#(that has nothing to do with the post I just thought it was funny sksks)
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epicfroggz Ā· 4 months ago
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While i agree with you that it's very likely the abyssal serpent isn't an outer god and more of an eldrich parasite, you don't see other outer gods being obsessed with consuming and destroying the demigods they cursed. Most of them feel they're just forces of nature like the rot & the frenzied flame etc.. while the Abyssal serpent show some "wickedbess" and hatred towards Messmer it will do anything to destroy him .so you think that they're similar to Radagon/Marika? I think the white blind serpent is messmer while the red one he summoned which has red eyes and multiple eyes on its body is the serpent of the abyss, so they're kinda still different entities? While i think the abyssal serpent being Messmer is confusing but i appreciate your analysis, because it's far more interesting than the serpent being a new outer god.
Hi, thanks for the ask! I will attempt to clear it up!
I do not believe the Abyssal Serpent is attempting to consume or destroy Messmer, at least not intentionally. As is the theme of the DLC, perspective must be consideredā€”the serpent is malevolent, but to who?
(long post under cut!)
The Abyssal Serpent is not stated to be harming Messmer, as far as I can tell. The only potential harm it could be doing is eating away at his kindling, but it is his flame that is the curse: ā€œMessmer despised his own fire. Time and time again he hoped to rid himself of it, but ever did it burnā€ (Messmerā€™s Orb). So, it can be said the serpent is eating at the kindling instinctually and/or in an attempt to help snuff it out. Messmer explicitly has tried to get rid of his flame, but has not tried to get rid of the serpentā€”instead, he accepts it:
ā€œThe winged snakes were Messmer's constant companions. They were there when the base serpent was sealed away behind his eye. They were there through his eternity of suffering. They will accompany him yet, in his hideous new form born when he destroyed the grace granted by his mother. They have accepted his fate as much as he.ā€ (Messmerā€™s Helm)
Weā€™ll get back to the winged serpents in a moment, but note the timeline here: it first states the base serpent was sealed, THEN Messmer went through an eternity of suffering, THEN he removed the seal and was reborn anew. It might be hideous, but itā€™s his, not something his mother or anyone else has done to him. Thus, the serpentā€™s malevolence must have been directed at outside forces. Marika does not often directly interfere with something or someone unless it could bring personal harm to her or the Erdtreeā€”such as when she personally slew the Fell God. Yet, she plucked out her own sonā€™s eye and put in place the seal to contain the Abyssal Serpent, despite the consequences this may have for Messmer. The serpent was that much of a threat to her, hence why I believe it is the ā€œtraitor to the Erdtreeā€ that was foretold. It was not even the flame part that concerned her, but the serpentā€™s great powers of Shadow, like I explained in the last posts.
(The whole sealing ordeal has an air of ā€œIā€™m doing this for your own goodā€ which Iā€™m certain Messmer wholeheartedly believed. Being called an accursed traitor your whole life just for existing mustā€™ve sucked so, yeah, seal away. Iā€™ll go blind for you, Mother; Iā€™ll take the blame for you, Mother; Iā€™ll do anything you ask of me, Motherā€”and yet, she still didnā€™t trust him enough to not remove it one day, and left him abandoned in the Land of Shadow. If she had just loved him as he was insteadā€¦)
On the subject of the winged serpentsā€”I believe you are confusing them a bit there. The winged serpents are a separate entity from Messmer and the Abyssal Serpent. Messmer himself is a black serpent with red eyes all over its body, while the winged serpents are red with green eyes; Messmer is blind, the winged serpents are not. The winged serpents only appear white in phase 2 because they are shedding, though under the shed texture you can see they are still red.
They are called ā€œwise friendsā€ and ā€œconstant companionsā€, lending to the winged serpents being separate entities from Messmer, and this can also be seen in their design. They donā€™t grow out of him in a seamless or natural way, instead seeming as though theyā€™re impaled through him, and Messmer and the Abyssal Serpent do not share design traits with the winged serpents like they share traits with each other. The winged serpents are the natural wardens of the Abyssal Serpent, stated to ā€œkeep the base serpent at bay and hold its power in checkā€ (Winged Serpent Helm). This says to me they have been performing this task since before the seal, otherwise there would be no need for them. Consider also that for all its malevolence, the Abyssal Serpent did not cause any catastrophes in particular, else we would have heard about it. It was only prophesied to. Between the winged serpents and Messmerā€™s own compassionate self, the serpentā€™s lust for destruction was not acted upon (or was channeled to fulfill his motherā€™s wishes instead). If I may indulge Freud for a moment, Messmer was balancedā€”the Abyssal Serpent was the instinctual id, the winged serpents the logical superego, and Messmer the mediating ego between them. Something about the winged serpents being specifically ā€œwiseā€ makes me think of that, like they are Messmerā€™s personal advisors. His equals, and revered as the symbol of his army.
I say all this in efforts to explain that Messmer was whole, and will be whole again. That his serpentine nature was despised was a matter of public opinion, of what was writ in the Golden Order, of what he asked everyone to doā€”ā€œDirect thy maledictions, thine ire, and thy grief towards me aloneā€ (Messmerā€™s Set). The serpent within may be a scary and lightless and hideous monster, but he accepts that. He is what he is. When he removes the seal, the only thing that changes is that he has disappointed his mother; he is still just as lucid as he was before. He is still Messmer.
ā€œEmbrace thine oblivion, as shall I.ā€
- Froggo
P.S. I may have downplayed in this post how the Abyssal Serpent is inherently destructive and painful to Messmer, and like, brooding a hundred snakes inside him (more on that later), but what Iā€™m getting at is that this is a natural thing he was born with, while the seal was an unnatural thing that was done to him. The serpent is a disorder that does not wholly define him but is still a part of him, while the seal was an improper cure that only repressed his self. Marika often hides away that which she does not want to deal withā€”out of sight, out of mind, as they sayā€¦
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golbrocklovely Ā· 21 days ago
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Why do your save all of Colbys tweets? Do you have a specific reason? Also do you save any of Sam's tweets aswell?
years ago, when i first got into this fandom, i was bored. i had watched all of their content and just started looking thru old fan accounts and whatever else i could get my hands on. bc when i joined in 2018, by that point, snc had already existed online for 3 years. that's a lot of content i didn't see bc i just simply wasn't around. so i started looking back at what i could and searching for stuff.
that's when i went to their twitters and started reading their old tweets. bc in late 2018, when i kinda started doing this, colby would tweet out some sad stuff, or at the very least moody. so i wondered if he was always like that. so i went and started all the way back when he first started tweeting. and he definitely has always been moody lol
i think what's also interesting to remember is that snc, when they first started in 2015ish, they would post ALL the time. on every platform. they would tweet multiple times a day, they would make a post on insta, they would hourly on snapchat. and they were doing all of this to grow their careers. so there were a lot of tweets he had up that seemingly came from just tweeting out random shit to grow an audience.
and all of this became kind of important bc after snc got arrested, came back for a month, and then dipped again (bc they claimed they got scared during an exploring trip thing with elton and dangmattsmith, but in reality they most likely just a, wanted time off, b, needed time to figure out what they were gonna do next now that they couldn't really break into places anymore, and c, needed to film their snapchat series stranded) during that time off, colby deleted 100s of tweets. and before anyone gets worried, as someone who saw all of the tweets he had had up at one point, none were problematic. the shit he ended up deleting was just him being cute or emo sksks
like in 2015, he tweeted out a least once a month that he wanted to cuddle someone. he got rid of all of those, if i'm not mistaken.
i honestly just started saving his tweets bc i liked them or thought they were cute or funny. also, as if it's not obvious, i'm attracted to him and bc of that, i was more interested in his tweets.
so... unfortunately i never saved any of sam's or their duo accounts except the real early ones, i think. and then by the time i wanted to save more, sam deleted over 400 tweets. so it kinda felt pointless to save any. so i just never did.
all of this stemmed from me just being real bored and having nothing better to do lmao
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hausofmamadas Ā· 2 years ago
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so like i've joked about it before sksks but this reblog.... i coould be wrong now, but i'm fairly fucking certain this is the first reblog that is actually as long as the fic
It gives you different markers now, different structures to shape the friendship around.
