#(me every week but especially this week. especially for caden)

[philhoffman]

Tonight’s Monday Philm is one of my favorites of all time, really the first reason I love film as much as I do: Synecdoche, New York (2008), dir. Charlie Kaufman

There is so much about Synecdoche—artistically, cinematically, personally, existentially—that I can’t possibly write about it all. For one thing, it’s confusing as hell. Roger Ebert wrote that you shouldn’t watch Synecdoche unless you’ve already seen it at least once, which is so accurate. As far as the story and details themselves, I cannot recommend the incredible (albeit unfinished) The Genius of Synecdoche, New York series on YouTube enough!

I usually don’t put these under Read Mores but this one is even longer than usual, and personal, so...

Despite being one of my favorite pieces of art, I’ve never actually written a real review or analysis of it. Even when I try (like on Letterboxd) it typically ends up being more about whatever is going on in my life at the time. Which I guess is pretty fitting. Every time I watch it—and viewings themselves feel more like experiences, visits to a different world, sort of a dream, sort of a nightmare—I take away something completely different. New details, new themes.

This was one of the first PSH films I ever watched almost two years ago, which I think I’ve said before is the film equivalent of being thrown in the deep end of the pool to learn to swim. It shook me like nothing I’d ever seen and stuck in my head for days, weeks, in a way I didn’t know movies could. Everything about that time is seared into my memory—the earthy smell of late spring, how green everything was, listening to the score on my runs in the afternoon heat, thinking seriously about art for the first time and death for the millionth time, getting to know Phil. The soundtrack transports me back so powerfully. It clobbered me, gnawed at me.

Phil’s performance here is, obviously, incredible. Even negative reviews (I’ve read a lot) give him credit, even if they find the script or the concept pretentious or too hopeless or boring. Sammy is right about Caden—he’s a self-centered man and all that navel-gazing has led him to collapse in on himself. That doesn’t make him a bad person, exactly, because we all look mostly at ourselves. There are a lot of mirrors in the world.

Sometimes Synecdoche sends me into an existential spiral, sometimes it calms me down. When I was sick and scared because we didn’t know why, it was oddly comforting—I thought about how, regardless of how this particular thing works out, I was going to die like Caden was going to die like Philip was going to die like Charlie Kaufman was going to die like we are all going to die. Sometimes it’s really funny.

Today it dragged me through the fucking mud. I’ve been in a great mood lately and the humor was really standing out, I’ve never laughed at it so much, and then suddenly it was devastating in a way it’s rarely been before. The highest highs, the lowest lows—feeling it all very richly. Midway through the film someone sent me, not kidding, a photo of the church where Phil’s funeral service was held almost nine years ago (the cast of Succession was filming there today, if any Conheads are reading). It knocked the wind out of me. This viewing already felt like a story about a father and his daughter, a father who loves his child but leaves or is left (does it matter how it happened?), and can never fix the damage. “I want to see my daughter... She’s a fucking four-year-old!” “She is almost over 11 now.” It rips my guts out, Caden tells Hazel. With the anniversary approaching, everything is heavier, the grief has been coming in strong waves already. All the reminders in film and in life that he is nowhere to be found. It’s really hard. It’s really dark, too, but films are often the only way I can be within those thoughts and feelings and process them. Seeing Phil at 40 years old, acting 40 years older, the only way we will ever see him at that age. The scene when Caden is shuffling through the abandoned city to their death, you just want to hold him, his aching body that no longer exists. Thinking about it drives me out of my head more than even Synecdoche, which is why I don’t.

I finally understood the full meaning of Jess’s “stomach hurts: bad” scale today, particularly the scene when Caden and Hazel meet up on the street, married with kids to different people. My stomach hurt BAD. The way Caden barely holds himself together though it is clear he’s being torn apart, I’ve never seen that polite devastation portrayed so well. Restraint, wretchedness.

Whenever I try, I end up writing too much and not enough about this film. “I feel a longing.” I wish they didn’t cut Caden’s line from the original script about how he’s started running. Tom Noonan is truly a MVP of this film, he’s such a valuable glue. “I wanna follow you there and see how you lose even more of yourself.” The little girl who played young Olive is on tiktok (I don’t think she acts anymore). The fantastic Christopher Evan Welch’s sermon. Our broken, shattered hearts. The way they swell with love, even after grief. I miss you, where did you go? Why? The last thing Caden Cotard heard in his life was “I love you, too.” I hope it doesn’t always feel this way. It’s probably best to put my head down and just get through the next few weeks.

[fakebookreport]

Challenger Deep by Neal Shusterman

Yooooo this book was super good! I cried so many times because it was just so relatable and accurate. This novel is actually YA literature, which I think is important to note. It follows Caden, a 15 yr old boy, through what is basically a psychotic break and leads to him being hospitalized where he is medicated and diagnosed. (It never specifies if he is diagnosed with schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. More on this later.) Most of the narration is 1st person, with a few sections in 2nd person, which I thought was a bold, yet necessary move. Each section is only a few pages long; I think the longest one was 3-4 pages and many others are just a page or a page and a half. Each one is also titled, which made for some both ironic and tragic juxtaposition.

The main thing this book relies on is an extended metaphor in which psychosis is likened to a journey or quest on a pirate ship. During the most intense parts of Caden’s psychosis, we find ourselves on a pirate ship where the Captain (in my opinion) represents Caden’s illness. Halfway through the book (or maybe a little farther than that) we begin to see connections to the hospital and external world. For example, a parrot plays heavily into the plot as does a Dr. Pirout. (I’m sure I’m spelling that wrong, but you get what I mean.) Another instance of this: the ship has a masthead/figurehead shaped like a woman named Calliope, who is represented by a fellow patient named Callie who always looks out the window of the hospital. 

As a person who frequently experiences psychosis pretty regularly, this book was a double-edged sword. I’m not going to go into how it affected me personally because this is a (fake) book report, not a diary. What I will say, though, is that because I’ve been in Caden’s shoes (or his ship, so to speak.) I can vouch for how accurate the narration was. Every time Caden got close to achieving what he believed his goal was (usually in order to pacify the captain,) the goal would change. It was only when he began to take medication that he was able to differentiate between psychosis and reality. 

The other thing that this book did really, really well was in how it depicted the chronic nature of schizo-spectrum disorders. When Caden is discharged from the hospital, there is discussion of the uncertainty of his path regarding finishing high school (he was hospitalized for like 9 weeks or so, and missed a lot of school), but there’s also the acknowledgment that relapses happen, that it’s probably not a matter of if, but of when he will find himself back on the pirate ship. Despite that, the novel left me feeling hopeful, that Caden could have a good life despite his illness.

I would highly recommend this novel to anyone who wants to gain a better understanding of what it feels like to develop psychosis. It was very illuminating and showed me, a person with SZA, that there are people out there who get it and seek to help others understand as well.

It’s interesting to note that the author’s son also dealt with psychosis. Many of the son’s drawings are in the novel, and the author’s note in the back says that the novel was inspired partly by that experience.

Other important features to mention: Caden explicitly says at least once that a diagnosis isn’t a one-size-fits-all sort of deal. That’s hugely important, especially for teen lit because (at least in my experience) it’s very easy for mentally ill teens to attribute everything to their illness. I know I did this when I was in high school, and I see posts about it on social media as well. I think it’s important for readers with mental illness (and just ppl in general) to know that a diagnosis doesn’t rewrite your whole story. It also did a good job of showing that medication is more of an art than a science. Caden is on several different medicines before his doc finds the right combo for him. I also loved that he was on a combo, which is the reality for many people on the schizo spectrum. He didn’t magically get better after two days, either. The novel truly exemplified the whole “recovery is not linear,” thing. 

I didn’t like that it portrayed meds as “happy pills,” (yes, that term is in there once or twice) and that it highlighted the negative side effects while not mentioning the obvious: Yes, Seroquel makes you sleepy, but it also helps you not have psychosis. Again, speaking only from personal experience, I know when I was a teen, the idea that medicine was hiding the “real me,” and dulling my creativity, etc., was very prevalent among my peers, and I could have saved myself a lot of trips to the psych hospital if I’d just taken my meds.

Overall, this was a fantastic book, and I’m so glad that there are YA books out there about schizo-spectrum disorders that don’t paint us all as monsters, but as humans.

[orthographewrites]

🌙 oliver

SEND A SYMBOL FOR…🌙 a time my muse told the truth:

It was Tuesday. Ten days had passed since their departure from his homecity. The nights had grown chilly, but not to the point of needing an excess ofcover to keep yourself warm – something neither of them possessed any problemswith at current time. There was a silence that had run deep for the past hour,with nothing but the crackling of an almost fizzed out fire (barely showcasingthe area around it) and the late night’s humble winds to keep them company.Fatigue ran clear through them both, but one more so than the other and foronce in his own life he preyed for the opportunity to close his eyes and lurehimself to sleep to skip past the antagonizing reasons for him to turn backhome again.

Why was he here, fighting someone else’s hardships? It was a question thathad jumped back and forth, with no clear answer to be heard and leaving hishead in stirred up place; nor was it one he was allowed to dwell on for long,as the faint sounds of clothes and leaves shifting across the fire forced hisattention and senses elsewhere. His head turned in its direction right on timeto catch Caden push herself off the ground and into a seated position, her noseletting out a huff of boredom. ( @alicemorganwrites )

“I can’t sleep and I know you’re awake as well.” Caden’s voice brokethrough like an unwanted guest, leaving much to be desired in terms ofregaining the previous silence he had enjoyed to its fullest. “Let’s do something.”

“Like what?” The words came with a spoken frown, but even so Oliver choseto follow in Caden’s step and remove himself from the harshness of the dirtbelow him. He casually shrugged off a leaf dangling from his sleeve, eyes sharpas they traveled in the direction of his company.

“Hm… let’s talk. How about it?” Unlike him, Caden’s own stare held somethingcurious, if not mischievous to it. Her hand reached for a stick next to herfeet, twirling it between her fingers as she calculated her next step. “I mean…all and all I have been exposing quite a lot about myself this past month withyou and I only think it’s fair if you gave me something back. We could just aswell be dead by the end of the week, so why not?”

Why not? Oh, he could think of at least a hundred reasons as to why not butdecided to bite his tongue, far from being in the shape to verbally argue withsomeone. “I think you know enough about me – I’m not all that interesting.”

Throwing the stick into the fire, Caden quickly shook her head to dismisshis words. “And I think there’s more to it. I’ve seen some of it, yes but there’salso quite a lot about your whole situation which doesn’t make sense to me.”

“And that is?” Oliver felt his body stiffen the further Caden spoke, a distastetaking place inside his mouth as he braced for the next section of theirconversation – not impressed by the direction they were heading at.

“Yeah like that whole ordeal with everyone hating you and all that crap.Don’t get me wrong, I can see why in certain angles, like you do haveone hell of a bad attitude but I wouldn’t say it’s enough of a reason for peopleto want you to basically… drop dead, or whatever.”

Of course it had to be that, of fucking course. And if his body hadn’t beentense before, it certainly was now as he pondered on his options – not enjoyinganything this topic implied, hardly the thing to get him into a chatty mood.Thus, he let out a snort, shaking his head slowly. “You really couldn’t havepicked something a bit more light-hearted? It’s a load of bullshit, that’s whatit is, people who can’t accept change in their lives but alas that’s what we arelike as a community. Witches are hard with their customs and traditions, and myfamily has kept them safe for as long as we can remember. I wasn’t part oftheir long-term plans and I guess I also have the power of getting on theirnerves by not playing by their rules. They can’t control me and I’m unpredictable,far from the type of person my sister seemed to be – and you already know someof the story behind her, don’t you? I won’t go into detail; it won’t do any ofus any good and I need to keep my head clear so… all I can say is that this isn’ta happy story nor does it come with a happy conclusion. But sure, ask and youshall receive.” Oliver’s tone was near mocking at the end of his sentence,a snarl of truth for what was about to leave his mouth. 

A singular sigh was tofollow as he shuffled closer to the fire, a way for him to embrace the memoriesthat were about to crack through the surface and sort through the parts hewished to share.

“I’m not going to go into any deeper details, because trust me: you do notwant to deal with that.” The sharpness in his tone lingered on, but there wassomething more foreboding about the way he let the warning slip into the openair between them. A point of no return, asking Caden to be happy with what shewas given. He would tell her what he comfortable with sharing, no more or lessthan that. “But, I’ll try and give you enough so that you can understand why thingsmight have turned the way it have – at least in the way I see it and to start itall off I’ll have to make you understand one thing. Us witches are people who prideourselves on our heritage and most of us don’t enjoy change or a stir in ourordinary lives. Not all, but the majority will be found sharing the sameopinions and strive for a similar lifestyle; and having a bunch of people stuckinside the same walls for generations really isn’t a pointer for individualthinking.”

“Now, what you sort of found out about me is that I used to have a sister alittle older than myself – Cecilia, or Cilia as we called her.” His sister’sname forever tasted of something bitter these days, a bite into a dusty pieceof memory he wanted to spit out and leave behind; to dig down deep undergroundwhere it could stop haunting him. “Well, believe it or not but she was the onesupposed to take after my dad and I can hardly remember a soul who disliked herback home or was against the idea of finally getting another female Head ofMagic to watch over them. People were ecstatic, to be exact to know she wasnext in line and quite frankly I think she would have been perfect at the job.She enjoyed rules and order, excelled in school, had great manners and showedquite an interest with her future already as a fucking twelve-year-old. Now,compare that with me.” There was a pause, mentally sighing at the fact he hadto push on. “I mean, quite frankly I was seven at the time of, well, everything…and you can’t expect a seven-year-old to have their life in check, now can you?I was still playing with my crayons and making my sister’s life a living hellas brothers do – but no one saw it like that.”

There came that familiar gut-wrenching feeling again, it made him dizzy toa point of wanting to cut off the conversation and lay down for a bit. Heexhaled slowly, buying himself time to muster up the coming parts. “This iswhere us disliking change comes in, as in my sister falling out of the pictureand them getting stuck with me as their future. Sometimes I want to believethey simply glorified her too much, but at the same time – did they really? Ican’t remember. Anyway, people didn’t hold back on their opinions regarding me,about their distaste for their situation and what it could lead to in the longrun. No one said it straight to me, at least not at first, but it became quiteevident as school came around the corner and I became something of a dislikeamong children and adults equally – although I tend to give the kids a passthese days, they probably just went along with what their parents told them.Not that it hurt any less, of course, but I find school to have been the leastof my issues.”

