#(brother mine beware. i know where you sleep)

[writingwithciara]

Broken Bond (Part 2) ~Chris Sturniolo~

summary: will things lead where they want them to go?

word count: 3.4k

pairing: chris sturniolo x reader

notes: i knew i was going to make a part 2 to broken bond when i finished writing the first part, but im glad so many people actually wanted another part to it. thank you to everyone who truly enjoys my writing. you guys are the reason i keep going ❤little bit of smut up ahead so beware

masterlist

Chris watched as y/n left his room. He thought about calling her back in but didn’t want to push his luck so he shut his mouth before anything came out.

y/n was on her way back to matt’s room when she stopped in the kitchen to take a moment to process what had just happened. chris was her best friend and she had just offered to ‘help him’ whenever he needed. what the hell just happened.

she entered matt’s room quietly and sat against his headboard. he turned to face her and opened his eyes.

“everything okay?”

“um, yeah. everything is perfect.” y/n settled below to covers and looked at her best friend. “did you know your brother stopped talking to me because i got boobs?”

“seriously? that’s why he stopped?” Matt chuckled. “that’s ridiculous.”

“you didn’t know?”

“no. he didn’t mention it.”

“why didn’t you ditch me too?”

“because i am not an idiot. i value our friendship. you and i, we are forever. there’s no backing out now.” matt smiled and placed a gentle kiss to her forehead. “now get some sleep, loser. we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow.”

“good night, matty b.” y/n turned away from him and closed her eyes. she knew he hated the name but she also knew she was the only one allowed to call him that.

the next morning, y/n woke up before matt so she climbed off the bed slowly and quietly. the sheet stuck to her and almost made her fall on her face but she caught herself before she made too much noise.

she put on the hoodie she had been wearing last night and headed out of the room. nick greeted her with a smile.

“good morning.”

“good morning. how was your night?”

“mine was good. and seeing as how you just came from matt’s room in pretty much nothing but his hoodie, i am gonna assume that you had a great night.”

“you know that matt and i aren’t like that, nicolas. it’s chris and it always has been. even if he hasn’t been talking to me for years.” y/n sighed.

“but you saw him...you know.” nick eyed her for a second. “that’s gotta be a step in the right direction, right?”

“if by ‘step in the right direction’ you mean ‘the most awkward thing ever’ then yeah. we’re on the right track again.” y/n faked enthusiasm and shot him the finger, which he happily returned.

matt came out of his room and stood behind y/n with his hands on her shoulders. “good morning.”

“morning, matty.”

“what’s on the agenda today?” nick asked.

“i was thinking we could spend the day brainstorming some new vlog and challenge ideas.”

“that’s the ‘big day’ you had planned?” y/n looked at him and smiled. “babe, you’re cute but that doesn’t seem like such a big day.”

“we can film something and get some food.”

“matt, your big days are not as big as you think they are.” nick just chuckled. “but i love the idea.”

“what part?”

“we can go for a drive, do some brainstorming, get some food and film.”

“we could also do a photo shoot. that could be fun.” y/n looked towards the stairs and waited for chris. “maybe chris will have an idea too.”

“the way i see it, we have a solid plan for the day.” nick smiled, finishing off his breakfast.

“alright then it’s settled.” matt turned y/n around so she was facing him. “want me to make you something for breakfast?”

“yes please.” y/n sat at the table with nick and they both watched as matt hurried around the kitchen to make food.

“so, are you ever gonna give me the full deets on what you saw when you caught chris?”

“there’s nothing new to tell. i accidentally walked in on him pleasuring himself but I didn’t see what he was using.”

“he could’ve been using his thoughts.” nick pondered for a moment. “oh, what if he was thinking of you?”

“nick, no. he wouldn’t be thinking of me that way.”

“actually, he might’ve been.” matt spoke up. “didn’t mean to eavesdrop but if you really think about it, this whole situation happened when nick and i were isolated so he had no choice but to talk to you again. and also if you think about it, he did stop talking to you initially because you got boobs. so suddenly talking to you again might have triggered that part of his brain, thus creating the need to pleasure himself when he was alone.”

“matt, babe, i never want to hear you say that ever again.”

“but it’s true though.” nick defended his brothers thoughts. y/n knew they were right but she was not about to tell them why.

“whatever. let’s just eat and then get shit done today.” she shook her and looked up just as chris emerged from around the corner. they locked eyes for a brief moment and chris was the first one to break it.

“what’s for breakfast?”

“well i already ate but matt just cooked some eggs and bacon for y/n. maybe he’ll make you some too.” nick smiled before going up to his room. chris looked at matt with a smile but before he could speak, matt shut it down.

“nope. not happening chris.”

“you’re so mean to me.” chris pouted, sitting across from y/n & engaging in an argument with matt. y/n watched them bicker and found pure joy when the argument changed topics rapidly. it was always one of her favorite moments between them.

an hour later, everyone got in the car and headed off to their local first destination.

y/n was in a chaotic mood so she decided to wear a pair of shorts that were nearly too short for her body and a top that left very little to the imagination. she knew it was going to drive chris crazy and part of her wanted him to suffer a little bit.

after getting some lunch and brainstorming, the group found themselves in a beautiful open field for a photo shoot. nick pulled his camera out of the backseat and followed matt out of the car. chris stayed in his seat while y/n made a move to get out.

“you coming or what?”

“yeah. uh, just give me a second. see you out there.” chris flashed her a smile and y/n knew her plan had worked.

“see you out there, christopher.” she whispered in his ear and climbed out of the car before he could react properly.

“where’s chris?”

“he’ll be out here in a minute. he got a phone call he wanted to answer.” y/n lied, not wanting to embarrass chris.

“okay cool. you wanna take a picture with matt while we wait?”

“sure thing.” y/n walked to where matt was standing and draped her arm on his shoulder. she cocked her head and gave him a goofy smile. he looked at her while running his hand through his hair & nick snapped the picture.

“wow. this is the best picture i have literally ever taken.”

“let me see.” y/n jogged over to him and glanced at the camera. “he’s right matt. we look hot.”

“of course we do.” matt smiled and took the camera from her hands. he quickly took a picture of y/n and showed her. “you’re the perfect subject of a photograph.”

“thanks matthew.” y/n hugged his waist and his arm went around her shoulders. chris watched from the car and knew he had to take this opportunity to join them.

“okay who wants the next photo?”

“i do.” chris appeared next to nick and smiled.

“okay. go stand over there.” nick directed his brother. y/n stood back and smiled at chris, causing his cheeks to turn a dark red. he smiled as nick took the picture. “it’s a really good photo. not as good as the picture of matt and y/n but still good.”

“maybe i should take one with him like i did with matt.” y/n suggested, causing chris to look at her with a confused expression. he didn’t think he could handle being that close to her.

“okay. go join him and pose you like did with matt.”

y/n walked up to chris with a smirk on her face. her hand rested on his upper arm gently. he looked down at her and bit his lip as she got closer. his gaze flicked down to her lips momentarily before locking back onto hers.

“if you get uncomfortable, you can tell me.” she whispered low enough for only him to hear. her free hand went around and grabbed the back of his neck lightly. they locked eyes and chris wanted to kiss her. but just before he could, nick took the picture and y/n walked away. chris swallowed and followed her reluctantly.

“wow. so there’s obvious chemistry here.” matt smiled, causing y/n to slap him.

“with him, never.” y/n looked at nick before looking over at chris.

he was looking at his feet, almost upset by what she said. but he had nobody to blame but himself so he looked up and sent her a small smile.

“so are these photos going to go on your account?” y/n looked over at matt this time.

“yeah but we don’t have to keep the ones with you in them, if that’s what you’re asking.”

“no it’s fine, matt. your fans already know i’m friends with you guys and i don’t want them to be the reason we stop hanging out.”

“we could never do that to you. you live with us, y/n/n. you’re a permanent fixture in our lives and we love it.” matt threw his arm around her shoulder and smiled. “let’s go take some more pictures.”

after a few more hours of goofing off and taking lots of pictures, matt and nick decided it was time to film another video. the boys climbed into the car while y/n hesitated outside.

“is it alright if i sit this one out?”

“are you kidding me? i am not letting you sit outside in the cold by yourself.” matt got out of his spot and walked over to her. “you’re going to be in this video. please be in it.”

“fine but i am not going to do another one for a while.”

“that’s fine.” matt smiled when y/n sat behind chris. the outfit she had on earlier was now covered by matt’s hoodie. matt had offered it to her when it started to get cold out & she thought it would keep chris’ eyes off her for the remainder of the night. but she was wrong. his eyes found hers through the rear view mirror and he smiled, trying to hide the fact that she was corrupting his thoughts yet again.

nick began the introduction to the video and as everyone groaned at the topic, he just laughed. for some reason, he was the only one of the triplets who knew what the topic was and so was y/n. they were doing another ‘this or that’ video but with a slight twist. y/n was supposed to be asking them the questions so she wouldn’t have to say her own answers.

they filmed for an hour and went off topic several times as chris dove into the logistics of why his choice was the best one.

by the time they all arrived back home, everyone was exhausted.

“good night everybody.” matt started heading towards his room before stopping in the hallway. “you coming in my room again tonight, y/n?”

“i think i’m gonna sleep in my own room for once.” the girl was rocking back and forth on her feet as matt disappeared in his room.

as y/n made a move towards her room, chris cleared his throat, causing y/n to turn towards him.

"aren't you going to say goodnight?"

"good point." y/n smirked and got closer, reaching up to whisper a low no in his ear before turning around and heading to her own room.

it was around 2:30 in the morning and chris was unable to sleep. he opened his phone and scrolled his album, hoping it would put him to sleep. before he could get started, a text flashed across his screen.

y/n🙊: [1 photo attachment]

chris was about to open the message when another one came through, followed by 2 more and a voice message.

y/n🙊: [1 photo attachment] y/n🙊: [1 photo attachment] y/n🙊: [1 voice message]

the second the images popped up on his screen, he immediately saved them to the album for later. he hesitated on clicking the play button on the voice message, leaving y/n on read.

y/n🙊: what? don't like what you see? 🙃 y/n🙊: i could come show you in person if the pictures don't do it for you 👀

chris didn't know how to respond so he left her on read again while he thought about what to do.

he reached his final decision and headed to his bedroom door. when he opened it, y/n was already standing out in the hallway in the sweatshirt she had on earlier.

he pulled her into his room and double checked to see if either of his brothers were somehow behind this. when he concluded they were nowhere around, he closed the door and turned to face y/n.

"you can't just send that shit, y/n." chris breathed deeply and looked down at her. a playful smirk was splayed across her face.

"what are you gonna do about it, chris?" y/n moved her hand up his chest and rested it at the back of his neck.

"you're playing a dangerous game here, y/n. you sure you wanna do this?"

"i came to play, christopher." y/n twirled a piece of his hair between her fingers and looked up at him. "are you ready for it?"

"fuck yeah." he picked her up with ease and kissed her roughly. she moaned into the kiss as chris carried her over to his bed. as he laid her down, his hands travelled down her body, exploring every inch of it.

neither of them could believe this was happening.

y/n broke the kiss momentarily to remove the hoodie, leaving her in only her underwear. the specific matching orange set she had sent chris a photo of not even 10 minutes ago. since orange was his favorite color, she figured it would drive him crazy. and she was right.

his eyes wandered over her body. something about it seemed foreign, even though he had seen her in something like this before.

chris began peppering kisses from her neck to the top of her breasts, each one a little more rough than the last. he silently asked for permission to remove the bra and when y/n nodded, he removed it slowly, being careful not to ruin it.

once her bare chest was exposed, y/n couldn't help but feel like she was suddenly under a microscope, remembering her boobs were the reason chris stopped talking to her before. she went to cover them but chris stopped her.

"don't cover up. you're perfect." he whispered in her ear before kissing her neck again, this time going lower and lower down her body.

each kiss felt like they were burning her skin but in a good way.

once chris reached her thighs, he couldn't get enough. one hand gripped her thigh roughly while the other hand went to her waistband. chris didn't hesitate to slide them down her legs when she started squirming. his jaw nearly hit the floor once she was completely naked.

"fuck, ma. you're so perfect." he placed delicate kisses on her thighs and everywhere around but the one place she needed him.

"chris."

"what is it? use your words baby." chris looked up at her with a smirk.

"i need you. use your fingers, your tongue, whatever. i just need to feel something inside me right now."

"as you wish." he quickly shoved 2 fingers into her folds. the more she squirmed at his touch, the more pressure he added.

she knew she was getting close but she wanted to hold out a while longer.

but that thought flew out the window when chris removed his fingers and replaced them with his tongue.

"who made you this wet?" chris asked, taking a moment to admire the way she was coming undone. instead of answering his question, she grabbed his hair and pushed his head back to where she needed it. his tongue shot in and out at a rapid pace and it wasn't long until y/n felt her orgasm nearly explode all over chris' face.

"oh, fuck chris!" she grabbed at his bedsheets as she came on his tongue. the sensation of feeling chris licking her clean was almost enough to make her come again. but she didn't.

chris kissed back up her body and placed his lips to hers, making sure she knew how sweet she tasted.

y/n's hand went down to chris' sweatpants and she began to palm him through the thick fabric. he groaned into the kiss, causing y/n to smirk.

"you have some choices right now. if you keep doing that, i'm going to come in my pants. but if you stop before i do, then you can choose how it happens and when."

y/n just deepened the kiss and pulled his pants down swiftly. the boxers followed shortly after.

she climbed off the bed and got down on her knees, pulling chris to sit on the edge of the bed. within seconds, she had chris' dick in her mouth.

he tried hard to gain some control but y/n just picked up her pace. she was gagging but the pleasure was too high for either of them to care.

y/n sped up and for what she couldn't fit in her mouth, she used her hand. chris felt like he was on cloud 9 with the way she was making him feel.

just before he was able to feel his release, y/n pulled her mouth off him. chris was about to ask what was wrong but when her hand replaced her lips, it was like the breath had been taken out of him.

"holy fuck, y/n! fuck i'm gonna come." chris threw his head back before releasing his seed onto her hand.

as y/n worked to clean her hand off, her eyes never left chris'. they were engaged in an intense, yet oddly intimate, stare.

"fuck, you look so hot right now." chris let out a shaky breath, but smirked anyway.

"if you think i look hot now, wait until you see how hot i look with your dick buried deep inside me." she seductively whispered in his ear. causing his dick to twitch slightly. he picked her up again and placed her down on the bed.

"i bet you'll look hot as fuck when you take my dick like the good girl i know you are." chris wasted no time. he lined himself up and quickly pressed himself into her. they tried to muffle their moans in a kiss but it was too hot to contain.

"fuck chris."

"god you take me so well, baby." chris picked up the pace and before either of them knew what was going on, both of their orgasms were rapidly approaching.

as y/n came, chris was careful and coherent enough to pull out and release on her stomach.

they came down from their highs and stared at each other, neither one wanting to break eye contact.

chris was the first one to look away as he got up and disappeared into the bathroom. he came back seconds later with a warm towel to clean her up with. when he was done, he threw it in the basket and laid down next to y/n.

"so, was that better than the pictures you have?" y/n smirked, knowing full well it was.

"oh definitely." he leaned over to kiss her and smiled. "can't touch the pictures. or kiss them." he placed a kiss to her chest and moved up her neck.

"well, you could kiss the pictures through your phone, but then you'd just be an average weirdo." she bit her lip when he stopped to give her a quizzical look.

"true but these kisses right here," he smirked and kissed her neck, then her breasts, then her lips. "these kisses are way better than a picture on a screen."

"fuck, chris." y/n bit his lip and found herself chasing the kiss as he pulled away.

"you're so perfect, baby." he looked at her. "i think i love you."

y/n froze at his words. sure they just shared the most intimate moment possible. but did he really mean it?

taglist: @worldlxvlys @carolinalikesthings @fearfam69691 @junnniiieee07 @suyqa @spicychrizzz

[minefield-of-a-ninja]

Summary: Gabriela Cruz invests in a Victorian mansion in the middle of America where the rule of Buyer Beware is absolute. When her twin sister goes missing, a couple of federal agents show up. Lucky for Gabi, Dean and Sam Winchester are on the case.

Characters: Gabriela Cruz, Camila Cruz, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Ed Zeddmore, Harry Spangler

Warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, language, mentions death of family members, cursed object, mentions of blood + gore, sarcasm, twin dynamics, explicit sex

Words: 4,600

Author's notes: thank you, @brrose-apothecary and @stusbunker as always for the pre-reads and support!

CAVEAT EMPTOR

I consider myself a strong, independent woman. I pay my own bills, put a little money away in savings every month, and I just recently took out a loan all by myself to buy an old Victorian mansion cum bed and breakfast in my hometown.

Which brings me to my first point — that most of the time, I think I’m rad as fuck. Then, once in a blue moon (literally, in this case), some guy finds his way into my life, and I personally end up winding back the advancement of women by a century for good dick.

It’s humiliating.

How, you ask? Well, let me tell you...

“When you said Victorian bed and breakfast, I thought it’d be all lace doilies and ornately carved wood. This place is sick!” 

Camila, my little sister by 15 minutes, had driven down from Minneapolis to help me move into my new home. We hadn’t seen much of each other in the past year because she was living with a man who considered our twin bond to be “unhealthy” (read: he’s a pissbaby.)

What he couldn’t wrap his tiny brain around was that Cami and I were not only twins, but we’d spent the entirety of our adult lives with only each other to call home. Our older brother was killed by a drunk driver, our mom by breast cancer, and our dad by colon cancer, all before we were old enough to vote.

Anyway, Camila told him he could stay in his glass box of a top-floor condo in the city while she popped down “just for the weekend” to help me unpack. Little did he know, she’d brought with her an obscenely priced bottle of pink Taittinger Comtes de Champagne 1973 from his wine cellar. 

“Camila Beatriz!” I cackled as I popped the cork.

She was living with a guy so worried about our “connection” that he never bothered to ask about her predilection to permanently borrow (her phrase, not mine) things from the men she dated.

“He’ll never miss it. Just pour.”

We sipped, kind of unpacked, nibbled on a fruit and cheese platter, and generally basked in each other’s presence. As we squeezed the last drops of pink bubbly from the bottle and the sun dipped below the horizon, I felt a chill. I assumed it was exhaustion, nerves, stress — whatever. 

“I’m tired, sissy,” Cami confessed. “Show me to my room, would ya?”

I did, giving her a long squeeze. “Thanks for coming, sissy,” I whispered in her ear. “Sleep sweet.”

I gave her a kiss on the cheek, and she kissed mine before I headed to my room to take a warm shower. Even though the chill never quite left me throughout slathering myself in lotion and wrapping up in my warmest pajamas, it didn’t occur to me that anything was off off.

Then, at midnight, when the third full moon of the season was at its fullest, I was awakened by a blood-curdling sound that seemed to hang in the air for hours after it was released.

“Camila!”

I bolted from the warmth of my bed, flung my heavy door open, and sprinted down the hall to where my sister was supposed to be sleeping. What I found inside that room can never be erased from the darkest corners of my mind.

There was blood everywhere — on the floor, the walls, the ceiling. The room was frigid and vibrating. I felt a presence that turned me inside out, and I started to sweat and heave, regardless of the temperature of the room.

“Cami!” I called out to her, receiving no reply. “Sister!”

I rushed further into the space as whatever it was that I felt began to recede.

“Camila! Where are you?”

I searched and cried, but my sister was nowhere to be found.

The police arrived within minutes, and neighbors hovered on the edge of the property, haphazardly bundled in robes and coats like vultures at the site of carnage. There were hushed whispers of a ghost, a ghoul, or dark spirits.

An ambulance came.

Once the police had questioned me, I was examined by the EMTs and given a sedative. I was told I was in shock. Someone asked if I had any relatives or friends in the area who could stay with me. 

I shook my head. “Cami’s my only family.”

The sedative dumbed me down more than anything. I wasn’t able to sleep or relax. Before dawn, two FBI agents appeared on the scene. The local police were reluctant to let them speak with me, but they somehow persevered.

“Ms. Cruz?”

I looked up to find a string bean of a dude with puppy-dog eyes and a tentative, soothing voice. He introduced himself as Agent Gass and his partner as Agent Black. He asked how much time I’d spent in the house.

“Not even a day.”

Both men nodded. 

I suppose it should have tipped me off that they were not run-of-the-mill federales since they didn’t seem at all surprised by my answer or the situation the way local law enforcement did.

“You just bought the place, right?” asked the other agent.

Until he spoke, I hadn’t realized how tightly wound I was with fear and grief. The quality of his voice had a visceral effect on my senses, like a deep tissue massage or an epic fucking orgasm. 

This man’s voice, you guys...

I blinked rapidly, trying to clear my vision, then found that the face belonging to that voice was so beautiful I could no longer hold the tension in my body, and the tears began to flow.

(I know this sounds very dramatic, but I promise we won’t be spending much more time on the grim details. Also, don’t worry; Cami’s fine. I mean, she’s fucking traumatized, but it wasn’t her blood decorating the walls, is what I’m saying.)

The agents quickly bookended me. Agent Gass tugged a paper towel from the roll I’d left sitting on a side table the night before and handed it to me, muttering something about my nose and tears before Agent Black started talking again. 

“There’ve been reports of strange occurrences in this house for decades, but nothing violent.” He was so close that I could feel the rumble of each syllable like the hum of a lullaby or a stealth percussionist in the wild. “Have you witnessed anything out of the ordinary in the last 12 hours?”

I sniffled. “Besides all the fucking terrifying shit I’ve already told the cops?”

Agent Gass cleared his throat beside me. “We’re sorry, but we need to record our own findings. Do you mind telling us what happened?”

I rolled my eyes and blew my nose. “Fine,” I sighed, tossing the wadded-up snot rag into a nearby trash bag.

“It started when the sun set…” 

I recapped the evening’s events, groggily noticing once again that neither agent seemed nearly as taken aback as the local police.

“‘Blood-curdling sound’ — like a scream?” Agent Black’s question pinged in my brain while other parts of me continued to react to the sound of it. 

“I don’t know why I keep using that phrase... it wasn’t a scream, but... it woke me up, and I immediately knew something was wrong. I was chilled to the bone.”

Agent Black nodded. “You said you were cold before, so you took a shower. Was it the same kinda chill you felt when the sound woke you up?”

I shook my head, squinting to try and remember. “No... I- there’s cold chill and scared chill — I felt both at different times. I... I don’t know how else to describe it.”

Agent Black nodded, peeking over my head to his partner, and they exchanged a silent agreement.

I cannot stress enough how aggravated I am that I felt attraction at that moment. My twin sister was missing, and yet I couldn’t stop staring at his stupid mouth. At the time, I didn’t rationalize it at all, probably because of the drugs the EMTs gave me, but suffice it to say that Dean Winchester is a sorcerer. 

He pushed up from beside me, smoothing his tie and buttoning his suit jacket. “Thank you, Ms. Cruz. Try to get some sleep.” He made a subtle gesture to his partner, spurring him into action, then turned to survey the room with a narrowed gaze.

Agent Gass handed me a card. “Please give us a call if you think of anything else. We’ll be in touch.”

Well into the next day, my new home was under constant guard, filled by local law enforcement and various consultants. I didn’t see Agents Gass and Black again until two weird little guys with video equipment showed up. 

I walked out onto my side porch from the kitchen, wiping my hands on a dish towel, wondering what kind of new crew was on the case. By the time I made my way outside, Agent Black was there, hovering over the bearded guy with glasses.

“...I will shoot you, and you know I’m not fucking kidding,” he growled.

“Agent?” I asked, amused beyond reason at his violent threat and casually draping my dish towel over my shoulder. 

At this point, I’d been able to get some sleep and put a bit of time and space between my cognitive processes and the happenings surrounding Cami’s disappearance. So when that cocky little (there’s nothing little about Dean Winchester, OK, I’m being facetious) shit stretched those long, strong legs and climbed up onto my porch, I was fully aware and accepting of just how incredibly attracted to him I was.

He turned, his posture neutralizing and his eyes softening.

“Ms. Cruz. Yeah, hi...” He strode toward the porch. “Thought I’d stop by, see how you’re doin’.”

“Gabi, Agent.”

He grinned wide as he took the last step to stand in front of me, sliding his hands into his pockets and rocking to his heels and back. 

Such a little shit.

“Gabi… right.” He smirked, then glared over his shoulder at the newcomers. “These two botherin’ you?”

I peeked around him and shook my head before pulling back and looking him in the eye. “This’s the first I’ve seen of them. Coffee, Agent?”

