#(but also not rlly sorry bc omg wtf)

[hakunoluvr]

#jiwoon vc i can make you like me as more than a concept~ ❤️ *finger heart*

E-FACKING-GAD MUN =/= MUSE IS SO REAL BC I WOULDA STRAIGHT UP DIED IF I WERE HAKUNO . and also like do literally anything jiwoon says like um 😳😳 .. hhhHHRRGHGGSGSHDMGHJSHH (<- sound that i fr made as i read that) @jiwone

[lowkeyrobin]

Readerxfive where the reader gets their tongue split? (You know when it looks like a snake tongue because it's forked) his and family's reactions. Pls and thanks.

ooo okay okay ; also btw I just did this as a preference cause I could do a whole oneshot on this & it just kinda worked out better that way, hopefully that's okay! (these can be taken as platonic or romantic unless i made some kissing jokes lmao) ; I also do not know much about this so sorry if anything is wrong / incorrect ; thanks for requesting, hope you enjoy! ; also some are missing bc I don't rlly know how to write for them yet I apologize :((

TUA ; tongue split

includes ; diego, klaus, five, umbrella! ben, viktor, sparrow! ben, fei, & jayme

warnings ; language, mouth stuff / talk idk

disclaimers ; when I use the /p or /r it can be interpreted as platonic or romantic, romantic as yk cute in a romantic way or platonic in a "awe my sibling / friend is so happy" way

masterlist

DIEGO

"eugh wtf..."

he switches up rlly quick tho

"that's actually really cool"

he's so interested by it / wants to know everything about it

begs you to do weird tricks with your tongue since you kinda have two (in his eyes) now

"yknow I could've done that for you for free"

"and if you did it wouldn't have even been sterile. you haven't cleaned those knives practically ever."

KLAUS

"ooouuuu look at you, snake child!"

he's obv into alt fashion (kinda) / non gender conformity so he loves having a friend / sibling / lover who's super cool like him!

if you hold things in your mouth with it (somehow) he's watching

kinda grossed out but so intrigued by it

like it's not everyday you see someone with a split tongue yk?

"how did you not die doing that? you couldn't make me do that blacked out"

FIVE

silently looks at you like 😐😬😐😟

"what the hell? are you okay???"

even if you've been talking about wanting to get your tongue split for a long time, he's convinced you got it against your will

after realizing this was solely your choice of how you wanted to express yourself, his expression morphs to more of a 🤨😊🥰

he doesn't really understand alt fashion / body modifications but he's obviously supportive, as long as you're happy

he usually catches you rubbing your tongue over your teeth on both sides since the inside of your cheeks move some

"fun, huh?"

"yeah, it's cool"

UMBRELLA! BEN

thinks it's so cool since he never really got to do crazy teenager things when he was alive

he likes seeing you able to express yourself the way you like because you're your own person

lowkey proud of you for doing it since he knew you'd been wanting to for a while but you had to get the guts for it first

honestly kinda concerned that it hurts a lot or something cause for a while you can't stop messing around with your tongue

but it's more like loosing a tooth, you're okay 💪

VIKTOR

again, super supportive and thinks it's really cool

he loves seeing you express yourself the way you want too, it's really sweet

loves watching you move your tongue around in all different ways and shit lmao

"wait- do it again"

THAT LITTLE CHUCKLE.

for the vik lovers /romantic ->

"wait, what's it gonna be like to kiss you?"

"you wanna find out???"

"...yeah"

SPARROW! BEN

like Diego, repulsed for a moment

lowkey didn't realize what was happening for a second LMFAO

"oh wait, that's cool"

asks you a few questions and life returns to normal

but he finds you toying with the split tongue a lot pretty cute /platonic or /romantic

like you're so happy about it and he's just like 😊

FEI

"oo, that's nice. any aftercare you need to take care of? ill help you. you need some Tylenol?"

so nice lmfao

she finds it so interesting

she asks a handful of questions

also finds the messing around with your new tongue pretty cute /platonic or /romantic

she's just happy that you're happy man

lowkey wonders how different it is for you now, just in general lmao

JAYME

you're alike now kinda omg 🗣🗣

she's got snake venom, you got a snake tongue

she finds it so rad

little fistbump when she first sees "haha, nice dude!"

so obsessed with watching you do little tricks and move your tongue around

lowkey the cool older sister (or wise friend or lover) who encourages you to follow your little alt dreams because she kinda can't with being stuck to the academy

damn you reggie with that dress code...

she absolutely loves it tho

[byuqi]

hello sorry to bother you. i saw ur requests were open and wanted to ask if u could write a fluffy scenario with nct dream, where they ask their s/o (female reader) to scratch their back when they get an itch, and she happily helps them out?

EI’S NOTES: yes hi omg my first request!!

NCT DREAM — THEIR LOVE FOR BACK SCRATCHES

pairing: nctdream x fem!reader, genre: fluff, warnings: sexual joke at haechans one, thats all.

마크 MARK LEE

— he would act like its normal honestly

— i feel like as soon as you started dating him, he kinda jus said like “youre stuck with me forever” and jus gets rlly comfy with you

— not like you’re complaining tho

— neways you two would be sitting on the living room couch right?

— and suddenly hes like “babe can you scratch my back for me” and turns his back immediately to you

— and youre like ??? okay

— as soon as you started scratching his back he lets out a sigh in contentment and closes his eyes

— ngl after a while it stopped itching, he just wanted you to carry on scratching

— soon he jus falls back into your lap and asks you to play with his hair instead while he falls asleep lol

런쥔 HUANG RENJUN

— he tried to make it not obvious at all bc he doesn’t wanna ask for your help

— in his opinion he feels as if he should help you and not the other way around

— so when you saw him kinda struggling to reach his back to scratch it you knew you had to help him

— it was lowk a cute moment too

— he jus had gotten out the shower and dressed in his pjs

— he was facing the mirror as he was busy with his skincare and then his back started itching

— you saw how he struggled so you softly got up from the bed and walked towards him

— you then placed your hand on his back and started scratching it

— his cheeks turned red as he made eye contact with you in the mirror

— “i had it” he would say puffing out his cheeks

— “im jus trying to help” would be your response as you placed a kiss on his cheek before you heard him say a small thank you before carrying on with his skin care

제노 LEE JENO

— i actually have the biggest crush on this man it isnt evens funny

— he would literally RUN to you if his back was itching

— the only reason is bc he knows how nice it feels when you scratch his back for him so he take any opportunity he can get

— “YN!!” jeno yelled as you heard heavy footsteps run towards your bedroom door.

— “mhm” you hummed as you looked up from your phone

— “my back is itching, can you help me” he would pout in attempt to persuade you

— you nodded as you smiled and put your phone down

— he immediately jumped on the bed and took his shirt off as he layed in your lap with his face in your stomach

— he sighed as you started scratching his back

— “are you rlly itchy? or do you jus want me to scratch your back bc you enjoy it?” you teased with a smile on your face

— “both” was his last words before he fell asleep

해찬 LEE HAECHAN

— this man would make such a joke of it and be playful

— like he would literally make jokes about it

— you guys would be cuddling when suddenly he jumps up out of no where

— then he would just start to try and scratch his back while sitting at the edge of the bed

— then he would ask you and ofc you say yes

— as soon as you say yes, this man takes off his shirt

— he claims its to “relieve the itchiness more”

— and as youre busy scratching his back he would make jokes the whole time

— “you know theres another way you can scratch my back” *smack* “OUCH YN WTF—”

— “yn pls its still itchy” “no you wanna tease me the whole damn time, fix it yourself”

— he would then after that cry (can confirm)

재민 NA JAEMIN

— he has my heart guys🥹🥹🥹

— he would be so romantic about it lowk

— but he also wouldn’t ask yk?

— like you two are in a picnic date and hes sitting infront of you watching the sunset while youre eating strawberries

— and he would literally jus out the blue try and put your hand on where its itching as a way of silently asking you to scratch it for him

— ofc you said yes

— while you were scratching his back, he would like lean back and grab a strawberry before feeding it to you as you carried on

— bro your smile is so big your like 🤭🤭🤭

— and then once you finished scratching his back, he turns his head to look at you and leans in to kiss your cheek before kissing you lips

— sigh

천러 ZHONG CHENLE

— he would be cute but also a bitch about it

— like he wouldn’t stop saying that hes got it and wont accept that YOU helped HIM

— not in a mean way ofc but he would be satly bc he likes to do things on his own

— you were lying on his chest when he started moving around alot

— you looked up at him and saw his face in discomfort and asked him whats wrong

— he would say some shit like “nothing” or “im good baby dont worry”

— but once he started to move again you were like okay maybe hes back is icthing

— and you were right

— bc of how stubborn he is you literally demand him to turn around after all the times he said no

— you told him he wont kisses from you and he immediately turned knowing you weren’t joking

— would be salty asf once you were done

— “i could have done it by myself but okay” and “i didnt need your help”

— “welp suck it up cus i helped you”

지성 PARK JISUNG

— he would be so SHY about it omfg

— like he would make it seem as if its a crime to ask you to help him scratch his back

— like he would hide it away from you from embarrassment

— you would be in the kitchen getting a snack or something to drink

— and you would see jisung walk in with his face red as he looks uncomfortable

— “hey ji whats wrong?” you asked as you put your stuff down

— “my back itching” he would mumble so you cant hear

— “huh?” “my back is itching, can you maybe help please”

— he would look down the whole time avoiding eye contact with you😭

— you would jus smile and ask him to sit while you scratch his back for him

— he would IMMEDIATELY get comfortable again and once youre done he will carry on like that never happened

perm taglist — @ixomiyu @jencthy @kynrki @love-4-keum @coalalalinha @viagumi @enhastolemyheart @strwberrydinosaur @w3bqrl @zuyairus

[thatdeadaquarius]

This is riding off the language stuff in sagau but I just cant get it out of my head a reader who uses tumblr slang every once in a while. like they meet the Traveller and they're like "Omg I'm so cheesed to meet you!!" And the Traveller is just like "???" meanwhile Paimon integrates that into her vocabulary. And then maybe at some point, if the reader has a vision they're like "MAIMING AND BITING YOU" "THAT'S IT! I'M SENDING YOU TO EEBY DEEBY!" while their poor teammates are so confused. Just imagine going over to ppl like Razor, Klee, Chongyun and going "Awwww my lil scrunglos"

Just a very chaotic reader in general lmao

HEY WASSUP ANON

MY BRO THIS IS SO OLD BY NOW IM SO SORRY LMAO- SO ANYWAY HELLO!!! A DESSERT FOR UR PATIENCE 🍨🍧🛐

FOR WAITING SO LONG HERE IS SUM ASS WRITINF MY FRIEND HOPE U GET SMTH OUTTA IT

Bro imma be honest i missed out on some slang on tumblr bc i was off of it for awhile before i refreshed this old blog 

So my reaction to these slang words (except for scrunglies/scrunglos ik that one) is just as confused but also its rlly funny that im in the same situation as them LMAO 😭

☆

I would think honestly, even if ur doin it on purpose, 

I feel like some slang or refs r too ingrained into my soul to not make

So i would just accidentally use slang/memes, esp around funny ppl like Kaeya or Beidou, and then just give up eventually 💀

♤

So i stg everytime Xiao shows up in a event or smth it surprises me everytime lol

With his teleporting ability i would guess that if ur just chillin around Liyue anytime, Xiao just… shows up lol

Tea with Zhongli? Oh jesus Xiao’s here now.

