#(which idk how to feel because i’ve been admittedly nagging about it a bit)

[saywhodidwhat]

x

[punksarahreese]

hmmm 31. “Wanna, like–I mean, if you’re not busy.. We could get lunch? Or even just coffee if you don’t have a lot of time?” maybe restart? idk but just think resident Sarah super nervous and fellow Ava like hm sure why not- it can be other au tho but this prompt 31 is too good not to be used at all

Sorry this took me way longer to write than expected ahsjsk

***

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen a descending aorta in such a state,” Ava mused, bumping Connor’s shoulder with her own as she reached him at the nurse’s station, “Absolutely shredded.”

“Welcome to Chicago,” Doctor Zanetti replied as she came around the corner, “I’m glad one of us is enjoying gunshot trauma.”

“You’re a trauma surgeon, Sam,” Connor reminded her, “How was the surgery, anyway?”

“Doctor Zanetti is an excellent assist,” the other woman said with a nod to her friend, “I think I have a new favourite trauma surgeon.”

“Coincidentally I may have a new favourite CT surgeon.”

Since Ava had moved to Chicago, she had become rather close with Connor’s trauma surgery colleague. The three of them did butt heads pretty often, too much ego in one room according to Ethan, but they had gotten better in recent months. Ava was glad to have friends in the new city, despite Connor’s insolence on most days and the way Doctor Downey’s favouritism of him still irked her. Work drama aside, Connor was a good surgeon and a decent friend when he wanted to be. Sam helped even things out, not afraid to help Ava knock Connor down a peg. Ava was also 100 percent comfortable with pointing out when both of the trauma surgeons needed to get their heads out of their asses, their god complexes together could be a bit much after all.

Despite the clash of attitudes, the three surgeons had realized they had more in common than originally thought. They all enjoyed sports and Ava was quickly integrated into Connor and Sam’s game nights whenever a sporting event was on. She hadn’t expected to make friends, didn't even want to originally, but it was nice to have people to talk to outside of work. It gave her something to look forward to on the weekends, besides curling up on her couch alone with some whiskey and a cardiology journal. Sam did say she needed to get out more, “become more personable”, and Ava supposed this friendship was a decent first step.

“Rude,” Connor rolled his eyes, “You’re both traitors, actually.”

“Aw, Connor,” Sam came around the counter to fling an arm around his shoulder, “You’re still our favourite pain in the ass.”

Ava laughed at their bickering, leaning across the nurse’s station to put her charting tablet down on the charger. She zoned out a bit, barely hearing as her friends switched to discussing the GSW repair that she and Sam just did. A fairly loud group of medical students were walking through the CT floor, which Ava quickly realized it was her group of loud med students. She sighed, ready to call out and chastise them for being a disturbance, but someone at the back of the group distracted her.

Sarah Reese was walking alone, as she often did, and she seemed nervous. This wasn’t unlike her at all, Ava had told her many times that she needed to work on her confidence, but she assumed that was just the student’s resting state. Still, Sarah had gotten better in the past couple weeks and that showed in how she broke off from the group completely, walking over to the three surgeons.

“Ava, can-,” she stopped herself and Ava couldn’t help but smile as her cheeks flushed when Connor and Sam glanced at her, “Um, Doctor Bekker? Can I... talk to you?”

Ignoring the amused looks she got from her friends out of the corner of her eye, she nodded, “Of course, Miss Reese.”

She led Sarah away from the nurse’s station, across the hall where she knew the other surgeons couldn’t hear them. She was aware of their gaze tracking them though and Sarah seemed to be too, evident in her posture and anxious fidgeting.

“Miss Reese?” Ava couldn’t help but laugh at the incredulous look Sarah gave her, aware that the student hated how that sounded. It had taken her about a week to break Ava from the habit, insisting that her first name was just fine. Ava only agreed to calling her that when it was just the two of them, which was good enough for her at that point. The two had gotten friendlier since their first encounter, somewhere in between Ava’s cheeky remarks and Sarah’s insistence on treating her mentor to coffee often. It was only fair, she argued, because Ava had stayed late with her in the skills lab practicing on more than one occasion. A feat that was reserved only for her, the student knew that, but she prayed no one else noticed out of fear of them getting in trouble for favouritism.

Not that she thought she was Ava’s favourite but, if the shoe fits and all.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bug you when you were with your… friends…”

Ava smiled at her and shook her head, “We just finished a surgery and I promise you didn’t interrupt anything,” she resisted the urge to give Sarah’s hand a reassuring squeeze, “What did you need?”