Okay I am already loving the establishment of the history, the length of the relationship and then how thatā€™s changed as theyā€™ve grown older cause really it would be so hard to stay friends with someone who has maybe a bit of a Peter Pan complex only with more coke involved sjsjsjsjsjsj
Simple. There you were, there he was. Now, you have to pencil him in like any other obligation.
I cant remember exactly what you said but you actually complimented me on something like this at one point?? And you called it something academic and literary and fancy that I canā€™t remember rn bc I know nothing of nothing and you have a whole ass masterā€™s degree in the thing but like the simplicity of the language and sentence structure here makes this so much more powerful. Like Iā€™m always trying to condense what I write bc I feel like Iā€™m way too wordy and there are times where it really just s l a p s so much fucking harder to state something plainly
He isnā€™t an obligation. You try not to let him feel like one.
OHHHHHHHHH MY THIS IS JUST šŸ„ŗšŸ„ŗšŸ„ŗ BUT THEN ALSO THE CONTRADICTIINS OF LIKE THEY JUST SAID HES BECOME LIKE ANY OTHER OBLIGATION EVEN THO THEY DONT WANT HIM TO BE OR DONT WANT TO THINK OF HIM THAT WAY AT LEAST LIKE UUGH MY HEART ALREADY
ā€˜Finally,ā€™ is how he greets you, when you see him at last.
STORITTOTPPPPPPPPO MY TINY GRINCH HEART CANNOT CAAAANNOT TAKE IT, JUST HOW RAFA THIS REALLY FUCKING IS. LIKE I CAN HEAR IT SO PERFECTLY ā€œpor finā€ im crying
He doesnā€™t comment on the mess, the mismatched furniture, the dishes, the piles of books and paints across the dining table.
SKSKSKSKSKSKSKSKSJS the prospect of Rafa like crashing at your place for a visit and criticizing the furniture is so funny to me bc he wouldnā€™t bc literallt sksksks the man does not have a single leg to stand on when it comes to decor KEKW
ā€˜Dios mio,ā€™ you laugh, ā€˜you actually did it, Rafi.ā€™
OKAY ON MY LIIIIIIIIIFE, RAFI???? RAFI. MY MIND IS BROKEN. ITS THE SWEETEST NICKNAME. IDK HOW NO ONE EVER CALLED HIM THAT ON THE SHOW. I LOVE IT IDK WHY BUT I LOVE IT SO MUCH
ā€˜I thought youā€™d smoke too many of the samples and forget what you were doing, tonto.ā€™
SCREAMINSSKKS bc this is 100% what Iā€™d personally expect him to do too although he was a lot more disciplined in the beginning with that sort of shit but you know he was baked out of his gourd on the regular stillskskss
Heā€™s explained the idea enough times already, but it never sticks, it doesnā€™t connect in you, the way it does for him. Itā€™s in one ear, out the other. Heā€™s always been for it, science, statistics, experiments and the answers beneathā€¦
Just copy/pasting this entire ass paragraph who among us thinks thisā€™ll be the last I do that in this post? No one? Good you know me well sksks but I feel like this is so fucking accurate and also something thatā€™s so easy to forget in light of how he turns out by the end of the show. Like heā€™s kind of a fucking botanical whiz?? Even Neto was like, ā€œtf? This kidā€™s a genius?ā€ in the pilot ep. Like bc he succumbs to addiction, itā€™s easy to forget what an actual big deal it was, creating a new fucking cash crop essentially, so I love the focus on that from the get, es como queā€¦ a veces, Ć©l estĆ” siendo estupido pero no es estupido, si me sientes
His free hand goes into his jean pocket, retrieving the tin thatā€™s never far from his person. Itā€™s made of a rusty, scratched copper, held together with a loose elastic band.
Okay but whyyyyyttttttt does the idea of Rafa carrying a little fucking tin of bud around at all times the most correct thing in my actual life
You hum, acknowledging without really listening, and flip open his tin.
KSSKSKSKKS NO CRYYYYING BC TBIS IS EXACTLY HOW I WOULD RESPOND just like ā€œeste weyšŸ™„can I just try the shits instead of you reciting a whole Wikipedia (encyclopedia?) page about the thingā€
Rafa laughs, pinching the sound short by biting into his lip. Then he shrugs. ā€˜What? I had to. I still brought you some, didnā€™t I?ā€™
KAKSKSKS I HAD TO, OH REALLYRAFA, WAS IT A MORAL IMPERATIVE THAT YKU GET BAKED OUT OF YOUR GOURD ON YOUR OWN NEW SUPERSTRAIN OF WEEDJSKSKSJ ESO ES LO QUE TE DIJERON LOS DIOSES DE MOTA??
A purpose, he must think, direction at last. ā€˜My job,ā€™ he says proudly, ā€˜is to make sure the product is good.ā€™
suuuuuuure yes, sure go ahead and lob this brick at my fucking chest with ā€œa purpose ā€¦ a direction at lastā€ bc I swear this man does not do well with idle hands, like part of the reason for his breakdown is the fact that heā€™s literally given nothing else to fucking do. And this is where Iā€™m like, sure Miguel is smart for putting the whole thing together but being top dog means you gotta be at least a leeeeeeeeeetle bit of a ppl person. Like if heā€™d made Rafa feel like he had some kind of purpose way earlier when he started makin moves with the Colombians, shit prolllllyyy wouldnā€™t have gone quite as sideways but also tf do I know about running a cartel actually
You smile, infected by him, by the excitement glowing off of him.
STRRRRRTTTIOOOOPPP NO BC a) I KNOW THE EXACT FUCKING SMILEā€¦ itā€™s this smile
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and b) I feel like this is a quality universally acknowledged in almost every rafa fic Iā€™ve ever read that his smile is literally like the most blinding shot of earnestness and joy, you literally cannot say no to whatever pendejadas heā€™s proposing. even MarĆ­a on her worst day couldnā€™t resist it sksksksks
Scared to admit the dream aloud. ā€˜Si, es solo el comienzo, sabes?ā€™
NO OKAYSSKSSKSN I AM BANGING A GAVEL AND CALLONG EVERYONE ALL 2 OF US BC IMJUSTSOSORRY I have given this so much thought, like the essence, the thesis for Rafa is that this mf is at his core, a d r e a m e r like embedded in his identity. So like having something to aspire to, beyond the like cock solid ngl this was supposed to say rock solid but i had to let the greatest typo of all time ride sksks freebase hit of power that Miguelā€™s constantly simping after, is a fucking necessity for this man. He doesnā€™t know who he is if he doesnā€™t have some kind of dream so I love that you included that here
You put the joint between your lips and hold out a hand. ā€˜Pues,ā€™ you prompt, ā€˜give me a light. Let me see the future.ā€™
OHSSHUUUUUUTTHEFUCKINGFRONTDOOR WITH THIS SLICK ASF DIALOGUE, OH IM MAD, IM MAD MAD MAD, IM SHOOTING SPITBALLS AT YOU FROM A STRAW RN, BC THAT LINE IS SOOOSKSKSJWJWB SM LRKENE GOTDAMN INSPIRED AND I HATE YOU FOR IT (cariƱoso por supuesto)
Says something else about soil, earth, plants and lying scientists, fucking lying scientists. You blink against the dark, push the heel of your free palm into your eye sockets.
