#(which i'm really not here for and i find it utterly boring and most of time incorrect)

[amazingmsme]

Appetite for Trouble

AN: day 12 is finally here!!! My favorite fic I’ve written so far, which is blatantly obvious by the fact it clocks in over 9k. The mischief prompt was literally perfect for my boy Asterios, I couldn’t pass it up! This is one hefty boi, so grab some snacks & settle on in!

Now with a sequel here!

Being a demigod, things had always been...different for Asterios. Growing up, trouble nipped at his heels wherever he went. People treated him harshly or with a short temper, while his own emotions remained unchecked. A peaceful dinner would soon become a screaming match once he sat at the table.

As he got older, Asterios learned of his heritage and the unwanted powers that came with it. He had always felt stronger when people fought in his presence, and despite how great it felt, he utterly despised it. It did nothing but tie him to his birth mother, and offer a legitimate reason for others to keep their distance. As he grew from a boy to a man, he managed to bend his powers to his benefit. A playful argument, some mischievous roughhousing, nothing too serious, but with just enough discourse to provide a decent energy surge. It wasn't easy, but he managed shift the crew's frustrated tension into a more lighthearted chaos on more than one occasion.

It all started one long, boring afternoon.

Most of them were gathered on the deck, lounging about while others idly performed their tasks. Polites was rambling about something that Asterios couldn't hear from across the deck.

Instead, he planted the seed of mischief inside Elpenor's mind: it would be really fun to tickle Polites right now. He won't even see it coming.

Asterios noticed when the idea took root in his mind. The way he sat up straight, eyes darting to look Polites up and down, as if sizing him up.

Polites felt the gaze boring into him from behind and turned around, cocking his head. "Hey, what's with the look?" he asked innocently.

"Nothin' I'm just bored. So anyway, on a scale of one to ten, how ticklish do you think you are?" Elpenor asked out of the blue. Polites froze, sputtering out an answer.

"Wha- I- uh- I can't say,"Polites said scooting away from his friend, a blush already spreading across his cheeks.

"Guess we should find out then."

"No, we shouldn't!"

"Why, you afraid you're gonna be a ten?"

"Yes- I MEAN NO! Elpenor, wait!"

But there was no time for waiting. He dug his fingers into his sides, causing Polites to flinch away with a giggly squeal. He fell off the barrel he'd been sitting on, and Elpenor pounced.

"Yep, I think you're just a lil nervous to find out how ticklish you really are, but that's okay! You're in good hands!"

"I'm ihihin fucking evil hands, lehehet mehe goooo!"

Elpenor faked a gasp at the obscenity. "Language! Where did you learn to talk like that?"

"From me," Odysseus said, walking up from behind. Everyone froze; a flock of startled sheep. The captain had a relaxed stride and a smirk on his face, so the tension eased slightly.

Asterios saw a golden opportunity and took it.

I should join him. It's been ages since I've made Polites scream for mercy.

Odysseus reeled back at the thought, blinking in surprise as he tried to casually look around. Was it just him, or did the voice sound like...

Asterios stood his ground when the Captain looked his way, squinting. Everyone around him was tuned in, looking away would be more suspicious, would it not? By the Gods, he hoped he was playing his cards right.

Odysseus looked away with a smirk. "So, you want a hand?"

"Odysseus, come on!" Polites whined at the betrayal.

"I'd love one!" Elpenor chirped happily, wrestling their victim's arms above his head as Odysseus sat across his waist.

~~~

Asterios waited a few days before he struck again.

Another bout of boredom stretched across the ship, ensnaring the entirety of the crew in its jaws. That just couldn't stand.

Asterios spotted Leander and Plutarch engaged in a sparring match, grappling each other in the middle of the deck. There was a rope loosely marking the boundaries of their wrestling ring.

Leander circled him like a shark, sporting a sly grin. Plutarch smiled back briefly before falling into a deep concentration.

Suddenly, he lunged forth, slamming into the larger man with all his weight. Leander slid back a few feet as he fought to regain control. He had height on him, but Plutarch had made it clear that they were pretty evenly matched in strength.

He dodged to the side, panting for breath before he was wrestled to the ground, pinned with his face against the wood, one arm behind him.

"Do you yield?" he asked playfully, stretching his arm back. Leander grimaced, but shook his head.

"Never!"

They made this almost too easy.

I bet if I tickle him, he'll change his mind.

Plutarch almost gasped at the intrusive thought, a pale blush dusting his cheeks. Until now, he'd made it a point to avoid their mischievous antics, but it would seem they've started to rub off on him. His hand hovered above the back of his ribs, hesitant.

C'mon, he can't even fight back. What's the worst that'll happen? So against his better judgment, Plutarch poked a curious finger between his ribs.

Leander jumped so hard, he nearly knocked him off his perch. Plutarch arched a brow and repeated the motion. He was rewarded with a rumbly chuckle and flinch to the side.

He tried to stand up, but Plutarch panicked and shoved his hands under his arms, scribbling haphazardly, but hey, that seemed to be working just fine. Leander flopped onto the deck, hiding his face in the crook of his arm while deep belly laughs escaped him.

Asterios couldn't help but smirk as he watched the pair tussle on the ground. Good, they need this. A little bit of mischief never killed anyone.

He winced as a shrill squeal filled the air, looking over to see that Plutarch had managed to pin his arms above his head, raking blunt nails over his exposed hollows. Asterios let a sly chuckle slip out, shaking his head fondly as he stood and vanished into the crowd. As far as he was concerned, his work here was done.

~~~

Asterios knew he had to wait to strike again, less anyone catch on. It was a close call the first time with Odysseus, but he supposed he didn't know. If he did, he was sure he'd have been keelhauled. It was just a coincidence. One that had him paranoid, and he mentally marked Odysseus off the list as a future pawn in this little game of his.

Over a week had passed by, the crew growing restless once more, and he was not immune to the monotony of sea life.

He was walking down the hall when he paused, noticing Perimedes walk into one of the side rooms for a physical checkup. Oh this was too good to resist.

As soon as the door shut, he turned down the hall and stood outside the door, listening. He crouched down, watching through the keyhole for any sort of cue to work off of. Sage, one of their resident medics, had Perimedes laid on his back on a wooden exam table. Sage felt around his neck and shoulders, and even from his limited vantage point, he could see the way Perimedes tensed at the touch.

Is he ticklish? Asterios planted the idea in his mind like a sprouting seed. Sage blinked in surprise and looked his patient up and down. He shook his head, continuing the physical. He moved his hands down to his stomach and gently kneaded towards the center of his belly outwards, right above the hip bones.

Perimedes grunted and twitched away, shooting a glare at the medic. "Watch it."

"Sorry, didn't know you were tickli-"

"I'm not," he cut him off defensively. Sage paused and tilted his head curiously. 

He's too cocky for his own good.

"I'm sorry, of course not. How silly of me," he apologized curtly before resuming the probing touch, this time intentionally trying to tickle.

"Hehey w-whahat do you thihink you're doing?"

"I'm just proceeding with the exam. I thought you said you weren't ticklish?"

Asterios stood up with a proud smirk, dusting off his hands.

"I'm not!"

"Then why're you laughing so much? You coming down with a case of the giggles?"

"Thehehe what?"

"Oh dear, I'm afraid you are. And there's only one treatment."

"No- no Sage, gehet awahay from me!"

Asterios turned back down the main hall, heading towards the upper deck as the sound of panicked laughter grew louder even as he walked away.

~~~

It was… nice seeing the others smile and laugh, knowing he had a hand in it. It’s not that he didn’t want to personally put his friends in their place, he just… didn’t know how. His tough, grim persona did well at hiding the fact that he was nothing more than some shy, awkward, guy. But it also helped him go unnoticed.

He leaned against the wall, watching Elpenor and Aridolis from afar. He wasn’t sure what they were talking about, so he tried to go about his plan in a subtle way.

Whatever Aridolis had said apparently sent him on a tangent. Asterios smirked at his chance.

I bet I know what’ll make him shut up.

Elpenor didn’t notice the smirk that spread across Ari’s face until it was too late.

“Nohoho wahahait! W-what dihid I ever dohoho to you?”

~~~

Asterios didn't notice at first, but he always felt great after these random bouts of mischief. He was bolder, stronger, lighter on his feet. He began doing hard, intense labor that was usually reserved for people like Eurylochus or Leander. He even beat both of them in an arm wrestling match, back to back.

Needless to say, the outwardly cocky demeanor from the usually quiet and stoic man was a noticeable enough change for his crew mates to comment on.

"So glad to see you finally come out of your shell! I knew you just needed some time," Polites chirped, winking at him as he walked up beside him and bumped their shoulders together. Asterios ducked his head and smiled, something dangerous lurking beneath it.

"You know what? I think I really am," he purred, almost on the verge of a growl. Polites eyed him warily, scooting away ever so slight. Because even the friendliest amongst them knew exactly what he was.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it! We're all brothers now, it's about damn time we started acting like it," he said, a hint of amusement lacing his voice. Asterios crossed his arms, leaning back against the railing as he looked at Polites with a softer grin.

"Seems like some of them already are."

Polites chuckled and shook his head. "They're all a piece of work, I tell you. But... it's nice to hear laughter on the ship again. Good to know they can still have fun."

Asterios felt his smile falter at the indirect compliment, a faint blush creeping across his cheeks.

"So how 'bout you?"

Asterios practically jumped out of his skin. "Huh?"

"I don't think I've ever heard you laugh, all this time."

He rolled his eyes exaggeratedly, "Oh come on, that's not true! I laugh, I just don't laugh often," he clarified. "I'm not a giggly little bitch like some people," he added, looking him up and down. Polites scoffed loudly, jaw hitting the floor.

"Wha- are you talking about me?"

"And a few others," he couldn't hold back a sly chuckle. "There. See? I can laugh."

"Yeah, at my expense," Polites accused playfully. Asterios merely shrugged smugly.

"Yeah, and?"

Polites stared at him long and hard, fingers twitching by his sides before he shook his head.

"No, not today. I'll get you when you least expect it," Polites ultimately decided and started walking away.

The smirk fell from his lips, shoulders dropping as the color drained from his face.

"Wait- what do you mean? Polites, what do you mean?" he called out after him. He turned around to face Asterios, walking backwards and wiggling his fingers. Since when did Polites of all people get scary? Then he thought for a moment about who he grew up with and smacked himself in the head. Of course.

Speak of the devil, Polites bumped into him, and he smiled, slinging an arm around his shoulder. Asterios felt a chill run up his spine. He could see Polites say something that made Odysseus chuckle and glance his way.

He was fucked. Scratch that, he was beyond fucked. Asterios turned bright red and abruptly made his way below deck, shoulder checking Leander on his way.

~~~

Needless to say, he was nervous, but the more time passed, the more he relaxed.  Polites was easy going, he let him off with a warning this time; and he knew that his little guard dog Ody wouldn't attack without orders. He heaved a sigh of relief: he was safe.

For now.

He laid low for well over a month, but of course the mischief didn't stop. Arguments needed settling, pranks were pulled and required revenge, people were plain old bored.

Julien was lounging on the stairs to the upper deck, legs stretched out before him. His head was tilted back and eyes closed, seemingly enjoying the warm sunshine. Elpenor and Perimedes sat on either side of him, staggered on the lower steps.

He was one of the few other demigods aboard the ship, so Asterios would say they got along just fine. It was nice to know he wasn't the only one with divinity in their blood, making itself known through different ways. They both had wings; Asterios with his neatly tucked behind his ears, and Julian with a pair at his ankles. The crew was more than curious about the extra appendages, which was why Asterios almost always kept his hidden. Unfortunately for Julien, they remained in plain view. And right now, were well within reach.

"So can you fly with them?" Elpenor asked, eyeing them as his hand inched closer on the step. Perimedes smirked, carefully watching his movements and mirroring them.

"Not really, but I can hover and glide when I really need to," he answered.

"Oh, so they're just for show?"

Julien let out a slightly annoyed huff. "Sure, I guess."

"So why are they red like that?" Perimedes asked, causing him to tense up immediately upon hearing the question.

"I'd rather not talk about it."

Elpenor shot his friend a look, stomping on his foot to signal that was the wrong thing to say. Perimedes hissed in pain and shot him a look back.

"Well I think it looks great on you," Elpenor chirped, running his fingers through the downy feathers. Julien gasped and shot upright, tucking his knees to his chest while his wings pressed themselves flush against his skin for protection.

"Oh? What's this?"

Asterios never stuck around for long, regardless if he was the cause or not. As soon as laughter filled the air, he was looking for a way out. Don't get him wrong, he loved feeding off the unhinged chaos, but something about it all brought on a hot burning embarrassment and something else he couldn't quite describe.

Fear? Hell no, no way in all of Tartarus was he afraid of fucking child's play such as tickling. Maybe it was more of a fear of rejection? That he wasn't good enough to join their games, so he excludes himself before anyone else could.

Sound logic, but not quite.

Or perhaps it was uncertainty. He had no idea if he was ticklish or not, and he wasn't too keen on finding out. Yes, the others looked like they were having fun, but he had to remind himself that it's all forced and most saw it as a form of punishment and torture. So he wasn't about to let anyone turn him into a giggly little bitch, per his own words. 

He was frozen where he sat, his heart racing as he watched the pair team up against the other demigod. His wings began to tingle and he bit back a whine, shaking his head and pressing them deeper into the mass of curls. He could only imagine how awful that felt, and he did feel somewhat sorry for him. Not sorry enough to go help, mind you, but sorry nonetheless.

Julien kicked his legs out, barking out a laugh when Elpenor scribbled the base of the wing as he tried to climb backwards up the stairs. Asterios felt a shiver run down his spine and a blush spread across his cheeks. Perimedes grabbed his other leg in a headlock and he stood up abruptly, stretching to try and come off as casual before heading to the opposite side of the deck.

"Asterios! Come to help?" Elpenor called out enticingly, countered by the frantic screech of protest from Julien, "No don't!"

Asterios stood still when called, sparing a glance at the trio and wishing he hadn't, embarrassment swirling in his gut. He had to resist the urge to hide behind his wings, knowing he'd never live it down. He played it as cool as he possibly could, snorting in amusement.

"You fuckin' wish." He quickly went on his way, eager to get away from the scene.

"Wait! Hehehelp mehehe!"

Asterios knew better than to look back. If he saw the desperate face that matched the voice, he'd cave and go back to save him. The martyr, who would be thrown to the wolves in his place. No fucking thank you.

"Sorry, but someone's gotta get the work done around here. You have fun though! Maybe try fighting back or something," he called, without so much as a second glance.

Odysseus watched the exchange from where he stood at the wheel, humming thoughtfully. He made note of it for later, the pieces finally falling into place.

