#(the opening instrumental is supposed to have the first 5 receiving their Spirits while eventually landing on Takuya like That)

[izzyizumi]

Digimon Frontier ~ AMV PREVIEW “ Warriors ” { Opening #5 from Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters }

In the wavering facade, our { WISH } is eternally endless

To live unnoticed, I deserted a happiness That was relying { with pretense } on, ... and { dancing } to what was merely an illusion

At the edge of my sight with { MY EYES CLOSED },

I was searching for --- { your smiling face --- }

We embrace our dreams and run through the wavering facade, that's right This thought --- ( that I've kept shut in my chest since some other day, I'll grip it once more NOW ... )

Me: “ What if I try remaking one of the ACTUALLY very FIRST Digimon AMVs i ever made literally pre 2010 fandom days ”

ALSO Me: “ ... AMV Making takes Time but Have This ”

[rosethornewrites]

Fic: the thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break, ch. 6

Relationships: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī & Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī & Wēn Qíng, Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī/Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn

Characters: Lán Zhàn | Lán Wàngjī, Wèi Yīng | Wèi Wúxiàn, Wēn Qíng, Wēn Níng | Wēn Qiónglín, Granny Wēn, Lán Yuàn | Lán Sīzhuī

Additional Tags: Pre-Slash, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Secrets, Crying, Masks, Soulmates, Truth, Self-Esteem Issues, Regret, It was supposed to be a one-shot, Fix-It, Eventual Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, wwx needs a hug, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Filial Piety, Handfasting, Phobias, Sleeping Together, Fear, Panic Attacks, Love Confessions, Getting Together, Phobias

Summary: When Wei Ying wakes, they have a long-overdue conversation.

Note: See end.

AO3 link

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5

———

Lan WangJi stirs naturally at mao shi, confused by the feeling of someone against him at first. Wei Ying is still curled in his arms, his face pressed against his chest, one hand fisted in his robes. 

When he tries to disentangle himself, it’s more difficult than expected. He finds Wei Ying’s other hand is clinging to a lock of his hair, and both fists tighten at the movement.

Then Wei Ying stirs, jerking back immediately and yelping, “Dog!” as though still trapped in his panic of the night before.

Lan WangJi finds himself pulled part way with him, as Wei Ying neglects to release his hair.

“Eliminated, Wei Ying,” he says softly, watching the bleariness of sleep slowly fade from his eyes.

Thankfully, the remnants of last night’s panic fade with it, and Wei Ying lets go of his hair, wincing in sympathy as he realizes he’s pulled it.

“Sorry,” he murmurs.

“There is no need, between us,” Lan WangJi gently reminds him. “I did not realize you were afraid of dogs.”

Wei Ying flinches, and he realizes the fear is strong enough that he reacts to just the word.

“Wei Ying?”

He keeps his tone soft, a request, but one that can be ignored if he so wishes. Instead Wei Ying sighs, and reaches down to pull up a leg of his trousers, revealing flesh marred by old scars.

“The other one is the same,” he says. “And they go higher. Living on the streets means fighting dogs for food. You learn pretty quick they’re mean.”

“How long?” Lan WangJi asks, trying to keep the horror from his voice. 

Wei Ying shrugs, rolling his trousers back down. 

“I don’t remember. A few years. I didn’t keep much track of time. Too young when my parents died, and no one really knows exactly when that was.”

He can see Wei Ying shiver, and wraps the blanket around him.

“It’s only mao,” he tells him. “You can sleep longer.”

That gets a grimace. “Not likely to sleep. Even if you got rid of that damn thing. I’m surprised it didn’t give me nightmares.”

“Of your childhood?”

Lan WangJi knew he had cried out about dogs in his fevered sleep, but that was during a fever. Though, perhaps, after trauma…

Wei Ying shakes his head. 

“I never told you. In Nightless City, when Wen Chao took me for ‘questioning’...”

He trails off, his mouth a thin line, and draws the blanket around him tighter.

“When I didn’t have information on the missing Yin Iron he put me in qi-suppressing chains and tossed me in the dungeon, in a cell with a very hungry dog. So big its teeth were level with my face.”

Wei Ying smiles, but it’s without mirth.

“Said if I was still alive in the morning, all would be forgiven.”

Given what had happened only hours ago, Lan WangJi doubts Wei Ying, even with his qi, could have fought effectively. Wen Chao wouldn’t have known of his crippling fear, but had not expected him to survive regardless.

He remembers that morning, the blood on Wei Ying’s skin, the rips in his clothing, and his show of flippancy. But he also remembers he had been quieter after that, putting on a mask of carelessness, but also careful to toe the line.

Suddenly Wei Ying’s fear of dogs in the delirium of fever has a new context.

“You survived,” Lan WangJi comments.

Wei Ying laughs shortly. 

“Only thanks to Wen Ning. He knocked it out with needles, and gave me energy boosting medicine and herbs to stop the bleeding. I was able to save some of the herbs. That’s why I had them in the cave.”

For a moment, silence stretches between them, and Lan WangJi reflects on the scene Wei Ying had caused at the banquet, his anger and grief at Qiongpi Path. Wen Ning, who had also saved Jiang Cheng from Wen Chao after the fall of Lotus Cove, who had sheltered them.

Wen Ning, who the Jins and many of the other sects would, and had, happily killed. Just as, he suspects, they would Wei Ying, particularly with the prize of the Stygian Tiger Seal. Jin Guangshan’s obsession with it bothers Lan WangJi, with his zhiji now unprotected by a sect, alienated from the cultivation world.

“I would have died in that dungeon,” Wei Ying comments, “a warning to all of you to behave, if he hadn’t stepped in.”

Lan WangJi tries not to imagine it, but he can, all too easily. Instead of Wei Ying joining the line at indoctrination and complaining of hunger and boasting of his glorious scars, his corpse being dragged to be dumped in front of them.

Wei Ying’s death would have crushed him, he thinks. With his brother missing and father and uncle injured, his sect decimated, the promise to Lan Yi broken… to lose Wei Ying at that point would have destroyed what was left of his sanity.

Lan WangJi, too, owes a tremendous debt to Wen Ning.

“But maybe they wouldn’t have attacked Lotus Pier, then.”

It’s barely a whisper, one so filled with grief and guilt Lan WangJi is reaching for his arm, gripping it through the blanket, before he realizes it, imaginings of Wei Ying’s bloody body in various states of brokenness on the steps of Nightless City haunting his mind. He can feel the tension in his body, as though Wei Ying is on the verge of shattering.

“Wei Ying. They would have attacked regardless.”

“They were just going to make it a supervisory office at first. If I was punished.”

Lan WangJi isn’t sure he wants to know what that entailed, but he asks anyway.

“Punished?”

Wei Ying shrugs. “My hand. It would’ve prevented the massacre. I think Madam Yu was going to do it, too. But then they mentioned Lotus Cove becoming the supervisory office.”

He feels a chill at the idea of Wei Ying mutilated like that, of having never heard him play the dizi, of the pain he would have accepted for the sake of others. This image, so quickly on the heels of the previous… He knows Wei Ying would have given his core anyway, even with such an injury. 

“Wei Ying, they only would have started with your hand,” he says softly. “They would have come back and wanted more.”

He receives no response, and he knows nothing he says will convince Wei Ying that the fall of Lotus Pier, the deaths of the disciples and Jiang FengMian and Yu ZiYuan, perhaps even the war itself… None of it was his fault. Worse, he knows Wei Ying would feel any loss on his part would be acceptable, that Wei Ying always feels thus.

But he can’t help himself, and can only try anyway.

“You lost enough in the war, Wei Ying. Wen RuoHan was to blame for the fall of Lotus Pier, not you. Likely he was only defeated because of your contribution and sacrifices.”

