#******* ******** *********? sucks that i cant talk about it. but ill graduate and move on.

[boycritter]

nothing that has ever happened to me is a big deal. unbothered in my lane flourished moisturized etc.

[polyamorouspunk]

hii taking you up on your advice offer 😭 ur poly so maybe u have more experience with this than me, how would i break up with my longterm partner?

we’ve been dating for 2 years, it really has seemed perfect but lately idk its just felt wrong. we’ve kinda planned our lives around eachother and moving in together once we graduate, but i cant make myself want to kiss them or be romantic anymore, i dont want to respond to their texts, i get annoyed at them for no reason. they havent done anything wrong theyre wonderful its a “its not you its me” situation to a T.

all of our friends are mutual friends, but most of them were technically my friends first (all the people they used to hang out with sucked) so im scared if we break up they wont have anyone to talk to about it. i really dont want to hurt them.

i honestly might realize this is just me being dumb and all of this will pass and ill want to be with them still once it does, but since i have no clue how id break it off i feel so trapped. i want to know i have a way out if things dont get better, i want to stay with them because i truly changed my mind not because i didnt have a choice.

Not in a poly sense but just a “have had a few relationships” sense I guess I can offer advice.

So I’ve never actually broken up with anyone before, except for the last guy I was messing around with (Catboy) just because as much as I had sooo much feelings for him it was like the most unhealthy “relationship” for me. Like I finally realized like “oh I’m actually NOT better off seeing him, my mental health is ACTUALLY worse” because of his shenanigans.

However, I did have a long term partner who I dated for 6 years who we had plans to move in together and get married etc. same kind of deal, all their friends were my friends. And they dumped me, and yeah, it was really fucking hard even though I knew everyone was going to take my side. And the one person who didn’t I ended up not speaking to anymore because I was like if you’re not going to realize that I’m the only one whose going to keep talking to you because my ex doesn’t give a shit about keeping in contact with people, then that’s on you.

I was devestated. This was like 3 years ago at this point and pretty much right up until about this year I felt like I was somehow “living in the wrong timeline” and like my entire life’s trajectory had been pulled out from underneath me. Not from the breakup so much as them just deciding they never wanted to speak to me again, that I was bad for their mental health, etc. which I always told them if I’m ever bad for your mental health then break up with me, and I meant it and stand by that and their decision, but it still fucking hurt.

Like if that’s what they had to do that’s what they had to do. If that’s what you have to do then that’s what you have to do. While I am of course resentful to my ex, and I hope they get hit by a car or something sometimes, I do stand by their decision that if I wasn’t good for them then I’m happy they left me behind. I don’t know if other people are going to have that same view upon being dumped. I mean like I said I still hate them. But to say that they should have stayed with me for my sake is hypocritical.

Not only that, but an issue of intimacy was occurring between us during the lead-up to the breakup. And as soon as I wasn’t with them anymore and I was able to be with Catboy instead I got a taste of what I had been missing and GOD it felt so good. For the first time ever I felt like someone actually wanted to be intimate with me. It was an amazing feeling. My ex dumping me opened up the door for me to have things I was missing in that relationship. So it wasn’t all bad, for sure.

You have to do what you have to do for yourself. You come first. If you need to break up with your partner, or take space, or whatever, you just have to go for it if you really think it’s what’s best for you.

[ah0yh0y]

tagged by @ribcagelikepiano for the get to know you game!! thx friend !!!!!

questions: last song you listened to, currently watching, currently reading, current obsession

last song: Come Hang Out by AJR off the top of my head by my tabs say Providence by Poor Mans Poison . Come Hang Out feels so nostalgic to me even if i only listened to it recently reminds me of a graduation song (it came out 5 yrs ago so it makes sense. I just really love Poor Mans Poison's vibes generally great fuel for daydream and also matches well with the feeling of revolution (and seeing everything collapse i guess.) (ish) mentally listening to Your Love is All I Need by Sami Yusuf tho at all times lately, probs because i have been trying to wean myself off listening to music for like the 50th time. (its slow going but IM GONNA TRY inshaallah ill be able to do it) (he also took the old nasheed music video off his channel? sad its so good)

currently watching: does d20 mentopolis count? only watched one ep but its good. i havent watched anything regularly besides like school vids for a bit. tried watching the dragon prince s5 when it came out but buffering (the video player i mean) and dissatisfaction at the pacing and characterization kinda stopped me. ill back on it at the end of the yr when everything is settled. if we are talking about podcasts started relistening to wolf 359 and keeping up with the greater gatsby (the latter has SUBLIME noir vibes as it is a noir i bloody love shipwreck's work it scratches that itch in my brain so well) . i may have seen spoilers for wolf 359 so i am anxiously waiting to see if i am proved wrong but im on s4 so its soon prepare for a barrage of reblogs for it. watched s4 of malory towers it was very nice i cant wait for s5 - the pantomime hopefully we get new members for the older years next season i miss the larger cast

currently reading: not much really. fanfic alot. i guess. caught up to the end of the To Make a Legend series on ao3 (pjo) and other fics for a couple of other fandoms (in one false move by Kalidium is really good if your into murder most unladylike - spoilers for A Spoonful of Murder though) also been reading barbie 2023 fanfic? was bored and started hunting for good ones (slim picking at the moments but if you want character study and grief and some bloody good writing def read something in me in you by telm_393 i cant explain it its that good) also reread My Memories Came Back in the Form of Someone Else by Lucy_Luna yes its that really good spiderverse fanfic do check it out

BESIDES THAT THO in terms of actual books. have the audiobook saved for The Valley and The Flood so gonna listen to that later. Have to read The Hate Race for class (not my fave but i need for analysis ive read it like 3 times but I STILL DONT REMEMBER ANYTHING) .

started rereading The Ballad Of Songbirds and Snakes a couple of weeks ago ahead of the movie coming out at the end of this year but never got the chance to finish it so ill have to get on that too.

also dracula ive been reading as well but more on that the next section.

current obsession: re:dracula is the first that comes to mind im so bloody invested in jonathan's wellbeing and his relationship wiht mina and the whole story its insane . i should read more older books its good . re;dracula DOES SUCH A GOOD JOB AT SUCKING YOU INTO THE STORY THE VOICE ACTORS REALLY MADE IT FOR ME i just cant with ti it makes me so bloody happy!! Renfield's voice actor is a standout for me everytime he's there i just have to pause and stare at a wall. also jonathan's actor as well hes SO GOOD i was geniunly worried about jonathan not sending me voicemails into my phone i was THAT endeared to him

besides that PLAY IT BY EAR the musical improv show by dropout is also a obsession of mine i cannot with their talent. the MUSIC so good i want to play it all the bloody time . i am in absolute awe in the performers ability to create a story and TIE IT ALL TOGHETER SO WELL like every piece of information is used whether you expect it or not . DN THE BAND OH GOD I DONT KNOW HOW THEY SO IT THE MUSIC IS SO FUN AND CREATIVE AND FITS THE MOOD AND MADE UP ON THE SPOT???!!! HOW I DONT KNOW (if u ask me who my favourite guest star is at the moment its ross byant hes an absolute delight whenever he is on a d20 show- the improvised shakespear episode blew my mind)

anway THIS SI LONGGGGGGGG soz

no pressure tags: @filmloser04 @mistichallow @charlies-a-thief

@literallymahir @quotidian-oblivion @monochrome-anomaly @suksiili @miseria-fortes-viros and anyone else that wants to join!!!! (you dont have to do a brain dump like me i always go overboard)

[sunshinesrealfeelings]

June 12, 2024

I am going crazy again, I keep letting the phone ring and leaving Jules on read. It is like I want him to break up with me, of course I don't want that but i don't know why i keep doing this. Its like i know what i have and how lucky i am but i cant stop myself from messing it all up, maybe going over for 6 months was a bad idea i don't know how to be apart now but also i feel like I'm not in a relationship anymore, like it was all fake or something. Its like i am incapable of feeling anything unless Jules is here with me, I keep making up fights in my head like who in their right mind does that. I feel that I am hurting him and i feel like shit about that. I cannot talk about this with anyone because no one understands and what if i say something and no one gets it like is it normal to feel like your 4 year relationship doesn't feel like a real thing. i fear that I'm alone in my thoughts and I'm sorry but i cannot even talk to jules cause what if he takes it the wrong way and he feels bad. Oregon kind of sucked, the public transportation was cool but people are so weird like why are you being racist to me right now and why doesn't anyone smile anymore and WHY is everything so expensive!! i don't think ill be getting much sleep tonight, Samantha gets here in 1 day and I'm excited to get some bonding time in with her. ELIZABETH ALMOST DIED wtf, Em is gonna go to sam houston without me, i finally graduated san jac and im gonna be a cougar yay! if me and jules are still together in a year he will hopefully be moving down here, I hope someone reads these and thinks they are entertaining if not then this all some very sad attempt to keep a diary. I am also very close to being broke :(

[aamethyst000]

Another Late night May 5,24 - 3:07am

Even when i take my meds, i cant seem to sleep. so i think i may need those melatonin stuff, i think ill take them in gummy form. now that i have emulators downloaded, i think that is what ill use up my time for. Especially if i cant sleep. Change of subject, since i havent worked for a whole ass year now, i am just going to start looking for a job. at least, what i can do here in this small(ish) village (i say "ish" because, as ive been told on may occasions, we arent exactly "small" we have about 4200 and more while the other villages has way less than that). there isnt much to do, and i want to save up money to move and possibly visit my older brother who lives down south. since ive been planning this for years, i have been getting better at saving up my money. so far, the method i have been using is working now. i got less than i have hoped but it is way better than nothing (i definitely would have cried about having no savings). im just so worried about never having enough. since prices have gone up, it has been making me very hesitant about moving anywhere. owning is too expensive, renting is way out of my limit, even with one other roommate. it got to the point where i added another person to my personal plan to move down south. I dont mind it, since its my best friend. but i also have plans to move in with my brother too. whoc was my original plan; find an appartment and move in with him.