“Eventually, as I grew older, people stopped tip-toeing around me – especiallysince they started to expect more out of me around this point. They wanted meto show some dedication to the town, to get further into politics, to mingleabout and make a good impression – whilst they also liked to put me down andremind me that I’d never be as good or important as my sister. Overall, they wouldhave preferred if I was my sister, you understand but sadly I haven’t figuredout a way to pull people back from the dead yet… maybe someday, huh.” Oliverscoffed, wincing his nose at the thought. “However, the full-on backlash youexperienced whilst in town didn’t really come my way until I moved to Rennes.I, uh, sort of had a bit of a meltdown you could say as I finally found myselftaking over the office. I wasn’t ready for it, at all, and I needed some timeaway to think things over but alas everyone took it the wrong way and startedto spread rumors about me abandoning my job – and them – to live life elsewhere.They started to call me a coward and how the fuck knows what behind my back, Idon’t really care these days.” Not the full truth. 

“But yeah, can’t say it did a positive number on meand instead of giving the job a second try I, as you might have guessed, stayeddown in Rennes and began to work from a distance. I just feel… awful, like I want to vomit every time I’m supposed to head home. I can’t stay there for toolong nor do I feel welcome, anyway. It’s a situation that’s out of my hand atthis point, I do what I can to keep everyone afloat and out of disaster, but Ialso know that no matter what I try, it’ll never be enough. I’ll never be my sisterand they hate me sorely because of that.” What was he to say beyond this point? That he, deeply within, agreed with everyone? That he wished, above anything, that he could go back in time and reverse the roles somehow or at least attempt to save the life of his own sister? No, he wasn’t going to dive into that today, if ever. It was best left at the back of his head, where it could boil and root itself on its lonesome -- away from prying eyes. “That’s all I’m going to tell you, don’t ask me further questions. Now, we have a pretty long damned day in front of us tomorrow so we should try and get some rest. At least I know I am.”

[silvershorebacc]

On Community Funds

A while ago I asked on my main simblr whether people would be interested in learning how I intend to manage money in this new BACC of mine. Nerdy post with my current concept coming up. As per usual I’m open to suggestions. I’d definitely be interested in knowing how you handle this, if you have sort of a community fund.

This first developed in my main save, but since I didn’t implement it there from the beginning it’s a mess over there (as is almost everything these days, tbh). So when I started the new BACC I decided to implement a community fund from the beginning and properly work with it.

1. Technical Implementation

I have found that the easiest way to have a community fund is using a spreadsheet. I might be biased because I love spreadsheets. I’ll gladly spend a whole day at work doing statistics in Excel. Yes, I’m weird. Aaaaaaanyhow. I set up a very simple table to start things off. Every round I tally the money added to and taken out of the community fund. At the top I have a tally to show me the current balance.

Here is a screenshot to illustrate. I’ll explain what happened here in the following paragraphs:

2. Increasing the Community Fund

Taxes: Every week when my sims pay their bills I note the amount they are charged and put half of it into a (imagined) community fund.

Donations: If a family makes a lot of money during their week they might donate more to the fund. For example Caden was very busy with crafting bathtubs one week, so they had around 20.000 simoleons to spare at the end of the week. I decided they’d donate half of the money earned that week into the community fund.

New Sims: In my mind the community fund isn’t just money. Especially in the early days of a BACC I think of it more in regards of being the effort the community can put into building a new lot. Thus I add a flat 5.000 simoleons for every new sim who moves into town.

3. Paying for Community Lots

Now, you might be wondering what I’m using the community fund for? It basically pays for community lots. So far the only lots in my BACC are a beach and a museum (at the time of this post still a bit of a WIP). The way I used this was to first build the lot and make sure all the required items were on it, then having a look at the lot value and deducting that from the community fund. I do usually round the amount to a nice number. I also don’t make them pay for the lot itself, so it’s really just the cost of the building and all furniture on it.

One thing I’m still unsure about is how to deal with future extensions to community lots. I’m slightly worried that if I make them pay for everything I’ll get bored by always having pretty basic community lots. It might also get a bit too confusing to keep track of everything. So my vague plan for now is to have them pay for the first building. It does have to complete all the lot requirements for the venue in question and it can’t just be “cheated” by throwing the required objects on the lot without thought, but it also doesn’t have super detailed.

Take the museum, for example. It didn’t have landscaping in the beginning, but it did have all the requirements like toilets, an easel, a proper building, lights, and display cases for the statues. I have since gone back to it and landscaped it. We also have various collections in there now, as well as masterpieces painted by Mahelt. The lot value is definitely higher than 20.000 simoleons now, but I won’t take any more money for it out of the community fund for now, because tracking how much I actually spent on additional furniture and landscaping (as opposed to things that the residents found/crafted and donated to the museum) would be a bit of a pain. I might eventually decide to deduce estimated amounts for bigger additions, but I’m still very much thinking about how to handle this.

As an alternative I’m contemplating having a flat fee for each lot type. Like having 5.000 for a simpler lot like a park and 20.000 or even more for something more elaborate.

4. No Free Money

Usually when sims move out of their parents’ house they get a healthy 20.000 simoleons. Which is nice and all, but I eventually noticed in my old save that I got bored by that. My sims would usually start in very similar houses. The solution? No free momey! When they move out I’ll use the money cheat to adjust their funds as well as their parents’ funds. The money they get has to come from their parents’ account. This also helps with the issue of families just getting too rich rather quickly.

When a new sim moves into town I randomly determine their starting funds (between ~10.000 and ~50.000 simoleons). Again, helps against the boredom. When sims can’t afford a proper home with their starting funds they’ll either have to rough it for a while, or they might get additional money from the community fund. I’ll probably eventually have a sort of boarding house lot for new sims who struggle with money until they find a reliable source of income (although tracking their individual accounts might get tricky). I recently opened a sort of retirement home for elders in my main save; this boarding house for sims just starting out will probably take a similar form.

___________________________

Well, this ended up being longer than I had anticipated. Feel free to leave your thoughts on the system. Are you using something similiar? Suggestions on how to improve it are always welcome, of course. As you might have noticed this is very much still a WIP.

[cevans-is-classic]

Let Me Try and Try Again

Chapter Two 

Lance Tucker X Luciana Wright  (OFC) Chapters Found Here 

Summary: He really has no idea what to do with kids especially his own daughter but he’s trying, really he is, so when Olympia comes down with a 103.2° fever and can barely keep her eyes open he panics. Maggie is back on training in Florida and he can’t reach her. Midnight E.R trip results in him meeting pediatric Nurse Luciana Wright who opens his eyes to the world going on outside of gymnastics and his own downward spiral life.

Ooo

Nerves prickled in the back of Lance’s neck, his sunglasses firmly in place, jacket left hanging open as he stood outside the daycare Olympia went too during the day. Maggie has talked him into letting the little girl return to daycare after a week on the breathing treatment, a small inhaler that was an ugly color of yellow with a flower stuck to the side and breathing medicine that made Ollie wrinkle her nose and complain loudly for hours until Lance finally agreed to let her have extra juice to wash away the taste. The antibiotics were clearing up her cough thank goodness, her color finally balancing out and yesterday she practiced a tumble at the gym with one of the other day girls. She was fine, but Lance still felt an ill pressed worry burning its way into his chest as he watched the teachers and care providers open the doors to the parents taking names as they lined up for their children.

Lance stepped up behind a blonde hair lady, wavy hair falling just over her shoulders, loose strands of it stuck to her black t-shirt. Lance wrinkled his nose watched her lift the curtain of hair to wipe a black fingernail polished hand across her neck before letting it drop and looking up at Mrs. April, or was it May, he couldn’t remember, some month name that she would say softly as she leaned into his arm. The girl was a little older than Maggie, his usual type, but something felt wrong about hitting on his kid’s glorified babysitter who he paid way too much money towards.

“Hey, June,” Right, June! The blonde called out her voice prickling something deep inside of Lance forcing the man to lean closer, “Good day today?”

Miss June nodded, “No accidents today, although he did get a little too excited during arts and crafts I’m sure the stain will come out,”

Blondie laughed, throwing her head back and tugging the plaid bag closer to her before reaching for the clipboard, “Anna better be happy I needed to do laundry tonight anyway,” He groaned inwardly as her voice tugged him closer and closer a nagging noise in the back of his head.

“Tell your sister we said hi and we hope she’ll be well enough to pick up Caden next week,”

“Definitely, thanks, June,”

“No problem, Luc,” Miss June waved the blonde inside, her body already turning towards Lance who was nearly frozen in spot.

Luc. Luc with wavy blonde hair. His eyes dropped on their own accord taking in the woman’s stride her long legs, that rounded ass covered by black shorts with a skull over the back pocket. There was no way in ever living hell.

“Mr. Tucker,” June’s voice tugged him back, a clipboard pressing into his arms reeling him into the here and now as he flashed her his megawatt smile, ignored her fluttering eyelash signed the damn paper and followed the woman inside. She walked fast, tugging the plaid bag closer and closer as she made her way down the hall. Every once in awhile she’d wave towards another Mother or Father, Lance looked from door to door watching out for Ollie’s room keeping one eye out for his daughter’s door and the other on Nurse Luc. At least he figured it was Nurse Luc, how many women went by that name and had an ass like that? Blondie stopped just short of the four to five-year-old’s room, turning towards the door and opening it slowly, Lance just barely caught the glimpse of a smile before she disappeared inside and he continued forwards towards the two to three-year-olds.

Opening the door he forced a grin in place letting his gaze sweep over the room behind his sunglasses as Miss Tracy noticed him and waved. Olympia was playing with her favorite pink Troll doll, combing through its hair not even paying attention to Miss Tracy packing up her bag until the teacher touched her shoulder and motioned to Lance.

This was his favorite part.

“Dad’y,” Ollie’s blue eyes lit up as she rose to her feet dropping the Troll doll to throw her arms in the air so that Lance could lean down and swing his daughter into his arms. She made incomprehensible noise, slurred words falling from her mouth as she pressed her face into his neck and wrapped her tiny arms around him.

Miss Tracy stepped towards them holding out her bag for Lance to grab, “She took her medicine before lunch and we were lucky enough not to have an attack today,” the older woman updated him.

“You’re the best, thank you,” Lance flashed his teeth at her feeling a twist in his gut as her blush spread across her cheeks and down her neck. He nodded goodbye, letting Ollie cheer out a bye as they made their way into the hallway and into a screaming tantrum of a little boy with silvery blonde hair, his spiderman sneakered foot stamping the ground as he screamed at the top of his lung. Face beet red, tears streaming down his cheeks and standing over him with a very unimpressed look was Nurse Luc.

Her head shot up at the sound of the door closing behind Lance, eyebrows shooting into her hair to see the man standing there. Lance was grateful to have the sunglasses on, grateful to have lost any and all sense of bashfulness in his youth as they stared each other down. An embarrassed smile crept its way onto Nurse Luc’s face, her tongue swiping out at a hoop lip ring that glinted silver under the light. Lance grinned back, swallowing down the heat crawling through his body thankful for the screaming child drawing Nurse Luc’s attention back to give him time to adjust Ollie onto his other hip and collect himself for a moment.

“Cayden James,” Nurse Luc said once. The child looked up screams still tearing through his throat, with a sigh Nurse Luc dropped to her knees grab the kid around his waist and heaved the screaming child over her shoulder where he stuttered for a second before falling limp.

She turned back to Lance, “Hello, Mr. Tucker,” her eyes sparkled as he swept over his body before focusing in on Ollie, “Little Olympia, I didn’t know you went here,”

Ollie lifted her face from Lance’s neck, blue eyes jumping back in forth between her father and the nurse before she grinned, “Yeah! Look,” The two-year-old then tried to launch herself from Lance’s arms barely giving him time to adjust and catch the child in time. She giggled throwing her head back in a fit as Nurse Luc laughed along catching the attention of the young boy who lifted his head in time to see his daughter try to somersault out of his arms once more.

“Ollie, stop it,”

“Som’sault, Dad’y,” She laughed even harder when Lance forced her into his chest.

“Gotta give her an A for effort,” Nurse Luc laughed readjusting the young boy so that he sat on her hip and was now idly watching a giggling Ollie.

“She tries that’s for sure,” Lance agreed walking closer to the woman who fell into step with him. He noticed she still held an ever-present smile but up close like this, in civilian clothes with her hair down and the April sun hitting her golden hair, she looked completely different than the Nurse he had wanted to thank over and over again. They walked towards the parking lot together, a slow stroll as Lance tried to find words that didn’t make him sound like an ass or referenced hers.

“Your kid?” He practically grunted out.

Nurse Luc hefted Cayden further on her hip, “Naw, my nephew,” She grinned at him, “how long has Little Olympia gone to Beginners Prep?”

“Her mom found it at the beginning of the year. It’s a great place to watch and teach her when she’s on training and I’m stuck at the gym,” They were standing beside a silver Toyota, a car seat situated in the back with several Mcdonalds happy meals boxes shoved into a yellow plastic bag on the floor.

Nurse Luc cocked her head, “Oh, you work out a lot?”

It was meant as a joke, he could hear the infliction through her words but his brain didn’t quite register correctly, “I own it. It’s mine. Gold Standard Gymnastics in West Hills,” his chest puffed up, grin turning into a smirk. He could see her blue eyes scanning over him taking in his bulging biceps, thick thighs and if he didn’t know any better he’d sworn she paused near his manhood. Pride bellied itself deep,

“Shoulda took you for a gymnast, Mr. Tucker,”

“Lance, please,” He offered.

She smiled, “Then you can stop calling me Nurse Luc,” Shit. How many times had he addressed her by the name?

“Aunt, Aunt, Aunt Lu-uc,” The little boy whined, shoving himself out of his aunt’s arm and slipping down to the concrete, green eyes flashing up at Lance in annoyance.

Luc smiled once before looking down at the kid, “What,”

He frowned, “I want to go home, stop talking, come on,” The boy crossed his arms impressively a scowl tugging his features down. Luc lifted one blonde brow her lips opening into a bright, cheery shit-eating grin as she threw her head back laughing causing the boy to scowl even harder.

“Oh, God kid, remind me to kick your mother’s ass,” She turned to Lance and politely smiled at Ollie, “I am so sorry for my nephew’s rude behavior, you see he’s four years old but still acts like an infant. It was wonderful seeing you Little Olympia and you,” She turned her brilliant smile to Lance, “keep on keeping on, Gymnast,”

Luc was buckling Cayden in when Lance finally got his tongue to work, “Hey.” he started.

She lifted up, closing the door, ‘Yeah?”

