#(this book is very validating. it puts into words several things i've been feeling)

[serenpedac]

Similar observations have probably been made before about A & N, but I wanted to write this down anyway.

To start off this year, I'm reading The Other Significant Others by Rhaina Cohen. The book has a section on historical same-sex friendships that reminded me very much of A & N. These quotes in particular:

Men in the eighteenth through early twentieth centuries had same-sex friendships that---in one historian's words---"verged on romance."

And:

Not only were forms of affection out in the open; the emotional intensity and physicality that we now associate almost exclusively with romantic relationships was then a hallmark of friendship.

There's also a part about how students at women's colleges would basically woo each other if someone caught their eye, sending notes and gifts, "until [...] the two become inseparable."*

Thinking about A and N, who have lived through these periods, it's easy to see the signs of this kind of relationship in the way they interact with each other: all those touches between them, how they know each other so well they can hold entire conversations by exchanging a single look, how comfortable they are with challenging each other when they disagree (there's a lot of trust involved in being able to disagree like they do at times, I think) etc.

Their relationship blurs the lines between different forms of relationships (platonic, romantic), because their existence spans across centuries, all with their own views on and customs regarding those various relationships.

*Considering the history of erasing queer relationships, I think it's important to note that some of these relationships were sexual, but, as mentioned in the book, we shouldn't overcompensate and assume that all of them were.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

One of your posts popped out on my feed, and I've spent a couple hours now scrolling through your page here and there, and I have some thoughts.

First of all, I can tell that you put so much effort into each post you write, and I commend you for that! It's so cool!

Secondly, this going to be super long, I started writing and the words kept flowing, sorry! Feel free to ignore if it's too much. English is not my first language (Japanese & Korean are), so I apologize for any mistakes!

Please, don't take the following as an attack on you, I just want to state my observations, you aren't obliged to reply, and I tried to be as respectful as possible.

I recall you mentioning in one post that you try to be as 'objective' as possible when you answer questions and write posts, but personally, when it comes to a certain character, you are anything but.

And that character is Malleus.

I'm not even a fan of him, I'm pretty neutral, I think he has so much potential to be an interesting character, but he has been consistently done dirty by the writers, especially in his own book, and this seems to be the general consensus among people who aren't hardcore fans of his, and you seem to be to one of them.

Each time you mention Malleus in one of your posts (posts that pertain to other characters, and have almost little/nothing to do with him) I could tell that something was 'off', from the very first moment, I could tell that you viewed him negatively. I can tell you try to word things as neutrally as you can, but your dislike of him just oozes through, I guess. Lmao.

And lo & behold! I saw a post where you mentioned that you DO dislike him, and I was 'Yeah, I could tell'. I have no problem with people disliking him, as I said, I'm neutral, and people are entitled to their opinions.

But then you mentioned that you try to be objective whenever you answer questions, and I was like 'What? So that was you being objective?!' And then you said Leona was one of your faves...and yeah, you don't say! (Leona is my top 4 favorite, BTW)

There's you very SEVERELY minimizing his popularity in Japan. From my observations, it seems Malleus is the most popular character overseas & the most well-liked in general. Here in Japan, he isn't the first, but he is definitely one of the most popular, the only ones I'd pit above him are: Octavinelle, Idia, Skully, Leona. He ranks fairly high in polls & is spoken about very fondly, and is rarely criticized. You bringing up the topic of popularity just seems like a way for you to 'justify' & 'validate' your dislike of him, when he's universally loved. People like you & me (people who are neutral on him or dislike him) are pretty rare, whether it's in Japan or overseas. No matter how much you try to spin it, the tastes of fans across the two servers are very close, for example: Jack, Ortho, Grim, Epel, and Crowley are unpopular amongst both fandoms, Vil & the Scarabia duo are decently popular amongst both fandoms. Malleus has been steadily growing in popularity with the releases of Book 7, and I expect him to really raise in the ranks.

It's very obvious you hate Malleus, and your takes on him are fuelled by that hate, especially some of your takes on the ending of Book 7. You don't give him any grace, you are ESPECIALLY hard on him compared to the other characters, and frankly, you demand too much from him, as a person and as a character.

Even when the writers themselves made sure to let it be known that no injuries were caused, no lasting damage (which I personally thought was pretty obvious, but figured the writers had to get that one out for people like you, who convinced themselves he was more dangerous than he was) you still insist on it being false.

Out of all the other overblotters, Malleus had the most severe consequences, both physically (as he's now handicapped) and mentally (just because Lilia is now alive doesn't change that Malleus KILLED HIM, which is pretty different than Idia's situation, and bound to leave some PTSD). Leona caused way more injuries and girth way more people, even tried to kill Ruggie, and he didn't even have the excuse of being in a state of overblot, he did all that fully conscious, fully aware. He intentionally hurt people, but he's instantly forgiven & immediately he's back to his normal everyday life, forgiven. In contrast, Malleus hurt no one (except Lilia), never intended to harm (and intent DOES matter), all of this makes paints him in more favorable light compared to Leona (and Vil, who also tried to murder someone intentionally before he overblotted) It just seems like you WANT the narrative to justify your hatred of Malleus, you intentionally try to interpret & look at him and his actions from the worst perspective possible, in the most contrived way.

Even when most of the supposed 'victims' themselves have made an entire club based on how happy the dream world made them (which was Malleus's intention all along), and how much they miss it (in a scene presented as a comedic moment, intended to hammer the fact that Malleus truly hurt no one) you twist the scene into it being 'cult-like'?

The narrative isn't bending over backwards to make the situation seem more lighthearted than it was, it isn't retconning anything, the narrative is simply confirming what has already been implied (and what I thought was plainly obvious) for the sake of making things clear for people who would insist that the situation was worse than it was.

Why the surprise over no one being injured? Malleus has simply put people into sleep! Why would they be injured? They aren't in distress, and are content in their dreamworld. The only danger has always been it eventually taking over the world, and the people atrophying without the sustenance.

Why the surprise that he was allowed back in school? Why would the others be given a second chance & not Malleus? Even Crowley points that blatant hypocrisy out. If everyone turned out healthy & sound after the ordeal, all the damage has been repaired, & sincere apologies & compensations were provided, & there no long-lasting damage, then why should Malleus keep suffering?

Why the surprise that the students immediately forgave him? Physically no-one was harmed. Emotionally he didn't intend to hurt them, and the vast majority of them were happy in the dreamworld. Silver explained to them why Malleus did what he did, and they were all smart enough to understand his motives & intent, and wanted to stop him. The main characters got their lickback & the anger out of their systems by fighting him & weakening him, so they don't have a reason to be angry anymore. A running theme has always been NRC students being extraordinary difficult, they're all aware of it, and if anything, thsy find it amusing.

Twisted Wonderland has always been about second chances, learning from one's mistakes, applying the lesson one learned, and doing better. All the other students were given a second chance and proved themselves, why do you so vehemently abhor that for Malleus?

Malleus was misguided, but his actions were not out of malice (like Leona, Vil, Azul, Riddle), they were out of love & genuine desire to help people, and since he's a child who's never been taught proper emotional regulation and social behavior, he went about it in the most childish & simple way possible.

It just seems like you WANT Malleus to be punished, you want him to suffer. Him being maimed & handicapped for centuries isn't enough, you want more punishment for him. Him living in isolation & loneliness for almost 200 years, and being feared & avoided by his peers isn't enough, you also want him to be hated by them & isolated even more severely than before, you want him to be labelled a monster. Him having to live with the fact he killed his father isn't enough, you also want his father to have stayed dead, and for Malleus to wallow in his grief, pain, self-hatred for eternity (which includes a forever broken & unrepairable relationship with the only other 2 people who loved him).

And don't even get me started with you implying he hasn't shown enough guilt, because when has Leona? When has Azul?

It seems you don't Malleus to get a second chance, you don't want him learning from his mistakes & given a chance to do better, you don't want fairness, you just want him punished, hurt, and suffering.

I probably wouldn't have had much of an issue had you not stated your goal of being 'objective'. It's obvious you want & expect the worst out of him.

ご質問ありがとうございます！ 最初は丁寧にご意見を述べてくださいましたが、途中で感情的になってしまったのでしょうか。 誤解を与えてしまったようで、この回答で説明いたします。

From my understanding, you seem to take issue with my usage of a particular word, "objective". I'm not sure which posts you happened to see (as there are admittedly a lot of them on this blog), but assuming that this was one of the #feedback for the writing raven posts, it's not a claim I make very often. It's typically something I hear from readers, such as in this post, this post, and this post, which are all examples from the last year. In the final example I linked, I do mention my goal in being objective, but I also state that 1) it's impossible to eliminate all bias and 2) there's a difference between minimizing my bias for the sake of analysis and allowing myself to freely criticize a character or writing based on my opinions. I will never be 100% free of bias, especially on posts where I am sharing my opinion. I don't claim to be perfectly objective in all instances, I just try to give every character a chance since they all have the potential to evolve, especially in a live service game like Twst. Some of the characters I love today are ones I loathed at launch (ie Leona), and some of the characters that are my most loathed today are the ones I loved at launch (ie Azul). By that logic, there's no reason why Malleus can't have a similar shift.

Again, I don't know what posts you looked at to form your view of how I see Malleus--but honestly, I guess I'm just confused as to how you reached the conclusion that you did. At this point, I don't think it's a secret that I dislike him (I sometimes bring it up to give context to what I'm about to say), but I also don't think I've ever expressed outright hatred. Hatred implies an unwillingness to see his positive traits and potential for growth, and I don't think that describes how I discuss him at all (a sentiment which I believe is shared by my readers). I do sound exasperated in some critique, yes, but it doesn't come from a place of malice. I don't think there's a purpose in getting needlessly mad about a fictional character. Malleus Draconia doesn't exist and doesn't impact my life outside of the moments when I engage with fandom.

My exasperation with him comes from a place of... I guess you'd call it disappointment??? Like, he has potential to be an interesting character, but the writing that's currently there (in my opinion) doesn't support him very well and keeps squandering that potential. I want him to be better and develop as a character (as I feel he has various flaws that aren't properly addressed), but I keep being let down time and time again. It leads to me sometimes sounding frustrated when I speak about him, because it feels like the narrative is holding his character hostage until maybe post-book 7. This is especially the case because Malleus's writing has this consistent issue where he is granted opportunities to learn and grow (and even social support from Lilia and other peers), but ultimately doesn't. This isn't true for other characters, who are given moments of character development in vignettes or event stories, even if in just small ways like Idia pushing himself to drum in public or Deuce doing his best to be an honors student.

I'm not sure where the claim that I "severely minimize" his popularity in Japan comes from?? If I mention popularity at all, it's usually to compare between EN and JP. In EN polls, Malleus consistently places #1, but doesn't reach those same heights in JP. The highest placement I've seen for Malleus in JP polls is around 7th place (which is still quite commendable!). This is also the case when you consider that Malleus x Yuu is the most popular self-insert category on AO3 (largely EN), but only has a fraction of the posts as the most popular yume'd character, Floyd, on Pixiv (largely JP). His spike in popularity is also more of a recent phenomenon, I believe coinciding with book 7 which fleshes out his character a lot more. Coincidentally, this also seems to have boosted his yumejoshi ranking in JP, as he appeared in the 2024 and 2023 lists (book 7 was actively releasing in these years). I even mentioned Malleus's bump in popularity in recent posts, such as here and here.

I'm by no means downplaying Malleus's popularity, and I never claimed that the tastes of JP and non-JP fans are vastly different 💦 I only comment on major differences I noticed, such as how Trey is much more popular to yume in the JP fandom than he is in the EN fandom. I make note of things like this because I find it interesting that we can all be fans of the same content, but also interpret that content in vastly different ways. I don't do it to "justify and validate" my own feelings about Malleus. (This also applies to the claim that I want canon to "justify and validate" me; I don't, I'm perfectly content with my own views and think it would be boring if canon always agreed with me.) I have expressed time and time again that I do not care how other people choose to engage with their media; that's their business, not mine, and to encroach on that or to disrupt the fun that someone else is having would be extremely invasive and rude. There's nothing to be gained in trying to get "justification and validation" from external sources, whether that's canon or what other fans think, because it's always going to be a fruitless effort if there's no internal satisfaction, but that's a whole separate can of worms.

