#(i feel like some people become afraid to be creative because they fear it’s ‘not good enough’)

[curator-on-ao3]

Do you write multi-chapter fics in order or do you jump around? And if you do go in order, do you go back to revise earlier chapters as you go or are they pretty much ready to post once you move on to the next chapter?

I love this question, anon, thank you! ❤️

I write multi-chaps in order — which I don’t necessarily recommend because a scene I may be three chapters away from writing will sing and dance in my mind and we’re not there yet. So I will add key elements of that scene to my outline, which actually can be good in the long run because by the time I finally write the scene, the words can flow fairly easily because the scene has been in my mind for so long (with outline memory aids for specifics).

I know some people write out of order, and I’m glad that method works for them. For me, I need the linear nature in which the story will (presumably) be read to inform the writing. As always, though, the best way to write is the way that works for the writer.

In terms of revision, I revise constantly. Little stuff, big stuff. I need the whole story written and edited before posting even the first chapter (with one exception because I knew exactly where I was going and felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t start posting). For me, the revision process can help sharpen things like foreshadowing and key themes. I find revision deeply rewarding. It’s like — I built a home and now I get to buff the floors and straighten the address numbers and make sure the cookies in the oven are done just in time to invite in anyone who wants to share the home I built for whomever might want to be there.

[misstwisted]

raaaaant time

so, I am very upset over the new Menéndez brothers series that came out. If you’ve seen it, you probably know why. Before I go into this, if you don’t know about this case, the menendez brothers had murdered their mom and dad in 1989 as self defense, fearing of them soon murdering them themselves, after suffering years of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse by their parents hands.

for context I am a long time supporter of these men. I’ve known about this case since I was around 12 (unsupervised internet access, lmao) and I supported them then and I support them now.

This series is fucking disgusting. And not just because of the atrocious, disrespectful, and weirdly comedic relief portrayals of these traumatized men, no no no, it also of course just had to include sexualization and Incestuous fetishization of them. I was SO EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE watching these scenes. I’m sure it’s all supposed to show how their father had fucked up the brothers relationship and how he blurred the lines for them of what’s appropriate and not appropriate to do with your family, but this crosses a god damn line. It’s possible I’m also giving this dumb fuck director too much credit. Idk if it’s just me, but this feels like a writers barely disguised fetish moment. So many scenes felt like the start of a porno, and at times DID BECOME A PORNO!!!!!

I remember so many times of me yelling out loud in shock “WHAT IS THIS SHOW????”

the dialogue is trash, the pacing is trash, the portrayal is trash, etc. The only part I personally think was great was when they recreated the footage of Lyle and Erik walking into court. When I was watching it I felt they really looked and acted like the brothers at that moment. And the fact it’s surrounded by such garbage is sad. It really felt disconnected from the other episodes and scenes because of how much I enjoyed that little moment. And they weren’t even talking or anything.

There’s only like one word I could use to describe a lot of the scenes, especially the sexualization scenes, which is: unnecessary.

Gotta be honest, I really wanted to like this show! Thought it could bring back attention on this case again. Show empathy towards them. But no, I had to watch two actors portraying real life traumatized brothers kiss each other.

I am seriously wondering now if Ryan Murphy wanted two actors with romantic/sexual chemistry casted on purpose for what seems to be some sort of fantasy of his.

I started this show YESTERDAY, I am halfway through episode 7 right now. I wanted to see if it’d get better, and it just never did. But honestly? It’s my fault. What did I fucking expect from a Netflix series that’s directed by the guy who made GLEE? I’m still mad now, but I can’t even describe how even more upset I was yesterday watching it.

I legit could probably go on for days about how disrespectful this show is, and good on Erik for not being afraid to call it and the directors out.

It’s in vain to say this, because obviously they’ll never see it, but: Ryan Murphy and Ian Brennan you two are pieces of utter dogshit. What about any of this was a good idea? You guys deserve to be sued for thinking this was okay. You deserve it for making Dahmer, and you deserve it for making this. I don’t even wanna SAY all the horrible things I think about you guys. All i hope is nobody ever hands you two a god damn camera again. Sincerely go fuck yourselves.

I know I’m being a dramatic little bitch again for the 100th time but this is truly horrendous. This isn’t just a story you can add shit to and get creative with, guys, this is their LIVES. These are real human people with dignities and families that care about them. They’ve been disrespected enough, the fact that they were sentenced to life in general just shows how little people empathized with them.

This audacity of this being made. This very serious story of trauma being turned into this weird comedy show.

what is this RPF, Ryan Murphy? ARE YOU BORED??? How about you go make a actual fucking difference? Cause you know what, Erik and Lyle are, and they’re the ones who’re incarcerated!

that’ll be all.

[redwineandtarot]

your life 5 years from now (timeless)

hi! today we will take a look at how your life looks like 5 years from now. this is a timeless reading so whenever this find you, you can read it. we have free will, i am just reading energies so take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. i would love to hear your feedbacks <3

🥀paid readings🥀

Disclaimer: My readings do NOT replace any professional advice. Use your own judgment while making decisions. You have your own free will. Take everything I say light-heartedly. All of my readings are for ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES.

pick a pile

piles 1-2

3-4

i do not own these pictures

pile 1

In the next 5 years you will reap what you sow pile 1! I see amazing opportunities career wise. These opportunities will come to you because you are stepping out of your comfort zone and working hard for what you want. You will be stepping up your game and leading your life with proudness. You are action oriented for sure.

You may start doing the things you were afraid of before. Because you are in a more action-oriented mode, you will overcome those fears. At first you will do them while you are scared, but as time goes by you will overcome them.

I see such a confident person pile 1!

For a while you may have been on guard about love. This may have been because of a betrayal or not seeing a healthy relationship example (when you were a child etc.). I see that changing. A person will come who is going to change your outlook on love. They are very loving and giving. You may also do charity work with them. While you are action-oriented career wise, I see your lover coming to you. 

I talked a lot about material gains. However you are stepping up your game also spiritual-wise. I said you will reap what you sow. You will and manifesting them will help you get them. Spirit is suggesting you to start manifesting if you don't already. You could do a vision board etc. Whatever feels right to you.

Your intuition will be heightened, like A LOT. Because the card to represent you is the MYSTIC. You will be one with the divine.

At the end of this 5 year period, you will have gone through a massive change. This will lead you to be more confident and be more accepting of yourself. I see you living an authentic life. This massive change will also have an impact on your spirituality.

I talked about you being action oriented, but I still see you preserving your feminine side. You will, thus, have a great balance of feminine-masculine energies, material-spiritual world etc. 

Overall I see you quite content with your life, pile 1.

The area of life going through the most transformation: 6th house What energy you will be in: Taurus Your uranus placement will be guiding for you in the next 5 years.

thank you for reading💕

pile 2

This may be literal or metaphorical depending on your situation:

I see someone’s heart getting broken, or going through something hard. However instead of this wrecking them completely, they rise up stronger than ever. This person I am seeing, uses this experience to create a masterpiece of some sort. To let people know that they are not the only ones going through this. Let them help with their sorrow. And this creation makes the wheels turn: they become someone people look up to, they achieve great success.

The first thing I wanna say is: You will get what you deserve pile2.  

You may have gone through something in the past or recently that affects you now. If not (please do not be scared) I see you going through something heavy emotionally. This thing depends from person to person. You are/will be victimizing yourself a lot. However when you come out of this energy, the real deal will begin. Like I said in the intro; this will inspire you to do something creative, it doesn't have to be related to art/music but for most of you it is. If it's not related to art/music, it may be becoming a psychologist etc.  

From this point on you will have regained your trust in the universe and in yourself. You will start doing whatever this is. For some of you, this is a childhood dream. (This is a confirmation for you to go for it.) Just this heartbreak inspires you to take action on this dream. Whatever you do, your path/creations will help people in some way. And as a result you will gain great success. Jupiter will bless you with happiness and abundance. Because you will be taking responsibility for yourself and will surrender to the divine. 

Spirit again and again tells me that you need to have faith in your dreams, they are coming true in the next 5 years as long as you take responsibility and trust the universe. You just need to be patient.

Believe in yourself pile 2, because me and the spirit really do.

The area of life going through the most transformation: 1st house What energy you will be in: Capricorn Your venus placement will be guiding for you in the next 5 years.

thank you for reading💕

pile 3

Your different aspects find life, pile 3. I see you as a multi talented/multi faceted person and all of your versions are blossoming 5 years from now. You are acknowledging your different versions as a person, and nourishing them throughout these 5 years and in the end these different aspects of you will shine brightly together, I see.

You are also tackling more than one job/hobby at once. Maybe you have a main job and a side job/passion project. Or just lots of hobbies. However you are working hard in general. But this is not just a “work to work” thing. You really do enjoy the things you do. I see you living an authentic life. You probably have lots of goals and are working hard to achieve them. By the end of 5 years you will have achieved great things however after these 5 years I see even BETTER blessings coming your way. It’s like you're at the verge of a BIG breakthrough.

I see you financially well off. However you do not stop. You still try to find ways to make more money and better yourself. I see you as an ambitious person.

If you haven't found it yet, you will find your “personal calling”. Or if you have that sort of thing, you will find other things that will light your soul up. Luck will be on your side throughout these 5 years.

I also see you doing shadow work and healing the deep wounds you have inside. (For some, especially regarding money. Maybe some of you struggle(d) from being envious of financially well off people. ) Whatever it is, you are healing.

You are so grateful for the life you are living. I see you quite content with your life. You are emotionally fulfilled. A lot will happen in these 5 years.

You will find a great balance of giving-receiving, moving-resting, planning-accepting etc. You will listen to your soul and body more as well as the universe.

The area of life going through the most transformation: 7th house What energy you will be in: Leo Your north node placement will be guiding for you in the next 5 years.

thank you for reading💕

pile 4

First of all, I see that you have achieved a great balance in your life. You may be lacking some balance regarding an aspect of your life. I see that resolving in the next five years. Also an issue regarding your personal life. That will resolve too, whether it is connected to your balance or not. 

