#(not to mention the whole mental health issue or even the debilitating physical injury thing)

[screamtrain]

got an email about there being a high school reunion this year and I uhhhhhhhh I really don’t want to go

[chronicallygothic]

PTSD

I didn’t write the following article but I thought it really hit home and needed to be shared. Not all of it is relevant to my story but it comes very close. The abuse happened to me 13 years ago and I only just told my mom a few months ago (even though my “boyfriend” was living with me at my mother’s house.)

I’ve had to cut ties with several friendships over the gaslighting issue. I don’t even like saying his name. Not his nickname that he used when we dated or his real name. I’m frequently on high alert but my fight or flight response is finally starting to calm down after a decade of therapy and helpful partners.

Seeing him around makes me instantly sick. The fact that people don’t know what I went through makes me sick but the thought that they might not believe me “cuz he’s a good guy” is unbearable. 

He told me how to dress, who to hang out with, who not to hang out with. I was only 14.

Many times while he was driving us one place or another I would fantasize about yanking the steering wheel into oncoming traffic and hoping that neither of us survived. 

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For many years I was in an extremely destructive relationship with someone who has NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and during that time I was regularly subjected to a variety of emotional, mental and physical abuse.

Every day I walked on eggshells, living in fear of saying or doing something that might trigger an aggressive response.

Many people might wonder why I, or anyone else, would remain in this kind of environment, but by the time I fully recognized that I was in extreme danger, I was already badly emotionally and mentally weakened and debilitated.

I was living in terror waiting to be attacked at any moment and yet I did not feel as though I had the strength or courage to remove myself from it.

Abuse doesn’t always happen overtly and it isn’t always easy to recognize. Often it is a covert, insidious, invisible drip that slowly poisons the victim’s mind so they don’t trust their own judgment, is unable to make life-changing decisions and feels as though they don't have the coping skills necessary to get help or leave.

It took me a long time, and everything I had, to pull myself from the bottom of the deep dark hell I existed in and to get myself to a place of safety.

By the time I walked away, I thought that the nightmare was over. But in so many other ways, it had only just began.

The terrors of the taunts, torture and torment that had become my normality didn’t subside. They remained alive and relived themselves in the form of intrusive, regular flashbacks.

Many months after I had left the relationship I discovered that I was suffering from C-PTSD, (Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder.)Â C-PTSDÂ is a result of persistent psychological trauma in an environment where the victim believes they are powerless and that there is no escape.

C-PTSD is slightly different than PTSD, which is brought on from experiencing one solitary, traumatic incident, or it can develop due to an accumulation of incidents. Although both C-PTSD and PTSD both developed from my experiences, I identify more with C-PTSD, as it was the effects of the prolonged exposure to repetitive and chronic trauma that I felt I couldn’t escape from that affected me the most.

For many months after leaving the relationship I struggled to sleep at night, and when I did I often woke trembling after experiencing terrifying reoccurring dreams. On many occasions when I did eventually sleep I would sleep solid for at least 24 hours, in such deep slumber that I would struggle to wake from it and when I did I would feel fatigued, spaced out and as though I was numbly sleep-walking through the day.

I was easily startled and panicked at the slightest sudden movement or loud noise.

I was ultra-sensitive, on edge and highly alert most of the time, which I believe was my mind’s way of forming some sort of self-protection to keep me aware so that I avoided similar potentially dangerous situations.

At the mention of certain words, names or places I felt nauseous and dizzy and would become extremely distressed. A painful tight knot developed in my stomach every time something occurred to remind me of the trauma.

I still have difficulty remembering large phases of my life, and for a long time I struggled to stay focused, and my concentration abilities were very poor.

I would get upset easily, especially if I was in a tense environment. I had constant anxiety and was regularly in fight-or-flight mode.

I didn’t eat properly. I had no motivation and suicidal thoughts regularly flooded my mind.

I had lost my spark.

One aspect of the aftermath of the relationship that affected me most was the daily gaslighting that I endured. This left me finding it difficult to believe anything people would tell me, and I analyzed, questioned and dissected everything.

Forming new relationships, whether friendships, or romantic, was almost impossible as I struggled to trust people’s intentions and felt scared of possible underlying, hidden motives and agendas for their words or actions.

