#(it's actually a courtney quote! -v)

[artificialqueens]

5 times Cracker and Brooke broke it off, and 1 time they didn't (Miz Cracker x Brooke Lynn Hytes) - fandomfeministe

A/N: I’m a sucker for a 5+1 fic, and this seemed a good place to start. Thanks to Saiph again for all your help and indulging me in this nonsense! I had such fun with it that if I get any more ideas, more of them might come along…

The line about the pomeranian came from a conversation with Veronica. That laugh is all hers <3

When they got caught out by Kameron

A near-winded gasp for air was the sound that first got Kameron’s attention.

“Oh… god…keep going,” said a familiar voice, a desperate, high-pitched whine threaded through the begging, accompanied by breathless panting that was the sign of someone clearly being given a good time by someone. Kameron, passing by his friend’s dressing room and spotting the slightly opened door, smirked a little as he approached, about to subtly close it before texting Brooke Lynn that she could thank him later. He was just about to wrap his hand around the doorknob before a second speaker became audible, stopping the eavesdropper in his tracks.

“Sssh, I’m repaying the favour, aren’t I? Be fuckin’ patient!” laughed the second man, whose voice was also familiar - so familiar, in fact, that Kameron could picture his face, the corners of his brown eyes wrinkled in laughter before he carried on doing… oh. His own eyes widened, recognising that it was his Season 10 sister, apparently in some kind of encounter with his sister from Tennessee. What the fuck?

Hating himself for feeling like a voyeur but kind of dying to see what was happening, Kameron carefully leaned forward, looking through the gap. There, he could see that his assumptions were right - Cracker on his knees before Brooke Lynn. The former’s hands were holding back the latter’s skirts, dark head confidently bobbing up and down while the blonde’s head tilted back, lipsticked mouth hanging open as the moans began to build. Still confused as to how the fuck these two had ended up this way - especially as they’d clearly been so keen to get started that Brooke’s only move towards de-dragging was getting untucked - a mischievous moment came over their mutual friend with a look on his face to match. With one swift movement, Kameron shut the door loud enough to cause the two men inside to yelp in surprise before he made his escape, being a safe fifteen feet down the corridor and around a corner before pulling out his phone, including both queens’ numbers in a text.

“Don’t be too mad, bitches. Really. It could’ve been Eureka that caught you going at it.”

2. When Bob couldn’t stop laughing

“Hytes? Seriously, bitch?”

Cracker and his drag mother were hanging out at his own place in Harlem, back from the tour where he and his Canadian lover had already tried to break it off once. After Kameron had caught them - and wasted no time in letting them know about it - he and Brooke Lynn had lasted a grand total of a week before falling back into bed round about the time of their gig in Paris, where their night off in the clubs of Montmartre had apparently been quite the aprodiasiac. Even now that they were back in the US, and in whole different time zones, let alone states, things between them hadn’t exactly gone back to PG13. In fact, at this very moment, Cracker was sitting through Bob’s uproarious laughter with the knowledge that Brooke had been sending progressively more filthy text messages all afternoon, and he was wondering what the hell he was going to actually find once he had the chance to check his phone after Bob left.

“I mean, fuck, what is she? 6’1? 6’2? It must be like a pomeranian fucking a Great Dane!” the larger man cackled, laughter ringing off the walls in the small apartment.

Cracker bristled slightly, raising an eyebrow as he looked at his friend. “6’3. And original, Bob, really fuckin’ original. I don’t seem to recall you complaining about it when we were together.”

Bob, seeing the look on his daughter’s face, took a couple of breaths, still giggling a little before eventually settling. “Alright, alright, I’ll drop it. I mean, clearly you got a fucking type, or a complex, but I’ll drop it.” He paused, though, looking more serious this time.

“For real, though, whatever this -” he gestured between the two of them - “is with you guys, you’ve got to think fast about whether it’s worth it. Because if Michaels knows, and I know… who else does? How long’s it going to be before someone tells Vanjie?”

Cracker’s face fell.

“Oh, shit.”

3. When Vanjie found out

Telling Vanjie was not a fun time.

It wasn’t as bad as it could have been, Brooke Lynn supposed, but it was still not an experience he would ever care to repeat.

He’d called him when he was in LA, suggested meeting for coffee as they often did, but even on the phone, his ex had been able to tell something was up.

“How long?” he’d asked, his foghorn voice unusually soft. When told the truth - that it had started on the European tour Vanjie hadn’t gone on - he almost snorted with laughter at the same time as looking plaintively at the man across from him. “Think I knew, deep down, you were ready to move on. Didn’t think it’d be with someone I knew so well, though.”

Brooke attempted to protest a little, said that he and Cracker were hardly enough of a thing for them to be considered as ‘moving on’ together, but Vanjie merely raised an eyebrow at him as first response. “Don’t you pull that crap with me. I know you both too well for that.”

“What do you mean?”

“You both put up walls and shit. Tried to be public, got hurt, shut down and never told nobody how you felt ‘bout anything since. You both got people saying you got no feelings, but you sure do. Both got so many of ‘em that you don’t know what to do with ‘em, so you act the ho and don’t show anybody what you really got going on. It’s hard for most folks to get that, when they try and give and don’t feel like they got anything back, but you two?” Vanjie shrugged before taking a sip of his coffee. “You two fuckers might actually understand each other.”

It was all Brooke could do to avoid freezing to the spot in panic.

“Oh shit.”

4. When The Vixen told a few home truths

If there was one thing anybody knew about The Vixen, it was that she didn’t pull any punches.

“Hytes? Are you fucking kidding?”

Cracker slid further down into her seat at the bar, visibly cringing at her friend’s vociferous response. “Raise your voice, why don’t you, bitch? There’s a few guys over by the restrooms who can’t hear you!”

“I don’t care!” The Vixen slammed her drink down on the bar, some of the clear liquid within sloshing out and over the sides. “Seriously, I didn’t have you pinned down as having such… such bland tastes.”

“Bland?” Cracker was clearly shocked, her mouth hanging open as she stared at her friend so hard that her eyes even bulged a little. “The hell? You’ve seen how he looks on stage. How he dresses on stage. Shit, some of those finale outfits had people practically drooling, and you call that bland?”

“Tall, blonde, white, polished, pageant queen,” Vixen responded succinctly, counting off each attribute on her fingers. “Tell me how that’s not part of the furniture in any part of the entertainment industry, Cracks. You could spit in the air at Miss Continental and nearly hit ten dudes like him. And you… you’ve always prided yourself on being different. On being weird. Comedy queens don’t usually go for the model girls. Especially when you’re both so…”

“So what?”

“So different.”

“Do you really think he shouldn’t be going for me? Or do you just resent the bitch because of your known thing for his ex?”

For once, The Vixen was stunned into silence. Cracker had slid off his chair, turned and stalked out of the bar before a feeble ‘fuck you’ could even begin to escape his lips.

5. When Nina got concerned

“What is this, an intervention for introverts?” Brooke joked as he walked into Nina’s hotel room with him, the older queen with a recognisably worried look on his face. Their gig had been over for hours, both were long out of drag, and now they were falling into their usual routine of a bitch fest before bed. Only this time, Brooke couldn’t help but feel as though Nina’s mama-bear routine was incoming, and began to steel himself in preparation for a talk about his feelings.

“No, darling, it’s not,” Nina replied with sympathy, sitting down in an armchair by the window after patting the one opposite, motioning for her friend to join her. “I do have some misgivings, though. Maybe you can help me figure it out.”

