#(the lick is kind of a jazz meme)

[conshirtoe]

It’s so funny to me how Eddie Jobson managed to put The Lick into Turn It Over

[imaginewarehouse]

Various Males x Fem!ExModel!Reader || Oneshot

Plot: You, a retired model get hired at Cloud 9 and, not-at-all-surprisingly, you get harassed by every allegeable (According to them) bachelor in the place- but god fucking damnit! You’re just here to get a paycheck??!  

“You can’t knock ‘em out, you cant walk away,

Try desperately to think about the politest way to say,

“Just get out of my face,”, “Just leave me alone,”

“And no you cant have my number,”,

“Why?”

“Cuz I lost my phone.”

(Inspired by Lily Allen’s Knock ‘Em Out)

Includes (In order of appearance after the introduction bit): Sal Kazlauskas, Garret McNeil, Tate Staskiewicz, Isaac (And I think my favouritism here definitely bleeds through*Cough*), Elias Greene, Cory, Jonah Simms, and Marcus White.

Warnings: Sal, harassment (They leave after you say no though. Just to be sure) 

🔆  🔆  🔆

“And uh, yeah one last thing before we all hop off to work! We have a new Cloud 9 family member. Y/N! Would you like to stand up?” Glenn, the lovely man who took your interview a week ago and then went out of his way today to look for you out front in the morning to show you around quickly and guide you through clocking in, finds you in the crowd of workers and gestures for you to stand.

Oh, uh- uhh, okay! Up we get, then, you think as you stand up like he said and take a look around at all the judging eyes, which normally wouldn’t phase you but here is a lot scarier than what you’re used to. This an entirely different environment to getting up at a modelling gig- you know nothing about working this kind of job! You’ve never done it, so, you’re afraid they’ll judge you right off the bat and make it difficult for you to ask questions. And you can’t keep bothering Glenn- he has more important things to do.

Oh god, you hear whispering. You peer around. Where is that coming from?-

“This is Y/N L/N! She’ll be working with Go back’s today,” Right, Go Back’s Easy enough; Glenn explained them earlier before the meeting started. “So if you see her in your area- be sure to say hello and see if she needs some help, K? Good. We’re jazzed to have you with us Y/N.”

“Thank you!” You quip quickly, then sit down and focus on Glenn again, hoping dearly at the same time that attention disperses from you immediately.

Glenn smiles, glancing down at his clipboard for any last-minute messages. “Okay! I think that’s it, so- “

The whispering from before suddenly cuts off. “Uh yeah, question?” Glenn stops short when a man in the back kind of rudely cuts him off, but sighs out a ‘Yes, Marcus?’ as the woman beside him - Dina, - rolls her eyes severely. Oh, you let a tiny ghost of a smirk slip over your lips. That’s kind of a reaction, isn’t it? “Yo- new girl.” What- me- w h y- You immediately get awkward again and twist around in your chair, but don’t really know who to look at. Luckily the tall brunette in the warehouse uniform is pointing, so you figure it out pretty quick that that’s who you’re looking for, and calm down. Mostly. 

Yeah? You raise one eyebrow. “Hi?”

He grins back to the right and the left of him, to his equally pleased buddies and pals, before raising a Vogue magazine- and it’s the issue on which you scored the front page. Jeez, that was months ago! “Is this you?”

A chorus of ‘Ohhhhh’ and general excitement travels around the room and for the first time ever, you’re half ashamed to admit that yes that is you. In your usual circle this is something to be proud of… but you get that it isn’t really like that, in non-modelling circles. In fact, it could be something to be embarrassed about.

Especially seeing that oh dude and his gang of Michael Myers fashion wannabes look like a hungry, dim-witted, wolves rather than plainly interested about your modelling career.

But, still, you smile politely and nod. Hopefully it’ll be forgotten before the afternoon, at least. “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Nice.”

Hmm… you really, really hope that it’s forgotten soon, at least, as you turn back around to face the front again as Glenn sends everyone off to work. Because if not, then these boys are going to learn the hard way that models take self-defence classes religiously.

Or at least you are going to have a very uncomfortable day, which is just great. You groan inwardly at the thought, as you gather up your coffee from the table beside you and drop it in the trash can on the way out.

~

You’re just doing your own thing and someone

Comes out of the blue,

They’re like,

“Alright”

But he’s saying

“Yeah can I take your digits?”

And you’re like, “No, not in a million years, you’re nasty.

Please leave me alone.”

There’s already so many Go Back’s! You think excitedly, as you get to work looking for where things should be. You’re glad to have something to do- at your first job with Chuck E Cheese, before you got into the modelling thing, you were basically useless the first day because you weren’t allowed to grill yet, you didn’t know how to assemble, and they didn’t want you out on the floor for the birthday party that was happening, in fear that you would mess up royally. So you just sat around trying not bother anyone, and that felt terrible. So, wandering the aisles of Cloud 9 with a full shopping trolley searching for products and neatening things up? Sounds like a good deal to you. Yes please.

“Uhh, hi.”

You practically jump entirely out of your skin, hearing the voice right beside you and whip your head around to see a balding guy in a blue Cloud 9 jacket. Is this man licking his fingers!?

“Uh,” You step back with your brightest, most polite smile, picking something up from the Go Back’s cart and rounding it to put it between you and the man, before acting like you’re stupid enough to be putting barbecue sauce in the Barbie section, and then… “Oh, oops! Silly me!” You flash the guy a nervous look. “I’m still working things out… “

Well? Better to look like an absolute idiot, then be standing within grabbing radius of the creepy man licking his fingers that you’re all alone in the middle of an empty aisle with. “Um… so, what’s up? Did someone send you to find me, or… am I doing something wrong? You know better than me, after all!”

“No… “His gaze licks up your form and if it weren’t for all your ‘training’ in staying still and not feeling this kind of thing- you absolutely would have wigged out. “You’re doing fine… Just wanted to see you.”

Boy- if anyone else could see your face right at this moment, full of disgust and mild horror, you’re sure you would be YouTubes next hit. Or a meme. “Oh… “You nervously chuckle. “Um, well, I’m gonna… go… “You pull the trolley around so that you can back up out the back of the aisle and escape through stuffed toys, into the open but his hand comes down on the other end of the trolley- stopping it. Before you can stop yourself, verbal diarrhoea spews from your lips. “Glenn has my resume- there’s a photo on there you can have.”

“That’s okay I prefer them to be breathing.” Both his hands are on the end of your trolley now, tight so his knuckles turn white, and he’s breathing unnecessarily heavy. He’s even leaning over the trolley some like his body really can’t handle whatever terrible heat is plaguing it right now. Oh god, oh god oh god oh god… this is so gross.

“Well, that’s… u-understandable...”

He looks up into your eyes, now, and doesn’t blink. Who the hell is this guy?! “Say… “ Oh no, oh no- he’s coming around the trolley-he’s coming around-he’s close-too close-too close-mayday-MAYDAY- Slowly, in your face, he licks up his thumb, makes an ‘Mm,’ sound, and you deeply wince; So much so in fact that one of your eyes completely closes. “Could I take your phone number?”

You absolutely couldn’t have helped what happened next if you had wanted to.

“Eeeeuuuwwwwwwww no not in a million years, your nasty, please leave me alone!!” You exclaim in a high voice before abandoning the trolley and rushing off to customer service.

~

“No you cant have my number,”

“Why?”

“Cuz I lost my phone.”

By the time you got to the front desk, you had basically calmed down and were mostly just stressed that you left the Go Back’s behind- but still must look troubled as the guy manning the front desk makes a confused, half-concerned but mostly intrigued kind of face at you as you stop there. You’re about to explain your appearance - that or just shrug, not too bothered about reporting whatever mess that was. Not on your first day, at least. No way. - when his face relaxes, and he nods. “Ohhh. Damn, Sal got to you?”

Sal? Was that the guy’s name? You didn’t check. “Oh, was that his name? I was a bit too preoccupied by his eyeballs sucking out my soul, to notice his name tag.” Now that you’re thinking about it, though, you glance at this man’s name tag. Garret.

“Yep, that’s Sal. That’s just one of the wonderful things involved in working here that you’ll just have to get used to.” Garret grins, offering you a chill perspective with a side of cynicism. You sigh, truly feeling relieved that you’ve found a normal person and relax your back against the taller part of the desk.

“Brilliant.” The sarcasm drips off the tip of your tongue.

“You’ll have to deal with a lotta that here, though, looking like you do.” You turn your head to the side to look already exhausted just by the idea, at him. He shrugs. “Hey, I don’t make the rules. I just speak the truth.”

“God- I feel sorry for the other women working here.”

“Oh, no. They’re in a completely different wheelhouse to you. Sorry.” Garret leans on his forearms on the desk, and you roll over to lean on your shoulder and pay attention. “See, you’re a model- “

“I was a model,”

“You were a model- which through primitive male thought process makes you prime real estate. Whoever manages to ‘bag’ you, for lack of a better word I apologise, gets some serious bragging rights.” He shrugs, and looks vaguely apologetic but still some how shameless as this utter bullshit slips out of his mouth. “We can’t help it- some of us don’t even know we’re doing that, but we are. Actually, I’m probably the only one who’ll admit it… which… kinda makes me your best option. Self-awareness, and all that.”

Oh. A dry laugh comes out of you as you feel a text come through in your back pocket and pull out your phone. As you see that its not an urgent message, you immediately put the phone back and glance around for any supervisors before returning to your conversation with Garret. “Oh- of course it does.”

“Exactly!” He grins, and you can’t tell through his expression at all whether he’s genuinely this clueless or if he’s just shooting his shot. “So- “

“No, you can’t have my number.”

“Why?”

Deadass, in a very monotone voice, you say: “I lost my phone.”

Then the two of you just have a stare off for a minute. Garret because he just saw you use your phone, and you because you wont back down.

~

“Oh yeah, actually yeah I’m, I’m pregnant. I’m having a baby in like 6 months, so no. Yeah, yeah… “

“You know,” The chemist pipes up from behind the Pharmacy desk as you put back some pill boxes he said were fine to return to the shelves, and you glance over at him to show you’re listening, and check his name tag. “I myself considered a career in modelling, before this. People even say, now, that I could model.”

Oh boy. You think, fighting not roll your eyes. And how old are you? Early 30’s? I don’t think so buddy.

“Oh, well, I wouldn’t recommend it.” You flash him a nervous grin before returning to your shelving. “You’re good for, like, 3 years. But then you hit 22 and unless you look like Victoria Justice shared with you whatever youth fountain she got chucked into, then you have to find something else to do with your life- despite having nothing to fall back on.” Okay… so… I might be a bit bitter.

Tate chuckles - and oh boy, he sounds just like your old manager. Totally fake, -, hiding his hands in his lab coat pockets. “Yeah, you’re probably right… Besides, I got the better end of the deal, anyway. Doctor for the doctors, they call us.” They call Pharmacists that? Who? That’s news to you. “Ahhh, yeah… I’m doing pretty well for myself.”

“Yep.” Forcing a fake smile his way, you leave the shelf you were stocking and get closer to the desk to stock another, as Tate’s eyes follow you waiting for encouragement of some kind. Doesn’t he have a job to do?? “You chose well!”

“Yeah, thanks. I know.” Ffffff-f a r out. This guy! “You know, you and me, we’d make a good couple.”

Oh? Dear god? You pause your shelving in surprise at the bomb this man has just dropped so casually, fish oil tablets paused on their journey to the shelf mid-air. Could Garret’s crazy-pants theory have been right?

“Ohh,” You giggle nervously, returning to work a bit faster now. “I don’t know. I think for a pharmacist like you, I would envision, like… “An actual doctor? No, I can’t say that. “A personal trainer, or something. Keep you both healthy all-round, you know? Now that’s a power team.” As long as that personal trainer has humility enough for the both of them, at least.

“Mergh,” He makes a face, like ‘What the heck are you talking about??’, before shaking his head of the things you just said and leaning over the desk towards you. You keep packing, even faster now. Like the Flash. Go! Go! Go! Death Con 5!! “So, whadaya say? I could pick you up Friday after work, and we could head up to one of my timeshares?” He says that like it’s such a selling point! You think, fighting off the powerful urge to laugh but still feeling the panic deep in the pits of your soul. “Stake it out together for the weekend? Get to know each other?”

“Uhh… “Excuses! What are they? You slowly stop stocking, turning around to face him and crossing your arms. The man deserves to at least be faced as he’s rejected; You’re kind enough to give him that, at least. “I’d love to! But, the thing is… “Chewing your bottom lip, you think hard.

Ding Ding Ding!!

“The thing is, Tate… “You fake some nerves, now. “I’m actually, uh… “You look up, face relaxing. “Pregnant.”

Oh boy, the way that man recoils at that word, like a terrified, disgruntled, blonde hedgehog. You’re going to laugh so hard about it, later!! “Oh.”

“Yeah! Oh, I mean, yeah… I’m gonna be having a baby, in like, 6 months so… yeah… Yep.“ You shrug to him, as if its just so unfortunate. “Shame.”

~

She looks in her bag, takes out a fag, tries to get away from the guy on a blag,

Can’t find a light.

‘’Here, use mine.’’

‘’See the thing is I just don’t have the time.’’

Ahh, lunch. Now you can check your texts! Hmm, you look through your notifications and gradually lose excitement. Mum… mum… mum… phone bill company… friend… mum again…

Ah, the glamorous life of the famous.

You roll your eyes, and get to responding to your mothers texts about dinner and when you’ll be home and how your first day is going, not noticing the not-so-jolly, not-so-green-(unless-you-meant-pot) giant approaching you. When you finally finish responding to both your mum and your friend, you put your phone away and start unwrapping your lunch- a typical ham sandwich that you’re actually pretty excited about. That’s one good thing about your sudden drop in financial status; You can put in your damn sandwich as many pieces of ham and cheese as you like. Grinning excitedly, you pick it up and have it halfway to your mouth before another person - a very heavy, large person, - drops down beside you on the bench you’ve commandeered behind the store. You close your mouth without any delicious lunch inside it and look up, politely to the person who’s joined you.

And all you can think, is wow.

He could put you in a suitcase and walk off with you right now and have no problems.

That’s wow.

“Hi! I’m Y/N,” You introduce yourself, offering a hand for him to shake.

“I know.” Oh, well yeah okay that’s understandable. Glenn did introduce you to everyone this morning. Despite the man’s less-then-excited response, he takes your hand in his and shakes. It makes you all giddy inside, honestly. So b i g. “Names Isaac.”

