#(it's because it gets less confusing for anyone commenting on the post if i reply from the same url)

[javispunk]

Handsome

Summary: After spending the last 8 months with Joel and Ellie trying to survive every single day out in this post out-break chaotic world, you find yourself seeing Joel in a much different light.

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

Content/Warnings: Joel being a HUNK, 18+ smut (minors don’t interact!), masturbation (female and male), fingering, unprotected sex (p in v).

Notes: Please excuse any mistakes, as english is not my first language! If you have any requests you’d like me to write please let me know! Comments and reblogs are always appreciated! Thank you!

After arriving at Bill and Frank’s, as Joel had intended a few weeks ago, you all noticed the house was quiet, still. Joel called out both their names, but got no answer. Quickly he looked at the dining table, plates filled with rotting food still on top of it. He reached for a piece of paper left behind. A note. His eyes analysed it with care, hoping this wasn’t what he thought it to be. Both you and Ellie read the expression on his face, rapidly imagining that the worse had happened.

“So, what does it say?” Ellie pushed. She knew, but wanted confirmation.

Joel folded the piece of paper on his hand, and you could notice the defeat in his expression. “Girls, stay right here please.”

You nodded immediately. Ellie did the same. Of course he would go in first, that’s what he always did. Always looking out for Ellie’s protection. It was sweet. You watched him do this for the course of 8 months, without ever getting frustrated. You could tell he just wanted her to be safe.

With Joel already at the end of the main hall, you looked over at Ellie. “Let’s get on the front yard for a second, I need to get some fresh air.”

“We’ve been getting fresh air for the last few weeks, what do you mea-“ you cut her off.

“Please. Just keep me company.” You put your arm around her shoulder, half hugging her and guiding her outside.

“You two are the same, you know?” You heard her start. “You don’t always have to protect me that way. I can handle a lot.”

“Oh I know you can.” You paused. “Shit, you’re better than me at that. That’s why I’m asking you for company. I’m the one that needs it.”

She looked up at you with a small smile, realising your request. You both sat on the still neatly cut green grass, as you looked over the other side of the road. You noticed Ellie slightly plucking at the pieces of grass that had outgrown the care they’d receive in the past.

“This doesn’t bother you in the slightest?” You asked her.

“Well, it does. But I didn’t know them. I guess that helps.” You nodded back. “But I just wish Joe would let me explore more.”

You sighed. “He just doesn’t want you to find something you don’t have to see.”

“Then why are we both here?”

“Well, probably because he thinks we can’t handle something like that. I know I couldn’t.” You replied. Death was a hard topic for you, how ironic that sounded in the world you were in right now.

“I think he has you on a bigger clutch than me.”

“What? No he doesn’t. He just probably got the idea that I have a light stomach or something. You’re like his kid.” You insisted.

Ellie looked at you from the side with a slight smile. “And you’re like his girlfriend.”

You looked at her with raised highbrows, pure confusion on your expression. “Ellie, that’s not true.”

“Oh please, have you not noticed the way he looks at you sometimes?” She continued. Your face still equal to a question mark. “A few months back, at the museum, when you got stuck on the other side of the wrecked wall, out of his sight, he killed 7 clickers in less than a minute just to get over to you.”

“Ellie, I’m sure he just wanted to protect you the best he could.”

She interrupted you, just to continue proving her point. “Just the other day, at the bay, when you fell over in the water.”

“That was a huge fall, anyone would be concerned, Ellie.”

“No. You didn’t see the way he plunged himself into the water, the fear in his eyes. And you know how to swim!” She laughed.

Her laugh was contagious, so you ended up doing the same. “C’mon Ellie, quit that. It’s not true.”

“Honestly, a blind person could see it. The way he talks to you. He like-” the voice behind you both made her stop abruptly.

“Girls, there’s hot water upstairs.” You saw his figure at the door frame.

“What?” Ellie shouted excitedly. She got up from your side and ran upstairs quickly.

“Second door to your right at the top of the stairs! In and out, Ellie!” Joel made sure she got in the right room. You both heard her reply with a “alright” from the top of the stairs. You also noticed how Joel smiled when she ran past him. She was like his kid, truly. Joel didn’t do that to you, so you pushed Ellie’s words to the back of your mind. Just to prove that, you watched Joel’s expression change from a smile to a slightly more serious face when he noticed your eyes were on him. Your gaze connected for a couple seconds before you broke it.

“There’s another bathroom, you can go now. Second door to your left. I’ll try to look for the car’s battery so we can be on our way.” He offered.

You nodded after smiling his way. “You go. I’ll explore the village a bit, I just feel like walking for a bit. I’ll go after you.”

“You sure?” He insisted.

“I’m sure. I’ll meet you both at the garage.”

***

You haven’t felt hot water washing down your body in months. This shower felt like a miracle to you. You looked down as the water covered your face, seeing the water turn slightly brown at your feet. You tried to hurry, but you also tried to indulge in some time for yourself. When was the last time in 8 months where you could actually spend time completely alone. When was the last time you pleasured yourself? You couldn’t waste this opportunity. They’d both be down at the garage, and you’d have time.

You ran your hand down between your closed legs, still unsure if you should do it. But you thought the release would be good for you. When would be the next time an opportunity like this one would come? You finally indulged, passing your fingers through your slick folds, already wet from the arousal suddenly awoken in you. Your mind wandered off to Joel and the fact that he’d been in the same tub as you were now rubbing yourself. You imagined his naked figure, skin hot from the warm water falling off his body, washing the dirt from weeks before.

In an instant, as you kept your hand between your legs, rubbing soft circles on your bundle of nerves, your mind visualised him standing there, tall and naked, head pulled back as he took advantage of the shower head over him. Would he have also taken advantage of his alone time and pleasured himself? You weren’t made of steel, and you were sure Joel wasn’t as well. You indulged in the thought of him reaching for his hard cock with his hand, pumping it slightly at first. You tried to stop your thoughts, you didn’t want to objectify Joel like this, but you didn’t touch yourself in months, your core aching for some release. And Joel was all that popped up on your mind. You could almost hear his soft whimpers, his needy grunts as he would pump his length faster.

You didn’t even notice, but your fingers were now inside your pussy, eyes still shut, as the sounds of your wetness were muffled by the water running on the shower.

A moan escaped your mouth, as you imagined Joel looking at you, lying there, legs open for him to take you. Would he even like that? What would he even think about to get him off? Some porn magazine he’d find laying around somewhere? Could he get off thinking about you? Was that so strange? Would what Ellie said be true, that he actually might like you or crave you in some way? Your mind was out of sense, as you imagined him close to his edge, as your own also started to form in your stomach.

His breath hissing, his chest moving up and down. Your name slipping from his mouth. Even your head could trick you, but you were so close to your orgasm that you indulged. You curled your fingers inside your core rhythmically, and the knot in your stomach starting to tighten. As a wave of heat crept on you, so did your orgasm and Joel’s name sounded out of your lips, as you rode your high for a few seconds.

***

You ran down the stairs, still adjusting the jacket on your body. As soon as you got into the garage you saw Ellie inside the car, mesmerised by the mechanics of it. Joel out of sight, behind the lifted hood of the vehicle.

“What did I miss?” You questioned.

You heard Joel close the hood. “I don’t think we’ll have the battery ready today.” He rubbed his forehead lightly. “But let’s get in the car, let’s try it.”

Ellie already in the front seat, moved to the passenger’s side, as Joel asked her to. You opened the back door and got in, behind Ellie.

You observed Joel enter the driver’s seat. His hair was clean, still slightly damp from the shower, neatly combed to the back. His silver strands were somewhat less prominent now in some areas, in others more. His skin now clean from any dirt collected in the last few days, his scar on the high of his right cheekbone now more prominent. He was tan, his eyebrows still furrowed in worry. Your view of his profile was perfectly placed, his angular nose seeming more beautiful than it ever did.

He looked over at Ellie beside him. “Put your seatbelt on.” She looked at him confused. “Here.” He gestured to her right, grabbing it and buckling it for her.

“But we’re not even moving!” She protested.

“Just do it.” His worried gaze still plastered on his face. He quickly put on his too. You saw his gaze wonder from Ellie to the steering wheel, where he rested his hands, before finally looking at you through the rearview mirror. You saw his eyes soften, his eyebrows relax. “Are you okay back there?” He asked you.

You took a second to answer him, still caught up in him. You shook your head, humming a timid ‘yes’. God, you could only think about how handsome he was.

He nodded your way, before turning the key on the ignition. The car sounded in a roar, getting started.

“That’s good news.” You said from the back seat.

“It’s not fully charged.” Joel spoke. “Do you girls mind if we stay here tonight? We’ll leave first thing in the morning.”

Ellie nodded her head, just happy to be inside a car. You didn’t say a word, but Joel seemed to read your expression without you even noticing, as he spoke next.

“You guys can get going, eat something or rest. I just need to do something first.” He looked you in the eye as he said his last sentence. You quickly understood.

You looked back at him. The air was still inside the car, until Ellie opened the door and got out.

“I’ll go and try to make something to eat.” She said.

You watched her close the door. You opened yours and yelled. “Wait Ellie, I’ll help you.” After that your gaze flew on Joel, who was still clutching the steering wheel. “You don’t need help?”

He turned to you fully. “No, of course not.” His eyebrows closed in worry. “You don’t have to see any of that. But they deserve a proper burial.”

“Of course.”

“Just keep Ellie busy, please. I’ll be in and out through the back door. Please don’t let her see anything.”

You nodded rapidly. “Of course not!” You assured him.

“Thank you.” He spoke softly, before you left to enter the house.

***

It was surprising how Bill and Frank had a fully stoked kitchen, from the essentials, to meat, vegetables, fruits, everything. The air in the kitchen smelled wonderful, eventually spreading out to the next rooms. It was surprisingly easy to keep Ellie in the kitchen, she was probably just hungry, or maybe she understood everything and didn’t tell you.

After a few hours, dinner was ready and while Ellie checked on the oven, you made sure to set the table for three. She started serving her plate, running to the table on the dinning room you had cleaned before. You followed her action, still in the kitchen. Joel appeared on the door frame, you with a still empty plate in your hand.

“Hi.” You said softly. “Dinner’s ready.”

He replied to your greeting before continuing. “It smells great but I’m not very hungry.” He said while holding on to a cloth where he kept cleaning his hand slightly. “I’ll just have a shower. Again. And I’ll probably get to bed. Is that alright?”

“Of course.” You paused. “There’s clean clothes on the bathroom if you want them. I’m sure they fit you.”

“Thank you, for everything.” He looked at the floor for a second, before gesturing to the plate you had in your hand. “There’s three spare bedrooms, upstairs. You know, besides theirs down here. They’re all pretty much the same but I’ll take the smallest one.”

“Okay.” Your voice came out as a whisper.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” You repeated, as you watched him turn his back afterwards, and head upstairs.

You filled your plate and joined Ellie in the dining room. You sighed as you sat down next to her.

“Is he okay?” She asked you.

You looked over at her. “I don’t think so. He will be tomorrow though. Just needs a good night rest.”

She understood everything. She was one of the smartest girls you’ve ever encountered. I don’t know why Joel tried to hide anything from her.

“He does that a lot, you know?” She spoke, her fork now down, resting on the plate, now almost empty.

“What?”

“Close himself off when something’s wrong.” She continued to play with her food. “He won’t talk to me about it. But he would with you. He probably thinks you’d handle it better.”

“I’ll stop by later. Make sure he’s okay.” You looked down at her freshly washed hair, running a hand over it. “Now eat and then choose a room upstairs. We have to gather energy for tomorrow.”

***

You tossed and turned on your bed, hoping the sleep would come creeping on you. It never did. You stared at the ceiling for a few minutes, deciding wether you’d let the sheets stay over your body, or check up on Joel. He was a grown man, but still grieving some old friends, you reminded yourself.

You knew he was on the room at the far end of the corridor, the smallest as he’d said. You carried yourself to the door, before knocking lightly on the dark wood material. The sound echoed slightly through the corridor. Joel took only a few seconds to open the door, emerging with only a t-shirt and some pyjama pants that hang slightly loose on his waist.

“Hey.” You said as you saw him. Hair dishevelled from probably lack of rest.

“Hey, you okay?” His voice low.

“Am I okay? Joel, are you okay?” You insisted.

He shrugged his shoulders slowly. “I’m okay.”

“Can I come in?”

He didn’t say anything, just looked at you and opened the door wider for you.

“How’s Ellie?”

“She’s well. Asleep I presume.”

“Some of us have to.” He slightly laughed at his comment.

He smelled good. The effect of two showers in the same day. You decided to tease him.

“So, taking advantage of that shower today, right?” You spoke.

His eyes shot at you, somewhat scared. “What do you mean?”

