#(that place is hell where you trauma bond with the worst people you’ve ever met in your life)

[eggjaculations]

i relate to this so much but also. i actually. DID move schools. a lot. i went to six schools (and was even homeschooled for a year in hs, due to the autism) but tangipahoa parish is so small that i still know every single person, and they all know each other, also two of the schools literally filter into the same middle and high school. so i had bullies from TWO elementary schools teaming up to Get Me in middle school. when i moved 45 mins away, there were SIXTEEN people from the five previous schools at that school. half of them had classes with me. the other half were in extracurriculars with me.

my dad went to school with my current step-dad, my uncle dated my step-brothers mom in hs, my step-dad went to prom and lost his virginity to my best friends mom, my mom has been friends with all the same people since hs and so i’m friends with all her friends kids. i couldn’t date anyone in high school without moving 45 mins away bc i was literally related to them either by blood or marriage. and closely. we found this out bc my half-sister kept accidentally dating all her cousins.. not to mention. my step-brother went to the first school i went to so i still knew and interacted with all those kids from pre-k, in high school.

i think it’s weirder tho when small places have famous people bc you could just run across them whenever. and there’s a lot from/in louisiana. for some reason.

devonte smith (the football player for the eagles) ate honey nut cheerios with grape juice when the school ran out of milk one year (katrina hit that year rip) and his now-wife Mya Travis was the first girl i ever saw in gladiator sandals. she had the best style, even in the first grade (which was a completely different school than devonte went to. i have no idea how he met Mya. but i think he might’ve actually moved there in third grade and sat at my table for a bit? idk i was on a lot of vacations that year tbh bc my mom got married. again.)

also britney spears told me she liked my dress at church one time when she was visiting or something and at the very same moment jamie lynn was behind us, pushing my aforementioned step-brother into a pew after he kept going *zoey 101 voice* “oouoo” in her ear. i’ve been in their weird museum-mansion-house thing. they’re baptist. both mr. jamie and mrs. lynne spears have the most soulless eyes, but even jamie lynn has enough humanity in there to produce a fiery hate-filled gaze that could burn the devil. she pulled a knife on someone in a pita pit the first night i ever went out. we are connected by the red string of fate. the video is on youtube.

my ex lives in the same house as the “production studio” (it’s just two dudes in a suburb in Gretna) that worked on lil wayne’s ‘Funeral’ and my best friend gives brazilians to a few of Dr. Wayne Carter III’s girlfriends. we know too much about that man.

currency and juvenile are both really fun and nice people to hang out with but they don’t really like me and currency only smokes prerolls and it’s kinda annoying. i’ve only seen him smoke a blunt one time and it was bc i rolled it really well and he was understandably surprised (i am 100lb, uhhh… well,,, white-passing works here ig girly girl) he took two puffs and nearly died. there is a reason he only smokes joints. it’s bc he cannot hang.

g-eazy dated my friend he does not lay it down like he says he does. also does shitty coke.

the sheriff who tried to sue all of china for covid??? sheriff of my hometown. his brother (the governor) used to babysit us. also for some reason Gov. John Bel Edwards used to come sit in my high school class and just hang out (election cycle moves fr, hanging out in the class of the people who will be able to vote you into office by the time voting hits??? on some diff shit.)

speaking of shitty cops tho one of my best friends dads was police commissioner when i was in hs. she told me the fbi was coming to louisiana to raid the police station so they were going out of the country for a couple months and i wouldn’t be able to get in touch with her. and i thought it was a fucked up joke. a week later they raided the police station. i didn’t see her for an entire summer. the fbi said there was a fuckton of drugs missing/not reported/suspiciously logged. my friend got home, immediately posted pics of them in south america, her “grandma” “died” and then she got a massive inheritance. what.

bill clinton dated my ex boyfriends grandma in college. what i would give to have known him at that age. he was insane in the membrane. def does lay it down like everybody says he does. also does amazing coke.

even the people who aren’t from there are easy to meet bc the venues are so small. waka flocka flame thought i was a mean bitch when we met. (in my defense. i was off the most acid i’d ever done and he was CHIEFING my singular only blunt for the night. i did not recognize him. despite the fact i had been directly in front of him for like 2 hours. thought he was just some random bum trying to smoke.) this was also the first time i met currency and juvenile. this is why they don’t like me. bc of this initial experience. :(

louisiana is such a small place. if you go there one time you’ve met everyone.

it really is downright haunting having gone to the same school with the same 28 kids for nine entire years of my childhood. I am 32 now and speak to none of them but these are people whose faces and names are etched into my memory for eternity. we knew each other's parents we went to each other's birthday parties we saw each other grow up through the most crucial years of our lives and I will probably never see them again. we knew every family's most intimate struggles while learning playing crying fighting in this tiny tiny school from the ages of 5 to 14 before all of our identities solidified. we would not recognize each other on the street today. I'm haunted and experiencing a profound melancholy because of this and there's really nothing more to say.

[strawberrylemonz]

Campfire Tales

Part 3 of my series!  Thank you for 100+ followers!!!

As usual, do ask me any questions you may have regarding this series! 

This is dedicated to both @petrichormeraki and @applepie1000

Enjoy!

Part 2

Part 3 [CURRENT]

Part 4

————————

“You’re gonna burn the ‘mallows”

“Am not”

“Are too”

“Am not”

“Are too”

“Calm down, you two”

Everyone was sitting around the campfire as Tommy brought out the sticks and marshmallows. He had already taken out the rest of the supplies to make snacks and drinks using the fire, doing his best to make sure that everyone was comfortable before he explained his time before joining the hermits.

“You doing alright?”

Tommy stiffened at the sound of being addressed so suddenly. Turning to his side, he saw his older brother smiling up at him. Tommy had been feeling very anxious since the group began their hike up to the campfire, so the sight was comforting for him. He returned the smile to his brother, who extended a hand out to him.

“Let me help you with those, Toms. Just sit down and relax for a bit. You’re probably very nervous.”

Now, Tommy would usually bite back with an overconfident comment, but Tommy didn’t feel like his usual self. Instead, he shrugged his shoulders and handed Grian the remaining supplies. Grian, in turn, grabbed the supplies before sitting his little brother down on a seat. Ruffling his hair with affection, Grian handed Tommy some marshmallows before setting off to finish handing everything out. 

“You get near that majestic cat, Iskall, and I will stab you”

“Okay, okay, I’m backing off.”

Peering up, Tommy saw Cleo scoop up a cat, before walking off to sit on a different log seat. Iskall, in turn, nervously laughed as if he just escaped death. ‘Wouldn’t be an understatement.’ Tommy thought with slight amusement. Iskall then turned to Tommy, smiling at the younger boy. Tommy, returned the smile, waving at the man. Iskall saw that as an invitation and proceeded to sit down next to Tommy on the log.

“Nervous?”

“Is it really that obvious?”

“Well, yeah. You started to tone down on the cussing when we arrived at Pirate’s Pier. You stopped cussing in general when we took Captain Puffy’s ship to the campsite, and you haven’t cussed since. You’re also fidgeting around a lot.”

“Shit”

Iskall let out a laugh as Tommy shoved his face into his hands. Patting the young adult’s back with care, he did his best to comfort Tommy.

“Hey, it’s alright. We’ll understand if you decide to stop telling us. But don’t push yourself to either share past your comfort or to coop up all your feelings. It’s not healthy for you, and we’ll all attack you with care and affection until you feel better.”

Tommy barked out a laugh as he playfully pushed away Iskall’s face.

“That’s all you lot have been doing since I arrived. Been acting like I’m your baby brother, or some shit.”

“Well, that’s the case. At least, for one of us.”

At that, the two peered over to Grian, who was putting up the left over supplies with haste, obviously eager to begin unraveling his brother’s pain.

“He seems more hyper than usual”

“I’m pretty sure it’s on the account that he found out that his favorite raccoon is, in fact, his younger brother.”

“I hope he isn’t disappointed-”

Tommy was interrupted when a hand covered his mouth. Feigning irritation, Tommy peered over at the owner of the hand, Iskall. Quirking an eyebrow at him, Tommy gave a pointed look. Iskall huffed before removing his hand from Tommy’s mouth.

“What the hell was that for, Isk-”

“Don’t say that.”

“Don’t say what? Your name?”

“No, Tommy, not that. Don’t say anything about Grian being disappointed in you being his brother. The two of you have been acting like brothers since the day you two met. You guys are two peas in a pod, burrowing in bases together and pranking any fool who let their guard down. He is more than happy to have you as his brother.”

“How can you be so sure when you say that?”

“Because, Tommy, I saw how he reacted. The two of you obviously couldn’t see that well, with the two of you weeping up an ocean-”

“-Did not-”

“-Did too. Anyways, I saw his reaction to putting the pieces together. It was a whole new Grian, one we never got to see before. His facade fell the moment he saw who you were. Something changed in his eyes, and he held you with more pride and love than he ever did before. He’s more than happy to have you as family.”

Tommy furrowed his eyebrows before looking Iskall in the face. He wanted to doubt his words, he really did. He wanted to believe that he didn’t deserve so much of Grian’s love, that he didn’t deserve a special place in his heart. One look at Iskall’s face, however, was more than enough confirmation that he wasn’t being lied to. As much as Tommy wanted to avoid his brother’s love, he knew he couldn’t. All Tommy could do was to just pray to Clara that this brotherly bond would not be torn apart and bombed, just like his last two. He just wanted a family member he could rely on, not one that would break him with betrayal and miscommunication.

“What are you two talking about?”

Tommy peered up to see Grian standing there, munching on a melted marshmallow. Rolling his eyes, Tommy snorted at him as Iskall laughed.

“Talking about how much of a big man Toms is.”

“Hey! Watch the sarcasm! I am a big man!”

Grian snorted before sitting down on the other of Tommy, getting comfortable on the log. The two brothers shared a smile before Tommy faced the rest of the group.

“Everyone ready?”

A chorus of confirmation was given, a single nod to return them. Sighing, Tommy situated himself and cleared his throat.

“I’m severely grateful for all of you, truly. You’ve all looked past the fact that I was a bastard and decided to keep me around. You guys helped me come to terms with things that I once thought was impossible to come to terms with. You’ve all even helped me heal from those stupid, shitty triggers. I really don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t ended up here, especially looking back to where I was at my previous server.”

He saw everyone’s face gain some form of affection at his words. The pat on his back and the hand on his was all he needed to know that he woild go through with this. They’ve housed him and healed him for over 2 years, they deserved to know what they saved him from.

“Alright, it all started when I got an invite to Dream’s server, the Dream SMP.”