Watching Xinyan and Yunjin play? Hes on the roof.

Picking ingredients with Xiangling to help her cook yall some amazing food?

Hes in the tree u were just picking Sunsettias in-

◇

So ur in Mondstadt, and ur like,

“oh well no Xiao here, huh kinda feels weird now”

eventually ur dumbass trips over nothing and goes tumbling down a hill, u know, as u do

Ur at the bottom like, 💀 

And its kinda hot and ur tired, and r selfaware of ur own goofiness so u just-

“I can see the end of the horizon, is this an internal dialouge-”

Xiao comes around the hill ur splayed at the bottom of.

UR STARTLED BC WTF MONDSTADT?? XIAO??? SO U JUST

“HATSUNE MIKU-”

CRYING-

AND XIAOS LIKE-

“??? No. It’s me. Xiao. The Yaksha Adeptus, my liege?”

HAHFLAHHAHA

AND HE KEEPS ASKING U WHO HATSUNE MIKU IS THE WHOLE WAY BACK TO THE CITY AS HE ESCORTS U LFMAO

♧

U see those scary ruin machines the ones with the fucking legs in Sumeru,

Cyno is ur bodyguard for the day, 

And at first he doesn’t see it, like its behind him, but it just like came around a corner, so it hasnt locked in on yall yet

(i headcanon that even if u r the Creator, these are machines, and dont have the sentience to even be self-aware let alone process wtf u are, ig if Khaeynriah made hella AI that is aware maybe it could fathom u)

◇

And u try to warn him but not scare him, so

“CYNO.

CYNO, THE HORSE IS HERE-”

Cue Cyno like

“A horse??? In the desert, Greatest Lord what the fu-”

Almost gets stomped on 😭 rip.

♡

U see Scara for the first time and u befriend him

Ur the only god besides Nahida he’s ok with aw

and one day he’s bodyguarding u around Sumeru 

He gets a little too into it and goes ham on several ruin machines

Like full on elmo burning anarchy meme, he's literally cackling floating above the pile of flaming metal-

And ur just clapping like: “that’s my skrunkly :) <3"

He literally interrupts his own cackle, its the most expressive youve ever seen him 

😶 😑 😶 ?????¿¿¿??¡¡?!!

HE WILL NOT STOP HARASSING U ABOUT WHAT IT MEANT LMAO

U usually define the words/memes as best u can but u specifically just call him that and never explain LOL

☆

🎵 HI. ITS ME. IM THE PROBLEM ITS ME. 🎵

SO SORRY ANON MY BEAUTY- I HOPE U CAN FORGIVE ME FOR TAKING SO LONG 🙏

I dont even mean just replying with a real thing^

I probably couldve posted ur ask w/o even adding onto it tbh

I dont think its anywhere near as chaotic as what u described but ya boy isnt the good at writing 😔

so i just focused on the memes 🤲

Have a good week anon :O !!

♡

Cheers,

🌒🌧🌊 💀Aquarius ♒️🌌🌘

♡the beloveds♡

@karmawonders / @0rah-s / @randomnatics / @glxssynarvi / @nexylaza / @genshin-impacts-me / @wholesomey-artist

[trevination]

I'm curious for marlie have you talked about how they got together? Or shared like a first kiss etc?? I'm actually so curious!

AHHH YESS!! well i havent posted about it but we've tapped about it on discord and AHHH its so important to me omg

okay so. they pine after each other for a WHILE. charlie has always known he's gay so he's just like "i wanna kiss this man so bad" but micah's just casually thinking "it feels like the sun has been brought into my life" and just. Not. realizing he likes him. charlie keeps trying to like hint to micah that he likes him and very casually flirt and show he's interested in him but micah is not fucking catching the hints, even as he's realizing he likes charlie romantically (and micah isn't like. scared or ashamed to be gay honestly he's like "that makes sense" but he knows how awful his life would be if people found out and he cant do that to his family). eventually, charlie's thinking like "oh maybe i've been reading this the wrong way" and he starts like pulling away from micah because he's trying not to hurt himself even more. and micah's just like "????? what? what happened did i do smth"

like u also need to know they are just casually So domestic and gay. like micah gets home from work in the evening and charlie is playing with rosie and messing with the twins and helping them with homework and making dinner. charlie spends Much more time at micah's house than his own (bc his grandparents are neglectful assholes who don't give a fuck abt him) and like. the number of times charlie has fallen asleep on micah on the couch or the times micah has tucked charlie in when he crashes at his house. and charlie subconsciously referring to the foster house as 'home' and charlie being the only person micah could ever be open with... ohh my god they make me sick

BUT back on topic. charlie isnt even being super distant, he's just not being as affectionate but its so abnormal micah's like "wtf" and confronts him, not wanting to lose the one person he has, the one thing in like he's so selfishly wanted. charlie is stuttering a bunch and trying to figure out what to say, because he cant tell anymore if micah likes him romantically but he's saying all this stuff about how he doesn't wanna lose charlie, and charlie stutters through telling him he likes him and-- as charlie's trying to explain, micah just realizes "I rlly love him" and charlie's stuttering comes to a pause as he's trying to figure out what to say and micah just... kisses him.

i imagine it's both of their first kisses, maybbeeee charlie kissed someone once in like middle school? but it's the first time there's ever been an actual emotional connection for either of them. sparks just fly. micah has never had someone to be so open with, weak around, and charlie has never had someone who genuinely Wanted him, who cared about him so personally. it's just. they don't even need to say anything. they just kiss each other and hug and lay down on the couch (this would def be nighttime when rosie and the twins (micah's siblings) are asleep) and just cuddle and kiss and giggle into each others faces . its so sweet and fluffy and charlie 100% cries

then. they wake up in the morning in each others arms and continue their morning routine. make breakfast, wake up the kids, charlie walks them to school then walks to the highschool, micah drives off for work, and they see each other again that evening.

sorry im yapping sm they make me SO SICK THEYRE SO !!!!!! EVERYTHINGG OH MY GODDD <33333 honestly most of what we think about them is. so fucking angsty like idk how much I've talked about charlie's jumping by the socs or what happens after charlie goes to college but... ugh. they mean so much to me they make me sickkkk

[lqfiles]

i need renjun to be my parental figure.. like rn… and like y/n needs to actuslly step up and confess or something like she needs to realize her delusions are real Σ(-᷅_-᷄๑)!!!! also im probably stupid but chenles beef w jisung is so….. like why r u mad…… is there gonna be some jaw dropping reveal that chenle likes mc and hes pissed at jisung for existing or…… idk maybe my brain is braining a tad too much (◞‸◟)… ANYWAYS‼️‼️ wait omg….

i doubt it but like what if jisung is like wait idk do i rlly like her???then becomes distant and then yn gets confused and then tweets something romantic-ish(?) with some1 (cough cough chenle bc of my last theory cough) and then jisung is like wait wtf nvm tjis man needs 2 stay in his lane!!!! and then ynsung endgame idk. SECOND ANYWAYS!!!!

sorry for rambling sm😔🙏 i hope ur doing wellll ilyy ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

- jaembunny anon (🐇)

RENJUN IS SOOO PARENTAL FIGURE especially with jisung and chenle, i remember that compilation of his showcasing asian mom behaviour like he is just so caring

and don’t worry y/n is going to step it up SOON trust, same for jisung he’s actually gonna be making big moves (at least big moves for him) and i’m also trying to make them more flirty hopefully

BRO CHENLES BEEF will be revealed soon too but it really isn’t that huge of a jaw dropping thing don’t worry (at least not that jaw dropping to me) who knows maybe he likes her 🤷🏽‍♀️

😭😭😭 YOU KINDA GOT MY PLOT RIGHT as in jisung WILL realise he is like totally into her and thinks about it too much (pretty sure that’s what i wrote down) but chenle isn’t involved but now you make me wanna change the plot omggg, let’s just say that’s he alternative ending

ily222 mwuah take care lovely

[seongminiz]

im hoping u recover soon!!! thank u tho !🫶🏻🫶🏻 love u 2 heh🤭🤭

im going insane real quick about hyeongjun sorry omg but just !!!! i need him so bad i read some things recently about another group as subs but like it inspired me cuz now i’m thinking about bringing hyeongjun everywhere like an accessory and if u bring him to dinner with u and ur friends and he gets bored :( he wants to go home :( so he starts touching you under the table, rubbing his fingers against ur panties and ur like swatting his hand away like stop, ur being bad 😠 and he’s just like stop what?? what do you want me to stop doing??

ugh im gonna🤬🤬🤬 he’s sooooo

so u give in and ur like alright let’s go then!! and u take him home or maybe u don’t even make it all the way, he’s ur passenger princess so u get to the car and you push him into the backseat and punish him there!! but now im also thinking of if u do get him home u fuck with him for a bit by just being like whatever it’s fine idc don’t worry about it and then later when ur just watching a movie or something, ur cuddling, you’d begin rubbing him through his sweats and pull his cock out to stroke it lazily and he’d quickly start whining and trying to rut his hips up into ur palm but you’d be like shush, stop, stop moving, watch the movie, so he’d try to obey but it’d be so hard he wouldn’t be able to help squirming at times and whimpering, you could maybe help him out by letting him suck on ur fingers while you stroke him but as you feel he gets closer and closer when u finally think he’s probably going to tip over the edge you tell him “don’t you dare cum” !!!!!

also. have u seen those matthew gym pics. im going (more) feral i need to ride him so bad wtf 🤬

- 🧁 anon

aaaaaa bratty spoiled hyeongjun who always wants to get his way even tho e knows hes going to get punished for it :( when for once u 'listen' to him n go home like nothing happened , no punishment or anything , he rlly thinks of it as a small win , tho he was looking forward to how you'd punish him (not that he'd ever admit that) .. so when u pull his cock out he'd be sooo conflicted bc a part of him knows this is his real punishment , n the other just wants to get lost in the feeling of your hand wrapped around him . he'll get so whiny n teary if u start edging him , drooling all over ur fingers as his mouth can barely keep them in bc he keeps moaning n begging u to let him cum :((

also yes !!! i saw them 👹👹👹 (wish i didnt tbh /j)

[wildtornado-o]

Forthing and Ferris for the character asks! :D

Ask Meme!!

