#(i mean it's fine a lot of articles are free anyways but still)

[irritablepoe]

okay i think the thesis is mostly edited now at least, so i can add stuff now and then i'll see how far i'll get?

[lucy90712]

Not enough- Jude Bellingham

Dating a footballer is fun until he becomes incredibly successful and all of a sudden there are rumours left and right of him dating someone that isn't you. That's what my life is like Jude and I got together 3 years ago now when we were 17 and have been together since but we never made our relationship public because until the summer we were still long distance and didn't want the extra pressure. Having our relationship private has been so nice as it has meant when we do see each other we get to just enjoy being together but it also means we have to deal with rumours of who Jude might be dating. Those rumours never really got to me while Jude was at dortmund but since he's moved to Madrid things have just got so much more intense it seems that every few weeks there is a million new articles and tweets. 

Having to read all of this and seeing how pretty all the girls has really started to get to me. All the girls Jude is rumoured to be with are either models or just incredibly pretty which makes me feel awful about myself. All these girls have made a name for themselves in some way yet here I am with my job in a cafe while I try and find a job in the area that I studied. Jude likes to tell me that he doesn't care what I do for a living or how much I make but I can't help but feel guilty when I can't contribute much to the house or get him expensive things like he does for me. I'm also definitely no model I'm definitely not as pretty or as skinny as a model which I used to be ok with but now I don't feel so confident in myself. The other wags are also so pretty I definitely don't fit in with them either which makes me feel even worse about myself. 

Jude doesn't seem to have any clue that this is all going on he wakes up goes to training then hangs out with the boys leaving me until late at night so he doesn't see all the rumours or how they affect me. He's not here for the time I spend scrolling through social media or looking in the mirror judging everything about myself. Even when Jude is home he always seems to have something else on his mind so he never really gives me compliments anymore. I'd like to think that he still loves me but at this point I'm really not sure I mean he's young and he's attractive why would he want to be tied down with someone like me he can do so much better. I simply don't think I'm enough for him. 

A few days ago Jude went out to celebrate a big win for the team while I stayed at home but the next morning all I could see was rumours that Jude was flirting with multiple girls all night letting them dance with him and since I haven't really spoken to him. I spent all of last night laying awake thinking about everything and I decided that I just think I need to break up with Jude so then he's free to do all the things everyone thinks he's doing anyway. It's hard to decide to end a relationship especially one that has been going on for so long and one you are so fond of but I don't see any other way forward. This is why I've been so distant with Jude because in my head if I didn't talk to him that would make all of this easier. 

As always Jude left for training just as I got up for work but by the time I got back he was home which only happened the first few weeks I arrived so it was strange to see him here. Like always I headed upstairs to shower and change and when I came back out the bathroom Jude was sat on the bed waiting for me. I still didn't say anything to him because I'm trying to stay strong until I find the right time to tell Jude how I feel. 

"Babe are you ok you've barely spoken to me the last few days" he said 

"Yeah I'm fine just been busy had a lot on my mind that's all" I replied 

"Please don't lie to me I know there's something more going on I see the way you look all the time I just couldn't figure out what was wrong and now I give up so please tell me what's going on" he begged 

"I didn't want to say this yet because I'm still figuring things out but I think we should break up I just can't do this anymore" I said 

"Please no baby no I can't live without you whatever I've done I can fix it and I'm sorry just please don't break up with me" he said 

"It's nothing you've done it's just me" I said 

"Then what is it please tell me if you really want to do this at least tell me why" he said 

"I'm just not good enough for you every day there is new rumours of you being with someone else and all of them are prettier and have more going for them than I do and you deserve to be with one of them or to just be free to do what you want" I explained 

"But I want you that's what I want I don't want any of these girls nor is there anything going on with any other girl incase that's what you're thinking I like that you live a more normal life you keep me grounded and I think you are the prettiest girl in the world" Jude replied 

"Then why are you never home and why do you never compliment me anymore?" I asked 

"I-I'm sorry babe you're right I haven't been home much but I will change that I will come home after training and I will invite you to more things and believe me I could sit here for hours and compliment you and I'll do that if I need to" he said 

Jude did exactly what he said he started listing all the things he loves about me while giving me kisses. It felt so good to have his attention again it felt like we were back to how we were before I came to Madrid. After he complimented every single part of me he asked if I'd like to go out on a date like a proper date outside where people could see us and I didn't hesitate to say yes. Even if people see us who cares it's about time that we went public with our relationship then the rumours can be true for once. We have talked about going public a few times but now feels like the right time just so we can stop the media getting too far out of control 

I got all dressed up in a pretty dress and my makeup and hair all done for once I actually felt really pretty. When Jude walked in he had a white shirt and some black trousers on which he looked so good in. He stopped as soon as he saw me and I think his jaw actually hit the floor which made me blush and that was before he started complimenting me. The entire drive Jude didn't stop telling me how beautiful I looked which honestly made me feel so good about myself. 

At the restaurant there was people taking pictures of us walking in which Jude tried to protect me from a bit but we wanted to be seen together. It was weird being in front of so many cameras as I've spent years trying to avoid all of this but now I'm happily letting them all take pictures and stare at me trying to work out who I am so they can get their exclusive headline. The people in the restaurant were lovely though they showed us to our table then left us alone as much as possible which was nice as we were able to have a proper date night together. As we finished dessert Jude showed me all the pictures all over Instagram and Twitter then he showed me a post he had drafted to tell everyone about our relationship and put an end to everything. He had a beautiful caption written which nearly made me cry and all the pictures he had I hadn't seen before as they were ones he took secretly but they were all so cute. He let me click post so that it was my decision to go public then he took my phone and turned it off so we could enjoy the rest of our evening together without having to see what everyone has to say.

[barghest-land]

i love all kind of paleoart: realistic, stylized, abstract, etc.; but for some reason i keep judging my own art too much. i feel very free in art in general, meaning free to experiment, try different styles, colors, etc., but with paleo i fail to do so. somehow i'm still afraid to make mistakes, even tho i draw a lot of it. i'm not really into reading a Lot of papers, articles and stuff, half of it i can't understand anyway and i get frustrated. even tho i try not to. i just love drawing long gone creatures. i love the bittersweet feeling that i get while doing it. i wanna draw them just existing, not "wow 2 biggest dinos ever fighting each other woah blood bath claws teeth big roar" (it's fine too just.. u know... yeah) because it's cool enough to just exist. i also actually think mistakes are a part of paleoart, because there's a lot that's been discovered daily and things get updated.. it's not even mistakes, it's just how things are. also mistakes are good cuz u can learn from it. but DAMN is it hard to fit there... part oh my heart wants recognition, and another part says i'm not educated enough to do any paleoart at all, cuz it's a part of science, and i actually don't know much of it. it's hard to do when there's a little worm in my brain telling me things about something i love. it's also past 3am maybe i shouldn't be up thinking thoughts at that time. but i really don't want to be scared to post any paleoart anywhere

[kywaslost]

Can you do an x reader with a fem! s/o who has past trauma with men? Maybe suicidal tendencies? Any character is fine sorry for the sensitive topic feel free to delete

You Don’t Have To Be Afraid Of Me - Bakugou

A/N: I absolutely can write this for you! I hope this is a character you know, seeing as you didn’t specify any character or fandom. I originally was going to write this with Shinsou but I see him as more of a platonic type of comfort, like how I write Hawks, so I went with Bakugou. If you’d like a different character please feel free to let me know and I’ll rewrite this as soon as I can! And if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m always around :)

Warnings: sh scars, suicidal tendencies

Bakugou Katsuki was a strange man. He had a select few friends that he hung out with, and an even smaller group of friends that he treated as if they were actual human beings. To him, everyone was just an ‘extra’, hence their nickname.But there was one person who didn’t fit into any of these categories, and that was you.

You were one of the quietest people Katsuki had ever met. You didn’t speak to many of the guys in 1-A and even still you never really made conversation with the girls. You weren’t seen at after-school events such as class movie night or shopping trips the girls wanted to go to. But things used to never be this way. When you first joined UA you were one of the liveliest kids in the class. You liked to train with the boys but gossip with the girls. But then fall break came and went, and things changed.

Katsuki was an observant boy, everyone knew that. He may not voice many of his observations but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t take note of them. He noticed your change in behavior, how you avoided many of the guys in class. How you’d spend a lot of time in your room. How you’d sneak off to the roof and sit on the edge at night. But maybe the most important things about you he noticed were the scars…

He decided to follow you up to the roof one night to see what you did up there. Katsuki managed to catch the door before it closed all the way, sliding through it and softly closing it behind him. The cold night air hit him in the face and he shivered. Winter was here now and a thin layer of frost coated the rooftop. Thankfully he wore a sweatshirt, but you hadn’t. You were sitting on the edge of the rooftop in shorts and a t-shirt. He could see bandages making their way up your arms.

“Oi,” he called. “What are you doing up here?” His voice caught you off guard and you jumped. The rooftop of 1-A’s dorm building wasn’t too terribly large, allowing Katsuki to cross it quickly to wrap his arms around your waist, pulling you away from the edge of the building. “You shouldn’t be sitting so close to the edge, dummy.”

“It’s fine Bakugou.” Your voice was soft, quiet. You tried to push him away but there was no energy behind your movements. “You can go now. It’s past your bedtime anyway.”

Bakugou raised a confused eyebrow. “Y/N, it’s freezing out here. You need to go inside.”

You scooted further away from the boy, shaking your head. “No. I’m ok.”

You were avoiding his eyes. Were you afraid of him? Katsuki knew he was sometimes seen as intimidating, but he wasn’t ever mean to you. Quite frankly, he was nicer to you than anyone else he knew. He wasn’t 100% sure why, but he knew he felt protective over you.

“You can talk to me, you know?” He took a seat a few feet away from you, giving you space. His feet dangled over the edge of the building. He could feel the icy chill of the air flow up his pant legs. He shivered again. “It may help.”

He saw you shiver out of the corner of his eye. Sliding his hands through the sleeves of his sweatshirt, he pulled it off of his form and tossed it to you. “If you won’t talk, at least put this on.”

There was a long period of silence after you put on the article of clothing. Katsuki smiled slightly when he saw the way you pulled the ends of his sleeves over your hands to keep them warm. But eventually it grew too cold for Bakugou, and he was beginning to get tired. So he said, “I don’t want to leave you up here alone. I’ve,” he let out a deep sigh, watching as his breath melted into the air. “I’ve seen your scars.” He heard your breath hitch. “And I’ve noticed how you’ve changed over fall break. I don’t know what happened, and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But I’m here if you need someone to talk to.” He swung his legs over the edge of the roof and planted them on the cold ground below. “Goodnight, Y/N. You know where to find me if you need me.”

You didn’t show up to school the next day. When Bakugou asked around, no one seemed to know where you were. So once lunch ended, Bakugou hightailed it back to the dorms. His heart raced as he climbed the stairs up to the fourth floor where your room was located, deeming it faster than taking the elevator.

“Y/N, you in there?” Bakugou called as he knocked on your door. “Please tell me you’re in there.” He was met with silence. “Come on Y/N, I need to know you’re safe in there.” When there was still no answer Bakugou took matters into his own hands. He sighed, then said, “I’m coming in, alright? I’m just here to check on you. “ His warm hands took in the coolness of your door handle, twisting it and slowly pushing in your door. “Y/N?”

When he opened the door wide enough to fit through, he slipped into your dark bedroom. He flicked the lights on, afraid of what he might see. As he looked around, he let out a sigh of relief. “There you are.” He stepped closer to your form, which was curled up in a ball on your bed. He slowly sat down beside you. “Hey, are you alright?”

Your puffy eyes met his. “Go away, Bakugou.”

Katsuki could tell how long you’d been crying based on the raspiness of your voice. His red eyes furrowed. “No.” His voice was stern. “I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone right now, so please. Just talk to me.”

“Get out.” Your voice was stronger now and your e/c eyes met his red ones. “Now!” You threw something at the body, and he flinched as it hit him in the side of the head.

“Ow!” he growled, looking down to see what hit him. A bottle of pills rolled across the floor by his feet. Painkillers. He bent down to pick up the bottle.

“Get out, Bakugou!” You were sitting up now, shoving the boy off of your bed. “Leave me alone!” Tears streamed down your face as Bakugou fell to the ground. He grunted, pushing himself up off of the ground.

“No.” He tried to grab you, pull you in for a hug, but you pushed him away. You tried multiple times to hit him or push him away from you but he grabbed your arms and held you tightly against him. “I’m staying. You need someone right now. I’m staying.” Bakugou lowered himself abc down on the bed, keeping you against him as you sobbed your heart out. All Katsuki knew to do was be there for you, to let you let it out. He’d confront you about the pills later.

It was late into the night. When Katsuki first woke up, it had to have been around 2:30 in the morning. He wasn’t sure why he was awake at first, but then he heard it. A soft knock on his door. He quickly jumped to his feet, stumbling over his blanket as he neared the door. He turned the handle and cracked the door, peeking around the corner.

There you stood, clad in the hoodie he gave you a few nights ago, as well as a pair of f/c sweats. Your arms were crossed, head hung low. That is, until you heard the door open. Your e/c eyes begged Bakugou to let you in, and he did.

“Hey.” His voice was rough with sleep. “C’mere.” The door closed behind you.

“Leave the lights off,” your voice, on the other hand, was soft. “Please.”

“Ok.”There was a moment of silence before Bakugou spoke again. “Would you like to sit down on the bed?”

“Sure.” Your hand reached out in the darkness, landing on Bakugou’s bicep. He gently led you over to sit next to him on the bed.

“What’s the matter?” His voice was so uncharacteristically gentle.

“I need to talk.” Katsuki could hear you sigh.

“I’m here to listen.”

“I know, that’s why I’m here.” You took a moment to think. “Why are you being so nice to me?”

It was Bakugou’s turn to sigh. “Because you’ve changed. Something happened to you over fall break, and it’s hurt you. I don’t know how to help, but I do know that you need someone right now. I’ve seen your scars. I’ve seen your actions. You’re acting carelessly, as if it doesn’t matter whether or not you’re hurt, or worse. Someone needs to be there for you. Why can’t it be me?” Bakugou shifted to hold you, pulling you against his chest as he leaned back and rested against the wall at the head of his bed. You didn’t put up a fight this time. “What happened to you, Y/N?”

Bakugou felt you release a shaky breath. “It was my dad.” Bakugou began running a hand up and down your back as a sign to continue. “I… I kinda have some trauma because of him. He wasn’t really a good man when I was growing up. But then I got out of the house and moved here to the USA, and I thought I’d overcome it. Then I went home and quickly realized I in fact hadn’t gotten over it. I have a hard time being around guys sometimes because of him.”

“Oh.” Bakugou’s reaction was quiet. “I’m so sorry Y/N.”

You shrugged. “That’s why I kept pushing you away. But you kept fighting and well, here I am.” You paused. “You stopped me. Both times you came to see me, you stopped me from doing things I probably shouldn’t do. Thank you.”

Without thinking, Bakugou pressed a kiss to the top of your head. It was quick and featherlight but it meant the world to you.

“Anytime Y/N. When you need me, I’ll be there. No matter where or when, I’ll be there.”