Regarding the ending of book 7, I'm going to take a shot in the dark and guess that you may be sourcing many of my opinions of it from this summary post. As I mention in the opening disclaimer, everything contained in that post are my initial thoughts on the events that unfold. They in no way reflect all of my thoughts, just the very emotional and on-the-spot reactions I had directly after reading the last bits. I think you may be conflating my recent critique of book 7 with hating Malleus?? I have said that I think breaking his horn was extreme and that I sympathize with him for that; there were other ways to power cap him without having to do something that drastic. I never denied that Malleus might be harboring complicated feelings after killing Lilia (I actually acknowledge it as a possibility), but the writing of book 7 certainly fails to communicate this to us. (It's also something past OBs like Riddle, Leona, and Vil, fail to express, so this may just be a quirk of Twst writing.) As I said before, many other characters were let off with a slap on the wrist and not made to fully account for what they did, and I'm not necessarily satisfied with those either.

When I say "intent doesn't matter", it's only in relation to the results. Saying "I did not mean to harm you" does not negate any harm caused. You still have some degree of responsibility for it (albeit, in a court of law you might get a lighter sentence, but technicalities). If Kalim accidentally insults Riddle's lack of physical stamina, it... doesn't negate that Riddle feels insulted by it, even if Kalim didn't mean to. If we're going to say "intent does matter", then are we willing to apply it to all other situations, not just Malleus's? Mrs. Rosehearts did not mean to traumatize her child. The Briar Valley senators did not mean to isolate Malleus by blessing him with tons of magical power. Are we willing to extend them the same courtesy of "having good intentions", even if those "good intentions" led to harming others in the process? I don't think it's fair to say this of Malleus but then not do the same for other characters.

A large part of book 7 has been dedicated to those in S.T.Y.X. emphasizing the danger Malleus's magic poses to the rest of the world. The narrative has brought up the potential of the dreamers' physical bodies wasting away from lack of sustenance at least twice. Malleus's grandmother (a mage previously described to be even more powerful than her grandson) cannot pierce his barrier. They stress that his barrier will continue to grow, unburdened, and that he has an endless magic source to draw from. Malleus is trying to attack those who get in his way (including Ortho, Silver, and Sebek with killing intent). I don't think I would be incorrect to believe the characters when they say that this is a genuinely dangerous situation. It just feels tonally dissonant to me when a lot of book 7 was building up this danger, but then the ending doesn't really match what they were building up to.

And to be clear, the other OBs also get off easy. Like, it cannot be the case that all Scarabia students suddenly trust Jamil again after book 4, or that all NRC students feel comfortable dining at the Mostro Lounge again after book 3. However, the difference here, again, is scale. It's more believable when the numbers are small, like a few hundred students. It's less so when you pump it up to several thousand people and entire nations. The larger the number we're dealing with, the more likely there would be a non-zero chance that something would go haywire. This is why I also heavily criticize how Fellow Honest was treated at the end of his event; the crime ring he was associated with surely operated on a scale grander than just the NRC student kidnappings, yet we never touched upon this further.

The "cult" comment is something I made off-the-cuff, and was partially informed by the fact that a character (I believe Ace?) called the Fairy Dream Life Association members "Draconians". That's the same term that is used to refer to die-hard Malleus fans in Diasomnia--those same die-hard fans, who will ardently and blindly support Malleus in everything he says and does. I seem to recall one instance in the first Halloween event in which Sebek leads a group of Draconians to support Malleus in attacking Magicam Monsters; Silver and Lilia had to prevent that from happening. That reads to me like a cult of personality around Malleus. If you happen to disagree with me, that's fine--but there is no need to attack different interpretations.

I want to make it clear that I'm in disbelief at the lack of consequences not because it is Malleus causing them, but because the scale was so enormous. (The other OBs already faced such limited fallout for their own actions. Had they also reached the same scale as Malleus did, I'd still be shocked at how it was all hand-waved off.) It reads as unrealistic when the ending only focuses on the good or only vaguely covers the fallout. For example, other countries were put in danger. Why were we not told about their reactions to anything that happened or how they're reacting in the aftermath? Are we expected to believe that ALL countries in Twisted Wonderland accepted the apology and moved on? The 20,000 residents on Sage's island were put to sleep. Are we supposed to believe that not a SINGLE one of them had a negative experience or woke up confused or hurt from it? What about the parents and family members of those on Sage's Island? Not ONE of them was mad, not even Mrs. Rosehearts, who yelled at a kid for 5 hours for sneaking out with her child to eat a strawberry tart? To write it as though everyone reacted the exact same, convenient way cheapens the world + its people and makes it come off as paper thin. I think these are valid concerns and not convoluted nitpicks. There is natural variance in the world (it's nearly impossible to get 20,000 people to agree on anything irl, not even things you'd think are common sense), so it's very difficult for me to believe that there was NO variance at all when reacting to the aftermath of the OB incident.

I never said Malleus shouldn't be forgiven or that he shouldn't be allowed back in school (I've actually said the opposite). My issue is that there wasn't enough accountability for what he did. I don't want Malleus to be "punished more" or to "keep suffering", I want him to fully realize and own up to everything he did. The way the ending currently stands (I blame the time skips, honestly), there's not a lot that indicates to me that Malleus truly understands the full gravity of his actions. A lot of it is being assumed by the fandom, but not indicated in the story itself, which I think is a shame because it's quite limiting for his character. It feels like everything stops short, when really, it should go on for a little longer??? For example, Malleus does apologize to NRC--which is a good start! But he still didn't like... apologize to anyone else on Sage's Island that he affected with his magic?

I'm surprised that the students seemed to immediately forgive Malleus because NRC students are frequently portrayed as vindictive and petty. They get mad, pick fights, and hold grudges over the smallest things, so it's unbelievable to me that a peer would go and do something big like this and then no one in the entire population of 800 students holds even the slightest reservation about what happened?? Again, it feels like flattening the world and the people in it (by implying they'd all act the same way) for the sake of a convenient ending. On a related note, I'm not sure if I like the use of "smart enough to understand" in your wording; it's as if to imply anyone that feels differently (even though I feel there definitely would be some variance among the students) is somehow unintelligent for having their opinion 💦 By extension, it almost feels insulting to fans who also see the situation differently (although I'd like to believe that's not your intention).

I really do not like that Malleus keeps being compared to the other OB boys in these discussions. It's always framed as "Malleus is better than them!", which implies that the others are somehow "worse". It's actively putting down others' trauma in order to uplift another's. We can talk about Malleus's own background, experiences, etc. without having to minimize others' background, experiences, etc.--but I fear that's not what is happening here. Why is it okay for people to shame and dehumanize the other OBs for the extreme actions they took, but it's "too much" when the same behaviors are turned towards Malleus? None of them should be going through that to begin with, and the fact that this is happening at all seems hypocritical to me. I have always held this opinion and am equally disgusted by this being done for any OB boy, as someone inevitably comes out of it labelled "lesser" than the others. Trauma is always valid to the person that experienced it, and to compare it to other traumas can be so incredibly demoralizing and isolating. It sometimes feels like Malleus's background is being used to shield him against taking responsibility for his actions, when the same isn't applied by fans to the other OBs. Their backgrounds are meant to explain why they are the way they are and help us empathize with them, not to entirely excuse them. This was something mentioned all the way back in book 1 too; Ace accuses Riddle of always citing his mother or the rules to justify his beheadings rather than accept accountability for his own actions. Similarly, Trey us called out for pointing out Riddle's tough home life as a reason for his current leniency in suppressing his dorm leader's anger. Riddle's background explains why he acts out and is so stringent, but it doesn't mean he isn't still responsible for his own rage and his students living in fear of him. By this logic, all OB boys (Malleus included) shouldn't lean on a tragic backstory to excuse the extreme measures they took in their respective books. I'm of the belief that they should all be granted forgiveness and the chance to redeem themselves, but they should also be aware of what they previously did and accept that they were responsible for that before they can move on and improve themselves. Both statements can be true at the same time.

To be clear: I DON'T want Malleus to be "punished", "hurt", or to "suffer" more, as you claim I do. I have explicitly stated that I disagree with his horn being broken. (There are other, much more humane ways to limit his magic, and as I bring up in my book 7 rewrite, limiting his magic may actually free Malleus of his "curse" and make him more approachable to classmates.) I DON'T "want and expect the worst of [Malleus]." I have never stated I want him to be feared/avoided/hated or labelled a monster by the people of Twisted Wonderland. What I am asking for is for more explicit accountability for what he did and more realistic fallout for his actions (again, I find it very difficult to believe that not a single person in all of Twisted Wonderland holds even the slightest reservations in the aftermath of his OB). I want him to prove he has changed and have to EARN people's trust, not have it be handed to him so easily. The other OB boys all have to work hard (and are still working hard) to make amends for their wrongs, but Malleus seemingly has to do so much less despite the scale of his magic being so much grander. One example I mentioned earlier was him only apologizing to a fraction of the people he put under his spell when he actually disrupted many more lives than that.

I want to clarify that the reason I think Lilia should have died ISN'T because I "want Malleus to suffer". It's because I genuinely think this would better serve Malleus's character arc. He initially OBs because he wanted to prevent Lilia from leaving, yes? But then he... ends up getting the exact thing he lost his temper over, even though the solution was never quite this simple for the other OB boys. This feels as though Malleus and Malleus alone is getting special treatment. It's true that he killed Lilia, but Lilia remains dead for all of 5 seconds, so it doesn't feel as though that loss really sank in. Malleus is not challenged by, nor confronted with, mortality or coming to terms with drastic life changes. As I mention in my book 7 rewrite, Lilia didn't even necessarily need to stay dead in order for Malleus to have growth; all we would have needed was like... a coma or something? Some period of time that would force Malleus to sit and really self-reflect. The recurring issue with Malleus's writing is that he is always given chances to learn, but doesn't follow through on them. Even when it is advice being dispensed to him BY Lilia (a la Malleus's Dorm Uniform vignettes), Malleus doesn't take it to heart, either because something gets in the way or because he struggles to understand that advice, whatever. But in the aftermath of such a serious situation--something that unfolded by his hand, it's an opportunity for him to be introspective instead of brushing it off like in previous instances.

Again, I really think that the characters not openly demonstrating remorse for what they did is a consistent pattern with Twst's writing. It's not something unique to Malleus--but the thing is, when Malleus's motives are so often identified as "selfless" and "for everyone's happiness" and his magic isn't contained, he's impacting many more lives. Malleus is also in a position in which he represents a country and its future, and he himself has continuously expressed that he must maintain relations and decorum as future head of state. When he then goes and betrays his own morals, should he not demonstrate more recognition of that? (I think the only OB that stands out in this regard is Vil, who did apologize to the VDC/SDC team.) Of course, it's possible that this is covered more in book 8, but since book 7 ends in a time skip of several weeks and a party, I was expecting this to be more prominently displayed in the speech Malleus gives to the attendees.

I will say that I am tough on Malleus, but I think I'm allowed to be when he has so much power and status behind his name. It's that whole "with great power comes great responsibility" thing; the more you have, the more careful you should be with it. That's something Malleus is very aware of himself, so it tends to irk me when he misuses his magic. I disagree with other powerful mages' use of magic as well; you just don't see me harping on those because those instances are not as frequent. I don't like that Vil cursed the cake and pie Trey gifted the gang, and I don't like that Leona almost sanded Ruggie--but we rarely see other characters doing these things repeatedly. But then I see Malleus attacking Magicam Monsters and children (Lock, Shock, and Barrel), Malleus disregarding his fellow dorm leaders' autonomy (by using a spell normally cast on objects on them), stopping time and kidnapping people for a party without considering the consequences, etc. On one hand, you have Malleus aware of his position and the difference in power between him and his peers--but on the other hand, he's frequently using these powers on others with little regard for them, and isn't truly told off for it. This will feed into how some people perceive him--because if even his closest guardian figure, Lilia, isn't holding him accountable, then naturally some players will take up that mantle.