Wei Ying had been avoiding looking at him, but his gaze lifts to meet his finally. His eyes shine as though he is on the verge of tears, and there’s a tightness in his jaw. He had this look months ago, during the hunt when Jiang YanLi defended him publicly against the ugly accusations of Jin ZiXun. He truly isn’t used to being defended, to being valued.

Lan WangJi takes a moment to collect himself, to find words. 

“I wish you had not suffered as much as you did. I wish you did not suffer still. You do not deserve to suffer, Wei Ying.”

Normally he would expect Wei Ying to be flippant, to make light of everything, but for once his zhiji has let himself be open. Lan WangJi can only hope it means he has regained his trust, but it could simply be the early hour and weariness following the panic of the dog spirit. 

“‘A candle illuminates others at the cost of burning itself up.’” He tightens his hold on his arm. “You cannot shoulder the burdens of the world yourself. Let me help you.”

Silence stretches between them for a short while.

“Lan Zhan, do you think you can help me?”

A year ago, the question would have been asked in a hard voice, defensive. Now, Wei Ying’s voice is so small, as though he wonders if anyone can help him. It tears at Lan WangJi, reminds him of how very late he is, reminds him of when he asked Wei Ying to let him help before, and failed to see it through.

He can find no words to answer; instead, he decides to let his guqin speak, let the music speak, and hope his zhiyin truly understands. He lets go of Wei Ying’s arm and manifests his guqin, begins the gentle melody of “WangXian.”

Wei Ying relaxes by increments as he plays, easing to lean back against the wall of the cave. Lan WangJi runs through the song twice, then stills the strings, dismisses the instrument, and waits quietly.

“I remember where I heard that now,” Wei Ying says, breaking the silence left in the wake of the music. “The cave. After we fought the XuanWu. You sang for me.”

“Yes. You were ill from your injuries, from infection.”

Wei Ying hums softly, his eyes closed as though remembering.

“I think I asked what it was called, but I don’t remember the answer. I must have passed out.”

So he truly hadn’t heard; his behavior upon his reappearance had been unconnected to what Lan WangJi had thought was his confession.

“You were delirious with fever,” he tells him, hedging. “Do you know the significance of the Lan forehead ribbon?”

Wei Ying frowns at him, clearly confused by what appears to him to be a change of subject, peering at him through the dusky gloom of the cave.

“Something about restraint. No one’s supposed to touch it.”

Lan WangJi sighs softly.

“‘To regulate oneself,’ more precisely. Only family and cultivation partners are permitted to touch it.”

There’s a minute change in Wei Ying’s expression, but he can’t quite see well enough in the dim lighting to tell what it is. He pulls a talisman from his sleeve and activates it, lighting the candles that line the cave on small juts in the stone.

“Do you remember the Cold Spring cave?” he asks, pressing on, watching his face.

Wei Ying is silent, but his brows knot. It takes less than a minute for him to realize, his lips parting in shock.

“We bowed,” Wei Ying whispers, his voice hoarse. “That was a handfasting? I didn’t know. You never said.”

Lan WangJi doesn’t know how to reply, so says nothing.

“Why didn’t you?” Wei Ying looks confused now. “It’s not… We never… You can have it annulled.”

He tries to find the words, anything that would help him convey what he means, but speaking is not his forte, especially with Wei Ying trying to point out the marriage is technically not valid because it was never consummated, which isn’t the path his mind needs to embark on at the moment.

“I did not wish to,” Lan WangJi finally says. “I still do not.”

Wei Ying stares at him, looking frozen, as though the words have paralyzed him. He still looks confused, uncertain. Lan WangJi returns to the music.

“The title of the song is ‘WangXian.’”

Wei Ying’s reaction is a small intake of air, almost a gasp. Emotions flit across his face too fast to decipher, before he hides it in the blanket.

“Lan Zhan.”

His voice is muffled and rough.

“I can’t cultivate to immortality anymore, Lan Zhan. The resentful energy… you were right, when you said it harms the body and mind. I don’t know if I’ll even… if I’ll even have a mediocre lifespan. I’ll leave you.”

Nowhere in what he has said, Lan WangJi realizes, is a rejection. Rather, it’s an attempt to convince him that Wei Ying isn’t good enough, isn’t worthy. To remind him that Wei Ying accepted a shorter lifespan and pain to help his brother. As though his selflessness would ever make him unworthy. 

Lan WangJi reaches out, grasps Wei Ying’s arm under the blanket again. It is still painful to be reminded of the fleeting time they’ll have, but at the same time it makes what he has to say more important, makes the idea of wasting any more devastating.

“Then I will find you again in your next life, and every life thereafter if necessary,” he promises.

He recognizes the sound Wei Ying makes in response as a choked sob, and pulls him close, into his arms.

“You deserve better,” Wei Ying mumbles against him, still hiding his face. “I’m not—”

“Wei Ying,” he interrupts, not willing to hear his zhiji put himself down. “I want only you.”

Wei Ying’s breath hitches, and he finally looks up, his face wet, his lips trembling. Lan WangJi abandons decorum, reaching to card one hand in the hair below his ear, curling his fingers at the nape of his neck, and leaning in to kiss him.

This first kiss is clumsy, as he isn’t quite sure what one is supposed to do with one’s lips, and it doesn’t seem Wei Ying is entirely clear on it either—but Wei Ying is reciprocating. He’s reciprocating, and Lan WangJi’s heart sings with the understanding that this is truly not rejection.

When he pulls back, Wei Ying looks startled, flushed, maybe even shy. But he doesn’t seem to be crying anymore, which Lan WangJi counts as a win.

He finds himself relieved when Wei Ying softly teases him, that he’s moved away from the brooding and seriousness that has plagued him since they woke. He’s been pulled out of his melancholy depression, and there’s a kind of power there—Lan WangJi did that.

“You stole my first kiss,” he murmurs, his voice almost coy. “You’ll have to take responsibility.”

“Mm,” he agrees. “I did when we were fifteen.”

Wei Ying’s startled laugh is like music to him, and he pulls him gently down onto the pallet to kiss him more.

All else can wait.

-----------------

AND THEY WERE HUSBANDS. I’ve been thinking about this chapter for a couple weeks now. Glad it’s finally written.

“A candle illuminates others at the cost of burning itself up” is a Chinese proverb I felt fit in this situation.

[duhragonball]

Dragon Ball GT Retrospective (4/7)

[Note: This was originally written on January 13,2013.  I embedded YouTube videos on each part, including several Evanescence AMVs, but Tumblr won’t cooperate with that for some reason.   Just look them up yourself.]

Today I'd like to talk about the Super 17 Saga.  It sucks, but it's short.   Man, there's an Evanescence AMV for this too?  I'm starting to see why that Daredevil movie was so poorly received.  Starring Ben Affleck!   Soundtrack by Every Fifteen-Year-Old on YouTube!

