#(when I am not thinking about them in berlin. or in the wedding episode. or in the christmas special. or--)

[theythinkimabitch]

None of this is going to be decipherable, it's been less than five minutes since what was meant to be the end of the episode and even if I predicted this since Red made the request, I'm still absolutely livid.

Here's the thing: they both lost. Red and Liz. But more than anything, Liz lost. Before I start, I just want to say that I love both of their characters no matter how badly written Liz has been at the sake of Red's character and I have never resented Red's character for that, until now.

I'm gonna start with Red here. There's less for me to bitch about with him and at the end of the day, this was meant to be Liz's episode no matter how hellbent these sexist, misogynist writers were to focus this entire episode on Red's goodbye. Speaking of, that's where I'm starting with all this. Red's goodbye. This episode started off fine and I wasn't angry. But the minute Red's request was revealed is the minute it changed. Firstly, Red was right when he started to question whether or not it was fair to ask Liz to kill him: IT ABSOLUTELY WAS NOT! You're going to ask the girl you want to protect, the girl who's innocence you've been fighting for your whole life, to kill you knowing the whole time that you can't give her the fucking letter because she wouldn't want to kill him? Are you shitting me? THAT'S NOT OKAY! Now I am not blaming Red for who Liz became, but come on, I think we can all agree Red entering Liz's life wasn't the best mistake. Berlin caught onto Liz because Red attended Liz's wedding. I'm not saying he's responsible for all that happened, but there's a certain sense of responsibility there. He cannot ask her to do this. Sure, he gave her every out, but just think of how fucked up that is. Especially if they're trying to bait the HellTheory the way they want to and say that he's her mother. Secondly, THE WAY THE SPEND THIS WHOLE EPISODE ON CELEBRATING RED KNOWING THIS WAS MEGAN'S EXIT? LIVID! This more than anything pissed me off. If we were given a proper send off, if the writer's allowed Liz to get closure, I wouldn't be as mad, but this is infuriating. This right here supports every complaint that writers have had for the way they have written Liz. They consistently, constantly, any time they can, prop up Reddington at her expense and this is the embodiment of it. Speaking of, let's talk about Liz, now shall we?

Liz Keen. My beloved. My character wife. My sweetheart. I adore her. I didn't love her for the way she was written, I loved her despite how she was written. Elizabeth Keen was the most hated character on this show--hell she's the most hated character I've ever seen anyone talk about. But the more people hated her, the more I loved her. She has been through hell and back and now that we've reached the end for fucking what? From the beginning, all Liz asked for was the truth. The premise of the show was the truth as to why Red was in Liz's life. It started off being dependent on Tom and Berlin and it ended because of love. All Liz wanted was honesty. Slight tangent, but the way Red conditioned the truth on Liz to kill him? I know that was for the sake of keeping up the mystery the writer's somehow expect the audience to give a damn about, but that was cold. The truth doesn't fucking matter without Liz. The story of The Blacklist is the story of Raymond Reddington, the man we come to know as Raymond Reddington and the truth of their relationship. For as upsetting as that has been, for them not to have answered it before killing her off, was a slap in the face. It does not matter. There's no moving forward after this. Liz lost. Everything Liz hoped for, she didn't get. She lost everyone--she lost Sam, she lost Tom, she lost her innocence, she lost Jennifer, she lost her job, she lost her daughter, she lost the truth, she lost everything. There wasn't a moment in the show that Liz won. The moment before she was killed, Liz was on the path toward forgiveness. Liz was ready to have her normal life, Liz was going to have that. But no, she lost that too. Her whole fight since the beginning and she didn't get the answer. She died before she could get it. She forgave Red, she loved Red, she truly and finally accepted him for whoever he was and she was killed before the truth could finally be let free. The only thing she asked for, the one thing she wanted. Forget about all of Liz's failings as a character and a person, she died with nothing and that more than anything is what angers me.

[amyscascadingtabs]

this is sappy but whatever. i wrote most of this before the season started (which is why i come off as reasonable and somewhat mentally stable about all of this) but felt appropriate to post it now as a thank you. ❤️

i have vivid memories from the night b99 was cancelled. the news came late evening my time, and i had been editing fic and checked twitter and there it was. loud and clear. i don’t remember which site it was but the picture was jake and amy with their wedding cake and that made everything feel even worse.

i remember freaking out even though i had been prepared, because those last days before the news hit on tumblr were... panicked. but i still freaked out to the extent that i ran outside in my pajama pants and hoodie and blue plastic slippers and called my mom, and then i walked up and down the streets where i lived in the darkness and cried in frustration as she tried to talk me down. i remember there were random guys with motorcycles out? but i was too hysterical to care. i’m pretty sure i screamed something to my mom about ”HOW CAN BIG BANG THEORY GET A BILLION SEASONS BUT THIS SHOW GETS CANCELLED????���

i know everyone who was in the fandom at the time has their cancellation story. what played the biggest part in mine was the fact that i felt like i hadn’t had enough time. really, i had only just become active in the fandom, only just started interacting with people on here and writing my first few fics, but i was absolutely loving it. it was giving me happiness again after a long period of emptiness and depressive feelings. when it was cancelled, what made me feel the worst was the fact that i’d had so little time – to make friends, write fic and react to episodes together. i felt deeply jealous of everyone who’d gotten more.

thinking about it coming to an end now has made me remember that night and those feelings of jealousy. because i did get more time. i got three more years. that night, i remember asking for just one, for a half, for anything, and i got three years.

and these three years have been a whirlwind of emotions and feelings and episodes and debates and discussions and gifsets and fanfic and asks and having this as my safe space while pretty much everything changed around me in the outside world, and i just want you all to know that i have never taken a single day of them for granted. this show could have been taken from me before i’d ever gotten the chance to grow with it and alongside it, and instead it was part of my life for three whole years.

i have a really, really good memory (four time quiz champion anyone? just me?okay <3), and i remember so much of it in such detail, and it's so weird to think about how long it's been when it also feels like yesterday.

i remember my first comment on peraltiago parenting experience, my first episode-related fic, the insane high after the renewal, staying up all night to watch the wedding live. i remember writing fanfiction on the beach while on vacation in greece, on a plane to berlin, at home on my parents balcony late late at night. i remember the honeymoon episode title being released, s6 starting filming again, the excitement over every little piece of news and finding about the cast directing. i remember labor fic and christmas fics and when i scroll back to pictures of my paris trip in january 2019 it's interspersed with a billion pictures of andy at the golden globes. i remember lighting my fairy lights in my little basement room and watching season 6 in bed at 2.30 am if it was a big episode, and watching it in the morning before fridays in high school most days. i remember writing post-ep fics during classes and on my phone on subways and trains. i remember the s7 news, and the casecation nerves and debates, and fucking kissgate. being named "the class amy santiago" by my friends when we graduated and getting a little silver paper plate to show for it. i remember the first fic exchange and inventing julian and simon santiago and i remember meeting @johnny-and-dora and eating wagamamas in manchester and talking about how simon santiago was DEFINITELY on the stairs and buying a little fake plant that i named andy plantberg (he's still in a box somewhere). i remember writing fic during slow hours in the ice cream shop i worked at. moving and putting up my framed b99 poster in my own apartment (very much still up). finding out about trying and everyone going fucking crazy. infertility fic. melissa's pregnancy news. s7 promo and standing outside my job the very first day and texting siân "AMY HAS TO PEE!!!!!???" because that was in the promo and we knew there were pregnancy tests involved in the first episode. the crazy happiness of s7 finally premiering. everyone going crazy about jake and amy deciding to start trying and how i could quote the scene verbatim the next few days. the week leading up to trying, what turned out to be the last normal week before the pandemic. the fucking MESS i was after that. the following week and ding dong and crying with happiness. being dizzy with hyperfixation joy the following day and barely feeling aware of the covid pandemic for the first few days because i was just thinking about jake and amy having a baby. getting through the first few weeks mostly because of b99. admiral peralta and finding out we were having a BOY and not even being disappointed even though the headcanon had been the opposite for years because it was perfect. the iconic b99 quizzes. lights out and mac being born. somehow managing 475 days before season 8, coping together when we got the news about the final season, watching the cast do their final day of filming. the first stream being interrupted by a storm warning and cutting out several minutes because of course. getting to see parents peraltiago and MAC and the insane speed with which those few seconds were giffed. more b99 quizzes. the vow renewal. the finale.

i remember all of it and so much more and as much as my heart is breaking, i’m trying to remind myself that i could have gotten none of this.

brooklyn nine-nine has been such an important part of my life. and it always, always will be, forever. i could have lost it all that night, and instead i got three more years. if i'd known that when i was walking the streets outside my house in the darkness in complete panic, i would have cried with happiness.

so thank you. all of you. for everything. ❤️❤️❤️ for the friendships, the joy, the asks, the debates, the fic response, EVERYTHING. whether we've shared three years or one or less, just know that i'm so grateful.

have some random pictures i found and screenshots from my private instagram (which is inactive so don't bother) from when i started this hyperfixation. jesus lmao 😭😭😭😭 i am less insane now. no i'm not. but i express it less on instagram.

[apocalypse-gang]

TUA S3 Titles & What They Could Mean

Spoilers for All S3 Info (Offical and Unofficial) Under Cut

Note: These theories are all my own. This is pure speculation, and I do not claim them to be correct or the only "right” theories in any shape or form. I love to see other theories, and I am fully prepared and excited to be proven wrong when S3 comes out. Thank you and enjoy!

Episode 1: Meet the Family

Well that’s pretty clear, and we’ve all known about this one for a while. The Umbrella Academy meets the Sparrow Academy. The Hargreeves meet the Hargreeves, their replacements/new family members (kinda, and then Ben, their old-new sibling).

Episode 2: World’s Biggest Ball of Twine

Whether or not the Hargreeves visit the real world’s biggest ball of twine in  Branson, Missouri, I’m more doubtful. I am imagine it’s more likely something going to be mentioned throughout the episode. Maybe one of the members of Team Zero was born here, either in the town or at this attraction??? Maybe the Sparrows are seen/see themselves as an attraction or novelty? Or one of the Team Zero members of this timeline uses their powers as an attraction? I have no clue.

The ball of twine in question.

Episode 3: Pocket Full of Lightning

Someone has a lot of lightning. My initial thought is thinking maybe Five or Vanya? Since Five’s powers have sorta electrical stuff, and Vanya’s power can effect the weather?

But it is much more likely a Sparrow. Whether or not it means actuallightning powers or just having an abudance of power, we’ll see!

Episode 4: Kugelblitz

Kugelblitz, German for “Lightning ball”. I found two things referred to as “Kugelblitz” on wikipedia. One was “a German self-propelled anti-aircraft gun developed during World War II”. I am mostly ruling it out mostly because I could only see it being mentioned. and I don’t know why they would mention it. The second is

“a kugelblitz is a black hole formed from radiation as opposed to matter. Such a black hole would nonetheless have properties identical to one of equivalent mass and angular momentum formed in a more conventional way, in accordance with the no-hair theorem.”

And, while I don’t know how Team Zero could cause such a thing, I have no doubt that they could cause that.Maybe it is an metaphoical black hole they are getting into. Also, it’s interesting how it relates to the previous episodes title. Is lightning going to be something important this season? Does lightning = power, and this may be Klaus powerful moment? Or Five’s, since his time portal was confused for a possible wormhole/black hole(?) in the first episode of the series?

Maybe it’s just someting heavily mentioned in the episode, I can’t wait to find out.

Episode 5: Kindest Cut

I strongly believe it’s comes from the phrase “[The] unkindest cut [of all]”, which according to Dictionary.com, means “The most painful of insults, affronts, or offenses, often so painful because it comes from a trusted friend.”  It comes from William Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, and it’s how Antony describes the wound Brutus gave to Caesar.

So intially I assumed it had to do with Diego because cut, but now I’m not sure. Part of me thinks it may have to do with Five or Reginald? Maybe one of them is doing something they view as kind to Team Zero but hurting them in the process? I definitely see it is as betrayal done out of apparent kindess, though it would be pretty late for the Hotel Oblivion. I’m excited and scared.

Episode 6: Marigold

Okay this was the most fn discovery. Blackman mentioned in the Geeked Weeked interview that superfans would know about this since the beginning... Well I searched up “Umbrella Academy” and “Marigold”, I found an interview on AWN.com. It’s called “Different Day, Different Doomsday in ‘The Umbrella Academy’ Season 2″, and it was with TUA VFX supervisor Everett Burrell. One quote of his stood out to me,

In another sequence, Ben dissipates because of his interaction with Vanya.  “Hargreeves opens a jar and a marigold flies out into space; that’s how the marigold gets into the kids’ bodies,” Burrell says. “When Ben dissipates, Steve wanted the same marigold effect that is almost like fireflies breaking off and crumbling.”

He spefically called those fireflies things “marigold”. 

These things...

are marigolds. I think we’re finally getting answers to what they are, and how they related to the Hargreeves, their origins, and their powers.

And it fits. It’s something superfans have been thinking about, it’s something we’ve all been wondering, and we could figure out and understand.

I am trying my best not to freak out.

Episode 7: Auf Wiedersehen

I feel like we all the same idea of what this is about.  Auf Wiedersehen is german for ‘goodbye’, and Klaus, who’s name is german and speaks german (and is all but confirmed to be born in germany), has “Goodbye” tattooed on one of his palms.

Lowkey, kind of terrifying at first. Are we saying goodbye to Klaus? Is Klaus saying goodbye to Dave for good? But... we’ve speculated the worst for episodes titles before and they didn’t come to pass.

There’s been some unofficial set spoilers that give me one idea. They’ve apparently built the Berlin Wall, that was still up when the Hargreeves were born. Though that may be happening in an earlier episode, I’ll still speulate that it might happen in this episode? Maybe we see Klaus’ (and at some point perhaps the rest of team zero’s) birth. Maybe the “Auf Wiedersehen” is his mother saying goodbye?

But maybe they just time travel to the Berlin Wall? Maybe this episode has nothing to do with that? Hell, the title may not have anything to do with Klaus, maybe he said goodbye to the Sparrows? Or goodbye to the Mothers of Agony?

I’m trying to not be worried about our characters.

Episode 8: Wedding at the End of the World

Immediately made me think of “We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals”. I have no idea if it willl be a Team Zero or Sparrows or some other characters we’ll get to know this season? None of the Hargreeves seem like they’d want to get married at the moment, for many many different reasons. The goofball in me says Five married Dolores in the apocalypse.

Is the world possibly ending again? Or is it like,Team Zero’s world is emotionally ending. Is it an wanted wedding, or a happy marriage?

I wanna believe the wedding is Klaus and Dave so bad but I doubt it’ll be that

Episode 9: Six Bells

My immediate thought was wedding bells cuz of the last episode. There is a village in Wales called Six Bells, so maybe another Team Zero birth location? But it is more likely six literal bells? LIke they’re important to Reginald? Maybe Team Zero are like metaphorical six bells, but what would that mean?

I’m grasping at straws for this one.

Episode 10: Oblivion

Well, this is ominous. We know it has to do with Hotel Oblivion, but what exactly? Are the siblings escaping the Hotel and the wreck they caused, or are they going further into literal oblivion, a state of being unaware what is happening. Makes me think we won’t be getting a break for the Hargreeves at the end. And goes knows what they’ll have to face off next.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Riverdale 5x15 Review

I really loved this episode. I do think it was more of a stand alone episode as it didn’t really contribute anything to the overall plots of the season but it was still a very entertaining one. I kind of got the same feel from it as I did from those earlier episodes of the time jump and I think its because, like those earlier episodes, it was something new, the focus was new but it still had that nostalgia about it. I loved the focus that was given to the pussycats and the other POC on the show particularly the WOC. So lets go through the episode naturally these are just my own thoughts and opinions and there will be spoilers. 

The Pussycats

The episode starts out with a new narrator and this time it is Melody that is narrating instead of Juggie. I also love how she starts out saying ‘this is a story about a town’ but then changes it to ‘no this is a story about three girls.’ I like that emphasis that this is focussed on the pussycats and not the usual Riverdale town plots. We get given some information on what Val and Melody have been up to in the seven years+ since we last saw them. Melody is now a published writer and Val is an activist and actress looks like she also does alot of painting. They both are in healthy relationships. I have to say I did love how supportive Alan, Val’s boyfriend is of Val and how he doesn’t rush her on the whole marriage thing if she isn’t ready. Also love the relationship between Melody and Nancy and again they seem very supportive of each other and like I said both relationships seem very healthy. Also I love getting more backstory on them both especially Melody because she barely talked the last time she was on the show and the actress is very good so I am glad that she was given the chance to shine in this episode. 

Josie arrives at Pop’s and it was really adorable seeing Tabitha fangirling over  Josie. But right away its a bit of a mystery as too why Josie is back and I actually like that they didn’t tell us right away. I did think it was a little cheesy when Josie began to sing ‘It’s All Coming Back To Me Now’ but its the kind of cheese I like and I love that song, it the kind of song you just have to sing along with, plus Ashleigh did an amazing job with the song. I also think it worked well with the trip down memory lane that she takes. Also those dresses the three girls were wearing when Val and Melody showed up were stunning. All three of them just looked amazing. Also it leads into one of the best moments in the episode which is when Hiram comes to Josie’s room complaining about the noise and she calls him a little b*tch, not once but three times. I just loved how sassy she was in that scene and not intimidated by him at all. Josie goes to the school because she wants to do some writing and wants to use the music rooms which makes sense if she is trying to kind of go back to her routes and reconnect with herself then she spent alot of time writing in those rooms. Through teaching a music class as payment for using the rooms she reconnects with Archie who convinces her to come out with the gang that night. Once again we see Josie’s no holds barred attitude come through when she calls everyone out on all the crap from the past, pointing out that she was never given a choice during there old times to veronica, about jughead robbing pop’s, betty never really talking to her in school and Cheryl with the pig’s heart. As she is leaving she runs into Sweet Pea and I think he is exactly what she needed at that moment, he was able to offer her that comfort she was looking for and they were super sweet with each other. 

Josie reaches out to Melody and Val and they all meet up at the Whyte Wyrm, I think Josie was really looking to reconnect with them both because they were such a big part of her time in Riverdale as were the Pussycats. Josie is hoping they’ll record a track with her for old times sake. I do love that when she asks if they still perform both girls get their own solo performances. They kill it too I really enjoyed the songs in this episode and it does make me wish we had seen more of them in previous seasons, I think episode really did show just how much their talent was wasted in those earlier seasons. Also I am glad that they called Josie out on the way she treated them back then and how she didn’t appreciate them. But I also like that when they left it wasn’t on nasty terms you know, they weren’t trying to tear Josie down or be hurtful or mean they were just saying it how it was.  They tell her that it was good to see her and they promise to think about making the track with her.  

When Josie gets back to her hotel room her mother is there and we see Josie just break down in tears and we find out her reason for coming to Riverdale, whilst in Berlin she gets a call from her mother telling her that her father passed away suddenly from a heart attack. Devastated and unable to perform she just leaves it all behind and heads back to Riverdale hoping she could disappear for a while. As a quick side note here one thing I am confused about and that is are Tom and Sierra still married? Because Josie is surprised her mother is in Riverdale but that could just be because she was expecting her mother to be in New Orleans dealing with her father’s death as Sierra told Josie on the phone that she would deal with it all. But also at the end of the episode Sierra leaves with Josie. Yet I am pretty sure I saw her wedding ring still on her hand. Also in Katy Keene which I am pretty sure was set five years after the original Riverdale timeline so two years ago in the current Riverdale timeline Josie introduces Kevin as her stepbrother so if Tom and Sierra did break up then it was in the last two years. On top of that in ep 11 which I think is the last time we saw Tom he was wearing a wedding ring. So many questions. But anyway back to business. Sierra calls Val and Melody and I love her for this, she clearly understood that her daughter needed her friends support in that moment and so she explains that Josie had just lost her dad and this is what urges them both to agree to record a track with Josie but they also decide to do a one night only concert to help raise funds to reincorporate Riverdale. Josie is inspired to do this because she was given a second chance by Val and Melody and so she wants to give the gang and Riverdale a second chance too. I do feel like that has been a theme of this season, of making amends, mending broken relationships and starting over, of healing. I think last season was very much about exposing the trauma the town has gone through and this season is about trying to heal that trauma. 

So we are treated to some more amazing musical performances from the Pussycats and I actually got a really warm fuzzy and very nostalgic feeling when I saw them back up on the stage with that Pussycat symbol behind them. Also the way it was shot just looked really cool, how it started out with just their silhouettes. It was also really great seeing those iconic cat ears and tails again. Josie also had a really emotional performance when she sang a song for her dad and she sees him there. Ashleigh did an amazing job and it did bring me to tears. Come the end of the episode the three girls talk about how good it felt to perform together again and how right it felt. So they all decide to go on tour together. When they are boarding the bus we learn that Alan has chosen to go with Val on the tour but sadly Nancy will not be and her and Melody have a really sweet seeing Melody off scene where Nancy assures her that they will talk on the phone all the time. Again loving the supportive significant others. Then Sweet Pea shows up and asks if he could come with them too which is another sweet moment. I am sad to see Sweet Pea go but I am also happy that he is going with Josie and that they can be happy together. Just before they leave Josie replies to her mother asking if she is ready to go with ‘Unless this town has anymore surprises for me’ and girl honey you shouldn’t have said anything this is Riverdale. So of course a old band mate comes up to Josie and Sierra and tells them that her dad was messed up in some bad things including voodoo and that he believes Josie’s dad was actually murdered. So Josie decided that her first stop on the tour is going to be New Orleans. Personally I think this would be a perfect opportunity for a spinoff.   

