#(really late to doing this because I last posted here in January 2020?)

[defira85]

I've got an hour and a half left of the year so let's be introspective - 2023 was pretty fucking garbage, and that's saying a lot after the mess of last year

It was the first time in 8 years that I struggled with active thoughts of suicide again

I really wanted things to get easier this year after the shit that went down last year - the sudden death of my mother-in-law, being absolutely dragged through the mud by my Covid infection, and a colossal mess with work when my boss developed Long Covid and ended up taking 5 months off of work. I thought that, given time, the grief would become easier to manage, and the work stress would ease up when my boss returned to work in January, and my health would be manageable

The larger cracks started forming in around April, and in July I started seeing a psychologist again. The decline got worse around August, and by late October it was... well. It was that.

The grief never got easier. I'm still waiting for it to be something bearable, but I think the fact that she died of a very traumatic heart attack and - for those who have been paying attention to my posts - I run a practice for a cardiologist means that I have to go into work every day and look into the faces of people who don't want to take medication for their hearts, and who don't want surgery for their hearts, and I want to shake them and tell them that they're resigning their families to unbelievable trauma and heartache that is literally preventable... it's not the same job as it was eighteen months ago

Add on to that the fact that our receptionist got more and more aggressive towards our preventative health measures as time wore on to protect the doctor and enable him to keep working with Long Covid and literally keep us employed, resulting in massive outbursts from her in October and November that I had to just sit and take because I had to be the professional even while she was lashing out and treating me like shit

It's been hard. It's been really hard. Last year was garbage but god this year was bleak

I tried getting back into fandom this year after the start of the pandemic just killed my spirit dead in the water, and it's been miserable. 2020 was only 3 years ago, but the difference in 3 years feels so so stark. The bleak silence in response to "content" instead of community like I used to see and partake in is so demoralising and so humiliating. I write because I have stories I want to share, but who am I sharing them with? I don't know! The numbers tick very slowly up, so SOMEONE is reading, but I don't know them from a bar of soap. I've tried joining conversations in a couple of fandoms on tumblr and it all fizzles out to nothing. Everyone and everything is on discord these days, and I'm just not interested in that for fandom

No prophesying for 2024, but the receptionist quit on the last business day of the year, so I never have to see her again. I'm terrified that the doctor will decide we don't need to replace her and will expect me to be his receptionist and nurse and secretary and practice manager and hospital bookings manager all in one... without the pay rise to match, and without the acknowledgement that I absolutely cannot do all of that by myself without help. I'm glad the bitch is gone but I'm so miserable thinking about the coming years work. My doctor wants to do more mental health stuff including eating disorder stuff and it's exhausting still trying to get that under control when I'm nearly 40

I don't even know what the point of this post was. It's not a happy one. Maybe it's good to spew it all out here with the intention of leaving it in the past

I just don't know what the future holds. I don't know what to hope for anymore. I just want this year to be over though

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

After death | Lost Gods

He looks at the skyline ahead of him, its famous shapes that tourists gape at like they’re observing a gorilla in an enclosure. It’s all grey to him, not just because of the looming storm but because the grids of buildings and lights have become boring in a way that seems fatal—this city is a dead thing on earth, he doesn’t care what anyone says. It’s all post-mortem—the blinking traffic lights, shafts of sunlight interrupted by high-rises, yellow taxis honking, honking, honking, like they’re shouting a prayer. He feels sort of like that too, caught in kitschy after death.

A little Harrison art <3 !! And an excerpt from the opening of Lost Gods!

4 years ago today I finished writing his very first solo novel, Moth Work, & I’m kind of in awe of how far we’ve come in that short time… 4 novels & 2 novellas narrated by this man who’s a little embarrassing and a whole lot profound (but you didn’t hear that from me!). A few more thoughts under the cut, but here’s a little note I made myself in 2020, the only note I’ve ever made after finishing a book (possibly because finishing this one changed my life a little).

TW for mentions of: mental illness, trauma in the mental health system, internalized homophobia

Technically I finished Moth Work at 2:34AM because I lived on the west coast at the time lol.

I don’t usually celebrate or remember the anniversaries of finishing books. But I wanted to celebrate this one because a) it’s Leap Day & I haven’t been able to commemorate what I was doing during the last one for 4 years, & b) because finishing MW was such a significant accomplishment!

I started MW in January of 2019 because I was struggling emotionally. At the time, I was racing to figure out “what was wrong with me” before flying across the country for uni in the summer (SPOILER I WAS JUST AUTISTIC LMAO), which led to a lot of stressful and traumatizing appointments with doctors. I desperately needed a book to cheer me up but a different one from my WIP at the time, especially because in 2018, I’d both discovered my voice and become really afraid of messing it up!

I also was taking a religion class at the time that was emotionally difficult for me because I felt reallyyyy alone and especially isolated in my queerness that I’d been hiding for a couple years at that point (& that I literally would not talk about at all, not even to people I trusted). When it became very clear I needed an outlet to explore my feelings (of being “unhelpable,” internalized homophobia, a general sense of aloneness/isolation) the decision of what I was going to write became pretty clear.

I’d written 3 stories in Harrison’s POV that predated MW starting in late 2018 (they were also my first explorations in third person present tense, which fun fact, I only tried in his POV because I’ve always written my notes ideas in that POV/tense combo, even when I only wrote first person!). I hadn’t written in a different POV character’s head beside’s Reeve’s since 2016, so it felt natural that the second character I felt closest to (Harrison!!!) could be a narrator. Funnily at this time Lonan was my favourite so I’m actually surprised I did not choose him but can we imagine how different things would be if I had???

I started Moth Work in my notes app (ICONIC) on January 16th 2019 at 11:37pm! The first chapter came pretty quickly, is actually quite non-linear for a bit, and was overall a lot of fun to write. I’d planned for the project to maybe be a short story or at the most a novella (does this sound familiar), nothing very long and definitely not a novel. I believe the goal word count was 5k which is so funny bc that’s exactly how Changing States & Lost Gods started!!!

And then the project stagnated, it wasn’t something I’d planned to write seriously, and I didn’t pick it back up until August of that year when my therapist at the time suggested I try to complete a “reach goal” as I was reaching Crisis and I guess I was so done with everything going on in my life that I was like okay fine!!!! I will write Moth Work as a novel!!!!

This book literally flew with me across the country… I wrote a lot of it late at night in my dorm with all the lights off after a long day on campus. I wrote a lot of it in my intro to sociology lecture LMAO. I wrote a lot of it on my phone. It was the first project (no literally) where I intentionally explored queerness, especially my own feelings as a (sort of?) catholic at the time. I explored atheism a lot! Something I needed to process my own feelings about faith & God. I explored what it’s like to be this completely unhelpable person because you’ve decided there’s no possible way to help yourself anymore (hiiii Lonan). I also explored (a bit like a premonition), what it’s like to care deeply for someone you can’t help (but that you very badly want to help).

And I almost didn’t finish the book! The imposter syndrome and insecurity went crazyyy when writing Moth Work. I didn’t feel like I was writing the First Person Retrospective Flowery Literary Fiction I’d deemed as the only possible “good writing.” (Still LOVE but I really was struggling seeing a very minor style shift, which is funnily much closer to my writing now than when I was writing the “best” way.) I deleted so much from this book. I couldn’t look at it. I was so embarrassed by it!! I made ultimatums with it!! I edited it so much but still couldn’t stand it! It was literally the safest space I had and I could barely be there a lot of the time!!!

SOOOO this is why I’m very proud of me for finishing it lol & while I would typically have celebrated the anniversary idk, in 2021, bc it didn’t exist until this year it felt apt to sit with those feelings now. I’m really proud of 17-year-old Rachel who was undiagnosed autistic & convinced I was a lost cause, who was sooo afraid of being queer I could only think of that through Lonan (& sometimes still do thx king 🫡) who literallyyyyy wrote a masterpiece in my collection that contains some of my best work (even if I only realized that 4 years later) & that’s been the start of EVERYTHING!

This is so much more than a book or an anniversary!! Somehow I made it through all the things I didn’t think were possible and now have written 2 books & 3 (writing the fourth) novellas allllll in this world. AND 2 additional novels in his POV!! Also thank you baby Rachel for Jeremiah. Like hello!!!! This is the only place I felt safe to be myself when I couldn’t be with anyone else! And there’s something priceless about that…

And it’s all bc of Harrison!!! Whoever I saw in that man in 2019… girl thank you!! Can’t explain what it’s like to grow with that character (who is sooo much more than that to me). Never would I have predicted where I am now. And IMO, that’s all thanks to him so ily fictional man in my head, this is soooo his day LOL.

& if you were here since the first MW update & made it this far… I MUST KNOW!!!!

[lindsayisfindingflow]

The update

Alright here’s that life update I threatened to post last week. The tl;dr version is that I am in a slightly different place in my life compared to the last time I posted (2020 to early 2021ish), but in many ways I feel like I’m in a similar place in my life as I was in my early 20s, and it’s made me miss posting on tumblr.

2021: this was a year with a lot of career growth for me - we were getting a lot of new projects, and I was able to join projects in roles that I had not previously filled before. Halfway through the year, I found out that we were being acquired by a much larger consulting firm. There were many benefits and drawbacks that came (and continue to come) from that. From a fitness perspective, I also trained for and completed my second Ironman (it was actually 2 years ago exactly today.) Shortly after that race, things got *very* busy at work.

2022: late 2021 to early 2022 was the most stressful period of my life with respect to work. There were times that I was working on 5-8 projects at once, and trying to be the project manager/primary contact on 3 at once. March/April 2022 was definitely a low point for me, and I was starting to get very burned out. Around this time I finally started rolling off of projects, but it took me until probably August/September to feel motivated by periods of stress instead of worn down/frustrated by them. This time period definitely took a toll on my fitness too. I completed a marathon in April (I think my mileage maxed out at 30, so I was likely operating off of old Ironman fitness), and I did a few summer triathlons too. In the Fall I trained for another marathon, but unfortunately had my first DNF due to knee pain from mile 13-18.

2023: This year has been much more manageable from a work perspective - I’ve been the project manager on one project, and have supported a handful of other projects/internal efforts to a lesser degree. This year has been even worse than the last in terms of fitness though, because I was dealing with hip pain from January through July. I started physical therapy for it in March, and did a PRP injection at the end of June. So far I’ve been doing well since ending PT, though I haven’t really had a chance to built my fitness back up.

So I guess that brings me to the present day - I want to figure out what fitness means for me in my 30s. I would love to get back to the level of fitness I had in my 20s, but I do think that I prioritized my level of fitness over other important areas of my life before, and I don’t want to do that again (or at the very least, I don’t want to do that for long periods of time). I don’t want to let my house to become an absolute wreck, and I want to make sure that I’m maintaining my joints/ligaments/bones so I can keep doing this for a long time. I actually got a dexa scan done last year, and between the results of that (I was in the 24th percentile) and my recent joint issues, I think strength training needs to be a priority, even if it’s not my favorite type of workout. I know being in your 30s doesn’t make you old, and many people reach peak fitness in their 30s, but I’m starting to realize that I need to do things differently now if I want to be one of those people.

[moonfromearth]

This tag is all about looking at your past. All you need to do is to find one of the first screenshots you ever took (preferably also published), and post it beside the recent one! And tell everybody when you took that first picture! Oh, and don’t forget to tag your posts! #sweet beginnings tag

I was tagged by @simmingonthelow thank you so much I can't wait to do this one (and sorry it took me so long to get to 😅)!!

Also this is probably going to get really long I am so sorry in advance.

Okay so the oldest screenshot I have is this one from December of 2019 of my test sim signing up for University (because I'd recently gotten the pack)...

It's from some troubleshooting I did using my brother's computer before transferring it over to my new computer on January 1st of 2020, where the first screenshot I took was this one of a sim and she's also going to University but I wanted to include her here because I love her and she was adorable...

Aah the alpha cc phase. But here is the first screenshot I technically posted, a closeup of my sim Nicholas that I thought was funny, and then became my profile picture. It was posted in 2021 but the screenshot but is probably from late 2020....

Aaaand this is the last cas and gameplay screenshots I posted were...

So cool I love seeing how much my style has changed. I love that I'm still taking the same pictures of my sims at their computers 😊

I think a lot of people have already done this since I'm so late but if you haven't and you want to feel free to do it and say I tagged you! 😉

[akwardlyuncool]

Sitting To Know Your Collection January Roundup

Week 1 (January 5th- January 7th)

Album: Learning Logic (2016) by Camilla Recchio Play Count: 5-ish times. Top 2 Tracks: I’m Gone (Track 9) I Don’t Wanna (Track 2)

I started week one a little late, cause the idea for this challenge/project came to me late, but I still managed to get a few good listens in. I had the wheel picker spit an album from my collection out and this is what it gave me. If you haven’t heard Camilla Recchio before I highly recommend you check her out. Listening these last few days just reinforces how good I think she is. The album is soulful and vibey and I didn’t mind having it on repeat. Solid first week.

