kidding? he loves it. hell be jerking off wearing my ex wifes panties." it was shocking to learn they know about it because, how?? rumours going around? tabitha explicitly outing roman as her eunuch bestie??? idk, but it surprised roman too and that was the moment where that boundary of his sex life being a secret from his family was completely broken, imo. for the audience and also, for himself, probably.

then there was the football team finger-bang joke, logan calling him the F slur, shivs comment about him wanting to blow logan and fuck his mom, asking about his intimacy with tabitha, kendall telling him he could take the giant replica of carolines vagina home with him SKDHSKD The curious thing though is that he went from being upset and storming out, to learning how to own the jokes and even going along with them until they got to be Too much. like. To me, the worst one so far was definitely this interaction:

and then he mimicked blowing logan... christ bro. like, how did we go from his normal response to logans innapropriate comment to him in episode one to THAT. its like season 3 was a journey of roman being desensitized about his issues because theyre joked about in every episode and not really a secret anymore, and hes kind of been going off the rails because of it. He cant tell where the lines are, doesnt undestand when hes going too far. That, coupled with his dad almost dying in episode 4, was probably what caused his undoing this season. Going hardcore with everything logan wants, allowing himself to be manipulated into severing his connection with kendall and shiv because of him. its insane bro. hes definitely losing his sense of reality a little bit ("youre not real. youre not a real person" / "no real person involved" cross my mind every now and then).

i dont know, i just thought it was important, how it all came down to last episode, where logan, shiv and gerri finally confronted him in all seriousness about his problem (though logan did it for the wrong reasons, as he usually does). Which is huge, because there were no jokes this time from shiv and logans part. and gerri had talked about him "being a sick fuck" and "having a revolting problem in his head" as dirty talk before, but there wasnt anything ~sexy about the way she called him out in italy. in all three cases, roman couldnt hide behind his usual humor or flirting, so all thats left is to come to terms with it. Even though he still has a hard time figuring out what his problem is, so... will he get better or worse? im not sure- i just think losing gerri could be his breaking point.

its really interesting to me that the writers took it there, and i wanna see where theyre gonna go with it. if its ever gonna get properly addressed, or if theyll never really explain what happened to him. knowing this show, anything could happen, tbh.

[bella-donna418]

Cottagecore Family Life

A/N: I really wanted to do this headcanon lol

I'll continue living in this life of delusion don't @ me

~~~

Best place for this will be Switzerland like cottagecore let's go! (also bcs of this LOL LIKE THE BIO IS LITERALLY JUST 😂😂😂)

The nature around them is just filled with pretty flowers and butterflies could be seen especially in mornings and birds love singing at their place

Eren and Mikasa just looking after their child, especially Mikasa.

Also they'd probably have 2-5 children and they'll be so pretty and cute 🥺🥺🥺

Their children's energy are basically Eren and Mikasa's staminas combined (ultimate energy here)

Eren would be chasing the ones running and oh boy.

An unattended child has found an axe—

Mikasa walks right on the spot and sees their child about to get a hold of it so she immediately runs to them (luckily the baby is asleep inside the room she came from)

She'll scold the child in a gentle but stern manner be like, "No touching your dad's tools, understand?"

The child would just nod while looking down.

Eren joins in the scene with their other little one and oop—

His eyes almost popped out of their sockets as he saw what's going on (especially that they're near the axe)

Mikasa looks at Eren—sighing and said, "You should keep your tools somewhere where they can't see or touch them."

He'd nod slowly, "Right. I forgot about the axe here..."

He then puts down their little one and it immediately runs and hugs Mikasa's waist.

During bedtime, they love watching their parents dance to a music box (given by Annie as a gift for Mikasa when she heard the news she was pregnant)

Sometimes they'd sing a lullaby in duet and their children would slowly fall asleep (JUST IMAGINE THEM SINGING REMEMBER ME FROM THAT COCO DISNEY MOVIE OK?)

But sometimes Mikasa's on her own making the children fall asleep (when she forced Eren to take a rest lol)

Like imagine her singing the chorus part of "safe and sound" by Taylor Swift 🥺🥺🥺

Everytime they get nightmares they'd run to their parents' room and Mikasa will be the one to get up and open the door.

She'd be like, "Why up so late in the night—wait, why are you crying?"

Then the child explains and Mikasa just picks the smol child up and goes to the couch in the room with books at the table beside it.

She'd then read her a funny story and then the kid/s would just laugh.

Eren's a "deep" sleeper sooo....

Mikasa then sings the lullaby she'd sing when she's on her own to make the children sleep.

The child falls asleep and Mikasa acknowledges this and carries them back to the kids' room and settles them in their bed.

Mikasa would finally go back to bed—thinking Eren's still asleep.

But then Eren's like, "You're voice sounds like an angel's."

She'd find herself smacking a pillow at him and he just chuckles.

Mikasa would now lay down and Eren turns around from his position and cuddles her.

~~~

Their children are always curious.

They'd go outside and play, pick some flowers and make flower crowns, or read some books (most were sent by Armin), run around to catch butterflies, and more.

As they grew up, the girls would always be with Mikasa if they want, and the boys would stick with Eren (it actually depends on whether they're a daddy's or mommy's girl/boy)

Overall, their children would learn how to cook, do embroidery, chop wood, doing custom house decorations, and more.

During birthdays, they'd be visited by their uncles and aunts along with their little ones—if they have (you know who they are 😂😂😂)

The children would receive so many gifts—heck, they'd all be spoiled by them especially by Zeke (best uncle award)

They'd also play with the others' children (like they'd always play tag outside while the parents are indoors having a chat 🥺👉👈)

Their teenage years were quite more chaotic than their childhood (curse of puberty)

At random times, they'd argue to each other and Mikasa will just look at Eren and be like, "You're turn to break it up."

Eren would just sigh and try to break the bicker up and Mikasa would just stand by the door and watch.

He'll approach them and be like, "What are you fighting about?"

The bickering two would look at him and start pointing at each other and start shouting then glaring at each other—debating again.

Poor Eren gotta deal with this and Mikasa couldn't help but snicker at her spot.

Personality-wise they got the temperamental attitude from Eren while the calm demeanor from Mikasa.

Eren would look at the door and see Mikasa standing and giving her an 'um, help?' look.

Mikasa deciding to be mean, smirks and leaves to go to the kitchen and cook.

Eren felt "betrayed" because of her actions (your guy gotta deal with 2 hot headed teens in a phase arguing for some reason)

But Eren managed to calm them down.

They're all calm and collected, the 2 are no longer screaming and Eren began asking questions.

Mikasa decides to take a peek inside to see what's going on now

Eren would be like, "Ok, what's the real matter why your fighting? Don't yell, I'm asking you calmly."

They'd then start talking about who's wrong and all, and giving a few more minutes, they finally got along.

Eren internally was like, 'Fucking finally.'

Mikasa, seeing this, can't help but smile so she finally decided to come inside then looked at their teens and was like, "Glad you got along."

Eren just looked at her—not even bothering to ask why later since she looks happy about it.

Ooooh of course, their reactions when Eren starts snaking his arms around Mikasa's waist and just resting his head on her shoulder in front of the kids.

When they were young, they were just giggling.

But now, oh god it's so funny (not really lol)

They're literally like "👁👄👁 uhm you're gonna flirt in front of us?"

The two would just look at each other and laugh knowing how much they've grown.

In times of comforting children when it comes to love issues.

Best love expert award goes to...

Lol sorry it's Zeke.

Sometimes Zeke visits and if he sees one of them looking sad or something, assuming it's about love and all, he'd go up to them and be like, "You know, there's a quote that says; there's many more fish in the sea."

The teen would look at him surprised he knew and be like, "Yeah..."

And then there goes all things about love to Zeke.

If uncle Zeke ain't around, Mikasa would be the one dealing the problem.

You wonder for Eren? Pfft- he'd always be like, "Uhh... Ask your mom I guess..." (Please don't laugh at Eren 😂😂😂)

But in terms of practical things, Eren's the best at it.

They also taught their children self-defense so when they need it, they can use it.

In terms of their girls entering a relationship with a guy...

Overprotective dad mode on for Eren and be like, "Who's the guy? I need to talk to him."

Mikasa would just smile and instead, congratulate them and give advices.

Since Eren told their girl to bring her "boyfriend" he'd have an intimidating aura and the guy is just scared shitless (poor dude)

But in the end, Eren would just sigh and be like, "Just... don't hurt her, ok?"

To be honest, Mikasa is the one more relieved than their girl 😂😂😂

But living a peaceful life, they watched their kids grow into who they are and damn they're the prettiest beings ever (their genes are just ✨✨✨)

And when they get old, their children would always make time to visit them and at least take care of them.

Especially when it's their birthdays, they'd ALL come back at the home where they were raised with love and care 😭😭😭

It's the fact their children just cares for them even if they had their own lives/families.

