#(i act like i dont privately write for myself every day and still write them regularly)

[timothylawrence]

i know au's are like. your own thoughts and ideas but my au's are always canon aligned which means every new installment is like a kick to the gut because i need everything to like. make canon sense and things always get messy when new things are thrown on and aaaaa

[official-sovietunion]

Yesterday was trans day of visibility. I want to write this post here bc it is the only account online where i feel comfortable doing so. I dont use this account anymore, but when i did, i was very vocal about being trans.

I was vocal about being trans everywhere. I was, and still am, proud of my transness, and dedicated to fighting for myself and my trans siblings. I was also pre-medical transition, and despite feeling i looked very masculine, existing in the world meant outing myself every single day.

It is exhausting. It is exhausting to constantly be fighting and correcting and telling not only strangers but people ive known for years. I did not know there would ever be another option for me, so i accepted this and fought and made damn sure my voice as a trans person was heard. It is also exhausting to be homeless and stealth for safety reasons, knowing you have nowhere to run to, knowing that any sign of queerness could be the end of your life, knowing you must constantly hide and choose your words carefully to not gibe anything away.

Shortly before starting hormones, i experimented with being stealth in a particular online community that is known for its edginess and tendency to attract bigoted people (there is also a large amount of queer people in this community and we've managed to shift the userbase over the years to be more inclusive).

I made this decision because of the interactions i would have with some members that were sometimes s3xual, as well as interactions i had on dating apps. I had sent some nudes with a packer to cis men on grindr without really meaning to pass it off as my natal organs, but they assumed i was cis. That was the first time i realized i might be able to 'pass' in this capacity.

I knew that many of the cis people there, if they knew i had certain parts, would never fully think of me as a man. I just wanted people to imagine me with a penis regardless. Did being stealth in this community work? Not exactly. A lot of people made it clear they knew i was trans and would harass and ask me invasive questions, but i was adamant in never admitting my transness to them. We dont owe cis people anything.

Shortly after this i became homeless, following my 18th birthday. from that point on i have been 100% stealth until i find out someone else is trans too, i will tell them in private. At first i was getting misgendered still, but i would act confused like 'you thought i was a girl? How wacky and unusual for me! Haha!' This seemed to work pretty well and after a couple years on hormones i passed pretty much 100% of the time.

A lot of trans people read me as cis. This was comforting, briefly, since if even another trans person couldnt tell, a cis person definitely wouldnt be able to. But i hate it. I hate to think that any trans person has to wonder if they can be themselves around me, if they can trust me. Its interesting also to see the way cis people will talk to me about trans people, not realizing im "one of them"

I feel like i am betraying part of myself. I feel like i am betraying the whole trans community. I want to fight and be vocal again. I want to actually be open about my gender identity. I tell people i am a man because it makes things easier. Because it is safer. Because of all the people who just continued to call me a girl and said i had to pick a gender. I dont have to pick a gender. Gender isnt real to me. I will present the way i want to present.

As i get closer to bottom surgery, i feel much more confident that i will be able to be more vocal about transness. I dont know what i will tell people about my gender identity. I dont really want to have to have a gender identity at all. I have experienced far too much ego death to be connected to any concept of identity that goes any further than a preformance. I just dont want people to know my AGAB. i want them to see me as someone who has always had a penis, even if it was only in my mind for much of my life. What i really want is for people who have no business in my pants to stop thinking so hard about whats down there.

I want to balance being able to maintain my privacy while not feeling i hafta hide myself. I want to balance being able to feel safe with my activism. So many people dont have the priveldge to hide. I was one of those people once. I dont want to hide, its more important than ever that trans youth see people that look like them. This isnt something that will come easily, with everything happening politically. And aside from that, untill theres not a single transphobe left in the world, i dont think ill ever feel completely safe as an openly trans person on the street. But im working towards… something. Like everything, itll be a transition.

Im tired of my identity, my existence, being so intertwined and influenced by violence, biogtry, capitalism. If it werent for the way cis people treat us, if it werent for the way this society works that keeps us poor and refuses us housing, i wouldnt hafta worry about any of this. I would be loudly and joyously trans. I dont know if ill ever be able to get to that point, bc its not even really up to me. But if i am willing to speak up and fight, i can help make changes that will make it possible not just for me but for everyone.

[theuniverseawakens347]

Again how do you live with Lee for 33 years / 34? But 23 on record Paula change but Lee herself w station 7 Steve Harvey stache Dunlap … I LITERALLY SHOWERE PHOTOS OF LEE N HOWARD TO YOY GUYS … OFF MY IPAD PHONE N TWITTER.

Crayy_crayy

… I ASKED FOR THERAPY FIRST AND CAME W MARGIE STILL INTACT FROM GILBRIONNA MURDER AT 4 … lost Margie at 14 to liver cancer.. 15 asked for a therapist ( Margie passed at 18 monrovia across from the high school a few blocks from downtown monrovia where they do the big Christmas tree - WHY YOU GOT HER STUFF ANIMALS FROM HER OFFICE ( MY TEDDY BEARA FROM MY BED I THREW OUT FROM EVERY FUCKING CHILDS COURT VISIT I WENT TOO + VINTAGE DOLLS MARGIE GAVE ME - our favorite Toy Story on our walks ) …

Anyways 1st therapist you had me go to was off larchmont after Margie .. I DID ONE OR TWO SESSIONS ( next to the make up beauty pink building - across from the eye doctor on the right going south bound - KAJA EYE STABBING ME 2014 and me getting it checked out ) .. anyways THAT BITCH WAS UR THERAPIST DRUGGIE BUDDY BACK IN THE DAY ( Paula why you got this similar Taylor - Kimberly) … but uncontrolled motion white lady black hair .. like that dyke* from American horror story BOBBY BLUSHAY MOM lookalike … 2 sessions at most and she was bias in favor of Lee being a good mother n me being a brat - told Lee I was uncomfortable and stopped going “why” - BC BITCH THATS UR THERAPIST SHE DONT CARE WHAT I GOTTA SAY YAL FUCKING OR MONEY LAUNDERING THRU THE MEDICAL OFFICE - THATS WEIRD LICK UP INFO RN 9:47 pm left lib….

So you get me Michelle Cayley at 16 I see her she’s black sagaftra building - keep it all in Lee acting insurance huh ucla bob hope … but Michelle at like 16/17 I said I was starting to feel uncomfortable ( living w white lol trying to survive being black and a good little nigger bc me making mistakes of ANY SORTS is extreme tension - Lee” you’re wasting my money on private school if you don’t learn shit ima send you to public school” - drops me off a day at John .. what’s that van ness* off pico ARLINGTON .. middle school … LEFT ME FOR A WHOLE DAY JUST RANDOMLY “we’re going to visit them school” get there then “okay I’ll get you at 3 “ 🫤🖕 - Taylor sr Paula Barton. Regina king .. daisy florez ur oj act like this too huh India Warren “ I wonder why our kids are …” 🫤 why YOU RESTARD DRUGG ADDICTS SEX ALCOHOLICS … anyways

I asked 1st if I was adhd or add - I took Tasha adderal and it helped me focus in class and I was stoked normally I’m WALKING AROUND STANDING UP BORED DOING SOMETHING ELSE TAKING MY SHOES OFF SITTING IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS DOODLING UNTIL UOU TURN THE TV ON SCIENCE CLASS OR HAVE A GOOD BOOK OR DISCUSSION - math was weird I always looked at the posted and counted down time to leave or talked w neighbors - chemistry bitch you really waisted my time - IF I DIDNT KNOW IF I WANTED TO LEARN MORE .. anyways side note took the adderal ( and again in college to get papers done and had 1/2 left over when I works ed equinox FUCKTARD LEAH ALEX OD .. really cause I was taking these myself SO HOW BITCH “oh it’s expired” - THAT DONT MEAN OD SO WHAT YOU DO IN BENS NAME AND ERIC ROTISSERIE SEEN YOU KENDALL RAVE DJ PARTY VANESSA PARIS - who called the cops Ben or Brian my Claudia) … 9:55 pm car …

Asked Michelle and we took a test for both adhd and add 1-6 questions / 1-8 questions ALONE I GOT 4/6 and 6/8 “we should look into further testing apothy and I’ll talk to ur mom “ - cool thank you leaves goes home and tell Lee I scared this and that I think I’ll need another testing - weird cashay bc you did PERFECTLY fine when you were first brought into the house and they wanted to test ur math and reading skills .. - 54th lied and TCS Evelyn “cashay I want you to write the class notes and I photo copy them for everyone” - okay weird why “ur writing is the neatest” - DO WHY I DO SYLVAN LEE AND REPEAT 5 th grade - YA GOT NATEANA TEST SCORES. - I DO MY WORK AND ALWAYS FIRST TO FINISH .. SIGNED NEIGHBOR TO MAE PINK HOUSE MR. HARRIS WHY YA SON BABY MOMA COMING TO MY SCHOOL AND TESTING ME - DONNIE KEYS .. “it’s a special test for you” - 54 didn’t really have testing EXCEPT FOR CAT 9 - MISS. KATZ WHY YOU KNOW LEE LESBO FRIEND DONNA AND CECELIA .. SHE MY 3 rd grade teacher who I cussed out for being all up in my GOTDAMN home business and not doing shit good for me - Janae mother. .. ALSO BITCH WHY YOU TEACH ME MATH WRONG N SPELLING PRETTY WRONG - standards for no fucking reason .. am I writing what the other kids are writing but not talking to no one - oops WHY YOU JUST AINT TALK TO ME AND ASK WTF - MAE CATCHING ME CUSS OUT MISS KATS IN FRONT OF THE CLASS BEFORE A DENTIST APPOINTMENT SAYING HER THOUGHTS. - black teacher w the dreads you falling in the parking lot “ cashay did it she got magic” NO BITCH YOU CLUMSPY FAT WEARING HEELS SANDALS THAT DONT WORK FOR YOU - HI NEW WAY WHY YOU PASS - GRANNY FLORENCE. .. MAE PAYNE. KILLUMINATI…

🫤🖕

But like I said I asked took the test w Michelle told Lee and the next session I have with the three of us michelle changes up bc Lee said “she’s not any of these things “ - how you know Lee !?? - “I WANA DIAGNOSE YOU SCHIZOPHRENIC BC UR SAYING AND WRITING PPL THOUGHTS WITHOUT US TALKING TO YOU” - FUCK YOU IN FULL FROM GOD. - ALL MY OTHER TELEPATHIC FAMILY .. but cashay is different .. BITCH I KNOW THATS WHY YOU KILLING ME AND WORKING OVER FUCKING TIME AND STALKING ME - “she reincarnates too” - Lee seen me flying in my pole and she felt the fear of god and heard the voices and her mom n dad and KNOW ITS BC OF ME AND DONT WANA GO TO THE PSYCHWARD HERSELF HOWARD INCLUDED - STOP FUCKING W ME TIMOTHY WILL BE NICE TO YOU 🙂💋

Anyways then I asked Michelle “okay I’m feeling very angrey and just out of place and “I know my mom had mental illness” ( FUCKING LYING ASS BITCH ASS LEE - me saying her thoughts out loud too bout Darniece- Michelle thoughts too ( you a therapist n not talking straight to me about that - weird. FIRED BITCH) ).. “but is this normal for a teen as in hormones or is this the start of a mental illness?” - NO UR PERFECTLY FINE .. SAID IN FRONT OF LEE .. then me saying “okay i just wna check bc sometimes i just feel so angry and mentally clouded I can’t get my thoughts into full words” - LEES THOUGHTS ( oh so bitch you telepathic huh Howard she say ur thoughts out loud!?? Since when!?? 2021 watching me like YOU SATAN LIECE OF HIDING LYING FUCKING SHIT BITCH ASS CUNT. )

- woosaaah.. anyways I’m not crazy .. I’m just a little Beyoncé telepathic and less Satan and you all know that or else why did you sign ndas of illuminating killing sprees of my godly family for the “free” masons

🤷‍♀️😊

- power puff girls HI MOMMY N COI .. you really Darniece huh - OKAY WEIRDOS YOU WANT ME TO EAT THAT LIE UP FOR YOU OR YOU JUST GOT HER CPN - YA FAT MOM during left eye murder switch em around Darniece a star but Coi growing up looking like her - DNA TEST BENZINO “bitch you is not that cute and we DID NOT SLEEP TOGETHER SOOOOO HOW TF IS COI PUR CHILD” - idk Howard sperm .. lol my Dominican daddy .. how you living off that con Howard

���

Ronald Tom ( already fixed it Janet) NUGENTS.

- HI BLACK LADIES OUT WHITE IS SLAVE OWNERS THRU BUSINESS SPERMING AND MAD MY MAFIA OUTS THEIRS lalalaalalalalalaalalalalalalalalal

- DONT EVER FUCKING TRY ME AGAIN YOU STUPID FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT. - RESPECTFULLY it’s truly.

FUCK YOU BITCH - DARNIECE LEE she likes you 😉 Howard lololololololololololol

- YOU WANTED A PAYCHOPATH CHILD SOLOLL FUCKING BAD WHERES HARDLEY JOKER.

- split personality Lee I think you need Howard n Charles Manson award FOR DUMMBEST CUNTS ALIVE.

- my period is coming - I SEE BLOOD PPL. 💋💋🖕🖕

10:14 pm lees a whore a liar ass Satan bitch huh Howard peltko so ARE you - split bodies fake Teistan and cashay kingg 🙂🖕

[sorikkung]

IM BACK ON MY BULLSHIT AFTER REREADING ACT 1 NEW AND IMPROVED W MORE BRAINROT LESGO!!!

ive literally just been sending myself discord messages to a private channel while i read SKFDJGKSJF so here is. the compilation i guess

ok so rereading the first few chapters and. i completely forgot san smiled at mc straight away what was that. was it just bc he thought she was hot or did they already know shed be on that ship i needa know how early the plan was set in action... was this entire stowaway thing staged or was it only when san found her in the cargo bay that they were like yup shes a siren (maybe via seonghwa's siren powers sensing her, or when they took her jacket off to treat her arm maybe they saw the tattoo or sumn) like... i get the feeling they knew long before she first revealed it to anyone, based on how san and seonghwas entire relationships w her were done deliberately to gain her trust, it rly just changes the entire way i view these first few chapters its INSANE. i knew things would be drastically different upon a reread but like THIS different... these first chapters seem so light hearted and almost like, typical scifi story beginnings, like typical not as in bad but just standard for the genre yk, like oooh she impresses the captain and earns her place on the ship and they all have tragic backstories... but now knowing there is So Much More going on underneath makes this so much more sinister its Haunting. i fucking love it

also her saying wooyo looks vaguely familiar got me bc it could so easily be read as her seeing his glimpse of tan skin n dark hair before passing out, but no, that vague familiarity was from her past wasnt it... that first meeting w them hits so different knowing wooyo knows who she is the entire time. my god.

i also wanna note how drastically different the writing feels going back - it was good from the start, but only now that im rereading do i realise how much you've improved over the course of writing?? which is to be expected, writing something for this long, but wow, its cool to see the progression of such improvement yk. you went from good writing to Great writing to Every Fucking Line Is Rewiring My Brain Stem. goals

yeah see seonghwa saying joong doesnt make decisions on a whim and obviously decided she could stay long before he told her... he had to have known she was a siren already, right? like, why else would he decide to let her stay... unless it was just bc shes the ghost of eros and he doesnt know the details of that but like, idk, im not buying it

OH and this is reminding me of another thing i cant tell if this is just a progression of writing thing or if its part of the act they put on but like. san and seonghwa seemed like they felt pretty bad about killing up until this point. like seonghwa on the ship saying they dont have to kill everyone vs san wanting so badly to keep mc alive. this is part of why i think they mustve known she was a siren on that ship somehow bc yeah san did the same thing to jongho but we also know that hongjoong knew abt jongho right away. the san we know now doesnt seem like he holds much remorse for what he does bc hes just the captains loyal black dog… tho i do remember him feeling pretty bad abt it in the earlier chapters, i cant tell if thats just something he worked thru w mc or if it was just part of the act to gain her trust. man. i be doubting EVERYTHING now 😭 😭 😭

god i MISSEDDD the feisty sassy interactions w hwa and the mc omg things have gotten so grim now i literally forgot this was their original dynamic… “You’re so feisty, princess. If I didn’t know how dangerous you truly are, I might ask you to spar with me one day.” “You’re so romantic, pretty boy. I’m sure all the ladies love when you say that.” “All the ladies and men, in fact." i still fucking love that entire exchange its so good i love them

"and yet again you find yourself shocked by the boldness of this crew." i am once again wondering how much of this is just them being flirty bastards and how much of it was a LIE… or at least orchestrated SDKFJHKSDFHKSKFD also “Aren’t you a bit too cheeky for a criminal?” “Is there a special guide I should be following? ‘Proper ways to be a criminal’? Rule number one: don’t be cheeky with princess, it gets on her nerves.” is another really good exchange GOD I RLY FORGOT ABT ALL THIS I MISSED IT SO BAD i do love me some good banter. now when hwa uses the nickname princess it just feels so sad 😭 😭 😭

"It’s the little shit who plugged an anesthesia shot into your neck." i love it when fics refer to wooyo as some little shit or anything along the sorts its like. sooo true bestie i see we are thinking abt the same man <3 i love him sm

damn i forgot wooyoung was this Nervous at first, what was up w that… is it bc mc was there?? cause he seems mighty comfortable w the rest of em now SJKFDGKJSFD but then again that could just be after everything that happened afterwards. now i wonder if the real reason he went into the medbay was bc he missed her or sumn.