“About what?”

“You and Cracker.”

Brooke sighed. He’d known this was coming. “Oh, here we go…” the Canadian queen cringed, reaching up to massage his temple, a literal headache forming at the same time as this figurative one. “There’s nothing to have misgivings about. We had… are having… had a thing for a while. It was fun. That’s all there is to it.” He felt his neck warm up at the look on Nina’s face, his old friend sitting there with staring eyes and brows raised unusually, sceptically high. Yep, blushing. He was definitely blushing.

“If it’s nothing, you wouldn’t be stumbling for words.. And… you know the last time I saw you look like that? Like you’d found somebody to spend time with who mattered - mattered enough to make you look like a schoolboy with a crush?”

Don’t say it, Nina. Don’t say it, don’t say it…

“That would be Vanjie. And Brooke, I love you, you know that, but I’ve got to remind you how that turned out.’

Brooke winced, and Nina reached out to him, regretfully picking up a hand and squeezing.

“I don’t want to cause you any embarrassment, but for someone who projects and even dresses like a goddamn ice queen, when you fall, you fall hard. And with the speed this has all happened, yes, I’m concerned for you. I watched you take the heat when it all fell apart with Vanjie and I saw the pain you were in. It’s like the whole thing just shattered you, and I…”

Brooke’s own eyes widened in horror as his best friend choked, his throat constricted and voice trembling. “If that happened to you again, I don’t know that I could handle seeing you hurt. Because you, you’d take it on the chin but wall it all up inside, letting yourself get so fucking lonely…”

With a sudden pang of anguish, Brooke got out of his chair, squished in beside Nina and threw his arms around the older man’s neck, hugging him tight. His chest felt both tight and full to burst at the same time, feeling both pains of guilt and full of appreciation for his friend’s love. “What did I fucking do to deserve you, Nina?” he chuckled softly, resting his head against Nina’s, resting there quietly while he rubbed comforting circles on his back, thumb twisting into the fabric of his shirt.

They both sat there for a while, doing nothing but hold each other and listening to the sound of each other’s breathing. It was true that each queen acted like the other’s support animal, an old joke, but one with an element of truth to be sure. However, while the two men sat quietly, Brooke’s brain began to run overtime, anxiety letting each passing through pull at his brain with increasing agony. Vanjie had alluded to it when they’d broken up, that one day, he was going to feel the way Vanjie did at another man’s hands, and his lack of prior relationships meant that the pain might break him. Cracker might dwell on his reputation, or be afraid of getting into something as serious as there’d been with his ex-fiancé and bolt. Worse, what if he, Brooke, panicked… again? What if he let someone get close to him, fall for him, and be let down by him… again? What if he was responsible for Cracker being broken by a man who screwed him over… again? Brooke wasn’t sure if he could cope knowing that he’d destroyed not one, but two people he cared about. Three, he supposed, if he counted the thought of disappointing Nina.

God, he was such a fuckup.

When they realised it could actually turn out OK

It seemed to Cracker, as he lay there in Brooke Lynn’s arms, that neither one of them seemed to know how to escape the other. At his last count, they’d tried to break it off a whole five times - sometimes one, sometimes the other, sometimes both - and every time they’d found their way back to each other. It was almost as if they were a pair of magnets, drawn to each other so tightly that whenever they were separated, they ended up slamming right back towards each other, no choice but to deal with it, but the natural thing to do all the same.

He drew patterns on his lover’s taut arm muscles as he slept, feather light touches to match his own spirit. Watching him lying there, peaceful in his slumber, was weirdly soothing - not that Cracker quite understood why. Still, there they were, the smaller queen reluctant to move - not just because of the risk of disturbing Brooke’s rest, but because he too felt safe, strong arms keeping him held there.

He couldn’t help but smile as he watched Brooke’s eyes open slowly, the exhaustion writ large on his face as it tilted up to face him.

“Hey,” Brooke mumbled, his words muffled a little against Cracker’s shoulder. “Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah, you did,” the other man replied fondly, kissing the top of his lover’s head. “Can’t say I blame you, though. You were being kept quite busy earlier…”

Brooke blushed a little, but grinned nonetheless. The memory of their afternoon together was definitely a happy one, full of laughter and mutual pleasure, ending up in a tangle of limbs under the covers. Their reunion, a good month and a half since they’d been at gigs anywhere near each other, had been more than needed. It was as if each was a human comfort blanket for the other, providing the security each other needed in their minds as well as their tired out bodies. Brooke himself had been surprised to feel this at first, but in a way, it made sense. They made sense. There wasn’t any pressure between them to be romantic, exclusive or any kind of fantasy - and in the greatest sense of irony, that had only made the Canadian happier to be in the arms of the Seattle-born queen.

It felt good to be understood. Understood was more important than anything to him.

“You know something?” he asked, prompting Cracker’s brown eyes to gaze into his.

“Mmm?”

“I think we’re gonna be OK.”

Crackler chuckled, then made an affectionate sound in the back of his throat as Brooke looked confused by his response. “No, I mean, I’m glad you think so… but what brought this on?” he asked, reaching around the pillow to twirl a finger into his blond hair.

Brooke shuffled a little so he could look at his lover properly, watching each emotion as it flickered across his face. “I’ve just been thinking… honesty between people in our position, it has to be a good thing, right?”

“Right.”

“I feel like… it’s easy to be honest. Like, that you’re going to get it, and I don’t have anything to be sick with worry about in telling you what I want. And that… that makes me happy, because… because I’m not forcing anything. This is me, this is what I want, and…” another pause, as he slid a hand down the other man’s back. “…I’m all in. Promise.”

A smile, eyes that crinkled at the edge and the gentle touch of Cracker’s lips on his was all the response he needed.

[ginger-canary]

Freckles watches Stargirl S3E4

damn cameron u live like this

its a snowglobe not ice globe u fucking fool

tfw grandma n grandpa keep talking about u in norwegian, but u don’t speak norwegian

courtney have u ever slept normally, shoes in bed AGAIN

how'd they get this man into the hospital he's legally dead

oh CMON doesn't yolanda have enough problems

"can personally confirm killer v strong" ok homie we already believed that tho

[BRIEF DETOUR FINDING OUT DR MIDNITE WAS BORN IN 1914 AND DISAPPEARED IN 2010 WHICH MAKES HIM 96 AT THE TIME OF SHADOW REALM ENTRY]

"we restocked ur fridge with juice" spoiled child

"he's got a wife and a kid" and please tell me how old they are

"ur a legend" to quote legends ep 1, legends r dead

beth babe that’s a red blood cell of course you can’t identify it

DR SHITTITO IS STILL ALIVE??

cindy girl u good?

has mike ever talked to jakeem not in the bathroom this season

wow this man is scared of barbara's wife, paula

PAULA THE ANIMAL

when he says the door was open it means he replaced it

finally know why he's called crusher,,, the beer can crushed against his head

wow he put on all black did another snow globe die

first time he encounters art block he quits ok u weak lil man

"ik this must sound insane to u a normal person" sir sir i beg of u

"he was killed" what how it def wasn’t my little brother in a car

“how can u be so calm about this” there’s a formerly dead guy in my basement

"bc i know u" do u actually like. u have spent so little time together

wow barf

someone help cindy this isn’t what they meant when they said the new fashion trend is scales

[ooiilllllllspiiilllllll]

Favorite Bob's Burgers Valentines day Episodes

I love reading nonsensical listicles so here is mine in honor of the newest valentines day episode!!

list from least favorite to favorite. I think i got all the valentines day episodes lmk if i missed any

**Some plot spoilers for the episodes i list. Beware especially if you haven't seen the new episode.

7: Bed, Bob, and Beyond s9ep13 I have no strong opinions about this episode that's why it's last on my list. it's fine but for me it's not very interesting but it's still a nice episode to have on in the background.