then, after my little brother graduates, he and i can save up and have him move in with us! i want that more than anything. Before this whole ordeal. i wanted to move in with my 2(two) childhood best friends. then shit happens in our own life, individually that is, like, it got so bad that we drifted apart and it is not even our own fault (or am i just making an excuse for us?). It sucks, but what can i do? one lives in the same village as i do and i hardly go to see her, the other lives in town and she, herself, doesnt go see anyone othere than her immediate family. shit got crazy during our teen years man, it isnt even funny.

anyway, i figured, since i cant fall asleep, il just use this time to rant/vent about whatever was on my mind. and it seems to be on the past, im trying to let that go but i cant, or rather, i dont want to. cause as much as i hated being that young and naive, and those shit happening to us and around us. there were good moments that over ride the bad in my life, and i am desperately clinging on to that hope and happiness i had before turning 13-14. and that is way too young to be left undiagnosed and depressed.

but who would believe a teenager actually being depressed? we were "attention seekers" and "trend follower" (to be very fair though, i really did try to follow a lot of trends in my life) there was even a moment where i went to this little convention event thingy that was going on in my village, and it was about suicide prevention. so, i decided to go, because if i wasnt going to get help from my own family, i may as well get it from somewhere else (i really was trying so hard to activly not look for bad habits to start on, one of them was already developing without me knowing or realizing...so). when i got there, and we got into a circle to introducing ourselves, open up and talk. the instructor said to talk about why some of us choose to go to that event, so when it was my turn. i talked about how i--

((((by the way, very strong TRIGGER WARNING!!!! talks about suicide attempt and possible eating disorder))))

--was feeling so alone and just so very lost and caged up because of my ex boyfriend, i sat there on my bed with scissors i grabbed from the kitchen and just stared at my arm. i didnt message anyone, or even write a letter. i just wanted out. i opened the scissors enough to make it easy to hurt myself, that part alone i was trying to figure out how i should do it. that thought did scare me at the time but it does now, holy shit. anyway, i made the decision and then, like a movie theatre, memories of both my brothers played in my head, their smiles and laughter loud and clear for me. like someone was there just waiting for the right moment to show me them, who ever they were, im glad and thankful. because at the very lowest moment of my life, i was already struggling with my eating habits. there was no inbetween for me. i either ate a lot, enough to be "teased" about looking or "being preggo" which is sick by the way when your teasing a literal MINOR (12 through 17) about being pregnant. like, why would you even do that? anyway, it wasnt my family that unintentionally helped me develop those bad eating habits. it was my friends and me comparing myself to every girl and characters out there.

i didnt care that it was a bad thing to get into at the time, to me, i was surrounded by girls that were skinnier than me, or, who i thought were skinnier than me. ive seen photos that my family and friends took of me, i cannot believe that i ever thought i was ever fat, ever, but i guess thats what low self esteem and bad comparisons does to you. i mustve been looking through foggy mirrors how dysphoric(???) i fucking felt. it was so bad that most days i choose to either have one meal or throw that plate away in my own garbage bag and just have a toast for my first "meal". i didnt care about the calories i was eating up, or lack therof, like raw ichiban, dry cereal, or just popcorn, and on "good days" i let myself have pop and chips with my first meal which is usually dinner time. it made a bigger effect on me when my little brothers dad decided to act like a total bitch and not get any proper groceries and just get chicken nuggets, ichiban, cereal, hot dogs, milk, and rice.

so, i forgot to mention, but i was 16 when all of this was overwhelming me and when i nearly took my own life. i didnt tell this story as detailed as i did while in the circle, but as soon as i finished, feeling (while it was very short lived) lighter after i told my reasoning, you know what i heard? on my right, this elder lady: *snickers* "im sorry, i didnt mean to laugh, but i think that was cute. that was all?" i didnt hear the rest because i was ready to cry again. how can you say that? i shut down for the rest of my time there. i dont remember how long that event went, but i knew from there on, not to ever open up here in the village. ever. mind you, there were other servivors who talked about their own stories in their own ways but why was i laughed at? How in the ever loving fuck is what i almost did "cute"? how was my story not made a big deal just like the others? i wish i knew but that fucking hurt like hell.

((((END of TRIGGER WARNING))))

wow. i did not think that this would be a big post (journal entry) but here we are. im not going to lie, im still feeling iffy about posting this. or if i want to delete that whole section and just say " id rather not go into detail about my...." idk what else to call it other than my lowest point. i dont know what else to write about so i am going to get ready for bed and see if i can fall asleep after having a toke. cause right now, it is currently 4:16am and i want to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight, or at least try to. hopefully i feel better after writing this out and sleeping on this. we shall see tomorrow.

good night.

[whatsnothappening]

stopped my last entry bc i didnt really have much to say but heres whats up

So, here i am yet again... up in the middle of the night sharing my thoughts. i kind of find it funny that i write these in a sense that someones reading them or that i am actually talking to someone. i guess i could say that im talking to myself. best conversation you can have is a conversation with yourself, right? anywho, im going to start off with some positives that have happened recently... My dad has actually started reaching out to me! i dont remember if i have mentioned anything about what has been going on with me and him recently but it has been tense. it really isn't his fault though. it is mainly his girlfriends/my stepmother. So i will start by saying that i understand her issues but i think she is taking things way out of proportion and she also needs to handle her drama with him, her self and not bring me into it. he is my father, she is now technically my step mother. i am not her gal pal and my dad is not just a friend. although they both act as such, they arnt. So i shouldn't be involved in their relationship as much as she sucks me in. im going to keep a long ass story short, maybe ill rant on about it if i feel the need to in another entry but not now, i have other things to address haha. but my father has a history with drug and alcohol abuse. he has come an extremely long way and has made so many strides, i am always quick to say that i am so proud to have him as my dad. which is all very true. he is an amazing man and a wonderful father. but he is human... everyone digs their own trenches at some point in their life whether it involves substance abuse or not. everyone digs their own. what makes you an amazing individual is if you can get yourself out. granit, my father did have a lot of help from my mom. but you have to also give credit to him for accepting the help. i have seen many people who need help and are offered it and completely ignore the help until it is too late or everyone has given up. if you are given help and you see an opportunity for a way out or a way to grow then take it. you are not higher than anyone else, and getting help does not make you lower than anyone else. keep that in mind. (im saying that to myself as well..) but anyways i am 100% rambling and making what i wanted to be a short story a long story. he dealt with substance abuse and over came it. years go by he moves out i graduate highschool and he meets a British lady. she's wonderful. very earthy. very family oriented. but also extremely posh and stand offish all at the same time. she wonderful but odd. i do love her though. but so they have been together for quite some time, they might as well be married by now. rewind back to last year a day before christmas eve. she texts me explaining that my dads drinking has gotten horrible and that he is verbally violent and horrible to live with. i immediately text back saying that im on my way and i am going to set him straight. she tells me not to come by and that it will just start a fight. i tell her that she needs to tell me what to do because i cant just get a text about my father going backwards in his years of progress and growth and not do anything about it. we text back and forth a little bit i calm myself down and move on. now it is christmas day. the first house me and my husband need to head to is my fathers. i am nervous. i keep telling my husband that we can skip my dads this year and just spend time with his family. he insists on going and keeps telling me that i will regret it. well no. i regret going. i spent the entire christmas crying,. i was uncomfortable and emotionally beat. i felt i couldn't have fun with my dad and enjoy family with him and my plus one family. i was jealous of her daughters. im sure none of them knew the information i was given days before and are just able to enjoy christmas happily and stress free. not me. i sat upset. kept making runs to the bathroom so i could cry and get it all out so i could put on a face for the next few hours. fast forward to new years. continued-

[stanharu]

beastars episode 24 thoughts!

this post got kinda long i have Many Thoughts on this one

Overall I had fun watching this ep but I could really tell it was rushed and there was so much that got cut, which makes me super sad. our fears about the finale having pacing issues due to all the added scenes & rearranging were confirmed & it rly sucks, but i'll elaborate more on that in a bit.

this week's ep covered the end of chapter 92, chapters 93-97, and included small bits of chapters 98 & 99.

so the ep starts with the ED and the latter part of the tunnel scene with ibuki and louis. i liked the visual effect they used to show that they were in the dark. louis' voice acting was also On Point. for the most part i think this scene was done pretty well but I can tell it's being rushed also. I really wish we got more buildup and narration instead of just jumping straight to ibuki telling louis to shoot him. the way it is in the anime feels less impactful imo.

also im sad we didnt get to see this in the anime

before i move on, i wanna talk a bit about louis and his relationship w/ the shishigumi and ibuki. i feel like in the anime quite a few of the lil moments that really endear you to the shishigumi and also ibuki were either cut or kinda glossed over, which is strange to me considering how much effort and care went into the ED. it's very emotional and good but i feel like maybe anime onlies are missing out only seeing the anime and the MV. but idk.

legosi and riz's fight was quite rushed as well. there's so much narration and dialogue missing from it and that really rubs me the wrong way. It wasn't all bad but compared to the manga I just don't think it's as good. I will say tho that I really liked the sequence w legosi and the moths. I thought it looked really nice and was pretty well done.

also i liked how the backgrounds had some anti-yahya graffiti, its a nice touch imo

it says "high quality horse meat"

I was happy to see legosi do the "tell me more" pose but I'm honestly disappointed that the anime took out the whole exposition about why legosi did it. like i feel like without that it's just legosi being weird when he has a reason for it!!! This is just one example of the anime taking out crucial narration during the fight.