He smirked. “Call me Dean.”

In hindsight, inviting him in for coffee was probably my first mistake. I could’ve offered coffee to him and those two boneheads from Wisconsin outside, but, as previously mentioned, I was busy derailing feminism. 

“How do you take it, Dean?” I asked, swiping one of the clean coffee mugs from an array of disorganized kitchenware yet to be shelved from the move. 

As I took the last two steps to my second-hand Nespresso machine, Dean remained silent, so I glanced over my shoulder before reaching for a coffee pod. He shook his head and blinked up from where he seemed to be mesmerized by something in the neighborhood of my hips.

“Black,” he answered with a lush, lopsided smile.

I nodded, then turned to focus on my task. “What brings you back this way? Is there something new with my case?”

“Uhh, yeah, actually — Agent Gass found some interesting things about the layout of this property on the county assessor’s website. D’you know this was a safe house in the Underground Railroad?”

“Yeah.” I turned and handed the agent his coffee. “That’s one of the reasons I bought it and one of the attractions of the bed and breakfast.” 

He thanked me for the cup, eyeing me closely. “So you’re aware of the secret passages in the home? In the room where your sister was sleeping the night she disappeared?”

I shook my head. “What? No. There’s no passageway in my sister’s room, only in the basement and the outbuildings.”

Dean shook his head, holding my gaze. “There’s a full network of passageways in the exterior walls of this house, Gabi,” he continued slowly and pointedly. “Your sister could be trapped. We’d like to take a look at the room again.”

(The next night, over a post-orgasmic cigarette, Dean told me all about another structure he and his brother had cleaned out and sealed off. Someone had erected an apartment building on the execution site of America’s first serial killer. Because Dean Winchester, in addition to being exasperatingly sexy and good with his hands, is a ghost and monster hunter with his brother not-Agent Gass, they come across this kind of thing all the time, I now understand.)

Five minutes after agreeing to let them explore the alleged secret passageways, Agents Black and Gass were sans jackets, rolling up their sleeves, and peering into the mouth of the Rosebud Suite’s small closet. 

“So...” I paused, absorbing the confirmation that all the things I feared went bump in the night and more are real. “What do you think you’re gonna find in there? A ghost? Vampires? My twin sister’s disembodied head?”

For the first time since meeting them, the agents looked at me in alarm. 

“Let’s not jump to conclusions,” Dean said, crossing the room to clasp a big, warm hand around my wrist and squeeze. “You’re twins?”

I nodded.

“Then if that twin stuff everybody talks about is real, you know she’s gonna be fine.” He smiled down at me with kindness. “All we know is that she’s missing, and we know the blood in the room is animal blood.”

Dean was right; I knew in my heart that Gabi would be fine, but as relieved as I should have been, I was suddenly much more disturbed on an entirely different level.

“Animal blood? No one told me this was animal blood. What the fuck is going on?!”

“That’s what we’re here to find out,” Agent Gass appeared at Agent Black’s side, and they exchanged looks before Agent Black continued.

“I dunno why the police didn’t tell you about the animal blood. Maybe they didn’t want to alarm you-”

“Alarm me? I’ve been walking around here worried Camila’s guts were all over one of my guest room walls. I’ve taken sooo much Xanax since Friday night. Is there anything else alarming I should know about?”

They looked at each other again for a beat before Dean shrugged.

“Those two little weirdos outside?” 

“Yeah?”

“They picked up readings that indicate the presence of a cursed object as well as confirmation of human life other than those of us in plain sight.”

I sighed, dropping my eyes to where Dean helpfully caressed my wrist.

“I feel like I’m in catechism... what’s a cursed object?”

I didn’t pull away because, like I said, his caress was very helpful.

“Just like it sounds. Somethin’, usually old, that’s been loaded up with black magic. If we can find it, we can cancel out the magic-”

“Black magic?! Who the fuck- wait, old?” 

Dean nodded, and sadly, he released my wrist.

“Oh, my god, the wine!”

The agents perked up at that and exchanged more silent looks.

“Gabi... where’s the bottle?”

When I say that I am unreasonably attracted to Dean Winchester, this is what I mean: watching him and the clean-shaven Ghostfacer pepper and ash an empty champagne bottle in a graveyard after telling me said bottle was “cursed” should have made me worry about their and my eternal soul like any other good Catholic girl, but no — I still took him to bed. 

Once we found Cami, of course.

“Cayenne pepper. Interesting.”

Dean unwedged the shotgun from propping his trunk of many wonders open before dropping it shut. “Not just for cookin’.” 

He shifted and swayed and sighed as he slid his hands into his pockets and fixed his crinkly, sparkling gaze on me with a lick of his smug smirk.

“Sam?” I asked about his gigantic younger brother, who was back at the house with the other Ghostfacer, rescuing my sister. “Does he have Camila?”

Dean’s face lit up, and his eyebrows popped. “Oh, yeah. She’s good. She’s talkin’ to the police.”

I sighed. “I’d like to go home now.”

I must’ve looked like a frightened and exhausted child at that moment because Dean’s entire demeanor softened as he reached out to pull me in for a hug. His clothes and skin felt and smelled warm, and I started to cry into his white button-up. 

“It’s a lot to take in, I know, but I gotcha, sweetheart,” he murmured, holding me close. “You’re fine, and so’s Camila.”

This. Man.

This gorgeous, brave, smells-like-you-expect/hope/pray- for-Axe-body-wash-to-smell (but it doesn’t) man, holding me like a fragile doll and calling me sweetheart is the only man I have allowed to witness a sliver of vulnerability since my dad died. So you can imagine the abject horror I felt at the increasing flip-flop from my guts and the heat pulsing even lower. 

I’ve experienced attraction, okay? I’ve had romantic and sexual partners, I self-lubricate at appropriate times. I orgasm.

But the way Dean Winchester made me feel was so alarming that I have since added that feeling to the stack of alarming things happening after Camila and I opened that bottle of wine.

He loosened his embrace but didn’t pull away completely, looking down at me with curiosity in his tender gaze. “Let’s go.”

Dean ushered me to the front passenger door, opened it, and helped me inside. We were quiet as Dean drove back to my bed and breakfast. The silence allowed my thoughts to dance until he pulled into the alley behind my house.

“They’re just wrapping up with the cops,” Harry said, sliding forward with his phone in hand.

The lights were on inside. Sam was standing in the middle of the kitchen, behind Cami, with one hand on the back of her chair. She was wrapped in a blanket, nodding her head at the men on the other side of the table, and Ed was in the corner, pocketing his phone.

It was all so clear, and I couldn’t wait to get out of the car and inside to hug my sister. 

“Whoa, gotta put the car in park, sweetheart,” Dean chuckled, doing just that.

I guess I really couldn’t wait.

And then I was sprinting to the back door.

Like I said before, Cami is fine. She’s shook, but alive and breathing and not bleeding. I’ve never felt so sick and relieved at the same time or cried so hard. That experience didn’t only bag me the sexiest, warmest, most loving man alive, but it also further strengthened Cami and my priorities for each other. 

Dean kicked the cops out, and Sam made coffee for everyone (which Dean spiked). At some point, the little Ghostfacer dudes squirreled away into guest rooms for the night, Sam and Dean lost their ties, and Cami fell asleep draped across my lap where we were huddled in the front parlor.

“Sammy’ll put her to bed,” Dean whispered, gently tugging me to my feet as Sam indeed lifted Camila in a bridal carry. “Which room you want her in?”

“The one adjoining mine, east wing at the end of the hall.”

Sam nodded, and Cami mumbled, burrowing into his massive chest. He turned and swept toward and up the stairs into the quiet darkness.

“Is it really over?” I asked the house itself as much as Dean. Thankfully, only Dean answered.

“Yeah, it’s over.”

I turned to face him, heaving a sigh. He watched me with that same inquisitive expression as the one from the graveyard, this time with his hands in pockets, sock-footed, sleeves neatly cuffed to his elbows, crisp white collar open at his throat — and he looked like he belonged there in the center of my parlor.

“Agent Black-”

“Yeah... about that...” He dropped his eyes for a beat before looking me in the eye with a renewed spark. “We’re not really federal agents.”

You might think that another surprise would send a person careening into catatonia, but not me. No. No, no, I laughed. I started laughing because it was fucking absurd — the whole thing was berserk, right? 

Cursed objects? Cayenne pepper as some kind of supernatural DEET? This remarkably handsome man existing? I was being Punk’d, right? Is that show still running? What is Ashton Kutcher doing these days anyway?

The answer to me being Punk’d is no. You might want to Google Ashton Kutcher because I still don’t know what he’s doing these days. 

Do I sometimes still stop feeding my chickens to look up at the clear blue sky and pinch myself in case this is all a dream?

The answer to that is yes.

“My name’s Dean Winchester. Sam’s my brother. We've been hunting ghosts and demons and-”

“Demons?!”

The good Catholic girl inside me stammered over that, and Dean nodded slowly, blinking even more slowly as he took a step and reached for me.

“I’ll tell ya everything,” he said with a tired smile and an easy clasp of my hand. “D’you mind if we get a few hours’ sleep first?”

I didn’t mind.

I led him upstairs. We peeked in on Cami, where Sam was watching over her, stretched out on the chaise in that room. They were both fast asleep. 

Dean followed me to my room, and I didn’t think twice about stripping myself bare as I made my way to my ensuite. Before I could conjure any pesky stranger-danger excuses, his hands were on me under the hot spray of water.

The next day, Cami dumped her boyfriend. I have a feeling she’d have done it even if the deadbeat had been assed to make the trip south during her 36-hour absence, but his ineptitude made it easy.

Turns out, the brothers Winchester are more than okay with Cami and my connection. Turns out, they’re more than familiar with that kind of connection too.

Dean molds himself to my back, pressing kisses to the side of my neck and the parts of my shoulder that are bared by my tank top. 

“Almost done? Sammy’s makin’ breakfast.”

I hum, letting him swallow me up. “Shower first?”

Ever since that very first night, Dean and I have showered together just in case the water’s cursed, and if it isn’t? Conservation. Right?

Plus, we really like giving each other orgasms.

Five minutes later...

“God damn, I love your mouth,” I sigh as water sluices over my shoulders and spirals my arms before filtering into his hair, where he’s burying his face between my thighs.

Dean’s let his hair grow lately, giving me a lot more to grab onto, not that he needs direction. (He has a beard, too, which wouldn’t normally be my thing at all, but because I know what’s under there, I’m good with it.)

He hums and licks and moans and sucks. The pressure’s always just right — never too much or not enough. I’ve never had anyone down there who knew as much about eating pussy as Dean Winchester. He’s good with his hands, his dick, and toys, too, but man, he loves giving head and is a mother fucking pro at it.

“Dean,” I gasp and flail, nearly busting through the shower curtain and toppling over the end of the claw-foot tub to my death.

Dean lunges up and hooks an arm around my hips, gathering me closer, and I explode.

“Mmm, such a good girl, Gabriela.” He licks his lips as he drags me into the tub with him. Water beats down on his back as he notches his hips in the place his face just vacated. 

I toss one calf over the back of the tub and watch Dean grip his hard dick to slip and slide along my slit. 

“Don’t tease me, Dean. Get inside.” I thrust my hips and reach for him. 

He cocks a brow, lifting my other knee to drape over the other side of the tub, punching the curtain, and slopping water onto the floor. “Honey, I ain’t teasin’; I’m goin’ easy on ya.”

“Pfft!” Now I’m panting like a dog with my ass suspended three inches above the base of the tub. “Who asked you to take it easy on me? I sure didn’t.”

Dean smirks, wrapping one big hand around one hip and steadily guiding himself inside. 

“Fuck.” I drop my head to the porcelain under me and clamp my hands around the edges of the vintage bath to take what he gives.

Every time.

Every time, he feels so perfectly hardhotsmooth, so thick, so heavy. 

And I can’t not stare because he is perfectly beautiful.

“You’re so beautiful, Gabi,” he whispers as he slides his other hand around my other hip and grinds into me.

“Uhhh!”

We both groan, and my back arches all by itself.

He tells me I’m beautiful, and sometimes it feels like a lie — not because I think he’s dishonest but because Dean Winchester is the most beautiful man I’ve ever known.

He drags out slow, and thrusts back in hard and hot, swearing before biting his lip. 

“Fuckin’ perfect,” he mutters, tossing his head back into the fall of water before looking back down at me as he blinks water out of his eyes. Then he smiles wide and bright, almost like he’s laughing. “Hold on tight.”

I never take Dean’s warnings lightly.

He sets a hard rhythm, grunting with each thrust, and I echo.

“You look so good, baby — fuck me so good.” 

Dean’s a tough guy and everything, but he loves praise. I give him pet names and tell him how smart and strong he is. I am always sure to thank him for every little thing he does to help me. And he goes fucking crazy when I praise him for fucking me right.

“Give it to me,” I breathe, clenching around him. “I love your dick... so hard and thick — please, Dean.”

I can’t pretend with him, either. No praise I ever give him is lip service. I really do love his dick.

He pitches forward, bracing his hands on the edge above my head, stretched over me like a telephone wire, and that fucking shift-

“Hooofuck, I- ahh!” 

Dean arches and grinds up against my g-spot, pinning me in place until I burst.

“Yesyesyes!” Dean beats a hand against the side of the tub in time with my pulses and throbs around him. “Fuck, honey, yes.”

And then five minutes after that...

“All I’m saying is, if you want some alone time,” Sam actually uses air quotes. “Just say so, and we won’t wait. At the kitchen table. Directly beneath your bathroom.”

Dean rolls his eyes, and Cami and I stifle corresponding giggles.

“It’s not like I personally came down here and burned the toast,” Dean pretends to make sense as he folds a piece of bacon into his mouth. “Bacon’s good.”

He looks to me for agreement, and I nod. 

“It is good bacon!” Then I look at Sam. “We’ll be quieter next time.”

Cami guffaws. “No, you won’t!”

I playfully backhand her and shrug. “Probably not, but the bacon’s still good, and I love you guys.”

Sam snorts and shakes his head. “Yeah, OK, I love you, too, Gab.”

“Hey, don’t be gettin’ my girl mixed up with yours.” Dean mumbles around a mouth full of food as he stabs into his pile of fried potatoes.

I peek over at Camila and catch her looking at me. A memory flashes in my mind of pink bubbly and shivering myself to sleep and that awful fear that my sister was gone forever. Then, Camila blinks, and I’m filled with the warmth of knowing she would return to me and that we would both live happily ever after with the perfectly imperfect Winchester brothers from Lawrence, Kansas.

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What did you think?

[mermaidsirennikita]

Hi,

Can you rec books where one of the leads is a servant or similar to it? Not slaves though

I recently read Any Duchess Will Do and wanted to see if there are other books lile it.

Thanks!

I gotcha! And definitely, there are more—Tessa Dare has another one called The Governess Game, which I didn't particularly care for, but lots of people like it. I feel like "governess" is a little different from the standard "servant" role, though (valet, maid, footman, etc). Servants are employees too, obviously, but some roles are more "upstairs" employees (governesses, music teachers, secretaries), versus what I think we often conventionally consider the serving roles.

His Valet by S.M. LaViolette is has a hero whose valet is actually, unbeknownst to him, not a man (she uses she/her pronouns and was assigned female at birth, most readers including me interpret her as nonbinary). This is a GREAT servant romance, because Jo's servitude is both a friction in her relationship with the hero, and something that REALLY gets her going. She loves to serve him... in every way. This is stupid hot but also stupid emotional, with an incredible grovel.

The Postilion by S.M. LaViolette. Another "disguise" romance, this time with a heroine disguised as a postilion (fancy horse boy) working for a kind doctor who recently unexpectedly inherited a title. It's LaViolette, so always be ready for a traumarama backstory, but this one has a somewhat softer hero than her typical standard.

Selina by S.M. LaViolette has an upper-class heroine take a job as a housekeeper (while keeping her identity as a lord's daughter secret) while trying to FIND HERSELF~ as a person. Then she finds out that the angry, reclusive lord of the manor is actually that way because he relatively recently lost his vision in an accident, and romance ensues.

Joss and The Countess by S.M. LaViolette. In this one, the hero is the servant—the widowed heroine's footman/bodyguard while she trolls the city for a proper lover since her (horrid) husband is dead. Of course, Joss is probably a better fit for that job, too. Another favorite of mine, but beware, it can be pretty dark.

Delicious by Sherry Thomas. In this one, the heroine is a cook, and when her boss (and former lover) dies, his .... estranged brother, I think, inherits. Little did she know, the man inheriting is the same man she had this incredible single night with years ago....

The Counterfeit Scoundrel by Lorraine Heath has the hero eyeing up his new maid/housekeeper... except she's actually secretly a private detective hired by a man whose wife the hero is ALLEGEDLY sleeping with.

To Beguile a Beast by Elizabeth Hoyt. The heroine goes to become the scarred, reclusive hero's maid/housekeeper. However, she's also fleeing her horrible lover—taking their two children with her.

Duke of Sin by Elizabeth Hoyt. Bridget is spying on Valentine on the low, but she's also legitimately his housekeeper, and quite good at it.

[renaissanceclassics]

The Pilgrim's Progress: Part 12

Listen to: The 9th Stage continued, at Renaissance Classics Podcast.

Pilgrim's Progress: Pilgrim's Progress: Part One, Section 9 continued... 

I saw then in my dream, that they went till they came into a certain country, whose air naturally tended to make one drowsy, if he came a stranger into it. And here Hopeful began to be very dull and heavy of sleep; wherefore he said unto Christian, I do now begin to grow so drowsy that I can scarcely hold up mine eyes, let us lie down here and take one nap.

Christian:  By no means, said the other, lest sleeping, we never awake more.

Hopeful: Why, my brother? Sleep is sweet to the labouring man; we may be refreshed if we take a nap.

Christian:  Do you not remember that one of the Shepherds bid us beware of the Enchanted Ground? He meant by that that we should beware of sleeping; "Therefore let us not sleep, as do others, but let us watch and be sober." [1 Thess. 5:6]

Hopeful: I acknowledge myself in a fault, and had I been here alone I had by sleeping run the danger of death. I see it is true that the wise man saith, Two are better than one. Hitherto hath thy company been my mercy, and thou shalt have a good reward for thy labour. [Eccl. 9:9]

Christian:  Now then, said Christian, to prevent drowsiness in this place, let us fall into good discourse.

Hopeful: With all my heart, said the other.

Christian:  Where shall we begin?

Hopeful: Where God began with us. But do you begin, if you please.

Christian:  I will sing you first this song:

When saints do sleepy grow, let them come hither, And hear how these two pilgrims talk together: Yea, let them learn of them, in any wise, Thus to keep ope their drowsy slumb'ring eyes. Saints' fellowship, if it be managed well, Keeps them awake, and that in spite of hell.

 Christian:  Then Christian began and said, I will ask you a question. How came you to think at first of so doing as you do now?

Hopeful: Do you mean, how came I at first to look after the good of my soul?

Christian:  Yes, that is my meaning.

Hopeful: I continued a great while in the delight of those things which were seen and sold at our fair; things which, I believe now, would have, had I continued in them, still drowned me in perdition and destruction.

Christian:  What things are they?

Hopeful's life before conversion

Hopeful: All the treasures and riches of the world. Also, I delighted much in rioting, revelling, drinking, swearing, lying, uncleanness, Sabbath-breaking, and what not, that tended to destroy the soul. But I found at last, by hearing and considering of things that are divine, which indeed I heard of you, as also of beloved Faithful that was put to death for his faith and good living in Vanity Fair, that "the end of these things is death". [Rom. 6:21-23] And that for these things' sake "cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience". [Eph. 5:6]

Christian:  And did you presently fall under the power of this conviction?

Hopeful: No, I was not willing presently to know the evil of sin, nor the damnation that follows upon the commission of it; but endeavoured, when my mind at first began to be shaken with the Word, to shut mine eyes against the light thereof.

Christian:  But what was the cause of your carrying of it thus to the first workings of God's blessed Spirit upon you?

Hopeful: The causes were, 1. I was ignorant that this was the work of God upon me. I never thought that, by awakenings for sin, God at first begins the conversion of a sinner. 2. Sin was yet very sweet to my flesh, and I was loath to leave it. 3. I could not tell how to part with mine old companions, their presence and actions were so desirable unto me. 4. The hours in which convictions were upon me were such troublesome and such heart-affrighting hours that I could not bear, no not so much as the remembrance of them, upon my heart.

Christian:  Then, as it seems, sometimes you got rid of your trouble.

Hopeful: Yes, verily, but it would come into my mind again, and then I should be as bad, nay, worse, than I was before.

Christian:  Why, what was it that brought your sins to mind again?

Hopeful: Many things; as,

If I did but meet a good man in the streets; or,

If I have heard any read in the Bible; or,

If mine head did begin to ache; or,

If I were told that some of my neighbours were sick; or,

If I heard the bell toll for some that were dead; or,

If I thought of dying myself; or,

If I heard that sudden death happened to others;

But especially, when I thought of myself, that I must quickly come to judgment.

 Christian:  And could you at any time, with ease, get off the guilt of sin, when by any of these ways it came upon you?

Hopeful: No, not I, for then they got faster hold of my conscience; and then, if I did but think of going back to sin, (though my mind was turned against it), it would be double torment to me.

Christian:  And how did you do then?

Hopeful: I thought I must endeavour to mend my life; for else, thought I, I am sure to be damned.

 Christian:  And did you endeavour to mend?

Hopeful: Yes; and fled from not only my sins, but sinful company too; and betook me to religious duties, as prayer, reading, weeping for sin, speaking truth to my neighbours, &c. These things did I, with many others, too much here to relate.

Christian:  And did you think yourself well then?

Hopeful: Yes, for a while; but at the last, my trouble came tumbling upon me again, and that over the neck of all my reformations.

 Christian:  How came that about, since you were now reformed?

Hopeful: There were several things brought it upon me, especially such sayings as these: "All our righteousnesses are as filthy rags." [Isa. 64:6] "By the works of the law shall no flesh be justified." [Gal. 2:16] "When ye shall have done all those things, say, We are unprofitable", [Luke 17:10] with many more such like. From whence I began to reason with myself thus: If ALL my righteousnesses are filthy rags; if, by the deeds of the law, NO man can be justified; and if, when we have done ALL, we are yet unprofitable, then it is but a folly to think of heaven by the law. I further thought thus: If a man runs a hundred pounds into the shopkeeper's debt, and after that shall pay for all that he shall fetch; yet, if this old debt stands still in the book uncrossed, for that the shopkeeper may sue him, and cast him into prison till he shall pay the debt.

Christian:  Well, and how did you apply this to yourself?

Hopeful: Why; I thought thus with myself. I have, by my sins, run a great way into God's book, and that my now reforming will not pay off that score; therefore I should think still, under all my present amendments, But how shall I be freed from that damnation that I have brought myself in danger of by my former transgressions?

 Christian:  A very good application: but, pray, go on.

Hopeful: Another thing that hath troubled me, even since my late amendments, is, that if I look narrowly into the best of what I do now, I still see sin, new sin, mixing itself with the best of that I do; so that now I am forced to conclude, that notwithstanding my former fond conceits of myself and duties, I have committed sin enough in one duty to send me to hell, though my former life had been faultless.

Christian:  And what did you do then?

Hopeful: Do! I could not tell what to do, until I brake my mind to Faithful, for he and I were well acquainted. And he told me, that unless I could obtain the righteousness of a man that never had sinned, neither mine own, nor all the righteousness of the world could save me.

Christian:  And did you think he spake true?

Hopeful: Had he told me so when I was pleased and satisfied with mine own amendment, I had called him fool for his pains; but now, since I see mine own infirmity, and the sin that cleaves to my best performance, I have been forced to be of his opinion.

 Christian:  But did you think, when at first he suggested it to you, that there was such a man to be found, of whom it might justly be said that he never committed sin?

Hopeful: I must confess the words at first sounded strangely, but after a little more talk and company with him, I had full conviction about it.

Christian:  And did you ask him what man this was, and how you must be justified by him?

Hopeful: Yes, and he told me it was the Lord Jesus, that dwelleth on the right hand of the Most High. And thus, said he, you must be justified by him, even by trusting to what he hath done by himself, in the days of his flesh, and suffered when he did hang on the tree. I asked him further, how that man's righteousness could be of that efficacy to justify another before God? And he told me he was the mighty God, and did what he did, and died the death also, not for himself, but for me; to whom his doings, and the worthiness of them, should be imputed, if I believed on him. [Heb. 10, Rom. 6, Col. 1, 1 Pet. 1]

 Christian:  And what did you do then?

