#(except for Faith's last name and her Watcher's name I guess?)

[coraniaid]

As you might have guessed already, I'm not exactly a big fan of the Scythe that Buffy introduces into its mythology in the show's final few episodes. But I can accept that it has a useful part to play in the plot of Season 7.

Buffy as a show (and Buffy as a person) is not completely a stranger to the idea of defeating the season's Big Bad with some sort of mystical weapon (whether that's the sword Kendra brings Buffy in Season 2 which can defeat the demon Acathla, or Olaf the Troll's enchanted hammer which she uses to get the upper hand in the final fight against Glory). Having a new weapon that lets her turn the tables on Caleb or the Turok-Han or whoever else isn't a horrible idea as such, and not a huge departure from anything the show had done before.

Tying this weapon explicitly back to the origin of the Slayers fits in with the season thematically, and making the Scythe a key part of the spell Willow casts at the end of the season both makes Buffy herself seem more active in the season finale and avoids giving the impression that this was a spell Willow could've cast at any time in the last year if she'd thought about it.

Plus, yeah, some of those shots of Buffy wielding the Scythe look pretty cool, sure. And without the Scythe Fuffy fans like me wouldn't have been gifted the "it feels like it's mine ... guess that means it's yours" line, or the "hold the line" moment when Buffy goes down injured and passes the Scythe onto Faith.

I think the biggest issue with the Scythe is the way the show has it tied explicitly to Sunnydale and with the entire concept of the Guardians and the Shadow Men (without a doubt some of the show's worst ever world-building, and that's saying something).

The way I'd approach the Scythe, if I were rewriting Season 7 (but mostly keeping the original plot intact) is this:

First, I'd introduce the Scythe a lot earlier. Of course, maybe (probably?) the writers just hasn't thought of it yet [although, I might be completely wrong, but doesn't it appear in one of the tie-in comics before it appears in the show itself?], but I think they must have had some inkling of how the season was going to end pretty early on [Buffy's remark to Willow at the end of Same Time, Same Place about having "so much strength I'm giving it away" has got to be deliberate foreshadowing, right?].

In my version of the show's lore, there's no such thing as the Shadow Men, and in fact we would learn this season that the Watchers as an institution are explicitly more recent -- possibly much more recent -- than the Slayer herself. I'd have Giles introduce the Scythe as a weapon that was forged by "allies of one of the first Slayers -- nobody alive knows exactly when; this was before the Council was founded, perhaps before any written history at all". However, at some point early on in their history the Council took control of the weapon.

In particular, it's something that they use to track down and identify Potential Slayers. Perhaps this was how the Slayer operated before there were Watchers -- each Slayer would try to find girls who might have the potential to take over her role and responsibilities if she were ever killed. (As a retcon, this might make Buffy now having to do the same thing herself a little more palatable, or at least try to ground it in some sort of wider context.) Maybe the first Watchers were simply allies of the Slayer she sent to look for more Potentials, and over time (as Slayers died and were replaced, over and over again) the Watchers assumed more and more power until eventually they were the ones making all the decisions.

In my version of Season 7, this is one of the reasons Caleb -- and, yeah, I don't like it any more than you but I guess I'm introducing Caleb by name earlier than in canon as well -- attacked the Council? He didn't just want to get rid of the Watchers; he wanted to take the tool they were using to find Potentials so that he and the First's other agents could more easily hunt them down. [Does the show ever explain how the First is able to identify Potentials? I don't think it does but maybe...]

Now, rather than the Sycthe being something that appears from nowhere and that Buffy only finds out about at all because Caleb finds it in Sunnydale (somehow?) and decides to use it as bait (for some reason?), the Scythe -- as a weapon that's being used to track down Potentials -- is something Buffy knows about for at least half the season. She leads the Potentials to attack Caleb not on a vague hunch that pays off, but explicitly to try to take the Scythe from him.

And when she does finally manage to get hold of it, you don't need some random soon-to-be-murdered old woman to appear and explain what it is, because this is information that Buffy has already been given by somebody who was already part of the show. She can still be surprised by how useful it is as a weapon for the Slayer herself, having previously only thought of it as a weapon used by her enemies, but you can skip so many paragraphs of clunky exposition (or, if not quite skip, break them up into more palatable chunks and deliver some of them in earlier episodes through existing characters we might want to listen to).

Pretty much everything else can play out as written; you still get to use the Scythe to activate all the Potentials and give Buffy a last-episode power boost and have a big final battle if you want. But -- because the existence of the Scythe has already been established, because it's been used to explain why the Council were attacked and how the First is able to so easily hunt down so many Potentials, because Buffy made the deliberate choice to try to get it back -- it would hopefully no longer feel like so much of a lazy, last minute ass pull.

That being said though, in my actual Season 7 rewrite the Scythe (and Caleb, and the Turok-Han, and...) just doesn't exist at all. I think that's even better.

[surpassingvalour]

grief, in isolation

for anon, who requested “angsty nolofinweans after fingolfins death”

~

Fingon didn’t get to say goodbye.

That was what kept coming back to him: again and again he lost those he loved, never getting the chance to give them a last farewell. His mother hadn’t been able to face him after the Kinslaying; he’d been in the middle of a pointless spat with Arakáno right before he was killed; Turukáno and Írissë and Itarillë had vanished without warning, the better for the secrecy and security of Turno’s kingdom, he said in the letter he left behind.

What a load of horse shit. Secrecy be damned, Fingon missed his family. He didn’t know if they’d made it safely to Ondolindë, what had befallen them there, if Itarillë had gotten up the courage to kiss that girl she’d been so enamoured with before she abandoned her, too—

And now he’d lost his father also. Fingolfin hadn’t even left a note like Turukáno. He’d just...left. Charged into battle with no care for anyone other than himself—no, not even for himself. An eagle had been spied carrying his body away, and if it truly was Thorondor as the rumors said, well. Fingon would have words with him about that. He didn’t even get a body to bury. Why would Thorondor return Fingolfin’s corpse to Hithlum when it would be safer in Ondolindë?

He had Maedhros, at least, to comfort him. Maedhros who had lost his own father centuries before, Maedhros who loved him more than he deserved, Maedhros who Fingon trusted would never, ever leave without a goodbye. Not after the last time.

But aside from Maedhros, Fingon was alone.

~

Turukáno knelt by the cairn he had built with his own hands. Sorontar had watched, solemn and silent, as he had dismissed the watchers and tended to the broken form of his father’s body with his own hands. It was not beneath the King of Ondolindë to honor his father like this, even if Ñolofinwë had not also been High King of the Ñoldor.

He even turned aside Itarillë, urging her to keep Maeglin away from the sight. It was not fair that the lad would never meet his grandfather, but Turukáno did not want Maeglin’s only memory of Ñolofinwë to be the bruised and battered thing he was in death.

Now the work was done, and his hands ached. His robes were stained with dirt, his cheeks with tears, his heart with yet another grief. It was too much, too much. And he was alone—by choice he was alone. He had banished his daughter and his nephew to spare them this misery, shunned his friends and lords when they offered to help. This was something he had to do by himself, no matter how it pained him.

He was so lonely in Ondolindë. This was his glorious kingdom, a living memory of Tirion upon Túna, and he was proud of it, proud of his people—and he was so alone. Elenwë was dead; Írissë was dead; Arakáno was dead; Ñolofinwë was dead. All that remained of his family were Itarillë, sweet Itarillë who he loved more than anything, and Maeglin, the ill-fated child he tried to love in his sister’s place.

And Findekáno, somewhere out there, rising to take the throne. Turukáno should be there, standing beside him, supporting him, and yet—

And yet he had risked everything to create this place of safety. He could not leave, not even for Findekáno’s sake. Not when letting Írissë roam free had led to her misery and death.

At least he had a grave to mourn by. Findekáno did not have even that.

~

Itarillë’s hands shook as she attempted to make her words as smooth and elegant upon the page as they once had been. She breathed deep, and still they trembled. But she pressed on regardless, because she needed to write this letter. She had to let her uncle Findekáno know that his father had been laid to rest.

Her father did not allow communications from the outside world. But Sorontar was here, and Grandfather Ñolofinwë was dead, so surely this would be an exception. Itarillë’s heart broke at the thought of Uncle Finno all alone without any family to comfort him—any family but Maitimo, that was. And though she was not as resentful of her Fëanárion cousins as her father, gone were the days where she smiled and sat on Uncle Maitimo’s lap and read him stories written by her mother. She could not muster hatred for him, but neither could she muster love.

Dearest Uncle Findekáno, she wrote, and then paused. Was it alright to write in Quenya? She knew her uncle went by Fingon now, that with Thingol’s ban upon their tongue everyone outside of Ondolindë had changed their names...but surely an Eagle-borne message would not be scrutinized by the King of the Sindar. Then again, if she ever hoped to leave these walls, she ought to practice her Sindarin.

Dearest Uncle Fingon, she tried again, this time in Sindarin. Yes, this was better; it took more effort to think in this second language, which meant she could not spend so much energy purely upon grief.

I write to you because my father will not. I am certain you know this already, but your father and my grandfather, High King Ñolofinwë Fingolfin, has perished...

Itarillë wrote until her hands cramped and her mind went blank—and then she threw the letter in the fire. How could she write to Uncle Finno now, about her grandfather, when he didn’t even know his sister, too, was dead?

~

Maeglin was used to the stares. He was different, an outsider, the only newcomer to Gondolin since its foundation. At least, the only newcomer who yet lived. Everyone seemed to discount Eöl.

So of course people stared at him. It wasn’t all bad; many of them were just curious. And they got used to him after a time, especially when he started to work in the forge and they came to appreciate him for his craft. And then the king his uncle had declared him a Lord of Gondolin, with all the pomp and circumstance that entailed, and people looked to him as some sort of leader instead of a stranger. He still wasn’t quite used to that.

But these stares—this time they unsettled him.

They weren’t looking at Maeglin, Eöl’s son, the stranger, the half-Avari changeling, the boy who flinched from loud noises and couldn’t stay long out in the sun. They weren’t looking at Lómion, Írissë’s boy, the poor royal orphan, the young man who stuttered through his Quenya and couldn’t make any friends. They weren’t looking at Maeglin the smith or even at Lord Maeglin of the House of the Mole.

No, for the first time, people stared at Prince Maeglin, grandson of Fingolfin, the castaway heir of a broken throne.

Maeglin had never met Fingolfin. Turgon hadn’t even let him see the body. He didn’t know if he resembled his grandfather, if Fingolfin would have loved him or hated him, if he would have been welcomed into the great Ñolofinwëan family as Aredhel’s son. And now even the unrealistic fantasy of meeting those relatives of his who still lived was being crushed.

He only had the one grandfather. Eöl had been one of the Unbegotten, fatherless, woken at Cuiviénen. That had seemed wondrous and exciting when Maeglin was a child, and Eöl had for once been happy to talk about the past, eager to remind his son that he, too, had woken alongside Finwë and made the journey west. Only he was braver and better than any Ñoldo, because he had done it alone.

But Maeglin had loved his mother’s stories more, when it came down to it, though the legends were not as grand when he saw them up close. He didn’t feel like Fingolfin’s grandson, not when he’d never met the ellon. And now he never would.

~

Anairë hadn’t known who to go to when she felt her marriage bond break. Eärwen still had her husband, the Valar had doomed Ñolofinwë to his fate, most of her old friends had left with her husband when he marched away from her. It had been centuries—she had tried to move on—she had closed their bond long ago. She didn’t expect it to hurt so much when he died. She didn’t even expect to know.

In the end there was only one person she could talk to. But drawing Nerdanel out of isolation was not an easy task.

The first years after the Flight of the Ñoldor were hectic and dreadful. Nerdanel, Anairë, and Eärwen had stuck close together for survival, but when things began to settle down... Well, Anairë and Eärwen had always been closer to each other than to Fëanáro’s wife. They loved Nerdanel, of course, but...well. She had distanced herself from the line of Finwë even before her husband’s rebellion. And her husband...

And so they drifted apart. Anairë never felt alone, not with Eärwen, and later, not with Arafinwë, too. How strange that her husband’s little brother would welcome her into his bed! Such a fate was not one she could have predicted when she married Ñolofinwë. She had believed then that they would never be parted, that strangeness of Míriel and Finwë and Indis was unique. She knew better now.

And yet: Eldarin marriage was forever. The bond had broken with Ñolofinwë’s death—she didn’t even know how he had died—but it was still there, just...in pieces. Anairë didn’t know how to start reassembling them, if she even could.

Nerdanel’s house was empty the first time she worked up the courage to visit. The second time, her once-sister turned her away. The third time, however, Nerdanel invited her inside.

It was awkward and painful and confusing. But Nerdanel confirmed what Anairë had guessed: yes, this meant Ñolofinwë was dead. No, it would not be possible to rebuild their bond, not with him still confined to Mandos’ Halls.

“But,” Nerdanel had said bitterly, “your husband was a valiant king. I have faith that he will be released someday.”

Anairë did not need to ask about her opinion on Fëanáro’s fate. She, too, had known the Spirit of Fire.

The visit was worth it, though it did not bring peace to her heart. At least now Anairë knew that she was not alone in her strange grief, supposed to be foreign to the Blessed Realm.

And Ñolofinwë would return to her, someday. She just didn’t know if she would return herself to him.

~

[also available on AO3]

[woolishlygrim]

Dark Souls Theory: Unkindled and Lords of Cinder

So, there was a pretty solid theory doing the rounds a while ago that every Unkindled in Dark Souls III corresponds to a Lord of Cinder, having been linked to them in life in some way. Anri obviously corresponds to Aldrich, Hawkwood to the Abyss Watchers, and Siegward to Yhorm.