To make me even cry more, Eren and Mikasa would be playing with their grandkids while their grown up child is just making some meal for all of them. (Old and gray EM with their grandkids, anyone?)

~~~

A/N: FINALLY!!!

Ok ngl this looks like the most decent headcanon I've ever made 😭😭😭

And fun fact: I cried while making this

AND I STILL AM 😭😭😭

[theywontletmebeprincipal]

can you give me drowsy headcanons, ramble, or anything please, i am so deprived. do not be afraid to make it super long, the more the better, i just love drowsy chaperone and love to hear other people (plus you’re one of the only people i’ve seen who knows a lot abt it)

ASK AND YE SHALL RECIEVE

I’ll divide this into a few different parts, going from least to most excruciatingly sad :)

1. general headcanons

2. in canon things i noticed and think about daily

3. a full analysis of man in chair’s connections with the drowsy chaperone as an in universe show (trigger warning for abuse ment, alcoholism ment, suicide ment)

SECTION ONE: HEADCANONS

- okay the chaperone is trans I don’t make the rules

- also her name is ambrosia :) she forsook her last name :)

- she’s about 12 years older than janet and kinda hung with janet’s family after leaving her own for a while . essentially she’s a big sister to janet

- aldolpho has some lines where he asks if the bride is big and/or burly and while in canon this is supposed to show he’s kind of a womanizer I like to believe it’s because he was fully prepared to fight her if needed

- speaking of which Of Course janet is ripped she does gymnastics

- my batshit crazy headcanon for this show is that dee dee allen from the prom is a descendant of roman bartelli no I will not elaborate

- is aldolpho one of those bitches with pets that definitely shouldn’t be legal? yessir

- post show kitty becomes a star okay I just want her to be happy

- the “pastry chefs” do discover a love of baking post show and now run a shop along with performing in feldzeig’s follies which might maybe be a front for some crime too

- TRIX DROWSY AND ALDOLPHO WORLD TRAVELING POLYCULE CAUSING PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE

- underling’s name is james I will not elaborate on this either

- show never says what trix does so I’ve decided she’s an explorer. she charts maps and punches colonialists and drags her stupid friends along with her, the only bitch in the show with a braincell

- drowsy was a former vaudeville child star pre transition - she left the business but was a mentor to janet

- I do have a headcanon for mic’s name but in the spirit of every actor who’s ever played him I won’t fucking tell

SECTION TWO: SHIT I NOTICED

- robert refers to himself by full name a lot of the time which is v interesting given he’s named after the writer, bob martin (whose wife is also named janet van de graaf). the real bob martin is like five feet away at all times playing mic

- idk how to describe it but the dynamic kitty and feldzeig (VICTOR felgzeig. we have a name from one (1) line) have when talking to each other is so snappy and funny and good

- aldolpho’s lines in spanish are mostly romantic bullshit but his first one hints that he has/had a wife who, if we’re taking the translation literally, refused to touch him. yeah I’ll bring this up in analysis

- the “pastry chefs” provide liquor for the wedding even though it has absolutely no relevance to their mission of stopping it :)

- drowsy is like. SUPER endearing towards janet and despite her bad social skills it’s super clear she cares a lot about her

- robert speaks fluent french apparently

- everyone says “ew” after aldolpho reveals his affair with drowsy despite her being a certified milf

- the body language of drowsy in the end of the show where she takes mic’s hands and breaks the barrier between reality and fiction is just so good. she was iconic the whole show but I honestly think this final bit is what won beth leavel the Tony in the end

SECTION THREE: OH NO

before diving into the way the drowsy chaperone affects his character, we need to understand what exactly it’s playing off of. to fully understand mic’s attachment to the drowsy chaperone, we need to outline what led him to isolating himself and living in fiction to the extent that he does.

mic’s father left his family at an early age and his semi estranged alcoholic mother was the one who began his love for theatre. mic grew up in a broken household and eventually moved on to land in a one sided marriage, which lasted a few months until he slipped up and expressed his discomfort with the situation, after which he and his wife split. nowadays, he lives alone in his apartment surrounded by records he uses to escape to a better life - his favorite of which being the one his mother gave him, the drowsy chaperone.

symbolism in the drowsy chaperone regarding mic’s life can be split into two main categories - mommy issues and internalized homophobia. there isn’t nearly as much mom symbolism as there is the latter, so I’ll cover that first.

drowsy covers both bases, but she definitely has some undeniable mom symbolism going on. drowsy marries aldolpho and mom dreams of being swept off her feet by a latin lover, both feel they’ve wasted their chances at love, both drink to forget, etc. this is where the idea of the drowsy chaperone being mic’s ideal way for things to work out, a positive parallel, comes into play. given that we don’t hear too much about mic’s mom other than her connections to major life events and the record itself, we can assume they grew apart in one way or another. the key difference is that drowsy finds a happy relationship for herself and retains her bond with janet, unlike what we’re led to assume mom was like.

further elaborating on the drowsy chaperone representing mic’s ideal fantasy version of events is the wedding the drowsy chaperone’s plot centers around. here’s a list of the things that didn’t stop that damn wedding:

- a minister not showing up

- the groom cheating on the bride with the bride

- the bride having a complete mental breakdown

- indirect mafia interference

- direct mafia interference

on the flip side, what little mic says about his wedding indicates it sucked absolute ass. he spent the entire ceremony in internal distress as he went through with a life changing event he, at that point, knew at least a bit that he didn’t want. I think he also implies he had severe diarrhea on the wedding day? it gets worse when you realize mic’s relationship before the wedding wasn’t any good for him either - he was playing along the whole time because it would be cruel not to, right?

throughout the show, mic is pretty clearly shown as an extremely repressed gay man. there are five specific instances that point at romantic and/or sexual attraction to men directly and another moment outside of his commentary that pretty much confirms it if you look a little bit deeper. thus, here is what I propose - to mic, the drowsy chaperone’s wedding plot represents a world where he was able to ignore that part of himself and have a happy marriage with his wife despite all the overwhelming obstacles thrown at him. however, bits and pieces of that internalized homophobia manage to show themselves throughout the drowsy chaperone anyway despite its happy ending. here’s a rundown on a few significant instances:

- by the end of the show, the “pastry chefs”, who had literally been planning to kill feldzeig, have left their life of crime to perform with him. this symbolizes how in mic’s ideal world he would have been able to turn away from what he perceived at the time as living wrongly - his homosexuality

- at the same time, the “pastry chefs” have this line, spoken in regards to janet: “if she gets married and leaves the show... there ain’t no show.” this is a take on mic’s subconscious concern that he might lose himself if he goes on with his marriage pretending everything is alright - of course, as we already know, he doesn’t listen

- “cold feets” is a pretty obvious instance of mic’s hesitation

- aldolpho’s line in spanish regarding the wife who won’t touch him flips to reflect on mic’s treatment of his own ex wife - she was alien to him as a lover, just as aldolpho was to this woman

- janet recalls her meeting robert at a point in the show and states “we spooned, briefly, then he proposed.” though mic’s relationship pre marriage was much longer than that, it must have felt that way to him - just as quick and nonsensical as janet describes

- just as janet is caught in showbiz but has a toxic love for it, so does mic with his own repressed life

- janet has a line in “show off” that alludes to her experiencing harassment/assault: “I don’t wanna be cheered no more/ praised no more/ grabbed no more/ touched no more/ loved no more” , which I believe represents the way mic perceived his intimacy with his wife - labeled as love yet unenjoyable for him

- “I look into his eyes... I get all woozy. and that’s... love, isn’t it?” is another very clear nod to mic’s misconception of love based off the only thing he’s ever experienced, relationships with women he’s had to fake

- this is the part where I tell you the lyrics to toledo surprise are a metaphor for actively suppressing gay thoughts. I’ll just leave you with “if it tries to rise; don’t let it”. these lyrics are not comprehensive enough to make a dish - trust me, I have tried. it’s also notable that they serve a double entendre as instructions on how to beat the shit out of someone, but several lyrics are also directed towards the singer/audience. for example: “it’s a snap/ try it folks/ whip your whites/ split your yolks” is an easy metaphor for the unhealthy mental gymnastics required to repress oneself so wholeheartedly

it’s also worth noting the obvious just for the sake of it - mic copes with all this by isolating himself in a safe spot where he can use musicals to escape and live his ideal fantasy, even if it’s only for a short time. there are plenty of nods to this throughout the drowsy chaperone as well. in “as we stumble along” drowsy notes that “the best that we can do is hope a bluebird/ will sing a song/ as we stumble along” - to mic, musicals are his bluebird. while mic mostly indulges in these fantasies, he knows to a certain extent the sheer amount of time he’s spending in them is unhealthy. the first line of the show is “I hate theatre” and I think that to an extent? he does. obviously mic loves theatre as a concept, that can’t be denied. what he hates is the way he’s allowed it to confine him.

with all that out of the way, let’s move on to the most important moment of the show. if you’ve ever seen the show, you’ll know exactly which scene I’m talking about immediately. I’m referring to, of course, the infamous “l-ve while you can” scene. as janet stands at the alter she asks drowsy for one final word of advice, which is partially obscured by aldolpho dropping his cane. “l-ve while you can.” it’s a simple moment, but mic reveals to us that he’s been agonizing over it for years - did drowsy say “live” or “leave”? it occurs to everyone eventually, whether a couple days after the show like with me, or years after like with bob martin’s replacement on broadway that the most likely answer is that she had said “love while you can”. it’s this moment, when you realize why mic had never seen that as an option, that the drowsy chaperone’s status as a musical within a comedy within a tragedy is solidified. mic had no love in his life - his parents hated each other and he was forcing himself into relationships in which he felt nothing. to him, living and leaving were options, but loving never was. so he locked himself away.