Do you remember Isaac in the breakroom this morning? You wrack your brain for him, because surely if he was there you noticed him-

Oh. Yep, you remember him. He was one of that Marcus-Dude’s pals chuckling and whispering behind him. He was one of the men that had the magazine with you on the front, and if there’s one thing you know about men who carry Vogue in their locker’s it’s that they fit into only 2 groups- interested in fashion, obviously… and interested in the women. And this man clearly is not interested in fashion. Immediately, on this realisation, you feel disappointed- you really could have liked this man right off the bat…

But it looks like he’s just going to be another of the men at this store you have to get to know, before becoming friendly with.

“So,” He starts, and you fight off a wince. Hopefully, you don’t know what’s coming. But… the likeliness of that is not high. “You wanna go out, some time? I’m a big fan of your work.” He smirks.

“Oh, ha ha.” You laugh sarcastically, shaking your head and returning to your sandwich. You take a bite and- Ahhhhhh, so worth the wait. Oh my god. Food orgasm. “At least you’re honest!”

“Yeah, so is that a yes?” His face brightens a smidgeon, which is a lot seeing as he doesn’t seem to be totally all there, in the first place.

You look up at Isaac, and look apologetic. He was honest with you so its only fair that you’re genuine with him. “Sorry… “

“Ah- actually, I don’t know if this’ll change your mind, but I have 2 weeks to live, so… “

Never mind on that honesty thing, then.

Dull-eyed, you stare up at him. “… Uh-huh.”

“Its true! I have, uh, cancer.” He insists, nodding his head and forcing his eyebrows up his forehead all serious-like.

“Cancer.” Right.

“Yep.”

Right, time to look in the bag... You start to wrap up your lunch again - sadly, as now you’ll have to wait until the end of the day and the bus ride home to eat it, - and plop it back away in your bag, getting up and pulling out a cigarette instead- that should hold you over until the end of the day. “My lunch break is actually over, so I should go- Damn, where’s my light?“

Isaac rifles through his pockets until he pulls out an old looking neon orange lighter, and offers it to you. “Here, use mine.”

Oh, no. You stare at it like a deer in headlights. If you accept that, like you really want to right now because it’s been a month since your last smoke, then you have obligations to sit with him for another couple minutes, at least.

Aghh… You groan and whine on the inside, before making up your mind and flinging the cigarette into a puddle. “See the thing is, I don’t actually have the time-”

~

“Go away now, let me go.”

“Are you stupid? Or just a little slow?”

“Ughhh… “This one has been giving you looks all day, but had no courage until now to speak to you- but the thing is? He didn’t have the smarts, either, to take off his wedding ring at least before he decided to be a bastard and bother you. So you feel absolutely no regret about being exactly as dismissive or plain rude, as you feel. “Elias? Go away now.”

The nervous man, who’s been ringing his hands this whole time and stuttering through failed date requests that you pretended you didn’t understand because of his struggle, gets panicked. “Just let me ask!- Will, will you go out with me?”

“No.” You yawn, dropping a piglet toy into a basket.

“But!- “

Turning away, you start pushing your trolley along to get to the next aisle. “Let me go.”

“We can go wherever you like!”

Sighhhhhhhhh. You turn around and grant him an audience, putting your hands on your hips and raising you brows at the wedding band on his left hand.

“Are you stupid? Or just a little slow?”

~

“Please fuck off.”

Oh good god in heaven, they’re going bigger with their proposals.

“Y/N! Will you go out with me?”

This man, Corey, has grabbed the announcement phone now that you’re walking away, making you freeze like the dad possum in Over The hedge and seriously consider playing dead, too, as you slowly turn around to look at him again.

Oh, if only looks could kill- he would be so dead that even Vlad the Impaler’s victims would laugh.

This is your first day, and the fact that you’re being harassed by multiple stupid men is bad enough but now he’s calling attention to you like this? Glenn’s going to think you’re a troublemaker!! Jesus fucking Christ- you need this job! Corey continues to talk into the speaker phone, even as he looks into your eyes and sees his death.  “And… now… you’re looking at me like that, so uh… I’m just gonna… say please?”

… “’Please’ fuck off.”

“Yes ma’am-“  

~

“Go away now, I’ve made myself clear.

I don’t think so.

Nah its not gonna happen.

Not in a million years.”

Since the run-in with Corey and the following spike in your blood pressure, you’ve calmed down again. But now you’re looking into the two faces of a ‘Mateo’, who you apparently work with, and a ‘Castor’ who does not work here and is not shopping but is still in your face and is t h i s close to feeding that ugly tie to his cousin.

But, still, you’re going to stay graceful, because Castor constantly looks like he’s 3 seconds from pooing himself. “Now please go away, now… I think I’ve made myself clear.” By explaining, politely, that you aren’t looking for a man but thank you for the offer, Castor.

“Oh, but you haven’t heard what Castor does for a living! He’s in insurance,” Mateo explains to you, like this is some huge game changer. When you don’t react, he adds that there’s good money, insurance.

You almost laugh. Does this boy really think you’re such a gold digger? Boy- if I wanted riches then I could’ve easily become a C-Class actor who has no skills in the area, but is pretty so gets praised like she does- like a lotta my model friends.

Instead I’m here, at Cloud 9.

Come to your own conclusions.

But instead of saying that, though, you just shake your head nervously. “I don’t think so… “

“But!- “

“Nah… sorry, its… not gonna happen… “

“But Castor is- “

“Not in a million years… “

~

“Aw, no. I gotta go. My house is on fire.”

Now, at least this one is respectful, you think, listening to him talk about the products you’re shelving together. He had come over and offered to give you a hand when you looked confused, as a ‘Cheyanne’ had handed you a scanner earlier and then promptly ran off, despite your utter incompetence. You were so relieved that this guy turned up!!

“… so, you just punch in reduce .50, and scan! Its pretty easy, if you have it properly explained to you. I- I was actually in the same situation, as you! When I first started here, except I ended up, uh, reducing all the items in electronics to 15 cense rather than discounting it all 15 percent.” A grin spreads across your lips at the story, and thank god that Jonah had turned up before that happened to you and, with your luck, you got fired for it.

“Oh no!”

“Yeah- Amy, our uh, floor supervisor, was pretty cranky with me about that… “He laughs himself, resting his hands on his hips; Still looking nervous at the memory.

You look back down at the scanner you’re holding and shake your head. “Well at least you know, now! And thank you so much for coming to my aid, haha. I was so lost- you’ve been a huge help! A life saver, truly.”

“Yeah… “ He gives a cute little, reserved smile. “So, uh, its basically the end of the day! Hope you’re first day hasn’t been too strenuous. At the end of my first day, I know I was tired. But I got to go out with a couple of the other employees and have a drink, to destress. If-If you were free, we could… do something. Together.” Your eyebrows slowly raise up your forehead at that, and you turn to look up Jonah, sceptical. What was that? You sure have had a long day, and its about to get a lot longer if this boy is asking what you think he is. “Sorry! Sorry, that sounded weird. Um, I guess what I’m really asking, is… would you like to, I dunno, go out with me sometime? I know some great places.”

Oh, noooooo! You cry, on the inside. You thought you found a normal one!

Still, he is being so nice… The least you could do is let him down easily.

“Oh, Jonah, I actually… oh- sorry.” Your phone beeps in your pocket and you take it out quickly to have a glance - its just your mother… again, - … and suddenly get an idea. Feigning shock, you quickly put the phone away and put down the scanner. It’s time to clock out and go home, anyway, thank god. “I have to go! That was my mum, uh- I really have to go!”

“Wow, wow, wow, what’s wrong?? Can I help with anything?”

Oh… he looks so concerned. He’s sweet.

But before you can rethink your words, this living horror slips out. “My-my house is on fire.”

Oh god, you’re a horrible person.

~

“I’ve, I’ve got herpes. No- Syphilis!”

Oh thank god the day is over. Rolling your shoulders back, you kneel down at your bottom locker, open it up and take out your bag. Now you can go home and put on Gotham on Netflix, wear no pants and eat thin mints until you fall asleep.

When you get up, you aren’t watching out for a man to be standing barely half a foot away from you - Your mistake, obviously, - so you jolt right out of your skin when you see him and curse. What is wrong with these men? Does Cloud 9 offer complimentary staff ninja classes along with their lack of health insurance? Man, classy company. “Sorry!” You look up past the coveralls after stepping a safe distance back from him, and immediately feel dread deep in your chest. “Oh, hi. Marcus, was it?”

“That’s me! How was your first day?” He asks, seeming polite enough despite the fact that you’re cornered between tall boy and the lockers. And you’re too tired to try and slip away- this boy will get out of your way.

“It was good! Thanks for asking. I’m ready to go home and collapse, though.” You admit, shoulders dropping and a tired smile on your lips. Mmm… thin mints… bed… blankets… Cory Michael Smith… I can taste it… Marcus just needs to get out of my way.

“I hear that.” Evidently not quite as deeply, though, as he moves on pretty fast. “Listen- I was thinking if you’re into it we could… go out, some time.” He tilts his head forward to clarify, “On a date,”, in case that part hadn’t translated, and chuckles. “We could see a movie or get drinks, or something, I don’t know. How about tonight?”

T-tonight? The word nearly slips from your lips; All disbelief and tears and exhaustion, included. You’re so tired. “Um… you know, tempting offer, but um… “He looks so hopeful. It nearly changes your mind. “Not tonight.”

“OH! So like, tomorrow?” Oh christ- “Cuz I’m supposed to watch Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here with my mum, but… no, I can blow that off! So, tomorrow?”

You take a deep breath, not really knowing what you can say. “Marcus… “He raises his eyebrows, waiting for an answer. “… I have herpes.”

“Wait, what??” He steps back, nearly tripping over a table in his fear that just being near you will cause him to contract the disease, and you let your guard down in relief. Yep, for sure, definitely. If it makes him back off, then yes- you have herpes. You have a raging, festering case of herpes.

“Yeah! Or-“ Squinting, you pretend to sift through your brain. “Was it Syphilis?” This boys eyes basically bulge out of his head and you’re totally going to laugh about it later, but right now you have to get out of there. You waive your hand dismissively and walk on by him towards the door like you don’t have a care in the world. Before you leave though, you turn around a flash Marcus a big smile. “Either way, ew, right? Well, see you tomorrow buddy! Gotta go! Enjoy I’m A Celebrity with your mum.” Then you’re gone.

Tomorrow is going to be a much better day, once that rumour is properly spread.

[broadwayrpmemes]

mean girls the musical sentence meme, pt. i.

A CAUTIONARY TALE.

“It's a cautionary tale of fear and lust and pride.”

“But how far would you go to be popular and hot?”

“Would you resist temptation?”

“Just admit it, sometimes mean is what you are. Mean is easier than nice.”

“You can't buy integrity at the mall, it's not for sale.”

IT ROARS.

“I got dreams exciting me, like a fire igniting me.”

“I tried to confide in my lions but they keep biting me.”

“Did you ever get a feeling, everybody else is happy, everybody else has friends, and they're better friends than yours?”

“It’s a very recent feeling, but it’s running through my body and it roars.”

“Maybe I can meet an obese person.”

“[name], I would love that, let’s all try something new.”

“I got no time to cry, I got new things to try.”

“Did you ever get a feeling that a whole new world is waiting to bring happiness and friends to the brave girl who explores?”

 “It’s a scary kind of feeling, but it’s so exhilarating, how it roars.”

“They’re tough --- challenge accepted, I’m trying to break into a pack.”

“I got to fight, for the right to belong and fit in.”

“They want to be included like me, so eventually I’ll win.”

“Everybody wants connection.”

“I know they have their friends, but what is one friend more?”

“Cause I know they know this feeling, so I brush off their rejection.”

IT ROARS REPRISE.

“I’m sixteen / [age] just like everyone here but I’m not like everyone here.”

“It’s clear, it’s gonna be a rough year.”

“New kid sucks.”

“And you need to lick your wounds in the lady’s/men’s bathroom stall.”

“I’m not quitting, I’m regrouping. I’ll just sit and eat my sandwich.”

WHERE DO YOU BELONG?

“My momma used to tell me: 'Baby girl, don't ever eat lunch on the john.'”

“Your mother called you ‘baby girl’?”

“So what if all the ducklings think you're ugly? It's because they've never seen a swan.”

“Come take a walk and answer my small questionnaire --- which I'll sing to you.”

“Where do you belong?”

“You'll be judged on sight and made to fit.”

“So find a clique and stick with it.”

“I’ll show you the world as I see it.”

“Varsity jocks and JV jocks will throw you in a locker if you say ‘Hello’”

“The rich stoners hate the gangster whites though they're all smoking the same oregano.”

“Here’s the sexually active band geeks.”

“I got two words for you --- 'Embouchure' and 'Ew'”

“If you like blowing and fingering, this is the group for you.”

“There's girls that eat their feelings, and girls that don't eat.”

“Joining them is social suicide.”

“They wear their awkwardness with stubborn pride.”

“You'll be judged on sight, voted in or out, 'cause that's what high school's all about.”

“Just come to lunch and sit with us.”

“Here’s where you belong.”

“You need protection with pizzazz, and helping hands that also jazz!”

“Okay, I’m stayin’!”

“Hey [name], this is where you fit.”

“Hey [name], this is where you sit.”

[shannaraisles]

11 Questions Meme

Good grief ... I’ve been tagged by @a-shakespearean-in-paris, @enchantment1385, @isharaytaoshay, AND @sassylavellen! Guys! ~laughs~ 44 questions! Under the cut, though, it’s long!

So, from @a-shakespearean-in-paris ...

What’s your favorite Disney Movie? Sleeping Beauty, always.

If you are limited to read one book for the rest of your life, what do you pick? Oh, crap. Um ... To Kill A Mockingbird. But I can’t just have one!

What is your favorite play by Shakespeare? Twelfth Night.

Do you watch the Oscars or Golden Globes? Neither, I’m not that fussed.

What is the animal that represents the inner you? (Patrononus, if you’re into Harry Potter.) The inner me is definitely a very lazy domestic kitten.

favorite historical period? Medieval, Tudor, or Regency. I refuse to choose!

favorite artist? (As in like Van Gough, Picasso, Renoir, etc.) Or favorite period in art history?  Torn between Van Gogh (Starry Night is one of my favorites), Leonardo da Vinci, and Edmund Leighton.

Do you like the Marvel movie franchise, hate it, or are you indifferent to it? What’s your opinion on the superhero genre in general? (can talk about DC too if you like) Oh, that’s tough. I generally like the Marvel movies, the casting is amazingly good. But I have a basic problem with the superhero genre - I’m British, we don’t have a culture of superheroes over here. Seriously, the superheroes from my childhood were Bananaman and Super Ted. My problem is with the increasing emphasis on lengthy action sequences (which bore me to tears), and the distinct lack of plausible consequences. I know both DC and Marvel have tried to get the consequences in there, but seriously ... the “heroes” do more harm than good with their flashy tactics. It just annoys me.