~~~

If only he'd known Odysseus was onto him. If only he knew, he would've never gone after him. He should've known better after that first time, when Odysseus shut him down with a piercing glare that bore into his soul. The captain was smart, much smarter than Asterios ever was, and more calculating.

It was a mistake to assume he'd be just as clueless as the rest of them.

It might've also been a mistake to use Eurylochus as a pawn, but he was curious! He just wanted to see if the first mate had a playful bone in his body, to see that stoic demeanor crack when Odysseus inevitably turned the tables.

He was standing underneath the main sail, struggling to reach a dangling rope. Eurylochus watched on with a poorly concealed smirk.

"Need a hand, Captain?"

"No thanks, I'm good," he dismissed the offer, still straining to grab the frayed ends. Eurylochus let out a low chuckle, shaking his head fondly.

"Whatever you say."

Asterios saw the way he smirked, watching the captain from the corner of his eye. It was too tempting not to pass up.

It would be so easy to tickle him right now, he left himself wide open.

He watched the way Eurylochus stiffened, seemingly studying Odysseus and weighing his options.

What the hell, he could use a good laugh.

Making sure he was still distracted, Eurylochus reached up and scribbled against his stretched ribs. He slammed his arms down with a borderline shriek, whipping around to glare at Eurylochus. There was a fire in his eyes and a danger to his smile. Eurylochus balked, unsure why he thought that was a good idea. He knew he wouldn't get away with a stunt like that, and he'd never do that in front of the crew because Odysseus would fucking kill him.

"Did you really just do that?" he asked, a smirk already playing at his lips.

"I'm sorry Sir, I-I don't know what came over me-"

"I do," Odysseus bragged.

Eurylochus arched a brow, standing a little straighter in confusion. "What?"

Suddenly, Odysseus grabbed him by the forearm and tugged him close enough to whisper in his ear, "I'll tell you later. Right now, just play along and laugh. Easy enough?"

"E-excuse me?"

"Sorry, but I have to make an example out of you." In one swift motion, he yanked his arm above his head, spinning them around to pin him against the mast. He adjusted his grip to the other hand before drilling his thumbs in the center of his hollows. Eurylochus threw his head back, lost to bouts of deep, rumbling laughter.

So obviously, he was more than reluctant when the captain called him into his quarters.

Eurylochus knocked on the door hesitantly before testing the knob. It was unlocked, and he stepped inside.

"Captain?"

"Oh good, you're here. Sit down," he gestured to an empty chair as he finished writing something at his desk.

Eurylochus did as he was told. "So, what did you want to speak about? I hope this wasn't a trap," he teased lightly. Odysseus chuckled, shaking his head.

"I can see why you'd think that. But no, unlike some people on this ship, I'm man enough to face a challenge head on."

Eurylochus reeled back, blinking in shock. "Sir?"

"The men have been more rowdy than usual, wouldn't you agree?" Odysseus continued as though he hadn't spoken. Eurylochus inhaled sharply through his nose and exhaled a deep, heavy sigh.

"That's one word for it," he mused.

"And why do you think that is?" Odysseus asked as he crossed his arms over his chest, not quite sitting on his desk, but leaning heavily.

"We've been away from home for years, and we haven't docked in months. Men grow bored," he reasoned. The captain shook his head.

"Men, or man?"

Eurylochus closed his eyes, letting out a tired, "What?"

"I think someone's been pulling a few strings..." This seemed to grab his first mate's attention.

"What?" he repeated, more serious and less exasperated this time. "What are you getting at?" he asked cautiously.

"Just think about it. We have demigods amongst our ranks; we don't even know everything they're capable of."

"You don't think maybe they're just having fun? We're in a war, Odysseus, let them laugh while they can."

"And were you "just having fun" when you pulled your little stunt?" he questioned smugly, cocking his head expectantly as Eurylochus snapped his mouth shut. "Or did an enticing little voice in your head make the suggestion?"

He gasped, staring at Odysseus in shock. "How did you-"

"I'm an observant guy," he said, cutting him off.

"So... who do you think is responsible?"

"Asterios, there's no doubt in my mind."

"The quiet one?" Eurylochus arched a brow. "Why?"

"He's the son of Eris."

"And that makes him guilty?"

Odysseus huffed and rolled his eyes. "No, everything else does. That just explains how he's able to do it."

Eurylochus leaned back in the chair, "Everything else?"

"You ever notice how he never sticks around to watch? But he's got this sly, smug look the whole time. And after a particularly hectic day, he gets stronger. Remember when he beat you at arm wrestling?"

"Don't remind me."

"I think he gets stronger afterwards. It would explain why he's suddenly so helpful around the ship."

"You've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?"

"I know I'm right about this."

"You better be, because you'll make an ass out of yourself if you're wrong."

"When have I ever been wrong?" Eurylochus opened his mouth to speak, but Odysseus cut him off, "Don't answer that."

The first mate mulled it over in his mind. ""Why are you so sure that anyone is behind this?"

"Because I know you well enough to know you'd never try and get me in front of the whole crew. You're smarter than that."

"Thank you?"

"But it felt irresistible, didn't it? The need to cause chaos? I felt it too, when I got Polites a while back."

"Which time?" he teased. Odysseus narrowed his eyes.

"With Elpenor."

"Yeah, which time?" he repeated tauntingly. Odysseys laughed and shoved his shoulder playfully.

"Oh shut up! Maybe it's not always his fault, but it's more often than you'd think."

Eurylochus sighed. "So? What are you gonna do about it?" A sinister grin slowly spread across the captain's face.

