#(she is! I caught several references in the first couple of chapters so I googled it and she said that she is several times)

[bonaesperanza]

There's no plot beat more unsatisfying than a protagonist who is trying to escape the Cool Adventurous Setting for some reason. I get that it's sometimes realistic for them to do that but it's really difficult to root for someone or get emotionally invested in their success when their main goal is to get away from all the stuff you find interesting to watch/read about.

You get about the same frustrated feeling like when you're at a party and hitting it off with a person but the friend you're with is whining about wanting to go home.

[ka-writes]

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Notes: I had already started on the second chapter before I posted the first one, so don’t expect updates every day... I also had to do a lot of googling for this chapter.

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Chapter 1 in case you missed it:

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Inspired by:

Humans are Space Velociraptors

By:FreshRoses_InMyGarden_NeedTheRain

Some kids come from storks, others come from crashed spaceships

By: mmmajora

Home Again, Home Again

By: teeth_eater

All works can be found on Ao3

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Warnings: Cussing, needles, character conflicts, intentional poisoning, poisoning, Jaws reference

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“Humans are [and text here]”

Chapter 2: What is this, an interview?

Tommy was now restrained to a chair six feet away from the weird scientist alien. He had a dark brown lab coat with a fuzzy yellow sweater underneath, matched with black pants and black leather boots. His gold rimmed Harry Potter glasses slipped down his nose bridge a bit before he pushed it up and shuffled through papers. He wore a red beanie with a big whiff of his curly chocolate hair. His skin was a weird translucent grayish color with blue speckles decorating it. He had deep brown eyes with an odd electric blue circle outlining the pupil.

His tongue licked his finger as he turned the page. This was a habit that most of the weird teachers and counselors did. It always annoyed Tommy. This time fear was also mixed into that annoyance. His saliva was tinted blue and he had sharp teeth which immediately reminded him of a shark.

“You have shark teeth.” Tommy stated absentmindedly. Clearly, this caught the scientist alien off guard.

“I have what?” The alien asked, confused.

“Shark teeth.. ya know like the weird fish creatures that eat people.” Tommy started rambling causing the shark-alien to become even more confused and slightly alarmed. “I mean I think they eat people. That’s what the shark movie showed… what was its name, Jaws I think? I dunno, my foster mom freaked out in the middle of it and we went home. That lady was weird.. She made us wear itchy clothes and take weird photos before she sent me back to the group home.”

“What?..” The shark-alien asked. Tommy jumped a bit. He forgot he was rambling to a stranger. Alien stranger at that.

“Doesn’t matter.. What's the first question bitch-boy?” Tommy liked the way the alien jumped at the randomly timed insults.

“Er- right.. First off, what’s your name?” The shark-alien asked after collecting himself.

“Tommy Innit. Yours bitch-boy?” Tommy replied.

“Wilbur Soot. Stop calling me bitch-boy!” Wilbur huffed.

“Next question, bitch-boy!” Tommy emphasized the name, getting an even angrier expression in return. Wilbur’s weird blue circle flashed red for a second which caught Tommy off guard.

Wilbur took a shaky breath before asking the next question. “How old are you?”

“Old enough! I am a big man!” Tommy stated. Yet another thing that pissed him off.

“Age?” Wilbur asked, clearly irritated.

“18.” Wilbur raised a brow, “14.” Tommy huffed. His age should only be his business not some alien-bitch who didn’t even have his file.

“If you keep lying, I may have to get the truth serum from the back.” Wilbur half-heartedly threatened. Tommy, the big man that he is, did not get scared at that statement, only slightly unsettled which clearly showed on his face.

“Now, do you have a family?” Tommy tensed at the question. It was a touchy question and was not one that was asked often especially with his reputation.

“I am a big man. I don’t need a family to be great.” Tommy stated, happy with the answer. The alien-bitch shifted awkwardly.

“Right… What is your diet?”

“Umm.. I dunno, whatever I can find. I am allergic to nuts though..” Wilbur nodded in understanding and wrote things down in his notepad.

“What plants are poisonous to you?” Wilbur asked without looking up from his notes.

“Ermm, poison Ivy, poison oak… uh I think parts of rhubarb, and most wild berries. I am not sure other than that.” Wilbur nodded while adding bits to his notes.

“What was the place you lived like?” This time Wilbur glanced up to look at Tommy. This was again another touchy subject… How many times would this alien bitch get into the sad background?

“Shitty.” Tommy snapped. That was the only response the bitch was gonna get.

“Right.. Do you have music on Earth?”

Tommy scoffed, “Of course we have music, dumbass!”

“Can you tell me about the animals there?” Wilbur asked, almost hopeful.. which was weird. What was he hoping for?

“Erm I guess..” Tommy mumbled, trying to figure out where to start, “There’s a bunch of animals. Mainly on land. My favorite would be the cow.”

“What’s that?” Curiosity stained Wilbur’s face. This got Tommy excited; he was practically beaming as he started talking.

“Well they are these big ruminants that make milk and have horns. There are a bunch of types too like the highland cow, which obviously is the most poggers one. They are a Scottish breed with really long hair. I met one once, on a field trip his name was Henry.” Tommy rambled on for the next two and a half hours, jumping from topic to topic and explaining anything that wasn’t personal. He usually ended those paths with short insults.

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Wilbur hated to stop the kids' detailed story, but two and a half celestial hours had already passed, and Dream would be coming to check soon. Luckily, he had a couple new poisons that could pass off as a research development. He had even managed to send the distressed signal and no doubt Phil would already be there with the SBI craft ready to fly at any given moment.

“Alright Tommy.” His voice dropped to a serious tone causing the kid to stop his story of how he got poisoned by mushrooms on a camping trip. “You’re gonna have to trust me just for a bit. I am going to get you off the ship at the next stop but in the meantime I need you to tell me how allergic you’re to nuts.” The kid immediately tensed at the question.

“I am mainly allergic to tree nuts.. almonds being the worst. After a few minutes I can’t breathe properly and I usually pass out. The doctor said if I don’t get it treated within 15 minutes, death is most likely.” He took a moment to go through the information. The kid most likely has an anaphylaxis reaction to tree nuts. Meaning either he would have to know the exact time of landing and exactly where Phil was or he needed another poison that was less severe.

“Alright, here is what we’re gonna do. I have a chemical mixture that is similar to that of rattlesnake venom. I also have a chemical substance that numbs any pain you may feel. Side effects would include being very very tired and delirious over the next few days. Along with being knocked out for a good ten hours. To put it simply I am gonna fake poison you, in order to get you off the ship. It’s your choice if you’re willing to do it.” Wilbur paused to study the kid still restrained in front of him. It was odd how relaxed the kid seemed to be in a situation like this. He had no urge as far as Wilbur was aware, to fight against anything that happened. His complaints only being those that touched on personal matters. It was unsettling to say the least, and intrigued Wilbur. He really wanted to unravel the life the kid had lived before this and how he was actually dealing with the situation.

There was a long pause before the kid spoke, “I wouldn’t mind getting away from the weird smiley bitch.. plus you seem nice and to know what you’re doing so sure. Poison me bitch.” He said the last sentence with an enthusiasm Wilbur wasn’t expecting. He took a moment to rethink his plan, which was interrupted by a knock at the door.

“Dream says you better have advanced in your stupid testing. Otherwise he’s gonna kick you off the ship at the next stop.” Stated the rather rude blazeling, Sapnap. The blazeling never liked Wilbur and made a point to argue against any advancements at meals. That led to Dream installing a new system of emails and Wilbur eating meals alone.

“Yea yea, it’s going!” He yelled through the metal door.

“Better be.” The blazeling snapped before making a non quiet track back to his quarters.

“Stupid blazeling.” Wilbur grumbled as he sorted through vials and picked up new needles and measured out the substances. “We are going to start with the anesthetic then move onto the poison.” He softly addressed Tommy.

Wilbur swiftly disinfected Tommy’s shoulder and gave the needle. He then gave the second needle. Immediately Tommy slumped over. Wilbur swiftly took off Tommy’s restraints and moved him on to the patient bed in the back corner of the room. After the transfer was done he clipped the body restraints around Tommy and waited for the alert signaling landing.

After about five minutes the light next to the door turned blue. He moved over to his seat and clipped on the safety belts. The light turned green and the ship shook momentarily before a thud could be felt. Quickly as Wilbur could, he emptied the needles into the waste bin and waited for his soon-to-be-ex-boss to arrive.

Dream stepped through the door and glanced around the room before heading to Wilbur for his report.

“Report.” The dreamon commanded.

“The subject's body would have gone through a painfully slow death and have multiple organ failures if I did not intervene. The chemical mixes used created a conflict in the patient’s body which resulted in the patient falling into exhaustion as they recovered.” He responded in a monotone tone. Dream looked over Tommy. He flinched back in disgust as Tommy grunted in his sleep.

“Is that all?” The dreamon questioned.

“No.” Wilbur swallowed down his panic, “This is the last testing I will be doing with this crew.” The dreamon scoffed.

“I am assuming you’re getting off at this planet?” Dream spit. Wilbur knew he absolutely hated when people left his crew as he saw it as a direct violation of his loyalty.

“Yes.” The phantom stated, keeping his even tone apparent. With that Dream stormed out cursing in Siestian. Somewhere in the mess of words he told Wilbur to get his things.

Without hesitation he grabbed his bag from his quarters, which was held in a small room that branches off the lab. He half sprinted down the short hallway and straight to the bed Tommy was on. He swiftly unrestrained the human and sat him up. He slipped on boots and gloves then tied a cloak around the kid. He pulled the hood up and carried him off of the closest exit. There were faint yells from Dream down the hallway and reassurances from the only two beings that put up with him. And with that Wilbur was off to find the only craft he had ever called home. The SBI ship.

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Chapter 2- End

Words~ 1774

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End Notes: ‘‘twas to lazy to reread... sorry for minor mistakes. Also suggestions are always appreciated!! Please reblog...

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Chapter 3:

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Wilbur:

[lit-in-thy-heart]

you know what, what's the point of being on this platform if you don't get to bellow into the void about your interests in the hope of finding someone with the same interest?

in light of this, let me inflict a lowdown of the victorian literature (mostly novels because poetry is difficult to collate) that i've read for my module this year upon my mutuals

i'll do a separate one for vampire novels and reblog with the link

because what are the victorians without vampires? straight

bleak house (dickens): what a ride that was! yes, it was nearly a thousand pages and, yes, some chapters i was like can we move on please, but that's dickens for you. honestly, i loved it. if you're looking for thinly-veiled lesbianism, this is the book for you (esda all the way, if they even have a ship name). unfortunately i already knew one of the plot twists due to watching dickensian five years before, but there are plenty more to go around! if you can get through the first chapter describing nothing but fog and the law courts, you're in for one hell of a treat -- just don't google anything about it until you've finished because you will get spoiled (or don't share a house with me, where i'll tell you the entire plot as i'm reading it). definitely recommend, but marking it down for the heteronormativity with allan. (9.5/10)

villette (c. brontë): where to fucking start. i, quite frankly, do not care for charlotte brontë, and when reading the earlier novel agnes grey by anne, i could see some more things that charlotte has filched for this travesty. no victorian novel is going to be without problems, but this one was xenophobic, ableist and, of course, racist. the protagonist doesn't really give anything away, which is meant to make her more mysterious, but it just renders her an empty vessel. oh, and she tells you stuff that she's figured out waaaaaay after she says she's figured it out, a bit like she's allowing you to feel smart for making a connection before going 'oh yeah i knew that like twelve chapters ago, keep up'. some of the passages are really striking and there's maybe one character who's likeable but that's about it. i'd say it's more a story of omission than repression tbh. (4/10)

janet's repentance (eliot): wait, have i even finished this? no, no, i have not. it's fine, i wasn't going to tell you the ending anyway. i did get hooked eventually, there were just a LOT of names thrown around in the first few chapters, and a word that i didn't know was used frequently (turns out it was a name for the followers of this guy). i did get strong hester prynne/arthur dimmesdale vibes from some of the main characters, but janet is a very sympathetic character which, after reading villette, was nice. slightly depressing in some places, but a good enough read if you're not cramming it in the day before your tutorial, because it is mildly dense. (7/10)

the wonderful adventures of mrs seacole in many lands (seacole): not what i'd been expecting to read on my module, what with it being a biography, but enjoyable nonetheless. horrible histories lied to me, though, she was in her 40s/50s when she treated people in the crimean war, not in her 20s, but that's minor. it was actually quite funny??? like she was very reluctant to give away to give away her age and almost slipped up a couple of times, and also made some very biting remarks about people who were passing comment on her skin colour. for a biography, it wasn't hugely biographical, in that she was married for what seemed all of five minutes before her husband died, when in fact they were married for several years, but if you want an in-depth depiction of war, this is for you. not what i'd usually read, but some of the descriptions are so vivid that it does read like a novel in places, though sometimes the descriptions were so detailed that i did tune out at odd intervals. (9/10)

the happy prince and other stories (wilde): if you're feeling low, don't read these. don't. especially not 'the nightingale and the rose', because that was honestly heartbreaking. really well-written, some passages were just beautiful, i just wasn't in the right headspace to fully appreciate it. it also has a lot of death, i should probably explicitly say that. (8/10)

agnes grey (a. brontë): chef's kiss, honestly. if i'd read this last year then i think it definitely would have hit a lot harder, what with agnes moving away from home for the first time and struggling with loneliness around people who she is different from. beautifully written, i'm irritated at myself for not reading it sooner, even though i've owned a copy for about four years or so. agnes does come across as a bit wet sometimes, but those moments are rare and far between, she's overall a resilient character who is trying to make her own way in the world. seeing as i managed to get through the whole thing and didn't lose focus on what i was reading, i rate it higher than jane eyre (which is a rip-off of this anyway). we stan anne. though i am marking it down for the underdeveloped romantic relationship that just pops up (9.5/10)

now for some old classics that weren't taught on my module, but i can't not mention them

a tale of two cities (dickens): this was my first dickens book and oh my word what a book. yeah, okay, lucie is a bit of a wet dishcloth and has basically no personality, but there is definitely something there between her and her maid. sydney is my baby and oh so gorgeously dramatic ("you have kindled me, heap of ashes that i am, into fire"), which was perfect for the pangs of unrequited love. the plot is slightly confusing, and you don't really understand everything until right near the end, but i loved finding parallels in the chapters set in france with the chapters set in britain. oh and the showdown between miss pross and madame defarge is wonderful. i had a tradition of reading it on the run-up to christmas, just because that was the period when i read it for the first time, but i haven't done that for the past two years just because of exams and stuff. now, bleak house just pips it at the post, but i still love it dearly. (9/10)

wuthering heights (e. brontë): i couldn't review victorian literature and not include this. there are very strong similarities between this and villette (seems charlotte really drew on her sisters' work), particularly in terms of me not liking a single one of the characters except hareton. everyone is called cathy. literally. and heathcliff/cathy one is a toxic ship that should not be boarded. it is obsession, not love. the second volume is basically a repeat of the first one, thus showing that humanity will never move past its vices and will be caught in a vicious cycle of self-destruction for the rest of time. again, though, beautifully and vividly written. the characters are the type that you love to hate. (8/10)

the tenant of wildfell hall (a. brontë): what. a. book. this was a book that was simultaneously loved and condemned as scandalous when it came out. there's mystery, there's a woman escaping a horrible situation and making her own living, and there's a well-developed relationship! and the characters are likeable (i love rose, she's great, completely goes off at her brother when she has to do things for him all the time), which always puts it onto a winner. there's one chapter with gilbert that i have to skip just because i hate what he does in it. there are quite a lot of religious references, with redemption playing a huge part in the novel, but even the religious views brontë expresses went against a lot of the teachings of the anglican church at the time. do i even need to say that it's beautifully written if it's anne? marking it down for gilbert's behaviour and arguable control of helen's narrative. (9.5/10)

far from the madding crowd (hardy): i love this book. a little more uplifting than tess but still with the drama and murder you'd expect from hardy. maybe my review is influenced by my tiny crush on bathsheba: she's not the best role model but damn what a woman. gabriel isn't quite bae but i love him all the same, i'm so glad he's happy in the end. (9/10)

[mercurysnitch]

You Make My Dreams Come True (One Magnificent Year)

Summary: The year Joe and Reader got married turned out to be a very big one for their family.

A/N: It’s finally here! The “bonus chapter” is finally done, and it only took three and a half months 😆 (life got in the way for a while there, it wasn’t supposed to take quite this long). I am so so pleased to finally be sharing it with you (I hope it lives up to all the anticipation). Now that you can see how long this is you’ll understand why I thought including these events would have dragged out the main story too much 🤣. For reference, this starts soon after the climax of part 6 (Reader and Joe getting engaged) and goes on from there.

Some disclaimers: I should have mentioned in Part 6 that I’ve never been to the USA so all parts in New York are based on what I’ve picked up from watching many many movies and TV shows set there. Sorry if anything’s horribly inaccurate, I tried to be at least somewhat realistic. This story features an overseas wedding being planned in only three months, which seemed feasible to me, but I’ve never planned a wedding so I might have been a bit optimistic there. I’ve never been pregnant or had children so all of that stuff is based on research. I think it’s mostly realistic, but some of it might not be completely accurate for twins/preemies, so sorry in advance. Also I think I might have outed myself as an old school music fan with some of the songs mentioned in here.

Because this is the story of a single year, it’s broken into months with little timeskips between sections. The months are all different lengths, so hopefully it’s not too choppy. I feel like it rambles a bit towards the end, but I think overall it works.

As always, please forgive any typos I may have missed.

Italics indicate reader’s inner thoughts.

Warnings: pregnancy, vomiting, children, babies, non-graphic birth, premature birth, some angst, allusions to sex, mild illness

Word count: 20.6k (grab a cup of tea and settle in, it’s a long one)

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New Year's Eve in New York City. Just like last year, and yet at the same time, so very different. This year, Joe’s traditional New Year’s Eve party was going to be a celebration of so much more. Lucy and Rami insisted on coming to celebrate your engagement as much as the new year. Joe had of course sent an announcement to the ‘band’ group chat almost the moment you got home, and you’d spent the next three days in a whirlwind of calls, texts and video chats. Joe wanted to post something on Instagram almost immediately, but you persuaded him to hold off until you could tell his extended family in person at Christmas. He was annoyed until he saw their reactions to your announcement. Needless to say, it went down very well.

And then he finally made his Instagram post on Boxing Day, which lifted his mood enormously. He chose a sweet selfie he’d taken of the two of you hugging Tallulah, whose face was hidden, with the hand bearing your ring held close to the camera. He captioned it ‘Well we had a great Christmas celebrating this… Two weeks ago she said yes. Still can’t believe I get these two for the rest of my life now.’ The reaction was practically immediate and overwhelmingly positive. Even Brian left a comment: ‘Congratulations to a lovely couple! Wishing you endless happiness. Bri.’ You couldn’t help smiling at all the positivity. “They’re all so happy for us, Joe” you commented. He was confused. “Well, yeah, it’s happy news, right?” “It is,” you agreed, “but I thought people might be put off by the whole stepkid thing.” “Most people actually think it’s really sweet” Joe assured you.

All in all, you were a very happy family when New Year’s Eve rolled around. Joe’s various friends were keen to celebrate with you, Tallulah was eagerly counting down the last few days before Roger’s arrival, and you felt a general sense that all was right with the world. Ben’s unexpected arrival at the party was a nice treat too. Even Tallulah was pleased to see one of her favourite people in the world. Sitting with Joe after your midnight kiss, you felt incredibly content. “This year’s going to be a good one, isn’t it?” You mused. “Definitely” Joe agreed, kissing you gently. “It’s going to be great.”

January

You weren’t expecting to get into wedding planning after being engaged for less than three weeks, but Joe was keen to set a date as soon as possible. “I’m an actor, I need to know when I’m not going to be available” he explained one night, when you questioned his urgency to make plans. There was just one decision you needed to make before making any firm plans: would you have the wedding in New York or back home in the UK? You fretted for nearly a week after Joe first raised the question, not wanting to inconvenience any of your potential guests. "Babe, wherever we have the wedding someone's going to have to travel to get to it" Joe reminded you, after you told him about your severe indecision on the matter. "We might as well just pick the location we want, and leave it to the guests to decide if it’s too far for them." You considered this for a moment. "I suppose you're right" you agreed finally. "I usually am" Joe quipped. "Seriously though, where do you actually want to do it?" "I think… I'd rather get married in Britain" you replied, hesitantly. Joe smiled. "Britain it is then."

He paused. "Actually I was kinda hoping you'd say that, I'd love for Roger and Brian to be there." "Why?" you asked, surprised. "Well, we wouldn't be here without them. Especially Roger" Joe explained. "Don't you think it'd be a little strange for Roger to be there?" you questioned. "He is sort of my ex, you know." "He's also the one who introduced us" Joe pointed out. "Still a bit weird, but I suppose you're right" you conceded. Why is my life so bloody weird? It'd be nice for Roger to be there, spend some time with Loolah, see my family… oh God. You must have groaned out loud, because Joe suddenly looked concerned. "You ok babe?" he asked. "Yeah, I just realised that if Roger comes to our wedding he'll have to meet my parents" you explained. "Is… is that a problem?" Joe was confused. "Well, considering my father is under the impression he got me pregnant and then basically abandoned me to raise the child alone for five years, let's just say Roger's not exactly my dad's favourite person" you clarified. "I'm sure they'll be fine" Joe reassured you, "Roger's, like, ridiculously charming and friendly when he wants to be." "I know" you replied gently. "So, you still want to get married in England?" Joe asked jokingly. You smiled. "Yes." "Well then," he replied, smiling contentedly, "looks like we've got a location, so let's set a date."

Setting a date, however, proved to be easier said than done. You quickly realised that getting married in England would be an excellent excuse for a holiday, so you decided to make it a two-week trip, with the wedding in the middle followed by a week's honeymoon, during which Tallulah could spend some time with her dad. This meant you needed to find a convenient time of year for you and Joe to have a holiday, that would also be ok for Roger. And then you'd need a venue that was available at the right time.

Finding a venue in England, while more or less stuck in New York was something of a challenge. Google was of course immensely helpful, but it soon became clear you would need someone on the ground there too. You were wondering who to ask when you realised most of your bridal party still lived in the UK. Destiny was your maid of honour, and she was more than happy to help. "Anything you need, lovie, just give me a call" she assured you. You soon found yourself asking her to look at a venue for you, an old stately home in a country village barely an hour outside London.

