#(not based on real events)

[darkacademiaarchivist]

John Doe voice: Remember falling up the stairs? You do that all the time. What is wrong with you??

[judasonhisknees]

a good butch who listens so well to his femmes instructions. who's never had the pleasure of feeling his hand wrapped around a fucked out femmes neck but is so eager to learn. who leaves as many marks and love bites on his femmes tits and bites her as hard as she wants because hes such a good boy and all he wants to do is make his femme feel like his own personal god

[sundazetales]

Domestic idioticness from Logan and Wade. A short fic.

“How was your day, Peanut?” Wade called out as soon as Logan pushed open the door to their apartment.Logan grunted a non committal sound as stepped inside. 

“Ask me how mine was!” Wade demanded.

“Fine.How was your day?”

“I watched Bake Off, killed some bad men, and made a TikTok. Also I think I ate dish soap with my ramen and I may die tonight. Who knows. Well actually, my ramen tasted suspicious like dish soap but then I thought, well, I don't really know what soap taste, maybe it's just the soybean in ramen, so I kept eating it and I thought, well, it does taste soapy but there was no way to know unless I try it again, so I did, of course, and then I just ate the full bowl. And now I'm worried I had ramen with dish soap. But I couldn't tell because I hadn't eaten dish soap before. But then again, maybe I should have stopped when I first suspected it might be tainted. You know what I mean, Peanut?”

Logan placed his coat on the hook and kicked off his shoes. 

“Why did you keep eating it if you thought it had soap in it?”

“Well, I had to keep trying it because I didn't know what soap tasted like it.” 

“It tastes like soap, Wade.” Logan said. 

“Why would I know what soap tastes like?”

“How do you not know what soap tastes like?” 

“I wasn't sure! I wasn't sure, and when do you eat soap? That's why I kept eating, I know what ramen tastes like, I don't know what soap tastes like and that's why it was valid that I kept eating it!”

Logan stood in the hallway for a moment, then turned and pulled his coat back on,

“I'm not dealing with this, Bub.” Logan said.

[whydousernamesevenexist]

"I'm doing CBT therapy," I say.

"Uhm, 'therapy' is already in the abbreviation. You're saying 'cognitive behavioural therapy therapy'," you laugh.

"No," I smirk mischievously, "I'm doing cock and ball torture therapy."

[maidling]

me: *head in hands, tearing up, voice cracking while i talk to myself out loud in a dark room* i cant keep having the most stressful few months of my life every few months

my reddit headmate: um 🤓☝️recency bias!

[hikarry]

Post-South Down, Aziraphale and Crowley are invited to a party

Like, a fancy party. With fancy clothes required and fancy food and overall fancy people. That is, excluding Anathema cause she refuses to consent to the norms

It's in America, hosted by Anathema's filthy rich family, and the boys only accepted to go because Anathema really bribed Aziraphale with pictures of the food

At first, the four of them (yes, cause Newt is also there, obviously) stick together, but as soon as the buffet opens, Aziraphale disappears and Crowley with him, following him around with a wine glass in hand and holding a plate with little cakes in the other, all selected by Aziraphale FOR Aziraphale.

They meet again when the speeches begin. The whole place his dark apart from the spotlight on the stage. It begins with Anathema's grandma, then her aunt. When Anathema's mom begins hers, 90% of the people present are utterly bored out of their minds. A certain demon inclusive.

It starts with bumping his leg against Aziraphale's. The angel doesn't react, still looking straight at the stage. Crowley groans and lays his elbow on the table, resting his chin on his hand and leaning closer to the angel, sliding his leg slowly up Aziraphale's. All he gets is a quick side glance.

Okay. Alright. He can play this game.

Crowley lands his hand on Aziraphale's knee and slowly but surely starts going up his thigh. Aziraphale gets his hand under the table and bats Crowley's away, ever without taking his eyes from Anathema's mom. Crowley pulls his chair closer to the angel's and lays his leg on top of Aziraphale's, his fingertips meeting Aziraphale hand's back, sliding up his arm. He feels Aziraphale shiver on his seat and he smiles, running the back of his cold fingers from Aziraphale's ear down to his neck, right to that sensitive spot Crowley found mere days after they took the next step in his relationship and, honestly, was still his favorite.

The angel clears his throat and throws the napkin he was holding on the table.

"Excuse me for a second, dear girl. I have to go to the restroom." He leans closer to Anathema as he says it, and she only replies with a quick nod.

Aziraphale taps Crowley's leg, so he would pull it away, and gets up, not before holding Crowley's jacket sleeve and subtlety pulling on it.

Crowley counted 18 seconds, before he gets up and follows the angel through the no longer dark corridors. The angel doesn't look back until he finds a random door and reaches for the doorknob, testing it. The door opens and he peers inside, finding what seems to be a dark office, with a large table and a few chairs.

"That doesn't look like a bathroom, angel." Crowley comments playfully, stopping right behind Aziraphale and looking over his shoulder into the dark room.

"Shut up, will you?" He comands, before suddenly turning around and grabbing Crowley by the black tie, pulling him inside and kicking the door close behind them.

[arashi-no-saxlphone]

Insomniac boyfriend who is trying to sleep because he didn't get much last night versus needy dog boyfriend who is just fucking zooming around his house because he doesn't wanna wake him up with a text because he needs to sleep and come on dude you can chill for like 5 minutes on your own- oh damn he's doing that whiny "awooowoowoooo" thing now yeah he's cooked chatroom but at least he's trying his best to let his boyfriend sleep

[ssongsboo]

if my panties flying off had a sound itd be that little clink when guys w rings grab like a glass bottle or metal pole or something omg im so unwell

[anexistingexistence]

David: Hey Darlin' how has your day been?

Darlin': Well, I woke up at 8, had depression for four hours, and then I brushed my teeth for the first time in like two weeks. I also used moisturizer for my face and that was really nice- Oh, and I almost threw up like two hours ago because I didn't eat all day but then I ate a pudding so now I'm better and-

David: You didn't brush your teeth in how long?

[alaskan-wallflower]

darry soda and pony tired to make a band when they were younger

[justiceforskywarp]

Ultrakill rots your brain in a special way and I don’t mean it makes you ship focused or violent video game brain or makes you simp for our beloved gay twink angel. Rather you will be vibing with two of your friends one who plays ultrakill and one who doesn’t and they’ll look you dead in the eye and say “USELESS” to which you will immediately respond “THY END IS NOW” to which they will return “JUDGEMENT” to which you respond “C R U S H” all while your friend who is normal looks between the two of you like you’re fucking delusional

[local-susie-deltarune-fan]

who even cares im just playing with this piece of string until the easily lost cat appears

[rottin6]

guys would you class it as cheating if your s/o was consistently texting an ai bot as though it was a real person and sometimes even sexting them

[caprice-nisei-enjoyer]

We need to RETVRN to the country we were 5 minutes ago, before I shat my pants

[frogmanfae]

Ester and Mayer: our son is so responsible and put together and happy, we did good

David: *pouring lemon juice into a shot glass and taking shots at 3 am to feel something because he's stressed beyond belief and also too scared to drink his parents' alcohol*

[poetrymirth]

Sochti thi suhane sapne dekhungi

par kya pata tha ki tumahari yaadon se jagungi