as the final note on the record is playing, all power in mic’s apartment shuts down and the fantasy is ruined. the superintendent arrives and further invades his space, breaking the private sanctity he had built up for so long. she fixes the power and before mic can stop it from happening, the final note of the record plays. and the super recognizes it as a musical. she makes a remark about how much her wife loves musicals and leaves, completely unaware of what she’s just done.

mic sits in silence for a while. and then he begins to sing. gradually, the cast members begin to echo their songs, dancing around him but never touching him. then drowsy appears and sings harmony to mic. and she takes his hands. the show ends with the entire cast, including mic, taking off on trix’s airplane as the curtain falls, drowsy handing mic his record as the plane takes off.

some people interpret the ending as mic committing suicide, finally deciding between live and leave. I don’t personally believe that and neither does writer and original mic bob martin, but it’s still a valid interpretation. the drowsy chaperone’s ending is ambiguous, yes, but not to that extent. no matter what you believe the ending means, it was brought on not by the interruption of the fantasy, but by whatever realization the super’s remark about her wife triggered. as I see it, there are two main options here.

option one - mic realizes he still has time to live and to love. when he was younger the prospect of living as himself was unthinkable to him, yet now he sees that while he was spending countless years alone the world grew. drowsy offers mic her hand, an invitation to finally become what he had admired in her - someone who isn’t anywhere near perfect, but is damn well trying and living life without regret. he accepts.

option two - mic realizes that while he spent years alone the world moved on without him and he’s isolated himself so much from social interaction that he’d no longer be able to make a meaningful connection with anyone outside. so he stays inside instead, never trying, always trapped between live and leave. drowsy offers mic her hand - at least he’ll have a tune to carry with him.

I really want to believe we got option one. I think option one is the intended, really, given mic ends the show with a joyful goodbye to the audience. but the way that the ending is still left open for interpretation makes it so that we can never really know - we as the audience only get to be privy to a small part of mic’s life, and we don’t get the answers we want because at the end of the day they’re irrelevant to us - all we can do is make our own choice.

[onceuponaloonatic]

inspired by a conversation with @anonymousonce93 !!

tw: vomit, food sensitivity issues 

“Hey Nayeon Unnie, come in.” Tzuyu gave Nayeon a polite smile as she let her in. Nayeon came in at her invitation, taking her shoes off and giving Tzuyu a hug. It was then she noticed the shopping bag Nayeon was holding. “Another present?”

“It’s just a small one.” Nayeon laughed. 

“She’s going to be spoiled. Everytime you come over you bring her a present.” Tzuyu couldn’t fight the amused smile on her face. 

“I’m trying to be the favorite Auntie.” Nayeon pouted. “I know.” Tzuyu nodded. “But you seriously don’t have to try so hard, she’s three pleasing her really isn’t too difficult. What is it?” 

“It’s a stuffed giraffe.” Nayeon handed Tzuyu the bag, letting the younger woman inspect the stuffed animal. “This is small?” Tzuyu sighed at the size of the animal.

“Relatively.” Nayeon nodded. “Anyway I love you but isn’t your flight leaving soon?” “Right right. Mina wanted me to go over everything with you because despite the fact you have watched Nico before she still doesn’t trust you.” Tzuyu sighed. “I would expect no less from Myoui Mina.” Nayeon giggled. “Hit me with it.” “She is still asleep right now, I was going to wake her up before I left though. Jihyo will be coming over with Hina around five. She had a stomach ache earlier so Mina made her some sundubu jjgae to eat for dinner, you just need to heat it up. Mina thought it would be easier just to make her something light in case her stomach still hurt, but if she’s hungry after that you know what she likes.” “Wait sundubu jjage? I thought Nico hated tofu.” Nayeon interrupted. “It’s on her long list of foods she won’t eat.” Nayeon was right about that. Nico was an extremely picky eater, and over time her parents and Aunts had developed a pretty elaborate list of foods Nico just didn’t like. 

“She’s been branching out with a lot of food lately. These past few weeks she’s pretty much eaten everything we have been. I’m not sure where it’s coming from but it’s honestly so nice. Cooking for her was difficult.” Tzuyu sighed. “ Mina thought it would help for her to just have some stew instead of a normal meal.”

“I suppose that makes sense. Keep going.” Nayeon nodded.

“Mina is working late, but that usually means she’ll be home around ten thirty. Nico’s bedtime is still eight thirty. Sana wants to call her before bed to say goodnight, so expect her to call you around eight. I’ll probably text you when I land to check in and say goodnight to Nico. Jihyo already said Hina can’t spend the night because they have to do something early tomorrow, so if she tries to ask make sure you say no. Oh also if her stomach ache gets worse just give her some normal medicine. You remember where the medicine cabinet is right?” “Yup. You guys have lived here long enough for me to remember where most things are.” Nayeon giggled. “Anything else?” 

“Yeah when her stomach hurts really bad she likes to have something warm to cuddle with. Her medium sized teddy bear that smells like lavender heats up. It’s pretty distinct but I’ll bring it down for you and put it on the counter in case she needs it. If she does, put it in the microwave for ninety seconds and hand it to her.” Tzuyu explained. “Alright, that should be everything. I need to go wake her up and then get going.” “Of course.” Nayeon nodded. “Can I come with you? She’s always really cute when she first wakes up.”

“Sure. Though she will probably be a little grumpy, she always is after just waking up.” Tzuy u agreed, starting to make her way to Nico’s room.

“Oh I know, I’ve watched her overnight before. She is always grumpy until she has some juice or Jeongyeon tickles her.” 

“Oh yeah, I know. She’s normally a little angel but just after waking up she can be quite grumpy. Saki is the same way. Sana says they got it from me but I’m not like that. I’m a morning person.” Tzuyu explained, stopping at Nico’s door.

“You keep telling yourself that.” Nayeon giggled.

“What? I’m fine in the morning.” Tzuyu rolled her eyes. “You're always so tired in the morning, getting you out of bed is hard.” “Jeongyeon knows how to.” Nayeon shrugged. “Ew.” Tzuyu faked disgust. “Shut up and go wake up your daughter.” Nayeon playfully poked Tzuyu’s shoulder. Tzuyu opened the door to Nico’s room, finding the three year old still fast asleep. She gently crossed the room and approached Nico. She smiled at the adorable look on her youngest daughter’s face as she slept. It had been so long since they had had a toddler around, and she forgot how absolutely precious they were. “Nico? Baby it’s time to wake up.” Tzuyu announced, gently shaking her daughter’s shoulder.

“Mm…” Nico whined, rolling away from Tzuyu. “Nope come on Nico. Mama has to go to the airport and she wants to say bye bye.” Tzuyu told Nico. Nico’s eyes opened at that, looking at Tzuyu sleepily. 

“Mama go?” “Yeah. Mama has to go to her work.” Tzuyu nodded. “Auntie Nayeon is here.” She pointed to Nayeon, who was still standing by the doorway to the room. “And Auntie Jihyo will be over later with Hina for a playdate.”

“Playdate?” Nico seemed intrigued by that. “Yup. But you have to get out of bed first.” Nico nodded, sitting up and rubbing one eye. “Good. Ka-san will be home after bedtime, and Mama will be home in a few days.” “Mommy?” “Mommy is still going to be far away until next week.” That answer seemed to make Nico sad but she nodded. Tzuyu glanced at her watch and internally cursed at the time. “Does your tummy still hurt?” “No.” Nico pouted, stretching a little. “That’s good. Shoot, Mama needs to get going.” Nico beat Tzuyu to a kiss, kissing her mama’s cheek. Tzuyu smiled at that and kissed Nico’s forehead in response. “I love your baby.” “Love you too mama.” Nico nodded.

“Can you get her changed?” Tzuyu turned to Nayeon, who nodded.

“Of course, don’t worry about it. Have fun on your trip.” Tzuyu gave Nayeon one more short hug as a thank you on the way out of Nico’s room. “Thank you. Be good Nico. I love you.” Tzuyu waved as she left. Nayeon approached Nico once she was gone, sitting on the corner of the bed and smoothing her niece’s messy hair with one hand. “Why don’t we get you dressed and ready for your playdate with Hina-chan?” Nayeon offered, earning her a huge smile in response.

xx 

Both Jihyo and Nayeon had noticed something off with Nico. She was still playing with Hina like she usually did, but she just seemed a little, off. And it only got worse the closer they got to dinner. Nayeon heated up the food Mina had made for Nico and she didn’t miss the tiny look of disappointment on Nico’s face when she saw what she was eating. She still ate it without complaint though. During dinner, Nico clammed up. Hina did most of the taking with the adult and Nico slowly ate her dinner. After dinner they put a movie on for the little ones. Nico cuddles with Jihyo while Hina lays on Nayeon’s lap. It all goes well, for a bit.

Halfway through the movie Nico hopped off Jihyo’s lap and ran to the bathroom, ignoring the questions of if she had to go potty. Jihyo chased after her and found her niece on the floor of the guest bathroom, a pile of vomit next to her and tears on her cheeks. “Oh hey Nico, hey Nico it’s okay.” Jihyo was never the biggest fan of vomit, but she had raised three kids. She had seen it before and knew how to deal with it. Nico just started crying more at the reassurance. Jihyo sighed and inspected Nico, making sure none of her throw up got on her clothes. Once she realized she was good she picked her niece up. “Was it your tummy?” Jihyo asked. “Does it feel yucky?” Nico nodded no in response, crying harder. Jihyo wasn’t entirely sure why dinner had upset Nico’s stomach so much. “Do you feel bad?” Jihyo began searching for any reason as to why Nico’s stomach would hurt. She felt her forehead and found she was fine, albeit a little pale.

She had been a little impressed when Nico had eaten most of her dinner. She distinctly remembered Nico disliking anything with tofu in it, but Nayeon had said she had gotten over her pickiness a bit. She had been impressed, and happy Nico was eating more foods. She had never really heard of a child just getting over their pickiness like that, but it was good. Nico needed to branch her tastes out. While thinking of reasons, it crossed her mind that food could have been what set Nico off. “Hey Nico… Was it the food? Did it make you feel icky?” Nico started crying even more. “Hey, it’s okay. Was it the food?” Nico nodded yes, cuddling into Jihyo. “It was so icky.” Nico sobbed. “Made me feel bad.” “Bad?” Jihyo asked. “If you don’t like it why didn’t you tell Ka-san?” 