6: My fuzzy Valentine s3ep13

This is a cute episode. I love the "buckle it up" song it's my favorite. I sing it all the time when i'm running errands. I don't love Linda in this episode. I get a lot of second hand anxiety when Linda steals Basco's gun. Other than that it's cute but there are definitely better valentine's day episodes imo.

5: Can't buy me math s5ep11

for me this is a pretty good episode. pros: love daryl's song what a banger, "it's the romance of the century and it has nothing to do with yogurt" (idk why i love that quote so much), and my favorite part is Linda and Bob's advent calendar plot. I find it so cute and funny. the stripping scene is the best part of the episode. My only con is the second hand embarrassment i get from Tina when she admits it's all fake. I just skip that part when i'm rewatching.

4: Gene and Courtney Show s6ep7

I love when will forte voice acts in BB. I love the drama of all the teachers it's ridiculous and extra and i love it. I really love Courtney's development as a character in BB. i'm glad she's friends with gene in this and later episodes. Idk why but i like her presence. Gene and Courtney were really cute in this ep. Tina and Louise's plot was fun but not my favorite B plot. Bob and teddy are cute but i hate when bob has to spend a lot of money it stresses me out. gene's song at the end is the highlight. I tear up every-time "your heart's not broken it's only growing" like i love that

3: Romancing the beef s11ep11

i really liked this new episode. Maybe it's so high on the list because it's new idk. I just love episodes where the belcher's get a win. I thought jimmy pesto's exclamation of pride was really nice. I feel like in the last few episodes we are seeing that he really does think highly of bob and he wants him to succeed he's just a dick about it. I saw a headcannon where jimmy and bob teamed up and became really successful because jimmy is pretty good at business and bob is a great cook and i'm so into it. Tina's subplot was alright but i really loved the text she got. i don't love jj but i do like their nice moments together.

2: V for Valentine-detta s8ep8

I love this episode it's so cute. I love Nat as a character i'm so glad she's in other eps. I definitely wanna be Louise in her face makeup one halloween . there were no cons for me. i'm not a huge jimmy J and tina shipper so i didn't mind that he was a dick in this ep. i love linda and tina especially when linda says, "i'm not giving up tina" it's such a tender moment. I love quality bob and gene time and i got that in this episode. highlight of the ep was when bob tries to carry tina to her room. Never fails to crack me up.

1: Bob Actually s7ep9

classic bob's episode. this is one of my favorite episodes of all time. i just loved the vibe. the opening scene with the "stupid cupid" song creates such a valentines day vibe. I like how almost every character has their own little valentines day plot. there are just so many good things for me about this episode. por ejemplo, gene's fantasty life when he eats the chocolate, bob and teddy in a hip hop class, the roller skate dude and the mermaid girl, and of course Rudy and Louise. I'm not a huge Rudy and Louise shipper but they were really cute in this episode. i just love their dynamic Rudy is amazing i want him in every episode. even tina and jimmy junior were cute. like i said i just enjoy their nice moments together even if i like zeke more. oh tina's diarrhea walk was hilarious and too relatable. i have 100% done that no shame tina.

Sorry if my explanations are chaotic. I haven't written anything in a whiillle. If anyone sees this let me know your fav v day episodes or if you agree or disagree with my list.

[theunderdogwrites]

In Defense of Marilyn Manson

Just kidding.

This is another one of those ‘if you live under a rock, you might not know what is going on’ pieces. But because this story appears to be unfolding daily, I’d think you’ve heard a murmur here or there even if you haven’t really paid too much attention to it because for many, I think this may fall into the “that guy has been a messed-up weirdo for years so I’m not surprised” category.

Please note that in NO WAY I am making fun of this situation, but I learned a long time ago that I require a certain amount of humor to be able to digest much of what this world presents to me.

As always, let me give you the Coles Notes version with the hopes you will go and do your own reading as well.

On February 1 actress Evan Rachel Wood posted this on her Instagram:

"The name of my abuser is Brian Warner, also known to the world as Marilyn Manson. He started grooming me when I was a teenager and horrifically abused me for years. I was brainwashed and manipulated into submission. I am done living in fear of retaliation, slander or blackmail. I am here to expose this dangerous man and call out the many industries that have enabled him, before he ruins any more lives. I stand with the many victims who will no longer be silent."

Quick history lesson – They started dating in 2007 when she was 18 and he was 34 and were engaged for a brief time in 2010.

This was Manson’s response to what she wrote:

"Obviously, my art and my life have long been magnets for controversy, but these recent claims about me are horrible distortions of reality. My intimate relationships have always been entirely consensual with like-minded partners. Regardless of how - and why - others are now choosing to misrepresent the past, that is the truth."

Since the original statement on February 1 a number of women have come forward with stories of their own ranging from physical and emotional abuse to human trafficking. And everyday something new is revealed. Evan Rachel Woods is feverishly posting on her Insta-Story and is slowly burying Manson in an ocean of consequences. She isn’t “fired up” or “a woman scorned”, she is a victim rising above the shame she has felt and the fear of what others will say about her to tell her story and encourage others to do the same. She is the voice that started the ball rolling. The ball that is about to crush Marilyn Manson.

Whenever I write stuff that is currently being heavily featured in the media, I always dive into articles so I can get as much information as possible. But more importantly, I plunge my sensitive little soul into the murky depths known as “the comments section”. I do this because unlike those polished, finished pieces the comments section will give you a better idea of what your fellow human beings think and feel about the topic at hand. And it is never polished or even polite. And often not for the faint at heart. In case you didn’t already know – people can be quite terrible.

The comments section is the modern-day gladiator pit. Only most (not all) of the participants are not ripped, athletic warriors but rather drooling basement dwellers with one hand down their pants (not gender specific by the way) and the other hand maltreating the letters on their keyboard.

Side note: Look, I am not the grammar police as I often just push past all the warnings from the Gestapo editing program in Microsoft Word. BUT I know the value of proper spelling, well placed punctuation and valid attempts to appear smarter than a domesticated turkey by making sure sentences are well-thought out and complete. Raising your argument doesn’t mean USING ALL CAPS AND ABUSING THESE THINGS -> !!!

I just deleted three paragraphs going over the recent “reckoning” that has taken place in the past few years with regards to sexual and physical abuse accusations against (mostly) men in positions of some kind of power. I eliminated all that writing because I started to tumble off topic. I’m not writing about all the dicks now getting their comeuppance, but rather the reactions to it being Marilyn Manson’s turn in the chamber.

Victim shaming is sadly a real thing.

The easiest way I can explain this to you – if a person gets pickpocketed and then blamed because they should’ve known better than to carry their wallet in their back pocket.