[queenlua]

ugh religion/politics venting

* today i read the latest in the depressingly long series of incidents in the saga of, "the Southern Baptist Convention simping for the goddamn child molesters/enablers in their own church." i know i'm phrasing that in the maximally inflammatory way; i don't care. it's not like there's a whole fucking gross awful history here or anything

anyway i have felt bizarrely emotional about it, for someone who left that church over a decade ago and has no strong attachment to it otherwise. i guess it's like, i read that article and thought to myself "jfc, where are people even going nowadays, like, if your church's senior leadership sucks that much you gotta leave, right." and i was sort of tempted to call up some of my old church-y friends and ask "ok where are you going now," but... (1) hahaha a lot of my church-y friends left all churches whatsoever a long time ago, and (2) the ones who remain, like, i'm not close enough to them to ask, right? if i called them and randomly asked them intrusive questions about their Religious Organization Feelings, they would peg me as the obnoxious chick who left to go become a coastal liberal elite and now is being a dick to them. and i mean i wouldn't be trying to be a dick but i would be being awfully nosy and presumptuous, right

anyway, my wondering about that sent me down a whole rabbithole of "which congregations are actually growing in the US nowadays anyway," and while it's gratifying to see that the SBC shrinking, i don't exactly love the growth of pentecostalism in its place, right, seeing as "pentecostal brainworms" is at least partially responsible for like 50% of my trans friends getting kicked to the fucking curb by their parents the second they Deviated From The Script. so, y'know, fuck that

i did learn that the "free will baptist" denomination skews surprisingly young and, wow, what a kickass name for a denomination. i know nothing else about them but i hope they're as cool as the image in my head

...anyway, all that idle research didn't really do much to assuage how fucking weirdly furious i am over the SBC. like, i sincerely think the SBC mostly sucks and hasn't been redeemable pretty much ever, but it was also a cultural juggernaut in my youth, and one sort of hopes one's cultural juggernauts might find some way to reform into something humane, or at least fade away with grace. it's somehow secondhand humiliating and depressing to see it devolve into what i knew was always there at its core: gross old men power-tripping and protecting their own and never never never coming down on the side of anything that felt good and right in my heart of hearts

* unrelated but since i'm being unvirtuous and Politicsing On Main anyway:

every goddamn thing i've read out of netanyahu's mouth makes me want to punch his stupid face in until his skin is paste and the paste is mush and the mush is fine little bits of organic matter to feed the soil. and still the dude will not have suffered enough. not to be former-southern-baptist or anything but: i hope keeping your precious status & deliberately inflaming the most brainpoisoned rightoids in your nation & all that other shit is worth the fires of hell that await you after buddy!!!!

i don't have a Sophisticated Take on the israel/gaza stuff, but. at the end of the day i have cultivated a caveman's sense of morality, as a reaction to my tendency to over-intellectualize, and that caveman's sense of morality imo has served me pretty well, for instance: when The Big Guy is beating the everloving shit out of The Small Guy, the thing that is happening is fucked and i don't care who started it, it's gotta stop well before, i dunno, "bombing the shit out of a bunch of kids" for fucking starters. this works for an awful lot of Big Guy vs Small Guy scenarios. try it sometime

(i hate that i even remotely feel the urge to caveat it this way but to be clear: bibi & his homicidal campaign != judaism. judsaism rules, antisemitism is bullshit. but no more fucking more kids dying in a stupid campaign, ceasefirenow etc)

[hiiragi7]

A lot of you have such a black-and-white worldview that you take anyone else's experiences as a direct attack on your own.

No, a DID diagnosis is not inherently a death sentence - But to say that a DID diagnosis cannot ever affect your ability to adopt, get accepted for a job, or anything else is false.

Yes, even if it's illegal to discriminate against someone on the basis of a disability. It happens anyway.

I have been seeing a lot of people saying "I just don't tell them I have DID and it's fine" - Have you ever considered not all of us are functional enough to have the choice to hide it like that?

I do not have direct personal experience with DID specifically affecting my ability to get work or adopt or get into a good school, because I was diagnosed as an adult and have never been employed or interested in adoption - I am too sick to even leave my bed most days.

I do, however, have direct experience with systemic discrimination on the basis of having an autism diagnosis since the age of 6.

Certain schools would not accept us or would make us move schools because they saw autism and did not want to deal with "a kid like that". Our very first school kept suspending us and sending us home and punishing us and refusing to follow our learning plan and eventually just told our parents to move us elsewhere. This was first grade.

Growing up, our autism diagnosis was what justified abuse, which they called "treatment".

It was also used as a tool to question our ability to do things, communicate, and know what we want.

Our autism diagnosis generally either meant we could not possibly make our own decisions or it was played up for the entertainment and feel-good of neurotypicals.

We ended up in news articles and events occasionally as a little kid. They all focused on our autism. Do you know what a big deal it is to neurotypicals when a kid "like that" can deliver a speech to hundreds of people? You end up being the talk of everyone, you're an inspiring story for "overcoming" this "disease" they called autism.

And yet they still will be cautious accepting you into whatever school you wanted to go to because they doubt your abilities and believe your parents must have faked your writing to sound as cohesive and well-written as it did when you applied. We were gifted in english. But we were autistic.

And then they turn around again and use you as good PR.

Your first introduction anywhere you go is "This is X, they have autism!"

"Look at what good people we are for accepting such a child into our program!"

And then they turn around again and mistreat you for that very thing they will publicly brag about.

They will also see your diagnosis and want to use you for free or reduced labor cost. I do not remember anything about this relating to us, but kmow for a fact this did happen to many of our fellow SPED kids in highschool - They'd have programs to employ autistic youth where they paid you solely in "work experience" and "social skills".

You do not get paid - You get "to learn life skills".

I also know of many programs where, while they technically pay you, they make use of disability laws that allow them to pay disabled people less than minimum wage. "They're all living with their parents anyway because they can't live on their own, so it's basically just like an allowance."

Even moving away from us for a moment, we have known people personally who had their ability to parent their child questioned in court because they had one or more mental health diagnoses on their papers.

Do you see what I'm getting at yet?

No, a DID diagnosis does not automatically mean you will be discriminated against on a systemic level and outcast from society - But to say it is not possible at all is to ignore a very massive and glaring ableism issue that is a very real lived reality for many, many people with DID and other disabilities.

It is not "misinformation", it is often not even "fear-mongering" to point this out.

We live in a shitty world - To tell someone with worries of getting a DID diagnosis that "That won't happen, don't worry!" in regards to discrimination is incredibly misleading.

No, do not say that an official DID diagnosis is some kind of monster that forever seals your fate as to how you'll be treated within society and that nobody should ever get diagnosed unless they plan to stay in an institution for the rest of their life or whatever. That's stupid.

But for the love of god please stop telling people that they will not be discriminated against just because you haven't been. You are brushing the experiences of the rest of us under the rug in doing this.

[liberalfartsdegree]

Apart from this excellent article by Maia Hibbet from The Baffler (link to JSTOR), have any of you fine people run into interesting writing on the rise of neo-temperance movements in the US? Particularly among queer people? The anti-alcohol culture (though, interestingly, far less anti-other drugs?) turn in queer discourse--which articulates itself as a turn against queer places, like gay bars--is super interesting. People online have chalked it up to a generational divide, especially attributing it to young people who came of drinking age (socially, less so than legally) during the Pandemic, but I'm not sure that's it.

Hibbet argues that there are a number of "carceral" strains (though she underscores that "carceral feminism" isn't a sub-category of feminism but is rather a way of naming that feminism already works) in contemporary mainstream discourse, particularly following the MeToo movement. Her analysis points to a really keen insight, I think, that the MeToo movement became reactionary (even though it didn't originate there) as mainstream feminist movements often do. She points out that governmentality and other kinds of performing self-surveillance are part of this [carceral] feminist aesthetic/politic.

HOWEVER I'm still really interested in the rapid emergence of temperance movements in queer spaces, which often OPPOSE themselves to mainstream feminist discourses. Just anecdotally, some of the most vocal people speaking against the gay bar are the ones performing a kind of queerness most openly--punk/goth looking people who are cultivating gender non-conformity. I've noticed a lot of overlaps with "accessibility discourses"--with the caveat that the people citing "the gay bar" as an inaccessible space often do so from a point of personal distaste.*

SO ANYWAY--has anyone written about this? It's not my field but I'm desperately curious. I run a lecture series and we get some complaints because it's hosted in the back room of a bar (the lecture is free, no one is required to buy a drink, and the bar has NA options). About 50% of the complaints are from christian colleagues with children, the other 50% are from young queer people who are mad that our series isn't somewhere "sub free."

Gay people in my computer, what gives?

*Perhaps this isn't fair on my part. In my VERY LIMITED experience, it seems like it's a lot of white trans people who are concurrently very vocal about neurodivergence who are at the forefront of this kind of temperance movement. This is curious to me--in my mind, punk, goth, and trans subcultures share a kind of anarchic "you do you" attitude with respect to alcohol and other substances, not a prohibitive [carceral?] approach. The overlap with accessibility discourse here that I've seen is that alcohol makes spaces inaccessible for people who don't drink--it comes to mean that these spaces are loud, smelly (this comes up surprisingly often, as someone with a lot of smell sensitivities!), and also bad for sober/recovering people. BUT ALSO none of the people saying this talk about themselves as being in recovery/sober--the sober queer is this discursive figure--this generation's "bi-curious straight girl at the gay bar making out for attention." Are these just people to get mad at, except queer discourse now is so sanitized that we can't get mad at people so instead we sublimate that urge into babying them?

[boriqidi]

Good Date Tips

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The last involving my date techniques for you my friend should be to make eye communicate with on your date. Helping to make eye contact is just about the most important tips someone would give to most people is to make eye ball contact. Looking into someone else's eyes reveals a whole lot about a person and additionally complementing them on the website eyes is always a thing to do.

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The first date is going to be an interview, excrete that and you possess girl my friend. Your names Simon Anderson and like you, We was after day tips and following answer of just what do women look for attractive in fellas. I have a weblog set up dedicated to getting advice when it comes to gals. No I'm never no love community i just know a lot of stuff. Anyways we invite you to consider my blog along with leave comments and so on Also mail myself and I will be allowed to send you a few free stuff thank you.

[metalsiren-a]

[ MENDED ]  for receiver to treat sender’s wound which leads to them having to remove an article of clothing resulting in revealing scars hidden beneath

𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐌𝐄 𝐆𝐎 👀. // @inkfng

𝐈𝐓  𝐖𝐀𝐒  𝐓𝐇𝐄  𝐋𝐄𝐀𝐒𝐓  𝐒𝐇𝐄  𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐋𝐃  𝐃𝐎.  offer  her  home  to  him  for  the  night  to  rest  and  recouperate.  let  him  take  a  breath  before  he  went  off  to  do  whatever  werewolves  did.  it  was  all  still  so  new  to  her,  the  secret,  underground  world  of  what  he'd  explained  as  'supes';  vampires,  werewolves,  sirens  —  all  of  them  were  real.  at  first,  she  didn't  believe  him,  laughing  him  off  and  complimenting  him  on  just  how  convincing  his  delivery  had  been.  when  his  face  didn't  shift  from  that  very  serious  expression,  sawyer's  faded  into  it,  eyes  wide  with  disbelief.  even  still,  she  took  it  with  a  grain  of  salt;  not  letting  his  words  fully  sink  in,  not  letting  them  register  fully.  

until  just  now.

the  way  his  nails  had  turned  to  claws,  how  his  eyes  glowed,  his  teeth  sharpened  to  fangs.  sawyer  didn't  know  how  to  take  what  she  had  seen,  if  she  was  hallucinating  or  maybe  just  her  mind  playing  tricks  on  her.  it  must  have  been  shock,  she  told  herself,  it  couldn't  be  real.

that  would  have  been  easier  to  convince  herself  of  if  the  people  who  had  been  stalking  her  didn't  do  the  exact  same  thing;  hackles  raised  and  lips  curled  into  an  animalistic  snarl.  sawyer  didn't  even  have  time  to  react,  immediately  pulled  behind  kerr's  towering  frame  as  a  shield.  taking  a  step  back,  the  small  woman  felt  like  an  ant  amongst  giants,  watching  as  the  fight  finally  broke  out.  there  was  no  stopping  the  way  she  shrieked,  how  her  hands  lifted  to  cover  her  mouth  out  of  instinct,  having  never  been  exposed  to  such  violence,  especially  when  it  was  paired  with  noises  that  were  not  human  in  the  slightest.    

though  it  was  short,  kerr  coming  out  the  victor,  sawyer  could  tell  that  one  of  them  managed  to  lay  a  hand  on  him.  yeah,  he  said  he  was  fine.  that  it  wasn't  a  big  deal,  but  sawyer  wasn't  about  to  let  that  slide,  instead  offering  him  to  come  up  to  her  apartment  so  she  could  at  least  take  a  look  at  it;  the  whole  thing  was  partially  her  fault  anyways.

❛  just  wait  here.  ❜

a  sad  attempt  at  sounding  authoritative,  sawyer  walked  towards  her  kitchen,  while  leaving  kerr  to  get  comfortable  in  her  living  room.  grabbing  the  hydrogen  peroxide,  some  cotton  pads  and  gauze,  she  wasn't  a  medic  by  any  means,  but  she  knew  how  to  dress  what  she  hoped  was  a  minor  wound.  walking  back,  her  voice  became  slightly  frantic,  still  in  shock  from  everything  that  had  just  happened,  ❛  okay.  i  -  i  got  some  stuff  to  help.  ❜  in  all  honesty,  if  she  were  of  any  more  sound  mind,  she'd  give  herself  props  for  not  crying;  it  all  was  a  lot.

taking  a  seat  on  the  couch  beside  him,  the  blood  that  seeped  from  his  back  in  three  long  clawed  strokes  began  to  soak  his  shirt,  ❛  uhm,  can  i?  ❜  the  question  was  posed  gently,  only  pulling  the  already  basically  undone  shirt  from  kerr's  shoulders.  almost  immeidately,  she  could  see  them.  scars.  they  littered  over  the  spread  of  his  broad  back  and  sawyer's  expression  fell  one  into  concern,  ❛  this  might  ...  sting  a  little  ...    ❜  

there  it  was.  that  familiar  quiver  in  her  throat  as  she  dabbed  some  peroxide  on  the  cotton  pad  and  delicately  ran  it  over  the  wound,  trying  to  make  it  as  tolerable  for  him  as  possible.  all  the  while,  hazel  hues  scanned  over  his  scars,  biting  her  lower  lip  as  her  free  hand  ran  out  to  ghost  her  fingers  over  the  already  healed  wounds,  gnarled  and  risen  off  his  skin,  ❛  where'd  you  get  these?  ❜  a  sniffle  followed,  swallowing  back  her  tears  as  she  finished  cleaning  off  the  fresh  wound  and  moving  to  prep  it  with  gauze.  

[greysgenius]

Best free memory monitor

#Best free memory monitor how to

#Best free memory monitor update

#Best free memory monitor full

You can see that number with the performance counter. But I suggest to actively monitor for that number every once in a while, and if the rate rises then you probably added some very bad behavior. I can’t put a magic number on how many Gen 2 collections you should have. They effectually freeze all threads of the application while the GC collects everything.

#Best free memory monitor full

Consider that those are full memory heap collections. The objective is to have as few of them as possible. Other than % Time in GC, the other big metric you should monitor is the number of Gen 2 collections. 20% time in GC is borderline, and anything more means you have a problem. For a big application, 10% time in GC is probably a healthy percentage. I’m going to give you some magic numbers but take these with a grain of salt because everything has its own context. NET to measure Memory, CPU, and Everything. To find out more, check out my article Use Performance Counters in. There are many tools to look at performance counters. That’s going to show which percent of the execution time is used by the garbage collector. If you want to find out just how much garbage collections hurt the execution time, it’s pretty easy to do. So in this case, instead of creating a new Pizza object, you would change the state of the existing object. Let’s say that every 5 minutes you have to invalidate the cache and re-query the database in case the details changed. Like those frozen pizzas that cause high blood pressure. You have a cache mechanism that stores prices and data for frequently queried items. Let’s say you’re caching stock items from your online grocery store. Which will mean less work for the GC promoting objects and initiating more Gen 0 and Gen 1 collection.

#Best free memory monitor update

That means that instead of replacing a cache object, you would update an existing object. One way to relieve some of that memory pressure is by using mutable cache objects. While that’s bad for GC pressure, it’s usually worth the price because caching can really help performance. Those are long-lived temporary objects that are probably going to be promoted to Gen 2. Mechanisms like caching are troublesome by definition. That’s fine, they’re usually going to be services that don’t consume a lot of memory anyway. Some objects, like singletons, have to be in memory forever.

#Best free memory monitor how to

So how to have objects collected in a low generation? Simple, just make sure they aren’t referenced as quickly as possible. The only thing you need to worry about is the collections. This leads to memory pressure (aka GC Pressure) and poor performance.īy the way, the allocations of new objects are extremely cheap. But if you have many objects that get promoted to a higher generation then you’ll have the reverse effect. The GC is optimized to have many Gen 0 collections, fewer Gen 1 collections, and very few Gen 2 collections. Gen 2 collections include the entire memory space including the Large Object Heap (LOH). Gen 1 collections go over both Gen 0 memory space and Gen 1 memory space and they are more expensive. Gen 0 collections are the most frequent and are very fast. If they’re still referenced when there’s a Gen 1 collection, they are promoted to Gen 2. If they’re still referenced when there’s a Gen 0 collection, they are promoted to Gen 1. When objects are created with the new clause, they are created on the heap in Generation 0. To understand why it’s important, you need to understand. To make your program work fast, the prime objective is to have objects collected as soon as possible. Objects should be collected as fast as possible You’ll also see best practices to optimize garbage collections and make your application very fast. We’ll go over 6 best practices to keep memory healthy and to detect a problem if it occurs. How do you know if you have healthy memory usage? And what do you need to do to keep it healthy? That’s exactly what this article is about. In this post, you’ll see how to keep our application’s blood pressure at healthy levels. NET program, that serious problem can be high memory consumption, major performance issues, and outright crashes. You can eat junk food for a long time ignoring it until one day you face a serious problem. NET application are a silent killer of sorts.