From what I've read, Episode 41 was supposed to have been the finale of Dragon Ball GT, but the show got renewed and so it chugged along for another 23 installments.  I don't know if the post-Baby storylines were rushed, per se, but it does sort of feel like Toei was caught flat-footed.   For one thing, the opening credits still kept using the same animations of Goku, Pan, and Trunks flying around in space, looking for Black Star Dragon Balls, and fighting Baby.  Well, the outer space adventures are over, the Black Star Dragon Balls are gone, and Baby's friggin' dead.  Hell, Trunks even gets kicked out of the main cast.   From here on out It's all Goku and Pan with a little Vegeta now and then.   Also, I think the Super 17 Saga feels like a kneejerk reaction.  "They ordered more shows, what do we do?   Shit... uh, let's just bring back all the bad guys from the old series!"   For a Dragon Ball Z fan, watching GT for the first time is like getting whiplash because they kept switching the premise around.   The whole point of the first two dozen episodes was that they were abandoning the DBZ formula and trying to do old school Kid Goku stories in outer space.  Then they spend another dozen episodes setting up a Goku vs. Vegeta fight with new power-ups.   By Episode 42, the series has given up any ambition of offering a distinct flavor or vision.   It's settled into a rut of doing lame comedy and watered-down superhero fights.   So first off, Episode 41 is about the latest World Martial Arts Tournament.   Goku used to compete in these things, but after he won the tournament he let everything that happened in DBZ distract him from the event, and during that time Mr. Satan became the multi-time World Champion.   The gag with Mr. Satan is that he has no super powers whatsoever, and while he's a brilliant martial artist, he only dominates the competition because all the super-fighters lost interest in the event.  By the end of DBZ, Goku and Mr. Satan's kids got married, so now they rig the tournament like some kind of kung fu mafia: Whoever wins the tournament has to fight Mr. Satan to actually claim the championship, and that person always agrees to take a dive.  By the end of DBZ, the Z-fighters are comfortable letting Mr. Satan serve as a figurehead hero to the people of Earth, while they do all the actual daysaving.  By the GT-era, Satan is now in his mid-fifties, and feels comfortable retiring and passing the torch to someone new.   He tries to rig the event so his grandaughter Pan can win, but she withdraws for fear that she'll be required to wear his ring gear and mustache if she wins.   Goku wanted to compete, but Mr. Satan convinces him to fight in the junior division because he's too short.   Ultimately, it's Uub who wins the tournament, but at the last moment he freezes and Mr. Satan actually eliminates him cleanly.  The reasons for this are complicated, and so I gotta explain Majin Buu.   The final bad guy of Dragon Ball Z was Majin Buu, a genie who could absorb the personalities and traits of his enemies.   This ability eventually caused him to split into two Buus, a good fat Buu and an evil version who went on to be the main villain.  The good Buu made friends with Mr. Satan, and was instrumental in preserving his stranglehold on the World Championship.   The evil Buu was killed by Goku, who wished that he could be reincarnated as a good guy so they could fight again.   Goku's wish came true, and the evil Buu was indeed reincarnated as a young human boy named "Uub" (get it?).   Goku quickly took the boy as his student so he could train him for a rematch and groom him as his successor.   You'd expect that Uub would have been a major player in Dragon Ball GT, but instead he barely ever shows up, and when he did finally make his big move to stop Baby he got his ass kicked.   Fortunately for him, the good Majin Buu stepped in and recombined with Uub, transforming him into "Majuub".   Majuub still got his ass kicked by Baby, but at least he made him work for it.   The point of all this is that Majuub consciously wanted to beat Mr. Satan for the World title, but unconsciously, the part of him that was once Mr. Satan's BFF wanted to let his old pal have the glory one last time.   This is sort of a problem with DBGT.  I meant the show has tons and tons of problems, but this is one that I think deserves more attention.   There's a certain fatalism to the series, because even if it isn't the final act for these characters, they're all older and half of them got 9-to-5 jobs and so forth, so it's clear that things are winding down.   To that end, it makes sense that GT would see the deaths of some of the major characters, but they're all kind of cheap death scenes.  Majin Buu doesn't die so much as he just merges with another iteration of himself.   Mr. Satan misses him, but only because he doesn't understand what's happened.   Piccolo dies, but it was a stupid and pointless sacrifice as I explained last time.   In any event, he shows up later on in the afterlife, so it's not like he's actually gone.   Then there's Krillin, but I don't want to get ahead of myself.   Mr. Satan retaining his title is a variation on the theme.    He talks about retiring, but when the moment arrives, he can't bring himself to step out of the limelight.   In a similar vein, one could argue that Dragon Ball GT should have been mainly about Uub and Pan as the successors to Goku and Gohan, but Goku just couldn't walk away from the action.   Anyway, with that business resolved, the Super 17 Saga can get started.   Basically, it's like the Batman stories where a bunch of villains break out of Arkham Asylum, except all the worst offenders in Dragon Ball are dead, so they have to literally escape from hell.  The plan begins when Dr. Myuu is recruited by Dr. Gero.  Again, it really feels like Toei was just trying to come up with something on the fly, and they decided Gero and Myuu's resemblance was a feature instead of a bug.    Myuu designed the Machine Mutants in the early episodes of GT, and Dr. Gero created the android villains in DBZ.   They're both doctors and they both wear silly hats and long, bushy mustaches.  Also, both of them were betrayed.   Gero was killed when Android 17 turned on him, while Myuu was killed by his creator Baby.   Gero's plan is to work together with Myuu to correct that whole "betrayal" thing that made Android 17 backfire.   Android 17 is still alive on Earth, but if the two doctors build another Android 17 in hell, they can.... harmonize their subspace... tachyons.... resonance.   Something.   All I know is they somehow managed to build an exact duplicate of 17 in hell, so apparently they have hardware stores in hell.   Dragon Ball has never been very consistent about how hell works.   In theory, a dead bad guy is stripped of his corporeal form and he languishes in hell as a disembodied spirit until he's finally allowed to be reincarnated in a new identity.    That's why Frieza can't just beat everyone up and conquer the afterlife.   But Toei always liked the idea of dead bad guys stirring up trouble, so they kept depicting them with their bodies in hell, complete with their full powers.  Dr. Gero was a cyborg, and I think they let him keep his robot body in hell, even though Frieza didn't get to keep his own cyborg implants.   Go figure.   For that matter, I'm pretty sure Dr. Myuu is purely mechanical, so I'm not convinced he'd even be in hell to begin with.    But somehow he and General Rildo are there.    So if Machine Mutants have souls, why isn't Baby there with the other villains?   He's the strongest one, so wouldn't it make more sense to rebuild a stronger version of Baby and use him in the big revenge plan?  Realistically, Toei probably left Baby out deliberately because they just killed him off, but that's why you don't do a story like this right after killing off a major villain. The point of all of this is that "Hell Fighter 17" and "Not Dead Yet 17" are mentally linked because they're basically the same unit in two bodies.   They both fire some sort of energy beam in unison, and this allows them to open a portal connecting Hell and Earth.   It's just sort of implied that the original Android 17 was mind-controlled for all of this, because he's the guy who sent Dr. Gero to hell in the first place, so I doubt he'd willingly endorse a plan to help him get out.   