Evan Rachel Woods and others have come out to accuse Manson of some pretty appalling acts of abuse and what I’ve found to be the biggest reaction is, “How did they not know he was a bad guy? His music is so graphic and they thought it was all an act? Why did they stay so long?”. As innocent as those questions might seem, and I say that because our brains don’t always serve us or others well, it is a form of discrediting those women. Let’s be honest here… it’s hard to look at Marilyn Manson and his art form and not say, “What the fuck, this guy has bad idea written all over him!”. I feel that is a perfectly reasonable response, but that is where it should end. I think it is fair to pause and attempt to understand the choices of others, but it’s heartless to minimize their experience by placing blame on them for a situation we couldn’t possibly understand if it has never happened to us.

And like I’ve quoted before: People only understand from their level of perception. But that doesn’t stop them from laying on the judgement and damaging already fragile individuals with their inability to show compassion for a fellow human being. Reading through comment sections isn’t just maddening, it’s disappointing and sad but also a real look into how awful many people feel about themselves… to the point where they seem to derive some pleasure or satisfaction from condemning a rape victim for wearing a short skirt and getting drunk.

So… we have to touch on this to be balanced: innocent until proven guilty. Only these days it’s an automatic trial by media with the public acting as judge, jury and executioner. This is where “cancel culture” steps in and within days can destroy an entire career / life. I am not a fan of cancel culture. It does not give people a chance to learn from their mistakes or make amends as it immediately harms their very existence. Often times even before any proof has surfaced. I don’t think I need to tell you how dangerous this is… the fact that just an accusation could ruin your life.

Let me make this clear: if someone comes forward and claims they’ve been sexually assaulted/abused, they need to be taken seriously and not dismissed based upon the circumstances, their gender identity, the color of their skin, their economic position or profession or the person they’re accusing. In turn, the individual being accused should be given time to address the claims before the public begins demolishing their life.

A reoccurring comment in almost all these cases where someone comes forward and alleges abuse YEARS after it happened, is – “Why did they wait so long to come forward?”.

Is this a fair question? Sure. And I feel it is asked because our brain needs to find a way to understand the information we are being given. Because while we’d all like to think that if in the same situation we’d be unfuckable with and anyone who dared to bring damage to our doorstep would immediately suffer the consequences, we actually cannot predict our reaction. There are too many unknown variables to be able to confidently say we’d instantly speak up and seek retribution.

The fear of not being believed. The fear of being blamed. The fear of rejection. The fear of retaliation from the person being accused. The fear of being forever defined by your experience. The fear.

It does not matter the why, what matters is the chance they’ve taken by speaking up at all. Those who come forward should be embraced, not ridiculed. Not abandoned. Not criticized.

“Don’t ask why victims wait so long to speak up. Ask what systems were in place to keep them quiet”. Anonymous

I own a few Marilyn Manson CD’s. And I’ve even attended one of his concerts. Would I say I am a fan? Probably a number of years ago I was but truthfully, I’ve not paid attention to any of his music in recent years because I feel it devolved while my taste evolved. That’s not a slam against him or anyone who fancies his work, it’s more a statement on how I’ve matured and now seek out music that feels authentic to me.

The one concert I attended was opened by Courtney Love. I know, what a duo to pay money to see. Near the end of Manson’s set he made a disparaging remark about Love and trashed her music. At the time he was wearing some pretty hefty platform shoes so it made it all the more hilarious when from out of nowhere she charged like a rhino and tackled him to the stage; throwing punches at his head all the way down. When he finally was able to get up, he announced the show was over. There would be no encore and then him and his bandmates trashed the stage in a temper tantrum worthy of a toddler Napoleon. Still makes me laugh to this day.

Shoutout to Evan Rachel Wood and her most recent movie ‘Kajillionaire’. Watched it on demand about a month ago and it’s a brilliant comedy that will also pull at your heart. I highly recommend you give it a chance.

Check out the trailer:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xiMPCevu8Wk

[drasnianfrank]

tag people you want to get to know better

tagged by @queenofsovngarde

your name and then what you would have named yourself: Frances or Frank, and I have picked Josephine because that’s a gorgeous name. 

astrological sign (sun/moon/rising if you know them): gemini

when did you join tumblr and why?: Also 2012 (Dear God, it’s been that long). Things were moving from livejournal to other platforms and I finally got tired of checkingmy history. 

top 5 fandoms: I hyperfixate on certain fandoms and lurk for ages but anyway. Good Omens, MCU/Marvel, Lord of the Rings, Shakespeare, Highlander or Magnificent 7 (tv show). 

top 5 favorite films: The World’s End, Grand Budapest Hotel, The Losers, The Prestige, Spider-Man Into the Spider-Verse. 

go to song when you wanna Feel something: Babylon by Don McLean

what’s your religion or faith if you have one?: raised v. liberal Lutheran, now i’m more ehhhh, ehhhhhhh. 

a song that makes you feel seen: Song to Say Goodbye by Placebo

if you could have any career: librarian/book reviewer/someone who pets cats all day

do you have a type?: soft people that make me laugh

what does your heart/soul yearn for: actually literally, food. Also, I guess friendship and love and shit? But, yeah, food. 

if you had to describe yourself in 5 words to someone who doesn’t know you: Odd, biting humor, cat obsessed, reader. 

favorite subjects in school: history, english, law

where does your soul feel most at home: surrounded by books and cats and old things. 

top 5 fictional characters: Silk-Belgariad/Mallorean by David and Leigh Eddings, Aziraphale - Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, Sabriel - Abhorsen series by Garth Nix, Flash (Wally West) - Justice League Animated, Agent Peggy Carter - MCU

top 3 moments in a show that made you ugly cry: Dog dying in Downton Abbey, Chidi and Eleanor’s goodbye date in The Good Place (I am not ready for the last season guys, Not Ready), and parts of The Magnus Archive have been real tough, reaaaal tough. 

the earth, the sun, the moon or the stars: The Sun Ba-bey! I need all that good good good warm feels. 

favorite kind of weather: Warm on the edge of too hot, with soft clouds in the sky. 

top 3 characters you kin with: jfc, okay, Miles Vorkosigan from the Vorkosigan series by Lois McMaster Bujold, Maia from Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison, and JJ from Speechless. 

favorite medium of art: okay, so theater is my one true love but like traditional art, I guess oils(?). 

introvert/extrovert/ambivert: introvert with a dash of ambivert. 

a favorite literary quote: (Reads entire LotR)

“Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise can not see all ends.” Fellowship of the Ring. 

some of your favorite books: How can I just pick some of my children? Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison, Memory or Miles in Love by Lois McMaster Bujold, Scurvy by Stephen Brown, We Ride Upon Sticks by Quan Barry, Toad Words and other stories by T. Kingfisher, Macbeth by William Shakespeare, Belgariad/Mallorean series by David and Leigh Eddings, Whale Talk by Chris Crutcher, The Heiress Effect by Courtney Milan

if you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?: Some place where it never snowed and had a beach, but specifically Dubrovnik, Croatia

if you could live in any time in history when would it be?: Every time is terrible! So it depends on how rich I was. 

if you could play any instrument masterfully it would be: I do love the hurdy-gurdy but I would love to play an organ. 

if you have one, what mythological god or goddess do you feel a connection to: whut. Idk, Athena because I remember my greek mythology the best. 

and lastly, favorite recent selfie in your camera roll:

tagging (but only if you want to): @thepaisleyelf​, @lesbrarian​, @strawberry-cupcake​, and anyone else!

[nossbean]

Rules: tag 9 people you want to know get to know better

I was tagged by @beesreadbooks - hee, i love this meme. Thank you for tagging me!