Sksssscreeching at ā€œfuckint lying scientistsā€ bc ppl legit donā€™t understand that the scientific method is a way of testing hypotheses that we DONT KNOW ARE CORRECT YET LIKE FFS YOURE TRTING TO SEE IF ITā€™S RIGHT OR WRONG so the minute a scientist gives any kind of answer tangentially resembling ā€œI donā€™t know,ā€ people start flipping tables over and screaminfksksks and Rafa is one of those ppl despite his raw intelligence. BUT THEN SKSKSKSKS THE WHOLE HEEL OF YOUR PALM INTO YOUR EYE SOCKETSSSJSJS Iā€™m both marveling at the simple yet so-vivid description of this action bc i can see it SOO clearly and also choking bc anyone whoā€™s ever dealt with a Big Sad Rafa, you know for a fucking fact theyā€™ve done this exact thing at least once literally fuckinsksksks Miguel, as much as I hate him and much of this is largely of his own making, he has rightfully done this exact thing like 20 times in the show like if I had the time, Iā€™d straight make a gif of the exact scene Iā€™m thinking of sksk
He isnā€™t there to look at, but you pretend that he is. Imagine him sitting at the end of your bed, head in his hands, tears streaking down his cheeks. If he was, youā€™d reach a hand out. Run it along the ridge of his spine and watch him decompress. Itā€™s easier to know what to say to him when you have him there, like that. Even just in your head.
Alright sksksksjjs here tf we go with the first full-ass paragraph but I literally????? do not even know what to do?? or who I am??? or where to begin?? bc likeGODDDDD okay, the sentiment of this entire paragraph is just so??? it just smacks of like Reader trying to protect themselves from their own mind by like leaning into this hypothetical scenario wherein Rafa is not full fuckint mess that they know he damn well is but THEN as if that wasnā€™t enough, you had to throw in this interesting dynamic where like they have to relate to Real Rafa by retreating into this part of their brain that they keep Ideal Rafa like all the best parts of him concentrated in one spot so they donā€™t forget the more he loses himself AND UFH SISKSKSKD ITS JUET SO FUCKING SENSIBLE AND SAD AND IM SHAKING MY FIST INTO THE SKY FULLY GET-OFF-MY-LAWN-YOU-VARMINTS, BOOMER GRANDPA
You hear a thunk in you ear like heā€™s struck the handset against the nearest wall. He has, no doubt, but it holds. The call stays connected and buzzing in your palm.
Soryajsjsjsjsj bc all im thinking about is that one part where he chucks that gold phone from the second floor and it shatters into a million pieces and liksksksksks I bet they had to have like some kind of warehouse of spare phones, aksksks maybe itā€™s at the Arellano warehouse or like some contingency built in the budget for spare phones bc Rafaā€™s decimated so many of themsksksks i imagine itā€™s a contingency budget similar to like movie sets have for props like sunglasses n shit
The Rafa on the end of your bed is pacing now, stood up and tracing lines into your floorboards. Moving helps him think, it always has, the motion forces the idea to catch and roar into life, like starting an engine.
OHHHHHHH I WWSSKSKSKS AWEAR TO FUCKING CHRIST HERSELFFDDFDDDD I COULD ACTUALLY STRANGLE YOU WITH LOVE I FULLY FUCKINT DONT EVNA GOD.
I literally had to get up and walk around for a second so I could fucking regain my composure and figure out how tf to say how this made me feel. Like the mental image of him tracing lines in the floorboard, mulling it over but that itā€™s like a fuckimxksjsjwjwjwnw visual exercise for Reader to figure out what to say, how to help him. Like thereā€™s a deep thread of longing in that but itā€™s really fucking singular in nature to their dynamic specifically bc thereā€™s an element of codependence mixed with self awareness almost??? Like the fact that they kinda need him to be okay for them to be okay and theyā€™re usually this memory palace visualization sksjsjsjssidoaospwondsjsjnwjq to make him okaā€” Look. Listen. What Iā€™m saying is just ā€¦.. ogres are like onions, okay. LAYERS BABY, LAYERRRRRRSSSSSS
You can hear it connect, weirdly, in the silence that follows. Hear the gears click, the brain turn.
NO STOPPS SKSKS I AM CHOKING BC IM JUST PICTURING HIS EXPRESSION AS FULL :WOAHDEEBY: BUT RAFAFIED and by godddkskdkkss itā€™s making me laugh so fucking hard to the point of hyperventilation, like that laugh with no sound. No sjsjsjs the more Iā€™m thinking about it the more I cannot stooooospkdk fucking laughing
He takes a breath that stills his lungs properly this time, rather than stuffing them with desperate, needed air, then says your name like youā€™re a genius. Like youā€™re him.
LIKE YOURE HIM šŸ„ŗšŸ„ŗšŸ„ŗšŸ„ŗšŸ„ŗšŸ„ŗšŸ„ŗšŸ„ŗ OH WHY MUST YOY ATTACK ME WITH SOMETHINT SO BEAUTIFUL AND TOUCHING I already need a lung transplant from the laughing at this point, why must we continue to deal this damage to my person
ā€˜Donā€™t kill yourself, tonto.ā€™ Donā€™t blow yourself to pieces for the sake of water, for the sake of Miguel and his precious sinsemilla.
HOOOOO HOO HOO GUURRRRRRR the not-so-undercover shadešŸ‘€šŸ‘€ and resentmentšŸ‘€šŸ‘€ towards Miguel that is packed into this Mf has got me so šŸ‘€ bc what does Reader know. How does Reader have his number so soon am I latching onto this thing that prob means nothing and reading too much into itā€¦. donā€™t answer thatā€¦ā€¦ probably
He laughs down the line. ā€˜Iā€™m dead either way, friend. Better I go with a bang.ā€™
GODDDD WHEN I THINK ABOUT WAHT THIS IS IN SOANISHSSISKEK ITS SO FUCKINT DEAD ON RAFA
Me chingue sea como sea, carnal. Pues mejor salir con una šŸ’„ bang.
Imjustsosoryyyysjsjsjsjd it could come right from a script for one of the episodes
You walk through his home like a guest, not a friend. You merge with the walls the way the staff does.
OH SWEET MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS HOLY THIS FUCKINTGGGGGGG KNOCKED ME ON MY ASS TF
He could find a job for you, he says. You could sit by his pool and earn money like it grows, right there, in the flowerbeds. You could live like he does, if you wanted.No, Rafi, I like whatā€™s mine. I like the quiet.
OH NO, GOOD, SO THENS THENNNNNNNNNNNNNN YOU JUST HAAAAAAAD TO GO AND ASSAULT ME WITH ā€œI like whatā€™s mine. I like the quietā€ BC THIS IS THE STICKING POINT RIGHT TF HERE, THIS IS THE REASON THE WHOLE THING IS FUCKING DOOMED and tbh, itā€™s extra fucked with double-anchovies on top bc the fact of the matter is, the quiet would actually be better for Rafa but what he wants and whatā€™s good for him literallyyyyyyy never fucking overlap. But like this was all I could think about when I was writing him, was like ā€¦. man, maybe itā€™s better to leave some things as just dreams ksksksns at least for our pobre Rafitito
You touch the fabric just to feel it. Youā€™d never owned anything this smooth, this well made.
thereā€™s always the most mundane of moments in every readerfic that make me go ā€œoh maaaaan, me too, homieā€ sksks this is that moment
Thereā€™s white under his nostrils, you havenā€™t missed that, but you havenā€™t commented on it, either. At least he smells of smoke as well. At least heā€™s balancing it out.
