#(though that cost us some time with the move while i isolated until i got PCR results)

[destinationtoast]

Well, it's been a hell of a couple of weeks, and one of many things that happened is that I ended up coming home from Urgent Care looking rather like fruit being packed up for long distance shipping.

I got pretty scraped up when I fell while hiking nearly a month ago. Then I got significantly better... and then I got a whole lot worse.

If you would like to avoid some truly disgusting and painful wounds, you should know that you are likely to develop an allergy to Neosporin if you use it for multiple weeks (and probably the same goes for other brands of over-the-counter antibiotic ointments, I'm guessing).

[flightlessangelwings]

Those Three Words

Comandante Veracruz x fem!reader "Cariño" Word count- 2.2k Warnings- smut (18+ ONLY!), roughish sex, feelings, arguments, squirting, creampie, wall sex, pussy slapping, multiple orgasms, no use of y/n Notes- This is it y'all! After about 60k words, we finally get a feelings confession! Out loud! On purpose! And just in time for Valentines Day lol! Big thank you to @ithinkhesgaybutwesavedmufasa​ for the initial idea for how this goes! This follows the events of the unofficial series but can be read on its own. Enjoy! To stay up to date on when I post, feel free to also follow my update blog and turn on post notifs @flightlessangelwings-updates​

~

Fresh air and sunshine hit your face as you walked down the street. It had been some time since you got outside, and you were determined to enjoy every moment of it. And while you understood and appreciated when Veracruz kept you in his apartment for weeks for your own protection, the isolation started to get to you.

It was the first time your life had actually been threatened, and Veracruz did not handle it well. He went through every length he could to keep you protected, and yet he still faced the nightmare of seeing you at the end of a gun. It was something he hated, and something he never wanted to relive. So, he made you promise to stay inside for a while until he was sure there were no more threats against you.

And you trusted the comandante to keep you safe. You trusted his judgment, and you knew he would protect you at all costs. At first too, you were too afraid to leave the sanctity of his apartment… his bedroom. But, as the weeks passed and no other threats came up, your sense of urgency faded. 

His didn’t though.

So, one day when he was out, you decided enough was enough and you set outside for the first time in weeks. You didn’t go far, just to the store and for a walk around the neighborhood, but it was enough to satisfy you. And you tried to time it so that you would be back before Veracruz got home.

You hummed to yourself as you unlocked the door to his apartment and let yourself in. It was quiet, and you figured you got away with it as you set your things down. But, the sound of a throat clearing made your heart sink in your chest.

Slowly, you turned around and saw Veracruz in the middle of the apartment, his gun in his hand and a flustered look on his face. The flash of fear quickly melted away when you met his gaze and his expression morphed into more of a scowl as the anger set in.

“And where were you today, cariño?” Veracruz snapped as he slammed his gun down.

Your heart pounded in your chest as he looked at you with rage in his eyes. But, you fought to keep your cool; you knew he would never hurt you, “I just went down the street to get some things, V.”

Veracruz scoffed, “Did I not tell you to stay here?” his tone was louder and harsher than he meant to be as he lashed out at you, “I gave you orders to stay here!” he shouted as he stepped closer towards you. 

“Orders?!” you scoffed, “V I’m not one of your soldiers!”

“No you are not,” he roared, “My soldiers know how to listen to me!”

“I do listen to you V,” angry tears filled your eyes, “But you can’t keep me locked up here forever. You know that!”

“Well you could have fooled me! Why must you be so fucking brainless sometimes?!” 

“Why are you being such an asshole about this, V?!” you snapped, “I just went down the street. I’m fine. Nothing happened!”

“You are infuriatingly stubborn, cariño,” he shouted back.

“I thought you liked that I’m not a pushover,” you didn’t back down, “I don’t get why you’re so angry! I’m fine!” you paused and stared at him before you added with a softer voice, “Is it because you love me?”

Veracruz roared back without hesitation, “Yes!”

You froze.

He froze.

For several long moments, neither of you moved, too lost in the other’s eyes and emotions to say anything. You didn’t expect him to say yes, and especially not so quickly. And Veracruz’s own feelings caught even himself off guard. Heavy breaths were the only sound in the room for what felt like an eternity, and the tension was so palpable that you could cut it with a knife.

You were the first to move. You took a deep breathing, gathering your strength and your courage before you spoke, “Then say it.”

Veracruz scoffed as he rolled his eyes and placed his hands on his hips, “You know I do, cariño. Have my actions not proven that? Or do I need to count out the number of men I have killed for you?”

“I want to hear it,” you kept yourself steady, “Out loud. To my face,” tears filled the corners of your eyes out of anger and emotions, “No skirting around it. Not when I’m asleep. Not when you’re between my legs distracting me. Not when…”

“I LOVE YOU!” 

A gasp escaped your throat. Even if that was what you wanted, hearing those three words out loud made you feel even more emotional than you expected. And you certainly thought he needed more convincing to say them.

Veracruz huffed as he threw his hands in the air and paced in circles. All the while, he dissolved into a flurry of Spanish rambling about how much you drove him crazy and how insufferable you were and he didn’t know why he loved you.

But his tirade was cut short when you crossed the room, grabbed his collar and slammed your lips against his. Veracruz’s eyes went wide for a moment as you pressed your body against his, your mouth covering his own. But, he quickly regained his composure and grabbed onto your hips and kissed you back with equal passion.

Veracruz turned you around and while your lips parted for him, he backed you up against the nearest wall. He swallowed the moan you let out and used your momentarily distraction to deepen the kiss more. He groaned as he bucked his hips against yours as he pinned you to the wall.

“You are fucking insufferable, cariño,” he murmured lowly in your ear.

“Takes one to know one, V.” 

Veracruz scoffed, but you felt the flash of his smirk against your skin as he nosed your neck. His hands ran down your body and landed on your hips in order to yank you flush against him. You whimpered as you arched your back, desperate to feel as much of Veracruz’s strong body against you. Heat quickly rose between the two of you as he tugged at your clothes, making quick work of stripping you.

Instead of simply surrendering this time, you pulled at his clothes with just as much need. Most times, you were content for him to stay clothed while he laid you bare, but this time was different. This time, feelings were truly and completely involved. You wanted- needed- to feel his bare skin against yours. Nothing laid between the two of you emotionally anymore, and you didn’t want anything physical to barrier you from your comandante.

He growled in your ear as clothes flew off your bodies in a flurry. Both of you panted heavily as desperation rose between you, as if you didn’t fuck right then and there, the world would implode. To both of you, though, it truly felt like that. Veracruz couldn’t face the world without you there, as much as it pained him to admit it. And you… you never wanted to be without him.

In a flash, Veracruz spun you around the moment you were naked and you huffed as your face was suddenly smashed against the wall. You whined with need as you drove your ass against his body in a silent plea for him.

“Impatient today, cariño,” Veracruz murmured in a low groan as he pumped his cock a few times.

“Says the man who is about to fuck me against the living room wall,” you quipped back with a smirk.

Veracruz cursed under his breath, but the desire was too great to argue. He rocked his hips against yours, the tip of his cock nudging against your folds. Groans from both of you echoed in the room as he felt how wet you were, and you felt how hard he was. You felt Veracruz’s cock twitch against your body, and as much as you wanted this right now, part of you wished you could see his face.

But Veracruz couldn’t see yours either as you rested your forehead against the wall and clung to it to hold yourself upright. He knew you well enough though to know that your mouth hung open as your eyes fluttered shut. He felt the heat from your body, especially from your core where his cock hovered.

With a low growl, Veracruz couldn’t hold back anymore, he grabbed your hip with one hand as he pushed himself into you. Both of you let out gasps as he filled you. Slowly at first, Veracruz savored the warmth of you at surrounded him as he heard your nails scratch at the wall. But when you let out a loud moan, he slammed himself fully the rest of the way inside you, filling you to the brim.

You cried out in pleasure as you threw your head back and welcomed the comandante inside your body. He immediately started pounding into you, holding your hips as he set his harsh and past pace. 

Skin slapped against skin as Veracruz rocked into you over and over again. Moans and screams and grunts filled the room as he thrust his cock with precision. Veracruz gritted his teeth as he watched his length disappear inside you again and again. It was hard and fast and rough and needy, just like times before when he fucked you. Yet, despite the familiarity, this time felt different.

This time was different because he was more raw than he had ever been before. This time was different because for the first time in his life, Veracruz confessed his feelings out loud. This time was different because this meant this was more than just sex, and you both knew it for certain. You had told him you loved him before, but he never spoke those words out loud… until now.

“Mine,” Veracruz growled as he yanked your hips up and pulled your body up so that your back was flush against his chest.

You let out a heavy exhale as you felt your body pulled like you were a ragdoll, but because it was Veracruz… your V… you didn’t care. Your hands stayed on the wall in front of you to brace yourself as your eyes opened and you looked up at the ceiling. But, your eyes quickly closed again when Veracruz bit down on the sensitive skin at the base of your neck. 

You screamed as you clenched your inner muscles around his cock, causing him to groan against your skin. Both you and Veracruz felt like you were drowning as you swam in your passions. His hands gripped you tightly, as if he told you without the words that he was never letting you go. 

And you never wanted him to let you go. You were his. And he was yours. You loved Veracruz. And he…

“Let me feel you cum, cariño,” Veracruz growled in your ear as he sped up his pace, “Show me what is mine. Show me what belongs to me.”

“V…” you moaned as you felt your skin tingle, “I’m yours… All yours… Please…”

“All mine…”

When Veracruz snaked a hand around your body and rubbed at your clit, the dam broke. Your climax hit without warning as you came with a loud scream. You slumped forward as your entire body trembled and you felt yourself gush. Your head leaned against the wall once more as you felt Veracruz’ cock hit your sweet spot over and over again, the entire time he growled and groaned as he felt you come apart around his cock.

“It’s it cariño…” he cooed as he slapped your pussy and clenched his jaw. It took every once of willpower within him to hold off his own orgasm, but he knew it would be worth it.

You screamed as he slapped your overly sensitive clit over and over again until you came for a second time. Your nails ripped into the wall, screeching the wallpaper there, but neither of you cared. All that mattered was Veracruz, and you moaned his name over and over again as you rode out your second climax right after your first.

“Fuck…” he groaned as he couldn’t hold back any longer. With a low growl of your name, Veracruz thrust himself as deep as he could into you as he spilled himself deep inside your body. Wave after wave of pleasure crashed through both your bodies as you rode out your highs on each other’s bodies. 

Fully spent, Veracruz wrapped his arm around you and slumped forward, joining you against the wall. His cock slipped out of you as he lunged forward, causing you both to gasp, but he never let you go. Neither of you spoke or moved for several moments, and the sounds of heavy breaths were the only sound in the room.

“Hey V…” you broke the silence first.

“Hmm?”

“I love you,” you whispered without moving, your face still buried into the wall.

He huffed and you felt the smile in even just the short exclamation, “And I…” he paused, “Love you too cariño,” he paused again before he added more sternly, “Do not get used to hearing that every day.”

You let out a short laugh; he truly was much more agreeable after you two had sex, “Of course not,” you smirked, “A man has his reputation to keep after all.”

Veracruz scoffed.

“I know you do though,” you added in a soft tone, “And you know I do too.”

“That I do cariño,” he agreed as he stroked your body, “That I do.” 

[dollsonmain]

Ok, Son's at school. I didn't realize they're getting out early on Thursday instead of on Friday, so I have a lot less alone time before another long holiday break than I thought.

Ugh. I do honestly like spending time with my Son, but not the noise videos he likes. They hurt. He's good about understanding when I can't take it anymore, though, and will either go in another room or is comfortable with me going down to the basement for a while.

I think maybe we'll listen to some of those records that I found unbearable together over the holiday. I think Son might like those, and while I don't like them, it doesn't mean he's not allowed to.

Still need to get a record cleaning kit.

-

That Guy is pushing both Son and me to get jobs somewhere in town without cars. I'm like, how we get to work????

He usually yells at me that I'm making excuses, then yesterday in the car yelled that he'd drive us, and had already said that.

He never said that.

He said he'd get Son a car once Son got his license, and then Son could take himself to work, and every time I mention how would I get to work he's said I'm making excuses and also said that I'd get the job first and then we'd figure out transportation which is illogical.

Not once did he say he intended to personally drive us to work, at least not until yesterday.

I don't think he means that anyway.

How's he going to do that? He leaves for work at 5 am, and if I don't start until like 9am to 6pm because I'd have to work full time to qualify for insurance which is what this is all about, I mean, I'm not sitting around my workplace for an extra 4-5 hours before my shift especially if I happen to find an office job and the office is closed until work time. That's just not possible in the winter.

Then he has to be home in time to drive Son to work after school but if he's not getting to work himself until 9 or 10 am because he has to drive me, then he's not getting home until 7 or 8 because it's a long commute (1 hr 15 minutes one way) to HIS work, and Son's work would probably be something like 5 to 10pm because he is a teenager in school.

Then he'd be having to go pick me up around 6 pm, and Son at maybe 10pm. They'd get home around 11.

The only other option is that I manage to stumble upon some legitimate work-from-home (I'd rather work outside and interact with people; I've been trapped in this house and isolated for 16 years) or work overnights, but he's vetoed the idea of me working nights because he doesn't want to sleep alone.

Depending on where Son and I would be working we might be able to manage our schedules such that Son goes to work right after school (5pm or so start time, gives him time to come home, shower, get dressed, and leave again) and then I start work when Son's shift is ending so that That Guy makes one trip to town to drop Son off at work, another to pick up Son and drop me off and that would be roughly 9:30 pm to 10:30 pm if we happen to work in the same place or at least nearby each other. He'd get home and get to bed around 11. Then That Guy has to come and get me at 7am which is right after Son gets on the bus (meaning That Guy would have to get up with Son in the morning to make sure he got on the bus because I wouldn't be there), bring me home, and then he might be leaving for work around 8:30 am assuming he did his morning get-ready before leaving to get me. Gets to work at 9:30, works the full shift so off work at 6:30 pm, then gets home at 7:30, though more like 8:30 or even 9 due to rush hour traffic out of the DC Metro area and at that point Son's missed most of his work shift...

It's the same as the insurance thing. He demands it happens then gets in the way of it happening and blames others for it not happening.

What he needs to do to make this work the way he wants it to is get at least one more car that son and I could share or for us to move somewhere the two of us can walk to work.

Either way, it's going to cost him money to not have to spend his money on us and he's short circuiting trying to figure out how to make this all work without him spending any money.

[kokorowoutsu]

-- RP: @pkmn-spira

pkmn-spira:

Morgan allowed them to share their moment. Separation must be something they take very seriously. As for her? Ten years ago, she was separated from her parents, having to fend for herself and survive while Anodyne Amusement Park refused to let her go for over five years, until the anomalous occurrences there finally let her go. Then she realized that her parents have went off-region to who knows where. But alas, she doesn't care about that much anymore. Cryptid Isle had given her a 'gift', and said 'gift' made her strong. Stronger than she can dream of. And that's what mattered. Her strength was recognized, by the League, by Team Celestial. And that recognition was enough for her. "I see. Keeping things under wraps." Morgan nodded. "Our current Champion would share the same sentiment with you two. See, nobody in the region even knows of the Champion's identity. They don't even know if they're a he or a she." She explained. "Events with a previous organization, Team Andromeda, scarred the Champion, who was still a Pokémon Trainer challenging the League at that time who got wound up with the organization's business. Tried to be a hero and all, and they did, but the costs were great. So they decided to prefer anonymity over fame. Fame attracts enemies. Exposes one's weaknesses. The Champion knew and learned that from Team Andromeda." "Of course, we of the Spiran League know of their identity, but we don't divulge on it for good reason." Made sense too. "As for public appearances? The current Champion appears to the public, but on a hooded mask." Ah, she prattled on again.

"As for what Ashe said, Spira was indeed cut off from the other regions due to an isolation policy two years ago. Though recently, that same policy has now been lifted, though it will take a while before other people from other regions would start truly flocking the place en masse." Though the mention of 'timeline' had picked her interest. She heard of certain theories of some people of Spira in the past, that this reality is but one of different possible realities. Of course, some believe it to be the ravings of a madman. But then again, The Primordial One works in so many ways some would consider to be unnatural, so Morgan believes in such possibility. And this just confirms it.

"A moment." A pause, as she snapped her fingers, in which that beckoned Asrai to stop the assault on the now motionless SYM-01, with Morgan now returning her to her Pokeball. "I do agree that its better to move in groups." She nodded. "And having someone who has the knowledge of the knowledge of the land is a major boon, too. So very well, I accept." Of course she had to bring it up too. "There may be times however, that I won't be available. League activities and all, but I would let you guys know in advance." And now, the sound of rustling and wood growing and snapping can be heard. "Seems that we've overstayed our welcome. The damage the fight had caused certainly angered the forest after all."