But a lot of people concluded from this and some tbh kinda flimsy extra evidence that the Ashen One is the Unkindled tied to Lothric and Lorien, and they aren’t. Friede is, and I will prove it.

I’ll tack in some context and backstory too, just in case any non Dark Souls fans want to read the, er, argument for the prosecution of Elfriede ‘Reverse Sulyvahn’ Londor.

Context.

(If you already know the story of DS3, skip this part. Or don’t, I’m not the boss of you.)

So, the basic set up of Dark Souls is that many eons ago, during an age without light or dark, or life and death, just endless grey and immortal dragons, hollow beings within the earth found the First Flame, the first sparks of disparity in the world, and from it, four of them retrieved four Lord Souls: Gwyn, Lord of Sunlight, claimed the Light Soul; the Witch of Izalith (most likely also named Izalith) claimed the Life Soul; Nito, First of the Dead, claimed the Death Soul; and last of all, the Furtive Pygmy claimed the Dark Soul, and shared it out among humanity.

Gwyn, Izalith, and Nito would go on to defeat the dragons and begin the Age of Fire, but in time, the First Flame that sustained it began to fade, heralding the onset of the Age of Dark, where humanity would rule. Unable to let go of the age had fought for, and terrified of what the Age of Dark might involve, Gwyn decided to Link the Fire, burning himself on it as fuel. This, we are told, is the First Sin -- the Age of Fire was never meant to last forever, and it was always meant to fade into the Age of Dark, and Gwyn’s prolonging of it traps the world in a vicious cycle, preventing the Age of Fire from truly ending, forcing person after person to come and link the Fire in turn as their predecessors burn out, while the world decays around them.

Dark Souls III comes crashing in after countless cycles, each one less effective than the last. The Fire is fading once more, and there is nobody to Link it this time. In desperation, the bell at Firelink Shrine is rung, resurrecting five (or four, there’s some contention over whether Lothric ever linked the Fire, but I believe that he did and that the references to him ‘not taking his throne’ refer to him not returning to link it a second time) Lords of Cinder, people who have linked the Fire in the past, to all burn on it again, or else surrender their fires and their kingdoms to someone else.

With the exception of one, Ludleth, all of the Lords of Cinder refuse to return to their thrones and link the Fire a second time, and so five Unkindled, people who attempted to link the Fire and failed, are resurrected to bring the Lords back to their thrones.

Every Unkindled Has A Corresponding Lord of Cinder: Anri, Hawkwood, and Siegward.

So, the theory goes, every Unkindled is matched against a Lord of Cinder. This makes perfect sense, but it’s true in multiple ways: Each Unkindled is someone that Lord knew before they became a Lord, but each Unkindled’s story and history also parallels their Lord.

Aldrich, Saint of the Deep, was a cleric of the Way of White who discovered a taste for human flesh. Devouring countless victims, he bloated, then softened into a black sludge, becoming something inhuman, and it is heavily indicated that he was captured and forced to link the Flame. Upon being resurrected, he received visions of an Age of Deep Seas, and chose to force the fading of the Flame by devouring the gods themselves -- starting with Gwyndolin, Gwyn’s son.

Anri of Astora, meanwhile, was once a captive of Aldrich, held prisoner as a child, one of his future meals. They, and another captive named Horace, escaped, and evidence suggests they were instrumental in capturing Aldrich and forcing him to link the Flame. It’s not clear how Anri ended up trying to link it, but in the aftermath of their resurrection, they became an adherent of the Sable Church, a church wholly opposite to the Way of White, which believes in usurping the Flame.

The Abyss Watchers were a caravan of undead who roamed in search of the Abyss, a kind of malevolent wellspring of Humanity, inspired by the legend of Artorias the Abyss Walker. It is said that when a city showed the first signs of the Abyss, the Watchers would emerge and bury it. And yet, like Artorias, it seems they eventually began to fall to the Abyss themselves -- and rather than allow that, they linked the Flame, burning themselves as fuel. The First Flame did once contain the same Dark Soul that gave rise to the Abyss, after all. Upon resurrection, they have entire lost their minds to the Abyss, endlessly fighting each other in the depths of Farron Keep.

Hawkwood the Deserter, meanwhile, is a deserter from the Abyss Watchers. Choosing to fight with a sword and shield instead of their customary sword and dagger, he was ridiculed and despised as a coward, a judgement that would later be proven true when he abandoned them, perhaps out of fear of the Abyss encroaching on them. Hawkwood is driven by a fear of death and a hatred of his own cowardice, and we can make an educated guess and say he tried to link the Flame in order to survive in some form, to make a mark on history that would finally win him people’s admiration -- but he fails, and becomes ash. Upon being resurrected, Hawkwood is fatalistic, claiming that it’s impossible for Unkindled to defeat the Lords, but he does eventually find a purpose, as he attempts to seek the immortality of the dragons. Where the Watchers were honourable, group-minded, and didn’t fear death, Hawkwood seeks immortality to be free from his fear, and he seeks it for himself and only himself.

Yhorm the Giant was once the king of the Profaned Capital. Once, the people of the Capital were ruled over by a great warlord who had conquered many kingdoms -- but one day, they found themselves without a ruler and protector, and so they turned to Yhorm, the warlord’s descendant. While Yhorm was by all accounts a wise king and a fierce protector, he was derided by his people, who seemed to resent and doubt him. Eventually, however, an ancient curse awoke in a group of oracles within the Capital, and from them was born the Profane Flame, an ever-burning fire that consumed people’s hearts. It’s not clear what the Profane Flame is, but clearly it (like the Chaos Flame before it) was linked to the First Flame, and may have even been an attempt at recreating it. Either way, Yhorm believed he could calm it by linking the first Flame, and did so -- only for the first Flame to run out of control and rain fire over the city, consuming every human within it. Upon being resurrected, Yhorm saw the futility of what he had done, and settled in to his throne, surrounded by the burnt bodies of his people, to await his friend.

Siegward was an honourable knight of Catarina, and a good friend to Yhorm. At some point in their friendship, Yhorm took two Storm Ruler swords, which he was vulnerable to, gifting one to the people of the Capital and the other to Siegward. He made Siegward swear an oath that if Yhorm ever strayed from his duty, Siegward would come for him -- and with them both resurrected, Siegward does exactly that, or at least, he tries to. As with the others, it’s not clear why Siegward tried to link the Flame, but we can speculate that perhaps he did it to preserve his home of Catalina, or perhaps it was to delay the inevitable time when Yhorm would be resurrected to burn again. Yhorm and Siegward are both honourable, dutiful people, but while Yhorm abandons his duty when he sees the futility of what he did, Siegward never does. An oath is an oath, after all, and he swore one to Yhorm.

I’m spending so much time going over this to make it clear that, apart from each Unkindled and Lord being linked, they also form two halves of a wider narrative. Aldrich and Anri make up to sides of a story about how faith can corrupt or inspire; the Abyss Watchers and Hawkwood are two sides of a story about bravery and what bravery really means; and Yhorm and Siegward are two sides of a story about duty and futility, and especially what duty means when fulfilling your duty achieves nothing of value.

So that leaves two Lords, Lothric/Lorien and Ludleth, and two Unkindled, Elfriede of Londor and the Ashen One. 

Elfriede and Lothric.

We’ll split this into two halves: How things likely played out narratively, and how they match up thematically.

So, Lothric, younger prince of the kingdom of Lothric, was born to link the Flame. From birth, likely even from conception, that was his purpose: He would grow, take the throne, and at the appropriate time, literally actually set himself on fire to keep the world warm.

His older brother, Lorien, was a great swordsman and knight, who had even defeated the Demon Prince (ostensibly), a battle that had charred the blade of his greatsword black. His sister, Gertrude, was -- well, we’ll get to her. But Lothric, unlike his siblings, was born sickly and frail in both mind and body.

It is said that as he was growing up, Lothric had a tutor, a scholar who instilled in him a deep doubt about the Fire-Linking ritual. At the same time, Gertrude was visited upon by angels, being struck blind and mute, and began to write the texts that would inspire the heretical Angelic Faith.

The Angelic Faith, we know, is actually either the same as or closely related to the faith of the Sable Church of Londor -- the pilgrims of Londor seemingly, if they can make it close enough to the end of the world, become angels. 

Similarly, I would posit that Lothric’s tutor was actually Friede, or Elfriede of the Sable Church. 

(This is a tactic we see her use elsewhere, after all, almost exactly, later on in the story. When encountered in the Painted World of Ariandel, Friede has ingratiated herself with the painter Ariandel, and convinced him to let the Painted World rot. She doesn’t do this out of spite or malice: She’s driven by genuine kindness because, as a Painted World falls to rot, it is set ablaze to clear the way for a new Painted World. For Friede, who came from outside the painting, setting fire to the painting seems like a terribly cruel thing.)

Friede fits almost too perfectly. She is a scholar, after all, seemingly well-educated in matters of history and cosmology, and a swordswoman who might have been hired to be Lothric’s (sadly useless, as he was too weak to wield the sword made for him) swordsmanship tutor. She is a founder of the Sable Church, perfectly positioned to have introduced the Angelic Faith to Gertrude. And she is wracked with guilt over a promise she made to protect someone, only to have to resort to violence to do so -- reason enough, then, for her to suggest a gentler approach to making sure Lothric doesn’t link the Flame.

Most importantly, though, she is an Unkindled, which means she is linked with a Lord of Cinder. It must be either Lothric or Ludleth, and we’ll get to why it makes more sense for it to be Lothric in a bit.

So she becomes his tutor, she places the seeds of doubt in him, she helps Gertrude become a would-be prophet of sorts. But Friede, we’re told, is kind. As Yuria says, her kindness wore upon her principles. Her principles, here, are allowing the Flame to be usurped or snuffed out. So, with that in mind, how would her kindness wear upon that? We can assume the end result of it was her attempting to link the Flame, going against all her principles in the process, but who was she being kind to while doing so?

It’s not Ludleth. Ludleth is a powerful sorcerer, and so eager and fervent in his desire to see the Age of Fire continue that he cuts off his own legs to ensure he won’t flee. What use does he have for kindness?

Lothric, though, poor Lothric, has been raised from birth for the sole purpose of being burned alive for years, or maybe centuries. He is sick and frail, kept isolated from the rest of the world, and this torment waiting for him, a torment so terrible that even Ludleth can be heard begging in his sleep for the pain to stop, isn’t even one he can take on his own. Lorien has already figured this out, figured out that Lothric is too weak to link the Flame on his own, and that someone would have to share in the Fire-linking.

Friede, we are told, is kind. So doesn’t it make the most sense that, seeing Lothric and Lorien doomed to this terrible fate, she steps in and links the Flame for them? If the Flame is linked already, then there’s no need for them to sacrifice themselves.

Except Friede fails. She is burned to ash, the Flame isn’t sustained by her, and eventually Lorien carries Lothric into the Kiln, and they burn together. The experience breaks Lorien’s mind and body completely, and when they are resurrected, Lothric wants nothing to do with the Flame, content to simply watch it fade alongside his brother.

Friede, meanwhile, is resurrected as well, but flees into the Painted World. Making it a new home, she, perhaps not fully understanding the Painted World’s own cycle, seeks to sustain it indefinitely, even as it falls to rot. It’s worth noting that this is the opposite of the Sable Church’s views in the real world: Letting the Painted World rot, sustaining the current painting at any cost, is analogous to linking the Flame and sustaining the Age of Fire; whereas burning the painting and creating a new one is analogous to the transition to a new age that Yuria and Lilliane hope for.

Two halves of the same story. Friede’s kindness sees her betray her sisters and her principles; Lothric and Lorien’s kindness binds them closer together, even as it leads to their ruin.

Of course, they’re the easy pair to justify. There’s another one, though: The Ashen One is also an Unkindled, and there’s only one Lord left for them to be linked to.

The Ashen One and Ludleth.

At first blush, it seems utterly impossible for the Ashen One and Ludleth to be the last pair. Ludleth doesn’t recognise the Ashen One, he introduces himself, it’s fairly clear that the two of them never met before they were both resurrected, probably never even heard the other one’s name. They aren’t friends or enemies or even acquaintances, they’re total strangers.

Or, at least, Ludleth is a stranger to the Ashen One. The Ashen One has never met Ludleth before, but, while he doesn’t realise it, Ludleth does know the Ashen One. In fact, Ludleth linked the Flame because, and only because, of the Ashen One. The Ashen One is the single most important person in Ludleth’s life, even though they have never seen each other.

Because Ludleth hasn’t seen the Ashen One, but someone has.

“ Ahh. Found her, did we? And the black eyes that shimmer within, I see? Tis as if it were but yesterday. We did all we could to spare her from them. Much has happened since. Mayhap I should apprise thee... Of what the thin light of these eyes might reveal to the eyeless Firekeeper. Scenes of betrayal, things never intended for her ken, visions of... this age's end..." 

“The eyes show a world destitute of fire, a barren plane of endless darkness. A place born of betrayal. So I will'd myself Lord, to link the fire, to paint a new vision. What is thine intent?"

In one ending, arguably the true ending, of Dark Souls III, the Ashen One can betray the Firekeeper and choose to usurp the Flame, ushering in a new Age, an age of -- something that isn’t quite the Age of Fire or the Age of Dark.

The previous Firekeeper saw a vision of this, in which the pilgrims of Londor are kneeling for the Usurper, who has betrayed the Firekeeper. We know that she told Ludleth about this vision. But Ludleth has never seen this vision. He doesn’t know who the Usurper is, he doesn’t know what they look like. 