NOOOOOOSKSKSKSKSKS NO YOU DID NOT JUST DO THE RATIONALIZATION OF HARDCORE DRUGS WITH AT LEAST MANS IS BALANCING HIS UPPERS AND DOWNERS I AN FUCKING SIDJRJRJDJDJD I AM CHOKING, SEIZING, CANNOT BREATHE, HAVING AN ANEURYSM SKSKSK
He hasnā€™t even noticed your reaction yet. ā€˜She didnā€™t take me seriously,ā€™ he says, ā€˜last time. She made fun of my clothes.ā€™
The way my heart just grew to thrice his size just remembering our pobrecito trying to dance with Sofia literally shouting over the music, ā€œno soy un pinshe meseroā€ SKSKSK and then pouting on his way back to the table when she still wouldnā€™t give him the time of day which letā€™s be real, Sofia was fully trolling all of us including her fucking self bc mija, imjustsosorry that Rafa was wearing the fucking a dopest shirt Iā€™ve ever seen in that scene, like that one is bar none my favorite of all of his shirts on the show i truly believe Ramon was inspired by Rafa to up his shirt game, no one will fucking convince me otherwise
You let him continue. Your brain is still trying to scramble to the point where any of this makes sense.ā€˜Her father is el Secretario de Educacion.ā€™ He sighs. His hands go to his hips. ā€˜I want to impress her.ā€™A new project, you realise, thatā€™s what heā€™s found. Something he canā€™t have, something impossible. Something to solve.
SKSKSKSKSKKDLFJKSLDKJFA TRYING TO SCRAMBLE TO THE POINT WHERE ANY OF THIS MAKES SENSE IDK WHY SKKSS BUT I AM CRYING SO HARD RNsksksksks bc like for some reason this line specifically made me think of liek Readerā€™s brain is a Magic 8 Ball and theyā€™re shaking it to get some kind of answer within the realm of clarity only their Magic 8 Brain keeps coming up with those annoying, cryptic, noncommittal answers like ā€œreply hazy, try againā€ or ā€œconcentrate and ask againā€ akskskskks and the mental image in the context of like what we as viewers know whatā€™s going to happen which is a faked kidnapping attempt of this well-known politicianā€™s daughter and like the logic of that entire fucking shitshow is actually fully sending me in a way I have never been sent before. BUT THENENNNNN SKSKS as if being sent further than Iā€™ve been sent before isnā€™t enough, I literally skdfsjdkf am so goddamn WOAHDEEBY to the fucking max at ā€œA new project ā€¦ thatā€™s what heā€™s found. Something he canā€™t have, something impossibleā€ bc I have never, ever, ever considered in those exact terms but that does completely fit with my whole hc of Rafa as an interminable dreamer till his last days bc thereā€™s an element of dreams that are unattainable and like he becomes restless when he doesnā€™t have something too look forward to or reach or whatever and aasbaopsdfhaoisdjhf;a now iā€™m just fucking babbling like Iā€™ve taken too much of my ADHD medication jokeā€™s on you, I havenā€™tā€¦.this is just what straight ADHD is but like goddddd the thought put into his psyche, Iā€™m just tipping my hat off, thatā€™s what the fuck Iā€™m trying to say
Heā€™s always worn what he liked, always put himself to the world exactly as he is, no apology, no polish. Just him, wild as he came.
NOOOOSDKFJALKSJDF;LAKJSD FK;SHFASJD F;ALKSJ WHY TF AM I ACTUALLLY SALIVATING AT ā€œNO APOLOGY, NO POLISH. JUST HIM, WILD AS HE CAME.ā€ LIKE HWY IS THAT ACCIDENTALLY THE HOTTETST DESCRIPTION OF THIS CHAOTIC MF THAT Iā€™VE EVER, EVER, EVER READ IN ALL OF MY TWENTY EIGHT YEARS ON THIS FUCKING PLANET
ā€˜Is she worth all this?ā€™ You point at them lazily. ā€˜How much did this cost you, tonto?ā€™ ā€˜You sound jealous,ā€™ he says, smiling, trying to pass it off as a joke.
in every fucking friends to lovers situation, there comes that moment where my face goes to SpongeBob ā€œyou like krabby patties,ā€ and you guys, we are here skskdfjskdjfks weā€™ve arrived only BOTH RAFA AND I ARE ā€œYOU LIKE KRAAAABBY PATTIIIIEEEESSSSā€
And youā€™re jealous of Sofia, too. You wish you werenā€™t but you are. It creeps up to you, the longer you stand here, it crawls up your trouser legs, into your ears along with her name. She caught his eyes, his heart. You got the brain and everything else, but she has a part of him that he never shared with you. Never tried to.
NO. NO. EVERYONE I AMā€“ I LITERALLYā€“ I CANNOTā€“ I AM INCOHERENT FUCKING INCOHERENT, DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? MY CIRCUITS ARE FUCKINIIIIIIIINGNNSDKFJSLDJF SCRAMBLED BY THE DEEP LONGING, SORROW, RESENTMENT, HOW VISCERAL THIS IS, THE IMAGERY, Iā€™M KISSING YOU ON BOTH CHEEKS LIKE Iā€™M ITALIAN, Iā€™M PUNCHING YOU IN THE THROAT, Iā€™M THROWING THINGS, Iā€™M THAT MEME OF ALL THOSE GAJILLION SPONGEBOBS RUNNING AROUND WITH ALL THE FILE CABINETS ON FIRE, Iā€™M IN A BALL, IN THE FETAL POSITION, ON THE FLOOR, UGLY CRYING AND ASKING SOMEONE TO HELP ME SKSKKSKSK bc even though itā€™s not explicitly stated, the way this sooooooojust smacks of likeā€¦.. like heā€™s always sort of been there, available sometimes too emotionally available sksksk bc itā€™s Rafa sksks mans is a mess. Mans probably needs a wife and a mom and a teacher and a housekeeper and a camp counselor all in one for a partner to feel emotionally secure in anyway sksk Reader is like 4/5 at this point and bc heā€™s always been there, no action is taken to ever change the dynamic of the relationship despite the clear allusions to Readerā€™s desire to maybe do so and allusions to Readerā€™s very wise and responsible choice of self-preservation over a passionate love affair with a coke-addled botanic genius man-baby who reports to an even larger man-baby only that one is uptight and duplicitous asf but now that the opportunity to change the dynamic is taken away, Reader is left just like, ā€œfuck. missed my chance and like thatā€™s probably more a good than a bad thing but fuck if Iā€™m not still gonna feel butthurt about itā€
Thatā€™s how he is. Passionate. He fixates, he works, he wins. Loves with a tunnel vision that youā€™ll never understand.
GODDDDDDLKSJDKF THE WAY YOU HAVE JUST THOUGHT THIS MF THROUGH, NAILED HIM DOWN TO A T, AND IT FUCKING SHOWS IN MOMENTS LIKE THIS. Also loving the tone of likeā€¦ā€¦. Admiration? Of his steadfastness in all things? And simultaneous like lamenting that quality at the same time bc like sksksaklsdkfal we all know the shitshow that arises from Rafa just running shit into the ground with the force of a comet that only passes the Earth every 200 years or whateverlskdsk
ā€˜She wonā€™t care, Rafa. Eres guapo. Te ves rico.ā€™ And thatā€™s what they like, girls like her. Thatā€™s what matters. ā€˜You be good to her, okay? Treat her right. Sheā€™s not someone you should mess around.ā€™
I canā€™t determine if the warning here is like, ā€œRafa donā€™t be a psycho, druggie piece of shit to this poor girl who has no idea what sheā€™s getting herself into plot twist: she does and sheā€™s worse than he is ksksksksk or if itā€™s liiiiiike, ā€œplease donā€™t do anything to bring the wrath of the government upon yourself by treating this politicianā€™s daughter badlyā€ sksksk or both??? Like if itā€™s the first one, idk why that warms me to Reader like makes me think ā€œwhat a homieā€ bc I stan tf out of a character that can set their jealousy aside long enough to humanize the person whoā€™s the object of their envy and also like fuck it, all men are garbage. All non-cis-men unite, gotta have each otherā€™s backs sksksk and like if itā€™s the second one, Iā€™m screamingskskdjksjfdks bc Rafaā€™s gonna do everything that is the antithesis of careful and is absolutely going to incur the wrath of the PRI, thatā€™s literally the entire plot of the second half of S1 skskksksskks
How little it became about himself, or what he wanted. How close heā€™d stumbled to the edge without you waiting a step behind.
