#(it's incomprehensible to get this when I know we are constantly in the wrong. trying to understand this)

[bakuhatsufallinlove]

since the general fanbase seems to find calebs translations questionable, is there any translators you'd recommend instead? (if you answered this before i couldnt find it, so sorry if its an FAQ)

The general fanbase does not speak Japanese, so first I would recommend you not take their opinion into account.

I am not trying to be combative, I’m serious. About 85% of the hatred for the official translator stems from things that have absolutely nothing to do with the quality of his work. 10% of the hatred claims to be about the quality of his work, but comes from people who do not actually speak Japanese and therefore have no place judging it. Only 5% of the negativity I've seen has any real merit as translation criticism.

For the record, I’m not going to address the source of that 85%, because the quality of a person’s character is objectively irrelevant to assessing whether their translations are accurate or effective. What you or I think about the official translator is of no importance. Shitty people can be good at their job. That’s just a fact.

The official translations are overall accurate, effective, and of high quality. Viz obviously has in-house standards for tone and aesthetic in translation; they have an existing “shonen” branding adapted for American audiences. It is about marketing. This is evident in all of their published works. Some people find the tone and aesthetic off-putting—this is totally understandable, I’m not particularly a fan myself.

Generally, the worst you tend to get with the official translations is somewhat weird or exaggerated characterizations and the occasional missed thematic callback. The worst you get with the fan translations that are popular is them being factually wrong at times—as in, their translator simply did not know the meaning of the words they tried to translate. It's not that mistakes never happen in the official, but the Viz translator is fluent in Japanese and translates as his full-time occupation. He works with Japanese fluidly and constantly. He knows what he’s doing. When fan translators falter, it is usually because they are clearly not fluent, and this is something they do out of passion or for fun in their free time.

I typically avoid criticizing the fan translations for this reason, despite their issues. I myself translate out of love and enjoyment; I don't want to harsh on anyone's good time or discourage fan activity. I bring this up only because many people put the fan translations on a pedestal while promoting scorn and distrust of the officials.

But you asked me for recommendations.

So, I will tell you what I would do if I were in your shoes: if I loved a series that was written in Spanish, I would read the official English translation. If someone told me some important things are glossed over in the official release, I would surely look into those—but only take the perspectives of Spanish speakers into account, because how are English speakers supposed to know what’s what? I would compare those perspectives (because there is no way everyone will have the same opinion) and see if there are any other translations, while looking to understand what the rationale is for the differences therein.

And then I would come to my own conclusions about the characters and the story, because in the end our relationship to media is personal. What the story means to me and what I think the creator was trying to do is fundamentally up to me to decide.

I grew up in the era of bootleg anime and manga with nigh-incomprehensible translations and official releases with butchered, thoughtless dubbing, released seven years after the series already ended. By comparison, what we have today—cheap or even free releases available simultaneously or within two weeks of the Japanese release—is fucking magnificent. It is the result of many people working incredibly hard all the time. I don't think we should take that for granted.

No translation will ever be perfect. Human beings are not perfect, we all have biases and our own interpretations and reactions to media. Our relationships to stories are personal. This includes translators.

I disagree with the official translator on a few things, particularly in regards to characterization. But I don’t think that ruins the official release, and I don’t think anyone should shun or scorn it on the whole. We should engage curiously and thoughtfully about why it is the way it is, and what else can be gleaned from the original text.

Having said all that, you actually inspired me to do a little series examining the wins and losses of the official release, so please look forward to that.

[lillotte17]

I just woke up, so good morning, let me see if I can string any words together in a coherent pattern. This has actually been on my mind for weeks. Slowly driving me insane.

200 years. Two. Hundred. Years. 2 HUNDRED years.

That amount of time is literally incomprehensible to us in terms of personal memories and trauma. We can barely remember anything collectively as a species for that amount of time without losing bits and pieces of it. It is more than 2/3 of the time that Astarion has been alive. Well, "alive."

I am currently in my mid thirties, it would be like if I had died when I was 7 or 8 years old and then had to try and remember everything about my personality and my family and my morality from that time period. I do remember it, of course, but a lot of it is pretty vague. A lot of things that I know happened, or that I know I did, I remember because there are other people in my life who knew me then. Astarion wasn't a child, of course, but time still has it's way with things, and there is no one in his life he knew from before he became a vampire, with the possible exception of Cazador, and he's hardly a reliable source of information. Trauma also damages memories, and he has spent more that 2/3 of his life being constantly starved and beaten, and abused in pretty much every possible way a person can be.

The main point being that it is simply not possible to make any firm assumptions about the kind of person Astarion was before he was turned. Maybe he was a horrible, power-hungry, back room dealing, lying, racist, POS trash-man who deserved what he got when that group of thugs jumped him. Maybe he was kind underneath all his bluster, and had a strong sense of justice, and he was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Most likely, he was something in between. But we can't know. And Astarion probably doesn't really know anymore either.

(I firmly believe that Cazador chose him specifically to be a spawn, and possibly even orchestrated the attack on Astarion. They might not even have really been Gur. Astarion would only have Cazador to rely on for confirmation about what really happened to him that night, and having a culture of people who hunt monsters and were likely already targeting Cazador himself be the same group that murdered Astarion seems pretty mmmm convenient.)

And for all that he is a chaos gremlin, prickly rat-bastard, dumpster fire of a man, it is honestly pretty astounding (and rewarding imo) just how much growth he can have over the course of the game, which is only a few months, tops. (assuming, of course, that you are playing a good aligned Tav/Durge) But even before that, after the first night he tries to bite you, he is the one who immediately promises that he's not going to feed from innocents, with no prompting at all from the player. He doesn't ask to keep feeding from your PC, and he only drinks from you if you offer it. (unless you direct him to in a fight, I guess, lol) That feels huge to me. He has been STARVING for 200 years. Part of being a vampire is that he's always kind of starving, but he doesn't want to be a slave to that hunger any more than he wants to be a slave to anything or anyone else.

I'm not saying that he's secretly a good man deep down, but even from the start, the potential for him to be better was already there. Which is AMAZING because, as I said earlier: TWO HUNDRED YEARS.

Like, imagine that you know absolutely nothing about yourself except misery and torture and losing things, and it fucks you up, and you KNOW it's fucked you up, and you are terrified that one wrong move could send you back to the place that you just escaped from, and you still say, "I'm still not going to attack the innocent people around me for no reason, though. Sure, I might laugh if they manage to get themselves killed in an amusing way, but it's not going to be my fault."

[rita-repulsa-ke]

a tentative peace

"You can't run from Death forever, Agatha."

"You know, when other people say that, they're generally just revealing themselves to be weak cowards, willing to accept being the toy of higher powers. And then there's you, my obsessed stalker."

"It's still true. When they say it, when I say it. Death comes for everyone in the end."

"The end?! Try every other day! I'd love to see Death the way other mortals do, exactly one time. Instead, I have to deal with you popping up every time I turn my head."

"You love seeing me. You love me. You adore me."

"Ha! I want to never, ever see your face again. But you know what, Rio? I'd settle for this. When I die, you can come and get me. Until then, I'd like to stop running from Death. I'd like to be able to do other things, without my psychopathic ex-girlfriend showing up every few days to try and ruin my life."

"Hey, you admitted I'm your girlfriend."

"Ex!"

"That's still something, for you. You know I'm not going anywhere, Agatha. I'll be with you forever."

"Then I can and I will run forever, if I have to."

"You were going to anyway. You were always afraid of what I am. That was part of the thrill, wasn't it?"

"Yes, Rio, I was always going to run from Death. The difference now is that I want to run from you."

"…Ags…"

"What? We can still fix this? I still love you? Or is this one of those days when you get fed up and try to kill me? We both know you can't! It isn't my time, it would be a defiance of the natural order, that concept you love more than you ever loved me—"

"I gave you more than I have ever given—"

"You gave me nothing!"

"…Maybe today is one of those days when I try to kill you."

"Good. Suits me."

"…"

"Well? Come on then. You can at least get a few good hits in and maybe so can I. I've been working on a new spell—"

"Tell me about it?"

"About the spell I'm going to use to try and cause you paroxysms of anguish?"

"Yes. Did you invent it?"

"Yes—well, technically no, it's modified from a tome by one of the older Sorcerer Supremes, but the way she wrote was so incomprehensible that it's like the way people used to write recipes, no measurements, more of a guide than anything, so I had to adapt quite heavily and then it's meant to work on spirits, not whatever you are, but I think I've got a version that should be generally applicable to all supernatural—hey. Aren't we supposed to be fighting to the near-death?"

"I like listening to you talk about it, though."

"…Ugh. Gross."

"I mean, do we have to?"

"Have to what?"

"Fight today. Can't you just finish telling me about your spell of unbelievable agony and then get distracted by realizing there's a way to do it better or differently, like you always do?"

"…I do not always do that."

"No. Only most of the time."

"…Fine. Just this once, though. I don't want this to become a habit. And only because it is a really interesting spell."

"…You're going to try it on me when you think I'm not paying attention, aren't you?"

"Probably. I mean, what's the point of having invented it if I don't get to try it out?"

"All right. I'll even let you. But you have to sit down and finish telling me about it first."

"It's not really fun if you let me."

"I'll pretend to act shocked by your sudden, completely unexpected betrayal?"

"Are you any good at acting?"

"I'm great at it. I act human all the time."

"Yes, but you're terrible at that."

"What?!"

"When was the last time you took a breath?"

"…Oh. I forgot again. I can't believe you all have to do that constantly."

"You see what I mean?"

"Well, if you time it right, I really will be surprised to suddenly go from pleasant conversation to—not yet!"

"No? But you were just getting lulled into a false sense of security."

"Too early. Your timings all wrong."

"It isn't and you know it. You just don't want this to end."

"…I don't. A little more? Please?"

"Sure. Where was I? The Sorcerer Supreme's instructions. So I took the general guidelines of what she'd written, which was a really interesting treatise on torturing spirits, she was not one of the nicer people to hold that position and—spiritus coruscent!"

"Oh look, betrayal."

"…That isn't hurting you, huh?"

"Doesn't seem to be. Very pretty effect, though. All these little sparkles."

"Where did I go wrong…"

"Hey, Agatha."

"Mm?"

"You know what does hurt?"

"What? Oh, yes, I see, you have a knife. Very original."

"It gets the point across. …Get it?"

"…I'm sorry every day that I ever taught you what a pun was."

"You're about to be sorry for more than that."

"Wait, wait, wait!"

"Why?"

"…Help me diagnose what went wrong with the spell first?"

"The agony-inducing spell?"

"That's the one."

"So you can make sure it induces agony on me next time?"

"Yes—hey, there's no need for that! I have organs there!"

"You'll heal. I promise. It isn't your time, remember?"

"But consider—if you help me fix the spell, you get to sit around and watch me tinker with magic instead of us trying to kill each other. Wouldn't that be better?"

"…Okay."

"Good. Great. That's settled then. And no one even had to get stabbed."

"You know you're such a coward when you're losing?"

"What makes you think I'm losing?"

"…what?"

"Nothing. Now, going back to first principles—"

Go read the Ritual of the Rose, now up to Chapter 3, for more Agatha/Rio ex-girlfriend shenanigans or The Present for something angstier

[tiny-space-whale]

I know this isn't a novel concept, but I dont recall ever hearing it framed this way:

I think, like climate change, our society has shifted suicide prevention to an individual responsibility when the causes are systemic. Like, maybe more people would want to keep existing if we weren't constantly making it miserable to do so.

My survival is tied to my accumulation of a made-up number. I have to give a large portion of that number to people who already have an incomprehensibly big number, just for the privelege of staying alive and existing somewhere that isn't a tent or a prison. In order to make the number go up, I have to perform labor, at great cost to my time, energy, mental faculties, stress levels, life expectancy, to name a few things (all of which are Real Things and NOT made-up like the number is). For access to a method of getting to the place where I'm allowed to sacrifice myself to make the go up, it has to go down first (sometimes unpredictably, like if my car breaks down or if I get a parking ticket, which is another source of stress). And if I'm lucky I'll end up with a bit extra so I can choose between spending time at some special place of fun or relaxation where they will lock me up or threaten me with force if I do not make my number go down while I am there (which I try not to think about while having fun or relaxing).

My point is that it's just like how the narrative shifted to making the individual person the problem with trash and pollution. That YOU'RE at fault and YOU need to fix it. Recycle. Don't leave your car idling. Unplug your phone charger. Buy an EV. Never mind that 90% of carbon emissions come from 90 corporations. Never mind that the majority of ocean trash is commercial fishing industry waste.

They've done the same thing with mental health. So it's YOUR responsibility to get help about what's wrong with YOUR brain that makes you feel this way. When the reason so many of us are sick of existing is because it simply is not enjoyable to continue doing so under these conditions. And the conditions are a systemic issue that those with power to fix... don't.

If they don't end the state of misery soon, I will.

[milkdreamspecialmix]

first up on not filtering myself i want to talk about how much i adore how the nations have gone from relative anonymity in the public eye to canonically being used as primary sources by historians and caught by paparazzi press conferences asking about their opinions of each other (which is insane and i love it). i remember a particular segment in which a couple, presumably from the early 20th century iirc, talks about france in particular and the loneliness of immortality, with the couple eventually coming to the conclusion that a mortal life with one another is far better than a long life lived alone (or so they think, the human perception of nationhood is probably very warped because it’s mostly incomprehensible). the only reason they knew of him was because that dude’s ancestors had known about a man that didn’t age, but it wasn’t a “big deal” or a headliner or whatever. it just came and went, life goes on. or maybe nationhood used to be such a bizarre old wives tale that some thought it was horseshit. unless you were high ranking military you may not have ever met one and known it anyway.

it must be really weird to have gone from being akin to a cryptid, hiding in plain sight and constantly renewing official documents and such just so they can go to the liquor store or whatever to being celebrities, sometimes even chased by groups of people for photos and opinions. this is why i really like the relatively new in-canon nation memes on here, they’re so real lol. i think there might be a great deal of corruption in the way people perceive them too which i won’t discuss past scraping the surface.

i just think it’s hilarious to think of modern day alt right nimrods using nations to satisfy their weird insecurities and patriotism, as if they are representational of every weird ass traditional belief about masculinity or race or sexuality you can think of but in reality their fav is a total homo and a humanitarian and the exact opposite embodiment of their own morals in nearly every way. i know nations are technically representational of all citizens good and bad, but that’s too much for me to conceive of right now. we know alfred was about as torn between the last presidential election as americans were perceived to be (any incidents of the hot topic of voter fraud aside), so i’m certainly not trying to paint them all as perfect “blorbos” who can do no wrong and are only representational of my own beliefs or whatever. it goes without saying that the vast majority of them could be considered some type of war criminal. but i also think that’s why their modern day existence is really interesting.

without going too into it, and despite the many shortcomings humans face, most can agree that the world has seen many improvements in recent years, and i think that also represents a shift in the way nations think too. we don’t know exactly how much people influence nations versus how nations influence their people, but i believe it was france who also referred to nations as the vessel and citizens as the passengers. they are a nation bound by their people but they’re also a human with a great deal of free will. i’ll stop here though, i know it can get touchy when we fly a bit too close to the parallels of real human experiences and a bunch of fictional immortal idiots. steering clear of any modern world issue that is anything but amusing and light under the context of this series is wise for obvious reasons

back on the subject of the in-universe nation memes, i’ve thought of making art from the perspective of some weirdo that takes really shitty photos of nations in the wild for social media or whatever (nations, they’re just like us kind of shit). i think it’s neat to think of nations having to avoid the public after being able to hide within it for so long

most folks seem to just shrug at their existence, so maybe their now well known status wouldn’t get in the way of most cultural practices. i get the jist that most people seem to think of them as an anomaly and not necessarily related to spirituality in any way, but i could also see a small subset of pagan folks maybe deifying certain nations too (kemetic, nordic, hellenic, etc.). or maybe it’s a checkmate atheists kind of moment for mortals using nations as proof (or not proof) of god(s) or whatever else. they are practically gods themselves, but i have doubts that most of their superhuman abilities are documented or are anything but rumor and speculation (ie “i hear they can teleport!” and i have an entire ass opinion on that ability in particular) so do most chums think they’re just immortal but with no frills attached? like sure they can come back from the dead but they’re lame and tame tax-paying members of society, or “glorified secretaries” as i once heard someone say. you think government interns froth at the teeth at a chance to work with one just for the anti-aging benefits alone, even at the risk of going a little insane with enough exposure?

i feel like people must constantly pester them about conspiracy theories too. alfred is on hot ones or eric andre getting asked if aliens exist and wtf does he say? he can do whatever the fuck he wants so he’s probably like yeah dude they’re chill lmao and the internet loses their minds. some old crusty nation like england or china gets trapped on a set with philomena cunk for funsies only to be asked about the most inane thing imaginable (several people have made this joke and i really like to think it would happen irl. she got first dibs on those interviews fr)

i think this is also a pretty widely accepted idea but i like to think this all has opened a lot of doors for uh, “nation rights”. like i’ll bet modern day OT and labor laws keep some governments from blurring the lines of overworking someone who isn’t technically or completely human. they’ve probably all got many years of PTO accumulated by now. more world peace relative to the past allows many nations to freely live with those who they want and when they want instead of being forced to live with another due to politics (which may be less common in the modern age, i wonder). sweden adopting ladonia and sealand is another example of a more normal nation life one could hope to live. this shit keeps me up at night but you literally cannot convince anyone that you’re not insane if you tell them this is why you love this series

[curedeity]

It’s anniversary day!!!!!!!!!! It’s anniversary day!!!!!!! Gonna put a readmore here because its gonna be a long post.

