#*comes in with a starbucks like 10 years late* Sup

[perpetuallyconfuzzled]

For the Human Research and Information Central,

Humans are truly creatures of horror, nothing can really prepare you for what they can and WILL do, as commander of the star fleet Inova 221B I had the foolish thought that a human crew member wouldn’t be much harder to handle then a Silvenian and their horrid appetites or a Olivarie’er with their humongous size; I have never been so wrong in my entire life.

I met Miss. Caballero a few cycles ago, she was much smaller and… softer looking than I expected, the large (too ridiculously large) manual that came to prepare for her arrival did mention to not take their passive exterior lightly but this must be an extreme case, she’s barely half our height and her tiny complexion seemed to also be rare among other humans if her defensiveness implied anything, but she knew her way around the armory and battlefield so I brush away all signs of doubt. At first, we had trouble with her pronouncing my name, which is perfectly normal since most of my crew lack my species fragmented mandible, and after that, there was trouble with accommodating her quarters to her smaller size but all that wasn’t difficult no… the difficult part was everything else with this wild endoskeletal female.

Her attachment to the crew was instantaneous, having the same excessive protectiveness a Gonobar mother would to her hatchlings, if any of us was feeling gloomier or was in peril she would immediately come after us even if you never asked for such help, if you were a willing sacrifice or had no other choice. As you know, my ship was attacked and invaded by a mercenary vessel long ago, for the sake of my crew and all the passengers on board I stepped towards the lowlife criminal’s ship and left my whole authority towards LoRa, my second in command. The plan was simply for me to cause enough of a distraction to let my crew jump into hyper speed… I had never expected for Caballero to jump down from the vents at the last second and attack the Gloran with such quick ferocity, their canons not having any effect on her skin (Apparently human bodies are made of too much water for old velimian canons) she screamed in rage at the mercenaries who, once discovering we had a human of all things as our battle expert they retreated without any fight, it seemed they had met with similar humans and were not willing to fight another in their life. Another time, the ship broke down and we docked on an empty planet with a dangerous climatical change were we planned to wait until help was available, our supplies were quickly dwindling and she ran toward the dunes were we expected the worse only for her to come back star time later almost at deaths door with possible fuel and food. She swam on highly salted water for ‘fun’ and stayed floating on that toxic nightmare for hours on end. She didn’t sleep for 4 star time straight just so she could finish calibrating all 200 canons and pistols, just to collapse once she had fed herself and wake up completely fine after less than a star time of rest. She wasn’t afraid of the Olivarie’er at all, just mentioning how he looked like a big toy from her home planet, I fear what these ’teddy bears’ must be. She bonded with the ship itself, falling into deep distress if anything happened to it and raging over any scratch, taking all attacks on the ship itself as personal as us any insult. If she’s under no supervision on any planet she WILL go and befriend all life on planet.

Everything was just as the manual had warned us… what the manual has never warned us about was the side effects this human bond would cause in all of us. It has no chapter on what to do once a human-crew bond has gone so beyond its peak, that the crew itself start reacting as a human would. less than a cycle ago we got into another attack but this time by more than lowly criminals, they were a band of dangerous traffickers. We were able to land and have the battle outside the ship much to our engineers relief; the battle was going on our favor until one of them threw a dargan bomb causing everyone to fall down at the sudden strong pulse wave except for our human who, being much smaller and lighter than us, was sent flying into the air and hit the side of the ship with a loud bang falling loudly and motionless on the floor. We all stood silently as we saw the human, the most feared and terrifying creature the universe had to offer, lay on the ground without any signs of standing up. Cycles ago I would have immediately surrendered or ordered a retreat, if they had taken the human down then staying would be foolish and a suicide, the correct course of action would be to stand back and wait for our backup at distance but we did no such thing, seeing our human down didn’t make us feel fear, far from it actually… we were LIVID. LoRa gave a thundering roar, and I myself let one out just as aggressive. I felt overwhelmed by such protectiveness, anger, and impulsiveness. With my logic shutting down and something entirely new taking place I stood and barked my order to attack at full force with everyone already moving as if my order was the obvious curse of action to follow.     Was this what she felt in every battle? is this what all humans feel when those they bond to are threatened? 
We fought with a strange sense of recklessness that scared and caught our enemies off guard, we were standing up for longer and taking more hits than we ever thought possible; for a brief moment, I felt like a god. We stood our ground until help arrived and we were finally able to breath shaking under the tremendous strain we subjected our bodies to, the limits we broke, all for a little human. Our human luckily survived and has just recently finished her recovery from three broken bones (Recovering from a broken bone? They are truly monsters) and keeps exclaiming how proud she is of all ‘her fam’

Humans on their own are terrifying, but what humans can make others do? that's even scarier

Signed Captain Ae-n’DaHGar from Inova 221B

[nerdygirl8203]

Cheese, So Much Cheese!