You looked at him confused. “Oh nothing, just because you used it two times today. For how long haven’t you had a double shower in the same day?” As you spoke the last words, you understood how insensible that came out. He took a second shower because he had to bury two of his friends, stupid. “Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s oka-”

“No it’s not. Shit, I’m so fucking stupid sometimes.” You insisted.

“Don’t say that.” He spoke softly, but his eyes were worried. His voice showed a sign of hurt somehow.

“But I am. I can’t even help you and now I say this.”

“I didn’t want your help. I know you don’t take death very well.” You paused your worried thinking, looking at him properly. “Just didn’t want you to go through that unnecessarily.”

You looked at him, giving him a slight smile. “How do you know that?”

He shook his head. “I hear you. Your conversations with Ellie as well.” He paused. “I also know you.”

Your heart began beating faster.

“I’m glad someone does.” You admitted, scoffing at the floor.

The two of you on your feet on opposite sides of the room, the distance between the both of you killing you, no matter how small the actual room was. The silence was not uncomfortable, but you decided to break it abruptly.

“You know, Ellie told me something today. I don’t think it’s true but I might as well ask you now.” You paused and his eyes looked at you intently. “She told me you liked me.” You kind of rushed your words. “I don’t know, she spoke about the incident at the bay and how you jumped right in the water. Or that day at the museum- I don’t know.” You sighed, closing your eyes and looking at him after. “Is it true?”

Your heart was pounding on your chest.

“I care about you. A lot.”

“But that’s it, right?” You asked. “You also care about Ellie, very much.”

He looked at you, one hand roaming free, scratching at his lower belly underneath his tshirt, just above the waistband of his pants. You could tell it was a gesture of frustration. You were ready for a rejection. “Not in the same way, no.”

You were not ready for the response he gave you. Your heart almost breaking your ribcage to get itself free from your body.

“In what way, then?” Your body language couldn’t fool anybody. You naturally, without even realising it, gravitated towards him, ever so slightly.

He did the same. “In the way that I would rather die, than to lose you for that goddamn decease.” His eyes stayed on your expression. He was getting closer to you. “But also in the way of making your safety a priority to me. Your happiness.”

“My happiness?” You mumbled under your breath, as he reached a hand to your waist, pulling you closer to him.

“Happiness, amusement, pleasure. Whatever you want me to. I’ll do it for you.”

Your bodies were glued to each other, Joel was just waiting for your approval.

“Good.” You said before jumping onto him, mouths connected, his arms rapidly catching the behind of your thighs, holding you in place. Your legs wrapped around his center. His hands felt huge on your legs, securing you. You had zero fear of falling, you knew he got you. His tongue asking permission to enter your mouth, which you gladly accepted. The sounds you both made were almost animalistic. 8 months of no physical contact whatsoever, left you hungry for each other.

He sat on the edge of the bed, letting you straddle his lap. You felt your core pulsing when you felt the bulge in his thin pyjama pants. They might as well not even be there. You looked down and could see the entire outline of his length.

Still supported by his hands, you reached over to the hem of your t-shirt and lifted it up, discarding it over your head, throwing it on the bedroom floor. Your breasts hung perfectly a little lower than his eye level. His mouth immediately attacking your right nipple, like he was hungry for you. You moaned, your head thrown back in pleasure.

“Fuck.” He looked up at you with awe in his eyes. “The woman you are.”

“Shit, Joel.” Your mouth hungry for his, hovering his lips. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“I’ll make up for it, sweetheart.” He started kissing your neck. “Is that okay?”

“For fuck’s sake, just fuck me Joel.” You didn’t have sex in over 8 months. You couldn’t even be ashamed of asking for it like this.

“Is that what you want, sweet girl?” He grabbed your hair that hang low your back, caressing it from top to bottom.

“Please.”

“You don’t have to beg. You don’t ever have to beg with me.” His hand separated your legs further apart and travelled to your core, pulling your panties to the side, rubbing soft circles on your clit.

You moaned at his touch. “This feels so much better.”

“Much better than what?” He continued his efforts.

“Than me touching myself over the thought of you under that shower.”

“Oh, is that right?” His cocky smile under you, alternating his look between your face and your core, scared he might miss any of them. He slid two fingers inside you slowly but deeply. Your eyes rolled to the back of your head. Profanities rolling off your tongue like warm honey to his ears. “Do you like that, gorgeous?”

“Shit Joel, yes, yes.”

His fingers picked up their pace, shocks of heat from the top of your head to your feet. He lifted you up a bit so he could have a better angle to curl his fingers inside you.

“You’re so wet, baby.” His voice was low, dragging itself word after word. He took his fingers out of your cunt, only to suck on them as he looked up at you.

You looked down at him, immediately kissing him passionately. Applying pressure on his bulge with your core, you heard him moan underneath you.

You pushed him into the bed, him hitting his back on the centre of it. You got up, taking your panties off with urgency. You moved on to take his pants off, as he took his t-shirt at the same time. His boxers were restraining his length, it seemed almost painful. He noticed you looking over at it, removing them himself, as he sat up, his back on the headboard of the bed.

“How do you want me?” You asked him.

“Any way. I just wanna see your pretty face when you cum. C’m here” his voice sounded deliciously inviting. His cock painfully hard and propped in the air. He was huge, and you were not sure if he would even fit. But you wanted to try to so badly. You quickly straddled him hoping he would take it easy on you. And that’s exactly what he did. He wanted to please you so bad for the longest time possible, but just as you, he hadn’t shared physical touch with anyone in months. You were both famished for it.

You propped yourself on his entrance as he looked at you in awe. You were dripping on top of his head, as if his pre cum wasn’t enough to lube your insides already. You sat down on his cock, the girth like something you’ve never experienced before. The sounds your two sexes made in contact with each other were pornographic. Your moans also didn’t help your case. Joel put a hand over your mouth as you pushed yourself down his cock, all the way down.

“I wanna hear your moans so badly, sweet girl. But we shouldn’t make much noise.”

“Fuck, I know.” Your voice muffed by his hand, covering half of your face.

He removed it, just to help you get your rhythm up and down his cock. After a few seconds of him stretching you out, your walls became accustomed to him. Your fluids making it easy for him to glide in and out of you.

With a faster pace you began to grab at the back of his neck, as he kissed your breasts once again. “Fuck Joel, you feel so fucking good.”

He couldn’t even get the words out of his mouth for the first few seconds of thrusting. “You’re so fucking tight around me, baby.”

And in fact, you could feel every single pulsing vein inside you, with every thrust he gave you. You began to bounce on top of him, applying strength on your feet so you wouldn’t grow so tired as fast. You wanted this to last. It felt like you were made for each other, the way his cock fit inside you so right, the way his hands grabbed each of your hips with just the right amount of strength. The rhythm never slowed down, Joel made sure of it.

You began to feel the knot in your stomach tighten. “Joel…” you moaned.

“I know, sweet girl. You’re so close.” He paused to kiss you. “Use me to ride your high, c’mon.”

“Fuck, I’m so fucking close.” You continued.

“Let me hear my name out of that pretty fucking mouth.” He kept you bouncing on his length.

“Hum…” you paused as you closed your eyes. “Joel, shit. Joel, Joel…”

“Cum for me, gorgeous. Let me see your pretty face.”

Your mouth opened to an O, as the knot in your stomach released in an explosion. You let out a cry, but you rapidly muffled it with your own hand. He removed it immediately, just to kiss you while still riding your high. As you began to pant, trying to regain your strength, Joel grabbed your torso on his arm, in an embrace, and quickly but surprisingly softly, put you under him. Now on top, with his cock still inside you, he continued to thrust into you. You were so sensitive and he knew, but you wanted to let him have his orgasm. His breath became quicker with the urgency of his release.

“Fuck…” his thrusts became more sloppy as he reached his climax.

“Cum, Joel.” Your voice like music to his hears.

He kissed your mouth one last time before pulling out and cum on your belly. His warm release all over you, spilling onto the bed sheets.

“Fuck.” His voice lower than usual. His mouth travelled to your forehead, leaving a kiss there.

Both of you panting, Joel on top of you, pressure that would always be seeked from you. Once you caught your breath, you pulled the covers on top of you both, as Joel pushed you into his chest, your face nuzzled on his neck.

A few minutes of silence were much needed.

“Do you mind if I stay here tonight?” You asked him, hope in your voice.

“Oh, I wouldn’t have let you out anyway.”

[dropthedemiurge]

Second part of my translation comments (and half meta) for Gray Shelter [Episode 5], you can find the first post here!

"You gave the choice/decision to me, didn't you? (reference to the earlier scene)" "So your decision is to give me some money and tell me to get out of your sight?"

꺼져 is quite a rude word, like 'get the hell away from me', Yoondae is clearly pissed rephrasing/interpreting Soohyuk's intentions, he's using informal tone too

"Because I live like this? Because I idle/fool around here and there without doing anything, not able to get myself together (cannot get a grip on myself and my life)? Because you still see me as a child?!" "Yes. That's why I'm confused. Because it doesn't matter who is by your side (anyone will do), right?" "And (what's the problem)? You can be by my side. Why is everything so complicated for you? Just... (in softest pleading voice) ...Watch me. I will live like all the other people. Then it'll all be good (it's solved), no? You can watch over me while being by my side. Mmhm? Don't care about the situation, once again I'm telling you, just look only right at me."

I actually really like the usage of 'focus on me' in all the sentences because the translator keeps the leitmotif and it works in all contexts, the entire conversation was translated nicely. Even "- What's the most difficult thing about me and this situation for you? - That I'm your home (the place you return to now)."

I just gave you more literal translation... idk, for fun xD Maybe you'll catch more nuances that I tried to put in here. It's just devastating. Soohyuk sees and feels that Yoondae is clinging to him like to a lifeline, and he doesn't want to be one, he's got enough of people burdening him, his life is hard enough.

He tried to think simply like Yoondae and just live in the moment, give in to his impulses as well, but he just can't. He's sinking on his own and he can't chain himself to another person because even if he's a safe place for Yoondae, he won't be able to save him in this situation, it means they'll both drown. Yoondae has to find his own ground to stand on, he has to get a grip and find a new home on his own so he won't circle his entire life and attention on Soohyuk. Only then it'll work.

"If I find another home, can I call you? You won't avoid me then?"

They don't kiss here – they can't. It won't work. But such short distance is a promise, it's a possible future happy ending hanging between them both like a life vest and a heavy rock.

I'm not sure he means it as 'we get together again'. More like

"If we meet again, will we become okay?"

Like, they agreed it won't work out now, they need some time, and Yoondae now will be holding onto that hope that Soohyuk might accept him and his feelings once Yoondae finds his own home, his own meaning in life. But he's still afraid it won't happen, that's why he needs to hear some affirmation. Will things between them become alright (and the fact that he doesn't really say 'better' or 'good', he uses 괜찮다 - fine, alright, okay and asks if they will be able to even reach that). Which means they both know their relationship is less than 'okay' now.

And in a very Gray Shelter melancholic satisfying-unsatisfying way, Soohyuk only replies: "It'd at least be better than now."

That's the only thing Yoondae is left with. This, and a daring request to pretend he didn't steal that goodbye kiss.

And we're getting a time skip which starts on a sound of a ringing telephone. ("If I find another home, can I call you? ) And surprisingly, it doesn't seem that Yoondae is the one calling this time, as he wanted to. It seems like Yoondae accepted the call but he wasn't holding it or answering, yet Soohyuk called him and invited him for a dinner and is waiting for the answer. Now, the decision is up to Yoondae.

There is a calendar on the wall but I honestly didn't track if there were any other calendars in the show so we can tell how long was the time skip.

"Alright. I'll be waiting."

To be honest, in the ending I wished they showed at least one scene of Yoongdae coming home in a work-like uniform or doing something to indicate he started sorting his life out before that call came through. Because even though the ending is hopeful – they lived separately for some time, Yoondae has his own place, Soohyuk is reaching out to spend time with him now and they both agreed their next meeting will be more hopeful – but will it be enough? Was the problem actually solved?

We all should think that yes, but I wish the ending supported it a little bit more confidently. After such a rollercoaster of emotions and complicated situation, I want to see them heading towards the truly happy ending Т_т (give me the second season!)

In any case, the acting is great and the melancholic atmosphere for a BL was so unusual, I loved the edgy dialogues and emotionally raw writing. For such a short story, Gray Shelter certainly will go under many people's radar but it still touched my soul.

And, well, now I understand the title. Soohyuk is a shelter, he shouldn't be a home. Shelter is a place they seek temporarily comfort in when they have nowhere else to go. And it's not a bright happy couple place, and it's not an abusive family house either, gray is neither black nor white. It's something in between, and it's up to Soohyuk and Yoondae to try and build an actual equal bond, have a place to return to and person to eat dinner with.