If I’m being honest, I’m struggling to feel like celebrating today. While this year has been amazing, its also taught me that I’m not ready for a lot of things, and these last few months especially I’ve struggled to be happy with what I create.

But I don’t want that to stop me from celebrating what I’ve already accomplished, because my god, I have fucking written!

So, to start, just wanna shoutout all the friends I’ve made over the past year! Yall are amazing, awesome, incredible, showstopping---I’ve learned the wonders of online friendship, at long last.

Second, I wanna shoutout Bladies Week! This was an event week I hosted celebrating the women of beyblade, and I wanna thank everyone who participated with me! That week was... rough... but seeing other people contribute was the highlight of it, every time! If you havent checked out the bladiesweek tag to see that art, I dunno what to tell you, it’s amazing! The fact anyone else participated with me is something I cherish

Third, I wanna mention Fanfic Friday! It’s a weekly event each Friday where I draw art of other beyblade fanfics, and everyone is welcome to participate by doing the same or going and commenting on a fic! I have lots of ideas to continue with for this day, and I’ve been really enjoying it!

On that note, it’s onto the main event! Fanfic!

As of two years on ao3, I have 471,878 published words. Just so you understand, 50,000 words counts as a novella for nanowrimo, I have written a whole lot. A loooooot. It’s kinda incomprehensible to me, tbh.

I have 115 published fics total.

55 of those fics are Beyblade fics. I’m going to be honest, I probably need to create a collection for some of my shorter fics, just so people dont get the wrong impression of what I normally publish. The length of my fics has gone up the past year, by quite a lot, and there are tons of fics from this year I can shout. The Hikaru’s Adoption Agenda series was all this year, and I also have last years Mayblade that still falls in. I would like to specifically shoutout my Bladies Week submissions though, specifically Hikaru’s, Mei-Mei’s, Sophie’s, and Ren and Maru’s.

Aquario’s Cracked Fist is 3,142 words long, and Hikaru’s focus fic. Hikaru was probably the character I was most comfortable writing, and it shows in the ideas I’ll explore with her. I don’t know how to describe this fic without some spoilers, but it focuses on Hikaru’s trauma and how violence intersects with her thoughts.

When We All Fall is 6,036 words long, and it’s Mei-Mei’s focus fic. Honestly, the premise of this fic is super simple: I throw Mei-Mei off a cliff. It’s hopefully structured a bit like a shonen episode, where we focus on one hurt character having to survive alone and make their way back to the group. I really enjoyed drawing on those structures and tropes to write a story centered around Mei-Mei! 

Cetus Bouquet is 8,337 words long, and Sophie’s focus fic. This fic is about me trying to narratively write all the things I get to learn in gender studies classes. I’m just quite proud of the dynamics I wrote in this fic. Sophie is a very charismatic character to write, in a way, she has this sort of gravity and confidence that I wanna explore more.

Stolen Rivalry is 9,018 words long and the fic focused on Maru and Ren. This fic honors my brand of “why don’t I try to narrativize the sexist attitude of the show and my critique of it.” Focusing on Shogun Steel, I really tried to dig into how this show makes me feel, as a woman, and how Ren and Mau would react to the sexism Ren constantly experiences. You don’t need to read any other fic I’ve written to understand it, and it only deals with the first half of Shogun Steel (up to Ren vs Takanosuke actually, but you wont be fully pissed at the show until Ren vs Sakyo).

Beyblade is probably my main fandom at this point, and I’m very proud of so, so, so many of the works I’ve written for it. I have... a lot to say about future fanfics for this fandom, but right now, I’m going to celebrate what I’ve done.

Onto Pretty Cure, my other main fandom! I have 20 Precure fics written in total, and most of them focus on Futari Wa. I’m always happy to have a Precure fanfic idea, the reception I receive is always quite nice, but I wanna focus on my big project in that fandom right now.

Watashi Wa Pretty Cure! Seed is a Futari Wa spinoff focusing on Misumi Ryota (Nagisa’s little sibling) and is probably a fancure season at this point. It’s about Ryota becoming a Pretty Cure, discovering her gender, and having to care about life. It currently has 3 published chapters (I’m halfway through writing the fourth) at 20,909 words.

I’d just like to thank the warm reception this series has received, from the art and designs I made to the fic itself. Its really hard to get people interested in a fancure series, I think, so I’m very grateful to all the attention my series has gotten, and I hope I don’t disappoint!

I don’t have many published Madoka Magica fics, only 4, but that’s because Madoka Magica fics are some of my favorites and hardest to write. I really try to lean into stylism in these fics, and I want them to present an idea.

Once I Was Her was probably my favorite fic to write in this fandom, coming in at 3,553 words. It’s a post-rebellion Madoka focused fic dealing with the possible fallout of her tearing. I’m still so proud whenever I think of this fic, being able to actually stretch my wings as a writer always makes me feel good.

Also, quick apology to the Winx Fandom.... I’m sorry I do wanna finish Daphne’s Ascension! Someday, probably.

But, basically, I’ve really doubled down on my fanfic writing this year, and I’m so proud of a lot of the pieces I’ve put out. I’m really glad I came back to fanfic, as it gives me a new way to interact with the fandoms I’m in and contribute. I hope you’ve all enjoyed reading my fanfic, because getting to know people like my fanfic... well... it means a lot. I love getting to see that people like something I’ve done.

Thank you if you read all this self-indulgent post, art will be coming soon, I’ll try to finish up a fanfic for today, and thanks for sticking around! I’m honestly surprised any non-beyblade follower stuck around after the ask games-

[perpetual-fool]

I may have solved it.

Without an explanation for others' incomprehensible behavior I could only conclude that I must be innately evil. And I have concluded that the explanation is self-deception.

I think this is what happened: My original sin is cleverness. I see things other people don't and come to unconventional conclusions. When I share these conclusions, or when I attempt to communicate generally, people get upset with me. Thus I conclude I must be stupid and/or evil. However, my default assumption is that I must be wrong because I have no sense of self-worth, because others have been perpetually upset with me my whole life. Since I assume I'm wrong I make up reasons to justify that, generally this has been "I should have been able to figure out the thing they're upset about". E.g. "I should've known not to say that" or "I should've known what she meant". Others, on the other hand, have had the luxury of acceptance. They will have had conventional views/behavior, been praised for it, developed a sense of self-worth, and made up reasons why they deserve that worth. Hypothetically, they believe they have value because they believe the correct things. Then I say something which inadvertently challenges that reason, such as "how do you know that that's true?". Then the lie. Since their default is to assume they're right, they only need plausibility. So they come up with an excuse, possibly built on a fallacy, such as "everybody knows that's true". At this point the interaction is already in a death spiral. I, whose default is to assume I must be wrong, accept no justification short of the scientific method. And I recognize that it's practical to cut the process short for many reasons, they have just told me 'people believing a thing makes it true'. That's going to prompt more questions, which will beget more excuses. Alternatively, I say something they don't understand or ask a question they don't know the answer to. Instead of admitting they don't know, they decide I must have meant something I didn't say. In this case their response is completely non sequitur and they flew the conversation straight into the ground themselves. And of course this would reinforce the belief that I am wrong and worthless.

So yeah, I'm honest with myself in a way others are not because I've been treated like shit my whole life.

And possibly no one who hasn't gone through the same crucible I have is capable of genuine communication.

The immediate change doesn't seem profound. I don't feel like everything's suddenly okay or that scales have fallen from my eyes or anything. Things seem less urgent, so maybe now I can get sleep or rest when I need it. The negative self-talk hasn't stopped, but I can talk myself down from it. Tonight (last night) it was calling me stupid for not being able to figure out what grade of air filter the AC unit is designed for. And I should be able to talk my self down from traumatic memories, like that time in college when I was singing to myself as a coping mechanism and didn't realize other people could hear me until I got yelled at through the wall. I was overwhelmed by constantly being around people to begin with so finding out my private time wasn't private made that exponentially worse. But I'm feeling neutral. Better, not 'good'. I'd say I feel lost, but I'm kind of not feeling anything. Like the negative feelings are colliding with positive ones and popping into nonexistence. I can't even be properly wistful. I had the misfortune to be born as the enemy, despite everything I still wish we could've parted as friends. Yet, it doesn't seem to matter either way. Hope and despair averaged out to apathy.

Am I supposed to be feeling some kind of way about things? Would it matter if I was? probably not. I dunno, I've spent a whole day trying to put words to it and I can't figure it out. This doesn't seem right.

[nicolespeaks]

The unfairness and inconsistency is bold. I disagree with it so strongly and that's all I try to make him understand.

Yes I had sex with Marcus without a condom. I still got condoms, asked for permission to have sex. I was still trying to be respectful to him. I always respected him.

He's never let Markus go and he's punished me for it. I can't make things bigger than they are and take reality but he can. He brought his feelings into it instead of just letting go. I felt shamed. I felt insecure in my sexuality. I felt like it was wrong to feel good by any other man but him. It was forceful. It was wrong.

On top of all of his other sexual problems, I was fucked up good by him. He says sex is just sex for people to get off but I can't get off anyone other than him. I've forced myself into a state where I don't feel good from sex, I forcefully detach myself in respect to him. Yet the sex he has isn't a big deal, it's just sex.

Out of respect of myself, I have to block that off with him. In order to move forward, I have to keep myself separated from him in some way. I get a little frustrated, I don't feel like having sex with him at all. I don't want to give him that.

He says things weren't that bad and I distort my perspective to make myself more miserable. Yes, I do do that sometimes, but I know when something is fucked up and incomprehensible for me that I have no choice but to distort my perspective.

I was loyal and respectful and I made myself pure to not become a slut cause I didn't want him to not like me anymore. I worshipped him and gave him everything he wanted yet he constantly stopped and shamed me for wanting the same. I can't have emotional connection with sex but he can. He says it's different for men, why? Why is that more valid for him than it is for me? And he wants me to get over my feelings and stop being hurt over old shit, but he doesn't have to do the same?

He is not respectful towards me. He's never respected sex with me, I never felt respected. How can I move forward and strive to be me, when I sacrifice a part of myself with a person who doesn't respect me? Why would I allow myself to be in those conditions?

I can't cheat. I can't lie. I can't hide things from him. I can't go backwards and make mistakes in vengeance. I can only move on, as that's the better thing to do. I can only be myself and forgive him for treating me unfairly, and I can only block him from this part of myself as he doesn't deserve to see that part of me.

I can't not talk about sex with ish. I cannot bring him into the room. Im keeping it locked and I won't unlock it until I feel right to do so. And that's valid. That's respectful to myself.

Sex. My mental health. My trauma. Those are the doors I need to keep locked, so only I know what's inside. And I will not let him push me into unlocking that door.

And I'll be better in myself. I won't be condescending. I won't be unloving. I want punish him, beat him down with my words and actions. I won't hold this against him and our relationship. That's not kind. That's not me. I won't treat him lesser than me. I won't hurt him because I feel hurt.

These are the boundaries I can rightly have. This is the care I can give to myself. And I'm string to do that. I'm beautiful to love myself this way.

We seem very similar me and her. We have the same thoughts and ideas about things, and we have the opposite thoughts and ideas about things. She's done things to hurt me. She's never apologized, never admitted wrong. She may seem cool but she's not a kind person to have in my life.

And I can lock her out to. It feels scary, it feels difficult, but I can do it. I don't have to keep opening the door hoping she'll come inside. I don't have to peel like a mouse at her door to figure out how I should make my room. I don't have to do that. I don't need to do that. I can dislike Her. I can blame her for the things she's done. I can hold her accountable for her mistakes. I don't have to pin everything against me and ish because I find her similar or I have issues. She's a person just like me, just like everyone to me, and I can treat her like that.

Keeping her out is harder because the pain is different. The mountain of trauma. But I can't push the door closed. I'm strong, I can do it. And once it's closed, she's out forever. I don't have to let her hurt me anymore.

Ish is a good man. He also has his flaws and mistakes. I am a beautiful woman. I have my flaws and mistakes. We can't be perfect. We won't be perfect. We are human and this is life. Trying to be perfect is inhumane and redundant against all our natural drives as human beings. I can be human. He can be human. And that's the only thing we can be.

[thoughts-squared]

I get a great feeling that this (and jesus Christ being savior) is ALL bullshit and has no real significant meaning. If it were significant it would not be in a coded language. It would not need studying, explaining, or a degree in theosophy. I think the truths are simple and just as salt was once worth more 2,000 years ago than it is today i believe simple truths taken for granted today were worth more 2,000 years ago. Knowledge is power and knowledge was suppressed many years ago and none of this gobble-d-gook is literal. Imagination and faith is a driving force and those things are not a fixed thing. Imagination constantly shifts. God is not fixed and yet is? We get contradictory texts about god. The brain is a lot like God in that we have limitless power with imagination- we can be anywhere at any time past or future with imagination- we use imagination to create- some are more creative than others- some are more godly than others…im not sure where im going with this but religious texts are fairly incomprehensible/illogical as well so give me some credit at least for expressing at least partially what ive been thinking….i don’t believe in any 1 religion. There are many that get some things right and some wrong. I dont believe in reincarnation. I believe we live on through our offspring/nieces/nephews- in that way we pass on more than DNA- we pass on talents, latent memories/feelings. Its cause we pass on parts of ourselves through family that ppl believe ij reincarnation when it doesn’t exist. Kabbalh only serves to try and label different levels of thought. Its a map of the brain for the spirit. All ancient teachings deserve a modern day translation in plain English for the every day man but i feel many ppl know these truths intrinsically if they’re a thoughtful human being

[darkpoisonouslove]

I posted 4,288 times in 2022

588 posts created (14%)

3,700 posts reblogged (86%)

I tagged 4,276 of my posts in 2022

#winx club - 776 posts

#once upon a time - 346 posts

#ouat - 346 posts

#fanart - 337 posts

#ask - 244 posts

#me af - 213 posts

#quote - 206 posts

#anon - 202 posts

#scooby doo - 201 posts

#writing - 174 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#“you should go to that place that you don't even want to think about and i'll come with you bc you have to do everything to find your girl”

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Daphne and Domino's Revival

I am so tired of all the complaining about Daphne being brought back to life that is going on in this fandom. Some of the takes I have seen are just fucking outrageous in how utterly wrong they are. And no, I don't like what they did with Daphne's resurrection but to complain that it was a wrong choice or one devoid of potential is incomprehensible to me. The fault lies elsewhere but I'll get to that, too.

60 notes - Posted March 2, 2022

#4

Griffin: Why do I keep you around?

Faragonda: Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own.

67 notes - Posted January 29, 2022

#3

Icy going "if your skirt shrinks any more, you'd be in trouble" @ Bloom in 3x05 sure sounds like she's mad because Bloom's short skirt is distracting her. Just saying.

80 notes - Posted April 22, 2022

#2

Someone had to pick out dragon eggs for Alicent's children and we know that Viserys doesn't care about them. He seemed excited about Aegon at first but even for the son he was expecting from Aemma he didn't pick a dragon egg himself. He left it to Rhaenyra. I can see him asking Alicent and Rhaenyra to pick one together in hopes that it will make Rhaenyra excited about having a sibling but she clearly wasn't thrilled at the prospect so in the end Alicent probably had to pick the dragon eggs for all of her children on her own, with help only from the dragon tamers. So Alicent, who's been scared of dragons all along, would have done her best to learn about dragons so that she can pick the perfect egg for each of her children. I am ✨emotion✨.

80 notes - Posted October 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I was watching The Scene in 1x07 again because I'm obsessed and it's so obvious that Viserys has no idea how to parent. The only way he can think of making his kids, his family, do what he wants is to throw around his title as king. He does it when he questions Aemond and he later does it when he's "appealing" to - actually ordering - everyone to get along. He's constantly trying to use his political power in a family matter because he's just so powerless in this situation otherwise. No one is listening to him.