“Don’t want to be picky. It’s hard for my mommies. I heard them say so. I want to be a big girl and eat all the foods they eat. But they are so icky.” Nico conutined sobbing. “They make me feel all weird.” “Oh Nico… Hey it’s okay to be picky, especially if food makes you feel this yucky.Your mommies think so too. Food is supposed to be yummy, not yucky.” Jihyo swayed Nico in her arms. “Hey baby, you're okay.” Jihyo swayed Nico some more until she calmed down. Jihyo sighed once she did. “Okay. I’m going to clean this up. Why don’t you go get Auntie Nayeon and have her brush your teeth so the icky taste can be gone okay?” Nico nodded, sniffling as Jihyo put her down. 

Once she was gone, Jihyo was sure to text all of Nico’s moms. She was aware Nico just didn’t like some foods, but she never realized they would elicit such a response from her. It hurt her just to see it. Even if Sana, Mina,a dn Tzuyu were really busy this was a problem they had to deal with. And all Jihyo could really do to help was tell them.

[yourdeepestfathoms]

Imagine Tour!Howard working out in the hotel weight room one evening when Tour!Joan walks in.

“Oh, Joan!” Howard says in surprise. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Yes. I, uhh—wanted to workout.” Joan says. Awkwardness radiated off of her thickly.

Howard nods and goes back to watching Netflix on her phone as she works at a treadmill. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Joan sidle up to the elliptical that was two machines away from her and spends a good three minutes trying to get it to the right setting. When it doesn’t work, Joan forces a tight laugh and says, “I think it’s broken.”

“I was at that before you walked in,” Howard says. “It was working for me?”

Joan turns an interesting shade of bright red. Howard tilts her head at her curiously. The girl was already sweating so much and she hasn’t even gotten on a machine yet.

“The treadmill next to me is working,” Howard offers kindly, hoping to ease this poor thing’s tension.

“O-oh. Thank you.” Joan stammers and shuffles up to the treadmill. She manages to turn it on and sets it to a slow speed. Howard flashes her a smile before returning to her show.

Several minutes pass. Howard notices that Joan keeps glancing at her a lot, then jerks her head away. It isn’t rocket science to know what she was gawking at. Howard didn’t really mind. She knew she was attractive, so of course she would get some stares, and Joan’s crush was clearly harmless, more like a child looking up to a pretty movie star, nothing serious.

She wonders how much internalized homophobia this girl has. Because every time she looks away, she almost looks guilty and ashamed. Howard found herself wanting to help Joan. But how?

At that moment, the door swings open and Aragon walks in, clad in tight leggings and a sports bra, and Joan stares for so long she falls off the treadmill.

“Maria was right!” Aragon laughs. “I would have women falling for me when I wear this!” Then, she glides over to Howard and whispers blissfully, “The mommy issues are immaculate today.”

[deans-baby-momma]

Mommy’s (Not So) Good Girl-Ch 15

The campus is practically empty during days leading up to Thanksgiving, with students heading home for the holiday. The only ones that are still at school are the foreigners or the ones who don’t have a family to go home to.

On Wednesday morning, I’m packing my car to head home and I am dreading it. My conversation with my mom did not go well at all. I could hear the disappointment and frustration in her voice. She wasn’t mad that I had finally “did it” she told me; no she was upset that I allowed myself to be recorded doing and saying what I did.

When she inquired about who ‘Daddy’ was, I was quick to come up with the name of the boy who tried to get me to sleep with him back on my birthday, Brad. I knew she didn’t exactly know who he was but that he was a guy I went to school back in high school with and didn’t probe any further.

The texts to Dean were another issue. He, at first, was only answering with one word messages and even with those single replies, I could sense his irritation and anger. So yea, I was dreading the visit home. 

I walk into the house and it’s eerily quiet. I know Mom is home because her car is in the driveway. Dean is probably still at work and Ben is at a friend’s house, probably Noah’s. 

“Anyone home?” I yell out as I close the door.

Mom comes in from the kitchen with a dish cloth in her hand and smiles. I follow her into the kitchen to see she has been baking. Cookies, a cake and two pies sit on the counters. Mom goes back to cleaning, not saying a word to me. 

“Mom,” I speak up. “I’m sorry.”

She nods but continues to wipe down the counters. I sigh and go to the front of the house and grab my bag, taking it to my room where I close myself in. 

Well, she’s still pissed.

That evening I join the family for dinner and once again Dean pretends as if I’m not there as he talks to Mom about work and interacts with Ben about cars. I keep my head down as I eat, willing myself not to cry. 

That night, I hear the very obvious sounds of my Mom and Dean having sex and I lay in bed and sob, knowing that his groans and grunts are only audible because he wants me to hear. Thankfully Ben has gone back to Noah’s; something about a gaming championship, so he isn’t exposed. I really wasn’t paying attention when he was talking about it.

But now my full attention is on the sounds coming from down the hall. Dean has always been loud but tonight it was like he was trying to prove a point or something. Even his dirty talk has been intensified in volume.

I hear him praising my mom and calling for her to cum and my tears multiply. Why is he doing this? I know I broke my promise to him, but I didn’t actually fuck Taylor. The only dick that’s been in me has been Dean’s. 

Finally I hear him groan out his release and then the house goes quiet again. When I finally go to sleep, it is with tear-stained cheeks and puffy red eyes.

Thanksgiving morning at the house is a whirlwind of activity. While Mom is finishing up the turkey, Dean and Ben are busy carrying in extra chairs and tables for the guests. 

Apparently  Mom and Dean invited some of their neighborhood couple friends and Dean’s uncle Bobby is coming. I’d heard Dean talk fondly of his uncle for months so I was excited to meet the man. 

Dean still hasn’t spoken to me but now he at least acknowledges my presence when we are in the same room. I have caught him looking at me a couple times already.  I smile when I catch him and I can tell he wants to return it but then he gets a look of determination on his face and goes back to whatever he was doing.

When Bobby arrives, he isn’t quite what I was expecting. Not a bad thing, I just didn’t expect a  sarcastic, gruff, old man with a full beard on his face and a worn out trucker’s cap on his head. I don’t know exactly what I was expecting but the person Dean introduces us too was not it. 

Bobby looks like he has lived a hard life, one that has taken a lot from him and when I learn that his wife died young and left him alone with no children, I can sort of understand his demeanor. Bobby seems nice and his eyes are bright and full of life; full of love for his nephew, I can see that as I watch him talk to Dean.

He portrays someone who is grumpy and by the small gut he carries around, I’m guessing probably drinks too much. Wonder if he ever got drunk and was videotaped coming on to someone? I shudder as that thought goes through my mind. 

Once everyone arrives, Dean carries the tray with the turkey on it to the table and asks Bobby to carve it. Under that grumpy exterior though, when Dean asks him to cut the turkey, I see a glimpse of the teddy bear underneath. 

Throughout dinner, I watch Dean as he interacts with Bobby, Mom, Ben and all the others that are around the table. He never looks my way full-on but he does glance at me from time to time. The obduracy takes a back seat when he catches me watching him and he smiles. Maybe things aren't ruined after all.

That night, after everyone has left I see Dean head out to the garage. I look to see Mom is engrossed in one of her novels and Ben is upstairs so I take a chance to get Dean alone to apologize.

The wind is chilly and I wrap my arms around myself as I make my way to the building in the backyard. I can hear the faint sounds of some classic rock song the closer I get. 

Knocking lightly, I push the door open and walk into the garage to see Dean bent over and looking under the hood of his car. I groan internally at the sight; Dean’s ass in those tight grease covered jeans. 

The muscles in his arms bulge as he turns something or other under the hood and I just stand there and marvel. I know how those arms feel as he holds me, how they envelop me as he cuddles me and how strong they are as they hold me down while he fucks into me.

“Hey,” Dean says, looking over his shoulder. 

“Hey.”

“Whatcha doing out here?” he asks, as he stops whatever he is doing and grabs a rag to wipe his hands.

“I came to say sorry.”

“Okay.”

@lostinaseaoffictionalbliss​ @spnbaby-67​ @tftumblin​ @sea040561​ @delightfullykrispypeach​ @larajadeschmidt13​ @vicariouslythruspn​ @squirrelnotsam​ @death-unbecomes-you​ @sandlee44​ @blacktithe7​ @deanwanddamons​ @hoboal87​ @marvelfanbrenda​ @vicmc624​ @smoothdogsgirl​ @elliloumom @stoneyggirl​

[anemonenemerosa]

The Spare- Chapter 13

Hello fellow people, I’m sorry for the delay (The chapter has been posted on AO3 for ages and I don’t know what took me so long)

Credit for the Sweater-verse goes to the wonderful @lumosinlove​

Chapter 13

TW: Violence, a bit of blood, forced outing, abusive families

In calls and texts: Reg is normal Ben is bold-italic Mateo is italic Jo is bold

When Reg got from the airport to the hotel to change into his suit, he learned that his mother had, indeed, tricked him again. The contacts on his phone were mostly deleted and he had to share a room with Severus, who was less than thrilled at the prospect.

"I have to share a room with you to make sure you stay mommies little boy! Rookie, I tell you, get close to that faggot and I rip you apart. I'm not getting shit from Riddle or your mother because you don't stay at the sight side." He growled at Reg and combined with the cold glare of his deep-set eyes, Reg was convinced that he could -and would- actually do that.

"Your mother will be here tomorrow to have a look herself." They had him... he could not escape... his happy family idea was gone; The universe had hit back. He thought of losing his Hobbits, as he named Jo, Ben and Mateo and it pained him too much to let it dwell. Reg closed his eyes with a sigh and a resigned nod.

Of course, they had to arrive at that damn Red Carpet together with Sirius and Tremblay. Walking behind Sirius was bad, walking there with Severus eyeing his every movement was worse but the worst was when Reg saw the look on Sirius' face. Tired, lonely, hurt. He heard bits of the questions his brother was asked and hurt with him. Hockey is about hockey, not what a player does in his spare time.

And there was nothing he could do. He had to re-watch the introduction with a proudly sniggering Severus four times this evening without a chance to sneak out and find Sirius. Reg considered drowning himself in the bathtub. He really ruined it for his brother ...and Remus. That poor guy who had probably lived a peaceful live until now, that he was accused of fucking his way up. What Regulus heard on the phone that dreadful night did not sound like he took advantage of his brother's fame.

The next morning, he briefly met his mother, who dismissed him curtly, her eyes scanning the players for his brother.