I dissociated from most of what I had been through and pretended, even to myself, that the abuse wasn’t as serious as it was. Partly because I felt ashamed that I had not left sooner and also because I wanted to defend and protect the person I was involved with, as I still cared for him. Therefore, I rarely mentioned the relationship to anyone and froze and shut down through stress (sometimes resulting in a meltdown) if anyone tried to talk to me about i It got to the stage where I withdrew completely as leaving the house became overwhelming and a major ordeal because I wouldn’t/couldn’t open up and connect and I felt terrified of everything and everyone.

One thing that became apparent and harrowing was that although I had gained enough strength to walk away and I felt empowered by the decision knowing that it was the right choice for my emotional, mental and physical health, I was suppressing all my emotions and feelings and I was far from okay on the inside.

There were many rollercoaster emotions trapped inside me and trying to ignore and contain them was doing more harm than good. In many ways the ending of the relationship had signaled closure to one phase of my life and had opened up a new chapter that was going to take a little time to get used to.

It appeared that while I was in the relationship I had become so used to enduring a wide variety of narcissistic behaviors that they had almost become normal and acceptable. Stepping away from all that I had known felt like I had walked from one planet and onto another and I hadn’t got a clue how to navigate it on my own or how to relate to anyone on it.

I soon realized that unless I started to focus on healing myself, I would remain a victim of my previous circumstances as the build up of emotional injuries, wounds and scars needed urgent attention. Otherwise, they would seep out and silently destroy sections of my life without me being aware that the past was still controlling me.

It was up to me to rebuild my strength and confidence, otherwise I would end up alienating myself and causing further damage.

I had a lot of inner healing work and restructuring to do and trying to convince myself that just because I had left the relationship everything would be okay, was not going to be enough.

The first and most significant step I took was admitting and fully accepting that the carnage I had experienced was real and had a huge impact on my emotional and mental wellbeing.

I had been surviving by a fragile thread in a domestic war zone and for far too long I had been intimidated, manipulated, lied to and threatened, amongst many other toxic and dysfunctional behaviors. The whole relationship had been an illusion and resulted in me having serious trust issues as well as losing the will to live. I not only struggled to trust other people, but I also realized I had no faith at all in my own intuition, perception or judgment.

Finally, I gave myself permission to take as long as I needed to heal, even if it meant I would spend the rest of my life slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I came to terms with the fact that there is no timescale to healing and there was no hurry.

I allowed myself to grieve the relationship and the loss of the person I had separated from. This was extremely difficult to do as I had so many mixed emotions due to the scale of the abuse. For a long time I denied my grief, as it was complex to come to terms with how I could miss someone who had been responsible for vicious behavior towards me.

One of the hardest parts to dealing with this grief was feeling as though I could not talk openly to anyone, as I believed no one would understand how I could remain in such an abusive relationship and still miss many aspects of that person and the life I had with them.

The reason getting over this type of relationship can be so difficult is that many narcissists display both Jeckyll and Hyde type characteristics, one minute appearing extremely loving and affectionate and the next crippling, cruel and cunning.

It is not easy to explain that I deeply loved and badly missed one side of the person I was involved with, and disliked, feared and never wanted to hear his name mentioned at the same time. Even thinking about this can make one feel a little crazy as it does not feel natural to love and hate the same person.

One essential step toward healing from narcissistic abuse, I believe, is finding someone to really confide in and who doesn’t judge or question anything that is said. Being free to talk openly and comfortably without having to over explain is vital to start putting the accumulation of experiences into some sort of context. If there isn’t a friend on hand, it is worth taking time to seek out a good counselor with an understanding of C-PTSD deriving from abusive relationships.

The most important thing that helped me to heal was focusing more on healing and rebuilding myself. Although I took time out to research and gain knowledge and understanding of the type of abuse I had been subjected to, I spent far more of my time indulging myself in whatever felt good for my soul.

Slowly and surely I rebuilt myself, formed new friendships, learned to trust people and forgave all of the past. There are still days that it haunts me, but there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel and although it can be difficult to believe that when you start walking through it, as soon as you take the first steps of acceptance the path ahead begins to become clear.

Healing comes by taking one small step at a time, with gentle, loving care and without hurry.

