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Wooden Apple Sculptures by Yosuke Amemiya Melt Into Succulent Puddles

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Evil Kitchen Log #00003

Results - Partial Success

Before tackling the average drying time, I decided to see if there was a better way to get the cinnamon on the apples than just sprinkling them on. The sprinkling hurt my wrist if I did it for too long, so there had to have been a better option. I stayed with the same Cosmic Crisp apples and Medium size slice (1/8in or .32cm), as well as deciding to stick to a drying time of around 7.5 hours.

I had generally no idea where to begin with this experiment. Obviously I would try the sprinkled over cinnamon and no cinnamon, but other than that I was mostly stumped.

I ended up settling on sprinkling and rubbing it in, finding a sieve and sprinkling it on that way, and basting the apples. I had no idea if these were going to work, but I thought it was worth a try.

I made sure to set Craig to the correct temperature this time, and let my apples go. For the 7.5 hours it took for Craig to dry them, I sat nearby and thought about basting some of the apples and the decisions in my life that led me to the point where I would be doing that.

Sprinkled Cinnamon Over - Same as it always was. Decent amount of coverage and not overwhelming texture. Seems to be better the higher up I held my wrist, but had the side effect of blowing away a little bit with the air from the AC unit. 5/10

No Cinnamon - Surprisingly good. Hard to go wrong with dried apples, but I've done it. Did only taste of apples and didn't have the familiar brown dusting to it. Very easy to keep consistent because I didn't have to do anything to them. Good to know how it ended up but will not be moving forward with them. 4/10

Sprinkled Cinnamon Over and Rubbed in - This was a textural nightmare. The apples started getting brown before I had finished all the rubbing. Also, rubbing apples? Bad! Decent amount of coverage and not overwhelming texture (when eating), but only because they are basically the Sprinkled Cinnamon Over option! 3/10

Sieve'd - The holes on the sieve were too big, which basically made it look like I had accidentally spilled the entire container of cinnamon on an apple slice and wiped off what I could. Unfortunately, that is almost exactly what happened. The texture was bad. The texture was very bad. I couldn't taste the apple at all. Has the potential to be better, if I find a sieve with smaller holes. 1/10

Basted - Why did I do this. This wasn't a worse experience than the lemon demon from Log #00001, but oh god, the feeling of basting an apple, one 1/8 inch (.32cm) slice at a time really makes you question some things. What was I doing here? What led me to this point? Why am I basting an apple? The simple reason lies in the fact that when I searched "how to put stuff on things" in my favorite searchbar, all I got was Minecraft tutorials and lyrics from a They Might Be Giants song from 2013, so I had to lean on my imagination. Distribution was incredibly varied and the apples didn't dry all the way through. Probably because I basted them. Potentially could be better if I let them dry for longer. 1/10

If it ain't broke, don't fix it, I guess. I'll be sticking with the Sprinkled Over option for the foreseeable future.

Supplemental: What is Stuff Is Way even about? It's just a bunch of nonsense. Is it supposed to be? Whatever the case, the song is in my head now. Also, I'm never basting a fuckin apple again. Eugh.

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horse in its stall reaching its head around the door to attempt to grasp a nearby apple in its mouth one can see from the crazed look in its eyes that this horse has a hankering for some apples and who is to blame it in its pursuit of a delicious treat

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Evil Kitchen Log #00002

Result - Partial Success

For my second apple experiment, Craig and I decided to test our hand at different sizes for the apples. Around the home I found 3 different mandolin blade, the sizes on them were not specified, and I had to measure them myself. I will be referring to them as Small, Medium, and Large. The mandolin that is mentioned in Log #00001 had the small blade on it, but because of my colossal failure with those apples and the lemon mistake, I decided I might as well try again.

The Small blade cuts at a width of 1/16 inch (.16cm). The Medium blade cuts at a width of 1/8 inch (.32cm). The Large blade cuts at a width of 1/4 inch (.64cm). I also used a ruler to cut a few 1/2 inch (1.27cm) slices, just for fun. The last one will be referred to as Extra Large.

As I am a good an evil scientist, I continued with my control group of apples - the Cosmic Crisp. I sprinkled cinnamon over the side facing up and started up Craig. I decided finding out the perfect drying time was an experiment for later, and to not worry about it for now. I was just going to focus on the sizes. I used the same settings from before - 95°F(35.00°C) for 9 hours - and promptly fell asleep.