"That being said, shall we leave? We can head for Adamantine Town after leaving Fae Deepwoods and traversing Blackout Cave. Though alternatively, I can have my Gardevoir teleport all of us to Adamantine Town right off the bat instead. It'll wind her out a bit, having to teleport multiple individuals at once, but she'll manage." "So, what say you, esteemed guests of Spira?"

Ashe, Leon, and Willow were quiet at best as their host now talked about the Champion of the region as well as events that involved Team Celestial. Ashe had a sneaking suspicion that considering how much Morgan spoke of it, there was some kind of connection, but she wouldn't judge nor ask -- not unless Morgan put her family in jeopardy which, honestly, hadn't happened yet in her eyes, although she did share a look with Leon before he responded, holding his daughter as she leaned back against him, turning from Morgan completely. "I can... understand the Champion's plight." He offered a sympathetic smile. "I went through... something similar." He admits. That's all he'd say though.

"Your business and stepping away isn't a problem. At best I can cast glamours to allow us to explore the more open parts of the region if that's alright without impeding on other things." Ashe would reveal her grimoire and abilities in time -- but not yet. As for the Wood being upset, Ashe held her hand up for a moment. "A moment." The fae in her had her reaching into her bag and pulling out a small jar that held some kind of ointment within it. It had been blessed heavily with magic and she also left an offering of Moo-Moo Milk and Honey freshly got from Vespiquen hives. With that, she stepped away from one of the trees, hoping the gifts would appease and help heal the forest as she spoke something in Fae along the lines of; 'Apologies offend us, I know, but we have done you harm, so I ask you humbly to accept my offerings and use them to heal your wounds.'

With that, she pulled back and returned to Morgan without fear of overstaying. "I don't want to stress out your pokemon or their kindness. We can travel by foot and rest if need be by tent." She looked to Leon who nodded. With that said, he clicked a pokeball open and a Luxray -- fairly large in size, an Alpha variant, appeared, shaking out his fur and in doing so Willow was placed on his back who held on tightly to his fur. Ashe took this time to return Kumiko to her pokeball, promising she'd call upon her soon enough, but Lucky remained holding her arm with one ribbon and using his other ribbons to keep the rest of the family close.

"We're ready. Lead the way, please."

[priestessofspiders]

Blue Eyes

I’ve always been passionate about animals, even when I was a very young girl. I used to beg my parents repeatedly almost every week to take me to the zoo, and the family television was practically always tuned to Animal Planet, much to the chagrin of my video game obsessed older brother. I wanted to go into veterinary medicine as a career, but the cost of schooling, amount of time it would take to get my degree, and frankly grueling work hours eventually made it clear to me that that wouldn’t be an option.

Still, I made the best of the hand I was dealt, choosing to work at various animal shelters, non-profits, and other organizations associated with animals. I even had a short stint working as a janitor at the zoo I used to be so excited to visit as a child, though the commute was Hell. I had to quit that last job because it turned out that behind the scenes the zoo administration was taking far worse care of their animals than I would have liked, and I didn’t feel comfortable being complicit in their mistreatment.

In any event, this path in life eventually led me to work at a small wildlife rescue. It wasn’t an especially glamorous position, and I will freely admit the pay was abysmal, but I had a chance to make a genuine difference in the world, and that made me happy. For every sick deer or injured goose we nursed back to health, I felt like I had a real purpose.

It wasn’t always a particularly pleasant gig, if I'm being entirely honest. Even the most ardent nature lover will soon find that the task of saving wild animals begins to lose its luster after week after week of squirrel bites and diseased bird shit. Nonetheless, I genuinely did enjoy my job. At least until that final night. The night that made me never want to work with animals ever again.

See, while we didn’t have the staff to do this every night, when we had a chance to we would have a skeleton crew run the graveyard shift, since a lot of the time we’d come in the next morning to find a half-dozen missed calls from people who wanted help with some nocturnal critter or another. I was happy for the extra pay, and most of the time things were fairly quiet, so I had a chance to put up my feet and read a book or mess about on my phone in between having frantic callers ask if they could bring in a bat that had flown into their home.

That particular evening I was pacing between social media apps on my phone out of boredom when we got a call from what sounded like a very distressed middle aged man.

“This is the _____ Wildlife Rescue, how can I help you?”

“Hi uh. Well. I don’t know how to put this exactly, I know it sounds crazy, but there’s a wolf in my front yard.”

He was right. It did sound crazy. From what I was aware, there were no wolves in this state outside of zoo animals, and I highly doubted one had managed to escape captivity at my former place of employment and find its way over to this relatively isolated area. The place I lived in was not a large town by any means, little more than a couple streets full of shops surrounded by a vestigial suburb and some farmland.

“Sir, are you absolutely sure it’s a wolf? We don’t really have those around here, it’s significantly more likely it might just be a stray dog, maybe a coyote at worst.”

“I don’t- I don’t know for sure but… it’s big. Real big. If it’s a dog it’s certainly the biggest one I’ve ever seen. And there’s something wrong with how it moves, like it’s got a limp or something, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. I think it might only have three legs.”

I got the man’s address and thanked him for his time before getting up to go grab the other member of the skeleton crew, let’s call him Jake. Jake had been there a little bit longer than me, and we generally got along pretty well. He used to be studying to become a veterinary technician but the stress got to him and he decided to take a job here instead. His experience with at least some veterinary medicine made him a great asset, though he did sometimes make some very stupid decisions. I once had to stop him trying to grab a rattlesnake with his bare hands just because he was so excited for an opportunity to catch a snake. However, the main reason I wanted him to accompany me was that he was quite a large man, and there was something about the whole situation which from the get-go made me very nervous. I felt a lot more comfortable bringing along someone who looked like he could bench press 400 lbs if he had to.

The farmhouse that the man had called from was only a quick drive away, maybe 15 minutes at most. At the time I thought this was quite fortunate. While the full moon was shining bright enough for us to see the road fairly well, I never liked driving long distances on these country roads after dark. I always worried a deer or something might jump out in front of the Wildlife Rescue’s crappy old van or that’d I’d take a wrong turn or something like that.

Unfortunately for Jake and I, we arrived without any difficulties at the farmhouse, and the animal was still there. I can’t quite bring myself to say it was a wolf, not after what I experienced.

It certainly looked like one though, which was quite the shock. Both Jake and I let out a near simultaneous murmur of “Holy shit” as we caught our first glimpse of the thing. Something people often forget is that wolves are big, up to 180 lbs at the largest. For comparison, huskies only get up to about 60 lbs at the most. This thing was enormous.

“That has to be a wolf. No way in Hell is this thing just a stray dog”, mused Jake.

“It might be a wolfdog,” I suggested, “it doesn’t quite look like a wolf does it? There’s something off about the proportions.”

Something about the thing’s physiology bothered me, but I couldn’t put my finger on why. It just wasn’t moving the way it should have. I was reminded of a video I’d seen a couple months ago of an extremely realistic animatronic, something made for an amusement park I think. It was quite well-crafted to be sure, it didn’t even tick off the usual “uncanny valley” alarm bells when I looked at its face, but the movements weren’t quite right. I felt the same way looking at that thing in front of the farmhouse.

The animal was looking at us now, staring towards the van, its eyes glowing in the reflected beam from our headlights. It didn’t run though, it just continued to pace, looking at us. Jake and I were stepping out of the van at this point, not sure what our next course of action would be, but determined to do our best regardless.

I found myself fiddling with my necklace as we approached; a gift from my grandfather. It’s a makeshift medallion fashioned out of an old silver dollar and suspended on a leather cord. He’d had a little hobby of making jewelry from old knick knacks, and at home I had a small collection of earrings, necklaces, bracelets, brooches, and the like, all made from various random objects. He’d unfortunately passed away a few years back, and I tried to wear at least something he’d made every day as a way to keep his memory alive. I recall him telling me after he gave me the medallion, “Now you’ll be safe in a gunfight, so long as you wear this over your heart” with a grandfatherly wink, as if I was at any risk of being a victim of old west banditry in the 21st century.

I was snapped out of my idle remembering by the sound of Jake’s voice, though I didn’t quite catch what he said. “Hm?” I muttered, indicating that he should repeat himself.

“I said it’s gotta be someone’s pet. Some rich guy bought himself a three legged wolfdog and it got out of the house maybe?” he said. Now that we were a little closer, it was clear that the animal was only walking on three legs, though it moved about with quite a degree of dexterity, as though it had long grown used to the condition.

It kept pacing back and forth, back and forth, just looking at us. Its eyes were a brilliant blue, which was a definite tip off that whatever this thing was, it wasn’t a proper wolf. When it comes to canines, blue eyes are strictly a trait of dogs. There was something else I noticed though, its tail wasn’t quite right. It seemed too stiff, and a bit too long. Suddenly it clicked in my brain what was wrong with it.

“It’s not missing a leg. Look,” I said, pointing, “it’s just sticking out one of its hind legs. Maybe it’s wounded or something like that?”

As if in response to my words, the “wolfdog” stopped pacing, looking directly at me specifically. I could feel when it made eye contact with me, those blue eyes boring into my own. I could have sworn I saw its lips turn up slightly at the edges, forming a mischievous grin. It lowered its previously extended hind leg to the ground slowly, deliberately. It didn’t have a tail at all. I doubt that it ever did. Then it began to limp towards us, whimpering softly.

How to describe what it sounded like? It’s a little difficult. I’d heard an anecdote once from an online acquaintance who worked with birds regarding an old crow they were taking care of. Crows are excellent mimics of sounds, and will often repeat noises that they frequently hear. Well, evidently, this particular crow had taken to mockingly “cawing” in a human voice. Someone must have been trying to “talk” to the bird by crudely imitating the crow’s own cries, to which the wily corvid had mirrored back their own mimicry, like a language’s native speaker mocking someone with a foreign accent by repeating a particularly egregious mispronunciation.

The “wolfdog” sounded like something copying a human copying a dog, its whimpers were artificial, stilted, almost campy. It sent shivers up my spine immediately, but Jake didn’t seem to notice.

“You’re right, he’s definitely hurt and judging from how he’s reacting to us, I’d certainly wager he’s somebody’s lost pet. I vote we take him back to the rescue and try and contact a domestic animal shelter in the morning, I’m sure we can find a cage that will fit him just for one night,” said Jake, sounding almost enthusiastic. I noticed how quickly the animal had changed from an “it” to a “he”. Humans will start bonding with anything if it seems pitiful. Jake held out a hand for the thing to sniff.

“Jake, don’t-” I started to say, about to warn him that it was equally likely the thing was so seemingly friendly due to rabies, but before the words could leave my lips, the animal was already licking his hand meekly.

“Come on boy,” Jake said in a playful tone, “let’s get you in the van, then we’ll get you some treats when we get back to the rescue.”

Jake led the animal back to the van, talking to it in a goofy sing-song tone of voice as though it were his beloved childhood dog while it made faux-whines and pretended to limp. I couldn’t understand why he couldn’t tell that something was wrong with it. From behind, I could see very clearly there was no sign of docking or anything else that could have resulted in the “wolfdog’s” tail being removed. It was as though it was born without one. There was something else too, something I couldn’t put my finger on, about its legs. It felt like I was missing something obvious, like when a word is at the tip of your tongue but you can’t remember it. The whole thing was frankly making me sick to my stomach.

The drive back to the rescue was uneventful, aside from Jake gushing about how adorable his newfound friend was. It’s not that I’m not a dog person, I have no issues with them at all, I love animals of all sorts. But this thing wasn’t a dog, nor was it a wolf, nor anything in between. I kept catching the reflection of its eyes in the rear view mirror, staring at me through the caged off back of the van. I didn’t like its eyes, piercing blue like those a human being’s. I could have sworn that once, just once, it winked at me.

One might wonder why I didn’t voice my concerns to Jake, but the simple truth is this; what was I supposed to say? It’s not like there was anything concrete I could point to beyond “bad vibes”, and I could hardly tell him to stop the van and kick the animal out onto the side of the road, could I? So, ultimately, I swallowed down my fear and tried very hard to convince myself there was nothing at all the matter.

We reached the wildlife rescue without incident, and Jake opened the back doors to the van, patting at his legs to direct the “wolfdog” to come out. The thing made a pathetic scene, whimpering as though afraid that jumping down the foot or two out of the van’s back would hurt its supposedly wounded leg, though from what I could see there didn’t look to be any injuries whatsoever. Ultimately Jake wound up assisting the thing out of the van, lifting it gently down while it whined and yelped in that terrible, mocking voice.

Jake begrudgingly put a collar and leash around the animal’s neck only at my insistence, complaining that it was obviously tame and that he was sure it would behave itself, but I wouldn’t hear of it. If he wanted to adopt the damn thing that was his own business, he still needed to follow basic safety precautions.

We guided the thing into the kennels, where we nudged it inside the largest one, a cage usually reserved for injured deer. It whined more at this perceived injustice, staring up in over-the-top performative sadness at Jake as he turned the key to lock it inside.

“Poor thing. I’m gonna get him some water and food, you wait here and keep an eye on him,” Jake said, not giving me time to respond before leaving the kennels to acquire the supplies for our “guest”. As soon as Jake left the room, the animal stopped its whining nearly instantly. I think it could tell I wasn’t falling for its act. It just stared at me, and once again I could see that faint, terrible smile on its face.

The “wolfdog” wasn’t the only occupant of the kennels that evening, there was a raccoon, a bobcat, and a goose. All of them seemed terrified of the thing. The bobcat and goose were hissing, and the raccoon’s tail was waving back and forth wildly. I’d always been told I had more empathy for animals than people, and as I stood there, being stared at by this not-wolf, I wondered if maybe that was why I instinctively was repelled by it in the same way the other patients of the wildlife rescue were. It didn’t feel like an animal.

It felt like ages, just standing there, looking at this smiling, mocking, thing shaped in a parody of a canine. In the bright light of the kennel, I could see it much clearer, and the longer I looked, the more queasy I felt.

I won't go over all of the hideous quirks of proportion that made the thing look so uncanny, because frankly most people wouldn't notice. Dogs come in all shapes and sizes, and it would take someone with a particular eye for this sort of thing to understand what I would even be talking about. To this day I still don't understand how Jake couldn't see it for what it truly was, with his education he ought to have been able to notice.

I will mention one thing though, something which especially made my skin crawl. Beneath the fluorescent light I could finally tell what had been bothering me about its legs. Wolves, dogs, and other canines all have digitigrade legs, that is to say that they walk upon their toes. It basically means that their limbs have an extra joint on which to bend, which is generally more useful for quadrupedal motion. In contrast, humans have plantigrade legs; we walk on the soles of our feet.

This animal's legs were plantigrade.

This can happen sometimes in dogs, it is a deformity which is known to occur, but this thing didn't look deformed. It didn't seem to have any trouble walking, despite its act with Jake. It just moved as though it were a human being crawling about on all fours.

It was around the same time as I had this realization that Jake entered the room with the food and water for our "guest", and I excused myself to go sit at the reception desk and try to convince myself everything was fine. It's just a weird dog, there's nothing to worry about, you're probably just tired, your mind is playing tricks on you, I kept thinking to myself, my internal monologue working overtime to wash away my discomfort while I fiddled with the medallion my grandfather made.

The terrible thing is, it was so close to the end of our shift when it happened. The sun was due to start rising in half an hour, and we would have been replaced by the morning crew. We were almost done, we were almost safe.

Jake and I had been finishing up our last remaining tasks before we had to head off for the morning when we heard an awful racket coming from the kennels. It was a terrible feline yowling, mixed with the frantic honking of a goose, followed shortly afterwards by the smashing of glass. Jake immediately began sprinting towards the sound, while I called out for him to wait.

I grabbed some bite proof gloves and a heavy apron, swearing all the while about having to deal with the stupid bobcat right before the end of my shift. While I was putting them on, I heard an awful, strangled scream. I recognized its owner at once. Something had happened to Jake.

My first instinct was to sigh in annoyance. Obviously the idiot got himself bitten, I thought to myself as I stomped my way to the kennels, grumbling all the while.

"I told you to wait you moro-" I started to say as I opened the door.

It was dark in the kennels. The only illumination came from the window, the pale moonlight glinting against the shattered glass of the fluorescent bulb strewn across the blood soaked floor. Silhouetted against the window was a tall figure, facing away from me. It was holding something. I could hear the terrified chatter of a raccoon.

"Jake?" I asked, timidly, as I walked into the room. My foot collided with something lying on the floor. I looked down to see a human body, face down upon the ground, blood dripping from its torn out throat. Laying next to Jake's corpse were the similarly mangled bodies of a bobcat and a goose.

There was a pained screeching followed by a snap of bones, and then a moment of utter stillness. I stared in petrified horror at the thing standing upright in the moonlight, its dog-like head turning to look at me with an awful smile etched unnaturally across its inhuman face. The silence was interrupted with the wet thump of the raccoon's body joining the other corpses on the gore smeared linoleum.

I don't want to think about its voice. Its real voice, not the wretched, terrible mockery of a wolfdog that it made to gain Jake's trust. Its laughter was vicious, mocking, evil. In all my life I've never heard anything sound so deeply cruel.

