#*I take a long drag on my cigarette*....adhd

[coquettemouse]

Piper: open your eyes and close your mouth

Leo:😝

Piper: no Leo

*later*

Leo: open your eyes and close your mouth

Jason: 😐..?

Leo: damnit

[ilyxxnsm]

True Love 01

| is true love supposed to hurt like this?

warning: domestic violence, toxicity. don't judge. smut. reader's body type briefly mentioned. reader's ethnicity's not mentioned, but she's light skinned to white. mental health mentioned (medication, depression, anxiety, ADHD, etc). implied self harm (skin pinching, nail biting, scratching, hair pulling). of course physical abuse (hair pulling, slapping, pinching, punching, he breaks bones be fr, hickeys and bite marks??). drug dealer yoongi. everything against reader. reader's 17, yoongi's 23. this is fucked up, like really fucked up.

| my life by your side was fucked, and now my soul is full of cysts, every time I see my dark circles, I curse the day you put it inside me...

You're laying naked on your bed, feeling the sting of the slaps on your cheek, the bruises his grip left on your body and the hickeys he gave to your neck, you feel happy, despite the pain, cause he's back. He's sitting on the edge of the bed, smoking a cigarette while he reads an article about his favorite rapper, he's not even looking at you.

"Yoongi..."

Reaching to hold his hand gently you call him, like you always do, in contrast with his his rough and possesive grip. You can feel his long, slender calloused fingers and you just want to feel them inside you, but you don't wanna sound greedy, cause you know that'll inflate his ego. But he can read you from head to toe, he knows what you want, how you want it and he's so proud of himself for having you like this, do submissive and ready for him.

"What is it, baby?" He murmurs, leaning closer to you. You can smell the strong scent of tobacco on his breath and feel the heat emanating from him. You're too shy to say it, but he feels in a nice mood today so he's not gonna make you beg. He presses the tip of his cigarette against your thigh, rubbing it until it stops burning and leaving a painful burn mark on you thigh. He lets out a chuckle as you flinch slightly from the burn on your thigh. There he could go, holding you, showing you he loves you, but he don't do nice shit. He told you, his version of loving you was making you his and "You good, baby?" It hurt like hell, but you can't complain cause that'll only feed his need of makin you suffer, so you swallow your sobs and bite your pouty lips, lips he loves to see tremble and bleed.

He watches as your pupils dilate with desire and pain, he knows you're trying to put on a brave face, but he don't care. He just wants to do whatever it takes to make you break down. His hands grips your thighs harder, leaving bruises behind. He takes another drag of his cigarette and puts it out on the ashtray before putting his hand on your cheek, tracing your smooth skin with his calloused thumb, just to raise his hand and land a hard slap across your face.

He sneers at the sound of your whimper, enjoying the sight of marks staining your face, the reddish mark blending with your pale skin making it a sight to behold. Your hands go to your reddening cheek as tears brimming your eyes. He doesn't care for the tears, they're just a bonus as he watch them fall down your face, staining your cheeks with wet mascara tracks, making you look so pretty and vulnerable, just how he loves it. He leans down, pressing his lips on yours, taking your breath away, tasting the salt from your tears and the sweetness of your lip balm. His hands move up to your wrists and he holds them above your head, immobilizing you as he deepens the kiss. You feel so utterly in love with him, like he could ask you to jump off the highest building and you would without a second thought. You love him so much, and nothing he does could ever change that.

He chuckles before biting your lower lip, tugging at it. His free hand wraps around your neck, squeezing tightly and making you gasp for air. It hurts, and you know it's gonna leave a big bruise on your throat, but you don't complain. He chuckles darkly at your muffled protest, feeling you squirm under him, the feeling makes him harder, and that ticks him off more, his arousal making him do stupid, stupid shit. He watches you, his dark eyes devouring you completely, the bruises around your neck, the purple marks he left on your thighs, your red cheeks, your swollen abused lips, your still sore pussy after such rough fucking, his work of art. You look like you've been through hell, and it honestly looks good on you. His grip tightens a little, but just enough to make you shut up without knocking you out.

He grins darkly as he watches you, his other hand now trailing down your chest, his middle finger tracing your bruised and bleeding pussy lips, he smirks before pushing it into you a little, just enough to remind you of the rough fucking you had earlier, as he watches the small mix of pain and delight on your reddened face, your eyes a bit unfocused as he chokes harder. He laughs darkly before slowly easing his finger in and out of your abused pussy, he can feel your body responding to him, your warm little pussy trying to grip onto his one and only finger. Your walls contract slightly around him, not sure if you are trying to fucking push him out or trap him in there. You let tiny choked whimpers, your body pressing against the mattress as your hands hold on to the bedsheets.

He grins before slowly adding two fingers, making you gasp loudly as he easily stretches you open with his thick and long fingers, your swollen pussy struggles to accommodate him, leaving a tiny trail of blood on his fingers, blood he drew a few hours later from fucking you raw without preparation. His grip on your neck is not as tight as before, since he's too focused on your pussy. It hurts, but since it's him, you don't complain and take it gratefully. He starts to slowly thrust his fingers in and out of your pussy, your tiny abused hole gushing pre-cum, such a sight to see. His fingers curl up, trying to scrape against that little button inside you and make you scream for him, yet again. He lets go of your throat, smirking as he watches you gasp for air, and now his whole attention goes to your sweet cunt, two fingers buried inside you and one rubbing your clit.

He watches with a little amazements as your belly starts to bulge, a sign of your womb contracting around his fingers, welcoming him and suck his fingers inside you, his breath hitches, while he feels himself hardening even more by the beautiful sight in front of him, you twitching and whimpering in a torturing pleasure. You sob in ecstacy, covering your mouth with your trembling fingers as you feel your orgasm building up.

He stops his torturous motions, and takes his hand out of you, his fingers glistening with your wetness, he brings it up to his face, smelling your scent deeply on his fingers before he licks them clean with pleasure, you taste so sweet, he could eat you out every day and never get tired. He watched you whimper in frustration after your interrupted orgasm, but he's going to give you something even better.

He lets a wicked smirk free, he slowly unbuttons his jeans and then take it down with his boxers, he has a hard now, his large cock intimidating as it throbs for you, flushed and ready. He chuckles again as he watches you keep yourself busy by rubbing yourself on his hardening bulge, he watches with pure lust in his eyes. He moves himself and laid on the bed, his hands beside his body as he smirks at you. "Go ahead, baby, ride me."

He felt the heat coming from your pussy as you sit on his thighs, slowly sliding down, feeling him stretching out your insides. His cock twitches inside you, he gritted his teeth in restraint as he watches you start moving up and down, holding in the painful whimpers threading to escape from the wide stretching. You always struggle to take him inside since he's like 10-11 inches, sometimes he's nice and let's you ride him to go to your own pace, sometimes he fucks you dry and raw, tearing your walls and not giving a fuck.

He let's you go on with your own pace, watching you fuck him and play yourself, he grabs your tits and twists your nipples, he sees the sweet pain in your eyes as you get ready to cum soon. A groan escapes his lips, he can feel himself about to cum inside you. He loves dominating you, fucking you so bad and making you cry, and that's exactly what he's gonna do when this first "vanilla" round is over.

He feels your pussy clenching his thick cock, squeezing him, he lets himself go as he thrusts his hips up and releases inside your tight pussy, groaning and feeling your tight walls milking him dry. Catching his breath, Yoongi slaps your cheek gently, pulling you to look at him. He smirks at the wet and hot look on your face as you cum on his cock, your juices flowing out of your pussy like a river as you sob in delight, so fucking cute.

He smirks, pulling out of you and watching your pussy gush, loving the sight of seeing you so fucked out on his bed. "Fucking little needy bitch." He uses his semi-limp dick to continue smearing his cum and juices around in and out of your needy pussy and rubbing it on your swollen clit. He grabs his boxers and stuffs them into your mouth in some kind of improvised gag before turning you around onto your stomach, pressing your head against the mattress with his hand.

He's not done with you, not by a long shot. The fact that you're such a easy and willing slut really turns him on, he doesn't even know why he broke up with you if he can have this every night. He's pretty sure he's never going to be able to be satisfied enough by just fucking you once and he wants to hear you scream, so he spits in your asshole, spreading it around with his fingers before aligning his cock with your tight hole.

He growls at the feeling, the tightness of your ass makes him choke up. He wants to fuck you so bad that he sees stars for a moment. "How does it fucking feel, huh? Pretty fucking good?" He doesn't even wait for an answer, he grabs onto your hair and pins your hands behind your back as he roughly fucks your ass, the wet slaps of his hips against you the only real noise in the room aside from your moans from his boxer-gag.

He's gone insane. He knows he's insane. But he cannot stop his actions, he wants to fuck you so hard that you forget your own name. He sees how your body reacts to him, the goosebumps on your skin, the painful muffled moans. The rougher he gets, the more you react, and it's absolutely maddening to him. He leans down and whispers harshly in your ear, "You like that, doll? You want me to fuck you harder? Hmm?" He coos, smacking your ass once but hard.

The sounds you make, the cute as fuck and god-damn sensual fucking moans that come from you even with the boxer-gag, it literally drives the man insane, wanting to fuck you in every way and every hole. He groans as he starts to thrust even faster, his pace relentless and unforgiving. He can feel the pressure building up in his balls, the tension that makes him almost dizzy. "Fuck..." He groans, it feels so fucking good.

He bites his lower lip as he feels himself getting closer to the edge. He wants to drag it out, make you cum over and over again before he allows himself that sweet release but it's so hard to hold back when he can feel just how much your body loves what he's doing to you. He hears your begging, he sees your trembling whole body almost pleading for that cum, that release. He sees the desperation on your drooling face, the flushed cheeks, the teary eyes.

Yoongi pulls back, his thrusts becoming even rougher as he smacks your ass again in that hard, very fucking satisfying motion which only a sadistic asshole like him would be able to pull off without a care in a world. He gives into it. Fuck. He can't hold back anymore and he doesn't want to. With one hard, deep thrust he pushes himself over the edge, grunting deeply as every muscle in his body clenches and tightens with each pulse of his cock inside your bowels. The feeling of his hot cum makes you come too, your ass clenching tightly around his cock. You choke out a few weak whimpers against the gag, tears streaming down your face as you cum so hard you almost faint.

He smirks, panting softly, looking down at the sight of his cum leaking out of your asshole and running down your thighs. He watches you with a dark possessive gleam in his eyes, his body still pressed up against yours. He knows he's hurt you, but it feels to good to stop, he likes to see you in pain, and he knows you like it too. He spreads your asscheeks, admiring your swollen red puckered hole gushing out his cum and your legs trembling like jelly.

He can see strands of cum running down your thighs and pussy lips and it's such a sight to see. He leans down to press a kiss against your tender asscheek, you smells like sex and baby powder, a dangerous combo, you always smell so good. He takes his boxers out for your mouth and you can finally breath correctly, saliva dripping out of your mouth as you take a few seconds to regain consciousness, you feel dazed, like this was a nightmare, a very good and exciting nightmare.

He gives you a cruel smile, enjoying seeing you that vulnerable, looking so fragile like a broken doll. He lays next to you and pulls you into his arms, his hands kneading your ass tightly as your body rests against his and your head against his chest, hearing his heart beat going steadier every minute. You love him so much, despite his rough sex, his aggressive manners, his cold demeanor and his unknown feelings for you, you feel the most pure innocent love for him, uninterested and puppy love.

He puts his hand in your hair, threading his fingers through your soft strands. He leans down to press a light kiss against your lips, so gentle and sweet that it sends shivers down your spine. He whispers in your ear. "Can't even make me cum right but I still fuck you because I want you to remember who you belong to" He whispers, he knows it's not true, he stopped cheating on you cause no girl could please him like you do, but he loves to say this type of stuff so you allow him to go further and further every time, eager to please him and be the best for him.

His arms wrap tighter around your waist, pulling you closer. He runs his thumb over your lips, forcing them to part before slipping it into your mouth, letting it slide against your tongue. "You're such a pretty doll," He whispers, pressing a single peck to your lips, making you whimper for more. He kisses your neck and nibbles on its delicate skin, working his way down, leaving a line of hickeys on your neck and chest for everyone to see.

He wants to fuck you again, he wants to fuck you so bad you scream and beg him to stop, so bad you bleed and pass out. But you're already so spent and tired, he's not a monster either, do he decides to stop, for tonight, at least. He ruffles your hair and presses a kiss against your temple. "Sleep" He says as he stands up to put his clothes back on, lighting a cigarette and standing near the window to smoke.

You wrap yourself in the bedsheets, feeling your body aching. Your cunt and ass are still sore, so you shift uncomfortably and press your thugs together trying to ease the pain, you can still feel his cum inside you, probably you'll be dripping it until tomorrow. But you feel happy, you feel loved, you feel fine cause he's back. He's everything you need, no matter what he does or how much he hurts you, you could never hate him.

The next day, you wake up feeling happy. Yoongi is sleeping peacefully next to you, snoring with his arm thrown over his eyes, still like a mummy. You smile and get off bed carefully, trying to not wake him up as you walk towards the bathroom to clean yourself. As you look into the mirror, you can see the bruises and hickeys he left all over your body. You have a large bruise on your throat from where he choked you last night and one on the back of both of your thighs and on your ass from the harsh pounding.

You take a deep breath and move your hair back away from your neck, tracing the bruises on your skin with your fingers. You let out a sigh, touching them gently before turning around and looking down at the bruises on the back of your thighs. You can't go to school like this, so you'll have to wait until they disappear. You take a quick shower, watching as his cum drips out of your sore cunt and asshole. You finish cleaning yourself up and look back into the mirror. Yoongi's cum is no longer staining your thighs, but the bruises he left behind are still evident of the force he had behind the previous night. It made you smile happily, if only just a little. You walk out of the bathroom wearing only one of his shirts that looks huge on you and a pair of panties, your stomach is empty, but that's just normal after he rearranged your insides last night.

You go to the small kitchen of your apartment to make yourself a coffee, your mind still replaying last night's events. You pour some coffee into a cup and add some milk and vanilla, stirring it softly before taking a sip. Just as you're doing so, feeling your throat ache as you swallow, you feel a rough spank against your ass, the stinging pain making you flinch and almost drop your coffee. You turn around inmediatly, watching Yoongi chuckling to himself in amusement.

"Morning" He grabs your waist and pulls you closer, rubbing his morning wood against your stomach. You giggle shyly, trying to push him away as he kisses your neck hungrily. "Yoongi..." You chuckle, gasping as his hands squeeze your ass cheeks harshly, his rough touch making you feel butterflies in your belly. Sometimes you feel like there's something wrong with you, maybe you're a masochist who likes pain, but you don't like pain, you just like his abuse.

He smirks at your response and grabs your thighs, lifting you up quickly and placing you on the counter top. You blush furiously as he smirks and takes his pants off, showing his rock hard cock that's already leaking pre cum, it looks so pretty and swollen, you just want to make him cum inside you and feel good. He pushes your panties aside and thrusts into you without any preparation, you're not wet yet, so you wince in pain as his cock stretches and tears your walls.

He doesn't care about your reaction, he starts to fuck you hard, grunting and moaning on every thrust. You cry in pain, tears falling down your cheeks as his thrusts hit your womb, making you bleed and bruise a little. He doesn't care, he never cares. "Fuck" He lets out a breathless chuckle, it's cute how even when you're hurting, you don't tell him to stop or push him again, such willing and easy slut with such a delicious cunt.

He starts to speed up, slamming his dick inside your pussy raw and hard, causing you to bleed more. His rough hands grab at your soft flesh, leaving bruises and red marks on your thighs for days after. He grabs your face, making you look at him in the eyes as he keeps fucking you, brutally and without mercy. His cold eyes make you shiver a little, but you don't dare to look away, he would scold you if you did. "Oh my fucking God..." He growls as he feels your tiny ass hands grip his forearms, your cute lips pouting and drooling.

He leans down to kiss you, his rough tongue fucking your mouth while he fucks your cunt. One of his hands reaches for your throat, gripping it lightly at first and then more strongly as he chokes you a little. Your tears fall on him, the saltiness mixing with his own sweat. He loves to hear you scream and moan, it shows how much you crave him to touch you, to fuck you. He loves taking what he wants, and right now it's your wet tight cunt.

He pulls out of you with a loud growl, his cum dripping from your cunt and onto the counter. He smacks your ass brutally, causing you to whimper and cry even more, but he knows how much you love it, how good it makes you feel. "Get on your knees." He commands you and you obey inmediatly, he chuckles while wiping his dick on your face, watching you as you close your eyes and open your mouth to catch every single drop.

He grins at you, wiping a stray tear from your cheek with a rough finger. "I love it when you cry, it's just so fucking hot." He says as he pushes your head down onto his cock again, forcing you to suck him dry of your own spit. You choke and gag, but you don't pull away or try to push him, you just take it. He grabs your hair in a pony tail to handle your head better, rocking your head back and forth, feeling your throat squeeze his tip and your cute lips suck him.

He moans loudly as you deep throat him, your spit dripping from his dick and onto the floor. He's close to coming but he wants to enjoy it for a bit more, teasing your mouth with shallow thrusts. You look so fucking pretty, tears falling of your shiny innocent eyes, flushed cheeks, swollen lips around his shaft and hollowed cheeks. He grabs his phone and takes some pics, just to have something to jerk off to later, he has thousands of pics of you, he didn't even ask you if you were ok with it but you didn't say no either.

He groans as he comes inside your mouth, holding your head tightly and shoving his cock deep in your mouth so you can't spit it out. He watches you as you swallow it all, cum dripping from the corner of your mouth. He throws your hair back gently before giving you a little slap on the cheek with his semi-hard cock, his other hand he takes to his phone to record you while he pumps the last drops on your lips and cheeks.

He gives you a satisfied smile as he watches the mess he made on your face. He takes off his wet cock out of your mouth, pushing it against your face, rubbing it all over, enjoying seeing you like this a little more than he should. He grabs your chin and wipes off the remaining cum from your face with his thumb, before sticking it in your mouth for you to suck clean. You do it happily, breathing heavily and looking up at him with such adoration and submission.

He's the love of your life, you've said it before and you stand behind it. Nothing he does could change that.

Nothing.

