#(me being just normally insane instead of period hormones insane) | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

orphancookie69 · 2 years ago

Text

My Infertility Journey: Part 4

Yeah, future me needs to go in the past and tell past me to not be crazy. Well, they have not arrived yet-part four starts. The sooner I get in the drivers seat the sooner I park my car in the winners circle I hope....Just hopping on late? Here is Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

August 2022:

A week after the ERA comes a cycle. This is highly unusual as it does not normally come that soon. Second half of the month is the start of round 4. Initial ultrasound and bloodwork scheduled to see if the body is on the starting line. Now let’s talk about the definition of insanity, it is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Based on the ERA, I am perfectly fine and we have been doing this with proper timing-so initially they said we are going to move forward with no changes. At consultation, they mentioned adding Intralipids-IV injected twice during the process. I am open to this idea, more than the anti-coagulants, because I think my body can only handle so many injections. I only have two more embryos at this point, and while I want to make sure they have the best odds of sucess-there are physical limitations of being...ya know...human?

The results from the blood work came back, my hormones were too high. So they are having me wait and we will reassess on next cycle. I am happy that this news came from the doctor, I felt like it was better to wait and give the body a break. But for some reason, it felt like it would not have as much credence as it does coming from the doctor backed by ��data”. I am looking forward to my break and plan on getting a family trip to Havasu in before my next cycle. PARTAY! No but otherwise this is a great time to hunker down and see if I can’t get some good training in for game day. Using muscle stims, heat, massage, and exercise to promote healing of the area. Maintaining diet and exercise to see if I can’t lose anymore weight before then.

September 2022:

Have I ever mentioned how much of this process is PLAYING THE WAITING GAME? But waiting has its own perks. So far just waiting for a cycle to come, estimated to come around the middle of the month according to P Tracker, and see if hormone levels are good enough to move forward. Also, I am (heavily) playing with the idea of implanting two instead of just one. My own doctor says the odds are better with just one, but I have heard a lot of other doctors/patients have success with 2. Part of me really likes the idea of implanting both and having this be the last round, for better or for worse. We will see what the doctor says.

So my body decided to get stuck in “period limbo” this cycle. I get all the feels but none of the results. Doctor did a “wellness check” on me and decided to reset my cycle with a week’s worth of Birth Control. Then we are going to move on the next cycle. I picked up my prescription and then took them, one a day, for a week. My doctor puts me on Enskyce, and man I usually get all of the side effects: migraines, nausea, and lack of energy.

October 2022:

Body goes into cycle and then on Cycle Day 5, we went in for an appointment. Ultrasound and bloodwork looked good, we updated my thyroid panel as well. Now starts injections and the new element this time-intralipids. They are to be done at a third party facility, Oso Home Care in Irvine, in week 4 (before transfer) and after transfer. I am (attempting) to schedule an appointment with Oso Home Care after my next Ultrasound/Bloodwork appointment with Fertility Care in Brea. Ya know the one appointment(s) before implant. It is kind of crazy how much happens in a month.

Drugs: EV (Estradiol Valerate), Dex (Dexamethasone), P4 (Progesterone), hCG, Valium, Doxy (Doxycycline Hyclate), Medrol (methylprednisolone),

Vitamins: Baby Aspirin, Prenatal vitamins (NAC, Prenatal, Omega 3, L Arginine, Coq10, Myo Inositol, D3)

Suggestions: Keto diet/Fasting, Exercise, Proper Injection Guidelines.

Price: $5,000+ (Fertility Care), $100+ (MDR Pharmacy), $550 (Oso Home Care),

Here are some Injection Guidelines:

Before: Ice the area

During: Inject the right area, Massage it after

After: Walk it off a bit, Use a heating pad

In Between: Arnica, Massaging to promote healing

Check: Infection (red, raised/bumpy, burning, itchy)

Note: Injections are intramuscular, and depending on the injection, there are only so many spots you can inject. Just because there are other muscles, does not mean you can use them even if your areas are “out of commission”. You just gotta keep them in commission!

The phone tag that was had was fun by all? Honestly as much as this is not my first rodeo and this should not worry me, the intralipids worry me a bit. Really the scheduling process being the slowest thing ever doesn’t help anything either. Be careful when doing research too, it is not always as helpful as you would think to know what you are signing up for. Also, the slow time between the first and second appointment where there is only an injection every 3 days is lovely. So I barely got my appointment for the intralipid place, if I did not call, that might not have happened. Then went in for the next ultrasound, the last one before implant. Ultrasound was good and blood work was TBD.

This starts the next phase of the process. From here we add 4 hCG shots, add 2 times a day of p4, and continue with EV every 3 days. Also, for the hCG...the first injection has to be in the back area, but the smaller ones can go in the stomach to give the back a bit of a break. Round one of the Intralipids happens. The dexamethasone comes off the schedule just before implant-a couple of meds get added for a couple days around implant. Implant happens, this time it will be a boy (currently between the names Roland and Kai). After implant it is suggested for up to 3 days of rest. Then we move into November (after playing the waiting game) to confirm the pregnancy.

Oso Home Care...Intralipids: Its a cute little place in Irvine. Kind of disorganized and busy but it would seem a lot people go to a facility like this. I got there early. I spent 2.5 hours in the chair. Yeah, kind of a long time. The gals that work there are sweet, but I don’t like how they had to prick both my arms to get it to work. I felt strange after? I am not sure how I was supposed to feel. Based on when I left and where home is, it took an hour to get home. But I hope in the future that since I am already in the system that booking is easier, and I kind of have a better idea of what to expect. Dress comfortable, don’t bring a book.

Ovation Fertility...Implant: I always forget COVID never stopped being a reality for hospital establishments. I always forget to bring a mask to these things. Arrive 15 minutes early in Newport Beach, take a Valium an hour before. Implant goes well-go home and rest. Also, if they let your partner in-film the implant.

Implant day is a day of rest, and this time I am trying to take two more days of rest after. I am an awful patient and this is hard for me to do. Post transfer we ran low on p4 so we transitioned to 1/2 crinone and 1/2 p4 for the every 12 hour injections. There are enough drugs on hand to get through to the pregnancy test and once confirmed, we stick with this or go all crinone. I don’t remember my last boys’ implant well but this time around, my left uterus feels like a battle zone a bit.

Trimester Breakdown:

Part 1: 10/7-1/8

Part 2: 1/9-4/12

Part 3: 4/13-7/15

November 2022:

An appointment was set up to have a blood draw/pregnancy test on 11/7. What was the time like before? I felt most, if not all, the symptoms. Pray tell, what are the symptoms of the first trimester?

First Trimester Signs: Nausea, Metallic Taste, Foggy Brain, Cramps, Tiredness, Breast Tenderness,

For me, and according to old wives tales, boys are supposed to be worse. This round definitely felt different as I felt very sore for up to a week after implant. Google says this is ok but man, it was kind of odd. The first blood test of Week 4/5 happened and TBD. If this goes well, I go two more times-two days apart. In theory the HCG a pregnant body produces should double every day. The first time you are able to view anything on an ultrasound is week 6. The next, and final, intralipid appointment would also happen that week.

The first blood test was good and positive, the next blood test the values should of doubled...and they did not. They increased but did not double. The office wants me to see the third test before jumping to any conclusions. The second blood draw was a 15% rise. The third blood draw was a 66% rise, so they kept us on the schedule and we scheduled the first ultrasound at 6 weeks 4 days. They also had me schedule my second, and last, intralipid appointment for that same day. Prior to going to going into the first ultrasound, there were 50/50 odds that this is a viable pregnancy.

We went in for an ultrasound and there was a gestational sac, but nothing that could be seen in the sac. They did a blood draw, to confirm the hCG is rising as a pregnant body should be. I had an intralipid appointment but they wanted me to move it, and wait for the results. The beta was rising, so we stay in the game another week. Order more drugs from MDR Pharmacy and scheduled another ultrasound for the end of the week. The intralipid appointment was moved to the same day as the next ultrasound.

Oso Home Care...Intralipids: This trip was shorter, already in the system and they have an idea of how quickly you take the liquids and what not. I believe this time was about 3 hours?

Also, I am keeping track of my weight, as women who are overweight before need to be careful how much weight they put on. When I checked on it, I actually had lost weight. Between my keto diet, morning sickness, and other pregnancy symptoms. In the first trimester one can lose a bit, but should this trend keep up in the second trimester...we got problems. Went in for the next appointment and while it was still not where it was supposed to be, there was improvement in both Beta (blood draw) and ultrasound findings. By this time I am almost 8 weeks along and there should be some major organs created, like the heart.

December 2022:

The next ultrasound would be interesting as it was kind of the determined trip to “call it”. Why would I want to call it? Because since implant, it has been very “we don’t have good news but we have not bad news so keep injecting”. And the body can only take so much for something that they said was most likely to end in bad news? But the doctor makes a good point that while certain things should be in place by this appointment, babies can be “past their due date” so if they are slow to grow, as long as they grow, it is fine? As the train carrying the passenger, the “limbo” is annoying as hell.

The Week 8 Ultrasound: Yeah, so that went about as good as that was going to. The doctor finally called it. It is sad, bumming, annoying, frustrating, relieving yet unwantedly so. They are three options to resolve this round: to let it happen naturally, use drugs to help “speed things along”, or get a D&C. For now, we are going to cancel medications and assess in another couple of days. Did a blood draw to see where the beta is, and establish a comparison point for declines in the future.

For the next blood draw, I could of gone to my Fertility Care office-but with us at the sad end of the process-and them not being part of our insurance-we decided to finish the process in slightly more complicated insured way. They ordered the blood draw at Quest Diagnostics. I made an appointment and the results were sent to Fertility Care. I have seen some insurance that covers infertility, but for the most part that is a sad joke. Some jobs cover that too. If you need that as an option, it’s worth looking into.

Pay attention to your body. I had sharp pains on my lower left abdomen area the day before the blood draw. Like, bad enough to make me basically pointless the rest of the night. The next day they continued, and I called it in. I am now on the alert for heavy bleeding and those pains, as the combination means bad news. But should be signs the body is starting the miscarriage process. To speed things up, they put me on Letrozole and Acetaminophen-COD. This will be my first time having a drug induced natural miscarriage.

Four pills at night for 7 nights, bleeding can last up to a week. Blood was being drawn at Quest Diagnostics and the beta hcg was going down. I used pads for a week to “measure” how much I was bleeding, more than two pads in two hours was bad news. Blood draw to see where we were at, luckily enough for all involved-there was no hemorrhaging. The second week of miscarriage recovery-less blood, less medications, but no less feels? Research shows it could take up to 6 weeks for my body to get back to “normal”. There are some herbs and vitamins I can take to help, but mostly it was rest and food and relaxation.

So, what happened? While there are no answers, there is a scientific name for this. Funny how that works out huh? Here is what I think happened:

“ A blighted ovum, also called an anembryonic pregnancy, occurs when an early embryo never develops or stops developing, is resorbed and leaves an empty gestational sac. The reason this occurs is often unknown, but it may be due to chromosomal abnormalities in the fertilized egg.” (Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pregnancy-loss-miscarriage/expert-answers/blighted-ovum/faq-20057783)

Because this is an IVF process, and everything is tested and in some ways controlled, I doubt it is because of any chromosomal abnormalities. But it is crazy how many variations of miscarriages are out there. And really, even in the same person’s journey-no two are the same. Oh to know so much yet so little.

Honestly, this is a very tough process. I am not sure what to think. Doctor thinks we should implant (IN ME) the last embryo, possibly changing nothing, and see if it works when I am mentally and emotionally ready. For now, the only thing for sure is its BREAK TIME. Is it too soon for a surrogate? I don’t understand how I can be such a medical mystery. It is a very strange feeling.

#my infertility journey #IVF #in vetro fertilzation #round 4 #pixabay #ERA #intralipids #rant #cvs pharmacy #birth control #enskyce #fertility care #oso home care #ovation fertility #surrogate #quest diagnostics #anembryonic pregnancy #miscarriage #blighted ovum

2 notes · View notes

kael-writ · 2 months ago

Text

when I was a teenager I would have heavy periods that lasted months. Sometimes with huge blood clots, the first time I saw one I wrapped it in toilet paper to show my mom because I thought some sort of part of a vital organ was falling out of my body. It was just a blood clot the size of my palm but I was like 12. My mom called a doctor and over the phone without seeing me the doctor said this was normal. I called them my Marathon Periods. After some years they did eventually mostly get better.

In my late 30s, very recently, I started bleeding very heavily for months. Due to tons of bad medical experiences, SA PTSD, bad insurance and being busy I didnt go to the doctor until I ended up bleeding out and needed a blood transfusion, which was a horrible triggering experience. I was told I needed surgery for a fibroid but wasnt able to get the surgery for several traumatic months including days in the hospital waiting for a surgery pushed back and back..... until finally I gave up and guess what...

I didnt actually need the surgery right away I literally just needed hormonal medication.

Now maybe someday I will need the surgery and maybe early intervention would have been better- getting a transvaginal surgery instead or getting cut open - but literally the bleeding and pain has gone back to a relatively normal period with just medication.

Imagine if a fucking doctor had seen me when I was fucking 12, 16, 18. Yes, a transvaginal ultrasound coulda been really upsetting as a kid. But I dont even think as upsetting as it was when I was an adult survivor of sexual assault, at least not if they really took precautions to make me comfortable. Problem was in the 90s I doubt they would have.

Regardless, it's actually insane to me that the doctor allegedly (I mean tbf my Mom is not a reliable witness) just told my Mom this shit was normal and not one doctor cared to actually do anything any of the times I told doctors my periods were so irregular throughout my life.

So many people who get periods are like “Ugh it sucks that having a menstrual cycle makes you almost die every month” like no that’s not normal you need to go to the doctor

53K notes · View notes

umbraja · 4 years ago

Text

Body Hair Positivity: Good or Gross?

It’s been a trend lately to embrace a more diverse image of beauty. Freckles and muffin tops, dark skin and curly hair, scars, tattoos, unusual proportions, crooked teeth, pretty much anything is supposed to be accepted under the banner of Body Positivity.

But what about body hair?