————

Grian didn’t know how to react, how to feel. How could he? It’s not everyday that you find out that the amazing big brothers you idolized weren’t so amazing after all. How could the people that vowed to look after their baby brothers turn around and break the youngest one? Tommy claimed that everything was a misunderstanding, and that he deserved his punishments, but no one deserved punishments that severe.

“-I tried telling them how that made me feel, but Technoblade and Wilbur said that it had to stay in the pit. Tubbo tried to tell me that it wasn’t a big deal, but he was terrified of fireworks for so long after that. Not just fireworks, loud noises in general.”

Grian could tell how uneasy everyone was feeling, but they all understood not to prevent the boy from sharing. He had a lot of built up trauma that he tried forcing away, and that wasn’t healthy for him. He had to get everything off his chest, for the betterment of his mentality and health in general. Grian tried not to grimace as Tommy moved onto the death of the president, how he died of a heart attack. Doing his best to make sure his brother was comfortable, he periodically offered the younger boy drink and snack breaks in order to collect his thoughts. Tommy was grateful for these. 

“-He was so mad that we reinstalled a person to be our leader, saying that we betrayed him, but that’s not the case! I promise you it wasn’t! I wouldn’t have intentionally betrayed someone that I saw as my brother, my idol, my...my friend.”

Grian put an arm around the slouching boy and after making a mental note to help him fix his posture offered him a hand. Tommy happily accepted the comfort, trying his best to compose himself.

“And then he...he...”

“What is it, Tommy? What did Techno do?”

“He asked me if I wanted to be a hero. I didn’t even get to properly answer him. I still remember his words, they are forever engraved in my brain. ‘You wanna be a hero, Tommy? Then die like one!’ Then he set fucking withers on my nation, my home. Pathetic, isn’t it? Haha, and that’s not the worst part! That wasn’t even the worst disaster to have happened on that stupid, cursed day. My nation was blown up, and when I had turned to see what happened, I saw Wilbur, standing there, laughing at the chaos. Next thing I knew, dad- er, Phil, he...he killed him. I lost Wilby. I couldn’t save him from his madness.”

His voice had gotten much quieter as he spoke about that painful day. If everyone wasn’t so quiet they would have missed it, the way Tommy’s voice broke and quivered. Trying not to break, he leaned into his older brother, not paying any attention to the height difference. Grian, in turn, was holding his little brother as if the world would crumble if he let go. His brother was dead, the other blinded by his personal morals. And his father, his hero, murdered his son in front of the others. Grian did his best to listen to what Tommy was saying, not wanting him to feel unsupported. He just sat there and listened.

“-He didn’t even say goodbye to me. He just stood there as Dream took me away. Ghostbur went along with me, which I was grateful for, but the company of a ghost can only go so far, especially when it’s of your late brother.”

No one could believe the burdens put upon the shoulders of these two boys. They shouldn’t have had to deal with any of this, yet they were forced to do so. They couldn’t get mad at Tubbo, he didn’t deserve to be despised after having to deal with such a stressful decision at such a young age. Iskall took over trying to comfort Tommy while Grian tried to drink as much water as he could, as if it would drown all the emotions he was feeling. He felt absolutely sick hearing what Dream put his baby brother through. He suddenly felt amazing at being a Dream slayer. He was sure Tommy would find comfort in that. Tommy eventually got to the end of his stay with Techno. 

“I was hoping that he would understand why I didn’t stay, why I had to leave. As much as I care for him, he was feeding in to my negative thoughts, and I had to prevent myself from becoming everything I didn’t want to be. He didn’t get it, though. I still saw him as a friend, a brother, but he only saw me as a selfish traitor. He only saw me as someone who wanted to use him as a weapon. Phil called me a traitor, too, and they took down my tower. It’s okay, everyone sees them as ugly pieces of shit. Tubbo and I began to slowly heal our friendship as we prepared for Doomsday, but that’s when things got weird. As Tubbo and I went on a walk to discuss our plan, some weird portal opened up in the ground. I felt weightless as I fell in, and then I ended up here. I’ve been here with you guys ever since.”

Before he could say anything else, Tommy was engulfed into an embrace. Grian buried his brother’s face into his chest, kissing his brother’s hair as he rocked him back and forth. Iskall joined in and rubbed the boy’s back, Mumbo approaching and supporting Grian and Tommy’s weight so they wouldn’t fall. Xisuma stood behind the two, hand on Tommy’s shoulder. One by one, Stress, Scar, Joe, Tango, False, everyone began to join in on the comfort circle to give support to the brothers.

--------

Grian and Tommy had not detached from each other since the campfire. No one pointed that out, not this time. They just gave the birdie personal space with his raccoon of a brother. Everyone gave the two smiles, wishing them goodnight as they all left to stay in the lodging of their choosing in the adventure park. Tommy and Grian waved at them before turning to leave to their choice in lodging. After a while, they arrived to their destination, the Antarctic Empire. After standing in the hall and debating which room to stay in, they eventually decided to stay the night in Grian’s room. Once the were changed for bed, the two just sat on the bed, unsure whether or not they should talk about something or force themselves to sleep. Finally, sucking in a breath of confidence, Tommy spoke up.

“So, since festival week is in a few months, wanna help me plan our outfits and hand out fliers?”

[maybedefinitely404]

Day 29: Prinxiety/Loceit (pt 4)

Aaaand, part 4, the finale! 

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

@tsshipmonth2020

Day 29:  You have a telepathic link with your soulmate until the two of you meet.

Content warnings: discussion of conversion therapy/after effects, PTSD, food mentions, anxiety/panic attacks, internalized homophobia, mentions of the foster system/abuse (mental, emotional, neglect, past eating disorder), minor self harm/blood, mentions of dissociating.

Word count: 5.1k

Despite Roman’s claims that being around other people would only distract him, and he didn’t want to have to walk to the library every time he had homework, Patton’s constant pleading eventually broke him down. Now, much to his roommate’s delight, they spent every night in the middle of the study floor in the library, and Roman found that he actually looked forward to it. Sometimes someone he knew would walk by, and give him a valid reason to take a short break, and having other people around somehow motivated him to work harder. He was starting to understand the appeal of the place. 

Now, Patton and him were spending their afternoon there between classes, both working on their own projects and sharing a bag of popcorn twists. It was the only oil soaked snack that didn’t leave much residue on their fingers. Roman was deep in thought, struggling to remember an especially flowery Shakespeare monologue for a mock audition next week, when Patton kicked his leg under the table.

“What, Pat?” He took another moment to finish the sentence before he tore his eyes away from the book, surprised at his roommate’s barely contained excitement. 

“You’ve been humming for half an hour!” 

He hadn’t even noticed. He tended to do it a lot without realizing; humming along to his soulmate’s music. Ever since he’d come back almost a year ago, an occurrence he’d never had explained but held onto with fondness, Roman’s heart jumped every time his music played. It was just like old times, their old system immediately reinstated, and more than once he’d found himself singing along to the melodies in his head. Patton knew this, and could probably tell by the genre whether Roman was listening to his soulmate’s songs, or just had his own earworm.

“No, no, no, I like your humming! That’s not the point!”

“Then what’s the-”

“The guy behind you has his earbuds loud enough to hear!”

Roman strained his ears, and yes, he could barely hear the music coming from behind him. He definitely hadn’t noticed before, too deep in thought to notice something so trivial. But Patton was always on high alert, never able to keep his mind on one thing at a time. 

“Okay, but what does that ha-”

“You’ve been humming the same songs as he’s been listening to for half an hour, Ro! I think he’s your soulmate!”

Roman’s eyes widened and he spun around, effectively dropping his book onto the ground. Yeah, if he concentrated, he could tell that the song in his head was the same as the one just audible through the other’s earbuds.

“Are you sure?”

“Positive!” 

That’s all the convincing Roman needed. He jumped to his feet and rounded the other table so he was face to face with the stranger and knocked on the table a couple times. When he made eye contact, he thought he saw fear in the other’s face, but that couldn’t be right. Roman was not intimidating. The man at the table reached up to pop out one of his earbuds. 

“Hello lovely, I have a question for you,” Roman purred, dropping onto his elbows on the table. 

“I- I don’t-”

Apparently that counted as a meeting, because in that moment, the music in Roman’s head faded into nothingness. And he could tell it wasn’t just the music being paused. He was left with a neutral emptiness he hadn’t felt in a long time, a silence that was rare, and an innate knowledge that it had happened: their link was no longer necessary and had dissipated. Roman grinned wide, barely concealing a squeal. 

“You’re my soulmate!”

He didn’t know what reaction he was expecting, but he sure as hell hadn’t expected the man at the table to get up and sprint out of the building at full speed. 

“Stay here, Ro,” Patton was suddenly at his side, laying a hand on his bicep, “I’ll go after him. I don’t know what just happened but I don’t want it to happen again.”

Patton scooped up the other man’s things from the table and jogged out the library door.

-----

Virgil didn’t know where he was going; he hadn’t planned on running out of the library. Dammit, he hadn’t planned to run into his soulmate. And he knew that was his soulmate, and not just some weird coincidence. Because the moment they’d locked eyes, it was as if something in his mind had snapped, like a rubber band that had always been there but the pressure was so constant he didn’t notice it there until it was gone. Their bond had snapped; it was no longer necessary, because he’d met his soulmate. 

He recognized the guy, just barely. They were in the same first year math class, a course often taken by upperclassmen (probably like his soulmate) because they’d put off getting a math credit until their final years. Logan had warned Virgil of that when he was choosing his first year courses, and so he was safely getting it out of the way so he could focus on his major in the coming years. 

His breathing was choppy and strained as he tried to calm down his panic attack, dropping onto the ground under a large tree. He couldn’t keep running lest he collapse and draw more attention to himself, and that was far worse than anything he could imagine. Fighting the urge to scratch at his skin, he buried his head in his hoodie clad arms, fumbling with one hand to free his phone from his pocket. 

It’s actually a guy, it’s a guy, he’s gay, wrong wrong wrong-

No, not wrong. It’s not wrong.   

Yes it is, it’s going to hurt, you’re going to hurt, wrong wrONG WRONG!

His hands were shaking far too hard to text but he tried anyways, begging Janus to come pick him up early. Logan wouldn’t be done work for another couple hours, and usually Virgil would be fine just doing homework until his dad was ready to drive them home, but he didn’t think he’d be able to handle being on campus much longer. 

“Hey, kiddo?”

Virgil’s head jerked up just as he clicked send, fighting every urge in his body to bolt again. It wasn’t the guy… his soulmate… but someone else he hadn’t met before, panting. 

“Heya, my name’s Patton! You ran out without your stuff, so I brought it!”

Oh, he was holding his backpack, and his folder under one arm. Virgil was just trying to encourage his legs to move, to stand so he could take his things, when the stranger dropped into the grass in front of him. He flinched. 