The house looked beautiful on the website, and best of all, you, Joe, Tallulah and some of your guests would be able to stay there ahead of the ceremony. Destiny went to look at it as soon as she could find the time, and her report was very positive. “It’s gorgeous” she gushed to you down the phone. “You’d love it. The grounds are lovely too, I think Loolah’d have fun exploring them.” When Joe saw the photos Destiny sent you he agreed it looked practically perfect for your wedding. All that was left was to find a date the venue would be available.

You had a stroke of luck on the date front a few days after you and Joe put yourselves on the waiting list for a booking. A sudden cancellation had left the stately home with a week free in April, just after Easter. The timing couldn’t be better. “Work’ll be quiet, it’ll be a good time for me to have off” you explained to Joe. “And it’d overlap with Loolah’s school holidays too.” Joe was thoughtful for a moment. “I think I’m pretty free in April, actually” he said eventually. “So you wanna take the booking?” “Yeah, let’s do it” he enthused. A couple of days and several emails later the venue. “We’re getting married in April” you marvelled to Joe, after receiving the final confirmation. “Yeah” he replied contentedly. “Three months to plan a whole wedding. Are we nuts?” You really hoped not.

February

February brought cold season to your little family. First Tallulah came home with a sore throat and a fever which kept her away from school for three days, during which time Joe was luckily free to stay home with her. Then you caught her cold, though you managed to escape the worst of it, developing nothing worse than a sniffle. Finally, a week later you woke to find Joe pale and feverish beside you. He didn't wake until you were getting dressed for work. "Darling, are you alright?" you asked him, concerned. "No," he groaned. "My head hurts, my throat is killing me and I've got chills, I think." "Sounds like you've caught our cold then" you commented. "Can you stay home with me babe? Please?" Joe begged. You smiled sadly. "You know I can't, dear. Besides, you have a cold, you're not dying. You’re a grownup, you can survive eight hours on your own." "But baaabe!" he protested. "You sound like Loolah, you know” you grumbled, smiling fondly at Joe despite your exasperation. "But I'll come home as early as I can." "Thanks babe" he mumbled, peering blearily up at you from his spot under the covers. You returned to your morning routine, and Joe was asleep again within minutes.

Joe stayed home for a week. He never got any worse than Tallulah had, but sometimes it seemed that way because he was such a drama queen when he was sick. After two nights of listening to him sniff and cough miserably next to you, you banished yourself to the couch in the hope of finally getting some sleep. It barely worked, and you made sure to tell Joe the next day. "That couch is terrible! If only we had an extra bedroom…" "What, don't you like my apartment?" he grumped. "No, I do, Joe," you reassured him, "it's just… it feels so small sometimes. Like we're all on top of each other all the time, you know?" Joe looked thoughtful. "I actually saw a really nice house for sale the other day. Not too big, little bit of yard at the back… don't know if we can afford it though" he told you. "Well, it can't hurt to take a look" you grinned. Joe smiled back. "Let's go then."

The house turned out to be a nice little townhouse, with four bedrooms, but surprisingly right in your price range. Best of all, it was still on the market, but not for long. One very tense week later it was yours. There was just one small catch. "So, we close on the house in a month" Joe told you, following a phonecall from the real estate agent. "Which means we can't move in until April." "We're getting married in April though, we're going to be super busy and then away for a fortnight" you pointed out. "Yeah, the timing's not the best, is it?" Joe laughed. "I suppose we could move the week before we go…" you suggested. "Yeah, we- oh no, wait, we can't, I'm going to Vegas for my bachelor party that week" Joe told you. "And that means we can't move because…?" you asked. "I'm not leaving you to deal with moving by yourself" Joe replied stoutly. You looked at him thoughtfully for a moment. "As much as I want to go all 'independent woman' on you, I actually think you're right. I'll have enough to do that week as it is." "So we'll move after the wedding?" Joe suggested. "Yeah. As soon as we can." Gee, we’re doing a lot this year.

March

Most of your free time in March was taken up with planning of one sort or another. When you weren’t sorting out last minute wedding details, you were busy attempting to organise the move into your new house. On top of finding a removal company you were planning to have some of your stored furniture shipped from England to fill the extra space. But you weren’t convinced it would be enough. “Why did we buy a four-bedroom house?” you questioned Joe, after yet another attempt to work out what you would still need once your things arrived. “We only needed two, and now we’ve got so many rooms and not enough furniture…” “Well I thought we might want to fill those extra bedrooms soon…” Joe said suggestively. “What do you mean, Joe?” you asked, confused. “I mean,” Joe sighed, exasperated at your obliviousness, “I hoped we could try to grow our family?” You thought you knew what he was getting at now, but you wanted to check. “D’you mean… try to have a baby?” “Yes” Joe replied, smiling. His face fell slightly at the sight of your expression. “Do you not want to? Cause we don’t have to, I just thought…hoped-” “Of course I want to have a baby with you Joe,” you reassured him, “just… can we maybe wait til after the wedding? We’ve got enough going on right now as it is.” Joe nodded in agreement. “You know, the honeymoon is after the wedding…” he pointed out suggestively. “It is.” “So, extra fun honeymoon then?” Joe suggested. “Sounds like a plan” you agreed. At that Joe kissed you much more lustily than you were expecting. Should be a very enjoyable honeymoon if he’s going to be like that.  

As the weeks rolled by your focus increasingly shifted to the various parts of the wedding you and Joe still needed to plan. Of course, one of the most important components, at least to you and Joe, turned out to be the first dance. The first challenge was agreeing on the music. You both thought a Queen song seemed appropriate, but which one? "Love Of My Life?" Joe suggested. You looked at him incredulously. "What, it's a classic!" he insisted. "You do realise it's not actually a love song, right?" you asked. He was confused. "What?" "'Love of my life, don't leave me'?" you quoted. "It's a break-up song, Joe. I'm not doing the first dance to a break-up song!" Joe threw his hands up in surrender. "Ok, fine. Do you have any ideas?" You thought about it for a moment. "Um… Queen love songs. They didn't actually write all that many, did they?" Joe looked thoughtful. "Not straightforward happy ones, no" he agreed.

Suddenly his face was alight with inspiration. "We could do it to '39!" he suggested. "I know we both like that song." You were hesitant. "Um, I do like that song, but…" "But what?" He asked indignantly. "That song… it's kind of about me and Roger. Partly at least." you told him. "I just think it would be weird to have that for our first dance." Joe was very confused. "I thought Brian wrote '39?" "He did" you confirmed. "Roger told him about… us… once when they were both drunk, and Brian thinks that might have inspired the chorus. And the whole 'year of 39' bit." Your fiance looked at you blankly. "Roger and I were living 39 years apart at that point" you explained. "Oh." Joe sighed. "I guess that song would be kind of weird then" he conceded. “Actually, maybe a Queen song for the first dance was a bad idea” he pondered.  “Yeah” you agreed. “Maybe we should just stick with one of the classics.” “The classics?” Joe questioned. “Yeah, you know, Frank Sinatra or At Last or something.” “Or ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’?” Joe suggested. “Slow dance and fast bits, we could have some fun with it.” “That’s perfect!” You agreed. So much for Queen for the first dance.

April

The arrival of April Fool’s Day signalled your wedding day was almost upon you. Everything important was booked or ordered, which meant you were now faced with sorting out all the little things you’d put off organising initially, knowing they could be dealt with at the last minute. Number one on the list was sorting out who would be looking after Tallulah when she wasn’t fulfilling her flower girl duties. “Isn’t Roger looking after her after the ceremony’s over?” Joe asked, when you tried to explain your dilemma. “He’s going to be at the reception, Joe” you pointed out. “Along with basically my whole family. And I can’t ask Destiny because she’s maid of honour, and Carla’s her date, so she’ll be there too.” Suddenly Joe understood. “Well I guess she could just come to the reception. Roger could keep an eye on her there. And your parents.” “I suppose…” you sighed. “Actually, Lucy and the other bridesmaids could probably look after her during the day, until Roger can take over at the reception. But then we’re going away at the end, and what if she wants to leave early?” “So what if she does? Roger can take her to his room, right?” Joe reassured you. “You’re right,” you agreed, “he’s her dad, he can deal with it.”

Your other major concern was the potential for the combination of your very ordinary family and several famous people to end very badly. “They were fine meeting me, they’ll be fine at the wedding too” Joe tried to reassure you. “You’re just one person though,” you pointed out, “they’re going to have several people to embarrass themselves in front of this time.” Joe was still unconcerned. “I’m sure they won’t be that bad, babe” “You don’t know my Auntie Marie… ah shit” you trailed off, hit with a sudden realisation. “What about her?” “She’s a mad Eastenders fan, has been for years. Got my cousins into it too, and Steph… Peter Beale was always her favourite” you explained. “I think she might still have a bit of a celebrity crush on Ben.” Joe nearly laughed. “You know he won’t be that bothered” he reassured you. “Even if she spends the whole day practically hanging off him?” “Not if she’s cute” Joe quipped. He rapidly backpedalled at the sight of your expression. “She won’t be able to stick to him all day, he’ll be busy being best man for some of it.” “Thank god for that” you quipped. In the end Joe managed to reassure you Ben was perfectly capable of handling himself around overexcited fans. Even so, you still resolved to ask your mum to remind a few of your relatives to behave themselves before the wedding.

You felt as though you’d hardly blinked before Tallulah’s Easter holidays had arrived, and the three of you were on a plane to London. The plan was to spend a few days there catching up with friends and sorting out the final last-minute details before heading to the wedding venue on Thursday. You had a big dinner party for all your wedding guests planned for Friday night, ahead of the main event on Saturday. On Sunday you were off to Italy with Joe to unwind for a few days before you had to go home. Tallulah was going to spend that time with Roger, and she was very excited.

You tried to get some sleep on the plane, but it was difficult to relax with so many last-minute worries buzzing through your mind. You kept dozing off only to wake up in a panic about something. “The bridesmaids! What if their dresses look bad with mine?” “Babe, it’ll be fine. Lucy picked them, and she’s an expert” Joe soothed drowsily. Lucy had become one of your closest friends since you’d started seeing Joe. She’d adopted you more or less instantly, along with the rest of the Bo Rhap crew, and been your guide in the strange new world in which you’d found yourself as an actor’s girlfriend. But she was also an extremely supportive friend while you wrestled with the realities of a long-distance relationship. She empathised deeply with your struggles, being in a very similar situation with Rami, and had all sorts of advice on how to deal with them. She continued to sympathise as you adjusted to life in a new city, having had similar experiences when moving around for different projects. 

Including Lucy in your bridal party was therefore a no-brainer in your view. Her experience with fashion had proved very useful when you’d enlisted her to help you select bridesmaids’ dresses. The only small issue was that you had never seen the dresses in person, as your entire bridal party lived in the UK. As well as Lucy, and of course Destiny, there was your sister Eliza and Annabelle, an old uni friend who was one of the few people who’d actually stuck around after Tallulah was born. Quite a lot of your friends had made all the right noises while you were pregnant, only to disappear when confronted with the reality of your new situation. In any case, you were now very much looking forward to seeing all your bridesmaids again.

Despite your restlessness the flight passed quickly enough, and before you knew it you were settling into your temporary holiday flat in central London. Your parents insisted on coming to meet you as soon as possible, having not seen you in months, so most of the afternoon was spent lounging around the flat and catching up with them. Your sister had been keeping your mum in the loop about the wedding preparations, so she was full of useful last-minute advice and reassurance. “I’ve seen your sister’s dress, I’m sure all the bridesmaids will look wonderful” she told you, after you’d voiced to her your concerns about the dresses you hadn’t seen in person. “They’ll work beautifully with your dress too, I’m sure.” You weren’t entirely soothed, but you didn’t have the energy to argue by then.

Your worries were proved unfounded at the final fitting the next day. Lucy’s taste was clearly excellent, and everyone looked absolutely beautiful in their light aquamarine gowns. You spent a very enjoyable day getting fitted and hanging out with your bridesmaids, who got on well despite barely knowing each other. Well, they do all get on with me, they must have something in common. Tallulah had fun too, sitting in the fancy bridal shop with some of her favourite adults, and then getting to wear a very pretty dress. “You look so pretty, lovie!” Lucy gushed, when she finally got to see Tallulah in her flowergirl outfit. “Of course she looks pretty Luce,” you smiled, “you chose the dress.” All in all it was a productive day, and you felt much calmer about your imminent wedding at the end of it. 

The days passed in a whirlwind of lunches, coffee dates, and frantic final preparations. You even squeezed in a surprise hen night with your bridal party. But then, quick as a flash, Thursday had arrived and you found yourself on the road to the stately home where the wedding was being held. Joe had insisted on driving, but he wasn’t coping very well with having to drive on the opposite side of the road. “God, this feels so wrong even though I know it’s not.” “Just concentrate” you urged him. “And I’m driving next time, it’ll be a lot less stressful.” Fortunately you made it to the wedding venue without incident, despite a couple of near-misses.

Thursday night was spent having dinner with the entire bridal party, who had never been together before. They would all be staying in the actual stately home with you and Joe for the duration. Joe had picked Ben as his best man, after much agonising. Rami and Gwilym were of course groomsmen too, alongside Joe’s brother. To your immense relief everyone got on well without much effort, and the evening passed surprisingly quickly. You went to bed with the feeling that the countdown was now on, and you were very excited. 

Most of Friday was spent preparing the venue for the events of the next day, setting up a location in the grpunds for the ceremony and arranging flowers and decorations. The evening, though, was set aside for a relaxed pre-wedding party, to give the guests an opportunity to meet each other and see you and Joe before you were swept up in the wedding tomorrow. The guests themselves arrived in dribs and drabs as the day went on. The bridal party were already there, of course, and their various partners had all arrived by lunchtime. Your parents appeared in the early afternoon, and Joe’s mum followed soon after. The day was full of enjoyable reunions, and the night promised even more. 

The party started in the early evening with light finger food and cocktails. There was no formal sit-down meal, because people were coming from all over and would be arriving at various times throughout the night. You and Joe tried to remain in a central position so you could easily greet people as they arrived. Later in the night there were a couple of quick speeches from Joe and Ben, welcoming everyone to your wedding. After the speeches you and Joe took the opportunity to mingle with some of the late arrivals. Among them was Brian, who swept over to introduce you to Anita, who was just as warm and lovely as he was. "I told her the truth about you. And Tallulah. Hope you don't mind" he told you in an undertone. You smiled reassuringly. "Of course not.” Not long after he trotted off to catch up with the rest of the Bo Rhap contingent, currently hanging out in a quiet corner, your parents came up to you, bringing Tallulah with them. "She was asking for you" your mother explained. At almost the same moment Roger came over with Sarina to say hello. Oh lord, here we go.

"Hello, love! Good to see you back on home soil" Roger greeted you, cheerful as ever. "Hi Roger. Sarina, lovely to see you again." Your mother leaned over while Joe greeted them both. "Wait, how do you know him?" she asked. Before you could reply Roger was looking at you curiously. "Roger, these are my parents" you explained, in response to his unspoken question. "Roger Taylor. How do you do?" He smiled cheerfully as he reached over to shake their hands. Something about his expression seemed to catch your mother’s interest, and you could almost hear the wheels turning in her head. "Hold on, are you-?" "Daddy!" Tallulah cried, rushing over to embrace him. "Hello darling" Roger murmured, bobbing down to hug her back. "'Daddy?'" your father repeated incredulously. "Yes," you confirmed, "this is Tallulah's dad. And his wife Sarina" "Wife?" your father echoed. "Yes" Roger replied, straightening up. "You never said he was married" your father muttered darkly. You tensed up at your father’s tone. “He never told me.” "He was- you were married then?" your father spluttered at Roger, clearly angry. He didn't even need to explain what 'then' meant. "Dear, please, don't make a scene" your mother urged quietly. Roger, surprisingly, was unfazed. I suppose it's easy to ignore accusations when you know they're not actually true. "Yes, I was. And yes, I did some things I'm not proud of back then, but becoming Tallulah's father sure as hell isn't one of them" he declared stoutly. Your father seemed to accept this, but was still unwilling to back down. "Still can't believe you had the nerve to show your face here" he said unpleasantly. Joe had been hanging back, unwilling to get involved, but at this he felt he had to intervene. "If you must know," he explained tensely, "I insisted we invite Roger. Your daughter and I wouldn't be here without him, and besides, he's a friend." Your parents gawped at him but said nothing. "I know it's an unusual situation" Joe pressed on, "but we've all managed to get along despite the circumstances, so the least you can do is respect that. And respect Roger too, he's a good man." Your father was evidently flabbergasted at Joe's outburst, to the point that he was apparently unable to form a response. Your mother seized the opportunity to steer him away from you towards some nearby relatives, having apparently decided the conversation had gone far enough. 

"Was that too much?" Joe whispered when they were safely out of earshot. "No," you reassured him, "he just needs some time to cool off. He'll be okay." You were suddenly acutely aware of Roger looking at you with concern, while chatting with Tallulah. "You alright?" you asked casually. He grinned. "Yeah. 'S not the first time I've had to deal with an angry dad. Been a few years though…" There was a thoughtful pause. "What exactly is his problem, by the way?" Roger asked lightly. "He thought I ruined my life when I got pregnant by someone who didn't stick around" you explained. Roger looked downcast. "Oh. I see" he muttered. "You know, it kills me a bit that you had to raise her alone for so long" he said suddenly, quietly enough that no-one would overhear. "I wasn't alone, Rog" you reassured him. He still looked downcast. “I know, but still…” “It wasn’t your fault you weren’t there, I don’t blame you for it, so stop beating yourself up about it” you told him. “I made my choice expecting I’d never see you again, I knew what I was signing up for.” Roger stared at you curiously. “Well, I thought I did, anyway” you clarified. Roger grinned at that, but it disappeared quickly. “D’you ever wish-” he started to ask, but you cut him off. “Things had been different? Of course. I’m pretty happy with how they’ve turned out, though. Thanks to you.” Roger was confused. “Thanks to me?” “Technically, you introduced me to Joe” you pointed out. He grinned broadly at that.

Suddenly you realised Joe had disappeared. Before you could do anything, though, Ben appeared at your shoulder. "Y/N" he said quietly, making you jump. “Ben! What’s up?” The blond looked uncharacteristically serious. “It’s Joe,” he told you, “he’s… he needs you, I think.” “Well where is he?” You asked, suddenly concerned. “Come with me” Ben murmured, leading you away from the party. He took you down a corridor to a quiet storeroom, away from the noise and movement. “What’s he doing in here?” You asked, whispering urgently. “He’s… upset, I guess” Ben replied. “But he’ll be able to explain it better. Just go in, please.” A worrying thought struck you. “We’re the guests of honour, won’t people notice we’ve both gone?” Ben shrugged. “Even if they do they’ll just think you’re shagging or something.” “Ben!” you chided him, scandalised. “Relax, I’ll cover for you if anyone does notice” he reassured you. “Thanks” you muttered, turning away to face the storeroom properly.

You cautiously pushed the door open. “Joe? Are you alright?” Your soon-to-be husband looked up, startled. His eyes were red-rimmed and full of tears. “How did you-?” “Ben told me” you explained, cutting off his question. “But darling, what’s wrong?” You asked him tenderly, sitting down next to him. “After I saw you with your dad, before, it just… it suddenly hit me, really hard.” “What hit you?” You prompted, wrapping your arms around him. “My dad’s not here. I’m getting married and he won’t be there. He should be here, meeting your parents, defending you to your own father like I did, but he’s not” Joe explained sadly. “And I feel like I should be super happy right now, and I am, but I’m really sad too.” “Oh, darling, you’re allowed to feel however you want” you comforted him. You held him quietly for a moment. “Why didn’t you tell me you were upset?” You asked quietly. “It came on really suddenly, like out of nowhere… and you looked so happy back there, I didn’t want to bring you down” Joe admitted. “Joe, darling, I don’t mind. We’re nearly married, that means it’s my job to help you when you feel like this” you reassured him. “Thanks wifey” he said, looking slightly happier. You kissed him lightly on the cheek. “Any time, babe.” You paused, sitting in silence for a while. “Are you ok now, or do you still need a minute?” You eventually asked, sensing your husband-to-be was starting to feel better. Joe looked thoughtful for a moment. “I’ll need a little bit longer, I think.” You sat together in silence for a moment. Suddenly Joe turned his head and kissed you. “I love you so much” he murmured as you broke apart. “Love you too” you replied automatically. “You can go now, if you want” Joe announced. “I’ll be out soon.” But as you reached the door he stopped you. “Actually, can you get Ben to come in here?” He asked calmly. “Ben?” You questioned, surprised. “Just…please?” Joe’s expression spoke such volumes you suddenly didn’t need to know any more. “Of course, dear.” You paused just before you left the room. “I’m sending Ben into a private space with you, should I be worried?” you quipped. Joe laughed at that, and you finally relaxed, knowing for sure he would be ok now. 

The rest of the party rolled on without incident, and you went to bed that night with an odd mixture of contentment and nerves bubbling in your head. The next morning you woke relaxed and refreshed, and most unusually, alone. Joe was rather fond of certain wedding traditions, and had insisted on sharing Ben’s room for the night. You thought it was probably for the best, you’d have to get ready separately anyway. Lucy had suggested Tallulah have a sleepover with her and Rami as well, so you could have a break and she could look after your daughter in the morning while you had a bit of a lie in. 

As you got out of bed and started on your morning routine you were hit with a sudden wave of pre-wedding jitters. What if it rained? What if something went wrong? Were you doing this too soon? You’d only been living together for nine months, after all. Your stressful thoughts were interrupted by a knock on your door. “Y/N? You up?” It was Destiny, fulfilling her first job of the day. “Yeah, come in” you called. She took one look at you and rushed over, enveloping you in her arms. “What’s up love?” “I just… I don’t know” you gulped. “I’m having all these doubts all of a sudden. What if this is too soon?” Destiny smiled reassuringly. “You’ve been together for years, this is hardly a whirlwind romance.” “I know, but-” She turned to look you straight in the face. “You love him, don’t you?” You were bewildered at the question. “Of course I do, but-” “And Joe loves you, right?” Destiny pressed on. “Well, yeah, I think s-” You were interrupted by Lucy entering your room, Tallulah in tow. She immediately sent Tallulah off to the bathroom so she could talk to you alone. “What’s going on?” Lucy asked. “Pre-wedding jitters” Destiny explained. “Anyway, you love Joe and he loves you, doesn’t he?” You were oddly uncertain. “I think s-” “He does” Lucy chimed in. “He adores you, Y/N, everyone can see it.” “You see?” Destiny went on. “You love each other, you want to be with each other, and at the end of the day that’s what really matters here.” You sighed. “I know Dess, I just… this’s all happened so quickly, how do I know we’re not moving too fast?” Lucy stepped forward, and Destiny wordlessly let you go so the younger woman could take over. Lucy put her hands on your shoulders and looked into your eyes. “Y/N,” she began firmly, “Joe loves you, he really does. Everyone can see how you make each other happy.” “I know that, but-” “So what if you’ve moved quickly?” She cut you off. “When you know, you know. Joe knows, even if you don’t.” You were confused. “How do you know that?” “Rami” Lucy said simply. “He’s never seen Joe look at anyone the way he looks at you, and you know as well as I do how long they’ve known each other.” You were taken aback. How could you have doubted what you and Joe had? “I suppose when I think about it this does feel right, even if it is a bit quick” you declared. Lucy smiled. “Of course it is lovie. Now come on, let’s get you married.”

