#- Things to Do in Nairobi | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

illdowhatiwantthanks · 8 months ago

Text

Left Unsaid

Amelia Shepherd x fem!reader Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI, angst (happy ending!), sex, fingering, explicit language, surgery times (duh), (let me know if I missed anything!) Word count: 1.8k

Summary: You used to be Dr. Shepherd's favorite resident, but something had happened in the last month that drove you further apart than ever. Will it get resolved (hint: yes, it does)?

“You, out!”

You stood, flabbergasted, in full scrub, suctioning blood out of someone’s brain-deep head wound. The OR had gone deathly silent, and if they could’ve seen your face under your surgical mask, they would have seen you blushing bright red.

All you’d done was ask a question. All you’d wanted to know was why Dr. Shepherd had gone after the brain bleed at the angle she did, because it wasn’t the angle you’d expected. You were a surgical resident. Asking questions is what you were supposed to do.

“Dr. Shepherd, I–”

“Uh-uh. You? Out of here. You’re distracting me, Y/L/N. And if you can’t focus on saving this man’s life, you don’t need to be in here.”

Frustrated and more than a little embarrassed, you handed off the suction tube to another resident and quickly burst through the doors and into the scrub room, washing your hands furiously. You felt like crying. You didn’t know what was going on these days.

During your intern year, you’d gotten really close with Dr. Shepherd. She’d sort of take you under her wing, said you had the right mind and hands for neuro. You worked well together, almost read each other’s thoughts sometimes, it seemed. But the last month or so, she’d all but banished you from her service.

You knew part of it had to be Webber’s new initiative for “well-rounded surgeons,” a new protocol where residents were cycled between attendings at random, with no favoritism or preference allowed. But even when you were assigned to neuro, Dr. Shepherd always put you on the other neurosurgeon’s service. She hardly talked to you at all.

You wondered if you’d done something wrong, something to completely ruin the mentorship–no, the friendship–you’d felt like you were forming with Dr. Shepherd. Not only did you miss her company, miss working with her, but you missed neuro.

You spent the rest of your day on neuro doing glorified scut alongside the interns. Humiliating. And when you finally went home, you wanted nothing more than to collapse on the couch and order Chinese food. But a text from your cohort group chat reminded you that tonight was the annual Surgeons for Surgeons benefit gala. And unless you wanted to be fired, you’d have to show up, bells on, ready to mix and mingle and convince Seattle’s rich and famous to donate to the program that connected Seattle-Grace with its partner hospital in Nairobi.

You stared at yourself in the mirror before leaving. Thanks to a very artful layer of makeup, you looked a little less exhausted than you really were. And you had to admit, you looked good in a suit.

By the time you and your friends arrived at the gala, things were in full swing. Wine, music, twinkling lights, the whole shebang. You were determined to have fun with your friends, despite whatever weird stuff was going on with Dr. Shepherd. You’d had a few glasses of wine, had danced with a few other residents, and had generally avoided Dr. Shepherd, even though once or twice you’d caught her watching you. Let her feel bad, you thought. She was out of line.

But when you were on your way back from the bathroom, a hand shot out of a hallway and gently grabbed your arm.

“Jesus, Dr. Shepherd,” you complained, straightening your suit as she crossed her arms and looked at you, leaning against the hallway wall.

“Sorry,” she muttered. “You just…” She threw up her hands. “You’ve been avoiding me all night. I didn’t know how else to talk to you.”

You raised your eyebrows. “I’ve been avoiding you!?” You scoffed. “Dr. Shepherd, you haven’t talked to me in over a month. I went from being the de facto neuro resident to being bottom of the barrel in your OR. So forgive me if I’m not jumping at the opportunity to chat with you.”

Dr. Shepherd looked at the ground. “I know. I’m sorry.”

You sighed. “Look, I don’t care if we’re friends, okay? I– I would have liked it. I like you. But my career comes first. And whatever’s going on with us got in the way of that today. So whatever I did to upset you, I’m sorry. Okay? But I love neuro. And I’m good at it. You don’t have to talk to me ever, outside of work, but you cannot keep me from surgery.”

You started to walk away, but she stopped you.

“Y/N!” she called, grabbing your hand and holding it for just a moment too long. You were taken aback by her use of your first name. She always called you Dr. Y/L/N. “I don’t want that.”

“Okay…” You shrugged. “So put me back on your service.”

“No, I mean…” She exhaled sharply and stared at the ceiling. “I don’t want to be friends with you.”

You’d be lying if you said it didn’t sting. You liked Dr. Shepherd. You really liked her. You thought she’d liked you. You thought that in another life… But it didn’t matter now.

“Message received,” you said, avoiding her eyes.

“God, that’s not what I meant. I’m fucking this up.” She looked at you almost like she was in pain. As if there were words she just couldn’t get out. “What the hell,” she finally mumbled, then grabbed the sides of your face and kissed you.

To say you were surprised would be an understatement. But her lips felt so good against yours, her hands warm and soft against your skin. This was what Dr. Shepherd had wanted with you, why she’d been avoiding you. And, if you were honest with yourself, it was what you’d wanted to, you’d just been too scared to let yourself admit it.

You wrapped your arms around her waist, pressing her into the wall to deepen the kiss. She whined into your mouth, her tongue fighting for entrance, and you knew–by the arousal shooting down through your very core, the wetness pooling in your underwear–that this would not end here tonight. Amelia’s arms snaked underneath your blazer, searching for skin.

“Why do you have so many clothes on?” Amelia muttered breathlessly, painstakingly unbuttoning the collar of your dress shirt, then continuing on to the lower ones.

“Whoa!” You grabbed her wrists, pushing them away. “We’re in a public hallway, Dr. Shepherd.”

She huffed, pulling you by the arm into the closest room, which turned out to be some poor soul’s vacated office at this event venue. She slammed the door, taking her own turn to push you against a surface. It took your breath away.

“Don’t call me Dr. Shepherd when we’re about to have sex,” she said, trailing kisses down your neck.

“Fine, Amelia,” you retorted, and she smiled into a kiss. She liked a little sass in a woman.

With one hand, you rolled her nipple between your fingers. With the other, you moved slowly down her body, gently pulling up her dress to slip a hand into her underwear.

She gasped as you brushed lightly over her clit. “Fuck,” she breathed, throwing her head back. You smiled, happy to have a little power. Amelia might have all the power in the OR, but you had all the power here. You could tell by the way her hips rolled toward you, by the way she leaned heavily on the desk at her back–she wanted you bad.

She breathed heavily, squeezing your arms as she pushed her hips into you, desperate for the friction, the pressure. You grinned wickedly and removed your hand, licking her arousal off your fingers.

“Y/N!” she protested, glaring at you.

“Hmm.” You pretended to be thinking deeply, circling the rest of her vulva so that you were close, so close, to where she needed you, but not quite there. “You know what? I bet this feels a lot like being knee deep in a surgery and then being pulled for no reason at all.”

“I said I was sorry! Please, Y/N.” You had her squirming and writhing and you were getting drunk off her desperation.

You pushed two of your fingers into her warmth, already so wet, so ready for you, and she moaned. “I mean, I guess, if you insist.” You smirked at her, loving to see her lose control. She was always so in control at work. It was honestly something you admired about her. But right now? All you wanted was to see her coming apart.

There was a part of you that wanted to tell all the residents, to tell everyone that you were fucking Dr. Amelia Shepherd. But there was another part of you–deeper, softer, more you–that wanted to keep her all to yourself. Because some part of you knew that it wasn’t just sex, no matter how much easier it’d be if it was.

Amelia’s breathing grew ragged, her walls pulsing around you and you knew she was close. You circled her clit with your thumb, and she thrust her hips up into your touch, chest heaving, legs shaking. And when she finally, finally hit her peak, you scooped your arm around her back to hold her up, keeping your rhythm steady until she came down, resting her head on your shoulder, a thin sheen of sweat on her face.

“Fuck!” she breathed, lifting her head to grin at you and tuck your hair behind your hair. “Your hands.”

“That’s why I’m such a good surgeon.” You winked at her.

“That’s why you’re good at a number of things, apparently.” Amelia pulled her underwear up, straightening her dress.

“Well,” she shrugged. “Should we go back in?”

You scoffed. “I’m certainly not.”

“Why?!”

“Are you kidding me!? There’s a fucking lake in my underwear right now. I gotta go home.”

Amelia smirked, pulling you down by your collar for another kiss. You couldn’t take much more of this. You needed her. Or a vibrator. Or a dildo. Or something.

“You want help?” she asked, playing with the hair at the nape of your neck.

You blushed. The tables had turned all of a sudden, and she was the one with the power now. “Yeah,” you said quietly. “Yeah, that’d be… that’d be good.”

She laced her hand in yours, squeezing it. “Take me home, Dr. Y/L/N.”

“What if someone sees us!?” you hissed, looking both ways out the office door.

“We’ll slip out the back.”

“Sneaky.” You nodded. “I like this side of you.”

Glancing furtively around, she leaned forward and sunk her teeth into your neck, taking you by surprise. You gasped.

She pressed her lips against your ear. “I’ve got a lot of sides you haven’t seen yet.”

God, you couldn’t wait to see them.

#amelia shepherd #amelia shepherd fanfic #amelia shepherd x reader #amelia shepherd x fem!reader #grey's anatomy #grey's anatomy fanfic #amelia shepherd smut #amelia shepherd angst

335 notes · View notes

vague-humanoid · 1 month ago

Text

The familiar narrative is that artificial intelligence will take away human jobs: machine-learning will let cars, computers and chatbots teach themselves - making us humans obsolete.

Well, that's not very likely, and we're gonna tell you why. There's a growing global army of millions toiling to make AI run smoothly. They're called "humans in the loop:" people sorting, labeling, and sifting reams of data to train and improve AI for companies like Meta, OpenAI, Microsoft and Google. It's gruntwork that needs to be done accurately, fast, and - to do it cheaply – it's often farmed out to places like Africa –

Naftali Wambalo: The robots or the machines, you are teaching them how to think like human, to do things like human.

We met Naftali Wambalo in Nairobi, Kenya, one of the main hubs for this kind of work. It's a country desperate for jobs… because of an unemployment rate as high as 67% among young people. So Naftali, father of two, college educated with a degree in mathematics, was elated to finally find work in an emerging field: artificial intelligence.

63 notes · View notes

depressopax · 10 months ago

Text

La casa de papel NSFW alphabet

Fandom - La casa de papel/Money Heist

Part 3 - From K-O

»» Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 4 ««

Pairing: Nairobi - Berlin - Denver - Tokyo - Professor - Alicia Sierra - x gender neutral reader Genre: Smut, headcanons Warning(s): Sexual content! MDNI. Sub/dom, (semi) public, possessiveness, mentions of mommy kinks, Words: 1.7K Summary: NSFW alphabet challenge D-F. What are the LCDP characters like in bed? English is not my main language, if I make any spelling mistakes please let me know so I can improve my writing! <3 || AO3 link || Masterlist || Request ||

Nairobi

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Sub/dom & authority (in which she is more of a soft domme)

Sex toys (...especially strap-ons 🤭)

Praise & degradation

Breeding

Semi/Public sex

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Preferably in bed

To provide you both comfort and give you good aftercare

Like I’ve said in earlier parts, she won’t mind being a bit risky and doing it in public places ;)

Especially to make you scream her name to let people know who you belong too

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Everything from big romantic/cheesy gestures

…To simple things such as you wearing skimpy clothes or trying to rile her up - she likes it when you act all needy and horny for her

A good, long foreplay gets her going too.

