#(i feel like some people become afraid to be creative because they fear it’s ‘not good enough’)

[curator-on-ao3]

Do you write multi-chapter fics in order or do you jump around? And if you do go in order, do you go back to revise earlier chapters as you go or are they pretty much ready to post once you move on to the next chapter?

I love this question, anon, thank you! ❤️

I write multi-chaps in order — which I don’t necessarily recommend because a scene I may be three chapters away from writing will sing and dance in my mind and we’re not there yet. So I will add key elements of that scene to my outline, which actually can be good in the long run because by the time I finally write the scene, the words can flow fairly easily because the scene has been in my mind for so long (with outline memory aids for specifics).

I know some people write out of order, and I’m glad that method works for them. For me, I need the linear nature in which the story will (presumably) be read to inform the writing. As always, though, the best way to write is the way that works for the writer.

In terms of revision, I revise constantly. Little stuff, big stuff. I need the whole story written and edited before posting even the first chapter (with one exception because I knew exactly where I was going and felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t start posting). For me, the revision process can help sharpen things like foreshadowing and key themes. I find revision deeply rewarding. It’s like — I built a home and now I get to buff the floors and straighten the address numbers and make sure the cookies in the oven are done just in time to invite in anyone who wants to share the home I built for whomever might want to be there.

[redwineandtarot]

your life 5 years from now (timeless)

hi! today we will take a look at how your life looks like 5 years from now. this is a timeless reading so whenever this find you, you can read it. we have free will, i am just reading energies so take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. i would love to hear your feedbacks <3

🥀paid readings🥀

Disclaimer: My readings do NOT replace any professional advice. Use your own judgment while making decisions. You have your own free will. Take everything I say light-heartedly. All of my readings are for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.

pick a pile

piles 1-2

3-4

i do not own these pictures

pile 1

In the next 5 years you will reap what you sow pile 1! I see amazing opportunities career wise. These opportunities will come to you because you are stepping out of your comfort zone and working hard for what you want. You will be stepping up your game and leading your life with proudness. You are action oriented for sure.

You may start doing the things you were afraid of before. Because you are in a more action-oriented mode, you will overcome those fears. At first you will do them while you are scared, but as time goes by you will overcome them.

I see such a confident person pile 1!

For a while you may have been on guard about love. This may have been because of a betrayal or not seeing a healthy relationship example (when you were a child etc.). I see that changing. A person will come who is going to change your outlook on love. They are very loving and giving. You may also do charity work with them. While you are action-oriented career wise, I see your lover coming to you. 

I talked a lot about material gains. However you are stepping up your game also spiritual-wise. I said you will reap what you sow. You will and manifesting them will help you get them. Spirit is suggesting you to start manifesting if you don't already. You could do a vision board etc. Whatever feels right to you.

Your intuition will be heightened, like A LOT. Because the card to represent you is the MYSTIC. You will be one with the divine.

At the end of this 5 year period, you will have gone through a massive change. This will lead you to be more confident and be more accepting of yourself. I see you living an authentic life. This massive change will also have an impact on your spirituality.

I talked about you being action oriented, but I still see you preserving your feminine side. You will, thus, have a great balance of feminine-masculine energies, material-spiritual world etc. 

Overall I see you quite content with your life, pile 1.

The area of life going through the most transformation: 6th house What energy you will be in: Taurus Your uranus placement will be guiding for you in the next 5 years.

thank you for reading💕

pile 2

This may be literal or metaphorical depending on your situation:

I see someone’s heart getting broken, or going through something hard. However instead of this wrecking them completely, they rise up stronger than ever. This person I am seeing, uses this experience to create a masterpiece of some sort. To let people know that they are not the only ones going through this. Let them help with their sorrow. And this creation makes the wheels turn: they become someone people look up to, they achieve great success.

The first thing I wanna say is: You will get what you deserve pile2.  

You may have gone through something in the past or recently that affects you now. If not (please do not be scared) I see you going through something heavy emotionally. This thing depends from person to person. You are/will be victimizing yourself a lot. However when you come out of this energy, the real deal will begin. Like I said in the intro; this will inspire you to do something creative, it doesn't have to be related to art/music but for most of you it is. If it's not related to art/music, it may be becoming a psychologist etc.  

From this point on you will have regained your trust in the universe and in yourself. You will start doing whatever this is. For some of you, this is a childhood dream. (This is a confirmation for you to go for it.) Just this heartbreak inspires you to take action on this dream. Whatever you do, your path/creations will help people in some way. And as a result you will gain great success. Jupiter will bless you with happiness and abundance. Because you will be taking responsibility for yourself and will surrender to the divine. 

Spirit again and again tells me that you need to have faith in your dreams, they are coming true in the next 5 years as long as you take responsibility and trust the universe. You just need to be patient.

Believe in yourself pile 2, because me and the spirit really do.

The area of life going through the most transformation: 1st house What energy you will be in: Capricorn Your venus placement will be guiding for you in the next 5 years.

thank you for reading💕

pile 3

Your different aspects find life, pile 3. I see you as a multi talented/multi faceted person and all of your versions are blossoming 5 years from now. You are acknowledging your different versions as a person, and nourishing them throughout these 5 years and in the end these different aspects of you will shine brightly together, I see.

You are also tackling more than one job/hobby at once. Maybe you have a main job and a side job/passion project. Or just lots of hobbies. However you are working hard in general. But this is not just a “work to work” thing. You really do enjoy the things you do. I see you living an authentic life. You probably have lots of goals and are working hard to achieve them. By the end of 5 years you will have achieved great things however after these 5 years I see even BETTER blessings coming your way. It’s like you're at the verge of a BIG breakthrough.

I see you financially well off. However you do not stop. You still try to find ways to make more money and better yourself. I see you as an ambitious person.

If you haven't found it yet, you will find your “personal calling”. Or if you have that sort of thing, you will find other things that will light your soul up. Luck will be on your side throughout these 5 years.

I also see you doing shadow work and healing the deep wounds you have inside. (For some, especially regarding money. Maybe some of you struggle(d) from being envious of financially well off people. ) Whatever it is, you are healing.

You are so grateful for the life you are living. I see you quite content with your life. You are emotionally fulfilled. A lot will happen in these 5 years.

You will find a great balance of giving-receiving, moving-resting, planning-accepting etc. You will listen to your soul and body more as well as the universe.

The area of life going through the most transformation: 7th house What energy you will be in: Leo Your north node placement will be guiding for you in the next 5 years.

thank you for reading💕

pile 4

First of all, I see that you have achieved a great balance in your life. You may be lacking some balance regarding an aspect of your life. I see that resolving in the next five years. Also an issue regarding your personal life. That will resolve too, whether it is connected to your balance or not. 

You will realize your real potential and take the reins. I suggest you to look up your south and north nodes because they will help you get to know yourself more. You will be showing up to the world as your authentic self. I am not meaning that every secret of your will be on display but you are not people pleasing etc. On the contrary you are keeping your secrets and are working in silence. Yes, this transformation will be shocking to most of the people because you won't be telling most of the people/anyone. For example you may want to start a dance class, you will go there in silence and when people see how well you dance after a while they will be shocked because you haven't told them. 

You are not shying away from challenges, pile 4. I see you as a brave person. And I think that’s what makes this transformation bigger and more impactful.

Prior to transforming (or at the beginning), you will go on maybe a hermit mode? You will get all philosophical and better yourself regarding knowledge of any kind. I see you working hard.

You are also standing firm on your ground. When a situation arises, you defend yourself if you know that you're right. I also see this as defending your own life path. I am not saying everybody will be against you or supporting you but if someone talks negatively to you, this won't bother you. Because you are already proud of yourself. So you defend yourself firmly.

A love interest or (mostly) a soulmate will come into your life. You will probably not see this coming but they are coming with so much love and things to offer. For the ones in a committed relationship (and don't see themselves breaking up) this may be about not losing the love and compassion to each other and maybe even taking the next step.  For example if you are in a relationship, your partner may propose to you or you can get engaged etc. 

You overall will be so happy about the life you are living, pile 4.

The area of life going through the most transformation: 8th house What energy you will be in: Pisces Your sun placement will be guiding for you in the next 5 years.

thank you for reading💕

[sparklingcid3r]

wut do u think is the biggest thing each of the brothers worry about the others. like what is darrys genuinely biggest worry about soda and pony? and vice versa?

This is such a creative question so I want to give it all my own creativity, which means I’m not gonna take the easy way out and say anything about Vietnam 🙏

I think Pony’s biggest worry when it comes to Darry and Soda is just being left alone. I might be taking from “Death’s at my Door” but honestly it fits Pony well enough on its own. He’s thirteen and starting a new section of his life in high school. Ik when I started high school I was pretty scared shitless of literally everything. I can’t imagine having to do that and then just a few months later, his parents die. And yeah, Darry can take care of them, but in doing so he sacrifices his role of brother to split it with that of a father. And from Pony’s perspective, Darry just isn’t the same person he was before the accident, so in his eyes he pretty much has lost his brother, at least the part that he was close with (before the events of the book yk yk). But after the book, he knows that him and Darry have come to an understanding, and it makes him way more afraid of Darry dying like their parents or just straight up leaving them. And everyone knows that Pony worships the ground Soda walks on and the air Soda breathes, and after Johnny’s death, he kind of becomes the only one Pony feels he can be the most vulnerable to. They’re so close that they willingly share a bed and discuss things like their parents, Darry, Sandy, etc., and also I have this thought rattling around in my head that Pony can’t sleep soundly if he goes to sleep in his bed and Soda isn’t next to him. Like he can sleep fine on the couch or in the lot on his own, but when he’s in bed he just is constantly waking up and throwing fits in his sleep when Soda’s weight isn’t on the other side of the mattress.