And I’m not just talking about armpits or legs. I also mean unusual body hair. The kind people don’t talk about. The kind women aren’t ��supposed” to have: chest hair, happy trails, beards, back hair. The kind that doctors call hirsutism and is often associated with hormonal imbalances from things like Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, Cushing Syndrome, medication side effects, menopause, or even just genetics. It affects somewhere between 5%-10% of women depending on the region surveyed but may be higher as it can often go undiagnosed.

It’s not like we’re taught how healthy body hair should look.

Humans have been removing body hair since before recorded history. Archaeologists have found evidence of early humans using clam shells and shark teeth to remove body hair. Ancient Egyptians are well known for their full body waxes. Ancient Greeks considered it “uncivilized” for a woman to have pubic hair. Roman boys celebrated their entry into manhood with a mandatory first shave. And medieval European Ladies plucked daily to remove all hair from their brows, temples, and neck - some even plucked their eyelashes. The “New World” was no stranger to body hair removal either. Thomas Jefferson, and many others, wrote of some Native Americans’ depilatory obsession.

“With [Native Americans] it is disgraceful to be hairy on the body. They say it likens them to hogs. They therefore pluck the hair as fast as it appears.” - Thomas Jefferson, Notes on the State of Virginia

In the non-native US, body hair removal wasn’t really a big thing until the 20th century when we did a complete 180 on the subject. Before that Puritan values made sure that most body hair was covered by clothing so few bothered to remove it since no one was gonna see what was under all that cloth. Now recent studies say that 93 to 99 percent of American women regularly remove their body hair, making it one of our most widely practiced beauty norms. Girls as young as 10 are pressured into shaving, waxing, plucking, threading, anything to remove errant hairs as soon as they start to sprout. Refusal to do so leaves us open to bullying, both on the playground and in the office. Visible body hair can cost a woman jobs, promotions, and relationships so most of us remove it, no matter the cost. Which one study worked out to be more than $10,000 over the course of her life for the average American woman who shaves. If she waxes instead the bill goes over $23,000.

So what happened?

“Where eighteenth-century naturalists and explorers considered hair-free skin to be the strange obsession of indigenous peoples, Cold War-era commentators blithely described visible body hair on women as evidence of a filthy, ‘foreign’ lack of hygiene.” - Rebecca Herzig, Plucked, a History of Hair Removal

The driving forces behind hair removal in America are the same three that cause most of the nation’s problems: greed, sexism, and racism. Let’s go in chronological order.

As the “Age of Enlightenment” began to secularize European politics, Imperialists needed a new excuse to justify their expansion into non-European territory. Naturalists like the still famous Charles Darwin handed them pseudoscience. It’s debatable whether or not these naturalists intended their work to be used as the foundation for white supremacist ideology that still plagues us today but there’s no question about how racists interpreted it. They saw evolution as a line that went from ape through colored people and ends at Aryan. Real science tells us that’s not at all correct and if anyone is closer to cave man it’s white people who often have Neanderthal in their DNA. But they didn’t have genetic sequencers back then so they used physical traits to “prove” it instead. Part of this was a gross mischaracterization that body hair could be used to determine a person’s place within the line of human evolution. They claimed people with coarse, dark hair were closer to apes and those with thin, light hair were more evolved. Guess who picked up on that concept in the 20th century.

Darwin further complicated matters in his attempt to explain why some white people were hairier than some indigenous populations by associating hairiness with evolutionary backsliding and mental illness.

“[Hairiness in Europeans] is due to partial reversion; for characters which have been at some former period long inherited are always apt to return. We have seen that idiots are often very hairy, and they are apt to revert in other characters to a lower animal type.” - Charles Darwin, The Descent of Man

Other scientists and even medical experts of the time ran with this idea and before long the educated elite considered hairiness (along with other non-Aryan traits) to be a symptom of disease, insanity, and criminal violence. The uneducated masses were more familiar with freak show displays of unusually hairy people as “missing links” to our primate ancestors. Both cases considered having body hair to be a very bad thing. They’re also very bad science and not at all true.

Despite these very strong, racist feelings about body hair, it still wasn’t common for American women to remove it beyond the upper lip, neck, jaw, or between the eyebrows. Most women don’t have much hair there and those that did rarely had time or money to invest in removing it. Also they wouldn’t be caught dead admitting they had to so historical records might not be accurate about how many women actually plucked. For the first half of American history peach fuzz and other light hair was seen as normal and clothes covered the rest. But the 20th century not only saw women wearing less cloth and showing more skin it also saw them calling for gender equality. Critics of women’s liberation often accused suffragettes of sexual inversion - aka acting too much like men, which they saw as an abhorrent threat. To really drive this point home they often depicted women’s rights activists as being hairy, thus politicizing our pits. Pair this with the “hygiene” movement’s embrace of already mentioned racist views on body hair and you have a recipe for weaponized shame.

“Self-consciousness brings timidity, restrained action and awkwardness. The use of Del-a-tone relieves the mind from anxious watchfulness of movement.” - 1919 Del-a-tone depilatory advertisement

Enter Capitalism. Producers of hair removal products wanted to up sales so they did the exact same thing that was done with every other beauty product on the market - shame women into buying their stuff. It’s debatable if this was motivated purely by greed, in an attempt to reach an untapped market, or if the resulting gender oppression was intentional but men were spared of this aggressive shaming (until recently at least). Women, on the other hand, were flooded with advertisements for body hair removal products. From the first “razor for women” in 1915 to 21st century laser hair removal ads, women are constantly being reminded of our body hair. It doesn’t take a genius seeing ads that call smooth skin “attractive” or “sanitary” to extrapolate the opposite - that body hair is ugly, and dirty. A series of ads for Del-a-tone depilatory products even called it “necessary” for sleeveless fashion and suggests that not using their product will lead to social anxiety. Pair that with only ever using shaved models in all of fashion advertising and you send a pretty clear message: female body hair is something to be ashamed of. Advertising works. Now most American women actually feel gross if they’ve missed a shave, despite body hair being perfectly natural and not at all dirty. This disgust is so strong it has even bled over into an aversion toward male body hair which has seen a sharp decline in popularity since the shaggy chested disco days. Now men are being inundated with “manscaping” advertisements and expectations of manicured if not completely removed body hair.

So that’s the background but where’s this going?

While female body hair removal is firmly ingrained in western beauty standards, a new generation of women are rebelling against those ideals - body hair included. Recent studies have shown a shift in body hair trends among young women. Only 77% percent of women 16 to 24 reported regularly shaving their pits in 2016 and 85% shaved their legs, down from 95% and 92% respectively just two years prior. Since then we’ve started to see models, celebrities, and everyday women with unshaven pits and hairy legs. Body positivity campaigns have even gotten a few advertisers to include body hair in their ads. Now you can see razors actually shaving hair from women’s bodies instead of inexplicably running over baby smooth skin.

Women have always told ourselves that hair removal is a choice but we’ve never before been encouraged to choose not doing it. Instead we’ve been brainwashed to think it’s dirty and disgusting and that no one will accept us for being hairy. Today’s young woman is actually presented with a choice, “to shave or not to shave” and a lot of them are choosing not to. Which is great news for people like me who have hirsutism and are sick of being shamed for how nature made us.

But we’ve still got a very long way to go before I can be confident that my neck beard won’t hold me back both socially and professionally. A lot of the women who have publicly displayed body hair in recent years have come under attack by people calling them various shades of “gross” and some have even been sent death threats. It’s one thing for a rich and famous Hollywood movie star to take that kind of risk but for an autistic office worker living in a conservative backwater that’s a whole different game.

Whatever your thoughts and feelings on body hair, America still hasn’t escaped the shame of the last hundred years. Women are still very much judged for being hairy. A lot of people still think it’s gross. I’m not one of them but I’m full of unpopular opinions.

#body hair #body posititivity #history

75 notes · View notes

poptod · 4 years ago

Text

induratize (Kenny Al-Bahir x Reader)

Description: Induratize (v.) - to amek one's own heart hardened or resistant to someone's please or advances, or to the idea of love

Notes: I dislike this immensely and I feel embarrassed posting it but I mean... we’re lacking in Kenny fics and every bit counts lmao. Implied male reader. Word Count: 1.5k

In your world, there are certain things you don't understand but have to accept. There are things like that in every person's life, but you're a little too caught up in your own, centered around the school you go to and the home you can't bear. Not that there's any specific reason you dislike your home or your parents – just general teenage angst. It's handy to blame your problems on hormones, but there are adults like you too; adults who refuse to love, who can't open their hearts, who grow sick at the thought of loving others. You know it's unhealthy. You know something has to change, because it isn't like you've never felt love before – only that you've decided no one is truly worth the time and heartbreak.

A closeted, homosexual high schooler in 2005 – what a wonderful thing to be, what a wonderful reason to hate yourself. What a wonderful reason to distance yourself from your classmates, what a wonderful excuse to ignore your teachers. But you know the difference between solitude and being anti-social, a line you cross very easily, though you manage to stay on top of your grades and such.

You've got your life figured out, or at least the life you will have to live for the next couple of years. Stay quiet, stay under the radar, don't make friends, don't spill secrets, listen intently, and most of all stay safe. There's only one problem with all of this:

There is an insanely attractive person trying to get your attention.

Not just any attention, either – romantic attention, and you can tell by his quickened heartbeat when you accidentally touch upon his pulse point, his dilated eyes, his mouth parted ever so slightly in awe of you. You're nothing special, you know that, but you're not willing to debate why this boy likes you. The only thing you're willing to do is try and get rid of him.

During lunch times you try to find the oddest, most secluded spot you can so no one can find you. Usually it works well, and every now and then you go off to find a new spot – this time it's inside one of the trees on campus, far off on the other side of the school's massive lawn for football and soccer practice. Sitting underneath it would've been too conspicuous, so you climbed high into it's branches, and began quietly eating.

Nearer to the school building itself, kids swarm around in all different heights and colors, like a massive swath of bees that don't quite belong to the beehive but can't survive anywhere else. It's a stupid analogy you think, but not entirely incorrect. However there's one distant form that grows steadily larger and clearer, and as a sinking feeling develops in your chest, you realize that maybe sitting in a tree isn't as inconspicuous as you originally thought. It's that boy who keeps trying to talk to you, and his hair looks recently cut. He looks a lot better than he did before.

"Hey," he says, a simple start to what you know is going to be a grueling conversation, at least for you. His voice wavers when you meet his eye, something you're sure is an anxious habit.

You don't respond.

"What are you, um, doing up there?"

"Eating," you reply in a muffled voice, talking around a purposefully large bite of sandwich.

"Can I join you?" He asks, much more straightforward than you thought him capable of. In the one class you have with him, he's rather squirrelly, but you admire the courage he's plucked up. So instead of saying no you say nothing, and wait for him to draw his own conclusions.

It takes him a little while, but he manages to get to where you sit, the thick tree branches easily supporting his weight next to you. As he gets comfortable you note his heavy breathing, and watch with careful eyes as he takes off his coat. He has muscles. How did you never notice that before?

He takes a deep sigh and closes his eyes, tilting his head up to the sky. It's then you notice the discoloration along his jawline, a clear bruise against his tawny oak skin, and a cut across his cheekbone. Curiosity overcomes you, and for the first time in a good long while you say the first sentence.

"What happened to you?"

Impersonal enough, you think – it isn't like you asked him if he's alright, though it is sort of implied... when he turns to you with surprise, you can feel regret bubbling in your stomach.

"I, um, got into a fight," he says quietly, scratching sheepishly at the back of his neck. You raise a single eyebrow. He's not the type to get into fights. "Alright, fine," he says. "I.. got beat up, just a little bit. You should see the other guy."

What a cheesy joke, you think, but he smiles gingerly and every thought in your head blips out of existence.

"Oh, my name's Kenny," he says suddenly, holding his hand out for you to shake. He's overly polite, but you know your manners as well, and you take his hand to greet.

"I thought so," you say in reply, recalling the few times his name was hinted at you. "I'm (Y/N)."

"You're in my science class, right?"

"AP Biology, second period, Mrs. Holsten," you say.

"Right. She assigns a lot of homework," he comments thoughtlessly, something you know is a desperate attempt to fill any silence that could appear.

"Sometimes," you agree.

"I just.. it takes me forever, 'cause I usually have to help Larry finish his as well. He's in that class too."

"Who's Larry?" You ask slowly, wanting nothing more than to crawl up into a ball and roll away. This is far too close to 'getting to know someone' than you're comfortable with.

"Oh, sorry, he – he's one of my friends," he says as though he has other friends.

You hum in response, directing your attention back at your lunch. Kenny, however, feels very differently, and makes several more attempts to keep conversation going. For the most part you don't pay attention, catching only snippets of the subjects he's talking about – even though you despise talking with people, you can't deny he has a very nice voice, and you (unfortunately) enjoy listening to him.

"– yeah, but no matter if the rumors are true or not, they're still bad to spread around, you know? Like, there's rumors about me, and –"

"What rumors?" You interrupt him, turning to face him.

"Oh, um... some people think I'm gay," he laughs, and it's a horrible fake laugh, "which of course isn't true."

You're so tempted, so, so tempted to say point blank that you're gay, to ask what's wrong with being gay, but you don't. Thank God.

"Interesting," is what you settle on, staring at him and nodding like you're spacing out which, to be fair, isn't entirely untrue.

Kenny seems kind enough – he's practically spilled his entire life story over the course of the fifteen minutes you've been together, and you have little reason to distrust him. That being said, your distrust of humanity is still rooted deep inside you, and you doubt a single man could demolish that. But looking at him, watching the way he bites subconsciously at his lips, the way his eyelids flutter open and closed and the long lashes that line his grey eyes – you want to toy with this boy. It's probably just your gay thoughts irritating you again, but God he looks like a good target, and he's just so damn pretty.

So you give in.

"Has anyone told you yet that you're pretty?" You ask, pretending it's a normal and casual thing to ask. As expected, Kenny flusters and stammers, falling over his words as he tries to string together a coherent sentence.

"I, uh – I'm not, I uh.. I don't think I – not.. um, there's not – I mean –"

You decide to spare him from further embarrassment, which he greatly appreciates (even if he doesn't say anything).

"I'm assuming that's a no, then," you say, to which he quickly agrees with a nod of his head. "That's a shame. I hope that changes."

Your saving grace – the bell rings from across the large field, and tucking away your containers into your too-large pockets, you hop easily down the tree, followed by a much more nervous Kenny. Reaching your hands up to him, you help him down the last branch, landing him safely on his feet.