In the end, the ceremony went off without a hitch. You looked beautiful, Joe only got slightly teary when he saw you at the end of the aisle, and all the guests agreed it was lovely. Even the previous night’s tension with your father was forgotten as soon as he saw you in your full regalia for the first time. The expression on Joe’s face when he first caught sight of you was so adoring, and so happy, all your doubts vanished instantly when you saw it. By the end of the ceremony you were fairly sure you were both wearing identical joyful smiles. You really were glad to be marrying him. 

The reception went well too. The first dance, which you and Joe had positively slaved over, was performed flawlessly, and earned rapturous applause from your guests. The speeches were all excellent as well. Ben's was probably the most polished, but then, he was an actor. You wanted to thank him during the dancing afterwards, but he seemed to have vanished. Joe was strangely unconcerned by this. "He's probably just gone for a smoke, wifey.” He seemed to have been gone a long time, but before you could consider this further you were distracted by Rami and Lucy coming to congratulate you, accompanied by Tallulah. Somehow, in the midst of all the hugs Joe disappeared off somewhere. You couldn't work out where until Lucy led you to a chair near the front table, closest to the little stage area where the sound system was, and urged you to sit there with Tallulah. You were surprised to see there were microphones and amps and even a drum set up, even though you hadn't booked a band.

Your confusion lasted only until Joe and Ben stepped up to two of the mikes. "What are they doing?" you muttered to Lucy. "Just watch" she told you, grinning. Suddenly you noticed a familiar lanky figure wandering over to the third mike. Joe, in the middle, cleared his throat. "Uh, hi everyone, if I could have your attention for a minute? Relax, I'm not doing another speech. So you might know we three have a bit of a side interest in music, even though we don’t get to play together very much. So I just wanted to take the opportunity tonight to do something special for the two very special ladies in my life. To the extremely talented musicians in the audience, please bear with us. Everyone else, enjoy." With that, he picked up a bass, Ben picked up a tambourine, and Gwilym, down the other end, sat on a bar stool at his mike, acoustic guitar in hand. Ben counted them in, and suddenly Gwilym started picking out the very familiar chords of '39, with Joe on bass and Ben on bass drum and tambourine. Then Joe began to sing directly to you and Tallulah, and you thought you might cry, though Tallulah immediately started to sing along. Gwilym and Ben harmonised nicely on backing vocals too. When the end of the song brought rapturous applause, your new husband and his friend beamed, while Gwilym just smiled modestly. When things died down, Joe spoke up again. "Ladies and gentlemen, Gwilym Lee!" he introduced. "And on drums, Ben Hardy!" After a brief round of applause he grinned cheekily. "You liked that?" he asked the crowd. "Lucky for you, we have one more. It's a bit of an oldie, but a goodie" he explained. Another count in from Ben led to the intro to "Hello Mary Lou." Joe looked distinctly nervous as he started to sing again, but you beamed at him as he sang straight to you. The song finished, your guests applauded, and with a wink and a "That's all folks!" the musicians left the stage, taking their instruments with them.

Moments later the three of them appeared in front of you. You promptly threw your arms around them all. "That was amazing! You're so talented, all of you." Ben blushed. "Oh, well, I'm no Roger…" he faltered. "We had excellent teachers” Gwilym added, looking slightly uncomfortable at the praise. "You what?" you asked, surprised. "Brian and Roger taught us Hello Mary Lou" Joe explained. “We already knew ’39 from the movie, just had to refresh our memories a bit.” "Well you all did wonderfully" you mused. "Anyway, 'Hello Mary Lou'?" "I know how much you like it, and it seemed… appropriate for us" Joe shrugged. "I suppose. You really love ’39 though, don't you?" you commented. "Well it always reminds me of us a bit, you know, lovers separated, longing to be together again, it's kind of the story of our relationship, y'know?" Joe explained. "It kind of is" you agreed.

Suddenly Brian and Roger descended on the trio of groomsmen to congratulate them on the performance. You took advantage of their celebration’s rapid turn into an in-depth conversation about drumming between Ben and Roger and embraced Brian. "Thank you for teaching them" you murmured. "That was wonderful." He smiled. "You're very welcome" he said warmly. "You know, it was a bit strange watching them all up there. Joe looks so much like Deaky when he plays, it’s almost alarming." “You should tell Joe that” you commented. “Oh, he knows” Brian replied airily. You were glad, but you thought Joe was extremely talented in his own right too. 

The laughter and dancing seemed to go on forever, but soon enough, the festivities were over and you and Joe were retreating to the bridal bedroom. Even though it was your wedding night both of you were too tired to do much more than undress each other and cuddle. “I love you, wifey” Joe murmured, as you dozed off wrapped in each other’s arms. “I love you, hubs” you murmured back. You weren’t sure you’d ever been happier in your life.

You spent the following week in something of a post-wedding haze. You spent several happy days honeymooning in Rome, enjoying spring sunshine and Italian food. You revelled in the feeling of being married, and in being responsible only for yourselves for a change. It was an odd sensation after so many years of single parenthood. But all too soon the honeymoon was over, and you had to go home to New York. Back to work, school and responsibilities. But also to your new future, which was looking brighter than ever.

May

You returned home still floating in a blissful honeymoon fog. Joe could only stay home for a week before he would be needed in LA again, but you made the most of it by moving house two days after you got back from England. Your wedding gifts had been shipped to the new house ahead of you, bringing with them a few pleasant surprises. In addition to the gifts left by your guests there were a number of cards sent by people who hadn't been able to attend the wedding. You and Joe made sure to read them all together, occasionally asking each other who the senders were. However, there was one card that mystified you both.

One afternoon you wandered into the kitchen to find Joe at the table bent over a stack of cards. "Babe, do you know a John and Veronica?" he asked as you passed him on your way to the pantry. "No, why?" you replied casually. "There's a card here from 'John and Veronica' and I don't know who they are so I figured they must be people you know…" "Maybe I do" you mused. “Show me.” Joe passed the card over, and you started to read. “Joe and Y/N”, it said, ‘Congratulations on your wedding. May your marriage bring you a lifetime of happiness.’ It was signed ‘John and Veronica,’ but you didn’t recognise the handwriting. “Weird,” you murmured, "'John and Veronica' sounds sort of familiar somehow…" Joe looked at you thoughtfully. "It sounds kinda familiar to me too" he said wonderingly. Suddenly he gasped. "John Deacon… John Deacon's wife's called Veronica… you don't think?" Joe babbled frantically. "Could be" you replied evenly. "But how would he have known we were getting married?" "Luke" Joe responded instantly. "Luke Deacon DM'ed me after I did the engagement post on Instagram, just to say congrats, y'know." "Nice bloke" you commented. "Very nice" Joe agreed. "He must've told his dad, I guess. But then how did he-" "Know where to send the card?" you completed. "Sent it to Roger and Brian, probably."

A quick phonecall to Roger confirmed your suspicions, and lead to some interesting revelations. "He knows the real story about you and Loolah now" Roger confessed. "He recognised you in the engagement photo. And her. At least, he knew immediately she was mine" he explained. "I suppose he would" you mused. "And he wanted… he wishes Joe well, he really does. He just wants to stay as far away from the business as possible, you know" Roger added. "I get that now, so much" you laughed. Joe, listening in, looked as though he might cry. He understood exactly what Roger meant, and it made him so very glad to hear it.

All too soon, Joe had to go back to work in LA, again. He was gone for three weeks, until mid-May. By the time he came home a hint of summer was starting to creep into the city air. Annoyingly, though, you were unable to make the most of Joe's eventual return. Lately, you had been so tired all you wanted to do was sleep, even on your days off. You'd been feeling like this for a week by the time Joe came home. The next morning you woke up feeling extremely nauseous. You tried to get up without waking Joe, but the movement made things so much worse you had to jump up and sprint for the toilet. Thank god we have an en-suite now. "Babe?" Joe groaned from the bed. "What's up?" You didn't want to open your mouth to respond. While you were curled over the bowl you heard footsteps. You were suddenly aware of Joe standing behind you. "Oh, honey" he murmured sympathetically, leaning down to rub your back in soothing circles. 

When you finally stopped heaving you looked up to see Joe studying you with a mixture of concern and curiosity. "Are you sick, babe? You seemed fine last night…" "I was" you told him crossly. "Or at least, I wasn't feeling like this. I have been really tired though" you explained, thoughtfully. "Maybe you've caught something from Loolah?" Joe suggested. She was always passing things on from school. "Maybe" you echoed, unsure. "She hasn't been sick lately though." You hauled yourself upright and went to brush your teeth. "I've probably just eaten something dodgy" you assured your husband. "If you say so" he replied, sounding unconvinced. "You don't believe me?" you asked him. Joe stood behind you at the sink while you brushed, looking uncertain. "I do, it's just… well… we were, ah, trying all honeymoon, maybe it worked?" he said, rather suggestively. "I doubt it" you told him, "It’s only the first month. Besides, I'm about to get m-" Wait, what's the date? You were abruptly silenced by a sudden realisation. "What?" he asked frantically. "My period. It's two weeks late. How did I not notice that?" He smiled. "So you think-?" You nodded. "I really could be. I think I'd better go to the pharmacy today..."

Joe had to go to work that day, but by some weird stroke of luck, you had a day off. You ran out to the pharmacy that very morning and bought two tests, rushing home to do them as soon as you could. The results were clear as day. Positive. Both of them. Oh my god, it actually worked. I’m really pregnant. I have to do something cute to tell Joe. You immediately started to develop a plan for your very special announcement. I’m so happy. God, he’s going to be so excited. He’s going to be the best dad too.

Joe arrived home that afternoon to the usual enthusiastic welcome from Tallulah. When you finally managed to persuade Tallulah to let him go, you sent her off to watch cartoons while you took Joe upstairs to freshen up. "So did you get to the drugstore today?" he asked quietly. "I did" you replied, trying to sound casual. "And?" he questioned, as you reached your shared bedroom.  “I, um, I also got you a present today” you told him, pointing at a white box sitting on your shared bed. “Ookay?” Joe looked at you, confused, as he sat down and opened the box. He pulled out the tiniest Yankees shirt you’d been able to find. “This is so cute!” Joe exclaimed. “But why'd y-? Wait." He stared at the shirt intently. Suddenly he looked at you, thunderstruck. "No. Way" he breathed. "Holy shit. The honeymoon worked?" he asked excitedly, breaking into a huge grin. You nodded, wordlessly showing him the tests you'd hidden in the bedside drawer. Joe’s face lit up, as he broke into happy tears. "Oh my god. You’re actually pregnant?” he asked wonderingly. "Yes, Joe, I’m really pregnant” you echoed, tearing up yourself despite your joyful smile. “We're going to have a baby, darling.” “Oh my god. Oh my god. I’m gonna be a dad!” he exclaimed, pulling you in for a bear hug and kissing you deeply through the tears.

“I’m so excited babe, I want to tell everyone” he gushed as he held you. You pulled back to look at him. “Joe, darling, I literally just peed on the sticks this morning, I haven’t even been to the doctor yet. We can’t tell anyone for now, ok?” Joe looked at your serious face and nodded, disappointed. “Ok” he agreed. You paused. “Actually, we’ll need to be careful when we go back down, even Loolah doesn’t know.” “Crap” Joe cursed. “I even have to keep this from your child who lives with us? I know I’m not the expert, but that seems like a bad idea even to me” he said. “It’s only for a few weeks” you reassured him. He sighed. “I know babe, it’s just, I’m so excited, I don’t know if I can keep it in for that long.” “Well you’ll just have to try” you replied quietly. You held each other wordlessly for a moment. “I love you, did I tell you that?” Joe murmured, finally breaking the silence. “Both of you” he added, smiling broadly. “We love you too” you replied dreamily. You didn’t think you’d ever been happier than you were at that moment.

June

By the time you managed to find a doctor and get an appointment a few weeks had passed, and you were already 9 weeks along. In the meantime you had at least managed to get your pregnancy officially confirmed by a blood test at a walk-in clinic. You were still holding off on telling people about it, but it was getting difficult to hide the fact that something was happening to you. You were constantly nauseous, and it was a battle to get through a whole day of work without a spontaneous nap. I swear it wasn’t this bad last time. I suppose I was a lot younger then. This time seems so different though. Joe had managed to keep his promise so far, even with Tallulah, but you weren’t convinced he could go much longer without exploding. In any case, he was very excited about your first appointment. He made sure he was free to go with you on your afternoon off, while Tallulah was at school.

Doctor Baker was a slightly older woman with a calm, pleasant manner and a sterling reputation. You sat quietly in front of her as she checked over your paperwork. “Ok, well, that all looks good. So, just to confirm, is this your first child?” She asked pleasantly. You and Joe looked at each other. “Uh…” he muttered.“It’s my second, but it’s his first” you explained, pointing to him. “Ok, and how old’s your first?” The doctor inquired. “She’s seven” you and Joe replied simultaneously. Doctor Baker smiled kindly. “Well, as it’s been a few years you might find things are a bit different this time around, but that’s totally normal” she told you. “Now, let’s have a look at what’s going on in there.”

You moved over to the bed in her office while she bustled around preparing the ultrasound machine. Joe sat next to you, nervously holding your hand while the doctor put the gel on your stomach and turned the machine on. “Ok, let’s see” the doctor murmured, moving the ultrasound wand around experimentally. “Ah! Here we go” she said suddenly, as the room was filled with the familiar sound of a tiny heart beating. But that doesn’t sound like I remember. “You hear that?” You nodded quietly. “That’s two heartbeats. Two strong heartbeats” the doctor informed you. What?! "There's… what?! Joe cried, his mouth opening in shock. “Two? There’s two of them?” You asked Doctor Baker, equally stunned. “Yes,” she smiled, “two healthy babies. Congratulations.” You and Joe turned to look at each other simultaneously. “Twins!” You both exclaimed. “Oh my god, twins!” Joe gushed, overjoyed. You were both tearing up at the news. “Here, have a look” Doctor Baker said quietly, moving the wand so you could see both babies. “Wow” Joe breathed. “Yeah” you agreed. You made sure to get printouts of a few images from the ultrasound. You wanted to remember this moment forever.

Joe was bursting with excitement when you left the doctor’s office. “Oh my god, babe, we’re having twins!” “I know Joe, I was there” you quipped, exasperated. “I know babe, it’s just, I can’t believe this is actually happening” he explained. “Oh, it’s really happening” you quipped, smiling. Getting home brought another challenge. “Look, I know we’re not telling people yet, but I swear to God if I don’t tell someone soon I’m going to explode” Joe told you later that day. You were still reluctant to tell anybody until you were further along, but you decided to compromise. “We could tell my parents later if you want” you suggested. Joe enthusiastically agreed, so later that afternoon you FaceTimed them while holding one of your ultrasound photos. Your mum gasped when she saw what it was, and you were pretty sure she squealed when you told her you were actually having twins. Your dad was pretty happy too, the semi-argument before your wedding now long forgotten. Joe was very pleased it wasn’t a complete secret any more, and to your immense relief he managed to keep calm once Tallulah got home. You were very excited too, but you knew it was best to wait just a bit longer before telling her. Just a few weeks, and then we can tell everybody.              

July

The arrival of July heralded the beginning of Tallulah's summer holidays. This also meant a visit from Roger, who was taking her to his house in LA for a few weeks, although he was going to enjoy a couple of days with her in New York first. The final day before their departure, which Roger spent showing Tallulah around some of the New York sights, very conveniently coincided with your next visit to Doctor Baker. It was a glorious summer’s day, and you took a minute to enjoy the weather with Joe after your appointment. Both babies had received a clean bill of health, so you were in a buoyant mood as you lounged on a park bench together, basking in the sunshine. “Please tell me we can tell Tallulah now,” Joe pleaded, “keeping this secret is absolutely killing me.” “We’ll tell her tonight” you reassured him. “Oh, wait, Roger’s coming for dinner” you realised, thinking out loud. “So?” Joe responded. “We’re gonna have to tell him at some point, might as well get it over with.” “True” you murmured. “So, we’ll tell them tonight?” he asked. “Yeah.” “And then we can tell the world” Joe added. “And then the world” you echoed, smiling contentedly. It was going to be a good summer.

That night, before dinner, you presented Tallulah with a t-shirt that said ‘World’s Best Big Sister’ on the front. Roger saw it and immediately glanced at you with a knowing smile, but said nothing. Tallulah stared at the shirt in confusion, until suddenly her face lit up when she realised what it meant. “I’m gonna be a big sister?!” She cried, beaming with excitement. You smiled at her obvious joy. “Yes, darling.” “So does that mean… there’s a baby in your tummy, Mummy?” She asked, a little uncertainly. “Actually, Loolah,” Joe cut in, sitting down beside her at the dining table, “there’s two babies in Mommy’s tummy.” “Twins?” Tallulah squealed happily. “Yeah, twins” Joe confirmed, pulling some ultrasound pictures out of his pocket. “Have a look, sweetie.”

Tallulah chattered excitedly all through dinner, clearly delighted at the prospect of two younger siblings. It sounded like she’d had a nice day out with Roger too. Finally dinner was finished, Joe was cleaning up and Roger was putting Tallulah to bed, giving you a rare moment to sink onto the couch and enjoy some peace and quiet. Joe soon returned from the kitchen to sit next to you, holding you close. "You feeling ok?" he asked softly. "Just tired" you reassured him. You cuddled quietly together, chatting lazily about nothing in particular, until Roger reappeared. "Loolah's finally asleep" he told you, settling himself into an armchair next to the couch. "She seems happy, she had lots of questions." "Which you'll have to answer for the next three weeks" you quipped, grinning evilly. "True" Roger commented thoughtfully. "Now, as I haven't said it yet, congratulations, both of you" he added, smiling warmly. "Thanks, man" Joe replied, looking pleased at Roger's obvious joy. "Twins!" Roger mused. "That's… really great, actually. I'm so pleased things have worked out for you two." You and Joe both smiled at that.

“So when are you due?” Roger asked pleasantly. “January” you replied. “Which I guess means I’ll be too pregnant to take Loolah home for Christmas like I was planning.” Joe looked surprised. “You’re already planning Christmas in July?” he asked incredulously. “Not really,” you explained, “I just remembered I’d said to Mum that we’d go back to them this year.” “Well maybe your parents’ll just have to come over here instead” Roger suggested. “Perhaps” you mused. “I could come for New Year’s, have a late Christmas with Loolah” he added, thinking out loud. “That could be fun” Joe commented. You suddenly realised your next New Year’s Eve would be very different to previous celebrations. I’m definitely looking forward to it though.

You and Joe waved Tallulah and Roger off the next morning in an extremely good mood. You were determined to make the most of Tallulah’s holiday in LA, given it was likely to be the last time you were kid-free for quite a while. First on the agenda was a long-awaited band reunion. Unusually, Ben and Gwilym were both going to be working in New York at the same time, so it had been decided that a band dinner simply had to be arranged. You and Joe had decided to make an announcement at this dinner, but your plans went slightly awry when Ben dropped in that afternoon. You didn’t want to tell him early, but he saw you dashing for the bathroom at one point and was immediately concerned. “Are you ok Y/N?” he asked you when you came back. “You look a little pale…” “I’m fine, Ben” you assured him. “What’s up?” Joe asked, wandering over to his friend. “I had to run for the loo again” you explained. “Aw, you’re still sick? I thought it was getting better” Joe sympathised. “You’re sick?” Ben asked. “Um, kind of…” you muttered sheepishly. “Kind of? Guys, what’s going on?” Ben demanded, clearly confused. Joe glanced at you, and you nodded slightly, giving him wordless permission. “It's fine, Ben, it’s just morning sickness” he explained. "Oh. Right" Ben replied automatically. Then he processed Joe's comment properly. “Wait, morning sickness? Does that mean you're-?" He looked expectantly at Joe, who nodded silently. Ben beamed in response "Oh my god, that’s so great! Congratulations!” he gushed, pulling you both into a warm bear hug.

Telling the rest of the band was easy. They knew something was up as soon as you turned down the wine they were sharing. You noticed Ben smirking slightly at their confusion as to why before Joe spoke up. “Yeah, Y/N can’t drink for the next six months… cause I knocked her up.” There were a few giggles, which were followed by a shocked silence as everyone realised Joe was serious. “Yeah, and he did a great job” you added. “I’m having twins.” This revelation triggered an explosion of happy noise around the table. “You sneaky buggers, you didn’t tell me it was twins!” Ben cried, grinning at you regardless. Lucy just squealed with happiness. Dinner was interrupted while everyone stood to embrace you and Joe and murmur their congratulations. Rami looked positively overjoyed for his old friend. "Twins. Wow" he muttered to you. "Yeah, we might need your expert advice some time" you commented. "Oh, of course. Anything you need, just let us know" he assured you.

Later on Gwilym wandered over, beaming at you. “Congratulations love, it’s wonderful news.” “Aw, thank you” you replied, smiling. “They’re not going to play baseball are they?” he asked, half-seriously. “I don’t think they’ll get much choice” you sighed, grinning. “But I’m definitely teaching them cricket too, they’re British after all. I suppose we’ll just have to let them choose when they get older.” Gwilym smiled. “How modern of you.” You grinned wolfishly. “They’re both going to be cricket fans though. No children of mine are allowed to leave me to suffer through a whole Test series alone.” Gwilym laughed at that, and you could feel his happiness for you and Joe. You really were amazed at just how happy everyone was for you.

August

August should have been blissful. Tallulah was back from LA and Joe had arranged his schedule so he'd be working in New York until she went back to school. Even then, he didn't have much on, just a bit of press for his new movie and a few meetings. You were planning to enjoy some time as a family of three, a relaxed interlude before school returned and your family grew. But you spent only a week back together before getting a sharp reminder of some of the less-welcome aspects of life as an actor's wife.