Forthing

First Impressions - Unfortunately I don't remember too much of my initial impressions of him bcs they were so long ago BUT Vaguely. I can remember being like "Oh this poor new guy is probably not going to last long..." and then "They need to stop bullying this poor guy just because he's ugly." Basically just me thinking he was going to have something unfortunate happen to him like Laurence's other lieutenants had, and not wanting to get too attached jic despite liking him. I think I doodled him once but it didn't rlly look like him.

Opinion Now - I love him SO MUCH he's my dirty little alley cat my best friend who gets pushed in lockers my beloved slug that people keep stepping on <3 <3 He really deserves so much more love from the fandom methinks shfks he's so silly. I love how salty he is about his relationship with Tem when compared to Ferris' because like, it's so valid of him to feel like that but also you WERE rude to Laurence so like. Deserved but not for as long as it went on.

Favourite Moment - Either the scene where Laurence feels bad so he sends him off to search the island with Temeraire and finds turtle eggs and gets very happy about them and Tem is like "I cannot believe he is Talking to me EWWW" or the scene where he gets proposed to the Russian girl (I forgor her name) and She looks away like... erm... while her mom is amused and the other guy is laughing because everyone does Not think he is suitable. It's so sad tbh :(( this poor man. Always going through it.

Idea for a Story - Ok I'm not an author but I would love absolutely anything to include his son, this man is a Father I would love to see more content including that sdhfks

Unpopular Opinion - I don't know if I have any?? I just really really love him and (possibly?) think about him more than other people might. Also I think he is attractive. Sorry.

Favourite Relationship - His relationship with Ferris of course <3 <3 they're so kismesis coded LOL. I just think there are so many good antics that can come from them as enemies, friends, or lovers. Pretty boy Ferris and his mangy boyfriend. So O'Malley and Duchess coded to me.

Favourite Headcanon - I like giving him heterochromia sometimes. I also like the idea that he and Ferris are together but hide it under a guise of hating each other.

Ferris

First Impressions - I didn't think too much of him other than wanting to see more of him and Granby interacting because I'm a sucker for Lieutenants being friends. And then when he got dismissed the service I was like "Oh no!! Anyways-" and when he appeared again I literally forgot who he was UM. I am so bad at keeping track of characters I'm so sorry Ferris :((

Opinion Now - I love him and I feel so bad for him this poor poor boy. Congrats on the depressed dragon tho! I can't believe I forgot about his existence. If it helps make up my sins when I first read his name in my reread I was like "Omg!! Ferris!! Can't wait to see the horrors persist!" He's one of the characters who I just enjoy doodling thoughtlessly, much like Granby is.

Favourite Moment - UM either when he finds Laurence in Australia in hopes of working with him again (All of Laurence's crew are so loyal I love it sm (execpt for Martin. wtf Martin. And Dunne and Hackley ig)) or when Dyhern marries the woman he was into.

Idea for a Story - I'd love to see more of him and his family, maybe their reactions to him being dismissed. I know they were disappointed in him but I would like to see what exactly went down.

Unpopular Opinion - I also don't think I have any for this. Idk if it's unpopular but something about his ending was a little unsatisfactory to me tho.

Favourite Relationship - His relationship with Laurence, I love it so much. Guy who has no hopes of being brought back in to the service because of the reasons he was dismissed, yet chooses to be with his Former Captain anyways, because he was that much of a wonderful captain to him. His relationship with Forthing is a close second.

Favourite Headcanon - He and Granby are close friends and like to hang out together. I just really love the idea of them being besties.

[tfw-no-tennis]

beest warbs s2

andddddd ruth and i finished s2!!

new opening! which is mostly just clips from the s1 finale

ok i guessed that optimus would come back bc like, duh. but i was surprised that he didnt come back like, Instantly 

the new transmetal forms............................ugliy

sorry bhjsdkrhfjkasfk i dont like them....i cant believe im saying it but i prefer the cgi animals from s1 😩 it made sense! it tied into the premise of the show! now theyre just these weird shiny robo-animals...who also can fly and drive around and stuff...nah fam that aint it

cheetor doesnt even have freckles anymore 😭

also as the season went on the whole ‘energon shorts out robot forms, which necessitates beast forms’ thing was kinda quietly dropped, which doesnt make 100% sense since not that many characters got the transmetal forms

the funniest fucking thing is that the s2ep1 summary was literally just ‘terrorsaur and scorponok fucking die’ and THAT WAS IT hjdfksjkfjadfhjlad ruth and i saw that and were like HUH???

and honestly their deaths were so abrupt and unceremonious that i seriously would not have even known they had Legit Died if it hadnt been for that summary. i literally wouldve thought that theyd just end up going in a CR chamber and it wouldve been confusing as hell when they didnt come back lmaooooo

so yeah rip beta cuck and diet diet starscream lite i guess

ok and ep 2 was wild, with dinobot going on ANOTHER Shakespeare soliloquy spree, and then all that western stuff at the end??????

that was so fucking weird and hilarious. wtf 

also have i mentioned...i love dinobot. dramatic gay bitch 

also....new characters! silverbolt and quickstrike are here to quickly replace terrorsaur and scorponok lmaoooo

why does quickstrike have a southern accent when the south doesnt even exist yet as a cultural region

i love how immediately obvious it was that silverbolt was not gonna stay a predacon for long lmao

and then optimus primal returns!! looking wack as FUCK 

hvhakjdfnbskjdf sorry but i dont like his new look at all lmao. he looks weird as hell in both robot mode and “beast” mode, and im not into the whole flying snowboard thing...whats that abt

when dinobot rode around on rattrap vjhsdlfjkashdbhfjk that was so fucking funnyyyy

i cant get over megatrons new form w/the Evil Rollerskates™ thats just. so much lmaooooo but also mood bc if i could i would totally have built-in rollerskates 

did yall know i love tarantulas....that gay mad scientist bitch is hilarious

also i knew ahead of time that silverbolt and blackarachnia have a Thing but it was still soooo Much when they fought and then silverbolt refused to hit her bc shes a girl bsvdkjnfasndf

ruth: OH MY GOD HES A SIMP

ok and the ep where dinobot goes back to the predacons...bro...and everything w/the golden disk too?? that was wild 

ALSO I CANT BELIEVE AIRAZOR AND TIGATRON GOT FUCKING KIDNAPPED??? HELLO????

are they like. coming back? ever????? that was just It for them this season uhhhh so i guess we’ll have to hope they return in s3? omg

also quick shoutout to the infamous japanese dub of beast wars which accidentally made some canon gays by making airazor a dude. great job guys 

ohhhh my god when theres that alien ship thing and megatron is in it and then a big version of his face appears on the side of the ship? horrible

also i feel like beast wars megatron spends half his screentime sitting in various chairs...even when he went into that alien ship he ended up finding a big fancy chair to sit in

so yeah all that alien stuff was WILD. we still know so little abt them so im rlly interested to see if more will come up in s3 (im assuming at least a little since airazor and tigatron have to come back). like, are we gonna learn what theyre trying to do on earth? what they look like? etc?

ok silverbolt is always talking abt how blackarachnia is a good maximal on the inside and she just needs to embrace it etcetc, to me it feels like he’s a religious guy whos trying to get the girl he likes to accept jesus into her heart so they can be together hbvhajkdhbfhjksd sorry 

also silverbolt is hilarious. he’s like, a hammy simp. the way he talks is rlly entertaining lol

also theyve been namedropped a couple times so far, but what the heck is up w/the maximal council or whatever? they seem to be the ones in charge of the maximals (and presumably cybertron?), but we know literally nothing abt them...im curious

ooomg and rampage...everything w/rampage was sooo fucked like him being basically immortal is wild, and then he showed up and was tearing shit up all over the place, and then megatron fucking...removed his spark and was like You Work For Me Now. daymmmm that was so fucked up 

and he seemed to calm down after the first ep so i was like mannn i wish they would address the whole thing where megatrons controlling him - tho the maximals dont even seem to know abt it, they probably just think rampage joined them on his own. oof

and lbr even if they did know, they probably wouldnt be super motivated to free him since rampage attacked them previously, and likely wouldnt join the maximals even if given the choice

oh my god okay hold up i cant forget that DINOBOT FUCKING DIED i cant fucking believe it mate. GOD

i miss that gay moron 😔

also aside but the pre-human monkey people look soooo fucking janky hbvajkdhfjkhsdf god. so bad im sorry

oh my god and the whole thing w/the golden disc saying ‘sounds of earth...’ ruth and i saw that inscription earlier in s2 and ruth was like ‘oh isnt that a real thing, they sent out the Voyager probe into space w/a disc that has different sounds from nature and music and stuff on it called ‘sounds of earth” AND THEN THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT THIS WAS...