"Regulus, do what you are told. No missteps! You really thought I would let you roam freely, disgracing the name of Black even more?" her long nails were digging though his armour, her voice calm but freezingly cold. They would not let him go and stay with Ben and Mateo. He was stuck with his actual family. Although completely unhelpful, Regulus felt the abandonment by Sirius cut in his chest. He left me with them... he knew how they were, even then.

But determined as always, he tried to help Sirius. He came here to talk to him, to -hopefully- mend fences and become brothers again.

How do I even get to him secretly? Regulus was still finalising his tactic as he noticed Severus and his mother glaring daggers at Sirius, looking much better than yesterday and signing stuff for people covered in rainbow-flags. He made an uncommonly rash decision.

Regulus quickly skated over to his brother, almost knocking him over and tried to warn him without being obvious. If he looked angry, he could play it off as scolding, if his mother inquired. But Sirius didn't understand that he tried to warn him, not to berate him. Reg allowed himself his internal eye-roll as he had nothing else going for him. Connard stupide.

That damn Tremblay wouldn't go away either and there was not much he could explain without him overhearing. Il est trop relou. He's annoying.

And before Regulus had conveyed the, rather important, message that their mother was coming for him, Snape called him over. After the skills-competitions, which he lost (much to the disdain and disappointment of his mother), he was ushered into the hotel room, petulantly supervised by Severus until the next day.

During the games, Snape couldn't hover around him and Regulus was paired to play with Sirius. He was not sure whether he should be glad or upset about this. He missed his few days of peace with his Hobbits, missed the easy conversations with Jo, missed being Reg.

Regulus felt miserable. Sirius had made it clear that he did not want him anymore and he dreaded going back to the prison that was his life. He rubbed over the butterfly stitches, closing the cut at his thigh and somewhat cursed meeting Ben at all. Without him, he wouldn't have known how lousy his life actually was. He was not in the mood anymore to get through to Sirius although the All-Star people all but shoved him into his face. He wanted to be left alone.

That was, until Sirius spoke, really spoke to him. Made clear that he did not hate Regulus, called him Reg, told him that he would help him get out if he wanted to.

His thoughts were twirling in his brain. There was a rapid shift in their estranged relationship, one that Reg loved. But they hadn't talked about the outing-thing and he grew more and more terrified of losing it all over again when he opened up. But Sirius seemed quite happy with the prospect of sorting things out. Alors, because he has no idea of the shit-show on the horizon.

Reg was happy, too. His brother really stayed with him. He did not go after the interviews, where he found the courage to openly support his brother, not just quietly in his mind.  But he was also scared out of said mind by the prospect of returning to Slytherin, especially after that public statement.

Sirius turned to him. “Come back to Gryffindor with me. Minnie got you a seat with me and Logan. Tomorrow.”

There was an out? Relieve beyond belief soared though Reg as his brother pulled him into a hug. They hadn't done that in years. But the embrace triggered a chain of thoughts that yanked him out of his comfort. Ben. He thought there was an out before, but Ben and Mateo were not in the position to really help him, as much as they wanted to. Sirius, on the other hand had quite a bit of leverage.

Reg felt ungrateful.

That weird guy who found him bleeding and crying in the shower, hugged him, took him home and just made him part of the family in three days.

 "You know what, I’m your mom now!”

 “I’m talking now as your fried -or co-mom, apparently..."

Both, Ben and Mateo said that after Reg confessed what he had done. Even then, they wanted him to be there, to stay with them. He wanted to be with them, too but not with everything else waiting in Slytherin. His throat was tight. Reg wanted both. He wanted to keep this new-found people and be with his brother. And he felt like shit for assuming Sirius gave him a better chance for an escape.

But Reg and Sirius hadn’t talked yet. His brother new nothing. Would he still be so inclined to take Reg with him if he knew who turned his life inside-out? He needed to talk to him before they boarded the plane. And he needed to talk to Ben and Mateo. And Jo. Wonderful, funny Jo, who was open, honest and kind. Who cared for him and liked him as person, not as hockey player. And Jo, who he would probably leave behind just like Ben and Mateo for his brother. If Sirius still wanted him.

The fear of losing so much nearly overwhelmed him. He needed an out.

“Okay,” Regulus said into Sirius’ neck, voice thick. “Okay."

They would meet at Sirius room in about an hour. Time for Reg to sneak into his own room and gather his things, hopefully without running into Severus.

Thank all the deities whose existence I doubt that Severus is anywhere but in there. Reg thought relieved after closing the door behind him. He felt a bit calmer now that he made a plan. He would call the Hobbits from a telephone booth he saw on his way (Apparently, they still existed).

A small piece of paper with the number was shoved into his pocket by Mateo before he went to the airport in Slytherin.

"Just in case."

                                                       oOo

"Hello?"

"Ben?"

"Reg? Hi! Is everything OK? What kind of number is this?"

"We watched All Star all day, you did great!!!"  Jo's voice drifted in from the off

"Erm... yes, well... um...I call from a telephone booth and I- I kind of need to talk to you guys."

"Okaay... I didn't know these things still exist. Anyway, do you want me to put you on speaker?"

"OK." Reg felt so nervous, his voice was tight, his gut clenched.

 "Hello there, Reg! What's up?" Mateo.

"Erm..." The Reg of question had no idea how to approach the issue, but time was pressing.

"Come on, it's us. What's bothering you?"

"I- I talked to Sirius and he wants to take me with him home but he doesn't know it's all my fault and Maman will not let me stay with you she will find a way and if I don't leave with Sirius I might never get out of there but I do not want to leave you guys and I do not want to be ungrateful but I feel like this but I really want out of there but maybe Sirius doesn't want be with him once he finds out and please don't hate me." Once the floodgates opened it all came out in a stumbled, confused word-vomit.

Smooth and collected.

"Whoa, whoa Okay. Keep calm, everything's okay. Just let us go through that one at a time. Do you have enough coins?"

"Yes." He choked out.

“Good. So, we try to repeat to what you have told me in some kind of order, and you tell me if we got that right, OK?”

"OK."

"You talked to your brother and he wants to help you out of your abusive situation. You think that he can really help you, but you are afraid he doesn't what once he learns how he got outed, right?"

Reg couldn't answer. That was on point. Instead, he let out a deep sigh. "Mhm."

"Okay. Well, we do not know Sirius. So, we don't know how he might react but at least on the screen he seemed to be getting more confident with this. Talk to him. I'm sure he sees that, while you accidentally started the whole thing, the reaction of the people is not your fault."

"But-" Reg all but choked out. He was so fucking afraid. “But what if not?”

"I know. Maybe you have to trust him a little there."

"I- I try. There is not much else I can do anyway, is there?" A bitter laugh escaped his lips.

"Well, you could also come back to us. I know you said your mother wouldn't let you." Ben said quickly before Reg could tell him exactly that.

"But if everything else fails, rebook your flight to another time and we get you directly from the airport. Please keep that in mind. Our door is open for you. We're your moms, after all."

"None of us is mad because you want to get out. We want you to get out, too. You are not ungrateful. It's not that you walk out on us or anything."

"Also, phones and stuff exist, obviously. Or did you plan to say goodbye now and never call again?"

Jo hadn't said anything so far and Reg ached with the slight insecurity in her voice. But then all the other things they said seeped through his mind, followed by warmth. They did not hate him; They were not angry. He hadn't messed up, so far.

"I- No. No, this is not a goodbye. I just wanted to talk to you, let you know what changed."

"And that was very nice of you, my son. Now, better go and talk to Sirius, yeah? And please give us a short call or send a message later. So that we know whether we have to kidnap you on Slytherin airport, or not." Ben sounded like he was joking but practically ushered him from the phone.

For the last five minutes, any unsuspecting hotel guest on floor three would have had the opportunity to observe one Regulus Black attempting to knock on a door and failing repeatedly.

Alors, Regulus Arcturus Black. Where are your metaphorical balls? Knock on that fucking door already!

The moment he did, he regretted it a little. Sirius flung the door open, phone at his ear, grinning.  Hey. He mouthed and jerked his head to beckon Reg inside. Once the door was closed, Sirius looked at him again, still grinning and gesturing at his phone. Remus. Want to say hi?

Reg was very sure that he did not want to say hi. He still dreaded the wrath of both of them and shook his head no, looking pained.

                                                      oOo

Looking at the frantic shaking head of his brother, Sirius felt his stomach knot. What if he's not as accepting as he told the media? Does he hate me after all?

After saying goodbye to Remus and hanging up, there were a few eternities of awkward silence. They hadn't been alone in a room together since... a long time ago.

"Alors... Reg, erm" Sirius switched to French now. It felt more comfortable, like they were children again. "Would you like to tell me about what ha-"

"I'd rather not talk about that right now." Reg fidgeted nervously at the frayed cuffs of his sweater.

"Yeah, yeah. Sure." His brother looked like he'd rather just go to bed and never talk again but Sirius really had to ask before taking him to Gryffindor.

"Did you mean it? You really support me?"

"What do you mean?" Reg just glanced up from intensely memorising the pattern of the carpet.

"I suppose you followed twitter" At his dry tone, an eyebrow of Reg moved upwards.

"Yes, I did... But who you spend your free-time with and what you choose to do with them is indifferent to your hockey play."

"Warm words as always, loving brother."  Now, the second eyebrow followed.

"Okay well, fuck you! You left me there, with our parents expecting me to outdo your every move! I know they are horrible, but you went and got better without me. You promised, to always be my brother, to be there for me. And then, you weren't. You abandoned me! Do you know how much I envied you for having friends, a team that supports you and genuinely likes you as a person, not just your play?”

"Reg..." Sirius tried to reach out to his brother, but Reg backed away.

"S-Sorry, that's not what I came here for. I wanted to tell you..." but the sentence just trailed off into tense silence.

"What is it?"

"I..."

"Come on, spit it out"

"I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry about the situation."

"For what? Me being gay?" baffled, Sirius could only stare at his brother.