Top three ships:

Wee okay! Brienne x Jaime is the OTP of my heart atm ofc. I’ll otherwise choose two different ships than the last time I answered something like this: 

Leslie Knope & Ben Wyatt from Parks & Rec. All their major moments ALWAYS make me cry.

Violet Waterfield x Sebastian Malheur from The Countess Conspiracy by Courtney Milan. I f/cking love that book. Childhood friends to lovers! Victorian lady doing science! The Shit Women Face taken Seriously! Unabashed adoration all around! Embracing sexual desire later in life! There’s a bit of a JB vibe, actually, in that the man protag is a hot piece of ass and the woman protag who doesn’t fit cultural beauty standards; they’ve been bffs for years and they’ve both been pining and don’t think they’re good enough for the other person/that the other person could ever see them as anything other than a friend; bickering to show affection; showing affection to showing affection; unconditional support of one another... Anyway I could go on forever about this book generally and also that lightbulb moment re JB I just had (lol) but I’ll stop. It was the first romance novel I read since I dabbled with them as a kiddo, and it basically single-handedly pulled me into the genre and lives in my soul. I’ve got a key quote stuck on my wall -- “burn it all, sweetheart” -- and I love it forever. (shoutout to @theopensea for reccing it all those years ago)

Lipstick or chapstick: Chapstick! I am v keen to get more into lipstick though. I rarely wear makeup, and when I do I tend to lean more towards doing something with my eyes, but I also have a lot of fun with the few lipsticks I do have.

Last song: that recording of Backstreet Boys singing I Want it That Way! 

Last movie: uhh... so I’ve been trying to think of this for a while and I can’t... remember? I’ll say next movie! Probably Miss Fisher & the Crypt of Tears, but poss a rewatch of Tomb Raider (2018)

Reading: I finished Redshirts by John Scalzi last night. I... can’t decide if I liked it... The premise was fun though. I did also recently finish the first two books of Seanan McGuire’s Wayward Children series and very much enjoyed those! Fair warning that they are horror...? I’d say light horror, as I didn’t have to nope out though usually do when reading horror, but ymmv.

I also tend to read at least one short fic or chapter of a multi-chap fic each day. Currently, am keeping up to date with Deserted by gwen77 (WIP) which is so emotional and somehow also so quiet a fic, and am about to start They Make You Swear and Swear by @angelowl-fics. The two one-shots I’ve read in the last couple of days I’ve already recced on here (fic rec tag!) so will hype two others which I read this month: Let’s go our separate ways (But know that you’re flying home to me) by ImberReader which I thoroughly enjoyed which is a sci-fi take on JB including an overture which goes missed due to cultural misunderstanding, and Cruel Summer by theworldunseen which is an AU where Brienne and Jaime have summer jobs as lifeguards at a swanky country club (owned by Tywin, ofc): it’s v sexy and fun.

Three random things that make me happy: 

Last summer I started up a wee garden on my balcony, and it is starting to come out of hibernation at last!

I’ve currently got a cat on my foot and that is always soothing and delightful. 

Long baths at the perfect temperature with a LUSH bathbomb and a good podcast/playlist

Tagging: so I am a bit late to this party and I’m not sure who’s already played this one, so apologies if I’m double tapping you! But: @amuserobin @brienne @djeli-beybi @firesign23 @forbiddenfantasies1 @kulliare @wildlingoftarth aaaand anyone else who wants to play! consider yourself tagged <3

[marmrlade]

* role call !

ahem.. here are some small intros for my open muses... click their name to be directed to more abt them !

NIKO - byun baekhyun/25/pr intern - chaotic bi just trying to make it in this cruel world,, recent grad working as an intern, thinks eating cereal for all three meals of the day is healthy, annoying & quotes vines more than he should. can’t be left alone for more than five minutes before whining in boredom

JANE - park chaeyoung/20/student & aspiring musician - gentle soul who grew up too quick, v Pure but also insecure abt a lot of things which makes it hard for her to try and break into the music industry as a singer/songwriter. has a hedgehog named frooty & cherishes the guitar her mom gave her

ASHER - kim mingyu/22/spoiled rich kid - certified asshole, the type to go clubbing every other day, tho he’s generous with friends and buys them things. sugar daddy material ? maybe once he stops freeloading his trust fund ! no real direction in life, but secretly an art heaux who loves museums but good luck trying to break thru surface level ash 

EMI - kim yerim/20/theatre kid - future emmy award winning actress bc it’s her name and she deserves it duh ! self-doubt masked by a v high ego who speaks her mind and runs a poppin’ twitter. bit of a brat but in a lovable way, for the most part. rly short bt not scared to start a fight with you. super comfortable and affectionate, needs attention 24/7

ANDY - kim taehyung/21/business major & ex-artist - youngest of the jeong siblings, appears cold but loyal to his core. had a bit of bad luck, used to play piano, paint, and do photography. now he’s focused on making amends with his dad aka getting an actual degree. actually super poetic abt life & adores nature

SIENNA - jung eunji/25/assistant manager at record label - second oldest of the jeong siblings, played the mom role until she moved at 18 and starting working for herself. independent to a fault, badass with a good heart. lives in leather jackets and wears heels to make do for her short height. married to her job kinda gal

VALERIA - courtney eaton/23/travel blogger - still figuring her as she’s fairly new but travel junkie that doesn’t stay in a place for too long. couch hops when she’s on a break. lively wild thing, reads of a hot summer night that doesn’t end. likes to indulge in all that life can offer and can’t commit to anything or anyone for very long

[annalynnaeus]

Lymond playlist

Because this is my life now

Link here: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WX1j0sgNhs4&list=PLTcxkqgFNIFFfR0CQnR2woOkTM0TKdBd5

Index and annotations below the cut

So this is organized with roughly 3 songs per book.

Game of Kings:

Garbage, Cherry Lips (about Lymond, obviously)

She gave you everything she had But she was young and dumb She'd just turned twenty-one She didn't care to hang around So when the shit came down Why she was nowhere to be found

You hold a candle in your heart You shine the light on hidden parts You make the whole world want to dance You bought yourself a second chance

Johnny Cash, God's gonna cut you down (justice comes for a few people in book one...)

You can run on for a long time Run on for a long time Run on for a long time Sooner or later God'll cut you down Sooner or later God'll cut you down Well, you may throw your rock and hide your hand Workin' in the dark against your fellow man But as sure as God made black and white What's down in the dark will be brought to the light

Celtic Woman, The Voice (IDEK...I just like this song, and wanted to find a place for it. The fixation on national spirit and history might actually fit better with Oonagh. But I think GoK does have kind of a theme of history following cycles, and wheels of luck, sacrifice for a nation, and so on)

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain I am the voice of your hunger and pain I am the voice that always is calling you I am the voice, I will remain... I am the voice of the past that will always be Filled with my sorrow and blood in my fields I am the voice of the future Bring me your peace Bring me your peace and my wounds, they will heal

Queens Play

Gaelic Storm, Johnny Tarr -- (This is totally about Thady Boy-- a fictional narrative about a fictional Irish stereotype)

Lemme tell you a little story about a man named Johnny Tarr He was a hard drinking son of a preacher, always at the bar Lager from the tap or shots of Paddy from the shelf He could open his throttle and throw back a bottle as quick as the devil himself ... Johnny Tarr! ... Even if you say it yourself, you wouldn't believe, And I wouldn't trust a person like me, if I were you I wasn't there, I swear I have an alibi I heard it from a man who knows a fella who says it's true!