117 notes - Posted October 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[iloveschiaparelli]

Honestly I don't really perceive it as an insult most of the time. At least, not a known one. The reason why I get upset about it is not because it indicates that they think it's a negative thing—which is upsetting sometimes—but because it's a form of resistance. They are hearing me say "I am autistic" and choosing to argue with me "but you don't look autistic!" because they don't believe me.

I think this stems from a few things. One of which being the misconception that autism and other mental disorders are obvious. They aren't! It is easier to tell if someone experiences a mental illness or mental disability when you yourself have experienced the same one, but easier ≠ easy. If someone tried to tell you "I don't have an arm" while holding a mug with two hands, attached to two normal-looking arms, you could easily call that out as false. But even when kids get sick with the cold or flu, or girls/women get sick on their period, we (society) try to make judgements on whether they're really inhibited from doing daily tasks, based on sight and sound alone. It is. Literally impossible. To look at a photograph of someone engaging in a normal task. And be able to tell if they are experiencing a mental illness or disability. That is the nature of "mental" illnesses. "Mental" disabilities.

I also think, relating back to adults telling kids "you're not sick!", that society has a general issue with not accepting individuals as authoritative sources about what is going on in their own bodies. When I was dealing with severe depression symptoms and ADHD symptoms during my senior year of high school, right before I got my first diagnosis (ever, for anything!), I remember having to convince my father that something was wrong with me—that I wasn't just slacking off of schoolwork because I was lazy. The phrase I used constantly was "I live in my body." It became a mantra that I would mutter to myself at night to remind myself that I wasn't crazy for knowing that something was wrong with me, even if I didn't know what it was. (This was also around the first time I began to question if it was possible I was autistic. Or queer.) The people around me who were supposed to know me best, who knew better than anyone how I pretty much never tell a lie (honest/rule-following autistics wya), had so much difficulty believing that I was telling the truth about my body that I myself began to question if I was making sound judgement about the state of my body, to the point that I had to remind myself of the self-evident truth that I am the first and only perspective on what is going on in my body, not anyone else.

When I tell someone I'm autistic, and their reaction is to say "you don't look/seem autistic!" it tells me two things. It tells me 1) That they subscribe to the frankly ludicrous and incomprehensible idea that an invisible disability would be visible and 2) That they hear me—either a complete stranger or someone they know well enough to know that I don't lie—make a statement about my own body, and are ridiculous enough to consider themselves a higher authority than me to make a judgement or have knowledge about my disability.

And how dare you, a stranger to my life with no knowledge about what I've been through, nor who has any significant education of the subject nor has any way of gleaning any information about the subject aside from me telling you so, try to tell me about my disability. It's one thing to be surprised. It's completely another thing to talk like there's a possibility that what I just said is untrue.

If you are just hearing for the first time that I'm autistic, then you are neither A) close enough to me to have an opinion nor B) a doctor with an idea of my medical history with whom I am having a discussion about my autism. The only other exception would be medical professionals who I am informing for the first time as part of setting up a recurring relationship.

So actually yeah, I guess I do get insulted? But more because I feel like the other person has severely overstepped their boundaries, not because I feel like they're saying that autism is a bad thing or that it's comforting.

Don’t know if this is an original take but the reason nt people will say “But you don’t look autistic” is because they think it’s a compliment. Like they think for some reason that you saying you’re autistic means that you’re upset about it. And they only think you’re upset about it because they assume you are because they themselves would be upset if they were autistic. But that’s because they know what it’s like to be nt so they have some frame of reference for what their life would be like if they weren’t nt. But because we don’t have that frame of reference it comes off as an insult to us (which it is btw, im not trying to excuse that kind of behavior)

[helliontherapscallion]

Anon who’s dog had a seizure. I wanted to be able to give a positive update, but I won’t be able to. I was woken up by a call at around 1:30am from my mom and the first thing she said was “[my dogs name] died”

I don’t know all the details, I was in a full fledge panic attack and was overcome with despair when it was either explained to me or I overheard (frankly, I don’t remember) but apparently at some point either last night or veryyyyy early this morning my mom let the dog out to use the restroom, and he collapsed again similarly to how he did two days ago. My mom rushed him to the emergency vet (a thirty minute drive) but he didn’t even make it there.

I think I was dry heaving at some point because my panic was so bad. I ended up going to the vet with my dad so I could say goodbye (he had before my mom left with the dog) and ngl, going with him did not help in the slightest. My dad has NPD and he kept making the situation about himself and I stg I was ready to throw myself out the car window in the middle of the freeway and walk the rest of the way there OOP—

I was afraid we wouldn’t be able to because of Covid, but we were allowed to all head into the vet and hold him and give proper goodbyes before they took him to be cremated (they have a partnership with some place that does all that jazz). It was rough. He’s a small dog, only 18 pounds, but just holding him felt so different. There was no resistance when I picked him up (I’m not his favorite person lol, so he’d always deadpan and shuffle away a little from me before giving in whenever i’d make grabby hands hahaha) and it was just rough.

A year and a half ago my old bird passed away in that same emergency vet, so I just felt like I was suffocating the whole time. It was basically history repeating itself and I had a ✨mental breakdown✨ while cradling the pooch. My mom almost had to drag me out 2.5 hours later because I didn’t want to leave him. I tried to be strong, he was her dog in the end and they had an unbreakable bond. I should’ve been the one comforting her, not the other way around. I totally failed lol.

Thank god I was able to go home with my mom and not my dad. I wanted to be the one to drive home so she could rest, but I didn’t have the energy to protest when I saw she was already in the drivers seat.

We’ve had him since he was a few months old. I was in first grade at the time, and despite us having a very rocky start (young me didn’t like all the attention he received bc it used to be mine) he was my lil buddy and I would have done anything for him. I was looking forward to taking my senior and graduation pictures with him soon, but it seems like that won’t be happening. I just wish I did more with him.

Sorry for rambling and being so depressing! I haven’t gotten much sleep over the past two nights so I’m really out of it.

If it’s not too much to ask for, could I have a part ii of my previous request but have it involving what I wrote above? Asdfghjkl my depressed ass needs comfort and all of my friends are in school LOL. (Thank god I was called off from school this time) Plus, I don’t wanna make my mom feel worse by adding my grief on top of her own (I hope that made sense)

Part 1

(A/N): anon, I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. From what you sent me about him, he sounded like an absolute delight to be around and a very good boy. You deserve to grieve too, even if you don’t think you should. Grieving is healthy and it’s something that shouldn’t be ignored. Everyone grieves differently, so maybe you and your mom could reminisce on the good times with him? Only if you both feel comfortable doing so of course. Please get some sleep, drink plenty of water, and eat some food if you haven’t already. My DMs are always open if you ever want to talk <3

Warnings: death of a dog and bird (mentioned), panic attacks, NPD parent mention

You were jolted awake by a loud ring from your phone laying on your nightstand. It was the ringtone you specifically set for your mom. Blinking deliriously, you answered with a raspy, “mom?”

You were only met with her choked sobs on the other end. This woke you up completely as you turned on a lamp and sat up fully in your bed, “mom what’s wrong?”

“(Dog name)...” She was unable to say your dog's name before she broke into more harsh sobbing. Worry and fear pricked your gut at the mention of your dog’s name. “What about (dog name)? What’s going on?”

“He d-died, (y/n). He isn’t suffering anymore.” You felt as if ice cold water was poured onto you as you sat staring at the wall in shock. Faintly you heard your mom telling you how it happened, but you didn’t register her words. The words that came out of your mother’s mouth were nearly incomprehensible anyways due to her distress. You didn’t know when she hung up, but the next time you looked at the phone screen your homescreen met you: a picture of you, Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy at an amusement park. 

Your panic attack had escalated to you dry heaving over the toilet after puking up your dinner. You felt like you were suffocating as you remembered the techniques Techno used a few days prior. You stumbled up from a crouch and scrambled over to the sink. Your hands could barely grab the faucet and turn it on as you lost most of your sense of spatial awareness and everything you touched felt distant, like every single synapse in your body was both simultaneously working in overdrive and failing at the same time. The water was as cold as it was going to get, so you plunged your hands into the liquid and felt your body jolt at the temperature. After a while, your hands turned numb after regaining some senses back so you shakily cupped your hands under the faucet and gathered water into your hands. You splashed it at your face and felt yourself becoming more grounded as time passed.

By the time you left the bathroom, your dad gathered you into the car and started to drive you to the emergency vet. The entire time he was ranting about how you needed to pull yourself together because the dog was closer to him than to you. That definitely did not help in any way, it made you want to jump out of the car and walk the rest of the way to the vet. It would be better than having someone constantly belittling you for grieving. The ride was hell, but you persevered for (dog name). You needed to say goodbye to him.

When you left the car and walked into the building, it felt as if you were walking through the nine rings of hell with blazing infernos licking at your skin with every step. Dread and despair filled and overwhelmed you with every step. 

When a nurse escorted you to the room, she offered you her condolences and left you to say goodbye. With wide eyes, you slowly walked over to your mom and saw the motionless bundle of fur in her hands. It looked like he was sleeping, but you knew better. She looked at you with so much heartbreak and sadness as tears slipped down her cheeks that you remembered that he was her dog in the end and they’ve always had an unbreakable bond. You needed to be strong for her.

Your stony facade broke the second your mom handed you (dog name). He was cold and stiff as he laid unmoving in your arms, not even trying to wiggle out of your embrace like he always did. You were never his favorite person. He felt so… different. So wrong. 

Time passed around you as you held him and cried into his fur. This situation was very similar to your previous one that happened about a year and a half ago when your bird passed away and that was what finally sent you over the edge. Before you knew it, your mom was dragging you out of the building so he could get cremated. Your dad had long since gone home so he could get ready for work, so that left you to ride home with your mom. Not that you were complaining, it was certainly better than riding home with your dad. You just wished that you could drive so she could get some rest. 

By time you got home, it was about the same time you would leave for school. As you were driving down your neighborhood, you saw a very familiar car pass you. It was Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy’s car. They were probably going to school. You kept your head down and stared intensely at your tightly clasped hands. 

The second the car was in park in your driveway, you made a beeline for your room. For the rest of the day, you hid underneath your covers and ignored the incessant buzzing of your phone on the nightstand. You spent that time alone having a panic attack. This was your longest and most intense one yet, by the time it finally calmed down it was 10:30 at night. 

You smacked your dry lips together and feel absolutely drained. The buzzing still wouldn’t let up, so you reached out with a shaky hand and opened your phone. You had at least eighty combined missed texts from Wilbur, Tommy, and Techno. 

Tuesday, Innit?

Yo, the fuck’s goin on? 

Why the hell did you ignore us when we passed you???

Music man take me by the hand lead me to the land

Ignore that dumbass

What’s going on? You weren’t at school today

(Y/n)?

Technology Sword

You don’t have to tell us what happened if you’re not comfortable

Just tell us if you’re okay

That was only the start of the messages in the group chat. Granted it was mostly Tommy spamming your name and Wilbur and Techno trying to get him to chill out, but some of the messages managed to calm the swirling panic inside of you slightly. Your phone buzzed as you got another text. This time, it was an individual one from Technoblade.

Technology Sword

Look out your window, grab your notebook

You raised your eyebrows slightly as you read the message. Your window was right across from Technoblade’s, so when you saw Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me” music video and showed it to Techno, you both decided that this would be your primary communication before you eventually got phones. It wasted a ton of paper, but you both felt like the main characters in a story so you kept doing it. You hadn’t done this since you got your phone and he got his. 

After you grabbed your spare notebook and a sharpie, you sat up in your bed and turned on your lamp. When you opened your curtains, you saw Techno smiling at you before he grabbed his notebook and wrote ‘hello’. 

You uncapped your marker, wrote ‘hi’, and shakily raised it to him. You saw him frown at your shakiness, he wrote ‘you okay?’

You stared at your paper for a bit contemplating whether or not you should tell him the truth. It was no use in lying to him, he knew you better than you knew yourself. After a moment, you wrote ‘no’.

You watched as he frowned and his eyebrows crinkled together in an upwards slant. ‘Discord?’

‘Sure’

You closed your curtains once more and opened up your PC. You could already see that Techno, Wilbur, and Tommy were in a separate voice channel. When you joined, you were startled by Tommy’s loud screaming and Wilbur’s hysterical laughter. 

“WILBUR YOU PRICK WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT I WORKED SO HARD GETTING THAT NETHERITE!” 

They were interrupted by a knock on Tommy’s door, “Tommy for the love of god it’s almost eleven at night kiddo. You can keep playing but please just keep it down.”

“SORRY DADZA!”

“Good job dumbass,” Wilbur chuckled.

“Hey (y/n), how’re you?” Techno’s somewhat pointed voice interrupted them. “(Y/N)! Please tell Wilbur that it’s not cool to borrow my armor and ‘accidentally’ fall into a lava lake.”

“It was an accident I swear!” Wilbur’s slight chuckle told you otherwise. “Wilbur,” your croaky and wobbly voice scolded him quietly, “not cool.”

The voice channel went silent as you logged into your shared minecraft server. You immediately spawned in the main lobby at spawn that you built the last time you logged in. You got to work gathering wood for walls you were going to build around the city. You saw Techno’s character run to you and help you gather wood. 

“...You good, (y/n)?” Tommy’s voice took on an uncharacteristic level of gentleness and concern. 

“‘M fine.” 

After a while of silence, you heard keyboards start to click again. Gradually conversation started back up and everything felt lighthearted once more. Though, you only talked when you were prompted to. After gathering the correct amount of wood, you and Techno went back to your house so you could craft some slabs. However as you approached the crafting table, you passed your bed. Next to your bed was your pet dog, barking slightly and looking at you with it’s pixel eyes. 

You could feel tears well up in your eyes at the sight of the pixelated dog. With a lump forming in your throat you struggled to breathe through it, your breaths coming out shuttering. You made quick work of muting yourself on Discord and started sobbing, the white dog staring at you sitting on top of your minecraft bed. This wasn’t a panic attack, you knew that. But you still felt overcome by a massive wave of grief. 

After a bit, you saw Techno’s character pop in front of you and start hitting the air. In chat, you saw that he private messaged you ‘vc 2’

You clicked off the main voice chat and was immediately greeted by Techno’s gentle voice. “What’s goin on buddy?” He was only met with your sobs, “deep breaths.”

“I’m not having a panic attack.”

“Still, deep breaths are good. Follow me.” With that, you two worked on getting your breathing back to normal and your tears slowly stopped. The entire time he was giving you praise and gentle reassurances whenever you tried to apologize to him. By the time you stopped crying you felt almost completely drained. 

“You okay now?” You hummed in confirmation, too tired to say anything. “Thank you Tech, I-I’m sorry-”

“Stop apologizing for feeling emotions. They’re one hundred percent valid… Do you feel comfortable telling me what happened?”

“I…” You trailed off as you couldn’t bring yourself to say the words out loud. “You don’t have to tell me, ya know.” Technoblade gently reminded you.

“I’ll PM it to you.” With that, you PMed him on minecraft explaining that your dog died this morning. “Fuck, I’m so sorry (y/n). I’m sure he isn’t suffering anymore. Did- did they ever find out what caused the seizures?”

“No, but… he had tons of health issues that I’m glad he doesn’t have to deal with anymore.” 

“Do you wanna talk about the good times with him with Wil and Tommy? If you don’t want to we can just talk about them here.”

“Let’s rejoin the main voice channel.”

“Hey (y/n), how’re you doing?” Wilbur gently asked you. “I’m alright, do- do you guys know what happened?” They both said yes. Technoblade must’ve told them what was happening.

“(Y/n) come outside. We built something for you.” Tommy was uncharastically gentle. 

When you moved to go outside of your minecraft house and Wilbur and Tommy led you to an empty spot in the city you four were building, you stopped in your tracks. In front of you built in various types of stone was a dog statue. In front of it stood a sign that read ‘in loving memory of (dog name)’.

“We aren’t done with it, but we can finish it in a couple of hours,” Wilbur mumbled into the microphone. 

“No, it’s perfect as it is. I don’t know what to say guys…”

“You don’t have to say anything, just know that we’re here for you.” Tommy said, his minecraft character walking over to your own and hitting you. 

“Oi, don’t hit them!” Techno punched him back and that started an all out brawl between the two. It quickly ended when Techno pulled out his fully enchanted netherite sword named ‘Orphan Obliterator’. 

“Get fucked, nerd.” You could just tell Tommy was holding in screaming at his brother. “I’m not the nerd here, you’re the one that reads for fun.” Tommy retorted. You heard shuffling on Techno’s end and him walking away from his PC. You were about to ask what was happening before you heard Tommy silently scream in terror. “Oh fuck he’s coming!” You assumed that Tommy ran to lock his door. Not long after that you heard a knock, “I just wanna talk.”

“No! You-”

“I just wanna talk.”

