#(im not complaining- its been a while since i felt so obsessed with a fictional character)

[birb--birb]

Current mental state

[fireeaglespirit]

beyond-far-horizons

replied to your post “I’m not surprised by the results.  I received it with barely...”

I am so sorry to hear this. I felt it would happen but i hoped.. You feel as you need to. Just know you aren't alone. I was formulating a response to our previous conversation on the subject but it was so in depth I need to give it more time. Please know that from the bottom of my heart I do feel that this is not the end. I dont think these terrible people and their lies and sycophants can endure forever but I do mourn with you all you mentioned.

Please dont throw anything away including your dreams, however impossible know it can come true. Afterall this nightmare is here, so why can't good prevail? I do believe you will be a zoologist one day in a land that respects you. Please try and hold on to that even if you dont feel it now. Still as I said, I respect your feelings of loss and anger. Im here for you my friend.

We all knew it would happen either way. If the results were different, there would likely be civil war and the military would take over (it has been stated by them multiple times)... so we would have instant bloodshed. In a way the results would be the same... TBH I don’t know what would be preferable, its hard to predict.

Anyway, don’t worry about replying, my comments are really outdated on some posts, especially now under this new reality and I have been writing kinda passionately without thinking much.. its just more like little vents. I’m a disaster when it comes to philosophy and often write things that I bet are atrocious for those who are more versed in these matters... I just like peeking my nose on those subjects, lol. I’m better off when talking about things under my sphere of knowledge...

BTW, When you’re willing do write me about alchemy but don’t feel pressured to do so! You can give me links too about it. I’m just curious because it seems like your concept goes beyond the traditional and I know you base a lot of your stuff on this so its kinda necessary for me to understand your works better (not that I don’t do that now, lol! kinda like I’m reading source material to understand many new things and I enjoy it), just that I feel like there’s an underlying element to it I’m not able to grasp entirely and I’m excited to know more, plus I feel like it encompasses those aspects we love so much in fiction...

About the mourning part, yes... I do feel like something is dead. You know, being very poetic here... yesterday I went outside and the moon was beautiful. I just keep thinking:

The same moon has witnessed the rise and fall of tyrants, the same moon has been here to witness the most beautiful and the most atrocious things humanity has ever done. They won’t last forever... the moon still shines ever so beautifully and is unfazed by it.

What gives me respite, is looking at the night sky, and knowing. Eternity lies there, and yet, nothing lasts forever, not even stars. When people look at the beautiful night sky, they often feel an ache on their chest, the fear of the unknown. Infinity shows our own limitations in stark contrast... but tonight I felt respite. In knowing... our little world is just a little part of it, yet its so precious. Life is wondrous yet so terrible.

I’ll cry when the amazon gets chopped off but it can’t be helped. Nature will always rebuild itself and we’re just a tiny speck compared to its relentless might and eternity. 

Non-sense, again.. don’t mind me. The mind needs to cope with reality, and we keep creating those allegories in order to soften it... everything is valid, in the end. I can understand why certain things came to be, such as faith.

To the other part, I need to thank you immensely... sometimes we just need to hear a friendly reassuring word and what you said here is just what I needed to hear. I don’t feel so lonely, knowing someone out there understands and respect my pain. 

Looking back to yesterday when I wrote that post, it now feels like it was written so egocentrically. Complaining about not being able to follow one desired path in life, while most people are not able to do so. Almost anyone is able to do so. Yet each and every dream that is denied in this life by stupid circumstances is worthy taking notice, including my own. We need to fight and change it. Is all I say now..

About the specific matter of zoology/paleontology, I’m kinda lunatic about it and my obsession with it is not healthy. I feel like its my token of melancholy. I often feel anger towards it and the path my life has taken... its mostly something I feel envy and desire, its hard to explain... my mother and some about me say I don’t need a freaking paper saying I studied something, when I made it by myself for so long. I don’t even know if it would bring me happiness, or if I’d be deluded, I just wanted to try.

I just had this fixation of being a scientist for as long as I can remember. I always loved arts but I never considered it as a career so I don’t feel as strongly about not being able to work with it as I feel with my favorite fields of science.  

