#(im not complaining- its been a while since i felt so obsessed with a fictional character)

[birb--birb]

Current mental state

[fireeaglespirit]

beyond-far-horizons

replied to your post “I’m not surprised by the results.  I received it with barely...”

I am so sorry to hear this. I felt it would happen but i hoped.. You feel as you need to. Just know you aren't alone. I was formulating a response to our previous conversation on the subject but it was so in depth I need to give it more time. Please know that from the bottom of my heart I do feel that this is not the end. I dont think these terrible people and their lies and sycophants can endure forever but I do mourn with you all you mentioned.

Please dont throw anything away including your dreams, however impossible know it can come true. Afterall this nightmare is here, so why can't good prevail? I do believe you will be a zoologist one day in a land that respects you. Please try and hold on to that even if you dont feel it now. Still as I said, I respect your feelings of loss and anger. Im here for you my friend.

We all knew it would happen either way. If the results were different, there would likely be civil war and the military would take over (it has been stated by them multiple times)... so we would have instant bloodshed. In a way the results would be the same... TBH I don’t know what would be preferable, its hard to predict.

Anyway, don’t worry about replying, my comments are really outdated on some posts, especially now under this new reality and I have been writing kinda passionately without thinking much.. its just more like little vents. I’m a disaster when it comes to philosophy and often write things that I bet are atrocious for those who are more versed in these matters... I just like peeking my nose on those subjects, lol. I’m better off when talking about things under my sphere of knowledge...

BTW, When you’re willing do write me about alchemy but don’t feel pressured to do so! You can give me links too about it. I’m just curious because it seems like your concept goes beyond the traditional and I know you base a lot of your stuff on this so its kinda necessary for me to understand your works better (not that I don’t do that now, lol! kinda like I’m reading source material to understand many new things and I enjoy it), just that I feel like there’s an underlying element to it I’m not able to grasp entirely and I’m excited to know more, plus I feel like it encompasses those aspects we love so much in fiction...

About the mourning part, yes... I do feel like something is dead. You know, being very poetic here... yesterday I went outside and the moon was beautiful. I just keep thinking:

The same moon has witnessed the rise and fall of tyrants, the same moon has been here to witness the most beautiful and the most atrocious things humanity has ever done. They won’t last forever... the moon still shines ever so beautifully and is unfazed by it.

What gives me respite, is looking at the night sky, and knowing. Eternity lies there, and yet, nothing lasts forever, not even stars. When people look at the beautiful night sky, they often feel an ache on their chest, the fear of the unknown. Infinity shows our own limitations in stark contrast... but tonight I felt respite. In knowing... our little world is just a little part of it, yet its so precious. Life is wondrous yet so terrible.

I’ll cry when the amazon gets chopped off but it can’t be helped. Nature will always rebuild itself and we’re just a tiny speck compared to its relentless might and eternity. 

Non-sense, again.. don’t mind me. The mind needs to cope with reality, and we keep creating those allegories in order to soften it... everything is valid, in the end. I can understand why certain things came to be, such as faith.

To the other part, I need to thank you immensely... sometimes we just need to hear a friendly reassuring word and what you said here is just what I needed to hear. I don’t feel so lonely, knowing someone out there understands and respect my pain. 

Looking back to yesterday when I wrote that post, it now feels like it was written so egocentrically. Complaining about not being able to follow one desired path in life, while most people are not able to do so. Almost anyone is able to do so. Yet each and every dream that is denied in this life by stupid circumstances is worthy taking notice, including my own. We need to fight and change it. Is all I say now..

About the specific matter of zoology/paleontology, I’m kinda lunatic about it and my obsession with it is not healthy. I feel like its my token of melancholy. I often feel anger towards it and the path my life has taken... its mostly something I feel envy and desire, its hard to explain... my mother and some about me say I don’t need a freaking paper saying I studied something, when I made it by myself for so long. I don’t even know if it would bring me happiness, or if I’d be deluded, I just wanted to try.

I just had this fixation of being a scientist for as long as I can remember. I always loved arts but I never considered it as a career so I don’t feel as strongly about not being able to work with it as I feel with my favorite fields of science.  

My desire of studying it formally is perhaps idealized and highly egocentric and a way to validate my own personality and views and be recognized... at the same time, I just want to ‘be in those places’, to be among people who understand it and people close to my mindset, to be a part of it which I love so much: science and pursuit of knowledge per se, without means and reasons, just for itself and the wonder of understanding the life forms I love so much. Its been with me since childhood... its weird and a weakness of mine. I feel a bit of shame about needing that stupid validation, I've tried to let go of it, but it still comes back from time to time... its my personal vendetta and a grudge and every-time I’m sad I get back to it.

I’m kinda mad about it, really. I don’t know what I’ll do in the future, I just feel like I would like to go ‘to those places’ and see it by my own eyes... to have my own little Darwinian adventure and just be there and ‘feel it’. I just dream quite literally that I’m on one of those wonderful universities and museums and seeing the fossils I've loved since childhood. I would be complete quite literally after doing this and perhaps my anger would be diminished and I would be able to let go of it, who knows?

I warned you I’m kinda lunatic about it. Perhaps I wouldn't even be happy as a zoologist proper, I just feel happy loving animals and knowing more about them.. but I’d like to see it for myself and put my inner child who screams inside of me that I’m not what I should be... ‘to rest’ peacefully, and go on to whatever awaits, being it science or something else.

Thank you so much, anyway, I feel incredible good about telling you these feelings which had been buried deep down by years of frustration and failure (LOL). I’m incredible dramatic... anyway... I’m getting over it slowly its not as bad as it used to be and I’m sure one day I’ll be in those places I dreamed of and feel it and what makes me sure is that I’ll never give up until I do so, or die trying. 

Don’t feel like you need to reply to those things, lol, I just feel good venting