Did you ever have an embarrassing celebrity/fictional character crush? Yes. ~grins~ Okay ... Gaston from Beauty & The Beast. And it got worse when they did the live action version, because I lurve Luke Evans!

Guilty pleasure movie? The Chronicles of Riddick, or Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Depends on my mood.

And the most important question of all…you go to a bar. What’s your go to drink? (if you’re into drinking?) JD & Coke. Without fail. :)

From @isharaytaoshay ...

1) Place you want to travel?  I’d love to be able to meet the lovely people I’ve made friends with here on tumblr! So ... kind of everywhere?

2) Favourite time of the day/night? I like the hours after midnight and before dawn. I’m pretty much an insomniac, so I spend a lot of time awake then, and there’s just something about the way the world feels that appeals to me

3) Weirdest accident you’ve ever had happen? Weirdest would be the time I fell over a mop and broke my clavicle. Cannot, for the life of me, work out why the mop was there, or how I fell over it.

4) Favourite comfort meal? Hmm ... fried egg and chips (fries).

5) How many places have you traveled in? Let’s see ... Ireland, Scotland, Wales, France, Spain, Italy, Germany, Austria. Eight! All when I was under 18; I haven’t been anywhere since then!

6) Favourite scar? I have a small scar on my inner left forearm that shows up under fluorescent lighting and freaks out therapists when I first meet them. Nothing sinister - Beni, my first cat, scratched me accidentally with dirty claws when he was a kitten, and it took forever to heal!

7) Favourite historical era? Tudor, Medieval, or Regency. ~grins~

8) One blog you’ve followed forever and always admired but been too scared to approach? Um ... all of them? ~laughs~ I am getting better at putting in asks and things, but I have yet to be brave and just outright drop into anyone’s messenger uninvited.

9) Your idea of a perfect day? A perfect day ... would be any day in which I don’t have to talk myself either down from a panic attack or up from a depressive moment, unfortunately. I have small ambitions.

10) Favourite meme? Um ... Why Weren’t You At Elf Practice?

11) Which fictional language would you learn? Given the choice, I’d learn Entish, or Discworld Dwarven. ~grins~

From @sassylavellen ...

1. Do you have a favorite soundtrack from a movie or a video game? I tend not to focus on complete soundtracks; I have favourites from several soundtracks, but they tend to be the sweeping scores, like DAI and LotR. Big music for big moods!

2. What was the first video game you remember playing? Lands of Lore; The Throne of Chaos. Well, I didn’t exactly play it - I sat behind my brother and watched him play it. I still can’t finish that game, but I love replaying it.

3. If you could have any kind of food right now, what would it be? Right now? I want chili and macaroni cheese, but that requires money to buy ingredients with and the motivation to cook it. ~laughs~

4. Are you a good cook? I am a passable cook. I have not, to date, poisoned anyone, and my last disaster was only a disaster because the rice was disgusting. But I always have a back up plan!

5. Do you have/want any exotic pets? I would love to have an African Grey parrot, but sadly, my slightly feral cat would not have it in the house unless it was dinner.

6. What fictional character would you love to be friends with? Torn between Nanny Ogg and Cassandra Pentaghast. Nanny, because she’s just a comfortable person to be around; Cassandra, because I think she needs a friend.

7. if you could have any superpower, what would it be? Um ... being able to understand maths and science seems like a pretty good superpower to. Neither of which make a lick of sense to me, I should add.

8. What movie could you watch and enjoy every single time? Labyrinth. And have done, on many, many occasions.

9. Favorite color combinations? Brown and gold, blue and silver, purple and teal.

10. when you play games (Dragon Age or like games) do you use armor sets that have good stats but looks bad, or armor that looks good but has bad stats? When I can cheat (and I do), I go with armor that looks good and is crap. When I can’t cheat, my characters tend to look like they’ve just climbed out of a Lost Property box.

11. Favorite genre of music? That is a hard one to answer. It all depends on my mood - sometimes it’s 80′s pop, sometimes it’s classical, sometimes it’s musicals. Never ever jazz, though.

From @enchantment1385 ...

1. What is your favorite fandom, and why? The Dragon Age fandom wins by a narrow margin. Why? Because, while I was extremely late to the party and have seen a fair amount of harshness in the community, I have been made to feel very welcome by everyone I’ve encountered and spoken to. As an anxious person, just interacting is enough to send me into a downward spiral, but you’ve all been just lovely to me. 2.  What’s your Pokemon team? I have never played or watched Pokemon, so I have no idea! 3. Favorite ‘Team’ in dragon age or mass effect? Hmm ... Origins, I tend to go for Alistair, Shale, and Morrigan (Demelza’s a rogue); DA2 is Varric, Fenris, and Bethany (Poppy, another rogue); Inquisition finds me with Cassandra, Iron Bull, and Sera (Velen’s a mage). Mass Effect? Tali/Kaidan, or Tali/Samara, hands down. 4. Favorite non Bioware game? Lands of Lore: The Throne of Chaos (showing my age there) 5. OTP? I think this is fairly obvious. ~laughs~ Canon, it’s Cullen/Inquisitor. Personally? I can’t choose between my OCs! 6. What is your Guilty pleasure? Harlequin romance novels! 7. A food you can’t get enough of? You know, I don’t think there’s ... oh, wait. Ben & Jerry’s Minter Wonderland Ice Cream. Yeah, I found it. :) 8. What’s can you see right now? Right now? My cat smugly sitting in between me and the monitor, about four inches from my face as I type. 9. Something I don’t know about you? Um ... I am the youngest of four siblings at the bottom of the biggest gap - 10 years between me and my sister. 10. Mosted loved OC, why? Most loved is probably Rory right now. She was meant to be a self-insert, but she took my best traits and ran off with them! We’ve spent a lot of time together, though. Writing her is like pulling on a comfy sweater. 11. What song is stuck in your head right now? The theme to a gameshow called Blankety-Blank, which I will not link, because I am not that cruel.

[pandarino]

@fy-soukoku, @narkaoh and @lyberti-lynn tagged me again... (wtf you guys. I’m an uncreative piece of shit. I can’t think of another 11 questions >.<)

Rules: 1. Answer these eleven questions 2. Make eleven of your own questions 3. Tag eleven people!

Fy-Soukoku’s questions:

1. Halloween or Christmas?

CHRISTMAS!!!

2. Alaska or Hawaii?

Hawaii

3. Your all-time favourite anime?

I don’t have an all-time favourite, but I’ve liked Kaichou wa Maid Sama and Brave Story for a long time^^

4. Pastels or darks?

Pastels ♥

5. Slow dancing in daylight, or a dance party at midnight?

Slow dancing at midnight? :3 (Both)

6. Rain or swimming pools?

Rain! I don’t like swimming

7. Do you have a “first love”?

I honestly don’t know

8. HAVE YOU TAKEN CARE OF YOURSELF TODAY? IF NOT, GO DO IT. IF YOU HAVE, DO IT AGAIN.

YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOM, JAY! YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! (I have tho! Dw)

9. Sock skating in the kitchen, or singing while cooking?

Both! Singing while cooking sounds a tiny bit better tho ngl

10. Holding hands or cuddling?

BOTH???

11. You’re beautiful.

I know B) Thx! (You’re even more beautiful!!)

Narkaoh’s questions:

1.) Favorite book?

Uhhhh I don’t read a lot... I liked Good Omens by Terry Pratchett?

2.) Favorite movie?

UNO: The Movie (10/10)

3.) What actor do you absolutely ffffucking hate?

(German insider alert) Til Schweiger

4.) How often do you read fics? (I see you on AO3, heathens.)

Not very often bc I even procrastinate reading fanfics lmao

5.) Are you a morning or an evening person?

I wish I was a morning person... I like mornings better than evenings buuut ^^’

6.) Best memory?

???? I don’t know? Cait your questions istg

7.) Lemme get them digits? (LMAO THIS IS FILLER, I’M K I D D I N G)

My German butt didn’t know what this meant so I googled it.... Is this about getting someone’s phone number? Cait you already have mine xD

8.) What the hell is your favorite meme? I gotta know this one.

The “Goats climb 90° walls to lick salt. They crave that mineral” meme (bc I almost killed somebody with it once... that sounds bad.. I swear it was funny!!!)

9.) Favorite ship? (For… uh.. research purposes.)

Bumbleby ♥ (and Soukoku)

10.) If you could pick one person to take with you on a deserted island, who would it be and why?

@photonicrystal should be my survival guide

11.) Are you a cat or dog person, or both? (VITAL INFORMATION. I am JUDGING U.)

DOG PERSON! I LOVE BOTH CATS AND DOGS BUT DOGS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT IDC

Lyberti-Lynn’s questions:

1. Which is your favourite of the four seasons?

Spring

2. Do you prefer walks along the beach or walks through the woods?

Aww shit.. IDK?? BOTH!

3. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Nope (but I might be a bit demiromantic so who am I to judge xD)

4. What’s your favourite TV Show that’s NOT an anime?

Rn probably Voltron? Or Brooklyn 99

5. What is your favourite anime?

At the moment that would be Bungou Stray Dogs!

6. Who were your first OTP?

Neku and Joshua from TWEWY

7. How many blogs do you run?

2 lol

8. What are you most proud of, in your whole life? (It can be anything.)

I... I don’t know O.o I’m really proud of my friends ♥

9. What is your favourite animal and why?

THE SLOTH :D It’s my spirit animal

10. If you could travel anywhere (not restricted to Earth!) where would you go?

I’d go to Mars out of spite (nobody will get that reference lmao but real answer: Probably Japan)

11. What is your favourite thing about your favourite person?

The?? Entire??? Person?????

And now... 11 totally creative questions from me.... ugh

1. Have you ever played D&D (or another tabletop game)? If not, would you like to try it?

2. Which was your first starter Pokémon?

3. What is your favourite Pokémon type (water, fairy, ground, etc)?

4. What is a trope you love and always fall for?

5. And what is a trope you hate?

6. What is your favourite kind of hair (& hairstyle)?

7. Who are your favourite fictional siblings?

8. Do you like Jazz music?

9. What’s your favourite musical?

10. Do you like nailpolish? What’s your favourite colour?

11. uhhhh what gaming consoles do you own? idk

And I’ll tag... definitely @kidspawn02, @narkaoh & @lyberti-lynn (Have fun thinking of 11 more questions and don’t you dare tag me back xD)

Also @photonicrystal, @embers-among-ash, @daughterofsinsloth, @trampstampmorgan, @jihiro-kun, @didsomeonesayroyai, @damned-fangirl, @wavering-flower-child if you guys want to do this!!!

[fanon-anon-blog]

Whiskers and Magick

a.k.a. I Have No Idea How to Title

Summary: By some magic bullshit Jared gets to be what he always wanted to be: a cat. You, on the other hand are just about dONE WITH ALL OF THIS.

Warnings: 7.3 k of shit writing, swearing, most likely OOC Jared, lot’s of chaos and mayhem, magic and rituals (?)

“That’s complete bullshit and you know it.”

“You’re just saying that because you don’t know the glory of cats.”

“… So I was thinking, maybe you and the jazz band could show and play a few songs?”

“I’d have to ask the other members, but I’m pretty sure they’ll all agree.”

“Oh noooooo…”

You look up from the potato salad you’ had been gorging yourself on for the past fifteen minutes, instantly reconnecting yourself to the moment. Lunchtime at the cafeteria was always loud and it never failed to make your ears hurt. So many students packed into one room- you were more surprised your eardrums hadn’t burst.

You were currently sitting on a table with your friends. Connor and Jared was the first ones on your left, arguing about how amazing cats were. Next to Jared was Alana, who was next to Zoe, and then Evan and you. Alana had been telling Zoe her ideas at a volunteer community event, and Zoe was nodding along, head perched on her palm and attention full on focus at Alana. Evan, in the meantime, was furiously re-reading his note cards for the speech his class was going to do later in the afternoon.

“Sorry, but I actually agree with Jared here, Con.“ He promptly grumbles something. “Cats are affectionate, cute, and quite hilarious. What’s not to like about them?”

“Have you ever even met a cat, [Name]? And no, cat memes and videos don’t count,” Connor retorts, and you resist the urge to stick out your tongue.

“If I was a cat, that would the most fucking coolest thing ever,” Jared declares. “I’d cause mayhem and chaos everywhere, and no one would be able to do anything to me because I’m a cat.”

You raise an eyebrow. “What would you specifically even do if you were a cat?”

“Psh, [Name], that’s too easy. I’d get someone rich and then have them buy me lots of food and games, maybe even a whole room for myself, the kind that suits someone as fucking awesome as me.”

“… I’m not even going to respond to that,” Connor deadpans.

“Why do you not like cats anyway, Con?” Connor shrugs, face suddenly flushing red. Before you can call him out on it, you hear Zoe stop her conversation with Alana. She leans into your side, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

“Oh, that’s because he once mistook catnip for weed,” Zoe tells you, a wicked grin on her face as she recalls it. “Last summer, he went out to buy more weed while high- he didn’t come home until late into the night, followed by a large crowd of cats. No doubt he was still high, but his whole body reeked of catnip.The cats were more than affectionate with him and they came in with him, stayed, and then fell asleep together in a pile. When morning came, he woke up to a gaggle of yowling and screeching and a whole load of cats running out. Looking back on it, it was one of the most hilarious thing ever.”

“Zoe!” Connor hisses, actually hisses, and Jared bursts out laughing, hard enough to fall out of his seat. You yourself are not far from it, giggling and laughing nonstop. Evan restrains from even letting out a chuckle at the sight of Connor’s red, red face, but even Alana giggles.

“Dude, you got high with cats!” Jared cackles out the words in between his laughs. Behind you, you hear the bell ring, signifying the end of lunch break, and saving Connor from further embarrassment.

The metal trays are stacked neatly on the table and all food are quickly eaten or drunk, your left-unattended-smoothie one of those.

“C’mon, let’s just head to class already,” you propose to the two. Connor glares at Jared and if looks could kill, you have no doubt he’d be six foot under already. Jared returns it with a shit-eating grin, and you just sigh.

The group splits up to go attend their respective classes, but you can tell by the light in Jared’s eyes, that even with the mention of Connor’s incident with cats that turning into one is going to be something he’ll be thinking of for a very long time

“Are you still thinking about that?”