"There you are," you mutter as he brushes himself off. "Any scratches?"

"I, um, don't think so," he says quietly, his breath halting when you brush a hand down his chest, ridding his shirt of a couple of bits of bark.

"Get some ice on that cut and bruise," you say, patting his shoulder and turning to leave.

After a moment you can hear his footsteps chasing after you, and it isn't long at all till the two of you are walking together, on your way to your separate classes.

"A lot of people think you're rude," he says out of nowhere. You shrug.

"That's on them," you chuckle, and he easily agrees.

"I think you're kinda nice."

"... thanks."

It's the first time anyone your age has complimented you. Maybe talking to people isn't as horrible as you thought.

#kenny al bahir x reader #kenny al bahir #rami malek #war at home #rami malek character #male reader

66 notes · View notes

let-it-raines · 5 years ago

Text

another kind of green (5/10)

Emma Swan spends her days in pretty white dresses and heavy layers of makeup. Day after day and dress after dress, she poses for pictures and acts like she’s in love and having the happiest day of her life with the man standing next to her.

It’s not. This is all a gig, and at the end of the day, she’s no longer the girl in the pretty dress who’s faking getting married for a magazine cover or a wedding convention. Instead, she’s the girl who probably never wants to get married.

Little does she know, she already is.

Rating: Mature

a/n: I hope everyone is having a good weekend! 💚

AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2| 3 | 4 | 5 |

-/-

Emma filed for an annulment of her accidental drunken marriage yesterday.

She also took a pregnancy test.

Neither of those things were exactly in her life plan. Or whatever hypothetical life plan she’s supposed to have.

Luckily, that test (and the three she took after it because she does not trust those things) all came back negative because if getting accidentally hitched isn’t bad enough, getting accidentally knocked up would be even worse. That’s significantly more permanent and time consuming than marrying someone she doesn’t have to see every day, and she’d pass out from stress if she was actually pregnant.

And the extra-large margarita she had two days ago would have been a pretty big mistake.

(It was already a pretty big mistake when it made her a sloppy kind of intoxicated that had her telling Killian Jones that she liked the smell of his hair.)

(Ruby and Mulan have not stopped making fun of her for that.)

(Killian Jones, Emma Swan, and alcohol are obviously not a good combination.)

But she’s not pregnant, started her period today actually, and after going downtown to the family clerk’s office and having the nicest clerk in existence help Emma fill out the request for annulment papers, she’s officially got that off of her to-do list, which had quite possibly been the biggest weight off of her shoulder in years. Walking inside of the courthouse hadn’t been the best time, giving her flashbacks to being seventeen and having to go to trial (and jail) over those damn stolen watches that Neal set her up for, but at least she didn’t have to have a lawyer.

She stressed over that way too much, but it’s all in the past now. She’s got to keep that stress there.

Fucking Neal. He’s the scum of the earth, and that doesn’t even describe him. She wants to – no, she can’t. she can’t go there.

Positives. She has to focus on the positives, and not all of the memories she’s been tormented with over the past few days. There have been flashbacks of spending her days in a small cell and marking down the days until she could get out, her eighteenth birthday passing by her without her truly realizing it because she’d missed a few days on her chart. The flashbacks of the pregnancy test are the worst, however. The test she’d taken in jail was cheap, something not entirely reliable, and for a brief moment, Emma thought she was pregnant.

For an even briefer moment, she was happy about it because it meant she still had a connection with Neal. How messed up was she that she still wanted to be connected to the man that betrayed her trust and her heart? Why would anyone sane want that?

Why would anyone want to be connected to the man who ruined their life?

Because she loved him, let him tell her that things in her life were going to turn out right, and listening to him was her first mistake.

Emma wasn’t pregnant then and isn’t pregnant now, and she’s thankful for both negative tests even if things would have been different this time. It wouldn’t have been great, but at least she wouldn’t be a teenager in jail scared shitless over how the hell she’s going to do anything with her life because no one she cares about seems to stay. She’s got people now. It’s not a lot, but it’s something. That’s all that matters to her.

She’s got to stop focusing on those awful memories that make her stomach churn and nausea bubble up, and she needs to focus on something productive.

Like serving Killian Jones with his annulment papers.

The clerk has given her options to do that, including paying a courier to do it, but that had cost money and she figured it would be just as easy to give it over to them himself and ask for his half of the two hundred bucks she had to shell out for this. She meant to text him yesterday morning to arrange a time, but the whole pregnancy test thing threw her off. There was no way in hell she was going to talk to him after all of that. Today, however, she’s going to get her shit done and get this whole thing over with.

Emma Swan: Can you meet today?

The little bubbles pop up two seconds later.

Killian Jones: I’m booked all day today. Tomorrow?

Emma Swan: I’m booked all day tomorrow.

Killian Jones: Saturday then?

Emma Swan: I can do Saturday. What time?

Killian Jones: My place? Around noon?

Emma Swan: Send me your address.

She realizes that she never tells him why she wants to meet, but he probably knows. Despite them spending the entire evening together Monday night, they’re not casual friends who meet up to get something to eat or go to a concert together. They’re…acquaintances. She’s got no clue, isn’t really interested in defining it, and she’ll leave it at that. Their “whatever” is short term and will be ending soon anyways. There’s no need to get any kind of attached.

Her phone starts ringing, a picture of she and David from last year’s Christmas popping up, and she slides the bar across the screen to answer the phone.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” David sighs, “this is your daily reminder that you have to file your annulment papers.”

“It’s really a shame that you and Marg haven’t procreated yet because you’re such a dad.”

“How could I have a baby when I’m too worried about you? So I think we’ll keep using condoms for now.”

“Oh my God,” Emma grumbles, getting up from her bed and walking the few feet to her kitchen, which is really more of a kitchenette that can barely fit food than anything. She needs to get a bigger place, but she doesn’t mind living here. Having a savings account to fall back on is far more important than an apartment with actual walls around her bedroom. “I don’t need to know about your sex life.”

“I know for a fact Mary Margaret talks to you about it.” “That’s different.” “How?”

“So, I filed the papers,” she blurts out, changing the subject.

“Did you really?”

“Mhm, yesterday, and I’ve already texted Killian so I can give him the papers in case he wants to contest it or anything.”

“Do you think he will?” “What? No. Neither of us want to be married. It was literally a drunken mistake. Nothing about it was sane. We both want it behind us.”

“Is that Emma?” Mary Margaret says.

“Yes.”

“Can I talk to her?”

“Wait,” Emma starts, “aren’t you at work? How is Marg there?”

“I’m home on my lunch break. I – ”

“Emma,” Mary Margaret gasps, her voice coming in clear in the phone. “I had no idea Killian was one of Ariel’s clients. I don’t know how I didn’t realize that when we did the convention. I called Ariel yesterday, and I just had to talk to her about how funny the whole thing was with the two of you getting married. We – ”

“Wait,” Emma gasps, dropping her package of Pop-Tarts to the counter, “you talked to Ariel about it? Did she know or did you tell her?”

“Well, I told her.”

Shit, Marg. “Marg, Killian hadn’t told anyone about it! I don’t think he wanted to! What happened to not telling anyone?”

“I assumed she knew.” “Did you having to tell her about it not clue you in that maybe you shouldn’t have told her?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry. I guess I wasn’t thinking. That’s been happening so much lately. God, Emma, these pregnancy hormones will make you insane. It’s, like, shit, my brain isn’t even my brain even more. I’ve been all over the place. I promise I didn’t mean to screw that up. It didn’t even cross my mind. Will you apologize to Killian for me?”

“Mary Margaret Nolan,” Emma whispers, “did you just say that you’re pregnant?”

“Fuck, I did, didn’t I?”

Emma barks out a laugh, leaning forward to rest her arms and her forehead against the countertop. She was just teasing David about this, and then…they’re having a baby. For all the screwed-up thoughts Emma has over her own experiences in this area, she knows this is a good, wonderful thing that David and Mary Margaret deserve.

Damn.

They’re going to be great parents.

“Congratulations, lady! I’m so happy for you guys, and I forgive you for being even more scatterbrained than normal.”

“Says the most unorganized person I know.”

“I get shit done.”

“That you do…most of the time.” Mary Margaret sighs. “I’m so happy, Emma.”

“As you should be. You guys are going to be the best parents.”

“Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you, too. Tell David congrats on knocking you up.”

“What a graceful way to put that my wife is pregnant,” David grumbles, his voice muffled. “Real classy.” “That’s me. Marg, are you going to be at any of my shoots tomorrow? I think I need to hug you.”

“I will be at your two o’clock appointment because I need to go over some of the paperwork for you.”

“Perfect. Expect the biggest hug of your life.”

-/-

“How the hell does Ariel know that I got married?”

“Well, hello to you too, Jones.”

Emma side steps around Killian and lets herself into his apartment, her eyes scanning over the place. It’s clean a lot cleaner than her place, and she wonders if it’s always like this or if he cleaned specifically because she was coming over. But that would be ridiculous, and she doubts Killian would have straightened up his bookshelves and dusted his TV off just because she was here.

“Hi, Swan,” he sighs, closing the door behind her before walking back to the kitchen where something that smells ridiculously good is cooking on the stove. “It’s nice to see you. You’re looking as beautiful as ever. How the hell does Ariel know that I got married?”

Emma sighs and pulls out a barstool to sit down, dropping the envelope of papers on the countertop. “Mary Margaret can’t keep a secret, and she told Ariel. I’m really sorry about that.”

“I mean, it’s fine. Honestly. Ariel and Eric have always been like older siblings to me, but they can get a little…”

“Overbearing, protective, annoying as hell?”

“Yeah,” Killian laughs, turning around and crossing his arms so that the muscles in his arms flex underneath his t-shirt. “You know the type?”

“My friends are the exact same way, which makes sense that they’re friends with Ariel and Eric.”

“Small worlds and all that.” “That seems to be happening lately.” Emma sighs and pushes the papers over the countertop. “So, we are officially a pair of fools whose annulment papers are somewhere bustling around in the family council office of Boston.”

His brow arches. “Yeah?”

“Mhm. I didn’t get an attorney. I filed the papers out myself I didn’t ask the split any assets or anything…since we don’t actually share any. I don’t think you have to do anything unless you see something ghastly wrong in these papers, but we have to wait at least twenty-one days before it’ll get looked at. That’s how long you have if you dispute anything.”

“I’m not going to dispute anything, love.” Emma opens her mouth to dispute his little name, but she stops herself. It’s just how he is, and there’s no reason for her to be rude to him no matter how fun that could be. He’s never actually done anything wrong to her. “The only reason I’d dispute the disappearance of our marriage is the fact that I know how you kiss, and it’d be such a shame to not get to do that again.”

She takes back every nice thought about him she’s ever had. She gained a few new ones Monday night, but they’re all about to fly out the window.

“If I had something to throw at you, I would.”

“Such a violent lass.”

“I am what I am.”

Killian chuckles and turns back around to the pot he has on the stove. “I’ve got some spinach and ricotta tortellini if you want to stay for lunch.”

“Oh, I, um, I really shouldn’t.”

“Have you eaten lunch?”

“No.”

“Do you have plans to eat lunch?” He turns around to look at her, and all she can do is shrug. “Exactly what I thought. C’mon, darling. We’ll call it a celebratory lunch that we’re soon to be free of what was quite frankly a nasty marriage. I mean, my wife kept trying to throw things at me.”

“Shut up, Jones, or I’ll actually throw something at you.”

“You think that’s a threat, but really, I see it as a promise.”

The bastard winks. He’s got to stop doing that.

Killian keeps talking, asking her about her shoot yesterday and how it went. He apparently hasn’t been working as much lately but does do the occasional job like the other day to keep paying the bills until he can officially start at the Academy and get a paycheck like normal people do. Emma’s never liked talking about her job because it always seems to lead into conversations about if this is what she really wanted to do with her life. It’s not, never has been, but considering everything, this is so much better than she should have it. Maybe one day she’ll branch out into something more normal and a little calmer, but googling jobs that hire ex-convicts with a GED has never been something she particularly enjoys.

“So, how’d you get into this whole thing?” Killian asks her when he slides her a plate and hands her a bottle of water. “Someone saw you and thought they just had to have your face in an ad in a magazine?”

Emma hums, cutting a tortellini in half. “There was an ad in the paper, which makes me sound so old, for a local dress designer who wanted someone to do a shoot for some of her dresses. There was no experience required. I just needed to be the right size, and I was. I think I maybe got paid two hundred bucks for that shoot, but it opened me up to the whole industry. You?”

If she’s got to answer these questions, he does as well. Tit for tat and all that.

He hesitates. He tries to cover it up, but she can tell. He’s trying to be a cop, so obviously this whole modeling thing isn’t what he’s always wanted to do. Emma may not be some kind of genius, but she knows people pretty damn well.

“Ariel got me into it. I’d known her forever, needed some money, and it just kind of happened. I��d been piddling around in construction and bartending before that.”

“Ariel’s a good friend.”

“Yeah, she’s one of the good ones, always keeping me on track.”

Killian smiles, something soft that makes the crinkles around his eyes show up where they normally wouldn’t, and Emma’s stomach flips. It’s probably because this food is really good. That has to be it.

“So, did you make these from scratch? They’re really good.”

“I bought them from Whole Foods. It’s simple, Swan. I think anyone can make it.”

“That’s because you don’t know how unfortunate of a cook I am.”

“Yeah?”

“Oh, I’m the worst. I won’t admit that to anyone who has seen me cook, but I’m definitely the worst. I could mess up boiling water.”

“That’s pathetic.”

“Hey,” Emma scoffs, flicking a piece of the bread off her plate at him. “I can say it. You can’t say it.”

“Are these in the unwritten rules of Emma?”

“Oh, absolutely. And they constantly change, so you’ll never really know.”

“Bloody hell,” he mumbles, leaning forward to press his forehead to the counter and hiding his face in his hands. She can see his smile peeking through. “You’re going to be the death of me.”

“Well, I assume at some point we did say ‘til death do us part.’”

“Does that mean you’re going to murder me before our papers are processed?” he laughs, those crinkles showing up again as she feels her own lips curling up to the sides.

“Obviously that’s exactly what I meant. Gonna finally put all of my police connections into use.”