I also think it's kinda weird how they changed how louis shows up at the fight. im not sure how i feel about riz just charging at him like that, but i liked how legosi kicked him before they ran lol.

i dont have much to say about pina's small scene but I did wanna say that during my first watch thru of the ep i was too distracted trying to read the graffiti behind him that i didn't notice him getting his phone out of the dumpster and calling the cops lmao

it says "devour yahya"

and now... here we are... the predation scene.

overall i thought it was pretty well done but, like the rest of the ep, i could tell it was also being kinda rushed. some important beats werent given enough time to really sink in, and there's a few bits of narration taken out of this part as well that i find disappointing :^(

tho i did like how the anime called back to this scene in s1 when legosi mentions utilizing his strength.

also this part where louis is remembering ibuki had me like😭

I also really liked seeing louis cry. I was crying too sjdflskjdflsjkdf. i thought that scene was really good, its prolly my favorite part of the ep tbh. getting to hear the whole predation scene voiced made me kind of a mess lol. i really liked louis' expressions throughout this whole ep too. studio orange used their whole louis expression budget on these last 2 eps lmao.

seeing legosi instantly get all beefed up was great too. he looked a little ridiculous but i kinda loved it lol. he's so huge and poofy. i love him.

big pomeranian

anyway, im also sad they took out louis' line about being reduced to a flashback character lol. instead he tells legosi "be a hero" again which... im not sure about that change. i liked the part with riz thinking back about tem tho. tho imo the way riz realizes he's in the wrong feels pretty sudden. again adding to how rushed the whole ep feels.

before i move on again i just wanna say legosi looks so cute. even all puffed up and covered in blood. how does he do that

baby boy baby. i wanna ruffle his cheek floofs.

i think one of the things im most disappointed about from this whole ep was how the fight got wrapped up. i really like how the cops show up and totally shift the tone in the manga jslkdfjskljdf. im also really sad we didnt get this interaction

tthe anime really took out most of the sillier moments from the finale, which makes me pretty sad to think about. i know the anime and manga have different tones but pls let the boys be silly sometimes!!

the next part where legosi and louis finally establish their friendship was really cute tho ❤️ even tho it was pretty different i enjoyed it a lot.

BABIESSSS 🥺😭❤️❤️

the wrap-up for this arc and this episode gave me whiplash sdjlfkjsdf. it literally speedruns thru legosi's predation conviction, being released, louis & haru's graduation, and legosi deciding he's going to drop out of school. that is SO MUCH AT ONCE. also i was holding out hope that legosi would have his new years call with haru after the fight instead but that didnt happen!! so it just got cut!!! kinda mad about that tbh. legosi and haru having a lil scene at the very end made up for it a lil bit but that's still one of haru's few moments in this arc that's just not included.

we didnt even get the part wher legosi learns he can't marry haru bc of his conviction.

ive been really hoping for a season 3 announcement once this season ended. with all the background allusions to yahya, the added plot point of someone stealing elephant tusks, and sebun and melon's lil cameos in this season, it seemed to me that studio orange was kinda teasing a 3rd season. but now, with the dismissive way the anime ended, and paru's note from earlier today, im less sure about the possibility of a 3rd season. i'd still like to see the rest of the series animated, but i guess we'll just have to wait and see if more anime is announced in the future.

if we do get another season in the future i just hope that we swing back around and actually address the things that got completely glossed over in the last couple minutes of this episode instead of charging forward w/o touching them again.

i really think the finale for this arc should've been two episodes at least. not including the tunnel scene. i think then things wouldn't have felt so rushed. people have been saying this season really would have benefitted from at least 1 extra episode and i cant help but agree. some have even suggested a whole 24 episodes just for this arc, but i think that this arc couldve been done properly with 12 or 13 episodes if there was some better prioritizing on what to include and what to cut.

like i dont mind not getting the parts about legosi's family if they can be addressed somehow in a future season (or if theres no more future anime seasons thats a plot thread that doesnt have to be worried about). i could have lived w/o seeing sheila & peach's chapter animated if it meant more time for the focus of this arc. and was the kangaroo red herring really necessary?

adaptation wise, i dont think this season was as good as the first. i still think it did fairly well, but i know that it could have been much better. ive been excited to watch this season with my friends once the dub releases, but now im wondering if i should just tell them to read the manga instead. sighs idk. perhaps it comes thru better as a bingewatch, or perhaps im being a bit too harsh. idk. at some point ill do a rewatch and see how i feel about the season as a whole, but that wont be for a while.

if you've read this far, thanks for reading my ramblings!! it's been fun to make these posts every week and im gonna miss getting new episodes every week.

[slfcare]

hi!! i hope you're well!! i believe i need ur advice or just someone to talk to. i am not a genius or an easily smart student but ive always gotten decent grades through really rigorous studying. im a slow learner, i need videos and my attention span is really flighty so i really prefer discussions and sometimes i get too sad to do work until someone pushes me to. now that classes happen online and i am at home, it feels like things have gotten more difficult. i have to deal with house chores. im the oldest sibling in our family & i do not really have the heart to ask my siblings to help me because i can see they are struggling with their classes. but it's also taking a toll on me. i have no time to do my class work, i feel like my mental health is deteriorating (if u must know, last year i got caught in my s*icide attempt and i was about to be brought to a professional but the pandemic happened and mental healthcare in my country isn't really a thing and i am honestly terrified of being "branded" or being named an illness. tbh i have nothing against mental illness, it's just the way my parents sees it and it sucks to be viewed as someone incapable or weird by my family. so i actually prefer not seeing any professionals.) and i feel so alone! i am repeating my last year of highschool in a new school and i know no one!! my friends had moved on to college and here i am, still in hs with no friends. i don't really know how to make friends online, i always feel anxious with private messaging, and i am scared they might know i was the one who tried to attempt her life. news is fast with things like that.

it feels lonely and frustrating doing and squeezing things alone and without anyone to help. i can't answer anything because i genuinely want to learn and understand and i do not understand anything!! i cant ask for help from my family because they too are busy and i do not want to intrude. and, as for my mental health and them— i feel they do not understand and i give up talking to them about it. and i did try to ask my parents for help once (about school not my mh) but they said i could just copy off this kid we're good acquaintances with. they say it doesn't matter if i understand it because it's all useless in the future but i want to understand it so much!! i dont want to just copy answers!!!

anyways, it would have been a bit better if my school did stuff like video classes but no, they just send in documents with so much pages for us to answer and submit through emails by the end of the week. now, ive earned quite a stack of untouched school work since the last week of october to this week. it's terrible, but i just lost all will to study. i feel so busy busy busy with the house and trying to keep my mental health in check. i am so desperate to just graduate and get it over with but i feel so hopeless about it! i don't know what to do!! i don't know how to fix up a routine! i just don't know!! maybe i just need to find a way to lighten up the load?? enjoy what im doing? (im so sorry for dumping all this to you, ive just never really talked about it and it honestly feel like too much on me)

Hey there angel,

I completely understand the weight you feel considering your current circumstances. School is obviously very different to what we’re all used to and adjusted to, so this major change is bound to have major consequences for everybody.

It makes complete sense for you to feel like you have a million responsibilities and feeling alone in that, but keeping that to yourself (however noble the cause) will perpetuate that loneliness. You’re very kind to not want to bother you siblings on top of the pressure you know they’re experiencing, but this workload shouldn’t just be yours, and dividing it will give everyone a bit to do instead of you having to do everything. At the end of the day, you’re struggling because this is too  much for you. You’re not just feeling like it’s too much, but it actually is, and that’s okay. You don’t have to be everything for everyone at the same time and nobody will be disappointed or hurt or mad if you express that you need help.

Be more vocal, ask for help with chores, email your teachers or guidance counselor or both, and please don’t carry this on your own. That’s not what humans are made for.

I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for and I wish you happy, stress-free holidays.

[lunavadash-creates]

Have I ever told you that you are the sweetest cupcake ever?❤️ It’s impossible to not smile at your posts! I sincerely thank you for all your sympathy towards me! My heart just melts! It’s so rare to find such a pure and kind soul like you. Please, don’t change. Ever.

You made me worried a bit with your last paragraph - maybe I am oversensitive, but I am really worried. It breaks my heart honestly, I feel like you belittle yourself. Babe, you are wonderful! I am not saying this just for you to feel better, but because you REALLY are. Think for a moment about things you’ve already achieved! Darling, you graduated! It’s really something. It is even more something when you study two different majors at the same time and study in language school at weekends. It’s real hardcore! I am proud of you. SO FREAKING MUCH! You did so well and you did so much! Please, be aware of it. You are incredibly talented and creative. YOU are hard working, not me. And you know what? Please, have a proper rest. Don’t overwork yourself anymore. You have to have some space just for you. You have to rest and regain your balance. Don’t think about writing as your duty. I know you feel responsible for all requests you have. But they really won’t run away or disappear. They all will be waiting to be written when you rest. Don’t pressure yourself, I beg you. You know I love your writing. We all here love it. But we love you even more. Taking a break it’s not bad. It’s necessary. When you rest you will be able to concentrate, you will have a fresh mind and new ideas. Just remember that you are a priority.

Speaking of your visit to Prague. OMG, THIS ASTRONOMICAL CLOCK!! I envy you soooooo much! I wish I could see it by myself someday! Thank you so much for the photo! And geez, you are the very first person admitting that museums are wonderful! No one amongst my friends likes them and it hurts so much, because I couldn’t go to the Uffizi museum and Palazzo Vecchio in Florence. I would love to go to any museum with you then! Museum of sex toys sounds really interesting, mostly because it’s not about modern toys. Like, I would never thought that people could have such rich sex life! I heard that in Amsterdam and Paris there are similar museums. But! I bet you would love icelandic museum of punk. Ohh, I am pretty sure you would enjoy it! It’s really small, because well..Its former public toilet. Buuuut, if you like non-obvious museums this is definitely for you. Whale museum was also pretty good. Or I enjoyed it just because I love whales. I was also in a museum of teddy bears in Seoul and it was the cutest museum I have ever been in! Tell me more about that vegan restaurant! What good did you eat? I am not vege myself, but I avoid eating meat on a daily basis so it’s easy to make me excited with such things!

I am not sure if I am better. I mean, I changed my mind about being able to sleep all day. I am not able to sleep at all at the moment. I am tired and my eyelids are so heavy, but sleep never comes. I guess insomnia hits again, it's a never-ending circle. But I am concerned about your leg! I guess you had spoken with doctor since you got xray and usg. Did they say anything? Any ideas of what it could possibly be? It has to be something serious if you have problems with walking! How did you manage to go sightseeing in Prague? Babe, please, take care of yourself! And what does “health problem AGAIN” mean?! Have you had such a problem before?? It scares me like.. we just started adulthood? My friend sneezed and it made him lay in bed for 6 days not being able to move. Literally.