“Here ya go,” He pushed it towards him like a child trying to coax out a scared cat, “I’m so sorry me and Ro scared you. He just gets over excited sometimes. I promise he’s actually very gentle.”

Virgil stared, pulling in a halting breath. 

“The guy who ran up to you, that’s Roman. I’m his roommate, by the way. I’m Patton. Did I introduce myself? Doesn’t matter. I’m a third year psychology major. Roman’s in third year too, music and theatre major.”

He should probably introduce himself too, but his hands were frozen, clamped around his phone, and he found his voice wasn’t cooperating. That didn’t deter the other dude, though.

“Here, I wrote out both of our numbers. Roman feels super bad for scaring you, so you can take your time, if you want.” He delicately placed a ripped piece of notebook paper on the backpack between them, “His is the first one. But I put mine in there too, so you can text me if you want to talk. The more friends, the better.”

Virgil’s phone buzzed, alerting him of Janus’ response.

“I’ll let you be, okay? Remember to text!” With an exuberant wave, he dashed back to the library. Virgil read Janus’ panicked message, asking what had happened, in a bit of a daze. His dad agreed to come get him, so he stuffed the paper into his pocket and slung his backpack over his shoulder.

-----

Janus had asked him not to go into his room when he was so worked up, instead giving him free reign of the living room while the older restarted the dinner he’d abandoned in favor of picking his son up. He’d turned on the TV for Virgil, changing the channel to a nature documentary, given Virgil his favorite weighted blanket, and left him with strict orders to call him if he started spiraling or needed a hug. 

The distraction had worked for a while, the soothing voice of the narrator almost lulling him to sleep, until his racing brain had come to the conclusion that this was the worst thing to ever happen in the history of ever and that he was going to die alone. He’d been a little hopeful that his soulmate would be a girl, to somewhat appease his trauma, but life was never that easy. A part of him had also been a little miffed about that hope, because as much as he liked to pretend, he had a preference for boys. A big preference. And his soulmate was cute. 

“Everything okay, Virgil?” Janus called through the pass through window into the kitchen, taking his eyes off his food preparation to watch his son’s pacing. 

“Yup!” He lied, picking and scratching at the skin of his hands out of his dad’s view. The pain settled him a little, giving him something he could control, but he knew he’d get a figurative slap on the wrist for it later. A concerned slap, not an angry one. Maybe more of ‘a cuddle on the couch and wrap the little patches of broken skin and an update with his counsellor’. So not really a slap. At all. As it usually went. 

Everything was wrong. What kind of shit first impression had he given his soulmate? Getting up and running away like an actual child? And that was only part of it. He was damaged goods, a broken person, who needed more help and reassurance than any other person. How could he explain to his soulmate that he was the cause of his problems without making him feel guilty? That wasn’t the life the man had signed up for, wasn’t the soulmate burden he’d wanted. He would want someone easy, someone who wouldn’t have panic attacks when they got shocked by a door knob, who didn’t stop eating when they were scared, who pressed pause on life when he woke up in a dissociating headspace. He couldn’t say that to him. He’d lost everything, that vague musical connection to an invisible soulmate, that had given him a subtle hope. It had been a quiet illusion, a promise that he’d be fine if it were never fulfilled. Knowing there was someone out there, providing him music, had been enough. But now…

“Virgil, hold these for me.”

When had Logan gotten home? He put his hands out obediently, clenching the fingers over the ice cubes placed in each palm. The sensation startled him and sent a shiver up his spine.

“Four, seven, eight. Ready?”

He followed the breathing pattern eagerly, feeling the curls of anxiety in his stomach slowly settle into butterflies. When he was breathing normally, an overwhelming sense of dizziness almost knocked him over. Logan took his arm and led him to the couch.

The next moment, Janus was kneeling in front of him, rubbing disinfectant into his few bloody scratches, the melting water dripping through his fingers and onto the carpet. 

“I should have noticed,” he murmured as he stuck a couple bandaids onto each hand, refusing to meet Virgil’s eyes.

“Don’t blame yourself, Janus. I don’t think it was happening for too long,” Logan assured, running a hand down Virgil’s spine. “Did this have to do with the reason you left school early today?”

Virgil nodded.

“Are you nonverbal?”

“No,” he choked, clearing his throat, “Just dry throat.”

“I got it,” Janus leapt to his feet and hurried to the kitchen.

With a heavy sigh, Virgil leaned into Logan’s side, the hand on his back traveling to wrap around his shoulder comfortingly. The last drops of the ice cube hit the carpet, and he dried his hands off on his jeans. “I met my soulmate today.”

“I see,” Logan said. For the umpteenth time, Virgil was beyond grateful that Logan was an expert at masking reactions. It made difficult conversations easier.

“It’s a guy.”

“How did that go?”

“I ran out of the library and had a panic attack. His roommate brought me my stuff and gave me their numbers. I made an idiot out of myself.”

Logan was quiet, giving Virgil a little squeeze. A water glass was pressed into his hands and Virgil downed the whole thing, passing it back to Janus, who placed it on the coffee table. 

“I think… I think I’m magnifying. Maybe.” He described his thoughts that led to his spiral as quickly as possible, feeling slightly pleased when Logan agreed with his hypothesis. 

“You are definitely magnifying. Good job for recognizing that, Virgil. You don’t even know him, much less what he thought of your interaction.”

“What’s our next step?” Janus spoke up, resting a hand on Virgil’s knee and rubbing it with his thumb.

He shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Can you sleep on it, and message him tomorrow?”

Virgil thought about for a second before shaking his head even harder, “No. I have class with him tomorrow, and we’re getting a study guide for a test. I can not miss it. But what if he comes up to me, or wants to talk, and I embarrass myself again, and-”

His dads both hushed him at the same time and he took a deep breath, closing his eyes against Logan’s side. “What do I do?”

“You could message him tonight,” Janus drawled.

“Are you crazy?” He shrieked, “No! What would I even say? ‘Hey, you freaked me out today, sorry for running like a lunatic’?!”

“Why not explain the cause for your hasty escape?” Logan piped in.

“That’s way too much to load onto him as a first conversation.”

“Not all the gory details, just a vague explanation. That’s how I started talking to Logan,” Janus stated, adjusting his position on the floor. “If he’s your soulmate, Virge, he’ll be okay to deal with this. It’ll come out eventually, and if something else happens, it will be nice for him to have some context.”

Virgil groaned. “I hate when you make sense.”

“We can help you construct an adequate message.” Logan squeezed him again, meeting Janus’ eyes with a small smile.

“Fine.” Virgil snarled, pulling out his phone and the two numbers, typing the first one into his ‘new contact’ list. “Okay, what do I say?”

-----

V: Hey, I’m Virgil. We met earlier today. In a manner of speaking.

R: OMG, hi! I’m Roman. I am SO sorry for startling you!

V: It’s okay. It wasn’t your fault. 

R: I still feel bad DX

“He feels bad, what do I do?!”

“I would suggest explaining the reason you ran off to ease his concerns.”

“Me too. But ask first, and don’t give more details than you’re comfortable with.”

V: Can I be brutally honest for just a second?

R: Should I be nervous? Haha go ahead!

V: I was forced into conversion therapy about a year back, and I still carry a lot of the trauma with me. That’s why I ran. It was just gut instinct.

“He’s not responding, oh god, he’s going to block me, why isn’t he responding?!”

“I assume this news would take a moment to process. Focus on your breathing, Virgil. Don’t magnify.”

“You also sent it, like, ten seconds ago.”

R: Holy shit, that’s terrible. I’m so sorry. 

“...That’s not what I expected.”

“This is a regular reaction from a human being with even a lick of common sense, Virgil.”

“Seconded.”

V: It’s okay, I have a really great support system now. 

R: That’s good. I’ve never experienced anything like that, so I can only imagine how hard that was. 

R: I don’t expect you to answer if you don’t want to or don’t know, so please don’t feel pressured, but do you know what kind of soulbond we have? Is it platonic?

“Shit, fuck, who do I answer that?”

“With the truth, I’d imagine. Do you have an answer to his question?”

“Remember what I told you, kid. Your own pace.”

“Logan, if I explain it, can you put it into words? Please?”

V: I’m not averse to a possible romantic relationship in the future, but at the moment I am still learning to become comfortable with myself, as I have negative connections to that part of my identity that can become problematic if not properly worked through at my own pace.

R: Give me a couple seconds to decode that

V: My dad wrote it, he’s a prof. I have both of them helping me not freak out right now. 

R: You might want to date one day, but you need to take it slow because of your trauma. 

V: Uhm… yeah. I could have said it like that. 

R: Is talking to me upsetting you? We can always talk another time.

V: No, I’m okay. 

R: Okay, then as far as I’m concerned, we move at your pace. That’s not an issue for me at all. 

“I… oh. He’s… wow.”

“I agree with your sentiment.”

“I like this boy already.”

“DAD!”

R: Your dad’s a prof? 

V: One of them is. He teaches at our school, Prof Sanders. 4th year chemistry?

R: Oh shit. I’m in his class.

V: Lol he thinks he knows you

R: You have two dads?

V: Yep

R: That’s so cool. I’d really love to meet them.

V: Wow, we met today and you’re already wanting to meet my parents?

R: Heeey, I want to meet them as a FRIEND. 

V: My dad says after the semester’s over, you’re free to come by

One at a time, Virgil’s dads left him on the couch with an ear to ear grin, Janus to reheat dinner and Logan following him just so he could cling to his husband's waist as he moved around the kitchen. Neither of them wanted to disturb the little bubble their son was in. 

-----

In the weeks following, they’d started to sit together in the one class they shared. Virgil had begun to join him and Patton on their nightly library study sessions, and after some more gentle convincing, had given in to sitting with their whole friend group during meals at the cafeteria. He was growing more comfortable with Roman, no doubt about that.

Didn’t mean he wasn’t fighting off an anxiety attack as he waited by the door to get picked up for their first outing alone.

He kept checking his phone and glancing out the peephole as Janus ran calming fingers through his hair. Virgil leaned into the touch instinctively, consciously slowing his breathing as Janus hummed. Logan was watching him from the entrance to the hall, leaning on the kitchen door frame. There wasn’t much he could do, but dammit if he wasn’t going to watch his son go off on the most anxiety inducing situation of all of their lives.

“You’ll be okay, kid,” Janus muttered, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. “You’ve been friends with him for a while now, and he said there were no expectations. You’re in total control here.”

“What if I have a flashback, or a panic attack, or go nonverbal or something? He’s going to freak the fuck out and then all the work will be for noth-”

Logan spoke up. “You’re worried about things that may not even happen. And besides, haven’t you spoken to Roman about these things already?”

“A bit. Not in detail,” he whispered.