[aanylah-101]

The Other Side

ੈ✩‧₊˚ Warnings; ❌

ੈ✩‧₊˚ Word Count; 1K (Short story)

I had been here for a while, I was In the nursing department but when shown to have better ability to record stats I was moved to the Bio-Lab and Grace Augitens RDA department. I never focused on the labels or only when my ADHD forced me to. 

But one person would change my life forever...

Quite cheesy huh?

"...into the bio-lab, we're gonna spend a lot of time up here"

I heard Norm say as he entered, 

"Hey! How you doing? Norm, avatar driver"

"Hey Norm!" 

"Oh! Aanylah! Jake this is aanylah she Is Grace's assistant and Is a goddess at stats"

"Why thank you norm," I say smiling 

"Hello Jake! It's lovely to meet you, I've heard so much about you"

"Like my brother?" he said unbothered 

"Oh..yeah..I'm so sorry about that. I don't find you an inconvenience at all y'know"

"Come on..! I'll show you to your avatars!"

"They're coming out" someone yelled

"Oh god," Grace said sighing as she sat up out of her link,

She was about to yell for her things until she saw me holding her cigarette & her lab coat with the same go-lucky happy smile I always had whenever I first saw her, 

"Welcome back Grace!"

"How long have you been standing here?" she said grabbing her things from my grasp 

"Only until the announcement, I promise," I said playfully smiling 

I saw Jake and Norm again so I decided to Introduce everyone, just like how we did as kids 

"Oh! Grace, this Is Norm Spellman & Jake Sully!"

"Norm, I hear good things about you. How's your Na'vi?"

"May the All Mother...smile upon our first meeting"

"Not bad. You sound a little formal"

"I studied for five years...but there Is much to learn"

"And Jake Sully!" I said presenting him playfully 

"Ma'am," he said reaching his hand out to shake hers

Yeah, yeah. I know who you are. and I don't need you. I need your brother"

"You know, the PHD who trained for 3 years for this mission"

"Grace.."

"He's dead, I know It's a big inconvenience for everyone," he said looking at me, I only softened my eyes looking away

"How much lab training have you had?"

"I dissected a frog once"

"You see? You see?. I mean, they're just pissing on us without the courtesy of calling It rain"

"I'm going to Selfridge"

"-No, Grace"

"I don't think that's a good Idea-"

"No man this is such bullshit!" she said storming off

She realized she had left me behind so she grabbed my wrist dragging me along with her.

"Oh, come on grace.."

"No, there's no reason why he should be sticking his nose in my department"

I sighed and kept up my pace with her,

When we approached him he was playing golf with a random putter, a golf ball, and a mug.

"Parker, you know, I used to think It was benign neglect, but now I see that you are intentionally screwing me," she said letting go of my wrist so that way she could talk with hers.

Parker wasn't taking too much care Into the situation, he just kept playing his game In the middle of a heavily busy workroom.

"Grace you know, I enjoy our little talks," he said hitting the ball once again only for Grace to kick the cup away last minute

"Oops," she said bored looking back up at him

I instinctively went to go fix the positions of everything but grace only held out her arm pushing me back and blocking me.

"I need a researcher. Not some jarhead dropout"

"Well actually, I thought we got lucky with him," he said walking over to fix his game I would have fixed If I could've"

"Lucky?"

"-Yeah" 

"How Is this In any way lucky?"

"Uh, lucky your guy had a twin brother, and lucky that brother wasn't some oral hygienist or something"

He walked over to a table with a hologram of an area hovering on It and me & grace followed,

"A Marine we can use," he said handing his stuff off to someone else

"I'm assigning him to your team as secuirty escort."

"The last thing I need Is another trigger-happy moron out there" 

"Look, look, you're supposed to be winning the hearts and the minds of the natives. Isn't that the whole point of your little puppet show?"

"If you look like them and you talk like them, then they'll start trusting us"

"We build them a school, we teach them English, but what? after how many years? Relationships with the indigenous are only getting worse"  

"Yeah well that tends to happen when you used machine guns on them" she snapped

I knew Parker hit a weak spot for Grace so I gently went to hold her hand and she accepted It,

"Right, come here," he said leading us Into a connected room of the workplace

He picked up a piece of a rock floating by one of our devices, I honestly never saw the vaule on an everyday item.

"This Is why we're here, Unobtanium. Because this little grey rock sells for 20 Million a kilo"

"Woah..20 Million?" I say In an awed whisper, grace chuckled softly squeezing my hand for a second,

"That's the only reason. It's what pays for the whole party. It's what pays for your science"

"Comprehndo?"

"Now those savages are threatening our whole operation, we're on the brink of war and you're supposed to be finding a diplomatic solution," he said lightly tapping the table

"So use what you've got, and get me some results."

With that, the rest of the day was filled with Grace cussing out Parker, and I sat through every word of It.

Today Norm & Jake would get to test their avatars, I got mine a little over 2 weeks ago but there were some malfunctions so today I would happily be testing mine too! Grace didn't know about my Avatar delivery so I was excited I would get to surprise her.

I logged In and woke up In the cabin where we rested our Avatar bodies, I got up and went outside to find Grace. I found her outside with what looked like Jake & Norm.

"Grace!" I said waving to her

She turned and saw me walking towards her not knowing who I was at first but she could always recognize my go-happy tone of voice when greeting her. (or someone else)

"Aa?" she said In disbelief 

"Hi Grace!"

"Damn, not bad," she said smirking 

I was hit and caught with awe and smiled at her, 

Did she like me?

"Come on, everybody, quiet down!" Grace was escorting everyone to bed and hurrying the scientist out of the cabin

"All right, gang, lights out."

"Come on, Louise chop-chop."

I was heading to bed myself when grace was directing everyone, we had tags on the top behind our beds for who slept where. I had stepped down to lie down and glanced down at the bed next to me.

Grace's name was there

I smiled, I thought It was cute how me and her would be sleeping right next to each other, even If we wouldn't be In our own bodies It was still a nice thought. 

I wasn't sleeping right next to her.. one way or another. With that, when she switched off the lights I layed down and let myself drift off back to my own body.

____________________________________________________________

Thanks for reading <3 Bye Angels! 🕊🤍

Friends; @yourfavsuccubus22 @milequaritchsslut

[depressedbagpipe]

"Blackbird to Robin, do you copy?" (Billy Russo x ofc)

Chapter two

Words: 4223 Warnings: smoking, reader being poor, mentions of alcohol, minor foul-language. A/N: i owe u guys an apology. my adhd has been acting up and my new hyperfixation (aka f1 drivers) didn't help. I've been rewriting this chapter for weeks because i never liked how it looked when finished and I'm still not sure i like it now, but it's certainly better than it was before. thank u guys so much for waiting <3 also i have zero idea about how the ivy league works so just pretend dana is getting her master's degree Taglist: @badasseddy, @noortsshift, @britishbassett

Series Masterlist Previous chapter <> Next chapter

Chapter two

The glaring red numbers of my nightstand clock showed it was only two in the morning, yet no matter how many times I had tossed and turned in bed, I couldn’t fall asleep. My eyes had been closed ever since I got under the duvet, wrapped in extra blankets hoping the soft material would lull me into a much-needed rest to escape the nightmarish evening. But my mind was still reeling even after more than an hour of simply laying there. Every interaction, every conversation, every gesture, absolutely everything I had ever done was coming in quick flashes in my head, making it impossible to sleep. So I gave up.

None of it felt real. Only twenty-four hours ago I was stressing about making enough tips to pay for the week’s rent and remembering the many due dates for the upcoming semester’s assignments. Now, I had an ex-marine turned bodyguard sleeping in the other room while someone out there had threatened to kill me.

My head spun slightly when I got up, throwing the warm covers off my body and stretching a bit once I was back on my feet. I looked around the dark room, where the only light came from the big window. The city was alive outside, yet only a few sounds slipped through the cracks in the walls. 

Grabbing the sweater I had draped over a chair, I walked to the window and opened it, relishing in the cold air that blew on my face as I stepped onto the fire escape. I sat on the iron stairs that stood on the left side, carefully tugging the fabric closer to my body with shaky hands. I stared out at the street that extended before me, once again becoming a mere observer of the world around me. Despite the street not being a particularly busy one, many people walked below me, some of them with heavy suitcases, walking fast, and others with hidden alcohol bottles in their hands, walking slowly. My fingers grazed the corner of the cigarette packet that had been left forgotten in my sweater’s pocket. The sudden urge overpowered my brain, and before I could stop myself, my hands were automatically lighting one up and bringing it closer to my lips. My lungs welcomed the dark smoke like an old friend, making me close my eyes while the haziness that clouded my mind slowly dissipated. 

‘You shouldn’t smoke,’ a voice spoke on my right. 

I jumped at the suddenness, almost dropping the cigarette in surprise. Opening my eyes, I found Billy, casually leaning on the wall at the far end of the fire escape, with the window leading to the living room wide open. 

I sent him a look.

‘It’s bad for your health,’ he nodded at the packet in my hand. 

‘I’m not a smoker,’ I responded, a mixed cloud of vapor and smoke escaping through my lips.

‘That’s what every smoker says.’

He was still wearing his suit, with his jacket long abandoned. He had one leg crossed over the other and his back resting on the old bricks. His tied moved with the wind, and so did a few strays of hair. He wasn’t looking at me; his eyes faced forwards, examining the opposite building, and the many lives that inhabited it through the lit windows.

‘It’s more of a social convenience,’ I responded before taking another drag. 

The cigarette dangled between my fingers, following his eyes. The familiar weight still felt foreign in my hand.

‘Yet you’re alone now.’

‘Care to join me, then?’ I pulled another from the packet, offering it to him. 

Billy turned to me with tired eyes. His pupils blended with the irises in the night. With a few steps towards me, he swiftly grabbed it in his fingers. I grabbed the lighter again, igniting it as I continued it. ‘Just needed another one. It’s been a long day.’

Billy got closer, lowering his head, the cigarette firm between his lips, to light it up. The close proximity made me shiver. Whether it was from the cold or not, I couldn’t tell.

‘Tell me about it,’ he raised his eyebrows before he took a long drag. He took a couple of steps back and closed his eyes in relief. The light clench of his jaw seemed to disappear almost immediately. 

My lips curved at the sight. ‘I thought smoking was bad for your health,’ I teased, watching rather marveled how he effortlessly carried on.

He shook his head with a light smirk. ‘Social convenience,’ he said, looking at me for a split second before returning his gaze to the other building.

We stood there for a while in complete silence. The ashes pooled at our feet before finally slipping through the gaps in the iron and falling to their oblivion. We were the only ones on the fire escape, most of my neighbors being of old age already in bed hours ago. Billy kept his distance but remained closer to me after grabbing the cigarette. I didn’t know who he was doing it for, but the quick glances I took at his figure almost made me wish he were standing closer. There was no denying he was extremely attractive, but the circumstances were impossible to ignore. Even if no threat had ever come my way, Billy still represented everything I was trying to fight against.

‘I’m sorry,’ I suddenly spoke.

Those words have been mulling in my brain for some while, but until that moment, I had been too afraid to say anything. Whatever peace we had found between us wasn’t strong enough, and yet I had broken it without much thought. 

‘Hm?’ he answered. I knew he had been somewhere else just by the way his posture became rigid again. He moved his head slightly, just enough to know he had heard me, but it wasn’t until I repeated the words that he looked back at me. ‘What for?’

‘I know I’m not the most…’ I paused. ‘Cooperative person. And you’re just trying to do your job,’ I looked down at my fingers. My cigarette was almost gone, just the filter left like a tiny speck of dust in my hand. ‘I don’t mean to be hostile, I just…’ I rubbed my eyes, anything to distract me from his intoxicating eyes. ‘I’m not used to having people care about me. Paid or not,’ I added in a low voice. 

Billy didn’t answer for a few seconds. Some cops were patrolling underneath us, threatening a group of young boys to go back to their homes. New York was never a silent place, yet for some reason, Billy’s silence was louder. 

‘I’m sorry, too,’ he finally replied. 

I dared to look at him. This time our roles had been reversed; he was the one looking down now. The tip of his expensive show was pressing down the residue of his cigarette. ‘Sometimes I forget that my life isn’t the norm for everyone. Ambushing you at your university, and the interrogation…’ he trailed off.

I physically winced at the memory. ‘Not the best approach,’ I attempted to joke, copying his movements and putting my cigarette out too.

‘There’s never a good approach. Sometimes you gotta numb yourself to carry on. Otherwise, it’s too much.’

He turned fully to me. The wind had picked up, and his hair little resembled his prior combed perfection. Now, it seemed alive. Human.

‘I swear I didn’t know about your mom. Or your whole life, for that matter,’ he spoke. He regarded me with such intensity that I had to will myself to not look away. He was clearly sending a message, and he was intending for me to receive it.

‘I know. You’re just doing your job. It’s alright,’ was my response. Gone was the peace of the cold night. I wanted to hide in my room again, away from this conversation, and away from him.

I hid my trembling hands in my pockets.

He shook his head. ‘It’s not in my nature to be gentle.’

My breath got stuck in my throat. ‘I’d expect that from Frank, to be honest. But not from you,’ I tried to keep the conversation light. Anything to escape the depth his eyes withheld. ‘I think I’m gonna get some sleep now,’ I whispered. 

My silent way out.

He nodded. ‘You feeling better now?’ he took a couple of steps back, allowing me to stand up and walk down the few stairs to his level.

‘Yeah. Thank you, for the social convenience,’ I shrugged. 

Maybe, just by being nonchalant, he wouldn’t know what really went through my mind. But then again, even I didn’t know what was going through my mind. 

‘Anytime,’ he nodded.

He offered his hand for me to climb through my window. I looked at it for a split second before taking it, the warmth of his hand encompassing my naturally cold one as I grabbed the window sill, ducking under the arch. I thanked him quietly once I was safely inside, turning around to shrug my sweater off and back to its place on the chair. I felt his eyes on my back, following my every move around my room, but I dared not look back at him. I pulled the heavy curtains, suddenly feeling self-conscious. I was once again alone in the dark, with just my thoughts to keep my company. Before they got too much, I got back into my duvet. This time, it didn’t take me long to finally fall asleep. 

···

‘Really, you don’t have to do this, Billy,’ I shook my head as he swiped his card at the register. ‘I may be broke, but I can still pay for my own coffee.’

He sent the young barista a dazzling smile, placing one hand on the small of my back and grabbing our takeout in the other. He guided me to the side of the bar to wait for our orders to be ready. 

‘This is a tip for you: don’t pay for the things you can get for free,’ he winked at me just before the barista called his name, handing him two steaming to-go cups with the flirtiest grin I had ever seen. 

I didn’t fail to notice the small paper she slipped through his fingers. 

‘Is that how you got your fortune?’ I raised my eyebrows at him while I led him outside, opening the door for him. I couldn’t tell if I was asking about the flirting or the paying. 

I also saw Billy discreetly discard the paper as he stepped out of the café.

‘Smiling also works,’ he answered, nodding once more to his driver, who had been waiting for us by the entrance of the shop. 

The man in black opened the door for us with a graceful movement, closing it after Billy stepped in, and walked to the front and the driver’s seat. 

‘Take us to my apartment, Jonathan,’ Billy called from the seat next to mine, sitting comfortably on the back and not even bothering to buckle up. 

I shook my head at him, seeing how he grabbed his phone and leaned back on his seat with legs far too long, yet managing to cross one over the other, occupying even more space. Meanwhile, I didn’t move from my place, not even daring to look up front, trying to give Jonathan some privacy, making sure not to spill my breakfast over the expensive leather.

I couldn’t help but look out the tainted window, the skyscrapers zooming by as Billy’s chauffeur took us to our next destination. Despite being only 7 am, the people seemed to have been awake forever. I took careful sips of my coffee, the semi-sweet scent having nothing to do with the low-quality one I served at my job. The morning was cold and cloudy, with fog covering the tallest buildings. Days like those made the city look like a snowball, a world within itself. Those were the days I looked forward to the most. 

As expected, Billy’s ‘apartment’ turned out to be the entire penthouse on one of the most luxurious apartment complexes in town. Even the doorman came out to greet him, pressing the elevator for him as he complimented his newest economic investments. His words were practiced and rehearsed; did Billy know, and he probably did, but he didn’t dwell on it. He merely nodded and thanked him politely, smiled when he had to, and asked the right questions. 

The doorman kept talking even as the elevator doors closed, leaving him behind. Billy sighed deeply, but kept his eyes forwards, staring at his own reflection on the glass panel. I did the same, suddenly feeling nervous. 

I had put my whole life in his hands. I had been the prey since the day I was born, but I could now be standing next to the hunter. And he was luring me straight to his house.

The elevator opened to the foyer of his residence, the while pearls dangling from a chandelier casting thousands of delicate lights over our faces.

‘Welcome to Chez Russo,’ Billy extended his arm for me to walk first. 

I stepped out of the elevator without saying anything. I couldn’t. I was too busy staring down at my reflection on the polished marble floors. Just the receiving area was already fancier than anything I had ever seen before. My neck even cramped from looking upwards, staring at the skillful details of the chandelier. Underneath the fixture was a polished wooden table with a vase of radiant fresh flowers. I walked around it, noticing the golden-framed mirror on the side, adding more depth to the circular room. With self-pity, I noticed that the foyer was already bigger than my living room, and the high ceiling with the skylight on top was just another reminder of our many differences. 

I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror, noticing the wonder in my eyes and the many fuzzballs on my old scarf, compared to the slicked-back polished look Billy had when he walked over the other side, despite his clothes being a day old. 

He now walked a few steps in front of me, and I forced myself to tread through the white columns into an even more impressive living area. But I could barely focus on all the modern furniture around me, for my attention was immediately drawn to the floor-to-ceiling window that extended all over the outer wall. 

‘Alright, feel free to look around, I’m gonna hop in the shower and get ready,’ Billy interrupted my thoughts. ‘We still have an hour for your class and I won’t be long. There’s drinks and food in the kitchen if you’d like anything. Remote’s on the coffee table over there, grab any book you want, and get comfortable,’ he added before disappearing through a hidden hall. 

He didn’t give me any time to respond. The echo of his steps moving away against the silent walls gave me chills as I looked around at the large space I found myself in. The high walls seemed to go on forever, and the slick design of the penthouse only accentuated the luxurious style that complimented Billy’s personality. 