The thing began to walk towards me, and I tried to back away, but I slipped on the blood, falling in a heap as I started to hyperventilate. It got closer, close enough that the light from the corridor let me see the look of hunger and contempt in its monstrously human eyes. It reached a gore soaked claw towards me, chuckling darkly as it prepared to reduce me to nothing but meat.

But as the thing was just about to touch me, inches away from tearing into my jugular, it let out a surprised yelp of pain. It recoiled from me, eyeing the medallion around my neck with frustration and hatred. My mind flashed back to when my grandfather gave it to me, and what I said to him in response;

"A gunfight, papa, really? I'll probably get more use out of it fighting off werewolves."

The monster huffed and growled before leaping over me and tearing down the hallway in a blur of bloodstained fur. I heard the smashing of wood and glass when it crashed through the front door of the wildlife rescue, letting out a mocking imitation of a wolf's howl as it fled into the waning darkness of the rapidly fading night.

When my coworkers found me in the kennel, paralyzed with fear and covered in Jake's blood, they immediately called the police. Based on all the evidence they found at the scene, coupled with my admittedly somewhat hysterical account of the thing that did it, the put the whole affair down to being the work of a rabid wolfdog. They informed animal control, but of course nobody ever found anything.

I never bothered showing up to work at the wildlife rescue again after that, and I've been working a shitty retail job ever since. The pay is awful, the hours are lousy, and the work is demeaning, but that doesn't matter. All that's important is that the schedule is flexible enough that I never have to keep working after sunset whenever there is a full moon. I spend those nights at home with the door locked and bolted, clutching my grandfather's silver dollar medallion and praying I don't hear that mocking voice pretending to whimper outside the door to my apartment.

[uwuwriting]

Soulmates w/ Dabi, Shirakumo and Keigo

Request: Hello! I just read a few of your writings &I'd just like to say they're amazing! Anyways, may I request some hc's for a soulmate AU w/ Dabi, Shirakumo, & Hawks?(all separate)- anonymous

Soulmate Aus have a shit ton of tropes so I went for a different trope on each boy bc I love them all. My man Dabi has dipped the last few chapters and I’m getting kinda deprived, although I appreciate him not burning my baby Shoto to a crisp so we good. Love ya.💖💖💖

masterlist II rules

warnings: angst with some fluff

 Dabi/Todoroki Touya II Interchangeable eye color

-Dabi’s outlook on love is really negative. 

-Growing up the way he did and in the environment he did, the possibilities in him believing or cherishing love and soulmates was low. 

-When he got his soulmate sign he was around 12. 

-It was the darkest moments of his life and he hated himself to no end. 

-When he woke up on that fateful Sunday morning he thought that he was hallucinating. 

-Then he imagined that this could be an after affect of his trauma, just like his hair. 

-His mind though drifted to his soulmate. 

 -He didn’t have a mark up until now and your eye color changing was one of the many soulmate signs out there. 

-As he stared at his left eye, the e/c orb staring back at him, he began to cry. 

-Sobs wracked his body as he clutched his eye. 

-This was unfair. 

-He shouldn’t have a soulmate, what good could he be to anyone?

-He is a failure and he is gonna bring down his soulmate as well. 

-So he hides it. 

-Puts a patch over his eye to conceal the new color blooming around his iris and when his family starts questioning it he buys contacts. 

-Natsuo helps him even though he doesn’t understand why his brother doesn’t want a soulmate. 

-Years pass until he finally meets the person that has changed his life. 

-Shigaraki was being a brat as usual, whining about needing new members for his little group. 

-Dabi couldn’t care less.

-This  whole charade with these losers would only aid him reach his ultimate goal. 

-He didn’t care about Shigaraki’s shitty ideologies and otherworldly desires, he just wanted his revenge. 

-His eyes scanned the so-called hide out in utter boredom, his gaze landing once again at the bar’s door left slightly ajar in case someone came looking. 

-He didn’t expect for the door to open though. 

-And as the grease old door creaked open a figure stepped into the room, clad in black from head to toe. 

-A mask was covering half of your face leaving only your eyes visible. 

-You scanned the place before your eyes landed swiftly on him, knocking the breath out of him as you locked gazes, e/c orbs baring into his own. 

-The vibrant blue on your left eye had him gasping for air. 

-It was stunning. 

-You moved to talk to Shigaraki, your voice albeit monotone and cold, sent tingles up his spine making his hairs stand at attention. 

-His eyes were glued on you, one of his hands subconsciously going to the left side of his face where his mark should be visible.

-It felt as if his contact burned his eye and he quickly took it off, not minding about possible infections since he didn’t wash his hands before touching his eYE DAMMIT YA NASTY AF. 

-His body was drawn to you, his mind screaming at him to talk to you to go close to you. 

-You knew he was your soulmate. 

-You had known the moment you stepped into the bar; no one had such a beautiful blue hue in their eyes other than your soulmate. 

-Despite your mutual desire to be close to each other you  held off for months. 

-Months of keeping distance, months of giving each other the cold shoulder. 

-It would all reach a tipping point soon and Dabi would finally understand what it’s like to truly love someone. 

-Until then though, suffer in your mutual pining. 

Shirakumo Oboro II Red string of Fate

-The string around his pinky finger always lay motionless for years. 

-It was slack and lifeless, no sign of his soulmate being remotely alive. 

-It really worried him, he thought that he might be one of the few unfortunate individuals who didn’t have a soulmate. 

-He talked to his friends about it and they all reassured him that his soulmate was just too far away from him so even if they tugged at the string he wouldn’t be able to feel it. 

-This reassured him all throughout middle school. 

-He started getting a little discouraged when he saw all his classmates getting their soulmate signs whether it be names tattooed on their wrists, one of their eyes changing color or a strand of their hair, other could hear faint music if they concentrated hard enough while others were unfortunate enough to feel their soulmate’s pain. 

-Shirakumo was left staring at the red string surrounding his finger. 

-He had thought about tugging at it, making the first step instead of waiting for the person on the receiving end.  

-But on this day, the day when both Aizawa and Hizashi got their respective signs he found himself tugging at the string. 

-At first he pulled lightly watching the string grow taught slowly and then go slack again. 

-He waited for what felt like a century before tugging again and again, more force being put in his pulls every time. 

-After an hour of waiting and tugging he was done. 

-Eyes downcast with a frown on his lips, he was ready to let this whole soulmate thing go. 

-At the end of the day he doesn’t need the universe to tell him who he should fall in love with; who he is destined to be with. 

-Then he felt it. 

-The lightest tug at his finger. 

-His eyes followed the red string as it straightened a few times before going limb again. 

-Aizawa walked in on him pulling the string like crazy, excited giggles leaving his lips when his soulmate responded with their own pulls. 

- “Shota I did it. T-they answered!”

-This whole string communication business lasted until the first day of high school. 

-As Oboro walked through the halls of UA he felt the string shift on his finger. 

-It was as if it was wrapping tighter around his finger, almost to the point that it hurt. 

-Maybe he was about to meet his soulmate that’s why the string was thinning. 

-Wait, meet them??

-He wasn’t ready to meet them!!!

-What if they didn’t like him? What if his hair was a bit too cloudy for their likes? Oh god his hair must be a mess because he flew here. Maybe he can dash into one of the bathrooms and fix it real quick. Will he be too loud for them? What-

-Lost in his own thoughts he completely missed the person standing in front of him and soon he was crashing into them, a small grunt leaving his lips as he maneuvered himself to cushion their fall. 

- “Oh God I’m so sorry, I was totally zoned out. Are you alright?” 

- “Why are you apologizing? I ran into you.” 

-He let out a chuckle as you scrambled off of him, dusting off your skirt before offering him a hand. 

-As he took it he felt his pinky being released from the pressure. 

-Right before your eyes you witnessed the red string that connected you both unwrap for your fingers, illuminating for a moment before completely disappearing leaving a sense of familiarity and warmth in its wake. 

-You both stared wide eyed at each other before awkwardly introducing yourselves. 

-It didn’t take long for you two to actually fall in love and if you’re being honest it’s was so easy to fall for him that you believed that even if you weren’t soulmates you would have loved him. 

-Even after years, even after that fateful summer, the sense of his presence and his warmth never left you; it was as if he wasn’t gone and he was still somewhere out there. 

-You were half wrong in that one….I think. 

Takami Keigo/Hawks II Name tattoos

-He got his tattoo when he was 13. 

-It had really awful timing if he was being honest. 

-The hero commission was isolating him completely, even from the few friends he had made around the facility he trained in.

-He couldn’t even begin to imagine what they might do if they find out he had a soulmate. 

-He truly wished he had a different soulmate sign or no soulmate at all. 

-He did everything in his willpower to hide the calligraphy of your name on his left wrist. 

-Bandaging it up, covering it with a watch even scribbling over it like he used to do when he was 9 and bored. 

-But at some point it became harder to hide it, harder to conceal the beautiful name that was printed on his wrist. 

-So he confided in someone. 

-One of the caretakers at the commission had taken him under their wing ever since he was a wittle toddler, he trusted them with his life. 

-When he approached them frantically grasping his wrist in attempts to hide the letters, they were both delighted and saddened. 

-It was nice knowing that this poor child had someone out there that was meant for him and would make him happy, replace every single one of these awful memories with new ones.

-Memories he would like looking back to. 

-But just like Hawks himself they knew that the commission wouldn’t allow this person to get involved with him, at any costs and they knew how far these people could go in order to guarantee Hawks’s undivided concentration. 

-So they helped him; they bought him some make up to cover it up and taught him how to apply it correctly. 

-By the time he was out of the hands of the commission *at least not in close reach* no one apart from them knew of his soulmate’s name. 

- “Now listen here Keigo, I want you to take good care of them when you finally meet them. And never forget that you deserve nice things, don’t let anyone take your happiness away.” 

-He did find his happiness. 

-It didn’t happen right away but it did come sooner than he expected. 

-He had learned about the new transfer student who began attending UA in the middle of the year. 

-He never heard their name but he knew they existed. 

-Turns out they were quirkless but were determined to become a hero despite their shortcomings. 

-After a few months he bumped into them and oh lord his wings have never been puffier. 

-He was  relaxing on the roof, away from prying eyes and loud people, just him and the birds *he found his people at last*.

-When he heard the door open he almost leaped off the building but paused at the sound of a soft voice. 

- “Oh I’m so sorry I didn’t know someone was up here.” 

-Turning around he came face to face with the most beautiful person he had ever laid his eyes upon. 

-For the first time in his life he stumbled over his words, a swift ‘It’s alright’ escaping his lips and before he knew what he was doing he was inviting you to sit with him. 

- “Wow you can see everything from here.” 

- “The view is better up in the sky if you ask me.”

-After a long pause he added. “I could show you if you want.” 

- “How can I trust you? Hmmm?” you teased. “I don’t even know your name.” 

-He let out a chuckle before continuing. “Could say the same for you but since I’m a gentleman I will grace you with my name. I’m Keigo Takami or Hawks if you wanna go with my hero persona.” 

-He saw your eyes widen as you stared at him, your eyes darting to his covered wrists. 

-Quickly you composed yourself straightening your shirt and extending your hand, the black letters of his name delicately engraved on your smooth skin. 

- “Nice to meet you, I’m Y/N L/N.”  

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[kcrabb88]

Queer Movies/Books/TV Shows for Pride Month!

Happy Pride everyone!! For your viewing/reading pleasure I have made a (non-exhaustive) list of queer media that I have enjoyed! 

Movies/Documentaries

Pride (2014): An old tried and true favorite, which meets at the intersection of queer and workers’ rights. A group of queer activists support the 1985 miners’ strike in Wales (complete with a sing-through of Bread and Roses + Power in a Union)

Portrait of a Lady on Fire: On an isolated island in Brittany at the end of the eighteenth century, a female painter is obliged to paint a wedding portrait of a young woman (or, two young lesbians fall in love by the sea, and you cry)

God’s Own Country: Young farmer Johnny Saxby numbs his daily frustrations with binge drinking and casual sex, until the arrival of a Romanian migrant worker for lambing season ignites an intense relationship that sets Johnny on a new path (Seriously this movie is GREAT and doesn’t get enough love, watch it! It’s rough but ends happily)

The Half of It:  When smart but cash-strapped teen Ellie Chu agrees to write a love letter for a jock, she doesn't expect to become his friend - or fall for his crush (as in she falls for his crush who is another girl. This movie was so good, and really friendship focused!) 

Saving Face:  A Chinese-American lesbian and her traditionalist mother are reluctant to go public with secret loves that clash against cultural expectations (this is an oldie and a goodie, with a happy ending!)

Moonlight:  A young African-American man grapples with his identity and sexuality while experiencing the everyday struggles of childhood, adolescence, and burgeoning adulthood (featuring gay men of color!)

Carol:  An aspiring photographer develops an intimate relationship with an older woman in 1950s New York (everyone’s seen this I think, but I couldn’t not have it here)

Milk: The story of Harvey Milk and his struggles as an American gay activist who fought for gay rights and became California's first openly gay elected official (the speech at the end of this made me cry. Warning, of course, for death, if you don’t know about Harvey Milk)

Pride (Hulu Documentary):  A six-part documentary series chronicling the fight for LGBTQ civil rights in America (they go by decade from the 50s-2000s, and there is a lot of great trans inclusion in this)

Paris is Burning (Documentary): A 1990s documentary about the African American and Latinx ballroom scene. Available on Youtube!

A New York Christmas Wedding:  As her Christmas Eve wedding draws near, Jennifer is visited by an angel and shown what could have been if she hadn't denied her true feelings for her childhood best friend (this movie is SO CUTE. It’s really only nominally a Christmas movie and easily watched anytime. Features an interracial sapphic couple!) 

TV Shows 

Love, Victor: Victor is a new student at Creekwood High School on his own journey of self-discovery, facing challenges at home, adjusting to a new city, and struggling with his sexual orientation (this is a spin-off of Love, Simon, and it’s very sweet and well done! Featuring a young gay man of color)

Sex Education:  A teenage boy with a sex therapist mother teams up with a high school classmate to set up an underground sex therapy clinic at school (this has multiple queer characters, including a featured young Black gay man and also in season 2 there is a side ace character!) 

Black Sails: I mean, do I even need to put a summary here? If you follow me you know that Black Sails is full of queer pirates, just queers everywhere.

Gentleman Jack:  A dramatization of the life of LGBTQ+ trailblazer, voracious learner and cryptic diarist Anne Lister, who returns to Halifax, West Yorkshire in 1832, determined to transform the fate of her faded ancestral home Shibden Hall (Period drama lesbians!!! A title sequence  that will make you gay just by watching!) 

Tales of the City (2019):  A middle-aged Mary Ann returns to San Francisco and reunites with the eccentric friends she left behind. "Tales of the City" focuses primarily on the people who live in a boardinghouse turned apartment complex owned by Anna Madrigal at 28 Barbary Lane, all of whom quickly become part of what Maupin coined a "logical family". It's no longer a secret that Mrs. Madrigal is transgender. Instead, she is haunted by something from her past that has long been too painful to share (this is based on a book series and it’s got lots of great inter-generational queer relationships!) 

The Haunting of Bly Manor:  After an au pair’s tragic death, Henry hires a young American nanny to care for his orphaned niece and nephew who reside at Bly Manor with the chef Owen, groundskeeper Jamie and housekeeper, Mrs. Grose (sweet, tender, wonderful lesbians. A bittersweet ending but this show is so so wonderful)

Sense8: A group of people around the world are suddenly linked mentally, and must find a way to survive being hunted by those who see them as a threat to the world's order (queers just EVERYWHERE in this show, of all kinds)

Books

Loveless by Alice Oseman:  Georgia has never been in love, never kissed anyone, never even had a crush – but as a fanfic-obsessed romantic she’s sure she’ll find her person one day. This wise, warm and witty story of identity and self-acceptance sees Alice Oseman on towering form as Georgia and her friends discover that true love isn’t limited to romance (don’t be turned off by this title, it’s tongue-in-cheek. This is a book about an aroace college girl discovering herself and centers the importance and power of platonic relationships! I have it on my TBR and have heard great things)

Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters: Reese almost had it all: a loving relationship with Amy, an apartment in New York City, a job she didn't hate. She had scraped together what previous generations of trans women could only dream of: a life of mundane, bourgeois comforts. The only thing missing was a child. But then her girlfriend, Amy, detransitioned and became Ames, and everything fell apart. Now Reese is caught in a self-destructive pattern: avoiding her loneliness by sleeping with married men.Ames isn't happy either. He thought detransitioning to live as a man would make life easier, but that decision cost him his relationship with Reese—and losing her meant losing his only family. Even though their romance is over, he longs to find a way back to her. When Ames's boss and lover, Katrina, reveals that she's pregnant with his baby—and that she's not sure whether she wants to keep it—Ames wonders if this is the chance he's been waiting for. Could the three of them form some kind of unconventional family—and raise the baby together?This provocative debut is about what happens at the emotional, messy, vulnerable corners of womanhood that platitudes and good intentions can't reach. Torrey Peters brilliantly and fearlessly navigates the most dangerous taboos around gender, sex, and relationships, gifting us a thrillingly original, witty, and deeply moving novel (again, don’t be thrown off by the title, it too, is tongue-in-cheek. This book was GREAT, and written by a trans women with a queer-and especially trans--audience in mind)

A Tip for the Hangman by Allison Epstein: A gay Christopher Marlowe, at Cambridge and trying to become England’s best new playwright, finds himself wrapped up in royal espionage schemes while also falling in love (this book is by a Twitter friend of mine, and it is a wonderful historical thriller with a gay man at the center).