NOW I FEEL REALLY BAD FOR WOOYO, SEEING HIS LONG LOST CHILDHOOD FRIEND AND THE FIRST THING THEY WANNA DO IS SOCK HIM IN THE NOSE 😭 😭 😭

“Because you’re only good at causing problems, not fucking solving them." DAMN WTF DID WOOYO DO THAT MADE SAN SO MEAN TO HIM 😭 I DONT REMEEMBER THIS…

“In all the time you have worked together, you should know by now how San behaves and that he says things he doesn’t mean.” this hits a lil different now too, is he actually mad at wooyo or just tryna defend mc…. yeah im rly just here doubting every single interaction they have now SJDFKKJSFDHKSDF

"his amount of respect for his captain seemed lackluster at best." LMFAO IF ONLY SHE KNEW. ok so this fr has to be an act bc san would do anything hongjoong asked of him, so this is obviously him tryna appeal to mc as someone who also doesnt always agree w authority so she can confide in him, right?

"Yeosang won the mental battle. He wormed his way into San’s mind and won that way." at… telling him to shut the fuck up?? 😭 😭 howd That worm into his mind 😭

"you seem a bit more like the type who needs to be put in place rather than the other way around.” i rmb first reading this and thinking DAMN that is so ballsy for a man like yeosang to say, but is he just comfortable around her real quickly bc he knew her already. or, well, not comfortable, but comfortable enough to tease her like that hskdfgkjskdjfgsdf

“Oh? I didn’t know that you were an Elitist." yeosang you little shit SDFKJGKSDFKHSFJKDH

this whole interaction with yeosang is sending me now that i know he knows… my god hes such a little SHIT JDKFGKSDFKH

"For someone who is supposed to be a traitor, he sure seems to have a lot of pride in his home and military…" and now im wondering if yeosang really is still prideful which is. entirely possible and i could be reading too far into it or. is he tryna jog a memory….

“You seem to be the type to balance him out with calmness and humility. At least that’s the aura I get from you. Yeosang always feels so angry but you exude the opposite of that.” this bitch? mc? ghost of eros? CALM? SFDKJHSKDFHKSFDK girlies been tryna question n fight every bitch since being put on the ship but like, sure, i guess… lmfaoooo

"You can only hope that he somehow missed the marking on your back." suppose theres a chance he saw it here, but… i doubt it my bets are still on he knew the whole time shkdjfgksdf but i will see if he pays more/different attention to her after this 👁️

“Good girl. See, we can make you obedient yet.” yeah even with the context of all the future chapters what the everloving FUCK was THAT. are he and wooyoung not together already yet no they were together since long before the horizon right. i still dont know what hes playing at here flirting w her so much 😭

“Before it’s all over? How do you think this is going to end, Y/n?” how does HE think its gonna end? do he and wooyo and the others know what the big 3 were plotting to get to our ghost? i was under the impression only they knew about the whole deception to earn her trust thing, esp given how hongjoong treats yunho and manipulates him i figured the others would be the same but like… what answer is yeosang expecting to hear, here?

"And Hongjoong certainly isn’t the type to keep slaves, despite how he might come across sometimes. There’s a difference between being harsh and inhumane.” me when i manipulate peoples feelings, insecurities, trauma and relationships but i draw the line at keeping slaves… SDFKJGJKSDFKJHSDKJF i think hes still harsh and inhumane babes but ok!

“I know one thing for certain. You are not an Elitist.” yeah so he TOTALLY knew she was a siren i forgot abt this SJKDFKJHSKJDFH but hes waiting for her to say it herself, isnt he?

“I have studied Elitists in the past, and I am one myself." no the fuck you aint. SDFKJHKSJFHKJSFDKJHSKFD i used to think joong might be a siren as well himself but seonghwa would know if he was after sleeping w him so long and he still said without mc they only have One siren so… either hes a spectre, which, has no reason to hide from everyone i dont imagine, or hes a normie… my bets are on normie. so used to not being taken seriously for his class that he keeps it a secret and has a need to prove himself. honestly with the new interim id almost believe hongjoong was an elitist More if it werent for yeosang saying theres only one real elitist on the ship and its him SDFKJHSKFHKSDF

reading the first interims now and… man its crazy to think how Soft hongjoong was at the start. he was still cutthroat and ruthless, but he seems so much smaller here. like between this interim and the latest hongjoong interim, you can really tell just how far down he's spiralled. its fascinating. i love character development for the worse <3

goddamn all his worry about his crew members and being scared of breaking their trust… wheres this energy w ghosty SDKFJGKSJFGKSFDKG how far he's fallen fr…

"I don’t know how to fix him. I need to fix him. I need to help him. I just have to do something.” and he calls out mc for having a saviour complex… 🤭

anyway that was my rereading experience but heres some anecdotes from my two friends i dragged into it who Also happened to just finish act 1 and its interims around the same time

>friend 1 messages me randomly "this fic is getting me emotional wtf" and changes the topic when i ask them to elaborate KSJDFGKJ

they then (the next day) send me this screenshot followed by "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"

and this one followed by "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK"

then i asked what they think of it overall so far and they said is very good, theyre excited for the pace to pick up!

meanwhile friend number 2 was going thru it so i am suppling screenshots (mind the lack of cohesion theres conversations in between some of these but im tryna cap just whats strictly relevant LMFAO)

(this was the screenshot they attached w the withered wojack)

anyway if these friends r seeing this sorry for exposing u lol but i am at least preserving ur anonymity to a number <3 actually wait you shouldnt be reading this bc mad spoilers. well ANYWAY. i imagine the only one reading this far is the author so caly i hope this brings u some modicum of joy <3 KSJFDJGKSDFKJ onto the next act!! 🤩🤩🤩

tbh it was rly good timing that we all finished the act around the same time i have no idea what im gonna do when the reading inevitably gets disjointed (haha unless...?) i guess id chuck those into your ask box??? or would dming you be ok. man either way i am flooding the fuck outta ur notifs lately and i apologise do lmk if you want me to slow down SKDJFGJKSFKDJGSKJFD hope ur having a good day regardless :>

mists of celeste ➻ one

➻ pairing: ??? x fem reader ➻ genre: space au, pirate au, space pirate!ateez, angst, eventual smut ➻ Word Count: 4.5k ➻ Rating: M ➻ Warnings: language, violence, guns and weaponry, blood, future warnings tba ➻ summary: Sneaking aboard the ship of a renowned space pirate may not have been the best idea, but you’ll have to make do with what fate has handed to you 

⇐ previous | next ⇒

mists of celeste act one ➻ part one

‎

“You said that you’re with the military? I don’t recall the military having ships as small as yours.” If possible, your eyes would roll all the way back in your head at the man’s comment. Instead, you plaster a smile on your lips, gaze flitting around the bridge as you do. 

“Yes, Ambassador Salvadore. They sent me on a transport ship, as I am here to relieve the captain of his duties—”

“That is not necessary, Miss.”

“—on military orders, Ambassador.” Your grin continues to stretch as you gauge the state of the bridge. It is severely lacking in terms of soldiers, which is good for you on multiple fronts, but the ambassador before you is proving to be more difficult than you first anticipated.

Keep reading

[elio-monroe]

im so incredibly depressed. this post is bad and contains a lot of content warnings that i can't even get myself to type out. i have a hard time seeing any of the stuff ive gone through as real or actually mattering. through most of my life if i tried to use the proper words or phrases i was told i was lying and those things dont count.

so im sorry i cant make content warnings for the read more. just take this as a big general one i guess. im not writing this for an audience im writing this for me.

this is also like a novel. so maybe don't read it because you could be doing anything better with your life. i am not exaggerating. this is so long.

i always feel like a huge bother. like im making peoples lives miserable by being around them if i am not doing everything they want to do. lately i haven't been able to make many decisions by myself, i freeze up and i just cant do it. i have to wait to be told and its frustrating, i hate it. i feel so stupid but i also feel so deeply that anything i think to do will be wrong, that ill be stepping on someone's toes.

i know my friends think i should stop making myself smaller and smaller, they encourage me to take up space. which is nice, i think, but i feel nothing but disgust for everything ive ever chosen to do.

i wish i actually didn't know why im like this. but like... i grew up every summer going to east side michigan, my grandma's house. where my cousins were, my mom's side of the family. my cousin's demanded i spend my time equally amongst them. every night i would swap what house i slept over at, if they got into a fight and didn't want to spend days playing with each other id have to make sure i evenly split my time between them and acted like i was equally on both of their sides.

if they got mad at me, even if one got mad at me, they both would ahhh you know theyd do stuff that wasnt great. a... small and lesser example would be the time they chased me and get me into a corner to terrorize me with a mechanical toy hopper (bugs life). i was very scared of that character when i was young because he was the bad guy and i was like 5 or 6. theyd do a lot of stuff like that, that would elevate as we got older. sometimes even doing more... physical stuff. i tried to tell on them when i was younger, get any adult to help me but none would really believe me. i had a reputation for being a cry baby so to them i was making stuff up. my mom would be too drunk to care at the time (she is better mother now), and my dad wasn't present in my early life (navy).

eventually i stopped being a snitch, it only ever made things worse. i guess that was a good lesson to learn early on... maybe... idk. anyways, anything theyd do to me id just keep it bottled up. i still do. and its extended past my cousins.

in late elementary my friend, who was a few years older then me and in middle school and knew a lot more about sexual education ah, well i dont think she ever meant anything bad by it im still like friends with her though we don't talk really. but i think she is a good person who just, i mean i didn't know what was happening other then being confused because i hadnt had any sexual education.... haha aaah ive just been so stupid and behind my entire life...

when we had sleep overs at her place she would usually have me sleep on a single pillow because i was pretty small when i was younger and she thought it was cute and i wanted to please her so bad. i didnt have a cell phone but she did (these were flip phone times) and she use to take a lot of photos of me... kinda non-consensually, not like sexual ones or anything so i just let it happen because there wasnt any real harm other then my mild discomfort.

eventually she moved away. and then i moved away. we kept in contact though. like i said im still her friend.

middle school was catholic and rough. i was the poorest kid going to a private school. i had hit puberty right before entering 7th grade (my first year of middle school) and my boobs had already grown to be nearly double d. catholic school uniforms are not very friendly to more curvy body types. most of the girls called me fat, i really only had one friend (and one kinda weird stalker-like girl) who had much bigger breasts then me and was a little chubby. i tried my best to not be offended at the fat comments because my friend would get them a lot more and i thought that was fucked up. i never liked when fat people where the punchline to jokes, i didn't know the word fatphobia but i was against all the shit they went through.

anyways i joined the co-ed soccer team and all girl basketball team. i had three years of soccer (on an all girls soccer team, aka real soccer) and i was a fucking killer mid-fielder. my thighs were giant and powerful, i could run for and sprint for hours without slowing down. i was a jock and i didn't even know it. i outclassed pretty much everyone on that team and i was benched pretty often because of this. the coach hated me, like literally told me how i shouldn't be as good at soccer as i am because i was making the boys feel bad. he told me it wasnt my place as a girl to do that. he'd make me run lap after lap after everyone else was allowed to stop i had to keep going.

a bit of a back up here. but i am physically disabled... i don't usually like to say that because its... minor i guess and there are so many people who have it worse. so please don't think ill of me if you are reading this, i know it doesn't count but im just getting it out there i guess. anyways my ankles (and do some extent my wrist as well) are very weak. my ankles actually hurt every single day because i am a very active person and must be on my feet a lot for my job too. but basically my ankles never really fully developed despite how much i worked out as a kid. i droll my ankles probably like 3 times a day when i was younger, im a bit more careful now, only about like once or twice a week and i rebound from it very quickly.

anways after my first year of soccer we had a new coach (this was on the all girls team) bc our first couch had to retire due to... being... not a very great person lets say. the new coach noticed i walked and ran a bit funny and one day asked me if i would allow him or my parents to wrap my ankles in bandages. i agreed and let my dad do it since he was a (navy) doctor. and lo and behold i could play soccer so much better. the pain was pretty much gone and i could fully concentrate on playing the game. and i was so fucking good.

back to middle school (in an entirely different state too) the co-ed soccer coach found out about my bandages, because one of my teammates saw me wrapping them in the bathroom and told him, and he made me stop. i got worse but i still kept trying, i wanted to spite him so bad. i wanted to spite all of them. i especially wanted to spite the girl that disclosed this information.

i hated her so much. she commented on my body so often. she bullied me every single day of middle school (thankfully i only went to middle school for two years). she was fat but called me fat, i never retaliated because it was pretty fucking clear she was insecure. sure the comments hurt because they were mean, but god i much preferred her fat comments to what she would end up sticking with after she saw me naked.

we were both on the soccer team (and basketball team), this was a very small school and i was in the largest class, at 18 people. usually we would have a good amount of time for everyone to change in the bathroom stalls individually, but it was going to rain in the late afternoon and because ppl in ct can't handle the rain like ppl in wa our game had been moved up so we all needed to get changed fast. whatever, i did not care, and i began to take off my uniform. it became very apparent to every girl on that team right then that i was not fat. so much so that bully girl had to give her thoughts on my body which was "wow, deadname! you really aren't fat." she said more but i refuse to quote her directly as it was horribly degrading and very rude to sex workers. but the gist was i had a body type perfect for men. i was 13 and appalled by this comment.