i thought that was so cool, the fact that the golden disc could basically be used to look into the future...and then alter the future accordingly

its also super cool that the writers used something from REAL LIFE in the story in such a way. like, thats cool as hell, and idk much media that does so

especially bc beast wars is one of very few transformers series to not include any human characters (discounting the monkey pre-humans), so this is a really cool way to involve humanity without having any recurring human cast members

when dinobot nearly committed seppuku...uhm jesus bro

and then when he fought off all the predacons ALONE, and then FUCKING DIED...that was legit sad as hell...like he kept almost going into stasis lock but kept overriding it which was gonna kill him and AUGH

and then when the maximals show up as he’s dying...mannnn

and his last words - “and the rest is silence.” poetic and quoting Shakespeare until the literal end I see

basically that episode was fucking brutal but also really good. phew

AND THEN ITS FOLLOWED UP BY THE TRANSMUTATE EPISODE...ruth and i watched these two eps back to back in one night and afterwards we were basically braindead. that was A Lot 

the transmutate ep HHHHH where to even start

ok so transmutate...the whole story was just fucking tragic but also. TERRIFYING...

like this ep gave me the same vibes that i got when i watched the movie ET in like 4th grade and got scared as hell 

like, i am a Full Grown Adult and NOT ONLY THAT i had a job in a cadaver lab for like 5 YEARS so i generally am not easily scared but holy SHIT this episode legit unsettled me liiiike

the design and animation (and voice acting) on transmutate were like....terrifying oh my god. like, the way she(?) moved was so scary, with the slow movements and just, everything w/the neck/head....AUGH

and that like, pained screech she did ???? that was just horrible oh my god

anyways literally ruth and i spent this entire ep just like, cowering and yelling out of fear lmao. i went outside in the dark later and i swear i saw transmutate in the shadows. terrifying

in terms of the plot of the ep, that shit was fucked up. it basically amounted to silverbolt and rampage fighting over transmutate w/little regard for transmutate as a person, and ending w/her dying. which was fucked btw

and the fact that everyone was like ‘oh yea transmutate basically doesnt count as an alive sentient being’ was messed up bc they came to that conclusion very quickly and with only a small amount of data....messed up. also messed up is how the maximals suggested putting transmutate in like, a medically induced coma basically, bc she was a freak of nature. which may be true but STILL, that probably violates some ethical laws. arent yall supposed to be the good guys?!

also rampage trying to befriend and save transmutate was sad...especially knowing his circumstances w/megatron and stuff. just Ls all around

ok this cuts off abruptly but thats all folks ig vbajdkfbjksdf

[beheadable]

PLS tell me more about your ship with Mickey!! It’s so cool that you ship with him!! 🥹💖

(I ship with Danny from Dead by Daylight so GHOSTFACE SOLIDARITY 🤧)

Omg the worst noise just came out of my throat in excitement lol wtf. GHOSTFACE SOLIDARITY!! I’m happy bouncing AHHH 💙💙 Danny is SO cool to!!

SO sorry it took me so long to get to this, the days are getting away from me and I’ve been too tired to really talk much 😭

OKAY UH, so, um, ahhhh I’m still so embarrassed to talk about himmm he’s SO cute and SO hot where do I even start? We met in collageeee, two crazy film students made 4 each other lol <3 I kinda had a crush on him for a long while but I’m horrible at approaching people and just want to keep to myself so it was like, months before we officially spoke. Fun fact! We were both totally obsessed with each other in those months. Um, I have no clue yet how we started dating lol, but we’ve been besties for a while now .

Weekly movie nights have been our thing for literally ever since b4 dating, I like to bake stuff for ‘em and we alternate between who picks the movies + who’s place we watch them at. Ummmm picknicks to actually. Somewhere nice and secluded either for lunch or in the middle of the night, I also, love to bake for this. If there’s one thing you need to know about me is that I love to bake and so do all my inserts, it’s also like a love language or smth (also I bake killer pies, like seriously, to die for) Also on movies, date nights are usually us going to the cinema weekly and getting cheap food after while we talk about the movie

Yeahhh it’s a little bit of mutual obsessiveness but it works, really well actually. He’s rlly possessive but that’s kinda a given, I’m not so much BUT I do get a little jealous. Only a little. And it’s only bc he’s super cute and hot and like, well sometimes he gets flirted with and :( We actually get closer after I find out about his. Murderous tendencies. It’s chill, and like, kinda hot ngl. It’s right after I figure it all out that I give him my necklace, it’s uhhhhhh sign of devotion . . . *hiding in my hands*

We’re kind of like, each other’s muses, and so annoying about it. We’re also just annoying in general being obnoxious besties that get 10x worse once we start dating and you add pda to the mix .

Honestly I haven’t been shipping with him long enough to get into the real juicy long term stuff, marriage, living together, and all sorts of domestic things, grocery shopping is one of my favs to think about usually . . . And cooking. Anyway yeah most the stuff is just, two collage students going on dates and being cute and shit

My fav headcanon I’ve ever seen for him is that he’s a taurus, I’m a taurus to!! We’re super compatible I guess and 🥺 idk that makes me lose it, like we’re meant to be. And that’s kinda the big feeling with us!! That we’re meant to be, a perfect match. And though we both agree it’ll be quite awhile before we actually tie the knot, we wanna spend our lives together . . .

[jayflrt]

HELLO ALICEEEE MY BEAUTIFUL BABYYYYYYY IT'S MEEE 💛💛💛💛 wedding anon ....

WTFFF U GRADUATED?????? IM SO SO SOOO MADD PROUD OF U WTFF and omg i saw ur reply to my anon thingy a while ago omg.. i genuinely hope u enjoy with ur hometown friends that u missed 😕😕 LAWDDDD this is so Wierd to Say but i actually am soo proud of u like for real.. my silly pookie bear..

life update from my side 😁😁😁😁 i moved into the girls dormitory now like recently ish AND OH MY GODDD SO MUCH HAPPENED IT'S INSANE but godbless my roommates...

i will Now be elaborating 😁😁

so basically there's this girl (not one of my roommates) like from another dorm (calling her #2 dorm) right and we're like kind of friends but not really cause idk it's just off with her but i like brushed it off RIGHT but it's okay because most of the time my gut is like wrong so i move on

ok so as i moved in etc etc i noticed i was losing stuff and i thought i was just careless with some stuff right??? but i kept on losing stuff like my lipbalms and other things and it was so creepy so i asked my roommates about it and one of my roommate who's a senior had a doubt on the #2 dorm and tbh i got suspicious too..? so i was like randomly talking to her and i ask her if she has my lipstick that i lent to her (i never even did that because i fucking hate sharing makeup and skin care products) and she was like "yeah i have it back at my room" MOTHERFUCKER??????? GODDD I GOT SOO MAD PISSED LIKE WHAT DO U MEAN U HAVE IT WITH U?????? SO I TOLD HER ILL TAKE IT IN THE EVENING AND SHE WAS LIKE OK!! and i told my roomie about it (the senior) right and she's so perfect i tell u ...

ok so i go to her room to get it and fucking hell i actually saw some of my stuff lying around and then i told her that i never gave it to her right and holy shit u should've actually seen her SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO DENY IT WTFFF

moving on 🙏🏻🙏🏻 my roomie was with me when i went to take my shit right AND SHE FUCKING MANAGED TO LOCK HER OUT OF HER ROOM ?????? and i finally found the missing stuff it's actually insane

but yes that's what happened recently 😁❤️

ok but aside from that i genuinely hope ur taking care and also omg i've been reading ur new heeseung fic oh stoners... (Love) i fucking love how he's so pathetic actually he's my spiritual Heir.. ur actually so insane to think of shit like that like ur humour needs to be studied like i need to be neuron in ur head to understand how ur so fucking funny to come up with shit like that ..

OK CONTINUATION i really really hope ur ok like our 3 year parasocial relationship has been soo strong... take care my beloved 💛💛 and i genuinely hope all good things come to u my angel ur the intrusive thought at the back of my head actually... 🤍🤍 kidding i love u and stay happy lovie <3

(sorry it's too long 😕)

- wedding anon

HELLOOOO WEDDING ANON 🥰💖 always a pleasure to see you in the ask box !! i hope you’re doing well and that life’s treating you good 🥹

also yes i’ve graduated!!!! IT FEELS GOOD THANK YOU :’) i’m really so happy to hear the words “im proud of u” u have no idea ☹️💖🫶 and honestly i was feeling eh about moving back but i’ve been having so much fun with my friends here <33

I HOPE MOVING IN WENT SMOOTHLY !! ALSO TEA?? 🤭 WAIT. NOT TEA. STRAIGHT UP THEFT??? OH MY GOD?:??/??:? wait no yeah what the hell??? 😭 why is she taking your stuff without asking?? and i feel like it’s worse to take makeup bc people don’t like sharing their makeup with people they don’t want using it :// like it’s stuff that goes on ur face u don’t wanna mix that idk ,, but WTF SHE HAD MULTIPLE ITEMS OF YOURS??:? she is a klepto omg you gotta RUN 😭😭 i hope everything’s okay with her as in you’ve dropped her or she’s stopped !! but i’m glad you managed to get your stuff back :’)

AHAHHA omg thank you for reading my smau love, i’m rlly glad you like it bc it’s been so fun to make 🤩 PLEASEE i just think of stuff at random and write them in a notes app to save for later in the smau but now the notes app is getting smaller 😭😭

the 3 year parasocial relationship HAS been strong omg you’re an og…. 💪 but i hope you’re having fun and taking care wedding anon 🥰🥰 fill me in whenever you want and no need to apologize at all for living ur life !!! 🌷🌷

[maiverie]

NAH BC I STRUGGLED W THE RỒI XONG GÒY SOQ like i lived in the south when i was little so after i moved to my hometown (south central) my accent kinda changed 😭😭 i didn't notice it until i was teased cuz of it. also i feel like some new viet gen z slangs came from their pronunciation in some regions (like rồi xong and gòy soq)? could be just from my pov tho...

fr whenever i hear people use new slangs i just feel so old like 👵 for ex instead of trời ơi/ giời ơi it's u là trời, trà xanh (literally green tea) 🍵 or tiểu tam is for the unwelcomed 3rd in a relationship, and là X chưa? for sarcasm, etc. like compared to my siblings and classmates i look and act qualified for the retirement home 🥲🥲

IT'S FR A PAIN THAT I STILL HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I CAN DO JUST TO GRADUATE ALONE CUZ EVERYTHING'S A MESS LAWD SAVE ME 🙏😭💥💥