“I would suggest you do so, today if possible. It will make any possible situations that arise easier and less jarring to deal with.”

Virgil looked up at Janus, a pleading look in his eyes.

“He’s right, kid. The sooner you get it out of the way, the better.”

There was a knock at the door and Virgil nearly jumped out of his skin. To his disdain, Janus backed away until he was next to Logan, gesturing at the door with a small smile. Virgil growled out a curse and opened the door, the scowl on his face melting into a sickeningly authentic smile.

“How’s my favorite emo? Hi Mr. Sanders, hey Prof.”

“Hello.”

“Salutations.”

“Your favorite emo?” Virgil snarked, pulling on his jacket. It wasn’t cold, not in the slightest, but he’d rather have the extra layer.

“You’re the only emo I know, so the choice is easy.”

“By process of elimination, doesn’t that also imply I’m your least favorite emo too?”

“Don’t start this again, Mr. Son-of-a-professor.”

“I’ll start it if I want to!”

The door closed behind them with one final wave to his parents, and the house was quiet. Janus leaned into Logan’s waiting arms, resting his head on the other’s collar bone. 

“He’s all grown up.”

“That he is, my love.”

-----

Virgil smirked as Roman set out a large cliche picnic blanket, gesturing for him to sit. He did, crossing his legs and leaning on his knees as the other began to unload the basket. 

“Okay, so for sandwiches, I have turkey, peanut butter and jelly, and ham. Patton made me bring apple slices because he’s a dad, but I’m sure we can convince the ducks to eat them.”

To prove his point, a group of ducks paddled out from under a weeping willow half submerged in the creek.

“I like apples,” Virgil defended, grabbing a slice from the open container and shoving the whole thing in his mouth. “How many people were you intending to feed with that much food?”

Roman pouted from behind a container of potato salad. “I had to show off my food skills, duh.”

“You made that?” Virgil asked with raised eyebrows as Roman set out a tin of mini quiches and a smaller one stacked with brownies and cookies. 

“The cookies were Patton’s, but he insisted I take some. And I would have bought more, but…” He tipped the basket towards Virgil, revealing the bottom absolutely filled with different canned drinks and water bottles. “I didn’t know what you wanted to drink.”

Virgil actually did laugh as he stretched forward to snag a Doctor Pepper, taking another apple slice as he sat back. 

“Do you have a sandwich preference?” Roman asked, choosing a Sprite for himself. 

“Turkey looks good.” Virgil said before his choice paralysis could come into play, breathing a sigh of relief as Roman handed one of the sandwiches to him. The less stress he added to his own life, the better. 

Roman had been right to bring an assortment of food, because dammit, he was a really good chef. Virgil was nervous to try a quiche, since he’d never had them before and the texture was odd to him, but Roman assured that if he didn’t like it, he’d eat it instead. Apparently he wasn’t eeked out by germs. After a nibble though, Virgil ate almost half the tin. Who knew cold eggs could be good? Roman took the ham sandwich, and they split the PB&J. The ducks were more than pleased to be given Roman’s half of the apple slices but Virgil refused to share, since fresh fruits were still a treat after a life of preserves. The younger wasn’t a huge fan of the potato salad, so Roman eagerly finished it, seemingly more excited to move onto the desserts but not wanting to leave any leftovers. 

They were just finishing up the frankly absurd amount of cookies and brownies when Roman broke their casual bickering, chasing a chocolate chip bite with a long swig of Sprite and tossing another apple to their swarm of awaiting ducks.

“So, tell me a bit about yourself, Virge.”

“What do you want to know?” Virgil replied, leaning back on his hands. 

“Anything, really. Childhood, siblings, favorite color, darkest fear.”

“Quite a spectrum, there.” There was a lot he could talk about, but he felt it might be better to get the bigger things out of the way. Janus was sort of the leading expert on this kind of thing, so his advice had probably been sound. He brushed his hands together to get the crumbs off them as he spoke, “Okay, so I grew up in the foster system.”

Roman tried to hide his wince. “Ouch. I’ve heard a lot of bad things.”

“It’s fucked,” Virgil drawled, stretching his arms above his head with a yawn, “I spent most of my time in a group home, though, because I was called ‘difficult’. No one wanted to deal with my ass.”

“Why?”

“Mmm, ran away, didn’t listen, talked back, antagonized any biological kids.”

“So like, a normal teenager?” The last apple slice was sacrificed to the feathered hoard. 

Virgil snorted, “Yeah, but I came with a receipt. And I kind of liked the group home more.”

“How many kids were in the home?”

“Never more than fifteen. It was a big home. But they circulated, and I was like a housecat. Never gone for more than a month.”

“Jeez,” Roman sighed, taking a sip of his soda. 

“My foster homes weren’t better.”

“Oh?” It was a subtle encouragement to keep talking, but now it was getting into territory that Virgil liked to avoid. 

“One of my foster houses was really neglectful, forgot to give us food, didn’t let us do laundry, that kind of stuff. Gave me a wicked ED. I was twelve.”

Roman grimaced.

“My next one was more emotionally and mentally manipulative. I was kind of made into a babysitter for their younger bio kids. I had to get them ready for school, make them dinner, just basically be a parent. After I ran away from them, they started having trouble placing me. I was older, had a shitty record, kind of a left over. I mean, I deserved it. I was a dick.”

“You were a kid, Virgil.”

“A kid who chose to make his own life harder.” He shrugged, “That’s why I was placed into… that home. They were a last resort place for other ‘trouble kids’.”

Virgil took a deep breath and, with Janus’ words in his mind, began to explain his attempted conversion; the slip of tongue that led to the placement, the verbal abuse, food deprivation, electroshock therapy, the snuck antipsychotics, forced isolation, ending with the day the wife had called the police behind her husband’s back out of guilt and he was rescued. 

Roman was quiet for a long minute after he finished talking, staring entranced at the can in his hands. The ducks had dispersed during Virgil’s story, upset at the lack of food. 

“I…”

Virgil waited for him to get up and leave, to say with false apologies that he didn’t think they would work out, that the connection was wrong. Because who would want to deal with him, his stupid trauma? But the man next to him didn’t move except to breathe, and Virgil took that as an invitation to continue, his tone quieter.

“I was super out of it for a while. Honestly, I don’t remember the rescue, or like a solid month after that, except for snippets here and there. The drugs were fucky. And then my social worker, god bless her heart, found Janus and Logan. Janus was in CT too for a while when he was younger, so they took me in. Took a long time, but I opened up to them, but by then I was eighteen. They still insisted on adopting me, though, and there’s absolutely no convincing Logan once he’s made his mind up, so… they did.” He waved his hands around a little. 

“Three months,” Roman blurted out of nowhere, making Virgil flinch.

“What?”

“Were you in ther-... CT for three months?”

“Two and a bit, why?” The moment it was out of his mouth, he realized the implications, and his heart froze.

“You were gone for three months. I thought you died, or… I don’t even know.” Roman looked like he was about to cry, watching Virgil imploringly. Him going MIA must have affected his soulmate more than he’d thought. 

“Two months of CT, and then another one before I got a new phone. I’m…” All the guilt he’d felt at the time came rushing back, the reminder of his soulmate’s music dwindling to almost nothing and him being helpless, “I’m sorry. Shit, I’m so sorry. That must have been…” 

“No, Virgil, you don’t get to apologize. That was not your fault.” He reached out a hand as if to grab Virgil’s and immediately pulled back, wringing his fingers instead. “Sorry, my choice of comforting is physical. But I won’t.”

“Thank you,” Virgil choked out, running his hands through his hair.

“Can you look at me?”

He did, taking a shuddering breath. He was moments away from a panic attack and he was not looking forward to that disaster. 

“You were being- quite literally- tortured for months. You were abused in ways that shouldn’t be legal, and you came out the other side stronger. Frankly, I’m amazed at your perseverance. You’re amazing.”

Simultaneously, Virgil felt a hot blush rise to his ears, and a sharp jolt run through his arms into his chest. He jerked violently, tipping over his own soda onto the grass. 

“Shit, did I say something wrong?” Roman gasped, reaching over to pluck up the can before it could spill more. It was already half empty, thank goodness. 

“No, I just… do that. Sometimes. From… CT. Kind of like ghost shocks, I guess.” Why couldn’t the ground just open up and swallow him whole, he wondered. He hadn’t done that jerk thing in front of anyone in so long. The last time had been in front of his now-parents, and they’d quickly grown used to it. He’d grown used to their own contact very soon and his twitches had stopped after he was accustomed to it, but it had never been directed towards him, and he had a feeling he’d need time to stop his impulse reactions. 

“And me calling you amazing…”

“Triggered them. It’s an exposure thing though, so I’ll just need to get used to it. Don’t blame yourself.” He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes until bright white flashes of light burst into his vision. Suddenly, he was exhausted. 

“Do you want me to drive you home?” Roman asked, already packing up their picnic basket. Virgil nodded, his social meter drained, and all ability to be a civil person was quickly deteriorating. His therapist said that would also begin to heal after a while. 

Roman was an absolute angel though, letting the silence linger so Virgil could cradle his slowly growing headache, even opening the door of his car like a perfect gentleman. As they pulled out of the parking lot, Virgil rested his head against the seat and let a tiny smile tug at his lips. It would be a long process to retrain his brain (in theory, he was okay with being in a relationship with a man, but actually doing it? Infinitely harder), but for once, he was actually looking forward to the process. 

Would you guys like a collection of one shots surrounding Virgil’s gradual warming up to his new family, a decent mix of angst and fluff? I have some ideas. 

Thanks for reading! Now, a taglist. 

@sapphic-satan

@anxious-logic

@wigsnatchedhoteltrivago

@extraintrovertedalien

@punk-academian-witch

@ray-does-stuff

@chimneychimney

@i-cant-find-a-good-username

@falsemood

@wtf-casper

@cpmansion

@killjoyjay

@fandomfan315

@anxious-darkwolf

@eternalmoonlight19

@winterwynd

@espepspes

@ironwoman359

@willowaudreykeyes

@mycatshuman

@weweregoddesses

@im-an-anxious-wreck

@imknittingahat

@surohsopsisofclouds

@korsaromantic66

@astraheart04

@quartz-z

@mikalya12

@koalas-in-coffee

@isabelle-stars

@a-ghostlight-for-roman

@existentialeggdogg

@pumpkinminette

@coffeeflavoredtears525600

@wyvern-tales

@heyhalloween

@grayson-22

@bullet-tothefeels

@mostlikelytokillyouwithaspoon

@lovelivingmydreams

@sarcasmremovedsoul

@crofterskinnie

@blissbiscuit

@baka-monarch

@lostspacecat

@green-call

[nepenthendline]

Tendou - Insecurity

The two of you had a friendship like no other. You had met in your first year of high school and hit it off after being paired together for a project. During the first couple of weeks of school you already noticed the biased against Tendou - how he looked ‘scary’ like a monster, or how he was weird or creepy. You hadn’t spoken to him so you couldn’t comment much, but a monster? The monsters you knew of where the ones from fantasy stores: ghosts, werewolves, mysterious beings with 3 legs. He certainly couldn’t be characterised into one of those. Maybe there was a species of monster you’ve never met?

