#(while our parents stayed home and kept working but enjoyed childlessness lol)

[yardsards]

,,,i miss Her (the ocean)

[theloveshackchronicles-blog]

Baby #2... Terrifying?

As I mentioned in my first blog about depression and anxiety, a village raised my first born, Madden. We had so much help! Both grandma's were on board. My brother and sister were on top of it as far as being there for him when I had to work late hours or what have you. And for 6 years of his life, that's the way it's always been. No one ever complained or gave me a hard time about needing help because Madden is honestly the most easy going and chill kid to have as company. I never had to worry about leaving him with my family because they just adored him so much and everyone who loved me knew I was hustling. I rarely hung out or did things on the days I had my son unless it was work.

Our custody agreement was LIT! I would have Madden from Wednesday to Saturday at 5. So for a few years, I had the weekend off from being a mom in a way. If I wasn't working a weekend, I was out! I became really close with a family who welcomed me as their own. We lost touch over the years but I will never forget them. We partied every Saturday night! We took river trips in the summer and literally had adventures every chance we could. It was so dope that I could still enjoy my life although I was a mom. Everyone made it seem like your life would be over once you had a kid but divorce and custody didn't mark that as true for my situation. If I was dating someone or "talking" to someone, they knew that wed-sat was off limits. Don't ask to see me. Don't ask to meet my son. You can't even come into my apartment. Because the man of that place is my son. For the most part, they respected that because.... um how can you not?

Madden and mommy....my sidekick... my protector...my FRED! I swore I couldn't share that love with anyone else. Madden molded me into the woman I am. He and I grew together and made life discoveries together. Him and I have an amazing bond. People feel it right away when they are near us. He's truly the better part of who I am. The best part!!

Time passes, I move back home with my mom. I had major goals to reach starting the winter of 2015. That is when I started therapy and shaved all my fucking hair off like a lunatic. I had big plans to turn over a new leaf and my mother was so cool about me coming back. She wanted me to save all my chickens and get me enrolled in a first time homebuyer program. She also encouraged me to get back into school (sounded good but we all know I hate school so suck it lol) I was feeling on top of the world and my new platinum buzz cut made me feel like a super human. People would just stare at me...ALL...THE...TIME.

A little while after the New Year, 2016 is when I rekindled my relationship with my now Fiancé, Justin. We had been together for 3 years prior to our reconnection. Broke up for 3 and then out of literally NOWHERE... I get a private message from him. I won't write what he said verbatim because I like some memories of us to be private. But lets just say my heart dropped to the ground. I thought he had forgotten about me. We were so amazing together the first time around but a lot of circumstances surrounding us weren't very ideal. We would find ourselves fighting constantly. Then family issues got out of hand so I was like "I am done, I need to focus on me and my son" and for 3 years we left each other alone.

After reading his message, I thought "why not?" After the first time we hung out, all we wanted to do was see each other. We quickly connected as if no time had passed. Plus, I started seeing such amazing growth in him that was so attractive. I fell in love all over again. He encouraged me to start photography as a hobby. So I did and thank him for pushing me because my camera is so special to us now. JC... back at it!!!

In April, I go on a Miami trip with my mom and sister for my mothers 60th Birthday! I was suchhhhhh a bitchhhhhhh on that vacation. I couldn't eat. Well let me rephrase. I couldn't eat meat! The smell, the texture, the preparation would make me soooooooo fucking sick! My mom made me a sandwich with ham and I almost cut her face off. I would get dizzy spells and needed to throw up every hour. Welp...... that was the start of my parasite, Baby Ace lmao!! I thought maybe I had gotten food poisoning or maybe the big yellow python I had around my neck earlier gave me some snake flu? Fuck, I didn't know what was up.

From April to December when Ace was born, I was the worst person to be around. I cut off my best friend in the entire world because I felt she hated me pregnant, I stayed in my home the entire time because I was always so sick and embarrassed from puking in public. I was so paranoid and thought my family was mad that I was going to have another baby and felt like they all thought it was too soon. It was ALL in my head because everyone was so cool about it. It was me who had this guilty feeling like why would I do this again? Especially after having such a calm pregnancy with Madden to this fucking horror scene every day? Ughhhhhh... my skin was gross, my hair looked like a chia pet and I didn't feel sexy or pretty anymore. This time around was horrible. It made Justin and I dislike each other very much for a while. But I couldn't help it. I was panicking. (We also had to endure a lot of BULLSHIT while I was pregnant and even some time after the baby was born BUT I will not get into that.... I am still very upset about it) Let's just say... FAMILY can be CRUEL!! That's all I can say. CRUEL!

