#(i say this -- i am aesthetically very fond of facial hair on men)

[variousqueerthings]

DANIEL WITH FACIAL HAIR ANSHDNFNFNNFNFNFNNSNDNFMFMFMNGGNNGNG USUALLY FACIAL HAIR ON MEN REPULSES ME BUT HE LOOKS SO 😩😩😩

congratulations on unlocking a new achievement through the angelic stubble of daniel larusso!

[jiangchengrights]

safe

also available on ao3

“You know, I never thought I’d get this,” She is very nearly asleep when her brain decides it would be a good idea to bring this up. Her face is pressed sloppily against Lan Zhan’s thigh, covered in soft, worn sweats that Wei Wuxian might be drooling onto just a tad. It doesn’t matter; they’re at home anyways, sitting comfortably tangled on their couch.

“Hm?” Lan Zhan hums, questioning and when Wei Wuxian looks up at her from where she’s pillowed in the taller girl’s lap, she sees an eyebrow raised, a smile quirked up on the left side of her mouth. She must think Wei Wuxian means her, specifically, which is not wrong in and of itself but they’ve had that conversation before. Wei Ying did not believe she could have me? Lan Zhan had asked, eyes wide as she hovered over Wei Wuxian on they’re bed, Have always liked Wei Ying, everyone knew this. And Wei Wuxian had squawked, trying to sound offended but she was too happy, laughing and rolling around as much as she could under Lan Zhan’s gentle weight, pressing her into their sheets, Well I obviously didn’t know that! And Lan Zhan had been all fond smiles, rubbing her nose along Wei Wuxian’s jaw like a great big cat and murmured, Mn. Wei Ying is oblivious, but I am here now to take care of her.

But that is a different conversation entirely. something a little lighter, happier, funnier in retrospect, than this one that has festered inside Wei Wuxian for well over ten years. And suddenly, she regrets bringing it up, turns herself full bodied until her face is smushed into Lan Zhan’s stomach, safe. Lan Zhan let’s her hide there for a few seconds, petting her hair smoothly as she does. But then, when her time is up, Lan Zhan digs her fingers into Wei Wuxian’s arm, just a little on the side of painful and drags her back. Not out of her lap entirely, because Lan Zhan wants her there as much as Wei Wuxian wants to be there, likes knowing Wei Wuxian is warm and well in her arms. But enough to unobscure Wei Wuxian’s face

“Ow, Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian squeals, rubbing the spot on her arm like she is in the utmost pain, though they both know it didn’t hurt, not really.

“Tell me, Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan demands, her voice firm, eyes tight, but she keeps stroking a hand down Wei Wuxian’s back, consistent. Present.

“So mean to me, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian pouts, staring up at Lan Zhan with wide, puppy dog eyes that plead let’s stop talking about this, let me have my own way.

But Lan Zhan knows her better than anyone else, knows she wouldn’t have brought it up unless it was actually bothering her, knows she needs a little push sometimes, to get going. They work together like that; Wei Wuxian falling into old habits, building up walls that she herself doesn’t even like and Lan Zhan there, present and a little mean and Wei Wuxian always falls asleep

“But?” Lan Zhan prompts, when Wei Wuxian is quiet for too long, digging her nails into the soft skin of Wei Wuxian’s back, smiling when she feels the shiver under her fingertips.

“But,” Wei Wuxian nods, crinkling Lan Zhan’s sweats as she does, “But this was always...forbidden. Not in a sexy way! In a bad way, I guess.”

“You guess?” Lan Zhan asks, resuming gentle strokes to her skin.

“It’s just. When I was growing up, Madam Yu used to talk about, about people like us a lot. Never, she never directed it at me but it was there and I was around to listen,” Wei Wuxian begins again, feeling tight all over, hunched and compressed, like she’s trying to bury herself in Lan Zhan entirely, “How they were bad, how she felt sorry for their parents, their families must be so ashamed to have them.”

Lan Zhan makes another noise at this, angry, but this time her fingers don’t waver into something mean, they simply press firm into Wei Wuxian’s skin, grounding, “She is wrong.”