[lightseoul]

asymptōtos

synopsis. you needed him to meet you halfway. he couldn't.

cw. fem!reader, student-turned-worker!reader, busy prohero!katsuki, aged-up (~22 yrs old), established relationship, fluff, hurt/(may or may not have) comfort

word count. 5.8k words

The first time it happens, it leaves you more in a state of awe and adoration than worry and disappointment.

In your defense, you never thought you’d end up dating anyone in college, let alone during your very busy senior year marred by senioritis and thesis woes, but the universe decided it has other plans for you.

And so here you are, on your first date with the #2 Pro Hero, no less.

Of course, credit must be given where it is due. All of this wouldn’t have happened without the notorious meddler and your elementary best friend Ashido Mina, who took it upon herself to be Bakugou’s wing-woman during her housewarming party two weeks ago.

Not only did she serve as the pesky glue that resisted all of your attempts to stray away from Bakugou’s immediate circle, but she also later on confessed to having begged him not to delete your number that she not-so-sneakily saved in the man’s phone.

You got so embarrassed when you received your first text from him, imagining him being held at gunpoint by Mina just to send the darned message. You contemplated not replying to save the poor guy but decided against it. You’re glad you did, though, because he ended up surprising you with his responsiveness and consistency, resulting in daily texts until he finally asked you out on a date.

In a very roundabout way, too:

Maybe we can find out what the hell your problem is over dinner sometime.

Which brings you to the present, post-said dinner, seated on one of the benches in a park you’ve never heard of until now, admiring the view.

“I’ve never done this before.”

Your head whips to look at Bakugou, surprised at his sudden statement. Things have been silent since you left the sushi restaurant.

Well, until now.

“What—go out on a date?” you joke, meaning to lighten the mood.

At that, he visibly reddens, and looks away.

“Dumbass,” he mutters under his breath.

Shit.

“I’m sorry,” you start, “I just thought—you being you—you’d have far more experience than I have.”

You can see him hesitating before looking you right in the eyes, “Wow.”

“What?”

He shrugs, “This is the first time someone’s referred to my being ‘me’ as a compliment.”

“Really?”

He merely gives you a firm nod. You can tell he’s trying to be cool about it, despite how much vulnerability this topic is requiring out of him.

You sigh, shaking your head, “Well, that’s bullshit.”

His voice is quiet when he replies. “...Ya think so?”

“Yeah,” you smile at him, “I mean, I like you. Being Bakugou Katsuki should make you proud.”

You don’t realize the carelessness of your comment until you see his eyes widen in shock. Yours follow suit upon realization, “I mean–”

“Yeah–”

“I didn’t–”

He interrupts, “Don’t worry. I get what ya mean.”

You could only stare at each other in astonishment until you look away in embarrassment.

Fuck.

You’re about to change the subject in the hopes of clearing the air and replacing the awkward silence that has befallen the two of you when you feel a feather of a touch graze your pinky.

You hold your breath in anticipation—willing your palm’s sweat glands to magically close in case Bakugou’s making a move to hold your hand—but that’s when it happens.

A piercing wail echoes throughout the park, and you both rip your hands away from each other.

Embarrassed (Bakugou), confused (you), and alarmed (both), you whip your heads towards the source, only to find a crying kid and who seems to be his father crouched down, frantically shushing him.

You narrow your eyes, trying to figure out what’s the matter from your spot on the bench.

“Kid’s dumb cat got stuck in that tree,” Bakugou points with his right hand, and sure enough, an orange Tabby cat is perched comfortably on the sakura tree near where the kid and his father are standing.

How he managed to figure out the problem in a millisecond is beyond you, but you couldn’t spare a single moment to marvel at his hero senses because Bakugou’s now standing up, palms cracking with mini-explosions.

He sighs heavily, and if you didn’t know any better, you’d say he was annoyed.

Whatever scowl he might’ve had on his face is schooled into a neutral expression when he turns back to tell you to give him a second.

You nod, too stunned to speak, and the explosions on his palms begin to heighten in degree. He starts toward the direction of the civilians, before hesitating in his steps.

“What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head, back still turned towards you.

“...For the record,” he looks up to the cat still balanced expertly on the tree’s branches, possibly to avoid your gaze for what he’s about to say next.

“I like you, too.”

The second time it happens…is a bit different. It wasn’t like you weren’t aware this sort of thing was coming. On the contrary, you anticipated it, knowing full well what you were getting yourself into the moment you agreed to become Bakugou’s girlfriend.

But expecting and dress-rehearsing for pain doesn’t make it any less wounding once the actual thing does roll around.

It was your graduation day, and everything was going swimmingly. Bakugou got to officially introduce himself as your boyfriend to your parents while you were waiting for the ceremony to begin.

He didn’t want to admit it, but just by his body language alone, you could tell he was fucking nervous.

(Later on, during dinner, he’d whisper to you how he barely got any sleep the night before. Who was the one graduating between the two of you, again?)

Your parents’ reception of him was favorable, thanks to the briefer you gave them about his media presence not at all being an accurate depiction of the real thing. Your father tossed you a somewhat withering look after the encounter, but you chose to let it go. You weren’t going to let anyone rain on your parade today.

By all accounts, everything was going great. At the end of the program, everyone who you wanted to be present was there congratulating you, giving you bouquets of flowers, and taking pictures for remembrance’s sake.

After bidding goodbye to your college peers, you then headed to your favorite high-end restaurant to celebrate, where you sit now, listening in amusement as Bakugou gets grilled by your family and friends.

“So, Bakugou-san,” your mother continues, “what do you like about our Y/N?”

“Mom!”

Needless to say, you didn’t expect to be dragged into the grilling session.

Your mother only looks at you like you’re the one who’s lost your marbles. To your left, you can hear Bakugou snicker under his breath. You elbow his side in retaliation.

“What? You can’t expect me not to ask him that.”

“Yeah,” your cousin chimes in from the end of the elongated table, “we’re curious.”

You glare at her, “Shut it, C/N.”

“Y/N!,” your mother exclaims, “Don’t be rude.”

You could only pout in response while Bakugou clears his throat beside you, and you find yourself anticipating his response despite the circumstances.

“Well, she’s the most caring person I know,” he eyes you, and you can’t help but look away, feeling bashful under his gaze. “And is incredibly sharp, and she makes me feel understood and appreciated.”

Squeals and cheers erupt from the table, and you laugh in embarrassment at his words and everyone else’s reactions.

Bakugou pinches your thigh to catch your attention, “What?”

You snort, “You’re so cheesy.”

He smirks, “Says the one blushing.”

You don’t have the heart to tell him he’s sporting redness on his cheeks the same way he’s saying you are. You can’t help but grin in response.

The noise dies down upon hearing your father clear his throat, “Bakugou-san, what do you do for a living, again?”

You internally roll your eyes. On the outside, though, you look at Bakugou, who straightens his posture at your father’s questioning.

“I’m a Pro Hero, sir.”

Your father hums in acknowledgment, “You’re Pro Hero…Dynamight?”

“Yes, sir.”

Everyone’s silent as you watch the tense conversation unfold before you.

“You face a lot of danger in your line of work, then?”

Bakugou remains unwavering as he goes through the kind of questioning that would otherwise annoy him, “Yes, sir. But we’ve undergone extensive training and immersions to be able to handle them accordingly.”

This time, your father only grunts in reply, returning to his plate of Grilled Akita Beef Sirloin as if he hadn’t just interrogated a guy. In the corner of your eye, you see Bakugou deflate, from relief or disappointment, you can’t tell.

“Anyway, Bakugou-san,” your mother interjects in an attempt to salvage the conversation, “what’s it like having a job of a Pro Hero? Nobody in our family took that career path, you see.”

“Well, I—”

He barely gets two words out when All Might’s voice comes booming throughout the entire restaurant, and you see Bakugou lose his cool and scramble for his phone to turn it off. Everyone’s eyes are bugged out, probably reeling from the fact that the #2 Pro Hero has such a corny ringtone.

“Sorry,” he blurts out. You chance a peek at the caller ID, which reads ‘Deku’, and you look up to see the frustration in Bakugou’s eyes.

Despite yourself, a sense of worry settles in your stomach. Midoriya never calls Bakugou unless it’s something important, and he’d already been informed about Bakugou being MIA for tonight. Surely he’s not calling for nothing…

“Who was that?” Your mother asks.

Bakugou presses the lock button on his phone and pockets it. “Sorry—it was just a colleague,” he frowns, “I don’t know why they’re contacting me, I already filed a leave for today.”

“Well, if it’s nothing important, I guess we–”

The ringtone, once again, floods the entire room, but this time you urge him to take it as he tosses you and everyone else an apologetic look.

“Sorry. Please excuse me.”

With that, he stands up and heads towards the corner of the restaurant, leaving you with the rest of your family and friends in silence.

“He seems nice,” your cousin offers, and you shoot them a look of gratitude.

“Are you sure about him, Y/N?” your other cousin asks, and you can’t help but freeze upon hearing the question. “Dating a Pro Hero doesn’t seem like easy business.”

“I bet it isn’t,” your father adds gruffly.

You’re about to spit out the best defense in history when Bakugou rushes toward your side, although he doesn’t sit back down. You brace yourself for what’s about to come next.

“That was Pro Hero Deku—there’s been a sighting in the Chofu district of this high-profile villain we’ve been tracking down for weeks,” he fixes his gaze onto you, “And they need both top heroes on the field, ASAP.”

You spring onto your feet with no hesitation, “Okay, but be careful, Katsuki.”

He nods, “Of course.”

With that, he faces everyone else and bows, “I apologize for having to leave early. I hope you enjoy the rest of your meal.”

He doesn’t wait for their responses, attention now shifted back to you.

“Congratulations again, Y/N. I’m sorry.”

You shake your head, forcing a smile on your face in the hopes of easing his worries. He bends down to kiss your forehead, shooting you an apologetic look before excusing himself for the last time and heading for the exit.

You hold onto that congenial smile plastered across your face as your eyes trace his disappearing figure. Once he’s gone, you go back to your seat and will yourself to meet the eyes of those around you.

You see the all-too-familiar worried look on your mother’s face, while your cousins and friends have their eyes down on their plates. Your father, on the other hand, has the same withering look he’s been wearing around you and Bakugou the entire day.

“I bet it isn’t,” your father mutters under his breath, but you heard him clearly.

The third time it happens, it hits closer to home than you expect it to.

After a flurry of important firsts with Bakugou, as well as major life changes that have gotten you breaking down more often than you’d like to admit, your birthday finally rolls around.

As you’ve gotten older, birthdays have indubitably become more mundane. Nevertheless, you went ahead and took the day off of your new job as recruitment personnel in Mirko’s agency, not to celebrate it in crazy ways but in the hopes of spending the entirety of it at home with Bakugou.

Ever since you landed your first job, time spent with your boyfriend has become more and more negligible, with schedule conflicts and inflexibilities of work commitments barring you from seeing each other.

Today was no different.

You wake up to the scent of Bakugou and his citrus body soap, who, as per your request, spent the night prior in your apartment. When you reach out to his side of the bed, though, you’re met with cold emptiness, and your heart sinks in disappointment upon the realization that he’d left.

You at least wanted a good morning kiss for your birthday.

Half awake and reaching blindly for your phone, you bring it up to eye level and check your messages.

It’s only 9:07 AM and your inbox is already flooded with greetings, but none of them is Bakugou’s. Instead, the one text message from him reads:

Hey. Sorry I had to leave early, got some agency-wide meeting Shitty-hair and I are presiding today or something. See you when I get home.

Despite yourself, you deflate at his lack of acknowledgment of your birthday. You shake your head, feeling the ugly emotion of hurt creeping up your spine. Instead, you choose to focus on the fact that he just called your apartment home. Besides, he’s probably just busy right now, you think to yourself. He’ll remember later.

He didn’t remember.

At least, as of 11:45 PM, he hasn’t.

You were still optimistic about things when the day started, going around the house—cleaning to soothe your racing mind, as well as opening the gifts your friends and family had sent to your apartment. By the time lunch rolled around, you had food delivered from your favorite restaurant, which you happily devoured while rewatching a comfort film.

Now and then, you’d thumb at your phone to check if Bakugou’s messaged you a greeting or an update, only to be met with messages and notifications that were the least of your concern.

You lost count of how many times you’ve sighed in discontent, restless for the moment he comes home and proves to you that he absolutely, positively, certainly, hasn’t forgotten.

But before you know it, it’s already 11:45 PM and he still hasn’t walked through your doorway—the last you’ve heard of him being the one text message he left you this morning.

You’re staring blankly at the dinner you’ve prepared for the two of you, devoid of any more expectations, when the door finally clicks open at 11:47 PM and he stumbles in, decked out in his hero costume and visibly exhausted.

