#(if anyone has actually experienced that know that I’m SO JEALOUS OF YOU 😭)
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thetwilightroadtonightfall · 6 months ago
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if anyone’s got really good posts about the way Dungeon Meshi handles gastronomy and/or the impact it’s had on people’s irl relationships with food, could you send em my way? please and thank
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fairycosmos · 11 months ago
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do you have any advice on how to overcome internalized homophobia? I’m a bi woman but I have a hard time accepting I’m bi, idk I always felt very strongly about gay rights but didn’t realize until recently I actually really like women and it kind of freaked me out….. the dread that wells up within me is actually kind of terrifying. I have conservative parents who are just casually homophobic but I mean they would never physically harm me or directly confront me about being gay but I think their casual indifference and disdain still left a deep impression on me. I had a girlfriend when I was 16 and my then girlfriend’s mom was really homophobic and to this day it’s painful to think about. Also I guess I always pinged as gay to lots of my classmates because at every school I was enrolled in during high school I always got mocked for being gay/into women. Well. I think I’ve always known I’m bi but not until recently did I realize I actually want to be with women. Do you have any advice how to build yourself up after such instances? How do I extend love to myself and accept myself while still remaining closeted and not having any sort of community in my social life…. I want to move out and live with people my age and make queer friends but I don’t even know where to start. I get so jealous seeing other people happy in relationships with supportive communities and families, which makes me a bad person I know but I just wish I had the guts to actually invest time and energy to build the life I want 😭
i'm going to be very real w you i may not be the very best person to ask. yes, i'm a bi woman whose closeted to my family, so we're on the same page as far as that goes, but i think based on this ask thar you're in a bit more of an extreme situation than me. my parents would describe themselves as liberal as far as economic status goes but they've definitely got an implicit bias towards the lgbt community and it has showed ever since i was a kid......i honestly do not know what they would do if they knew i was bisexual, idek if i would have a relationship with them at all. so I find it hard to offer any concrete advice on building yourself up after coming out bc, obviously, i haven't even gotten there myself - i'm out to some friends and stuff but not to family. i think more than anything we're in the same boat, i daydream about moving out and meeting queer friends too, it is a really really difficult position to be in. i wanna say the only thing i've done in the last 2 yrs go sort of expand my horizons is go to gay bars - though i have to get the train for 40 min to get to to one - and try and get in contact with any sort of lgbt support or community, even online.
something i want to impress is that you don't have to talk about your sexuality to anyone unless you're comfortable doing so. for the longest time i felt like i was betraying everyone by not immediately announcing it - being bi - but i've come to learn that is truly just. my business?? and not even a big deal to most ppl??? i often feel so perverted, so wrong, so just like. ashamed of experiencing same-sex attraction, but genuinely - we don't owe that information to anyone unless we decide for ourselves that it's relevant to that particular dynamic. it's really really hard for me to accept, and i still find it hard to even say "i'm bi" out loud. but i think i just want you to know w this message that i at least somewhat get it and that you're not doing anything wrong by just like. being who you are and doing what you can to get by authentically. sending a massive hug your way - if you want to talk about this more, feel free to message me anytime!! x
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ruminate88 · 5 months ago
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Contemplating 07/12/24
So twice yesterday two separate places were screaming “therapy” and then someone post the word “contemplating” and it was like wooooow.
I understand that what Andrew, Cody and Jake did to me was impactful on my self worth and brain function. God has helped me so far. I’ve been learning how to grow my hair back and get my digestive health under control. I found a good magnesium citrate supplement that’s helping with that 🙏🏻 I don’t know anyone personally who has ever done therapy, so I can give no advice there. However, I would say to just be careful who you talk to and what advice they give you. Counseling I’m sure can be good if it’s from a good source. I haven’t opened back up to my husband, since he had to threaten Andrew to leave me alone becuase I don’t think he’ll understand truly what emotional abuse is and I don’t want him to make me feel bad for it. I think he wouldn’t purposely want me to feel bad, he just maybe wouldn’t know what to tell me. So I’m being choosy in who I talk to these days. Altho if the door opened, I would try to speak up to my husband.