“Oh, um-” Sarah looked downright adorable with the way her forehead furrowed slightly, “I was wondering if you wanna, like–I mean, if you’re not busy... We could get lunch? Or even just coffee if you don’t have a lot of time?”

They were both clearly taken aback by the question, not expecting Sarah to make a move like that. Usually she would just shyly bring Ava a cup of black coffee and, if they had time, they might take a walk around the hospital grounds together. It wasn’t ever a date, they had never even discussed that kind of relationship; they were just friends. At least, that’s what Ava had been trying to persuade herself in hopes that she wouldn’t unearth any feelings. Sarah was cute, sure, but she was also a student; her student. Even if she was a legal adult and a fourth year medical student, Ava was still her senior and the last thing she wanted was to get the other woman in trouble with the board.

So she tried to suppress her own hopefulness as she chuckled a bit, trying to ease Sarah’s anxiety, “Why so nervous, Sarah? Lunch would be nice, today?”

“I- um… yeah! If you have time, that is.”

“I can make time for you,” Ava replied smoothly, ignoring the nagging thought in her head saying she needed to write her post-op notes. Maybe if she was lucky Sam would do it for her, or at least not mention it when she didn’t finish them until later that evening. It wasn’t every day Ava got to spend lunch with someone and as much as she liked being with Sam and Connor in the CT lounge on break, Sarah’s hopeful eyes were on the verge of making her melt and she had already made up her mind.

“Really?” Sarah tried to hide her excitement quickly, “Okay, meet you in the cafeteria, then?”

“Give me fifteen minutes, I’ll be there.”

Sarah nodded, glancing back at Ava’s friends before regaining her composure, “Thank you, Doctor Bekker.”

With that the medical student was off down the hallway, her classmates long gone but her attitude had changed immensely. Ava had to laugh a little at how she had a little confidence in her step, wondering why Sarah Reese had such a softening effect on her. This woman was bad for her reputation, in any sense, but Ava couldn’t find it in her to care at that moment.

She tried to evade Sam’s curious eyes when she walked back over but the other surgeon wasn’t having it, “Was that the cute med student you’ve spoken so highly of lately?”

“Yeah, the same one you bullied in the ED a few weeks ago, Zanetti,” Connor reminded her, “Sarah Reese.”

“Shut up, Connor, this isn’t about me.”

Ava had been quietly gathering her white coat and stethoscope from their resting place over a desk chair, hoping she could escape without further questioning. No such luck, though, because now Sam was even more interested.

“Why’s a newbie calling you by your name, Ava?” she raised an eyebrow, “You didn’t even let me call you that until a month ago.”

“She prefers a first name basis,” Ava mumbled, which wasn’t untrue, “Makes her less anxious.”

“Well, she still seemed fairly nervous if you ask me. What did she want?”

“Nothing,” she sighed, “Just questions about our skills lab assessment later this week.”

“Mhm,” Sam clearly didn’t believe her and, judging by the look they shared, Connor didn’t either. The last thing Ava wanted was to be late to lunch because of her friends’ nosiness but she figured they would just press her for answers later at Connor’s place. Of course it was a game night and they would know something was up if she suddenly cancelled, so Ava was silently preparing to accept her fate. Not that there was really anything to admit, not what they expected anyway, but being friends with a med student she was mentoring was bad enough.

“I have to go,” she said as she swung her braid over her shoulder, “I will… see you later.”

Ava was very aware of their amused staring as she walked away, clearly not heading to go do post-ops as she was walking in the complete opposite direction of the ward. She was a bit anxious, for no real reason, but it felt like them knowing was the end of the world. That was dramatic of course and she knew they would probably just tease her about being soft but Ava still kept having a nagging feeling that it would end with the worst case scenario. She tried to ignore that thought, though, and it thankfully left her mind the second she walked into the cafeteria.

Sarah was sitting at a table that was a bit secluded, writing away in her notebook. She had her glasses perched on her nose, which were admittedly very cute on her; not that Ava would ever say that out loud. The student must have heard her approach because she looked up before Ava had reached the table, smiling widely at her in a way that had her forgetting why she was even anxious.

She would just have to tell Sam and Connor to stuff it, she decided; it wasn’t their business anyway. Besides, they always said she needed to make more friends, be more personable and all that. Really, Ava was just doing as she was told and being a good mentor by connecting with her students. At least that’s what she told herself as she greeted Sarah softly, watching patiently as she dug her wallet out so they could go get lunch together.