Soda’s biggest fear is honestly that Darry and Pony never reconcile, or that they promise they will and just aren’t able to. He doesn’t want either of them to go no-contact with each other, not for his own sake, but because they really are the only family they got left and family clearly means so much to Soda. Losing everything makes people fight, which makes them bitter, which is no better than dead. But also Soda’s seen sides of both his brothers that Darry and Pony haven’t seen about the other. Soda’s the one helping Darry figure out groceries and chipping in with taxes and the bills, helping them keep their heads above water. He understands exactly why Darry is the way he is, and respects him for making the hard decisions that Soda would never be able to make. On the other hand, Soda’s the one Pony goes to for emotional support. He’s the one who calms Pony down from nightmares, he’s the one teaching Pony how to pick up chicks, he’s the one making sure the gang treats Pony right and not like some baby. Soda loves his brothers so fiercely, them not being able to understand each other just rips him up inside. The idea of Pony and Darry hating each other enough to completely abandon their bond would just ruin him.

Darry is kind of unique enough to say a bunch of general things. Like duh of course he’s scared of the idea of his brothers being killed by a Soc or getting into an accident, anything that happens to them is on him and him alone. But if we’re going to be more introspective, I think the idea that neither Soda or Pony would be able to leave Tulsa—or even have the option of leaving Tulsa—would kill him. He knows that Soda probably wouldn’t mind living and dying in his hometown, and if that’s his choice then so be it, but he knows Pony was made for more than what he was given. It’s why he pushes so hard for Pony to excel in school, because he’s capable of reaching for more than the low-hanging fruit of the East side. Darry knows personally that the grass is greener on the other side, and he wants Pony to live there, not just see it. He also knows that Pony’s a better person than he is and doesn’t have to resort to turning himself into a Soc just to advance, which makes it all the more important to Darry that he gets his kid brother out.

Wow I wish I could have said more, I feel kind of underwhelmed by myself lmfao 😭 but this was great!! Tysm for the ask🫶

[astrangetorpedo]

Julien Baker on learning to articulate joy

by t. cole rachel 2/3/17

“I’m always afraid that the public will scorn songs about happiness out of a disbelief that it is genuine.”

Are you working on a record now? What’s happening?

I am, but I’m always working on songs no matter what. You can’t not be working on a project if writing is how you go about compartmentalizing your life. Everything that happens, every feeling that you have, becomes work. Since the end of 2015—and keeping in mind all the life changes that year occasioned—I was writing quite a bit. I saw a latent theme start to develop, and then I was like, “Oh, well let’s pursue this.” I now have a really good idea of what I want the next record to be conceptually. I think I can be more intentional with it in presentation, if not necessarily in construction. It’ll probably be sonically similar, because that’s the style in which I write.

The stillness of songwriting—knowing when to stop and just be still—is often the most difficult part of songwriting for me. Knowing when it’s enough. Sometimes I think, “Wow, wouldn’t it be cool if we had, like, a full string quartet and a horn section here, making this into an opera?” but then that doesn’t serve the song. You know? Lyrically, I think, it’s better to be thoughtful instead of just vomiting it out.

I’m about to do something dorky, so I apologize. One of my favorite quotes about creativity is from Wordsworth who says something like, “Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of emotions reflected upon in tranquility.” I think that really accurately represents the dichotomy of writing songs for me, especially with my particular writing style. It’s like, “All right, I have an emotion.” I’ll then go out to my garage and vomit out a song that’s essentially just me singing my feelings out loud. This time around I’m doing a lot more refining. Sprained Ankle was really, really raw. Which isn’t to say that’s always a bad thing—it suited that record and those songs—but this time around I’m happy to have more time with it.

That record seemed to come out of the blue and catch people by surprise. How does it feel to be making music with the knowledge that there is an audience now that is anticipating it? Does that change things?

I’ve heard myself say something in the past that isn’t totally precise, suggesting that I made Sprained Ankle only for me. Admittedly, it’s a very self-involved record that’s specific to my own experiences that I wrote as a tool, as a coping mechanism primarily, for what was happening in my life at that point. That’s how I’ve always used music. I grew up writing songs in punk bands and we would have the same conversation regularly, “Oh, this is going to be rad when we play it at a show!” You would imagine people singing along and yelling out the chorus. So you have something that you’re not only trying to say for yourself because you need to say it, but also that you’re saying to the world, even if the world in your schema is this small community... even if your audience is just a basement.

Now that I know the audience is a bit broader, I can’t help but think about that sometimes. Still, the best songs are the ones I just let happen. What is that Rilke quote? That he’s not a creator of art, he’s just a midwife to it? That’s how I like to feel. How I approach making songs isn’t totally different. Often it’s just when something difficult happens to me or I’m stressed out, I’ll just sit down and say whatever my fears are. I’ve been perpetually trying to come to terms with doing Sprained Ankle live for a year, because I’ve moved on from those specific experiences. The emotions, maybe, are evergreen in a sense because you’re always going to have fresh heartbreak at some point in your life. You’re going to have self-doubt, but it feels weird to still be singing about them years after the fact. One of the challenges about playing live has been finding new ways to apply old sentiments.

I always talk about the song “Good News.” I started to get really bothered that I was having conversations with people who listen to my music who said, “That song made me feel better!” but then I’m sitting up there screaming, “I ruin everything I do.” That’s not the kind of self-deprecating rhetoric or mentality that I want to promote. However, it’s also false to pretend like no one ever has these feelings, because people have those feelings all the time and that’s a very real thing. There’s a balance of not having an artifice of hope, but still writing songs that are honest about how I feel inside, which isn’t always great. I finally made a sort of concession with myself about it, so now before I play that song I’ll say, “This song is about when I thought I ruined everything, and now I’m trying to learn that that’s not true.”

It is cheesy and nine times out of ten I wince at myself on stage when I do it, but it’s like I have to do it in order to prove that it’s true, that I mean it. So, with these new songs—particularly the ones that were written about a relationship ending a year ago and I wrote over a year ago—I had to think about what it will mean to play them live and how that might feel. They are thematically appropriate for the record, which will be released in 2017, and obviously I’ve moved on and that’s an amicable situation right now, but it’s still a funny thing. I think I’ve been exploring the stigmatization around mental health and being open and honest about feelings, because that’s basically been my job. Everybody in this music scene is a little bit, I don’t want say “messed up” because that implies there’s something wrong with you, but we all feel a little messed up and maybe that’s why we do art.

I recently read this Alain de Botton book and it changed my life. He said that “Art is there for you when love stops being there for you.” I was like, “Oh my gosh, true.” Yeah, so being honest about those really dark things, like saying, “I feel disappointing, I feel like I’m nothing,” is important. I think about that when I start to censor myself. That was why I ended up leaving “Rejoice” on my previous record. Sometimes you need to inhabit an idea or a feeling in order to transcend it. The thing that you’re most afraid is the very thing you have to be bravest about divulging.

It seems like a more more popular human compulsion, particularly among songwriters, to document our own darkness than it is to articulate happiness. As someone who is known for writing beautifully sad songs, what do you make of that?

I remember a comment someone made about Ben Gibbard from Death Cab for Cutie: “Oh, he got happier and stopped writing good songs.” I was like, “What a grotesque thing to say.” How awful is it that our culture is geared in such a way. I think there’s inherent worth in all art and I never criticize the formal quality of art as long as there is genuine emotion there, but we’ll tolerate all kinds of cheesy heartbreak-related art just because of the subject matter. It’s much more difficult to pull off a joyful song. I’m always afraid that the public will scorn songs about happiness out of a disbelief that it is genuine. I’m interested in talking about joy, but it’s difficult and you don’t want to be clumsy with it. I think of it more as, “I have joy.” That’s a really complex thing to unpack. But I think articulating joy is important. I’m thinking of songs by people like the B-52s. There is this Australian artist called Alex Lahey who was a song where the chorus is just, “Let’s go out and have fun tonight.” It’s almost like you can hear the tongue-in-cheek irony of there’s mundanity in the grind of life and then this person is writing a song that’s just parodying a go-out-party song. It’s really cool.

It’s like it’s somehow less embarrassing to have an emotional meltdown in public than it is to be really honest about your happiness in a non-ironic way.

I think what’s so crazy is that for so many people I know—myself included—it’s this thing of when you’re acutely aware of the suffering of everything around you, it seems like happiness is a lack of decorum. Does that make sense?

For me, 2016 was a lot about learning, both good things and bad. I’m learning a lot about joy—joy as something different from happiness. Because happiness is a temporary space, an emotion, but joy, I think, is something different. It’s like a disposition that you choose to adopt. It’s all right to allow yourself that. I read a lot of philosophy, so I’m always thinking things like, “I want to be the platonic ideal of a human and do what is ethically asked of me by my existence.” Maybe that means not only writing sad songs. Maybe that means expressing joy. I’m still learning how to do that.