He paused, finally taking her in without Cayden straddling her hip. She wore a printed black tee the words “Be proud” across her breasts which, honestly, were very nice to notice. Her legs weren’t as tan as her arms but they went on for miles in her black shorts, Chuck Taylors finishing up the outfit and Lance had a clear thought of ‘Grunge, punk kink,’ through his mind before grinning his award-winning smile towards her, “I should take you out sometime,”

It’s in these split-second moments before the female responds to him that Lance decides whether he would sleep with her or not. He could look her up and down and notice if she worked out if she was worth a breakfast the next day or standard Tucker dinner, a chance to win his gold before he thanked her and walked his walk home.  Nine times out of ten it was the latter but sometimes it even went beyond breakfast. He moved Ollie high on his hip, mentally chastising himself for knowing that Luc would be a breakfast girl before the woman laughed and sent him a wink.

He had never experienced that reaction.

“That’s a joke, right?” Luc smiled sardonically.

Lance raised an eyebrow, “Not even a little bit,”

She paused in her laugh, blue eyes widening quickly before narrowing down her smile still in place although her body language had changed drastically, “You- uh, you do know you’re gorgeous right? Not even like, Oh I’m a pretty boy gorgeous, you are ridiculously hot with the smile and hair and the ridiculous attempt at being a cocky bad boy with a two-year-old on your hip. You’re a solid 12 and I, Mr. Tucker am a meager three on a good day when my hair doesn’t try to rebel against me,”

Somewhere in the back of Lance’s mind he heard a warning bell, a light going off screaming self-esteem issues and possible daddy issues before he shook it all away and stepped closer to the nurse dropping his glasses down the bridge of his nose, “How about you give me your phone number instead of your self-oriented hot or not rank,”

***

To: Nurse Luc: Friday night at 8?

From Nurse Luc: You’re serious?

To Nurse Luc: Honey, when it comes to dates I’m always serious.

From Nurse Luc: You can’t be cheeky with me, Mr. Tucker, I’ve seen you vulnerable with no hair gel

To Nurse Luc: Is that a yes?

From Nurse Luc: Why the fuck not sure pick me up at eight, gymnast.

***

It was three o’clock on a Wednesday, sitting in his office with his head buried in his laptop trying to finish some paperwork when one of the girls screamed and Lance took off in a run towards the tumbling mats. His other coach getting there before him shoving the girls out of the way letting him see Ollie keeled over, her face a scary shade of blue as her mouth opened and closed like a fish, gaping up at her Father who cursed loudly screaming at Markus to grab the inhaler from the office NOW!

“Coach I can’t find it,” He screamed. Fuck. Fuck. Lance looked at his daughter panic swarming through him as he ripped his phone from his pocket and dialed without thinking. She answered on the third ring music blaring in the background.

“Gymnast,” She chimed.

“I don’t have Ollie’s inhaler and she’s having a severe attack,” The music stopped abruptly.

“Sit her upright, as straight as you can get her,” Lance hit speakerphone handed it to one of the older girls and helped right Ollie until her shoulders pushed back, “She needs to take in long deep breathes, in and out slowly,”

Lance leaned down to face his daughter, “Hey baby girl can you copy cat me,” He breathed in through his nose deep enough to puff out his chest, some of the girls around him copied him until Ollie took notice and did as he did letting her air out slowly along with them through her mouth. Lance mentally counted to ten, taking breathes with his daughter until color slowly, too damn slow, came back into her cheeks.

“Okay,” His hands shakily kept her upright.

Luc made a noise through the phone, “Get something caffeinated, it sounds weird I know but she needs to open up her airways,”

Lance turned to look at one of the older girls who nodded, his eyes noticing his other coach running back inside something clutched in his fist, Lance’s keys dangling from his other hand, “We have her inhaler,”

“Good, that’s good, give it to her, okay but she needs to take it easy and make sure she drinks the caffeine. You’re at the gym right?”

Lance nodded before shaking his head and speaking out loud, “Yes,”

“Good, I’m on my way. I want to check her,” with that Luc hung up

0o0

Reposted chapter two and I do so hope you readers enjoy. 

The asthma technique was something we were actually told once to do by our school nurse when my friend had a severe attack and had forgotten her inhaler at home. 

As always comments and reblogs are a joy! I am always willing to open a tag list as well. 

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 190

Trey

"Hold up." Devin says looking around the table. "Trey did you cook this?"

"No." I say scrunching up my face.

He looks at Chris. "Did you cook this?"

"Naw, we just sat down and started eating. Trey, why we sat down here?"

"Cause it was food."

Devin wasn't leaving it alone. "Your mama not here, Cammie not taking the time, and MiMi ass don't do nothing."

"Sevyn?"

"She went out this morning." Chris shrugs. "With Cammie."

We sit there for a few seconds still eating. It didn't bother me how the food got here. The fact was that it was here and I was eating it. Nothing complicated. Devin grabs a piece of toast from the plate in front of us.

"Daddy?" Lane says walking in the kitchen. He sees me and gets excited. "Hey."

"Good morning, son." I say returning the excitement.

He comes over looking at my plate. "What's that?"

"A strawberry." I say giving it to him.

"I'll be back, Bae." someone yells then comes in the kitchen.

"Oh." I say suddenly remembering. "Kain."

Chris scrunches up his face. "You cooked this breakfast?"

"There's a problem with a nigga cooking breakfast? I cook for my family every morning."

"But you a drug dealer. They do that?" I smirk.

He chuckles. "Do they Devil?"

Devin scrunches his face. "I'm a clean ass nigga. I don't know what they do."

"Boe." Kain says making a face. "What's up, Lane?"

"My cousin here?" Lane says paying Kain attention. "Way her at? Naya!"

There's a loud noise in the dining room then running. Man, that's trouble. Lane and Shani. She is a fucking ratchet ass girl in the making. She curses, she pinches, she bites, she cries, she makes pouting I’m sorry faces. Lane brings the bad out of most kids but that little girl don't need help being bad.

"Lane. Hey Lane." she says hugging him.

"Cousin." he says pushing her off him. "Way you Mommy?"

They disappear. Kain leaves out of the kitchen as well. My phone goes off. I stare at Cammie's face until it says missed call. Chris looks at the phone with a frown on his face. He remains quiet. It starts ringing again. I slowly pick it up.

"Morning." I say.

"You sound dry, Tremaine. What are you doing?"

I stuff my mouth. "Eating."

"You cooked?"

I chuckle. "No, really. Let's be serious."

"I miss you. Are you coming to watch me dance?"

"No, wife."

"Why not?" she whines.

I change the call to video. She answers it right away. When the video loads she is sitting on the floor in front of the mirror with people dancing behind her. Cammie is one of those people that is beautiful first thing in the morning without doing anything to her face. When she does it am over the top beauty. She sitting in front of this camera with no make up, sweat, and her hair tied back.

"You look beautiful."

"Eww." She says covering the camera. "I look like a sweaty ragdoll."

I chuckle. "Lane here. Talk to your mama."

He looks at the phone with a long face then he looks at me. "No. I said that."

"The pineapple?" I say giving it to him.

"He took the time to slice the pineapple." Chris says staring at the pineapple.

Lane puts the phone down the run away. "Naya!"

"My sister there already?" Cammie says.

"Yeah. He thug cooks."

Cammie laughs. "Yeah, I know. He does it every morning."

Mommy wobbles into the room. "I still can't get used to walking in the room with y'all ass sitting there casually. Hey."

"I didn't know you were pregnant."

"I'm not!" she says offended.

I frown picking up the phone. "Oh."

She laughs really hard. "Just kidding. I am. My baby daddy can make a spread right? Got it looking professional. He was having fun with all the damn fresh food y'all got up in here. Oh guess what. Twins!"

"That's why you so big." Devin says.

"Oh shoot. Dee, I thought you were a cute celebrity sitting up there."

"Cute?" Devin says making a face. "Fuck I look like?"

"Cute." Chris laughs.

I look back at the phone. "What's so cute about twins?"

"No, Dee is cute. Twins aren't cute." Mommy says walking her belly around the counter. "I'm wish twins on you. It's either the 2nd born or the third."

"That bitch not even having twins." Cammie says. "Maine, I have to go back and dance. Love you."

"Love you." I say staring at her. I wanted to tell her no but I didn't.

"Anyway, twins?" she says rubbing her belly.

I frown. "I'm confused. You asking me?"

"Yes, I was lying before. It's a girl." she says making the ball in her stomach move. She didn't look as big. "She likes to sit with her butt on my stomach and lungs so I can't eat so much. Girls. Already a self-conscious bitch. Don't want us getting fat."

"I would take whatever if it's a girl involved. Then we done."

"At 3 or 4? Hell I'm surprised you got Cammie to have one." Mommy says giggling.

I frown. "She wanted kids."

"Who? Miss conceited? Bitch, ain't never wanted to lose that perfect body. Whqt she doing right now? Exercising. Call it dance... Still keeping that figure right."

"Cammie, don't act like she didn't want kids." Chris frowns.

"Let me ask my mama." I say taking out my phone. "I don't think I ever asked."

Mama answers right now the first ring. "Good morning, Tremaine."

"Must be some new old saggy balls in your life."

"They only about 25. Still perky."

I chuckle. "And full of STI's. Nasty."

She laughs really hard. "Tremaine on the phone. Talking about nuts. You know I always knew he liked bags in his mouth."

"The fuck?" I say trying to stay serious.

"Rose? Tremaine, your cousin said hey. Rose said to tell Lane to call her."

"I'm not because he gonna be talking about going to Virginia and Cammie not having it."

Ma laughs really hard. "We going to a garage sale the church having. I should have got some stuff from my basement. Yeah, that old dresser. I thought it would go back in the other room. It's too big. Whatever."

"April."

"Tremaine!"

"Cammie wanted kids?"

She sucks her teeth. "Ask your wife."

"Before she had Lane?"

"No, Tremaine, she didn't."

I suck my teeth. "So why she kept em?"

April laughs. "Thank God you didn't ask your wife. Start an argument if you want. He talking about why she kept his son."

"Not like that."

"How else is it Tremaine? What does it matter now? She wasn't getting an abortion."

I nod. "Oh, yeah, you right."

"Give me that."

"No coffee." I say moving it from him. "Go call Rose."

"I don't know." he lies.

I give him the phone. "Here."

He grabs the coffee cup then cuts his eyes at me. I watch him while he sips the coffee with caution. I don't know why I allowed him to do it after I said no. He takes two sips then he grabs the phone. He sits down on the stool instead of getting down.

"April?" he says.

"Say what?" April snaps looking at the phone. "Girl, Lane said my name like that. Sounding like a grown man. Good morning, handsome."

He slides the coffee towards him. "Hey, Nanma."

"But I was just April."

"No, sir." I say taking the cup from Lane.

He screams. I can deal with his screaming. I'm not dealing with explaining to Cammie that her son high off of coffee because I don't know how to say no to a 2 year old. He puts his head on the table but doesn't cry. Bad ass. I look over at Mommy and Devin. She puts her hand on his chest. It wasn't a simple hand on the chest. It was a hand on the chest then caress to his arm. She walks out of the kitchen. I look at Chris. He was looking down at his food. I guess he missed that. As I'm looking away he holds his head up with a smirk on his face. I nod my head. He starts laughing. Devin was just sitting there quiet.

"Something we should know about?" I ask.

"Hell no." Devin says grabbing a muffin. "That ain't me in this life. I hurt my baby too much. That girl..." he looks around. "She ain't no Cammie. Watch her."

Chris frowns. "That means?"

"She likes to flirt and thinks it funny for her fucking man to get jealous. It's a fucking game they play. I ain't in it."

"Okay." I retort.

"She like dark skin men. Sorry Chris." Devin chuckles. "You will see."

"No the fuck we won't." I say.

Caden starts screaming in the monitor. I look at it. He went from quiet to highly upset. Lane was the first to react. He jumps down from the stool running out of the kitchen. I don't know what the hell he think he is going to do. I stuff my mouth then look in the fridge for some bags of milk. I check the date then fix a bottle. I'm on Daddy Duty.

   Sevyn

Cammie smiles at me. "That's cute. Are you getting it?"

"No. Let me tell you what I'm thinking."

"It sounds negative." she says covering her ears.

I pin her arms to her side. "You better listen. I'm supposed to be going to Chicago next week. I'm thinking of talking Chris out of following me there then when his jealous ass try to pop up on me I have like this really cute setup for him. Like clothes, shoes, whatever, whatever. What do you think?"

"Girl, Chris ass gonna ruin it by thinking its for some other nigga."

"Fuck my jealous ass boyfriend."

Cammie giggles. "I don't know what kinda shit you on but I'm married."

I frown then laugh. "Cammie shut the fuck up."

"Am I in this conversation?" MiMi asks.

"No." I snap. "I told you we not fucking cool."

She rolls her eyes. "Make the setup Chris specific. Like have some shit up there that he knows is especially for him. Like some monogrammed shit or something. Something he can't mistake as shit for another man."

"Whatever." I say. "Cammie I got an idea."

"Bitch you better not." I say.

"Cammie. I can customize it for just Chris. Like buy something and get his name on it."

MiMi giggles then answers her phone. "Hey, My King. Use Cammie's milk. I had two full bottles already. You fed her both of them? And she wants more? Oh... Oh. I thought. Okay I got you. Oh no. Bitch, bye."

"I think that's a good idea, Amber. How did you come up with that?"

"Cause she a piece of shit. I want to do something for Devin. Like I want him to know I appreciate how he turned his life around. He making legal money and he so proud of himself."

Cammie giggles. Her bitch ass on the phone again with Trey. Like damn, what's the sudden change? I look at MiMi. She was looking at Cammie as well. I need her to look at me so that we can talk shit about Cammie with her eyes. I never too much heard MiMi talk real shit about Cammie. Even when they weren't talking she was more mad about the fact that they not talking. MiMi finally cuts her eyes at me. I start laughing at the face she gives me.

"You bitches come on." Cammie says walking away.

"So what's this sudden call Tremaine every 10 minutes? Bitch he home. Call him when we dancing our asses off. Call him while changing. Call him while walking to the car. What the hell you calling him so much for?"

Cammie rolls her eyes getting an attitude. "I got to have a reason for calling my husband?"

"Bitch, he home!" MiMi snaps.

Cammie giggles. "I'm trying to be a wife and a Mother. I called to check on Caden just now cause its feeding time and my breast aren't there. You think I'm calling him too much?"

"Yes." MiMi says.

"No." I say.

"Amber, call Chris and ask him if I'm call Trey too much."

I cut my eyes at her. "And look suspicious?"

"Chris knows how to be discreet." she says confident.

"Whatever." I say calling Chris.

He doesn't answer. I go to tell them but he calls back.

