#(much less fun than tamatown)

[cesium-sheep]

well they're not stupid, I'll give them that.

just finished another appt with the pcp, I'm clearly even more run down than I was and having more trouble controlling my emotions and keeping my train of thought. (I was also having trouble hearing but that was probably a technical issue.) they asked again if I wanted a referral for therapy or anything and I said I don't have the energy to train another therapist and they were like "well you don't have to see one of the interns :(" so I had to explain that a bit. and I did tell them directly that they always approach these suggestions very well, it's never "maybe you just need therapy" and always "I know this is a really hard situation and I want you to have all the resources you need". I want to encourage that behavior, even if it's still useless for me due to really weird specific circumstances.

they also asked what we should do if this immunologist is also a bust, like should we look at treating the pots instead? so I had to be like, no, that won't actually help, we've been treating the pots this whole time and it's very secondary. (also I'm pretty sure I've already trialed basically everything there is for pots.) and I know I'm not being very patient with them anymore because I physically can't be patient with anyone anymore but they thanked me for hearing out their anxieties anyway. and they were right to be pragmatic about it, to have a next step lined up if this one also goes nowhere. it's just that unfortunately the next step is "keep slamming myself against the doors until someone takes pity". they also said the only meds left on the list of mcas treatments that I'm not already on are the ones they're too scared to prescribe, which at least they admit it.

they're approaching this very practically even though they're in over their head. and I do appreciate that. but also shit fuckin sucks dude. at the very end they were like "hey we're just gonna have to be optimistic!" and it's like. yeah, sure. you be optimistic for the both of us, alright? cuz I can't anymore. I genuinely can't anymore. I've been bested. I didn't say any of that though.

god I can't fucking imagine trying to deal with a fucking therapist right now, having to hold their babyshit little hand through concepts like "sometimes hopelessness is a pragmatic, reasoned, and situational decision rather than a cognitive distortion" and "grounding myself in my rotting fucking body is only going to make things worse" and "actually no there is legitimately nothing I can do about this". with their big stupid doe eyes like "this wasn't in my little workbook???" or "wow sounds crazy lmao couldn't be me".

and now I just lay on the floor until may, barring disaster. (my next pcp appt won't be until after the immunology appt because there's no point.) or well I guess I do have an mri in a couple weeks. yeehaw. I guess there might be an appointment about that if the results are drastic enough. honestly it feels like a fucking waste of time but I should do it anyway, because severe immune dysfunction can cause brain damage and it's better to keep an eye on it.