Annnnyway!!!! I had a lot of worry and for good reason. Worry plus hormones... you do the math! I was not ok. Justin and I busted ass to prepare for our boy. We didn't want a baby shower because we literally started buying shit the day we found out. Target was at our doorstep every day for about 3 months. Like I said earlier, I felt like everyone was against us so I didn't want to inconvenience anyone by making them buy me a gift and come to my baby shower. We had it covered.  But we were convinced to have one against our wishes and then left to plan it ourselves. (rolls eyes... exactly what we wanted to avoid) but we did it and glad we did because we got to see close past friends we hadn't seen in a while and even some family came by to show love and support which is ALWAYS WONDERFUL. Our theme was "Let Love Grow" We had started our garden that summer as a trial run for the large one we had planned for the Spring after Ace was born. We had big plans to plant, grow and make our own baby food. So Let Love Grow was perfect! We gave out little cacti and succulents as Thank You favors. I thought it was so cute! Some of our friends still have those cacti. I am proud of those who kept them alive because I am no good at keeping plants alive. Good for you guys!!!

I "nested" for monthhhs lol! My nerves for starting over again were insane!!! I felt like I was new at this. It had been almost 8 years since having a baby. All the baby items changed. Everything that was once safe in 2009 is now banned and no longer safe or proper for a child. I couldn't just get back on the bike. There was a whole new parenting curriculum to adhere to and I was not prepared. I just didn't want to fail. I wanted to do everything right. I wanted to give my all. I wanted to have all my bases covered. And drove myself crazy trying to get there. I still ain't there. In fact, parenting comes and goes day by day. Yes, being a new mother was terrifying but after I realized that I cannot control everything that happens and decided to let the universe guide me, I was able to relax. Justin is one hell of a father too. He is always there. He is always coming up with ways to make things easier for us. And Ace is obsessed with dada.

Unlike parenting Madden, I am with Ace all the time. We as a family are with each other all the time. There is nothing more fulfilling than having my boys with me and being the mom I am to them. I love making my home comfy and warm for my loves. I LOVE being their mommy and I LOVE being a wife.

My life is far from over. I thank God because I feel like it has just begun.

If you're childless and wondering if you should have a kid. Think about where you're at mentally. Not age wise. Don't put a time clock on it. Be realistic with who YOU are. If you're still in your selfish stage, don't have a kid. It will be a burden to you if you can't balance out your personal life and your home life.(they're two totally different things so always remember that)

If you're pregnant for the first time and scared, I promise you...it's ok! Your little human was made FOR YOU! There is nothing that kid can do that you aren't designed to handle, baby!

And if your destiny doesn't include kids, that's fine too! I know it plays with your heart when you see all these pregnant friends and celebs on your social media accounts. I swear, after I had baby number two is when the baby boom took offfffff! I didn't think people wanted to raise kids in this nasty world but boy was I wrong. I SEE PREGO'S everywhere lol! Congrats to any expecting moms or dads who are reading this by the way!!! But if your world is ok without kids, that doesn't make you less of a woman. It doesn't make you cold or selfish. Its all good to not want kids. I'm sure there are some kids in your world who love you and cant wait for your visits. Trust me, you matter to some kid out there! You will have an impact on our future. Just in a different way. That's all.

Baby boy turns 1 on the 22nd and his birthday party is tomorrow. I am so emotional because this year flew by for me. Daddy doesn't think so but I feel like I was just pregnant and miserable yesterday. I feel as though my little boy shot up before my very eyes. He has a smile full of teeth. He walks like a champ and even tries to talk to us. Its going too quickly for my little heart to catch up. I will be a wreck tomorrow because this year has been a mix of such scary, loving, exciting, stressful and eye opening  experiences I have ever had!!! I have changed so much. My life is soooo different now and I just thank God for giving me another chance.

To Madden and Ace,

I promise to be your guiding star and your soft spot to land when times are great and when times are not so great. I promise to love you for all that you are and for all that you will be. You boys are the highlight of all my days and the constant dream in all my nights. You're both so special to me and I thank you for saving me. I thank God for picking me for you two. I love you boys more than life itself. I love you guys more than there are stars in the galaxy. I love your smiles and your laughter. I love how silly you both are because I KNOW I AM YOUR MOMMY when you do weird shit. I love when you hear music and start to dance. I love when you don't feel so well and look for me and my love more than usual. I love your eyes, your skin and your hair. Your smell! Gosh, motherhood is the most special thing I can call mine!

 -it's SCARY but it's WORTH IT