“Oh, you’re still awake.”

He seems stunned to see you.

“Patrol went overtime,” he curtly explains as he toes off his boots, “I’m fucking beat.”

You only stare at him from your position on the couch, eyes following his figure as he marches towards the bedroom, possibly to wash off the day’s dirt and grime, barely sparing you a second glance.

“Hey, babe,” Bakugou calls out from the bedroom, who, from the sounds and smell of it, has already come out of the shower.

You hear a rustling noise, “What’s with all these fuckin’ wrappers? Is it your birthday or some shi–”

He falls silent as realization dawns on him, and you shut your eyes in dreadful anticipation. Earlier, when you were still fired up with the day’s anger, you thought you could handle this confrontation (if he ever realized what day it was), but you might’ve overestimated yourself.

Because now, you’re on the couch, hugging your knees and feeling completely pathetic as you hear his footsteps get closer and louder.

Suddenly, your face to face with Bakugou Katsuki, who’s kneeling to peer at you.

And he looks absolutely guilty.

“Y/N, I am so sorry—”

You shake your head. That shuts him up.

“I’m not in the mood for apologies, Katsuki,” you start, “I’m—I’m not mad at you for not having prepared or set aside anything.”

Swallowing the ball in your throat, you press on, “I know you have a lot on your plate right now, and I understand.”

He eagerly nods. You sniff to help hold back the tears that are threatening to spill out, and Bakugou’s hand shoots up to cradle your face in response.

You let him.

“I’m just…” you look down, unable to meet his eye, “disappointed, Katsuki.”

You will yourself to look at him again, “I figured you’d at least remember what today was.”

“Fuck,” he warbles, and now you’re both crying, “I’m sorry, princess. I…”

He trails off, and some twisted part of you is thankful for it. You already know what was going to come out of his mouth—either their staff was a pain in the ass today and he had to step in, or a villain came around to stir shit up, resulting in overtime and him not having the time or energy for anything else.

This way, he could spare both of you the excuses that have seemed to etch themselves onto the tapestry that is your relationship.

“Let me make it up to you,” he says instead.

You don’t know how he plans to do that, but at this point, you’re too tired and hurt to ask or fight back. You gingerly nod your head in agreement.

And with that, he lifts you and carries you into the bedroom, all the while trailing soft, almost hesitant, kisses at the expanse of your neck.

He lays you down gently on the bed, and he climbs on top of you, hovering, until he has his forearms at both sides of your head.

You find yourself melting under the intensity of his loving, albeit guilty gaze.

“Happy birthday, Y/N,” Bakugou whispers, before diving in for a scalding kiss.

And make it up to you, he did.

The day after your birthday, he files for a leave in his agency, as well as cashes in Mirko’s favor from when he saved her ass in a past mission together, successfully giving you an extra paid leave for the day.

He ends up taking you out to a fancy soba restaurant recommended by Todoroki, and to an exhibit you’ve been wanting to see for the longest time, but haven’t gotten around to due to the ungodly wait (thanks to his Pro Hero card, though, you were able to get special passes).

And, it was at the end of that art exhibit when Bakugou pulls you into a private room and tells you he loves you for the first time.

Needless to say, you were over the moon.

But as a great author once said, one can’t undo the pain one caused. One can only atone for it.

Despite yourself, a seed of unease takes shelter and grows inside of you.

The fourth time it happens, it finally escalates into a full-blown fight.

It was a Saturday night, and you were enjoying a nice, stay-in dinner with Bakugou in his penthouse. By some miracle, he was able to take the night off despite the busyness that came with December and the looming holiday season.

“Stop staring at me,” he had said while expertly chopping the assortment of vegetables you bought fresh from the market earlier that day.

You grinned at him, “Not my fault you look sexy when you’re cooking.”

“Shut up, dumbass,” he retorted, but there was no bite to it. If you knew any better, you’d say he was blushing. “Now come help me with this.”

And that, you did. More like fumbled around his luxurious kitchen while he took the lead, but you tried your best. Which brings you to now: you, seated across from Bakugou at his corner coffee table, overlooking the city skyline.

“Eat,” he commands.

You happily indulge him.

Scooping a spoonful of the imoni stew he graciously prepared for you, you bring it to your mouth, all the while not breaking eye contact.

“Mmmm!” you exclaim the second the flavors explode in your mouth, “this is so good!”

He only smirks in response, but you can tell he’s pleased with himself with the way his chest puffs up with pride, “Don’t talk with your mouth full, idiot.”

You giggle at how his words juxtapose the way his tone sounds so smitten. Hastily chewing the cabbage, you regard him after you swallow, “Right, you said you wanted to tell me something?”

At that, he visibly stiffens, and your stomach drops, feeling a shot of dread replace the elation that’s been coursing through your blood ever since the night began.

“Yeah,” he starts, “I’ve been thinking…”

“Yes?” you mentally slap yourself at how nervous you sounded.

He looks you dead in the eye, “And I think it’s about time we move in together.”

You can’t believe your ears.

That’s not what you were expecting him to say.

“What?”

“You heard me,” he places his utensils back on the table, “Think about it, we’ve been dating for almost a year now, and my place is closer to the agency and Mirko’s.”

He shrugs, “And we rarely see each other these days. I figured we can solve that by having you move in with me.”

You try to laugh, but it comes out stilted, “Don’t get me wrong—I’d love to move in with you, Katsuki.” At that, he deflates in what you think is relief.

“But I have to ask—what prompted this? We’ve never talked about living together before.”

He looks down at his clenched fists on the table, and you can’t help how your body tenses in anticipation of the worst.

“This has nothing to do with asking you to move in with me,” he starts, “but there’s another thing I have to tell you.”

Your voice comes out meek when you reply, “What is it?”

“I got chosen to go on a very important solo mission.”

What’s the caveat? your mind immediately conjures the thought. Instead, you say, “Really? That’s awesome, Kats. Congratulations!”

He flashes you a grim smile, “Thanks.”

You force yourself to smile back, chuckling, “But?”

At your utterance of the three-letter word, he sighs, smile now erased from his face, “It’s overseas. Estimated to take about two months.”

You stay silent, just staring at him. He takes this as a sign to drop the last bomb.

“It starts next week.”

At that, you spring onto your feet, “Seriously? Do you even know what you’re gonna miss?”

He follows suit, “Of course! Shit—I’m not a fucking idiot,” he looks to the side in frustration, “I know, and I’m sorry, but this isn’t something I can just pass up.”

The snarky rebut of ‘It actually is’ dies in your throat when the fact of how much being the best matters to Bakugou crosses your mind.

“...But you promised me you’d spend the holidays with my family.” Your tone is quiet now, in stark contrast to earlier. You don’t even get started on the two-month absence.

He huffs, “I know. But I—”

“I’m sorry Katsuki,” you look down in shame, unwilling to look him in the eye, “and I know this is unfair of me, but I just can’t help but feel like you’re choosing your career over me.”

“But this mission could possibly make me number one,” he pleads, “Over shitty Deku, Y/N.”

You can practically hear the pain in his voice when he murmurs the next few words: “Number one.”

You shake your head in resignation—you know where this is going. You’ve gone through the motions of these arguments a hundred times before.

You’re fighting a losing battle.

“I know.”

At your quiet affirmation of his reasoning, Bakugou circles the table and wraps his arms around you, albeit cautiously. Tightening his hold on you, he whispers a soft thank you, and you feel your heart clenching in pain at how awkward and distant he feels despite being so close to you.

You have the urge to ask him if he only asked you to move in with him to soften the blow of what he was going to say next, but you hold your tongue. The last thing you want is for you to go on your separate ways for two months while in the middle of a fight.

You did end up going back to your hometown for the holidays, although with one less companion. Having to answer your family about Bakugou’s whereabouts was a huge pain, with you eventually resorting to terse responses the more times the question got reiterated.

Your family got so involved in the state of your relationship, with your father dropping I told you so’s ever so often that you finally decided you’ve had enough on the night of Christmas, and resolved to leave for Tokyō the next day.

You were planning to just spend the rest of the holidays in your apartment (you never got around to moving into Katsuki’s home), and wallow in your sadness over your relationship, but fortunately (or unfortunately), you ended up going out of your unit to spend New Year’s at Mina’s instead.

You note the profound role her persistence has played in your life.

Fast forward to now, with you having stepped out of the crowded party in her living room and onto the balcony, grateful for the cool, night breeze.

You hear the sliding door creak open behind you, and you don’t need to look over your shoulder to see who it is.

Footsteps pitter-patter against the floor until you find Mina standing there at your right, uncharacteristically quiet.

You don’t want to hear any comforting words about Bakugou’s absence, so you speak ahead, “Thanks, Mina.”

Her head whips to look at you, and she smiles warmly, “For what?”

“For inviting me to celebrate here,” you will yourself to smile back, “I think I needed this.”

She wraps an arm around your shoulders and squeezes you, “Of course. I—uh,”

She pauses, and you look over at her expectantly, “You what?”

She slowly lets you go and fully turns towards you, the ledge supporting her body weight as she leans into it. A serious expression now adorns her face.

“Just that…I’m not the one you should be thanking.”

You mirror her stance, facing her and narrowing your eyes, “What do you mean?”

She sighs, “Don’t tell him, but Bakugou’s actually the one who told me to check in on you.”

You take a step back from her in surprise (or hurt, you’re not sure—the emotions you’ve been feeling these days have been nothing but complex), but Mina’s quick to step forward and grab your hands, holding it in hers.

“He sounded really sorry about having to leave you alone for the holidays, you know.”

You feel the pinprick of tears at Mina’s words, bringing you to look down at your feet as a means of hiding your sadness from your best friend, even if you know that barely conceals how you’re feeling.

“Come here,” she ushers you in for a gentle embrace.

And you do.

You both stand there for what feels like an eternity, with her rubbing small circles on your back and you crying silently on her shoulder.

“He really loves you, you know,” she whispers, after a long pause, “Eiji and I have talked about it with the rest of our friends—we all agree how it’s practically clear as day.”

You squeeze your eyes shut, and allow yourself to bask in the gravity of Mina’s words.

“I know.”

The fifth time it happens, you astound yourself with your lack of resistance.

While Bakugou was out in the US for his solo mission, you decided it was the perfect time to put in the extra effort in your own work.

Whether it was to make something of yourself or to distract yourself from the loneliness that came with Bakugou’s absence, it didn’t matter. The bottom line was you finally had something to work towards, and it felt good.

You’ve been eyeing this promotion to be the Recruitment Lead in Mirko’s hero agency for over three months now, with the deliberation process taking longer than you’d like, only for it to end with you falling short of the other candidate.

You clench your fists at the thought of having received the news earlier that day.

Insecure and dismayed, you’ve been waiting for Bakugou to come home so you can tell him about it. It’s gonna have to be a long story, seeing as you haven’t even gotten around to telling him about wanting the promotion in the first place. In anticipation of the conversation, you stocked up on his favorite snacks and drinks.

Finally, at 8:54 PM, you hear the lock open with a click.

You rush to the entryway of your now-shared home, and flash him an inviting smile, “Welcome home.”

He’s in his regular clothes, having stripped himself of the grime and dirt back in the agency. Good, you think to yourself, you’ll have more time with him like this.

You’re about to ask him if he’s eaten dinner and if he can spend the night talking when he practically, and unceremoniously, collapses on top of you.

You’re agile enough with your arms shooting up to help carry his body weight, clutching his waist and arm to keep you both steady.

“Katsuki?” you squeak.

He only burrows his nose in your neck and huffs, “I’m fuckin’ exhausted. Let’s go to bed, please?”

You can’t help but ache at the sight and sound of you Katsuki beaten to exhaustion like this. So, like the good partner that you are, you nod in affirmation and assist him as you walk to the bedroom, and help him out of his clothes until he’s left in nothing but his boxers.

Now lying on the bed and under the covers, he holds his arm out open for you.

His voice is low and rough: “C’mere.”

And you do.

You climb into bed next to him, settling into his side as a muscled arm drapes across your waist.

You look up at his face, and a part of you hopes his eyes are still open and twinkling with invitation.

For conversation. For intimacy.

For anything.

But you’re only met with the peaceful, sleeping face of your lover.

That was the fifth time it happened.

And the last.

“Is there any reason you dragged me out of my pajamas to come here at–,” he checks his phone, “8:14 PM?”

You ignore Bakugou’s incredulous question, choosing instead to look around the view of the park from the bench where you’re both seated.

You glance at him, all in his bedhead and glasses-wearing glory. He had a long day, as per usual, having arrived home thirty minutes after 7 PM, but you had to have this conversation sooner than later.

“You seriously don’t remember this place?”

“‘Course I do,” he says in a heartbeat. “This is where I took you out on your best first fucking date ever.”