Teasing each other in public

Bonus: Homegirl ain’t scared to slide her hand down your underwears when at a restaurant just to see you flustered “I can't wait to strip you out of those clothes later.”

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Threesomes or “sharing” you

It’s a big NO

You’re hers, and the thought of someone else touching you the way she does? It doesn’t sit right with her

Anything that makes you uncomfortable turns her off tbh

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Likes both equally

That’s why she likes 69ing with you lol

Very passionate when giving you

Will have you on the couch, leg spread wide whilst she goes down

And B O Y she’s good

When receiving, she loves bringing you to your knees

That way, she can place her legs over your shoulders for her own comfort

…And tease you by squeezing her thighs around you and force you in place

Very loud when receiving, and demanding

If you have longer hair she’ll pull it slightly and guide your head

And VERY praising afterwards

Berlin

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Bondage

Impact play

Dom/sub & discipline

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

The bed, the couch, against the kitchen counter/table…

Prefers a bit privacy

So anywhere at home where he can bend you over will do it

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Simply… You.

And his own fantasies.

Just imagining what he wants to do with you

Or what he wants YOU to do to him, gets him going.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Threesomes and cuckolding

Anything that has to do with sharing you

Seriously, he’ll get seriously offended if you suggest it 😭

Doesn’t like humiliation, neither on you or him

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Homeboy passionate AF

He adores and worships every single inch of you, so ofc he gives you a lot of attention… Down there ;)

He can spend hours giving you oral pleasure

Not only to satisfy you, but because he genuinely gets turned on from going down on someone. It brings him pleasure too

He loves receiving too

Will have you on your knees, loving the sight of you so submissive and eager to please him

Pushing into your warm mouth, rewarding you with praise and LOUD grunts and moans

He hates being the guy to fuck your face

…But if he gets too into it/eager? He’ll do it and not even feel sorry afterwards

He makes up for your gagging and sore throat afterwards tho 🤭

Denver

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Dirty talking

Roleplay

…Breeding ;)

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Anywhere, any time, ALL THE TIME.

He’s a horny guy, what can he say?

If you’re horny, he won’t let you be all bothered

If you’re in public he’ll find a somewhat private spot where you can take care of each other's “problems” ;)

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Y O U

He’s easy to turn on

Kinda pervy when it comes to you, just watching you suck on a lollipop or ice-cream will have him aroused tbh 😭

Nudes too

If you’re comfortable sending them ofc

It’s the biggest motivation EVER, he adores and loves worshiping your naked body

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He’s not that kinky, so anything that is too “extreme” is not it.

Not that fond off BDSM etc

He’ll try it if you are into it, but it’s not for him

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

He prefers receiving tbh

Your warm lips wrapped around his cock works like a charm.

Stressed? Sad? Happy? Angry? Blowjobs!!! 🤪

Still likes giving too

Especially when you show your appreciation with sweet moans

It boosts his ego to know he can make you sound like that

Just love to make you feel good.

Tokyo

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Worship & praise

Degradation

Sex toys

Semi/public sex

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Doesn’t matter really

If she wants you - she NEEDS you, right there, right now

Doesn’t mind fucking you in a dirty restroom if she’s horny for you

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Your presence alone is enough tbh

She is extremely attracted to you and everything you do turns her on

When you bend down to pick something up, smiling at her from across the room…

Touch is her love language, and she loves hugging you

Her hands wandering to your ass, thighs or stomach, feeling your body under her palms… It drives her crazy

Or if you do the same on her.

She melts under your touch and craves more.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Anything where you could end up hurt

Sure she likes to be a bit wild, but your comfort is still prioritized.

She hates the thought of you bruised up in any way (except from hickeys, which she loves giving and receiving)

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Prefers receiving

Just being able to sit back down and enjoy watching your mouth working on her pussy

Tokyo is the person to grind against your mouth

VERY loud too, and praising.

When giving - she likes surprising you

For example dropping to her knees when your least expect it and then work her way down

And she’s good at it too

Professor

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

Authority

Roleplay

Dom/sub (in which he prefers being submissive)

Worship & praise

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Sergio is a classy man 💅

Prefers the bed, it’s the most comfy option, after all.

He prefers slow, passionate session in the bedroom

If he’s feeling extra wild he’ll do it in the couch or shower 🤭

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

You teasing him

…Or purposely trying to turn him on - It works.

When you make him feel hot and wanted.

Homeboy have low self-esteem, so you touching him, telling him he’s sexy/good-looking etc not only makes him feel good about himself…

But also flusters him and turns him on 🥹

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

I feel like he is pretty “vanilla”

He is more of a sub, so he prefers it if you are taking charge tho

Likes experimenting but a big no for him is:

Humiliation, pain and being rude/disrespectful towards you

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Prefers giving

He thinks it’s fascinating how you enjoy his oral skills so much

The first times were messy and awkward but he quickly learnt what you liked and improved his skills

His tongue and mouth *chefs kiss*

Could spend hours between your legs, watching you go crazy from something he’s doing

Won’t say no to receiving tho 👀

He’s not so picky, just you wanting to give him a blowjob turns him on

He’ll hold a gentle hand on the back of your head

You will earn some grunts and soft moans from his

Alicia Sierra

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

This one either makes a lot of sense, or not at all.

Mommy kink

Said it before, but she is a domme

She doesn’t necessarily ask you to call her “Mommy”

But still, she likes the thought of dominating you but doing so in a soft way

She’ll absolutely destroy you in bed, whilst whispering words of encouragement and getting turned on by your whimpers and moans

…And even by those pretty tears in your eyes as she edges and overstims you.

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Bedroom

She prefers intimacy and privacy

Since she is a bit rougher she wants to provide you with some type of comfort, such as having you on bed, having a pillow behind your back or under your lower abdominal

Although, she’s keen on the idea of taking you in public places if you’re both in the mood, or if you’ve “been bad” ;)

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Turning her on is not a challenge

Wear something revealing - or better, nothing at all! - and she’s ready to take you.

You’re a treasure to her and so beautiful, how can she not be horny for you?

Makes sure to rile you up too

With her wearing tops to show off her cleavage, whispering to you how badly she wants to fuck you…

She also adores you being bratty. She sometimes ignores your need on purpose just to have you cry and turn into a whiny bitch to receive attention

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Yes, she likes being rough, but there are limits

She wouldn’t do something that could hurt you or inflict pain

Anything with blood etc is a big no for her

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

Prefers giving

But she expects you to do something in return, to thank her.

Absolutely drives you insane with her skilled tongue and warm lips, finding all the right places and spots to make you scream her name

Knows how to make you cum quickly and her goal is to at least give you 1-2 orgasms

She’s demanding when receiving.

Will have you lay down and sit on your face, grinding it and guiding the movements of your tongue and lips

Loves making you a mess and watching your swollen lips and the way her juices drips on your chin

Rough, fast movements over you as she praises you

Swells with pride as she sees the mess she’s made out of her perfect partner, knowing that you’re hers, and hers only.

178 notes · View notes

writingbyshiloh · 10 months ago

Text

Medical Drill

Summary: Just more Team Germany stuff in the Toledo House

CW: smoking, FEM! Reader (referred to as “pretty lady”), general Berlin-ness, secret relationships, implied previous smut

AN: I ADORE Moscow so he’s featured in this. If it is disjointed it's bc I wrote half a month ago and another half while making bread. No beta. @soraya-daydreams <3.

WC: 1.65

You rub your eyes, trying to adjust to the darkness of your room and what must have happened to wake you up so fast. The curtain you drew last night is firmly in place, all your belongings are where they should be. You start to lay your head back down. You bolt upright when you hear another knock on your door followed by the Professor stage whispering.

“Vienna! We need you! Something happened to Moscow! He can’t breathe!”

There is a high chance it’s a drill. You tell yourself. If something is wrong, he will be in your room shaking you awake.

With a sigh, you heave yourself out of your bed and start rummaging through the “medical kits” scattered around your room. The real ones for the heist are still being assembled, so you have old books ranging from Care and Keeping of Farm Animals, to Don Quixote, labelled by which kit they are and the supposed contents. The order of them generally goes from the head down, no.1 being head injuries, no.2 and no.3 being neck and heart respectively. You pluck no.4 - lungs - off the floor and sprint out of your room. The hall is quiet, meaning Moscow must be at the checkpoint with the Professor.

You wince slightly as the steps creek while you run down them. But if you can’t get any sleep, you don’t feel back about the others waking up. Stumbling out the house door you don't even register the temperature change and just keep running.

Moscow and the Professor are sitting at the outside table quietly talking, while every few seconds the Professor looks at his stopwatch. The night is warm with a clear sky so they don’t seem to mind being awake. You run faster outside, trying to make up for lost time. Slaming the “medical kit” on the table you look up at the Professor (ignoring his wincing at how you treat the medical kit) to get your reaction time.

“This says number 5 on it.” Moscow tells you. You almost break your neck with how fast you turn your head to look at the book. You see the clear Medical Kit 4 label and look back at Moscow to see if he actually is having a medical emergency. He lets out a small laugh and pats your arm as if to apologize for pranking you. You feel yourself smile despite the early hours of the morning.

“I’m just messing with you. You did well.” He says. You don’t have it in you to be mad at him, and lightly push his shoulder to let him know you see the funny side.

“Well, good yes. It’s faster than last week's drill. However, in a heist, every moment is crucial to treat the hostages.” The professor tells you moving his fist to articulate his point. Pulling out a seat you sit next to Moscow, who offers you a cigarette. You nod and he hands you one and his lighter. You force yourself to nod and pay attention to the impromptu lecture knowing you’ll never have to work again in a few months.

The professor only has a few more comments, things you make mental notes about to try next time before he bids you a good (but quite early) morning and leaves to prepare for the class day.

“Thanks for doing this,” you say quietly.

“I used to wake up at 4 in the morning for the mines. This is nothing for me.” Moscow tells you.

“Mind if I sit with you for a moment? I’m wide awake now, I don’t think I could sleep.”

Moscow nods and you lapse into a comfortable silence. Moscow is kind to you and praises you in front of Denver for getting an education to gently tease his son. He has ended up being your partner for many heist-related team exercises. At first, it was because his son kept ditching him to team up with Nairobi or Tokyo, but now you prefer to work with him over anyone else. Berlin is a close second.

“How are things going with your boyfriend?” He asks lighting up another cigarette. You frown thinking over his words while you watch the cherry of the cigarette burn. You don’t tell anyone about previous partners you’ve had before joining the heist, trying to keep going through with the future and ignoring your past.