UGHHSHDHFLSJHDFLSKJDFKLAJ;SLKDJFA;LKJSDF;LAKJSD;FKLJ A;SLDKJF;ALSJD F;LAJSD F;LAJ WITHOUT YOU WAITING A STEP BEHIND, Iā€™M FUCKING SKDFJSLKDJFLSK SICK TO MY STOMACH, SICK AND CRYING AND ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, SENDING OUT SOS SMOKE SIGNALS BC I DO NEED MENTAL HELP AS MUCH AS DEAR RAFA
You didnā€™t ask, he didnā€™t tell, so you lived through the whispers of him. Maybe itā€™s time, you thought, maybe heā€™s outgrown you at last. Maybe this is the part where you donā€™t play catch up.
Dopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedopedope sosososososos just so fucking dope that you just continuously feel the need to pummel me in the fucking face, line by line, you were literally typing this being like, ā€œhow do I personally commit terrorisms across the Atlantic to my df, dear friend, Kay. Ohhhhhsdkfjsldkfjslkdj weā€™ll do this, just fucking torpedo of sadness after torpedo of sadness in the most poetic and touching way I can think of muhahahahhahahahahā€ donā€™t even try to deny it I already checked my secret cameras, and I have the receipts, transcripts, all on tape of you talking out loud, planning this brutal personal attack on me and like if I wasnā€™t presently undead, Iā€™d be giving you a round of applause bc your plan worked perfectly
Snipped ties worse than you had, ones with actual weight. Purpose. Structure that couldnā€™t afford to be pulled from under him.
slides glasses down bridge of nose and smiles diabolically oh??????? Gorl????? Dramatic irony? is that you I see hiding behind that bush?????? waiting to ambush me as I mind my own fucking business as if Iā€™ve ever minded my own business on my morning walk???? as if Iā€™ve ever taken a morning walksksk itā€™s fine well, too bad bitch, cause I spotted your sneaky ass before you got the chance to ruin me lies, Iā€™m still ruined bc the fact that Reader understands to some degree their importance to Rafa but at the same time discredit the structure they, themself(?) themselves(?) have been providing throughout their entire friendship but ranks that structure as having lesser value when itā€™s almost like ā€¦ if theyā€™d stuck around or been involved in the business directly, so they were more tied to him on a day-to-day basis, would their influence have maybe changed the outcome bc they did provide structure? Who can say. Im sure this makes absolutely negative amounts of sense but I just thought it was intriiiiiiguing
So now he was off the coke, too. Cold turkey and rotting from it.
GOOOOODDDDDDDD THE JUST FULLY JUGGERNAUT ME BETWEEN THE EYES AND KNOCK ME ON MY ASS WHY DONT YOU. LIKE I READ THIS SHIT AND IMMEDIATELY WANTED TO START WRITING MYSELF, SO INSPIRED SDSFSLKDFJLS SHIT SLAPT!!!!! and likiiiiiike we donā€™t need to get into it, I will just say from my hoodrat days, that is a ROUGH fucking comedownskksksksk
Theyā€™ve shut him in like a beast, oiled mahogany set firmly between them and him, him and you.
ASDLKJFA;LSDJF AOKAAYY AGAIN FUCKING JUST SLAMMING ME LEFT AND RIGHT, Iā€™M LIKE NOT EVEN A WHOLE PERSON ANYMORE AT THIS POINT??????A?SD?FA?SD?FA ā€œtheyā€™ve shut him in like a beastā€ like the whole lore of the Wolf Man could be altogether one giant allegory for detox because like low-key thatā€™s what it looks and feels like. It is messy, it is violent, it is agonizing to endure and/or watch and something about the way youā€™ve put that with the imagery of what the room looks like, just gave me such fucking Wolf Man vibes, gave me actual fucking goosebumps te lo juro
Itā€™s a den, a cage. Distress thatā€™s been played out and abandoned afterwards.
AND WOLFMAN VIIIIIBES PERSIST ALONG WITH THE CONTINUED, CEASELESS, PERSISTENT DAMAGE THAT KEEP DEALING TO ME LIKE THE MOST VINDICTIVE DUNGEON MASTER LIKE DAMN, Iā€™M AT NEGATIVE HIT POINTS, CANā€™T KEEP FUCKING DOIN THIS SHIT DO YOU UNDERSTAANLDFJALKSDJFA;LKJSDF;ALK
ā€¦more of a wet room than the stylised bathroom it was designed to be. Like walking into the overused swamp of a public swimming pool.
Oh MAAAANANNNN this is such a fucking doozy of a description, like itā€™s so tangible, Iā€™m fucking there, Iā€™m there and my hair is frizzy and Iā€™m annoyed and iā€™m also applauding the skill skskksksk
ā€˜Itā€™s me,ā€™ you say, louder now. His head lifts weakly. ā€˜Sofia?ā€™ No, not her, only you.
OH GOOD GOTDAAAAMNNNNFNSKLDFJS DUDE NO EVERYONE, EVERYONE SIT TF DOWN AND SHUT TF UP BC THIS IS LIKE????????? I DONā€™T???????? EVEN KNOW HOW ALSDKFJALSKDJF;ALJ OHOW TO ADEQUATELY EXPRESS THE WAY THIS MADE ME FEELL?????????????????????? Like ā€¦. Thereā€™s something like a declaration, the way Reader says, ā€œno, not her, only you.ā€ Like I depending on how you read it, it could be like sadness, lamentation, feelings of inadequacy which would totally make sense to me, but for some reason, the way I read it was like, ā€œno, not her, only youā€ as in ā€œyeah, me. The one whoā€™s been here for you every time youā€™ve needed it, while the rest of the world was spinning, iwas the only one still and waiting, and now youā€™re here and so am iā€ and idk if thatā€™s even the most accurate interpretation of that but GOOOODDAAAAAMMMMMMMMNNNNN WHEN I SAY I CLUTCHED MY CHEST AND KEELED OVER LIKE SOMEONE IN ONE OF THOSE LIFE ALERT COMMERCIALS
You donā€™t know enough about withdrawals to know if itā€™s normal. If heā€™s supposed to look like this, if itā€™s part of the process. You donā€™t know if itā€™s even the drugs at all, but you know him, and you know this is bad for him. Lights off in the fucking dark.
Okay first off, ā€œlights off in the fucking dark,ā€ :lebrontear: bc jfc the way I felt this straight to the core of my soul and secondlyā€¦ā€¦ with how much cocaine Rafa was doing especially the coke in the 80s which was usually more pure, cut with less nonsense, so a lot stronger this isā€¦.p normal skdkskksksk
What if this is him now? What if this is what happened while you were away, and itā€™s set too deep to be undone?
What if this is me now ā€¦ a disassmbled pile of bones, like I was one of those lego people and someone just pulled me apart and left me in tiny pieces on the floor just waiting for some unsuspecting adult to step on me, causing shooting pain into their foot like theyā€™ve just stepped on actual shards of glass bc you apparently decided you just had to fucking disassemble? Idk what I did to make you hurt me so but Iā€™m literally worse off than Rafa at this point so great, hope youā€™re happy
ā€˜I miss you,ā€™ he says, in the same way. Desperate, quick, like heā€™s only got a few words left to give. ā€˜You know that, right? I miss you, too.ā€™
LITEREALLLLYYYYFSLDKFJA;LSDKJF;ALKSDJF;LAKJSDF;LAKJSD;FLKJA;SLDIJF ATHIS HAS TO FUCKING STOP, THIS IS BECOMING A FUCKING WAR CRIME AT THIS POINT, A VIOLATION OF THE UNITED NATIONSā€™ STANDARDS OF VIRTUAL ENGAGEMENT WITH FOREIGN COUNTRIES that sounds even less real than I thought it wouldsks
Pounding on your door and peppering the button until the bell canā€™t complete a full ring anymore. It just spits out one shrill note, over and over.