"No... for getting you into that situation... I did not want to hurt you or Remus"

"Well- Wait what?" Something awful was dawning in Sirius mind.

"I overheard your call on thanksgiving, you weren't exactly quiet... and please believe me I did not want this to happen... I-" Sirius felt suddenly cold all over.

"What. Did. You. Do?" his voice was barely above a whisper.

"It was at the Snake's Christmas... I- I was so lonely because of that Interview I was basically grounded and under constant observation... and I thought you hated me after that and... and I didn't want to - it just kinda slipped. I thought they all were too drunk to notice but-"

"Regulus." Crashing headfirst into the boards was pleasant compared to what Sirius felt right now. "Really I'm so-" Reg stammered, voice thick and eyes fixed on his shoes.

And next Sirius' fist crashed into his brother's face, sending him to the floor.

Sirius took a few ragged breaths, ready to succumb into a fit of rage but looking into his brother's face, almost a mirror of his own, eyes wide and blood tickling from his nose, not even trying to defend himself, he realised that this was not Regs fault… Sirius knew how their parents could get, knew the Snakes, knew that feeling of loneliness from when he was that young. His brother did not want to harm him but most importantly, it was not Regs fault how the public reacted and that he run away from Remus at the airport… Long ago, he promised himself to never hurt his baby brother, to protect him…. Sirius eyes welled up as he yanked him off the floor and pressed him to his chest. I'm sorry. Je suis désolé, je suis désolé... I'm sorry... I left you there, all alone... I'm sorry...

Regulus looked up into his face, tears streaking his face, too while both realised that although there is so much work to do between them after hall they lived through and did to each other, that they still have each other.

                                                         oOo

"Do you love him?" The brothers were sitting opposite each other on Sirius' bed, legs stretched out between them, both a cup of tea in their hands, Reg still pressing a tissue to his nose. Sirius was telling Reg about the general situation in Gryffindor.

"Yes", Sirius didn't even hesitate for a heartbeat.

"Have you actually put in the effort to tell him?" He leaned back against the headboard, crossing his legs.

"Reg, stop smart-assing."

"I see." Reg smirked a bit, " Then maybe, you know, mention it sometime. Or is he psychic?"

"You are a git."

"You like me."

"I ldo" Sirius snorted. " but I am still mad at you."

"As you have every right to be."

"Reg, ...why did you not speak to me first?"

"You mean because talking about feelings was exactly the sole centre of our upbringing?"

"You are not helping your cause."

"Je le sais. Je suis désolé mon frère... je suis sérieux." I know. I'm sorry... I really am.

                                                        oOo

After a few beats of a little more comfortable silence, a sudden reminder pinged through Reg's thoughts.

"Oh. I almost forgot. Can I take your phone to send a text? Mine is still spied at." He piped up rather automatically, then saw his brother's eyes narrow.

"Who would you want to text?"

"Erm..." Reg felt his cheeks heat, no idea how to explain this fever-dream-situation but the raised eyebrow with the expectant look on Sirius' face made him spill something. Reg thought it was a rather messily told story, but his brother seemed to follow.

"So, you had a meltdown after the tweed outing me and ...the guy that, cleans the stadium put you back together, had you checked by his EMP boyfriend and then took you home with the boyfriend to ...feed you soup and hug you good-night after telling you their life-stories?

"Yes."

"And then you came back to them two days later and told them about our family and they just offered you to live with them and -and announced themselves your mom and co-mom, while you refer to them as the Hobbits because they are short and friendy?"

"Yes."

"You are aware of just how absurd that sounds?"

"Mhm." Reg was gnawing at his bottom lip. He had not mentioned Jo so far. This was odd enough already.

"Just checking... Well, then go on." Sirius threw his phone across the bed, thinking of how lucky Reg got with these people but also looking for a catch.

This is Sirius' phone. I survived and will accompany him to Gryffindor tomorrow. Hugs, Reg. he quickly typed the message and sent it on its way.

When he woke up the next morning, around five, he found himself curled up on his side, head at the foot of the bed. Lifting said head, he caught a sight of his brother, mirroring his position so that their calves were at the back of the other.

"Just as we used to." He mumbled before carefully getting up and heading for the bathroom, getting ready for his flight.

[duker42]

💜Age Matters💜

💜Age Matters💜

Nervously tugging on the straps across her chest, Y/N takes one more look in the mirror. Confident her uniform is pristine, her gaze falls to the insignia on her jacket. The Wings of Freedom look very different from the Garrison Roses that she had worn for the past 15 years.

Leaving her new quarters in the Survey Corps Headquarters, she prepares herself for a barrage of questions, doubts and mistrust. While the Garrison might support the Scouts on expeditions, it’s practically unheard of for someone to transfer in like she has. Especially for someone who has been the Garrison as long as she had.

Reaching the Mess Hall, she observes the soldiers around her. There is clearly two age groups, very young and her age. The number of people she sees that are around her age is lower that she had expected. Then again, when 30% of the force is lost every expedition, did she really think there would be vast numbers of veterans?

Grabbing her tray, she chooses a spot seemingly out of the way, not knowing that she was about to be overrun with young, curious new Scouts. Suddenly, several trays dropped down on the table around her as bodies flopped onto the benches.

“God,” a two toned haired boy groaned. “I thought we would have a little break in training after we joined the Regiment. I feel like we are back in the Training Corps.”

A delicate looking blonde boy answered him. “Well, we have to learn our squad’s movements. The expedition is only 30 days out.”

She listen as the conversation passes back and forth between the group. They are kids, energetic, idealistic kids. Musing over their differences in personality, but obvious close relationships, she don’t realize that she was being spoken to until the tiny angelic blonde touches my arm.

“Are you okay?” Her small voice is easy to hear as everyone else has stopped talking and turned to me.

“Oh, sorry. I was wool gathering. I’m fine, thank you.”

“My name is Christa. What’s yours?”

“Y/N”

The rest of the table goes around and introduces themselves. Reiner, Berthold, Ymir, Connie, Sasha, Jean, Armin are unfamiliar to her. Y/N had heard of Mikasa for her impressive display of skills during the Battle of Trost. And of course everyone has heard of the emerald eyed Titan shifter, Eren Yeager.

The two toned haired boy, Jean, leans over Eren with what she could only assume he believes is a charming smile. “I could have sworn I had met all the beautiful girls in our class, but I haven’t seen your gorgeous face before. Why is that?”

Eren pushes the boy off of him and they glare at it each other a moment before turning back to her for the answer.

“I just transferred in from the Garrison.” She braces herself for the follow up question.

“Why on earth would you do that??” Comes a surprised question from Jean.

“I was tired of it. All most seemed interested in doing was getting drunk and fighting. If I’m going to fight, I would rather it be for humanity rather than against some poor slob in a bar.” Y/N explains.

The kids stiffen up and return to their food quietly as she feels a presence behind her. Turning, Y/N sees the infamous Captain Levi. Shorter than most men, he still commands respect and attention. His stormy blue eyes miss nothing as he openly scrutinizes the young looking woman. Never having been this close to the enigmatic soldier, she was surprised at how attractive he was. She knew him to be around her age, but like her, he looked younger than his years. Pale, clear skin and jet black hair framed his sharp face nicely. His neutral expression did not seem to put the kids at ease, but Y/N could tell that it was just the way his face rested.

Levi meanwhile was appraising Y/N. Having read her file, he had originally been wary of the transfer. He didn’t trust the intentions of a soldier who suddenly gave up the position of Squad Leader to transfer over to the Scouts. While there were no reasons given beyond her explanation to the brats, he was going to keep his eye on her. Especially since she had immediately ended up at the same table as the Titan shifter.

It did catch him off guard with how young she looked. She could have passed for a new recruit if he was unaware of her time in the Garrison. He internally rolled his eyes in annoyance at the prospect of all the hormonal brats getting to know her. It was going to distract them from their training, and in turn, piss him off.

“When you’re done, you’re with me, Garrison. Time to see what you’ve forgotten sitting on your ass, safely behind the walls.” His word comes across sharp and dry.

Standing, she picks up her tray and silently follows the Captain. Disposing of the tray, she walks behind him, observing his quick purposeful strides out of the castle and down to the training grounds.

Without breaking his stride, he questions her. “What’s missing from your file? The real reason you transferred?”

“Captain, I transferred because I was tired of the antics of the Garrison. Most are just as bad as the MPs.”

Stopping, he turns and stares at her, reading her for dishonesty. “That’s all?”

“If you read my file, you know I was a Squad Leader. I had a soldier under me that had acted inappropriately towards other soldiers several times. Starting vicious fights, stealing, generally causing problems. When I took action against him, I was censured. He was drinking and gambling buddies with our superiors. I want nothing to do with filth like that. So I asked to transfer.” Her confidence bespoke of her honesty.

Finding no reason to doubt her words, Levi merely nodded and started walking towards the ODM course. Quickly grabbing gear for her, he appraises her as she equips.

“When was the last time you wore the gear?” He asks, noticing her fumbling with a few of the connections.

“Retaking Trost, sir.”

“Did you stand on the roof like all the other idiots, or did you run?” She grits her teeth at the abrasive question. She rationally knows he’s trying to push her buttons, but to imply she was a coward pissed her off.

Her eyes flashed with anger as she spit out, “5 solo kills, 4 assists. I DID NOT run.”

Folding his arms across his chest, he quirks an eyebrow, surprised at her kills. While his numbers were unimportant in his mind, he was impressed that someone who doesn’t encounter Titans regularly kept her composure during the surprise attack on the town.

Running her through the course several times, he noted that while her movements weren’t quite fluid, that seemed to be from lack of practice rather than lack of skill. Taking into account the fact that the Garrison got less ODM time than Scouts, her skills were still above the fresh recruits from the 104th. Satisfied with her performance, he signaled her to come back.