“My who?”

Moscow turns his head to see if you’re joking with him. When he seems you’re not he continues “C'mon, you know. The other half of Team Germany.” He adds extra empathy to the team bit.

You drop your gaze down to your cigarette in the ashtray. Moscow places his hand on your shoulder and gives it a small squeeze. You like Moscow, he’s like one of those uncles who aren’t blood-related but always there for you. He dances with you after three beers and tells you corny jokes.

“I, um, we have been ‘seeing each other’ for a few months.” You say, using air quotes to describe the nature of your relation to the leader of the heist. Moscow shows no anger or judgement, just his kind eyes so you keep going.

“It’s supposed to be causal. And I’m keeping it that way ‘cause who knows what will happen inside the mint. I can see why he was married five times. Part of me wants to go along with it, even after the heist. But I can't risk ruining the money.”

“Are you going to tell him?”

You sigh, watching the wind blow through the bushes. You tell yourself you will but there are so many what-ifs it's hard.

“I’ll decide when we're all on the boat.”

Moscow looks like he has something to add, but isn't sure if he should say it. When he opens his mouth to speak, all that comes out is a bad cough. You rub your hand over his back as he hunches over, carefully watching and waiting before you offer him water or a cough suppressant. Much to your dismay, he resisted, trying to get back to the conversation between you.

"What were you saying?" he asks.

"I can't remember." you lie, and Moscow is kind enough to understand the topic of the conversation entirely.

“Let me cheer you up. Have you heard the one about the doctor and the teacup?"

You turn to look at him, excited for whatever it could be.

“Darling, you look exhausted,” Naririobi says joining you at the table for a lunch break. You nod slowly as if each movement is exhausting you, which isn't far from the truth.

“There was a medical drill last night. I couldn’t sleep after.” You tell her. She nods sympathetically as you reach for another glass of water.

“Go and nap. I’ll wake you before class starts,” she says. Thanking her you push your chair into the table and start to make your way to the stairs.

You’re so close to your bed that you can almost feel the soft pillow under your head when a hand reaches for your wrist. Too tired to question or pull your hand back you just follow the hand to an arm clad in an expensive suit jacket, to a handsome face.

You blink slowly, not to be seductive but to try and get some moisture back into your tired eyes. It helps but also puts you closer to an eye twitch.

“Hey pretty lady, where are you going?” he asks quietly. Everyone else is downstairs eating or outside to enjoy the summer but you appreciate his commitment to keeping it hidden.

“To bed.”

You watch his lips curve into a sharp smile, thinking you’re going to take him with you.

“In the middle of the day? When is everyone awake? That’s risky for you.” He gently twists your wrist so he can kiss the back of your hand. “I like it.”

“I’m going to my bed, alone, to nap,” you correct him, making no moves to pull your wrist back.

“How much time did the Professor say was an efficient nap? 20 minutes?” he twists his wrist to check his watch, shaking your arm in the process. “You can nap and we still have another 30 to spend together.”

He chuckles as you shift your weight, seriously considering his proposal.

The rapid heavy thumps of footsteps on the stairs make Berlin drop your hand and turn around. You bend at your side to peep over his shoulder to see who is coming. Denver comes into view first, with Moscow starting to loom behind him.

You see Denver nudge Moscow to start speaking, some questions addressed to Berlin, something about the phone that will be wired to the Professor.

“As you can see, I’m talking to Vienna right now,” Berlin says, turning back to you. He looks apologetic that your time together will have to be cut short.

You wave a hand in front of your face. “I have to nap anyway. We'll continue this later?”

Berlin smiles at your words, hearing the subtext in them and nodding in agreement. Turning back to the other men, you’re sure he’s still smiling. As he and Denver descend the stairs, Moscow catches your eye and gives you a friendly wink. One that just screams I was young once too.

Face burning, you rush into your room, kick off your shoes and settle into bed. Even though you know you won’t be able to fall asleep now.

#berlin x reader #andrés de fonollosa x reader #andres de fonollosa x reader #money heist x reader #lcdp x reader #x reader #reader insert

123 notes · View notes

sunflowervoltwentyeight · 1 year ago

Text

Hello! This is a fic rec of my all-time favorite fics. These fics have really stuck with me over the years, and I've read many of them multiple times. This is an ongoing fic rec, that I will continue to update. These fics are organized by word count from longest to shortest. You can view my other fic recs here. Enjoy!

Of Mates and Men by bananaheathen / @bananaheathen (630k)

In which, Louis and Harry meet as best men for their best friends' wedding... well... sort of.

Or, the one where Harry's just moved back from New York and Louis doesn't believe in romance.

Or, I guess... the one where Zayn and Liam are getting married.

Hiding Place by orphan_account (365k)

Louis never wanted a soulmate, didn’t really care for the whole Bonding thing at all, really. Enter Harry Styles, who’s wanted to be Bonded for as long as he could remember. With one fateful meeting in an X Factor bathroom, Louis gets a dagger on his arm and the realization that just because Harry is his soulmate doesn’t mean it’s mutual.

From the X Factor house to Madison Square Garden, from the Fountain Studios stage to stadiums across the world, Louis has to learn to love without losing himself completely, because someday his best friend will Bond to someone and replace Louis as the center of his universe. Meanwhile, Harry begins to think that maybe fate doesn’t actually know what it’s doing after all, because his other half has clearly been right in front of him the whole time. All he has to do now is convince Louis to give them a chance.

Or, the canon compliant Harry and Louis love story from the very beginning, where the only difference is that the love between them is literally written on their skin, and there’s only so much they can hide.

You Can Hear It In The Silence by imogenelee / @imogenleefic (234k)

When Harry Styles was accepted into a post-grad degree, he knew he could no longer afford his flat, leaving him with three options: 1) Move back into student halls. 2) Become homeless. 3) Move in with his best (and only) friend, Niall, and three of Niall's other mates. He went with the third option. But it was a close race. Shame one of his roommates reminded him why he only has one friend. If there is one thing Louis Tomlinson can't stand, it's pretentious tossers, having grown up around enough of them. If there is one thing he can't live without, it would be his friends. So he was proper thrilled to move in with his best mates and a couple of other lads. That was until he discovered one of them was the archetype for a pretentious tosser.

In the interest of seeing out the twelve-month lease without killing each other, they both try (debatable) to get along despite believing they are opposite in almost every conceivable way, each having the communication skills of a cucumber, and secrets that have no business be kept secret.

One More Time Again by orphan_account (232k)

Harry looks down to where Louis is cradling his hand between his own. Louis' hands are slender, the bones delicate, the nails bitten short. The 2-8 on the backs of his fingers is gone, but the faded scar from a skateboarding mishap in Year 7 is still there.

Harry's hand is awkward, knobby-boned and naked, no rings, no tattoos. It's too big for his wrist and his wrist too big for his arm. Yet it still somehow fits in Louis' in the painfully perfect way it always did.

He blinks back the sting in his eyes.

On the morning of his second sold-out performance at Madison Square Garden, Harry wakes up to find that he's sixteen years old, on The X Factor, and that he has a chance to make things right.

A canon-compliant fix-it fic (sort of).

Stranger Stars by shaylea (212k)

Five years ago, Africa offered a grieving Louis Tomlinson an escape from an England he couldn't tolerate. Now it's become home as he leads overland tours across the continent with his best friend and driver Zayn Malik. What's meant to be just another ordinary six-week trip from Cape Town to Nairobi turns into anything but, when future lawyer/current photographer and songwriter Harry Styles and his friends join Louis' latest set of passengers.

Given A Chance by fabby / @fabby1d (173k)

Five years after One Direction took their last tour, the last thing Louis Tomlinson ever expected to happen while on a tea run at the local Piggly Wiggly was to run into his ex-boyfriend and ex-bandmate Harry Styles.

The odds of them ever running into each other again had to be super slim, right?

Wrong.

What happens when you mix ex-boyfriends with a large serving of Small Town America? Will Louis and Harry be able to set aside their differences, or will Louis be able to stay breezy as fuck in the wake of Harry’s arrival?

(or, the one where Louis and Harry run into each other five years after One Direction ends and learn how to love each other again. Featuring: Reggie as the overweight labrador, Niall as Louis’ last grip on reality, and Nowheresville, North Carolina as the setting for Louis’ worst nightmare to come true.)

The Wonderlands by stylinsoncity / @aliensingucci (150k)

"Somewhere between chaos and control — these are the wonderlands."

Harry's daughter, Andy, is signed to Louis' girl band. Her path to success is marked by competition, chaos, and for Harry, a love affair.

As You Are by Zarah5 (139k)

AU. Five years after The X Factor launched his career as a radio host and songwriter, Louis Tomlinson returns as a judge. Falling for a contestant is the last thing he needs. It's also against his contract.

The only reason Harry auditions for The X Factor is because his best mate signed the two of them up as some kind of joke. Harry doesn't get the big deal—not until he's faced with this season's judges and realises that one of them used to be his desperate, impossible teenage crush.

Unbelievers by isthatyoularry / @isthatyoularry (136k)

It’s Louis’ senior year, and he’s dead set on doing it right. However, along with his pair of cleats, a healthy dose of sarcasm and his ridiculous best friend, he’s also got a complicated family, a terrifyingly uncertain future, and a mortal enemy making his life just that much worse. Mortal enemies “with benefits” was not exactly the plan.

Or: The one where Louis and Harry definitely aren’t friends, and football is everything.

Empty Skies by green_feelings / @greenfeelings (134k)

For three years, Harry has been running from his past. Now, he is moving to London and pledges to fulfil his only dream – making it big in the music industry. Not everyone has a place, though, and the competition is tough. As is his past catching up on him.Louis is part of the biggest boy band of the world, and getting there had meant a lot of hard work, as well as sacrificing parts of his heart and soul. He’s still happy. Maybe not as happy as he could be, but who is he to complain?

Let's Fall in Love in a Place You Want to Stay by embro (134k)

A George of the Jungle / Tarzan AU where Louis is a model who meets Wild Man Harry in the Congo. He was raised by apes and barely speaks a word of English and turns Louis' life upside down.

Love Is A Rebellious Bird by 100percentsassy, Gloria_Andrews / @gloriaandrews (134k)

AU in which the boys still make music. Louis is the concertmaster of the London Symphony Orchestra, Harry is the New! and Exciting! interim conductor/ex-cello prodigy who "has made Mozart cool again" according to Esquire Magazine (Louis hates him immediately, which is definitely why he internet stalked him in his dark bedroom late at night that one time), and Niall is the best. Zayn and Liam are around too.

Don't hum Bolero.