Gero and Myuu send a bunch of dead villains to invade Earth, and they issue a challenge to Goku: Come fight Cell and Frieza in Hell, or we'll send them to Earth too to make the situation even worse.   Goku is eager for a rematch with his old archenemies, even though he's gotten far, far stronger while they've been puttering around the afterlife all this time.   He stupidly flies through the portal, only for Gero and Myuu to close it from the outside.   So now Goku's trapped in Hell and most of his enemies are  causing trouble on Earth.   One of the first episodes of GT I ever saw was #43, because it came on a bonus DVD packaged with a strategy guide for a DBZ videogame.  This was the episode where Goku fights Cell and Frieza in Hell, and I guess they put it on the DVD because it seemed like the best possible choice to promote the new show to DBZ fans.  Cell's my favorite character in the show, so this has gotta be good, right?   Well I watched the episode and quickly realized that GT sucks ass.   First of all, it's been 43 episodes and Goku's still stuck as a child.   He can turn into a Super Saiyan 4 and blow Cell and Frieza away in one hit, but he never does this.   Hell, he could annihilate them in one of the lower Super Saiyan forms.    But this is GT, and GT-logic demands that any preliminary fight be fought in base-form.   Never mind that Goku had to go Super Saiyan the first time he fought these guys.   Now he's fighting them at the same time, with a smaller body, and he wants to do it in normal form.   Frieza and Cell act like they're gonna curbstomp Goku because they have scary new ghost powers, and they can't be killed themselves because they're already dead.   But the reality is that Goku makes them look like idiots because he won't even bother powering up to fight them.  Up your ass, Dragon Ball GT.   At one point, Cell tries to absorb Goku with his scorpion tail, which doesn't even make sense because Cell only absorbs Androids whole, and he doesn't need to absorb anything anymore because he's in his final form.   Goku simply forces his way out of Cell's ass.   Later, Goku defeats Cell and Frieza using a snowblower.   I wish I was kidding.  It's some kind of magic snow blower, designed to freeze dead people, but it's still stupid.  Cell deserved better.   Meanwhile on Earth, the other bad guys get their asses destroyed because they're all incredibly outclassed by the good guys.  Seriously, most of the villains from Dragon Ball were just mercenaries in helicopters and shit.   They were fine at the time, but now all the good guys can throw mountains and shoot lasers from their hands.  They're treated like cannon fodder, and rightfully so, but it kind of makes you wonder what the point of all this was.   I always appreciated the fact that DBZ villains have to die because they're obsolete after their first loss.  The good guys always train and get stronger, so if they were to come back for revenge they'd just be at an even bigger disadvantage.   It's kind of neat to see Nappa come back and confront Vegeta for killing him, except Vegeta's like a thousand times stronger than he was the first time he killed him.   The lame thing is that a handful of the villains might have had a chance, but Toei screwed them over.   Trunks and Goten shoot down Android 19 with hand energy.   Well, fine, they're probably strong enough to do that, except #19 was built with the power to absorb energy blasts.  If a good guy kicked his head off or something I'd be fine with it, but they went for the one quick-kill scenario that made the least amount of sense.  Captain Ginyu can switch bodies, so if he played his cards right he could trade up and be a contender again.   I don't think they even used him in the story, though.  A lot of these guys would have been better off running away from the battle and hiding out somewhere.   I mean, if you're a human bad guy, you could just slip away in the confusion and if you can stay out of trouble for a few days, you're home free.  You'd think most of these rank and file guys would rather have a new lease on life than revenge on some goofy kid they only met once.   Once the villain army is wrapped up, Gero and Myuu sic Hell Fighter 17 on Vegeta, while the original #17 wanders off and tries to seduce his twin sister, Android #18.   I'm not really sure what his motives are exactly, but he does some sort of hypnotic thing to her, but when Krillin snaps her out of it, he kills him, then attacks 18 when she objects.  Maybe Gero wanted to use 18 in his plan, or this was 17's personality trying to fight his programming, but whatever.   Guess how Vegeta fights Hell Fighter 17.   If you said "base form", congratulations, you understand GT-Logic.   Gero and Myuu summon the other Android 17 to the battle, and they combine them together to make "Super Android 17", a taller, more eyebrow-deficient version.   Super 17 basically no-sells everything, and his secret weapon is that he can absorb energy from his opponents, just like #19 could do, except it actually works.   Vegeta, Trunks, Goten, Gohan, and Majuub all take turns getting their asses kicked, then they finally power up and do it all over again.   I should point out that the original, non-super, one-at-a-time 17 was more than a match for a Super Saiyan back in the day, and yet they all had to try fighting him in base form, just in case it suddenly works this time.  The whole thing is a pointless debacle, because we all know Super 17 is too strong for anyone but Goku to fight, so we're just marking time until he can show up to save the day.   Fortunately, Piccolo has an idea to free Goku, but he's stuck in heaven because he's a good guy.   The guy in charge of that sort of thing refuses to send Piccolo to hell, so Piccolo starts blowing shit up to deserve the punishment.  Once he arrives in hell, Piccolo starts duplicating the Android 17 thing.   He and Dende time their energy beams just right, and that creates a polaron inversion that realigns the warp field coils, allowing Goku to jump back to Earth.  Piccolo is unfortunately stuck in Hell now, but he gets to spend all his free time beating up bad guys, so he's probably happier that way.   Goku finally comes to the rescue and shockingly transforms to fight Super 17.   The only beef here is that he starts out in Super Saiyan.........1, the same form Vegeta used when he got his ass kicked.  After a short warmup, he finally gets down to business and whips out SSJ4.   The weird thing is that Super Saiyan 4 was GT's signature thing, and yet they barely ever let Goku use it.   It's like they were embarrassed or something.  It doesn't really matter anyway, because Super 17 can just absorb Goku's energy no matter how strong he is, so Goku gets beaten just as easily as his weaker allies.   I should point out that, along the way, Super 17 turned on both Dr. Gero and Dr. Myuu.   In Gero's case, Myuu secretly programmed Super 17 to only follow his own orders, but then he later blows up Dr. Myuu in an act of defiance, so it probably would have come to that no matter what.   The only thing that stops Super 17 is his sister. 18 shows up at the critical moment and demands revenge in spite of the odds.  Her rejection of what 17 has become stirs his original personality, and he manages to sabotage himself just enough that Goku can use 18's attack as a diversion and defeat him with a Super Dragon Fist.   For no obvious reason, 18 tears her blouse during this scene.   GT.  Logic.   So the saga ends as it began, with a character taking a dive to let a weaker character win.  Not that I was rooting for Super 17 or anything, but it doesn't really make Goku look special when he can't even fight his own battles.   On the other hand, Android 17 is finally, definitively killed, after years of being in a sort of limbo where no one really knew what had happened to him.  It's really the only death scene they let stick, so I guess I have to give some credit there.   The interface of hell and Earth causes environmental problems, so Goku resolves to find the Dragon Balls and use them to restore the Earth and resurrect Krillin.  Unfortunately, all seven Dragon Balls are cracked.   These are the good old Red Star Dragon Balls, by the way, the ones that don't blow up the Earth when you use them.   At least, they used to be reliable... NEXT: Breakin' my balls