Nevertheless, his terror and outrage at what the Usurper did prompted him to throw the Firekeeper from the top of the belltower, and link the Flame. He’s not, in truth, a worthy candidate for the Flame -- you must be a monarch to link the Flame, and Ludleth is just a humble pygmy. But he has power, and a ring made from a Soulfeeder, and with that power and the power of the Flame, he reshapes the land, raising the High Wall of Lothric to block the passage of the pilgrims of Londor as they try to reach the Kiln of the First Flame. After all, he knows that the pilgrims of Londor are a part of this, so surely the Usurper is among them.

If there’s any doubt that Ludleth created the High Wall of Lothric, I will point you to this:

(Pictured: The beta version of Dark Souls III, where the High Wall of Lothric is the ‘Wall of Lodeleth.’)

Like Gwyn, Ludleth is willing to burn for what he believes. But him alone isn’t enough, so he uses the Flame to make more changes: He uses it to ring the Bell, awakening Aldrich, the Abyss Watchers, Yhorm, and I believe Lothric and Lorien. When they don’t return to their thrones, five Unkindled are raised: Anri, Hawkwood, Siegward, Friede and the Ashen One, a nameless undead who tried and failed to link the Flame long ago and was of no importance to anyone.

Making their way through Lothric, the Ashen One will inevitably encounter the pilgrims, most of them dead, at the edge of the High Wall. One is alive, though, Yoel, and if you let him, Yoel will lead the Ashen One to Yuria, the Sable Church, and ultimately, usurping the Flame.

Despite never having met, the Ashen One and Ludleth are intimately tied together. Ludleth links the Fire because of you, to try and stop you, and in doing so, he creates the conditions necessary for you to succeed. In true tragic fashion, his knowledge of the future comes back around to bite him.

But thematically, the two are parallels as well. Ludleth is unimportant: He’s not a king, he’s probably not even a Pygmy Lord (although if he was, what would it matter, outside the Ringed City as he is), he’s just a small, unimportant pygmy. What sets him apart is his determination: Ludleth believes, truly believes, in the Age of Fire, with a zeal that is probably matched only by Gwyn himself. Ludleth is so determined to see the Age of Fire continue that he doesn’t just burn once, he cuts off his own legs to keep himself from running from burning again. 

Of all the Lords of Cinder in game, he is the only one who went to his fate entirely willingly, without being either literally forced (Aldrich), raised for the sole purpose of burning (Lothric), facing the certain loss of sanity due to the Abyss (the Watchers), or facing the destruction of his home and the derision of his people (Yhorm) -- and then he does it a second time.

And isn’t that kind of exactly the same as the Ashen One?

The Ashen One is nobody, a nameless undead who failed to link the Flame. They have no place in history, nobody remembers them, and as far as we can tell they achieved nothing of value in their life. If you play through the game, though, the Ashen One will, through sheer grit, defeat four Lords of Cinder, topple the reign of Pontiff Sulyvahn, set fire to the Painted World so it can be renewed, and defeat the Soul of Cinder, the deific manifestation of every Lord. They never lose their mind, no matter how much they hollow, and they, of all the Unkindled, are the only one to even come close to bringing the absentee Lords back to their thrones -- they’re one of only three to even try.

Like Ludleth, the Ashen One is a determined nobody. Unlike Ludleth, though, the Ashen One isn’t content with just eking out a few more years for the Age of Fire. They would rather break the cycle.

[ft-stories-lgbt]

Two men in love

Pairing : Gratsu

Warning : blood and violence

*

“If I asked you now

Will you be my Prince?

Will you lay down your armour

and be with me forever?”

The Irrepressibles – Two men in love

Love.

For the longest time, Natsu thought that he knew all about it. He was fully aware of this special emotion since living in Fairy Tail meant sharing love and trust with every member and being proud of it. He knew how important it was so their guild could stay united and stable.

So, he loved them; every single one of them. Hard and equally. Because this is who he is: when he puts his mind into something, he has to do it perfectly.

But as for many things—and really, Natsu should have known— there is an exception. An anomaly which was painted out of the spectrum which the dragon Slayer had seen.

A new colour.

For him, this exception was Gray.

On every level, Gray had managed to destroy everything Natsu believed into; like the fact that the love running through Fairy Tail's veins wasn’t capable to make everything better for a damaged soul. That it was not because Natsu came and found peace in Fairy Tail with ease, that anyone could pass that door and feel whole again. That some people were sometimes so deep in their grieve, love was simply not enough. At least not the kind of love Fairy Tail has to offer.

And therefore, Natsu tried to understand. He tried to understand through fists and tears. He tried to understand through yells and curses. He tried to understand because to him, everyone deserved to feel peace. He wanted the same for Gray.

But somewhere over the years he fell and failed. Because his life presented him a new colour, Natsu soon discovered a whole new palette from it.

He fell because he found a new kind of love, he never thought he could have.

And he failed because when he finally understood why those blue eyes were always so sad despite the smiles and the laughs, it was already too late.

*

It’s raining.

He is drenched from head to toe and the cold air around him isn’t helping. He tries to catch his breath as he stares at his enemy in front of him, panting with a hand pressed to his side. He knows he has a few seconds with him before his opponent will strike again, so he takes the opportunity to look around him quickly.

Lucy and Erza are on his right, fighting three members of the dark guild they were sent to dismantle. It should have been simple. This was not their first time fighting like this, but the information they got turned out to be wrong— the guild being much more powerful than what they were supposed to be and now they were barely able to stand on their ground.

Natsu never loses faith in their team but he knows that if they don’t find a solution in the next few minutes, they won’t be able to return in Fairy Tail in one piece.

A block of ice to his left steals his attention, and his eyes fall on Gray and Wendy. They are only fighting one person but he knows by the frown on Wendy’s forehead, and the way that Gray is particularly focused on the man in front of him, that this is far from being an easy fight.

In other circumstances, Natsu would have made fun of Gray for it, getting him more riled up and he would have put an end to this battle.

But this is not a regular fight, and the way the ground suddenly grumbles under his feet only reminds him that he still has one to finish.

He jumps a few times, watching the way the earth is moving like waves, a few holes making their appearance occasionally. They are traps and he never know where they are going to appear but the Dragon Slayer makes a point to never stay too long in one place.

He doesn’t know what kind of power the others are fighting against, but if they are as powerful as the one he is dealing with, he understands why none of their fights is over yet.

“Let’s end this,” the man in front of him says.

And Natsu cannot agree more at the statement as his fists light with flames again. He is exhausted, his body hurts in a way he hasn’t felt since the war against his brother, but one thing is sure: he won’t lose. He won’t die.

Not like this.

*

Natsu coughs in his hand as he lets his body lean against the tree behind him. His fingers are tainted in red when he retreats his hand from his face. He can’t really focus on it though because his head is pounding, making his vision blurry. He takes a moment to close his eyes, trying to retake control over his shaking body, and when he feels steady enough, he opens them again, eyeing the body on the ground next to him. The guy is not dead but he’s definitely unconscious and Natsu is glad that he somehow managed to end this fight.

He withdraws his gaze from the male to look around him. Erza and Lucy are nowhere to be found, which is alarming. And despite the pain he is currently feeling, he finds himself somewhat standing without the help of the tree, ready to go find the girls.

He manages to make three trembling steps when he hears Wendy’s voice yelling. The force of it brings a shudder along his spine and when he finally turns to see what’s going on, he freezes.

Natsu isn’t sure if it’s because his head is hurting, but it feels like everything is suddenly in slow motion.

He sees the way Wendy’s body violently hits the ground before she stills, her hair falling on her face making it impossible for Natsu to know if her eyes are open or not.

He sees the way Gray makes a move towards their younger member, worry and fear taking over him.

He sees the way the man they were fighting smile, because, with that, Gray leaves his sides open for any attack.

He sees the way the same man makes two blades appear from his hands and the way he is making his way towards Gray. Gray who is very unaware of what is happening.

And the Dragon Slayer could have yelled for Gray’s attention. To warn him of the upcoming danger.

But instead, he finds himself moving. He doesn’t know from where he has managed to draw that remaining force. After all, his body is in a bad shape, so if he has to guess, he will say: fear made him move.

He already has one guildmate on the ground, unmoving, and two others missing. The last one standing has now his life threatened.

The very last one standing, who has shown him a whole life full of strange and new colours, is about to fall as well.

And Natsu isn’t ready for that. He doesn’t think he’ll ever be ready for it. Not when it’s about him, his little exception.

The movement he makes and the tantrum of his feet on the ground are what catches Gray’s attention. Natsu watches as his eyes widen at the sight in front of him. He watches as the Ice Mage stands up, stretches a hand towards him, as if this simple gesture can make a difference in what is about to happen. His mouth opens and although the dragon doesn’t hear him, he can distinguish his name coming out from the lips.

Natsu keeps his attention on the man though, and quickly he finds himself between the blades and Gray, acting as a shield.

He suddenly feels cold, the last of his fire going away with the body of the man he protected Gray from. Relief washes over him as the danger is finally put at bay. He’s ready to turn to Gray, to make sure that he is indeed okay but instead, he feels a harsh strain in his side and then his knees meet the ground. It’s at this moment, he sees one blade buried on his right side and the other in his shoulder.

Strangely enough, he doesn’t feel any pain. He can see the blood dripping out of his injuries and he is aware that the amount of it that he is losing should make him at least panic a little. But the exhaustion takes over it and he can’t bring himself to care about it.

There are warm fingers on his cheeks that make him lift his head slightly. His eyes meet Gray’s. The glint in them is dancing with so much fear that Natsu wants to make fun of him, but when he opens his mouth he coughs.

“Idiot-wh-what did- why did you do this?!” Gray panics as he moves to take some of Natsu’s weight on him.

Natsu doesn’t complain and lets himself completely melt into Gray’s arms.

“Y-you’re warm,” Natsu somehow manages to say. “And I-I feel c-cold.”

“Natsu,” there’s desperation in Gray’s voice.

“That’s fucked up,” Natsu finishes painfully which earns him a few more coughs.

He closes his eyes, hoping that it will help with his dizziness.

“Open your eyes, Natsu. You can’t fall asleep right now. Natsu, please, open them!”

He feels himself overcoming by a daze of fog. Everything around has started to quiet down.

Just a moment, he thinks, just a moment so he can compose himself.

But instead, he finds himself in the darkness, with the distant of Gray’s voice ringing in his head.

*

Well... Surprise ?

Thank you to my sweet, my rock, my magical little Fairy @watcher-ofthe-sky for your help with this one! You're ideas helped me a lot!

Also I might add another part to this piece of shit -as I fondly call this writing- if you are interrested in it !

*

@fuckyeahgratsu

[musingsfromalily]

American Beauty/American Psycho Lyric Starters (Warning, some NSFW)

Irresistible

“I just followed your scent, you can just follow my smile.”

“All of your flaws are aligned with this mood of mine.”

“You ought to keep me concealed just like I was a weapon.”

“I didn’t come for a fight, but I will fight till the end.”

“And this one might be a battle might not turn out okay.”

“And I love the way you hurt me.”

“It’s irresistible.”

“I’m gonna get you to burst just like you were a bubble.

“Frame me up on your wall just to keep me out of trouble.”

“Too many war wounds, but not enough wars.”

“Too many sharks, not enough blood in the waves.”

“You know I give my love a four letter name.”

“You’re second hand smoke.”

“I breath you in, but honey, I don’t know what you’re doing to me.”

“But the truth catches up with us eventually.”

“Try to say lie, live and let live.”

“I’m no good at lip service, except when they’re yours.”

“I’m coming for you, and I’m making war.”

American Beauty / American Psycho

“I think I fell in love again.”

“Maybe I just took too much cough medicine.”

“I’m the best worst thing that hasn’t happened to you yet.”

“You take a full truth, and you pour some out.”

“And you can kill me, or let God sort ‘em out.”

“I wish I dreamt in the shape of your mouth.”

“All those dirty thoughts of me, they were never yours to keep.”

“We’re the things that love destroys.”

“Us, we were only meant to make you live again.”

“Us, we were pity sex.”

Centuries

“Some legends are told, some turn to dust or to gold.”

“But you will remember me; remember me for centuries.”

“Just one mistake is all it will take.”

“We’ll go down in history.”

“No, it’s nothing wrong with me.”

“The kids are all wrong, the story’s all off.”

“Heavy metal broke my heart.”

“Come on, and let me in.”

“The bruises on your thighs like my fingertips.”

“And this is supposed to match the darkness that you felt.”

“I never meant for you to fix yourself.”

“And I can’t stop ‘til the whole world knows my name.”

“ ‘Cause I was only born inside my dreams.”

“As long as there’s a light, my shadow’s over you.”

“I am the opposite of amnesia.”

“And you’re a cherry blossom, you’re about to bloom.”

“You look so pretty, but you’re gone so soon.”

“We’ve been here forever, and here’s the frozen proof.”

“I could scream forever.”

The Kids Aren’t Alright

“Maybe I bit off more than I could chew.”

“Fall to your knees, bring on the rapture.”

“Blessed be the boys time can’t capture.”

“On film, or between the sheets.”

“I always fall from your window to the pitch black streets.”

“And in the end, I’d do it all again.”

“I think you’re my best friend.”

“Don’t you know that the kids aren’t alright?”

“I’ll be yours.”

“When it rains, it pours.”

“I’m not passive, but aggressive.”

“Take note, it’s not impressive.”

“Empty your sadness like you’re dumping your purse on my bedroom floor.”

“We put your curse in reverse.”

“And it’s our time now if you want it to be.”

“Maul the world like a carnival bear set free.”

“Your love is anemic.”

“I can’t believe that you couldn’t see it coming for me.”

“And I still feel that rush in my veins, twists my head just a bit too thin.”

“All those people in those old photographs I’ve seen are dead.”