[yoongiseesawmp3]

smile for the camera - wooyoung

i am down BAD for wooyoung after seeing him at the atlanta concert. he’s so cute y’all. and his new osos is up on youtube go watch it :-)

summary: youtuber!wooyoung x reader. wooyoung is best friends with your brother, yeosang, so you get to see him a lot. that would be fine if you weren’t totally head over heels in love with him. now yeosang is onto you and you have to keep him from running his big mouth to wooyoung about your big fat crush.

warnings: nothin but some fluff! this is pretty unedited too so sorry

word count: 5.7k

you love your brother, sure, but do you really like him?

that’s questionable. 

having a brother just a year younger than you is good in a lot of ways because you’ve been through a lot of similar stuff at the same time, so you’ve always had someone to lean on in yeosang. he’s your eternal buddy whether you like it or not, and right now, you don’t like it. because he’s still your little brother, and little brothers are fucking annoying. 

how is he annoying you today? well, you know how sometimes it’s easier to focus if you’re around someone else being productive? he thought that would help him finish his econ paper, so he came into your room and he’s been sitting at the end of your bed and typing too loud for the past twenty minutes. in all honesty, when your parents first suggested you share an apartment with your brother while you both go to university it didn’t sound like a bad idea. you were two years ahead of yeosang thanks to age and some ap credits, so the living arrangement wouldn’t last for long, and your parents didn’t really give you a choice.

oh how you wish you’d fought harder for that studio apartment.

now yeosang is breathing too loud and he won’t stop typing and you can’t focus and you’re about to scream from annoyance and stress. you shove him with your foot to get his attention and he just nods to acknowledge he’s listening.

“why don’t you go study at wooyoung’s?” you suggest kindly, masking perfectly how badly yeo is getting on your nerves.

“i’m bothering you that bad?” he asks with a laugh. he checks his phone and shrugs. “yeah, i guess i could. he should be off work now.”

“i didn’t know the free spirit known to the earth as jung wooyoung was capable of keeping a job,” you tease as yeosang collects his things.

“he’s working on a film set, i think,” yeosang explains. “so just the right kind of thing to pique his interest and make him get out of bed on time every day.”

“sounds thrilling,” you say, eyes scanning your laptop screen to find where you’re at in this article. “tell him i say hi.”

“will do,” yeo waves, leaving your room and pulling the door closed just enough to leave it cracked. 

-

so, about wooyoung. 

he’s been friends with your brother for about eight years now, which means he’s been making your heart flutter for...about eight years now. it started off as an innocent crush, just getting a little nervous around your brother’s cute friend that always paid too much attention to you. but now it’s full blown feelings on your end, and you have no clue what to do about it. it hasn’t stopped you from dating, trying to get your mind off of what’s seemingly prohibited. you have no clue if wooyoung feels the same way, because nothing has happened for eight years but he’s probably the most flirtatious man on the planet so it’s hard to tell what could be a potential move or just his natural state.

plus, you never spend time alone with wooyoung so it’s kinda hard to catch a vibe with your brother hanging around. you definitely wouldn’t make a move in front of yeosang, so maybe wooyoung is doing the same.

or maybe you’re just down too deep and you’ve let your wishful thinking trick you into taking all of wooyoung’s niceties as flirting. anyway, nothing will happen. 

it’s your brother’s best friend. nothing can happen, right?

-

it’s been a couple hours since yeo left and you’ve been able to finish your research and do all of the laundry you’ve been putting off, so you’re pouring yourself a glass of wine when you get a phone call.

it’s wooyoung, which is weird. he never calls you, all of your communication is done through yeosang or other mutual friends, so why is he calling you now, out of the blue?

“uh, hello?”

“y/n?” wooyoung asks, sounding confused.

“yeah?”

“why do you sound like that?”

“like what?”

“like everything sentence you say ends with a question mark,” he explains, and you have to laugh a little.

“well i’m not used to you calling me, so i was a little confused, and maybe worried that something was wrong,” you tell him, and he lets out an “ahh” on the other side. 

“nothing to worry about here, y/n,” he says proudly. “yeosang was just telling me you’re sitting at home alone and we’re about to get food. you want to come with? he said you’re probably doing something lame like laundry.”

“hey, i finished the laundry hours ago,” you say in your defense. “now i’m having a glass of wine.”

“how sexy, laundry and alcoholism,” wooyoung laughs.

“i’m hanging up-”

“no! come get food with us,” wooyoung rushes out. “please?”

“...who’s paying?”

“oldest?” wooyoung teases, and you hear the smirk in his voice.

“so we all get our own, got it,” you counter, and he laughs. it’s not his high pitched elmo laugh that you wish you could bottle up and save to cheer you up on bad days, but it’s still precious. 

“so you’ll come with us? we’re almost there, yeosang forgot his wallet,” wooyoung explains. “that’s why i called you and not him, he’s driving.”

“ah.”

“but y/n?”

“yeah?”

“i can call you more often if you want me to.”

“how about you call me when you get here?” you deflect, head whirring at the flirtatious tone in his voice. 

“will do,” he says. and, before you hang up, he adds, “wear something pretty for me~!” 

and now you’re scrambling to find something to make yourself presentable. thanks wooyoung. you settle on some comfy pants that aren’t sweats but feel like they are, and then a sweater with your favorite jean jacket. it’s one that your dad gave you a few months ago, just because, and yeosang loathes you for it. he wanted it so bad, kept asking for it, and dad just gave it to you? anyway. you’re wearing it to piss him off, and it works. 

you grabbed his wallet for him, because you know that’s the only reason you’ve been invited. yeosang rolls his eyes when he sees you walking up in that jacket, and he thinks about not unlocking the doors. but then he remembers you have his wallet, and that could mean trouble. 

“get in the back,” he says coldly as you reach the car.

“hello to you too, brother dearest,” you say as you open the door. you slide into the backseat and see wooyoung twisted around in the front so that he can stare at you with that cheshire cat grin of his. you smile back shyly and say, “hi wooyoung.”

“hi wooyoung?” he repeats, smile falling slightly. “i don’t get a cute nickname?”

“no,” yeosang answers for you. “that would make me vomit, i think.”

“oh get over yourself,” wooyoung groans, turning his attention to his friend. “you don’t let me have any fun.”

“i’m the most fun person you know, wooyoung,” yeosang deadpans. 

“yeah, you really sound like it,” you chime in, and wooyoung chuckles. 

“what are we gonna do with this kid, y/n?” wooyoung asks, turning back to face you. “oh, you look cute.”

“uh, thanks?” you reply, trying to sound natural despite your heartbeat increasing by 200 percent. thankfully wooyoung’s attention is somewhere else again, this time he’s looking through the bag at his feet while he mumbles something you can’t hear. 

“ah! found it,” he exclaims, turning to you again but holding up a camera. “do you mind if i film you for my vlog?” 

“your...what?”

“wooyoung thinks he’s gonna be the next member of the hype house,” yeosang explains, which earns him a shove from wooyoung that has the car swerving in a terrifying way. you and wooyoung both make obnoxious sounds of alarm that yeosang laughs out loud at, and he apologizes but doesn’t put his heart into it. 

“i don’t think that,” wooyoung tells you. “i wouldn’t be that primitive with my craft.”

“oo, big word,” you joke, and wooyoung smiles. “what do i have to do?”

“just be you,” he says with a soft smile, turning the camera on. “i’ve been doing a lot of exciting things lately, so i want to document my life while all that happens.”

“me sitting in the car isn’t exciting, wooyoung.”

“yeah, but me being here with you is,” he replies as he points the lens in your direction. “wave to the people.”

“the people being me and your mom?” yeosang asks.

“fuck you, my brother watches too,” wooyoung cuts back as you do what he asked. you smile and wave sheepishly at the camera, brushing some hair out of your eyes after. he keeps the camera focused on you, and you make a questioning look toward the devilishly handsome camera man. he pulls a funny face in return and you laugh out, but wooyoung doesn’t point the camera away and it’s starting to get awkward.

“wooyoung you better not be zooming in super close to my face right now,” you warn him.

“shh, i’m capturing your essence,” he replies. you’re at a stop light and yeosang cranes his neck to look at the camera screen.

“he’s zoomed in on that zit on your forehead,” yeosang says, and you start yelling at wooyoung to put the camera down. “hey, hey! no fighting. we’re here. get out and be quiet.”

“you’re not my mom,” you and wooyoung say in unison, and yeosang groans.

“why did i invite either of you again??” yeosang asks incredulously while you all shuffle out of the car, wooyoung with camera in hand and pointed at the flickering sign for the restaurant. he swivels in yeosang’s direction as he answers.

“because you love us,” he says, pulling you into his side as he turns the camera toward the both of you. “isn’t that right y/n?”

“legally the answer is yes,” you reply. “but i don’t think he likes me.”

“correct!” yeosang shouts from a few feet ahead. “now wooyoung please put that away. you’re wasting time that could be spent eating waffles.”

-

missing wooyoung is a strange feeling. for one, you don’t want to be in love with him because you know he doesn’t feel anything back, so when you miss him it’s a lot of internal arguments with yourself over how silly you’re being. the other reason it’s weird is because he’s not technically your friend, so you can’t just call him to hang out every time you want to see his cute little face. but you certainly can’t ask yeosang to initiate anything because he would catch on.

actually....he already has. yeosang noticed last week while the three of you were eating that you were acting strange around wooyoung. first you dressed up to go to waffle house, which you never do. and then you were blushing every time wooyoung so much as breathed near you (which was all night) so yeosang took his context clues and inferred what was going on. shockingly, the thought of you and wooyoung together didn’t totally make his skin crawl, so he’s not sure how brotherly to be in this situation. while he figures that out, he knows it’ll be fun messing with you. 

especially since wooyoung told yeosang all about his big fat crush on you a couple weeks ago. since then, wooyoung had been searching for reasons for the three of you to hang out so he could be around you and try to convince yeosang he’s an appropriate match for his sister. yeosang is your brother after all, and despite how much he likes wooyoung, he still has to figure out his intentions with you before he can fully sign on. 

all that to say, yeosang’s about to have a lot of fun using this knowledge against you. and it starts with him inviting wooyoung over for a movie night without telling you. 

you were heading to the bathroom to take a shower so you could get your mind off of wooyoung, but yeosang beat you to it. and that kid takes forever in the bathroom. he’s always been hygienic enough, but since the internet introduced him to self love and skin care, he’s a menace in the bathroom. he could be in there for hours if he really wanted to, so now you’re just scrolling through your phone on the couch and praying that yeosang will hurry up. 

a few minutes into your deep dive of tiktok, you hear a knock at the door and groan. yeosang has an awful habit of ordering food and then getting in the shower so you’re left paying the tip, and you’re not in the mood for that tonight. you’re about to yell for your brother to get the door when your phone buzzes with a text. from wooyoung. what?

“let me in,” it says. then a second later, “it’s wooyoung btw.”

“i have your number saved, you imbecile,” you say loud enough for wooyoung to hear you through the door.

“well let me in then!!!” he shouts back, as you shuffle to the door and throw it open. wooyoung cracks a smile at your appearance, and you think he’s trying to repress a laugh “hey sexy.” 

you’re the opposite of that, actually. sweats with holes in them, a t shirt that’s so old it’s basically a family heirloom, and your hair is a mess. you also didn’t sleep last night, so you probably have bags under your eyes. but wooyoung meant what he said.

“hey kid,” you reply simply, opening the door wider for wooyoung to step inside. he’s got a bunch of grocery bags with him, and you notice his signature camera bag stowed amongst them too. 

“i’m a man, y/n,” he insists, hoisting the bags onto your kitchen table with a huff. “would a kid get groceries to make his best friend and his sister a five star meal for movie night?”

“movie night?” you question. “i didn’t know-”

“yeah, sorry y/n,” yeosang says, finally emerged from the bathroom. “wooyoung asked if we had plans tonight and i said no, so we decided we’re gonna binge all of us are dead.”

“and i’m gonna cook!” wooyoung adds happily. “i’ve a got a new recipe for you to try.”

“that’s really sweet of you, wooyoung,” you tell him, before turning to your brother. “that’s not a movie though. also thanks for hogging the bathroom.”

“you needed to shit while i was in there?” yeosang asks. “sorry.”

“god. no. i was gonna shower-”

“you don’t smell bad-”

“i’m going to my room,” you complain, honestly not in the mood for a movie night with your brother and certainly not physically or mentally prepared for a night around wooyoung. “have fun with your not a movie night.”

“no!” wooyoung shouts, catching you off guard. “i mean, uh, at least eat with us. you don’t have to stay for the movie part, but i bought enough for the three of us and you not eating will mess up the recipe.”

“nice recovery,” yeosang whispers. wooyoung almost straight up hisses at him in response but that would definitely raise some questions from you. instead he starts to unpack the groceries, and just seeing the ingredients has your mouth watering. 

“i’ll stay,” you agree, not needing much convincing once wooyoung starts rolling up his sleeves and moving around the kitchen with a purpose.

“great!” he says cheerily. “now help me. you’re on chopping duty.”

“hey,” you whine, but wooyoung stops you.

“this is a family effort,” he says. “yeosang, help with the meat.”

“would it be inappropriate to make a dick joke?” you ask, and they both respond yes. “alright then. who’s gonna put music on?”

“oh!” wooyoung exclaims, forgetting the ingredients in front of him. “i need my camera.”

“you’re vlogging again?” yeosang groans as he washes his hands. wooyoung shushes him while you push yeo out of the way to rinse the vegetables. you all fall into your different roles around the kitchen, wooyoung setting the camera up while you and yeosang prep. 

“yeo, i feel like we’ve been bamboozled,” you say after a minute or so.

“y/n, i quite agree,” he says. “wooyoung is a lazy chef. hasn’t touched a single thing, and we’re left doing all the work.”

“you’re so dramatic,” wooyoung laughs, suddenly at your side. “i’m working now, i had to get the camera angle right.”

“i don’t need help,” you try to protest as wooyoung scoots closer to you. you were chopping onions the way your mom taught you, which wasn’t perfect, but it kept your eyes from watering, so it was good enough.

“yeah, well, the way you’re cutting you’re gonna slice your finger off soon,” wooyoung scolds you, taking the knife from your hands. he shows you the proper way to slice before handing the knife back to you. but he’s not done, this time he places his hands on top of yours and guides you as you cut. “like this, see? you won’t get hurt this way.”

yeosang finishes with his assigned task and turns around to find the two of you basically recreating that scene from ghost, the way that wooyoung’s arms are wrapped around you and caging you in. yeosang thinks to himself that this is disgusting, seeing his sister and his best friend like this, but he also thinks it’s the tiniest little bit sweet, too. you’re both soo into each other, and you won’t ever know. this is gonna be a lot of fun for yeosang. 

-

dinner was delicious, obviously. wooyoung is an amazing chef, and that wasn’t the first time he coerced you and yeosang into making dinner with him. it was just the first time he got so, shall we say, fresh with you. the warmth of his arms around you made you feel almost tipsy throughout dinner, and it lowered your guard significantly. in fact, you’re on the couch now as all of us are dead plays in the background, and you’re sitting astonishingly close to wooyoung. yeosang kept his distance, off in the armchair by the window, but he didn’t expect the two of you to get so cozy so fast. maybe he won’t have to play invisible matchmaker for long. 

when wooyoung sat on the couch he had half a mind to just pull you into his lap and jumpstart the whole “what are we” convo, but he decided against it to respect yeosang. but as he sits next to you, not quite touching but close enough that a little shift would completely close the gap, wooyoung is trying to think of how he can make a move when you actually beat him to it. you scratched the side of your leg, laying your hand on the couch between you two after. you didn’t think anything of it, but wooyoung capitalized on the opportunity. he gently placed his hand next to yours and tapped your pinky. you look up at him, and he’s glancing down at your hands. your gaze follows and you see his hand palm up, invitation waiting. it’s subtle and wordless, but you understand what he wants and you tentatively place your hand in his, watching as he intertwines your fingers and gives your hand a good squeeze. you chance a look back up at him then, and he sends you a wink that has you dizzy. but then his attention is back on the tv. 

for all you care, the tv could be completely blank right now because there’s no way you’re paying attention to whatever’s on it. being this close to wooyoung in the first place had you distracted, and now your joined hands has you kinda sweaty? which is embarrassing. you hope wooyoung doesn’t notice. you’re busy thinking about sweat when a yawn breaks through your train of thought.

“man, i’m sorry,” yeosang yawns again. “i just can’t stay up. i think i’m calling it a night.”

he slowly stands, but his movement makes you jerk your hand away from wooyoung, and he wants to whine out loud at the loss of your touch. you catch yeosang silently laughing, but you choose to ignore it.

“you can stay if you want, wooyoung,” yeosang says. “you know how the pull out couch works. y/n, help him find pillows if he needs them.”

“got it,” you squeak out, and with that, yeosang says good night, and he’s gone. you don’t say anything for a moment, but wooyoung, ever the chatterbox, breaks the silence. 