Hopeful: I made my objections against my believing, for that I thought he was not willing to save me.

Christian:  And what said Faithful to you then?

Hopeful: He bid me go to him and see. Then I said it was presumption; but he said, No, for I was invited to come. [Matt. 11:28] Then he gave me a book of Jesus, his inditing, to encourage me the more freely to come; and he said, concerning that book, that every jot and tittle thereof stood firmer than heaven and earth. [Matt. 24:35] Then I asked him, What I must do when I came; and he told me, I must entreat upon my knees, with all my heart and soul, the Father to reveal him to me. [Ps. 95:6, Dan. 6:10, Jer. 29:12,13] Then I asked him further, how I must make my supplication to him? And he said, Go, and thou shalt find him upon a mercy-seat, where he sits all the year long, to give pardon and forgiveness to them that come. I told him that I knew not what to say when I came. And he bid me say to this effect: God be merciful to me a sinner, and make me to know and believe in Jesus Christ; for I see, that if his righteousness had not been, or I have not faith in that righteousness, I am utterly cast away. Lord, I have heard that thou art a merciful God, and hast ordained that thy Son Jesus Christ should be the Saviour of the world; and moreover, that thou art willing to bestow him upon such a poor sinner as I am, (and I am a sinner indeed); Lord, take therefore this opportunity and magnify thy grace in the salvation of my soul, through thy Son Jesus Christ. Amen. [Exo. 25:22, Lev. 16:2, Num. 7:89, Heb. 4:16]

 Christian:  And did you do as you were bidden?

Hopeful: Yes; over, and over, and over.

Christian:  And did the Father reveal his Son to you?

Hopeful: Not at the first, nor second, nor third, nor fourth, nor fifth; no, nor at the sixth time neither.

Christian:  What did you do then?

Hopeful: What! why I could not tell what to do.

Christian:  Had you not thoughts of leaving off praying?

Hopeful: Yes; an hundred times twice told.

Christian:  And what was the reason you did not?

Hopeful: I believed that that was true which had been told me, to wit, that without the righteousness of this Christ, all the world could not save me; and therefore, thought I with myself, if I leave off I die, and I can but die at the throne of grace. And withal, this came into my mind, "Though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry." [Heb. 2:3] So I continued praying until the Father showed me his Son.

 Christian:  And how was he revealed unto you?

Hopeful: I did not see him with my bodily eyes, but with the eyes of my understanding; [Eph. 1:18,19] and thus it was: One day I was very sad, I think sadder than at any one time in my life, and this sadness was through a fresh sight of the greatness and vileness of my sins. And as I was then looking for nothing but hell, and the everlasting damnation of my soul, suddenly, as I thought, I saw the Lord Jesus Christ look down from heaven upon me, and saying, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved." [Acts 16:30,31]

But I replied, Lord, I am a great, a very great sinner. And he answered, "My grace is sufficient for thee." [2 Cor.12:9] Then I said, But, Lord, what is believing? And then I saw from that saying, "He that cometh to me shall never hunger, and he that believeth on me shall never thirst", that believing and coming was all one; and that he that came, that is, ran out in his heart and affections after salvation by Christ, he indeed believed in Christ. [John 6:35] Then the water stood in mine eyes, and I asked further. But, Lord, may such a great sinner as I am be indeed accepted of thee, and be saved by thee? And I heard him say, "And him that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out." [John 6:37] Then I said, But how, Lord, must I consider of thee in my coming to thee, that my faith may be placed aright upon thee? Then he said, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners." [1 Tim. 1:15] "He is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believeth." [Rom. 10:4] "He died for our sins, and rose again for our justification." [Rom. 4:25] "He loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood." [Rev. 1:5] "He is mediator betwixt God and us." [1 Tim. 2:5] "He ever liveth to make intercession for us." [Heb. 7:24,25] From all which I gathered, that I must look for righteousness in his person, and for satisfaction for my sins by his blood; that what he did in obedience to his Father's law, and in submitting to the penalty thereof, was not for himself, but for him that will accept it for his salvation, and be thankful. And now was my heart full of joy, mine eyes full of tears, and mine affections running over with love to the name, people, and ways of Jesus Christ.

 Christian:  This was a revelation of Christ to your soul indeed; but tell me particularly what effect this had upon your spirit.

Hopeful: It made me see that all the world, notwithstanding all the righteousness thereof, is in a state of condemnation. It made me see that God the Father, though he be just, can justly justify the coming sinner. It made me greatly ashamed of the vileness of my former life, and confounded me with the sense of mine own ignorance; for there never came thought into my heart before now that showed me so the beauty of Jesus Christ. It made me love a holy life, and long to do something for the honour and glory of the name of the Lord Jesus; yea, I thought that had I now a thousand gallons of blood in my body, I could spill it all for the sake of the Lord Jesus.

I saw then in my dream that Hopeful looked back and saw Ignorance, whom they had left behind, coming after. Look, said he to Christian, how far yonder youngster loitereth behind.

Christian:  Ay, ay, I see him; he careth not for our company.

Hopeful: But I trow it would not have hurt him had he kept pace with us hitherto.

Christian:  That is true; but I warrant you he thinketh otherwise.

Hopeful: That, I think, he doth; but, however, let us tarry for him. So they did.

Then Christian said to him, Come away, man, why do you stay so behind?

Ignorance: I take my pleasure in walking alone, even more a great deal than in company, unless I like it the better.

Then said Christian to Hopeful, (but softly), Did I not tell you he cared not for our company? But, however, said he, come up, and let us talk away the time in this solitary place. Then directing his speech to Ignorance, he said, Come, how do you? How stands it between God and your soul now?

Ignorance's hope, and the ground of it

Ignorance: I hope well; for I am always full of good motions, that come into my mind, to comfort me as I walk.

Christian:  What good motions? pray, tell us.

Ignorance: Why, I think of God and heaven.

Christian:  So do the devils and damned souls.

Ignorance: But I think of them and desire them.

Christian:  So do many that are never like to come there. "The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing." [Prov. 13:4]

Ignorance: But I think of them, and leave all for them.

Christian:  That I doubt; for leaving all is a hard matter: yea, a harder matter than many are aware of. But why, or by what, art thou persuaded that thou hast left all for God and heaven.

Ignorance: My heart tells me so.

Christian:  The wise man says, "He that trusts his own heart is a fool." [Prov. 28:26]

Ignorance: This is spoken of an evil heart, but mine is a good one.

Christian:  But how dost thou prove that?

Ignorance: It comforts me in hopes of heaven.

Christian:  That may be through its deceitfulness; for a man's heart may minister comfort to him in the hopes of that thing for which he yet has no ground to hope.

Ignorance: But my heart and life agree together, and therefore my hope is well grounded.

Christian:  Who told thee that thy heart and life agree together?

Ignorance: My heart tells me so.

Christian:  Ask my fellow if I be a thief! Thy heart tells thee so! Except the Word of God beareth witness in this matter, other testimony is of no value.

Ignorance: But is it not a good heart that hath good thoughts? and is not that a good life that is according to God's commandments?

Christian:  Yes, that is a good heart that hath good thoughts, and that is a good life that is according to God's commandments; but it is one thing, indeed, to have these, and another thing only to think so.

Ignorance: Pray, what count you good thoughts, and a life according to God's commandments?

Christian:  There are good thoughts of divers kinds; some respecting ourselves, some God, some Christ, and some other things.

Ignorance: What be good thoughts respecting ourselves?

Christian:  Such as agree with the Word of God.

Ignorance: When do our thoughts of ourselves agree with the Word of God?

Christian:  When we pass the same judgment upon ourselves which the Word passes. To explain myself the Word of God saith of persons in a natural condition, "There is none righteous, there is none that doeth good." [Rom. 3] It saith also, that "every imagination of the heart of man is only evil, and that continually." [Gen. 6:5] And again, "The imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth." [Rom. 8:21] Now then, when we think thus of ourselves, having sense thereof, then are our thoughts good ones, because according to the Word of God.

Ignorance: I will never believe that my heart is thus bad.

Christian:  Therefore thou never hadst one good thought concerning thyself in thy life. But let me go on. As the Word passeth a judgment upon our heart, so it passeth a judgment upon our ways; and when OUR thoughts of our hearts and ways agree with the judgment which the Word giveth of both, then are both good, because agreeing thereto.

Ignorance: Make out your meaning.

Christian:  Why, the Word of God saith that man's ways are crooked ways; not good, but perverse. [Ps. 125:5, Prov. 2:15] It saith they are naturally out of the good way, that they have not known it. [Rom. 3] Now, when a man thus thinketh of his ways, I say, when he doth sensibly, and with heart-humiliation, thus think, then hath he good thoughts of his own ways, because his thoughts now agree with the judgment of the Word of God.

Ignorance: What are good thoughts concerning God?

Christian:  Even as I have said concerning ourselves, when our thoughts of God do agree with what the Word saith of him; and that is, when we think of his being and attributes as the Word hath taught, of which I cannot now discourse at large; but to speak of him with reference to us: Then we have right thoughts of God, when we think that he knows us better than we know ourselves, and can see sin in us when and where we can see none in ourselves; when we think he knows our inmost thoughts, and that our heart, with all its depths, is always open unto his eyes; also, when we think that all our righteousness stinks in his nostrils, and that, therefore, he cannot abide to see us stand before him in any confidence, even in all our best performances.

Ignorance: Do you think that I am such a fool as to think God can see no further than I? or, that I would come to God in the best of my performances?

Christian:  Why, how dost thou think in this matter?

Ignorance: Why, to be short, I think I must believe in Christ for justification.

Christian:  How! think thou must believe in Christ, when thou seest not thy need of him! Thou neither seest thy original nor actual infirmities; but hast such an opinion of thyself, and of what thou dost, as plainly renders thee to be one that did never see a necessity of Christ's personal righteousness to justify thee before God. How, then, dost thou say, I believe in Christ?

Ignorance: I believe well enough for all that.

Christian:  How dost thou believe?

Ignorance: I believe that Christ died for sinners, and that I shall be justified before God from the curse, through his gracious acceptance of my obedience to his law. Or thus, Christ makes my duties, that are religious, acceptable to his Father, by virtue of his merits; and so shall I be justified.

 Christian:  Let me give an answer to this confession of thy Faithful:  

1. Thou believest with a fantastical faith; for this faith is nowhere described in the Word.

2. Thou believest with a false faith; because it taketh justification from the personal righteousness of Christ, and applies it to thy own.

3. This faith maketh not Christ a justifier of thy person, but of thy actions; and of thy person for thy actions' sake, which is false.

4. Therefore, this faith is deceitful, even such as will leave thee under wrath, in the day of God Almighty; for true justifying faith puts the soul, as sensible of its condition by the law, upon flying for refuge unto Christ's righteousness, which righteousness of his is not an act of grace, by which he maketh for justification, thy obedience accepted with God; but his personal obedience to the law, in doing and suffering for us what that required at our hands; this righteousness, I say, true faith accepteth; under the skirt of which, the soul being shrouded, and by it presented as spotless before God, it is accepted, and acquit from condemnation.

Ignorance: What! would you have us trust to what Christ, in his own person, has done without us? This conceit would loosen the reins of our lust, and tolerate us to live as we list; for what matter how we live, if we may be justified by Christ's personal righteousness from all, when we believe it?

Christian:  Ignorance is thy name, and as thy name is, so art thou; even this thy answer demonstrateth what I say. Ignorant thou art of what justifying righteousness is, and as ignorant how to secure thy soul, through the faith of it, from the heavy wrath of God. Yea, thou also art ignorant of the true effects of saving faith in this righteousness of Christ, which is, to bow and win over the heart to God in Christ, to love his name, his word, ways, and people, and not as thou ignorantly imaginest.

Hopeful: Ask him if ever he had Christ revealed to him from heaven.

Ignorance: What! you are a man for revelations! I believe that what both you, and all the rest of you, say about that matter, is but the fruit of distracted brains.

Hopeful: Why, man! Christ is so hid in God from the natural apprehensions of the flesh, that he cannot by any man be savingly known, unless God the Father reveals him to them.

Ignorance: That is your faith, but not mine; yet mine, I doubt not, is as good as yours, though I have not in my head so many whimsies as you.

Christian:  Give me leave to put in a word. You ought not so slightly to speak of this matter; for this I will boldly affirm, even as my good companion hath done, that no man can know Jesus Christ but by the revelation of the Father; [Matt. 11:27] yea, and faith too, by which the soul layeth hold upon Christ, if it be right, must be wrought by the exceeding greatness of his mighty power; the working of which faith, I perceive, poor Ignorance, thou art ignorant of. [1 Cor. 12:3, Eph. 1:18,19] Be awakened, then, see thine own wretchedness, and fly to the Lord Jesus; and by his righteousness, which is the righteousness of God, for he himself is God, thou shalt be delivered from condemnation.

Ignorance: You go so fast, I cannot keep pace with you. Do you go on before; I must stay a while behind.

Then they said

Well, Ignorance, wilt thou yet foolish be, To slight good counsel, ten times given thee? And if thou yet refuse it, thou shalt know, Ere long, the evil of thy doing so. Remember, man, in time, stoop, do not fear; Good counsel taken well, saves: therefore hear. But if thou yet shalt slight it, thou wilt be The loser, (Ignorance), I'll warrant thee.

[makosgotmoxie]

Critical Role Campaign 3 Episode 6 Quote List 

"I'd love to see your insides."

"What the fuck is up with that?" 

"I'd rather be here with you drinking this diarrhea water looking thing than be with my family."

"To Prince Dorian!"

"Why would you use the word cocked for that?" "Why wouldn't you?"

"That's not true. I deeply love Imogen."

"Sorry to bust in on your what the fuck is up with that."

"When Laudna came to town it was the first time I'd felt peace for a really long time."

"Are the others you talked about .. oatmeal and pussy? .. are they the only other ones like you?"

"Why would you start the day with a sourpuss?"

"Terrifying, great."

"Are you dead? What the fuck is up with that?"

"Well, I definitely died."

"The Briarwoods?" "Mhm. One of them kind of pops in my head every now and then."

"But you're okay being dead? It doesn't cause you sadness anymore?" "This is the weirdest fucking game I have ever played."

"You are pretty trashed, so I'll say disadvantage." "Not gonna need it, that's a one."

"Oh .. oh, Laudna."

"When everyone else goes to sleep, I think I'm just gonna hang myself upside down because I don't think this is good."

"I was not built with a poop chute of any sort."

"Ah, you're like the cool side of a pillow." "You just hear my shoulder dislocate."

"I'm just lying."

"Magneto helmets for all."

"Nothing is worse than being in uncomfortable circumstances without your moisturizer."

"Wow. Short guy, low blows."

"Oh well that's where I draw the line. I don't like sharing things."

"You are nothing if not an interesting way to start my day."

"Oh, it's not a real doctor. It's just a bird that's a friend of mine that I named Dr. Nesbitt."

"Are you redacting things." "Yup."

"It's a compromise. No one's happy."

"I don't know that kind of feels genuine as fuck."

"Beware of the theater."

"The Sweet .. Bell .. peppers."

"I love Fearne so much."

"Do you need any ushers?"

"I'm going to try to take the 10 platinum out of his pocket."

"I love dumb."

"You got a brother?" "I do." "And you got a letter?" "I do." "And you're dead?!" *preens*

[meetmeinthefamilyvideo]

Call it even

Fuckboy!Bucky x f!reader (they’re both avengers) chapter 2

Summary: Bucky and reader used to be friends with benefits until she left for a 6 month-mission with the X-men. Bucky copes by meeting random women, but none of them were her. Until she came back.

Warning: bad writing, some angst, a little tiny allusion to smut so ANYONE UNDER 18 DNI you will be immediately blocked, Bucky being an asshole, reader being an asshole, two idiots madly in love but the other doesn’t realize it.

Word count: 918 words written on my phone so beware of typos. Other chapters will be longer btw this is an exposition fest

notes: this is my first fic in at least 5 years and my first time writing anything remotely close to smut, so it probably sucks but feel free to judge me pls, the characters will call the reader “babygirl”. Also flashbacks will be in bold italics.

Inspo: tis the damn season by Taylor Swift, common friends with benefits tropes, readers powers based on some of Sage from the x-men.

“Mr. Maximoff and Ms. y/l/n are in the elevator coming to this floor” F.R.I.D.A.Y. announced to the common living area where all the avengers were located currently. Steve noticed how Bucky winced at the sound of her name, stood up and left before she could see him.

“Pietro, Babygirl!! you’re here” Wanda exclaims as she jumps to hug her brother and her best friend. Everyone comes to greet the two mutants who endured a 6 month-long mission with the X-men.

Natasha noticed y/n’s eyes wandering around trying to find Bucky but failing. Wanda didn’t need to read her mind to know what she was thinking of. Babygirl agreed to go on a mission with the x-men.

The reason? She was catching feelings for Bucky which is the one thing she agreed wouldn’t happened when they started being friends with benefits, so she decided to go to this mission to avoid those feelings. She didn’t even tell him she was going to leave, only Nat, Wanda and Tony knew.

After chatting with everyone Pietro left with Steve and Tony to debrief them on the mission and some other plans they had with the x-men. You talked to Wanda and Nat about the mission as you approached your room to unpack your stuff.

Having just finished folding some shirts, Natasha sat at your couch and said “you know, Barnes closed himself off when you left. He barely talks to any of us.”

“Oh really? A little birdie told me that he has been really enjoying himself” you answered sarcastically. Pietro had told you a month into the mission that, as he put it “Your friend with the robot arm has become involved with a friend of mine, they said he is sleeping in a new bed each night if you know what I mean” Which stung a little more than you would like to admit. The fact that someone that’s on the mission with you knows, means that it’s more than a few people and he’s probably over you.

“He’s not over you babygirl, if you ask me it’s more like he can’t get over you” Wanda tells you, reading your mind.

“Funny way of showing it, if you love someone the best course of action is to have sex with everyone else” you responded irritated.

“If I could Ms. y/l/n and I’m sorry to intrude, you did leave without telling him anything” Vision interfered, he had entered the room through the wall. Disregarding the fact that he invaded your space and scolding him, you let the three of them convince you to talk to him, you were great friends before and you shouldn’t let that get ruined.

You made your way to Bucky’s room. Like second nature you opened his lock and entered like you used to before, only this time Bucky didn’t answer like he used to. You came into his room tiptoeing so he didn’t hear you, his attention was solely on the book he was reading while lying on his bed. You straddled and took his book from his hands “hey handsome, how’s the reading going?” Bucky smirks, moving his hands to your hips and says “it was pretty good until some pretty girl came and interrupted me” you gasp “oh no, she must be so bad. What are you gonna do about it?” Your ass cheek gets a slap. “how about I teach her a lesson” Bucky says closing the space between your lips.

No, this time he looked at you in shock “how did you get here?” Here raised his eyebrows “I opened your lock, you know I have photographic memory Bucky, and even if I didn’t I only left six months I would’ve probably remembered it” he huffed as you said that.

“Oh right, so then why did you forget to tell me you were going?” You feel him getting tense. Your abilities let you recognize and feel how others are doing emotionally and also physically.

“So you care about me not being here? From what I heard you’ve been doing just fine without me.” You tell him defiantly.

“Well I guess we’re even aren’t we Doll? We both had our fun. If you don’t think what you did was bad then what’s wrong about me hanging around. It’s not Violetas’ fault you don’t care about your friend.” He said smugly, was he enjoying this? Were you enjoying this?

“Listen, if I wanted to know who you’re fucking I would’ve asked. Thank you very much.” you rolled your eyes at his gloating.

“What’s that Babygirl? Are you jealous?” He approached you, you see where this is going. To be honest you don’t mind it, but after Vision spoke with you you felt you had to apologize. Maybe just not right now.

“Jealous of what Sarge?” You’re playing with fire calling him that name. “You and I both know that no one has ever made you feel as good as I have” you step towards him, placing your hands on his broad shoulders.

Bucky grabs your ass and he smacks its right cheek, “oh yeah? How about you show me?” You can tell he’s still mad, and that he’s going to show you how much he missed you.

…………

You woke up in the middle of the night in his bed, realizing you probably fucked up running back into his arms without telling him anything about how you felt. You have a feeling this is not going to end well.

[wonniexy]

# I THINK I'VE SEEN THIS FILM BEFORE | enhypen

♡ hello, and welcome to my new series, "I think I've seen this film before", based on some of my favourite (sad) songs and starring the enhypen members!

♡ I really do not have much to say about this collection of mine, except, perhaps, "beware of angst". I haven't been able to write in a while, so I sincerely hope my works will still be of someone's liking (guys, really, scream at me if something does not make any sense).

♡ if anyone would like to be added to one (or more) of taglists in the stories, please send me either a DM or an ask !

♡ the fics urls will be added on their respective titles as soon as I publish them ^^

♡ enjoy <3

♡ the details of the stories are under the cut !

☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️☁️

NONE OF ME — lee heeseung

synopsis: Heeseung is drifting away, but the truth is that you both are. Heeseung is lost, but perhaps it was you who lost yourself first. A chasm of loneliness, a maze made out of closed doors, three thousand wrong steps that lead everything to fall under your own feet. In the end, you can say you tried, but is that really true? Yours are all nice and poetic words, but which one of you has ever really meant them? Love and fear of love in just one chapter of a story that no one will ever write: yours. Without one of you, there is none of the other. But one of you has forgotten how to find the other, and the other has forgotten how to be found.

genre/tropes: slight angst, established relationship au, break up au

pairing: non-idol!heeseung × gn!reader

word count: 1.6k

warnings: feeling lost emotionally, holding onto the other person

based on: VO!D – Hyunjun Hur

SAME OLD — park jongseong (jay)

synopsis: it's been two years since you and Jay ended your relationship. In two years, you've never crossed paths again. Since you said goodbye, you have known little or nothing about each other. You know that Jay had left for America six months after your breakup and he knows that your brother got married. Little, nothing. But now you're sitting in the corner of the coffee shop where you used to meet in the past, and his scent is too him to forget. Your eyes meet as if it's magic and so many things remain unsaid. You are still the same, just with something different from Jay in your life. Jay is still the same, just with something different from you in his life.

genre/tropes: slight angst, exes meet again au, the past comes back

pairing: non-idol!jay × gn!reader

word count: tba

warnings: tba

based on: same old – SHY Martin

WHY, WHY, WHY — sim jaeyun (jake)

synopsis: it's 12:05 in the morning when Jake almost dials your number, which he knows by heart, on the keypad of his mobile phone with the innocence of a boy who has only been out of a relationship for a few weeks. Almost, because you are no longer together. At 12:06, thoughts begin to suffocate him and keep him awake under the lights of a city that, just like him, can't sleep. He should move on, he tells himself, but why, exactly? Why didn't it work out between you? Why is what you had gone now? When he gets home, half past midnight rings, but no answer opens the door to him.

genre/tropes: slight angst, exes au, nostalgia au (?)

pairing: non-idol!jake × gn!reader

word count: tba

warnings: tba

based on: WAYO – Bang Yedam

WE SAID GOODBYE — park sunghoon

synopsis: you and Sunghoon have been together for so long that you hardly remember what it's like to be alone. You never thought that one day he would no longer be by your side and Sunghoon had no doubt that you would last forever. Yet, four months into the preparations for the wedding you had been planning for years, all the good things about your relationship die away and everything you had thought about in the past turns into a big question mark. You two have done everything a couple could have done, and it's time those beautiful times come to an end. You have loved each other, you have flown together, you both want the best and still care for each other, and now you are saying goodbye.

genre/tropes: slight angst, broken engagement au

pairing: non-idol!sunghoon × gn!reader

word count: tba

warnings: tba

based on: Didn't I – OneRepublic

COLDER — kim sunoo

synopsis: you know you love Sunoo, but he only has eyes for someone else. He only has words for her as well. It hurts to see him smiling at the girl he fell for in freshman year of high school, while your eyes moisten every time he tells you that you're his best friend. Only his best friend. And maybe it hurts more because you've known Sunoo since you were born and, in the fairy tale you thought your story was, it should have been you kissing him in front of the lit candles on his birthday cake. He likes her better. You oh-so wish you were her. The third of December seems colder to you this year.

genre/tropes: slight angst, best friends au, unrequited love au

pairing: non-idol!sunoo × gn!reader

word count: tba

warnings: tba

based on: Heather – Conan Gray

IT THAT'S HOW IT ENDS — yang jungwon

synopsis: watching him as he walks away, without looking back even once, breaks your heart in half. Yet you were the one asking him to leave. All the words you could have said to him echo in your head along with all the moments you spent together. Jungwon doesn't look back, because falling in front of you when it's always been his job to protect you is not in his dictionary. He waits until he's turned the corner of your street before taking a moment to breathe and close his eyes to chase away all the hurt he's feeling. Neither of you has shed a single tear in front of the other, but you both know that if everything has to end this way, you don't want to love anymore.

genre/tropes: slight angst, break up au, lovers to exes

pairing: non-idol!jungwon × gn!reader

word count: tba

warnings: tba

based on: The Night You Left – Ashley Kutcher

YOU, YELLOW — nishimura riki (niki)

synopsis: first love never dies. Niki filled your life with his creativity, his vitality, his desire for adventure. With his yellow. He drew you, just as you drew him. Paper, color, then paper again and color once more. Moving on always hurts a little, because growing up is for everyone, but accepting it is never easy. Fifteen years old. The first love. The first flower. The first foreign hand to hold. The first portrait. Everything was yellow and, in your memory, Niki will always be yellow too.

genre/tropes: slight angst, first love au, lovers to friends

pairing: non-idol!niki × gn!reader

word count: tba

warnings: tba

based on: Yellow – Coldplay

[harrypotter-imaginess]

Etsy Store Here l Ko-Fi l Commission Info I Instagram I Zine

Based on this Headcanon list (x) : Part 1 Here! / Part 2 Here! / Part 3 Here! / Part 4 Here! <This is Part 5!>

A/N: As said, I switched to a headcanon list because we have 7 books to get through, and it will take years if I only do the blurbs. Oh, and if you are in the market for some cute pro-Weasley shirts, check out my 'Weasley Suprmeacy' shirt here!