“Sometimes I just wanna sit down and gaze at my shoes.”

“Let your dirty sadness fill me up just like a balloon.”

Uma Thurman

“I can move mountains.”

“I can work a miracle.”

“I’ll keep you like an oath, may nothing but death do us part.”

“Bury me ‘till I confess.”

“I can’t get you out of my head.”

“Divide me down to the smallest I can be.”

“Put your venom in me.”

“The blood of the lamb is worth two lions, but here I am.”

“I slept in last night’s clothes and tomorrow’s dreams, but they’re not quite what they seem.”

“You’ll find your way, and may death find you alive.”

“Take me down the line.”

“We turned the tide.”

Jet Pack Blues

“I’m the last one that you’ll ever remember.”

“I’m trying to find my peace of mind behind these two white highway lines.”

“When the city goes silent, the ringing in my ears gets violent.”

“She’s in a long black coat tonight, waiting for me in the downpour outside.”

“She’s singing ‘Baby, come home’ in a melody of tears while the rhythm of the rain keeps time.”

“I remember.”

“Baby, come home.”

“Did you ever love her, do you know?” “Or did you never want to be alone?”

“Fight off the lights tonight, and just stay with me.”

“Honey, don’t you leave.”

“Do you remember how we used to split a drink?”

“It never mattered what it was.”

“I think our heads were just that close.”

“The sweetness never lasts, you know.”

Novocaine

“This is a black ski mask song.”

“So put all of your anger on.”

“In the truly gruesome do we trust.”

“I will always land on you like a sucker punch.”

“I am your worst nightmare.”

“If you knew what the bluebirds sang at you, you would never sing along.”

“Cast them out cause this is our culture.”

“These new flocks are nothing but vultures.”

“They took our love, and they filled it up.”

“Now I’m just numb.”

“I don’t feel a thing for you.”

“I’m just a problem that doesn’t want to be solved.”

“So, could you please hold your applause.”

“I said one day this valley’s gonna swallow me whole.”

“I feel like a photo that’s been overexposed.”

Fourth of July

“It was the fourth of July.”

“You and I were fireworks that went off too soon.”

“And I miss you in the June gloom too.”

“I said I’d never miss, but I guess you never know.”

“May the bridges I have burned light my way back home.”

“I’ll be honest as you let me.”

“I miss your early morning company.”

“You are my favorite ‘what if’. “

“You are the best ‘I’ll never know.’ “

“I’m starting to forget what summer meant to you.”

“What did it ever mean to you?”

“Oh, I’m sorry--I didn’t mean any of it.”

“I just got too lonely.”

“In between being young and being right, you were my Versailles at night.”

“Again and again till I’m stuck in your head.”

“Had my doubts, but I let them out.”

“You are the drought, and I’m the holy water you have been without.”

“All my thoughts of you, they could heat or cool the room.”

“No, don’t tell me you cried. Oh, honey--You don’t have to lie.”

“I wish I’d known how much you loved me.”

“I wish I’d cared enough to know.”

“I’m sorry every song’s about you.”

Favorite Record

“Do you remember when we drove through the night?”

“We danced.”

“And I confessed to you, riding shotgun underneath the purple skies.

“We danced with the windows down.”

“You were the song stuck in my, every song that I’ve ever loved.”

“You can get what you want, but it’s never enough.”

“And I spin for you like your favorite records used to.”

“I can’t remember just how to forget the way we danced.”

Immortals

“They say we are what we are, but we don’t have to be.”

“I’m bad behavior, but I do it in the best way.”

“I’ll be the watcher of the eternal flame.”

“I’ll be the guard dog of all your fever dreams.”

“I am the sand in the bottom half of the hourglass.”

“I try to picture me without you; But I can’t.”

“We could be immortals, just not for long.”

“Live with me forever now.”

“You pull the blackout curtains down.”

“Sometimes the payoff for having any faith is when it’s tested again and again every day.”

“I’m still comparing your past to my future.”

“It might be your wound, but they’re my sutures.”

Twin Skeletons (Hotel in NYC)

“I don’t want to remember it all.”

“Hold on.”

“I just need enough of you to dull the pain.”

“ ‘Till we’re stripped down to our skeletons again.”

“ We’re saints just swimming in our sins again.”

“And there’s a jet black crow droning on and on.”

“Keep making trouble ‘till you find what you live.”

“I need a new partner in crime.”

“And you shrug.”

“A birth and a death on the same day.”

“I only appeared so I can fade away.”

“I wanna throw my hands in the air and scream.”

“I could just die laughing on your spiral of shame.”

“Hit it, never quit it.”

“I have been through the wreck.”

“I can string enough to show my face in the light again.”

[iicewitch]

✨ bleed magic

a playlist for @glitchedwitch​ link to playlist: here tracklist and favorite lyrics below:

1. poniko’s room [lights on] - yume nikki ost instrumental 2. distant past - everything everything Take me to the distant past, I want to go back Save me from the distant past, I wanna survive Canine fangs about my throat You're bleeding over Eden like a goat Tall blade dripping in every field I'm blooming like a fuming human shield 3. president heartbeat - everything everything Were you born in a cave now? Do you live in a cage now? If you burst into flame now Will they call you a human being? And your spine is a glass spire And your flesh is the concrete And your blood is the sewer And your skin is the city wall 4. orange caramel - catallena The small, dancing Catellena (Red Sun) Without knowing, I’m falling for you Chic and proud, Catallena (Red Sun) Jutti meri oye hoi hoi, I’m bewitched 5. wings - little mix Mama told me not to waste my life, She said spread your wings my little butterfly Don't let what they say keep you up at night And they can't detain you 'Cause wings are made to fly 6. eighth wonder - lemon demon Extra clever. Earthbound spirit. Ghost in the form, of a mongoose. And I have hands. And I have feet. I'll never die, I am a freak. Hello, I'm here, I'm living in the wall, I know I might be small, but I am a... Freak 7. the will of one - the protomen As I walk through the city streets These frightened people watching me pass There is an evil that holds them here Yet they won't try breaking its grasp But if I stay here with you Then I will leave them to their doom Do not say this is how it has to be You do no better than the fools of this burning city 8. father of death - the protomen What have I done? Though I did not pull the trigger, I built the gun That he holds in his hand Last night I dreamed I climbed to the top of a mountain of metal For miles I could see the destruction of man If the shadow blocks out the sun... there will be Light! If it stays 'till the sun is set... there will be Light! If the sun never shows its face again... there will be Light! No matter how dark the city gets... there will be... 9. i’m a hex girl - hex girls With this little cobweb potion You'll fall into dark devotion If you ever lose affection I can change your whole direction I'm a Hex Girl and I'm gonna put a spell on you I'm gonna put a spell on you 10. free - mother mother Love, let my anger Turn into peace Love, let the doves cry out in the streets Love, let the poison bleed out of me Love, let my love inside go free A bloody war Behind my eyes I come out right on the other side 11. the sticks - mother mother  I'll be gone for good Out there with the creatures in the woods And I'll be understood Make friends with the pagans in the nude I'll be no different Just a little less interested In all that new world shit 'Cause there ain't no new world in the sticks 12. infinitesimal - mother mother There's a million, billion, trillion stars but I'm down here low Fussin' over scars on my soul, on my soul, on my soul, on my soul On my soul, I am so infinitesimal, oh They say it started with a big bang But they say it was really just a small thing Strangely I'm feeling like a big bang 'Cause I've been making something out of nothing 13. burning pile - mother mother My mama, lonely maid Got her buns in the oven, and she never got laid My papa, renaissance man Sailed away and he never came back again All my troubles on a burning pile All lit up and I start to smile If I, catch fire then I change my aim Throw my troubles at the pearly gates 14. build god then we’ll talk - panic at the disco Raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains And a few more of your least favorite things 15. life is looking up - forgive durden Could this be the day I've waited for When all my hard work doesn't go ignored? Maybe she was right, the will realize I can change the world open us their eyes They know I am more than some eager blood Not some average bones, I believe in love I just want to prove I deserve this gift I will change the world, maybe this is it 16. bleed magic - idkhbtfm Crawling up your skin Potions pills and medicines To drain you And bleed your magic out 17. the oracles on the delphi express - the dear hunter You've been stuck in the middle of patience and animosity. With a lust for solidity, and a cryptic history, your luck's running thin. 18. chattering lack of common sense - GHOST Wait, what is going on here? I'm a little out of sorts I've been contemplating fallacies and things that scare me "Why not try to let go?" I've been feeling out of order I'm allowing change, so take a good look; This is me This is what I've come to be This is what I've come to be 19. daydream - j-hope  Wishing on a sky Wishing on a scar If there’s the sun I want to dream Wishing on a sky Wishing on a scar If there’s the moonlight I don’t want to wake up from it 20. witch flight - yume nikki OST instrumental 21. wiggle - cosmo sheldrake Hey ho, where did you go Did you wriggle or roll Did you giggle or grumble through Tom Thumb from where did you come Did you toggle or run Did you skip, trip, or stumble through 22. counting stars - one republic I’m old, but I'm not that old Young, but I'm not that bold And I don't think the world is sold I'm just doing what we're told Lately I been, I been losing sleep Dreaming about the things that we could be 23. urban caravan - fake type Because there’s a surely a bunch of fresh possibilities out there If I don’t try it out, ain’t that just a waste? In the end, it looks like the world is so wide that curiosity is inexhaustible There’s war songs but also songs of peace, The feelings remain just the same Keep your unwavering faith’s compass close to your heart 24. counting cards  - rainbow kitten surprise Jokes we tell to laugh, dear Laugh to hold back the pain Pain is in the mind, dear Stars are much the same Gone in the time it takes the light to reach In time you'll find We're blind to the things we don't believe Paint me red, paint me red Picture that, picture that Picture us and God shaking hands just because we can 25. god of marie - MASA This is our creed, aimed at a God that’s gone all floaty. We’re pure! We’re fans of Marie. We’re not doing anything wrong! Hm? Are you a fan of Marie, too? The stoned Reverend and his crazy worshippers Are surrounded by smoke in the cathedral The highest god has come down. We give thanks to ganja! 26. bad apple - nomico Will I exist in a place like this? Will I exist in a time like this? If someone like me can change, if I can change, will I turn white? Am I dreaming now? Or seeing nothing? My words are useless even if I speak I'm just tired of being sad, I should go on without feeling anything 27. my songs know what you did in the dark - fall out boy All the writers keep writing what they write Somewhere another pretty vein just dies I've got the scars from tomorrow and I wish you could see That you're the antidote to everything except for me 28. magia - kalafina If I can follow my path without wavering, I care not if my heart shatters. I wish I had a spell to stand against the sadness that's ever before my eyes Back when I loved books about wonderland where a captive sun shines, I believed the fairy tales that told me all my wishes would come true 29. immortals - fall out boy I'll be the watcher (watcher) of the eternal flame, I'll be the guard dog of all your fever dreams, Sometimes the only pay off for having any faith, Is when it's tested again and again everyday, 30. the last of the real ones - fall out boy 'Cause you're the last of a dying breed Write our names in the wet concrete I wonder if your therapist knows everything about me I'm here in search of your glory There's been a million before me 31. interweb - poppy And the world feels smaller When it's at my fingers So let's keep talking Tell me what day is it Can't turn it off yet, I'm wrapped up with it So let's keep talking Tell me what day is it I caught you in my interweb I caught you in my internet Well, maybe I'm a spider 32. armed and ready - casey lee williams Remember all too well My time of living hell The night my enemy would conquer But now I've been set free Lived through the tragedy You'll wish you'd killed me, now I'm stronger! Feel like I'm finally unbroken Oh, now I'm back from the dead Strength back, confidence growing Out of my way 'Cause I'm armed and ready (armed and ready) 33. red like roses part 2 - casey lee williams I couldn't take it, couldn't stand another minute Couldn't bear another day without you in it All of the joy that I had known for all my life Was stripped away from me the minute that you died I wanna tell you that you're all that ever mattered Want you to know that, for eternity, I'm shattered I tried so hard just to protect you, but I failed to And in a prison of abandonment I've jailed you 34. lapis lazuli - zach callison She wanted to leave this place And get herself back in space Lapis Lazuli You fled into the bottom of the sea Lapis Lazuli You were so mad but then you came around to me 35. unreasonable behavior - OFF ost instrumental 36. devil’s train - the lab rats Or I can be the bee in your bonnet, your best friend forever Two peas in a pod flockin' like birds of a feather And you never have a need to beg, work, or steal If all this sounds worth it then let's make a deal Sitting on the tracks waiting for the night train Looking down the road, ain't never gonna go back Listen for the whistle through the wind and raindrop Who's gonna ride the devil's train tonight? 37. the room where it happens - leslie odom jr No one really knows how the Parties get to yesssss (Parties get to yesssss) The pieces that are sacrificed in (Ev’ry game of chesssss) Ev’ry game of chesssss We just assume that it happens (Assume that it happens) But no one else is in (The room where it happens) The room where it happens We want our leaders to save the day— But we don’t get a say in what they trade away We dream of a brand new start— But we dream in the dark for the most part Dark as a tomb where it happens 38. the perfect fit - dresden dolls I used to be the bright one Smart as a whip Funny how you slip so far when Teachers don't keep track of it Can't you just fix it for me? It's gone berserk Fuck, I'll give you anything If you can make the damn thing work 39. million years - nico vega You better learn from a man who's afraid to dance With a witch like me, and a wicked trance, 'cause A spider bite is a natural wound, but a dagger in the back is a plastic tomb Ain't nobody knows the trouble I've seen, but they know the sound of their own damn scream, well Lady bug! Bring me news, or a soul so rich and a crystal pool Let it burn, let it burn, singing songs of truth 40. i want you - savage garden Anytime I need to see your face I just close my eyes And I am taken to a place Where your crystal mind and magenta feelings Take up shelter in the base of my spine 41. pursuing my true self - shihoko hirata Loading loading loading Quickly reaching maximum capacity Warning warning warning Gonna short circuit my identity We are living our lives Abound with so much information 42. backside of the tv - persona 4 ost Lost destiny Far outcry They hear you no more Numb feeling Whole dizziness Deep scars No pain No sanity Body aching Control your own fate Invisible Real enemy Bring your mind Deep Down A moment of truth, tell me what's really happening Their rhyme is nothing but you've got everything Bro, you've got everything but you don't know anything 43. rivers in the desert - shoji meguro A river in a dry land The last ace in a lost hand When the hope of new beginnings burned our feet Now we need it: A heartbeat for a tin man An oasis in a singed land Remind us what we're here for: Creating new life Creating rivers in the desert 44. again - yui I'm wanting to scream that we're living to make our wish come true can you hear it? We won't be able to take it safe, because we have no place to go back to I'm always grateful for your kindness, that's why I want to be strong I'll welcome friend or foe for the sake of moving forward You still have too long a life left to erase these feelings completely, don't you think? I want to redo the things I left undone, So let's go, one more time! 45. komm susser todd - arianne It all returns to nothing, it just keeps Tumbling down Tumbling down Tumbling down It all returns to nothing, I just keep Letting me down Letting me down Letting me down 46. the spider and the lamps - forgive durden I'm the Spider, Crawl inside her! They don't understand, This is their last chance, No more idle hands, I'll destroy the lamps, Then they'll know, Whose in control. 47. here comes a thought - estelle and aj michalka You're losing sight You're losing touch All these little things seem to matter so much That they confuse you That I might lose you And it was just a thought, just a thought, just a thought, just a thought, just a thought It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay We can watch, we can watch, we can watch, we can watch them go by From here, from here, from here 48. black paper moon - tommy heavenly6 Don't be scared of the pumpkin carriage the witch drew Cuz it can show in your eyes A symbol rises to the top on the card I dropped in the sweet crimson jam Your destiny - if you wish Any sort of world Can be yours 49. to zanarkand - ffx ost instrumental 50. poniko’s room [lights off] - yume nikki instrumental