“why’d you let go of my hand,” he whines, head falling onto your shoulder as he pouts at you.

“i don’t know,” you whisper back, noticing now that he’s so close to you that he has an adorable mole next on his lip. “i can put it back?”

“only if you want to,” wooyoung says, and he mimics his earlier movements, palm up and waiting for your hand to join his. this time though, you scoot closer and loop your arm through his before joining your hands. wooyoung’s face heats at this and he smiles. neither of you say much else, and you settle into a comfortable silence while the show plays on. you try to focus on the plot but you’re suddenly realizing how tired you are, and with the comfort of wooyoung so close to you, it’s hard for you to keep your eyes open. 

a few minutes pass in silence, and wooyoung’s mind has been racing the whole time. he thinks to himself, do it, tell y/n how you feel right now, but he can’t get the words to come out. he decides that at the end of this episode he’ll just have to do it, or he’ll never say anything. but before he can get there, he feels a weight slump against his shoulder. you’ve fallen fast asleep and now your head is resting against his arm, and he smiles softly at you.

“i’ll tell you in the morning, i guess,” he says quietly, brushing some hair from your face. he kisses your forehead gently before settling back down into the couch, leaning his own head against yours as he closes his eyes to sleep.

-

the next morning, you wake up on the couch with an ache in your back and a blanket draped over your body. it takes you a minute to register why you’re not in your bed, and as you realize you must’ve fallen asleep next to wooyoung (and he was the one who gave you the blanket) you hear a bang in the kitchen.

“shit,” wooyoung mumbles. “that’s not good.”

it’s probably a bad idea, but you get up and head to the kitchen to figure out what’s wrong. you take the blanket with you, wrapping yourself in its warmth. you stop at the doorway to survey the scene, and you see wooyoung sucking his thumb as cold water runs in the sink. you look further into the kitchen and see the mini-waffle maker you bought yeosang as a gag gift is on the counter, and batter is everywhere. 

“wooyoung, what are you doing?” you ask with a yawn. wooyoung jumps slightly at the sound of your voice, and his heart jumps too. but it keeps jumping, doing little backflips at your morning voice, your puffy cheeks, and your adorable blanket cape. he smiles warmly as he replies.

“wanted to make breakfast, since you don’t keep ready made food in this god forsaken house,” he whines through his smile. “and i burned my finger on your stupid machine.”

“it’s not stupid, it’s cute,” you counter, walking up to him to check his burn. “let me see how bad it is.”

“i didn’t know it would get hot so fast, so when i poured a test batch in i wasn’t being careful and my knuckle hit the top,” he explains as he shows you the bright red skin. it’s not bad, but still has you worried. wordlessly, you take his hand in yours and guide it to the water, instructing him to stay there until it stops hurting. “it doesn’t hurt though.”

“liar,” you say, searching through the medicine cabinet you keep in the kitchen. you know there’s some little sample pack of burn cream in there somewhere, but you can’t find it. 

“y/n, really, i’m fine,” wooyoung insists, and you hear the water cut off right as you find what you’re looking for. you grab some a band aid too for good measure. 

“nope, c’mere,” you motion for him to join you in your makeshift doctors office, and you take his wet hand in yours. you lightly dry it, trying not to hurt the burn, and your delicate actions have wooyoung’s heart swelling. maybe he should tell you now...?

except you just put the burn cream on and it fucking stings.

“shit y/n, ow.”

“hush.”

“i’m gonna lose my thumb from the pain.”

“i thought you said it didn’t hurt?” and that shuts him up. you’re both quiet as you clean the area up and apply a band aid. the silence in your argument gives yeosang, who’s been in the living room for a few minutes now, time to but into this intimate moment. 

“good morning lovebirds,” he gruffs out, and it gives him immense pleasure to see how easily you both blush at the nickname. “i told you to be careful with this, woo.”

“yeah well, it’s dumb,” he says quietly, still focused on how you’re holding his hand. he knows you just did this last night, and c’mon, it’s the most innocent and textbook form of touch there is, but it still has his heart speeding up. 

“y/n, will you make the waffles please?” yeosang begs, and you sigh, finally separating from wooyoung.

“yes, but you both gotta get out. you know how i like my kitchen empty when i cook,” you warn them. “otherwise i can and will use the waffle maker as a weapon.”

“do you want to go grab coffee while we wait?” yeosang asks, this time talking to wooyoung. 

“yeah,” he nods. “but i gotta edit my vlog on the way. promised myself it’d be up by 10am.”

“it’s 10:30, woo,” you tell him.

“and that’s exactly why i need to edit it,” he replies quickly. “let’s go yeo.”

“get me something please!” you shout as they leave. “i want a-”

“caramel macchiato with a double shot,” wooyoung and yeosang respond at the same time. once again, wooyoung blushes as he ignores yeosang’s knowing gaze. 

“we’ll be back!” yeosang calls out. “don’t burn the house down!”

“no promises!” 

-

“so when are you gonna ask y/n out?” yeosang asks immediately after he closes the door to the apartment, leaving wooyoung sputtering for a moment. “and don’t give me that ‘i don’t know if y/n is into me’ thing you tried the other day. you were all snuggly on the couch last night and then with your hand just now...y/n likes you and it’s very blatant at this point.”

“i don’t like hearing you say the word snuggly,” wooyoung responds, choosing to ignore the root of the conversation. 

“whatever. you’re an idiot,” yeosang tells him as they reach the elevator. “as your friend i want you to be happy but as y/n’s brother if you keep dragging this out i think i’ll have to beat your ass.”

“you always want an excuse to beat me up.”

“you make it easy,” yeosang shrugs, and wooyoung chuckles.

“whatever,” wooyoung says with a shrug of his own. “i kinda had a plan to do it? like i thought about just saying something last night, and again this morning, but i got an idea a few minutes ago that i want to try first.”

“do tell.”

-

jesus, did they go harvest the coffee beans themselves to get these drinks? you ask yourself as it’s been almost an hour since the boys left. you’ve been done with the waffles and ate without them, preferring your food when it’s fresh and meant to be eaten. the cold waffles will be their problem whenever they come back from whatever the hell they’re doing. 

you’re just laying around as you wait, reading and catching up on a show, when you get a text from yeosang’s friend, seonghwa. you don’t talk much, but you’ve had a couple classes together and he’s pretty nice. 

“when did you start dating wooyoung?” he asks, and you quirk your head in confusion.

“we’re not?” you text back.

“oh, my bad.”

...

“why do you ask?” you respond once it seems like he’s not going to give an explanation. 

“it’s just, you’re in his new vlog a lot, and it looks pretty date-y to me,” he replies.

“date-y?” you ask.

“yeah, it makes sense i swear. hold on, i’ll send it.”

as you wait for the link, you figure that’s what took them so long. maybe wooyoung finished the video and had to upload it on the cafe’s wifi before they came home? but that’s weird, because he could’ve just used your wifi. before you can get too deep into your thoughts, seonghwa texts you back.

“here,” he says, with a link. “like i said, it looks very date-y. you’d make a cute couple.”

“thanks, i guess,” you reply back a final time before tapping the link to wooyoung’s channel. 

it’s just titled as ‘my life’, and the description doesn’t give you much info as you wait for the video to load. it starts with lofi background music, and floating shots of the trees and flowers outside of wooyoung’s apartment building. then it goes to aesthetic shots of him getting coffee from the shop down the street, and you think bitterly how nice the coffee looks. should you text yeosang and ask where they are? no, you should finish the video first. 

there’s a really cute clip of wooyoung eating that brings your attention back to the screen, and then there’s a quick montage of him going to class and then to work. then there’s yeosang’s first appearance, and you realize this must be the day that you all went to waffle house together. just as that thought crosses your mind, you’re looking at yourself from wooyoung’s point of view, literally. the filter has changed, making the video lighter and softer. the music has changed too, from that lofi beat to an almost dreamy melody. wooyoung has let some of the original audio seep through, so you hear him flirting with you and saying any time he spends with you is exciting. you watch yourself react to that and sigh, because how could anyone watch that and not know immediately that you’re head over heels for this man? 

that day finishes with the shaky clips wooyoung took of the three of you in the parking lot and again in the waffle house, then there’s another rapid montage of him studying and running errands, but you’re locked in on every detail. he sure knows how to make the littlest things look so important, and you admire him for that.

then you see him at the store, picking up ingredients for what looks like the meal he made for you last night. he’s messing around in the aisles and you catch yourself beaming at his antics before it cuts back to that same dream-like editing when he gets to your apartment. you see the shot he set up in your kitchen, and your heart catches in your throat. the camera is trained on you and you’d be embarrassed except you can see wooyoung just off to the side, admiring you as you chop onions ‘the wrong way.’ next comes that moment you’re still thinking about, where he wraps his arms around you and helps you. the music is slower now, more calm, and warms your heart and your cheeks as you watch a short collection of clips wooyoung stole of you all night.

finally you see the quick shot he took of you all settled in to watch netflix that he said would end the vlog last night, but the screen fades to black for a second before it opens back up on a shaky clip of him adjusting his arm to show you slumped against his shoulder fast asleep, and wooyoung looks like the happiest man alive. he smiles without showing his teeth, and then, your heart beating faster throughout this entire video, you watch as he places a delicate kiss on your forehead. it’s almost like you can feel his lips brushing over your head when you hear a knock at the front door. it takes a second for you to get out of your daydream and realize the video is over, and it takes another second to realize you need to answer the door.

you’re a little light headed as you try to process what you watched, and you open the door without checking who it is. suddenly you see wooyoung standing before you, slightly out of breath and holding a bouquet of your favorite flowers. he can read the confusion in your face because he just smiles before he speaks.

“did you watch it?”

“wooyoung, i-”

“no, hold on,” he cuts you off. “you watched it, right?” you nod and he continues. “i really like you, y/n. i have for a while and i didn’t know how to address it because i didn’t want to cross any lines, but i really fucking like you and i want to go out with you. but only if you like me back. which i think you do, but still. you could say no and i would leave you alone-”

“wooyoung,” you say, this time cutting him off. he stops and focuses fully on you, and you can’t stop the smile that overtakes your features. “god, you have no idea how long i’ve wanted to hear you say that.” 

“really?” he asks, his own smile growing. 

“duh,” you tell him. “i didn’t hide it well.”

“no, you didn’t,” wooyoung agrees. “but that’s okay. it was cute. you’re cute. and i wanna take you on a date.”

“okay,” you agree with a soft smile. “what should we do?”

“how’s coffee sound?”

[amethystpath-writes]

In the Papers

(NOT A PR0MPT)

If you want, could you write a trope where someone (villain or hero) is visibly weak in a fight where they just couldn't move well, and boy, they collapse in the other's arms. This was based on the sentence, "The last thing i remember is the warmth of arms holding me." 😔✌I'm a sucker for the stoic one pretending like everything's fine when the other just,,, becomes soft for them. I don't know if that's clear, but I do want to give you this idea. Just take care of yourself!! You don't have to do this if you don't wanna :> Stay safe!!

Thank you for the kind words @whoopdyprompts ! I strayed a wee bit from the prompt, but I hope you can enjoy it all the same!

******

In Hero’s eyes, she was throwing swift fist, after swift fist. Of course, her fast fists were being caught and thrown right back at her, and she was aware of it, but it only meant she was evenly matched. That was okay. Hero needed to keep pushing. Keep throwing fists- despite the tightness in her chest.

Through the thick of ‘intense’ action, Villain said, “Hero, you need to slow down.” Slower than what she was already being, anyways. She needed to sit down.

“Why? So you can win? So you can cause yet another panic?”

Villain caught another fist, twisting it this time, and ultimately rearing Hero into an uncomfortable and disabling position. With her wrist tucked into her back, and her back pressed so tightly against Villain’s chest, there was nothing she could do to either fight him nor become free. “Why?” Incredulous. “Because your face is beet red and I’m afraid you’re going to pass out. You’re not getting enough oxygen.”

“What would you know about my oxygen?” she seethed, attempting to yank her arm free. Although now that she heard Villain’s words, there was an awful lot of mucus in the back of her throat, blocking her airways. And she felt hot- very hot.

“Your face,” he repeated, “is beet red. You have asthma, Hero. Stop before you end up killing yourself.”

Asthma? How did Villain know about her asthma?

As if reading her thoughts through her stillness, Villain explained, “There was an article in the papers. ‘Is Our Hero Really Our Hero?’ I wonder the same thing only because of how stupid you’re being right now.”

“You’re going to call the person who’s about to pass out stupid?” Shit. She didn’t mean to admit she was near fainting.

“Because you are about to pass out and you will not stop squirming around.” Villain spun Hero in a one-eighty, pinning her arms to her sides with two strong arms of his own. Maybe they wouldn’t be so strong if Hero had enough oxygen in her system for her blood to actually circulate as it was supposed to.

“Let go of me,” Hero spat, and Villain did. And she staggered one step, and then two steps. Her head swayed as a dark vignette grew in her vision, coming closer and closer to an all-black image. Before she knew it, Hero was falling.

Preventing Hero’s fall wasn’t easy with as quick as she fell, but Villain managed. He wouldn’t try talking her down just to let her hit her head. “You know it was out of a caring heart that I told you to stop, right?” She was blinking at him, still conscious, even if just barely. He paused, smoothed Hero’s hair behind her ear. “Why do this to yourself?”

“Why do you sound like you care?” She sucked in a quick breath and swallowed, coughed.

Villain shook his head, walking Hero over to a wall. “Hands behind your head.”

“You’re arresting me?” She wheeze-laughed.

“Do it. It’ll help open your airways.”

She knew that. “I don’t trust you won’t do something to me.”

A tautness took over Villain’s face. He clenched his slightly crooked jaw and looked to the ground. “I wouldn’t take advantage of anyone’s disability. I wish you knew that.”

But Villain didn’t get to say this last part in full because Hero snapped, “It’s not a disability.” She didn’t like that word- it made her feel helpless, useless, weak.

“So what if it is or isn’t, Hero! You’re not breathing normally dammit.”

The two both took a moment to breathe- Hero more so than Villain for obvious reasons. She laced her fingers together, palms on the back of her head, elbows stuck out like misplaced wings. Meanwhile, Villain paced.

“I wreck corporate parties because they all have underground operations that are destroying people’s lives. But you wouldn’t know that because you waste your lungs fighting me instead of using your brain to investigate them.” Was Villain angry? Yes, but that was quite the understatement. His anger wasn’t caused by Hero’s naivety. Rather, it was because she was pushing herself too hard. “It’s not your fault that you have asthma. But it is your fault that you don’t take care of it when it’s acting up. You’re not hurting anyone by saving yourself, Hero.”

“I could be stopping you,” she said. Her breaths were fuller now, more effective in taking care of her body. “It’s what they all want.”

“Because they don’t know the honest threat.” Villain sighed. “I value you, Hero, for being the icon everyone can look up to, but you’re not seeing what it’s doing to you. You read that article, didn’t you?”

The newspaper? Yes, she did.

“And you blocked it out of your memory- began wondering why you suddenly couldn’t exist with asthma. You can’t wish it away, however much you want to. And I know that sucks, I know, but listen to me. You are no lesser of a person for having a disorder- whether that’s asthma or anything else.” He neared the wall which Hero still stood at, and seeing that her breathing, her complexion, was back to normal, he took her hands in his own, gently rubbing his thumbs over her cracked knuckles. “If anything, I applaud you for your ability to exercise at all. You haven’t let it discourage you, no matter how much you tried to shelter it. I’m proud of you.”

A tear slipped down Hero’s cheek. She nodded. “I needed that,” she told Villain, watching his thumb glide across her skin. A loving touch, a caring thought. It was all she needed to realize she deserved more than pressure and doubt. Hero deserved the appreciation and concern. “Will you walk me home? It’s several blocks away and I don’t trust myself to not jog back.”

“I’ll walk you,” he said, “but you need to tell me where your inhaler is so I can shove it down your throat next time you do this.”

“Hate to break it to you, but I think that would make my breathing even worse.”

******

@whatwhumpcomments

[bomberqueen17]

on horsehair in fibercrafting

so I’ve been pondering using horsehair ever since I read that description of the one Hallstatt tablet-woven braid that used horsehair as the weft. (Information on that here-- if you scroll you dont’ actually have to download the PDF at all)

Tablet weaving is warp-faced, meaning that all of the colors you see on the final product are the visible face of the warp-- the threads you dressed the loom with. The weft, the string the weaver has put in place to form the strings into a fabric, is only visible as loops at the edge, and occasionally peeking through if there are skip-holes in the threading pattern. You rarely see it, and I’m learning the best practice as a weaver is just to select a weft that’s similar in color to the warp at the edges, so that it’s unobtrusive where the weft turns around.

So you need very long strings for the warp, but the weft can really be anything. Anything strong, and I imagine in the time of the Hallstatt tablet’s weaving-- some of those finds are estimated to be as old as 800 BCE, which is a very long fucking time ago-- horsehair would be readily available, basically free, and perfectly strong enough for this purpose.