I’ve never understood “trauma” growing up cuz I didn’t think I ever experienced such a thing until this past year, especially after I fell at Christmas off the ladder putting up lights. That fall was quick but hard. The initial fall didn’t hurt. It was afterwards, when I’m left sore and covered in bruises 😢😢 that’s EXACTLY how it felt with Cody and Andrew. The actual abuse wasn’t painful. It was after they betrayed me and broke my heart, then I felt the pain and was left with deep wounds. After Cody ghosted me, wow…. I kept seeing a “zipper” being zipped up anytime I would try to pray and my mom says, “sounds like you need closure” and that’s ALL she said, she didn’t ask me questions and I did NOT tell her or anyone close to me about Cody. 🥺 I kept him a complete secret and yet he left this big gaping hole inside my heart that wouldn’t ever close up and I didn’t know why. 😓
Yesterday I read the famous verse and quote about love: “Love is long suffering, it’s kind, it’s not jealous or puffed up.” Wow ❤️‍🩹🙏🏻 I have suffered long for Cody and Andrew. I don’t hate them and yet they abused love…. I AM working so tirelessly to forgive them. I’ve not been seeking any revenge on them. I’m simply sad for them. Sad for myself too. They made love out as a selfish and evil game. Yesterday I posted about how I believed love had healing power but some reason my love didn’t seem like it affected cody or Andrew. Yeah, they’re manipulators and so they’re bad company to be around. I realize that now. I STILL believe in love. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 even when I can’t “feel it” or “see it”. Andrew and Cody did NOT steal my love away or the ability to have it. They will NOT get revenge or anger from me. They’ll only get healthy anger from me. I want them to be better men ❤️‍🩹 I will pray and wish them well. I will let them live their lives in peace. I will not reach out to them or react in abuse back to them.
Will I ever be able to forget how much I loved them two? Probably not. Cuz my love was real and legit. I do believe each day, I’m another step closer to stop hurting over them and healing these deep wounds. I wanna be able to show my loved ones just how powerful love, forgiveness and healing really is. ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹 all my life I’ve felt stupid because school labeled me 😭 I wanna show off just how powerful overcoming labels are!!
I have been saying this past year, “Even if you can only put a toe down at the moment, it’s still a step forward” ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹
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lucyandthepen · 1 year ago
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hi it’s me 🍭again !
I am a fan of Zelda !!! I only played BOTW and TOTK so I don’t know if I can call myself a fan but I really enjoyed both ! I actually didn’t finished TOTK because I waited for my nephew to comeback from vacation so he can watch me beating Ganondorf (I also waited because I just don’t want to finish the game 🥸).
For age of calamity, I really enjoyed watching the cinematic hehehe. I actually don’t know very much about Koei game but I’ll look more into it later !
I can’t wait to see Zelda reference in one of the next fic !!
omgg who do you think it’s most likely to be jealous in dream ? Personally my top 3 will be : mark, jeno and maybe jaemin or haechan idkkkk
don’t worry !! it’s not a hassle for me to come everyday !! That’s okay, the wait between fics aren’t that long + I haven’t read all your works so it gives me time to read all of them 🫶🏼🫶🏼. I also enjoy reading your little update about the queuing (am I weird for that ? but I actually think that’s sweet that you’re telling us what you’re about to update next and everything ☹️).
for the beyond live, I actually haven’t watched it lol I just watched some clips on twitter but let me tell you. My biases in dream are Jaemin and Haechan but because of this concert… I feel like Jeno is also becoming my bias (he’s actually my bias wrecker since forever haha).
And the performance I enjoyed the most was Boom, because dream is my fav unit and they wore SUITS 😭🙏🏼 I am a sucker for men in suits, I don’t why but whenever I see one I’m like 🤩🤩🤩 so yeah
I also really enjoy talking with you💕
hello my lovely anon! looks like i might've accidentally missed this!! sorry for the late reply. :(
i totally get what you mean! i am also just relatively new in the sense that i only played AoC, BOTW, and TOTK, but that still makes us fans, i think! as long as we have experienced the content and feel positively towards it, that definitely makes us fans, regardless of what era we came into the 'fandom' during (i think that applies for all things). has your nephew not yet come back from vacation? i've also only finished the four villages again, but i'm now wasting time collecting bubbul gems and avoiding ganondorf because I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT MF! but if you ever beat ganondorf, let me know how it goes!! i'm curious to know if the fight is hard or similar to the phantom ones!
that's totally okay! koei games are rather old but i love how simple and mindless they usually are! when i was younger, i had a ps2, and that's when i first started playing dynasty warriors 4: empires. from then on, i was totally obsessed! some of their other games are samurai warriors (4 was great, but 5 is a super good story too!), atelier (e.g. atelier ryza), and i think they have tie-ins with other franchises like one piece warriors, fire emblem warriors, and super smash bros. ultimate to name a few!
