#- homophobic employers making assumptions about my sexuality based on how I look -

[august--and-everything-after]

My hair is currently like collarbone length with an undercut at the back (that I desperately need to get trimmed lol) as a compromise to myself cause I want to cut it all short again but I'm not committed enough to go thru with it yet lol, and I have been enjoying elements of my longer hair, and growing it out is SUCH a pain.

But I'm really feeling the itch to cut it all off. I've had it every length from buzzed nearly-bald to longer than it is now, and I typically get to a point with it long where I get bored or frustrated and chop it all off. And I'll keep it short for a while, sometimes a long while, but eventually I get lazy and start letting it grow out, and then repeat. I think I've done this whole process like 4 or maybe 5 times? Starting in 2nd year uni.

ANYWAY, unnecessary backstory out of the way, the point is that I mentioned to my mum that I was thinking of cutting it short again (never a good idea I don't know why I keep doing it) and anytime I tell her this she inevitably at some point has to remind me that She likes my hair better long, and thinks it looks better, and suits my face shape better, as if she hasn't told me this EVERY TIME I talk about cutting my hair.

Honestly it makes me want to cut it more just out of spite.

She's never cut her hair ever in her life, it's always been long long long, so I generally don't take her opinions about hair to heart, but it's annoying that she feels the need to mention this EVERY time I cycle thru different lengths or cuts.

[valiantlyleftwonderland]

Identifying & Analyzing our OWN assumptions:

This activity was done as a way to self-reflect and contemplate our own assumptions. We all have assumptions that affect our daily lives and how we perceive others. This can be manifested through our language and thoughts.

When completing this assignment, I had to examine carefully how 2 assumptions impacted and integrated with not only my system BUT with other family systems. How did these assumptions contribute as obstacles to my ability to create family school community partnerships? Most importantly how can one eliminate or decrease these assumptions?

The importance of taking these assumptions into consideration is identifying my role for each assumption. Was I an Ally, Bystander, Target, Perpetrator? These roles can be fluid.

MY ASSUMPTIONS: through self-observation:

Keeping your bag/purse or belongings close to you when you’re around a POC (especially a man) so they don’t try to rob you.

An uninvolved parent (those that don’t come to school often) does not care about their child or their child’s progress in education.

REFLECTION: 

It’s impossible to say or think that I did not have any assumptions but, by delving deeper, I realized that I do have assumptions. Little assumptions come off through my body language (eye contact, body stiffness), and tone towards these suppositions. Reflecting back on my upbringing and living in a religious household, I realized that my own mother & her friend’s heterosexist assumptions and homophobic views were enforced onto me. This was an example of how their systems were affected by a larger (society, culture, & religious) systems. The input of religion and traditions of a man and women being a couple or together affected their output (their beliefs) onto me. For example, if I wanted to cut my hair or wear boy clothes (because they were more comfortable), I would get scolded and be questioned about my own sexuality. They impose their ideas that lesbians cut their hair & that boys do not like women with short hair. The power of this one system- religion specifically- plays out within another system- school. According to Ryan and Martin’s (2000) study “1. One significant obstacle will come from the homophobic prejudices or religious beliefs of individual school professionals and administrators (Ryan, 1998). Those schools personnel who believe that same-gender relationships are sinful or repugnant may not provide the atmosphere of acceptance that these families need” (p. 209). The complexities of educating parents and students on sexual minority families in the school system can be met with protest, denial, & unethical thoughts. But as a future educator learning, acknowledging different both parents’ and students’ subsystems and their effect on the larger system can help us understand how to deal with the unknown or their fears.

Overcoming these obstacles won’t be easy but having an open-door policy and supporting through educational opportunities to learn more about the LGTBQ community is essential. Letting parents ask questions can help educators get an insight into their own assumptions or beliefs.

THINKING: 

Looking back I was an ally, bystander, target, and perpetrator in different situations. What I would change is my entire outlook on what I thought were my assumptions and how I could revise the definition of what is an assumption to me or what is my REAL assumptions. My thinking changed after reading the assumption package, the importance of gender roles/stereotypes in today’s society, and when I analyzed myself in different roles. The reading that stood out to me the most was the assumptions on working mothers; according to Okimoto & Helman (2012) “Although balancing work and family commitments is a significant source of strain for working parents, working mothers in traditionally male positions face additional anxiety due to unfounded assumptions about their competence as employees, assumptions rooted in gender stereotypes. However, stereotype-based assumptions can also bias competence impressions of these working mothers in family domains, depicting them as bad parents” (p.704)

MODIFYING MY ECOSYSTEM:

I would use and modify my assumptions in my ecosystem by interrelating my experiences as a first-time mom and the gender stereotypes I face when seeking employment while pregnant. I can also relate to the fear I had of getting rejected and having to hide my pregnancy so more opportunities were available to me. I can also use my ecosystem to empower other mothers that success can happen. And that although it is not easy, if we push ourselves and not focus on the negative, we can do it! Going through the struggle at first, motivated me to strive for more not only for myself but for my son’s future. I would also modify my system to be receptive to the LGBTQ community, accepting their feedback, input & recommendations in making my classroom a safe space for them and their children.