We went on a tour and I was reading Ethics by Bonhoeffer because I am a huge nerd and I was just like, “I’ll never be a good person.” Then one of my good friends was like, “Do you think God hates joy?” I was like, “No I don’t, I don’t think God hates joy.” She said, “So, if you have everything to be happy about, why won’t you display that as an image of hope instead of a depiction of suffering, because you can’t get on stage and talk about hope if you have no hope. You can’t go on stage and talk about joy as a destination—not just an unachievable goal—if you have no joy, so let yourself have joy.” You know how sometimes people say a simple explanation to you for something and you feel like a total idiot? I was just like, “I guess you’re right.”

I still struggle with anxiety. For the longest time on tour I would have panic attacks before almost every show. Performing is scary, and there’s a lot going on in there—”in there” being my brain. So while we were on tour in Australia it felt like I was always waiting for another shoe to drop, and when it didn’t I felt like I could just cherish the fact that I’m legitimately enjoying what is happening in my life and I’m excited to talk to people.

I can be a positive force. I can interact with people and I don’t look like a brooding crazy person. I’m smiling, I’m happy, and I’m getting to hug them. There was one show in particular where I was starting a song that there was a girl in the front of the stage who yelled out, “This is my song!” I thought it was funny because I’d only ever heard someone say that when they were at a bar and a song came on the jukebox, but I loved that she said that. I had this really cheesy thought like, “You know what? It is.” It’s not mine anymore. I was like, “It is your song, girl. This is for you. I hope you enjoy it.” She was stoked. Instead of feeling guilty that people like my music or feeling like I don’t deserve it or I haven’t earned it, I’m just happy that my job is that I stand on a stage and I look out on a whole bunch of eyeballs and we get to share this thing.

After the whirlwind success of Sprained Ankle, was it weird to finally be home again and working on music? My biggest fear is that anyone thinks that I’m anything other than amazed and grateful that I get to be a musician. Like, every day I wake up astonished by that. I think generally the amount of reward you get in your occupation mirrors the amount of sacrifice it requires. I needed to take some time to not be a ghost in my real life, to see my family and visit my partner, and just be radio silent for a while.

I write a lot on tour, which is weird because I used to think I couldn’t get into the right head space on tour to write songs, but then eventually touring just becomes your norm and I really have to be writing, so you just adapt. I’ll make little voice memos in the car and listen to them and write lyrics while I’m walking around. Once I got back home I rented this studio space and did a whole bunch of demos. We spent almost 12 hours in the studio every day. Hearing the demos outside of my head was really good for me. I’d been worrying myself by thinking, what if the new songs are too different? What if they are too much the same? What if everyone is disappointed? I felt the weight of expectation start to make me afraid that I couldn’t do it. I was, “It’s all going to be crap, everyone’s going to hate it.” Then once I got into the recording process things changed.

I was recording with my friend Calvin Lauber, who is in a band from Memphis called Pillow Talk. He’s in the scene and I’ve known him since I was 13 years old, and he happens to do recording and engineering as well as just play around in bands. It felt just so comfortable that I lost track of the hours and it was kind of like one of those moments, “Oh yeah, I love just the process of making art and I could stay here for another 12 hours just experimenting and, like, shaping this thing.” It brought me back to the reason why I ever did this in the first place. You have to be able to reconnect to the joy of making the thing that you make. It’s easy to get distracted from that.

I was so grateful that I felt comfortable enough to come back and make my music in Memphis. I moved back here at the beginning of the year to be closer to my family. I love my city. I have, like, Drake levels of love for my city. It felt good to be here. Once the demos were done and I was listening back to some of it, I had this weird feeling. I’m hyper-critical of my own work, which most artists probably are, but I had the strange sensation of thinking,“This is how it feels to be proud of something that I made.” I realized that as long as I am proud and I feel like I say what I want to with the narrative of this record, I am able to separate myself from being so concerned with, “What if people hate it?” Even if they hate it, I’ll still know that I’ve done my best. It’s all such a fifth grade classroom poster—Just Do Your Best!—but that’s truly the best and most profound advice.

Given the nature of your music, do people project a kind of “tortured artist” thing onto you? And how do you circumvent that?

When I’m on stage I try to think about things before I just rush in and say something silly... but I’m also quite silly. That being said, I’m not a Lorde or a Taylor Swift. I’m not someone who is playing stadiums and who has all these eyeballs on them. I don’t think I’m expected to be a role model. I’m not at that level. Still, people often take the slices of life represented in the songs and expand that to represent my total personhood. I think another task of mine is unifying Julien of life with Julien of the record, which often entails saying dorky, cheesy, positive things and making bad jokes on stage. Sometimes it goes over well, sometimes it’s like crickets in the audience and people are like, “What’s going on? This is too much of an emotional pendulum!” and they look freaked out. Then I just play my songs instead of making more lame jokes. I think merely by existing and refusing to give in to the persona of brooding tortured artist, you prove the point of you do not have to be sad all the time. You do not have to be defined by your sadness. I think about these things when I write songs and when I play live shows. I am trying to break the spell, in some way, that when you see someone up on stage singing sad songs that there is more to them than that. Sometimes you can’t help but be perceived as a kind of persona, but why not be a persona that’s actually realistic? I’d rather do that, instead of just posing over here in the window sill with my copy of Rilke and looking really bummed out. That isn’t me.

Recommended by Julien Baker:

Things that are inspiring to me right now...

The novel Gilead by Marilynne Robinson (a recommendation from the ever-wise Lucy Dacus)

The poetry of Beyza Ozer, a poet recommended by Morgan Martinez, editor of Hooligan Mag (an inspiring person in her own right)

The art of Kazuo Shiraga

The bands PWR BTTM and Camp Cope; their music, their social commentary, their unapologetic commitment to change through art, honestly just them as people, all of it

The paintings and zines of Ariel Baldwin, great pal/Memphis-native/Chicago-resident, makes some really provocative and powerful art about healing.

(x)

[asthedeathoflight]

Here’s another one.

I feel like Ajax fights as much as she does because she feels like it’s all she’s good at. If you ask her what the others are good at she could tell you about Cleon and her leadership and kindness and how she’s the reason they have somewhere to call home. How she recognises how good of a fighter Swan is and how she (begrudgingly) admires her creativity in escaping tight situation, her ability to think ahead. She sees how much Cochise looks after them and how she hypes them up and keeps the peace between them all. Cowgirl keeps them laughing and makes sure they all maintain a sense of humour, since the rest of them can be a little too serious and in their own heads sometimes. Fox, who looks up to her and Sean, and Ajax doesn’t quite understand why when Fox reminds her of all the potential of the best of what the Warriors could become. Rembrandt is hers and she’s amazed by her art and her ability to be so sharp and perceptive and how she appreciates that Rembrandt has her back.

But for herself? She designated herself as their fighter and defender. She can’t see anything for herself beyond that. I don’t think she necessarily sees a good end to her story.

I think she and Swan have the same sort of low self esteem, which is why they butt heads because sometimes looking in the mirror is difficult.

(Don’t think about how, Ajax ends up in prison, Swan gets home and Fox is dead. Is it a relief or a desperation for Ajax and Swan that it’s Fox and not them?)

Some of this is in headcanon territory, I acknowledge 😅

Okay so first of all you are my favorite person on Tumblr thank you so much I am honored by your deep and thought-provoking asks. Second of all. You're so extremely fucking correct.

The thing about Ajax that immediately fascinated me is that she seems so deeply insecure. She's constantly agitating within the structure of the Warriors in a way that I think the other characters read as her being ambitious or overconfident but reads to me as just the opposite. I don't think Ajax knows who she is to these people and I think that scares her very badly.

So much of her aggression seems to me like it's actually coming from a place of fear as opposed to anger. Out of all the Warriors she actually seems to be the one most concerned with how much danger they're in. I don't think her repeated insistence that the Warriors could take any gang they encounter in a fight is only coming from a place of confidence. Her immediate impulse to jump to violence says to me that she's constantly aware of the fact that the Warriors could be on the receiving end of that violence just as easily, and as a fighter she very much relies on throwing the first punch. Ajax would rather die than admit this to herself or anyone else but I think when she pipes up with "we could take these wimps" about the Orphans what she really means is that she's a little afraid of them. Also specifically I think it's interesting that Ajax doesn't seem to believe that playing nice will be enough protection for them and what that says about her and potentially her past.

And I think this goes hand in hand with everything you said which is that she can't really conceive of what she has to offer to the Warriors if it's not physical protection. But because she's so insecure and she's not actually the only fighter she has to constantly be proving that she's useful. This is I think at the heart of her beef with Swan, who I think would seem like a very direct threat to Ajax. Swan is just as good if not better of a fighter than Ajax AND she's better at talking to people AND Cleon trusts her more. From Ajax's perspective, Swan kind of makes her redundant. And I think it's fascinating that Ajax's solution to this is to challenge Swan for leadership. When she's at risk of not being needed by the Warriors her answer is to try and make them need her. She doesn't know how to trust that Swan will get them all home safe so she wants to be in charge instead. I think a lot of what Ajax does in the rest of the album is informed by the other Warriors siding with Swan. The fact that they all think Swan is the obvious choice to be leader just confirms to Ajax that they don't really need her.