It was Sunday morning, which meant Tallulah was watching cartoons while you and Joe unwound in the kitchen with cups of tea. The peace was suddenly shattered by the jangle of Joe’s phone. Joe glanced at the screen and then at you. “Text from Lucy” he told you. “Apparently we’re on TMZ again.” You’d been attracting a bit of paparazzi attention since appearing at the premiere of Joe’s new movie a few weeks ago, and you were starting to wonder whether they suspected something. “What are they saying?” you asked casually. “I don’t know, I haven’t found it yet” Joe grumbled, scrolling rapidly on the ipad resting on the kitchen bench. “Here we go.” He turned the screen around so you could read it.

At the top was the headline ‘Bo Rhap baby on board?’ over a picture of you and Joe walking down the street, in which your bump was clearly visible under your sundress. “Bloody hell, I knew that dress wasn’t covering anything” you cursed. “Does it matter? Everybody knows anyway” Joe pointed out. “Instagram doesn’t.” “I forgot about that” Joe commented. “Maybe it’s time they did?” he suggested. You had been hoping to hold off on a public announcement a little bit longer, but now it seemed like you didn’t have much choice. “I think it is” you agreed. You spent a lot of that Sunday planning out the perfect announcement, and you found yourself surprisingly excited at the prospect of sharing your news with the world.

The next day you had a doctor’s appointment, and you made a point of getting printouts of your latest ultrasound. You all got a clean bill of health too. When you got home Joe took some very nice pictures of you holding the printouts against your now very obvious bump, as well as some of you just cradling the bump. In the end he picked one of the latter shots to post, along with a close-up of the ultrasound photos against your stomach. Underneath them he wrote: ‘Just when I thought this year couldn’t get any bigger, this happened. Our little trio will be a family of five in January. Yep, double trouble is coming for the Mazzello-Y/L/N household next year (swipe for visual evidence). I almost can’t believe how much I love our little aliens already.’ You couldn’t help smiling when you saw the post. “Good?” Joe asked. “Very” you confirmed. “You’re so cute sometimes, you’re such a softie.”

Joe’s post was instantly deluged with happy comments from all and sundry. Even Brian left a nice message: ‘So pleased for you both. These kids will have wonderful parents, and be loved by so many others too. All the best for January! Bri’. “He’s so lovely” Joe commented. “He is” you agreed. “He’s right though.” “What, that everyone’s going to love our kids?” Joe joked. You smiled. “No, silly, the other thing.” This statement seemed to surprise your husband. “You really think I’m going to be a good dad?” “Joe, you already are” you said softly. Joe was confused. “Huh?” “You’re absolutely Tallulah’s parent at this point” you explained. “Not biologically of course, but that’s not what makes a good parent anyway.” “You think I’m a good parent?” Joe questioned, blown away by your statement. “Of course darling, do you think I would have moved across the pond for you if I didn’t?” You were joking, but only partly. Joe smiled anyway.

Joe ended up needing to fly to LA in the last week of Tallulah’s summer holidays. He was extremely put out that all his careful planning had still lead to him being away over the summer, but you assured him you could survive the last few days before school on your own. Tallulah spent two of them on a sleepover, and you took the last Friday off so you could have a long weekend with her as an end-of-summer treat. You spent most of the day doing back-to-school shopping, even though you wanted nothing more than to lounge on the couch all day. You were able to do that on Saturday, while Joe was helping Tallulah pick out her first day of school outfit via FaceTime. Joe insisted on taking on that particular parent duty, even while he was on the other side of the country. “You wouldn’t understand the importance of this,” he told you. “You always wore a uniform.” You just shrugged; you didn’t have the energy to argue. You weren’t that bothered, truth be told. You were glad to see Joe making the effort to spend some one-on-one time with Tallulah while he still could, even if it was over FaceTime. Oddly, watching them made you miss Joe more, but you knew he’d be home soon enough.

September

Joe had to stay in LA until mid-September. He was quite disappointed about missing Tallulah’s first day back at school, though she didn’t seem to mind much. She was too busy reuniting with all her friends and getting to know her new class. You were glad she was happy to be back at school, and there were a few parents you were pleased to see again too. Many of them had already heard about your impending new arrivals, and those that hadn’t were made aware by your now very obvious bump. In any case they all seemed quite happy for you, which made for a very positive first day of school on all fronts.

You went to a doctor’s appointment by yourself while Joe was away. You didn’t mind particularly, but it felt a bit odd given he’d been so involved up to that point. Doctor Baker seemed surprised to see you alone. “No Joe?” she asked casually. “He’s away” you explained. “Working in LA.” The doctor nodded in understanding. “Of course.” There was a pause while you prepared yourself for the examination. “When you’re ready we’re going to do an ultrasound” Doctor Baker explained. “We should be able to find out the genders today, if you want.” I totally forgot I was getting to that point. Do I want to know though? You hesitated to respond. Wait, does Joe want to know? He should be here when we find out. If we find out. “I think I’d prefer not to know for now” you finally told her. “We can always find out later if we decide we want to know, right?” The doctor nodded. “Absolutely. You’ll have plenty more ultrasounds after this one.” Something to look forward to, then.

Joe was pleased when you told him you hadn’t found out yet. “I definitely want to be there when we find out what we’re having” he told you, when you were FaceTiming that night. “So you want to know, then?” “Yeah” he confirmed. “Don’t you?” You shrugged. “I’m not fussed. I never found out with Loolah, and-” “You weren’t desperate to know?” Joe was shocked. “I didn’t really care what I had, it made no difference to me” you explained. “Plus I didn’t want to freak Roger out, finding out before the birth wasn’t an option in his day.” Joe grinned. “Well it is now, and I don’t want to wait four more months to find out.” You smiled contentedly. “We’ll find out when you get back then.”

Finally the day of Joe’s temporary homecoming arrived. He would have to leave again in only a fortnight, but you were very glad to be getting him back in the meantime. Joe's eyes bugged out when he saw how much you'd grown since he'd been away. "Has it really only been three weeks?!" "Growth spurt" you shrugged. "Or maybe you just didn’t notice how big I was when you left. Anyway, welcome home." You smiled, leaning in for a quick, chaste kiss before Tallulah came barrelling down the hallway to greet Joe. You decided to leave them to it, and shuffled off back to the couch. You could hear Joe clumping around for a while, chatting with Tallulah and putting his things away. Suddenly it went quiet, and then you saw your husband flop down next to you. "Hi honey. I missed you" he told you, leaning over and giving you a deep, hungry kiss. "I missed you too" you murmured, as you broke apart. Joe put his hands on your bump, leaning down to kiss it. "And I missed- what was that?" he asked frantically, eyes wide with shock at what he'd just felt. "I think that was a kick" you told him, smiling. "Keep talking." "What?" Joe asked, confused. "They seem to like your voice" you explained. "Oh. Ok. Well, um, this job kinda sucks and I don't like the director at all. I mean-" Joe stopped abruptly, staring at you with a mixture of joy and shock. "They both kicked" he murmured, looking slightly teary. "Suddenly this all feels a lot more real." "Oh it's plenty real, darling" you told him, smiling broadly. “Yeah but… they’re really real. I have actual living kids in there” Joe marvelled. “I’m actually going to be a dad.” He was practically crying at that. “It’s going to be great Joe. You’re going to be great” you assured him.

Joe’s hands barely left your bump for days. He was determined not to miss anything while he was home, no matter how small. He was particularly excited about attending your next appointment now that you were going to find out the genders of your babies. Your twins weren’t identical, so both babies would need to be checked. You and Joe were both rather antsy as the ultrasound got underway. “Ok, we’re almost there” Doctor Baker told you, smiling at your obvious excitement. She peered at the screen for a minute. “So this one is Baby A, and it’s a boy.” You turned to Joe. “A boy!” he beamed, slightly glossy eyed. Your moment was broken by Doctor Baker clearing her throat. You turned your attention back to her. “I’ve found Baby B now, and it looks like…” You felt a flutter in your belly as you saw the baby turn away from you on the screen. “Well they’re not cooperating now,” the doctor went on, “but from what I saw before it looked like a boy too.” You and Joe were quiet as you digested the news. Two boys. Bloody hell. Your reverie was broken by Doctor Baker’s voice. “I feel I should warn you, with the ultrasound we can’t guarantee what we tell you is right, but I’m pretty confident about Baby A being a boy.” “You’re not confident about Baby B?” Joe asked her. “Not entirely, I didn’t get a very good look before they decided to hide.” “It’s fine” you assured her, wanting to get on with the appointment before Joe got worked up. Whatever happened, you’d deal with it when the time came.    

October

Joe spent quite a lot of October flying back and forth between work in LA and your home in New York. His shooting schedule turned out to involve a lot of three day breaks, just long enough for a quick visit home. You would have quite liked to spend most of them relaxing together, but Joe was determined to do as much baby preparation as possible while he was home, to save you the effort. He was thrilled to be having twin boys, and had dived into nursery set-up with gusto. He was determined to get the big things like the cribs sorted out nice and early, just in case. “You’re having twins, they’re likely to come early” he reminded you after you told him for the umpteenth time to relax. “They’re not due for months, Joe. Besides, the doctor said everything’s on track for January.” Your husband wouldn’t be persuaded. “Things can change very quickly. You never know when something might happen.” You stopped arguing the point when you realised he was never going to change his mind, and eventually Joe admitted he was doing it because he felt guilty about leaving you alone at home so much.

You weren’t actually alone very often though. There was Tallulah, of course, and plenty of your friends and family were dropping in regularly to check up on you (you suspected Joe might have told them how he worried about you). Joe’s mother was a frequent visitor, spurred by the desire to both help you and reassure her son. One afternoon you were sat with her drinking tea, not long after Joe had FaceTimed you. “So how was the daddy-to-be?” she asked. You smiled. “Same as usual. Annoyed he’s not here, missing us desperately.” Joe’s mother smiled affectionately. “Didn’t want to talk about work then.” “He never does” you told her. Suddenly Tallulah trotted up to the couch. “Did you say Daddy?” she asked eagerly. “We were talking about Joe, darling” you explained. Tallulah was confused. “But he’s not Daddy.” “He’s not” you agreed. “But he’s their daddy.” You patted your swollen belly, indicated Tallulah’s unborn siblings. “Oh.” Tallulah looked thoughtful; you wondered whether she understood. “Does that mean I have to call Joe Daddy when the babies come?” she finally asked. You smiled reassuringly. “Not if you don’t want to. But other people might” you explained. “Oh. Ok.” Tallulah looked unhappy at this development. “Could I make a suggestion?” Joe’s mum asked gently. “Loolah, do you remember how I told you Joe’s half-Italian?” Tallulah nodded. “Well the Italian word for daddy is ‘papa’. Maybe you could call him that instead?” “Papa…” Tallulah pronounced the word experimentally, testing how it sounded. Suddenly she smiled. “I like it!” She wasn’t the only one. Joe beamed when he heard her greet him with a happy “Hi Papa!” on FaceTime. We’re really a family now, aren’t we.

November

Joe had hoped his work schedule would continue to allow him frequent trips to see you, but it was not to be. He had one break before Thanksgiving, for a single day, which he spent alone in LA, desperately wishing he was home. As the weeks rolled on he was increasingly worried about how you were managing on your own. “I’m not on my own, Joe” you assured him down the phone. “Your mum visits twice a week, and Lucy texts me five times a day to check on me.” Lucy was coming to New York to spend Thanksgiving with Rami, and you were already making extensive plans to get together while she was in town. “I know she is, Rami told me” Joe grumbled. “I’m just worried that you’ll be alone with Tallulah and something’ll happen and I won’t be there to help.” His concern for you was evident in the tone of his voice. “Tallulah’s seven, babe, she’s perfectly capable of calling someone if we need help” you pointed out. “I suppose…” Joe sighed. “But what if they come early and I’m not there?” “You’re going to be back a month before they’re due, and even the doctor thinks they’re unlikely to come before Christmas.” Or so you thought.

Joe finally came home for Thanksgiving weekend, and the day after the holiday you had yet another appointment with Doctor Baker. Carrying twins meant you needed frequent checkups to make sure things continued to progress smoothly. This time you got some unexpected, and not entirely welcome, news. “So are you all ready for these guys to arrive?” the doctor asked pleasantly, while you were tidying yourself up after your examination. “Uh, kind of” you and Joe both stuttered. Doctor Baker looked slightly worried. “Well, I don’t want to alarm you, but I think you should be aware that realistically you could go into labour really any time from now on.” You were both shocked. “But isn’t it still too early?” you asked, suddenly scared. “I mean. I’m not due for another seven weeks.” Doctor Baker hurried to reassure you. “That’s true, and at this point it’s early enough that our first move would be to try and stop the labour, but that doesn’t always work.” You and Joe looked at each other with concern, not particularly reassured. “Look, I don’t think you’re going to go into labour tomorrow, and even if you did I would expect your babies to be absolutely fine” the doctor told you calmly. “But I would be prepared for them to arrive some time before Christmas.” “But that’s still three weeks early at least!” you spluttered. “Three weeks early is nearly full term” Doctor Baker said calmly. “And twins are very often born early. Not always, but it’s very common. In any case, I’m only telling you this because I think it would be a good idea if you started to make a plan now for what you want to happen when your babies do come. Just in case, you know. It never hurts to be prepared.” “Of course Doctor. Thanks for the advice” Joe replied, sounding calmer than he looked as you left the doctor’s office.

On your drive home Joe let the façade drop. “They can’t come yet, I’m about to be away for two weeks” he said, seemingly on the verge of panic. “And it’s still so early, what if one of them’s sick?” “They won’t be, Joe, we’re in good hands” you told him, not entirely believing it yourself. “Anyway, we definitely need to make a plan. I don’t want them to come while you’re not here either, but I’d much rather be at least somewhat prepared if they do.” “You’re right” Joe sighed. “When we get home we’ll work something out.”

In the end the plan you came up with mostly involved going to the hospital and ringing Joe as soon as possible so he could get on the next plane home. “What if I don’t get there in time though?” He fretted. “I’ll make sure to record it for you” you reassured him. “But they’re my first kids, I want to be there. I’m supposed to go through it with you!” You wrapped your arms around him in an attempt to comfort him. “I know, darling, I want you with me too. But sometimes life doesn’t give you what you want, and that’s ok.” Joe shook his head. “No it’s not. I don’t want to be that dad who wasn’t even there when his kids were born.” “You could never be that dad, Joe” you reassured him, pulling him close. “If you do end up missing it, it won’t be your fault at all.” Your husband suddenly peered intently at you. “How are you so calm about this?” “Last time I had a baby I had absolutely no way of knowing if the father would be there, and neither did he” you pointed out. “As much as he wanted to be there, neither of us had any control over it. This time we do, and I know you’ll move heaven and earth to get here in time if it comes down to it.” Joe still wasn’t entirely soothed, but he at least had faith you would be alright, whatever happened.

The knowledge that the babies could come at any time made Joe more worried than ever about leaving you alone while he was on the other side of the country. Fortunately, your wonderful friends were more than happy to step in when they were informed of the situation. Lucy was staying in New York until New Year’s, so she organised to visit you every day she could while Joe was away, and she promised to send Rami on the days she couldn’t. She even volunteered to be your hospital buddy if necessary. Ben also happily offered support, though of a slightly different kind.

“Uh, babe, would you be okay with a houseguest while I’m away?” Joe asked you at dinner, the night before he was due to fly back to LA. “Depends who it is” you said casually. “Why?” “Ben’s in town for press next week, and we thought maybe he could stay here, help you with Loolah til I get back.” That would be helpful. “How long’s he here for?” you inquired. “Two weeks, we’re gonna hang out for a couple days when he’s done working” Joe explained. “When’s he get here?” “Monday week” Joe told you. I’d only have to spend a week alone while Joe’s not here. You smiled. “Okay then.” Relief swept over Joe’s face. “Oh good. I feel a lot better about leaving you now I know you won’t be alone” he told you. “In the meantime I’m telling them they’re to stay put until you’re home again” you said firmly.        

December

True to her word, Lucy had visited you nearly every day after Joe returned to LA. The first day after Joe left turned out to be the one day she wasn’t free, so Rami dropped in to check on you instead. He insisted it was no trouble, despite his busy schedule. “I had a day off today, I wasn’t busy” he told you, after you thanked him for making time to see you. “Anyway, I’m always here for you and Joe. Me and Lucy. If you need anything, honestly, just call us, anytime. Even the middle of the night, we won’t mind. Seriously, we’re here to help however we can.” “Thanks, Rami” you murmured, hearing the sincerity in his words.

The first week without Joe passed surprisingly quickly, and before you knew it the day of Ben’s arrival was upon you. You were looking forward to having some adult company, but you were slightly nervous too. You’d never spent any substantial time alone with Ben, and now he was going to be sharing your house for a fortnight. Tallulah, on the other hand, was extremely excited about one of her favourite people coming to stay. So excited, in fact, that she tried to stay home from school to be there when he arrived. You eventually won the battle, but the whole process of getting her to school tired you out so much that you spent a lot of the morning napping on your couch. You awoke to the telltale sound of a car in the driveway, and waddled as fast as you could to the front door, opening it just in time to see a cab disgorge Ben, a large suitcase and two other bags.

Ben smiled when he saw you in the doorway. “Y/N!” he called out happily. “Don’t come out, I can sort myself. Go and sit down, I won’t be long.” You made agreeing noises, realising you wouldn’t be much help with anything in your present state. Besides, you were officially banned from heavy lifting, you wouldn’t even be able to help carry something. Several minutes of shuffling and yelling directions up and down your stairs later, Ben was settled into your guest room. When he came downstairs again he was smiling warmly. “It really is good to see you again, love.” “You too” you agreed. Ben’s eyes went wide when he finally got a good look at you, and your enormous bump. “God, you’re…” He trailed off, looking apologetic. “Go on, say it. It’s fine” you assured him. “Well then, you’re kind of huge. Joe’s told me about the bump, hell he’s even shown me pictures, but seeing the real thing… how do you even get that big and not, like, break?” “With great difficulty” you quipped. You weren’t offended by Ben’s honest reaction, you knew he was just a bit shocked.

Five minutes later you were sat on the couch nursing a cup of tea while Ben made himself a coffee. You were quite grateful to be sitting down as the monsters were suddenly restless. “I’m done here, do you want anything else?” Ben called from the kitchen. “I’m good” you called back. Ben returned to the couch to see you holding your tea rather gingerly while looking uncomfortable. “Are you alr- … what is that?” His eyes widened when he glanced at your bump and realised it was moving. You smiled reassuringly. “They’re just kicking. D’you wanna feel?” Ben grinned eagerly. “Yeah! If that’s ok with you?” “Of course it is. C’mere.” He’s so lovely. Half the planet doesn’t even bother asking before touching the bump. You placed his hand over the spot the babies were kicking at. His jaw dropped at the feeling. “That’s so weird! It must be weirder for you though, feeling that from inside.” You grinned. “It is a bit, but it’s sort of reassuring too, getting to feel that they’re still there, still ok.” Ben smiled. “Well it seems pretty cool to me.” You grinned back. “Oh, it’s very cool.” 

Tallulah was very excited to come home and find Ben waiting for her. “Benny!” She yelled, running over to embrace him. “Loolah!” He cried back. “You’ve grown so much since I saw you, you’re getting so big!” He gushed. “I heard you’re going to be a big sister soon too.” She nodded seriously. “Mommy’s having two babies. That’s why she’s so big.” Ben smiled. “I heard. Now come into the lounge room, I’ve got a present for you.” He smiled at you on the way past. “I’ve got a present for Mummy too.”

Ben had brought your daughter a kid’s cricket set, complete with plastic wickets. “She’s English, she shouldn’t be playing bloody softball” he quipped. “Also Gwilym may have told me I have to save her before she goes native.” You just laughed. For you, Ben had brought over a big jar of marmite and two large packs of Jaffa Cakes. “Joe told me you’d been craving them” he explained. You were surprised. “Joe talks to you guys about pregnancy stuff?” Ben smiled exasperatedly. “Mate, he hardly shuts up about it.” You smiled affectionately. “Not that it’s not cute how excited he is,” Ben said hurriedly, “but he’s barely talked about anything else for months.” Okay, I can see how that could get annoying. Still adorable though. 

Ben slotted surprisingly easily into the routines of your household. He was out working or socialising at various times of the day or night, but when he was home he was an excellent guest. He took Tallulah to and from school as often as possible, knowing leaving the house was fast becoming a big effort for you. He also insisted on doing as much housework as he could, helping you with washing, cooking and cleaning whenever he had time. “Joe’d have my head if he thought I’d left you to do everything in your condition” Ben joked one day, after you’d told him for the umpteenth time you were fine to do light chores. You didn’t particularly mind, if you were really honest, you actually quite liked having an extra adult around.

Joe finally came home in the second week of December. You shared a very long hug in the doorway when he finally made it home. He nearly cried with relief when he saw you. Of course he’d already known that you were ok before he left LA, but he’d spent two weeks worrying about what ifs, not to mention the several interminable hours he spent unable to talk to you on the plane. “If we ever have another I’m staying home the whole time, I never want to deal with that much worry again” he declared later. That night Ben had dinner at home with the three of you. Joe had wanted to go out, but he took one look at your expression when he suggested it and immediately changed his mind. During the meal he took a picture with Ben, which he posted to Instagram with the caption ‘Finally reunited.’ Naturally, his comments exploded in minutes, but he was too focused on catching up with both of you to care. 

You were so looking forward to spending a few days just relaxing with Joe now that he was finally home. But apparently your children had other plans. The very next morning you lurched awake at 5am with a sharp pain in your belly. You didn't think much of it initially, you'd been having all sorts of pains on and off for weeks. Then you realised you were lying in a wet patch. Well shit. "Joe." You tried to shake your husband awake gently. "Joe, wake up." "What?" he groaned, still mostly asleep. "I think my waters broke" you said urgently. He lurched upright. "It's go time? Even though it’s still five weeks early?" he asked, suddenly awake. "Looks like it" you said dryly. Joe leapt out of bed, looking frantic. "Shit. Ok. We need to get the bag, and get dressed, and-" "Joe, calm down. There's no need to rush, we've got plenty of time" you reassured your frantic husband. He immediately stopped babbling. "Well, you're the expert." You smiled. "Help me get dressed?" you requested. "Of course babe." Joe's eyes were soft and loving as he spoke. It took only a few minutes for you both to be ready to leave the house. But you had a couple more things to attend to before you could head to the hospital.