Yeah, I was in South Korea, but please, do not perceive me as your role model. Gods, it would be a terrible decision, really. But, I would love to share some stories with you if you want! I know it's a popular destination these days because of kpop. I used to listen to it, but I think a few years ago kpop was better? More interesting? Now I’m more into khh, but I think I can’t say that I’m into it anymore.

Talking about music! I discovered two new songs and I bet you know them already, but for me it was huge woah woah woah! First of it - Sabaton. Thay covered Metallica’s For Whom The Bell Tolls and they did it so good! Secondly - The Heart Asks Pleasure First. They basically made their own song based on one of my favourite piano songs. Oh my.. it’s sooo good!

And still talking about music! I just wanted to say that I also love our Wombo edits! That one with Ezio singing Stressed out was perfect! Mr Auditore looked very believably singing it. I liked the one with Edward and Haytham. I don’t know the song but it had such a christmas vibe! It made me think of Edward and Shay singing Last Christmas or some other shitty Christmas song together. Why them? No idea. I love Altair, but your latest headcanons could make me love them even more.

And! I just wanted to tell you that you inspired me to take japanese lessons on Duolingo. I am aware that such app won’t help me with learning such a language, but at least I can tell you that katakana sucks. Gods, I hate it so much. Hiragana is so pleasurable to learn. And I know katakana is visually similar, but it is a no no from me. I have learnt some basic kanji signs. And I just admire you so much more.

I hope you will have wonderful and peaceful week, Babe! Once again, please take care of yourself. Remember to have proper rest, sleep at least 8 hours and drink water! I hope your leg will be better soon!

🔪

Hey Knifey! I finally have the right mind set to respond to this ask!

So first of all thank you. You always make me blush with your kind words and I have no idea how to react! I want to squeaze you in a hug and give you all the sweets in the world!

As for the rest. You see i have always worked to hard on studying, so hard it actually burned out everything inside so now all i want to do i nothing! But i cant, i really want to go back to spending my free time in more creative way!

Omg Knifey! Finally i met a museum lover! And gods i want to visit them all! And you know? That Icelandinc museum sounds like such a goal, i want to go there 🥺 and Seoul museum of teddy bears?! I want to go there!

Honestly I love all museums and generally history. I enjoy visiting ruins of castles and villages, going to museums of everything! Art, machines, objects! There are always so many things and so many different ways to find the inspiration! And I always take so many photos for 'future references'. Some time ago i was in a gardens which showed different time of gardens of the world and there was this amazing exhibition of demons from Slavic mithology. That was so awesome! As well as Japanese garden!

In began restaurant i have this fried soy bites in some sweet-spicy sauce. So tasty! Im trying to recreate this recipe but so far its 1:0 for the soy :/

As for my leg. Its swollen AF bht i just... Put on my shoe and pretended it didnt exist. I can walk in good shoes but still im worried. As for that little again... I generally have some weird health issues. I had 5 surgeries for different stuff (spine, tumor, nose) so like... Generally i am healthy... Or at least i was until thst damned foot decided to show off. Its been 4 weeks and im still looking for a solution, running different tests and all. Hopefully they will figure out whag is going on.

Yes TELL ME ALL THE STORIES ABOUT KOREA.! I love stories, tell me everything!

Tbh i never listen ed to k-pop. I guess its just nkt my type of music but I enjoy some Japanese and Chinese songs (one i like is Arrogant by Xiao Zhang). I know songs you sent me and gods they are amazing! I love sabaton, rock/metal im general but I listen to all kind of music. Like Italian soundtrack from Winx, music from burlesque, Dragonforce, shanties. If there are k-pop songs you like you can always send then to me! Ill gladly listen to them all!

Im glad you like those wombos i guess i should make more! 😂😂

And gods. Katakana. 4 years of learning Japanese and I still need katakana board to remember those signs! And tbh i feel like Japanese duolingo has some mistakes ;/ but for Japanese i used lingodeer app and it was nice!

Knifey Im very sorry you have troubles sleeping. Is there something you can do to make it easier for you? Maybe you can take some melatonin pills? Maybe you are stressed? Can you maybe contact doctor, maybe they can help? I dont want anything bad to happen to you! Please take care of yourself? Pretty please?

Love you so much Knifey, you are such a sunshine and I just want you to be happy and healthy!

[honeybeewriter]

Angel in disguise

Chapter 1: Settling in 

AN: The first few chapters will take place before the USJ attack, so the dorms aren’t implement yet. i hope yall enjoy chapter one of aid. feel free to talk to me about it too!!

—————-

Passing buildings and roaring cars filled you with excitement, your heart racing as you daydreamed of your classes and what its like on campus. Kyoka taps your shoulder lightly, careful not to startle you out of your thoughts. You turn to your now host sister “yes Kyoka?” You tilted your head in curiosity 

“Are you excited?” Her voice soft as she tucks a strand of loose hair behind her ear, her onyx eyes looking over your expression. 

“Very!! I cant wait to see my class and get to know everyone! It sucks that we aren't in the same class.” You voice cheerful but it wavers at the end. You really hope to have at least one class with her, you might be excited but a familiar face would be nice to have.

A gentle chuckle from the front seat from mika as she turned around “remember (y/n) there are other classes besides hero and support, so im sure youll have a class together. So don't worry too much dear.” 

“Hopefully, someone to hang out with other than the boys!” Kyoka groaned as she rubs her face as her phone chimed 

“The boys?” You questioned but before she could answer, the car was pulled to a stop, ‘home already?!’ Your thoughts echoed as you mindlessly unbuckle your seatbelt. The home in front of you wasn't huge but it was perfect in your eyes 

“Kyotoku! Help me out with (y/n) things!” 

You didn't even realize that you were the last one still in the vehicle, as you step out of the car you turn to the back end of the car, watching mika and kyotoku pull your luggage from the trunk. The sticker covered bags rolling against the ground, passing you “hey kiddo? You off in dream land?” Kyotoku waved a hand with a chuckle, placing his hand on your hair “come on we are gonna rockin time!!” 

Mika unlocks the door, guiding the family inside. As you enter the scent of lilac hits your nose it’s calming, once again your spaced out as you take in your new home until graduation. 

The exchange program was a long term deal between schools, a support hero for a support hero. You have a wonderful talent of inventing new tech for the pros! Its just you lack the confidence boost you desperately need, hopefully this is it. 

Kyoka placed a gloved hand on your shoulder as she nods to her parents “come on, we will show you to your room” you both begin to walk “i know its like 5am but we have to be at school by 8am, so try to sneak in some sleep.” She nudged you playfully as the four of you reached the room. 

Blank cream walls with hardwood floors decorated with a full size bed in the middle in front of a window. “Feel free to go all out in this room, it is yours after all. Make yourself at home kiddo” Kyotoku ruffles your hair as he exits the room after setting the luggage down. Mika smiled a motherly smile towards you “Get some rest before school” simple yet warmly mika said as she exits the room to join her husband in the other room 

“I'll wake you up 30 minutes before we leave, sleep well” Kyoka yawned as she sat down the last item of yours and left the room to go sleep in her own bed. 

Your body, exhausted from the long trip, as soon as your head hits the pillow; your heavy eyelids shut and you drifted off into a blissful sleep.

At your old school you were one of the top support students, always making amazing support items. Always something new in the works, even when it blew up in your face you would alway huff, but your father would never let you bring yourself down. He always said, “Look angelwings, things wont improve if you sit and sulk, dont let failure scare you, okay? Let your failure be your inspiration to improve.” 

 Remembering it like it was yesterday when you made your first successful item for your medic mother, a medical clipin that could record a patient's vitals. That was what got you noticed by UA. The nursing industry suggested you to UA because they all believed you had a gift! So here you are, in japan, for the rest of the school life. 

Knock 

Knock 

Knock

“(y/n) its time to get up, we have to go if we want to catch the bus!” Kyoka called from the other side of the door. The cracks in the blinds allowed inkling of the morning golden rays to dribble in the room, filling it with warmth. 

Pushing yourself up from the short slumber made you groan as your host sister pushed the door open. “Rise and shine, i have your uniform, ill lay it on the bed. Mom has breakfast ready for us.. So um, just get ready and come down when your ready” she muttered softly as she laid the outfit down onto your bed. 

With heavy feathers you stretch your wings up and back, releasing any tension within the joints. Luckily the uniform has wing slits for you. You fought with the undershirt for a good minute, a victorious “AHAH!!” bounced off the walls of your room. Finally with you dressed the part you make your way downstairs. 

The smell of gohan, eggs and tsukemono filled your nose, Your feet moved faster than your stomach. “Good Morning sweetheart, I made a togo breakfast and alittle extra for lunch, since your money hasn’t transferred quite yet. But im sure kyoka wouldnt mind sharing lunch with you, right hun?” Mika hummed as she finished the bento box, handing both boxes to the two of you. Kyoka nods “Oh! Of course… it's the others i'm worried about..” She muttered as her earphone jacks poke together nervously.

Mika smiled, rolling her eyes softly as she ushered you both out the door “hurry up or you'll miss the bus to school.'' Kyoka takes both bentos, holding them as she leads you to the end of the street where the bus stop stood. 

“Okay, so before we get to school, you might run into some of my friends. I know at lunch you will meet them but just to name the main few. You have Yayo-momo, Uraraka, and mina for a few females.” The bus arrives and you both board, taking a seat together, bento boxes in the respectful lap. “Now for the boys, you have kaminari, kirishima, sero and bakugou. Watch out on bakugou. He is kinda a hot head.” You giggle at her statement acknowledging the information. “But you might not see everyone I just mentioned, due to you being in class 1-F.” With quiet nod silence fell between you and your sister. You watched the small countryside city skated by in a blurr.

After a short while, the bus came to a gentle stop at the UA entrance. Kyoka stood up, and you followed her motions holding on gentle to the back of her book bag. You were nervous and scared of the new school, as any new kid would. As you both exit the bus, Nezu stands on top of Power Loader’s helmet waving to you both . 