"Beautiful." he says.

"What are you doing?"

He chuckles. "Lane and Nia... Naya. Whatever this girl name playing bumper cars with these powerwheels. Yall stop!"

"Oh. So Trey not around?"

"No." He says. "I'm about to get your daddy, Lane! I'm bout to get him cause he just says no bitch when I tell him something. Bad ass motherfucker."

I chuckle. "Ask Trey is Cammie calling him too much. Like you know don't ask like that."

He starts whispering. "Yo."

"Yeah."

"Lane and that little girl playing bumper cars with those power cars."

"Nigga." Trey snaps not whispering. "Tell them to stop."

"He said no bitch."

Trey sucks his teeth. "He should have. You sound like a bitch. He two. Snatch his ass out the car and tell him to come to me."

Chris chuckles. "You sound like Cammie. She rubbed off on you. Aye, she don't normally call you that much. You ain't acting like it bother you."

"It don't. Why would it? Nigga stop stalling and go get that kid before they hurt themselves."

"Aight." He says walking away.

I look at Cammie. She was smiling. I roll my eyes. MiMi sucks her teeth.

"So gone." MiMi says.

"Lane." Chris says. "No come here. Little nigga."

I laugh at his voice. "Chris what is going on?"

He facetimes me. Lane was out of the car running around the yard. I laugh then cover my mouth showing Cammie. He would stop running then stand there waiting for Chris to walk close then take off again.

"Daylan!" Cammie says. Lane falls trying to look around.

I give Cammie the phone. "Gameover."

"You go put those cars up right now. I told you the next time you do that you are not playing with them. Tell Nia I am not playing with her ass."

"Nia!" Lane yells running away.

Chris chuckles. "He said you in trouble Naya. Mommy gonna pop us."

"What she say?" Cammie snaps.

"She pouting and sitting in the car."

"That's not what I told her to do. Chris that is a child's way of saying they don't care. Tell her to put that car up before I get those thighs."

He walks across the yard. "Cammie said put that car up before she gets those thighs."

"No." Nia says driving away.

"Where Lane?" Trey asks.

"I told Cammie." Chris says.

Trey chuckles. "Of course."

"Hey, Baby." Cammie says.

"Eww." I say snatching my phone then hanging up.

Cammie laughs walking away. "Bitch."

[imaginexwwe]

One Sided Love 4|4 (SETH ROLLINS)

Warnings: NONE

___________

“Seriously…?” Y/N mumbled out loud while wrapping a towel around her, before going to answer the door.

She was not in the mood for company of any kind tonight, especially not after that big blow up with her dad.

This week back home was supposed to be a happy one to celebrate her dad’s fiftieth birthday but instead an unexpected run in with her ex changed all of that.

Leaving her relationship with her dad in question, yet again.

And Y/N and Caden in a hotel room.

___________

“Y/N, I do not want you walking out of this house with that man…” Her dad shouted at her trying to be heard over Caden’s cries. “He’s not what you need in your life.”

Y/N rolled her eyes.

Still after me confronting him, he still thinks he can dictate my decisions.

How could he still not get it?

How could he still not see the big picture here?

It’s not about her right now.

Her being angry wasn’t all about her.

Or Seth for that.

It was about her son being robbed of six months with his dad.

Y/N took Caden from Seth, gently patting his back to get him quiet again. “You’re right, dad. I don’t need Seth in my life. But I’m not thinking about me right now, I’m thinking about my son. Your grandson…” She trailed off momentarily while pointing at her dad. “He’s too young to speak up for himself let alone make decisions so I have to and if his dad wants to be involved I’m not gonna push him away just to satisfy you.”

___________

A louder knock sounded through out the room, causing Y/N to quickly unlock the door, opening it with a scowl on her face.

“Would you not knock so loud, Seth..?” She asked as soon as she saw who it was.

Not that she expected it to be anyone different, considering he had followed her to the hotel, insisting that he stay close in case she needed a shoulder to cry on or just to help with Caden.

“… I do not need him waking up.” She said, her face softening as she glanced back at the peaceful sleeping baby.

___________

Seth nodded following Y/N’s gaze over to his mini me before looking back to his ex.

“I came to see him before he fell asleep…” He admitted kinda sad he was too late.

He hasn’t even known about his son, up until a few hours ago and he already wanted to speed almost, if not every waking day with him.

And the fact that Y/N would most likely be around was kinda like icing on his non existing cake.

“Well, you’re too late.” Y/N mumbled with a shrug as she slowly started to push on the door.

Trying to close it, on Seth.

“I am…” He said a playful smile forming. “But since you’re up, I can be that shoulder to cry on if you need it.” Seth finished as he tried to ease himself into her hotel room.

__________

Nope, Y/N thought to herself as she put her hand out pressing it against Seth’s chest to keep him at arms length.

And out of her hotel room.

“I’m not crying.” She said, now bringing her hand to her face. “So thank you, but no thank you.”

His gesture or whatever you’d call it was nice but a couple hours too late.

Her tears have already dried.

“Alright then…” Seth replied inching his hand out to her, slightly pulling at the ends of her towel. “I can be your cuddle buddy.” He added with his famous chuckle.

But she wasn’t amused.

“Oh so this time you want me to let you into my hotel room for some ‘fun’?” She questioned with air quotes, before quickly grabbing back onto her towel before it slipped off. “But just last year, you was kicking me out of yours…”

__________

Seth sighed dramatically looking up then back down to his ex.

“It was a joke, Y/N. You don’t hav–”

__________

Y/N groaned mentally cursing herself.

Of course she knew it was a joke.

But she was just tense already and Seth wasn’t helping.

“I know…” She said cutting Seth off. “It’s just this day has been hell, and like I don’t know.” She mumbled with a pout. “I think I have like hotel anxiety or something now because of you and…” Y/N stopped looking at her ex.

Tears were again stinging her eyes.

“… I think I might need your shoulder.”

__________

“You okay now?” Seth asked after Y/N brought her head up.

Before she actually gave him an answer, she sniffed a little, wiping tears that were still on her cheeks.

“Yeah.” Y/N finally spoke up after taking in a breath then letting it out. “So why did you really come to my room? Is it really all cause you wanted to see our son?”

Seth smiled hearing her ask that.

Our son.

Seth nodded. “And to talk to you. I just wanted to know some more about him, like how many pounds he was at birth, his birthday, everything that I should know, and anything that’s random but you want to talk about it anyway.”

__________

Y/N smiled at Seth after hearing that he had so many questions for her about their son.

After all Caden was her favorite person to talk about.

“His birthday is two days before yours.” She said with a giggle. “So that was interesting to have him almost share a birthday with you. And he was almost eight pounds…”

She continued to talk and laugh with Seth, telling him everything Caden related that popped into her mind.

This felt nice to her to be able to talk to him after so long and it not just be a screaming match between the two.

It felt like old times in a way.

“You know I wanna, no…” Seth said shaking his head, in the middle of Y/N talking. “I’m gonna be around all the time now that I know what we have Y/N. I want us to be a real family and for our son to have parents that he knows loves him and eachot–.”

“Seth…” Y/N said with a sigh feeling the conversation take a turn she wasn’t ready for. “Can you not take it there?”

__________

Take it where? Seth wondered to himself.

“I thought I made it clear I still wanted you. We could get married tomorrow no questions asked.”

He watched her shake her head.

“We can’t just pick up where we left off like that day never happened cause it did, and it changed a lot for me, and for my feelings towards you, Seth…”

As she slowly came to a pause Seth felt his heart drop a little.

Did she still not see that he was a changed man?

“And I get that you’ve grown or whatever…” She said as if hearing his thoughts. “But I’m not ready to fully throw myself into a relationship with you because of that until I can trust you again.”

“So it’s done for good with us?”

Y/N nodded slowly, biting her lip. “But you can always keep trying to prove yourself to me, starting with keeping your word and being there for Caden.” She finished with a smile.

Seth smiled also knowing he had a slight chance at happiness with her.

“I can do that.” He replied watching Y/N get up, and head into the bathroom. “But wait, I got one more question…”

__________

Y/N stopped in the bathroom doorway looking back at Seth, curious as to what he wanted to ask now.

“Is Caden breastfed, or bottle fed..?” He asked with a smirk.

She let out a loud gasp as soon as the question was out of his mouth but before she could say something back, Seth spoke up again.

“I told you I wanted to know everything.” He said laughing.

___________

Tag List: @panic-angel3314 @princesstoniii @littleprincess1621 @finnbalorsbabygirl @blondekel77 @eshia16 @cam0flug3 @calwitch @monochrome-decadance @pookiepookie8 @jadalecki-jackles @moonchildcorbin @gurl-writer @lost-in-the-stories

[iincandcscence-a-blog]

                                 what’s this ?? a bias list ????

so i said i’d do this at 100. i said i’d do this at 200. and now, here i am, finally doing it at 260+ and climbing. like....... me? wow, i’m actually really flattered. when i first picked up rodimus as a muse, i didn’t know what i was getting into. i knew the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky side of rodimus and that’s what i delved into; it was how i portrayed roddy as. now here i am, with a fully developed understanding of roddy, with all these connections he has, all these crack ships i keep seeming to find myself in...

now i’m notoriously bad for rambling on about people so i tend to shove things under a read more. but before i do, lemme just take the moment to say thank you. each and every one of you, for following me and enjoying my interpretation of rodimus. now, without further ado, onto the sappiest part of my bias list!

★  »»  ❛   THANKS FOR TRAVELLING WITH ME.   ❜    ━━━    close friends.

@swordbearing  ;;  dork level over 9000 !!

CADEN. god caden where do i start ?? this is FINALLY the moment where i can call you out in the good way about how wonderful you are and how you’ve been such a great friend but woRDS ARE NOT FORMULATING. okay let’s see... well, you’re really an awesome friend. you’ve been there for me more times than i can count and i honestly feel great when i chat to you?? like, we’ve got such an awesome bond happening here despite there being an entire ocean kinda separating us. and i love discussing all the concepts for drift and roddy ?? the amount of pain we put them both through is astounding but hey it all works out because they’re gonna be super close and supportive of each other in the end. and honestly i can’t wait to flesh out their relationship more for our blogs. but yes, a summary (because this is already a gigantic paragraph of bleh): i love you and i really hope we keep in contact in the future too !!

@defectiicon  ;;  a true nerd.

kelpy oh my god. i have so much i could talk about in this but just like with caden, i can’t think of the words and i’m gonna fall short on how much i appreciate you as a friend ?? like. wow when you wanted to ship with me with sparky i was so ready to find some way to get it to work, even when sparky is a decepticon and roddy is an autobot through and through. and now we have this ship that is just wonderful and i love it so much ?? and also !! you’re such a chill friend and it’s wonderful chatting with you on discord, especially when we’re just making idle conversation, or discussing aus, or just talking about roddy and sparky in general. it’s so good and i love it and i hope that we won’t lose connection because it’s already been such an awesome time chatting with you and i don’t wanna lose that connection !! to think that we were like... afraid of each other at some point is hilarious. i mean, look at us now. we’re absolute dorks.

@twopieced / @floodspawn  ;;  crack ship buddy !!

KARA MY DUDE IDEK WHERE TO START. how did we even end up with the ship between ambi and roddy ?? how did we end up giving them a sparkling that is one of the most adorable sparklings i have ever seen in my life ??? i dunno, but i’m honestly so glad this is a thing that ended up happening. and honestly kara, i absolutely adore chatting to you on discord !! you’re an absolute delight to chat with and it’s even better because i don’t have to stay up until ungodly hours to chat with you lmao. the wonders of living in a closer timezone, am i right? but really, i hope we chat more often and we talk more about... well, anything !! i’m fine with anything ;w;

@floutingphysics / @paniicea  ;;  the one that appreciates my weird accent.

what’s up kenzie i hope you don’t mind me rambling about how i love both your brainstorm and first aid because honestly i love your portrayal for the both of them !! you characterize first aid and brainstorm so wonderfully, especially first aid ?? like. wow. i love him so much and it’s always a joy to see medic family shenanigans on the dash between you, kara and tori. it’s so wonderful to watch. and i love chatting to you !! i know i’ve been a little lacking in response but that’s because i’ve been focusing on school (or, trying to) and it’s a busy last few weeks coming up. but hey, school holidays start on the 15th december for me !! so then i can totally keep in contact better this way. and i hope we can discuss more roddy and first aid shenanigans. :D

@rustedservos  ;;  former medic buddy, currently shenanigan buddy.

i loved interacting with you over on k/o, and that definitely didn’t change when i put in all my efforts with rodimus and not my poor cherry son who is going... neglected at the moment. i love seeing your ratchet on the dash and it’s always wonderful to see interactions with other people roddy knows ?? and roddy always wants to poke at the grumpy old mech and i’ve been meaning to but WOW i’ve been lacking in poking interactions lately. it kinda makes me sad lmao. but yes, i’d also love to chat with you more ?? and i’d love to develop this weird kinda uncle-nephew relationship between these two, that’d be so awesome. ;;w;; don’t be afraid to drop into my discord and poke at me !! if i’m not asleep, i’ll be sure to reply as soon as i can !!

★  »»  ❛   TIL ALL ARE ONE.   ❜    ━━━    comrades  /  people i admire.

this is a list of people that i talk to occasionally, or not at all and have just interacted, OR i admire them from a distance and cry on the inside. yes, hello, i love each and every one of you and thank you for being awesome and being you.

@toropyga  ||  @valorsparked  ||  @iatrics  ||  @tertiaxdecima  ||  @imburninrubber  ||  @htchet  ||  @thedominantambus  ||  @martyrix  ||  @sometimes-peace  ||  @goldcased  ||  @aestui  ||  @littlearchivist  ||  @sixmillionyears  ||  @cherriiko  ||  @morethanparanoia  ||  @polaris-borealis  ||  @decepticoncoward  ||  @yourxguardian  ||  @bmblbot  ||  @forgedcold  ||  @nokusou  ||  @noblestdecepticon  ||  @mnestics  ||  @rustyhealer  ||  @lord-megatron  ||  @elitaxne  ||  @oneshallstand  ||  @screechingtires  ||  @sparkofcombination  ||  @purplexcanon  ||  @unsurpent  ||  @heightfeared  ||  @starsarescreamiing  ||  @drunkenforcefields

once again, thank you for 260+ followers !! til the next milestone !!

[xeford2020]

A Home Run for Self-Driving Vehicle Education in D.C.

By Brittany Pauley, Washington, D.C. Market Manager, Ford Autonomous Vehicles LLC

A Ford self-driving test vehicle in Washington, D.C.