I don't really have a ton of proof of this but to ME Ajax really seems like she's got some pretty bad abandonment issues which are probably being exacerbated by the fact that she had to leave Cleon behind and thinks she's dead. Which is why it's so interesting when in Park At Night she tries to get the other Warriors to abandon her. She's like FINE whatever you guys don't fucking need me I guess I'm gonna go kill this cop because I'm UNNECESSARY you guys can go catch the train without me i don't CARE. Which is crazy because it so clearly shows that she really has no idea who she is to them? Like she tells them to leave before she even talks to Barnes. She really seems to think there's a chance they'll just... go. I wrote up a whole thing somewhere else about why I think Ajax felt like she needed to go after Barnes in that moment but I think a big piece of it is that she could see how much of a threat he was but she couldn't see how much her presence is important to the Warriors safety. She already says "I'll catch up if I can" in Park At Night. She knows she might not make it out of that fight but she can't seem to comprehend that it might be bad for the Warriors if she just up and leaves them. In her head they've got Swan, so they don't need her.

And finally. I think finding out that Fox died and how would be absolutely catastrophic for Ajax in a way that makes me too sad to think about for extended periods of time even though I did kind of write a whole fanfiction about it. I do not think Ajax is capable of feeling gratitude that she is alive for even one second. I think Ajax believes that the one thing she has a monopoly on is that it is her job to die for the other Warriors and it would be an absolutely unforgivable betrayal of duty that she wasn't there and someone else took that on. Ajax actually seems kind of passively suicidal to me. (she says "i'll catch up if I can" before she finds out Barnes is a cop. She thinks he might kill her, or at least whoever finds him after her might and she still goes after him.) That someone died fighting a cop to protect the other Warriors and it wasn't her is the final nail in the coffin of her having absolutely zero purpose in existence and I think she's going to end up in a very, very bad place mentally after the events of the album.

Haha. Anyways. I've only thought about Ajax + her own feelings of "usefulness" a normal amount, why do you ask?

[dootznbootz]

Hi, what do you think about epic the musical as an Odyssey fan? Just curious

As an Epic the musical fan, I LOVE IT! Everyone's so talented and I love the music style!!! It's super fun and creative and it's amazing that Jay basically writes it all himself!

As an Odyssey fan... It's INCREDIBLY different. To the point where it's more "Odyssey inspired" than the actual Odyssey. But that's the thing. I wouldn't say Jay WANTS it to be word for word Odyssey and I DO think that'd be...kind of hard to do? Especially for Modern day.

It still has most of the "spirit" of the Odyssey though I feel like which is SUPER important. I'm saddened that very few adaptations really "balance" Odysseus' assholery and "goodness". I love "shithead Odysseus" but personally, I'm happy as long as an adaptation keeps to a "family man who wants to go home" for the most part :D (I really fucking hate the whole "Odysseus! The clever, swashbuckling hero who gets all the babes! ...He has a family?!" bullshit. That's very much not him. (He likes shiny things, yes but that's it)

More personal rambles below :D

I think it's interesting that Polites in Epic is more "peaceful" when in the Odyssey, he's called "captain of armies". And the fact he's killed right away when he was one of the last men alive.

Also Odysseus' and Eurylochus' friendship! I think it's sweet in the musical while in the Odyssey, it's quite tense. It gets more and more tense in Epic later on obviously but in the odyssey, it's been tense for a WHILE. Also!

Shout out to Armando Julian! Eurylochus' actor! I see a lot of people talk about Polites, Poseidon, Circe, and Hermes and they get a lot of fanart and love with their songs (rightfully so, ofc!!!) but Armando is really talented and people really sleep on Luck Runs Out! I'm about to become a vocal nerd for a moment. He's got a wonderful vibrato! I really love how he sings "feed" during Full Speed Ahead and "Captain, please" during Remember Them for example. His voice really fits with "speaking on behalf of the crew".

I know most people have a lot of feelings with the Circe Saga but I think that Jay did a great job considering... everything. Book 10 and 12 of the Odyssey are very complicated and I don't blame Jay for not wanting to delve into EVERYTHING with that. Odyssey Odysseus gets SA'd twice and while "I'm Not Sorry for Loving You" makes me worry, I really do think Jay will pull through with how fucked up Calypso's situation while still not having the graphic scenes in the Odyssey. It would be very hard to not only have what was basically an exchange for his men to be turned back to humans but if he interprets it happening throughout the entire year like some readers do, then that's really hard. :'D To truly portray Odysseus' fear of Circe while still having her be morally gray. As she very likely didn't mean Odysseus harm after a certain point but he was still afraid regardless.

Not only trying to not have such disturbing stuff shown in his musical but also, I think Jay was possibly trying to be considerate of Madeline Miller's Circe fans while still trying to show Odysseus discomfort and distress???? 😅 Sounds weird but like, as soon as I heard Circe talking about the nymphs being like her daughters and that she protects them, I thought that. That book is HUGE and I'm sure that many fans of it don't necessarily want to see Circe's "I do whatever I want. I don't need a reason. Woe, Oink be upon ye." as the most likely reason they were turned into pigs in the Odyssey is that ODYSSEUS is associated with them (the boar scar, the metaphors when talking about him in the Iliad, his trusted Swineherd Eumeaus, BOAR TUSK HELMET. Like, that's kind of the animal that represents Odysseus. (even when a spear pierces through a boar's hide, it'll STILL charge as they're that ferocious and determined...Just like Odysseus, a man who should be dead but isn't because of his will to go home. Homer didn't write them being turned into pigs necessarily as a "Men are pigs" thing.

I think the modern shift in how the situation seen today and other media of the Odyssey is why he wrote the songs he did. And considering it all? He did a good job navigating it. I'm very happy with the results!

I have more thoughts probably but those have been stewing in my brain for a while :D I definitely look forward to the next sagas!

[raylangivins]

hi raylangivins im (N20) going through a phase in my life in which im constantly afraid (and probably have reason to be afraid) that im lame, boring, and uninteresting. how do i stop that?

Well to start with, you do not have reason to be afraid, and do not let yourself get deeper into the rabbit hole of your fears. No one on this earth is wholly uninteresting because all people ever are weird. Even the most boring person you can think of is interesting to someone out there. I think feeling like you’re boring is oftentimes a case of projecting your own insecurities onto people and then because you feel like they’re not interested in you, you stop offering them more and more of yourself and that’s when you become truly boring. Someone who lives a mundane life that excites them is still easier to talk to than someone who simply refuses to tell you about their life out of some misplaced sense of shame. As the great philosopher Jemima Kirke once put it, “you might be thinking of yourself too much.” And I’m saying all this from experience. There have been times in my life when I was quite low and felt like everyone around me probably thought I was boring and didn’t want to talk to me, and as a result I closed myself off, but that’s only going to isolate you more. Don’t do that! I know it feels fake and useless to stop yourself and go “no that’s not true, this is probably just my own self-loathing talking”, but unfortunately, you do have to do it to teach your brain to stop listening to that part of itself. Romanticise your life! It is as interesting as you interpret it to be!

Secondly, I think this fear is more indicative of some other thing that’s lacking in your life. Do you feel boring and uninteresting because you’re not doing enough things that excite you? Then try to do those things more! Get into hobbies, meet like-minded people. Tell people in your life about your new hobbies (there’s no better small talk hack than updating your coworkers on some creative class you’ve been taking, believe me). Just be open and chase those experiences. Making your life more interesting is very easy, but you actually have to put the effort in to do it. You have more agency in you life than you’re probably giving yourself credit for.

If the reason you feel boring is because the people around you dismiss you when you talk about the things in your life you think are interesting, then remember that that’s probably their bad personality. People who respect you will be interested in the things going on with you no matter how irrelevant it is to their lives in the same way you probably care about what’s going on with your friends even when it doesn’t concern you or your interests at all. If people make you feel lame on purpose then they are probably people you should spend less time around.

Lastly - and this is going to be so annoying to hear - do not stress, being young just feels like that. A joke I’ve been making a lot recently bc of my 30th birthday is how happy I am to finally be out of “adult puberty” (my 20s), and when I made this joke to my dad he was like “yeah it is like that”, because yeah, it is like that. Going into your 20s you’re still kind of stuck in that youthful expectation that everything in life is a bit monumental and matters so much, and you’re pre-occupied with how people perceive you whether they be friends or strangers, and your perception of yourself is warped by ideas you’ve been formulating about what is and isn’t cool, but those ideas aren’t based on a lot of life experience, they’re based on whatever societal expectations you’ve absorbed. The further along you get into your 20s, and the more you explore yourself, and your interests, and your friendships the more you realise that actually everything in life is very transient. Your life can change drastically from year to year; you meet so many people - some who disappear and some who stick around; you explore so many new identities, and abandon so many more, and it’s all completely fine. And the more aware you become of yourself and the conditions for your own happiness, the less it’ll matter if people think you’re lame. You won’t think so! Just treat yourself kindly, and put in the effort to do the things that you enjoy, and the rest will come. Jenny Slate tweet!

[elaho]

Stardew Valley MBTI x Enneagram: Haley

Following my last post about the Stardew marriage candidates and their MBTI types, I've been learning more about Enneagram, how it pairs with MBTI, and how it changes some of the typical characteristics of each type.

The Enneagram and MBTI complement each other wonderfully, providing greater depth and understanding of how a person interacts with the world [Cognitive Functions] and their motivations why [Core Desire/Core Fear].

Here are my thoughts on the MBTI and Enneagram pairs for Haley.