“What the hell is going on out here?” someone groans, and Emma nearly falls off of her stool as someone walks down the hallway in a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that’s got to be fifteen years old from all of the holes and faded letters. “Who the hell are you?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“You’re in my apartment.”

“You have a roommate?” Emma asks Killian, turning to look at him as he’s still got this shit-eating grin on his face. “You never mentioned that.”

“You never asked. Emma, this is Will Scarlet, my roommate. Will, this is – ”

“Holy shit,” Will gasps, “you’re the girl he married. I couldn’t believe it when Ariel told me. Sorry about that, lass. He’s a real piece of work, and I’m sure he didn’t get you satisfied on your wedding night.”

He did, but that was technically before the wedding, and she’s not saying any of that out loud.

“Oh, I think I’m going to like you,” Emma laughs, shoveling some more food in her mouth. “Can you tell me every weird thing Killian does?”

“How long do you have?”

“All day.”

“Bloody hell,” Killian grumbles, pushing his hair back, “I don’t need to be here for this.”

“You do if you don’t want me to tell her about the time you went blonde.”

“Oh, I definitely have to hear that,” Emma sighs. “Tell me everything. I hope you have pictures.”

“Digital and print versions.”

“Perfect.”

-/-

Tag list: @xemmaloveskillianx @stahlop @shardminds @carpedzem @captainsjedi @galaxyzxstark @thejollyroger-writer @kmomof4 @tiganasummertree @xellewoods @idristardis @karenfrommisthaven @shireness-says @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @a-faekindagirl @ultimiflos @jamif @dreameronarooftop15 @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @teamhook @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @superchocovian @ultraluckycatnd @cs-forlife @andiirivera @qualitycoffeethings @jonirobinson64 @mariakov81 @spartanguard @snowbellewells @therealstartraveller776 @onepunintendid @bluewildcatfanatic

#another kind of green #cs fic #cs ff #cs fanfic #captain swan fic #captain swan ff #captain swan fanfic #captain swan

111 notes · View notes

iamjjmmma · 5 years ago

Text

tldr: I have bpd. (Loong text ahead)

Note: All names have been changed for privacy.

I never like to open up about mental health. Not only is it messy- it's also degrading. But this is an exception.

So I'm going to lay it out for you. Right here, right now.

I have borderline personality disorder.

I'm telling you because, unlike with so many other things about me, you deserve to know this. And the way I got my diagnosis was long, narrow, and harrowing. So get comfy.

Of all things, it all started with a death. About a month ago, a family friend who wasn't any older than three or four died. My entire family was devastated, but for seemingly no reason, I seemed to be the one who cried the most, who felt the most heartbroken. Not even my cousins, who were closer to her, cried this much. Of course, my sister noticed and encouraged me to get myself into grief counseling. I love my sister more than anyone else in the whole wide world, so it didn't take long before I was booking my first appointment with a Catholic counselor 45 minutes away who knew me ever since I was little.

"Hey there, Sk3ltal. Something seem to be a problem?

" I get angry. I'm in your office, I think. How the hell would there NOT be a problem? I think. But over five years of this kind of anger gives you a kind of knack for brushing it off as hormonal and pretending your fine.

"Well, Manuela...something does seem to be a problem. Somebody...close to me died. And she was young..."

At this point, I'm bursting into tears. I wonder why. I get the "oh, honey, it's okay" treatment. She gives me a hug, offers me all the tissues I need, even lets me hold her dog if I can get past the fact that he's just about as still as a blast of wind. Thirty seconds later, I'm fine again.

"Manuela, I want to make sure that I'm fine. That it's not grief and just sadness. I want to know how not to lose it in public. Because I feel crazy."

Manuela bites her lip. "Grief does make the most ordinary people act like insane asylum patients, no?"

A week later, I'm back in her office. By now, it's almost the end of September. And something"s eating at me. For the first time in my sixteen years, a movie not only humanized the villian, but made me relate to her. Relate to her enough to do this. BPD. Only heard about it once or twice before. Asked my mom if I had it, then she laughed and said it was just me being a teenager and that yes, crying four times a day and slamming the door EVERY TIME YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO was completely normal.

So was the scratches on my skin I convinced my parents was "wicked eczema", and so was me pulling out my hair and banging my head against solid objects. And now, people were talking about how a movie character had it, and how many symptoms she exhibited. Suddenly, hunger for knowledge reached out its hands. I wanted to know.

Could it be I had this? And what was it?

Manuela was a little concerned, but considering I was getting bored as usual in her office, she let me take the questionnaire. Five minutes pass by, half of which I spent taking the quiz. And I think the moment I saw her face turn pale was the minute things started to fall apart and go back into place, all at the same time. "Honey, I...you're positive." ...

Of course, I wasn't diagnosed right then and there. I had to make sure I could point it back to a specific event when it started- in this case, what happened when I was ten between my childhood best friend and i; she ghosted me, and i haven’t heard a word from her since- so they couldn't blame it on my "womanly teenage hormones" (yes, I was telling the truth; the event just helped to rule out those hormones). My family and close friends, whatever the hell the last one was, were interviewed. When my dad was interviewed, I could feel his face turn pale this time as he whispered, "Oh, my God. You just described my kid. Something's wrong with my kid."

Next was a rudimentary physical with my family practitioner. to make sure nothing physical, other than me being a teenager, could be causing the symptoms. When the doctor said "nothing's wrong other than what you keep on seeing me for so far", my heart didn't sink. I didn't feel anything. The diagnosis was made official a short time later, but I didn't feel anything then either. And that's, ironically, a huge part of borderline personality disorder.

Borderline personality disorder, to flaunt it in a more colorful way, is your mind constantly being fucked by a tornado of emotion while the borderline, which is what the disorder is named after, obtains a corporeal form and joins in the fuckery to create a massive threesome. Four if you count Lonely, my friend in the back.

Getting my diagnosis may havw been one of the most quietly difficult things I've ever done.

There's the fact that some mental health professionals are afraid with those with borderline personality disorder, or think it's completely impossible for children or adolescents to have it. If not for the relationship Manuela and I already had, I most likely would have been misdiagnosed again. On to the misdiagnoses, which are staggeringly common in those with borderline personality disorder. I was diagnosed...

-three times with some type of anxiety

-twice with PTSD

-once with bulimia

-accused hundreds of times of being demonically possessed because of my "temper". that priest now knows better.

But now to the real criteria. There's nine of them, and to be diagnosed, you need to get at least five.

-Abandonment issues

This was the biggie. It was almost like I grew up, then regressed. This all started when I was eleven, and my mind would switch from being 4 to being the 11 year old I was. I have too many stories of me being left alone for a ridiculously insignificant amount of time, then me acting like a scared toddler in solitary confinement about it. The time at the high school when I got locked in the bathroom. The time I got left in the car for 5 minutes and almost broke the door trying to get out. There's so many more, but this one, I think, takes the cake.

I was twelve. They had the house childproofed because of my sister, who was 7 at the time and had autism, so she tended to be grabbier than then average bear. The acting out was at its peak back then, and my parents made the mistake of putting me in time-out by locking me in my bedroom for five minutes.

What happened next was almost indescribable. Imagine the outright terror the character in the movie feels when he or she is stranded and realizes they're utterly alone. No one will come to save them. No one. The helicopter they came in is empty. The island always has, and always is, empty. Or imagine the terror you felt at school during that one time it WASN'T a drill. Now multiply that feeling by about sixty. I was nothing more than an animal that day. I screamed.

"LET ME OUT OF HERE!" "SOMEBODY HELP ME!" "DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!" "I DON'T WANNA DIE HERE!". Bang, bang, bang, bang, BANG, BANG.

My parents always tell me that I would've beat that damn door down had they not gotten me out. They open the door. I practically jump on them to hug them. They bump me off, and while I'm not hurt, it's not like that made me feel any better, either.

"What is your problem, young lady?! Can't we leave you alone for five minutes? How are you going to be able to be an adult and be like this?"

Tears poured down my face. I didn't know.

Hell, I still don't know.

-"Borderline" way of thinking when it comes to relationships...always seeing others as either perfect angels or a bucket of nasty-ass toxic waste.

-Self-harm.

No, I don't cut myself. that's the stereotype, although there's people I know who self harm in this way. I didn't know what it was called or what I was going.

but all I knew was that I was relieving whatever tension I had, even if it meant hurting myself. I quickly learned how to keep it hidden, and that was by realizing the millions of nerves on the surface of my skin and how that would cause pain without much overall damage. so I scratched myself. and scratched. and scratched. and scratched. pulling my hair was also a good option. if I feel really crummy, I start to bang my head into solid objects or bend one of my bones, although not enough to break it.

at first, it was to transfer emotional pain into physical pain so I wouldn't have to feel it emotionally anymore.

and it's still that now, to an extent. except it's more about controlling my anger and not letting it show in public, instead keeping it chained to my skin. and I'm sorry if this sounds emo or cringy, but it's true.

now, it's turned into an impulse.

-unstable relationships.

my friends can all tell you that I love them dearly, more than the vast majority of the people they know. and they also know that I'm also more prone to lashing out or doing things in the relationship that don't make sense, like purposefully ignoring texts and phone calls for a day.

-shifting self-image.

what I wanted to be when I grew up was sometimes as fickle as the time of day. I wanted to be an actor during one point in my childhood. it consumed my everything, kept me from eating, from sleeping. and at another short point, I know wanted to be a singer.

in the course of one particular year, I wanted to be a nun, then an author, then an engineer, then a truck driver, then a nurse, then a teacher. it was ridiculous,

and all happening during a period where the education system expected me to decide what I wanted to be.

and what about who I was? was I a girl? a boy? young? old? the best Catholic there was? a solid atheist?

I have my 5. there's more, but I don't want to share it all, at least right now. and most of it is actually because the program I'm using to type this is really shitty when it comes to saving huge chunks of text lol.

Treatment:

I've started therapy. So far, both Manuela and I are still researching BPD so none of us are blind to stigma. However, there's a long road ahead of me, and a road I most likely wouldn't even consider taking if it weren't for my love for my sister (which I'm begging is genuine and not just a product of my mental illness). Finding a medication will be tough, seeing as there's no official medicine for BPD but so far, for the first time, I can feel the "BPD me" fading away when I drink tea with ginseng (a mood stabilizer).

getting "better" from BPD, or at least working to alleviate the symptoms, requires just that: work. lots of patience, persistence, and just lots and lots of hard damn work.

it'll take us getting rid of societal stigmas and working through the root causes, which unfortunately I can't just be "taken away from" as with those whose BPD diagnoses came while they were still living in broken homes.

And the worst part of it all is that I still love my best friend.

#Bpd #mental illness #diagnosis story

17 notes · View notes

michigantomexicali-blog · 5 years ago

Text

Trusting God in Infertility

I rolled my eyes as I read the words “Wait five years.” I knew by the handwriting it was my grandfather who wrote it. Instead of writing a baby name suggestion like everyone else, he wanted to give advice on when we should have kids. It’s family and I guess that’s normal. Everyone else at our wedding suggested names like Bertha, Paco, or their own name because it is such an honor to name our children after them...

I knew that once my husband and I were married it wouldn't be long before we would get pregnant. I never took birth control and we were always open to the idea that if it happened we would be happy even if it was an accident. In our first year of marriage, we did what we had to do to avoid getting pregnant. As our first anniversary came around, we started to talk about trying to have children. Confident and happy we enjoyed every moment of it. I read every book you can read before getting pregnant and asked all my friends with kids about what kinds of prenatal vitamins they took. I even began dreaming of what the nursery would look like because I was going to be pregnant soon and I wanted to be more than prepared.

Just like someone who gets diagnosed with a sickness, never thinking it could happen to them, I never had a thought in my mind that getting pregnant would be something difficult. With my strong faith convictions, trouble getting pregnant wasn’t even on my radar. After all, in high school, my friends would always laugh and say that my babies would just drop out of me because of my wide hips.

It’s insane that time has gone by so fast, but here we are five years later and it seems like my grandfather's suggestion became more like a prophecy. I’ve never publicly shared anything about this issue because I always believed that when the positive pregnancy test happened, when the miracle finally came, when it became a testimony not just a test, then I would share it. But I’ve simply changed my mind. So at the end of this story, you will not find out that I am pregnant because as of now there is no bun in the oven.

Not getting pregnant is the first thing in my life that I’ve had no control over. If I've had relationship issues, I fixed it. Job problems, I found a new job. Money issues, I worked it out. However, when you encounter something you can’t control and your faith seems to be challenged more than ever... it changes you. For the first time in my life, my “authority as a believer” hasn't done the trick. No matter how positive I’ve thought, how much I’ve confessed, how hard I’ve believed, I am still not pregnant.

Faith is what my entire life is built upon. If I don't have faith, I have nothing. That is the thing, I’ve seen it work so much in my life that I know it’s real and it does have power. When I was younger, if I asked for something in faith, it happened. When I asked God for a car to go to bible school, I received it without paying a dollar. I asked for my entire tuition to be paid for and weeks later, supernaturally, it was paid off. I prayed for the job I interviewed for and you guessed it, I got it. You couldn’t convince me otherwise that faith doesn’t work.

Yet, it seems I haven't had a period in the past three years where I don’t cry. It’s like clockwork, I feel the cramps, try to fight it, hoping that it’s just an early pregnancy sign and then bam, there it is and I'm crying on the bathroom floor. This last month was just plain deceiving. I was four days late and began to think that this could be it, but it ended up just being an evil game.

Infertility is extremely difficult because of the emotional turmoil. Hopes are high every month and then they get thrown on the floor and stomped on every twenty-eight days and it is an intense roller coaster of emotions. Plus, every girlfriend who was with you trying to get pregnant together when you first started is already on their third kid. It is the most insane emotional experience I’ve ever been through.

So, when I need guidance I look to one-of-two places, the bible, and my husband. Yes, I said husband, and thank God for husbands, real men who are there with you through it all. Their friendship and love are priceless. They deserve so much just for living with us hormone-crazy women. I find myself saying things like, “I am so angry!! Baby can you make me some dinner, please.” Like I have no idea...but for now, I’ll blame my hormones.

Anyways, many people in the Bible faced circumstances that were out of their control, including infertility. Yes, as much as I believe the spike in infertility is probably something in the water, thousands of years ago women were struggling to get pregnant, including Sarah, Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth. They each were getting older and there was no baby in sight. Each had their doubts, Sarah even laughed when God told her that he would give her a child. Yet, suddenly, God came through and made it happen.