“I know she is, I know that now,” Wei Wuxian agrees, moving closer to wrap her arms awkwardly around Lan Zhan’s waist, “But I didn’t then. And it didn’t always feel like a problem, either, not when I was really little. So I just let it build and build in my chest, taking it all in, remembering.

“And then I went through puberty,” Wei Wuxian laughs, a wet little thing, nothing like the boisterous cries of happiness she usually belts out, no, this is something quiet and sad and still a little hurt, “God, Lan Zhan. I’d have dreams about women and wake up crying. And I’d think why me. There were so many other things wrong with me, why did this have to be one of them too.

“I’d pray to the gods, y’know, the men to take this away, to relieve me of my curse,” she can’t look Lan Zhan in the eye, feels too raw, to bare, so she plays with the thread of Lan Zhan’s shirt, twists it in her fingers, “And then, when the curse wasn’t lifted, I’d ask them to just let me die. I’d had enough of the torment, I got their message, it was time to let all of this end.”

Lan Zhan’s fingers tighten around her now, not to be mean or to help, but like she’s scared of the mere thought. She tugs Wei Wuxian in even closer, pulls her tight against her body and hovers over her like she might be able to protect her from every bad thought she’s ever had and says, soft, wet, “Wei Ying.”

“And then, secretly,” Wei Wuxian begins again, speaking into Lan Zhan’s abdomen, “I’d pray to the women. I’d ask Tara and Guanyin to make everything better, to make it okay to want this, to have mercy on me and just let me be okay.

“They never answered, either,” Wei Wuxian says and then stops to think, “Or maybe they did. I’m here with you now, after all.”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan agrees, sounding tight in her throat but her hands stay loose, careful, against Wei Wuxian.

“When I calmed down, after a few months of crying myself awake and scrubbing my skin, my mind, I thought you know what? I can work with this. I was never meant to be one of those people just bursting with happiness anyway, you know, that kind of joy was never meant for me,” she explains, slipping her hand under the fabric of Lan Zhan’s shirt to feel the warm skin underneath, smiling at Lan Zhan’s noise of protest against her words, “So I figured, I can just be with a man, it won’t be that hard.

“I mean plenty of men have long hair now, and shave their facial hair, and, and I like big hands,” at this Lan Zhan places one of her own big hands on Wei Wuxian’s back, spreading it warm and wide and heavy across the valley between Wei Wuxian’s shoulder blades, “So, aesthetically, really I could make it work. And I did that for a while; let men touch me how they wanted, tried to find a nice one that wouldn’t get too attached but would treat me well all the same. And the sex wasn’t. It wasn’t good and I was never satisfied but I figured, maybe that’s just sex y’know? Maybe it’s just like that for certain people.”

It might well be like that, but not for Wei Wuxian, not now anyways. She shivers when Lan Zhan scratches her neck, happy. Sex has never been like that with Lan Zhan. Ever. “I wasn’t happy but I wasn’t unhappy either, I really thought if I just put enough effort into other aspects of my life I could find a way to be at least 70% happy and hey that’s passing.”

And she was; she had friends and family, she cried when Jin Ling was born and made every excuse in the world to visit them, she went to parties and read books and followed her passions and maybe all of those things combined made the fact that she went home to a man in her bed okay.

“By the time that faded, it felt like I was already too late,” she sighs and tucks her forehead against Lan Zhan, “I had missed my opportunity to not know what I was doing, I should’ve just accepted it in high school and been awkward and fumbling with some other fifteen year old. I should’ve learned then. Now, I was just some twenty-something virgin in all the ways that matter, too scared to swipe right on a girl’s profile much less actually touch or be touched by one. No, I had missed my chance and now I really had to just accept what life gave me.