You snort, “That was yours.”

He sits up and scowls at you, offended, “Fuck that shit. That was both of ours.”

You laugh, unable to tease him any longer, “It was. You even flexed your hero skills to me and all.”

He slinks back into the bench, huffing as he crosses his arms over his chest, “Damn straight.”

You roll your eyes, “Show off.”

He snickers, “Simp.”

You shake your head, trying to fight off the grin that’s spreading across your face. Now was not the time for flirty banter. Not with what you’re about to tell him…

“But really, though,” Bakugou pipes up after a few minutes of silence, “what’s up?”

You can tell he’s trying to sound more playful than he usually does. Still, there’s an air of tense anticipation surrounding the both of you, and it’s been there since you asked two weeks ago if he could clear out tonight’s schedule, as you had something important to say.

Here goes nothing.

You exhale, albeit quite shakily, and close your eyes.

“I can’t do this anymore, Katsuki. I’m sorry.”

Your eyes flutter open to see him holding his breath, visibly on guard.

Bakugou’s smart. You’re sure he knows what you’re talking about, if not because of his intelligence but of the way he gulps nervously, no matter how imperceptible that was.

But he still retorts with, “You can’t do what anymore?”

You gesture vaguely at the distance between the two of you. That’s only been growing in the past few months.

“This. Us.”

You heave in a deep, shaky breath, refusing to look at him. He takes your hand into his.

“I can’t bear it anymore. Forcing you to choose between your hero work and me.”

You chance a glance at your Katsuki, and he’s staring at you, eyes brimming with tears and with such intensity that knocks your breath away.

Still, you march on. You have to get this out of your system before you chicken out.

“It hurts me to make you choose. Especially knowing how much you love what you do and how much you’re needed by other people.”

You try to swallow the lump in your throat, but you still end up choking, “But I need you, too, Kats.”

“And, I can’t keep on getting disappointed and hurt like this every time I don’t get chosen.”

At that, you finally let the tears you’ve been holding onto fall down your cheeks, “It’s all too much.”

A part of you still hoped he’d hop onto his feet in protest and beg for you to stay with him and proclaim how he’ll try harder, despite knowing, more or less, that no objections will pour out of his mouth.

True enough, Bakugou remains silent, like the tears that quietly drip down onto his clenched fists.

Because deep down, he knew.

He knew, from the very beginning.

Before he even decided to keep your number. Before he plucked up the courage to send you that first text. Before he sucked it up and asked you out on that first date.

He knew—that no matter how much he tried, he just couldn’t meet you halfway.

tagging. @katsukis1wife

extra credits. katsuki's first date line (tweet). quote about atonement.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA - me and my bestfriend (bsf) of six years recently got into a 2 week long argument and at this point have stopped talking. First i need to provide some back ground of the situation. Last November i became friends with “J”. This itself caused some arguments because they have similar names and sometimes i’d slip and call bsf, J, on accident and would immediately apologize. After a couple times of this happening she got really upset but i explained i’d been doing the same to J and she seemed to be less upset about it.

In the beginning of January, J and her bestfriend “E” got into some pretty serious drama where information from both sides never matched up but i’d known and used to be friends with E for a while. He is not a great guy speaking from past experience. (he constantly talks about how he’s a narcissist very proudly) He was claiming they had slept together and was telling all of his friends about it. She was saying they hadn’t. These rumors had been going around for months about them but had died down until this. the problem is i believed J but bsf was close with E and sided with him. I’d like to make a note through this entire situation neither me or bsf played any roll in it to my knowledge. this was just between E and J. Later on i found out they had slept together from J and asked why she had said they hadnt she said it was an agreement between the two of them that they wouldn’t say anything to anyone else because of the rumors people were already spreading about them being together. But once she found out it was definitely him telling people this time she told me the truth. yeah they had slept together then he forced her to take a plan B even though he knew she was on birth control and they’d used a condom. then ghosted her and pretended not to know her when asked by Js twins sisters best-friend.

Now it’s about 3 weeks ago where i posted two separate story’s saying how much i loved J and her sister and the other about how much i love bsf. about 10 minutes later bsf texted me “just delete this.” i of course asked why but she never responded so i took it down like she asked. later that day she reply’s to a text i had sent her the day before saying “nothing much just wishing i was hanging out with you” she replied “right.” at this point i’m genuinely confused what’s happening i had a feeling it was about J somehow because every time i posted about J it would be the one thing she didn’t like or comment on and she would get annoyed when i’d mention some thing me and J had done recently. i immediately replied with “of course, i love hanging out with you. your my best friend” A couple hours later she send me a three paragraph message saying how she didn’t think that anymore because i was ignoring everything she was telling me about what E was saying. That i was only taking J’s side and always talking about what J was saying about her side. She said I was using her as a separate option that if J couldn’t hang out i would call her. etc at the end of the message she told me she would never make me choose but that she will never trust anything J says. (they’ve literally never met or talked the only thing she hears about J is through E or me) she ends it with do whatever you want to do but don’t do anything for me. keep being friends with her idk i’m keeping my distance from all that. I replied with a message basically saying that she wasn’t the second option, i wasn’t sure who to trust, and that i try to avoid talking about the situation with J. we go back and forth with her apologizing for how she’s acting then getting mad about me not just believing her over everything else i’m being told. Then she tried to claim she never said J was wrong but that she knows she’s lied to me (the thing i mentioned in the first paragraph is the only time she’s lied to me) that she never picked a side and that she can’t believe how hurt she feels when “i’m supposed to be her bestfriend” i brought up the fact that i had asked her more than once if me being friends with her bothered her and she always said no. That this wouldn’t have exploded like this if we could have talked it out before. she took that as me saying this was all her fault.

A couple days later she messages me asking to talk in person i say when and where but she just send me a message about her feelings anyways again apologizing for how she’s acting and that she felt i wasn’t listening to her but it hurt more to lose me etc but continuing to say she doesn’t think i should be friends with J but it’s my choice. I reply i was listening but i think we were both just trying to find the facts in a situation we will never really know who was lying 100%. but i made a point in the massage to say i wasn’t going to stop being friends with J and that i didn’t understand why me and bsf relationship was so affected by me and J’s. She gets mad again bringing up a hate account that was made claiming J had made it but J had shown me that she hadn’t and it was investigated by our school who also said she didn’t do it. that it was my choice to be friends with her but that i don’t understand how it’s affecting her and that it wasn’t fair. at this point i was really mad because it really felt like she was trying to force me to choose between them two in a way. i replied saying she hadn’t made the account and said i don’t think J is the reason we stopped talking and that i feel like she was making me choose even though she was saying she wasn’t. she then replied saying she didn’t make me choose but that i had chose J over her and “that i guess you though she needed more attention” (yeah maybe because J is not mentally handling this well at all and your fine because your not actually involved with this drama) i didn’t reply to her but about another week later i texted her “i just want to be friends with both of you. why can’t i do that” she replied i understand but i don’t think you should be friends with she’s not a good person but hope your having fun it’s all i wanted for you. that’s the end of the messages at this point.

TLDR : (do we do those here??) bestfriend of three years stopped talking to me because i became friends with another girl who later got into drama with best friends close friend E (A PROUDLY SELF PROCLAIMED NARCISSIST I MIGHT ADD)

What are these acronyms?

[ilythena]

·˚ ₊˚ 𝐌𝐲 𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐝 𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤!

🎵 Gherbo - friends & foes.

Sum. ᯤ Being the blue lock characters pretty ass gf.

Char. ⩩ Nagi Seishiro, Reo Mikage, Bachira Meguru PT 2. - Rin Itoshi, Chigiri Hyoma, Isagi Yoichi.

Tags. ⌯ People (it’s actually bachira) hitting on you, you’re an it girl, bad ass bitch frl, kinda crack

𝐍𝐀𝐆𝐈 𝐒𝐄𝐈𝐒𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐎 (なぎせいしろ)

“Where is nagi at?” You mumble, standing on the sidewalk, looking down at your phone to look less awkward to strangers. You’re so hypnotized by your phone you don’t see him and his team walking down. “That girl over there is super pretty.” “She looks really familiar?” Isagi and reo say as they glance at you.

Nagi turns his head to where they’re looking to see you and he smiles. “That’s my girlfriend.” He says and reo laughs, nagi looks him up and down in a ‘the fuck is so funny’ type of way. Reo catches this and scoffs, “no way you’re pulling her.” Kunigami says and as if it was on cue, you hear him and see nagi from across the street. You smile and wave to nagi and he waves you over, reo is shocked. Isagi’s mouth is wide open and he cannot believe it. You walk over saying hello to everyone and clinging to your boyfriends arm and he’s glaring at the whole damn team at this point

“Did he force you to date him? Is this a joke? Nagi got a girlfriend before me?! I’m gonna faint.” Bachira says as he holds onto Isagi and puts a hand on his forehead. You laugh hard and nagi frowns at you mumbling a “how’s that funny?”, Isagi is still standing there in complete shock. “Y-you’re y/n! The one who won the woman’s high school soccer championship in kanagawa! No way!” Isagi says and he’s about to faint literally.

“Y’all just mad I get more action then y’all.” He replies and drags you away from them, your smiling and yelling a “bye! Hopefully I’ll see you all around!” And Bachira is yelling “bring her back!” To nagi.

𝐑𝐄𝐎 𝐌𝐈𝐊𝐀𝐆𝐄 (レオみかげ)

“Reooo! Wait up” you whine, and reo chuckles and slows down a little for you to catch up. You both walk through the doors of the school and immediately all eyes are on the two of you, people staring and mumbling— it honestly scares you a little. You both walk to class and you think something is wrong. Why was everyone looking?

It’s the first time anyone’s ever seen you since you’re new to the school, and you’re nervous beyond belief.

Class goes by and reo pulls you aside as soon as it’s over. “What’s wrong? You look upset.” “Why is everyone staring at us?” Before reo can respond a tall boy with white hair walks over and talks before him. “Are you and reo dating?” Straight to the point. You nod and he smiles, pats reo on the back with a “congrats” and leaves without another word.

Confusion is written all over your face and reo laughs and says “that’s nagi. I’ll introduce you to him one day, but I was gonna say they’re looking bec-“ cut off once again, this time by some random girl, she shoves a camera in your face and smiles “Reo Mikage’s girlfriend! The brand new school sensation. Everyone is fawning over how beautiful she is! What’s your name and how do you feel about all the support and compliments you’ve been getting on the school page?”

Reo sighs and excuses the both of you and drags you outside, everyone smiling at the both of you and suddenly it makes sense. Everyone’s looking because you two are dating and they want to know who exactly you are. Nosy. As you pass groups of people you hear them mumbling “it’s no surprise reo got the prettiest girl here. It is reo mikage.” “They’re both so cute. I don’t know if I want to be reo or be with reo.” “Reo better watch out, cause if they break up I’m going for her first thing!”

You smile as he drags you down the hall and laugh. He sees and smiles as well, happy you finally understood and aren’t upset anymore.

𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐀 𝐌𝐄𝐆𝐔𝐑𝐔 (ばちらめぐる)

Logging on to Instagram, you read through the comments of your recent post.

Isagiyoichi: ❤️

User26774: 😍😍😍

^chigirihyoma_: Bachira we know this is u come to practice ugly.

S3ishir0: Nobody Doing it Like y/n ig….

^y/nsthebest: fym “ig…” 🤨

Thebestmikage: WHATS 4+4?

^rensuke50: ATE!

You laugh at your friends comments and get dressed to go through the day. Walking to the soccer practice you smile and yell “heyyy!” To everyone and everyone yells hey back, but nobody was as loud as Bachira. He stops everything he’s doing to run over to you and hug you despite how sweaty he is.

“You’re sweaty bachi’” you whine, and push him off of you because you don’t want him to ruin your clothes. Chigiri yells “Bachira come here and finish practice! We’re almost done.” “Wanna spend time with the light of my life” and nagi fake throws up in the corner. “We know y/n would never go for you Bachira give it up! She really want me instead” reo jokes, and Bachira takes a random shoe and throws it at him.

Reo chases Bachira and kunigami screams “my shoe! I spent money on that shit you know!” You laugh and Isagi kicks you out because apparently you’re too much of a distraction for the team (Bachira.)

You spend the rest of the day home and hear loud knocks on your door. Who else would it be? Bachira shoves his way into your home and flops on top of you on the couch. “They’re bullies” he fake cries and you stroke his hair and laugh. “My poor Bachi.” You kiss his forehead and he hums into your chest.

You take out your phone and snap a picture of him on you and post it on your story, adding a text saying “@bachiraluvsy/n the best bf” and post it. You put the phone down and silence it, only wanting to focus on your boyfriend for the rest of the day.

Notification Center:

2 hours ago

Reo <3: Y/N ARE U FR.