But it got me wondering, what else do people make from horsehair? And of course the answer is, a lot of things.

Horsehair fabric was traditionally used for upholstery, and I remember learning that as a kid and misunderstanding it-- at the museum my mom curated before I was born, I remember visiting and my mother saying that this historic chair had a horsehair cushion, and I thought it was stuffed with horsehair, like as the padding-- and I think my mother thought that too, and it’s possible it really was. but the fabric was certainly woven of horsehair. As I’m researching now, horsehair fabric traditionally had a warp of something else, often cotton or linen, and the weft was horsehair, ideal because water-resistant and hard-wearing and glossy and fairly abrasion-resistant. Again, the horsehair would not be spun-- it was sourced by cropping horses’ entire tails, which was regularly done for work horses, and then the whole tail would be brought and hairs picked by a child assistant to the weaver, and added in to the weft individually, set to overlap slightly, alternating hair directions. There’s an explainer here, from a woman who learned how to recreate it, but it’s worth mentioning there is a company in the UK who still does it commercially. (There’s an article about it but it’s requiring me to register and I’m not doing that.)

There’s also a traditional cowboy craft of making horsehair ornaments for bridles and saddles, which I could only discover is very time-intensive, and now I can’t remember what it was called or find more information about it. I’m sure it’s in the browsing history on my other computer, though.

Anyway that made me curious about making cord from horsehair, and the only thing I can find is a lot of Pinterest boards about making friendship bracelets, which is cool, but most of them are kumihimo cording, which is fine and good and not a thing I’ve ever done before but probably could pick up if I felt the need.

I wish I’d discovered this back when I had horses. I had a buckskin gelding with a wonderful mixture of browns in his mane and tail, and a Quarter Horse/Appaloosa mare who had a lot of gray and white shades. I saved a coil of the gelding’s mane when he died, but we sold the mare, and I don’t think I kept any mementoes of her. Alas!

I’m of course now remembering that one of my original novels featured a horseback culture that had a cultural tradition of braiding horse and human hair into bracelets as talismans, but I can’t talk about that with anyone because I never finished or published that book, so lolsob, wonder where that went on my hard drive.

Anyway-- this is a thing I’m now thinking about a lot, LOL.

[taestefully-in-luv]

Always You | JJK (Three)

Summary: you and Jungkook have been best friends since freshmen year of college, there’s a lot of unsaid feelings and tension but neither make a move. what happens when his friend Taehyung (also your crush) needs a fake girlfriend?

Pairing: Jungkook x Female reader, slight Taehyung x Reader

Genre: friends to lovers, idiots to lovers, slight slow burn, roommate au, college au, SMUT (starting ch2), fluff, angst (in later chapters) slight crack, lots of drama

Word Count: 10.4k

Warnings: Swearing, alcohol consumption, sexual tension (?),oc and jungkook being adorable bffs, shady tae, oral (female receiving), vaginal fingering, mentions of sex, vaginal intercourse, hickeys, orgasms,

Notes: I actually really enjoyed writing this part! Where’s my bff for bff bubble bath? Lmaaoo. Anyway, thanks again for taking the time to read. Don’t forget to send me an ask if you want to be added to the taglist or if you just want to chat about the story!

Taglist: @mooniyooni @thisartemisnevermisses @giadalin @kookiebunny097 @cosmosjk @moonchild1 @just-jeon @anpanman-sonyeondan @starlight-night0 @yessii-i @apollukee @mikasaredescarf1 @kaye-rosales @bunnyjeonjk @dyriddle @jkslachimolala

© taestefully-in-luv

Previous----Next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“You want me to what now?” your voice is unnecessarily high pitched.

“Meet my parents.” Taehyung gives you that awkward Chrissy Teigen meme smile. “Listen—I know it sounds crazy and horrifying but they’re really nice…”

“But why?”

“It’s my fault…I didn’t consider having my sister on social media…and I keep posting you and she told my parents and they’re real excited about me having a girlfriend…and I don’t want to crush them.”

You and Taehyung are seated on your living room couch, enjoying a lazy Thursday afternoon after classes. He brings his cup of water to his lips and takes some generous gulps.

“Listen, y/n I will literally pay another month’s worth of coffee…please just think about it.”

More free coffee? Fuck, that’s kind of a steal considering how expensive that shit is and you no doubt have an addiction.

“…fine…” you say hesitantly, “when?”

“Really?” Taehyung lights up like a spot light, “Well, I was thinking this weekend?”

“T-This weekend? That soon? Which day?”

Taehyung showcases a sheepish grin as he rubs the back of his neck, a habit of his no doubt.

“Like, the whole weekend.”

Your eyebrows crawl to the top of your head as you gape at him, “What do you mean?”

“Like, we would get there in time for dinner on Friday, then stay all day Saturday and leave Sunday morning before they leave for church. Unless you wanna go to church with th—”

“No, not really.” You run your fingers through your long strands, “Holy shit, okay we are doing this.” You nod to yourself, “What’s our story? You know they’re going to ask.”

“Huh? Uh…just the truth. I met you through Jungkook and we hit it off and we started dating.”

You sigh to yourself, wishing that were actually true.

“Just be yourself, y/n.” Taehyung smiles at you. You beam back at him, and his boxy smile only grows wider. “They’ll like you, it’s not that hard to…” his hand reaches for yours, your palms are a bit sweaty since you are feeling like a nervous wreck at the thought of meeting his parents.

Suddenly, the front door swings open and in comes your best friend (who is still mad at you). He walks in slowly eyeing the two of you on the sofa. He notices Taehyungs hand wrapped around yours and Taehyung quickly pulls away. Jungkook takes a look at your face, you’re lost in thought, nibbling on your bottom lip.

Jungkook is yes, still mad at you but also, since he jacked it to your face he is being a little nicer. But as much as he has tried not to have those type of thoughts of you before, it’s not like he hasn’t. So, he’s gotten good at pretending all is well.

“What’s with her?” Jungkook pries, walking closer to the sofa.

“Noth—”

“I’m meeting Tae’s parents.” You cut in to say.

Jungkook’s brows crease as he looks between you and Taehyung. He shakes his head in disbelief, stepping closer to the two of you.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Jungkook mutters under his breath. “You’re going this far?” now Jungkook’s face is tilted towards Taehyung. “Why are you going this far dude?” Taehyung stands to his feet, “I—”

“No man, you’ve already dragged her into your shit and now you want her to what, meet your parents?” Jungkook’s voice rises in volume and you start to feel uneasy. Taehyung shakes his head, “Jungkook—”

“End this.” Jungkook spits out, getting in Taehyungs face. “How is this fair for her…”

You stand up too, your hand pulling him back by the shoulder. “Jungkook stop.” Your voice is unusually calm.

“I’m helping Tae out because we’re friends and also, ya know, free coffee.” Jungkook turns to face you, his teeth gritting in frustration.

“You have no idea what you’re doing.” Jungkook whispers. And with that he takes one more look at Taehyung, shakes his head in disapproval and walks off towards his room.

You and Taehyung continue to stand there in silence, you feel embarrassed because of Jungkook’s actions and ashamed you didn’t do more to stop him. Taehyung on the other hand looks completely defeated.

“I’m sorry about Jungkook I don’t know why he—”

“I should go,” Taehyung cuts you off, he gives you a weak smile before grabbing his things and heading towards the door.

“Are we still on for this weekend?” you sway from side to side, feeling as awkward as you probably look.

Taehyung doesn’t answer right away, instead he rubs the back of his neck with a frown decorating his face. Finally, he meets your eyes and offers another weak smile.

“Yeah, I’ll pick you up at 4 tomorrow.” He doesn’t wait for a response as he is already walking out the door, closing it softly behind him.

You’re left alone in the living room with nothing but a cold, empty couch and your million racing thoughts. Why is Jungkook so against you and Tae? Maybe Jungkook is afraid that you’ll become so close with Tae that he thinks you’ll replace him…but you know in your heart of hearts Jungkook is irreplaceable. Why can’t Jungkook understand that? You haven’t been spending as much time with him lately and maybe that’s the problem. What can’t a drunken slumber party not solve?

You knock on his door, waiting for a ‘come in’ but it never comes. So you knock again. And again. Until finally Jungkook swings open the door with a frustrated sigh and pained look on his face.

“Look, before you scold me—”

“Actually, I had an idea.” You say quickly.

“Oh?” Jungkook’s features relax.

“It’s been a while since we’ve had one of our BFF slumber parties.” You slant your head to the side, a sly smile forming on your lips.

Jungkook stares at you for a few seconds before his eyes fill with something interesting.

“Yeah,” he clears his throat, “it’s been a while.”

“What do you say? Tonight? Me and you? Wine? Anime? Video games? BFF bubble bath?”

“Wow, you want the works.” Jungkook grins. “But you realize I’m still…” he takes a deep breath when he notices your worried, pleading eyes. “Step into my office and we can discuss the details.” He says, opening his door wider, inviting you inside.

His room looks clean besides the few articles of clothing scattered on the ground. He has a scented candle going and LoFi music playing lowly on his speakers. Lofi and candle? He only has that combo when he’s stressed and trying to calm down.

You take a seat on the edge of his made bed, and Jungkook follows you, also taking a seat on his bed next to you.

“14% and up only for the wine.” He states.

“Agreed. Action or horror for the anime.” You pitch in.

“Agreed. Mario Kart for the video game.”

“Agreed. Life altering secrets only for BFF Bubble Bath.”

Jungkook chews on his lips as he thinks of your request. “Okay.”

You clap your hands excitedly for tonight, your chest bubbling with happiness. This is what you and Jungkook need.

~~~~~~

Jungkook is even more excited for BFF slumber party night than you are. He’s missed you. There’s been a real disconnect with the two of you lately and thinks tonight is exactly what the two of you need. He is just coming home from buying 4 bottles of 16% wine and lots of snacks. He got the salty, the sweet and the sour. Feeling proud of his choices, he sets the groceries down and calls for you.

You walk out from the bathroom with a facemask glued to your face with another packet in your hand,

“For you, sir.”

Jungkook chuckles as he grabs the pack from your hands, “Okay, I’ll go put this on, while you pour us some wine.” He nods towards the bottles.

You happily oblige. You grab the cork screw from its designated place in the kitchen drawer and begin to open the first bottle of wine. It opens smoothly, without a hitch.

“Wow…engineering is amazing.” You whisper to yourself in awe.

“What’s amazing?” Jungkook walks into the kitchen, you take a long look at his appearance. The white facemask making him look like a ghost.

“Your face.” You chuckle, a finger going up to touch the material on his skin.

You twirl to face the kitchen cabinets and pull out two wine glasses for you and your BFF and poor a gracious amount of wine in each. You hand him the glass and you clank the glasses together in cheers.

“To us.” You chirp happily, chugging back a gulp of your drink.

Jungkook just watches as you wince at the disgusting flavor and cackles to himself before taking a sip of his own drink.

The two of you grab the bottle of wine and your glasses and make your way into the living room.

“Alright we go by the normal house rules, whichever place you get is how many seconds you chug your drink.” You explain.

“Are you talking to an imaginary audience y/n? I already know the rules.” Jungkook teases.

“I was just trying to get the competitive mood going.” You poke your tongue out, Jungkook is quick to try to grab it between his fingers.

“Ugh, you are so gross.” You groan.

“You love it.” Jungkook smiles so wide his eyes begin to disappear. “Well, let’s play!”

One thing you absolutely can’t stand but also completely adore about Jungkook is that he is a sore loser. And also an ungracious fucking winner.

“You SUCK!” Jungkook cackles obnoxiously in your face, “Like I hope you enjoy chugging for five—no, SIX seconds you mother fuckin loser.” He continues to laugh loudly much to your annoyance but a part of you feels warm that he is having so much fun. You haven’t seen him laugh like this in weeks.

“Okay I get it.” You roll your eyes so far back into your head all you see is whites.

This was the 3rd time in a row you’re getting 6th place, your vision is started to blur at the amount of alcohol you’ve chugged. But only a little, nothing you can’t handle.

“Okay y/n let’s stop now, we can watch some anime while we order some pizza?” he grins your way. “I vote Tokyo ghoul. And the rule is we drink every time Kaneki is fucking cry baby.”

“Well damn, guess we’re getting fucked up.” You declare. You and Jungkook laugh to yourselves at the thought.

The show is on, pizza has been ordered. Life is good. You sneak a glance at Jungkook as he pays attention to the show on screen. You smile when he smiles, you smile when he laughs, you smile when he pouts. Jungkook finally manages to notice you staring at him and snaps his head to you.

“What?” he asks with a toothy grin.

“Nothing…” you sing, your bright smile rivaling the light coming from the TV.

It’s been several hours, two medium pizzas have been demolished, 4 wine bottles have been drank and lots of anime has been watched. You and Jungkook sit on the sofa wrapped in blankets, neither one of you wanting to get up to turn the fan off.

“So cold.” You slur.

“Come closer.” Jungkook slurs back.

“Or we can warm up with BFF Bubble Bath?” you offer, leaning your head on his shoulder.

Jungkook zones out for a second, thinking of your request.

“Been a while since we had one of those, huh?” he finally says something.

“yeah, which is a real shame, isn’t it? I mean, we literally get into our swim suits, draw a hot bubble bath, get in sitting opposite of each other and tell each other our secrets, our hopes and dreams. Then we make a wish that the other person HAS to support and we can’t tell anyone else or else it won’t come true.” You mumble mostly to yourself.

“y/n…once again are you speaking to an imaginary audience?” he chuckles, “I know what a BFF Bubble Bath is.”

“Then hurry up and draw that bubble bath mister know it all.”

Jungkook stares at himself in the mirror, he’s got on his red swim trunks. His hair is a fucking mess, and his eyes are giving away how intoxicated he is but he’s got this dopey smile on his face that he decides is a good look on him. He looks happy. He feels happy.

You walk into the bathroom and eye your best friend. You can’t help but drop your gaze to his thighs, God, you love when he wears tight pants or shorts.

“What’s up buff guy?” you tease, grabbing a hold of his bicep.

“Shut up” Jungkook shudders from your touch. Then he takes one long look at you and he wants to faint. You’re also wearing a red swim suit, it’s one of those strapless kind. The two of you eye each other up and down, observing your matching swim suits and shoot each other some finger guns.

“hehe…well, shall we?” you say, gesturing towards the bubble filled tub.

Jungkook nods his head yes and motions for you to step in first.

The water is hotter than you are expecting, your toes wet with lava. But it’s just how you like it, you have both legs in as you begin to sink deeper into the bubbled water.

“come on in” you wave Jungkook over, he drunkenly stumbles forward until he’s wincing at the hot water that meets his skin.

“You’re really the queen of Hell if this temperature is enjoyable to you.” He deadpans.

“Why thank you, does that make you my loyal servant?”

“ha-ha.”

You and Jungkook stare at each other for a while, enjoying the drunken haze.

“So anything new going on with you?” you begin to pry.

You prying is never a good thing but you can never help yourself. His past is such a mystery to you and it drives you nuts. You’re supposed to be best friends yet he can’t even tell you about his parents without it getting real awkward. He knows all about your family history, but all you know about his is that his dad cheated the whole marriage and his mom finally left him for it—leaving Jungkook behind as well. You understand why it must be hard to talk about but...doesn’t he want to confide in you? You of all people?

“Not really.” Jungkook fingers play with the bubbles at his chest.

“Any girls? Like not just hookups but—”

“Don’t worry about that.”

Such a fucking Jungkook thing to say, it’s always ‘don’t worry about that y/n’ and never ‘let me actually tell you some real information y/n’.

“Jungkook,” you wine into the bubbles.

“Hm?”

“Don’t you have a girl you like???” and suddenly drunk y/n doesn’t want to know this answer. Would sober you?

Jungkook looks down at his wrinkling hands and doesn’t know what to say. Does he?

“No.” is the answer he settles for. And suddenly relief is washed over you.

You want to ask him the thing you are most curious about—his family. But he has said it a million times to you every time he’s asked—its ‘a touchy subject’.

“Ask about it.” He suddenly says, “I know you want to.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about, yes indeed I have no clue.” You slur.

“Y/N.” he warns.

“Fine…when’s the last time you talked to your dad? I know he made mistakes…but I also know he has tried reaching out to you over and over. He calls almost every day Jungkook! Maybe he’s changed. I know your mom left because of everything and you blame your d—”

“Mom…” he begins to cut you off. You notice his eyes gloss over and you feel your heart drop. Jungkook rarely cries and rarely cries in front of anyone. Then he’s clearing his throat, “You’re right. Moms not in the picture anymore and I do blame dad.”

“I hate that your mom left you Jungkook…” you say softly. “She’s the worst for that,”

“You have no idea.” Jungkook breathes out. “Let’s change the subject, please.”

“But—”

“Please, y/n.” his eyes are pleading and you feel your heart drop again. You wonder if he will ever be ready to talk about it.

“Actually…” he awkwardly plays with the bubbles in front of his chest, “There’s something I want to say.”

“What is it?” you can’t help but feel anxious all the sudden.

Jungkook avoids your eyes as he plays with the bubbles, he takes a few deep breaths before lifting his head.

“I’m sorry.”

You tilt your head, “Sorry for what?”

“I’ve…” Jungkook scrunches his face up, contemplating what to say. “I’ve been really unfair to you. I should of never treated you this way…I don’t know what came over me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was hurt, yes, that you chose Taehyung over me but since the beginning I’ve been such an asshole. Fuck, y/n…” his voice cracks, “I’m so sorry. I just wish I could…” he pauses, shaking his head. “No, it’s nothing. I just hope you’ll be careful with Taehyung.” He shakes his head again, “Oh my god, I am so selfish.” He laughs pathetically. “I’m sorry…”

You stay quiet for several moments, you want to agree with him. Yeah it was fucked up what you did, but he wasn’t any better this whole time.

“Why were you such an asshole?” you finally ask.

“Don’t worry about it y/n.” GOD DAMN. You are tired of that response!

You scoff, “And why are you so wary of Taehyung? I don’t get it!”

“Can you just trust me? Please?”

“I’ll just trust my own judgment for now…”

“y/n…” then he is looking into your eyes more seriously, “I’m sorry.”

You bite your lip as you think about his apology. Is he sorry? By the looks of it, yes. But he was so childish…you decide to grab his hand and play with his fingers. He stares down at your hands and smiles softly.

“Will you behave?” you tease lightly. Your fingers weaving through his. He looks up at you with his big doe eyes and nods his head slowly.

“Yes.”

“Then I will forgive you for now but you’re on thin fucking ice, buddy.”

Jungkook can’t help but laugh a little. “Yes mam.”

“Fine!” you say clasping your hands together, “Secret time!”

“Oh great,” Jungkook chuckles. “You first”

“Okay, hmmmmm.” You hold your chin up in deep thought. “Okay I got one I have never told you.” You grin mischievously.

“Okay, go for it.”

“When I was really drunk I most definitely made out with Trina.”

“Yeah, I was there. I’m the one who told you that you should kiss her. I said kiss though, like a peck. But your ass added tongue and all.”

“Wait what? Why would you tell me to do that!”

“I thought it would be hot.” He shrugs.

“Wack.” You slap his hand, “Your turn.”

“Ummm…” Jungkook leans back in the tub, “I’m the one who told Jimin to dare me to kiss you our freshmen year.” Jungkook says just above a whisper. He’s been holding in that secret for 3 years.

“Wait, what?” you ask, totally off guard.

“Yeah.” Is all he responds with.

“You wanted to kiss me back then?”

“Wasn’t it obvious considering how things escalated…”

Your eyes expand in size, the memory of that night flashing in your mind.

“We agreed to never talk about it, ya know, to save our friendship and what not.” You point out.

The bubbles cover your bathing suit perfectly so little was left to the imagination. Jungkook keeps eyeing the swell of your breasts and the pop of your collarbones, you look naked if he has to be honest. And if he has to be honest it was starting to turn him on. Should that be a secret he shares?

“Jungkook?” you say for the 4th time trying to get him out of whatever drunken daze he was in.

“Huh?” he comes back down to earth. “What did you say?”

“I said, what are your dreams?”

“You know them already,” he shrugs.

“Video editor still?”

“Yeah. Maybe Director.” He smiles timidly, “What about yours?”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Well, you’re in school for marketing. So something with that?”

“I just chose that because I know I can find a job in the field.” You sigh.

Jungkook studies your features, you look troubled. He leans forward to grab your hands again and says , “Whatever you wanna do, you’ll be great at it,”

You crease your brows together and a pout forms on your lips, “You think so?”

“I know so.”

The two of you smile at one another until you break the silence, “Its getting too hot we should get out soon.”

“Agreed.” Jungkook nods his head.

“Alright let’s make our wishes that we MUST support.” You stick your pinky out for Jungkook to take, “I’ll go first.” Then you become shy with your next words, “I wish Taehyung would feel the same way about me I do about him.”

Jungkook’s smile falters but he takes your pinky anyway.

“My turn…I just…I wish you will be happy.”

You widen your eyes, “Wow,” you say, “What a selfless wish. You shouldn’t waste it on me!”

“It’s my greatest wish right now though…” he slurs his words.

You can’t help but smile as you take his pinky in promise.

Now in some fresh pajamas, you and Jungkook both stand in front of his bedroom door. The two of you are pretty damn drunk but holding it together quite nicely. He sways from side to side with that bunny smile and you can’t help but lean in for a hug. He takes a moment but he hugs you back. You pull away much too quickly for his liking.

“Hey y/n…”

“Yeah?”

Jungkook clears his throat a few times, his eyes darting all around the place, “Could you ever…hate me?”

“Never.” You answer quickly.

Jungkook is hit with a wave of guilt, a wave so big it comes crashing and knocking him down.

“Would if…no, never mind.”

“Never.” You say again.

Jungkook’s smiles fades a bit before a new smile takes over.

“I understand. Goodnight y/n.” and he leans down and places a kiss on your cheek. “sleep well.”

Fire. You feel the burn of fire. His kiss lingered for a second too long because you are burning. His kiss was scorching hot and you can’t help but melt from the heat. You are left speechless. From a kiss on the cheek.How did a kiss on the mother fucking cheek have you reacting this way?

“G-Goodnight Jung—” but the door is already softly closing in your face before you can finish your sentence.