You will realize your real potential and take the reins. I suggest you to look up your south and north nodes because they will help you get to know yourself more. You will be showing up to the world as your authentic self. I am not meaning that every secret of your will be on display but you are not people pleasing etc. On the contrary you are keeping your secrets and are working in silence. Yes, this transformation will be shocking to most of the people because you won't be telling most of the people/anyone. For example you may want to start a dance class, you will go there in silence and when people see how well you dance after a while they will be shocked because you haven't told them. 

You are not shying away from challenges, pile 4. I see you as a brave person. And I think that’s what makes this transformation bigger and more impactful.

Prior to transforming (or at the beginning), you will go on maybe a hermit mode? You will get all philosophical and better yourself regarding knowledge of any kind. I see you working hard.

You are also standing firm on your ground. When a situation arises, you defend yourself if you know that you're right. I also see this as defending your own life path. I am not saying everybody will be against you or supporting you but if someone talks negatively to you, this won't bother you. Because you are already proud of yourself. So you defend yourself firmly.

A love interest or (mostly) a soulmate will come into your life. You will probably not see this coming but they are coming with so much love and things to offer. For the ones in a committed relationship (and don't see themselves breaking up) this may be about not losing the love and compassion to each other and maybe even taking the next step.  For example if you are in a relationship, your partner may propose to you or you can get engaged etc. 

You overall will be so happy about the life you are living, pile 4.

The area of life going through the most transformation: 8th house What energy you will be in: Pisces Your sun placement will be guiding for you in the next 5 years.

thank you for reading💕

[deacons-wig]

I'd prefer if we never got to see the origin of Vault Boy and Vault Tec's branding in the same way I'd rather not get a canon answer of who started the War or how. That's the point of War Never Changes.

Vault Boy is a sinister figure in his cheerful embrace of Armageddon. Giving the Vault Tec brand a face and a name and a backstory feels so unimportant to what is actually interesting about Fallout. What's important to me is the big picture pre war, and the details of what comes after.

What is interesting to me is exploring how propaganda is designed to convince people how close they are to annihilation--or homelessness, unemployment, obscurity, or being The Other and therefore destined to suffer--in hell, in oppressions, being ostracized. Honestly insert any sort of marginalization or suffering here. Crony capitalism uses propaganda to market products designed to manipulate people into buying distance between themselves and that annihilation. Putting themselves "behind the thumb" of Vault Boy, so to speak. Buying a lifestyle. Vault Boy does it with a wink and a smile, inviting those who can afford it to buy their way to safety while using capital and fear to perpetuate the cycle. I don't need the specifics to understand this.

Some ghoulnaysis below the cut:

I'll admit, my initial reaction to pre-war Ghoulgins being the inspiration for Vault Boy was funny! Mr. Cooper Howard, washed up actor experiencing an existential crisis being shoehorned into corporate propaganda that then haunts him for the next 200+ years? Selling manifest destiny, racism, the Rugged Individual, the revisionist history that cowboys were a) white and b) more than a brief footnote in the history of the colonization of North America's west. The commodification of entertainers/creatives/public figures. Selling identities to be packaged into a product that will outlive them? Only to have that person live alongside that role they regret (?) playing... kinda tasty, if we have to give Vault Boy a backstory, though I didn't get a clear sense of his actual feelings about being used as a propaganda guy which I think is a failure of the show to commit to the narrative they set up, which happens with a lot of the show's (lack of) engagement with Fallout's larger themes anyway.

But The Ghoul (stupid name!!! weird and boring choice!!!) is just such an uncompelling and repellent character to me. I love a good bad guy or even anti-hero, but honestly he lacks any interiority. He's an evil karma character (eats people, waterboards and mutilates people, sells people to organ harvesters...like? that literally makes you evil in the games...) but the narrative pushes him as an antihero or someone with gray morality because he what..."likes" dogs? And isn't as decayed or unsettling looking as other ghouls (implying handsome=good or interesting). People aren't afraid of him because he is a ghoul, they're afraid of him because he's evil and will hurt them! Sometimes for no reason! I see the callback to the director telling him to shoot his co-star and Cooper saying he's "the good guy," but is that why he becomes so fucking evil post war? Really?

I don't know why he does what he does other than...the world sucked before and sucks now so he might as well represent the basest of human behavior? That seems to be the thesis of the show--unless kindness and community is engendered (by the vaults, by Management, by a civic government, by corporations) people will descend into chaos.

So why have this poorly executed anti-hero be the origin of Vault Boy? What are the narrative choices being made here? Is it just Rule of Cool?

Personally I would like a pathetic, rotting wet cat of a ghoul, some sort of carved out husk of a washed up movie star either trying to relive his glory days, or avoid them--having given up hope of finding his family after 200 years--being dragged into Lucy's orbit and being constantly reminded of his Vault Boy fame, that she is a walking Vault Girl with her Okey Dokey's and Golden Rule. He'd be a joke, a footnote of the old world. He'd be mean and snarky, even unpredictable and uncooperative--have a public persona of friendly curiosity and a private, cynical one.

Pathetic Ghoulgins would remind audiences of the cost of capitalism and imperialism without resorting to the thesis that war never changes means that people are inherently cruel and will resort to violence, rather than existent corporate and political power structures intentionally create the conditions in which people accept perpetual cycles of exploitation and harm for the sake of their own safety and comfort, despite knowing the cost of maintaining the status quo, and not seeing or believing that distance between the status quo and total annihilation is measured by the smiling thumbs up of a cartoon mascot.

I'm sure there are other ways The Ghoul could have been a successful character as well but.... That's satire. That's interesting. That's Fallout.

[n3xii]

How do people see you vs how you see yourself

This pick a card reading explores how you see yourself vs how others view you. I will also be giving guided advice from the cards on how to be your most authentic self, pls enjoy. To tip my cashapp is sarahx2x, my paypal is teahuk, for personal readings check my pinned post 《♡》

Pile one

How you see yourself -

You struggle with identity and knowing who you are, so when it comes to how you percieve yourself you're a bit confused and even anxious. You see yourself as a mystery, that there's missing parts of you that you can't access. You feel like you're an incomplete puzzle, but pile one you need to know that you're whole as you are. Your identity is being subtly revealed to you overtime and you're slowly learning who you are. Fear and illusion has been gatekeeping key aspects of who you are making you feel incomplete and scared to be yourself, and you're in the process of confronting those fears so that you can see who you truly are. Other people's projections may be in thr mix here as well and confusing you even more. This is a time to tune out from what others have to say about who you are. You may feel confused and even afraid to look in the mirror, you may feel dissociated from the reflection you see, but overtime you're gonna come to love yourself. those fears and illusions you've had about yourself are gonna be the things you embrace wholeheartedly. You're not broken or bad, your heart is pure and you're just finding your way through the darkness, I can't wait for you to meet yourself.

How others see you-

You may not realize it, but others see that you're bondaged to a sense of self that isn't who you really are. They see you as a victim of your own fears and illusions, or even a victim of the narrow mindsets of other people. They feel you are trapped under pressure or an invisible prison that keeps you from expressing who you are. I feel that these people love you, they want you to see who you really are and embrace your uniqueness. They earnestly hate to see you be fully controlled like a puppet to whatever it is that keeps you from being yourself. They want to help you but sometimes don't know how. They know deep down that this is an internal journey that you have to complete and that it's ultimately none of their buisness to tell you who you are. They do care about you though, and can't wait to support you in your journey.

How you can embrace your authenticity-

You embrace your authenticity by embracing your passion. Your passion is gonna strike you like lightening and give you a jolt of courage, inspiration and a little bit of insanity. It's gonna expose and eliminate any fear your currently have. You're letting illusions and false perceptions hold you back from your raw, creative power. Through embracing what lights your heart up, you will overcome previous blockages. You will find yourself in the heat of what you earnestly enjoy in life, let passion reveal itself to you overtime especially if you don't know what it is that you love. You will know, and when you know you will be released from the self imposed illusions of identity.

Pile two

How you see yourself-

You like to demonize yourself don't you! But i think its because others have. You have demonized yourself to the point that have become the villain in your own mind, and this is partly because other people have done this to you, either way you are ciritcal and quite cruel to yourself. You may feel like you've taken on the identity of the villain, you see yourself as the antagonist and that there's nothing you can do to redefine your reputation. The way other people react to you and treat you gives you the impression that you're some kind of adversary, but in reality you're not coddling people with fake kindness.

How others see you-

Others see you as a rival in some sense. I'm seeing slot of people compare themselves to you alot, there's something about you that inspires others to step up their game. But some may be in a unrequited conflict with you as well. You make people feel as if they're enough because there's something about you that others admire but feel is missing in themselves. You have qualities and characteristics others want to have but don't. They see you as a rival, they see you as someone who is uniquely set apart from the rest.

How you can embrace your most authentic self-

Difficult transitions are trials that feel unbearable in the moment but serve us longterm. Embrace change. Be open to receiving help and support from the universe and from your spirit guides. You're crossing passages and encountering new mindsets and this in turn challenges you to change the way you think, so be progressive. Don't hold onto old thought patterns. You don't have to cling to old ways of thinking. Sit down right now and make a list of beliefs you have about yourself and others that you feel is old and tired. Be honest and thoughtful. Then rip the paper and mentally commit to leaving those ideas behind. Old beliefs weigh us down, we don't need to carry that old luggage with us into new cycles. As you let old ideas fall away you will encounter ideas and beliefs that feel more authentic to who you are.

Pile three

How you see yourself

Like pile two, you are very hard on yourselves. You have demonized yourself but in a different way than pile two- you have attached yourself to limiting beliefs and ideas that hold you back from utlizing your full potential. You've identified yourself with fears, insecurity and victim hood. You see yourself as powerless and under the tutelage of situations people or circumstances. You've essentially given power to everything but yourself.