It brings me to my favorite word, TRUST. It’s been one of my deepest convictions since I was a child. Trusting God is something that comes naturally to me. After years of building my faith, it is a part of who I am. I have renewed my mind in the Word of God. Believing that God will take care of me and that His plans are good has become easy. These women also had to learn to trust God. They trusted that He was faithful and that He was a giver of good gifts. You know, faith comes through hearing the Word over and over again, so if you’re looking to get more faith, keep reading the Word, going to church, and start now by confessing that you trust God no matter what and He is going to work out your situation.

Let’s take a moment to look at the sons God gave to these women because you’re going to find out that these barren women gave birth to some amazing men. Sarah’s son, Isaac, was the promised son from God to Abraham and became a foundational ancestor of the nation of Israel. Rachel and Jacob’s son, Joseph, got sold by his brothers into slavery and ended up becoming the second in command of all Egypt, saving the nation of Isreal during a seven-year famine. Hannah and Elkanah’s son, Samuel, was dedicated to the Lord and became a prophet to all Israel who then anointed King Saul and King David. Elizabeth and Zachariah’s son, John, was spoken about by Jesus using these words, “Among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist.” Matthew 11:11

It blows my mind that these women who had the same struggle that I find myself in today, had crazy world-changing, history-altering, God-given babies. We don’t know the details of their stories, but we do know that they had a desire to be moms and God fulfilled it with a bonus of having children who changed the world. I’m sure those women all shed many tears, felt discouraged, alone, and felt like life was simply unfair. I know that is how I’ve felt many times, but we have to remember that weeping only happens for a moment and joy comes in the morning.

Many women I know today who struggled through infertility are either pregnant as I write this or have already become mamas. My sister-in-law Elizabeth is now pregnant after eight years! Praise God! God cares and His sovereignty and grace are real. I don’t know when I’ll have my miracle, but I do have a testimony even if my miracle hasn’t happened yet, and it is this; that I am still here, still trusting, not turning my back on His word, and like a child, I will still believe for what I am asking for.

It is time to hold on and believe that God hears us and will answer our prayers.

-Morgan Gutierrez

How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?

Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death, and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.

Psalms 13 New International Version

#faith #infertility #stuggletostrength #thereismore

2 notes · View notes

mx-sandman-and-mx-brightside · 3 years ago

Text

January 16th

Long one, ignore I posted it a bit late ahaha

Today was good. I guess I didn't get much done. My period started (ew) but the flow's been so light today, which is unusual. Usually the first two or three days I have pretty heavy flow. I took a long, hot shower to help with the cramps and did some other Normal Hormonal Teenage things in the shower as well. Impulsively, I tasted my period blood, mostly because — has tried his and said its good. I have to disagree, I don't like the metallic taste of blood. Period blood specifically tastes better than other bloods I guess, like the blood that gushes out of your gums when you lose a tooth. That blood tastes nasty, in comparison period blood is as good as red wine. — and I have synced cycles which is cool I guess. The good news is I'm no more insane on my period as opposed to the rest of the month, because I'm basically PMS'ing 24/7. Insane. I wish I went on puberty blockers as a kid. I wouldn't be stuck in this body. I hope — knows that I think it's really hot and I'd die for it. Anyways I rewatched Ginger Snaps (2000) and cried and live blogged about it. — saw me posting and tagged me in a post about it, literally made my heart melt. I wanna say I got bored again, except I didn't really. Sometimes I get so bored that it hurts and I start spiraling and usually the only cure is putting myself in danger or experiencing pain or recieving overwhelming amounts of attention from someone. It's usually that kind of boredome that drives me to self harm. But last night I got that same type of craving for self harm or attention without actually being bored or spiralling. While I was in the shower, partially fueled by the Normal Hormonal Teenage feelings and partially fueled by this boredom, I started biting on my arm which was weird but kinda funny. I posted about being bored, and needing attention so I don't make stupid decisions, and — saw it and told me he loves me. Almost immedietly my brain jumped to turn it into like a drinking game except with self harm instead of drinking: everytime someone tells me they love me, I cut. Initially I just wanted to do it because in some shitty ways self harm is kind of fun, but quickly it brought up the realization that I have so internalized the belief that I'm undeserving of love and have to be punished for recieving it. Which I guess is fucked. I didn't tell anyone because that might make people like — stop saying they love me, and I really really need people, especially —, to tell me they love me and I don't want them to stop saying it because they don't want me to cut. I think when I'm back at my dad's house I'm gonna try going vegan for a week again, I can only really go a week before I get too tempted by the allure of feasting on a deer carcass in the woods at 3am on Saturdays. I actually do really like the texture of raw steak, the taste and texture of raw steak is why it's my favorite meat to cook with.

#who's calling? 📞 it's me #dear fucking diary 🕸

0 notes

hopeduckling13 · 6 years ago

Text

Find My Way Back To You: Chapter 12

Summary: Hope Swan-Jones is the product of the product of true love and her true love, so her having very powerful magic was always in the cards. Luckily she lives in a town where everyone is very familiar with magic, so nothing can go wrong, can it?

Or so everyone thought, but then one day as a newborn Hope accidently travels back in time with her mother Emma.

How will the past population of Storybrooke react to their Savior having another kid and being married? And more importantly will the Savior and her baby daughter find a way back home to all of their loved ones?

- - -

Catch Up:

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14857127/chapters/34395467

FF.NET: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12964592/1/Find-My-Way-Back-To-You

[Prologue] [Chapter 1] [Chapter 2] [Chapter 3] [Chapter 4] [Chapter 5] [Chapter 6] [Chapter 7] [Chapter 8] [Chapter 9] [Chapter 10] [Chapter 11]

--- EMMA’S POV ---

“Okay, okay. I’ll help you.” My past self says. I sigh out in relief and breathe out a deep breath I wasn’t aware of holding in. It seems like I’ve made the impossible possible. I’ve convinced Emma that everything will be fine, and she promised to help me find my way back home. My inner lie detector didn’t notice anything weird about Emma’s answer, so she must tell the truth. If she isn’t, I’m prepared for it since I still expect her to have her doubts. Anyone would have some in this situation – especially people, who grew up in a world, where magic isn’t real and people who believe in it are considered crazy, insane and stupid.

“Thank you so much. You have no idea how much that means to me.” I say to her and she gives me a small smile in return. I can tell it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. So, I was right. She’s still a little freaked out, but that’s fine. Baby steps.

“No problem. I’m supposed to be a…savior, so I guess helping others is kind of my job.” I remember my own difficulties with the ‘savior’ part and voicing it out loud. It would’ve been easier, if I knew back then, that there were other saviors – that I wasn’t alone in this. But I can’t tell my past self that. From now on I should only let her know things that are absolutely necessary. I already said too much about the future.

“It’s a hard job, but it’s worth it. Believe me.” I pat her shoulder to give her hope. Speaking of hope, I really miss my baby. I need to get back to her as soon as possible. What if she misses me? What if she is sad? Or what if my parents have no clue what to do with her? They don’t have their second child and aren’t even planning to have it yet. The only thing they had to do for me was put me in a wardrobe. They might have no idea what to do with a baby. My mom did read an awful lot of baby and pregnancy books during her pregnancy with my little brother – what if that is because she can’t handle kids, that aren’t at school age yet?

Oh god. I really have to stop thinking about everything that could go wrong and rather focus on getting back to my baby girl. She needs me after all – at least that’s how it feels to me right now. I swear I can hear her crying in the back of my mind and the sound drives me crazy with worry. I need to get to her. Right now.

“I should really go back to the station now. I left Hope with your parents and I really miss her. I need to make sure that she’s fine. Do you want to come with me?”

My past self flinches at the name. Haven’t I mentioned it before? Anyway, it’s probably not a name I would’ve given her, if I had her during this time period. I was still a lost girl, who didn’t think she mattered and never had enough hope for that to change. I was a really hopeless person – a pessimist – I realize.

After a moment, Emma nods and approaches her yellow bug.

“I’ll drive you. I have to get back to work anyway.” She signals for me to get into the car. I look from her to the sheriff station car, that brought me here earlier, with a questionable look.

“What about the other car?” I ask curiously. Maybe Emma has forgotten about it. That doesn’t sound like me, but still. What other explanation could there be?

She looks over to the car now and shrugs. “I’ll just tell one of the dwarves to bring it back later on. They can make themselves useful for once, instead of sitting around and making experiments at the town line or annoying me all day.” Huh. That’s a good idea actually. Leroy has a tendency to interrupt Killian and I all the time – at a rate, that makes it a real surprise that we have a kid. I should try Emma’s idea once I’m home. I’ll get my parents or Henry to babysit Hope and I’ll give Leroy some chores at the station. Then me and my husband can finally have some uninterrupted pancakes. It’s been too long – at least I think so.

I get into the bug and Emma starts the car, heading back into town to the sheriff station.

Once the car stops in front of it, I jump out quickly. I don’t wait for Emma as I literally barge into the main room of the station. I hear Hope loud cries long before I see her. Once she does come into focus, I see my mother and fathers frustrated faces. They seem to be very happy about my arrival.

“Oh, Emma, we’re so glad you’re back. Hope started crying ten minutes ago and we’ve tried everything to stop her, but nothing works. We have no idea what’s wrong.” My mother says so fast, that I doubt she breathes in between. She quickly puts Hope back into my arms and I start to rock her. She doesn’t stop crying though. I hear a faint sound in the background of the door closing. My past self must be back. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see her waving at her parents and sitting down at her desk.

“Hope, my sweet little baby. Please calm down. Everything is fine. Mommy is back to protect you from any possible dangers. I missed you so much my little bean.” I sometimes call her bean because to me she is as valuable as a magic bean. Mine and Killian’s story started on the beanstalk, so it’s only fitting that that story lives on through our daughter.

I pull her closer to me and put little kisses all over her face, but nothing works. Time to interrogate my parents. They must have forgotten something, right? Or am I that terrible of a mother, that I just don’t know what my daughter needs?

“Did you check if she was hungry?” They nod. I list some more things like diaper change, odd temperature, missing her octopus plushie, if she wants her pacifier and things like that. But it’s all things that my parents tried already. I never should’ve doubted them. In a little over a year or so, they’ll do great with my little brother – whom I miss a lot – after all. I haven’t seen him since the coronation since he doesn’t visit much at the moment. He’s often busy with school work. He still has this drive to finish every single homework perfectly. It’ll pass soon enough, unless my mother has something to do with it since she’s a teacher.

I haven’t been to my parents place in while either since they usually visit us. Except for my almost daily visits at the sheriff station around lunch time. Then it hits me like a block of concrete. I glance at the clock on my dad’s desk. Noon. I feel like punching myself in the face. How could I have been so dumb? This is the time Hope usually gets to see her dad. That must be why she’s crying. She is used to our daily routine and now she misses him.

“Emma, what is it?” My dad asks worriedly. My sudden spark of ideas must look like something bad on my face. Or my expression is unreadable and that’s why he worries.

“I’m okay. I figured out why Hope is crying. She usually gets to see her dad at this time of day, when I pay you guys a visit at the station. She must miss him and that’s why she’s freaking out. She’s a little person who is obsessed with routine. I’m sorry I was so quick to blame you. You took good care of her. This isn’t your fault at all.” I smile sadly at them, feeling guilty as hell, which is normal for me, I think. I always tend to feel guilt very quickly even if it’s not my fault like that time I brought Marian back to life. Regina didn’t deserve to blame me then. I saved a life. Or so I thought. She was once again the villain in that little story – since she intended to execute both me and Maid Marian – playing the victim like she usually does.

My parents approach me, and each put a hand on both of my shoulders. “It’s okay, Emma.” My mother says. “You were concerned about your daughter. It’s certainly a feeling I get.” My father says. I smile brighter at them as a sign for accepting their forgiveness. I probably acted out on my worry and the hormones, that still drive me crazy. Shouldn’t they have passed by now? I can’t remember being this hormonal after I had Henry, but then I didn’t keep him, so that could be the cause for them vanishing earlier. Who knows?

“So, Hope must love her dad a lot.” My mom says, trying to get information out of me once again. But this isn’t a too spoilerish question, is it? I think it’s safe to answer it.

“She does. And the feeling is quite mutual.”

My mom smiles at that and I see her glancing at my past self for a moment. Emma is pretending to focus on her paper work and tries not to listen to us, but I know she does. I know because there’s a slight sign of fear written all over her face. I explained to her the future looks bright, but deep down she still has trouble believing in it. Maybe Hope can help with that.

I walk over to my desk and smile at Emma. “Hi. I think I can calm her down by letting her listen to her dad’s voice. I need to search some recordings he made for her during my pregnancy. Can you hold her for a moment?” He made these recordings as a present for her 18th birthday. He got the idea from a tv show. And I also sometimes recorded him singing lullabies to my belly.

“I don’t know a single thing about babies?” Funny. That’s exactly what Hook said. We really do understand each other because we are the same way. We’re so connected. That must be why our relationship works so well – because deep down we make the same decisions and all that. That’s why we rarely fight and even if we do it’s about silly stuff like whether of not we should buy Hope another onesie at the store. If it was for Killian, we’d buy every single one for her. It’s not helping that Henry showed him how to look them up on the internet. Now he constantly orders cute ones there too. I was quite shocked when I noticed the first time since I never expected the fearful Captain Hook to be obsessed with baby clothes. It’s adorable as hell. Just the thought of it makes me want to have another thousand kids with him – just so I can witness this habit for all eternity.

“You don’t need to know anything. Just hold her and make sure to support her head.” I give her no forewarning as I place the still crying Hope in her arms. She fits perfectly in them – no surprise there. Emma seems to struggle, but I pat her shoulder for reassurance. She seems to relax a little. “See, this isn’t so bad, right?” I smile once more at her and my baby and then I search for my phone in Hope’s diaper bag.

#find my way back to you #Captain Swan #capatin swan fanficion #captain swan ff #cs #cs fanfiction #cs ff #ouat ff #ouat fanfiction #emma swan #killian jones #hope swan jones #hope #baby hope #captain swan baby #magic #captain hook #Jennifer Morrison #colin o'donoghue

3 notes · View notes

obsessivedilettante · 7 years ago

Text

I’ve decided to get a little organized this weekend, since I’ll probably not want to do any cleaning. cooking, etc. the next few weeks due to work craziness. Not that I ever really want to do any cleaning, cooking, etc. in the first place, but I was gonna gift my future self the joy of not stressing about household chores when I’m stressing about other stuff.