Okyaskfjalskdjfa;lskjd;flajsd; okayokayokay bc hereā€™s that time where I whip out my detective notepad and tiny glasses and begin feverishly jotting down notes skskskks bc Iā€™m internally I guess itā€™s not so internal given this is going on the inter webs for my -3 followers to see FUCKING SHRIEKING AT THE LITERARY GENIUS THAT I MUST SOMEHOW FIND A WAY TO ABSORB THROUGH OSMOSIS AND HARNESS FOR MYSELF TO LEVEL UP MY OWN SHIT SKSKSKSKSKKSKS and Iā€™m gonna call this specific Skill You Have, ā€œNaming and/or Describing Stuff That Iā€™ve Seen/Heard A Million Times irl In the Most Unique and Poetic Way Possibleā€ like the doorbell, if you asked me to sit down and fucking describe what that sounds like, I would literally just be
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BUT HTENSKDFJSKDFJ THEN READ THIS, itā€™s one of those moments where Iā€™m like ā€œoh thatā€™s so spot-on, how could I not summon those words, thatā€™s so fucking cleverā€
Rushed to your door with an urgency you canā€™t grasp onto yet; it slips through your fingers, like him, like what you had. Scatters in the hallway like dropped ball-bearings. You canā€™t catch him like you used to.
throws chair violently like that one Jon Bernthal Punisher gif thatā€™s it. Iā€™m fucking done. Iā€™m done????? Do you understand???? Iā€™m done. I will not continue to SIT IDLY BY WHILE YOU CONTINUE TO ABUSE ME THIS WAY, ESTA NO ES LA FORMA DE TRATARA UNA CAMARADA, OKEYYYYYYYYY???
ā€˜Have you actually stopped to think? I have a job, Rafa, a life. Iā€™m not involved in your,ā€™ your search for the word, the title of all his erratic decisions: adventures, war, ā€˜bullshit.ā€™ Yeah, that fits.
Skskskkskskskks i have no idea why, maybe bc Reader has fucking HAD it and itā€™s so sarcastic and fucking over-this-shit, but I did start reading the end of this in Spanishsksksksk ā€œAventuras, guerra, ā€˜pendejadas.ā€™ Aye, se queda bienā€
ā€˜Have you planned any part of this, or did you do too much coke and come here on a whim?ā€™ you ask evenly. Youā€™re not judging him, but you have to know. Fear or drugs. Itā€™s one of the two. You stare at him afterwards, waiting for an answer.
FEAR OR DRUGSSDKFSLDKJFLSKJDF WHY DID THAT MAKE ME m CACKLE SO HARRDDD ITā€™S LIKE NOT THAT FUNNY BUT IT IS BC LIKE MY FIRST THOUGHT WAS ā€œpor que no los dos??ā€
ā€˜Well, yeah. Itā€™s all paid for, carnale.ā€™ You scoff. ā€˜You only have to get on the plane.ā€™
NASODFA;SDLKFJA;SKJDF NO I AMMMASDFKAL HAVING A FUCKING ANEURYSM LAUGHING SO HARD SKDFJSLDKFJ AT ATHIS ;DFJGUCKING SHIT. LIKE RAFA. RAFAAAAAA. AMORCITO, CHIQUITO. THE COST OF THE PLANE TICKETS AND THE OBSCENELY EXTRAVAGANT RESORT YOUā€™RE STAYING AT IS SO FAR FROM TEH FUCKING POINT Iā€™M SHOCKED THAT YOU EVEN MADE IT TO THE HOUSE WITH A SHIRT ON BC CLEARLY YOUR MENTAL FACULTIES ARE SO BACK ASSWARDS BUT ALSO LIKE SKSJDKSJKSKA THIS IS COREECT LIKE HE WAS THIS ABSURD
ā€˜She wants to come with me,ā€™ he answers. ā€˜And I want you to come too, once itā€™s safe.ā€™
Rafa trying to make his throuple dreams come true, only Iā€™m pretty sure once Reader and Sofia arrive on the island, only one of them is leaving the island bc homicide has occurred bc they are so beyond opposites, they couldnā€™t last more than a week without one murdering the other sksksk
But what are you even agreeing to? What does he need you for, when heā€™d have Sofia with him already? Why would you go if he was going toā€” ā€˜You arenā€™t coming back, are you?ā€™
CUE ME SKDJFLSJK WOAHDEEBY RIGHT ALONG WITH READER, LIKE OFC SKSKSKKS HEā€™S TRYING TO PACK ALL HIS FAVORITE TOYS IN HIS SUITCASE CAUSE HE RAELLY IS NEVER COMING BACK
One final time, you could show out for him just one final time, and then put it to bed. No more friendship, no more relying on you to pile up the bricks again. If he canā€™t come home afterwards, then you will, alone, and heā€™ll be free to take on the world. All by himself. Just as he wanted to.
Sorry sddlfja;sdkjf;a bc no, I just have to make this shit about me always, at all times, everywhere, this. shit. This reminds me so much of the Rafa/MarĆ­a thingy I did, like clean slate, getting to take on the world, except itā€™s fucked bc heā€™s not sober. Like yeah, my Rafa was cracked in the head bc heā€™d been cracked in the head a great many times sdkksjdfklsdj but your Rafa, this Rafa, is spun tf out on coke, desperate, and running for his life sldkfjsklj like the hope at the end of my story isnā€™t here, and itā€™s making my stomach AND MY CHEST HURT BC I KNOW THIS IS ALL GOING TO END IN A BALL OF FLAMES
A laugh you donā€™t like twitches out of him; he isnā€™t taking it seriously. He doesnā€™t realise how easy it is to fall yet, how close he is to the sun.
FUUUUCKKSJFDSLFKJSL describing his laugh as TWITCHING OUT OF HIM is like so on-point for a tweaker like Rafa, I can see it and itā€™s making me cringe and Iā€™m also scribbling in my detectiveā€™s notepad and crying to myself, and swearing bc the tears keep smearing the ink and I keep having to scratch out the diligent notes Iā€™m trying to take on the art of writing that youā€™re teaching me
Heā€™s never been nobody anywhere. Even before all this shit.
SKDFJAL;SDKJF;ASDKJF;A NO BC JUST THE MOST POETIC FUCKING WAY TO SAY ā€œHEā€™S A HAM AND A HALFā€
ā€˜And then Iā€™ll come home,ā€™ you add. Heā€™s already talking like heā€™s forgotten, like he thinks youā€™ll follow him across the globe, one step behind as always.
GODDD heā€™s like willfully not hearing Reader bc he canā€™t conceive of the notion of like them not being there, or him getting caught, or both, is like the most heartbreaking thing and the way Reader has to gently remind him, ā€œand then Iā€™ll come home,ā€ LIKE HES A LITTLE FUCKSINGSKDJFSKSJ KID
It wouldā€™ve made things worse for her, tagged her into the downfall alongside him, so itā€™s good that she avoided it. She stands a better chance of a future having done it.
Once again, the fact that Reader is like not blaming Sofia and like sees where sheā€™s coming from is so fucking well-adjusted but also complicated and layered and Iā€™m just really living for that dynamic even though I sincerelyfuckingdoubt Sofia would be so understanding if the tables were turned aksjfsk but thatā€™s just bc sheā€™s an literal actual child. Like 20 years old is still young-dumb-stupid, lbr
It was all anger. Hurt. Liquid regret pouring through the handset.
LIQUID REGRET POURING THROUGH THE HANDSETS;JAF;LSDJIF;ALSDJF;OFIJQWE;OFIJAOSDIJFA;SDKJFNA;OSDIJF;AOSIJDF; I HATE YOU, I HATE, HATE, HATE YOU. SO SKILLFUL, FLOWS BEAUTIFULLY. AND IT FUCKING R H Y M ES ????? BC YOU WERENā€™T FLEXING ENOUGH ALREADY???? Iā€™M PACING OKAY, I CANā€™T BREATHE
It wasnā€™t the plan to come in like this was any other, normal reunion, like youā€™re seeing him after an impromptu vacation. The plan, was to be a friend to yourself, for once.