Tabitha, Veronica and Alexandra  

The other storyline in this episode was centred around Tabitha and her endeavours to turn Pop’s into a franchise. At first she asks Veronica if she would be willing to invest but Veronica explains that it would be a bad idea because of the bad money schemes Chad has got her mixed up in. But then Alexandra Cabot shows up in Riverdale and it turns out she is one of the people that invested in one of Chad’s schemes and now she wants to withdraw her money which isn’t a good thing for Veronica. So she tells Alexandra about Pop’s and encourages her to invest in that. I do have one complaint about this plot point though and that is I wish they didn’t have the part where Alexandra has come back to withdraw her money and instead just had Veronica call Xandra up and tell her about Pop’s as a way of helping Tabitha out. As it was it seemed more like Veronica was more helping Tabitha because it was getting her out of a sticky situation than because she legitimately wanted to help Tabitha. For me just having Veronica call up a potential contact/ investor just because she wanted to be a good friend would have given that women supporting women moment more impact. I mean I do kind of understand why they did it the way they did, it was to remind the audience of that plot so that when it comes up in the next episode there is some consistency there. Also it was still good of Veronica to help Tabitha out I am just a little wary because from what I remember from Katy Keene Xandra was a bit of a shady one so I am really hoping that going into business with her doesn’t cause problems for Tabitha down the line. I really enjoyed the performance of Little Shop of Horrors but what I loved even more was when Xandra suggested changing the recipe for the milkshakes Tabitha stood up to her and explained the history behind Pop’s and how its wasn’t just a milkshake or just a diner it was a legacy. Also this is kind of irrelevant but I really liked Tabitha’s lavender suit. So now Tabitha is going into business with Xandra who after being inspired by Josie’s speech has agreed to not change the recipe. I do wonder if that means she is going to be on the show more often now or whether it’ll just be a background type thing with phone calls between them. I am also wondering what Veronica’s involvement in it all is. Is she just going to be redirecting the money Xandra put into Chad’s scheme into Pop’s so that Xandra doesn’t find out that Chad’s scheme was a bad one and tell the other investors so they don’t pull out too before Veronica can fix the situation? Finances and businesses are not something I really understand. Still I did like having that representation of three strong independent business women. I just really hope this deal doesn’t go wrong somehow. 

Toni and Baby Anthony 

Toni’s back! I also love that the way they introduced her again was just to have her pop up from behind a counter during a musical number. In this episode Toni is about ready to pop. I enjoyed those moments when she was hoping to induce her labour like when she was dancing. In the end she goes into labour during the Pussycat’s concert interrupting the performance. Still like they said better to be upstaged by a new baby than a dead body. I am still a bit unsure as to what the family situation is going to be and whether Kevin is still going to be involved. I mean Fangs was in the room with Toni and was often seen standing next to her like at the end when they came to introduce the baby to everyone. But then Kevin was pacing outside the room like an anxious father to be and when Josie commented about how gorgeous the baby was she congratulates all three of them, so she does include Kevin in it. I mean just because Kangs broke up doesn’t mean the three of them can’t still co-parent. I also loved that Cheryl jumped in to help deliver the baby even if that delivery did happen in true Riverdale fashion and take place in the back of a diner. She also looked genuinely happy for them too. It was also super cute that they named the baby Anthony after Toni’s grandfather. 

Little Moments 

There were some little ship moments in the episode, obviously Cheryl helping Toni deliver her baby and also she looked a little sad when Toni was introducing the baby at the end which I think indicated that she was regretful about how things ended up between her and Toni. Also when Josie congratulates them Fangs does look over to Kevin so I think he too is happy but also a little sad about how things didn’t really turn out exactly how they planned it. There was also a glance between Barchie and another glance between Jughead and Tabitha. But I am glad that whilst there were little moments there wasn’t anything that would detract from the Pussycats as this was their episode. There were little crumbs just to plant seeds for the next episode but the main focus of the episode was never overshadowed. 

Overall I do think this was a great episode that really celebrated the POC on the show and the pussycats in particular. I just really hope that this continues into the rest of the episodes going forward and characters like Tabitha and Toni do still get the attention they deserve. So far this season they have done a decent job of giving them screen time and keeping them involved with the plot. The same with the other side characters that were often neglected like Kevin and Fangs and Reggie. I would also love a Pussycats spin off so fingers crossed for that. Anyway that’s it for now so until the next episode.           

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Simpson is a Richmond-based singer and rapper who you may also know as Babe Simpson, one-fourth of the Tumblr-born rap collective Barf Troop. They dazed the internet back in the early 2010s with their uncensored, forward-thinking rhymes and aesthetics, and even got the attention of Drake. Though the collective has gone silent in recent years, Simpson has since cultivated her own steady following around her soft, and ruminative tunes. Her latest is 'Cherry Ice Cream Sundae,' a song about "treating ourselves with as much tenderness as we treat everyone else," she says, and is backed by a lush landscape of jazzy guitars and drums — a sound that could be considered a close sibling to the rap lullabies of Noname. Simpson's now sharing the song's peculiar video, which features a charming but eerie cast of marionette puppets. Over email, Simpson explains that she wrote the song after experiencing "a feeling that I’ve always been trying to put into words but I don’t think I was mature enough to be able to sing. I reached my breaking point where I was like, f*ck it, whatever happens, happens, and I’m gonna look on the bright side everywhere I can. I’m going to 'smile because I can.' I actually changed the original opening lyrics from 'The world is in the shitter' to 'Life is kind to who’s kind to it back.' The world has always been in the shitter, but that hasn’t made it any less special or sweet. I think that’s made me much more of a realist. I recorded it tipsy, upside down, hanging off my bed as a freestyle, and it felt so natural saying and listening to it back made me feel so proud." [via NYLON]

Earlier this week, Lana Del Rey revealed the artwork and tracklist for her new album Chemtrails Over The Country Club. Back in October, Del Rey shared the album’s lead single 'Let Me Love You Like A Woman.' It was the first song she shared from the album after postponing its planned September release. Now, she’s sharing the album’s second single and title track. She’s also announced that Chemtrails Over The Country Club will be out March 19. In a lengthy interview with BBC Radio 1 — during which she talked about the Trump insurrection and her album cover controversy — she mentioned that Jack Antonoff produced much of the album, minus 'Yosemite,' which was produced with Rick Nowels. Watch a music video for the album’s title track, directed by BRTHR, above. In a different kind of statement, prior to the release of the 'Chemtrails Over The Country Club' music video, Del Rey explained why she is wearing a cast in it: "When you see my second video for this album, don’t think that the fact I’m wearing a cast is symbolic for anything other than thinking I was still a pro figure skater. I wiped out on my beautiful skates before the video even began after a long day of figure eights and jumps in the twilight of the dezert. Anyways my fracture isn’t that bad kind of goes with my new bucket hat. Thanks to my beautiful family for my gifts." [via Stereogum]

Joining forces for the new uplifting track, G Flip and mxmtoon are sharing new empowerment anthem ‘Queen’, produced by Rostam Batmanglij. "'Queen' was written about the strong women around me, the queens that raised me and the queens I’ve met through my years,” G Flip explains. “My idea of a queen is not necessarily linked to gender; queens come in all forms and walks of life. To me a queen embodies power and strength; they embrace all they are fiercely yet gracefully. The song was written one sunny day in LA, I was chillin on Rostam’s lovely white couch and he turned around to me and said ‘how about we write a song about Queens’ and I replied with ‘F@!K yeah!’. I’m also super stoked to have mxmtoon on the track with me, she is an absolute queen. I first was introduced to her when I was trying to find ukulele chords to a Khalid song and found her cover on YouTube years ago. She makes awesome music and her voice has such a cruisy timbre to it so I was thrilled to have her jump on 'Queen' with me. She is also an avid croc lover and part of the LGBTQIA+ community, so obviously it just made sense!” mxmtoon adds, “So happy to be a part of ‘Queen’ with G! she and Rostam were such a joy to work with and so so much fun to collaborate with on creative as well. I’m so glad that it’s still possible to make art and music with someone even when they’re on the other side of the world, and I’m lucky that I got the opportunity to feature on G’s song. ‘Queen’ is a power anthem for any person, and I’m so excited for people to love it as much as we do!” [via DIY]

With her hotly-anticipated new album Magic Mirror out now, Pearl Charles gave us our latest teaser of what to expect earlier this week, sharing new glitzy bop ‘Only For Tonight’. “‘Only for Tonight’ tells the story of a currently bygone era of wild nights out on the town - the highs and lows of one night stands and the crashes of the morning after,” she explains. “The music video, directed by Bobbi Rich, leans into those excesses, paying a sparkly homage to the late-night musical television shows of the 70’s, from Soul Train to The Midnight Special, as well as the gauzy, Vaseline’d lens of ABBA’s music videos. With an added sprinkling of VHS special effects, you’re likely to feel like you’re watching a home-taped recording of a lost episode of Top of the Pops.” [via DIY]

Alt-pop trailblazer dodie has shared her new single 'Hate Myself' in full. Everything the songwriter touches seems to turn into melodic gold, with her debut album Build A Problem landing this Spring. Out on March 5, it's led by new single 'Hate Myself', which made its bow as Annie Mac's Hottest Record In The World. It's an apt title, with this instantly-viral moment offering an "inner monologue" that touches on some of dodie's inner-most feelings. The song depicts "someone who seems to find themselves in relationships of any kind with people who deal with their feelings internally - unfortunately resulting in assuming the issue is with them." dodie co-directed the video alongside Sammy Paul, shooting at the Cornish seaside village Polperro. The pair "excitedly landed on the silly idea of the training leading up to becoming a post-lady, and thoroughly enjoyed planning the many bizarre exercises she would have to perfect. Our excellent Art Director, Louis Grant, worked on bringing her home and training station to life. Though jogging on cliff tops in the rain, carrying a large sack and slipping in the mud was certainly cold and exhausting, I think I preferred it to slowly feeling sicker, licking stamps on a swaying boat by the Excel." [via Clash]

Berlin-based indie five-piece People Club are back with new single and video 'Francine', following on from their last release 'Lay Down Your Weapons', which focused on police brutality.  The new single 'Francine' tackles the topics of addiction and lovelessness. In the words of the band: "The song speaks from the voice of a lamenting partner whose lover (Francine) is helplessly addicted to drugs. Francine lost interest in her relationship with the narrator a long time ago. It's a song about commitment and how love can fade away leaving only wickedness behind."  Regarding the visuals, the band said "The 'Francine' video is a play on the old idiom of 'being your own worst enemy'. A phrase which quite beautifully captures the inner critic which we know so well, especially during the course of the pandemic - we've had to learn to each give ourselves a break. The video was shot in the depth of the harsh Berlin winter, in the depth of the pandemic." Director Felix Spitta added "I love the band and I love the different personalities. It is always heaps of fun working on creative output together. Riding through Berlin only with bikes and all the film equipment in the freezing cold almost felt like a masochistic idea from Saxon. It's inspiring to be surrounded by so many creative minds.”

Pale Waves are back with 'Easy', the third single to be shared from their highly-anticipated second album Who Am I?. Lead vocalist Heather Baron-Gracie describes the new track as "a song about how love can change your whole entire perspective on life itself. It’s saying ‘being in love with you is so easy, you finally make sense in my life because nothing did before'." The new single is accompanied by a James Slater-directed video that shows Baron-Gracie performing at a Tim Burton/medieval-style wedding in an abandoned church. Baron-Gracie adds, "I wore a wedding dress throughout and we shot the video in an old abandoned church. I’m really inspired by the gothic medieval aesthetic and at the time I was thinking of the video I was watching a lot of Tim Burton films whose creativity really inspires me." Pale Waves' second album will follow their 2018 debut LP My Mind Makes Noises. Baron-Gracie says of their upcoming album, "For me, music and art is for people not to feel so alone and isolated. I want to be that person my fans look up to and find comfort in." [via the Line Of Best Fit]

The official video for Zoe Wees’ new single, 'Girls Like Us,' is online now. Like the song, the clip sends a message of togetherness and solidarity to girls around the world who are feeling the pressures of society. Zoe Wees says, “It’s not always good to think about how you look to the rest of the world. It’s much more important to think about how you feel inside. It is not easy to call yourself beautiful but being confident helps you to accept and love yourself.” The 18-year-old Hamburg, Germany-based artist adds, “We’re walking through a world with blinded eyes. At the end of the day, we all go to bed without make-up with the ugliest clothes and wake up with the messiest hair on earth.”

Julien Baker has shared a new taste of her forthcoming album Little Oblivions by way of a new single ‘Hardline’. Julien says, “A few years ago I started collecting travel ephemera again with a loose idea of making a piece of art with it. I had been touring pretty consistently since 2015 and had been traveling so much that items like plane tickets and hotel keycards didn't have much novelty anymore. So I saved all my travel stuff and made a little collage of a house and a van out of it. I wanted to incorporate it into the record and when we were brainstorming ideas for videos we came across Joe Baughman and really liked his work so we reached out with the idea of making a stop-motion video that had similar aesthetic qualities as the house I built did. I don't know why I have the impulse to write songs or make tiny sculptures out of plane tickets. But here it is anyway: a bunch of things I've collected and carried with me that I've re-organized into a new shape.” The video for ‘Hardline’ was directed by Joe Baughman, who notes: “Man, even after having spent 600 hours immersed in ‘Hardline’ and having listened to it thousands of times, I am still moved by it. It was a fun and ambitious challenge creating something that could accompany such a compelling song. The style of the set design, inspired by a sculpture that Julien created, was especially fun to work in. I loved sifting through magazines, maps, and newspapers from the 60s and 70s and finding the right colors, shapes, and quotes to cover almost every surface in the video.”

Teenage Joans are staying true to their world and unveiling 'Something About Being Sixteen', a new single that's sure to cement their 2021 as victorious. It's the perfect successor to 'Three Leaf Clover' and a track that makes it two-for-two for Teenage Joans, further capturing the excitement and energy within Cahli and Tahlia as they trade catchy riffs and thriving choruses with the combo of light-heartedness and intimateness that seems to define Teenage Joans' work, and how they're able to look in at themselves (and out at the world around them) through a lens that keeps it fun and digestable. "'Something About Being Sixteen' is undoubtedly Teenage Joans' great take on the classic coming of age rock tune, generally closing our live sets with audiences singing along every time without fail," the duo say on the single. [via Pilerats]

Kate Hollowell took a risk going by the moniker Number One Popstar when she released her debut single 'Psycho.' However, Hollowell didn’t mind if that choice set her up for failure or not. She goes with the flow. Luckily, that mentality has advanced her even farther. Now, Number One Popstar releases her second single, 'I Hate Running.' New Year’s resolutions are, most of the times, created for the wrong reasons. It’s also no surprise that majority of people’s goals center around exercising and weight loss. 'I Hate Running', however, challenges that mindset, satirizing the toxic nature of exercise industry and diet culture. Hollowell said herself, “The song explores facing the hard, emotional work instead of the physical.  I really don’t enjoy running, and I wanted to troll the exercise industry and write an anti-motivational song.” In terms of sound, 'I Hate Running' shares similar vibes to her first single with its classic 80s pop of saturated synths. But, this time, there’s a hint of disco with the zealous psychedelic guitar and electric drums and keys. The interludes consist of a symbolic, robotic, and almost sinister snippet from a workout instructor. It all complements well with Hollowell’s escapist lyrics. Even though the lyrics say otherwise, the track’s sound might just spark that motivation to workout or dance, doing mindful movement that makes us feel good. Exercise should never feel like a punishment, and Number One Popstar is here to remind us. She makes us want to stick it to the exercise industry, proving to it that we will only work out for the right reasons. [via Earmilk]

Alt-pop riser Chloe Rodgers has shared her new video 'The Algea' in full. The Nottingham based talent sparkled in 2020 in spite of the pervasive gloom, releasing two startling singles. Her third release could be her best yet, with 'The Algea' hitting streaming services just before Christmas. The video captures those mid-winter chills, while providing a platform for Chloe to express herself. Constructed alongside creative director Kate Lomas, it was shot at Newstead Abbey in Nottingham. Chloe comments... "I wanted to use a music box in the video to represent being objectified and getting stuck in the same cycles, as that’s largely what the song is about. I wrote the song when I was 18, but didn’t add the verse at the end about claiming my power back until a couple of years later when I felt a bit stronger. We tried to reflect this in the video too with the Chloe in white sort of protecting the other Chloe of the past." Kate Lomas adds: "This was such a joy to watch come together, the video concept is based around the idea that Chloe is the character in a music box, she’s the performer that’s spinning round on an endless cycle for other people’s entertainment. The video tells the tale of Chloe definitely breaking this cycle and no longer playing this role." [via Clash]

Jaguar Jonze has announced her ANTIHERO EP will be released on April 16 via Nettwerk Records. With the EP announcement, Deena shares the official music video for her latest single, 'ASTRONAUT,' the follow-up to two previously released videos for 'DEADALIVE' and 'MURDER'. Each of the five music videos for the forthcoming ANTIHERO EP will come together through bold-palette videos that transform into an antihero character “in a cyberpunk, anime, futuristic, graphic, almost sci-fi world,” says Deena. Deena adds, “as ‘ASTRONAUT’ delves into my anxiety, I wanted the film to reflect that in a simple way that helped portray how my anxiety can sometimes manifest - a contradiction between feeling lost in vast spaces and trapped in claustrophobic spaces. I had a specific idea in mind, which meant that I had to undergo stunt training with professionals and learn how to maneuver in a wire harness. Most of the video had to be shot in a single take because of the stunts' nature in safety preparation, time consumption, and impact on the body. I'm still recovering from the bruises, but it was all worth it, and the team was amazing in pulling it all together. I'm proud of this one as it is 3 minutes of my rawest vulnerability, visually interpreted. I'm also finally ready to share it.” 'ASTRONAUT' is the sound of Deena liberating herself from a lifelong battle with anxiety.  “It is a human trait. It’s how we survive in the wild,” she says. “We’re all wired as humans to be quite anxious.  As females more so, because we’re more susceptible to danger.”

Rising star Mulay shares the smoking visuals for her new single, ‘Antracyte’. It’s the culminating release in a three-part video series from the Berlin-based alternative R&B singer-songwriter/producer/artist, ahead of her highly anticipated EP, which comes out at the end of the month via Groenland Records. Mulay explains about the single, “'ANTRACYTE' is the intro and title track to my debut EP. It’s the soundtrack to the birth of a villain and captures the moment of complete honesty to yourself about the awareness of doing wrong by the ones you love while feeling the inability to turn around. It’s about the desire to taste forbidden fruits, to cross and explore what lies beyond the line and the self-empowering feeling of playing by your own rules defeating the fear of consequences and the power of moral concepts. 'ANTRACYTE' tells a story of contradicting emotions, a story of love, lust, pain and a longing for more. It’s about facing your own darkness and sins, about self-revelation, emancipation and about paying its price, resigning to your fate.”

Only a band like shallow pools could make a blast of 'ice water' sound refreshing and necessary in the dead of New England winter. But the Massachusetts indie-pop group is usually pushing against the current of what we’d normally expect, and now the quartet hits us with a dose of cold reality through their new single and video. 'ice water' is a vivid new single that confronts the mental health struggles brought on by quarantine and isolation, and even the shallow pools aesthetic has reflected this by shifting from bright glowing neons to a more subdued color palette of beiges and browns. Call it a sign of the times, and call 'ice water' the sound of now; upbeat and jovial on the surface, a comet of pop smarts and hooks, but with the darker shine that resides in our lives when we’re positioned away from the screens and digital scenes. As Glynnis Brennan sings “Every day’s the same and / There’s no breaking out / Like I’m stuck here / Going through the motions now” well, we feel that. shallow pools describe “ice water” as “a departure from the music we’ve made in the past, but it’s the perfect bridge between our old and new sound.” That is certainly the case, and 'ice water' continues to showcase the group as one of New England’s sharpest, following a string of 2020 singles that included pop standouts like 'Haunted' and 'Afterlight'. “We wrote the song with our friend and producer, Chris Curran, and learned a lot about the type of music we want to be making in the process,” the band adds. “The song is about the impact that the state of the world has had on our mental health, specifically in the last year. We’re excited to share it and hope that anyone who has had similar experiences will find some comfort in knowing that there are others who can relate.” [via Vanyaland]

[starswallowingsea]

Transphobia in Cable Girls

Or: How not to write a trans character and story. 

Source: I’m a trans man and this was just BAD. 

Now before we really get into this, I will put a disclaimer here that no, I don’t think Cable Girls is the worst show ever and it’s cancelled or whatever. I love the show to bits and historical telenovelas are one of my favorite things to watch. I will say though, that the idea for this post has been sitting in my mind for a while, pretty much since I caught up to the Final Season Part 1. 

So with that out of the way, let’s get going. The character I am talking about is Oscar Ruiz (and for anyone not caught up to I think season 2 episode 3, his dead name is Sarah Millan). 