Haley - ESTJ 3w4: “The Professional”

“ESTJ 3w4s are ambitious people with a sprinkle of creativity. This personality type is goal-oriented and works harder than most. Because of their wing, they go about their tasks in a unique way.” - Personality Hunt

Haley’s Core Desire: To be successful and unique

The core desire of the ESTJ 3w4 is to be successful, using their wing to create a unique path for themselves.

Haley's desire for success isn't stated outright, but her actions and the dialogue about her in-game indicate that she's looking to achieve a certain level of 'societal success'.

However, she doesn't want to 'succeed' in the traditional way of actively working to gain success. Instead, she wants her own success to be achieved for her 'uniqueness'. By channelling her efforts into cultivating and maintaining her physical beauty, she aims to become the perfect trophy wife for someone rich and live a lavish life of luxury.

"Emily's friend had this swimsuit shipped to me from all the way out in Zuzu City. City fashion is on a whole different level, isn't it?"

"Laying out on a tropical beach.*sigh* I think I've finally found my place in the universe."

"This town is so small. It sucks. I have to drive, like, twenty miles to buy any decent clothes. That's why I usually just order online."

"I've decided I am going to organize my clothes today. I'll have to throw out all of last year's styles to make room for the new ones!"

“I wish Haley would get a job or at least contribute to cooking and cleaning. I think she's hoping to marry someone rich.”

Haley’s Core Fear: To be a failure or seen as a failure

The core fear of the ESTJ 3w4 is to be a failure or be seen as a failure, even if they know they aren't. Appearances matter a lot to 3w4s, both in how they see themselves and how they're viewed by others. However, Haley's desire for success goes beyond simple ambition. She seems obsessed with maintaining a flawless standard of beauty: perfectly tan skin, skin-kissed blonde hair, the latest fashion trends, flawless makeup and accessorizing, etc., Whom she associates with is also an important factor in appearing successful, such as having the 'perfect boyfriend' [Alex] and distancing herself from her 'weird' sister and others in her community.

Her behaviour leads many to believe she's just a spoiled brat who was babied by her parents, but in reality, Haley is afraid of failure; deep down she thinks she isn't good enough.

So to ease her own fears and insecurities, she tries to keep up with the impossible beauty standards she imposes on herself and hyper-focuses on how she is perceived by others who have, [in her eyes], achieved success.

Her pride prevents her from being honest with herself and accepting criticism from others when it matters.

“She should take the 'high road'? What's that supposed to mean? You think I'm being a baby, huh?”

“I'll be fine on my own...Thanks for the memories. Why are you still clinging to me? Go live your own life.”

“Haley is too proud to be heartbroken over the divorce... Or at least to show it.”

"My sister is so weird. Sometimes I wonder if we're actually related."

"I'm feeling an urge to go shopping. Ugh! I wish there was a mall here."

"…Well, I guess I used to like Alex. But not anymore! He's immature."

"I've never been to the forest. It's muddy and I could get a blister on my foot."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How Enneagram 3w4 changes typical ESTJ behaviour:

New Strengths

1. Less Extroverted

"ESTJ are already introverted extroverts. The spectrum shifts even more with ESTJ 3w4s. Because of their wing, this personality type will crave alone time and autonomy.

So, expect them to be less social than typical ESTJs. It also means there’s a constant battle between type 3 and type 4 regarding human interaction.

The extent to which this applies depends on the strength of their wing." - Personality Hunt

Examples:

“Um... Yes? I didn't hear you, I'm thinking about something else.”

“Haley is ignoring you.”

“*sigh*...what do you think I should do today? I'll probably take a nap later.”

"I spent 3 hours practicing my signature today. I guess that's pretty silly, huh?"

"The only good thing about winter is that I get to sleep more. I like at least 10 hours of sleep every night."

2. More Interested in Fashion

Type 3s care about outward appearances and type 4s care about being unique, so it makes sense that ESTJs would be more interested in fashion.

Combined with their exceptional cognitive skills at strategizing [Te] and ability to maintain standards [Si], the primary goal of the ESTJ 3w4 is to create a lasting impression with their fashion sense.

Examples:

“Hmm... If it weren't for those horrendous clothes you might actually be cute.”

“Do you wear those clothes every day?”

"I'm going to start writing a list of all the clothes I need for next spring."

"I think I'm starting to realize that clothes aren't the most important thing. Right? I still like clothes, though. I mean, what's wrong with expressing yourself a little?"

3. More Creative

ESTJs are very pragmatic people who look to achieve tangible results in their daily lives. However, the ESTJ 3w4 is slightly different. Their enneagram makes them more creative and future-oriented than typical ESTJs.

As a result, they often have a good idea of what they want their near future to look like and infuse more art and creativity into their goals and lifestyle.

Examples:

“My name means 'field of hay', but I like to imagine it as a meadow full of sunflowers..."

“Wow, look at how the sunlight sparkles on the horizon! I bet the sunsets here would make for an amazing photo. I have to remember to bring my camera next time.”

"I felt like I had no direction in life before I met you. Now I have exactly what I want."

"We've got to make sure the farm is cute! That might be important… right, honey?"

“I cooked dinner last night. It actually turned out okay! But I did make a huge mess in the kitchen..."

"Hi, honey. Hey... I have an idea... I want to get everyone together for a charity cake-walk. Uh... It's kind of like musical chairs, but everyone wins and gets cake! You'll see...”

4. Status Conscious

"Type 3 is overly interested in what people think of them or how they’re perceived. This interest drives them to preserve their self-image. It also goes side by side with their need to look fashionable.

This has its advantages. ESTJ 3w4s are more likely to be noticed first. This can aid their careers." - Personality Hunt

Examples:

“Emily's friend had this swimsuit shipped to me from all the way out in Zuzu City. City fashion is on a whole different level, isn't it?

"This town is so small. It sucks. I have to drive, like, twenty miles to buy any decent clothes. That's why I usually just order online. What?”

“Hmm. What brand is your shirt? Oh. Um, never mind.”

"You got Haley to marry you, huh? I always figured she was out of your league!"

"I'll admit… I was a little jealous when you and Haley got married."

5. More Sensitive

ESTJs aren't known for being sensitive. They are Thinkers first and foremost, making them less sensitive to emotions and feelings [of others and their own]. Using logical reasoning, they prefer to communicate in a straightforward, matter-of-fact way that can often make them overly blunt, tactless, or dismissive.

ESTJ 3w4s are different. While they retain their inner logic, they are much more tactful and emotionally aware than typical ESTJs.

Once she connects more to her Introverted Feeling [Fi], Haley begins revealing the more sensitive, thoughtful, and empathetic part of herself. However, ESTJs tend to be very private about their innermost feelings and desires, so they only open up to people they are close to and trust.

Examples:

“Did you see last night's episode of 'Tears'? *sob*... I can't believe Kyle and Amy broke up...”

“Yesterday I found a seagull with her wing caught in a net. I set her free, of course. She looked so helpless, the poor thing.”

“...Maybe [my great-grandma’s bracelet will] wash up on another shore. I can't bear to think of it at the bottom of the ocean.”

“Fall is kind of sad for me... everything is dying.”

"I talked to my sister for a while last night. I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. You know, Emily's not actually that weird. I guess we have more in common than I used to think. Don't tell her I said so."

New Weaknesses

1. Can be Self Absorbed

"[Being an ESTJ type 3 with a] type 4 as a wing comes some weaknesses. One of them is the tendency to become self-absorbed. When stressed or unhealthy, ESTJ 3w4s might become wrapped in their bubble.

During these periods, they might become hypersensitive to any situation they find themselves. It can make them feel really special or cursed. Regardless of how they feel, it can make their loved ones feel like outsiders." - Personality Hunt

Examples:

“I feel the urge to go shopping. *sigh*”

“Your name is Farmer, right? I keep forgetting.”

"I wish someone would bring me a peppermint coffee. Don't even bother, I know you won't be able to make one."

[Spouse Flower Dance Accept] "*sigh*… My days of being Flower Queen are over… so it's a bittersweet dance for me."

"*sigh* I could really go for a cupcake right now. Do you need something?"

"I'm feeling an urge to go shopping. Ugh! I wish there was a mall here."

2. Competitive Streak

Type 3s are competitive people and while this can be admirable, it can also get out of hand. Combined with Haley's desire to be unique, her competitiveness comes out when comparing herself to the farmer, especially in the beginning of their relationship.

She constantly critiques the farmer's choice of clothes, profession, and even their smell. She is especially ruthless towards the female farmer, implying that Haley views her as competition.

Examples:

“Nice shoes. Are those made out of plastic?”

“Nice makeup. Or wait... Are you even wearing any?”

“Hmm... If it weren't for those horrendous clothes you might actually be pretty... Actually, never mind.”

"Don't you get tired of running around on that farm all day, or whatever it is you do? I couldn't stand getting all dirty like that. You probably get a nice tan, though."

“Getting the perfect tan is an art form...It's kind of like toasting a marshmallow... you have to rotate the body just right.”

"Ew, you're all dirty."

"Do you wear those clothes every day?"

"Hmm… Something smells weird…You've been working on the farm, huh?"

3. Excessive Focus on Self Image

"As stated earlier, self-image is important to ESTJ 3w4s for good reasons. However, when this is taken too far, it can cause problems.

This personality type can become too focused on self-image that they prioritize over anything else.