i know that probably seems like a pretty mediocre thing to be upset about in the grand scheme of things. but at 13 i had some... unfortunate sexual time on the school bus with another kid. over the fact that i couldn't be ace because of.... being a tease i suppose. before 13 my cousins often commented about how id dress like a slut from time to time. and i guess they had a point, i have a pretty more sense of what my body looks like and what it is doing at any moment in time. through out my life and still to this day i accidentally show more "private" areas of skin. my ass is fat and short skirts look better on me then long ones (and i honestly do not care that much if strangers get a glimpse, its not hurting anyone and you can just fucking look away). as a kid i often had plenty of "outfit malfunctions" that'd show off my boobs, they really don't make little girl clothing that fits around double ds. and once again i was small as kid, i could not fit adult shirts or bras or underwear (despite how fat my ass is i still wear teen/little girl underwear if im not wearing boxer breifs bc most woman's underwear will sag on me unless i go to an asian run store. mass produced clothing is fucking awful and a scam).

one time, with my first soccer team, the first coach had invited us all over for a halloween party. my mom didn't allow me to dress goth (she was and might still be scared i'll turn out to be a serial killer) but on halloween she allowed me to wear anything i wanted. and i wanted to be a skull fairy because i liked skulls and i loved being able to wear mostly black whenever i could. the top was strapless, the breast size a good amount too small for my honkers but that didn't stop me. mini skirt and thigh highs. i added a black feather boa because i loved boa's but being surrounded by other children meant i could hardly live my true camp-self day to day, but on halloween i could wear the biggest sparkly black boa i wanted. i also had some cool black fairy wings.

at the party she had us play some games, typical things like dunking for apples (i didn't participate in that one because im very bad at not breathing in water when its on my face), and pin the tail on the donkey, like super regular kid games. but there was one game where we were split into three teams, where one person on the team was tied up and chained to a chair while the other teammates took turns trying to find the right key to release the various padlocks along the captives body out of a large bowl of keys. first team to get their captive free wins. as you might imagine this game went on for a long time because there was a lot of fucking keys and if the key didn't work you had to return it to the bowl bc it might work for the other teams and all the keys looked extremely similar to each other. i was voted to be the captive (i wasn't really liked on my soccer team but i was fairly good at it for my first year and the coach saw promise in me and the team wasn't about friendship, it was about winning (we won 90% of our games that year)), which i was fine with because i didn't like the idea of running back and forth and getting frustrated. and in all honesty i was a little freak and for reasons unknown to me at the time, i really liked the idea of being tied up so i let it happen.

and oh boy how i had greatly misjudged how disliked i was! i was the first of the captives to get tied up, and i honestly don't know if there was a sorta mistake on the amount of supplies that were needed but after me, the two other captives were tied a lot less strictly to their chairs. they only had their wrists, ankles, and waists tied and padlocked to the chair, where as i also had my thighs and chest and tied up (no padlock on those two areas though). it quickly explained to me those were for like setting the scene or something. i accepted it but i was starting to panic a little because my chest was tied pretty tight and if i moved even a little bit my top would start to slip down. i tried to stay as still as possible and not bring any attention to my gradual double nip slip. but ya know, its hard to not wiggle a little when you've got various girls hands brushing against you as they try key after key.

the horror of it really came after one of the other teams won, the other team finishing seconds behind them, and my team had yet to find a single successful key. my boobs were fully out at this point and my skirt had rode up so my kim possible themed underwear was on full display. i was pretty embarrassed about the kim possible thing, and i suppose i was right to because my teammates absolutely thought it was lesbian behavior to have shego's smug face beaming from crotch. and to make everything worse, there was no skeleton key to this game. i was stuck there until the actual fucking keys were found. the teasing was pretty relentless, even after the mom came back into the room to see how things were going she didn't help. i asked her to help, i was on the verge of crying because i was very humiliated and wanted to go home (plus i was battling the very alien feeling of arousal), but she figured it would toughen me up to... sit through everything. eventually i was freed and i cried in the bathroom and asked to have my mom pick me up. she did, she asked me how the party was and i said it was fun but i was tired. (as a side note i'd be totally down to recreate this in a far more consensual way hahaha. being tied up and played with by some actual friends sounds so lovely)

so yeah, the comment about my body being great for men, for sex, was a bit to raw for me. i didn't say anything back though. i didn't know how to respond because all the other girls agreed. i got into the next stall as soon as possible and never changed in front of girls again.

i also never wore that skull fairy custom again unless it was with a long sleeved black turtle neck.

i became so much more conscious to cover my body up. but that never worked. i'd continue to be touched and groped until i eventually chopped those puppies off in my third year of college.

but even throwing my boobs away, even after starting t, cutting my hair short, wearing the most conservative outfits, people still touch me. i've grown fine with being touched by friends, i know they mean no harm. or... i guess i hope they don't mean any harm. i think overall people are good and have good intentions and sometimes just do things on accident and we don't have to over analyze everything.

i dont like strangers touching me. but... i'm very very awful. im no good at anything and i just, i just let it happen. every time. i let it happen. i guess i try to softly push their hands away, but i get so scared if i try any harder things will go worse. i dont speak up or say no. at most i maybe shake my head. god i wish i wasn't so fucking stupid.

but then maybe im not. the overwhelming majority of people i try to tell about these things don't believe me. or don't think its really bad that it happened. when i was in college i tried to use the woman's resource center for... ah well for like rape related stuff. but they told me i wasn't welcomed in the center and that whatever happened to me was not rape and does not warrant support. i know its wrong to use resources and support for something you've never actually for real gone through, but i was... and i guess still am desperate for something. i don't know what that is. i don't know how to define what i've gone through. i just have been told its not rape, its not really sexual assault, and its so minor that i can't even call it sexual harassment. but... i've seen people with similar stories to mine get those resources and be welcomed, embraced.

i hate to say this... but sometimes i wonder if its because i wore a tie and dress pants everywhere in college. i've never dyed my hair, and i don't really... idk i guess i don't look queer enough or feminine enough. maybe i scared people because i looked like the people who did bad things to them. i hadn't started t yet when i was rejected from the center, i hadn't even had my boobs removed. but no matter where i went there was this overall feeling that i was 100% a man and men don't go through those things very often. and it made it worse that i was a trans man, if i talked about those things i was invalidating my own gender and it made others uncomfortable. i had friends that hated to think of me before i was chosenname, that would tell me i was misgendering myself if i talked about specific things i went through. so i stopped.

i understood then that anyone who claimed themselves to be a safe person to talk to about things, to come to when you needed help, where not for me. i did not count.

i didn't mention my time in high school. i had one good year, 9th grade, at a tech school in ct. i moved to mi a year later. but i was loved, i was popular, i was just me. i still cry thinking about how much better my life could have been if i could have stayed at that school and not moved away. yeah i was being used because i was the smartest kid in the school and i was actively improving the test grades so much that i became a literal bargaining chip at a big conference for the district panel on fund allocation amongst the public schools. i was very happy with this by the way, and i had actively and enthusiastically given consent for the board members to use my grades as a means to afford more for the school, we all pretended that i wasn't moving come the next year. a few teachers joked about kidnapping me so i could keep attending the school (another thing i told them to do but this time they didn't :c). anyways, worked out well, the whole school got funded, more kids with higher test scores started attentending after me, and now the schools been completely remolded (it was originally designed as a cold war bunker turned tech school hahaha. we had a boiler room still that would constantly blow up and we'd just get random days off of school. it ruled).

then i moved to mi. everything went downhill. i become the obsession of one kid in my grade who i unfortunately had a locker right next to. again i wore a lot of short skirts, but at this point i was wearing leggings underneath as opposed to thigh highs, and i wore my blouses all the way buttoned up with a scarf acting as a diy tie. it was a killer look, id still wear it. but this guy decided i was his anime waifu. he'd try to get me alone. he'd push me up against walls to tell me how beautiful i am and how he would do anything for me. it was pretty bad because i didn't know how to make boundaries. i was scared of him getting violent with me (though he never showed any tendancies to do so... i was... well we've established im stupid). so for three years id occasionally just have to deal with some guy with a huge asian festish trying desperately to date me. i avoided my locker as much as i could.

then there was the pathetic guy. he was a year ahead of me and not interested in my at first. i was on the quiz bowl team with him and he had a bit of a reputation of going after woman who continually turned him down, and he often tried to go for the more.... aaa mentally ill girlies. he went after my friend who was a senior (also not a girl anymore) and i hated him forever after being told about it. i tried to be rude to him, though i don't know if he ever understood that or maybe i wasn't good at being rude (though i'm pretty damn good at it i think!). but after my friend graduated he suddenly started to push himself on me. at quizbowl matches, id sometimes get a little overwhelmed by all the buzzer sounds so id occasionally sit at the back of the room to get a bit of distance from the noise (which everyone was pretty cool with!), and well he'd follow me right on back. he didn't want me to be lonely he told me. i never felt lonely, but i did begin to worry that maybe i looked lonely or maybe he was lonely. but i also didn't like him, but also i was at a sporting event and he was my teammate so i can't be rude to him. so id let him sit near me. then he'd get nearer and nearer and nearer until he had his arms wrapped around me. he'd whisper in my ear and dig his fingers into my thighs, sometimes he'd pull them apart. but i never tried too hard to stop him. i don't know why.

eventually a girl in his grade and on my team noticed this, and she started sitting by me too. he stopped. i never told her thank you, but i thought it, i tried to convey it with my eyes. she didn't care much for me but she always kept her gaze on me when he was around. sometimes.... i find it hard to believe she was the first person to ever help me out of something like that.

occasionally at school the guy would get me alone and he'd be rather violent. he'd make me feel bad that i never told her to stop staring. didn't i like him? didn't i trust him? he was so alone and i was too and he was just trying to make me feel better. he threatened to sue me when i told his younger brother i didn't much care for his big brother as he pushed himself on my friend years ago. i did laugh in his face because that was such an empty threat, even someone as gullible and stupid as me could put that together.

god id never want to relive middle or high school, or even elementary school... or college... wild because i was really good at school and i've never been good at anything ever again.

now these days... ah my adult years have been a bit better. i get groped a little less now that i don't have boobs. but i don't wear as much conservative clothing as i use to. i've started wearing feminine outfits again, which are nice. i try not to let the... weird things people say to me get me down. i try not to believe i deserve those words.

i tried to get use to taking the bus again. i live an hours walk away from my job but i live on a direct bus line to it. though over a year ago... when i was trying out the buses again by myself a man came up to me. i was sitting down at the bus stop and he stood right in front me of, very close, as close as he could be. he was very clearly homeless and most definitely mentally ill so i didn't want to be mean about personal space right away. so he started talking and i slowly pushed myself to the end of the bench se we had more distance while talking. but that did not work as he just followed. his questions got weirder. he had commented about how he thinks boys look nice in skirts and stockings and my stupid fucking ass was like "oh well thats great! he seems really supportive! i guess i don't have anything to worry about!" then his hands came down on my thighs. i placed my hands on top of his hand gave them a slight push downwards, i was trying to say "please don't" but that wasn't clear enough. he instead started rubbing my legs up and down.

at this point i was like "ah fuck! again! again with something happening at a bus!" but i could not summon up enough of a fight in myself and i just kept answering his questions like a dumbass.

then he asked "where are your parents", that was an odd question. "not here, at home probably." "are you heading to school?" "no... no." i was so lost at this question. it seemed so fucking bizarre to me "what school do you go to? what school around here? where are you going?" "i graduated!" "from where? when?" "grand valley! a few years ago!" then i watched his eyes grow cold. he stopped smiling. and he turned and left me. no further questions. the bus arrived and i got on. i just stared out the window and cried silently as i slowly realized what had just happened. i was suppose to then take the bus back, but i couldn't. i called my boyfriend and cried to him and asked if he could pick me up instead and he did. he promised me he would if i ended up getting to uncomfortable.

i try so hard to get use to the bus. i think public transportation is great. but i keep getting scared. my looks get me in trouble more then they give me any benefit. he isn't the first guy to think im a kid and try stuff with me. even in college well meaning people told me their attraction to me felt incredibly illegal. i still don't really know how to process that. personally i think i'm rather ugly and unapealing. but i've had plenty of people tell me they are attracted to me but feel bad about it. and i don't know what that means.

i know i can't have an onlyfans. no matter how much i prove my age it just gets reported for being csem, same with instagram. i had to stop posting pictures of my fully clothed body on insta because even those were getting reported! i can't show my face for my works socmed bc it'll get taken down. even when there was just the back of my head people thought i was a child (and were freaked out by the content of the reel due to my perceived age).

i feel like im just trapped forever in this weird... bubble. nothing ive been through is considered to be enough. but all of it slows me down. all of it scares me. all of it continues to ruin my life. i get anxious. i get so scared. i have to be told what to do. i need people to not see me as human because when people care about me at a deeper level, when they don't just see me as some fun toy to play with and throw out in a year, i get scared.

god this has gone on for so long. i did not mean it. but i gotta get in the shower. i have to go to work. im scared and anxious and depressed but i gotta go to work. i wish i could just do art. but i've just started self harming again instead. im so stupid. but i guess writing all this out was better then cutting myself.

now if you somehow read through all this. do not call the cops for a wellness check. i will try my hardest to do suicide by cop.

also never call the cops for a wellness check on anyone ever you fucking moron. do you know what they do? do you? do you fucking know? would you believe me if i told you even a single fucking thing they've done to me? or are you just going to ignore that and call because "youre so scared for me" and you think because im white ill be safe. shut up and unfollow me. never talk to me again. block me. you are a fucking idiot and only view the world in black and white. i do not need that in my life. educate yourself on the history of cops and disabled folks, trans folks, and gay men. seriously. fucking go and learn and be a better person.

[tlanwen]

Every time wenzhou should have (or could have) kissed in the entirety of Word of Honor (2021)

a few disclaimers- 1; MEGA spoilers for the whole entire show. yes, all the way up to episode 36. 2; we have gotten so so many sweet moments in this drama and there is no doubt in my mind that the production crew did their absolute damnedest to give us a genuine love story with all the constraints that were set on them. they did a fucking incredible job and the lengths they went to to embody wenzhou’s love and bond on screen is commendable to say the least. and i owe them my life. However i just think said sweet scenes just scream ok now kiss at very specific moments, and i need to get it out of my system. Long ass fucking post under cut!

are you strapped in. ok let’s go

The rooftop scene (Episode 9)

earlier in this ep we get the legendary “the world isn’t important, what’s important is finding your soulmate” monologue, perfect setup leading up to their rooftop drinking date. the “why won’t you ask me why i’m happy?”// “i know you’ll tell me, in your own time” exchange??? a killer. a kiss would fit in perfectly, ideally right after zzs shushes wkx (and wkx shuts his mouth. for once). quite literally this moment is Made for a first kiss.

“You look like a worried mother“ // drinking by the road (Episode 12)

man, this episode. I can’t decide which moment is more suitable (and both happen in busy streets so that rains a little on our emotional parade), but at this point we’ve got acknowledgement on both sides that they’re willing to accept each other as the people they truly are, and they’ve rescued their surrogate son from impending doom twice. but i am leaning towards the latter scene, esp bc of the way zzs leans into wkx while they’re talking. he hasn’t done that much up until now. kiss kiss.

Talking about disguises & mustaches (and getting on one’s knees?¿) (Episode 13)

this scene is so fucking sugary and light, they’re just teasing back and forth (zzs! teasing wkx! that’s new!). we also get the severely cute “wait, did you just admit that my face is outstanding?” line. just kiss already.