Let me know if you want to be added to the tag list!

* It’s your third year at Hogwarts, Harry Potter’s second, and you’re having a pretty good year so far

* You’ve made your house team, and you’re doing pretty good in school, in fact, you’ve got a knack for potions and herbology

* “Good thing too or we’d be stuck up a creek without ya” Fred says grinning as he watches you show him how to make the simple “cure for boils” potion

* “And not sooner either, these things hurt more than you think” George complains, wincing every time he touches one

* “Well what did you think was going to happen when you tried to go into the girl’s changing room?” You ask with a sigh

* “In our defense we didn’t know it was the girls changing room, we just wanted a shortcut to the pitch”

* You hide a smile, that sounds about right

* Life is pretty good

* Until it isn’t

* “Enemy’s of the heir beware” the words leave your mouth in a murmur

* Your eyes trained on the blood-coated words on the wall

* You think you're going to be sick

* “That’s right you’ll be next mudbloods!” Draco shouts and immediately you feel two hands clasp both of your shoulders

* One is Fred’s and the other is George’s

* They insist on walking you back to your dorm

* “Really I’ll be fine, you should go check on your brother, Ginny was looking a little pale too” you insist but they keep pushing you forward

* “We can do that after you get back to your common room safely”

* If you’re Muggle-born they’re really protective of you over the next few months

* You’ve woken up to taping on your window more than once, yawning as you walk over to see who it is

* Only to see your favorite red-headed pair of doppelgängers

* “Couldn’t sleep” Fred says with a yawn

* “We were too afraid the heir of Slytherin would kill us in our sleep” George adds

* “Best we sleep here, so you can protect us and keep us safe” they finish in unison

* The next morning your dorm mates wake up to see them sleeping on the floor at the foot of your bed, drooling all over each other, wands clasped in their hands

* They absolutely refuse to let you stay in the castle for Christmas

* “Nope, no, no way in bloody hell,” George says defiantly

* “But I want-“

* “If you’ve got a death wish, you can just come home with us and eat mum’s cooking-”

* “So good you’ll go to heaven”

* They’re tugging you to the station before you can even protest

* “What about Ron?” You ask

* “What about Ron? He’s a big boy, besides it looks like those three are scheming-“ George starts

* “Schemings best left to the young ones, us old-timers have no place in it, best for us to go home and have some Christmas pudding, isn’t that right Percy?”

* Percy, who was only passing by gives you three a quizzical look before turning away with a shake of his head

* “Whatever nonsense you’re up to, leave me out of it”

* Fred turns to you with a grin

* “See even Percy agrees, leave the nonsense to the youngins’”

* Percy just keeps shaking his head

* “Come, Ginny, let’s sit somewhere away from them- don’t want you to be around bad influences”

* Their parents are thrilled to meet you

* “So you’re (Y/N)! We’ve heard so much about you-“

* So the twins talk about you at home huh?

* “- from Percy, he says your next in line to make prefect in your house,” she says patting you affectionately on the shoulder

* Percy nods from behind her

* “Cedric’s been recommending you to Sprout” He adds

* Your face burns and the twins grin behind you

* “Prefect (Y/N) I like the sound of that” George says with a mischievous grin

* “Don’t forget us when you’re rich and famous, soaking in the prefect bathroom like a big shot”

* You roll your eyes

* “Well since I’m such a big shot I guess I can overlook when you explode a toilet or two”

* The Weasley’s stay up until well past midnight for Christmas

* Molly knits you a matching scarf for the sweater she gave you last year

* “Well doesn’t it look dashing on you!” She says with a smile and she wraps it around your neck

* George and Fred are nervous you might not like it but you grin

* “I love it”

* George scrambles over

* “You want my scarf too?” He says already unwrapping his from around his neck

* “Take mine too, you look awfully cold,” Fred says

* There’s a Polaroid somewhere of you swaddled in five scarfs while Ginny and the twins laugh

* Percy is in the background looking disappointed- but one of those scarves is how

* At night, when the sleeping arrangements are all drawn up you’re with Ginny

* You lie side by side in her bed, you’re half asleep

* “Can I talk to you about something”

* You yawn and nod, not moving

* And then when she doesn’t say anything you say-

* “About Harry?”

* There’s another silence, but this one feels heavier somehow, and it wakes you up a bit

* “Just send him some chocolates for Valentine’s Day” you yawn patting her shoulder

* “Sign it with ‘your secret admirer’ if it makes you too nervous” you yawn again, feeling your eyes droop

* Is that why she’s been looking so sick lately? Too many nights lying awake at night thinking about a boy who doesn’t share her feelings

* “You know Ginny if something does nothing but cause you pain, and I know it’s not very Gryffindor-like, but you can just walk away from it yknow” you’re slurring, barely awake.

* “I can’t just walk away?” She asks and you nod

* “Of course you can”

* And then you fall asleep

* Completely forgetting about the conversation until it’s Valentine’s Day and you see Harry followed around by a singing valentine

* “So this is the fantastic advice you gave Ginny?” George asks, a teasing smile lifting onto his face

* “I told her to give chocolates! I don’t know a boy alive who doesn’t like sweets”

* “Well where’s our chocolate then?” Fred asks expectantly

* You look to George for some support, but he’s looking at you expectantly too

* “Oh I get it, all your chocolates are saved for pretty boy Diggory”

* You roll your eyes and shake your head while walking away

* What’s up with them and thinking that you have a crush on Cedric

* They do come back to their dorms with small bags of chocolate on their beds, just two pieces each

* But they smile like you gave them a lump of gold

* “Did you make them by hand?” One teases

* “Tasted like they were made with love, and all those warm fuzzy feelings” the other finishes

* You roll your eyes

* “You should just be glad the house-elf I found didn’t mind me taking a bit of chocolate”

* It surprises both of them that you actually did make them by hand

* They were really just teasing

* George is the one to make the first move

* “Well next time you go invite us too, I think it would be fun to learn how to make chocolates”

* George wraps an arm around your shoulders

* “We could give them to Snape and make him think he has a secret admirer,” Fred says with a grin, wrapping one of his arms around your shoulders as well

* “Send him a singing Telegraph and everything” George grins

* You shake your head and laugh, what a couple of bozos

* It is pretty funny to see Snape get all flustered though

* They get even more protective when Muggle-born students start getting petrified

* You’re never without one, or both of them

* “Looks like your bodyguard is here,” Cedric says with a teasing smile when he sees George waiting in the corridor outside your class for you

* You nod, moving to go meet him when you feel a gentle touch on your arm

* “Let him know that if he’s ever looking for a career change, I’ll gladly fill the spot” he ruffles your hair before you leave and you can see the teasing coming from a mile away

* But George doesn’t say anything when you walk over to him, walking together to transfigurations in moderate silence

* “So you and Diggory are pretty close” he finally says, breaking the silence

* You look up at him, his eyebrows are threaded together and his mouth is pinched into a frown

* It makes you think about the time you thought that maybe they wouldn’t spend as much time with you anymore when you were brewing the amortentia potion

* “Yeah but we’re closer,” you say bumping your shoulder against his arm, he laughs

* “That’s true”

* The mischievous glint in his eyes returns

* “I doubt he’ll feel the same once he finds out you drool in your sleep”

* You roll your eyes shoving him lightly which earns a laugh

* “I mean really (Y/N), it’s just a bit excessive innit? Most mornings your pillow is more drool than Cotten at this point, you should really get it checked-“

* You shove him harder laughing when he starts laughing

* “Big words from the boy who snores so loud his dorm mates left him floating on the lake”

* “It wasn’t my dorm mates, it was Fred and he did it to because I pretended I was him when I said something that upset Oliver Wood”

* Your eyebrows thread together

* Haven’t seen much of Oliver around now that quidditch has been canceled

* “What did you say?”

* George turns bright red and turns away

* “You’ve been spending an awful lot of time around that keeper for Hufflepuff lately” Wood was especially cranky as of late now that quidditch was canceled for the rest of the year

* And George doesn’t know why, but he gets so irked by it

* What does Wood care who he spends time with off the pitch? It’s not like he’s been taking it easy on you during matches or anything

* “It’s not my fault you don’t know how to talk to someone you’re attracted to”

* And then realizing how it sounded, and flushing red George claimed he was Fred

* He sounded like he was a jealous boyfriend or something

* It’s almost mortifying

* Almost

* “Nothing, don’t worry about it”

* And it’s the first sign for George that someone might have seen something in him that he hasn’t noticed

* But for now that doesn’t matter

* Because you’re here telling jokes like nothing’s changed

* When Ginny gets taken to the chamber you’re sitting with George and Fred in their dorm hugging them close

* You showed up outside their window on your broom, tapping on the glass until they opened it and enveloped you in a hug

* “Maybe it’s just one big mistake, and she’ll pop out any second saying she got lost on her way to the loo”

* “Maybe,” Fred says, but he doesn’t sound like he believes it

* “Everything’s going to be fine,” George says

* And you nod, because you really hope it does

* And by morning Ron and Harry show up covered in dirt with Ginny behind them who looks like she did at first

* With color on her face and vibrancy you haven’t seen on her all year

* “So good old Gildy was a fraud all along huh?”

* “Coulda fooled me”

* And then just like that you’re on the train home

* Joking with Harry, Ron, Ginny, Fred, and George about Percy’s secret girlfriend

* “It feels like it was just yesterday we were getting off the train and starting the year,” you say slightly wistful

* “Speak for yourself, Oliver Wood nearly killed me at practice with punishment drills for something I said apparently” Fred groans

* “Best to leave the adventuring to the young ones” George grins teasing you as you step onto the platform

* And just like that, it’s over

* And just like that it’ll be a new school year

* And the beginning of a new adventure

[najatheangel]

𝐌𝐲 𝐁𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐞

pairing: Lee donghyuck x reader (ft. nct members)

genre: fluff, angst, comedy and spice.

inspired song: Bestie by Lloyd.

summary: donghyuck’s and his s/o memories as best friends leading up to becoming lovers. (btw this one’s a little longer than the ones i usually write so beware loves.)

Haechan’s POV: June, 24th, 2018. “Today’s the day where I finally tell her how I feel. After 7 years of my friendship, growing up together and holding back my feelings for so long, Today is the day where things change. I’m tired of being stuck in the friend zone this is my one and only chance before she moves away. Now or Never Hyuck...”

“She's a bad one not a fast one. Every time we get together we have fun”

Growing up, me and y/n always were always bound to be apart of each other’s lives. We’ve grew up in the same neighborhood, our parents met each other in school, our friends are dating each other and we even go to the same school together. Sounds very corny right? It’s true though.

Our thing was always playing horror games together every night after we finish doing homework together. She was always the procrastinator so I had to give her some motivation. Not only that, we always play around the swing sets in the park that’s right in front of our houses to talk about anything and everything that was going on in our life’s.

This one time she got so drunk after Mark’s birthday party and was trying to swing so high and flew off the swing set thinking she was super man. Heh, she can be such a idiot at times. She may be one of the goofiest, bubbly and sweetest people I know. She can also be caring, overprotective and keep me calm whenever I’m always acting crazy.

I don’t remember what exact moment I feel in love with you, but I do remember feeling like as time went by, my love for you stared to grow much stronger. Everyone around us was starting to suspect how we felt about it each other especially my mom she adored you so much and loved the idea of us being together.

She would always ask “Where’s your girlfriend y/n?” Or “Aren’t you supposed to be with your girlfriend right now?” Ah girlfriend, I love the sound of that. Anyways I was grossed out at the idea at first because I only saw you as my sister once before and not to mention I was immature.

She would always ask “Where’s your girlfriend y/n?” Or “Aren’t you supposed to be with your girlfriend right now?” Ah girlfriend, I love the sound of that. Anyways I was grossed out at the idea at first because I only saw you as my sister once before and not to mention I was immature.

She would always ask “Where’s your girlfriend y/n?” Or “Aren’t you supposed to be with your girlfriend right now?” Ah girlfriend, I love the sound of that. Anyways I was grossed out at the idea at first because I only saw you as my sister once before and not to mention I was immature.

She would always ask “Where’s your girlfriend y/n?” Or “Aren’t you supposed to be with your girlfriend right now?” Ah girlfriend, I love the sound of that. Anyways I was grossed out at the idea at first because I only saw you as my sister once before and not to mention I was immature.

Once we’ve started getting much older I've tried dating other girls but none of them just didn’t compare to you. I’ve tried to joke around with them, they wouldn’t take me seriously. When I try to ask them out on dates, they would ditch me for someone else. When I try to be affectionate, they reject and always want to stay friends. I normally had luck keeping girls around, but only for a short amount of time. It seemed like every week I had a new girlfriend.

I knew y/n was always frustrated at me trying to tell me there’s other fish in the sea, but hell I want to my little mermaid and that’s y/n-ie. I even teased her about it, but she didn’t seem to take a hint.

“You know y/n... we should honestly just date. We would be the next Hyuna and Edawn in the school. They would have nothing on us.” I even nudged her on the shoulder to get her smiling.

“Hmm? Are you insane that would be too weird. We’re like brother and sister.” I could tell she was flustered, but she wasn’t exactly to thrilled with the idea. “Plus you know how I feel about Mark already. I’ve got to really wow him at this game tonight.” Oh yeah I forgot to mention she had a crush on my other best friend Mark Lee at the time.

“I know she should just be my friend Yet I'm hoping, I'm hoping that maybe it will lead In love happy end.”

It would work my nerves every time she would talk about him and always would ask advice on what to do, but I was very hopeful and believed I still had to chance to win her heart. I gush to everyone including the boys everyday about how madly in love I was with y/n without even realizing.

I would tell everyone, well except her of course. Johnny almost told my secret to everyone at Jaehyun’s house party when we were all playing strip uno. It was shut down real quickly because Doyoung gave him a long hard talk after awhile.

That night was also the worst for me because that was the same days the homecoming game where you confessed your feelings to Mark and became officially a couple. In my mind I wanted to be happy for the two of you as I watched you two kissed each other in front of everyone.

After that day, I avoided you for a while and couldn’t accept the fact that I couldn’t have you at that very moment. I couldn’t spend more time with you, hold you, kiss you, brag to everyone how much I loved you.

Although I was torn and felt defeated when you started dating Mark, I still felt a tiny bit of hope that someday I would still have a chance to make you mine and have our happy ending.

Y/N POV: June 24th, 2018. The day that I say farewell to my best friend Lee Donghyuck before going leaving to go to Harvard. I can’t believe this day has finally come we haven’t had the chance to hang out throughout our entire senior year so I want to make this count. I also want to tell him how I’ve felt about him. Let’s see where do I even start....

“We were children when we met. Just playing house and drinking sodas at the corner store.”

I remember having a hard time making friends my family moves from city to city because of my dad career as a entrepreneur for multiple companies and my mom working as a travel nurse. I was bullied for my struggling with my weight and for being an outcast which caused a lot of depression for me.

One day I remember running away from these girls in my school because they were trying to throwing apples at me. It was they’re way of trying to help me “eat healthy.” Jokes on them I was the top runner in the track team hehe.

Anyways, I lost them for a good second until I was trapped surrounded by them at the market by my house. I almost felt at lost against the 4 girls, until this crazy guy Lee Donghyuck comes out of no where scaring them away with his Freddy Kruger mask threatening them to leave me alone or he’ll haunt them in their sleep.

I felt bad for laughing, but it was one of the most nicest thing anyone has ever done for me ever since I’ve moved to Korea. He randomly introduces himself to me and offers me to play with him for an exchange of saving my life from those bullies.

“Hey my name is Donghyuck. Those girls always find their next target to pick on, but no worries princess I’m here to protect you. Let me introduce you to my other friends.”

He reached his hand on to me and ever since I was always dragged on to his crazy adventures.

“Like a brother from another. Didn't notice all the other girls they wanted more.”

Donghyuck was pretty popular when it came to having lots of guy friends and dating even when we were kids. In 5th grade on Valentine’s I remembered his desk being flooded with chocolates and anonymous love letters stuffed in backpack.

The idea didn’t bother me at first because I saw Hyuck as my older protective brother. I even slid some letters in my self saying “Happy Valentine’s Day loser. Enjoy those kits kats!” We tend to tease each other a lot, but that’s how we showed our love to each other.

People in our class including the boys Jaemin, Chenle and Yang Yang were encouraging us to date, but we just never seemed thrilled with the idea.

“Awhh c’mon you guys would be so cute together. You guys have kissed once before anyways it’s a sign.” I remember the boys would always poke fun at us, but we both would scream.

“Ew no way! Plus that kiss didn’t count it was for a school play.”

Yet every time a guy would try to ask me out, Donghyuck would scare them away because he claims that I’m still too young to date. Smh, yeah I should’ve known that it was actually because you were jealous.

“But now look at the glow up. You're the finest thing I ever seen, but you never been more than a friend to me.”

As much as I hate to admit it, but god sometimes Donghyuck can be hot...sexy...hell good looking when he wants to be. It doesn’t help that he’s teasing me about it either.

There was this one time when we were playing Mario Karts in his room and it was on a hot summer day at the time. This guy had the nerve to take his shirt off in front of me with sweat dripping on his abs, hair slightly messy to the side, and leans back with his grey sweat pants on.

GREY SWEATS!! Like cmon. I could barely concentrate on the game after awhile admiring how painly handsome. I felt very guilty because I was still dating Mark at the time, but my mind was going 2 different directions.

“Hey y/n if your hot you can take your shirt off too. I thought my mom had the mechanic fixed the ac by now so sorry about that.” There he goes sticking his tongue out like that again. Does he have no shame.

“Umm, Hyuck I just remembered I have a test on Friday to study for. Tootles!” I knew if I would’ve stayed in his room much longer I would’ve either passed out or sink deep into his tempting body leaning against mine. It was not only the heat in the room that was driving me crazy, but my beating heart that was burning my chest.

Before I tried to leave he shut the door and pushed me against the wall staring deep into my eyes. “You know princess, we don’t have a math test Friday right? I’m in the same class as you.”

This man uggh, next he proceeds to make me look at him in the eye by lifting my chin up. “D-did I say math test, silly me. I meant biology test.” After laughing awkwardly for a while I realized he wasn’t laughing with me like he usually does. It was like the vibe changed in a matter of 5 sec.

“Listen y/n...I know your dating Mark and all, but would it be wrong to just let me hold you one last time.” Yeah it would be awful, especially when your still technically half naked in front of me.

I’ve never even gotten close to kissing Mark before, yet my friend of 6 years is going to do it. So I had to run out of there before things got worse. “I-I can’t do that Hyuck. You know that wouldn’t be right. Now if you’ll excuse me.”

“I'm thinking that one day you'll be mine. And I don't wanna lose you.”

I ran home as fast as I can hyperventilating before I let myself caught any feelings. The truth was for awhile I only wanted to date Mark to try to forget about Hyuck, but after that night I’ve started to realize that I can’t escape my feelings that I have for him it’s impossible.

I love him more than anyone in this world. The thought of that saying had me laughing and crying that night.

June 26th, the day Donghyuck will have one last chance to confess his feelings before his princess y/n leaves off to go to school. Y/N and Donghyuck both run out of each other’s house and decided to meet up at the swing set after 6 years.

They both sit down sighing looking up at the orange sunset sky that’s shinning throughout the area. The two of them slowly swing looking down at the ground waiting for the other person to speak up first.

“So...I bet you probably heard the news already huh? I’ve finally got accept to Harvard. So tomorrow I’ll be going back to my hometown to begin my semester in fall.” Donghyuck responds back by saying.

“I know, I heard from my mom. She nearly cried. You know it would’ve been nice to hear from you. I haven’t seen you since last week.” Y/n finally looks up at him with tears falling down her face.

“Hyuck I’ve been going through so much this past week. I’ve broken up with Mark, my brother was stuck in the hospital and I almost had to repeat senior year if I didn’t pass that state test. So I’m sorry I didn’t contact you lately.”

Hyuck quickly stands up and hugs y/n gently by stroking her hair. “It would’ve been nice to hear your voice. I miss you and I love you.”

They both freeze up at the words he just said “Y-you what now?” Hyuck gulps at first, but then he snaps out of it ready to pour his heart out.”

“LISTEN PRINCESS I LOVE YOU OKAY?? Not just as a friend either. This whole year I never got to hang out with you and I don't know how to pretend, I hate falling in love with my best friend. That night you left my room I almost gave up on us, but I knew I had to tell you before you walk out of my life. Talk about bad timing right?”

Y/N starts giggling wiping her tears for a split second but then smiles by saying.

“I love you too Donghyuck. I have for a long time actually I just didn’t want to ruin my one and only specially friendship I had with you. I was even thinking that trying to move on by dating someone else would work, but it didn’t. Without you in my life, I am blue as the sky.”

The two of you of crack up laughing again at your embarrassing thoughts of each other, but immediately stop trying to think of what should happen next.

“We’re truly some idiots. Now we only have a few hours left of being a couple before you leave. So what happens next y/n?”

Y/n sits on Hyuck’s lap hugging him tightly and leans into his face by saying. “No worries we’ll figure this out once I move. For right now let’s just enjoy our last few hours together as a couple.”

Hyuck wraps arms around y/n waist and feels his heart skipping a beat once she starts kissing him softly in his ear. “Princess you know I’m very ticklish right there.” Ignoring his comments y/n proceeds to kiss his ear again, but then starts trailing down to his neck.

“My B-E-S-T, a true friend to me. Give me love and energy, that is what you send to me”

“Mmm keep calling me princess and I promise you I won’t be able to hold back.” He wiggles his eyebrows at your bold response and smirks by saying...

“Well what’s stoping you? We can do it right here right now on these swing sets.” He starts sliding your hands in your thighs while finally kissing you on your lips.

All that built up passion and emotion was easily displayed as you were kissing him. Not to mention the fact that he’s sliding his hand in your jeans which is making it hard for you to keep your voice down.

“Ahh keep it down y/n...Do you want the neighbors to hear you?” He teases you more by moving your hand in his jeans. “Do it for me too.”

“Lee Donghyuck, are you crazy?? Why don’t we just do this in your room. We will get caught for sure.” He pouts for a second and says

“Yes I’m crazy for you. You already know this though. How about this, we can finish this in my room and we can just tell my mom we stayed up playing games again all night long. Deal?”

“Deal!” You give him one last peck on the lips and grab him by running into his house like there’s no tomorrow. “Slow down princess!” The two of you slammed the door in his room and for the whole night you never dared to leave his side for a split second.

“It's what you do to me.”

The morning after ended up becoming very emotional for the both of you, because this is the last the you’ll be seeing each other face to face until the both of you are done with school. While he’s off becoming a singer, you’ll be on your way becoming a lawyer.