Dua Lipa, New Rules-- (Poor Robin Stewart. Though this could also work for Jerrott, and many other characters in Lymond’s orbit).

One, don't pick up the phone You know he's only calling 'cause he's drunk and alone Two, don't let him in You'll have to kick him out again Three, don't be his friend You know you're gonna wake up in his bed in the morning And if you're under him You ain't getting over him

Ladytron, Destroy Everything you Touch (Lymond, obviously. You know the quote I’m thinking of.)

You only have to look behind you At who's underlined you Destroy everything you touch today Destroy me this way Everything you touch you don't feel Do not know what you steal

The Disorderly Knights

Broken Bells, The Ghost Inside (Oonagh. Watch the music video...the lyrics aren’t super literal, but I think this song is very appropriate for her)

Just like a whiskey bottle drained on the floor She got no future, just a life to endure This good samaritan is shaking her hand Too late to leave here now, the songs in the can

Nickelback, How You Remind Me (So this is down as my Gabriel song. On paper, really sweet and catchy, but then you start to wonder if something so straightforward might be a little...fake)

This is how you remind me Of what I really am It's not like you to say sorry I was waiting on a different story This time I'm mistaken For handing you A heart worth breaking

Lorde, Loveless (JOLETA. This is normally part two of a two part song, but THIS PART IS JOLETA

Bet you wanna rip my heart out Bet you wanna skip my calls now Well guess what? I like that ‘Cause I’m gonna mess your life up Gonna wanna tape my mouth shut Look out, lovers

Pawn in Frankincense

Moby, Lift Me Up (I don’t have much justification for this song, other than that I like it, and wanted more male artists, and it kind of felt right here)

Plain talking (plain talking) Making us bold (making us bold) So strung out and cold (strung out and cold) Feeling so old (feeling so old)

Halsey, Gasoline (This song is for both Lymond AND Marthe. Favorite song in this playlist. The entire playlist could really just be this song, over and over again. I could write a whole essay connecting this song to the plot of PoF)

Are you insane like me? Been in pain like me? Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me? Just to pour that motherfucker down the drain like me?... Do the people whisper 'bout you on the train like me? Saying that you shouldn't waste your pretty face like me?... Low on self esteem, so you run on gasoline I think there's a flaw in my code These voices won't leave me alone Well my heart is gold and my hands are cold

Beats Antique, Rising Tide (Philippa, to some extent. I was a little tempted to use this song in GoK for Christian Stewart, instead, swapping it with the Johnny Cash, but the beginning of the playlist was already dominated by female vocalists. And I think it kind of does work for Philippa at the end of PoF, going back home to her old life, leaving behind these bizarre and horrible experiences, she’s changed and Flaws Valley is still the same.)

You're an ocean of a girl Surrounding a world with a blackening tide You know that the coming storm is going to be a crazy ride With your alters made of bones The aftermath of disposable wings... I would write you a song that sounds like A faded photograph of your favorite night Just a little something to remember me by

The Ringed Castle

Alice Merton, No Roots (This doesn’t need much explanation)

I like digging holes and hiding things inside them When I'll grow old, I hope I won't forget to find them 'Cause I've got memories and travel like gypsies in the night I build a home and wait for someone to tear it down Then pack it up in boxes, head for the next town running... And a thousand times I've seen this road A thousand times I've got no roots, but my home was never on the ground

Barns Courtney, Glitter and Gold (again, doesn’t need much explanation...)

Do you walk in the valley of kings? Do you walk in the shadow of men Who sold their lives to a dream? Do you ponder the manner of things In the dark The dark, the dark, the dark

Guster, Fa Fa (Ringed Castle just speaks for itself, doesn’t it)

Go and run through the hallways, and find your way to the door You will end up like always, back where you were before Can you look in the mirror, wish you were somebody else But it's still your reflection, you and no one else You were always saying something, you swear you'd never say again

Checkmate

Elefant, Misfit (Lymond and Philippa, to some extent. Also I like the song.)

Tell me your name, tell me your story Cause I'm into it, runnin' through life like a misfit

Sia, Alive (this whole song...)

I had a one-way ticket to a place where all the demons go Where the wind don't change And nothing in the ground can ever grow No hope, just lies And you're taught to cry into your pillow But I survived

Garbage, When I grow up (could have also fit in the GoK section)

When I grow up I'll be stable When I grow up I'll turn the tables... Don't take offense Better make amends Rip it all to shreds and let it go

Additional songs I thought of, but scrapped:

Game of Kings Bad Reputation, Joan Jett I don't give a damn 'Bout my reputation I've never been afraid of any deviation An' I don't really care If ya think I'm strange I ain't gonna change

Joanna Newsom, The Things I Say If I have the space of half a day I'm ashamed of half the things I say I'm ashamed to have turned out this way And I desire to make amends But it don't make no difference, now And no one's listening, anyhow And lists of sins and solemn vows Don't make you any friends There's an old trick played When the light and the wine conspire To make me think I'm fine I'm not, but I have got half a mind To maybe get there, yet

America, Sandman (for Jerrott, or Richard) Ain't it foggy outside All the planes have been grounded Ain't the fire inside? Let's all go stand around it Funny, I've been there And you've been here And we ain't had no time to drink that beer 'Cause I understand you've been running from the man... Ain't the years gone by fast I suppose you have missed them Oh, I almost forgot to ask Did you hear of my enlistment? Funny, I've been there And you've been here And we ain't had no time to drink that beer

Queens play Blink 182 What's my age again "And that's about the time she walked away from me, no one likes you when you're twenty-three..."

Jessica Hernandez and the Deltas, Picture me with you (the bisexual anthem, lol) "I've been sleeping with your girlfriend. I' ve been sleeping in her bed. Don't picture me dead Picture me with you... I've been sleeping with your boyfriend. I' ve been sleeping in his bed. Don't picture me dead Picture me with you..."

Ringed Castle Joanna Newsom, Good Intentions Paving Company "Twenty miles left to the show Hello, my old country, Hello Stars are just beginning to appear And I have never, in my life Before been here"

Checkmate Metric, Satellite Mind "Hold it I'm about to drop off Let me tell you my last thought Drift into a deep fog Lost where I forgot to hold it I can feel you most when I'm alone"

Joanna Newsom, Leaving the City "I believe in you Do you believe in me? What do you want to do? Are we leaving the city? On the black road Through the gold fields While the fiends are plowed Towards what we are allowed"

[amandabe11man]

made a questionable decision last night and began watching “pokemon generations” at like 12 pm even though i had work in the morning but MAN--

that was actually really good? (except for the fact they used the ORAS-designs for the hoenn parts bUT YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT), so here i’ll jot down some thoughts:

somebody please explain what’s supposed to be ORAS!courtney’s deal?? is she a robot? is she just dumb? who knows

me: *sighs when i see how scantily clad ORAS!shelly and the grunts are*...*remembers that ORAS!matt is also scantily clad and that ORAS!archie has a literal butt-cape* me: you win this round, nintendo

lance’s dragonite has nO CHILL

az was kind of an ass to do what he did but WHO AM I KIDDING CAUSE I WOULD DO THE SAME PROBABLY AND THAT FUCKING STORY HAS ME IN TEARS EVERY TIME

i realize an american VA would most likely pronounce lysandre as “liesander” but would you please reconsider anyway

COOL ANIMATION

lots of things happening fast but that’s okay cause i played All The Games and i know... i know

whAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS THAT OLD CHATEAU-EPISODE?? chansey being cute but unintentionally creepy anD THAT FUCKING INVISIBLE FOOD-SCENE WAS REALLY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE WHY IS THAT OLD MAN SNICKERING LIKE HE JUST POISONED THEM

cyrus and giratina r pals now

the seven(ish) sages ominously rising up on the castle while spouting off random wise man-quotes that have nothing to do with the situation

GHETSIS BEING ALL OUT OF BREATH WHEN SEEING WHAT KYUREM CAN DO

drayden’s illogical beard

ZINZOLIN ANIMATED!!!! i love that they kept in his weird boner for being cold too, omfg

overall, v good. though i can’t help but feel sorry for those who haven’t played all the games cause they’d probably be a little confused

[withered-facade]

Name/Alias:

Friends call me C... And so does pretty much everyone else.