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Week 2 (January 8th - January 14th)

Album: Peace Love Death Metal (2004) by Eagles Of Death Metal Play Count: 4 Top 2 Tracks: San Berdoo Sunburn (Track 13) Whorehopping “Shit, Goddamn” (Track 12)

Not gonna lie I was not immediately siked for this one. I thought I was gonna have to sit through a week of death metal on repeat and although I do enjoy metal, I just wasn’t ready for that lol. Now that I’ve given it a few plays I can first tell y’all I was wrong, it’s for sure not death metal and second it was not bad at all. It had a funky, classic rock kind of vibe and I was actually super here for it. I think the metal dudes would get down with them for sure.

I got this CD sometime last year I believe, when my boss was getting rid of a whole bunch of CD’s cause it seemed cool and different and I don’t have much metal in my collection lol and it’s for sure staying. I took a chance and that chance paid off. There were some things I didn’t completely rock with, but for the most part I’d check out whatever dive bar these folks are playing at. Week 2 was the prime example of why I’m doing this.

Also I just checked their Instagram and their look matches PERFECTLY to this sound. Love the mustaches, love the suits, love the entire energy.

__________________________________________________________________

Weeks 3 + 4 (January 15th - January 22nd)

Week 3 Album: Corinne Bailey Rae North American 2X Disc Deluxe Edition (2007) *Emphasis on the 2nd disc by Corinne Bailey Rae. Play Count: 4 with 1 full run through. Top 2 Tracks: I’d Like To Weekender Remix (Track 8) Daydreaming (Track 6)

Week 4 Album: I Am Me (2005) by Ashlee Simpson Ross Play Count: 5 Top 2 Tracks: Catch Me When I Fall (Track 8) Say Goodbye (Track 11)

Sorry this is a long one. You’re getting a double feature this week, because I paused my posts cause that was one of the ways I was participating in the strike that was happening last week. Anyways, but not really cause Free Palestine, both albums were good.

Corinne Bailey Rae’s self titled is one of my favorite albums of all time, however this second disc took me a minute to get into. The flow just wasn’t as automatic as I thought it would be, but it eventually picked up with help from the lyrics and a full run through of both discs. Once you’re there, you’re vibing.

Made an exception for this album because of the second disc that I had never listened to.

As for week 4, it was automatic with I Am Me. The album starts with Boyfriend, which is never not a good time and just continued from there. It was fun and poppy and had that little rock edge all the pop girls who dated rocker guys from that era had. Good stuff. __________________________________________________________________

Week 5 (January 29th - February 4th)

Album: PETALS for ARMOR (2020) by Hayley Williams Play Count: 4 Top 2 Tracks: Why We Ever (Track 10) Sudden Desire (Track 5)

Not gonna lie this one wasn’t automatic for me, like I thought it would be. It took a moment and even then I wasn’t sure. That being said the 80’s vibe did grow on me and the songs that I wasn’t really feeling at the beginning almost became favorites, particularly “Roses/Lotus/Violet/Iris” and “Simmer.” I can see the bleed from what Paramore is putting out and her solo work, even if it’s only a slight bleed. It’s Hayley Williams so you’ll probably find something to like.

PS: I saved this one from getting tossed at the library and I’m glad it got picked cause it makes me not regret saving something I didn’t have space for.

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So those are the albums that I sat with in January. I think it was a good variety. Which one would you check out?

Stay tuned for February.

[yoonieper]

Update 🥴

Soooo yall I know promised the holiday fics but either a) they’re just going to be put out later or b) we might need to wait till next year… end of the semester was crazyyyy for me honestly. Thanksgiving break I did a bit of traveling, when I got back I had 3 papers and 3 exams to get done all in about 2 weeks— I’m done luckily, we’re through all the stress but now I’m on vacation and won’t be back home till Christmas so… 😬

The chances of me getting things done while I’m here is pretty slim, we’re pretty booked so I really won’t have too much time to write unfortunately… I might be able to do the Tae one I had planned because that one is short and even though it’ll be a little late, I might be able to get it out and done! I had started Jimin and Jk’s fics but they’re a bit longer and def won’t get it done before Christmas butttt maybe a delayed January post… maybe? I won’t make any promises because I’ve been so stressed basically since November and I don’t want to overdo it before the next semester starts and I have work all over again. I’ll write what I can but again like I promised things are planned and nearly ready for next year if all else fails. Pecattiphilia will be returning soon, my first part of my Jk series will certainly be posted sometime next year, working on the last two parts before I am ready to post— plus I’ll finally get back to all those unfinished oneshots I have sitting in my drafts still. 2024 I’ll be back hopefully more than ever!

Also been really sad since Tae, Joon, Jk, and Jimin all left— been an army since 2017 and I’m so used to having them in my life. Flip flopping between 2025 will be here before we know it and just dread cause it’s only been a few days and I’m this close to loosing it. It’s actually crazy, even though I didn’t start posting on tumblr till 2020 I think I’ve been working on BTS fics since the year I became a fan. That work is on wattpad and if you ever want a good laugh you can check out ‘If…’ major cringe but also a bit of a tease for my major project *hint hint cause I feel bad* A better version of it will be out hopefully soon here on tumblr! Anyway, that was to say that BTS have seriously been a major part of my life and I feel lost knowing that we have to move the next 18 months without them, many of yall probably feel the same way. I will do my best next year along with Seokjin and Hobi at filling the void a little until our ot7 returns better than ever. Miss my babies lots and ughhhh can’t wait for 2025!

tl;dr

Traveling, exams, papers kept me busy and couldn’t work on holiday fics— might be published later in January but no promises,,, working on stuff to post next year,,, missing bts like crazy, bring my babies home :’)

[insecateur]

2022 fic wrap-up!

Here it is, my 2022 fic wrap-up! I'll divide it in three parts: general rambling about writing, month-by-month discussion of what I wrote in more detail, and a conclusion about what I'd like to get done this year a.k.a. 2023!

(I wrote so much I'm sorry.)

   

General Thoughts and Rambling about Writing

I've had multiple times when I'd say I stopped writing. I wrote a lot when I was younger, both fic and original, always in my native language (French.) I also roleplayed a fair amount. Back in 2011, after a very bad time in my life, I stopped writing. My last attempts were roleplaying posts; I think by that time I hadn't written fic in over a year. 

For a little while, I focused on drawing exclusively. I even created an original webcomic that's currently discontinued. Then, in 2013, Pokémon X&Y came out–

I'd planned to write posts about my main X&Y fic series on Tumblr, but only wrote one and then never got around to writing the rest. I still want to, though! It probably covers most of what I'd want to say already, so I'll be brief: I got back into writing fic in 2013, for Pokémon X&Y, in English this time, and then lost steam the next year for a variety of reasons. I got back into writing again in 2015-2016, writing more or less exclusively for myself without sharing it except on dreamwidth and password-locked blogs. At the time, I think I felt self-conscious about posting fic on AO3 that I didn't think was "up to par," not to mention I felt guilty about my lingering WIP...

In late 2017, I got into a brand new fandom, Yakuza, and for the first time in four years started to focus my creative energy in something that wasn't Pokémon X&Y. I still thought about it a lot (Lysandre especially) but I was able to get into new ships that I was excited about for reasons that weren't "this reminds me of my ultimate blorbos." In 2018, I started working on a Yakuza fic that I then gave up on, until (encouraged by one of my friends) I got back into working on it in 2020.

I don't know what did it; I'd guess it was having someone who could cheer me on and who was also a writer, maybe, but in 2020 I really started finding pleasure in writing again. I finished the fic around the end of the year and got very sweet feedback (which I was surprised about because the topic of the fic isn't something I expected people to care about haha.) I was itching to write more but I was also kind of exhausted. I figured maybe this was going to be my fanfiction swan song, which I was pretty happy about, honestly. I still think it's a pretty good fic.

Then, in 2021, Pokémon Masters EX grabbed me by the throat–

It felt kind of eye-opening. It felt like I was back in 2013/early 2014 and suddenly I was fueled by the raw power of OTP. I reread my unfinished WIP, that I'd continued further from what was posted on AO3, and thought: I can finish this. Not only that, but I can make what I've already written better. It doesn't matter that it's been almost eight years, it doesn't matter if nobody cares to read it. I can do this, for me.

And I did!

Not only that, but it kickstarted me into getting back into writing for real. I posted the finished, rewritten (in parts) version of the fic in November (I promise I'll talk about this in more detail soon,) and then in December I posted another fic about them. Which then brings us to, of course, what this post is actually supposed to be about: 2022.

   

What I Wrote in 2022 (And Other Considerations)

I started out still riding that high from having finished my long fic, and posted two fics related to it in January, turning it into a series:

* The Pangs of Disprized Love: This one is an outsider POV taking place between two of the later So Long as We Can Say chapters. It was really fun to write, despite the subject matter! The last SLaWCS chapter is actually probably my favorite, as a post-canon aficionado, so getting to write more of that was a treat.

* And With Your Hands Your Hearts: This one is a more or less direct sequel. A marriage proposal... How corny. It felt like what the characters needed after everything they'd gone through, though. I had very strong mental images for this one and I'm still pretty happy with the result.

After that, I got to work on the sequel to Et Surtout Mourir de Langueur, the first part of my mutual pining saga. At the time, I ran into two issues:

— I was embarrassed by the idea of writing and posting smut on AO3. (Yes, this seems insane to me too now.)

— I was worried people would be put off by me writing Lysandre as submissive more "aggressively." (As in, actually making it clear that was what I was going for, and not just implying it.)

Because of this, I started getting writer's block, and found myself stalling after deciding to actually include explicit scenes in (what would become) Le Bien l'Ennemi du Mieux. But something very special would happen to me that month...

Indeed, February is the month I came to know Noah a.k.a. @jonphaedrus. Which seems both so long ago and way too little time. I will refrain from gushing and just say that had we not met, I might have never started posting E-rated works to AO3 and I might have even given up on writing that second mutual pining fic. So there.

Thus, in March, thanks to Noah (and Grey!)'s support, I finished and posted:

* Le Bien l'Ennemi du Mieux: They continue pining, but this time they fuck explicitly. A lot. Way too much if you ask me. The romantic tension does not resolve in this fic and did not resolve period in 2022 but it will in 2023 I promise.

My SLaWCS energy had not left me however, and so after taking a short break I started work on a direct sequel to And With Your Hands Your Hearts, where I'd explore Augustine and Lysandre's backstories at last. This quickly became a multi-chapter project, which I was anxious about because SLaWCS (the original fic) had been my only successful attempt at that, but the fact that I had been successful once – and now had support from a fellow prfr appreciator and author – helped carry me to victory.

So, in May, I successfully published:

* Wisely and Slow: Definitely one of my favorites from the year. A three chapters story about dealing with your demons and finding a new place to belong to in the world. I could talk more about it but I won't... for now. This is the last (plot-relevant) SLaWCS story I've posted so far; the next one is going to be the wedding one and I'm SO excited to work on it. SOON.

Taking a break from longer fic writing, I wrote this treat for Noah:

* That Give Delight and Hurt (Not): I feel like this was the first step toward me going full self-indulgent when it comes to publishing smut. It still has feelings, but there's no pretense of a plot, just two characters engaging in D/s fun. It was my first time posting actual PWP on AO3... emotional...

In June, struck by a sudden bout of inspiration at the very end of a challenge from a Discord server I was in, I wrote 20k in a week:

* Perfect as a Statue, Unadorned: A Xerosic/Lysandre fic where Lysandre is a robot. It's also one of my favorites from this year! Very underrated imo. It's long, it's an AU, it's for a rarepair... so I'm not really surprised, but I do wish more people would give it a try. Oh well.

And then, finally embracing my id fully, I wrote and shared what is probably still the most unhinged thing I've written in 2022:

* All in a Day’s Work: Also known as "Rocket Lysandre free use" which tells you all you need to know. Truly just pure bottom Lysandre PWP. I think about the tag "I Want That Pokémon Villain Obliterated" regularly. I originally wasn't even planning on posting it but doing that freed me from any kind of worry about what I was "allowed" to post on my AO3, because nothing else can come close to it. Also very underrated imo but not for the same reasons LMFAO.

I was slowly getting into the habit of writing regularly, so in July I decided to try my hand at writing short fics/ficlets based on prompts I found or that were sent to me. This way, I successfully wrote five ficlets:

* Phototaxis, Show Off, The Precious Time That We Have, Then We Shall Need Each Other & Aspectabund

I also participated in BDSM Exchange, with a fic! Which was my first time writing fic for an exchange – before that, I'd only done art.