Oxford AU Series by stylinsoncity / @aliensingucci (130k)

Come As You Are (77k) “I think it could be like this all the time,” Harry says. “I know it doesn’t make sense but I think you should consider it. I could make you happy if you let me.” louis is a professor of literature at oxford and harry is his newest and most eager protege. both are caught in a story about forbidden love, loss and second chances, in which one is on the brink of heartbreak and the other comes along when he's needed most. Overwhelmingly You (47k) more reflections post-oxford. Notes on Oxford (5k) glimpses at life before, during and beyond oxford, in no particular order

Wild Love bypurpledaisy / @harrydaisy (130k)

“Good,” Julia says, clearly pleased to have them both uncomfortable and unable to look at each other. “Now, I only have one more question before you can go. What are you planning to do when this experiment ruins your friendship?”

“We said we’d stay friends no matter what,” Harry says smoothly, his chin lifting in defense.

“That was our one thing going into it,” Louis agrees. “Stay friends no matter what.”

Julia raises a perfectly manicured brow, “That’s all fine and good. But I hope you realize your emotions aren’t going to realize this is an experiment in the end. If one of you falls for the other and finds out those feelings are not reciprocated, you’re not going to be able to laugh it off as a social experiment. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do this, I’m just hoping you’ve considered all of the possible outcomes.”

- AU: Two best friends try to date each other for forty days. It’s supposed to be fun until emotions make it complicated.

After All These Years byLifeInAColorWheel (127k)

It’s been seven years since One Direction went on hiatus and it’s been eight years since Louis and Harry broke up. They’ve been strangers to one another since then.

But, over the course of a weeklong boys’ trip, history between Harry and Louis resurfaces.

Or,

The one when Louis and Harry don’t talk, connect again years later, and reflect on why their love collapsed.

Wild and Unruly by 100percentsassy, Gloria_Andrews / @gloriaandrews (123k)

Harry is a cowboy sitting on the biggest oil reservoir in Wyoming, and Louis is the paralegal assigned to pressure him into selling his land.

I'll Fly Away by juliusschmidt / @juliusschmidt (122k)

Harry and Louis grew up together in Lake County, Harry with his mom and stepdad in a tiny cottage on Edward’s Lake and Louis in his family’s farmhouse a few minutes down the road. But after high school, Louis stuck around and Harry did not; Harry went to Chicago where he found a boyfriend and couple of college degrees. Six years later, Harry ends up back in Edwardsville for the summer and he and Louis fall into old patterns and discover new ones.

ft. One Direction, the local boyband; Horan’s Bar and Grill; families, most especially children and babies; Officer Liam Payne; many local festivals and fireworks displays; and Anne Cox, PFLAG President.

Bitter Tangerine by purpledaisy / @daisyharry (119k)

Maybe it’s Niall, he reasons to calm his storming heart. Maybe he’s not actually gone for the holidays yet, maybe Harry got the dates confused. Slowly, he holds his breath and pushes the kitchen door open. The first thing he sees make him jump, a wooden spoon held out like a sword. Once his brain processes the sight in front of him, it’s less the sword that gets him than who is attached to the wooden spoon.

“Harry,” the swordsmen speaks before Harry can, his voice low and steady though confusion laces each word.

Harry’s breath catches. Every string around his heart, all the protection he spent nine months building, rips out and tears open all at once as he says, “Hi Louis.”

AU: Nine months after they break up, a twist of fate brings Harry and Louis back together at Christmas.

Never Be by cherrystreet / @cherrystreet (117k)

Monica: You've got to see her again.Ross: And why do you care so much?Monica: Because! You could get to live out my fantasy!Ross: You had fantasies about Emily?Monica: No! Y’know, the fantasy! Meet someone from a strange land, fall madly in love, and spend the rest of your lives together.

The one where Harry Styles moves to Connecticut from England for nine months as a part of a study abroad program, and he just so happens to move in with Louis Tomlinson and family.

Burn to Ash by bethaboo (116k)

Harry is sitting there, so fucking casual, and Louis realizes in a split second he was not ready. When Harry walked out in Detroit and never looked back, he was a boy verging on a man, still only twenty years old, but there's a man in his place now. Hard and resolute, yes, but still, for the first time in a long time, Louis can kind of see the old Harry in him. The soft, directness of his gaze, the hesitant smile he gives to Lou, the way he wrings his ridiculously large hands in his lap.

He's a little bit the eager sixteen year old puppy dog again, his innocence and sweetness resurrected miraculously, and Louis freezes in place. He was prepared to face the asshole Harry. He was prepared to meet a whole new Harry.

Louis is not prepared to meet one of the old incarnations of Harry, and it absolutely tears him up.

Or the fic where Harry spirals out of control, the band breaks up, and then he shows back up, five years later.

Mine Would Be You by crinkle-eyed-boo / @crinkle-eyed-boo (114k)

Louis blinks his eyes open, his eyelids fluttering as the room swims around him. He takes several gulps of beer once he confirms that he’s definitely not hallucinating, that the very first portrait Harry Styles ever painted of him is hanging on that wall.

Louis stares at the wall, his heart jackrabbiting in his chest as he realizes that there’s not just one painting of him, there’s five, the portraits lined up like they’re some sort of storyboard depicting the rise and fall of his deepest love. His greatest heartache. A pain that cut him so deep that he left the fucking country, severing all ties with his life in New York, now suddenly surrounding him as if he’d never left.

Fucking shit motherfucker fuck.

Louis returns to New York City five years after he left it – and the love of his life – behind. He didn’t intend to see Harry again, but fate has a funny way of pulling them together, whether they like it or not. After making a begrudging truce, they both start to wonder: Would it be so bad if history repeated itself?

Tired Tired Sea by mediawhore / @mediawhorefics (113k)

As a B&B owner on the most remote of all the British Isles, Louis Tomlinson is used to spending the coldest half of the year in complete isolation, with his dog and the sea as sole companions. Until, one day, a mysterious stranger on a quest to rebuild himself rents a room for the winter.

Babydoll Blues by devilinmybrain / @thedevilinmybrain (111k)

Louis is a high profile, filthy rich label executive who has the world at his feet - a music god.. Harry is the sugar baby trying to make a name for himself singing in shady bars and hanging off the arm of Louis' biggest rival. What Louis wants, Louis gets. But what if the game gets too hot and hits a little too close to the heart?

To Haunt a Heart by etherealbliss / @givesuethemoon (110k)

A high-profile double homicide in the quiet, small town of Ashford, WA sends shockwaves through the public. Louis, the lead detective assigned to the case, is headstrong, earnest, and desperate to prove himself. Harry, the widow of one of the victims, is insufferably rich, wears far too many vintage dressing gowns, and is desperate to prove he’s not guilty.

Their desperation unexpectedly blossoms into something beautiful behind closed doors, amidst the ticking time bomb of a slowly unravelling mystery that the two soon find themselves deeply entwined in.

The Devil and the Deep Blue Sea by kingsofeverything / @kingsofeverything (103k)

Louis’ life is steady and calm, moored by his marriage, and tied to his hometown, but after a chance encounter with another man, it’ll never be the same.

Carnation, Lily, Lily, Rose by certainsadness (103k)

“There’s something so great about watching you interact with art,” Harry said quietly. “Like, when you were giving the tour, you were just so you, and so happy and excited and funny and engrossing. But then when you’re looking at the art, when it’s, like, just for you, you get so quiet and observant.” He pressed a kiss to Louis’s shoulder. “But you still seem so you, and so happy. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you as happy as you’ve been tonight.” He kissed his shoulder again. “As you are right now.” A shiver went up Louis’s back. “I’m happy when I’m with you,” he said.

Or, Louis loved art and Harry was a masterpiece.

Emperor's New Clothes by sunsetmog / @magicalrocketships (92K)

The fact that Louis’s most precious belonging was a cat with a face like thunder and an uncanny ability to cover every single inch of Louis’s clothing with cat hair was something that Louis chose not to think about too much.

or: Harry’s a pop star and Louis isn’t, and there’s a non-disclosure agreement where there used to be a relationship.

Behavioural Ecology by turtlekz / @turtlekz (81k)

Louis Tomlinson is a primatologist working with the Jane Goodall Institute for primate conservation; and Harry Styles is the photojournalist sent from National Geographic to write a piece promoting awareness about the endangered species. They meet, and love is never, ever simple, as we know.

Featuring Eli the chimpanzee, bickering humans, storytelling, and five men who come to gain an understanding of what it means to be human; all stationed in the Republic of the Congo.

Do Not Go Gentle by afirethatcannotdie / @afirethatcannotdie (70k)

“This is all a game to you, isn’t it? Well, it’s not for me. This is a real life or death situation,” Louis says, spitting the words at him. “And I just don’t think you’re cut out for it.”

For a moment, they stare at each other in complete silence. Harry can feel his blood thrumming between his ears, can see Louis glaring at him, feels red-hot anger. And then all he feels, oppressively and desperately, is lust.

Suddenly Louis is surging up to him to press his lips against Harry’s. Harry walks the two of them backwards, pressing Louis back against the door. Louis oomphs in surprise and brings his hands under Harry’s scrub top, scratching at his lower back.

“Lock — oh — lock the… fucking door,” Louis mutters.

When Harry Styles starts his first day as a surgical intern, he expects a lot of things: to treat patients, to observe a surgery, to feel a bit overwhelmed. What he definitely doesn't expect, however, is that the handsome guy he kicked out of his bed this morning is also an intern.

A Grey’s Anatomy AU where tensions are high, Harry and Louis are hooking up in secret, and no one has time for love. Or do they?

To the Ends of the Earth by stylinsoncity / @aliensingucci (68k)

During a yearlong hiatus, Louis visits Harry at his cabin in Idaho, where long-buried feelings ignite like the fire keeping them warm.

A Yuzu Grows in Brooklyn by stylinsoncity / @aliensingucci (66k)

Harry is a recent implant in new york and a young chef opening a restaurant called yuzu. louis, a music teacher and broadway lover, has been around the block for a while. in a city that's so fast-paced, they're slow to catch on to each other.

The Dark and the Dentist by sunshiner / @theprizeofcoolness (66k)

“I know this song,” Louis whispers, and Harry has to lean his ear toward him to pick up what he’s saying. “It was written for people to dance to it. We should be dancing.” We can’t, Harry almost spits, but it’d be stupid of him. Louis knows they can’t. Even if he looks like any regular Parisian in their twenties, and Harry looks like any hipster Parisian in their twenties, they can’t anyway. To be fair, they probably wouldn’t do it even if they were out. But if they were two uni students, both in Paris for an exchange, meeting over fallen books at the library, or because of mutual friends, or watching Monet’s Water Lilies? “How would we dance?” Harry murmurs, mouth almost pressed to Louis’ cheek, so close he can feel his warmth. What a picture they must make, two millionaires freezing in a park and dreaming of a different life.

An account of the events of November 2014. Canon-compliant.

Time Passed by coffinofachimera (66k)

Louis struggles with their relationship as Harry grows into his identity.

Outwit, Outplay, Outlast by dancesongsoul, lookatyourchoices (60k)

“Tommo and Harry are gonna do it. I don’t know when, but they’re gonna do it. They’ve got the mattress, the pillows, everything’s in place, and they’re gonna do it. I really wish those two the best of luck.” –Taylor Swift, "Chapera"

Or a Survivor All-Stars AU in which Harry and Louis are just in this game to win the million dollars, but they end up with something better.