Out of all the places you could possibly move away from again your home next to Donghyuck and his family was the hardest to leave from. You made so many memories here and would cherish it for the rest of your life.

Before heading the road you give your best friend and now boyfriend one last hug and kiss on the forehead before putting your last luggage in the trunk and hitting the road to start your journey.

Although your both moving on to different paths of life career wise, you both will always have your history together and promised to reunite as a couple again when the time is right.

Thanks so much for reading this far you guys and feedback would be much appreciated. ✨

𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 🏷 : @himitsu-luna @starrdustville @xxminmixx @dundun-baby @purplepsycho03 @kpopsnowball

Send an ask if you want to be added or removed from the tag list. 💫💫💫

[silkling]

Hi! I remember you said you liked angst. So... Can you write another fanfic on the AU where the rescue bots were found by the Autobots, with the following plot: Blades is forced to repair one of his comrades, who was seriously injured in battle?(either Chase or Heatwave, your choice) 👀

Ooh, I like this idea! Imma do it. I’m going to make it worse though. Just because. Apparently I really like hurting my favorite characters. Go figure, huh? Also, for those who didn’t read the first, this fic is in the same verse as this one.

Also, beware that there will be descriptions of graphic injury, so be wary if that’s something that upsets you.

———————————————————————————————————

The stars were silent. They always were, of course, but during the Ark’s recharge cycle the silence was all-consuming. Blades was in the rec room, sitting in the little viewport alcove that took up a small portion of the wall. They were passing by the same star system where the Sigma had been found by the Autobots, all those stellar cycles ago. 5 vorns or so had passed since then, which felt both like an eternity and like no time at all.

Blades knew Cybertronians lived a long time. In reality, 5 vorns was barely any time at all for one of their kind. But for Blades, who had once only ever known what it was to save lives, the past 5 vorns that he’d spent learning to take them had dragged on and felt almost unbearably long. He hadn’t actually killed yet, but he’d already learned how do so with a blaster, how to do it by hand, and even how to get in close and use a blade. Apparently, he was particularly talented at that last one. Given his name, the Protectobot found it rather ironic.

“Blades? What are you doing up? You do not have any duties this night cycle.”

The motorcycle startled, his engine revving and his processor snapping to attention at the unexpected voice. He hadn’t killed any bot yet, but he’d been in many, many, many battles now, some of which still gave him nightmares. He’d developed battle protocols very quickly after joining the Autobots, and now took being surprised as poorly as most of the others did. His optics sharpened and focused on his unexpected visitor with unnerving intensity, before his sighed and relaxed, tense armor plating loosening once more.

“Chase.” he greeted. “I know. I couldn’t sleep. I was remembering that last battle.”

“Ah.” Here, his friend’s voice softened, and the blue and white bot walked over to join him. He nudged the slimmer youngling aside until there was room in the small alcove for them both, sitting opposite from his friend and letting their pedes entangle. “I understand now.”

And he did. The last battle had been fought on a young planet, one with plentiful energon mines, and where the local species were still primitive. It had been a difficult fight. Blades, like always, had fought on the front lines with Hot Spot, Groove and Streetwise. Chase and Heatwave had been nearby, too. Somehow, they always found themselves fighting near each other. As with most of their battles, Boulder and First Aid had remained behind at the Ark, away from the battle proper. It hadn’t been a very unique battle, at first. Then the Deceptions had unveiled a new weapon. It had destroyed the planet, and every life that called it home had died with it. The Autobots had been too late to realize what was going on. They hadn’t been able to stop it, only flee before they too fell to the new weapon.

Blades had taken it particularly hard. The small motorcycle was a deeply empathetic bot, and it had hurt him to know they they had brought their war to another planet, and that it had resulted in the destruction of that planet and the loss of the lives there. Chase couldn’t blame him. All of Sigma-17 had felt that loss particularly hard. For all they had become soldiers after being awoken from stasis, all four younglings were still Rescue Bots at spark.

“We will simply have to stop Megatron next time and destroy his weapon before he can ever use it again.” Chase said after a moment of silence. He knew Blades wouldn’t be reassured by useless platitudes.

“Yeah.” His voice was quiet, distant. “Yeah.” he repeated, sounding a little more present as his optics hardened. “We will. He can’t do that again.”

Blades turned to meet his friend’s gaze, chin lifting. “We won’t let him do that again.”

Chase smiled, nodding. “No, we will not.” he agreed.

Blades relaxed completely then, sighing and shifting until he could lean into Chase’s chest. “Thank you, Chase.” he whispered.

“Of course.” he said, his arms coming around to press the smaller bot to his chest. “I will always be there to support you, when you have need of it. I am your Amica, after all.”

That was another thing that had changed in the past few vorns. Blades and Chase had always been fairly close, since they found they balanced each other out quiet nicely. Even before stasis, they’d been close friends. Blades appreciated Chase’s calm, peaceful logic and found it helped bring him him back from some of his nervous breakdowns, and Chase found Blades’s natural easy-going and sociable demeanor soothing and helpful at understanding situations which normally gave him pause. It had only taken them a couple vorns after coming out of stasis to formally perform the ritus and become Amica Endura.

Blades laughed, his hands raising to curl across the arms pressed to his chestplate. “Yeah, you are. And I’m yours. You can always count on me, Chase.”

A small smiled tugged at his lips, and he turned his gaze to the stars outside the viewport, in his chest, his spark pulsed, warm and fond with affection and belonging. He knew that Blades was feeling the same right now, both younglings basking in the quiet peace and comfort of each others’ presence.

“I know.”

Outside the Ark, the vast expanse of space stretched on. The billions of stars shone brightly, and life moved ever forward. Time ticked on, and though this moment was calm and soft, there would be many moments to come that would not be. What the future held exactly, only Primus knew. All his children could do now was hold on and ride out the storms to come.

——————————

When it finally happened, Blades would later reflect that he was surprised it had taken as long as it had. But then again, First Aid and Ratchet would probably have done their best to keep it from happening, to make sure his own emotional turmoil wouldn’t cause him to falter. They couldn’t stall it forever though, because this was War and at the end of it all that only meant he would have been forced into a situation like this eventually.

The orn had stared out like most other orns. The only difference has been that the Ark had landed on a planet that apparently was fairly rich in energon. The planet was also largely uninhabited, save some plant life, so they wouldn’t have to worry too much about harming the local inhabitants. Everything had been going well. They’d managed to collect energon, enough to halfway fill one of the storage hangars, and had been in the process of mining more when the Decepticon attacked.

Blades still wasn’t sure where they’d come from. Maybe they’d landed the Nemesis on the other side in the planet and travelled the rest of the way themselves. Maybe the Nemesis was still above them all, and the ‘Cons had just made planet fall on their own in order to attack. Either way, Megatron and his soldiers had showed up, and once again a battle had begun. Blades hadn’t been near his team or his brothers when the attack had begun, so he hadn’t been able to join them for the fight. That had made him nervous, but he’d fought anyway, shooting at any Decepticons who got close and using the terrain as cover.

It hadn’t been long before there’d been a call for medical attention, and Blades had reacted on instinct. He’d sprung from behind the large stone he was hiding behind, following the call until he came across Cliffjumper and Arcee. The other two-wheeler was unconscious, a shot leaking energon from her neck. Blades had been quick to get Cliffjumper’s help to drag her behind another nearby outcropping, and he’d settled down to begin triage care. As soon as he’d been assured of her survival, he’d swiftly ordered the red mech to bring her to the med-bay. Usually, he didn’t have the rank to order other bots around, but he’d found that all the Autobots would tend to do what he told them when it came to medical matters.

He’d turned to rejoin the battle when Sunstreaker had dragged his twin around the outcropping, dropping Sideswipe with a snarled demand to fix him. Blades hadn’t taken offense. They were split spark twins. They shared a spark bond with each other, like he did with his brothers. It wasn’t the same exact type of bond, but it was close enough that he understood the panic. He’d fixed the severed fuel lines, patched up the sparking wires, and welded the gashes in red armor before telling Sunstreaker to get his brother out of the battlefield. Sideswipe wouldn’t be able to fight further with his wounds, even though Blades had managed to repair the damage completely. He’d need to recover.

It had seemed that, after that, the Autobots must have figured out that the outcropping was where emergency triage was being done. They’d probably passed the information along their comm. system while Blades had been working on Arcee. After the Twins, Blades had found himself busy with many bots. Most had only surface level wounds, injuries that needed a quick patch so they could rejoin the fight. Others needed a full field repair and a retreat, like Sideswipe had. Blaster had been dragged to him by his Cassettes in critical condition, and Blades had had to quickly patch the life threatening damage, then order Ironhide, who’d come in to get a leaking fuel line patched, to take the host mech to Ratchet and First Aid immediately.

Once he’d done that and turned to his next field patient, he’d caught sight of blue and white armor. His processor was deep in its rescue and medical protocols, so much so he initially tuned out all his surroundings. It wasn’t until something in the back of his mind whispered that the shade of blue was familiar that he paused, taking in the full extent of the damage. It was bad. The bot’s chest was the worst off. It looked like they’d been hit point blank with an explosion. The metal armor of the chestplate was melted and twisted, with large areas gone altogether. Blades could see into their chest and realized that even their internals were damaged. The fuel pump was dented and had been pierced with a shard of blue armor, there were several sparking wires and spurting lines, and worst of all, the bot’s spark chamber was caved in and cracked. The motorcycle could see the weak glow of the bot’s spark. That wasn’t even all the damage. The poor bot was missing a leg, and it looked like one of their arms had been practically shredded. Even beyond that, most of the bot’s frame was dented or damaged in some way. Blades could barely pick out the paint job under all the damage.

Even so, his processor started screaming louder as he realized that, despite all that, the colors and patterns of that paint were familiar. Blades froze, his spark almost spasming with dawning horror, and he turned his gaze up to the bot’s face. As soon as he locked onto the slack face, saw the darkened optics that he knew should be a glowing amber, he couldn’t hold back the agonized keen as his medical protocols stuttered.

It was Chase.

His next vent came out in a harsh whine, and he couldn’t take his optics off the slack face of his Amica. Blades almost jumped when a hand landed on his shoulder, and he looked up to see Jazz looking at him with a grim expression. The Third in Command nodded his helm at the prone form of his teammate.

“I know it’s tough’.” he said. “But ya gotta take care o’ him. If he don’t get the care he needs now, he ain’t gonna survive the trip to old’ Ratch. He needs you, mechlin’, so don’t spiral now.”

Blades stared at him for a sparkbeat, and then jolted as if he’d been physically shocked. He turned back to Chase, trying to ignore that it was his Amica who was wounded and dying in front of him, and got to work. He took in the damage once more, fingertips transforming into the tools he needed, and with a hard vent he forced his emotional processes to mute themselves in his processor, letting medical response protocols rise to the surface uninterrupted. Abruptly, his previously distraught EM field went blank and numb, making the bots around him wince with the suddenness if it.

Jazz stepped back, a flicker of regret in his visored optics. He recognized what Blades had done. He’d shut down his emotional response core. It wasn’t something the average bot could do, and he suspected the youngling only knew how to because of his medical training. The only other bot he’d seen do that was Prowl, and the Praxian had to do it if he wanted to come up with his tactics without crippling himself emotionally. Luckily, the emotional core could be brought back online later, but he knew it was never a pleasant process for the bot who had done so to come out of the emotional numbness. He only regretted that Blades had found it necessary to do so in the first place. No youngling should have to do something so drastic. It wasn’t right.

In front of Jazz and the other Autobots who were gathered behind the outcropping for minor repair, Blades worked on. He ignored the sounds of weapons fire and destruction beyond the small safe haven he was huddled in, focusing only on the task in front of him. He had to make sure Chase survived. He had to.

Failure wasn’t an option.

——————————

The rest of the orn passed in a haze. Blades was aware of things distantly, but wasn’t processing anything emotionally. He knew Jazz took Chase off to the Ark as soon as he’d ensured his friend wouldn’t die in the next few groons, until Ratchet or First Aid could get to him. After that, things happened quickly. He’d patched up the other bots around his outcropping who’d only needed minor repair, but he’d had no major patients after that. And then Megatron was calling a retreat, and Ironhide had come to guide Blades back to the Ark. None of the older bots seemed upset at the two-wheeler’s numb demeanor. He was in shock. He knew it. They knew it. They didn’t hold it against him.

Once he had been safely delivered to the starship, Ironhide had gone off. Blades wasn’t paying attention to where he’d gone. Maybe some of the others were gathering the last of the energon. Maybe everyone was preparing for take off. He wasn’t fully aware, wasn’t fully processing his surroundings. He drifted along in a haze, until he found himself in front of the medbay doors. That was when his focus sharpened. Usually after a battle, he’d join Ratchet and his brother in the medbay and do his part to help. He needed to go in.

The only thing making him hesitate was Chase. His Amica was in there. He’d done all he could on the battlefield, but had it been enough? Could he face it again?

He would have to. He stiffened his spinal strut and steeled his resolve, then stepped forward and the doors opened. He stepped into the medbay, his optics roving over the occupied berths, until they landed on a trio of berths by the far wall. On one, there was a familiar blue and white frame. Chase. On the second, a red mech lay prone and limp. Heatwave. On the third, a bulky green bot was resting on his side, unconscious and unaware. Boulder.

No.

Blades’s spark screamed in agony. He could see some of the damage from here, but he couldn’t see it all. Heatwave’s lower half looked like it had been crushed under something extremely heavy. The metal armor was dented and almost flattened. Blades could also see that the red mech’s optics were blackened and shattered, if if they’d been hit by a blaster bolt. Boulder wasn’t much better off. His entire back was a melted, twisted mess. Blades could see his spinal strut poking out of the ruined armor. There was so much energon. All three of his teammates were covered in it. It almost looked like they’d decided to incorporate pink into their paint jobs.

An agonized keen tore its way free from his vocalizer, and and medical protocols he had been ready to engage fell away under the onslaught of emotional anguish. He didn’t notice how First Aid had gasped and pressed a hand to his chest plates the second he’d noticed Sigma-17’s damaged states. He didn’t hear his brother call out to him in concern as he keened. He didn’t see Ratchet curse and begin to turn towards him, looking both irritated and worried.

He did, however, feel the hands that clasped his shoulders, the chest that pressed up against his back. He startled, drawing in a rasping gasp, and then he felt a soft warmth wrap around his spark. He knew that presence.

“Streetwise.” he whimpered, twisting to stare up at his oldest brother with wide, over-bright optics.

“Hey, Blades.” Streetwise gave him a small smile. “Let’s go, yeah?”

“B-But I have to stay. I need-“

“Ratchet and ‘Aid can handle it. This was an easy battle. They handled a lot worse than this before you came along.” he cut it. “You won’t be of any use in the state you’re in, Blades. Besides, I’m fairly sure it goes against medical code to come in and treat patients when you’re covered in filth from outside.” he said sternly.

Blades made to protest, but the soothing pulse in his spark from First Aid distracted him enough that Streetwise was able to guide him out of the medbay. He started gently ushering his brother towards the communal washracks, making sure Blades didn’t run into anyone in his shocked state.

“Streetwise, I gotta go back. They need me, I-I can’t-“

“None of that now. You did plenty today. Blades, let them handle it. Your well-being matters too. Right now, that’s actually all I care about. Your team will be fine. Have faith in Ratchet and ‘Aid, yeah?”

Blades whimpered, but he didn’t have the chance to argue further because that was when they came upon the washracks. Hot Spot was there, and he grimaced when he saw the state of his brother, but he forced a smile a moment later and reached out to rub Blades’s audial fins in a way he knew the smaller bot liked. The finial under his fingers quivered faintly, and Hot Spot wrapped a hand around Blades’s wrist to tug him into the washracks. He’d managed to get the others out earlier, and they’d been fairly understanding when he’d explained that Blades was in shock and needed a proper cleaning.

“Come on, bitty Blades.” The largest Protectobot whispered. “Let’s get you cleaned up, yeah? You’re covered in energon, that can’t feel good.”

Blades went stiff at his brother’s words, looking down at his frame and noticing for the first time that his armor was covered in energon. Chase’s energon. A pained whine was pulled from his vocalizer, and Hot Spot winced when he realized he’d said the wrong thing.

Streetwise shot the bigger bot an unimpressed look, but both knew that talking to Blades now would be useless. The smallest Protectobot, though not by too much, had always been prone to worry and panic. Blades was an anxious bot, it was just part of who he was. It meant that sometimes, his worry overcame him and he spiraled. His brothers could always tell when that happened, because his spark pulsed almost frantically and they could sense the overwhelming panic through the bond. When Blades got like this, he lost awareness of his surroundings. They’d long since learned that the best way to soothe him was to use the bond and send comfort and safety along it, to wrap their brother’s spark in feelings of love and reassurance and peace, and pull him out of his panic that way. Thankfully, Blades didn’t spiral often. He was overly nervous, sure, but he’d never let it stop him from doing what was needed of him, and he’d learned to not let it control him. That didn’t mean his emotions didn’t get the better of him sometimes, though.

Hot Spot gently tugged them all over to one of the cubicles, where he’d already grabbed the items they needed. With all three of them in there, it was a little crowded, but they could make it work. The spray of solvent was turned on, and Blades barely twitched as it hit his frame. Neither Streetwise nor Hot Spot were bothered as their younger brother remained silent. They worked together to clean up the mess that was Blades, using wash rags to wipe away the dirt and energon, and then smaller brushes to get in between the armor plating and into the transformation seams. It took some time, especially with Blades so unresponsive, but eventually they had him fully cleaned and dried, and were tugging him back towards their berthroom.

Blades himself was still in a daze. The energon was gone from his armor, and that certainly helped, but he couldn’t stop thinking of his teammates in such dire condition in the medbay. He couldn’t get the image of Chase’s broken frame on the battlefield out of his processor.

Blades was a gentle spark, perhaps even more so than his easy-going flyer brother. Groove was a pacifist, and Blades was deeply empathetic and his brothers knew that he felt things on an emotional level far more keenly than they were really able to grasp. The rest of the Protectobots had been able to adapt to the War, especially since their introduction to it had been more gradual. But Blades, who had always hated seeing anyone hurt, to the point he’d taken any extra classes he could at the Rescue Academy just to be able to help as many others as he could? The War was hard on him. He’d adapt, in time, but with how sudden his introduction to it had been it would be a while yet before the violence stopped making him so upset.

The trio eventually arrived at their berthroom, and when the door closed behind them Blades felt Streetwise and Hot Spot move away from him. A klik later, he felt another frame press against him, and a pair of arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. It took only a beat for him to recognize Groove. He whimpered, his fingers twitching and clinging to the copter bot. Blades felt soothing warmth wrap around his spark from the bond, coming from all four of his brothers. Love, warmth, assurance, and peace soaked into his spark, and Blades let out a broken noise as everything from the day crashed into him.

Groove crooned gently, tightening his grip on his younger brother. “Easy, Blades.” he whispered. “We have you. We won’t let you fall, yeah? Just let it out.” he soothed.

Blades shuddered, then sobbed and clung tighter to his brother. He felt Streetwise press up against his back, and Hot Spot’s arms came to way around them all. The four of them stood there for a while, Blades sobbing and gasping as all his panic and worry rushed through him at once. He hadn’t been able to really process it, before. That was the danger of muting ones emotional core, as he had done earlier. It meant that he’d need to handle the emotions he’d blocked off all at once instead of steadily and as they came. So, he was forced to stay in his brothers’ hold, letting them keep him from falling as everything crashed into him. For many breems, he wept into Groove’s shoulder, his own shoulders shaking with the force of what he was feeling.

But, finally, his cries petered out, and then he was just venting harshly, shaking faintly in the aftermath of it all. He felt Hot Spot smooth a hand down his side, then come back up to rub his finial before his biggest brother spoke.

“How about we watch some of that old drama we used to like before the War? We still have the whole series downloaded on the old travel holo-pad. I know you missed a lot of the episodes that came out while you were in stasis, bitty Blades.” he said.

Blades reset his vocalizer, wincing at his staticky and rough his voice was even after doing so. “You have the whole series of But a Chance?”

Streetwise hummed. “You bet we do. We kept downloading the new episodes that came out after…” he paused, trailing off. Blades knew what he was talking about. “Well, we kept downloading the new ones. Never watched them, though. Not beyond the ones that came out before them Purge.”

“Didn’t feel right. Not without you there to make all your little comments.” Hot Spot quipped.

Blades huffed a weak sound of amusement. “You still watched some without me, though.”

“Awe, only a couple, bitty Blades.” Hot Spot smiled. “Not too many. So? What do you say?”

Blades gave another huff. “Yeah.” he agreed,

“Good, because I’ve already got it set up.” Groove said cheerfully.

“Presumptuous.” Streetwise teased.

“Shut it. You’re the one who told me to prepare for a Blades Cheer Up Night.” Groove snipped back.

“We all knew it was time for a Blades Cheer Up Night. Why are you sparklings arguing?” Hot Spot asked playfully.

“I’m older than you.” Streetwise said, frowning.

“Only by half a breem.” Hot Spot sang.

“And I’m not a sparkling!” Groove protested.

“Hush, little brother.” the two older Protectobots said at the same time.

Blades giggled weakly. “Yeah, hush. The big bots are talking.” he rasped.

Groove turned an offended look on him. “We’re all older than you. And bigger.” he sniffed.

“I’m prettier though.”

There were noises of outrage around him, and Blades felt his lips quirk up. Even as Hot Spot tweaked his finial in retaliation, he just felt his smile relax a little more. His spark was still heavy with grief and fear, but already it felt warmer and lighter. He didn’t protest as Streetwise eventually got the other two to simmer down, pushing them all towards the large berth. At the head of the berth, the holo-pad was set up on a small desk. As soon as all four brothers were settled, Groove started the episode Blades remembered having left off on, and they settled down to watch.

Things were peaceful, for a while. They got another episode in, and Blades couldn’t help himself then as he watched the characters go about on screen.

“I’m sorry, Clearview did what now? That’s stupid. She’s stupid. Why would she even do that?”

“Well,” Groove purred. “It could be because she’s actually-“

“No!” Blades hissed, drawing back a pede and planting it firmly in his brother’s hip, sending the flyer tumbling off the berth. “No spoilers!”

Groove cackled, but crawled back onto the berth and flopped on top of his younger brother. “Okay, okay. Have it your way.”

“You two are being far too loud for anyone else to enjoy to show.” Streetwise said blandly.

“Blame Groove.” Blades sniffed. “He started it.”

“You’re the one who kicked me!” Groove squawked, outraged.

“I will not be spoiled! Bots who spoil the show for other bots recharge on the couch, remember? That’s the rule!”

“Well, we don’t have a couch.” Groove said smugly. “So there.”

“We have a floor, don’t we?”

“I’m not recharging on the floor!”

“You are if I make you!”

“Try it!”

“Fine!” Blades huffed, and proceeded to launch himself at his brother.

Groove yelped, not expecting Blades to actually go through with it, and the two wrestled on the berth before their elder brothers pulled them apart. Streetwise grabbed Groove and rolled on top of him, while Hot Spot dragged Blades into his lap and wrapped the motorcycle in his arms.

“Hush.” he admonished. “It’s show time now, not wrestle like feral sparklings time.”

“We’re not sparklings!” Groove and Blades protested in unison.

“Then stop acting like it. Now shut up and watch.” Streetwise said, though they could all hear the grin in his voice.

There were grumbling protests, but the two younger bots obeyed and went still. After another couple episodes, they were released to drape across each other. Time wore on, and the Ark slipped into it’s nightly recharge cycle. By this time, Blades’s brothers were in recharge themselves, curled around and on top of each other while Blades himself continued to watch the drama. He was waiting, after all.

Another groon passed, and the door to their berthroom opened. First Aid trudged in, exhaustion hanging from his frame. He went straight for the berth, tipping right into it and not even bothering to get his legs in. Blades huffed a laugh, gently tugging his younger brother up into the berth. He reached out to turn off the holo-pad, then refocused on First Aid as the youngest Protectobot cuddled firmly into his side. He knew his brother was tired. Pit, he could feel the depths of First Aid’s exhaustion over the bond. But he had to know.

“‘Aid? Are they…?”

“They’re fine.” First Aid mumbled. “They’ll make a full recovery. You don’t have to worry, Blades.”

All at once, the last of the fear and worry left him, and Blades released all tension in his frame with a heavy vent. “Thank you.” he whispered.