“Let him talk, Tommy!”

“NO WILBUR.”

You heard Philza’s groggy muffled voice, “it is midnight on a Friday. I don’t care what happens or who fights who, just do it in your own rooms and do it quietly.” 

“Sorry Dad,” you heard Techno’s retreating steps before he returned to his chair. “You’re a douche, Technoblade.” 

“I just wanted to talk, Tommy.” At that, Techno started beating Tommy to death once more. Each time he would kill Tommy, he would give Tommy a small head start before he would find him again. While this was happening, Wilbur PMed you ‘wanna prank Tommy and Techno? I’m thinking we put chickens under their houses’.

You looked at his player and nodded. You and Wilbur got to work luring chickens into holes you dug around their bases and burying them so that they were close enough to hear, but deep enough for it to be mildly inconvenient finding them. After you two were done with that, you met at spawn again.

“Techno stop killing Tommy. We want to tell stories about (dog name).” You saw Techno’s character sprint to your group and Tommy’s come up from a hole in the ground. “I was just about to find him.”

“Thank you! God, I hate it when he does that.”

The rest of the night you four spent reminiscing on the funny things that (dog name) did over the years. At some points you even laughed along with them. After you told them that you wanted to take your senior pictures with him, Techno offered to edit him into your photos. You didn’t know when you passed out but when you woke up, you had a crick in your neck and your PC monitor was off. You could hear three sets of soft snoring on the other end of the call. You felt yourself drifting off to their gentle breathing and smiled slightly; with them, everything felt better. 

[tryingtimi]

HEY HAPPY WBW :3

tell me all about a character from metalsea, and a character from iqarus that you think people will absolutely fall in love with. Perhaps because of their moral greyness, or just being a good parent, or their ideals / motivations- anything c:

@bloodlessheirbyjacques ✨(:

Hahaha happy WBW @bloodlessheirbyjacques ! ❤️ You lovely soul was so done yesterday that you sent me two WBW ask 😂 But I love both so I’ll answer them anyway because it’s definitely not late. Not at all. It’s still Wednesday in my heart.

So, this a very interesting one! I think readers fall in love the most with those characters that we writers loved to write the most too (because be real, favoritism shows lmao), so I'll go with those I really look forward to write if I didn't already wrote something in their POV.

Fair warning is that I can’t talk about my stories without spoilers so ugh but I try to be as vague as I can without making it completely incomprehensible lol.

Metalsea

Darmon Strotagor. The antagonist to hero human sourcerer, who I didn’t get a chance to really talk about yet. Which is a shame since he’s gonna be one of the main POV characters and one of my favs too.

Little world history to understand him. Magic got released into the world a long time ago and it changed most of the humans into magical creatures. Elf-like and monster-like (only their appearance) folk. It also moves in a cycle, so if something dies, the magic that lived in it gets released into the world again and change something further. So the world is constantly changing and a lot of new stuff starts to turn into very dangerous things.

He’s the direct right hand of the main villain – call him Troghrun until I get a better name for him – since the day this man decided that the new races and this new alien world needs to be changed back to it’s normal state. This world and these people needs to be saved. And Darmon agreed with this wholeheartedly. He wanted to help the poor humans who got their mind and soul transformed because of a foolish conflict between gods and humans years ago. He wanted to free them and save them. And so, he followed Troghrun when he basically banished himself from their human community, agreed to do horrible things, justified every aspect of their plan in his head and even became a very skillful magic user despite his distaste for everything magical. He was ready to do and indeed did everything for their cause, because he was promised that every terrible step is reversible and will be reversed when they cleansed everything from magic. He was promised a better world. And he believed in this promise.

Until, some prisoner from the new race asked the right questions to shake him logically and morally. From that point, he starts to question Troghrun and for a time, they can talk it through, even tho Darmon stays alert. But when he finds out what they did is not reversable, and the plan is no longer what they agreed on back then, then this shakes him to his core. He realizes he’s part of the wrongness of the world and what he did through thousands of years has served the worst outcome. So, he frees the prisoners (whom among is our another main POV character who also will be Darmon’s love intrest later on), helps everyone to be prepared to everything that is yet to come, swears never to use his dark magic again, gets to know everyone, falls in love, won’t every ask for forgiveness because he knows there’s nothing that can absolve his sins, will almost die because he’s ready to sacrifice his life to save everyone and just becomes a very important pillar of the team. He’s a man who won’t do anything half-heartedly and will acknowledge if he was wrong. And instead of justification or apologizing, he’s going to do everything to make things right.

But he can be fun too tho lol. He might lived too long and done too much questionable things to have a light sense of humour, so his jokes might be pretty dark. He also can speak in a superior way because he used to that when he was with Troghrun, but his love intrest makes him aware of that very soon, very harshly and blatantly, so he will work on not being that way anymore. He also loves a good debate.

Omg this became so long and I don't even know if he sounds likeable :') I just personally love him and think people will love him because recently everyone got into antagonists, plus I want to write him to be likeable so bad. But idk aw. Jump into the next one instead.

IQRUS

Auva Knox. Main love interest of one of the POV characters. She’s a very fun one because, well, she’s not human. And no, this is not common knowledge. Her mindset is very different, but she really wants to figure out how and why humans work as they do. So she’s asking very lovely questions sometimes (besides those that gives everyone an existential crisis lmao) about the most mundane things.

I'll stop here for now, but thank you so much for this question! ❤️❤️ It was very fun to answer, even tho Darmon got an incredible length! 😂

[bi-sapphics]

the way we are treated by lesbians, straight women, and men of any sexuality is incomprehensible, even to us, and that doesn't even *mention* the fact that half the time it's not even just out of ignorance, it's *blatantly* out of malice with the intent to dehumanize and belittle minority victims for trying to be happy and live their lives peacefully. i applaud all the bisexuals who try their best to educate their fellow queer people who are being biphobic but inevitably get blocked, called out, and harassed en masse because these people know damn well what they're doing and don't want to educate themselves or be better about respecting and having solidarity with us. hell, this practically includes plenty pan people (though not all) of any gender, especially with the recent discourse on twitter where people are yet again insisting we’re just pan instead, as well as erasing bisexuals along with that. it's not even just a les/bi rivalry, we aren't supported by our other siblings who experience multi-gender attraction but don’t call themselves bi. WE ARE ALSO HATED BY OTHER BI PEOPLE BEING PICK-MES.

when we say we're on our fucking own, and truly cannot find safety with literally anyone in queer + trans spaces except like-minded bi people who actively combat biphobia until they wear themselves out and drop dead on the ground, we aren't exaggerating that in the least. we mean every single word and no less. this is exactly why i think bisexual activists, especially those who are bisexual feminists too, are such a huge inspiration to me; because they do fight until they burn out. they are verbally (or even physically, depending on the situation) beaten and abused on the daily, both by those who stay anonymous with no consequences, and those who know they can put a name to their hatred and violence because they can and will get away with it. we are rejected from places we belong or have a right to be in, and because of the bigotry we face daily, many of us often end up taking severe emotional damage to our psyches. some of us even give up and start taking and internalizing the abuse, which we don’t at all deserve, no one stands by our side when these things happen, and therefore we’re often powerless to hold anyone accountable. this is why we need more bisexuals who stand up against biphobia and don’t take no for an answer, as many as possible. it might be a useless attempt, but we are louder together and are at a point where we have to force others to acknowledge and listen to us.

i highly respect these authors, tumblr blogs, twitter users, etc. ─ even the ones i’ve had beef with or am blocked by ─ far more than a lot of other queer people. to be perfectly fucking honest, i value them above other modern LGTs who pretend to be online activists but aren't constantly under fire for every word they say or every opinion they have. they aren’t told they’re wrong regardless what they do or don’t. there was no effective movement led solely for the purpose of pushing them away for not being good enough. they may not always get the response or allyship they deserve, but they aren’t attacked and demonized just for being there in the first place since these walls were built and spaces created. they aren't disrespected so intensely for having not done anything that their own kind are always joking about them and mocking them, overtime to the point where they are not even taken seriously enough to be thought of with generic dignity when they identify themselves to lesbians and gay people. they aren’t ashamed to be honest about which queer subgroup they belong to with other queers because of all the assumptions that will be made without knowing anything of who they are or what they think. i don’t even just mean the stereotypes created by straight people that monosexual gays uphold, i also mean the harmful ideas said mono gays created about us too and how that forms our dynamic and (lack of) solidarity with each other. LGBT spaces are designed to band together in acceptance despite the deceptive lies from cishet people, but it defeats the entire purpose if the B can’t be included because of the deceptive lies from LGT people.

irdgaf if you have something to say about that in protest. bi activists, both online and in the real world, have real morality and know what they’re talking about. they respect people who respect us back since non-bi queer people can be hard to trust nowadays, and if you think they’re mean or oppressive for doing what they do then that sounds like a you problem that you need to unpack. i will always trust and support them first and they are my prioritized choice of people to follow and form circles with. until bisexuals can feel safer as we are and everyone surrounding us becomes less hostile, maybe that will change and we can be more diverse again. until that happens, you may very well get what you want, as i’ve seen some of these activists and thinkers suggest we lead our own bisexual separatism movement and label ourselves as our own minority unassociated with mono same-sex attracted people. if we don’t have any allies then there’s no point in pretending we do.

bi feminists and bi activists against any and all biphobia are so so so important to me and i just can’t explain it in full with the right words to honor them. i tried writing a whole essay post earlier but it just didn’t encapsulate my point well enough, so here’s another one that does. i’m not even kidding, with the shit i’ve experienced in the past year, bi women and bi sapphics are so incredibly brave and strong. you truly cannot understand the trauma, pain, frustration, and rage unless you are one. if you’re bi and you’ve ever faced controversy as a result of taking up the space you belong in and being your authentic self, or even claiming you have a right to do so and live your own cultural life (because you do!), then i am so fucking sorry and i hope you find the support network you need from other fighting bisexuals who really do want to protect and help you with no strings attached.

[neutron-stars-collision]

The Art of Inversion

Neil x Reader

Chapter 28 - This Ain't No Hymn

Masterlist; Chapter 27

Summary: Time is running until Stalsk-12 and whatever awaits you there. You and Neil try to make the best out of what you have left.

Warnings: 18+ (implied and not so implied content); teasing; swearing.

Author's Notes: Gosh that was a long month... and I'm sorry it took ages. But it's here...! And it's over 14k for which I am terribly sorry. This one is my final stall before we kick off the action and I do hope you'll enjoy the absolute crackheadery of whatever goes on. Feedback greatly appreciated, as always!

During the final two days leading up to the battle, you did wonder how life can be at once so wonderful and yet terrifying. It was easy to get used to the new reality, letting Neil stay in your cabin for most of the time and only use his own for those brief periods when he would need a change of clothes. Or when you would be busy dealing with the assigned tasks, and he would get bored (as he proclaimed). Still, there was barely a time when you were not together.

Mornings were undeniably something else. As the remains of Morpheus’ spell wore off, you snuggled the duvet closer to your chest, relishing in the warmth provided by the blanket and the man sleeping beside you. One last heavy sigh before you opened your eyes, squinting in the bright light falling through the porthole. The sun rays aiming directly at your face, causing you to turn onto the side and face Neil. Despite the numerous mornings spent like this, the sight of him never got old. Your eyes slowly swept over his features. The relaxed brow, blonde hair falling over the forehead in complete disarray. Lips slightly parted, letting out quiet snores. You grinned, overwhelmed with love and gratitude. Because this was worth all the heartache and drama. Absolutely priceless.

Scooting a little bit closer, you felt his hand instinctively tighten over your waist. The hold, which has been placed the previous evening, not shifting throughout the whole night. Keeping you secured and warm. Just as if you were always supposed to end up like this. And perhaps you were. Gently, you reached out to brush your fingertips over his temple. Tentative touch making his breath even out, waking him in the process. Using the momentum, you swept the hair away from his eyes, ending the caress by running the pad of your thumb over his nose and mouth. If only because he was within your grasp.

Neil opened his eyes then, blinking twice to get used to the brightness. You watched as he took in the surroundings, consciousness needing few seconds longer to catch up. Once his eyes landed on you, his lips curled into a soft smile. Gaze immediately showing you nothing but affection. You mirrored his expression, letting yourself extend the staring. It was easy to waste the morning just doing that, gazing into each other’s eyes, getting used to the unbelievable luck. The comfortable silence stretched for a few minutes when Neil grinned and pulled you closer, hiding his head in the crook of your neck and inhaling the scent with reverence. The happy giggle rose in your throat, tinting the words with breathlessness:

“Morning, sleeping beauty,” the nickname coming out of nowhere, yet fitting too well.

You could feel Neil’s smile widen. Cradling you close, he kissed your collarbone and slipped his hands underneath the shirt to caress the skin. It was always like this, slow and blissful, with every minute spent cuddling reminding you why loving him was something essential.

“I should be annoyed at you for waking me up,” the pretended sulking accentuated with a huff let out by Neil.

Still, his hold over your waist tightened. Another kiss laid on the collarbone, teeth lightly grazing over your skin. At this point, hickeys were just another thing that had to be accepted. With the military fashion aboard the icebreaker depending largely on pullovers and combat trousers, you did not need much to hide them. Now, feeling the sleepiness gradually make way for other emotions, you wound your arms around his middle, tangling more to prolong the contentment.

“What’s the but there?” dropping the cheeky question, you made sure to press a kiss to the top of his head.

Taking a moment to drag your fingers through his hair, arranging the eternal mess someway, a job you took on most days now. It was only a pleasure, making sure he looked presentable and yet still like his chaotic self.

“But… this way I can spend few more minutes like this” another blissful sigh, “And this is rather nice,” the adjective complemented with a final trail of kisses down your neck.

Using the loose cut of the t-shirt, Neil ended the study with a longer caress on your bare shoulder. Earning a gasp from you. And then, to sober up, you remarked:

“I love it when you become this incomprehensible in the mornings,” another tactical distraction in the form of tracing your fingertips down his forearm.

His cluelessness first thing after waking up was endearing. Despite always being rather dependent on touch and closeness, it was in those hours when he tended to seek comfort. As opposed to your evening need of hugs and cuddles, helping your anxious brain settle in for the night. It worked. Very much so.

“Very funny” Neil raised his head, joining you on the pillow, “You’re quite gorgeous, did you know that?” eyes showing you the unimaginable extent of infatuation.

You grinned, the charm never failing to get to you. In moments like this, it was easy to believe him. To accept the fact that he was in love with you. Exactly as you are.

“You might’ve mentioned it once or twice. I’m not convinced though” sensing the potential in this line of conversation, you made sure to put up the act.

It worked if judging by the way his eyes lit up with the familiar glimmer. As if that was the needed push for him. The wake-up call.

“I’ll convince you then,” a predatory smirk reminding you of the defeat.

There was no point in fighting him. With excitement fluttering in the pit of your stomach, you watched as he shifted to hover over you. Hands settling comfortably on your waist. One last wink before he leaned down, crashing his mouth into yours with hunger. Your hands ventured up his arms to enlace on the nape of his neck, offering leverage. To pull him down as you deepened the kiss. Easily letting his tongue brush against yours in the intimate moves. Every glide of his lips against yours resulting in flickering fire, electrical sparks trailing down your veins. Muffled sighs and gasps breaking the silence. It was never something effortlessly brushed off. Each kiss sharpening the need and affirming the convictions. Unforgettable.

You broke off the contact only once it felt like you both would suffocate if letting it continue. With a permanent grin, you watched as Neil flopped back on the pillow and took a greedy breath, hand taking yours instinctively and lacing up the fingers to extend the touch. After a few seconds of the recovery period, you decided to pick up on the playful strand once more. For good measure. Raising on the elbow, you glanced down at him with a cheeky smile:

“Do you always kiss that good?” you slowly dragged your tongue along your lips, saving up the remains of the taste.

With satisfaction, you observed as his eyes darted to your mouth, pupils darkening as though that was enough to entice him. The attraction never failing to surprise you in its intensity. Fate and related synonyms constantly on your mind. Because what else could it be?

“You tell me” following your mood, Neil smirked, never easily thrown off by the banter.

Shots fired and all that. Naturally. You broke into a laugh, half-collapsing against him. Only the arms wrapping around your waist keeping you secured. There was nothing left to do but let the giggles die down, listening to his steady heartbeat.

“My god…” words choked out with immeasurable happiness, “If it’s going to be a lifetime of talk like that, then I’m not sure I’ll survive it” admitting the eternal truth, you peeked up at him to see the reaction.

A widening grin and a hint of insecurity brewing underneath were a fascinating mix.

“Maybe you’ll get tired of me and my bullshit. And dump me for someone with the charisma of a cardboard box,”

It was the way he was so utterly wrong that made you let out a quiet laugh then. And also, the concern over his self-doubts that would need to be dealt with immediately. As the true bullshit must be treated.