* Viens Me Libérer de Mon Sommeil (Je Suis à Ta Merci): An OT3 (Diantha/Sycamore/Lysandre) fic for Noah! It has all of our favorite things: D/s, Lysandre getting run over, BDSM therapy... I nearly finished it in time for frenchflagshipping day, too, but missed it by three days. Alas.

Powered by pure hubris, in August, I decided to try my hand at Writer's Month... and couldn't pull it off (in parts because I got very, very sick mid-way through.) I'm not going to link all of my fics for that separately (they span from August to December) but I will namedrop a few I especially like. Otherwise, you can check them all out in my series! (Shout-out to the series-within-a-series specifically for the bodyswap storyline, too. I'll finish it in 2023! I swear!)

My favorites from August were:

* My (M37) friend (M32?) keeps alienating everyone we know with the way he presents his opinions: Absolute classic. A reddit post parody. I'd still like to write a sequel/spin-off someday.

* A Comedown of Revolving Doors: Kind of a weird one; I just caught a vibe and followed it without being completely sure where I was going with it. I do enjoy the result though.

* It’s a Mechanical Bull, the Number One: Bottom Dom content for the soul. I still think this one was very big-brained of me. Also the title does not get old.

* Hit Me With the Way They’re Flaunted: It sure is over 3k about Lysandre getting his tits tortured/played with. What else can I say.

August was also the month we started posting courage is the most foolish thing in the world a.k.a. roleswap! I am not involved in the writing (as in, I don't write it; I am definitely involved in the ideas and concepts) but I couldn't not give it a shout-out. 

For September, I'll cite this one:

* Something in Your Head You’ve Been Fighting All Along: It's cakeverse. I found out about cakeverse completely randomly and have not stopped thinking about it ever since. I'll probably write and/or draw some more at some point... It's still at the back of my mind.

I also participated in another fic challenge: to write an AU fic of no more than 5k words. It turned out a lot more difficult than I expected; I apparently do not do well with max word counts. Still, I managed to post:

* From the Throat, I’m Tied to You: A very horny soulmate AU. I just decided to write the kind of soulmates I'd like to see in fic, heh. Despite how hard it was for me to get the words out, I do enjoy the result, and it was fun to work on!

In November, I posted a fic for the exchange Fic In A Box! I feel like I've already talked about this one a lot LOL, so I won't get too into it.

* do let the old enmity be: A recursive fic for Noah's main prfr series. It's all in-universe stuff, and probably the most fun I had working on a fic this year. I was very pleased to see so many people enjoy it!

I also kept working on my late Writer's Month prompts, and my favorite for that month is obvious:

* Let Your Backbone Slide: My first time writing trans porn... finally, I can put what I want to see into the world (Dom trans/cis sub, in case that wasn't clear.) I like this one a lot, tbh. I'd like to write a sequel/related fic sometime soon.

Finally, the last month of the year: December! My end of the year was really busy. I had a lot on my mind. Still, I managed to post a few more Writer's Month fills and one very special fic:

* De nouvelles saveurs: My last fic of 2023! And it's in French! It's 12k words of flirting via baking croissants. Before writing a short thing for my FIAB fill, I hadn't written in French in over a decade... so it was an interesting experience. I am pretty happy with the result though! The croissants (quaso) got baked and that truly is all that matters. 

I'll finish this off by giving a quick shout-out to the old fics I posted throughout the year. These are the fics I wrote back in 2016, as mentioned in the introduction of this post. Noah slowly encouraged me to post them on AO3, even the ones I was the most embarrassed about. Since they've all been backdated, I don't remember the exact month (of 2022) they were posted on, so I'll just give them to you in their original chronological order:

* Fighting With My Weak Hand: A post-canon story about Lysandre trying to earn forgiveness. (Yes, it was already my shit in 2016.)

* Status Symbol: Car sex.

* A Lesson in Self-Control: Omorashi. 

* This Is the Finest Game, It Ain’t Even Got a Name: Spy AU. Very self-indulgent.

* Midas Touch: Lysandre doesn't masturbate. Augustine investigates.

* Give Me Fire, Burning Hell: My original soulmate AU.

Phew. Okay, now that that's all out of the way–

   

What 2023 Has In Store (Hopefully)

I have a lot of WIPs.

See, at the beginning of 2022, I told myself I'd only have one WIP at a time. That way, I could focus on one thing, and get things done at a good pace. Unfortunately, as I began writing more and more, and chatting with Noah about ideas, I started listening to the devil on my shoulder telling me I could just work on multiple things at once.

...and I could! At the end of the day, "a lot of WIPs" isn't actually even that many WIPs. Still, I have a bunch of stuff I'd like to get done in 2023, writing-wise:

— I have an unfinished SLaWCS smut spin-off that's like two scenes away from being done and has been for months. I really need to get back on that.

— I have, of course, part 3 of my mutual pining series. I'm nearly 10k into that and Arceus knows how long it'll get. But I'll finish it this year for sure!

— I have the few prompts left from my Writer's Month, most of which I have ideas for if I haven't already started them. I will complete it this year (and not give the prompt list for this year a try, I'm sorry–)

— I have a few challenge fics I started and never finished that I might or might not go back to. (One I'm fairly confident I can finish; the other I have no idea where to go with so it might stay unfinished forever. Maybe I'll share what I have at some point.)

— I want to write in French more!!

— And, last but not least, I'm desperate to write more SLaWCS. I want them to get married!! I spent most of the latter half of 2022 writing shorter fics, and I really want to get back to longer works. I want to drop 60k of wedding planning that only five people will read. This is all I need to stay alive.

As for the rest... I'm still itching to participate in exchanges and other fandom events, so I have plans in that vein, but I don't want to give it away too early. I'm very grateful for the support I've gotten this year, no matter the content... Thank you for all your comments, asks, tags, kudos... I wouldn't have written this much without you! I don't know if I can aim for more than I did in 2022, but I'd like to keep at it, at least. 

So here's to another year of Pokémon fics... and art! If you've read this whole thing, thank you, too! I appreciate it! 🙏

[mementofloreo-archived]

An Update/Happy New Years Letter from Toby!!

hi folks, here's a catchup post from yours truly! it's a bit long so i've put it under a readmore, but there's nothing too serious under there, it really is just a life update of the same sort I try to write every new year!

sorry for not being around lately! i've been having a pretty bad chronic pain flareup and have been kinda sick.

a while back my cat- who is a nasty little escape artist and very naughty boy!!- managed to get outside the house. it was on an evening when it would later get into the single digits.

milo's very important to me, and we live right next to a highway now, so every time he does this it's stressful. when he wasn't back home by around ten pm(despite each of us periodically going to check and call for him) I got pretty desperate. it was so cold out, and i felt distraught just thinking about him possibly getting sick or hurt or worse out there somewhere when it was 12 degrees and getting colder.

In the end I was wandering around calling for him out there for about half an hour, and then spent half an hour sitting on the patio with my phone and calling for him periodically. I knew spending so much time in the cold would make me really sick bc I've always been frail and highly sensitive to the cold dry of winter, so i have myself to blame for that.

i had to leave a blanket out for milo in the end bc it was getting hard to breathe; he did finally come home a little later and i found him on his blankie close to midnight. he was calm and not shivering or seeming sick, so he must have found somewhere pretty safe to hang out before coming and staying warm on the porch. he was VERY hungry and thirsty when he came inside but he's remained healthy since and in good spirits, so I'm fine with being sick. he's my baby and I would rather get a cold working to get him home than have him not come home at all, or let him get hurt or sick.

storytime aside, it's just a time of year when I tend to struggle a lot more with my emotional and mental health. my family has suffered through a lot of tragedies that took place around this time and it's also the worst time for my seasonal affective disorder. so on top of my physical health being worst in winter, so is all my other health. ongoing shortages of several different medications(mostly for adhd and similar symptoms) in my area mean that I am also without my adderall or concerta and haven't had reliable access since about november. I don't function at nearly even ten percent without them, so that has also been a big factor.

to my new mutuals, I'm sorry I haven't been around! I hope we can finally start chatting and plotting soon, because I truly do want to get to know you and see what clicks for us as writers.

and to my friends and other mutuals, thank you as always for your patience with my spotty activity and for still being sociable with and happy to hear from me even when I'm not feeling able to write. you're more precious to me(every one of you!!) than I can adequately express.

since the start of 2020, my life and my family's lives have all been very difficult, fraught with hardships of all different sorts and a lot of chaotic and unpredictable change. the divorce and eventual remarriage of one of my brothers; my mom and i moving out to live with her sister in the first months of 2020 in a last ditch effort to drive my dad to finally really address his drinking problem(he is now over a year sober!!!)

and then of course my mom getting sick that may,

and then never getting better.

and then we found out that she never would. she has chronic fatigue syndrome now, and issues with low blood pressure and breathing. the family home we'd lived in since I was just a little kid was old old old and we found out eventually that she had new mold allergies. as our savings dried up and we finally managed to sell and move out at the end of 2021, I knew '22 would be harrowing.

and it was. it was awful. from the end of january to the end of august I lived in the spare room at my brother's home, unsure what would happen from one day to the next, how long i would be there.

since early september my parents and i have been slowly settling into a double wide mobile home we were(by the grace of luck and higher powers) able to purchase rather than simply rent, when we had thought initially it would be difficult to even find an apartment that would meet mom's needs and be withing our range.

but we finally have some stability and peace of mind in our lives again. and I hope that will bode well for the rest of this year.

I don't know how soon I'll be consistently active here on the dashboard again, but I do want to try, even if it ends up a slow process. happy new year to all of you, and i dearly hope you will see more of me as it goes on.

-Toby

[rainmustfallts4]

CJ Bonnaview (Short Story)

Challenge/Date: Monthly Simlit Short Story/January 5th, 2020

Genre: Biography, Family, Slice of Life

Word/Picture Count: 792 words/8 pictures

Prompt: New

Original Note:

So, we were tasked this month to create a new character and give them a backstory while stepping out of our comfort zone. I created CJ Bonnaview as the opposite of me – someone who loves attention, is attractive, and wants to be in the spotlight! I used no CC, which was a struggle for me lol and I have all of the packs except for the Moschino Stuff pack. I really hope this is up to standard because I had no idea what to do for this lol I also filled out the PSD character profile that Lisabee posted but it wouldn’t save my answers so I just screenshotted them and uploaded to an album on Imgur which you can see here. I suck at character building and profiles but I did spend an hour filling it out so I wanted to share it 😛 DOWNLOAD: Origin ID: AnnoyingTiger888 / Name: MSLSS January / Tagged: MSSSC

‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊ ☔ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ ·͙̩̩͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩̥͙·̩̩̥͙̩̩̥͙˚̩̥̩̥̩̩͙‧͙ °̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥ 🍂 ‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊‧̍̊·̊‧̥°̩̥˚̩̩̥͙°̩̥‧̥·̊‧̍̊

Meet CJ Bonnaview, a thirty-year-old man living in Del Sol Valley with his parents, Joon and Liam Bonnaview. He’s a pretty self-absorbed sim with snobbish tendencies that’s far too up his own behind. In his eyes, he’s god’s gift to the earth and he won’t hesitate to let you know it!

His father, Liam, grew up poor before rising the fame through his music. Now, he’s a five-star celebrity and world-famous musician. His mother, Joon, is just as self-absorbed as her son, living for the fame and the fortune her husband provides.

Since he was a small child, CJ was pampered and praised, always told that he was the very best at everything he did, even when he wasn’t. He only needed to say what he wanted and it was presented to him atop a golden platter. Because of this, he’s full of entitlement, expecting the world to bend to his wills and wishes.

He wasn’t always a lost cause, however. You see, the most important person in his life has always been his grandfather, Charles. The man taught him to be kind and polite, to be selfless and love his fellow sim, and these lessons actually stuck. At least they did until the day he lost his grandfather. He was at the impressionable age of ten, and this loss struck him hard. He stopped opening up to others and lost all empathy for anyone other than himself.

His grandfather taught him one last lesson with his passing – the only sim that won’t leave you is yourself. He promised himself that day to never get close to another sim, and so far, he’s stuck to that promise.

The relationship between him and his mother is a strong one. Since they share many of the same ideals and morals, they get on quite well and love to lounge by the pool, talking about the latest fashion trends while mocking those of lesser status than themselves. The relationship between him and his father, however, is much more strained.

You see, his father realized too late what kind of monster his son was becoming. He’s tried for years to set his son on the right path, attempting to teach him empathy and kindness, but CJ had already been far too spoiled to take these lessons to heart. Because of this, the pair often butt heads, ending in flaring tempers and hurtful words slung around carelessly.