[lovelylogans]

what are your favorite episodes of gilmore girls?

ooOOOOOOH GREAT QUESTION i’ll break it down season by season:

season one

pilot. i mean, obviously. it sets them all up so well, character-wise; plus, you can tell some episodes in season one that were filmed shortly after the pilot vs a while later, just bc of emily’s differing hair lengths

the lorelai’s first day at chilton: introduces such great characters (paris, madeline, louise) and also is such a great way to continue the transition into learning about this world

rory’s birthday parties: god. just. the stark difference between emily and richard’s world vs stars hollow...... the found family of practically all of stars hollow showing up to rory’s home party...... “lorelai’s right. i don’t know my daughter at all.”...... God

forgiveness and stuff: like, gOD. a masterclass of acting especially from kelly bishop and lauren graham; it hits so differently after edward hermann’s actual passing. luke and lorelai’s relationship displayed on what he’d do for her. lord!

paris is burning: paris................ the Beginning of turning from enemies to friends...... plus, like, you get to see some of lorelai’s commitment issues, which plays out throughout the entire series (sometimes To My Great Aggravation)

concert interruptus: the bangles 🥺paris and rory 🥺

christopher returns: i mean. you see the dynamic between rory and christopher, lorelai and christopher, and emily, richard, and christopher, which just paints such a clearer picture of what lorelai’s life might have been like back then. PLUS, emily being soft toward rory; it’s one of my fave relationship moments for them, and i kind of regret taking that line from her and giving it to christopher in wyliwf.

star crossed lovers and other strangers: the same way we get to see emily and rory, we get to see richard and lorelai; also, you can see how lorelai’s commitment issues might have inadvertently affected rory in this. plus i love love LOVE the backstory of the stars hollow lovers festival, i wish they’d repeated it in later seasons!

emily in wonderland: i really wish you’d gotten to see the effect of learning about lorelai and rory living in the shed play out more than a one-episode arc, i really wish we did, but like. emily bishop, once again, acting her damn heart out. phenomenal.

season two

the road trip to harvard: you get to see the beginnings of how rory leaving for college might affect lorelai, plus you get to see rory in her ivy league habitat. luke getting so suddenly, “inexplicably” cheerful when he hears that lorelai’s not marrying max. and at the very ending emily being sympathetic to max. bless it.

nick & nora/sid & nancy: first jess ep. “dodger.” what else is there to say. points off lorelai tho for immediately losing it at jess when he snarks at her, when, like, that is your move, lorelai, you should recognize that?

presenting lorelai gilmore: rory stepping more and more into her grandparents’ world in a way lorelai never wanted to; though i don’t ship christopher and lorelai, their dance scene is adorable. plus, emily and richard fighting a bit and the beginnings of richards (seasons long!) arc about his journey with his work.

the ins and oust of inns: MIA. you get to see mia for the first time! lorelai and sookie having a fight is :( but you get to see lorelai’s turmoil over actually leaving the inn. emily coming to see mia! luke yelling at the town over them being rude about luke! lorelai coming to his defense! rory telling jess off and jess wordlessly fixing luke’s toaster in silent apology!

the bracebridge dinner: GOD. love it. the horses and carriages! the absurd historical acting! emily and richard! rory and jess! luke and lorelai! it’s fantastic!

a-tisket, a-tasket: I LOVE THIS EPISODE. some of the town absurdity that was just A Plus. “it’s not like she’s shipping off to ‘nam!” is a great line. jackson proposing to sookie! and poor lane........

there’s the rub: emily and lorelai, seeing how great they could get along, but seeing how either of them wreck it just when it’s getting a-okay. god. it’s just such a great microcosm of their relationship.

dead uncles and vegetables: luke......... Luke. lorelai and rory and jess all rallying around him in their ways, and stars hollow by extension. even tho they were pretty shitty at first, they, like. managed to make it up to him in the end.

lorelai’s graduation day: GOD LAUREN GRAHAM, KELLY BISHOP, AND EDWARD HERMANN KILL IN THE GRADUATION SCENE!!!!! i ADORE that shot of the three of them, gets me every single time!!! the only thing i dislike about it is rory accidentally missing the graduation bc....... :/. like. i really like jess. but. come on.

i can’t get started: sookie’s wedding!!! her freaking out over the cake so much in her dress is So Her, she looked so pretty omg! plus, if the spa ep is a good microcosm of emily and lorelai, this is a great microcosm for christopher and lorelai. plus!!!! RORY AND JESS FIRST KISS!!!!!!