I have skincare products scattered about my house, so I gathered everything together to organize it and store anything that could be considered a dupe in a box to be used as needed once I run out of what I’m currently using, because my bathroom is tiny and has basically no storage space (hence the products scattered about the house).

That’s when I realized I have wayyyyyyy too much product for someone with only one face. Even though I only started my obsessive skincare journey at the beginning of the year, I have acquired enough products to last me years. That’s crazy!

What’s even crazier is that I don’t even have particularly terrible skin. My skin is relatively normal -- not too oily, not too dry, although it can lean combo depending on the season or if I’ve travelled to a new climate (or if I’ve forgotten to drink enough water or am not getting enough sleep).

That said, I’ll never have perfect skin, no matter what, thanks to a bad case of the chicken pox when I was twelve that gave me a couple of scars. I don’t get much acne -- a few little barely noticiable bumps, and sometimes every few months a red angry one depending on hormones and stress. My pores are definitely visible, but that’s just the way they are (thanks for those genes, Dad).

Yet apparently this is the year where I did the “omg I’m getting old, there are distinct crow’s feet, I look so haggard when I look in the mirror, WHAT DO I DO?” freak out. Even though I know that you can’t look young forever, I’ve just been used to people assuming I skew at least 5-10 years younger than I am. But now people refer to me more as “ma’am” than “miss,” and this is the first year that I’ve not been carded when I was out with friends for a drink. (It happened twice! And I’m younger than 35!)

So I apparently had a mini existential crisis. I’ve never really been one to get caught up in the beauty hype. For years I’ve not worn makeup (except for special occasions). I’ve always let my hair air dry and do its thing without styling. My theory is that if I am clean and neat, then that’s all that really matters.

Yet somehow, despite me not being connected to the beauty world, I’ve still assimilated the hideous idea that visible signs of aging are things I ought to do my best to postpone.

It’s not like prior to this year I was destroying my skin. Because I didn’t wear makeup very often, my morning routine of washing with a foam cleanser and then slapping on some moisturizer with spf was apparently doing just fine. If I was going to be spending a lot of time outside, I’d add on extra 50spf sunscreen. My skin wasn’t dry or oily or acne-prone. I didn’t have a ten-step nightly routine (I honestly didn’t have a night-time routine, period -- sometimes I wouldn’t wash my face until the next morning, which right now to me sounds vaguely scandalous, but unless it had been a particularly sweaty or dirty day, there seemed no reason that it couldn’t wait until my morning shower).

But suddenly this year there were visible crow’s feet and I just looked so depressingly tired and haggard, which sent me into a panic.

I didn’t stop to think that maybe, just maybe, I looked tired because I was tired. For at least six years, I’ve had insane 60 hour work weeks with unpredictable schedules, which means I haven’t had a regular sleep schedule, since, uh, forever. I would get so busy, I’d forget to drink water. Oh, and I am older than I used to be.

Instead, I started to research like crazy and buy products, trying to solve problems that maybe I didn’t have.

To be fair, I think my skin looks a little bit better. I’ve got that “dewy glow” -- but I still have small bumps and visible pores and those icepick scars that will never be moisturized away. I also have started to wear makeup regularly this year, so falling in love with the concept of a double-cleanse actually works with this new habit, and because my weird pale-with-olive-undertones skin makes it impossible to find a decently matching foundation/bb cream/etc, I’d rather make sure my skin looks naturally decent so I can keep my makeup minimal.

But I don’t need endless bottles and jars of slightly-different-but-essentially-the-same products. I don’t need to keep researching products, desperate to find the so-called “holy grail” that everyone else talks about.

I don’t need a “holy grail.” I have enough “good enough” products that do what I need: keep my skin clean and hydrated and protected from the sun.

That’s not to say all skincare is terrible and you are a terrible person if you slather on ten products religiously every night. I’ve found that I genuinely enjoy the habit of an evening routine, even if sometimes I only use a couple of products (micellar wipes and moisturizer now have a home by my bed for a reason), or sometimes I want to do the whole shebang and do the double-cleanse with toners and essences and acids and moisturizer and occlusives. My skin is sometimes happy for all this pampering, and sometimes it’s like, “Whoa lady, we didn’t need all that, and it’s just gonna get wiped off in the morning without showing any miracles.”

But it makes me a little angry to think that there’s something deep down within that so easily believes the lie that women have to look like they’re in their twenties forever, or else they don’t matter.

Yet... there’s also another part of me that loves how glowy and soft my skin has become.

Is there a point to this? Maybe. There’s probably a whisper of an essay on feminism and how even those of us who think we eschew the normal standards of beauty still internalize those man-made rules (pun intended).

The real point, though, is I’m forbidden from buying any new skincare products because holy heck I have more than enough and it would just be a waste of money and space. Now, if you would please excuse me, I need to go and use up one of the gazillion sheet masks I have...

#personal #ha this got longer than i intended #mostly this is a reminder for me to not get sucked into the hype and buy more stuff

6 notes · View notes

chelseyroseblog · 7 years ago

Text

EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT INTERMITTENT FASTING + MY PERSONAL RESULTS

Well Hiii there!

Okay so INTERMITTENT FASTING. Let's talk about it.

First of all, leave me a comment below if you've ever tried it and let me know how it went for you! I did intermittent fasting (I.F.) for my very first time like 4 or 5 years ago and I LOVED IT. I actually also thought it was super easy. I remember adjusting to it quickly and being able to stick to it for longer than I had initially planned...like MONTHS.

Haha - not quite the story this time around.

Okay so first of all:

What is intermittent fasting???

Most people won't call it a diet as much as it is just a new way of eating or an "eating pattern". There's a few different ways that you can do it but the idea is that you allow yourself to only eat for a certain period of time and then you FAST for the rest of the day.

For example, if I eat dinner at 8pm and then go to sleep, then have breakfast at 10:00am the following day - I technically just fasted for 14 hours. So a lot of us are already basically doing it!!

The reason I wanted to try it again though was because I work late nights at a cocktail lounge and sometimes (okay a lot of the time) that leads me to snacking late at night. I'll nibble on some bread or some little cookies if I'm bored so I just wanted to really try and cut myself off from that in a way that would last.

I figured if I did I.F., that I would start eating at Noon, stop eating at 8pm, then fast for 16 hours. (This is probably the most popular method). So - this is the method I went with and girrrrl it was rough haha.

Is Intermittent Fasting Healthy?

YES. YES. YES. Like I mentioned before, a lot of us are already DOING it. Studies have shown that even people who fast every OTHER DAY still lost 2.5% of their initial body weight and 4% of their initial body fat percentage over the course of 22 days. (Study here).

That's 3 weeks!!

When we fast, our levels of HGH (human growth hormone) sky rocket - which is a GREAT thing! When our levels of HGH go up, we are more likely to experience weight loss, increased energy, increased mental clarity, improved sleeping patterns and a stronger immune system...just to name a few.

Also while fasting, our insulin sensitivity improves which is always a plus because when our insulin levels are LOW, access to our fat storages is HIGHER.

Studies also show that fasting reduces inflammation within the body, it may reduce LDL's (unhealthy cholesterol), (study) supports brain health by increasing a brain hormone called BDNF and also may help prevent Alzheimer's (study).

Moral of the story - YES, IT'S HEALTHY, and SAFE, for the most part.

The only time someone should avoid I.F. is if they are trying to become pregnant and are having problems with fertility, or if they are pregnant or breast feeding. Also if someone has had serious eating disorders in the past then it's probably not a good idea to do I.F.

Also - if you have diabetes or low blood sugar then fasting would not be ideal for you.

Anyway! You can drink coffee or tea, work out and take certain medications WHILE fasting but always talk to your doctor first. Personally, I would drink a small coffee in the am with some almond milk and that would get me through my workout!

Although - "work out" is a relative term. I know my body so I pushed myself to MY personal limit, and if I felt like I was getting too low on blood sugar to be doing a tough workout, then I would opt for a hike instead.

Always do feel what feels right for YOU and not what other people say they do or say is "right" or "wrong". You don't want to take the risk of passing out during an exercise, right? RIGHT.

More of The Benefits

You might be wondering the same thing that I was before I started which was - Does I.F. slow down my metabolism?? I mean, there's so many people out there who are stuck on the idea that WE MUST eat every couple of hours and we can never skip breakfast or we'll go to hell soooo what's the deal??

I learned that studies have actually showed that short-term fasting BOOSTS metabolism (study), but longer fasts (like 3 days or more) can slow it down (study).

While fasting your cells also undergo repair, you eat less, you lose weight, and have the opportunity to try and help prevent yourself from cancer! WINNING.

Okay so like, where the fuck do you even start right?

Here.

How to actually DO Intermittent Fasting.

Like I said before you can do the 16 hour fast where you just pick 8 hours in the day where you will be eating. It doesn't have to be Noon - 8:00pm, it can be 10:00am - 6:00pm, or whatever, just do something that work best with your sched. (This is where I messed up lol, we'll get into that).

The other 2 popular ways to practice I.F. are:

1. Mini Fasts - This is what I like to call them. This means that you fast for 24 hours once or twice a week. My only suggestion with this is, don't do it on a busy day when you have like 899 things going on. Do it on a day where you're going to be alone and unbothered so that you can be in control and not go all hangry on someone.

2. The 5:2 Method - This is where you eat normally for 5 consecutive days, and then for the last 2 days, you consume 500-600 total calories for the day.

1 FOR SURE WAY I.F. WILL NOT WORK:

At the end of the day, this isn't magic. No one has figured out how you can have your cake and eat it too MEANING, during the hours that you ARE eating, you still need to be reasonable with your caloric intake.

The big reason that IF works is because you are on a CALORIE RESTRICTION. If you just don't eat for 16 hours and then go and eat even MORE calories during your 8 hour time window than you would on a normal day - then you will not lose weight. You might even gain weight lol.

So be smart about it.

Start with the 16 hour method and see how it goes. If you get to a point where that no longer feels challenging to you or your results have plateaued, then try the Mini Fasts, then move on to trying the 5:2 method.

An even less direct way to begin 'fasting" would be to just skip dinner or breakfast if you aren't hungry!

My Intermittent Fasting Results:

Hokay - soooooo. I think alternating days of fasting will be something that I try nextt!! Because the 16 hour back to back fasting didn't really do it for me BECAUSE my schedule is so insane.

For most people the fasting is somewhat easy because they eat dinner around 8 and hit bed around 10 or 11pm like a normal person, and then get up at like 8 or 9 and then only have a few hours of conscious fasting.

ME ON THE OTHER HAND. I work until 12 or 1am and then have to wake up at 5:30am, train someone at 7, then go to school from 8am-11am, and then workout from 11am - noon AND THEN I would try to break my fast.

LOL.

Guuurl.

Day 1 : I didn't get a coffee and wanted to die during my workout, then went home and had the biggest salad in the universe with 2 pieces of chicken. I was full for literally HOUUUURS, Like did not get hungry again until maybe 6:30pm? At which point I realized I had under 2 hours to eat before I had to start it all over again.

Day 2: Woke up at 5:30 after closing last night and went straight to starbucks for a small capp. Felt better today but still noticed really low energy throughout the morning. I had the same chicken salad for lunch again and then wanted to take a nap because I just felt SO tired but I managed to pull through.

Day 3: Same ish, different day...except, I actually wasn't starving at noon so I ended up not even breaking my fast until like 1:30! This was nice because then I let myself eat until later in the evening. I personally enjoyed some wine and included those calories in on MyFitnessPal to make sure I was still in my 1,200-1,400 calorie range for the day. I also noticed by day 3 that my stomach was flatter and my waist felt smaller.

Day 4: Started to realize I hate intermittent fasting this way haha. Also realized that not having anything to eat for 16 hours after 2 glasses of wine was a dumb idea so I caved on this morning and bought a Power Crunch Bar. I almost felt like it didn't even do anything haha.

Day 5: I waited until noon to eat and then I decided that I didn't want to fast anymore so I don't know when my last meal was on this day.

Basically what I learned was that:

1. My schedule is too insane right now to be doing the 16 hour fasting.

2. I would eat such a big meal at lunch that I would end up having a smaller dinner which would screw me over because then I would end up eating MUCH less than what I wanted to which is why the mornings were so difficult.

3. I wasn't prepared with snacks at school for when my fast broke. Honestly, I didn't bring them because I knew that if I felt like I was super hungry around 10:00am and I knew I had a bar in my backpack, I would have eaten it haha so it was better for me to not even bring it.

All in all i'm really happy that I gave this another shot and that I was able to learn SO much more about it along the way. I'm still super interested in the benefits of IF which is why you'll see me on Instagram over the next few weeks playing around with Mini Fasts :)

Try intermittent fasting and let me know what you think!

Until next time!!!

XXXX

#intermittent fasting #results

2 notes · View notes

kurtwarren54 · 4 years ago

Text

IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT!

As I sit here typing the words, “I am pregnant!” it’s words we have been dreaming about for almost a full year now. Literally working toward each month. For a year. My heart can’t stop smiling thinking about it, and I can’t wipe the smile off my face as the tears continue to fall down my face. Tears of happiness. Tears of joy. Tears of past heartbreak. All of it. I have shared a lot of my past infertility journey that brought us to Otis (which you can read about here) and I am committed to sharing our story with you as we experience it. These posts for me have been therapeutic to be able to diary as I have experienced it. Also, please be kind if I go in and out of tense as some of this was written in the moment and some of it after the fact. BEAR WITH ME.