Featuring Harry's yellow swim shorts, Louis in snapbacks, and OT5 shenanigans.

No One Does It Better by nodibs (49k)

Harry’s an alcoholic and Louis is a bartender. The first time they meet isn’t the first time they’ve met.

Sail Away With Me by star_henderson / @star-henderson (47k)

“It’s inhumane putting four blokes in one cabin.” Louis stripped off and climbed up into his top bunk. “And why did we get the smelliest twat on the whole ship and bore of the century?”

Harry shrugged. “We clearly pissed someone off along the way.”

Louis snorted softly. “Who do I have to bend over for to get us an upgrade?”

Harry barked out a laugh. “If only it were that simple.” He rolled his eyes wistfully at Louis.

“The only way I’m going to get a two berth is to throw Payno overboard and be next in line for the deputy cruise director's job.” Louis leaned up on one elbow to look over at Harry. “Would you help me weigh his body down so I don’t go to jail?”

“Only If I can share your cabin.” Harry shuffled about, tucking the duvet between his legs, sweeping his hair up into a bun and securing it in a band. “I’m not being an accessory to murder and then still having to share with them two, no fucking way.”

Louis and Harry are part of the entertainment team on board a luxury cruise liner. They hate sharing their four berth cabin with two other guys and would do anything to get a cabin of their own. One drunken night the solution was simple. They'd just get married...

Be My Little Good Luck Charm by 100percentsassy (34k)

In which Harry is a promising amateur golfer making his debut at the PGA Championship, and Louis is a Sky Sports anchor who would really rather be commentating on footie.

The other boys are around too: caddy!Niall provides victory pints, Liam is Louis's Very Serious co-anchor, and poor Zayn just gets his face drawn on.

Have You Coming Back Again by whoknows (31k)

It’s five o’clock in the morning. Louis has a lecture at half eight. He could be using this time to study or to do his readings or to go to the gym, but - well. He doesn’t have any exams coming up, he’s not going to his seminar today anyway and he hates the gym.

Instead he’s using this time to fuck with Harry Styles’ poor little brain.

Louis jogs across the street and jabs the key into the car door. It opens easily, not that he was expecting anything else. He copied the key for a reason, after all.

He’s got Harry’s schedule memorized, more because the guy keeps following him around than anything, so he doesn’t bother looking around before climbing behind the wheel and setting his bag on the passenger seat. It’s a Monday, which means that Harry doesn’t even get out of bed before noon unless he’s planning on harassing Louis.

Loved By Your Mother by superglass / @gaymoustache (31k)

Harry stretches out like Venus with her lover, growing sleepy in the late afternoon light with a baby growing inside her. Perhaps not literally, not physically. Not exactly.

Harry struggles to come to terms with wanting to have children, and what that means for their relationship. Canon compliant, set a few years into the future

#read #favorite fics #ficrec #larry fic rec #hlcreators #1dficvillage

261 notes · View notes

helslastangel · 4 months ago

Text

Observation of asteroids in my natal chart

@helslastangel

Felt like looking going over these in my chart and thought I'd share my interpretations. These are personal observations; if it doesn't apply, let it fly.

Also I am in love with Nairobi, I might rewatch Money Heist just for her tbh lol.

Abundantia (151) in 5H Scorpio 2° & conjunct Venus 3°

You may experience good luck and prosperity in love matters and creative endeavors. You are sensual in the way you express yourself and seek comfort and stability in your encounters. You seek relationships in which you can speak freely and enjoy each other's minds and usually do find them.

Academia (829) in 6H Sagittarius 14°

You may have a scattered or piecemeal approach to higher education and learning. You want to know about everything but do not have patience for the the slow and steady part of research and mastering a subject, UNLESS the topic is of exceptional interest to you (and stays that way). Excessively dull routines can make you ill.

Adonis (2101) in Scorpio 5H at 19°

You attract and are drawn to deep and intense expressions of beauty and passion. Without depth, challenge and complexity, you are simply not interested. You like to enjoy life and have fun as much as the next person, but your interests often lean towards things that serve the duel purpose of bringing pleasure while healing pain. With Scorpio on the cusp of the 5th house at a Scorpio degree, this energy is magnified. You are likely a highly creative person with a complicated relationship to love, attraction and what you find personally compelling. You're attracted to sensitive, emotional people with an appreciation for the things that lie below the surface in life. This is too much intensity for most people and it is not often that you meet people who interest you beyond basic friendship. When you do find someone who awakens your desire, however, a lusty, romantic side you normally keep private comes out to play. You can become obsessed with them if you don't manage your emotions well.

Amor (1221) in Aries 10H at 17°

You are very loving, though somewhat blunt or direct in the way you show affection or approach romantic love. Challenges are attractive to you and you're attracted to people who won't back down from them - even if you're the problem. Lol! You love the concept of being in a power couple, but maintaining it could become tedious if you lose interest and want to change the aesthetic. You're attracted to stable, forward-thinking partners who are not easily intimidated and can help to reign in your more impulsive tendencies.

𓆩♡𓆪

↤ go back to the masterlist

#astro observations #astro community #astrology #astrology signs #astro notes #astrology observations #astrology tumblr #amor #adonis #academia #abundantia #asteroids

44 notes · View notes

belli5 · 5 months ago

Text

Africa — King Kenny

Pairing: king Kenny x f!reader

Warnings: fluff, cutie animals (or dangerous), nun. Based on this request. Also I changed it up a bit, because beta squad doesn’t really have any dangerous animals in videos, they’re just scared of everything.

Summary: in which, beta squad were 50 hours in Africa and you went along with them, going to safari and helping them learn about animals.

A/n: Sorry for my beta girlie who had to wait so long for this. I had written little bit of smut at the end, but then I felt it wasn’t needed in this story so I deleted it.

Masterlist

The beta squad were going to Africa for 3 days or 50 hours. They are gonna do some challenges or just things kids do there as in school or play football and they are gonna go to safari aswell, they suggested you to come with them so of course you agreed.

When we landed in Kenya, we were greeted by some great people and they also had pretty flower bouquet for each one of us.

A taller guy than you gave you the bouquet, “oh thank you so much.” You smiled at him, and he went to give someone else the other bouquet he had.

When we were finally leaving the airport with the people who greeted us here, you all got into a car sitting down between Kenny and Aj.

“Here,” Kenny from beside you said, “you can have these.” Giving you his bouquet of flowers. You thought it was so cute.

“Aww, thank you so much.” You thanked him and leaned into him.

“Yeah, guys can you stop being so corny infront of us and the camera?” Aj called you both out. You saw the camera towards you both and shook your head.

“Shut up, Aj.” You said.

First you all arrived at your first location, where you would just eat, the people also welcomed you very nicely, they had the Uk and Kenya’s flag.

It was so cute, they singed a song for us while we just vibed, honestly overall it was so nice dancing with them. Also they cheered for everything, more welcoming than the Uk.

“Kenny won his last fight.” Sharky said, and everyone started cheering, yelling ‘yeahhh’

“Guys, guys,” Niko interrupted “I’ve got two socks on.” Everyone started cheering again and yelling ‘yeah’ you laughed at it.

“You guys,” Aj said “Niko’s breath stinks.” Everyone started cheering again, even Niko.

Niko wanted to revenge, “Aj’s three foot tall.” Everyone cheered once again. And Aj just got inside laughing.

After eating the amazing food, we had to go to our second location, which was Ematsayi primary school, where again amazing kids we had to teach today, were waiting for us.

The beta squad teached them the “say good, good, good” song, we obviously all love.

“Aj as a teacher,” Chunkz began “is mental.”

“I’m the best teacher.” Aj stated. “And the best student.”

“You might aswell start.” Niko pointed at Aj, “This is your teacher ‘mr. Triangle’ everyone say hello mr. Triangle” Niko introduced Aj to the kids.

All the kids repeated Niko “Hello mr. Triangle” all the guys and you started laughing while Aj thanked them.

“What’s his name?” Niko asked, now he was doing it on purpose, but it still was funny.

“Mr. Triangle.” All the kids said.

It was now the last day in Africa, the third day and we were in Nairobi where the guys were going to a safari for the last challenge. The people greeted us with flowers again.

For the last challenge the guys had to do an animal bingo, basically each of them had to pick three animals they think will be in the safari and whoever saw the three animals first, wins.

First animal we saw was chimpanzee, which was picked by Sharky so he had two more to go. “Come on, tell us something about chimpanzees y/n.” Sharky asked you.

“I dunno, chimpanzees have the ability to learn human’s language, such as sign language.” You told them, not sure what to say, but they expected something from you, as you work with animals. “But chimpanzees are only found in Africa so I don’t know much.”

“That’s actually really interesting.”

“That’s why I picked chimpanzees.” Sharky says, probably referring to the fact that they’re only in Africa.

We saw other animals small animals no one picked, we saw a tortoise and he almost, just almost made it to grass, Niko even said it was just as slow as Chunkz on football pitch.

“Y/n, what’s the difference between tortoise and turtle?” Kenny asked, honestly there was not much of a difference.

“Hmm.. there’s not much, except turtles usually spend their time in water while tortoises spend their time on land.” You said, “Also tortoises have more rounded and domed shells where turtles have thinner, more water dynamic shells.”

“Great. So it looks like we’re gonna know more information about animals today,” Aj talked to the camera, “as we have Y/n and she works with animals, so she knows more than us.”

You smiled at Aj talking. Next we saw elephant signs, but unfortunately there was no elephants as the driver or the owner told us, so there was no point for Niko.

Aj saw a Hippo in water, which he was surprised to and happy, he even applauded and gave you few high fives.

You wanted to tell them something about hippos so you spoke, “Guys did you know that Hippos thrive underwater? They can hold their breath for an average of five minutes.”

“And that’s just average?” Niko asked, to what you nodded.

“Mhm. That’s long enough to take walks along lakebed and riverbed floors.” You added.

“No wonder their nickname is ‘river horse’!” Chunkz joked. Also Aj was in the lead right now, so he only needs to see a tiger and he has won.

We next saw ostrich, which was on Sharkys list, now Kenny on the other hand was definitely not winning this challenge, because he has not seen a single animal he named, he named most animals you can’t see here.

The driver said that giraffes are coming up, so Chunkz of course got happy because giraffe is on his list, “ohh,” he yelled-sang, “he said giraffes, I see the giraffes.” Chunkz said looking at everyone, honestly it was cute how excited he was.

“I see giraffes with long necks.” Chunkz continued to sing.

“Look.” You pointed “it’s Niko’s siblings.”

“And that’s the fact for giraffes?” Niko laughed, and you nodded “yeah, horror.”

“Are we going to see a seal today?” Kenny asked the driver.

“If we go to South Africa.” The driver told him, Kenny laughing at his answer.

“Aye Kenny you’re not winning this.” You said wrapping your arm around his shoulder jokingly.