CWs: transphobia (obviously), violence, torture, war, mentions of nudity, sexual harassment, abuse mentions, murder, blackmail, general queerphobia, and spoilers for basically the whole show 

Oscar was originally presented to us as a sapphic woman attending a feminism presentation where he meets Carlota, and this in and of itself is fine, as I considered myself both a lesbian and a bisexual woman before I realized I was trans and I know other trans men and trans masc people have similar experiences. 

However, his character is outed as trans after his partner, Carlota, gets suspicious of him and goes through his things and eventually follows him to a hotel that he checked into under his chosen name and outing him as trans. Eventually this fact gets out to the other girls who accept Oscar for who he is and use his chosen name when they can. This is great! I was super excited when I watched this episode because I’m trans and I never see trans people in historical shows! But everything just goes downhill after that though. 

Oscar willingly enters himself into a place to help what today would be people under the LGBTQ umbrella, and he thought they would help him transition (I believe synthetic hormones were just starting to become a thing used to help cis people with medical problems, but were also sometimes used for trans people who could get their hands on it). Instead, he is forcibly TORTURED to make him stop being trans. We also see into other cells of queer and trans people who are just absolutely lifeless. Oscar is not allowed to call for help and ends up having to wait for his cis friends to get him out after a desperate call when he is alone in the main office. Later it’s revealed that one of the nurses there is also a trans man who was the son of the person who ran it and his punishment was to watch as other trans and queer people were tortured in this way. 

It’s also worth mentioning that Carlota convinced him to not go to visit a trans commune in Berlin and instead start a women’s activism movement in Spain. And in Season 3 his wishes for the movement aren’t respected at all and he ends up almost dying while handcuffed to a bomb with Carlota. 

When Carlota runs for office in season 4, she is bribed to drop out of the race by her opponent (who is a huge shitstain for the record). He ends up dead in a hotel after blackmailing Carlota with photos of Oscar in casual dress, revealing that he is, in fact, not a cis man. Carlota ends up as the main suspect, with almost no evidence originally pointing to anyone else. However, Oscar turns himself in in order to protect Carlota and he is sent to a women’s only prison, sentenced to death. I get that this takes place in 1920s Spain and even in 2020 we don’t have great trans rights in much of the world, there had to have been a different way to move this plot line forward instead of “the only trans character gets sentenced to death for a crime they didn’t commit to protect their partner” even though he was able to escape with everyone else (RIP Angeles). 

Season 5 has to be the worst offender though. This takes place during the end of the Spanish Civil War and there’s a few instances that just really pissed me off as a trans person. First, after the Francoist Republicans win and take over the press hotel that Carlota and Oscar are staying at, one of the officials finds Oscar hiding in their hotel as Carlota and James (another reporter for those who haven’t watched season 5) are trying to cover for him so that they don’t find out Oscar is trans. Good for them, but the official who finds Oscar makes him take his shirt off and upon realizing that he is binding his chest and “not really a man,” he makes some sexual and transphobic comments towards Oscar. 

After this brief interaction, Oscar flies into a fit of rage, while naked, and then puts on clothes that don’t match how he sees himself. The rage scene personally ticked me off. I don’t see any reason for him to be naked during it, especially as a trans person myself. I would have preferred he wear at the very least undergarments of some sort, but that’s just my personal preference. 

Anyway, these are just the most obvious bits of transphobia that Oscar faces, but compounded with the fact that he never seems to be happy, or when he does, it’s quickly dashed (like having Carlota dash out to meet with her political opponent right before their wedding and then get framed for murder) is just. Disheartening. He hardly gets any genuinely happy moments, and even though most of the show is just tragedy after tragedy, Marga still gets Pablo in the end, Lidia moves to America with Francisco, her daughter, and Angeles’ daughter, Angeles had someone who really, truly loved her right before she was shot helping Oscar escape prison (and also her abusive husband was murdered a few years ago). Yeah, Oscar moved to France with Carlota and they came back as conflict journalists to Spain during the Spanish Civil War, but it didn’t really feel satisfying to me. 

Like I said at the top, I don’t dislike the show and obviously transphobia has always existed in modern history, but that doesn’t need to be the defining thing about your only trans character. Give him a life outside of being trans, especially since I don’t believe any of the show runners are trans themselves. You could also argue that a lot of this is biphobia on behalf of Carlota, as both of their stories are heavily intertwined, although Carlota is the perpetrator of some of the subtle transphobia Oscar faces in the series. 

[feelingfolegandros]

Day 2,3,4, - Wednesday, October 28 - Friday, October 30 2020

Apparently I’m a masochist, because I scheduled two client sessions for my second day back. Well, technically they scheduled themselves that day, but I blame myself for opening my calendar up so soon. Oh well, c’est la vie! I am blessed to have work! Especially work that doesn’t really feel like work. And really, the most lovely people somehow want to work with me, so that feels great. 

The first one was at 9:30am, and I thought I’d do it in my bedroom, because I have a little desk setup in here that is something in between a coffee table and a side table with a very loungey chair with pillows to cushion my butt.. I love it. However, the internet in this room doesn’t always love me. The connection in this particular room isn’t so stable, and it was making it difficult to have a flowy conversation with my client. After moving into the main room where B.W. was working away on her laptop (we’ve joked that it’s our coworking space), I couldn’t concentrate... When I have a one-on-one session, I really need total silence and privacy otherwise it kind of all goes to shit haha...I decided to ask my client to reschedule and she happily obliged. Phew! We had our proper session the following morning (Thursday) and it went well. 

On Thursday, I turned on TV in the living room/ coworking space for the first time and someone’s Spanish Netflix account was still logged in. Score! Not because I need to use a Netflix account (My Dad pays for a shared family account, thank you very much), but because I didn’t have the patience to figure out how to log in or type in my Dad’s email with the freaking TV remote. I gleefully watched Season 4 Episode 1 of Keeping Up with The Kardashians while lying down on the couch eating pasteli (I think that’s what they’re called.. It’s these Greek snacks made of sesame seeds and honey). I don’t think I’ve seen this season before… But it takes place c. 2009 or so when Khloé has her whirlwind romance with Lamar Odom and they get married about a month after they first start dating. Honestly… iconic. I found myself drawing parallels between Khloé and myself. The situation with my boyfriend also feels like quite a whirlwind although I’m not expecting a proposal nor a wedding anytime soon. However, I can’t say I haven’t already fantasized about our Big Fat Greek Beach Wedding, possibly held at the same taverna we met at. 

On Wednesday night, I went for a solo walk in the early evening in Chora. I love being alone here. I spent a lot of time alone on Folegandros when I came for the second time from mid-September to early October. Later, Z.X. came over, mostly because he forgot his phone charger. He ate too much and was a bit stressed about some things regarding his house (which he is renovating himself) so I made him a mint tea. The next morning (Thursday), I discovered we had fresh mint in the garden! So lucky! The mint made an appearance later the same day when I brought a bunch of it to my friend C.D.’s house. He is the brother of the bride of the wedding where Z.X. and I met. I met C.D. at the taverna he works at in the summer alongside his sister. They’re both amazing and funny and warmhearted. C.D. basically lives next door to B.W. and I, and we both paid him a visit - bundle of mint in tow. He boiled water in a traditional Greek coffee contraption for our tea, and we all drank our beverages outside, even though it rained earlier that day. He made himself a freddo espresso with milk. 

C.D. worked in IT in Athens for much of his life, but moved here at the end of January for a fresh start, away from city life. The four of us - the two Greeks Z.X., C.D., and the two Berliners B.W. and I all moved here for the same reason this year… Very interesting! It’s nice to be around people that are all still enthusiastic about the island. Some OG locals, ie. those who were born and raised here, are a little more jaded after the decades they’ve been here. Living somewhere, anywhere, long enough, you’re bound to find things about it that irritate you, even if you live on an island where each beach you go to is more beautiful than the next. 

Today is Friday. Z.X. proposed we go to the beach today, so he picked B.W. and I up around 13h. Before that, we put a load of laundry in and I took the garbage we’ve accumulated over the past couple of days to the bins near the bus stop. (It’s important to note that the plumbing here on Folegandros like much of Greece, is not that robust, so you’re not supposed to flush paper down the toilet. So most people put their used toilet paper in a bin. Hence, part of the reason why we had accumulated two medium-sized bags of garbage in a few days.) I realized on my way back home that there were bins much closer to the house. Another too-late realization was that the shortcut I took on the way there cut through a sheep’s / goat’s pasture. I did notice some poop as I was walking through, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. Are goats chill? I have no idea… I won’t take the risk again, and I also noticed two locals taking the official shortcut which doesn’t involve shuffling over two waist-height concrete walls… It involves using makeshift ladders to scale them! 

Back to the beach! This time, we went to Livadi beach near the port. While B.W. was gleefully swimming parallel to the shore, Z.X. and I were standing about ankle-deep in the water. Suddenly, we felt the submerged sand below us slowly, surreally shift. (Too many “s” words, but I’m leaving it… hahahah) I’m not sure who mentioned it first, but we soon concluded it must have been an earthquake. It reminded me of the only other time I felt one - just over a decade ago when I worked in a giant office building one summer. To me, it felt like a strange tear in the time-space continuum, a strange physical and existential headache, and like techtonic plates below were shifting (which I guess they technically are). Anyway, Z.X. and I got out of the water, more in awe than afraid, and he called one of his friends, who also felt it, and experienced it as dizziness. He checked his phone and there was indeed a 6.6 earthquake further north in Greece. On Samos, two teenagers lost their lives, and in neighbouring Turkey, there were more deaths and injuries as part of the country experienced a tsunami. 

Z.X. and I planned to see each other next on Saturday night, but he called me later on Friday saying that Ireni’s Restaurant (my favourite) was serving rabbit tonight, he was going to eat there with a few of his friends, and would I like to join? Hell yes I would… Hell yes I did. Ireni - a Greek grandmother / matriarch / goddess / chef extraordinaire - obviously stewed those rabbits for us like they were the last rabbits she’d ever stew. They were served very simply with French fries, but we also had chorta (bitter greens) and Greek salad before the main event. Everyone drank alcohol… white wine and Raki I believe, probably beer too, while I had my usual neró (water). It was my first time eating at Ireni’s since the summer, and I was so delighted to be back there. Meeting Z.X.’s friends was great too. One of them lives on Folegandros too, and has a lot of common with Z.X. The other two live in Sifinos (either that or Sikinos… so confusing!) and were in town for a month or so. They could all speak varying degrees of English (more than my pathetic amount of Greek) and it was yet another elbow in the side from God or whoever to learn some more of this beautiful language. Photos from that meal below...

That’s all for now. I have a lot of catching up to do on my daily life here… Both in writing and in general (all shall be revealed soon), but I hope you’re enjoying reading all of this, whoever you are....

[druckenglish]

Season 4 Episode 6: “You are the way you are”

Text from Mia: Habibti, how was the henna night? I want pictures!

Deleted text to Mia: I punched a girl and now my mom won’t let me go to Australia

Text to Mia: It was nice

Amira: Yes?

Essam: Can I come in?

Amira: Out!

Essam: What do you think about my suit? Nice, isn’t it? Today your brother isn’t a loser for once. All of your friends will swoop me down. And you’ll have to protect me. What’s the matter?

Amira: I’m really not in the mood for that wedding

Essam: Family is family. You know how it is. Try salt water. It might make you vomit, but I always use it when I don’t want to go to school

Amira: Essam, come on

Essam: But it works. It’s gonna be fine with mom and Australia

Amira: I don’t think so

Essam: You know how she is. First she forbids it and then she allows it again

Amira: But for you other rules apply

Essam: Why? Because I’m a boy?

Amira: Yes, and you know it

Essam: No. Amira, not everything that happens to you is because you’re a girl

Amira: Of course Essam

Essam: No

Amira: To you and Omar baba would’ve said that he’s super proud of you because you defended your honor or something

Amira’s mom: Amira, I just talked to Nadia’s mother. We decided that it’s better if you don’t come to the wedding. Yallah Essam

Essam: Okay mum. At least now you don’t have to go to that stupid wedding

Amira’s mum: Yallah Essam

Amira: Family is not always family

Essam: Family is and remains family

Amira: Yallah go

Text from Kiki: You don’t have to help me move, I’ll do it on my own

Kiki: What are you doing here?

Amira: We agreed that I’d help with your furniture

Kiki: No, I said I don’t need your help

Amira: Can you please let me in for a second?

Kiki: No, I’ll do it on my own

Amira: Kiki, if it’s because of Friday..

Person: Kiki, can you come please?

Kiki: Yes, just a minute. No, I can really do it on my own

Amira: Who’s that? Do you have a visitor?

Kiki: Can you please just go now? I don’t have time, okay

Amira: What I said on Friday wasn’t that bad

Kiki: Amira, you totally snapped, I thought you were gonna punch me as well

Person: Kiki?

Kiki: Yes, I’m coming. Jesus, just go now and leave me alone

Person: Why aren’t you coming when I call you?

Kiki: Somebody was at the door

Person: Was that one of your friends?

Kiki: No, it wasn’t one of my friends

Google search: Women catfight

Video: Compilation: The 100 funniest catfights

Video: Women who fight each other: Zeina Nasser boxing

Video: Brutal muslim woman beats german woman. Deportation? My opinion

Video playing: Dear ladies and gentlemen, this video does not want to instigate murder. It wants to show the truth. We need to be informed, nobody else does it. I do. Hordes of foreign cultures and religions flood us, European women need to be protected against abnormal drives for action from aliens. We have to make a stand. That’s not racist, that’s normal. Do you want to be beaten up?

Google search: Women catfight muslim

Search result: Berlin Wedding (district of Berlin): Man beats pregnant woman with headscarf

Search result: Muslims in Saxony: “You won’t be happy in Germany”

Search result: Cologne: Woman in Niquab attacks lingerie saleswoman

Search result: Police operation: Muslim woman (35) beats her husband

Text from Sam: Sorry Kiki, the train was late. Just start painting without me

Text from Hanna: Kiki, I won’t make it today, I’m so sorry!

Text from Kiki: No problem girls, the boys can work in the meantime

Text to Sam: What are you doing at Kiki’s? Did I miss anything?

Text from Sam: Painting. You didn’t know?

Text to Sam: Nope

Text from Sam: Weird. Why don’t you come as well?

Text to Sam: I’ll see

Voice message to Kiki: Kiki are you being serious? You invite everyone over to paint except me?

Advertisement: 1 person tent 50€

Omar: *Rapping about blood brothers*

Amira: Blood brothers… isn’t that a bit cheesy?

Omar: Why, it’s true

Amira: Dude, either blood o friendship

Omar: Blood brothers is the best of both

Amira: And who’s your blood brother?

Omar: Mohammed

Amira: Aha

Omar: Mohammed told me about the two of you

Amira: And what did he tell you?

Omar: That you got along really well. And about your date at the park.

Amira: Don’t worry Omar, it’s over

Omar: He told me that already as well

Amira: Well then

Omar: He’s feeling really bad about it

Amira: And?

Omar: You probably too

Amira: So what

Omar: I just don’t understand how you can define someone through their religion

Amira: Yes of course. Do you think I ever would’ve stopped dating him otherwise? He’s the best person I know

Omar: And why don’t you just ask him why he doesn’t believe / have faith anymore?

Amira: Because it’s not important

Omar: It is to me

Amira: You know what, why don’t you go ahead and marry him then. Idiot. Put your legs away

Omar: Amira why are you always so harsh?

Text to Sam: Just met Zeina Nasser at the boxing studio. She’s giving the class today. Such a role model. Are you coming?

Text from Sam: Wow, cool. But sorry, I can’t. I’m with Abdi

Zeina: Yes, very nice! Stop it, stop! Hey, stop it! Amira! Amira, corner, now! Okay, you keep going. Partner A to the head with the jab and partner B to the body, okay? Deep breaths in and out. What was that, you were so aggressive? Look at me, hey, look at me. You’re super angry, aren’t you?

Amira: Yes I am

Zeina: I know that

Amira: Oh really?

Zeina: Yes, of course

Amira: And what do you do against it?

Zeina: I accept the situation. Look. What you just did, that were really great actions. But we had a task and you have to abide to it in that moment

Amira: Honestly, sometimes I don’t know what to abide to

Zeina: It’s okay, sometimes you don’t have to. It’s okay to go beyond boundaries and to be at loss, but believe me, that’s what makes you stronger. Just hang on. Okay, now get out of the ring, that’s it for today. You can burn off energy at the punchbag

Kiki: Hello?

Amira: Hey, it’s me

Kiki: Who’s there?

Amira: Amira. Kiki?

Amira: Hey

Kiki: Hey. Thanks. Come in

Amira: It’s super nice here

Kiki: Thanks

Amira: Kiki I’m sorry

Kiki: It’s fine

Amira: No, what I said to you on Friday... can I explain it to you?

Kiki: You really don’t have to

Amira: Kiki you were scared of me

Kiki: Amira...

Amira: No, I was just so mad at Elva that night I just vent my spleen on her

Kiki: No, I just didn’t want that ...

Amira: What?

Kiki: I didn’t want you to see my mum

Amira: Your mum?

Kiki: Yes. She was in the flat on Monday

Amira: So?

Kiki: You with your perfect family don’t understand that

Amira: Kiki my family is everything but perfect

Kiki: Your mum sets a whole table of food just so you make up with one of your old friends. My mum puts a bottle of vodka on the table for breakfast

Amira: I didn’t know that

Kiki: It’s no big deal. It’s okay

Amira: Kiki. I’m so sorry!

Kiki: Me too. And that with the painting was a mistake, but you know that, right?

Amira: Really?

Kiki: Yes of course really. Your my friend after all

Amira: And how is your mum doing now?

Kiki: It always works out somehow. But when I see you with your mum I just wish for the same thing

Amira: You know Kiki, yes, my mum puts a lot of food on the table when Nadia comes over. But at the same time she has a thousand rules for me that I have to obey

Kiki: Because you’re a woman?

Amira: Because I’m a woman. Because I have German friends. Because I have Arabic friends. Because I’m a muslim. Because I’m a muslim in Germany. Because I want to go to Australia on my own. Choose one. Every morning when I get up I fix my hijab (at least I think that’s what she says), put on makeup and know that today I’ll hear a stupid comment again. No matter if it’s my parents, my brothers, the society we live in, my muslim community that always knows everything better. Everybody has so many expectations in me, even my friends. Just because I’m a muslim wearing an hijab. That puts so much pressure in me, you know? And I just know that I can’t live up to everybody’s expectations, I can’t please everyone. Why am I trying again and again? Now I disappointed everybody. My parents, my brothers, Nadia, Mohammed. And you

Kiki: You didn’t disappoint me

Amira: Yes Kiki, and I understand it

Kiki: Amira, we just had a fight. It happens. Do you have any ides how often I fight with Carlos?

Amira: No idea

Kiki: Yes, all the time, we fight all the time. But we make up again. Do you have any idea how much I love you? You don’t have to be perfect for me. You just have to be there. You are the way that you are and that’s just right

Amira: I’m gonna cry. I love you so much

Kiki: I love you too. My phone is ringing

Amira: Wrong timing

Kiki: Mia. Hi Mia!

Amira: Hey habibi

Kiki: Yes, Amira’s at my place. Yes, everything’s okay again. No! Shit! Okay

Amira: What’s the matter?

Kiki: Yes, yes, I’ll tell them. Well then get home safe! See you tomorrow, bye!

Amira: What’s up?

Kiki: She missed her connecting train

Amira: No! That means she’ll come...

Kiki: ... only tomorrow. You wanna know what we’re gonna do now? We’ll throw our own party

Amira: YES!

[kiss-my-freckle]

The hiring of Tom Keen. The contradictions. 

From what they’ve shown, I believe Tom Keen had three separate employers. With the two they’ve shown, they’ve still handed us contradictions. 

Red and Berlin. 

Red hired Tom in 2009, Tom and Liz met July of 2010, Red fired/Berlin hired Tom in 2011, Tom and Liz married November of 2011. Tom said he worked for Red for two years. That puts Red hiring Tom in 2009. So Tom was hired at least 7 months before he actually met Liz in 2010. 

Red’s hire of Tom Keen.

2x19-

Red: When I hired Tom Keen, it was at a time of profound transition in your life. You’d already left behind the relative safety and innocence of youth. Sam’s care as a father had served you well, but you’d outgrown him. And I knew that eventually my life would jeopardize yours. So, in an admittedly presumptuous and ultimately futile effort to keep you safe, I hired Tom simply to be there as a friend of a friend to look after you from an arm’s length. 

5x8-

Major: The assignment’s deep cover. No timeline, no price tag. This may seem like a cake walk, but it’s the kind of assignment that makes me nervous. Our contractor has deep pockets. Demands the best, insists on anonymity. Tom: She’s cute. Major: That’s one more thing he insists on. Your job’s to be the friend of a friend, get to know this Milhoan, not to get involved with her. Just be a friend of a friend. You get that?

Tom: You hired me to spy on Liz. Red: I hired you to protect her.

Be a friend of a friend. I imagine friends protect friends, not spy on them.

Red’s fire/Berlin’s hire of Tom Keen.

2x19-

Red: When I learned that your relationship had become intimate, I fired him. I should’ve removed him, but you were already in love with him. And Tom, he shifted his allegiance to Berlin. In part - to protect himself from me, but also because it allowed for an inextricable intimacy and commitment to you. And so - you were married. And I couldn’t stay away any longer. A confluence of peril had entered your life, and I wanted to be within reach, to have influence. I turned myself in to the FBI to point you toward a truth that inevitably you would have to discover for yourself.