“Ah! Good Morning jiro and (L/n)!! I hope you had a wonderful flight! It's a pleasure to finally you! As you know i'm principal Nezu! And this man” he pats the metal hat with his paws “Is Power Loader! He will be your teacher from here on out!!” Power loader gave a sincere smile as and held out a sheet of paper “this is the school map, incase you ever get lost.” You smile as you take the paper from the teacher and giving it a once over before looking among the sea of kids outside. 

The echoes of laughter and talking rang in your ears, Kyoka smiled as a blonde male waved to to her excitedly amongst the small group of people he stood with: a spiky red hair boy, whose teeth were sharps like a sharks, a oil slick of black hair on a taller male of the group, a female whose skin was bubblegum pink with matching curly pink locks of hair and finally standing next to the yellow haired male was another blonde

Time seemed to stand still, the leaves stopped in time, freezing in mid air. A breath caught in your throat as a set of deep cherry red orbs locked to your brilliantly warm (e/c). It was like a rush of emotions had hit you in the chest like a baseball that had been hit in a homerun. You looked on as kyoka left your side to join the small group. It was like the world was white and the only thing you saw was the blonde male. The feathers in your wings ruffled out trying to cool yourself down from this new found heat, that wasn't the sun. Soon the unknowing staring contest was cut short.

“(L/N) are you ready to get your day started?” Power loader asked, waving a hand in front of your face, snapping you from your gaze. “Um, Y-yeah” you stumbled your words and tried to look again for the male. But he was nowhere to be seen in the flood of kids entering the school. 

Who was that male? Why are his eyes so beautiful? Maybe you will see him again. Kyoka did run to his group. NO no distractions!!

[edge-lorde]

hp update: its been a long time, boys. ud think that with this plague outbreak id have more time for shitty phone games, and ud be right! however, the time i normally might use to make tumblr posts has been taken up by reading lotr orc fanfiction non-stop for at least 1 full month. id still be in the thick of that obsession even now if only the fics would update. that is how i find you today folks, for the first time in many weeks i am staring at a screen with nothing to do. so come with me friends, theres no better way to fill the soulless void we are all in than reading a nice long tumbler post. 

disclaimer, first of all, a lot has happened, i prefer to keep these updates as plot spoiler free as possible but do to extenuating circumstances i feel like it is necessary to say, [SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER BELOW]

that rowan fucking died,

i wont say exactly how, but i will say that her death was animated as were animations of myself and a few others reacting to our friend fresh corpse. obviously meant to be serious moments but the animations made it seem almost comical. 

i saw at least one post going around right after this update that was like ‘how could the game devs do this to us..... how could they hate rowan so.... this is punishment from on high’ and its like.... u guys do know what a story is right? the events of  a story are not typically done to punish less faithful fans, im pretty sure they were planning to kill rowan off from the beginning. this isnt disney im pretty sure the writers are not writing each chapter the night before its released by popular vote. 

that little “are we drifting away..?” scene with rowan makes more sense now. there was a bit in one of the scenes where the kids all reminisce on rowans life and the mc talks about it being the last real one on one time they had with rowan. a nice bitter sweet moment. i dont hate this turn of events. its a good reminder that actions have consequences and we are way past they days of “should i wear a hat or scarf?” its YA time now. 

i did manage to take 1 screenshot from this time, i had commented that before that when rowan said she didnt have many friedns that barnaby seemed to be hanging out with her without be there as a friend buffer and here was his reaction to her death:

;_;

the funniest part in all of this however, was of course cedericks reaction to rowans death “but she was so young....” LOL fuckin RIP.

lets see... what else.... i forget a lot of what happened but i think there was a time sensitive quidditch event in there somewhere? if so i  dont remember it. what i do remember of the quidditch pals is that im gonna play beater now, skye is being weird and cagey about it, andre is involved.... the others are there.....

sidenote, i love the shitty b characters they throw in to be like yes you know this person but no they are not cool enough for u to even think about befriending. the first one of those is face paint kid, and now we have another, who is a former beater girl with horrible bangs named bean who didnt go to any classes for a whole season so she could just play ball 24/7 and got kicked off the team.  this is a character who only exists to provide an explanation as to why there would be a beater position open but i love them on principle. 

right now im in the midst of another time sensitive event, this one is a bother-your-brother-at-work-day event where recent hogwarts graduate bill weasley is bullied by myself and his younger brother charlie into letting us go with him on one of his curse breaking jobs. 

so for those unfamiliar, bill works for the magical bank of england.... and his job seems to be “retrieving treasure” for said bank. in the books, there is a bit where he takes his family on one of his trips to egypt, where his job seemed to have been tomb plundering indiana jones style for the posterity of the english bank :X. i wont explain here why thats bad but its bad. 

the game devs however in this instance, at least SEEM to be doing what jkr couldnt do by attempting to salvage what is left of gringotts bank and form it into not a super shitty implications factory run by horrible jewish caricatures. bills mission is to retrieve a goblin made artifact that was taken by dragons, so no going to foreign countries to steal things from other people! only going to a dragon reserve to rifle through animal nests. they even appear to be providing us with a likable goblin character, egad!  

my hope for this event is that we get a plotline about how maybe, goblins arent shifty human haters for no reason, and in fact they hate magic humans for very understandable reasons, like being forced to go into hiding with the rest of the magical world even though only the humans wanted to do that, and maybe despite running the bank in england they still dont have a lot of political sway in the world of wizards and witches, and have to rely on the faith that said wizards and witches wont fuck them over at every turn, even as they see how they treat other non-humans, such as house elves, which they desperately dont want to end up like. and maybe they DONT only care about gold... maybe thats a human stereotype based on the fact that theres a long history of humans not respecting goblin ownership customs.... which i could get into..... but i wont.... i just....... very badly dont want them to suck ;__________;

i know i said its ok to still like a piece of media as long as you recognize the problems with it, and i do, but once this game is done im gonna stop hp posting all together. ive been feeling more and more uncomfortable making these posts lately.  

GENERAL GAME NOTES; theres been some new layout changes and such. 

most notably the stairs screen has been changed from a bulleted list of all locations to a screen with tiles picturing an image of each location along with the name + icons of all classes at each place. there is one additional location that is new and yet to be unlocked, and the dragon reservation is appearing temporarily as its own tile as well. i prefer this method of getting in and out of a temporary location to how they did it with car during the last christmas special. the stairs icon also now stays in the corner when you scroll through locations, allowing you to open the stairs menu without scrolling all the way back to the left. 

they also moved a few of the buttons down into the lower left corner rather than the left side & combined the story button and sidequest button. they added a little camera button as well, just like in the dormitory, that makes all the icons in a location disappear and look better for screenshots. 

the daily special add offer thing now has its own button in the top right corner of the screen, and idk if i mentioned it before but now there are daily challenges that appear in the sidequest screen that offer small rewards for completing 3 tasks per day + a better one if u get all 3. the prizes are things like 4 energy, 75 coins, 3 monster food. the better rewards are usually either more coins, 8 energy, 3 gems, or 1 notebook. i think that it does all the different color notebooks but i cant remember for sure if i ever saw the gold one up as a reward. i like this addition in any case. if you dont pick up ur reward by the end of the day, the next time u log on it will force u to stop and accept them, and if one of the rewards is energy and ur energy bar is full, it does not seem to stack beyond the bar so watch out.

 the character stats page is now more zoomed out so you can see your full character instead of just from the waist up. no change to the leaderboard. rowans face in the friendship roster is now a still black and white image that says ur friend may be gone but friendship is forever u-u. 

rowan has been removed from all classes. in the classes where the minigames involved her, those minigames have passed the mantle onto other friends in the class. in potions that person is now liz helping u find stuff off the shelves and in tranfiguration that person is badeea. bless these girls for helping mc get through it. touched my heart. 

theres been a few fun little “i know u have more free time now so uhhhh have some energy” prizes like they do sometimes when they dont update on schedule so thats been nice. just a few days ago they gifted us 3 gold notebooks the same way. :O. 

theres also been a few instances of a energy happy hour where for a limited time energy takes less time to refresh. normally it takes 4 mins for 1 energy to do this but during happy hour its like 2:30 mins. :U its all very interesting.

and that will have to do it for tonight my friends, ill do a post for the dragon event when its done because i do like it so far and i do like getting to bully bill with charlie. 

until next time, remember.......

[lgbtyrus]

Two Exes on Mars

A Tyrus fic where they’re aged up + broken up :) It will have a ‘happily ever after’, I promise. Note: IDK if you know your Andi Mack lore, but just in case, Shadyside is in a fictional US state called Midwest.

Part 1/? (I’m thinking 3 or 4)

Words: 2,668

He kissed him goodbye. It wasn’t even rainy or cloudy outside, much less foggy. It was super bright and sunny, and Cyrus could hear every single bird in Shadyside chirping as his now ex-boyfriend walked out the front door of his house. He waited until TJ was out of his driveway to shut the door and break out in tears, pressing his forehead and fist against his door.

Why? he wondered. Why? Why? Why?

But he knew why. He knew why TJ had let him go in the worst breakup in the world. He had tried to a week ago which led to Cyrus breaking down in front of him and ended up with them back together. But the tension between them was so obviously, and it lead to TJ’s horrible mood swings and random outbursts he never apologized for. It made Cyrus feel like crap. Then in the middle of the week, TJ tried breaking up with him over text. Cyrus ignored it, and TJ went over to his house the next day like nothing had happened. Not even three days later, TJ came over to break up him a third time. For good.

That just happened two minutes ago, and Cyrus silently let him leave this time. He shouldn’t have ever let him see him cry.

“You have to go to California, Cyrus,” TJ had told him, his eyes red and his hands clenching into tight fists. All Cyrus could do was stare at the floor. It’s not everyday you get a chance to go to USC, but it also meant leaving everyone you loved behind- including TJ. Him and TJ had been together since the 8th grade, and he had included TJ in all of his future plans. For him, being in a long distance relationship was a possibility, and he never thought TJ would be against it.

“I want to go to MSU,” Cyrus shook his head, refusing to look at him. TJ was going to MSU on a basketball scholarship, and yeah, they had a theatre and screenwriting, but it wasn’t USC. It was one of the hardest choices Cyrus had to make.