Roaming the streets after classes on a Thursday afternoon is a ritual for the two of you, a way of prepping yourselves up for Friday. The two of you would usually head to the arcade first, before eating ice cream at A la Mode. Today, however, the two of you were walking around the marketplace. Jared, in response to your question just shrugged.

“[Name], everybody wants to be a cat,” he chides you, a mock-disappointed look on his face.. You, on the other hand groan. “Do you really have to bring up that song?”

You hastily cover his mouth with yours when you hear him begin to hum it, before going still and licking your hand. You squeak, dropping your hand and wiping off the drool with your handkerchief, but still. You shoot a glare at him. Jared just snickers.

A brief look to the right, and you think you just found something that can help redirect his attention. “Oh look, someone finally set up a new shop there,” you point out, trying to change the subject. Jared sends a dubious look your way, but you soldier on. “You wanna check it out?”

“Alright, but only because you look like you’ll have a fit if we don’t go in there.” The amused look on his face makes you want to rip it off of him, but you hold yourself back.

The moment the two take a foot inside the shop, the two of you are amazed.

The inside of the shop has the feel of something old and powerful in the atmosphere, as though the very air is constantly buzzing. The walls are painted a nice shade of dark brown, and the floor is covered by a thick, red carpet. All kinds of items decorate the shelves, ranging from what seems to be herbs and potions enclosed in a bottle, to even necklaces and rings with jewels embedded in them. One item in particular, you notice, is a hand holding a candle. When you come closer to examine it, you can see the small, detailed item summary of it below.

Written on the summary, you read that the hand is called the Hand of Glory. That if the candle is lit up, with someone holding the wrist, the hand will only provide light for the holder. It amazes a part of you. But on the other hand, the larger, more rational part tells you that that can’t be scientifically true.

“Woah, [Name], look at this!” Jared’s voice is a bit high-pitched, as it always does when he’s found something exciting and/or interesting, and you can only guess what it is. Nevertheless, you go over to his side, to see…

… Jared holding a dusty old book (tome?) in his hands, a giddy look on his face. Gods, was he serious? You sidle up next to him, reading the words written on the book. The page he’s reading tells you of a ritual to give life to inanimate objects, and you feel a chill settle on your spine as you read the ingredients and material needed. If someone actually took the ritual as real, then they would have just lost a ton of blood, money and hair there.

“Jared, what the hell is this?” Your grumble doesn’t go past him unnoticed, but he ignores the disbelief in your voice.

“It’s a book for rituals,” he tells you, grinning. There’s a hint of madness and mischief in that grin, you know it.

“And you want to show it to me, because…” You drawl, a part of you hoping it’s not because-

Jared flips the book to a page and this time, you really can’t help but groan.

There, written on the page is a ritual to understanding cat language.

“Jared, no.”

“Jared yes!”

“I’m not going to help you do that,” you hiss at him with a glare.

“It wouldn’t take much to do the ritual, c’mon [Name]. I’ll pay for the book and everything we need too, all you have to do is help me set it up,” he argues back, giving you a pleading look. You wince when you make the mistake of looking at him.

Damn it.

Jared all but pouts now, and you feel your eye twitch.

“Alright then. Let’s do this ritual.” Your agreement makes him grin widely at you, but you cross your arms and then explain. “The ritual may just be a sham, but if you really wanna do it, then I won’t be the one to crush your dreams of being a cat. I’ll let the ritual do that for me.”

“But you’ll help me,” he says, grinning.

“I’ll help you,” you say with a sigh, already regretting your decision.

“Are you sure that this is how it’s supposed to look like?”

The heavy rain and thunderstorm outside makes you glad you’re not alone at home for tonight. The two of you, after buying the book proceeded to go hunting for the materials needed. While the two of you were still looking around for what you needed, the sky was already dark and covered with rain clouds. And the moment you stepped out of the last store, the rain had come pelting down in droves. The two of you were utterly soaked, but Jared insisted that it was better than getting the materials wet.

As your house was closer, in a fit of exasperation you proposed that the two of you just do it at your house, and now here you were.

“Yeah. Now we just have to turn off the lights, light up the candles, get inside the circle and wait for the light to come on again,” he half-says, half-instructs. You move to do as told, turning off the lights. In the meanwhile, Jared starts lighting the candles. Soon, the room is blanketed in darkness, save for the circle of candles in the middle, and Jared and you in the middle of that.

“What I want to know is why I need to be inside the circle too,” you grumble.

“I need someone to be a witness,” Jared explains. It doesn’t really help you feel better about the situation, but you humor him and get into the circle of candles.

Another thunder and lightning flashes in the sky, and you almost jump a foot into the air. Is it just you, or are is the time interval between the lightning and thunder getting shorter? The dark, gloomy atmosphere of the room doesn’t help quell your nerves… You turn to your companion.

“Jared, are you really sure that this will wo-!”

You squeak in surprise at the sudden thunder, falling over. Fuck, that sounded as it was just outside your house! Jared, in his attempt to catch you, ends up falling on you, his face landing straight on your neck. All the lights in the house go off- even outside. There’s a beat of silence, and of nothing but the rain thundering outside. You can’t see anything, and you hope that that goes the same for Jared too, because if anything else your face is as red as ever right now.

Jared's head fits in the crook of your neck, his nose lightly nuzzling your shoulder and his hair brushing your cheek. When the situation actually registers in your mind, you almost push him off of you, if he himself didn't push himself up on unstable arms. As he moves away, you catch a brief scent of chips and soda,with a lingering smell of chamomile. He lets out a small, shaky exhale.

"You okay there, Jared?"

"That's what I should be asking you, you know. Then again, you do have one hell of a clumsy ass," he immediately snarks, face still flushed red. He does get up, though, and offers a hand to you

But then-

A flash of white light. Lightning strikes again, and the lights in the house come back on. You let out a relieved exhale, before remembering that the ritual would have been over by now, since the lights were back on.

When you get back on your feet and turn to Jared, you’re prepared to laugh at him for even thinking this ritual would work. Maybe even take a picture of his face after.

What you weren’t expecting to see were the whiskers and the twitching ears, a clump of fluff meowing near your feet.

You twitched.

“Oh no.”

“You turned into a cat,” you state. You say the sentence as though it’s a normal, everyday thing to do. Turning into a cat, that is.

Staring at your bestfriend, who was now turned into a cat (sweet gods above, what the hell what the hell what thehell-) you can barely believe the situation that is in front of you.

Jared (Cat? Jared-the-cat?) gives you a giddy meow back, and you… you really aren’t sure what you’re supposed to be feeling right now. There was a Jared in your living room. And now there is a cat in the place of your best friend, gleefully running around on all fours. Granted, their running involves a lot of crashing and tripping, but they’re still running around the living room, rubbing themselves on the couch even. You… You can’t even.

A crash near the windows kicks your mind back into gear and you twitch at the sight of the broken vase. The pieces are scattered all over the floor, water dripping down into a puddle and the flowers partially ruined.

Jared stands by the side, wide-eyed.

“… why,” you moan.

“Shhh, you’ll get us in trouble!” You furiously hiss at Jared-the-cat, who had now gone from lazily shredding holes in your couch (and boy were you going to get back at him for doing that) to trying to climb your curtains.  Sharp claws rip your poor curtains into shreds, and you hold back a wave of fury at him. At this point, you still weren’t sure if he retained human thinking or was actually thinking as a cat, but damn if your stuff wasn’t precious to you! Considering the fact that you were going to get in so much trouble if your parents found the state of your room…

You could only groan at the thought of it.

By now, the lights in the hallway were turned off, save for the one by the stairs (and dear lord did that creep you out still). An hour after the disaster, your parents had come home. Thankfully by then, you had already cleaned up the mess left in the living room. Still, when dinner rolled around you hadn’t been able to get food. There was still the terrifying possibility that someone would go into your room before you and see Jared-the-cat, so you pretty much holed yourself in your room. At the current time, though, it was already late enough that everyone would be asleep in their rooms. And you, would have freedom for the time.

“Now, what do cats eat…” You mumble to yourself, sneaking downstairs. Jared-the-cat follows you from behind, jumping around from time to time. You hiss a warning to him to stay quiet.

Heading straight to the refrigerator, you look around for anything to eat. What do cats eat? The only thing that comes to your mind is fish and milk, the only thing that television shows as cat food (other than legitimate cat food as in pellets). You search the internet for any answer, and eventually decide on some chicken strips and rice.

“Hey Jared, would you be okay with eating- JarED YOU FUCK, GET THE FUCK DOWN!” You furiously hiss at him, who’s climbed the cabinet holding the junk food halfway up. Damn it, damn it, damnit why did you even ever let him out of your sight. You have half a mind to grab him by the tail and drop him on the floor, and you really want to do that, but that would just give him more brain damage. Jared Kleinman couldn’t afford to lose anymore brain cells with how much of a moron he was already.

Instead, you take in a deep breath, go over and gently detach him from the cabinet handle, but as if by fate, when you get him, he swipes a claw at you and you accidentally let him go. To fall. On the pots and pans on the counter. Which, of course, proceeds to fall on the floor and noisily.

You really wonder if this was karma for turning Jared into a cat.

When you hear someone open a door upstairs, you just grab a packet of sardines and immediately dart into the living room, hiding behind the couch. You don’t forget to grab Jared, of course, who looks just as shaken as you by the sudden loud noise.

Footsteps echo from the staircase and you huddle even further into the space behind the couch. From your position, you can see your father squinting into the darkness. Oh gods. You can see the moment he registers the mess in the kitchen, and you shiver. Hopefully, he doesn’t set off his allergies with the cat fur. You turn to Jared-the-cat to tell him to hide in your sweater, but then you gape.

Jared’s eyes, the shade somewhere in between blue and green, stare back at you in panic.

“Shit, did you really just change back now!?” You hiss at him in disbelief, even more so when he sheepishly shrugs his shoulders. You hear your dad begin to sneeze loudly in the kitchen, eventually cursing out loud about cats and their damned fur.

“This has got to be one of the worst times for you change back!” You groan at him, then blanche when you realize what it might look like if the two of you would be found by your father.

Chancing a quick look again at the kitchen, you see your father head outside to check for any cats, and let out a sigh of relief. “C’mon, let’s go Jared, while my dad’s outside,” you hurriedly tell him, tugging on his hand. Jared’s hands are cold and clammy, and the moment you hold them his face goes bright red.

In the darkness, with you holding his hand and your bodies close to each other, close enough that you can feel his breath on your shoulder, you would be an idiot to not be aware of the situation. His hands are softer than you imagine it to be, though it’s not free of scars or calluses. It’s also big enough to fit perfectly with yours, his fingers brushing over your knuckles curiously. You’re very, very happy that he doesn’t have his glasses right then and there, because if he did you’re your blush would have been way more noticeable. And as it is, you choose to focus more on your mission. There’s no way he can sneak out of the house now, what with your dad circling around it, but he could hide in your room until your dad went back to sleep.

Thankfully Jared catches on eventually and the two of you tiptoe back to your room. Along the way, he still doesn’t let go of your hand, at one point even squeezing it to reassure you.

The moment you two step back into your room, though, when you turn back to him you find out that he’s turned back into a cat. Again.

… Well. At least you have food.

“No,” you firmly say. “You’re not sleeping on my bed after that. Get off, Jared.”

You stare him down, pushing a soft, cotton plush of yours into the corner afterwards. You point it to him and gesture for him to lay down there. Jared-the-cat gives you a sad, sad look, but you stand firm and unswayable in your decision.

“You’re sleeping there. Now go.” The last part is accompanied by a sharp poke in the ribs, and he meows at you pitifully before doing as told.

The next morning, you’re awakened to sharp, prickling sensations on your stomach. You hiss in pain, a hand automatically reaching out to push off whatever it is that’s prickling you. When you don’t feel anymore pain on your stomach, you try to go back to sleep. Keyword: try.

Someone loudly meows in your ears, before licking your cheek.

When you look up, it’s to Jared’s big, blue-green eyes, and the memories of last night floods back into you.

“Damn it, I hoped it was a dream.”

“[Name], do you know where Jared is?” You really weren’t prepared when Jared’s mom suddenly called you while you were changing. It was only now that the two of you realized that with everything that had happened last night, Jared slept over in your room. His mom and dad usually just about trusted Jared with himself on most things, but he didn’t come home at all last night so the call was only expected.

“That- he slept over at my house. Sorry, Mrs. Kleinman. There’s this project we have in APUSH class, and we fell asleep working on it together last night,” you hastily lie, urging her to accept it in your head.  Jared always lied to his mom and dad and it always worked, so hopefully this one would too. Right?

“He- My parents also said it’d be okay with them if he stayed over at our house until we completed the project, so please don’t worry about him.”

“Did he now?” Mrs. Kleinman’s voice echoes through the phone, a small giggle slipping out from her. “Thanks for having him over, [Name]. Well, if it’s you, then I’m not surprised if it took you a lot of time to complete your project.”

“If it’s me?” You repeat, confused.

“Yes, well, Jared likes you,” she says. “Jared doesn’t talk too much about school, let alone his friends… but he mentions your name a lot. Sometimes I’ll come home to him asleep in the living room and he’ll say your name in his sleep!”

“O-Oh,” is all you can say, cheeks flushed red now. Does that mean-? You shake the thought of your head immediately.

“When you can, please tell him to call sometime before he goes home, please?” She asks, and you hastily nod your head even though you know she can’t see you. “I- I will, Mrs. Kleinman. Thank you.”

“No, thank you, dear.”

And if possible, you feel your face get even redder.

An hour later, your face is red again, just not for the same reason.

“Jared, c’mon, just get in-!” You hiss in pain when Jared’s claws come in contact with your arm, leaving a trail of red, angry scratches on them. He hisses back at you, frantically trying to get away from you. Still, you know better than to let him do that. Who knows what mischief he’s going to get himself into if left by himself? You cannot explain to anyone why you even have a cat, nevermind how you got him.

For a moment, you consider it. The next moment, you grab a carton of milk, pour some in a glass and offer it to him. He squints at you, before raising his head high and turning away from it.

… The little shit.

“Jared, what the fuck do you want,” you bite out. Your patience running a bit thin by the fact that class is going start in a few minutes, you still haven’t done your assignment (and it just has to be the one for the class where you have a strict teacher!), you still have scratches untreated on your arm, and Jared just won’t get into your bag already.

His eyes turn pitiful at your tone and he paws at you softly. You take in a deep breath- and repeatedly remind yourself that leaving him by himself is not an option you can take at any cost if you still want freedom from your parents. If they ever got a hint that you brought any animal into the house, you would be grounded for months.