How others see you

It's funny because others see all your potiental. They see all your talents, skills, and willpower and they can even envision you directing that will in the right places in their mind. But you don't. You let other people and situations decide who you are and what you're gonna do. People earnestly see you with all your potential, and wish you saw the same in yourself. I'm seeing people be like "if I could do that I would be set for life" meaning people see something in you that they wish they had, because if they had it they think they would know what to do with that talent. They see you as someone with so much willpower and natural skill, what's stopping you from seeing these qualities in yourself? What resources aren't you using? For some of you, others see you as someone with the perfect resources to make shit happen. Whether you have the talent, the money, the familial support or even the beauty. You're sitting here thinking that you're not able to be who you want to be and achieve your desires but others are wishing they had what you had. Appreciate your resources no matter how thay may manifest in your life, and have an idea of how to use them.

How to embrace your authentic self-

Remember who you used to be and honor that person. Celebrate how far you've come. You've achieved alot whether you regonize it or not. Make a list of everything you've achieved in the past few years, big or small. Then purposely do something nice for yourself. You don't realize how far you've come, you really don't. Sometimes to see our full potential we have to see how far we've made it. And sometimes spirit wants us to celebrate our wins (big or small) so that we can fully appreciate the next chapter we're gonna experience. Spirit wants you to see everything you've accomplished despite whatever circumstances you've faced in the past, because you're currently allowing a current circumstance direct the path you're on. Spirit just wants you to see all of your accomplishments in the context of the present moment because your past is your inspiration. You've come along way.

[sparklingcid3r]

wut do u think is the biggest thing each of the brothers worry about the others. like what is darrys genuinely biggest worry about soda and pony? and vice versa?

This is such a creative question so I want to give it all my own creativity, which means I’m not gonna take the easy way out and say anything about Vietnam 🙏

I think Pony’s biggest worry when it comes to Darry and Soda is just being left alone. I might be taking from “Death’s at my Door” but honestly it fits Pony well enough on its own. He’s thirteen and starting a new section of his life in high school. Ik when I started high school I was pretty scared shitless of literally everything. I can’t imagine having to do that and then just a few months later, his parents die. And yeah, Darry can take care of them, but in doing so he sacrifices his role of brother to split it with that of a father. And from Pony’s perspective, Darry just isn’t the same person he was before the accident, so in his eyes he pretty much has lost his brother, at least the part that he was close with (before the events of the book yk yk). But after the book, he knows that him and Darry have come to an understanding, and it makes him way more afraid of Darry dying like their parents or just straight up leaving them. And everyone knows that Pony worships the ground Soda walks on and the air Soda breathes, and after Johnny’s death, he kind of becomes the only one Pony feels he can be the most vulnerable to. They’re so close that they willingly share a bed and discuss things like their parents, Darry, Sandy, etc., and also I have this thought rattling around in my head that Pony can’t sleep soundly if he goes to sleep in his bed and Soda isn’t next to him. Like he can sleep fine on the couch or in the lot on his own, but when he’s in bed he just is constantly waking up and throwing fits in his sleep when Soda’s weight isn’t on the other side of the mattress.

Soda’s biggest fear is honestly that Darry and Pony never reconcile, or that they promise they will and just aren’t able to. He doesn’t want either of them to go no-contact with each other, not for his own sake, but because they really are the only family they got left and family clearly means so much to Soda. Losing everything makes people fight, which makes them bitter, which is no better than dead. But also Soda’s seen sides of both his brothers that Darry and Pony haven’t seen about the other. Soda’s the one helping Darry figure out groceries and chipping in with taxes and the bills, helping them keep their heads above water. He understands exactly why Darry is the way he is, and respects him for making the hard decisions that Soda would never be able to make. On the other hand, Soda’s the one Pony goes to for emotional support. He’s the one who calms Pony down from nightmares, he’s the one teaching Pony how to pick up chicks, he’s the one making sure the gang treats Pony right and not like some baby. Soda loves his brothers so fiercely, them not being able to understand each other just rips him up inside. The idea of Pony and Darry hating each other enough to completely abandon their bond would just ruin him.

Darry is kind of unique enough to say a bunch of general things. Like duh of course he’s scared of the idea of his brothers being killed by a Soc or getting into an accident, anything that happens to them is on him and him alone. But if we’re going to be more introspective, I think the idea that neither Soda or Pony would be able to leave Tulsa—or even have the option of leaving Tulsa—would kill him. He knows that Soda probably wouldn’t mind living and dying in his hometown, and if that’s his choice then so be it, but he knows Pony was made for more than what he was given. It’s why he pushes so hard for Pony to excel in school, because he’s capable of reaching for more than the low-hanging fruit of the East side. Darry knows personally that the grass is greener on the other side, and he wants Pony to live there, not just see it. He also knows that Pony’s a better person than he is and doesn’t have to resort to turning himself into a Soc just to advance, which makes it all the more important to Darry that he gets his kid brother out.

Wow I wish I could have said more, I feel kind of underwhelmed by myself lmfao 😭 but this was great!! Tysm for the ask🫶

[astrangetorpedo]

Julien Baker on learning to articulate joy

by t. cole rachel 2/3/17

“I’m always afraid that the public will scorn songs about happiness out of a disbelief that it is genuine.”

Are you working on a record now? What’s happening?

I am, but I’m always working on songs no matter what. You can’t not be working on a project if writing is how you go about compartmentalizing your life. Everything that happens, every feeling that you have, becomes work. Since the end of 2015—and keeping in mind all the life changes that year occasioned—I was writing quite a bit. I saw a latent theme start to develop, and then I was like, “Oh, well let’s pursue this.” I now have a really good idea of what I want the next record to be conceptually. I think I can be more intentional with it in presentation, if not necessarily in construction. It’ll probably be sonically similar, because that’s the style in which I write.

The stillness of songwriting—knowing when to stop and just be still—is often the most difficult part of songwriting for me. Knowing when it’s enough. Sometimes I think, “Wow, wouldn’t it be cool if we had, like, a full string quartet and a horn section here, making this into an opera?” but then that doesn’t serve the song. You know? Lyrically, I think, it’s better to be thoughtful instead of just vomiting it out.

I’m about to do something dorky, so I apologize. One of my favorite quotes about creativity is from Wordsworth who says something like, “Poetry is the spontaneous overflow of emotions reflected upon in tranquility.” I think that really accurately represents the dichotomy of writing songs for me, especially with my particular writing style. It’s like, “All right, I have an emotion.” I’ll then go out to my garage and vomit out a song that’s essentially just me singing my feelings out loud. This time around I’m doing a lot more refining. Sprained Ankle was really, really raw. Which isn’t to say that’s always a bad thing—it suited that record and those songs—but this time around I’m happy to have more time with it.

That record seemed to come out of the blue and catch people by surprise. How does it feel to be making music with the knowledge that there is an audience now that is anticipating it? Does that change things?

I’ve heard myself say something in the past that isn’t totally precise, suggesting that I made Sprained Ankle only for me. Admittedly, it’s a very self-involved record that’s specific to my own experiences that I wrote as a tool, as a coping mechanism primarily, for what was happening in my life at that point. That’s how I’ve always used music. I grew up writing songs in punk bands and we would have the same conversation regularly, “Oh, this is going to be rad when we play it at a show!” You would imagine people singing along and yelling out the chorus. So you have something that you’re not only trying to say for yourself because you need to say it, but also that you’re saying to the world, even if the world in your schema is this small community... even if your audience is just a basement.

Now that I know the audience is a bit broader, I can’t help but think about that sometimes. Still, the best songs are the ones I just let happen. What is that Rilke quote? That he’s not a creator of art, he’s just a midwife to it? That’s how I like to feel. How I approach making songs isn’t totally different. Often it’s just when something difficult happens to me or I’m stressed out, I’ll just sit down and say whatever my fears are. I’ve been perpetually trying to come to terms with doing Sprained Ankle live for a year, because I’ve moved on from those specific experiences. The emotions, maybe, are evergreen in a sense because you’re always going to have fresh heartbreak at some point in your life. You’re going to have self-doubt, but it feels weird to still be singing about them years after the fact. One of the challenges about playing live has been finding new ways to apply old sentiments.

I always talk about the song “Good News.” I started to get really bothered that I was having conversations with people who listen to my music who said, “That song made me feel better!” but then I’m sitting up there screaming, “I ruin everything I do.” That’s not the kind of self-deprecating rhetoric or mentality that I want to promote. However, it’s also false to pretend like no one ever has these feelings, because people have those feelings all the time and that’s a very real thing. There’s a balance of not having an artifice of hope, but still writing songs that are honest about how I feel inside, which isn’t always great. I finally made a sort of concession with myself about it, so now before I play that song I’ll say, “This song is about when I thought I ruined everything, and now I’m trying to learn that that’s not true.”

It is cheesy and nine times out of ten I wince at myself on stage when I do it, but it’s like I have to do it in order to prove that it’s true, that I mean it. So, with these new songs—particularly the ones that were written about a relationship ending a year ago and I wrote over a year ago—I had to think about what it will mean to play them live and how that might feel. They are thematically appropriate for the record, which will be released in 2017, and obviously I’ve moved on and that’s an amicable situation right now, but it’s still a funny thing. I think I’ve been exploring the stigmatization around mental health and being open and honest about feelings, because that’s basically been my job. Everybody in this music scene is a little bit, I don’t want say “messed up” because that implies there’s something wrong with you, but we all feel a little messed up and maybe that’s why we do art.

I recently read this Alain de Botton book and it changed my life. He said that “Art is there for you when love stops being there for you.” I was like, “Oh my gosh, true.” Yeah, so being honest about those really dark things, like saying, “I feel disappointing, I feel like I’m nothing,” is important. I think about that when I start to censor myself. That was why I ended up leaving “Rejoice” on my previous record. Sometimes you need to inhabit an idea or a feeling in order to transcend it. The thing that you’re most afraid is the very thing you have to be bravest about divulging.