~~~~~

The sun is coming through the blinds in the most offending way, you want to open your eyes and start the day but you just cannot. You have a raging headache from all the wine you quickly drank and you come to accept your fate—you’re hungover. As hell. You crack one eye open to see the time on the clock: 1:52pm

Immediately you sit up in bed, realizing you have slept way too long. How late did you and Jungkook stay up last night? Oh, last night. You smile softly at the memories of the night before. It was a perfect BFF slumber party. You haven’t seen Jungkook that happy in a while and you wonder if the same goes for you.

But then reality sets in—Taehyung is going to be here in 2 hours and you haven’t even thought about what you’re packing for your trip. You still need to eat, shower and get ready. You begin to mentally pack for your trip when you hear a single knock on your door before its opening up and a wild Jungkook appears.

“Morning sleepyhead.” He says with his signature bunny grin on his face.

“Jungkook! Help me pack!” you jump out of bed and walk to your closet, dragging out an oversized overnight bag.

“Like, parent appropriate clothes—I am freaking out by the way. I am meeting Tae’s parents and would if they don’t like me?”

“Relax, relax.” Jungkook walks inside your closet, bringing out a few clothing options. “They’re going to love you.”

“Do you…” you chew on your bottom lip, “Do you think your parents would have loved me?” you ask cautiously.

Jungkook freezes. He is silent for several long moments, making you believe you should not have asked that. But then he turns to face you with a strange smile, “Mom and dad would have adored you.” Then he pats your shoulder. “I put in some good options by the way.” He says pointing to the bag.

“Oh thanks.” You say totally caught off guard. “Okay I’m going to shower can you please, pretty please make me something to eat? I will love you forever.”

“You already love me forever.” Jungkook states matter of fact. “But sure, but don’t blame me if you don’t like what I make.”

“Oh god, you’re making me instant ramen aren’t you?”

“Love you.” He says, walking out of your room.

~~~~~~

“I made a playlist for our drive.” Taehyung hands you his phone, “It’s called ‘Meet the Parents’” he laughs to himself, pointing at the playlist on the screen for you to click.

“The first song is called ‘Please love me’ by Colde” you chuckle, “You think you are funny, don’t you?”

“Maybe a little” he smirks. “But really, relax. My parents are chill, they’re gonna like you, I promise.

“Well, we have a 2 hour drive Tae Tae.” Taehyung blushes hard at the nickname and for once it does not go unnoticed by you.

“I have a question for you y/n…”

You quirk a brow at his curiosity, “What is it?”

“How do you have the opportunity to fake date me? Like, don’t you have someone you like or guys chasing after you?”

“Oh I don’t have much luck with that.” You answer honestly. “With dating and such.”

“And why’s that?” he pries deeper.

“To be honest most guys I have dated end up dumping me if I don’t…”

“Don’t what?”

You grip your purse in your lap, your hold so tight your fingers become sore.

“Dump Jungkook.” You breathe out, “They were always so jealous of him…and… gave me a choice. Them or him,” you pick at the material of your purse, “I always chose Jungkook.” You huff, “Besides I didn’t like those guys that much anyway.”

Taehyung is quietly listening to you, nodding his head at your words. Once at a stop light he turns to face you,

“Yet when I asked you to dump Jungkook, you did.” He points out in a hushed tone.

“I…” you pause, thinking carefully on what to say. “I guess I did.”

Taehyung smiles. But it isn’t his boxy grin, it’s an odd smile. You become anxious, “But it’s more complicated than that.”

“Right.” Taehyung says before facing the road again, accelerating through the green light.

“How did you and Jungkook becomes so close anyway?”

You can’t help but simper.

“Well, we met at a frat party but ended up at a 24 diner until like 9 the next morning. We just—we just really hit it off. I felt like I could say or be anything in front of Jungkook and he would always just give me a silly look and accept whatever it is, whatever I am. You know when you just vibe with someone so well?” you ask, not really expecting an answer.

“Well that was us. We could say anything and still always want to continue the conversation. We ended up taking some of the same classes and studied together then that turned into regular hang outs and then it was like bam—I was with him almost every day.” You smile fondly at the memories.

Taehyung glances at you, he wears a sad smile as he asks, “Have either of you ever caught feelings for the other?”

You choke on the air around you, “What?” then that night from freshmen year flashes in your mind, “No…no.” you say trying to convince him, or is it to convince yourself?

The next few minutes are pretty quiet during the drive, but nothing awkward. You unzip your purse to pull out your phone to see you have unread messages from Jimin.

Jimin 5:30pm

Hey babe, heard you were going to meet Tae’s parents

Jimin 5:31pm

How is Jungkook feeling?

y/n 5:44pm

what do u mean

Jimin 5:45pm

y/n…nothing girl

y/n 5:45pm

????

Jimin 5:46pm

It’s really nothing. Anyway

Jimin 5:46pm

You and tae huh

Jimin 5:46pm

I am happy for you and tae…if that’s what you really want

You stare down at the phone in your hands, contemplating whether to tell Jimin the truth. He is one of your best friends after all.

y/n 5:55pm

tbh with u jimin…im not really dating tae..were just pretending to get this girl off his back

Jimin 5:56pm

What???? Really?? Wait, what girl?

y/n 5:57pm

Some chick named Anna

Jimin 5:57pm

Wait…Anna…?

Incoming call: Jimin

“Are you going to answer that?” Taehyung asks from beside you.

You want to but you two are pulling into his parents drive way and you don’t want your first impression to be that you were on your phone, so you send Jimin a quick text that you can’t talk.

You and Taehyung step out of the car and his parents are already standing outside on the porch. His father has his wife in his arms, they look happy to see Taehyung—they look happy in general.

“Oh! My baby bear!” his mother strides forward until Taehyung is wrapped in her loving arms. She sways their bodies back and forth as she smiles and laughs, the joy of having her son with her evident.

Taehyungs dad is about the same, he pulls him in for a tight hug and scolds him for not visiting more. Then it is your turn. You stand there awkwardly but not for long because Taehyungs mother is embracing you all the same.

“I have seen lots of pictures of you! But you are even prettier in person!” she gushes, her hands holding yours. You can’t help the blush that creeps up on your face as she speaks to you.

“Why don’t you two come inside?” his father gestures towards the house, “We got dinner nice and hot.”

Taehyung blushes as he watches his parents interact with you, he knew they would warm up to you fast but still it makes his heart race.

Dinner goes by quickly, his parents talking a storm. They begin sharing childhood stories about Taehyung and show you baby pictures as he sits there protesting. His pouting face is so cute you could die.

“And here he is with just a towel!” his mom squeals. “But I am sure you have seen that view already.”

“mom…” Taehyung draws out the word in a whine. You just giggle as she continues to show you pictures of baby Tae Tae.

Finally, Taehyungs sister joins the party and she teases him just as much as their parents. You feel right at home with the Kim’s. They are warm and inviting and make you feel so…at peace.

“Oh!” Mrs. Kim pauses, “look at the time!” she points down at her watch that rests on her left wrist.

“It’s gotten so late, my my. Well, us old folks are heading to bed. You two should get some rest as well.” She motions towards you and Taehyung. “Taehyung can show you the room you two will be staying in.”

“Room? As in singular?” you sputter out.

“Well, we only have one room open. One bed.” She juts her lip out innocently. “I figure you two are a couple so…”

“Yeah, we will be fine.” Taehyung cuts in. “Get some rest mom…dad.” He nods towards his father.

One room? One bed? With The Kim Taehyung. Granted that yes, you have become like, friends with Tae so you are more comfortable. But to share a room? Share a bed?

You follow Tae up the stairs and down the hall to a bedroom. It has a single queen size bed in the middle of the room against the wall. You feel flustered like it’s the first time you spoke to him.

“I can sleep on the floor if you want.” Taehyung offers with a shy smile and all your worries vanish. That’s right, Taehyung is a gentlemen and you have nothing to worry about.

“No, it’s fine” you assure him, “We are adults Tae, we can share a bed.”

Your hangover still lingers and the drive is starting to take its toll, your eyes feeling heavy as sleep invites you to visit.

“Let’s sleep.” You yawn out.

Taehyung nods his head with a smile and walks towards the bathroom, “I’ll get ready for bed in here,” he motions towards the bathroom, “and you can change in here. Just let me know when you’re done.”

“Alrighty”

You fall asleep quickly, letting your dreams take over for the night.

Winter break just started and you are supposed to go see your parents but when you found out your new friend Jungkook was going to be spending the holidays alone in his dorm you just could not let that slide.

“It’s not a big deal, y/n. I’m used to it.” He states in a plain fashion.

“it IS a big deal JK. My parents can handle one Christmas without me, but I am afraid you cannot.” You say with a smirk.

“Why are you doing this for me?” Jungkook is typing away on his laptop working on a last minute assignment his professor is letting him turn in late.

“Because even though I’ve only known you for like, 4 months, you’re like my closest friend here.”

“Don’t act like you have a closer friend somewhere else”

“Why do you have to call me out like that?”

Jungkook snickers, click clacking away on his keyboard, “Finally, I’m finished.” He says closing the laptop. Jungkook looks up at you.

“Go catch your flight y/n.” he says with a soft smile.

“Not happening.” You say more seriously.

Jungkook just stares at you for a long while and you stare right back. When the two of you look into one another’s eyes it’s never weird or awkward. You always relish in it.

“You’re something else aren’t you?” he breaks into a toothy grin. “What would we do anyway?”

“We can have a slumber party? And call it BFF slumber party.”

“Sounds fun” Jungkook stands from his rolling chair and sits on the edge of his bed with you.

“You know, you might be the best friend I have ever had.” He whispers.

Christmas passes by in a flash and NYE’s is right around the corner. Your friends are going to be back for NYE’s because of all the parties that required all of your attendances.

New Year’s eve has arrived and you sit in your dorm with Trina as the two of you get ready for the night.

“I hope Stephanie is going to be there tonight…” Trina mumbles under her breath, “If not this outfit is a complete waste.”

You giggle as you apply your red lipstick in the mirror. You get a text from Jimin that he and Jungkook are already headed to the party so you rush Trina to get ready to go.

The party is booming. There are decorations everywhere, people everywhere, and drinks everywhere. You sip on a few beers, wanting to stay at least a little sober so you remember the night, and you hope Jungkook isn’t too trashed either.

Hours pass, lots of dancing goes down and more drinks go down…your throat. It was all fun and games until Jimin called for your group of friends to head to a bedroom to play an innocent game of truth or dare.

You stick to Jungkook’s side as the two of you stumble up the stairs, laughing loudly and holding hands to keep each other stable.

You all sat in a circle in the room, talking and laughing until Jimin clanked a glass with a spoon like a fancy bitch to get everyone’s attention.

“Okay first, lets start with Trina! Truth or Dare?” Jimin smirks.

“Dare, obviously.”

“Okay,” Jimin thinks for a few moments, “I dare you to flash everyone your tits.”

“Oh? Is that all?” Trina says as she quickly lifts her shirt. She was already braless. You and Jungkook cackle at the scene unfolding.

“Okay, Hobi…truth or dare?”

“Dare.” He says with an excited grin.

“Dare you to take 3 shots in a row.”

And the night went on like this until it was Jimins turn again,

“Jungkook, truth or dare?” Jimin had an evil glint in his eye, you should of known he was up to no good.

“Dare.” Jungkook says with a cocky smile.

“I dare you to kiss y/n.”

“y/n?” Taehyung shakes you a bit more, “y/n?”

“Huh?” you begin to open your eyes and take in your view. You are in a small bedroom, there are posters on the wall and a small desk next to the bedroom door. And most importantly a Kim Taehyung in front of your face.

“What…What time is it?” you ask, sleep still evident in your voice.

“9:00” he grins down at you. “We’re going strawberry picking today, get dressed!”

You rub your eyes, trying to rid yourself of the sleep that crusted them but it is no use, you are still exhausted.

“I dare you to kiss y/n.”

Why? Why did you dream that memory? You shake your head trying to rid yourself of the lingering dream in your mind. That was a long time ago, time to move on.

You quickly shower and get dressed and meet Taehyung and his parents for breakfast.

“Wow, smells good!” you inhale the air, while smiling sweetly to Mrs. Kim.

“Do you cook y/n?” she asks, looking eager to know.

“Yeah, I do. Well, sometimes.” You laugh to yourself “My roommate is useless in the kitchen so someone has to cook.”

“That’s great!” Mrs. Kim exclaims, nodding approvingly to her husband. “Taehyungs last girlfriend couldn’t even toast a poptart.” She rolls her eyes but then smiles at you again.

Last girlfriend? You don’t recall Taehyung ever having a girlfriend in the time you have known him. Must have been a while.

“Mom…” Taehyung warns,

“Oh alright, we aren’t talking about her. What was her name again?”

“Mom.”

“Okay okay.”

You awkwardly play with your fingers at their back and forth. Who was his girlfriend? Were they dating more recently? Why has the energy shifted so much in the kitchen?

“So you two are going strawberry picking huh? That’ll be fun. Be sure you bring back the reddest, juiciest ones you can find!” Mr. Kim chimes in.

You and Taehyung arrive at the strawberry farm a couple hours later, you two are some of the only people there.

“Small town.” Taehyung explains.

“More for us.” You poke your tongue out. “You must really like strawberries Tae.”

“Actually, no. I’m tired of them.” His laughter fills your ears, you watch as he sways into your side “But it’s still fun and we can take some cute pics here.”

“Yeah, true.” You try to smile brightly but fall short. “Well I’m glad we’re getting some because Jungkook eats all the damn strawberries at home!” Taehyung watches as you giggle and he frowns.

You spend time walking side by side, taking lots of photos, and enjoying one another’s company. The wonderful breeze rushes through you, making you feel alive and well.

“No way! Trina did not do that!” Taehyung laughs so hard, shaking his whole body.

“I swear! I told her she was going to get caught but that bitch does not listen to me.” You laugh alongside him.

“And I swear to you, I was not about to get caught with her so me and Jungkook ran for it. I would rather fucking die.” You laugh again.

“You don’t say that type of stuff in front of Jungkook, do you?” Taehyungs tone becomes serious, surprising you.

“What stuff?” you tilt you head in confusion.

“You know ‘wanting to die’ bullshit. He really hates that because well, you know.”

“Oh yeah, I don’t say that around him, he’s real sensitive about that for some reason.” You laugh awkwardly, swinging your arms side to side as you two walk.

“Well for good reason. Right?”

“Huh?”

“It’s nothing…” Taehyung releases a shaky breath. “It’s not my place to tell you.”

“If it’s about my best friend—”

“Sorry. Not my place.” Taehyung says more harshly. “Let’s just change the subject.”

Your mind begins racing…why is Jungkook so sensitive about that? What isn’t he telling you?

“Don’t think too much about it y/n.” Taehyung says softly. “He will tell you eventually.”

“Oh…” you bow your head down, “Okay…”

“Well, tell me more about you Tae.”

“what do you want to know?”

“let’s start with the basics! What’s your favorite color?”

Taehyung looks up at the sky and hums to himself, “I don’t have one but today maybe it’s blue.”

“You don’t have a favorite color? Why blue today?”

“The sky. It’s so pretty. I wish I could find this exact shade of blue and recreate this sky…” he sighs to himself, “But then again maybe today it’s green.” He gestures towards your top. “Because it brings out the color in your eyes.”

You pause mid walk, tilting your head up at him. “You like green today because I…I’m wearing it?”

“Is that strange?” he stops walking as well, “Because your eyes—”

“Why not choose the color of my eyes?” you tease.

“Because I like what wearing green does to them specifically.” He rubs your shoulder, “Come on, let’s keep going.”

You nod your head and the two of you continue your walk, he takes your hand in his and you smile to yourself. This feels like a real date.

“What are you most afraid of?” you feel his hand grow sweaty in your palm. “Like, for example, Jungkook doesn’t like spiders or…”

“Being left.” He blurts out. “But yeah, not a fan of spiders either.” He chuckles.

“Being left?”

Taehyung walks towards a bench and sits down, you follow his lead taking a seat close to him. He takes a few deep breaths and lowers his head.

“Imagine a parent or a significant other or even a friend…they say they love you and stuff…but then change their mind or something happens and they end up leaving. That’s what I’m most afraid of. Being left alone.”

You bite your lip, you realize he and Jungkook have this in common. Your hand rushes to find his, you gently stroke your thumb over his golden skin. “Someone would be absolutely crazy to abandon you, Taehyung.”

Surprising you, he scoffs.

“I’m serious…you are…just amazing. You’re sweet, funny, caring and kind and you make great art and you have great taste in movies…you also know the best pizza…” you continue to stroke his skin as you ramble, “You have the most genuine heart, Taehyung.”

Taehyung lifts his head to face you, he looks pained.

“y/n…”

“You don’t have to say anything, I’m here for you, you know?” you scoot closer to him on the bench and Taehyung leans into you.

“You’re too good to me…” Taehyung whispers so quietly you barely hear him. “You really think that of me?”

“Of course, I do. You make me feel…” the words die on your tongue when you feel Taehyung cup your jaw with his hand.

“You make me feel….too.” he whispers just loud enough that you hear him loud and clear.

Then Taehyung leans back, his hand dropping from your face, “I have to tell you something.”

“No.” you cut in. Whatever it is it can wait. Because…because you know it’s not something that will make you happy and you don’t want this weekend to be ruined. You just know.

“Tell me another time?” you lean into him, your fingers intertwining with his. “Please…”

Taehyung exhales deeply, frustration written all over his face. He turns in his seat to face you.

“Soon.” He promises.

“Ha, you sound like Jungkook.”

“Do you always find a way to talk about Jungkook?” Taehyung lifts your chin with his fingers.

“W-What?”

Taehyung looks serious for a second before he cracks a smile and laughs, “I’m just teasing you.”