In cities across America, access to transportation is important for people to move freely. Washington, D.C. is no different. Many residents across the District’s eight wards rely on public transportation to go to work, school, get food and more. Working closely with the city, Ford is focused on building a self-driving vehicle service that has the potential to improve people’s lives by providing additional access to a reliable, safe and convenient mobility service.

Outside of developing the technology, it is crucial we immerse ourselves in the communities where we will operate — not only to educate, but also to listen. Partners for Automated Vehicle Education found that 60 percent of Americans would trust automated vehicles more if they understood how the technology worked. People need to trust and find value in self-driving vehicles, and it’s up to us to educate them.

So we teamed up with the Washington Nationals Youth Baseball Academy, which is part of the nonprofit philanthropy arm of the Washington Nationals. The Youth Baseball Academy hosts a six-week summer program that focuses on baseball and healthy living, with an emphasis on STEM education. The goal is to give scholar athletes in the local community the opportunity to continue to learn, develop critical thinking skills and explore careers in STEM, so we were happy to team up.

While we had a live, immersive day planned for the scholar athletes at the Ford autonomous vehicle terminal in Ward 5, we needed to shift our plans due to COVID-19. Instead of an in-person event, we hosted a group of 50 students from fourth through eighth grade via a webcast to discuss how self-driving vehicles operate and opportunities they might take advantage of now to pursue a career in the self-driving vehicle space.

Brittany Pauley from Ford (right) and Doug Hutchinson from Argo AI speak to students about self-driving vehicles via webcast.

From our self-driving system provider Argo AI, these scholar athletes learned how the technology must mimic the most miraculous, complex creation of all time — the human body. A self-driving vehicle is designed to sense, think and move like the human body, with the structure and connectivity provided by its “skeletal nervous system” to make it all work. Most importantly, the group learned engineers have to teach the self-driving car to think and behave like a human driver, which is why our cars are on the streets of D.C. testing every day.

Excerpt from Ford’s Voluntary Safety Self-Assessment, submitted to the U.S. Department of Transportation.

We also discussed opportunities students can take advantage of now to start developing skills for a career, including joining a robotics team, taking additional math classes or an online coding class, or even taking an art or design class, since building out the interior of vehicles is important to the customer experience.

The bright minds of a future generation of engineers, mathematicians, designers and scientists were eager and excited to share their thoughts about self-driving vehicles with the Ford and Argo AI team — and we came prepared to listen. Some students went to their drawing boards to design and engineer what they would like to see in a self-driving vehicle. Must-have features included a phone charger and holder, a screen to watch TV and/or YouTube, as well as a map, a microwave and snack compartment.

The scholar athletes hit it out of the park with a clear vision for how they see self-driving vehicles impacting their own community, providing additional access to mobility to go to the doctor, restaurants or the movies, as well as getting groceries:

“When they come out in the future, they will have a huge impact on the way we live. The cars will be quick, safe and helpful. It will make our lives much easier. In my community, there is not a lot around except for houses, the metro and a park. Self-driving cars can be especially helpful for people in my neighborhood who do not have cars. Since a lot of things are far away, we can take a self-driving car. The self-driving cars can take us places like grocery stores, restaurants and entertainment spots like the movies.” — Nala M., fifth-grader.

“Self-driving cars can be safer by having less car accidents. They can help the community by delivering groceries, dropping off people at the hospital or doctor’s appointment, taking goodies to the homeless and providing a reliable service to the elderly.” — Rashaad M., fourth-grader

The group also saw the potential for a self-driving vehicle to impact their lives personally and how they and their families move around the city, including going to school:

“If I had a self-driving car, I would use it to go to different places that are not in my neighborhood. I would also use it for when my mom takes me to school. We could take the self-driving car instead of having to wait for the next train or bus. This is how and why self-driving cars will give a huge impact to us in the future and in my community once they are fully developed and released.” — Nala M., fifth-grader

The impact of COVID-19 was top of mind for these scholar athletes. They asked a lot of smart questions to see how our testing had been impacted and how we are keeping people safe. Others explained how a service like this would be helpful in a pandemic:

“You could deliver food to help people who cannot go outside due to this pandemic. For example, order various carryouts from restaurants where you put the food in the car and when it arrives, the customer can come and get it. You can also go to grocery stores.” — Caden C., sixth-grader

Some business development-minded students in the group were eager to give us tips and leave us with words of encouragement:

“This invention is great. I believe the level of technique and technology you put in the car pays off. I also think you should take into consideration expanding… to pair up with bigger companies. When your business expands, (which I know it will), you should make different model cars…Much success to the next year and many more” — Kennedy C., eighth-grader

Oh, the Places We’ll Go: Why Education Is Pivotal for Launching a Self-Driving Service

We were so impressed with the level of knowledge, engagement and feedback provided and can’t wait to see where these students go next. One of the program’s leads, Pete Harbolick, emphasized how the Nationals Youth Baseball Academy is important because it gives these scholar athletes a place they can go with all the resources to excel in school, to gain baseball and softball skills and knowledge, and to try new things that may pique their interests. “Hearing them ask when the next academy event is or say they’re sad it’s the weekend because they won’t see us for a few days really makes me feel the impact we’re having on them and in the community,” said Harbolick.

Educating and collaborating with the communities we operate in will continue to be a focus for us. With many schools moving to a virtual format this year, we encourage organizations and teachers to reach out to us and see how we could host a virtual field trip to the Ford autonomous vehicle terminal to show them more about our self-driving vehicles and service.

You can reach out to me at bpauley3@ford.com for additional information around Ford’s self-driving vehicle operations in Washington, D.C., and setting up a virtual field trip. For more information about our operations in Miami, reach out to Alex Buznego at AVMiami@ford.com and for operations in Austin, Texas, reach out to Kathleen Baireuther at AVATX@ford.com.

#1 Ford Daily | Đại lý – Showroom ủy quyền Ford Việt Nam 2019 Ford Daily là showroom, đại lý Ford lớn nhất Việt Nam: Chuyên phân phối xe ô tô FORD như: EcoSport ✅ Everest ✅ Explorer ✅ Focus ✅ Ranger… info@forddaily.com 6A Đường Trần Hưng Đạo, Phường Phạm Ngũ Lão, Quận 1, Hồ Chí Minh 711240 0901333373 https://forddaily.com/ https://forddaily.com/xe/ https://forddaily.com/dai-ly/ https://forddaily.com/bang-gia/ https://forddaily.com/tra-gop/ #forddaily #dailyfordhcm #fordshowroomhcm https://www.google.com/maps/place/Ford+Daily/@10.7693359,106.696211,15z/data=!4m5!3m4!1s0x0:0x1f188a05d927f4ff!8m2!3d10.7693359!4d106.696211

[mel-ender-eye]

I've also always been looking for someone right to talk to, especially when I don't have Lela (my cousin-sister) to talk to, we don't talk on cell phones just in emergencies or something, since she and I see each other almost every day of the week :]

I really appreciate the support and affection Caden this represents a lot to me seriously🥺💞

In fact I'm so happy I'm almost crying- lmao

You guys including you Caden, are so cute, you guys are my beloveds..💕

A question that might be a bit difficult for you, actually there are two questions..

Do you follow me just because I post dsmp/fandom stuff?

When I take a break on Tumblr, do you think my feelings aren't true and that I'm just trying to get attention?

I know this is complicated, but these are questions that I have really asked myself many times.. And I can't keep it to myself anymore, if you don't want to answer, you don't have to, but for me it's important to know the answer to these two questions...

[obligatoryblogforaudiencest-blog]

Week 7: Decoding and Interpreting Media, Fun!!

Decoding and interpreting mass media texts is something I find both fascinating and positively frustrating. I found the textbook reading to be fascinating and the online reading to be infuriating. I have always had a deep-rooted hatred for moral high-horse riding theorists who are trying to rationalize people`s viewing habits from a moral perspective. They can`t stand the idea that some people just like to see blood splattered across the screen and reprehensible monsters getting away with their villainous deeds. I do not want to see characters on television and movies that would do the exact same thing as me in a situation but rather have motivations that I can understand. In Joker (2019), Arthur Fleck kills three men on a train. I would never kill them but the movie allows me to understand why he did. They were classist, cruel and rude and them messing with Arthur pushed him to the breaking point. Arthur`s life is one of constant struggle. His every single day is an uphill battle. He is mentally handicapped, he has no friends, he gets pushed around at work, he lives in a filthy city and when he tries to make people happy, he does nothing but suffer. Seeing him kill those three men was not only satisfying because they were needlessly cruel but because it was a major step for the development of who would go on to become the titular Joker. Out of the four gratifications for Dexter that Granelli and Zenor lay out, I would say that for something like Joker, I fit into three. The Justified Vigilante gratification is something I absolutely feel with Arthur killing those three men. That`s not to say that I would murder them but given how wantonly evil they are and how needlessly they mess with Arthur and another woman on the train, it is a feeling of justice when the three of them die for what they did. Given how easily and carelessly they mess with people in a public setting, we are led to believe that they behave like this regularly. Seeing them press the buttons of the wrong person is kind of satisfying in its own sick way, because while rich, bratty people like that usually get away with doing things like this, for once we actually get to see them pay for their malevolence. The frontier justice of the situation is magnificently portrayed. The second group that I fall into with the study is that of the Psychological Puzzle. Trying to piece together why a character is the way they are is always a fascinating and engrossing venture, especially when they are so deranged as a character like Arthur Fleck or Dexter. By the time of the first murders in the movie, the film has supplied us with all the pieces of this psychological puzzle and leaves it to the audience to piece it together. The feeling of getting to assemble those pieces after the movie with friends or on your own time is one of the most impressive things a film can do. One of my favorite movies of all time is called Synecdoche, New York (2008). The movie follows a character named Caden Cotard and his misadventures through romance, family, art and most importantly, death. It is a movie rife with symbolism, strange visuals and an almost dream-like presentation that leaves the audience often wondering what parts of the movie are even real. On Caden’s journey he experiences these massive feelings of Dysmorphia. He has episodes wherein he no longer wants to be the renowned theater director Caden Cotard but rather assumes the role of a humble cleaning lady named Ellen Bascombe. As the stresses of his life and romances mount, the more he falls into the role of Ellen. The closer he comes to death, the more Caden dies, the more the phoenix that is Ellen rises from his decay. The greatest psychological puzzle I have ever experienced in a movie is with the Caden, Ellen problem. The pieces are all there; Caden’s stress, Caden’s decay, Caden’s difficulty with women, Caden’s loneliness and yet having viewed the movie over 20 times and having read countless analysis pieces, I am yet to fully assemble the psychological puzzle. The psychological puzzle is the greatest thing a piece of media can supply in my opinion. The opportunity to intelligently interact with and get into the headspace of a character is something only the finest pieces of media, in my opinion, can supply.

Deviant Escapism is wonderful too; getting to see all that our deepest passions and desires played out in a way that would never be normally acceptable. Seeing Arthur Fleck lay waste to those three men supplied deviant escapism in a way that didn’t make me leave the movie theater and want to kill people but rather it filled me with a sense of joy at the sight of seeing frontier justice delivered. Those men in real life would probably have people that care about them; relationships and passions of their own but within the context of this fictional movie, they are mere caricatures; cruel players in Arthur’s miserable play. As irredeemable assholes, seeing them blown to pieces was satisfying in a way that makes me feel bad but at the same time, so very good. My justification for not delivering that kind of malice in real life is because I know in real life those people would be real and they would have real lives and people that care about them and it would not be my right to take their lives. In the context of a movie like Joker though, the escapism is in that they aren’t real people; they are monsters for the sake of developing Arthur’s character and thus, the sense of wicked justice and imagining such a sweet release on such wretched people is a satisfying feeling.

The only group I don’t see myself in is the Gratuitous Murder camp. Violence is fun and can be very theatrical. In our day-to-day lives, we rarely see people act out in such passionate ways. To some people, this makes violence unpleasant because it puts them in a world where people do act out in that way, a world that they fear but for the less faint of heart, violence makes for a striking story beat, a powerful retaliation or act of furious passion. I think that the people discussed in the gratuitous murder group took their media a little too seriously but that’s for them.

Decoding and understanding mass media texts and the ways in which they appeal to us is positively fascinating. I can’t stand the people that try to morally justify everything and make every piece of media they view into some stupid representation of their own ridiculously prude moral compass but that’s just me.

When it comes to the way in which we read texts (dominant, negotiated, oppositional), I must say that personally I think that following a dominant position is just as stupid as following an oppositional position. Just because you can detect the hegemonic position that a text is taking, it doesn’t make you any smarter for going against it. If you simply choose to be oppositional for the sake of oppositional, then you’re as blind as somebody who just follows the message of the narrative without questioning it. I believe all of our readings should be negotiated, combed over, highly considered as much as possible. When it comes to the positions they take, if they turn out to be oppositional or hegemonic, they should not be because they are oppositional or hegemonic but rather because we negotiated and critically thought about the situation and arrived at that conclusion by the merit of our own wit – not by something so simplistic as, “they told me so.” Or “They told me so but I refuse on the basis that they told me so.” Long blog I know but now I’m done, I promise.

[winchester-writes]

St. Patrick’s by the Bottle (Part 5)

Dean x Reader

Word Count: 2,837

Warnings: angst (you should really just expect this from me lol), language, not a lot of cheating going on in this one, Daddy!Dean feels (bc that is def a warning)

Catch up on the By the Bottle Series

A/N: I hope you guys really love this part as much as I did!! Big thank you to all of you who voted on what the twins gender would be!! Feedback would be greatly appreciated!! :*

When Sam came back after the twins were born he found your apartment empty. Well, as empty as it could have been. The kitchen was still stocked with food, the liquor was gone but everything in your bedroom was gone too. Sam cursed as he pulled out his cell phone, trying to remember the last number you had and dialed it only to get a dial tone.

“Dammit!” Shutting his eyes and rubbing his temples he looked around your room one final time for any sign and that’s when he noticed the little folded note on your pillow. Opening it up it only had two words scribbled out in your hand writing along with some small wet stains he presumed were tears,

‘I’m sorry xx’

==============================================================

A little over a month later everything for Dean and Sam were going great. Dean couldn’t have been more happy with now having a son and a daughter. Lucas Caden Winchester and Sophia Rose Winchester. They were absolutely perfect and the lights in his life, they reminded him how pure and fragile life could really be. He helped out Scarlett as much as he could when he wasn’t working. He enjoyed playing with them and hearing their laughter was like music to his ears, it was something he would never tired of. Dean’s family was a miracle considering his lifestyle all those years ago this would have never been an option for him. He couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful family. Between his job, helping with the twins and spending some much needed time with Scar...Dean didn’t have the time to think about you. Now that he knew you were officially gone, there was nothing he could do. When Sam came back to the hospital had told him you had up and left, that first week he tried his hardest to find you as best he could but when you didn’t want to be found, you could disappear off the face of the earth. Cait also found out about everything between Dean and you on the way to the hospital. The talk, well it was more like she was screaming, she gave him was one he wished he wasn’t a part of. Let’s just say she ripped Dean a new asshole and she wasn’t nice about it. He never wanted to get on her bad side ever again, lesson learned with that one.