Thus, they may have fake lives and lie to seem more appealing. This can affect their personal relationships. ESTJ 3w4s need to sort out what’s most important." - Personality Hunt

Examples:

"Maybe I'll donate some of my skirts to a charity this spring. I mean, I do have over 1,000 skirts."

“Is that a grass stain on your knee? Sorry, I'm allergic to grass.”

“I've never been to the forest. It's muddy and I could get a blister on my foot.”

“My sister is so weird. Sometimes I wonder if we're actually related.”

4. Eternal Battle for Self-Identity

The conflict between type 3's need for image preservation and networking and type 4's need for independence can create a life-long inner battle for the ESTJ 3w4.

This can lead the ESTJ to wear facades for long periods, and if left for too long, cause them to lose sight of their core values and what they really want in life [especially if they get disconnected from their Fi]. In extreme cases, ESTJ 3w4s can spend their entire lives trying to discover who they really are.

Examples:

“I need to find some kind of hobby other than shopping. I've decided I want to expand my horizons. Maybe I should learn to play the mini-harp?”

"Shopping just doesn't sound as fun as it used to. What's happening to me? Hmm..."

“I should start reading some books instead of magazines. It's good to learn things, isn't it? I only ever look at the pictures.”

“I never thought I'd say this, but the country lifestyle really suits me.”

------------------------------------------------------------------

Conclusion

Haley is one of those characters that, whether players love her or hate her, has more going on than what first impressions imply. We're first introduced to her as a mean, shallow, self-absorbed, spoiled brat of a 'princess' who only seems to care about her tan lines and when her next shopping trip will be.

However, once we get past her 'mean girl' facade, we see someone deeply afraid of failure or being labelled a failure. As a result, because she tries so hard to keep up with trends and outward indicators of 'success', Haley doesn't really know who she is and what she wants out of life.

Her friendship with the farmer helps her to get more in touch with her Introverted Feeling [Fi], her weakest function as an ESTJ. Once she does, she begins to define for herself what it truly means to be successful, regardless of external standards or expectations.

She starts to find meaning and purpose in embracing nature, getting into photography, and helping others in her community. She even organizes an entire charity event by herself, infusing her creativity and passion for cake into the event to raise money for Jas’ and Vincent’s education.

"Hey! Oh, good, you brought the cake!.. It's a pretty good turnout [for the charity cake walk], huh? Thanks everyone for joining in. We raised over 5,000g!... It was a big success! Thanks for helping out, honey.”

She comes to cherish the town she was once so desperate to escape from to be successful, and instead, finds meaning, value, and joy in being a part of her tight-knit farming community.

"I used to complain about this town being so small, but I've grown to like it. If it was much bigger it wouldn't feel like a community."

"I felt like I had no direction in life before I met you. Now I have exactly what I want."

Do you agree that Haley is an ESTJ 3w4? If not, what type do you think she is? Let me know your thoughts in the comments :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------- References:

Personality Hunt: ESTJ 3w4 - The Complete Guide

[vanillaxoshi]

Boom badabim bada pow

Welcome to septuplet au! Also now called injuries matter au

Where i make the elements into siblings but despite this being done but a bunch of people let me make this my way or-

Maybe a similar way ig

What you see above is Cahaya and daun

There aint no way Cahaya will become just fine after being hit on the head and the abdomen or gut by a giant hammer and flew thhrough metal floors? Ceilings? (I know this happened to boi but dont drag him into this. this is also a septuplet au he aint included but dont u dare get ideas👹👹👹)

And he got thrown to space twice, very high or low temperature causes dead cells and stuff (welcome decayed skin)

So- yeah, he got into a longer coma so to speak, perhaps the actual logic into this is death but lets not get into that and just do 2-3 months folks

According to google said symptoms for frontal lobe damage are:

Weakness on one side of the body or one side of the face, Falling, Inability to solve problems or organize tasks, Reduced creativity, Impaired judgment, Reduced sense of taste or smell, Depression, Difficulty controlling emotions, Changes in behavior, Low motivation, Poor attention span, being easily distracted, Reduced or increased sexual interest, Odd sexual habits, Impulsive or risky behavior, Trouble with communication

And vocal chords get damaged with cold temperature so-

Kk, hes not completely incapable as he heals overtime(note: not completely), but trauma with the dark :> oh how will that help if he doesnt sleep well :)

(he uses sign language if he needs to stop speaking)

ALRIGHT moving on to air

Dude got his arm melted off by roktaroka i think thats his name, which very much hurt because lava, is still slow, which meant it was slow and painful, and with it being put on ice immediately (yes this situation summoned ais) it left quite a huge mark

And he also cant keep the ice hand for so long so bros ambidextrous just uses left the most now, might have trauma from long distance attacks and perhaps hot temperatures, so you could say api is trying his best for air and that goes the same for air to api

LETS GO DAUN

Yes he gains a type of inferiority complex so he has to be included and does his best, but not only that, he gains lightning scars from kirana, on his hands, so he has trouble controlling those hands

They will randomly end up shaking sometimes, and randomly drop as in become paralyze, this resulted to a lot of things to become broken, and this is where daun feels bad for gaining this problem, and at times might hurt like theres still lightning striking him

OF COURSE petir feels bad and blames himself for getting caught like that haha-

Bro also got caught or kidnapped three times he blames himself for repeating that situation a lot.

ANGIN well, i know the fandom makes him love yaya's cookies, but imma be honest here, those things basically drugged him into drugging everyone, he for sure gained fear of those cookies. That made him out of it

Buuuuut what if as well he has a temptation to eat it at times, despite his whole mind not wanting to, so when he does end up eating it he becomes nauseous and vomits :)

API doesnt like seeing fear in peoples faces but that never washes away bc of his anger issues that causes people to be afraid so lets go low self esteem-

Tanah wants his brothers to be more better so thats why he shoves all responsibility onto himself but that also causes trauma!!!

Hes so afraid of losing them that he became very strict which causes to some arguments but he also tries his very best to look tough and be more capable, but there are times where its obvious like with movie 2, api and air try their best to help him despite him pushing them away and being in denial. Gopal was the one who did end up calming everyone down

Angin is the one who sees him always and is always the one who conforts him

Petir feels even more down knowing that hes the oldest and that he should be the one to take that burden of responsibility.

And yeah i might add more but who knows

[audistorium]

How I Even Got Here: A Letter from Lemon to Hopeful Creatives

This is going to be a lot. But maybe that's why we(I) made a tumblr. This is a place stories like these can be told.

Four months ago I was not a showrunner.

Four months ago I had no idea what to do.

Four months ago I had little to no friends in Audio Drama as a whole. There were a small handful of twitter people I knew, and I was a ghost in a few discords because I was afraid to ask anyone anything. But.. I was mostly riding solo.

I spent several years learning nothing but sound design after becoming completely enthralled by The Sandman. Shortly after I found SCP Archives and indie Audio Dramas that blew my mind.

Yet even with all that time making soundscapes and learning the intricacies of sound design under my belt, I still felt that gnawing imposter syndrome of creating a show. I've now learned this is pretty widespread in AD creators. Funny how that works, isn't it?

Who was I? Some broke kid from Arkansas that's fascinated by productions of sound and theatre of the mind? A less than well known comedian that wanted to tell the weird tales that manifest from nothing in my brain? I guess in the end that didn't really matter to me. I wanted to tell the scary stories that popped into my head and combine them with later episodes that tell funny ones. An interweaving web that I couldn't get out of my head until I brought it to life.

I talk about the night I uploaded my first episode a lot. My hands were shaking. My heart was nearly beating out of my chest and my face was buried in my palms for a while. I ended up saying "Fuck it." and hit upload. I sat there for a while just watching the episode pop up on different platforms one by one.

There it was. The thing I built up and wrote and worked my ass off for so long for. "What now?" I wondered.

I sat there for an hour kind of looking at the Spotify cover art that had been done well over a year before this point. Yet somehow it felt more real now. More tangible. This was something I could hold in my hands now and say I created. That was an unreal feeling. It was even more mind bending to think that this was only the start of the journey.

I got on Twitter that night and posted about it. It did not take long for someone to reach out. That person was Jesse Hall. Someone who showed me enough kindness to say all of these things that spelled out to me: "Hey, there are communities out there of people that want you to keep making these"

I ended up finding my home, The Liminal Lands discord. A show hiding out in a discord for another show. The thing is, though..

There really WAS this sense of community in it.

Since that point I have been in shows that previously I was only a fan of. I have met people that have been doing this for like 10+ years that treat me as a peer. I have other friends now that are also new showrunners.

I've been asked to be the sound designer in two different productions that are aiming for Tribeca. How nuts is that?

While it does mean my own show has to wait a second, this is incredible that people actually want to involve me at such a level when I feel like the biggest imposter in the room.

It has not been an easy past four months. Not even remotely. I wrote, voiced and sound designed episode 2: Lemonal in 24 hours because I felt like I needed to tell that story. It was one that was very personal. I've been able to share experiences of helplessness, death and fear. But also personal growth.

Soon, of my own humor.

I can put all of myself into this and I never have any intention of stopping that.

Four months later, I am a showrunner. I am the writer, sound designer and often one of the voice actors in my own show.

Four months later, I am confident in what I am capable of, and I am extremely proud of what I've been able to do because so many caring people pushed me and told me that I can do this. That If I stop punishing myself and telling myself my work is bad, I'll learn to love it more. So I did.