But it was the view that caught my breath. I knew the window showed Central Park, yet the fog made it almost impossible to see anything below. It made the apartment suspended over the clouds, and the height allowed actual sunrays to flood the room. I stood there, not daring to move. I thoroughly disliked heights and just standing that close made my head spin. It almost looked like there wasn’t a glass between me and the clouds. 

I knew I stood out in the middle of such extravagance. I didn’t belong there. 

I don’t know how long I remained there, but Billy was already gently tapping my shoulder to catch my attention.

‘Dana, you alright?’ I turned around to find his dark eyes on me, slightly furrowed at the creases. ‘I called you several times, is something wrong?’

I shook my head. ‘Yeah, yeah. I just… was admiring the view,’ I answered, gesturing behind me. 

‘To be honest, that’s why I bought the place,’ he stood next to me, also looking at the view. ‘It’s the best thing about it.’

I whistled, for a split second thinking how much the penthouse would’ve cost him. ‘I can’t imagine what it’d be like to wake up every day to this,’ I said.

Billy nodded. ‘You get used to it.’

‘I don’t think I ever could. I’d stay here every day for hours.’

‘Sometimes, I wish I had more time to observe, too,’ Billy’s tone was wistful, but he quickly regained his composure. ‘C’mon, you’ll be late for class,’ he said. 

Only when he started walking I noticed his appearance. His hair was back in place, smelling of fresh shampoo and new cologne. I knew his suit was different, as was his tie, and shows, but I saw no difference. 

‘Are you wearing the same clothes?’ I asked as I followed after him, stopping at the elevator back at his entrance. 

He scoffed. ‘This is clearly a different suit,’ he took his black sunglasses in his hands, staring at me in disbelief. 

We both knew our conversation wasn’t serious, but for some reason, I didn’t want it to stop. 

‘Then, are all your suits black?’

‘No? I have more colors in my closet, Dana.’

‘Yet you’re wearing black again,’ I noted. I smiled at him as we stepped into the elevator, pressing my back against the wall as I looked at him, dropping his shoulders in annoyance.

‘They’re not. This one’s ebony; yesterday’s onyx.’

His tone was casual, experienced. If it wasn’t for his eyes, I would’ve thought he was mocking me. But then, maybe he was.

‘Right,’ I rolled my eyes, the corner of my lips lifting ever so lightly. 

The elevator opened to the lobby, but Billy quickly guided me to the other side, where another elevator stood forgotten on the opposite end of the building.

‘I thought we were going to my class,’ I asked, confused.

The doorman looked at us curiously, pretending to read a magazine behind his large desk. 

‘We are,’ Billy answered after pressing the button.

I shook my head. ‘I love it when you’re so talkative,’ I pressed him, sighing deeply when I didn’t get an answer.

‘I’m driving you,’ Billy said at last.

‘What about Jonathan?’

‘What about him?’

‘He’s your driver, Billy.’

‘I know how to drive, Dana.’

The conversation was cut short as soon as the elevator came and took us down to the garage, where many expensive cars stood waiting to be used.

My mouth dropped as we walked amongst them, their shiny and polished hoods almost mocking me. Ferrari, Lamborghini, Alpine, McLaren… all big names that had me drooling as I stared at my guilty pleasure. Whatever ounce of self-respect and class consciousness was lost immediately, my own ideals being thrown out the window as I pictured myself driving one of them, despite what my life and career were aiming to.

Billy whisked his key set from his pocket, pressing down on it quickly. At the end of the large garage, a black Rolls Royce unlocked before us. I stopped dead in my tracks as I stared at the model, too flabbergasted to notice Billy opening the passenger’s door for me.

‘You coming? We have fifteen minutes,’ he had a little twinkle in his eye as he looked at me. 

He was enjoying this. 

‘Yeah, yeah, I’m coming,’ I shook myself out of my daze, walking to him. 

I moved carefully as I stepped inside, the soft leather feeling rich under my old jeans. 

Billy closed the door for me, walking around the car to sit in the driver’s seat. He got inside with practiced ease, and less than a minute later, we were speeding down the busy streets of Manhattan, the smooth wheels making us float over the road. 

The caramel skin of the cabin contrasted with the cracked screen of my old phone, but thankfully, I didn’t have time to feel bad about myself, for the big classic Roman façade of Columbia University came into view rather quickly. 

As soon as the car came to a halt in one of the many parking spots for the students, I unbuckled my belt and opened the door, not even waiting for Billy to say anything else.

‘C’mon,’ I called him, trying to make him keep up. ‘I can’t be late.’

‘You didn’t seem to care earlier at the garage,’ he walked beside me with a few long strides, adjusting his sunglasses over his nose.

‘I mean, who wouldn’t prefer a Rolls Royce over a college lecture,’ I rolled my eyes as I walked up the stairs to the grand building that stood tall and proud before us. 

Many of the walking students stopped to stare at us. Or rather, at Billy. He walked with such poised grace that it was almost impossible to believe he used to be a soldier. The thought alone sent shivers down my spine, but then again, my biological father probably had a high body count too. 

Some students whispered under their breath, pointing at the man by my side, with eyebrows raised in recognition. Heat rose to my cheeks, the sudden attention making me uncomfortable.

Once we reached the door to the main hall, I turned to face Billy with a serious face. 

‘Alright, this is already embarrassing so please, don’t make it worse. Don’t talk, don’t stare, don’t even breathe if you can help it. Copy?’ I asked him.

His eyes widened in surprise at my sudden outburst. He raised his hands in defense.

‘Copy.’

With a sigh and one last look, I opened the door. 

···

‘Dana!’ a familiar voice called after me. ‘Where the hell have you been, loca?’

I audibly laughed at Owen, who then proceeded to throw his arms around me and spin me around, Jacob Black style.

‘How original,’ I joked, smiling widely at the only friend I had at college.

‘You know you love it,’ he winked, his eyes darkening as they fell on Billy.

His posture seemed to straighten when he gave him a look over.

‘Oh, uh, Owen, this is Billy,’ I introduced them, though both men simply nodded at each other. 

They held each other’s gaze almost challengingly. 

‘It’s a pleasure, Owen,’ Billy nodded as he looked down at the slightly shorter man.

‘Likewise,’ Owen answered, and focused his blue eyes back on me. ‘Where were you yesterday? I thought you said you’d be at the library all evening,’ he furrowed his eyebrows. 

I widened my eyes. ‘Yeah, uh… something came up,’ I said, feeling Billy’s eyes carving a hole in the back of my head.

‘What about today?’

‘I can’t, I got a late shift at the café,’ I answered.

‘Right… then I can run down for a while,’ Owen offered. 

I nodded. ‘Yeah, totally! I’ll let Harper know you’re coming by!’

‘Dana,’ Billy interrupted. His tone was dryer and lower than it had been all day. A silent warning.

‘Right, uh, we gotta go now, we’ll catch up later?’ I asked Owen.

‘Sure, see ya!’

I couldn’t properly say goodbye, for Billy was already grabbing me by my arm and walking me to the main entrance of the building.

He let go of my arm as soon as we stepped outside, yet he walked a couple of feet in front of me as he led me back to his car. Only once we were back inside, out of prying eyes and ears, he spoke. 

‘Who’s that?’ 

I frowned. ‘Owen.’

‘I can see that. Where do you know him from?’

I shrugged. ‘We have a few classes together.’

‘Since when?’ 

‘He transferred mid-term from Yale. Had a change of heart, apparently.’

‘What’s that about coming by later?’

‘We’re doing some research together for a class. We were gonna meet up yesterday, but yeah… You know what happened.’

‘I don’t trust him.’

His tone matched his earlier warning. His eyes were focused on the road, but maintained a firm grip on the steering wheel. It almost felt like I wasn’t there.

‘Well, that sucks for you,’ I pulled my phone out, desperate to do something with my hands. ‘I’m not failing a class just because you don’t like someone. I mean I wouldn’t have graduated otherwise.’

‘He’s not on my file.’

I froze on the spot. ‘Billy,’ I warned him, but I was too stunned.

‘Dana.’

‘Don’t.’

‘Don’t what?’

‘Don’t tell me you have a file for every single passerby that looks my way.’

‘That’s precisely what I’m here for.’

The drive seemed longer now.

‘That’s gotta be exhausting,’ I didn’t know what else to answer.

‘Well, at least I’m getting paid.’

I saw his eyes widen in shock at his statement, shaking his head immediately at me as he apologized. But the harm was already done.

‘Don’t mention it. It’s true.’ 

I looked outside my window. Anything to not look at him. 

‘I didn’t mean…’ but I cut him.

‘It’s fine.’

‘It’s not.’

‘Just drop it, Billy…’ my voice was shaky. But I refused to let any tears fall. ‘Please, just take me home.’

Next chapter

[wtf-amiru]

General Information

Name: A'miru Fhey

Name Meaning: I literally just hit the random generate button until I found a name and surname I liked. I removed an h from her first name to make it flow better.

Other Names: Miru (G'raha, Thancred, Urianger, Y'shtola only), kitten (only by husbands or boyfs), gremlin, idiot

Gender: Female

Birth Name: She's entirely not sure if her name was even given to her by her birth parents, she's never known them.

Birth Date: 17th sun of the 6th umbral moon (december 17th)

Birth Place: Yanxia - no memory, was in Ul'dah as long as she can remember

Dominant Hand: right

Astrological Sign: Sagittarius

Appearance

Height: 4'10

Weight: i genuinely don't know how to estimate this bc she's so short, if she was my height (5'7) she'd be about 120-130 lbs but she's almost a foot shorter than that? Maybe like 115-125?

Ethnicity: Seeker of the Sun Miqo'te

Birthmarks: nope, just some freckles that come out when she tans and her miqo face marks

Hair Color: Dark blue

Hair Length: Mid-back

Hair Type: thick, fine, super soft, big natural waves

Hair Style: ponytail for function, down and wild for casual

Eye Color: pink, very slight cool undertones

Eyebrows: a little bit on the wild side tbh

Teeth(Ex. Cavities/dentures): I know seeker miqo aren't supposed to have fangs but gosh dang they're cute so fuck it she's got fangs like keeper miqo (fight me) and they're well looked after, however she's missing a back tooth (maxillary second bicuspid) from an accident when she was younger and probably chipped an incisor in that final Zenos fight.

Face Shape(ex. Round/flat/etc): somewhere between heart and round (face 3 for fem seeker miqo)

Complexion (Ex. Acne, blemishes.): Clear, 2 facial scars across nose and on cheek from pre ARR

Shirt Size: probably extra small tbh, she's tiny

Pants Size: 5-7, she small but she got a butt

Shoe Size: idek how small, does 5 sound right? Maybe 6?

Health and Image

Diet: boy this girl can eat. Metabolism for days. Something about all the shit WoL has to go through just makes me think that they probably have to intake more to keep up. Health wise she doesn't really have that much of a sweet tooth anymore but she does like her junk food.

Exercise: lots of squats and calf raises (normal, seated, single leg and toes in), box jumps essentially anything that targets her quads and calves, knees and ankles (all that poofing around as a ninja, yknow) and a ton of stretching and toning like yoga and pilates.

Fitness: has always been pretty fit out of necessity, doesn't take to routine well however so exercise outside of work is not a scheduled thing except for when Emet-Selch took G'raha at the end of SHB then it was dragging Thancred to 6am workouts BC she so so angy

Posture (lazy/proper): usually pretty terrible honestly

Abnormalities: well y'know, there's that whole Azem thing. Normal abnormalities (lol) just what would be referred to as "loose joints"? like her shoulder's dislocate by accident and she can just shrug them back in and she easily hyper extends her knees if she's not paying attention.

Vulnerabilities: alcohol, addiction, mild ptsd (have you seen the shit WoL has to go through?) affecting mostly her sleep (insomnia, nightmares/terrors)

Handicaps: her boyfriend lmao

Medications: ??? Magic ✨

Allergies: nope

Diseases: Chaos gremlin syndrome

Illnesses: G'raha sickness

Disorders: full adhd

Imperfections: look at all those scars

Broken Bones: probably all of them at least once at this point

Reason for Health (ex. Cigarette smoking/accidents): being the WoL?

Wardrobe: she used to dress moderately professional but then G'raha called her to the first and she recognized him right away and got frustrated about halfway through. Started wearing the shortest skirt she could find just to torture him and it stuck. Her standard outfit is skirt, light top (tank, t-shirt etc, nothing bulky) and some sort of shitkicker boot for most classes (her look is very Tifa adjacent tbh) for dark knight she wears the same armor Fray does, reaper she wears armor more on the lightweight/slender side. I can't remember off hand exactly what I put her in, I just did her reaper glam too dangit.

Accessories: she has an earring of tiny Elpis blooms from Hades and a blue crystal necklace from G'raha that she never takes off

Equipment: I guess I kinda put this up in wardrobe

Musical Instruments: she's a lvl 80 bard but does not play music lol

Piercings: just her ears

Hygiene: good when she's at wherever home is at the time, on the road is another story. On the road you bath when you can lol but otherwise yeah, she actually really loves baths and hotsprings and swimming, bodies of water in general

Makeup: black eyeshadow and lipstick

Perfume / Cologne: Soap?

Scent: ...Soap?

Scars: like freckles peppered everywhere. Big one across her right ribs on the side, on her left shoulder blade and on the front of her right calf

Tattoos: nope

Voice

Accent / Dialect: It changes a lot tbh

Voice: soft midtone

Volume: quiet

Laughter: Fairly quiet, melodic

Impediments: None

Psychology

Vocabulary: she can talk the talk if she has to but usually doesn't.

Memory: Great, sometimes to her dismay, her memory is very good

Temperament: quiet chaos gremlin, but again, can play the part if she has to

Emotional Stability: honestly pretty fucking bad up until recently. She has a support system now and the scions are like her family. Urianger has developed a Spidey sense for when he needs to bring blankets and tea and books to read but the occasions are getting fewer and fewer.

Mental Health: This girl's a wreck but she's fairly self aware and isn't averse to asking for help anymore.

Instincts: great but also impulse makes her big dumb sometimes

Philosophy

Religion: she's kicked their asses a bunch so...

Superstitions: No lol

Morality: isn't evil I guess

Etiquette: she's not rude or messy, again she'll put on the show if she has to but is def the bowl of popcorn on her tummy and slouched so far down on the couch she doesn't need to use her hands to eat kinda girl when she's at home lol

Alignment: chaotic good

Character

Priorities: her found family and obvs WoL stuff

Motivation: her found family, her boyf, and her soul's ancient husbands

Self Confidence: Yup. It's there.

Self Control: TERRIBLE

Self Esteem: It's gotten a lot better

Quirks:

Hobbies:

Closet Hobbies:

Guilty Pleasures:

Habits: bad for clenching her jaw, picks at her hands/nails

Desires:

Wishes:

Traumas: have you played msq? It's littered with trauma. Off the top of my head G'raha in the crystal tower, the scions poofing after that banquet at the end of ARR, seeing Estinien almost die in heavensward, hourchefaunt, watching zenos kill himself in stormblood, literally yotsuyu's entire storyline, the sewerside in Garlemald, having her body stolen by zenos, returning from Elpis, all of Ultima Thule, I'm probably forgetting some, (I know I am bc there's nothing from shadowbringers in here but I'm tired) but these have all fucked her up deeply.

Worries:

Nervous Tics(ex. Finger tapping, fidgeting): tremors, zoning out/dissociating, jaw clenching, lip chewing, violence

Soft Spots: literally any of the scions, G'raha and Hythlodaeus' voices, Sidurgu and his struggle to emote literally any feeling other than anger (that one job quest where he's like "I like you. I respect you. And I'll always be here for you, if you need me." literally made her cry), Hades smiling, any time G'raha is flustered, so many more

Accomplishments: Look at them all

Greatest Achievement: I guess probably saving the world

Failures:

Biggest Failure: her view of the events of heavensward are a bit skewed

Favorite Dream: the ones that aren't nightmares

Worst Nightmare: waking up to G'raha being gone, not left but gone. Like she'd dreamt the whole thing. Zenos coming back and taking her body again and people not catching it in time

Earliest Memory: not sure, it'd be after she was in Ul'dah, more thought required

Fondest Memory: idk if it's THE fondest but that first time Thancred caught her stealing when she was young is an important one (big headcanon)

Worst Memory: there's actually so many

Funniest Moment: i don't think it's THE funniest one, I'm not sure I could pick a funniest one, but the one that came to mind first was walking into that meeting with everyone in the exarch's crystal tower in that tiny skirt for the first time (funniest for me, because I hold the headcanons that made it funny as g'raha bluescreened and thancred fell into absolute confusion because she has complained long and hard about how short skirts are just not practical in combat when she was still a street rat in Ul'dah, and emet just shook his head like 'yeah ok azem's making some sort of point, i just don't know what it is yet' and urianger and y'shtola just nodded sagely in the corner. That's what makes it funny)

Happiest Moment: oof, both times she's gotten G'raha back and also getting to hang out with Azem's husbands for a couple days.

Saddest Moment: the one that affected her in the worst way was G'raha locking himself in the tower. Returning home from Elpis also really fucked her up and gave her a lot of sads; made her have to call in the support squad (Y'shtola, Urianger, Estinien, Thancred. Ofc g'raha but he's always on duty lol)

Most Prized Possession: The only 2 pieces of jewelry she wears (mentioned above)

 Most Valuable Possession: what even is money in this game

Collections: fucking boots. How many kinds of shitkickers do you need? All of them apparently. (no one look at my glamour dresser and how many boots I have for her lol)

Embarrassments: I don't know but Lianhua's probably got more than a few embarrassing stories of her, lets be honest.

Mannerisms:

Humor: sarcastic/satirical

Regrets: yes

Secrets:

Darkest Secret:

Pet Peeves:

Phobias:

(1 lowest-10 highest)

Confidence: 7

Creativity: 5

Generosity: 8

Honesty: 10

Loyalty: 10

Insecurities: 6

Patience: 4

Predictability: -10?

Reliability: 9

Respect: 8

Responsibility: 7

Trustworthiness: 10

Home, Work, and Education

House: i suppose she and g'raha are living together now? according to my writing?