Creatures of Will and Temper by Molly Tanzer: a very very queer remix of The Picture of Dorian Gray (which was already quite queer), featuring amazing female characters, a gay Basil, and a much happier ending than the original. 

Red, White, and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston: The gay prince of England and the bisexual, biracial first son of the president fall in love (think an AU of 2016 where a woman becomes president). Featuring a fantastic discovery of bisexuality, ruminations on grief, and just a truly astonishing book. One of my favorites!

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston:  For cynical twenty-three-year-old August, moving to New York City is supposed to prove her right: that things like magic and cinematic love stories don’t exist, and the only smart way to go through life is alone. She can’t imagine how waiting tables at a 24-hour pancake diner and moving in with too many weird roommates could possibly change that. And there’s certainly no chance of her subway commute being anything more than a daily trudge through boredom and electrical failures. But then, there’s this gorgeous girl on the train (This is Casey McQuiston’s brand new novel featuring time-travel, queer women, and I absolutely cannot WAIT to read it)

The Heiress by Molly Greely: Set in the Pride and Prejudice universe, this takes on Anne de Bourg (Lady Catherine’s daughter), and makes her queer! 

Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters:  Nan King, an oyster girl, is captivated by the music hall phenomenon Kitty Butler, a male impersonator extraordinaire treading the boards in Canterbury. Through a friend at the box office, Nan manages to visit all her shows and finally meet her heroine. Soon after, she becomes Kitty's dresser and the two head for the bright lights of Leicester Square where they begin a glittering career as music-hall stars in an all-singing and dancing double act. At the same time, behind closed doors, they admit their attraction to each other and their affair begins (Sarah Waters is the queen of historical lesbians. All of her books are good, and they’re all gay! The Paying Guests is another great one)

(On a side note re: queer books, there are MANY, these are just ones I’ve read more recently. Also there are a lot of indie/self-published writers doing great work writing queer books, so definitely support your local indie authors!) 

[plaidbooks]

The R Drug part 2

A/N: I promise I still have summer bingo fics ready to go, but this idea wouldn’t leave me alone, so here it is. This is a part 2 to The R Drug, and is a lot of talking and exposition, and a lot of Sonny hating himself. This will most likely get a part 3. No chapter will ever be darkfic or as dark as the first one was. It’s only up from here.

Tags: self-loathing, mentions of rape (like, one line--references first fic heavily) and therapy, otherwise none, just a lot of angst with a maybe happy ending?

Words: 4657

Taglist:  @witches-unruly-heart  @beccabarba @thatesqcrush @itsjustmyfantasyroom @permanentlydizzy  @ben-c-group-therapy @infiniteoddball @glowingmess @whimsicallymad @lv7867  @storiesofsvu @cycat4077 @alwaysachorusgirl @glimmerglittergirl @joanofarkansass @redlipstickandblacktea @caracalwithchips @berniesilvas​  @reading--mermaid  @averyhotchner  @mrsrafaelbarba @detective-giggles @crowleysqueenofhell @dreamlover31

For the first few days, you sat on the couch in pain and exhaustion, wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing. The doctor said that you were severely dehydrated and had kept both you and Sonny overnight after the club, though separated. Olivia and Amanda interviewed you, while Fin interviewed Sonny. You were both then sent on leave until you could come back to work…if you could come back at all.

Thankfully, you weren’t pregnant. But you were sore, every movement causing aches and pains as you shuffled around your apartment. Obviously, you weren’t pressing charges, and neither was Sonny; what happened was a freak accident, something you never wanted to think about again, but knew you’d have to in order to move past it.

When you could finally walk normally again, you went to a therapist. It took a while to find a groove; therapists specializing in rape victims had trouble dealing with the fact that while yes, you were a victim, you were also a perpetrator. The other strange thing was that you weren’t angry with Sonny; you were angry with yourself. You assaulted him, just as he assaulted you. And that was the part that was eating you up inside.

It took months of therapy, going every day and working through your confused and frustrated emotions before you finally came to terms with what had happened. You were ready to put your badge and gun back on, ready to move on with your life. You missed your job, your squad. But most of all, you missed Sonny. He was your best friend before all of this happened, and you hadn’t seen nor talked to him since the club. You missed his boyish charm, his bright smile and his loud laugh. You missed the little inside jokes you had together, and the late nights spent curled on the couch, watching reality TV and sports. You missed your Sonny.

**********************

On Monday morning, four months after the club incident, you made your way into the familiar precinct. You were heading for Olivia’s office when you stopped short. Both Amanda and Fin were at their desks like normal. Even your desk was how you left it; a few photos, baskets to hold paperwork, little knick-knacks that made it yours. But Sonny’s desk, the one next to yours, was completely different. There wasn’t a single photo of any Carisi, no Mets or Islanders memorabilia, no nothing that made it his. Instead, there was a picture of two men, one you didn’t recognize posing with…Deputy Chief Dodds?

Before you could ask questions, Amanda said, “that’s Mike Dodds’s desk. He’s the new Sergeant.”

“Where’s Carisi’s desk,” you asked, turning to look at her.

But it was Fin who answered. “He doesn’t have one.” You swore you got whiplash turning to look at Fin so quickly. “He turned in his badge and gun months ago…just after the club fiasco.”

“What?” you almost yelled. You were loud enough that Olivia heard you, and she and the new guy—Mike?—came out of her office. She beckoned you to her office, and you passed by Mike, who tried to give you a smile that you did not return.

“Welcome back—” Olivia started before you cut her off.

“Carisi’s gone?!”

She closed the door behind you before taking a seat at her desk. She motioned for you to sit, and you all but collapsed into the chair. “I tried to keep him, to talk him out of quitting. But he refused, saying he needed to work through things. I’m sorry, but there was nothing I could do.”

You stared in disbelief at the top of her desk. Sonny was gone. You had to talk to him, had to see him. You said as much to Liv.

“If you think you can get through to him, then by all means. Because it’s been hard around here not having two of my best detectives,” she replied. “Dodds has been a godsend, but he doesn’t replace either of you, and especially not both of you.”

You nodded. “I’ll talk to him, try and bring him back.”

“I wish you luck. I think he’ll listen to you; you were close before…all this.”

 **********************

After leaving the precinct, you tried texting and calling Sonny, but to no avail. In fact, it was going straight to voicemail, as if his phone were dead or off. So, you swung by his apartment. You buzzed his place, but a deep, gruff man answered.

“I just moved in a few months ago; the previous owner seemed to be in a hurry to move out,” he said. Clinging to the hope that this was still Sonny just trying to put on a fake accent, you buzzed a neighbor. But they confirmed that Sonny had moved out a couple months ago, and that a new tenant moved in.

Out of desperation, you tracked down a phone book, and looked up his parent’s place. Then you took the drive out to Staten Island. You shifted nervously on the porch, waiting for an answer after knocking.

A woman in her 60s, who could only be Mrs. Carisi, answered. Her eyes darted to your waistband, the badge there, then back to yours. You watched them slowly fill with tears.

“Please, don’t tell me yet,” she muttered, and you furrowed your brow. “Don’t tell me my Bambino is…is…” she hiccupped, and you understood; she thought you were here to deliver the news that Sonny was dead.

“No, no! I’m actually…I’m Carisi’s partner…or I was. I’m just…having a hell of a time tracking him down,” you quickly explained.

She sniffled, trying to compose herself. “Well, I hope you do find him.”

“You mean…you don’t know where he is?” you asked, heart sinking.

She shook her head. “He told us he needed some time, and that he’d be in touch. That was the last we saw or heard from him, and that was back in March.” It was June now, and you were realizing that this was going to be a lot harder than you thought.

You nodded, muttering out an apology for bothering her as you turned away, but she grabbed your wrist, stopping you. “Please, if you find Sonny, tell him we love him. And that we want him to come home.”

“Of course,” you replied before leaving, holding back tears until you were back in your car.

 ****************

Your first real clue as to where Sonny went came through looking at his bank statements. There, you found a one-way trip to Genoa, Italy. Without too much thought behind it, you booked a flight, texted Olivia your intentions, then headed to the airport. In your hurry, you didn’t pack, didn’t even book a place to stay. You only had one thing on your mind, and it was to find Sonny Carisi.

With the clothes on your back, your phone, passport, and wallet full of bills that you converted to euros, you got on the one-way trip to Genoa.

 ***************

You barely slept on the plane, landing early in the morning. The sun was just peaking over the beautiful Italian landscape. Even in your exhaustion and worry, you had to stop and appreciate the architecture of a different country. Genoa was beautiful, and you’d be enjoying yourself if the drive to find your missing partner wasn’t so high. You had a picture of him on your phone, and you went around, asking everyone you passed by if they had seen him. At first, you were asking in English—you didn’t know Italian. But eventually, you learned the phrases you needed.

“L'hai visto?” you asked desperately.

You understood “no,” and saw the look of sadness on their faces.

“Grazie,” you replied, moving on.

You must’ve asked hundreds of people. The sun was high in the sky, and you felt a hopelessness in your fruitless search. Why did you ever think you’d find him? There was a good chance he wasn’t even in Genoa anymore; he could’ve landed and moved somewhere more isolated. You had nothing to go on, and your voice and face took on a pleading, desperate tone. You must’ve looked like an unhinged person, asking the same question over and over again while pointing frantically to your phone screen.

Another thought came to you in the form of a growling stomach. You hadn’t eaten, hadn’t had so much as a sip of water since you got off the plane. Which then led you to think about what you were going to do once the sun went down. You didn’t have a whole lot of money on you, and you didn’t know how much anything cost.

“I’m such a fucking idiot,” you muttered to yourself in frustrated hopelessness. You sat down hard on a bench, cursing yourself for not thinking this through better.

A woman came over to you; she looked somewhat familiar. You must’ve talked to her before. But she started speaking rapid Italian to you. You gave her a puzzled look, brow furrowed. You tried to express that you didn’t speak Italian, and she stopped, her face contorted as she thought.

“Man,” she said in slow, pronounced English. She pointed to her left. “Man...you want?”

You followed her finger and froze when you saw the tall, lanky frame of Sonny through a shop window. You jumped to your feet, shouting a “thank you!” to her as you ran on tired legs to the shop. Sonny was just paying for groceries, and was heading out of the shop when you reached him.

His eyes widened as he saw you, guilt flooding his eyes. “...[y/n]?” he asked. “What’re you doing here?”

“Looking for you,” you replied, grinning. “I thought I’d never find you.”

He gave you a hard look. “I wish you didn’t,” he muttered before turning to leave.

You stared in disbelief as he walked down the street, bag in his arms. Snapping yourself out of it, you hurried after him. “Carisi, what are you doing here in Italy?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” he asked, not breaking in his stride. You struggled to keep up with his long legs, your body and mind exhausted. “I’m trying to start over, away from my past.”

You pushed yourself to get in front of him, cutting him off. “You can’t just—just run away.... Don’t I...don’t we mean anything to you? The squad, your family—”

“Of course you do,” he replied, eyes softening for a moment. “That’s why I left.”

You looked at him, eyes pleading. “Look, Dom, I know what happened was...traumatic. But—”

“I’m not talking about that. Not now, not ever.” And then he was walking again, easily stepping around you. “Please, just go home,” he called over his shoulder to you.

You watched him retreat for a moment before heading after him again. “Dominick, you need to talk about it, if not to me, than to someone else. But you can’t bury it down, move on like nothing ever happened.”

Sonny whipped around to glare at you, face hard. “Like nothing ever happened? You think that’s what I’m doing?” He shook his head, huffing. “I’ll never stop thinking about it! This will haunt me to my grave! And when I’m burning in Hell, I’ll know why.”

It broke your heart to see him like this. “Please, listen to me. You need to work through this. It took me months to come to terms with my actions, and I know you can do it, too.”

“I’m too disgusted with myself,” he replied, shaking his head. “I hate myself too much for what I did to you.”

He tried to turn away again, but you grabbed his shoulder, stopping him. He flinched at the contact, pulling away from your touch, and you let your hand fall. “I hated me, too. Still do sometimes. But it wasn’t our fault; we were drugged. There was nothing we could do—”

“I could’ve fought it. I could’ve controlled myself.”

“And what, I couldn’t?” you shot back. Sonny’s eyes widened at your outburst. “If you hate yourself so much, then you must hate me, too. I did the same thing you did.”

He was quiet for a moment, eyes scanning yours. “I could never hate you.”

“Then why are you so hellbent on hating yourself, but not me?”

“Because I...” he trailed off, thinking through his words. You could tell there was something he wanted to say, but instead he whispered, “I don’t know.”

You moved closer to him. “Then please, let me help you.” You didn’t make the mistake of touching him again, instead just gazing deeply into his eyes.

Sonny sighed heavily, regripping the bag in his arms. “Yeah, okay. But...let me sleep on it, first?” He saw the skeptical look you gave him, and he quickly added, “I promise I won’t run away again. I just...I need time to process things. Where are you staying? I can swing by in the morning.”

“Uhh...” you said, looking at the ground.

“...please tell me you have a place to stay.”

You shifted uncomfortably. “I was going to try and find a place, soon?” you tried.

You could see the inner struggle he had as he fought himself. “I could...you could stay with me, if you want.... That is, if you feel safe with me...if you can trust me.”

“Dominick, I trust you with my life,” you said softly.

His eyes widened for a moment. “Yeah...okay. Follow me.”

 ****************

Sonny lived in a small apartment. Though it was a little smaller than his place in Manhattan, it was absolutely stunning, the view from his window gorgeous. It was simply furnished, yet it still somehow felt like...Sonny. He put his grocery bag down on the little counter that acted like an island in a kitchen. In reality, it was just a piece that separated the kitchen from the living room.

“Have you eaten?” he asked as he put his things away.

You stomach grumbled loudly in response. “Uh, no,” you muttered, embarrassed.

Sonny gave you a look. “So, let me get this straight. I can tell by your no luggage or place to stay that you just flew to Genoa with absolutely no backup plan? What if you didn’t find me? What if I went to Vernazza or something?”

You smiled sheepishly. “I wasn’t in the best state of mind, okay? I was worried about you; no one had heard from you, not even your parents. And your phone just went to voicemail.”

He sighed. “I left my phone in New York; I didn’t want it. Maybe I also wasn’t in the best state of mind when I left.”

You dug your phone out of your pocket; you only had 10% left on it. You unlocked it, then shoved it towards him. “You need to call your parents. Your mom is heartbroken, and asked me to tell you that she loves you. But I think it would be better coming from her directly to you.”

Tears filled his eyes as he took your phone from you. “If I do, then it’ll kill your phone battery. There’s no way the call would be less than five hours long.”

“Call them,” you urged. You could buy a phone charger in the morning. Sonny sighed, dialing the number. “I’ll give you some privacy,” you whispered, heading outside. You heard a soft, “hey ma; it’s me,” before you closed the front door behind you.

You were so relieved to have found Sonny. Sure, he was still broken and hurt, but you knew you could help him find himself, pull himself back from the darkness in his mind. You just didn’t know how long it would take, how long you’d be in Italy for. You didn’t want to rush him, couldn’t rush him if you tried. And you knew a lot of this would be an internal battle, something you knew intimately well based on your own experience. In the end, he’d have to find the strength to forgive himself on his own before he could move on. You sighed, looking up into the dark clouds above you, the muggy heat making your skin sticky.

 *********************

Sonny came and got you about an hour later. His eyes were rimmed red, but it seemed as though a weight had lifted off him as he handed back your now dead phone.

“Sorry; I can buy you a charger in the morning,” he muttered, leading you back inside.

You shook your head, smiling softly. “Don’t worry about it.”

You both ate dinner in silence; Sonny was pensive, thinking, while you were starving and shoveling the delicious food into your mouth. Once you finished—your huge bites compared to his little nibbles had you finishing in record time—you took your dishes to the kitchen and started cleaning them.

“I can do that—” Sonny started before you cut him off.

“It’s fine; you cook, I clean.” It was your rule back in Manhattan, and Sonny smiled softly at the memories of you both in his kitchen.

“Look, Sonny, I know you said you don’t want to talk—and that’s fine! But, if you ever do want to talk, I’m here, willing to listen,” you said. You scrubbed at your plate with the sponge, forcing yourself to not turn and look at him.

He sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. You resolutely stayed facing the sink, washing a now clean dish, waiting for a response that may not come.