You take one look at Jared’s defiant spite towards the small space in your bag, to the baggy, spacey inside of your sweater, and come to a decision that you know you’ll regret but will do so anyway.

“You can hide in my sweater,” you say, ignoring his sudden stunned look. His face erupts in a blush and you have no doubt that were Jared a human right now, he’d be stammering out insults and jokes at your expense. You soldier on. “Jared, get in my sweater right now. I have the uniform underneath it, so it’s not like you’re going to be in between me and my bra,” you say exasperatedly, willing him to just get it done and over with already.

After several moments of silence, Jared putters over to the underside of your sweater, his face still flushed red. You lift it up and after a moment’s hesitance, he climbs in, high enough until he can rest his head on the top of the collar. You adjust the sweater the best you can to cover up the lump visible that is his body, and hope no one notices.

“And for the love of all that is holy, stay quiet and behave. Please,” you beg him as you head off to school.

If only you could predict the chaos and mayhem ahead of you.

“[Name], g-good morning,” Evan greets you as soon as you walk in. You send him a smile, internally freaking out over the fact that there were so many people shit please let no one notice.

“Morning Ev,” you greet back. “How was the speech report in English?”

He smiles, a bashfully happy sort of air around him when you mention it, and a part of you hopes that that means it went well for him.

“C-Connor helped me practice speaking out loud before the class, and I actually g-got through it with less s-stuttering than before,” he admits. You grin at him, hoping that it conveys all the encouragement you want to give him.

“Ev, that’s amazing! Soon enough, you’ll get through your speeches with no stuttering at all,” you tell him.

Evan flushes red, but he also smiles back, before frowning faintly. You wonder what it is that’s wrong, and then he asks you one of the worst questions you could be asked right now.

“[Name], i-isn’t- uhm- d-did you-“ Evan’s stuttering comes back full force, and you can see the question he’s all but dying to ask in his throat. You swallow back the instinct to run, acutely feeling Jared squirm inside your sweater before holy shit did he just lay back in between your breasts this boy you swear you’re going to kill- “-Jared’s usually walks with you to school, so I was just wondering what happened since you’ve never gone to school without Jared beside you when you walk in and-“

“Relax, Evan,” you advise him, even as your head is spinning. “Besides, we’re not that close, are we? Half the time I’m not even sure if Jared likes me.”

“He really does!” Evan’s sudden exclamation makes you jump about a foot into the air. Jared, who you know has been listening from the comfort of your sweater, actually digs his claws into your shoulder. You hiss a little in pain, and he relaxes enough to pull them off. “Well, I mean, I- I think so? It’s just, I’ve never seen any of you without the other, and, and Jared always smiles more when he’s with you and he laughs more, a-and he looks at you a lot. And, I-I mean, um, that- that is-“

“Jared’s just… hungover at my house,” you hurriedly cut in. Holy shit, you can feel your face burning up. At the same time, you cringe at yourself for using such an unrealistic excuse, but it was the first thing that came to your mind. “He got drunk last night and I had to haul his ass to bed. Come morning, he was sick with a fever from the rain last night, so he’s resting right now. Most likely sleeping the whole thing off.” You hastily add the ‘sick’ part at the end, hoping that it would dissuade Evan from contacting Jared, or at least providing an excuse if he wouldn’t be able to answer.

“Oh…” Evan mumbles, and there’s an air of silence. Evan fidgets with the straps of his bag before looking up again. “Can you- uh, can you tell him that I hope he gets better soon?”

Dear gods, what a sweet boy. You nod. “I will.”

He gives you another look, before he steels himself and asks again.

“A-And, uhm, I- I think you have a k-kitten? In your sweater?”

You gulp audibly.

“This… uh, this is just nothing, Evan. A cousin of mine came by and, well, he, he left his kitten to me for the meanwhile, asked if I could look after him,” you make up a lie on the spot and hope he doesn’t notice. Because the universe loves fucking you over, of course he notices the fallacies in your sentence.

“But… w-weren’t your parents opposed to animals, e-especially cats?” He asks, and you shrug again. “They gave me a whole lot of rules and responsibilities in looking after him, but it’s all good,” you placate him. You then glance at the clock, and hope fervently that the class hasn’t started yet. Evan of course notices your glance, and, flushing a little, he apologizes.

“Sorry… you should probably go t-to class already, huh…”

“No- well I mean yeah, but- later, lunch?”

“O-Okay. See you later, [Name]!”

You set off to attend your first class, or, as you glance at the clock, what little time’s left for it. It’s already been past the usual for about ten minutes and you desperately hope that the teacher lets you off easy.

“Miss [Name]. How nice of you to finally show up,” your teacher drawls with poorly-covered annoyance, and you shrink back a little. The resulting shift has Jared unintentionally letting out a meow and you swear to the gods above.

“Did anyone hear a cat meowing just now?” One of your classmates looks around with a bemused look on their face, and you will yourself to not just grab Jared and squeeze him tight in your annoyance.

Your teacher, on the other hand, stares you down, the intense scrutiny making you nervous, but damn if you back down. If you do, Jared might fall out of your sweater and-

That just sets you up for a worse problem.

“Head to your seat, Miss [Name],” your teacher eventually sighs, before pinning you with a glare. “And remember to come to class earlier next time.”

“Yes ma’am,” you meekly respond.

Class is as boring as ever, and you re-think your decision in attending. The teacher drones on and on, and you really just feel sleepy. Jared paws at you from under your sweater, so after taking a quick look at your teacher (who was still going on and on and on), you let him out and onto your skirt.

“What’s the matter?” You whisper the question to him. He shakes his head, before looking around with a panicked sort of bravado, as if pretending that nothing was wrong while knowing that something major was about to happen.

You yourself look around, unsure of what you’re supposed to be looking for, when you hear it.

You hear a very, very soft bark. One that is followed a squeaking meow.

“Oh no…”

The boy to your left halts and turns to you, as do you to him.

And his puppy. Hidden in his bag.

Jared and the puppy lock gazes, and there is complete silence for a second. And then…

The puppy jumps from the boy’s arms, to his desk, and then to yours. Jared, on the other hand, jumps down to the floor and runs away from him. The girl in front of you then screams loudly, jumping out of her chair and tripping over to the ground. “Something just touched my leg!”

… it all descends to pandemonium.

Jared runs all over the classroom, darting in and out and under your classmates’ legs, freaking them all out. The puppy that’s chasing him doesn’t relent in its pursue of him, and there is a mixture of yowling and barking all over the place. The tables and chairs get knocked over, notebooks and pencils and pens flying all over the place. Even the bags aren’t spared, and you cast a glance at the mess of food in the back, where one of your classmates must have been secretly eating food. There’s a whole lot of screaming and shouting, and just about everyone starts climbing up the tables. If not the tables, then sprinting to the door just to get out.

Your teacher, though, looks as if she’s going to have a screaming fit at any moment.

You pray to the gods above that she doesn’t ever find out that you brought the cat.

The two of them eventually run out of the classroom, and with it the chaos eventually stops. Still, the class is still a mess, and you doubt that the class is going to continue now, so…

You mutter dark curses under your and sneak out of the room, trying to find out where Jared had gone. Along the way you hastily mumble a ‘sorry’ to your teacher and to your classmates, before darting out.

How many more times must you endure this? This is hell. Everything about this is hell, and if you have to look for Jared-the-cat under the tables of another classroom, you’re going to have a melt down.

Where did he go, anyway? The school is big, but it shouldn’t be big enough that it’s too hard to look for someone like Jared, who-

Who is a cat right now, which means he might get taken by the teachers. Where he is, at least, there must be chaos, right? You check the hallways for any unnatural noise- it should still be time for classes. Most of the hallways are quiet, so you pass them over, but at the last one…

Shouts and yells emanate from the sewing club and you don’t know what you’re going to see, but you hope that Jared isn’t causing too much chaos…

The moment you come in, you’re not sure what to expect, but a room full of girls cooing and playing with Jared-the-cat is not one of them. Regardless, there they are in front of your eyes. Sewing machine and mannequins are set to the side, fabrics left neatly folded on the tables. Sewing tools are neatly placed in their container. The room is currently somewhat clean, if not for the trails of yarn all over the place, but other than that there isn’t any other mess. And in the middle of it all, is Jared-the-cat lying on a large, human-sized Totoro doll, lazily batting three balls of yarn. A crowd of girls surround him, yarn balls and plush dolls set out like an offering to him, the girls squealing over how cute he is. Some are even taking pictures!

You stand awkwardly by the doorway, internally debating on whether or not you should go and get him or just leave, but then one of the girls notice you and come over.

“Is he yours?” She asks you. There’s a smile on her face as she waves a piece of grass in Jared-the-cat’s face, giggling when he bats at them. He doesn’t quite get them in his paws, but the grass tickles his nose and makes him sneeze.

You try not to fall for that cute face, remembering the torture you’ve been through today, but still. “Kind of,” you just say instead. “He’s a friend of mine.”

“A… friend of yours? You must really like cats!” “Not anymore,” you mumble under your breath. “Still, if he’s yours, then you can take him if you want. You know, we were kind of surprised when he first appeared, and he caused quite a mess… but he just wants to play, doesn’t he?”

“He’s a very playful cat,” you agree.

She softly giggles again, before stepping back. “There, you can pick him up if you want,” she says, smiling at you.

“Thank you,” you mumble before crouching down. Jared’s still laid out on the Totoro doll, dozing off in the sunlight and after all those food… you gently pick him up and cradle him to your chest. Some of the girls whine, but they let you leave with him for the most part.

Before you leave, though, the girl you were talking to before speaks up again, giving you a small smile. “Yup, you’re his owner alright. He didn’t let anyone touch him, and he still won’t let anyone close…” She lets out a little laugh.

“I… I guess.” You place Jared into your sweater again, the movement somewhat jostling him awake. You then leave the room.

Have you pissed off the gods recently? Done anything bad? Or is it because of the whole ritual-to-turn-into-a-cat thing? Whatever it is, the moment you step outside, you hear a teacher’s voice echo around the corner, and blanche in fear.

“Oh no,” you squeak, before you feel Jared slipping from your sweater and falling out. The next moment, there’s a puff of smoke and Jared-the-human in all his glory stands before you, eyes wide and surprised as well. His glasses are, once again, missing, and the two of you are suddenly acutely aware that if the two of you are caught outside classes and given detention, there’s a very good chance that Jared might get into more trouble when he changes back into a cat.

This time, it’s his turn to grab your hand and tug you into the nearest janitor’s closet, immediately closing it as soon as possible. The door clicks shut just as the teacher turns around the corner, audibly talking to someone.

The two of you, though, are stuck inside the closet for the meantime.

Jared’s face is inches from your own, his nose close enough to brush gently against yours. The closet must have been primarily used for storage, because there’s not much space to fit in inside, and considering there’s two of you it’s not a surprise that it’s a tight fit. The two of you are chest to chest, close enough that if you lean in just a bit more, you would already be kissing him. It’s also dark inside the closet, but that is more of a blessing than a curse.

“You know, I imagined the first time I’d be going into a janitor’s closet with you to be different,” he shakily says, a low chuckle slipping out from him. You’re not sure if the flirty undertone of his voice is a result of the fact that the two of you are pressed together in a janitor closet, that both Evan and his mother told you that he likes you, or that he’s been pressed close to your chest the whole morning. Damn if it wasn’t working, though.

“What, with you professing your love for me?” You snipe back, fully aware of the heavy blush on your face.

“Maybe, but I was thinking instead of that, we’d-“

You clamp your hand over his, breath stilling when you hear the teacher’s voice get louder. You’re not sure if they heard something or not, but you’re not taking any chances.

Eventually, you hear their voice grow fainter again in the distance and you release your hold on Jared’s mouth.

“You really need to learn how to shut up,” you huff.

“You could make me shut up,” he suggests.

“Good idea. It’d be harder to talk with a broken jaw.”

“I’m thinking of another way.”

“What, cut out your tongue?”

“Well, you were certainly on the spot with the tongue part.” Jared winks at you at the last part, your face immediately going redder even more. A beat of silence passes.

“What’s with the sudden confidence anyway?” You eventually huff, finally opening the door, if only to get out of the situation. Jared’s hand encloses around your wrist, though, and when you look back, he blurts out, “Da-“

-and you swear to god, the very next second, the very next second, he turns back into a cat.

You can’t even. You bury your face into your hands, giggles and chuckles slipping out of you, before you’re outright laughing at him, who just about sinks his claws into your leg.

“No. Nope. You’re not sleeping on the bed.” You glare at him, one hand clutching your thick, fluffy comforter. Jared-the-cat only blinks sleepily at you, before walking over to the other side of the bed and laying down on top of everything. You poke him. One eye cracks open, and you push him off of the bed. Slowly. He climbs back up again and lays down on the exact same spot. Your eye twitches- you push him off again. He climbs back up again. Again, you push him off, and he just climbs back up.

You groan. “Alright, alright, whatever. You want to sleep on the bed, fine. Just don’t go over to my side,” you warn him. He meows back in agreement, and you finally drift off to sleep, feeling someone lick you on the cheek.

The sunshine burns hot on the bed and doubly so for you, who’s wrapped up in the blankets. You let out a miserable groan, not wanting to get out of the bed yet, but also finding it way too hot to do anything.  It’s hard, but somehow you manage to go over to the other side of the bed, seeking asylum in the shade, when you bump into something hard.

You mumble a curse into the bed, before looking up and-

Jared’s face peers down at you. There’s a good amount of unholy glee on his face, his smile wide enough to split his face in half.

“Holy shit!” You curse loudly as you sit upright on the bed, frazzled. Jared full out laughs at you, a hand on his stomach as he does. “Jared, you fucking dick-“ the sudden realization hits you. “-you’re human again!”

“Jared-the-human, at your service,” he gasps out, the laughter finally dying down, and you hold back the urge to punch him in the face. He did just turn back after all. Instead, you settle for throwing a pillow at him. It smacks him on the face, knocking his glasses off with it and it’s your turn to laugh at him.

When the two of you sober up, you notice that he’s already dressed in his clothes, along with his glasses on his face. “This time, it’s permanent, right?”

“I think so,” he answers. “Not that I wouldn’t want to go through that again. Being a cat was as amazing as I thought it was, of course, but there’s a limit to how much awesome I can contain. A lot of fun, though.”

You glare at him, pointing at him. “You mean for you, considering it was me cleaning up all your messes! And I hope that that teaches you to not just follow rituals blindly!”