Hometown: Ul'dah

Citizenship: ^^, Eorzean

Culture: street rat culture bb

Traditions:

Sleep Patterns: Probably the worst

Eating Habits: tends to skip breakfast, have a decent lunch and a massive dinner

Pets: the shaggy shoat! (I really should give that thing a name by now)

Employer: uh... Krile? Tataru? Somewhere there's probably a lala telling her what to do

Job Title: Worrior of Light?

Social

Mother:

Father:

Guardians: legit Thancred for a bit at first, no one of note before that

Siblings:

Children: None

Close Relatives: not that she's aware of

Distant Relatives: unknown

Best Friend: Estinien has been her bestest besty since the end of Heavensward.

Close Friends: the twins and a lot of other people, Lyse and Aymeric off the top of my head

Confidantes: Y'shtola, Urianger, Thancred

Friends: yes

Allies:

Acquaintances:

Followers:

Subordinates:

Rivals:

Enemies:

Inspirations:

Role Models:

Mentors:

Heroes:

Reputation: Probably had a rep for being a trouble maker but, yknow, that whole WoL thing kinda comes with it's own reputation

Dominance: occasionally

Sociability: Prefers to let people come to her in social settings

Isolation: actually struggles being alone these days, she doesn't like it

Romance

First Love: G'raha

Love Interests: G'raha, was casually hooking up with Estinien post Heavensward for a bit

Marital Status: dating a really old catboy (it's G'raha)

Also somehow married to two ancient ghosts

Orientation: disastrously bisexual (there's a reason she bully's Y'shtola on purpose. I'll let you connect those dots)

Significant Other: G'raha

Love Style: unorganized chaos

Flirtiness: I don't know how to describe it, somewhere between actually being very good at flirting and punching Thancred in the face (she's not with thancred anymore but i'm leaving this because there's no other way to describe it that's this accurate)

Turnons: wit, emotional vulnerability, soft boys, strong women, intelligence, uh...strength 🙄....(can you pick her up and slam her against a wall?), dominant personalities (I'm lookin' at you Emet/Hades, this is your fault), collar bones, hands, eyes

Turnoffs: i hate listing turnoffs bc they feel so obvious like large egos and a tendency for disrespect; things that normally turn people off.

Fetishes: we're not going to go in depth here and just leave it at "restraints welcome"

Virginity: lost it drunk in Ishgard, doesn't remember to whom

[cottoncandyjester]

Have some juicy angst

Warning This contains: family drama, angst to fluff, implication of grooming, underage drinking

Ages for this story:

Tiago=21

Dante= 18

Zeke=15

Mateo=13

It’s been three days since Tiago came home from prison, to say that it was awkward was an understatement. “I don’t get it, hermano can you help?” Mateo called out making Dante pause chopping vegetables now peeking behind mateo to gaze at the workbook.

“It’s four.” Dante said softly now wiping his hands on his shirt, picking up Mateo’s pencil and showing him how it’s done “see? It’s easier to do it like that.” Dante cheered out proudly. Tiago, who had been watching the two gave a hum

“Wrong, the answer is ten.” Tiago mumbled out making Dante tense up glaring at his older brother “no. It’s four.” Dante sneers out, eye twitching with annoyance. “No, it’s ten. You forgot to carry the one” Tiago said as he got up and leaned close to mateo gazing down at the work “ten.”

“how the fuck would you know?!”

“It’s basic math, it’s pretty easy”

Dante slammed his hands on the table “oh so now I’m a dumbass!? I know what I’m talking about!” Dante hissed out with a low growl, Tiago merely glanced away awkwardly “it’s fine to get it wrong but its-” Dante cut him off “I’m not wrong! I’m right!” He snapped out.

“Hey guys, the answer is ten.” Zeke said softly as he held his phone up showing the two the calculator app, Dante huffed now storming off “I’m going out!” He snapped “Eh? What about food?” Mateo whined out making Dante pause before he scoffs “I’m picking up pizza!” He said before walking out slamming the door as he did.

“He’s pissed..”

“That’s a dollar in the swear jar! Only grown ups can curse” mateo chimed out making zeke sigh as he pulled out his wallet “what a stickler for the rules” he whined as he put a dollar in the jar that sat on the kitchen counter.

Dante didn’t come home until late, Tiago had already helped both boys with their homework and even finished cooking. When Dante came home, he sighs as he took off his shoes eyes suddenly wide “shit, i forgot the pizza” he groaned out, worry bubbling in him..how long ahead it been since zeke and mateo ate?! He couldn’t remember!

Dante let out a shaky breath going to find his brothers only to find them eating at the dinner table with Tiago, the sight making Dante sick for some reason. “Y-you are eating..” Dante mumbled out.

“Yeah! Tiago cooked for us! He’s really good at it!”

“And your homework?” Dante asked out making zeke chuckle “I helped mateo and Tiago helped me, wasn’t that hard” he said softly. Dante let out a shaky laugh now running his fingers through his hair, why did he feel so angry?

“Mateo, your forgot to take you adhd meds yeah? Go grab the-”

“No I already took them earlier!” Mateo cheered out with a bright grin, the sight making Dante feel downright violent. Dante let out a sigh, so many mixed feeings making him wanna scream.

“Cool. Cool. I’m gonna go lay down, I’ll be in my room if ya need me” he said softly before walking upstairs, hands shaking as he walked.

A low thump jolted Tiago awake, now sitting up from the bed and going to check the noise. It was three in the morning..who could be up? As Tiago slowly crept down he saw a light coming from the living room. He walked towards the light, eyes wide at the sight of Dante chugging down a can of beer, various empty beers surrounded him as he sat on the couch beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

“You shouldn’t drink, you’re underage” Tiago said firmly as he watched his younger brother take a long drag from the cigarette before puffing out smoke. “You aren’t my dad, shut up” he hissed out with a scoff.

“Dante, give me the beer. You are going to bed” Tiago scolded out, that was the last straw. Dante dropped the cigarette into the beer before getting up stumbling towards Tiago “y-you can’t just do this!” He snapped out making Tiago sigh “do what?” He asked softly, eyes gazing down at his drunk brother.

“You can’t just come back and pretend like you are this perfect brother! You left! You left me, zeke, and mateo! You left mom and dad!” Dante hissed out with a hiccup now stumbling slightly, but held his balance.

“You know I didn’t leave on purpose, I just couldn’t let her abuse me anymore.” Tiago said softly as he glanced away, his answer only getting a more hostile response from Dante

“God you sound fucking selfish! It’s all about you! Do you know what happened when you left? Mom started hitting mateo more than usual, every little thing he got hit for, then they both stopped coming home..said that their businesses were too important and that we were big enough to take care of ourselves” Dante spoke in a low tone as he looked down hands shaking.

“You make it sound like I wanted to leave!” Tiago snapped back, the volume startling Dante before he scowled only getting more hostile. “All you had to do was comply! All you had to teo was wait til you were 18 and we could have all went away, that was the plan, We stay together! But you only think of yourself!” Dante shouted, now glaring at the ground.

“I had to step up and take care of this entire family! I was only 13 for fucks sake yet I suddenly became the caretaker of all of you!” He snapped out with a growl. “I don’t recall you ever helping me out, you didn’t even bother to visit” Tiago stated coldly.

“You think mom and pop were putting money on your books every week?! You think mom and dad were making sure you got everything you needed in there!? You selfish fuck!” Dante snapped as he felt hot tears roll down his cheeks, tiago’s surprised expression only made Dante angrier.

“All those damn years you missed, every medal mateo won I was there cheering him on! Every pair of clothes those two needed that mom and dad couldn’t afford I worked for! Their school supplies, I bought! you didn’t do shit! Zeke and mateo needed you and you weren’t there!” Dante snapped out.

“They didn’t need me, they had you-”

“I needed you! I-I was scared! I was alone I didn’t know what to do” Dante hissed out, his anger subsiding and instead sadness overwhelmed him. “I didn’t have anyone to give me advice, or to tell him how to talk to girl, o-or teach me about life O-or teach me about how fucking dangerous and disgusting people could be! I-i cried over and over begging for you to come home! Begging you to save me! Begging for help as those bastards used me, I needed the money!-”

Dante was too much of a wreck to continue falling to his knees as he sobbed covering his mouth with his hands, muffling his sobs. Tiago kneeled down hugging Dante close, hands shaking “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry..I’m here now. I’m here Dante, I’m here for you” he said softly and for some reason that only made Dante sob harder as he cried into tiago’s shoulder.

“Should we join them?” Mateo whispers out to zeke as they both sat on the stairs “no, let them be” he said before softly pulling mateo back upstairs “come on, let’s go back to bed”

[capstoverogers]

Stolen Jeep - Part II: Sticky Fingers

Issa me, ur fave pervert back with more HowardBucky 'cause I can't stop (until my ADHD inevitably gets bored of this ship next week).

(Also, I wouldn't say this is graphic, but it's def NSFW.)

Part I

So Bucky swears it’s only gonna be once. One good blowjob from a millionaire genius, getting the knees of his overpriced slacks scuffed up on the dirty jeep floorboard, and that’s gotta be enough to last him through this godforsaken war.

Howard, of course, knew it was gonna happen again.

He gives himself a challenge ‘cause how do you think he got to be the Howard Stark? By pushing himself. And he’s gonna keep pushing himself on Barnes’ cock but first, he’s gonna goad the Sergeant into stealing as many things as possible. And they’re gonna fuck in every single one.

“‘Ey Barnes!”

Bucky’s all man spread over an empty rations crate by base camp, ripped army pants clinging to those thick thighs. He’s got a cigarette dangling out of his mouth and his head craned towards the stars, and Howard can’t keep the smirk off his lips as he eyes something so gorgeous that even he couldn’t invent a sight that goddamn good.

Bucky glances at Stark as he leans up against a tree. His arms are crossed over his chest, his tie loosened and the buttons of his vest undone and Bucky’s gotta adjust himself ‘cause shit, maybe once wasn’t enough.

He’s gonna play it cool, though, taking a long drag of his cig and flicking the ashes from the tip, letting Snark and that too smug look simmer before Bucky gives him any satisfaction.

“What?”

“Bet you won’t steal a tank.”

Their eyes meet. Stark’s glimmers with a challenge that he knows Barnes can’t back down from.

“Oh yeah?”

“Oh yeah.”

The tank’s a real tight fit, but so is Stark, so it all seems fitting. Bucky’s got Stark squeezed between the cold metal of the tank and his sweating chest when he hears the top door of the tank squeak open (barely, ‘cause Stark’s panting pretty loud and Barnes can’t help but smirk at every sound he’s pulling from him - told ya he liked ‘em real mouthy).

Bucky’s gonna ignore it until he hears Howard’s voice, hoarse as hell but still brimming with irreverent cheek.

“You here for the fun, Rogers? I think you’re small enough that we can squeeze you in somewhere.”

Bucky cranes his head back to see a real ruddy faced Steve, head peeking into the tank.

“Really, Stevie?”

“I saw the tank rattling,” he defends with those steely ‘It’s my personal responsibility to fix every bad thing in the world’ eyes and his unnaturally deep voice (like c’mon, Steve’s got the body of a 12 year old but his larynx is somehow overdeveloped?), like Howard and Bucky don’t have their pants hanging by their ankles. “I thought it was a threat.”

“Only threat’s your buddy’s cock, kid.” Howard quips out, followed by a grunt when a particularly forceful thrust almost sends his head colliding into the wall. “Damn, Barnes, calm it down back there. I’m gonna need my internal organs kept intact.”

“Shut up,” Barnes grunts into Howard’s ear before his eyes are back on Steve, who’s still there for some reason, what the fuck? “Get outta here, Rogers.”

Steve scurries off, and Bucky gets back to business.

“Awww, I was kinda into showing off for an audience.”

Bucky’s not really tryna unpack what this says about him, but he immediately comes. Hard.

Another week goes by. Bucky’s shoving beans down his throat as a couple of other soldiers clumsily move their hips to some German tune creaking from the radio when he feels a mustache tickling the side of his ear and fingers sinking into his shoulder. He smells the thick, pricey cologne that’s been lingering on his clothes lately (and maybe Bucky don’t exactly hate that) and knows it’s Stark before he hears his mischievous lilt.

“Bet you won’t steal that plane.”

Howard’s a sneaky son of a bitch, his hand somehow already sliding over Bucky’s thighs and fuck it, it might get him a dishonorable discharge, but he’s gonna steal the damn plane.

One of them’s got to pilot the damn thing, though, and that’s not really Bucky’s thing, but he ends up in the pilot seat anyway with Stark perched on his lap, one hand reaching back to handle the controls and the other on Little Buck as Howard has taken to calling Bucky’s dick (Barnes acts like he hates it, usually mumbling an “It ain’t little” in response, and Stark isn’t about to argue him there). Bucky ain’t sure if he’s more impressed by the hand job or Stark’s double tasking, even with the way the plane dangerously swerves every time Bucky moans low and loud into Howard’s ear. He’s sure they’re gonna end up crashing into some poor European town, but Barnes has made his peace. Dying with Stark’s hand grippin’ him ain’t a bad way to go out.

There’s another jerk (of the plane and of Bucky’s dick), this time accompanied by a crash and a yelp coming from the back. Both look back to see that the stacked boxes of cargo have toppled over, revealing a flustered Steve on his hands and knees, buck ass naked, with Peggy towering behind him, biceps bulging out of a black tank top and Bucky’s mouth is feeling real dry suddenly.

Then he notices what Peggy’s got happening below the waist. Attached to her pelvis, there's something that looks like it's made of the stuff as Steve’s Hydra-Stomper suit...except it’s a prosthetic dick.

It’s bigger than Barnes’ and ‘cause he’s a soldier in the 40s with all kinds of fragile views about masculinity, Bucky’s a little miffed about that.

“I see you’re enjoying the prototype I whipped up for ya, Captain Carter,” Stark says, and to his credit, he keeps jerking Bucky off and piloting the plane. Truly, the man is a genius.

“What can I say?” Carter gives back with a smirk. “I just wanted to live up to my name.”

(Get it? ‘Cause Peggy’s pegging Steve?!

…I’ll see myself out.)

Stark asks Peggy and Steve if they wanna grab some fondue with them after he lands the plane, and Bucky’s not sure if Howard’s prepositioning a double date or an orgy.

He finds he doesn’t really mind either way.

[likesomekindofcheese]

How do you think Roger would be with someone who had adhd? (I'm so sorry if you've gotten this before, I only just found your blog)

I've always presented more on the inattentive side, though I can be hyper, but it mostly makes me a really messy person to live with, like I just can't clean anything up, and when I try to it quite literally sends me into a breakdown. And I infodump to people all the time, and I'm just a wreck really in all areas. My adhd is a massive issue in my life and I just honestly wonder a lot how people I idolize and love would treat me because of it

Could I get HCs for Roger in a relationship with someone who has adhd? I'm gonna describe kinda what part of ADHD I present as. I'm like, more of the inattentive type. I daydream a lot and have a really hard time processing words people say, so stuff always flies over my head. But I'm also hyper sometimes, and I can get quite loud and obnoxious. I also overshare a lot (lmao this ask is an example of that I guess) and I hyperfixate on a lot of stuff. I also get really overwhelmed by like, strong emotions, and that translates into me flapping my arms and making really loud noises, which I hate about myself. Basically I'm just a mess, especially so right now, and I so desperately want comfort from Rog

Hi there Nonny! Thanks so much. I think oversharing actually helps so that way I have more detail and more to play off of and that way I will be able to probably have a more accurate portrayal of ADHD as well! Also thanks for your patience! This past weekend I was rehearsing an online play and it got busy and I was trying to conserve my energy and recharge myself when I could!

Also, it’s normal to hate yourself. You have worth and enoughness even when you don’t feel like it. I’ll say it again, your worth, okayness, and enoughness does not change with how you feel. I have to remind myself that sometimes too! If you ever need to send another anon or dm me, please feel free to! I am not a counselor, but I have a listening ear. Let me know once you read it and what you think!

 I wrote about ADHD Reader’s before. Here’s one with Joe! And here’s one with our badger loving spaceman, Bri!

If I get this wrong in any way, drag me gently via anon or dm. 

First off, Roger is a bit inattentive himself. He probably doesn’t have anything diagnosed, he is just a little antsy and easily bored so his mind wanders. He doesn’t have a problem keeping up with your energy. I can see you two enjoying a night stroll and then stopping at a playground to go down the slide and have fun on the swings, for example!

Both of you are more on the messy side. When you move in, your clothes are strewn across chairs and on the floor. When Deaky comes over to visit he has a heart attack at the sight of it. 

He saw you breakdown from trying to clean and hugged you, assuring you would find a way to make it more fun.

But sometimes you pitch in and play music while picking it up and wind up dancing and it’s really cute.

Eventually, he uses some Queen money to hire someone to help pick up after your stuff as a gift. That way, it looks a little nicer and you don’t have to worry about breaking down.

Sometimes he will be chatting away as you ride in his car, squeezing his free hand. Then he feels your grip loosen as you look at the green blurry trees passing outside. He will go “Y/N, what’s up!”

And you look and shrug with an embarrassed smirk. “Was just...just daydreaming. Isn’t it silly?”

You felt a little ashamed admitting that to your rockstar drummer boyfriend. But he shook his golden head and said “no! No, it’s not!”

Both of you get to be loud and obnoxious together since he’s the most extroverted member of the band. Dinners together are so much fun. Even after your dessert plate is cleared with leftover chocolate stains that Roger will scoop and lick off with his fork, you still have fun. You both laugh and talk a lot. He makes you smile so hard your face hurts from all of the smiling.

If there are any spats or conflicts, both of you calm down and take time to process it, then go back to the conflict and solve it.

He helps you remember all sorts of things like the car keys or phone numbers. So then you say “you’re a genius, Rog!” and he says you’re welcome by kissing your cheek or wrapping his hand around yours.

Rog is also really intelligent. He could listen to you infodump and ask questions and be involved. He also buys you gifts and experiences involving your hyper fixation. He loves to give you all sorts of gifts and it’s really sweet.

When emotion overwhelms you, he walks you through it. Talks with you. He gives you space to flap your arms. He never nags you and doesn’t verbally nag you. Nor does he do anything to shame you. He lets you communicate your emotions and he responds kindly. He used to parent you, but he stopped. He let’s you be. Even though Roger is the wild boy, he has a heart of gold beneath all of those cigarettes and cheeky smirks.