Tom aligned himself with Berlin prior to their wedding. He aligned himself with Berlin specifically so he and Liz could get married. That’s according to Red’s stated belief. This belief continues for both Red and Major in season two. 

2x15-

Major: Look, I told you what happened with Tom Keen. This is not my fault. Red: You vouched for him personally, Bill. I hired him on your recommendation. The merchandise was defective. Major: No. Keen was perfect - test scores, aptitude. There was no indication he would become emotionally involved. Red: But he did.

The Contradictions.

Major didn’t allow Tom to turn, nor did he get paid by Berlin for Tom to turn.

2x15-

Major: If I gave you his location, I’d have to betray a client. Red: That shouldn’t be hard, Bill. You betrayed me. You sold me an asset and then allowed him to turn when Berlin offered you twice as much. You’re in debt to me. Recognize this rather fortuitous opportunity for you to begin to make things even. Where can I find Tom Keen?

In fact, Major went off on Tom when he found out about their relationship. 

5x8-

Major: The contractor is livid. You weren’t supposed to get involved with the mark. Tom: Her name is Elizabeth. Major: I don’t care if she’s Queen Elizabeth and screwing her made you king. Get out. He will kill you if you don’t.

Tom’s romantic involvement with Liz began at some point after Red hired him, but also before Red fired/Berlin hired him. That means he was not hired by either Red or Berlin to get romantically involved with Liz. 

Who hired Tom to get involved with Liz?  

Someone did.

1x15-

Tom: I can’t. That’s why I came here, to tell you that I can’t do this because I love my wife. Jolene: Wrong answer! Elizabeth Keen is not your wife, she’s your target! Tom: She’s my what? Jolene: I think you know, Tom. Tom: What is this? Did they send you? Really? To what? Test me? I told you that I was in love with her because that is exactly what I am supposed to be. That - is my job.

Here, Tom admits that his job is to be “in love” with Liz.  Jolene refers to Liz as Tom’s “target.”

1x16-

Tom: You’re not my handler. I don’t work for you. Jolene: Berlin is having doubts. Tom: Yeah? Well, Berlin doesn’t have a damn clue. Do you have any idea how many candidates there were? They chose me. I’ve done everything they asked. I married the woman, for God’s sake. I’ve made her think my entire world revolves around her. And now - it’s been two years, and I’ve heard nothing.

Here, Tom admits doing everything they asked, that includes marrying Liz.

1x19-

Tom: It was the shoes. That’s when I knew. It was those brown leather shoes. It was our third or maybe fourth date. You’d come over to my place on Halstead, and we ordered, uh - takeout and rented a movie that we never finished because we ended up - And you had to get up early for work. And by the time I got up, you were gone. I remember standing in the closet, half-dressed, reaching for my shoes when I saw that you had drawn this little heart In the dust on my shoe. You remember that? It was the sweetest thing. And ever since that moment, I just felt - sorry for you. Because I knew - I knew that I had you. Part of me didn’t want it to work. But it did.

In Tom’s shoe story, he admits that it was his job to basically seduce her, that he didn’t want it to work, but it did. He knew he had her after their third or fourth date because she drew a heart in the dust on his shoe, and he basically felt sorry for her, but that was his job. 

3x7-

Tom: So, here’s the deal. Agent Keen and I were uh, married, as like, a job - you know? But you ever take one of those jobs just to pay the rent, and you find out that you’re - you’re good at it? Karakurt: You cannot excel at anything you do not love. Tom: Well, yeah. I mean, where were you when I was married? I didn’t figure that out till it was over.

Here, Tom admits to marrying Liz as part of a job, that he didn’t realize he was in love with her until it was over. This puts him realizing he was in love with her sometime after episode 1x19. 

3x13-

Gina: That’s why you want in on this? For her? Your phony wife? Tom: We’re not married. Gina: The mark you dumped me for? Here, Gina refers to Liz as Tom’s phony wife and his mark. Phony wife because marrying Liz was part of his job. 

Who was Tom's handler for Berlin?

Here's where things get really chaotic. Not just the employers, but the handlers too. We have two women who knew that Liz was Tom's mark: Gina and Jolene. Red and Major both appearing to believe Tom fell in love with Liz, neither of them commissioning him to so much as get romantically involved with her. Yet he was hired to do so, and even married her because they wanted him to. 

We have Tom referring to Major as his handler.

2x18-

Tom: These Germans want me dead. My handler too. So, please, I need your help. I need the passports.

Unless they lied in Tom's flashback in 5x8, Major didn't "allow" or "get offered twice as much" for Tom to work for Berlin.

We have Tom telling Jolene she’s not his handler. 

1x16-

Tom: You’re not my handler. I don’t work for you.

But we know that Jolene worked for Berlin.

1x16-

Jolene: Berlin is having doubts.

Jolene: We sent word four months ago.

Jolene: Berlin wants information.

The finer details. 

Tom told "Craig Keen" that he's the one accountable to Berlin.

1x18-

Tom: Easy for you to say. I’m the one who is accountable to Berlin. I’m coming to your hotel now.

Tom referred to Constantin while questioning the Russian with Katarina's photograph.

2x20-

Tom: Did the same thing last month. It’s probably why you don’t recognize me. Constantin. Berlin, man, he’s tough. I had to get away for a while, go to Germany, figure a few things out.

Here, he basically connected “Constantin” and “Berlin” in one sentence. A name Alexander Kirk hadn’t used for over 20 years. 

Tom knew where Berlin parked his money.

2x2-

Red: It’s funny. When I was standing there wondering if you had decided to let me die, a thought struck me. How did you know that Berlin had his money in that bank? At first, I thought it was the girl, that she told you. But the accounts would be coded, moved through shell corporations. Layers of protection. And then I realized, “No. Somebody has a secret Santa. A source.” Bravo, Lizzy. When you’re ready to share, I’d love to hear.

Tom also knew about Berlin's arms dealer.

2x7-

Tom: Sevan. Sevan Volkov. He runs arms for Berlin. He’d be able to set a meeting.

Red: I know you were expecting Volkov, but as luck would have it, he sold you out to Agent Keen.

Tom didn’t know of Alexander Kirk. 

3x22-

Red: Alexander Kirk. Tom: I don’t know who that is. Red: The man who ordered the attack on your wedding.

But he believed Alexander Kirk to be Liz’s father. 

4x4-

Liz: I don’t think he’ll hurt her. Tom: Of course he will. She’s his last chance of survival. Liz: If he hurts her, he loses me. Tom: Yeah, and lives.

And he believed this before getting his hands on the fabricated DNA report. 

He was "out" with Red.

2x19-

Tom: I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to be confused about my part in any of this. You, Liz. All of it. I’m out. I’m done.

He was "out" with Major.

2x18-

Tom: These Germans want me dead. My handler, too. So, please, I need your help. I need the passports.

Yet he asked Gina for help getting "out."

3x16-

Tom: So… I could end this right now. I could go find the Major, and I could end him too. Or… we can just agree to just walk away. I don’t come after you, and you don’t come after me or my family. Gina: I should have said yes that night in Budapest. Tom: No, Gina. Listen to me. I’m asking you to help me walk away. Please. Someday, maybe someone will do the same thing for you. Gina: I’ll try.

Gina speaking as if she were an employer of sorts. 

3x17-

Major: You were my finest accomplishment. And my biggest disappointment. Gina: Mine too. Gina: Those last few weeks, when I thought you were dead… I actually missed you. But I meant what I said. You’re my greatest disappointment.

And we have this bit of dialogue from Red to Tom.

5x8-

Red: I’ll say this for you - you’ve always believed that you were acting in her best interest. Selling me out to Berlin, faking her death - you always thought you were helping her.

[trbl-will-find-me]

Every Exit, An Entrance (22/?)

There are two (and only two) possibilities: either she led XCOM to victory and they are now engaged in a clean up operation of alien forces, or XCOM was overrun, clearing the way for an alien-controlled puppet government to seize control of the planet.

She’d really like to figure out which it is, but asking hardly seems the prudent option.

New Year’s is quiet. They watch old Twilight Zone episodes on her laptop and pop a bottle of sparkling cider when the clock reads 00:00:01 1 1 2016. It is not grand, and it is not fancy, but as her lips meet his, Elizabeth Regan is happy.

“Any resolutions?” He asks.

She tips her head against his shoulder. “Hmm, all the usual ones seem sort of blasé now. Who gives a shit if my paperwork’s late? Aliens invaded the Earth. We fought them off. We won. I’d like to say it’s to develop a more regular sleep schedule again, but somehow, that seems about as likely as learning to understand football. I know,” she says, after a moment. “How about finding bigger sleeping arrangements? That sounds good.

“You’re saying you don’t think two adults are mean to fit on the same twin XL mattress? I’m shocked.”

“Much as I loved undergrad, I could do without reliving that particular aspect.”

She feels his chuckle deep in his chest. “Don’t know why.”

She shrugs. “I’m just funny like that. Traveling spoiled me.”

“Lizzie, I hate to break it to you, but the bunk’s a lot bigger than an airplane seat.”

She laughs. “That’s not what I meant! We stayed in some fairly nice places. They had real beds. Beds big enough to share.”

“We only tested that, what? Two? Three times?”

“Three,” she says, wiggling closer. “The spiders. Zurich. Berlin.”

“Ahh, the spiders.” He kisses the top of her head. “How could I forget?”

“How could you forget? I woke you up at two in the morning.”

“You woke me up in your bathrobe.”

She laughs. “I thought it would be quick! I didn’t think you’d be offended. I still had underwear on!”

“I would go with distracted over offended.”

She presses a kiss to his jaw. “Sorry.”

“It was nothing compared to the villa. You know, the one with the pool?”

“I’m not sorry about that.”

“Tease.”

“I was hot! It wasn’t air conditioned!”

“You were in a bra and panties. They were floral.”

“You do remember!”

“I don’t think I could forget if I tried. Not that I’d want to,” he adds.

“Would it really have been better if I’d been in a bathing suit?”

“You were standing there in your underwear. It wasn’t a far jump to other places you could be standing in your underwear.“

“But is it really worse than a bikini?”

“You own a bikini?”

“God, no.”

“Exactly.”

“You were so surprised that they matched. I don’t know what you were expecting, but it apparently wasn’t that.”

“I was so surprised you were standing there in them.”

“I was wearing a silk blouse and a linen skirt. I couldn’t jump in a pool in those. The dry cleaning bill would have been even worse than it already was for that trip. Though,” she says, trailing off. “If you’re really so baffled by the sight of matching lingerie, maybe I should just keep the uniform on after all.”

He sets the laptop aside and catches her in a kiss, pinning her to the bed.

“I think I’ll adapt.”

–

She lingers the in the archway, watching Central help Sally fit her armor. He steps back to look at the girl, then brushes a stray bit of hair behind her ear. He reaches into a pocket and presses something into her hand, but whatever he says is too quiet to carry. She slips it around her neck and under her shirt, then throws her arms around Central’s neck. The gesture seems less foreign to him, and he pulls her in closer for a moment before releasing her.

Sometime later, the whole of Menace One Five stands assembled in the armory, split into fireteams: Sally and Kelly on one, with Zaytsev and Wallace on the other.

“For better or worse,” she begins. “This isn’t a standard op. You’ll be escorting two hostile parties to a rendezvous point that you’ll receive once you’re on the ground. Kelly, Royston: you’ll be with the Reaper. Wallace, Zaytsev: you’ll escort the Skirmisher.“

“We’re operating in the dark, people. We know little to nothing about conditions on the ground, or what you’ll be facing. Both the Skirmishers and the Reapers have agreed to a ceasefire for the duration, but I don’t know to what extent either side intends to honor those terms.”

She draws in a deep breath, and her demeanor softens. “My point is: be careful. We could be facing anything out there, and the nature of negotiations is volatile. Stay alert, watch each other’s backs, and don’t take any risks you don’t have to. If this goes well, we stand to gain two very powerful allies. Good luck, team. You’re on the clock.”

Menace salutes her and piles onto the Skyranger, stowing their gear for transport. She heads back towards the bridge as the craft rises towards the open air. Central gives them the go for takeoff, and they are on their way.

Forty five minutes til drop and she stands on the balcony overlooking the ship’s heart, a bottle of water in her hand. Central is next to her, hands braced on the railing.

“Sal looked like her mom, all kitted out like that,” she offers. “It’s gonna be like having a ghost on the field.”

He nods. “Steph would kill me if she knew.”

“Didn’t want Sally following her into the family business?”

“Think she knew that was inevitable. Just wanted to put it off for as long as she could. I promised her eighteen.”

“But?”

“But Volk must’ve had a reason for asking. If he really thinks a friendly face might help defuse some tension…” He shrugs. “She’s a good shot. She’s got good instincts on the field. She ever gets a better hold on that Gift, and she’s gonna be something else. Besides,” he shakes his head. “I know her. She would’ve found a way to go no matter what I said. Least this way, I get to feel like I gave her my blessing, instead of having her sneakin’ around behind my back.”

“You trying to convince me or yourself?” She asks, softly.

“Little bit of both.”

“It’s just one op.”

“And then another, and another. She’s an XCOM operative now. Not much I can do about it.”

“You said it yourself: was probably inevitable.”

His shoulders droop. “Regan, I never should have been a parent. Half the time, I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing, and the other half, I knew it was the wrong thing. But I tried to keep her safe. I didn’t always succeed, but I tried. Now, there’s not a hell of a lot I can do, but watch and hope. Just hits harder than I thought it would.“

–

What surprises her most is the normalcy. For all his concerns in the wake of Berlin, there is no discernible change in their professional relationship. Everything flows as it should. If the men suspect anything, they do not show it — a near guarantee that all appears as it was.

It occurs to her that it is because they have been together, in some way or another, for a long time already; always in one another’s orbit, always able to parse the other’s meaning with a minimum of explanation. It is what makes them such a good team, what has always made them such an effective team.

She could laugh.

Or kiss him, but she’ll have to wait til later for a shot at that.

“Commander,” her comm sounds. “When you have a moment, please stop by the labs.”

“Of course, Doctor. I’m on my way.” She catches Central’s eye across the room. “You’re in charge. I’ll be with Vahlen in the labs if anything comes up.”

“Understood.”

She breezes through the empty Common Room on her way and stops to pause a moment, trying to envision the space decorated for a wedding. She believes in Molchetti and Hershel, no doubt, but she still can’t wrap her head around it. Still, Steph had seemed grateful they’d taken such an interest in it; she and Edouard still seemed to have their hands full managing their families.

She realizes she will not have to wonder for much longer: the twentieth is rapidly approaching.

Vahlen pulls her into the labs’ small conference room almost immediately upon her arrival.  Shen sits in the dim light, apparently waiting.

“Should I call Central?” She asks, suddenly wary.

“No. Someone needs to monitor the energy spikes,” the Chief Engineer says, shifting uncomfortably.

“What’s going on, you two?”

“In the wake of the energy spike in the base,” Vahlen begins. “We noticed a change in the blood samples we had previously tested. The nanomachines, which we had previously observed in a dormant state, activated.”

“And?”

Vahlen reaches into her coat pocket and hands her a vial of dark green liquid.  “This was our sample with the highest concentration. While it still carries some DNA markers, it has been mutated beyond a state one could reasonably call human.”

“This was blood? Human blood?”

“Indeed.”

She passes the sample back to the scientist. “Goddamnit.”

“While correlation is by no means causation,” Shen offers. “I am reasonably confident that the Fog Pods serve as a kind of control mechanism for these nanomachines. The energy spikes we have previously observed must be instructions to remain dormant. The spike from within the base was likely an activation. If it was able to take out our monitoring tech, such a pulse would like be catastrophic to civilian communication devices.”

Her mouth runs dry. “So, it’s a time bomb. What do you suggest?”

Shen and Vahlen lock gazes for a moment. “A dual pronged approach,” Vahlen says. “My team will work to understand the machines’ effect on human physiology.”

“And mine will work to disable the Pods.”

The Commander nods. “Do what you can to start investigating countermeasures for those already … infected.” She rubs at her temples. “Brief Central, then get to work. Let’s not cause a panic, but we’re working against a clock we can’t track.”

She rises from the table. “Anything else?”

The question is met with shaking heads.

“Good. Dismissed.”

–

She does not think she is hallucinating, but she does not entirely believe what she sees is real, either.

Zombie movies were always something of a joke among her cohort. How could anyone be so bad at responding to a biothreat to let it escalate the way it always seemed to? What idiot allowed that to happen?

ADVENT, apparently.

The hoard, things that might have once been called human but might now only be called humanoid at her most charitable, advances down the alley, blocking Dragunova, Kelly, and Sally’s only exit path.

There is seemingly no end to their numbers, a whole city mutated beyond recognition. With each wave they shoot down, more appear. It feels like a video game with an unmerciful AI; she tries not to focus on the comparison. Her sense of reality is impaired as it is. There’s no reason to exacerbate the problem.

She tries to focus on the positives. Contact with the Reapers went well. Dragunova seems comfortable operating in the ruins. She’s a strong third member of the fireteam and already seems to have a decent rapport with Sally, who in turn, works in uncanny synchronicity with Kelly. For his part, Central has barely touched his flask, a fact she notes with no small amount of surprise.

The creatures continue their approach, unphased by the gunshots thinning their numbers.

“Out!” Kelly calls.

“I’m spent,” Dragunova echoes.

“I got this,” Sally chirps, scrambling on top of an automobile carcass, and onto a nearby fire escape.

“Sally, what are you —“

“Trust me, Commander.”

Gunshots ring out, and the Lost begin to fall in quick succession. Kelly and Dragunova reload and make quick work of the remainder.

She does not believe in ghosts — not really, at least. They are things of myth ad fairy tale, scary stories used to coerce little children in from the dark. The dead are the dead. Their memories roam the halls, yes, but the cause remains the grief of the living.

She believes in an afterlife, though. For her own sake, she has to. She has to believe that there is a chance, however small, that the lost are not gone forever, that reunions are not a pitiful dream.

She believes that, wherever Stephanie Royston is, she would be proud of her daughter.

Central’s grip on the railing is tight, but when she looks, there’s pride in his eyes. “That’s my girl.”

[thedancingsoldier]

My Top Songs of The First Half of 2019

⚠️Long Post⚠️

⚠️The Songs I’m writing about we’re more than likely not in the top 40 on the music charts (some might have)⚠️

1. Jax Jones & Years & Years: Play

A lot of these songs I fell in love with on the first listen. This song was one of them. It’s very generic pop with a tropical house beat that’s, for me, very hypnotizing. The song talks about someone falling in love with someone else over song that their dancing to. It’s very, love at first sight. But it works. And the cartoon that goes with this song is so cute!

2. Charity: Millenials

Even though this song was released in October of 2018, I first heard this song in January of this year (thanks Spotify). This song struck a chord with me, with it being so relatable. The songwriter talks all about the struggles millennials are going through and basically telling us we are not alone. All of this over a R&B/ Gospel beat that’s the glue of the whole song. I won’t tell my whole story of what I’m dealing with right now, but this song is basically tells about 70% of my story.

3. Judy Garland: Come Rain Or Come Shine

This song is one of many songs that was released before 2006 that I have’nt heard about until this year. I love it when little gems like this song is revealed to me an any way. This song was revealed to me via RuPauls Drag Race All Stars Season 4 the makeover challenge. The whole episode was Judy Garland themed. I thought I was cultured until I saw that episode and I was like, “I know nothing about Judy Garland.” This song is just one of many thing I’m learning in the way to being the ultimate scholar in LGBTQIA+ history. This song is very quiet in the beginning but the build-up is to die for! It’s like marriage vows, “I’m gonna love you come rain or come shine.” The song says. It’s basically someone’s marriage vows. The trumpets bellowing in the background is the cherry on top and the orchestra itself, is everything. If you know what I’m talking about, thank you Naomi Smalls for introducing this song and immortalizing this song for me and millennials everywhere who just found out about the song when you did an epic lip-sync performance to this amazing song.

4. John Legend: Preach

This song is truly EVERYTHING. Over a slow-tempo pop ballad instrumental, the lyrics tell a story. He talks about, he can’t just preach. Preaching is not enough, there has to be more he can do, to help the problems that this country is facing. With so many shootings happening across the US, there has to be more we can do. I love this song so much. The meaning is so heartfelt and genuine and John Legend just comes through shining and being motivational. I highly suggest this song if you are looking for new songs to listen to. It’s universal, it’s for everyone.

5. Jonas Brothers: Sucker

This song is catchy. It’s everything I love about the Jonas brothers and their recent release of music after their hiatus. It’s a perfect mix of DNCE (Joe Jonas and friends) and Nick Jonas’s style of music. It’s very Alternative rock and generic pop fused together. The lyrics talk about their wives (all of the Jonas brothers are married), and basically being so in love with them that their own personal rules, they break them, for them, because they’re so in love. It also helps that my foot can’t stop moving when I hear this song 😅

6. Kehlani: Buttlerfly

This song is soft and inspiring at the same time. Over a soft R&B/Soul vocals and beat that don’t come in until the second chorus, the lyrics talk speak about a metaphor. Comparing the butterfly, to the feeling you feel your stomach when you’re in love with someone, to finally expressing that love to that special someone. It doesn’t help that the outer of the song is exposing how Kehlani understands this feeling when it comes to virgos and how they process this. It’s chill, slow and the vibe is top notch.