My desire of studying it formally is perhaps idealized and highly egocentric and a way to validate my own personality and views and be recognized... at the same time, I just want to ‘be in those places’, to be among people who understand it and people close to my mindset, to be a part of it which I love so much: science and pursuit of knowledge per se, without means and reasons, just for itself and the wonder of understanding the life forms I love so much. Its been with me since childhood... its weird and a weakness of mine. I feel a bit of shame about needing that stupid validation, I've tried to let go of it, but it still comes back from time to time... its my personal vendetta and a grudge and every-time I’m sad I get back to it.

I’m kinda mad about it, really. I don’t know what I’ll do in the future, I just feel like I would like to go ‘to those places’ and see it by my own eyes... to have my own little Darwinian adventure and just be there and ‘feel it’. I just dream quite literally that I’m on one of those wonderful universities and museums and seeing the fossils I've loved since childhood. I would be complete quite literally after doing this and perhaps my anger would be diminished and I would be able to let go of it, who knows?

I warned you I’m kinda lunatic about it. Perhaps I wouldn't even be happy as a zoologist proper, I just feel happy loving animals and knowing more about them.. but I’d like to see it for myself and put my inner child who screams inside of me that I’m not what I should be... ‘to rest’ peacefully, and go on to whatever awaits, being it science or something else.

Thank you so much, anyway, I feel incredible good about telling you these feelings which had been buried deep down by years of frustration and failure (LOL). I’m incredible dramatic... anyway... I’m getting over it slowly its not as bad as it used to be and I’m sure one day I’ll be in those places I dreamed of and feel it and what makes me sure is that I’ll never give up until I do so, or die trying. 

Don’t feel like you need to reply to those things, lol, I just feel good venting

[mefukimeme-gonebithc]

SWINGS OPEN DOOR FRANTICALLY AND POINTS AT ALL THE EMOJIS: do it

.........................oh boy

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

HMMM most of them id rather not talk about since theyre really personal/a lot of them arent really secrets since i have talked abt them but they can easily go unnoticed sooooo

im confessing to having a thing for gloves i guess??? specifically black cloth gloves (im not a fan of leather, feels Weird) so. ye. 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

All (in the end id probably be getting hugged tho haha im v awkward at hugging vs being hugged)

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

CARBINKS!!! anything that i deem cute is my favourite (ex. r/owlets, m/imikyus, bonus since theyre a dark/fairy >:3c!!, pum/pkaboo, etc) 

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

donald trump would be dead and obama can stay president for another 4 years until the world gains potential candidates that arent shitty

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

I Dont Think I Want To Talk About It. ill just link the post. (btw thats my dream journal blog, i should use it more)

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i have multiple so hmm.....maybe the fact they put up with my gay bullshit

😘 talk about your crush or partner

gay. moving on.

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya betch

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

-hair

-singing

-cuteness factor

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

HMM im mainly scared of losing my friends and thatll take more than just mental training to move on, but uhh i DO have a mild fear of getting assaulted..........idk how to fix that bc its actually really bad paired up w paranoia

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

kuro kiryu. he can also easily make me cRY WHEN HES A FUCKING RANKING CARD.

💙 what annoys you about some people?

when they do stuff theyre not asked to do and complain like “oh my GOd [persons name] why cant you do this??? im so tired, i just wanna rest, but i HAVE to do this!!” like shut up no one asked you to do it, if youre so tired to rest first and then do it.

another irritating thing is people who use the term “special snowflake” unironically especially on kids who make edgy/mary sue ocs like shut up ugly let them grow up and regret their choices by themselves, dont teach them its okay to make fun of younger people for their edgy ocs

😤 do you get angry easily?

irritated??? ya, angry??? no

youd have to do some fucked shit to get me angry, but i do get irritated fast

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

I DONT THINK I CAN TALK ABOUT THEM HERE,,,

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

-education system

-change how the U.S. ignores the struggles of third world countries unless it profits them/benefits them

-solar energy  

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

“GKL JGAE THE ODDBALLS”

kiss - wataru

befriend - rei

marry - natsume

kill - shu

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

SAN DIEGO!!! its got such a nice vibe, its never too hot there, NATURE!!! I LOVE THE SCENERY THERE EVEN IN THE CITY THERES TREES AND ITS SO NICE!! its just got such a nice vibe to it i havent felt anywhere else and its SO NICE!!