 He asks questions about your ADHD. He even reads a couple articles about it. 

You adore him with all of your heart. You know you can be yourself and be loved and safe with him. You love to hug him, be the first to listen to all of his songs, run him hot baths after a long day, and you never stop telling him how wonderful he is to you.

And the same goes for him. You’re his angel and shining star.

Taglist: @queenlover05 @seraphicmercury @ewannmcgregor

[phykios]

honesty and promise me, part 3 [read on ao3] [co-written with @darkmagyk]

Several more weeks and hookups later, Annabeth thinks she should probably come clean. Some people might bury it deep, and for sure, Annabeth’s considered it, but, well. It is kind of embarrassing that she didn’t know Percy’s name at first. Stuff like that doesn’t usually bother her--she’s had nameless one night stands in the past, and despite Thalia’s ribbing, she knows that Thalia doesn’t really care either. It’s just that, you know, he’s Thalia’s family, and they’ve seen each other a few more times, and they are planning to continue to see each other a few more times in the future. Or more than a few times. 

Anyway, she kind of feels like she owes it to him. Like he deserves this small nugget of truth, payment for all the times he’s fucked her blind. It’s nagging at her, and she hates feeling like she owes anyone anything. 

Piper certainly seemed to think so, when Annabeth had told her over their monthly brunch date.

“It’s just common courtesy at this point,” she said. “Like, what if you guys end up married and then sell your story to Hollywood, they cast my dad as the male lead, and it comes out in interviews that you didn’t know his name for like a month? He’s gonna get the wrong idea.”

Annabeth wasn’t sure which part was more ridiculous: the movie, Piper’s dad being involved, or them being married.

Anyway, sharing some of her avocado fries, Piper had reminded her that being mean wasn't very punk rock, shutting her up effectively.

She’s out on site in the Lower East Side, taking measurements for plots of land, writing down sun angles and measuring the wind velocity between the brick buildings, when she gets a text from him. 

I’m on a break and I’m starving 😩 Want to grab something to eat?

It’s 2pm on a Thursday and he wants to grab something to eat. If Annabeth didn’t know any better, she’d say that that sounds like a real, honest-to-goodness, bona fide date. (Meeting up at and subsequently leaving bars together does not count as a date, she’s pretty sure. Neither do the booty calls.) He’s been getting a little free with his texts, that boy, sending her selfies and memes and questions about her day, and now this? An invitation to their first, actual date? She should block him on principle, just for the sheer audacity.

sure, wya

520 8th, text me when you get here 😁

That’s another thing: Percy loves his emojis. If this is going to continue, they’re going to need to have a serious talk about that. 

She doesn’t need to text him when she gets there; he’s already outside, leaning on the stone edifice of the building like a particularly jacked rent boy in his tight t-shirt and broody look, cigarette between his fingers. The sweatpants sort of ruin the image, though. He looks particularly comfortable in a way that warms Annabeth right from the inside out. “You know, when Nico said you smoked, I honestly didn’t believe it.” she says, not even bothering to say hi. 

He looks up from his phone and smiles, the sun behind his teeth. “Hey!” 

“Hey, yourself.” She doesn’t even hesitate--she plucks the cigarette out of his hand, taking a drag off it herself. “You been smoking for a long time?”

“Who do you think taught Thalia how?” He raises an eyebrow, bemused. “Is that a problem?”

It is, but it’s not like she can tell him that without losing some of her credibility. “Wouldn’t smoking fuck with your cardio?”

Percy shrugs, conceding. “A little. I used to be a lot worse, but I just can’t quite kick the habit. It’s mostly a stress thing, anyway.” 

“Rough practice?” she asks, putting just enough effort into her lip wobble to make it abundantly clear that she’s making fun of him. “Were the other boys being mean to you because of your tights?”

He grins at her, saucy. “Annabeth Chase, do you really think that NYCB rehearses here? In the Garment District?” But he laughs before she can stammer out an answer (and thank God, she’s lived here three years and can barely keep the boroughs straight, let alone the neighborhoods). “I just wrapped up teaching a class. I don’t have to be at rehearsal until 5, I was thinking we could hang out? Bryant Park?”

A first date at the New York Public Library. She almost hates to admit it, but Percy Jackson might be kind of her dream man. “I believe I was promised food,” she sniffs, but she does hold out her hand, and when he takes it, lacing his fingers through hers, she’s sure that he can feel her heart beating, palm to palm. 

Twenty minutes later they’re settled on a bench in the corner of the green, Annabeth halfway into a ham sandwich and Percy juggling a salad and an iced coffee. He’s been regaling her with tales from the more exciting side of ballet, a side she hadn’t even imagined could actually exist. “So by the time I land in Paris,” he says, taking a sip of coffee, “the guy’s foot has swollen up to, like, twice its original size, and when I finally managed to find some wifi to check my phone, there’s, like, eight missed calls from my mom and my agent, and an email from her that just says ‘READ THIS,’ in all caps, and of course the article is in French, which I didn’t really speak at the time, and I was so stressed that my ADHD made it so I couldn’t even read the Google translation, and I had to ask someone to translate it for me.”

“Oh my god,” she says, struggling to keep it in.

“And that’s how I found out that I’d been moved up to first cast in Le Corsaire, from the poor barista at a coffee shop in Charles de Gaule!” He laughs. 

“That’s insane,” Annabeth says. “And the show was the next day?”

“It was that night! I had to haul ass to the opera house and get warmed up, because I was going on in about four hours. You should have seen the looks on everyone’s faces when I stumbled in, I’m sure that they all wanted to kill me.” Percy chuckles, taking a bite of leafy greens. “Now I wasn’t just the twenty-year-old upstart American, I was the twenty-year-old upstart American who skipped town when I wasn’t supposed to.”

“How did it go?”

“Killed it, of course,” he says, deservedly smug. 

Despite her best efforts, she’s absolutely entranced; he’s a great storyteller. “I bet you break that story out at parties all the time, don’t you.”

He laughs. “Whatever gets the donors to open their checkbooks, right?”

“I can’t believe you lived in Paris. I’ve always wanted to see it.” She’d had a few chances to when she was in college, the semester she’d studied abroad in Rome, but she just never got around to it. Just another item on her long, long list of regrets, placed somewhere between the sketchy burrito from last week and not telling her mom to fuck off earlier when she’d had the chance. “If I were you, I’d never leave.”

Percy shrugs. “It was amazing, I won’t lie. But towards the end I just really, really missed it here. All my family is in NYC, you know? My mom, step-dad, and my sister live here, and Thalia and Nico and Hazel, too. I tried to come back and visit whenever I could, but being away from them was really hard.” There’s something soft and inviting in his expression when he says, “I’m really happy to be back home.”

“What are they like?” Annabeth asks. “Your family. Your non-mob family, I mean.”

He rolls his eyes, but he grins another one of those blinding grins, too. “My mom is the most amazing person you will ever meet. Not only did she support my dance habit, she did it as a single working mother who had to raise an angry, ADHD asshole of a son who didn’t always appreciate her. I don’t even want to know how many hours she had to work or how many scholarships and grants she had to track down in order to pay for me to go to SAB, but somehow she made it work, and managed to write her novel at the same time. She married my step-dad the summer I turned sixteen, and my baby sister was born the next year.” 

Even Annabeth, cynical and black-hearted as she is, has to smile back. The love he has for his mom is so palpable, so tangible, she can practically see him glowing. “And the…” What had Thalia called them? “The ‘Cousin Consortium’?” 

At that, Percy laughs, full-bellied, unrestrained. “The name was Nico’s idea. I didn’t really have many close friends when I was a kid, apart from my buddy Grover--he had to wear this really gnarly leg brace and I liked to dance, so you can imagine how much we got picked on--but we were all really close growing up, since our dads were all assholes. They may have left us emotionally scarred, but at least we had each other’s backs the whole time.”

This is a very Percy thing, she’s starting to realize: he can not and will not hold back on his feelings. He simply refuses to. Where most guys might try to hide or downplay their affection for their friends, Percy’s is written all over his face. Maybe it’s a byproduct of doing ballet, but he’s so unashamed of his love for his friends and his family and his art, that maybe Annabeth kind of wishes she could be included in that love too, if it always feels this warm and joyful. 

“I think it’s amazing that you guys are so close. I only had the one cousin when I was growing up, and we didn’t really talk all that much,” Annabeth says, almost without her permission. Something about him, it’s just so easy to talk to him. He makes it safe to open up.

“The med school guy, right?” 

Annabeth nods. “Magnus. Fifth generation Harvard student. We’re all very proud.” 

Ugh. Even she has to wince at the false cheer in her voice. Percy gives her a half-smile, sympathetic and soft. “Harvard not really for you, then?” he asks, picking up the threads of a long and complicated story, and one that she absolutely does not want to get into right now. Or ever, if she can help it. 

“More like I wasn’t really for Harvard.” Which wasn’t entirely untrue. She had been good enough for the university in Cambridge, Mass--good enough for two degrees and graduation with honors--but she had never been good enough for her mother’s capital-H Harvard. Never good enough for her mother at all, really. 

Percy takes her hand. His fingers are cold from his iced coffee. “Hey. It’s their loss,” he says, with a sincerity and an intensity that makes her blush.

Every part of her wants to pull away. His thumb is rubbing against the joint of her finger, soothing and sweet, and she thinks she may break out in hives from it. “Damn right it is,” she mumbles. 

He is so nice. So nice and hot and sweet. Objectively, what she’s about to do is a terrible idea, and might torpedo a really good thing that they have, but if she doesn’t come clean now her own guilt is going to drive her insane.

“Okay, I have a confession to make.” Percy raises his eyebrows, slurping the last dregs of his drink. “When we met… and then when we hooked up the first time… I may have… thoughtyouwereJason.”

He blinks. “Pardon?” he asks, mumbled around the straw.

Annabeth buries her head in her hands. “Please don’t make me say it again.”

“You… thought I was Jason?”

“Well,” she sputters, glaring at him through her fingers, “you were being all bro-y with Thalia!”

He is valiantly trying to hold in a smile. “You know, I distinctly remember telling you my name that morning.”

“I was really hungover,” she whines, “and you were shirtless and making breakfast so I wasn’t really… paying attention.”

“For a whole week?”

This is so embarrassing, why couldn’t she just keep her stupid mouth shut? “Yeah.” She slumps her shoulders, stuffing her hands into her jacket pocket. “Sorry.”

She’s not entirely sure what she expected: at best a couple of weird looks and a tentative promise to meet up later that would end up not working out, at worst she thinks he’ll just get up and leave her here at Bryant Park. Either way, they’d be doomed to months of awkward interactions, until eventually they wouldn’t be able to be around each other, and Thalia would have to pick a side--and Annabeth’s seen what Thalia does to people who cross her family. She’s seen Thalia beat a dude to pulp for calling Nico the f-slur. Picking Percy over Annabeth? That’s nothing.

So when he starts laughing, Annabeth is completely at a loss. Slowly, at first, then all at once, he’s laughing so hard his shoulders are shaking, and he has to put down his salad so it doesn’t topple over onto the grass. His head is tilted back in joy, the grey, late afternoon light adamant that Annabeth can see all of his features clearly, from his screwed up eyes to his bright, white teeth to the single dimple in his cheek.

Of course, even his laughter is hot. Asshole. 

“You thought I was Jason!” He shrieks.

Annabeth crosses her arms, scowling. 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I really don’t mean to laugh,” he giggles. Annabeth can feel her own giggle rising in response, and she ruthlessly quashes it. “I can definitely say I’ve never heard that one before. You do know Jason is blond, right?”

“As a matter of fact, I did not. Besides, you and Thalia look exactly alike.”

He scoffs. “No we don’t.”

“Uh, yeah you do. You, Thalia, and Nico are all basically clones of each other.” 

“Okay, Captain Glasses, whatever you say.” He rolls his eyes, but there’s no heat behind it.

“I’m sorry,” Annabeth feels like she has to say again.

He cocks his head. “For what? For thinking I was Jason? He’s a pretty cool guy.”

“No, for,” she blushes again. All this blood rushing to her head can’t be good for her. “For sleeping with you when I still thought you were Jason.”

Percy scoots closer to her, throwing her a grin and slinging his arm over her shoulders. Without even realizing that she’s doing it, she settles in beside him like she’s been doing it her whole life, slotted up against his torso, tucking her booted feet beneath her legs. “I am choosing to take that as a compliment,” he says, smirking. “You couldn’t resist my charms, even when you thought I was a brogrammer.” 

Annabeth can’t help herself. She kisses him, wiping that smug grin right off his face, and when she finally retreats, after what feels like hours, he looks so dazed she could probably keep calling him by any name she wanted and he wouldn’t even realize it.

After their lunch, they meander for hours, headed in a vaguely southerly direction, holding hands the whole time, a steady, uninterrupted flow that took them all the way from Midtown to Greenwich Village. He tells her about his first day at ballet school; she tells him about her favorite monuments. “There are two architectural environments in America,” she says, ranting, speaking with enough force that she might forget the feeling of his hand in hers, “endless dead suburbia, or cities where every single building is either a concrete or a glass block--and not even Brutalist concrete, just shitty, poorly designed, paint-by-numbers concrete. It is an absolute travesty of modern government that they don’t fund any public works projects anymore.”

“That’s why all the gardens and stuff?” he asks.

“Nowadays everything is built by the lowest bidder. At least I get to add some beauty back into the city.”

“I know what you mean,” Percy says. “Paris is practically overflowing with public works, you almost forget about it sometimes.”

She sighs. “You’re so fucking lucky. Paris is so beautiful and everything in New York is just hideous.”

“Aw, come on,” he says. “Not everything. What about the Empire State Building, or Central Park?”

“Well, obviously, those,” she says, just a teensy bit flustered, but she’s not about to give up the argument without a fight. “I just mean like, normal, every day buildings: offices and apartments and stuff. It’s all so samey and boring.”

He looks to her right, pointing at the building they are passing. “What about this one?”

She turns.

If she had known they were headed this way, she never would have taken them past here.

“It’s… okay, I guess,” she mumbles, staring up at the arched windows, pedimented doors, and Rococo details of Miss Minerva’s Private Pre-College Prep School. A shudder goes down her spine, like someone walking over her grave. “There are better Beaux-Arts buildings.”

Sensing her discomfort, he picks up the pace, and changes the subject.

Finally, he stops outside a nondescript building, turning to face her. “This is me,” he says, a little bit mournfully, squeezing her hand. “Are you okay to get home safely?”

This man is ridiculous; it’s not even dark out. “I think I can manage a few blocks,” she says, lightly swatting him. “Isn’t it kind of early for you, though? It’s only four o’clock.”

He flushes faintly, one hand coming up to rub at his neck. “Uh, well, I always give myself a little extra time--you know, time blindness and everything.”

“You baked in extra time in case I wanted you to walk me home, didn’t you?” She mock-gasps, secretly delighted. “Scandal!”

“Guilty,” he grins. “You’ve been to mine so many times, I was curious.”

She just barely stops herself from laughing out loud at the very idea of Percy coming to her apartment--as if. Thalia hasn’t even been to her apartment. Nobody knows where she lives, none of her neighbors know who she is, and this is entirely by design. “Cut me some slack; a girl’s gotta have some mystery. Can’t make it too easy for you, can I?”

“I have a feeling you’ll never make things easy for me,” he says, white teeth gleaming.

“You better believe it,” she smiles back. “Now that I’ve foiled your plans, are you going to be too bored?”

“Oh, I’ll think of something,” he shrugs. “I’m very resourceful when it comes to boredom.”

Inspiration strikes, and she grasps his hand, pulling him down the alleyway. She almost hates to admit it, but she has something of a Pavlovian response when it comes to hanging out with Percy. Annabeth has come to expect some really excellent sex whenever the two of them meet up, and maybe spending all afternoon with him has made her a little bit horny. 

She presses him up against the brick wall, hidden from the street by the long afternoon shadows, and kisses him. His hands flounder for a second, before coming up to rest on her shoulders, this thumbs tapping against the base of her neck, fingers fluttering on her jacket. It’s an intimate touch, kind of chaste and very respectful, and he holds her with precision and grace. He wouldn’t do anything she wouldn’t want to. This is a date with no expectation of sex on his part. But Annabeth does not want grace right now, spooked by the ghost of her old school. She does not want precision. She just wants him. She just wants to keep him on his toes, keep him interested, blow his mind a little. 

She just wants to blow him, to be honest. 

He squeaks into her mouth as her hands fly to his belt, deft fingers practically ripping it off of him in an increasingly familiar motion. “H-hey,” he says, squeezing her shoulders, “this is--”

“Do you not want me to?” she asks, one hand playing at the top line of his underwear. 

“No--I mean, are you sure? I’m-I’m okay with this, I just want to--”

“I know.” She kisses his cheek, then drops to her knees. “But we’ve got some time to kill, don’t we.” 

Afterwards, when she’s finished with him, Annabeth wipes her mouth, and he whimpers. 

“Ho… holy shit,” he pants, flushed and trembling. 

She tucks him back into his boxers, doing up his fly. “There we go. That was better than being bored, right?”

He nods wordlessly, swallowing, shaking. His eyes are glassy and glazed, stupid like he’s just shot out his brain through his dick.

In the short time they’ve been together (though, honestly, this might be the longest relationship she’s ever been in before… and they haven’t even broached the “dating” conversation yet) Annabeth has been on the receiving end of several different Percy looks. His face will light up with joy when he first lays his eyes on her, so happy to see her (though she can’t really fathom why), glinting like the sun on the water. His eyes will narrow, glaring, even as he furiously tamps down on his growing smile when they start arguing over something stupid, like Annabeth’s affinity for olives. He’ll grin at her, knife sharp and slanted, licking his lips and looming over her after she comes down from yet another orgasm via his mouth or his hands.

Percy looks at her now like someone took a bat to his head, and instead of seeing stars, he sees little miniature Annabeths flying around. 

He pulls her to him and kisses her, entirely too sweet for what she’s just done to him, but that is also a very Percy thing. And when she leaves him with a final kiss on his cheek and squeeze of his ass, she can feel that look burning a hole through her jacket, following her down the alley and around the corner, and she finds that she doesn’t mind the weight of it at all.