He snickers at you. “No need to be so cranky, geez. If you want, you can have have your turn next time. Wanna turn into a kitty cat? I’ll take good care of you, I promise,” he says in between his fucking giggling.

“I hate you.”

“That’s not what you said last night when we slept together,” he says, a smug, shit-eating grin on his face.

“Just get dressed already, Kleinman,” you grumpily mutter, preparing to go get breakfast, when you feel him grab your wrist. When you turn around to snark on him, you suddenly feel soft, chapped lips cover your own.

The kiss itself lasts only for a short time, a few seconds even, but the stunned reaction on your face lasts a lot longer than that. In return is Jared’s face, as red as yours, and you honestly feel like just about fainting right now. Still, after a moment or two, he buries his face into his hands and mumbles something out loud.

“… just date me already, you nerd.”

“Gladly,” you say, reveling in the deeply flushed look you get in response, before cupping his face and kissing him.

And this time, he stays human. If there’s anything good that came out of the whole fiasco, you guess, it’s this.

(Also, casually tagging @yikesjaredkleinman for giving me encouragement to finish this. Thank you so much, and I hope you enjoy it lmao)

[updatedphan]

🐶 dan’s younow march 7, 2017 🐶

I Kidnapped a Dog..

read on google drive with links

-hello -lets start this new week of chat -he wasn’t here last week because of younow was broken and they dm’d him like dont go live it’s not working -but he did pop his head on phil’s liveshow. -everyone’s obsessed with his space blanket -he isn’t a blanket person but a friend bought the space blanket for him and now he can’t imagine life without blankets -he petted a dog earlier, this is the highlight of the stream -his neighbours own the apartment they live in and they can have dogs, and they can’t because their landlord doesn’t let them. -their neighbours left their dog in the hallway bcos it was muddy and then, dan went to get a parcel and left his door open and then suddenly there was a dog in the room -and he pet it, he got on the floor and he was just babytalking it  like who’s a good boy and it left mud all over him and all his possessions, but that was okay because he’s still a good boy and he is valid. -but then he heard kerfuffle downstairs and it was their neighbours who thought the dog had ran away to the street and ended up dead or in another country. They had been looking for like an hour. -turns out dan had just had it in the office in their apartment and didn’t tell anyone because he liked his presence. -he basically kidnapped the dog -dan has not seen wicked and everyone is freaking out. -whats with stay hydrated comments? 2017 is the year to be wholesome and spread positivity, and it’s a theme that will stay on their videos. -everyone they know got sent a Nintendo Switch except them, so they sent a mail asking for one, and they were like who are u so they got #rejected but they were like can we have one please, and they sent them one cos they’re friends with pj. -licking the cartridges is one of the all time dan and phil shitpost videos  theyve ever done. -thanks tomska and all the other people in the world that were disappointed in dan and phil. -don’t do it they had to clean 1-2 switch bcos it wasn’t working. -some people gave them ironic kudos, some people were ANGRY at the trash content, as if they would ever upload something like that seriously -he doesn’t think the people who made 1-2 switch thought it’d be so sexual. -sometimes they add the innuendos in the videos but this was too much -he couldn’t say innuendo for at least 30 seconds -”shut up brooklyn i’ll be incorrect whenever i want to” -he thinks it’s not worth to get the switch yet because there’s no games. -golf with friends was the most classy video ever. -minigolf yes lads -the golf lifestyle is really snobby and gross but he could subscribe to it. -archie on riverdale is such a wet sponge -he sometimes like phanart and doesn’t read the caption and it says like “here’s dan fisting phil” and he thought it was like them playing crossy road or something, so whoops. -wavy hair is trendy at the moment and he loves not straightening his hair -what in tarnation meme, he’s behind any meme that is incredibly stupid and easy. -he loves cash me outside how bout dah, he thinks it’ll be a reference forever. -who cooks him or phil? They take turns depending on how lazy they are, but sometimes they cook at different times cos he’s playing videogames for 10 hours or editing until 11pm. -most decisions are done with rock paper scissors -the reason they haven’t confirmed any conventions it’s cos they aren’t sure they can commit with the times, the reason they’re going to australia is cos they wanted an excuse to go to hong kong again. -he doesn’t know how to feel about wikileaks, they used to be edgy good guys and now they have a strange right wing agenda and it’s weird and he doesn’t trust it anymore. -”talk about the oscars you twat” -they stayed up and phil fell asleep and he took a creepshot. -he and phil are having a public creepshot war and this is gonna keep escalating -because of #OscarsSoWhite last year, he thought they couldn’t give best picture to La La Land. -he thought Moonlight deserved it. -the mix up: he was upset when la la land won but then when the shitstorm happened: wtf. -he loves la la land don’t get him wrong, it’s just that moonlight was more mature and a better drama. -When the oscars give the best picture to something, it’s kind of a spotlight for something. -People say it shouldn’t be political but when u have a movie about white people and jazz and becoming rich celebrities in hollywood and another about working-class black gay people, what’s more relevant of 2017? -he would’ve liked if lin-manuel had won. -he isn’t interested in sjw tumblr zootopia vs moana discussion, both movies are wholesome. -there’s future project but he’s going with the flow for now. He has Dreams. He has Fleeting Daydreams. -if ur a horror fan, go watch The Witch -dont worry about the danisnotonfire video, its coming eventually -he doesn’t remember when he called us danosaurs, that never happened. -he hope youve had a nice couple weeks and days -he thinks he’s gonna be here next week, he has a dinner but he’ll try to get here in time -have a nice time, bye.

[fystarlust]

1-100 😘

1. What are your hobbies?

~ horse riding

2. If you could have dinner with any 3 living or dead people, who would they be and why?

~ jacksepticeye, steve irwin, taehyung. a weird but interesting mix 

3. What makes you laugh?

~ my gf, my bff, animals, memes, myself lol

4. What was the last good thing that happened to you?

~ *insert side eye emoji*

5. What is your biggest goal?

~ be happyyy

6. What do you think is the meaning of life?

~ BE HAPPY

7. Do you believe in an afterlife?

~ kind of kind of not

8. Do you have any pet peeves?

~ people who are rude and have no manners

9. What do you like to do on the weekends?

~ ride my horse, see my gf if she’s home

10. What was your favorite TV show growing up?

~ brother bear

11. What is your favorite TV show now?

~ the walking dead

12. What are your favorite movies?

~ i hate this questions its on every one go away

13. Tell me one surprising fact about you.

~ im sick at cod

14. What do you look for in a significant other?

~ honesty

15. What were you like as a child?

~ i used to scream at everyone and constantly do jazz hands so no one could put gloves on me, i was cute though

16. What are some things on your bucket list?

~ travel, travel, travel

17. Who has had the biggest influence on your life?

~ probably my gf

18. Do you have any pets or have you ever owned any?

~ yes lots

19. Talk about a challenge you had recently and how you overcame it or how you plan to.

~ my dog kept escaping out the back gate so i had to fix another fence onto it (((:

20. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what song would you choose and why?

~ adventure of a lifetime cos its upbeat n nice

21. Talk about a favorite childhood memory.

~ cant remember any ha

22. What is your favorite commercial?

~ none i hate them

23. If you could give your younger self one piece of advice, what would it be and why?

~ honey, you got a big storm comin’

24. If you were stuck on a deserted island and could only bring one thing, what would it be?

~ bear grylls

25. Who is your celebrity crush?

~ tae

26. Who is your favorite musical artist?

~ bts

27. What is your favorite music genre?

~ kpoppp

28. What is your favorite color?

~ baby blue

29. What would you do if you won a million dollars?

~ spoil tf out of my gf, get another horse, travel

30. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?

~ the ability to have all superpowers

31. What is your dream vacation?

~ probably santorini, greece

32. What actor or actress would star as you in a movie about your life?

~ idk?

33. Where did you grow up?

~ radstock yeet

34. If you could trade lives with anyone else for one day, who would you trade with?

~ donald trump so i could kill myself

35. What is your favorite book?

~ dont have one

36. Who is your favorite author?

~ dont have one

37. Who do you look up to?

~ jacksepticeye

38. What is your favorite food ever?

~ i cant choose

39. Are you a picky eater?

~ kind of?

40. Drunken story time! Go!

~ no thanks

41. What beverage do you consume most often?

~ water

42. What is the first thing you wash in the shower?

~ my face

43. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

~ yes

44. How are you feeling right now?

~ sore

45. Do you plan out your outfits?

~ if im going somewhere nice yes

46. What is the closest red item to you?

~ my brother’s business book

47. Talk about the last dream you remember having.

~ ellie got kidnapped by a creepy non man man

48. Do you love yourself?

~ sometimes

49. When was the last time you cried and why?

~ this morning bc i was watching cute animal vids

50. Have you ever met a celebrity?

~ not like, talked to them, met no

51. Have you ever been to a concert?

~ yes, 1D x 2 and 5SOS x 4

52. What are you listening to right now?

~ my dogs wrestle

53. Have you ever flown in an airplane?

~ yes

54. What is the craziest thing you've ever done?

~ im not a crazy person

55. Are your parents or guardians strict?

~ no

56. Did you have a good childhood?

~ up to a point

57. Have you ever been in love?

~ am currently

58. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

~ lick it, im not an animal

59. Did the one person who hurt you most in your life ever apologize?

~ yes

60. What are some of your turn-ons?

~ jess, tae

61. What are some of your turn-offs?

~ 99.9% of other people

62. Would you go skydiving?

~ yes

63. What are you thinking about right now?

~ how this tag is so flipping long

64. Do you ever rent movies?

~ nope

65. Do you ever illegally download entertainment such as music, movies, etc.?

~ my gf does and we watch them hehe

66. What is your zodiac sign?

~ pisces

67. Do you believe in karma or predestiny?

~ karma yes idk what other one is

68. Is there anything you want to say to anyone right now?

~ id tell sean that hes my sunshine

69. Would you rather live a shorter life but be wealthy or live a longer life and struggle financially?

~ probably short n wealthy

70. What is your stance on abortion?

~ their body their choice

71. Do you believe in ghosts?

~ yes

72. Who do you admire and why?

~ my gf, my bff bc they’re wonderful people

73. What was your worst experience while under the influence of drugs or alcohol?

~ dont do drugs, every second on alcohol was the worst

74. Have you ever had a near-death experience?

~ yes i nearly strangled to death when i was little

75. What do you daydream about?

~ life, my gf

76. Where do you want to live after retirement?

~ greece

77. What would you change your first name to?

~ Lily maybe

78. If you believe in a God or Higher Power, what one question would you want to ask Him or Her?

~ why

79. Are you more optimistic or pessimistic?

~ pessimistic but a bit of both

80. Are you more introverted or extroverted?

~ intro

81. What is your dream profession?

~ zookeeper

82. What do you worry about most?

~ everything

83. When was the last time you tried something new and what was it?

~ tortilla chip pringes, theyre amazing

84. Who do you compare yourself to?

~ everyone

85. What excites you about life?

~ my gf

86. What five words would you use to describe your personality?

~ STOP ASKING THIS QUESTION AHHHHH

87. What is one life lesson you learned the hard way?

~ careful who you trust

88. What belief do you have that many people disagree with?

~ i dont think theres any

89. If not now, then when?

~ whenever

90. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?

~ the heck kinda question is this

91. What activities make you lose track of time?

~ fcking my gf

92. If you had to teach an academic subject, what subject would you want to teach?

~ math bc id just tell them give up u dont even use it

93. What is your biggest regret?

~ falling asleep on certain nights

94. What will matter most to you when you're 80 years old?

~ being a sick af gran

95. Are you a messy person or a clean person?

~ bit of both

96. Are you a perfectionist?

~ about some things

97. How tall are you?

~ 5ft2 NOTICE I DIDNT PUT 'AND A HALF’ ELLIE

98. What is your guilty pleasure?

~ i aint guilty about nout

99. Do you prefer sweet or salty?

~ both

100. What is your favorite social media website?

~ youtube

[n64josh]

Nintendo Switch Games With Soundtracks That Go Unnecessarily Hard (And Each Game’s Biggest Bop!)

Nothing immerses us in a game more than a boppin’ soundtrack.  Music has the ability to quickly manipulate our moods and some games just do it so right.  Whether you find yourself fighting a boss to the horns of a heroic symphony or collecting seashells on a beach to a smooth groove, games with good soundtracks always have a way of burrowing into our memories.  Catchy tracks are exactly what make some games so memorable. Just mentioning a certain game can call to memory tunes that never seem to have left our minds. Anyone who’s played a video game before surely has strong memories associated with the game’s soundtrack (from Dark Souls to The Sims).  Some games, like Grand Theft Auto, have allowed people to discover real life artists and even continue to shape our taste in music.

  Our question for you is do you ever find yourself playing a game and thinking “Woah, this music goes unnecessarily hard.”?  Sometimes we wonder what was going through the composer’s head when they were in the studio cranking out their tenth Donkey Kong track that still manages to bring us to tears.  They don’t have to go so hard, but they do it for us.  In this list, I will be highlighting some Nintendo Switch games that have soundtracks that make you think “Wow, I can’t believe the composer went in like that”.  To do this, we will explain why the game deserves to be on the list, how the music relates to the gameplay, then highlight a song from each game that we consider the biggest bop.  Full disclosure: this is just our opinion and we’re no music theorists. Without further ado, here are 8 games (in no particular order) with soundtracks that go hard.  3… 2… 1… let’s jam!

  Cadence of Hyrule:  Crypt of the Necrodancer featuring The Legend of Zelda

What do you get when you cross an iconic Nintendo IP with a kick ass indie rhythm game?  Cadence of Hyrule, obviously.  Crypt of the Necrodancer developer Brace Yourself Games really outdid themselves with this 2019 indie classic.  Cadence of Hyrule tasks players with navigating through a rhythm based rogue-like Hyrule (easily an iteration of Hyrule we’ve never seen before nor may ever see again).  The music and gameplay this time around are tightly knit. The player is tasked with moving Link to the beat (and the beat has never been more satisfying to move to).  Composer Danny Baranowsky had no business going as hard as he did remixing countless Zelda classics into rhythmic jam fests. If you thought Zelda music couldn’t go any harder, you were sorely mistaken.

The one that bops the hardest:  We love us some sick Zelda beats, and the one that goes the hardest this time around is easily “Gerudo Valley”. 

The way the rhythm guitar and drums kick in when you enter the area, then the iconic melody blasting on (what sounds like) horns joins in, it really gets us going.  Watching the little bokoblins dance and grove towards their inevitable death to the beat of this track never fails to satisfy. “Gerudo Valley” has always been a bop, and this version is easily the best of this game.