“So… like Jasper?” the joke earning you a genuine burst of laughter from Neil and a tightening hold over your body “Wouldn’t count on it,” raising once again, you kissed him lightly on the lips and the tip of the nose.

As a reminder.

“Good. Because something tells me I’m a lost cause,” the sincere look causing another wave of love for him, “There’s no getting over someone like you, Miss” in response, Neil bopped your nose with his playfully.

There it is again. With curiosity peaked, you ignored the need to get lost in another kiss and chose to ask a question:

“What’s with the new nickname?” your interest betrayed only by the restless fingers trailing down his chest, smoothing out the wrinkles in the shirt.

Not that you did mind. It was rather cute. And strange.

“I’m trying it out... to see how I feel about it” as usual, Neil caught your meaning with a pensive look.

For a moment, he seemed lost in thought, staring at you unseeingly. Beauty like this first thing in the morning should be made illegal. Your heart once again building up the fire that could only be extinguished by letting yourself have what you wanted. And that was rather simple.

“And?” trying to distract the intensifying thoughts, you took hold of his hand once again.

Carefully relaxing the fist, fingertips inspecting the web of veins and scars covering his palm. The long, slender fingers never failing to amaze you. A sudden reminder about the piano in his flat making everything worse. Because that would be quite a sight.

“I like it. Once we get married, I’ll amp up the game anyways,” Neil’s oblivious ramblings disrupting a detailed daydream concerning him and the piano keys.

Thankfully. It was only once you have brought yourself back to the present moment, the exact meaning of his words caught up.

“Once… not if?” that flicker of hope burning bright and steady.

It was in the way Neil studied you closely that you knew he understood. The smirk spread across his lips; eyes glimmered dangerously as he cupped your cheek:

“Why you got any other plans?” a suggestive glance at your mouth yet again.

No reason to deny it. You glanced at the phone to confirm your hopes. It was early. Enough so to spend a little bit longer in bed. Perfect.

“For now, yes,” meeting his gaze with a half-smile of your own.

Quickly untangling from the current position to provide yourself with more options. Not that he would mind how you would go about it. He never did.

“Care to share?” the want written clearly on his face, nothing but an invitation.

No verbal response needed as you straddled his lap and kissed him eagerly. Your hands followed, inching up his shirt and giving more places to study. The look full of curiosity and excitement in the blue eyes only providing more reasons to continue. More kisses. Hands exploring the familiar territory, waking up the desire, and raising the temperature. A quick fix for the addiction. Breathless moans and groans, breaking the silence of the morning hours. Gathering the courage to do what you wanted never felt this sweet.

***

Whenever Neil was busy with assigned work or training, you would wander the ship looking for something to do. A way to pass the time without triggering worrying thoughts or staring at the plans for the hundredth time. Two days were still left. And the objective was to survive them as peacefully as possible given the circumstances. You were owed as much.

That morning your feet carried you to the bridge. The quiet space offering a perfect place to settle down with the coffee and a blanket on your lap. With the panoramic windows giving an excellent view of the horizon, you could comfortably stare at the endless sky and sea. That close to the Siberian shores the only land visible were the occasional Russian islands, partially covered with snow or laid with grassy steppes. Otherwise, the emptiness could be easily overwhelming. Silence deafening. No soul nearby not belonging to your party of agents and soldiers willing to save the world from the bomb that could still go off. (Or did it already?) It was thoughts like those that caused most drama. Tiny brain worms rooting deep inside to come out at night and bother you with difficult questions and uncertainties. An ideal spark for anxiety.

Too lost in your head, you never heard the airlock open.

“Morning” you looked up, startled to see Kat take off the oxygen mask.

“Hi,” you grinned, suddenly relieved to have company.

She hesitated, eyeing your set up on the sofa and then the scene outside of the window.

“May I join?” upon your nod, she smiled and joined you on the settee, noticing wistfully, “The view from my porthole isn’t half this good”

You observed as she took in the scenery, large blue eyes full of wonder.

“This is quite something else…” you added, gaze coming back to the picturesque view.

The comfortable silence stretching out for a few minutes, when sudden thought prompted you to speak up:

“I never came to thank you for helping me back then-” the incoming apology stopped with a hand resting on your knee.

“Don’t mention it,” the reassuring smile shutting up the worries, “It was the least I could do” another pat on your knee before her grin turned wicked, “Where’s Neil?”

Caught. If it was not due to your accurate portrayal of the deer stuck in headlights, it was probably the blush that confirmed her thesis. There was no reason to pretend.

“He’s got shooting practice,” feigning nonchalance, you wondered aloud, “How do you…?” the question not needing finalization.

The look on Kat’s face nothing short of welcoming.

“I saw you on the deck during the Northern Lights,” the explanation tinting your cheeks darker “You were stood close, away from everyone else. And then you looked at him and kept on staring as though he was more beautiful than the Aurora to you” right…your breath hitched, the realization hitting with a needed kick, “I noticed you leave right after, hands holding tightly…” she trailed off, the knowing smile gracing her lips.

More beautiful than the aurora… yes, definitely. Finding words again, you chose to be honest. She saw you at your worst, offered a shoulder to lean on and a spark to light the flickering hope. To say that you were grateful was an understatement.

“We’ve managed to talk it out. Turns out he was just an idiot trying to save me while willing to ignore his feelings” thoughtlessly, a smile appeared on your face; joy uncontainable “You were right, he loves me,”

It still felt strange to say it. Even though it was true. The last time Neil told you as much was less than an hour ago. A parting affirmation as he was putting on the pullover and leaving your cabin. The new normal.

“As he should,” Kat grinned, optimism in her eyes exhilarating, “You both deserve happiness” you mirrored her smile, taking a sip from the abandoned coffee cup in a bliss-like daze, “From what I’ve seen the last few days… you’re giving him everything he was missing” the addition making your grin wider, the dangerous hope unstoppable.

Both of you went silent then, pondering on the view and what could be said. Silence comfortably stretching out and giving you a sense of companionship that you missed. While sharing thoughts and feelings with Neil was like second nature, sometimes you wished for somebody else to talk to. It was that necessity of being candid that prompted the confession:

“I like to believe that maybe now things will turn out alright somehow… but it’s difficult to keep it up with whatever awaits us at Stalsk,” the reminder settling with the anxiety cast all over your mind and heart.

The sombre turn of the conversation seemingly alright with Kat, for she eyed you closely before speaking up:

“Neil told me you’re going with him on the special unit” it was an observation.

But one that needed confirmation. The possibility to discuss it with her suddenly sounding like something you desperately wanted but never dared dream of.

“Yeah, I have to” a nod if only to reassure yourself, “Maybe it’s crazy, but I’ve got a feeling that I should be there. That it’s where I’m supposed to end up” words ringing out in the quiet space with defiance “And do whatever will be necessary to help him get out unscathed” the unsaid hanging over you, bestowing imperceptible shadow.

Kat looked at you thoughtfully; the quiet observation weighed with thousands of things that could be said. Finally, she ended the scrutiny and turned back to the horizon, breaking the silence with a comment:

“After everything I’ve seen, that’s far from crazy,” low chuckle permeating the space with a sense of faked lightness, “I’m more concerned about that part with whatever will be necessary…” the emphasis making your cheeks turn a darker shade.

Of course. She would understand what you meant. It is the only way. The belief in that one statement giving enough courage to defend your position:

“I know how it sounds. And perhaps its emotions talking… but he must survive” hiding the rising wave of emotions, you finished the lukewarm coffee, stubbornly staring at the edge of the navy sea covered with waves.

Anything but to face the attentive gaze. In the fear of losing the conviction. There was no time to falter now. Whatever would happen, you had to proceed with the plan. If not for yourself, then for Neil.

“Even if that means your sacrifice?” the question asked with a neutral tone.

The meaning simple. Taken by surprise, you looked up to meet the blue eyes staring at you inquisitively. There was no point in lying. It was another thing that you pondered on often. The question of what if. What if it comes to it and you’ll have to choose between your life and Neil’s? The answer was undeniable. Even if unspeakable.

“Yes,” a nod to assert it with all your might, “And I know he sees things the same… he told me that it’s why he’s doing it. To make sure the world won’t end taking me with it” you added, as though to validate your statement.

To show her that it was not only you who was that crazy. That perhaps what you have is something extraordinary. Worth more than anyone else can understand. Judging by the glimmer in Kat’s eyes, she knew what you were trying to say.

“I’ve only encountered love like that in fiction,” a hint of a melancholic smile on her face tugging at your heart with force.

Desperately searching for something else to say, you remembered everything Neil told you about her. Of why you were very much alike even if it did not seem so at first sight.

“You’re willing to go to similar lengths for your son. Max, right?” uncertain about the name, you hesitated.

She nodded, her expression turned serious, eyes showing the steely resilience you have seen before. A strong woman willing to do anything to save her son.

“Yes, I think… I’m not sure what’s going to happen on that bloody yacht but…” you watched as she searched for the right words, hands clenched tightly in her lap, “I’ll do what must be done to make sure Andrei doesn’t win this one” her tone turning cold, determination resounding through every syllable “He’s done enough harm,”

It was the flash of resignation passing through her gaze that caused another heartbreak. Suddenly you wished for nothing but a reckoning. Vengeance against this horrible man and the tortures he has inflicted upon Kat.

“I’m sorry,” words rolling off your tongue for the lack of anything better.

Instantly, you cursed your awkwardness, ready to come up with something different, when a hand placed on your forearm stopped the panicked stream of thoughts.

“Don’t be,” she squeezed your palm quickly before saying, “I hate it when people look at me with pity. The poor woman who married a monster. I want to be seen as a victor, not a victim,” the confession carrying with it a rising sense of strength.

Because she certainly was a victor. Someone to admire for the resistance and unyielding force of will. To be good and to put her son’s life before hers. That was something to aspire to. A quote from a few years back resonated through your head as you commented:

“Nevertheless, she persisted,” the mysterious smile spreading on your lips upon seeing Kat’s surprise.

And then she beamed. Gratefulness better than anything else you could ask for.

“Yes, exactly,” a nod, hope shining bright in her eyes, “Maybe this is my chance,”

Using the quiet moment, she stood up and wandered over to the panoramic window. The sun has begun to shine through the low clouds, adding a little more charm to the view. A tiny bit of optimism. Because maybe… With her back turned to you and the increasing sense of courage, you spoke up:

“You’ve already won. You’ve survived a wound like that… and you’re here, free from him. That for me is being victorious” finishing the sentence, you wavered.

When Kat turned back to face you with a smile full of gratitude and eyes shining with happy tears, you knew it was worth it.

***

The early afternoon before the very last night proceeding the battle was difficult. Left to your own devices, you have been idly sitting in the cabin, pondering on the various ways to stop the anxious thoughts. Even for a minute. But all the ways you could come up with either involved seeking out Neil, who has been hired to give the soldiers a quick physics-related pep talk, brushing up on their inverted combat skills and how to survive on the battlefield when the forces of gravity work against you. The other coping method you came up with had to do with spending hours in the shooting ground again. And there were hardly any bullets left for training, with stocks reserved strictly for operational use. Limits set by yourself as per order. Not omittable.

That is how you have found yourself setting up the hastily packed speaker (because why not?) in the small sparring ground in the training zone. You have changed into comfortable sweatpants and a tank top, deciding to use up the excess of energy in chilled solo sparring of sorts. It mostly consisted of finding proper bops and prancing around the space, trying out different kicks and punches Ives taught you. It was easy to get lost, feeling the rhythm, setting the pace, and choosing the right kind of moves to deal with the invisible opponents. A backfist here, roundhouse kick there. An attempt at a flying kick just because the guitar solo got you a little bit too entranced. That one ended with a groan, face flat on the mat. Thankfully there was no one to see.

You got lost in the movement, music drowning out everything else, until it was just you, your body in the fluid movements and the breaths punctuating the silence. Aiming a perfect backhander, you turned around only to freeze when your eyes landed on the intruder leaning on the plastic screen separating the spaces. Impeccable grin and a shrug answering your wide gaze. Blue eyes appreciatively sweeping across your body. Nothing new there for him. You stared back, heavy breaths catching up after minutes of intense practice. After what seemed like an eternity, Neil’s smile widened as he pushed himself up and crossed the distance.

Hands landing on your waist, without a second wasted, he pulled you closer, forcefully enough to draw out a startled yelp. That was rather unexpected. You barely had time to comprehend anything when he kissed you with hunger. On reflex, your hands tangled in the hair at the nape of his neck as you opened your mouth to let him in. Teeth clanked when Neil reached out for more than you could offer, breath caught in your throat, unprepared for something like this. The need resonating through your tangled bodies as you let the stream of feelings take you under. Temperance forgotten as Neil tugged on your lower lip, bruising the skin and softening the damage with his tongue. You moaned, the sound getting lost in the haze of sudden frenzy. As though you were bound to die tomorrow, and this was the last chance to show each other the love you feel.

It was that thought that prompted you to break away. In search of oxygen mostly.

“Wow…” you gazed up at him, feigning nonchalance, “Thought we agreed on no PDA in the public spaces,” the stern glare breaking underneath the lovesick smile you could not hold back.

Because, after a kiss like that, how could you?

Neil shrugged, keeping his hands firmly on your waist, thumb gently stroking your side through the shirt. There was no remorse in those eyes, only fondness, and mischief. Whatever brought him here was bound to end in trouble. Perhaps that was the distraction you were seeking…

“It’s not my fault you’re stood here looking like this” another admiring look over your figure, finishing with a quirked smile and a pull to bring you closer once again.

It was difficult to deny him anything.

“Like what?” arching an eyebrow you searched his eyes for clues.

Up close, you could fully marvel at his long eyelashes and the exact colour of his eyes. The darker rim encircling the blue-grey depths, pulling you in and making you fall even harder. You always should have known that it was inevitable. There was no escape from eyes like those.

“Irresistible,” the word, falling from his lips in a pious whisper.

Inches left between your faces, gravity doing its work in bringing your nearer. Nothing left to do but breach the gap and kiss him, another way of thanking him for the compliment and getting the fix for the addiction. Now there was no need to hold back, after all.

“Huh…” you grinned, catching your breath once more, “How did you find me?” taking a step back to stop the temptation.

Because perhaps that was enough. The rest could continue in the privacy of your room. Whatever that might be.

“Intuition, mostly” Neil swept his gaze around the room, focusing on the speaker laying in the corner “And a little bit of luck since only you could be listening to ‘Big in Japan’ while training” his eyes narrowed, cheeky smirk dangling in the corner of his mouth.

Ah. The song choice coming back with a vengeance as you blushed for no reason.

“What’s wrong with Alphaville? That’s a banger,” the defence coming with an unnecessary but satisfying push aimed at the center of his chest.

Working perfectly, if the surprised gasp was anything to go by. He only needed a second to recover, the sparks in his eyes telling you that the response was bound to be quite something, and you better prepare.

“I’m not saying it’s not. Only that this is very much in character for the woman I’m honoured to call my girlfriend” a wink perfecting the delivery.

Yep, on point. Your face warmed up a notch, happiness almost incomprehensible.

“Ain’t you smug” masking the softness with sarcasm, you attempted a harsh glare.

However, all the intent crumbled the moment your speaker started playing the next song via shuffle. The soft piano, opening the ballad with a flourish. Nothing but corniness of the 90s and a love song to defy any other. As Bryan Adams started singing out the first lines in his husky tone, you groaned. Fuck you, Spotify.

“I didn’t take you to be this sentimental” Neil eyed you closely, mirth betrayed by the barely contained laughter.

Using the weapon you have been hoarding for too long, you aimed to school your features before noticing:

“Well… wise man once told me that we’ve all got our weaknesses…” the meaningful gaze doing the job as Neil grinned.

“Very wise, indeed,” the self-satisfied expression only deepening.

Before you could perceive his movements, he closed the distance, took your hand in his, and placed the other palm on your shoulder blade. Following instincts you did not even know you had, you hastily put your hand on his bicep in the ballroom dance position you have seen on tv. What the hell.

“What are you doing?” question coming out breathless as you stumbled to fall into the correct steps following his lead.

Lead to a slow waltz, of all things.

“Using the opportunity,” Neil adjusted the pace, letting you feel the rhythm before continuing, “Haven’t you ever dreamt of waltzing with the love of your life in a glitzy ballroom?”

It was the nonchalance that caught you. The way he said it without a stutter. As though he has used the words before, perhaps in the quiet of his mind or in a conversation.

“Maybe I have,” forcing the doubts to shut up you chose the noncommittal answer for the moment.

Letting your eyes speak instead as you met his steady gaze. A flash of a gentle smile and a thumb tenderly stroking your shoulder blade. Calming down and grounding within the moment.