Shane Topp Love Story (Sorry if this sucks I wrote it when I was about thirteen)

"Hey Morgan! Ian and I were thinking you should come with us to camp for Smosh summer games part two!" Anthony told me over the phone. "Yeah, that would be amazing!" I tell him rather shocked. "Sweet meet us at HQ at 10am." he then hangs up. I start to pack up some clothes and chargers and shit like that since he called me so late I have to rush. I put on a t-shirt and lay in my bed thinking of how cool camp will be! I eventually fall asleep but have no dreams, like usual. I wake up to my phone going off like crazy. I turn off my alarm and see it's 8:30 am leaving me time to shower, get dressed, put on some light make-up, do my hair, and eat breakfast and drink coffee. I actually get up and grab the outfit I picked out last night then get undressed and jump in the shower. I jump out, dry off, and put on my outfit, then straiten my hair and put on light make-up. I grab my phone and walk into my kitchen then get a text from Anthony

(A=Anthony. M=Morgan)

(A)'hey remember meet us her at 9:30.'

(M) 'What?! You said 10 yesterday!'  

(A)'oh we changed the time, sorry!'

(M)'ok, you are gonna be the death of me but... omw' On my way

I grab my keys from the table and jump in my car. I drive to Starbucks and get coffees for myself and everyone else. I see the time and it's 9:10. oh shit! I drive to HQ hoping I get there in time! I get to HQ at 9:25 so I can calm down a bit. I jump out of my car and walk to a bunch of people that I hope is the Smosh gang. I walk a little closer and see Ian and Anthony right in front of the bunch. I go up to them and say "I am the best I know." as I hand them their surprise coffees. They look extremely happy to have coffee, due to how long they must have been up for. "Hey Anthony can you hold my coffee for a minuet?" He nods knowing that I'm just going to the bathroom. I start to walk to the bathrooms and I take out my phone so I can cheek Instagram. I run into something, or someone. I fall after I bump into the thing i bumped into. "I'm so sorry!" I say as I look up and see a tall blonde girl. "It's fine, I wasn't paying attention. It was probably my fault anyways!" She laughs a little. "Wait, are you Morgan? The friend of Ian and Anthony?" "Yeah! You're Courtney right?" By this time I'm off the floor. "Yeah! Anthony and Ian told us all so much about you!" "Well that's great, I look totally strange now, thanks Ian Anthony."We laugh a little then she say "See you out by the bus I'll introduce you to everyone!" "Um, okay see you in a minute!" I walk to the bathroom and do my ya know. I walk out to see everyone talking in groups as Ian and Anthony talk to Joe and everyone. I scan everyone and see Courtney talking with a tall guy with light brown/dirty blonde hair and a shorter guy with darker brown hair. She sees me and starts waving frantically telling me 'I AM HERE'. I walk over and she say "This is Morgan. This is Shayne and this is Noah." She says gesturing to all of us. "Sup." I say giving a small wave. "Wait so you've been friends with Anthony and Ian for how long?" Shayne asks. "About twelve years or so." I reply. "How?!" we all laugh a little and then we talk for a few more minutes and then eventually Courtney says "Noah forgot his bag, we'll be right back." and then they walk away. "Well, that was random." He says. I nod. We talk for another 20 minutes and then Matrub says "Ok let's go!" He says some more stuff that Shayne and I don't listen to. He then takes me up to a guy with black hair named Joven and then Joven says "Ok Shayne that's were you're sitting!" Shayne then says "Great, alright." and starts to get in. We walk on and I go near the back of the bus and sit in a seat next to the window. Anthony gets up and says "Okay everyone this is Morgan. Morgan say hi." "Hey." I say. Everyone says "Hi Morgan!" I smile and everyone goes back to what they were doing. I take out a book  from my backpack and start to read. "RAWR!" Someone screams from besides me. I look up and see Shayne. He then says "How did you not get scared?!" I chuckle a little and put my head down to hide my face. "I have three older brothers and Ian and Anthony are my best friends, I think that's kinda self explanatory." I tell him. He laughs and then Joven says "Everyone find your travel buddy, you're gonna be stuck with them for the next hour!" Shayne says "Hey, Morgan. First can I sit here," He says pointing to the seat next to me and of course I nod. He continues "and second can I be your travel buddy?" I nod a gain this time with more of a shy smile.