AND YOU'RE VISITING NEXT YEAR HAVE FUN NHA CHỊ !!! but like 10-12 years... like things are gonna be like so different (obv but yk) cuz i left the city where i lived for 4 years and when i visited it for summer vacation everything was so new and like the mall expanded, new restaurants,... but nonetheless it still had that nostalgic feeling to it 😚

MOSQUITOS. FKING MOSQUITOS. LIKE EXCUSE MY FRENCH BUT THEY'RE THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE 👹👹👹 ESPECIALLY IN SUMMER‼️(MATCH MADE IN HELL EVEN)

IVE SEEN THEM AND LIKE THE NEW HAIR COLORS AJDNJWNWNSJ 🪦🥀 my enha bias 👩‍🦯👩‍🦯 (nah cuz i struggle) but i think im leaning towards jake? (idk it's just the golden retriever boys 😗) for aespa i listen to their title tracks and some b-sides but still when they came to VN it's obv a huge thing BUT LIKE. NINGNING PHOTOS ON IG 😻😻 AND LMAO QUỲNH THƠ'S GOOGLE TRANSLATE STRUGGLE 🤭🤣

mỗi lần chị reply là đọc xong em vui lắm luôn á so tysm 💕🩵🫶🫶 AND YOU TOO !! ❣️

- em anon ☆

OHHHHH OMG 😭😭 i see what u mean omg ngl i cant understand most people who speak w thick northern accents AT ALL so sometimes when i see new slang i’m like ??? what ?? 😭😭😭

AND IF U FEEL OLD THEN WTF DOES THAT MAKE MEEEE ANON SHUSHHHH 💀💀💀 and trà xanh…. wow wtf HOW DOES THAT EVEN CORRELATE THATS CRAZYYYY but pawp off vietnam ‼️‼️

NOO ROOTING FOR U HEHEHE besides uni is the time to trial and error anyways so don’t feel too pressured about picking one thing since u can always change ‼️ there is ALWAYS time idgaf what anyone says 😽🫶

omg i’m rly rlly excited 😭😭😭 I THINK VN HAS CHANGED SM TOOOO like economically and everything it’s def on the rise so i’m rlly excited to see how that’s changed (hopefully) in terms of quality of living and stuff 🥹🥹🩷🩷 i have fam in diff cities too so i’ll probably hop around everywhere HEHHEE BUT IM MOST EXCITED FOR THE FOOD LIKE DAMNN 😭😭 everything here in aus is LACKING so ☹️

OMG STAWPPP JAKE IS UR BIAS THAYS SO CUTE ???? wait he suits u so well 😭😭 for some reason i thought u were a hee stan idk BUT JAKE MAKES PERF SENSE🥹🥹 like he’s so bubbly and kind and gentleman-ly AND YOURE JUST SO KIND AND CUTE TOO 😭🩷🫶

IM SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY BUT I LOVE U THE MOST I HOPE UVE BEEN STAYING SAFE CUTIE 😽😽😽💛

[cherrysnax]

hi cheri!!!! just wanted to say that it's really really nice to see you get excited about creating art, really warms my heart that you're so passionate about it, about getting better at it, about making cool stuff 💕 whenever i see your posts on my dash about how you're trying new things and practicing and idk. idk art language but like the fact you're also trying not to be too hard on yourself is great to see, your art is great and as with anyone else's it can and will improve especially bc you want it to so much but you're already doing well and sorry this got long help i just wanted to say it's cool to see you excited about art!!! 🩵🩵

NICOOO sorry for getting to this so late, i just saw this asdfghj this is so sweet wtf!!! omg i dont even know what to say this ask makes me so happy,, i dont rlly post art on here like that anymore because ive grown extremely insecure about it, but like u said im trying to not beat myself up over it because self-hatred is like the enemy of improvement!!! thank you so mch for the encouragement and support <333333

[withloveajaxx]

for the ask game!! cinnamon, mauve, blush, fuchsia, lavender, umber, razzmatazz, safron YES <3

IVE MISSED U TOO ☹️💗 & TELL YOU EVERYTHING?? OMG OKOK (it’s mainly me being sad tho bc life is unfair)

I’ve been doing alright, the two times I moved blogs tho,, it had to do w personal problems & some people had the audacity to send in asks that they rlly shouldn’t have bc it made me so damn uncomfortable and it was not helping w my current state so I left :,) THE SECOND TIME I LEFT WAS ALSO BC OF MY PROBLEMS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE and everything was going downhill and I needed a break + people were still making me uncomfortable w their asks (turned them off before I left again) I had accidentally deleted my only moots blog which I had to replace but using the same url (@yonayie pls my layla theme was so cool I miss it) I then deleted my other blog and moved here!! away from the trolls!! and weirdos who can’t comprehend the fact that I’m a minor!!

I spent my Christmas and new years on the verge of tears, it was not fun 😭 my house started flooding on Christmas and it scared the shit out of me!!! & on new years?? i cried bc 2022 was an ass and sm happened it was terrible & we didn’t set off fireworks like we used to so that sucked :,)

school has been a PAIN. I’m a complete loner so that makes everything harder 😭 & my math teacher? literally how did he get hired he cannot teach to save his life he’s so unfair too it’s CRAZY HNGJSJWIJE the only way I get a passing grade is if I self-study and do rlly well on the end of course test in april (which is getting dangerously close im not ready) I dislike my drama teacher 👨‍🏫 I’m okay with my environmental sci teacher + history teacher theyre chill 🤞the workload is manageable so I think I’ll be able to get all of my credits most def!!

oh oh my birthday is on the 27th!! yes this friday pls im not sure if I’ll be able to do anything for it but if not it’s okay <3 (it’d be the 3rd year not celebrating it which is why I’m so chill abt it that’s so sad 😭)

wow omg that’s sm word vomit pls!! why has my life been so depressing I cannot!! i just hope this year doesn’t treat me as badly!! PRAYS 🙏

okay now ur turn TELL ME EVERYTHINGGG <33 (everything that u can ofc 💓)

STOP WAIT,,, I INSPIRE YOU??? HELP WHY DOES THAT MAKE MY DAY WTF YONA PLEASE ILYSM 💗💗

also omg that's a lot that happened in your absence,,, FIRST OF ALL, i will willingly beat up life and people for you i swear,,, those weirdos better watch out for these hands >:((. secondly, i'm sorry that school, christmas, and new year were a pain in the butt :((. i hope everything gets better for you!! and ofc if you need anyone to talk to, i'll do my best to reply mwah 🫶

AND OMG okay what's been happening in my life,,, i'll put this under a cut so ppl don't need to scroll for too long HAHDJXJSJD

OKAY SO FIRST OF ALL... COLLEGE APPLICATIONS. good god those humbled me HAHDJKDKSD LYK I AM ACTUALLY STUPID 💀 the one i recently took was so fucking hard it was not even funny,,, like they put shit i've never learned, heard of, or saw and it was HORRIBLE. i was literally guessing everything math related please pray for my future </33 HAHDJDJKD.

ALSO!! I GOT INTO KPOP MORE AGAIN HEHEHEHE. i recently went to a concert of one of my favorite groups and holy shit. i cried. like so many times. HAHDJCKDF IT WAS CRAZY GETTING TO SEE THEM IRL AND I JUST AAAAAAAAJSKCIISJD 😭😭 i'm also seeing another group next week,,, MY ULTIMATE FAVORITE ONE. and i shit you not i am not mentally or emotionally prepared to see those men up close and on stage HSJFKDKDD

also yea school was a bitch 💀 tons of freeloaders and horrible teachers but yk what,,, i got my report today and i passed so it's okay HAHSJFKKDD. also i'm graduating soon and that's kinda scary n idk how to cope but yes 😭 i'm just hoping for the best and giving it my all HSHDJKKFF

BUT THAT'S BEEN ABOUT IT FOR ME,,, HOPING 2023 IS GOOD TO US <33

also nah i'm making sure your birthday will be somewhat special <33 gonna hold a tumblr party n give u a lil something I SWEAR 💗

[sk3tch404]

Now let's get to the OC I've been waiting to introduce for while now, Tiger! 😏

https://imgur.com/a/oHeiBcs

So funfact: She's actually the first OC we made together, so she'd probably also be the first LI you'd encounter ingame and yeah she a gurlllllll cuz the LIs are mixed genders <33

Here's her essay excerpt:

Tiger

She seems to be a more 'in the Moment' type of Girl, doesn't rlly strike me as a type that would settle down, also strikes me as s low maintenance girl that prioritises freedom in a relationship, wouldn't really get jealous that quick, and especially not that kind of intensely jealous, to me at least. Tbh she's just a really "u do u bro" type of girl I think

And my friends list:

tiger girl

- party girl

- alcoholic

- fun, energetic

- pretty much no money, asks/begs Betta Fish for money to go out N party, once again

- pretty much a homie

- loud

- no sugar coating

bad end: runs off w ya money

Her relationship with hyena is more like "ayyyy i know you :D", cause they tend to frequent the same parties, she's not a drug addict though, or at least not as much as Hyena is. Fr i think if she actually got to know him on a deeper level, she'd probably dislike him oof-

Also you'll definitely see a pattern going on between our female LIs compared to the male LIs LMAOO

Us when writing male LIs: aight, so what kinda 🥺 is he this time?

Us when writing most female LIs: women 😍<333333

-Ren'py anon

ZOO WEE MAMA 😍😍😍

Mommy? Sorry, mommy? Sorry... Mommy?

OH EM GEE IF THIS WAS REALLY A GAME I WOULD DEF PURSUE HER <3 SO PRETTY AND IS PROB SO FRIENDLYYYY

Omg she sounds so fun to hang with, but if i pursued her in game and she was hanging with other goons i def get jelly. Like girlie this is a dating sim and ur my LI WTF ARE YOU DOING??? But that's just me lol

But I'm glad Tiger is superrrr chill and would let me live life 🙌

Party girl? Alcoholic? Fun and energetic? A homie? No money? Loud? Honest? Runs off with money? Wow sounds a lot like my cousins /hj

NO BUT FR SHE'S MY DREAM GIRL. I COULD TREAT HER BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. I'M KINDA MYSTERIOUS AND QUIET, SO I COULD BE LIKE HER STRESS RELIEVER FRIEND AFTER ALL THE CHAOS 💞

Gosh I love people who are super friendly and don't know what awkward stages are. "Ayyy ik you." LIKE HI BE MY FRIEND 4EVER PLZ I WILL NEVER LEAVE UR SIDE.