Rain divorce (Episode 14)

angst? did someone say, pain? if this were a regular boring romance flick, this is were the tragedy-ridden kiss would go. wkx is watching the future he planned for both of them crumble right in front of him, trying to come to terms with the fact that zzs is dying (and that he did it to himself, on purpose.), and zzs is just kind of going thru it. the rain really would add to the drama of it all, like Right after the “fortunately, fortunately...” line. punctuate it with a kiss. would also add to the irony of wkx saying he hasn’t fallen yet, and yet here he is, a mess, bc of this information he wasn’t ready to receive (thanks ye baiyi).

3rd child rescue and cave chats (Episode 16)

we’ve had the angst, we have the begrudging /i’m mad at you and i love you but i dont like you right now/ moments, and in comes more rain and wkx monologuing. zzs saying that wkx isn’t evil and that he has a kind heart is exactly what he needed to hear. and i just think he should’ve finished it with a kiss <3

Drunk mess wkx (Episode 17)

why is this man allowed to drink. this is all so much take your fucking pick. after the “my lips are the perfect size, right A-xu?” comment, the ”does it hurt?” coupled with wkx’s hand reaching out to zzs’ chest. the “i’m just scared. could you not die on me?”?? zzs tucking in a very drunk and sad man and saying “one day you’ll open up your heart to me, until i achieve it even god can’t tear me away from you” just............. pick a line any line. 

Tumbling out of the cave under Longyuan Cabinet (Episode 18)

specifically in that birds-eye shot where it slowly pans over to their disheveled faces after the romcom-esque tumbling out of the tunnel (that was framed oh so romantically in the episode trailer. complete with romantic music). like are you Kidding me. 

((i’m skipping ep 19-21. i think some people would say at any point during the cave scenes/the shidi/shixiong reveal would also be fair game, but in my opinion it’s far too much of an emotionally volatile situation so i can’t see any kiss potential. the hand holding and comforting was much appreciated tho))

Wkx sneaking up on his deep-in-thoughts husband (Episode 22)

secluded lake? check. all alone? check. gentle smiles in a tense moment? we got a bingo. at this point zzs knows who wkx actually is And respects his decision to go by his own chosen name as a separate entity from the healer sect he came from (for his own personal, maybe misguided reasons). and i just think that *screams*

Waking up from the stress induced sleep (thru the power of hand holding?) (Episode 23)

this whole thing was so much, and the way the scene is framed to look like it was zzs’ touch that literally woke up wkx, And the way he looks at him after he wakes up. yea. kiss methinks.

Literally the entirety of the night time venting/healing/spilling ur guts out scene (Episode 24)

Ok i’m about to contradict myself here, i said im not going over ep 19-21 because Volatile Emotions, and this scene is also very viscerally emotional and intense but oh my God the intimacy! the openness! i had to look away multiple times during this scene bc it really seems like a private moment we shouldn’t be privy to. i cannot in good conscience say that, had wkx not kind of stormed out at the very end, a kiss would be guaranteed. whether to soothe zzs after so much crying or whatever other reason.

Painting restoration (also episode 24)

wkx’s second love language is acts of service and this episode is all the evidence i need to make that statement. we do get a very cute heartfelt family hug in here and wow cute but im sorry i cannot let go of the fact that there should have been a kiss here. i really hate inserting photos in textposts but i have to bc i need everyone to understand how much zzs looks like he wants to devour wkx whole after he realizes what he’s doing

look at it. he’s down bad.

More drinking! yay! (Episode 25)

just soulmates drinking and talking in the hush of night after their kid has been put to bed. always a great way to start an episode. they’ve settled into 4 seasons manor at this point and it doesn’t look like they’re going anywhere, they just look so comfortable in these shots. if u dropped a quick peck on the cheek in there i wouldn’t blink twice.

Narrow escape from dying with (and for) each other, courtesy of ye baiyi (Episode 27)

at this point most secrets are out of the bag, they see each other fully and were about to be killed 4 seconds ago. we’ve got the perfect setup, zzs already grabbed wkx by the face, the only thing between them and a kiss was the looming threat of sepsis.

speaking of episode 27, The spice grinding scene (have i mentioned i fucking love episode 27)

just two soulmates grinding spices at night. this scene is so lighthearted and cute, after a whole episode of emotional turmoil and cementing how emotionally vulnerable they're willing to be/how dedicated they are to respecting each others’ boundaries while still supporting each other, a kiss would fit in for sure.

Literally any point in the new years celebration (Episode 28)

waaAAAAA family decorating, bickering, and dinners. if i was writing it in i would put it right after chengling runs off to watch the fireworks, leaving wenzhou alone with each other. but anything goes really, they’re in their element all episode.

Knight in shining (red) armor rescue (Episode 30)

first of all- fuck prince jin, second of all, THIS SCENE ARE YOU KIDDING ME. literally the damsel in distress getting rescued. complete with a horseback ride! and wkx kneeling in front of zzs and acknowledging him as his master (and therefore himself as part of the sect again!!!!). so many emotions. i dont even care if they’re in front of all their new disciples. a romantic kiss is necessary. it would be so easy for zzs to take the hand he’s patting wkx with and use it to drag him up into a kiss.

Hairpin scene (Episode 30)

i’m not even gonna say anything. these bitches engaged on screen. good for them

“Save it, you“ (Episode 32)

god. just god. zzs gently floating down to wkx, thinking he’s gonna throw his life away in anger Again and getting so very in his face. and saying That. with That smile. what else is an option. there is no other option. just kiss.

“Senior, please let me handle this“ (Episode 33)

i am willingly ignoring how fucking painful this scene is if you think about it for longer than 3 seconds. wkx isn’t dead! and the asshole forgot to tell his beloved to not do anything stupid while he was away! oopsie! zzs is a)very mad, b)very relieved, c)is about to experience a lifetime’s worth of regret in about 3 minutes. but first thing’s first, the love of his life isn’t dead. that deserves a kiss.

Drunk wkx 2: painful boogaloo (Episode 34)

these episodes are so painful to re-watch lol. wkx clinging to zzs’ waist and talking about how easy it is to be a good happy person when he’s around him. they probably couldn’t manage a proper kiss between the alcohol in wkx and the Pain in zzs, but a gentle forehead kiss would fit in well while zzs is softly petting wkx’s head (still resting on his chest. that’s an important detail).

Wedding aftermath (Episode 35)

i’m so distraught. anyways. you can’t tell me zzs was going to sulk away to die alone like some sort of tragic housecat while wkx is recuperating after the battle (and after losing the second most important person in his life) without a kiss. not without giving him the gentlest of forehead kisses.

Literally at any point in episode 36

i’m watching this tomorrow but i don’t need to. i don’t care. we know what happens. we know how it ends. if you’re about to give up your life to keep your soulmate alive you best preface it with the kiss of a lifetime.

[descendants-one-shot2]

Hey! This is me and my friends joint account and this is our first post so here are some prompts you can send us with a descendants character(s) and we'll try to write a one-shot about it! Thank you and go follow our personal tumblrs at @blue-freckels @07-18yess

“I already see it now, you weren't built for backing down”

“You have to understand that The one I killed is me Changing what I was For what you wanted me to be”      

“You'd probably punch my arm right now If you saw this tear  rollin' down my face hey, man, I'm tryin' to be tough”

“my high school ring will have to do 'Til I can buy a wedding band”.

“She couldn't be at home in the night time because It made her feel alone, but at that time she was too young” 

“I met you in the dark, you lit me up you made me feel as though I was enough”

“Hate to ask, but what's it like to leave me behind?”

“ I won't be like you” 

“I'm more than my body you can pack your things up, buh bye, just go” 

“If you see the boy I used to be could you tell him that I'd like to find him And if you see the shell that's left of me could you spare him a little kindness”

“I know you think I got it all figured out 'Cause I walk around like my head's in the clouds but I'm just a boy with his heart pourin' out of his head”

“But I'm causing you so much frustration and you only want the best from me” 

“Youre trembling…” 

“Youre ignoring all your problems” 

“Dont do this to yourself” 

“Stop pushing everyone away!” 

“Youre a monster” 

“Its midnight, where the hell where you!?” 

“Where did all those bruises come from”

“You really need to stop drinking, im serious!” 

“Sometimes i wish that i could just fall asleep and never wake up” 

“They cant do anything to me, i have nothing left” 

“Put that knife down��” 

“Youre either with me or against me” 

“When was the last time you ate?”

“Why arnt you eating?”

“What were you thinking!” 

“Im starting to think that you want to get yourself killed…” 

“I love you” 

“I hear you talking but i still dont have my coffee” 

“Youre bad for me, but ive always liked junk food” 

“Were from two very different worlds” “so lets build a bridge” 

“I hate You!” “aww i love you too” 

“Youre gonna hate me if i tell you” 

“Youre my best friend” 

“Im sorry” 

“You cant fix me” 

“Fucking Magic” 

“You have no idea what im going threw” 

“Fuck you” 

“Are you with me” 

“ i drink to escape the pain” 

“Youre all i have left in this shitty world” 

“Im scared” 

“Stay with me” 

“Looks like ya got a problem friendo” 

“Im always by your side” 

“I cant let you do that” 

“I love you to much, to leave without you loving me back” 

“Why the hell would you do that to yourself” 

“Im a monster” 

“Did he hurt you…” 

“No dont touch me” 

“Why did you flinch…..” 

“I would never hurt you” 

“The scars make you who you are” 

“Are those….new” 

“Made a wrong turn, once or twice Dug my way out, blood and fire” 

“We made these memories for ourselves”

“I swear it will get easier”

“They think i hate them” 

“Im not scared of you anymore” 

“You are not my father” 

“I hate everyone” 

“Sing with me” 

“Your hair is really soft after you wash it” 

“Stop fussing, im just brading your hair”

“If you steal the blankets im gonna put my cold feet on you” 

“You are my new pillow” 

“Ive known you since… forever, i cant imagin my life without you” 

“If it wasnt for you i would be lost, im so lucky you came into my life” 

“Youre my bestfriend, youre suppost to deal with the second hand embarrassment”

“You dont have to deal with everything alone”

“You know me better than anyone” 

“Ugh-  youre sweaty get off” 

“We should run away” 

“I have no sympathy for a criminal” 

“I wasnt planing on asking you but it acured to me that life is short so will you marry me “were 16” so?”

“The dog loves me more” 

“Can you stop playing connect the dots with my freckles” 

“Together we can do anything 

“Who wouldnt be angry, you ate all my cereal” 

“I hope you know my name is actually_____”

“Doll~” 

”stop touching my neck” 

“Where were you when your father told you Boys don't cry,”

“An if theres a next one i hope that she can love him the same”

“Then we won’t make it along, but hey, I guess    that’s love”

“But ill leave a message so i’m not alone”

“The day that they took you i wish it was me instead” 

“Diamonds they dont turn to dust or fade away”

“I should be happy of course” 

“But tomorrow makes me scared”

“I’m ready to forgive you but forgetting is a harder fight”

“I've been praying for forgiveness, you've been praying for my health”

“Does it ever drive you crazy, just how fast the nigh changes” 

“Scream and we shout we make up the same day”

“Every jewel on my crown you better believe i earned it”

“I hate you I hate you but i was just kidding myself”

“It kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless”

“Too tired to fight”

“I gave what i could and the rest was stolen”

“This city never sleeps at night”

“Remember that night” 

“I can speak to you by saying nothing at all”

“too young too dumb to know things like love but I know better now”

“What did i do wrong this time, thats parents for you”

“Please don’t come after me”

“We’ll always love you no matter what”

“you'll understand when you love someone”

“An we just pretend i can take it back”

“It didn't always hurt this way”

“Am i messed up, forever flawed, beyond repair, but forever yours”

“You’ve got you peace now, but what about me”

“One last word, one last moment”

“I see my future in you eyes”

“I am not afraid to walk this world alone”

“Nothing you can say an stop me going home”

“Awake and unafraid, asleep or dead”

“You wanna be a loser like me”

“Ill get yo back when im your boss”

“Cause with all  that has happened  think that we both now the way that the story end

“I got an idea, and i know that it sounds crazy”

“She expected the world”

“Life goes on it get so heavy”

“On the edge of paradise”

“I don’t love yo im just passing the time”

“But who could love me i am out of my mind”

“Beg you to stay”

“Don’t know if you love me or you want me dead”

“Sometimes when i look at you i see my wife”

“Don’t be his friend  you know you gonna wake up in his bed in the morning”

“We need you, i needed you”

“That i was nothing but a kid who couldn’t understand it”

“If you really cared for me then why you acting”

“Never planned that one ay i’d be loosing you”

“We made a pact”

“In another life, I woul make you stay”

“I begge you to want me, but you didn't want to” 

“know you're in a better place but it's always gonna hurt”

“He's waiting. Hides behind a cigarette” 

“I'm your weakest link” “but you're still a part of the chain” 

“ mini bars, expensive cars, hotel rooms and new tattoos, and the food Champagne and the private planes, but they don't mean anything, cause the try to truth is out” 

[egyptroyal]

things a new (old/mutual/whatever) rp partner should know about me !

fun new meme here ! write 3-5 things a rp partner (or those who want to be) should know about you and tag 3-5 people! it should be related to rp and not to other interests.

I have a lot of muses all spread out on different blogs so, if I can’t choose one of your muses, I’m going to send in a meme for each of your muses. Out of my three primary roleplay blogs, there are four side roleplay blogs. Four of the muses being time lords and every regeneration - incarnation - is a muse of their own. Over at @themadvigilantist​ have 339 V muses, 89 Vin muses, 3 villains; sideblog @tardis500​ has 6 tardis oc muses, here, which is also a sideblog, I have 8 ocs, 12 canonical characters, 52 televised/comic/audio parody portrayals of the doctor. At @pennybraddock​, i have only 1 oc muse. At @drbabygirl​, i have 1 oc, and 4 canon characters. At @thebadtimewolf​, I have a singular time lord main muse with 15 human alternate versions of herself and one angel entity with @nosewitch​ being one singular side blog. Altogether, i have 533 muses, possibly more if I miscounted (or if the doctor ends up getting more that I missed then well shit, i’ll add them later as muses too. So, if you are someone that don’t want a spam of asks your way or thought I would just pick one muse out of your many, you are dead wrong on that and I might not be the blog for you. I’ll slap in a new muse left and right and then think I’m done only to add 20 more out of excitement just to forget about them later on. When I say I am excited to rp with you, I’m excited to throw a small village at every single muse you got unless you pick one first.

I am a very graphic and dark writer with the occasional smut (depending on the blog/muse), that does not censor or tone down their muse but, there are some limits. Just about all of my rp blogs deal with some very heavy subject material, which I tend to write out in great detail. This means you might come across descriptions of scenarios, that are very dark, graphic, disturbing or just drawn out as something that my muse realistically, no one would give/expect that kind of reaction towards in general. However, I have a limit and no, it’s not because it makes me unconfortable writing it, I just get...stuck. Okay, for example with my villain/neutral muses, I can’t write rape. I’ll write with someone that can write that particular subject but, I can’t write it myself because I don’t know how. Murder? You betcha and with detail. Torture? You got it and with trauma. Destroy an entire solar system while making the character feel wracked with guilt over the deaths of billions? Yeah, I can do that with detail on how it affected everyone else on a visual. Rape? Nope, nothing, same goes if you random anons want to just worse stuff, I can’t write it. Don’t know how, won’t know how. Now, that being said, I will never condone any of those behaviors that I describe but, if I can’t write it? Then pick something else. I can tag appropriately but, if my partner don’t tell me to cut to the next day or do fade-to-black in their following response, I’m going to describe that. Why I say depending on the muse is this: some of my muses are into fearplay/edgeplay but, the level where they were probably the reason some of their ‘interests’ are called risk-accepted consensual kinks which, for muses that are vile or evil, y’all gonna have to um, explain it that what you’re doing to them is not a dubcon situation but, a no-dont-get-off-on-this situation-this-is-my-scare-tactic. if you don’t, it’s gonna get real uncensored morticia/gomez real quick and you don’t want it. Other muses on the other hand will actually be scared so, choose (out of the collective 533+ muses) wisely. I’ll give you a list of who is in to what real quick, just ask/im me and i’ll find a generator that show just how much/little they’ll be into a thing.