Sam on the other hand was helping Cait out with preparations for their wedding. She kept stressing herself out with all the different options, so this week he gave her the opportunity to chill out and relax while he handled some of the details. Only calling her when it was important and he needed her advice or input. The wedding was just a couple more months away, in May and things were getting hectic. Especially now that Cait was having serious baby fever with the twins now being here. She was ready to start a family and Sam wasn’t sure what to say when she brought it up the other night before going to bed. He wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted to wait until after the wedding or if he was ready to start trying now. When he didn’t answer right away, Cait wasn’t all that happy and rolled over ignoring him the rest of the night. Now he had that stress to deal with along with the wedding stress. He needed a fun weekend and he thanked God that it was St. Patrick’s day on Friday.

Meanwhile you weren’t doing so hot. You were back to where you started. Back to skeevy motel rooms, diner food you were sure wasn’t entirely edible, and bloody disgusting monster hunts. Even though this was something you promised yourself that you would never get back into, it was nice to have your mind focused on something other than Dean. Chopping off the heads of vampires gave you that satisfaction that you needed to feel again, you had to say, you did miss the adrenaline rush that hunting gave you. In this one month away from your, no longer home, you have hunted a small nest of vampires and a shapeshifter.  You kept yourself busy and never stayed in the same place longer than needed. So right now you were on your way towards what looked like a werewolf case in a small town in Ohio. While driving into town, you passed by a few bars and saw adorning their windows the specials they had going on for the weekend. You figured it wouldn’t take long to take care of this rogue werewolf and you would probably have enough time to celebrate St. Patrick’s day tomorrow night; giving you something to look forward to.

==============================================================

Dean sat on the couch watching TV as he let Sophia lay out on his chest and sleep. Every now and then he’d look down at her and smile, she had him wrapped around his finger the moment she was born. He brought his hand up to gently run his fingers across her soft baby skin on her back only stopping when he decided to pull her blanket on top of her figuring she was cold. Dean’s head tried to crane behind the couch when he heard his boy coo from back there but a smile was soon on his face again as Scarlett showed up holding Lucas in her arms. She came to sit next to Dean as he opened his arm up to her. The moment she sat down he kissed the side of her head, “I love this and I love you. We have the most perfect little family.”

“I have to agree, we made some cute kids.” She giggled as she looked down at Lucas who was now doing the same as his sister and falling asleep. “What’re we watching.”

“I honestly don’t know, I was too caught up in watching her to even care what’s on.” Dean smiled back down at Sophia and laid his hand gently on her back, placing a sweet kiss to her little head.

“She is definitely a daddy’s girl.” Scarlett said as she nuzzled into Dean some more without waking either baby.

Dean chuckled, “That she is and that one is definitely a momma’s boy. Which doesn’t surprise me considering that was me when my mom was still alive. I wish she was here to see them, she would have loved this.”

“I know you do babe but she’s watching down on us, I’m sure of it.”

“Yeah me too.” The comfortable conversation between to two was soon broken as Dean’s phone started vibrating next to him. Sam was calling. Hitting the green button he answered without hesitation. “Hey man, what’s up?”

“You wanna celebrate St. Patrick’s Day tomorrow? We could have like a cookout or something at your place or we could go to a bar and let the ladies have a night with the babies. I think Cait would like either honestly.” Sam laughed, “Anything to be around those babies of yours.”

Dean chuckled as best he could without waking Sophia, “Yeah hang on, Scar is right here let me ask her.” He set the phone face down on the couch and turned towards his wife, “Sam wants to know if we want to celebrate St. Patty’s day together? Either cookout here or the both of us go to a bar while you and Cait chill here with the kids. Either option is fine.”

“The two of you go out and have fun, I’ve been meaning to get Cait alone anyways. So the two of you drink as much as you want, just do not drive Winchester.” She pointed her finger in his face which made him smirk.

“Yes ma’am.” He brought the phone back up to his ear, “She’s fine with the both of us going out tomorrow. She said she needs to talk to Cait alone anyways.”

“What? Why?”

“Dude I don’t know, it’s girl stuff so I don’t ask. Y’all just come over whenever you get off work tomorrow.” Dean looked down at Sophia when he felt her start to wiggle around, she was waking up.

“Uh yeah okay, I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye Dean.”

“Bye Sammy.” Dean hastily set the phone down and stood up when he noticed Sophia’s face getting red and twisting into her crying face. “Shhh shhh hey it’s okay baby girl. Daddy’s here...daddy’s here.” He repeated these words as he slowly bounced her around the living room. Making Scarlett’s heart melt at the sight, they did have the most perfect little family.

==============================================================

The next night Sam and Cait arrived not long after the both of them got off work. Cait squealing as she entered the house, taking Sophia right out of Dean’s arms and snuggling her face against the baby’s. Sam couldn’t help but smile at the sight in front of him, Cait holding the baby, maybe trying for one now wouldn’t hurt anything. He’d definitely have a talk with her later on about his new decision. Dean walked up and patted Sam on the back before hugging him as Scarlett walked in holding Lucas, “Alright, you boys go have your fun. Cait and I will be perfectly content right here. We have the babies, finger foods and all the ice cream.”

Sam and Dean both laughed and agreed, soon walking out the door and settling into the impala. “Dude I saw that look on your face.” Dean smirked as he turned the car on.

“What look?” Sam feigned confusion as he put his seatbelt on.

“That look you gave Cait when you saw her holding Soph. You want a baby don’t you?” Dean didn’t go anywhere and turned towards Sam.     

Sam shrugged, “I mean it wouldn’t be so bad would it? We’re getting married in like two months, she wouldn’t be showing yet and with her bringing it up all the time...I’m just starting to like the idea of it. Ya know? Have the whole family package deal, like you.”

“That’s awesome to hear Sammy! I’m proud of you man.” Dean clapped the back of his shoulder as he made his way downtown to the bar closest to the house, just in case they had to walk. The moment they stepped out of the car and started walking towards the entrance Dean’s cell phone started ringing. He didn’t recognize the number but he felt like he still needed to answer it, old habits never die. “Uh hang on Sam, I’ll meet you inside.” Sam gave a confused expression before he noticed Dean bringing his phone up to his ear and nodded, walking inside to get a booth.

“Hello?”

“H-hey hot shot.” Your voice sounded strained on the phone but he recognized you all the same.

“Y/N? Are you okay?” Dean heard you cough and take in a shaky breath, that’s when he started to panic.

“Uh yeah...yeah I’m just p-peachy.” You took in another deep breath and started to chuckle, “Ya know, I remember hunting werewolves to be a lot easier.”

“Y/N, you’re joking me right!? You’re hunting again!? And alone!” Dean walked back to the impala and sat in the driver’s seat, he didn’t turn the engine on, he just needed somewhere private and quiet to talk.

“Well sorry that I was forced from my home you jackass! What else was I supposed to- ugh God! This fucking hurts!” You had started to cry when you moved a certain way on the toilet seat of the motel bathroom, therefore making the gash in your side burn.

“God Y/N, are you hurt bad? What happened out there?!”

“A werewolf took me by surprise and ripped me open pretty good. I’m back at the motel and I need to stitch myself up...I just...can you…”

Dean ran a hand down his face, he was becoming more worried by the second and his instincts to come find you and help you were starting to kick in; just like they used to. “Can I what sweetheart?”

“Can you just talk to me? Please? Last time I got hurt this bad you were here to help stitch it for me and...and what got me through it was your smooth voice constantly talking to me.” You got the needle ready and had your shirt off, wiping your forehead you put the phone on speaker and stood up, “Please?”

“Yeah, yeah. Sure. What do you want to talk about?” Dean ran his now sweaty hands along his jeans while his heart raced.

You poked your side with the needle and sucked in a breath before biting your lip, “Anything, just anything to ease my mind like you used to.”

Dean remembered what he used to say to you as he stitched you up, he closed his eyes and started speaking without really thinking, “You’re so strong you know that? You’re such a badass chick that can handle anything and I’m lucky that I get to know you.” He heard you cry out, knowing you had started. “You’re also incredibly beautiful, I don’t even know why I let you go in the first place. I was a dumbass and fucked up my chance to be with you forever. Now you’re hurting because of me and dammit Y/N, you don’t know how much I still love you. You’ll never know. I wish I knew where you were right now, I’d actually like to show you my kids.”

You muffled another cry as you worked your way up the gash with the sharp hooked needle, he made this look so easy when he was here doing it. “You’re almost there strong girl, you got this. If anyone can handle this it’s you, okay?” Your breathing became labored as you got closer and closer to finishing, a yelp slipping past your lips when you hit a tender spot, “Ya know sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I had married you instead, if Sophia and Lucas were ours, that’s their names by the way. I didn’t want to go with my parents names, it felt too weird. They’re perfect Y/N, absolutely perfect. They’re the only things that I have gotten right in this shit life that I have. But if I could go back in time, I would yell at myself for letting you walk out that door and I would get you back to change all of this. We would be together forever against all odds.”

“Dean…”

He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair,  “Yeah Y/N?”

“I’m done now. T-thank you for helping me.”

“Uh yeah no-no problem. Is there any way I could get you to tell me where you are?”

“No.”

“Oh. Well...go get drunk then, happy St. Pat-” Dean never got to finished what he wanted to say because you hung up the phone. Laying his head back against the seat of the impala he couldn’t believe he was back in this hole again. He thought he was perfectly safe and content now, but with this one phone call he just divulged every little desire his heart longed for. He couldn’t go through all this, not again. Sighing he got out and slammed the door shut. If there was one thing Dean Winchester was good at doing, it was getting drunk and hiding his feelings. Which is exactly what his night consisted of.   

==============================================================

You had finished stitching yourself before Dean talked about going back in time and you just there and listened. He was dragging you through all this heartache again. No matter how much you wanted him back, he was just that something out of reach that you were destined to not have. You couldn’t take talking to him anymore so you hung up and you were going to do just what he said to, you were going to get drunk. So drunk that you would hopefully forget this conversation ever happened.

As you grabbed the whiskey from the bar in your room you rolled your eyes at something Dean said, “I’d actually like to show you my kids.” Why would you want to see his children, who probably looked like him, that he had with another woman? That had heartache written all over it and you were not going to set that one up. Gently you lied down on the bed and turned on the shitty TV. Of course, there was nothing on but something good was bound to catch your eye. As you flipped through the channels the one show that actually did catch your eye was none other than Doctor Sexy M.D.

“Of fucking course! Why can’t you get out of my head godammit!” You turned the TV off and threw the remote against the wall. Opting to just drink your alcohol, curl up with the pillow and cry yourself to sleep. With the shitty life you lead, there was really not much else for you to do.

==============================================================

By the Bottle Bitches(CLOSED):  @abaddonwithyall, @alexa-turtle, @aliyla12, @anokhi07, @aprofoundbondwithdean, @arryn-nyx, @arrwow, @atc74, @ayeeitsemry, @balthazars-muse, @betterlattethennever, @bkwrm523, @blacktithe7, @boredoutofmymindstuff, @brianaistre, @bringmesomepie56, @bunny-the-lifeguard, @cass-xxo, @chaos-and-the-calm67, @charliepeaceout, @chelseypaigeake, @clarewinchester, @dancingalone21, @deanandsamsbitch, @deaninathighholster, @deanssweetcherrypie, @deanssweatheart, @ellen-reincarnated1967, @faith-in-dean, @gecko9596, @georgialouisea, @ilostmyshoe-79, @imagine-this-motherfucker, @impalaimagining, @iwantthedean, @jensen-jarpad, @jared-jensen-misha-are-lovelyy, @jerkbitchidjitassbutt, @kakdhaoan919, @katieaah045, @kittenofdoomage, @kydamyankee, @lakama15, @latinenglishfandomblog, @leatherwhiskeycoffeeplaid, @leoberosis, @living-beauty-nightmare, @love-kittykat21, @maddieburcham1, @mamapeterson, @manawhaat, @mogaruke, @moonlitskinwalker, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @mypopculturediva, @mysteriouslyme81, @nanie5, @nichelle-my-belle, @notyourtypicalpunkgirl, @one-shots-supernatural, @oriona75, @paigeinastory, @redheadedbitchester, @salvachester, @satanic-bastard, @shameless-danni, @sherrilynn67, @sdavid09, @skathan-omaha, @sleep-silent-angel, @smoothdogsgirl, @spnthebottle, @supernatural-girl97, @the-amaranthine, @therealdeanwinchester13, @thetardishasaquidditchpitch, @thing-you-do-with-that-thing,  @too-much-winchester, @voidobsession, @waiting4thedoctor, @waywardlullabies, @whatareyousearchingfordean, @winchesterenthusiast, @writingbeautifulmen, @wrong-universe, @xoxoaudreymarie, @xtina2191

[thrill-cfthechase]

cadenlucca​:

“ WHAT’S IT CALLED AGAIN ? “   he’s already forgotten why they’re talking about this, so caden doesn’t know why she’s acting like it’d be a bad idea. the question about ghosts is a nice distraction though, causing him to snort.   “ well i don’t know any personally, “   caden flashes her a wry grin, because yes, he thinks he’s hilarious. then he shrugs.   “ i don’t know, i’m down for any kinda horror movie. “   it’s certainly for the best that she’s moved the conversation to movies, because in a blink of an eye, caden has nearly forgotten what he had almost admitted to her to begin with. almost.