Reo <3: I LOST TO BACHIRA?

Nagi :x: LMFAOOOO REO MAD AS SHIT RN

Nagi :x: *attachment: 1 image*

[radfemfox5]

LOL that guy you were arguing with a few days ago changed his entire blog. i think you radicalized him LMFAOOO

here's him still malding about your argument: https://www.tumblr.com/mommabearlaciii/732929534465359873

It's been 3 days, honey. Why are you acting like a martyr? Please move on. Get a job. Or a hobby.

This is doubly hilarious to me because he warns others not to waste their time speaking to radfems while wasting multiple days seething about our conversation, to the point that he changed his whole blog...

Guess I have to address this in its entirety since he won't shut the fuck up about it. Buckle up, gyns.

For some added context as to why I immediately assumed this was a troll when I saw his post, this is what his blog looked like:

Jeez, I thought, what a terrible troll. It was so on the nose as to be comical. I soon realized that he was anything but a troll.

I was incredibly tame in my response to his insanely misogynistic post, to the point where I chided myself afterwards for not going harder on him.

In retrospect, being "civil" with him was the best way to go, as my reblog is simple, concise and clear: woman = female. That's literally it.

In spite of how simple my comment was, he still went on an unhinged rant mere minutes after I pressed reblog. It's honestly not worth reading, but for the sake of transparency I'll include screenshots.

Honestly, I was shocked to see how quickly he typed this whole thing out. Rage must increase your typing speed.

It's pretty funny to me that someone whose blog name used to be "adult human female" got so incredibly mad at me for stating that women are female. Shouldn't you agree with me, if you think trans women are female? Hm.

Following this, I wasn't planning on interacting with him again. I left a one word reply and thought that would be it. He kept replying with questions, which devolved into an extremely long exchange in the replies that had some interesting moments. Like him elaborating on why he believes trans women become female, which boils down to "amalgamation of female-approximate traits = female."

Source for his claim that sex is a bimodal distribution between two poles? No clue.

Basically this:

The graph he provided in lieu of a source:

I'm confused about this graph for multiple reasons, namely, the fact that it conflates sex and gender. Mostly, I'm confused about the extremities. Are the people on the far left of the graph "ultra female", and people on the far right "ultra male"? It's complete nonsense, not to mention that he doesn't provide a link to the source this graph is from, it's a commentated screenshot of a tweet with the graph.

Looking into it, the graph comes from a blog post by a transgender real estate agent. I would not consider this a reliable or credible source whatsoever, especially when the post goes on to say this:

You heard it here first, folks, having a small penis means you're less male, and a larger clitoris means you're less female. That makes total sense. I was half expecting them to include this image:

Back to the post: I attempted to explain to him that being in the female range of a specific trait doesn't mean you're female, without much success.

Speaking with him felt like trying to capture a feral cat. It was like I kept having to appease him with treats to keep him from hissing and scampering off. I've never had this feeling when speaking to any other trans person on this webbed site, they usually either block me immediately or have a conversation and then block me when they realize I actually have valid arguments to make. It was definitely a new experience for me. I have screenshots if anyone cares enough to see the full thing.

He did end up realizing I wasn't as complacent as he thought, and blocked me after leaving another beautiful essay in my DMs. The post that pushed him over the edge? The one where I made fun of the breastfeeding fetishist nominal.naomi. Why? Because I implied that males are ugly slobs that can't take pictures. Lol.

It's funny that this interaction seemingly got him to reconsider his time on Tumblr, to the point that he did a complete 180.

You know what, I'll take it. Some of his posts unintentionally call for gender abolition and acknowledge gendered labour inequalities. Sure, he reinforces gendered stereotypes while doing so, but at least he's saying something.

If I can get a misogynistic lesbian fetishist to change his entire blog to regurgitate basic feminist talking points and think he's owning Le TERFs... That's probably the funniest thing to happen to me here.

To be clear, that doesn't make him any less violent towards women he disagrees with.

To conclude: This entire exchange has made me realize that I don't have that many serious posts on this blog compared to my previous blogs. I'll start working on some more serious posts. If you gyns have any suggestions for subjects I could discuss in more of a serious or analytical tone, feel free to shoot me an ask or a DM.

[rodismancave]

A reminder to new folks because I feel I need to say this. It's a few specific rules and more of a 'this is how i roleplay' thing. It kinda got away from me fast but alas, I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable for any reason so I just said what I feel i need to say to make that happen.

My muse is mean. It's usually nothing personal but he is Mean if provoked. There is a line and it is Thin.

This extends to his friends, mostly as a show of ease around them and as jokes, its just how he is. a little jokey joke. he says things without thinking and sometimes that leads to misunderstanding or an otherwise "cruel" comment. He normally doesnt mean it like that (unless he does)

this account is like 80% crack. i am here to have fun and be silly. if you take me seriously and get offended by it then I'm sorry but frankly, I have stated this many, many times. I do roleplay serious stuff, I do focus on a little bit of storytelling every once in a while, but for the most part I am silly and quirky. My portrayal won't always be 100% ic, sometimes a little ooc is healthy, for the bit. I stay committed to the bit, always.

Of course. if he's mean to your muse and you don't like it then you can let me know and I'll tone it down. I'll never be an asshole to people I dont know are 100% down to it or who aren't familiar with how my muse acts. However, sometimes being mean is in character with my muse and theres no other way around it. But the more intense, "i want to cause psychic damage" convos I will always ask if its okay for my muse to go hard on yours.

Rodimus is aware of the multiverse. This does not mean he's aware of the history of each multiverse. He may be aware of them, briefly, but he is really not going to dwell on it much and if you expect him to know it he just. wont. He doesn't really care all that much. This is also to say that he may confuse your muse for someone in his crew because of looking alike, and will treat you as such unless proven otherwise.

There are no people who are "canon" to Rodimus' crew, not at the moment. The only ones who I can say with confidence who are in his crew are @weavingmemoir and @stealthfeline, who are also my muses. This is for practicality. If your muse is part of the Lost Light crew in general, though (brainstorm, whirl, megatron, etc) you can respond to my lost light posts as if you were a member of his crew, I dont really mind. Like I said: commitment to the bit, always. The bit is always funnier when more people join.

Don't pretend like your muse knows mine and vice versa without talking to me first. This is mostly about muses outside G1 and IDW, or even people in IDW that Rodimus never really met, as well as OCs. It isn't really towards muses who HAVE interacted with Rodimus at least a few times. It is Awkward having to figure that out, and I'm not particularly a fan of having to dig around for people's relationships to understand what's going on between your muse and mine.

I don't really care if your muse is banging another Rodimus, or anyone else from his crew. Like I genuinely do not care, and neither does he.

I'll always make adjustments if you ask me to. I'll create new verses to fit with your muse, but that requires communication first and foremost. This also goes for events, if you want in on an event just talk to me and we'll see about it together. My events are never 100% thought out because I like leaving space for other participants to have a say in what happens. I just think its fun, like a group project (but less stressful)

When interacting with me I ask to lay off on the quirky colors and varying different fonts in one single reply. I have a lot of difficulty reading things like that and it strains my vision and it gives me a headache. Just, always have the same font throughout, and if there are different fonts, please let them be at least readable. The standard tumblr fonts are fine, except 'lucille', and the small font tends to me specially frustrating sometimes.

This is a g1/idw based blog. I take stuff i like from g1 and stuff i like from idw and i slam it together until I have something I like. Rodimus does not like the prime title, he does not miss being a prime, and he absolutely does not appreciate being called one, unless its doing things for his ego or to make himself look greater than he is. He is an Ass.

[masonscig]

can i ask why people in the fandom seem to really dislike mishka? (censoring her name and such) this is not meant in an offensive way to you or to anyone else, i’m just new here and kind of confused. like did she do something legitimately wrong or are people just irked by the writing of the new book? hope you have a great day <3

OH yeah sorry i can definitely see how that's confusing to new people LMAO

so, it's a bit of both imo – i've been here since 2020, shortly after book 2 dropped, so my perspective is a lot different than newer fans

so, one of the reasons i censor her name, is because tumblr changed the search functions – used to be, when you looked up something, it was only things that were in that exact word order in a tag – so if you spelled t/w/c wrong in some way, it'd only show up results that were misspelled, if that makes sense

but now, it's like if you look up any word, random posts that mention it anywhere in the post will show up too – and i would rather not open myself up to the m*shka bootlickers bc i just do not have time for that LMFAO

i rarely maintag things these days because i just don't want to be perceived by so much of this fandom, but that's just a me thing

also, in terms of what she did "wrong"... on top of problematic stuff in text, there's a few things i can think of off the top of my head:

encouraging white/washed art by reblogging on to her dev blog while knowingly having the official skintone palette locked behind a paywall (patreon)

when called out for the above, they did vet their pieces i guess – by only reblogging black and white pieces, and art of detectives. then they stopped reblogging art completely

posting a white hand for a morgan instagram edit – and taking hours to delete the harassment in the replies, some of which being actually racist comments with slurs pointed at black people

in a q&a video, referred to m as an "attack dog", which was super insensitive, considering the consistent comparison of m to an animal across all platforms (text, tumblr posts, patreon content)

her treatment of f over the years, both in text and outside of it. her asks were a huge reason that the fandom has an infantilized view of f and they don't even consider them to be a love interest (much less one that gets physically intimate). they see them as a child. this bullet point is a massive one that would take too long to explain. i could probably write an essay on how problematic it is to immediately "other" your singular black character by literally making them an otherworldly alien, but i do not have the time

how she writes nb/trans characters. from what my friends have said who code dive, they get the same dialogue and variants that women do. obviously if you don't code dive or play with nb characters you probably wouldn't notice, but there are a good chunk of people in the fandom who play with nb oc's so... this is something that should be better, but it's not

to add to the above, she said she was getting sensitivity readers but... did they do anything? look at book 3 and tell me if they actually did anything (i have a feeling maybe those sensitivity readers were white queer people)

overall, it's very hard to explain and condense the fuckery my mutuals and i have seen both m*shka do over the years, and what her fans have let slide/incidents they've coddled her up during.

sadly, she doesn't take hard stances on things. she just lets things happen and that just. doesn't bode well if your argument for all these mistakes is "ignorance". if she's getting 10k a month on patreon plus sales (not to mention the fact she's a grown ass woman), then... it's the bare minimum to ask for her to be mindful of her audience and to do better.

and also book 3 sucks xoxo

[rookrecurring]

I don’t know where you’re at with this question or how often you’ve been asked it, but how are you doing these days? What have you been up to? I did a triple take when you started posting again and it’s good to see your art again! I hope you’ve been well.

—longtime RMR fan

Hi! This is such a kind message, I appreciate you checking in. I feel like I've been offline for so long that I'm always surprised to hear anyone remembers me or Red Moon Rising at all, haha. I've received a few emails here and there from former readers over the years which I've replied to, but I think it's probably time to say something more public in case anyone else has similar questions.

I tried and completely failed to keep this concise - sorry for rambling all over your relatively simple ask, but the long and short of it is: I'm doing pretty ok! Life is confusing and difficult! More under the cut!

In all honesty, I burned out very badly while working on Red Moon Rising. The tipping point unfortunately coincided with the Kickstarter for the print version (way back in 2017), but in retrospect it was a long time coming.

Shocking no-one, webcomics basically pay nothing and I was treating it as a job on top of the commission and freelance work I was paying the bills with, and in the end it just kind of crushed me. I became very overwhelmed with the work required to get the comic ready for print in the time that followed, so I never quite gave myself space to recover from the burnout because I felt such an obligation to fulfill the Kickstarter - people had paid good money for this and I wanted them to receive the books they had been promised.

The good news these days is that the Kickstarter is more or less all the way there. My publisher has been an absolute saint this entire time, checking in with me about the work without ever being demanding or pushy, and a few months ago a box arrived at my flat with all three volumes (consisting of the first 300-ish pages) of Red Moon Rising in print.

It's hard to be ecstatic after such a tiring journey to put it all together, but I'm proud of what we made. I can't overstate what a great job I think my publisher has done and how kind they've been to me - they received a lot of flak from people about the massive delays and never once threw me under the bus or pressured me to work harder or faster.

Regarding RMR's future: the website is currently down, but it shouldn't be for long. I've had some help from a friend recently (a recurring trend that I'm very grateful for) and the site should be back online soon more or less as it was. Pages, commentary, comments, everything.

However, the comic will remain on semi-permanent hiatus - never say never, but for the moment I've moved on.

I'm sure this isn't a surprise considering the last page was posted six years ago, but I hope it's not too disappointing for anyone. I always thought I would come back to it sooner or later, but I still feel like I need some space.

-

On an even more personal note, it's been a crazy few years. I think everyone has had a difficult time recently what with the… well, everything. I've been through a lot of health problems, some very difficult housing and financial situations, and I also came out as gay and asexual to my friends and family, and now to anyone who happens to be reading this.