You had to admit it though, he was a little odd compared to some of those in your school. No, not odd, just different. There was never a dull moment when Tendou was around; he was loud but considerate, teasing but supportive, aloof but so detailed and precise in his actions. That’s what drew you to him in the first place, the way he could be so kind and caring, dealing with you in your worst times yet acting like nothing was going wrong. It was as if he was telling you ‘no, we are going to be happy’ whenever your mood dropped or the stress got too much. He was the life of the party - at least in your little party.

As you became closer, you learned more about each other and how you showed your affection. Tendou loved to hug you, throw his arm around your shoulder or ruffle your hair whenever you were nearby. It was comforting to you to have a friend you could be so free and doting towards. You occasionally had heart-to-hearts with the boy, spilling your thoughts, experiences, traumas to each other. He was your safe space, and you were his. You learned all about his past will bullying, but he never seemed to be bothered or upset by it. Well, not in the body language he forced out anyway, but you could see the dullness in his, usually, fiery eyes and the grit in his voice. He was hurting but he never wanted you to see it - he wanted to be your paradise, your saviour like you always were for him.

Tendou believes the only way he got through the last three years was because of you. You never once treated him differently or judged him, and you remained his biggest support system no matter what. You were perfect. It didn’t take him long to realise that he had fallen for you, for your kindness, your sincerity, your humour and your radiance, both inside and out. You let him show you the things he was interested in that no one else did, you let him indulge in the love you two shared that was never spoken and he could never repay you for that. He loved you, truly. For the past two years he knew he would go to the ends of the earth to make you happy, to see you smile. Even if he wished for a fairytale ending, the monsters were always the ones who got slaughtered.

No matter how much Tendou did to take care of you, or douse you in the love you deserved, he always knew the one in distress would only be saved by the prince. And he was no prince. He was a beast, a creature, that you shouldn’t be associated with - he didn’t want to taint you with the unholiness of his being, but he was too selfish to let you go. You were the first person who understood him and truly enjoyed his company. You were the first one who accepted him and let him inside your heart where he felt he belonged. He wanted so much more than to be just your best friend, but to be able to call you his, and tell you and show you just how he felt for you.

You both loved anime, something you bonded over a lot, so the two of you were cuddled up in Tendou’s bed with popcorn and his laptop sat in front of you playing continuous episodes of Ouran High School Host Club. This had become a normal thing for the two of you: cuddles, hand-holding or saying a quick ‘love you’ before heading your separate ways. Most people thought you two were already a couple by the way you clung onto each other in the hallways, or how he would run at you making obnoxious kissing noises. Hell, you even thought you were a couple sometimes too. The only thing that held you back from crossing that line was those confessions you both stored in your hearts.

“Satori, if he loves her so much why doesn’t he just tell her?” You whined in his chest, throwing a piece of popcorn at the screen. He let out a laugh that rumbled in your ears.

“Hmm, maybe he’s too scared. Maybe he thinks she wouldn’t love him back? Or maybe because it’s all just a big ploy to invade the commoners to finally irradiate them all and let the rich rule the world!” He exclaimed, pumping his fists in the air. You stared at him in utter bewilderment.

“...Yeah I don’t think its the last one,” he gasped with drama as you continued,

“I mean, sure, they have very different lives but if they love each other they can work it out, right?” You looked up to him, waiting for his reply. His face had fallen from his grin before as he stared back at you, before turning he gaze to the screen in front of him.

“I don’t know if its that easy sometimes Y/N,” his voice was low and firm, nothing like you had heard before.

“What do you mean? If you loved someone, wouldn’t you do anything to make it work?” you asked with your head tilted to the side. His lips formed into a slight smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

“I would. I would do anything in the world Y/N. But I don’t know if that would be enough,” you furrowed your brows at his words, trying to understand the meaning behind them. You wanted to ask him to continue, to tell you what he mean’t, but he didn’t seem to want to talk more. His eyes were back to fixating on the screen, reciting the lines of the show that he had watched over and over in the past.

You tucked your head down onto his shoulder and watched him. You watched how his jaw tensed and released with every word he said, how the screen reflected in his red eyes, how his skin looked so soft in the dim glow. Without thinking, you reached up and brushed your knuckles against his cheek. His skin really was soft and so warm.

His words had stopped immediately when your hand reached him. He was too afraid to move - nervous that the slightest movement would scare you away. He wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and relax into your sweet touch.

“Satori,”

“Hmm?”

“I love you,” you muttered, so quietly he almost didn’t hear. His head whipped round to face you. His eyes were wide and his mouth hung open a little - he was in complete shock.

“Like, really love you. Not just what we normally say to each other,” you continued, looking him in the eyes.

He didn’t respond or move in the slightest. These where the three words he had been waiting to hear for three years, and yet he couldn’t seem to accept them.

“Why?” he whispered, his voice barely leaving him.

“I...just do. You’re so kind and funny, and we get along so well. You’re smart too! You always know what I’m thinking and whenever I need you, you’re there for me. I think you’re perfect Satori,” you stumbled across your words as you emptied your heart to him. His jaw clenched as he looked away from you. “It’s ok, if you don’t feel that way about me you can tell me,” you went to get up to give him some space, but he pulled you back onto his chest.

“No. I do. I love you so much, more than you could ever imagine,” his eyes were glassy as tears formed, and his throat wobbled as he spoke.

“Then why-”

“Because I’m not right for you. You deserve so much more Y/N. Someone who isn’t so weird, someone who isn’t scary. God, even someone who people will even choose to look at without wanting to run away. You are so perfect, so pure and I want you to stay that way. Not be with someone so ugly and...and...unnatural as me.” You could tell he was trying so hard to hold back from letting the floodgates of his mind from opening, but he was so wrong. You sat up on your knees and held his face between your hands,

“Satori, you better listen to me. You are not ugly. You are not scary or unnatural. You are you, and I love every part of you. I love that you’re weird, I love your crazy red hair and those beautiful, beautiful eyes. I love how well you read me and know how I’m feeling. Don’t you ever say those words about the one I love,” you pleaded, brushing your thumbs against his skin and searching his eyes for his reply. He pulled your hands away from his face and looked away, letting out a sarcastic chuckle,

“Everyone says it, that I’m a monster. I know you’ve heard it too. I’m nothing more than a hideous monster.” He raised his voice a little. His words almost sound like a threat. You were both silent for a few seconds.

“What if I want that monster? If you really are the monster you say you are, then what if I love that monster? I love you Satori, not what you, or others, think you are,” you placed you hand on his chest over his heart and leaned your forehead against his, “ I love you for the loving, kind, intelligent man that I know is in here, and if that makes you a monster, then I must be a monster too.” No matter how distraught or nervous you were, you kept your words firm. You need him to see that you were speaking the truth.

“Give me a chance and let me know you that I mean it, that I love you and that I’m not going to run away. I’m not scared Satori, I could never be scared of you. Let me make you feel loved, and happy, and beautiful. Give me that chance and I won’t ask for anything more,” you were close to begging him at this rate. Your eyes were squeezed shut at you spoke. After a few moments, you felt him nod gently against your head.

Your hands reached back up to his face, settling them on his cheeks. The heat of your palms stung his skin in the most pleasurable way as he stared into your eyes. Slowly, you leaned forward, slotting your nose besides his and waited as if asking for permission. He met you half way, gently pressing his lips to yours. His lips were shaking and chapped, and you could taste the salty tears that made their way down his face, but you had never experienced something so sweet. After a few, hesitant seconds, you pulled away,

“You’re my angel.”

Taglist: @togasknifes​

[cosmicaces]

it’s. it’s something when the game you’ve sunk almost 1900 hours has one more surprise for you. i’ve replayed the prologue so many times, and, on the game’s final day, only just now have i discovered that you could interact with this poster

i may be a writer, but i’m not necessarily good with words. battleborn has had a significant impact on my life, for better and for worse. while gigantic is my special interest as well as the way i met my partner, battleborn was, well, the start, i suppose you could say.

when this game came out on may 3rd, 2016, i was in a real bad spot. my parents relationship had, well, gone south. the process of divorce began in november 2015, and my dad was using me to vent, spouting horrible, awful things to me, lies, blames, contradictions, those sorts of things. i started off 2016 feeling pretty suicidal because of it, leading into a downspiral of self-deprecation that worsened in april. see, my dad had decided to move us back into our shitty down, back on our shitty street, into a shitty house down the street that was small, cramped, and infested with centipedes. my sisters and i, we didn’t want to move, but we had no choice in the matter.

it was at the start of may, the start of going back into that school i despised that i learned about battleborn. i saw the opening cinematic on twitter, and i was in awe, starstruck. this game was a light in the darkness that had made itself so prominent, and when the game had gone on sale, where others laughed and pointed fingers i was ecstatic because that meant i could get it.

my laptop ran this game on the barest of minimum requirements, but it ran. low graphics? bad frames? it didn’t matter to me so long as i could play. i started with orendi. of the starter characters, i thought she was the most interesting, both visual and kit-wise. i played her until the renegade, where i got stuck. it’s embarrassing to admit, honestly, but because of my failures i unlocked shayne and aurox, who i immediately adored. they were witty, snappy, playful, and i loved the energy they brought. as a matter of fact, i played them throughout the rest of story. there’s a simple reason for that though: i just wanted to play mellka.

mellka stood out to me the moment i saw her in the cinematic. looking back on it now, i realize that it was the first step to me realizing that i wasn’t aromantic, but a lesbian (it wouldn’t be until 2020 that i realize that i was demiromantic as well, but nevermind that). she was really cool, to say the least, and god was she pretty! i wanted to play her immediately, but to unlock her you had to beat the heliophage on normal. this meant that i wanted to get through the story as soon as possible. the moment i completed that final mission, well, the rest was history.

i played mellka nonstop, constantly replaying the story and working on her lore challenges. i had almost finished them...until i ran into a bit of a hurdle. see, to get the last challenge, i needed to play with a ghalt. problem was...i didn’t have any friends with the game, hell, i hardly had friends at all. i was terribly shy, and the thought of having to ask strangers for help was terrifying. desperation to complete the challenge won, though, and that ask for help genuinely changed my life forever.