for jealousy, i feel like my top three list is very odd, but i've rationalized it in my head enough to feel like i can defend it SOMEHOW (to myself): haechan, then mark, then renjun! haechan definitely feels like he'd be loud about being jealous too so that's why i put him on top! i can definitely also see jeno and jaemin have possessive streaks too!
it is absolutely not weird at all for you to be reading the queue updates! i'm super bad at keeping to plans because i'm a bit all over the place as a person and because i actually suffer from ocd, i have a tendency to fixate on something even if i know there's something else waiting for me and i feel compelled to do it to the point that i can't sit still at all until i get it done. hence, why i had no choice but to bang out salted caramel very quickly! i'm glad that the queue updates help you, and i really hope that in the future i won't have to confuse you or anyone else with my messy behavior :(
oh man... anon, i know exactly what you mean. jeno popped off a little too hard that day and i fear the worst for EVERYONE'S bias list (except the jeno ults, of course!). maybe he's intentionally coming for all our necks????????????? that seems like a jeno thing to do....................... how awful n inconsiderate of that sexy yummy man.................................... JSIFJSIDFJSIJFSIDJF
I GET WHAT YOU MEAN!!!!!!!!! we always love boom (jaemin's 2023 'ice cream' still POPPED OFF!) and the suit look is a classic we can't every get sick of. YOU ARE VALID IN YOUR THIRST, MY LOVE!
i'm always here for you! have a great day/night wherever you are, and remember to do something that makes you happy!
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melis-writes · 2 years ago
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we need a continuation to the afermath of Victoria finding out about Apollonia's pregnancy. She gets really sad and heartbroken after what Michael told her, with the postpartum homones only spiking it. She's falling asleep in the twins nursery and barely eating anything. After being questioned abt it, she lets it all out in a heartfelt conversation with her mother-in-law, that is heard by Michael.
"I love him so much...and it hurts, Mama. Why did he need to keep that from me? What if I had gotten married and pregnant before and kept it from him?"
"Maybe I feel jealous that she was his first love. She knew a Michael that I'll never know"
Oh my God, this prompt!! 😭💔 And we already know it’s canon too based on what happened in the main chapters of the fic. Honestly, my heart feels for Victoria. Michael needs to be more honest and transparent with her, all she wants to do is know her husband better, have him open up to her, etc. 🥺 She’s very understanding, but in this prompt/scenario, Michael definitely isn’t… Maybe a part 3 with Carmela confronting her son about breaking her daughter-in-law’s heart soon…?! 👀
“You know how serious it would be if it impacted Miss Ferrari, you know that, right? She doesn’t know you’re a widower.”
Words of what would otherwise be wisdom from Vito to his youngest son Michael on the day you were engagement to him had Michael actually listened to prevent the endless tears streaming down your face right this moment.
“And she doesn’t have to know.” 
You slam the door shut to the bathroom down the hallway of the second floor just outside you and Michael’s bedroom—making sure the door is locked behind you.
Hiccupping through your sobs, you’re quick to lean over the sink—feeling the weakness in your knees growing as you turn on the tap for cold water at full blast, mostly to muffle out your crying to anyone who may be in the hallway.
“Be honest and transparent with the woman of your life, Michael.”
You swallow down the lump in your throat, taking shaky breaths and attempting to calm yourself down as you begin to splash ice cold water over your splotchy, reddened face.
“She doesn’t deserve to be caught up in the strings of the past, if there are any. How do you feel about her?”
‘Apollonia Corleone. Before me, it wasn’t even her. It was Kay, and then it was her, wasn’t it?’ Just the mere thought of Apollonia carrying Michael’s last name sends sparks of jealousy through you—a jealousy that you think you shouldn’t be experiencing and one that makes you feel inadequate and even worse.
“I am being honest and forthcoming with you Victoria, just like I promised.”
‘Why does he lie to me?’ You hiccup again, this time clasping a hand over your mouth as you can’t stop yourself from sobbing even harder than you were  before. ‘Why? I would never lie to him about anything—big or small. Never. Why does he keep things from me?’
“If I don’t tell you every miniscule piece of irrelevant information regarding anything, then I’m a ‘liar’, then I ‘keep things away from you’, right?”