Favorite quote(s):

Excuse me while I casually drop this quote from V for Vendetta;

“It's strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.

I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.

An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.”

I wish I could put the entire thing but it’s so long. Honestly this ^ Is my favorite part from the movie/graphic novel. 

Favorite faceclaim(s):

Charles Michael Davis will always be number one, way too many good memories with his face. I have yet to actually roleplay Jai Courtney but i’ve been pretty obsessed with using him at some point. 

Favorite era:

Does the founders era count? I’ve always been super interested in reading about other’s interpretation of what they were like and how they came together, etc. If Jk Rowling wrote a book about the founders i’d probably die. 

Favorite period in history?

Honestly I don’t really have one? I’m way more interested in fiction than reality so if I could choose a period I love in fiction, it’d probably be medieval times.

Which house do you support?  

All the houses!! I adore all of them and appreciate their vices and virtues. They’re all so intriguing and I actually buy a pretty equal amount of merchandise from all four houses. 

What would your patronus be?

I had to go take the quiz just now and though I wanted a fox because it’s my favorite animal, I got a black mamba which is also pretty cool. 

Favorite Hogwarts class?

Defense against the dark arts or care of magical creatures for sure. One of the best parts of Harry Potter are all the cool creatures. 

Hogwarts, Durmstrang, or Beauxbatons?

I’d have to go with Durmstrang for the simple fact that their introduction was the greatest thing to grace my vision

Knights or Resistance? 

KNIGHTS.

Grandstand (show-off) your best 40′s slang in one killer-diller sentence!

Don’t expect anything too spiffy but I guess I can take a gander. Don’t laugh, i’m already ragging on myself for how crummy this is. 

Favorite character type(s): 

I like to play a variety of characters, but I think the morally ambiguous characters are some of the best to play, especially ones that do bad things for good reasons and good things for bad reasons. 

Which plotlines are you looking forward to?

A lot of people have already said this but the opening of the Chamber of Secrets is going to be one of the coolest things to explore. I wanna see some kids freak out because someone dies at hogwarts while the Slytherins are all lol it’s just a mudblood no one cares. And i’m totally here for any showdowns between the Knights and the Resistance. 

And lastly but certainly not least - which characters at T&A are you excited for?

Electra Lestrange all the way. She stole my heart from the second I saw her bio. 

[thesecondmate]

reading: week 49

this is my 3rd week of my obs&gynae rotation, so i rotated onto the gynae side having spent 2 weeks on obstetrics and absolutely loved my time there. am i converted to obstetrics? no, but i love the environment and the team. am i converted to anaesthesia? ...maybe. gynae is less my thing - my entire internal monologue all day every day is that quote about "all women do is bleed and suffer”.

spent a lot of time considering communication and how we as doctors speak to patients this week. spent a lot of time discussing how, actually, we forget that we are two people having a conversation - one side knows more about medicine, one side knows more about their life and how this condition impacts them. i think that too many doctors get caught up in ‘this is how to break bad news’ or ‘this is what i need to tell them’, forgetting that we are all humans having conversations. and also some doctors forget that their patients have feelings, and the docs and i had a good bitch about that too lol, comparing our experiences of being patients whilst also being doctors/med students.

~ under the cut ~

op-ed/essays clearing out some of my articles in my saved-for-later folder on fb, as i dislike reading on my phone; hence, some of these are kinda out of date.

✩ Oliver Burkeman's last column: the eight secrets to a (fairly) fulfilled life - Oliver Burkeman, The Guardian

✩ Glastonbury fence-jumpers: 'It was girls underneath, boys over the top!' - BBC this was just cute + i miss festivals

✩ How Germany remembers the world wars - BBC News

✩ The rape of Berlin - Lucy Ash, BBC News tw: rape

medicine

✩ Researchers say blood test can detect cancer years before symptoms - Nicola Davis, The Guardian research paper below - highly! exciting!

✩ Non-invasive early detection of cancer four years before conventional diagnosis using a blood test - Chen et al., Nature Communications nb: i know v little about genomics or cancer, as they are 2 of my least favourite things in medicine. that said!! this was super interesting!! v exciting - they can’t differentiate btwn cancers but honestly they used machine learning to achieve rly high sensitivity & specificity up to 4y before diagnosis, which is often v much too late - so exciting if they can apply this to a) differentiate different types of cancer and b) extend it to a screening programme that allows patients to be treated. vvv cool, but not without drawbacks of the potential of over-treating, etc!! but still so cool.

✩ NHS blood unit systemically racist, internal report finds - Amelia Gentleman & Denis Campbell, The Guardian

✩ Covid: Russia begins vaccinations in Moscow - BBC News

✩ Covid: Boris Johnson urges MPs to back tough tiers for England - BBC News

✩ Covid-19: No plans for 'vaccine passport' - Michael Gove - BBC News lots of chat about vaccines, trials, plans for roll-out amongst doctors & med students alike this week. many tweets consumed on the topic.

✩ Puberty blockers: Under-16s 'unlikely to be able to give informed consent' - BBC News absolutely furious about this. how on EARTH do we allow contraceptives to be given out - with much more serious potential consequences! - under Gillick competency (this is where under-18s can give their own consent for taking medications w/o need for parental consent, which is ordinarily required to treat under-18s in the UK) and NOT puberty blockers! which simply STOP puberty - it’s not hormone replacement therapy, which yes does have risks! and it’s much easier for people to transition, or continue with their biologically-determined puberty, after puberty blockers than to medically/surgically transition after allowing non-gender-affirming puberty to take place. oh my god i’m so furious about this.

✩ Essure: Women in England take legal action against sterilising-device maker - Sophie Hutchinson, BBC News netflix’s documentary the bleeding edge covers essure very well - highly recommend.

refugee issues

✩ E.U. Border Agency Accused of Covering Up Migrant Pushback in Greece - Matina Stevis-Gridneff, The New York Times

✩ Missing Migrants Project - Mediterranean focus - IOM this is a truly excellent resource for anyone looking to grasp the hard numbers of the refugee crisis + also great reference for anyone doing research.