[gershwinn]

Cole Sprouse on How ‘Riverdale’ Transformed Him From Disney Child Star to Leading Man

Most child actors don’t thrive in Hollywood past puberty. Cole Sprouse opted out on his own terms. The 2005 hit Disney Channel sitcom “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody” turned Cole and his twin brother, Dylan, into the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen of their generation. But after the series and its spinoff wrapped, Cole was ready for something new.

Sprouse tells this story between cigarette breaks while sitting on the “Riverdale” set in Vancouver. The show became an instant hit for The CW Network when it debuted in the winter of 2017. Sprouse’s role as the sardonic narrator Jughead has allowed him to reinvent himself as an actor in his 20s. This year, he starred in his first grown-up film, “Five Feet Apart,” as a man with cystic fibrosis who falls in love with a patient down the hall. The drama, distributed by CBS Films in March, became a sleeper hit, grossing almost $46 million at the domestic box office.

“It’s very difficult to make the jump from Disney child star to serious leading man in Hollywood,” says Justin Baldoni, the director of “Five Feet Apart.”

Sprouse spent the first 18 years of his life acting, guided by other people’s decisions. “My mother and father divorced at a young age,” he says. “I never knew them to be together. Our mother was really the main fuel for us to pursue acting. We booked a diaper commercial, and that got the ball rolling.” One of his earliest professional memories is from the ABC sitcom “Grace Under Fire,” where he shared the role of the family’s infant son with his brother. “Oh, we were exploiting child labor laws,” Sprouse says with a smirk Having two identical boys meant that they could collectively work a full day, by splitting the job in half..

That was an arrangement they used often — although sometimes they’d take roles on their own (such as when Cole portrayed Ross’ son on “Friends”). Their big break was getting cast together in the 1999 comedy “Big Daddy,” playing an abandoned kid adopted by a boorish bachelor in the form of Adam Sandler. Sprouse recalls how one night during the shoot, a fire alarm went off in the hotel the cast was staying at in New York. “Adam Sandler carried me on his shoulder down 45 flights of stairs, which was really cute,” he says. “We were taught every single bad word. So when my brother and I went back to school, we swore like sailors.”

Most of the time, they were homeschooled. “I don’t feel like I missed out on the United States public high school education,” Sprouse says. “My brother and I both have ADHD, and I needed one-on-one attention from a tutor.” Getting their own sitcom on Disney Channel made their careers explode. “It was the golden ticket,” Sprouse says. “At the time, being the leads of a sitcom as kids was the most stable job we could think about in the industry. In terms of technical acting, it’s only 30 minutes long. My brother and I were really thankful for it.”

They were able to avoid the scandals that consume other Disney stars because of their strong family network. “Cole and I had each other,” Dylan says. “We were blessed to have someone experiencing the same thing at the same time, as an objectivity to the reality of it all.” Dylan recalls one day, as a teenager, getting into a drag-out fistfight with his brother between takes — it was broken up when a fan asked them for a photo backstage. “It was such a weird and funny moment that we actually calmed down, laughing at each other.”

They spent six years at Disney, with three seasons on “The Suite Life of Zack & Cody” and another three on the spinoff, “The Suite Life on Deck.” Despite an offer to do a third series with Disney, Cole and Dylan knew they wanted to attend college, and both were accepted to NYU. Still, it took some adjustment. “The amount of rumors that were spread about Dylan and I were incredible,” says Cole, who heard stories about how he’d fallen down the stairs at the school library. “When you’re a public figure, people use you to build their identities. And I think that was a bit daunting. But also because I’d been homeschooled, I had no idea what it was like to interact with other people socially.”

(..) But Sprouse isn’t in a hurry to graduate from “Riverdale.” He says the show has given him a renewed appreciation for acting, one he couldn’t have when he was younger, because he was so focused on being his family’s breadwinner.

“I’m somewhat of a workaholic,” Sprouse says. “Maybe that’s my child-star brain, where I just can’t stop thinking about being a commodity.”

On the day of our set visit, the four “Riverdale” actors are shooting at a house on the outskirts of Vancouver that’s been converted into an ominous location. This episode, which will air in the fall, is a tribute to Luke Perry, who played Archie’s dad and died in March at the age of 52 from a stroke. Sprouse has talked about what Perry meant to him, and how his passing affected him deeply. Between takes, the actors are mostly quiet.

Sprouse says that these scenes — which involve Jughead helping Archie say goodbye to his father — have required some thought. “The important line we’ve all been trying to draw is how to separate, how we can portray real emotions, but in the eyes of the characters,” he says. “If I was making this an entire sob story about my relationship with Luke, it wouldn’t be a job well done. My job is to do it in the eyes of Jughead.” And he doesn’t think Perry would approve of tears. “Luke was the kind of guy who would not like people crying about him,” Sprouse says. “I hope this episode does him justice, but I think the way we lived with him does him justice as well.”

Dylan thinks that Cole could become “a great cinematographer or director.” When he’s not acting, Cole sidelines as a professional photographer, shooting spreads for magazines and fashion brands like Moncler, which sent him to Iceland for a campaign. “Most of the people that I speak to initially don’t know him from his acting,” says his photography agent, Glenn Wassall, who represents Annie Leibovitz. He describes Sprouse’s aesthetic as “fashion within landscape,” as in a portrait of a woman bundled in a glamorous coat against a backdrop of ice-covered mountains.

Cole could see himself working again with Dylan, who has also gone back to acting, with an indie film, “Tyger Tyger,” out next year. “We’ve talked about it,” Cole says, adding that it wouldn’t be a reboot or a reunion for Disney. “The whole kitschy twin thing, I don’t think that really sells anymore.” He explains what would convince them: “It’s about feeling passionate for acting again. If it’s a cool project, I don’t have a problem with that.”

Source: Variety

[sawyersick]

all the questions for that ask game!!! (or as many as you want lol)

holy fuck bee............................. ok get red E its a Lot

1. You woke up naked next to the last person you texted, what would you say?

Idk what I would say but I probably wouldn’t be that freaked out... the last person I texted is a good friend/coworker and I trust him

2. What’s going on between you and the last person you kissed?

I uhhh can’t remember who the last person I kissed was because it was years ago but let’s assume it was my ex..... he was a toxic pos who tore me down because he had low self esteem so yeah I don’t really like him

3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend was into drugs, would you care?

I would be upset if it was anything more than weed or the ocassional drink or if it was a full blown addiction and I would be mad if they didn’t tell me on principle...

 Also I would not be very comfortable if they did it around me because I’m a weenie despite hanging out in hardcore punk groups...... also I can’t stomach the smell of cigarettes im sorry

4. Is your last name longer than six letters?

nope! 

5. Was your last kiss drunk or sober?

sober, I don’t drink

6. Have you ever wanted to have someone but you messed it up?

like..... as a significant other? I guess. I’m pretty bad at telling my feelings to people and I’m kinda clingy when I like someone. idk if I’ve ever *explicitly* messed it up tho

7. What does your last received text say?

“sick” and then the sparkly heart emoji five times 

8. How many times have you kissed the last person you kissed?

lots and lots and lots.... unfortunately. we were together for a year and a half

9. Where was your last kiss at?

fuck bitch I don’t remember.............. school? my house? his house? the pool??? man the last five months of that relationship were affection-less

10. When is the last time you saw your sister?

I don’t have one!

11. What do you drink in the morning?

water and sometimes tea

12. Where did you sleep last night?

the car and then my bed when I got home

13. Do you think relationships are hard?

I mean everything takes effort... I don’t find it hard to do things for people in my relationships but I get frustrated when it isn’t reciprocated and I burn out

14. If you could go back and change something in the past 5 months, would you?

nah

15. You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?

yes....................... many..........................

16. Would you rather it be sunny or rainy?

I TRIED to be a good emo and like the rain but tbh I get really reasonally depressive so I prefer the sun 100%

17. Do you know anyone with the same middle name as you?

nope!

18. Are you wearing jeans,sweatpants,or pajama pants?

jeans!

19. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 years from now?

hopefully!! I met this real cute punk boy last night

20. Does anyone like you?

HA I doubt it......... I usually come off as the little sister type to most people

21. Have you ever kissed someone with a name that starts with an S?

nope! 

22. Is the last person you kissed gay?

probably

I suspected that he had internalized homophobia but also he was weirdly transphobic to me so I dropped it and pretended to be a cis girl around him which is weird because I think he liked boys??????????????????

23. Is there a person you CANNOT stand?

YES this girl from high school who talked about tentacle porn to school admins for no reason and did lots of other weird shit 

24. Have you ever considered getting a tattoo?

yes! I have a whale on my hip and I want to get tiny scissors on my arm soon

25. In the past week have you cried?

yes I watched queer eye and a disney movie lol

26. What breed was the last dog you saw?

I follow like 12 samoyeds on instagram but the last dog I saw irl was this ADORABLE black lab who was a service dog and he rested his head on his human’s lap when she sat down in the library and I wanted to cry

27. Do you dry off in the shower or out of the shower?

I have a towel hanging right out side the shower so I grab it, then step out of the shower

28. Have you ever kissed a football player?

hm idk I think so? I definitely kissed a guy who played tennis but he forced it on me so I don’t count it

29. Do you think you’re old?

yes because I hate tiktok

30. Do you like text messaging?

I don’t mind it!! The service at my house sucks tho so I prefer cloud based texting like instagram or facebook messenger

31. What type of day are you having?

A good but slow one! I had a really good night last night so I’m just resting now

32. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?

I’d honestly rather get snake bites if I were to get a piercing but in general I’m afraid of facial piercings

33. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?

warm! then I can head down to the lake :)

34. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?

yes! he’s one of my best friends and I talk to him every day and he lives in scotland and I’d like to meet him one day

35. Would you prefer a relationship or a fling?

relationship! Flings personally make me feel icky and I’m over that

36. Are you a simple or complicated person?

I’d like to think I’m complicated but I’m a simple man..................... you show me whale, I like

37. What song are you listening to?

any song by Liily, all day every day

38. When you say you’re sorry do you mean it?

yes! I perpetually feel bad about everything!!!!!!39. Is there a girl that knows everything or almost everything about you?

there was! but not anymore because she ghosted me for no reason40. What made you start liking the person you like now?

This person is so cute and kind and creative and nice and sweet and fashionable!!!! and fun to mosh with!!!!!41. When did you last receive a text message?

half an hour ago ish???42. What is wrong with you right now?

I am constantly depressed and there’s nothing I can do about it exceot keep myself insanely busy but that means there’s no breather for me and also I probably have adhd but can’t afford a therapist43. How well do you know the last female you texted?

FeMaLe dude just say chick

pretty well! I like her favourite band and we talk like once a week at the very least44. Does anyone disgust you?

yes my ex was very nasty and tore people down to his level and also this one person from high school who fucked over my friends 45. Would you date someone right now if they asked?

depends on who.... eye emoji............. but probably yes I have low standards46. Are you in a good mood right now?

yes!47. Who was the last person you talked to in person?

my parents? but other than that it was thanking Nick from the band Unpopular Opinion for the lovely tabling opportunity last night48. What color shirt are you wearing?

white T shirt with a cat pink sweater with a cat49. Has someone recently told you something you didn’t want to hear?

yes one of my parents says nasty things when in a bad mood50. Anyone you’re giving up on?

yes my former best friend who ghosted me and this girl who keeps flaking on plans with me and also a boy who got mixed up in weird drama with me and his ex that I never wanted to be a part of51. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for?

I’ve never really falen hard for anyone, just periods of obsession. I guess I’m waiting for that one sPeCiAl sOmEoNe

52. Have you ever thought about giving up on someone but couldn’t?

yes, but I’ll settle for waiting53. Do you like rain?

a little of it!54. Do you care if your boyfriend/girlfriend drinks?

I’d rather they not be a alcholoic because I had a raging drunk coworker who scared the shit out of me once but I guess I’d be okay with the ocasional drink/drunk night as long as they’re safe55. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them?

So many times... I keep my mouth shut because it would never work for one reason or another...... also I’m so SICK of having to make the move all the time I just want to be fawned over I’ve never had anyone do ANYTHING romantic for me 56. Do you like to cuddle?

.......................yes57. Are you shy?

not normally! I LOVE being social but in relationships yeah because I���m insecure58. Do you get along with girls?

yes? girls who don’t get along with girls are lame...... lift each other up don’t tear yaselves down59. Have you dated the person you texted last?

nope! But I’ll admit I thought about it haha60. What do you carry with you at all times?

chapstick, money, and pepper spray

ya boy don’t mess around61. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you?

depends on the haunted levels, as long as the “ghost” would only watch/appear and not scream or whatever or try to make contact I guess that would be fine? but if It tries to disturb me I’m yeeting mysef the fuck outta here because ya boy needs uninterrupted beauty rest62. Do you think you can last in a relationship for five months?

yep! I dragged one out for a year and a half when I really should have ended things much sooner than that63. Think back to October, were you in a relationship?

nope! Been single for around two years now64. The person you like kisses you on the forehead, do you find this cute?

YES HOLY SHIT65. Did anything “cute” happen in the last week?

I fired some pieces in my pottery class! my mugs and bowls came out so well

and I met the cutest punk boy last night!!!!!! he’s so cute and very my type and I got to dance with him in the mosh pit!!!!!!!!!! tell me that’s not the cutest punk thing ever

66. How old are the last three people you kissed?

19, 18(17???), and 21

67. Would you rather pay to get your nails done or do them yourself?    

I’ve only gotten them done once! It was very enjoyable but I’m a cheapskate so I’d probably rather do them myself68. Which do you like better- Zebra print or leopard print?    

leopard print I guess69. Do you have any stickers on your car?    

one! A turtle from the Maui Ocean Center. I’d like to add a few more sea-related ones and maybe a totoro I bought at a con a few years back70. Would you rather listen to Luke Bryan or Lil Wayne?    

literally who the fuck even are these people71. Blackberry, Android, or iPhone?   

android 4 lyfe72. When’s the last time you had pizza from Pizza Hut?    

never? my DnD group would get round table or little caesars73. Do you like diet soda?    

I guess? I like it the same as diet soda74. What color are the walls in your room?    

one purple wall and the other three are pastel mint75. Are you 16 or older?    

yeah baybee76. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars?  

nope  77. Do you have a job?   

yep! I’m a windsurfing instructor   78. What are your initials?    

ZSKMTS

but usually I go by SS79. Did you ever have braces?    

nope! I’ve got near-perfect teeth :D80. Are you from the south?    

nope!

81. What does your last status on facebook say?    

I talked about meeting my favourite band again!82. Do you still talk to the first person you ever kissed?

no because he forced himself on me when we were young and I think he remembers and is ashamed and also doesn’t live near me anymore    83. Are you closer to your mom or your dad?    

idk, I’m close but not in different ways with both of them84. Have you ever done cheerleading or gymnastics?    

I was really good at the tumbling unit in 6th grade85. What’s the last movie you saw in theaters?   

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? I don’t go to the movies much 86. Do you smoke?    

no the smell of cigarettes makes me want to vomit87. Would you rather wear heels or flip flops?    

I love heels but I LIVE in flip flops bc california88. Is your phone touch screen?    

yes???? damn when was this ask game made89. Do you normally wear your hair straight or curly?  

straight.......... I’m too lazy to curl it  90. Have you ever snuck out of your house?  

nope! I’m a weenie  91. Would you rather swim in a river, lake, or pool?    

the ocean!!!!!!!! But I guess a pool bc I’m afraid of the flesh eating bacteria in freshwater lakes92. Have you ever made out in a car?    

no but I HAVE made out on some random person’s lawn lmao93. …Had sex in a car?  

no I’m a virgin  94. Are you single or in a relationship?   

single pringle who loves to mingle 95. What were you doing last night at midnight?    

selling my art and listening to cool bands and dancing with cute punk people!!!96. When’s the last time you saw fireworks? 

the day after the fourth of July   97. Do you like the camera on your phone?    

yes! I just got a new phone and the camera is way better than my old one

the low lighting setting is  c r i s p 98. Have you ever had a friend with benefits?  

I made out with this one friend of mine like twice and then I never did it again bc I felt icky  99. Have you ever passed out from drinking?    

no I don’t drink100. Are you friends with people on facebook that you actually hate?    

NAH BRO YOU GOTTA UNFRIEND THE FUCK OUTTA THEM NO RAGRETS 101. Have you ever had a pregnancy scare?    

nope I’m a virgin102. Name your favorite Kesha song:    

Liily? did you mean Liily???? my favourite Liily song is Wash, Toro, or The Weather103. Do you have any tan lines right now?  

yeah one from the ring I wear every day  and like a shorts tan from summer104. Would you ever wear cowboy boots with shorts?

hell yeah but ONLY if the cowboy boots are bright red or hot pink no exceptions

[cannedbeaner]

~Depression~

Soooooooo

I didn`t eat shit today because I`m depressed

Now I`m even MORE depressed cause my parents got me food and tried ti guilt trip me into eating

Lemme explain

I woke up at 9 and felt depressed

I didn`t eat, drink or take my meds and went straight to therapy, with my mum being late as always.

When I was at therapy I just ... just drew. I didn`t talk to her cause she was busy and I didn`t wanna interrupt her. But, I`m now enrolled into a contest in which I have to draw a beachy themed drawing and once it`s done, myself as well as 9 of my other artists patients can win a $25 Visa Gift Card. I didn`t choose to enroll in this, I was forced to. I like the idea of getting a Visa Gift Card, one my parents might not take for cigarette money, but I won`t win it. I`m not talented at all

Anywho, I got to my house, picked up my Chrome book, charger, wireless mouse and earbuds and went to my grandma`s house. Our internet went out and I`ve been staying in a mad house. My aunt and uncle, who`re 50 and 60 something, are arguing like children and my grandma and uncle unmedicaded ADHD is driving me insane

I stayed there, went to sleep for five minuets and went to Physical Therapy at 1:30

I was told that my knee is fucked because of multiple things. One, my flat feet are causing me to walk weird, two, my muscle`s strengths are imbalanced and one muscle is pulling to hard, causing my knee cap to push/pull OUTWARDS, causing bone on bone friction and three, a lack of many things including but NOT limited to water, exercise and a healthy mindset.