The journey continued, we saw more animals, they continued to ask you questions about some animals, but none of them were on the guy’s bingo cards, we drives past cheetah, but Chunkz didn’t saw it so there was no point for him.

It was already now getting dark, it was already 7pm and as we were getting ready to leave we saw a giraffe on road, it was actually so close, and it was even taller closer.

“I wanna touch it.” Kenny said.

“Kenny!” You called out, “it is not permitted touching the giraffe sadly.”

“Why not?” They asked.

“Just for safety reasons.” You smiled, not wanting to cause trouble for the giraffe or anyone else. The giraffe was really close so you could take a picture of it.

It was completely dark now, and y’all saw none of the animals, but mosquitoes. “Ai all we’ve got now is mosquitoes,” Niko said “just going in my eyes.”

“Ai who hit me wallahi..” Aj complained and it was most likely Chunkz who was hitting the mosquitoes away.

“Wasn’t me.” Chunkz quickly defended himself.

“It’s probably because of that damn bright light you have..” you complained, “if it would’ve been turned off, they wouldn’t attack us so much..” you rolled your eyes.

“Well we can’t film in dark’.” Kenny says , at your sudden attitude, probably because you were getting mad of the mosquitoes sucking your blood.

Niko talked to the camera like he always does, like he’s crazy, while everyone else just tried to not fall as the car we were in was going side to side from the awful road.

Kenny was squishing Aj as Aj was laying almost on Sharky and Chunkz, you got up and went next to Niko, because you’d rather talk to the camera than be squished.

Aj had won the challenge even tho as Sharky and Chunkz also had 2 animals, but Aj was the first one to reach two points.

It was finally the time to go back home, honestly you were excited to go home, but on the other hand you didn’t wanna leave Kenya.

But landing in Uk back, you and Kenny both went home straight because all you wanted to do was go home and get under the sheets with Kenny.

#beta squad #king kenny #aj shabeel #chunkz #niko omilana #sharky #belli5 #my man my man my man #x reader #beta squad x reader #kingkenny x reader

40 notes · View notes

drdemonprince · 8 months ago

Note

Not a question. Just a THANK YOU.

I have always been called weird all my life and when I read your book Unmasking Autism, a lot of things made sense and I thought I may be autistic. When I mentioned this to 3 of my friends, I was met with “Try getting a professional opinion”, “You are being delusional” and “Stop giving yourself white people diseases”. This made me notice that people liked me for the strengths of my maybe autism and for the bad sides, they would tell me to get my shit together and stop being weird and unreliable. I am a 32-year-old Kenyan woman and I think I am super burnt out from masking and I just want to be alone all the time. I don’t speak to my mum or my sister either. My mum (who is a clinical officer) told me to get off anti-depressants and pray to god to heal me. I don’t believe in god, I love women and I want to spend the rest of my life with a woman and I could be autistic. These are things that won’t board well with my bible-thumping, homophobic family members. Lately, whenever someone asks me to come to my house, I immediately feel attacked because my house is the only safe space I have.

Sorry for the gibberish. I guess what I am trying to say is, THANK YOU so much for writing about unmasking autism because it’s probably saved a 32-year-old child in Nairobi Kenya. I use the word ‘child’ because I feel like I am a child who is reparenting herself. I still have crazy anxiety but at least, I do not want to kill myself anymore.

When I get a notification for a new email and it is from your substack, my day significantly gets better because when I read your articles, I always feel seen and warm, like a hug from a loved one.

Sidenote: I hate my tits and uterus and I can’t wait to get rid of them when I turn 35 and have the money to do it.

Wow! Thank you so much for your lovely message. I am so glad the book has been helpful to you, and so sorry that the world is so weighed down with an ignorant, ableist, colonialist framework of mental health that has kept you from finding acceptance for so long. I am rooting for you to get that top surgery and hysto as soon as you possibly can!!

45 notes · View notes

trans-ralsei · 14 days ago

Text

i got clocked sometime back.

no there's nothing to worry about, i'm safe. but it was the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me in a while. maybe i sounded off. maybe it wasn't wise to venture out without an umbrella and with a white shirt with the november rains. maybe i really shouldn't have trusted how the map looked in this neighbourhood of cul-de-sacs, and maybe i shouldn't have looked really drenched when i first came in.

it was odd, though. the conversation started out with this person talking about her work. she'd been a lifestyle correspondent for the city paper, you see, the same place i worked for eight months before being unceremoniously tossed out for having adhd. she asks about my personal writing. we are among poets and intellectuals; everyone talks about literature, about publishing, about writing in Kenya or India or the US or the home city. they're well-travelled too, talking about living in Nairobi or Delhi or New York.

so i find it difficult. i write fanfiction, I say, but I'm not even actively writing fanfiction. we talk briefly about the fandoms i'm in; she'd been surprisingly knowledgeable about the Anime of the Month. i ask why the city paper didn't have an anime column, but I suppose now that it's because anime's considered a cultural import. she talks about someone who did write about anime for the city paper, but who unfortunately left.

the room's kinda warm despite the air-conditioning, and the rain still patters outside. i talk about the real reason why i've been invited into this party of writers: i'm a journalist. i've written commentary, op-eds. i've reported on current affairs and written news analyses. i had a blog where i wrote political stuff, I ran it when I was 18. it's on tumblr, even.

i ask about her time writing for the lifestyle section of the city paper, about her time as a foreign correspondent. and i talk about a time where i felt like i was writing for an audience: telling folk what they wanted to hear, when they wanted to hear it. talking to kindly men about my experience, and how they treated me as a rational voice of The Youth Of The Day.

and she springs it on me. "your previous bylines... were they under your deadname?"

I didn't say anything about myself being trans or being a boy, and the only outwardly queer thing that I was wearing was the rainbow watch strap that I had on. I reel back, and blink.

This wasn't said out of malice, I think, and several responses run through my head. (the funniest, and the one I regret not using, being: what's a deadname?)

I try asking 'how did you know?' but I got a non-committal: "I've got trans friends! I've got trans colleagues even."

I think about myself, and how prominent I'd been. I wasn't on stage at Pride, but I might as well have been: the one thing the city paper did when they fired me was to set me free to be a spokesperson of sorts, to speak at panels, to write the guide to reporting on trans folk in the city, to contribute to the industry stylebook on gender-sensitive issues.

And yet I thought of that as a lack of discipline. I do have a trans friend in the city paper. We know that the climate here has never been friendly to voices that weren't conservative. We know that sticking our heads out lends ourselves to situations exactly like this one. That it was possible for my reputation to precede me.

I talk to the trans friend (more senior, or senpai) at the city paper and tell her about this experience. She says cis people probably see it, they probably read me as trans. But they don't say it out loud. She suggests that the correspondent could be familiar with my public profile. She says it doesn't take much to google me.

And she's right. I think one of the key reasons why I've been so vague about myself here is that some of my mutuals want to be stealth, and they don't want to be known. But I've been a representative of sorts. Not a full-fledged famous trans person in the home city — that honour will always go to my ex-boss, who will always overshadow me — but I've been a spokesperson for the city-wide trans movement and an organiser.

"You're a somewhat visible figure," my trans friend says.

But I don't wish to be. I wish very much to be in the shadows, but if we're all there then do people even see us? I've had a comment on the city-wide trans movement's Instagram asking if we were all even real or if we were just some Westerners peddling some woke shit, and I really wanted to say: I'm a real person. We can fucking settle tomorrow. Pioneer Mall. 4pm. Bitch. But for the sake of appearances...

Maybe it's my personality. Maybe it's just how I am. Maybe I'm the girl who shows up. I've always been the girl who shows up.

Maybe I don't fucking know how to talk to cis people anymore. Maybe I just can't lie. Maybe I'm proud of being seen. Maybe I think it would make a difference. Maybe it's made a difference.

But yeah, I wish I felt safe. I wish I felt safe being trans.

#ral.txt #i'm sorry if you see bocchi the rock in the city paper. it'll be my fault

10 notes · View notes

alarici · 3 months ago

Text

matthalle, tbc?? (1,300 words)

(some was already posted) @neallo sorz im late

Nothing happens at an expensive pub in South London. The lights are low, dark wood and frosted glass. Vermouth distilled in the 80s. Loafers and calf leather Oxfords.

Matt’s chilled lager sweats in his hand.

Halle stares out the window. Another odd Tuesday. They’re both three drinks in.

It’s fine company.

—

Thing is, Matt has always been taken by vicious blondes. Call it a character flaw, a rule of his life. Since Mary in the first grade. Linda, Mello. Maybe the Amane chick was a bit of a departure, not so vicious, but just barely. A change of pace but not of theme.

And really, who could blame Matt’s blue balls, six months in a one-room with Mello. Lockdown, for the detox and even more for the mission, for fancying Amane’s pigtails and perky tits.

Halle is another beast altogether. Matt’s learned about her three older brothers. Military father, granddaughter of a minister. All-girl’s finishing school in Massachusetts, Oxford, Cambridge, UN, Interpol. Matt imagines she’s the type to wear vintage La Perla under her pantsuits. He knows her heels have red under soles, and that her perfume is worth more than his two year lease in Covent Garden.

She hasn’t let him verify the panties hunch. But to be fair, he hasn’t tried and hasn’t asked. They get along. Every elephant in the room can be shut out with booze, or blow, or chatting about this case or the weather in Nairobi, the coups in Bolivia, the semiconductor shortages, the latest episode of Doctor Who.

—

Nothing happens at the bar. Amongst the suits and the highballers, they talk. It's difficult to find someone else who's been through the same shit as you, these days. They're all dead.

Halle knew Mello. Matt knew Mello. Halle's beautiful. Matt's got a tender spot for beauty, being a mediocre creature of god surrounded by chosen ones and manmade smiles.

Something does change when Halle offers to take him running. Him. Running.

Asthmatic kid on the playground. Five years out from a coma and a collapsed lung and a bullet dug out of his thigh.

She says she'll go easy. He imagines she just wants to see him in pain.

So be it. His doctor tells him he needs to exercise. He's entered the latter half of his twenties. Things stick out, and his skin folds where it didn't used to. Which is great. But the Ritalin work the same anymore, and he's tired all the time.

Mainly, he just wants to watch Halle run in front of him. What is he without someone like that—running ahead, egging him on, prodding him or leading him until he's blue in the face. Blood on his tongue. Her firm ass far below eye level.

She smiles, and they set the date for Sunday. 9 AM. The devil's hour!

Matt, his beat up trainers, ratty gym shorts from the charity shop, long-sleeved T-shirt, Hyde Park.

Halle, gym shorts, hair in a tight ponytail, sports bra, no tank top.

It is August. It's also London—overcast, sky considering an afternoon shower.

At 9 AM, it's cool enough to bother with a shirt if she’d chosen to.

So Halle's first one-uppance is her abs. Matt hasn't had abs since he was wasting away in a hospital bed in Tokyo, still blissfully unaware that his friend-lover-boss had died. And still, those were coma abs. But Halle has her tanned skin in England. She smiles at him. He studies a freckle on the back of his hand.

"One lap. If you stop, I'm throwing you in the pond, Jeevas."