"Alright, so here's what I'm thinking..."

~~~

It was a day like any other, and Asterios had no reason to feel on edge. He sat with Leander and Plutarch, idly carving hunks of wood and brushing the shavings underneath the railing when the pile grew too high.

He was trying to carve a figurine of Cetus. Growing up, he had always been enamored with the sea monster constellation, and when his true parentage came to light, it made sense. Eris explained to him that the creatures in the sky were her pets, and Cetus had always been one of her favorites. She even said that when she would check in on him, Cetus would be watching from over her shoulder.

A fairytale to tell her child. If she wanted to fill his head with stories, she should've done so a long time ago. Yet, he found comfort in the presumed lie, and he didn't know what else to carve. Maybe if they really did watch him, this would make them happy.

Was he fucking carving this to impress his mother? He shook the thought out of his head.

He didn't pay much attention when the captain walked up from below deck. That is, until he called his name.

"Asterios, a word?"

He didn't sound... angry, but there was a dangerous edge hiding beneath his words. Asterios held his breath, not daring to move an inch.

"Yes?"

"Relax, I just want to talk."

That was never a good sign, and Leander and Plutarch were already exchanging curious glances. Fuck.

"Come, walk with me," Odysseus invited with a deceptively warm smile. Asterios didn't answer for a long moment before he caved.

"Yes Sir. No one touch my fucking carving," he threatened as he stood, brushing himself off. He followed the captain, trying to ignore the looks he received. He still saw the way Elpenor mouthed the words "you're in trouble," and he looked away, feeling heat rise to his cheeks.

Gods, did he have to take him all the way to the front of the ship? Yes they were "alone," but everyone could see him inevitably get chewed out and overhear every word.

"May I ask what this is about? Have I done anything wrong, Sir?"

"Oh I think you know exactly what this is about."

Shit. Asterios began to panic, but outwardly played dump.

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

This felt like a game, and he didn't like his odds of winning.

"Tell you what?" he asked hesitantly.

"I'm mostly just curious in how you did it. I can get the why, I just can't understand the how."

Asterios furrowed his brows, tilting his head in confusion. "Captain? Are you feeling okay?" He asked, playing up his concern for his wellbeing. Odysseus glared at him as he spoke.

"I'm fine-"

"Okay, because for a minute there, you were talking like you drank sea water or something- ow!" Asterios rubbed the back of his head where Odysseus smacked him.

"Now, you ready to listen?" he asked, waiting for him to nod. "Good. Because I'm not mad, I just want you to own up to it, okay?"

Asterios's heart pounded in his chest, but he remained still. "There's nothing to own up to," he lied. Odysseus sighed, shaking his head.

"You sure you don't just wanna do things the easy way? I'm serious about not being mad, I honestly thought it was kinda funny."

Asterios whipped his head over to look at him.

"Thought what was funny?" Asterios held firm to the act. He already came this far, backing down now would be a death sentence.

"Okay, don't say I didn't warn you." Odysseus cupped his hands around his mouth, taking a deep breath to shout across the deck.

"Wait!" Asterios cried, unsure of what he was about to say and took his last chance to explain. Odysseus lowered his arms with a proud grin. "Just- let me explain."

"Oh, please do."

Asterios looked around for any chance at escape, but both Eurylochus and Polites stood nearby on either side of the railing, clearly ready to grab him if he tried to run. Polites noticed him staring and he flashed a bright smile, waving at him with wiggling fingers. Asterios glared at him, cheeks dusted pink and jaw clenched tightly.

He flinched when Odysseus snapped his fingers in front of his face to get his attention. "Hey, your captain's speaking to you."

"Yes Sir?"

"I said I'm waiting."

Oh, what an asshole.

Asterios glared at him as he spoke, "Well, as you know, I'm a son of Eris-"

"Mhm," Odysseus hummed and nodded along, leaning against the railing casually. Asterios fought back a sneer.

"Since I was a child, I noticed people tend to fight in my presence. I've learned to control it somewhat, so that the crew wouldn't be at each other's throats," he explained, not quite looking Odysseus in the eye.

"Oh, so you're doing this for our benefit." Something about his tone set Asterios off, and he took a step back.

Odysseus was having fun toying with him. The look on his face alone was priceless; eyes wide and mouth hung open in shock, and he could see the feathers of his wings bristling beneath his hair.

"Yes?"

Odysseus grinned so wide, it nearly split his face in two. "In that case, let's go tell the crew what you so kindly did for them."

"What- no! You can't! Just fuckin' wait!"

Asterios physically felt the color drain from his face, the panic beginning to set in. Fuck, why was he telling everyone? Why couldn't he just chew him out in private, why did it have to be this public hanging of character? He would've preferred if Odysseys just drug him below deck and beat the shit out of him for daring to step out of line. That way, he could at least lick his wounds in private. Was he going to have to fight the captain in front of everyone? His mind was a whirlwind, and he couldn't keep up.

His frantic protests were ignored as the captain called his crew, "Hey everyone, Asterios has something he'd like to say."

"Shut up, no I don't!" Asterios hissed.

"That's no way to speak to the captain," Eurylochus warned, but he didn't have his usual stone cold expression, and his tone was lighthearted, almost teasing. Asterios didn't know if that made it worse or not.

Oh Gods, everyone was looking at him now, and his only chance at escape would be to throw himself overboard. He bit his tongue and stood there, completely still. Incomprehensible whispers murmured through the crowd as he just stood there, balking like a dead fish. If Odysseus wanted to humiliate him, he'd done it. But he knew this was nothing compared to whatever was to come.

"Asterios? You okay?" Leander asked, stepping closer to check on his friend. Odysseus held up a hand to stop him from getting any closer.

"Oh he's fine, just a bit shy. Aren't you bud?" he asked, slinging an arm around his shoulders. Asterios visibly stiffened and flinched away.

"Don't make me do this," he whispered, barely audible. Odysseus chuckled lowly directly in his ear, "Too late to back out now."

"Well can he get on with it? I got shit to do," Perimedes spoke up from the crowd.

"Oh I think you'll wanna hear this. But seeing as our friend is a little tongue tied, I guess I'll help explain."

Asterios felt like he was going to die. He certainly wanted to. Maybe if he wished hard enough, he could just fade from existence. His lips were pressed in a thin line and wide eyes stared at the floorboards on the deck to avoid meeting anyone’s gaze. His cheeks were steadily growing a bright pink, and his breath came slow and deep as he fought to remain calm.

Odysseus must've sensed his growing panic and was quick to try and put him at ease. A moot effort, seeing as he got him so worked up.

He squeezed his shoulder and shook him gently to loosen him up, a hearty chuckle slipping out. "Relax, will you?" he teased, enjoying stretching this out. "You're not in trouble."

"It sure seems like I am, Sir."

"What? Noooo, that wasn't my intention at all!" he feigned innocence, smirking when Asterios rolled his eyes.

"Trouble? What did he do now?" Elpenor snorted in amusement.

"What didn't he do?" he mused aloud, launching into his speech. "I'm sure you've all noticed a lot more pranks, tickle fights, and general mischief. Just this time last week, an actual food fight broke out in the mess hall. And you all have this little puppet master to thank for it," he proudly exclaimed, reaching up to ruffle his hair teasingly.

Asterios could only stand there and watch it happen. His face was burning, and he's positive he's never felt more mortified. He could hear confused voices murmur among the crowd, but his ears were ringing, and he couldn't fucking move, could barely breathe. It was like he wasn't even in control of his body.

He caught a sympathetic look from Leander, silently mouthing the words, "help me," but Leander only gave a subtle shake of the head from where he stood. He caught a glimpse of Perimedes and Elpenor peaking out from behind Polites, and all three of them looked ready to pounce.

"So wasn't there something you wanted to say to everyone?" Odysseus prompted, snapping him out of his daze.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled, eyes darting up to look at the crowd before adverting his gaze.

"No, that's not it!"

Asterios furrowed his brows, "What? I-I thought-"

"You were going to say you're welcome," he corrected ever so helpfully.

Asterios could only stand there as Odysseus shook him by the shoulders once more, trying to get him to just relax, as if he wasn’t actively digging his grave. He remained tense, and the movement was awkward and jerky. He continued to look down at his feet, scared of what he'd see if he looked out at the small crowd gathered on the deck. Harsh glares with hateful sneers, knowing looks accompanied by a teasing smirk; he didn't know which would be worse.

He chanced a glance up and realized that the second option was much worse.

"So why don't you tell him how thankful you all are."

He tried to protest, to question what he meant, but suddenly the arm around his shoulders wrapped around his throat like a vice and slammed him backwards, onto the deck. He fought against him with everything he had.

"Fuckin'- let me go! I said I'm sorry!" he yelled frantically, flailing about to keep his limbs free. His panic grew when he saw Polites skip over and pin down his legs. Okay, maybe he didn't actually skip, but he might as well have, the smug bastard.

"Relax will you? We're just gonna give you a taste of your own medicine. You can handle a little tickling, can't you?"

"Nah, he looks like a screamer," Elpenor teased, walking up with Perimedes. Asterios blushed an ungodly shade of red because Elpenor of all people did not just fucking say that about him.

"Said the screamer!" he lamely shot back, wiggling his arms free from under the captain's knees where he was pinning him before continuing to fight for his freedom.

"Think I'll like you way better when you can't talk. Eurylochus? Mind making yourself useful and get his arms?" Perimedes asked, making a show of cracking his knuckles. He swore as Eurylochus wrestled his arms above his head, glaring daggers at the first mate.

He jumped when he felt someone sit down beside him, sighing in relief when it was only Leander.

"Leander, thank the Gods! You gotta help me, they're gonna kill me!" The smirk he got in return made his heart sink.

"On the contrary, I think a little laughter and fun will do you some good!"

"You asshole, you think this is fun?" he growled. He got a much more enthusiastic agreement than he expected, prompting his blush to spread. He closed his eyes, muttering, "Zeus, just kill me now."

"Oh don't be so dramatic," Odysseus rolled his eyes and poked his belly, earning a harsh twitch and a yelp. "Just tell us where you're ticklish, and this can all be over a lot sooner."

Asterios felt panic course through him, and he bristled. "I don't know!" he rushed out before he could think better of it.

Odysseus studied him with an amused look before the smile dropped, ever so slightly. "Holy shit, you're serious aren't you?"

Asterios stared at him wordlessly, mouth gaping open though no sound escaped.

"Aaaw, now we just have to tickle him!"

"Shut the FUCK up Polites, I swear I'll- mph!" Asterios clamped his mouth shut in the middle of his sentence as Polites began softly tracing his arches.

"I'm sorry, you were saying?" he asked innocently, scratching blunt nails against delicate skin. He squeaked and tried to jerk his feet away,

But they remained trapped. His chest shook as he fought to contain his mirth.

A shy giggle slipped out when Leander began poking between his ribs. He jerked away with each touch, squealing when he suddenly pressed into an awaiting hand in his other side. He looked over to see Plutarch smirking down at him.

"You're both trahahaitors! Hehehey wahait!" he cried out when they each attacked his ribs with a flurry of pokes. A sudden electric sensation at his knees had him kicking the deck and snorting. Whoever the hell had gotten ahold of his knees was a fucking deadman-

"Ha! I knew you'd snort if I did that!" Perimedes bragged, and of course it just had to be him. He swears he's gonna rip out his fucking tongue-

"I'm sorry, you're gonna what?" he growled, resting his hands atop his knees threateningly, making him flinch.

Asterios froze, closing his eyes because he couldn't bring himself to look at any of these assholes. "Please tell me I at least said that out loud?" The rest of the crew watched on in confusion,  glancing between the two.

Perimedes shook his head, sporting a downright sinister grin. "No, I'm afraid you didn't." And then he started squeezing his knees relentlessly, sending him into a fit of snorting cackles and shrieks. He continued to berate him, "So that's how you fuckin' do it? Get inside our heads with our own thoughts? Wonder what else we'll hear when we really get you going."

Asterios screamed when he scratched the backs of his knees, nearly kicking Polites off from where he sat on his ankles.

"Wait, let me ask something," he could hear Elpenor's voice, too close for comfort, and opened his eyes to see him sitting beside Eurylochus with a smile of his own. The horrible feeling at his knees stopped and he caught his breath in between shaky residual giggles.

"So was the wet blanket prank even my idea?" Elpenor asked, leaning in a little closer. A sly, proud smirk tugged at his lips as he remembered that one. Elpenor had gathered everyone's bedding in a barrel filled with sea water and snuck the wet sheets back into everyone's rooms, making their bed with unpleasantly damp covers.

His prolonged silence and sheepish grin told him everything he needed to know.

"I was proud of that one, you bastard!" he growled, digging into his exposed pits without mercy. He barked out a loud, wheezing laugh and felt his face burn hot with embarrassment at the sound. He tugged on his arms, but he was thoroughly trapped. He wanted to die, he sure felt like he was, and he needed to escape- or hide at the very least. It was pure reflex, to snap his wings tight over his face to conceal his blushing cheeks and tearful eyes.

As he expected, there was an uproar of teasing and laughter from his tormentors and their audience.

"Aaaaww, that was so cute!"

"He can't run, but I guess he can hide!"

"What's the matter? Is someone a little embarrassed?"

Oh, so they wanted to just straight up humiliate him to death. Decimate the carefully crafted persona he'd built for himself, and leave what was left of his dignity and sanity in shreds across the deck. He'd never be able to show his face again! He certainly wouldn't be leaving his room anytime soon, and if they thought he was gonna be nice to them after this-

Elpenor grabbed one wing and gently pried it back, chuckling at the downright terrified, flustered look on his face. "Why d'you look so scared? Just relaaaax, we're all having fun," he cooed tauntingly.

Asterios scoffed, "No, you're having fun!" He'd fucking kill him for even insinuating-

"I don't know, you sound pretty happy to me," Leander spoke up with that dopey ass grin he always wore. Okay, so he'd kill both of them.

"Thanks, didn't fuckin' ahahask," he growled, breaking off in breathless snickers as Leander pinched each rib.

"That wasn't very nice," he teased, laughing along with his friend's torment, wiggling a finger between the bone. Asterios snorted and jerked away, right into Plutarch's waiting hands on his other side. And the dance repeated.

Polites noticed Aridolis lingering closer ever so slowly and smiled, waving him over. “Wanna give me a hand?” he offered, focusing all of his efforts on one foot to make room for him.

Ari immediately perked up at the offer, sitting on the ground facing him. All the while, Asterios continued to thrash and yell out threats.

“NO! Ari Ihihi swear toho thehehe Gods, i-if you lahahay aha hand on mehehe I’ll kihihill you ihin your sleep!” he growled through shrill giggles. He heard a few of them chuckling at him, and he wanted to die. If he were being honest, Tartarus would be better than this.

“Mmm, I don’t think so,” Ari hummed as he joined the fray, raking sharp claws up and down his sole. Asterios was once again thrown into hysterics.

Elpenor still hadn't let go of his wing, and it twitched, trying to tuck itself against his head for safety. The movement didn't go unnoticed, and he smirked as he rubbed the soft feathers between his fingers. Asterios let out a shrill shriek, and the wing immediately snapped back, nestling under the hair behind his ear. He couldn't help but giggle at him.

"Aw, are you winking at me?" Elpenor asked and shot him a wink in return. Asterios turned a darker shade of pink and let out an annoyed huff, tucking the other wing away angrily. "Oh come on, you're no fun," he teased, grabbing one wing and prying it open.

Asterios shook his head, giggly pleas falling from his lips. "Dohohon't you dare! Elpenor, please!"  He tried to scrunch his neck and lean away, flap his wings, anything to get away.

"Oh these are a really bad spot, aren't they?" he taunted, wiggling his fingers closer. Asterios flinched away with a nervous giggle.

"They must be, if they got him acting like that," Odysseus added.

"I'm sure they are. Remember how bad Julien screamed? Let's make this asshole scream even louder," Perimedes cracked his knuckles as he spoke, and Asterios slammed his head against the deck in defeat.

"Can you at least have the decency to kill me in silence?" he growled, hiding half his face with his free wing, unable to look at them for another second.

"How can you still be so damn grumpy?" Polites asked, scribbling beneath his toes and earning a deafening shriek. Amputation sounded pretty fuckin' good right about now.

Polites gasped, letting out a laugh of his own. "Oh you are SO dramatic! You should hear him Ody, he's worse than you!"

"Oh I heard it that time," Odysseus taunted with a playful edge to his voice. He leaned in closer to whisper, "What's the matter? Thoughts going haywire? Can't keep a grip on your powers? That's too bad."

Asterios could only squeal and giggle hysterically as Elpenor pinched and rubbed the wing between his fingers. He snorted and arched his back when he scratched at the base, feathers ruffled and twitching with every touch.

"SOHOHOMEONE FUCKING HEHEHELP!" he demanded through a screaming laugh. Julien stepped forward with an amused grin, squatting down to better look Asterios in the eye.

"Sorry, but what makes you think you deserve it? I mean, maybe if you would've helped me back when I needed it..."