season three (look, full disclosure, seasons 3/4 are like. my faves. so)

haunted leg: gosh. lauren graham kills it in that last couple scenes. plus! kirk asking lorelai out on a date is hilarious! emily and lorelai’s lunch at luke’s going So Bad! and i know that not a ton of people like the francie chilton student politics intrigue subplot isn’t great for some people, but i do think that the potential was Great and there are definitely some really good scenes that arose from that subplot, so

take the deviled eggs... like. just. a great blend of town insanity (patty’s new boy, the town loner pitching a protest no one knows the reason behind) and lorelai and rory bonding (by deviled-egging jess’ CAR) and just!!! yes!!!!

they shoot gilmores, don’t they?: i mean. come ON. what list would be complete without this? literally every single favorites list has this episode on there. the dance marathon is the perfect example of town insanity! lane and dave getting their bonding! that little luke and lorelai moment about having kids! that scene of rory crying into lorelai’s shoulder!

a deep-fried korean thanksgiving: i love the whole “three thanksgivings” thing. Can Relate, Do Understand. i think that lorelai freaking out at rory for applying to yale is definitely a contrived subplot (i mean. she was never going to apply to only harvard. ma’am.) but i do like seeing sookie, and luke and jess, and just.... Yeah

dear emily and richard: our ONLY flashback ep! while i do think that only lauren graham can really pull lorelai off, the actress is, like, fairly decent (young christopher, however, does not really fit) and you just! yeah! you get to see them back in their youth and FINALLY get the context of how lorelai ran away!

the big one: like! yay paris! lorelai’s reaction (”i’ve got the good kid!”) is Gross, Frankly! it’s gross and bad! but also poor paris 🥺but!!! rory helping to comfort her afterwards!! richard falling asleep in the middle and having No idea of what just went down is also inexplicably hilarious to me!

those are strings, pinocchio: i mean. it’s the graduation episode. God. i just???? god. it’s such a great episode, there’s so many great moments, i just. 🥺

season four

the lorelais’ first day at yale: a great little titling parallel to chilton, but also, rory panicking when lorelai leaves is like. such a Thing ya know??? i just. yeah. i really like that ep it’s a nice introduction

the festival of living art: one, this show won its only emmy bc of the makeup, so that alone is great. uh, kirk being so adversary to the guy who plays judas is god tier humor! plus! sookie and jackson having their baby!

ted koppel’s big night out: THE FOOTBALL GAME EPISODE! i actually kind of love it, but more the first half than the latter; it’s such an emily and richard way to prepare for a football game, you know? and then meeting pennilyn lott! igniting the arc of emily and richard having doubts about their marriage which has Acting! Moments! but this also has jason and lorelai’s first date, which i Dislike, bc i Dislike Jason Very Much.

nag hammadi is where they found the gnostic gospels: seeing jess come back into town and you get to see how unfinished things are between him and rory..... the luke angst..... Yes.

the incredible sinking lorelais: a very realistic part of college, imo, in which you feel overwhelmed and anxious and EVERYTHING SUCKS NOW CAN I JUST CALL MY MOM, though i wish they’d set it up a bit more and followed it longer than an episode, and also that rory hadn’t gone to dean; but also, trix, and richard standing up to her, which!

scene in a mall: idk i just love this episode? seeing emily in her shopping element; seeing her break down in that way; seeing how shopping is like, one of her Only ways to execute power, and how she’s kind of jealous of lorelai’s career bc she was born into a generation where the only thing it was really acceptable for her to do was cultivate a husband and a nice house; plus!!! that last bit of emily and richard and the apples at the table just BREAKS your heart!!!

girls in bikinis, boys doin’ the twist: SPRING BREAAAAK which is so unexpected for paris and rory and therefore very funny. you get to see madeline and louise again—i actually really love their characters, lmao! paris and rory kiss! just! yeah!

tick, tick, tick, boom!/afterboom: another “idk i just enjoy it” episode. richard and floyd coming to a head; kirk’s easter egg hunt; seeing little davey. however i have some Words for rory because lindsay deserves better??? i understand that she could get a part time job but also MIND YOUR BUSINESS?????? dean’s the one taking classes! that’s an unnecessary expense! he has two jobs!! he’s allowed to take a pause!!! also i can’t believe i’m forced to defend dean right now!!! fuck asher, tho, but yay! breaking up with jason!!! yay breaking up with jason!!!!!!

luke can see her face/last week fights, this week tights: i can’t, okay??? i literally had to. the beginning of jess’ (admittedly mostly off-screen) development arc! luke and the self-help books! the absurdity of the renaissance wedding! the WEDDING DANCE!!! 