“You’re clearly lying, Cyrus,” TJ let out a frustrated sigh, “I know when you’re lying.” It’s true, he did. His hands always instinctively went inside a pocket, and Cyrus has never been able to stop it. “Cyrus. I know I’m the main reason why you want to stay in Midwest, but I want you to go to USC. It’s what you want.”

“Does that mean we have to break up, though?” Cyrus asked him sadly, his voice quiet. TJ ran his fingers through his blonde hair and let out a deep breath.

“We’d be doing long distance for four years, Cyrus. I don’t want to hold you back from being at your prime if you’re moping around missing me the entire time.”

“Are you just saying this because you’re the one that’s not going to be fine?” There wasn’t even a pause.

“Yes, Cyrus!” TJ said loudly, startling Cyrus. “I can’t spend four years of my life being sad because I miss you all the time, but I also can’t live with the guilt I’m going to feel if you don’t go to USC. This entire situation is driving me insane, and I really think breaking up is the best way to go.”

“You honestly think that?” Cyrus frowned, looking right up at him. He didn’t want to break down like he did the first time. “You’re just giving up? Not even giving long distance a try. After five years, TJ?”

TJ shamefully looked away before saying, “I love you, Cyrus. But I think it’d hurt less to let you go.”

“How?” Cyrus’ voice started to tremble as he spoke in complete disbelief, “How can you even say you love me right now?” TJ didn’t say anything. He just slowly walking up to Cyrus, each step taking its own time before cupping his face in his hands and kissing him softly.

TJ pulled away, whispering, “Bye, Cyrus.”

Cyrus was now sitting on his bedroom floor, playing music louder than his occasional sob. Andi and Buffy were on their way, but until then, it was him, and a lone polaroid picture he had of him and TJ on their first Valentine’s Day together right in front of him. Him and TJ were sitting on one side of the booth at The Spoon while Marty and Buffy sat on the other side. TJ had his arms around him and was smiling in to his cheek, leaving a very fluttered Cyrus to be captured forever.

“Cyrus!” someone yelled out from downstairs. “We’re here.”

“Upstairs!” Cyrus yelled out, his voice slightly cracking. He hadn’t spoken since TJ left, and his throat hurt. He was glad he left the door unlocked for them because he didn’t have the energy to move.

Andi peaked her head through his bedroom door, frowning when she saw him, “Hi, Cyrus.”

“Hey,” Cyrus waved, “come in.” He hadn’t seen Andi in about three weeks was she was getting busy with her senior art project for SAVA. He loved her for being here during a busy time. Buffy trailed in behind Andi with two loaded grocery bags.

“We brought ice cream and pie,” Buffy held the bags up. “We stopped by your kitchen to get utensils.”

“Thank you because I was not going to move,” Cyrus said. Andi and Buffy sat down on each side of him and rested their heads on his shoulder.

“You can cry if you want,” Andi told him.

“Yeah,” Buffy agreed, “we bought three tissue boxes.”

“I’ve been crying for like an hour, and I’m just tired of it at this point. But this is also probably just the start,” Cyrus mumbled. “How am I supposed to accept that someone I talked to everyday for five years is leaving my life?”

“I know it hurts, Cyrus,” Buffy whispered. “But you’re stronger than you think. You’re going to get through this. Trust me. I’m always right.”

“I know you are,” Cyrus smiled slightly. “You know what sucks the most though?”

“What?” they asked in unison.

“We already have matching tuxedos from prom.” -

Cyrus and TJ showed up with new tuxedos to prom. Andi herself made Cyrus a brand new one. The according to different sources, both Cyrus and TJ had both begged Gus to cancel their Prom Court nomination. Gus thought it was funny until Buffy stepped in, and he got scared.

Cyrus and TJ didn’t sit together at lunch anymore or do homework together or visit the swing sets every Tuesday after TJ got out of tutoring. Cyrus submitted his paperwork to attend USC in the fall and according to Amber who was at Shadyside’s community college, TJ was going to go to MSU to play for their basketball team. Buffy and Marty would be seeing him at MSU seeing they got track scholarships.

Cyrus cried every night for the rest of the school year after finishing his homework because he worked to hard to have his GPA suffer over a boy who clearly didn’t care if he fell apart. He sometimes sat in the bathtub and let music fill his whole bathroom and no matter what, every single song would remind him of TJ. Of course, that was his fault for playing the playlists TJ had made him on Spotify. He wondered if he could see that he was listening to them. He hoped he did.

Cyrus didn’t have any communication with TJ since the last texts he sent him. It was a 2AM on a Saturday night, about three weeks since the breakup. He felt horrible and didn’t know how to stop crying. Even though Buffy had told him to call him whenever, he couldn’t keep dumping everything on her.

Cyrus: hey tj I hope im not waking u up idk if you still have your phone set so that u only get text alerts from me but I just wanted to say that I miss you.

Cyrus: I miss you so much tj idk what to do without you. Everything hurts all the time and I just want to talk to you and hear you voice even if we cant date anymore please talk to me. Please be my friend again tj we were best friends for 5 years we work so good together

Cyrus: I love you. I think that ill always be in love with you.

TJ: Goodnight Underdog.

Cyrus didn’t remember what time he went to sleep, but he felt like he cried for hours after that. The pain in his chest beat him up completely until he was too weak to flip his pillow to the dry side.

At their graduation, Cyrus gave a speech and then walked off stage to everyone in the auditorium clapping. It felt surreal. When he looked up smiling, out of all of the people he saw in the sea of graduates, he saw TJ clapping. He had his lip curled up in one corner which showed that he was on the verge of tears. That was the only time that night Cyrus wanted to cry.

-

A month into USC and without a doubt, Cyrus was homesick and probably depressed. He had made a great group of friends that were similar to him and super positive. He appreciated them, but 8 out of 10 times, they could never convince him to leave his room. He just stayed in and did homework and work on his script. It was about a man who gets his heart shattered and decided to move to Mars as part of a science experiment and when he’s already in space, he realize that his ex is one of the 100 people on board. Things quickly escalate. His friends loved the scripts and always asked to read updates, but he still sent snippets to Bex because he missed her.

It had been months since the breakup with TJ that happened late April. He should be over it now, he thought a lot of the time. But it still hurt. TJ really shot a hole in his heart and there was nothing he could do about it. He didn’t cry everyday like he used to. But every other few weeks, he snuck into the bathroom to cry so his roommate wouldn’t see. It was embarrassing to admit.

Cyrus kept things in a rotation. Script, class, eat, homework, sometimes friends, and sleep. It was hard to stay happy and to enjoy himself. It was hard to feel like he was living through something when he’s been dead inside for months. With Halloween coming up, he felt even worse. He’s never not had anyone to match costumes with. For five years, him and TJ did a couple’s costume and before that, him, Buffy, and Andi always had something up their sleeves. He missed all of them.

Then one day, his roommate let one of his friends into their dorm room. His roommate was part of his friend group, so there was that. Cyrus was working on his infamous script and didn’t even get a text that he was coming. Usually, he said no, though. “Hey, Rich,” Cyrus said as he walked in.

“Hey, Cy,” he said. “I was in the building and wanted to drop by.”

“Why’d you text Karson and not me?” Cyrus asked.  

“You always say no.”

“True. Anyways, what’s up?”

“We need one more person for our Halloween costume. It’s Full House. We need an Uncle Jesse. You in?”

“Yeah,” Cyrus grinned, “of course.”

-

“Damn,” his friend Bogie said. “That TJ foo fucked you up bad, huh?” All eight of them were sitting around a bonfire before Thanksgiving break. It had been a long night of confessions and telling each other things not a lot of other people knew. Somehow in the moment, Cyrus spent thirty minutes telling them the becoming and downfall of him and TJ. Rich had convinced him to go to therapy on campus early November, and Cyrus wished he had gone sooner. It was getting so much easier to be around his friends and have open conversations.

“Yeah,” Cyrus admitted. “I cried everyday for months. I still cry sometimes.”

“Is that why you spend forever in the bathroom?” Karson asked him. Cyrus nodded.

“Damn, Cy,” Roxana mumbled, “no wonder you were so distant at the beginning of the school year. I thought you were just stuck up, but I guess I was wrong. I’m glad you trust us now, though.”

“Me, too,” Cyrus said.

“So, this TJ,” Bogie asked, “what’s he up to?”

“Besides knowing that he plays basketball for Midwest State U, I have no idea. I haven’t talked to him since I last texted him after the breakup. I’m still good friends with his sister, but she never says anything.”

“Dang, so he’s a baller?” Bogie asked.

“Probably just getting fucked up at parties,” Mikhenna suggested. Cyrus didn’t respond. He just shrugged.

“Do you still love him?” Roxana asked him.

“I don’t think so,” Cyrus shook his head. “I’d be stupid to. But thanks for listening, guys. I feel a lot better. I feel like I belong and that I can finally move on.”

-

Cyrus didn’t see the point of flying all the way back home for a week long break, so he decided to stay behind in California and take a train to his aunt and uncle’s place. They had a daughter that thirteen and always had juicy middle school drama.

When he was laying down on the bed of the guest room, his phone started vibrating. Buffy was on Facetime, and he answered immediately saying, “Hey, Buff.”

“Hey, Cyrus,” Buffy grinned widely before switching the camera, “look who’s with me!”

Andi waved at the camera, “Hey, Cyrus!”

“Andi,” Cyrus grinned. “How are you? We haven’t talked in like four days.”

“I know right,” Andi laughed. “I’m fine. What about you?”

“I’m good, I’m good,” he said before registering completely that Andi was in Shadyside. “Wait,” he paused, “aren’t you supposed to be in Pennsylvania?”

“Yeah but a professor died, so they gave us two weeks off instead of three days and just postponed winter break.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“I have no idea who he is,” Andi shrugged. “But where are you?”

“With my dad’s sister and her family. I’m just chilling and eating home made food before I go back,” Cyrus smiled. Andi moved over to sit next to Buffy and Cyrus noted that they were at the Mack’s place.

“So enough of that,” Buffy said and then looked at Andi who gave her a stern look. “Come on, let me tell him.”