[crqstalite]

pt. 1, crossfire (vector && rubiksi)

this one didn’t go as well as it should because originally i was going to write it as a 10k word chapter for all nine months, but i didn’t happen so i guess we’re gonna wait again for the writing fairy to whack me over the head again.

anyways psa i love mr bug man and you should too.

written: 9.20.19. word count: 2,419.

════ ⋆★⋆ ════ character song: crossfire, stephen.

character file: khelan hyllus & vector hyllus.

-

1 month.

rubi-no, khelan now, isn't sure what to think anymore, as she stares out the window of her apartment. all she wants to do is lie down and cry, and she's not sure what's causing it anymore. after all these years, all her tears should be dried up now. they should be, but for some reason it seems like every day a new situation arises, and she isn't emotionally ready to deal with it. picking up the holophoto on her night stand, she tries not to cry as she analyzes the photo taken on their wedding day. the way she'd faked a smile in a white dress and vector in a diplomatic uniform until she could return to the phantom to be alone for a while with her emotions. it should've been a happy day.

but it wasn't. why couldn't she just be happy for once? and stop thinking about marring the skin beneath her sweater sleeves, about finally leaving this world for good? possibly it's because of the pale lines that still dot her wrists, and the fact that the ring on her finger feels heavy with pity everytime she slips it on.

"khelan?" a voice startles her from her thoughts as she places it back gently next to the chrono, where it always sits.

"yes, vector?" she asks, turning from the window as the joiner enters the bedroom. he's dressed down today, and he smells of sweets. the man had taken up baking since they'd moved in together, saying something about finally being able to please her properly with his cooking. it's delectable, as is to be expected. (he spent months learning from two-vee in secret before presenting her with an exquisite cake for her birthday. possibly the hive has been giving him recipes, and though she knows they can't read minds, he always seems to know what she has a taste for) "is there something wrong?"

"you didn't come to eat dinner." he responds, curiously cocking his head, as a child would. his dark hair plays peek-a-boo with his pupiless eyes, and she offers him a smile as he brushes it out of his vision, coming to stand next to her by the floor-length window, the cool sky reflecting onto his pale skin, "we were worried."

"i'm just fine, vector. do not worry yourself with the likes of me." she responds, inhaling his scent as he moves to put his arms around her. there's a significant between the joiner and prior agent, but she feels safe as she buries her head in his chest. safety isn't ever guranteed for her, and she's glad that she took the leap of faith to finally say yes to him. he was never persistent, he gave her the space she needed to recuperate from the life she'd once lived. he leans his head against the top of hers, and she closes her eyes to relax for just a moment. he smells of the rain, but also of the forest and a sharp smell of something spicy she just can not name. she wouldn't trade her husband for the world. "i will come to eat in a bit."

"if you are not hungry, we can put away the food for another time, ru..khelan." he corrects himself as she frowns, pulling her hair back into a low ponytail at the base of her neck. he's not used to her new alias either, and it's as if he can sense it bothers her. her aura must be out of whack again as a questioning look covers his features (she'd never understand how vector saw her, though he'd tried to explain it a few times with little success). "we are sorry if we've troubled you. which do you prefer?"

she considers for a moment before following him out of their bedroom. "i wish i did not have a name at times like these, vector. it makes everything so much more difficult. i don't even have my own identity that wasn't cultivated by intelligence."

he simply listens as she walks into the kitchen, pacing back and forth as the thoughts fly through her mind at breakneck speed. she's never been more grateful for him as she thinks to herself, and he simply continues to prepare dinner alongside her. it isn't until they've sat down across from each other that she responds to his question, "the ensign once told me on my official records, my name is ana'la. would you like to call me that, vector?"

"we would be happy to call you whatever you prefer, ana'la. names are not everything." he says, picking up his own cutlery as he tries to comfort her, "all that matters, is that we love each other."

she seems surprised for just a moment before looking down at her own plate with a certain satisfaction in her eyes. "thank you, vector."

"we are happy to be with you, ana'la." he responds, though instead of indirectly looking at her (as he typically does), he finds that her aura is rather odd. it's color remains the same, an indistinct grey tinged with red and pink, as it typically is when they spend time together, but something is making it white. he won't prod into how she's feeling at the moment, but he is curious. what has his wife feeling such a way?

-

month 3.

khelen didn't tend to ever eat much as it was, but this was getting a bit ridiculous, even for her. the odd way how she couldn't ever hold anything down, even her most favorite delicacies from vector. water was the only thing that would stay down, and she was beginning to have an aversion to even the most pleasant smells.

she was concerned she was going mad. maybe the workaholic lifestyle and done something unspeakable to her, and now she was feeling the after effects? she tried to keep a myriad of other other fragrances about the apartment to keep the feeling of retching out of her mind. it proved difficult, and she eventually threw quite a few away after realizing that vector's enhanced senses were most likely going absolutely bonkers with the strong smells. it seemed the smell of the constant kaasian rain was the only thing that would soothe her, and so that lead to the couple's apartment windows being open a portion of the time.

to say the least, it was still annoying to be so absolutely sick that she didn't want to continue getting out of bed half the time. she was considering holoing lokin at this point, and she rarely if ever contacted her old crew, vector excepted. kaliyo was somewhere in the underbellies of dromound kaas after she dropped out of contact, temple returned to serving the ascendancy and the empire, SCORPIO could be doing something highly illegal, and lokin was always going back and forth between morally questionable medical conferences. she always kept tabs on them, even if it didn't benefit her directly. she still cared about their well-being, even if they didn't.

but being bed-ridden didn't fancy her. at all. the nightmares plagued her, being controlled by watcher x again and again, by the sis. keeping busy, even working on the side for intelligence is what kept her mostly sane. her obvious health issues kept her out of the field for a long while, but once this spell passed, she'd try and begin working in diplomatic services with vector. maybe they wouldn't see each other as much anymore, but it was better than being home alone.

wrapped up in one of vector's jackets, she usually sleeps or reads until he returns home. her current holonovel was just wrapping up, so she'd have to go and buy another soon. with nothing better to do, she might as well train her mind in puzzles and literature while in this state. she'd been slacking lately, and there was no way intelligence would take her back without the required skills.

the door opens just as she's sitting up from her perch on the bed, brushing her hair back as she tries to keep her meager breakfast down. vector must've been back early today. padding out the bedroom, she finds him just taking off his overcoat and hanging it on one of the nobs near the door. she offers him a smile, and he returns it. "you're back early, vector. is something wrong?"

"there is nothing wrong, ana'la." he responds softly, a kiss pressed to her forehead as he puts down his bad. "we were let go early today. we wished to see you again, we were concerned you were ill."

"i'll be fine, vector." she responds, trying to choke back the bile building up in her throat again as she covers her mouth with the sleeve of her shirt. "i've been sick before, and survived worse."

he doesn't respond, but frowns in disbelief. khelan would know this, after knowing him for so long. he often doesn't try to hide his facial features and the emotions tied to them, and she knows good and well he doesn't believe her. "i've been resting lately, if that makes you feel any better." she says, trying to comfort him. speaking isn't helping either, and the feverish feeling she gets before inevitably tossing her last meal is beginning to creep back into her system. "it's most likely just a harmless virus."

"your aura is...different." vector makes note, and she figures he isn't looking directly at her anymore. what does it typically look like? she'd never understood how her husband saw her through his lens, and she wondered if there was some sort of chart she could find somewhere on joiner's and their auras.

"i'm sure it is, doesn't sickness affect it as well?" khelan tilts her head just a bit, and brushes the hair out of her face as he seems to contemplate it, pacing into the kitchen. is he upset? sometimes he bakes when he's feeling upset (she wouldn't exactly complain, they were still very good, but it does concern her when he does). "vector, talk to me. is there something wrong?"

"your aura is, special. we are unsure of why." he says pointedly. "white represents that of purity, and childish natures. we don't believe you radiate much of either."

she decides not to comment here, as he most likely has more to say, "we don't wish to worry you or plant the seeds of doubt in your mind, ana'la."

"do you believe there is something wrong, vector? do you believe that's why i feel ill?" khelan still isn't catching onto what he's saying, or if he's trying to imply something to her. he continues to pace into the living room as she hurries to follow him before he pauses abruptly, "whatever it is, i'm sure we can face it together." she whispers, though she isn't sure this is that's the best answer. what if she's dying? what if her life is ending, and there's nothing they can do to stop it?

he seems unsure of himself before finally turning fully to her, "we've only seen this aura a few times in our life. but, we believe you are with child, ana'la."

something stops functioning properly as she tries to soak in what he's admitting to assuming. child? as in, she'd be a mother in a few, short months should she allow it to continue? how? and when? they had always been careful, and rarely if ever made love to each other as it was. how did this happen? why?

could she be a mother? a functional one at least? visions of the fire blare through her mind, as her adoptive father yanked her older brother away and her older sister tried to protect her the best she could from the dangerous situation. would her child end up in such a situation, khelan unable to protect them from something lethal?

"this is all speculation, ana'la." he breaks her train of thought to tilt her head upwards from where she'd been staring at her hands. "it could be nothing, for all we know. do not panic yourself over the unknown."

it would explain the sudden onset of these horrid symptoms for the last two moments. the vomiting, the unexplainable aversion to her favorite foods. she'd heard about it a few times around the agents she'd met that were now off the field and happy with children, but had never expected it would happen to her. she and vector had never spoken at length about it, ever. it was just a subject that never fascinated her to any end, and so it didn't matter.

or she could be dying. that's a possibility too. one she'd rather not think about at that moment, though it itches at the back of her mind. "possibly you're right, vector."

"do you believe so?" he asks, his face still contorted into that of concern and confusion. "we would believe you would be the first to deny such a thing."

"it makes sense, to say the least." she responds, wringing her hands out as the thunder crashes over her words and thoughts, "this may not be our most ideal situation."

"maybe not." he answers, still seeming uneasy. "at least your child will still grow up here instead of a battleground. they will have a loving mother, and pick up your own admirable traits." she turns an eyebrow up as he continues on, "intelligent, clever, compassionate. beautiful. we have high hopes for your child, ana'la."

"i...yes. thank you vector." he seems satisfied with her answer, and presses a kiss to her forehead to reassure her, her cheeks heated as he makes the observation. still after all these years, he's still able to stun her with his way with words.

she pauses to think for just a moment, before responding with what was on her mind while he spoke, "it seems you forget i've never been with another man though. this is your child, as much as they are mine."

he smiles for once in the entire encounter, and surprises her by picking up around the waist. she holds back a shriek as he smiles, as her own legs latch around his waist to keep from falling. "we do not believe you understand how happy that makes us, ana'la."

"i can make some guesses." she responds, managing a grin for her husband as he kisses her softly in the light of fading day outside.

[rabbiteclair]

So, a whole lot of notes on Flatscreen. This is, like, halfway my attempt to analyze what I was doing for myself, so I can't guarantee they'll be informative or interesting to anyone else, but hey. It should go without saying that there are tons of spoilers in here.