It seems like a more more popular human compulsion, particularly among songwriters, to document our own darkness than it is to articulate happiness. As someone who is known for writing beautifully sad songs, what do you make of that?

I remember a comment someone made about Ben Gibbard from Death Cab for Cutie: “Oh, he got happier and stopped writing good songs.” I was like, “What a grotesque thing to say.” How awful is it that our culture is geared in such a way. I think there’s inherent worth in all art and I never criticize the formal quality of art as long as there is genuine emotion there, but we’ll tolerate all kinds of cheesy heartbreak-related art just because of the subject matter. It’s much more difficult to pull off a joyful song. I’m always afraid that the public will scorn songs about happiness out of a disbelief that it is genuine. I’m interested in talking about joy, but it’s difficult and you don’t want to be clumsy with it. I think of it more as, “I have joy.” That’s a really complex thing to unpack. But I think articulating joy is important. I’m thinking of songs by people like the B-52s. There is this Australian artist called Alex Lahey who was a song where the chorus is just, “Let’s go out and have fun tonight.” It’s almost like you can hear the tongue-in-cheek irony of there’s mundanity in the grind of life and then this person is writing a song that’s just parodying a go-out-party song. It’s really cool.

It’s like it’s somehow less embarrassing to have an emotional meltdown in public than it is to be really honest about your happiness in a non-ironic way.

I think what’s so crazy is that for so many people I know—myself included—it’s this thing of when you’re acutely aware of the suffering of everything around you, it seems like happiness is a lack of decorum. Does that make sense?

For me, 2016 was a lot about learning, both good things and bad. I’m learning a lot about joy—joy as something different from happiness. Because happiness is a temporary space, an emotion, but joy, I think, is something different. It’s like a disposition that you choose to adopt. It’s all right to allow yourself that. I read a lot of philosophy, so I’m always thinking things like, “I want to be the platonic ideal of a human and do what is ethically asked of me by my existence.” Maybe that means not only writing sad songs. Maybe that means expressing joy. I’m still learning how to do that.

We went on a tour and I was reading Ethics by Bonhoeffer because I am a huge nerd and I was just like, “I’ll never be a good person.” Then one of my good friends was like, “Do you think God hates joy?” I was like, “No I don’t, I don’t think God hates joy.” She said, “So, if you have everything to be happy about, why won’t you display that as an image of hope instead of a depiction of suffering, because you can’t get on stage and talk about hope if you have no hope. You can’t go on stage and talk about joy as a destination—not just an unachievable goal—if you have no joy, so let yourself have joy.” You know how sometimes people say a simple explanation to you for something and you feel like a total idiot? I was just like, “I guess you’re right.”

I still struggle with anxiety. For the longest time on tour I would have panic attacks before almost every show. Performing is scary, and there’s a lot going on in there—”in there” being my brain. So while we were on tour in Australia it felt like I was always waiting for another shoe to drop, and when it didn’t I felt like I could just cherish the fact that I’m legitimately enjoying what is happening in my life and I’m excited to talk to people.

I can be a positive force. I can interact with people and I don’t look like a brooding crazy person. I’m smiling, I’m happy, and I’m getting to hug them. There was one show in particular where I was starting a song that there was a girl in the front of the stage who yelled out, “This is my song!” I thought it was funny because I’d only ever heard someone say that when they were at a bar and a song came on the jukebox, but I loved that she said that. I had this really cheesy thought like, “You know what? It is.” It’s not mine anymore. I was like, “It is your song, girl. This is for you. I hope you enjoy it.” She was stoked. Instead of feeling guilty that people like my music or feeling like I don’t deserve it or I haven’t earned it, I’m just happy that my job is that I stand on a stage and I look out on a whole bunch of eyeballs and we get to share this thing.

After the whirlwind success of Sprained Ankle, was it weird to finally be home again and working on music? My biggest fear is that anyone thinks that I’m anything other than amazed and grateful that I get to be a musician. Like, every day I wake up astonished by that. I think generally the amount of reward you get in your occupation mirrors the amount of sacrifice it requires. I needed to take some time to not be a ghost in my real life, to see my family and visit my partner, and just be radio silent for a while.

I write a lot on tour, which is weird because I used to think I couldn’t get into the right head space on tour to write songs, but then eventually touring just becomes your norm and I really have to be writing, so you just adapt. I’ll make little voice memos in the car and listen to them and write lyrics while I’m walking around. Once I got back home I rented this studio space and did a whole bunch of demos. We spent almost 12 hours in the studio every day. Hearing the demos outside of my head was really good for me. I’d been worrying myself by thinking, what if the new songs are too different? What if they are too much the same? What if everyone is disappointed? I felt the weight of expectation start to make me afraid that I couldn’t do it. I was, “It’s all going to be crap, everyone’s going to hate it.” Then once I got into the recording process things changed.

I was recording with my friend Calvin Lauber, who is in a band from Memphis called Pillow Talk. He’s in the scene and I’ve known him since I was 13 years old, and he happens to do recording and engineering as well as just play around in bands. It felt just so comfortable that I lost track of the hours and it was kind of like one of those moments, “Oh yeah, I love just the process of making art and I could stay here for another 12 hours just experimenting and, like, shaping this thing.” It brought me back to the reason why I ever did this in the first place. You have to be able to reconnect to the joy of making the thing that you make. It’s easy to get distracted from that.

I was so grateful that I felt comfortable enough to come back and make my music in Memphis. I moved back here at the beginning of the year to be closer to my family. I love my city. I have, like, Drake levels of love for my city. It felt good to be here. Once the demos were done and I was listening back to some of it, I had this weird feeling. I’m hyper-critical of my own work, which most artists probably are, but I had the strange sensation of thinking,“This is how it feels to be proud of something that I made.” I realized that as long as I am proud and I feel like I say what I want to with the narrative of this record, I am able to separate myself from being so concerned with, “What if people hate it?” Even if they hate it, I’ll still know that I’ve done my best. It’s all such a fifth grade classroom poster—Just Do Your Best!—but that’s truly the best and most profound advice.

Given the nature of your music, do people project a kind of “tortured artist” thing onto you? And how do you circumvent that?

When I’m on stage I try to think about things before I just rush in and say something silly... but I’m also quite silly. That being said, I’m not a Lorde or a Taylor Swift. I’m not someone who is playing stadiums and who has all these eyeballs on them. I don’t think I’m expected to be a role model. I’m not at that level. Still, people often take the slices of life represented in the songs and expand that to represent my total personhood. I think another task of mine is unifying Julien of life with Julien of the record, which often entails saying dorky, cheesy, positive things and making bad jokes on stage. Sometimes it goes over well, sometimes it’s like crickets in the audience and people are like, “What’s going on? This is too much of an emotional pendulum!” and they look freaked out. Then I just play my songs instead of making more lame jokes. I think merely by existing and refusing to give in to the persona of brooding tortured artist, you prove the point of you do not have to be sad all the time. You do not have to be defined by your sadness. I think about these things when I write songs and when I play live shows. I am trying to break the spell, in some way, that when you see someone up on stage singing sad songs that there is more to them than that. Sometimes you can’t help but be perceived as a kind of persona, but why not be a persona that’s actually realistic? I’d rather do that, instead of just posing over here in the window sill with my copy of Rilke and looking really bummed out. That isn’t me.

Recommended by Julien Baker:

Things that are inspiring to me right now...

The novel Gilead by Marilynne Robinson (a recommendation from the ever-wise Lucy Dacus)

The poetry of Beyza Ozer, a poet recommended by Morgan Martinez, editor of Hooligan Mag (an inspiring person in her own right)

The art of Kazuo Shiraga

The bands PWR BTTM and Camp Cope; their music, their social commentary, their unapologetic commitment to change through art, honestly just them as people, all of it

The paintings and zines of Ariel Baldwin, great pal/Memphis-native/Chicago-resident, makes some really provocative and powerful art about healing.

(x)

[dootznbootz]

Hi, what do you think about epic the musical as an Odyssey fan? Just curious

As an Epic the musical fan, I LOVE IT! Everyone's so talented and I love the music style!!! It's super fun and creative and it's amazing that Jay basically writes it all himself!

As an Odyssey fan... It's INCREDIBLY different. To the point where it's more "Odyssey inspired" than the actual Odyssey. But that's the thing. I wouldn't say Jay WANTS it to be word for word Odyssey and I DO think that'd be...kind of hard to do? Especially for Modern day.

It still has most of the "spirit" of the Odyssey though I feel like which is SUPER important. I'm saddened that very few adaptations really "balance" Odysseus' assholery and "goodness". I love "shithead Odysseus" but personally, I'm happy as long as an adaptation keeps to a "family man who wants to go home" for the most part :D (I really fucking hate the whole "Odysseus! The clever, swashbuckling hero who gets all the babes! ...He has a family?!" bullshit. That's very much not him. (He likes shiny things, yes but that's it)

More personal rambles below :D

I think it's interesting that Polites in Epic is more "peaceful" when in the Odyssey, he's called "captain of armies". And the fact he's killed right away when he was one of the last men alive.

Also Odysseus' and Eurylochus' friendship! I think it's sweet in the musical while in the Odyssey, it's quite tense. It gets more and more tense in Epic later on obviously but in the odyssey, it's been tense for a WHILE. Also!

Shout out to Armando Julian! Eurylochus' actor! I see a lot of people talk about Polites, Poseidon, Circe, and Hermes and they get a lot of fanart and love with their songs (rightfully so, ofc!!!) but Armando is really talented and people really sleep on Luck Runs Out! I'm about to become a vocal nerd for a moment. He's got a wonderful vibrato! I really love how he sings "feed" during Full Speed Ahead and "Captain, please" during Remember Them for example. His voice really fits with "speaking on behalf of the crew".