The irony was not lost on him. This was some kind of cruel, poetic justice for not helping his fellow demigod from a fate clearly worse than death. He should've saved him, if only to have someone on his side when the time came. But he was so arrogant, so sure that it could never happen to him...

"Shihit, I'm sohohorry, ohokahay? I-I should've hehelped when I hahahad thehe chance!" he pleaded.

"Yeah, you should've. But you have fun though! Maybe try fighting back or something," Julien repeated his words to him, rubbing salt in the wound. But in this case, it felt more like sugar; sickeningly sweet and sticking to his skin in an unbearable manner. The tickling also left him more dazed and jittery than any sugar rush ever could.

Asterios shook his head, begging him not to do this before he grabbed his other wing. He squealed loudly when they both attacked the base of the wings with quick scratches and soft squeezes. He snorted loudly, unable to even shake his head as they held his wings in place.

Surely, anything would be better than this  strange, unusual torture, this public humiliation. This downright defamation of character. Lesson learned. He'll swear off his powers if he makes it out of this alive.

Even in his frantic state, he tried to hold these thoughts close. But Odysseus had quietly been studying him, and the words found purchase in his mind. Did he really think they were doing this just to humiliate him? That they weren't  his brothers, dragging him into a game he himself started? That they would only care about revenge, and not the absolutely adorable sounds he was making, or the lopsided grin on his face? He'd have to make sure to set the record straight. In private though, he knew better than to call him out... again.

Meanwhile Elpenor and Julien sent him into a fit of hysterical giggles with the attention given to his wings. He snorted in between shrill snickers, blushing profusely and shaking his head. He heard Elpenor gasp and felt a poke to his cheek.

"By the Gods, you have dimples? Why didn't you tell us? You look so cuuuuuute!"

"Whahat? Nohoho I don't!" Asterios cried out in confusion between bouts of laughter. It's a good thing he couldn't fucking think, because otherwise he'd be downright spiraling after that comment. But even in his delirious state, he knew it was nothing more than playful teasing. Elpenor doesn't actually think he's cute, he's just trying to get a rise out of him. Don't listen to him.

"Uh, yeah you do."

"Poor thing, didn't even know he had dimples," Odysseus added mockingly, also deciding to poke his cheek.

Polites twisted around and leaned back to look, "Aw, I wanna see!"

"Just shut uhuhup! P-plehehease! Hehehelp mehehe!" he desperately cried out for anyone to take pity on him. He thought maybe he had a chance when he locked eyes with Sage, but the medic merely shrugged and offered a sheepish, not very sympathetic, grin.

In all the time they've been away from home, it had been a rare sight to see Asterios so much as smile. It was even more rare to hear a genuine laugh from the demigod, so they were going to take advantage of the sight while they could.

But they were rather mean in their attack, and Asterios quite literally couldn't even remember the last time he'd been tickled, so he finally bid his dignity farewell and threw in the towel.

"Ohohokay- OKAHAY! Please, you wihihin! Ihihi'm sorry! IHI'M SOHOHORRY! OHO FUHUCK YOU, STOHOHOP!" His giggly begging turned to screaming pleas for mercy when Elpenor decided to blow a raspberry at the base of his wing right as he decided to talk. Odysseus held a hand up, signaling them all to stop.

They let him go and he immediately curled into a giggly ball, tucking his arms and legs as close to him as he could. His wings were plastered to his blushing face, a bright smile just barely peaking out from under them. Residual giggles escaped as he slowly caught his breath, interrupted by the occasional hiccup.

"I ha- hic- hate all of you," he panted. Perimedes couldn't help but let out a condescending chuckle when he hiccuped.

"Now I think that was more than fair given the circumstances," Odysseus reasoned. Asterios lifted a wing to glare at him with one eye.

"That assault was a- hic- anything but fair!" Elpenor was unable to hold back his own laughter that time. Asterios silently cursed himself and tried to steady his breathing.

"Neither is using us as your little chaos puppets."

Asterios couldn't help but smirk, a sly chuckle slipping out. "Chaos puppets. I like that." The smile dropped from his face as he continued, "But uh, you guys won't have to worry about that anymore. Think I learned my lesson."

"Yeah, next time you wanna start a tickle fight, man up and do it yourself," Perimedes taunted, prompting Asterios to growl and kick at him, stronger than he really intended. But it's Perimedes, so he didn't feel too bad about it. Especially after that.

Asterios huffed, feeling his cheeks heat up ever so slightly. "I didn't want to start anything, that was the whole point of using you guys," he deadpanned, fighting the lingering smile on his face to glare at him.

"And how did that work out?" Polites asked smugly, propping his chin on Odysseus's shoulder from behind. Asterios blinked in surprise, not expecting him of all people to continue ragging on him. He grinned wider, flashing all his teeth, "Told you I'd get you."

"Yeah, and you look real proud too, smug bastard." His comment made them chuckle, and he found himself unable to stop smiling. But everyone was staring at him, smiling and whispering, and he still felt like he wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

Leander reached out to help him stand, but Asterios shoved him away. "Don't fuckin' touch me, asshole."

"Oh come on, don't be like that," he whined. Asterios sneered at him and stormed off to his room, ignoring the smirks, quiet snickers and teasing remarks tossed his way.

Yeah, he wasn't gonna leave his quarters for a week.

He shut the door, flopping face first onto the thin mattress. That had been horrible, unlike anything he'd ever been forced to endure. The worst part of it all was the embarrassment. At least the feeling stopped once they did, but the shame lingered thick and heavy. The sounds he made... No one would take him seriously ever again.

He tried to sleep, but found it surprisingly difficult. In fact, he felt wide awake, jittery, energized. It felt just like when he would stir up trouble on the ship, only... stronger.

Oh fuck them to Hades and back. He did not just get a power trip from... from that! He still wasn't completely sure how his powers worked, but he refused to believe it. He had to draw a line somewhere.

A sharp knock at the door startled him out of his thoughts.

Just great. Who the hell could that be, and didn't they know how to take a fucking hint?

"Get lost."

"It's me."

Asterios turned on his heels, eyes wide and staring at the door.

That motherfucker-

He marched to the door, swinging it open. He glared down at the captain, arms crossed, "Didn't you get enough?"

"I came to check up on you. You okay?" he asked, at least sounding genuine. Asterios snorted and leaned against the doorframe, subtly blocking him from entering.

"Yeah, no thanks to you assholes."

"You've had it coming for a long time, and you know it," he teased lightly. Asterios arched a brow, clearly unamused. Odysseus looked him up and down with a fond smirk. "So can I come in?"

Asterios barked out a loud, condescending laugh, "No."

"I brought a peace offering," he added, holding up a cup of wine. Asterios glared at him for a moment before accepting the cup, stepping aside to let him in.

Once the door was shut, the captain turned to face him, "Seriously though, I wanted to make sure you're okay. I know some of the guys can get a little carried away."

"Don't act like you're not one of them," Asterios shot back, sitting on the edge of his bed. Odysseus chuckled and shook his head.

"Yeah, I'll admit, I can go a little overboard," he chuckled, and Asterios rolled his eyes. "But you're not like, actually mad at us, are you?"

"What? No," Asterios was quick to answer. "No, it's not that." He was definitely feeling some type of way after that, but he didn't think it was anger. He was used to furry and rage, but this was something else entirely. It didn't feel great, but it wasn't entirely unpleasant either. Not that he'd tell him. It was confusing, treading these unfamiliar waters of, dare he say, friendship.

Odysseus softened, seeming to recognize his struggle. "It can be a little overwhelming, can't it?"

"That's an understatement."

"Heh, yeah. But, you'll get used to it," he said with a wink. Asterios froze.

"No I won't."

"Eh, you will. You're fair game now."

"I am not!" he half growled, half whined.

"What? I'm just being honest. Running away from tickle fights won't work forever."

Asterios stared at him, stuttering for an excuse, "Wha- I- no I don't!"

"Yeah, you just magically disappear when one breaks out, isn't that convenient?"

"If I knew it was just gonna be more of this, I would've just taken the wine and slammed the door in your face."

"So you don't deny it?" he goaded, tongue poking out between his teeth in a cheeky grin.

"It's embarrassing, what the hell do you want from me?" he snapped.

"Hey, I get it. But I'm just saying, you're not as subtle as you think. And, I don't know, maybe Perimedes had a point."

"Excuse me?" Asterios gripped the cup so hard, his knuckles turned white and he was staring at Odysseus like a trapped wolf: angry, scared and cornered.

Odysseus knew he had to tread carefully. He took a deep breath, bracing himself. "Sorry if this seems blunt, but were you just too shy to include yourself? That's why you made us do it, isn't it?" He knew from the look on the demigod's face that he was right.

"I'd shut the fuck up if I were you."

"I'm right though, aren't I?" he asked, cocking his head to the side curiously.

Asterios glared at him as he spoke, chest heaving with every nervous breath he took. He took a step forward, trying to appear threatening. "If you tell anyone-"

"I won't."

Asterios seemed to relax. "Good. Thank you." He adverted his gaze and took a sip of wine to busy himself.

"Don't mention it." He gave his shoulder a pat as he left, not commenting on the way Asterios flinched at the touch. He paused at the doorway, looking over his shoulder. "Oh, and Asterios?"

"Yeah?"

"You're our brother now. We care about you. And sometimes, that looks a lot like bullying."

Asterios broke out in a timid grin. "Yeah, I think I'm figuring that out."

Odysseus gave a nod before letting himself out.

Asterios fell back on the bed, sighing deeply. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all...

He'd always been a little bit dramatic.

[spaceorphan18]

Ranking the Bridgerton Books

Well. I have finished all eight novels in Julia Quinn's Bridgerton series (yes - I know there are a bunch of spin-offs, and that's great -- I have no desire to read those.) And of course, I have thoughts...

Before I jump into the rankings, though, I a few overall thoughts... I liked the series much more than I thought I would. Look, I'm rarely a romance reader, and really have no desire to read most historical fiction. But these books aren't as bad as I feared they would be. They're fun and light and you could probably read them all over the course of a week if you were dedicated to it. I don't know that there's anything (to me) that makes them really stand out, but other than being rather dated, and depicting some historical-ish things, I don't think there is anything too offensive about them, either.

I also... don't love Julia Quinn's writing style. These books -- are literally all the same structure of book. Some of the plot details, and the character tropes are different. But if you read one, you've read all of them, so you either have to get on board with that, or not. I also have to quibbles with the writing -- first of all, the men, omg, are usually pretty terrible. Most of the time they're prone to anger and they're just kind of asshats all the way around. The second thing is a writer-y thing. Quinn lets a scene go on and on and on for way too long without really doing anything, which caused the books to drag a bit. These books could have worked at half length, but ah well.

I think also, one thing that I wrestled with throughout, is that I think my favorite aspect of all the books -- was more about the Bridgertons as a family, and sibling dynamics, etc, than the actual romances. I don't know if any of the actual romances really worked for me, ultimately. None of them moved me emotionally the way I think they were supposed to. And that's fine. (No, I don't have a heart of stone - I just relate to romance stories in a different way than these books are presented, I suppose.) Idk - this thought may get another post.

That all said... The thing about ranking these is this -- all of it is incredibly subjective. Because I think the fact that they all use such different tropes, everyone is going to feel differently towards each book? And some things are going to resonate with certain people, while other people are going to enjoy aspects of other books? So - this is just tuned into my own tastes, and less about looking at how the books were written (because, honestly -- I'd rate them pretty much all at the same level) and more about how I felt when reading them.

8. When He Was Wicked (Francesca and Michael)

I know, I know, I know I'm starting off with a controversial choice. When I was looking into the books, there were so many people who put this near and at the top. And I do get it -- this might be the most solid love story of the bunch; Michael is one of the best leads in that he is the least problematic, this book definitely has the spiciest smutty scenes, and their arc to each other probably makes the most sense.

But my god, did I find this book utterly boring. Here's the thing -- a lot of this book is tied up with death, grieving, hurt, and comfort. There's a lot of tragedy in Francesca's story -- and I these kind of thematic elements resonate with a lot of readers, and I get that! It's just not for me. They aren't the tropes I seek out when reading romance, and I didn't find myself caring all that much.

Add to that the fact that Francesca probably has the least connection to her family, and Michael's yearning just doesn't do it for me as it does other people, and this book just doesn't work (for me). So, it's at the bottom.

7. The Duke and I (Daphne and Simon)

I was actually pleasantly surprised when I read the book that I didn't hate it, because (and I'm so sorry) I don't really love their romance on the screen. With the exception of the incredibly problematic moments (you know which ones...) this book is by no means bad. I just found it, like When He Was Wicked, a bit boring at times. (I don't think it helps that I've seen the show enough times that I know the plot pretty well, and this book is adapted rather well for the show.)

My biggest issue is that Daphne is a rather blank slate -- ready for you to fill her in with your own experiences because she is almost a stand in for the reader more so than an actual character. And Simon is going to kick off a long line of male characters who have daddy and anger issues. But it also is the book that feels the most historical? I felt like we were in Regency England -- as opposed to pretty much all the rest of them feeling like generically historical.

Again, it's decently written for what it is, just feels a bit bland, which is why it's near the bottom.

6. To Sir Phillip, With Love (Eloise and Phillip)

I honestly expected to hate this book based on its reputation for being at the bottom or nearly at the bottom of every rankings list I sought out before I jumped into these. And... I didn't hate it. Is it the worst written one? Probably. Is Phillip Crane just a terrible person? Oh, absolutely. Is it hard to go to this Eloise after loving show Eloise so dearly? You bet!

But I didn't hate it -- and, even if there are definitely elements that are truly terrible, it kept me more engaged than the previous two books. I read somewhere recently that this book is also, kinda, a Beauty and the Beast retelling and I'm like -- huh, that makes a lot of sense. I can totally see it.

This book gets bumped up, also, for having one of my favorite sequences in the entirety of the series -- when Eloise's four brothers end up showing up at Phillip's doorstep to defend their sister. It's kind of hilarious, and as someone who really likes the sibling dynamics of these books, really works for me.

There's actually some fun things going on in this book... if you can overlook some of the more problematic aspects of it (and yes, it definitely has a lot of those, which is why it's near the bottom.)

5. An Offer From A Gentleman (Benedict and Sophie)

Hey, it's the Cinderella story -- and my god, it's literally Cinderella... in the first third of the book. And you know, I actually did like the first half of this book pretty well. I think Sophie is probably one of the sweetest characters in these books. And I think the story, overall, hangs together pretty well.

Which is why I have it here in the middle. The unfortunate thing is that half way through, things take a real turn, and Benedict -- who is mostly a blank slate at best up until this point -- becomes possibly one of the worst male characters in any of these books. He's raging and possessive and is just kind of a jerk, which makes the second half of the book unpleasant to read.

Which is a real shame, because I think I like the overall ideas in the book; the fairy tale angle, My Cottage, the fact that Sophie starts working for the Bridgertons... there are a lot of really good and interesting plot points going on, and the only real thing weighing it down is the fact that Benedict is an asshat...

4. On The Way To The Wedding (Gregory and Lucy)

It is kind of funny that this book ends up as high as it does, because it's almost by default. I struggled with the first half of this book. Really, I did. It suffers from being somewhat bland and boring in the way the bottom two books on this list suffer. But man that second half...

It's just kind of a bonkers wild ride that throws everything at the wall. There's actually some action going on (other than sexual, these books don't see a whole lot of action) and the characters become a bit wacky. Maybe that's due to Quinn being at the end of the line with this series, but man, I appreciate these characters kind of breaking out of their expected molds.

And Gregory and Lucy are likable enough. I don't know if I fully buy their romance, Gregory switches on a dime from one girl to the next, but honestly, they're more enjoyable to spend time with than many of the other couples on this list, so I'll take it.

3. The Viscount Who Loved Me (Anthony and Kate)

You know, I toyed with this being number one for a while, and I honestly see why it often tops a lot of lists. It really was a fun book to read -- the whole enemies to lovers, Taming of the Shrew stuff really works. Plus, both Kate and Anthony are well drawn, engaging and interesting characters. I think some of the best actual character of the series work is done in this novel, and it might be the romance I think works the best? (Kind of? I think it might be the romance that Quinn manages to portray the best? idk...) Plus, the story just remains engaging all the way through.