Fortunately I have no horror stories regarding this last point, everyone around me has been beyond supportive and kind. I think the main takeaway I have from this period of my life is how amazing my friends are. I could probably fill this post to the character limit talking about the lovely people in my life and the numerous kind things they've done for me. I'm in a very good place right now thanks to them.

So in a post-Kickstarter, post-RMR world I'm at a bit of crossroads these days. I feel like my burnout has finally more or less faded and I've quietly been up to all sorts of small things.

I spent a lot of this year learning Japanese to an intermediate level (mostly through watching hundreds of episodes of Super Sentai shows in pure Japanese), something that didn't occur to me I would ever be capable of until I started doing it

I've been composing more orchestral music and sending it to like two people

I did a game jam!

I picked up Python programming recently and am trying to create a program to act as a music composition aid

I speedran learning Blender last year for a job application and made exactly one (1) piece using it that went so well I'll probably never draw a building by hand ever again

I've been playing a lot of DnD and other tabletop RPGs and made quite a bit of art related to those that I never posted anywhere

My biggest freelance project of the year was doing all the art for a friend's board game project that I'm cautiously excited about - it should be seeing the light of day some time next year

Basically I'm approaching some sort of critical mass of "uhhh maybe someone on the internet might like to see what I'm up to if I actually posted it" and now I'm confronting the scary emotions of once again being visible online. Yet another friend has offered to help me set up some kind of art stream in the near future and I think I might actually work up the nerve to do it.

-

Compared to 2017 the internet now is obviously a very different place and it's quite intimidating to step back into it if I'm being honest. It feels like there's much more pressure on Cultivating A Brand™ and I can already tell I'm going to be completely terrible at it because that pressure to be a consistent Content Creator™™™ totally smashed my brain in before and I'm not interested in going there again.

On the other hand, I appreciate that someone who is interested in seeing my handful of bird drawings one month might not also be interested in seeing my Tokusou Sentai Dekaranger fanart the next. I don't really know what to do about that except post these things anyway, because otherwise they're just piling up on my hard drive.

So that's it, really! My life is a lot more stable these days and I'm tentatively planning on posting more stuff here and possibly other places too. Thanks again for the ask, and sorry for the impromptu novel!

[howyouloveyourdragon]

if you don't feel comfortable reading, this is basically a notice saying that for now i am still on a break from posting but when i return, i think that my posting schedule will be changing from 3-4 to 1-2 fics/requests a week or random until further notice

i do not expect to be gone too long because im too feral for that but this is a general explanation i guess :)

!!TW!! E.D!! (eating disorder)

hi my lovies ♡ so you've probably already noticed by now if you have been following me for awhile that my posting schedule has shifted sporadically over the past few months and i post fics much less regularly than i did when i started out

if you have followed me recently then this will probably not affect the speed you see my fics in, this post is primarily so that my older followers know why i have been slower in releasing my series', wips, requests etc

i love posting for all of you and hearing all your positive feedback and comments but unfortunately my eating disorder has resurged and it's just not possible for me to prioritise posting over fixing this and my wellbeing as i've had a lot of not nice thoughts biting their way in again. i also don't think anyone will be surprised when i say that this fandom has also driven in some stress and discomfort recently so i need a break away from that as well even though so many people have been so nice to me on here

!! HOWEVER !!

i will still be posting as often as i feel comfortable with so this is not a goodbye and the longest i think i will be gone might be two weeks at longest (i'll put up another statement if it does end up being longer than that)

for now fic recs have been on hiatus because i plainly haven't had the time to read them but when i get back oh ho ho i have a big ole spam list for you

it means so much to me that so many of you have followed, interacted and supported me since i made this account in november, i never expected this to be more than just an outlet for my writing, i am so grateful to you all and for all of my beloved moots that i met here who are all the loveliest people ever i love you all very much and can't wait to binge your works when i return, enjoy the thea spam ♡♡♡

and to everyone who has gotten to the bottom of this page, it matters so much to me that people genuinely care about what i put out so thank you for listening and as far as interactions go, don't be afraid if you get a message or reply from @simp-aholic after interacting (which is still very welcome), that's my other account, i won't be checking this account too often during my break but im still fairly active over there ♡♡♡ i am aware that i do not need to explain myself but i did want to help anyone who might be confused, or not have got the memo that im on a break, understand where i've been and what to expect until i come back

you have all been so lovely to me,

mwah buh bye ♡

(also to all my moots tagging me i swear i'll get to it when i come back! i am very much looking forward to it!)

[belmottetower]

🚀 Do you like to outline your fic first or create as you go?

🎁 Have a piece of a WIP you want to share?

🚀 Do you like to outline your fic first or create as you go? I tend to map out like, the main plot moments I want to hit and then write them out in fairly chronological order. I am not always the best at getting timelines right though - how things fit in with the canon of the show, historical dates etc, and so I'm trying to get better about mapping that out more concretely. I also sometimes as I'm writing will think of a scene that needs to be inserted in the middle of some earlier already written parts. For those I tend to just go and leave a comment of like "INSERT X SCENE HERE" and come back to them at the end.

🎁 Have a piece of a WIP you want to share? This is a scene from the final chapter of in a language that you can't read just yet. It may change a bit by the time it gets posted, but in the meantime enjoy!

This evening’s Mexican meal has been somewhat of a quiet affair. Dani’s made tacos — and fine, Jamie can admit they are way better than Wahaca — and he's got the drinks and the music set up for them as usual, but overall, he’s acting well, kind of gloomy.

He’s been like that all week actually. Tonight he keeps shooting Jamie mournful little looks around bites of carnitas tacos and finally Jamie gives in.

“Alright, muchacho,” he says, putting his taco back on the plate and the plate down on the coffee table. “You’ve got a face like a wet weekend. What’s up? Spill it.”

Dani just stares at him in confusion. “How can a face look like a weekend? Jamie, this makes no sense.”

Jamie rolls his eyes. “I just mean you look fucking miserable. What’s wrong?”

Dani sighs and puts his own plate down. “I am feeling very bad about what has happened with Julio. So guilty.”

Jamie goes cold. Has Dani figured it out somehow? But he forces himself to stay calm as he carefully asks “What do you mean guilty?” He likes eating on the sofa with Dani, but right now he wishes they were sitting at the table so that he could hide his clenching hands. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Exactly!” Dani wails, and Christ, he looks halfway to tears. “I knew that Julio was not right. I knew he was a bad person and I did not say anything. Every time I walk past someone at the club, I am wondering if they are the person he hurt and if I had spoken something sooner maybe he would have been gone and…” 

Oh, fuck no, Jamie thinks. No way. He can’t be having Dani, of all people, bearing the burden for this.

“It was me,” Jamie blurts out quickly, and Dani falls silent, staring at him. “It was me, I’m the person. He’d been harassing me all season, and then before the Wolves match he, well, he — what Ted said, you know. And then he tried to have another go after I was sent off, he came over. It was me, okay, so you don’t have to wonder. But you can’t take any of the blame, Dani, it was him at fault, not you, oh fuck, no don’t cry!”

Because Dani is sobbing now, and it would almost be funny except to his horror Jamie is crying too, and then they’re launching themselves at each other and weeping into each other’s necks.

“I’m so sorry,” Dani cries, and Jamie shakes his head firmly. 

“No! Don’t you dare apologise! I didn’t want anyone to know, but knowing you saw what he was like helped, Dani, I swear. It made me feel less crazy.”

They cling to each other for God knows how long, their food forgotten, and eventually Dani pulls back and inspects Jamie intently. His face is red and swollen and wretched. Jamie’s sure he’s not looking too pretty himself.

“But you are doing okay?” Dani asks, fiercely. “You must have told the people at the club, sí? Ted, and Rebecca? They are looking after you now?”

“Yeah,” Jamie replies, wiping at his face with his sleeve and sniffing slightly. “Yeah, the club has been really good. When they found out what happened they got rid of him immediately. And Keeley and Roy, they know. They’ve been taking good care of me.”

Dani raises an eyebrow at that. “Oh? They have now?” And oh, fuck it. He supposes this was inevitable, but he still rolls his eyes.

“Stop!” he says, feeling himself blush. “It’s not…we’re not… Right, no. Fine. It is. But we’re taking it slowly, okay?”

“Taking it slowly,” Dani repeats back to him. His grin looks a little out of place on his tear stained face, but Jamie is glad to see nonetheless. “But you are taking it somewhere?”

“Yeah,” Jamie says, smiling back. He’s aiming for soft, but he thinks he might look a little bit smug. “I’ve wanted them for ages.”

“I know, Jamie.” Dani nudges him affectionately and smirks. “You have not been subtle my friend, but then neither have they.”

Jamie doesn’t think they’ve been that bad, but he’s never been known for subtlety, so Dani is probably right. “Piss off,” he says, though, and shoves back.

“So… What parts would you like to tell me about?” Dani asks. Fuck, he’s such a good guy. So good at asking the right questions.

“Something happened in the summer, with Roy, right.” Dani nods, and Jamie continues. “I thought it was all leading somewhere, and they apparently thought so too, we were all just kind of… waiting to make a move. But Julio… he fucked with my head, you know. And they could tell something was up with me, and didn’t want to push. So. We’d not explored it. But I only came clean to them when they found out about him, so we've not really started up with anything proper yet. We’re not, like, sleeping together or anything. Well no. I guess we are ACTUALLY sleeping together, but not in the…”

“It is okay, amigo,” Dani laughs. “I understand what you are saying. For now you are just sleeping in the same bed, but in the future you will be not-sleeping in the same bed, yes?”

“Yeah. That.” It’s not strictly true, but Jamie’s not sure he’s up for trying to explain the sex they did have. He’s not sure he can put it into words. Anyway, they’ve not done anything like that since, and probably won't any time soon, so Dani doesn’t need to know the details. “They’re just being nice and wonderful and caring. But. They said they’re fine with me taking all the time I need.”

“I am so happy for you!” Dani hugs him again, but there are no tears this time. “I had wondered what had taken you all so long, but now I know I’m just glad you have all got there in the end!” 

“Yeah, well,” Jamie says quietly. “Me too.”

“I do like the sound of this just-sleeping together though. Perhaps you could spend the night and we can do that also? I have not been sleeping so well. I think this would help, yes?”

He’s half pouting, and there’s no way Jamie can say no to that face. “Yeah. Of course, mate. I’m sorry this has been making you feel like shit. I’m always up for a cuddle.” He emphasises his point by giving Dani a little squeeze. Then they pull apart from each other and Jamie leans forwards to pick up his plate again. The tacos are a little cold now, but still good. 

From the writer ask game here.

[embervoices]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Acquired from @cuubism

If you see this and are a writer on AO3, consider yourself tagged!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

31

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

400,433

3. What fandoms do you write for?

That are posted to AO3? Dragon Age and Good Omens, so far. I do have WiPs in The Sandman (one of which is a Neverwhere crossover), and Labyrinth.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

The Canticle of Dreams (Dragon Age, M - By far the longest, so that makes sense)

I Meant To Do That! - The Inquisitor Coyote Story (Dragon Age, T [so far] - Will probably end up the most kudos if I ever finish it)

Initial Summoning (Good Omens, G - My oldest GO fic, first in a series)

Cheese! (Dragon Age, G - A silly fic from my self-insert series)

To Give A Hand To Each (Good Omens, E - Reader-insert smut!)

(Those all require logins to read, sorry.)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes, I try to reply to every single comment, but occasionally miss one. It seems only fair, if they took the time to leave one.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Well, The Canticle of Trials (Dragon Age, M), but that's because it doesn't really end at the end. It's an angsty detour in the middle of a larger story.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably Objects of Affection (Good Omens, T).

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Thus far, no. The worst I ever got was expressed as aghast confusion rather than hate, and I don't assume it was intended negatively.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Occasionally. Whatever comes to mind, as long as I can figure out how to do it justice.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I do, yeah. The most thorough is the Sandman/Neverwhere I've got in early stages WiP right now.

Depending what one considers a "crossover" vs. "reference", the craziest is probably Execution (Dragon Age, T) which is officially set in Dragon Age, but careens through multiple Legend of Zelda, Disneyland, Neverwhere, and Labyrinth settings.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of. Most of it's self-insert, which probably makes it kind of hard to steal effectively. It's hard to imagine anyone bothering.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

If poetry counts, yes! В чужих объятьях is a translation of Falling Silent (Good Omens, G).

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, several times.

I Meant To Do That! - The Inquisitor Coyote Story (Dragon Age, T) is co-written with SeabhacMhor

The Canticle of Trials (Dragon Age, M) was written with help from Cowoline (I could have sworn she was credited as co-author but apparently not… I should ask if she wants to be!)