We ride the entire ride like that and just talk. Then we get to the camp. I now know everyone and know at least three facts about them. I jump out of the bus as soon as it stops and start to run around, after quietly asking Anthony if it was okay. Shayne starts to chase me saying in a strange old lady voice "Morgan Emily Taylor! Get back here this instant missy!" I yell "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" "Get back her young lady!" he says in the same voice. "Nope you're gonna have to catch me!" I run around at top speed then someone tackles me and I expecting to see Anthony or Ian but I turn around in someone's arms and see Shayne. "Caught ya!" I blush not expecting him that he would actually chase and catch me. We stare in each other's eyes for what seems like forever. Then I hear Anthony say "Come on you two love birds!" We get up and Flitz gives us a 'tour'. Then we get to this strange 'trust exercise' thing and I see a metal thing and immanently go over and bring my feet up and hang from it only holding on by my feet. Joven starts to climb it so I jump off. We all start to get on but then Courtney says "Morgan you have to go on, she's new to the Smosh squad!" and then everyone agrees. Shayne is the only one up there. "Do you want some help reaching his hand?" Anthony asks. I say "Naw we got dis." Looking at Shayne and he nods I get a running start then jump and Shayne grabs my hand and helps me up. Then everyone continues on to the next place.  "Um, hey Morgan, would you maybe like to date sometime?" He asks. I blush at how fast this happened. "Yeah, I'd like that." We get down and run to catch up with the group.

We catch up and the ceremony starts. It comes down to just Noah, Flitz and I. Ian says "Flitz!" Then Anthony says "Morgan!" And I'm welcomed to the Kumbayaaas.

After that we all go and play dodge ball. This is one of the few sports I rock at so when it comes down to Shayne and I, I'm not surprised. "Boyfriend vs Girlfriend, who will win?!" They all go "OOOOOHHHHH" and "AWWWWW" It's dead silence and then Shayne tries to hit me I dodge it then he tries again to no avail. He quickly grabs another ball And as he throws that one I throw the only ball on my side. It hits him right in the leg. The Kunbayaaas all celebrate in victory! Then Shayne comes up from behind me and picks me up, tossing me over his shoulder then all my team mates start to scream and Mattraub blows his whistle a bunch as we all laugh at how funny we must look.

Then the punishment comes up. We all go and throw our dodge balls (ha balls). It's my turn and I put marshmallow and then chocolate then gram cracker. I close one eye and then aim. I throw and it hits Shayne right in his face. I smile devilishly and go up and whip his eye and then say "Beat ya!" He opens his eyes and then kisses me right on the lips after we pull back I blush and have chocolate all over my face now. I lick my lips and say "Mmmm, chocolate!" Everyone laughs and Shayne keeps on smiling like a doof.  

I yawn as I wake up from a long night. I look at my phone that's on the bedside table and see it's 9:36, a decent time to wake up. I get up off my bed and change out of my night shirt and into my bathing suit. I put in my clear contacts and then run out the door quietly and then when I'm finally out the door I run as fast as I can to the huge pool. I jump in with a canon ball, making a huge splash. I start to swim up for the bottom of the pool up to the top. When I resurface I see that another person's in the pool. "Hey Anthony!" I say happily. "Hey Morgan, I was surprised to see you up this early and in the pool!" "Well, yeah. My phone doesn't work so no vine, instagram, or youtube." I see out of the corner of my eye, a squirt gun! I swim over to it as fast as I can, pretty fast. I grab it and fill it up. Then I release all of it on what I think is Anthony. I look and see that it's Shayne. He goes wide eyed and gasp like I hit him with a real bullet. Since he was out of the pool but still in his bathing suit, he falls forwards making a wave. Anthony and I laugh at his over dramatic acting. I start to laugh so hard that I have to close my eyes due to how hard I'm laughing. Then I feel strong hands lift me up and throw me. I don't get scared but I know enough to close my eyes. Once I'm under water I put my feet together and start to swim. I get back up, whip my eyes and swim over to Shayne and slap him on the arm. "You dick!" I say laughing a little.

After a few hours of playing in the pool I start to get shivers down my spine so I say "I'm gonna get out." They all nod and I walk out then change into a t shirt that says 'give me a minute while I pretend to care' and black yoga pants then some neon blue sneakers. I grab my phone and connect my blue tooth headphones then bring up Spotify 'Thank god I got premium.' I think remembering that I wouldn't be able to listen to music while I was out here. I walk out of my room and then remember that there's woods all around camp. I decide to go exploring the woods. I start to walk with my headphones on and I walk for about ten minutes and then see a clearing with one beautiful tree in the middle. I climb up the branches and then sit on one large on. I feel my phone start to vibrate in my pocket. I take it out and look at who it is. Mike, my ex, was texting me. I look and see what he's saying. 'Hey whore, how's your shitty life? Oh it's shitty, how did I know?!' Tears start to fall down my cheeks as I remember what he did to me. I look at my wrist and see the scars, from him. I think back to that night. 'I had just got home from work and see him at the kitchen table with a knife in his hand.' I get snapped out of my thoughts with a shift on the tree. I look up and see Anthony sitting next to me. "It's okay." He says as he pulls me into a hug. I start to cry more. He holds me and says "It's okay." I cry into his chest then feel my phone again and see it's Shayne 'Morgan, it's ok that you have feelings for Anthony but just don't drag me along. This is me braking up with you, I hope you and Anthony are happy together.' I cry harder.