☕️ talk about your ideal day

ideal day, i get to be home alone, play both of AKATSUKI’s albums while talking and playing games with friends without worry ill be too loud to anyone else, i get good food, and i have a nice dream that i remember vividly

alternatively, visiting a bunch of greenhouses/nature filled areas would be Great

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

uhh im gonna go with ambivert/introvert leaning

💧 when was the last time you cried?

crying as in “i feel like Death”, literally a few hours ago because i remember the daikagura kuro.....

as in actually breaking down, yesterday was really bad grhgra

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

1. love letter of the brilliance of cherry blossoms

2. temptation magic

3. ryusei hanabi

4. hinakura to neji ama 

5. the living ghost is alive

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

HMMM this is actually hard for me to pick bc ive had multiple kins where i had powers fuc UHHH

its really hard for me to pick just one, so i guess ill just list off top 5 and why

1. teleportation - i could teleport to my friends cities, also i could prob trick people into thinking im running when im just teleporting inch by inch/foot by foot >:3c

2. deceiving ability like kano - ,,,it seems pretty neat

3. the ability to cheer people up - ,,, it seems pre

4. shapeshifting/transformation - theres absolutely no consequences to being able to make myself taller.........

5. weapon/item creation - i could just make headphones instead of buying them AND i can ensure theyll last

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont worry about how youre being treated now, itll get better

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

ahh, its hard for me to be jealous uhh

in one aspect, i guess te/tora since hes so energetic and hes paired so often with ku/ro...im pretty jealous

in another aspect, j/acksep/ticeye or th/omas san/ders. id love to be able to make a difference to others like how they do, not to mention id love to be as energetic as them

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

bravery definitely. im fairly kind, i have enough brain power (OOOOO AIEOU JOO-) to get by, im fine with how cute i am >;3c, wealth is good but over bravery which im very much lacking in, id rather be brave so i could do so many things id love to do......

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

in a joking manner: my kink for intimidating characters. @ me chill

in a serious matter: probably the fact im awful at trying to cheer people up and i feel awful fornot even trying anymore

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i know english, im VERY limited in thai/lao/japanese, and i know next to nothing of spanish/german/french but i did take a few notes about them bc i was bored. i wanna learn thai/lao the most so i can connect with my culture more, but japanese would be nice since a lot of stuff i enjoy is japanese and i dont wanna hastle others to translate stuff for me haha

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

KURO KIRYU I LOVE HIM

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

a universe where im energetic, not lazy, and motivated to continue on in life and make the world just a tad bit better. and i live with my friends in a nice house in san diego!!

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

,,, i really dont know, and thats why im disappointed in myself

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

demon. theres so many types of demons i dont have to be malicious, plus i could blend in fairly well. theres no rly big downside except ill be frowned upon by other divines

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

someone: you hurt my boyfriend you take away his fp you pretty much fuck him over and you proceed to have gross/abusive kinks shut the fuck up ugly i hate you so much and i never even talked to you i never want to see you mention his url or name ever again youre so awful

something: school fucking sucks and i can bring up a lot of reasons for this. 1: some of the teachers hired are only hired to educate, so personality wise they could be oppressive towards their students. 2: while i do feel like having a core lesson plan is okay, FORCING kids into certain core subjects is bad and they end up not learning because they feel like they HAVE to be their best or else theyll fail, and thats awful. the grading system isnt completely awful, since it shows kids areas that need to be improved, but making it some life changing thing is just...bad...because at that point it goes from “well you need to improve in these areas, so why dont we offer you help so theyll be easier!!” to “GET BETTER AT THIS OR BE FOREVER UNEMPLOYED” and i hate it. i could rant about this.