After I was told ‘This`s your fault, fix it’, I went back to my grandma`s and proceeded to mentally drag myself by my crooked teeth; Telling myself that I`m a lazy piece of shit who did this to themselves, that no one loves me and I`ll die alone.

Ya know, the usual

At about 7 something PM, my mum came and picked up my brother and I, telling us that the water bill was payed but the internet wasn`t. MEANING, the water bill was too high cause my brother takes hour long showers and we`re too broke to pay the other bill

We went home with my feeling pissed AND depressed and I, in a fit of pure pissed off-ness told them, them being my parents, I wasn`t hungry, when I in fact am hungry. They asked me if I was sure and I lied, telling them I wasn`t hungry. They shrugged and went to McDonald`s, telling me before hand that they`re still buy me dinner.

I sat at home, doing fuck all, and mentally abused myself, telling myself that I`m a piece of shit lire that`s gonna die alone and that we`re poor because of my stupid ass.

Once they got home, they sat out the food and I sat at my desk, now telling them out of pure depression that I wasn`t hungry. Even tho I said I wasn`t hungry about 3 times BEFORE THEY LEFT, the bought me a whole entire meal, which costs about ... 6-10 USD.

I sat at my desk and watched them eat, regretting ever being born and regretting nt slitting my wrists when I had the chance. My dad tried to guilt trip me into eating, saying “You know if you eat, we`ll call your grandmother and see if you can stay over”. I still told them I wasn`t hungry and sat there, listening to them eat.

After they ate, my dad asked me if I wanted the rink he bought me. I said sure and picked it up, placing it on the desk. I put the straw in and left it there, not even taking a single drop out of it.

5 minuets later, my mum asked if I wanted to go to my grandma`s house, which`s 2 football fields away

I said sure and proceeded to go, leaving my untouched drink there

Now I`m sitting at my grandma`s house

In pain, depressed, slightly suicidal, hungry and so fucking tired

It`s been one hell of a Friday, right?

[vent-with-me0951]

So back again

Okay it's been a long time since I've posted an actual well... anything. Thus this is going to be extremely long. Because I've decided fuck it, let's put it all out there and see how it goes.

Ok so I'm gonna just straight let it all out and not sugar coat shit. My life is spiraling and I'm just waiting for a grip to stop it.

Let me explain. Please stay with me this isn't the root of the problem just how we got there.

My aunt and uncle are drug addicts, my mom is a somewhat functional alcoholic, my grandpa has ptsd and survivors guilt from Vietnam, and he has super bad mood swings and anger issues from the medication he has to take, along with a bunch of other shit I'll put in later, and my grandma is bipolar and she has a tendency to take her anger out on people who have nothing to do with why shes angry. Then there's me. I have social anxiety, depression, adhd, and ptsd from mental and physical abuse. So that's all the people who were living in my grandparents house. My aunt and uncle are there because they refuse to get jobs and go, and my mom is in the process of leaving the city. I lived there because my grandparents found out my papa is sicker than we thought. He has cancer, liver desiese, ptsd, suvivors guilt, bad legs a bad back, staff in his shoulder, and he only had 1 kidney and thats shitting out on him, he's had 2 strokes and he has emphysema, and my grandma has a lump in her brest she refuses to have checked, both of her knees are bad, and she has very little strength in her hands anymore, and she's hypoglycemic.

So they needed help.

Why, you ask with my auntie and uncle there.

Oh wait isn't your mom there too, you say.

Yes they are there mysterious other half of conversation, but they don't care.

So Tom and I (Tom is my fiance) let our lease expire and moved back to help with bills and food and just taking care of the house. Fast forward to the week before Thanksgiving last year. About a week after my last text post "Why am I in trouble now" another knock down drag out happened, because my aunt got caught and decided to blame the neeldes my grandma found on me. Let me explain something people. With all the shit wrong with my brain I'm not going to put something in my body that's going to fuck it up more. And on top of that... I FUCKING HATE NEEDLES!!! HATE THEM!!! LIKE I WAS THE KID(read adult) WHO KICKED THE NURSE BECAUSE OF A SHOT!!!!! My entire life I've been this person. It didn't magically change over night. Anyway it started shit between my aunt and I then my grandma and I because she of course took my aunt's side then my mother gets home from work and makes things worse my grandpa gets involved so now it's a cluster fuck of shouting and and demands then as soon as it started it's ended with Tom and I getting kicked out and my mother moving into my grandparents trailer on the side of the house, and my aunt getting $40 for supposedly a carton of cigarettes. Since that night I've moved twice. Not one of them including the first move, which is what I'm calling getting kicked out, were nice moves like I plan and get my stuff in boxes. I picked a place and moved, no this was "your family is on a rampage get your shit and get out" kind of thing. Or "it's too cold to survive" kind of move.

So move one was to the bed of my truck that was parked in the front yard of a my sister in law's new rental house and I basically stayed with her, her husband Ben and my mother-in-law. I'd clean the house for them I'd watch TV in the front room and every Sunday I'd make all of us dinner and whatever. (I say sister in law and mother in law because I've been with Tom forever we live together that's my husband in everything but paper) I used her bathroom I made my food in her kitchen almost like roommates except my room was in the truck.

My guys this was right before winter in Colorado like 3 days after Thanksgiving right when it starts to get cold here. But they at the time didn't have any extra space so... yeah I was screwed. Anyway fast forward to the night after Halloween. I'm in the truck with my dog Tom's at work I have a space heater going because it's like 20 outside and I'm in the damn shell of my truck. Wouldn't you know the first snow of winter hits and just so happens Ben needed the extension cord I was using on my space heater and didn't tell me so I wake up at like 3 in the morning freezing and my dog bundled up in my blankets. So that's bullshit #1. But I mean screw it so I get a new extension cord and get set up again whatever.

Please note that I'm still taking care of the house at this point. I'm still in the truck but fuck it I don't work my husband takes care of me. We just need time. Why not clean while we wait.

Fast forward to a to the the middle of November husband and I buy an RV from a guy he works with took a while in the cold ass bed of the truck but we did it. So move 2 into the RV. I/we love my damn RV. My husband and I were(still are) thinking about just buying a fixer upper on a patch of nice land, with the hookups for an RV and fixing our new house as we go along and slowly move into it.

Now the day we moved into the RV is the day I stopped going in my sister's house I don't clean it I don't cook in there they come over to the RV and by their words "camp for the night".

Now everything has been fine up untill about a month ago. Tom and I were going to move back into the house, that we now haven't been in since last November, because my mother in law was moving out and my sister in law asked us to stay in the house as roommates instead of in the RV as landmates as she put it. So we went out and got new flooring and paint. Because my mother in law had ugly colors on the wall last time I went in there and I mean who wants tile in their bedroom. Then when she left we were going to get everything redone and move into the house.

Please note that I now haven't been taking care of or going into it for anything since last November they come out to the RV or we go have lunch and crap.

My mother in law moves out and we go into the house and I don't even know what to say. It's bad I swear it should be fucking condemned. I can't move in. But now we are at the root of the problem. I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!!!! ITS SO FUCKING BAD!!!!! My sister is acting like nothing is wrong everyone is acting like nothing is wrong. My husband and I don't want to touch anything it's so bad I don't want my dog in this house. Its so bad I don't want to park next to the damn house anymore.I don't really have any other option now though. Because we bought the damn paint and flooring already. Dude I don't know what to do. Like I honestly don't think it's safe for them to be in there. But when I bring it up they, they being my sister and Ben, act like nothing is wrong. This is the room they wanted us to move in like what the fuck is this shit.

Guys I have OCD to the point that where I have panic attacks. This put my straight into a panic attack. To the point that Tom had to carry me out. It has to be infested it has to be like holy fuck dude i cleaned I took care of the house it sure as shit didn't look like this when I left why the fuck how the fuck there's holes in the floor you guys there's mice everywhere I'm assuming based on this room and they didn't tell us shit dude we're paying 650 for this are you kidding hell no I'm not staying here with you sister or not. I don't know what to do or say. Like how do you...what do you even do because the people living in the house know what the house looks like they aren't dumb people you know what the fuck I don't even want to know what the kitchen looks like. There is seriously no way in hell I'm even staying on this land for longer than I have to. Because what the fuck and I told my sister that. I can't believe they arent having this same freak out I'm having.

Am I just being a bitch am I freaking out for nothing. Or is it as bad as I see it is. Because their reaction to it is making me think I'm just finally going crazy. I don't want to be remotly near this place anymore. That is the room they want us to sleep in. I've seen barns better than here. They keep asking when we are moving in and I keep telling them never but they don't believe me. My husband keeps saying never and they don't believe him. Like how are you going to tell someone oh yeah come live with is all you need to do is paint and replace the flooring in there. Then magically forget to mention mice and trash and what the fuck is that. Like first of all your a liar. Anyway so that's what my life's been like since my last text post. I do kinda feel better now that I got it out. But still what the fuck.

[sisky-bizz]

If this really is goodbye, then let’s set the world on fire ||2018

JANUARY 8TH, 1988.

To my understanding, was a day of celebration. A celebration of love and life and new beginnings for a small family living in Chicago. On the eighth day, of the first month, and the year nineteen eighty-eight, a baby was born. He was not destined to change the world, or save lives, or to become a legend. He was normal. Painfully normal, born into a normal family, though it was loving and nurturing and protective and proud family. The baby could not begin to imagine the world that would lie outside of the mother’s arms he was born into.

JANUARY 8TH, 2005.

It was on his 17th birthday that the youngest siska should have realized that his life was not as normal as he had once believed. He still wasn’t destined to change the world, yet here he was presented with the opportunity to see it. To travel and visit the world, playing music with the people that he loved. Or at least he had been, until he woke up in the hospital bed and threw up the numerous Ritalin pills he had consumed. The doctors had thrown a label at him, and medication to join it. He wasn’t sure he had fully understood what ADHD had even meant, never mind what the pills could do to him, all that he knew was that they stopped him from feeling like his mind was running at a hundred miles a minute, so he hadn’t fully understood why the fourth one he’d taken had him feeling dizzy, or why the ninth had sent him crashing to the floor of the studio. He’d spent a few days in the too bright, too quiet room, debating how best he could avoid finding himself in a hospital again in the future.

JANUARY 8TH, 2009.

His 21st birthday was the night of bad decisions. His only encounters with intoxication had been prescribed medication, consumed in bulk accidentally once. Until now, the boy had only dreamt of being free to drink alcohol, to experiment with the lifestyle of sex, drugs ontop of the rock and roll he had been promised.

By 21, he had been successful. He had a band, a career that he loved and talent that people could not wait to pay to see. He was admired, and he was dumb. Dumb enough to let his friend make a decision for him that would change his life. Gabe Saporta was a bad influence, and Siska craved every second of his attention. It was his twenty first birthday when Adam took the first hit that would nestle deep inside of his system, an addiction that he would never kick.

JANUARY 8TH, 2015.

/IF I SHOULD DIE AND I AM 27 THEN AT LEAST I WILL DIE A LEGEND/ The 27 club. Hendrix, Jones, Joplin, Morrison, Cobain, Whinehouse. Some people would consider it a tragedy, or stupidity. But not me, no, I call it a normal reaction to a fucked up life – drugs, alcohol, addiction, homicide, suicide. To me, they were legends.

At 27, this would have been a statement, it would have been considered an accomplishment of heroism or defiance. I would have been remembered.

But instead, I was sat in an examination room of Lovelace Mental Hospital, with Dr Aaron Hoskin prodding and probing at the needle marks on my arms, at the burns covering my body with a grimace, a grimace that I would soon grow to know all too well.

JANUARY 8TH, 2017.

The first year that I remember my birthday for something good. It was celebrated. Even Jack hadn’t bothered with birthdays, sometimes I think I should have questioned why. But right now, I was comfortable in my pjs, Flynn excitedly bouncing on the bed with his hands wrapped tightly around a brightly decorated boy. I was in love, with the boy and his mother who watched happily from the doorway. I am still in love with that moment, and I will cherish it with me forever. I know that I would give anything to have that feeling back, to tell Hayley that I forgive her and beg for her forgiveness in return. But, I can’t change the past, only the future, I just hope that they are happier.

JANUARY 8TH, 2018.

/CAN YOU TAKE ME HIGHER?/                This is the first appointment I have attended in months, since Aaron dragged me to his office himself. But now, Dr Benson is flitting around the office to locate my file, nervous hands flicking through the papers. While his attention is diverted, I swipe a bottle of medication from his desk. He’s new here, and I feel bad for him. I wonder how many patients he has helped, what kind of state’s he’s seen people in. I almost apologize to him as he excuses me from his office.

I find myself visiting the infirmary, hovering around the bed of the blonde girl. She was asleep, and she looked peace and I hoped that she was not in pain. I hoped, but doubted, that the ‘accident’ stated on her charts was true. I realize I’d love to comfort her properly, to hold her hand and cry that I need her to get better. But instead, I take advantage of Dr Prince’s back being turned to swipe a needle and syringe from the tray by Hayley’s bed and excuse myself from her bedside, hurrying back to my own room.

I’d love to say that I was regretting it. That I was nervous for what I am about to do. The truth is, I have done this countless time before, only this time there was nobody left to miss. I would love to claim that I have declarations of love and apologies to make but I don’t. Not anymore. I do wish that Aaron had of made a different decision and sent me back to America when I had begged, that he didn’t need to see this. I hope, that instead, he hears about this in passing conversation and simply grimaces like he did the first time that we met.

Truthfully, 30 years is too long to live. To long to suffer and drag myself through this life. Far too long…

               What is a beautiful life?

               Without a beautiful death?

Adam settled back on the bed once everything was prepared, tying one of the shoelaces from his gifted converse around his arm. He took a breath to settle himself, his teeth clutching around the end of a lit cigarette as he closed his eyes. The movement felt natural as he raised his hand, pushing the head of the needle into his skin. He inhaled sharply, letting the mix of toxins in his system and smoke dancing around him drag him away from his fucked up world…

[memorycapsules]

Two Roads Diverge

I don’t exactly know where to begin.  I guess just that the last few days I’ve felt like I wanna crawl out of my own skin.  And I want to say it’s not because of Tony but I know I’m lying to myself pretty hard when I try to pull that shit.  Leaving Santa Maria was way harder than I thought it would be at all.  Blindsided me a bit.  I’ve been feeling real down since then. Only three days since my last day there if you include the last day.  And I will because I was a mess all day then haha.  I think this is the closest I’ve felt to being broken up with, I’m realizing.  Even though this is what we agreed on from the start and I know we both still want to be together.  We’ve both been talking to each other as if we’re still together which isn’t surprising because I might be moving in with him in New York City in two months if this cruise ship interview doesn’t work out.  

Matt Koenig’s speech at graduation really struck a chord with me.  As graduation speeches always do with me for some reason.  The whole thing was about how to tackle fear.  There was a part where he was saying that people always get stuck between choices because they’re afraid to make the wrong one.  And he urged everyone to make any choice anyway, just pick one.  He quoted Robert Frost and said “two roads diverged in a wood and I, I...didn’t take either because- long ramble agonizing about the pros and cons of both- so I’m still right here”.  It was clever and kind of just clicked for me because I always agonize about things.  If I learned anything from Tony this year, and fuck did I learn from him, it’s that exact thing.  Just do something.  Especially if you know what it is you want, stop considering that other choice cause you’ve already made up your mind.  And for the love of god be honest with yourself, be direct instead of dragging out a bad feeling because you’re scared.  Mark Booher got me with a line in his speech at brunch too, just because the weight of leaving in a few hours sitting on my shoulders.  Knowing all the goodbyes I had ahead of me and especially not knowing how I’d be able to walk away from Tony instead of just staying for one more minute indefinitely.  Tony sitting right next to me while Mark was talking about what it meant to love working for theater.  He described love as enjoying something past the point of it just being fun anymore.  It just really stuck with me.  But with all that on my mind how could I think of anything but him sitting with me, knowing he was feeling just as rough about leaving because he had straight up told me instead of pretending he was feeling anything otherwise.  Enjoying being with someone past the point of it just being fun.

That what it was when I walked into that relationship in November.  Just a fun thing to enjoy for the remaining six months.  Not that I didn’t think he was cool to be around or talk to but that was just all it was for me at the beginning.  A funny friend who happened to be attractive and I could mess around with sexually.  No real pressure, and we kept to ourselves as much as two people can who live with each other.  It was really nice.  And then I slowly kept finding more and more things about how he is as a person that kept opening my eyes about how I live my life and that shaped me in some ways because of that.  Like I’ve said, he’s direct about whatever it is he’s feeling, he just does things he wants to do without agonizing over it first, he’ll find some wildly different way of thinking than how he currently is, he’ll dive into it and then reassess before he goes totally crazy about it and swings too far the opposite way.  He lives like he designs, I’ve noticed.  Huge, grand, impossible ideas at first and then catches himself and pares it down to a distilled version of that first over the top concept.  He’ll fight a differing opinion very hard at first but if it makes sense deep down he’ll give in to it sooner rather than later.  He apologises readily.  He’s so so distracted by tv, the fucking adhd loser.  But he will register that you’ve said something every time.  It just takes a second to get there.  Stubborn about his cigarettes when he’s drunk.  Knows better when he’s not.  Always singing and dancing and coming up with stupid character voices and with each and every one of those he takes them so much farther than I would ever think a person could.  So far past dumb that they just inherently make me laugh and I hate that he wins me over without fail.  Obsessed with classical art and movies and basketball.  Overthinks everything or doesn’t even think about it at all.  I could go on, believe me.  Anyway I’m pretty messed up about I guess limbo breaking up, to the point where I want to just sabotage this interview or turn it down and dive headfirst into The City and continuing to have fun with him.  Because I know if he’s started changing me this much in only six months there’s so much more of that to come.  And I love it.

I feel crazy for wanting to drop everything and stay with him because I’ve never had the scales tip strongly enough in favor of doing that over pursuing career options elsewhere.  But going to New York wouldn’t be a throw away by any means.  Ideally it would mean freelancing or even this Julliard staff carp job that Fatimah just sent me.  It looks like there’s work there it’s just scary freelancing work, and scary committing to moving into Tony’s bedroom after only dating him for 6 months and scary turning down a cruise gig that pays so well for not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from in a huge intimidating city.  But the alternative is literally making me sick the last few days.  I’ve felt sick and have zero appetite because right now feels like trying to start moving past him, and I don’t want to do that at all.  Even if that means giving up touring on a boat in Hawaii for 4 months.  I just am so afraid of getting this job and being a freelance tech again like 7 months after leaving Santa Maria and having him move on or moving on myself.  And then having no option for cheap housing there with him.  I couldn’t move in to his bedroom again after 7 months apart right?  That’s crazy to think that’s possible.