“Well now you have to tell him,” Andi rolled his eyes.

“That’s very true,” Cyrus agreed.

“I know,” Buffy smirked. “That’s why I said that. Anyways,” she looked right at the camera, “we went to the mall with Amber in her car, but it broke down in the parking lot when we were leaving. She had to call TJ to come pick us up, which was already awkward enough because I always ignore him at school, but I was like whatever, it’s a twenty minute drive. Then in the car, literally, this man, I mean, boy, can ask any question. Any question in the world. Preferably, one directed at his sister, like you know, has your car been acting funky for a while? But he asks me and Andi, ‘How is Cyrus doing?’” Cyrus’ heart dropped. He hasn’t heard anything about TJ in so long he’s forgotten how to react.

“What did you say?” Cyrus asked nervously.

“I said that I charge $50 per fact,” Buffy said, “and he didn’t say anything else.”

“That’s weird,” Cyrus frowned. “I wonder why he doesn’t just ask Amber. I literally call her once a week, every Tuesday.”

“No idea,” Buffy said. “But maybe she just doesn’t answer him for the same reasons I didn’t.”

“Which are?”

“We love you.”

-

anyways follow my main @webarebares <3 thank you for reading! feel free to send asks if something was confusing or if a typo was horrible or just because. i luv u.

[honeylovecult]

*big long sigh*

I’m staring at my laptop screen contemplating on wtf am i doing? LOL we’ve all had those moments. When i first started being on tumblr it was 2015 i loved being on here i found people who accepted and understood me well. I found one of my best friends on here (love you Laura) I didn’t know who i was at the time i was still figuring that out. I barely knew how to use tumblr back then i would just post random pics of the boys and other groups. As the years went by i started opening up and socializing more. I really started to change and become more happy with myself. This is when the boy came out with Love Yourself Her. It was the biggest message i needed to hear and it changed my perspective on everything. I learned what it is to love and to love myself something i needed to do a long time ago but i’m such a stubborn headass smh. Everyone on here started to call me a sweetie and say all these nice things and i love you guys so much you don’t understand. I would do my daily tess rambles and talk and interact with you guys more. But, as of this year it’s like i lost my spark a lot happened so many things came hitting me all at once. My parents were arrested a week before my graduation we almost lost everything bec me and my older brother cant hold everything on our backs (i don’t usually get personal on here i apologize i just like writing my thoughts out). Everything was so amazing till it came slapping me in the face. It felt like i was being squished into a dark box. I had to take care of my younger sister and i had to get a job and i had to get one quick. My poor older brother had to take charge of us even tho he has his own family to take care of. I was so hurt my parents were taken from me right in front of my whole family and istg i almost punched the cop kkskskdkdkd i kid you not my sis in law had to grab me. I can’t talk about it much but it was really hard for me...my sister and nephews were there when it all came down. I refused to go to graduation without my parents there i know it sounds selfish but i’m the first child in the family to graduate and i really wanted my parents there. But, my brother was able to get my mom out the day before and let me tell you i went to graduation with mascara everywhere. Although my dad wasn’t there i still appreciated everyone around me. These past couple of months have been very, very hard but honestly if you were to ask me if im okay i can tell you i am. I really am okay 3 months ago i wanted it all to go away all i ever did was cry and cry. But, i learned to suck it up and be there for my family. I felt my old self slipping away and i didn’t want that to happen yk? I didn’t feel like myself i didnt want to be on here or even speak to my friends. So what i’m saying is, is that life fucking sucks and i wish didnt have to be this way but at the same time we have to keep moving forward and keep walking with our heads up high. We will always come across obstacles but we’ll be just fine i know it. I know these past couple of months i’ve been off but i’m back and i’m okay (: Again, i met so many amazing ppl on here and i appreciate all the love you guys give me i really do. I wish i could teleport to where you guys are and give you a hug bec you deserve it!!! I love every one of you SO MUCH i’ll always be there for you no matter what. Remember i’m your local pooh bear and i’ll always cook up some honey for you because y’all have my heart hehe. I’m going to end this ramble here cause if not ill be here for days. *blows a million kisses*

[unifiedabsence]

things currently on my mind:

hello  so  i want to write stuff out ig . you dont have to read it and im leaving names out. the thoughts may be a bit jumbled as im feeling quite a bit. trigger warning for food, death, and sex.  the feeling of instability is getting bigger.  i was doing good for around 2 months. this is just a minor setback and i will bounce back, but this is what im feeling in the moment. 

for one 

my dad’s still in the hospital. im worried sick every fucking moment of the day ,,, i didnt think something like this would ever get to me. but then i remember when my grandfather died and i was a wreck for literal months. crying myself to sleep every night. its not like we were super close... and  our politics were *so different* but that doesnt fucking matter when it comes to life or death and family does it. at least not to me. (three applies to what im about to say) im starting to feel bad about not... moving back to my parents. to like. take care of them.  i dont want my mom to be alone through this. but ... at the same time i cant be around all the misgendering and deadnaming and judgement all the time. its hell and makes my brain rot. 

two

i am so confused about my identity ... i try not to think about it and the idea of no label is feeling more comfortable everyday. im not a girl,,, i dont know what or who i am though. my head hurts just thinking about gender

something sort of related: my sexuality??? im not sure if im bi or not anymore. im confused. people do say sexuality can change throughout your lifetime though...\

three

im moving. again. im moving into a good home, full of acceptance and loving people. i dont want to leave this place though. im comfortable. sometimes you have to be uncomfortable though and thats okay. this will be fine and my brain will be able to accommodate shortly. 

four

im in a constant state of feeling like im about to be replaced since ,, to be completely honest, im not really fun to have around. specifically by one person.  i dont know why i get like this. all i know is this is a toxic trait and i try my best to not let it affect people. 

this is my biggest flaw. 

five

i hate my body. i hate myself. i hate how much i weigh. i feel like a fucking disgusting pig. im working on it though. itll get better. im buying sexy lingerie and im going to start a lewd acc for me. . my name wont be associated . i want to feel like i could appeal to someone. i want to feel handsome and sexy and beautiful .

six

i hurt someone special. this seems to be a theme. things dont work out and thats okay. 

seven

im so fucking unmotivated in school. youd think me being 30k in debt soon would kick my ass in gear but honestly i cant get myself to do jack shit at times. at least my classmates and teachers really keep me motivated when i really   need it. i like the way i cut hair. what i dont like is my lack of social skills. i suck at talking to clients like a normal fucking person, but theres been major improvements in these past months. i hope ill be able to graduate. someday i want my own city condo. getting really good at hair will get me there.; i need to figure out how to keep motivated but i am so socially anxious and dont know how to cope with that in a real healthy way. ive stopped bringing my sketchbook and headphones to school so maybe i wont go to those all the time and ill get my shit done. 

eight

i feel like a normal person sometimes, other times i  go manic. i shut down. i go silent. i cant stop talking. i want to pull my hair out. right now im full of so much energy when i know i should be tired. i could run miles and not feel worn out. theres so much to think about and say and do 

i cant even put into words the things i feel sometimes., 

but dude

im glad youre here for me. and you dont think im  crazy. you dont look at me like im weird or a fool even when i act in certain ways. i know this is vague. 

ok bye

ps i think im going to cut my hair. i look cleaner. 

[alicedoessurveys]

VERY long survey

Where have you lived throughout your life? 

Birmingham UK

Do you find your job rewarding? 

N/A

What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? 

chocolate

To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? 

I enjoy both, but bagels.

Do you paint your nails? 

yes. although they're not painted at the moment because ive been cleaning the house so much the past couple days and its stripped my varnish off

What’s the last website you signed up for? 

a dating thing

Do you check your email everyday? 

yes, I cant stand having the little red number above the mail app 

Have you created any pages on Facebook?

yes but I dont have them anymore

Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? 

every subject, but especially maths and science 

What’s your favourite song by Dave Matthews Band? 

I dont know any 

Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? 

I dot particularly enjoy talking to anyone :’)

Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? 

yes, we wondered around through the middle of Birmingham at 4am 

Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? 

haha nope

Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?

yes

Have you ever had a panic attack? 

many, I had to drop out of college because of them 

Are you deathly allergic to anything? 

nope

Have you ever had a mouse in your house? 

nope

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? 

myself 

Is anyone you know really religious? 

my family

Are your eyebrows naturally thick? 

yes

Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? 

not physically sick, but definitely felt it. the worst experience Ive had with speaking was in college when I had to give a speech then teach a 10 minute class. my throat totally dried up and I literally couldnt speak. everyone just stared at me and I was trying so hard not to cry. longest 10 minutes of my life and as soon as it finished I legged it out the room and burst into tears. 

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? 

Mary Poppins Returns almost got me but the last film to actually make me cry was Coco. That shit had me SOBBING!

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? 

yes 

Has a laptop ever burned your legs? 

not really, I put a cushion on my lap normally

Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?

no

Who was the last person to flip you off? 

probably rhys, as a joke

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? 

my dad turns 50 next week

Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? 

I have done a few times but they annoy me

Are you good at following directions? 

no no no I get confused very easily

Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? 

yes rhys 

From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? 

if I reach behind me 

When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? 

occasionally, it depends where I am and what im eating 

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? 

manual 

Are your biceps at all noticeable? 

they used to be before they went into hiding under a layer of fat 

Have you ever seen a walrus? 

nope

When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? 

no, I believe in the ‘what food is it’ and ‘how dirty is the floor’ rules

If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? 

yes. I was supposed to have gone on a camel ride in Tunisia ages ago but I was ill so we didn't get to go 

Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?

they could be. the number of people getting cancer has gone up a lot since everyone has mobile phones 

When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? 

depends who it is 

Do you tend to jump to conclusions? 

yes. Im an anxious person so im constantly overthinking and I also find people really hard to read and can get

Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? 

yes my brain cant remember important things but when it comes to dates its like a sponge 

Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? 

getting a job

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? 

ew no

How long does it take you to fall asleep? 

about 15 minutes depending on how tired I am 

Do you crack your neck often?

no that freaks me out 

Did you have a weird dream last night? 

not that I can remember, I have been having a lot of weird dreams this week because im ill

Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? 

everyone. especially when im at the theatre, im constantly watching other people and wishing I could act like they can or look like them or have their style 

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? 

both

In what way are you your own worst enemy? 

every way, I dont look after myself at all 

What activities make you lose track of time? 

sims

When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” 

not really 

Who do you tell your secrets to? 

these surveys 

Who do you live with? 

my parents and our foster kids 

When did/will you graduate? 