“I...I know it was R. I know it was. But I just...I can’t stop the self-loathing I feel,” he said so quietly, you barely heard him over the water in the sink.

Slowly, you turned the water off, then turned to face him. “I know. It took me months to not hate myself. To not blame myself.”

Sonny took a deep breath, then rubbed his eyes. “I never asked; how are you?”

You knew he didn’t mean in general. “I was very sore and exhausted the first week. I was stuck in a downward spiral. But the thing about hitting rock bottom is that you can only go up.” You sighed. “I’m doing better. I doubt I’ll ever be 100% me again. But I’m working every day to get closer.”

He nodded, thinking. “See, I feel like I hit rock bottom, then grabbed a shovel. I’m still fighting to get back to rock bottom.”

“Well, just know that I do not blame you in any way. All the anger and hatred I felt was directed at myself,” you huffed out an emotionless chuckle. “In fact, you hardly came up in my therapy sessions at all. Just that I hated myself for doing that to you.”

Sonny stood then, bringing his own dishes into the kitchen. “I never blamed you, either; still don’t. I—I guess because I’m bigger and because I was...on top, I blame myself instead. I didn’t even consider the fact that you got drugged, too....”

“That’s the thing; I know you. And I know myself. Neither of us...that wouldn’t have happened without outside forces making us do it. Like I said, I trust you with my life, Sonny. And while I understand why you turned your badge in, I really would like my partner back one day,” you said, hope tinging your voice.

He reached past you to put his plate in the sink, and you gazed up at him. This was the closest you’ve been since that night in the club, his face inches from yours, bright blue eyes boring into your own. For a moment, it was like nothing had happened. You could pretend that you were in Sonny’s Manhattan apartment, having just finished dinner he made, Love Island playing on his TV. But then reality set in, and Sonny backed away from you, a look of guilt in his eyes.

“M—maybe one day. But I’m not sure I want to go back to that line of work yet,” he muttered, looking at the floor.

You nodded. “I understand—” you were cut off by a loud clap of thunder, sounding directly above you. You dropped the plate you were rinsing off into the sink, the clatter loud in the shocked silence.

Sonny looked from the ceiling to you, saw your petrified look. He knew you hated storms, would often get a call at 1am from you, asking to come over when a thunderstorm rolled in. When he saw you on the streets of Genoa, he didn’t connect that Italy had some of the most intense thunderstorms in the world.

“Hey, it’s okay; I’m here,” he murmured out of instinct; the words he would say back home to you.

You were trembling, tears in your eyes. “S-Sonny, I—”

Another loud rumbling resounded through the apartment, and he saw you shrink in on yourself, slowly dropping to the floor, curling around your legs. You tucked your face against your knees, shaking with quiet sobs. He came over to you, kneeling in front of you. Normally, he’d wrap you tightly in his arms, whispering to you that you were safe. But now, he was afraid to touch you.

“Dominick, I trust you with my life,” he remembered you saying, with no hesitation. Swallowing the thoughts propelled by self-loathing, he placed a hand on your shoulder. He knew he wouldn’t assault you, wouldn’t do anything without your consent, so why the hell was he hesitating when you needed him?

“Come on; let’s get you into bed, okay?” Sonny whispered to you. You nodded without looking up. Gently, he unfolded your limbs, helping you to your feet. He had been planning to sleep on the couch, give you his bed. Now, though, he was leading you to his bedroom quickly, trying to make it before more thunder sounded.

He got you into his bed just as another clap of thunder shook the walls. You pulled the covers over your head, tucking down as hard as possible into the bed. Sonny climbed into bed next to you, laying on top of the covers. Gently, he wrapped an arm around you, pulling you back against him. He could feel you trembling, the whole bed shaking. What else could he do besides what he normally did?

“It’s okay; you’re safe. I got you,” he whispered, rubbing your arm over the blanket. You rolled over until you were facing him, and curled in against his chest. Sonny stiffened for only a moment before relaxing in the familiar position.

“I hate storms,” you choked out, tucking your face into his shirt.

He rubbed your back in comfort. “I know you do. It’ll be gone soon enough.”

But unlike Manhattan, where that may be true, thunderstorms in Genoa lasted hours. Simply because you didn’t sleep the night before, you were able to drift off in Sonny’s embrace. You’d jerk awake every time a clap of thunder was heard, though, shaking and sobbing softly as he murmured sweet words to you before succumbing to sleep again.

Sonny, however, didn’t sleep a wink. He was too lost in thought, holding you to him. You trusted him enough to sleep in the same bed, his arms around you, even after everything that happened. You didn’t blame him, felt no hatred towards him. And while most of his problem stemmed from his own self-hatred, he was always afraid that you felt the same way about him. And he couldn’t deal with that, couldn’t stand it. Not when he—

He almost said it out on the street earlier, when you asked him if he hated you. He almost told you that he loved you, had come so close. In fact, he was planning on asking you out after work that day. The day that changed his life forever, and not in the way he had been hoping. If only Liv hadn’t called you both into her office that day, then maybe there would still be a chance....

But he could never tell you, not now. How would you even begin a relationship after this? He was too afraid to even touch you, for Christ’s sake. Though, that was before the thunderstorm started. Now, you were curled against his chest, your trembling stopped for the moment, breathing deep as you slept. His arms were around you, and god he loved it, loved the feeling of you sleeping in his arms, whether from a storm or not. This wasn’t the first time he held you throughout the night, and he loved it every time, regardless of circumstances. But how could anything evolve from this? How could he kiss you? How could you be...intimate together without the memory of the club popping up in either of your minds?

A small part of him whispered that if he could get over his fear of touching you—evident by the cuddling—then he could overcome his other fears, too. But would you want that? Did he?.... Yes, yes he wanted that very much. He wanted to be able to love you without fear and/or guilt in his heart. Before the club, he had thought that his biggest obstacle would be 1PP. Oh how ignorant he had been.

He resolved that he wouldn’t tell you, not now, maybe not ever. He couldn’t, not when this darkness was still inside his head, not when his hatred for himself was so high—

Thunder rolled out, and you jumped, instantly waking. The trembling started again, and you grabbed Sonny’s shirt, pulling him closer to you.

“I got you. You’re okay, you’re safe,” he whispered to you.

But for the first time ever, you responded. “You make me feel safe, Dom,” you muttered back.

At first, he was filled with such a profound warmth and happiness, feeling protective and strong. But then a flash of your face, beet red, your body moving erratically underneath his while loud club music played, and he sunk in on himself. He felt like such an asshole, such a coward, holding you like this. He should’ve left you on the streets in Genoa, closed himself off. Or at least offer to put you up in a hotel or a hostile, not fucking take you home with him. He hated that side of him that couldn’t let you go, almost as much as the hatred of that night in the club.

“What’s wrong?” you asked suddenly. You were still shaking in his grasp, but you noticed he was deep in thought. He had stopped talking, and was humming slightly. Sonny only hummed when he was thinking hard. He didn’t respond right away, unsure of what he’d even say. So, you pressed on, “need me to comfort you?”

Sonny’s expression softened. Here you were, scared out of your mind, but still offering him help. This is one of the main reasons he loved you. “No, I’m fine. Just sleep, okay?” he murmured.

Without thinking about it, he brushed his lips against your forehead, giving you a gentle kiss. You smiled at the gesture, tucking your head against his chest again, quickly finding sleep once more.

But Sonny was silently cursing himself. Why the hell did you kiss her?! he thought in anguish. In truth, he didn’t think, just reacted. He often kissed your forehead in comfort, trying to coax you to sleep. It seemed as if when he turned his brain off, he could rely on instinct, doing things he normally did. But that nagging side of his brain never left him alone for long. Things he used to do that brought him joy, like holding you or kissing your soft skin, now filled him with regret. How was he supposed to move on and leave you behind in New York when he did shit like this?

He sighed, glancing at his clock and seeing that it was only a little past 1am. This was going to be a long night. And he still wasn’t sure what to say to you in the morning.

[mosswillow]

Try again, and again, and again - Maybe you’ll be free this time.

Dark!Charles Xavior x Reader (fem), Dark!Erik (Magneto) x Reader

Warnings: 18+ Adult content, Rape/noncon/dubcon, oral (male recieving), manipulation, abuse, mind control, posessive behavior, glove kink, blood, violence.  

Word count: 2222

A/N: Eek, I finally finished this. I hope ya’ll enjoy it. This is different from my original plan of multiple parts. I like how this came out though, it feels right with the vibe of part one. Hopefully it’s the right amount of confusing to make it fun and interesting but not stressful.

By clicking keep reading you confirm that you are an adult over the age of 18 and understand that this content is dark and potentially triggering.

You’ve done this too many times, stood at this window remembering it all. It’s exhausting; you’re so tired, so worn down. It’s a lie, all of it. You never married him. He forced you into this, erased your memories and added his own. He stripped you of your agency, moulded you into what he wants. A happy wife, someone to control - to submit.  

“Are you ready to stop this now?” Charles hisses from behind you.

A tear runs down your cheek and you wipe it away with the back of your hand. You step back from the window and slowly force your body across the room to your “husband”.  

“Good girl,” he praises, pulling you down and kissing away your tears.

You close your eyes and let him kiss you. His tongue pushes in your mouth and you open for him, tasting the slight saltiness of your tears on his tongue.

“Let’s go back to bed,” he smiles.

You lie next to him and turn your body away, stiffening as he puts his arm over you protectively. Your life has always been like this since you were born, it was stupid to think you could ever find happiness in this fucked up world. You feel his hand snake down your body and take a deep breath before opening your legs for him.

He was the first mutant you ever met, found you scared and starving in an alleyway and gave you food - love - family. He made you feel like you weren't alone for the first time in your life. For so long everyone around you made you feel like your power was bad but he didn’t think that. He thought that your power made you better than everyone else. He taught you to embrace it, to carry your mutation with pride. He told you to never take abuse, to throw everything they did to you right back at them.

Comical, really, how the one who brought you to a place of acceptance, who taught you not to take abuse, turned around and abused you. He had taught you well, too well. As soon as the first bruise showed up you chose to leave. You deserved better.

“What do you think you’re doing,” He said as you packed a bag. You should have left while he was gone but it was too late now.

“I just need space Erik, some time to think about what I want.”

“No,” his voice was quiet but serious, the tone more alarming than any of the times he had yelled. it made you stop packing and look at him. He took a small step forward and you noticed the disheveled appearance. His leather costume was torn in several places and sweat was beading on his forehead.

“This is what I’m talking about, I need to be able to have my own life. You dictate everything and won’t even tell me where you go. You… you hurt me,” you grabbed your arm gingerly, looking at it and frowning.  

The familiar sound of metal being manipulated came from Erik and you looked up just in time to see pieces of silver fly towards you. Your wrists were suddenly encased and you tried in vain to move against them.

“Let me go,” you said.

“No,” he replied almost too calmly.

“I’m leaving you Erik, you can’t do this,”

He walked to you and ran a gloved hand over your cheek.

“I can do anything I want, baby.”

Your wrists suddenly slammed into the floor and he was grabbing your head, tilting it back so that you looked up at him. He brought his other hand to your cheek, smoothing his thumb over your lips. “Anything,” he said as he pushed his thumb in your mouth. The earthy smell and taste of his glove overwhelmed your senses and you struggled against him. It was no use though. He was stronger than you would ever be. You relaxed your jaw and closed your eyes and he removed his hand, replacing it with his dick. He grunted as he pushed into your mouth, slowly pushing further into your throat with every thrust. When his cum finally filled your throat you swallowed and kept your eyes down. He crouched in front of you and kissed your cheek before leaving to shower. He left you there all night and by the time you were finally released from your chains you were too exhausted to fight. He carried you to the bed and fucked you gently and you let him.

You spent months alone in the prison he created for you. He said you would be let out once he was confident you wouldn’t try to run or use powers but you weren’t sure that would ever happen. Even when you followed all his rules, when you acted like you loved him. He would still find reasons to keep you isolated. Your life revolved around him, a cycle of trying to please him, eventually acting out and the inevitable punishment that came with your rebelion. It wasn’t a way to live.

“You’re thinking about him.” Charles' voice has an edge to it, one you’re familiar with.

You nod and turn your face away.

“You’re not there anymore sweetheart, I’ll take care of you.”

Charles grabs your chin and forces your head towards him. He kisses you softly on the cheek and pulls you towards him until you’re settled against his warm body.

He’s the same though, it’s the exact same suffocating love you ran from almost two years ago.

It took five years of trying to finally do it. Erik made a mistake, He left the back door open and you took your chance without hesitation. The first barefooted step onto the dirt was euphoric. Being kept away from the earth was like torture. Silent tears fell as you dug your hand into the ground and felt it move. It sucked away the fear, leaving you with a sense of peace. You had power again, could feel it like electricity move through your body.

Sounds of fighting came from nearby and you hid.

You could feel where people walked. The earth was talking to you, telling you when and where to hide. You made your way to a helicopter and crouched in the back, making yourself as small as you could and praying that whoever was attacking would get away and take you with them.

You held your breath as a group of mutants piled in quickly and the helicopter lifted from the ground. You stayed hidden for an hour before someone noticed you. A woman, red hair and drenched in sweat looked at you.  

“Who are you?” she asked. her bright green eyes widening in shock.

“I’m not like him,” Charles says “You’re happy here,” The anger in his voice becomes more evident by the second.

“Stay out of my head!” you yell.

A headache starts burrowing into your brain and you cry out in pain.

“I’m not like him,” he reiterates.

You struggle in his arms, turning to your back and looking at him from inches away.

“You’re even worse. He always knew he was a monster, he wanted liberation at any cost, me at any cost. He was…” you search for the words to explain “a poisoned cup of water.”

You grit your teeth and stare in his eyes, bringing your face so that your noses almost touch. You don’t care, there’s nothing he can do to you that hasn’t already been done, no way he can hurt you more than he already has.

“You pretend like you’re a hero but you’re not. You're a glass of juice laced with the same exact pison as him. You look good and taste good but you’ll kill me the same way.”

He uses his power against you, reminding you who he is and what he can do. You scream as your body bursts into invisible flames. With Erik the bruises would remind you that it was real.  Charles doesn’t even afford you that. Everything with him is invisible, all in your head. They’re not the same, Charles is worse.

“Is she ok?”

“She’s fine Jean, give her some space.”

You groaned as you returned to consciousness.

“She’s waking up!”

You jolted up, turning your head to stare at your surroundings. The last memory you had was crouching in the helicopter, now you were laying on a couch surrounded by mutants.

“I’m Jean,” a soft voice said.

“I’m sorry I… there were no other ways out,” you whispered.

“We know,” You looked over to see Charles pushing himself towards you. He stopped and looked you in the eyes.

“We’ll take care of you,” He smiled.

You smiled back, feeling safe and free for the first time in a long time. The X-Men, you had found a true family at last. Everything was going to be ok.

You’re expecting him to knock you out again, for you to fall asleep and wake up his loving wife but The pain stops suddenly and you whip your head towards him in surprise.

“You didn’t take my memories?” you ask.

“I’m not like him,” Charles insists.

You sit up and pull your knees to your chest.

“Show me you aren't, let me go.”

He looks up at the ceiling and inhales.

“I can’t.”

It started so slow with Charles. He gave you personal lessons, treated you kindly. You started to actually fall for him.

But then a new mutant came in and the chemistry was like nothing you had ever felt.

Charles got jealous almost immediately. You slowly started to see him the same way you saw Erik, recognizing the signs, there were so many red flags. You weren’t going to stick around, you had to leave while it was still an option.

You packed a bag and ran without a word, finding a job far away.

You should have known better. It was your hope that he would just let you go but of course he didn’t. Charles found you easily, and he was angry. You had never seen so much rage, it was like you were looking into Eriks eyes. You begged him not to do it, cried for help.

They stood there complacent as he forced you to your knees and rewrote your history, wiping your brain for the first time. They said they were your family, you loved them, and they betrayed you.

“It would be easier if you just accepted this, I don’t like using my powers against you.” he says.

You roll your eyes. He does like using them, you see it behind his eyes every time he does it. He loves the power. You look at his face and see a slight twitch in his eye. The wheels start turning in your head, a theory forms.

“You’re losing your ability to control me,” you say.

He sets his jaw and you know you’re right. Your lips lift into a small smile as hope starts to bloom.

“What will you do once you can’t just erase memories?” you ask.

A headache starts again and you stare at him, fighting back. You’ve never fought back before like this, didn’t know you could.

“I’m going to leave you,” you say before the world goes black.

Jean was the one who made the memories return for the first time. She unlocked them for you, cried and apologized as you sat there panicking.

Nobody said no to Charles. he wanted you and they were too afraid of him to stop it, she told you. The team was happier, Charles was happier. They sacrificed you, pushed the abuse onto you so that it wasn’t on them anymore.

It was all a show.