First Joe helped you across the landing to the guest bedroom currently occupied by Ben. He entered quietly with you waddling behind him. "Ben" he whispered urgently, nudging his friend, "Ben, come on." It didn't work, so Joe reached across to hit him gently with a spare pillow. "Ben!" Ben rolled over, groaning, only to snap awake at the sight of the two of you leaning over his bed. "What, what's going on?" he asked, concerned. "The babies are coming" Joe explained. "We have to go to the hospital." "Perfect timing" Ben quipped. "Yeah, if this had happened this time yesterday you’d have been driving me" you joked. "Look, I’m pretty glad this guys held off until now" Joe cut in. "But anyway, I know you're here for work but can you do us a huge favour and watch Tallulah today?" he added, pleading a little with his eyes. Ben smiled. "Of course I can. I think I'm actually free today anyway" the blond man told you both. "Great!" you smiled. "Now brace yourself, she's probably going to come and jump on you after we wake her." "So make sure you're decent under there" Joe added, as he helped you out of the room. Ben just groaned. It was too early in the day for humour. 

You had one more stop before leaving. Tallulah's room. "Loolie?" you said quietly, reaching over from the chair next to her bed. "Mommy?" she replied in surprise, peering at you sleepily. "It's ok darling, I just wanted to tell you the babies are coming today" you reassured her. "Today?" Tallulah echoed. "Yes, darling. Joe's taking me to the hospital in a minute" you told her gently. "Ben's going to stay and look after you, so be good for him, okay?" you instructed. "Yes Mommy" she murmured back. "Ok, big sister, I'll see you later" you said happily, leaning over to hug your daughter. "I love you" you whispered into her wavy blonde hair. "Love you Mommy" she whispered back. You felt oddly emotional as you kissed her goodbye and left the room. Next time I see her she'll be a big sister.  

You managed to stay calm while Joe helped you into the car. But almost as soon as you started moving you burst into tears. "You ok?" Joe asked casually. Your weird moods were nothing exceptional any more. "Mostly" you told him. "It's just hit me as we were leaving that Tallulah's not going to be my only child after today" you explained. "That's a good thing, though, isn't it?" he replied, concerned. "Of course it is" you assured him. "It's just that, it was just me and her for so long, and even after you came along we were so close, and now it's not going to be like that any more" you explained, rather sadly. "Babe, you're not going to lose your bond with Loolah just because you've got other kids to raise" Joe reassured you. "I mean, it's going to be different now, but a good different, right?" "Yeah, good different" you agreed. "Plus, she's so pumped to be a big sister, it's gonna be so cute" he told you, smiling. 

It was fairly quick, in the end. You had wondered whether Doctor Baker would attempt to stop the labour, but she told you the best option at this point was to let it happen. “You’re far enough along that your babies are more or less fully developed, even though they’re not quite full term” she assured you. “They’re very healthy, they’ll be perfectly fine.” She also gave you an injection soon after you arrived at the hospital to help the babies’ lungs develop. I don’t think it’ll have much time to work, but I suppose even a little bit helps.

Joe stayed at your side for almost the entire labour, holding your hand, rubbing your back and doing anything and everything you needed him to. Finally, just before noon, the first baby arrived. "Here he is!" Doctor Baker called out, as his piercing cries filled the room. You were flooded with relief when you heard it. His lungs must be ok then. Joe sniffled as he cut the cord, and then there was a sudden flurry of activity on the other side of the room as various people descended to check the baby over, concerned about the potential consequences of his early birth. The doctor had told you earlier that a team from the NICU would be present to check both babies immediately after delivery, but you couldn’t help worrying at the sight of the crowd around your tiny son. He was only five weeks early, but what if something was wrong? Fortunately, nobody in the room seemed overly concerned so far.

Moments later, calm descended, and a nurse came over to you, carrying your son in a loose blanket. "He’s a bit small, but he’s totally healthy” she told you, smiling. “You want to help keep him warm while we wait for the other baby?" she asked. You shook your head. "Dad gets first go" you told her, smiling. Joe was wide-eyed with wonder as she placed his baby on his exposed chest for skin-to-skin bonding, showing him how to support his son's body correctly. "Hey buddy" he murmured, in a sing-song voice. His overjoyed face when he looked over to you, barely holding back happy tears, was a memory you would treasure forever. "We have a son babe" he marvelled. "I have a son."

You smiled, then suddenly groaned. "I think we're about to have another o-aaargghhh!" "Alright Y/N, time to push again" Doctor Baker said brightly. Well duh. You could have slapped her if she'd been in reach. But then you looked back at Joe, happily cradling your son on his chest, while trying to hold your hand at the same time and looking desperately conflicted, and you suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of calm wash over you. It was strangely grounding as you gathered your remaining strength. Doctor Baker started gently talking you through the process, but your energy was rapidly running out. "Almost there Y/N, one more push now" she instructed you. "I can't do it any more," you cried, "I'm too tired." "You're so close now, just one more push" the doctor encouraged. "I can't" you cried again, shaking your head. Suddenly Joe squeezed your hand. "Babe, look at me" he said, voice low and soft. You turned to see him wearing an expression that was somehow adoring and determined at the same time. "I know you're tired, but you're so so close to the finish line. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, I know you can do this" he told you encouragingly. "Ok" you replied in a small voice. Joe smiled at you adoringly. "Now let's go. I'm right here with you." You gripped his hand tightly as you summoned one final effort. Moments later crying rang out through the room once again.

"Well done Y/N, you did it… oh, and it's a girl!" Doctor Baker announced. "What?!" you and Joe yelled simultaneously. "You said they were boys!" he spluttered, utterly shocked as he leant over to cut the cord again. You were rapidly becoming too exhausted to care much. The doctor was unfazed. "Well, I was wrong" she responded calmly. "Ultrasounds can be tricky to read sometimes, especially with twins. But I made a mistake, and I'm sorry about that." "It's ok" you replied. Joe still looked indignant, but at that moment a nurse came and placed your tiny daughter on your chest. His expression softened immediately, and he quickly broke into happy tears. "One of each" he sniffled, gazing between his newborn children. "We've got one of each now." You just smiled contentedly. "Yeah we do." Joe leaned over to kiss you gently. “You’re amazing honey, you really are. I love you so much.” You smiled contentedly at him “I love you too dear.”

You could have stayed there forever, you thought, just gazing at the two little beings you’d created. They would need to go to NICU soon, but they were breathing well and doing everything they were supposed to, so you were given some time to bond first. You spent the first half hour enjoying first cuddles and skin-to-skin time. You were actually encouraged to go skin-to-skin as much as possible to help the babies regulate their body temperatures. You were hardly complaining though. Joe eventually got out his phone to take some photos of you and the twins. You were very pleased you managed to capture some of him too, especially the heartwarming expression on his face when he did skin-to-skin with both babies at once for the first time. Soon after he took a similar picture of you, which he promptly sent to Ben to announce the birth. “Couldn’t resist, sorry. You just look so happy.” “So do you” you told Joe, grinning. He smiled. “I feel ridiculously happy right now.” Thirty seconds later Joe’s phone buzzed. “Ben says congratulations” he told you. “Oh, and he’s told Tallulah. He wants to know if he can bring her in to meet them yet.” Joe looked at you with concern. “Should we let him? Will they be ok?” he asked nervously. “Joe, they’re basically fine” you reassured him. “I’m sure the doctor would have told us if visitors weren’t allowed.” You smiled. “Tell him to head in. It’ll be nicer for Loolie to see them now anyway, before they go in the incubators.” Three minutes later Ben texted again saying they were on their way, and you and Joe spent a few minutes making yourselves presentable before settling in to wait.

Suddenly a pair of blond heads poked through the door. "Are you ready for a visitor?" Ben asked, smiling gently. "Definitely" Joe smiled. Ben stepped aside to reveal Tallulah, who rushed into the room with a happy cry. Joe stopped her just inside the door. "We need to be quiet and gentle, okay? The babies are delicate, we don't want to hurt them by accident" he explained. "Ok" Tallulah nodded gravely. Joe led her to your bed, where the babies were resting against your chest. "Hello Mommy" she said quietly. "Hi Loolie" you replied. "You're a big sister darling!" you told her happily. "Come and sit next to me so you can see them." "Ok" Tallulah beamed. There was a bit of awkward shuffling while Joe arranged a chair for her. During this interlude you glanced up to see Ben lurking at the door to your room. "You're allowed to come in, you know" you commented. "Oh, I don't want to intrude…" he muttered, slightly embarrassed. "You could never" Joe reassured his friend. Ben smiled at that. "Well, if you're sure…" "Yes" you and Joe insisted simultaneously. "Come on, I'll grab you a seat" Joe added, trotting off immediately.

You turned your attention back to Tallulah, now sat near your head. "Darling, this is your brother Joey" you told her, pointing to the baby on the right. "And this" you added, indicating the other baby, "is your sister. She doesn't have a name yet." Tallulah's face lit up at this news. "I have a brother and a sister? Cool!" You had to smile at how pleased she was. "Wait, she's a girl? I thought they were both boys" Ben chimed in, from his spot facing Tallulah's chair. "Yeah, so did we" Joe quipped. "It was a nice surprise though" he added, voice softening enormously. You smiled quietly to yourself for a brief moment, before Tallulah's voice broke through your reverie. "Can I hold them Mommy?" "Of course" you smiled. "Who do you want to hold first?" 

You had expected Tallulah might be extra pleased to have a sister, but she was equally entranced by both babies, evidently thrilled just to have siblings of her own. She seemed very comfortable holding them too, despite Joe’s nervous hovering and many reminders to “be gentle, they’re delicate.” Clearly she was a natural big sister. Ben, too, looked like a natural with a newborn in his arms, even if he was a little freaked out by just how small your babies were. "He's so little" he cooed, after being handed Joey by Tallulah, who was now gently cuddling her new sister. "Seriously, I don't think I've seen a baby this tiny before, and I've definitely never held one." "You're not nervous are you?" you asked half-seriously. "Little bit" Ben admitted. "I'm worried I'll accidentally hurt him cos he seems so fragile." Joe smiled reassuringly. "You're doing great, man" he told his friend. "They actually are kinda small though, even for newborns. But you’ll be fine, don’t worry about it." You thought both babies did look particularly tiny against Ben's muscly frame, but you said nothing. Joe, though, snapped a very sweet picture of Ben holding your daughter on his phone. “I have to preserve this image for posterity” he told you. Ben took some pictures too, after he handed the babies back to you and Joe. Your favourite was the shot he got of your whole family, gazing adoringly at its newest members. "You look so happy, guys" he commented, showing you the picture afterwards. You and Joe smiled contentedly at him. "We are" you replied. And you were.

You were well enough to be released after three nights in hospital. The twins, however, were required to stay in NICU for a few more days. “It’s mainly for observation” their doctor told you. “They’re doing very well, we just want to be sure there’s no issues before we let them go home.” You were reassured there were no concerns about your babies’ health, but it didn’t make it any easier to be forcibly separated from them, even if it was only when you went home at night.

The many hours spent watching over the twins in NICU proved somewhat useful, as you and Joe were now faced with the unexpected dilemma of choosing a name for your newborn daughter. You’d agreed long ago that your first son would be officially named after Joe, though you’d decided to nickname him Joey to avoid confusion. But discussions about girls’ names hadn’t gone very far before you’d been given the impression you were having twin boys. Since that impression had turned out to be incorrect, you were now facing an uphill battle to agree on a name for your little girl.

"Madison?" Joe suggested. "No. Too American" you responded instantly. “You do realise she is American?” Joe pointed out. You didn’t particularly care. “Only half. Anyway I don’t like the name. Any other ideas?” "Fine” Joe huffed. “Uh, Amy?” You considered it for a moment. “Amy Mazzello. Mhmm, maybe.” “Maybe?” Joe spluttered. “Well what’ve you got then?” “Matilda?” You offered. “I don’t like it” Joe replied. “Way too English. And, Matilda Mazzello?” “Yeah, that doesn’t sound great” you conceded. “Ooh I know! Poet” Joe suggested. You didn’t like it. “God no. We’re not Hollywood hippies, Joe” “You totally are a hippy” he snorted. You quirked your eyebrows. “What makes you say that?” “Uh, you called your first kid Tallulah Rainbow?” he pointed out. “Tallulah is a perfectly respectable name!” You protested. “Besides, the Rainbow part came from her father, not me.” “That… kind of makes sense” Joe conceded. “Still a bit hippy though.” “It’s really not” you grumbled, explaining the significance of the Rainbow Theatre in Tallulah’s life story. “Actually, that’s quite sweet” Joe admitted. Nevertheless, you and Joe were still struggling to find any names you both liked.

In the end, the solution arrived from a rather unexpected source: miss Tallulah Rainbow herself. “Amber” she suggested, when you asked if she had any name ideas to offer her sister. “Amber…” you and Joe considered. “Amber Mazzello…” “I like that” Joe told you. “So do I” you agreed. Joe feigned shock. “We both like it? I don’t believe it!” “Oh shut up” you grumped. “Anyway, do we want to try and find a middle name we can agree on, or just give her one name and be done with it?” “Actually, I was hoping we could slot in a Queen reference somewhere” Joe admitted. “I was thinking maybe her middle name could be Mercury?” “That’s such a cool name” Ben interjected. “It is” you agreed. “So, Amber Mercury Mazzello?” Joe suggested, carefully sounding out the full name for the first time. “Amber Mercury Mazzello” you repeated. “I love it.” 

You felt bad for messing up Ben's plans, but you could also see that having him around was an utter godsend while the twins were still in hospital. Despite supposedly being in town for work, he spent a lot of that week looking after Tallulah and generally being helpful around the house. This had the dual benefit of freeing you and Joe to spend most of your time with the twins, and ensuring Tallulah didn’t feel too left out in all the chaos. Ben did end up having to cancel a couple of interviews, but he didn’t mind too much. “They were group interviews, the rest of the cast still went, it’s fine” he assured you over dinner one night. "Besides, one of them was with Screenstuff, so I’m quite happy to have missed that." “With Marcie?” Joe asked, in a very sympathetic tone. “Yep” Ben replied. “Uhh, Screenstuff?” You asked. “Entertainment website. Marcie’s their main movie reporter and she’s… not the brightest” Joe explained. “Has a really obvious thing for Ben too.” You were confused. “Is… is that a bad thing?” “It is when I’m trying to promote a project and my body is all they ask about” Ben clarified. “Apparently she got all miffed when I didn’t turn up today, said half her questions were for me” he told Joe. Joe whistled. “Bet that went down well.” A sudden thought occurred to you. “You didn’t tell them where you were, did you?” you asked frantically. “Only the other cast members, and they didn’t tell anyone” he assured you. “They just told the reporters I was sick, no one’s going to work it out, don’t worry.” You were very relieved, seeing as no-one outside your immediate circle knew the babies had arrived yet, and you wanted to keep it that way at least until they were out of hospital. 

Finally, the big day arrived. The twins were finally released from hospital after six days in NICU. Joe was a bundle of nervous excitement as he very carefully placed them in their carseats and drove you all home. The excitement seemed to win out for most of the day, until you put both babies down for an afternoon nap. As you sank gratefully onto the couch, you noticed Joe staring into space with a rather stricken expression. “What’s up, love?” “It just hit me a minute ago…” he mumbled. “What just hit you?” You had a hunch about what was bothering him, but you wanted to hear him say it. “I just realised I’m now responsible for two whole human beings for the rest of my life, and I’m freaked out” he told you. “Like, I’m super happy that they’re here and they’re healthy and they’re ours, but…” You smiled gently. “I know you are, dear, I am too.” Joe suddenly looked at you with confusion. “Wait, why aren’t you freaking out right now?” “Been here before,” you said airily, “I’m still a little freaked out, I just knew it was coming.” You paused. “Plus, it’s less scary this time” you added. “It’s not so new and different, and I’ve got you.” Joe smiled at that. “Indeed you do. You’re not slightly terrified by having two though?” You waved a hand. “We’ll manage. There’s two of them, but there’s two of us too.”

Joe was slightly startled the following afternoon when he picked up his phone and realised he hadn’t even looked at Instagram in nearly a week. “It’s so weird” he muttered, scrolling through everything he’d missed. You wondered what he’d seen. “What’s weird?” “It feels like my whole world’s… shifted since I got home, but on Instagram everything seems exactly the same” he explained. “Even my Insta looks like I’ve just been hanging out with Ben all week, but I’ve barely seen him.” “Everyone knows Insta’s mostly not real life” you reassured him. “Yeah,” Joe agreed, “but this is such a huge thing in my life and it’s not there at all.” “Well, if you wanna announce it, feel free. We’ve told all our friends and families now anyway” you pointed out. Joe grinned excitedly. “You’re ready to tell the world about them?” “Absolutely.”

Joe agonised over his baby announcement post. In the end he picked a picture you’d taken of him with the twins dozing on his chest. He posted it with a lengthy caption: ‘So this week I was supposed to be relaxing with Ben… Instead I spent most of it at the hospital since these guys decided to make their entrance last Saturday, five weeks early. Everyone’s healthy, they just needed a bit of time to adjust to life earthside. Anyway, meet my new favourite people: Joseph Francis IV (but we’re calling him Joey) and Amber Mercury (she’s in the dino onesie) Mazzello. Also my wife is amazing and I love her so much more than I can ever express.’ Gwilym very quickly commented ‘So incredibly happy for all of you. Can’t wait to get over and meet these cuties!’ Lucy just posted a line of heart eyes emojis. Later on Brian left a lengthy note. ‘Delighted to hear these two arrived safe and healthy, if a bit ahead of schedule. Hopefully everyone’s adjusting well to their new roles. Huge congratulations and warmest wishes to you all. Bri’. Even Ben eventually chimed in: ‘They’ve stolen my man but they’re so cute I’m not even mad.’    

The next day you got a rude shock, when you realised that despite the lavishly decorated tree in your lounge room you and Joe had entirely forgotten Christmas was nearly upon you. By the time you remembered it was only a week away. “There’s so much to do” you fretted to Joe. “We’ve got to wrap everything and do cards and… shit, two of our kids don’t even have any presents yet.” “They’re a week old, I don’t think they’re gonna care” your husband tried to reassure you. It didn’t help. “But it’s their first Christmas, they’ve got to have something” you insisted. Joe smiled reassuringly. “Well in that case, I’d better go shopping tomorrow” he declared, kissing you gently.

Joe went out alone the next day. But he had a surprise for you. “You were worried about getting everything sorted in time, so I’ve called in reinforcements” he told you as he was leaving. You quirked an eyebrow. “Reinforcements?” “Lucy’s coming over later to help you out” he explained. It wasn’t the solution you’d been expecting, but it turned out to be a good one. With Lucy’s help you made surprisingly quick work of your to-do list, and by the time Joe got home the house was tastefully decorated and there was a small pile neatly wrapped presents under the tree. She even helped Tallulah bake and ice some Christmas biscuits for you all. Her reward was some time spent cooing over your sleepy newborns. “They’re beautiful, lovie!” All in all, everyone ended the day satisfied. 

Christmas Day was fairly peaceful in the end. You enjoyed a relaxing morning opening gifts at home ahead of Christmas dinner with Joe’s family. You and Joe had agreed not to go overboard on presents this year, knowing you’d have a lot of other things going on at Christmastime. But Joe did manage to sneak in a small surprise for you. “From Joey and Amber” he said, handing over one last parcel with a soft smile. You delicately undid the wrapping to uncover a framed copy of the picture Ben had taken of the five of you in hospital the day the twins were born. “Oh, it’s lovely!” you gushed, leaning over to hug Joe. “Thank you.” “Don’t thank me, they got it for you” he replied, grinning. You smiled. “You must have helped though.” “That I did” Joe agreed. “Well thank you for helping them” you told him, leaning in for a chaste kiss. “You’re the best.”

Joe’s family were very excited about meeting the twins, of course, but Tallulah had a lot of fun too, playing with her cousins and generally enjoying all the little treats of the day. You were glad to see her having fun; you’d been worried she might end up feeling a bit left out in all the fuss over her new siblings. She was very disappointed when you had to leave soon after the meal to get the babies home before their bedtime but she seemed happy enough to spend the rest of the evening watching movies and enjoying her presents.

Your family spent Boxing Day largely doing as little as possible. As always everyone was a bit flat after the excitement of Christmas Day. Except for Tallulah, who was very much looking forward to seeing Roger the next day. He arrived in the afternoon, and came to your house almost immediately to take Tallulah out for afternoon tea. You could tell by the way she was beaming when they returned that she had enjoyed the individual attention. Her expression seemed to highlight her resemblance to her father. Roger was slightly startled when he noticed. “Gosh, I’d never realised how much she takes after me.” “She looks more like you every day lately” you told him. “She’s grown up so much since I saw her last” Roger mused. “Well she is a big sister now” you pointed out. He smiled. “Ah yes. How’s she going with that, by the way?” “Very well, actually” you replied. “I was expecting her to be a bit jealous, but so far she just adores the twins. She loves holding them. Even got them Christmas presents.” Roger smiled with pride. “Well that’s good to hear. Hopefully the adoration continues.” You weren’t convinced it would but you still smiled. “Yeah, hopefully.” 

Roger had booked into a hotel, but he still stayed at your house until well past dinnertime every day of his visit. Tallulah was clearly very appreciative of the time with her father, even if she didn’t say it out loud. The days of Roger’s trip sped by, and suddenly it was New Year’s Eve, again. The day held many happy memories for you, but this year was going to be very different. Joe had called off his traditional party, knowing none of you had the energy for a late night. Instead, you were having a sort of open house afternoon to give all your friends an opportunity to meet Joey and Amber at a time that was easy for your family. Adjusting to looking after twin newborns was exhausting enough without trying to find the energy to organise visits every other day. Of course a few of your close friends had dropped in already, but they were a select group amongst your wider acquaintance.

You were amazed at just how many people showed up to meet the twins and have some lunch with you. Even Gwilym made an appearance. “Surprise!” he declared, grinning widely. “I had some time off, and I’ve been dying to see you all, so here I am.” He was amazed when he got his first glimpse of the twins. “Christ, I thought Ben was exaggerating when he told me how tiny they were.” “Would you believe they’ve already grown since Ben saw them?” Joe asked, beaming with pride. To be fair, they did still look ridiculously small in Gwilym’s arms. “They’re not that tiny now, are they?” Joe asked you in an undertone, as you both watched Gwilym enjoying his first cuddles. You smiled reassuringly. “They’re still a bit on the small side. But Gwil is also a bloody tree of a man, he’s making them look even smaller.” Joe laughed at that. 

Gwilym stayed all afternoon, helping here and there and generally enjoying some rare time with Joe. His relaxed mood seemed to have spread throughout your house that day, though the energy lifted considerably when Rami and Lucy finally arrived. Naturally Gwilym was thrilled to see them both, and they spent a long time lounging on your couches catching up. People gradually started to leave as the afternoon wore on, and eventually they were the only guests left other than Roger. Lucy smiled when she noticed this.