“And then, there you were, ruining everything I had worked so hard to carefully cultivate,” Wei Wuxian laughs and pretends there aren’t tears glazing over her eyes, “And I couldn’t have you, knew it wasn’t right and even if it was, you would never want someone like me.”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan warns, in that same tone she uses when she thinks she needs to remind Wei Ying that she belongs to her. A tone that says, Wei Ying you are mine. Will want Wei Ying forever. Wei Wuxian basks in it, preens under her gaze.

“I know, I know,” she shushes, “But that’s what I thought. So I figured, if I couldn’t have you I could at least, leave an impression, leave my mark on you somehow. And that is why I spent an entire year absolutely terrorizing you.”

And she had; she’d followed Lan Zhan around, yelled her name as loud as she could no matter the setting, but her shoulder, grabbed her stuff, teased her relentlessly until even she was tired of herself. But she had to because she could never have Lan Zhan. To let herself slip away, unseen by those golden eyes made her feel like her chest was filled with cold fire, licking its way up her throat.

“Wei Ying was a menace,” Lan Zhan agrees, going back to petting her hair, “But I did not mind.”

“Lan Zhan, it’s okay, I could see that you did even at the time,” she laughs, continuing, “Even Jiang Cheng noticed; he yelled at me, asking me why I kept doing this even though it was clear neither of us wanted to be friends with each other. I couldn’t explain that to him though, of course. I couldn’t explain any of it.”

And she couldn’t; she’d tried before the words always got stuck in her mouth, always choked her. Besides, she’d already decided she was never going to be with a woman anyways, why cause that kind of trouble?

“And then you kissed me,” Wei Wuxian whispers, turning finally in Lan Zhan’s lap so that she can look up at her face. Lan Zhan’s face is blank, emotionless, but her eyes are sad, sad enough that Wei Wuxian brings one hand up to cradle her cheek, rubbing soothing circles into the skin there, “You kissed me and how could I ever say no to you when you were all I’ve ever wanted?”

Lan Zhan nods, leaning into Wei Wuxian’s hand, letting herself be soothed and soothing in return, “Could never say no to Wei Ying either.”

“I know, love,” Wei Wuxian smiles and then grimaces with what she is going to say next, “Madam Yu once, I don’t think she meant it really, it was so off handed but...”

She trails off and this time Lan Zhan let’s her because she is not hiding, simply collecting herself. When she begins again her voice is soft, cracked, “I was being a brat, trying to push limits. Madam Yu was complaining about someone at work for being, for being gay, and I said ‘Oh yeah? What if I turned out gay and brought home a girlfriend? I was trying to be belligerent, you see, to get a reaction, but maybe, maybe I was also just saying it to see. Madam Yu didn’t like that though; she said she’d keep me in the family to keep up appearances but she would never, never love me or my partner the way she loved Shijie and A-Cheng and Jin Zixuan. Said I would be a disgrace not worth looking at. And that silenced me for a while.

“I was so afraid of losing my whole family, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says, only realizing she’s crying when one of Lan Zhan’s fingertips moves to brush them away, “And maybe I did lose Madam Yu but maybe she never loved me that much in the first place. But I think, I think Shijie and A-Cheng still love me, Lan Zhan, I think they do.”

“Yanli-Jie and Jiang Cheng love you very much, Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan confirms, steady and comforting, “Of course they do because there is nothing wrong with Wei Ying.”

“Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, it didn’t feel that way for so long,” Wei Wuxian let’s herself cry, let’s herself wet Lan Zhan’s t shirt until the other girl gathers her up, sitting Wei Wuxian in her lap so she can wrap tight arms around her waist. It is the perfect spot to bury her head in Lan Zhan’s shoulder, “I just can’t believe, sometimes, that I get to be this happy. When I see you asleep in our bed I feel like my chest is cracked open with it, every day, Lan Zhan, just seeing you has me giddy every day.”

“It is the same for me, Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says, scratching her nails against Wei Wuxian’s scalp, “I did not have the same upbringing but seeing you fills me with the same amount of joy. I love you, Wei Ying.”

“I love you too, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian sighs, sinking into the body beneath her, “You make everything better.”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan says and then lets her stay like that for a while, safe in her arms.