GODDDD;AKJ THE LITERAL FUCKING DREAD YOU HAVE BUILT INTO THIS BUT ALSO AT THE SAME TIME GOT ME FULL FUCKING CLIMBING TO THE TOP OF A STREET LAMP, LIKE AN OVERLY ENTHUSIASTIC SPORTS FAN, RIOTING AND TEARING DOWN MY OWN CITY, SWINGING MY FUCKING T-SHIRT AROUND, CHEERING READER ON BC ā€œTHE PLAN WAS TO BE A FRIEND TO YOURSELF FOR ONCEā€ IS LIKE THE FUCKIGNSODFIJSDLDFKJ MOVE LIKE GORL RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND NEVER LOOK BACK IN NO WAY AM I SEEING PARALLELS BETWEEN THIS AND MY RECENT DIVORCE AND SOBBING ON MY KEYBOARD, AND SHORT-CIRCUITING MY LAPTOP AS I READ THIS, NOOOOOPOPEEEEEE NOOOOOOT DOING IT
ā€˜Iā€™ve been going fucking crazy in here,ā€™ he says, ā€˜not even Neto wants to talk to me.ā€™ ā€˜Netoā€™s here too?ā€™ Youā€™ve met him before, of course. He isnā€™t a character you can forget easily.
SKLFSKSKSK now I know why you chose that gif. From ā€œno salta el DIIIIISCO WEY!ā€ to ā€œes basura, he hates meā€ in 60 seconds. This also reminds me of that one scene in S2 when Miguel goes to visit Neta to ask for advice yā€™know as tho he didnā€™t complete blast Neto in the ass with a sandpaper dildo aka entirely responsible for him being there in the first place and Neta, in no uncertain terms tells him to get fucked but then also says something about how, if Miguel ever ends up in there, heā€™d let ā€œestas pinshes marranas puercas como Rafaā€ cut him to pieces or something sdkjfsk
Honestly, youā€™d hoped you would at least have some glass between, you were counting on it, even. Something for his reaction to bounce off.
SWEEEEEET FUCKS THIS DIDNā€™T EVEN OCCUR TO ME IN THE SLIGHTEST BUT OFC YOUā€™D BE EXPECTING GLASS. ITā€™S IN ALL THE MOVIES, THE GLASS AND THE PHONE BUT NOW HEā€™S SO MUCH CLOSER, LIKE HAVING TO EXTRACT THEMSELF FROM HIM LIKE P H Y S I CALLY, EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY ASLDFJA;SLJFA;LSDJF;ALSJK FI ASTQA=WE0RUQ=EI Iā€™M DONE. Iā€™M FUCKING DONE. I CANā€™T MAKE IT TO THE END
Heā€™s been souring since heā€™d swapped you for Miguel, himself for the business. Been gone before youā€™d even realised. Youā€™ve spent all this time trying to stitch him back together, keep the body whole, keep the motor running, and he was already a ghost. Gone through the fucking cracks. You were just too sentimental to see it, too loyal to the kid youā€™d met at the end of the street.
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Iā€™m likeā€“ liek?????? I donā€™t know what to say????? rn??? Iā€™m like, likeā€¦. See I canā€™t even fucking worsdkfsjldfjslkdfjslkdfj ;sdasdflkajsdl;fkja;sldfkja;lsdfja;io sfhjpiquwoehf like I really canā€™t. Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike I cannot actually asummon the cognitive power to a fasfeormea sslkdfj la;sjf rform a real actualfucking sentence bc like????? I think you broke my brain????? And all cognitive functioning has ceased entirely??? donā€™t even have the capacity to caps or key smash bc Iā€™m like real-life shell shocked and catatonic, staring off into a void I will never know or understand and Iā€™m pretty sure I will never write a single, solitary thing again bc what is the point when itā€™s already been said in these few lines
ā€˜For who?ā€™ he asks. ā€˜I need you in here, Iā€™ll go crazy, Iā€™llā€”ā€™ ā€˜For me, Rafa.ā€™ Thatā€™s the point, the whole point, and still he doesnā€™t get it. ā€˜Itā€™s better for me, and I have to do it.ā€™ And he has to let you. He said he wouldnā€™t ask again, wouldnā€™t expect you to follow him everywhere he went. Just because heā€™s stuck in one place now, doest mean you have to be too. One of you deserves a win, right? You wonā€™t serve time on his behalf.
HOOOOOOKAAAAY IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSKJEKLJKRLWEJSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMMMMMMMMMMM,,,,,,,MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMHMMMMMMMHH you wonā€™t serve time on his behalf. YOU WONā€™T SERVE TIME ON HIS BEHALF. šŸ‘šŸ½YOUšŸ‘šŸ½WONā€™TšŸ‘šŸ½SERVE~~šŸ‘šŸ½GOTDAMNšŸ‘šŸ½TIMEšŸ‘šŸ½ONšŸ‘šŸ½HISšŸ‘šŸ½BEHALFšŸ‘šŸ½
You donā€™t, and if this is how he wants to be, then fine, conversation over. Cloth cut from the body at last ā€¦Youā€™ve found your track, now itā€™s time to run it, right to the end. Just like he would.
ALRIGHT. COOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLL. ā€¦ I FEEL SO GOOD NOW ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦. YEAH FUCKING INCREDIBLE, TOP OF THE WORLD ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ THAT DIDNā€™T HURT AT ALL ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ SO EXCITED THAT YOU DID ALL THESE TERRORISMS TO ME ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ā€¦ NOT AT ALL FEELING
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five and one
rafa x gn!reader, 7598 words, canon typical drug use, hurt/comfort/angst, no happy ending(!!!)
the five times you were his friend, and the one time you werenā€™tĀ 
a/n: this has been in my docs waiting to be finished for sososo long omg finally the rafito despair is here. enjoy!
taglist: @ashlingiswritingā€‹ @drabbles-mcā€‹ @cositapreciosaā€‹ @hausofmamadasā€‹ @cherixrosaā€‹ @purplesong1028ā€‹ @mandaloria314ā€‹ @dashavauā€‹ @yeetintomadnessĀ @thesandbeneathmytoesā€‹ (as per i have forgotten who wants tagging and who doesnt sorry!)
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1
Rafaā€™s been asking you for weeks. Come smoke, carnale, come on. I have something to show you.
Soon, you told him. Iā€™m busy with school, work, I have to pick my Abuela up from churchā€”Iā€™m the only one who can drive her, remember?
They werenā€™t made up excuses, even if he thought they mightā€™ve been. You didnā€™t like it either, having no time for him, but itā€™s how it went. How it is. He dropped out of school, never made it to college. You did. It gives you different markers now, different structures to shape the friendship around. When you were classmates it was easy, natural: before class, in class, after class. Simple. There you were, there he was. Now, you have to pencil him in like any other obligation.
He isnā€™t an obligation. You try not to let him feel like one.
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jokerownsmysoul Ā· 4 years ago
Note
Hi love ! šŸ’• 11; 13; 15; 20; 31; 36 for the ask game pleaaase ?
11. are you listening to music right now? No, but now that you asked I want to! šŸ˜‚
13. how do you feel right now? Pretty good Iā€™d say! Iā€™m always happy at night when everyone is asleep and Iā€™m the only one who's awake in the house, Iā€™m a night owl šŸ‘€
20. what is your favourite song at the moment? Desire / Passion by Borrtex. These two are my favorite! šŸ’• Iā€™m listening to them every day 24/7 especially while writing, they are so inspiring šŸ’™
31. 3 random facts
1. I was doing a drawing of Arthurā€™s body earlier, itā€™s one of the most eye-catching and bewitching things Iā€™ve ever seen. I could look at it all my life and I would always find new details that deserve to be drawn
2. My dog just asked me to cuddle her, she's a night owl like me sksk
3. I am editing a fic that it's been in my drafts for months and I have always been embarrassed to post it, but Iā€™m braver now. The best that can happen is that no one reads it, so I want to give it a try šŸ‘€
36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?