This Frozen Embryo Transfer was likely the most important of all of them. It was our last frozen embryo we had in storage. And our last try for a baby. The weight of that was suffocating. After previously going through 3 egg retrievals, after Otis I was left with 3 frozen embabies. Our precious little babies. Of course there are always options to keep going but I am of course already 37 years old and I STRUGGLED to get healthy embryos from my retrievals since my egg quality was pretty poor. I was also unsure if I was willing to undergo the whole egg retrieval process again but this now brought all those thoughts up. What if my last transfer doesn’t work? There was ALOT on our minds. Alot. So looking into our last chance with our last embryo had a lot of weight to it. After looking at our past failed cycles with our doctor, she had an idea to do something completely different. This both excited me and completely TERRIFIED me. But at this point, we really needed to throw it all on the line to put our best foot forward. I trust my doctor so I was willing to go down a new path. I think it’s always important to mix things up because you never know what your recipe for success will be. She wanted to try a “Natural FET cycle” meaning that we would supplement less with synthetic hormones and instead, let my body lead the way naturally and then only supplement with less hormones closer to embryo transfer. Since I have had issues getting a thicker lining with all the synthetic hormones, we were curious to see how my body does completely on it’s own. So the goal would be, track my natural cycle in a “mock” cycle where we were only doing bloodwork and ultrasounds to gather information and track my cycle. No embryo transfer. Just tracking for research. I was IN.

Tracking my Natural Cycle

The process would be, wait till cycle day 3 of my period and come in for a baseline ultrasound and bloodwork at my fertility clinic. Then for me to do at home ovulation kits to track my ovulation at home as well as come in for multiple scans to see how my eggs were growing and tracking it with kits, bloodwork and ultrasound. In doing this, we found that my lining naturally looked FREAKING AMAZING. WHO WOULD HAVE KNOWN. Basically my lining looked the best it ever had and I was almost upset this was a mock cycle and not a real one. That is how good my lining looked. After we confirmed ovulation with both my at home kits, and ultrasound and blood work, doctor also confirmed that my estrogen tends to dip a little low after ovulation so that is where we want to supplement a little more in our real cycle. Good to know! Also, we were excited to decide we would lock into a natural FET cycle and we were doing this!!! Of course we also tried naturally that month to get pregnant and of course it didn’t happen. So we were on our way to our Natural FET cycle with my next period.

Natural Cycle FET

I started my cycle on the 3rd day of my period and came in for a baseline check. The did an ultrasound to make sure I didn’t have any cysts on my ovaries and did blood work to check my hormone levels. The plan was to do at home ovulation kits and wait for high and peak results. The kits I use first tell you when your levels are HIGH and then tell you when it’s PEAK which is right before ovulation. So it was about 2 weeks until I went in again just for a check. Things were actually looking farther along than last cycle so we did more blood work and she suspected I would be getting close so I would come back in 2 days. In 2 days, my body was READY! Those eggs were growing perfectly and when we checked my hormones I was ready to go!! IT WAS INSANITY. I was expecting to have a much longer cycle again but this was flying by holy crap. I waited for blood work to confirm but that night I did my trigger shot! The trigger shot would confirm my exact embryo transfer timing. My lining was the best it’s ever looked! It looked “lush and juicy” in the words of my doctor and she was so excited about how great it looked that she printed me out a photo. I had that good trilaminar appearance to it as well which is all very positive. Things were looking amazing for my natural cycle and I was excited the doctor was as hyped as I was about it. I knew that if things didn’t look great, we could always cancel and try again but we were doing this!!

One week before I did my trigger injection which would trigger ovulation and set the wheels into motion for my embryo transfer. I started my progesterone 5 days before transfer and my other meds 3 days before. Progesterone this time was 1 injection and 1 suppository at night. I literally forgot how horrible those suppositories are. Basically it’s a compounded version of progesterone that looks like an oversized pill that you shove up your lady parts at night. But the aftermath is that is oozes out kind of slowly over time. Sorry TMI but damn they are GROSS. They just really end up making me feel very uncomfortable and I much prefer the injections which I know sounds INSANE. I started WAY less other hormones 3 days before. 2 estrogen patches and then my normal protocol of antibiotics, claritin, pepcid, baby aspirin, and medrol. After the medrol was finished I would start my prednisone. So all the meds were mostly the same as my medicated cycles in the past but just a lot less of them since we were working with my own body’s goods.

We did one last appointment on Friday before my Monday transfer to make sure all my hormones were looking good and that lining was also looking good. I think my nerves were running high. The appointment went great and everything looked ready. Hormones and lining looked good. I got to the checkout desk and was scheduling my pregnancy blood drawl test and 2 of my nurses came over to wish me luck at my transfer. I lost it. I feel awful to have been crying at the desk as I am sure anyone in the waiting room could hear me. But wow. The gravity of everything was hitting me. I desperately needed this to work. It was our last precious embryo and I was a hot mess of emotion. I thought I had it all together, I was feeling so good and positive, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t FEELING. Just such a vulnerable moment. Losing your shit. In public. But damn, infertility is hard as fuck. It’s really fucking hard. And going to battle and being knocked down every time takes its toll. I left the office tissues in hand. When I got to my car, I decided to change the script. Yes we had 1 more chance but that 1 chance is a blessing.

EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY

Of all my transfers, this one was one for the books. My smile was bigger waking up. I was more hopeful. I laid out my rainbow shirt, my cozy warrior socks, and I sat excited to start my day and move a step closer to expanding our family. I blow dried my hair, which in Covid times, is a big deal. I wanted to feel good. Look good. Be the light I needed this day.

Blake, Otis and I packed up to leave. Because of Covid-19, he was not allowed in for my transfer but he would drop me off and be there waiting. As I was getting in the car, I noticed 3 morning doves walking through our garden. It was the sign I needed that morning. Third time’s the charm. I couldn’t knock the smile off my face after that. Despite the fact that destructive fires were raging through my part of Southern California, my sister was evacuated from her home and it smelled horribly of smoke even outside of our own home, I was positive. Nothing was going to ruin this day for me.

When I got to the clinic, it was business as usual. Take my valium and I filled out all my forms etc and before I knew it I was back in the room getting ready. I always play music on my phone and this time I put on my Summer Salt playlist for some good vibes. The embryologist came in, shared good news about our thawed 4AB embryo and confirmed it was our last normal embryo. My doctor came in shortly after. A speculum, a catheter and a few quick minutes later and the embryo was in! Watching it on the screen happen via ultrasound is truly a sureal experience. And just like that, we did it. I had my lucky socks on keeping me cozy and I also brought a few ribbons with me from a gift as a good luck charm. Channeling hope and love through every moment. I had asked Blake if he could give me an affirmation each day after my transfer to keep my spirits high and keep my hopeful heart in the right direction. I didn’t know he was going to give me something on the day of my transfer but before I had walked in, he gave me my first affirmation from him and Otis. I got to open it as I sat alone waiting for the doctors and nurses to come in. I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. “The pain that you’ve been feeling can’t compare to the joy that is coming” <3, Blake + Otis Never underestimate the power of a small gesture to make someone’s heart just so happy. Blake picked me up and we drove home to for me to get cozy in bed, eat my lunch, and take a much needed nap. Since I take valium to relax me before my procedure, I always need a good nap that day to sleep everything off.

2WW (The Two Week Wait)

This time period is the dreaded “TWO WEEK WAIT.” Technically it’s 10 days after my transfer that I can go in for my beta blood work to measure my HCG levels and find out if I got pregnant from my transfer. So let’s start from the beginning of those 10 days.

My first 3 days (including transfer day) were bed/couch rest. So basically hang in bed, have Blake bring me all my meals and snacks and just BE CHILL and BE HAPPY. In order to prepare for this and make it easier for Blake, who took time off of work to watch and care for myself and Otis, I did our meal plan for bedrest and planned some of my favorite meals to enjoy during this time. Also a tradition on transfer day for me is to enjoy a bagel with sundried tomato cream cheese and cucumber in bed while I watch Father of the Bride. I do this every time. It’s just part of my “happy” process. We had to keep my door closed since bed rest and a toddler don’t mix. Of course Otis and Blake could come in to say hi every once in a while, but the important thing was for me to be chill and mellow. So I binged my fav rom coms in bed, took some naps, and thought positive thoughts. I also facetimed Otis for every meal so I felt part of the family even stuck in bed. Love that technology could keep us together at meal time. This also made me happy to see Otis’ sweet face.

On day 4, I was allowed to resume normal activity as long as I refrained from any strenuous and no working out at all. Also, no lifting my toddler. That one is difficult! But I am so thankful to have Blake working from home to help me lift him in and out of his crib during this time. So we took things easy, and kept myself busy hanging with Otis daily and waiting.

During the 2ww I was also tracking my body like a HAWK. What was I feeling? How was I feeling? Were these signs of pregnancy? Were these signs of my period? Anyone that endures the 2WW becomes obsessed with any small symptoms they might detect and wonder WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN. I am telling you, it’s maddening. The problem is, with each transfer, all the symptoms are almost identical for pregnancy OR getting your period. Seriously. It’s a mind fuck excuse my French but it is. And comparing my symptoms to my last 2 failed FET, they were similar. So how was I supposed to know if it was good or bad? There was just no way to know. I had the slight cramping. I had the sore boobs. I had the bloating. Basically all the symptoms all week. I started those 10 days mellow and cool as a cucumber but as the days passed by… the anxiety started to rise.

9DPT (9 Days Post Transfer)

As I sit here on Nov 4th, my anxiety level is at an all time high with the election still lingering with no clear cut winner and a pregnancy test lingering. Chalk it up to massive PTSD but wow the nerves are hitting me today. I know what is done is done, and I know my results will share just that. But this time, it’s all on the line. As the day went on the anxiety rose. I ended up doing a mediation in my calm app and taking a nap when Otis took a nap. I needed that release. Later in the day after dinner, I went to the bathroom and I swear when I wiped, I had a slight light pink streak. I freaked out. Could this be my period??? We were getting Otis ready for bed and I was sitting in his rocking chair waiting for him and Blake to come into the room and I just broke down. Hysterically ugly crying I said to blake, “Im so nervous.” Tears streaming. Uncontrollably. I think in this moment I realized that while my level of optimism was high, there was still 2 possible outcomes… and now I was freaking out. Sadly I made Blake stress out too but damn guys. I just lost it. While the 2WW is always an excruciating time for people going through fertility treatment, the day before blood test was high up in the worst days ever. After we got Otis down for bed, we binged some 90 Day Fiance before the 90 days to get our minds off the baby topic. And then tucked ourselves in with our nightly meditation. I have the Hatch Restore and it’s been a great part of my daily routine. You can select custom meditations to play before bed and then play your sound machine music. It’s helped to set a good intention for me before bedtime. Setting my mind in the right space has been such an important thing to focus on throughout this experience.

10DPT + Pregnancy Blood Test

I think Blake and I barely slept the night leading to my blood work. I woke up and got ready to go and made sure to pee in a cup for Blake. I NEVER go into my bloodwork without doing a HPT (home pregnancy test) because I do not want to find out blind from a phone call if I don’t have to. So I peed in the cup and left. Right when I leave the door, Blake does the pregnancy test for me. He is a GOOD man. So thankful he does this for me. I do this so that we have results but I don’t know until after my blood work so that I am in good spirits at the doctors office. I headed in for my quick blood drawl and I was back into my car eagerly texting Blake. Because of the stress and PTSD… I texted Blake, “Negative?” and he texted me, “Are you sure you wanna know?” and I said yes. “You are PREGNANT!” I swear when I read it… I blacked out. LITERALLY BLACKED OUT. I immediately video chatted with Blake while uncontrollably and hysterically crying. HYSTERICAL. I was in complete shock. Blake asked, “Are you excited???” Since he was clearly confused by my tears of utter shock. OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It seriously took me some time to calm down. It was literally unbelievable. After 1 cancelled cycle and 2 failed transfers…. I finally got a positive home pregnancy test. It was a fucking miracle. Now to wait for the actual blood results.

The nurse called me later in the day to share the good news and I was just so relieved not to get that familiar phone call from my doctor. The PTSD is so real when it comes to every part of this process. My levels looked GREAT and I would come back in 2 days to make sure my beta HCG levels were going up. My levels 2 days later looked great again. It was official!!!! I would go in next week for my 5 week ultrasound. At this point, we had our trip to Alisal scheduled btw my blood work and my ultrasound appointment so it was the perfect midweek time to literally celebrate our new found news together as a family. But also gave us so much excitement to know after our short trip, I would come home to an ultrasound appointment to SEE OUR BABY.

5 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Leading up to each milestone is like a wave of anxiety following with you. Of course I am hopeful, happy, excited but when you have this many problems getting pregnant, I forgot just how much anxiety I had leading up to each weekly appointment. Being in such a pattern of heartbreak and disappointment you are just waiting for the other shoe to drop. But wow. What a milestone. I headed in for my appointment and the doctor said, “There it is! Right where I left it!” I breathed a sigh of relief as we looked at the little circle that was our baby on the ultrasound machine. She explained that my appointment for 6 weeks we MIGHT be able to hear the heartbeat but to not freak out if we didn’t because we still had our 7 week appointment to hear it. So now we just waited for the next week. I still am continuing all my meds: 2x a day progesterone injections, 2 estrogen patches changed every other day, and my daily anti-inflammatory protocol meds (prednisone, claritin, pepcid ac and baby aspirin).

6 Week Ultrasound Appointment

At this appointment I got to see the flickering of the heart!!!! BIG BIG FEELINGS!!! No sound yet to detect but it was a great sign to physically see the heartbeat. At the start of 6 weeks is when my extreme nausea began. It was much worse than my pregnancy with Otis. I started diclegis (2 pills at night) to help combat my nausea and help me to function as a mom to a toddler.

7 Week Ultrasound Appointment

WE GOT TO HEAR THE HEARTBEAT!!!!!! Such a milestone to experience. An exciting week for growth. Another positive is that after 1 week of taking diclegis, I was starting to finally feel a bit better. The meds definitely took time to kick in for me. It was not immediate relief.

8 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Growth was all good! Feeling overall much better since starting my meds as well.

9 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Scan went great and I got to decrease my meds to the below!

1 progesterone injection a day Stop prednisone pills Continue estrogen patches Continue baby aspirin Continue claritin and pepcid as needed

The nausea seemed to be creeping back late afternoon and just was not feeling great from afternoon to dinner time. I lost my appetite at night and it was hard to really get down any dinner. Lots of exhaustion and going to be early this week. Its the week I felt the WORST. Even despite being on the diclegis at night. But starting 10 weeks and 2 days I started to feel alot better again.

10 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Starting to finally feel better overall. But WOW. Massive exhaustion and just feeling so tired all of a sudden. Zero energy. Blake also said, “you look tired” so there is that. HA! Scan looked good and growth is on track!