“I know I did,” the affirmation added to the mix, complete with the kiss on your forehead.

'Look into your heart – you will find

There's nothin' there to hide

Take me as I am, take my life

I would give it all, I would sacrifice'

Bryan Adams kept on crooning as you moved slowly across the room. The relatable meaning of the words sung out making you hide your head in the crook of Neil’s neck, disrupting the formality of your position. Turning the waltz into a slow dance by making Neil pull you closer. He tightened his hold, fingers carefully stroking your skin, the contact keeping up the spark alive. A few more slides across space, your feet following his without hesitation. The synchronization perfect in the matched tempo. It was surprisingly easy to find the right rhythm; perhaps the chemistry did its work in that aspect too.

It was only once the song has reached the guitar solo part that you have managed to break the comfortable silence with a comment:

“This is… nice,” the adjective being the only one you could come up with.

All the other words disappearing one by one, dissolved in the wave of feelings. Happiness, most of all. And love you never imagined existing, let alone to experience. Neil chuckled lowly, his chin resting comfortably on the top of your head.

“Mhmm… Remember how we’ve first met?” the question catching you off guard.

Enough to miss one step and earn a little ‘tsk’ from him.

“Of course, why?” the audacity of the assumption frustrating.

As if. Because even now, you sometimes found yourself reminiscing on that day. The conversation, seemingly innocent, and yet have led you to this point. To everything you did not even know you were missing but now could not live without.

“Even then… when we were chatting over the coffee, I was intrigued,” the wistfulness in Neil’s voice causing long-forgotten questions to resurface.

You have never discussed that day in detail. But maybe that would be the chance. Gathering up the courage, you waited until you have completed the spin around the room to admit:

“Me too… I’ve always wondered… what was it when you’ve eyed me and said I’ll pass the training without issues? Just flirting?” curiosity creeping into your voice.

Not going unnoticed and acknowledged with a thoughtful hum. That was another thing you have thought of. Back then, his gaze only increased the interest. Now, knowing it was not only you that had many impressions after the meeting, it was harder to ignore.

“That was one of the few times when I broke my own rules of looking at people objectively” the explanation given with the needed depth “I always try to be respectable… to see everyone for their minds rather than their bodies” unasked, your heart let out a painful thump in awe over him “But with you, I- I guess my fascination got ahead of me” sudden shyness surprising, causing you to disrupt the dance by freezing in the spot “I was right, in the end” Neil met your questioning gaze with an apologetic expression.

That alone vouching for a kiss and a reassuring squeeze of a hand. You gladly accepted an invitation back into his embrace and another slow dance. Spotify proving itself useful with the next song choice – ‘Forever Young’. By Alphaville, again.

Neil’s snicker was met with a glare on your side and a light step on his foot, for good measure. It took you another few seconds to let the doubts speak up again:

“Was that really enough for you to see me? That one afternoon?” once the questions started, there was no end to them in your mind.

“Yes,” no hesitation on his side “Trust me, I was surprised too, but with every passing day I was thinking about you more. And now I know why” a nuzzle to the top of your head before he asked, “What about you?” inquisitiveness almost hidden by the neutral tone.

Might as well show your hand. Laying a small kiss on the side of his neck, you began:

“I’m not sure… I was curious about you” an understatement but always something, “You seemed so different and charming, like no one I’ve ever met before. And obviously, I had to acknowledge that you’re handsome as hell but… then I saw you flirt with Anna, and I thought that you’re one of those” the admission coming out with the resigned edge you did not fully intend.

It was quickly extinguished with a spectacular dip and a pirouette that managed to knock the breath out of your lungs and the thoughts out of your brain. Nothing but Neil left. As usual.

“I see… mind you, I was flirting with her only because I didn’t know how to talk to you yet” he carried on the conversation without a hitch.

Interesting.

“Did it matter?” you raised your head to be able to see his face for this one.

As though he was expecting scrutiny, Neil met your gaze with a steady look and a confident smile.

“Surprisingly, yes. I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea,” the intensity of the eye contact increasing.

The song starting to fade out amidst its 80s glory, the last of the synthesizer giving out its swan song with the needed cringe. Your dance slowing down to a small two-step, prolonging the moment a little longer.

“Which would be?” another question, because why the hell not.

Using your momentum, Neil slipped his fingers underneath the strap of your tank top, grin widening once he realised the lack of bra. The familiar sparks, making you wonder about wherever this was bound to lead you. About what could happen. A vague idea formed in your head, needing only closure to the chat.

“That I’m not serious,” Neil’s response bringing you back to the moment.

All the movement stopping, leaving you standing in an embrace in the middle of the space.

“Are you?” just a final test.

Even though you did not need an answer, everything that happened within the last days proving time and time again that he was in it hundred percent. That finally you have found the one.

“Very much so, my love” stepping out of the hold, Neil tipped your chin.

The depth of adoration in his gaze only bringing out fierce blush and the deepening softness threatening to make you melt on the spot from too many feelings and too much happiness coursing through your veins. Enough. For now.

You grinned at Neil as a means of accepting his answer and took a definitive step away from him, noticing the curious look on his face. Ignoring it for the moment, you quickly searched through the library to pick up something a little more appropriate. And less cringe. As you pressed play on the right playlist and faced Neil again, the smile you saw told you he had ideas towards your next suggestion:

“Do you want to join me for a little sparring?” you approached him slowly, the unexpected nerves making an appearance, “We’ve never done that together, and maybe… you can say no of course but-” as you faltered, the plan seemed to make less and less sense every passing second.

Because perhaps there was a reason why he never suggested it. Or perhaps, it was not something he would want to do with you, his girlfriend, of all people. Maybe-

“I’d love to,” the answering smile reassuring enough to let you know that all your issues have been noticed, “Don’t pull your punches just because it’s me” Neil closed the gap and took your hand in his with a wink.

There was no way of stopping that grin from appearing on your face. Tightening the hold over his hand, you made sure to put on the most intimidating expression in your arsenal.

“You wish, sunshine,” a kiss on the cheek just because, followed by a wink to tip off his mirroring smile.

Let the games begin or something. You watched as Neil took off the pullover, leaving him in the t-shirt, and joined you on the mat. The final thought was that this sort of activity could end in many ways. Some of them rather intriguing. However, all distractions had to be left behind if you were to win this one. Which was easier said than done, as you eyed your opponent, coming up with the strategy. Because of those damned blue eyes and fascinating body proportions that were hard to ignore, no matter the circumstances.

With the final nod, it began. You crossed the space to aim a kick at Neil’s shin, using the element of surprise and height difference. As you hit the mark, he let out a surprised yelp and glared at you offendedly. A giggle escaped your throat as you made sure to put up the guard, expecting retaliation to follow. And it did. A lighter kick in your ankle, and then an attempt at punch towards your shoulder. That one, thankfully blocked, with your rendition of the shooting daggers.

The sparring followed this rhythm for a couple of minutes, drenching your shirt with sweat and increasing the adrenaline with every move. As it proved, Neil was an excellent partner for that too. Your dynamic working perfectly as you bounced off the different techniques and styles, learning from each other in progress. Soon it became a matter of prediction, of staring at him intently to determine the very next step and to block it efficiently. A few mistakes resulted in bruises here and there, but it was nothing compared to the elation flowing through your veins. The occasional compliments and teases interrupted the flow, bringing out more feelings than you ever deemed possible to exist. At once. Joy, excitement, fatigue, and desire slowly combining into the strangest mix inside your head.

Because one thing was certain – it was increasingly difficult to ignore the way it felt when Neil got close. His strong arms, usually acting as your refuge, now a barrier you had to get through to win this battle. The closeness intoxicating as you tried to wrestle out of his hold, imposed by using the moment of hesitation on your side. But then who was to blame you for getting lost in his eyes? Again. With his chest pressed against your back and the forearms blocking any form of movement, you decided to put it all on the card of fate, hooking your leg around his in an attempt at a backflip taught by Ives. That was another fatal mistake.

You only realised how badly you have fucked up when you opened your eyes to see Neil peering down at you with the most annoying of grins painted on his face. Eyes sparkling with satisfaction that certainly should not be there. Shit. He got you pinned to the mat with hands trapping you underneath him. Not much space between your bodies. A fierce blush bloomed on your cheeks; embarrassment combined with sudden arousal once the exact placement of your limbs sunk in. The earlier misstep resulted in having your legs wound tightly around his waist and crossed over the back. Just like-

“This position is rather… familiar” the husky whisper broke through the sudden onset of feelings and thoughts as you met his gaze.

The darkness of the irises and the boundless depths of desire you found there providing the missing piece in the puzzle. The heat turning up a notch. Unable to break the eye contact, you watched in fascination as Neil seemed to consume you on the spot. His pupils widened, betraying the feelings reigning free over his mind as he contemplated the very next move. Frozen, you could only wait helplessly, feeling the well-known tension rise, causing havoc in your head. Still, what he chose to do next, caught you off guard.

He leaned in and captured your lips in an eager kiss, easily stealing away the breath and distracting you from anything else in the whole world. As you opened your mouth for him without hesitation, Neil used the moment to strike. His tongue caressed yours in exact opposition to the way his hips jutted forward, creating friction. The surprising ploy, drawing out a gasp and making you break the kiss with a telling hiss. The answering mischievous smirk the only warning before he did it again, rocking his body forward against yours, upping up the temperature, and making the warmth pool in your lower stomach instantly. The wetness, collecting on your underwear and sticking to the skin in an impulse you could not control.

“Jesus, Neil- You can’t just-” frustration poured out in incoherent sentences as you fought for sanity.

He, naturally, took that as the cue to up his game. The deadly smile was the last thing you saw before he bowed down, tongue darting out to lick down your neck and then cover the space with kisses. A groan escaped through your lips as you grabbed onto his biceps in search of support. A logical part of the brain told you to stop the madness (and drag him to your room to continue), but that voice could be barely heard through the overwhelming haze. More kisses, teeth grazing over the skin, hands slipping underneath your top, and using the lack of bra to cause more drama.

The added touch onto your breasts was what defeated the sanity and caused you to roll your hips against his, matching up the tempo in the frantic attempts at getting something out of it.

“Fuck” heaving out the curse, you could not stop the moan caused by Neil sucking on your pulse point below the ear.

All the reasons against continuing something this good disappeared one by one. The synced-up movement, making you breathless within seconds. The arousal, seeping through the underwear, only increasing with the way you could feel Neil react to it as well. The telling signs of his lust rubbing off against your crotch upon every thrust. Getting ever harder to ignore with sounds breaking up the forgotten sparring soundtrack.

“That good?” Neil’s question dripping with need as he rasped out the words upon your hungry kiss stolen in the moment of eagerness.

No point in holding back now. Grasping onto his chin to stop him from distracting you with yet another trick, you made sure to show the extent of want raging in your veins:

“It would be without all the bloody clothes in the way” piecing the sentence, you huffed with dissatisfaction.

Because after something like this, you wanted him. No, needed him. Anything to finally release the tension and catch the high. Because, as you began to discover, it was too easy to get addicted to him. To the pleasure, he always seemed happy to give you. To being wanted and needed like never before.

Even now, Neil seemed entranced, eyes searching your face for something. Whatever he needed, you delivered with the want in the unguarded look, for he grinned and nudged your nose with his.

“I like seeing you this needy, darling” choosing no mercy whatsoever he stole yet another hungry kiss.

All the while keeping up the friction. As if you could ignore the feelings building up for a minute longer.

Using the opportunity, you caught his bottom lip between your teeth and tugged at it with force. Drawing out blood and groans. A punishment. To strengthen the effect, you made sure to tangle your fingers in his hair, imposing light pressure. Enough to make him suffer a little more, but not as bad as to make him more predatory. That was another thing learned in the past days. You were right Neil had a hair thing. And using it right could work to your advantage. With satisfaction, you broke the kiss and watched as he opened his eyes, unfocused gaze and shallow breaths giving the needed bravery.

“Bastard,” you whispered and used his moment of hesitation to initiate the retaliation.

The answering smug smile giving more reasons to push on with the plan. With the full attention provided, you slowly licked your lips. A trick that always worked, making Neil stare with that same look of starvation hidden in his eyes. It was the confidence you were seeking to hook your leg around his and find the impetus to complete the switch in one smooth attempt.

It worked. You comfortably straddled his lap, pinning him to the floor. Only a shocked gasp told you he caught up with the change. You met his gaze smugly, using the new position to run your fingers up and down his chest, light teasing included in the act of vengeance. The answering groan more than gratifying, making you even happier to give him the taste of his own medicine and roll your hips forward.

“I like this new development,” Neil breathed out the comment, hands settling on your hips, “You know what, though? I’d love to see you snap one day. Get annoyed by my antics and punish me” it was the way he said it that made you freeze with one hand already underneath his shirt.

As though it was exactly what he wanted. Interesting…

“Is that what you’re into?” arching one eyebrow, you trailed your nails over the skin on his chest.

Watching the goosebumps with fascination. The light bruises on the sides reminding you of the morning the day prior and the sudden passion that resulted in marks all over your bodies.

“I’m into you, but yes,” Neil observed you with strange pensiveness, “Even a man like me needs to be dominated from time to time,” the challenge in his eyes already inspiring scenarios within your mind.

“That can be sorted then” you winked and used that moment to stand up, leaving him on the floor with mouth open wide.

Perfect. Grinning, you brushed off the dust from your clothes and strode over to the speaker, ignoring Neil pointedly. Only an exasperated sigh told you he managed to pick himself up. Using the towel, you wiped off the remains of sweat from your brow and turned back to him with a neutral expression:

“I’ll go shower,” you quickly eyed him, taking in the ruffled hair and flushed cheeks, “I’d ask you to join me… but I don’t want to traumatise anyone using the communal bathroom for that” a meaningful look making sure he understood.

The slight double-take all the needed confirmation. Neil swallowed hard, as though the suggestion was enough to make the images appear before his eyes. But then he flashed you a confident smile.

“Fret not once we’re back home, we’ll catch up on that. I’ve got that spacious shower for a reason,” a tiny shrug as though to make you remember.

Right. Another thing to add to the bucket list, no doubt. However, for now, you were not done with the taunting. He did deserve it.

“I see… do you often use it for those kinds of purposes?” draping the towel around your neck, you strolled towards him with an inquisitive look.

Another shrug. Hands reaching out to be placed on your waist and to draw you closer, keeping that one metre of space just for show. His eyes searched yours with feigned nonchalance before responding:

“Not really. But with you, I want to change that up a little. After all, I’ve got to convince you that having sex with you is wonderful,” followed with a nose nudge and a smirk.

For once, there was no shyness. Mirroring his moves, you put your hands on his sides, thumbs slowly stroking the hipbones, pulling him closer. Once your bodies were flush against each other, you grinned:

“Mutually” and then, upon noticing the well-known beat coming from the speaker, “One might even say you’ve brought the sexy back” a wink, using the lack of inhibitions in the air.

The answering gaping mouth and eyes widened in shock were good enough indicators that whatever this mood was, it should continue. After a second of confusion, Neil started laughing hysterically, collapsing against you with ease:

“… Jesus Christ,” he choked out the words, drawing you into a skewed hug if only to preserve the closeness.

The sudden outburst of happiness was not controllable even if you wanted. Giggling quietly, you waited for him to calm down, running your fingers up his back in a soothing manner. Once his laughs eased, you whispered:

“Sorry, blame that on JT” an apologetic shrug followed with a chaste kiss pressed to his temple.

The cheerful sparks in his eyes, telling all you could need to know. Thanks, universe.

“No, I love it” Neil’s words brought you back to the present moment as he took your hands in his “I love you,” the sincere confession breaking up the ridiculous atmosphere with tenderness.

“You better” your smile widened as you squeezed his hands in a non-verbal response.

It was only once you were heading out of the room, after at least three passionate kisses and some more infatuated gazing, that Neil chose to pick up the abandoned line of teasing.

“Make sure to think of me during your shower” you turned around, mouth open wide “For inspiration. I’ll be waiting” there was no mistaking the look in his eyes or the intentions behind it.

There was nothing left to do but walk out with cheeks burning red and head too empty to do anything but what he proposed.

For a good purpose, as the afternoon then showed you.

***

With the night falling on the last day before the fourteenth and the battle, you could feel the internal darkness creeping with every passing hour. By the early bedtime, there was nowhere to hide. Laying on the bed and waiting for Neil to come back from his shower, you could do nothing but stare at the ceiling blankly. Thousands of worries, questions, and scenarios multiplying in your head, threatening to steal away the remains of peace. It felt as though the curtain has fallen over your blissful days, leaving nothing but uncertainty. Because God knows what would happen at Stalsk. The plan was one thing, perfect execution - a different one.