~~~~~

“Wait, wait. So you’re telling me you ALSO love museums?!” Taehyung squeezes your hand in excitement.

“Yeah, they’re really interesting.” You smile.

“Oh my god, all our friends think they’re so boring. Well, Namjoon likes them. Anyway, why haven’t we gone on a museum date? I want to take you so bad now!” His eyes are shining like a child, you can’t help but adore him.

“Then let’s go sometime Tae.”

Taehyung lowers the basket he’s holding to the ground and takes your basket and sets it on the ground as well.

“I really…” Taehyung pauses, reaching his hand to grab yours. “Really had a nice time with you today.

You look down at your joined hands and smile. “Me too, Tae Tae.”

Taehyung leans over and pecks your cheek. It makes you smile.

“What was that for?” you ask shyly. “There’s no people around.” You chuckle a bit bitterly.

“Just felt like it,” his soft smile making you swoon. “Should we head back? My parents will probably be in bed by the time we make it back home.”

“Sure.”

~~~~~

The house is dark and quiet when you enter through the front door. Only the sound of the ceiling fan rotating in cold, noisy circles could be heard. It was oddly calming and made the long day catch up to you.

“Let’s get ready for bed.” Tae whispers into your ear and it tickles.

The two of you head up the flight of stairs and enter the bedroom. You take turns using the bathroom to get ready for bed, once all done you make your way under the covers and slowly close your eyes.

“y/n?”

You turn over in bed to face Taehyung, your faces just inches apart.

“Yes?” you whisper.

“I can’t thank you enough for doing this.” The guilt in his tone doesn’t go unnoticed by you, as usual. “I wish there was something more I could do for you…”

“You’re already buying me coffee.” You giggle.

“I want to do more,” Taehyung gulps “I want to…” he scoots even closer to you, his hot breath fanning your face. You can smell the mint from his toothpaste and his natural scent. It fills your nostrils and you suck in a sharp breath.

“You want to what?” you say with a shaky voice.

Taehyungs breathing begins to quicken, you can feel each rushed breath and you wonder what’s gotten into him.

“What do you want to do, Tae?” you ask again.

You can see Taehyungs tongue dart out to wet his lips and you can’t help but stare. His lips look so plump and delicious, you want a bite.

“I…I don’t know…” he turns to lay on his back. “Can I tell you a secret?” he whispers.

“Sure.”

“I wanted to kiss more than your cheek today.” He turns back over to his side to face you again. “Is that wrong?”

Taehyung wanted to kiss you? Like, kiss you kiss you? You feel happy, yes. But do you feel your heart racing in excitement? You don’t know.

“Tae—”

“Even now, I still want to…kiss you…” his hand brushes against the skin of your cheek and you start to feel your heart beat just a little faster. Finally…

“But,” he pulls backs, “It’s wrong, isn’t it?”

“Why would it be wrong?”

“Because…y/n…I have to tell you some—”

You quickly lean over to seal his lips with yours. Usually your kisses are short and sweet and tender but this time you use more force as you press your lips over his mouth, the kiss sloppy and heated. He instantly kisses you back with fervor, your tongue prodding its way into his mouth and he obliges in seconds, his tongue playing with yours. You moan into his mouth and Taehyungs hands are all over you, they travel into your hair, down your back, grabbing your hips and rubbing your ass.

“Tae…” you whine out

Taehyungs fingers play with the hem of your shorts and you push your hips into his.

“Please.” You beg for more.

“But wait—”

“Please.” You repeat.

Taehyung stares at you for several long moments, thinking of what to do…he wants to devour you, if he had to be honest. But is this right? But he…

Then his eyes go dark, his gaze piercing.

“I’m going to taste you.” He says in voice so deep you even question that its him.

Next thing you know your shorts are pulled down along with your panties and Taehyungs mouth is an inch away from devouring you.

“Gonna make you feel so good.” He groans into your heat, his tongue licking a strip from your hole to your clit. And again and again. You quietly whimper into the pillow as his tongue fucks you.

“More Taehyung, more…” you moan, your hands gripping his hair.

Taehyung smirks up at you and inserts two fingers into your greedy cunt, he curls and scissors them inside you making you weep pathetically.

“That feel good sweetheart?”

Then he’s diving back in, his tongue assaulting your clit until you feel the buildup of your inevitable orgasm—you mean, it is Kim Taehyung.

He gives your clit one last good suck before you are reaching your high, pulling on his locks and moaning at a higher pitch. Fuck, that was good.

“You sound so fucking hot when you come…” Taehyung moves back up the bed as you lay there breathless. “Next time I want you coming on my—”

Taehyung stops himself from finishing that sentence. You watch as he groans into his hands, “I mean, if you want there to be a next time.”

“Of course I do, Tae.” You flip to your side and find his lips. You give him a long kiss, tasting yourself on his tongue. “How could I not?”

Taehyung savors your lips on his, he finds his hands in your hair again as he deepens it. He should feel like shit but somehow he feels…good. And he’s confused as hell for it.

~~~~~

The next morning comes by quickly, you are saying your goodbyes to the Kim’s with promises that you will return soon. And you secretly hope you do.

The drive back to Uni is a slow one, you and Taehyung listen to his playlist and chat every now and then while he holds your hand. You smile like an idiot the whole time.

Taehyungs phone is in your hand as you slide through the music options, you’re about to choose a song when he receives an incoming text.

Anna 10:08am

You think that will work, Taehyung? Try harder.

You slide the message up, trying to ignore it. You don’t want some stalker to ruin the good mood you’re in. But you can’t help but wonder what she is talking about. And why hasn’t he blocked her? You don’t say anything to Taehyung, he is also in a good mood and you don’t want to ruin it. He’s humming the tune from the car speakers and lifts his hand that holds yours and kisses it.

Another hour passes and you and Taehyung are in front of your apartment.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to walk you up?” Taehyung questions sweetly.

“I’m sure!” you stand on your tip toes to kiss his cheek and turn around to walk away.

“Oh no you don’t.” Taehyung chuckles as he pulls you in for a kiss on the lips. Then another kiss and then another. “Now you can go.” He teases.

You break out in a wide grin, and tilt your head up to kiss him one last time.

You walk up the steps to your apartment, and walk towards your front door. What an amazing weekend, you think. You got to know Taehyung a lot better, you met his parents and you two shared an unforgettable night—at least for you. Oh no. Should you have returned the favor? Instead of worrying about it you decide it’s okay, he owes you after all. You chuckle to yourself as you unlock the front door.

You step inside your apartment with a an idiotic, dopey ass smile plastered on your face.

“What’s with you?” Jungkook asks from the living room couch.

“Oh nothing,” You sing, “Just had a really good weekend.”

“Oh? So I guess meeting his parents went well?” Jungkook stands to meet you at the entrance, he takes your bag for you and sets it down.

“That too.” You giggle.

Jungkook cocks his head to the side, “I’m serious, what’s up with you?” he can’t help but smile. You look so happy.

“Nothing we just… we just…” you bite your lip, contemplating on what to tell Jungkook.

“You… just?” his smile begins to fade as realization hits him. Then his face hardens. “Did he fuck you?” Jungkook’s voice is lower than you have ever heard it.

“What?” you choke out.

“I asked if this asshole fucked you?”

“Okay, one: he’s not an asshole. Two: no, he did not fuck me.”

Jungkook visibly relaxes.

Telling Jungkook the truth will probably only upset him for some reason so you decide against it. You don’t need his negativity right now. Finally, fucking finally, Taehyung is crossing a line with you…on the side where friendship is beginning to become blurred and nothing makes you more excited. You have been waiting for this, you have spent so much time with him and and… you need this.

“Okay…” Jungkook leans down and picks up your bag and heads to your room. You watch as he swings the bedroom door open and set the bag inside.

“Wanna order some food?” he calls out, walking towards you again.

“Honestly we got up pretty early this morning so I think I’ll take a quick nap. But after? If you’re willing to wait a couple hours?”

“Yeah, that’s fine. Get some rest.” He smiles, jumping back on the couch and pressing play on whatever show he was watching.

Your bed is so unbelievably soft and warm that as soon as you sink in the sheets your eyes are already closing in exhaustion. But your mind stays awake…you think about the weekend you just had with Taehyung and all the progress you have made. You like him so much, you want nothing more than for him to feel the same way. At least you think you…anyway. You recall his lips kissing down your body, his tongue teasing your thighs, his hands gripping your hips.

Taehyungs dark eyes as he stares up from you is without a doubt one of the sexiest things you have had the pleasure of witnessing. Wait—why one of? Why can’t it be the sexiest thing you have ever seen? Then different images bombard your brain but you’re quick to throw them away. Only Taehyung lives in your mind rent free, god damn it. He ain’t gotta pay a penny.

You think about the light, teasing kisses he left on your neck…you think about his fingers and how they fucked you, god they felt so fucking good. You smile as you think about what else he could do for you…your lazy smile widens at the thought.

Your eyes are still closed and images of Taehyung run wild in your mind as you start to doze off. Yes, you can fall asleep with him in your thoughts. Your body feels heavier and heavier as sleep finally takes over, you welcome Taehyung in your dreams as well. At least you hope you dream of him.

The bed creaks beneath you as Jungkook guides you further up the mattress, his body hovering your own. His hands come to slide up your arms as you shiver under his touch.

“I’m giving you goosebumps.” He says while lightly stroking your arm, feeling each bump under his fingertips. “What else do I do to you?”

“So many things Jungkook…” you heavily breathe out, your chest is heaving at this point. The anticipation of his touch is driving you nuts.

“Need to find out.” He simply states, his head lowering down to the crook of your neck. He breathes you in and lowers himself between your spread legs.

“Can I touch you?”

“Yes, please.” You don’t mean to whimper, but you do. You fucking do.

Jungkook’s slender fingers make their way skimming across your bare stomach until he reaches the hem of your panties. He lifts the band up and slaps it against your skin.

“I want these off, is that okay?”

You only nod your head.

“Words y/n. When you’re with me you use your words okay baby?” His fingers begin lowering your panties down. “Lift yourself for me.” And you obey. Jungkook slides your panties down your legs and you’re left completely naked underneath him.

“God, I can just see how wet you are.” You immediately force your legs shut, feeling embarrassed at his words.