[bucketlistofnfmr-blog-blog]

Post-Ayahuasca Retreat

Feb 8-10, 2019 Day 1 Went to the gym earlier during the day because I needed to release some anxious energy out of my system, I was going into the unknown, and Ayahuasca is a medicinal plant that is known to be strong. I felt this day to be rushed, because I still had to pack and buy a few things before going to Marion’s house. Got to her place, and helped them load up the Ben. I met Greg, Ben, Cori and Matush first. Had a conversation with Ben and Cori inside the car, I told them that I felt that the group we had was going to be a good group. I initially felt that Cori had a very strong armor on, just because I think she noticed that most of the people who were joining we a bit younger than her. The villa was located in Vilafranca de Penedes, and it was so beautiful. A white house, with grape vines outside. Clear blue skies, trees and a green landscape on the horizon. Most of all, it was quiet and out of the city. Upon arriving we met Wayne and Liz, and I immediately felt a good feeling towards them. We moved the house around to setup the place, and after,  Matush, Cori and I all decided to go for a walk since there was still time to do so, and we couldn’t eat anyway. We got into this small forest, and there were trees wrapped in leaves, and it looked so beautiful. I haven’t been in nature for a long time, and I felt so happy to just be there. We had a great and real conversation with each other, and made us all feel comfortable. We went home after this. Shortly afterward, the other participants and other facilitator arrived - Angela, George, Victoria, and Svenja. Total of 12 people - 5 facilitators and 7 participants (5 of us were first timers!) DAY 1 We were asked to change in white around 6:30 pm, as we started the ceremony 8:00 pm. We were given an introduction of what’s to come during the weekend, history of the plant, rules, what to expect (reactions, effects, etc) and other guidelines. I think most of us were anxious to start because we didn’t exactly know what was going to happen. The room was beautifully set up with an altar with some gemstones, pendants, spiritual trinkets, a water station was set up with a cloth in the background, mattresses, pillows and blankets were available for each participant, and a main alter was at the front for our Shamman Greg. Candles were the only source of light in the room. 3 rounds of Ayahuasca were offered, and we were told that we had to give our intention because our intention is as strong as the power of the medicine. My intention for this evening was to connect to my spirit guides and for them to guide me this evening. One by one we went to the altar, when it was my turn, I already informed him that I have a strong tolerance, so he gave me half. Finally all of us were already able to take our first round, and shortly after, the first one to purge was Cori and she had to go to the bathroom as it went through both ends. I was observing everyone, because I also felt that I needed to watch and take care of them because I didn’t know what to expect either. George and I didn’t immediately feel the effect, while the rest were purging, crying and moving a lot already in their areas. I informed Greg that I couldn’t feel it yet, and I might need to take a bit more, and he said to me to wait for a bit because it takes a while for the medicine to take effect. So I did wait for a bit. The first thing I noticed was that the figures on the cloth hung on the altar in front of me was starting to look like a hologram, similar to what I saw with mushrooms. And when I looked at the right side of the room, I could see a formation of lights similar to an outline of a smiling dog, and I couldn’t stop looking at it. Both the snake with a black tongue on the cloth, and this smiling dog. We were informed beforehand that it’s better to be seated to meet the medicine better, and that if we lied on our backs, the effect would be stronger.  So my strategy was to lie down because I couldn’t feel anything, then I closed my eyes, and I started to see rainbow colored geometrical figures similar to domes in a church, but of the sky. It looked like the galaxy but with lines and different dimensions. This is what I saw when I closed my eyes, and when I opened them, I started to see the wooden panels of the ceiling moving, and the room getting bigger. I started to laugh and smile to myself, because I couldn’t decide which one I wanted to see more, the vision my unconscious mind was showing me, or the one in the room. While everyone was purging, there I was feeling ecstasy in this state, because I felt the physical dimensions of reality melt away, and I was actually seeing the universe for how it is suppose to be seen. Through rainbow colors and beautiful geometric patterns with stars. I also felt that time didn’t exist, and I was able to see through the dimensions of my current reality in the past, present and future. After a while, we were offered another round, and Greg asked me how I was feeling. I said to him, “I feel happy” with a cheeky grin on my face, and he said that if I my level was at a 7, how deep would I want to go, and I said deeper, and he said, 20? I said okay. He gave me more than half of the glass, and I took it. As we were going through this night, beautiful music both live and recorded songs were playing in the background. They used spiritual instruments like gongs, tuning forks, bowls, feathers, herb oils. There were also supplementary medicinal plants like rape, wayusa and chingua (??), but I didn’t try any of those during this night. After I took my second round, this was the time I felt myself in “gulay mode” and I couldn’t move. I had to endure and power through it, and I could feel so much going on deep within myself, like there was something brewing from within, and my initial feeling was to resist it because it felt unpleasant, but eventually with the help of the music, and the darkness, I made my first purge. I’ve never felt a purging this smooth, out of all the ones I’ve had in my lifetime. I literally felt like there was something that had to be cleansed from deep within me, and this plant was doing it for me. I had a couple of more purges, and it was a struggle to go to the bathroom as I had to change my tampon. Marion put a clip to my hair during my first purge, and I appreciated that a lot. I have never felt anything as intense as this with all of the other substances I have tried. The music wasn’t the type of music that I was used to with party, but it was beautiful. I could feel how deep every note entered through my body, and how crisp and clean the sounds vibrated through every cell in my body. I also felt other sensations of feeling cold, then feeling too warm. When I was cold, Marion gave me a duvet because I really couldn’t take the cold anymore. After that I lied down again because I just felt like I was out of my body and I couldn’t hold myself up, I don’t know if it because our last meal was at 1 pm, and it was already the wee hours of the morning, or I took a shot at level 20. But I just couldn’t feel my body anymore, and I had 0 to no control over it. Eventually we were woken up to have soup and bread at 4 am, but I couldn’t even sit up straight, and my head was falling. We were asked to put the left hand on top, and I said out of confusion, “I don’t understand what is happening and we need to do.” and some people in the group laughed, and I smiled, Victoria was on my right, and I couldn’t even manage to hold my hand up. One word was asked to be given about how we felt our first experience, and I said, ‘out of body’. I had no appetite at all, and I felt another purge coming up, and I had to step out of the room with my bucket, as I purged the rest of it outside. I came back to the circle to eat just a little bit, but I really couldn’t get myself to do it. I remember feeling so heavy and weak , that I couldn’t even myself to open my eyes, and hold myself up. When we were asked to hold hands, I told Victoria, “I don’t know what is happening right now.” I couldn’t even myself to hold my hand up because I was so weak. After people ate, Angela came to me and said, “I think we need to get you tucked in bed, let me help you.” and the best I could do was give her a nod. It was a struggle to go up the stairs, and Angela tucked me into my bed, but I couldn’t sleep through the entire night. I think this was the come down. DAY 2 But when I got up for breakfast, I felt so energized. It felt like I slept for so long even though I didn’t even get any sleep at all. I felt that my stomach was open, and I was ready to eat and receive food in my belly. We had oats and fresh fruits with honey, not the usual breakfast I am used to, but it was delicious. I had around 3 bowls of it, and I had a good conversation with Marion and Ben outside. After that, I had a one on one conversation with George, and it was really great to connect with people so easily. The people in this group were all loving, awake and open. Then I went inside, and Victoria was having some tea and test, and I decided to join her. I went to the common room, and I saw Wayne, Angela and Ben doing rape. I asked if I could watch and join them. They welcomed me, and I observed how it was done. Ben did it, and I saw that he ended up with tears in his eyes, and Wayne saw my reaction and he made a joke and said, “Having second thoughts now, are we?” And I just laughed, and I decided to go for it anyway. Angela said to me, “Last night when I was looking at you, I kept looking at you in your beautiful white dress and long black hair, Pocahontas.” This made me smile and feel really amazing, because Pocahontas was my favorite Disney Princess when I was a child. Then I said thank you and I appreciated that. I asked her about how Rape was taken, and she explained to me that an intention had to be given prior to doing rape, and asked me if I wanted the blow to be soft, medium or hard. But to err on the safe side, she said that she’s going to do it softly. The process went like this, she would blow in all 4 directions, then we take a breath together, then I hold my breath, the both ends of the pipe will be placed on both my nostrils, then she will blow out the rape into my nose, and I inhale through my mouth so I don’t cough. Then I just blow out the rape into the tissue after, and let the medicine take its effect. Once I have settled, she told me that after that it would be better if I just go outside and not talk to anyone. The intiial hit was quite strong but manageable, but I felt a burning through my sinuses then to my brain, and I felt like I was intensely inside but also outside of my body. I tried to shake it off, but also enjoy, then went outside to meditate and take in the sun. I sat on this rock, and I brought a blanket with me, and it was a beautiful moment I had for myself. After that we had a sharing circle in the garden in the right front side of the house prior to lunch. It was such an amazing experience because all of us were excited to share what happened with each of our journeys. We even made jokes about Wayne’s seat about having first class seats, because he took the cushion from the lazy boy seat, hahaha! Everyone had a good energy, and was just generally and authentically happy. Right after this, lunch was served, and I had lunch with Greg, Victoria and Svenja outside the house. The food was really good, vegetables with coconut curry and basmati rice, I had 3 servings of it. After this, I took a nap, since I didn’t get any sleep the night before. After sometime Liz enters with a chime, and tells us that we were going to have a tea ceremony. And I thought it would already be the ayahuasca ceremony, and said that we just ate, and she mentioned that this doesn’t have a purging effect. We went back to the common area, and the altar was ready. We had a wayusa ceremony, and we were told that this is a tea that opens the heart, so strong emotions might come out, and visions are also given when going through this ceremony. The instruction was, if we were seeing something, we were free to speak about what we were seeing because the vision may not necessarily be for ourselves, but can be meant for another person in the room. This tea ceremony also had 3 rounds,we dove into 3 timelines, the past, present and the future. I didn’t connect or see anything with the past, present, which made me feel a bit left out because I wasn’t seeing anything, while everyone else were speaking about an eagle, a slice of custard, little girls, jewels coming from the sky, a jaguar in the midst, and I was seeing nothing. The most I could see from the past was a photo of me in black and white riding a bike in the garage area of La Vista, but I think it was more of a memory. In the last round however, I started to get the feeling that I was about to cry. I saw the faces of Reece and Sabina, especially during the moments before I left for Spain. The vision and message that I got was that I had to break the cycle of the lack of communication in our family for our generation, otherwise it would get passed on. I also saw myself becoming a mother, and giving my future children the love and support that I didn’t from my parents when I was a child. I felt that I had so much love to give to them, but to the rest of the world too. I saw the version of myself in the future of healing other people’s pain, and giving them love to. I saw myself sending, giving and sharing love to those who needed it the most, to awaken that part of themselves that deserves this. As all this was happening, I couldn’t stop the tears from coming out of my eyes. I could feel this strong and powerful waves of love in my heart and it just had to come out and share its magnificence to others. It was so overwhelming, that’s why I had to release it through tears.