‘I don’t know who Michael Corleone was before he met me.’ You force yourself to wash off your face quickly, no longer completely aware if what’s dripping down your face and cheeks is the water from the sink or your own tears anymore. ‘I can never know. That man is gone, I know, but I just wish… I wish I could reach out to him just a little bit—I wish I could understand what’s gone.’
You take deep breaths, attempting to calm yourself down as you close your eyes. You continue to let the cold water wash over you, relieving how hot your face has gotten from sobbing until you no longer feel tears escaping your eyes.
‘First it was a marriage kept from me—one I still can’t understand why I wasn’t told. Everyone else knew, but not me?’ You know when it comes to anything with Michael, the heartache inside of you will haunt you like none other unless you find closure, comfort or reassurance—something you know you’re not going to get out of Michael now.
‘Would he have ever told me if I didn’t find those photographs?’ You turn off the tap, staring at your wet face in the mirror; you appear distraught, heartbroken, but at least not as if you’ve been crying your eyes out anymore.  ‘Would I ever have a chance to know one way or another?’
You clear your throat, leaning your head down towards the sink and practice taking in deep breaths again until you no longer feel your throat tightening or hear any shaky breaths.
‘I don’t understand. Why keep it from me? That’s why I’m upset—because I’ve been lied to when I know I would never do the same. If he had just told me before…’ Feeling yourself grow steady and calm, you back away from the sink and gently wipe off your face with the nearby towel, at least looking semi-presentable and feeling alright enough to step out of the bathroom.
‘I would have understood. I would have felt horrible Michael went through something like that.’ You run your hands through your hair, smoothening out any stray or frizzy strands before gazing at yourself glumly in the mirror. ‘If he just told me, I would be able to understand everything he went through… I would never judge Michael. I love him too much—so much.’
You close your eyes once again, listening intently to make out any sounds or footsteps in the hallway but hear nothing.
‘I wish you wouldn’t lie to me so much, Michael.’ All you want to do when you open your eyes again is feel Michael’s warm and loving embrace come up from behind you—give you a kiss on the cheek, apologize and hold you in his arms. ‘I wish you wouldn’t keep things from me.’
But when you open your eyes, he’s not there. You’re alone in the bathroom and the only sound you can faintly hear is a pair of footsteps already long gone down the spiral staircase.
‘I wish I didn’t have to find out everything in the form of literal blackmail.’ Pulling yourself together amidst the intense postpartum hormones only spiking up how emotional you’ve been since you gave birth to the twins, you glance at your watch to read the time; 7:12 PM.
‘Why does it hurt?’ You sniffle, forcing back any further tears as you unlock the bathroom door and take a step out into the hallway. ‘My heart hurts so much.’
As you walk closer towards the staircase, you can’t make out any sound of Michael but know at this hour you’d usually be spending dinner at the family estate altogether—something you know you won’t be attending tonight, not like this.
‘I just want to be alone right now with my babies…’ You move towards the nursery, knowing the nanny, Esther, was just here shortly before you had your fight with Michael putting the twins to sleep.
Judging on the fact you can’t hear the twins and that Esther isn’t in the nursery anymore, you already know the babies are fast asleep.
‘My babies.’ You feel your heart swell up in your chest as you push open the nursery door, seeing Niccolo and Verona across from each other in separate cribs, sleeping soundly. ‘My little babies.’
‘Mama’s going to stay with you two for a little while longer…’ Unbeknownst to you, you’ve kept the nursery door ajar as you take a seat on the beige, velvet chaise lounge in the corner of the room. ‘And if you awake, I’ll still be here.’
It’s where you’ve always comfortably sat and laid down on when the twins crawled around on the carpet to play with their toys or when you had back pain while breastfeeding—now practically serving as a place you can watch over the twins while you take some time to yourself.
‘I don’t want to be near or with anyone else, just my babies…’ You grab the neatly folded blanket off the chaise lounge and unravel it, snuggling it over yourself as you curl up on your seat.
With your head already pounding from sobbing, your eyes weak and little to no energy left inside of you or your voice from fighting with Michael, you give into the sense of restlessness that washes over you.
You let your eyes shut and your breathing grow soft, just wishing to rest and sleep for a while to block out the rest of the world around you and relax.
You don’t want to think about Michael, you don’t want to remember anything consisting of your fight—all you want to do is feel at peace near the twins for a little while longer even if your heart still aches like none other.