--Anthony's point of view--

"Where's Morgan?" Shayne asks worried. I look around for my closest girl friend. I can't find her any where. We all start to look around and then I start to walk in the woods knowing she loves how peaceful the woods are. I walk for a few minutes and then see Morgan in a tree crying as she looks at her phone. I climb the tree and sit next to her and say "It's okay." I look at her still opened phone and see that Mike, her abusive ex had texted her. I hug her and she cries into my chest. 'Why the hell did that fucker text her?!' I think angrily. her phone then goes off again and I see Shayne's name pop up on her phone. She reads it then cries harder, that can't be good. We sit like that for another thirty, or so, minutes then she stops crying and I look down and see she fell asleep. I pick her up gently and climb down the tree as carefully as I can. I walk back to camp with Morgan's light body in my arms. Then I bring her back to her room that she shares with Mari, her closest girl friend from Smosh. I put her on the bottom bunk and put a light blanket on top of her. I look at the time and see that it's eleven at night. I walk into my room that I share with Ian and see Shayne "Why?" he asks. "Why what?" I ask back confused. "I love Morgan, and she likes you." "No she doesn't, we're just friends." "Then why where you hugging her, and she was just letting you?!" "She was crying, her a-ex" I cut myself off thinking she wouldn't want people to know. "Texted her some shit and I was comforting her then you texted and she cried harder." "What?" "Yeah." "Oh my god, no no no!"he says and then I notice his red puffy eyes, he had been crying. "It's okay, what did you text her?" "I broke up with her." Everyone knew that they where dating. We all thought it was cute. "You need to apologize to her!" "But, how?" "She loves romantic things, and look at her Spotify her username is Nerdygirl820." "Okay, thanks man!" "No prob."

~~Morgan's POV~~ I get up and walk into the kitchen. I make my tea and walk back to my room. I take my phone off the night stand next to my bed. I look at Instagram.. till it doesn't load anything because of the shitty phone service. Then it says I have a new notification. I look and see it's on Instagram, Shayne posted something. I look at it and it says 'Morgan, go outside!' And the picture is of the cabins. 'How he hell did he get service?!' I get dressed in some jeans and a sweatshirt. I put my hair in a bun and walk out to see a long trail of rose petals. There is a note that says 'I'm sorry I now know I was a dick....' I follow the petals to the next note. '...and I'm truly sorry for that...' I continue to follow. '... it was stupid I should have know you wouldn't cheat...' I see a large picnic in the middle of a field. The rose petals go all around it. I sit down and open up the picnic basket and see another note. '... but know it's time for you to turn around.' I turn around and see Shayne with a dozen of roses. He walks towards me and says "I'm sorry Morgan. I just thought," He trails off. I hug him tightly. "It's okay, I understand just, next time maybe think about maybe talking to me first." I say cracking a joke. He smiles as we pull away from the hug. He hands me the flowers and says "Well, I would hate for this picnic to go to waste!" He goes and sits on one side of the blanket. I sit across from him and look at what food he made. He made two sandwiches, pb and j, two apples, diet coke, and six cookies. I start to eat the sandwich when out of no where Shayne asks "Can I kiss you?" I look him in the eye and tell him "Yes." He leans forward and kisses me on the lips. It wasn't a fake kiss, one that you would love as a thirteen year old. It was a real kiss, ya know one of the kisses where there is no gravity anymore, and after your lips tingle for hours. It was an amazing kiss, one I can only describe as fireworks. After that we talk about everything we can think of, and by the time we are done, we need to head back. It's dark when we get back and everyone is in there rooms asleep. Shayne kisses my cheek and say "Good night princess." I smile and say "Good night Amore." We walk to our rooms. I change into my cossie pj's and get into bed. I'm so tiered right as my head hit's the pillow I fall asleep. Today was one of the best day ever, I'm so happy I'm back with Shayne.

It's been year since the 'best summer of my life' and now a new chapter of my life has begun, Shane and I broke up a few weeks ago, we ended on good terms and we are still friend; we just weren't really 'in love', the spark wasn't there anymore. . But on the upside me and Damien have gotten closer.