First Aid hummed softly. “‘Course. They took care of you when we couldn’t. I won’t let you lose your team if I can help it, Blades. ‘Specially not your Amica.” he mumbled, his words slurring towards the end.

Blades smiled, his arms wrapping around the little medic as First Aid nuzzled into his embrace. “Yeah.” he murmured. They really had taken care of him. “Recharge, ‘Aid. You need it.”

“You too.”

“I will.” Blades agreed. “Goodnight, little brother.”

“‘Night.” First Aid made a sleepy, content churring noise. “Love you…”

Blades blinked, then tightened his grip around him. “Yeah.” he whispered. “Love you too.”

He watched his youngest brother drift off into recharge, then offlined his optics ans let himself drift off as well. Just before he fell unconscious, he felt Groove roll on top of them both, and Hot Spot’s arms coming around all three of them. From the other side of the largest Protectobot, Streetwise’s hand came to rest on Blades’s head, his thumb twitching against his finial.

Comfortable and warm, his frame and spark both surrounded by the peace and love of his brothers, Blades drifted off into recharge, his rest easy and quiet with the reassurance that his Amica and his team would recover. His spark was warm with the sheer joy, adoration, and contentment that pulsed all along the bond, and his rest was easy and undisturbed.

Beyond the walls of the Ark, the stars were silent.

———————————————————————————————————

And here it is! What did y’all think? For those who don’t remember, the Purge that Streetwise mentioned was the massacre of the Rescue Bots.

Also, poor Blades. He has it rough. At least he’s not alone, right?

Let me know how you liked that! If you want more of this verse, I might expand on it after I take care of more prompts. (Or you could request a specific scenario yourself.)

Until next time, folks!

[restlessfandoming]

“ice fishing” (pt. 3) (chilumi fic)

[part one] [part two] “Childe invites Lumine to the annual Snezhnayan holiday dedicated to the Tsaritsa. There, she meets his entire family, and all the conflict that comes with them.” 

warning: will get mildly suggestive in this part onwards so uhhh yea beware O///w///O

[Fic Masterlist] 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

“ice fishing” (pt. 3)

The morning sunlight streamed in through the window, and Lumine cursed herself for not closing the curtains last night. 

Last night… She looked to her right, and found Childe sleeping, no clothes in sight. Her face flushed with heat as she recalled everything that happened last night. She shook her head, instead looking at his sleeping face. 

He slept absolutely still—no snoring, no twitching; if Lumine hadn’t been paying attention to the rise and fall of his chest, she would’ve thought he was dead. 

In the light of day, Lumine could see his body was covered with scars: some tiny scratches, others long, painful lines. The largest scar was to the right of his sternum, inches from his heart. Her hand lightly traced it, and Childe’s eyelids fluttered open. His eyes landed on her, and a glowing smile spread across his face. 

“Well, good morning,” he said breathlessly. He took her hand that was on his chest into his own. 

Lumine intertwined their fingers. “I’ve never seen your scars before.”

“Of course not, unless you want me to start stripping in the middle of our battles.” He winked. 

Lumine grabbed a pillow from under her and shoved it in his face. He laughed, yanking the pillow off his face.

He turned to her, fingers ghosting over her bare shoulder. “And you...you don’t have a single scratch on you.” 

“Mm, that’s because I’m not from this world,” she whispered, half-joking. 

She hadn’t told him about her origins. Only that her brother was missing and she was searching for him. Maybe it’s time I told him…

“Anybody could see that,” he mumbled sweetly against her skin where his lips were pressed on her shoulder. He planted kisses up until he reached the crook of her neck, where Lumine felt him bite down lightly. 

“Ah!” she gasped, arching her back, to which Childe immediately pulled her closer, hands gripping her waist. He lifted his head, eyes meeting hers—blue eyes burning with desire. Lumine felt herself heat up. He leaned forward to kiss her, when there was pounding on their door. 

“Ajax. Will you be cooking breakfast this morning?” Misha’s voice asked, muffled. 

He let out a frustrated laugh. “Yes, Misha. I’ll be down there soon,” he called back. After Misha’s footsteps receded, he rested his forehead on hers. “I’d better go before the whole house starves.” 

Lumine nodded, her own hunger taking over her mind. “You’d better hurry; remember we skipped dinner last night?”

“Oh yes, I remember very clearly,” he said, smirking. Lumine playfully shoved him. He chuckled. “C’mon, I know you’re starving.” 

The two got dressed and headed downstairs towards the kitchen. Upon entering the dining room, they found Misha and Alexei sitting at the table. Both the older siblings were drinking cups of steaming tea—Misha not looking towards the couple, while Alexei eyed them over the rim of his cup. 

“Your dinners are cold,” the oldest brother said, his voice sing-song. “Went off for another sparring match, you two?” 

“How obscene,” Misha muttered, taking a sip. “The little ones were asking about you two all night. Perhaps think how your actions will be viewed by the children.”  

The little ones you abandoned? Lumine wanted to ask. 

Childe put a hand on her shoulder. “We’ll make sure to tell them something, Misha.” With that, he hurried Lumine into the kitchen. 

“Why do you put up with that? I would’ve taken you for the type to get rid of them,” Lumine asked.

“The little ones already have enough going on with theirs with...Mom’s condition,” he said as he started prepping the kitchen. “A fight between their older siblings would surely mean they’d lose their idea of family love forever.”

“It seems like Alexei and Misha are ruining that already…”

Childe sighed. “If I could knock some sense into them, believe me, I would. But there are consequences for doing so.” He looked out the kitchen window. “The family has already been through a lot.”

If there was one apparent weakness of Childe’s was the fact that he would protect his family no matter what, even if it meant acting irrationally, putting up facades and lies. Even if it meant he was hurting himself in the end. And it hurt Lumine to see. 

Lumine helped him prepare breakfast until there were plates of steaming pancakes ready for the family to eat. 

“Ah, beat me to it,” Feliks said walking into the kitchen. “Ajax, you don’t need to always prepare food for us.” 

Childe shrugged. “I don’t mind. The kids like it anyways.” 

“And it saves the kitchen from being burned down by Misha.” Feliks laughed. He grabbed two plates, heading back out of the room. “I’ll bring this to Galina.” 

Lumine started heading out as well. “I’ll go wake the kids up.” She held a hand up as Childe started to get up. “You’ve already done a lot this morning.” 

Walking past the dining room, Alexei and Misha were gone from the table. Good, I don’t have to talk to them, thankfully. 

She went to Anthon’s room first. He got up quickly, and she left as he started getting ready. A good, responsible kid. Lumine thought fondly. Next, she went to Tonia’s room. Upon waking, the little girl demanded a hug, to which the traveler obliged warmly. She also helped Tonia pick out her clothes for the day before heading to Teucer’s room. Teucer took the longest to get up, but Lumine was patient with him. Like Tonia, he wanted a morning hug, which Lumine gladly gave. Soon, she successfully gathered all three of the children, sending them to the dining room where their breakfast awaited. She smiled to herself listening to them cheerfully rushing down the stairs. 

“How motherly of you.”

Lumine felt the vein pop out on her forehead. “What do you want, Alexei?” She turned, surprised to find him closer to her than anticipated. 

“You are so very hostile towards me, dear Lumine.” His face had his trademark unsettling grin. “Why is that?” 

“And you? What’s your problem?” She crossed her arms. “I don’t generally like people who are as disconcerting as you.”

He laughed darkly. “Me? Disconcerting? You say that as if you’re not involved with a Harbinger. A member of the Fatui.”

“Do I hear resentment? Are they not under the command of your ruler, the Tsaritsa herself? Something a Snezhnayan should be proud of?” 

His smile dropped, mouth pursed. “Perhaps.” 

Oh. OH. Lumine almost smiled at him. “You’re envious of your brother.”

His eyes flashed, and from under his coat, he yanked out a dagger. Lumine quickly materialized her sword, easily countering his attack. Alexei sneered at her, digging his dagger against her blade. “Not envious. At a loss.” His voice was becoming slightly frantic. “How does someone like Ajax become a Harbinger? When I—”

Lumine threw her might upwards, sending Alexei’s blade flying down the hallway. She held the tip of her sword at his throat. “Sounds an awful lot like envy to me.” 

The corner of Alexei’s mouth twitched, as if he were holding back a snarl. Then, he let out a laugh. Unstable. “How powerful. No wonder my brother has taken an interest in you.” He leaned closer, the tip of Lumine’s blade now brushing his skin. “I may have to take an interest in you myself.” 

He reached for a strand of her hair, but she turned her blade from his throat to his hand. “Absolutely not,” she said. “You abandoned your family when they needed you. I have no interest in you, not even a little bit.” Her eyes narrowed at him. “So why are you even here, Alexei? You obviously don’t care for your family.”

“So smart! Even the old man hasn’t figured it out! Though admittedly, his mind isn’t as sharp as it used to be,” he said, taking a step back to grab his dagger again. “Don’t worry, I won’t hurt you, unless you get in my way, dear.” He brought his dagger up to her blade, running the two edges together. “Or you can join me.”

“And what is it that do you plan on doing?”

His eyes glinted. “Taking everything that’s rightfully mine.” 

Lumine raised her blade again. “If you hurt anyone in this family, I won’t hesitate.” 

“Lumine?” Childe asked behind her, coming up the stairs. “...Alexei?”

Both sheathed their weapons, and Alexei smiled. “She’s a keeper, Ajax! Don’t let her go now,” he said, putting a hand on Childe’s shoulder as he passed him heading down the stairs. 

Childe and Lumine watched until Alexei’s figure disappeared into the dining room before turning to each other. 

“Care to explain what happened?” the Harbinger asked. 

“I think we need to stop Alexei. Get him away from here before something bad happens.” Lumine frowned. “He mentioned he has a plan of some sort. ‘To take what’s rightfully his,’ he said.” 

Childe’s eyes narrowed. “Of course. There’s no way he was here to just celebrate Lyublyu.”

“Do you think Misha’s in on it too?” 

“There’s no telling with her. Sometimes she and Alexei are at odds, other times, they can get along. Especially when it comes to their ideas about weakness.” He sighed, then came up to Lumine, embracing her. He asked, “Alexei didn’t hurt you, did he?”

Lumine hugged him back and scoffed. “Of course not. I can handle myself.” 

Childe laughed. “Yes, yes, I know, how could I forget?” He planted a kiss on the top of her head. “The kids want to go into town today; there should be some festivities in the town square.” 

“You aren’t worried about Alexei’s plans?”

“Of course I am. But the kids come first.” 

Lumine nodded. “Then we’ll go.” She felt her stomach rumble. “After breakfast.”

“Yes, I saved you the biggest plate.”

“I knew I liked you for a reason.”

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

[part 4]

[insomniamamma]

Liminal: Ezra and Cee

A/N: Contemporary AU in which Ezra becomes his niece, Cee's caretaker after an automobile accident kills his brother, Damon, and costs him his arm. Same AU as "Ferris wheels are for old people." No reader insert character, just Ezra and Cee on the road. Written for @autumnleaves1991-blog​ ‘s Writer’s Wednesday.

Warnings: Mentions of past trauma/injury. Drug references in a song. Some language. I tried to research body powered transhumeral prosthetics to get some idea of how Ezra's prosthetic arm might work, but then I fell into an overthinking morass, any inaccuracies are mine.

"Willin'" is written by Lowell George. The version referenced in the story is recorded by Linda Ronstadt.

lim·i·nal /ˈlimənl/

adjective: liminal

   1.relating to a transitional or initial stage of a process.    2.occupying a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold.

--"Willin'"--

          "’... been warped by the rain, driven by the snow,’" Cee sings along with the music rattling through the truck's speakers, "I'm drunk and dirty, don't you know. But I'm still willin'..."

        The road stretches long and straight in front of them, harsh, rust-colored land dotted with scrub under the arc of an impossibly blue sky. Ezra asked Cee to compile the playlist. You are my co-pilot for this mission, he'd told her, and as such your duties include, but are not limited to, navigator, snack supervisor and DJ. DJ? Really? Make us a playlist, Little Bird, every adventure needs some good road music. And she had really delivered.          "’...Out on the road late last night, I'd see my pretty Alice in every headlight, Alice, Dallas Alice...’"  Ezra'd expected hours of auto-tuned pop or loud screamy music where he couldn't understand the words, and while there was some of that, Cee had taken her duties as DJ very seriously, creating a huge genre-bending list that all worked together.

     He knew a lot of it. When he was still weird Uncle Ezra and not Legal Guardian Ezra, Cee made a habit of pawing through his vinyl collection when she and Damon would visit, picking a record to play and then peppering him with questions about it. Still, some of the tracks she picked surprised him, like this one, Linda Ronstadt's version of "Willin'" a road trip anthem if there ever was one, but something he didn't expect Cee to be familiar with.  On their first go through the playlist, he'd asked her, where'd you hear this one, Birdie? You remember that movie, The Abyss? It's in that movie, the director's cut though, not the theatrical cut, the theatrical cut is bullshit--and he'd just listened to her go off about all the things wrong with the theatrical cut, the movie itself he barely remembered, something about divers finding aliens underwater, he'd listened and grinned, Cee could go so quiet sometimes. It was always a relief to hear her sound alive and interested, especially after--          "’And I've been from Tucson to Tucumcari," Cee sings and Ezra joins her, "Tehachapi to Tonopah...’" Cee's voice is sweet. Ezra's voice is not, but that's never stopped him. They've got the windows down. The AC started smelling funny a couple days ago, and, in this part of the world, a breeze to evaporate the sweat is just as good as AC. Cee's hair makes a flyaway halo as they sing--          "’Driven every kind of rig that's ever been made, Driven the backroads so I wouldn't get weighed. And if you give me...’" Ezra and Cee smile at each other, suck in deep breaths for the big chorus, "’...Weed, whites and wine, and you show me a sign...And I'll be willin' to be movin'"

--Petroglyph--

       The rust colored forms on pale stone walls peer out at them. Some loom large in the foreground, others recede into the background as if the weathered rock is a portal a window into some other place that lives just below the skin of the world. The back of Ezra's neck prickles. Sometimes the world is thin. Sometimes he feels as if there is a larger world moving and shifting beneath the surface of this one. Sometimes he feels like things are happening out of order, reality stripping and skipping like a loose bicycle chain--        Cee's warm hand creeps into his, "They're a little scary, aren't they?" She says.        "Indeed they are," says Ezra, "One has to wonder what they were thinking. What they were trying to say. Are these gods in these pictures? Or just regular men?"        "Does it matter?" Asks Cee, and he jerks his head to look at her. She is utterly entranced by the red figures and sigils.        "Of course it does," he says, "You don't think so?"        "I mean, it matters, I guess, but what matters more is that people made these," she says, "People like us. People with hands. Not that Ancient Aliens bullshit." Ezra laughs. Cee squeezes his hand.        "C'mon," she says, "let's see more."

--Rest Stop--

       "Hey MOM!," a child's voice snaps Ezra out of his reverie. Cee is in the truck stop, using the restroom and restocking their snack supply. At these stops he fuels up and then gives her some cash and sets her loose inside. And then they stretch their legs and sit outside for a spell. Ezra sits at a picnic bench letting the sun hit his closed eyelids, "MOM! That guy's got a ROBOT ARM! Like WINTER SOLDIER!" Ezra opens his eyes to a little boy, maybe four with a bunch of curly hair and big eyes, pointing at him.        "Daniel!" His mother hisses, and pinches at his arm, "That's rude. I'm so sorry. Danny, what did I tell you about staring--"        "Ma'am? It's quite alright, Ma'am," says Ezra, and hunkers down so he's eye level with the little boy.        "Hi there," he says, "Daniel, is it? I'm Ezra." He offers his right arm, the double hook at the end open, titanium alloy padded with silicone. Daniel solemnly grips the hooks and shakes.        "You've got stickers!" Says Daniel, and for a second Ezra is confused, and then he grins, looking down at the bedecked black plastic of his prosthesis. He stands.        "My girl decided that I must have a sticker for every state we stop in," says Ezra, he stands and smiles at Daniel's mom, "Like an old steamer trunk. I'm afraid I didn't catch your name--"        Cee steps out of the air-conditioned cavern of the truck stop, slits her eyes against the brightness of midday sun glittering up from the concrete, plastic bags full of crap-snacks and energy drinks threaded over her arms. Ezra handed her a couple twenties and told her to go nuts. Re-supply runs have turned into their own sort of game. She always grabs the usual stuff, chips and Snickers bars and Paydays (Ezra has an absolute weakness for Paydays. They don't taste like they used to, he'd griped, but that didn't stop him from eating them), but somewhere along the line, Cee decided to turn this into a battle of the wills. Her unspoken mission is to find something so utterly weird at one of these stops that Ezra won't eat it. So far, she has been unsuccessful. The closest thing was an aloe juice and cucumber drink that smelled amazing, but felt like swallowing cold snot. That one was a draw. She has high hopes for the dill pickle-sriracha gummy worms nestled in the bottom of the bag. The packaging looked like Christmas in hell. More important than the snacks is the plain, flat paper bag she holds.                                                                                     Ezra's near the picnic benches chattering at some lady with a kid. Menace, she thinks, but smiles. Ezra was always the extrovert before, and it's good to him smiling so big and open in the sunshine, making friends with random people at a truck stop. She sees an echo of her and him before, when she and Dad would visit when she was small and he'd tell her some outrageous tale and she'd say Uncle Ezra, you're so weird, and he'd scoop her up and swing her around, planting a prickly kiss on her cheek and saying oh, little bird, you have no idea, and this always made Dad laugh.

       "Oh, Ez-ra," Cee calls, and when he turns, he sees her devilish grin, holding a small brown paper bag up beside her face like it's contraband, "Look what I found."         "So I get to witness the sacred stickering?" Asks Ezra's new friend.        "Indeed you do," says Ezra, "This is Cee. Cee, meet Jody, and that little man playing in the dirt there is Daniel."        "Nice to meet you," says Cee, "Stick your arm out, old man."        "Don't you want to document this momentous occasion?"        "Oh, right," Cee pulls out her phone, "Hey, uh, miss Jody? Can you take some video? I got it all set up."        "Cee is documenting our adventures for posterity," says Ezra. He extends his prosthetic, already covered in overlapping ovoids, enough that they are starting to resemble dragon scales, "What do you think?" Cee and Daniel circle round.        "How bout here?" asks Daniel, tapping just above the articulated elbow.        "That's a good spot," says Cee and peels the sticker from it's backing with a flourish. She smiles up at her phone recording in a stranger's hand, "We have now infiltrated the state of Nevada," she grins, "Evil-doers beware."        "Yeah!" Says the little boy, pudgy hands planted on his hips for the benefit of the camera, "Or Winter Soldier will KICK YOUR ASS!"        "Daniel!"

--Stars--

       Cee wakes in the dead of night, disoriented, a darkness so thick that for a moment she's not sure where she is, and then she hears Ezra's rhythmic snoring off to her side, reaches out and brushes fabric of the tent and lays back, puzzled, muscles pleasantly sore from a day spent scrabbling up and down eroded granite boulders that looked like they belonged on Mars or Tatooine, walking trails and marveling at the strange ecology of the high-desert, so unlike back home. Bad dream? She wonders, probably. She feels her eyes getting heavy, feels herself lulled by Ezra's sleep sounds, snores punctuated by mumbles. Sometimes full sentences, his side of whatever dream-conversation he's having. Probably has no idea he does it--        Cee sits bolt upright, hands clutched in fists against her chest, a high-pitched wail cuts the cold night, a sound like a woman screaming, and another wail threads through the first, so loud it could be right outside the tent, and then a sound like gruesome laughter. The back of her neck prickles and her heart pounds in her throat. She tells herself that it's just some wild animal making noise, some desert bird maybe, but wasn't the California desert the last known home of the Manson family? Maybe not this desert, but still--        "Ezra," she hisses, and he mumbles something incoherent, "Ezra, wake up!" She reaches and pokes him hard, "Ezra!"        "Whazzit birdie?"        "Listen!" The screams rise and fall again like something from a horror movie.        "s'just coyotes," says Ezra, "probly next county over. They don't hurt people, they're just loud."        "You sure?"        "Go back to sleep, Cee."

       "Ezra," He's dreaming, some place with Joshua trees the size of skyscrapers, spiked limbs under a red sky. Cee's with him somewhere in the bloodlight but he can't see her, just hears her calling--        "Ezra!" He blinks awake, the red sky receding. Cee is shaking him.        "Yuh. M'awake birdie,"        "I gotta pee," she says.        "You know where the outhouses are, just right down the trail,"        "I'm not going by myself! Not with those things out there!" Ezra pushes himself up and shakes his head, blinking the sleep from his eyes. He can just make out Cee's form against the faint light of the sky leaking through the tent.        "Alright, just gimme a second," he says.        "I'll get the light,"        "We don't need it," he says.        "Ez-"        "We got night eyes now," he says, "No light pollution out here. You'll see."

       Ezra stands transfixed in the chill dark, head cocked upward. The more he looks, the more he can see. More stars than he's ever seen in his life spread across the vast inverted bowl of the sky, no summer haze out here, no light-wash from streetlights. He is dizzy with it, the vast sweep of the sky, and as he stares and his eyes adjust further, he can see the arm of the Milky Way angled across the black, can actually see the dark band of dust threaded through the silver-blue light. He doesn't hear the outhouse door shutting, doesn't notice Cee beside him until she folds his hand into hers.        "Look up, Little Bird," he breathes and it feels like a prayer, his heart suddenly full, squeezing in his chest, Cee small and warm next to him.        "Oh, wow," she says, barely a whisper, "That's the Milky Way isn't it?" Tears blur the stars and fall hot against his cheeks.        "It is." He looks at her, her face upturned, cheeks and hair frosted in star shine, limning her eyes, her smile. They've lost so much, him and Cee, but they've gained each other, and that's not nothing is it?        "We're so small," says Cee, "Us. People. This whole planet. All of us. We're just a little dot." Ezra smiles in the dark, even as tears dry in his lashes. He squeezes her fingers in his.        "C'mon, let's get back in the tent before we freeze."

--Hoodoo--

       Cee sleeps in the passenger's seat. She'd helped break camp and pack everything up even though it was early for her. They had spent an extra night in Joshua Tree and now had to make up the difference. It's time to go home. There are things he wants to do before Cee goes back to school, things they need to take care of. So he woke them early, promising Cee that she could sleep in the car as long as she needed. She'd helped him get ready, half-peeling a couple candy bars and putting them were he could easily reach.        "You want the playlist?" She asked, "I can get it going."        "Not right now. I want some quiet."          “'Kay," and Cee was asleep before they were to the next mile marker.

       Hoodoos rise on either side of the highway, striated red cliffs against the slowly lightening sky, cut into improbable formations by long gone rivers, thin spires topped with boulders, first glints of sun hitting the higher cliffs while everything else still exists in that liminal space between day and night. Ezra glances over at Cee, hair in a messy halo, face slack in sleep, cheeks sun-reddened and newly freckled, closed eyes moving, dreaming. Ezra thinks of those first days, wracked with pain and trying to navigate the new, dark-shrowded territory of her and him, each of them crippled by loss, each willing to lash out at the other. Ezra thinks of how far they've come since then, uncurling like relaxing fists and learning to be with each other. They drive into the dawn and the first bit of light touches her hair, turning it to fire. She shifts in her sleep, turning away from that first hint of sun. He doesn't know if she's awake or not.        "I love you, Cee."        "Love you to, Ez," she murmurs and settles back into sleep. Ezra looks out over hoodoo country spread red tinged and stark against the rising light, the miles of road ahead. We're gonna be ok, he thinks and means it.

[tchallasbabymama]

Bambi

Hey y’all, here’s Chapter 7 of Playlist.

Check out my masterlist HERE to catch up and read my other stories. Let me know if you want to be tagged!

Word count: 6300

“Ashanti”

The name passed over the king’s lips as his fiancee watched him toss and turn in his sleep. Tamala didn’t know what to do. She was so angry she wanted to smother him with his stupid silk pillows, but didn’t want to risk the whole “charged with having committed a regicide” thing. She wanted to know who this Ashanti bitch was and why her man was dreaming about her with a smile on his face. She made a mental note to butter Shuri up and ask her tomorrow.