I use either memes, open starters, greeters as an ice breaker but, also aiming to pre-established starters. So, I tend to make general starter for those that recently follow me in a way that anyone could respond to. I’m not shy to plotting but, for the most part, I’m just testing the waters. We can also im each other, send each other asks or whathaveyou. A jumping board that I might respond to one of your open starters or make a thread out of an answered post that you or I had sent to the other.

I don’t know how to godmod but, if you do it ...don’t be surprised that the muse is gonna fight back?? I only say this because I can’t write physical fight scenes with anyone because I’m so shit at those that I can now say that I have been accused of godmodding (2) twice in the span of a decade on this site by two ppl who (hopefully) live somewhere with free healthcare. Everytime I respond to how my character would counter an attack, there’s always that one person with their muse - that they are clearly in a fight scene - that only I get accused of godmodding out of nowhere. Despite when I look back at my responses on how I word things and I don’t see it (I still don’t. Is there an editor I can ask to look over and what I should reword here??) and the accuser fails to tell me to reword what sentence/paragraph to fix it where it’s not that. If I don’t get a response to what/where the specific bit in my response that made you think/came across as godmodding, then clearly you was godmodding too.                        OTHERWISE, WITH THE REST OF THE PPL I RPED A FIGHT SCENE WITH IN THE SPAN OF THE DECADE, THEY WERE JUST LIKE ‘OH THIS IS FUNKY AND FUN! *CUE TO US VIBIN OVER ANGST IN TAGS WHILE ALSO POKING FUN AT OUR MUSES AND SHIT*’ AND LIKE WE COOL SO MAYBE IT’S NOT MY WRITING STYLE, IT’S JUST YOU MISREADING THE TEXT PRESENTED TO YOU AND NOT ASKING ‘hey what you mean by [action/thing]? could you like rewrite that? i don’t get it, it didn’t sit right could you rewrite it?’ I’LL DO IT, I’LL FIX IT. HELP ME SEE WHAT YOU SEE?? INSTEAD OF JUMPING TO THAT ACCUSATION WITH NO EXPLANATION WHEN A THREAD DON’T GO YOUR WAY?? IT’S NO ANNOYANCE/BOTHER FOR ME TO FIX MY MISTAKES BUT IF YOU DON’T TELL ME WHAT THE MISTAKE IS (while consciously choosing to just point out that in some part of our thread to say only ‘stop godmodding/that was a little godmod-y’ when a muse of mine don’t react/act indifferent to yours and their actions) THEN HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO GET BETTER, DO BETTER, AND BE BETTER IN MY WRITING WITH YOU IF YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE REPERCUSSIONS/REACTION OF MY MUSES CHOICE OF RESPONSE?? ok that’s out of my system                                  anyway don’t-don’t-don’t godmod but also, if you think im godmodding when i can’t tell where it is on either side ahahahah, u better fucking tell me which paragraph/sentence i fucked up instead of just throwing that word around when you can’t handle when muses don’t automatically shiver at the sight of yours. if anything, they already been there done that over it.

I’ll make a manip, gifset, draw our muses for our muses. I do that. I do that a lot. Ask me, I’ll do it. I’ll submit/send the drawing privately but, manips and gifsets: I put that on display. I will. Ask me.

Tagged by: @blindeddevil

Tagging: @city-full-of-ocs @idontdosecondchances @takumishinobi @paigeatyourservice @girl-in-the-tardis @followthedrums13 @gingersrockstheuniverse @destinybitten @lonelybxstards @theiracademydaysareover @theserpentsjester & anyone else that wants to/sees this

my entire mood @ #4 but, it was made at 3 AM and i don’t have the voice but, the vibe of yvette nicole brown because i got into community again

[nowhereiswhereibelong]

73 Questions

I mas tagged by: @mrs-machinegun-norris about two centuries ago sorry

On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?

• 5

Describe yourself in a hashtag?

• #sadbicht

• Cause I'm a bad bicht you can't kill me, only I do that

If you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be?

• Aaron Taylor-Johnson

• Colson Backer

If your life was a musical, what would the marquee say?

• The crazy bisexual is on the loose

What’s one thing people don’t know about you?

• That I cant handle silence

What’s your wake up ritual?

• All my cats and family yells at me till I roll of take my meds and stare at the wall till I'm late

What’s your go to bed ritual?

• Make sure I cleaned the litter box and that my cats have food and water then is up to bed and reading anything and everything till I fall a sleep

What’s your favourite time of day?

• Night time (I get the zoomies), or when I'm home alone

Your go to for having a good laugh?

• I really like comedy and some that make me laugh even when I watched 1000 times: John Mulaney, Daniel Sloss, Russel Howard and Sarah Millican

Dream country to visit?

• As many as I can! I have an extensive list

What’s the biggest surprise you’ve had?

• Last semester 3 professors at university were really supportive and understanding and I didnt expect them to be so kind or belive in me that much.

Heels or flats/sneakers?

• Sneakers everywhere all the time for any given reason

Vintage or new?

• Vintage bits and pisses of different eras but late 80s early 90s give me live

• And I'm obsessed with 70s buildings dont know why

Who do you want to write your obituary?

• An creative stranger - go nuts dude freak people out

Style icon?

• dont have one I guess

What are three things you can’t live without?

• My cats

• My phone

• My guitar

What’s one ingredient you put in everything?

• I'm crazy about mustard

• My dad always says anything salivary can be better with cheese and anything sweet be better with chocolate - not that far from the truth

What 3 people living or dead would you like to make dinner for?

• Elvis Presley

• Jane Fonda

• Janis Joplin

What’s your biggest fear in life?

• Failure

• The dark

Window or aisle seat?

• Window: you can look at the view, it's better for sleeping and during the day sunlight for reading

What’s your current TV obsession?

• A have many, it's a problem, but right now mind hunter

Favourite app?

• Instagram and tumblr

Secret talent?

• I like to lie to myself and say acting but maybe just weirdly good at pretending to be good at things (ain't that the joke huh)

Most adventurous thing you’ve done in your life?

• I would say it was dumb, stupid and streamly dangerous but when I was 16 a friend and I went to some guys house in a very weird neighborhood and lied to our parents about it and only 1 other friend new (also our taxi couldn't find the house). We meet those two guys at a friends party and they said that they were throwing one and that we should go, and our dumb selfdestruting alcohol hunting minds though, why not. It was not a party. It was just a hang out with us and one other guy and to this day I dont know how we left at 7am (the only way to get out of there was the first bus because uber wasn't a thing yet and me and my friend were to scared of what kind taxi driver we would find) unharmed and not sexually harassed, given that one of the dudes that our friends new more hated me for a few months for not putting out for him, cause you know, men.

• I'm absolutely sure they wanted a sex party that didnt happen. But I did show my unasked skills of knowing every single black veil brides lyrics.

How would you define yourself in three words?

• Anxious

• Laud

• Loyal

Favourite piece of clothing you own?

• The stolen 80s tshirts from my dad

• High waisted shorts

Must have clothing item everyone should have?

• A comfortable pair of jean shorts that you feel pretty in

Superpower you would want?

• To stop time

• I get to anxious trying to time manage and it just snowballs from there. And sleeping in without being always late.

What’s inspiring you in life right now?

• Machine Gun Kelly (I stared listening to his stuff a few months ago)

• But always and forever is the passion that moves people

Best piece of advice you’ve received?

• Be/do to other people what you wanted to be done for you

Best advice you’d give your teenage self?

• It's not just on your head it's a real thing, you're lot alone, and it ok to need help.

A book that everyone should read?

• Harry Potter: that even thou I have read multiple times it still is amazing and full of symbolism that people brush through some times.

• Women who run with the wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estés

• My older sister made me start this book and its absolutely live changing and I belive should be obligatory to all women in this world. This book is a live long work by this psychologist and through miths, legends, folk tales and stories she puts together what she calls the wild women archetype and what is the feminine instinct is and how those tales teach us about it and how to have a healthy relationship with her.

What would you like to be remembered for?

• For being kind

How do you define beauty?

• It's an powerfull force within

What do you ~love most~ only love about your body?

• The shape of my eyes

Best way to take a rest/decompress?

• Listening to music and dancing around

Favourite place to view art?

• I dont understand sorry

If your life were a song, what would the title be?

• Static supernova

If you could master one instrument, what would it be?

• Guitar and piano cant choose only one

If you had a tattoo, where would it be?

• My planned ones:

• Orca

• Felix felicis

• Tree

• Mother earth

• Penicillin allergy (I dont trust nobody)

Dolphins or koalas?

• Dolphins

• Did you y'all know that orcas not only aren't whales but belong on the same family as dolphins?

What’s your spirit animal?

• Orca

Best gift you’ve ever received?

• My cats (even thou there are rescues they're my little special gifts from nature)

Best gift you’ve ever given?

• On my best friend wedding my friend and I gave a performance as siluetes (it was private beach and all the light were off and we had the car headlights behind us) I played the song you are in love by taylor swift while she did an beautiful performance on silks the song represented their relationship and how she shared it if us in a very sacred way and the silks was a representation of her herself and how the 3 of us saw in the last few years her transformation from a very broken person to the women she was born to be.

• Yes we were crying the hole time but was the most genuine and beautiful think I ever done so yeah

What’s your favourite board game?

• Dix it, its awesome go play it pls

What’s your favourite colour?

• Petrol blue

Least favourite colour?

• The color of lentil soup my mom makes it looks like a baby have serious digestive problems

Diamonds or pearls?

• Diamonds of the symbolic value of "the pressure that could've break us made us into diamonds insted"

Drugstore makeup or designer?

• Drugstore makeup, the one I know that are real brands hauahauahs

Blow-dry or air-dry?

• Air-dry

Pilates or yoga?

• Pilates even thou I must prefer sports mostly

Coffee or tea?

• My blood is coffee at this point

What’s the weirdest word in the English language?

• Wolrd, because English is not my first language and specially in an American accent the pronunciation of wolrd if simply the worst and is absolutely obnoxious and unsettling.

Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?

• Dark

• But my absolut favored is a 70% cacao white chocolate. It's incredible but I only got to buy it twice :(

Stairs or elevator?

• Stairs, I also love to sit on them

Summer or winter?

• Winter. I only like heat if I'm inside very cold water

You are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat?

• If nutrition value doesn't matter, ice cream

A desert you don’t like?

• Orange cake. Bad memories and I vomit every time I try to eat it.

A skill you’re working on mastering?

• Singing and playing the guitar

Best thing to happen to you today?

• I think I made a online friend :D

Best compliment you’ve ever received?

• That I'm kind

Favourite smell?

• Buttering sugar

Hugs or kisses?

• Hugs i Iike to be permanently attached to some people at times

If you made a documentary, what would it be about?

• Domestic violence

• Parenting

Last piece of content you consumed that made you cry?

• Today I was trying to play this song called Ronan and cryed my eyes out like all the other times I tried before It's a song of child cancer in the mother's perspective

Lipstick or lip gloss?

• Lipstick

• I'm a red matte lip stan

Sweet or savoury?

• Sweet

Girl crush?

• Billie Elish

How you know you’re in love?

• The only time I think I've been in love I only realised it because they left and I didnt understand why i was severely hurt by it and changed the way I created all relationships after that. And then it hit me

• So pain and heartache.... yeah that's depressing as shit

Song you can listen to on repeat?

• When the sun goes down - Arctic Monkeys

If you could switch lives with someone for a day who would it be?

• My own self but not a anxious depressed mess just to feel what it's like

What are you most excited about at this time in your life?

• That I dont need to make decisions

[winetofive]

hi.

wow, i made this page back when i graduated college and was so extremely bored with my life. lol i wanted it to be my private low key fashion/lifestyle blog... like what would i even post -_- i love the name though i wonder where i found that from. im gonna keep it. well. i havent written in a REALLY long time. so much in my life has changed. i’m not gonna write too much about where i am in life right now bc i honestly don’t know where to start but i just wanna start writing again. i feel like i would be fun to look back on this in the future and see what has changed. i still have my tumblr from my hs and college days and i’m so glad i never deleted it. i would love to have a journal but i just find the act of pulling out a pen and notebook to be too exhausting and kind of dramatic lol. its just not for me anymore and i like how this is a little more private. lets start off by saying i moved. i work a pretty good job for my first real job. i’ve been there for about 2 years now and right now i’ve been feeling a little bored but comfortable. i want something more but deep down im kind of scared and anxious. i know when i graduated i always told myself i wish i applied myself more. and now i have opportunities too the only thing stopping me is my fear. i really need to learn how to put my anxiety aside and put myself out there to grow more. i like what i do, its easy and flexible. but if i want to make more money i know i need to do more. im actually really considering going to school again or take up classes to learn more maybe in computers? not sure yet but the thought of it doesn’t really scare me. it kind of excites me actually. i just need to do more research especially since this is something i’ll be paying for and investing for my future. i dont have time to bs like i did through out college. man i wish i did more or did better.. but i’ll talk about that another day. overall, im content with where im at career wise. still hungry for more but im happy im not where i used to be. besides my work life, i can talk about my personal life. the past year i was healing from a break up. i have alot to unload about this and idk how to start it. i was so heartbroken. i’ve never felt so hopeless and sad about a boy before. i know deep down this is what needs to happen and ive finally accepted it. this is the first time im really taking my time to write about it and im not really in the mood to yet. but i will. i still love him and i always will. im very thankful for our relationship and the friendship we have now. it took me so long to get to this place and im glad i can finally see myself moving on. speaking of moving on, i started to casually date someone. i enjoy his company. it feels nice. i think its too soon to talk abt emotions bc i know were both still healing from our past break ups and i dont think its something were ready to address yet. but its nice to know that im able to open myself up to someone again. ive been on a few casual dates as well but this is the only one that has stuck and i look forward to seeing. im just trying to be casual and take it slow. im in this mindset right now that i wont let myself ever be sad the way i felt w my ex. i’m finally so at peace with my heart and myself that i don’t want to disturb it. besides that, my friendships with my friends from home are rocky? i feel a certain way when i speak to them sometimes. like fomo. homesick. i feel exhausted trying to catch them up with my life sometimes. i think i just get in a funk every few weeks where i not necessarily need my space but i just dont feel like talking to them. it sounds so messed up but honestly everyone is in such a different place in their lives and everything is different. im tired of the small talk. i miss them so much but sometimes it gets exhausting and really sad. i already feel alot better right now after writing this and i hope i can consistently update this.

[marystudies]

A LONG ASS LIST OF TIPS FOR HIGH SCHOOL: FRESHMAN TO SENIOR YEAR LETS GO

Disclaimer: This is just from my experience, so these might not all apply to you! 