Malleus has been enabled his whole life, and this is even shown to us in his post-OB flashback and other materials. He's been told he doesn't have to apologize when he hurts people. He's never had to answer for the things he does--whether just simply rude or cataclysmic--because his power and status excuse him. I feel that fans protecting him and not truly holding him accountable for what he did is actually holding him back from bettering as a person, and that is endlessly frustrating to watch. He cannot be better if he's never allowed to identify that there is a problem to begin with. It feels like I'm watching someone I grew distant from spiral into a really bad habit, and he's ignoring all my warnings and pleas to take a look in the mirror; he fails to see that he's hurting himself because his other friends keep telling him that he's not doing anything wrong, so he keeps getting worse and worse when all I want is to see him improve. I don't think it's "demanding too much" for me to say that I don't think Malleus will improve if he's not first recognizing that he's made a mistake to begin with. If anything, I think it's unfair to give him treatment that isn't granted to any other OB. Frankly, I don't think I've seen anyone defending an OB boy to the same extent that Malleus has been, and to point out this discrepancy is my attempt at trying to provide "the other side", sans vitriol. If it seems to you like I'm not granting Malleus any grace, it's because those I'm discussing the topic with are typically already granting him maximum grace. When I point out what's missing or perhaps feels unsatisfactory about the ending, it's not a dig directed at Malleus; it's me trying to be pragmatic about writing in general. (I think the "not everyone thinks the exact same way" part is particularly salient, especially after seeing the variance in reaction to book 7's ending.)

TLDR

Many accusations about how I feel about Malleus were made in this ask. I do not believe that they accurately represent me. If you don't agree with that, that's fine--but then I guess my question becomes "Why send this in the first place?" It feels as though an opinion was formed based on making the worst possible assumptions of my character--and that's okay, that's a right everyone is allowed to have, and I certainly don't expect everyone to agree with me or to even like me/my takes. However, I just don't see what there is to gain in sending these thoughts to anyone?? I am genuinely very confused.

To clarify, I responded to this ask because I wanted to clarify my opinions on book 7's ending again, in case anyone missed them. I don't want my thoughts to be misconstrued as being blindly hateful.

[luckyshouse]

hi! im the asker of that not too vague not too personal question, haha. i did want to sincerely thank u outside of a like for responding and talking about it all; more is more, i'm so glad you had more to share!! i've only been able to understand or recognize my alters through fictional media, *ESPECIALLY* character tropes, like you mentioned?!!? it was basically the main tool i had that i could use to mentally cleave the concept of the alter apart from "me," which i also don't have a strong grasp of the desires/etc of, and when i looked around at typical experiences of fictives where they appear clear-cut instead of like blurry bundles of vague tropes and ways that a character acts, i felt for sure that i'd been misjudging myself when i used rules of thumb like "oh these tropes i'm exhibiting in this moment align with chara undertale, the character i bought a sweater to match with and act like, [X] is fronting, i guess??" -- the thing about kankri and having a "rule" about attractiveness hit too, in the sense that i couldn't have an alter from media i found too self-indulgent. this is a lot about moi you didn't need to know but genuinely. thank you for posting. thank you for making the art and the posts you do. i had no idea someone who i follow for it would make me have to sit with a disorder that a week ago i had completely tossed out the idea of despite also having the privilege of pretty persistent external validation from very obvious trauma. have a good one!

i'm so glad you were able to get help and gain something from my posts and art :') genuinely this is one of the sweetest things i've ever been told and i am so happy i could've helped. i understand completely, especially when i first started figuring out my system, i felt exactly like what you're describing. creating fursonas that embody those tropes have helped me so so much, but thats also because i at heart am a furry person. i have been making fursonas since before i could use the internet. and i think its really important that people talk about these things because DID is less so a specific set of rules that someone exists within and moreso a disorder that is extremely personalized to the person experiencing it. i think constantly about how DID generationally would portray in extremely different ways. someone with DID in the 50s is completely different than someone who has DID in the 2020s, because we have computers, we have new forms of media and entertainment and escapism. we have roleplaying and kinning where as a long time ago i'm sure systems were more focused on like television, or books, or spoken word. DID is a disorder characterized by completely dissociating from the body for extended periods of time, attempting to severe and fracture yourself when engaging with your body, but uiltimately, it is a disorder that is about being extremely abstracted from your physical self due to repeated and consistant trauma. i think its silly how people attempt to police how DID presents, becuase its like, how the fuck do you know someones "escapism" is wrong? you think theyre maladaptive daydreaming incorrectly? that doesn't make any sense. and i am so happy that i could portray other examples of DID so people know it isn't exclusively a one-model type of disorder.

this year has been really really rough on me, it's lead me to shedding a lot of things i considered core beliefs or held onto really tightly, due to nearly developing sepsis at one point and everything else going on in my life, i've decided that i'm trying to put all my effort into healing and learning who i actually am and who i want to be. i started making my art because i realized i was putting all of my energy into making art to create something for a bigger audience, and while that was helpful at the time, i want to create for myself. i want things i can be proud of not just because of the reception but because i internally feel proud and pandered to. im so happy my art means something to someone else

i hope you have a good night. :)

[maarchalk]

Inktober Tips

What is Inktober (skip this if you already know) I've never really been on a social media site where I get to write down my actual thoughts about inktober. I've been doing Inktober properly for a few years now and I made a few small attempts before that. Tips that I'm about to share here might be relevant for other art challenges as well. Inktober is of course a yearly art challenge where thousands of artist across the globe make an ink drawing for every day of inktober. But in my book any physical media is ok. The original challenge also had a stipulation about not sketching anything, this is also alright in my book. Anyone who tells you you're not doing it properly if you're not using exclusively ink without a sketch is a [slur of choice]. All of these artist follow the same prompt list, though in the last few years some alternate prompt lists have showed up. These prompts have showed up because of some scandall that I don't really remember. Me and some fellow artists that were also doing it decided back then to keep following the "official" prompt list, but if you want to do another one that's all good.

The only thing you should remember about all of this is that Inktober is all about getting into the habit of drawing daily and doing a decent job. Everyone is gonna be posting stuff of different quality and that's ok because we're all developing at a different rate.

Getting started with Inktober So how do you actually go about starting with Inktober? The first thing you should do is set an incredibly low bar for yourself. Inktober is long and if you're not with friends it's incredibly difficult to get motivated. Therefore you should be choosing your own pace, and to begin this pace should be incredibly low. For your very first inktober I recommend to get a small sketchbook or loose collection of pages of any size and mark out 31 days on the pages. In the beginning of the sketchbook you should write all of the prompts that month, that way you never have to look them up on your phone where you might get distracted. You can include the prompt on the page of the day if you want. That way you'll always know. My very first Inktober that I followed for almost the entire month was in 2018 and consisted of just two A4's with only 27 of the 31 prompts completed. And as you will see in the image below, several irrelevant doodles cluttered the pages as well. I started this Inktober run on the 5th so don't worry if you think you've missed the start date, just get a sketchbook and get going! Even today, a week from the end is a valid starting date if you only wanna do it for a week.

Following the prompt If you're doing Inktober remember this one thing, we're not chatgpt or some other image generator, we're artists! This means that unlike a computer we can actually creatively handle a prompt. If you're not sure what to draw at first glance, try approaching it from a different angle.

Experiment with the word, adding a B to the front of the prompt Ridge may give you the idea to put a Bridge on a Ridge, or something like that.

If you're a multilingual person or a non-english-native, try interpreting the prompt in your mother-tongue or any other language. If you're travelling or something it can also be fun to relate the prompt to your surroundings. Also on two seperate inktobers I related my inktober to the fact that I had a wisdom tooth removed that very day.

Also if you think you've got a physical item around you that you can draw to follow the prompt, go for it! These are especially fun to do without the sketch, but you can still include the sketch if you want.

Also remember to keep things fresh, if you're a little sick of using ink try changing it up. Just use a ballpoint pen or any other physical media.

Low effort Inktobers

Some days you're gonna be tired or not really feel like doing the prompt. It might have been a long day, it might be 5 minutes before midnight, hell it can even be two in the morning or the next day! The most important thing to do on these days is to put literally anything on the page! I call these the Low-Effort-Inktobers. They can either be the worst thing you've ever made or you can end up starting to enjoy it an make a friggin masterpiece! As I've mentioned, Inktober is all about keeping up the work, no matter what. And by anything I literally mean anything! Here are some Low-Effort-Inktobers!

Conclusion

Anyway Inktober is a fun art challenge that creates good habits! If you're still in doubt of getting started let me motivate you by showing some of mine. I'll show three from every year I've done, the very best, the very worst and an Inktober that is just average. I won't mention which is which cause I'm sure people would disagree with me. I hope it's gonna show a nice progression over the years! Remember if you're gonna start, only look at the first two or three, set the bar low! And feel free to show me your Inktobers! I wanna see more people show this kind of progression cause I find that interesting! 2019

2020

2021

2022 This is the year where I switched to giving every day it's own A4, the jump in quality is incredible.

2023

2024 Obviously Inktober is still running this year but here are some of mine.

[burningangel-burninghead]

I'm the anon from the post you reblogged from @/infinitedraconity, and I'm really glad you responded! Tbh I actually wanted to send you an ask but you had anon off 😅. Anyway, i guess I'm looking for advice on how to 'choose' what instincts I have? I actually tried to link a dragon as my first linktype, but it didn't go far bc I didn't have much to build off of, due to how varried dragons are. All I know rn is that I have connections to water, esp. Freshwater, and the western 6-limbed build! -🐊

Yeah, sorry for the delay, I've been in the throat of severe executive dysfunction these past few days.

Once again, I first must warn you that what works for me may not work for you, and certain concepts I'm trying to convey are hard for me to put into words. If you need clarification on anything you're more than welcome to ask for it.I'd recommend beginning by doing some introspection, put serious thought into what sort of being you as you exist now would be like as a dragon. Honestly I'm not sure that you're 100% free to pick your links- linking something that is entirely unlike you will give your mind nothing to work with and will become very difficult. That is why I am a black dragon with many catlike traits, it's not something I really "designed" when linking but rather what had the greatest energetic resonance with my self-image. This is actually a place where the widely varied nature of dragons will be a boon- there's really no WRONG way to be a six limbed, aquatic dragon. If a form and identity just FEELS like it's both a dragon and you, then it is.

And then, seek what traits of yours are already present (your water connection in this case), and mentally begin seeing them/conceptualizing them as your draconic traits. For instance, I'm an almost compulsive collector, I have very catlike body language, and due to my psychological polymorphy I often experience phantom traceries of talon and wing (the physical aspect here is something I'd personally recommend hypnotism, subliminals, and binaural beat meditation for if you do not currently experience them). Weave these aspects of yourself nto your desired self-image, remind yourself as often as possible that you are doing this because you are a dragon doing dragon things, and once this becomes automatic you may be pleasantly surprised as more draconicity reveals itself naturally.

Related, practice a form of mindfulness. Consider your environment. What things would your dragonself be paying the most attention to? How would you react to your surroundings? What would you be thinking?

Also, don't be ashamed to discover if you have hard limits on what link factors you can set. For instance, I cannot become a true extrovert, my brain just straight up isn't wired for it. If it quits being an enjoyable, validating experience to force your 'links and begins to become a source of stress, you need to try a different approach.

Write yourself like a book and most importantly, let yourself relax and enjoy the process.

[n1kolaiz]

"Man fears death and yet, at the same time, man is drawn to death. Death is endlessly consumed by men in cities and in literature. It is a singular event in one's life that none may reverse. That is what I desire."

Character Analysis: Dazai Osamu

Age: 22 || Ability: No Longer Human

I've done a lot of research concerning Dazai's character because of how complex he'd initially appeared to me. It is still a question as to what his personality type is; some say he's an ENTP while others argue that he's an INTJ, and his enneagram would most likely be 7w8 (The Realist), but that isn't the thing I'm going to focus on.

According to general databases and fan analyses, his temperament is dominantly melancholic. A person's temperament is basically how they react to and live in this world. For those of you not interested in such details, don't worry, I'll get to my point.

The melancholic behaviour is characterised by individualism, self-reliance, and reservation. People of the melancholic temperament are described as having been overcome with sorrow and depressive thoughts, which is beyond the feeling of "just being sad."

Nonetheless, they are generally calm beings, with a tendency to hide how they truly feel by keeping their composure, even in events that demand severe reaction otherwise. Other aspects of melancholic temperaments is that they are absorbed in the cruelty and tragedy of this world, and tend to get lost in their thoughts.

Sound familiar?

Dazai is seen to be as the comic relief of the adaptation, and he'd never fail to bring about a sense of lightheartedness to relieve the serious moments; we all know that for sure. Remember the time both him and Kunikida found Nobuko Sasaki in that godforsaken hospital, and how Kunikida asked him about his opinion on the current state of affairs?

But, despite having developed a calm and serene personality, Dazai's dark side was more apparent during the Dark Era. There was a type of intimidating and arrogant flair evident in his behaviour, or even on his face. It was the type of demeanour that came off cold and terrifying to the rather unlucky people he dealt with. In a moment's notice, they could literally die by his hands. And I believe most of them usually did. It was during this time, he was more brutal and vicious. He lacked remorse. Plus, Dazai's suicidal ideations were more dense during this Era, and his suicidal tendencies did not do anything to alleviate the depth of how dark his character was posed to be.