when caden smiles back at her it’s sheepish, giving a little shrug as if to say it is what it is.  she’s not saying it in a judgmental way, which he feels like sometimes people who have grew up with far less money than him can come off, and he appreciates it. it’s not like his privilege is something he has any control over, but it is why he feels the need to help her so badly — on top of genuinely caring about her.   “ it’s something my friends do,”   he can’t help but crack a grin, trying to make light of the entire situation, for her sake. no friend of his has ever given him sixty grand, but no friend has ever had to, to be fair. but  during the time caden had been cut off from his parents and refused to crawl back home right away, it had been his friends from all over the country who had opened their homes to him, letting him crash for as long as possible. most of the time had been spent in new york city, living on the couch of a buddy in downtown manhattan, an experience caden probably wouldn’t have ever had otherwise. where he comes from, friends are most important than family, the support system you choose yourself and can lean on when needed. he wants to be that for elliot, especially when helping her would come so EASY to him. it’s probably not fair how easy it is, but this is at least something he can control. his mouth is already opening to defend himself, so when she concedes with an apologetic smile, caden can only laugh.   “ trust me, i know you can take care of yourself. “   every story she had told him about her past is a testament to that.   “ but that doesn’t mean you should always have to. “   hypocritical coming from him of all people, but he’s too drink to overthink the situation. it’s probably for the best.   “ okay. “   all he was looking for was that she’d think about it, because he knows that’s the best they’re going to get tonight. lips press together when she says she’s not a crier, having to hold him back from saying something sarcastic about him never realizing. she acts like she’s hard to read, really — or maybe it’s just easier for him than most. it’s hard to ignore their similarities sometimes.

he doesn’t actually expect her to take him up on his offer to talk about his own dad, so when she does all caden can do is laugh for a few seconds. caden can’t say he blames her for wanting the attention off herself.   “ alright, let’s see. ”   he rubs his jaw, thinking.   “ well, i’m pretty sure i haven’t seen him for one of my birthdays since i was fourteen. — yeah, it was fourteen. i remember because it was the summer before going into high school. i was already pretty pissed at him, because i had gone to a really shitty middle school. like, i really hated it, you know ?   and the entire first year of being there i kept calling my parents, begging for them to let me go somewhere else — it was a boarding school, ”   he feels the need to add,   “ but eventually they just stopped answering my calls, and whatever. we had agreed that if i stayed there for middle school, i’d get to pick where i went to high school. which didn’t happen, of course, and they told me like two weeks before my birthday, so i wasn’t happy. but whatever, not the point. “   where was he going with this ?   oh yeah.   “ so, my fourteenth birthday. so i just wanted to go away for it, somewhere with roller coasters and that i could impress all my friends, or whatever fourteen years olds like. but instead he insisted on having a party at the house, but he promised he’d let me invite whoever i wanted, he’d get good entertainment, blahblah. “   his mouth is moving faster than his brain can deal with, eventually pausing to take a breath of air.   “ sorry, this probably sounds like a bad story, “   caden glances down at her,   “ but i’m going somewhere with it, i promise. “   unconfirmed.

“i know what you did last summer. it’s bad but, like, in a good way, you know?” she was big fan of good bad movies. “hilarious,” she replied, rolling her eyes. “actually, i did see a ghost once, but it was probably just my eyes playing tricks on me.” elliot was pretty sure ghosts weren’t real (sorry gilly) but had seen way too many horror movies to be sure. “well, we should watch one. insidious, maybe. or paranormal activity. that one’s more demons than ghosts, but still.”  let the record show that i spent the last fifteen minutes reading horror movie synopses on wikipedia and i’m now genuinely terrified. 

“sure it is,” elliot replied, the hint of a smile on her face. she was pretty sure this wasn’t a typical thing for his friends to do - if they were all as rich as he was, there would be no point. still, she felt lucky that they were friends, and she was starting to feel less horrible. the fact that her being a bit of an ass made caden laugh was a relief to elliot, and she was also glad to hear that he knew she could take care of herself. it was something most people could guess about her based on even the briefest of conversations, but for a moment she worried that seeing her cry would make him stop believing that. “i guess not,” she shrugged. she’d been taking care of herself for so long that it was hard for her to give up some of that control, even when she wanted to. “okay,” she echoed. elliot was afraid to talk to her brothers about it. she wasn’t sure what they would think, or if they would be suspicious. there were a lot of aspects of her life that she kept hidden from them, and having a friend with that much money didn’t really fit into the picture she had painted for them. and she was afraid that they would tell her how amazing this was and that they had to do it, which would mean asking caden for help. it didn’t matter that he’d already offered, asking was still going to be hard.

elliot listened closely as he spoke. sometimes she felt like he knew her much better than she knew him, and she wanted that to change. she knew she wasn’t exactly the type of person people usually confided in, but she liked to think that she was trustworthy, at least towards her friends, and wanted to be able to be there for people. she didn’t have good experiences with dads and birthdays, so this felt like something she could relate to. she couldn’t relate to fancy boarding schools, but she had hated public school and she thought they probably had a lot of overlap in terms of the shitty parts. “i think i know. middle school sucked ass.” maybe it just sucked to be thirteen, but nothing about middle school had been positive. being ignored by her dad was hard for elliot when they were living together in a small mobile home, she could only imagine how much easier it would have been for her dad to ignore her if he had shipped her off, and the thought made her sad. she didn’t like to think about people she cared about being mistreated. “i still like roller coasters,” she admitted, trying to lighten the mood more than anything else. she sort of felt like she was missing something, but maybe she’d just never heard caden speak that quickly. “no, it’s not a bad story. well, maybe it is a bad story, but i won’t know until you tell me the whole thing.”

[thinkingspace]

Literally nobody humbles you more than your younger siblings, my little brother has said the meanest shit to me but it was always lowkey true and funny??? At powwows he’d be like “you dance like this” and make fun of how I danced, or “you can’t fit my clothes because you’re so chubby. But not me. I’m not chubby, I’m skinny.” And we’d always like argue and laugh making fun of each other. But this one time, he was like, “go like this” and made me make a fist and was like, “geez, your knuckles are big. Why is your middle knuckle so big? You got a fat knuckle.” And he was like, 7-8? Now every time I look at my hands, not only are they more wrinkly since I lost weight but I always remember I have a fat knuckle and it really humbled me. Especially on days I think I’m All That, I remember and miss him. He’s gonna be a high schooler this year but sometimes I miss when we were chasing each other around the house each summer, goofing off, racing each other when we’d go to a powwow, him ‘checking in’ with me at powwows, we travelled a lot with our grandparents, just the four of us. Hotels, the camper, staying over, watching movies and me buying him stuff. I swear, he’s like the funniest little brother I could ask for and I’m grateful we were always so close, not a lot of people get to be close with their little brothers. He’s the only one I’d let make fun of me, the way I dance, he made me laugh a whole lot, him and his dog after my first breakup, I didn’t wanna be home so I stayed with him for a few weeks, I took care of him as a baby, he’d cry when I’d leave for elementary and now he’s like, not in Pendleton anymore and is a grown up city guy, haven’t been to Pendleton since he left but we had a few last Pendleton adventures like when we got my purse stuck on top of the longhouse and had to get it down somehow because it had my keys and phone and everything in there because we were goofing off and swinging it around in the parking lot? This was supposed to be about him making fun of me but I just realized how much I miss my little brother. At my grandpas services I made him cry because Caden was the only one I really wanted to hug? I just remember all the adventures we had each summer, all the Mariners games we went to together, the times we got in trouble together or got hurt, the powwows we’d win at, the Round-Ups, the times I was grateful to be stuck babysitting him, the messes we made, the places we lived, it was like, so sad because it would never be the four of us again? The four of us on all our trips, I wasn’t 16-17 anymore, he wasn’t a little kid anymore, since that day, I knew we had a lot of growing up to do. I just wish I would’ve talked to him more about how I felt, sad, confused, angry, everything was over quick and I felt alone again, wishing we could be somewhere together again, that I’d be giving Caden $5 again at a powwow or buying him a sweater, that Papa would be here to make us laugh again, yell at us, talk to us. Thinking about my little brother living in the city now, having his own adventures, I wish I had him around more to make fun of me, make me laugh, we couldn’t be around for each other during the biggest change of our lives.

[blackrosesfanfic]

Chapter 242

Sevyn

I can't be changing already when I just found out I was pregnant yesterday. Well... I already figured it a week ago because my breast were sore and my back was hurting like my period had started but nothing came. So I knew. Whatever. I can't tell anyone my mood because everyone is so bitchy or sensitive. And maybe it's nothing.

"Girl, I had to go in the mirror and look at myself. It felt like my whole body was on fire. I looked down and all I could see was red."

"Bitch cause you brownish red ass light skin."

Alex ignores my statement. "I need someone to go through this with me. Can you be my friend?"

I stare at her. "That sounds weak."

"I know!" She yells stomping her feet. "I've felt like shit for weeks but I blamed every fucking thing in the world but being pregnant. Now that I know I'm pregnant it's like of fucking course. Now I suddenly have all this pregnant lady shit going on. Just fire everywhere."

"Maybe you should go fuck."

I look around at Chris then at Alex waiting for her to blow up about that. She spins around looking at her.

"I was told by your fucking butt buddy to be nice to you so he can play ball. But I'm not listening you little monkey faced fuck up."

"What does anything have to do with playing ball?" Chris scrunched up his face then he relaxes it. He chuckles. "If you had anything to do with Jamal being here then he would have been got kicked out. Come find me when this Haifa leave out of here."

Alex puts her hands on her hips looking at me. "Does being horny feel like you burning?"

I shrug. "Go ask a pregnant lady. I don't know. I haven't been pregnant as long as you."

"How are you gonna be my friend?"

"Don't any of your friends have kids?"

"No. I have two friends and they pushing it."

I roll my eyes. "Well you not gonna get nothing from this bitchy friend. Go fuck your baby daddy then come back and tell me if it helped."

She blows. "How do you do that?"

"Fuck?" I snap.

"Start sex without looking desperate?"

I make my eyes big. "Alex?"

"Yes."

"Girl, go kiss him on the cheek and walk away. You don't have to do shit."

She was being so fucking serious. I hate how fucking stuck up she is. Like bitch wanting sex makes you fucking desperate? Well then gotdamn everybody desperate. I stand up walking behind her out of the room. I wanted to see what she actually does. Jamal, Chris, and Marco were standing around a tablet or something.

"You serious about only playing soccer." Chris says in disbelief.

"It's what I know." Marco nods.

Alex walks up to Jamal and instantly gets everyone's attention. Like everyone. I fold my arms. She not that damn sexy. Why the hell they all interested? Marco was the first to look away. I mean it was only a few seconds but anyway. Chris looks back at the tablet then he looks at me. I fold my arms. Alex doesn't say nothing or kiss Jamal she just walks away from him to me. She giggles once she gets to me.

"I am not a fucking affectionate person."

"Bae." I say giggling.

She shrugs. "But I'm not."

"Bae." I say grabbing her shoulders and shaking her. "You got this though."

She starts today something. Jamal comes up.

"You okay?" He asks. "Need a coffee?"

"A coffee?" I chuckle.

Alex is funny. "What I need a damn coffee for?"

"The flight home tonight?" He suggests.

"Oh." She rolls her eyes. "No."

Jamal kisses her ear. "What then?"

Damn do me and Chris got a thing like this? They fucking hot without saying anything. I mean I know he isn't Chris. Definitely more chill and Denzel Washington type of arrogant. Subtle but apparent. Alex looks at him but doesn't say anything. She starts laughing.

"I can't." She says putting her hand in his face. "Jamal move your gay ass."

"You can't?" I snap. I walk away. "I can't with you."

"I'm going to find a new pregnant friend. You not helpful. Trying to have me out there looking like a desperate tramp."

"How when he your man?" I yell. "Don't follow me."

She laughs. "I have fucking problems. What is wrong with me?"

I push her back out the bedroom. "Go. Get out of here. Leave me to being shitty."

"I need inspiration." She continues badgering me.

"Alex! Fucking die."

She steps back into the hall. "Jamal come here. I want to try something and I have to use you for it."

"You like a fucking dominant ass bitch." I say slamming the door.

"Amber!"

I open the door for MiMi. "Second baby mama?"

"Get your baby then." She says handing me MiMi. "Don't give her to April."

"Why you put me in the fucking hot seat?" I say taking Minnie to the bed. "Hi, Angel. You are such a heartbreaker. Do you know that?"

She was sleeping really hard not caring what I was saying. She is a very sweet baby. She doesn't care who is holding her as long as she is being held. They are always holding her. She rarely touches the bed while sleep. Chris walks into the room. He kisses my back then he notices Minnie and takes her from me. He gets up walking out onto the balcony.

"Where is the baby?"

"Huh?" I look up at MiMi.

She puts her hands on her hip. "I told you not to give her to anyone."

"You said April. Chris has her. Outside."

"It's raining outside." MiMi snaps.

I look up. "You should have said no one no one. Like especially not Chris. You should have been more clear."

"I have her." April says.

MiMi spins around. "April. Whatever."

"What's the big deal?"

"She is my baby. That's the big deal. You just wait bitch. Wait till you only see your baby when it's feeding time." MiMi says storming out. "April?"

I chuckle. "My baby."

"I'm outside chilling with Sweetie Pie and April brings her ass out there talking about a bad diaper. I'm like okay then I get her back. April walks away laughing. She wasn't even stank."

"Won't they go get Caden?"

"Ha?" Chris says. "And do what? He cries. He doesn't sleep in anyone's arms for too long. Trey or Cammie maybe but they don't have him most times. He likes to sleep cold. Not cuddled."

I smile. "Well our baby..."

"Yeah." Chris cheeses.

"Hopefully our baby likes to be cuddled. I like cuddling."

"Not with me." Chris says getting on the bed.

I nod pushing him away. "You right. Not with you."

He chuckles. "I thought that Alex was directing her bullshit to only me. Jamal is a bitch. The shit she does to him is fucking degrading but he says he don't mind. She disrespectful. Look at this text I got."

"From Jamal?"

"Joyce." He says showing me something else.

I smack the phone. "Talking to Karrueche?"

He chuckles a bit. "I'm a dumbass right?"

"Yes, Christopher."

"We were talking about..."

I wanted to slap his brains out. "I don't care the conversation. I know the connection."

"Sorry." He says showing me his phone. "For real though. Look what Joyce sent."

I get up and walk out uninterested.

 Trey

Cammie walks out of the bathroom. "I really wanna go home."

"Baby." I say looking up from my suitcase.

"What do you have to say?" She snaps.

I shake my head. "Nothing, Mama. What is the matter?"

"Don't talk to me like I'm a child."

"Jayla, Baby." I say confused as fuck.

I shouldn't have opened up this shit. I should have been stronger and not caused any of these problems. I walk over to her. She had laid on the bed next to Lane and Caden. They were still sleep and I'm fucking relieved about that. They aren't feeling good and it shows. We shouldn't have them around these other kids. But whatever. Nobody cares.

"Jayla?"

"What Tremaine?" She cries.

I sit next to her head. "Come here, Jay. I got you."