CJ has had the same desire for most of his life – he wants to be famous, a household name that everyone knows, and he wants the wealth to prove it. While the path he wants to take has changed many times, the destination has remained the same. When he was ten, he wanted to be an astronaut famous for finding an unknown planet. At age twenty, he wanted to be a professional basketball player famous for his shots that never miss. And now, at age thirty, he wants to be an actor famous for bringing charisma and beauty to every role he plays.

There’s only one problem, and it’s a big one.

His father has had enough of his entitlement.

“I’m tired of your entitlement!” Liam yells angrily. “You’re going to learn what it means to struggle and work hard for what you have!”

“What are you gonna do, kick me out?” CJ scoffed.

“Actually, that’s a great idea!” Liam’s angry expression morphed to one of approval. “Pack up a bag, son, you’re leaving the Bonnaview Estate!”

“Wait, what?!”

CJ tried to charm his way out of the situation, as he always did when someone became fed up with his ways, but his father is immune to the charm and doesn’t budge on his stance. When that fails miserably, he pleads with his mother to talk some sense into her husband, but she merely starts to sob and cry about how her precious baby was being taken from her.

After stuffing as many of his designer clothes into one duffel bag as he could possibly fit, his father handed him a piece of paper with an address on it, a key, and one thousand simoleons. After all, Liam Bonnaview may be strict on his son, but he could never simply put him out on the street without a simoleon to his name. No, even in his anger, he purchased his son a cheap house in Mirage Park.

CJ didn’t see this as an act of kindness, however. No, he saw this as pure torture and he was convinced that his father hated him. He’s always been one for dramatics.

As he stared at his new home, rain beginning to fall from the cloudy sky, for the first time in his life he felt afraid and wished desperately for his grandfather.

[wecouldmakediamonds]

Jukebox January: Day 4, and 5, and 6... and 7... and 8 and 9 too...

the original post tag of all my posts

So, I fell victim to the classic "I got distracted and missed one day... so now I'll just do two the next day... but that's overwhelming so maybe I'll wait until the weekend... and then somehow now it's the 9th and I missed doing a whole bunch of days that I really had great songs for." So I'm doing it all now. At once. But in a smaller format: no links, and I'll only write paragraphs for the ones that I have a lot to say about. Then I can feel good about catching up!

On to D, E, F, G, H, I:

Demoni - Joker Out My soundtrack of 2023. The song that changed my year by making me fall in love with the music of five shagadelic Slovenians. The first Joker Out song I listened to when I wanted to check out more music from Eurovision artists, and I was hooked. Seriously, this song creates such an atmosphere that I had to listen to it over and over and over. I think it's that the beat kind of reminds me of a heartbeat? Like when you're alone and it's very quiet and all you can hear is your own heartbeat. Which does feel a bit like you're alone with your demons...

Democracy - Leonard Cohen Released in 1992, but sounds almost like it could have been written in 2020. I listened to this song a lot that year, and it captures America so well, all about the irony of the struggle for democracy in a country that's theoretically based on democracy. I could say a lot about this song, and maybe I'll come back to this later and write more, because every line has something I could say about the connections between 1992 and 2020.

Dear Dictator - Saint Motel All I have to say here: "It's not too late to say you're sorry, but it's too late to truly mean it" is one of my favorite lyrics ever, never have I heard it said so well, how I feel about people who have done unforgivable things.

Dzeguzes balss - Carnival Youth A cover of a song from a Latvian movie from several decades ago, and while I admit I don't know the whole context of the movie, the song's lyrics are so, so good. No matter what, the voice of the cuckoo can't be stopped: "Mēs to norakām bedrē, sirds stūrī/Bet, kad mazliet atlaidās sals/Tad kā naiva narcise izlīda/Dzeguzes balss!"

Dead Star - Muse

Do I Wanna Know? - Arctic Monkeys

DESTROYA - My Chemical Romance For one of my favorite lines ever: "with blood they wash in money", and for how much I love the overlapping vocal parts in the end.

Dear Jealousy - MIKA

Dīvainas Parādības - Embark I have to plug this band because I'm one degree of separation away from the ex-drummer. So, check them out!

Eternally Missed - Muse Too good of a song to be buried as a B-side forever, the guitar effects in this building up the tension are amazing, and the emotion just pouring from Matt's voice.

Eve of Agnes - XIXA and Imarhan

Eyes - Sudden Lights

Enjoy the Silence - Depeche Mode

Ero s onoga svijeta - Let 3 I always love crazy Eurovision acts because they almost always have a serious meaning buried underneath the music. When I got to learn about Let 3's long history of saying "fuck you" to fascism and the background of this song (taken from the most famous Croatian opera), that's what made me love them most of all.

Fifty Years After the Fair - Aimee Mann So, this is again a song of some really specific interest of mine, and this is from a time in my teens when I had a fascination with the 1939 World's Fair. And the song is all about how the fair was showing such a bright future and then--WW2 in Europe broke out while the fair was still going on. "How beautiful it was, tomorrow" is the line that breaks my heart every time.

Famous Last Words - My Chemical Romance

Fallout Shelter - Mike and Bernie Winters Another one of those Fallout-game-vibe songs that I love so much.

Figure It Out - Duncan Laurence I don't actually listen to Duncan much, but this one is important to me because it's the one that @sorrelink sends to me when I'm anxious about the future.

Friction - Imagine Dragons I know this band is much-maligned for making empty stomp-clap stadium music, but their second album is really, really good and has some incredible lyrics. This one in particular I remember listening to a lot in my last year of high school when I was feeling a lot of pressure to succeed and stressing about it.

Fitter Happier - Radiohead Less of a song and more of an interlude on the album. I just used to listen to OK Computer a lot in my teens and this is what I always think of with that album.

Gennifer Flowers - Fever Dolls

Give Me The Future - Bastille

God Knows I Tried - Lana Del Rey Another artist I don't listen to much anymore but who I listened to a lot in the past. To me she does satire of America amazingly, but at the same time doesn't seem self-aware of it, but it also might just be an act of her stage persona? Anyway, this song is a favorite of mine just for how this line makes me feel: "Put on that Hotel California, dance around like I'm insane/I feel free when I see no one and nobody knows my name"

Ghost Lights - Woodkid

Gladiator - Jann

Hysteria - Muse One of the best songs ever, and I know I'm biased because I love Muse, but: The legendary bassline. The way the guitar solo builds all this tension and then explodes out. "I'm not breaking down, I'm breaking out." 1000/10, if you don't know this song you need to.

Hooked on Radiation - Atomizer Sometimes Spotify gives you some random song from 2003 and it's really good?

Haemoglobin - Placebo

H.S. - Tom Cardy The most inspirational comedy song ever. Like, it's meant to be funny but it also makes me feel so much better about myself. Also it's about space.

Home - Dotan

In corpore sano - Konstrakta Every single time I look at the lyrics of this song (or someone's analysis of the song) I get more and more layers of meaning. This whole song is literally an art piece, she is so good at seeing social issues and writing about them in a way that packs so much into a 3 minute song. And as someone who has a lot of health related anxiety -- "a sick mind in a healthy body" is all too real of an experience for me.

Izbēgšana - Sudden Lights

I Appear Missing - Queens of the Stone Age

Istanbul (Not Constantinople) - They Might Be Giants Could not resist adding this. If you don't know it, you need to. Why did Constantinople get the works?

In the Year 2525 - Zager and Evans A classic in the "looking at the future from the 1960s" genre I love so much.

I Am Not a Robot - MARINA (Marina and the Diamonds) An important reminder to me, someone who struggles a lot with being a people-pleaser: better to be hated than loved for what I'm not.

[comfort-and-campfires]

Hello, this is an old blog

You’re not gonna find anything to follow here, tbh.

If you see this blog interacting with a post, it’s cause it used to be my main and I don’t have the heart to delete it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

I’m over here instead, if you need to contact me.

[bebepac]

A Piece of Heaven on Earth: Part 4

AN1: So I thought I could finish this in four parts, but I was wrong.  This story really seems to almost write itself.  I originally thought three parts would work, but now I think I’m splitting this last part up. There will be 5 parts and an Epilogue. I think this works the best.  This is part 4 of A Piece of Heaven on Earth, to catch up on what you’ve been missing, please check out:  A Piece of Heaven on Earth

The Book:  TRR (no royals) Pairing:  Liam x Riley Word Count:  3225 Warnings and Ratings Profanity, sexual innuendo, mention of character death: Teen Summary:  Liam makes a choice that could impact both his and Riley’s lives. Song Inspiration: Make You feel My Love by Adele Movie Inspiration:  Just Like Heaven

Original Post:  03/29/22 at 3:59PM EST

A/N 2:  This is very special to me.  So please be kind.  I’m writing this as a tribute story to my Riley FC, the late Cheslie Kryst, in a way to deal with my grief which has almost been consuming my life.  I started following her in 2019 when I was watching the Miss USA pageant.  I rooted for her immediately.  Not only was she from my home state, but she was just this bright twinkling light on stage, she was a minority, like me. So when I came to the fandom in January 2020 and started writing stories for TRR I picked her as my Riley FC because she embodied what I wanted my “Riley” character to be.  Even in her untimely passing, I am still finding out more about her life and I have written her pretty accurately, even down to having depression.  So I will say it again.  If you need help please reach out.

Three Years Ago

RILEY

When they had all got back to the apartment they shared at 4AM, she had thought they really should have tried to get a few hours of sleep before rounds, but they listened to Nico instead.

His idea was to just stay up, go to the corner diner and get breakfast, and roll into work, on no sleep and as much coffee as they could drink.  

Just so we’re clear.....It was not a good idea.  

At 7:45AM when they should have been preparing to start rounds, Riley was waking up after she had face planted on the table at the diner. Still groggy from lack of sleep, she realized that they hadn’t even ordered breakfast, but the waitress just let them sleep.  Tracie, the usual waitress there,  had seen many of the interns come into the restaurant over the years.  

“God Nico, you actually drooled on the table.”  

“Um at least I don’t have a quarter stuck to my face.”  He plucked the quarter free that was lodged to Riley’s  left cheek.  

“This was your worst idea yet Nico.”  

“At least we’re going to be at work on time.  Shit we’re fucking late!!!”

They put cash for a tip for Tracie on the table  and ran across the street to Mount Sinai.  They hid at the corner, and when their group of interns  walked by.

 They tried to seemingly incorporate themselves in like they weren’t almost a half an hour late for rounds, mingling in the back.

Dr. Ramsey noticed immediately.  

“You four are late.”

“We’ve been here the whole time.”

Dr. Ramsey side glanced at Nico.

“Are you wearing women’s scrubs Karahalios?”  

“I knew these felt too big.”  Riley adjusted her top.  

“Because they’re mine, Riley.”  

“How do you know they’re yours?”

“Because my name is written in them!”

He pulled the back so he could see the collar. Riley twisted the top so she could see his name written on the collar in black permanent marker.

“What are you, five?  Then why did you not put on the scrubs with your name in them, Nico?”

“Because they weren’t in the dryer!!! You got dressed first remember!!!!  But these do wonders for my figure. Damn RB1, I get why you twitch in these.

 My hips don’t lie.”

There was a light dusting of laughter from Nico’s comment which infuriated Dr. Ramsey.

“You four over here now!”

“I’m putting you on morgue duty for the rest of the week.  If you don’t want to take this seriously, you don’t need to be here.  Coming in a half hour late for rounds wearing each other's scrubs, is bad but this conversation that ensued after  is down right ridiculous.  You four were accepted into this program because you showed promise.  You four are like the Harry, Ron, and Hermione  of your class.”  

“That’s really a compliment, because we win it all in the end though.”  

“Nico, shut up. Not helping!”  Hana whispered, shaking her head.

“Get your shit together you four.”  

Over the next few days they had prepared many bodies to take to the morgue.  Mostly older people, which you can always say lived a full life.   The trip to the kids’ cancer ward was sad.  Even though all the children knew but shouldn’t have known at their tender ages  what death truly was, all the children’s doors had been closed and the shades pulled tight so they couldn’t see the Morgue crew bringing the body of another child out of the cancer ward, because they lost their battle with cancer.

On the last day, it was her.

“How do you think she died?”  

“Don’t know, don’t care.”  

“Nico don’t be an ass.”

“I’m not, we are morgue crew this week, it’s not our job to care, about what happened to them. We are  just here to bag ‘em and tag ‘em.”

“She  has no bruises so, it wasn’t in an accident.”

“And she’s still wearing her pajamas from home.”

“So it had to be something quick, they didn’t get a chance to even take her out of her clothes. Maybe an aneurysm or something.  Possibly anaphylaxis or an asthma attack.  She looks too young and healthy for some sort of cardiac event. She was DOA on arrival most likely.”