for the first time, i had sought out a discord server and joined a discord server, joined a place with complete strangers and battled through discomfort and fear and soon found my place, feeling comfortable and excited. i was socializing, and my energy knew no bounds. of course, being an 15-16 yr old with unrealized neurodivergency who had minimal knowledge of talking to people would later come back to bite, and now, haunt me, but social consequences had no thought in my mind at the time. i had done what i thought was impossible for me, and that did lead to a positive change. and, y’know, that energy did lead to some good things.

my memories of battleborn are very fond. some of them are tainted now, but stains can only cover so many feelings. feelings of fun, of bonding, of just...not being alone. i never realized how alone i was. as i was playing through each mission, i was just...catapulted with emotions. so many flashbacks of playing through missions, various divergencies of which characters we were, of who was there, of laughs, jokes, frustrations, all of these things. it made me want to smile. it almost made me burst into tears.

it’s not something i’ve talked about publicly, and i’ll scarcely go into detail about what happened, but...man, it’s hard to admit but it’s also because of battleborn that i’ve developed some pretty bad social trauma. it’s...hard, and weird, y’know? like...i wasn’t able to play the game for months after it happened. looking at the game just wanted to make me cry. that situation left me with...so much anger, sadness, and anxiety. hell, i still get angry about it, thinking about the way i was treated, about how i was the youngest person involved but i tried to make things right. i used to think i didn’t handle it in the right way, but i’m older now, and i can say that yeah, i did my fucking best. i think about those people, of course i still think about them. i can’t help but wonder, do they think about me too? do they have any idea how it’s permanently affected the way i grow with people? that i’m so fearful of being annoying, overstepping a boundary, of being lied to, of asking for honestly and being met with 0 response, given no chance to try and make things better? the answers clearly no. i know i’m the only one who still dwells on it, and i feel like they’d laugh at me for it. if they somehow read this, well...cool. won’t bring me any peace. please don’t ask me about it, either

its...not something that feels right to include with a post that’s essentially a memento, but...it’s important, and it did affect how i felt towards the community. i’d see people refer to the battlefam, but...i never felt apart of it anymore. i became all too aware of how my youth affected being apart of a community with adults, and it felt so...less welcoming after that. it’s a shame, really

thanks to that situation, though, i was able to grow closer with two people, my friends viv (@/brokenandazure) and ghost (ghostbones). viv really helped me come to terms with some of my emotions, and i’ll forever be grateful for that. they helped me be outgoing, helped me feel more confident in playing pvp, and is still an inspiration to me with how they can play games and just...be fine and not get frustrated.

i’ve a bit to say about ghost. so, remember how i said how that energy did lead to some good things? well, ghost is one of those good things. i met them through youtube. there had been a link shared on tumblr to their video about alani, and being the only channel who was posting about battleborn, i gave them a follow. still riding off that socialization high, i found myself commenting on all of their videos. they were enjoyable to watch! they’re funny, kind, and they say some pretty insightful stuff! honestly, seeing them upload anything new was a highlight of my day. battleborn brought us closer, and, y’know, they’re kinda like an older sibling to me. they were there for me in some REALLY rough times, and when i say rough i mean rough, and i’ll forever be grateful for that. sometimes i look at payday 2 and wonder if i should reinstall it, just to have another thing to do with them. we’re still pretty close, and we play apex together! they do have to deal with me being a complete sap towards pin though ehehe <3

speaking of pin, well...honestly, while we met through gig, it really is thanks to battleborn that i met her. battleborn helped me learn how to socialize, and it’s through socializing and wanting to find people to talk to about the same interests is how i met pin. i’m...really appreciative of that. my relationship with pin is one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. if you read this, dear, i love you <3

as abrupt as it feels, this post does need to have an ending. replaying through the story felt so...nice. i went from playing it in 2016 with the lowest settings possible to playing it in 2021 with the best settings possible. i never thought id actually be able to see the game in its best form but...i did! and it was like playing it for the first time all over again. sort of. close enough. i think the best part of it was playing through the heliophage without any lag. y’know, i didn’t skip that ending cutscene this time, and, let me tell you, it hit a helluva lot different. i mean, asides from the “game is being permanently shutdown” thing, but the line “may our battle never end”. now, that’s a line that just sticks with you. for the worst thing about my final playthrough, well...it hurt, talking about the dumb shit i’d do. about breaking the map with mellka, of lore squads, of gags, and just...not being able to do anything like that again. it really hurts, but...i’ve found my peace with it. i think. well, it’ll have to do.

in the end, it is because of battleborn that i love, that i know im loved. this game really was something special, and it’s a shame that people never gave it a chance. i’m glad i did. and, in the end, it gave me one final surprise.

thank you, battleborn, for everything <3

[wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey]

Kdrama recs Part 2

Hello @camsthisky and anyone else who cares! I do apologize for the delay on this post--it has only been 84 years since Part I of my kdrama recs, I know, and I thought about going for a full century but this is me finding a way to de-stress after watching the first episode of I-Land alkdjfadlksj I’m gonna die of heartbreak but whatever

Speaking of heartbreak, there is a lot to be found in Korea’s wonderful historical dramas, so like, be warned—or, if you are an angst-loving monster like me, settle down for hot guys and good cries

Let us begin! (or, if you want romantic modern dramas see Part 1)

1. Scarlet Heart Ryeo/Moonlovers: 

aha ahahahahahaha *weeps* You may have heard people talk about this show. You may have heard ME talk about this show. This thing was my first kdrama ever and it RUINED ME 

Disclaimer: I have seen this show once and rewatched it twice and on the rewatches I can never quite make myself watch the last 4 or 5 episodes because things get tragic and messy and I get mad. HOWEVER there is a lot of good in the first part of the show and because this thing was all the rage in everywhere but Korea itself, there’s like over 300 fanfic for it and several good fix-its, including one by my good friend @thelonelybrilliance

Ok so anyway this show which could also be called An Abundance of Princes starts with a young woman from modern times getting thrown back into ancient Goryeo during an eclipse and finds herself in the body of Hae Soo, the cousin of the wife of one of the princes, and thus she gets embroiled in royal affairs which are, quite frankly, a mess. See, the evil eyeliner prince (whom I love even when he’s the worst) is plotting with his mom to get the Crown Prince out of the way aka dead BUT who should return to the Palace but the 4th Prince, Wang So, who has spent at least half his life living as hostage to a powerful family. 

So has a scar that cuts across his eye and which in this society makes him a horror to look at or smthing idk he just looks extra hot to me but anyway he wears a mask and is known as the wolf dog (or as the MURDER ANGST CUPCAKE thanks @abadpoetwithdreams). He might seem a little rough around the edges at first because his life has been hell but he really just wants to love and be loved okay people need to be nice to him wtf

Other princes include: 

    1.  the Crown Prince, Wang Mu, a good egg, not particularly charismatic but he tried to protect his lil bro when no one else would

    2.  the 8th prince, Wang Wook, who reminds me of a fellow named Shane and I don’t mean the cowboy

    3.  the 10th prince, Wang Eun, a dumb adorable spoiled bby (played by Baekhyun from EXO)

    4.  the 13th prince, Baek Ah, a tol soft boi, an artist, a BAE, a BRO, a SHIPPER ON DECK

    5.  the 14th prince, Wang Jung this son will fight everyone he’ll fight himself he just loves to fight! Not always wise but he’s a good boy and I like him a lot 

    6.  just realized I skipped the 9th prince but nobody cares 

One quick note is that IU plays Hae Soo, and I enjoy her a lot in the first half of the show where she is still spunky and rebellious...sadly her character kind of falls apart/gets too weak for my liking as the episodes progress

The MAIN reason why I feel it my duty to recommend this show to everyone despite the fact I have never met anyone who wasn’t traumatized by it is LEE JOON GI

Yes, this man:

 I mentioned him in the previous rec post—he played Bong Sang Pil in Lawless Lawyer (AND IS NOW CURRENTLY STARRING IN FLOWER OF EVIL WHICH WILL BE ON ANOTHER POST AHDFOIASDHGALDSKJF FRIQ I AM IN LOVE WITH THAT MAN) 

BUT SERIOUSLY LOOK AT HIS PHOENIX EYES!!! HIS RAZOR SHARP FEATURES! HIS BIG ADORABLE EARS! HIS BEAUTIFUL EXCESSIVE BANGS! 4TH PRINCE WANG SO LOVE OF MY LIFE

SOMEONE PROTECT THIS BBY

2. Hwarang: Ok so right off the bat I am going to smack down a disclaimer that I can’t stand the female lead. TRULY CANNOT. Thus, I don’t like the romance, and only care about the love triangle as far as it just shows how sad and lonely one of the guys is. (Also there are scenes of dumb old men plotting and I don’t like them either). At the end of the show, I am happy that the one guy is NOT stuck with the female lead as his wife. Good for you sir

Sounds like a show to steer clear of then, right? WRONG. This is a show that you skip through because the scenes that are good? Are GREAT

Picture this: It is the Silla era of Korea, and the queen is ruling as regent in place of her son, who has been hiding all his life because everyone wants to kill him. Well, son is now grown and must soon come into the light and take the throne. Queen who both wants her son as king but also really likes being queen decides to do everyone a favor and form an elite fighting squad out of all the prettiest and most talented sons of nobles in the land, with the idea that they will be loyal only to the throne, and thereby keep their dads from plotting to destroy everything. 

Let me tell you something, these ARE the prettiest boys in the land. Good hair, good jawlines, beautiful smiles—the cast lineup includes Park Hyung Sik and his cute lil elf ear, Park Seo Joon, Taehyung (yes from BTS!), and Choi Minho from Shinee, plus two other actors who are lesser known but who are drop-dead gorgeous. Anyway. Sorry, but they really are all beautiful. 

The fun thing is they don’t all get along right away, a few of them are VERY much opposed to the other for various reasons, but they all have to bond and become brothers in arms. And what they don’t know is that the real king snuck in and is one of them. 10/10 I would die for the boys! (also Tae has an older half-brother who is a lower rank than him but whom he looks up to and that makes for cuteness and pain) Once you skip the boring or annoying parts of the show, the rest has so much delight, laughter, and oops pain, lots of pain. I want to go re-watch. 

Two other things I should mention about the show: a super soft side romance between secondary characters and a game of, as they call it in the show, HOT SOCCER 

^pretty boy 1 (with the cute elf ear sadly on the other side of his head)

^pretty boy 2 (sad cheekbone bby) and pretty boy 3 (happy cheekbone bby)

^pretty boy 4 (the prettiest of them all, and he knows it!)