7. Toni Braxton: You Mean The World To Me

This song was released in 1993 but I first heard this song this year as well. I was curious one day, because I’m a big fan of Toni Braxton, I just pressed shuffle on all of her music one day and this song started playing. I just started smiling from the groove and her voice that seemed to float over the instrumental. And the lyrics are EVERYTHING! To avoid being redundant and rambling on about what this song does to me, let’s just say is just wedding vows being recited in the best way possible with Toni Braxton singing.

8. Dash Berlin & Jonathan Mendelsohn: Locked Out of Heaven

This EDM song was definitely made for the club. And it’s music to my ears! The fact that is a Bruno Mars cover that’s mixed in with a whole beat symphony basically is everything. The beat mixes in tropical house & dubstep so well. Dash Berlin did a great job with this one.

9. Beyoncé: Sorry - Homecoming Live

This song is in the list because of 2 reasons:

1. Beyoncé released her 2 performances she did at Coachella as a fabulous documentary this year and she released lemonade on Spotify this year FINALLY.

2. Beyoncé did a mashup of this song with “Me, Myself, and I” at Coachella which she released on her 1st solo album “Dangerously in Love”.

I love this version even more because the marching band being the bulk of the beat in the back is genius, having a skit in the middle is great little break if you want a laugh and some motivation all at the same time. I don’t have to summarize the song for y’all, but for the 10% of people who don’t know this song: The song describes a lady catching her partner cheating, and the lady herself moving on with no regrets. It’s the perfect f**k you song is you in your feeling about your significant other.

10. T. Murray & Dr. Maya Angelou: 1:19 AM

This song is pure poetry. PURE POETRY. The groovy R&B poetry slam beat in the background is such a vibe against the poetic voice that is T. Murray. This song is very inspiring. The writer talks of her soul flourishing after a break up. And then asking for everyone else to spread love and not hate. It’s so powerful and groovy and the epitome of soul.

11. Leikeli47: Post That

“Hit that pose, take that flick, check your angle, post that s**t.” Instagram models everywhere, this is the song for you! That line is everything, this song is everything. I swear I get my life every single time this song comes on. By the way, be prepared to “Naomi Campbell walk” down the hallway my fellow gays when this comes on 🥰

12. Todrick Hall: Glitter

This song rang in my soul when that chorus came in. This song has a disco remnant in it that just has me lost in time. The lyrics have a metaphor in it comparing glitter to love and basically he wants all the love from that special person. Just like glitter, he wants it all. When this song was released it was February or March of this year when it was released, but I didn’t hear it until pride month when Todrick released a whole ep: Haus Party Pt. 1. The whole album is a bop, but this and 2 other songs stuck out and I can’t enough of them. This song is definitely timeless, to me at least I don’t know about y’all. Y’all have to listen to it to determine your decision of course.

13. Todrick Hall: Nails, Hair, Hips, Heels

Todrick has placed this song in the LGBTQIA+ hall of fame as the LGBTQIA+ anthem of the year basically. This song oozes with fierceness with that house beat and the lyrics are everything, “I don’t dance ,I work, I don’t play, I slay”, is just a taste of the lyrics. Todrick also wanted to make a song where if you couldn’t to the dancfloor fast enough for the first 2 minutes of the song the last minute will definitely have you on the dance floor. He wanted to make a “Get Me Bodied” replica if you will, and he succeeded and then slayed us all. YAS.

14. Todrick Hall: I Like Boys

This is me, this is all me. I already came out, im not coming out again, but if I ever did, I would just play this song, because it’s basically describing me and what I like ☺️ It doesn’t help that beat is infectious and works so well with the lyrics.

15. Diana Ross: Swept Away

I was swept away, if you will, when I heard this song fully for the first time. I heard part of it on “Pose” on FX. During the first season of the show, which highlights the underground ballroom scene in 1980s New York, 2 groups were doing a dance battle and this song was playing in the background. I didn’t notice it that much the first time I watched that scene, but the second time I was enthralled by it. I “shazamed” the song and it was love ever since then. Ms. Diana Ross slayed with this song and the scene in “Pose” immortalized the song for me as well. The song has this infectious 80s Pop beat in the back and Ms. Ross’s voice just floats over the beat. It’s entrancing, really.

16. Chloe x Halle: who knew (from Grown-ish)

This song is so smoooooth. Chloe and Halle’s voices just floats in this song so well! When I first heard this song I was in a trance listening to this song, just swaying back and forth. Ugh! It’s so good! The beat is a mix of R&B/Soul and African drums, but slow. The lyrics talk about a girl unknowingly falling in love with another person. It talks of fate bringing the 2 people together.

17. Sabrina Carpenter: In My Bed

This song got me by its beat in the chorus, and then the lyrics got me as well. The beat is a good mellow pop beat to start and then it picks up but mellows out even more during the chorus. It’s so chill but so powerful and relatable as well. The lyrics talks of a situation that gets stuck in your head and when you wake up your still thinking about it and your blowing it out of proportion at the same time. It could be a positive or a negative situation, either way she’s still still blowing it up to a size that it’s not meant be. It’s so relatable because I do that so many times and I’m sure a lot of other people do too.

18. Lebo M.: He Lives In You

To be honest I have heard this song before, but this is the first time I’ve heard it in the Zulu language. This song is absolutely gorgeous, powerful, chilling, and goosebump-making. The fact that Lebo M. decided to remake this song in Zulu, is amazing in so many ways. I want to thank Lebo for remaking this in a native African language, and for having The Lion King full of pan-African languages and references. It’s so powerful that Lebo decided to bring this song to life again and make even more inspiring in 2019. This song I recommended that everyone listen to.

19. Jade Novah: Show Out

I didn’t even know this song existed and I’ve been listening to Jade Novah for 3 years now including obsessing over her debut album last year. This is song is so underrated, and I use that word very loosely. This one is truly underrated. It’s melody and core of the song is a circus-inspired string of notes and over that is a hip-hop that’s infused to perfection over that. The lyrics are no-less than perfection. It’s inspiring using the circus to say show us what you got that’s so awesome. It’s telling you to show out. To show the world what is so special about you, what makes you different. I’m still obsessing over this song. And probably will forever obsess over this song.

20. Beyoncé: BIGGER

The fact that Beyoncé released a lion king inspired album and put a bunch of voice-overs from The Lion King itself in between songs to introduce the next song is absolute perfection. And she has African influences all over this album. Furthermore, this song is no-less than perfection and African inspired. The intro that came before is perfect for the introduction of this song, and this is the first song on the album. And it’s the perfect 1st song on an album like this. It’s powerful, chilling and, inspirational. The beat first and foremost, has African drums in it, which is appropriate. Over the drums is Beyoncé vocalizing in the background and a orchestra that melds so beautifully together to create this masterpiece. “Life is your birthright, they hid that in the fine print. Take the pen and rewrite it.” EVERYTHING. The lyrics seem personal to Beyoncé but also relatable to our lives as well. I almost cried listening to this song for the first time. This song could save a few lives. I’m so serious, this song could save lives. “You are a part of something way bigger.” And we are. Our lives, our problems are nothing compared to what’s happening around us, and our world. Look past, from what you see in the mirror. Look outside up in the sky, the universe, that’s you, the Stars, that’s you too. That’s us, all of us. We are all meant to do big things. Step outside of your little box and thing bigger. You might be surprised what you find out.

Even though some of these song I said already I recommend you listen to, all of these songs are worthy of at least one listen. Some of these a couple of listens. Well that was my top 20 songs of the first half of 2019. There’s so many songs I was unable to just strip it down to 20 songs of the whole year. Plus 40 songs at one time, is way too long. So, enjoy, and remember to always:

Eat

Slay

Live

Love

Laugh

&

Repeat.

💞💞💞

[a-woman-apart]

The Fourth Season of Felicity

WARNING: This contains multiple spoilers about the conclusion the Felicity TV series. I haven’t been this engrossed in a show in forever, and this might not be the most appropriate place to go crazy in fandom, as this blog is dedicated to other issues, but I am going to do it. After seeing the final conclusion I really needed to vent. I know it is an old show, but if you haven’t seen it yet, or are just seeing it now and do not want spoilers PLEASE DO NOT READ THIS.

   “I’ll never inhabit you the way he does.”

The above are the words that Noel said to Felicity, after she “traveled back in time” to try to be with him (we’ll talk about that weird deal later). It seemed that no matter how much Felicity tried to be with Noel, Ben just kept pulling her back in. Those words are a sad, but apt description of the ongoing saga that occurred with the three of them.

Really, maybe Noel never stood a chance, no matter how much that I wanted him to. Even from the beginning of their friendship, Noel was the person that Felicity would confide in- mostly about Ben. When their relationship blossomed into romance, though, Felicity would confide in him about everything. In my mind, they were the perfect couple. They were always so tender and attentive and they had amazing fun together. The first time they try to have sex, they end up lighting a Christmas tree on fire by mistake. It’s comical and silly.

If I were Felicity, I wouldn’t have wanted to go back to the moment when I first had sex with Noel, on the roof, I would’ve gone all the way back to the moment when I left him in the airport, leaving him to go to Berlin all alone, and instead went on the road trip with Ben. I feel like that was when she really made her choice. She chose Ben, who would later end up letting her down more than once. One of his worst moments is when he distances himself from her when he first finds out that she loves him, but one of his best is when he realizes his mistake.

The Felicity/Ben dynamic is just that- dynamic. Their relationship is volatile, filled with ups and downs, and passion, but love ultimately grounds them. They sometimes pull away from each other, but the best thing about them is that they also know how to forgive each other and reconcile. The relationship is one of uncertainty, but maybe the point of it being so glorified in the show is that one of the show’s main themes is that nothing is certain.

The great thing about the show is that it kept us guessing. I honestly did not know who she was going to end up with. The bad thing about the last season, though, is that there were so many loose ends. Too much happens in season four and not all of it makes sense.

Ben fathers a child with his dad’s AA sponsee and moves to Arizona (for a spell) to be close to his son

Noel gets on medication for depression

Felicity changes her major from art back to pre-med

Elena dies unexpectedly, but before she dies she has this whole existential crisis about how she isn’t “black enough” and it is never addressed again or resolved

Finally, Felicity travels back in time with the aid of a “wiccan” spell from Meghan because after Ben cheats on her at school in Palo Alto she realizes that she wishes she had gone with Noel (who is actually set to be married very shortly)

I get it. The show creators wanted to explore how becoming a parent can affect a relationship- especially if the other parent is not the one involved in the relationship. The pregnancy happened as a result of one reckless night together- neither Ben nor Lauren (baby’s mother) wanted to be a couple. The way things evolved from there could be considered a little ridiculous, though. For one, when he is helping Lauren move, she ends up driving drunk and they are involved in a terrible accident. Lauren is fine, but Ben has to go into surgery. Felicity rushes to his side, but his parents are nowhere in sight. I mean seriously, wouldn’t they have been notified? And why would Ben let Lauren take the wheel anyway, if he of all people should be able to tell when someone is intoxicated? Also, we never get to see the kid after It is born, and I feel like that was intentional, but for all the wrong reasons. We are made to feel like it is something that happens off to the side, something more external to Ben’s life than it actually is.

Then, there is the issue of Noel’s depression. His therapist recommends to him medication, and that he create some distance between himself and Felicity. I do appreciate how Abrams and Reeves destigmatize mental illness. I am not a doctor, though, but I think though that with Noel’s mood swings and behavioral inconsistencies he may have been leaning slightly more towards bipolar II than just regular depression (that’s just my opinion). Also, I like how even though Felicity and Noel are good friends- and Felicity is a good person overall- there is some emphasis placed on creating space between ourselves and people who might not be good for us, even when we love them dearly.  Mental illness is addressed again with Noel’s girlfriend-and-wife-to-be, Zoe, who reluctantly opens up to Noel about her struggles with depression.  

I guess Felicity changing her major from art back to pre-med wasn’t actually that weird. It probably would have been unrealistic to have her suddenly succeed in art, given the struggles that she had been facing. People change their major and then change back- that’s a thing that happens. I just feel that we never really get to see her soul-search that much about changing. It is something that is just sort of announced after she goes back to California.  

What is weird, though, is the situation with Elena. Out of nowhere, Richard invites her to a dance to try to impress this girl who is “PC as all get-out” and would be “impressed” with him “dating a black chick.” She punches him in the face, unsurprisingly, and when he comes back around, he tries to explain why she doesn’t really “seem black” to him. That is when she confesses that maybe he has a point, that there “has to be a reason why all my friends are white”- even though she loves them all dearly- and that maybe she was always just trying to fit in. This seems to address an elephant in the room, and was an opportunity for character development. Is it every explored again, though? No. Instead, they kill Elena off! She mysteriously appears alive again- with her on/off boyfriend Tracey- in the last episode at Noel’s wedding. I think maybe she really was dead and they did it for nostalgia, but it was a little bit confusing. Also, what is the deal with her punching people? None of the white female characters do this, even though they are given plenty of reasons, and I feel that it promotes a stereotype of black women as aggressive. On a whole, though, I was pretty comfortable with Elena’s characterization.

Now, on to the weirdest thing of all- the time travel spell. Wicca, in the form of Meghan, had been improperly portrayed on the TV show for some time, but this absolutely took the cake! In the end, the whole thing turns out to be a dream, but that doesn’t excuse how bizarre of a way this was to end the show.

The whole reason that Felicity wanted to go back to the roof- where she cheated on Ben with Noel- was that Ben cheated on her with some girl they studied with in college in California, right before Noel’s wedding. She attended the reception without him, but of course Ben came back crawling for forgiveness. So Felicity theorized that she had made a mistake choosing Ben in the first place, that she should have gone with Noel, and she considered that moment on the roof her one opportunity to change it all. Meghan, “helpful” as usual (for the record may I say she gives the worst advice ever) creates a spell to send Felicity back in time. What do you know, it works!

After the spell works, we encounter some of the strangest- and as a friend put it, “baffling”- events in the show we have ever seen. She tells Meghan that she’s from the future and needs to go back, but past Meghan doesn’t own the spell book yet, so she is of no help. Hannah comes back, Julie comes back, and all of this crazy stuff just keeps happening. Felicity is super intense and weird, because this is her “one chance” to make things right and be with Noel, but Ben isn’t willing to give up on her. In the end, Ben and Noel end up getting Felicity put in the psych ward because after she shares that she is “from the future” because they are worried she has had a nervous breakdown. Shortly after, Ben experiences something that makes him believe her and he breaks her out. Not long after this, they find out that Noel has died in a fire at the school- a fire that he saved Felicity from in the regular time line. After this, Felicity is more determined than ever to get “back to the future”. With Meghan’s help she finds the man who wrote the spell that originally sent her back. He is over the top, as expected, and has her talk about her past while he performs all these rituals that doubtless have nothing to do with real-life spells. So naturally, we get the nostalgic flashback that is typical of the end of a show.

In the end Felicity and Ben get back together, Noel gets married, and the gang- including dead? Elena- are back together for one last hurrah. It doesn’t seem like it’s happily ever after. It feels like the show could have just kept going, even though I understand why they had to end it there. What I don’t understand is why a show that had such a fundamental grounding in reality had such a fantastical ending- even if, as usual, it was “only just a dream.” Also, you would think that if Felicity had a “fever of 104” like Meghan said when she woke up, that they would have taken her to the hospital. It’s just so delectably cliché.

In the end, though, I kind of understand- Abrams is known for fantasy-based story lines, so he probably could not help injecting those elements into this TV show as well. Also, Noel was an unanswered question, and maybe he felt it best to give the issue some finality. In my mind, I still trace things back to Berlin. Noel wasn’t going to be ready to trust Felicity after that. It’s why they couldn’t get back together when things were rough with his girlfriend Ruby (Season 2). In the meantime, Felicity was always still in love with Ben. They were better off just friends, but I feel like Abrams made it seem like if they had gotten together Noel would’ve died, which is really a drastic way for things to end up. It’s also true that Noel was far more forgiving of Felicity than he had to be, but that was because in the end he truly loved her. It was more than just really wanting to be together, he truly cared about her. He made a number of questionable decisions, but with her he was always consistent, if sometimes cautious.

Then there’s Ben. Ben was supposed to be the unreliable one, but he was always there for his friends when they needed him. He always supported Sean. He stayed faithful to Julie, not seeing other people until they were broken up. He helped Javier with his citizenship test. He tried his best to be there for Avery, but he broke things off when she started to come between him and Felicity. He forgave his dad. He saved Trevor’s life. He made a decision to be a good father. There were so many amazing, noble things that Ben did, showing that he was more than just a hapless jock but he was a real person. He did sometimes struggle to express his feelings, but he always did the best that he could. Throughout the show we see him grow, and we see that Felicity’s love isn’t wasted on him. Even though I still feel as though Noel was the more stable choice, Ben really proved himself.

So how do I feel about the ending of the show? It was bittersweet. This show really helped me get through a lot of things, and I think that, for the most part, it was well-written and directed. The ending does feel a little bit haphazard and a little anti-climactic. I realized in the middle of this review that this was because the show was canceled suddenly. Knowing that kind of helps to put things in perspective. They actually did very well with what they had.

I think that Felicity Porter represents the part of all of us that craves adventure and struggles with not having all the answers. When she tells Sally about the reason why she chose Ben, it was because if she hadn’t gone with him she “would’ve always wondered what would’ve happened.” I think that all of us have felt that way at one time or another. After having traveled thousands of miles to be with Ben, she had to at least give it a shot when he finally reciprocated her feelings. Even though it may have been love at first sight, it definitely wasn’t a fairy tale. This show demonstrates how relationships can be hard work, but it is worth it if you are willing to work together.  

[helpersofindie-archive]

It’s 11:27 and the inbox is now open again! We closed the inbox on February 1st, and we’ve now had it closed for almost three weeks which has given us time to work through requests and get the inbox count down. We have gone from having 508 messages to 130 ( which is honestly amazing, that means we’ve managed to get through 378 asks). We now have 312 drafts instead of the original 370, and our current queue has 3 things in it. 

We’ve also accepted 11 new helpers into hoi, which is super exciting! They’re all super precious, so please give them a warm welcome! We’re all very happy to have them join the hoi team and I hope you all enjoy the resources they release on this blog!  While we have gotten the inbox count down to 130, we feel that we need a fresh start ( and a lot of the messages left now are old ones that no one has claimed ). Thus, we have decided to delete the inbox, so the inbox count is now at ZERO. A list with the deleted requests can be found below the cut. We ask that you do not resend the ones that weren’t aimed at a specific helper, BUT if you really want a request that you requested from someone you can resend it to someone else (or without a name).

We’d like to thank everyone for their patience during these 3 weeks, and also ask that you remain patient, since we still have a lot of requests in the drafts, and quite long to do lists. We hope everyone is having a good week and we’re excited that the inbox is now open once again.

remember, if you see your request in this list and would still like them to be done, then feel free to resend the request and hopefully one of the helpers will complete it for you! 

edit: only requests that were directed to specific helpers******

Hello! Could any of the helpers please make a gif hunt of Jonathan Hyde as Eldritch Palmer from the Strain? They can be normal and don't need any style. Thank you in advance!

Could someone familiar with wrestling do some rp icons of Randy Orton? More recent ones preferably. Thanks a million!

Can I request a manip of Ciara Baxendale and Grant Gustin? Thank you so much.

to anyone, I was wondering if someone could possibly make some 100x100 plain icons of tyler young in eyewitness? thanks if anyone can!

Hi! Could I request some icons of Ayase Haruka? If possible, from the movie "Umimachi Diary (Our Little Sister)". If not, any role would be perfect! Thanks!

Hi helpers, happy holidays<3 I was wondering if I could have a crackship of Tyson Houseman and Evan Peters please?

hello helpers! is there a helper who'd be willing to possibly help me out and make some base icons of Melanie Tran? ;w; And if not, could you please direct me to where I might be able to find some? Any help is appreciated! <3

Hi guys, I was wondering if I could request some icons of Tanc Sade in his role in Gilmore Girls pretty please?

Hey! Can i please a crackship of Finlay MacMillan and Freya Tingley? Thanks!

hey can i request an aesthetic of m/m interracial couples from lottie if she doesn't feel way too busy? thank you

Hi! Can I please get a manip of Jeremy Irvine and Xavier Dolan please? Thank you in advance!!

Could I please get a lovelt mannip of cory michael smith and eiza gonzalez? <3 <3 <3

Can I please request Rahart Adams icons from Every Witch Way, Liar Liar Vampire, and Nowhere Boys? Preferably border-less 100x100 HQ/HD? Forgot to add border-less in. x.x

Hey Gillan! Can you make some circular icons of Mune from Mune Guardian of The Moon?

Dear Jay and smutty-gif-hunt-anon, Thank you for helping out with what I'd be too embarrassed to request!! Rock on!

Hello if possible could I get gif icons of James paxton of eyewitness. any style works who ever seems inspired to do this works. thank you. I'm easy to please. Thank you again for all your hard work.

Will you make some Faith Wladyka icons?from Blue Valentine? Only if you're up for it :)

Hi Jay! Since you're the resident wrestling related helper I was wondering if you could help me with something. Could you make me a manip of Taylor Swift with the Raw women's title, please? Something similar to when Charlotte visited Today after wrestlemania? I didn't see manips on your WID, but I thought I'd seen you do a manip request before. Thanks in advance for your time!