Riley stared at the woman with a fair complexion with long crimson locks.  

“The husband  was a mess.”

“You saw him, Bryce?”

“Leaving yes.  I don’t think I’m ever going to get completely used to watching people cry after we deliver bad news.”  

Riley again looked at the  young woman with the scarlet hair in sadness.

“I couldn’t imagine starting the day with someone you love, and before the end  of the day, you lose them. It must have been difficult, for the both of you.” She whispered to her.

When Riley went to wash her face, she felt the equivalent of what felt like an electric shock to her body, and during it she was sure she could hear someone whisper, but she couldn’t make out the words.  It really scared Riley.

“Can we hurry up guys?”  The uneasiness was evident in her voice.

Nico laughed.

“Are you scared Riley?  Come over here, I’ll protect you.” Nico flexed his muscles.

“Ugh never mind Nico.”  

“Come over here girl! I mean it’s only a formality now as we’ve already been in each other’s pants.  We mine as well, make it official.” He winked at her.

“I’m not putting those scrubs on again until you wash them.  There’s no telling what’s going to jump off you onto my lady garden.”

“So we’re clear, is it a garden that is well trimmed, or a jungle safari?”

Hana gasped.

“And the next body the morgue crew is picking up is....”  Bryce whispered.

“Hey now I didn’t say I wasn’t down.  I’m definitely down, and go down. I’m just saying I need to know what kind of tools do I need to bring on the first ever RB1 expedition.”  

The group roared in laughter at the two of them.  He actually had calmed Riley down quite a bit.

That night was the first time she had a dream of his garden.

Riley felt the need to straighten out her clothes as the woman approached her.  

“This must be strange for you isn’t it?”  She asked.

“I don’t know what this is.”  

“Isn’t this garden beautiful?”

“It is.  I’ve never seen anything like it before.”  

“He’s very creative, you know. The way he manipulates flowers, is the way artists use paint on a canvas. Make sure he continues to share his gift with the world.”  

“Who?”

“You showed me kindness and were empathetic for me, for us  when you didn’t even know us. A trait I don’t have,  that the both of you share. That’s how I know.”

“Know what?”  

“This whole situation is going to change who he is, and make him grumpy, sarcastic, and possibly a bit mean, but I think you’ll be able to still see past all of that to see him for who he really truly is.  I think in another place, another world, you and I could have been good friends."

She paused for a moment.

Actually knowing me probably not.”  

She laughed.  

“I don’t understand.”

“I know you want answers to your questions Riley, but that’s not what I’m here for.  You will get all the answers you seek in time.  Just know, fortune smiles on the kindhearted and empathetic, and that’s what’s going to bring the two of you together.”

The  Present

LIAM and RILEY

“Wow.  Liv came to you in a dream after her death basically giving you her blessing for now?”

“Looks like it.”  

“So we’ve been connected through her all this time?”  

“Yes, it appears so.”  

“It’s almost unbelievable.”  

Liam was so flabbergasted, he didn’t even hear his phone ringing.

“Liam your phone.”  

He jolted back into reality glancing at the caller ID.

“It’s Taylor, I’m going to put it on speaker.”  

“Hi Liam.  Is  Riley with you?”  

“Hey Taylor.  She is.”  

“I’m sorry Riley.  They don’t believe me.”   She burst into tears on the phone.  

“I feel like if it was you telling them they would believe you. They think this is a scam, and Liam is trying to scam us.   I even told them about Chance.  I’m so sorry.  I don’t know what to do!!!!”

“It’s okay Taylor.”

“Is she angry with me Liam?”  

“No Taylor,  she’s not angry with you.  Riley loves you and she always will.”

“Riley, I wanted to tell you in case, this is the last time I get to talk to you, and for you to hear me.  We don’t know the baby’s gender yet, but I already decided, since the name Riley can go both ways. I’m naming the baby Riley after you. Max is completely okay with it.”

“She says thank you. Your husband’s name is Max?” Liam asked.

“Yes Max, short for Maxwell.”  

“Maxwell Beaumont?”

“Yes….”

Liam slammed on the breaks.  Riley flinched, her whole body drawing up in fear.

“I’m sorry Riley I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m so sorry.”  

“You’re saying Maxwell Beaumont is your husband?”

“Yes.  What is it Liam?”  

“Three months ago my brother  called me to see if I would be interested to go on a blind date with one of Maxwell's friends but dinner was canceled.”  

Realization hit Liam like a ton of bricks.  

“I was going to meet you that night Riley.”

“But I got into a car accident.”  

“The BMW SUV, was your vehicle wasn’t it?”

“It was.”  

“You’re DOG MOM!!!!”

“I am.”  

“I wondered about what happened to you.  I saw your vehicle. How did you survive that?”  

“Nico saved my life.”  

“Did you leave flowers in our door Liam?”  

“I did. They were for my blind date.  For you Riley.  There are so many coincidences that put us together. This is not how this is going to end.  I refuse to let things end like this for us Riley.  Taylor, we’ll figure this out.  We’re down but we’re not out yet.  There’s still time.”

After he hung up with Taylor, he glanced over at Riley.  Her head was hung, and tears streamed down her cheeks.

“Talk to me Riley.”

“I don’t want to die, Liam.”

Liam bit his lip trying not to cry as Riley sobbed in the car next to him.  

“I know.”  He whispered.

“But I believe my parents think they are doing the right thing, given what they know about science, my odds for recovery, which are nonexistent at this point, and my current physical condition.”

She took a few deep breaths trying to control her crying and relax a bit.  

“If this is really going to be my last day on Earth, I don’t want it to be a sad one Liam.  So can we go somewhere special?  I want to see one of your gardens.”

“Okay, we’ll go, but know Riley, this is not me giving up on us.”  

It took a little over ninety minutes to get there, and Riley was shocked.

“I’ve been here before,  this was the one in my dream that I had about  Olivia.”  

“This was Liv’s favorite garden.  It was my first one.  I…. proposed to her here.  Is that weird I brought you here?  I’m sorry if it is.”  

“She was right, you are so talented. Why aren’t you doing this anymore?”  

“Because I lost my muse, and my love for it.  Losing her changed me.”  

“And you say I’m Casper the Cranky Ghost, but you’re actually living your life as a ghost Liam, but you can’t even call it living. You have a chance to just live Liam, and I need you to do that.”

“I NEED YOU TO LIVE TOO RILEY!!!”

“I don’t know if that’s possible.  But I promise, I will be here with you as long as I can. And you might not always be able to see me, but know my heart is with you.  Let’s just walk around for a bit, and enjoy the evening together.”  

They walked around the gardens in silence.  

“You know, I can smell the flowers.  I don’t remember smelling anything before when I was with you.   Even when you had pizza, and Liam I love pizza.”  

“Yeah, I like it myself, probably eat a little too much more of it than I probably should.”  

“But that’s life though.  It’s all about balance.  Breakfast, an egg white, spinach and cheese omelet, lunch a grilled chicken salad with almonds and arugula   but for dinner, a double bacon monster burger  with chili cheese fries from Ruby’s a large chocolate milkshake and a brownie sundae.”

“That’s a very specific example Riley.”  

“I’m a very specific person Liam.”  She winked at him.  

“You have a gift; a gift you should be sharing with the world.  The world needs more of this beauty.  Please stop hiding.  Get back out there.”

“All I’ve known is loss.  Everyone I love leaves me.”  

“That’s not true. You still have your brother, and you love him.  There is love all around you Liam, you just have to grab hold of it. Promise me, you’ll try Liam.”  

“I promise.”  

“If there is such a thing as unfinished business, I think I’m here for you Liam.  

That night three months ago changed so many people’s lives, but you’ve been stuck in a day from over three years ago, and it’s time to let that go. And I believe that’s what Olivia would want, and I know it’s what I want for you.  It’s time for you to start living again.”  

“Why?”

“That answer is so simple.  Because you can. You owe it to yourself and  to the people that you have loved and lost  to live your life to the fullest, and after tomorrow, I might be on that list too, and I'm really sorry for that.”

Riley wiped her eyes, and gave him a weak smile.

"Let's watch the sunset together, it looks like it's going to be a beautiful one."

They watched the sunset in silence.  

“Are your feet hurting?”  

“What would you do if they were, if I was your girlfriend?”  

“I’d carry you Riley.”

“What do you think it would have been like if we would have met that night?”  

“I wouldn’t have been able to take my eyes off you, in that dress.  Just like now.”

“I wish it would have happened like that.”  

"It's okay though we still met Riley. We were fated to meet."

“You're right. We were. Are you hungry? We’ve been gone all day and you haven’t eaten.  It’s getting late, we should head back.”

Liam stopped at Ruby’s and got a double bacon monster burger and chili cheese fries.

“You talked it up Riley you know I had to get it.  I’m going to eat it in a little bit, though.”

He rummaged through his pockets.  

“What’s wrong?”  

“I guess I locked myself out.  My key must be in the apartment.”  

“I keep a spare under the fire hydrant over there.”

When Liam moved the fire hydrant there was the spare apartment key with a red tip, the same color red that matched Riley’s door.

Forty-five minutes later Liam was putting his plate on the table, he had reheated his food, and when he brought out his drink Riley smiled.

Liam  had put his last Tahitian Treat he had bought in the freezer and was taking it out, and Riley saw it had frozen a bit.

“You did say letting it get slushy was the best way to drink it.”  

“I did….. I know what you’re doing Liam.”  

“This isn’t me saying goodbye to you Riley.  It’s not.  Because we’re not.  We need more time and we’re going to get it.”

“How?”  

“They can’t pull the plug on you if you’re not there for them to pull the plug… Is it an actual plug Riley?”

“It’s a machine, you turn it off, and how am I not going to be there?  We tried putting me back together and I wouldn’t stick.”  

“I’m going to steal your body from the hospital.”

Riley laughed.

“I’m serious Riley.”  

Riley abruptly stopped laughing.

“Okay Liam, let’s board the bus back from Crazy Town.  You can’t do that.  They could put you in jail. You could get arrested.”

“I don’t care!  It would give us more time together to figure this out.”

“There would be so many things to consider. Do you know how many things you would need to sustain the life of a person that is in a coma?”

“Well you’re a doctor, you can tell me, and it would only be temporary until we could get you back together. This could work, Riley.  You just have to tell me what to do. We could do this. It could work.”

Riley thought for a few moments.

“First we are going to need a van, and someone you trust that has a proclivity to be a little bit morally gray.”

“I need to make two calls.”

First Liam called his friend Drake.

“Drake do you still have your white serial killer murder van, and can I borrow it tomorrow?”

Liam gave a thumbs up to Riley.  The second call was to his brother.

“Leo I need you to come over, I need your help.”  

Leo showed up a little while later.  Liam explained  the whole situation to Leo.

“So you’re telling me she’s like a ghost but not, and you want to steal her body from the hospital, because you care?  Tell her to stand behind me. Ghost chick!  Tell Liam how many fingers am I holding up behind my back.”  

“Three…..  Five….. Two…. three….. None….. now three again….Hey, are you giving her the finger right now?!?!?!”

Leo turned around to look for her,  but he couldn’t see her.

"That's some crazy shit, and you can see her behind me  right now. RIGHT NOW?"

"Yes, she’s standing right behind you.  She's actually giving you the finger back."

"I like you Ghost Chick. My bad maybe I should be more PC. Would you prefer the term Lady Spirit?"

"She's good with Ghost Chick. Or you could not be a dick and call her by her given name which is Riley. Those are her words."

"Okay now I really like you…. Riley."

“So what are you thinking Leo? Will you help us?”

“We ride at dawn Bitches!!!!!!"

“And.....Morally gray?  Check.”

"Dawn is too early. More like 10:30AM."

"We ride at 10:30AM BITCHES!!!"

After Leo left  he looked at Riley.  “Please stay with me tonight.”  

“I wasn’t going anywhere.”

Liam talked to Riley as long as he could  until she could tell he was starting to fall asleep. Half asleep he whispered the words to her.

“I will do everything in my power to make sure you’re still here, this time tomorrow Riley.”  

“I know you will. I believe in you.”  

The next morning when Liam woke Riley was not next to him.  

“RILEY!!!”  

“I’m right here. I’m still here.”  She was sitting in the lounge across from the bed.

“I thought you left!!!”

“No. not yet.  Did you take this?”  

She pointed to the picture beside the bed.  The photo of Riley from New York.

“Yeah.  I thought I might never see you again when I left you with…. You.  And I wanted something to remember you by.  I’ve never been to New York; I’ve always wanted to go and see the Statue of Liberty in real life.”  

“Then promise me you’ll go.”  

“I want to go with you.”  

“I don’t know that I can.”  

“Promise me Riley. Please.”  

“I want to, but I can’t.”  

Riley burst into tears.