We also did our genetic testing blood work that looks for genetic disorders as well as can signify gender (even though we already know) and will await those results. The nice thing is we already know we have a healthy genetically tested embryo but to be thorough we alway do this blood work regardless. And as always, each step is still nerve wracking as we move forward.

11 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Our little one is really starting to look like a baby on the ultrasound!!! Funny how things grow so quickly each week and really start to transform. Everything is looking great and finally weaning down meds again. VERY exciting.

No more patches Wean down to 1 progesterone injection every other day

I was feeling pretty good overall and not sick. But still very tired as the day drags on. Since dropping the meds, I started to get a hormonal headache which lasted for 2 days. Luckily it passed quickly and is likely due to the fluctuation of my hormones from stopping certain meds etc. I do have the occasional nausea at night so I make sure to be having smaller meals as well as some protein snacks throughout the day to try to curb the nausea if I can.

12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist

HOLY CRAP I made it to my gyno appointment. Because of the way the holidays fell this year (both Christmas and New Years) I was able to do my 12 week with my Gyno and then do my Fertility clinic 12 week the following week. I hope to be able to graduate next week from my fertility clinic but time will tell. Or should I say, my bloodwork will tell.

At my appointment I had a lengthy ultrasound to see baby. GUYS!!!! The tech said the baby was so accommodating and was literally showing off the most perfect little angles for photos. She was able to get some really cool 3d renderings of baby that you see above. SO. FREAKING. COOL!!! Everything looked great. Heartbeat is great. All great! I next met with the nurse practitioner, since I don’t see my doctor on my first appointment, and went over some basics and then I was on my way to get my prenatal blood panel. And that’s it! Such a milestone heading to my first obgyn appointment.

In terms of how I am feeling, let me tell you the nausea is creeping right back at night so around dinner time to bedtime I am kind of feeling miserable again. But I know that soon enough things will level out and I should be feeling much better over all again. I am so glad to still be taking the diclegis or I would REALLY feel like crap. Thank you modern medicine. Regardless of feeling crappy, I know it’s all for a good cause so you won’t find me complaining… that often

What’s Happening Now

We obviously have a long road ahead of us and many milestones to achieve with our precious little baby. I feel each week, you look at the next and think, “Wow! I will feel much better at “X” week.” Then “X” week hits and you will feel better and more confident the NEXT week. So many nerves when it comes to pregnancy at least for us around here. What I can say is we are so hopeful and with every week our hearts just grow bigger as the baby grows. Because of my appointments falling over the holidays, I have my 12 week appointment at my fertility clinic next week a little bit late and we are HOPEFULLY it will be my graduation day!! Hopefully all my levels look great when we do my bloodwork and I can finally stop all my medications. My fingers will be crossed for that moment. I told my doctor I will be happy when I never have to see her again. HA! I know that sounds mean but she TOTALLY understood what I meant. I see Dr. Moayeri at OC Fertility and her office works through the CCRM facility in Orange County. I can’t say enough good things about them if you are on the hunt for a doctor. Also have seen Dr. Sachdev there many times who is equally lovely.

To have gone through all of this infertility journey during normal times would have been excruciating and add in a global pandemic, thanks to Covid-19, it added an extra layer of complexity to everything. To think of all the women, going to their appointments alone, going through procedures alone… it just breaks my heart. Especially those going through it for their first time. These times and these struggles have only confirmed something I have found out through having Otis: That I have more courage than I could have ever thought possible. This process has almost been more excruciating knowing what a light and joy it has been to be a mother to Otis. It’s hurt extra hard knowing that we may never be able to give Otis a sibling. To be given the joy and privilege of being a mother the first time was my biggest dream come true. And to be given that opportunity again, I am just crying tears of joy. Over. and Over. And over again. It still feels sureal to think we are on the other side of this. Everyday I wake up and go to bed, looking at the ultrasound photo next to my bed, and the inspiration quotes Blake typed out for me that I still have hanging on a string on my wall. And the photo of our precious embryo and the photo of our actual transfer. Everyday I count my blessings. So coming this July 2021, Otis will become a big brother. And for that, Blake and I will never stop smiling.

I know how triggering a pregnancy announcement can be to those still struggling through their infertility or trying to get pregnant naturally. But know that miracles happen. And that most of all, when it might seem the darkest, hope remains. I hope through hearing our story, you know you are not alone going through infertility. It’s true that the storm is indescribable but the rainbow is always worth the struggle. My heart is with you all.

Otis pajamas in these photos are from my collaboration with Clover baby & Kids. It’s obviously VERY special since both Otis and our future little baby will be our little rainbows of joy. You bet I have ever size in there for when baby #2 comes to join us. You can use code: OTIS for 20% off most items if you want to celebrate your own little rainbow baby with me. Shop here.

The post IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT! appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

from Wellness https://www.eatsleepwear.com/2020/12/30/ivf-fet-round-4-pregnant/ via http://www.rssmix.com/

0 notes

elizabethcariasa · 4 years ago

Text

IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT!

Tracking my Natural Cycle

Natural Cycle FET

EMBRYO TRANSFER DAY

2WW (The Two Week Wait)

9DPT (9 Days Post Transfer)

10DPT + Pregnancy Blood Test

5 Week Ultrasound Appointment

6 Week Ultrasound Appointment

7 Week Ultrasound Appointment

8 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Growth was all good! Feeling overall much better since starting my meds as well.

9 Week Ultrasound Appointment

Scan went great and I got to decrease my meds to the below!

1 progesterone injection a day Stop prednisone pills Continue estrogen patches Continue baby aspirin Continue claritin and pepcid as needed

10 Week Ultrasound Appointment

11 Week Ultrasound Appointment

No more patches Wean down to 1 progesterone injection every other day

12 Week Ultrasound Appointment with My Gynocologist

What’s Happening Now

The post IVF FET Round 4 (Third times the charm) IM PREGNANT! appeared first on eat.sleep.wear. - Fashion & Lifestyle Blog by Kimberly Lapides.

0 notes

stag-garden · 7 years ago

Photo

MOOGLE’S BACK, AND IT’S TIME TO KICK SOME OC ASS. LET US RETURN THIS BLOG TO ITS FORMAL GLORY, AND PERHAPS PEOPLE WILL BE WILLING TO GIVE THE ACTUALLY REVIEWS NOTES INSTEAD OF THE SHITPOSTS. LET’S FUCKIN GO.

AS I PROMISED, THIS IS PART 1 OF A FINAL FANTASY XV OC REVIEW, SO WITHOUT FURTHER A DO LET’S GIDDILY GO.

Hi Yes, a profile of my Final Fantasy XV OC, Andrea Lucis Caelum! (Who is, as I’m sure you’ll tell me, not at all related to Noctis Lucis Caelum or his family line in any way!)

(Right?)

NamedHerAfterMyPrimarySchoolClassmateAndExHeadPrefectOfMyBatchcoughSheGaveHerConsentOkay=-= (English, PLEASE.)

This will be a draft of her profile, so please tell me how to improve! (That’s what I’m here for, buddy-boy.) Biological Info:

Name: Andrea Lucis Caelum (Please, dear god, don’t be the Lucis Caelum we’re all thinking of. Please.)

Nickname(s) or Alias: Drea, Rea, Braveria (Who the fuck calls you Braveria, and why? Is it because you’re supposed to be brave? If so, that’s just stupid. I’m honestly so confused.)

Age: 21 (Old enough to smoke the drugs and be cool)

Gender: Female

Weight: 52kg (About 115 lbs.)

Place of Birth: Insomnia, Lucis (That’s just more evidence going towards your true cancerous nature. I really don’t want to have to shoot you.)

Height: 175cm (5′7″ tall, meaning she’s a solid 10 lbs. underweight. Side effects may include weakened immune system, hair loss, infertility, fucked up hormones, and menstrual complications. Eat a fucking meal for once.)

Position: Oldest Princess of Lucis, ??? (secret x3) (Are you saying that the fact that she’s the “oldest princess of Lucis” is a secret, or that she has some other occupation that is a secret? Because both situations sound fucking awful.)

Family Ability: Ability to absorb elements for spells (Fuck no. Jesus Christ, no no no. This isn’t true, you’re not in the royal family, you didn’t really write this.)

Personality: Quiet, reserved, serious, slightly pessimistic, motherly, confident (at times) (The traits quiet, reserved, and serious wouldn’t match up with a motherly character at all.)

Speaking Style: Serious, slightly monotone, deep

English Voice Actor: (???)

Japanese Voice Actor: Rina Satou (I’m gonna guess that he 2 hours of Final Fantasy XV that you did play, you played in Japanese, you weeaboo shitstain.)

Battle Condition Info:

Weapons: Normal Spear, Spear of the Sister, Ring of the Sister

Main Weapons: Spear, Spear of the Sister, Ring of the Sister (None of these are actual weapons by the way, the creator just pulled these out of their ass to try to make their character sound more interesting somehow. In reality, it just highlights how bad it is.)

Elements: Fire, Ice, Lightning (Should you also be able to absorb light and dark as well, or would that be too OP for you?)

(/s)

Favoured element: Ice

Favoured Weapons: Spear, Spear of the Sister, Ring of the Sister (Alright now I just want some explanations. Why is it called the Ring of the Sister [other than the obvious reason of her being Noctis’ sister]? It doesn’t make any fucking sense.)

Combat Style: Strategy, instinct (at times) (HOW CAN YOU BE BOTH???)

Main hand: Right hand

Capabilities: She's able to move swiftly and stealthily to creep up on enemies to take them out. If her weapons are not being able to be used in combat (The grammar of that fragment was completely and entirely butchered, oh my god.), she either retreats, or engages in physical combat (I mean, if she’s swift and stealthy, wouldn’t it just be a good idea to scram?). She's average on physical combat, being able to throw punches and kicks with no problem (As are most people, lmao). However, her accuracy and speed are not that precise in physical combat, hence she would be very vulnerable if in physical combat, so usually she preferred to retreat when faced with no choice. (Take a shot every time you read the words ‘physical combat’) Usual Abilities:

Strength: 6/10

Defense: 4/10

Speed: 7/10

Strategy: 8/10

Magic: 5/10

(So what you’re trying to tell me that she has no real special strong point and she fuckin sucks. Got it.)

Weapons Capabilities:

Regular Spear: (What the hell defines as a regular spear, anyways?)

Strength: 7/10

Defense: 3/10

Speed: 5/10

Strategy: 8/10

Magic: 5/10

(This spear is almost as mediocre as you are.)

Spear of the Sister:

Strength: 8/10

Defense: 3/10

Speed: 5/10

Strategy: 7/10

Magic: 7/10

(Why do you weapons have a strategy stat? Do they talk? Are they doing the strategizing for you?)

Ring of the Sister:

Strength: 7/10

Defense: 1/10

Speed: 9/10

Strategy: 5/10

Magic: 9/10 Special/Unique Abilities: Ring of the Sister/Courage:The Ring of the Sister, commonly known as the Ring of Courage, is a special piece of jewelry owned by Andrea. When feeling worried, one has to concentrate magic and concentration for the ring to give them bravery, absorbed from the enemy, replacing their bravery with fear, at a cost of a small time period of the user losing most of their consciousness, usually 10 minutes to 5 hours. (That’s a very broad scale, is she okay???) Bravery will fill the fear of the user, for a day, giving them courage to face the dangers ahead. The Ring of the Sister offers a defensive shield for the user, commonly when summoned, at a cost of a small amount of their magic. (THE RING OF THE SISTER’S DEFENSIVE CAPABILITY IS LITERALLY A 1/10 LMAOOO) Spear of the Sister: The Spear of the Sister, is the weapon of the Seventh: The Angel. The Spear of the Sister is owned by the Angel. Upon receiving the Angel's blessing, the Spear of the Sister would be acquired. The Spear of the Sister boosts the bravery, patience, integrity, perseverance, and purity of the wielder, allowing them to be more swift in battle. However, by using the Spear of the Sister, 100 HP, 20 MP, and 2% self-control will be lost with each hit, preventing the weapon from being abused for its power. Self-control will only be lost if the user had evil intentions for the use of the weapon, deep down in their hearts. (That’s fucking stupid, if evil people lost their self-control with every hit, they’d be crazy by the time they hit a target 50 times. That wouldn’t preserve the weapon’s power from being abused, it would just make the now-insane user abuse it more.) Spear of the Sister also protects the wielder, if they are of a pure heart and mind, as wished of the Angel. Relationships: Family:

Regis Lucis Caelum (Father) (No, this is what I’ve feared all along.)

Bianca Prudentia Lucis Caelum (Mother) (xThundy) (This is another OC, and another reason for this OC to not exist.)

Noctis Lucis Caelum (Younger Brother) (No, no this is NOT allowed I WILL NOT tolerate this. Noctis is a pure boy who did nothing to deserve this relentless torture that you’ve given him.)

Serena Lucis Caelum (Younger Sister) (xThundy) (This is another OC that we’ll get to later.)

Lover: Ignis Scientia

Friends:

Lunafreya Nox Fleuret

Gentiana

Revis Nox Fleuret

Prompto Argentum

Gladious AmicitaIris Amicita

(Man, of fucking course, you’re friends with everyone, Jesus Christ.)

Enemies:The Empire, Ardyn Lucis Caelum Trivia: Hobbies: Drawing, Reading, Singing, Playing instruments, Dancing

(”Playing instruments”, how specific of you.)

Favourite Places: Galdin Quay, Tenebrae

Preferred Meal: Toasty Rice Balls, Veggie Medley Stew, Average Saving: 10 000 Gil

History: (COMING SOON) (More like “I was too lazy to write this while I was making the OC, but I eventually forgot to write it because I got too busy working on characters that were arguably worse.) Yeah hope you liked it! It took me 2 hours to write these omfg xwxThank you for taking time to read this! Her profile will be updated completely soon! Andrea Lucis Caelum: Ifse-Chan Serena Lucis Caelum and Bianca Lucis Caelum: xThundy Profile template: xThundy Respective Final Fantasy Characters belong to: Kazushige Nojima, Saori Itamuro, Akiko Ishibashi, Takumi NishidaOri: My own drawing (reference used), please do not steal! (Jesus fuck, people actually do this.) Boi! :3

Final Rating:

//Moogle

#FFXV #OC #give me the sweet release of death

21 notes · View notes