Before we knew it, the wayusa tea ceremony was over, and it was already night time. We ended the ceremony by asking the spirit of wayusa to keep the gifts we received stored in a safe space within ourselves and thanked her for these gifts. We then proceeded to have a sound ceremony with “Ohm” and we were shown how to do the chant, and that we would all do it simultaneously. It was similar to the sound of the earth, and we would just keep doing it, then eventually we will be doing movements, and shakers will be given out to add to the sound. Greg then says, “To make an omelet, we must break some eggs.”

I loved how this part of the evening progressed, we started with Ohm but we eventually shifted to other sounds, as we were all free do to do so. And then the sounds were in complete harmony with each other and at one point we were all standing up, moving, dancing and making music with the shakers. I could feel myself releasing so much energy from within me that was coming from my stomach as I made my own sounds and moved my body to the music we were all beautifully creating together. It was my first time to participate in something like this, and I could feel the energy of pure freedom and love as we all expressed ourselves with sound and movement as a family and a tribe. It is pretty cold during this time of the year, but the room was so warm and cozy, and I really think it is the energy that we all created together. I have no idea how long this ceremony was, but it felt very long, because at one point I was already tired from singing hahaha! This part eventually came to a close.  It was time for another evening with the spirit of Ayahuasca. I was decided to go for 3 rounds, and Wayne suggested to me that I do it in descending order, like 8-7-6.

My intention for this evening was for my guides to show me my unconscious blocks and to show me who my mentor could be. First round of the evening, Greg asked me how deep I wanted to go, and I told him that I want a dose that was in between my first and second round from the previous night. The first round started similarly to the previous evening, there’s a part wherein the room becomes silent and the candles are then put out. My hit came quickly and the usual visuals from the cloth and the dog came again. This time though, I didn’t see any figures. idn’t stay for too long, it went away. I decided to just be seated and tried to stay upright because I didn’t want to be in “gulay mode” like the previous note. Then after the silent part, I told Angela that I wanted to do rape, and she asked me what was my intention, my intention for rape was to reveal to me what I couldn’t see for myself, and she tells me that this was also her intention. It was such a coincidence!! She did the rape for me, and I got in and out of my body again, and I felt this need to stretch myself out and started moving my body. I lied down on my mat, and started to stretch myself out, then I stood up against the wall, and I started to move and sway my body around, dancing to the music they were playing through the laptop, and I decided to move closer to the fire, and I cupped my ears because I wanted to hear the sound even more, to amplify it. I felt my ears so open during this part of the evening, and I wanted to just get and take all of it that I can. Music really triggers me and amplifies the sensations that I feel. Greg then says that we’re onto the second round of Ayahuasca for the evening, and since I was already in front, he said for me to go first, and I made a joke and said, “Okay, it’s not a problem for me!” Then we all laughed, and I took the second serving, but prior to it, I was getting this feeling that I didn’t want to taste it, because at this point the taste of the medicine already gave me the sensation of disgust for some reason. I looked up and I just took it all, and went back to my place. I was just seated against the wall again, waiting for the medicine to take effect. Then I laid down on the bed after sometime, because I couldn’t manage to sit up anymore. Then I called Wayne over to give me some healing, because I could feel a block in my heart area, then it shifted to my head area also. He blessed me with some healing, and I could breathe easier and my head also felt lighter. Then he proceeded to touch my feet, and I felt like I could feel the energy inside my body clearer. The next part of the evening came, and they started using these spiritual musical instruments like gongs, bowls, and forks. I loved the way they did it, because they started in the middle of the room, then they went to each participant one by one with gongs and the bowls, as if the sound was in 3D, and it was amazing. Because I could literally feel every vibration of each instrument so intensely reverberating in every molecule of my body, I’ve never felt anything so intense with music, how amplified everything was. Then I laid down again, because there was just an overload of sensations. Then at this point of the evening, they brought out the giant gong with the flower of life symbol at the front. This part of the evening was indescribable, because there was this very strong, dark energy in the room that came out of the gong. But it also felt like a sexual energy for me, and the visions I saw during this time started with Ricard, and I saw the times of us having sex when we both felt the tantra energy - the time we did it in my room the first time, when we were in Madremanya after I did the linggam massage (specifically when we were making love in front of the mirror), and that time we saw each other after a long time after our trip to Finland together. I could feel him inside me in these different time periods  shifting from one point to another, but really feeling him inside me during this times. The message I received was that I have learned what I needed to learn from him, and I needed to release myself from this at this point in time, but I also felt this strong sense of gratitude for all the moments we have shared together. I saw myself telling him that I had to release him from my life, but then it shifted and I realized I didn’t have to release him from my life,it was just to release our past and give it back to the universe. To be connected but not attached to anything. The next presence I felt was Jean, I saw a vision of us having our first date together, his presence was so strong, and I could feel every part of this evening as if it was happening again for the second time. The moment I saw him waiting for me by the entrance of Casa Fuster, and he turned around to come greet me, when we were having our whiskies and talking about tantra, my accent, grounding, the parties his family hosted in Portugal for prominent people, when we went to Old Fashioned, and how he took control of the situation when 2 women took our table, how I felt his hand again under my thigh, how I felt his neck on my lips when I planted a kiss on this part of his body, how he fucked me in that small alley, and that moment when he asked me to kiss him as he was taking me from behind, how I could hear him saying to me, “You don’t understand how fascinated I am by your lips” as he brushes his thumb against my lips, how I could hear him say to me as he pulled down my top and my bra, “ A push up bra? Nica you don’t need this.” and he proceeds to suck my nipples. I could feel all these memories through the visions I was having, and I didn’t know why I was having them. The message that I received from this was to be patient. I remember telling him that I am not waiting for him, but that I do miss him, and I was sending him my love as he was going through his own processes, and I looked forward to speaking to him again soon, whenever that maybe.