The case of the month involves a series of bodies washed up on the banks of the Thames. A rare one close to home. Matt's on standby—they don't need tech work for this, and he has a contract that says he doesn't have to do anything in the field. If Near doesn't dare venture out of his tower, why should he? He’s bored. Bodies in the Thames—what else is new?

The momentary crack of sunlight is oppressive. Halle's pace is punishing. The doctors in Japan had done a great job, so his English doctors said, at repairing the muscle in his inner thigh. They'd also told him, he, “wouldn't be running any marathons any time soon."

Halle knows. She's a bit of a cunt, Matt's learned.

He trots along.

If there's one thing two years semi-sober have taught him, it's that pain offers no worthy gain. It just sucks—but the alternative is what? Admitting defeat.

Matt’s been waving a white flag since he was twelve. This is supposed to be his second chance. A life. Standing in the presence of someone undeniably better, but still standing.

Ten meters before the end of the lab, he doubles over and hurls into a flowerbed, turns, and smiles up at her.

"Happy, you fucking übermensch?"

"I don't speak German." As though übermensch isn’t a loan word.

"You went to grade school there." Matt knows the gist of her story—military family. Childhood all over the world, and the dead sister. From an old German family that came to the U.S. at the dawn of World War Two.

"You don't speak Japanese." She counters. She knows he spent some time there. It’s not in his need-to-know file, but most of the group knows the outline of how he ended up working with Near five years after the end of the Kira case.

"I was only there for, like, a month. おはよう."

"Also, I went to grade school in the states."

"You can’t be German and work for the C.I.A," Matt quips. She’s American.

"I had noncitizen coworkers."

"Like, spies and defectors?"

"Yeah. If you can talk, you can run, Jeevas. We're going around again."

—

It happens, inevitably, when Matt’s still weak in the knees. He’s just taken a shower at Halle’s place—a beautiful loft with a waterfront view—and he’s sitting awkwardly on the edge of her bed wearing her—“my old boyfriend’s clothes.”

Her old boyfriend was clearly at least half a foot taller than Matt. His loungewear does not fit, but it’s clothes, and she offered a shower and clean towels.

When she gets out of the shower, she hasn’t changed.

He gives her the once-over.

“Man, you can just ask.”

“Good boys don’t talk back, Jeevas.”

“You didn’t say any—”

She drops the towel and smiles. “Aw, you’re still shaking from our run.”

He offers a lopsided smile, and stares at her breasts. They’re better without the fitted blouse, he decides. Her abs, still damp, are fun, too.

“So, what’s the safeword?” He asks, on the verge of reaching out to touch.

Halle looks about to slap his hand away. Instead, she smiles. Her K-9s are sharp. No surprise.

“My dog is well trained, no?” She reaches for his face, instead. Unchipped French nails gentle at his cheek.

“You decide.”

And that’s that.

—

Through their three month (and no longer) tryst, Matt learns that he likes being choked—of all the things, Mello never choked him. That the post-runner’s jitters—the endorphins—collide with the sex endorphins and leave him just plain happy. Halle makes fun of how much he smiles during scenes. When she’s choking him, when she’s on top of him, setting the pace, giving him nothing.

The best time is in Monaco. Matt tagged along on one of her assignments. Intel—it’s always intel. For a week, they look like the wet dream of a young couple on holiday. She picks out his clothes, dresses him like a fucking douchebag. Sends him to get a haircut.

They don’t go to any races. They only visit one casino, and that’s strictly business. The only place to take a jog in Monaco is the hotel’s luxury sports center. They pick side by side treadmills. She isn’t able to reach over to up his tempo. But she does give him a withering look when he slows. He doesn’t mind.

After dinners at hotel steakhouses or casino bars, they retire to their room. There is no being tied to bedframes or hot candle wax. Halle never uses anything besides her two hands. Long nails. Soft fingers, pressure points. Give and take.

They're both clever enough to know it can never last, but that's the fun part.

#mail jeevas #halle lidner #matthalle #(au where matt like lives a la my old m2 fic)

8 notes · View notes

misscammiedawn · 4 months ago

Text

I Am Also A We - Integration and Functional Multiplicity in sense8

CW: sense8 depicts suicide, transphobia, medical trauma, deadnaming, chronic alcoholism, drug abuse, homophobia, homophobic slurs, intense sexual themes, plays sexual assault towards men for humor. Check DoesTheDogDie for more information.

If you watch the show be warned the first episodes involve a family forcefully trying to (allegorically) detransition a transgender woman and circumvent her agency in a medical setting. This may be more than most can handle.

"I've been thinking about my life, and all of the mistakes that I've made. The ones that stay with me, the ones that I regret, are the ones that I made because of fear. For a long time, I was afraid to be who I am because I was taught by my parents that there's something wrong with someone like me. Something offensive, something you would avoid, maybe even pity. Something that you could never love. My mom, she's a fan of St. Thomas Aquinas. She calls pride a sin. And of all the venal and mortal sins, St. Thomas saw pride as the queen of the seven deadlies. He saw it as the ultimate gateway sin that would turn you quickly into a sinaholic. But hating isn't a sin on that list. Neither is shame. I was afraid of this parade because I wanted it so badly to be a part of it. So today, I'm marching for that part of me that was once afraid to march and for all the people who can't march - the people who living lives like I did. Today, I march to remember that I'm not just a me but I'm also a we. And we march with pride." Nomi Marks (sense8 - Season 1, Episode 2)

Humans are fascinating and varied creatures.

Imagine for a moment, a transgender hactivist in San Francisco, a closeted homosexual movie star in Mexico City, a cop in Chicago, a Nordic expat DJ living in London, an orphaned gangster in Berlin, a bus driver in Nairobi who has never lived in a home with running water, a Hindu bio-chemist in Mumbai and a kickboxer in Seoul whose father owns a powerful investment firm.

Lives so disparate that it would be simple to create walls of division to keep them wholly separate and incapable of acting as a whole...

And yet the show is all about erasing the division between people and as the show goes on these 8 people with all their unique and individual perspectives and backgrounds, will become one and many. A collective as one.

That seems like something I may want to talk a little about.

sense8 is a Netflix drama that ran for 2 seasons (and had 2 specials) between 2015-2018. Created by the Wachowski Sisters of Matrix fame and J Michael Straczynski of Babylon 5 fame.

It is a show about radical empathy, the full spectrum of the human experience and the virtues of living openly and connected in the face of a world that pressures the marginalized to hide and remain divided.

Yet in listening to our contributors, especially those with Indigenous ties or who identify as people of color and/or not bound by the ties of Western medicine, dissociation as it’s been described so far [...] can mean many things that are not helpful. A general consensus from these contributors is that trauma survivors ought never be shamed for doing what they have to do in order to survive, especially because so many of the contexts into which people are born promote division, disconnection, and marginalization. Usually this context is shaped by a dominant culture that relies on separation in its most unhelpful and wounding sense to uphold the power that the dominant culture so readily craves. (Dissociation Made Simple - Jamie Marich)

To acknowledge the flaws in both shows and creators, The Wachowski's tend to have a lens of privilege and blind spots to their works that undermine their messages of radical empathy, most famously their fumble in the diversity of Cloud Atlas' cast and the use of white actors in Asian roles (Natalie Portman was originally offered the role that went to Bae Doona).

sense8 is not immune to this and does have issues with connecting the 8 main characters without consideration to certain biases. Some mild examples are that the Christmas special having all 8 unanimously celebrating the Christian holiday (including a Hindu and a character with religious trauma centered on Christianity specifically) to the unchecked Copaganda and the show completely erases asexuality as a valid lifestyle with dialogue even going as far to say that sex is why we exist and to deny it is to deny being human.

Also as someone with an extreme aversion to depictions of suicide... this show does like to offer suicide as The Only Way Out a lot. The show opens on a suicide and the final episode involves no fewer than 3 attempts by various characters when they are cornered. One even succeeds. Lana's experience with her suicide attempt was important to her coming out as a trans woman. A version of that moment is even depicted in the 4th Matrix movie with Neo (allegorically Lana herself) helping someone else wake to their own identity in a suicide attempt. I do not want to rob her of the transformative power of that event and memory. It's clearly important to her and her work, but it's troublesome that averted suicide attempts are always depicted virtuously in her work. Again... it's a matter of blind spots and biases.

I acknowledge the show is flawed in these and many more respects but it does speak to empathy and connection in a way that though not perfectly placed upon the screen, is a message worth internalizing. Though it's okay to be uncomfortable with how it is presented and opt out.

Regardless of imperfect execution and the early cancellation, it is still a miracle of a show. In many ways it is a show that shouldn't exist. It cost $9 million per episode and its filming schedule required flying between 11 cities for 3 weeks of shooting a piece. It features full nudity, multiple sex scenes involving huge swaths of the cast at once.

To put all of that in perspective, the entire experience is literally bookended by a rainbow strap-on glistening from use.

But... this is not a show about dissociative disorders. Mental illness is only represented in that characters briefly question their sanity. So why am I talking about it in my Media, Myself and I essay series on positive representation of dissociative disorders in fiction?

Well... it just so happens to also feature the best depiction of Functional Multiplicity in all of television.

Functional Multiplicity or "Integration" is a goal in treating complex dissociative disorders where the dissociative system are able to function as a single person with minimal division between parts.

It is important to note that intergration and fusion are two separate concepts and are both valid outcomes for treatment within CDD therapy. Where fusion is the concept of merging all dissociated personalities into a single unified personality, integration allows the system to communicate and cooperate with full access to memories and skills with no inner-conflict exacerbating symptoms.

The final approach in Fraser’s article addresses the issue of fusion or integration, a strong area of potential controversy for those diagnosed with or identifying as DID. Many individuals with DID strongly resist or oppose a psychiatrist or any other provider’s insistence that they integrate the various aspects of their personality into a cohesive whole. This process can feel disrespectful to the members of a system, and if you are reading this passage and have ever felt triggered at the suggestion that you need to integrate, you are not alone. (Dissociation Made Simple - Jamie Marich)

The terms “dissociation” and “integration” have long been synonymous with one another—meant to signify that the only reasonable goal in working with splitting and compartmentalization must be the fusing together of dissociated parts to create one single “homogenized” adult. Daniel Siegel, however, makes a strong case against defining integration as fusion. He asserts (2010a) a different view: “Integration requires differentiation and linkage.” Before we can integrate two phenomena, we have to differentiate them and “own” them as separate entities. We can’t simply “act as if” they are connected without noticing their separateness. But, having clearly differentiated them so they can be studied and befriended, we then have to link them together in a way that fosters a transformed sense of the client’s experience, facilitating healing and reconnection. - (Healing the Fragmented Selves - Janina Fischer)

Acknowledging the separateness and clearly differentiating people to befriend, link and foster a transformed sense of experience, facilitating healing and connection.

Now that sounds like sense8 to me.

As mentioned above the shows protagonists are from different walks of life. Nomi, Lito, Will, Riley, Wolfgang, Capheus, Kala and Sun are all "born" into a "cluster", a nest of 8 connected minds who share their every thought and experience with one another.