As you drift asleep, gaining a momentary peace of mind in the nursery, thirty minutes pass before Michael steps out of his office.
Straightening out his tie and knowing dinner will be served within the hour, Michael makes his way out to the living room—expecting to see you there or at least near the kitchen only to find a rather empty house.
Raising his brow, Michael neither hears any sound of you upstairs or downstairs, and the front door still locked signalling you haven’t left the house for dinner yet either.
Michael walks up the staircase—his curiosity beginning to grow at your whereabouts but at the same time he too knows with no apologies said or truly an ‘end’ to the fight you two had where you rushed off in tears, Michael doesn’t expect you to be too forgiving or approachable.
Instead when Michael gets upstairs, he also finds the bedroom empty. Just as he’s about to go towards the study, Michael stops when he notices the nursery door is ajar rather than fully open as it should be.
With the evening setting in, the nursery’s grown dark and from where Michael can stand, he can make out the sky from the window with the lights turned off—telling him that the twins are both asleep and someone else is inside too.
Taking a peek in, Michael notices you asleep on the chaise lounge inbetween both Niccolo and Verona’s cribs.
You sleep just as soundly as the twins do, utterly exhausted from not just the emotional toll your fight with Michael took out on you, but also your continuing recovery from birth and having to raise two newborn babies with a major lifestyle change.
Michael glances at the twins, hearing them and you breathing softy in sleep as he comes to quietly approach you.
Michael can hardly make out much of your figure from the chaise lounge being in what would be the darkest corner of the room at night, but stops right before you to lean down and tuck the blanket over your shoulders as you sleep on your side.
The rotating security light on the compound grounds spins to momentarily flash some light inside the nursery as the curtains aren’t pulled back.
Your face is illuminated to Michael for just a second, but enough to show you’ve been crying up until you came to nap up here—something Michael knows you don’t regularly do at all unless you’re utterly exhausted.
For a minute there as the light continues rotating and reflecting through, Michael admires his wife, still feeling nothing but absolute love and respect to you even if they were the last things he showed to you during your fight earlier.
Michael lets out a soft sigh, making sure the blanket covers you fully and keeps you warm.
He then turns the night light on by the twins’ dresser before pulling back the curtains—making sure to do everything quietly as not to wake or stir the three of you from sleep.
The twins don’t awaken and neither do you as Michael makes his way out now to get to the family estate—having not bothered to wake you to accompany him to dinner with the family.
“Hi, honey.” Mama Corleone’s voice chimes out as she notices Michael walking towards the dining room in the central family estate. “Dinner’s just about ready. Victoria must be starving.”
“Victoria?” Michael raises a brow, stopping by the kitchen.
“Mhmm.” Carmela lets out a sigh, “she didn’t eat a thing during lunch—I still have her full plate right here. I’m hoping she has more of an appetite tonight, right, Victoria?”
Carmela moves back to look outside the kitchen, expecting you to be by Michael’s side which only confuses her further to see just her son there with nobody else. “Oh. Where is she?”
“She’s with the twins.” Michael replies plainly, “she won’t be here for dinner.”
“She’s still not hungry? Maybe little Niccolo and Verona are really keeping her up these days.” Carmela frowns. “Connie tells me she hasn’t eaten all day—” but before Carmela can even finish her sentence, Michael’s gone into the dining room already.
Michael doesn’t want to give away in any shape or form that the two of you have fought—to him it’s between the two of you alone and the last thing he needs is his own mother questioning your absence by his side and Michael’s lack of answers.
In truth, Michael still has nothing to say to you, but he doesn’t know what you’ll have to say to him when you awaken.
“She’s in the nursery room with the twins,” from Michael is repeated once more at the dining table as dinner is served, and no further questions are asked about your absence.
Connie and Sandra remain especially quiet, knowing the true reason behind why you’re not at the dining table with everyone else, but the looks on their faces give it away to both Michael who knows the obvious, but also Mama Corleone.
After dinner with the family, Mama Corleone cleans up with Sandra, Connie and Theresa as usual, making normal conversation as always.
Mama Corleone hides her concern, noticing Michael’s the first to leave as he promptly makes his way to the courtyard of his and your estate to relax.
Once the kitchen and dining room are spotless and the chores for tonight are finished marking two hours past, Carmela no longer accepts the excuse that you’re “just in the nursery” and enters your estate.
Just as Mama Corleone expected it to be, the first floor of your estate is completely empty and left to the darkness of the night setting in.