The sound of the gongs were getting too strong, and I was getting so overwhelmed by it, and I was starting to become scared and fearful of every vibration that I was feeling in my body, and I was also starting to feel like I was getting sick, I think it was the fear that I had to confront about my past traumas with all the men I’ve been with that have left their marks on me, and I could feel every single moment that had traumatized me and have given me so much pain in the past. I saw Josep and the pain I had to endure when he sent me that photo with the Indonesian woman he was with, and all those days and nights that I had to endure my suffering and the grief and abandonment that he caused, but also touched on my trauma from L leaving. When I slept with people I didn’t want to sleep with, the second time I went to the swingers club with Pablo, when we fought in the club, and I ended up becoming sleeping with other people because I was angry and how I felt so dirty and abused by myself after, when I slept with Henrique even though I didn’t really want to, like I committed another sin to myself.  At this point I just wanted the sound of the gong to stop because it was making me sick to my stomach and I didn’t want anymore of this feeling, I had to remind myself a couple of times to breathe, that I am safe, and that I just needed to let the pain swallow me whole, not to fight it or resist it, so that it wouldn’t break me. I couldn’t take it anymore, and I just felt so disgusted and scared but my saving grace was the next presence I felt. It was Jason. The vision I saw of myself started with us having dinner in Mazah, but then it suddenly shifts to a different scene, it wasn’t a memory, but I was telling him, “Jay, this isn’t going to make sense, but can you just please hold me, because I cannot take all of this pain, I feel like it is going to break me.” He holds me in his arms, and he tells me, “Nica you got this, just let it pass through. You got this.” And I remember just resting on his chest and I was crying, but still remembering and knowing where I was, the medicine was taking its full effect on me. His presence made me feel like I was safe and protected, and that I could actually get through this evening, and he tells me, “Breathe Nica” and so I did. I let out a very strong purge that really came from deep inside me, from all that trauma that was stored and built up from deep inside. The message I got from this was that I didn’t have to hold in these traumas inside of me anymore, I gave myself permission to give it back to the universe because I didn’t need to keep this anymore. This was the strongest purge I’ve let out during this evening, and I felt better after this. I’m clean, enter me. I heard this message too. I think I also sent out a message to Mama and told me to guide me and show a clear sign when the right man for me has come into my life, and that the place for him was ready. I am ready for him. I covered up in the blanket because I was feeling cold. I noticed that I needed to enclose myself in a cocoon whenever I was going through a very deep and internal process because I needed my space. A third round was offered, but I couldn’t take in anymore, because the second round was so intense for me and I couldn’t take anymore of this. The music then shifted to happier melodies, and people started dancing again. Once again, I wanted to join them, but I didn’t have any energy to do so. I needed some human contact, so I went to Angela, and asked if I could take some rape, and she tells me that Greg would be doing it for me, so he did. For a time, I had some energy and I started to enjoy the music, and getting lost in it again. I was swaying my head, and moving my shoulders and my body while I was sitting down. At one point, I was just admiring everyone while they were dancing, and I was really captivated by the way Marion and Angela were dancing, they looked like goddesses, and I also loved how Wayne, Liz and Ben were just fully letting themselves go through dancing as well, and I was just smiling in admiration of all of them. After a while, the music shifted to something more mellow, and I just lied down in the area of the facilitators, and I snugged up next to Liz. And I just wanted to be next to her, I felt her presence to be very comforting and motherly, and I needed that during this time, because I was just feeling so many emotions and I needed some support, I needed to feel like someone was next to me. I purged again a little bit, then I just relaxed and laid down on the bed. Marion started to sing, and suddenly I was seeing memories of the past with my Mama Pia, that time she was singing Baby Mine from Dumbo to me, when we were having our shared moments in La Vista during her last 11 months with us, how she was trying her best to make up for lost time, when she made me breakfast every morning. I even saw that traumatic moment for me when I found her in the room, and when Ponj told me that “She’s not with us anymore” and how I couldn’t believe how this happened, because I thought I had more time. With Marion singing, she reminded me so much of my Mama this evening, and I felt Mama Pia’s presence through her. I couldn’t stop crying this evening, because I could feel these memories so strongly as if they were happening again. The tears wouldn’t just stop flowing. The message I received from this was that she was with me, but I didn’t have to hold onto this pain anymore. I told her I was sorry if I failed her, and she reassured me that none of this was my fault, and I just started to cry even more. The tears wouldn’t stop flowing. The last person I saw and felt was Papa, I started seeing our memories together when we were dancing “Shall We Dance” and how he was telling Mama Sonia not to worry about me because I had character, I saw him during that time when I was a child and I was jumping into the pool and I remember being scared to do it, but he reassured me that I don’t have to worry about anything because he was there, I saw us in room 12 when he told me that I was his last pearl, I saw him during that time I was in room 1 with him when he was sick already, and had so much bruises on his body, and I was crying. I told him that I wish I was making him proud with the person that I am now, and I was apologizing to him for the time that I lost beforehand, and I just kept crying because I remember the feeling of how much I missed him so much and I was telling him I wish he was here with me now, and that if he is to give me concrete sign because I just felt so alone, and I needed to feel him with me during this time. I asked Greg to come over to me because I could a block in my heart, and I pointed to my heart area, and he did some healing. I also told him that I felt the block in my back. I heard him say to someone, “Give me my tuning fork.” and he started doing this healing with some leaves, herbal oil, and he sprayed some on my back, and I could feel myself starting to breathe again. I felt the release from both my heart and the back of my body. I continued to just relax and let the tears flow out because frankly I couldn’t and didn’t want to stop myself from this release, it was cleaning me even more. As I write this down, I am crying again and feeling so emotional. I feel my heart so open and so raw, like a gate of my emotions were once again opened during the weekend that just passed. But I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude with this gift of feeling this much emotions. What I’m feeling now is a mixture of sadness, gratitude, joy, reassurance but also missing to be with Ma and Pa physically, to talk to them.