And yeah, if she really knew Hyena she wouldn't know how to handle all of that misery. Whether it be lack of emotional knowledge or she just don't rock with people like that too much.

My poor bby Hyena... I'll be your friend 💔

THE DIFF FOR MALE AND FEMALE OCS IS SO TRUEEEEE. ALl of my male ocs are like, "Okay what issues and fucked up actions are we getting you today?" and my female ocs are just like, "Omg girl you are so beautiful and independent even with your hardships!11!!1! Slay girlboss!"

Like sorry I like to write my fem ocs as if they were real women bc women in fictional media are only used as either a LI or for plot relavence most of the time.

But for my male ocs... Yeah y'all are getting thrown into the thirst bin for my mentally ill bitches.

Btw who is this Betta Fish fellow 🧐sounds a lot like the OC you were talking abt last time... Or not idk. I SHALL KNOW THEM SOON ENOUGH.

[the-pontiac-bandit]

and the dish ran away with the spoon

okay. here it is. if you’ve been wondering why i’ve been posting about geese for so long, this is why. it’s The Goose AU. based on this joke prompt sent to me by the lovely @lovelycraters (who also drew ABSOLUTELY AMAZING ART for this that imma make her post asap). all the thanks to @startofamoment, who helped me world-build and egged me on from a dumb 3-sentence response to this and to @jakelovesamy for listening to me whine and googling yacht clubs in nyc and obscure latvian dishes. and to @wrenjamin​ who has listened to me develop a severe goose phobia over the past several weeks THOSE THINGS HAVE T E E T H YALL 

For Terry, it was a falcon. A dark, oversized, absolutely majestic (at least, according to Terry) bird landed on his windowsill every day for a week, disappearing as he got dressed in the morning, until Sunday morning, when it tapped on his window gently with its beak, asking for entry. It led him to the farmers’ market, where he bumped into Sharon, also in line to buy locally-sourced honey.

For Charles, it was a dog, a mutt who ran up and started humping his leg in the middle of the grocery store. It wasn’t until he’d taken the dog home, when none of his neighbors seemed aware of its presence, that Charles realized that this particular stray was meant to lead him to his soulmate. Twelve days later, on a walk, the dog dragged him to an exotic food truck he’d been in search of for almost a year, where Genevieve was doling out Latvian frikadelu zipa.

For Gina, it was a panther, large and sleek. It twined around her legs for a day, prompting her to frequently and dramatically strut around the precinct, bragging about jeweled collars and fur as smooth and voluminous as her own perfectly-conditioned hair. The squad resisted the urge to point out that none of the rest of them could appreciate the apparent magnificence of the panther – Gina may live her life out loud, but they’d never seen her this transparently happy. That night, the panther accompanied her to watch a dark, curly mane of hair win a motorcycle race for which her love was the prize.

Given these experiences, Jake is fully prepared for a majestic, dignified lone wolf. Obviously, it would be large enough for him to ride like a horse straight to Diamond Point Yacht Club, where a gorgeous speedboat model would be lounging in the sun, her own wolf napping beside her.

These expectations are why, when a goose lands in his passenger seat on a mundane overcast Monday morning, Jake’s first emotion is annoyance.

Cursing his windows, which never close, he tries to shoo the bird away. This is far from his first unwanted avian passenger – pigeons seem to be regularly attracted to the various unhealthy delicacies that sit in his glove console – so he’s become an expert at shooing birds out the window one-handed with his eyes on the road.

Much to his deep annoyance, the goose won’t leave.

That should have tipped him off, he tells everyone later. Terry reminds him that hindsight is 20/20, Gina tells him that any true dazzledove would have known instantly, and all he can think is that he should have gotten more sleep – maybe then he would have put things together quickly enough to make a better decision.

Instead of embracing this goose, who was nuzzling affectionately at his elbow resting on the console, Jake chooses a less advisable course of action. At the stoplight ten blocks from the precinct, he grabs it and dumps it unceremoniously into the bike lane.

He hears its squawks as he drives off, and he spares a moment to be thankful that he won’t have to keep listening to it – the loud, nasal squawks were ruining his already-awful Monday morning.  

It isn’t until he gets in the elevator to head up to work – only ten minutes late today – that he realizes he made a mistake. That’s when the goose reappears, standing next to him. He sees it, notices that not one other cop waiting for the elevator to come has reacted to the very large goose standing in the crowd, and starts to wonder. And then, it bites his ankle – hard, with a shockingly sharp set of teeth – and he groans aloud.

He’s not at all surprised when the goose hops into his lap before Terry starts the morning briefing. He’s doing his best to ignore this highly unfortunate development – he has no desire at all to admit to Gina that his wolf (which he’d already named Vendetta) had been replaced by an intrusive, vicious goose. Seeming to sense his thoughts, the goose hops up, beating its wings in his face so hard that he tips his chair backwards. Jake’s indignant shouts and flailing arms, swatting at something no one else can see, as well as the resulting crash when his chair tips backwards, leaving Jake lying on the floor with a goose sitting triumphantly on his chest (who knew geese were this heavy) is impossible to ignore. Charles is hovering over Jake, concerned about bruises and broken bones and bruises and brush burns – “They’re no joke, Jakey! You could scar that perfect skin!” – Jake decides to come clean.

“So, my animal may have…dropped in this morning,” he mumbles.

Charles gasps, tears springing to his eyes at the idea that his best friend will finally meet the love of his life.

Terry, from the front of the room whoops. “What is it? Come on – spill! You know Terry loves love!”

Gina, reclining with her feet in a beat cop’s lap and her nose in her phone in the back of the room, looks up. “Oh, goose!” she exclaims.

“Yup, that’s it. Did you guys know geese are the worst?” Jake mutters darkly, unceremoniously dumping the aforementioned goose on the ground as he stands up, brushing off his wrinkled flannel and showing Charles he’s still alive.

“What’s it?” Charles asks, a little confused. “Jakey, do you have a concussion? I didn’t even think to worry about a concussion!”

Charles is trying to make Jake follow his finger as he waves it wildly around Jake’s line of vision, and the chaos is all too much, and the goose is pecking at his toes through his shoes, as if testing to see if they’re edible. It’s a lot – especially for 9:21 in the morning.

He sighs. This was not how this was supposed to go. “My animal is a goose. A really mean goose,” he adds with a pointed look at his foot.

Terry smiles affectionately and starts babbling about personalities and animals and birds and the beauty of finding your match, and Charles starts to sob uncontrollably, talking about happiness and futures and the majestic nature of Vendetta the goose (Jake immediately regrets telling Charles the intended name of his wolf. Vendetta the goose sounds much less badass, much to his dismay). Gina just laughs.

Jake shuts his eyes, trying to pretend that the morning isn’t happening. Tragically, the goose, which has flown up to perch uncomfortably on top of his head, isn’t particularly interested in allowing him to forget.

It takes nearly twenty minutes to calm down Charles, with Terry holding him (a few tears leaking out of his own eyes as Charles sobs happily into his shirt, suspenders clutched in both hands). Gina live-tweets the whole thing. Jake wants someone to sink into the floor – whether he’d rather it be him or the goose, he truly isn’t sure.

Jake’s awful morning doesn’t improve as it progresses. Charles, sitting in the desk across from him, keeps staring at him for truly weird amounts of time, with a starry look in his eyes. He puts Genevieve on speakerphone, where they shout loudly about the beauty of new love over the din of angry Latvian construction workers placing their lunch orders.

Jake doesn’t make it out on any cases. His life has stalled over the appearance of the goose – he can’t concentrate on his cases, and the goose ate his X, H, and A keys while he was at lunch, so his progress on paperwork is slow and riddled with far more spelling errors than usual. Finally, mercifully, his shift ends, and he’s allowed to leave his desk, now covered in goose feathers that only he can see (there are so many feathers he’s convinced the goose must be pulling them out and putting them there on purpose, but he can’t prove it to anyone else).

Jake directs his car out of the parking lot and onto the street. Then, he pulls the goose onto his lap. “Okay. I can’t ride you, but you’re going to have to show me where this person is somehow. Try driving?”

The goose honks (Jake already hates this noise more than he hates listening to Charles talk about Genevieve’s hair) and grabs the steering wheel with its beak. Briefly, Jake is encouraged. Maybe the goose will drive and Jake can find whatever nerd he’s supposed to end up with (seriously, who ends up with a goose as their animal, he wonders sourly, pointedly ignoring the fact that he, too, has a goose as his animal). Then, exactly twenty yards into his experiment, the goose jerks the car right, doing his best to run them onto the sidewalk.

Jake slams on the brakes, coming to a screeching halt in the shoulder of the street, mere inches from a very solid-looking mailbox. He mutters a string of curses under his breath as he looks around on the street for another goose, hoping beyond hope that his goose turned right to find his match, rather than out of sheer malice. The lack of other people battling mean geese, as well as the self-satisfied expression on the face of his passenger, suggest otherwise.

Jake repeats the experiment twice more, on side streets where he’s less likely to accidentally hit a pedestrian. First, the goose tries to run him into a lamp post. Then, a giant statue of a teddy bear advertising a nearby toy store. Finally, Jake decides that geese must not be able to drive. When he releases his companion, the goose jumps, flapping his wings in Jake’s face (he gets a smelly mouthful of feathers when he protests) before heading for the passenger seat. For half a second, Jake thinks he’s headed out the still-open window, and his heart leaps. It’s only been eight hours and thirty-nine minutes, but Jake would already commit to a life of solitude where he never found a soulmate if that life lacked geese.

Unfortunately, the goose just lands on the interior door handle, lengthening his neck out the window and sticking his tongue out to catch the breeze like a very white, very feathery, very mean dog. Jake sighs and turns the car around to drive home – if he has to deal with the goose, he at least wants pizza and Die Hard to help.