Here I am agonizing.  It’s all I’ve been doing the last couple days.  Probably why I’m feeling sick.  I think I need to 1. be honest with him.  I think it may have been dumb to break up on Sunday.  I think maybe we should wait until we know for sure if I have that job with Norwegian.  I just want to talk to him like we have been without feeling like I’m being clingy.  And if we’re both feeling it and there’s no concrete reason why we should’ve broken up- especially since moving in with him is very much still on the table- why not just stay dating...long distance... for another two weeks or so.  2. make a choice.  Pick a road regardless of the chance it may be the wrong one.  Because when in life are things so dramatically right and wrong?  I think either way the world will still spin and I’ll still be here.  So once I even know if the cruise ship place is giving me a real offer then all that means is I have a choice.  And all  I have to do is pick a road and start walking.

[thefarlefchronicles]

Farlef Chronicles Episode 4 - The Farlefhymenning

This chapter is dedicated to Spotify and its creation of the exclusive Farlef Chronicles Playlist.

https://open.spotify.com/user/227f24h5jhnr6y6v6zhnfudsy/playlist/22y0Yqx1Ruj22k9TdJItbF

Previously on The Farlef Chronicles, HOLY FUCK WHAT THE FUCK, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS HOLY SHIT FUCK BALLS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK EVERYONE'S DEAD FUCK ME. FIRE.

Current - December 25, 2016 2:21 A.M. at Farlef and John's Apartment in Spokane         

      After riding all night along US-395 N southbound they finally made it to Spokane, the upper echelon of Deer Park,Washington. As Farlef, his wheelchair bound dad, his brother John and his brother's girlfriend Sarah rode in silence wondering what they just witnessed and why it happened, they were all waiting for Farlef's Dad to finally get out of his own personal flashback after he declared it all started in 1941. In his blank daze all they could do was now stare at their Christopher Reeve acting father and wonder what images danced in his head. It couldn't of been of sugar plums dancing in his head cause he called them the fruit of the faggot and banished him from his home every Christmas. No what was going on through Farlef's Dad's head was much more barbaric and erotic.

  As John was driving towards his apartment in his Bitchin Brubaker Box he decided to address everyone in the car.

  "Farlef, this seems like the type of shit you and dad deal with, I never in the past wanted to know what you two did, I figured I let Bigones be bygones

 but now that Sarah is involved I am too. Whatever you two need, you can count on me."  

     "John I really don't give a shit, don't involve me in this" Sarah declared as she wondered what was on tv to watch.

     Farlef was shocked that his brother was willing to join them in whatever came next. He had heard tales of John's time down in the Congo as a member of the Peace Corps and how it turned bad. No one heard from his group for 4 months then one day on a small raft made of human bodies, not corpses, actual living bodies sewed together to make a raft he reappeared. He said nothing of the experience and no one asked any questions.

    "Glad to count on you bro, I have no idea what is about to happen but if they willing to burn down our town, try to kill us and somehow involve Justine in all this it seems like a bigger conspiracy then either of us could of imagined."     

John pulled his Bitchin Brubaker Box into the parking lot that was outside his apartment.

       "When Dad wakes up from his stupor, our lives will probably change. Not for the better, its never for the better when he goes on his rants but either way we are in this together. Now get Dad off the roof and I will see you inside" John said as he ran inside to avoid the rain.

     As Farlef was dragging his father up the stairs the back of his wheelchair popped open revealing a  secret compartment in his wheelchair. The back had a false backing and inside was many moose tranquilizers, moose pheromones, a selfie with a bear and a scroll that was thousands of years old written in menstrual deer blood on human skin named  'Ponere cervis auritosque Mailman et nuntiavit autem custos arrhabonem'. As he tried to say the words a loud his father woke from his stupor 

     "THE STAG, THE MAILMAN AND THE KEEPER OF THE PAWN" Farlef's died cried out startling Farlef.

    "Dad are you ok, you been passed out for over 3 hours since we fled Deer Park" Farlef exclaimed.

      “What are you going on about, got too much gay in your ears, this entire time I was explaining the deep rooted history of the war with the moose, how it happened, why it happened, fuck don't you two cock mongrels listen to anything. Always on your fancy pocket porn doohickeys and jerking off to Asian Bestiality Necrophilia porn. Fucking weirdos, back in my day we sneak into the forest during mating season and watch bears fuck to get our jolly's off. Sure it was risky, a bear in heat will fuck anything. If I had known that once that bear penetrated me and snapped my spin in two that I would never walk again I would have had the decency to go to the Deer Park Sperm Bank and made a deposit and hope to one day spread my seed again in hopes of getting a masculine son that was straight cause at the moment I can't feel any pain except the pain of knowing my sons are homosexuals." He bellowed out as Farlef brought him into John's apartment while Sarah came out of their bathroom and went to the bedroom she and john shared heterosexually pretending she heard nothing as usual.        

      "Dad you literally were about to explain what happened, said it all started in 1941, then went into some weird coma so we tied you to the roof of John's bitchin Brubaker Box and got the fuck out of Dodge”

     "Why where we in Dodge? We were in Deer Park, our precious holy land, burned to the ground"

         "Getting out of Dodge is just an expression and it turns out Deer Park was not burned down. The Moose used CGI to fake everything except our house burning down, that was real. They are sophisticated mother fuckers"       "You mean my antique collection of pharaoh pubic hairs are gone. I don't have a reason to live" Exclaimed Farlef's father. 

  Unbeknownst to Farlef and his brother, while their father had his 47th life crisis, they where going through his things and found charts and maps explaining the centuries long feud between Deer and Moose.

 "I’ll be right back I need to Back the bus out of the garage " Farlef said.

   "What?" John replied.

   "I need to Balance The Budget"

    "?"

    "I need to bomb the porcelain sea"

   "Seriously what are you going on about"

" I need to chop some butt wood, go colon bowlin', Dispense some soft serve, Drop Anchor, Fertilize the Ferns, Give back that Corn, Got to put one on the Radar, Ignite a Rectal Rocket, Log into the toilet and make a huge download,  Pinch a Stink Pickle, Release the Chocolate Hostages, ya know Montezuma's Revenge"

  "Farlef I have no idea what the fuck your rambling about"”

   "I NEED TO SHIT JOHN, I WAS TRYING TO BE DISCRETE"

 "Oh why didn't you say something, you could of just said you needed to get a Stranglehold on a Darkie"

"Hot peppers have killed all that I love And what I loved was an asshole that didn't burn like the great fire of chicago" Farlef declared as he left the bathroom.

He felt like Johnny Cash cause his asshole was a Burning Ring of Fire. After thoroughly destroying yet another bathroom, a record 13 he walked into a sight he had no words to describe.

"I was gone for 15 minutes reading a nice article bout bay window decor in Good Housekeeping and this is what I return to. First off Dad, what in the fuck are you doing"

   "I AIN'T GOT A REASON TO LIVE BOY, I COULD ONLY DEAL WITH YOU NANCY BOYS WITH MY VINTAGE PHARAOH PUBIC HAIRS. PAPI MADE THE PAWN OF A LIFETIME FOR THEM. I GOT NOTHING" he yelled as he swung there, his neck too fat to choke himself.

And John, what the fuck is happening here"

    "ITS ALL CONNECTED FARLEF, IT ALL MAKES SENSE. DAD IS A RAVING HOMOPHOBIC, RACIST, PARAPLEGIC, CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING IN HIS LEGS BUT THE FEELING OF KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE TRIES EVEN THROWING HIMSELF DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS TO ELICIT A REACTION OF PAIN BUT THE ONLY PAIN HE FEELS IS KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL OF A MAN BUT HE IS RIGHT. ITS ALL ABOUT THE MOOSE. ONE SPECIFIC MOOSE, PEPE SILVIA" he exclaimed as he took another drag of his cigarette.

 "In the name of the Mailman, The Papi and the Holy Stag" Farlef prayed to himself. 

   His brother was right, so was his RAVING HOMOPHOBIC, RACIST, PARAPLEGIC, CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING IN HIS LEGS BUT THE FEELING OF KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE TRIES EVEN THROWING HIMSELF DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS TO ELICIT A REACTION OF PAIN BUT THE ONLY PAIN HE FEELS IS KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL OF A MAN SO HE STABS HIMSELF IN THE LEG WITH A KNIFE TO FEEL ANY PAIN BUT THE ONLY PAIN HE FEELS IS KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL NOW HE HAS A KNIFE STICKING OUT OF HIS LEG THAT HE DOESN'T FEEL ANY PAIN IN EXCEPT THE PAIN OF KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL SO HE TAKES ANOTHER KNIFE TO JIMMY THE FIRST KNIFE OUT OF HIS LEG BUT YET HE STILL FEELS NO PAIN EXCEPT THE PAIN OF KNOWING HIS SON IS A HOMOSEXUAL, NOW WITH TWO KNIVES STUCK IN HIS LEGS HE CAN'T FEEL father. The moose where behind everything. 

"Dad you need to tell us everything, how this began, why its happening, we need answers"

 "I TOLD YOU ON THE RIDE UP HERE, CLEAN YOUR EARS OUT AND STOP THINKING BOUT CHANNING TATUM FOR 2 GOD DAMNED MINUTES." He yelled still swaying from the ceiling. 

  As both brothers stood their in a daze thinking bout Channing Tatum and his luscious body, his father went on to tell the tale of the greatest story never told except when he is drinking and on the drive up and to a young girl the one year he played Santa Claus at Reindeer Festival in '98 where they sawed reindeer horns shorter so they looked like regular deer.

  "Do you unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit want to know the full story or just the cliff notes cause I don't got all fucking day. Now you slimy little communist shit twinkle toed cock-suckers cut me down, I gotta restock the pond with brown trout"   Not even 2 minutes after cutting their father down and watching him struggle to roll to the bathroom they heard a loud crash.

   “Fucking weak fucking ceiling can't even hold a fucking grown man's weight and his fucking wheelchair, good for nothing spic labor, Trump was right, build the fucking wall and make them pay for it. Sad part is they probably make it as shitty as your ceiling and first breeze rolls in the wetbacks would watch it fall over and then just get across" Farlef's dad muttered from the floor.

  "Ok queerbait and friend, story time, gather round the campfire" Farlef's dad said as he started a campfire in John's living room.

  "You want the whole story or the short version for your ADHD riddled minds" he asked.

"The beginning dad" they both said.

   "Ok I remember emerging from darkness, light blinding me. I was scared. I had emerged from nothing into this new world. A man in white was holding me and your grandmother and grandfather were there. I was naked and covered in blood"

"What the fuck you going on about" John yelled.

"You said from the beginning, I am starting with my birth, where was I? Ah yes I was crying for deer life, not knowing where I was or whence I came but every sight, sound, smell was new and exotic"

"Jesus fucking christ Dad tell us about the war, oh my God" Farlef said with disgust and mild intrigue.

"Fine for fucks sake, I asked if you wanted the long or short version ok, here we go……. We went on vacation to Moose Lake, Wisconsin, fucked shit up and now they hate us" Farlef's dad said as he took a puff of his deer shape pipe.

"OH MY GOD YOU HANDICAPPED OLD FUCK, ALL YOUR STORIES ARE LIKE THIS, EITHER WAY TO DETAILED OR YOU JUST MUTTER OFF A SENTENCE. FUCK. JUST TELL US THE STORY OF WHAT YOU DID AND WITH WHO TO PISS OFF THE MOOSE THAT AFTER ALL THESE YEARS THEY WANT YOU DEAD."

"Fine" he said as his eyes started glassing over, getting ready for another flashback.

    It was the summer of 1969. I was a young man, strong, smart, handsome, single with the legs of a Kenyan sprinter. Beautiful Adonis like legs, sculpted from marble. Hips that could crack a cinderblock between them and thighs that when they rubbed together started forest fires. If I wore shorts, panties hit the floor so hard it cracked concrete. My legs were so magnificent that it caused young men to hit puberty and women to ovulate. The population of Deer Park skyrocketed that summer when I came around.     

   Next was my brother from another Italian gangster mother, Sam. God Sam was a beautiful man. He was part James Dean, part Burt Reynolds and all sex. His nipples were the size of quarters, perfect. His ass was two handfuls of glory and his crotch was so astounding that he had to have custom cloths made to accommodate his Italian Stallion. I still remember when I could still walk we would go skinny dipping together and he would arise from the water, shinning in the moonlight, with a giant catfish on his crotch and he laugh it off saying he caught us dinner.

   Last but not least the third member of our rat pack, our Deer Drove. Papi. This is the sickest mother fucker I ever met. I met him one day while perusing a local mom and pop shop for some pop and a milkshake. As I was about to pay a brown hand stopped me. I was about to undo my pants and show him my legs, that usually did the trick when anyone fucked with me, but I looked into his eyes and saw myself. The past, present and future. I saw all possibilities and no possibilities. Time and space stood still in this man's eyes and I realized we were now imprinted for life. He then proceeded to throw a Molotov cocktail at the waitress and we fled with a free coke and a shake. We been best friends ever since.

The three of us where hanging out, getting ready for the Bi-Annual Running of the Farlef. It was a hot August 9th and it was an especially important year, it was the Bi-centennial of the founding of Deer Park. It was a momentous occasion, after Derby Deer Races, Deer BBQ, the tormenting of the Moose and the popular Running of the Farlef, the great Deer Shaman was going to come down from the mountains and bestow his wisdom on the town.

It was nighttime when the mighty shaman came and told his tale, the true meaning of Deer Park.

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in moose blood, and dedicated to the proposition that all deer are created equal.Now we emerged victorious in a great civil war, testing whether that deer or moose are the horniest and so dedicated, can long endure. We met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their antlers so that Deer Park might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this and of course fuck with the shitty moose.    But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave Deer, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this Deer Park, under Farlef, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that Deer Park of the deer, by the deer, for the deer, shall not perish from the earth. Amen."

       Grown men brought to tears at the great Shaman's speech. Women were so distraught they could not be consoled. Sam, Papi and I though swelled with great pride listening to this one of a kind speech from the elder Deer Shaman. A great pride in being a Deer Parkian and an even greater pride in being heterosexual apex predators of the Cervinae Animal Kingdom. It was that majestic moonlit night we decided to take a pilgrimage of 1,383 miles to the town of Moose Lake, Missouri, bypassing 18 construction zones to do what our forefathers had done for a millennia, FUCK WITH MOOSEKIND.       

After 21 hours, 13 bathroom stops, 2 glory holes and pawn of a lifetime in North Dakota, we made it to Moose Lake. In our time in the car we thought up the most vile, fucked up things to do to this town.

 First we found the first Moose we could and dragged it into their lake and poured liquid nitrogen on it freezing it in place. 

Then we found another Moose in that same lake trying to swim away and we decided to surf him. 

Once we put back on our clothes and dried each other off it was time to raze some hell in the name of Deer Park in their town.

   Papi and Sam decided to fuck with the local economy by firebombing their local pawn shop and Post Office respectively. I decided to defile their prized moose statue in the middle of town.

  I think it was some of my best work yet. Once we finished razing the town we decided to pollute their great lake, not realizing what we were doing would upset the peace treaty between our great families. To fuck with each others town was one thing but in the holy treaty it is stated "The Park and The Lake are off limits." Our ancestors were men of few words.  Once we arrived back at the lake we unleashed our secret weapon. BEAVERS. Three thousand angry beavers. They ravaged the local fauna, cutting down every tree and making a giant dam ruining Moose Lake for years to come. 

  By Papi's best estimate, in 31 years, with their main water supply cut off from the river that feeds into Moosehead Lake, the town would wither and die. Papi was into the long con and it suited me and Sam just fine. Once we were finished we got the hell out of Moose Lake and returned to a simpler life.

  "Little did we know that by cutting off the supply to Moosehead lake we awoke their shaman, a mighty beast by the name of Pete Silvia. He was the one who once awoken, to gather his strength created the APSAA to take down Papi, he rose through the ranks of the Post Office to become Postmaster General and made Sam never able to retire, made his routes longer and switched his mail order bride with a moose spy that poisoned him once they realized old age wouldn't kill him. And of course you know what they did to me. They brainwashed my young son during a wrestling match and turned him gay. They where behind all of it boys. Tonight was their final assault, they want to end this once and for all. So now I ask, are you with me, ready to take up arms against these Moose Mother Fuckers, defend our town and our rights to arm bears and drive these fucks back to their shitty lake or will you turn your back on your heritage, your history, your own livelihoods and sit their on your asses browsing Deer Parkr for some Antler. SO WHO IS WITH ME" Farlef's dad let out with a mighty roar, showing signs of a young Buck in heat once again.     

   Farlef and John were too busy watching the latest episode of My Hero Academia to notice what their dad was rambling about. When he was about to tell his story of what happened his eyes fogged over and he went comatose again so they turned on the tv.

  "GOD DAMN CARTOON WATCHING FUCKBOIS, I JUST TOLD YOU THE STORIED HISTORY OF WHAT HAPPENED, WHY OUR HOME IS GONE, SAM OUR BELOVED MAILMAN IS DEAD AND PAPI HAS BEEN CAPTURED AND TORTURED FOR THESE PAST 7 YEARS AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS WATCH SOME FAIRY SHOW BOUT GOOKS WITH SUPERPOWERS?"     All Farlef heard was Papi was still alive. He owed everything to that man and no new episode of his favorite hit anime My Hero Academia or Boku no Hero Academia  ,for our Japanese readers out there, was going to stop him.

"Dad as usual I have no idea what is going on or what you just said but I am in" Farlef replied, steel determination in his eyes.

"I'm in too dad, I swore I would never raise a hand in violence again after my time in the Congo but this reckoning is a long time coming" John said.

"Get the fuck out" Sarah replied as she turned the tv volume louder.

"All boys, its us Evans men against the world. Just the way we like it"

As the three of them got into John's bitching Brubaker Box one thing was known for certain.

HOUSE EVANS WAS ON THE WARPATH.