She lays her head on my lap crying. I don't know what's wrong with her. I don't want to ask after all that has been going on. I just rub her back in silence. I love this women. Her pain is my pain. I know my pain is hers. She is so sweet like that. She loves hard. I rub down to her ass. I think she had fall asleep. It was quiet for a while until Caden popped his head up. He looks at Lane who was close to him but not on him anymore. He lies his head back down. I close my eyes.

"Stop!" Lane yells.

I look at them. Caden was laying there and Lane was now turned to me. Suddenly Caden pushes his body up and grabs Lane's face. Lane back slaps him knocking him to the bed. Caden flips over on his back and starts kicking. What the hell? Like I never seen him do any kind of extra moving. Lane jumps up and slaps the shit out of Caden. They both start screaming. Maybe I should have done something.

"What the hell is wrong with y'all?" Cammie snaps out of her sleep. She looks at them.

"Taden did it." Lane snaps moving away from Caden who had started to kick him again.

Cammie snatches Lane away from Caden more then flips Caden over on his stomach. Caden screams as if she popped him. Lane crawls off the bed screaming as well. Of course by now they successfully alerted someone. It's Gwen. She peeks her head in the door.

"Everything okay?"

"No." Lane cries then starts babbling.

She instantly runs to his rescue. "I got you, Baby. Come on. It's okay. We are okay."

"What the hell?" Cammie says looking at me. "What the fuck just happened?"

"Maybe I should have stopped them. Caden slapped Lane. I don't even know actually."

Caden rolls back over looking at Cammie. He drops his head pouting like he was hurt. She moves away from me grabbing him. I don't know what is wrong with these boys. They are fucking bad.

"Shut the hell up. Your gotdamn daddy right there." Rollie says putting Lane down. "What is wrong with your kids?"

"I don't know." Cammie snaps cradling Caden.

Lane crawls into my lap. "This bullshit."

Cammie rolls her eyes. "Fuck it."

"Two year old knows what bullshit is." Rollie says shutting the door.

"You okay, Baby?" Cammie asks Lane. She touches his cheek. "Hmm? You okay, Daddy?"

Lane whines then dramatically says no. Cammie leans over kissing Lane all over his face. In all the kissing she forgets about Caden now being close to Lane but Caden simply grabs Lane's shirt. Lane freaks out trying to get Caden off him.

"No." Cammie snaps. "Stop it right now. You kiss your brother. You do not fight him. Caden."

"No fighting." Lane snaps.

Cammie puts Caden close to Lane. Lane was looking at him like try me bitch. Caden grabs Lane again hugging him close to him. He holds him but not kiss him. Gotdamn bad ass kids.

"What happened?" April asks walking in with Minnie.

"Maybe you would know if you spent time with your grandkids." Cammie says.

"Lane what's wrong with my baby?"

"Caden baby?" Lane pouts.

April smiles. "No. Lane is my baby. What's wrong?"

"Caden hit me my face." Lane says teary eyed.

"Did he?"

I nod. "He attacked him."

"Awh Mommy's baby. Want to come with me?"

"No." Lane says getting Caden off him and hugging me.

April smiles. "Your mama..."

Cammie giggles. "You, April."

"You and your husband spawning up spiteful love babies."

"Bye." Cammie says putting Caden to her breast.

"Caden!" April says. Caden turns his head smiling at April. "Wanna come with Mama? Huh, Caden?"

Caden smiles but as soon as April starts walking to him he turns back to Cammie's nipple like hold up grandma. She snickers then leaves out. I rock Lane who was falling back to sleep. I close my eyes too. Lane not trying to deal with nobody bullshit. He not feeling good and Caden fucking with him. I chuckle rubbing Cammie's thigh. Her fine ass. I open my eyes looking at her. She was humming to Caden trying to calm him down. He was moving his legs and rolling his hands on her chest. She cuts her eyes at me. I close my eyes.

[fullspectrum-cbd-oil]

Between Gun Massacres, a Routine, Deadly Seven Days of U.S. Shootings

A boy accidentally killed by his father during a fishing trip in Montana. A woman dead and her husband behind bars after a single gunshot in a Dallas hotel room. A teenager cut down on his porch on a warm day in Washington state.

During the week bookended by mass shootings in Gilroy, California; El Paso, Texas; and Dayton, Ohio, in which gunmen killed 34 people, hundreds of others were shot to death across 47 U.S. states, according to the Gun Violence Archive, a nonprofit group that uses local news and police reports to track gun incidents.

The deaths were the sort of everyday murders, suicides and accidents that may not grab the headlines of mass shootings, but in many ways show the true toll of the gun violence endemic to the United States.

More than 36,000 people are shot to death every year on average in America, according to U.S. government data compiled by the gun-control advocacy group Everytown for Gun Safety. That works out to about 100 a day, or one every 14-1/2 minutes. Suicides account for more than 60 percent of those deaths. Slightly more than a third are homicides.

Here are some of the victims of deadly shootings during the week between the attack in Gilroy and the attack in Dayton:

SUNDAY, JULY 28

Soon after a gunman opened fire at the Gilroy Garlic Festival, Steven Parsons was sitting in a parked car with two other people 1,500 miles away in an alley in Kansas City, Missouri.

The 27-year-old died there along with another man, Montae Robinson, shot by a gunman who is still at large, police said. The third person in the car is being sought by police for questioning but is not a suspect.

“I have a wedding dress in my closet that I will never wear,” Marissa Tantillo said during Parsons’ funeral service on Wednesday evening at a chapel in Blue Springs, near Kansas City.

They had two daughters together and planned to marry in a few months. She urged mourners never to take their loved ones for granted. “All I want you to do is hold your husband a little closer, hold your wife a little tighter,” she said.

Tantillo recalled a romance that began when she and Parsons were barely teenagers.

“So many of us don’t believe in love anymore,” Tantillo told the gathering. “In Steven I knew I found my soul mate.”

Parsons had a sense of adventure as a boy, his father, Steve Parsons, said at the service. “We’d be cruising along in the old white van and he’d say, ‘What’s that way?’ and so we’d turn and go that way,” Parsons said.

People should remember the years his son lived, not the day he died, he said. “Do not let the last day destroy all the good days you had with him.”

MONDAY, JULY 29

Guests at the Hotel ZaZa in Dallas heard a commotion and screams from the room where Jacqueline Rose Parguian and her husband, Peter Nicholas, were staying on Monday night.

When hotel security staff knocked on the door, no one answered. Paramedics, responding to a 911 call about a woman loudly in distress and a report of a possible drug overdose, listened to the commotion outside as they waited for police to arrive, per department rules. A noisy hour passed. A gunshot rang out. The arguing stopped. Parguian was dead.

“Jackie had a passion for beauty,” an obituary published by Parguian’s family said. She pursued a degree in cosmetology and graduated from a Dallas beauty school in 2016.

She loved ’90s pop music, especially the boy band NSYNC, and collected concert tickets in a box of memories. One of six children, she was known for checking in frequently with her younger siblings.

She was 32. Her sons are 2 and 8.

“How do we explain to those little angels that their parents are both not going to be there anymore, ya know?” Parguian’s mother said in an interview. Friends and relatives had soon pledged more than $25,000 in donations to a GoFundMe fundraiser in support of the boys’ uncertain future.

When their father, known to some Dallas music fans as DJ Pete Mash, opened the hotel room door on Monday night to police, he had blood on him and an extension cord wrapped around his neck, according to the Dallas Police Department.

Police said he seemed high on drugs and that they had to subdue him with a stun gun after he began screaming and fighting. They found a handgun in a backpack in the room near Parguian’s body.

Explaining the delayed response, police later said officers were responding to higher-priority calls that night before reports of a gunshot came through.

Nicholas, 30, was arrested and charged with his wife’s murder. He was later released on a $250,000 bond. An attorney for Nicholas did not respond to a request for comment.

“Peter is a nice young man,” Parguian’s mother, Tess Parguian, told a local ABC television affiliate. “He’s very polite, and that’s why I cannot believe he could do such a thing.”

TUESDAY, JULY 30

It was a warm day in Tacoma, Washington, and Jamone Pratt was out on a friend’s front porch when he was shot in the head. Witnesses told police they saw at least two cars speeding away. Pratt was 16 years old.

Police have made no arrests. Jamone’s mother, Kyndal Pierce, has filled her Facebook page with anguished posts, saying she’s finding it hard to go on without her eldest son, a “tall and skinny” kid the family called Junior and who was inseparable from his sister.

“He made some bad choices, you know, got involved with the wrong people,” Pierce said in an interview with a local news channel. “I don’t know what happened, but I know my baby didn’t deserve this.”

A schoolmate of Jamone’s who makes music under the name KiingCalebb recorded a rap tribute to his friend called “MonesWrld.” The lyrics include oblique references to gang rivalries.

“Thought you were going to make it to 18,” the lyrics went. “All you wanted were your dreams / but now you fly high.”

WEDNESDAY, JULY 31

Growing up in the Miami area as a black transgender woman, Kiki Fantroy faced a lot of bullying – but that never altered her natural inclination to trust and forgive other people, her mother said.

Fantroy, 21, was shot several times early in the morning after leaving a house party, becoming the 13th black transgender woman killed in the United States this year, activists say.

The killing prompted several events in her memory, including a “Take Back the Night” event held by a local transgender women’s group and a candlelight vigil.

In an interview, Fantroy’s mother, Rhonda Comer, switched back and forth between using her daughter’s preferred name, Kiki, and her birth name, Marquis, and between masculine and feminine pronouns.

Comer said she supported Fantroy’s decision to begin transitioning as a teenager.

Fantroy always had a flair for fashion, Comer said.

“He would make clothes, he would tell me what to wear, what he wanted to wear, and he would always put his twist on things,” said Comer, 44. “Kiki could take a shirt and a skirt and make it a whole different outfit; you can’t ask me her favorite color because, honey, she wore it all.”

Fantroy loved and trusted people implicitly, Comer said, a trait that sometimes worried her – especially after Fantroy was sexually assaulted and “dumped in a tomato field” at age 16 by someone she had met online.

Fantroy had just left a house party with a friend, another transgender woman, and Comer said she was convinced they were deliberately targeted. Police in Miami-Dade County have declined to call the shooting a hate crime.

Police later arrested a 17-year-old boy and charged him with murder after a witness picked him out of a lineup.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 1

Caden Lacunza, 11, had finished cleaning one fish and was just starting on the second one he had caught near Crow Creek Falls in rural Montana when he was shot in the head.

His father, Cadet, dropped the .357 revolver he had just fired, sprinted toward his fallen son and began yelling for his wife.

Hours later, he was under arrest for negligent homicide.

The details of the incident, laid out in a Broadwater County Sheriff’s Office report, indicate Cadet Lacunza didn’t intend any harm when he shot off a round in the direction of the river.

He had seen his family, including his wife, his son and his daughter, near the campfire, and decided to shoot his pistol, according to the report. While he was retrieving the gun from his pickup truck, however, Caden made his way to the river to clean the fish he had snared.

Lacunza’s lawyer, Greg Beebe, said his client was innocent of any criminal wrongdoing.

“This was just a tragic accident, and not a negligent homicide,” Beebe said. “At the center of this, we have a family who’s been devastated.”

Lacunza’s wife, Victoria, told Reuters in a Facebook message that the shooting was an accident but declined to comment further.

At the scene, officers retrieved Lacunza’s revolver, the cylinder still loaded except for a single spent round. In the river, about 10 feet from where Caden collapsed, they found a cleaned fish; the other fish was on the ground where the boy had dropped it, a small cut in its belly and a knife lying nearby.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 2

Deante Strickland came running out of his grandparents’ house in Portland, Oregon, in mid-afternoon, bleeding from the chest.

“I don’t want to die,” he said, according to a construction worker who was at a site nearby. “My sister shot me.”

Strickland, 22, died near his home despite efforts to save his life. His sister, Tamena Strickland, has been charged with his murder, as well as with wounding her grandmother and aunt.

Authorities have not offered a motive for the shooting. Tamena Strickland’s defense lawyer, Robert Crow, said it was still too early to know exactly what had happened.

“Everybody is of the belief that this isn’t who Tamena is,” he said, adding that many family members attended her initial court appearance on Monday in support of both her and her brother. Tamena Strickland has not entered a plea and remains in custody in the Multnomah County Detention Center.

Crow said neither sibling had a criminal record, and there was no outward sign of any dispute between them.

“That’s part of what makes it such a mystery to people,” he said.

Strickland was a standout basketball and football player in high school. He spent two years at a junior college in Wyoming before transferring to his hometown school Portland State University, where he played on the basketball team.

He was entering graduate school at PSU in the fall and planned to play for the football team.

Friends and teammates flooded social media with remembrances of “Strick,” praising his devotion to Portland, his near-permanent smile and his love for basketball.

In a video he filmed shortly before graduation this year, Strickland said, “My advice to you: Don’t take the time for granted. It goes by fast, so try to enjoy every moment.”

SATURDAY, AUGUST 3

It was a cheerful summer Saturday afternoon in Denise Wimberly’s house in Chicago’s Englewood neighborhood.

As music filled her home, the 61-year-old mother of four relaxed on her couch with her niece as her son Calvin Seay got ready for an afternoon basketball game.

“He came back in the house to lay his clothes out because he was a neat freak,” she said. “Then he left to go down the street to show the neighbors the phone he just got.”

Moments after the 23-year-old left, police officers responded to an alert from the department’s gunshot-detection system.

They found Seay, a father of one, lying on the sidewalk steps from his home. He had been shot once in the head and once in the chest.

“My other son ran down the street, saying Calvin got shot,” Wimberly said. She jumped up and threw down her cigarette. “I almost set my couch on fire.”

“He was my baby,” she said. “They need to stop the shooting, because they are shooting people that they don’t need to be.” No suspects have been arrested.

Seay’s slaying was part of a bloody weekend in Chicago in which seven people were killed and at least 45 others were wounded, including a 5-year-old boy.

“What will it take for people to become sick and tired at the level of gun violence in this country?” Chicago Superintendent of Police Eddie Johnson asked at a news conference.

Seay, whose daughter turned 6 last week, loved to draw and play basketball and had just gotten a job with the Chicago Park District, where he was working with children at a summer camp.

“He was no person to go hang out on the street. He wasn’t like that at all,” Wimberly said. “He said that since he got the job, he was going to send me on vacation. That’s how he was.”

Less than 12 hours after Seay’s death, a gunman opened fire on the street in downtown Dayton, killing nine people.

Another week of gun violence in America was drawing to an end.

(Additional reporting and writing by Kevin Murphy in Kansas City, Zachary Fagenson in Miami and Brendan O’Brien in Chicago; Editing by Paul Thomasch and Kari Howard)

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