  Cuphead

Here’s a real high class bout! Cuphead, released for Switch on April 19th, 2019, boasts a fully orchestrated swingin’ jazz + big band soundtrack.  Composer Kristofer Maddigan lovingly crafted 51 jazzy tracks, which act as the backdrop for Cuphead’s many smoothly animated boss fights.  Even Cuphead and Mugman seem to groove with every track in their animations during battle.  Cuphead gave many of us a jazz addiction that we didn’t know we were capable of having.

The one that bops the hardest:  This one is a hard pick because they’re all so good, but we have to go with “Floral Fury”. 

This track plays while fighting the ornery flower Cagney Carnation. Right out of the gate the player is met with quick drumming and a catchy trumpet melody.  As the fight plays out, so does the song. As Cagney throws out more varied attacks, more instruments are added to the track culminating in a hectic battle that really gets the juices flowing.  The jazzy solos and scales add to the hecticness, which makes for an extremely memorable experience.

  Megaman X Legacy Collection 1 + 2

You can’t have a video game music list without mentioning Megaman somewhere.  We know, we know,  this is a legacy collection of multiple classic games, should it really belong on this list?  Yes, it absolutely should.  Megaman X goes hard in the music department.  Developed by Capcom and composed by their inhouse Alpha Lyla group, the original Megaman X had a lot to live up to in the music department.  Where the original Megaman games had classic 8-bit video game-y jams, Megaman X had rad, attitude filled rockin’ 90’s tunes.  Capcom could have just settled for a sound similar to the original games, but this was the 1993, and if you didn’t go hard you might as well have gone home.  The SNES graphics combined with the radical tracks is a match made in heaven.

The one that bops the hardest:  I’m gonna focus on the first game here, and again, this is going to be a controversial pick because all the music is so good, but we’re going to have to go with “Storm Eagle”. 

Many will never forget the first time X dropped into this stage and the sick guitar riff kicked in. It’s truly exhilarating. Controlling X and toughing it out through this sky machine is made all the more exciting by listening to the tasty, recurring guitar lick.  The rhythm guitar just goes so well with the escalating melody and Megaman action. (Man, I’ve got to play through Megaman X again…)

  Super Mario Odyssey

We love Super Mario Odyssey.  A return to 3D sandbox form, Odyssey is filled to the brim with jazzy tracks that are just as fun-loving as the stylish platforming gameplay.  Released in October of 2017 and composed by video game music legend Koji Kondo, Super Mario Odyssey is just as much of a joy to listen to as it is to play.  When one thinks of Mario Odyssey’s music the first song that comes to mind is probably “Jump-Up Superstar!”.  While that one does go hard, it would be too easy to say that it goes the hardest.

The one that bops the hardest:  In our humble opinion, we believe “New Donk City: Daytime” goes harder than it should. 

The New Donk City festival music (“Jump-Up Superstar!”) was already the show stealing track, so one wouldn’t expect the basic daytime music to be such a bop.  With an intro reminiscent of Super Mario 64’s “Bob-omb Battlefield”, New Donk City’s daytime track sounds like a bunch of jazz musicians just having an absolute blast jamming with each other.  There’s even a moon to collect by finding jazz musicians scattered throughout the city! Also, it’s interesting how this game’s music evokes nostalgia in us even though it came out in 2017.

  Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze

Developed by Retro Studios and originally released for the Wii U, Tropical Freeze is arguably one of the greatest 2D platformers of all time. The Donkey Kong Country series has always had some real slick tracks. With a soundtrack composed by long time series composer David Wise, Tropical Freeze has music that at times sound ambient, and at others feels thrilling. Similar to how every platform in the game organically fits in with the environment, the music seems to always fit perfectly as well.

The one that bops the hardest:  Okay, this is really kind of cheating because it’s a remake from the original game, but “Aquatic Ambiance” always goes the hardest. 

Remember how I mentioned ambiance above?  This track has it right in the title. Starting off very slow and somber, things in this song don’t really kick off until about a minute and a half in.  This melody is so melancholic yet so beautiful. It flows in and out like water, perfectly tying into the gameplay. What’s also great is the sections with in and out of water platforming because the music changes based on DK’s position.  

  Super Smash Brothers Ultimate

Again, we feel like we’re cheating a bit because Smash Ultimate is an amalgamation of gaming’s greatest hits.  Ultimate has over 800 tracks in total!  There is literally not enough hours in the day to sit and listen to the whole soundtrack.  We have to include Ultimate for that very reason.  Also, most of the tracks in the game (which come from different series) have been remixed to match the fast pace Smash Bros gameplay.  The head composer for the game’s original music is Hideki Sakamoto.  Sakamoto made the song that bops the hardest.

The one that bops the hardest:  The main theme, “Lifelight” just goes so dang hard. 

When players first caught a glimpse of Ultimate’s story trailer, they were mesmerized by this powerful track.  “Lifelight” is also remixed throughout the game, acting as a menu theme amongst others.  Sakamoto didn’t have to make the melody so catchy; he certainly could have settled for less.  But he went hard for Mr. Sakurai (as we all should).

  Undertale + Deltarune

Undertale and Deltarune are getting lumped together because they’re both tiny indies and part of the same series.  Though they may be small and independant, they quite possibly have more heart than any game on this list. Developed (and composed) by the enigmatic Toby Fox, both games are filled to the brim with charming tracks that complement the active RPG-style gameplay.  Calling Fox a bit of a musical genius wouldn’t be a stretch; some of the music from these games have become somewhat of their own beast (a la the “Megalovania” meme).

The one that bops the hardest:  Just saying “Megalovania” and calling it a day would be easy mode, so we’re going to have to go with “The World Revolving”, featured during a hidden bossfight in Deltarune.

This track evokes a feeling of major frantic danger, while sounding slightly circus-esque. This fits perfectly with the boss’s gameplay style and design. When this track first kicked off and the fight began, any reasonable player was definitely hit by a huge shot of adrenaline.  The way the entire track seems to come to a chaotic head in its chorus.  Chaos, Chaos!  It makes us feel like we can do anything! 

  The Legend of Zelda:  Link’s Awakening (2019)

We couldn’t help ourselves!  We just had to include a Zelda game!  While Breath of the Wild has tracks that are more atmospheric than anything, the 2019 version of Link’s Awakening has music that is more in line with what you would expect from a Zelda game.  Originally composed by Minako Hamano and Kozoe Ishikawa for Gameboy hardware, the games soundtrack has been brought up to date by composer Ryu Nagamatsu.  We must say, it sounds better than ever. With memorable tracks (like the woods theme or the shop keeper theme), Nagamatsu’s mix really brings the original tracks to life.  We have to give an honorable mention to this version’s “Animal Village Theme”, which is sung by actual (not really) animals !

The one that bops the hardest:  The most memorable and emotional song in perhaps any Zelda is “The Ballad of the Windfish”. 

Without spoiling too much of the games ending, this song, heard throughout the length of the game, evokes an emotional response out of anyone who has completed Link’s Awakening.  The game is about gathering instruments to play this song, so we’d say it ties into the gameplay pretty closely.  Sung by Marin, “The Ballad of the Windfish” is definitely a song we will never, ever forget.

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[tongpoo]

Ten Favorite Albums of 2017

10. Choker - Peak

Thank God I read Pigeons & Planes. I wouldn't have heard about Choker yet if it wasn't for them, but I would have in the next few years when he blows up. As of right now Choker just breached 2,000 followers on Twitter and my friend Pat gets more plays on SoundCloud than he does. I don't know much more about him, on Twitter his name is just "chris" and his Instagram is still MIA. But, in a way this kind of makes his music speak louder. I've gotten so used to hearing a dope track and immediately hunting down the artist's social medias in an effort to learn more about them and find what place this sound is coming from. In Choker's case, there isn't a ton of that. He hasn't actually tweeted since this album dropped, and everything before is just weird memes and 140 character jokes the internet age is so accustomed to. Choker is an artist who leaves everything they need to say in their art rather than effortlessly giving it to the world via iPhone thumb taps. Because of this, Peak benefits from having not much else to place it within context of and shines as a stand alone.

Rather than attacking the classic and conventional ideology of songwriting, Choker's Peak is full of "Is this the hook? Wait it's a verse. But when does the hook come back in?"  type moments. It relies more on nature and what feels right, rather than structure and repetition. This isn't a bad thing at all, and is pretty hard to accomplish without sounding messy. Names like Frank Ocean, Sufjan Stevens, Björk all take similar approaches to their sound, and you're definitely in good company if mentioned in the same thought as them. Choker's lyricism isn't always literal and mostly seems is used to paint a mood. Lines like "I see in Portra 400 // Mazzy Star pour out the function" giving both a visual and auditory representation of where he at. El Dorado, is an entire song about getting caught stealing a car and all the romantic memories shared within that car. Choker takes this simple plot and expands it into a four minute masterpiece of shimmering guitars, subtle 808s, and layers of vocals. His quick steps from singing to rapping are hard to keep tabs on, with this song having a four bar rap verse before switching back to singing. Hats aren't even introduced until the last 30 seconds. It's just this constant picking up and dropping Choker performs so easily that leaves you hungry for more of what was and anticipating what's to come.

Produced and written entirely by Choker, the instrumentals and vocals are gold. On Sunflower, Choker introduces with a shoegaze-esque minimal track, cuts that with distortion and a vocal sample and drops it into this portion of the song that feels very Weeknd-y, with harmonization, hi hats, and synths you'd find on the boss level of a PS2 game. After 30 seconds of that, he begins yelling trap adlibs across this pretty beat that consists of only a rhodes and lo-fi percussion. There's just no telling what could happen next, but it all fits so perfectly together. The entire album is like your life flashing before your eyes, or thinking back on good memories.

Favorite Tracks: Moksha, El Dorado, Sunflower

9. Sampha - Process

It's a slim amount of vocalists who pack as much emotion into their voice as Sampha Sisay. Even without the context and knowledge of Sampha's struggles, you'd still connect with the fear and pain behind his lyrics. But on Process, Sampha opens up more about the caretaking and loss of his mother to cancer, becoming distant with his brother, and discovering a painful and suspicious lump in his throat.

What's that meme where it's like a picture of two things and the caption is "Name a more iconic duo"? Anyway, the only acceptable version of that meme is Sampha and his keyboard. Many moments throughout this album are simply just Sampha and a piano or synth, and it never feels lacking. But with the same amount of ease he runs through a minimal track; he can embrace maximalist production as well. Process sort of carries an all or nothing mentality, with tracks that are bare bones and others oozing boundless energy. I was lucky enough to catch Sampha at Lollapalooza (my favorite performance of the weekend, by the way), and in one moment he was jumping around like a trap artist to Blood On Me then performing tear-worthy vocals to (No One Knows Me) Like The Piano. The fashion of Process is very best of both worlds, and Sampha has this down to a tee. All of this topped with A+ songwriting and  production, there aren't many reasons to be anti-Process.

Within a brief 40 minutes, Sampha doesn’t waste a second trekking through his journey. Kind of random, but Sampha is one of two people to have worked with Kanye West, Drake, and Frank Ocean. The only other person is Jay Z. I feel like that just warrants some sort of legendary artistry validity, if Process itself hadn't already.

If you enjoy this album you should really read his FADER cover story. One of my favorite ever and includes an acoustic version of Plastic 100°C.

Favorite Tracks: Kora Sings, (No One Knows Me) Like the Piano, What Shouldn’t I Be?

8. Cosmo Pyke - Just Cosmo

Yeah, the album is only five tracks and there's nothing super groundbreaking or innovative, but for some reason I just love it. It's not even like a rare sound that's explored or something experimental or whatever. It's just a bunch of super fun and catchy tunes and sometimes that's all you really want from music. I haven't deep dived into the lyrics for an intricate emotional and metaphoric tale, and I really doubt there's much like that in here. Sometimes all you want from music is for it to sonically feel right and Just Cosmo does all of that for me.

Cosmo's sound radiates a youthful aura very specific to London. He taste tests a handful of genres throughout the album, matching his guitar to that loose jangly sound very popular in today's indie rock, with drums and percussion that lean towards jazz that's dipping its toes into samba. He vibes to reggae on the bridge of Chronic Sunshine, and builds and drops speeds on Wish You Were Gone. All the tracks on Just Cosmo nearly touch or exceed the five minute mark, letting Cosmo fully exercise all thoughts he has upon a song without letting the listener become overwhelmed. The closer, Great Dane, even clocks up to 8 minutes without feeling like too much to bear. Stress and other grim thoughts are the last thing on your mind while listening to Just Cosmo, because it's the soundtrack to a Sunday bike ride to get ice cream with your friends. It's the album you put on during the 2PM pool party. It's music you couldn't possibly be upset to.

There's not a ton to be said about an album that is very inexplicably awesome to me. The album doesn't do the undoable or break through walls or anything, but the sound it does have is very genuine and true. It sounds just like an album a 2017 kid from Peckham would make who has an interest in synths, guitars, and great music.

Favorite Tracks: Wish You Were Gone, Chronic Sunshine, Great Dane

7. Thundercat - Drunk

Thundercat doesn't play the bass, the bass plays Thundercat. The licks are so stank face worthy, and every riff turns you into a bobblehead. On every song you're faced with infectious basslines accompanied with melodic falsettos all courtesy of one man. The man behind Thundercat, real name Stephen Bruner, appears as a writer and producer on all tracks with help from just a few select others. He's one of those guys that you've heard, but didn't know you were listening to. Bruner's worked with contemporary greats such as Flying Lotus, Childish Gambino, Mac Miller, N*E*R*D, and most notably had a massive hand in Kendrick Lamar's To Pimp A Butterfly, supplying background vocals and tasteful E-bass front to back of that project. Being such a monumental figure in one of the decade's greatest albums, it makes total sense that his first album back since that hot run is spectacular as it is.

Bruner's depressive realistic, yet humorous, outlook on things is expressed all across Drunk. I remember reading or seeing in an interview that he titled the album "Drunk" because its often how he feels going about life. Being confused by existence and his nihilistic treatment of things. A lot of the tracks on the album are about very humdrum experiences in the day to day. One of Bruner's more fleshed out songs on Drunk is A Fan's Mail (Tron Song II) which is just all about how cool he thinks it would be to become a cat. Another, Tokyo, describing the many activities he takes part of while spending time in Japan's capital city. With all these songs about mundane pasttimes and average thoughts, the album lyrically feels like a very transparent look into Bruner's mind. While all of this is taking place, behind it all is some of the year's greatest production. With Bruner ripping enchanting bass riffs and fills throughout the entirety of the project, it sounds like he's exorcising the thing of demons at points. Drunk is appropriately sprinkled with funky synths and keys, with even Michael McDonald playing keys on Show You The Way, a track he also sings on with Kenny Loggins. Other producers involved are legendary EDM producer and DJ Flying Lotus appearing on more than half the tracks and Sounwave of TDE fame.