Side note: Unfortunately, people misunderstand this 'depressed' part of Dazai; they minimise his character so much to the point that people use only a single word to describe him: suicidal. He is, in fact, so much more than that. I'll elaborate more on that in a while.

"Hey, Odasaku, do you know why I joined the Mafia? I joined the Mafia because of an expectation I had. I thought if I was close to death and violence—close to people giving in to their urges and desires, then I would be able to see the inner nature of humankind up close. I thought if I did that… I would be able to find something—a reason to live."

Dazai's approach to life is that of an aimless soul, weary of the world's oppressions and exhausted from the concept of living itself. Nevertheless, what he said above about having an expectation made me realise something: he had a goal, which he wasn't that enthusiastic about achieving—seeking for a reason to carry on with life. So he joined the Mafia.

And there, he met Oda Sakunosuke.

Despite how resilient Dazai carried himself to be (especially during the Dark Era), this specific excerpt stands in direct opposition of how he effortlessly embodied all things daunting:

"With every step I take, I feel as though the earth has opened up into a bottomless pit as I fall endlessly. As Dazai pointed to his forehead and approached the muzzle, the look on his face – like that of a child about to burst into tears – had already been branded upon my eyes."

- quoted by Oda Sakunosuke, excerpt from Dazai Osamu and the Dark Era Light Novel.

When I read this, it sent my mind into a spiral of despair and confusion. It was so vague, yet it made so much sense. Dazai was desperate to escape from this life, but part of him seemed to live in conflict with his desire for death. I won't elaborate more on this, because this specific excerpt has personal meaning to me, as I'd expect it to have for others as well; so I wouldn't want to ruin anyone else's perception on it.

Back to my point: Odasaku was one of the only characters who managed to interpret the complexity of Dazai's mindset and was able to compartmentalise the specific details of his persona that made Dazai the way he was. Oda knew that Dazai wasn't just suicidal.

"For most things in life, it's harder to succeed than fail. Wouldn't you agree? That's why I should attempt suicide rather than commit it! Committing suicide is difficult, but it should be relatively easier to fail at attempting suicide!"

Others boasted about how he was just a suicidal maniac, and that was only because of how good Dazai was at concealing his own feelings whilst flamboyantly priding himself in new, risky techniques, which he sometimes elaborated on. But Oda, on the other hand, saw through his jokes, and empathised with his friend, never wanting to ever barge into his vulnerability without Dazai's permission, but still trying to be there for him.

"Listen. You told me if you put yourself in a world of violence and bloodshed, you might be ale to find a reson to live. You won't find it. You should know that. Whether you're on the side that takes lives or the side that saves them, nothing beyond your own expectations will happen. Nothing in this world can fill the hole that is your loneliness. You will wander the darkness for eternity."

Notice how Odasaku recognised Dazai's despair, before Dazai even dared to acknowledge his very own emotions? That was why, at Oda's death, he took the initiative to uncover Dazai's bandaged eye to show him that there was no use in concealing his feelings anymore.

Odasaku's last words to Dazai was to "be on the side that saves people," for he was aware that even though Dazai didn't believe there was a clear distinction between good and evil, he thought that perhaps Dazai would find meaning in his life, even if it was just a little bit of purpose.

In Dead Apple, we briefly relive this moment, but I'll write more on that some other time.

And when Dazai joined the ADA, he loses that dark side to him. No, wait, let me rephrase that: he loses a part of that dark side to him. He eliminated the raw sense of bitterness against the world from his face, and instead, he is seen to be a little more passive, and a little more adaptive. No doubt, he still does explicitly state his desire to die, but his wishes are very specific, if you know what I mean.

And a few years later, his journey with Atsushi began.

Atsushi and Dazai's relationship is just one of a kind. I think it isn't a matter of whether Atsushi needed Dazai, or whether Dazai needed Atsushi. It's the fact that they both needed each other. It's the way they both worked hand in hand, and how they sustained each other in ways they were lacking.

The two were polar opposites, but they had a tender kind of warmth embedded in their protectiveness for each other. Atsushi was just as lost as Dazai, but somehow, they worked together just fine. It was like their duality was meant to be. It was the type of symbiotic relationship, where their care for each other was implied, but very deep.

Does this also sound familiar... perhaps, in relation to Dazai's friendship with Odasaku?

Side note: Oda and Atsushi have the same enneagrams, which is Type 2, 'The Helper.'

There is a sort of balance that is brought about by two opposites. Odasaku taught Dazai many things, and I believe Oda learned a lot about a man's life from the way Dazai lived out his life with the innate desire to die. Atsushi sought for the right to live, while Dazai searched for a reason to live; in addition, Dazai validated Atsushi's feelings, and Atsushi was able to acknowlegde the amount of pain Dazai was going through.

Despite how Dazai's perspectives and beliefs stood in contrast with those of Oda's and Atsushi's, a type of inseparable bond connected the man who no longer felt like he was human, to the people who was the most human.

No Longer Human in the Japanese romaji is 'Ningen Shikkaku.' Ningen means "human," and Shikkaku means "disqualified." The late author, Dazai Osamu, wrote the book No Longer Human. He had gone through the rough throes of trauma and wrote this book as a semi-autobiography, whose plot was centred around a man who faked happiness, for he was tainted by the truth that everyone around him was fake themselves. He turned his life into a joke in order to protect himself from the delusions of this world.

This brings us back to the melancholic temperament, where a person was too deeply immersed in the sad truths of reality and the world itself.

And that's what Dazai's character and ability is based on: being disqualified as a human being, because he wasn't well-versed with what being human was actually like. The fabrications of being human sprung up all around him, but he wasn't willing to be fooled by how ingenuine the world truly was.

“I am convinced that human life is filled with many pure, happy, serene examples of insincerity, truly splendid of their kind—of people deceiving one another without (strangely enough) any wounds being inflicted, of people who seem unaware even that they are deceiving one another.”

- excerpt from Dazai Osamu's No Longer Human.

People who don't feel human emotions or don't react to circumstances the way humans do have a variety of ways of explaining how they feel inhuman. They are highly intelligent, which separates them from the average class of humankind, since they've analysed and untangled the truths of life in order to attain understanding, which they value above all else. But, this understanding of the world and its painful truths results in a deep kind of sorrow, which only a few people can seem to empathise with in order to help them out with that burden.

“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”

-excerpt from Fyodor Dostoevsky's Crime and Punishment.

Don't you think that this deep sorrow that lies in the heart of the intelligent, makes them the most human of all? They're too human, to the point where they don't feel human. Perhaps, it is a type of defence mechanism, where the mind numbs the heart from feeling normal human emotion, because logically breaking down such concepts is easier than feeling them. But it comes at a price. The heart is willing to recklessly comprehend and fathom any sort of emotion, including pain in its true form, but the mind bears more pain in understanding such concepts because it seeks to decipher every single agonising detail of how complex human emotions are. The mind thinks, the heart feels. There is a clear distinguishing factor between the two. Whether feeling hurts more than thinking, or thinking hurts more than feeling, or whether both these processes work hand-in-hand to make up the reality of life itself, is up for an individual to decide.

Only a few people can seem to empathise with intelligent people who are deeply sad at heart, in order to help them out. As for Dazai, it was Atsushi and Oda. They never took away the pain, but they made him grow from it; it worked vice versa, too.

Of course, there are less tedious and more appealing aspects to the concept of Dazai's intelligence. Dazai was seen as a threat to his enemies because of how manipulation and his keen skill of deduction made up how sharp his mind was. Besides, no one could commit '138 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 625 cases of fraud, along with various and sundry other crimes,' without having a certain level of intelligence, right?

Dazai had the moral alignment of 'chaotic neutral.' He was more focused on using his intellect to achieve the desired end results of a predicament, and he wasn't afraid to use the wrong means. A famous example was when he deflated the airbags of Ango Sakaguchi's car in order to gain the assured protection of Kyouka Izumi.

Justice is a weapon. It can be used to cause harm, but it cannot protect or save others.

Another example was when he blew up Chuuya Nakahara's car.

Just kidding. That was just a simple pastime (；・∀ ・)

His moral alignment points to what Oda said about him: the part where he mentioned that Dazai didn't really see any difference between good and evil. As long as his ends were achieved, especially if it were in the benefit of his fellow colleagues, he wasn't afraid to exploit, threaten, or endanger others' wellbeing. Because, at the end of the day, the end result triumphed the morally bad methods utilised to achieve it, correct? He always had a reason for his motives and actions, even if those actions were evil and inexcusable.

(eg. action: the psychological abuse he bestowed upon Akutagawa Ryunosuke.

motive: to enable him to hone his own ability favourably and to curb his arrogance)

But the consequences of one's actions will always catch up with a person, no matter what heights they've achieved.

Okay, we're reaching the end of my rambling very soon, I promise.

“If I had to go, I’d like to go out just as beautifully.”

“I’d prefer you don’t go.”

This part of the post is highly inspired by iwachuwu!!

An important factor of Dazai's development is highlighted BSD Wan's episode 10:

I'd like to appreciate that this scene focuses on how much Dazai actually means to Atsushi. When Atsushi responds with "I'd prefer you don't go," he said it lightheartedly for he thought Dazai was joking. But he wasn't. And once Atsushi absorbed the fact that Dazai meant what he said, he was overwhelmed with anguish at the thought of ever losing Dazai. Dazai, on the other hand, had a sense of longing on his expression. There was that look of pure desperation on his face. He was so desperate, yet he knew he couldn't act on his desperation due to a promise he'd made to someone dear to him. But keep in mind, Dazai is unpredictable, so we can never be sure of what's going on in that headspace of his.

Nevertheless, this time, Atsushi recognised Dazai's suffering, as no one usually cared to do, and Dazai didn't put in any effort to hide how he truly felt, as he habitually did. And this mutual emotional connection happened countless times during all the times Oda spent with Dazai as well.

To summarise,

Dazai's character had been carefully wired and patterned out in a way only a few would put in the effort to understand. Dazai was more than just suicidal; he was a being wandering from place to place with no specific aim. He was too smart for his own good. Dazai understood too well of how the world worked and deemed it void of any sort of hope.

Side note: Yes, the truth does come at a price, but it all comes down to how a person understands the truth. As for Dazai (both character and the author he was based off upon), well, it was quite tragic. But that's the way it is for some people, I suppose. But everyone has a different path to travel on, remember that.

His transition from working with the Port Mafia to the Armed Detective Agency was proof of how well-executed his character development was. It was two different personas morphed into what he is today: a womaniser with questionable morals a person who is still standing even after the rough refining process endowed upon him by the realities of this life.

However, he had people along the way come and teach him a thing or two, which perhaps made his life a little more interesting. Perhaps these people were passing clouds that hid the void out of sight for just a moment, and Dazai was always seen to be grasping on to these moments, and letting them go whenever it was time to let go.

His outlook on life makes his intellect look all the more intriguing. It shows that not only does his intelligence contribute to his own wit and shrewdness, but also the practical sense of realism that explains how tired he is of the concept of living because of the truths there are to bear.

However he's enduring the pain right now is by far the most bravest thing a person could commit themselves to doing. It takes courage, and it takes strength, but only a few would ever take the time to recognise such efforts.

Dazai has one of the most beautiful character developments, but I do hope that the development doesn't reach its end anytime soon.

fanart credits: @S7dOZPN3jWBB6cW on twitter

“Now I have neither happiness nor unhappiness.

Everything passes.

That is the one and only thing that I have thought resembled a truth in the society of human beings where I have dwelled up to now as in a burning hell.

Everything passes.”

excerpt from Dazai Osamu's No Longer Human.

[allegra-writes]

"Bad together"

Prologue: Benjamin Reilly

Peter Parker x Reader

General audiences

Warnings: none.

"And if I'm dead to you

Why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed"

My tears ricochet - Taylor Swift

"... It's a disaster! Look at her! It's like someone took a look at Black Cat, selected everything that made her sexy and then took it out!"

Black Cat. The name froze the young photographer on his tracks right outside his boss' office. He hadn't heard that name in a long time, the last sighting had been well over a year ago. He would know.  After all, it had been him, the very last person to have seen Felicia Hardy, alive or dead.