raincoats and recipes: truly an episode has never gone from such a “FUCK YESSSSSS FINALLY” scene to a “FUCK NOOOOOO WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGGGG” but honestly it’s just. it’s Such a fantastic episode like i can’t

season five

written in the stars: their first date 🥺the horoscope 🥺”i am in, lorelai. i am all in.” 🥺 HER GOING DOWNSTAIRS IN JUST HIS SHIRT 🥺 HIM YELLING AT THE TOWN ABOUT HOW IT’S THEIR RELATIONSHIP AND NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS 🥺🥺🥺

we got us a pippi virgin: literally the concept alone of “nearly coming to blows via bop it” is great. also luke being like “rory is like pippi!” and showing off what a high regard he holds her in 🥺

emily says hello: LITERALLY so many great little things about this episode. emily deciding she wants to try dating! rory and christopher snapping at each other! KELLY BISHOP’S ACTING AFTER THE DATE WHEN SHE CLOSES THE DOOR ON HIM AND BURSTS INTO TEARS!!!!!!!

women of questionable morals: the dog. 

wedding bell blues: HUNDREDTH EPISODE couldn’t NOT make it on here, so here it is!!! luke and lorelai looking at each other when she’s next to the aisle! luke and christopher both yelling and logan—AcTING! also emily being so manipulative even on her second wedding day, it’s just So classically her, and kelly bishop and lauren graham in the final scene is just. Mwah!

so... good talk: rory literally stepping into lorelai’s shoes for a dinner and being the one to snap at emily and richard is Such a role reversal for her but honestly whenever it does happen i actually really enjoy seeing the dichotomy between the grandparents seeing rory as their perfect little second chance and lorelai seeing her as her mini-me and how rory walks the line between each. AND THAT ENDING KISS SCENE BETWEEN LUKE AND LORELAI????? I CAN’T?????

pulp friction: LORELAI CONTINUING TO ICE OUT EMILY AND RICHARD!!!!! the yelling scene at the diner!!!! plus seeing the chilton skirt come out again was nice imo i too have reused private schoolwear

season six (the season, admittedly, i have watched the least)

we’ve got magic to do: the outfits of the dar bash. paris’ sudden dedication to the proletariat. emily’s rant to shira. that is all

twenty-one is the loneliest number: them finally starting to talk; “this is luke, my soon-to-be-stepfather”; the pastor scene is also just. hilarious. but also so very richard and emily

let me hear your balalaikas ringing out: lorelai’s emotions toward paul anka being sick Oof and luke and the soccer team lmao but also JESS RETUUUUURNS!!!!! RORY SNAPS OUT OF IT!!!!!! FINALYYYYYYY!!!!

friday night’s alright for fighting: literally the montage of all of them intercut with fighting and them sitting in silence while the other two yell in the background to them laughing is just. Peak gilmore

this turned out..... even longer than expected lmao

[pick3mahlord]

So I'll more than likely very much regret this later on, but get ready for a sudden, long-winded and sappy post like I do, because today is a good time for me to reflect, and I like shooting myself in the foot, and as much as I keep thinking I should probably keep the private stuff to myself, I keep going back to look at it and feeling like it needs to be said.

So...Idk, trigger warning, I guess??

One year ago today, I misclicked on a random video of Mark's thinking it was another horror game. It wasn't. And that video was a turning point for me. Not that there weren't any other factors, I don't want to just be some bullshit success story, but without this there wouldn't have been *time* for other factors.

You understand?

One year ago today, I was stuck in a hopelessly deep depression in a relationship that I eventually came afterwards to realize was not only failing miserably, but had also been extremely abusive emotionally.

What family I cared about was already dead. I'd had no friends to speak of, in any capacity, always making it a point in the past for private reasons to keep people at as far a distance as possible. The few times I'd violated that rule never ended well, and I'm still dealing with that.

All I had --all I wanted or needed-- was him, and I devoted myself dearly, and I'm still sorry. But the stress of adulthood gradually began to strain things more and more, and after a minor surgery, he waited until I'd recovered and then let out all the stops. He turned on me.

Bitch. Whore. Useless. Dumbass. Stupid, crazy, heartless. Disappointment. "You should be thankful it was the wall and not you."

The aching grief that followed. Not because I thought I *was* those things on a conscious level, for he never did manage to convince me I deserved it. But because I had hurt him so badly. Haven't I always lived for the happiness of others? I only aim to please. Without that....if I can't do that........