“Now that we’re alone, lovies, we’ve got something for you” she declared. Rami gently handed over a bulging gift bag. “Christmas presents. From all of us” he said softly. You started to protest but he waved it away. “Just open them. There’s something for all of you in there.” Indeed there was. The bag held a number of packages, each containing part of a matching set of red baseball shirts, made to look like the D-backs uniform from Undrafted. Yours and Tallulah’s had your surname on the back; the others were labelled Mazzello. Two of these were very small, although closer to toddler than newborn size. Rami looked apologetic. “That was the smallest we could get.” “Rami, they’re perfect” you reassured him. “They really are” Joe chimed in, sounding rather emotional. “Thanks man.” Lucy smiled. “I told him the important thing was that they matched.” You glanced at Joe, wondering why he was so incredibly touched by the gift. “You’re all on my team” he explained, before you could even open your mouth to speak. “You’re my family, even if you don’t all have my name, you’re all mine.” You smiled. “Honey, of course we’re yours. We’re your team.”    

You were still cuddling Joe when Roger suddenly appeared next to you carrying a couple of parcels. “I brought you a little something too” he said sheepishly. “The top one’s from Brian, by the way.” Joe looked surprised. “Brian sent us a baby gift?” Roger smiled. “Of course. That’s what friends do, you know.” Brian had given the twins a stuffed badger and a fluffy hedgehog. “Just a little reminder of their roots” the card said. You and Joe both laughed. “Brian and his hedgehogs. Typical.” Roger’s parcel contained a pair of onesies. One had a photo of John Deacon printed on the front, while the other featured Freddie Mercury. “I heard her middle name and I just couldn’t resist” he said, grinning mischievously. Joe grinned back. “Thanks Roger, they’re perfect.”

Midnight on New Year’s Eve. In years past you’d enjoyed the ritual of sitting up to watch the fireworks, or going out somewhere in search of a New Year’s kiss. This year, though, all you really wanted was to get some sleep. But of course the twins had other ideas. In the end, midnight found you and Joe sat together on the rocking chair, each soothing a baby back to sleep. Joe’s loving gaze suddenly shifted from his children to you. "Thank you" he said softly. "For what?" you asked. "I always wanted a wife, and kids, but before I met you I was starting to wonder if it would ever happen for me" he explained. "And now you've given me both in a single year." "I suppose I have" you mused. "So, thank you. For giving me everything I've dreamed of" Joe said, kissing you gently. "I love you so, so much." You smiled back. "I love you too, babe." You were both quiet as you tenderly set the twins back in their cribs. “It’s been a good year, hasn’t it?” you mused, as you and Joe returned to your bedroom. “It’s gonna be a hard one to top” Joe agreed. “It’s been magnificent.” And the best part was, it was only the beginning.

*******************************************************************************************

A/N 2: This is really the end for these guys now, and I’m a little bit sad about that. I’ve got one Tallulah oneshot I want to finish (there’s lots of Freddie in it, it’s a lot of fun) and then I’m going to take a break from this universe (for now anyway) and work on my ‘possible Freddie Mercury descendant’ story. At this point I’m planning on keeping it as a oneshot, but I’ll see how I go. Hopefully it doesn’t take as long as this one did!

Taglist: (send me an ask or dm if you want to be taken off) 

@wandering-at-midnight @fruityfreddie @trumanjo @ohmygoditsanthonyedwardstark @itsametaphorbriansblog @theedwardscollection @bookish-oreo @simplyvictoria-93 @kotoamor @j1224 @closertothesunwhenimwithyou @florenceivy @jennyggggrrr 

(line through means the tag didn’t work)

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 21

Chapter Summary -  Six weeks have passed without contact and Tom hears the song Ain't No Sunshine, and only one person comes to mind, he looks at Danielle's Facebook page and comes to a small discovery, but he only knows half the story. When Benedict rings him up to vent his frustration, he finds out even more about Danielle and her recent work; but Benedict is not as negative about his feelings for her as Luke was.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

So apparently Irlam is the stunt co-ordinator for Game of Throne at present but was not for War Horse or The Hollow Crown, but hey, this is fiction, so we can bend the rules a little.

Also, I read before Benedict was having issues with his home and a boiler that was causing an issue with the neighbours, I am not so weird as to Google if that has been sorted.

So we'll just suspend belief a little, okay?

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog  @jessibelle-nerdy-mum @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

Ain’t no Sunshine when she’s gone

Tom found himself humming along to the song that was currently playing on his radio as he finished rinsing the protein shaker under the tap, cursing that he had to bulk up for another role, hating the long, strenuous process. As he began to sing the lyrics, a face came to his mind and he stopped singing; Danielle. He had not heard from her since he had left his mother’s six weeks before, he had not had the courage to ask her what happened with Paul, nor had he the restraint to hold back when she would inevitably tell him that she had forgiven him and taken him back. His curiosity getting the better of him, he went onto her Facebook page, hoping to see something there. Danielle was not the sort of woman to put up a hundred photos of her life or to put posts that cryptically made reference to her relationships, so he knew whatever it was he would find would be accurate. What he saw made him swallow hard.

There were several photos of her in a city, it wasn’t London, but familiar enough for him to recognise places, then one photo really caught his attention, a picture of her outside a football stadium and the caption ‘The place responsible for Wayne Rooney, level it’ and he recognised it immediately as Manchester. She was smiling happily and laughing in the photos, but all that went through his mind was the fact that someone had to be holding the camera, and only one person came to mind for that.

He was about to click off and throw his phone onto the sofa when a notification came up that she had changed her profile picture. As though wanting to have his heart torn from his chest, he clicked on it, wincing as he looked. It was her, sitting on what appeared to be the Iron Throne from Game of Thrones. Her caption was simply ‘Bow down, Bitches’ and in it, he realised there was a few people tagged in the photo, all of whom he had never heard her mention before, but one name, he recognised. He clicked on it and realised he knew the man from his time on The Hollow Crown and War Horse, he was the stunt coordinator, Rowley Irlam, frowning, he wondered how Danielle had come to befriend him. A post on Rowley’s page caught his eye and he stared at the photo of Danielle, who had her arm around Rowley and another woman, all three smiling into the camera, the drinks on the table in front of them telling him it was some form of party; the caption caught his attention somewhat, ‘The newest member of the Behind The Scene geniuses that makes this great production possible, our new Safety Officer, Danielle Hughes, Keep us safe Danni.’ Tom stared at the words in front of him, ‘Safety Officer’ when had this happened, why did he not know about it? His mother and sister never mentioned anything, and usually, they were the first to discuss anything interesting in Danielle’s life.

He was about to ring his mum when his phone lit up in his hand, Benedict’s name greeting him. Sliding it to answer, he put it up to his ear. “Please tell me you’re in London.” Ben’s voice came over the line.

Tom chuckled slightly, “I am; you sound stressed.”

“I am selling this blasted house and moving to a remote mountain, where I have no neighbours, no moaning and no blasted complaining.” The older actor ranted.

“Still having issues with the boiler I take it?”

“I am going to pull the bloody thing off the wall. I am fit to strangle something.”

“Want to meet for lunch?” Tom offered, wanting to get out of his own head.

“I can’t, I have to wait for an engineer to come out, you’d think that in 2016 all you would have to do is just pull it out, get a proper one put in and not have anyone complain, but no, apparently getting a house done up in North London is nigh on an infringement on Human Rights on your neighbours.”

“You seem stressed.”

“No, really? Thank you for that Tom, I would never have gathered I was stressed.”

“Are Sophie and Christopher around or have they fled to somewhere less stressful, like Syria?”

“You are hilarious, no they are…I think she said Somerset or something, I was so stressed with this, I wasn’t paying full attention, don’t tell her that.”

“I am totally telling her that.”

“Asshole.” Ben retorted deadpan. “She is with her brother for the weekend, and thankfully so, they don’t need to be around this.” He sighed deeply before continuing. “Please keep me company.”

“Fine, I’ll have to see if Elle knows anyone who has riot gear, then I’ll be over.”

“I rather if she knew someone with Valium at this point.”

“I am sure she knows some.” Tom groused.

“What’s that about?”

“What?”

“Your attitude, what’s up?”

“Nothing, I will be there soon, don’t tear up the boiler or kill a neighbour.”

“I’ll try, but I make no promises.” Ben hung up and Tom grabbed his jacket, not caring about changing his slightly messy clothes, considering he was going to Benedict’s semi-construction site of a home.

*

“It’s not too bad.” Tom looked around.

“It still looks like a shithole,” Benedict argued.

“You only have the boiler to deal with, really.”  Tom pointed out.

“I can’t put in the new central heating until I do that, and that means pulling up floorboards.”

“And this is why I would never buy a house not already to my specification,” Tom commented. “It’ll get done.”

“Not if next door has anything to do with it, they are complaining mad, going on to the newspapers about it and everything. If they just gave me a month of work, I would have it sorted and there would be nothing more on it.” Benedict put on the kettle, “as it stands, I can’t get anywhere near sorted.”

“What do they have as their complaint?”

“It is disrupting the peace and tranquillity of the neighbourhood. If the daft cow did anything other than sitting on her arse all day, it wouldn’t even bother her.”

“Ben.”

“What? It’s true.” Ben argued, putting the hot water into the mugs. “I know I am being an ass, but I am just so pissed about it, I just want it done, I mean, I bought this when Sophie was pregnant, we thought it would be done before the wedding, much less when Christopher was born.”

“How is he?”

“Growing like a weed, seriously, do children ever stop?”

“I can only say from the point of view of an uncle, but from my experience, no, it appears not.” He gave a small smile.

Benedict gave him an analytical look. “What’s going on?”

“What?”

“Something is eating you, what is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Liar.” Benedict eyed him carefully, “Whatever it is, you are better off saying it now, here in my house where you have some privacy, not explode it out in public later where you will be heard by everyone.”

“What are you on about?”

“You hold stuff in and ruminate on it until finally, it becomes too much for you and you effectively eject out whatever it is that is bothering you on the nearest person, so spill, what is it?”

“Elle.”

“And what about her?”

“She is in Ireland.”

“And?”

“Why?”

“Well, I may be grasping at straws here, but it may have something to do with the fact that Danielle is Irish, and since it is only about a couple hundred kilometres to out left, it would not be too extreme an idea for her to go there from time to time.”

“Do you remember Rowley Irlam?”

“The name rings a bell.” Ben thought hard of the name.

“He was the stunt coordinator on War Horse.”

“Ah yes, and Hollow Crown too.”

“That guy, he has a post on Facebook.”

“People tend to do that on Facebook,” Benedict was unsure what that had to do anything.

“With Danielle.”

“Right?”

“Saying she is a new member of a team.”

“Well, that makes perfect sense considering…Wait, you don’t know, do you?”

“Know what?”

“That is why she was on set on Sherlock.”

“What?”

“Danielle was working on the set of Sherlock as part of an interview for a job as a Safety Officer, apparently she has been studying for it since she came here.”

“What, she never said anything like that to me.” Tom became indignant.

“She was only really able to apply for things in the past few months apparently. It was sort of hard for her to tell you when you were not talking to her.”

“She never mentioned it before, when she was studying, I could have helped her.”

“Exactly.” Ben pointed out. “She didn’t want your help, she wanted to get there by herself, and not name drop. Besides, dropping your name and mine doesn’t help in production, we come with a nice big fat ‘P’ stamped on us, remember?”

Tom gave a grunt in response. “How do you know all this?”

“I asked her that time on set, I asked her why she was there, she explained everything to me, and when the stunt coordinator was talking to her, he said he had a friend that would be interested in her help for something in Coronation Street, I told her to tell me how she got on, apparently she did well, and said about heading home for a few weeks.

“She was on the set of Game of Thrones.”

Benedict took out his phone and typed for a moment. “Irlam is the stunt co-ordinator for it.”

“So she is on the set there?”

“Atta girl Danielle.” Benedict commended.

“She is doing well.”

“Are you surprised?”

“She never mentioned anything to me.”

“When were you last talking to her?”

“The last time I was home, about six weeks ago.”

Ben groaned. “What did you argue about this time?”

“Nothing, we didn’t argue.”

“Then why weren’t you talking?”

“Because I…it doesn’t matter.” Benedict gave Tom a sceptical look. “What?”

“Nothing.” He stated shaking his head.

“You sound like Luke.”

“Do I want to ask?”

“Luke is implying I am in lust with her and need to get over myself, that it will never work, she’s too normal and that’s why I want her.”

“I think it is a bit more than lust if I’m honest,” Benedict commented. “What do you think?”

“I think I…I have no idea,” Tom admitted.

“I think you need to get yourself sorted.”

“She has a boyfriend.”

“And? No offence to the guy, but he’s not Tom Hiddleston.” Benedict grinned.

“You are not helping me through this at all,” Tom growled.

“I want my friend to be happy, remember, I have said that to you before.”

[ikesenhell]

Professional Integrity

This is the Professional Integrity series, part one. For all other parts and additional IkeSen works by me, see here.

Note: I know I said that I didn’t want to do another Mitsuhide or Kenshin fic so soon after Taste. I PROMISE I thought that was true at the time. Unfortunately, I am also an idiot. 

Also, a lot of this series deals with grief, and this first chapter touches on cancer. That is not the focus of the story, but if that is upsetting to you, please be advised.

Last note: The story about the apartment complex actually happened to me. I blame Psy.

The email popped into his inbox scarcely a month after his last contract ended, subject reading: EMPLOYMENT INQUIRY. He thumbed across his cell phone lazily, draped snakelike in his bed. 

It wasn’t the first time he’d received an employment offer from someone so famous. His services were invaluable to those in the spotlight. If you needed someone to trace threats and negate them before they even registered, he was your man. He scrubbed offensive messages from social media, chased leads with precision, and enjoyed it the whole damn while. What was someone else’s nightmare was his good time. 

The actor’s name rang a bell: James Matthews. A quick google search later, and he’d gleaned several bits of information. One, he’d been in a bunch of high profile action movies and was widely considered a ‘hunk’. Two, he’d just gotten married to a childhood friend, a lovely looking woman who his eyes lingered over. 

And the offer wasn’t for him to protect the actor. No. This was entirely about his wife. 

“She’s getting a lot of threats,” Mr. Matthews’ manager sighed in the interview. “You know the sort of thing. Heartthrob gets married, the fans lose their minds, so on.”

“Seen it before.” Mitsuhide nursed his coffee. “Anything else I need to know?”

“You’ll be doing a lot of hospital detail.”

Mitsuhide frowned. “I’m sorry to hear that. May I ask why?”

The manager chewed on the end of a pen cap. At last, they sighed. “Mr. Matthews was diagnosed with stomach cancer last month. His prognosis is... not excellent.”

Oh. Well, that certainly changed things. “I’m sorry indeed. When should I be starting?”

Mrs. Matthews was not one of the Hollywood elite. As near as Mitsuhide could tell, she was a banking teller well up until her rushed wedding a month ago. She had long hair that threaded around her shoulders, dark, soft eyes, and long eyelashes. Everyone affectionately referred to her as ‘Princess’, for reasons he wasn’t certain of and didn’t bother asking after. He had a job to do, and precious little of that involved getting to really know his charge. 

“Mitsuhide Akechi.” He introduced himself with a shake of her hand and a thin smile. 

“Goodness.” She laughed, a tinge of sadness and fatigue hovering just around the fine lines of her mouth. Her voice was sweet and stable, like someone used to holding their own. “I love the name.”

“Familial name. It’s been passed down a bit.”

“James would come and meet you, but...” The smile wilted a fraction. “You’ve already been appraised?”

“Mm, yes. My condolences. This is a difficult time for you both.”

She didn’t answer that, but her eyes told a story difficult to miss. “Well, at this point, all we can do is pray.”

He spent every morning scrubbing her social media. 

Whore. Gold digger. She’s not even pretty. Just using him for his money... and they vanished with a click. Mitsuhide took a sip of coffee and calmly waded through the barrage of insults, barely impacted by them. He wasn’t even sure she was checking her accounts, anyway. They spent most mornings together in the hospital, listening to the rush of doctors and a barrage of medical information. Mitsuhide wasn’t privy to most of it. He sat in a chair outside the door, calmly checking I.D.s before allowing them access. 

Still, meager though his involvement was with the couple, he realized the dynamic wasn’t what he’d thought it was. They weren’t married, per se. At least, they certainly weren’t married for love. Oh, there was love alright. He saw it in the ways her eyes were bloodshot and tired every night when he escorted her from the hospital, how she cried on the phone to her best friend Sasuke, the way she sat in eternal stillness in front of the TV at home, barely absorbing the comedy on the screen. They had affection for each other. But in love? No.

No, Mr. Matthews and the Princess were married for two reasons, and they both revolved utterly around his diagnosis: to allow someone he trusted and could care for him access to his hospital room, and for the sheer novelty of getting to check that off his list before the end. 

Four months in, and Mitsuhide knew things weren’t getting any better. She hadn’t risen yet, so he rapped lightly on her bedroom door. 

“Princess?”

The creak of a mattress. She opened it to him, eyes bloodshot and puffy. 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled, and forced a smile on her lips. “Good morning.”

“Morning,” he offered back, excluding the ‘good’ for obvious reasons. “Do you need coffee?”

“Maybe.” Her voice was distant.

“I’ll get you some.”

He puttered around the kitchen by himself, fiddling with their keurig (it was entirely too complicated. He had a nice, simple one himself, and that suited just fine, not this behemoth) when she joined him there. 

“Room service,” he announced dryly, setting the mug in front of her. She set her cellphone down on the counter, staring into it. 

“Thank you.”

He turned back to the keurig, struggling to make sense of the buttons again, before he heard a soft noise. Oh no. Turning his head, he watched her shield her eyes from him. 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled through a cracked sob. “I’m sorry.”

“Was the coffee really that bad?” Mitsuhide joked softly. What was he supposed to do? Hesitating by the counter, he set his hands on the edge. “Don’t apologize to me. It’s a very difficult time for you both.”

“They...” She struggled to keep down the tears, but it was too late. She waved her phone around. “Sasuke isn’t picking up.”

“That bastard. Do you need me to fight him for you? That’s in my job description.”

That made her laugh, weak though it was. “No.”

“Well, I can. You’ve hired me for my enviable brawn, after all.”

“I got a call from the hospital,” she blurted out. “They’re moving him to hospice.”

Oh. 

Mitsuhide stood rooted to the spot. He was good with words--he’d been good with them all his life--but he suddenly felt very empty of them. 

“I’m sorry,” he offered, and it felt pathetic.

“Don’t--don’t apologize, I--”

But she was breathless now, covering her eyes again and crumpling over the counter. Before he knew it, he was by her side, taking her arm and lowering her off the bar stool. “You need to sit somewhere you won’t fall over.”

“I’m s-s-s-sorry, I--oh god--” She clutched his arms and leaned her face heavy against his chest, hard, wracking sobs shaking her. 

“That’s fine,” he soothed, cupping his hands around her shoulders protectively. “It’s fine.”

Her knees buckled; he caught her weight in his arms just in time, but they slid to the floor together. Might as well accept it. Mitsuhide grunted and rocked his feet out from under him, cradling her fragile frame against his as she fell apart. 

She’s married him for a house I hear she’s a bitch She’s got some serious resting bitch face that’s for sure He can do better--

He never could look the same at her again after that. 

They practically lived at the hospital now. She slept crumpled up tight in an armchair by James’ bed, head lolling onto her shoulder and knuckles white from restrained tears. Mitsuhide wrapped her in a blanket and tucked a pillow under her head, shutting the door behind him for the long vigil. 

She spread cream cheese on James’ bagels and fed them to him in small bites, telling jokes and smiling. She reminisced on their high school days, recounting them back to him so he could remember something other than being in the hospital bed. Sometimes he even laughed at them, though it visibly hurt. But she never, ever, ever cried in that hospital room. Not in front of James. 

“Mitsuhide,” she remarked one day, settled in by James’ knee and petting it soothingly. 

“Yes?” He looked up from the chair in the corner, cellphone in hand. 

“Want to hear the story about how James and I nearly collapsed an apartment complex in college?”

“Oh, god.” James choked a laugh.

“I do love a good story about illegal activities.” Mitsuhide smirked.

“Oh, we weren’t doing anything illegal.” She grinned bright at him, and Mitsuhide wondered if she hid a halo under that soft river of hair. “Well, not that time.”

“I’m still not over that,” James mumbled. 

“So, we were at this party, right? It was Halloween, and we went to the JMU campus in Virginia. A friend of ours invited us there. This was...” She eyed James. “Our senior year. I was dating that guy with the law degree, so, 2012?”

“Yeah,” he croaked. “That’s about right, cause I was still seeing Allison. That’s the same year I got cast in Bad Intentions.”

“Right. And they’d thrown up these apartment complexes, these flimsy things with four floors. And we didn’t know it, but they weren’t exactly... well, they didn’t have a great weight threshold.”

“A good story always involves buildings not up to code,” Mitsuhide joked lightly. “Continue.”

“So we’re in this apartment on the forth floor, and everyone is just smashed. And I didn’t drink at the time, so I kind of went and got myself into the corner by the radio and started playing at DJ. You know, just playing top hits and all that. Party songs.”

“Alright.”

“And I’m standing there, and James comes over to me--”

“Now,” James laughed weakly, “Don’t blame this on me.”

“--You suggested it! He leans in and says,” and she leaned forward, her eyes flashing conspiratorially, “‘why don’t we play Gangam Style?’“ 

Mitsuhide laughed out loud. “Poor building integrity and Psy. Do continue.”

“And I’m an idiot, so I do. I turn it on, and the whole apartment complex, all four floors, rushes up the stairs!” She was laughing now, her smile brighter than he’d ever seen it. “There were so many people up there, and they’re all doing the dance--”

“--you know.” James pantomimed the arms with his.

“I do know,” Mitsuhide replied, amused. “My friend Masamune would quote it to annoy Ieyasu, or dance it past his room. Do go on.”

Princess brushed back her hair with a hand, continuing. “And the floor starts to buckle. So I’m freaked out, of course--the beams are just--” she bounced her hand up and down to demonstrate, “--just crying out for mercy, like ‘what. do. you. want. from. me!?’, and I’m just kind of hanging in for dear life, and James, of course, has to freak me out by saying, ‘grab the counter top, it’ll collapse last’--”

“Did I?” He laughed. 

“You did. Scared me to death! And thank god, it didn’t actually collapse, but I promise you I got out of that building as soon as the song was done.”

Mitsuhide grinned broadly, the chuckle rumbling in his throat. “Psy: Destroyer of Buildings.”