With lungs failing to expand properly you considered getting up and marching outside to let the cold air give you something else to worry about. That is when the door to your cabin finally opened, and Neil walked in. A sight for sore eyes personified. Mindless of your struggles, he sent you a smile before placing the morning outfit on the chair. It became a ritual of sorts, with him bringing back the change of clothes to prolong the waking up period and stay in bed with you. Despite the anxiety rising exponentially, you could not help but smile at the tradition upheld on the eve of the battle. You watched in silence as he took off trousers and placed his phone on the bedside table. It was only once he sat down on the bed and faced you with fondness in his eyes that you knew the act of staring has been caught.

“Alright?” Neil reached out and tipped your chin to make sure you could not hide.

Gently his fingers caressed your jaw and down the neck, soothing the nerves and asserting his presence. You leaned into his touch and whispered the white lie:

“Yeah…” desperate to extend the bliss even a second longer, you joked lightly, “Was beginning to worry you’ve decided to ditch me tonight” shifting forward, you rested your forehead against his.

Closing your eyes and letting the feeling of being wanted envelope you in its sweet embrace.

“You wish,” the tint of joy in his voice adding on to the perfection of the moment, “There’s no getting rid of me that easily” Neil tucked the hair behind your ear, stroking your temple slowly in the process.

It felt almost unreal to have someone love you like that. So carefully, yet with a passion that did not seem to wane. The only thing left was to believe it. And let your feelings lead the way. You opened your eyes to find Neil staring back with the softest of smiles gracing his features. That was enough to whisper back the answer:

“What a shame,” and capture his lips in a hungry kiss.

Knowing the moves by heart, you have tangled your fingers in his hair and opened the mouth to deepen the kiss. It was always too simple, an act of devotion and a drug you could not imagine giving up. Each brush of his tongue against yours bringing sparks of electricity and pleasure, a promise of so much more only waiting to be taken.

Without breaking up the contact, you shifted to lie on top of Neil, stealing small pecks interrupted with smiles and sighs. Not knowing what bliss feels like, you assumed it must be like this. Because nothing seemed to come close to the feeling of being loved and wanted by him. To feeling the steady heartbeat as you pressed up against him in the closest of embraces. To having him grin against your mouth, interrupting the kisses with happy giggles, and stroking your back underneath the shirt in a simple act of tenderness.

It was once you felt his touch tread onto that well-known territory bridging the line between want and intimacy that you leaned back to meet his gaze. Slight confusion found in the blue eyes as you fell back onto your side and took his hand in yours:

“Can we… not do this tonight?” the tentative whisper broke the silence as your nerves spoke up again.

Because despite never having enough of Neil, tonight you wanted something innocent. Something easy. Asking for it felt almost wrong as if it could be too much. With the countless worries anchoring within your mind, you focused all your attention on studying his hand attentively. The thin scars scattered across the skin. Neatly trimmed fingernails and elegant fingers betraying the sensitive nature of the man you loved without any inhibitions. Neil as always noticed the sudden shyness, for he kissed you on the forehead before answering:

“Of course,” the affirmation given without a stutter, as he retracted his palm from underneath your clothes, “What do you need?” with the free hand cupping your cheek, he forced you to meet his gaze again.

Concern and affection. All the needed encouragement to speak your mind. To reach out for everything he wanted to give you.

“Hold me, please,” forcing out an uncertain smile, you wound your arms around his waist, snuggling in to find the perfect position.

But it was not enough.

“How do you want me?” the question asked with the glimmer in his eyes that told you he remembered the night from London.

Months ago, while also something that has not happened yet. Linearly, that is.

“Closer” this time, the answer could not have been simpler.

Neil accepted it with a hint of a smug smile as he pulled you close. Spreading his legs for yours to fit in-between. Hips flush against each other, heartbeat synced. Hands clinging to the warmth of your skin, his lips pressed against your temple. No inch of space left. Exactly as you needed.

With the brain strangely quiet, you breathed in his scent, letting the reality catch up. Yours. The soothing warmth of the embrace and solidity of his body underneath your fingertips making you feel safe. Even if only for the moment.

A short moment? Prompted by the harsh reminder of time running out mercilessly, you tensed and splayed your hand over his heart. A clear signal for Neil to tighten the hold and nuzzle your temple. Waiting for the words to come spilling out of your heart.

And they did.

“I- There’s so much goddamn noise in my head, and it’s beginning to drive me mad” after finishing the sentence breathlessly, you hid your face in the crook of his neck.

Smelling the bergamot and hints of your perfume, increasing the love held within your system. Following the instincts, Neil started running his fingertips up the curve of your spine, giving you something to focus on. The steadiness of the movement grounding you back in the present.

“It’s okay, I’m here,” the soft tone melting the edges of sharp blades penetrating your mind with anxiety, “I can’t stop the thoughts, but I’ll make sure you know I’m not going anywhere,” confirming the meaning, he took hold of your hand lying on his chest and laced the fingers.

Another way of showing support. Of letting you believe your luck. Nothing left but to press a kiss to his neck and whisper:

“Thank you… We’ll be alright, won’t we?” the question forcing itself on your tongue.

Because it was all that mattered. For you and Neil to survive. To have time to love each other. But… tomorrow is promised to no one. The counterarguments preparing to strike with force as they assembled at the bottom of your heart. You could die tomorrow. That was a fact, as true as the knowledge that the world could end. The bomb could go off. This could be the last moment of peace you would have. And there was no way of knowing whether it was. The fear creeping in with nothing to stop it.

“I hope so,” as though sensing the growing unease, Neil raised your joined hands to his lips, kissing your knuckles.

You need not look at him to know what you would find in his beautiful eyes. It was the knowledge of feelings reciprocated that gave you the courage to speak the truth. To reassert what he already knew. Just because it could be the last time.

“Earlier today, after we’ve… I’ve realised that… I’ve never been more in love,” stumbling through the sentence, you whispered the confession against his skin, “And I don’t want it to end” a deep breath to gain back the momentum “I need you, Neil. You’re everything I have…” you faltered, feeling tears blur the edges of your vision.

As if your heart knew something you did not. As if being this vulnerable was the trigger you were seeking. There was much more you could tell him, but no words were found for it. Instead, you felt the embrace tighten as Neil kissed the tip of your ear tenderly.

“We’ll be alright, my love,” the endearment getting lost in the quietest of sniffles “I’ll make sure of it” he hesitated, the edge of your breakdown impacting him too with the emotions betrayed in every syllable, “And I don’t know if it needs saying, but… You’re my everything too. I’m not going to give up on us,” the definitive promise offering all the strength for you to raise your head.

Tears shining in your eyes as your gazes met. Worth fighting for.

***

The feeling of safety gave way to worries not longer than an hour after you finally gave in to sleep. Gasping, you opened your eyes in a flash after a particularly terrifying and confusing nightmare full of inverted rounds and ticking bombs. Blindly you rolled over to the side where you would usually find Neil, only for your hands to clutch at nothingness. Shit. The realization working better than any alarm clock as you sat up and turned on the lamp.

Empty room. Darkness outside. Neil’s phone left by the bed. Next to it a piece of paper torn out of a notebook:

“Couldn’t sleep. Find me on the bridge if you need me. Yours, N.”

The initial tugged on your heartstrings as you quickly made up your mind. It was only past one. And there was hardly any chance of going to sleep now. Without him by your side and with the brain haunted by terrifying dreams. You stood up and quickly got dressed in the hoodie he left the day before and joggers.

The moment you stepped outside the cabin corridor, the silence and cold hit you with their starkness. Usually, at this hour, the icebreaker would be alive with the sounds of the crew and troops getting ready for the night. There would be groups chatting in the mess or the galley. Soldiers catching late-night sparring sessions or betting on who would get more bullseye shots at the shooting range. Not tonight, though.

Without stumbling upon a single soul, you walked over to the bridge. Cold hands clutched together in the hoodie pocket. Untangling only to deal with the zip by the airlock.

Once you crossed the threshold, you knew you were in the right place. The silence finally interrupted with voices. Most importantly, with the sound of Neil explaining something in those soft tones that always brought you peace. The darkness of the room enlightened by the single fluorescent above the empty table. Kat was sat in the chair opposite him, focused on what he was saying. As you took off the oxygen mask with a quiet sigh, they both turned to you. Neil brightened up in a flash, a soft smile lightening up his face as he reached out for your hand. You sent Kat a shy nod as you let your boyfriend pull you down onto the sofa:

“Hello,” she grinned, giving you both a satisfied once-over.

The echo of the conversation you had the day before ringing out in the spaces between words. Nothing left but to relax into the pillows and give them both an apologetic shrug:

“Hi… Hope I’m not interrupting” you watched as they shared an amused look, followed by Kat getting up to make tea.

You knew instantly what this was. A moment of privacy.

“Never” Neil’s voice made you turn to him only to see the affection pouring out from his gaze.

Gently he took hold of your ice-cold hands and warmed them up between his palms with care. It was too easy to feel the love fill your chest again. As if switched back on whenever Neil was nearby. Somehow the darkness felt less frightening with him by your side. After a beat, you answered the unasked question:

“I woke up without you, and…” trailing off, you looked at Kat pouring water from the kettle into the mugs.

She seemed entirely focused on the task, mindless of your conversation. Using the encouragement, you moved closer to Neil and captured his lips in a quick kiss. He responded instantly, placing his hand on your cheek to draw you nearer and take whatever you wanted to give him. This time, because of company, the contact ended in a happy sigh a few seconds later as you pressed your forehead against his for a moment. Just enough to share a look of love and a shy grin. Hearing the unmistakable sound of teaspoon clanking in the mug, you leaned back, away from him yet keeping your hands locked in the space between you on the sofa.

“Sorry. I couldn’t fall asleep and didn’t want to wake you. So, I came here and stumbled upon Kat,” Neil explained, breaking the silence and acknowledging the other woman with a sympathetic nod.

Using that line as her cue to turn back to you, Kat handed you both warm mugs. Only a grateful grin could be given before you took a sip and let the tea melt the remains of ice that settled in your chest. With the comfortable silence setting in, you asked:

“Nerves?” giving the woman a quick once over, it was easy to determine that she too has been struggling with the night-time demons.

The shadows under her eyes, hands clutching tightly at the mug as if to find comfort in the warmth it provided. Making you appreciate the hand holding yours even more than you deemed possible.

“Yeah,” Kat swallowed hard, her gaze focusing on the darkness outside “Suppose it’s nothing for you, in a business like this but… I’ve never had to deal with a world-ending situation. Let alone have it depend on me. Partially” she finished the confession with eyebrows knitted together.

“In truth… neither did I” Neil leaned forward, the sombre look in his eyes settling on Kat, “Sure there were some missions of a bigger caliber than a few boxes of inverted artillery smuggled across Scotland… but nothing exactly like this” hiding grin caused by his answer, you took a longer sip of tea.

There was something incredibly true about him at this moment. Discussing the topics of deadly nature yet adding jokes and anecdotes to keep you all that one step away from despair. Tightening the hold over his hand, you added:

“The grand plan,” murmuring the words you once heard TP say, you reflected, “I bet my uni professors would never quite believe it if I told them that this is where international relations got me” feeling Neil’s gaze, you turned to look at him.

A crooked smile and hair falling into his eyes. Perfection.

“More like fate,” he countered, thumb running over your knuckles absentmindedly.

Biting down on your lip to stop yourself from grinning too widely, you nodded:

“That too,” or I’d like to believe it is.

After a beat, you both faced Kat again, only to encounter her knowing smile, curling the lips with a sharp edge of steel. Then her expression softened as though realising the reality once again.

“Are you scared? Of having to do this… together?” it was the hesitancy that helped you understand the meaning.

You knew Neil caught up too, for her moved an inch closer. Shoulder to shoulder, knees touching. No unnecessary gaps. Together. Just when you thought of answering her question, Neil cleared his throat:

“A little… It’s like… on the one hand, I’m glad we’ll be on the same team, as then I can keep an eye on you” he gave you a little shoulder bump as if to accentuate the addressee, “But then I’ve always been warned about being emotionally compromised during missions. Trouble is I’ve been compromised like that for months, at least” an apologetic shrug to complete the sentence.

He was not even looking at you. Yet, it was too easy to understand what he meant. An excuse for the warmth to settle in your heart again. Months. More reasons to keep fighting for the future.

“Sorry,” returning the nudge, you frowned, “On my side, ever since you came up with this idiotic idea to deal with the lock, I knew I’d follow. Because there’s no way in hell, I’d let you do it alone. But, as you say, the element of emotional compromise is there. God knows I’m terrified of whatever might happen,” the ramblings only stopping because you have run out of breath, “It’s like… when you’re young, and you want to change the world. Sometimes you even begin to believe that it’s going to be your purpose. To be the hero and save the day. But most people grow out of that and never even get the chance” ending the observation, you noticed the two pairs of eyes focused on you.

Kat’s light blue gaze, staring wistfully, nothing but understanding and melancholy. As if whatever you said triggered something deep within the confines of her heart. As if she was grateful.

Neil looked as though he could not quite believe you existed. As though your words made him fall even harder. And then he shook himself awake again, clutching your hand tightly.

“But we do” he nodded lightly, offering support should you need it.

Letting you know that the fate of the world was not only on your shoulders. We. That pronoun again. In response, you could only give back the voice to those things that you still wanted to share with them:

“Yes, exactly. And the child that still occupies parts of my heart… she’s excited to be the hero. While grown-up me is just terrified of the stakes” staring at the dark horizon, you noticed quietly, “Never did I dream of saving the world from an inverted atomic bomb-”

“-Well, actually-” Neil interjected with his picture-perfect, MA in Physics tone, making you roll your eyes affectionately.

Idiot. You exchanged an exasperated grin with Kat before stopping him from starting up a lecture about the details of the Algorithm with a hand clamped over his mouth.

“Shut up, mister smarty-pants” your smile widened at the shocked look in his eyes before you lifted your hand and continued, “But at the same time it makes sense… sort of” faltering, you looked around the space looking for something else to say.

“I know what you mean. I never expected any of this to happen to me, but now that it did… I guess I should’ve seen it coming” Kat had your back, agreeing with your words with the same sense of apprehension in her voice.

It was easy to tell what she meant. The guilt entirely unnecessary yet unavoidable for someone this good. Your need of protest got cut short by Neil:

“Kat, don’t blame yourself for not knowing what Andrei is doing. None of that is your fault” upon her pained look he gave her a reassuring smile to confirm the sentiment.

“It’s easier said than done… but thank you” she offered him a weak attempt at a smile and then looked at you with sparks in her eyes, “You got yourself quite the catch there,” a tiny nod in the direction of the blonde man.

Indeed. Unable to stop the happiness rising in your chest, you countered her look with a smug grin of your own:

“I know” ignoring the blush spreading across Neil’s cheeks, you patted him on the head, “He’s incredible,” an appreciative look at your boyfriend and the free hand placed on his knee.

That woke him up.

“He? I’ve got a name, you know,” the feigned spitefulness making a giggle rise in your throat.

Neil glared at you, the act only betrayed by the very way the corner of his mouth curled up, disrupting the frown. Forcing a poker face, you chose to just go for it:

“Yes, and it sounds as though you were English pensioner spending days playing bingo on Malta,” the slight delivered perfectly.

Gratification instantaneous, with Kat laughing hysterically in the background as you observed Neil’s reaction. He froze mid inhale, eyes widened, showing nothing but confusion. And then his mouth opened to choke out:

“…what the-” before he could get to the expletive of choice, the sound of the zip lock interrupted him with abruptness.

Before either of you turned to check who the newcomer was, you met Neil’s bewildered gaze and shrugged. Squeezing his knee as addition and lifting your hand to make the position a little bit more neutral.

“I see it’s not just me who can’t sleep” Wheeler’s voice ringing out in the room made you turn to look at her.

Stood by the entrance, she gave you all an assessing look. Somehow her appearance felt right. Another grounding voice against the rising unease and panic. Someone to pull you back down from the anxious high horse.

“No rest for the wicked” Neil seemingly got over the previous paralysis, for he offered the woman his best rendition of a devilish smirk and threw his arm over the back of the sofa.

Hand landing perfectly by your shoulder. Simple intimacy.

“What’s on the agenda?” Wheeler strolled across the room to sit on the chair by the table.

Dark gaze nonchalantly slipping over the two of you on the sofa. She was never the one to comment on what she observed, but the way she looked at you was enough. The label was painted in the cheeky smile, hidden in the corner of her mouth. Lovebirds. Somehow you knew that at some point, you would be cornered and made to tell the story with necessary details. If only so that she would have digs in the arsenal of sarcasm at a ready. Ignoring the desire to run away, you answered the question:

“Mostly discussing how strange it all is. You know, us of all people, getting a chance to be the heroes” sensing the apprehension rise again, you added, “I feel like if they knew their fate is down to us… they’d be terrified,” a chill running up your spine.