Mysteries And Stuff

I guess the big thing on my end was that I deliberately went out of my way to avoid establishing a definite answer about What's Actually Going On with big facets of the story. Like, I didn't come up with them at all. Some of them don't strictly need answers. Some of them I felt were best left mysteries. Overall, though, subjectivity was kinda a theme for the story as a whole, so it felt appropriate to leave as much as possible open to interpretation. Most of these have apparent explanations within the story that work, because I still wanted a coherent narrative, but here's a short list of things I deliberately kept a bit vague: Does Gensokyo exist in this timeline? Compare the list of occult goodies Renko inherited from Sumireko in Flatscreen:

There are a handful of keepsakes, passed down from your grandma, that have managed to keep your faith in the supernatural alive. A photo of a gate in the Netherworld, with cherry blossoms on one side and a mundane graveyard on the other. A series of videos from her long-archived blog where she's bending spoons and levitating balls with her mind. A rock she brought back from 'some pyramid or another' that does, in fact, sharpen any razors you leave near it.

to Eyes in the Dark:

It had been a large box full of stuff, and practically the only mundane thing in it was a pack of Zener cards.

There was also a photo of a gate in the Netherworld, with cherry blossoms on one side and a mundane graveyard on the other. I know it's the Netherworld, because Maribel and I investigated it once. (Case File #6) There was a series of selfies that my grandma had taken with people she swore were youkai. (A few of them did have remarkably realistic costumes if not.) A recording of an unearthly song that did strange things to the listener's mood, that was supposedly from a youkai night sparrow. A heavily-warded jar with what could only be a ghost of some sort bound inside.

Flatscreen Renko... really didn't get anything impressive, apart from maybe the Netherworld photo from Ghostly Field Club. Maybe Sumireko just didn't leave her much--Renko doesn't really seem to know anything substantial about Gensokyo in the canon stories, after all. Maybe the Sealing Club stories are an alternative timeline from the main Touhou canon, and Maribel is traveling between worlds when she visits Gensokyo (we already know she's ended up in current-Gensokyo's past before, so it wouldn't really be much weirder.) Plus, Fantasy wasn't in very good state when Renko visited it. I think that's probably the case either way--Gensokyo would be a pretty crowded place if every single forgotten god, myth, or youkai ended up there. But, you can definitely point to it as evidence that Gensokyo isn't out there making things better, if you want. Is Renko the real Renko? What even counts as 'real' in this particular case? Whether or not this all happens in the same world or timeline as Gensokyo, Renko might not be The Renko that Maribel remembers. She raises the possibility herself in chapter 3--she has a past that she remembers, with no Maribel in it. It's entirely possible that by erasing Maribel, the monster changed the past and made a new timeline with a whole new Renko. Or maybe she's from a pre-existing timeline and was out there all along. Or, hell, if we're considering alternative timelines anyway, maybe this isn't the same Renko or Maribel from the Sealing Club stories. Or maybe Maribel is right, it's all one tidy timeline, and the monster didn't do much except alter some of Renko's memories. I did kinda wimp out on this one a little, by letting Renko regain memories of Maribel. It undermines some of these possibilities, but I couldn't stand the thought of having Renko go through all of that and only remember a single week with her. What is the monster? I really wanted Renko to make some kind of Black Hole Information Paradox comparison here, but never found a way to shoehorn it in. Regardless, it kinda fits. Whether the monster was a god, or a youkai, or whatever, almost by definition, there's no way of knowing what it used to be. All that information was lost when it got completely forgotten. Or maybe Maribel's theory is completely wrong, and these things aren't gods. She was guessing on pretty thin evidence. Renko thought she saw claws on some of them, and the main monster had some kind of weird features at times too. Stealing existence might be a bit much for an undead myth. If you want to interpret it as some kind of minor elder horror or an especially unstylish Excrucian or something, it doesn't change much about the story except maybe some of the implications. This is part of the reason I avoided giving it a name. The other half was for horror purposes--having Renko give it a snappy nickname like she did in Eyes in the Dark would make it feel a little less scary, I think. For what it's worth, in my notes, I referred to it as the Static.

History and connection with Eyes in the Dark

I really gave most of the relevant bits in the notes at the beginning of the story on AO3. The short version is, the story didn't originally have a monster, and when I decided to add one, a few rounds of expansion later, I had the outline for Eyes in the Dark. There are a few tracts of text that I originally copied over verbatim, and any differences in the section between the two stories evolved over time. The stuff about fake fish is one of them. Renko's big list of stuff Sumireko left for her is another. The monster from Flatscreen is fairly similar to the first iteration of what became the Watcher. When I went to add monster(s) to the first partial draft of Flatscreen, I thought it would be best if it was something that could threaten Maribel, even with her TV-dwelling nature, so a TV-filling monster was one of my first ideas. Obviously the monsters in both stories evolved quite a bit from that point, so it'd be incorrect to say that it's an earlier evolution of the Watcher. This is probably why both stories pretty heavily revolve around televisions, though. The lack of a monster to add some opposition was one of the two things that made me shelve the first draft of Flatscreen.

The other one was the lack of an ending. 'And then Maribel became Yukari' is practically a stock ending for Sealing Club stories, but somehow it didn't occur to me for about two and a half years.

Chapters 1-3 are pretty similar to what the original draft had, minus the monster. In the original draft, Maribel’s plan was to take Renko on a tour of various places they’d visited together, to try jogging her memory, which might hopefully help Maribel become real again. The plan was for Renko to get more and more absorbed in the fantasy world with Maribel in it, while Maribel just kept getting weaker and weaker. Eventually, Maribel would get too weak to even show up outside of Renko’s dreams, and Renko would decide it was better to float off into nonexistence with her than stick around on Earth alone.

... this was the plan for about thirty seconds before I realized it kinda sucks, at least. The lack of a satisfying ending was the main thing that made me drop the story and move on to other ideas.

Yukari!!!

Anybody who’s talked to me on the topic much (this is a list that has like two people on it, so in retrospect this was a bad way to introduce this paragraph) knows that I’m actually not all that fond of ‘Yukari is older Maribel’ as an interpretation of their relationship, in general. For one thing, whenever canon has a big open question and everyone just kind of decides it has to be answered the same way, I wanna go the opposite direction just to spite them. (See also: the idea of the previous shrine maiden being Reimu’s mom.) For another, I feel like it produces a lot of kinda crappy stories. I’ve read a ton of doujin and stuff where Maribel isn’t a character, she’s a macguffin for Renko to chase after, or a placeholder to stand around until Yukari pops up.

... but it isn’t an inherently bad idea, so I was able to convince myself to end the story like this after a while.

If I had to guess (and I do, since it’s another thing where I didn’t come up with a strict Objectively True Answer), it was just kinda the first step. That talk she gave about ending up somewhere else eventually was pretty open-ended. It definitely made her a bit weirder and more... eldritch. Probably, she drifted around in there for a while, ended up way in the past, and came back to find Renko again once she was able to. Could’ve been decades or centuries on her end.

I did definitely mean to drop some hints about how this all led to her becoming Yukari, though. Between the abandoned tanuki house and the really horrible state of Fantasy in the last chapter, it isn’t hard to see where she might get interested in something like Gensokyo. She’s literally playing around with the boundary between fantasy and reality before the story starts. And her walled-off fantasy bubble in the last chapter is basically a mini-Gensokyo, if you wanna think about it that way.

... I think that’s all the stuff I intended to cover? If I missed anything, feel free to shoot me a question, I guess.

[ettadunham]

A Buffy rewatch 3x22 Graduation Day Part 2

aka miles to go before Buffy can sleep

Welcome to this dailyish text post series where I will rewatch an episode of Buffy and rant about it in 10-3k words. What you can expect: long run-on sentences and disjointed observations, often focused on one tiny detail about the episode. What you shouldn’t be expecting: actual reviews that make sense.

And I take it as a sign of me getting older that this episode gets me almost as emotional as Becoming Part 2 these days. They’ve come so far!!! And they’ll go so much further yet!!!

Like, no one tell s1 Willow that she’s gonna roll into her own graduation 5 minutes late with sex hair. She’d have a heart attack.

It’s true though. The Mayor’s speech actually got to me. As the camera panned to all these characters I loved I not only remembered how they changed since their first appearance on the show, but how they will continue changing throughout the series. It really is a hell of a journey for all.

The nostalgia of Graduation Day Part 2 doesn’t really hit you in the head. I don’t think the characters actually have any lines reminding the audience of where they started, but that’s kinda what I like about it. We, the audience, remember, and that’s what matters.

Another subtle thing that I discovered about the episode was the score. It doesn’t have those super memorable notes as The Gift, but that’s why it managed to surprise me here. It adds extra weight to scenes, like the opening with Buffy, as she stands at the rooftop, contemplating what she’s done to Faith.

I also loved the detail of her leaving the knife there. even though I believe that we could’ve done more with that storyline. For part of the episode, Buffy actually believes that she killed Faith. I love how SMG plays that opening, and I understand that Buffy’s still processing that information by the time it’s revealed that Faith survived, but that’s some heavy shit, man. We could’ve explored that.

Still, the scene that I want to spend more time with is definitely the Buffy/Faith coma dream.

I already talked about this, especially with Surprise, but I love the dream sequences on this show. Partially because I love a good puzzle, and Buffy dreams provide an excellent blend of the prophetic and subconscious kind.

The first thing anyone who starts looking up Buffy foreshadowing will stumble onto, is the line “Miles to go, Little Miss Muffet counting down from 7-3-0″. Which is a reference to the 730 days aka two seasons Buffy has left until her death in The Gift.

And that kind of blew my mind when I first read about it (especially with the Restless callback), but this time around, I also took a moment to appreciate how the “Miles to go...” part references Buffy’s “sleep” (”Miles to go before I sleep”) - which now she has to wake up from, as she’s still got those 730 days before she could rest. (To drive it even more home, Buffy keeps repeating at the end of the episode how she’d just like to sleep now, thank you very much.)

There’s also the cat. Which is a she, and mostly symbolizes Faith herself, especially as it fades to her for a moment.

Buffy:  Who's going to look after him? Faith:  It's a she. And aren't these things supposed to take care of themselves? Buffy: A higher power guiding us? Faith: I’m pretty sure that’s not what I meant.

The last part is a bit of an insight into the show’s (and Whedon’s, lbr) stance on religion, and yet the Powers That Be will still be a major player over on Angel the series? The Buffyverse has an intriguing relationship with these ideas, that’s for sure.

But in the context of Faith, it’s a reaffirmation that she always had to look out and take care of herself, because no one’s done that for her. Not her mother, not the Watchers, and not even Buffy in the end. And certainly not some higher power...

A cat will also appear in Restless, but that will be Tara and Willow’s kitty - a different and much younger cat. One that’s much less jaded and is actually taken care of. (Except in season 6 I guess??? I have questions about who’[s feeding that cat during that time.)

Given the foreshadowing we get when we sort of revisit this dream in This Year’s Girl, I guess one could also interpret the cat as a Dawn reference? Maybe a stretch, but one that we could certainly run with as well.

I also wanted to talk a bit about the This Year’s Girl dream in general, because it’s fascinating how this scenario appears in Buffy’s and Faith’s respective minds. I definitely get the sense that there’s a connection and a shared consciousness happening in this dream... But Slayer dreams are still happening inside the head of the person dreaming them. That’s why Buffy’s prophetic dreams in Surprise are full of her own anxieties, and why Drusilla plays Buffy’s role in them as Angel’s doom. It’s how Buffy’s mind interpreted the message received.

Similarly, in Faith’s mind Buffy will be reduced to the role of the villain in those dreams. Even though as we’ll later find out, Faith sees herself as the villain, more than anything, and she’s projecting that onto Buffy in the dream.

That’s not to say that there aren’t more layers still - Buffy did stab and almost killed Faith in the name of saving Angel after all - but I like to think that the Faith Buffy sees in her dream contains some of the essence of the real Faith, despite what we’ll see of Faith’s dreams later on.

The clutter in Faith’s apartment in the dream not so subtly symbolizing Faith’s own mind is an interesting touch to that. Although her line about all the new things in her head feels like something that relates more to Buffy.

Faith:  Sorry, it’s my head. A lot of new stuff.

It’s Buffy who’ll take and learn whatever she needs from Faith as she wakes up. Faith herself will be trapped in her own mind for almost a year.

Buffy: I can’t use all of this! Faith:  Just take what you need.

Probably one of the best dream sequences, ngl.

Graduation Day Part 2 really is a great season finale, and a perfect end to an era in the show’s history. So... I’m not even gonna try and go over all of that.

One thing though... I kept mentioning how Larry will die in this episode, but you know what? He’s not dead. He just got knocked out. He’s fine. He was at Pride with the Scoobies this year, I saw him, it’s true.

They all survived high school. It’s fine.

[coraniaid]

People who feel sorry for Faith in Season 3 -- a group which certainly includes me, by the way -- sometimes suggest that Buffy should have done more for her. Faith was a traumatized teenage girl, the argument goes, she'd arrived in Sunnydale afraid for her life after seeing her Watcher die in front of her eyes, she didn't have anybody else to turn to or anywhere to stay or anyone to teach her about how to be a better Slayer.

And the rebuttal to that, by people who don't agree that Buffy had any such obligation -- a group which also includes me, for the record -- is that ... well, it's really silly? Buffy is herself also a traumatized young woman. She's just come back from some of the worst months of her life, a life she's only now slowly starting to rebuild from almost rock bottom. Yes, of course, Faith needed help; yes, objectively Faith's life is in many ways harder than Buffy's. But it's asking far too much of Buffy -- and letting everyone else in Faith's life off the hook far too easily -- to expect her to take on the role of Faith's primary caregiver. Giles should have done more, or the Council should have bothered to send Faith a new Watcher of her own far sooner. They shouldn't have just delegated that to Buffy herself. No matter how hard Buffy had tried, she was never the one who should have had that responsibility thrust upon her.

And then we get to Season 7, and the Potentials, and ... well. The first time as tragedy, I guess.