“He almost was, that night.” Her laughter petered off into stillness. He just watched the sunlight from the window drape over her shoulders, frame her jaw and eyelashes beautifully. “Ah. He almost was.”

James passed away three days later. 

If her grief before was vocal, now it was silent. He could see it in the slowness of her steps, the way he found her up well past four in the morning, staring blankly into space in the kitchen. More often than not he would put her to bed on the couch. 

“If you’re going to be out of your room,” he chided gently, draping a blanket over her, “then at least try and sleep a little bit.”

Media accosted her at her doorstep almost constantly. Fans bombarded the gate of her driveway with flowers and posters and signed DVDs, candles (that lit the gifts on fire more than once) and other offerings. She holed up in the living room and saw no one but the lawyers, James’ former manager, Sasuke, and himself. 

“Fucking vultures,” she snapped once, wrenching the blinds shut. 

He went out there later that day and firmly shooed them all away. 

The funeral was a small, private affair, but Mitsuhide had to plant himself between her and the cameras jammed in her face in the tiny stretch between the front door and her car. More than once he cupped a hand over a microphone and shoved it back, fixing them with a glare icy enough to kill. 

“Mitsuhide?” She murmured from the back seat of the sedan.

“Yes?” He glanced into the back from the driver’s seat. 

“I...” She cupped her chin in her hand--her small, sweet, kind hands--and stared out the window, her black dress modest on her. “Let’s get out of here.”

“What does that mean?” He asked, taking another turn down her street. 

“I want to leave town for a bit,” she answered him, more firmly. “A road trip.”

“Road trip? You could just fly wherever.”

“No.” She shook her head firmly. “I’d really like to just drive.”

“Well, I’m beholden to wherever you go, Princess,” he answered mildly, and laid on the horn to scare away a fresh gaggle of onlookers from the front driveway. “If you’d like a road trip, then we can do that.”

She looked up into the rear view mirror at him for a long, penetrating moment, and he wondered if she was staring straight into his soul. 

“Yeah,” at last she answered him. “Yeah. I think I want to do that.”

[valkyrie-echo]

Project Echo, Part 2: Chapter 15 (The Prank War)

Part 2 Summary: A new enemy surfaces with a team of the Avengers’ greatest foes, hand-picked for their destruction. Meanwhile, Inessa’s pre-Hydra past begins to surface, casting doubt on where her loyalties truly lie.

Chapter 15: The Prank War

"OK, that's weird," Tony came down to his makeshift lab after the end of the movie to work through a few equations before the night was over. What he found was Clint, sitting half in the shadows.

Clint slipped off his stool and approached Tony slowly, cautiously. "I have a proposition for you."

Tony raised an eyebrow, "Speak, parrot... Wait, that didn't make sense."

"I was about to say," Clint frowned, the air of mystery was abruptly gone.

"What do you want?"

"Natasha has become a problem that must be dealt with. She has allies, powerful ones, ones that would destroy me if I stepped out of line."

Tony nodded, understanding at last, "You're looking for an alliance. Why should I help you?"

"Because I can help you. Your enemy, like mine, sleeps in the same room as you. I mean to declare war, but only if I know I can trust my team."

He considered it for a long time, "There are certainly strategic advantages... Deal." they shook on it. Clint grinned wickedly.

Sam turned back from the stairs to the barn and hit Banner on the shoulder, "Clint and Tony are teaming up. You and me take them on?"

"Yeah, sure."

Natasha flipped through some DVDs, trying to pick a movie for the Avengers still up for a second round, "Teams of two then?"

"Sounds good to me," Banner nodded.

Bucky was busy making several fresh bags of popcorn. He poured one bag into a bowl and tossed another in the microwave. "Hey Thor," Bucky walked halfway out of the kitchen to call down the hallway.

"Yes, James?"

"In the interest of preventing domestic violence, want to be on my team?"

There was a whirl of wheels and Thor slid into the hallway on his computer chair, "To what are you referring?"

"Prank war," Natasha clarified.

Thor brightened immediately, "Of course! I know many practical jokes!" he frowned for a moment, "Although, many may be fatal for Midgardians..."

Bucky laughed loudly, "We're so going to win."

"Not if we have anything to say about it," Natasha glanced at Steve, "right teammate?"

Steve considered the offer and nodded, "Why not?" he glanced over at Inessa, still sitting alone on the couch, ignoring them. "Who would you like to team up with? You get your pick."

Inessa crossed her arms and refused to answer. She had to train with these people to get her powers back, she didn't have to be friendly. Mallory just rolled her eyes, "She'll be wildcard. Trust me, you all don't stand a chance. Nadi- Nessie- is a pro. Just don't play cards against her."

"Too late," Natasha smiled. She glanced through the DVDs again and set them back on the shelf, "Someone else chose, nothing's catching my attention."

Banner raised his hand, "I think I know one Nessie would enjoy. It's called 'Gattaca'."

"Go for it," Banner stood and retrieved the keyboard that tied in to JARVIS' digital media database.

Bucky finished up with the popcorn and began to pass out the newly-filled bowls. He tipped in to Thor's room and pulled the Asgardian from his computer by wheeling him out the door and sliding the chair across the room towards the television, "Stop asking google if Christine knew the Angel was the Phantom, you're not going to find an answer."

When dawn came around, all morning runners were shaking tacks out of their shoes. "Amateur hour," Natasha scoffed. She walked down the hall to Inessa's door and knocked before opening. Mallory and Inessa were up and ready to go- begrudgingly.

"So, you have any big plans for this prank war?" Mallory chose to fill the silence. She could see Nadya was on the tipping point- if the Avengers played their cards right her temper could break that day and then everything would be right with their world again.

"Took us all night, but I think Steve and I have a few good ones worked out."

There was a screech of feedback through the comms and Natasha and Inessa both winced. A moment later Sam came on, shouting, "YOU COULD HAVE BROKEN MY ANKLE WHICHEVER ONE OF YOU SADISTS DID THAT!"

Natasha burst out laughing. She opened her comm and replied innocently, "That was meant for Bucky, not you."

"HE PUSHED ME INTO IT!" Sam was shouting from the bottom of a 6 foot pit that had been covered by a tarp and sand. They were jogging as usual when Bucky suddenly stopped. Once Sam caught up to him he lightly shoved him to the left and- crash.

"Rule number one of a prank war- change your routine," Steve was definitely enjoying this. Natasha and the girls ran through the opposite end of the cornfield as they usually did. Inessa saw something shining in front of them and grabbed Mallory's arm. They slowed to a stop. Natasha glanced back and missed the flash of metal- she ran smack into the invisible barrier. They were prepared this time for the feedback from the comms and the cursing.

"Rule number two," Tony came over comms now, "anticipate rule number one."

Meal times were "truce" times- no Avenger dared mess with the edibles, that was just uncivilized. As soon as breakfast was over, however, the melee began again. Steve went outside with a book to read as Natasha trained Sam, but a bucket of water was waiting, balanced on top of the door. Thor roared with laughter as the bucket crashed onto his head and Steve cursed, dripping, and started shaking out his book. Before he thought to move out of place, a second trap was triggered by the slamming of the screen door behind him- a precariously hung bottle fell from the rafters above the porch and nailed him in the groin. While Steve's language reached truly impressive heights, Bucky came out and nodded appreciatively at his work.

"Rule number three- set two traps."

Inessa pushed past the buffoons in a fresh set of exercise clothes. She paced the edge of the sparring ring, waiting for Natasha. After a moment, Nat climbed out through an upstairs window, eyed her landing carefully, and jumped down. She didn't know Steve had already triggered the trap over the door, and she was entirely unwilling to be pranked again.

"Alright," Natasha dusted off her sweatpants and met Inessa's eyes. It was a weird feeling- looking straight into her eyes without a flinch or really any emotion save rage. If nothing else, taking away her powers had pissed off the kid enough to get her past the worst of her fear. She was out for blood now- a whole new kind of dangerous. "First things first, I want to see how you fight. Or even if you can fight." she kept her tone cold, emotionless. No babying- Inessa was the one who said (signed) that she could handle training, it was up to her to keep her end of the deal.

Without further warning, Natasha attacked. She kept her movements deliberately slow, made stupid mistakes, anything to give Inessa a challenge, but keep the advantage in her court. That didn't mean she let more than a couple hits land though- and those that did were to gauge her strength. Several Avengers watched from the porch, intrigued.

Inessa opened with a swing to Natasha's head- quickly countered by a strike to the stomach. She kicked out at Natasha's knee- a move that, if it had landed, would have dislocated or even broken the kneecap- not that it would ever land against more than an untrained street thug. Inessa spun around her, keeping her feet moving at all times, forcing Natasha to spin as well. It was a good strategy, but there was a lag in her movement while she spun. Nat made a mental note.

After five minutes of the mock-sparring, Natasha swept low and knocked Inessa's legs from her. The girl fell, panting. "You're keeping your hands too far from your body, you go from move to move too slowly and in a predictable sequence, there's no force in any of your hits, and I can tell that spinning move is one you use with your abilities, and you don't have those for now so don't rely on it. Also," she checked a bloodless scratch on her arm, "you fight with your fingernails. It's probably something you picked up when you were with the wolf. Only a good idea if you have blade-tipped gloves, otherwise you'll break a nail off and then you're the one in pain. With your abilities, could you form talons like what Nadya had and have them as strong?"

Inessa nodded. She wasn't speaking still, but more out of spite than fear.

"Good, I'll train you with the gloves after you've mastered basic hand-to-hand. You fight like a kid used to living on the streets, it's my job now to fix that. We'll start building muscle first. Now, put your leg out in front of you." Inessa did as she was told, "No, straight out, right angle to the other leg." it was difficult, but she managed something close enough for Natasha. "Good," Nat pulled a timer out of her pocket and set it on the ground in front of Inessa, "That's going to go off every five minutes for the next half hour. When it beeps, switch legs, then switch back. Keep them up though, or I restart the entire thing. It's how I started, and it'll feel like hell, but you'll build muscles you never knew you had."

Natasha turned away and called Sam down for his regular training. Mallory's mouth was hanging open, "Wait, so I have you to thank for that? They made us do that for weeks at SHIELD! Worst three months of my life!"

"But it worked, didn't it?" Natasha smiled.

Mallory considered it, "Actually, yeah. Still sucks though." she winked to Inessa who already was having trouble balancing and lifted her own leg in a show of support.

"Tip among friends?" Tony stopped Bucky as he walked into the barn, eating from a large tub of mayonnaise. "Vanilla pudding in the mayo jar is too cliche, everyone knows that one now. You've got to modern-up your game or you're toast."

Bucky grumbled, "I was hoping to get Sam with this one."

"You've got a handicap- you and Thor? You're the weakest team. At least Steve has Natasha to help, you and Thor just swirl around the bad ideas." he patted Bucky's metal shoulder, "You'll get there, not in time for this prank war, but maybe in the next."

The Winter Soldier just sighed, disappointed. He picked at he pudding some more, then offered it to Tony, "You want some at least? It's a shit-ton of pudding, and I grew up in the Depression. Something like this was beyond gold to us back then, I'd hate to see it go to waste."

"Sure thing," Tony took custody of the pudding tub. On an impulse, he sniffed it, then laughed at Bucky's confused expression, "Just in case you were crazy enough to eat actual mayo as a prank." Tony took a small scoop, then a much larger one. A fowl taste filled his mouth and he began to choke.

Bucky jumped out of the way as Tony hurled the mayo jar at him, "Vanilla pudding in the mayo jar was old when I was young, sonny boy, but a layer of vanilla on top of garlic mayonnaise? Your father taught me that little jewel." he walked away, cackling.

By midday Inessa was considering taking a knife to the implant again. Anything but this new torture. Her legs were jelly, and Natasha was fast on the way to making her arms useless as well by having her hold them out to the sides with a small bag of sand in each. Mallory, familiar with this one too, assured her it would get easier- around a month from then when the bags were filled to weigh five pounds. Natasha was brutal.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Clint came running out of the house with nothing but a towel wrapped around his bottom half. He was a slight green-yellow color, and it was dripping onto the towel as well. "WHICH ONE OF YOU DID IT? THE SHOWER IS A SACRED SPACE!" Steve covered his nose at a strange odor.

Banner stood up from one of the lawn chairs around the fire pit and walked over to high-five Sam in the sparring ring. Natasha raised her eyebrows, amused, "Chicken bouillon in the shower head?"

"A whole brick of it," Sam said proudly.

Before dinner every Avenger had scored more points (though no one was really keeping track).

Bucky and Thor duct-taped an air-horn to the pedestal of the computer chair in the main farmhouse, then raised it to maximum. When Steve sat down and adjusted the chair, he nearly broke the desk jumping back up. A few moments later, when Sam was trying to shake out some indoor rugs during clean-up duty, Thor summoned a thunderstorm to drench only him- and it followed him whenever he was outdoors for two hours.

Banner and Sam got their revenge on the two though- Thor left his sandals woefully un-defended, and were he not a God, he would have broken his neck in the fall down the stairs when he rushed down to stop a fight in the workshop, slipped on the sandals, and found that the tips were nailed to the floor. The resulting crash and screams of rage sent the two into hiding until dinner time. It didn't matter- they'd already left a box of chocolates sitting out next to the groceries on the porch (left there by Clint as he unloaded the car for Natasha to use). The only catch (which Clint discovered instead of the intended target- Natasha) was that once you opened the lid of the box, the bees imprisoned inside made it very clear how un-funny they found the joke to be.

Clint's partnership with Tony didn't bear as much fruit as both expected. The shield in the middle of the running path that morning had pretty much been their best idea. Banner's afternoon nap on the porch gave them the opportunity to field-test a new heat-activated adhesive (which performed above expectations. Banner's newly-waxed back as a result almost ended with a Hulk-out). Beyond that though they were mostly on the receiving end. Tony went through nearly his entire tube of toothpaste, wondering all the while why it wasn't putting a dent in the garlic overdose in his mouth before he realized Bucky or Thor had also gotten to it with the spices. Clint's bowstrings had been covered in some sort of wax which ended up making his fingers slip off the string mid-draw and made him give himself a black eye.

Natasha and Steve were the golden team, or so everyone thought. They hit Sam with the hunting trap (though that one was meant for Bucky), stapled the collar of Tony's shirt to his worktable when he fell asleep on it (the fall out from that is what sent Thor head-first down the stairs), re-packed the shower-head with glitter as soon as Clint thought it was clean (now he was sparkly and smelled like chicken soup!), covered Banner's back in honey instead of aloe after his little waxing experience, replaced Thor's insect-repellant with sugar water (which would pay off later that night), and, of course, Steve had already gotten Bucky the day before with a well-spent three hours arranging and then attaching tiny magnets to his arm while he claimed to be out looking for Inessa (Mallory wasn't as good of a liar as she thought- he could see Inessa sneaking around in her room from outside).

By the time May showed up to collect Mallory, everyone was exhausted and ready to declare Natasha the winner- the only one to be pranked just once.

Inessa walked (as best she could) Mallory out to the helicopter hand-in-hand. "Give it a chance, alright? I promise you, it's not going to be as bad as you think."

"I'll try," Inessa promised.

Mallory pulled her into a tight hug and kissed her on the cheek, "Thank you for not being dead," her eyes welled up with tears she couldn't suppress, "I really thought I'd lost you, little sister."

Inessa smiled as she pulled away. Ever since they were five they'd called one another 'sister', she didn't realize it until Mallory spoke, but she had never thought she'd hear that again- and it meant the world to her. "Be safe, big sister."

"You too," Mallory wiped her eyes quickly and called out to the Avengers watching from the porch, "Take care of her or I'll come back here and kick all your asses!" they waved and she climbed into the helicopter next to Agent May. The older woman picked up a box and handed it to her with a wink. She passed it to Inessa, "Make me proud."

The chopper blades began to churn and Inessa backed away quickly. She waved and watched until the chopper vanished from sight. She had been afraid when her friend left she'd go back to how she had been- more closed off, scared, disconnected. But the strength was still there. Inessa just had to be reminded of what it felt like to be Nadya again. There was still a lot of work to be done, but it didn't seem so overwhelming now that she knew she had a friend. Before the others came to her, she opened the box and looked inside- then suppressed a wicked grin.

"The food truce still stands, right?" Bucky asked wearily as the group picked at their stew.

"Yeah, why?" Tony was the cook of the day, and he was actually very proud of the fact that he resisted tampering with everything- especially after what Bucky had done to him.

Natasha lifted up a spoonful and let it drip back into the bowl, "So it's supposed to taste like this?"

"I told you all I'm not a cook, it's never been my forte, you insisted my name be in the hat."

As one, the Avengers and Inessa took a dinner roll. "Would it offend, Tony Stark, if I had pop-tarts for dinner?" Thor enjoyed the little pastries still.

"I would be offended if we didn't order some pizzas instead of choking this down," Tony wasn't ashamed to admit it tasted like shit.

Steve stood up, "I'll call, who wants what?" It took twenty minutes more to sort through everyone's orders and find compromises, then Steve went down the hall to the study. No sooner was he out of the kitchen than they heard a bizarre scream. Everyone jumped up and ran into the hall. Steve was laying on the floor, twitching. Natasha checked his pulse, he was fine, but his whole body was in spasms. He groaned as they subsided, "Who... Put... Nat's... Tazer... Darts... On... The... Handle?" he had to pant the words out.

Clint's mouth fell open. He inspected the door carefully- no evidence of any of Natasha's lovingly named "Widow-Bites". Banner retrieved a pair of rubber cleaning gloves from the kitchen and pushed through the crowd. He opened the den door quickly and slipped in. Sure enough- on the back of the doorknob was a small blue disk. Banner hit the center of it and deactivated it. He peeled it away from the door and held it up. "Natasha, come on- we already voted you the winner!"

"I didn't do it!" she protested, laughing now at Steve.

"I'm your teammate!" he grumbled as he got to his feet.

"I swear! Come on-" Natasha waved for him to follow, "You order pizza," she called to Banner. She led Steve, Sam, Bucky, and Tony upstairs to her room. When Natasha grabbed the handle of her door (to retrieve her case of the "Bites" and prove none were missing), she was launched back into the boys. The shock wasn't at any sort of dangerous level, but it was enough to smart and piss her off, "WHAT THE HELL?"

Three more shouts came from downstairs- more victims. "How many doors did you booby-trap?" Tony was incredulous.

"THIS ISN'T ME!" Natasha snapped.

Another angry scream came from downstairs a moment later, "WE WERE JUST IN HERE WHO PUT A WIDOW-BITE ON THE KITCHEN SINK?" Poor Clint- for someone who enjoyed playing pranks he had certainly been the victim of several that day.

By the time the pizza boy arrived every Avenger was on the rampage, trying to figure out who had trapped all the doors. Banner had taken his rubber gloves off to dial the phone- and they promptly vanished. Even sitting on the couch became a hazard- that was how Sam and Tony were finally hit. Inessa had the right idea- at some point in the chaos she simply sat in the middle of the livingroom on the hardwood and refused to budge. The pizza had to be retrieved by Bucky- who's metal arm had fallen off and vanished- he still didn't know how or where it was. He'd gotten it jammed in a door and the next thing he knew he came away but it didn't. When he'd broken into the room (and been severely shocked for his pains), there was no-one there and the window was open.

The pizza boy was slightly afraid of the manic look in Bucky's eyes, either that or by the screams of those still being hit with wave after wave of electric shock. "Electric short of some kind," Bucky tried to explain, "Nothing major."

"Oh," the kid nodded, pretending to understand, "Um, ok. Hey, this was in the middle of the front gate, by the way- I think the mail man just got lazy this time. It happens." he handed Bucky a round metal tin- an old film reel?

"Thanks, keep the change," Bucky tipped generously enough that he hoped the boy wouldn't draw too much attention to the farm.

"Thank you, sir!" he grinned from ear-to-ear, "Oh, and hey! I like the lightning rod, very 'Terminator'!" the kid ran back to his car and Bucky frowned.

"Lightning rod?" he walked out of the house and looked up. On the top of the highest peak was his metal arm, "SON OF A BITCH!"

Inessa kept her poker face throughout the mayhem. Mallory had given her twenty of those darts (donated by SHIELD for the prank-war). Bucky's arm? Well, that was just a matter of seeing an opportunity and taking it (literally). After he struck her, when she went to bring him out of the loft, he'd removed his arm. Inessa had a photographic memory, and it turned out she had just the right touch too. She sat in the middle of the floor, a picture of innocence, and accepted her dinner while the others tried to find all of the tazer darts.

"Pizza guy thinks the mailman left this, anyone claiming responsibility?" Bucky held the film canister up as though it were alive and dangerous.

"Not mine, scouts honor," Tony was exhausted- they all were- from the stress and strain of the day. In all they found twelve of the little darts, and prayed that was the end of them. The other Avengers denied any sort of involvement with the canister as well.

"I think I've got an old projector upstairs," Clint gingerly stood and went to retrieve the heavy case from the attic.

Bucky pried the lid off the case and braced for something horrible to happen- but inside was, as advertised, a reel of film. He picked it up and read the label on it, "Projekt Rebirth, German spelling, dated 1938."

"Huh?" Steve came over to check the reel, "I'm Project Rebirth, and it certainly wasn't 1938." he thought through it for a moment, "Wait- OK, I might know what this is. Before he worked with SHIELD, Doctor Erskine worked in a lab with Red Skull, it's how Skull got his powers. He tested the serum on himself."

"Got it!" Clint came back into the room with the large hard-sided case. He stood back and let Bucky and Steve figure out how to make it work and load in the film- it was from their era after all.

"Why is someone sending us Red Skull's old home tapes?"

Natasha rolled her eyes when Bucky pointed the projector at a blank wall and focused the reel, "What the hell kind of a joke is this? Which one of you two monkeys thought it would be funny to play with photoshop?"

"Do you know that kid?" Clint asked, incredulous. She looked very familiar, but he couldn't quite pinpoint it. She'd have to be at least in her late 80s, early 90s now, she looked to be ten in the footage. The girl was bone-thin, probably some kid brought in from the streets. Erskine and the Doctor who would one day be Red Skull- Johann Schmidt- appeared to be discussing something. The kid coughed and what could have been blood sprayed out. Erskine immediately went to her to dab at her mouth and comfort the sick child.

"You did this one, didn't you?" Natasha glared at Clint, "It's not funny, just weird."

"What's weird?" Tony was incredulous. The footage jumped- now the kid was in a machine.

"That looks like what they put me into, just a more basic version," Steve frowned as the doors closed and lights began to flash around the girl. When it opened, when the smoke cleared, the girl looked less skeletal. She looked strong. Almost like a different child.