✩ November summary - Aegean Boat Report ABR is a Norwegian non-profit dedicated to monitoring boat traffic in the Aegean Sea + upholding human rights, documenting injustices, and presenting these. they are running a fundraiser atm so please do donate if you can - their work is invaluable and really must continue!

environment

✩ Britain goes coal free as renewables edge out fossil fuels - Justin Rowlatt, BBC a few months old but so exciting!

culture

✩ To Understand Us, Pay Attention to the Outfits - Tanisha C Ford, The Atlantic the woman who did the costume design for ‘us’ also did it for THE MATRIX?!

books

✩ Kafka on the Shore - Murakami finished over the weekend! i love murakami’s style - describing each action the character takes, lists be damned, and the surrealism with light touches of comic relief. i still dislike kafka as i did the first time i read it - for someone supposedly so “introverted” and “introspective”, he really had a lot of misogyny to unpack, which i know is like tied up in the whole oedipus prophecy thing, but it didn’t quite sit right. i still loved oshima, though, and the setting of komura memorial library - my mental image is the same as last time and i just want to live there...also really appreciated hoshino this time! he brings so much levity to the book, even if his ~ epiphany ~ over the archduke’s trio feels a little rushed. overall: enjoyable re-read but will take my time before re-reading a third time.

✩ One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich - Solzhenitsyn another re-read from sixth form, finished! this book is really incredible - so short yet so evocative and transporting. solzhenitsyn does an excellent job of humanising the story, not simply making it trauma porn, which is the power of this book imo. other thematic analysis: non-existent as i am not an english student!!

✩ Obstetrics & Gynaecology - Impey & Child woo the joy!!!

tv/video

✩ The Source - documentary on ultrarunner Courtney Dauwalter

[he-licked-his-lips]

Myself - A Hellish Three Years

When you grab a hold of me Tell me that I'll never be set free But I'm a parasite, Creep and crawl I step into the night.

Sublime "Badfish"

I wasn't okay after R, and I'm still not. For the most part, though, no one preyed upon me. That didn't start up again until I was 17. I spent the latter half of my teen years fucking up and trying to bury past trauma with drugs and self-harm. It wasn't just what R did to me, both of my parents being uninvolved addicts fucked me up a lot more than I'd like to admit too.

I started smoking weed when I was 13, because R smoked weed, and I thought it was cool. I was one of those middle schoolers who wore "legalise weed" bracelets. Drugs were cool and fun, and they helped me forget. Plus, it was just weed, right? What's the harm in that?

I didn't smoke weed because I liked the creative high it gave me. I smoked weed because it made me not sober, and I would do anything to not be sober. Being alone with my own thoughts terrified me. I used weed as an escape. I wouldn't just smoke it and chill out, I'd smoke it till I was dumb high.

Self-harm was another futile attempt at escaping. When I was bleeding, I wasn't thinking of anything else. It was calming. I just watched the blood pool and drip from my wounds. I remember rubbing my fresh cuts underneath my jeans when I started getting anxious in class. It was really comforting, knowing that I had at least some sort of control over something in my life. Knowing that I had some sort of control over being hurt. I fell in love with self-harm, and it was an addiction just like any other.

Bulimia was another great coping mechanism I developed in high school. It gave me control. I felt like I could control what was going in my body and what was coming out, so I spent four years throwing up my food after every meal. It got to the point where I would just eat in the bathroom, away from everyone else, so I could throw it up right after. I remember chewing my food, but being careful never to swallow. One of my ex boyfriends used to start knocking on the bathroom door if I was in there for too long, because he knew what I was doing. It fucked my teeth up really badly. All of my front teeth are fake as a result, and the dental bill was probably around 10,000 dollars. They told me that I would probably need dentures by 21, because my teeth had literally no enamel left. I still haven't got them. The dental assistants were all so sweet when they found out I had been bulimic since I was 13, they cried for me. It was so kind for someone to finally realise I needed help and I wasn't okay. My mother just rolled her eyes and told me I was stupid. I never smiled in high school with my teeth until I got them fixed. To this day, when I laugh or smile, I cover my teeth. They look pretty okay, but I never really moved past it. My esophagus is permanently fucked as well, or more preciously, my epiglottis. It doesn't stay shut so after every meal or liquid I consume I have the pleasure of regurgitating it back up again in the form of very painful stomach acid. I didn't lose any weight. But making a ritual of going into the bathroom after eating and sticking my fingers down my throat, hugging the toilet bowl, must have eased some emotional pain somehow. Maybe not. Maybe it just made it worse. Sometimes I still miss it, but these teeth are way too expensive to fuck up.

When my mother found out I was cutting myself, she just told me that I should “make sure to use a clean razor”. Incredible parenting. How could someone like me, the recipient of such wonderful parental advice, ever be fucked up? She was way to consumed with her alcohol and the Bible to pay attention to me.

Eventually, weed stopped numbing the pain. I turned to anything I could find. Norco was the first hard drug I started doing, at age 14, which was okay for a while. I would do a cold-water extraction to get the acetaminophen out. I was totally in love with this drug for a while.  I was also starting to realise I was slipping into addiction pretty quick. When you listen to addicts, specifically opiate addicts, talk about their addiction it always starts off with something like Norco. When I say I was in love with this drug, I mean it. I even wrote a fucking shitty poem about it.

It was yellow like the sun And dandelions by the pond In the middle of the new hope of spring

It swallowed me whole I let it steal all of my control Until I had become positively nothing

The blood trickles down Across lips frozen in a frown Broadcasting the sad signs of suffering

Anything just to get to sleep Just be mindful not to cut too deep Or the side effects will start to become troubling

Making sure that nobody suspects Your friends don't know what to expect Barely able to just keep on living and functioning

I need help, I know I can't keep this up I feel my will being drained, I'm out of luck Trying to survive, nothing but constant struggling

I have keep going, I have to at least try If I don't fix this soon, I may just possibly die My life is slipping away, my condition is worsening

I have to live to see another new day I can't just let the beautiful gift of life slip away I will persevere, I will succeed, no matter how challenging  

Incredible, right? And see, I actually wanted to get better at this point. Then I started doing oxy at age 15. Next thing I knew, I was a 16 year old heroin addict. What type of heroin did I like the best? Why, the worse kind, black tar heroin of course! Injected straight into my veins for a healthy dose of wound botulism. But fuck it, right? Kurt Cobain did heroin, and he was a pretty cool guy. Sure, he died young but at least he didn't die of an overdose. I'm pretty sure Courtney killed him, but nonetheless he totally didn't die as a result of the drugs, right? 16 year old me thought that this was a safe enough reason to pick up heroin. Plus, just look at "his" suicide note, where he mentions a quote from Neil Young. It's better to burn out than fade away. 16 year old me thought that THIS was the quote to live by. I'd worshiped Kurt Cobain since age 12, so dying as "glamorously" as he did was the dream. If 16 year old me was this stupid as to use a dead heroin addict’s suicide letter for life guidance, then 17 year old me was definitely not many pegs up on the intelligence ladder.

This is where I kind of lost all functionality. I turned 17 in December of 2013, and my family actually kind of started noticing I was pretty badly fucked up, and kind of started guessing that it might be a result of terrible parenting. Plus, I had started drinking, just like mommy and daddy! Oh the best thing of all? I was pregnant. I was a 17 year old, pregnant, drunk heroin addict. I miscarried at five months, which I was devastated about at first. I'm pretty glad about it now though, and I don't really care if that makes me a cold hearted bitch. I wouldn't trust 17 year old me with building a lego set, let alone caring for an actual child. My parents chucked me into a 60 day rehab at 17 in May of 2014, and for a while I was okay. By a while, I mean until July. I was sober off of heroin for a year after coming out of rehab, but I went straight back to drinking after I was out.

Then I met V. And a few months later, J. But we'll talk about V first, because I still don't really have closure and since sobering myself up for realsies (meaning no drugs, alcohol or self-harm) this time I'm faced to confront all the things that are wrong with a 30 year old man trying to sex up a 17 year old junior in high school.