^pretty boy 5 (aka Taehyung danced around the set of a historical drama and made everyone adopt him as their bby) 

3. Faith/The Great Doctor: This is a longer kdrama at 24 episodes and they didn’t have much of a budget so special effects aren’t the best or anything but I just got really attached to all the characters? This is another modern girl goes back in time but UNLIKE SHR it actually has a happy ending, so if you need a historical drama cleanse after that tearjerker/enrager, this could be it for you

Eun Soo has to navigate the ancient kingdom, keep people believing she is a heavenly doctor with special powers, and keep Choi Young alive so he can fulfill his promise of returning her to her own time. The problem with that is Choi Young does have kind of a death wish because of reasons—

Eun Soo is a plastic surgeon who would really like a rich handsome husband one day but them’s the breaks for you, aka she has had no luck in that department. Back in ancient Korea, Choi Young (played by Lee Minho in sadly the only role I really love him in) is a high-ranking beloved captain who can fall asleep anywhere. Oh he can also make electricity with his hands! :D

The story begins when the sleepy sad captain tries to escort the new king and queen to their palace. This was during the time period when ancient Korea was basically a puppet kingdom/tributary of ancient China (Yuan). The king (who is very smol and lacks confidence, but still has a good heart for his country) lived as a hostage in Yuan for many years, and his wise tol queen is a princess of that land, and someone needs to sit them down and make them talk because they actually love each other a lot. Anyway, when the queen gets injured by assassins, Choi Young goes searching for a legendary doctor, winds up in modern Korea, and steals both Eun Soo and a SWAT shield, because hey, it looked cool I guess

Lots of fun things in the show: Choi Young has a crew of soldiers who are BEYOND loyal to him, and while he doesn’t think much of the king at first because he’s been burned by kings before, they slowly become bros and shippers on deck for each other. Eun Soo does not lose her spunk or loyalty unlike other people I could mention *cough*HaeSoofromScarletHeartRyeo*, and it cracks me up when she curses people out. There are also a bunch of people (mostly bad guys) running around with special powers or gifts, including a flame lady and a flute boy, and the latter wears delightful anime wigs, keeps his sword in his flute, and plays his flute to kill—literally! I love flute boy very much 

sorry it’s black and white but DO YOU SEE THE SWAT SHIELD

4. My Country: A New Age:

ANGST ANGST ANGST PAAAAAIN BUT ALSO BEST INTRO BEST FAVES BEST ACTORS

Picture this: two young men, who both hail from childhoods of trauma, who grew up together and are best friends, and who are tragically forced apart and end up on opposite sides of a conflict that threatens to upend the current rule of the kingdom. This IS the star-crossed brotp you’ve been waiting for!

Seo Hwi is the son of a general who died a criminal, and all he wants is to live simply and earn enough rice take care of his younger sister, who has seizures and a sweet crush on Hwi’s bestie. Hwi is the best softest most loyal boy with a good and true heart, a great deal of courage, and a talent for wielding a sword, and just wait till you see the best one-shot fight scene ever of him in battle, it is INCREDIBLE! (He is played by Yang Se Jong, who I now want to see more of) Hwi has an abundance of charisma points in that he picks up a small band of loyal soldier friends and they become the best little found family, lots of brotp-ness in this crew—do not mess with any of them because they will all FIGHT you

Seon Ho meanwhile is the illegitimate despised son of a powerful nobleman, only tolerated because the legitimate son died. Seon Ho loves his friend and is very protective of his friend’s little sister who crushes on him but his dad is a high class grade A power-hungry jerk and that causes complications of course. Seon Ho also has a good heart, he’s a gentle soul really, but he always gets stuck in bad positions and unfortunately makes a couple of difficult/bad choices so he hardens himself as much as he can but the consequences always kill him and he just wants to save his friends and destroy his dad and the stupid hierarchy that treats bastards as lesser. WHY IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? 

Seon Ho he is played by Woo Do Hwan who has so much talent I die so many times over in this show just because of the way he portrays Seon Ho like that sad sad boy is one of my favorite characters evER! Is he problematic? At times maybe but I am HERE for him he just needs LOVE AND AFFECTION AND AN ABUNDANCE OF GOOD FRIENDS BUT INSTEAD (SOMETIMES THRU HIS OWN FAULT BUT HE ADMITS THAT) HE JUST SUFFERS AND SO I SUFFERRRR

*grabs a towel and dries up my tears*

Hwi also falls in love with a woman named Hui Jae (or was it Hee Jae i can’t remember) and they are very cute together, she’s pretty cool but the show’s one failing is arguably that they kind of underuse her in the plot as the story goes on? But I still like her and she still has a good role, and she is both brave and kind and not afraid to step in or tell people off, also keep a weather eye open for patching up scenes! 

Oh yeah, eVERYONE in this gets hurt/stabbed/shot/bloody, such a shame they have to take their shirts off to clean and bandage the wounds ;)

Last character I must mention is Bang Won, played by Jang Hyuk in his second interpretation of the historical figure. Bang Won is the fifth? son of the guy who becomes emperor/king, and he has his own plans for the country, so when Hwi catches his eye, he recruits him to his cause.  What you need to know about him is that he has issues with his dad, is slightly unhinged, and cannot and should not be parted from the fan that he constantly carries around with him. Gotta say, Jang Hyuk is FANTASTIC (heheheheheheh) in the role, able to convey all kinds of emotion in the rise and fall of his voice, in the tilt of his head, the tears of his eyes, the flick of his fan. Give this actor all the awards! 

To sum up: if you like to cry for days after watching a drama, if you like excellent heart-wrenching brotps, if you like conflicted characters, if you like amazing music and setting and plot, if you like guys with good hair and arm muscles (and 

abs, thank you shirtless scenes what) this show is a Must Watch 

DID I SAY STAR-CROSSED BROTP I MEANT SWORD-CROSSED BROTP ADKJFADLSKJFLKJDFALKDGKLJL </3

~

Ok I was going to leave the historical drama post at this for now but...I’m going to cheat a little and include the one historical C!drama I just finished.Yes folks I am talking about:

5. Nirvana in Fire:

Ok so maybe the switch from kdrama to cdrama makes you uncertain. Maybe the fact that this show has FIFTY-FOUR EPISODES makes you go hell no I don’t have enough time for that. Well if you overlook this show for those reasons, you are making, and I do not exaggerate, the greatest mistake of your show-watching life!

Look, first, this drama has one of the best, most intricate, most satisfying plots in history, with like 20 characters you would die for, and second, the episodes are only about 42 minutes each, which is shorter than most kdrama episodes, so you can deal.

Once upon a time there was a general/family who were just too good to exist in corrupt old China, so naturally they were framed for treason and there was a giant massacre and everybody died, including the eldest prince who was like um dad maybe this is all a horrible mistake and the king was like no u are the mistake. Sad times.

One of the many younger princes named Jing (A NOBLE HEART, if not always the cleverest) returns home from wherever he was, finds out that not only did his prince brother die, but so did his best friend/brother in the whole wide world, Lin Shu, son of the general. Because he insists on the innocence of said bros/family, Jing becomes an outcast prince and is shuffled off to fight in wars where he can’t cause any trouble. Meanwhile, Princess Nihuang, Lin Shu’s brave, awesome, amazing, wise, incredible girlfriend, refuses to marry anyone else, and because she is too cool to be messed with, nobody tries to banish her

Cut to I think eleven years later, when the two most powerful princes are vying to be the crown prince and heir to the throne. They both try to recruit the aid of a renowned clever and sassy strategist named Mei Changsu, to help them with plotting and PR and such.

Well little do they know that Mei Changsu is actually the not-dead Lin Shu, with a completely new face (for reasons), and that Mei Changsu is a chess master setting up a long con for the dual purpose of obtaining revenge/justice for the dead and of raising Prince Jing to the throne, since Prince Jing is the only man with a good enough heart and strong enough will to make China a better place for all the people. But just to make it hard on everybody, Mei Changsu is dead set on not telling anyone who he really is—again, for reasons. He is not always successful in keeping his secret.

I literally don’t know what else to say because there is so MUCH to say, so many characters to love, and I mean LOVE. How do you get a cast this good? How is everyone so different yet so important? How do you feel bad for the emperor even when he’s slimy? How do you have to stop yourself from rooting for the prince who would destroy some of your faves? I can’t praise the charisma and acting talent in this show enough! And the music! IS GORGEOUS!

1 strategist too sassy for his own good and too clever for everyone else’s good + 1 prince who loves his mom and his dead best friend and his dead older brother more than anything else in the world + 1 gentle wise mom + 1 eternally loyal princess who would defend her loved ones with the sword if necessary + 1 sassy Elrond healer man + 1 grumpy sulky baby who loves being a better fighter than almost everyone + 1 loyal to the death, brave badass general who is going to have a stress breakdown if the strategist doesn’t take better care of himself + not 1 but 2 good boys who deserve to be protected but who are willing to throw themselves into battle if necessary + 1 antagonist tiger prince who I love and am not ashamed to say it = THE BEST OF TIMES

^he hardly ever wears his hair down but when he does <33333333

*checks calendar* how soon is too soon rewatch something, asking for a friend

[hollandroos]

Everything that left with you | Tom Holland series, chapter 1

Summary: When you lose someone, it can feel like you lose yourself too and while you may not want it, sometimes you need someone who understands to bring you back.

Written with the wonderful @neptuneparker

Words: 2746

Warnings (IMPORTANT, PLEASE READ): this fic focuses around a homicide support group and deals with things such as murder, kidnappings (in flashbacks and mentioned throughout) and mental illness and trauma. PLEASE do not read if this will trigger you in any way. it is a little darker then what is usually posted on here so please BE AWARE.

Disclaimer: This is NOT a romance fic and there will be no romance between Tom and the reader.

Once again, PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS BEFORE YOU READ THIS SERIES!

The circle was more full than normal, Y/N noted as she sat in the rickety folding chair with a bland cup of lukewarm coffee. There was a new face sitting two chairs away from her, he looked shy and sullen and no one made a move to talk to him– but then again, not many people spoke here.

Wendy was the leader of the group, she was spunky and had never lost someone the way everyone else did. Y/N had envied her, she seemed happy, she hated seeing people happy and even more, she hated opening up to people that could never experience the level of pain she felt on a day to day basis. She’d utter a few words about how she felt on that day and Wendy would give her a small smile, telling her that she was improving when in reality, improvement had halted long ago.

“Who would like to start us off today?” Wendy asked, rubbing her hands together as people sat in the circle. It was silent, people never wanted to speak first at these meetings, they all knew what the other was thinking without even having to speak. It wasn’t that hard to.

“I will.” Y/N spoke, it was the first time she had talked to the majority of these individuals, she was typically silent at the meetings, fingers tapping against a flask of cold coffee as others spoke but never her. She cleared her throat and began her cynical telling. “I’m Y/N, twenty-three, and when I was fifteen a man broke into my house and killed my older brother while I hid in the closet. You’ve all been waiting to hear that one right?” She spoke curtly, her face void of emotion as the rest of the group stayed silent.