The music that evening was beautiful and mellow, I cried for the rest of the evening. At one point, I saw Miki being present in my vision, and I could see him being in the room as he was going through his own journey. I sent him my love and I told him that I know this is something he would like to experience for himself, and I told him to prepare for it. The music they chose had such an amazing variety, the languages were very diverse - English, French, Spanish, African, Korean, Chinese, Mongolian, etc. I can’t even identify which languages were being used. I’ve never listened to these types of music, but I loved all of it. At one point, they played Hallelujah live, and all of us were singing to it, and our voices were blending so beautifully. It reminded me of DWTL, and it was such an astonishing moment, because I could feel the process and the love of everyone in the room. The last that played was What A Wonderful World, and I started crying so hard, because this was Papa’s favorite song. The message I got from this was that he was with me this evening, and I felt his presence and I felt an overwhelming sense of love come in, and it made me cry even more. My intentions were answered for this weekend, because I think I had to be shown what traumas I was subconsciously holding onto to be able to release it back to the universe and to send love to the people who have hurt me in the past. But to also send love to myself during these times, and to times in the present and the future to myself and others. I remember myself thanking both Mama Pia and Papa L for the gift of life because I get to experience all these things, and this was the first time I thanked L for my life, and I sent him love for him to go through his process, and to acknowledge his own blocks, to face them. Prior to the meal, we gathered into a circle, and we meditated together. And there was a point wherein we were all think of all the things we were grateful for, for this evening during the meditation. Then Greg tells us that we will then start to stay all the things we are grateful for all at once, and so we did. I remember saying, I am grateful for this weekend, this family, the love I have felt in these 3 days, for this experience, for the cleansing, for the releasing, for the clear signs. Soup and bread was once again served, and this time, my stomach was open, and I had the appetite. Everything was so delicious!! We all went up to the room, and I had this feeling to check my phone, because I felt like I received some texts from the people I felt during the ceremony, and true enough I received messages from both Miki and Jason. How amazing is that?! And this evening, even though we couldn’t sleep right away, we were all able to rest easier and sleep this night. DAY 3 I woke up again feeling refreshed and had a lot of energy, I took a quick shower around 8 am because I didn’t want to be rushed while taking my shower and everyone else was still asleep. Right after, Greg comes into the room to wake us up with chimes, but he realized all of us were already awake. When I went down, I hugged everyone that I saw, and Greg says, “Someone woke up with so much love this morning!” then I just smile and headed for the food. I had breakfast,and I felt so clean and my stomach was yet again open, I ate the fruits with granola and had some slices of toast with butter and salt. The facilitators were preparing lunch, and while this was happening, I was just lounging around in the kitchen with George, Svenja, Matush, Greg and Liz. We we were tasked to remove the herbs from their stems, specifically thyme and rosemary. I shared a quick conversation with Victoria about her life, and I was grateful that we had this conversation about her love life. During the lunch preparation, I asked Greg if there was a playlist for the songs that were played during the weekend, but he tells me that he doesn’t give away the playlist. But if I remembered the songs, he would give it to me, but the only thing I remembered was that the song was in English, and the a guy was singing. Then we all laughed, because apparently this happens a lot with the participants of the retreat, they want to remember the songs, but nobody really know the words because some of them are not even in English. After a while, we were informed that we were going to participate in the final part of the retreat which was the rape ceremony to be led by Angela. We all stepped outside, and went to the outdoor area of the house, and we all sat in the circle. Angela informed us of what we needed to do for this ceremony. First she said that during this ceremony we will be in touch with the 4 elements: Fire, Water, Wind and Earth. What did this element mean to us? And given these words, how would we express these words through movement when we danced with each song assigned to each element. Greg also informed us that 1 in 50 people sometimes pass out from this plant. Rape is a sacred tobacco, and it was said that this was the first plant spirit that communicated with man, which eventually led to Ayahuasca communicating with man through this sacred tobacco. Once again, there was a round robin of intentions. My intention for this last ceremony was to live out my mission and purpose with the help of my spirit guides. We started with the ceremony with Wayne, and Angela asked us how hard do we want the blow to be from 1-10, and Wayne said 10. Then we all laughed, it started with him, because he was going to play the drum. Then it moved in a counterclockwise direction. When it was my turn, I told Angela that my intention was strong, so I wanted an 8 or 9. She chose a different type of rape, and then we proceeded. This rape hit me extremely strong. The tears naturally flushed out of my eyes, and I had to spit out. I was forced myself so quickly in and out my body in a quick process, and I just closed my eyes and tried to calm myself down and breathe. And I was trying to move my body to shake myself out of it. At this point, I felt like the rape somehow triggered a part of the ayahuasca from the previous night, because I was just totally out of it. I was in “gulay mode”, and she asked me if I was alright, and that I would need to move to the sofa, because they were about to begin the dance ceremony. I couldn’t get myself to stand up, and I was just totally wiped out from the medicine. Angela then comes up to me, “My beautiful Pocahontas, you are doing well, and you are safe. Sometimes the medicine hits you hard, but it will pass. You will be alright.” The music started playing for each element, and it was triggering me yet again. I was feeling extremely cold, and I was covered with a blanket. The music that hit me hardest were for the Earth and Fire, but I felt fire generate from within me and this kept me warm for a time. After their dancing, Angela comes to me and says that the color has come back to my face because it disappeared for a time. She asked me if I can manage to get myself into the circle to close the ceremony and I shrugged because I really couldn’t get myself to move, I felt so weak. Eventually I could that there was some strength in my body, so I forced myself to get up and sit on the cushion on the floor. And we closed the rape ceremony, and we all thanked Angela for leading it. Right after, I went back to the sofa to cover myself up because I felt so cold. I went to cover myself up in a cocoon yet again, because I was just wiped out. After a while Angela informs me that it was already time for lunch, and she had to take the blanket to pack it away, and that I could move inside  to rest. She led me to the couch and helped me, and told me that this happened to someone else last time to a big guy, the medicine just took over. Cori also wasn’t feeling so good, so we were both just lying there in our respective sofas. Greg enters the room, and I told him that there’s a block in my heart again, then he tells me, “You can release it yourself. You are keeping something inside you that you are not suppose to keep anymore. Put this inside a glass or a bubble. Actually, imagine it being in a bubble. And imagine it slowly melting away. You keep the the parts that are of use, and release all the other things and give it back to where it came from.” He was lightly touching the upper part of my chest with his fingers, and I could slowly feel the air returning to my chest. Prior to his help, I couldn’t feel like I could breathe properly. I closed my eyes and I continued to follow his breathing, eventually, tears started to flow down my eyes yet again, and the heavy and blocked feeling in my heart started to clear up and melt away. This process of cleansing continued for period of time, because I could feel the release through my tears. Eventually I could feel myself in my body again, but not at my full strength yet. Ben comes over to check in on me, and he asks me if I am okay, and I asked for a hug from him. And I remember releasing the final set of tears and blockage in my heart as I hugged him. I felt very safe during this moment, but at the same time, I sent him love and strength, because I could feel during this process during the weekend that he was battling his own demons, and was being self-critical towards himself, and I didn’t want him to feel that way. I could feel how much he was suffering and releasing throughout the entire weekend, so I sent him love. We hugged each other very tightly, and then I felt this surge of energy return to my body, and I knew I was fine. Greg informed me that there is enough food for everyone, and there was no rush, but I was ready to stand up already. Cori asked me if I was alright, and I said I was, I just had to release it. We shared our final meal as a family, and I had 2 servings of food. Everybody in the table was just so happy and relaxed. I haven’t felt this sense of pure joy in a community in a very long time, and I felt like I found a new family through these people. George expresses his gratitude to everyone, and I also proceeded to do the same, because I really know how much preparation is required for a 3 day weekend like this. And we all felt so well taken cared of, and it was just such an amazing experience. After lunch, we all started packing away and transferring stuff outside and into the car. Because the final part of the retreat was to have the sharing circle in a nearby waterfall in El Cosconar. I was giving hugs to everyone I could see once again, and I hugged Angela, and told her “You are such a beautiful person, Angela.” Then she says, “Thank you so much, and you know, what you see in others, it’s also what you see in yourself.” I smiled and thanked her. I also went up randomly to the other participants, and I was telling them how grateful I am to have met them. I hugged George as well, and he said, “That’s a strong hug.” And I said to him, “It can get stronger.” Then we both just laughed. We headed out to the waterfall in the car, and we took a quick hike going down and it was short quick hike, but it was so invigorating to be surrounded by nature - the sun, the mountains, the trees, the birds, the wind, the love from this circle of beautiful souls, and most of all, the energy that surrounded us. Energy that was coming from all of us, but also from all that surrounds us. This was our last sharing circle for the weekend, and it was emotional from everyone. I wrote down some phrases that resonated with me from the sharings of other people. We had our first photo in this area, Greg then sets the camera, and when he comes back, he farts, and everyone just laughs in the photo. We hiked back up, and we took some more photos for the participants and facilitators. And I picked up some fresh rosemary, before riding the car. We said our goodbyes, and I told all the facilitators that I loved them, and thanked them for everything. We headed back to the house to drop off some people like George because he would be picked up by his partner, and then Victoria, Svenja and Angela would ride with them going back to Barcelona. We all said our final goodbyes, and that we would all be in touch even after the retreat, especially since most of us lived in Barcelona anyway. The trip to the airport to drop Cori off was bumpy, and I just ended up taking a nap, because I was just exhausted. We reached the airport, and and we said our final goodbyes, and headed out to Marion’s place to return all of their things. I extended my gratitude to Greg once again, and told him that I really appreciated everything. Gave hugs to Marion, Ben and Matush as well. Eventually, Marion dropped me off near Gran Via, and I said my thanks, and I told her that I want to be part of the community, and that I would like to help her with the organization because she was doing everything by herself. I got back home around 7-7:30 p.m., I was happy to be home, and I packed my things away, made myself some dinner and had a Skype video call with Liza because I wanted to share everything with her. I started to write this entry last night, because I knew this is something I wanted to remember, and I had to do it right away, otherwise I will forget the details. I think I have been able to remember all the highlights of my this retreat with this blog entry. I am grateful to have had this experience, because it was eyeopening for me in so many levels, and I was able to release so many things I didn’t even know I was holding in from deep inside me. This was the perfect moment, and I know to myself and to my soul how much I needed something like this. And I received it. The exceptional synchronicity that took place. If I did this in November, I don’t think I would have been ready. This is by far, probably the best decision I have made this year. I am so grateful, and my heart is full. Thank you to my higher self, my guides, and to ALL of the beings of the universe for such an incredible experience.