I know most people have a lot of feelings with the Circe Saga but I think that Jay did a great job considering... everything. Book 10 and 12 of the Odyssey are very complicated and I don't blame Jay for not wanting to delve into EVERYTHING with that. Odyssey Odysseus gets SA'd twice and while "I'm Not Sorry for Loving You" makes me worry, I really do think Jay will pull through with how fucked up Calypso's situation while still not having the graphic scenes in the Odyssey. It would be very hard to not only have what was basically an exchange for his men to be turned back to humans but if he interprets it happening throughout the entire year like some readers do, then that's really hard. :'D To truly portray Odysseus' fear of Circe while still having her be morally gray. As she very likely didn't mean Odysseus harm after a certain point but he was still afraid regardless.

Not only trying to not have such disturbing stuff shown in his musical but also, I think Jay was possibly trying to be considerate of Madeline Miller's Circe fans while still trying to show Odysseus discomfort and distress???? 😅 Sounds weird but like, as soon as I heard Circe talking about the nymphs being like her daughters and that she protects them, I thought that. That book is HUGE and I'm sure that many fans of it don't necessarily want to see Circe's "I do whatever I want. I don't need a reason. Woe, Oink be upon ye." as the most likely reason they were turned into pigs in the Odyssey is that ODYSSEUS is associated with them (the boar scar, the metaphors when talking about him in the Iliad, his trusted Swineherd Eumeaus, BOAR TUSK HELMET. Like, that's kind of the animal that represents Odysseus. (even when a spear pierces through a boar's hide, it'll STILL charge as they're that ferocious and determined...Just like Odysseus, a man who should be dead but isn't because of his will to go home. Homer didn't write them being turned into pigs necessarily as a "Men are pigs" thing.

I think the modern shift in how the situation seen today and other media of the Odyssey is why he wrote the songs he did. And considering it all? He did a good job navigating it. I'm very happy with the results!

I have more thoughts probably but those have been stewing in my brain for a while :D I definitely look forward to the next sagas!

[mejomonster]

So Sherlock Holmes Chapter One (from my naive just-started-playing perspective) seems to be a soft reboot of Frogwares Sherlock games, in the sense its a sort of origin story of Sherlock before he meets John Watson amd is the generally well known investigator with the personality and talents we (overall) expect. Since its a sort of origin story, it opens on a Sherlock (Sherry) with some personality traits in different values to the standard Later Sherlock, and with some skills just not as good yet (his deductions Feel far more fallible as they can be wrong in this game, or impossible to determine for sure if correct, amd from a gameplay perspective a young still growing Sherlock makes this feel more realistic, vice versa from a story perspective the gameplay lets them show Sherlock's young character and growth in the game). As a sort of original origin story, Frogwares has this creative freedom to change Sherlock (and add to/remove/edit) the Series as much as Sherlock adaptations do when they veer into some brand new aspects (like say Elementary, House, Psych). This is still the Sherlock Holmes we mostly know (or rather will BECOME the Sherlock Holmes from the original books mostly), but the changes made to him in Chapter One carry over into The Awakened. The 2nd game using this adapted version of Sherlock Holmes with the character changes and background history context that this original story in Chapter One added to the character. So it makes The Awakened feel more like an adaptation (like say Elementary or House etc) rather than an attempt to be mostly matching Book Sherlock.

Mostly, i like it. I like seeing original ideas and how theyre played with. Its like seeing an AU of sherlock, or a canon compliant add on (like in fanfiction). Its like the stories of Sherlock written after ACDs stories, based on them, but making new Sherlocks to some extent. Or interpreting in new ways by adding new ideas, or changing one or two, or changing setting and seeing how that effects the characters/story (like time period changed in Elementary etc).

I havent played the older Frogwares games (Crimes and Punishments is next on my list to play, maybe The Devils Daughter?), but i assume for the most part theyre going to be what i expect of BOOK Sherlock if put into new cases/situations.

Whereas Chapter One, is one (of a million) possible ideas of who book Sherlock might have been Before. Possibly taken to a bit of an AU route, just because i think in Chapter One they lean into a few character traits and growth arcs (and quirks) that make this Sherlock feel a bit distinctly different from the Original Sherlock cultural expectations from audiences. Chapter One Sherlock wants no friends, no anyone close to him, is bad with people. Thats a trait he gets better at by The Awakened, but its also one that some Adaptations give to Sherlock more than perhaps original Sherlock may actually have. Chapter One Sherlock, most notably, is given an origin story where his mom suffered from intense grief of his father's death, her own mental health deteriorated and she got ill, he felt unable to help (and was sheltered/lied to about the whole situation), was attacked by his mom (which his childhood self somewhat blamed himself for), and she died (and he blocked out the memory it was so painful). The origin story in the game is why he ultimately withdrew from people: he feared hurting them (fearing he hurt his mother), he feared them hurting him (his mom dying, mycroft lying, dad dying), he feared loving and losing them (for understandable reasons). Its not just a trait in general, that he doesnt like socializing with people or simply isnt good at it, in the game its a trait in part Because he's afraid of connecting to people and at least partly is pushing them away on purpose. The origin story in the game also has Sherlock react so strong to his dads death, his general childhood, that he has an imaginary friend Jon he relies on to self sooth. Because its a game, its a wonderfully utilized aspect that lets the player have a companion and Sherlock bounce off ideas aloud (when to a degree its just him working things out to himself). Its a tangible visible manifestation of what Sherlock emotionally goes through inside: his disassociation from reality and his own feelings, his desires FOR companionship and relating to people, his love of mystery and adventure and its escapist purpose for him, his care for people embodied by Jons compassion for others, his morality clearly more than sherlock lets on as he insists he doesnt value connection but does value Jon and Jon values connection so on some level Sherlock does and knows its valuable, its his hopes and fears, his self soothing to heal himself And his coping mechanisms of avoiding his own feelings and reality. Jon is a wonderful way to externalize all that so the audience can understand Sherlock internally, and so Sherlock can understand himself. (It also makes for an interesting original and emotional young Sherlock story).

But it has consequences. Jon is handled very significantly, which means going forward, when THIS chapter one Sherlock is used in future games its no longer just the Expected Overall General Sherlock. Its now a very specifically adapted Sherlock, with the character changes and history from chapter one informing how this new version of Sherlock is unique.

In The Awakened, this is a Sherlock we the player know had his own imaginary friend. We know he'd dissociated before. We know his mom had memory loss and believed her dead husband was alive, and how real it seemed to her while it was also very Painful to her family, we know Sherlock's seen doctors fail to heal mental health and potentially do harm without it being stopped in time. And its very interesting to see a Chapter One adaptation Sherlock in The Awakened scenarios. This version of Sherlock isnt going to question being transported to another dimension: partly because as any Sherlock does, he will assume a logical explanation like having breathed in drugs and hallucinated. But also, this Sherlock has seen things that no one else can like his imaginary friend Jon, his false memories then remembered memories, knows he's lied to himself with his own memories or completely blocked things out before. So it makes sense he wouldnt think a new dimension is weird to see: it could be his own mind making it up, or blocking out whats really there, he'd just accept the current thing he's seeing and act practical. When they go to the mental hospital, he sees the girl talk to her doll and to him its not much different than how he talked to Jon, when the doll talks it doesnt really matter if the girl is pretending to talk for the doll OR if the doll genuinely talks and is sentient. Its the girls business, Sherlock just intends to solve the mystery. He's not better than the girl, he's not judging the girl or her situation, he's quite neutral. He's been to some extent where she is, and still calls out to Jon when afraid, and can understand some of her own perspective. When he meets Becker, and realizes who it is, there's a parallel there between a mom who in Chapter One has the backstory of memory loss (and how Sherlock saw it growing up) and seeing Becker who's had that fate intentionally done to him by the head doctor. So from this version of Sherlock, theres an added weight to how cruel that is viewed by him. This Sherlock sees intentionally making someone forget as an extremely cruel thing to do. He views his own forgetting and then remembering the truth in chapter one, as ultimately a good thing despite being incredibly painful. So we know going into The Awakened that hes going to hate people who cause others to forget, who hurt other's minds or medically abuse others, he's going to have some compassion and understanding for the victims, and he's going to value people remembering the truth and the truth being Revealed to more people as positives. He's going to not question possibly supernatural things, as he's seen things others dont before and might even assume seeing such things is normal For him (so he doesnt question why he might see something Watson doesnt for example). The whole Chapter One shaping of Sherlock Holmes adds this interesting angle on a new Story. It could be any story now, and if Sherlock saw things others didnt we may not know for sure if they were there or just there for Sherlock. It could be any story now, and Sherlock may not question some things and instead consider them normal, and might have a particular hatred for lies and medical abuse to an extent even greater than perhaps expected of other Sherlock adaptations. And in this particular The Awakened story, it has things to play with that make Sherlock interact with the mystery in some ways that i dont think another adaptation might have. (Again, about the girl and her doll, i think a version of Sherlock who'e never had Jon might view and judge her thinking differently, i think a version of Sherlock who'd never forgotten his own memories or had Jon might question going to another dimension or hearing voices a Bit More).

Im only about 50% through the Awakened so feel free to ignore as i may get some things totally wrong. I just find it interesting how some Chapter One writing decisions make this Holmes a new version.

[elaho]

Stardew Valley MBTI x Enneagram: Haley

Following my last post about the Stardew marriage candidates and their MBTI types, I've been learning more about Enneagram, how it pairs with MBTI, and how it changes some of the typical characteristics of each type.

The Enneagram and MBTI complement each other wonderfully, providing greater depth and understanding of how a person interacts with the world [Cognitive Functions] and their motivations why [Core Desire/Core Fear].

Here are my thoughts on the MBTI and Enneagram pairs for Haley.

Haley - ESTJ 3w4: “The Professional”

“ESTJ 3w4s are ambitious people with a sprinkle of creativity. This personality type is goal-oriented and works harder than most. Because of their wing, they go about their tasks in a unique way.” - Personality Hunt

Haley’s Core Desire: To be successful and unique

The core desire of the ESTJ 3w4 is to be successful, using their wing to create a unique path for themselves.