The new man two seats over watched her with a haze in his eyes, one that never seemed to leave. It was rare that he ever showed any emotion since that incident and the only time he ever did it was pure sadness- and guilt, definitely guilt. The circle is still silent and Y/N lets out a breath, waiting for someone else to speak as her words linger seamlessly in the air.

It wasn’t that they were shocked by her experience because they each had their own, rather chilling story to tell. Each horrifically different. Y/N’s was just one more thrown into a void of plenty. At least that’s what she felt.

He gives the girl a side glance, coughing as he leans forward in his seat. “I’m Tom, twenty-eight. My six-year-old daughter was taken from her bedroom and the police found her body facedown in the woods three weeks later.”

He ignored the restriction in his arms as the jacket he wore hugged his biceps when he leaned forward, prefering to stare at the ground for an awkward moment.

There was a hush over the small group of people, they all looked to the ground, except for her. Y/N looked straight into Tom’s eyes, recognizing the same feeling she had deep inside of her, noticing the guilt laying underneath the sheen of tears.

“We went to the park that day. The police said that’s likely where he chose her. Chose her, like she was a toy or a pair of fucking jeans.” He hated talking about it, he could never keep his anger inside, the anger he had for the world for not being able to find the person who took away his pride and joy.

She listened to every harsh word with crossed arms and a stone cold face but she felt them, she really did. Because she wouldn’t forget the sight of her own brother coated in his blood—the crimson red sticking to the walls and running across the carpet. It was an experience she wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy. “He was older than me, seventeen at the time and we were watching Christmas movies when the other guy burst into the house.” She mutters. “It hurts a lot, and it never stops. It never fucking stops hurting, right?”

Tom had never witnessed anyone who felt his pain before, never had he met another who could compare to what he felt that day and everyday after. Nobody had experienced their heart being forcibly removed from their chest at the arms of another, someone else’s choices to take their loved one from this life. He clenched his jaw, seeing the slight pain on her face as she spoke about her encounter, it was hidden, but it was there.

And while he sat in a room full of people that likely felt every ounce of pain that he experienced from losing his little girl, he still felt lonely. So fucking lonely– but for a moment he had her. The girl with the darkest eyes– not physically but he could see so much pain hidden behind them, and the dark circles that could run for miles.

“I hid in the closet and watched and the man took my mother’s jewellery and left.” She paused, looking down at her fingers. “I wish he opened the closet door to find me.”

“Y/N, Tom.” The leader coughed awkwardly, welcoming her newest. It wasn’t Y/N of course, she’d been coming here for years but Tom was new—despite the accident occurring years ago. “I’m glad you’re... bonding.” Y/N shook her head sarcastically and Tom noticed, fiddling with his fingers. “I’m glad to be here.”

It was sarcasm, nothing more. Because if his daughter wasn’t killed then he wouldn’t have to be here in the first place and if her brother hadn’t been murdered, then she’d be at home right now, decorating for Christmas. Now she hated Christmas.

If he hadn’t taken that life, the life of her loved one then she wouldn’t be up at all hours of the night because every time she closed her eyes she was back in that closet, a hand place securely over her mouth as warm tears ran down her scolding cheeks. She wouldn’t hear those piercing screams and then utter silence then the boots– the heavy thudding that possessed her nightmares as he stepped around the closet. Her eyes held many sleepless nights and if you looked really closely, you could see every memory suppressed.

And if this daughter hadn’t been torn from his grasp at such a young, ripe age then he would still be able to put even the slightest bit of trust into people. He wouldn’t have to watch the barista that he used to talk to daily make his coffee with piercing eyes and one hand over the counter, maybe he’d still help the little old lady next door bring her groceries into the house every Sunday. Tom used to trust way too fucking hard and it cost him more then he had ever expected.

And now, now every time he closed his fucking eyes he thinks about how scared his little girl must have been, what her screams might have been like, the look in her eyes when he took her, and the numerous calls out for Tom that were never answered.

They were all damaged, utterly fucked and riddled with guilt and nightmares and the inability to trust and simply want to give love.

Wendy plastered an over joyful smile on her face and glances towards one of the other support group members– Billy, a thirty-something year old that talked a little more then he should’ve if he was invited to.

“Shall we carry on then?”

“Tomorrow will be the eighth year since my mom…” The stories of the other members faded to the background as Y/N stared toward the sullen father. She could tell that there was something he wasn’t talking about, there was resentment behind his story, and more anguish than most she had encountered.

Tom didn’t look at the rest of the group, he stared at the brown and black carpet, a ringing present in his ears, it was just like that day they found Paisley. The carpet was as dark as the soil he walked over, his boot indenting the rich earth. It had just rained and Tom couldn’t help but wonder if she got to see it before her life was taken from her.

“See you all next week. There are more coffee and cookies over at the tables. Stay safe.” Wendy said, interrupting Tom’s intrusive thoughts. The circle dispersed and most of the individuals walked out of the recreation center’s doors, not wanting to be surrounded by the cloud of depression and self-pity that they had to endure week after week. Tom didn’t want to be alone, though, he wanted to be around people like him, who understood him, for as long as possible.

Tom stirred cream into his coffee, the dark liquid flowering lighter than before, Paisley loved watching that. The coffee was cold, but he didn’t care, he wasn’t even going to drink it, he just wanted to hold it to make it seem like he had some reason, some purpose for staying back longer with the rest of them.

“That was one hell of a story.” Y/N commented, picking at the few cookies left on the purple plastic platter.

“You too.” He said softly, looking up at her for a second before looking back down at his constantly stirring coffee. “Sorry about your brother.”

She shrugged at his comment, letting out a breathy chuckle before breaking off a piece of a cookie. “You don’t have to be. You didn’t kill him.”

“I still can be, I’m human.” Tom said back to her, looking down at his feet. They were pointing toward the door, eager to leave and be home by himself, wallowing in his own self-pity like he did every other day.

She looked up at him for one of the first times since the meeting ended. His curls hung in front of his forehead, he looked like he hadn’t had a haircut in months—and he hadn’t. Tom barely took care of himself since he found his daughter.

“Could’a fooled me.” She joked, unable to be vulnerable for too long. This was the first time that she was able to talk about what happened that night, she never wanted to mention it to anyone. She didn’t want people telling her that they were sorry for her, it was her biggest pet peeve.

Both of them held little emotions. This was probably the hardest day of the week for both of them. It was where you’d have to open up, actually reach out and talk about things that you preferred to keep hidden in the darkest parts of your mind.

Tom didn’t want to forget Paisley and her little pink gumboots or her adoration for hot chocolate with marshmallows overflowing the top of the mug and Max and Ruby. He didn’t want to forget the way her giggles bounced off of the walls or the sound of her feet pandering down the hallway at half past eleven at night. He never wanted to forget the way she ran around without clothes on after her bath when she was just a baby, babbles leaving her mouth as he ran after her.

But he wanted to forget what it felt like to walk into her room that day– to find books and toys turned upside down and the window wide open, rain and wind smashing against the blinds. To this day he could still feel his heart pounding in his chest as he looked around the room, he hadn’t even heard anything from the kitchen.

“Paisley! Sweetheart? Where are you?” He yelled, his own voice sounded foreign to him as it rang in his own ears and through the empty room. Normally her giggle would erupt from the closet or from under the bed but it was silent. “Fuck oh fuck..” he spoke softly, seeing her rain boots by the window, one knocked over on its side. He knew she would have put her boots on if she left, but she wouldn’t have left without telling him, even if he had yelled at her just before that—she knew he loved her, right? Tom was short of breath, his hands shaking before the mug of hot chocolate slipped from his hand, shattering on the ground—marshmallows rolling on the hardwood floors, the brown liquid bleeding through the open Berenstain Bears books on the floor, her favorites.

The thoughts filled his mind constantly, never once did he stop thinking about her. He hadn’t spoken to anyone outside of his family in the last seven months, for the last person to speak to him was the funerary director when giving him the bill for burying his six-year-old. The pain of outliving your own child is indescribable, so why talk about it?

“You gonna come here every week?” Y/N asked, pulling Tom away from his spiraling thoughts. He gulped, shrugging his shoulders. Tom knew it was good to come back, his mother begged him week after week to just try it—she couldn’t stand to see her son like this any longer once he stopped seeing his therapist.

She had described him of a shell of the man he used to be and while his mother had been supportive, by his side through everything, Tom no longer appreciated her attempts to heal him.

He hated that word- Heal. Tom believed that he would never heal and refused to give himself false hope.

The older women had lived with him for a few months after Paisleys passing but she didn’t need to live with him anymore to know that he was refusing to sleep, living straight on coffee and canned soup and if he did sleep on the odd day- it was after crying himself to sleep and torturing himself with thoughts of the child before her taking.

“Gonna try.” He spoke curtly, not wanting to be any more vulnerable than he already had that day. “I suck at keeping to routines though, they just don’t seem to stick. I’m more of a spur of the moment kinda guy.” Tom finishes.

Paisley hated that about her father. He sucked with routines and they often made him late to pick her up from dance or school. It meant that they would sometimes have dinner at four pm and sometimes at eight. Still, she’d have herself in bed by at least eight thirty pm exactly every single night.

“Well if you do decide to come every week at least you’ve got a friend here.” Y/N secretly hoped that the stranger would come back. She hadn’t seemed to click with any of the others yet and while she hadn’t clicked with Tom, she wanted to at least make an effort with this one. His story broke her heart but he didn’t search for pity.

Tom glances at the girl, seeing a small but barely there smile tug at her lips. The lukewarm support group coffee left a film on his teeth, it felt as he did, there was an extra layer between his teeth and the air—an extra layer between him and the rest of the world. His mother joked once that coffee was just as bitter as him. But before Paisley had died, Tom prefered his coffee sweet with extra sugar. Every sip would make him smile but now every sip of his coffee, bitter as could be made him screw his face up. He felt that it was all he deserved.

“I’ll think about it.” He decides, mind already caught up on other things.

Positive posters lined the walls, decorated with quotes and sayings he deemed bullshit. You had chuckled at them once too, drawing a mustache on one of the men that spoke lies about putting yourself first and all that crap. What did that even mean? Maybe putting herself first was shoving herself in that closet.

But maybe that was all bullshit, maybe this whole support group was all bullshit, a way for people to feel like they’re being heard when nothing about their stories mattered to anyone else. Maybe, just maybe she’d realize the lies she’s been fed for years after attending these meetings but she kept showing up for someone to come who understood her. Someone who understood that no, not everything is going to be okay, and as she watched Tom walk out of the recreation center building, she knew it was him.

Please remember to reblog or send me an ask telling me what you thought of this - it took us months to get right and we would appreciate some thoughts :-)

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