I actually almost made my senior quote ""I Am Crazy" -Thundercat" after the track on this album, where in the 25 second song he begins feeling nostalgic, then questions his memory thinking maybe things weren't as great as they appear to be in his faded mind. Myself, and I'm guessing most other people, often feel this way about a lot of things. It's a reminder that if you're feeling down in the now, wishing you were back in the good old days is pretty useless because not only is that impossible, chances are things were just as crummy as they were back then as well. It's a sentiment that helps being positive today which I just think is a valuable thought to keep in your head.

Favorite Tracks: Bus In These Streets, A Fan’s Mail (Tron Song II), The Turn Down

6. Rostam - Half-Light

After announcing his departure from Vampire Weekend, Rostam Batmanglij wasted no time on getting back to work. After a few collaborations with modern-day heavyweights Frank Ocean, Solange, and Haim, the multi-instrumentalist released his debut album Half-Light. Slim of features and help on production, this is a body of songs Rostam can rightfully call his own.

Sonically, the album rings all whistles and dings all bells. Hopping from a very acoustic I Will See You Again, to a very left-field Hold You, which is doused in hip-hop percussion and vocal effects that meet each other somewhere between James Blake and Pollari. I'd be interested in hearing a full-blown rap production from Rostam, as at some points throughout the album the thought is definitely teased but is never actually blossomed. From all aspects as a songwriter, Rostam's sound is hard to translate into words. It's certainly a separation from his work with Vampire Weekend, but not too distant of a cousin to render it completely unfamiliar. On Rudy, he emulates third-wave ska, then throws in this beautiful crash of horns for the breakdown. At first, the way each song is formatted seems so aimless and free flowing, but after repeated listens this is clearly an intentional and precisely made decision by Rostam. His voice,absent from Vampire Weekend songs, sounds built just for his production. As a songwriter, he does not lack at all, with songs like Bike Dream and When that could be read as poems.

Although initially saddened by Vampire Weekend losing such an integral member, I am ecstatic about this album. Time and time again Rostam has proved himself and I'm glad this album serves as a landmark of his accomplishments. One of my favorite albums of the year, with the title track especially being one of my favorite songs of the year.

Favorite Tracks: Half-Light, Rudy, Warning Intruders

5. Tyler, The Creator - Flower Boy

Tyler, The Creator changed my life. I would be lying if I said the way I lead my life is not somewhat thanks to this man whom I’ve never actually met. I spent most of the end of middle school and beginning of high school citing this guy as my religion and treating his albums as divine and sacred objects. Obviously, I'm still a massive fan and while my level of stan-dom is not quite at the level of "maniacal fan girl", I was still ridiculously excited for this album. Having spent days sunrise to sundown with Bastard, Goblin, Wolf, and Cherry Bomb in rotation, it's pretty clear that this is the album Tyler had always wanted to make. Even in 2009 there were neo soul 7th and 9th chords snuck into his raps about violent crimes. This guy always wanted to make a full blown jazz or pop album but really just lacked the technical ability and resources to do so. Finally, on Flower Boy, the creator finally fulfills the prophecy.

I don't think anyone has been able to pair booming and explosive percussion with breezy and swaying guitars as sophisticated as Tyler can. The drums hitting in Where This Flower Blooms after 45 seconds of strings, piano, and Frank Ocean's oh so sexy voice, is one of the hardest moments of the year. This contrast shows up a lot throughout the album. See You Again is led by these angelic harmonies by shared between Tyler and frequent collaborator Kali Uchis, and then you're just dropped off into this fiery abyss of 808s and laser gun-esque synths. One of my favorite tracks on the album is Boredom, which is 5 minutes of chilling by the pool relaxation. Immediately after that song you're slammed by production that is just so unnecessarily hype on I Ain't Got Time. This juxtaposition is so hard to perfect but so damn sweet once done correctly.

There's nothing wrong with Tyler's leathery voice smeared on top of his phat beats, but majority of my appreciation for him and this album specifically is for his production. Which is why I've always been a huge fan and never minded when Tyler enlisted features all over the place. The only place the names Rex Orange County, Jaden Smith, and Roy Ayers make sense together is when you're talking about a Tyler The Creator tracklist. He makes sure everyone brings their A game as well, as I've never really heard a phoned in verse or performance from anyone on a Tyler song. On Flower Boy, the places where Tyler does rap or sing, it never feels like its just to make the song longer as it did occasionally on previous works. Bar by bar Tyler is saying something with meaning which I think is something he's improved on a lot since Wolf and Cherry Bomb especially. All songs on Flower Boy fit a theme or concept and together those songs as an album are even better.

If I wasn't wearing such rose tinted goggles while looking back at them, I'd probably say this is Tyler, The Creator's best album. Even with them on its a pretty close race. This album is just so good and so Tyler with the dumb evilness of Who Dat Boy to the glossy and shiny groove of 911. Flower Boy is a soundtrack to make memories to and even with the inexcusable amount of times I've heard this guy's barking deep voice I don't think I'll ever want to hit skip on a track of his.

Favorite Tracks: Pothole, Boredom, 911 / Mr. Lonely

4. Jay-Z - 4:44

It's hard not to crack a smile when Jay-Z raps about his money. Sure you hear Young Thug or 21 Savage rap about dropping bands at the club, but with Shawn Carter's net worth nearing the ten figure mark, there aren't really any other rappers who are on his level. 4:44 is bedazzled with all sorts of ridiculous flexes. Verse two of The Story of O.J. specifically emphasizes this with him spitting "Fuck livin' rich and dyin' broke // I bought some artwork for one million // Two years later, that shit worth two million // Few years later, that shit worth eight million // I can't wait to give this shit to my children". Stunting about investing is next level, and it's hard to take any other rapper seriously regarding money knowing Jay Z could buy their life without hesitation.

I think that's where a lot of the beauty lies in 4:44. Jay-Z approaches all subjects on this album with such intimacy and speaks in a manner no one else really can. He relays nostalgia from growing up in the Marcy houses so effortlessly, and touches on struggling with infidelity on the truly moving title track. If haven't seen his Saturday Night Live performance of this track, it's clear this song holds so much weight to him.

The production on 4:44 is seriously masterful. No I.D. absolutely snaps, track after track. As an aspiring producer I seriously reference this album as my bible occasionally. The sample flip of Stevie Wonder on Smile is downright insane, accompanied with one of Jay-Z's best verses ever on the final marathon of lyrics chalks up the song as a highlight of the album. No I.D.'s work on Bam is worthy of note too, taking Sister Nancy's Bam Bam (which you've probably heard flipped in Kanye West's Famous or Lauryn Hill's Lost Ones) and transforms it into this reggaeton banger. And I can't make a write up for this album without showing praise to Marcy Me, which I regard as just a really perfect rap song. It just embodies everything I love about rap music; Jay Z's infectious flows, heartfelt delivery, clever wordplay, and a beat I could loop endlessly. Assistance from The-Dream on the outro of this track just makes this song transcend. This song, and overall 4:44, are the music I look forward to listening to throughout my life.

Favorite Tracks: Smile, Bam, Marcy Me

3. King Krule - The OOZ

Easily whisking from elements of punk, to jazz, then hip-hop, King Krule's distinct cockney accent paired with his loose guitar tones becomes hard to pin to a genre. The OOZ is a very specific collection of sounds that could not possibly belong to another. With poetics stemming from a nimble and fragile place on songs like Slush Puppy or Czech One, to delivery so rude and brash on songs like Half Man Half Shark and Emergency Blimp, King Krule displays all recesses of emotion on his third studio album.

You'll rage and then you'll cry to some of the most beautiful noises you've ever heard with this album. Although King Krule's slurred delivery is occasionally hard to make up, the feeling is easily translated from the wide array of instrumentation used on The OOZ. King Krule has no issue with incorporating sounds not typically associated with each other. On the lead single Dum Surfer, a saxophone and electric guitar share a solo. There are disorienting and whirring synths appearing throughout the entirety of the project, all along other worldly instruments such as vibraphones, marimbas, and bongos.

The album lyrically is cryptic and disassociative. In Lonely Blue the verses act as chapters of a failed relationship and the agony both characters are met with. The language King Krule uses to detail this narrative is often tough to decipher yet so fitting, which sparks imagery I've really only ever felt with a slim number of great artists. On A Slide In (New Drugs), the protagonist is sickly self-described as someone with bleached skin and bleeding gums. The pictures painted with these words are usually bleak, cold, and occasionally dystopian.

Clocking in at an hour and six minutes, every single song hits for me and nothing feels like filler. The closer is gorgeous and the album couldn't complete in a more perfect way. Being so cohesive its hard not to let the rest of the project ring out once you start playing a song that's mid tracklist. It's just one of those albums you'd have a hard time disputing someone who thinks is a perfect album because of its pure artistic ambition and execution. The OOZ is one of my favorite projects of the year, and hasn't left my rotation since the day it came out.

Favorite Tracks: Slush Puppy, Emergency Blimp, Vidual

2. IGLOOGHOST - Neō Wax Bloom

If Pale Eyes is like the boarding and lift of a roller coaster, then the rest of the 38 minutes in the album is a non-stop, accelerating, descension. I don't even want to begin to think about how this album was made, it's filled to the brim with eclectic but meticulously chosen sounds. Neō Wax Bloom is like straight auditory adrenaline, with each track being a different flavor of a rush.

This album is fucking nuts. I already had a lot to say about it in my New Music Monday review of it, but at the time I certainly could not have digested how spectacular Neō Wax Bloom is. It's seriously a portal into another realm or dimension, I've truly never heard anything like this album before. When I heard the saxophone layered on top of the gigantically paced Super Ink Burst for the first time, I knew this was one of the best albums of the year. And I was only a few minutes into the album. The album doesn't doesn't decrease in quality at all from the already majestic opening and I think White Gum is the most impressive technical achievement in sound of 2017. That song makes me feel like I just mainlined the cocaine from Kate Moss's personal stash and I'm ready to ride an elephant into warfare. The programming involved in IGLOOGHOST's debut album is literally insane, because I actually don't think you could be mentally right in the head to accomplish what is done here. There are essentially no loops throughout the entire album with a new layer or interval being inaugurated every bar.

I referenced it in my review, but no one describes the album better than its producer himself. "MY FIRST ALBUM ‘NEŌ WAX BLOOM’ IS OUT NOW! A MULTICOLOR HYPERSPEED OPERA ABOUT LITTLE GLOWING BEINGS MADE OF GUM." the self-proclaimed "11YR OL MALE BOY" announces via Twitter. Neō Wax Bloom is one of the few times I've experienced an artist build a world with their music, with the album being its soundtrack. I really, really, really recommend you listen to this album because the first listen is the closest you can get to seeing a new color or leaving this universe.

Favorite Tracks: Super Ink Burst, White Gum, Infinite Mint

1. BROCKHAMPTON - SATURATION Trilogy

When I look back at 2017, it'll be hard to not be reminded of BROCKHAMPTON. In March, I saw Kevin Abstract live on his solo tour for American Boyfriend the same day he dropped the Runner short film. In May they took over the internet by dropping a single every week for five weeks building anticipation for their debut album SATURATION. In June it dropped, with worldwide acclaim leaving everyone wondering who gave these boys are. In July I binge watched all the episodes of American Boyband which documented Kevin's tour. In August they ruled again with five more singles and another album. In September I saw them live in one of the best concerts I've ever been to (catch me in the green hoodie at about 2:42). In December they ended their wild streak by dropping the closer to the SATURATION era, SATURATION III.

I know it's kinda cheating including all three as one, but I didn't really feel like writing a Top 10 with 30% of the albums being by BROCKHAMPTON. I've never done it, but if listened to back to back to back I think the trilogy would equate greater than the sum of its parts. It's held together thematically by the SKITs, SCENEs, and CINEMAs, and while all members of the group grow and progress, they still hold onto that SATURATION sound they came out with in June. Most of that SATURATION sound is thanks to the group's producers, Romil Hemnani and Q3 (Jabari Manwa & Kiko Merley), with Romil handling production on almost every single song. Listening to SATURATION I then SATURATION III, it's so obvious there's a gap between the two, but it's still so obviously BROCKHAMPTON it's incredible one could grow so much yet manage to not stray at all. This development isn't limited to the producers, but with the vocalists, specifically Matt Champion, JOBA, and Merlyn Wood stepping it up as well.

"I got pipe dreams of crack rocks and stripper poles." would be a hell of an opening line for a book that won the Coretta Scott King award. But it's the first thing heard on this trilogy, spat by Ameer's grizzly voice over Romil's intimidating basslines. The run of tracks after that is ridiculous. STAR, featuring production only from Jabari Manwa, is just stupid phat. Over those thick, booming grooves, Dom, Ameer, and Kevin all spit 16s about celebrities. The weird combo of such a hard beat paired with lines so goofy yet delivered seriously is just epic. Even though SATURATION II is my least favorite of the three, it'd still be one of my favorite albums of the year if just released by itself. The opening verse from Kevin on GUMMY kinda sets the table for the entire album. Matt's hyperspeed flow on JELLO is so unreal I actually thought they just sped it up until I experienced it live. You could throw SWEET on loop forever and never get sick of it. After all this I didn't know if BROCKHAMPTON had it in them again for a third record, but they really came through the hardest with the SATURATION finale. Romil's production demolished all expectations I had for SATURATION III, with beats sounding like they should have came from a hip-hop veteran, rather than a 22-year-old. JOHNNY, BLEACH, SISTER, RENTAL, are really perfect and are some of the best tracks the boyband has ever put out.

A lot of personal appeal to BROCKHAMPTON for me is that list of reasons you can't accomplish what BROCKHAMPTON is doing is short. I own pretty much the same camera all their videos are shot on, and I've stumbled upon random drumkits online that have sounds Romil has used. This DIY approach to music is so inspiring and having their product result in all sorts of praise is something really cool. I've met all the members of the boyband and they're just weird awkward kids who got to tour the nation cuz of their art. These are guys I could have went to High School with and I wouldn't have been surprised. But what is surprising is the music, films, clothing, and whatever else these guys decide to get into next. I'd get BROCKHAMPTON health insurance if it was offered. Time after time this collective has brought it, and I don't doubt that next year I'll be talking just as high about TEAM EFFORT as I do about SATURATION.

Favorite Tracks: STAR, JUNKY, BLEACH