The time passed, as it does, and I checked on the apples in Craig. They were not even close to being dry. Instead of freaking out - as I very much DID NOT panic - I read a little closer on the lid, where it states that 135°F(57.22°C) is the best temperature for fruits, and decided to switch it to that. I very dutifully turned the knob too far to 145°F(62.78°C) and did not realize until I had finished that it was incorrect.

2 hours and 35 minutes later, the Small apples were almost done with nearly the texture I expected from Log #00001. The rest of the apples were not, and in the Extra Large I could not taste the cinnamon as it was overpowered by the apples.

1 hour and 10 minutes later the apples were as dry as they could be before I had to leave for the day. I was not interested in leaving Craig on for another 8 hours and raising the electricity bill, so I took the apples out. All of the results will be made in comparison to the original apples that my Great-Grandmother made.

Small - As the same with Log #00001, the texture was too thin. Crumbled in my hands as I tried to eat it and the texture was bad. No lemon nonsense, though! 3/10

Medium - Perfect size. Correct texture when eating it. Still unsure about the cinnamon and the length of time drying, but it will be the size I will use in further experiments! 5/10

Large - Way too thick and nowhere near the correct texture. It is an uncomfortable amount of floppy. Hard to chew and worse to swallow. 2/10

Extra Large - Worse version of a large. Could not taste any cinnamon. 1/10

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Evil Kitchen Log #00001

Result - Failure, twice

So begins my first trial to replicate the apple chisps so beloved from my childhood. I found a brand new dehydrator from the early 2000's that someone was selling at a garage sale and decided my time would be now. It is a Nesco FD-60 Snackmaster. I think I should name it; it's tedious to type out Nesco FD-60 Snackmaster every single time I need to refer to it. How do we feel about Craig?

I began my experiment by purchasing three bags of apples - Cosmic Crisp, Granny Smith, and Pink Lady. I then put them away and forgot about them for two weeks, resulting in a lot of squishy apples and a weird smell in my pantry. 0/10 - I do not think anything could be worse than this. Despite scoring this, I will not count this as an official trial, as I did not get to eat any of the fruits of my labor.

I set out to begin again, with more caution this time. My excitement was my downfall. I purchased one bag of Cosmic Crisp apples. It came sealed with a Palpatophora utiliformis grandis albus amiculum, and the cape proudly stated these apples were, "Extra Fancy." I made sure to have everything organized and ready to be used - Craig was clean and sitting pretty on the counter, I rinsed the apples off and cored them, then used my mandolin and sliced them into thin strips. I thought I was doing pretty well for myself, and then I checked the clock to make sure I'd have time to dry them before heading to bed. It was 3:00AM. Instead of panicking, I put my thin apple slices into a container with some water and lemon juice - remembering that lemon juice helps apples not turn brown - and planned to get to them in the morning. Dear reader, I did not get to them in the morning. I forgot them for four days. It would've been a waste to throw them away, so I placed them in Craig and sprinkled them with a bit of cinnamon. I set the setting for 95°F and let them dry for roughly 8 hours. 1/10 - Oh my gods. They were so sour. I couldn't taste any of the apple or the cinnamon because the lemon flavor was too strong. All the cinnamon I got was in the texture, and it was rather unpleasant. The chisps were also too thin and turned to dust if you held them too tightly. The only reason it's not lower is because I would rather eat them than throw them away. But it's close.

I will need to not use the mandolin for the next trial, and that hurts just a little bit. I was excited to be able to quickly slice them and have them in uniform sizes. I'll need to work on my knife skills, and I think I need to sharpen my knives. My time management will need to be better too - forgetting that I have these apples caused both of these to fail harder than they would've if I had remembered them. I am worried that cinnamon is the wrong spice, though logically it has to be the right one. What else would it be? It is nice to have a roadmap for this experiment, despite my frustrations. I still have some Cosmic Crisps leftover, even though I don't think they're the apples I'm going to stick with for the final test, I do want to try testing the different thicknesses with them.

Supplemental: I think I should look into getting an ADHD diagnosis.

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speaking from a place of privilege (good url)