Haley's desire for success isn't stated outright, but her actions and the dialogue about her in-game indicate that she's looking to achieve a certain level of 'societal success'.

However, she doesn't want to 'succeed' in the traditional way of actively working to gain success. Instead, she wants her own success to be achieved for her 'uniqueness'. By channelling her efforts into cultivating and maintaining her physical beauty, she aims to become the perfect trophy wife for someone rich and live a lavish life of luxury.

"Emily's friend had this swimsuit shipped to me from all the way out in Zuzu City. City fashion is on a whole different level, isn't it?"

"Laying out on a tropical beach.*sigh* I think I've finally found my place in the universe."

"This town is so small. It sucks. I have to drive, like, twenty miles to buy any decent clothes. That's why I usually just order online."

"I've decided I am going to organize my clothes today. I'll have to throw out all of last year's styles to make room for the new ones!"

“I wish Haley would get a job or at least contribute to cooking and cleaning. I think she's hoping to marry someone rich.”

Haley’s Core Fear: To be a failure or seen as a failure

The core fear of the ESTJ 3w4 is to be a failure or be seen as a failure, even if they know they aren't. Appearances matter a lot to 3w4s, both in how they see themselves and how they're viewed by others. However, Haley's desire for success goes beyond simple ambition. She seems obsessed with maintaining a flawless standard of beauty: perfectly tan skin, skin-kissed blonde hair, the latest fashion trends, flawless makeup and accessorizing, etc., Whom she associates with is also an important factor in appearing successful, such as having the 'perfect boyfriend' [Alex] and distancing herself from her 'weird' sister and others in her community.

Her behaviour leads many to believe she's just a spoiled brat who was babied by her parents, but in reality, Haley is afraid of failure; deep down she thinks she isn't good enough.

So to ease her own fears and insecurities, she tries to keep up with the impossible beauty standards she imposes on herself and hyper-focuses on how she is perceived by others who have, [in her eyes], achieved success.

Her pride prevents her from being honest with herself and accepting criticism from others when it matters.

“She should take the 'high road'? What's that supposed to mean? You think I'm being a baby, huh?”

“I'll be fine on my own...Thanks for the memories. Why are you still clinging to me? Go live your own life.”

“Haley is too proud to be heartbroken over the divorce... Or at least to show it.”

"My sister is so weird. Sometimes I wonder if we're actually related."

"I'm feeling an urge to go shopping. Ugh! I wish there was a mall here."

"…Well, I guess I used to like Alex. But not anymore! He's immature."

"I've never been to the forest. It's muddy and I could get a blister on my foot."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

How Enneagram 3w4 changes typical ESTJ behaviour:

New Strengths

1. Less Extroverted

"ESTJ are already introverted extroverts. The spectrum shifts even more with ESTJ 3w4s. Because of their wing, this personality type will crave alone time and autonomy.

So, expect them to be less social than typical ESTJs. It also means there’s a constant battle between type 3 and type 4 regarding human interaction.

The extent to which this applies depends on the strength of their wing." - Personality Hunt

Examples:

“Um... Yes? I didn't hear you, I'm thinking about something else.”

“Haley is ignoring you.”

“*sigh*...what do you think I should do today? I'll probably take a nap later.”

"I spent 3 hours practicing my signature today. I guess that's pretty silly, huh?"

"The only good thing about winter is that I get to sleep more. I like at least 10 hours of sleep every night."

2. More Interested in Fashion

Type 3s care about outward appearances and type 4s care about being unique, so it makes sense that ESTJs would be more interested in fashion.

Combined with their exceptional cognitive skills at strategizing [Te] and ability to maintain standards [Si], the primary goal of the ESTJ 3w4 is to create a lasting impression with their fashion sense.

Examples:

“Hmm... If it weren't for those horrendous clothes you might actually be cute.”

“Do you wear those clothes every day?”

"I'm going to start writing a list of all the clothes I need for next spring."

"I think I'm starting to realize that clothes aren't the most important thing. Right? I still like clothes, though. I mean, what's wrong with expressing yourself a little?"

3. More Creative

ESTJs are very pragmatic people who look to achieve tangible results in their daily lives. However, the ESTJ 3w4 is slightly different. Their enneagram makes them more creative and future-oriented than typical ESTJs.

As a result, they often have a good idea of what they want their near future to look like and infuse more art and creativity into their goals and lifestyle.

Examples:

“My name means 'field of hay', but I like to imagine it as a meadow full of sunflowers..."

“Wow, look at how the sunlight sparkles on the horizon! I bet the sunsets here would make for an amazing photo. I have to remember to bring my camera next time.”

"I felt like I had no direction in life before I met you. Now I have exactly what I want."

"We've got to make sure the farm is cute! That might be important… right, honey?"

“I cooked dinner last night. It actually turned out okay! But I did make a huge mess in the kitchen..."

"Hi, honey. Hey... I have an idea... I want to get everyone together for a charity cake-walk. Uh... It's kind of like musical chairs, but everyone wins and gets cake! You'll see...”

4. Status Conscious

"Type 3 is overly interested in what people think of them or how they’re perceived. This interest drives them to preserve their self-image. It also goes side by side with their need to look fashionable.

This has its advantages. ESTJ 3w4s are more likely to be noticed first. This can aid their careers." - Personality Hunt

Examples:

“Emily's friend had this swimsuit shipped to me from all the way out in Zuzu City. City fashion is on a whole different level, isn't it?

"This town is so small. It sucks. I have to drive, like, twenty miles to buy any decent clothes. That's why I usually just order online. What?”

“Hmm. What brand is your shirt? Oh. Um, never mind.”

"You got Haley to marry you, huh? I always figured she was out of your league!"

"I'll admit… I was a little jealous when you and Haley got married."

5. More Sensitive

ESTJs aren't known for being sensitive. They are Thinkers first and foremost, making them less sensitive to emotions and feelings [of others and their own]. Using logical reasoning, they prefer to communicate in a straightforward, matter-of-fact way that can often make them overly blunt, tactless, or dismissive.

ESTJ 3w4s are different. While they retain their inner logic, they are much more tactful and emotionally aware than typical ESTJs.

Once she connects more to her Introverted Feeling [Fi], Haley begins revealing the more sensitive, thoughtful, and empathetic part of herself. However, ESTJs tend to be very private about their innermost feelings and desires, so they only open up to people they are close to and trust.

Examples:

“Did you see last night's episode of 'Tears'? *sob*... I can't believe Kyle and Amy broke up...”

“Yesterday I found a seagull with her wing caught in a net. I set her free, of course. She looked so helpless, the poor thing.”

“...Maybe [my great-grandma’s bracelet will] wash up on another shore. I can't bear to think of it at the bottom of the ocean.”

“Fall is kind of sad for me... everything is dying.”

"I talked to my sister for a while last night. I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. You know, Emily's not actually that weird. I guess we have more in common than I used to think. Don't tell her I said so."

New Weaknesses

1. Can be Self Absorbed

"[Being an ESTJ type 3 with a] type 4 as a wing comes some weaknesses. One of them is the tendency to become self-absorbed. When stressed or unhealthy, ESTJ 3w4s might become wrapped in their bubble.

During these periods, they might become hypersensitive to any situation they find themselves. It can make them feel really special or cursed. Regardless of how they feel, it can make their loved ones feel like outsiders." - Personality Hunt

Examples:

“I feel the urge to go shopping. *sigh*”

“Your name is Farmer, right? I keep forgetting.”

"I wish someone would bring me a peppermint coffee. Don't even bother, I know you won't be able to make one."

[Spouse Flower Dance Accept] "*sigh*… My days of being Flower Queen are over… so it's a bittersweet dance for me."

"*sigh* I could really go for a cupcake right now. Do you need something?"

"I'm feeling an urge to go shopping. Ugh! I wish there was a mall here."

2. Competitive Streak

Type 3s are competitive people and while this can be admirable, it can also get out of hand. Combined with Haley's desire to be unique, her competitiveness comes out when comparing herself to the farmer, especially in the beginning of their relationship.

She constantly critiques the farmer's choice of clothes, profession, and even their smell. She is especially ruthless towards the female farmer, implying that Haley views her as competition.

Examples:

“Nice shoes. Are those made out of plastic?”

“Nice makeup. Or wait... Are you even wearing any?”

“Hmm... If it weren't for those horrendous clothes you might actually be pretty... Actually, never mind.”

"Don't you get tired of running around on that farm all day, or whatever it is you do? I couldn't stand getting all dirty like that. You probably get a nice tan, though."

“Getting the perfect tan is an art form...It's kind of like toasting a marshmallow... you have to rotate the body just right.”

"Ew, you're all dirty."

"Do you wear those clothes every day?"

"Hmm… Something smells weird…You've been working on the farm, huh?"

3. Excessive Focus on Self Image

"As stated earlier, self-image is important to ESTJ 3w4s for good reasons. However, when this is taken too far, it can cause problems.

This personality type can become too focused on self-image that they prioritize over anything else.

Thus, they may have fake lives and lie to seem more appealing. This can affect their personal relationships. ESTJ 3w4s need to sort out what’s most important." - Personality Hunt

Examples:

"Maybe I'll donate some of my skirts to a charity this spring. I mean, I do have over 1,000 skirts."

“Is that a grass stain on your knee? Sorry, I'm allergic to grass.”

“I've never been to the forest. It's muddy and I could get a blister on my foot.”

“My sister is so weird. Sometimes I wonder if we're actually related.”

4. Eternal Battle for Self-Identity

The conflict between type 3's need for image preservation and networking and type 4's need for independence can create a life-long inner battle for the ESTJ 3w4.