I also think this is some of the most fun, broader world stuff going on. The sibling dynamics are great, the pall mall stuff is a lot of fun, they get the best second epilogue when the family gets together again, and there's some great stuff with Penelope!

I guess what's holding me back from actually placing it on top is the fact that I wasn't a huge fan of the last third(-ish) of the novel. The way they're forced into marriage is just kind of dumb (seriously - no one would believe the bee sting?) and it just felt like Anthony took a little too long to settle into his marriage.

But this book is really good -- and if I were to recommend only one book to new fans, it'd probably be this one.

2. Romancing Mister Bridgerton (Colin and Penelope)

I've really had to sit and think about this one, and have been back and fourth about its placement for a long while. And... it kind of comes down to this...

Penelope is one of the best characters in this whole series (even if she really is only in the first four books). She just is; and I really love her and her story and despite the fact that I have issues with this book (and my god, I have issues with this book) I think my love for her as a character kind of transcends that. The Lady Whistledown stuff, too, remains one of the most interesting elements of these books (and it's a damn shame it disappears after this book). And that is why I have this one so high.

Because, my god Colin. Okay. So here's the thing that really hurts, though --- Colin in every other book I absolutely adore. I really do, he's hilarious and charming and fun and a good guy. And the problem in his own book is that Quinn tries to force him from being the easy going, fun one into crazy angry guy like Simon, Anthony, and Benedict before him -- and it makes him come off as a mentally unstable asshat as he swings between those two character types, and I think with better characterization, had Colin not swung so hard in that angry direction, I would have fully loved this book.

I would have even said this is a great book.

So, I don't know, maybe I love the possibility of this book more than the actual book itself, maybe I just have fallen in love with the characters so much in the last four months I'm giving this one a pass, maybe because I like the characters outside this book, too, that I'm giving it some room, but I just feel it goes here. And, i mean, there truly is a lot I do like about the book, too, don't get me wrong. but it's not perfect, it's not the best, and I get that. But it means something to me, and I suppose that's what matters.

1. It's In His Kiss (Hyacinth and Gareth)

Hyacinth is a goddamn delight, and this was the only book of the series that I truly enjoyed the whole way through.

And I think, in a way kind of opposite of Francesca's book, there are a bunch of tropes all working together that are a bunch of my favorite tropes. It's a funny book -- Hyacinth is a true joy in pretty much all the books she is in, and she gets to be fun and banter-y here with Gareth. This book is a comedy, in some ways, and that's great. She and Gareth go on sleuthing and solving mysteries together, which of course I love. And the two of them fall in love as they become friends and grow closer together through the shared interest of the mystery. And I mean, yeah, I am here for all of that.

Like all of these books, it's not perfect -- Gareth suffers (on a milder level) of the angry, daddy issue male lead thing. And there are times when I'm like, good god, Julia Quinn, why....

But after really thinking about it, and thinking about which books I'd really like to have and/or read again, this one just kept bubbling back up the list. Because besides RMB, this is, possibly, the only one I have a desire to read again. Because it was a delight.

And... there we go! All the Bridgerton Books Ranked. :)

[livingfictionsystem]

BOOK REVIEW: 4/5

Alright, we're back with one of the most aggressively queer writers I've been keeping an eye on. I had a lot of thoughts about this book, so we'll get down to it.

First of all, a very visceral novel about queer solidarity in the face of oppression. I ADORED Daphne and I learned to love Mary. If you're a fan of queer RAGE, this is a very satisfying read. LGBTQIA+ representation is what this author excels in. Lesbians, pansexuals, trans people, autism. The thing with AJW, I occasionally find myself annoyed with how often their first-person protagonist stops and explains dysphoria, transness, and autism to the audience. But I also realize that they're probably trying to explain this to cis and neurotypical people who are likely not familiar, so while it annoys me, I've learned not to fault it.

That being said, welcome to Trauma Fest 2023! If you have a trigger, it's likely to be hit. White tends to include a list of trigger warnings, which is lovely, and also warns you that they're a fan of gore. And I mean, G-O-R-E.

I don't consider myself having a weak stomach in regards to books, but White's descriptions can even leave me gagging. That's not a complaint, by the way, I'm just impressed. I love the way emotions are described---seeing the world through a stressed-out, autistic lens was, uh, familiar.

That being said, this didn't come without its problems. First of all, this is set in Victorian England. Well, sort of. Though there is some exposition about how the main character's autism clashes with the notoriously 3D social chess of Victorian culture, this is really only used as an aesthetic backdrop. The characters' dialogue is no different than if they were plucked straight from American Zillennials. I almost dissociated the only time a 'bloody' was dropped by people who had been cursing the entire time. White admits in the note in the back that they were only trying for meager accuracy, but it really seemed like they wanted to have an aesthetic but also an air of oppression. And for Victorian society, as absolutely hedonistic they tended to be behins closed doors, I'm a little bored of the Victorian=OPPRESSION trope. Queerness was illegal, but it was prevalent enough that it's sort of at odds with the utterly dystopian plot devices the book utilizes. Kind of took me out of it sometimes and really felt more like the Handmaid's Tale than London. (Though for Daphne to have a Greek obsession was definitely a nod to the culture back then. Not sure if White meant to do that.) Also, they didn't consider mentioning over-bust corsets? That would've been ideal.

Also, the trauma was Too much. Anything and everything deplorable that has ever happened to an AFAB person happens here in canonic and sometimes graphic detail. While it succeeded in horrifying me and creating suspense, it really bordered on torture porn.

Ghosts are also a main mechanic of this world, but it's not really described *how.* There's a shifty society, mediums are societally recognized and even used in the economy, all very cloak-and-dagger. But every description leaves more questions than answers.

Also, I think the author has only four characters at any given time they can build up. It was sort of funny how the sanitorium was full of other children, but the plot itself more or less forgot that was the case.

All of the villains were completely one-note, just absolute revolting people who would hurt any innocents the moment they got the chance. Not much build-up, just---Character gets alone with Bad Person, is tormented/beaten/mutilated/worse, repeat. They seem like caricatures. I was a little surprised that they weren't eating puppies for dinner, or tying people to railroad tracks. The supposed justification for the sadism was a bit weak, but put-together enough to spark outrage.

But you do feel outrage. You crave vengeance like the spirits mentioned. The author is a master of building suspense, of describing what it's like to feel backed against the wall, for all of those feral feelings of survival and community to bleed together. Overall, a wonderful queer gothic horror story about survival and revenge, particularly if you ignore the snags.

-Rune 💠

[atopvisenyashill]

hii so I was thinking about the riverlands' houses & harrenhal (saw the reply but couldn't find the post where I commented on your poll for some reason??) and even if the harrenhal houses like the whents, strongs, lothsons etc stayed so little time in there, in the main series you have PETYR BAELISH as lord of harrenhal which is coincidentally the one who holds the biggest grudge against the tullys/was their supporter in the past too (oversimplified ofc).

It may be the unstable nature of the riverlands but it's true they don't have second son syndrome. I don't think the freys fit this like the yronwoods/reynes because people just don't like them and would not support them in an uprising against the tullys. I think closest could be blackwoods but they don't have any of the animosity (they fit with the manderlys)

Yeah as I was looking at some of the replies and the way the poll is shaking out, I'm inclined to agree that they don't have a second son syndrome (as you very well put it) house. you would kind of think of everyone, the tully's would have one (at least imo); similar to the tyrells, they weren't kings, merely an old noble house raised up high by the targaryens during the conquest. I think maybe a contributing factor to this is that whereas Highgarden was the seat of kings, Riverrun never was! I think maybe that's why there's less animosity towards the Tully's; barring the Freys, they don't have a troublesome house the way most of the other regions do. You could maybe make the argument that the Brackens are troublesome but a) the Blackwoods are happy to restart the conflict or make it worse whenever they're bored and b) the Brackens will side against the Tullys not to spite the Tully's themselves but to spite the Blackwoods which is a completely different vibe than the Yronwoods or Reynes or the troublesome Reacher houses. No one is actively trying to sabotage the Tullys; Riverrun has always been theirs and they've always been a respected house and there's so never been a pticularly consistent King of the Riverlands the way there has been for other regions, so no one is mad that the Tullys rule from a seat they've had for years. Meanwhile the Tyrells just straight up moved their shit into Highgarden and went WE'RE IN CHARGE NOW BITCH and everyone else just had to deal with that because the Gardener's were utterly wiped out and Aegon had a dragon to back the Tyrells up.

Also interesting is that the Blackwoods definitely are involved in politics - they marry the Starks several times, there's named Blackwood war heroes in every conflict - but they just don't seem to have the reputation of "loyal, maybe a bit upjumped but useful" the way the manderlys, hightowers, or velaryons seem to have. I think that's really where as you say the instability of the Riverlands comes in - not only is it likely hard to amass and keep wealth when you live in what's essentially a constantly active war zone, they're often so side tracked by their own squabbling going on with the Brackens that I think distracts from their overall loyalty to the Tullys (sidebar here but - I think maybe this is why the Tullys don't seem that assed over the Brackens consistently choosing the opposite side, the same way the Martells don't seem super concerned that the Yronwoods chose the Blackfyres but seem real shitty over the Daynes. There's a line here that Lords Paramount will draw between "this house is full of petty people and they're not actively trying to piss me AWF so i'll let it go" vs "this is a threat we need to stand united against, there can be no dissent and no exceptions" when dealing with stuff like this. very interesting!).

MEANWHILE. THERE'S HARRENHAL. like a thorn in the riverlands side, just eating up house after house. And YET the lords of Harrenhal often feel incredibly disconnected from the rest of the Riverlands. it's not like Aemond's lil mini genocide in the Riverlands made the Tullys go "wow they screwed over House Strong, our loyal vassals, we should do something about this." Grover Tully looked at that mess and went "every boy needs to have a lil war crimes as a treat to help him grow" and calls it a day. it's not the tullys who mourn poor little Maegor Towers, it's Rhaena the Black Bride. The Whents do seem a bit more involved because Minisa marries Hoster and Shella is (she's still alive dammit!!) a Stark/Tully loyalist but even there, you have the story where Lord Whent holds the tourney at Harrenhal at Rhaegar's behest, not Hoster's, as a way of planning around Aerys' madness. As Cotter Pike helpfully points out, Janos Slynt never even stepped foot in Harrenhal, he was working for the Crown and that's it. Littlefinger as well not only hasn't been to Harrenhal yet, he's also not even from the Riverlands - but of course, he does have a very complex and deep personal connection to the Tullys, and he's even currently possessed of a Whent descendant who looks like a Whent.

[dumdeeedum]

How is an eighteen year old hooking up with a nineteen year old that he was previously worried was younger in any way rape? they are both older teenagers please be serious. baby faced nineteen year olds exist in the world it's not rape when they date their literal peers. i do kind of take your point about aging up claudia- it doesn't always work for me either but they really couldn't have cast a kid and done two seasons even if the ethics of that situation wasn't extremely dodgy. at a certain point you have to treat it like a mid special effect or stop watching.

I'm gonna go ahead and keep watching and commenting on what I'd like, thanks. I find it very strange that that's everyone's go-to when it comes to everything now. Are adaptations just whatever people want them to be now and if you expected to AT LEAST recognize the characters that's your bad and you're an idiot? I'm honestly still here because I love the book series, have been waiting for an adaptation for DECADES (was SO EXCITED for the Fuller adaptation that fell through) and now I'm waiting for the "Interview" part, the most boring but necessary foundational part for me, to end and to get to the good stuff. The problem is that the changes have been so great that I'm concerned and I'm allowed to feel that.

I feel like y'all want to be intentionally stubborn and weird about this which is part of the point and reason why aging up Claudia was a bad idea. She's MENTALLY 18 but she's physically meant to be a child. If we're having to have it so we're all just splitting hairs about how old she actually is/looks/is meant to look like in the show or having to suspend utter disbelief for it to work then it doesn't work. It also takes away from the visceral reaction we get from Claudia in the book, the utter sense of wrongness and pity we have for her and her situation. And how utterly wrong and fucked up it was of Lestat and Louis to make her.

Even Armand says as much and thinks of himself as having been too young at 17 in retrospect in the books. He's also angry at Marius in the books for turning Sybelle and Benji, the latter of whom is only 12. It's a big thing in the book series.

Claudia being unambiguously young allows the story to convey its idea in no uncertain terms: she'll be a child forever. She can't simply explain away her situation to her contemporaries whom are human because she can't tell them she's a vampire. She can't have sex with someone because she's a child and only a pervert would want to fuck her. She has all these adult feelings and sensibilities and she's not taken seriously and can't act on many of them because of that. Even her fathers, who know her the best and know she's mentally old as fuck still see her as a child. In her diary in "Queen of the Damned" she describes how cruel it is that Lestat gives her a DOLL every year on her birthday just to fuck with her because Lestat is a bitch.

When you not only age the character up to 14 but then cast someone who is an adult and then IN THE SHOW tell us that it's easy enough for her to just go "no, I'm an adult I just look young" then you take away pretty much all the angst of the character and she loses what makes her such a horrific element.

In fact, in season 2 she's so out of character for me because book Claudia, as an adult, is very smart and dignified and SEEMS old, which this actress does well but doesn't fit with an adult body. Book Claudia would not allow herself to be treated the way this Claudia allows herself to be treated and it's part of why book Claudia finds Madeline and starts to pull away even from Louis whom she knows is about to leave her for Armand. She also knows that the theater troupe suspect she killed Lestat and dislike her and want her dead. She's not even trying to make nice with them.

In this she's allowing them to dress her up like a child and make her a servant and humiliate her. I know they needed to expand on shit to make a season of television instead of a shorter book but I think it only ends up showing us that the show is floundering on how to convey its idea that Claudia is a child without actually having a child. They could have put more time into her relationship with Madeline which they only sort of did. Have Madeline treat her different and show her spending time with Madeline instead of prostrating herself for these people who disrespect her.

It's especially poorly done when a 14-year-old isn't even a child the way they want to depict her in the stupid waste of my life play they have her in by the standards of THAT TIME. The conceit of that idea would have worked better if the actress had been much younger and may even have served as a surrogate for Lestat and the doll. Unfortunately here it just doesn't work because she's already too old for the Shirley Temple shtick.

They could have gotten a teenager who perhaps looks like they're pre-teen Disney channel aged or whatever. I know that Kirsten Dunst was 12 when she filmed the movie and that's young enough to get a couple of seasons in before they get too old looking. Again, Disney channel aged (I'm too old to know where the kids are these days). Especially when Claudia reasonably should only be there until the end of this season even if they don't mean to continue past "Interview with the Vampire." Ideally they'd have made "Interview" into a miniseries and moved on because the entire thing is too long-winded and different.

Children do horror all the time. You don't have to have anything explicitly sexual for the character to work and that's another reason why the age up bothers me. Kirsten Dunst didn't HAVE to kiss Brad Pitt either, they added that to the movie so making that some sort of bar a young actress would have to meet is nonsense.

It feels like they ONLY aged her up TO put the actress in sexual situations and make it acceptable. But then they ALSO decided to age up Armand, presumably because it would be weird to put him in a sexual relationship with Louis if he's meant to be 17. So which is it? Can we have mentally young characters in sexual situations with adults or not? After all, mentally Armand is over 500 years old and Louis is much younger.