Pizza and Die Hard do help, but only marginally. The goose dives in and licks a full half of the pizza before Jake can even touch it. Much to Jake’s frustration when he tries to feed the goose the spoiled pieces, geese don’t even seem to like pizza – apparently this particular goose just wanted to spite him. Then, the goose sits on the remote (Jake swears it’s on purpose) and turns off the TV thirty-eight minutes into the movie. Jake doesn’t really mind having to start it over – the first thirty-eight minutes are eternally rewatchable, but he’s still mad at the goose on principle.

Finally, mercifully, it’s time for bed. Jake manages to save his toothbrush from the goose, who has decided it would be an excellent idea to sit on Jake’s bathroom counter, carefully positioning its rear end over all of Jake’s toiletries. He also manages to save his favorite academy t-shirt from the goose, who grabs it for a game of tug-of-war. He manages to settle the goose in the hallway (an extended process that involves the sacrifice of several old t-shirts for a goose bed and a sprint for his bedroom door, which he locks, breathing hard after the sprint down the hall and hoping beyond hope that magical animals are unable to charm locks open), and he goes to bed, hoping that either his soulmate will be on his doorstep tomorrow or that the goose will be gone – he’d honestly settle for either.

But only thirty minutes after he drifts off to sleep, he wakes up to a loud squawk and a very warm weight on his chest. He groans and turns over, dumping the weight in the process.  For a second, his groggy brain thinks he’s solved the problem. And then, only centimeters from his ear, he hears the loudest squawk he’s ever heard in his life. He jumps up, startled, and hits his head on a surprisingly hard goose beak. The goose reels back with the impact before nipping Jake’s arm in retaliation. He has never sympathized with the stranglers he puts away before, but he thinks he finally gets it.

While murderous thoughts flood through his brain and he begins to consider asking Charles about the various ways to cook geese, wondering whether magical invisible animal flesh is edible, the goose hops off his bed and runs to the doorframe, looking back at him expectantly.

His first instinct is to bury his head back in his pillow and hope the goose goes back to bed. But then he remembers why he has a goose squatting in his studio apartment in the first place – is it possible it’s actually trying to be useful? Could it be that his soulmate is walking by outside at this very moment?

Jake is disgusted by the sappiness of the hope running through his brain, but this doesn’t stop him from rushing for his shoes and following the goose out the bedroom and towards the front door, with a quick stop in the hall bathroom to squeeze some toothpaste into his mouth. His eyes are bloodshot and his hair is mussed, but he’s sure his soulmate won’t care – surely she’ll just be happy to get rid of the goose, too.

He sprints out the door, the goose nipping at his heels, urging him faster. He stubs his toe hard against the kitchen counter and bumps his head against the corner of his cabinets as he rounds the corner, but he makes it to the front door in eight seconds flat – a personal record. He slams through the entrance, already turning right to head for the staircase. It’s as he barrels down the hallway that he trips over the goose, wings spread wide and feathers fluffed to look as large as possible. He goes down hard, catching a large mouthful of dirty carpet, and rises to his feet, uttering a long string of curses that he’s sure will wake his neighbors, only to find that the goose is still blocking his path.

When he tries to approach, it squawks at him, all of its sharp teeth on prominent display, so Jake takes a few steps back, hands up. He tries some soothing words, muttering nothings about goose tacos and fried goose and goose sandwich in the most calming voice he knows, but as he takes his fifth step back towards his open apartment door, the goose flaps its way over his head (slapping him in the face with its legs in the process) and slams his door closed.

“Oh, God, that auto-locks,” Jake groans, his words slurred a little with sleep. He walks over and tries the handle anyway – the goose stands off to the side, watching almost as if it knows the door won’t open, no matter how many times Jake rattles it.

Five minutes of non-stop leaning on the door knob yield no results, and Jake is finally forced to admit that he’s locked out of his apartment in boxers and a t-shirt. His neighbor has a key, but he works a night shift as a hot dog vendor, and his phone is inside, so he can’t call Gina for her spare. So instead, he slides down the wall so that he’s sitting, head on one knee, against the door, hoping against hope that the goose locked him out here because his soulmate is some new girl who moved into the vacant apartment down the hall and will be walking home any minute. His last thought before his eyes fully shut is that a speedboat model better be the one waking him up.

Tragically, the next face he sees is that of Fred, his middle-aged neighbor who lives across the hall, asking him if he’s okay. He mumbles something about automatic locks and broken doors and carpet that smells like mildew, but it isn’t until he adds “…and dumb soulmate geese trying to ruin your life…” that Fred’s face lights up in understanding.

“I’ll go get my key,” he assures Jake quickly before speeding inside.

The sounds of his clumsy neighbor slamming cabinets and rifling through drawers, accented by a colorful string of angry curses, clears Jake’s mind enough for him to sit up, stretching out his cramped limbs and rubbing his eyes, dry and itchy from one of the worst sleeps he can ever remember. That’s when he sees the goose, curled up peacefully like a dog on his welcome mat. He has never hated anything more.

Fred disrupts his reveries about gruesomely bloody water fowl murders by returning with a key, slightly bent but still functional. Jake pushes himself off the ground – with a great deal of effort and several loud (arguably unnecessary) groans – while Fred unlocks the door.

“Well, Jakey, I’ll bring you some hot dogs tonight – you look like you need them. Good luck with your soulmate…did you say goose?”

Jake dives in the door before he has to explain further. Of course the goose is already sitting on the couch, and even though beaks are possibly the least expressive food-holes available, Jake knows it’s grinning at him.

Work doesn’t improve his mood – he goes out with Charles first thing in the morning to check out a crime scene, and it should be simple, but the goose starts moving around critical pieces of evidence, scaring the beat cops who see nothing but floating kitchen utensils in the trashed apartment, and Charles, with tears in his eyes threatening to soak his face, has to tell Jake he should probably wait outside.

Charles also calls the goose Vendetta almost obsessively, as though he’s trying to convince Jake that this goose is somehow better than the wolf Jake’s always dreamed of. Jake calls the goose Quackers. This elicits a fresh round of honks every time he uses it.

In the afternoon, Terry tries to take Jake out to investigate a B&E – a low-stakes call was made about a broken window a few blocks away. The goose spends the car ride using its beak to open and close the windows so much that it breaks the button for the passenger seat. Jake’s a little mad about the repair costs that now fall on him, and very mad that the goose got to be the one to break the window – something he’s wanted to try all his life.

He’s confined to the precinct after that.

The goose seems more interested in eating the Chinese takeout Jake picked up on his way home than it had been in the pizza the night before. Jake’s even hopeful that they’ve reached something of a truce – Jake feeds it the vegetables that always come in his fried rice, no matter how many times he requests carbs and meat only, and it lets Jake eat both fortune cookies.

Jake’s smart enough to know now that when the goose wakes him up - more gently this time - he shouldn’t follow. Part of him - the part that still maintains some iota of optimism - wonders if maybe tonight is the night when Quackers actually does his job, but the part of him that is maybe now convinced that his bed - lumps and all - is actually probably his soulmate lets his eyes fall all the way shut without a second thought.

He wakes up to the angry beeping of his alarm far too early, and he groans as he slams the snooze button. He could sleep for another ten days, so it’s the easiest decision of his life to slam the snooze button - just once.

Five painfully short snoozes later, the hell-goose, whom he’s forgotten is sleeping at the foot of his bed, stinking up all of his favorite shirts and peppering his blankets with feathers, decides to intervene.

With something vaguely resembling a growl, Quackers lands on his face, batting the side of his head with its wings. Jake lets out a strangled yell, muffled by the feathers that are obstructing his airways, and flails his arms wildly until they make contact with the large goose that is definitely trying to kill him.

When Quackers goes flying, Jake takes the opportunity to roll over and bury his face in his pillow, which might be suffocating him, but at least it doesn’t smell like bird. He thinks that he’s done it, that Quackers will leave him alone, and then it only takes a few seconds for him to doze off, content in the knowledge that his alarm won’t go off for another nine minutes.

But thirty seconds later, the hell-goose is back stomping ferociously on his back, so hard that the breath is being forced out of his lungs. For a split second, Jake wonders how long he can endure this, if he should just resign himself to the fact that this is the end. That he’s going to be killed by this feathered beast, half goose and half demon, in his own bed. Then the goose shifts, allowing Jake to take a tiny breath in. Jake’s a cop, so he’s had his fair share of near death experiences, had to fight for his life more than once, but he swears that it’s never been as difficult as the fight with this goose. He waves his arms around, angled back towards the goose, rolling to one side to try to throw it off of the side of the bed, feeling its short claws digging into his skin. Somehow, Jake manages to turn and wrestle the goose off of him, finally rolling off of the bed himself, more breathless than he’d care to admit.

He takes a minute to collect himself, glaring at Quackers as he pushes the blankets around the bed, making a nest for himself and perching smugly in the middle (Jake didn’t know that geese could look smug before). Once the goose is settles, Jake briefly considers just climbing back into bed and reclaiming his blankets just to spite Quackers, but then he realises that he may very well be late for work if he doesn’t get dressed right this second. Much to Jake’s dismay, the goose won this round.

Jake’s sure that this particular Wednesday is the day that he’s going to find his soulmate. He’s earned it after a goose-fight that was somehow more exhausting than taking down even Brooklyn’s most hardened criminals. The day finally seems to be going his way - the sun is out, he gets his bagel for free after he accidentally drops it while paying, and no one notices when he’s five minutes late to work, Quackers trotting in behind him. Things seemed to have changed between them since the bedroom fight. Quackers settles at Jake’s feet quite happily for much of the day, with a self-satisfied possessiveness that makes Jake wonder if the goose thinks it’s the alpha.

This school of thought is reinforced when Charles brings in a casserole dish full of vaguely-green paste and orange chunks. With a sigh of resignation, Jake goes for his desk fork and stabs the casserole, steeling his stomach against whatever concoction Charles has brought for him to try.

When the fork, dangling mysterious strings of green, hits his tongue, though, Jake loses it. He spits it all over his keyboard, eyes watering as he rubs his tongue with his hands in a wild attempt to erase the taste from his memory.

“Charles! What was that?”

Charles looks only mildly concerned. “It’s a grass-and-carrot pâté. You know - for Vendetta!”