This can lead the ESTJ to wear facades for long periods, and if left for too long, cause them to lose sight of their core values and what they really want in life [especially if they get disconnected from their Fi]. In extreme cases, ESTJ 3w4s can spend their entire lives trying to discover who they really are.

Examples:

“I need to find some kind of hobby other than shopping. I've decided I want to expand my horizons. Maybe I should learn to play the mini-harp?”

"Shopping just doesn't sound as fun as it used to. What's happening to me? Hmm..."

“I should start reading some books instead of magazines. It's good to learn things, isn't it? I only ever look at the pictures.”

“I never thought I'd say this, but the country lifestyle really suits me.”

------------------------------------------------------------------

Conclusion

Haley is one of those characters that, whether players love her or hate her, has more going on than what first impressions imply. We're first introduced to her as a mean, shallow, self-absorbed, spoiled brat of a 'princess' who only seems to care about her tan lines and when her next shopping trip will be.

However, once we get past her 'mean girl' facade, we see someone deeply afraid of failure or being labelled a failure. As a result, because she tries so hard to keep up with trends and outward indicators of 'success', Haley doesn't really know who she is and what she wants out of life.

Her friendship with the farmer helps her to get more in touch with her Introverted Feeling [Fi], her weakest function as an ESTJ. Once she does, she begins to define for herself what it truly means to be successful, regardless of external standards or expectations.

She starts to find meaning and purpose in embracing nature, getting into photography, and helping others in her community. She even organizes an entire charity event by herself, infusing her creativity and passion for cake into the event to raise money for Jas’ and Vincent’s education.

"Hey! Oh, good, you brought the cake!.. It's a pretty good turnout [for the charity cake walk], huh? Thanks everyone for joining in. We raised over 5,000g!... It was a big success! Thanks for helping out, honey.”

She comes to cherish the town she was once so desperate to escape from to be successful, and instead, finds meaning, value, and joy in being a part of her tight-knit farming community.

"I used to complain about this town being so small, but I've grown to like it. If it was much bigger it wouldn't feel like a community."

"I felt like I had no direction in life before I met you. Now I have exactly what I want."

Do you agree that Haley is an ESTJ 3w4? If not, what type do you think she is? Let me know your thoughts in the comments :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------- References:

Personality Hunt: ESTJ 3w4 - The Complete Guide

[vanillaxoshi]

Boom badabim bada pow

Welcome to septuplet au! Also now called injuries matter au

Where i make the elements into siblings but despite this being done but a bunch of people let me make this my way or-

Maybe a similar way ig

What you see above is Cahaya and daun

There aint no way Cahaya will become just fine after being hit on the head and the abdomen or gut by a giant hammer and flew thhrough metal floors? Ceilings? (I know this happened to boi but dont drag him into this. this is also a septuplet au he aint included but dont u dare get ideas👹👹👹)

And he got thrown to space twice, very high or low temperature causes dead cells and stuff (welcome decayed skin)

So- yeah, he got into a longer coma so to speak, perhaps the actual logic into this is death but lets not get into that and just do 2-3 months folks

According to google said symptoms for frontal lobe damage are:

Weakness on one side of the body or one side of the face, Falling, Inability to solve problems or organize tasks, Reduced creativity, Impaired judgment, Reduced sense of taste or smell, Depression, Difficulty controlling emotions, Changes in behavior, Low motivation, Poor attention span, being easily distracted, Reduced or increased sexual interest, Odd sexual habits, Impulsive or risky behavior, Trouble with communication

And vocal chords get damaged with cold temperature so-

Kk, hes not completely incapable as he heals overtime(note: not completely), but trauma with the dark :> oh how will that help if he doesnt sleep well :)

(he uses sign language if he needs to stop speaking)

ALRIGHT moving on to air

Dude got his arm melted off by roktaroka i think thats his name, which very much hurt because lava, is still slow, which meant it was slow and painful, and with it being put on ice immediately (yes this situation summoned ais) it left quite a huge mark

And he also cant keep the ice hand for so long so bros ambidextrous just uses left the most now, might have trauma from long distance attacks and perhaps hot temperatures, so you could say api is trying his best for air and that goes the same for air to api

LETS GO DAUN

Yes he gains a type of inferiority complex so he has to be included and does his best, but not only that, he gains lightning scars from kirana, on his hands, so he has trouble controlling those hands

They will randomly end up shaking sometimes, and randomly drop as in become paralyze, this resulted to a lot of things to become broken, and this is where daun feels bad for gaining this problem, and at times might hurt like theres still lightning striking him

OF COURSE petir feels bad and blames himself for getting caught like that haha-

Bro also got caught or kidnapped three times he blames himself for repeating that situation a lot.

ANGIN well, i know the fandom makes him love yaya's cookies, but imma be honest here, those things basically drugged him into drugging everyone, he for sure gained fear of those cookies. That made him out of it

Buuuuut what if as well he has a temptation to eat it at times, despite his whole mind not wanting to, so when he does end up eating it he becomes nauseous and vomits :)

API doesnt like seeing fear in peoples faces but that never washes away bc of his anger issues that causes people to be afraid so lets go low self esteem-

Tanah wants his brothers to be more better so thats why he shoves all responsibility onto himself but that also causes trauma!!!

Hes so afraid of losing them that he became very strict which causes to some arguments but he also tries his very best to look tough and be more capable, but there are times where its obvious like with movie 2, api and air try their best to help him despite him pushing them away and being in denial. Gopal was the one who did end up calming everyone down

Angin is the one who sees him always and is always the one who conforts him

Petir feels even more down knowing that hes the oldest and that he should be the one to take that burden of responsibility.

And yeah i might add more but who knows

[audistorium]

How I Even Got Here: A Letter from Lemon to Hopeful Creatives

This is going to be a lot. But maybe that's why we(I) made a tumblr. This is a place stories like these can be told.

Four months ago I was not a showrunner.

Four months ago I had no idea what to do.

Four months ago I had little to no friends in Audio Drama as a whole. There were a small handful of twitter people I knew, and I was a ghost in a few discords because I was afraid to ask anyone anything. But.. I was mostly riding solo.

I spent several years learning nothing but sound design after becoming completely enthralled by The Sandman. Shortly after I found SCP Archives and indie Audio Dramas that blew my mind.

Yet even with all that time making soundscapes and learning the intricacies of sound design under my belt, I still felt that gnawing imposter syndrome of creating a show. I've now learned this is pretty widespread in AD creators. Funny how that works, isn't it?

Who was I? Some broke kid from Arkansas that's fascinated by productions of sound and theatre of the mind? A less than well known comedian that wanted to tell the weird tales that manifest from nothing in my brain? I guess in the end that didn't really matter to me. I wanted to tell the scary stories that popped into my head and combine them with later episodes that tell funny ones. An interweaving web that I couldn't get out of my head until I brought it to life.

I talk about the night I uploaded my first episode a lot. My hands were shaking. My heart was nearly beating out of my chest and my face was buried in my palms for a while. I ended up saying "Fuck it." and hit upload. I sat there for a while just watching the episode pop up on different platforms one by one.

There it was. The thing I built up and wrote and worked my ass off for so long for. "What now?" I wondered.

I sat there for an hour kind of looking at the Spotify cover art that had been done well over a year before this point. Yet somehow it felt more real now. More tangible. This was something I could hold in my hands now and say I created. That was an unreal feeling. It was even more mind bending to think that this was only the start of the journey.

I got on Twitter that night and posted about it. It did not take long for someone to reach out. That person was Jesse Hall. Someone who showed me enough kindness to say all of these things that spelled out to me: "Hey, there are communities out there of people that want you to keep making these"

I ended up finding my home, The Liminal Lands discord. A show hiding out in a discord for another show. The thing is, though..

There really WAS this sense of community in it.

Since that point I have been in shows that previously I was only a fan of. I have met people that have been doing this for like 10+ years that treat me as a peer. I have other friends now that are also new showrunners.

I've been asked to be the sound designer in two different productions that are aiming for Tribeca. How nuts is that?

While it does mean my own show has to wait a second, this is incredible that people actually want to involve me at such a level when I feel like the biggest imposter in the room.

It has not been an easy past four months. Not even remotely. I wrote, voiced and sound designed episode 2: Lemonal in 24 hours because I felt like I needed to tell that story. It was one that was very personal. I've been able to share experiences of helplessness, death and fear. But also personal growth.

Soon, of my own humor.

I can put all of myself into this and I never have any intention of stopping that.

Four months later, I am a showrunner. I am the writer, sound designer and often one of the voice actors in my own show.

Four months later, I am confident in what I am capable of, and I am extremely proud of what I've been able to do because so many caring people pushed me and told me that I can do this. That If I stop punishing myself and telling myself my work is bad, I'll learn to love it more. So I did.

Four months later, I have friends that I would not trade for anything in the world and I think that things are only going up from here.

If you stumble across this as a hopeful creative, and you're not certain that you can accomplish what you want.. Well. Look at me.

I had nothing and no one. Our very small budget got us 3 covers and published. Good enough.

Now I have people that care enough to make me better every day. People that just want to be involved in what I made. That is extremely cool, and nowwww, every time I make something new I improve. I couldn't ask for anything better.

Take the leap. People will help you. People will support you.

I promise.

[theambitiouswoman]

Hi sweetheart <3

I’m having a bit of a mental dilemma at the moment...when I was a kid, I thought conformity was key and really let my shyness sit in the forefront for most of my life, thinking that was what my family and society wanted from me.

But now that I'm in my early 20's and have to make a career decision I can't push this feeling down any further. I know now that I'm meant to live my life more publicly and really go for things creatively and in the entertainment field. It feels completely undeniable that I really do LOVE the spotlight, and the right place for me is in entertainment - though I'm too embarrassed to act on it. How do I become comfortable with truly being seen...whilst also feeling my loved ones judging me for it? 

Sending all my love xoxo

Hi babygirl 💞

It is great that you've realized your passion! It seems like you are ready to embrace it, but are worried about how your loved ones will react because they might have different ideas? Embracing your true self and pursuing your dreams is a brave step. The key is to first accept and love yourself for who you are and what you want.