How much more impactful would it have been for us to see Claudia spending time with a boy she likes, a boy her "mental" age, to have him shoot her down and treat her like a child and even perhaps laugh at her? And for that to happen to her over and over again if need be. Instead she can just explain it away and it's fine if the guy she likes sees a teenager and still wants to fuck her, it's all fine?

It was a bizarre decision and as good as the actresses are and I wish them incredible success in their careers, it doesn't work for this show. A LOT doesn't work for this with the age changes as far as I'm concerned.

[thegirlwhorideslikeasamurai]

Writing update

While there won't be any new meta for the time being, here's another update on the current state of my works because, first and foremost, I'm a writer.

Did My Heart Love 'Til Now

I have 45 out 186 scenes of the sequel to CYHMH left to revise. After my illness, I ramped up the pace a little. I'm still cutting unnecessary dialogue and descriptions but add some other stuff when it feels important, which is increasing the wordcount. I'm talking about adding <2k more words to a 330k work, so we're still below the 1% threshold.

When I decided to revise this story, I thought that it was utterly boring and with too much cute domestic Viktuuri and smut--nothing wrong with either, but I felt as if the plot was wanting. I'm quite content with the current work, although it still has a great portion of slice-of-life that dilutes the plot. While in my YOI novelisation slice-of-life made sense to fill the gaps between the episodes and to explore Yuuri and Viktor as well as their relationship, I still think that should be cut down in the sequel. I know I can do better.

Once this revision is done, I will hand it over to my beta of Thousands Spotlights for a first impression (you might call it an alpha-reading if such a thing exists). I don't want to put too much effort into something to find out that I must start from scratch again because it lacks wit and tension. But before I'm ready to have anyone else read this story, I want to have one last look at the smutty scenes as something has turned up I need to handle with utmost care (just as Viktor handles his precious Katsudon).

Speaking of handling with utmost care...

Can You Hear My Heartbeat

As this story is rapidly approaching the Cup of China aka the event at which Yuuri's true Eros shows for the first time, there are some small details in the upcoming chapters, which I must take care of when I will give these chapters their final edit. This won't delay the posting cycle, it's just another thing I will watch out for when I update those chapters for the last time. In addition to my beta of that story, the beta of Vitya's story will assist me with her expertise on the subject.

This whole thing is a little tricky as while I was writing the CYHMH, I unknowingly did something right I had no concept of at that time (we're talking about the period from 2021-2022 and a lot has happened since). Back then, I wrote what made the most sense regarding canon and added a little of my own experience where I could relate to the character's situation. And there was absolutely nothing wrong with that. But when you write about something you have no concept of, you are prone to adding common misconceptions or just produce utter bullshit, and thus I must put all the respective scenes under scrutiny. I'm really anxious to mess it up this time.

I'm sorry that this sounds very cryptic, but at this point it's all very half-baked and not yet at a stage where I can talk about it (I'm not even sure I want to). It's like accidentally writing an autistic-coded character before you know that you're autistic, but because you have no concept of autism, you add harmful stereotypes. (No, that didn't happen here, but you get the idea.)

Anyway, I hope that you will like the result!

[earlgreytea68]

https://www.tumblr.com/andoutofharm/717858183790673920/souryogurt64-x?source=share

I just saw this gifset earlier today, and was thinking about the different, complimentary ways Pete and Patrick view their music. Pete is an excellent business man, and is good at picking the songs that will eventually become singles, and gain lots of attention on the radio. Patrick, however, tends to focus on the less traditionally radio-friendly tracks on the album, that we fans end up writing essays about later. And in the end, they're both right: You need the anthems to bring new fans in and get airplay, but you need the b-sides and more experimental tracks to keep people listening and interested, which is why I think is a big reason why FOB have lasted as long as they have!

YES. And also! In the end, they're both right in that they need both. Like, I think Patrick likes the songs where he completely indulges his own whims, like What a Time to Be Alive, but I also think he likes the challenge of writing the hit song that he knows Pete is looking for. And I think Pete likes finding that hit song and strategizing about it, but I also think he enjoys when Patrick turns up with utterly bonkers songs and he has to see the world a new way. If they each only worked to please themselves, they'd actually get bored. Having to think about someone who wants something the opposite of you makes you have to be really deliberate in what you're doing instead of just unthinking and automatic.

It's like when Pete says that what Fall Out Boy really needs is the push-and-pull of him and Patrick where their opposing desires balance each other out without one dominating the other. Yes, that's what Fall Out Boy needs, as you point out, it has enlivened their career and built their fanbase, but I think it's what both Pete and Patrick need for their creative process. You can hear it when Pete talks about it, that he wouldn't want to do it with anyone else, he needs Patrick with Patrick's particular and unique skill set that both is and isn't exactly like Pete all at the same time.

You know what? I went and transcribed these quotes from the Joel Madden interview so we can have them:

"[Patrick's] strengths are my weaknesses, that's totally true. But he only cares about certain things. Like, he really only cares about the music and the melody, and I really only care about, like, the visuals and the lyrics. And so they're at a constant -- They're constantly conflicting with each other. And so when we get it right, we get it really right. And when we get it wrong, I'm like, 'Yeah, it was a little -- one of us kind of outweighed the other one.' . . . We've never created without each other for Fall Out Boy. We've created without each other on, like, other stuff. There's lots of time when I'm, like, writing with somebody, and I'm like, 'Ah, we just don't think the same way.' . . . And it feels weird. . . . I know that I have, like -- Like, I must have eaten too many lead paint chips when I was little or something, because I, like, describe things a little weird, and he picks up on it and, like, he always gets what I'm putting down, and sometimes the producer or something is like, 'What are you talking about?' and I'm like, 'It's like if these two movies were combined--'" (and then Pete gets interrupted so we don't get the rest of that statement which was surely going to be about Patrick translating him for the producer so we can all just imagine it together)

And here's some more from later!

"The roles are so probably, like, not traditional and not -- that it's, like, odd when it's with anybody except Patrick most of the time. At least, songwriting. Because it's, like -- I feel like I could, like -- I have, like, a totally dope idea in my head and I, like, I don't know how to paint, or something. [JM: You need somebody to paint it for you.] Yeah. But I, like, know exactly . . . So it's, like, really, you know, a blessing -- It's, like -- It's like one in a million, like, serendipity or something, like, like, that you ran into somebody when you were, like, you know, I'm 20, he's 17, or I'm 21 and he's 17, whatever, it's kind of crazy."

Then Joel Madden asks a question that implies actually it wasn't that lucky to meet Patrick, whoever he'd met that young would have formed around him artistically and vice versa and they would have ended up at the same place, which, frankly, is an idea I reject lololol and I think Pete does, too (he says he never thought of it that way, but maybe there's a possibility hahahahaha I think he's being polite)

Then Pete moves into: "Now it's so fast. Now, when we're in the studio, like, we don't really -- Like, we can do it so quick with each other that, like, we -- It's like a shared language that is just -- It's the closest thing non-twins would have."

AND THEN COMES JOEL MADDEN'S MOST VALUABLE CONTRIBUTION TO THE INTERVIEW, BECAUSE HERE HE SAYS, "Yeah, it's like soulmates," and Pete goes, "Yeah, yeah, yeah." <3

Also, please enjoy this best bit:

Joel Madden: Are you guys best friends?

Pete (smiling hugely): Definitely.

Joel Madden: Cool. That's nice.

Pete: Yeah. It's also, like, one of those weird ones where, like, sometimes we can just be hanging out -- like, we can hang out and we don't have to be talking, I don't know, like, you know the kind of thing, like, where we don't actually have to have, like, a conversation or do anything.

There, those are the best bits, after that the interview goes off the rails a bit lololol

[morfinwen]

Fortnight of Books (in one post)

I'm so happy i read enough books last year to do this for once! Here's hoping for a repeat this year. Next year. Whenever.

Overall - best books read in 2023? Tress of the Emerald Sea

Best series you discovered in 2023? The fun thing about "best" is that it doesn't necessarily mean "good". And while i hold out slightly more hope that future Margery Allingham mysteries will be more captivating than The Crime at Black Dudley, i have to admit that there was something about Ngaio Marsh's utterly underwhelming mysteries that kept me reading. So congrats to her for her single victory.

Best reread of the year? Watership Down. Granted it was only one of two re-reads this year, but it's usually the best anyway.

Most surprising (in a good way) book of this year? A few books were minorly surprising. Certain elements of The Sunlit Man were … not unexpected exactly, but took things in interesting directions. I was not expecting to find a book that took place in Wisconsin and was by a nosleep author (Dead Eleven). And Overture to Death and Surfeit of Lampreys were surprisingly enjoyable for having been written by Ngaio Marsh!

Most disappointing book/Book you wish you enjoyed more than you did? I was hoping that The Crime at Black Dudley would show Allingham to be a better author than Marsh. It did not.

Book you recommended most to others in 2023? I don't do book recommendations, but i very nearly suggested Tress of the Emerald Sea to a friend on FB asking for suggestions, and the only reason i didn't is because someone else already had. I believe i also recommended Shardik in a discord group, which i did not re-read in 2023 but definitely should at some point.

Alt question: A book you did not finish in 2023? I really need to finish The Lost Metal. It's not that i was disliking it or finding it boring or anything, i just had trouble maintaining momentum for reading it. Unfortunately, a very common problem.

Alt question: A book you bought in 2023? The Kingdom of Heaven by tumblr mutual Evelyn M. Lewis (i haven't read it yet i'm so sorry i promise i will get to it!!)

Author you read the most in 2023? Ngaio Marsh. She did not deserve it.

Most thrilling, unputdownable book of 2023? "Thrilling" is … not the right word, to put it mildly, but there was something gripping about Dead Eleven nonetheless. At the very least, there was something that made me stay up way longer than i should have fine-tuning my review of it. Someday i will understand what it is that makes certain books good but not gripping/gripping but not good, and how to recognize it, etc.

Book that was most outside your comfort zone/new genre exploration? Dead Eleven again, for being a book i just picked up at the library without having heard of the author before or having any idea of it beyond what the dust jacket/first chapters indicated.

Favorite cover of the year award goes to: All of Sanderson's Secret Project books had beautiful covers, but i'll probably give the prize to Yumi and the Nightmare Painter. It's currently my phone background!

Most beautifully-written book you read in 2023? Hmm … I wasn't quite as impressed with Stiefvater's prose in my re-read of All the Crooked Saints as i was the first time, but i think she still gets the credit. I love Sanderson, but his prose is more utilitarian than pretty.

Most memorable character: Does Hoid count? His role in Tress and the Emerald Sea was his best appearance yet (second place going to his role in "Yumi and the Nightmare Painter", where he was a coatrack for most of it).

Most annoying character: Lily Beckett from Dead Eleven. I had some sympathy for her at the start, but … ugh. None of the characters in that book were very good, but she was easily the worst.

Favorite couple: Charlie and Tress from Tress and the Emerald Sea.

Worst character death: Obviously a spoiler, but, Yumi's (temporary) death in Yumi and the Nightmare Painter. Props to Sanderson that i actually thought she was gone for good for a moment.

Favorite non-romance relationship: Nomad and Aux from The Sunlit Man.

Alt: A book you enjoyed well-enough but wasn’t a stand-out? Giving Death in Ecstasy a shout-out for being the first Ngaio Marsh book i almost kinda enjoyed, sorta.

The book I read but have already forgotten: Turns out i read The Mysterious Benedict Society and the Riddle of Ages last January, and completely forgot about it. Oops.

Book with a scene that left you reeling: Yumi and the Nightmare Painter. If you've read it, you know the one. Not quite on the level of the basement in Warbreaker, but pretty darn close.

Alt question: A book that made you laugh? Surfeit of Lampreys, believe it or not. Though the title still sucks.

Book you read in 2023 and are most likely to reread in 2024? Tress and the Emerald Sea.

Alt question: A book you struggled with but completed? The Crime at Black Dudley. I think the fact that it's ostensibly a murder mystery, but switched less than halfway in to a "escape the criminals" plot, then back to the murder, was not in its favor.

Series you gave up on in 2023: I think i'm done with Ngaio Marsh.

Favorite passage/quote of 2023: Maybe i should have taken notes. Since i didn't, i browsed the quotes page for the best books i read, and came up with the following selections: “Do you have darkness inside you?” “Yes,” Tony said. “And do you want to be rid of it?” This is a harder question to answer than one might think at first blush. Almost no one would think it’s correct to answer this question with a no, but the truth is that we men and women often hate to be rid of the familiar, and sometimes our darkness is the thing we know the best. ~ All the Crooked Saints All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a Thousand Enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed. ~ Watership Down Memories are fossils, the bones left by dead versions of ourselves. More potently, our minds are a hungry audience, craving only the peaks and valleys of experience. The bland erodes, leaving behind the distinctive bits to be remembered again and again. Painful or passionate, surreal or sublime, we cherish those little rocks of peak experience, polishing them with the ever-smoothing touch of recycled proxy living. ~ Tress of the Emerald Sea

Book which had the overall greatest impact on you this year: Perhaps Dead Eleven - i already mentioned how it kept me up late writing a review. A mostly negative review, but still.

A book you didn’t read this year that will be your #1 priority in 2024? I've got a long list of books that i checked out from the library (or wanted to) that i never got around to last year, hoping this one works out better. I suppose the priority goes to The Strange Last Voyage of Donald Crowhurst, which i started last year but haven't finished yet.

New book you are most anticipating for 2024? I don't really anticipate books, and i'm out of relevant alternative questions.

I had an amazing 20 books on my "read" list this year -- not sure if it beats 2019 or whenever my other reading spree was, but it blows most other years out of the water, and i'm hopeful for 2024.

[plunder413]

Man, if anything has truly utterly "gone downhill" its analysis videos or as they're now called "video essays". Like, I was there for specific early youtubers to lay down the groundwork and sorta define art analysis as making your own art in turn. If you've been in certain anime circles, you know. What I was hoping for was breaking down the barriers of convention that restrict people's thoughts on art. I'm an extremely postmodern and subjectivist person, and I wanted individuals to bring out their own experiences, loose and everchanging, senseless, only defined by itself. Instead we just have people going "THIS THING U LIKE IS SECRETLY BAD" and making a 5 hour long video meticulously taking down something in the most boring and bad faith way possible.

Like, where is the schizo love letter to like Earthworm Jim or some shit. Where's the videos that have interesting editing and personality? Idk I feel like it's all just this dick measuring contest to see how cynical we can be. It's saddening. Analysis is supposed to be like sampling in music, taking this art and rearranging it to reflect your own psyche, a creative endeavor in its own, an exercise in love.

And like, I think the evidence lies in the fact that I just make my own art and don't bother with wider discourse on the stuff I'm into. Like, I like cartoons and anime so I made my own story. I like music so I make my own music. And I'm honestly happier. Maybe it's because most creative types don't want to sink into the modern discourse hole that continues to discourage creativity in favor of comfy homogenous distraction sludge that can also say "hey, gay people? cool as frick actually!". Like, yeah, I could watch an HBomberGuy video but I could also just eat spider eggs and have them hatch and crawl around my insides and that will be just as painful but infinitely more interesting.

Really, I've seen far better art analysis here than anything on fucking YouTube and I think that goes to show that as much as you can say about this site, it's a site ABOUT art and creativity. People who fundamentally understand creativity and are not just trying to find the most correct art. Because going down that road only gets you polished, easily accessible bland muck that only conveys the most vaguely left leaning thing with none of that icky abstraction or weird humany stuff. I am into the infinity creativity has to offer. I happen to like to see weird taboo sexuality that mixes psychological branches into a colorful slurry. I happen to like when reality is bent or shaped into an abstract nightmare realm. I also like seeing cute girls just hangin out. I also like SpongeBob SquarePants.