The king rolled over away from her and continued to dream about the elusive Ashanti while Tamala snuggled deeper into the covers as a tear came to her eye. She knew he didn’t feel as strongly for her as she did for him, but she hadn’t considered there could be another woman. Could she work in the palace? Is this Ashanti even Wakandan? He travelled so much, it was a possibility…

Tamala sighed and then closed her eyes, allowing sleep to take her, but her dreams were nowhere near as good as T’Challa’s. In his dream, he and Ashanti were making love on a white sand beach on a secluded island off the coast of Greece. Every kiss, every touch felt real. He could smell the sea salt and feel her warm skin against his. The taste of her pussy lingered on his lips as he buried himself inside her over and over and over again. Unfortunately, outside of his dreamland his body was responding to his subconscious in ways he had no control over.

By the time he woke up around 6 in the morning his dick was hard as a rock. He silently shuffled out of the bed and to the bathroom, trying in vain not to wake Tamala. When she heard the bathroom door close she sat up in a huff, ready for him to come back out so she could confront him about this Ashanti girl. She waited and waited for several minutes before she got up and walked towards the bathroom door. She pushed it open slightly and caught sight of her fiance stroking his gorgeous dick in the shower. Any other time she would have gladly gotten on her knees for him at the sight, but this time it just made her sick. Even more so when she heard that name slip out his mouth again.

“Ashanti, mmm fuck just like that.”

Tamala closed the door and went back to bed, facing away from T’Challa’s side. When he returned, he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her in close. Normally she would give in to his desire for morning sex even though she preferred sex before bed, but this time she pretended to be sleep. She just couldn’t face him yet.

T’Challa was only mildly disappointed, he didn’t enjoy sex with Tamala very much but she was there and he was horny. He wasn’t proud of feeling that way, but at least he was faithful to his fiancee in his waking hours.  He still wished he didn’t have to marry her, but at this point he couldn’t back out or his immigration proposal wouldn’t go through. The council had all the leverage over him, so he felt like he had no choice. Tamala was tolerable most days, so he could manage a loveless marriage for the rest of his life, but as far as children went, they had yet to come to an agreement. T’Challa just wanted one or two, but Tamala wanted a whole tribe of little Udakus. Just the thought of it made T’Challa nauseous, but he knew he and Tamala would have to produce at least one heir to the throne. He shuddered at the thought, not of fucking her but of that being the future he had to look forward to.

As much as he tried to not be, T’Challa was still in love with Ashanti in his waking hours, too. Everything reminded him of her, from his mother’s flowers to rainstorms…she loved the rain. He still listened to their combined playlist from time to time, reminiscing on the few short months it took for him to fall head over heels in love. He wished a lot of things in regards to Ashanti, but mostly he wished they had more time together before things went south. Maybe then she would have been able to trust him more and she wouldn’t have left…

It was a dangerous line of thinking that T’Challa cut off when it reared its ugly head. All the what-ifs were almost as bad for him as his guilty conscience, so he shook himself out of it and got up to start his day. As soon as Tamala heard the door shut she let out the tears she had been holding on to. She got up to go shower and get dressed, too. She had a long day ahead trying to figure out who this Ashanti bitch was, and her first stop would be his little sister.

——-

Oh, oh, oh

Mmm mmm mmm

Bambi, Bambi

(Ba bam bam bi)

My dear, my dear, my dear

(Ba bam bam bi)

My dear, I want you here

(Bambi)

Don’t get too near for there’s lions, beware

(Mmm bam bam bi)

Oh Bambi I won’t lie

If I weren’t in this spiderweb of mine

If grandfather never had seven wives

Then darling you would be love of my life

Oh Bambi it’s my design

To run the jungle I must be a lion

Or be a cheetah but neither is fine

Don’t wanna hurt my dear love of my life

Bambi, Bambi

(Ba bam bam bi)

My dear, my dear, my dear

(Ba bam bam bi)

My dear, I want you here

(Bambi)

Don’t get too near for there’s lions, beware

(Mmm bam bam bi)

Ashanti sang along to the song with Binta as they glided around the kitchen cooking dinner.

“Girrrrl,  I just want Jidenna to spank the fuck out of me. I’d be like ‘thank you sir, another?’” Binta swooned at his voice coming through the speakers.

“That man is capital ‘f’ fine. ‘Ruin my uterus and my life’ fine.” Ashanti joked as Kwame entered the room, swaying to the catchy beat.

“This Jidenna?” he asked.

“Mmmhm.”

“You already know,” they both answered at the same time.

“He’s ‘spit in my mouth daddy’ fine” he added.

“Ew, that’s gross!” Binta screamed at her brother while Ashanti had sex flashbacks to her time with T’Challa. There were several times he would have her stick out her tongue and he would spit in her mouth to remind her she was his dirty little-

“Ashanti!” Kwame yelled.

“Huh?”

“Girl were you even listening?” Binta asked her, knife in hand as she cut up the yams for dinner.

“Honestly no, this conversation has me horny as fuck.” she decided it was best to be partially honest, but not all the way. They didn’t need to know she was fantasizing about her ex, she’d let them continue to think she’s talking about the man behind the smooth voice tickling their ears.

“I can’t even blame you,” Binta said as the twins both laughed. Ashanti joined in and went back to her task at hand, but eventually her mind drifted back to T’Challa, “Bambi” providing the perfect soundtrack for the melancholy feeling she got from those bittersweet memories.

Sometimes I hide

When you FaceTime I text you back a lie

‘Cause I’m afraid to look back in your eyes

I’m terrified you were love of my life

The women among the tribe

They will be jealous of this lullaby

I’ll drink alone in my hotel and cry

'Cause now they know you are love of my life

Bambi, Bambi

(Ba bam bam bi)

My dear, my dear, my dear

(Ba bam bam bi)

My dear, I want you here

(Bambi)

Don’t get too near for there’s lions, beware

(Mmm bam bam bi)

Ashanti was on autopilot through dinner and was relieved to make it back to her room so she could be alone with her feelings. She missed T’Challa. Seeing him at the bazaar the other day only made things worse. She had been doing well, but then when he was in front of her and that same powerful aura she missed so much engulfed her, he had her in his trap once again. If she hadn’t left when she did she would’ve completely forgotten about the man’s fiancee and jumped on him then and there. All those feelings came rushing back to her as the smell of his cologne wafted her way and she knew she had to get out of there before she made a fool of herself. For good measure, she twisted her hips a little more as she walked away and she was sure she could feel his stare on her behind as it twitched out of view.

To distract herself, she decided to work on a necklace commissioned by the River tribe elder, but Jidenna’s words haunted her as her fingers attempted to wire-wrap a large lapis lazuli crystal point.

I wish that we were forever young

I always knew that this day would come

The fork in the road where I cannot run

Between love and many I’m loving one

I got the wedding invitation, Bambi

I’m happy that he wants to make a family

But I cannot promise I won’t run up in the church

There screaming your name, Bambi

No one can take you from me, Bambi

No one can take you from me, Bambi

No one can take you from me, Bambi

Bambi, Bambi

(Ba bam bam bi)

My dear, I want you here

(Ba bam bam bi)

Oh baby, don’t get too near

(Ba bam bam bi)

Oh oh oh, there are lions, beware

(Mmm bam bam bi)

Mmm mmm mmm

I don’t wanna see the wedding

I just wanna see my baby

I just wanna see my baby

Most times Ashanti loved when music spoke to her in that way, but this time she just wanted to block out his words.

The wedding…

The fiancee…

She knew her pining was in vain, and that just made it hurt more. She missed him and regretted her decision, but she really did try hard to not let it get to her. She brought it up with Jamila in therapy and they’ve spent the last couple sessions talking about that regret and learning to forgive herself. She understood the mindset she was in when she made the decision to end things, and she couldn’t fault herself for doing so out of fear. She just wished she could go back in time and do it over, or come to this realization much quicker. Now she had to see wedding coverage on every screen and hologram in the damn country. “What will the princess be wearing?”, “Will the king and future queen have a traditional wedding or more modern?”, and “Royal baby predictions: about a year?” were just some of the Bast-awful headlines she had tried to ignore as of late. It was beginning to be a bit much and she considered going on vacation until after they married since it was only a month away. She had plenty saved up and had never really done anything like that before, so she figured she’d give it a try and take herself on vacation.

Ashanti found a quaint little Air BnB in New Orleans that was well within her budget and allowed for long-term stays. She booked it on the spot, before looking for flights out of the new Wakanda International Airport and found a round trip ticket to New Orleans for $45. Once she paid, her heart rate started to pick up. She was really doing this, she was going to go to a whole other country on her own…and she needed to get a passport asap.

——-

T’Challa was hoping to fly under the radar, and so far the shades and hood seemed to be working. He had left his Dora Milaje back at the palace, much to Okoye’s dismay, because he wanted to do this alone. He wasn’t even sure what this is, but he knew he had to do something.

The king stealthily made his way to the heart of the city. He knew it was probably a bad idea, but he just had to see her again. He walked with the hustle and bustle of the crowds, going unnoticed and therefore not having the luxury of them clearing the path for him. He didn’t mind though, they weren’t rude about it.

As he waited to cross the street he noticed the kid next to him staring at him a little too hard. He checked his surroundings and lifted his shades, sending her a wink. She flashed a snaggletooth smile before saluting him and carrying on her way with her mama. T’Challa shook his head, thinking of the baby girl he wanted to have one day. Wakanda’s future queen.

Speaking of future queens, his wrist vibrated and he looked down to see that Tamala had texted him asking where he was. He rolled his eyes and ignored the message, turning the beads off for the time being.

When Taj’s was in view he stopped walking, disrupting the flow of foot traffic. A couple people cursed him out for blocking the street before he realized he was in the way. He stood on the sidewalk, staring into the storefront. He could make out her profile as she spoke to a customer and the king couldn’t help but stare at her beauty.

The king tried to take a step towards the shop, but didn’t move. He tried again, but was still glued to the spot. His legs had turned to stone and he couldn’t lift his feet to move in her direction. His eyes stayed zeroed-in on her. He watched in awe as her coily hair bounced while she nodded her head, and he missed how she spoke with her hands…it had really been too long. He tried with all his might to move again, but he was still frozen on the spot. He had decided to turn around and go back to the palace when he felt a hand on his arm. He turned to see who it was, and a smile appeared on his face.

“Bisa!”

“Hi dear,” she hugged him and looked over his shoulder at Taj’s to see that Ashanti was still busy and had turned so that her back was facing the window.

“How are you?”

“I should be asking you the same question, out here in disguise spying on my daughter,” she said playfully.

T’Challa laughed as they sat down at a table inside the Mostafa’s restaurant.

“I had planned to actually say something instead of just spying, but I, uh, lost my nerve it seems. I couldn’t go to her.”

There was silence for a moment before Bisa spoke up.

“You still love her?”

T’Challa grew silent again, knowing he shouldn’t say what he most certainly said next.

“Yes, I do.”

Bisa sat back in her chair with a satisfied smirk on her face.

“Good.”

“Good?”

“Yes, good. She still loves you, too. She won’t admit it though. She’s worked through her fear in therapy, but those feelings for you haven’t gone anywhere.” She noticed a tear falling from the king’s eye and she reached out to wipe it away.

“T’Challa, I know you are engaged, but-”

“I have to go through with it, Bisa…for political reasons. I do not love her,” his voice softened with each word and Bisa let out a sigh.

“So you absolutely have to marry her?”

“If I don’t the Mining and Border tribes will not vote for a proposal I have presented them with for Wakanda’s future. She is the Mining tribe princess, so calling it off would anger K’hari, and this would never go through.”

“I thought the king could declare whatever he wanted.”

“No, we are a lot more democratic than most would believe. I have the final say of course, but they can veto my decisions if the vote is high enough. Checks and balances and whatnot…”

“Oh, I wasn’t aware of that…You know, you should go over and talk to her. I bet she’d like that.”

He shook his head. “I thought I was ready, but I need more time. Especially now. Thank you Bisa, you’ve been a wonderful ear.”

“Anytime, son,” she sent him a wink and he chuckled at her nickname.

T’Challa walked back out the door and gave Taj’s one last glance before heading back to the palace.

——-

After her usual morning routine Ashanti strolled into the bazaar, making her way to her shop. She was in a great mood this morning, having dreamed of T’Challa the night before yet again. The dreams used to bring her to tears when she woke up, but now she welcomed them since they were all she could get. She knew that one day they would eventually fizzle out and stop coming to her, but until then she was going to enjoy getting her dream back blown out by the Black Panther.

As usual, her parents were outside cleaning off tables for the morning rush and when they noticed her, there was a certain gleam in their eyes she couldn’t quite place.

“Hi mama, baba,” she hugged them both. “What’s with the looks? I don’t like this…”

Chidi laughed and turned her around so that she could see her shop. Her jaw dropped in shock at the sight before her.

There on her stoop was a huge bouquet of violets, their purple hue seemed to be even brighter than any violet she had ever seen.

Ashanti peeled herself from her father’s arms and walked across the street in a daze. When she reached her door she could only stare at the flowers, noticing there was a note. She was almost too scared to read it, but her curiosity overruled her fear and she reached for the card.

I am sorry, Ashanti. For everything.

-T

In that moment Ashanti knew for sure that he still loved her. Her heart opened up and tears rolled down her face, some bouncing off the purple petals before hitting the ground. She leaned into them and their sweet smell overwhelmed her senses.

Chidi came over to help her move them inside and he smiled at her before giving her a kiss on her forehead. “Give him a call, nugget,” he advised before heading back across the street to his beaming wife.

“Just ‘give him a call’ huh? It’s that easy?” Ashanti said to herself out loud as Jafari entered the shop.

“Wow, who sent those?!” he exclaimed upon seeing the giant bouquet.

“Oh, uh,” she secretly snatched the card and pocketed it. “They’re a ‘thank you’ from the River tribe elder.”

“Funny, I thought they already sent-”

“What are you doing coming in so early?” she tried to change the subject, but he caught on.

“I was in the area…so who are these really from?” Jafari eyed her closely as she struggled to come up with a lie.

“I-I don’t know. No card, see?” He took a look and didn’t see one.

“Ooooh, bosslady has a secret admirer,” he teased.

“No I don’t, for all we know it could be a ‘thank you’ bouquet from somebody.” Ashanti tried to keep the heat off her.

“It’s too big and fancy for a ‘thank you’ bouquet, plus they would’ve left a note. Someone’s sweet on you Shanti.”

“Maybe…well since you’re here can you take over? I have a call to make.”

“Sure thing,” he winked at her and grabbed the broom from her hand. On her way to her workspace in the back, she heard Zina come in before the two started gossipping about who they thought it could be from. They weren’t even close.

Ashanti stared at her rose gold kimoyo beads for a few minutes before she worked up the nerve to activate her communication bead and call him. When she chose his picture her heartrate picked up as the trilling sound filled the air. It continued for longer than Ashanti was used to, so she ended the call assuming he was busy.

As it turned out, he wasn’t busy at all, he was just too nervous to answer her call. When the ringing stopped, his heart dropped and he immediately called her back. When she picked up they just stared at each other and smiled for a moment.

“They’re beautiful, thank you.”

“Anything for you.”

Her heart skipped a beat, but she broke eye contact and looked away for a moment, reminding herself that no matter how many feelings were still involved she would not let herself become his mistress. She had to keep it together.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, by the way. It wasn’t your fault.”

Now it was his turn to look away, fighting tears that welled up in his eyes. He felt a sense of relief wash over him knowing that she didn’t blame him for the incident.

“I blamed myself for a really long time,” he cleared his throat. “So thank you for saying that.”

She could see the pain in his eyes and it was her turn to feel guilty. Moments of silence passed as she stared into his glassy eyes and she contemplated the choices she made. Had she not left him-

“You did what you had to do, I understand that Ashanti. I was never upset at you, only at myself.”

“You had no reason to be, Challa, it was that evil woman,” Ashanti added, tears welling up in her eyes too.

His heart warmed when she called him Challa. He had missed it more than he realized. “I know that now, but…I knew something was coming, I felt it, but I didn’t know what…and for the longest I let that eat me up inside and I…” He let out a heavy sigh.

“You…?”

“I let it drive me to drink. I am an alcoholic, Ashanti. I have been sober for months now, but I was in a very dark place for a long time.”

“That explains the ginger beer at the party.”

“Oh so you were watching me?”

She blushed and tried to hide her grin.

“Everyone was, you’re the king. Oh I never got to wish you a happy birthday, so here it is: Happy birthday!!!”

The two of them shared a laugh.

“Thank you, I really do appreciate that coming from you,” the king said, staring into her chestnut brown eyes as best as he could on a hologram.

“I’m glad. So I guess since we’re sharing, I um…I was too scared to leave my parents’ house for months. I was paranoid and anxious all the time. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat…it took a long time to get back to semi-normal.”

“Why just semi?”

“Because it never really goes away, Challa. It just becomes manageable.”

He nodded his head in understanding.

“How are you now?” the king inquired.

“It’s much more manageable now, therapy has been good. Having a routine helps. I keep myself busy- oh! Speaking of, your sister is a Bast-send. My jewelry business has been booming ever since I opened my commissions back up, and it’s all thanks to her! And you. So thank you both for that.”

“It is as I said, anything for you.”

“You say that like it’s true.”

“Why isn’t it?”

She paused, thinking over whether she wanted to lay it all out there or not.

“Because you’re getting married.”

——-

Tamala made her way down to Shuri’s lab carrying a basket full of fresh mandazi. She knew the princess had a sweet tooth and figured it would be a good way to bribe her for information. As luck would have it, the prince and princess were both there testing out weaponry. They stopped when they heard the doors swoosh open. When they turned around they both kept their poker faces on as they greeted their future in-law.

“Hi Tamala, what brings you down here?” Shuri asked, trying to sound cheerful.

“Well I came to visit family then figured I’d stop by with these! My mama made them right before I got there so they’re fresh. Have some!” She grabbed one for herself then passed them the basket. They grabbed one each and dug in, surprised at how good they were.

“Damn, tell your mama I said I’m coming to dinner tonight,” N’Jadaka said as he reached for another one.

Tamala ignored him and turned to the princess. “So what are you working on?”

“Weapons,”she responded dryly. Her cousin nudged her in her side and she perked up.

“That sounds cool. Hey, Shuri can I talk to you for a second? Alone, if you don’t mind, N’Jadaka.”

“Nah I don’t mind at all. Need anything from me cuz?”

She mouthed “don’t leave me with her” as Tamala was turned around waving goodbye to the prince. The prince read her lips and chuckled on his way out.

“Aight, catch you at dinner then.”

He jogged up the ramp ignoring Shuri’s piercing gaze. As soon as he was out of sight Tamala turned around and her face immediately took on a seriousness that Shuri had never seen from her.

“Shuri I have to ask you a question and I need you to be completely honest with me. Please, as your sister.”

“Ok…” Shuri was nervous about what she might ask, she was such a bad liar…

“Who is Ashanti?”

Her eyes widened and she had to think quickly about how this needed to go.

“Ashanti…oh the artist? Yes she made necklaces for me and mama a while ago. You’ve seen them-”

“Is that the same Ashanti T’Challa knows?” Tamala asked the nervous princess.

“T’Challa knows so many people-” Shuri struggled to make eye contact with her future sister-in-law and that was all the confirmation she needed. It would be easy to find her now.

The next day, Tamala and her personal Dora Milaje warriors walked through the bazaar causing a scene. The princess had never been seen alone with Doras before, so this was a big moment and Tamala was eating it up. She loved the attention she received as the people moved out of her way to let her pass, it made her feel powerful. That feeling is exactly what she needed to harness in this moment, powerful.

Tamala made it to Taj’s and stared at the storefront in disgust. Through the window she could see the same woman he had been staring at all night at his birthday party and she felt sick to her stomach. Just how long had this bitch been hanging around her man?

Two of her Dora opened the doors for her to enter as the customers left the shop to give her space, unused to royalty moving through the city so aggressively. Ashanti turned to see what was going on and the shock on her face was readable all the way from the door where Tamala stood.

“Hello, are you Ashanti?”

“Y-yes I am your highness.” She saluted her and felt her blood boil.

“Well aren’t you…pretty. Hm. I hear you make custom pieces?”

“Yes, I do,” Ashanti said, scared she knew where this was going.

“Good. Well as you know, I’m getting married in a few weeks. I would like you to make me a necklace fit for a queen. Since that is what I’ll be…his queen, Ashanti.”

The artist’s breath caught in her throat. She knew Tamala had to have found out about the flowers or the calls or the texts they had sent each other in the days following their reconnection. They kept it PG, but there was definitely some flirting going on despite the need to remain platonic.

“Ok. Do you have any inspiration or a design in mind?” Ashanti’s voice trembled.

“No.”

“Ok, um-”

“We both know I’m not here for a necklace, Ashanti.” Tamala said as she leaned on the end of the counter..

Ashanti’s legs trembled under her long flowy skirt and her voice caught in her throat. This was the worst case scenario.

“How long have you been seeing him?”

“Who?”

“Don’t play dumb. My fiance, how long have you been seeing him?” Tamala’s voice rose as she got more and more frustrated with the Merchant girl.

“T’Challa? We’re not-”

“Do not lie to me, I know you have something going on with him.”

“Princess, I promise. We were together over a year ago, not now.”

Tamala stood back up from her perch.

“Then why is he calling your name when he sleeps? Tell me that.”

“I-I don’t-”

“You know what? Save it, just don’t come near him ever again or once I am his queen I will have you exiled from Wakanda.” Tamala said in a huff before storming out of the shop, Dora Milaje in tow. It was about time to close anyway so Ashanti shuffled her feet towards the door to lock up and draw the shades. She could see her parents out in front of the restaurant waiting to talk to her, but she decided to go out the back door and sneak home without talking to anyone. Binta was on a date with Kiki and Kwame had gone to stay with Omar for the weekend, so she knew she would have the house all to herself.

Her beads buzzed, signifying a text. She saw that it was from T’Challa and she erased it before even reading it.

Ashanti stripped herself naked and stared at herself in the mirror for a while before turning on the hot water in her bathtub and filling it up just the right amount before sliding in. The lavender bath bomb she dropped in the water had turned the bath purple and she thought of her breathtaking violets. She knew she couldn’t continue to talk to him and that it was really and truly over now, but she could preserve the flowers and keep them forever. She needed to have something beautiful come out of the last two years.

Not wanting to sit in silence, she called out to her kimoyo AI.

“Hey Kim, play music.”

The tears that had threatened to fall from her eyes finally made the leap as the opening chords to “Bambi” played throughout her bathroom.

——

Two days had gone by and Ashanti still hadn’t responded to him. T’Challa had tried texting and calling her, but the calls weren’t even going through anymore. She had him blocked or changed her number without telling him. Either way, he was upset at the sudden loss of contact, but he knew Ashanti wouldn’t just do that for no reason, so something had to have happened to change her heart so quickly.

The king was visibly tense during the council meeting and even more aggressive in sparring with Okoye and his cousin, which neither one of them were opposed to. By day three he had finally had enough and marched down to his sister’s lab. N’Jadaka was there trying out a new upgrade to the Jaguar habit and T’Challa was relieved they were all in one place so he wouldn’t have to do this twice.

“Ayy, what up cuzzo? Like the new threads?” N’Jadaka’s new upgrade included more visible spots than the last one and he was loving the print.

“Looks good on you.” T’Challa tried to muster up some cheer but couldn’t.

“Why the sour face?” Shuri asked her brother, finally looking away from the screen in front of her and noticing his scowl.

“This stays between the three of us.”

His family nodded and looked on with concern.

“I had been…speaking with Ashanti again-”

“Oh no.” Shuri thought she only said in her head.

“What do you mean oh no?” T’Challa was confused at his sister’s reaction. He knew she loved Ashanti like a sister, so her response made no sense.

“I-I mean, um, you finish telling your story then I’ll um, yeah…” Shuri stumbled out.

N’Jadaka sat back and observed them both in his usual way, sure he knew exactly where this was going.

“Ok, well…long story short, we bumped into each other, then I sent her flowers, and we had been texting and calling back and forth platonically since then…until a few days ago. She just stopped and now my calls won’t go through.”

“Wow, so you and Ashanti huh? Tryna get that old thang back?” the prince joked before getting serious when his big cousin shot him a look.  “You know I support you, but you gotta be real careful man. You’re getting married in like three weeks, just keep that in mind.”

“Yes, I know but-” he was cut off by a sniffle coming from his sister. “Usisi, what is wrong?” His arm wrapped around her shoulder.

“Tamala, she asked me about Ashanti the other day…all I told her was she was the artist who made our necklaces. She said that she heard you say her name in your sleep…”

“Daaaaaamn,” N’Jadaka said exactly what T’Challa felt in that moment. He knew his sister meant no harm, but somehow Tamala had gotten to Ashanti.