A man went into the machine next, but Natasha ignored the video, "Fess up, which one of you thought this would be funny?"

"What are you talking about?" Sam was thoroughly confused.

"Like you don't know that's me. Come on, even SHIELD doesn't have pictures of me at that age to use for an edit. Who found what where?"

"Nat, I don't think any of us-" Steve looked around at the others. Everyone shook their head. Even Inessa looked confused and concerned.

Natasha was just pissed, "Look, by that age I was already in Black Widow training in the Red Room, and I didn't leave until I was twenty at least. So which one of you found Red Room footage? Huh? That was a horrific place. You shouldn't even use that stuff as a joke."

"JARVIS, send a suit in to check the footage for edit points," Tony spoke into his comm. Everyone watched the footage in silence until the suit arrived- young Natasha fighting the older man, improving day by day. There was a shot of her standing with one leg out in front of her- just like she'd had Inessa do.

A memory jumped out at Steve as the suit turned off the footage and collected the reel for scanning. They'd just gotten Bucky sedated (very much against his will) for the operation that would remove the metal arm Hydra grafted to his flesh. He was talking to Coulson, hung up, and suddenly Natasha was dragging him out of the Tower to go on some idiotic shopping trip- a thin excuse to just get him out and take his mind off of things. He'd tried to wrench free from her grip, but couldn't. Bucky and I are the only super-soldiers, right? he remembered being suddenly unsure of that. The thought sent chills down his spine. In a way, he knew the answer before JARVIS even spoke.

"There has been no tampering that I may detect. This is the original film strip. Cuts made to the footage and tape reconnecting several different scenes is consistent with the date indicated on the label."

Natasha couldn't accept that, "It's not real. I know it's not. I was trained in the Red Room in the 80s, I worked for the KGB for twenty- no wait-"

"We met on-mission in the late 90s," Clint prompted softly.

"Well I know I worked for the KGB for twenty years, at least, before that, and I trained for at least ten-"

"The math doesn't line up. You'd be in your 40s, 50s at least." Bucky looked down at his hands.

"No, but-" Natasha ran through her memories quickly, trying to find the point of error. She must have miss-counted time at some point, doubled something. It had been a long day, she was frazzled, she'd made a mistake. The video wasn't possible. It just wasn't.

"JARVIS, you have Nat's DNA on file?" Tony wouldn't look her in the eyes either.

"Yes, sir."

"Compare it to Bucky and Steve's. Specifically the super-soldier anomalies."

No one spoke for the full twenty minutes it took JARVIS to run his tests, then re-run them when the Avengers rejected the results. "With a 0.00001% error probability, Miss Romanoff's DNA does include the same genetic abnormalities as Mister Barnes, yet lacks the same mutations as Mister Rogers. It would appear at some point she was subjected to the unfinished version of the super soldier serum."

Banner chose to be the voice of reason, impossible as all this seemed, "For Red Skull to know the serum worked and test it on himself, he had to have seen it in action. Natasha, I'm sorry, but considering the number they did on Bucky, is it possible they did the same thing to you too? Once upon a time?"

"No, no, it's not- it's not possible. JARVIS, play back the reel, the last cut."

The suit turned to face the wall and projected the newly-scanned footage from it's internal memory. The last clip came up- Natasha, dancing. The Red Room, as a cover, doubled as a dance studio. Every Black Widow agent was part of the same ballet class- grace and death, all they'd been taught. She had hoped the last clip would show that place. She studied the dancers faces as closely as she could given the age of the footage. She remembered all of them- most died before their training was complete. Duels to the death were a weekly occurrence, and Natasha was top of her class. She was perhaps twelve in this clip. She remembered that day, that dance. Every detail was perfect- but it couldn't have been that long ago. She tried to remember exactly how long she'd been with the KGB, the time seemed much longer than it could have, yes, but- she wasn't that old.

"If it was real, I'd remember. No matter what they did. I've been around Thor's healing stones just like the rest of you. Bucky remembers. If it was true, I would too."

"Not if you suppressed them yourself," Thor's voice was soft.

"This is a shitty prank, you should all be ashamed of yourselves!" Natasha stormed off up the stairs, leaving everyone in silence.

Clint waited until he heard the bedroom door slam, "Let's call it a night- yeah?"

"I'll try to find what I can," Tony promised as the group disbursed. The cheery mood was gone.

Even Inessa was too shaken to hold on to her rage- when Sam held her bedroom door open for her she actually thanked him- it was a whisper, but it was something.

Over the next few hours there were several shouts and a "NOT COOL!" from Clint as the Avengers found the other eight tazer darts Inessa had hidden in their beds. She was just grateful no one knew she'd been the one to plant them.

Chapter 16: The Shrink

[deborahdeshoftim5779]

FanFic Update-- Playmaker

First of all, I write this with half-frozen fingers, thanks to the onslaught of rain today. Absolutely drenched. 

ANYWAY, after doing some piecemeal research on San Francisco, I began writing Chapter Four last night, which meant that I went to bed far later than intended. I was that engrossed in writing, which is great. 8 pages! Unfortunately, not having reread Chapter Three before writing, I caught a massive time discrepancy which I’ll have to fix tonight as well as some other things that need to be fixed beforehand. I also have some questions that haven’t been answered and other themes I need to slip earlier into the timeline for everything to make sense. 

I know it’s been AGES since I last posted a “The Marvel of Trelsi” update, but writing these chapters really helps me figure out how the two work as eventual endgame... Although I have a bank of screenshots in my Google Drive and every time I look at one of the few featuring just them I ask myself why the screenwriters ignored even the FRIENDSHIP, let alone the obviously superior couple. Argh! More on this later. Or maybe now: I’ve been thinking about the seamless communication between Troy and Kelsi in HSM II, not only when Kelsi silently stood up for him whilst the Wildcats shunned him, but also during the dinner where Sharpay was schmoozing up to Troy and wanted to put him on the spot.

Kelsi looks somewhere between incredulous and mortified-- perhaps on Troys’ behalf? I say this because later in HSM III when Sharpay summons her in exactlky the same way, her expression is far different:

XD XD XD

If someone looks at you like that, call the police-- even if they’re wearing a funky t-shirt. Or run. 

(Seriously, even Troy doesn’t look that pissed. New headcanon theory: Kelsi is pissed off with Sharpay not just for the sake of her beloved grudge, but because Sharpay shows no sympathy for Troy’s upset. This would be demonstrated by her walking over to Troy and giving him a hug, instead of just walking over to the piano as directed). 

Anyway, what is most interesting during HSM II is that Troy doesn’t even try to wriggle out of singing directly. All he has to do is say Kelsi’s name, and she understands, showing this with a subtle nod and returning to playing. Disaster averted. For two people who spend very little time together in the grand scheme of things, the fact that they can communicate so effortlessly, even in a crowded room, is astonishing. (And awesome for me!) I mean, you could say that Troy and Chad can communicate like this on the basketball court, given Troy’s strategic prowess. Certainly, his advice to Jimmie/Rocket Man was to “keep your eyes on me”, leading to that awesome assist. But I don’t see Troy managing this in normal situations with any other character, most probably because most other characters cannot read him like Kelsi can. Not even his own father. 

I’m having real fun showing the dire state of communication between Troy and Gabriella, and I enjoy the fact that I can easily reference a canonical point where something similar happened:

Chapter 1- (During phone conversation) 

“Hello?” Her voice seemed amplified for some strange reason, until he recognized California Love blaring in the background. And were people shouting? Something crashed and several people laughed. 

“Hey-- Gabriella? It’s me.”

“Uh huh?” More laughter and crashes. She had forgotten their date, but somehow this knowledge brought a cold pang of disappointment to his stomach rather than relief. 

“I’m outside.”

“Outside where?”

Why didn’t she know where? The noise grew, making it difficult to respond until California Love ended to a chorus of exaggerated cheers.

“Your dorm.”

“What are you doing outside my dorm?” Her voice was louder. “Do you realize it’s almost ten at night? You’re so crazy, Wildcat.” 

Someone in the background shouted her name, and she giggled.”

I developed this from the disastrous decision Troy made  in HSM III to “surprise” Gabriella in a tree at Stanford, to her complete indifference. She barely smiles upon seeing him. 

Chapter 2- (Another phone call, LOL)

“His phone rang. Gabriella. Fighting back panic, he grabbed it and accepted the call.

“Hey,” he said, hoping he sounded calm. “I haven’t heard from you in a while...”

“”Oh, I’ve been so busy-- Constitutional Law is a complete snooze, and I’m freaking out over this test!”

“You’ll do great.”

She huffed. “Please stop saying that, it makes me even more nervous.”

“Sorry.” He always said the wrong thing. Might as well tape his big flapper shut.”

Chapter 3- (Which I handwrote in SIX hours. Okay, that was after starting six times and losing track, but still! This is, yes, another phonecall).

“For once, she spoke first.

“So what’s this surprise?”

Christ, did he say that? For several seconds, he stood frozen, mouth open but silent. Surprise. The surprise was... Shit, the surprise was...

And then it came to him.

“San Fran-- whole weekend. You and me. What do you think?”

He heard Gabriella sigh at the other end. “Honey, you do know it’s Sunday, right?” Weekend’s over.”

“Yeah! Sure. Right.” He forced a chuckle. “Next weekend.”

“Can’t-- Taylor’s coming over.”

“T-The weekend after,” he stuttered, desperation seeping into his voice.

“Mm, okay.” She shuffled around for a bit. “I gotta go-- Simon’s coming over. Chemistry.”

“Right. Sure.”

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The relationship of a lifetime, huh? XD ROFLMFAO. I’ll edit and refine these pieces soon, but that’s the skeleton. Literally, the skeleton. Their relationship is a complete mess, as if I haven’t told y’all that enough now. 

Bonus material from Chapter Four as it stands so far:

Chapter 4 (TRELSI. But yes, also a phonecall. So many of ‘em)

“You’re incredibly kind, Troy. Never lose that-- I know not everyone appreciated it at East High but... it’s my favourite thing about you.”

“I... thanks.”

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It’s just like, be together already! Damn. I gotta log off and go write some more with my half-frozen fingers. 

To be continued.

[paulisweeabootrash]

Book Review: The Tale of Genji (well, part of it)

So the "weeaboo" part of the name of this blog is obvious.  But the "trash" part?  I'm going to say this is an example of that, since, while writing this, I felt something I’ve felt many times before: like I’m not capable of Serious Analysis because I don't really understand Serious Literature.  In my reading habits, I gravitate much more towards speculative fiction — sci-fi and dystopias — that is not often filed under "literature" in stores or libraries, or even by cultural commentators.  But I feel like writing another review this month, and I'm running low on month, so today for your enjoyment(?), I'm tackling a book for the second time, and it's quite different from the previous book I reviewed in just about every way.

It's Japanese, it's very old, and it's "serious literature": The Tale of Genji (original c. 1021, this translation 1929).  Or the first 9 chapters, anyway, since I did not realize that’s all this version included when I bought it.

I seem to have a habit of just serendipitously stumbling into interesting things.  I first heard about The Tale of Genji by Lady Murasaki Shikibu from, of all things, the 1997 Windows edition of "Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?".  I knew very little about it other than it being considered one of the earliest novels, so when I recently found, for an absurdly cheap price, a paperback of the Dover Thrift Edition, I bought it.  Turns out this edition contains only the first 9 chapters — "Kiritsubo" through "Aoi" — out of the full 54, as translated by Arthur Waley in 1929.  So that's all I'll talk about here.

Genji, our main character, is a son of the Emperor of Japan, but not the heir to the throne (in fact, as a member of the Minamoto Clan, he is not part of the line of succession at all), so he seems to enjoy wealth and an entourage but very little actual responsibility for governing.  He is granted a couple of military offices, but they do not seem to entail much beyond his initial training.  He spends his teens paying unsolicited visits and sending unsolicited letters to women he's attracted to in the hopes of getting some of them to respond well to his advances, sort of a high-class equivalent of Straight White Boys Texting.  But he's actually pretty good at it, since his main traits are being (1) very handsome and (2) good at poetry.  The plot of the chapters discussed in this review is largely concerned with his secret sexual exploits as a teenager, which range from genuine romantic relationships to behavior we'd now recognize as horridly entitled abuses of power.

The first chapter, which reads a bit differently than the others because it was a standalone work in a deliberately archaic folkloric writing style rather than the literary style of the time, briefly describes Genji's childhood, heaping nauseating praise on his intrinsic good looks, and ending with his political marriage at age 12 to his 16-year-old cousin Princess Aoi, an arrangement which neither has any interest in.  Jumping forward an unspecified amount of time, but still clearly sometime in Genji's teens, the next episode we see in his life is a lengthy discussion with Aoi's brother, To no Chujo (or, rather, Tō no Chūjō, 頭中将, which Google Translate renders as “Head General" — most characters in the book are referred to by either a title or a nickname, not their given names) and a couple of other aristocrats comparing the behaviors and virtues of various types of women, involving discussions of both personality and social class.  This provides a little bit of insight to the modern reader into the class system and attitudes on gender of the place and time, and narratively sets up Genji's behavior for the rest of the story.

Some of Genji's affairs are one-night stands, wherein he seduces or uses his status to impose himself upon relatives or servants of noblemen he is visiting.  Others are ongoing relationships, and declarations of belief in destined meetings and the exchange of flirty poems of varying quality are often involved.  These "relationships" such as they are end badly.  One successful one-night stand with a married woman leads Genji to hire the woman's 13-year-old brother as a messenger to try to arrange future encounters with her unsuspiciously, then because she is repeatedly not available, he decides the brother looks enough like her to be "no bad substitute for his ungracious sister".  Another, Genji neglects to the point of nearly ghosting her, although he seems at first to genuinely love her — once no longer feeling the "spark" of being in love, Genji stays in contact with her but rarely visits her.  Another is killed by a ghost, or possibly by fright at the belief that there is a ghost.  He is nearly caught multiple times, including by To no Chujo, and there is implicitly a looming threat of terrible damage to the reputations of Genji and his lovers and/or victims if he is ever exposed, but the whole series of events is merely suspected by acquaintances, never conclusively discovered.

All the while, in the background, Genji has been pining for Fujitsubo, his father's concubine.  This infatuation has been going on since his childhood, and plays itself out in an extraordinarily creepy way throughout the remaining chapters.  Genji, having fallen sick, travels to a monastery where Fujitsubo's mother is a nun, seeking healing.  Several orphans are being raised at the monastery, and one of them, Murasaki, looks strikingly familiar.  Genji discovers that she is the daughter of Fujitsubo's brother, born out of wedlock to a woman who since died, hence her presence at the orphanage.  He offers to adopt and tutor her, and there is a bit of miscommunication (that's actually kind of funny) in which he repeatedly tries to assure people that he knows she's a child and really is attempting to adopt her, not marry her.  He is turned away until he learns that Murasaki is to be sent off to live with her father, whom she does not know, at which point Genji returns to kidnap her and her nurse and bring them back to his palace to live with him.  Yeah.  He does tutor Murasaki and treat her in a parental sort of way, and his feelings are portrayed as initially innocent, but... it's clear he does actually intend to eventually marry her, which is horrifying, and the nurse is surprisingly in favor of this.  And within the confines of the story, the whole thing is "justified" by Genji's belief that they must have been lovers in a past life.

While Genji, by now I'm pretty sure somewhere in his late teens although I lost track of exactly how old, is grooming tutoring Murasaki (making her too outspoken and forward to be properly ladylike, it is mentioned, highlighting again the strict gender roles involved here), he also manages to finally hook up with Fujitsubo, fathering a child which, much to their relief, the Emperor unquestioningly accepts as his own.  Fujitsubo is then elevated from concubine to Empress, although she is not the mother of the Heir Apparent, and they cannot continue the affair.  The Heir is arranged to marry Oborozukiyo, who is his aunt, whom Genji of course also pursues, and then we skip ahead again to see that the Heir has ascended the throne and Genji's secret son by Fujitsubo is the new Heir Apparent.

Rokujo (the woman Genji seemed to love, then neglected) makes public their on-and-off relationship, and Genji, now 22, is reprimanded by his father, not for having the affair but for treating Rokujo so thoughtlessly and indiscreetly, risking both of their reputations.  After a confrontation at a religious ceremony that Rokujo takes as a personal insult, Genji and Aoi (hey, remember her? Genji’s wife?) finally start to spend time together, and Aoi gets pregnant but also terribly sick.  Rokujo believes she has inadvertently cursed her with the power of her jealousy — and is apparently proven right when she somehow possesses Aoi while the latter is in labor.  Aoi lingers for a while, but dies.  Genji mourns and regrets dramatically, and in the midst of his grief, just when he looks like he'll reform into not-a-creep, gets engaged to Murasaki (who is at this point, what, 14 or something?).  I'll just let this quote from the last chapter explain itself: "In Murasaki none of his hopes had been disappointed; she had indeed grown up into as handsome a girl as you could wish to see, nor was she any longer at an age when it was impossible for him to become her lover.  He constantly hinted at this, but she did not seem to understand what he meant."  Ew.  And so this book ends with sorting out Aoi’s estate and preparing for Genji and Murasaki’s wedding.

So... that's the beginning of the Tale of Genji.  There’s a lot more to it than that, and a lot worth talking about about, such as the frequency with which the real cause of events is left ambiguous, reporting only different people’s assumptions about them, or the depictions of Genji genuinely enjoying spending time with women in non-sexual contexts, neither of which is something a naïve reader, especially one with as dim a view of humanity as I usually have, would probably assume is contained in a thousand-year-old book.  But I’ve highlighted the things I have above because I'm left with one overarching question/feeling by all this.  I find the story interesting, but Genji himself usually repulsive.  I'm wondering whether he would've come off unsympathetically to the audience at the time or whether this is severe values dissonance.  I suspect the latter, but I'm not sure.

On the one hand, in the last chapter of this section, there is the reprimand about his behavior and a sort of demonstration through Rokujo of the havoc caused by Genji's behavior, and he shows apparently genuine sadness if not actual remorse throughout when the affairs that seem to involve actual romantic feelings fall apart.  Earlier on, we the audience do see the women’s feelings explored a bit, and they make Genji look like he doesn’t understand what he’s doing.  In the part of the story not contained in this book, there is a later exposed affair that he actually suffers some kind of social consequences for.  But on the other hand, I suspect that Genji's behavior would've been recognized as something like "boys will be boys" — the narrator certainly describes his behavior as if it’s inevitably how men are...  And maybe the raw feeling of entitlement to sex and the grooming of Murasaki (not to mention, if you chart out character relationships, a lot of incest) would be taken as acceptable or at least unavoidable behavior for aristocrats.  (At least, that's what I gather from what I've read of how European nobility behaved — I don't know if that translates for sure to other places and times, but it seems in line with modern research on power leading to disregard for others.)

This was written in Heian-era Japan, about which I admittedly know almost nothing except that it was when "the palace turned into such a dreamworld of art that they really didn't give a shit about running the country".  The class system is discussed explicitly in some places in the book, with characters making matter-of-fact assumptions and statements about what men and women of various classes are like.  If not necessarily the beliefs of the author, they probably reflect beliefs real people held.  This book would've been a subversive condemnation of a predatory ruling class if published in, say, France in the 1700s, but the Shogunate was still almost 200 years in the future for Lady Murasaki and her target audience.  This is contemporary, not historical, for her, and Genji as a person probably looks much worse in retrospect and through the eyes of modern audiences who don't believe in different behaviors being appropriate for people's "stations".

I'm curious to see whether other English translations are also written in such a convoluted and indirect style, and whether maybe they have more extensive translator's notes beyond citations to some of the quoted poems, explanations of characters' nicknames, and the occasional reminder who a rarely-mentioned character is...  I'm convinced that this is an interesting story, because I can enjoy an unsympathetic protagonist, but I'm not convinced that this is a great rendition of it.

------

Revised W/A/S Scores: 15 / 2? / 3? / yuck

Weeb: The original definition of a score of 10 on the weeb scale was that the work "assumes the audience possesses a PhD in Japanese cultural studies".  Even by that standard, I'm fairly sure that the book goes far beyond the intended top of the scale — not only resting deeply on Japanese cultural tropes and assumptions, but written in the court culture of the Heian-era aristocracy, which contains footnotes noting that even the translator is unsure of the sources of some of the quotes that appear to be from poems or songs of the time.  The past is definitely a foreign country, especially when you're separated by a millennium and reverence for a different regional power's traditions (at the time, Japan deeply romanticized China, and in fact many of the poetry quotes that are sourced are from influential Chinese poets).

Ass: For the amount of sex that happens in this book, there is certainly very very little actual sexual content.  But, like, maybe be an adult who is reading this.

Shit (writing): The vast majority of character interactions are believable, but it sort of falls flat with the barely-explained reconciliation between Genji and Aoi, and Genji's engagement to Murasaki seems to happen just because he and Murasaki's nurse expect it to more than because of any real romantic feelings or even political considerations.  I'm unsure whether this is a product of the original text or of the particular translation, but the writing style is stilted and convoluted even by my standards — and I like H.P. Lovecraft, not an author exactly known for being concise or unpretentious.  Other than just plain difficulty of understanding certain passages, I feel unqualified to judge the quality of writing at all.  Despite being characterized as a novel by modern audiences, it also feels much more episodic than you'd normally think for the word "novel", like a compilation of short stories about the same character, which I suspect based on the translator's introduction is how the book was actually written.  I was surprised and delighted to see some metacommentary in here — Murasaki goes off on asides several times, breaking character as the narrator, including to comment on how other authors would describe something but she doesn't want to, which was shockingly modern of her and reminded me a bit of the asides in the original novel of The Princess Bride about removing tedious sections.

Shit (other): not applicable, I'm pretty sure?

Content: Genji is a creep.

-----

Stray observations:

- "Minamoto" and "Genji" have the same kanji, according to the Wikipedia article linked above for the Minamoto Clan, which would make the implication that he was excluded from the line of succession immediately obvious to readers at the time, but I had to go look it up.

- This book also includes an interesting foreword giving some biographical information about Lady Murasaki, and I am intrigued by quoted excerpts from her diary, in which she talks at length about the beauty of her "great friend" Lady Saisho (to whom, says the translator, "she was evidently very strongly attached") in very similar terms to those quoted on the previous page in her description of Fujiwara no Michinaga, secretary to Emperor Ichijō, with whom she apparently had an ongoing sexual, if not necessarily romantic, relationship.  Is this a cultural misunderstanding on my part about how it was acceptable for people to describe each other's appearance in different times and places, or was Murasaki possibly bi?

- Possession by ghosts is a broadly cross-cultural idea, but I don't think I've ever heard of possession by a living person before!