**Time Skip**

In the several weeks since transferring, Y/N had started to settle in. Making friends with several of the veterans, she was able to talk with them about events that had occurred, sharing her perspective from the Garrison. The 104th soldiers were endearing to her, she almost viewed them as younger siblings. Still having not revealed her age, she was enduring daily advances by most of the boys, Jean especially.

Levi sat at the superiors table observing Y/N interact with the kids. His jaw tightened as he watched Jean throw another flirty grin at the alluring woman. He had come to like Y/N, quickly taking advantage of her former position as a Squad Leader to pull her into his office every evening to assist with the mountains of paperwork he never seemed to finish. In between the scratching of pen against paper, they had begun to talk, first about non-consequential things. As the hours past in the candle light, the conversation had turned personal, more so on her part. While he still held himself back from revealing all of his past, he was surprised to realize that in a few short weeks, she knew as much about him as his closest friends Erwin and Hange.

Jean grabs Y/N’s hand, rubbing his fingers across her knuckles, causing Levi to set his cup down and get up, intent on going over to the table to put the kid in his place. He doesn’t understand the feelings he’s having, but he knows that he hates it. Walking quietly towards them, he stops as he hears the conversation.

“Y/N, you have to go on a date with me! Your face is haunting my dreams.” Jean smiles, thinking that his admission is suave.

“I’ve told you before Jean, you’re too young for me.” She gently pulls her hand from his, annoyed that he just doesn’t seem to get the hint.

“Babe, you can’t be too much older than me. I promise I’ll satisfy you.” Wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, he moves in closer.

Levi is ready to tear the boy apart physically, but Y/N beats him to it, verbally.

“Okay, kid, I’m done being nice. Let me put this a way you will understand. I am old enough to have pushed you out of my vagina. Why the FUCK would I let you in it?” Her words filet him neatly.

Levi almost laughs at how quickly Jean pales. The horrified expression on his face grows as Y/N continues.

“Or do you have mommy issues? I’m not into that kind of kink, thanks though.”

The table explodes with laughter and someone throws out the question that is on all of their minds. How old is Y/N?

“I’m 31. I was in the Garrison for 15 years, not 1 like you all assumed.” She grins.

The conversation moves on, the kids amazed at Y/N’s age and asking questions about events past. Levi walks away, satisfied that the brats will no longer be hitting on the woman he secretly has come to think of as his.

**Time Skip**

Knocking on the door to his office, Y/N waits for Levi to open the door. She had noticed her grumpy superior walking towards the table at dinner, his posture stiff from anger. When he changed his course after watching her putting Jean in his place, she knew that she had not imagined the growing relationship between them.

When the door opens, her pulse speeds up like every other time she comes face to face with the sullen man. His posture relaxed, he stood back and let her enter. Walking towards the desk in the absurdly tidy office, Y/N realized there were no stacks of paper to pour over. The convenient cover for spending hours trying to get to know Levi was not going to work tonight. Facing him, she watched him close the door quietly, staring at her as he walked slowly towards her.

“You distract me. I don’t like it.” Levi comments.

“I’m sorry?” Tilting her head in confusion, Y/N tries to understand where the conversation is headed.

“I didn’t like that brat thinking he had a chance of touching you. It pissed me off.”

“Ahhhhhh, you were jealous.” A small smile curved her lips as she begins to see.

He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms, stopping an arm length from her. “I don’t get jealous.”

Now she rolls her eyes, “Maybe not before. But you shouldn’t be.”

Invading her senses, he steps closer, the space in between them non existent. His observant grey orbs darken as her breathing quickens. She lifts her hand to his chest, slowly feeling the hard muscle beneath his shirt. Bringing a hand to her waist, he questions. “Why is that?”

Wetting her lips, she leans forward, breathing into him as she honestly replies. “I don’t do younger. Age matters to me.”

“Thank fuck I’m older.”

Mobile MasterList

[tvmoviechristmas]

Christmas Dilemma (TV One, 2020)

I’m gonna sleep with my Mommy and my Daddy who think I’m a superhero!

Starring: BJ Britt, Brittany S. Hall, Rafael Castillo, Carl Anthony Payne II

Plot Synopsis: Newlywed couple Jay and Monica struggle to decide which set of in-laws they should join for their first Christmas. They eventually decide against picking one family over the other. Little do they know, their decision is made for them when their families show up unannounced. Drama unfolds as their in-laws' clash, long-lost relatives decide to make an appearance, and Jay's grandmother joins the holiday festivities accompanied by her caretaker, who just happens to be Jay's gorgeous ex-girlfriend. (x)

In My Humble Opinion: I watched Christmas Dilemma exactly how Christopher Nolan would have wanted me to: at 5 AM on the TV One app. I had to exit out of the movie whenever I wanted to take notes on it, and the app doesn’t have a “Continue Watching” feature so whenever I wanted to get back to the movie, I had to do my best to scroll to the spot where I last was which the app made incredibly hard to accomplish. Christmas Dilemma made me work for my viewing experience. There was blood, there was sweat, there were tears.

Was it worth it? Not really.

Christmas Dilemma is an entry to the popular genre of “the family has come for Christmas and nothing can go right!” It’s a set-up that usually allows for a series of comic hi-jinks that ends with a good talking to and a hug. There are two problems that Christmas Dilemma has that stops this premise from working.

The most vital is that the movie never takes the time to invest you in the central couple’s relationship. For about twenty minutes before their families unexpectedly arrive, the movie is concerned with showing you the couple fighting about where they want to spend their holidays. It’s a series of arguments that are not as funny or charming as the film seems to believe. When the argument finally gets suddenly dropped, it feels like a swerve. We started with one movie about a couple who needs to work on their internal issues, and now all the issues are external. 

The external problems don’t make the central couple more relatable though. Mainly because the biggest problem seems to be the husband’s ex-girlfriend, who is there as his grandmother’s caretaker. She seems to enter every scene with an extended slow-motion sequence and seems to exist only to make the current wife jealous. She gets more jealous and more jealous and more jealous, and when you think that this is going to build somewhere where the wife looks petty and rude and a sincere conversation is going to be had, the movie swerves again. The wife isn’t worried about this ex-girlfriend, she’s actually worried about how their families don’t get along! It was like the writers knew they were entering a moment where the wife was going to go too far to fix this relationship believably in ten minutes time, so they just reversed out of there with a speed that was ultimately dizzying.

The moments where the chemistry of the central couple gets to shine through are so few and far between that you wonder why you want them to stay together. They are randomly fighting about one thing at the beginning of the film, and the movie keeps swerving to new arguments continually as the film goes on. A couple of arguments less, and a few more united front scenes more would have done a world of wonders.

The second more major problem is that the descending family members just aren’t funny. Christmas Dilemma wants you to believe that this Christmas is unbearably chaotic. However, the setpieces never feel excructiating to sit through. Worse, they aren’t funny. Instead, the chaos is limited to giving each character about one scene apiece where they act wacky in a certain way. So Cousin Eddie comes in randomly, his bit is that he is over-friendly, has a random Asian girlfriend and nobody knows him. Grammy has lots of sex tips because nothing is wackier than an old woman who talks about sex. The Reverend character likes to ask for money when he leads prayers. The characters never get to be deeper than gags but the gags they get to be aren’t interesting in and of itself.

Christmas Dilemma feels like a missed opportunity. There’s just a few tweaks that could have been made (changing the warring couple intro, tightening the gags) that would have made all the difference in making the movie more enjoyable. 

However, not all of the problems I had with the movie are it’s fault -- if the TV One app had a “Continue Watching” feature maybe my blood pressure would have lowered, and I would have been less nitpicky. Maybe this is why Christopher Nolan is so against watching movies on your phones.

Watch If: You get really excited about wearing fur, if you can tell who your relatives are by the size of their nostrils or if you love your grandchildren, but you need some milk.

Skip If: You are a woman who does not want to see Hamilton (starring Beyonce, Method Man and Adele!), if you will touch a man’s belly or if you plan to die on Hannukah.

Final Rating: ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

If you like this blog, please consider donating to my Kofi page! You can also donate money to kbange@gmail.com through either Venmo or CashApp. Thank you!

[shadowsong26x]

EPIX/Rise of Skywalker Reaction Post

So, I got back from seeing EPIX this morning, and I figured I should get all my thoughts down!

Everything spoilery is behind a cut, and this post is also tagged with the spoiler tags I’ve listed here. If you want me to add any additional tags, let me know and I will to this and any future EPIX posts.

Okay, so, before I really get into this, I should mention two relevant contextual things that probably strongly impacted my feelings on this movie.

I’m not super-invested in the sequel trilogy. I love (most of) the characters, I’m not really into the story that’s being told with them.

Given where TLJ left us, I went into the theatre expecting something between A Trainwreck with Some Delightful Moments and A Delightful Trainwreck. Basically, it was going to be a Hot Mess and I knew it, but I was pretty sure there was going to be something to love, even if the film as a whole didn’t delight me (which, honestly, is even where I stand with TLJ, which remains my least favorite film of the series). And, you know what? I got exactly that. A Sometimes-Delightful Trainwreck. I’d say it’s even towards the upper end of that Delightfulness scale.

All right, moving on to actual thoughts. I’m trying to focus on the positive here, mostly because I did overall enjoy this movie, but I also had some Problems with it.

I’m gonna talk about Kylo Ren first, mostly because I want to get this out of the way. I will say that--when I first saw TFA, I thought I could be interested in this character. I thought they were gonna maybe go the burnt-out gifted kid route with him, which would be hella interesting to explore for the child of Heroes like Han and Leia, and the Legacy he had to live up to. Obviously, they didn’t, and while the direction they went is certainly topical, it’s not super engaging, at least to me. I know it is to some people, and far be it from me to harsh anyone’s squee, but he basically doesn’t do anything for me. I personally don’t find him particularly interesting or intimidating.