1. Overcoming my insecurities and becoming freer, especially from myself lmao, never stop improving myself.
2. Becoming a psychotherapist specializing in art therapy.
3. Visiting Scotland and Norway, my dream šŸ˜­
15. personality description Omg??? *forgets who she is* I am terrible at describing myself lmao I usually either say too much or nothing. What emerges most of my personality above all I think is my shyness. Iā€™m very, very shy and introverted omg I blush almost for everything and Iā€™m not very good at opening up to people right away. Iā€™m a person who doesnā€™t talk much, and Iā€™ve always turned what I donā€™t say out loud into ink on paper, I talk to the world by writing. But if people make me feel comfortable then after some time (after a looong time lmao) the wall that my shyness and insecurities build around me is lowered. It is very difficult to lower this wall, but once it happened I become a funny person (at least I hope so) who has a great sense of humor and a infectious laugh, Iā€™m also very clingy lmao I love showing affection to people I love in any way I can all the time once Iā€™m comfortable with them, whether is human touch, hugs, or little generous gestures. Some people have told me in the past that maybe I love too much but I always thought that loving is never too much, actually the more you love the more the world is a beautiful place, and above all, people love to be loved and it can only make them happy. This can be only a value and I would never stop to do so. Iā€™m also a dreamer and a hopeless romantic, always with my head in the clouds and distracted. I get emotional and overwhelmed very easily and I cry for everything, sometimes I think I feel too much and this can be veri tiring, Iā€™m still trying to see this quality of mine only as a value and not as a flaw. I always try to be as kind and a good person as possible, hate is not something that belong to me, I just want to help others and I want to do so in any way I can, thatā€™s why Iā€™m studying psychology and I hope to succeed in the future so I can help people. People have to help each other, no one should feel pain and wickedness on their own skin. I guess thereā€™s nothing more to say, Iā€™ve already said too much lmaoo Iā€™m chatty
Thank you for asking darling! šŸŒŗ I'm sorry it took so long šŸ˜‚
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wondercookieunicorn Ā· 5 years ago
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Okay, so, the tea on my pets is that they get along great! They usually leave each other alone, but sometimes they snuggle with each other. They do get jealous quickly tho, like when one of them is cuddling with us the other will just get in their way and demand attention XD no but really they are sweethearts. (and i forgot to say we have fishies too i love our fishies although we have like 30+ babies) and cursing is okay! I tend to curse a lot too so im fine with others doing the same - šŸŒ±šŸ’š
1/? Yayy~ whoaa that sounds like a lot of work! 12 buckets!! (do you like storms btw? i think they're very calming) and my day was good! work was not so busy and im relaxing now by listening to my sleeping playlist. I get that you're tired! the mission has no rush, you can do it whenever you feel like it ^^ also what would you think of it if i did the mission too and submitted it to you? if that's possible at least... anyway, i'll be going to sleep soon as well so it's okey! - šŸŒ±šŸ’š Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā Ā 
2/? and thank you for letting me know! I'll miss talking to you tho :( and despite wanting to ditch the party i hope you'll enjoy it at least a little ^^ asdkjsdjf i only heard the stories of yuta showing the phone nr but man what a happening XD dude felt so awful about it. butu my top 5 idols are Doyoung (nct), Kun (nct), Han Jisung (Stray Kids), Seonghwa (ateez), Lay (exo). I stan and know more groups than just these 4 but that list is looong. just wait n see if i'll gush more about him -šŸŒ±šŸ’š Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā Ā 
3/? n ofc you can always ask me about doie i love showing my appreciation for him XD and yuta really gotta cAlm down!!!! yo i honest to god nearly screeched when i saw his hair tied up in a braid it's just too g o o d. and you would honestly be willing to watch hunt for the wilderpeople so we can talk about it? really?? and beauty and the beast is such a great movie i watched it so much throughout my childhood. -šŸŒ±šŸ’š Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā Ā 
4/? and i dont know Identity, but i might just check it out^^ (unless it turns out to be too scary for me in that case im sorry) i dont do well with scary things. i mean, yeah i watch buzzfeed unsolved but at what cost... once i played this horror game with my friends for a school project and i had nightmares about it,,, i barely ever dream and nightmares are even rarer to me so that was quite something. but sometimes the scariness and plot is just too intruiging not to watch, i feel that;; šŸŒ±šŸ’š Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā Ā 
5/5 I hope you're having a good evening and i hope you sleep well tonight! Thank you and I love you too!!
Aww sksk, I love my cats with my whole entire heart but sometimes I wish I wouldĀ“ve had a dog as well. Dogs are so cute and itĀ“s so nice that yours gets along with your cat! Our neighbors had a dos and my cat almost attempted to ripp him apart once,,,,,, we decided right then and there that we shoudlnĀ“t get a dog skkjdjs
I love rain and have nothing against wind but as soon as thunder hits, IĀ“m gone. My ears are hella sensitive and I hate loud sounds, so Thunder storms are a no. Thunder-free Storms are rather calming, I agree on that ^^
Glad you had a fine day, and imma say it here again just in case; IĀ“d love it if youĀ“d do the mission and submit it sksksk, please do so!! I didnĀ“t know it was an option but,,,yes please! ā™” ā™” ā™”Ā 
Imma try my very best to enjoy it but IĀ“m already annoyed lmao. IĀ“m not ready for my FriendĀ“s dumbass Fuckboy friends and all the shame IĀ“ll have for witnessing them while theyĀ“re trying to get into my best friends pants sksks. There will be shit tons of alcohol tho so IĀ“m kinda trying to hope for the best. DonĀ“t worry Hun, I might drop random notes deticated to you. Oh sksks I usually do that in a gc with two of my friends but if u wanna i can post textposts and tell you whatĀ“s happening! So we can cringe together sksksksk, lemme know your thoughts on that!! xDā™”
Aww, I have shit tons of songs from both, Nct n Stray Kids, but I donĀ“t actually know them that well. Iz kinda sad. Did you watch Mafia dance from stray kids?? Search it on yt its super funny, Nct dream got one too! I just remembered that idk why lol I do know Exo tho sksk even tho I havenĀ“t really been following them since.......... a lil too long lmaoskksdk anyway
I also stan like 9291 groups too many for my well being, but izzoke ^^;;;;
YES YeS, If itĀ“s your fav movie I gotta know!!! IĀ“m ready to suck in all the tea sksksk ā™” ā™”Ā 
Disney in general, but mostly beauty and the beast got me trough my entire childhood ngl. They just had that sparkle to them that I need sksk ā™”Ā  Im not that intriqued by all those new movies tho, what is happening honestly
About Identity,,,, ngl I was shaking trough the first half sksks itĀ“s kinda full with creepy shit?? But like,, you just have to watch until the very end becuz then it all makes sense. i dont know how much scary you can handle so idk,,,, watch it with a friend mayybe sssjsj ā™” ā™” ā™”Ā 
I once played one of those visual novel things. I donĀ“t remember what it was not doki doki lmao, tho I did play that too and it was covered up in all candy n love n unicorns and stuff and- it turned out to be horror skksk It was so scary but sO good becuz it completely left the love genre and entered the scary, thriling genre and sksks thatĀ“s my fav cup of juice sksk
Well, as expected I fell asleep almost immediately. Also, I dream a lOt, I have dreams like at leAst every second night and todayĀ“s dream was just the result of my zillion crackheaded braincells I- skskdk
anyway, I hope you slept well and I hope that youĀ“re having a nice day!!!
Da cupcake says: Love you ā™” ā™”
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