"What are you talking about? That looks hot af, not to mention badass!" Jade's persuasive voice reached his ears, making him smirk: It was no secret the chief editor had a soft spot for the young intern. And, on her part, the petite brunette was a firecracker. Poor old Jameson didn't stand a chance. "Come on, dad. Single handedly taking down three of the Kingpin's goons? That's impressive. It deserves to be one of the slides!" 

"Not if we don't get a higher quality picture. That blurry video is good enough for a thumbnail, but not for a slide" Slides were a big deal, they were the Dailybugle.net's equivalent of a front page, and if J. Jonah Jameson took something seriously, it was his web site. He prided himself in the quality of the "receipts" of his "tea", as if that validated the trashiness of the bullshit articles he posted, more fiction from hyper imaginative wannabe writers than serious work from real reporters. 

"Well, then let's get the pictures. Where is that star photographer of yours?" 

The photographer rolled his eyes, typical Jade. As if the queen of cool didn't know his name. As if she hadn't graced his bed a handful of times already. 

"That's a good question. Dolores, get me Reilly!"

"I'm here, Jonah" Ben finally stepped inside the office, throwing an envelope on Jameson's desk before throwing himself on a chair across it. He could feel Jade's eyes on him, almost like a physical caress, trailing from the long, slick back curls on the top of his head, to the muscles of his arms, threatening to rip open the seams at the sleeves of his white t-shirt, to his jean clad thighs. Still, he didn't turn to look at her, refusing to give her the satisfaction. 

"What do you have for me today, boy?"

Ben gesticulated vaguely with his head in the direction of Jade, and Jameson caught the hint. 

"Jade, out!" 

"But, dad, my story!" The petulant reply left her mouth before she could stop it, undoubtedly the product of years of habit. But she had the grace to look embarrassed and leave the office without another word, trying to save whatever professionalism she had left. 

Once she was gone, Jameson opened the envelope, flipping through the various pictures of a masked figure swinging around New York in a black and red suit. 

"Hmmm… these are good" the older man praised, staring at the images of a frustrated robbery at 5th avenue

Ben snifled nocomitically,

"There was a fire at 16th avenue happening at the same time" He offered, "we could use that. Spider-Man forgets his roots and leaves his old neighborhood to fend for itself, running off to save some pretty socialite…"

"Oh, that is excellent! See, this is why I like you, kid. You have initiative. Unlike these snowflakes out there. Oh, but Spider-Man is a hero. Hero, my ass"

"Well, when you watch your so called hero sit back and do nothing as your life gets destroyed" Ben shrugged, "the rose colored glasses tend to fall off…"

Jameson made a face at that,

"Yeah, about that… I'm sorry. For the role the Daily Bugle played on that…"

Ben shook his head, 

"You thought you were getting the truth out there. It's not your fault to have been played, along with half the world. Plus," he added, sounding genuinely enthusiastic, "you gave me this job. And now we can really tell the truth"

"Even when our idea of the truth is somehow different" The older man scoffed, flipping around a picture of Spider-Man sat on what appeared to be a hammock of his own webs, eating a hamburger and reading something that looked suspiciously like a comic book, "Still hung up on that high schooler theory of yours?"

"Well, if it talks like a brat and acts like a brat…" Ben took out another envelope, this time containing a few burger king wrappers and, effectively, a spider-man comic book. 

"Where did you even get these?"

"Harlem" was Ben's curt reply, and Jameson knew that was as exact a location as he was going to get. 

"So you still believe this is a copycat? Some kid playing dress up"

Ben simply shrugged again. 

"Well, there seems to be an epidemic of those lately" Jameson admitted, indicating Ben to come closer, passing a tablet to him, "Jade just handled me this, take a look"

Ben took a deep breath, steeling himself, already knowing what he was going to see in it. Yet, a part of him couldn't help but hope to be wrong. To hope the silver haired figure facing three much bigger, stronger looking ones as he pressed play, wasn't the same one he had spent weeks memorizing last summer. Wasn't the body he had found solace in, when everything fell apart, once again, for the hundredth time in his life. 

To hope it wasn't you. 

But when in his twenty-two or so years of existence, had things ever gone his way? 

Ben felt the screen crack under his fingertips.

"I've heard of her" he lied through his teeth, "didn't even think she was real, to be honest. Extremely elusive, and cunning." That much was true, "I don't understand how something as mundane as a security camera managed to catch her…" 

Unless you wanted to be caught, that was. 

"Well, I don't care if she's the fucking Loch Ness monster, I want an HD picture of her on my desk tomorrow to go with Jade's article. I already have a headline: New Catastrophe Jen wreaks havoc on Hell's Kitchen" Jameson's eyes lit up with glee as he weaved his hands up in the air, like writing on an invisible marquee. 

Ben snorted

"Don't you mean Calamity Jane?"

Jameson's face fell, the color rising to his cheeks, characteristic vein popping on his forehead. 

"I meant what I meant, boy! Now, what are you still doing here? You have 24 hours to get me that picture"

"I'm going to need 72," came Ben's unphased reply, "and I want twice what you pay me for the spidey pics"

Jameson's vein looked about ready to explode,

"48 hours. And deal."

Ben jumped from his seat and bolted out of the office before his boss could change his mind, not realizing until it was too late that he was on a collision course with a sweet looking short haired blonde girl. 

"Watch where you're going! Jeez!"

"Me? You're the one who crashed against me!" 

Ben rolled his eyes, but crouched next to the girl anyway, helping her gather the papers that had been sent flying on impact back together.

"Peter? Oh my god, is that you?"

Of course. What an idiot, he should had recognized that annoying, shrilly voice the second he heard it. It had caught him off guard, something he knew he couldn't afford. But how could he had ever imagine he could run into Betty fucking Brant, Yale cum laude, in the freaking dailybugle.net headquarters of all places?

"Sorry, sweetheart. You must confuse me with someone else…" He mumbled, lowering his head even more in a vain attempt to hide his face.

"Of course not!" She insisted, "You're Peter, Peter Parker, we went to Midtown together!"

"Miss, I have no idea what you're talking about…"

"Don't be silly, Peter!" She chuckled, completely deft to his tone or the way his whole demeanor had changed the second she had called him by the old name. "How have you been? Oh, just wait until I tell Ned, he's going to be so-"

CRACK.

At last, the tablet that had been in peril ever since Jameson had put it in Ben's hands, the one that contained his assignment, met its demise, both broken halves falling to the ground, along with all the papers he had picked up for Betty. It was several moments before he could get the shaking of his hands under control, before the tar black rage inside him subsided enough for him to be able to move without shifting. But it had.

"Peter Parker is dead." He deadpanned, dark brown eyes finally meeting Betty's stunned blue ones, "Tell Ned that, he'll probably be glad to hear it"

With that, he stood up and walked away, leaving a confused and agitated Betty behind. 

To be continued...

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

can i say a sort of pointless rambly thing i was thinking about that i can't put under the cut bc i'm on mobile?

jk, i'm not actually asking. ramble below, not edited for clarity. the following is completely unclear and i will not fix it:

i've been thinking about how part of the reason i'm so chill about caryl is bc growing up as a queer woc 99% of my main ships were like, never gonna fucking happen bc they literally couldn't. it was like, "omg, they gazed at each other from across the room, let's analyze the homosexual subtext of this one scene for the next fifty years, that's not necessarily hyperbole." i've watched all my ships fuck other ppl/have other love interests, and i knew that my thing was never gonna be canon, so to see like, one thing being like, "one half of my ship fucked another person several years ago while pining for the other half of my ship," i'm like...#nice, bc that can and likely will be used as a plot point to get them together later on, whereas in other situations i've been in i just kinda had to deal with it. so my impulse when i see ppl losing their shit is to be like

and to be slightly annoyed, tbh, bc the ship is still on track to be canon, and it's like, literally two white heterosexuals, they're prime candidates for juicy angsty pining that actually gets a resolution.

but!

that being said, i recognize that that attitude isn't necessarily fair. for one thing, i'm not the only queer woc (or some variation thereof) in this fandom, and some ppl's impulse might be exasperation instead, bc like, "wtf, even my mayohet ship has dumb fucking drama," and that's valid as hell, and i get it.

and also, i get that, even if you didn't grow up shipping impossible ships (or mulder/scully, bc that's a brand of bullshit all its own), this has been a suuuuper drawn out process where sometimes it feels like they're legit sprinkling crumbs to keep you hooked, just to play you again, and when you are invested in something, like /rly/ invested, especially if it's a form of escapism or hyperfixation or whatever, that can be e x h a u s t i n g. and i get that. i truly do, and while i make a lot of snide comments about the fandom being bonkers, i do get where the bulk of you are coming from (unless you're one of those ppl who hate on actors and esp actresses for just doing their jobs, and attack them on social media, in which case i am very much judging you and you need to get your life together).

i also realize that in the scheme of things i'm still a newbie. i've been here, what, twoish/threeish years, whereas some of you have been here since the beginning, so i'm not as worn out as y'all. but i also think that gives me a bit of objectivity that some of y'all have (understandably) lost.

my positivity is not meant as a sleight against those of you who are feeling negative, but is more of a semi-objective viewpoint (i say semi, bc lbr, i'm invested af in this, so i definitely have bias), and to me the threads of the storyline they're crafting seem sort of obvious.

like, let's look at it, yeah? they have one season left of this show that has been on for over a decade. they need to cater to everyone to give them a satisfying ending, while still hanging on to carylers bc of the spin-off. darylrreah seems like a very calculated move, bc it gives them both something to make abcers happy, while also creating tension and suspense and pining for carylers (i think they might underestimate just how fed up some carylers are tbh, and are banking on us to hang on for one last ride, which, honestly? if they play it right will probably work.)

if they end up doing a dumb love triangle thing, which, without seeing the episode and gauging the subtext i can't confidently say if i think they will or won't, it will ultimately end in our favor. it has to, bc leah isn't going to third wheel them on the bike in the spin-off. we can say with good authority that whatever that relationship ends up being (again, idk if they'll drag it out or not) it will be temporary. which leaves caryl open to ride off into the sunset and then bone down in every state in the united states and in puerto rico for good measure.

it's a lot of cheap drama, but i really and truly do not think it's anything to worry about, and i still really and truly trust kang to not make it out of character. ik ppl still don't agree with me on that point, and i'm not gonna argue, but to me it really does make perfect sense.

and i also predict that they are gonna play it up hardcore in the promotional shit and talking dead, but when that happens, remember it's bc it gets attention. regardless of where the story is ultimately going, relationship drama gets attention, which gets viewers, which gets amc and twd producers nice and comfy with full pockets

idk. to sum up ig i just wanted to clarify that i don't mean any harm with my relentless positivity. my history in fandom has just made this seem like nothing in comparison, bc while ppl are freaking out, i'm like, "oh damn, they're actually gonna get together by the end of this, aren't they? i didn't know that could happen!" and that makes me excited instead of upset

and you definitely don't have to listen to me. maybe i'm actually wrong. maybe i'm completely full of bullshit and am just good at making things sound confident. i got a lot of As on papers in college over books i never read, i know how to bs. but i also know how to analyze, and i while i will be the first to tell you i am not the best at a great many things, i do know that i am good at critically analyzing text while taking into account the context it was written in, and imho all signs point to canon caryl. when, i'm not entirely sure, but i see it happening. if it doesn't then they severely fucked up their storytelling, and that'd just be bad writing on their part.

(if you want proof that i'm good at reading writers'/producers' intentions, consider that i watched like, 8 seasons of supernatural before giving up, and said to myself, "i think they're gonna make destiel canon, but not until the very last second bc they are rly into catering to their fans but also have to consider their dumb fanboy audience so they can't do anything crazy overtly gay," and guess who hit the nail on the fucking head on that one)

none of this is important, but it was rattling around my mind grapes and i wanted to write it down into something vaguely coherent, and where else better to do it than here. i can word vomit and then send it into the ether and pretend i never said a thing. i love this horrible website, nothing can compare

i have no real conclusion to this, it was mostly stream of consciousness, but i hope it sort of helps y'all understand where i'm coming from, and why i am as chill as i am about things. not about y'all. y'all cause me so much anxiety i get physically sick and have to legit block tags, but with the actual show content i'm zen as hell

uh

the end ig?

it feels weird even signing off on this, but w/e

-diz

[xcooki]

Hi there. I know for a fact that you don't know who I am. I know that very few of the people who follow me, actually know I exist. So, I'd like to say something.