“Riley don’t lose faith in me. You said you believed in me.” 

Riley put a smile on her face for Liam.  

“Okay, we’re going to go together. We’ll make plans for it soon.”  she whispered.

There was an urgent knock on the front door. When Liam opened it, there stood Leo and he dangled a set of keys adjusting a pair of dark sunglasses.

“It’s go time. Let’s go save your lady love.”

CLICK HERE FOR PART 5 OF THIS TRIBUTE PIECE

[whysojiminimnida]

Hi, not necessarily jikook related, but I wanted your opinion about something of the perilla leaf discussion that I haven’t seen mentioned.

One thing I really don’t like about K-pop in general is the gatekeeping of the artists, so much so that if they are found out to have a SO it’s a huge scandal. I think two idols posted “apology” posts for their fans when they got married/had kids. Now I know this is something cultural that I clearly cannot wrap my head around, but I find it quite sad.

So back to BTS, I was very surprised about the perilla leaf discussion because it was them admitting (albeit indirectly) that they date and have relationships. Hopefully it is not news to anyone that men in their middle-to-late twenties date, but seeing the culture around Kpop in general I thought it was very cool that hybe would release that video (not to mention the whole gender neutral language use that dalloga explained).

I know it’s nothing but maybe one day the culture around idols can change (not that they should disclose their relationship status, just you know live their life knowing that if their relationship is founding out/they want to disclose it they don’t risk losing their careers).

A-HA. This is the commentary on the perilla leaf I was looking for. Thanks, nice anon! Here, please enjoy a pretty Jeon-Park hug-and-rub because NOTHING TO SEE HERE NOBODY DATING ANYONE AHEM (and thanks to phorenjj on twt for it because i stole it from them LOOK AT JEIKEI'S HAND) :

This stuck out to me and I have a call later with Kevin for oppa reasons (he hovers, lately) so I'm gonna ask him. About the perilla leaf thing, not about JeiKei's hand. Because I agree with you.

I haven't seen @dalloga 's explanation but I love her so whatever she said is definitely correct. For me I just noticed that the word used was gender neutral in Korean. It just means "partner" basically and can be used for any gender, so it was a good choice and I was happy to hear it. My spoken Korean is truly awful but I know a little bit. Kev's trying y'all. HE'S TRYING. Regardless, the intent was there not to say "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" specifically but to punt that word in favor of a gender neutral term, and I appreciated that. AND HOLY CATS YES I have been hoping someone would bring up the "oh hey we are adults who, y'know, peel perilla leaves and have partners and do adult sex things" because THIS IS SO UNUSUAL FOR KOREAN ARTISTS. Y'all know this is very out of the ordinary when just last year iKON's Bobby had to apologize to fans for getting married and fathering a child. In 2020 EXO's Chen did the same, even though he did not say he was sorry when his wife had their second child in January. It's an issue. We've seen how stans handled Tae's probable girlfriend and his response to that fairly recently. These guys even THINK about showing up with a woman (god forbid a man) and we like to think ARMY would be cool with it but based on my observations, that is NOT THE CASE. Maybe half of us would be fine, even supportive, but there are real, actual dangerous solo stans out there who could and would present a physical threat to the safety of ANY significant other. There's a whole slew of reasons our guys have ALL stayed "single" all this time, even though it's very likely that the majority of them are involved outside the group and two of them have been a couple for years. And I do think Bang and Co. are supportive of, IDK, letting grown ass adults be, IDK, grown ass adults. Which, in K-pop, is refreshing. I dunno if it's just BTS or if they'll do the same for other groups. I hope they do.

Speaking of whom, have some pretty Jikook doing that photoshoot hug.

Thanks again, nice anon. :)

[freakcliff]

The Not-Really-Official Mighty Nein Ao3 Ship Stonks

[image id: a graph showing the popularity of various critical role campaign two ships on ao3 over the course of campaign 2 /end id]

Anyways! I decided to go through all the fics written in the Critical Role tag from the start of Campaign 2 to the end, and see how the general shipping landscape has changed throughout the campaign!

I gathered together the most popular (to my knowledge) cr2 ships on Ao3 and looked at the numbers month by month (I wish I could have done it weekly, but that would have been simply too much) to put together a spreadsheet and a bunch of graphs!

I’ll include a link to my whole google sheet on this in a reblog, because the last time I did something similar for Vox Machina, tumblr ate it and I got like 7 notes for all my hard work.

More graphs (I made individual ones for each pairing for readability) and a bit of me talking about the stuff I found out under the cut

[Image id: a similar graph to the one above, but where the top one shows fic numbers by month, this graph shows cumulative numbers /end id]

Here’s a cumulative graph of the same thing as the one on the top of this post. It’s easier to read than the first one, but it doesn’t show how different ships gained and lost popularity over time nearly as well.

Onto the Ships! (Pardon the obvious extent to which I’ve been paying more attention to some ships than others and the gaps in info that come from such. This is just a project I did for fun, so my data analysis skills are far from perfect. However, if you know more than me and would like to provide insight, please do!)

[image id: a bar graph of how many Beau/Yasha fics have been posted to Ao3, month by month from January 2018 to June 2021 /end id]

Beauyasha  is currently the ship with the most fics in the Critical Role Ao3 tag (let’s go lesbians!!), with 1849 total fics, as of yesterday, July 15th, 2021. This seems to come from having a steady fic production over all of the campaign rather than being particularly popular right at this moment.

The most noticeable things here are how the fic count climbs slowly until after July 2018, when it drops off. I suspect this is because at that point in the campaign, Yasha had been gone for a bit and was gonna be gone for a while, so people lost interest in the ship. The second big jump is in May 2021, which is when Beauyasha week is hosted. Beauyasha week has been going on since 2020, if i remember correctly, but it didn’t cause enough of a jump in fic making to be noticeable back in 2019. You can also see how fics generally rose in numbers after hiatus and towards the end of the campaign as Beau and Yasha were looking more and more like they were gonna become canon/endgame (and eventually did).

[image id: a bar graph similar to the one above, this one cataloguing the number of Fjord/Caduceus fics over Campaign 2 /end id]

This ship is definitely the least popular one I’ve got here, and looking back I could have gone without including it, but I did all this data collection, so, oh well.

Notable points on here: Cad appears in July 2018, in episode 28, there are a few Fjord/Caduceus fics. I assume this is because of fandom doing as fandom does and shipping new characters with other characters as soon as they appear. Nothing much interesting happens till June-December 2019, which iirc is when most of the Angel of Irons arc and Fjord’s leaving Uk’otoa + joining the Wildmother arc is. The highest numbers are in April 2020, when Fjorclay week was held, and things drop off almost entirely soon after Cad is confirmed to be aroace in ep 114, in late November 2020.

[image id: another bar graph, similar to the bar graphs above, this one showcasing Ao3 numbers for Essek/Caleb]

This is the most fun one to me, partly because I’m incredibly biased, and partly because you can really see a lot of plot points in the show in the fic numbers here. If you look at the top graph with all the ships together, you can see that Shadowgast was the most popular ship by the end of the campaign in terms of people creating content for it currently, despite still being under Beauyasha and Widomauk in total numbers. (This makes sense, as both others have almost a 60 episode head-start.) (It’s probably still the most popular now, but i didn’t collect anything for July.)

There’s nothing from when Essek appears in episode 57 in early April. There’s a relatively big spike in fics from April to May, when Caleb rolls a 12 on persuasion and Essek teaches him some spells, despite the low roll. Stuff is relatively steady till a big uptick in fics in March 2020 (Episode 97 aired right at the end of February). The next big spike is in April, which is when Essek joined the Mighty Nein in Aeor, and after that in May, when Shadowgast Week was held. (Like Beauyasha, Shadowgast week has been going since 2020, but there wasn’t a noticeable enough spike in fics in 2020 to point out.)

[image id: another bar graph, similar to the bar graphs above, this one showcasing Ao3 numbers for Fjord/Caleb]

This is the point at which my bias shows (again, technically); I don’t really follow any people who were big Widofjord shippers while I knew them, so I have a harder time pointing out interesting things here. This ship has remained pretty consistent throughout the whole run of the Mighty Nein, being a bit more popular at the beginning (from what Liam said in the campaign wrap-up, I guess people were picking up on vibes pretty well.)

The biggest noticeable upticks are in February 2018, when I can’t remember anything interesting happening, though I will admit that I watched early Campaign 2 very long ago, and I don’t tend to notice things being romantic unless they’re directly pointed out. The next big spike in fics is in December 2018, when Fjord and Caleb make the blood pact at Divers Grave. The month with the most fics written is June 2019, when Widofjord week was held. I’m unsure if the week happened again, as there doesn’t seem to be much going on until July 2020. I’m unsure if this is because something happened in July or if it was just the campaign starting up again after hiatus.

[image id: another bar graph, similar to the bar graphs above, this one showcasing Ao3 numbers for Fjord/Jester]

Fjorester!! Out of the three ‘endgame’ ships of Campaign 2, this one is the lowest for total fics on Ao3. In terms of growing popularity, it’s not nearly at the levels of Beauyasha or Shadowgast, but it’s still a good deal higher than any others.

The ship goes pretty steady through most of the campaign, with a bit of a drop after December 2018, which I imagine is because of Jester dropping her initial flirting with Fjord. It ticks up a lot after the hiatus, when Fjorester looks like it’s heading for canon status, and goes up a lot when Fjord and Jester kiss in Episode 118 in December. The last point at which there are a lot of fics is June 2021, which is when Fjorester week is held. (Fjorester week has been going since 2019, but the first one was in late March through early April, and there seems to be none that I can find in 2020)

[image id: another bar graph, similar to the bar graphs above, this one showcasing Ao3 numbers for Beau/Jester]

Beaujester! I can’t think of a lot of interesting things to say about this ship outside of the graph.... It was pretty popular around the middle of the campaign, dropping off till the end when it doesn’t become canon.

Moments here: the highest point is in July 2019, when Beau wears one of Jester’s dresses. If I remember correctly, there were also a few things leading up to that point which could be read as pretty romantic (though Beaujester was definetly a ship in my general circle so I’m somewhat biased on that). In November 2019, fic output jumps up again, as this is when Beau tells Nott about her crush on Jester, in episode 84. Beaujester week is also held in November. There’s a bit of decline before July and August 2020, which I imagine brings numbers up again half because of how Travelercon centered around Jester and also half because the campaign started again after hiatus. Numbers drop off after that as it looks a lot more like Beauyasha and Fjorester are going to become canon over Beaujester.

[image id: another bar graph, similar to the bar graphs above, this one showcasing Ao3 numbers for Caleb/Jester]

Note again that I don’t know anyone who ships Widojest, so I don’t see a lot of it on my dash, ergo I don’t know a lot about it. But! It’s the highest non-canon ship on ao3 under Widomauk, with 1108 fics (as of yesterday), which is quite a lot.

The first notable spike is around December 2018. I can’t seem to pinpoint a moment that caused this? When I asked people on Discord, they thought it was perhaps because Jester sorta dropped her crush on Fjord around then. It makes sense that people might take that as an opportunity to turn to other pairings. The two biggest spikes in this graph are in July 2019, and July 2020, which, as you’ve probably guessed, is when Widojest week is held. Other than that, numbers have been pretty consistent throughout the campaign.

[image id: another bar graph, similar to the bar graphs above, this one showcasing Ao3 numbers for Caleb/Molly]

And here we are at the end of our ship graphs! Widomauk is still the 2nd most popular CR ship on Ao3, with 1725 fics (as of yesterday), and it actually held the top spot for quite a while, despite Molly having been dead for most of that time.

The fics go up in numbers pretty fast from February 2018 (which is when Molly kisses Caleb’s forehead in the gnoll mines in episode 7). They get really high around July 2018, when Molly dies, but go down a bit after that. I’d assume this is most likely because people figured out that Molly probably wasn’t coming back, and the big uptick in fics was half people dealing with Molly’s death and half people writing rez ritual fics and the like, though that’s just speculation. Fics go up in June 2019 because of Widomauk week (I couldn’t find any evidence to Widomauk week happening more than once). There’s an uptick in December 2020, which is around the time that the Tomb Takers start traveling with the Mighty Nein for a bit.

Now for some other things:

[id: 5 sets of photos of the drop-down ‘relationships’ list you can find when filtering a tag in Ao3. They’re labeled ‘top relationships, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, and all time,’. Each shows a slightly different assortment and order of Critical Role pairings, romantic and platonic. /end id]

(Sorry about how tumblr absolutely butchers my image quality by the way, you’ll be able to see all these way better in the sheet I’ll link in the reblog.)