In a conversation, we use a strength-based model, especially with families. We want to focus on what they are capable of doing (their gems) and not create assumptions or use deficit model thinking.

Questions:

What are your assumptions? 

When identifying your assumptions, were you an ally, perpetrator, target, or bystander?

How has an assumption prevented you from networking or building new relationships with others? 

When identifying your role, is it possible for you to change or eliminate your assumption?

References

Okimoto, T. G., & Heilman, M. E. (2012). The “Bad Parent” Assumption: How Gender Stereotypes Affect Reactions to Working Mothers. Journal of Social Issues, 68(4), 704–724. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1540-4560.2012.01772.x

Ryan, D., & Martin, A. (2000). Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Parents in the School Systems. School Psychology Review, 29(2), 207–216. https://doi.org/10.1080/02796015.2000.12086009

[originaljediinjeans]

I think here on Tumblr is the only place I “could” discuss this. If I brought it up on a Facebook support group my post might not get approved by admins because of how what I am about to describe touches on multiple sensitive issues. Also I have certain friends in those support groups that might not like seeing what I have to reveal. 

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We’ve been called “Mormons” in the past but we’re trying to step away from that. Those of you who have heard of the Church know that the Church has come under fire for its policies towards LGBTQ+ people, based on teachings that promote the traditional family and traditional marriage as the center of our lives and the thing for which we are rewarded the most in Time and Eternity for having. For very strong personal reasons I accept the Church’s teachings about the importance of marriage and family.

In the last few years I have added a good number of LGBTQ+ friends into my social circle. A few of them are very vocal about their identity and lifestyle on their online profiles. I have had good experiences with some of these people and I have grown to care about them as peers and as friends. Some of them I have stood by (mostly via internet) as they have struggled with their own mental health problems. I want to have good relationships with people from all backgrounds. There is no reason in my mind that I can’t. 

I am autistic, and I have struggled with mental illness off and on since my teen years and issues about marriage and sexuality and my beliefs about them have been at the center of a good portion of those struggles. My parents and my counselors and doctors would all tell you that I have a very “black and white” way of thinking and they are correct. For me, something either has to be all one way or all another way. I have worked very hard since I was a child to try to understand that things that are different can coexist, and things that are not all one way can be just as they are. 

There is a part of me that is always trying to reconcile having LGBTQ+ friends and associates with my faith. I have done everything I can to study the scriptures and the teachings of church leaders in order to understand the concept that the Savior taught that we must love those who are different from ourselves. He dedicated His life to making a special effort to reaching out to everyone who was outcast, downtrodden, and left behind in any way: He asks as much of me as well as everyone who follows him.  

After this last weekend’s General Conference, I saw the usual backlash on the internet against how certain topics were addressed by the General Authorities. I admit, it was enough to trigger a meltdown. I was able to pull myself out of it. I came to the conclusion that the issue with myself is that I am not ‘homophobic’ as much as I have anxiety about certain topics. I wonder how much homophobia itself is related to actual anxiety etc, but that is not the main issue here. The main issue here is me and how I feel. 

I don’t want to “hate” people for who they are. And I don’t. But I have two seperate lines of thinking when it comes to my LGBTQ+ friends: 

One: I love and respect them and I am so grateful that I can be friends with people who are different from me

Two: I do not approve of the lifestyle choices of people that I am acquainted with because my Church teaches that sexual relations are only legitimate between a man and woman legally married. 

I have to carry those two mindsets in my interactions with certain people--I think it’s partly due to the fact that I’m autistic that sometimes I can’t deal well with the effort of being, in a sense, “double-minded.” It can feel exhausting because I’m trying to resist my natural tendency to think only one way. But I come from a church and a culture that teaches that basic values should not, cannot be compromised, and that only reinforces my mental rigidity, and that makes accepting other ideas harder. I confess sometimes that rigidity lends itself to feelings of anger and hate--but I don’t like to dwell on them. I don’t want to.

I hate reading or hearing that my opinions about anything are wrong, even if it’s not directly addressed to me. But I have a growing paranoia that I’m going to get hate for my opinions anyway (but if it comes because of this post so be it--I have honest concerns and I need to address them and I hope the right people find this post).