I have not been doing well mentally recently. I've had to cut ties with a very close friend, as I was incidentally causing them trouble, because I was hurting them, causing them to clean up after my messes. I have very taxing, very stressful exams coming up in the coming months, several of which I am confident I will not pass. I have a vulnerable person at home, who I cannot come close to due to my need for an education. Lastly, I feel like I am lagging behind. I feel like that I am known for reblogging things, and for the people I have associated myself with. I don't feel like I am known for my own work, for the effort that I put in for everything I create.

I have several hundred kudos on ao3, between four fics. None of which have been updated recently due to the things listed above. I also have over two thousand reads on wattpad, of an incredibly bad piece of writing which I wish to forget about. The posts I make when I update that writing, or release new pieces, get less than ten notes. Less than ten people, acknowledge that I have actually created something of my own.

It's not even just writing, or media. It's anything I make. I made a post yesterday about making a discord server. The last time I checked it had two notes. Two. One of which is the reblog that I made to try and get it seen. The same pattern goes for all my posts.

Hell, this post is most likely going to get less than ten notes, because nobody likes the person complaining about their situation, about their mental health, their fucking self esteem. Nobody likes to hear about the person who is in the mind state that their own original works, writing pieces, art, even fucking words, are not good or valid enough to be looked at.

I made a rant about the narrative uses of a cold atmosphere the other day. A post I was really proud of, a post that I actually wanted people to add on to, to give their opinions on, to look at. Nobody. Not one person, that I know of, has looked at it.

So, where is this going? Oh, poor Cooki, not getting the recognition he wants for making something on the endless stream of the internet.

This post is a hiatus post. An official one. I'm not going to be working on any fics, or posting anything original on this blog. Not until I manage to at the very least get validation that people do in fact care about my opinions, my thoughts, the work that I spend hours, days, weeks on. That people do actually give a shit about my hard work.

I will, however, still be working on my book. A project for me, for my benefit. So everyone here for Cry of the Sightless, Gaming My Way to Your Heart, Two Hearts or even Snugglemao Cat Café AU, people who actually enjoy my work. I apologize. If you would like to hear updates about my book, and things that I presently actually care about, please follow @authorsoru.

[mariocki]

I was recently at an Oxfam bookshop, which is always a dangerous thing. I don't get to them often, but whenever I do I leave with far too much stuff. This time was no different, and I walked away with a bag full of books and records. Most exciting among my purchases, though, was a collected edition of the poems of William McGonagall.

I have long been after such a tome. For the uninitiated, McGonagall was a 19th century Scots poet and (by his own description) tragedian. This is him:

He is also often described as perhaps the worst poet who ever lived.

I've been a fan of McGonagall's work ever since I first came across The Famous Tay Whale, perhaps the best known of his poems. Like all of his work, it displays a total disregard for scansion; a rigid adherence to end-rhyme, no matter how strained; and a tendency toward utter literalism, forsaking metaphor or imagery in favour of simply describing what is in front of his eyes. An excerpt:

So the monster whale did sport and play

Among the innocent little fishes in the beautiful Tay,

Until he was seen by some men one day,

And they resolved to catch them without delay.

Taken by itself this might not seem so bad - it certainly isn't good - but McGonagall's poems all have a habit of going on slightly too long as well, so that he ultimately begins to repeat himself, and the more painful of the lines only get worse. I will say, though, that The Famous Tay Whale does contain perhaps my favourite of all McGonagall's stanzas:

Then the water did descend on the men in their boats,

Which wet their trousers and also their coats;

But it only made them the more determined to catch the whale,

But the whale shook at them his tail.

I mean, that's a triple whammy. You've got the horrible, awful lack of scanning between the third and fourth lines, the crazed reliance on rhyme, and the utterly extraneous detail of the wet coats. In a twisted way, this is art.

It feels sort of cruel to celebrate someone for being bad at something. But McGonagall really was very, very bad. Actually, there is some debate about whether or not he was 'in' on the joke - that he may have been a skilled music hall entertainer, who had created the character of The Great McGonagall in order to draw a crowd - and at the height of his fame, he was certainly very successful. There is enough oddness, however, and general eccentricity in his private life to convince me that McGonagall was entirely sincere in his belief of his artistic talents.

A greater reading of his work reveals some particular obsessions held by the poet. There are numerous poems dedicated to new buildings or elements of industry. The best known of these, I suppose, is the triptych of poems about the Tay Railway Bridge (the Tay itself figures in an alarming number of the poems). Some brief excerpts:

The Railway Bridge Of The Silvery Tay

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silvery Tay!

And prosperity to Messrs Bouche and Grothe,

The famous engineers of the present day,

Who have succeeded in erecting the Railway

Bridge of the Silvery Tay,

Which stands unequalled to be seen

Near by Dundee and the Magdalen Green.

The singling out of individuals for praise towards the end of the poem is another recurring motif in McGonagall's work. A little over a year after writing the above poem, the Tay Rail Bridge collapsed during a storm, whilst a train was crossing. The disaster moved the poet to write again:

The Tay Bridge Disaster

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay!

Alas! I am very sorry to say

That ninety lives have been taken away

On the last Sabbath day of 1879,

Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

Remember'd is a particularly frustrating word because the removal of that e does nothing to shorten the word or number of syllables when read aloud. Honestly, I can only assume McGonagall was doing it for the aesthetic. Regardless, when a replacement bridge was unveiled the poet once more put pen to paper:

An Address To The New Tay Bridge

Beautiful new railway bridge of the Silvery Tay,

With your strong brick piers and buttresses in so grand array,

And your thirteen central girders, which seem to my eye

Strong enough all windy storms to defy.

And as I gaze upon thee my heart feels gay,

Because thou are the greatest railway bridge of the present day,

And can be seen for miles away

As well as the Tay Rail Bridge, McGonagall captured numerous towns and cities with his pen; there are poems dedicated to Edinburgh, Glasgow, New York, Balmoral, Torquay, Perth, and several about his home town of Dundee. The poet also wrote on topical events, particularly disasters and battles (presumably where his title of Tragedian came from). Then there are addresses to particular people - to Queen Victoria, to Shakespeare, Tennyson, an unknown poet who poked fun at him, and to someone called J. Graham Henderson, presumably a tailor:

Lines In Praise Of Mr. J. Graham Henderson, Hawick

Success to Mr. J. Graham Henderson, who is a good man,

And to gainsay it there's few people can,

I say so from my own experience,

And experience is a great defence.

He is a good man, I venture to say,

Which I declare to the world without dismay,

Because he's given me a suit of Tweeds, magnificent to see,

So good that it cannot be surpassed in Dundee.

An excerpt from one of McGonagall's tragic tales:

The Disastrous Fire At Scarborough

Oh! It was horrible to see the flames leaping up all around,

While among the spectators the silence was profound,

As they saw a man climb out to the parapet high,

Resolved to save his life, or in the attempt to die!

And he gave one half frantic leap, with his heart full of woe,

And came down upon the roof of a public-house 20 feet below;

But, alas! He slipped and fell through the skylight,

And received cuts and bruises: oh, what a horrible sight!

It is lines such as the above that have undoubtedly caused people to question whether the writer was some kind of elaborate hoaxer; those are also the sort of lines that have won him diehard fans (J. K. Rowling and Terry Pratchett among them - both have made references to McGonagall in their work). Some have speculated that the poet may have been on the autism spectrum, and it's entirely possible. After writing to Queen Victoria to try and secure her patronage, and receiving an official rejection written by a royal functionary, McGonagall seems to have mistaken it for some form of validation from the Queen and would often describe her as an admirer of his work for the rest of her life.

It might seem cruel to draw attention to the work of an artist so clearly lacking in technical ability, but I am, like many others, genuinely fond of McGonagall and his work. A large part of the study of poetry is an attempt to get inside the mind, to understand the very soul of the poet. William McGonagall had a fascinating mind, and a unique soul.

I'll finish with a fragment, all that remains of an otherwise lost McGonagall poem, written to celebrate the unveiling of a statue of Robert Burns in Dundee in 1880:

The Burns Statue

This Statue, I must confess, is magnificent to see,

And I hope will long be appreciated by the people of Dundee;

It has been beautifully made by Sir John Steell,

And I hope the pangs of hunger he will never feel.

-

This statue is most elegant in its design,

And I hope will defy all weathers for a very long time;

And I hope strangers from afar with admiration will stare

On this beautiful statue of thee, Immortal Bard of Ayr.

-

Fellow-citizens, this Statue seems most beautiful to the eye,

Which would cause Kings and Queens for such a one to sigh,

And make them feel envious while passing by

In fear of not getting such a beautiful Statue after they die.

-

See where he sits on the stump of that tree

His eyes tuned to heaven his Mary to see,

A scroll at his feet, a pen in his hand

Writing to his Mary in the Better Land

[taylunae]

My thoughts on Unbelievable so far...

Hi, 2021 Crescent here. I happen to come across this post on my blog, and as I was rereading realized how problematic it was. Where are the trigger warnings? Why was I throwing around the word r*pe so much? It's clear that I was new to fandom, and I've learned so much since then about being sensitive to others, so instead of just deleting this post, I'd like to give it another crack. To show to myself how much we've changed since 2019. Alright, here we go.

⚠️ Trigger warning ⚠️ discussions of SA

I've been watching a lot of TV lately. A lot. And I've been finding myself noticing the different ways that various TV shows are set up. You know, things like structure, main characters, presentation.

It's not very often that I can truly appreciate the presentation about a show. I mean, we all know I love Riverdale (I don't anymore) and it's an absolute dumpster fire of a show but that's not why I watch it. I don't watch Riverdale for the presentation, I watch it for the characters. (To be fair, I still like the characters, but I could only watch a writers room full of men make horrible decisions about characterization for so long before I had to dip) But, I digress.

But I'm watching this new show on Netflix, Unbelievable. And the depth and attention to detail is astounding me. The way that they are setting up the show is so artfully done that it actually amazes me. You begin to the show thinking that the main character is going to be Marie. But as the show progresses, you realize maybe the main character is Detective Duvall. And then Detective Rasmussen. And then you realize "oh it's not any of those." It's a hybrid of the story of two female detectives who are going above and beyond to solve an impossible mystery.

And I thought that this was going to be something that trivialised rape SA with young women. But it doesn't. It is The show talks about rape SA in a way that I'm sure every woman feels about rape SA. It's not playing it off as some awful thing that just happens. They don't say oh well. (That isn't completely true. I failed to mention that some of the characters do have this reaction, and that's what makes the determination of the detectives that take the case all the more validating) Even with one character who feels like she's forced to admit that she made a false report. That (referring to false accusations being sensationalized in media, which was incredibly common during the Me Too movement) is something fat that is in the media all the time but as they build the story you realize but that you can see this whole new perspective from women who report rape SA and then later come out to say that it was a false accusation. (I don't like that I said "new perspective" here. I think a more accurate description would have been a new perspective for me. Because this isn't a new perspective for some women, it's a very common thing that happens.)

In fact, that's one of my greatest fears about rape SA. Not that it will scar me for life. Or that I won't be the same person. Because I know those things are true. If that were to ever happen to me, I know that it will change me on a molecular level. The worst fear that I have about potentially being raped SA is the fact that if you're strong enough (this isn't about strength, it's about support. I remember I used to feel this way about SA. That is you didn't report it, you just weren't strong enough. Fuck that. All women are strong. This is such pick me, fucked up language that had been ingrained into me from living in a small town my entire life. Reporting SA isn't about strength. It's about the community you have behind you, and the people you keep beside you. Supported people can do hard things things) stand up for yourself, there are going to be people who say you made it up. And this show so artfully portrays that perspective.

And every other perspective. It's so well thought-out. And yeah, it's hard to watch. But it's worth the time. (This is one thing I got 100% right. This show is hard to stomach, and I still think about it two years later. I haven't rewatched, I don't think I could now knowing what I know about myself. Maybe I wouldn't like it this time around. But I'm glad I watched it then, it was worth my time.)

** okay, so some final thoughts from 2021 Tate**

I think the reason I had such a visceral reaction to my analysis, however juvenile it was, of the show is because since then I have done extensive work on myself through therapy. Through this therapy, something that we always came back to and talked about was my inherent fear of men. And we talked about how, to my belief, it was always something that had been a part of me.

We worked on that. And we came back to that. A lot. And one night it hit me. I had been preparing a lecture that I had to give to my students the next day about r*pe culture and how it affects the books that we read and something that I always do, because I teach in a small community, is I prepare for the worst, most bigoted statements that I can think of that my students might say and I pre-planned thoughtful, caring answers that restated my boundaries and corrected them to using gentler language to express their curiosity.