“Not uh, I don’t think so. You got this wet for me? I want to see it. Open for me, baby.” Very hesitantly you begin to move your legs apart, the blush on your face deepening.

The rest is almost a blur. You can recall his fingers spreading your folds, you whining for him to touch more of you. You can recall his mouth hovering your pussy, his tongue swirling around your clit. You can recall his fingers stretching you out and moaning out his name. It’s what came next that is very clear in your mind. Its him kissing your lips, whispering sweet nothings into your ear and his cock sliding between your folds. The desire you feel for him is very real and he can feel that.

“Please, Jungkook!” You gasp out, as he teases his cock at your entrance.

Jungkook slides his gorgeous cock into you inch by glorious inch. His cock twitching inside your pulsating pussy, his harsh breaths fanning your face. Jungkook slams his eyes shut, his teeth gritting in anticipation as he waits for you to give the ok. You only gasp for air as he bottoms out, his dick reaching places no one ever has before, you slowly nod your head giving him permission to fuck you into oblivion. He says he could, so you’ll believe him. .

Jungkook opens an eye to look at you carefully, your face contorted in pleasure showing him how you are indeed okay to go on. Jungkook’s hand massages your hips, his touch setting your skin on fire. He begins to slowly ease out of you until just the tip remains then he slams his hips into yours. His body falls forward and he lifts your head up with his free hand and brings you closer for a wild kiss. He grinds himself into you deliciously, his hips rocking back and forth causing you to moan out for him over and over.

“Please…please.” You pant, rolling your hips into his as you meet his desperate thrusts.

“Please what, princess?” he breathes out heavily, “Told you that when you’re with—” He begins fucking into you faster, “When you’re with me…to use your words.” His pace is bruising, causing you to choke on the air around you.

“Please, harder.” You manage to get out while gripping on to his wide shoulders, your finger nails digging into his soft skin.

Jungkook smirks down at you, his eyes shining with something you can’t quite describe.

“Harder?” he questions, his lips coming down to suck bruises into your neck. “Deeper too?” he bites a particular spot that makes you groan.

“Just—just need more of you…” you grab his hair by the handful and yank his head back and bring his face to yours. Your lips meeting his.

His tongue slips past your lips, tongues dancing to the beat of his thrusts. His cock is buried so deep within you that you feel you are no longer a single person but now a person merged with another. You have never felt more connected.

Jungkook whines at the sight of you—your lips apart and eyes barely open. Your head is thrown back showing Jungkook all the pretty blooming bruises on your skin.

“So fucking pretty.” He grits out, eyes lit on fire.

You’re barely able to respond as he thrusts into you even harder, your tits bouncing with each movement.

“Gonna come soon…” he says between heavy breaths, his pace becoming sloppy.

“Gonna come inside me?” you cry out, your fingernails digging into his back.

“Need you to come with me baby”

You could of came from his cock alone, that you are sure of but when his fingers meet your sensitive clit, you are seeing stars. He’s rubbing messy circles, easily sliding around from how wet you are, his fingers getting drenched.

It’s almost embarrassing how quickly his fingers bring you to orgasm.

You gasp out, voice hoarse from all the moaning and screaming he’s drawn from your body. “Fuuuuuucckk.” You whine, your orgasm leaving you breathless.

“I—I’m coming…” he pants in your ear, his breath tickling your sensitive skin.

He fucks into you quickly before stilling his hips and shooting his cum deep within you, decorating your walls. He doesn’t move. You don’t move. He stays buried to the hilt, breathing heavily into the crook of your neck. You aren’t much better, your breaths also harsh. You look to the nightstand to read the clock that says 4 AM. Fuck, what did you do?

You just fucked your best friend.

Panicked and out of breath, you sit up in bed. Sweat forming on your hairline and dribbling down the side of your face. Why? Why this dream of all dreams? Why this memory?

[jeriafterdark]

General thoughts on 813 so far, aka my musings on ZZH and mindfulness tips

Feel free to skip bc this doesn't contain much new information lol.

On the topic of the recent slanderous article

As of May 25, 2022, ZZH's name is still being smeared, this time from a government news outlet. I won't mention what was in it because it's just more vague slander anyway, and who really needs that?

The author of said article, however, has been shown to be one of CAPA's cronies and has published these highly biased articles before. So does he really represent the government's view of ZZH? I don't really know. But it adds to my assumption that there are many hands in the CN government fighting for dominance/relevance. As much as the CN government likes to emphasize their unity and single-minded party values, I highly doubt it is as unified as we think. As with any government on the face of the earth.

Of course with any outlet continuing to slander ZZH, it comes with a lot of anger. Justified anger. So it was nice to see/hear other people in this fandom expressing their anger at the situation, just to know I'm not alone in cussing it out. The recent twitter space hosted by bluebirdmuppet was a nice thing to listen to :)

2. Helplessness and fan wars

I know a lot of fans have left this fandom because of the extreme toxicity, and the devastating events unfolding from 813 and beyond. And it's fine to leave, as I always emphasize. But I'd like to add a reminder: you're never as helpless as you think. You control your own thoughts, your own reactions to those thoughts, your own reactions to media, and you control the power you give them. Whether to give them the power over you, or to use your precious time and attention for other means. To center yourself again, and then affect change.

As someone who's had to study a lot of cognitive-behavioral therapy, in terms of my own anxiety and intrusive thoughts, it works like this:

You have a thought - it could be a full sentence, a fragment, or a mental image. Let's say it's "how unfair it is for ZZH right now."

Then a feeling - more importantly, it's not the emotion, like anger. It's your reaction. Your heart racing, blood pounding in your ears, tension in your muscles. It can leave you feeling very tired, fatigued. Especially after thinking about how unfair ZZH has been treated.

Then a behavior - You might avoid social media for the day, or treat yourself to some bubble tea, or quit the fandom altogether. Or it could make you desperate and start to believe in the ZSJ conspiracy.

At every step, if you give yourself five minutes to breathe, you can stop yourself from going down a bad negative feedback loop. I think it's normal actually for most people to have the thought > feel stressed > have a nice bubble tea to relax lol. And that's not bad! Some people might practice avoidance to spare their mental health. But it doesn't solve the problem, imo. Some people use their behavioral step to buy GJ merch, or do retail therapy. And that's good too, within your means of course.

I personally feel very sad if all of ZZH's fans turn toxic, or give into the negative feedback loop and participate in damaging behavior (to him and themselves). And also if when ZZH does come back, and I believe he WILL, that there won't be many fans left to support his comeback. That's what concerns me.

So! Here are just some mindfulness tips. The next time you feel a bit sad about the news or overwhelmed (being someone in the USA, yes the gun violence that has happened in the span of one week is horrific), try these things:

Give yourself five minutes to just breathe and take in how you're feeling. Just note that your heart is pounding, that things feel kind of eh. No need to judge yourself for it. Just feel it and let it pass.

Then ask yourself, what happened? Just the facts. Ex. saw an article with some bad news today.

Then ask, what kind of reaction did you have or are you having? Ex. I feel like my heart is beating faster.

Focus on the present moment and focus on how you're feeling physically.

Decide on a behavior. Ex. I'm going to take a walk, or I'm going to listen to some soothing music.

Come back to the topic at a later time when you've calmed down and just take note of the facts, that's all.

I think with the super fast pace of news nowadays, it's very easy to become overwhelmed with hate and spite and sadness. But I want to emphasize that your ultimate power is yours and yours alone. You can choose how to react and what behavior you want to take. And then another step. And another step. It's okay to feel kind of sad and sullen about it, but it's cool that you have the power to slow yourself down. And then speed yourself up when you're ready.

You gotta believe in your own power, or else who will?

More resources on Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy

Practicing Mindfulness

[drarrily-we-row-along]

Veritaserum Prompt Fic (Part 10)

(Okay- I'm not going to lie, I took a little bit of sadistic joy at everyone's outrage and devastation over the previous chapter. But only because I know what's coming. I promise we'll have a happy ending. Anyway. Start with part 1 on tumblr or jump over to AO3 to read the whole thing, if you like.)

-----------------

Harry woke up smiling.

This was not something that had ever happened to him prior to the last week, but now the bed smelled like Draco, and the sun was slipping in through the curtains and warming his face, and Harry was free.

He'd never been this happy in his life.

Rolling over, he reached out, patting the bed and trying to find his lover's body so he could drag him over and kiss him awake.

When his searching turned up empty, Harry opened one eye to look at the empty space next to him. He frowned and cast a wandless tempus: 10:37. Harry blinked and summoned his wand and recast: 10:37.

That was strange, he never slept that late. Although, he supposed it explained why Draco was already up and out of bed, probably already out in his workshop working on whatever potion he'd been brewing the past week or so.

After a good stretch and pulling his hair up into a messy bun on top of his head, Harry made his way to the kitchen and over to the coffee pot. He frowned again when he found it empty and turned to head outside and make sure Draco was alright.

Before he'd gotten more than a few steps, his eyes caught on a piece of parchment and a familiar hawthorn wand laying on top of the island. "No," he whispered, heart freezing in his chest.

(Read more below the cut)

He picked up the letter off the island with a trembling hand and read

Dearest Harry, How can I even begin to tell you all that you mean to me? A less cowardly man than I would have found a way to say it to your face, but we both know that bravery is more your department. You've given me so much, Harry. I could never have imagined falling in love, never imagined that someone might love me in return. But that's why I had to do this, you see that don't you? Not because I don't love you but because I do. I love you with every fiber of my being, with all that I am, and you are mine, Harry. And I couldn't let you pay the price for my sins. I couldn't let you give up everything for me. Granger helped me draw up a contract with the Minister himself, you three certainly have a lot of friends in high places. In exchange for me, they're clearing you of all charges. Don't be angry with her; she just wants what is best for you, as well you must know by this point in your friendship. I know you're hurting right now, love. I know that this is breaking your big, perfect, beautiful heart; it's breaking the pathetic, shriveled excuse of a heart that I have, too. But it will pass, my darling, if you let it. So please, for me, let it go. Let me go. Be happy, be in love, live whatever life you want. Travel. Go to the States and do whatever muggle thing you wanted to do. You deserve the best life. Please know that I will spend the rest of my life grateful for you. And I will never forget the time when you were mine. You are, without exception, the best thing that has ever happened to me. Forever yours, Draco

Harry stared at the parchment in his hand, trailing trembling fingers over Draco's elegant script as his eyes blurred and his breathing came too fast. He clenched the letter to his chest, gasping against the ache of his heart expanding to accommodate the sadness and the sense of loss.

Without another thought he apparated straight into Ron and Hermione's kitchen.

"We thought you might show up at some point," Ron's voice said behind him.

Harry whipped around to see them both sitting at the table, "What the fuck did you do?" he asked, voice low and dangerous.

Hermione sighed, "What he asked us to."

"Why?" he asked before the enormity of this situation hit him all over, the realization that he'd never see Draco again stealing the air from his lungs. He bent forward, putting his hands on his knees, "I can't breathe," he managed, trying to suck breath into his lungs and failing.

Ron was at his side in an instant, easing him onto the floor as Hermione appeared in front of him, "let your head drop between your knees. Focus on a slow inhale, slow exhale," she said and Harry tried to sync up his breathing with hers until his heart stopped racing.

He leaned his head back against the wall and scrubbed his hands over his face. "He's gone," he whispered. Then he opened his eyes and looked at them, "How could you let this happen?"

Hermione looked down at her hands, "Draco reached out to me the day after the trial. He said he couldn't trap you, couldn't force you to live a life on the run again."

"And that he couldn't bear the thought of you getting caught," Ron added.

"We wouldn't have gotten caught," he said derisively.

Hermione shook her head, "Maybe not but what about every other person in your life, Harry? You would have spent the rest of your life separated from them."

"We miss you, mate," Ron added.

He shook his head and swiped angrily at the tears in his eyes, "Then we could have figured something out. It had only been a week!" he protested. "Just one week, we could have-" he broke off and covered his mouth. After a heart beat, he stood up, "I can't be here right now. I can't-" he shook his head, "I can't do this."

"Harry-" Hermione started.

"He asked me not to be mad at you," he said, "but I'm-" he broke off, his hands trembling as he tried to open the door. "I need-" he tried again before simply giving up and walking out the door. He needed Draco.

"Harry!" Ron called behind him but he just kept walking.

He'd come back. He'd forgive them. He knew he would, he just needed a little time.

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However, leaving was actually a seemingly bad idea.

In the 30 minutes after he left the house, he learned that part of the "deal" that Draco had struck with Kingsley involved the Ministry being able to tell whatever lies they wanted to about Draco. Some papers claimed that it had been a love potion, some claimed it was a cursed object, some claimed he'd been imperiused.

Harry stood in front of a newsstand, seething as he read the headlines. How could they have let this happen? How could Draco have signed a contract that allowed for this?

And then he saw it: The Quibbler. Draco and Harry were on the front page, just like every other newspaper, but the article was titled, "From the Wrinkspurts: They're in Love". The world tilted, righting itself slightly as a plan started to form in the back of his mind.

He looked up at the man running the stand who'd been just staring at him, "I need one of everything," he said. "I don't have any money but I'll bring-"

"They're yours," the man interrupted, grabbing papers from all the different piles. He even tossed on one for gardening and one for cooking.

"Err," Harry, "Not those ones," he said, nudging the two irrelevant ones away. "Just the ones about me," he added, "At the risk of sounding self centered."

"Whatever you want, mate," the man said. "They're yours."

"Thanks," Harry said, grabbing the stack of them and concentrating so he could apparate through the Ministry's wards because he simply didn't give a fuck anymore.

There was a sound vaguely like glass shattering as Harry popped up in front of the secretary's desk outside of Kingsley's office. She shrieked and a coffee cup went flying, breaking when it hit the ground.

"I'm here to see Kingsley," he said simply.

A hand fluttered up to cover her heart, "I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Potter, but he's in a meeting."

"Interrupt it," he said. "I guarantee what I have to say is more important."

"I can't just-"

"Look," Harry interrupted. "Just go and ask him. If he tells you to send me away, that's fine, I'll go."

She appeared to consider this for a moment, then she stood up and made her way to the door, knocking and slipping in.

A moment later she reappeared, "Would you mind waiting for just one moment?" she asked, gesturing to the chairs across from her desk. "He'll be right with you."

It was barely two minutes before three people came hurrying out of the room, avoiding Harry's gaze.

Kingsley followed, "Harry," he greeted, "Please come in."

Harry stood up and followed Kingsley in, not allowing himself to feel inferior because of the sweatpants and t-shirt he was still wearing.

"What can I do for you?" he asked.

"Let Draco Malfoy go," he replied.

Kingsley raised an eyebrow, "You know as well as I do that we're not going to do that. It's not possible."

"I thought you might say that," he replied as he started tossing magazines one by one onto the man's desk. "But you really ought to have told them all the same story."

"What?" the man asked with a laugh, "Why? Why should that matter?"

"Because it's going to make the Ministry look even more incompetent when I tell all of them the truth."

He shrugged, "It's of little concern, it won't matter."

"See, that's where you're wrong," Harry replied. "Because I'm not just going to tell them the truth about Draco Malfoy and his heinous treatment by Ministry officials prior to his trial. I am going to tell them everything and I'm going to watch the Ministry burn."

"Harry, be reasonable," he said. "So you tell everyone your story about finding Malfoy in the Department of Mysteries, garner a little sympathy because he was a teenager and now you're in love," he continued. "But it doesn't take much to drag his name through the mud again. To remind people that he tried to kill Dumbledore, to remind them of the cabinet that let death eaters into Hogwarts, to remind people of the lives that were lost because of him."

Harry's veins burned with rage and it was all he could do to keep himself from lashing out.

Kingsley shook his head, "Do what you must, but your story will never be enough."

He let out a humorless chuckle and leaned forward, bracing his fist on the desk, "I got into the Department of Mysteries within a matter of months. Do you really believe that the only information I got was about Draco Malfoy?"

"You'll be prosecuted, if you disclose any information you obtained illegally" he replied steadily.

"I am Harry fucking Potter," he said with a growl. "If you try to prosecute me, you will have an uprising on your hands. Especially after everything I'm going to expose. So good luck with that, I'll enjoy watching this burn even faster," he said, gesturing to the space around them.

"Harry," he said, "You must know that what you're asking of me simply isn't possible," a hint of desperation creeping into his voice.

The corner of Harry's mouth ticked up, "I'm going to win," he said. "And we both know it." He turned, leaving the magazines spread across his desk. "The only question is how much do you want to see burn before it happens." When he reached the door he called over his shoulder, "I'm holding a press conference tomorrow at six." He looked back at the other man, "You have until then to get him released."

On his way out he cast a patronus that he was sending to Azkaban with a simple message. I'm getting you out.

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Okay, friends. There will be at least one more part of this fic (maybe two) but this is getting too long. <3

Part 9 | Part 11