#(but one day i will think abt it because it will make everything here 5x more insane which is fun)

[microwaving-tesilid-argente]

...may i interest you guys in the idea of vatican trio ot3

vatican trio angst is the two of them being the same cheery goofy guys round after round after round while tesilid increasingly becomes gloomy and suicidal, weighed down by the experience of dozens of deaths that no doubt include theirs.

hestio & ephael see tesilid come home from greenwalle one day and no longer really recognise this guy anymore, what on earth happened to him? knowing him well enough that they can immediately tell that this taciturn guy is acting off, but not having any way of knowing what he went through because it all happened in a timeline you have no access to.

you're the same cheerful guys as you have always been, and the childhood friend you've stuck to since the three of you were 10 is suddenly out of reach.

he's always been standoffish but now feels different. you have no way of knowing. and he can't talk.

[soysaucevictim]

Week 9 & 4.

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May 9

I think I woke up around 11AM.

Spent some time preparing dad’s old computer for transferring his files to a new computer and some dishes. Meanwhile, I worked on today’s Hello Fresh Meal- Philly Style Beef Melts. Everybody enjoyed this one too, so that made me happy. (Because it was a bit involved.)

I then spent some time chatting and shopping, before starting to set-up dad’s new computer. Had a panic episode about misplaced information - but I found it soon enough and continued aforementioned set-up.

Another day where I got my exercise done FAR too late. (Like around 11PM...)

First, today’s DD. 2′ butt kicks with EC. I counted 228 reps, close to 2/sec. Regardless, i tried to do it more quietly (and slow-ish), because of the time. But it certainly was no less intense.

Second, Day 49 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 1′ rest. This was pretty fun work - only felt bad about my timing today. Single leg hops do require some focus, but they’re fun for it.

Third, Day 19 of the C&AC. 4x push-ups to failure, Numbers were 26-20-14-10, this time. I endeavored to increment it up a little bit. It wan’t the best form but oh well.

Last, Day 19 of the DSC. 10 punches were just as jab+crosses and swapping stances at 50 again.

I meant to get more done but most of the remaining day was spent working on dad's new computer. Which made me miss my bed time. I decided it was time to restart my sleeping on time streak on Habitica, at that point. Ah well, work in progress.

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May 10

I woke up pretty late. Kind of not surprised for how obscenely late I went to bed, last night.

Watched a bit of YouTube and did some dishes before starting on today’s exercise.

First, today’s DD. 40 lunges w/ twist EC (20/20), Just about manageable, not much else to remark on for me.

(After some final touches, setting up dad’s computer...)

Second, Day 50 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 1′ rest. That got me right bushed. Those jumping lunges were particularly brutal. I’m also finding myself feeling it during calf raises of late, despite them usually pretty breezy exercises! Goes to show how stacking/context matters, in workouts.

Third, Day 20 of the C&AC. 6x20 shoulder taps. Very doable work, did rock a bit as I went. Mostly out of impatience. :P

Last, Day 20 of the DSC. Same approach as yesterday.

Had a brief spike in anxiety over family stuff again... but talking about distractions helped.

I also got in some art progress and a gratitude journal entry. I chose to get work done at expense of working on sleep schedule (I promise myself I’ll be able to work on this more consistently after current project is over.).

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May 11

I did manage to get up earlier than yesterday.

First, today’s DD. 40 squat hold side bends with EC. This was fun and manageable. Did almost lose my balance early in, but I was able to regain my focus to get through it without further issue.

(After several hours of watching YouTube and waiting on food to digest...)

Second, Day 51 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 30″ rest. Relatively more breezy, since it was mostly march steps. The switch to butt kicks were a bit challenging for the knees, but manageable.

Third, Day 21 of the C&AC. 6x push-ups to failure. I counted 26-20-14-10-10. Not stellar form, but acceptable.

Last, Day 21 of the DSC. Nothing fancy/unique today.

After some chatting, I managed to get some art done and some gratitude journal stuff... didn’t get to bed on time.

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May 12

I woke up around 11AM.

Had some irritation with computer and spent a few minutes prepping for my telehealth psych appointment. The latter went alright. Made a few other necessary phone calls.

The only exercise I got around to doing was today’s DD. 2′ un/clenching fists with EC. I counted about 220 reps by the end, not too shabby... and arguably one of the only good things happened for awhile, today.

Played some cards, made some dinner... and then shit went down the tubes again. Got hurt by some words from family and found self in tailspin.

Chatting with a friend and trying to do something silly did take some edge off (basically pulling an allnighter, in process,).

But I still felt fucking awful. Friend showed me this comic later and yeah... basically sums up how I feel. Also made it hard to avoid tinging gratitude journal with some negativity,

-

May 13

I woke up around 2PM, and was still pretty melancholy.

But after a bit of pep talk, I got my exercise in somewhat early.

First, today’s DD. 2′ sitting punches with EC. I counted 238 reps by the end, so close to 2/sec. But it was no less intense, especially just from hold that ab contraction for 2′ straight. But at least it was a personal favorite and a good way to get me feeling a little better.

Second, Day 52 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 1′ rest. Took a bit of psyching up and minor aggravation with the phone going off a few times during. I’m just happy I got myself though it, despite everything. I ended up having to sit down for a minutes to get in the rest of my exercise.