While I was doing this I happened to think about something that had happened to me when I was in high school that I had always looked at in a light of "oh that's a funny story to tell." But because I was already studying SA in depth with my students it was at the forefront of my mind, and it was then that I realized that what happened to me at a party in Grade 10 wasn't a funny story, I had experienced sexual assault. And if there was one thing that 2019 me got right was that it did change me.

Because that's when my fear of men started. I could almost pinpoint it to the day.

That's when I started being more cautious.

That's when my anxiety got unmanageable.

Once I had realized this, I immediately reached out to both my mom and my husband and told them about how I thought that I had been sexually assaulted. And just like I feared one of those people didn't believe me at first and required me to validate why I thought that it happened to me. My mother is an amazing person, and one of the most supportive people in my life. However, she also was taught about SA through a male gaze. She had never had somebody as close to her as I am tell her that that it happened to them. And unlike what I thought, it wasn't the worst thing that could happen to me. I had the opportunity to educate somebody else about exactly what SA means and entails. She cried with me and for me. She told me she loved me. And that was enough.

My husband came home from work that night looking lost. He had heard the story before. I used to tell it as a joke at parties. Yet, he came home and he wrapped me up in a hug and he said "I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm sorry that I didn't realize it was wrong until you did."

So like I said earlier. It's about support. I think about some of my earlier comments about how I used to know that if I was ever sexually assaulted it would ruin my life and scar me forever. About how I know that it would change me and I would never be the same.

But I've grown since then. I worked through this realization with my therapist for months. As I've grown, I've come to know other women who have experienced something similar to, or worse than, what I did, and I've noticed something. Did it change who we are? Of course. Am I scarred for life? No. I'm finding that no, I'm not. Did it change who I was on a molecular level? No. It changed me. It made me fearful, for a while. But I was going to change anyways. And I wish that I could have changed without experiencing something horrible, but I am stronger because of it. I'm not saying I'm grateful for my sexual assault, but I am grateful for the lessons I've learned since then.

I was just a child back then, and I didn't know anything about boundaries and how to assert myself or how to say no. But I've learned those things now, and I'm not afraid of men anymore. I wish that I had been taught those things then.

That contrary to what 2019 me thought, despite my realization of my SA, I'm okay. My life hasn't changed that much. And I know that I'm one of the lucky ones, in terms of severity. I know that I walked away and that means that I was lucky.

I'm realizing now that there are more nefarious things at play in our society. What started out as something small, the Me Too movement is now a global movement. And it has helped women all over the world. In 2019, I didn't think that we would live in a world where when somebody had sexual assault allegations put up against them, we dropped those people from sponsorships, and stopped carrying their shows on n*tflix. I never thought that we would live in a world like that, but we do. We don't stand for men who don't respect women, and we certainly don't support them and give them our money.

What's happening in Texas right now with the Ab*rtion Act that is being put out is exactly the kind of thing that will happen if we stay silent. However, it is amazing to know that if we speak out through our social medias and write to our MLAs and Senators that we can make change. We don't sit back and let injustices happen like we used to. We fight, and we set our boundaries, and we say no. And it is making a difference. And sometimes we all need that reminder.

[squirenonny]

Thoughts: what Knights Radiant order would the paladins of Voltron belong to? I've been trying to place them. It's not easy considering how little we still know about the various Orders. I lean toward Lightweaver for Lance. Windrunner for Shiro, maybe, though that could be just because his backstory makes me think of Kaladin.

Ooooooooh, I’m so glad you asked, because I have Thoughts post-Oathbringer. I’ve done something like this before, but I’m not sure I totally agree with how I sorted the paladins in that post anymore. First, the tl;dr version with no explanation, because several of the explanations get into Oathbringer spoilers. We don’t know a lot of stuff about a lot of the Orders, and I think most of the paladins could very easily go a different way, so I’ll put my full thoughts, including alternate Orders, below the cut.

My ideal sorting:

Lance - Bondsmith

Shiro - Elsecaller

Pidge - Dustbringer/Releaser

Hunk - Windrunner

Keith - Stoneward

Allura - Lightweaver

Oathbringer spoilers begin below.

Lance - Now more than ever, I see him as a Bondsmith, especially because we’ve seen that Bondsmiths are able to manipulate Connection. I already liked Bondsmith!Lance because he’s the glue that holds the team together, and because I really, truly see him as someone who could lead the paladins, but everything we’ve seen from Dalinar’s progression as a Radiant this book strikes me as something that would really fit with Lance’s character. The insight he gains through the visions, the way he can pull other people into them, the way he and Shallan used their powers in conjunction. (I’m not sure if that last one is a Bondsmith-specific thing or Radiants in general, but Dalinar definitely gave Shallan something that let her make better illusions.) And let’s not get into the whole climax thing with Dalinar, Odium, the Thrill, and that powerful moment of, “No, I’m not going to hide and blame my mistakes on other people. I’m going to own them, and I’m going to do better.” Frick. I will say that I don’t think Lance would bond the Stormfather, but I’m not sure about the other two. I’d really like to know more about the Sibling, because I have an inkling that’s where Lance would fit best. But just. Lance as the person who promotes unity, who leads by understanding and supporting the rest of the team, y/y?

Alternatively... Lance as a Lightweaver would be interesting, but I don’t quite see him having powerful enough Truths to speak or walking the right line between truth and lie to progress in his Ideals. Now, assuming we were doing a full AU and giving Lance the kind of backstory that could provide those Truths, Lightweaver!Lance could be very interesting, but as far as canon Lance goes, I’d lean more toward Edgedancer. He’s so open and caring that I think he’d naturally fall in with their worldview. Also I want to see him team up with Lift. That would be adorable. (Though I do lean very strongly toward Bondsmith!Lance.)

Shiro - I think he would fit in pretty well as a Windrunner. (And yes, he is very much like Kaladin omh. I swear one day I’m either going to do a swap AU one way or the other, or I’m going to somehow get the two of them in the same place so they can bond.) But yeah, Shiro definitely has that protective nature that I could see attracting an honorspren–though I would be very concerned about him if his memories of the Arena came back after he’d sworn a few Ideals, because holy shit talk about an identity crisis. 3

On the other hand, I have to say I’m still very attached to Shiro as an Elsecaller. I maintain that the astral plane is essentially the Cognitive Realm of Voltron canon, and Shiro clearly has some kind of connection to it. From what we know Elsecallers are also something like ambassadors to the spren, and that’s something I could see Shiro being very well suited to. He already is making more of an effort to communicate in concrete terms with his lion than the other paladins. And I mean, Elsecalling is basically the only acceptable explanation for Shiro’s disappearance at the end of season 2. :P

Pidge - Prior to Oathbringer, I’d suggested either Truthwatcher or Lightweaver for Pidge, but I’m slowly leaning away from those. I could still see her as a Truthwatcher, especially if Feather (@renarinkholin)’s theory is right and Truthwatchers’ Resonance is the ability to see through lies. Especially-especially given the episode Reunion, where Pidge saw through the secret of Matt’s grave. I don’t think they’re the ideal fit for her–Illumination is a good Surge for her, but I don’t think Progression is quite her style. (I mean, okay, plants, but she really needs something offensive or she’s going to scream.)

In light of the tidbits we learned in Oathbringer, I actually really like Pidge for Dustbringer/Releaser. Three things: (1) the new tidbit we got was that Releasers like to take things apart to figure out how they work, which holy shit, that’s Pidge. (2) Abrasion and Division are such good Surges for Pidge. Let her skim around the battlefield, completely untouchable, and wreck shit with a single touch. (3) The fact that ashpren on the whole apparently hate humans and want to kill them is a little worrisome, but I could see Pidge attracting the odd rebel–or attracting one who initially hates her but gets to know her and ends up liking her, against his better judgment.

Hunk - See, I still stand by my Windrunner Hunk theory from that old post. Especially in light of his vlog? This boy had a protective streak a mile wide, and even though he’s scared out of his mind by everything that wants to kill him, he’d still choose to be out here fighting and helping people. I just. Ugh. Windrunner!Hunk and Bondsmith!Lance are the hills on which I die, okay?

Alternatively, I think there’s a solid case to be made for Truthwatcher Hunk, again, partially on the basis of Feather’s lie detector theory. Hunk is very good at spotting deception, and I think it would be cool to see him with powers that augment that. I also think the Truthwatcher Surges compliment him better than they do Pidge. He’d definitely appreciate being able to heal people, and while Shallan-style illusions don’t seem to be something Hunk would care about, I have a suspicion that Truthwatchers employ the Surge of Illumination in a different way. Less espionage, more… I don’t know. Communication or illustration or something. I feel like (a) they’re more attuned to sound than light and (b) they’re less likely to attach it to themselves as a disguise. But maybe that’s just me. I could see Hunk using illusions to create 3D models of machines he’s working on, or of planets/bases to help with strategy sessions.

Keith - Keith is a tough one for me to sort. There’s something about Willshaper!Keith that tugs at me, but we know virtually nothing about Willshapers, so I don’t know that that’s a valid theory. He could also go the way of Releaser, though that isn’t as immediately gripping to me as Releaser!Pidge. I’m actually completely discarding my old ideas about Keith’s Order in light of new information from both canons. On the one hand, I could see him make for a pretty good Lightweaver. Boy obviously has some secrets he’s trying to keep hidden, and “I’m part Galra” would be a damn powerful Truth to speak as his second or third Ideal. (I guess it would have to be Third, wouldn’t it, cause facing that Truth is what let him activate his Blade. :P) Since he’s now working with the Blade of Marmora, he’d also put that Lightweaving to good use, am I right?

Still, I think I moreso come down on Keith as a Stoneward. In particular, the two epigraphs we have about them are quite telling. From Words of Radiance: “They thought it a point of virtue to exemplify resolve, strength, and dependability. Alas, they took less care for imprudent practice of their stubbornness, even in the face of proven error.” (Can we say Black Paladin Keith, omh child.) Even more telling, from the gems in Oathbringer: “As a Stoneward, I spent my entire life looking to sacrifice myself. I secretly worry that is the cowardy way. The easy way out.” Keith is self-destructive and has strong self-sacrificing tendencies (season 4… >.>). I worry for him as a Stoneward, but damn it all if it doesn’t fit.

Allura - Again, here’s a good candidate for Lightweaver. We’ve seen her keep a lot of secrets in canon–Zarkon’s connection to the Black Lion, the whole story about Zarkon, Honerva, and the rift, ect. Thematically, the episode Crystal Venom is also really poignant as Allura gets caught up in an illusion and has to cut through to the truth beneath the lies to save the team. I think she has a lot of deep Truths she could speak–her desire to be a paladin, her insecurity… The Hunted honestly feels like Allura speaking a Truth. She’s been trying to fake her way through piloting the Blue Lion, hoping if she shows enough confidence it’ll work out, but then she admits that she tries to control things but can’t, and that deepens her bond with Blue. I mean.

She’d also make for a great Edgedancer, especially because she quite literally remembers the people the universe has forgotten. I get the impression from Wyndle that Edgedancers are supposed to be stately, graceful people, and Allura could definitely live up to that, while still having that playful side we’ve seen from Lift, and Allura did basically use Regrowth on the Balmera…. Yeah, she could go either way, honestly. I’m not sure which I prefer.

[ltleflrt]

Because I regard you essentially as royalty in terms of Destiel fic, can you maybe give us a basic rundown on how to write a fic? Or a detailed one, if you want. Like, what is your process? How do you plan it out? How/when do you pick a title? Because I've tried before to write multi-chapter fics and I just end up giving up on it because I either took too long between updates because ya know life and forgot things or because I didn't plan enough and no longer know what I'm doing.

Hold on hold on hold on...

*walks away for a minute and muppet flails*

Okay, I’m back, and thank you for the sweet compliment! :D

So, my process; I have one!  I didn’t used to think so, because it felt chaotic and without form, but as I’ve started helping other people with their writing I’ve started to see a pattern in how I come up with stories and make them happen.

Obviously the first step is the The Idea.  I get them from all over the place.  I’m a daydreamer, so sometimes they just pop up out of the blue, and in a lot of cases they’re inspired by some other media.  A book, a fic, a movie, a song... I think that’s pretty common.  I also have a tendency of looking at my favorite tropes (and I mean REALLY LOOKING, by consuming any and all of it I can find lol) and thinking to myself, “how can I flip that upside down?”.  