Anyways, here’s the top relationships in the CR tag on Ao3 for each year of Campaign 2′s run. Note that these take into account only things written in that year, not things written up till and through that year. It’s pretty cool to look and see how different things have become popular through the years, and I think this best illustrates how what ao3 currently shows as the most popular relationships isn’t a reflection of the current most popular pairings.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say in this tumblr post! As I said, I’m gonna link the google sheet I have all of this on in a reblog, which includes:

the actual numbers in spreadsheet form

all the graphs pictured here, but in readable definition, and actually working (hover over lines to highlight them, and click on points to see the actual numbers)

and a few more notes on when all the important shippy moments happened throughout the campaign next to the numbers

So, at the risk of sounding like I’m telling you to go over to watch the show on Twitch for a live community moderated chat, if you’re interested, you should probably look at my spreadsheet because I spent so long working on it, please!

Also if you like this please talk to me about it! Again, I spent a ridiculous amount of time working on it and I will likely do something like this again whether or not people like it (but if people give me validation I’ll do it.... more? faster? something like that.)

[herrlindemann]

Carsten Gansel and Gitta Lindemann

This interview with Gitta Lindemann, Till’s mother, was conducted in 2020 for  the book “BEICHTE: Ein Lebensbericht”, an autobiography of Werner Lindemann, Till’s father. I only translated the parts referring to Till as the interview is quite long.

Carsten Gansel : The first memory switched between the present to the year 1941. "An icy January day forty-one", it says. «A newspaper has offered an apprenticeship for a farm apprentice. “So the narrator - and in this case the narrator is the author Werner Lindemann - talks about his youth. In 1941 he was 15 years old. And later it is about the experience of war and post-war. These were important parts for him, which he now brought out at the beginning of the 1980s.

Gitta Lindemann : Yes, that was very important to him and the family did not always understand that. A family that had nothing to do with this past and also wanted nothing more to do with it. But for him, for Werner, that was important, which is understandable. Because he was 17/18 and he has seen terrible things. And he always had to get it off his chest or just write it down. And his son always said or thought, "The war stories again". But that also shaped him, the son, Till, of course, that is clear.

(…)

GL: We then moved to Rostock. I actually wanted to go to Berlin. I wanted to go to the Funkhaus Berlin and could have worked there too. But Werner said, "Berlin is out of the question at all". Dresden would be another variant. But in the end Rostock was closer, also because our son went to the children's and youth sports school in Rostock and went to boarding school there.

CG: Your son, Till, was a swimmer at the KJS, the children's and youth sports school, and he had a tough swim training there.

GL: Yes, « im Wasser verbrannt » (« burned in the water »), he wrote later. Another wrong decision that I deeply regret. Yes, so now we lived together in Rostock. At this point in time we already had the house in Drispeth. We went there every weekend and we spent our holidays there exclusively. But my husband stayed longer, longer, longer, longer, until he finally lived there entirely and we only visited him on weekends. I came, cleaned, we received guests, I cleaned again, and we drove home. Sometimes Werner came to Rostock. That was our life. Maybe that's why it lasted so long. We were together and apart. Our home was the house in Drispeth.

CG: But weekend marriages are a phenomenon in their own right. And there is also something else, with people who are creative, that they just need their freedom.

GL: Yes, you have to understand that. If an idea was bothering him, he didn't want to take part in our conversations, then he withdrew. That's something that his son accuses him to this day: "He didn't care about me, not at all," he says.

CG: Is he right? How do you see it today, decades later?

GL: Maybe it really was like that. I didn't feel that way back then. Werner was out and about a lot at that time, to meetings, to readings, and mostly he sat at his desk, only to lapse into wild activism. «Let's go into the forest, collect wood». We needed a lot of firewood for our many and beautiful campfires.

CG: And in the beautiful book from 1988, "Mike Oldfield in the rocking chair", it is also about his son, who is called Timm here and who is around 19, in the high phase of adolescence. It is well known that conflicts with parents, especially with fathers, can be very strong at this time. And that can also be found in the text. Very different views of life collide, and it can be assumed that this was also the case in reality at the time, i.e. at the beginning of the 1980s. That what is being told here is to a certain extent authentic, even autobiographical.

GL: Yes it is. He could seldom understand how the son was doing. That he always has to sleep late on the weekend and does stupid things and provokes and spits cherry stones in his grandfather's face, his beloved grandfather. He couldn't understand that. But Till was also a difficult child who refused to submit. And that's why there was such competition between the men. And, of course, Werner was also hurt when he saw no sign of Till having thoughts similar to his. But where was he supposed to get it from when he was 19? But he would have liked to talk to him so much, in harmony with his feelings. Still, he believed in his son. I have heard from him very often: he will write one day!

CG: The need is understandable, but it is actually based on the wrong assumptions. The boys have to settle down first, and if they don't, the risk of failure is much greater. Today we know much better how this can only be measured over long periods of time. The so-called elderly must first offer the young the opportunities to develop themselves, that means they have to give them freedom. And of course this also includes the contradiction, young and old do not have to have the same opinion. On the contrary, that would be fatal.

GL: Yes, but it was difficult for Werner, because there were conflicts.

CG: But the conflict was probably settled when the son Till or Timm finally moved out after nine months (note: actually 2 years and the conflict wasn’t settled).

GL: Yes, and then he moved here, to this village.

CG: So here too. So you are all in this place, so to speak. You, your son, your daughter.

GL: Yes. Everything is bundled here.

CG: And as I know, Timm from the text really likes to come to this area, that is to Mecklenburg.

GL: He loves it, because it grounds him, he says. Of course he doesn't say that, but he says, "I feel good here". Now I can't walk around the lake anymore, and he said, "I'll drive you". In the meadow, between the lakes, he stops and says: “When I'm here, that's my happiness. I don't need anything else. »

(...)

CG: But, as we have already spoken of, this is definitely something that occurs more often in families, especially when - let's say - two intellectuals or two creative spirits have something to do with each other and are a family. But there is certainly also the fact that men tend to take themselves too seriously. That was also the case for your husband, Werner Lindemann.

GL: Of course, that was definitely the case, of course. And that was something that naturally got on the nerves of 19-year-old Till.

CG: I think it is relatively easy to explain that in the 1950s and definitely also in the 1960s the channels of advancement for purely young people - today one would say from underprivileged classes - radically opened up. Most of the old elites were gone, and these places that society needed had to be filled again.

GL: Yes, exactly. And that was exactly what was great, great luck for Werner. And he has not forgotten that either, which is why he could never be so rigorous against this state. He saw and experienced the possibilities that were presented to him.

CG: Absolutely. This is also something to keep in mind when evaluating the GDR and its history. Biographies are tied to it. And, if you forget that, only simplifications and clichés come out.

GL: Exactly, and my son never realized that, so he couldn't understand it.

CG: Whereby young people or the generation we're talking about now, who were "born into" the GDR, as it was called in a volume of poetry by Uwe Kolbe, I think they couldn't see it that way. At least not back then, you will probably only recognize that after a while, that requires a certain amount of life experience. Can your son, Till, understand that now?

GL: No, he's standing on the same level as the defiant 19-year-old son, that hasn't changed, and the tragedy is that the two of them couldn't talk to each other anymore. Now I think they'd have a wonderful relationship. And Werner, he would admire his son very much because he just went further in what he did, because he is more courageous. He doesn't care how he's judged, and Werner never cared about it.

CG: Indeed, I think that is a very important point that you are making. That in the moment when man or woman, when young or old adjust to what they believe others will like, one's own ego withers, one becomes conformed, and one is lost for certain professional groups. I think that applies to writing in any case. You can't write when your main goal is to please others. And it's the same in music, you have to consistently see your way.

GL: And don't give a damn about everything that comes up.

CG: Exactly, that can of course lead to failure, but it can also be a reason or the starting point for ultimately being successful. « Her son pulled it off consistently. Adapted things - here and there - do not make any real art », to put it bluntly.

GL: Yes, although I wouldn't say that Werner wrote to please, so it didn't go that far, but of course he was affected if any of the texts were not liked and were not printed, that's normal. It was important for him to question critically and to hide signals between the lines.

CG: Right, I have to be more precise. I didn’t mean that your husband adjusted to please. I meant that in general.

GL: I see.

CG: The question is tied to that: Why did he have to write? He could also have been successful as a teacher or as a cultural house manager.

GL: He tried out a few things, director of the cultural center, for a time he worked on the student newspaper “Forum”, but none of that was for him. He had to be free, spatially and mentally, that sounds absurd in GDR times, but still ... For him, writing was life. Whether diary, poems, prose. He continued to write in hospital after his cancer operation until shortly before his death. His last poem was written four weeks before he died.

CG: You can tell from his “confession” that he came into contact with literature very late.

GL: yes, that's true. He himself kept telling that he actually didn't have a book in his hand until he was 19 and only then began to deal with literature.

CG: Exactly, he read the first book when he was 19, so he had a lot of catching up to do. If you think back, when and how did he work through what had to be done. Had he arrived at some point?

GL: Actually never, not until the end, because he was always aware of what he was missing, that he was missing so much. Then he read the French, the Philosophers, Francis of Assisi, Montaigne. He was always looking. But that is also an advantage if you always need something new to move on. And writing, that was really his life. Get imagination. To give food for thought, to learn to think, "to strengthen the wings of the imagination". For Till it was silly back then to “make a rubbish” - for a rhyme. For Werner it was hard work until, for example, he had the poem in a form that he could leave as it is. One of the obituaries reads: "His worldview was simple, clear and pleasantly naive and his words always had the sound of his own astonishment at what he saw, thought and felt".

CG: But meanwhile, you mentioned it yourself, does your son see it that way too? He knows how long it can take to get a satisfying result.

GL: Yes, of course, although, at least I think, he works differently. Quieter, more lonely, he writes, and then he shows the result. Werner often let many people participate in the process of creation.

CG: Because, I mean, Rammstein lives, not least, from the lyrics by Till Lindemann.

GL: Of course, and they are also very similar. I mean Till and Werner. In many of the texts I read by Till, I think Werner would have said that too. Not in all, but in some. There is this something naive and the attempt to build raised floors. And Werner tried very hard to do that, because of certain experiences and experiences cannot and should not be expressed so clearly.

CG: The simple is not the simple or the trivial, but the simple is precisely what is extremely difficult to do. The double bottom that you talk about, that you manage to pull in on a song, or a lyrical line that sounds very simple at first glance.

GL: And that's for the children, who read it one-to-one, and for adults, who read along with the message.

CG: One more sentence comes to mind in closing. It's about Timm again. The first-person narrator would like to convey his values ​​to his son and let him understand that he cannot live the day like that. You have to do something, you have to have a goal in mind, and as a carpenter you don't earn so well. That doesn't mean a lot of money in the long run. And Timm answers his father with a question: “Do you have to have a savings account under socialism? “This is a beautiful episode where opinions clash. And the son, he was paying close attention!

GL: He always pay attention.

[hopefullystillatheatrestudent]

The One Where Jensen Ackles Confirmed Cockles in 2016(????) No. Seriously. For real.

this is a DOOZY. strap in folks.

DISCLAIMER: this is chock full of rps. if you are against cockles/jenmish in any way, this post is not for you. however, if you’re like me, ummmmm...

alright. so. we are REALLY in it now, cockles truthers. and make no mistake, i DO NOT want to undersell the significance of what we have found on this glorious day in 2021.

BUT HEY! DISCLAIMER FIRST, THOUGH IT SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING! do not EVER bring this to jensen and misha’s attention. do not comment disrespectful things on social media. when cons/panels start again, don’t ask them questions about it. ever!!! that’s super weird, for one thing, and for two, they won’t give you the answer you want anyway! so, yeah. just be decent, y’all. let’s continue. 

so my dear mutual @green-blue-heller made this post today and i promptly lost my mind. in it, they link this video:

as far as i can tell, it’s from VegasCon 2016 but was only unprivated on january 24, 2020(dean winchester’s birthday??? wow ok) for some reason, and we have overlooked it until now. to whoever it was that posted it, THANK you for my reason for being and this delayed gratification five years later. anyway, let’s get into it.

right off the bat, those expressions in the thumbnail kind of tell you all you need to know about what we’re venturing into. i have to thank BOTH jensen AND j*red for being ridiculously transparent. i mean...j*red purposefully avoiding eye contact with jensen and looking at the ceiling with his eyebrows raised sky high? jensen hiding his face in his hands, smiling and blushing like a fool, the misha face™ & grin???

so let’s break down what happens with timestamps and everything.

so! i looked up what the question was, i scoured through the entire Vegas Con video, and here it is:

‘My question is for Jensen and Jared. You guys are both happily married, and I noticed that many people had a hard time explaining how they know their significant other is the one. The one they want to spend the rest of their life with, the one that they want to be with, and so, I wanted to ask you guys, how did you know that your current- who you’re with now(audience laughter cuts the rest of the question off and it’s unintelligible)’ ….i’m solidly guessing that the end of that question boils down to ‘was the one’. (....i...uhhhh....have some thoughts on how this question affected jensen, and i will be going into them later.)