A lot of what I see on the internet tells me that my church is wrong about everything: about sexuality, about gender differences, about the leadership, I could go on for quite a while. There are people who question how it is “fair” that the highest rituals of our religion are exclusive to people who do as the Church teaches. There are people who protest that if God’s love is so universal and far-reaching that they should be allowed to have full participation in the Church regardless of their sexual behavior. There are many who claim that the Church wants them to “suffer” rather than have fulfillment from romantic and sexual relations with people they are attracted to. All of those concerns are valid. I don’t know the answers to all of their questions. However, I don’t think that questions or other people’s complaints are a reason to abandon faith. 

My biggest concern is that as much as I “love and respect” my LGBTQ+ friends, I feel hypocritical and evil for associating with them because I have negative feelings towards their way of life. I feel like a bad person because I don’t “love” them unconditionally, or that I have to pick and choose how to love them. I think I am being fake with them. I have always been concerned about these friendships at least in theory but now I am an adult and being able to deal or not deal with them is going to have real consequences. 

(Yeah, it’s Satan, I know).

When I was younger, I had the assumption that I was supposed to not interact with people who were immoral in any way, that it would make me “unclean”. I have since learned, of course, that that attitude is very wrong. I get that there are plenty of people in my church who treat LGBTQ+ people very poorly and I know that that has caused serious problems--some of my LGBTQ+ friends are from that background. I know that Jesus Christ would never condone members of His Church being unkind to others just because of their sexual orientation. 

(Side comment that may hurt the validity of my quandry: I know that it sounds like the General Authorities of my church are talking down about LGBTQ+ people, or at least saying things that sound hurtful or aren’t what people like to hear, but the Church has always taught that we need to show love and kindness to all people, that we are all children of our Heavenly Father, and that being disdainful of others who commit sin is not the right way, even if we aren’t trying to make them “repent.” Those teachings are still valid even if the members don’t always live it. Also, back in 2015 the Church supported legislation in Utah to promote equal housing and employment for LGBTQ+ people, and the Church recently supported a hate crimes bill in Utah that includes protections for LGBTQ+ persons. I feel that the Church is trying to promote peaceful relationships and equal rights for access to basic needs). 

I have a very real paranoia that if my LGBTQ+ friends knew how I “really” felt, they would abandon me. I belong to a church that is actively seeking to put them down, in their minds, and the flawed culture of imperfect members is hard to disentangle from Church policy. I have a very real compulsion to “out” my “problematic” side and just get it over with, to post here on Tumblr or on Facebook that I am a “toxic” person who should be shunned. In fact, since last October I have been tempted to commit suicide over the mere possibility that this ugly beast exists in my soul. 

(Yeah, that’s definitely Satan)

I still believe that homosexual behavior is a sin. I have no intention of leaving the Church or criticizing its leaders, even if they are imperfect. But I accept that same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria is a reality for many people, and there is nothing wrong with those feelings in themselves, even though living in a world dominated by cishet people is very difficult. I also know that Heavenly Father does not approve of homophobia. The “natural man” is the one that gives in to fear, anger, and hatred. 

But there are people who would interpret my religious views as homophobic no matter how I felt about them as individuals. I am afraid that the people that I am actually friends with might think of me as homophobic merely for belonging to this Church and for accepting some of its teachings. And there are people who think that if I don’t unconditionally “accept” and support their sexual lifestyle choices that I don’t truly “accept” them. I’m afraid of my own homophobia and it hurts. I’m afraid of attitudes of hatred and prejudice taking over me and then costing me my relationships with other people. 

I am afraid that as we get closer to the Second Coming that the conflict between people fighting for what they believe are their rights and the Church trying to stand its ground will get very heated. I don’t know how that’s going to affect me but I’m not looking forward to it. However, I don’t want to worry about that now. And I shouldn’t. My life is better for my relationships with people who are different from me, including those of differing sexual orientation. I know that my Savior has commanded me to love other people the way that He loves--loving them for who they are and encouraging them to follow Him--and I want to. 

I just really need help reconciling my feelings, or at least knowing that such reconciliation is possible. I’m not concerned about doing the right thing as much as am I going to be okay and do my LGBTQ+ friends really accept me without me having to compromise my beliefs? These issues put me under a lot of mental and emotional pressure. What is it going to take for me to be strong enough to withstand it?

Sincerely, Me, a person who struggles with mental illness and wants to do right by the people she cares about

Please interact: open-minded people who are religious/spiritual, Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, people with knowledge or experience of mental illness, LGBTQ+ people who are more tolerant of religious people; people who have struggled with similar thoughts or fears a plus

DO NOT INTERACT: athiests and exmos, antis, etc., anyone who just wants to talk down to me about my beliefs or “educate” me; also far-right religious people who misinterpret religious beliefs to justify homophobia