Freshman Year

ok, ok, freshman year can be scary but don’t let that get to you

dont worry about upperclassmen being rude/teasing you 

it’ll most likely happen, but I’ve never seen an upperclassman tease a freshman with the intention to really hurt them

one day you’ll be them so dw

on the topic of upperclassmen, make some older friends!!! (through classes, sports, etc.) it’s so nice to have someone give you tips and help you through high school

dont expect your friend group to stay the same lol

BUT ITS A GOOD THING I PROMISE YOU

I was scared of changing my friend group, so even though I wasn’t being treated too well, it wasn’t until senior year when I really made a change and I wish I did it earlier

be open to meeting new people, everyone is scared just like you and looking for more friends

I don’t think its neccessary for freshman to become sUPER involved in clubs and all that but at least get a feel for whats out there

try out for a sport if you play one!

this goes for all of high school, not just freshman year, but I regret not being as involved as I could’ve been 

Go to school events like football games and dances! School spirit is considered weird in middle school but its cool in high school

take your classes seriously, your teachers are right - high school is much harder than middle school (but it’s not too bad if you stay organized!)

my freshman year GPA was my lowest like english really caught me off guard (properly formatted, 5 paragraph essays being 50% of your grade??? a concept.)

so my cumulative GPA was brought down

I think most freshman don’t have access to AP classes to boost your GPA or anything, but if you’re looking to push yourself take an honors class or 2! (if available)

Sophomore Year

wooohooo ur no longer a freshman

I’d take at least 1 AP class if you can

my sophomore year I took AP Human Geo - which I really loved, and it also wasn’t too hard

a lot of sophomores take AP World which is a BITCH of a class

BUT I wouldn’t recommend taking Honors World because you don’t get the GPA boost, you don’t get college credits (unless you take the AP Euro test or something), and it’s almost just as hard 

this is a bit random - but when you’re taking Algebra 2 (which was my sophomore year) PLS PAY ATTENTION math builds on itself don’t fuck yourself over

take the PSAT if you want (I honestly don’t remember if I took it freshman year too but eh), but seriously its not required

start thinking about college (I know it’s the last thing you want to do)

just little things like

when do I want to take the SAT/ACT?

would I like a small school or a big school?

What will I be able to put on my college applications?

like if you do community service through a club/church/etc then great!!! sports? YEs

can’t think of anything? Join a club! Try out for a sport (it’s not too late) Find something that interests you

you’re probably pretty situated socially now but never be afraid to get to know those classmates/”school friends” better! 

Junior Year

so junior year is commonly thought of as the hardest year of highschool

which is partially true (we’ll get there later)

but anyways, seriously buckle your seatbelt and get ready to work your ass off because THIS YEAR COUNTS, LADIES AND GENTS

Take AP classes if available

I took AP Psych (WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND) and Honors PreCalc (coming from regular Algebra 2)

Psych gave me college credit and a GPA boost

HPC gave me a GPA boost for UCs 

It was a bitCH of a class but it made AP calc a breeze 

If you haven’t started already, start prepping for SAT/ACT and then take them

tutoring is very helpful, but it can be expensive

I’ve seen studyblrs post about free prep through Kahn Academy and other stuff, so you might have to do a bit of digging but there are tons of resources out there

TAKE PRACTICE TESTS

take one of each first - then focus on the test you did better on 

one of my biggest regrets is taking SAT prep instead of ACT prep because my ACT (which I didn’t do specialized prep for) ended up equivalent to my SAT (which I did prep for)

the more you take em the better you get

Studyblr is gr8 for finding test taking tips

If you’re not happy with your score, just take it again! I only took each one once but most people improve their scores if they take it again

I recommend visiting a few universities when you’re on break! Get a feel for what you like and what you don’t like (size, location, public/private, etc) and what kind of school you could get accepted to

you don’t want to end up applying to a billion schools that you wouldn’t even want to go to

private schools like it when you express interest by visiting

so if you’re visiting, make sure you check in so you can be in their system 

END OF JUNIOR YEAR - ASK FOR LETTERS OF REC NOW! BY THE FIRST WEEK OF SENIOR YEAR A LOT OF TEACHERS ARE ALREADY TAKING ON TOO MANY LETTERS!

Senior Year (buckle up this section is the longest)

but YAY UR A SENIOR 

DO FUN SENIOR YEAR THINGS like my school has all kinds of events for seniors and it’s so great 

Remember when I said junior year is the hardest? Yeah well no... 1st semester senior year is SO MUCH WORSE ur in for a lot of fun

Ok seriously - don’t let senioritis get to you first semester

Still take challenging classes! Schools are looking for progression in difficulty

Those mid year transcripts REALLY DO MATTER! 

College apps, man

Make sure you’re communicating with your counselor to make sure you have everything ready and on track 

like file the FAFSA and CSS (used for lots of privates)

tbh I didn’t think it would help me a lot but it (the CSS) actually did so just do it even if you think you’ll get nothing

Ok so hopefully at this point you have a feel for what schools you are interested in

Things to consider: location, price, size, public/private, difficulty of the application, ranking, program/major you are applying to, campus, overall vibe

I didn’t do any interviews but maybe look into it

Don’t get too comfortable and set reasonable goals - apply to several safety schools, a few good options/could go either way schools, but also a few “reaches”

ESSAYS

I’m no college counselor, but don’t just wing your essays without having an adult/professional look over them

I got lucky - my mom is a professional writer so my family didn’t pay for a counselor

Do your research - you can find so much information about what schools are looking for in essays

If an essay is “optional” DO IT it’s really not optional lol

Keep in mind - these essays are nothing like what you’ve been taught. You don’t have to (and often SHOULDNT) write a 5 paragraph essay with topic sentences relating back to the thesis and evidence, etc. its much more free

think “What is the story I am going to tell?”

get creative - this is hard and takes some time

Think: How am I going to separate myself from thousands of applicants? What is a story that ONLY I can tell?

DO EARLY ACTION FOR AS MANY SCHOOLS AS POSSIBLE!!! 

such a relief to knowing you got in somewhere in like,,,, november

acceptance rates are higher for EA 

the order from highest to lowest is ED > EA > RD

Early Decision scares me (schools will say they give equal scholarship consideration but lol thats a lie) 

but if you have your heart set on a school go ahead

apply to other school just in case, you don’t want to get stuck starting all your apps when a lot of students have already turned them all in

Now that you’re done with applications (whew), the acceptances (and rejection) will start coming!! yay!

ok first for acceptances

those first acceptances are so cool like YAY YOU GOT INTO COLLEGE IM PROUD OF U

as soon as you get your first acceptances really start researching the school more and deciding if you’d REALLY want to go there or not

i know this is hard bc you haven't heard back from all your schools but it’ll make choosing a school so much easier

sadly, not all acceptances are happy tho

like I got accepted to my #1 school but they gave me no money so it was impossible to go

I was so emo for a couple days there

BUT! If you’re serious about it, try appealing for financial aid but keep your expectations low

ok now waitlists

these can be a bit nerve wracking

PLEASE apply for the waitlist right away

at some schools if you dont within a couple days, your application might get thrown out

aaaaand rejections

i dont have a lot to say about this but please dont be too hard on yourself

sometimes its just not meant to be and thats ok!

NOW PICKING A COLLEGE

def the most difficult and mentally draining part for me lol

make sure you really map out everything to consider

net cost (tuition, room & board, books, travel, personal expenses, etc.), size, location, etc.

I personally had this idea that I’d end up at a big school far from home but I’m going to a small school close to home and I’m still super excited!!! So make sure you give every school a second look 

APPLY FOR SCHOLARSHIPS!

the essays aren’t usually too bad and sometimes you can just rework your college app essays

you can find them online, your school might have some (like PTA scholarships, band scholarships, etc.)

ok this is the time everyone really gets senioritis

i almost didn’t get senioritis at all lol just because slacking off stressed me out

but please be smart about it dont get rescinded 

and lastly have fun! high school really does fly by, it’ll be over before you know it

[katsukikitten]

Namjoon Part3

Music echos softly off of the studio walls, the same few chords playing over and over and over again until I slam my fists on the board before deleting the song entirely.

"Fuck...." I curse, digging the heels of my palms into my eyes once more. Something I've been finding myself doing often. I dig until fireworks erupt before fading into a dizzying black.

"That's a bad habit you've got Joonie." Her voice feels like ointment on a burn. My body instantly relaxes as I hear her pad towards the chair. Her small hand runs down my hair, brushing the nape of my neck before settling on my shoulder.

I wish her hands would stay tangled in my hair. Her skin and touch are so soothing.

And I'm not the only member of the group who has said so...

"Being up this late and *forcing* a song to happen is bad for your health." Her hand trails again. Up my nape then down my spine.

"I know..." I barely breathe. Afraid I'll break the spell and she will some how dissipate.

Over the past four months I've noticed things about _____.

Her beauty is unique and becomes even more breathtaking the better you get to know her.

Like a bud slowly blooming before your eyes.

Does she nurture my brothers this well?

This.... intimately?

Jealousy pangs in my stomach at the thought.

"Let's go to bed..." She whispers, "Sleep will help and you have such a busy AND early schedule tomorrow."

I look to her, searching her face for what I don't know. All I know is that somehow she is never tired and she is always patient.

She offers a small smile before patting my shoulder as if to encourage me to stand.

So I do.

She leads me to my room where she has made my bed so neatly. She enters my room and every time it causes my heart to pound. I always hope she stays but instead she falls into her normal routine.

She slips into the shared bathroom turning on the shower and some how getting the perfect temperature for me every time. She lays a fresh towel and pair of boxers on the bed for me, straightening them both just so.

I watch those deft hands fluff pillows and worry over the smallest of details before she stops. She meets me at the threshold of the door.

"Rest up Joonie." She winks, stepping gracefully around me when all I want to do is grab her face and crash my lips into her own.

I sigh in frustration as I make my way to the steaming shower.

The sound of her laugh wakes me.

"Yongiii!!! Stooopp." She giggles and my stomach twists. He must be teasing her about her Korean again. She has improved greatly, speaking full sentences without fault or fluster. But there are times in our one on ones that she bites her lip out of frustration before gracefully asking for a break.

I curl deeper begging the gods for a little more of the mindless sleep.

I should not be thinking of this woman as often as I do.

The dorm quiets as she shoos everyone to get ready promising coffee, tea, and morning treats at the shoot.

I drift slowly back into sleep as she helps the others with their outfits. All vying for her attention.

A soft knock pulls me back to the land of the living and I do not answer. I am so childishly hoping that if I act asleep she will leave.

Somehow convince the director that I will be in at a later time or hell even date. We've been going for weeks non stop to shoots, interviews and features that it's a wonder I could even write lyrics for half a song.

When I don't answer I hear her pad into the room. Pulling the curtain to the only window half open, sure to leave my face out of the rising sunlight.

"Namjoon?" She asks softly, hands feathering over my bare shoulder.

I continue to feign sleep. She let's out a sigh, not one of disappointment nor frustration but a different kind of sigh. Her fingers find my dyed hair. Pulling softly before her nails rake my scalp.

I can't keep back the soft groan that escapes my lips causing her fingers to slip away. I keep my eyes closed and resume my relaxed breathing. She must still think I'm asleep as she mutters to herself.

"Damn it ____, get your shit together."

Her hands find my shoulder.

"Oh King Joonie. It's time to wake up!" She sing songs. No longer using a gentle voice. She clicks the side table light on and I groan out of frustration.

"Come on sleepy head!" She says as I hear her digging in my closet, "We cannot be late. It will reflect poorly on my skills."

She giggles pulling a black shirt and jeans setting them at the foot of the bed.

I oblige, anything to keep her here.

An hour later she has us all lined up with our favorite makeup artist before she makes good on her promise of tea, coffee, and morning sweets. We all greedily take our bribe.

"Hobi, my sunshine..." She smiles fussing over his hair, "Dont forget to give it your all! Other wise no Sprite."

She winks before they both laugh.

"My golden maknae!" She smiles, "oh and my oppa please give it your best!"

"My V, My jimin, my suga! You can melt the hearts of all of ARMY." She continues to encourage us as we line up in order for our shoots. Finally she stands before me.

"RM, joonie!" She is so damn cute when she encourages us, "please do it all for ARMY!"

"I will." I smile to her and she returns it with a blinding one. She takes a step back to speak with the make up artists.

She always talks to the supporting crew but what I've failed to notice before were her questions.

She asks about our skin health, our irritability levels and even down to how our hair is. Each stylist makes a comment. She jots it all down in her notebook.

"Exaustion was hard to cover on all of them. Espeically Namjoon today."

"Yoongi's hair is becoming brittle from all of the stripping and dying. The shampoo and conditioners you've gotten him have helped greatly but I fear for the health of his hair."

Her eyes dart up, narrowing before her pencil angirly scratches at the pad.

"Noted. Thank you as always." She says perfectly in Korean. There are some phrases she had down pat before coming to the teachings of seven men. I subconsciously touch the skin beneath my eyes as the words echo in my head. I stare at Yoongi's dyed hair before fingering my own. He has had the most hair changes out of all of us.

The shoot drags on for hours longer than expected. With an intense interview to follow and with no time in between to grab a bite to eat.

Though it goes with out saying that _____ has been providing us snacks and drinks all day. But a man can only live off of snacks for so long. I need to take a break, if only for a moment in the bathroom. Just as I'm rounding the corner I hear two voices in a heated discussion.

"Manager. They are exhausted. The photographer has been outrageous to hold them hostage this long. None of them have had time to recover. The interview needs to be canceled for their health. If you want the nations across this green earth to love them then you need to listen to me." Her voice dips lower than I've ever heard. A few decibels shy of a growl as she continues.

"Speaking of canceled I have canceled Yoongi's hair dye appointment for next week as cleared out most of the boys schedules. This is starting to take a toll on their work. And I don't mean this extra work either. I'm talking their music."

Thankfully she leaves out my name. The thought of people knowing I'm struggling in the studio is as mortifying as if not being able to perform in the bedroom.

"You disrespect me and the people who have highly recommended you?" He snarls and I myself shrink back.

Clearly she does not.

"No, if anything I'm proving why I was so highly recommended. Do you think I let these idols run rampant? Do you think I let them become so overworked, so over stimulated to the point of them having some sort of break down whether public or private while in my care? The answer is no." Its as if I can hear her squaring her shoulders as she speaks, "My job is to take care of their well being. My job is take make sure theirs is not becoming too much. My job is to remember that they are human. My job is to stand up for them when they cannot or are too proud to. So I'm telling you now that they are going to need today and the rest of the weekend off otherwise you are both jeopardizing their health and asking me to step down as their assistant."

My heart beats out of my chest at the thought of her leaving. I almost turn the corner to wrap her under my arm and threaten the manager to keep her on board myself but a deep sigh stops me.

"They were not lying when you said you truly have an idol's best interest at heart." Another sigh, "I will begin making phone calls now. When the shoot let's out please continue to live up to your recommendations."

"As always." She retorts.

[backseatsiren]

Some Serious Reflection Indeed

I’ve been doing far too much lately. Working fulltime at VICE. Teaching two courses at Berklee. Training and competing in grappling. Tons of cardio and lifting to support that. And hey, a busy social life (a ton has changed, Patricia and I broke up in June). Oh, hey, and volunteering a minimum shift every other week on the ambulance. Something has to give.