Really what this comes down to also is a western standards being prioritized over all else. Which is dumb. And racist! Like, anime is a different culture that prioritizes different shit. I'm not even just talking about lolicon and shit, I'm talking like, fundamentally being stuck in these super intense, gritty narratives that maintain a consistent tone based on fast moving action and cliff hangers. Sorry but the idea of a maturity being stoic gritty cynicism is a very American idea, and shit is just different when looking beyond the western mainstream. And sometimes its not this presentable G rated thing you can call "chilling" and "breathtaking" sometimes it's a surreal atmospheric comedy with pervy jokes that deconstructs Japanese culture with very specific references and media tropes. Everypony should watch Neo Ranga btw, and I will once it can't trigger me because fuck that show feels like a nightmare. I'm using primarily anime examples because that's the foreign media I'm most familiar with.

Basically conservatism is a virus infecting even the self described anarchists and progressives and leftists because I can't handle having a strong emotion because I'm so pants shittingly scared of the current climate of Things(TM).

[alovelyfox]

Chapter 3: Really just a simple favour

Please note there are mentions of suicide/substance abuse in this chapter, so reader discretion is advised.

This has got to be one of the most uncomfortable dates of all time. Not that you've been on many, but if this is what dating is like, you think it's time to ask your parents for an arranged marriage. And it's not that your date is ugly or anything too. Stan's wearing an oversized blue and red jacket with a pair of ripped blue jeans. He has a little bit of scruff on his chin, with his hair dyed blonde rather than natural, something you could tell by his black roots still showing. He didn't look so much like a creep as Kyle predicted, more like a washed up rock star wearing clothes from the kids section of a Wal-Mart. But your main problem with him is how fucking boring he's acting right now.

You've been making polite conversation with him for the past 5 minutes, and he's giving you nothing to work with. When you asked about his day so far, he gave you a curt 'fine’, then didn't bother to ask about yours. So you try again, telling him that you recently started a job at a law firm, but he looks like he'd rather be anywhere else but listening to you.

What a dick you think. I mean, he was the one who practically begged to have this date with me, yet he's acting like I'm not even here! Fuck my life.

“Hey, do you have any friends you think you could set me up with?" He asks, and it takes all your willpower to not openly slap him across the face.

Is he insane? Or does he find me so utterly awful that he's decided he's done with this date and wants to start planning his next one. Piece of shit.

"Like any cute friends?" He asks again. "Anyone with, let's say, straight black hair and choppy bangs in the front. And black eyes you can feel your soul getting lost in, that make you feel safe and like she's gonna take care of you forever... Oh, and a pink beret, maybe in some childhood photos or maybe still now?"

"Wendy? Are you asking about my roommate Wendy?"

His eyes light up when you mention her name and you feel your heart sink.

"Wait, so you asked me on a date only so you could get one with my roommate? Are you fucking serious? Nah, fuck you and fuck whatever this is." You get up to leave and make it out the door before he grabs you by the arm.

"Y/N please. I swear, I never meant to play you or anything, I'm not that kind of guy. Just let me explain." Stan pleads with you.

"Did you set up this date because you genuinely like me or because you're a stalker creep who likes my roommate so much that you'd do anything to get with her? Cause if it's the second one, that explains everything to me right there." You say, and he turns silent.

You look at your phone and the clock reads 6:15. You wonder if Kyle's still nearby when Stan interrupts your thoughts.

“Look, Y/N. I'm sorry, it's true. I did set up this date because I wanted you to help me get in touch with Wendy, but please hear me out. I met Wendy when we were in pre-school, and I've been in love with her ever since. We were one of those on again-off again couples in middle school, but during high school I fucked up. She broke up with me and moved away for college, while I stayed in that shithole town and let the loneliness consume me. I hated myself for letting her get away, for losing one of the most perfect girls to ever exist. But I came to my senses, decided enough was enough and came here."

You hate how sincere he sounds, and you feel yourself sympathizing with him. With a heavy sigh, you start walking back to your apartment, and motion for him to follow.

"I don't know Wendy that well, but I really like her. Also, she's doing well right now. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some douchey ex of hers come into her life and screw it all up. So I have to know the full story, which you're gonna tell me as we walk back to my apartment. If it's good enough, I'll invite you in to meet her, but if not, you leave both her and I the hell alone. Deal?"

He sighs loudly, but nods his head and reluctantly starts following you home.

"Deal. So, it all started when my friend Eric Cartman got an anal probe..."

…

Hearing Stan talk about his middle school relationship with Wendy softens your heart towards him, if only a little. The way he used to throw up when she talked to him, and how she paid a group of Iraqis to capture one of their teachers whom he had a crush on and shoot her into the sun. Okay the second one sounds kind of crazy, but it's obvious that they cared for each other a lot, at least when they were young. But when discussing what happened to them in high school, Stan freezes up.

"I fucked up. I really fucked it all up. Everyone else knew exactly what they were doing with their lives, and I had no fucking clue what to do with mine. I got really depressed, and turned to alcohol to numb the pain. My dad's an alcoholic, so maybe it's just something I inherited. But I pushed everyone away. My family, my best friends, and especially Wendy. She tried her hardest to get me to quit, to try and salvage what we had. But she broke up with me, saying that she couldn't watch me kill myself, and that it was time for her to move on. I was so wrapped up in all my shit that I didn't even care. I didn’t put up a fight, just watched her leave. I stayed in South Park while I watched everyone else get on with their lives, and all I wanted was to be back in middle school, when my friends didn't look at me with pity in their eyes and the love of my life was still mine."

So far, he had been walking alongside you while talking, but now he stops in his tracks and stares at the ground for a moment before his next words.

"I tried to kill myself two months ago."

Your eyes widen, seeing him so vulnerable like this. He turns to look up at the star pierced night sky which had befallen the both of you, obviously trying to will away the tears which were forming in his eyes. You're about to step forward and try to comfort him but he resumes walking, so you follow him while he continues on with what he was saying.

"Well, not really. It wasn't like I got a noose or a gun and just ended it. I had been on a three day bender with my dad's hidden supply, and in my drunken state I stumbled onto some train tracks. And I saw the train heading towards me, yet I didn't move. I think the alcohol was a way for me to slowly kill myself, but here was the perfect opportunity to finish the job. And my mind was hazy, and I thought that getting run over was exactly what I wanted. But then the train got closer and closer, and I hesitated. Was this really how my life was gonna end? Having achieved nothing, dying alone on some fucking train tracks? I had wanted to go back to my middle school self so bad, but would he have liked how I turned out? The train was a couple miles away when I hopped off the tracks, I was still so close my beanie flew off by the gust it generated from passing me. But I was alive, and had reached a moment of clarity. I didn't want to revert back to my middle school self. I want to become a man my middle school self is proud to grow up into. A man whose family and friends still care for him, and is still dating the girl of his dreams. So I checked myself into rehab, determined to change my mindset and ways."

He lets out a heavy sigh, and you pat him reassuringly on the back. He continues.

"I got out a couple weeks ago, and my first thought was to reunite with Wendy. She was the one who always had faith that I could recover, and with her by my side I would be able to get a job, reconnect with my friends, conquer anything. But I needed to know how she felt about me now, and when I found out that you were her roommate, I figured you were the one to talk to."

"But why not just ask me to help you? Why'd you ask me out on a date instead?"

"To be honest, I just thought it would be the quickest way to get your attention. Sorry for the way I acted on it by the way. I swear I'm a much more interesting guy to be around, but I was so worried about how'd you react to what I was gonna ask you that I guess I was kind of rude. My bad. But now that you've heard me out, you'll help and re-introduce me to her, right?"

You're in front of your apartment building now, and Stan's looking at you expectedly. You don't know what to think about everything he’s just told you, and him staring at you with puppy dog eyes isn't helping. You turn your back to him, and try to recollect your thoughts. He seems genuinely sorry about how he treated Wendy in the past, but does that mean he's changed?

You wheel around and look straight into his eyes as you say your next words.

"'Оkау.”

His face breaks out into a massive smile, but you hold up one finger indicating that you're not done.

"I'II help, under some conditions. And you're not meeting her until all these conditions have either been completed or agreed to. 1. You clean yourself up, both mentally and physically." You look him up and down, and raise an eyebrow.

"Mainly physically. Get some better clothes, clean up that scruff you call a beard sitting on your face, etc. 2. You get a job. Wendy deserves a guy who's stable, both mentally and financially. And 3. If you meet her again and she wants nothing to do with you, you suck it up and move on with your life. No weird stalking, no setting up a date with another one of her friends, nothing. Until then though, I'll help you get your life together. We can meet up tomorrow, when you should've already completed condition 1, and we can work on condition 2. Here's my number, don't abuse it."

You stick your hand out for his phone, and type your number into it. He takes it back and has a small smile on his face.

"Thanks. For everything. Even the small possibility of seeing her again makes my heart feel whole."

You let out a matching small smile. He does seem like a really sweet guy, and you can only hope he's serious about changing.

"I'll text you tomorrow when and where to meet up. Goodnight Stan."

And with that, you leave him standing on the street, and wonder what the hell you're gonna tell Wendy.

…

You decide to not tell Wendy about your date with Stan. You’ll find out how she feels about him as per Stan's request, but there's no reason for that to happen tonight. You walk into your room and practically collapse on your bed. Everything about today drained you, and the urge to sleep it all away is getting stronger and stronger. But before your droopy eyes fully close, your phone vibrates twice from an unknown texter. Assuming it's Stan, you breathe a heavy sigh. So much for the 'don't abuse it’ rule that came with your number. But you sit up straight when you actually read what it says.

Unknown Number - Hey Y/N, it's Kyle

Unknown Number - I just wanted to make sure you got home safe. So text me when you do.

You can't stop your face from smiling. You save his number into your phone and reply back.

Y/N - i came home a couple minutes ago, thanks for checking in ♡

Kyle ♡ - How'd it go?

Kyle ♡ - The date, I mean

You try not to read into why he cares about that. Probably just trying to make conversation, right?

Y/N - It wasn't what I anticipated, but the guy seems pretty nice so we're gonna meet up again tomorrow.

He leaves you on read for a while, only replying back five minutes later with a curt:

Kyle ♡ - Nice to hear. Goodnight Y/N.

He doesn't say anything else, leaving you to wonder what the hell you did wrong.

[silvers-starrway]

Hi! I was reading about your OCs and I'm curious what "PMD explorers of sky" is and how it inspired you (please don't hesitate to go into detail, I'm genuinely curious!) I think the story you came up with for your OCs is very interesting and fits well into the Sonic universe! And your designs are so nice too!! Very clean and neat but far away from boring!! I hope you're having a great day!

AH! First of all thank you so much for the compliments they mean so much!!

Hehe there will be spoilers ahead for PMD:EoS in this ramble so I'll give a short non-spoilery overview here in case there are people that still want to play that game blind. You, a human, get turned into a pokemon and suffer memory loss. With your partner (who finds you washed up at the beach) you join and adventuring guild and start to go on all kinds of adventures some of which have to do with the Time Gears getting stolen which is causing time to stop in those areas and causing other pokemon to become more aggressive.

Now onto the specific details that inspired the story and here there will be spoilers. In PMD:EoS you meet Grovyle, he's from the future and at first you think he's the bad guy since he's stealing all of the Time Gears and all that. Then there's a reveal that he wasn't doing it maliciously! Turns out he's from a ruined future (reminding me of a certain hedgehog) and he needs to gather the Time Gears to stop the Tower of Time from collapsing since Dialga, the ruler of time, is going a little primal himself.

The big inspiration here is from Grovyle and Dialga. Thinking about what if Silver filled in not juts Grovyle's role in the story but also Dialga's.

In my headcannon he's been traveling through time so much his being has kind of detached itself from the whole time stream, this means he's able to time travel relatively pain free BUT it means he's stuck in this cycle of having to watch his future continuously change. Silver can never really have anything in his future.

So when three random mobians happen to pull him back to the past that's something new! It's different and at first he's not quite sure what to do with that information but he's excited to be back in the past where his friends might be. As the story progresses though it becomes clear that the cycle is just repeating itself. In PMD:EoS Primal Dialga, in the ruined future, is dead set on keeping it that way. In a similar vein, Silver realizes that if he just wields the power of the Time Shards a certain way he too can stop time and essentially live in the frozen past. He wouldn't have to move anymore, wouldn't have to keep reliving his future getting destroyed.

I just really want a story that breaks Silver down to his lowest point, where the most optimistic character of the cast has a single moment of doubt that spirals uncontrollably. Luckily his friends will be there to help him but... there's also a bad end to this where everyone gets frozen in time and he ends up truly and utterly alone forever.

Anyways!! Hope this wasn't too long of a ramble I have a lot of thoughts about Silver as a character. My OCs basically function as a way to explore some other aspects of the world since you have one who has no powers, another with new uncontrollable powers and another who was born with powers but none of them really get up to wild adventures. I'm also just being a little self indulgent with using my OCs hehe.

Hope you have a nice day too!! Thank you so much for the ask!!

[gaykarstaagforever]

The 1990s comics "Rob Liefeld Revolution", along with the speculation boom that created AND immediately destroyed it, produced a lot of poorly-aged comic book jank. We know this.

What many of us do not know is that it also inspired a similar sea-change in that market that is always eager to rip off whatever is currently making the most money: Christian book stores.

Which brings us to Eternal Studios 1993 Archangels: The Saga.

(Just a note: this ENTIRE book is printed on slippy magazine-cover paper. I took these pictures in a room barely lit by a distant lightbulb and STILL couldn't get rid of the glare. Never before have I worked so hard on something so utterly pointless, and I post comics content on Tumblr dot com. God bless my phone for doing its best to make any of these even bearable.)

This "saga" apparently lastest exactly 9 issues, before the company, Eternal Studios of Houston, Texas (because of course) went bust. Or so I assume. I haven't found any information on them online, and I Googled for way longer than I'm willing to admit.

Archangels: The Short Saga is the story of a group of men who are given metal armor and vague superpowers by God to fight demons, or something. This is just the first issue and I've never seen any of the others, and this is just the origin story of one of the guys, so I don't know. And I won't be finding out, because a) the Internet doesn't know what this is, and 2) any of the physical copies of these cost between $30 and $60 online. Because Evangelical Christianity is an eternal grift, ever since it was started by an unemployed man who claimed to be a wizard, but then suspiciously didn't use any of his powers to stop himself from getting tortured to death. And then his 12 unemployed friends decided they REALLY didn't want to go back to work.

This comic fits well into the religion invented by those people, in that whatever their God is doing here, it doesn't make a lot of sense. He already has an army of angels who battle demons. Why does He need to empower human men to do it, too?

The art here is...well. Given the era, it is fine. It is a step above the typical Liefeld, in that basic human anatomy is understood and replicated. The most distracting thing is the mid-90s digital coloring, which absolutely loves that lensflare.

See?

Also, and I want to be clear here, "good" and "bad" assessments of art are, to me, vaguely technical determinations. Like, art can be good, but a book can still be stupid and boring. Conversely, art can be bad, but can still be used in a way that is rad as hell:

And if the 90s - in comics, and in general - are notable for one thing besides Nirvana and Friends, it is how radical to the MAX everything was. We were not doing subtle nuance in 1993.

I got this book as a gift in like 1997 (it is a 1996 "second printing"), and I loved these splash pages. I was about 5 years into comics at that point, but with limited access in my area and under the yoke of the Assemblies of God church, so this was edgy and cool to me at 15. I had many bad Christian comics at that time, and this wasn't one of them. So kudos on that...?

It isn't even badly written. It is vaguely preachy, but specifically about how drunk driving is bad, and I'm not about to argue that point, even if you're only saying that because JESUS.

The blue-and-orange metal suit man from the above screamy splash page becomes that because he is the shotgun passenger in this car (I think). He gets killed in this crash, and the Angel of Death harvests all the souls except his, because God needs him to be Metal Angel Superman. Because of...protests? And gang crime?