Suddenly uncomfortable, you inched closer to Neil, using his raised arm to lean into his side and find solace. He understood the intent in a second and pulled you nearer, shooting you a quick concerned look. Questions were no doubt coming after.

“And I wouldn’t blame them,” Wheeler agreed with your grave statement with the usual pensiveness, “Normally I don’t get this jittery before missions… but this one feels more important” she stared at the horizon, lost in thought.

With the anxious thoughts waiting around the corner, you searched your head for anything to light up the mood. A stupid joke or a snide comment. But there was nothing.

“Like something could go wrong?” Kat interrupted your train of thought with the simple question.

Alarmed, you looked up to notice the two women exchange a tense look. It really could go wrong. The worst type of wrong.

Neil sensed the way you stiffened, for he pressed his lips to your temple and gave you a quick kiss. His hand tightened the hold over yours, increasing the feeling of being protected. Got you. As always.

You barely noticed when the airlock opened again. Or when another person walked into the room and took off the oxygen mask.

“What’s all this then?” Ives looked around with the eyebrow raised pointedly.

With the whirlwind of emotions, the only thing left to do was to plant your face in your palms, groaning loudly. What the fuck.

Feeling the questioning gazes of everybody else, you slowly raised your head and asked the soldier with blatant tone:

“Could you be any more British?” a mirrored arched eyebrow for the additional effect.

Maybe he was the distraction you needed. The final piece in the puzzle.

No bullshit taken as Ives grinned and gave you the showpiece bow borrowed from The Crown.

“Top of the morning to you, luv” straightening, he raised his hand to tip off the invisible top hat.

The snicker coming from Neil was the only response you ever needed as you rolled your eyes and hid your face in his chest. No point in pretending.

“Couldn’t sleep?” stroking your back slowly, Neil asked the question.

You appreciated how he accepted your sudden need to be comforted. With the careful touch running up your spine, gently scratching the skin, your thoughts slowed down to an acceptable white noise.

“Yeah. The bunk beds are fucking awful, and I’ve no one to cuddle me” it was the neutral way he said it that made you break out into a violent laugh.

The kind when it is increasingly harder to catch your breath, yet the lightness permeating the chest makes everything worth the aching diaphragm and tears running down the cheeks. You heard Kat follow suit, the light giggles bringing hope you wished to find in the darkness of the night.

“Sorry mate, I’m taken,” Neil shrugged, gesturing towards you.

From the comfortable position, you could make out the smirk on Ives’s face as he threw the remark:

“Traitor,” he sat down on one of the empty chairs and noticed, “Anna will be heartbroken, mind you” a passing glance at the two of you snuggled on the sofa.

At the reminder of the receptionist, you sighed heavily. Because yeah, sure, there was nothing to regret in the best turn your life could have taken. But spiteful looks and cold treatment from Anna were not on the list of things you wanted to keep on experiencing.

As if following your line of thoughts, Neil waved his hand dismissively:

“Oh, she’ll get over it,” you grinned at the hint of irritation in his voice, “Plus, it’s not like I’ve ever promised her anything… Not my fault this one came along and stole my heart,” placing his palm on your thigh, he gave you a loud smack on the forehead.

You raised your head in time to see Ives look as if he was close to getting sick on the floor. For once, you could not blame him.

“Dramatic much,” glaring at Neil, you bopped him on the nose with a poker face.

The only sign he noticed was the deepening state of perplexion visible in his blue eyes.

“Who’s Anna?” Kat’s innocent question was the one to throw you out of the strangest conversation and back into the present moment.

Exchanging a glance with Neil, who shrugged as though permitting you to share the tale, you began. Right where it started for you, with the flirting over the admission papers on that first afternoon. Omitting the more private details of your story, and with Neil’s help with the background, you have managed to entertain her with the account of all things Anna. By the end, Kat was looking at you both with eyes wide and cheeks wet from laughing.

It only got better with Ives and Wheeler contributing to the discussion with tales from the past and anecdotes of their missions long before you came into the picture.

When the silence finally fell again, it was less charged with tension. Sipping a second cup of tea, you rested your head over Neil’s chest, comfortably curled up and content.

“What do you want to do after this?” Wheeler asked the question after a beat with a smile on her face.

Nothing needed clarification. An attempt at making the morning seem less daunting. A spark of hope for after – the magical space where you desperately wished to find yourself already.

“Go to a pub and get pissed” Ives grinned from over the rim of his mug, devilish sparks lightening up his blue eyes.

Too tired to react, you chose to sigh heavily and catch Wheeler’s bemused glare as she scoffed:

“How typical” she rolled her eyes and smiled at you as though sharing a private joke.

Men.

“I was planning to invite you along, but now I’m not so sure” the solder cut back with a feigned sulk.

“I’d rather catch up on all those missed boxing classes,” the retort coming without a second missed, causing a giggle to rise in your throat.

Who knew team banter would be the cure for all ails?

That and the steady embrace, holding you close with hands resting on your knee and waist. Letting you know that no matter the future, he was there. All yours.

“Boring,” Ives murmured the response lowly, earning shooting daggers from his second in command.

You felt Neil chuckle as he rested his chin on the top of your head, observing the conversation silently. Your eyes fell upon Kat, a little separated from the idiotic narrative that overwhelmed the four of you. Suddenly feeling a wave of sympathy towards her, you asked:

“What about you, Kat?” as your eyes met, you sent her a small smile.

“I want to go home to Max and finally live my life without that fear of Andrei lurking in the shadows behind my back,” the candid answer whispered almost shyly, “Sorry, I’ve made it all dark-” she added, looking at the rest of you with panic.

Before you could jump in with reassurance, Ives spoke up:

“It’s alright,” he countered her embarrassed look with a stone-cold resilience, “I offer to shoot that fucker on sight if he somehow comes out of this alive” a shrug to complete the proposal.

The genuine grin on Kat’s face was unmissable.

“Appreciated” she nodded curtly as if to mask the initial reaction.

Before you could ponder on it for too long, Wheeler broke the silence again:

“Neil?” her gaze slipped over you once again, the smirk still hiding on her lips.

You felt him raise his head, tightening the hold over your waist as if it was necessary. And then…

“What I want to do is between me and my girlfriend,” the cheeky undertone making you blush instantly and slap him across the knee in an ill-fated attempt at chiding.

That spark of curiosity not easily diminished, however. You made a mental note to ask him as soon as you were alone what that meant. Because, admittedly, doing things with Neil was the height of your wishes too. And most of those were best kept private.

“Thank fuck”

Ives’s candid reply brought you back to the moment in time to hear Neil add:

“-But… I just want to go on holiday. Spend at least a week without stress and the weight of the whole world on my back. And maybe visit my parents… it’s been way too long” the melancholic tone did not get unnoticed despite the panic that crept up your spine.

Following the basic instincts, you lurched forward to be able to look at him. There was no mistaking that confident expression.

“Should I begin to worry? Because ‘meeting the parents’ sounds… official,” you whispered the word with apprehension.

Yes, that sort of thing was probably expected, given how serious he was. But still. The fear of making an idiot out of yourself in front of Neil’s family enough to trigger the anxiety once more. Somehow it sounded worse than dying in the Siberian shithole tomorrow.

With the tense silence that fell, you could almost hear the way the rest of those present were staring at the two of you with curiosity.

“We are official” Neil reached out to brush away the hair falling into your eyes, “We’ll talk about it later. After,” the soft smile administered perfectly, cutting through your worries in an instant.

Maybe you could survive it. Maybe.

“So… Y/N?” at the mention of your name, you looked up at Wheeler.

Right. Diplomatic, subdued answer it is.Somehow it got easier to find the words with Neil’s hand resting on your knee again.

“Holidays would be nice, certainly” stealing a glance at your boyfriend, you exchanged an excited grin, “And maybe some time to walk around London, appreciate life… I don’t know I think I miss the mundanity. Getting coffee on my way to the lecture; visiting random shops and browsing the shelves just because I could. No inverted bullets, no timey wimey bullshit” with the spite thrown in, you left out a long exhale.

That life seemed so far away now. Almost like something out of a dream, rather than your reality before Neil and Tenet. While you would never wish for anything but your current circumstances, sometimes you missed the normality. The lack of danger waiting upon every corner. No necessity to consider fatal sacrifice in the name of love. Normalcy.

“Think you two have travel agency visit booked,” Wheeler commented, looking between you and Neil with a knowing smile on her lips.

Using the most basic of gravitational pulls, you turned to face Neil with a hopeful look. With how close you were seating, only inches of space left between your faces. Despite the tiredness and insomnia, he was utterly stunning, taking your breath away within seconds. A part of your brain wanted nothing but to press your lips against his, mindless of the audience. As though using the same wavelength, Neil glanced at your mouth for a split second, causing a resurgence of butterflies in your stomach. They never seemed to get a rest anymore. Sharing one last long look, you nodded at the unasked question and awaited his response:

“Mhmm… I like the sound of that” another happy grin and a hand grasping yours tightly, “But now, I think we should try sleeping” stifling a yawn, he finished the tea and stood up to wash the mugs.

Using the slightly awkward silence, you jumped up from the sofa and sent the rest of the group a grateful grin:

“Thanks for this… whatever this was” shrugging lightly, you felt a wave of gratitude fill your chest with warmth.

Suddenly the morning felt a little less terrifying. Perhaps for once, you did belong. For once, you were not alone.

“Always up for chatting shit on the eve of the battle” with the bemused smirk on his face, Ives got up and gave you a quick pat on the back.

You only registered that Neil was back by your side when he placed his arm over your shoulder protectively:

“One could even say… that the real treasure is the friends we made along the way” it was the casual way he said it that made you look at him incredulously.

“Is that… Disney?” with your eyebrows knitted together, you tried to find remains of coherence.

Again: what the fuck.

“Maybe,” shrugging, Neil grinned at Ives as if nothing happened.

“Are you regretting your life choices?” the soldier ignored him and stared at you without a shadow of emotion discernible.

With the overwhelming tiredness and brain cells dying one by one, it was easy to choose.

“Maybe,” parroting Neil, you grabbed his hand “You, with me” without protest, you steered him towards the exit, “Think you need rest,”

Just before you could zip up the airlock after the two of you, Ives’ comment broke the silence:

“Take care of each other out there. I want to get an invitation to that wedding” he shot you a serious look, hiding the concern evident in the blue eyes.

Biting harshly on your lip to prevent the sudden need to run back in there and hug him, you raised your hand in mock salute:

“Yes, sir,” a final nod of understanding before you closed the door.

It would be alright. It had to.

[kanmom51]

JM JK timeline.- my observations how they grew over the years

2016 part 2

Disclaimer: these are my own opinions and conclusions.  Feel free to disagree, but hate or aggression will be unacceptable.

26 August 2016 – MBC ISAC 2016.  Another big one for me.  The vibe between them – they were just so cute, constantly messing around with each other, all touchy feely.  Of course, they were hand wrestling again, so what’s new?  There was also the BTS bomb moment, when JK touches JM’s chest with the bomb, then his own chest a couple of times then JM’s again, was he trying to say something?

1 Sep 2016 – JK’s birthday. They seem happy.  They were seen out together.  JM tells in a later interview that he took JK out to shop for his birthday present.  Why are both of them so shy about it though?

Manila 2016.  Was there a fight?  What was going on there? Idk.  Seen plenty of vids on it.  My impression is that there was some kind of tension there.  No idea what was going on there.  But even if there was a fight or they were going through something, they came out of it even stronger.

8 Oct 2016 MBC Korean music festival – what was going through JK’s mind?

13 Oct 2016 – Jikook in their own bubble.

From the Bantan Bomb released in June 2017, we learn that  in 2016 JK got a birthday present for JM for his birthday, JM being the only member JK bought a present that year.  Jin even complaining how for his own birthday, celebrated a couple of months later, all he got from JK was a ‘happy birthday’, even though Jin specified to JK what he wanted as a gift for his birthday.  

27 Oct 2017 M countdown Jeju – spot the couple?

31 Oct 2016 fan sign – they were so cute.  JM’s loving gazes at JK, and JK’s grabbing JM.

6 Nov Bangtan bomb – what was going on there?  The back and forth flirtation was so loud.  Who makes you happy JK?

16 Nov 2016, after receiving the best artist award, JM gets emotional and cries while talking to the members.  JK is so adorable, showing his concern for JM, asking if he’s alright, and tearing up himself seeing JM cry.

Nov 2016 Japan fan meeting – spot the couple.

16 Dec 2016 eat with Jin Vlive – This one was a doozey.  We see some of the push and pull in the boys relationship that I was talking about here – JM complaining that JK doesn’t do what he wants anymore, that he came only because it’s a live show, and not when he calls him, saying he wasn’t like that before.  Really JM? What changed? JK asserting himself within the relationship, maybe?

JM puts JK through the loop before letting him into the room, getting him to say “I love you” 3 times, complaining that when he asks him to say that he loves him JK doesn’t, and that he did it only for the fans.  and still not letting him in.  Jin only lets him in after JK threatens to post a ‘crazy’ photo.  

The very high key flirting going on there, JM trying to leave only to stay after being sort of threatened by JK turning on his phone (we see a photo of him, one that looks like it was actually posted later that day) saying he has a great selfie (was that a hickie? – why was it a ‘crazy’ photo otherwise?).  They are smiling, but there is somewhat a tug of war going on there. That’s the two figuring out the dynamics within the relationship, all for us to see.

There are ups and downs in every relationship, and even more so when it’s relatively new, when the couple are creating their boundaries, what is ok or not ok as far as their partners behaviour.  We can assume that JK and JM had their fights, maybe even split up during this 5 year period.  It’s only natural.  Still, moments like during the Manila concert or during the KBS song festival 29 Dec 2016 can be pretty gut wrenching.  

This was the day JM performed with Taemin.  What exactly happened that day we don’t know. What we do know is that over time they grew stronger.  Maybe more secure in themselves, their feelings and each other’s feelings.  

Being a couple in an industry where not only aren’t you allowed to be a couple, but, god forbid, you are a gay couple, something not to showcase, but to hide, well, the level of insecurity would be incomprehensible, sometimes probably overbearing.  

That could maybe be the reason we sometimes see both being uncomfortable with the other’s interactions. I’m not convinced it’s actual jealousy of the connection.  I mean, we are all human, and jealousy is sometimes a factor, but showing every single uneasy moment as jealousy does not serve both JK or JM justice.  Their bond is not an unhealthy toxic bond, it’s a beautiful one.  What it may be, though, is jealousy or a feeling of frustration that they cannot showcase their connection with each other.  I really don’t know, and don’t want to over speculate.  I can feel though a vibe of uneasiness.  You can see on their faces something is bothering them.

2016 is when we see more than ‘regular’ skinship between the two.  We do still see the skinship between them, but we also see the hidden micro touches, light brushes, as if sometimes they are scared to touch each other, scared of how it would look or scared of their reaction to the touch? Also the gazes, wow the way they look at each other, sometimes hidden looks, sometimes so goddamn obvious.  

In 2016 JK starts being there emotionally for JM – making him laugh, crying when JM cried, every opportunity JK has to compliment JM he does it.  Saying how good looking he is, how sexy.  I say ‘starts’ because we can see from JM that it’s not enough, not yet. He repeats on more than one occasion that JK isn’t there for him enough (not coming when he asks, not saying he loves him when it’s off camera etc.).  

The start of a relationship is filled with excitement and insecurities.  This is amplified when the relationship is a ‘non conventional’ one. When you are in an industry where you are not allowed to develop any kind of romantic relationship, and told so since you’re a trainee, and even more so when you are two young men and the society you live in does and will not accept your relationship as ‘normal’.  That it will not only be frowned upon, but be deemed as ‘not normal’, ‘wrong’.  

When you are in a relationship deemed ‘wrong’, a relationship that if it becomes outright public knowledge may put your career and personal safety at risk, the stakes are oh so much higher.

You’re filled with the excitement, the need to constantly look, touch, affirm this new connection, but you can’t, you need to hide it from everyone.  Even from those who are closest to you, those who are with you 24/7.

So, the way I see it, 1st stage would be hiding from everyone.  Then would come stage 2 when those closest to you have caught on, but still having to hide from everyone else – that’s when you allow yourself to be more touchy and more obvious, but still hiding.

This is actually what I think happened in 2016.  It was a very big year for the two. Getting their bearings within the relationship.  Being discovered by the other members, or ‘coming out’ to them. I believe that by the end of 2016 all of the members were aware of the shift in the relationship, some earlier that the others.

At this point, during 2016, their reactions to the couple are less noticeable (maybe apart from Hobi’s teasing JM during the Vlive…), but later on they become so loud, they are even louder than JM and JK’s own actions, so loud that it’s their reaction to Jikook that creates the suspicion.

To be continued…