Your husband of three years had only kidnapped you a week prior. It was stressful and confusing, you ran to the bathroom and vomited. Charles called your name from the kitchen and you bolted out of the house. You made it halfway through the yard before you were tackled and held with your hands above your head. The only thing you could reach was a little bow from your hair. You took it and jammed it into the ground, letting the earth take it and hoping that one day it could somehow help you. You had to fight, keep trying no matter what.

“Good morning my love,” Charles says.

“Good morning,” you smile back.

You give him a kiss on the cheek and stretch out before walking to the kitchen. You look out the window and your memories come back in a sudden burst.

You turn around to see him in the doorway. Fear washes over his face as he realizes how fast you escaped this time.

You smile and raise your middle finger at him. The window shatters into small pieces as your fist breaks through. Blood drips down your hand but you don’t care. You’re free.

“I’ll find you,” he calls.

Maybe he will. Maybe he’ll find you and bring you back, keep you locked up. Maybe he’ll add chains to your hands and feet like Erik did. He won’t chain your mind though, never again will he control you like that. He can try again, and again, and again but you’ll always break free.

[hellboundwitch]

I think it's time for me to talk about Felix S. Warren

aka @da-at-ass, @badoccultadvice, @merkvahpartyvan, @felixswarren, among many other names.

A warning: this is going to be long, because A) everything I write is long, I’m really sorry about myself and 2) I knew him for years and a lot happened during that time. That being said, I'm also not going to cover every single wrong Felix ever did to me and mine, so while this is long, it's also not even close to comprehensive.

In all honesty, I should have said something sooner. Over the past year, I have kept my mouth shut because I was worried that issues about anything I said might be channeled back at my friend Rune, who was already going through enough.

However, my issues with Felix predate his relationship with Rune, much less their breakup. The truth is, I stayed quiet because I’ve been afraid of Felix for years, and when you’re that afraid of someone, your instinct isn’t to post about them all over social media, your instinct is to try and stay under their radar and avoid them at all costs.

Even now, I’m afraid. But at this point I’ve left tumblr, I feel cut off from all of our mutual friends and I know Felix’s behavior well enough to know that he will never stop obsessing over Rune, just like he never stopped obsessing over all of the other villains he’s manufactured in his mind, so I guess I really have nothing to lose by talking about what I personally went through with him and what I've seen him do to others.

If it were just his libelous statements about Rune, that would be bad enough, but it's part of a larger pattern of behavior that I think people need to be warned about before they become his next target.

When Felix and I became friends, I don't think it took very long to notice a few things.

Firstly: EVERYONE he didn't like was a narcissist. He could be very good friends with people for years but then one day when they did something he didn't like? 🎶 It was narcissists all along! 🎶 What are the odds that EVERYONE you meet and don't like is a narcissist? Not that high!

And his predisposition to diagnose everyone he dislikes with a personality disorder is problematic given that SECONDLY: Felix turns against every single person he's friends with at some point.

It was like watching a timer run down every time he interacted with someone. It didn't matter if he knew them in real life, or if he just interacted with them via Skype. Eventually, the effusive praise would give way to constant criticisms, often behind the person's back. With Felix, you could believe you were good friends up until the point where he didn't have any use for you anymore except to play the villain in his latest story. He always has to have a villain, and unfortunately the closer you get to him, the more likely it is that it's going to be you.

And at first, it didn't seem weird. The people he didn't like were I people I didn't like, so if he had something to say, maybe I did too! I did think it was kind of weird that often these were people that he seemed very friendly with in public, but like, sometimes your friends annoy you, or you don't see the need to be cruel or hostile to someone just because you may have some other issues with them. I get that.

Then the people he started talking about started becoming our mutual friends. One by one he moved through our whole friend group, ostracizing each member, and trying to plant seeds in our minds about all of the terrible things those people did to us. And at first? I agreed. Yeah, they WERE annoying. Yeah maybe they did say that stuff or do that thing.

But it didn't stop after the first person. And the reasons seemed to get thinner and thinner until it seemed like he'd just wake up that day and decide that someone was out for no reason at all. Honestly? It was terrifying.

There are so many details about this time and his behavior that I’ve tried to write out here, but just remembering all of it is so triggering that I can’t really even bring myself to talk about them now.

Some of my friends at the time can tell you how often I cried on the phone to them, how worried I was that I would be next.

There stopped being any rhyme or reason that I could see as to who Felix would turn against, and at the time I didn't feel like I could handle it if it were me. Knowing that what was left of the friends Felix had been allowing me to keep would be in a group chat all agreeing that I did whatever horrible thing he decided to accuse me of, whether it really happened or not, was too much for me.

Looking back, I wonder how many of them were scared too, how many of them were agreeing because they didn't want to be next either. At the time, he had me so in thrall that I didn't even think of that. I just felt like I had to do whatever I could to please him and keep him happy with me, or he might decide to ruin my life for fun.

I've personally apologized to at least one of the people involved in that. I'm sorry I didn't stick up for you. I'm sorry that I tried to hide or downplay our continued friendship. I was so worried he would see me as a threat that I didn't act like a good friend and speak out. And I would like to extend that apology to all of our other friends as well because I'm pretty sure by this point I owe it to every single one of you, whether you know it or not.

I’m sure that anyone who thought that I might say something about Felix were expecting most of it to be about Rune. But the truth is that I’ve had issues with Felix since before he and Rune were ever speaking, much less dating.

It’s not that I don’t have any opinions about his treatment of Rune. I mean, his desperation for Rune to be fully under his control (a pattern I had seen him play out with our friends before, attempting to ruin the lives of anyone who got close to the object of his fixation and took away attention that he wanted for himself), and his anger when he couldn’t force Rune to isolate himself from his family and become dependent upon him, not to mention how his narratives about Rune are so obviously inconsistent that the lies within them speak for themselves.

The fact that he would call the cops on a home full of very marginalized people and EVER think that’s a good thing to do, even if he really did believe Rune was being abused? by the way NEVER CALL THE COPS in a domestic abuse situation, like EVER?? Never ever!! You can and WILL get people hurt! Remember kids, ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS and actual abusers will lash out at their victims if you do this!)

It’s my honest opinion at this point that getting close to Felix is dangerous. He’s not a person that you can trust and he’s not someone that it is safe to be around. He will lash out with magic, he will lash out with social manipulation, he will outright lie if it helps paint him as the victim and you as his monster of the week.

If you’re lucky, he’ll stop eventually -- once he has someone else to play these games with and maybe if you disappear completely. And even then, he’s still going to be checking your blog, obsessively googling your name, stalking your friends trying to find you, trying to “check up” on you, trying to keep feeding this twisted thing inside of him.

I have never made a “tumblr callout post”, even though there have been plenty of people who deserved it. And this is maybe this is the one I’ve been most afraid of doing, even now, even though I won’t be around for the fallout of it.

All of my other posts on this blog are gone now and when I publish this, I’ll be logging out of this account and I don’t plan to come back. I kind of hate that it has to be like this, but I don’t see any other way I can feel safe talking about this stuff, and I just can’t be silent any longer.

[sunfoxfic]

Anyway I have Thoughts on Skyrim survival mode and no where else to share them so here I go

The main thing I'd like to start off with is that I am heavily enjoying this playing experience. It feels better paced and more strategic overall, and it may be the fact that I've played the game 5 times but I think the fact that it is necessarily slower than normal game play is really helping.

I definitely think they could have possibly placed more beds around the country and made tiredness more of an issue, but without messing around with what beds are available, I definitely think they've struck a good balance on how often you need to sleep. Not so often that traveling between civilized areas is an issue, but frequently enough that you have to be aware of where you're starting, where you're going, and where you're going to sleep once you're done.

(Though there are definitely times where I think they made really weird decisions over whether a bed is owned or not. Why are random beds all over Markarth - you know the ones - owned, but you can sleep in random strangers' houses if you've chopped wood for them??)

Eating, likewise, isn't as bad as it could be. Getting salt in the early game is definitely an issue, so raiding barrels around cities is important, but getting food to prepare with the salt isn't an issue. Worse comes to worst, cabbage and salt makes cabbage soup, which is heavy but offers a lot of hunger points.

The best food is probably salmon which is easy to acquire and lightweight, though only 220 hunger points (other foods are frequently 380, and the difference is worth it imo). Seared slaughterfish is also 0.1 carry weight, but less common.

As for other strategy:

Get married early on. Personally I recommend marrying Balimund and moving him to Breezehome because then you'll have three blacksmiths in one city, which is nice for leveling up. Getting married gives you a steady source of income and homecooked meals, which are good.

The Steed Stone is your friend. The Steed Stone will mean that you get to carry around things like ingredients and soul gems, because without the Steed Stone you've got shit for carry weight and your armor is heavy, but you need that armor for the cold. Get the Steed Stone, at least until you can get the perk for heavy armor that allows it to weigh nothing, or until you get some decent light armor that provides the same amount of warmth.

Before you have Breezehome - and it will be a while - the Thieves' Guild and the Companions are good choices for reliable beds.

Do not make the mistake I did - wait to go to Winterhold. You can pay to get a carriage there but you cannot pay to get a carriage out. I genuinely almost died of cold getting from Winterhold to Windhelm because I did not think it through. Winterhold is cold, Winterhold is isolated from other places, Winterhold is not that helpful early on. Get some decent armor or at least a few hot soups before you go.

Speaking of hot soups! They aren't very helpful. They're bulky food, 0.5 carry weight each, and they don't actually do shit for your warmth. They cost a lot in fire salts and you're probably better off using the fire salts in alchemy or even just straight up selling it.

Be aware of what minor quests you have to do at any given time. Trust me, you will be kicking yourself, early game especially, if you leave Windhelm only to realize that you completely passed up the opportunity to complete a random heist quest you currently have. My recommendation? Have any quest that you feel you can do whenever selected. This means radiant quests, quick fetch quests, "go talk to this person for me" quests, etc. Quests that you'd like to know if they're nearby. This will help you choose somewhere to go - if you have a huge clump of quests all in the same area, for example - and it makes it harder to forget.

Okay, onto where I think survival mode could use some serious improvements:

Horses: Horses have always been a bit broken, but they should be so helpful in survival mode for getting around. But they're just.... Not. Because you can't reliably know where your horses are. At the very least, I think there should be a mechanic to put your horse in a stable where one is available, or, better yet, tie up the horse at specific points. Especially getting to Falkreath, Winterhold, Dawnstar, and Morthal. More minor, but also I think you shouldn't become as cold as quickly when riding a horse.

Carriages: Survival mode actually made carriages useful more than just the one time! But I think there's a lot of room for improvement on them. First of all, I think rather than a flat fee of 20 gold to travel to a hold with a stable and 50 to travel to a hold without, I think the price should vary based on proximity (and possibly political alignment?). So going to Winterhold from Windhelm maybe costs 30 gold, but going to Solitude from Riften costs 80.

Secondly, I think you should be able to hire a carriage to go to a minor city, if it's within the same hold. So you can pay 20 gold to go to Riverwood from Whiterun, or 30 to go to Falkreath from Riften. But you can't go to, say, Karthwasten if you're leaving from Whiterun.

The last thing I think would be good is perks that could have been added to the speech tree: First, the perk to have a flat fee of 10 gold no matter where you're traveling. Second, the perk to be able to hire a carriage to take you to any location on the map that has already been discovered. Either or both of these would be so invaluable to game play without making it easier or feeling forced in, imo.

Warmth: This is pretty minor, but I think there should be a perk on the destruction tree that makes it so using fire magic warms you up. Or, alternatively, a destruction spell (probably adept, but I could see the argument that it should be apprentice or expert level) that warms the user up. My last idea would be an enchantment on armor that keeps you from getting cold as quickly.

Sleeping: I honestly see no reason why traveling bedrolls couldn't have been added to the game. They definitely could have done something with how long it takes to rest up - i.e., it may take 2 hours to rest completely when sleeping on a normal bed, while it takes 3 hours to rest completely sleeping on a stone bed (looking at you Markarth), and 4 hours to rest completely sleeping in a bedroll. That, combined with the limited carry weight, means that traveling bedrolls are good but not necessarily great, and with the cold, they wouldn't be the best option at all.

Anyway. I have opinions on Skyrim survival mode.

[canary3d-obsessed]

Restless Rewatch: The Untamed Episode 16, part two

(Masterpost of All the Rewatches) (Previous Post) (Canary’s Pinboard of Stuff)

Warning: Spoilers for All 50 Episodes

Just A Box of Rain

The brothers find Jiang Yanli and tell her what happened. Pro Tip: a good way to deliver bad news is like this. 1. say "I have bad news" so the person can be prepared for a shock 2. clearly state the bad news. 

Standing in front of the person with tears streaming down your face and looking away when they try to meet your eyes is not, actually, a super effective method for delivering bad news. 

This episode continues to be punctuated by closeups of characters' hands as they respond to events. 

Yanli clutches her broken lotus pendant, cutting her palm and bleeding as she weeps.

Not-at-all symbolic rain drenches the three of them while they cry, standing apart and not comforting each other.

Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep You think that you're gonna drown Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep With all this rain falling down

(more after the cut)

They upgrade their boat with repaired seats and a real oar, and move along toward a hopefully-safer location. 

The scenery continues to be gorgeous, and it appears to be actually really raining on this river or lake. We see Wei Wuxian's hand on the boat's oar as he takes his siblings to what he hopes will be safety.

Maybe you're tired and broken Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken

OP is valiantly resisting dropping a chunk of "Don't Pay the Ferryman" lyrics in here, because projecting European symbolism onto Chinese media is not my bag. This scene does carry a lot of weight, though, showing Wei Wuxian’s sadness and isolation, his ever-growing distance from his siblings and reminding us of his servant status. While his siblings sit under shelter with tears falling down their faces, Wei Wuxian stands in the rain, laboring to protect them and not letting his own tears fall.

It's totally reasonable that Wei Wuxian is the one to man the oar, right? I'm sure Jiang Cheng is the more exhausted of the two of them even though Wei Wuxian started off his day yesterday getting whipped FIVE times by the Zidian and ended it by being choked for 45 seconds.  

Self-Isolation

They reach an inn, where Yanli has a fever, maybe from being left outside all night while her brothers failed to work out any of their interpersonal shit, followed by getting extremely rained on for hours and hours. 

Wei Wuxian carefully puts on a bright, optimistic face for her, practicing for his future fake happiness after the Burial Mounds.

Jiang Cheng sits and has a lot of feelings, totally not helping while Wei Wuxian tends to Yanli. This is not typical of him and just shows how deeply shocked he is by what's happened; usually he is extremely attentive to Yanli and careful with her health.

Wei Wuxian tries to get Jiang Cheng's attention, so that Jiang Cheng can take over caring for Yanli while Wei Wuxian gets medicine. Jiang Cheng is busy staring into the middle distance, and won't respond.

This is Wei Wuxian realizing that absolutely nobody is going to help him.  

Wei Wuxian goes out in his distinctive robes with no hood or anything, to buy some fever medicine, and is quickly surrounded by guards.  They hear "we caught him" and run off, leaving him be.  

What Wei Wuxian doesn't know, that we learn in Episode 50, is that Jiang Cheng and his death wish decided to take a stroll, and seeing the Wen soldiers approach Wei Wuxian finally snapped him out of his reverie.  So he let himself be caught in order to draw them away from Wei Wuxian. 

Let's talk about this choice. In terms of clan roles, Wei Wuxian is absolutely the expendable one. Jiang Cheng became the clan leader when his father died, and knew it from the moment he saw his father's body. 

So far he's 1. Tried to go back to fight and die, against his parents' express instructions 2. left his sister alone in an inn with a fever 3. given himself up to be killed in place of his chief disciple, when it's his disciples' job to die for him, if it comes to that. All but two of Clan Yao's disciples died to protect fucking Captain Blowhard, for goodness sake.  

All of these actions are emotionally super understandable; he's young, he's had a terrible shock, and he's an emotional guy who's never heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy. And I'm not here to defend feudal power structures. But perhaps Jiang Cheng shouldn't ring the "YOU PROMISED" bell quite so loud in the future, considering his own relationship to his obligations. 

Wei Wuxian begs Yanli to stay put and stay safe while he goes to find Jiang Cheng, and he promises to take Jiang Cheng back from the Wens. Yanli clutches his hands and asks him to promise again that he will rescue their brother, and that they will all go to Meishan together. But for once Wei Wuxian is completely honest, and disentangles his hands and sets off without another word.  

More running ensues, this time in the rain. To quote Adam in Season 7 Episode 1 of Spooks, "all this traumatized running is starting to really annoy me." (Spooks is the shit. Don't watch it if you like characters to have a lifespan longer than a mayfly's)

Camera Operator: Finally, a little appreciation

Wei Wuxian arrives in Lotus Pier, and can we just take a second to appreciate the decor of this place? Look at that tile floor with the cobblestone border, and the bamboo wall panel behind him.

He grabs the first Wen he finds, who turns out to be a much-needed friend.

Rescue Me

The Untamed is the tale of a man’s devotion; devotion so strong it transcends clan allegiance and even death. And that man’s name is Wen Ning.

Initially Wei Wuxian chokes him, like bros do, until he recognizes him and lets him go...