As Carmela glances up to the top of the spiral staircase, she makes out a faint glowing light that comes only from the nursery—where she’s headed next.
Carmela’s aware Michael’s out in the courtyard smoking by himself now after dinner while you’re upstairs and alone with the twins.
Just as Mama Corleone reaches the door of the nursery, she hears the faint sounds of Verona and Niccolo cooing happily inside.
Carmela slowly pushes the door of the nursery open as not to barge in and surprise you, and finds you sitting at the very edge of the chaise lounge with a plush carpet set out for the babies who crawl on it under your supervision with their toys.
“Victoria.” Mama Corleone can’t help but smile at the sight of you spending time with the little babies. “There you are.”
“Hi, mama.” You speak softly, your voice feeling a little hoarse and weak. “How’d you know I was up here?”
“How did I know?” Carmela repeats, shaking her head as she closes the nursery door shut behind her. “More like—how did any of us know? Michael told me, but I would have expected it myself since you missed dinner.”
“Michael told you?” You murmur as if it stings to say his name.
“Mhmm.” Carmela notices the look of sadness crossing your face as she approaches the window just above the twins’ dresser—pulling back the curtains a bit and opening up the window for some fresh air.
“Honey,” Carmela sighs, facing you. “You hadn’t eaten a thing at lunch and you missed dinner. All I could think about was coming up to see you here as soon as I could.”
Even though the nursery looks down directly at the courtyard, it’s unbeknownst to you and Mama Corleone that Michael can hear your conversation with her very clearly.
“I’m not hungry, mama.” You admit, your voice cracking. “I’m just not. I have no appetite.”
“But you can’t tell me it’s because of these two.” Carmela gestures to the twins, sitting across from them on the carpet, cross-legged. “I know it’s something else that’s bothering you. Sandra and Connie had that guilty look on their faces but they’re not up here with you now.”
“It really has nothing to do with them,” you sniffle, raking a hand through your hair. “It would make no sense for them to get involved, mama.”
“So something did happen.” Carmela points out. “It’s very unlike you to miss dinner, let alone being holed up in here—with or without the twins. I know something’s upset you, Victoria. I can see it all over your face, darling.”
“I don’t know how to explain it.” You swallow hard. “Something happened then, something happened now. I’m upset over something that happened over three years ago that shouldn’t make me react like this—it shouldn’t hurt me, but it does. I hate myself for it—I don’t want to be this way, but I don’t want to be a burden for everyone looking at my face and thinking ‘something’s wrong with Victoria’ when we should all be enjoying dinner instead.”
“While you fall asleep alone in the nursery and eat nothing?” Carmela frowns. “It doesn’t matter to me what’s upset you or how long ago it happened—if it hurts, it hurts. You obviously didn’t want Sandra or Connie’s presence, so I can only imagine what’s been bothering you like this. Please, talk to me, honey. I want to help you.”
You gaze up at your mother-in-law for a moment, taking a deep breath before your expression twists and the tears start flowing all over again. “It’s Michael, mama. I fought with Michael.”
“Oh, sweetheart.” Carmela pouts, handing Niccolò his toy that he accidentally threw out of his reach. “I could have guessed. He wasn’t exactly looking overjoyed himself tonight. What happened, honey? You can let it all out on me, I want to listen.”
You shrug your shoulders weakly, letting Verona hold your finger with her entire hand. “It didn’t even exactly start out as an argument, mama. I was having lunch with Connie, Sandra and Deanna like any other time and they began talking… You know, about motherhood, the twins, and Deanna if she would ever have children with Fredo—” you notice Carmela grimace which makes you smile a bit—“and then somehow the conversation went over to Michael. How he wanted to be a father, how we conceived the twins so soon. The girls assumed it was because Michael suddenly found himself in the family business after they took an attempt on Papa’s life, and then of course Sicily was mentioned.”
“Ah, I see.” Carmela nods, listening to you.
“I know Deanna doesn’t know much at all, but she was wondering if that girl really died the way she did—blown to bits in Michael’s car, and so we said ‘yes’ and answered her. Connie then spoke as if everyone had already known that at the time, Michael’s first wife—” You feel your bottom lip trembling, “was also pregnant with his child at the time of her death.”
Carmela’s eyes widen, not in shock of the revelation but rather you hadn’t known about the pregnancy to begin with. “Just how much has Michael told you about his previous marriage, Victoria?”