Once again, Buffy is just coming back from some of the worst months or her life and trying to rebuild after rock bottom. But this time around it's almost like the show decides to adopt the fan position I criticised earlier. As if it's saying to us: "Okay, Buffy is no longer a mere high school senior worrying about getting into college! She's now a certified college dropout, with a recently dead mother and exciting new bills to pay and a kid sister she didn't have to worry about before. And don't forget that she's a whopping four years older than she was in Season 3. Now it is surely perfectly reasonable for her to have to look after a dozen or more little Faith Lehanes, all of them hurt and scared and angry. Some of them have dead Watchers and some of them never seen a vampire before and all of them are going to die soon, painfully, unless Buffy can do something about it."

I said earlier that Buffy does a pretty terrible job leading the Potentials -- at least before Chosen -- and I think that's fair. She does do a pretty bad job. But I also think that ... well, duh, of course she did a bad job. What kind of idiot would expect her to do more?

She was always going to do terribly, because she was being asked to do something almost impossible with no warning or training or preparation. Buffy isn't a general. This isn't one of her strengths. She works best alone, or in small groups of people she already knows well and can rely on without having to win over. Yes, Buffy has helped organize large groups of people before -- the hell dimension prison break in Anne, the fight against the Mayor in Graduation Day -- but these are exceptions rather than the norm. She also doesn't have any experience in the proper way to train a Potential Slayer, because she's never done it before and she never received any such training herself before getting her Slayer powers.

And the show has always told us that Buffy usually struggles to connect to new people quickly. Her social circle, years after graduation, is entirely made up of either people she met in her sophomore year of high school or people who are either currently dating or used to date people she met in her sophomore year of high school. it's a running joke in Season 6 that she doesn't know the last names of any of her coworkers.

She does better when she can delegate to other people, which is what she actually does in the two examples I gave before (it's Lily/Anne who Buffy puts in charge of getting the other kids out of hell in Anne; it's Xander who she puts in charge of organizing the other kids in the battle against the Mayor). Buffy was -- very slowly, very carefully -- teaching Dawn how to (avoid having to) fight vampires at the beginning of the season. Dawn is the very first person she's ever tried to teach this sort of thing to! Now she has to teach a houseful of girls she doesn't even know, all while keeping them safe from an ancient evil entity and its horde of demonic cultists and taking care of her sister and having a job and carrying out her usual duties as a Slayer. Of course she's going to find that really, really hard.

There are things I think Buffy can and should have done differently. Off the top of my head: nobody in the house should ever have been sleeping alone; they should have adopted some sort of handshake/hug greeting protocol so you'd always know that you were talking to a real person and not the First; Buffy should have recognized that Kennedy (and some of the other older Potentials, maybe?) actually knew more about teaching scared fifteen year olds with no powers than she did and [more formally] delegated training responsibilities to them and had regular catch-ups with them (both because this makes practical sense and because winning over the loyalty of a handful of older girls, the ones most likely to be the focus of any mutiny or protest, is much easier than trying to approach all the Potentials as a single uniform mass); she should have socialized a little with, if not all the Potentials, at least that older and more responsible subset who she needed to stay motivated and onside; she probably should have forced herself to very obviously know all the girls' names and one or two facts about them; she probably shouldn't have told them all that their friend killed herself because she was weak and scared and stupid and so were they. And so on.

But the biggest issue here is that ... Buffy shouldn't ever have been asked to do this! Not by anyone who knew her, or who cared about her well-being.

Again, if this is the point of Season 7 I think it makes some sort of sense, at least from a Doyleist perspective. I think the show actually has (maybe unintentionally), laid the groundwork for this being kind of a weakness of Buffy's. Again, the execution is a little sloppy, but whatever. There's something like a narrative arc there, at least in potential.

But from a Watsonian perspective, and without wanting to be (too obviously) a hater ... isn't this just another abrogation of duty on Giles's part? He is (as far as we know) still a paid Watcher right up to the point the Council building explodes! Looking after the Potentials is literally his job! He explicitly tells us in Bring On The Night that the prospect of somebody going after the Potentials like this is something that the Council "always feared" might happen. And so naturally when it does he decides to ... make it Buffy's problem. Why is she the one who suddenly has to worry about training the Potentials and teaching them how to fight vampires and keeping them safe when, of the two of them, he is the one actually qualified to do it?

(Yeah, I know, it's because the writing of Season 7 isn't even close to good and requires the characters to contort themselves through strange hoops to match the very specific story beats the writers have decided on. But also ... well, giving up and placing all the pressure on Buffy to look after a dozen-odd little Faith Lehanes is actually pretty much in keeping with how Giles ended up dealing with the original Faith Lehane, if you think about it. And he asked the Council to be given the chance to take care of her, too. So maybe this is more in character than I'd like to admit.)

[overthinkingfeathers]

I have not done a Pillars of Eternity update in a while, though I’m still playing consistently. I am now some unknown number of hours in (at least 30, but given my tendency to leave games alt tabbed, I can’t say how much more than that), and a lot has happened. Specifically: 

Defiance Bay is on fire.

This was minorly spoiled by the friend who has played before who I am making look up questions I have. The point is that he will not be spoiled, having already done this and also not caring, but this has not proven super effective. 

I got Pallegina. She is perfect. 

I am, for the first time, somewhat glad this game doesn’t have romances, or else it would be ME3 all over again where I’d be halfway through one romance before wanting to do another. 

I’m just joking, I would kill for romances. 

That being said, I totally forgot to take her to Twin Elms, so uh, clearly I’m not the most considerate. 

I need to be able to take all of companions everywhere, thanks. I know melee already has a pathing issue, but I’ll make do. 

Also, I’m glad for a game that has so many prompts for my Watcher being Godlike (everything from a random brothel flirt to main quests), there’s none for talking to the other Godlike. Who happens to be from the same country. 

I’ve been in Twin Elms for like 30 seconds and already have conflicting kill people quests. Amazing. 

‘We don’t let outsiders in our sacred places, except under very special circumstances. Tread carefully.’ Enter sacred places. ‘Kill this very important clan leader without a clear line of succession.’ 

Don’t get me wrong, he’s a dick, but uh, this doesn’t feel like the most becoming outsider behavior. 

Like, you can just outright attack him in his tent? I don’t know what happens if you kill him that way, because it is Hard and I am lazy, but still. 

You get the lazy route poison from a botanist by saying your friend’s giant scary pet is dying. It’s not even a deception check. A m a z i n g. 

I am thankful for this semi-amusing questline, because the rest of Twin Elms is dark as fuck. 

You’re going to fracture into a million pieces and lose your mind. This is inevitable. 

Unless you can get the bad guy to tell you secrets. 

Which he won’t. 

And the only way to even get to him is to jump into a pit of spikes and hope a god will save you. 

Also, they might not be real. We’re not going to elaborate on that. 

Oh, and there’s a lot of human/elf/dwarf/etc sacrifice like 50 feet to your left. 

What the fuck, Twin Elms? 

This is getting long. Whoops. 

Aloth has told me his secrets. I’m so proud. 

And by proud I mean the save where he indicated he needed to talk about his whole Awakened thing is labeled Finally!!!

The save before he told me he was also in the Leaden Key is labeled nothing at all because I was completely caught off guard. 

He was such a shitty liar about Iselmyr that I assumed he had no other secrets. So that was well done. 

I let him steal the notes from the animancer, because it contained his personal history and I guess omitting names and identifying info isn’t a thing in this world, so yeah, fair enough. I gently encouraged him to work with Iselmyr and not consider her to be a bad thing. 

Naturally, when I asked what he was going to do about the permanency of the situation later, he decided to... completely suppress her? Ignore her? Which was, uh, not what I was hoping for. 

He seems happy at least. 

To be fair, I did specifically pick the neutral what are you planning option instead of encouraging them to work it out again, because I felt like it should ultimately be his choice. I can’t really complain if I disagree with it. 

He seems to have the most conversation interjections. 95% of them are snark. 

Edér is still not having a good time. The whole find out why your brother fought for the opposite side thing didn’t turn out well. I assume it’s going to come up again. 

Also, he’s still carrying around a literal door as a shield. 

That’s it, that’s really all the development he’s had in the last like 15 hours. 

Sagani remains perfect, has had nothing new happen. Occasionally she switches her weapon set to melee, presumably just to spite me. I’ll find those cliffs one day. 

Kana got dragged through the first 7 levels of that stupidly large dungeon and otherwise has remained at home. 

I feel kind of bad about this, but my Watcher is a chanter too, and I can’t take everyone everywhere. And he has a really bad habit of summoning skeletons just as the battle ends. Like, every time. 

Assassins kept attacking me in Defiance Bay, and I’m not sure if they were meant to be tied into his questline or not. Presumably not, because he wasn’t with me, but??? Who knows? Not me. 

I’m glad the end boss of his quest was literally just titled “Skeletal wizard.” Like, he had a lore name, but they couldn’t be bothered to pretend he was going to be more difficult than any other skeletal wizard mechanics wise. 

His hat remains stupid and on his head. 

Durance has decided to talk to me and start sharing his secrets. 

On one hand, I appreciate his storyline. Faithful priest gets divine inspiration to build a weapon that can kill gods, uses it, then gets complete silence from his goddess? Doesn’t know if he fucked up, goes wandering in an attempt to reestablish his connection, has mixed feelings of regret and bitterness and confusion? Good! I am interested in this story. 

On the other hand, he’s still a dick. Participated in the Purges, thinks guns are amazing because you can kill mages with them, is abrasive and antagonistic with everyone. 

I am not of the ‘characters need to be perfect and unproblematic’ ilk, so that’s not the problem. The problem is I have limited number of spots in my party, and I don’t want to spend one of a guy who’s just going to be rude to everyone, but this is what his quest requires me to do. 

The Grieving Mother remains largely the same. 

She won’t tell me her secrets yet because I told her that what actually happened is more important than memories, and that was apparently the Wrong Answer. 

She’s taken to calling my stronghold, “As beautiful as it can be with the absence of children,” which. Look, this stronghold has training grounds and guards walking around everywhere and gets attacked like once a week. Maybe we should be glad for the lack of children in there.

Admittedly this is still better than Aloth’s, “We’re not going to sleep here, are we?” so. 

Hiravias is getting dragged around Twin Elms since personal quest. 

He has not been nearly as helpful in terms of societal stuff as I thought he’d be. These are your people. Please help me not fuck this up. 

I’m not gonna lie, I think I muddled up the answers on the inscription part of his quest. I had no consistent message there. That probably wasn’t helpful. 

His AI is set to shapeshift ASAP. He stubbornly refuses to do that. It’s rude. 

Not character related, but I’m glad there was a prompt at the beginning of Act 3 about character level. 

By glad I mean not really because

1.) That options were super unclear. Does high level mean I’ll stay high level, or enemies will scale to reach me? Does standard mean change nothing or standardize levels? You can’t change it later, so good luck!!! 

(Fortunately, I had a save right before, so I totally could change it.) 

2.) The first group of enemies I ran into after that was a pack of 6 giant ogres that proceeded to wreck me. 

Then it was trolls. 

Then blights and adragans. 

I mean, only the ogres gave me problems, but still, rude. ‘This is getting too easy, so here’s the option to raise the difficulty and then here’s a bunch of giant mobs of big enemies.’ 

[marigoldbaker]

Imperfections (24/?)

ao3

will i stop posting these at midnight??? probably not

“Ronnie, deadbeat. Steve, klepto. Kenny…drummer.” Faith rattled off the names easily, looking at Buffy out of the corner of her eye, trying to gauge her reaction. “Eventually, I just had to face up to my destiny as a loser magnet. Now it's strictly get some, get gone. You can't trust guys.”

“You can trust some guys,” said Buffy. Faith gave her a doubtful look, and Buffy added earnestly, “Really, I've read about them.”

Faith laughed. “Yeah. So, what about you?”

“You mean like, me and guys me?” There was a sudden edge to Buffy’s voice.

“Mm-hm,” said Faith carefully.

“Not much to tell these days,” said Buffy simply.

Faith kind of wanted to keep pushing, but the guarded look on Buffy’s face reminded her a lot of various tense moments with Jen and Giles. Whatever this was, it was something Buffy didn’t feel like sharing just yet, and honestly, that kind of sucked. Back when Faith had first come to Sunnydale, she’d thought that Buffy was closed-off, but now she was starting to miss even that Buffy.

“You know what?” she said. “We're oh for six tonight. Why don't we just blow this off?”

“Yeah. I am kinda beat,” Buffy agreed, then faltered. “But Shady Hill's pretty close.”

“I'll swing through it,” said Faith casually. “It's on my way anyway.”

“Alone?” Buffy replied hesitantly. “I-I don't know if I'd…”

“I’ve already got that evaluator lady on my back. I don’t need another babysitter,” said Faith, hoping that that sounded reassuring enough. “I’ll holler if I’m having any fun.”

“Okay,” said Buffy a little reluctantly.

“Later,” said Faith, still keeping her voice light and breezy as she walked towards Shady Hill.

She was a little glad to be alone. She had a lot to think about. Buffy, who was sweet strawberry-milkshake girl one minute and closed-off mystery girl the next. Mrs. Post, who seemed pretty invested in making Faith see how important it was that a Vampire Slayer couldn’t have people who put her before the world.

Except—

Buffy had that. Buffy had always had that. Buffy had a mom, and a dad, and a bunch of friends that Faith still barely ever talked to. Buffy had everything that Mrs. Post said Faith couldn’t have, and that just didn’t add up. What, was Faith supposed to be the Slayer without the life so that Buffy could slack off and have hers? If Mrs. Post really thought that Faith wasn’t in a good learning environment, she’d be trying to pull Buffy out of that situation too.