...only to immediately grab him and demand to know if he had a part in the massacre. Wen Ning stays pretty calm, seeing the angry side of Wei Wuxian for the first time, and explains that he heard about what happened, and is there to help.

Wei Wuxian absorbs this and lets him go, giving us a closeup of their hands together, with Wen Ning not so much resisting Wei Wuxian's grip as giving a steadying grip of his own to his best friend.

Wen Ning, who Wei Wuxian saved from one water demon, has already saved Wei Wuxian from one horrifying animatronic dog, and does not actually owe him a life debt at this point. Wen Ning has defied his sister and his entire clan and flown to Lotus Pier with a team of minions, with the specific intent of fucking things up for Wen Chao to the best of his abilities, simply because "Wei Wuxian is a nice person." 

Wei Wuxian isn't feeling like a nice person just now, however, thinking that he can use Wen Ning as a hostage to...what, trade for his brother? Wen Chao would probably be happy to kill Wen Ning himself, but his dad needs Wen Ning as a way to control Wen Qing, so maybe that plan would work.

Then Wei Wuxian sees this small pouch hanging from Wen Ning's belt, and it stops him in his tracks.

For once we are not given a flashback to explain his thinking, so I’ll provide one

The talisman he gave Wen Ning to protect him, now protects him from Wei Wuxian himself. He lets Wen Ning's arm go, and tries to think of another plan. 

Wen Ning already has another plan, and has come to Lotus Pier prepared to enact it. 

Wei Wuxian can't believe he's found someone to help him. In a moment of wrenching vulnerability, he asks Wen Ning to save Jiang Cheng and to retrieve the bodies of Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan. Wen Ning immediately agrees. 

Wen Ning then embarks upon the least sneaky sabotage campaign of all time, chatting to the guards while messing with the wine, and generally acting like a person who is up to something. 

Nobody respects him enough to worry about it, though, and the party proceeds as planned.

The banquet is set up in the cleaned-up courtyard of Lotus Pier The Yunmeng Supervisory Office, and features dancing girls performing in the center of the beautiful carved paving, and corpses hanging in the doorway. 

I bet Jin Guangyao hires this same dance troupe for his future parties.

Wen Chao and Wang Lingjiao sit at the main table, snuggling and being gross, but mercifully not necking on-camera because this is a 100% no-necking show. The drinks are sent around and Wen Chao tells Wen Zhuliu to drink up. 

Wen Zhuliu is busy gazing wistfully at Yu Ziyuan's corpse.

Let's face it, Wen Zhuliu is the only dangerous person in this place at the moment, so what he does next is the make-or-break for Wen Ning’s plan. 

Wen Zhuliu smells his wine and immediately can tell something is wrong. He takes a long moment to consider the situation, eyes on Yu Ziyuan, and then downs it, letting his emotions--perhaps something in the neighborhood of remorse, perhaps simple disgust at his craven supervisor--get the better of him.  

In the morning he will be able to tell Wen Chao with 100% precision exactly what the drug is, probably from smelling it right here. This is the only miscalculation Wen Zhuliu makes in the whole show, and it eventually costs him his life.

Wen Zhuliu has no reason to think this decision will hurt him. It's definitely impossible for Jiang Cheng, whipped and crushed, to avenge himself and his parents. But Jiang Cheng, with Wei Wuxian’s help, is going to achieve the impossible. 

We end with Wei Wuxian hiding while he waits for Wen Ning, as strung out as we have seen him so far, although he's got worse mental states ahead of him on his journey.  He doesn't know yet if he was right to trust Wen Ning, and the episode ends with him, cold, wet, and miserable, waiting to find out. 

Next Episode: Still miserable, but with a cape! Soundtrack: 1. Patty Griffin, Rain  2. Grateful Dead, Box of Rain

[lost-in-the-80s]

Bloodletting Part III - Y/N

Words: 2,245k.

Summary: Guns n Roses are already known for being dangerous, but how dangerous would they be if they were vampires? Would it be a wiseful decision to fall for one of them?

A/N: This part is more focused on explaining the Vampire world and introducing Y/N. 

Part II | Bloodletting Masterlist | Playlist

2020 - New York - 02:40 am

Duff walked through the dark streets of the city, the cold wind hitting his face as his feet touched the floor with an almost inaudible sound. He had just closed his bar, leaving a ton of glasses and utensils to be cleaned the next day.

It was autumn, and he took the opportunity to go walking towards the bar, ironically called Bloodletting, which now meant he’d have to walk back home, or more precisely, Izzy’s home. He didn’t mind walking though, being a vampire had its advantages, and not getting tired was one of them.

He stopped abruptly when a familiar smell got his nostrils, vampire smell, or more specifically, the lack of any smell accompanied by the slowly fading away human scent, mixed with a small hint of embalmed corpse. 

His head snapped towards the smell, curiosity taking a hold of him. It was someone new, he knew it because he was familiar with the scent of every vampire who lived in the city.

Over the years he learned how to identify each one of them based on the smell of things that constantly stayed around them. Like the smell of Slash’s snake, or the smell of cigarettes in Izzy’s clothes. And he was sure, this vampire, whoever it was, was someone new. 

Turning left he walked down a couple of streets until he found a dark alley, the smell of blood was strong and fresh, and coming closer, his eyes adjusted to the light, allowing him to see you on top of a man, his body laying on the ground.

Focusing on his hearing Duff realized that the man was still alive, and judging by the expensive clock on his wrist, he knew that you had made a huge mistake in choosing your prey.

“That wasn’t very smart of you.” He said, entering the alley.

You turned towards him and he realized that you were around his age. Your hair was all messed up and you were wearing party clothes. There was blood dripping from your lips and your pupils were dilated.

You ran towards Duff, pushing him against the wall, your mouth moving towards his neck as you got on your tiptoes. But Duff was older, which allowed him to be stronger than you. One of his hands grabbed your neck, pulling you away from him and inverting your positions, making you hit your back hard against the wall.

“Yep, you’re definitely not smart!”

Your eyes widened in shock.

“I’m gonna let you go, ok?” He said after a few seconds.

You nodded slowly, and so he removed his hand from your neck, taking one step back.

“You shouldn’t have chosen him.” Duff said, starting to walk towards the man, who by now was dead.

“Why?” You finally spoke.

“See this watch?” He removed the accessory, throwing it towards you. “Costs 30 thousand dollars.”

Duff searched for personal belongings in the man's pockets, throwing his wallet and his car keys towards you. Standing up, he threw the body over his shoulder, walking a few steps towards a dumpster and throwing the body inside of it. 

“Take the money and the credit cards from inside of it and then throw the wallet in the dumpster too.” He said, taking a pocket knife out of his leather jacket.

“Why?” 

He rolled his eyes. Is that all you know how to say? He thought.

“We need to make it look like it was a robbery.” He answered, stabbing the man’s neck where two small holes used to be. 

You did as he said, running weirdly with only one shoe on towards the dumpster and throwing the wallet there. You turned around realizing that Duff was nowhere to be seen.

“Stranger?” You shouted.

“Here.” 

You followed his voice, finding him leaning against a black Porsche. “You don’t need to yell you know.” 

He took a cigarette out of his pocket, lighting it up. “Here!” He threw the car’s keys towards you. 

“Find a junkyard and use that money to pay for someone to destroy the car.” 

You looked at him dumbfounded as he started walking away.

“Wait!” 

He stopped, turning around.

“I- I…” You tried to think of what to say, but nothing came out of your mouth.

Duff eyed you for a while, before realizing what was going on. “When did you wake up?”

“This- today... a few hours ago.” You looked so lost.

“Shit.” He mumbled. “It’s normal, most of us don’t remember anything personal after the transition, it can take you some days to remember everything.”

“Transition?”

“You weren’t like this before, honey.” 

You frowned.

“You used to be a human, like him.” He pointed towards the alley. “Now you’re a vampire, like me.” 

“Why?”

“Because someone wanted you to.”

“Who?”

He rolled his eyes. “I don’t fucking know! But clearly wasn't decent enough to raise you.” 

“What- What do I do?”

“There’s nothing you can do, this is your life now.”

You stared at him as he heard your heart racing and could see the tears that started to form in your eyes. 

“Do you remember something? Anything?... Your name, maybe?”

You nodded slowly. “It’s Y/N.”

Duff threw away his cigarette, before opening the driver’s door of the car. 

“Come on, Y/N, let’s get rid of this car, and then I’ll find somewhere for you to stay.” 

---

The sun was rising on the horizon when Duff and Y/N entered the house, everyone showing up as soon as they smelled your scent, curious about the new guest.

“Brought some company, Duff?” Axl asked, walking down the stairs, stopping in front of you and picking up your hand, taking it to his lips, pressing a delicate kiss on it. “All yours or will you share with us?” A smirk appearing on his face.

Duff said nothing, putting his coat on the hanger and walking towards the library, finding Izzy reading by the window. 

“It's a new-born, doesn’t remember anything, I think it’s better if you give the lecture.”

Izzy lifted his eyes from his book, thinking for a second before closing it and exiting the room with Duff on his track. 

“Y/N, these are Axl and Izzy, Steven is the guy looking at you through the backyard windows and Slash is the one up there.” He pointed towards each one of them, stopping at Slash who was on the second floor, looking at them.

You looked to your side quickly, a little startled by Steven’s presence, but soon you saw curiosity in his eyes and his figure waving at you, and you realized he wasn’t creepy. You slowly waved back at him, before having your attention caught by Duff again.

“Izzy is gonna explain to you some things, since he’s older than me.”

Izzy motioned for you to follow him, walking further into the house.

You looked at Duff hesitantly, but he nodded, reassuring you, making you walk behind the brunette until you were inside a fancy office, filled with wooden shelves and expensive furniture. 

Izzy sat behind the desk, making a gesture for you to sit in front of him.

You eyed each other for a few seconds, in an awkward way before Izzy spoke up.

“What is it that you’re curious about?” 

You took a moment to reply as his accent hit your ears. "I don't know…"

"You don't know?" He raised one eyebrow.

“What am I?”

“You’re a vampire.”

“Yeah, but Duff said that I wasn’t- he said I was a human before.”

“All of us were, until we transitioned.”

“Transitioned?”

“It’s what we call it. A vampire transformed you.” 

“How does it happen?”

He leaned against his chair, taking a long breath before replying. “They give you their blood, which is poisonous to a human, as soon as it touches your stomach, you die. After a few hours you wake up, and you’re no longer a human.”

“Why me?”

“I don’t know, the only one who can answer that, is who transformed you.”

There was a pause before you spoke up again.

"Why can I remember random things, but not my birthday?"

He shrugged. "No-one knows, it's just how it is."

You looked at one of the walls, observing a big old map on it, the once white paper was now in a dark shade of beige. “So it is like in those movies?”

“Pretty much.”

“Will I shine in the sun?”

He chuckled lowly, “No. You’ll most probably burn.”

You looked back at him, widening your eyes. “Like, catching on fire?”

“No," He chuckled again. "More like going to the beach on a very sunny day without sunscreen. Of course, if you stay underneath it for too long your skin will start to look like barbecue and it won't be a pleasant feeling… but, on a cloudy day, sunscreen and hats do the job for you.”

“What about sunny days?”

“Forget about those. We usually isolate during summer, just going out during the nights.”

“So I- I really am a monster?”

“A monster, a god, a beast… there are many definitions, depending on the culture, but we usually go by vampires.”

You took in a long breath. “So my heart stopped beating?” You touched your chest.

“Of course not, nothing survives without a beating heart." He smiled, trying not to laugh again. "It's just beating slower… if we stay silent and you pay attention, you'll hear it”

“That- that’s a lot of information.” You gulped.

“Yeah, but it’s better for you to learn it in the beginning.”

He crossed his own fingers, eyeing you.

“Why do we drink blood?”

“Why do cows eat grass? Why does a wolf eat the sheep?... It's the food chain ... we are predators." 

You looked at his Persian rug for a while before coming up with another question.

“Do we still eat normal food?"

“We don’t actually need food anymore, but food gives your body energy and we can make good use of that.”

“So you guys still eat?”

“Sometimes… the same goes for drinking anything.”

“We don’t need water anymore?”

“Technically, no. But if you spend too much time without drinking it you’ll look like a raisin.” He smiled faintly.

She nodded slowly. “Garlic?”

“That’s bullshit, you can eat garlic if you want.”

“Crosses?”

“Another lie. Some of us are still religious, so no, crosses don’t do anything to us.”

“Who was the first?”

“No one knows… There are many legends and stories, but nobody knows exactly.”

“Legends like Dracula? Do you think he was the first one?”

Izzy chuckled at you. “Axl is older than Dracula, so no, I don’t think he was.”

“He is… older than Dracula? That ginger?” You pointed towards the living room with your thumb.

“I am!” You heard his voice coming from there.

“As you probably noticed, we don’t age.” He got a cigarette from his vintage cigarette box on top of his table, lighting it.

“And what is this? Is it like a fraternity, or something?”

He shrugged again. “There isn’t a correct definition for the collective of vampires, we usually call them clans.”

“Are there too many clans?”

He looked at you for a second, and you could tell that he was annoyed by the number of questions you had. But he answered anyway.

“Not really… Vampires aren’t the most sociable species, we hardly hang around each other."

“And why do you guys do?”

He shrugged, blowing out some smoke.

“What should I do now?”

“You need to wait.” He placed the remains of his cigarette on his ashtray. “As soon as your human blood is replaced by the vampire, you’ll remember your personal information and will start to have full access to your new abilities.”

You nodded, fixing your eyes on a black-covered book on his desk.

“Where will I stay?” Your posture changing with discomfort.

“You can stay here until you remember everything, then you’ll have to leave.”

“But what will I do alone?” You bit your bottom lip, trying not to cry for the second time that day. 

Seeing the tears forming in your eyes, he stood up. “That is not something you should be worried about now. Go upstairs and sleep for some hours, it will help with your mood swings.” 

“So we can sleep?” You got up, walking past the door.

He didn’t answer, stopping by the door and looking up. “Slash, can you find a room for Y/N?”

The man still on top of the stairs nodded, and so you walked towards him, following him down the corridor.

“Here, this room ain’t taken.” He opened a door to his left.

“Thank you.” You entered. 

“If you need anything, just say it, we can hear you easily.”

You nodded and he closed the door behind him, leaving you alone in the room. Your mind racing and aching with all the information you had gathered.

Loneliness and sadness soon hitting you like a train. You removed your shoe, laying on the bed and closing your eyes as silent tears left them.

You hated not knowing what was happening, or more precisely, what had happened, and even if you tried to remain calm, you couldn't help the frustration that started to build up in your chest.

So you laid on your side, squeezing your pillow closer to you as you tried to sleep, hoping that when you woke up, everything would have been just a dream.

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[pkmn-spira]

Morgan allowed them to share their moment. Separation must be something they take very seriously. As for her? Ten years ago, she was separated from her parents, having to fend for herself and survive while Anodyne Amusement Park refused to let her go for over five years, until the anomalous occurrences there finally let her go. Then she realized that her parents have went off-region to who knows where.

But alas, she doesn't care about that much anymore. Cryptid Isle had given her a 'gift', and said 'gift' made her strong. Stronger than she can dream of.

And that's what mattered. Her strength was recognized, by the League, by Team Celestial. And that recognition was enough for her.

"I see. Keeping things under wraps." Morgan nodded. "Our current Champion would share the same sentiment with you two. See, nobody in the region even knows of the Champion's identity. They don't even know if they're a he or a she."

She explained. "Events with a previous organization, Team Andromeda, scarred the Champion, who was still a Pokémon Trainer challenging the League at that time who got wound up with the organization's business. Tried to be a hero and all, and they did, but the costs were great. So they decided to prefer anonymity over fame. Fame attracts enemies. Exposes one's weaknesses. The Champion knew and learned that from Team Andromeda."

"Of course, we of the Spiran League know of their identity, but we don't divulge on it for good reason." Made sense too. "As for public appearances? The current Champion appears to the public, but on a hooded mask."

Ah, she prattled on again.

"As for what Ashe said, Spira was indeed cut off from the other regions due to an isolation policy two years ago. Though recently, that same policy has now been lifted, though it will take a while before other people from other regions would start truly flocking the place en masse."

Though the mention of 'timeline' had picked her interest.

She heard of certain theories of some people of Spira in the past, that this reality is but one of different possible realities. Of course, some believe it to be the ravings of a madman. But then again, The Primordial One works in so many ways some would consider to be unnatural, so Morgan believes in such possibility.

And this just confirms it.

"A moment." A pause, as she snapped her fingers, in which that beckoned Asrai to stop the assault on the now motionless SYM-01, with Morgan now returning her to her Pokeball.

"I do agree that its better to move in groups." She nodded. "And having someone who has the knowledge of the land is a major boon, too. So very well, I accept."

Of course she had to bring it up too. "There may be times however, that I won't be available. League activities and all, but I would let you guys know in advance."

And now, the sound of rustling and wood growing and snapping can be heard.