Article by Alex Myles

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/10/living-with-c-ptsd-following-an-abusive-relationship/

[heymissyheymissy-blog]

Book Assessment: The Brain That Changes Itself

Book review – The Brain That Modifications Itself compiled by Dr. Norman Doidge. POST BY BARBARA CASEY (IAN'S MOM) Whenever my son initially acquired his mind damage, I was told that whatever state he had been in within 6-month level was in regards to the best we could expect throughout his life. You'd better think we started immediately with (do-it-yourself) tools to stimulate reasoning, talking and engine control. Not forgetting nagging his health practitioners for real therapy, which he got 10 whole moments daily inside ICU, his house for almost 6 months. Someplace over the line, the 6 month limit ended up being extended to one year. I do not remember by whom – maybe a physical therapist just who didn't assist clients long-term. THE REALITY.. however, had been that my son held making development step-by-step, thirty days after thirty days, buck by buck. We never threw in the towel on their capability for continued improvement and – 4 many years later – I realized a revolutionary guide that proved the things I suspected all along. Mental performance can keep switching it self! Norman Doidge, M.D. is a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst whom began researching neuroplasticity after meeting experts whoever researches during the "frontiers of mind science" excited him about the implications of these benefit clients in the very own consulting training. He came across with several of those brain researchers, explaining their particular cutting-edge work and amazing causes a novel known as the mind that modifications Itself, posted in 2007. After reading Doidge's book, we now had "official" hope that my child will keep enhancing their brain function as time passes, diligence… and money. I'm, quite frankly, amazed that not merely one physician, therapist, psychologist or mind injury support web site that people encountered in the last four years has actually mentioned this truly crucial guide – or even the analysis being done because of the experts whoever tasks are featured with its pages. My introduction towards concept of neuroplasticity (or brain plasticity) arrived through an online energy healing resource, that sadly the url no more exists. Dr. Doidge's guide had been listed indeed there. It took four years to eventually discover this "official hope" according to medical evidence that mind power can improve and increase with the right tools and methods. The guide just isn't daunting to learn for a non-scientific person anything like me. Though, like me, you might find your jaw losing once you read some of the situation scientific studies. As an example, a swing patient returning to their health rehearse and tennis-playing after constraint-induced motion treatment during the Taub Clinic. Or Michael Merzenich's work with brain maps that demonstrates mental performance's power to make up for missing functionality. Then there's the story of Michelle, produced with only half the woman mind. Features usually handled through the element of her brain this is certainly missing migrated to another hemisphere, allowing the woman to manage day-to-day with a partial brain. Maybe not perfectly, but adequately. The storyline of Barbara Arrowsmith is very remarkable. Labeled "retarded" as a child, in an era when little had been comprehended about discovering disabilities, Arrowsmith struggled her means through senior school and college until she discovered a study study by Mark Rosenzweig how activity can create changes in the dwelling for the brain. She designed her very own "mental exercises" to focus the mind features she ended up being weakest in and found that, not only did those features improve – other people which were relevant performed, too. A two-fer, put another way. Barbara Arrowsmith took what she discovered from research and her very own experiences in creating "proof-in-the-pudding" workouts to receive the Arrowsmith class in Toronto, specifically for kiddies and grownups with discovering handicaps. I discovered in this chapter, as an example, that practicing cursive writing gets better the flow of ideas into message – something my son wants to improve. So I'm busily to locate internet sites with cursive writing worksheets which he may use for this specific purpose. Doidge's guide is an eye-opener and I intend to undergo it again to winnow away even more some ideas for homemade exercises. More about this in another post. When you haven't read The mind That modifications Itself, you can easily click this link to "look in the book" at Amazon.com. Most of the first chapter can be acquired for preview, including some really interesting product about Paul Bach-y-Rita. The component that you do not reach read issues the strategy Bach-y-Rita's bro regularly help their particular parent recover from a debilitating swing. The outcome of that intense work triggered a vocation change for Paul Bach-y-Rita, which after that centered on rehabilitation medicine (especially with "late rehab" stoke clients), utilizing the strategies he know knew had credibility. A global icon in the area of neuroplasticity, Paul Bach-y-Rita died in 2006. His tale will probably be worth once you understand. More information for book publishing at Kerry Jacobson site