The scars, the random crying fits, the constant nightmares that  might push anyone halfway to the brink by themselves. Ankle-deep in garbage in every room but the kitchen, and that only because I never got up the energy to get out of bed and feed myself. If it wasn't brought to me, I didn't eat. Sometimes not even then.

He saw the scars. I told him I felt suicidal. He told me to do it if I was going to. I tried twice. He never noticed. It never worked.

He began ignoring me, pretending I didn't exist. That he lived alone.

A few weeks after this, in lieu of artwork (which he wouldn't allow), I began to wonder if there were anything else. Some game or hobby or something I could acquire that would at least work to distract me. I remembered my significant other's younger sister talking about FNAF, some horror game that was popular one or two years back. I'd heard about it then. For physical reasons, I'm not actually able to take the stress of playing 90% of what's on the market myself, but this was just a point-and-click game, yeah? It's a diversion. It's worth looking up some videos, at least, to see if I can handle it.

Oh dear GOD was I wrong.

And...you know what happened, don't you?

It wasn't just the game, which by itself was admittedly entrancing enough. It was the commentary. He was an idiot. And amazing. And good-looking, to be fair. And for some reason, I could sit and watch something that would have me sitting clear in the other room if someone were playing it around me. It was oddly safe...

And it became a full-blown drug. And I was staying up to binge-watch things for hours, the one good thing in my day. And I had to get out of bed and force myself to the computer to do it.

Don't get me wrong, that hobby wasn't a cure-all, and it still isn't. There are still days I have to drag my ass out of bed by force. And when I wasn't completely absorbed in the computer screen, things were still pretty bad, and balancing precariously between becoming slightly better and exponentially, unbelievably worse. This was fun, but I mean, it was still....a pastime. It didn't mean anything, it changed nothing. You still *had* nothing, he's waiting for you to die already. And even that would change nothing.

FNAF was done. I needed something else. I started casting about for videos, clicking on random ones. It helped, for the duration.

I started thinking more and more about what I was really *doing* this for in the first place. You've always lived to serve. You still do. No one's gonna come to your funeral, they're dead already. You can't make anyone happy.... That's all we ever wanted..

I began to plan things out, to wonder what I should write for a note. Or, indeed, if there were anything left to say.

I began to cast about for videos. I'd seen some of the others by this time, too, that left me temporarily crying over my keyboard in laughter or that temporarily broke my heart to see. The sad ones stayed with me, and I'd grown to have a substantial amount of respect for this man, Mark, even if he'd never know me. Something to prove there was still one good person in the world. Something was nagging me, the feeling of an idea you can't quite remember....

And at about 3:15am on September 18th of last year, I sat finishing the last available FNAF video (for the 3rd time, I think?) and in the intervening emptiness, for lack of anything better, chose whichever thumbnail I thought was pretty. It suited the mood. Hopefully it was another horror game. It wasn't.

The Static Speaks My Name. 

Suicide.

Throughout that entire 15 minute video, I watched him put himself through fragments, metaphors, the game resonated in some way I'd rather it didn't. I was almost happy it only confused him. It's fairly artsy and only half makes any sense, but seeing the sheer pointlessness of it might have made things slightly worse, or at best neutral afterwards. At least it was good to see him break like that, that he seemed to understand. He had a bit of *my* heart, even if he didn't know it for what it was.

And then he began to speak.

And what he said shook me. It stuck with me, every word. His expression. The open honesty in his eyes. Over time, I had come to rely very heavily on Mark and his videos and his stupid posts as the one good thing that I had. I was alone, but I would drown my nothing in stories, jokes, stupidities. Kindness. That smile. From then on, whenever the thought of suicide would enter my mind, which was quite often, it was immediately followed by Mark's face. And on the tail end of that, those words.

"Just know that if you're a member of this community, if this message is reaching you in any way, just know that I *do* care. And even if I can't care all *that* much, because I don't know you -- I still care."

"Just know that there's a big ol' community of people out here that would love to give you any sort of love, and let you know that you're not alone."

It hurt a lot over the next few days. I'd go back and watch it over and over. I've always needed a purpose, and I was told my fiancee would be happy if I were to die. I don't have any reason to be here. The entire time leading up to that point had been me backing closer and closer to the ledge, always waiting, hoping for someone to stop me, and they weren't doing it. And out of nowhere, the one person left that I had come to have such respect for put himself through the same hell I was stuck in and, unbidden, offered a bit of his own heart in return.

This doesn't really apply to me. People are terrifying. I don't work well with others. I'm not a "member of this community." I wouldn't know where to begin.

But I want to be...