I don't know if my request was received before or after the inbox was deleted so my apologies if this is a duplicate. Can I please get some roleplay icons of (Tristan Milligan) Lyle Lettau from season 13/14 of Degrassi? Thanks! <3

could i request some Darby Stanchfield rp icons as her role from abby whelan in scandal? preferably 70x70 white a light grey psd thank you so much in advance and god i love this blog - the indie community salutes you

Good evening HOI, could I request a man up of Shin Hye-Jeong and Jessica Parker Kennedy please?

Hi, Lottie! May I request some RP icons of Ryan McCartan as Brad Majors in the TV version of Rocky Horror Picture Show in style "scarlett," please? Thank you so much!

Hey guys! I was wondering if you could please do a manip of Kacey Musgraves and Derek Theler of them and some party or award show? Thanks, love ya bye!

Hey! I'd pretty please like to request plain static rp icons of Korean actor Jo Jung Suk if possible!

Hello! Could I please request an icon pack with Lily James in Downton Abbey using Blue's B6 style? Thank you so much! <3

This message is to anyone who has space on their todo. Culd i request some rp Icons of Keir O'Donnell on Wedding Crashers please ?

hey lovelies! I was wondering if someone was willing to do a manip of Emily Rudd and Matthew Daddario for me (sibling/friends vibes)? thank you in advance :)

hey there lovelies!! could i please request plain 100x100 rp icons made of christina masterson? thank you so much lovelies!

Hey there Samantha! Just wondering if you were up to making a gif icon hunt of recent Kat Mcnamara? Thank you! xxxxx

May I please request standard sized gif icons of Laura Vandervoort from the film Damage, please?? :333 Thank you, and Merry Christmas! <3

Thanks for being helpful and understand about my technical issues & letting me send my gif pack request here (Which admin would you like to complete the request? Anyone What is the url from the video? If it’s about a movie/tv show, tell me which the name of the movie/tv show+episode so we can find suitable download links.- skins 6x07 "alo" Who's the faceclaim?- holly earl as poppy champion Any specific PSD? Vibrant, Pale, Dark, or a link to one posted. " just 160x160 QUOTE text moodboard gifs

Hi Maxie! Could I request some icons of Taylor Dearden as Ophelia Mayer in Sweet/Vicious, in the mx17 style? Thank you!

Hello Ellen. Is it possible that I could het Dylan O'Brien gif icons in EL*013? Thank you in advance! :)

Hey Helpers! Is it possible I can get a twin Lin Miranda manip, one with short hair and one with long? Thanks!

May I request some Amy Nelson rp icons? [ underused face claim ] in any psd you want, I would appreciate it :D

Hello! Is it possible I could get roleplayable icons of Kalel Cullen? With a light psd and such?

Hello lovely helpers, can I please request for a manip picture of Elizabeth Olsen (brunette) with Evan Peters please? As a couple. Thank you so much. <3

Super random but can you pretty please make me some gifs of matthew daddario doing magic. Like instead of crackship gifs of him with another person , it would be of him and a faceless gif of magic aka gifs of wizard matthew daddario lol.

May I request a family template for Rachel Hilbert fc?

Hi, can i please request gif icons of Travis Fimmel in her role in Vikings (Ragnar)??? Thanks you very much. Oh, without border pls.

may i have a family template for sarah shahi? if you can, could her father be the one who's persian/iranian and her mother be the one who is spanish? but, if not, that's totally fine! thank you so much, helpers! xx

May I pretty please request a moodboard or aesthetic of Matthew Daddario and Cameron.Monaghan as Even x Isak from skam ?

Hello, there! First of all, I absolutely love your icons! I was just wondering if it was possible to ask for gifs/icons of Daniel Miller from Berlin Station? Thank you. Have a lovely day! :)

hey helpers! i'm currently working on creating a werewolf multimuse, and i want to have two packs represented- but for the life of me i can't think of pack names beyond the cliche "moonstone/bloodstone" kind of thing. so could you help me come up with names? if it helps, the packs are kind of opposites- good vs evil kind of thing. thanks so much!

Hello!! I was wondering if you guys could make me a manip of Tom Felton as Draco and Elle Fanning. As siblings.. Please and thank you! :3

Ayo! Can u make manip of Luke Hemmings and Dua Lipa, pls? Ty. ♡

Hi I was wondering if someone could make an Angelique Boyer gif hunt? I'm wanting to use her as a FC but realized there's hardly any gifs of her out there. I would appreciate it so much <33! Thank you to whoever decides to take it on.

Hi anyway! Can i request some Jun-ji hyun gif icons from The Legend of the Blue Sea please?

Would anyone be willing to make a gif hunt of Travis Fimmel in the the 2003 Tarzan, please?

You all are super talented and super awesome. i was wondering if any of you helpers could possibly do a manip or aesthetic of david gandy and helen owen as a power couple. Whichever would be easier. It's for a story i am currently writing.

Hello, can I please request icons of model and actress Nicole Fox? For whomever reads this I know her movies can be potentially triggering, so if you aren't comfortable with those, that's completely fine (frankly I'm just glad you're reading this). She was also in s13 of ANTM. If there's anything problematic about her, I am not aware, but please let me know. Thank you very much and have a great day x

Hi! I was wondering if any of you would be willing to do a family template for Romanian Actress Madalina Ghenea.

can i please request herman tømmeraas gif icons? thank you in advanced !

may i please request icons for maxence danet-fauvel?? Thank you!!!!

Could you please make some static rp icons of Ben Barns from By The Gun? Thank you!

Sorry, ignore my last message. Could I please request crackships of Britt Robertson and Jeff Goldblum from around Jurassic Park and The Lost World era? Thank you!

hey babes! i love all the manips you all do, so i was wondering if i could request a romantic-y manip of alec lightwood and max ehrich? preferably from under the dome for max, but really anything is fine for him! thank you so much

hello helpers! would someone be willing to make plain 100x100 icons of tom austen in his role as jasper frost from the royals?

I hope I'm not bothering any of you. I hope you all have a great holiday season. I was wondering if anyone would do a manip of Jessica Lowndes and David Labrava as a couple. You all do amazing work and should get more credit for all the hard work you guys put in. You are all talented.

Hey! I was hoping one of you would have the time to help me out with something. I've got all the human icons I need for my muse, but I'm seriously lacking in phoenix icons. I know there's Fawkes in Harry Potter, but I was hoping there would be manga/anime and/or other movies/shows with phoenixes in them that I could get icons from? Or if there are any icons/gifs out there already? Anything would help, please and thank you.

Hello is it possible to get Henrik Holm RP icons in G15 from his role as Even in SKAM?

do you guys make rp icons of animes and mangas? If yes can I ask for rp icons of Sarada Uchiha please? With a tiny white and grey border?

happy 2017 helpers ! hope you all are well c: i was wondering if i could possibly request a manip of seola from cosmic girls and hyungwon from monsta x ? please and thank you so much !

Hi there, can I please request a gif hunt of Jonas Nay from his role in Deutschland 83?

If possible could I get some Icons of the French Model Johan Akan the 3d scan for Nyx Ulric of Final Fantasy XV Kingsglaive? Please and thank you

Hello lovely helpers, can I please request for crackship gifs of Lily Collins with Evan Peters? They relationship is similar of Rosie and Alex's relationship in Love, Rosie. Thank you. <333

I lovely helpers! I was wondering if I could please request a manip of David Giuntoli as an X-Wing pilot from Star Wars? Thank you for your time <3

Hi :) Could you please do some Brent Antonello icons from the tv show Hit the Floor? I'd love that.

Hey helpers! Can I request a manip of Freddie Highmore as a Blue Lantern (or a green lantern if it's easier)?

Good morning helpers! Can I ask for a manip of Hunter Parrish and Robbie Amell please?

Can I have a manip of Kristine Froseth and Evan Peters? I'd like it if it was done mid-90's Polaroid style with using Evan's AHS Season 1 resources.

Hello helpers can someone make a manip of Zach Roerig and Matt lanter as best friend please?

hi, could i possibly get crackship gifs of america ferrera with long hair and chris (the guy) from the tv show skam? thank you in advance xx

Hey guys. I was wondering if any of you would do a manip of Rhiannon Fish and Scott Eastwood as a couple.

hello ! first of all, i'd like to thank all of u for putting in time to make resources for the indie community ! u guys are awesome ! secondly, i'd like to ask if any of you would be willing to make a manip of herman tømmeraas and ariana grande as friends ? thank u in advance !

Hello, can I please request a romantic "instagram-post like" manip of Zendaya and Cristiano Ronaldo? Thank you!

hi there! i hope you're all having a lovely day! could i please request gabi demartino gif icons?

Hey helpers! Can I request a (romantic) manip of Keahu Kahuanui (preferably with facial hair) and Nick Jonas? Thanks!

Hi, can I please request rp icons of Vika Bronova?

Hi guys, I was wondering if you could help me with a url for a Lord of the Rings elf original character, I'm using Emilia Clarke, primarily in her role and Daenarys Targaryen? thnx

Hi Helpers! I would like to know if any of you could do somes gif icons or icons of Trè Samuels, if is not a trouble. Thank you very much in advance <3

Hello! Could you guys suggest first and surname's for Naressa Valdez? ( I'm not sure if this counts as two asks? ) Thank you so much!

Hello, may I please request plain ( with pixel texture) gif icons of Jan Lisiecki ? Thanks in advance !

hello dearies! can i request some plain icons (bases, to be clear) of spencer macpherson in american gothic please?

could you please give me some ronan lynch urls? tysm, i love your blog!!

Could someone pretty please make a manip of Eva Green and Jeffrey Dean Morgan, by any chance? Thank you

hi love, can you do some gif icons of ryan gosling with beard and some from crazy stupid love? tysm <3

Hello can someone please make me some crackship gifs where it looks like Matthew Daddario has super powers.

hi i'd love some simple rp icons of alex steele in her role as tori santamaria in degrassi please <3

Oops! Sorry, I didn't realize there was a form! I recently changed my mind, though, and was wanting just plain RP icons (Robby Benson from The Chosen). Is that doable? Ahh sorry and thank you!

Can I pleeaaasseee get 100 x 100 black and white light textured rp icons of Amandaschronicles/Amanda Mckenna? It would mean so much to me! Thank you sm for all you guys do!

Could I please request some rp icons of Rodrigo Santoro? Thank you!

May I have an aesthetic (or a moodboard which ever you'd like to make) of Kristine Froseth and Evan Peters (AHS season one resources pls) as heads of a mafia known as the Gemini Mafia pls?

hello, could i request icons of Çağatay Ulusoy in a plain style, please? hope you guys have a great day and thanks for all that you do!! ♥

Can I please request some gif icons or a gif hunt, I'm not sure which is easier/preferred, of Raúl Esparza, please?

Hi! I was wondering if it was possible for someone to do a manip of Lady Marian (BBC Robin Hood) and Prince Arthur (BBC Merlin) ? Thank you. :)

Hello, yes! If you're still dong manila, can I have one of Katey Sagal (as Gemma Teller) and Norman Reedus. Preferably as a couple.

Is there any chance you could do a faceless gif hunt of a couple with a blonde female and a male who has dark skin? Thank you so much in advance!

can i request a manip of ryan potter and keiynan lonsdale?

can i please get a dominic sherwood x ashley moore manip? thank you

Hello helpers! I was hoping someone would be able to make regular, 100x100 RP icons of Morgan Lily! I would be much appreciated! Thank you for all of your help!

I'm not sure If you are still doing manipulations but if you are could I please request one of Matt Ryan and Marie Avgeropolous. Thank you. You guys are flawless.

hello! hope you're all doing well! i would like to request icons of Sophie Stuckey (from any and all ages, please). I did put in a request before, but i'm not sure if that's been done (and i haven't seen them) or rejected or forgotten about? so if anyone could make them or direct me to them or .. anything else? that'd be greatly appreciated. <3

Hi helpers! I was wondering if I could ask one of you lovelies to make a family template for Alex Brooke? Thank you so much!

could i ask for billy cranston from mighty morphin power rangers (David yost) icons? thank you thank you thank you :)

hey lizzie! thanks for opening your requests again. could i please request some icons of daniel sharman in the style L6? thanks so much!

hi lizzie!!! hope you're having a brilliant day! could i please ask you for some icons of jeremy irvine in the style L7? thanks so much!

hi hello lizzie! hope this isn't too much of a bother, but would it be possible for me to request some icons of Sean O'Pry in L7? thank you x10000 !!!!

lizzie could you pls make rp icons in L7 of chris wood as jake riley? :)

hey lizzie, could i please get rp icons of ivana baquero as eretria in L1?

could i please request gif icons of bellies during various stages of pregnancy? in short, gif icons of pregnant bellies? nothing fancy style-wise, but maybe a light texture, since i think those look best! thank you so much to whoever takes this up! (and another thank you to the rest of you, since you guys help the community so much!)

Hello! I have been unable to find any resources of Maeda Goki. He's a sadly underrated FC. If you know of some that already exist, could you link me please? And if not, could you please make some plain (no texture/border) icons of him from any role? Thanks for your help!

Hi Lia, could I possibly re-request the Toby Regbo as young Jaime Lannister aesthetic I asked for, if you'd like to do it?

can you make some icons of dean and renee kissing on total divas plkease??

I'm not sure if you've answered this but I I use Marie Avgeropolous as an fc and I know Olivia Steele-Falcone played young Octavia in The 100 but I don't know if she has enough films to create an icon pack.I know you have a gif pack form but I didn't see one for icons. Is it possible for anyone to do these for me, I would much appreciate it. Or if you have already done them can you link me? Many thanks in advance. You guys have been fabulous so far.

Is it possible for someone to make some PNGs? I need some supernatural creatures/scared/crying PNGs but I can't really find any. A mix of those would be great but just scared/crying PNGs are absolutely cool too.

hello! I was wondering if i could please request some icons of Tahlena Chikami? Possibly base icons? Or at least very little editing? I'd really like to use her as an fc, but she has almost no resources that i could find. thank you for your consideration and your time!!

would anyone be willing to make a manip (preferably a selfie) of cody saintgnue and ashley moore? :)

Could someone possibly make a manip of Jon Hamm and Michelle Forbes? They are married in my roleplay so possibly something of them cuddling or anything would be fine. Just a picture of them together would be amazing all together.

hey there lovely helpers!! i was hoping i could please request some 100x100 plain rp icons be made of ming na wen in joy luck club? thank you so much!!

Hello! If icon requests are open, may I please request plain 100x100 icons of Lulu Antariksa as Rowan in t@gged? It's on go90 :)

[mrsrcbinscn]

BDRPWriMo Task #16: TV Soundtrack

Task:  Jukebox Musical/TV or Movie Soundtrack - come up with a playlist of at least 10 songs, write a scene summary to go with each one.

AU: The Robinsons is a hit multigenerational Netflix show featuring an ensemble cast, chronicling the lives of main couple Franny and Cornelius Robinson from childhood all the way through their marriage, and the lives of their families. Rated TV-14 some episodes, but some have mature content rated MA.

These aren’t in chronological order, I was too lazy to fix everything because the ideas came to me out of order.

tw: violence, marijuana use, underage drinking (in the US anyway), abuse of prescription medication (ADHD meds), mentions of abortion (a side character), sexual themes, car accident

tagging my husband because lots of these involve him @nottomsellecksorry

[ooc: these events all happened, just obv not with cool background music]

Episode Title: Song

1. The Mugshot: Oh, Pretty Woman by Roy Orbison

(Inspired by the use of Istanbul in the diner fight scene in The Umbrella Academy)

Background: Since the beginning of the series, Franny Robinson has had a framed mugshot of herself throwing up the rock n’ roll hand gesture with a cut on her face on the wall of the Robinson home. This episode is where the mugshot’s origin is revealed.

Franny and Cornelius had only been married for a little over a year when they visited Franny’s parents in Georgia for her mother’s birthday. One night during their stay, they went out drinking in the city (Atlanta) with Franny’s youngest older brother (Art) and a bunch of Franny’s hometown friends. A man at one of the bars, one with a gorgeous outdoor bar, where the scene takes place, wouldn’t leave Franny alone even after she flashed her wedding ring. The situation quickly got heated and before Franny’s brother or friends could step in between them, the man shoved Franny back into a table.

[background noise is edited out in post-production, there is no sound but the sound of glasses falling and shattering on the bar’s patio as Franny looks down at her sandaled feet, now bleeding from glass cutting them a little.]

 And then;

[the first notes of Oh, Pretty Woman]

“He put his hands on me first. He shoved me first, you all saw that, right?” Franny said, holding out and index finger and pointing it at her husband, at her friends, at Art, and at strangers who had long since begun to spectate. 

“He touched me first. So this is self defense.” She said, pulling her hair back into a ponytail before launching herself at him. All five feet five inches of her came at him like a missile and absolutely knocked the crap out of this guy. Her big brother didn’t even need to throw a punch, she had this all on her own.

[Mercy!!] As Franny slams the man’s face onto a table. 

As they were both clearly fighting, both Franny and the man were arrested and taken to the police station, and while they took her mughot, Franny threw up the rock n’ roll gesture with a bored expression.

2. Payne Lake, Georgia: Blue by LeAnn Rimes

Background: Cornelius’s first EVER visit to Franny’s hometown of Payne Lake, Georgia. The first time she introduced him to her family. 

Neil and Franny join some of Franny’s friends at the little town’s bar on karaoke night, they’re hangin’ out, munching on the bar’s specialty - Irish Nachos; waffle fries with melted queso, scallions, ground beef, salsa, and black beans - with her regular hometown crew. But then her high school voice teacher (who is a bartender too because ‘Murica) is like “Franny Framagucci, it is KARAOKE night!!! Sing!!!!”

And Franny’s all like “Noooooo” because Neil’s only heard her sing in musical productions through NYU, or at showcases for jazz studies. So meticulously practiced and critiqued performances. She’d yet to invite him to any open mics she was going to or anything like that. This man thought she was perfect!! ! ! She needed to make sure he kept that myth as truth. 

So Franny was all “no, I simply CAN’T” but then her teacher started chanting ‘sing, sing, sing’ and her friends joined in, and then people around them recognized Franny - small towns, gotta love ‘em - and someone shouted out “Do Blue, Franny!”

“Haha, no way”

“Come ooooon”

“Well, if you inSIST”

When Franny was in high school, she’d learned to yodel to she could knock Blue out of the park to show up some bitch she hated at the county fair. Very South, Much Georgia, wow. So naturally, she stood on stage and rocked Blue in all her Georgia glory in front of her very Yankee boyfriend, exposing her very uncool country bumpkin side to him for the first time.

Except, it only made him think she was even MORE wonderful, he just got even bigger heart eyes than usual. 

3. Am I A Crazy Bitch?: Science vs Romance by Rilo Kiley

Background: Earlier in the episode, Franny had gone off on Cornelius because she was insulted he’d offered to pay for part of her tuition for the upcoming semester so she wouldn’t have to work as much. Because the last episode, he found out she’d been abusing Adderall on a semi-regular basis to be able to stay awake long enough to juggle school, work, a social life, and seeing him. And confronted her about it. So this episode, he was like “let me make it easier for you.” And Franny went off on him because she was A. insulted, and B. so mad at herself, because his response to his girlfriend abusing Adderall shouldn’t be ‘give her money for college.’ He should be!! Disappointed in her!! He should!! Hate her! And she felt disgusted with herself that he didn’t.

SO. 

The song plays while it flips between scenes of 

A. college-aged Franny sitting on the bathroom floor of her apartment smoking weed #hating herself after she went off on Neil before he left for a business trip to Europe. She can be heard muttered “stupid bitch, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you” as she moves to straight up laying down on the bathroom tile.

B. scenes of Neil in Berlin; in the back of a car halfheartedly listening to his assistant reading off the agenda for the day, pretending to listen to what his German nerd counterparts are saying as he’s just spaced out and sad, only picking at his food across the table from his assistant

C. Art (Franny’s youngest older brother) typing an e-mail to his parents because he’s too afraid to tell them in person he’s dropping out of university for the second time

D. Sophie (Franny’s mother) sitting alone in the kitchen of the Framagucci home after having woken up from a nightmare about her life under the Khmer Rouge, drinking hot tea 

E. Delia Weiss, one of Franny’s closest college friends and eventually lifelong friend, smoking a cigarette and standing outside of an abortion clinic that opens the next morning, after having found out earlier in the episode she was pregnant with her shitty ex’s baby, hinting to the audience she planned to come back tomorrow to terminate

4. Cambodian Independence Day: I’m A Cuckoo by Belle & Sebastian

Background: Franny, who had up until this point in her life, never cut her hair more than a few inches, was told she would need to bob her hair to star as Millie in NYU’s production of Thoroughly Modern Millie. Long hair is a cultural thing for many Cambodian women and while it didn’t carry too much significance to Franny personally, it very much mattered to her mother, Sophea (”Sophie”). The episode happens to be set on November 9th, which is the day Cambodia became independent from France.

I’m A Cuckoo plays as Franny’s standing in the kitchen of Cornelius’s NYC apartment, scissors in hand, just chopping off her hair that went down to just a couple inches above her tailbone. She keeps repeating, “I’m dead, I’m dead, I’m so dead.” Then says “Mak’s gonna skin my hide alive then use it as a lampshade, Ed Gein style.” 