Four months later, I have friends that I would not trade for anything in the world and I think that things are only going up from here.

If you stumble across this as a hopeful creative, and you're not certain that you can accomplish what you want.. Well. Look at me.

I had nothing and no one. Our very small budget got us 3 covers and published. Good enough.

Now I have people that care enough to make me better every day. People that just want to be involved in what I made. That is extremely cool, and nowwww, every time I make something new I improve. I couldn't ask for anything better.

Take the leap. People will help you. People will support you.

I promise.

[theambitiouswoman]

Hi sweetheart <3

I’m having a bit of a mental dilemma at the moment...when I was a kid, I thought conformity was key and really let my shyness sit in the forefront for most of my life, thinking that was what my family and society wanted from me.

But now that I'm in my early 20's and have to make a career decision I can't push this feeling down any further. I know now that I'm meant to live my life more publicly and really go for things creatively and in the entertainment field. It feels completely undeniable that I really do LOVE the spotlight, and the right place for me is in entertainment - though I'm too embarrassed to act on it. How do I become comfortable with truly being seen...whilst also feeling my loved ones judging me for it? 

Sending all my love xoxo

Hi babygirl 💞

It is great that you've realized your passion! It seems like you are ready to embrace it, but are worried about how your loved ones will react because they might have different ideas? Embracing your true self and pursuing your dreams is a brave step. The key is to first accept and love yourself for who you are and what you want.

Talk to your loved ones honestly about your dreams and why they make you happy. They may come to understand and support your dreams, especially when they see your dedication and happiness. You may feel guilty for disappointing them. You may still have some doubts because it goes against everything you were taught to believe. Self doubt, family expectations, fear of judgement, risks.. are all normal feelings when we are venturing into something new and different and really creating a life for ourself. Like I said, pursuing your dreams takes courage and we will always have these mental hurdles to overcome on the way. But we have to want things so much, that our fear doesn't matter.

Getting comfortable with being seen, especially in careers like entertainment, can take time. Start by accepting and liking yourself for who you are, including your desire for attention. Try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Build up your confidence by practicing and learning more about what you love to do. You can begin with smaller audiences and gradually work your way up. It's important to remember that everyone starts off as a beginner and everyone makes mistakes. Just put yourself out there. Do not be afraid to be your authentic self. You can't live your life for other people.

Follow your heart <3

[monsterfloofs]

For the ask thing, anything you are excited for lately? Can be anything at all!

(Recently I got excited for the new Zelda game and wondered if anything has got your brain buzzing with excitement as well.)

Thank you for reading and I hope you have the loveliest of lovely days! 💕🌷✨

Oh hi! That is so lovely to hear that you got a new game, I hope you enjoy playing it! ( ◜▿◝ ) That sounds like a fun time I wonder what the new mechanism is for this game! = O I know there is one game where people were building some insane looking stuff! XDDD

Oh gosh, for me aaaah hm! I can't really think of anything right now that I am excited for! o.o ) I do have a... number projects cooking on the mental griddle at the moment! (So many pancakes...) I have a secret project I have been apart of >:3c as well as, working on too many half baked story wips x-x ;; ) I start them and then I ramble off elsewhere aaaaaaa sjdjdjdsj there is one I want to finish because it was from my design a monster / story with emoji and I am really liking how it's turning out. I am trying to experiment and put more creativity into the prose itself, I also have a friend acting as a beta reader. (Which I have NEVER had before, but has been a fun experience!)

Putting a read more because I ramble!

Let's see... is there anything else I can think of...

I have books out from the library, but I have been reading other books instead. orz I relistened to an audio book that makes me laugh because of the how silly the characters are. I been laughing... AGAIN about this particular look in gothic fashion that I have deemed "Just rolled out of the coffin," where it's, as the name says, looks like a very groggy looking vampire who just woke up. So I am wrestling with myself to not throw more on my plate because gosh I really want to draw Lawrence in that. XD (I also wanna draw Lawrence in a t-shirt with the picture of Noseferatu flicking the lights from that one time in Spongebob but PPPPPFFF)

The same beta reader friend is trying to convince me to work on that story again and AAAAAA that story is... such a... double edged sword to me, personally. On one hand at the time of finishing it, it felt like it was the best story that I have ever written. On the other, HOW DO I CONTINUE THAT?!?! D: How do I keep making it that way? And then anxiety hit and I froze over and couldn't bring myself to continue it because the fear of... messing up. And not sure where to go forward and being afraid I would spoil the story if I did skdjdkdkekd

There's a lot of things I would like to work on. o-o ;; ) I really gotta find a way to organize myself better between art and writing and just, creating in general. That and trying to restablish my art on different art websites has been stressing me out lately. ;-; ) I deleted almost all of my art off of instagram... which was almost 550 pieces of art, drawings and doodles.And realizing that place held 5+ years of my art journey and I had just deleted it was... hard to take. Still kinda mourning that and trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces.

Ahah! Sorry! People chat to me and I chatter back... A lot =u= ;; ) Sorry for the paragraphs! I don't usually go on and on like this, I mean I do on tumbly, I don't really feel like I pop off like this much in person. It's kind of funny and amusing to me that once I am here I become such a chatterbox!

I guess all my buzzing thoughts need to go somewhere sjskdjdjs

Ah yes, exciting things, I have things that I could be excited for once they get a better level of polish... I told you about the life things. Uhh, wracking my brain, the last thing I was kinda excited for was that I splurged and bought a pajama set from a small creator that I really love. They have a lot of cute spooky patterns and things. And this piece was from their Valloween collection which had ghosts, hearts and bats on it. 👉👈 (I also bought the cardigan with the same pattern when it first came out because it was love at first bite-- I mean sight! x//D This is the place I splurge on when I want to treat myself to cute spooky clothes. Gosh I wish the plague doctor button up came back in bigger sizes again. ;3; )

[theoxenfree]

And all those feelings will take time to settle, time and effort, and they'll never vanish, but you grow around them. Like you say, you're setting yourself free to start healing.

It's downright horrifying to have such a large part stripped away, no matter if it's done good or bad for you. Part of the beauty of the future is that it isn't set in stone, being afraid of who you'll be without could be what it takes to start working towards becoming who you want to be.

In the end, you have a say in that. And that's both scary and wonderful <3

I'm certain you already know all this, you strike me as very intelligent, but sometimes hearing it from someone else can be, in my experience at least, a much needed confirmation when your own thoughts are scrambled.

As much as I'm obviously shy - hence why I'm on anon - I've long wanted to try working up the courage to interact with you. Although an online friend can't substitute having someone you can meet in the flesh, having more people to chat with rarely hurts right? Respectfully giving you a thought hug, deep breaths, you're incredibly resilient to have gotten this far even if you shouldn't have had to be, this too will pass. I sincerely hope you can slowly start to build the life you want to live from here.

the chances of me having anything completely "normal" in this lifetime is pretty slim, even with therapy, because the damage has been done and twenty-five years of deep-rooted trauma and resentment likes to hold on pretty tight. but, I want to believe now that I still have a life worth living and that I deserve to find the comfort and peace in my life that I've never been able to have, or find, or believe I was capable of having.

I want to believe that I'm worth being loved and that I am capable of returning it to others in a way that doesn't become sour and destructive. I want to believe that intimacy doesn't have to be scary and that, someday, I'll find someone with the level of understanding and patience that I need.

but, you're right. the future isn't set in stone and it's up to me to decide what happens going forward. I feel like I've been going in the same circles all my life. over and over and over. digging a deeper hole in the ground without ever getting anywhere.

I am highly intelligent, extremely intuitive, robust, creative, passionate, and driven. I've pursued many things in the face of fear, and I'll have to do it again, just on a more... complex scale than any time previous. and I'd be a fucking liar if I said I know how to go about moving forward, or that I'm not scared.

but, I've known for a long time that I was probably never, truly going to be able to get where I wanted in my life unless I confronted those old beasts and wounds, and now that I have, well, the challenge becomes knowing that I can't hold myself back anymore from trying and doing.

I think I'll get there. it'll take time.

I don't know who I wanna be just yet, but I'll hang onto my spite and rage bc there's still a whole hell of lot to be pissed off about in the world right now

anyway, thank you for reaching out and talking to me despite feeling shy. your words give me courage to feel that I've done the right thing for myself, and, hopefully, for other people in his life. I accept your hug wholeheartedly 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 ilu, my dear

I know that some folks who follow me have been through similar things. and I'm so sorry. from the bottom of my heart, you have all my searing rage, my anguish, my love, and all the strength in my soul and bones

I know some of you can't speak, won't speak, or don't see the point in it, but just know you've always deserved better, you still do, and it's time to try to live the lives that we all deserve to have

[at-the-end-of-time]

This is a dark premise. What made you want to write something like this? /noff

First off, I'm stealing /noff from you, I haven't heard that one before jfndnd

Second, I will put below the cut cuz this one's a bit heavy.

I've struggled with things like death and my place in the world for a while. I like to think I know who I am, what I'm about, and what I want to do, but I also know that I'm capable of so much more, y'know? So do I persue storytelling like I've always wanted, or become a biologist? I know I'd enjoy both paths, but which one is more fulfilling?

Not to mention, I've been outrunning death from some of my own earliest memories. One of my most formative memories is in one of those pools where lifeguards can control how big the waves are, and I followed my dad to a deeper part of the pool to get his attention. When he didn't even realize I was there, I pushed further, until the waves grew too much and I couldn't touch the bottom. I remember the feeling of water filling my lungs. I woke up on my side, and my parents were filling out paperwork with the lifeguards. Whoops.