Jake blinks twice - both to communicate his confusion and to rid his eyes of the tears that are still forming at the memory of the grassy, overly-spicy taste that reminds him of the time Gina dared him to eat a handful of dirt on a dare. “Charles. You know that the goose doesn’t deserve a name like Vendetta. It’s Quackers, and it definitely doesn’t deserve treats. And also - why would you let me try it?”

Charles shakes his head, as if he knows something Jake doesn’t. “Jakey, Jakey, Jakey. Sharing food with your animal is a beautiful and natural part of the soulmate process! When Jason and I split his dog treats, it led to an entirely new level of understanding and devotion! It was almost as meaningful as the humping! If you won’t share goose food with Vendetta--”

“Quackers--” Jake interrupts.

“--then maybe you should try sharing human food! You need to find your soulmate, Jake. We’re all waiting for her - Genevieve needs a best friend!”

Jake shakes his head at his friend, mumbling thanks and vague words about goose-friendly pizza. Charles looks appeased - even more so when Jake throws in the word Vendetta - and leaves Jake to bond with Vendet--Quackers over the “intimate joy of shared vertebrate sustenance”.

When Charles leaves on a case thirty minutes later, a very-relieved Jake dumps the entire casserole dish on the floor, leaving Quackers to spend the afternoon licking it up (with a razor-edge tongue that makes Jake withdraw a few inches at the sight of it) while Jake successfully busts two cases of identity theft. He doesn’t, however, successfully find his soulmate, meaning he is still stuck with his vicious modern dinosaur.

He actually likes Quackers marginally better when he thinks of him like this. He may or may not spend an hour training Quackers - who is surprisingly smart, when he wants to be - to stomp around the apartment, wings extended, honk-roaring loud enough to wake Fred across the hall. It only looks marginally like a T-Rex, but Jake will take it.

Quackers never stops doing the walk. When Jake wakes up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, as his third day with the goose wears into his fourth, he trips over a goose silently marching up and down the hall. He does it across Jake and Charles’ shared table at the morning briefing (Charles tears up at the knowledge that the animal responsible for finding his best friend’s soulmate is here and wrinkling his case files), and he does it through the break room during lunch, stopping to “roar” so loudly in Jake’s ear that he falls out of his chair, much to Gina’s delight.

Quackers continues his march across the bar at Shaw’s that night, when the squad decides to take some of the edge of the week off together. Gina and about a billion of her friends are playing darts across the room, and Charles and Genevieve are sitting in the booth that Jake just vacated, slowly and painstakingly feeding each other fries to analyze the regional origin of the artificial cheese melted on top. Jake’s just looking for another beer (and to maybe collect Quackers, who just broke his fourth wine glass, which is a habit that Jake really can’t afford) when he sees Terry and Sharon sitting at the bar. With Quackers under one arm and a new beer in the other, Jake pauses to watch.

Terry’s got one arm around his wife, and she’s whispering something to him, close to his ear so that he can hear her over the comfortable hum of the regular patrons. He throws back his head, roaring in laughter, and she has to elbow him in the side to remind him to loosen his strong grip. They look so comfortable together that it makes Jake’s heart ache just a tiny bit.

And then Quackers, all but forgotten under his arm, nudges his cheek. It’s light, almost gentle, as though he’s trying to be nice. And Jake remembers, for the first time since a goose started attacking him during a morning briefing four days ago, why the goose is here. His chest fills with warmth at the thought, and there’s a tingling inside him that has nothing to do with what must be his fourth or fifth beer. This is why he’s been losing sleep to a malicious goose.

So he calls Captain McGintley (who is slurring far more than Jake is) and gets Friday off.

The next morning, he finds himself in the middle of Prospect Park, with Quackers on a leash in front of him. He gave the goose a solid breakfast (or, rather, Charles did) and sat down and tried to explain what would be happening today. It felt weird - trying to talk to a goose like an adult, and Quackers’ beady eyes were boring into his very essence, but he’s hoping that mutual respect and increased caloric intake will aid his search.

The plan, as Jake explained it, is that Quackers will be allowed to walk on his own - on a leash - and will lead Jake wherever he needs to go to find his mystery woman. Jake’s pretty sure Quackers gets it, and he’s been far more cooperative in the past twelve hours than he had been in the past four days combined. And yet, things go wrong almost immediately.

Quackers struts through the park, and at first, Jake is encouraged. He knows he must look insane to passers-by, with a leash suspended on an invisible animal, but then he sees at least three other morning walkers doing the same, and he decides he must be okay.

And then they come to a small pond, teeming with geese. Jake continues to walk, but Quackers jerks right and dives straight in. The leash is yanked out of Jake’s hand, leaving a nasty rope burn that will definitely require some hot chocolate from Charles (or maybe from the owner of the matching goose) later. In frustration, as he watches Quackers fraternize with the other normal geese, he kicks the boulder next to his leg.

And immediately lets out a shout of pain because he’s at least 99% sure he just broke all of his toes. He hops on one foot, nearly falling into the pond, and manages to steady himself. His foot is throbbing, and he lets out a string of curses so loud that a mother nearby claps her hands over her toddler’s ears. He removes his shoe - gingerly, carefully - to examine his toe - it might be bruised.

His sneaker - his favorite one (even better than its match, which has a scuff across the toe) - is sitting forgotten on the boulder while he peels off his sock when things go really, truly wrong. All of a sudden, a white blur trailing a blue leash with rainbow pawprints flies by, snatching up the laces of his sneaker in his beak before turning on a dime and flying back out over the small pond, feet skimming the water.

Jake shouts, caught off balance, and spins on the spot, trying to spot Quackers against the too-bright sun while hopping on one foot, his right foot still throbbing as he holds it up. Almost immediately, he lands face-first in the pond, scattering geese and taking several full gulps of algae before he manages to sit up, sputtering.

Quackers is sitting on the boulder Jake just vacated, the most self-satisfied Jake’s ever seen another living thing. He puts down the sneaker, honks loudly at Jake, and struts off, wings out in his best T-Rex strut.

Jake lets out a roar worthy of the best prehistoric reptiles and leaps out of the water, clothes streaming as he sprints after Quackers, who is hopping and flying in between waddles to stay just out of reach. Jake bowls over some teenagers playing hackey sack (the sack itself hits him in the face) and splatters mud on some small girls playing hopscotch as he tries to wipe the pond grime off his face. He rips around corners and through flower bushes (he emerges from one with purple flower petals stuck to the grime on his shirt) and runs headlong into a tree trunk when Quackers stops to take a break on a branch.

Eight minutes later, Jake’s run a decent chunk of the park, all just to retrieve the sneaker. His sprint has slowed to a jog, and he lost the breath to scream insults at his animal several minutes ago. He’s considering giving up on the sneaker - but something about this feels different, and he can’t quite shake the image of Terry and Sharon from last night, so he keeps going.

And then, in the distance, the blue lights of police cars. Jake mutters one final shit under his breath because for some reason, just for the sake of maximum embarrassment, he knows exactly where Quackers will take him.

Instead of seeing Charles or Terry or one of the beat cops from the Nine-Nine, like he’s expecting, though, he bowls over a beat cop from the Seven-Eight, a man he’s met a few times before on various joint stakeouts and tactical village events. Before he can stop to apologize, though, Quackers has sped up, heading right towards a white blob Jake can see in the distance.

As he draws closer, he can see that there’s another goose - this one wearing a police badge around its neck and proudly sniffing the perimeter of the crime scene. Next to it is a pantsuit-clad woman with the shiniest hair Jake has ever seen - the severe bun that contains it is blinding in the bright sunlight.

Jake’s so distracted that he doesn’t notice Quackers stop, doesn’t notice the goose standing in his way, until he’s tripped over it and skidded facefirst through the fresh, soft grass at the feet of Amy Santiago, the legendary detective from the Seven-Eight who kicked the Nine-Nine’s butts at Tactical Village two years ago.

“Are you okay?” she asks, looking more than a little concerned. Only then does Jake remember that he’s covered in mud and flower petals and missing a shoe and lying on his stomach in front of her, jaw hanging open.

“Your…Detective Santiago...goose…” is all he can manage.

“What? You mean Quackson Pollock?” She indicates her goose, but when she turns to see the direction of her pointed finger, she finds her bird not dutifully solving crime but instead nuzzling into the long neck of Quackers.

“Oh.” A blush starts at the tip of her ears and creeps onto her cheeks, darkening her bronze skin. “Oh.”

“Jake Peralta. Detective Jake Peralta. I work in the Nine-Nine.”

Reflexively, she reaches out to shake his hand. Her grip is firm, and he’s tempted to tease her about it, but there’ll be time - there’ll be years for that. So instead, he lets his hand linger, noticing the calluses that line her palm before looking up to see laughter in her eyes at his appearance. “I...I know you,” she says slowly, her eyes lighting up in recognition. “Coolest kill last year, right?”

“Yeah, sorry...Quackers took me on a bit of a wild goose chase.” He tries the pun, and is relieved to hear her small chuckle in response. He wonders what it would take to make her really laugh.

“You know geese are really smart, right? I’ve had Quackson Pollock working as a scent hound all week. Most cases I’ve ever solved.”

She sounds so seriously proud that Jake has to smile in response as he replies. “Bet you can’t beat my record.”

A competitive gleam lights up in her eyes. “Loser buys the coffee?”

“Good thing it’s gonna be you because I definitely lost my wallet in some flower bushes back on the south end of the park.”

She picks at one of the petals decorating his sleeves. “It’s a good look.” All of a sudden, she’s a little bit shy, and Jake gets it. His heart’s been threatening to jump through his throat and land at his feet at the sight of her warm, brown eyes.

“So, coffee?” she asks, breaking the silence. On Jake’s left, a white blur passes by, dropping a sneaker on top of his shoulder and affectionately batting his head with one wing before flying off.

“Coffee sounds great,” he replies, with a small pang of affection for Quackers and a great deal of nervous excitement as he watches Amy pass off the case to her secondary with more authority and poise than he could muster even in his John-McClane-daydreams.

“Time for a shower, though?” she asks, appraising his still-dripping clothes as they walk away.

“Title of your sex tape!” he shouts on impulse. And then, as he blushes, she laughs for realz and he decides immediately that this is a sound he never wants to stop hearing.