When Cornelius laughs at her joke she whines, “It’s not funny, I’m serious! When my mother kills me say somethin’ nice about me at the funeral.”

Scene skips ahead to Franny examining her hair in Neil’s bathroom mirror, biting down on her lip and whimpering. He slips his arms around her waist and kisses her cheek, “I think it looks nice.” 

“I’m going to be buried. Alive, most likely.”

“Shh.”

“Mak’s going to kill me, revive me, then kill me again.” *whines* “I look like a Boy Scout.”

*Neil turns her away from the mirror to face him. “You look beautiful.”

“You always say that.”

“It’s always true.”

Aaaaaand some more kissing later, they’re having Hot Sex against the bathroom counter.  They’re horny 20-somethings, what can ya do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

5 & 6. Am I A Manic Pixie Dream Girl?: I Held Her In My Arms by Violent Femmes // Prove My Love by Violent Femmes

Background: Franny decided to give Cornelius a glimpse into what poor people do for fun. When she couldn’t afford concert tickets, she and her friends both back home and in NYC would go to parking decks overlooking amphitheater venues to see concerts. So she took Neil to a parking deck to watch a Violent Femmes concert - and planned to, for the first time ever, open up about some parts of her life.

I Held Her In My Arms plays and Franny’s dancing, having a great time, and tbh this is sUCH a manic pixie dream girl moment, I’m ashamed. She’s ashamed. God is ashamed.

Fast forward, and she’s back to sitting down, her legs fit under the barrier between the parking deck and the drop to the concrete below, so her feet are comfortably dangling in the air as she-- know what, lemme just copy-paste a selection from our Discord DMs 

mckala 10/26/2019 Oh wow wanna know the first time Franny was Purposely vulnerable in front of him vs. he-caught-her-at-her-worst-moments

mary 10/26/2019 uuhh yes pls, i say knowing i will regret

mckala 10/26/2019 OH the good news is, it's not SUPER sad, but it's #revealing SO

She opens up about how poor her family is, and how much she'd been bullied for being Asian, biracial, having an immigrant mother and Swiss immigrant stepdad and their funny accents, and how she puts all this pressure on herself to succeed since she couldn't be smart in the "right" way (STEM), so she HAS to do well in the arts against all odds to make her parents proud, and to make enough money so that her mom and dad don't have to work past retirement age. "So my mom can enjoy her life after what she went through in Cambodia under the Khmer Rouge."

But she does it...lowkey romantically, like

Franny takes Cornelius to the parking deck overlooking a lil amphitheater concert venue to watch a Violent Femmes concert, and now Franny has like a part-time job while in school so she CAN afford tickets -- and she has a rich boyfriend -- but she purposely took him to the parking deck to listen to the music and at one point she turned to him and said "When I was in middle and high school in Atlanta, we'd do this a lot. It was the only way we could afford to go see live shows."

And then she's like "We were - /are/ poor. Really poor. Not like you." Bc she assumes he was always decently well-off once he was adopted since his mother probably made at least six figures by her estimate. 

And she's monologuing pretty much until her eyes water without her really REALIZING. Just monologues about how much pressure she puts on herself to BE perfect, to BE the best, to not make mistakes because she already made the big mistake of not "Being smart enough to be a doctor, or an engineer, or a lawyer, or half as smart as you."

mary 10/26/2019 oW, my hEART meanwhile neil is just like, "there is no right way to be smart. and you're smarter than me in a million different ways, so we're going to put an end to that line of thinking right here and now." because he didnt look at music as anything other than white noise until she came into his life

mckala 10/26/2019 OHHH MYYYY GOD

SO. They’re all snuggling and kissing for a bit, then at one point Franny’s like “We need to go to the car right now so we can ;)” and he’s not picking up what she’s putting down because he is far less sexperienced than her lmao, so he’s like “...what? Wait, but - oh. OH.”

And Prove My Love plays as Franny gets nerdy, newly sexually active Neil to have sex with her in a his car in a public parking deck, SMH. At [special favors come in thirty-one flavors] the camera pans to Franny’s face as she’s receiving oral ASDFGHJKL; and at [third verse, same as the first] the episode goes to end credits.

7.  I’m Twenty-Two Years Old: I’m Sixteen Years Old by Ros Sereysothea

****TW: CAR ACCIDENT*****

I’m Sixteen is a running musical theme throughout the episode

Background: The previous episode, Franny and the rest of the cast that were NYU students have graduated from NYU. Last episode ended with Franny and Cornelius celebrating her graduation with both of their families, and plenty of nudges from both sets of parents ‘sooo, can we expect a summer wedding, orrrrrr does Franny want to take the summer to think about masters’ programs?’ A lot of Franny and Neil hissing at their mothers ‘Mak/Mom, stoooop’ but earlier that episode Franny and Neil actually talked about getting married next spring, once they figured out whether or not they were staying in New York now that Franny was done with NYU.

The episode I’m Twenty-Two Years Old begins with Franny driving at a comfortable five over the speed limit on the interstate at night. A cassette tape of Cambodian 60′s and 70′s psychedelic rock is playing in Franny’s car as she’s finishing up a phone call on her good ol’ Nokia 5190. (Remember, this was 2002.)

[I’m Sixteen begins to play in the background during the phone call when it was on Franny’s end]

“Yes ma’am, I should be at the house in about an hour.”

[camera shows Lucille Robinson in her neighborhood finishing up a night jog] 

“Franny Framagucci, you know I told you to call me Lucille. You and your manners.”

“I can’t help it, my mama would kill me if she knew I let Lucille slip sometimes.”

 “If you marry my son you can just call me mom.”

“What d’you mean if? It’s when. It’s for sure when, we just- we want to sort a couple things out post-NYU first.”

“So you’ve talked about it?”

“Mmhm. I’m going to talk to him about it again when he’s back from Beijing. I’ll tell you everything when I get to the house. Thanks again for lettin’ me crash a couple days. I dunno, I just feel kinda melancholy about graduatin’. Didn’t wanna be at the apartment all alone for a whole week.”

“You’re family, you’re welcome anytime.”

“I know. Love yoooou, see you soon!”

She tossed her phone onto the passenger seat and turned the music up. [I’m Sixteen is now playing loudly.]  Soon, a car going the wrong way comes speeding at Franny and Franny screams shrilly above the music as she’s aware there’s no avoiding impact. The scene fades to black and a countdown clock appears on screen.

9:00:00. Nine hours, zero minutes, zero seconds before the accident. 

Franny’s dancing around their apartment in one of Neil’s shirts and her underwear listening to that same cassette of Khmer 60s and 70s music. [I’m Sixteen is playing.] She’s singing along and when Cornelius steps out of the bedroom wheeling his suitcase behind him, Franny briefly interrupts her dancing to wave at him before she grabs a handful of Swedish Fish gummies (her favorite American candy) from an open bag on the countertop and pops one into her mouth while dancing.

She dances her way over to Neil and shoves a Swedish Fish in his mouth and asks him. “Got your deodorant?” He hums an affirmative. “Backup underwear and pants in case you spill stuff on your lap thrice in one day again?” 

“Must you have so little-” he’s given pause when she shoves another fish in his mouth. “-faith in me?”

Franny grins. “My love, I have all the faith in the world...in your clumsiness.” Commence some cute kissing before Franny’s like “hey, heeeey, no getting handsy. Because then I’m going to take your clothes off and you’re going to miss your flight, and Tanya [Neil’s assistant at the time] is going to kill me.”

Scenes between several of the cast of characters happen, yadda yadda.

Eventually when the clock strikes 00:00:00, Neil’s plane from his first layover at Dallas-Fort Worth touches down at LAX at the same time of Franny’s car accident. 

The scene cuts to the wreckage of the two cars, it is out of focus and shaky with occasional flashes of clarity to show important actions. Franny’s car falling into place upside down, Franny’s neck not supporting her head anymore because she’s unconscious and her head the rolling to one side, other drivers leaping out of their cars and running to the wreck.

Cut to what can be assumed to be a couple hours later, at LAX. Neil’s still waiting on his flight to China and just chilling, humming the tune of I’m Sixteen because it was in his head from this morning. He begins to mumble an approximation of the lyrics, but he’s immediately disgusted with his lack of ability to speak Khmer. He turns to Tanya.

“Do you think I should learn Khmer?”

“Huh?”

“Khmer. I should learn it.”

“Oh, that language your girlfriend speaks? Good luck. It sounds rough. Every time she’s on the phone with her mother I think they’re fighting.”

Cornelius shook his head. “I think it’s beautiful.”

“You’d think it was beautiful if it was just high-pitched screeching because it’s to do with her.” Tanya poked affectionately.

Neil’s phone rings. Caller ID says Art, Franny’s middle brother.

[I’m Sixteen plays over the background noises of the following scenes spliced together]

Cornelius shooting out of his seat and listening with wide eyes before running to the nearest counter to find the first flight back to New York, Franny in surgery, Bud and Lucille (who were the first people Franny’s family in Georgia called to ask them to go to the hospital since they’re in New York, they’re in Georgia) scurrying out of the house, and poor Tanya looking frustrated as fuck as she realizes Cornelius is about to just throw away important investment opportunities to fly back to New York for a situation he has literally no control over.

8. Brothers and Sisters: She’s Actin’Single (I’m Drinkin’ Doubles) by Gary Stewart

Two years before Franny even met Cornelius, she was an eighteen year old high school senior and her oldest brother was Going Through Some Shit. Specifically, a breakup.

He was laying on his bedroom floor listenin’ to sad cowboy music and she was like “fuuuuuck no” so her 5′5 ass grabbed her over six foot tall big brother up off the floor and hissed “We’re going to Uncle Lemmy’s garage right the fuck now!”

In one hand was the cassette Gaston was listening to, tucked under her armpit was a bottle of Maker’s Mark she swiped from their vati’s (father’s) collection on the way out, and she had an iron grip on Gaston’s hand with her other hand.

Unlce Lemmy was a Vietnamese man actually called Tất Văn Hữu Liêm  in proper Vietnamese naming custom, but to the neighborhood kids he was Uncle Lemmy. 

“Bác Lemmy!” Franny called out in Vietnamese as she let herself in after knocking. “We need to use the garage. Gaston’s girlfriend just broke up with him.”

“Oh, dear. Do you kids need anything?”

“You wouldn’t happen to have any goi cuon laying around would you?”

“I can roll some!”

“Don’t trouble yourself, Bac Lemmy.”

“Nonsense. Gaston is in crisis!”

In Uncle Lemmy’s garage was a karaoke machine. Franny popped in the cassette of sad cowboy music and shoved the mic into Gaston’s hand. “Sing it out, you sad bastard.”

She opened the bottle of Maker’s Mark and took a swig, handing the whiskey out to Gaston, too. The songs you listen to in your sad cowboy hours? They covered them all. All My Ex’s Live In Texas. Neon Moon. Long Gone Lonesome Blues. (”Whooo, fuck that bitch!” shouted Franny at some point during Hank Williams.) Misery Loves Company. I Told You So. 

The highlight of Framagucci siblings drunk karaoke at 2:30 in the afternoon? She’s Actin’ Single.

[I've seen men look at her before And they think, I don't see] “God,” Franny slurred, very, very drunk. “How fucked is that? Fuck off, partner, that ain’t your woman.”

[I know she'll be lookin' back The minute I'm not there While she pours herself on some stranger I pour myself a drink somewhere]  “Daaaaaaamn, bitch.”

By the chorus, Franny and Gaston were just wasted scream-singing the lyrics at each other.

9. Go Ahead:  Go Ahead by Rilo Kiley 

Basically, the song the soundtrack team put over the scene where Franny took Neil’s virginity lmao. You can tell I stayed up til 6:30 am yesterday working on this task, and now it is almost 4 AM the next day and I’m still trying to finish, so I’m very much trying to stop being Extra now.

It was v soft and giggly and the most wholesome sex scene in cinema mmkay

10. That Damned Penguin Song: Papa Pingouin by Sophie & Magaly

One week when Wilbur was very small, Cornelius and Franny made the mistake of letting Franny’s Swiss Italian-French-German speaking father be the main one to watch Wilbur for a four-day period when both Franny and Neil were insanely busy. Adrien was a godsend, really. Whenever Wilbur was being fussy he would sing and dance to the 1980 absolute BOP that is Papa Pingouin.

But when Adrien Framagucci left Swynlake after his visit? 

“Muuuuummy, Daaaaaaaddy. Penguin! Sing penguin!” 

Except, neither of them knew what the actual fuck Wilbur was talking about, until Franny suddenly remembered from her childhood. When Adrien, who wasn’t her biological father, was trying to convince Franny to like him so she’d let him marry her mother, she vaguely recalled a French song relating to a penguin.

In her memory, six year old Franny had demanded Adrien do something stupid in public and he obliged by singing a French song and acting like a penguin.

Slowly, tentatively, Franny sang the first few bars

Le papa pingouin, le papa pingouin Le papa, le papa, le papa pingouin Le papa pingouin s'ennuie sur la banquise...?

“Muuuuuummy noooo, you gotta do dance! Pépère does the dance.”

Franny inhaled sharply and turned to Cornelius. “How much do you love me, dear?”

“Huh?”

“You married me. It’s not like a Wal-mart where you can just return me if you bring the receipt, yes?” “Uh...”

“I’ll explain after the little guy is satisfied.” With that she turned to Wilbur, sighed, and did Papa Pingouin with full enthusiasm. If French wasn’t Cornelius’s best second language, it was by the time Wilbur outgrew Papa Pingouin.

The penguin song was Wilbur’s favorite until he outgrew it. For years. Years. Y E A R S, Neil and Franny were in a loop of Papa Pingouin. Cornelius is now 45 and Franny is about to be 40. Papa Pingouin still haunts their dreams.

IT IS 5 AM ON DAY 2 OF WORKING ON THIS LMAO FINALLY DONE

[kiss-my-freckle]

Keen vs. Bond

Liz’s feelings about Tom being a spy. 

This is sure to be a bit lengthy, as I’ll be weaving in and out of both deleted and on-screen scenes, and including random & not-so random images as I go.

Because body language is important.

Liz speaks to us in the pilot about her plans to rewrite the past by having kids of her own. Something I believe she was having second thoughts about before the helicopter even flew over her front steps. Given Red didn't know Owen Mallory's story, I'd say Liz came to the decision not to adopt on her own. Because kids shouldn't be used to rewrite the past just as much as they shouldn't be used to smile for a couple's Christmas card.

"I’m board certified in forensic psychology, and yet I operate under the delusion that I can rewrite my past by having kids of my own."

I wouldn't so much consider Liz's rewriting her past through Agnes as much as she's trying to give her a life different than her own. With little to no memory of her own past, Liz takes video footage of Agnes in their safehouse, of Baz waving a big smiling hello. A bit of memory that her daughter will one day be able to see for herself, a memory that won't be hidden in her subconscious because it was blocked.

"If I go through with this, you will be my only link to my past. I lost Sam. I lost my mother. And I’ll lose Kirk. And whatever you want to call him, he was married to my mother. He raised me as a child. And he’s willing to do what you are not- tell me about who I am."

Just as much, Liz plans to give her daughter what she didn't have. Growing up as an adopted child, not knowing the truth of her parents. She wants to give Agnes a family, moreso- two parents who love one another. So Liz pushes for a shotgun wedding, hoping to be married before Agnes is born. Though she wants it done fast, she wants it done right, and in her mind- this is right.

"I am attempting to build a life with the father of my child. A normal life with two parents who love one another. With everything you know about me, can’t you see that? Can’t you see how important that is to me? To my child?"

Liz also wants a normal life for her and Agnes, something spoken of often in this show, but more notably in The Djinn. Because having your mother killing a spy in your own kitchen while you're asleep upstairs isn't what anyone would consider normal.

"It’s been the same thing for as long as I can remember. I’m walking in a park with my husband. In between us is our little girl. I’m holding her hand in mine... and I never let go."

I'm just gonna jump ahead to season three, since that's where it really starts for this particular post. Even better, let's start with the fact that Liz fell in love with Tom Keen, a man that never even existed, as Red stated in The Pavlovich Brothers and Liz stated in Lord Baltimore.

Liz: He’s gone. My husband is gone. Red: Your husband never existed.

Attorney: The judge signed it. May be of little solace, but he granted your application for the annulment. As far as the District of Columbia is concerned, you were never married to Thomas Keen. It’s none of my business, but I noticed you’re keeping his name. Liz: My husband - was an impostor, a fake. Keen was never his name.

Liz never fell in love with Tom Bond, and Tom knows this. Looking at his proposal in Mr. Gregory Devry, and his choice to look for a teaching job in The Vehm was a huge indicator. Tom was trying to become the man that Liz did fall in love with. 

Tom: I got to check out the campus in uh, Boston, so I’ll clean this up before I go. Liz:  Okay. A teacher? Tom: There was a lot about our old life that I really liked, including you.

Before their wedding, he spoke of giving up the spy life, adding to this goal of his, to become the man that she fell in love with.

"Look, what I want you to know, is that it happened because I made it clear that I’m out. I’m done with those people and that life."

Always claiming to want that normal life, which Tom started speaking of back in Leonard Caul's episode. Again, adding to his goal of becoming the man Liz fell in love with, wanting that normal life just as Liz wants.  

Liz: I thought you’d be gone. Tom: That was the plan. Then I thought maybe if I stayed, I’d have a shot at a normal life.

Liz never did fall in love with Tom Bond, but I believe she expected Tom to change, to give up that life because he fed her his desire to do that throughout the show. And so... I feel she was looking forward to actually having Tom Keen in her life without that other part of him- the Tom Bond who tore her open.  

His little spiel in Natalie Luca-

Liz: I know this family is the most important thing to you. But it’s not gonna work if you can’t be who you are. I guess... I’m just scared. Tom: Of what? Liz: I’m not gonna love that person. Tom: Do you love me? Liz: Yes. Tom: Then you love that person. Because that’s who I am.

So after having sold her the fantasy that she’d be in a relationship with Tom Keen without the Tom Bond- as he claimed he’d give up “that life” many times, he's basically telling her that if she loves him, then she loves Tom Bond because that's who he is. Tom has gotta be kidding with this bullshit. It could pertain to any bit of who a person is, whether they be a spy or a serial killer, or a racist for that matter. If one claims it's a part of who they are and you're supposed to love that side of them because you love them... that's ignorant thinking. This was a closet-spy she didn’t fall in love with, who sold her the idea that he’d change but never did, and is now telling her that she loves the spy he is if she loves him.

Nonsense. 

Liz fell in love with a 4th grade teacher, which Tom is not.

“They made me believe you were a monster.”

“Tom teaches 4th grade. He’s overworked and underpaid and still wakes up every morning with a smile on his face. You know why? Because he knows nothing of the terrible world you and I live in. End of story.”

"The Neo-Nazi? ‘Cause that doesn’t really do it for me."

"I prefer the bookish teacher."

"When was this? When you were a skinhead? One of Berlin’s thugs? ‘Cause I’m guessing it wasn’t an elementary-school teacher."

I'm cracking up laughing at how people have interpreted the deleted scenes, so I'm gonna get to them now as I move along. I'll be adding that deleted scene I put to gif from season three while I'm at it.  And it's not just the deleted scenes, but the "warnings" Red gave Liz, both in season three and season four.  Even to some of the dialogue out of Liz's own mouth. Because every bit of it weaves through everything I've mentioned above. Specific to Red's warnings in Drexel, before the wedding in Mr. Solomon, as well as what he said in Natalie Luca. As I've said many times, Red is not and will not be wrong about Tom. When they hand you this much crap in deleted scenes as they do on-screen scenes, you gotta know what's coming.

From Drexel-

Liz: Don’t you get it? The only reason Tom did what he did is because he had to do something desperate to get away from this. Red: You made yourself clear this morning, Elizabeth. You can blame me if you like. Liz: Damn right, I blame you. If he dies... Red: If he dies, it’s because he put himself in exactly the wrong place at exactly the wrong time. He did this, not me. And that robbery the police want to ask him about- diamonds. He was part of a team that stole tens of millions of dollars’ worth of diamonds. A team I hear included his ex-girlfriend Gina Zanetakos. He’s reckless, dangerous. He’s not worthy of being your husband, and he sure as hell is not worthy of raising that child.

Here, Liz tried to blame Red for Tom's situation. If he dies, it's Red's fault for Tom attempting to get away from him. Similar to her blaming Red in Natalie Luca. Because apparently, everything is Red's fault. So, to that deleted scene in season three-

"But, you're an adult, so make your own choices."

From Mr. Solomon-

Red: No, Lizzy. I’m here to ask you, to implore you, please, don’t do this. I’m telling you, no matter what you believe, Tom is not the man you think he is. Liz: You’re wrong. You don’t know him. Red: He’s a criminal. Liz: No. He’s changed. Red: Men like Tom don’t change. You’re attempting to build a life with a man who is fundamentally dishonest.

And I'm cracking up laughing at this one. So apparently, Tom is no longer a criminal- even though he just committed a major diamond heist a couple episodes prior, and had the cops at his hospital bed, hoping to put him behind bars after his release.

The Forecaster-

"This is exactly where they belong."

Coming from the same woman who said, "They’re not just passports. You put them in a box under the floor in our home. They represent everything I’m trying to forget."

"David… Lucas, and… Kaya. I used to be scared of those guys. Not anymore."