Talk to your loved ones honestly about your dreams and why they make you happy. They may come to understand and support your dreams, especially when they see your dedication and happiness. You may feel guilty for disappointing them. You may still have some doubts because it goes against everything you were taught to believe. Self doubt, family expectations, fear of judgement, risks.. are all normal feelings when we are venturing into something new and different and really creating a life for ourself. Like I said, pursuing your dreams takes courage and we will always have these mental hurdles to overcome on the way. But we have to want things so much, that our fear doesn't matter.

Getting comfortable with being seen, especially in careers like entertainment, can take time. Start by accepting and liking yourself for who you are, including your desire for attention. Try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. Build up your confidence by practicing and learning more about what you love to do. You can begin with smaller audiences and gradually work your way up. It's important to remember that everyone starts off as a beginner and everyone makes mistakes. Just put yourself out there. Do not be afraid to be your authentic self. You can't live your life for other people.

Follow your heart <3

[monsterfloofs]

For the ask thing, anything you are excited for lately? Can be anything at all!

(Recently I got excited for the new Zelda game and wondered if anything has got your brain buzzing with excitement as well.)

Thank you for reading and I hope you have the loveliest of lovely days! 💕🌷✨

Oh hi! That is so lovely to hear that you got a new game, I hope you enjoy playing it! ( ◜▿◝ ) That sounds like a fun time I wonder what the new mechanism is for this game! = O I know there is one game where people were building some insane looking stuff! XDDD

Oh gosh, for me aaaah hm! I can't really think of anything right now that I am excited for! o.o ) I do have a... number projects cooking on the mental griddle at the moment! (So many pancakes...) I have a secret project I have been apart of >:3c as well as, working on too many half baked story wips x-x ;; ) I start them and then I ramble off elsewhere aaaaaaa sjdjdjdsj there is one I want to finish because it was from my design a monster / story with emoji and I am really liking how it's turning out. I am trying to experiment and put more creativity into the prose itself, I also have a friend acting as a beta reader. (Which I have NEVER had before, but has been a fun experience!)

Putting a read more because I ramble!

Let's see... is there anything else I can think of...

I have books out from the library, but I have been reading other books instead. orz I relistened to an audio book that makes me laugh because of the how silly the characters are. I been laughing... AGAIN about this particular look in gothic fashion that I have deemed "Just rolled out of the coffin," where it's, as the name says, looks like a very groggy looking vampire who just woke up. So I am wrestling with myself to not throw more on my plate because gosh I really want to draw Lawrence in that. XD (I also wanna draw Lawrence in a t-shirt with the picture of Noseferatu flicking the lights from that one time in Spongebob but PPPPPFFF)

The same beta reader friend is trying to convince me to work on that story again and AAAAAA that story is... such a... double edged sword to me, personally. On one hand at the time of finishing it, it felt like it was the best story that I have ever written. On the other, HOW DO I CONTINUE THAT?!?! D: How do I keep making it that way? And then anxiety hit and I froze over and couldn't bring myself to continue it because the fear of... messing up. And not sure where to go forward and being afraid I would spoil the story if I did skdjdkdkekd

There's a lot of things I would like to work on. o-o ;; ) I really gotta find a way to organize myself better between art and writing and just, creating in general. That and trying to restablish my art on different art websites has been stressing me out lately. ;-; ) I deleted almost all of my art off of instagram... which was almost 550 pieces of art, drawings and doodles.And realizing that place held 5+ years of my art journey and I had just deleted it was... hard to take. Still kinda mourning that and trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces.

Ahah! Sorry! People chat to me and I chatter back... A lot =u= ;; ) Sorry for the paragraphs! I don't usually go on and on like this, I mean I do on tumbly, I don't really feel like I pop off like this much in person. It's kind of funny and amusing to me that once I am here I become such a chatterbox!

I guess all my buzzing thoughts need to go somewhere sjskdjdjs

Ah yes, exciting things, I have things that I could be excited for once they get a better level of polish... I told you about the life things. Uhh, wracking my brain, the last thing I was kinda excited for was that I splurged and bought a pajama set from a small creator that I really love. They have a lot of cute spooky patterns and things. And this piece was from their Valloween collection which had ghosts, hearts and bats on it. 👉👈 (I also bought the cardigan with the same pattern when it first came out because it was love at first bite-- I mean sight! x//D This is the place I splurge on when I want to treat myself to cute spooky clothes. Gosh I wish the plague doctor button up came back in bigger sizes again. ;3; )

[theoxenfree]

And all those feelings will take time to settle, time and effort, and they'll never vanish, but you grow around them. Like you say, you're setting yourself free to start healing.

It's downright horrifying to have such a large part stripped away, no matter if it's done good or bad for you. Part of the beauty of the future is that it isn't set in stone, being afraid of who you'll be without could be what it takes to start working towards becoming who you want to be.

In the end, you have a say in that. And that's both scary and wonderful <3

I'm certain you already know all this, you strike me as very intelligent, but sometimes hearing it from someone else can be, in my experience at least, a much needed confirmation when your own thoughts are scrambled.

As much as I'm obviously shy - hence why I'm on anon - I've long wanted to try working up the courage to interact with you. Although an online friend can't substitute having someone you can meet in the flesh, having more people to chat with rarely hurts right? Respectfully giving you a thought hug, deep breaths, you're incredibly resilient to have gotten this far even if you shouldn't have had to be, this too will pass. I sincerely hope you can slowly start to build the life you want to live from here.

the chances of me having anything completely "normal" in this lifetime is pretty slim, even with therapy, because the damage has been done and twenty-five years of deep-rooted trauma and resentment likes to hold on pretty tight. but, I want to believe now that I still have a life worth living and that I deserve to find the comfort and peace in my life that I've never been able to have, or find, or believe I was capable of having.

I want to believe that I'm worth being loved and that I am capable of returning it to others in a way that doesn't become sour and destructive. I want to believe that intimacy doesn't have to be scary and that, someday, I'll find someone with the level of understanding and patience that I need.

but, you're right. the future isn't set in stone and it's up to me to decide what happens going forward. I feel like I've been going in the same circles all my life. over and over and over. digging a deeper hole in the ground without ever getting anywhere.

I am highly intelligent, extremely intuitive, robust, creative, passionate, and driven. I've pursued many things in the face of fear, and I'll have to do it again, just on a more... complex scale than any time previous. and I'd be a fucking liar if I said I know how to go about moving forward, or that I'm not scared.

but, I've known for a long time that I was probably never, truly going to be able to get where I wanted in my life unless I confronted those old beasts and wounds, and now that I have, well, the challenge becomes knowing that I can't hold myself back anymore from trying and doing.

I think I'll get there. it'll take time.

I don't know who I wanna be just yet, but I'll hang onto my spite and rage bc there's still a whole hell of lot to be pissed off about in the world right now

anyway, thank you for reaching out and talking to me despite feeling shy. your words give me courage to feel that I've done the right thing for myself, and, hopefully, for other people in his life. I accept your hug wholeheartedly 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂 ilu, my dear

I know that some folks who follow me have been through similar things. and I'm so sorry. from the bottom of my heart, you have all my searing rage, my anguish, my love, and all the strength in my soul and bones

I know some of you can't speak, won't speak, or don't see the point in it, but just know you've always deserved better, you still do, and it's time to try to live the lives that we all deserve to have

[at-the-end-of-time]

This is a dark premise. What made you want to write something like this? /noff

First off, I'm stealing /noff from you, I haven't heard that one before jfndnd

Second, I will put below the cut cuz this one's a bit heavy.

I've struggled with things like death and my place in the world for a while. I like to think I know who I am, what I'm about, and what I want to do, but I also know that I'm capable of so much more, y'know? So do I persue storytelling like I've always wanted, or become a biologist? I know I'd enjoy both paths, but which one is more fulfilling?

Not to mention, I've been outrunning death from some of my own earliest memories. One of my most formative memories is in one of those pools where lifeguards can control how big the waves are, and I followed my dad to a deeper part of the pool to get his attention. When he didn't even realize I was there, I pushed further, until the waves grew too much and I couldn't touch the bottom. I remember the feeling of water filling my lungs. I woke up on my side, and my parents were filling out paperwork with the lifeguards. Whoops.

I've got so many bad experiences 🥽 ng that it's a wonder I'm not afraid of water. In fact, swimming is still one of my favorite activities.

In middle school, I got diagnosed with Graves Disease. First of all, great name /sar. Second, mine was so severe that my resting BPM was 160. Granted, I was in middle school, so that's not TOO bad, but even still a normal resting BPM would have been between 120 and 140. My running BPM got up to 230, sometimes 240!

I'm finally out living it now in my 20's, but I thought I'd have this stupid disease for life.

Also in middle school, I became clinically depressed, which spanned into high school and even made me suicidal for a bit. I made it, but it was gruelling.

In 2023, for my creative writing class in college, I wrote an ode to death that, when voiced, is about 8 minutes long. Still one of my best works.

Throughout everything, I've always been morbidly fascinated with the idea of death. If not dead today, right now, what would that mean? What would happen? Exploring those thoughts has sometimes been terrifying, and other times comforting. Terrifying because I'm worried I'll have missed my shot, and comforting because I know I'd be missed, y'know?

This particular story came to mind because of modern politics and the 5 different genocides happening globally. Why can people just stand by? How? When the greenhouse gases kill the earth, is it possible to escape? Will Earth recover?

And from there, I just combined the two.

Existentialism, fear, love, terror, death- all things I'm fascinated by in different ways, combined into one giant exploration of what it means to be alive. How DO you find the will to keep living when, ultimately, nothing matters? The ship WILL be sucked into the black hole. You can't outrun death forever. So do you just give up and surrender to it, or do you keep fighting for as long as possible? Why should you?

All that and more, I guess.