Evangelical Christians who live in the suburbs conceive of evil as exactly two things, icky hippie protests and urban gang violence. This was true in 1993, and is true now.

They also only know about "wild parties" from tracts Jack Chick published in the 1960s. Note how these cool 90s young people are smoking cigars and drinking brandy from Old Fashioned glasses.

Overall, as an intro to a series, this is fine. Weird metal He-Men are fighting the Devil in the name of God, and there have certainly been worse ideas, and worse introductions to them. But it also hardly encourages anyone to want more of whatever this is. Like, it's an American Evangelical Christian comic: even if there ARE any fight scenes, everything will end with some speech about how Jesus is better than pills and gangs, and some brawny white man in a polo shirt will do the Sinner's Prayer, then probably marry his best (blonde) girl. They all have one note, even if they're playing that note during the heady days of the 90s comics wasteland.

There is exactly one short video on YouTube about this book, and the guy is way too generous. Have you ever read this? Are you, along with me and that guy, one of the 10 people who remember this comic?

Those ten people include the three guys who made it.

God, that fucking slippy paper.

Paying premium prices for this shit is probably why they went bust.

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

About Me: Favorite Animal Crossing Villagers

By now most of you should be aware I love Animal Crossing: New Horizons. Not only did I put it on my list of favorite games, I hosted at least a dozen different polls here on my blog because I couldn’t decide who should live on my island. It's just been a struggle figuring out who I like, what designs I vibe with, and all that. This is my first AC game, after all.

I have swapped out a few dozen animals in my journey of self-discovery, and on said journey I've discovered a few things. For example, I find the best Lazy and Cranky villagers to be ugly old bastards as opposed to cute ones, though there are exceptions to this rule. I've also found that, with few exceptions, I just can't stand Jocks; I find their personalities to be extremely grating, and even though there's a few I like the whole personality type has some of the blandest designs. This is something that effects Normal villagers too, but at least they have a few standouts like Coco; if Pigleg was still in the series, I wouldn't call Jocks the worst personality, but alas we do not live in that world.

Smug and Snooty villagers tend to be my favorite, as I find their designs and their characterization the most enjoyable. Not far behind is Cranky, those loveable curmudgeons. Everything else save Jocks are fine by me, and even then there are a handful of Jocks I enjoy... just not enough to want to keep them around.

As for animals... I'm a big fan of the rabbits and cats, that's for sure. Wolves too; I don't think there's a bad wolf in the series. There's also not a single bad octopus, but seeing as there's only four of them it would be hard to fuck them up too much. A lot of other species tend to be hit or miss for me, like mice, rhinos, hippos, alligators, and horses; some designs are great, others are just boring or bad. I really am not a fan of kangaroos, especially the female ones, and I find monkeys to be really bland (even Tiansheng, one of the only Jocks I like, has a really boring design despite the cool inspiration behind it). Tigers are pretty dull as well, and every hamster that isn't Marlo or Clay is just really unpleasant to look at.

Still, I think ducks and birds are my least favorite of them all, as I hate just about every single one of them. Ostriches and eagles are cool, penguins are fine, but ducks and birds are just utterly repulsive to me. But I think the fun of this series is that no matter how weird or ugly I personally find an animal, there's gonna be a whole bunch of people who love it.

There’s actually 4 categories of honorable mentions this time! The first is villagers I met on my wife’s island but never moved to my own; these are Octavian, Tia, Lily, Sprocket, and Raymond. The second is villagers I like but who aren’t in this game, which would be Ganon, Medli, Inkwell, and Pigleg. Then there is the final category, villagers who have never moved to my island: Wart Jr., Freya, Chief, Merry, Monique, Apollo, Tabby, Hopkins, Bettina, Cesar, Louie, and Stinky. The final category is villagers I have had but who didn’t make the cut: Chèvre, Gladys, Clay, Bob, Pietro, and Walt.

30. Barold

Barold is perhaps the ugliest bastard of all, looking like Lester from GTAV, but that and his disturbing wall of camera feeds he has in his house makes him the most hilarious Lazy villager around.

29. Fang

As far as wolves go, Fang is incredibly basic, but it's hard not to like this cute Cranky in his adorable sweater.

28. Roscoe

Talk about an ensemble dark horse! Roscoe is the only Cranky horse, but his chess motif and his striking red eyes make him the only Cranky horse you could ever need.

27. Tiansheng

The only Jock who makes my list, by token of being inspired by Sun Wukong. It's a shame he has one of the worst houses of the 2.0 update villagers, or he may have been higher on this list.

26. Drago

Looking for a cool alligator village? Enter this dragon, a Lazy beast with one of the better houses for a mythical creature villager.

25. Julian

Julian is a Smug, feminine unicorn boy with impeccable style. Unfortunately, much like his fellow mythological creature villager Hans, he is saddled with a terrible house, but his good looks make up for it.

24. Ione

She's a glow in the dark starry gamer girl squirrel whose birthday is on 9/11. Literally everything about her is perfect.

23. Sasha

The ever-popular twink rabbit makes my list, but he's pretty low because I find the weird, sloppy manchild dialogue weird coming from someone this incredibly cute. It's an odd juxtaposition, but maybe it bothers me because combined with his love of stuffed animals he reminds me too much of myself ten years ago.

22. Olivia

Much like most Snooty cats, Olivia serves cunt. Just look at her. I love the pattern on her feet, which look like a pair of mismatched socks, and her big cat eyes.

21. Beardo

He looks like a 70s porn star, he dresses like a Victorian detective, and I once caught him trying to rope Muffy into his weird mommy fetish... Literally what's not to love about this nutjob?

20. Hans

My first Smug villager, the most dapper yeti around. His house sucked unfortunately, but there never has been a villager quite as groovy as he was.

19. Dobie

Seeing as he is a grumpy old writer, Dobie is essentially literally me from the future. He has such a delightful wise old grandpa design.

18. Marina

There are no bad octopuses, that much I can say for sure, and even then Marina stands out among them for being overwhelmingly pink and sweet.

17. Whitney

The wolf who serves the most cunt. Whitney has a rather basic design, but the white fur, blue eyes, and love of gorgeous dresses make her extremely appealing. It doesn't feel right having her without Apollo, though.

16. Boris

Boris is frequently at the bottom of the popularity polls, and I get it. His house has an Egyptian theme for some reason and he's not the prettiest guy around. But if Boris only has one fan, that fan is me.

15. Shino

2.0 brought us this demon deer with that traditional Japanese style. She's a little basic if I'm being honest, but the personality and her inability to close her eyes all the way and her cute little fangs make her appealing as all hell.

14. Muffy

She's a goth sheep. That's fucking awesome.

13. Petri

The red and blue ears and literal lab rat style are plenty appealing, but I think Petri's finest quality is how she has the prettiest eyes hidden behind those big mad scientist specs.

12. Marshal

This pint-sized Smug caffeine addict was my wife’s first Smug villager, and she disliked him so much she gave him to me… and I replaced him. It’s one of my biggest regrets now, because I love this little bastard so much. Maybe someday he’ll return.

11. Ruby

Being an albino bunny gives her a rather striking design, and she has an awesome moon-themed house. My daughter really loved her too, but she loves any bunny she sees.

10. Tucker

Somehow this guy is consistently near the bottom of the NH popularity poll... why? He's one of the most unique villagers in the series, being a caveman wooly mammoth! Why do people hate this lad?

9. Vic

Look at this fucking majestic picture. Look at this viking bull. He has a pirate theme in his house, too, so he might very well be the most perfect Cranky villager ever. What a badass.

8. Kidd

This handsome boy is currently residing on my island, and as much as I miss Marshal, I'm very happy with this purple goat. I mean, he has a lava lamp in his house, that counts for a lot.

7. Tiffany

Out of every cunt-serving Snooty villager, Tiffany might be my favorite (even if she's not exactly popular). I love her old-time stripper look, and her casino/game room-themed house, and just the huge amount of personality in her design. She's almost my favorite bunny.

6. Coco

That honor, however, goes to Coco. I love the weird and unique villagers with really out-there concepts, like Stitches the living teddy bear or Hopkins the living pool toy, but Coco the haniwa bunny really takes the cake. The fact she's also a Normal villager despite being a living clay statue is absolutely hilarious.

5. Cherry

Cherry is a villager I wasn't sure I really liked at first because of the odd placement of her mouth, but she definitely grew on me. She's got impeccable fashion and has the rare Big Sister personality on her, two things that really go well together.

4. Phoebe

A fiery Big Sister phoenix, and one of my starter villagers. She probably has the best house of any of the mythical creatures, seeing as it's an awesome lava cave. For a long time she was absent from my island, but finally she has returned, and I couldn't be happier. I missed this pretty bird.

3. Cephalobot

I have had so many moments of doubt regarding this robot buddy. I've considered sending him away, replacing him with another Smug villager... but my god, he is too damn cute and sweet! He's given me his photo twice and constantly says that I'm his best friend! How could I ever get rid of him?

2. Audie

Another one of my favorite villains from my wife's island, she appeared on my island early before being replaced because I didn't want to copy my wife. Needless to say, this was a stupid decision, and when she appeared to me again she triumphantly returned and is here to stay. This foxy lady is easily my favorite wolf of them all.

Ankha

Ankha was a village my wife and I time travelled extensively for, hunting the campsite and praying for her to appear, and when I got my own copy of New Horizons my wife let me take her in for my own island. Essentially, Ankha is my best friend in this game, and I have a very big emotional attachment to her, especially since she's the first villager who ever gave me a photo.

[beevean]

Ok....

Top 5 WORST characters in Nocturne :)

5) Juste. My babyboy, I'm so sorry they did this to you :( but even if he were an OC... what a waste of such a basic concept. How can you fuck up such a classic cliché such as the cynical but wise mentor? Dude only exists for Richter to be like "eww, you're a dick, grandpa. I don't want to be all sad and pathetic like you. I want to live etc."

4) Emmanuel. Listen guys. I don't care if even the characters keep pointing out that it's really fucking stupid to ally yourself with vampires for the sake of crushing a "Godless" revolution. It's still fucking stupid. He's just yet another CHURCH BAD character. Find better material already!

3) Maria. What a bore. I swear she was written by an AI who was fed generic revolutionary slogans from Twitter. Zero personality at all. You could remove her and hardly anything would change: her most important role was being nearly sacrificed by Emmanuel, which says something.

2) Sun Thundercat. She literally stepped out from the most generic, cookie-cutter '80s cartoon ever. Atrocious designs, atrocious voice, terrible dialogue all around, utterly charmless, pathetic motivations, stupid ass plan when you think about it for more than 5 seconds, honestly feels like a childish OC whose sole purpose is to surpass the original villain, and I can't even take her "boohoo vampires are forced to live in the shadows so I will eat the sun!" seriously when every single vampire in this stupid show can waltz around in the open and in the sunlight!!

1) Annette. But of course :) I have no sympathy for Stronk Women whose only personality is being mean and I'm expected to see them as badasses. Well, not for men either (hello N!Alucard), but Annette here really feels like rage bait. Like they deliberately wrote the most generic, stereotypical Stronk Black Woman Former Slave Angry At The White Man (and replacing a canon character to boot) to generate controversy. It's not interesting. I only think Richter deserves better than someone who used his trauma to put him down.

(I won't, however, talk about her religion. I honestly don't know anything about Haitian Vodou, and I don't know if according to that religion, people can actually descend from gods)

[stellasolaris]

1, 7, 8, 20, 23

I have answered 7, 8, and 13 here and here!

1. the character everyone gets wrong

Sky. I was originally going to say Riven because I feel like he gets mischaracterized the most, but then I realized there is a good chunk of people who do understand his character. However, with Sky, I feel like there are usually two types of people: either Sky haters or Sky apologists. I do understand why fans feel strongly about him, but this type of thinking tends to pigeonhole characters in ways that are more about people projecting and presenting one-sided arguments than about the characters themselves. It's rare to come across a post about Sky that is not filled with unfounded biases and emotions, which is why I really appreciate it when people provide concrete examples or refer to the show when explaining their points.

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

I'm sure I have mentioned this before in some other post, but I'm not a fan of the way Bloom gained her Enchantix. Not because of any particular issue. I just find everything about Pyros so utterly boring.

[quoththemaiden]

I'm never sure if that line is meant to be interpreted literally (in which case it is utterly horrifying), or whether it's meant to be figurative (either that Aziraphale will have no choice but to pretend he's enjoying it, or that everything else will be so utterly boring that even The Sound of Music is better, both of which are less horrifying but still dreadful).

The result, regardless, is that Heaven has Aziraphale on its leash just as much as Hell has Crowley on a leash.

Aziraphale cannot safely leave. He cannot even safely talk about leaving. He can try to plan and prepare for it, but only in the most secret of ways. Running away to Alpha Centauri would not save him.

Even if Heaven did let him Fall — and there's no guarantee they would — Hell is worse. If we're going by the book, even Crowley agrees Hell is worse:

No more world. That's what the end of the world meant. No more world. Just endless Heaven or, depending on who won, endless Hell. Crowley didn't know which was worse. Well, Hell was worse, of course, by definition. But Crowley remembered what Heaven was like, and it had quite a few things in common with Hell. You couldn't get a decent drink in either of them, for start. And the boredom you got in Heaven was almost as bad as the excitement you got in Hell. But there was no getting out of it. You couldn't be a demon and have free will.

I think there's reason to believe the show is more open-minded about angels and demons having free will than that line implies, which would then have ramifications on whether Heaven/God could or would actually override Aziraphale's free will to make him like The Sound of Music or make him stop loving Crowley.

...but we do know they can erase someone's memories, and that's really good enough.

While I'm here:

#UGHFFFF YES#this is the core of it isn't it??#this isn't a human romance where they can run far enough away and their abusers can't find them#their abusers CONTROL SPACE AND TIME#they've GOTTA be careful if they want ANY shot#holy shit y'all you GOTTA remember that#Aziraphale is ready to GO#he was tentatively ready thousands of years ago#and he's been smashing his whole self against the door in recent years#he's so ready#he just CAN'T do it y'all#he can't just leave Heaven!!!!!!!!!!!!!#that's the whole point!!!!!!!!! (@meatballlady)

This is from the book, while Crowley is trying to talk Aziraphale into helping him stop armageddon, and does his drunken ramble about eternity. Apparently God enjoys The Sound of Music.

“You’ll enjoy it. You really will. You won’t have a choice.”

I feel like this line gets overlooked a lot. It’s an important line, for sheer horror potential.

Whatever the control mechanism is, clearly it isn’t running on every angel at all times, because if that was the case, a rebellion never would have happened. Aziraphale wouldn’t have six thousand years of doubts piling up to critical capacity. Gabriel wouldn’t have been able to escape.

But it’s also clearly very easily turned on, since they both accept that it would be used for something as petty as enjoying a movie. This lack of will can be rolled over angels at any time, for any reason.

Aziraphale clearly has some dread of this. *Crowley* knows it, and used it to convince Aziraphale to help him stop armageddon. But Aziraphale is very good at letting one part of his brain know something while another part of his brain denies it, so it’s not clear how much *Aziraphale* knows he dreads it, even as that dread shapes his character.

He’s never really broken free of Heaven. Even when he was being called a traitor, he wasn’t fallen, and so he was expecting to be called home eventually. And he’d be happy, of course. He won’t have a choice.

Aziraphale’s been trying to walk away from Heaven for at least six thousand years. He walked away from guard duty. He gave away his sword. He lied straight to God’s face about it. He lied to the archangels, and then straight up told Crowley he was ready to go to Hell. Several millennia of trouble-making and demon-fraternizing later, he stood in the middle of Heaven, declared he wasn’t going to fight in any war, then escaped via the demonic act of human possession. He is ready to GO.

And still his wings are snowy white. He’s just as angelic as when he first worried the pretty starmaker might get in trouble, and tried to protect him with a warning.

But he can’t escape. Heaven isn’t letting anyone else go. And he knows what his future holds. Eventually, no matter how many times they put it off, eventually he will be called back to Heaven.

And so, what promises can he make Crowley?

To stay with him always? Of course not. To love him? Can he even promise to love him? No. He’ll eventually be dragged back to Heaven, and he’ll be happy to go, and he won’t even miss him. *He won’t have a choice.*

And perhaps that’s the problem. He loves Crowley too much to make promises he can’t keep.