Third, Day 22 of the C&AC. 6x22 shoulder taps. Nothing to really remark in either direction here.

Last, Day 22 of the DSC. Did nothing too fancy with my 100 punches.

I then played a game of cards and decided to finish that silly project I started yesterday. Spent some time chatting... and feeling still down afterwards (family-related). Vented a bit on twitter, wrote a letter, and played some games before going to bed.

Late again.

-

May 14

I think I got up earlier than yesterday.

Did some dishes, made some dinner, and spent most off my time setting up this new Elgato thing I recently bought. Been an interesting/curios distraction. Chatted a bit about that, before exercising... extremely late today.

First, today’s DD. 40 standing W-extensions with EC. Pretty breezy and fun work.

Second, Day 53 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 1′ rest. This was intense. I stepped into/out-of planks for transitions again. I also felt a bit self-conscious abt the noise I was making with those high knees. But mission accomplished.

Third, Day 23 of the C&AC. 5x push-ups to failure. I incremented my numbers up to 26-20-18-12-10. This was pretty intense, especially after previous plank work.

Last, Day 23 of the DSC. Nothing fancy today, again.

Had a bit of grumpiness about the trash sitch but decided to ramble on the fandom blog about Sanders Sides. I have no idea why I only got to bed when dawn broke. But whatever.

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May 15

Been losing track of when I manage to get up... but I want to say it was after 1PM today.

After a bit of tag browsing, did some dishes and made today’s Hello Fresh Meal. Zingy mustard soy salmon. This went over pretty well. I enjoyed it a lot and wouldn’t mind getting this one again. (Was craving salmon for some time of it...)

I rendered a sugar syrup with leftover lime zest + ginger... think that’ll taste pretty good in tea.

First, today’s DD. 1′ squat hops with EC. I counted 71 reps and it got pretty brutal. Wanted to find a sustainable pace, yet still think I sped up near the end.

Second, Day 54 of the 60DoC. Level 3, 1′ rest.

Third, Day 24 of the C&AC. 6x24 shoulder taps. A bit of rocking out of fatigue and lateness, but manageable. I haven’t really stated, but this last week started gettng pretty intense.

Last, Day 24 of the DSC. Nothing fancy, again.

I spent some time taking a shower and doing some therapy homework. Got to bed in the red zone...

[failingfuture]

god why wont the universe let me be happy (cringy rant under the cut, ignore me plz)

this bitch long but this bitch(me) sad so who cares, i just want this somewhere

lets starts

i was with my s.o at the park today, idk how she does it but i feel so much happier around her, its insane rly, but im thankful so yea

of course the lil.... ‘self destruction’ rampage i went on a few days before had followed me here, i had so many bad intrusive thoughts(?) that tried to paint her as some demon, when she isnt, it twisted everything into some personal attack when it wasnt, it was like sudden pains in my body when it happened, and then itd go away, just like that,,

but even so, i tried to keep myself distracted from those thoughts by giving her affection, i kinda hate myself for getting so in her face with it, but she didnt seem to complain so...?

it didnt stop all of it though, we had a moment where we were sorta cuddling and she had her head on my chest facing away from me and suddenly i got so bad, im glad she couldnt see me cuz i choked back tears, but suddenly i decided to say something off the top of my head, “hey schatz” (thats my nickname for her shush) “i just wanted to say that... you make me so happy, you have no idea, i love you” (p sure i said somethin else but thats the main bit)

i think she only thought of it as one of my little random compliments id give, but, to me, this one was more serious, im shocked my voice didnt crack when i tried to say it, soon we went back to silence, i eventually calmed down, or at least ignored the feeling long enough and we did our own thing for a bit

side bit thing: ive been so touchstarved this week, to the point where i can feel it deep in me ;; and sure the quick pecks and me holding her and her hand were nice, it just wasnt enough, and i always wanted more right after (at least i have some form of self control tho, thank fuck)

im not good at receiving affection, and probably never will be with my constant self deprecation, lack of worth, and just being so worried abt what the other is thinking ;; but i want to so bad, i just want to feel happy receiving affection and not feel like its someone taking pity or that i have to give 5x more because i need to ‘earn the right to affection’ or some bull my brain made up

i just want her to hold me out the blue, protecting me from the world in her embrace, but instead of my mind normally trying to think of ways to pay it back, or yelling at myself for probably crushing her with my weight, i just feel at peace for a little while

it doesnt even have to be a special hug; no rubbing circles on my back and arms, no words of encouragement, no sneaky kisses on the head, no this and that

just.

a hug.

and it sounds so lonely to say that, but the most realistic scenario ive ever imagined of us is just,,, that, its just safety and silent forgiveness for all the stupid shit ive done to myself

i could die happy right then and there, shit she could kill me right there and i prob wouldnt bat an eye

ofc ive thought of bringing up the hug thing ((obvi not asking it as desperate sounding)) but like i said, i have trouble knowing when ive ‘earned’ that privilege, or even if i did, i wonder, would she be comfy with some 600 lb pig lying on her, and by the time i can fight off these doubts and ask, its time to go, and im back at square one feeling so lonely again

its,, so exhausting and damaging,, and i hope i bring myself to talking about this with her cuz,, my depressed ass cant keep going like this

i just cant