I didn't 

When are you moving next? 

I have no idea. probably never 

When is the last time you took a vitamin? 

this morning, im fighting a cold 

Why are you stressed? 

im not too bad right now tbh

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? 

nope

Where do you keep your birth certificate? 

no clue, my mom has it somewhere 

How many books are in your room?

a lot. I have quite a few on display and a whole bunch hidden away in my closet because theres no space for them anywhere else. I'll include some photos of the books in my room;

(the book on my bedside table in the second picture is actually a lamp that lights up when you open it)

Have you ever been IN a wedding? 

nope

What was the last thing you laughed out loud at?

probably my mom 

Do you have a nickname? Why? 

my family call my bongy or Ali bong, I dont know why.. (my name is Alice)

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? 

nope

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? 

my mom tells me almost every day but Im like youre my mom of course you would say that 

Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? 

no

Want someone back in your life? 

meh

Are you currently sad about anything? 

actually nope

Are you wearing anything shiny? 

my pj top has glittery silver letters on

How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? 

very, I fall very easily for people who make me laugh

How many followers do you have on Twitter? 

198 (@alicethenerd if ya wanna follow 😉)

Do you sleep with the door open or closed? 

closed. I aint about letting those murderers and monsters just waltz straight in easy peasy 

Have you ever been to the beach? 

yes every summer since I was a kid 

Can you handle blood? 

nope

Do you pay your bills or do your parents?

I pay my own bills. no way my dad would be up for paying my bills, he already digs at me constantly about the fact that I live rent free even though I look after the foster kids and tidy the house more than he does

What’s your best friend’s middle name? 

Connor

Has any place hired you underage for a job? 

not officially

Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? 

yes

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? 

no

Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? 

no

Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? 

I hope to become wealthy enough to not worry about having enough money to put fuel in my car anymore and to be able to pay back my parents and grandad for everything they've done for me 

Do you remember your first time going to the movies? 

no, but my earliest cinema memory was going to watch Monsters Inc with my dad when it was first released 

Does eating breakfast make you sick? 

if I try to eat before a certain time yes

Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute?

not dying to nope

Book series you enjoyed reading recently? 

im reading eve of man atm which apparently is going to be a series

Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? 

I prefer lying on a blanket, I dont like the feel of grass and I dont like the bugs crawling around 

Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? 

yes, it doesn't have many stamps in because I lost the one that did have lots in and I havent been away much since getting the new one 

Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? 

nope

Do any of your close friends have children? 

no

What do you plan on having for dinner?

we already had dinner, we had chippy

Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? 

I only really like one meal 

Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? 

actually yes, literally a few weeks ago

Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? 

yes, my second cousin 

Have you ever played flashlight tag?

ive never heard of it

Could you call yourself a movie buff?

not really, im a huge movie fan but theres still a lot I need to see 

Have you ever had a piercing get infected?

never had a piercing 

Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? 

dad does it

Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? 

nope nope nope, my legs are not suitable for public viewing :’)

Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy?

not really no. my nan and grandpa’s house is always neat but not obsessively neat. my grandads house is full of clutter because my nan was a hoarder 

About how much can you bench press? 

I dont know, I havent lifted in years 

Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? 

yes

Is anybody in your family a carpenter? 

no

Are you avoiding someone? 

yes

Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? 

I dont have a boyfriend but if I did I doubt id call him monkey

What’s your favorite primary color? 

yellow #hufflepuffpride

What were you for Halloween? 

nothing, I didn't dress up 

Do you have any clothes from Walmart? 

nope, we dont have Walmart here

When did you get a Facebook? 

about 10 years ago 

What color are your eyes? 

green/hazel

What motivates you? 

happiness

Can you walk in heels? 

nope

When was the last time someone asked you your age? 

the other day, my own mother forgot how old I was

Do you keep a journal? 

not really

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? 

never had vodka

Do you wear a ring on your finger? 

occasionally

What are you doing? 

watching ‘the greatest dancer’ and wondering if this survey is ever going to end 

What’s the last kind of soup you ate?

tomato 

Do you currently have a sunburn?

no. its winter

Who did you last text? 

my sister

Who’d you last call? About what? 

my mom, to ask her to come downstairs and let the dogs out because the baby was asleep on me and there was no way I was going to risk waking her up

Are you currently frustrated with someone? 

yes

Do you drink water or soda more often? 

water

Do you straighten your hair?

yes

When did you last talk to your brother or sister? 

today

What is your least favorite vegetable? 

all of them

Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. 

Rhys, Addison, Jacob

In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? 

IT

Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? 

I didn't really enjoy any subjects at school

When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? 

today. I had planned to deep clean the bathroom but I went super dizzy and had to give up half way through cleaning 

Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? 

I dont but I am seriously considering adopting one of our foster babies atm. I want to adopt anyway, theres no way I could be pregnant 

When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing?Describe it. 

I honestly cant remember, im due a shopping trip

Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female?

female

Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. 

not really no

Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? 

I would cautiously forgive him but I would also make sure he knew that how he treated me was not okay and that he really upset me and this would be his last chance. but tbh I think hes done with me so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nastiest thing you’ve ever done? 

I dont know, I dont like being nasty

Have you ever been in a lighthouse? 

nope

What colour is your shower? 

I think its silver, ive ever actually noticed

Where do you order your pizza from?

dominos

When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone?

few days ago 

Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? 

yes, im a creature of habit

What colour is your bike?

silver & purple

What word can you not stand to hear people say? 

the c word, I cant even type it

What room of your house are you in? 

living room 

What is the temperature in your city right now? 

9°c

When did you last use a post-it-note?

last week in the script for the show im currently working on 

Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? 

yes

Do you have a fan in your bedroom? 

no I dont like them, they make too much noise 

Who is the last person that you took a picture with? 

one of our foster kids 

When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam?

the weekend before christmas 

Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? 

not many

When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 

almost two years ago 

What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? 

I dont like salads

If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? 

all the time, Im constantly writing lists or reminders to myself 

How good would you say your memory is?

long term good, short term bad

About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? 

a few times

Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? 

multiple, we have plugs in and sprays and those automatic ones that go off every 15 minutes 

What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently?

done my laundry :’) im on my last pair of pants!

Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? 

no

Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? 

not really, I dont like being too hot

Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? 

no

Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? 

yes, I love driving most of the time 

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? 

no

Do you like french fries?

yes

Have you ever eaten so much you puked?

not since I was a kid 

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? 

annoyingly yes

Would you rather go to Greece or France?

greece

[gothic-gnosis]

hi

i know you might not text me ever again

but i wanna get out how im feeling. so a tumblr post will suffice.

i miss you a lot. a lot more than i really admit. i'm sorry.

it really sucks that i cant ever say anything to your face. or i just push and push. i lied about you not being my favorite person. obviously, you caught on but you have to understand. i dont wanna get hurt. i dont want to be pushed away or rejected or told i'm crazy. i didnt want you to leave. i didnt mean to push you into not talking to me ever again. i'm sorry for pushing that on you when you had enough going on. like wtf dude LMFAO that was kinda rlly fucking awful. and it hurt pretty bad too.

which isnt your fault, i'm not blaming you or asking for an apology or anything considering i hurt my own feelings. but holy shit, did that fucking hurt.

you obviously know i smoke a lot of weed but its gotten so much worse because now i smoke everytime i think of you. i miss you so bad but i feel like i shouldnt. i shouldnt have let myself fp you. i shouldve avoided you. this wouldnt be happening if id taken my own advice and taken the hint that i shouldve left you alone.

i dont think i deserve really. anything from you. i dont even know why you kept responding to me, i mean. i know that i text pretty heavily and never take hints ever but wtf dude. i mean, i know i asked that one time and you hit me with the uno reserve but damn dude. i be overthinkin like everything.

i think about the time you tied my boots a lot. i even took a photo after cause im a psycho and wanted the photo. but tiktok told me only boys who like u do that.

and then it hits me. u were probably only nice to me because you wanted to fuck. ooops. and the worst part is, i was being obsessive without even realizing. like i recognized "ok, dont fp this person cos ull get hurt like a dumbass" but. see, the thing is, you told me i was pretty. and now i wanna fucking die. i feel like god now, people see my face for the first time and it always becomes topic of discussion, and i dont bring it up first. like.. coworkers comment on my face, like my nose being straight and my cheekbones like.. thats what people notice after my eyes, my literal favorite feature. i even put a fucking needle through my face over it LMFAO. like now my egos a lil bit inflated. the thing is. everybody is pretty here. really pretty. we live in fucking san diego and are surrounded by like. rlly rich ppl who can afford body mods and shit. if people are telling me im pretty, i dont think theyre lying anymore. especially being in the beauty industry..

OH I FORGOT TO MENTION

i found out i have pretty privilege. like.. imagine. me being pretty enough to get stuff just cause of it. like, i have no job history or really any experience at all in customer service or hair at all after graduating school. my first job EVER was the salon. and they never fucking hire people without hella experience, im SO fucking under qualified but cause im tiny pretty goth girl with fuckin JOKES and shit, how tf can u pass up my dumb ass LMFAO

also, idk if you see me on ur fyp cause i exist on tiktok now. prolly not, cause im dumb. i feel like one day ill think about this and think its hilarious cause im not only oblivious but fucking Stupid.

i know one day youll text back. only when youre ready though. i think our relationship will definitely stay platonic considering i'm moving to seattle in less than a month and you seem like you kinda depend on fucking something, my dude. LIKE HONESTLY YOU KINDA TOLD ME SO MANY SUSPECT THINGS AND I DIDNT EVEN REALIZE. DUDE THATS SO BAD. i def feel like youre lying about your body count, but i definitely believe ur a thot who're, sir.

anyways im back after getting high and listening to bowie. uh. its 2:22.