I was worried, for awhile, that it will be my 911 service. I need to re-certify soon, and hey, things can be weird at a volunteer org. People have their misunderstandings, etc. And I was worried about feeling kind of useless. I was struggling with that when I wrote a bunch of this from the back of the ambulance between calls last month:

--

“I’m writing the first part of this on my ambulance, between calls. I’ve been feeling good about my progress, in becoming a bit more confident and also better at knowing where I’m NOT confident. And I’ve been more confident in my cross EMT and MMA/positional/awareness, on a recent call a patient got violent and I was able to immediately help immobilize him and alleviate the threat, without fear or hesitation. And obviously without the violent person being hurt - he immediately fell back asleep after being about to punch another (peaceful) patient’s lights out. I was doing a little soul searching, so, forgive me for being pretty sentimental here. I do wrestle, sometimes, with feeling complicated about what we do here. Buffing 911 calls, basically acting as support for the FDNY crews that are paid (poorly!!!) And private hospital crews who do this professionally in the area. Sometimes I feel a little useless. I’m here to help! But sometimes, I wonder what value that help is. Fundamentally, I believe in volunteer work, I believe, as a guiding principle, in good, evidence-based medical care, in serving in my community. We don’t bill ppl who dont have insurance. And we never send collections to ppl who can’t pay. This is a free service for folks who can’t afford it otherwise. And I believe in that. I think I’d love to volunteer at a homeless services org, or some other free services organization. I believe in service... I’m writing this sitting in the back of the bus, and I’m cranky about how political and weird it can be at a volunteer org sometimes (of course, I know, I know). And I do feel very weary about the American medical system and how it’s structured. How so many ppl get shafted. An earlier draft here had me hand wringing a bit more on this. I can only affect things at all on this level by doing what I do, by volunteering and putting myself out there and doing anything I can. It’s not Pollyanna bullshit. It has to do with something Austin mentioned on a podcast recently, the idea of things being fundamentally broken and wrong, but finding meaning in resisting or acting despite the efficacy of those actions. It may not do a goddamned thing. But I do honestly hope that I can do some minuscule bit of good or help someone meaningfully at least *some* of the time out here. And I have felt great at times, fundamental to an effort to help a person in need. I know I need to hold on to that, and understand that it ain’t all glory lol. I actually love “boring” calls that aren’t a massive emergency, but if I got a sense that I helped to reassure or calm someone, or provide some kind of actual assistance. And I need to hold on to that as well. I just went on a call, and feeling a bit better. A young man, feeling very sick. A big guy, but I felt ok lifting. And he thanked us. I felt for him, he was sick and extremely anxious. It felt good to be a presence and at least hopefully a calming and competent one in getting him some care.

-- 

The next shift, I had one call, but it was over two hours. Extreme psych episode, police were involved because this person was making threats. She was disturbed and traumatized, and being taken in an ambulance was specifically traumatizing for her, because she had been restrained before, being literally dragged out of her house kicking and screaming.

I was the crew chief, and I talked to her calmly. Listened patiently. She was screaming and crying at first, and did many times throughout the call, but I told her I believed her when she said she was traumatized by her experiences with hospital staff and other EMTs and cops. There were cops present, but the main cop here was (he was a POC, it should be noted, I’ve tended to have much, MUCH better experiences w. cops of color) gentle and patient with her. It actually felt like teamwork, the de-escalation process. 

Legally, she needed to go for a psych evaluation, because she posed a danger to the people she was making threats against. But it is always, obviously much better if you can get a person to come happily of their own free will, to understand that I actually really do care and want to help, and get them the best care. She came down willingly, we evaluated her again on the bus, and I talked with her calmly for another half an hour, letting her know that I care about her well-being, but I’m not a psychiatrist, and that they could offer her better help. She chilled out and came with.

There was a friend with her as well, and he was an absolute doll. Thanking us, helping us talk to her calmly. He was impressed that we were volunteers, and with no insurance info, we weren’t going to charge.

And that call cemented in me the ways I can be helpful. A burned out (by no fault of their own, again, EMTS are underpaid and overworked) EMT may not have had the patience I did on that call. To put the time in to build a rapport with a person who was legitimately traumatized by her previous dealings with emergency services, to talk calmly and affirm her feelings. I’m here because I want to be, because I like doing this. I’m not working 24 hour shifts on the bus, I’m on for six every other week. I come in fresh and happy and excited. I can offer that.

I can offer a lot of patience precisely *because* I’m a volunteer here. And no, I’m probably not half the EMT as someone who does this 60 hours a week. It’s taken me a lot longer to be as competent in the field, and there are still some major areas of improvement for me. I try to work on those every time. In every call. 

But it certainly made me feel better, to be able to offer something of real value to a patient, and yes, to an imperfect, shitty system. So much of my life, I just want to be EFFECTIVE, and helpful, and valuable to whatever it is I’m doing. That day, it became clear to me how that can be possible, and it made me happy.

[offshore-writes-blog]

searching for a roommate: maybe also love

gif originally posted by marksseunie

soulmates!au  (part 1/?)

genre: lots of angsttttt

pairing: Mark x OC

inspired by prompt: (i’ll add the link of the list when i find it)

8. “You’re so fucking hot when you’re mad.”

100. ”You’re my soulmate?!”

note: i haven’t proofread this im sorry. another part is coming soooooon. forreal though. 

they say that your soulmate and you sometimes have the same birthmark on your body or some inscription just appears onto your skin one day; the exact same as your soulmate. but i’m convinced that soulmates don’t have to romantic. they really don’t. i think my friend ray is my soulmate. he’s funny and so smart. he’s also so gay. like makes out with his boyfriend in front of me; hinting that i should leave our apartment. he can literally read my mind; how could that be? we’ve been friends for years. we’ve been through everything.

when he’d come out to me the day we’d both come back to our hometown after a semester at our separate universities; we spent the night crying; him at being free and me because he was finally feeling like himself. he’s seen me through every speed bump in my life and still loves me. so like? isn’t that what soulmates are??

i tread quietly into our shared apartment; hoping that ray and his boyfriend (ed) are asleep or at least out of the living room. yeah, so we’re in a big city now but the rent is crazy; despite somewhat promising careers; we can’t afford an apartment without each other.  

letting out a sigh of relief, i put my bag down onto the couch. the apartment’s empty like they hadn’t just wordlessly told me to get the fuck out of here two hours ago. i’d gone to a local coffee shop; to get some writing done. (im a journalist but what i really want to do is write a goddamn book; about anything that makes me heart ring)

the next morning, i wake up to an empty apartment again; strange. assuming that ray’s slept over at ed’s place, i start my morning routine; a quick workout and heading into the shower. i’m not called in today so i can actually have breakfast today. normally, i’d be out the door at 5:30am for the 7am news or outdoor braving the weather to prove to the entire city; that YES it is bad out there; please stay at home.

i’m in the middle of humming to myself as i clean the apartment. although we’re not that messy, we could be cleaner. i hear the keys jingle at the door and look up expectedly to see ray, of course. “hey!” i greet; pausing the music on the speakers from my phone.

“hey…” closing the door behind him, he puts the keys down by the table at the door. lips pressing into a thin line, he walks up behind the couch.  

uh oh. this is trouble. i let go of the broom and watch him; waiting for him to say something. only the couch between us; shaking my head slightly at him to say hellooo? speak now

“ed and i were talking last night …”

“just talking?” i raise an eyebrow and he chuckles softly but continues

“we were talking. and it was like really romantic.” he pauses and looks at me again; trying to read my face i know it. but i dont know what he wants to see because I'm just listening to him intently. “we’ve been together for almost a year now, arista.”

is this going where i think this is going? i wanna be happy for ray. i really do. but my breath gets caught up in my throat. like i can barely get another breath in. so he’s moving out. and i’m going to be alone.

his brows are furrowed now, reading my face. “ari, please.” he pouts, coming over to me; pulling me into him. “look, we want to move in together.” he finally says it but he already knows i know. “and we don’t have a definite date, alright? there’s no way i’m going to just leave you.” i nod and pull away; trying to not look so pathetic.

“it’s fine.” it’s not. i nod but i know he knows i'm not. but if i say i’m fine maybe he’ll feel less guilty.

ed is ray’s soulmate. they both have the same birthmark on their left arm right below their elbow and to further confirm it, they also have another shared inscription on the crook of their necks; just a number; 15. ed’d been wearing a number 15 jersey when ray saw him at our local coffee shop. ed’d played lacrosse at uni so he still wears it when he’s feeling not so good. that day he’d been getting coffee after binge-drinking the night before over an ex. it’s like meant to be. i remember ed pausing as he entered the shop with me. like he could just sense his soulmate was there.  

to be fair, he and i also shared a birthmark. on the bottom of our feet, it’s shaped like a heart but it’s faded more and more as the years went by. but it doesn’t bother us. we’re best friends till we get to the other side of life; really. so i really believe soulmates aren’t just romantic.

“guys, this is it.” i announce, coming out my room with my laptop in my arms. “this city is full of creeps and i’ll never find a roommate.” i hear the two of them sort of pause their conversation and chuckle at me. plopping down between ed and ray on the couch. “look at this!” i gesture to my screen. i’d posted an online listing about a roommate but so far, everyone i’ve contacted have been dodgy. they didn’t want to give their job descriptions or thought i was being distrustful when i suggested an interview.

“you’ll find someone.” ed tried comforting me awkwardly; patting my back as ray rested his head on my shoulder.

god i wish i could be mad at the two of them. how dare they be so in love!! they were being awfully nice about only moving in till i found a new roommate.

//

it’s fucking storming outside. the wind is crazy. and now i have to act like i didn’t just spend 20 hours straight writing up an article and head out to report the fucking weather.

it’s 4am when i get the call. i’d only gone to sleep 2 hours ago. begrudgingly i leave the comfort of my bed and start getting dressed.

it’s 5:30 when me and the camera crew are at the ferry pier; where the wind is the strongest and most obvious.

“you look like absolute hell.” i hear one of the cameraperson comment about me. we’ve worked together for years now so we have some rapport and honestly, i don’t disagree. i still scoff and raise my finger at him.

they’re putting some make up on me inside the van now. i even have to change inside this tiny van so it’s just me and the mary; one of the crew. she helps out with everything behind-the-scenes.

“hey hey hey, what’s that?” she quickly points down as i sit topless with only my bra on. i look down to myself; seeing as her finger’s pointing on the top of left boob.

“what?” i say and look closer; she does too. “what is it?”

“is that a mark?”

“i’ve never seen that.” i comment quietly.

“it’s shaped like a heart.” mary comments and smiles too cutely at me; teasing me. “it’s a soulmate thing!!” she finally exclaims as it registers to her the same moment it registers to me.

is this a soulmate mark?

i don’t really think about the mark again. i have a lot on my plate. a job and searching for a roommate that isn’t going to kill me in this big city.

////

but one night, we’re letting loose. one of my friends grace is hosting a big party. she’s dating his hotshot up-and-coming stylist-turned-model guy who goes by the name bambam. immediately, i hear the dude’s name and i’m intrigued. i get my hottest (and probably sluttiest) ensemble and head to the club they’re holding the party. i can’t remember what the party’s for but i remember being invited so i go with ray and ed.

the club exudes really expensive and mysterious vibes. god i cannot even imagine the price of these drinks. thank god we’re here for a party. i note to myself. through the sea of people, i make it to grace. she has a gorgeous figure beside her, who i assume is bambam. we hug briefly before she introduces us to him.

ray, ed and i share pleasantries with the couple and they gesture over to another private area. ooooh so this is where it gets interesting. the private area  i see a booth and vaguely recognise the faces and head over. i finally recognise jackson and jaebum. i know through mutual friends and we have spent a couple of wasted nights so.

“arista!” jackson shouts and we hug each other tightly. “god where have you been?” he asks, looking at me after pulling away. he gives a little nod to ray and ed too; giving lil bro hugs.

“i’ve been busy with work.” i finally say, still kind of hovering over the round booth; making my way to jaebum while ray and ed sit beside jackson. jaebum and i hug briefly and he gives me this look. “what?” i say as he moves a little and lets me sit inside the booth on his other side just between him and jackson; while the other is occupied by a face i don’t recognise.

“you act like we don’t have jobs.” he teases with a little smirk. i smack him and click my tongue. “but seriously, where have you been?”

“well, ray’s leaving me.” i announce dramatically and all eyes land on him. “i’ve been trying to look for a roommate who’s not going to kill me or grope me.” i explain and the rest of the table laughs a little. suddenly my eyes land on a few faces i’ve never seen. “i’m sorry we’re being rude.” i say. “i’m grace’s friend, arista.” i extend my hand over to the guy on jaebum’s other side.

“mark.” he speaks and his voice sounds smooth. like really smooooth. strong but also soft? i try not to show that i’m into his voice and look over to see another girl beside him.

“jennie.” she smiles at me and my breath is taken away. she’s beautiful. both mark and her. actually everyone on this table except me. thank god my outfit looks hot and is compensating for my lack of actual natural beauty.

“you are gorgeous.” i blurt out, kind of losing myself in her eyes. wow. girls are amazing. “sorry.” i say almost immediately and jennie smiles shyly but something about her aura tells me she’s confident. like she’s kind of a force to be reckon with.

“is this why all the blind dates haven’t worked out?” jackson finally says. “we’ve been setting you up with guys.” he nudges me, laughing.

“they don’t work out because you set me up with guys who are exactly like you and it makes me think of you.” i roll my eyes, sipping his drink.

“you think of jackson on your dates?” jennie teases now. “maybe you two should…” she adds with a few blinks, smiling mischievously.

everyone at the table groans except mark and jennie. the two of us look at us with amusement and i notice mark finally smile a little wider. our eyes meet and i feel my heart stop but look away.

“jennie, don’t get us started.” ray finally says. “these two…”

“let’s not talk about this before i’m at least 20% tipsy.” i run my fingers through my hair; already having a hard time having to explain what weird things jackson and i have done.

we’ve never dated. i’ve literally had a crush on jaebum since the three of us started partying together. jackson’s been nothing to kind to me. everyone thinks he’s this joker who’s wild and just funny. he is wild and funny but he’s a hard-worker and so compassionate about people in his life. he took me home when i saw jaebum hook up with girls on our many nights of partying. and people just didn’t believe that we didn’t fuck. so it was just easier to not deny or really say why we always end up together after a night of drinking.

after a couple of hours later?? time is an illusion i don’t even know but grace and bambam finally join us. (probably having entertained the other 100 of their guests) we’re all a couple of rounds in with our drinks when they do join us. i’m being a little too giggly now. but i can’t control it.

“as the only people in a serious committed relationship,” ray pauses and looks at grace. “no offence.” he continues. “ray and i have decide we will not participating in this round of dare or dare.” the whole table groans at them feigning annoyance.

grace whines a little but the two of them stand firm. they leave for the dance floor; giggly too. they’re totally go bang somewhere, i acknowledge in my head. but i guess i said it out loud because everyone’s laughing.

“alright alright alright.” bambam finally says as he and grace take up where ray and ed had been sitting. “let’s get started.”

// 

i think it’s form of ptsd because i’ve completely blacked out what happened last night. after ed and ray left. i don’t remember a single thing. but i’m home. thank god. i'm still in my clothes from last night. this navy sparkly body-hugging dress seems ridiculous now as the daylight seeps through my curtains.

what the fuck happened i wonder as my head’s pounding. i walk out to see jackson and ray at our breakfast bar.

“well good morning drama queen.” ray greets with an amused expression; seeing me walk out my room and jackson also turns his head to see me.

“oh no what did i do.” i'm limping.