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

ive just been.....depressed bc of low swing my dude. a big issue would be my entire “i want to do good but i suck” thing, and yesterday i had a really bad dream as stated earlier and it made me extremely anxious for the entire day until i finally talked to my friend about it. theres also the fact i have school but theres no way i can finish it now

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

vet, now im like...im unsure... i wanna get into architech/floor planning/house designing and also be sort of like a youtube/internet idol??? if that makes sense......idk

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

ice cream is one of the only ones i can tolerate haha- i LOVE mochi ice cream but i cant get them fresh here since theres no east asian centric stores here (only southeast/hispanic fusion stores) so rip... ia lso like cheesecake a fair bit

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

kur/o kiryu. or e/nstars in general i guess

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

my breathing gets a bit faster, my chest starts vaguely aching and i get nauseous

😪 what are you sick of?

THE COLD. ITS S O C O L D. PLEASE HELP.

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

nope, not really. i do awful at horror games, im terrified of roller coasters, and the thought of jumping out of a plane makes me wanna decay

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

sh/u it/suki is Bad. the y/oi fandom is made up 80% of really bad fuj/oshi who later hopped onto an extremely controversial manhwa. hea/thens wasnt too bad of a song. i still like mi/necraft/happy tr/ee friends. i like rh/ythm games but dont like rh/ythm heaven. mc/a wasnt awful. ut/apri as an anime isnt too bad but definitely doesnt match up to the games quality in both art and story telling. id/olm@st/er is a tad bit over rated. ens/tars should be localized to ENG.

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

haha nope

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

draw/VERY rarely sew/read tarot, which is what im supposed to be doing anyways

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

uhhh it was either te/mptation magic or love letter of the brilliance of cherry blossoms

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

how i cant cheer people up or help people be more positive. ir aelly dont know how i can improve it my dude, but im thinking.

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

usually bunnies, but if im feelin crafty ill doodle an anime char

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

age mostly

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

INTP, and idk its just there

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

“the battle: ra*bits” MMMMMMMMM nito. dgmw i love mits/uru and i loved how energetic he was + i liked mitsuru too but ni/to introduced me to ku/ro in my canon and he was very supporting of me/tried his best to help me

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont really have a CELEBRITY celebrity fave but itd def be t/homas sanders internet wise

🐴 opinion on __?

“holds up kiibo”

a good boi. i trust him

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

ehh its actually really hard for me to become emotionally unless im deeply attached to something sooo not really

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

ghost girl, maximum ride, and cr*zy

i dont remember any quotes from the first and last books BUT “WE’RE LIKE FREAKIN BALLERINAS AND YOU ARE LIKE A FRIDGE WITH WINGS” will always be my fave

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

listen to music, isolate myself justtt a tad bit, and try to distract myself. it helps to a certain extent, but it wont save my ass

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

k/uro ki

🌍 which country do you live in?

america

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

a fucking asshole

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“you think youre ugly but youre just not your type” -some tumblr post i cant find atm

💭 do you keep a diary?

i keep a dream journal, but i stopped keeping diaries because im wayyy too paranoid someones gonna snoop

💫 who inspires you?

HMMMM chi/aki morisawa, tho/mas sanders, and j/acksepticeye

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

ye, theres no proof that they DONT exist (although you could argue theres also no evidence that they DO exist), PLUS i have had some experiences with ghosts! also itd be fuckin....awkward if id idnt considering i wanna get into s/pirit work

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

ko/toko ut/sugi is the only way i could describe it. kinda gothic-punk??? i used to be into yum/ekawaii and fa/iry kei but i ended up falling out of them.

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

MMM ri/se of the gua/rdians was pretty good, zo/otopia was also good...the book of life was really good and i wanna watch it again now ahhh

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

idonthaveonemymemorypastsixmonthsisgoneandmychildhoodwasfilledwithmebeinginsulted UHH one time in 6th grade i dated a dude and he gave me a teddybear/candy for valentines day and it was really nice, i felt bad since i didnt get him anything and i feel bad for not even breaking up with him to his face

🐱 what’s your dream pet like?

bunny. thats all

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be?

KURO KI