I've got so many bad experiences 🥽 ng that it's a wonder I'm not afraid of water. In fact, swimming is still one of my favorite activities.

In middle school, I got diagnosed with Graves Disease. First of all, great name /sar. Second, mine was so severe that my resting BPM was 160. Granted, I was in middle school, so that's not TOO bad, but even still a normal resting BPM would have been between 120 and 140. My running BPM got up to 230, sometimes 240!

I'm finally out living it now in my 20's, but I thought I'd have this stupid disease for life.

Also in middle school, I became clinically depressed, which spanned into high school and even made me suicidal for a bit. I made it, but it was gruelling.

In 2023, for my creative writing class in college, I wrote an ode to death that, when voiced, is about 8 minutes long. Still one of my best works.

Throughout everything, I've always been morbidly fascinated with the idea of death. If not dead today, right now, what would that mean? What would happen? Exploring those thoughts has sometimes been terrifying, and other times comforting. Terrifying because I'm worried I'll have missed my shot, and comforting because I know I'd be missed, y'know?

This particular story came to mind because of modern politics and the 5 different genocides happening globally. Why can people just stand by? How? When the greenhouse gases kill the earth, is it possible to escape? Will Earth recover?

And from there, I just combined the two.

Existentialism, fear, love, terror, death- all things I'm fascinated by in different ways, combined into one giant exploration of what it means to be alive. How DO you find the will to keep living when, ultimately, nothing matters? The ship WILL be sucked into the black hole. You can't outrun death forever. So do you just give up and surrender to it, or do you keep fighting for as long as possible? Why should you?

All that and more, I guess.

[sketch-guardian]

I'M SO HAPPY YOU LIKE THEM TwT 💕💕💕💕

When I made the original ask I realized too late that I didn't explained why the witches were such a problem but then again, the question was getting long and I got nervous about it so I skipped it, but now that I'm actually drawing the kids and explaining their histories it was necessary at some point.I love explaining how their hybrids forms work and I'll get more details when I reach the youngest ones (you're free to guess who are them if you wish) and yes Aurelia is going to become the new "mom friend" once they get better because right now everyone is anxious

Zarala is one of the original ones I made, I wasn't going to mention any them because it would be too confusing but I couldn't resist with this friendship, actually the fankids for the RAD classmates and new exchange students came way later, I had the au for about three years but I just recently made them this year because I'm normally afraid of making fankids of someone's oc because it's like "is it rude?" "Do I even have permission?" "Will they even like it?", people don't usually like fankids at all so that's what is always stoping me, this time I decided to risk it because I really like your oc's and as I read more about them I started to see them as part of the cast so it felt weird for them to not be in the au and well, here we are now -I almost cried when I read you liked them-

I'll probably start posting the au after I finish drawing all the kids but I want to send them all to you first (only the ones from your oc's) because you're the creator of their parents and I want to hear what you think about them first :D

Also yes! I love the mental image of Aurelia and Lionel playing while Zury and Uriel are just standing there awkwardly, I had a similar one with Demya and Domnra bickering in the background and Azul silently laughing because their kids are playing together and Nikolai is clinging to Azure AND Kabir with a happy Mobim following them around (bonus when Kabir let's them sleep in his nest)

Don't worry☺I sometimes forget details that I would have liked to add to my headcanons and only think about them later as well🙈or I omit them out of fear of writing too much and consequently bore people😥

In your case and others who send me asks, I like reading details, so I don't mind😌it's gratifying to know my OCs interest some people actually😳even if not many🙈💜

Also I don't find the idea of ​​fankids offensive, as long as it is mentioned that I created the RAD classmates and the New exchange students, I don't see where the problem would be🤷🏻they are original ideas and I like to see other people's creativity✨stuff like asks and fanarts are welcome in my blog💖moreover I'm grateful that you feel like my OCs are part of the cast😭💕(don't cry because I like your AU, please😂🙈-).

I'll wait patiently for the rest of the fankids then☺I'm curious to see the other members of your Obey Me Prophecy AU too and I'll try to reblog as soon as you post them🎉(regarding the idea of ​​Zuri, Uriel, Demya, Domnra and Azul, I agree, it's very plausible🤣)

[doughguts-art]

I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T BEEN FOLLOWING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME.... I'M A JOKE OF A MAN...... Okay okay okay not gonna reblog to the last one again cuz I'm not one to make super long threads, I'll just explode your inbox again hahshd,,,,

Alright where do I even begin?? Um, first, did something happen to Bandit to make him resort to doing what he does now, or did he just do it out of boredom? Was it that he needed adventure or needed his life to change? Second, can I hear your imaginary scenarios where Bandit meets the guardians??? Pretty please???? I'm really interested to see how he'd treat them!! Third, you said you had a game concept featuring Just Finch, right? Is the game itself currently in production or do you never plan on actually making it? Cuz if you need. Production help.? I'm always willing to be of service?? Okay there's a really low chance you'd accept a stranger's help on a personal project ESPECIALLY since said stranger is still kinda sorta an amateur at everything ever but I'm already so used to helping everyone around me with anything they're doing at any point in time so I thought it'd be kind of me to offer anyways. Sorry though... Anyway back to the Bandit questions! Fourth, if Bandit encountered a burnt, what's his first gut reaction? Obviously I think he'd most likely pull out his gun, but how does he feel? Is he not at all fazed by these shells of people that have become more hostile than they were before, maybe because it's a usual occurrence? Or is part of him still afraid, either because he's disturbed by the uncanny horror in front of him, or because he's aware that if he's not careful enough (despite all the tickets he has for himself) that could easily be him? I need to know if this guy has fears or not!! Fifth, I can't help but be curious to know if there's any songs you associate with Bandit? If I have the time I'll prolly listen to the songs mentioned too lmao,,, And lastly, my favorite thing to think about when it comes to OFF OCs, does Bandit have a competence list? If so, can I please read it, I love making and looking at fanmade competences for some reason, probably because of how creative the nonsensical titles can get while sticking to a single theme, mixed with the general role of the character in battle matching with their personality. But if I'm the only person here that actually cares about that stuff I totally get it!!! And I don't want you to feel pressured to make a set of competences just for this ask either, if you didn't make one you didn't make one and that's okay. I just thought I'd ask if you happened to have one. I think that's all I have for right now, thank you :D

Thank you for following :D Alright, to the questions!

I think you've hit the first question that I can't answer outright because of Lore secrets I'm saving for askbandit. Partially related to the X story, that's all I'll say

Wuhhhh imaginary guardian scenarios?? They're pretty vague but here's some ideas Dedan - Dedan getting increasingly angrier and angrier as he tries to order Bandit around and fails. I also imagine Dedan being confused on who Bandit is, like "DO YOU EVEN WORK HERE?" and Bandit's just "Shouldn't you know that?" Japhet - Like the sketch, Japhet would flap around Bandit and fret about the X. Bandit would probably keep the bird at arm's length though, he rarely lets people close, and Japhet wouldn't be one of those people lol. Enoch - Enoch would have a special bone to pick with Bandit because of the sugar smuggling. He'd try to squish Bandit Judge? - Bandit loves cats. Judge would get many pets, scritches, and treats Sucre? - Sucre is a sugar dealing client for sure. Queen? - I imagine Bandit sarcastically complimenting the architecture of the Room. I imagine the Queen would be passive, maybe laugh a little at his silly musings. Hugo?? - Kick the baby (LMAO KIDDING, KIDDING). Truthfully, maybe they'd talk about comics or something. Idk the room is a weird place and I don't think Bandit and Hugo would ever purposefully meet

Yes, the game is called Project GoldFinch, and it is in production. I haven't done enough to do another big dev progress post, but here's the announcement post if you want the little info I've provided about it. I appreciate the offer to help, but this is a personal project and I feel more comfortable doing the work myself.

This is actually a question I've gotten on askbandit and haven't answered yet, but Bandit is not intimidated by Burnts. Most Burnts (in my lore) aren't necessarily violent, or burn quick enough to that they don't do that much damage, so Bandit wouldn't pay it any mind. If a Burnt was to attack, he would probably choose to avoid it until it recovers rather than shoot though. Also, Bandit doesn't burn, can't burn*, so he doesn't worry. He has no fear. * this info could only be found on his artfight profile previously. Public info but out-of-the-way.

I really should make a Bandit playlist, but the song I currently associate him with the most is Catch Me If You Can by Set It Off. Obvious reasons for that one. I also listen to the music used for his shop theme in UNKNOWN. Also ALSO, I commissioned a really cool person (hai @amygdalum hope you don't mind the tag) to create a Bandit theme inspired by Synchronicity, so if you wanna listen to that, here ya go! I did the cover art on that one.

And finally, competence list. Funny story, I have never actually thought about making a competence list for him, but when Bandit was still the Final Boss in RISE, he did have one (so credit to Brandy again for this, screenshot ripped straight from the old files). These are thematically relevant to his role in the game more than how he is now, but I gotta say, I really like Reckless Charge. If I were to keep any of these, it would be Reckless Charge. That feels very him. The other ones are badass but I see them fitting Tate better. I don't remember if they were changed for Tate or not, but either way, great attack names all around.

Thanks again for the asks ^^