#(getting better is all about failing over and over yada yada ik all that shit i'm just not built to handle it. mentally)
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it's so hard being a person who needs to be the best at everything when you are slightly below average at best at any given department
#i don't think ppl who tell me i'm good at x thing (that includes things like looks or voice etc btw) are lying or anything#but i do think they're biased and their love skews their perception of me. bc i mean. no one else can see it after all#and i hate that as a kid i was propped up as better than others bc it really did give me this complex while growing up lol#joining a gifted class and finding out i'm not actually particulary smart compared to them#failing auditions as an adult or messing up things i did get into#like this is why i don't like it when ppl say i have an impostor syndrome like noooo i literally do suck 😭#i'm not saying this in an 'i'm blind to my own abilities' way i'm just saying that compared to most people i am below average 😭#being better at a thing than the average person who. doesn't do the thing. doesn't mean much when i'm among the worst in those who do#and it's really discouraging from getting better at things too. bc i feel so inherently shitty at everything that it feels pointless#(esp given that i DID put years of effort into certain things yet i still suck or i lost my ability to do them with time)#so it's easier to not try. if i'm gonna be the worst anyway yknow? may as well save the effort and the heartache of trying and failing#(getting better is all about failing over and over yada yada ik all that shit i'm just not built to handle it. mentally)#vent#accidentally. bc i started rambling. bc i'm in some jealousy fueled rage rn sorry
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