Or maybe Mrs. Post just kind of figured that Buffy was some kind of a lost cause, what with all the time she’d been living with parents and friends and all that jazz. Maybe Mrs. Post thought Faith would be easier to reach because she hadn’t been in Sunnydale as long as Buffy. The thought of being the Council’s last hope filled Faith with a strange mixture of pride, guilt, and fear. By all rights, it should be Buffy who the Council was depending on—Faith was kind of a mess.

But Mrs. Post hadn’t even paid attention to Buffy. Faith was going to have to leave this life she just found while Buffy stayed in Sunnydale, slaying vamps with friends and family. The thought of leaving Sunnydale with the knowledge that there was a relatively happy Vampire Slayer living there made Faith angry.

“God, I really hope there’s something for me to beat up when I get to Shady Hill,” she said emphatically, rounding the corner to the cemetery.

“Ah! Yes. There we are.” Rupert entered the kitchen, looking adorably rumpled from all the boxes of books he’d been sorting through, and placed an open book on the kitchen table. Jenny stepped closer to him, looking down at the page he was pointing to. “There's a wood engraving. See? The Glove of Myhnegon.”

Mrs. Post, sitting at the kitchen table, barely glanced up. “Yes, engraved by Father Theodore of Wolsham.”

“Yes,” Rupert agreed.

“Based, I believe, on very sketchy and unreliable folk legends,” said Mrs. Post matter-of-factly. “The pictures are fun to look at, Mr. Giles, but one really ought to read the nice words as well.”

Jenny, furious, was already halfway to insulting the entire Watchers’ Council when Rupert placed a hand on the small of her back. The kettle went off. “Some tea, perhaps?” he asked, a gentle warning in his voice.

“Yep. Tea.” Jenny sat down at the kitchen table, making sure to choose the chair across from Mrs. Post instead of next to her.

“I know that you must find me tiresome, but it's insidious, really,” commented Mrs. Post. Rupert stepped forward with a tea platter, setting it down on the table and pouring some hot water into the cup in front of him. Mrs. Post looked down at her own cup. “A person slips up on the little things,” she continued, taking out the teabag, “and soon everything has gone to hell in a handbasket.”

Rupert poured Jenny half a cup of tea before Jenny stopped him. “I probably need something stronger tonight,” she said, only half joking.

Mrs. Post opened her purse, taking out a small box of tea. “For example…Buffy, your Slayer.”

“Wow,” said Jenny. “You carry tea everywhere, or just when you want to make a point?”

Rupert pressed his lips together, looking thoroughly exhausted. Jenny felt a pinprick of guilt; her being sarcastic almost definitely didn’t help the evaluation, and she had a feeling that that put a lot of stress on him. She’d have to try to tone it down a little. “Mrs. Post,” Rupert said, pouring Mrs. Post some hot water, “I can assure you that Buffy is both dedicated and industrious, and I am in complete control of my Slayer.”

The doorbell rang, followed immediately by someone banging on the door. “Giles! Ms. Calendar!” Xander shouted.

“Use the key, Xander,” called Jenny, very grateful for an interruption.

They heard the sound of a key in a lock, and soon after, Xander tumbled through the door, sprinting into the kitchen and knocking into Jenny. “Sorry,” he gasped, very out of breath. “It’s just—we have a big problem. It’s Buffy.”

Mrs. Post raised an eyebrow.  

Rupert winced. “Will you excuse us?” he inquired. Without waiting for an answer, he took Jenny’s arm, tugging her out of the kitchen with him and shutting the door behind them. “What’s going on, Xander?”

Xander, who had been looking almost comically panicked, sobered. He glanced between Rupert and Jenny a few times before answering heavily, “Angel’s back.”

Jenny blinked. “Is that all?” she asked without really thinking.

Rupert gave her a look.

Xander stared. “Is that—what do you mean is that all? Did you know?”

“Wait.” Jenny frowned. “How do you know?”

“Oh no.” Xander held up a hand. “I want to hear how you know first.”

“Jenny?” Rupert turned to her, taking her hand in his.

“Uh,” Jenny tried to collect her thoughts, “well, when Pete and Buffy were fighting, I—I thought I saw Angel, but Rupert and I thought it was just nerves. I only found out that I’d really seen him when Debbie said something at Homecoming about seeing a vampire kill Pete.”

“That’s all we knew,” Rupert added. “We didn’t tell anyone but Buffy because neither of us were exactly sure what Angelus was planning, and he hadn’t actually hurt anyone.”

“He still hasn’t,” Jenny added. “The death count isn’t as high as it was when Angelus was first on the loose.”

Xander nodded slowly. “Huh,” he said. “I guess that’s some small consolation.”

“What do you mean?” said Jenny apprehensively.

“I found out Angel’s back because I saw him grabbing something from a crypt,” said Xander uncomfortably. “I followed him—”

“Xander,” said Jenny sharply.

“What? No one else was there to do anything!” Xander objected indignantly.

“You can’t just follow Angel on your own!” Jenny said, her voice higher and tenser than she’d intended. “You see something that dangerous, you call me.”

“Yeah, because you’re so accessible nowadays,” Xander muttered.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jenny asked sharply.

Xander winced. “Uh. Nothing. Doesn’t matter. Anyway, I followed Angel to—”

“You can’t just say something like that and drop the subject,” persisted Jenny.

“Pardon me,” called Mrs. Post from the kitchen, “but would you like some assistance?”

“Thank you, that won’t be necessary,” Rupert called back with a feigned smile.

“Xander, being passive-aggressive is going to get you nowhere,” said Jenny pointedly.

“Look, Ms. Calendar, maybe we can talk about this when you’re not busy fussing over Faith,” snapped Xander.

There was an abrupt, uncomfortable silence.

“Perhaps I should go make some more tea,” said Rupert nervously. Jenny grabbed his arm, holding him in place.

Xander seemed to realize what he’d said, but he didn’t take it back. “I’m glad that Faith’s so important to you,” he continued awkwardly. “I mean—I know she needs it. But Willow and I barely ever see you, and when we do, you’re always researching with Giles or teaching your class. Willow almost skipped school last week because she was so sad about you ignoring her that she wasn’t sure if she could even pull off going to class, and it was me that talked her out of it. Not you.”

Jenny thought about all the times she’d tried to make it clear over the summer that she’d be there for Willow, and how it must have then felt for Willow when Faith showed up out of the blue. “God,” she said quietly. “I guess I’m not as good at balancing things as I thought.”

Xander shrugged. “Guess you’re not,” he said coolly.

“I’m going to talk to her as soon as this evaluation is over,” Jenny said with conviction.

“You got anything to say to me?” Xander asked, challenging.

Jenny bit her lip. “I—”

“Anyway,” said Xander shortly. “Putting aside our own unresolved issues for a little while, we need to talk about Angel and Buffy.”

Rupert started. “Angel…and Buffy?”

Xander shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Like I was saying. I followed Angel to that mansion where…” He trailed off, but Jenny saw his eyes dart quickly to her crooked fingers. “Acathla,” he said. “And I got there, and Angel and Buffy were kissing.”

Jenny thought back to Buffy’s tense expression in the library, back when she and Rupert had told Buffy about the possibility of Angelus’s return. She felt vaguely sick. “She knew,” she said.

Rupert had the same look of realization. “When I came in after Pete’s death,” he murmured, “I mentioned Jenny seeing Angel, and Buffy looked almost guilty. I never thought—I assumed that guilt was due to Jenny being hurt.”

“Yeah, well, it looks like it wasn’t,” said Xander bitterly. “I think we need to talk to Buffy.”

“All of us,” Rupert agreed.

“Not Faith,” said Jenny suddenly.

Xander pressed his lips together, very clearly biting back an angry retort, then looked up. “Why not Faith?”

Jenny sighed. She honestly hadn’t considered that focusing on Faith would have this big of an effect on Xander and Willow, and she felt horrible for not even bothering to think about it. “She cares a lot about Buffy,” she said finally. “It’s going to really hurt her to find out that Buffy’s kept this from her. I think she should talk to Buffy one-on-one.”

“Buffy didn’t tell us about Angel,” said Xander. “Why does Faith get the special treatment?”

“Because—” Jenny faltered. It took her a moment to find a genuine reason. “Because if Faith finds out any other way, there’s a chance she might run off and try to kill Angel. I don’t want that happening.”

“I don’t count that as all that much of a loss.” Xander’s expression was hard and angry. “He hurt you and Giles and the first thing he does when he comes back is make out with Buffy, not try and make things right with the rest of us. Seems like killing him is long overdue.”

“I won’t have anyone I love die trying to kill Angel,” said Jenny fiercely, stepping away from Rupert. “And that includes you, Xander.”

Something in Xander seemed to falter. He dropped his eyes to the ground. “I wasn’t sure about that one,” he said to his feet.

Jenny breathed out. “I’m so sorry,” she said. Her voice broke. “You and Willow were so good to me over the summer. I got so wrapped up in taking care of Faith that I never once checked in on how that might affect you.”

“I get that Faith doesn’t have parents,” said Xander quietly, still not looking up, “but I’d swap the parents I’ve got for having no parents any day.”

Rupert cleared his throat. “I’m going to check in on Mrs. Post,” he said uncomfortably.

Jenny grabbed Rupert’s arm again before he could leave. She really needed to talk to him about his attempts to avoid emotional situations. “We are a family,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “Not just a bunch of people thrown together fighting evil.” This part was kind of directed at Rupert too, because she wasn’t sure if he always understood that. “And Xander—you’re going to stay over here one day of every week.”

Xander did look up at that. “What?”

“What?” Rupert echoed, looking more than a bit perturbed.

“Once a week, you come and stay here,” said Jenny. “I’ll clear off some of the boxes and you can sleep on the couch.”

“What if I don’t want to do that?” Xander challenged her.

“Yes, what if he doesn’t?” Rupert added.

Jenny elbowed Rupert, gave him a shut up look, and said to Xander, “I want to fix things. This seems like a way to start. If I turn out to be wrong, you can tell me, but at least try spending one night over here. Rupert makes good pasta, and you and Faith can get to know each other a little better.”

“And you’re not asking Willow to do this?” said Xander doubtfully. “Seems like this kind of thing would be something that’d make her way happier than me.”

“Willow doesn’t have parents like yours,” Jenny replied simply, crossing her arms in front of her chest. Suddenly she felt a little like running; emotions were kind of scary, and parenting (did this count as parenting?) was even scarier. “I can find her a different kind of space.”

She saw the change in Xander’s expression—it was a subtle thing, but his eyes didn’t look so hard and angry. “Fine,” he said. “How’s Friday?”

[shipwrexked]

Tag you’re IT!!!

tag ten people you would like to get to know better

I was tagged by the totally awesome and completely and totally worth-following @graymalkyn

name/nickname(s): My actual name is weird enough that I’ve never needed a nickname. favourite colours: All of them!!! Except white..I have an aversion to white it’s sooooo boring which is ironic since the color white is the mixing of ALL colors. LOL last song i listened to: Melanie Martinez CRYBABY album. I’m currently in love with this album. favourite tv show(s): I have truly immature taste when it comes to t.v. I like The Vampire Diaries, Riverdale, Supernatural, The 100, and in anime it’s gotta be Junjou Romantica, SIH, Haikyuu, Free, ReLife. I know I’m forgetting some but truly I don’t watch a lot of t.v. on a regular basis I’m more of a binge watcher so I prefer to watch shows after the season is over so I can just watch them all at once. Oh wow I almost forgot Yuri On Ice!!! first fandom: In which medium? Books-It would have to be The Hobbit. My mom read it to me when I  was very small and I fell in love with that world. In anime definitely Robotech I wanted to be part of that Mecha-fighting team so bad and Minme is still a selfish jerk loser! I will never not be mad at her. Yes I was 7 years old when that anime was made and I’M NOT SORRY!! I read all the books all the manga I begged my parents for the toys. I was SUCH Robotech trash.  hobbies: I’m an INTP I don’t have hobbies I have obsessions. Cooking (not baking! I’m a shit baker but I can cook with the best of them), Reading, Writing mostly short stories and book reviews though I’ve had a few Essay’s published as well, History most especially Imperial History it’s fascinating to see how imperialistic countries have shaped the fabric of our world all the way back to Genghis Khan. Anime as in the ENTIRE culture of anime and yes it’s a culture I guess you could say I’m an Otaku. I’m pretty much like the biggest geek you will ever know.  books that i’m currently reading: I actually am a book reviewer and while some people may think that’s pretty awesome you get to read all those books before they’re published! The downside is that I often have to read books that I don’t particularly like. I have to be objective and fair and so the books that I’m currently reading may not be fun. That being said I’m currently reading “All the King’s Men”-Political Fiction, Broken Faith-Urban Fantasy, Echos in Death-Futuristic Mystery Series. Those are for work for fun I’m making my way through Haikyuu Manga, 10 Count Manga (omg I have cried SOOO much in this story!!), Re-Reading A Court of Thorns and Roses and A Court of Mist and Fury because A Court of Wings and Ruin comes out in May!!! worst thing i’ve eaten: Squid Ink Pasta. My 10 year old son convinced me I needed to try it because I would love it. I, in fact, did not love it. I do not like salty food so that was just no, it was just all kinds of NO! favourite place(s): I’ve actually been blessed enough to live all over the world and my favorite places are Hamburg Germany, Nepal Italy, Okinawa Japan, Glendale Arizona (yes I loved the desert!) and my home. 

I’m tagging the following people because I’m genuinely curious, but please feel free to do this if you want, and tag me if you want me to see your answers!

@propshophannah

@senselessnope

@teamfeyre @yurionicescreencaps and that’s it because I don’t even know 10 people on tumblr. LOL 

did I tag you @graymalkyn? I don’t know but I think so.