Kiss the Baker was the result of reading all the Gay Panic Dean fics I could find and reading them until I started wondering if there would ever be a universe where Dean didn’t have a gay panic.  

The idea for Satin and Sawdust came from the fact that I’ve written two fics tagged “Dean Thinks He’s Heterosexual” and it made me wonder why I never see any Gay Panic Castiel fics.  

Anyway, ideas come from all over.  And they’re fleeting, so I write them all down.  I have a huge list.  Whenever one of those AU lists comes around on my dash I copy my favorites into my list.  It’s very long lol.  Which is good, because sometimes I’ll come up with an idea like “I want to see Cas be the one who thinks he’s het this time” and get stuck.  Like wtf do I do next?

Answer: I refer back to The List.  Because sometimes I can pick out several of those ideas and smush them together.  I took Carpenter!Dean, and Dean Loves Wearing Panties from the list, and scrolled down until I found Veterinarian AU, and I start trying to connect the dots.

Remember in writing classes in Jr High and High School we were taught to make those bubble charts?  You write something in a bubble, and then branch off bubbles around it?  I do that in my head.  I start making things connect.  I cross out things that won’t fit.  I have a special file for whatever story idea I’m working on and it looks vaguely like an outline because it’s that list of ideas with notes for ideas, or snippets of conversation.  If I chat about it with my friends (almost always @jupiterjames) I’ll copy/paste those conversations into that file.  I’ll list songs... anything that gives me a feel for what’s starting to form.  If I have any title ideas they’ll go in there too.

Speaking of titles, THEY’RE HARD.  I hate them.  Occasionally something will pop in my head before I even start working on the fic, and I swear that angels sing when that happens.  But for the most part I have to brainstorm and brainstorm, and get advise from friends, and I google quotes about themes I think my story will encompass.  It’s a struggle.  My least favorite part of the writing process next to connecting large plot points lol.  But I’ve gotta have a title before I post it, so I’ll have something by the time I’m done with the first chapter.  

Just for funsies, here’s my notes file for Satin and Sawdust.

Anywho, that’s all the developing stuff.  I don’t actually go into the notes file all that much afterwards.  When I have big gaps between chapters I will, plus I’ll re-read everything I’ve written already.  But I hold quite a bit of that junk in my head. If you’re having problems remembering, make the file!  Visit it often!

Believe it or not, at this point, the story is still pretty nebulous.  I’ll usually have several directions the story can take at different junctions, and I don’t think too hard about them until I get there.  I think about my stories in more detail a chapter at a time.  I focus on a single scene, or the small group of scenes that are related enough to put in a single chapter.  I zero in on those details and forget about what’s going to come afterwards.  

Breaking down the larger idea into smaller chunks is the only way I can work myself through a 100k+ beast without going mad.  And honestly, I still drive myself a little crazy.  I have to stop looking at the big picture, or I’ll give up just because the idea is too overwhelming.

Once I’ve got a chapter done, then I take a few days and I start considering the cloudy visions in my head and pluck out the scene I think needs to come next.  It usually takes me 2-4 days of contemplation before I’m ready to sit down and make words happen again.  Writing a 4k-8k chapter takes me 2-3 days.  So between the contemplation break and the actual writing, I take about a week.  

Life definitely gets in the way sometimes.  When I was in the middle of Addicted To You, I had reconstructive surgery on my face.  I was doped up on super strong pain meds and couldn’t wear my glasses for almost a month.  So obviously I took some time off, and I was SO MISERABLE (seriously, don’t break your face, it’s the worst) that I couldn’t even think about the story, much less writing.  When I felt well enough to get back to it I re-read what I had already twice, plus went over my notes file, plus I listened to all the dirty sex songs I could find to get my mind back into the groove for it.  It felt like doing homework, but it was the only way I could remember wtf I was doing.  I’m sure I lost some of my initial plans, but that’s normal with any story I work on.  And it turned out okay lol

And last of all, find someone who’ll let you ramble at them about your stories.  Someone who will genuinely pay attention, not just nod and smile.  I did a lot of writing on my own, but a lot of my Dragon Age and Mass Effect fics wouldn’t exist without @hot-elf being my sounding board and cheerleader.  And same goes for my Supernatural fics and @jupiterjames.  I would probably have written just a tiny fraction of my stories if it weren’t for them.  Chatting about my stories helps me develop my ideas, and keeps me motivated.  When I’m stressed I’ll send a chapter to JJ with just a request to Validate Me! and she always knows how to talk me out of my angst.  I will talk out my ideas with other people as well, but they’ve been the biggest influences on my writing, so THANKS LADIES I LOVE YOU! 

Writing Buddies Are The Best.  

Anyway, that’s about all I have to say about my process.  I hope it answered all your questions and gave you some ideas on how to work on your own stuff.  And if you ever have an idea you want to talk about, feel free to send me chat messages :D

[not-poignant]

This might be a little personal but do you have any tips on how to deal with bad days? I've been struggling with depressive episodes lately being so tired I can't get shit done.

Hiya anon,

Depressive episodes area the worst. I don’t know if I have any real tips, since the thing that helped me most with my depressive episodes were an effective anti-depressant (and I struggled for like 20 years for one of those, since most anti-depressants are ineffective when I take them). And then therapy. And obviously both of those things aren’t actually possible to access for everyone. (And caveat that if you’re feeling suicidal in an actionable way, please call a helpline / hospital or similar, because you shouldn’t have to deal with that level of anguish alone and without professionals).

(Content warning for under the read more: aside from frank discussion of depression and suicidal ideation, I also mention self-harm briefly).

Otherwise... idk, I’ve actually been doing a Chronic Conditions management course lately, over the past few months. And it’s been pretty helpful when looking at the psychological effects of living with chronic illnesses (basically people who have chronic illnesses are way more likely to have anxiety and/or depression, but obviously trying to deal with either of those things when you have chronic illnesses in the first place is really hard).

One of the things I found really interesting, were the underarousal/overarousal cycle, which none of my doctors had ever taught me about before. Underarousal, which leads to depression and depressive episodes is a self fulfilling cycle. Meaning that, if you don’t gently do the opposite of ‘nothing’ you will eventually just get worse and worse. It doesn’t tend to just go away on its own.

However most people think the opposite of nothing is like... too much. Even if they plan for nice things, it’s still too much.

This course has been pretty clear that you have to start small, like... try and do a pleasurable thing a day. That pleasurable thing could be making a cup of tea. That’s it. Not like, writing a book, or making music, or whatever. Just...make some tea. Or coffee. Get up and boil a kettle and put some stuff in it and go lie down again and sip at it and focus on its warmth in your hands and the way it tastes and how it feels to know you did that for yourself. Just...try and do a pleasurable thing every day. It doesn’t even have to feel pleasurable in the moment, it just has to be something that you would have experienced as pleasurable pre-depression.

And if you’re feeling especially daring, try three pleasurable things a day. A whole three!

Anyway, this is just one method of a thousand, but what was most radical to me about it, was that these professors and so forth who are running the course made sure that in an underarousal/depressive cycle, the emphasis is on pleasurable activities and not just ‘activities’ (they do suggest light physical activity at some point, but reiterate over and over again that too many people tend to do too much too soon, and the most important thing is to start little, and to be as consistent as possible, and also patient with yourself when it’s not consistent and to keep trying).

The other thing they suggest is a list of pleasurable things for good days, and a list of pleasurable things for bad days (that shouldn’t have been as shocking to me as it is, but I’d never actually considered this before). So on good days, writing 1000 words, making a playlist, going for a walk, all things I can manage. On bad days, none of them are: but I can probably make a single cup of tea, I might be able to shower, and there’s a chance I can sit outside with an apple and eat it. And telling myself I’m doing these things to help myself feel better again, is actually way more helpful than just making myself a cup of tea mindlessly and not thinking about it.

I mean you don’t feel like doing anything, anon, I feel that, but you took the time to write this message. That’s a big deal. Tbh, it’s one of the things that would count as a valid ‘activity’ in this course. And it would count as a big thing, and not a small one.

As for me, idk, I have like... a vague list of things I like to do when I’m depressed, or things are bad. And also a list of things I try not to indulge. My list might not help you, but I do know that...trying to stick to a regular sleep schedule for me was important, because I have quite severe hypersomnia alternating with insomnia, meaning I can sleep a lot all the time, and then not at all, all the time. And it fucks me up. So now I try and wake up at 9.00am every morning regardless, and then nap once in the afternoon (my chronic illnesses won’t let me stay awake for a while day). Scheduling the nap helps because it gives me something to look forward to if I’m having a ‘tired day.’

Other things are like...trying to get out of my head a bit. I do some OBOD study (Druidry study) because researching about magic and nature sometimes gives me tiny bursts of energy that allow me to think ‘maybe life isn’t so bad’ (i.e. that’s what I do with that tiny burst of energy but sometimes that’s enough lol). I might do some art. I play Stardew Valley a lot - when I wore a Fitbit, that game was the only thing guaranteed to drop my heartrate down by about a consistent 15-20 beats per minute. So it relaxes me and still engages my brain.

Also, for me now, I’m...trying to become more zen about the fact that depression and illness take time. That fixing them is not about a single event you do that feels good, but about hundreds of those events over time. And about maintaining them during the good times. And that’s really hard. I got really close last year to doing some really stupid things to myself (and I already self-harm, so I’m not including that) and coming out of that sort of changed me and the way I think about myself, since I’d always identified strongly as like ‘a person with PTSD’ and that was the first time it was like no, I’m a person with PTSD who has major depressive episodes that need separate, emergency treatment.

Since then, I’ve kind of felt lucky to both a) be alive and b) keep trying to find small things to keep me going (and a year later, feel tentatively strong enough to start ‘scheduled’ work again). I now try and think of it this way: a bad day isn’t actually a bad thing. It’s a normal product of my illness. That’s all it is. I can attach the word ‘bad’ to it and somehow feel guilty I ‘didn’t do enough’ but that’s as absurd and irrational as a person with damaged lungs feeling guilty that their good days didn’t heal their damaged lungs. No, my brain will always be broken, to a point, even with chemical help. My ‘energy’ or ‘good mental health’ days will not heal my brain chemistry. So...now I call them ‘tired days’ or ‘sad days.’ Or I’m trying to, I forget all the time.

Tired days aren’t bad, they’re just there. The most important thing I can do is try not to let them run roughly over my routines, and destroy everything I’ve set up for myself to survive in the first place. So you know - a list of things I can maybe manage on tired days. A care plan. People I can contact (even though I probably won’t). Reminding myself gently that it says nothing about my worth as a person even as I feel I have no worth as a person, even that, itself, is just part of the ‘bad day.’ It’s a symptom of my illness. And then also putting in place a list of things to do for yourself on good days, and I don’t mean like ‘shopping’ or whatever (though those things are important) ->

I mean...if you don’t have energy to maintain your self-worth on the worst days, make a point of spending about 5-10 minutes maintaining your self-worth on the good days, when you have more energy to sustain it. On the good days, take some minutes here and there to look at your care plan, your support network, and see what you might be able to use on the worst days, and what you know you can’t. <3 Don’t save that kind of hard work for the fatigue days, and maybe you don’t, but I fall into this habit all the time, lol. ‘Oh I’ll do that self care stuff later pfft.’ It’s always when I feel the worst that I think of doing it, but that’s actually in some ways the worst time to be doing it - that’s the time when I already needed it there to lean on. Like, it will always help more to do that hard work mentally on the days when you have the energy to put things in place for yourself.

And those things might sound easy or simple to people who don’t have depressive episodes and find it easy to snap themselves out of it by like, idk, listening to a cheerful song or something, but anyone who has them knows how hard it is to put these things in place. And I have so much sympathy for that. I wish I could box up some energy and self-care and hope and give it to you anon. The only way I know through this is the slow and steady and not very linear way. Time has helped a lot, and a philosophy of ‘gentleness’ alongside ‘gentle structure.’ (I.e. my alarm in the morning to get me up, but also the gentleness to let myself sleep in 20 minutes).

But something I do know, that gives me hope, is that even with all of this going on, anon, you reached out to someone. You’re still trying on your bad days. You did at least one ‘activity’ that was designed to help you. And that is the very thing - with time, and accumulative effects - that will help you with your depressive episode. It just...unfortunately in the moment, doesn’t lift a person out of a bad day. I wish I did. I mean I really wish it did.

Yeah, I wish I had better answers? Ultimately depression is a whole lot of suffering and almost no energy to deal with that suffering, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. But I have faith in you, anon. *offers hugs and a blanket fort*