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

I'm an Armada type. I want all the ships. By all means, give me the ridiculously complex giant crossover polycule, baby!

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Anything current enough for me to count it as a WiP is something I choose to believe I can finish someday!

16. What are your writing strengths?

Probably silly comedy? I think I'm pretty good at dialogue?

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I'm not actually very good at story structure. Luckily, in fanfic I can rest on the established story structure! Ha!

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I can't really distinguish character voice in other languages in writing, so I'm wary of it. I do know a bit of Spanish, so if it doesn't need to be skillful, like, if the characters themselves aren't fluent, I could try it myself, sure.

Otherwise, I'd want a co-writer who is fluent in the relevant language.

If it's a conlang, then I'll happily engage, and have in bits for Elvhen in Dragon Age fic. But I'm less worried I'll get that wrong, because nobody else speaks it either!

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Uhhh… technically I think Disney's Beauty and the Beast? Didn't really think about it that way at the time, and the results weren't great. I wrote one Buffy the Vampire Slayer fix it fic in my late teens/early 20s, plus a little bit of a couple others that never got off the ground.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

It's kind of hard to top my 200k+ word "main fic", The Canticle of Dreams (Dragon Age, M). At least, that's what I'm most proud of.

[yt-playlists]

Comment by teh_dentist on Reddit

I've lurking for a while and this seems like a prime post to begin my karma career on reddit.

Background: I am a current dental student (aka studying to be a dentist). Sorry for the name confusion O.o

Since I really don't know how to post, I decided...what the hell...I'll respond to the post sorted on top! I'll go over some of the information on this page simply because I'm reading so much confusing stuff on here it's boggling my mind. I'm willing to reply to anyone who has a question as well but heed my warning...

*DISCLAIMER* I am not a licensed dentist. I am not a licensed health care professional. I do not guarantee that anything I say is set in stone but simply information that I have garnered over a few years of school thus far. I will try to say only things I definitely know something, but nothing I say is 100% for sure positively correct. Not to say I'm out to provide wrong information or anything... I'm just doing this for fun tbh.

Anywho.. in response to your bullet points:

*1. Novamin (calcium sodium phosphosilicate) is in a lot of remineralizing stuff now and it does work. There are ongoing trials with it as a helpful in preventing further damage and possibly remineralizing (lots of conflicting research I think). All in all though, teeth more or less can't remineralize in large amounts. Very small areas of the outer layers of teeth can remineralize, but once large damage is done..it's done.

*2. YES. EVERYONE BRUSHES TOO HARD. No one should be using anything but a soft tooth brush (literally labelled soft). Getting a tooth brush with harder bristles will only cause damage.

*3. I can't repeat this enough. floss. i know you hate it. i hate it. your mom hates it. floss hates itself. but there is NO replacement that is as effective as floss. Waterpiks may help and they may do the trick, but there is nothing as good as getting in between there once a day.

*4. Mouthwash is a good adjunct, but if you don't brush and floss your teeth correctly. No amount of mouthwash will save ye mortal.

*5. Oral-B whitening strips do work.

*6. Can't speak to the clinical results in regards to whitening toothpaste but a lot of the color of your teeth is not determined by the enamel. Most of it actually comes from the tooth underneath. Some people just have darker teeth, deal with it. Whitening products will only remove staining and don't really have much effect (studies on this are kinda meh too) on the inner layers of teeth.

TL;DR im a dental student. this is only advice, not law. i'm not a dentist..yet. Brush lightly. Use floss. Use mouthwash too if you want. Use oral-b white strips if you want. Whitening toothpaste works...kinda.

[rewiredthethirdblog]

Comment by teh_dentist on Reddit

I've lurking for a while and this seems like a prime post to begin my karma career on reddit.

Background: I am a current dental student (aka studying to be a dentist). Sorry for the name confusion O.o

Since I really don't know how to post, I decided...what the hell...I'll respond to the post sorted on top! I'll go over some of the information on this page simply because I'm reading so much confusing stuff on here it's boggling my mind. I'm willing to reply to anyone who has a question as well but heed my warning...

*DISCLAIMER* I am not a licensed dentist. I am not a licensed health care professional. I do not guarantee that anything I say is set in stone but simply information that I have garnered over a few years of school thus far. I will try to say only things I definitely know something, but nothing I say is 100% for sure positively correct. Not to say I'm out to provide wrong information or anything... I'm just doing this for fun tbh.

Anywho.. in response to your bullet points:

*1. Novamin (calcium sodium phosphosilicate) is in a lot of remineralizing stuff now and it does work. There are ongoing trials with it as a helpful in preventing further damage and possibly remineralizing (lots of conflicting research I think). All in all though, teeth more or less can't remineralize in large amounts. Very small areas of the outer layers of teeth can remineralize, but once large damage is done..it's done.

*2. YES. EVERYONE BRUSHES TOO HARD. No one should be using anything but a soft tooth brush (literally labelled soft). Getting a tooth brush with harder bristles will only cause damage.

*3. I can't repeat this enough. floss. i know you hate it. i hate it. your mom hates it. floss hates itself. but there is NO replacement that is as effective as floss. Waterpiks may help and they may do the trick, but there is nothing as good as getting in between there once a day.

*4. Mouthwash is a good adjunct, but if you don't brush and floss your teeth correctly. No amount of mouthwash will save ye mortal.

*5. Oral-B whitening strips do work.

*6. Can't speak to the clinical results in regards to whitening toothpaste but a lot of the color of your teeth is not determined by the enamel. Most of it actually comes from the tooth underneath. Some people just have darker teeth, deal with it. Whitening products will only remove staining and don't really have much effect (studies on this are kinda meh too) on the inner layers of teeth.

TL;DR im a dental student. this is only advice, not law. i'm not a dentist..yet. Brush lightly. Use floss. Use mouthwash too if you want. Use oral-b white strips if you want. Whitening toothpaste works...kinda.

[xx-kroww-xx]

small rant re: “I don’t read WIPs”

for those of you who refuse to read unfinished fics because you don’t want to be disappointed or want to read it all at once: I hope you realize that lack of engagement from readers during the process of posting is part of what kills WIPs.

Sure, I write for myself first and foremost, but the reason I write FANFIC is because I want to engage with the FAN COMMUNITY. I can’t speak for all authors, obviously, but getting comments—and not just praise, but questions, thoughts, stream of consciousness rambles—are what keep me going as a writer. I want to hear what you think, and I want to talk about it. I try to respond to comments when at all possible, and every single non-hate comment makes my day. I’m sure someone out there is rolling their eyes and thinking this is just attention-seeking, but you know what? It is. Seeking attention and engagement from others is a critical part of our lives and it is not inherently bad. Part of being in a fan community is engaging with other fans—it’s the lifeblood of our community. Reblogging, replying, tagging, commenting, are all what fandom runs on.

And that includes WIPs. The logic is simple. If you want a fic to be finished? TELL THE AUTHOR THAT YOU LIKE IT. Getting that feedback makes it INFINITELY more likely that the author will be motivated to do so. Read, comment, ask questions if you have them. Doesn’t have to be anything fancy. A simple “I liked it!” goes a LONG way. I can’t overstate how important this is if you want authors to continue writing. Sure, some authors write out an entire longfic before they start posting, and that’s fine. But that’s not how everyone operates.

Imagine if an artist posted a sketch and got zero engagement because everyone who saw it thought “oh, I’m waiting for it to be finished” before reblogging or commenting. The artist might conclude that their piece wasn’t good or popular and simply scrap the whole thing. Sure, you could say that’s a lack of intrinsic motivation, but my point is that it doesn’t feel good to put something out there and get no response. Imagine putting on a performance and hearing nothing but crickets from the audience. You’d probably be confused, and a little upset. You’d wonder what they were thinking. Did they think it was so bad it wasn’t even worth engaging with? Feedback is a critical part of making art of any type—drawing, writing, performing, or otherwise.

Art is a social process. We write fics because we want people to read them. We write fics as a way of engaging with other fans. If you like a fic’s concept but won’t read it because it’s unfinished, you’re shooting yourself in the foot and making it that much less likely that it will actually be finished.

I’m not saying this to guilt anyone. You’re not obligated to read or comment on fics if you don’t want to. You’re not obligated to do anything. But fandom runs on engagement, and if you want to keep that alive, it’s important to participate.

[abyssal-werewolf]

I'm glad you didn't feel attacked or offended by my comment! ^^

I understand your point of view much better now and I agree with a lot of it. I also sometimes wonder where the would-now-be-adults went (I've been in the community here since around the end of 2016), there's only a handful of blogs I still recognize from back then. I can imagine that most either actually went to different platform or simply went inactive with time. a few of them probably also just realized they aren't otherkin after all (or are not anymore, I believe that especially with psychological origins this can definetely happen over time - once you needed this involuntary coping mechanism and now you don't). and true, finding a new platform is not as easy, so I definetyl understand now why you want to stick to tumblr - honestly, m,y best advice on how to feel less alienated here is to make the content you want to see. post stuff targeted towards "older" otherkin, try to inspire others to do the same. only if you have the energy and time to of course, but that's definetely the most effective way to influence the community and get it to be a little more how you want it to be.

hmm okay, I see where you're coming from... the thing is, I think finding words for identity related things is always a struggle, because it is just so personal. like, even things such as "male" and "female" are techinically highly personal things. as in, how do you define a woman? the (in my opinion only correct) answer is "a woman is someone who feels like they're a woman" - but what does that mean? you can't universally define how "being a woman" feels and that example is a pretty binary, solid thing (as solid as it can get with anything identity-related). now, being otherkin is much more abstract than that, and then otherhearted... I think it is simply impossible to define the label more than "identify with", for one because it is meant to describe this "grey area" or "middleground" and that in itself is such an abstract concept, it will probably feel different to everyone. but also, I think vague labels like this are actually important, because they're inclusive of pretty much everything that's somewhere between a favorite animal and a kintype (of course they can be other things than just animals, but you get what I mean). trying to strictly define this label will just lead nowhere and in my opinion confuse even more people - but, granted, I also live by the philosophy "do whatever tf you want and use whichever labels feel comfortable". I think rotating the same label in yopur head over and over and over, asking (yourself) again and again if you are this or not will do more harm than good. I did that for years until I finally managed to get into a mindset of just do what feels right. I mean, this is all about invisible, internal identity. labels should be made to fit the feelings, not feelings into the labels - know what I mean? also, just as a side-note, I think otherheartedness as a "side effect" of species dysphoria may be a thing and then it would still be otherheartedness. ya just... really, this is what I tell everyone: just randomly claiming labels is not good for anyone, but overthinking them isn't either. if in doubt, try them out :)) (rhyme not intended but still fun xD)

I 100% agree on this point, journaling is so so so important. I struggle with constant posting myself but I currently really am trying to put myself Out There in the community and let others see my side of things. I love it when others do that, so I try to do it myself.

I get that, I attended every Othercon so far and personally loved most panels, but there were one or two I was disappointed in, too. and yeah, especially when you get your hopes up and then it's just not helpful to you at all, that's a bummer for sure...

yup okay, I think that's all I have to say for now! ^^ you didn't come off as hostile at all, your reply was very informative to read! I hope you'll eventually find your corner in the community and the experiences you want to read about. I'm looking forward to potentially read about your experiences as well :D

Sorry for being so inactive lately... been busy irl, and have been meaning to post here more often, but also, like... I always feel a bit shy approaching the 'kin communities on here because it kind of feels like everyone is sort of... "internet poisoned"? For lack of a possibly-better word. A lot of folks here on tumblr in the 'kin and alterhuman communities are children, and a lot of more prominent community figures treated like "elders" are only about my age or younger, and it feels really strange, to be honest. There's a lot of discussion of feelings and terminology, but very little "lifestyle"? It's like there's a universal expectation for everyone to just figure everything out on their own; you get some definitions here and there yeah, but the amount of variance says much more loudly "just figure out what it all means on your own, pal". ex. Not only can no one actually explain what "otherhearted" actually means sans relation to otherkin, but it feels like I never see anyone talk about dealing with what one could call "kin feels" in the workplace, when unable to acquire your habitat, etc... Othercon is online-only, and while I'm pretty sure I'd be unable to attend an in-person event, part of me has a hard time feeling like everyone is really taking it all seriously and is really unafraid of being "cringe" when obviously it's so much easier to act like you're so confident online. I kinda feel like meeting some wolfkin stereotypes in a park for snacks and doing a group howl would do more for me than years of reading essays on tumblr ever has.

I dunno, I tried watching a recording of an Othercon panel I felt would be relevant and useful to me once, and was floored at just how... utterly useless it was. Despite its promising title, it was just shallow "you're valid" garbage and internet discourse... Makes me feel severely alienated, to be honest.