Basically, I don’t particularly care about Kylo Ren. (I don’t know if I’m quite at the point where, as my roommate puts it, I aggressively Do Not Care, but the Not Caring is definitely a thing.)

Anyway, that disclaimer aside--his arc was okay, I guess? I mean...I think my general feelings on the subject are not that it felt phoned-in, exactly, but that it was mostly there because the writers thought it should be there, rather than it flowing organically from the character(s) involved. It also felt rushed, but that goes back to a problem with the movie as a whole that I will get into later in this post. But, given that, the actual beats that were involved in said arc I thought were effectively done. The bit with Han in the wreckage, in particular, was nice.

As for that Kiss though.

...I mean. I’m actually kind of pleased that the end of the film left the romantic threads dangling? It gave me plenty of OT3 feels (though I felt like, especially in the first third or so, the film was leaning more towards Rey/Poe and Finn/Rose, but there was some later stuff that seemed to hint at the full OT3 with a question mark on where Rose stands.)

But I do have a problem with the fact that the only on-screen kiss between Major Characters was between Rey and Kylo Ren/Ben Solo. That being said, I can backfill/justify it in that...you know how some people headcanon that Luke’s initial crush on Leia was some sort of “There is a Connection Here that I Cannot Name and it’s probably supposed to be Romantic given our ages and genders and presumed lack of other relationship so let’s go with that?” Between something like that and the fact that he just gave up his life for her in a very literal way (side note: the Force has always been New Powers as the Plot Demands; but the healing thing was a) if not actually in a canon novel at least strongly implied and b) ALL OVER fanon so even if I had a problem with Random Force Powers suddenly occurring I wouldn’t have an issue with this one; the Force Diad thing was ~handwave plot device~ sure fine whatever). ...anyway, given all of that, I can backfill it to a way where I don’t hate it (i.e., if he’d lived, I don’t think it would’ve been followed up on very much/they would’ve settled into a non-romantic relationship of some kind, whatever that might’ve been). Except that it’s the only one, which kind of leaves a sour taste in my mouth.

Then again, he did immediately die, so...yeah, I can live with this. I don’t like it, and I don’t think I ever will like it, but I don’t hate it either and it’s not a dealbreaker for me.

Most of the other problems I have with this film come down to structure and pacing. In that, thanks to where TLJ left us, this move had to do so much to bring the story to any kind of cohesive end, and not enough time to do it in. Trying to squeeze too much plot into too small a space.

(I actually had the same problem with ROTS initially--although that was more due to the PT having pacing issues as its Primary Narrative Flaw; TPM was way too slow; AOTC actually had good internal pacing but couldn’t quite make up for it; and then ROTS was as a consequence of that really rushed. Meanwhile, with the ST, I feel like the writers are relying on “it’s all there in the manual” a little too much, so not really...trying as hard, if that makes sense? To make it all connect within the film, I mean, as opposed to depending on people going into other/outside/supplemental material to connect the dots (still not as bad as the Prisoner of Azkaban movie on that front, but it’s still Bad; and, like, all film versions of novels leave some stuff out, just look at the LOTR films; but POA left out a key plot point and that--is a rant for another post. Back to EPIX). It’ll be interesting to see what kind of deleted scenes come out, or if it’ll grow on me in future watchings. Not that it’ll ever become a favorite, I don’t think, but it might improve in my eyes.)

Anyway, basically, a lot of this felt rushed or like...introduced but not really addressed/wrapped up in any kind of satisfactory fashion? Kylo Ren’s arc in particular, as I’ve mentioned before, plus the Threepio stuff felt rushed and non-consequential, and also with Rey’s arc to an extent (it...again, all the beats worked for me/I thought it was fairly effective, but it really needed two movies to pay off as well as it could have). ...I mean, there are more plot threads I could probably mention here, but those are the three that stuck out the most.

Also, this movie needed More Rose :( I LOVE HER and she was barely here!!!!!

Another thing I would’ve liked to see is...okay, I really liked the Overlapping Voices bit, but it would’ve been nice to have more Presence from the ghosts? Like...there’s a bit at the end of season 1 of Sailor Moon where she’s in the Final Battle, the other four have died (or just been left behind, if you’re watching the English dub), and their ghosts show up and place their hands on hers and lend her their strength? A visual cue like that would’ve been great and helped the arc feel more complete. Especially since Palpatine had all of his predecessors/Sith ghosts backing him in a more visible fashion. But, then again, that’s a Personal Taste thing and while it would’ve, IMO, made that moment better, not having it doesn’t make it worse, if that makes sense?

(Also, the credits moved too fast for me to track, but I definitely saw Qui-Gon Jinn listed, though I don’t recall hearing him, and I definitely recognized Anakin/Hayden Christensen and Mace/Samuel L. Jackson and Obi-Wan/Ewan McGreggor (and Alec Guinness I’m pretty sure?) and obvs. Yoda/Frank Oz when actually listening, but I couldn’t identify the other voices--anyone have the full list? Was Ahsoka and/or Kanan and/or Ezra involved, or was it restricted to movie-only Jedi?)

But...yeah. Apart from the Kiss being very ....:/ for me, most of my identifiable problems with the film is stuff like this.

I think the other thing I want to talk about in detail is the Rey Palpatine reveal.

So, up until this movie, I was actually in my corner flying my tiny but determined Rey Kenobi flag, and the more I think about it, the more I like Rey Palpatine for some of the same reasons? Like...I don’t remember everything I’d thought through about Rey Kenobi, but it had to do with the cyclical nature of Star Wars, and bringing it back where it started--and we get that with Rey Palpatine, in a nice arc, healing some of the damage her grandfather did, both to this family and to the galaxy as a whole.

That being said--those of you who know me and my fic projects know I’ve been writing a child (daughter) for Palpatine for quite some time now, and I have no intention of stopping, lol. Am I going to take this/Lavinia’s (presumably) half-brother into account in future projects? ...probably not. But I am looking forward to/hoping we get a novel or something about him and Rey’s mother. Because that is actually a story I’m interested in--why canon!Palpatine chose to have a kid, and how said kid managed to break away and got to this point. [...y’know, I actually think Rey Kenobi’s background/thread of descent would be less interesting to me? Since I subscribe to the idea that a) Korkie Kryze is Obi-Wan’s biological son; and b) Obi-Wan had many Friends With Benefits throughout the galaxy and figuring out exactly which one Rey descends from carries less weight for me.]

...okay, I think that’s all the Detaily Bits I want to get into, so here are some bullet points of things that really stuck out to me, in no particular order:

Bawled like a baby re: everything involving Carrie Fisher. Just...yeah. Miss you Space Mommy.

LANDO! I loved his entrance, I loved him adopting Jannah at the end, I loved all of it.

Chewie’s fake-out death was also actually pretty good/well-handled. I mean. First Boom happens and I’m like DDDDDDD: but then I remember how people reacted to his death in Legends and I’m like would they really do it and then DELIGHT.

HUX. Okay. I never really cared about this dude before, and honestly I still don’t really care about this dude but at the same time, those of you who know me know I have a Thing for double-agents and defectors and I LOVE THIS WHOLE ENTIRE PLOT THREAD. I LOVE THIS SHITHEAD TURNING TRAITOR FOR THE MOST VENAL REASONS AND STILL BEING A BAD GUY/EVIL/AN UNREPENTANT JACKASS. THIS WAS PERFECT.

(Also Finn shooting him in the leg instead of the arm as requested was DELIGHTFUL)

SPEAKING OF DELIGHTFUL gotta love Zombie Skeev Palpatine Unliving His Best Afterlife. Was he as Delightful as he is in ROTS or ROTJ? No. Did I still enjoy every minute of his scenery-chewing nonsense? You bet your ass. So happy, Ian McDiarmid looked like he was having tons of fun and honestly what more could I have asked for?

The whole scene on Ahch-To was just *chef’s kiss.* Use of Yoda’s theme with the rising X-Wing, Luke being snarky and kind and beautiful, him emerging from the fire with the saber...just loved it.

LEIA HAD JEDI TRAINING AND HER OWN LIGHTSABER. BB!MARK HAMILL AND BB!CARRIE FISHER’S FACES.

LEIA TRAINING REY. REY CALLING HER ‘MASTER.’

USING THE BOND TO ARM KYLO REN okay like I said I have Mixed Feelings about the arc as a whole but that moment was SO COOL.

Poe’s ex-girlfriend was pretty great, ngl.

JANNAH AND EX-STORMTROOPERS YESSSSSSSS

HINTS OF/SHREDS OF EVIDENCE FOR FORCE-SENSITIVE FINN GIVE THEM TO ME NOW.

D-0 was pretty cute!

All of the Badass Finn.

Also that MOMENT where Finn runs up to Poe like “I NEED TO TELL YOU A THING” and Poe is all “I NEED YOU TO FIGHT WITH ME” and Finn just interrupts himself to thank Poe and they have that “General” “General” moment and it’s SO CUTE I’m love it.

The entire thing at the Lars farm at the end. Just. Burying the lightsabers, seeing the twins’ ghosts, claiming the Skywalker name, Rey having her own saber now. This movie was a Hot Mess but it definitely ended on a high note.

...that’s pretty much what I have for right now. I will probably have more thoughts after discussing it with other people/seeing it again (because I will be seeing it again). But overall...do I like it? Well, it’s Star Wars, which I love and which frankly always has some Super Dumb and/or Frustrating Stuff, and the things I disliked weren’t bad enough to Ruin It for me, so yes, I liked it. Is it my favorite Star Wars/good for a Star Wars movie? ...not really, no. It did have some gorgeous moments, but it doesn’t really hang together. Like the rest of the ST, it relies way too much on It’s All There In The Manual and, between that and the fact that TLJ didn’t do the work necessary to set it up, the movie felt rushed and a little bit...I don’t want to say hollow, maybe shallow is a better word? I mean, I know this is Star Wars and It’s Not That Deep (but the ground is soft and I’m ready to dig or however the quote goes), but this felt particularly shallow even for Star Wars. Like...cotton candy, fairly good/tasty but a little bit prone to melting away and with very little substance holding it together. On that level, I’d actually probably rank it around Solo (which, let me say, I really like)--so, better than TLJ, but still A Hot Mess of a movie. But I enjoyed myself, and I think overall my feelings are middling-to-positive on it. Even if...honestly, even like less than four hours after the movie ending, I’m already forgetting like half the plot points...? Like I said. Cotton Candy.

What did/do you guys think?