Coming from the same woman who had a nightmare about her own husband choking her to death in The Courier.

From Natalie Luca-

Liz: You know, Tom and I were just starting to find some semblance of normalcy. And you had to just sweep in, drag him back down your rabbit hole. There must be dozens of contract operatives just like him. Why him? Red: Tom is very good at what he does. It defines him. He can no sooner choose to stop than a great white shark can choose to stop swimming and eating. He will do what he does.

Again, Liz blaming Red. But as I've said, he's right about Tom. The man is a spy, and I don't need to put the many scenes in here that feed it, since he admits it to Liz himself- how much he needs to be a spy. What's more interesting, is Liz's dialogue here, so I'll be coming back to this bit.

Liz: How’d it go? Tom: Honestly, it was great. I was thinking about what you said, about why I needed that. Truth is, I still don’t know. But what I do know, is that this family’s the most important thing in my life. I don’t wanna lose it. Liz: We just arrested a woman who would’ve done anything to stay with the person she loved, but she lost him anyway. Tom: I’m not going anywhere. Liz: That’s not what I meant. From the beginning, we’ve been fighting secrets and agendas and psychotic homicidal killers coming between us. And for the first time, we’re together, and we’ve got no one to fight. But it still feels- Tom: Like we’re coming apart? Liz: I know this family is the most important thing to you. But it’s not gonna work if you can’t be who you are.

Yeah, it's coming apart because Liz never fell in love with Tom Bond. 

Deleted scene from season three-

Tom: I can do this! Red: Do what? Complete this mission and come back alive? Maybe you can, maybe you can't. Or do you mean- Complete this mission alive, come back and raise your daughter as if you're a real parent? Her only parent. Because that, I know you can't do.

My interpretation of this scene is simple. Red is flat out insulting Tom, telling him he's not a real parent, that he's no Sam Milhoan. He can't complete this mission alive, come back and raise his daughter as if he's a real parent because... well... the spy life defines him. Once he finishes one job, he goes out looking for another. It's what he does.

“I've always found it enormously empowering, the knowledge that whatever path I chose, it didn't really matter where it led, and it didn't really matter if I ever came back. You don't have that power. You have a child. But, you're an adult, so make your own choices. Just know, that if you're gone, I'll be watching your daughter.”

My interpretation for this one. Red speaks of it not mattering in his case because his daughter was being raised by Sam Milhoan. He didn't have to worry about Liz because he trusted the man raising her. But for Tom, it's different. Red isn't ignorant to his feelings of him, so he tells him that if he's gone, he'll be watching Agnes.

Deleted scene from season four-

Tom: So, you work with him, but I can't? Liz: It isn't the same, and you know it. Tom: No, I don't know that. Liz: The work I do with Reddington is... legal. It's part of my job at the FBI. What he's asking you to do is against the law. Tom: Liz, he's asking me to find a criminal, alright? He asks you to find criminals all the time. Liz: If you go through with this, you'll go to jail. Is that a risk you're willing to take? Tom: Liz, I love our daughter. And I love you. But this is what I do. And I'm good at it, and I love that too. Besides, you're the only adult I've spoken to in the past two weeks.... besides the Diaper Genie, and he's kind of stiff. Liz: It isn't funny. Tom: I can sing "Wheels on the Bus" backwards. Okay? The driver goes "Move on back." The people go up and down. The babies go "Wah, wah, wah." And it's just... it's not good for anybody's mental health. Liz, I need to do this. And I'm asking you to respect that.

Here, Tom speaks as if he needs the spy life in order to have a real life, in order to spend time with adults other than the Diaper Genie. As if normal grown adults don't hang out with other normal grown adults. Apparently, one has to be out committing criminal acts or playing spy in order to have conversations with other grown adults. And I'm laughing at this idea people have that the only issue Liz has with Tom being a spy, is in the legalities of it. If it were that simple, then she could simply talk to Cooper about using him as a CI like Red is, but she doesn't because that's only part of it. But I'll get back to the legalities of this once I hit the next scene. And Tom, lmao... he's telling a clinical psychologist what's bad for one's mental health, as if she doesn't know about this herself. But what a fun time Tom is having trying to manipulate Liz into agreeing and accepting his spy life.

Deleted scene from season four-

Tom: The truth is... it felt good. I felt... useful again. Liz: You don't think you're useful? To our family? To our daughter? Tom: I thought we were gonna get away. From Reddington, from all of this, and we.... we didn't. And that's fine, but... now we're living in this world where there's room for Mr. Mom, but not for me. Liz: That's not fair. Tom: Maybe not, but it's how I feel.

This scene bothers me. Truth is, if being a spy is part of who he is, then it wouldn't matter if Red is in their lives or not. Had they made it in Cuba without issue, he'd be a spy in Cuba right now. Sure, Tom is pissed that they never got away from Red, but he's fine with it now because it gives him an excuse. So yeah.. he's pushing this... "you work with him, so I should be able to work with him" crap. Tom can't stand being near the life without being in it. It's like a drug addict trying to go clean while being surrounded by drug addicts who aren't. Oh, look... he’s walking away from her as he did back in season one, when she changed her mind about the adoption. Tom’s response when he doesn’t get the response he wants. 

And even more to this scene, since it adds to the legalities of the previous one.

"Against the law" means it's a criminal act. "Going to jail" happens when one commits a criminal act. This is what Tom wants to do for Red, what he's begging Liz to respect. Here, Tom is committing a criminal act. Again, pointing to the truth Red gave Liz before the wedding, since viewers are a lot like Liz- they have a hard time accepting truth. 

Red: He’s a criminal. Liz: No. He’s changed. Red: Men like Tom don’t change. You’re attempting to build a life with a man who is fundamentally dishonest.

Red proving himself right about Tom over and over and over in deleted scene and on-screen.  

Back to Liz’s Djinn fantasy-

In season three, we had Tom pulling a diamond heist that almost got him killed, and would've put him in prison had it not been for Red.

Again, Red’s dialogue from the deleted scene-

“I've always found it enormously empowering, the knowledge that whatever path I chose, it didn't really matter where it led, and it didn't really matter if I ever came back. You don't have that power. You have a child. But, you're an adult, so make your own choices. Just know, that if you're gone, I'll be watching your daughter.”

Again, Liz's dialogue from the deleted scene-

"What he's asking you to do is against the law." "If you go through with this, you'll go to jail. Is that a risk you're willing to take?"

Tom felt the risk worth taking, as he went on his mission for Red in Natalie Luca. Tom got arrested for assaulting a drug dealer in the season four deleted scene.

Again, Liz’s own dialogue in Natalie Luca-

Liz: You know, Tom and I were just starting to find some semblance of normalcy. And you had to just sweep in, drag him back down your rabbit hole.

....where she’s basically saying it herself... that the spy life isn’t normal. 

Liz is at that point where she's realizing the truth of her relationship with Tom, of this "normal life" she believed she was going to have with him. In order to give Agnes two parents that love one another, she has to accept Tom being a spy. But to accept Tom being a spy, she has to accept the fact that she won't have her Djinn fantasy. As I've said before, she's sacrificing her Djinn fantasy because she can't have both. She can't have Tom Bond and that normal life. Not that having Tom Bond is going to give her that normal life anyway. She wants Agnes to grow up with two parents that love one another, and if she were to accept Tom's spy life, she'd be accepting the fact that Agnes' father could end up dead or in prison. So she wouldn’t just be sacrificing her own Djinn fantasy, she’d also be sacrificing the normal life she wanted for Agnes to grow up in... far different than her own. 

That’s truth. 

[kiss-my-freckle]

To pay the rent. 

As I was saying before, Red had a serious problem with Tom marrying Liz. From the very beginning, he spoke of having issues with it. But it wasn’t just the marriage, it was Tom’s alignment with Berlin. So I was taking a look back at the dialogues, and it’s there. Tom aligned himself with Berlin for the sole purpose of marrying Liz. 

Timeline. 

There isn’t really a timeline for Red having hired Tom. For Red to hire a spy to act as a friend of a friend, to watch over Liz at an arm’s length, one would think that job would’ve started immediately upon hire. At the very least, started within a reasonable amount of time. We’re given what timeline Liz handed us in Berlin’s first episode. Tom and Liz met on July 9th, 2010. One would assume Red hired Tom in 2010, since I can’t imagine Red hiring Tom all the way back in December, and Tom not meeting Liz until seven months later. March 12th of 2011, Tom supposedly had his bachelor party, or what Liz was to believe was his bachelor party. Having a bachelor party eight months before the wedding is a hard sell for me. They got married on the 3rd of November, 2011. That following year, they spoke of adopting a child for like six months. 

I’m sorry, but this all appears to be quite the rush of things. If Tom had his bachelor party in March of 2011, then he quite literally proposed to her eight months after having met her. Liz spoke of it, so he at least claimed and she at least believed he had a bachelor party. So yeah, eight months in and he proposed. Not long after, they started talking about adopting a child. 

Tom’s alignment with Berlin. Red’s side of things. 

Red basically spoke of Tom aligning with Berlin for the sole purpose of marrying Liz. The question then becomes, what for? I’m gonna go digging for dialogue, so this will likely end up a long post. Red didn’t threaten Tom. Major simply gave him his own little warning. In the eight months before their marriage, the only thing Red did, was fire Tom. This was stated by Red in Leonard Caul’s episode. In order, this was the dialogue Red gave to us. 

He fired Tom, but left him alone because she was already in love with him. 

Red: When I learned that your relationship had become intimate, I fired him. I should’ve removed him, but you were already in love with him.

Tom aligned with Berlin to protect himself from Red while he married Liz. 

Red: And Tom, he shifted his allegiance to Berlin. In part, to protect himself from me. But also because it allowed for an inextricable intimacy and commitment to you. And so you were married.

Red used a conjunction to combine Liz and Tom being married. 

Red: And so you were married. “And” I couldn’t stay away any longer. A confluence of peril had entered your life, and I wanted to be within reach, to have influence.

Here, he quite literally stated that he reentered Liz’s life because of the marriage. Something he spoke of again in Requiem before turning himself in. 

Red: As I feared would happen, elements from Katarina’s past are circling Elizabeth like a pack of wolves in the night. I put Tom Keen in her life to keep an eye on her, and he married her. Kate: This isn’t about Tom Keen. It’s about your need for control. Red: Indeed. I need to control the danger to Elizabeth. I’ve built a vast criminal network predicated on that very principal. It’s time to live up to my mission statement.

Red quite literally felt that Tom’s marriage was an immediate threat to Liz, though I’m not sure why. He then spoke of wanting to kill Tom, but letting it go. 

Red: I’d come out of the mountains, blinded by rage, flown 2300 miles, absolutely certain that you must die. And then - I saw Elizabeth. I’m a violent man, a terrible, powerful, violent man. But the way she looked at you, the way she loves you - I’m powerless against that.

Then Red quite clearly stated that Tom’s alignment with Berlin was done out of Liz’s best interest. An interesting piece of dialogue if you ask me. 

Red: I’ll say this for you - you’ve always believed that you were acting in her best interest. Selling me out to Berlin, faking her death - you always thought you were helping her.

Shown quite clearly that he felt Tom an immediate threat to Liz, enough that Tom’s life no longer mattered, Red sent Zamani in to cut him open on his first day inside that Post Office. They weren’t even sure he was gonna make it. 

Tom’s alignment with Berlin. Tom’s side of things.

Tom basically told us that he married Liz as part of a job. This was shown through multiple dialogues from Gina, Jolene, and Tom himself. 

Because Berlin sent Jolene, he himself beileved Liz to be Tom’s target. 

Jolene: Wrong answer! Elizabeth keen is not your wife. She’s your target. Tom: She’s my what? What is this? Did they send you? Really? To what? Test me? I told you that I was in love with her because that is exactly what I am supposed to be. That - is my job.

Gina should know the truth in being Tom’s lover. 

Gina: That’s why you want in on this? For her? Your phony wife? The mark you dumped me for?

Tom: I’ve done everything they asked. I married the woman, for God’s sake. I’ve made her think my entire world revolves around her.

Tom knew he had Liz when he saw she drew a heart in his shoe. 

Tom: It was the sweetest thing. And ever since that moment, I just felt sorry for you. Because I knew - I knew that I had you. Part of me didn’t want it to work. But it did.

People don’t want relationships to work when they don’t want to be in them, so according to Tom, he didn’t want to be in a relationship with Liz. He literally felt sorry for her. 

My view of Tom’s alignment with Berlin. 

I believe Tom aligned himself with Berlin BECAUSE they asked him to marry Liz. In 5x8, we’re given Major’s warning that Red will kill him if he doesn’t get out. 

Major: Get out. He will kill you if you don’t.

This was the only threat Tom received with regard to his relationship with Liz. Because according to Red, he let things be. 

Red: When I learned that your relationship had become intimate, I fired him. I should’ve removed him, but you were already in love with him.

So if Red wasn’t threatening Tom, and Tom didn’t want the relationship to work, then his entire purpose for aligning with Berlin had nothing to do with Red, and everything to do with his marriage to Liz. They hired him to marry Liz, and because Tom knew it would anger Red all the more, he turned to Berlin for that protection from Red. The fact that he didn’t want it to work tells me that he entered Liz’s life as part of a job. Much like Katarina’s seduction and betrayal of Red, then later falling in love with him. And as Tom clearly stated, didn’t realize he was in love with Liz until it was over. So he continued to see her as part of his job. 

Tom: So, here’s the deal. Agent Keen and I were uh, married. As like, a job, you know. But you ever take one of those jobs just to pay the rent, and you find out that you’re - you’re good at it?  Karakurt: You cannot excel at anything you do not love. Tom: Well, yeah, I mean - where were you when I was married? I didn’t figure that out till it was over. 

So, where does Red’s statement come in with regards to Tom’s alignment with Berlin? Because Tom quite clearly entered Liz’s life - then married her as a job. 

Red: I’ll say this for you - you’ve always believed that you were acting in her best interest. Selling me out to Berlin, faking her death - you always thought you were helping her.

Red’s threats and warnings. 

Then we had Red threatening Tom while warning Liz. Those dialogues coming right up. This first one was a warning to Tom. 

Red: You will not marry her. You married her over my objection once. It will not happen again.

The rest are warnings to Liz. 

Red: He’s reckless, dangerous. He’s not worthy of being your husband, and he sure as hell is not worthy of raising that child.

Red: People say youth is wasted on the young. I disagree. I believe wisdom is wasted on the old. All you can do, is part with it, but very few will take it. Least of all, the people closest to you. They want no part of it. No matter how often I warn you about Tom, you seem intent on discovering those perils for yourself.

Red: I know I say things that unsettle you about the dangers that lie ahead. I know I anger you with things I say about Tom. But if I’ve ever given you the impression that you won’t survive this, that you and your child aren’t going to have the simple life that I know you long for, I’m sorry. Because you are going to have that, Lizzy.

Red: I’m here to ask you, to implore you - please, don’t do this. I’m telling you, no matter what you believe, Tom is not the man you think he is. Liz: You’re wrong. You don’t know him. Red: He’s a criminal. Liz: No. He’s changed. Red: Men like Tom don’t change. You’re attempting to build a life with a man who is fundamentally dishonest. Liz: No. I am attempting to build a life with the father of my child. A normal life with two parents who love one another. With everything you know about me, can’t you see that? Can’t you see how important that is to me? To my child? Red: You were wrong about him once. What makes you so sure you’re not wrong this time? Do you really want your child to pay the price for that mistake for the rest of his or her life?

Red also spits out statements like these. 

Red: Everything is not fine. She never should have been at that Godforsaken church.

Liz: He’s gone. My husband is gone. Red: Your husband never existed. Lizzy, I understand why you went after Tom today. The instinct to jump in is - But it isn’t gonna serve you well here. And from the emotional point of view, this must feel like an extraordinary violation and betrayal. But for Tom, it was business.

Red: The truth is, despite your feelings, your husband doesn’t matter. Zamani did you a favor, Lizzy.

Tom’s need to be married to Liz. 

As I started out this post, Tom proposed to Liz eight months into their relationship. But that’s not the only thing that bothers me. It’s the idea of Tom needing to be married to Liz. He stated this in season five. Tom like literally just got back home after being gone for months, hadn’t even really settled back in yet, and he’s saying they need to get married. Like where does this come from?

Tom: You know what we need? Liz: To have sex? Tom: We need to get married. We never got married. Liz: Yeah. Great. First, let’s have sex. Tom: Okay.

Tom and Red, both reminding us of their first failed wedding. Liz, who barely knows Scottie. The only thing she knows of Scottie comes from whatever Tom told her. And Scottie sure as hell doesn’t know Red - or his connection to Liz. 

Red: You’ve entrusted Agnes to Scottie Hargrave? Liz: Yes. To Tom’s mother. Red: Who ordered a hit on your wedding. So back to that S3 wedding and Tom’s proposal. Tom and Liz weren’t even dating. Tom was there to assist her during her exoneration, but they weren’t a couple. But there he was, proposing in Devry’s episode. Again, quite the rush into things. 

Tom: Okay, uh - This is a washer. But I promise you, I’m gonna replace it with something so much better. Elizabeth Keen, will you marry me? I know I wasn’t the best husband. But I - I can be. I can be. I don’t wanna be anyone else. Liz: I don’t know what to say. Tom: “Yes.” You can say “Yes.” Liz: Tom - If I’ve learned one thing from being on the run these past few months, it’s that I can’t tell you what I’m gonna want 10 years from now. Even a year from now. I just know what I want right now.

It continously bothers me that Tom believed Red to be her father throughout season five, yet he was working his ass off, literally willing to play guinea pig just to get Red out of Liz’s life. Why? Why would a man who claims to love a woman, knowing full well that she wants her father in her life - and was quite happy to have this father in her life, would he want to take that father from her? He states this in Thrall’s episode. 

Red: And the only saving grace is that you will be even further away, buried in the hold of a ship somewhere in the Indian Ocean. And Liz will finally be rid of you.

Tom literally believed it was the only saving grace for Liz to lose the father that she was happy to finally have in her life after 30 years. So, back to my question. 

Tom married LIz as part of a job. This was shown through enough dialogues for me to believe it with certainty. Red himself said that for Tom, it was business. Tom himself said he didn’t want it to work. Berlin, Jolene, and Gina all believed Liz was Tom’s target because that’s what he was hired for. This is aside from the fact that Red was doing absolutely nothing to get Tom away from Liz. Eight months into their relationship, he’s proposing to Liz. Immediately after her exoneration, he’s proposing to Liz. He doesn’t wanna be anyone else and they need to get married. Exactly how does Red see this as acting in Liz’s best interest? Tom sold him out to Berlin so he could marry her. So how is marrying Liz as part of a job acting in her best interest?

Let’s go to the rest of the statement. 

Red: I’ll say this for you - you’ve always believed that you were acting in her best interest. Selling me out to Berlin, faking her death - you always thought you were helping her.

Faking her death. Tom being the one who told her that “Your father’s alive” when his bones were buried in a suitcase. Everyone seeming to forget that fact because they’re too worried about who our Red really is. And it was Constanin Rostov that came for Liz when she faked her death, claiming to be her father. 

For a time, I felt Red was working with Howard to get Tom over to Halcyon for a reason. For many reasons I suspected it, and still do, but this post is already long enough. So I’m gonna throw this out there as a possible theory. Why Tom would want to marry Liz. 

Point blank: Financial gain. 

I believe Tom worked for Constantin, hired specifically to locate Masha and return her to his care since he was needing a stem cell donation to survive. Constantin, already known as a wealthy Russian, as stated in the newspaper from Katarina’s disappearance. Alexander Kirk, as he quite literally asked Liz, “What would you do if you had more money than you could ever spend?” The man is loaded. He owns NexaCo Gas, the very gas they used to fill their tank in episode 5x8 when Tom took off with the bones. They show the sign twice, taking up the screen. Then they found out Constantin wasn’t Liz’s father. What happened next? Tom spoke to Liz about Red stopping her from learning the identity of her father by letting Kirk go. Red let Kirk go in 4x8, Tom stated this at the start of 4x9. Liz basically said she didn’t care. Later in the season, Tom headed over to Halcyon, a well-off company with government contracts run by his mother. That wealth began appearing in season three, “With a seven-figure donation that built this wing.” Red told Tom not to trust Scottie. Howard told Tom not to trust Scottie. Tom not trusting Scottie ended up putting his mother in prison. Then he turned around and got his mother out by testifying against Howard because Howard turned out to be the bad guy. But the one thing Scottie did that Tom couldn’t fix, was removed his share of the company by having him declared dead. "But the lawyers are working to have our son declared legally dead so the company can be put in my trust." And she did, she signed him out in Redemptions first episode. So Tom had nothing to gain or lose at that point where his parents were concerned. He put the bad guy in prison and got his “good” mother out. Then he picked up the suitcase, came home, and was told by Liz that Red is her father. Tom all-believing it, enough that he told Nik that the mystery of her father’s identity has been solved. What did Tom do at the start of 5x3, but tell Liz they needed to get married, they never got married. Then what did he do, but work against the very father Liz wanted in her life. “And the only saving grace is that you will be even further away, buried in the hold of a ship somewhere in the Indian Ocean. And Liz will finally be rid of you.” This was despite knowing Red is her father and knowing Liz wanted her father in her life. 

I don’t care if she’s Queen Elizabeth and screwing her made you king. Get out. He will kill you if you don’t.