I won't go into much more detail than this. I've rambled enough, as anyone who's ever spoken to me can attest. It made me question. And it made me reach, albeit weakly, and try to find people, and those people made me choose. And some of those were only brief, and some I still talk to now, but in a hundred years of saying it, I could never express how thankful I am that they put up with all my shit, or how much I truly adore them, whether we still speak or not. Having that focus gave me something to stand on, and having that support changed everything. My happiness lies in others, and in loving them, and seeing it reflected back upon me, I may learn to love myself.

I'm not with my ex anymore, by the way. If you couldn't have guessed. He ignored me for Christmas, and made excuses for my birthday, and left me to celebrate New Year's alone. With you guys. We parted ways shortly afterwards. He cried because he'd miss me. *I* cried too, because he'd miss me. But I've had more than one opportunity to have that back, and each time I've refused, because every time I'm asked, I'm reminded that the scars running down the length of my arm are still visible, and I don't deserve that.

I can be a good person, regardless. Family is not always blood. I'm smiling more these days, and laughing more easily than I have in a long time. I'm a harried college student now, something I never expected of myself even when I was a kid, let alone the sad sack of bones that barely had the energy to eat when I was starving. I *am* going to graduate, and I *am* going to claw my way out of this if I have to, because I *want* to. And it's been a very long time since I've wanted *anything.*

Please keep going.

-Pick

[purplesurveys]