"Seems that we've overstayed our welcome. The damage the fight had caused certainly angered the forest after all."

"That being said, shall we leave? We can head for Adamantine Town after leaving Fae Deepwoods and traversing Blackout Cave. Though alternatively, I can have my Gardevoir teleport all of us to Adamantine Town right off the bat instead. It'll wind her out a bit, having to teleport multiple individuals at once, but she'll manage."

"So, what say you, esteemed guests of Spira?"

-- RP: @pkmn-spira

pkmn-spira:

Interesting... Truly interesting! The mere fact that they can read each other on what they'd eventually do next was a great indicator of mutual trust. Of something they have already done before. A dance that these two had participated together time and time again. It certainly reminded her of certain twins she know of. Or hell, even the current Champion of Spira alongside Argentum City's current Gym Leader. A combination attack, it'd seem, turning Sparkling Aria into a full fledged beam instead of just an orb of condensed water. Now, even if that was a thing in Spira, Morgan appreciates the novelty, as only those who think outside of the box do tend to come up with this. The attack struck true, the SYM Asset made only for excavation purposes taking the full brunt of that strike, the weight of the combined attacks forcing the rest of its body, which resembled that of a large worm's, off the ground, all while it squirmed around. Filter was good to help it survive, yes. But at the same time it also prolonged its suffering. SYM Assets are powerful, yes. But SYM-01 is not really meant for battle, see, and while it can hold its own on most Trainers, Champion level Trainers are too much for it. Though, this combat data would... prove hefty useful for the improvement of the remaining SYM Assets.

"I can feel it... Its thirteenth hour is here." Morgan stated. "Asrai. You can Play Rough, now." Hence, the Azumarill would be adorned with an elated expression, almost as if it wanted to let loose for once, its body now imbued with the ever present energies in Fae Deepwoods, thus further strengthening Play Rough. As it charged right to the SYM Asset, it would also boost itself further, via Aqua Jet. Upon crashing down onto SYM-01, it began to unleash a flurry of no-holds barred strikes. A beatdown that can be easily audibly heard, too. "That should do it." Morgan said, turning around as she faced and approached the husband and wife.

"You didn't tell me that your husband was quite the big shot, Ashe." Morgan spoke as her Azumarill still was beating up the now motionless body of the SYM Asset. Not that its ignoring what Morgan said of that being enough to do SYM-01 in, but rather Morgan's letting it have its fun. Pokémon from Cryptid Isle tend to have... certain tendencies, after all.

Moves were exchanged and as it finally came to an end, Ashe and Leon were pulled from their reverie of the battle, but their synergy remained. Recalling their pokemon, Ashe hurried to her husband who accepted her fully into his embrace, holding her tight. "Sorry i'm late, love." "It's alright. You're alive and not lost, that's what matters." Something is said in Fae before they pull apart, touching foreheads for a moment. Her hand lingering in his, Ashe waits a moment to respond to Morgan as Lucky brings down each barrier and Kumiko approaches with Willow, the girl immediately shifting into her father's arms while Ashe finally addresses their, well, savior at this point for reuniting the family.

"Normally I don't tell people." Ashe admits. "Where we're from, it would cause people to be all over my family's home let alone his. It's better to live in secret." That being said, Leon took a moment to thank the woman himself; "I take it you found them? Thank you for doing so." Shifting his daughter, the girl who looked so much like Leon minus her eyes who mirrored her mother's finally looked Morgan in the eye. She didn't like this woman for some reason and she didn't know why. It was rude to stare her parents told her and let alone not give a person a chance, but her small features should have been able to tell Morgan she didn't trust her, let alone like her.

Something was off even if Willow didn't understand why.

"... So this is the Spira region." Ashe cut in. "From what I can tell, according to the Elite Four, Morgan, here, it seems to be cut off from any known open region." She folds her arms then. "There's dense fae energy here but I... honestly don't think we're in our own timeline, babe." Ashe admits with a sigh. Leon can only smile sheepishly. "Which means we're the prank of yet another time distortion, or a Hoopa."

"Honestly, should we be surprised?" Ashe had a deadpanned expression in answering her husband, now turning to Morgan. "I may be able to find us a way home, but I admit I am curious about this region... with your permission as an Elite Four, could we possibly shadow you to see more of this place?" She noted Willow's unbending stare as Lucky came to stand between Ashe and Leon. "... I'd like my daughter to experience new things, but from seeing this giant specimen here... it's better to move in groups... perhaps."

[mcnultied]

■ Matthew McNulty, 38, on catching Covid while filming Domina in Italy, stripping off for Running Naked, and apparently picking his own damn accent at age 10

(Interview behind cut, originally posted in Metro News, interviewed by Sue Crawford)

Your new film is called Running Naked — did you?

Yes! It was in an area of the hospital we had full control over, so it wasn’t too embarrassing, and we filmed in the summer so we weren’t too cold. It was liberating and nerve-wracking at the same time.

It’s been described as a film that will make you laugh and cry…

There are sad moments but it’s uplifting more than anything else. It’s about two cancer survivors, Mark and Ben [played by Andrew Gower], who are friends from being teenagers. The title comes from the fact that when they were younger they streaked through the hospital naked. It’s also a metaphor for being free — running without the things that weigh you down.

Does it have a happy ending?

I play Mark, who’s now a doctor, while Ben is in a dead-end job and has obsessive tendencies. Ben is afraid of hospitals so Mark takes the blood into hospital for him when they have their annual check-ups. The cancer comes back for one of them. It’s a changing point in the film. They’ve both lost their way and this diagnosis jolts them back to life.

Have you lost work due to the pandemic?

I was filming in Italy for Sky drama Domina when it first burst on to the scene. The job got cancelled. We’d shot half of it and we managed to go back last year to shoot the rest so I’ve been lucky. However, at the end of the job I tested positive for Covid, so I had to isolate in Italy for nearly three weeks. I wasn’t majorly ill, I just felt rundown.

At least you could tuck into some lovely Italian grub…

The production team got me some shopping but they sent so much pasta. I know I was in Italy but there’s only so much you can do with pasta and tins of chopped tomatoes and tuna! I ate it for ages and then got very well acquainted with Deliveroo. It cost me quite a bit but there was more variety.

What was your first TV job?

I was on Corrie. I don’t think my character had a name, just Local Scally. It was with Bruce Jones, who played Les Battersby. Les was doing community service, and me and this other lad threw stones at him from an island. He rowed over to the island to get us and we nicked his boat. It was quite a funny storyline. Even though it was literally only one episode, people remember it.

Have you ever been starstruck?

When I was in Return To Cranford I worked with Judi Dench. It was early in my career and my mother-in-law told me Judi had lived in the town next to us and that her father was a doctor. She said I’d got to ask her about it so I felt I had to. One day there was just her and me together and I blurted it out. She smiled and said, ‘Sorry?’ She hadn’t a clue what I was talking about — she’d never lived there. Afterwards I was like, I could have had a proper conversation with Judi Dench but I wasted it!

Why did you pick Matthew as your stage name?

For the simplest reason, it’s two syllables and it begins with M. I didn’t want to change my name but there was already another Michael McNulty registered with Equity. As much as I was tempted to think of a cool name, I knew it wouldn’t be cool 20 years later.

You were born in Germany so how come you have such a strong Manchester accent?

My dad was in the army so I lived in Germany until I was ten. I adopted this accent when we moved to Wigan because everyone went, ‘God, you’re well posh, you!’ I didn’t fancy a Wigan accent, it was the 1990s and Manchester was cool, so I chose a Manchester one.

Do you find accents easy for different roles?

I was always good at copying them — I guess it is part of the reason I became an actor. I did a north-east accent for The Paradise and a Cornish accent for Jamaica Inn. Even if the script doesn’t ask for a particular area, I tend to try to take it away from my own accent.

Would you like to make it big in the United States?

I’ve done one job in America. My character was a sheriff and when they saw me they decided to make me a deputy because I was so young and skinny. They said, ‘Oh right, we’ll have to rewrite it because you don’t look as authoritative as you do on your self-tape.’

What do you enjoy away from work?

I read children’s stories. My wife used to have a social inclusion company. I’d go round schools and read stories and then I started putting them on YouTube. Literacy and stories are important to me. People like me, from the school I went to, don’t really get encouraged to be artistic or to tell stories. The channel is called Books Alive! I’ve got 50 stories on there.

[mostlycompetentwriter]

You Can STAY - Part 12

Pairing: Y/N x Felix (Side Pairing: Y/N x Stray Kids)

Genre: Fantasy AU; OT8; Scarlet Heart AU

Warnings: Lots of Angst; Major Character Death

A/N: This is the final part of You Can STAY. I have determined that I am very bad at writing series, and I apologize for the ending...I imagine that many of you will express mixed emotions.

However, there is a epilogue coming soon in the future! And I will, of course, add all of the parts together into one easily accessible story for future readers!

Nine Months Later

If I were to tell the end of my story, I would want it to go something like this: “At the edge of the Kingdom, secluded in the northernmost woods, a former Castle Mage lived with her husband and unborn son, dreaming about the King who stole her heart.”

I don’t like sad endings, but sometimes there are sacrifices whose consequences are too grave to ignore. While Felix ruled the Kingdom exactly as I had once urged him, I did my part by spending long hours tucked away inside a little cabin as my stomach grew rounder and the days grew shorter.

Jisung was good company, when he was around. In between his visits, he worked on the margins, watching over Felix and working with Chan to secure our borders and alliances. He was still very much ostracized from political life, and Felix, to my knowledge, had never forgave his brothers for their part in the rebellion that changed the Kingdom. 

“I can deal with his wrath,” Jisung told me one morning. “I’m perfectly content.”

I managed a smile in return, but it was half-hearted. I knew that Jisung was referring to our marriage, one that only existed on paper, so that he could support me in isolation. He was more than content to live with me and provide anything that my heart desired.

But my heart’s most fervent wish lived in the Castle beyond the horizon, and I could easily glimpse the tops of the tallest towers, wondering if Felix ever looked out from the balcony and thought of the woman he once loved.

Of course he does, a voice at the back of my head reminded me.

“Hyunjin tells me that Felix speaks of you often,” Jisung added, even though it didn’t do much to assuage my guilt. 

Thankfully, Felix had accepted Hyunjin back into the Castle as a personal advisor, likely because Hyunjin had nothing to do with Jisung, Jeongin, and Chan’s plan to overtake the Kingdom and dispose Changbin.

It seemed like a distant memory, and I sighed at the nostalgia of those memories: occasions where I walked through the hallways of the Castle, exploring the gardens and distant grounds, thinking of the day when Felix and I would finally both be free to love without constraint.

It belongs in that past, those sort of thoughts, and I had long ago given up on the prospect of a complete family where I could simply exist as someone who wanted to love and be loved.

Of course, there was also the issue of my health.

Despite early good reports on my pregnancy, our doctor had recently decided that my prognosis wasn’t as easy as he had initially perceived: “You might have difficulties,” he told me. “During the birth.”

“Oh,” was all I could manage, and I barely felt Jisung squeezing my hand as everything changed in a single moment. 

One day, along the bright edges of the morning, Hyunjin came to visit.

“You look well,” he told me, accepting a drink from Jisung who then came to sit next to me.

“I feel good,” I said, even though there was still a prickling of doubt at the furthest reaches of my subconscious - a reminder that my future was suddenly difficult to presume.

“I’m glad,” Hyunjin replied sincerely, and he turned his attention to Jisung. “I just got back from a meeting with a Southern convoy. Things are turning around.”

“Good,” Jisung said, reaching out to take my hand. “We were worried for a while.”

I forced a smile, barely listening as they continued talking, discussing the same politics that I could barely stand since they had cost me everything. 

“Where are you going this weekend?” Jisung asked, and I was faintly aware of Hyunjin’s response, but more than anything, my attention was suddenly preoccupied with a sharp pain in my abdomen.

I winced immediately, and Jisung noticed my discomfort, falling down onto his knees in front of me. “Y/N?” he asked, tone hesitant.

“Hurts,” I managed, and I could see Hyunjin getting up from the corner of my eye.

“Do you need the doctor?” Jisung asked, and I managed a nod, keeling over when it felt like a thousand knives were piercing me all at once. 

“I’ll go,” Hyunjin volunteered, but his voice sounded distant, like I had abruptly been submerged beneath the water, struggling to hear.

“Y/N!” Jisung repeated, and his eyes were frantic as they found mine. “You’ll stay with me, right?”

I tried to say something, but there was a peculiar pull to the dark that was far more compelling, and I fell under its spell while Jisung became nothing more than a distant shadow.

When I woke back up again, the shapes and figures surrounding me were difficult to discern.

My stomach rolled and my skin felt like it burning! I groaned at the discomfort, attracting the attention of the two men standing at the door. “Y/N,” Jisung’s familiar voice spoke through the reverie, and he was at my side within moments, taking my hand in his own. 

“Hello again, dear,” another voice said, and I recognized the doctor as he released a tired sigh. “Seems like we’re at a difficult point.”

I nodded, opening my mouth to speak, but ultimately deciding to remain silent. “I’m so sorry, Y/N,” Jisung whispered to me, and my heart ached at the pain in his eyes. “Do you feel like seeing a visitor?”

Not really, but I agreed nonetheless, expecting Hyunjin to enter the room. But nothing could’ve prepared me for the sight of a familiar mess of red hair and bright green eyes. “Y/N.”

“Felix,” I said, voice hoarse and gravelly, but there were tears falling even without my awareness, and I quickly noticed that Jisung and the doctor had vacated the room.

It was a little awkward though, after all this time, looking back at Felix as he looked back at me, gaze heavy with something striking. “Y/N,” he whispered, and I was shocked to see him breakdown, making it to my bedside before falling onto the edge of the mattress. 

“Are you okay?” I asked, instinctively, reaching out without hesitation to card my fingers through his hair.

He sniffled in response, looking up at me with tear-streaked eyes and a beautiful smile. “I am now.”

My heart stuttered at his sentiment, and I wanted nothing more than to curl myself into Felix and lose myself there in his embrace. “I missed you,” I whimpered. 

“I know, love,” Felix said, and he pressed a kiss to the back of my hand. 

“I’m sorry I left,” I whispered - as if it were an afterthought.

“I understand,” he replied, looking at me to expose the truth - he was aware, despite what I had burdened myself with believing. He knew why I had to leave, and there was nothing but peace left between us.

Peace and Love.

“At first, I was angry and confused,” Felix said. “But I read your letter, and I had Hyunjin to help guide me. He helped me realize that you left so that I could fulfill the destiny I had been denied as a child. It was painful without you, but our circumstances were far from trivial.”

“Yes,” I exhaled, tightening my grip on him. “I never wanted to leave.”

“It’s okay,” Felix reassured me, and his eyes were soft as they paused on my lips. “We’ve always been tethered at the soul. Together, even if it couldn’t be in the way we truly desired.”

He kissed me then, igniting a furious passion that had laid dormant inside of me for months. “It’s yours, you know,” I said, pulling back to graze the pretty line of his lashes. “The child is ours.”

Felix inhaled abruptly, looking down at my swollen stomach. “Truly? Hyunjin said that you were pregnant, but I didn’t want to assume-”

“It could’ve never belonged to anyone else,” I interrupted him. “It’s always been you.”

Felix nodded, allowing one hand to smooth down over the sheets, following the outline of my stomach. “This is more than I could ever ask for.”

I smiled at his pretty words, but then I felt a cold sweat break out against the back of my neck. “Felix,” I said. “The doctor told me that the pregnancy might bring some complications.”

He shivered, and I was surprised by the unfiltered grief written across his expression. “I know that too.”

“If I don’t survive-”

“If,” Felix growled, emphasizing that nothing could ever be certain.

“If,” I agreed. “I want you to raise our child. He deserves to be with his father.”

Felix visibly swallowed, looking away as if having trouble completing such a promise, but I forced him to look at me again. “Alright,” he eventually conceded. “If such things manifest.”

“And you need to forgive your brothers,” I said, holding him at attention in case he tried to move away again. “After all this time...”

“Y/N,” Felix sighed. “Why does this sound like a goodbye?”

I held my tongue, glancing down at our intertwined hands. “Think of it as a start to the next chapter.”

Felix chuckled, affectionate gaze meeting mine. “I’ll be here until it’s over. When you can rest for as long as you want.” 

“Thank you,” I said. “And you will always have me. In one way or another.”

“I can rest easy,” Felix said, and he started murmuring something soft and sweet to the unborn child inside of me, and I found myself able to breathe a lit bit easier for the first time in months.

I even managed a smile, knowing that I could still give Felix a piece of me after I was gone. Unlike our complicated time together at the Castle, our unborn son would be free of those heavy restrictions, and perhaps it was the better outcome. Because, when I really thought about it, our son wouldn’t just be a piece of me. It would be a little part of Felix as well, and I felt nothing short of triumphant when I imagined a world with the right combination of Y/N and Felix. Together at long last. 

Victorious until the bittersweet end.