Jared: *laughs* Jared, Jensen. When did you first meet your future ex-wives?

*both of them laugh*

Jared: I’m just kidding-I get what you’re trying to say and thank you, um...I, uh, I guess my current wife, uh-

*both laugh again*

Jensen: (sarcastically) Let’s start with her.

Jared: (repeats) Let’s start with her. I, uh, I...you said something kinda, uh, amazing in your question, which is that a lot of people have a tough time or a difficult time explaining to their significant others or to themselves what it is. And I guess I feel that I have no way to possibly explain it to myself or to her... I remember that I had been in a relationship and that I was single and I was like ‘I am not interested in getting in a relationship’ and then she and I went on a date and I was like, ‘I can’t go anywhere else. I’m not interested.’ So, that was kinda what, um, what started it for me *clears throat loudly* Uh. Yeah, I just feel like (searching for words) she makes me a better person-there are a lot of people that make you a better person, and so that’s not enough, I don’t think-or maybe it is, who knows-um...I don’t know, I can’t really...if I could explain, I’d be a poet.

here’s where things start to get interesting. before jared says ‘If I could explain, I’d be a poet,’ Jensen’s face looks like this:

stoic, thoughtful, composed. and then AFTER jared says that his face makes THIS little journey:

go watch it for yourself. this man is ridiculous. in terms of body language? he gazes up and AWAY from jared. it is a private thought, he is not sharing in jared’s joke with him, if at all. it is his own personal musings that make his face LIGHT up like that. this fool looks lovestruck!!! this fool is lovestruck!!!

now, i think it goes without saying, but there is an obvious cockles reason that springs to mind for this reaction. (hint: misha is a poet. that’s it, that’s the reason.) i don’t think jared intentionally said this with misha in mind, but jensen’s thoughts IMMEDIATELY went there. whether or not this is because he was already planning on answering and hinting at his relationship with misha before jared says this, which i think he was-you can certainly see the wheels turning in jensen’s head before this moment-his brain involuntarily makes the connection and it shows in his glowing smile. after that remark...jensen’s gone. he’s whipped. and he HAS to say something about it. 

continuing from where we left off:

Jared: ...and I would love to be a poet. (thought it would be fun to mention that at this point Jensen catches what his face did and immediately looks over to Jared and WIPES the expression of his face...but it’s too late, because someone recorded it, i saw it, and now i’m writing about it five years later)

Jared: But uhh…

Jensen: (interrupting) Just tap me when you want me to take over. 

i think that jensen is simultaneously joking and is also more than ready to say what he’s been composing in his head diligently for the last thirty or so seconds. he has made up his mind, and is now ready to drop the bomb on us.

*audience laughs, Jared playfully swats at him*

Jared: Uh… *thinks in silence for a bit* It’s really difficult, it’s really difficult. She makes me feel safe, she makes me feel loved. Uh...when...I’m in a position where I don’t love myself, I know she loves me, you know, um...she’s just an awesome, awesome lady.

*audience claps*

alright! so in terms of my OWN analysis for what’s happened up until this point, the conclusion i have come to is that there was something in the question that was asked that sets jensen’s mind off about misha, and i think it was the ‘the one’ comment. if we’re putting our cockles goggles on, jensen doesn’t HAVE a ‘the one’. he resents thinking like that. i’m also very intuitive, and i get a sense that jensen is an honest person and can’t really tell a convincing lie. i mean...we all saw that horrible airbnb debacle, right? and his slip up when he accidentally confirms that misha woke up and said ‘i miss (maison)’[which how would you know that unless you were...nvm] and became a stammering mess and had to sit down and cover his face. and that misha is always the one to take the lead when it comes to denying clothes sharing, for instance. jensen has never ONCE attempted to explain that away, because i don’t think anyone would believe him, and i think he’s incapable of doing so because he’s not a dishonest person and can’t lie easily. i’m the same way, so to avoid telling a lie i always speak partial truths, and i’m 99% sure jensen is well versed in this talent as well. oh, also, just to really land my point....we all know how he feels about the finale because he can’t make himself speak well on it. he’ll gush about 15x18 and the PEOPLE BEHIND the finale, but he has not uttered one. positive. word. about the actual finale itself. i mean, we all know what he thinks about it. in his own way, he has made his rage glaringly obvious. and i think he’s doing that exact thing here, where he resents the implication that daneel is the only ‘one’ for him, because that’s simply not true, and he can’t and won’t lie about something like that. 

i watched it back again and wrote notes on jensen’s body language as he’s processing the question. here they are:

from 0:13 to 1:21, jensen: 

looks down - tenses face - searching eyes, lost in thought - jared’s comment brings him out of it but it takes a second - fidgets, adjusts clothes, looks at jared - bites the inside of his cheeks and moves tongue around his mouth(pacifying gesture) - eyes start wandering away from jared, looks down and tenses face, looks back at jared - then looks away, eyes and mind far from the panel and pondering the question itself - somewhat wistful expression, gears clearly turning in his head, lips pursed, stops reacting to what jared is saying, fingers start fidgeting, eyes have moved downward as he is lost in thought - something shifts in his brain, he looks to the ceiling, fidgets and adjusts his clothing, squints and seems to resolve an inner thought - slightly comes back down to earth with newfound resolution - and then jared’s ‘i would be a poet’ comment happens while he’s coming down from that

i mean, this obviously doesn’t necessarily mean anything huge(yet), all it shows is that this question took a lot of thinking for him. when you compare it to how jared kind of just dove in? 

anyway; so then jared’s done, he slaps jensen’s thigh to indicate it’s his turn, jensen makes THAT face you see in the thumbnail, jared’s eyebrows raise, jensen looks down and scratches his forehead, and then makes the statement of a lifetime. 

here’s the link for this next part

Jensen: Ummm..I kind of feel like there’s two types of people ..uh..in regards to marriage and the, the one. Uh, it’s the ones that just, just know with an absolute and, and have a certainty of like, this is the one for me, unequivocally. And then there’s those who are, you know, I don’t know, I’m scared, but I’m willing to take that leap of faith with you. And, I kind of find myself in between both of those(...types of people). And uh, and so, it can be a scary endeavour, and it can, and it will certainly have it’s ups and downs, um, but I think it’s a, uh, it’s a bond, and it’s a connection, and it’s a friendship, and it’s a ride, and it’s a journey that, uh, if you’re willing to stick it out with one another, can be an amazing, beautiful thing and I’m glad that I picked the partner and the teammate that I have, so.

i’ll give you like a second to recuperate before we dig in. 

let’s start with both jared and jensen’s body language first, because it wasn’t even the words that clued me in, it was whatever the hell was going on with jared’s face. 

i really wish i could gif, but i can only attempt to convey the SPEED and VIGOUR with which jared snaps his head toward jensen. 

these pictures are objectively hilarious because you can see the entire mental journey that jared goes on. he was aloof and kind of relaxed because he was done, it’s jensen’s turn now, he’s surely not gonna out himself with this question right? and then jensen goes ahead and says ‘there are two-’ and jared instantly zones right into jensen with a look of horror on his face, that he tries to contain, but does so unsuccessfully. that is the face of a man who is internally freaking out, thought to himself ‘did he seriously just say...’ and is kind of staring at the culprit in shock and awe.

i know that’s what’s happening, because this is not the first time we’ve seen him react like this to something jensen has said. the classic head whip. a few examples, just off the top of my head:

1. ‘he has, hasn’t he?’ 

2. ‘he sounds like that in the morning’ ‘how do you know’ 

3. when he whips his head around when he notices jensen’s face(and instantly understands when he realizes it’s misha)

so yeah, i’m sure you get it by now. jared can’t really keep it off of his face. there’s no real analyzing to be done here...it’s just an obvious tell on his part. there’s no real reason for him to have reacted this way if jensen was saying something inconspicuous, is there? he would have continued to just kind of space out if jensen hadn’t just said something jarringly questionable. 

as for jensen’s body language, i can’t really tell where he’s looking from either angle of both videos i’ve seen. sometimes it seems like he’s looking straight at jared, and maybe nods at him once, but he could also(and is most likely) looking at the fan who asked the question. i don’t think there’s anything particularly telling about his body language because i think he rehearsed his answer in his head and also, he’s not shying away because he’s not lying about anything. like...everything he’s saying is true, so he’s not going to have any tells. and it’s the fact that he is TELLING THE TRUTH that is freaking jared out.

now for what he actually says. because oh my god. 

right off the bat, he says “i kind of feel like there’s two types of people..” and first off, what? what does that even mean? if you think of it in terms of ‘this is about daneel and only daneel’....isn’t this a realllyyyyy strange thing to start out with? objectively? the question that was asked to him was ‘how did you know they were the one?’ and he goes ‘actually there’s TWO types of people’ ...like, jensen never answers the question at hand. 

and then he goes “in regards to marriage and the one”. i hope i’m not the only one who noticed he said the words ‘the one’ in a resentful and kind of degrading tone? seriously, listen to it again. he seems like he’s almost mocking that sentiment. i swear i’m not making it up, it really sounds like that to me. 

and then he says “-it’s the ones that just, just know with an absolute and, and have a certainty of like, this is the one for me, unequivocally. And then there’s those who are, you know, I don’t know, I’m scared, but I’m willing to take that leap of faith with you.” *NON TINHAT VERSION OF EVENTS* what he could mean, i guess, is he was both scared to be with daneel but also knew she was the one for him. which....ok. alright. *TINHAT BACK ON* first off, there’s absolutely no risk with daneel. that’s not a judgement, because i love her; it’s just true. she’s a pretty, talented, amazing woman and they are very much in love. i’m not sure what risks he’s taking there. next up: pretty strange wording then, don’t you think? idk, if it were you, and you wanted to get that point across, wouldn’t you use words like ‘she both scared me and i knew i wanted to be with her at the same time’ and NOT this convoluted mess of ‘there’s two types of people and they are both drastically different but also one and the same’? 

SECOND OF ALL, as many people have pointed out.....he never uses pronouns. this is strange. jared does. jared says gen’s name, even. and uses ‘she’ and ‘her’. jensen never once does that, he practically refuses to do so. and yes, i fully believe it is entirely intentional.

because if you look at this phrase from a cockles lens it makes more sense then if you do not. 

the one that jensen knows, unequivocally, with the utmost certainty, is the one for him, no doubts, no risks; is daneel. the one that he doesn’t know about, is scared of being with, but is willing to take that leap of faith anyway; is misha. and all of a sudden the puzzle pieces fall into place.

because he goes on to say “I kind of find myself in between both of those.” 

he doesn’t say ‘i find myself in between both of those...with her.’ nope. he’s just...in between. caught in the middle. of those two types of people. translation: of those two people. mish. dee. 

“And it can be a scary endeavour, and it will certainly have it’s ups and downs, but I think it’s a bond, and it’s a connection, and it’s a friendship, and it’s a ride, and it’s a journey...” 

every single one of those words can be applied to more than one person. think about it. bond(between three people). connection(between three people). friendship(between three people!!!). there’s no ‘partnership’ in here, which does only apply to two people. 

lastly, “i’m glad i picked the partner and the teammate that i have.”

ok, look. you can easily say that it’s just one person he’s talking about here! of course you can. but this is jensen ackles we’re talking about. jensen ‘rock and pebble’ ackles. jensen ‘mish. dee.’ ackles. so yes. i definitely think that ‘the partner and the teammate’ fall into this category. and i think daneel is the partner and misha is the teammate. 

to put it matter-of-factly: you simply cannot prove that this isn’t about a poly relationship. there is absolutely nothing he says that makes it obvious he is talking about one person here. because he isn’t. 

i just feel like, in the simplest terms, if this were about only daneel, that he would not be using these weird phrases that are half-hidden truths. just to compare, i watched another panel where pretty much the exact same question was asked, minus the whole ‘the one’ debacle, and, just as i suspected, it was an entirely different answer. he talks about the moment where he knew he liked her. her, specifically. says the name daneel. gushes about her. there’s no tiptoeing and weird pronoun usage and vague terminology. 

tl; dr : i think he answered the question this way because there is no ‘the one’ in his life. and he is physically incapable of leaving misha out when talking about ‘the one’ because he has TWO ‘the ones’. and he wants to answer the question to the best of his best ability, but lying is unnatural to him. he will talk about daneel at length and misha at length, but i honestly to my core don’t think you could make him choose between the two. oh! and we literally had confirmation all the way back in fucking 2016, we just never paid attention until now. so......thanks, jensen?

sorry, this got super long, but i hope i warned you well enough.