“what didn’t you do?” jackson teases as he chews.

“seriously tell me.” i nod, with my head down, looking at the kitchen counter.

//

“i dare you to kiss the person who you want the most. at. this. table.” jennie yells through the music to me. my heart’s beating fast. a dare’s a dare. the drinks help me brave this. i turn to face jaebum who’s just watching like the rest at the table; amused. then i look around the table like i’m thinking about it. but i already know i want to kiss jaebum. my eyes go to stranger mark. his lips are pursed as he watches me a little too intensely. even in my inebriated state i know mark’s intensely looking at me. i wonder if it’s because i feel spellbound whenever i look at him.

“hurry!!!” bambam yells and I'm pulled back into the game.

grace and jackson throw me a knowing look. but they know I'm a bit too prideful to lose the game. so i face jaebum again and pull him by his shirt collar. i want to kiss him so bad. i look at him and his eyes widen a little and his usual smirk is misplaced from his face. then i let go.

“i give up.” i shrug. this is the first time i’ve given up on a dare. i’ve possibly made an acquaintance bust in their pants by riding their thigh but kissing jaebum? i can’t do that. when you forfeit a dare, you’re out of the game. something in me snaps and i get teary eyed and leave the table, pushing past jaebum and mark. this is so so soso embarrassing.

i avoid the booth for the rest of the night. jackson and grace find me in the toilet sobbing. why am i even crying? god.

“did you see his fucking face?” i say through my tears. “like me wanting to kiss him was so absurd and bizarre.”

“babe, no.” grace hugs me. “he was just surprised. ‘cause you and jackson are so tight.”

“yeah, grace’s right.” jackson croaks and pats my head. “c’mon, you don’t wanna waste your night in here.” he says and that makes me smile.

i’m drunker than i’d been an hour ago. i'm in the middle of dance floor now with ray and ed; the losers of the dare and dare. although i feel a pair of hands on me, i just keep dancing. i kind of want it to stay. i just want to not remember that jaebum doesn’t like me and will never see me that way.

the next thing i know, i’m being scolded by jaebum outside the club. after he’s pulled me out the toilet after seeing me in a very compromising position.

“arista, could you try to be more responsible?” he says with exasperation. “you don’t even know that guy. what’s going on with you tonight?” he softens at the last part.

“i am responsible!” i whine, pushing him. “people hook up at clubs all the time.” i yell. “i’ve seen you do it! right in front of me a hundred times.” i’m yelling but my voice cracks at the last time.

“people do it. i do it. but you don’t do it, arista. i know you.”

“what the fuck do you know?” i push past him, annoyed. i can’t even gage how angry he is because of how intoxicated i am.

“arista, you’re not going back in. i’m taking you home.”

“look, i’m going to screw that guy’s brains out then we can go.” i say mindlessly. god drunk arista is that bitch.

jaebum grips onto my wrist. “arista.” his voice is low, trying to hold in his anger.

i jerk my head around to see him. his nostrils are flaring a bit i remember thinking he looked beautiful. his hair’s a bit of a mess after a long night. his chin’s pointing out now; he’s mad. even drunk me knows that’s a sign on his face of anger boiling. but i can’t help it. i giggle.

“you’re so fucking hot when you’re mad.” my voice comes out differently. but i feel a small smile on my face. my hands want to touch his face but he’s holding one of my hands already.

he drops my hand and looks at me incredulously. he wants to laugh. “god, you are so drunk.” he still doesn’t believe that i like him. just because i'm drunk.

ray comes out the club just in time. before i can fuck the situation up even more. “it’s okay jae, i can handle this drama queen.” he breathes with an easy smile; like i hadn’t just been pouring my feelings to him.

//

ray and jackson console me rest of the day. so my life’s kind of messy now. at least i have a job i love. i spend the entire day ignoring my phone. if i was a mess like that in real life i don’t even want to see who i texted what to.

//

it’s a couple of nights later. i’m finally home from work. the apartment’s empty and i anticipate that this is how it’s going to be the rest of my life. eventually, i’ll make ray move out (even though he says he will wait for me to find a roommate but it’s been a month of searching and still nada) and i’ll live alone being broke because this apartment is too expensive but also too comfortable to leave.

when the door bell rings, i’m in the kitchen cooking, stretching my neck to watch the tv from there. who is that? i try to remember if i’d ordered anything recently. and as i look out the peep hole, i'm startled.

it’s mark.

[fabelyn]

I think it’s been five years. If so, holy shit how time flies.

Anyway, now that so much time has passed, let me tell you all the story of a random tumblr user that somehow roped me into the start of a toxic friendship.

What do i mean by toxic? I mean threatening suicide whenever their actions get called out.

It’s been five years and recalling how they used a legimate serious issue like suicide to hear what they wanted still pisses me off

Back in the day when I was very active and combatant in a fandom I started making a lot of new friends. This user seemed like a new one too. This was before the tumblr chat function existed so we kept sending each other PMs. 

Buuuut shit went down in the fandom. Fans of ships starting fighting. Yours truly was right in the middle and ‘friend’...claimed to ship both sips and thus not pick sides. Except the fight wasnt about who you shipped but lets not go down that route

Things started getting annoying but small at first. ‘Friend’ started giving me advice...except I was realizing advice was always about twisting what I was doing, putting me down and claiming they were just trying to help. No biggie. I explained what i was doing and why. Friend claimed to understand and claimed to be telling others that...but then would come back and complain about me under the “im just saying what others are seeing” while ignoring all that I said

Oh, dont worry, this wasnt the issue. Oh no, this was just mildly annoying at best

Annoyance number #2 began: friend started sending me weird (as in nonsensical) messages. Then claiming they were drunk.

In between everything I realized our convos had began to not bring me any joy: anything I said was put down (”you’re harsh”. “this idea you just told me? meh”) and I dont recall my interests or ideas being discussed, but I recall always giving them encouragement on their art and stuff.

Anyway, between conversation that was either one sided drunk texting or putting me down, I began calling them out when they were saying untrue things, or simply barely responding when they kept drunk texting me.

At which point this person pulls out card one: “oh im like this because I have mental illness X”. I checked with an actual friend and mental illness X exists. Okay, sure. But now that I had a third perspective to help me, I confirmed that no, having X mental illness did not magically make the way they were treating me okay. I continued to not take their shit.

So the suicide threats began. or pehaps -its been too long- they may have started before but it took a while for me to realize wtf was actually happening.

Basically, if I was too cold in my reply, or called them out, they would immediatly go “omg omg you’re right im so bad I should die. i deserve to be dead. i cant believe i hurt you i should kill myself”

Aaaand of course every time I had to stop my legimate conversation to obviously tell them that no, i wasnt hurt, no they didnt deserve death please don’t die.

I recall one convo where, i s2g i vividly recall them writing out this, in this way “*sniffles* y-you won’t abandon me? I-I can trust you? ;_; ”

By the time it seemed like I had pulled them down from doing something like that, of course my line of conversation calling them out had been completly sidelined. They would cheerily start on another topic and my point was forgotten. Again and again

I think it was only after the third friend got involved and I told her what was going on that it dawned on me they always reacted with suicide threats any time my reply to them wasn’t love and rainbows. a curt reply got “oh god I’m so sorry im such a bother is hould leave you and go dieee” pointing out i disagree with how they were acting was the same. And also only when things werent going as they wanted. 

So fucking tiring

After a point i gave up and just...stopped engaging so much. I always went “no dont die!” when they threatened it but went right back to curt replies and longer silence periods.

Then they claimed they were leaving the fandom because the fandom was sooo toxic. I think I gave the perfunctory “oh no” while cheering on the inside.

Except they didnt leave fandom. They changed username and stopped interacting with me so much. They at one point sent a private message saying “your art was good” and I was like ??? thanks but you could have just clicked the like button or said that on the post. At which point they replied “oh I didnt want to bother you”. Right, sure, dont want to bother me with a like but a PM is better? 

Things fizzled out and then and all their messages I’ve ever received from them disappeared form my backlog.

My hunch is that I blocked an anon message (cant recall why) and less than a week later I noticed everything gone. So my guess is they were the anon

Anyway. I always always wanted to write about this, but despite everything the fear of them killing themselves was too much and I didn’t want to risk writing about them and them seeing it

But it’s been five years, so here it is

[moonbeammuses-a]

Mobile About

Yeah, there’s a decent bit here, but this is info to help YOU know what to expect from ME. Please, take the time, just once, to read over this. I’m a bit wordy for the sake of clarity and leaving as few unanswered questions as possible.

My Rules and About may seem strict, but I am honestly very chill and happy to chat.

► Mun is of age, so are nearly all Muses. I am 26, and nearly all of my humanoid muses are of age, though I DO have child-verses for several of them. I specify humanoid because I will not ship or smut animal or creature muses that are not capable of giving proper informed consent.

►NO MINORS. I WILL NOT WRITE WITH ANY MUN UNDER 18. PERIOD.

►RP stats

I go by either Kitty or Moon on tumblr, though I prefer Kitty. 

You'll probably never find out my IRL name.

I have a Discord but it is for mutuals only. Please IM me for it

I have been RPing for over a decade in various forms

►I am Selective- I only RP with Mutuals(I say selective, but I follow people back left and right so please don’t be intimidated)

-I am selective for my own sanity, as I am a fairly nervous and generally private person. I have to FEEL the ship/story/roleplay in general to be able to write it well. If I cannot write something well I don’t want to write it at all.

►I am Multi-verse and Multi-ship. Nobody is cheating on anyone. I will “connect” verses(threads) with each other if its discussed and WANTED by the other Mun, but this is rare and I have to be comfortable with the Mun to do so.

►Speed may Vary - If I am really feeling a thread, I might reply in MINUTES

But I may also take days, sometimes several weeks to reply to a thread. It depends on interest, muse, availability, and general life things.

It is not impossible that a reply can take over a month, or that I can lose interest in a thread because I've been unable to write a reply for so long. If this happens, I will tell you, and I will likely feel like shit as I apologize profusely. But I can't force something that isn't there.

I spend more time writing than most any other hobby, but RP is, and will always be, just that. A HOBBY. If you are expecting me to consider myself obligated to you in any way, don't follow me.

►VERY IMPORTANT: 

Regardless of what is going on in my life, @theirvoices is my IRL best friend and I will ALWAYS prioritize replies with them. I may be entirely inactive at times with all other mutuals, but writing with them. PLEASE do not take this personally. I could be sitting in my closet having an anxiety attack and writing with my best friend to take my mind off of it. PLEASE do not make assumptions that I am ignoring you. They are my RP wife and my best friend and will ALWAYS be a priority, even when my activity on other threads is very slow. If that is a problem, I recommend not following me.

►I Drop Ask-Threads- If a thread was started with an ask, I WILL eventually drop it, likely with no warning, unless we plot out and make a defined storyline for it. This is because I recieve new asks and sentence memes EVERY. DAY. and it is beyond unrealistic to keep all of them.

If you want to KEEP an ask-thread, tell me.

►Following

-I will not follow you if you do not have at least semi-detailed Rules, About, and Bio pages. I also will expect to be able to find examples of your writing on your page without scrolling for ten minutes. -I need to know that our writing and posting styles will mesh. -I need to be comfortable writing with you. -I need to know that you are of age. -I need to know enough about your character to write with them. -I need to know that your expectations of other muses mesh with what I do/don't do.

-If I am following you, it is because I feel your muse(s) and mine may have some chemistry or potential for a story.

-IF I AM NOT FOLLOWING YOU, IT MAY BE BECAUSE I DO NOT KNOW THE MUSE YOU PLAY (example: I am not even remotely up to speed on any of the CW shows like the Flash, and have yet to see the Kingsman movies)

-PLEASE don't take it personally if I am not following back. There may be a multitude of reasons. For example, it can take me a long time to read over your blog properly. I don't follow without extensively checking out a person's blog.

-Additionally, IF I CANNOT READ YOUR BLOG I WILL NOT FOLLOW YOU. I have bad eyesight, and if you use tiny ass font or similar colors so that I can't read your blog even after zooming in until your theme is unusable, I will NOT follow you.

►Unfollowing- I will unfollow/not follow you if:

-If you do not tag your posts, I will unfollow you. I will not apologize. 

-You send hate to people. Constructive criticism is one thing, but being a dick is unnecessary and I wont even say anything about this, I'll simply block you.

-You ignore my rules. Depending on the rule, I may warn you, I may simply unfollow, or I may block you. Respect people's rules. We are all here to write and enjoy ourselves, and respecting each other is an important part of that.

-You pressure me. An occasional nudge is fine but if you pressure me to reply i will drop the thread and unfollow. I've got enough IRL anxiety, I’m not here for more.

- You don't cut your posts. Seriously, there are several options, for desktop or mobile. I don't want to scroll for ten years to get to the next post. I'm not a major stickler for this, but be reasonable with your post length

► When I unfollow you for breaking my rules, I will:

Immediately drop all threads/delete all drafts and asks between us.

-Softblock you, so that you unfollow ME as well. This is to help ensure you do not presume we are still writing partners.

-Ignore any correspondence you attempt, including Asks, IMs, comments on my posts, etc. Excepting certain circumstances. 

-If you repeatedly try to interact with me despite this, I will block you on all known blogs.

►Tagging

Personal posts are also tagged: #Kitty whines, OR #Kitty rambles

Smut/nudity/sexual imagery is tagged as #{{ NSFW }} OR just #nsfw . I try to use both.

if sexual acts are insinuated but not SHOWN, I use the tag #{{ nsfw-ish }}

-I sometimes forget to tag. Please remind me if you like, but be aware that this blog IS NSFW-THEMED and NSFW things, including smut, gore, character death, violence, torture, and a variety of other things will occur.

That’s not to say I won’t respect your triggers, because I will, I simply need to know if you need something tagged.

In general, NSFW smut, Death, Rape, and Torture are always tagged. Beyond that, I dont tag blood or gore or injuries, because they are rampant in my threads. Please use your own discretion to decide if this is a blog you should be following, because I DO NOT want you to be uncomfortable or threatened by myself or my content, but I also will not change how I RP.

-potentially triggering content will be tagged: {{ tw: tag }} example: {{ tw: non-con }}, {{ tw: Torture }}, etc.

►Icons

I am 100% okay with icon-less RP. You do NOT have to have icons or special formatting to RP with me ♥

- I use GIFs and Icons in MOST of my replies. Usually sized 100 pixels, I do occasionally go up to 150 pixels for gif icons. I have bad eyesight, and therefore need GIFs I use to be at least 150. If this bothers you, I can refrain from using GIFs in my RP with you. Please let me know.

-I RARELY, and ONLY with certain people will use larger GIFs or stills for specific scenes. I won’t do this without asking, but it does occur on my blog.

-I generally edit all of my own GIFs, unless otherwise stated in tags or a character's bio. If you want to use an image I edited, PLEASE check with me, and if you find that I have improperly credited/forgotten to credit someone please let me know.

Icon Credit

Almost all still 100x100 icons images that do NOT have a PSD come from the Hollow Artists, either at the Hollow Art website, or on their tumblr page, thehollowedartists.tumblr.com

My icon PSD with the crescent moon in the corner was made by @phasiiingxshadow, as was my Harley Quinn PSD.

200x110 icons with the moon in the bottom right corner were made by Snow: @writteninthestcrs

I have also used PSDs from the pack HERE for headers and graphics, and have used other free PSDs from @darkrpsd in some of my iconing ( check them out and see if you can support them!)