The core 8 are able to share control of one another's bodies as well as speak telepathically in one another's heads. "Sharing" and "Visiting" respectively, if we are to play the YA Novel game of naming every single concept in a fictional world.

Each character has their strengths and weaknesses and connections that make up for their weaknesses.

To give an example Lito is an actor who has a little bit of a diva streak. He's good at lying under pressure, he can flirt with women effortlessly, he is deeply in touch with his emotions and he lives in absolute terror of his homosexual lifestyle being discovered for fear it will ruin his career and the comfort he has earned in life.

Wolfgang is ruthless and blunt and so leans on Lito's ability to lie under pressure, something that he is typically incapable of doing because he does not value roundabout methods of deception when he can just brute force his way to solutions. Lito helps him lie when the situation calls for it.

Sun is emotionally repressed, choosing to work her emotions through her fists, though she is one of the most privileged members of the cluster she has more than enough reason to be sad with a father who refused to show her love, the worst brother on the planet, a dead mother and a plot that involves her being wrongfully imprisoned and subject to multiple assassination attempts. She can offer the rest of the cluster her fighting skills but it is Lito who helps her to be able to cry when she needs it. In a beautiful scene late in season 2 a depressed Lito is crying in Sun's hotel room and Sun admonishes him saying that she is the one with reason to cry and Lito responds plainly "But you never would. Maybe that is why I am here."

On the flipside whenever Lito is in conflict about his life in the closet he pulls up Nomi, a transgender woman who has been through the entire coming out process, and leans heavily on her.

Though it takes much of the first season for the characters to understand what is happening to them we eventually get to see all 8 of them completely at home with one another's thoughts and perspectives.

They are separate, yes. But they are of one mind.

This is akin to the end result of trauma focused parts work in therapy. When a person is not yet treated for trauma based dissociation their inability to integrate their experiences creates a fracture and a disharmony that breeds emotional volatility and a breakdown in inner experience.

Disowning requires selective attention, a focusing away from whatever is “not me.” The senses fail to register what is taking place around us; we don’t feel our emotional responses, good or bad; we are in a zone. We can’t “own” our anger or dependence or fear when we don’t feel them. We can’t “own” traumatic events that we haven’t witnessed. We can’t know ourselves as whole human beings because only those qualities valued in a traumatic environment are accessible to consciousness. Segregating intense feelings, though, results in affect intolerance: if we can escape our emotions by automatically and involuntarily shifting into a different part of the self or different feeling state, we never get the opportunity to exercise our “emotional muscles,” and all feelings gradually become more and more intolerable. Inner conflicts are never resolved, just distanced. When that happens, acting out (self-destructively or addictively) and “acting in” (through self-hatred, self-judgment, punitive introspection) become the only avenues for regulating emotions and autonomic arousal. Splitting or fragmentation must become more complex and creative. - (Healing the Fragmented Selves - Janina Fischer)

As the main cluster of the show are able to expand their horizons via empathy and connection to one another they are able to challenge their blind spots and achieve a level of comfort in their world that was not accessible before. From our above example Sun can process her emotions thanks to Lito.

In a similar fashion, in Season 2 Kala becomes guilty about her lifestyle because she discovers that the company she works for is sending inferior medication to Capheus' region of the world and through experiencing life through Capheus' eyes she is aware of her position of privilege and uses her power to make positive change.

Had the show have been able to continue on this empathy would have been the center of the show with Capheus running for political office, Lito embracing his role as a queer icon who can inspire others and Riley risking exposure by touring her music and making contact with other sensates.

Alas. We'll never get the promised potential of the show's premise.

Another factor that was promised but was not fully paid off on was the concept of blockers.

In the show other sensates could visit (but not share) with a single member of a cluster if they make eye contact (Cloud Atlas which shared 3 directors and 3 writers with this show also included this concept of eye contact creating a human connection) and the only way to prevent their intrusion was to take blockers. A medication that cut off their empathetic connections and turned off their psychic ability.

The blocker allegory was about masking and hiding and working to blend in with the dominant culture without standing out. Part of the show's humanity was the characters wishing to go against the narrative that they needed to hide and to live loud and proud and inspire others to do the same.

It would have been interesting to see each of the sensates on blockers learning to act in ways their cluster would without being able to let them take control of their body. Show that the integration of the system is not a matter of separate parts in their own boxes but a cluster that is fully connected and capable of sharing their sole life.

To go back to my discussion on functional multiplicity, the concept of being able to share memories and skills is emphasized as a part of both integration and fusion models.

Sharing roles, responsibilities or tasks also enables other parts to help the System’s successful functioning in the outside world. Then, these parts can grow and mature individually. It also gives the System the opportunity to feel first-hand appreciation for what parts have done and contributed to the System’s survival and success, as well as better understanding of what it takes to keep the System functioning well today. (Got Parts? - ATW)

We are all in this together.

A beautiful thing that the show displays outside of the core cluster is the radical empathy and acceptance that exist within the side characters.

In the final episode of the show Wolfgang's surrogate brother and only true family Felix arrives to the help the cluster Capheus rushes over to him and embraces him exclaiming "MY BROTHER, FELIX!" and laughing with joy. This was Capheus' first time meeting Felix but the empathetic connection travels between them.

The same connection causes Kala's love for her husband to be felt by Wolfgang and allow the three of them to engage in a polyamorous relationship. The final orgy scene of the show literally climaxes with Kala's non-psychic husband exclaiming "My god, I didn't think such things were possible" after a threesome with his wife and Wolfgang who share the same love for him. This is the very last line of the show.

In a dissociative system conflict can breed between parts that are not integrated when their needs, desires and drives are not in alignment.

To give an example from our own life, Wynn is a part that is capable of turning off our empathy. When she perceives a threat to us from the idea of someone emotionally manipulating us (a parent trying to shame/guilt us into ceding to their demands or a partner threatening suicide) she will lock out the rest of the system who may be swayed and force us to act with hostility and coldness. More than once this has ended with us in further danger or emotional turmoil and it leads other parts to over compensate to try and "fix" the damage done when we were "emotionally compromised" by the part acting in our interests of survival over the harmony of the system and our relationships. Especially because the dangerous situations that necessitated her existence are not part of our present and her reactions may no longer be appropriate.

This kind of divide is natural in a dissociative system early in their healing journey.

The range of emotional experience, including both positive (e.g., joy, love) and negative (e.g., anger, fear, grief) affects, plays a vital role in human adaptation by promoting closeness in relationships. Relational distortions result when emotions repeatedly fail to achieve their purpose, when they are persistently activated, or when their expression is blocked or punished. Distortions in emotional regulation (and associated defensive distortions of behavior) refl ect distortions in care (Bowlby, 1969/1982) that manifest as dysynchronies between caregiving behavior and child emotional experience and needs (Sameroff & Emde, 1989) [...] A lasting split between self-preservation and integrative self-regulation leads to a vicious cycle. Extreme affective states become infused into the person’s selfand other-representations (“bad objects,” Benatar, 2003), producing disorganized and unstable mental representations, which further destabilize and fragment affect, perception, and behavior. Thus, dissociation results when extreme stressors necessitate a lasting split of the integrated relationship between self-preservation and selfregulation. (Dissociation and Dissociative Disorders, DSM-V and Beyond - Paul F Dell)

But towards the end of therapy parts, even when activated, are able to act in a way that benefits the stability of the shared life, preventing further dissociation and division between parts.

It is when one part, who wants to deny our condition to prevent thinking about our trauma, accepts that our multiple nature is integral to who we are and how one of our closest relationships function and in accepting this allows for us to carve spaces in our life to exist as a system. To take off the mask. To stop hiding.

To march and state boldly I Am Also A We.

There are times where we worry about using the term "Plural". We view our condition through a lens of psychopathology and constantly try to justify our existence through reading psychology textbooks and working with our therapist and constantly justifying.

We play by the rule books written for us and about us but not by us. Not by others like us. Well... mostly.

One of the quoted books in this essay is from Jamie Marich who is openly a diagnosed dissociative system. Her book is written from an insiders perspective there to promote love and acceptance. I selected her quote at the top of this post with care. She does get it. Got Parts? Is also written by collaborators with DID sharing lived experience.

There are so many things which divide us as people who experience plurality. There is syscourse raging in Tumblr inboxes Just Asking Questions about whether a person should be diagnosed to openly present as a system, there is fakeclaiming trying to witch hunt those who really have a CDD and those who are "roleplaying", the tone policing in support communities that admonish anyone who glorifies or fetishizes that which is a hard to live with disorder...

Over the years we internalized many of these narratives ourselves. We lived in fear of scrutiny, worried for the day we were exposed as Not Traumatized Enough, Not Performing Our Disability Correctly, Not Divided Enough or a number of other accusations.

We still are. It's terrifying to think that at any point someone could just deny all of our truth and no amount of paperwork, testimony or evidence would be able to make us any more legitimate than we already are.

In some regards we shouldn't be proud of being who and what we are. The fact that there is always going to be a part of us stuck in London reliving the worst experiences of our life is not a source of pride.

But we survived.

We survived. We kept one another alive. The part that needed to be an adult when we were a child kept us safe. The part that needed to seal off our heart kept us safe. The part that kept our emotions alive kept us safe. The part that pretended to be what our abuser wanted us to be kept us safe... and yes. The part that handled erotic concepts kept us safe.

We survived and we protected one another and we are the only Family who have been here the whole time. Experienced everything. Shared in all the pleasures and all the joys. We survived. And we will continue to... but not we're not surviving anymore. We're living. And we choose to live together. We choose to be 5 and 1. We are an I.

I am proud of that and this show helped us feel just a little bit more confident in saying that outloud. We are plural... and there is no shame in that. None at all.

Forgive me for the less than stellar work on this one. This essay was more a vehicle to talk about positive integration and use the show as a framing device for the topic. Plus I just wanted to be a bit Plural Pride because the show made a compelling argument as to why I should be.

The promised Act 6 of In Stars and Time essay and the Umineko follow-up essay are both in the research phase. Act 6 of ISaT is looking at characters who share a common history and I want to make sure I have some good examples without treading on other creators I respect's toes and the Umineko follow-up requires replaying all of Chapter 7 of that game and it's a long one.

Media, Myself and I is a series of Tumblr Essays for positive depictions of dissociative disorders.

Other essays include:

Time Loops and Dissociation (In Stars and Time) A History of Murder Alters Discworld and Plurality Incidental, intentional and accidental representation Gender, Dissociation and Clinical Stigma in The Third Person Recontextualized Memories in Umineko Derealization in Night in the Woods and Metal Gear Solid The Dangers of Hypnotic Personality Play in Penlight System Origins in The Incredible Hulk Relationships with Systems in The Incredible Hulk The Healing Journey in Mr. Robot

#dawn posting #sense8 #did #dissociative identity disorder #plurality #media myself and I #watch me post my trauma in public #cluster fuck

17 notes · View notes