“You know, mama.” You speak throughout your tears, “when we fought about two weeks ago over it. Just that much. Nothing until I f-found those photographs Fredo put in my nursery bag of the two at their wedding and…”
You squeeze your eyes shut, sobbing, which attracts the attention of the twins. “A-and I had to yell at him, mama! I had to scream and fight and make a scene just to get answers out of my own husband who should have been forthcoming and honest with me from the start! It wasn’t even u-until the fight spiralled out of c-control that he answered me at all.”
“Oh, Victoria…” Mama Corleone scoots over to your side, placing a reassuring hand over your shoulder. “I know honey, I know. I know how much that took a toll on you—you remember you were just as heartbroken then as you are now telling me all about it.”
“Yeah.” You hiccup, looking up at Mama Corleone with tear-filled eyes. “I thought I was being cheated on, mama. I thought I was the other woman and somehow, somebody knew and they wanted me to see those photographs to show I was the ‘other woman’ in New York while Michael had a wife in Sicily.”
“But we know that wasn’t true, darling.” Mama Corleone speaks to you in a soothing tone. “I can completely understand how you came to that conclusion—I would have to.”
“He s-sat there—” anger begins to grow in your expression, “and told me he was going to be honest with me about everything. About this Apollonia girl, about what really happened and then he lied to me, mama. He lied to me again!”
You wail. “He kept the pregnancy from me after saying he told me the whole truth—he said he would never lie or hold things back from me again—that he wanted to be transparent and forthcoming always but he lied!”
Carmela pulls you into a warm hug, rubbing your back in lazy circles as you sob uncontrollably over her shoulder. “Oh, sweetheart. I see now. He purposefully didn’t tell you she was pregnant either. To him, it must not have mattered.”
“R-retracting things is lying too.” You hiccup throughout your sobs, “it’s not like I would have reacted any other way if he also told me. I thought that was the whole truth! Why am I finding out things about my husband from my sisters when I should know myself? How is that fair?”
“It’s not.” Carmela frowns, growing grievously disappointed in her youngest son. “There is no excuse and it’s simply not fair. I can’t understand why he wouldn’t tell you either.”
“Doesn’t he know me b-by now, mama?” You slowly pull back, feeling your hands shake as Niccolo begins to crawl over your thigh. “We’ve been together almost a year and…and he doesn’t trust me, does he?”
“Victoria, please.” Mama Corleone helps Niccolo up on you lap gently. “Don’t say these things. Michael loves you, he admires you and he trusts you. Yes, none of this makes sense as to why he would hold back such information from you and he’s definitely not in the right at all. I completely blame him for doing this to you—look at you. Oh, it pains me.”
Carmela glances down at the twins. “Two little babies, just gave birth not too long ago and you don’t need this kind of stress either.”
“I would have understood, mama.” You attempt to calm down your breathing to no avail. “Because I know what h-happened to Michael was horrible. I wouldn’t have reacted poorly if he told me e-everything before. So… Why did he keep that from me? I would never do that to him, mama. I’ve never lied to Michael, I wouldn’t dream of doing so because I love him! I-I love him, I love him so much and it…” You look down at your babies, snuggling them both up on your lap. “And it hurts, mama, it hurts.”
Your glassy eyes  meet with Carmela’s. “What if it was the o-other way around? If I had gotten married before in the past and was pregnant, then kept it from him? Now he just tells me I’m jealous. Refuses to apologize for lying and that h-he’s in the wrong—says it doesn’t matter but it matters to me. It matters to me…”
“Jealous?” Mama Corleone raises her brow. “Even so, honey, that’s completely normal to feel. Wouldn’t any other woman feel that way if their husbands kept things about former lovers from them? It all seems a bit suspicious, doesn’t it?”
“I-it does.” You agree. “B-but I won’t deny what he said. I am jealous. There, I said it!” You hug the twins gently over your lap. “M-maybe I am jealous because she was his first love—not me.” Your voice wavers, giving out.
“I j-just wanted my husband to open up to me, to know I care so much about him and will never judge him for his past—no matter what. I do the same for him… I just expected it in return and it seems that was wrong for me to do because now I’ve just gone and upset him too. H-he’s so secretive about it that I know now to myself he’ll always love her more than he loves me. She knew the old Michael, the one in those photographs who smiled and was happy… She knew and was married to a Michael that I’ll never know—a Michael even he doesn’t want me to know. Never…”
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