128

How do you feel about fire drills? They’re necessary at least for us since the Philippines has been a hotspot for earthquakes recently - but I just get so lazy every time classes have to be cut off because we have to gather outside and deal with sirens and firetrucks. Do your socks usually match? Yeah, I make sure they do. The idea of them mismatching is unsettling for me. Would you date your best friend? I already am. It’s turned out pretty damn well, I think. Whats your favorite weather like? I love love love when it’s dark and the air is cold. Rain or no rain is fine - I live mostly for the cold. How do you determine if a band is good or not? What do you look for most? There’s no one thing I’m looking for, really. As long as I find the song catchy and finding myself wanting to listen to it, and even that’s unpredictable every time. Are you addicted to anything? If so, what? No. That’s a sensitive word… What’s your favorite movie genre? Horror, drama, romantic comedy. Have you ever had an inside joke based on a quote from a movie, book, etc? Sure, I may have a few of those with Gabie. What do you want to do as a future career? I’m not looking for a particular path anymore at this point. Just something useful I can do with my journalism degree would be great. If you were pregnant right now what would you do? Who would be the father? Highly impossible. But in a very hypothetical sense, I would keep the kid. Whether I would raise it or give it up for adoption is something I can’t see anymore; but abortion isn’t an option for me. As for the father, fuck knows lol. Would you rather bake or cook a meal? Bake. It’s more precise and more prone to mistakes, but I have more fun doing it and at least I don’t have to deal with being splashed on with oil. If you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be? Job security. LOL. I’m getting so old so fast. What’s going to be the first song at your wedding? I really REALLY love Flightless Bird, American Mouth by Iron & Wine. Twilight did a good job making it such a feelsy song. But I don’t know if that’s still suitable for a wedding ten or fifteen years down the line haha. What’s something only you think is cute/funny? I don’t think there is anything; there’s always at least one other person who agrees with me when it comes to things like that. What do you find attractive in the opposite sex? Our guy friends sometimes treats us food, which is nice. Otherwise, none. Do you ever compare yourself to members of the same sex? Like in general? It’s unavoidable. What’s the perfect snack when you want to relax? Pizza. Would you rather have a few friends over & order in a pizza or go out? I always love going out with friends. Staying in with pizza is only good if it’s happening at Chelsea’s house. They have a veranda reserved for parties, her dad is a jokester and her mom makes food for us too so it’s always fun. Not to mention she has the sweetest 1 year old German Shepherd, too. If you could change any situation in your life what would it be? Having a conservative, homophobic family. Like if they tilt their views *just a little bit*, it would greatly help. Do you listen to music while you work/study? Nope. That doesn’t work for me. Describe a person you wouldn’t be able to live with? Someone who starts their sentences with, “well not all men…” “what men like is…” anything of the sort. I’m kind of heated about that now, since I’m seated at Starbucks and have no choice but to listen to a woman give such misogynistic advice to her fellow woman friend who has husband issues. Definitely not someone I’d want to ask advice from. What’s your favorite thing to do in your spare time? I like watching videos on YouTube. They provide enough distraction for me. If you could learn the subjects you wanted to what would they be? World history, geography, biology, Spanish, Korean. What’s a weird food only you like to eat? I eat mayonnaise with my tilapia, and thought it was normal until my friends were repulsed when they saw me eating it. If you could relive one memory what would it be? This is different on any given day, but right now I’d want to go back to any good memory I had in high school. Those geneuinely mean a lot. What super power do you want most of all? Time travel, but to be invisible for all of it so I don’t mess anything up. Is there a celebrity that you’d be willing to have a one night stand with? Hahaha. I always say I’m game for Kristen Stewart, but I think I’ll be too intimidated for real. Describe the perfect concert-lineup, arena, weather, w/e? I have a vast taste in artists, so I think if they'reput together it would really suck. Like I’m pretty sure putting Kendrick Lamar and Against Me! and St. Vincent in one show will never work. Do you like family restaurants or really fancy ones? I like both. Great food is what I’m here for. Are you more of a city person or a country person? why? City, because I’ve never experienced living in the province (closest thing the PH has to what the US calls ‘country.’) I’ve been around long enough to be fully reliant on internet and electricity and kitchen appliances that moving to the province would entail a really big adjustment. Do you want to live in your current town the rest of your life? Hell no. I’ll get a job, save up enough, and move out the first chance I get. What’s a negative thing about your town? Nothing ever really happens here. It’s the city right beside Metro Manila where everything takes place, so this is just pretty much where everyone passes through. Nothing special. A positive? Everyone lives near each other so that’s convenient. Would your rather drown to death or burn to death? Drown. They say burning is the most painful way to go, so I’ll have to pass on that. How many years longer are you hoping to live? 81. What song describes your typical mood? Or your current mood? I don’t think there’s any song that says “I have to pee and the table beside me is way too noisy. Also when is Gabie coming back?” If you found out today your best friend was gay what would you do? I found that out three years ago. I simply told her 'okay,’ because it’s the sort of thing that should be normalized. Congratulating is fine, but I prefer not to do that especially with Gab. I know she wouldn’t like if I made it a big deal and told her congrats, I’m proud of you, happy for you, etc. Describe the perfect kiss or date. I’m dying to have a fine dining date. With our actual hard-earned money. Do you have a special material item you hold sentimental value to? There are lots of items I view that way. Would you ever throw a dart at a map and go where it lands if you could afford it? Yes, if I had the time and money. Where would you hope it lands? (Continued from last morning) Chicago, although I have to have a good aim to hit just Illinois lol. Do you take care of yourself or do your parents help you out financially? I don’t have a job as of yet, so they take care of everything money. If you could get a pet for free today-what kind/what name? A golden ret named Theo. If you won 100 million dollars what would you do with it first? LOL maybe settle everything my parents have to (house, cars, etc.) because I’m sure they will nag me as if I owe them anything. Once they’re off my back I’ll probably save the rest of it, since it’s stupid and impractical to just run away with it. How many people have you slept with? One. Does true love wait? Hold on there, Disney. I mean yeah I guess it does but idk this is too poetic lol. What’s a huge turn off? Being too Catholic, based from 19 years of experience in a predominantly Catholic country. Or smoking. I can’t pick. Do you dig people with lots of body mods? Tattoos, yeah. If you could pick up on any instrument what would you choose? PIANOOOOOO. Any language? Japanese would be a huge help. Also want to learn Korean and Spanish. If you had your own business, what would it be? Nope nope nope. Do you ever wish you had a family business to become a part of? Kind of, yeah. It would admittedly be more convenient because at least I have something to fall back on if something doesn’t work out. What’s the most gruesome way you could come up with to kill someone? I dunno, look up people like Ed Gein or John Wayne Gacy or that dude who used a pre-recorded tape before he murdered his victims. Ask them. Do you think anyone deserves to die that way? Just those serial killers and anyone as heinous as they were. If you had to fight for survival, what would your weapon of choice be? Meh. Maybe the invincible tanks from GTA San Andreas so I can be untouched. Omg! Zombies are attacking. Where do you go, who do you find, whatta ya do? I’ve watched The Walking Dead long enough to know that I just wanna be one of the first to go lol. What’s in it for me in the end? All I will see are guts and undead loved ones and broken down cars and expired food. What cellphone is the best in your opinion? I dunno. I’m happy with my iPhone, but Apple can be so problematic and I know it’s not the best one out there. I’m sure there are better models, but just don’t know enough about phones to pick which one. Do you flip your pillow over to lay on the cool/cold side? Sometimes. I never picked it up as a habit. Stop playing with yourself! What are you going to do now? Finish my breakfast then maybe another survey.