The king knew he had two options. He could drop in on Ashanti and try to make things right or he could confront Tamala. He chose the latter so as not to upset Ashanti any further than she surely already was thanks to his fiancee. He excused himself from the lab before giving Tamala a call. Almost immediately after it started to ring, she answered.

“Hi baby!” she answered with a fake smile on her face.

“Hello Tamala, are you busy?” he asked, keeping his voice even.

“Not too busy for you, I just finished-”

“Great, will you meet me at the panther cave in an hour?”

“Sure thing, baby. Is everything ok?”

“Yes everything is fine. See you in an hour.” T’Challa ended the call and ran his hand over his face in exasperation. If he still drank he would have poured himself a glass right about now. To distract himself, he returned to the lab to check out the new upgrades to the Jaguar habit.

Tamala arrived at the cave early since she had been at her parents’ house not too far from there. Her nerves had gotten the best of her when she realized he didn’t seem to be in the best mood and her mind raced over the possibilities until it landed on the one thing she could think of. Her.

When T’Challa arrived a few minutes later she tried to keep a straight face, but her attitude seeped through and he could sense it a mile away. He sighed and rolled his eyes, they hadn’t even had the conversation yet and here she was, already mad.

“Could this have waited until later?” she asked him, annoyance clear on her face.

“What’s the matter now? You were just in a good mood an hour ago.”

“You tell me, T’Challa.”

He could feel his blood pressure starting to rise so he took a couple deep breaths to calm himself.

“Don’t act like a spoiled child, talk.”

“Oh I’m the spoiled child? Ha! Says the man who wants to have his cake and eat it too.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means I am to be your wife and she is not, so you should act accordingly if you want your little proposal to go through.”

A tense silence followed, his suspicions confirmed. The smug look on Tamala’s face irked him to his core because he knew there was nothing he could do about it.

“So who is this ‘she’ you’re referring to?” he asked for clarification.

“Do not play dumb, T’Challa, it does not look good on you. I am talking about your precious Ashanti. I don’t know how long you have been seeing her behind my back, but it ends today.”

“She is my ex and a friend-”

“I saw how you looked at her, she’s not a friend T’Challa…and she’s also not a concern anymore,” she said flippantly.

“What do you mean?” he took a step forward as she stepped back, bumping into the cave wall as he descended upon her slowly, prowling like a cat.

“I mean, I-I-”

“What did you do?” his voice grew, instilling fear in her heart at the cold look behind his eyes.

“N-nothing, I just told her to leave you alone or-”

“Or?”

“Or I’d have her exiled when I become queen.”

“You will do no such thing!”

He pulled back and lowered his voice when he saw the fear in her eyes.

“And no harm will come to her if you know what is good for you.” he turned to leave but stopped and faced her once more. “You may be my queen, but she will always have my heart. Do not forget this is simply an arrangement.”

With that, he turned and walked out of the cave, heading straight for the Talon. As soon as his shadow disappeared from the cave wall Tamala broke down in tears. She knew he didn’t share her feelings, but she didn’t know just how little he cared. After a few minutes of crying, she regained her composure and sat against the wall with her knees at her chest contemplating her future. She had to do something, or the rest of her life she would be stuck in a loveless marriage, but she couldn’t think of what. Eventually it hit her, and the realization broke her heart.

She would have to call it off.

Next Chapter

Taglist: @maddeningmayhem, @theblulife

[ladyofasoiaf]

Sweet blue flower on the wall = Death

There are many theories about how this vision foreshadows Daenerys’ doom/death.

A blue flower grew from a chink in a wall of ice, and filled the air with sweetness… mother of dragons, bride of fire…  

[ACOK; Daenerys IV]

I want to show that how some symbols in this vision are bad omens for Daenerys.

COLOR BLUE:

The merchant prince sat up sharply. “Pyat Pree has blue lips, and it is truly said that blue lips speak only lies. Heed the wisdom of one who loves you. Warlocks are bitter creatures who eat dust and drink of shadows. They will give you naught. They have naught to give.”  

[ACOK; Daenerys III]  

“Blue lips speak only lies, isn’t that what Xaro told you? Why do you care what the warlocks whispered? All they wanted was to suck the life from you, you know that now.”  

[ACOK; Daenerys V] 

 “Not all your enemies are in the Yellow City. Beware men with cold hearts and blue lips. You had not been gone from Qarth a fortnight when Pyat Pree set out with three of his fellow warlocks, to seek for you in Pentos.”  

[ADWD; Daenerys III] 

  THE WALL (WHICH IS A WALL OF ICE):

The next morning she woke stiff and sore and aching, with ants crawling on her arms and legs and face. When she realized what they were, she kicked aside the stalks of dry brown grass that had served as her bed and blanket and struggled to her feet. She had bites all over her, little red bumps, itchy and inflamed. Where did all the ants come from? Dany brushed them from her arms and legs and belly. She ran a hand across her stubbly scalp where her hair had burned away, and felt more ants on her head, and one crawling down the back of her neck. She knocked them off and crushed them under her bare feet. There were so many…

It turned out that their anthill was on the other side of her wall. She wondered how the ants had managed to climb over it and find her. To them these tumbledown stones must loom as huge as the Wall of Westeros. The biggest wall in all the world, her brother Viserys used to say, as proud as if he’d built it himself.  

[ADWD; Daenerys X]

SWEET SMELL:

“Sweet smells are sometimes used to cover foul ones.”  

[ACOK; Daenerys II]

A foul, sweet smell rose from the wound, so thick it almost choked her.  

[AGOT; Daenerys VIII]

While I was looking at the last example with sweet smell, I realized that this is the chapter that Drogo falls ill. And I started to read it for further clues…

And I’ve found this:

When they were alone, Ser Jorah drew his dagger. Deftly, with a delicacy surprising in such a big man, he began to scrape away the black leaves and dried blue mud from Drogo’s chest. The plaster had caked hard as the mud walls of the Lamb Men, and like those walls it cracked easily. Ser Jorah broke the dry mud with his knife, pried thechunks from the flesh, peeled off the leaves one by one. A foul, sweet smell rose from the wound, so thick it almost choked her. The leaves were crusted with blood and pus, Drogo’s breast black and glistening with corruption.

“No," Dany whispered as tears ran down her cheeks. "No, please, gods hear me, no.”

[AGOT; Daenerys VIII]

LET’S LOOK:

Blue wall of mud

It cracks and leaves chunks on Drogo’s body

A sweet smell rose from his wound which chokes Daenerys.

In this list of Jon x Sansa book hints , I try to tell (with the help of other metas in the fandom) that this vision is about Jon and Sansa being Daenerys’ doom.

(You can check: B4 & B5 for this theory)

BECAUSE THESE IMAGES ARE LINKED WITH JON AND SANSA TOO.

The flower in the Dany’s vision is blue so fans believe that this flower is a blue winter rose.

Therefore this vision might be about Lyanna’s boy Jon who is at the Wall.

But winter roses and (roses especially) are linked with Sansa too.

[*Roses and Sansa is examined here in this Lyanna//Sansa meta]

SANSA IS THE BLUE FLOWER THAT BLOOMED FROM THE NORTH.

Ygritte tells about the song of:

Bael the Bard and the Winterfell’s Blue Rose in ACOK; Jon VI

In the story the blue roses of Winterfell just bloom

and they represent a love between

King Beyond the Wall and Winterfell’s maiden heir

Next chapter is Sansa (ACOK; Sansa IV)

and she flowers for the first time,

next chapter is Jon again. (Jon-Sansa-Jon)

Also both Jon and Sansa have these other symbols as well in their stories; such as Wall and sweet smells:

SANSA’S COURTESY (ARMOR) IS WALL

He had always had a yen to see the Titan of Braavos. Perhaps that would please Sansa. Gently, he spoke of Braavos, and met a wall of sullen courtesy as icy and unyielding as the Wall he had walked once in the north.  

[ASOS; Tyrion VIII]

Sansa should take it off only for her husband

“Courtesy is a lady’s armor,” Sansa said. Her septa had always told her that.

“I am your husband. You can take off your armor now.”

[ASOS; Sansa III]

But the Wall belongs to Jon

The Wall is mine, Jon reminded himself whenever he felt his strength flagging.  

[ASOS; Jon VIII]

The Wall is mine, he reminded himself.  

[ASOS; Jon IX]

The Wall was his, the night was dark, and he had a king to face.  

[ASOS; Jon XII]

Never. “I cannot speak to what my father might have done. I took an oath, Your Grace. The Wall is mine.”  

[ADWD; Jon I]

The Wall is mine, and the Watch as well. The Night’s Watch takes no part.

[ADWD; Jon II]

I should be walking the ice. The Wall is mine.  

[ADWD; Jon III]

The Wall is mine, Jon reminded himself as the winchmen were swinging in the cage, for two more days, at least.  

[ADWD; Jon XI]

“I must do as I think best. With respect, Your Grace, the Wall is mine,and so is this decision.”  

[ADWD; Jon XIII]

SANSA IS SWEET SMELLING

Sansa Stark, he mused. Soft-spoken sweet-smelling Sansa, who loved silks, songs, chivalry and tall gallant knights with handsome faces.  

[ASOS; Tyrion III]

She brought a dozen of the queen’s favorite scents as well. Sansa chose a sharp sweet fragrance with a hint of lemon in it under the smell of flowers. The maid dabbed some on her finger and touched Sansa behind each ear, and under her chin, and then lightly on her nipples.  

[ASOS; Sansa III]

IN CONCLUSION:

Sansa is the SWEET-SMELLING BLUE ROSE and she is armored with icy WALL of courtesy and that Wall belongs to Jon. (Jon is Sansa’s armor)

SO:

The symbols in Dany’s visions are bad omen for her.

These symbols are: Blue, Wall, Sweetness

We see these words when Dany tells us Drogo’s falling ill and later he dies…

What about the FLOWER? Where is the flower in that Drogo chapter?

We said that the flower in the vision is most likely a ROSE. 

(And I showed how blue roses are linked with Jon and Sansa.)

But @kellyvela​ @butterflies-dragons​ pointed out the greatest word play in that Drogo chapter:

A foul, sweet smell ROSE from the wound, so thick it almost choked her.

Grrm really said: PUN INTENDED!!

SWEET (SMELL) ROSE CHOKED HER…

I think it is obvious that Drogo’s death and that vision is linked.

But also look at this:

A blue flower grew from a chink in a wall of ice, and filled the air with sweetness… mother of dragons, bride of fire…  

When did she become mother of dragons and bride of fire?

During: Drogo’s funeral pyre!!

(Please read this meta: Daenerys: Mother of Dragons, Bride of Fire )

She had sensed the truth of it long ago, Dany thought as she took a step closer to the conflagration, but the brazier had not been hot enough. The flames writhed before her like the women who had danced at her wedding, whirling and singing and spinning their yellow and orange and crimson veils, fearsome to behold, yet lovely, so lovely, alive with heat. Dany opened her arms to them, her skin flushed and glowing. This is a wedding, too, she thought.

[…]

And now the flames reached her Drogo, and now they were all around him. His clothing took fire, and for an instant the khal was clad in wisps of floating orange silk and tendrils of curling smoke, grey and greasy. Dany’s lips parted and she found herself holding her breath. Part of herwanted to go to him as Ser Jorah had feared, to rush into the flames to beg for his forgiveness and take him inside her one last time, the fire melting the flesh from their bones until they were as one, forever.

[…]

Now, she thought, now, and for an instant she glimpsed Khal Drogobefore her, mounted on his smoky stallion, a flaming lash in his hand. He smiled, and the whip snaked down at the pyre, hissing.

[…]

A rising heat puffed at her face, soft and sudden as a lover’s breath…

[…]

I am Daenerys Stormborn, daughter of dragons, bride of dragons, mother of dragons, don’t you see? Don’t you SEE? With a belch of flame and smoke that reached thirty feet into the sky, the pyre collapsed and came down around her. Unafraid, Dany stepped forward into the firestorm, calling to her children.

The third crack was as loud and sharp as the breaking of the world.

[AGOT; Daenerys X]

IN SUMMARY:

The symbols in HOU vision are similar with the words that Daenerys uses while describing Drogo’s illness. Drogo dies and Dany starts a funeral pyre.

Blue, Wall, sweet, flower (rose) symbols are present in these both chapters (AGOT; Daenerys VIII & ACOK; Daenerys IV)

Even the words “mother of dragons and bride of fire” point out Drogo’s funeral pyre where she became MOD & BOF.

We can assume that this vision hints something really bad for Daenerys (death?)

These symbols also surround Jon and Sansa… and Dany is still waiting for the betrayal for love.

three treasons will you know… once for blood and once for gold and once for love…

Dany thinks about her promised betrayals in her last ADWD chapter and look what happens: (*For Jon vs Daenerys meta you can read this!)

Yet who else could it have been? Reznak, her perfumed seneschal? The Yunkai’i? The Sons of the Harpy? Off in the distance, a wolf howled. The sound made her feel sad and lonely, but no less hungry. As the moon rose above the grasslands, Dany slipped at last into a restless sleep.

[ADWD; Daenerys X]

Jon and Sansa are two wolves… and Dany slips into a sleep..

AND

Let’s not forget that Drogo will return to Daenerys only in death. So it makes sense that hinting Daenerys’ death with Drogo’s… (she kills him in this chapter… kills him for love)

“When will he be as he was?” Dany demanded.

“When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” said Mirri Maz Duur. “When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When your womb quickens again, and you bear a living child.Then he will return, and not before.”

[…]

And when the bleak dawn broke over an empty horizon, Dany knew that he was truly lost to her. “When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” she said sadly. “When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When my womb quickens again, and I bear a living child. Then you will return, my sun-and-stars, and not before.”

Never, the darkness cried, never never never.

[…]

If I look back I am lost. It hurt even to walk, and she wanted to sleep, to sleep and not to dream. She knelt, kissed Drogo on the lips, and pressed the cushion down across his face.

[AGOT; Daenerys IX]

SHOW BONUS:

In this post this vision is discussed also in show verse and it makes great points. I also want to point out that how Dany reunites with Drogo AFTER she passes the throne room with BLUE FLOWER (Sansa) and the WALL (Jon).

Because in my meta I examine how blue, rose, wall and sweetness are linked with Jon/Sansa AND Drogo’s death…

And how it is probably hinting Dany’s own death because it means reuniting with Drogo and Rhaego …

And when the bleak dawn broke over an empty horizon, Dany knew that he was truly lost to her. “When the sun rises in the west and sets in the east,” she said sadly. “When the seas go dry and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. When my womb quickens again, and I bear a living child. Then you will return, my sun-and-stars, and not before.”

Never, the darkness cried, never never never.

[AGOT; Daenerys IX]

She passes the BLUE FLOWER (?) ON THE WALL:

She passes through the WALL OF ICE:

She reaches END OF THE WORLD:

She REUNITES with Drogo and Rhaego:

Then you will return, my sun-and-stars, and not before.”

Never, the darkness cried, never never never.

[AGOT; Daenerys IX]

[renaissanceclassics]

The Pilgrim's Progress: Part 12

Listen to: The 9th Stage continued, at Renaissance Classics Podcast.

Pilgrim's Progress: Pilgrim's Progress: Part One, Section 9 continued... 

I saw then in my dream, that they went till they came into a certain country, whose air naturally tended to make one drowsy, if he came a stranger into it. And here Hopeful began to be very dull and heavy of sleep; wherefore he said unto Christian, I do now begin to grow so drowsy that I can scarcely hold up mine eyes, let us lie down here and take one nap.

Christian:  By no means, said the other, lest sleeping, we never awake more.

Hopeful: Why, my brother? Sleep is sweet to the labouring man; we may be refreshed if we take a nap.

Christian:  Do you not remember that one of the Shepherds bid us beware of the Enchanted Ground? He meant by that that we should beware of sleeping; "Therefore let us not sleep, as do others, but let us watch and be sober." [1 Thess. 5:6]

Hopeful: I acknowledge myself in a fault, and had I been here alone I had by sleeping run the danger of death. I see it is true that the wise man saith, Two are better than one. Hitherto hath thy company been my mercy, and thou shalt have a good reward for thy labour. [Eccl. 9:9]

Christian:  Now then, said Christian, to prevent drowsiness in this place, let us fall into good discourse.

Hopeful: With all my heart, said the other.

Christian:  Where shall we begin?

Hopeful: Where God began with us. But do you begin, if you please.

Christian:  I will sing you first this song:

When saints do sleepy grow, let them come hither, And hear how these two pilgrims talk together: Yea, let them learn of them, in any wise, Thus to keep ope their drowsy slumb'ring eyes. Saints' fellowship, if it be managed well, Keeps them awake, and that in spite of hell.

 Christian:  Then Christian began and said, I will ask you a question. How came you to think at first of so doing as you do now?

Hopeful: Do you mean, how came I at first to look after the good of my soul?

Christian:  Yes, that is my meaning.

Hopeful: I continued a great while in the delight of those things which were seen and sold at our fair; things which, I believe now, would have, had I continued in them, still drowned me in perdition and destruction.

Christian:  What things are they?

Hopeful's life before conversion

Hopeful: All the treasures and riches of the world. Also, I delighted much in rioting, revelling, drinking, swearing, lying, uncleanness, Sabbath-breaking, and what not, that tended to destroy the soul. But I found at last, by hearing and considering of things that are divine, which indeed I heard of you, as also of beloved Faithful that was put to death for his faith and good living in Vanity Fair, that "the end of these things is death". [Rom. 6:21-23] And that for these things' sake "cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience". [Eph. 5:6]

Christian:  And did you presently fall under the power of this conviction?

Hopeful: No, I was not willing presently to know the evil of sin, nor the damnation that follows upon the commission of it; but endeavoured, when my mind at first began to be shaken with the Word, to shut mine eyes against the light thereof.

Christian:  But what was the cause of your carrying of it thus to the first workings of God's blessed Spirit upon you?

Hopeful: The causes were, 1. I was ignorant that this was the work of God upon me. I never thought that, by awakenings for sin, God at first begins the conversion of a sinner. 2. Sin was yet very sweet to my flesh, and I was loath to leave it. 3. I could not tell how to part with mine old companions, their presence and actions were so desirable unto me. 4. The hours in which convictions were upon me were such troublesome and such heart-affrighting hours that I could not bear, no not so much as the remembrance of them, upon my heart.

Christian:  Then, as it seems, sometimes you got rid of your trouble.

Hopeful: Yes, verily, but it would come into my mind again, and then I should be as bad, nay, worse, than I was before.

Christian:  Why, what was it that brought your sins to mind again?

Hopeful: Many things; as,

If I did but meet a good man in the streets; or,

If I have heard any read in the Bible; or,

If mine head did begin to ache; or,

If I were told that some of my neighbours were sick; or,

If I heard the bell toll for some that were dead; or,

If I thought of dying myself; or,

If I heard that sudden death happened to others;

But especially, when I thought of myself, that I must quickly come to judgment.

 Christian:  And could you at any time, with ease, get off the guilt of sin, when by any of these ways it came upon you?

Hopeful: No, not I, for then they got faster hold of my conscience; and then, if I did but think of going back to sin, (though my mind was turned against it), it would be double torment to me.

Christian:  And how did you do then?

Hopeful: I thought I must endeavour to mend my life; for else, thought I, I am sure to be damned.

 Christian:  And did you endeavour to mend?

Hopeful: Yes; and fled from not only my sins, but sinful company too; and betook me to religious duties, as prayer, reading, weeping for sin, speaking truth to my neighbours, &c. These things did I, with many others, too much here to relate.

Christian:  And did you think yourself well then?

Hopeful: Yes, for a while; but at the last, my trouble came tumbling upon me again, and that over the neck of all my reformations.

 Christian:  How came that about, since you were now reformed?

Hopeful: There were several things brought it upon me, especially such sayings as these: "All our righteousnesses are as filthy rags." [Isa. 64:6] "By the works of the law shall no flesh be justified." [Gal. 2:16] "When ye shall have done all those things, say, We are unprofitable", [Luke 17:10] with many more such like. From whence I began to reason with myself thus: If ALL my righteousnesses are filthy rags; if, by the deeds of the law, NO man can be justified; and if, when we have done ALL, we are yet unprofitable, then it is but a folly to think of heaven by the law. I further thought thus: If a man runs a hundred pounds into the shopkeeper's debt, and after that shall pay for all that he shall fetch; yet, if this old debt stands still in the book uncrossed, for that the shopkeeper may sue him, and cast him into prison till he shall pay the debt.

Christian:  Well, and how did you apply this to yourself?

Hopeful: Why; I thought thus with myself. I have, by my sins, run a great way into God's book, and that my now reforming will not pay off that score; therefore I should think still, under all my present amendments, But how shall I be freed from that damnation that I have brought myself in danger of by my former transgressions?

 Christian:  A very good application: but, pray, go on.

Hopeful: Another thing that hath troubled me, even since my late amendments, is, that if I look narrowly into the best of what I do now, I still see sin, new sin, mixing itself with the best of that I do; so that now I am forced to conclude, that notwithstanding my former fond conceits of myself and duties, I have committed sin enough in one duty to send me to hell, though my former life had been faultless.

Christian:  And what did you do then?

Hopeful: Do! I could not tell what to do, until I brake my mind to Faithful, for he and I were well acquainted. And he told me, that unless I could obtain the righteousness of a man that never had sinned, neither mine own, nor all the righteousness of the world could save me.

Christian:  And did you think he spake true?

Hopeful: Had he told me so when I was pleased and satisfied with mine own amendment, I had called him fool for his pains; but now, since I see mine own infirmity, and the sin that cleaves to my best performance, I have been forced to be of his opinion.

 Christian:  But did you think, when at first he suggested it to you, that there was such a man to be found, of whom it might justly be said that he never committed sin?

Hopeful: I must confess the words at first sounded strangely, but after a little more talk and company with him, I had full conviction about it.

Christian:  And did you ask him what man this was, and how you must be justified by him?

Hopeful: Yes, and he told me it was the Lord Jesus, that dwelleth on the right hand of the Most High. And thus, said he, you must be justified by him, even by trusting to what he hath done by himself, in the days of his flesh, and suffered when he did hang on the tree. I asked him further, how that man's righteousness could be of that efficacy to justify another before God? And he told me he was the mighty God, and did what he did, and died the death also, not for himself, but for me; to whom his doings, and the worthiness of them, should be imputed, if I believed on him. [Heb. 10, Rom. 6, Col. 1, 1 Pet. 1]

 Christian:  And what did you do then?

Hopeful: I made my objections against my believing, for that I thought he was not willing to save me.

Christian:  And what said Faithful to you then?

Hopeful: He bid me go to him and see. Then I said it was presumption; but he said, No, for I was invited to come. [Matt. 11:28] Then he gave me a book of Jesus, his inditing, to encourage me the more freely to come; and he said, concerning that book, that every jot and tittle thereof stood firmer than heaven and earth. [Matt. 24:35] Then I asked him, What I must do when I came; and he told me, I must entreat upon my knees, with all my heart and soul, the Father to reveal him to me. [Ps. 95:6, Dan. 6:10, Jer. 29:12,13] Then I asked him further, how I must make my supplication to him? And he said, Go, and thou shalt find him upon a mercy-seat, where he sits all the year long, to give pardon and forgiveness to them that come. I told him that I knew not what to say when I came. And he bid me say to this effect: God be merciful to me a sinner, and make me to know and believe in Jesus Christ; for I see, that if his righteousness had not been, or I have not faith in that righteousness, I am utterly cast away. Lord, I have heard that thou art a merciful God, and hast ordained that thy Son Jesus Christ should be the Saviour of the world; and moreover, that thou art willing to bestow him upon such a poor sinner as I am, (and I am a sinner indeed); Lord, take therefore this opportunity and magnify thy grace in the salvation of my soul, through thy Son Jesus Christ. Amen. [Exo. 25:22, Lev. 16:2, Num. 7:89, Heb. 4:16]

 Christian:  And did you do as you were bidden?

Hopeful: Yes; over, and over, and over.

Christian:  And did the Father reveal his Son to you?

Hopeful: Not at the first, nor second, nor third, nor fourth, nor fifth; no, nor at the sixth time neither.

Christian:  What did you do then?

Hopeful: What! why I could not tell what to do.

Christian:  Had you not thoughts of leaving off praying?

Hopeful: Yes; an hundred times twice told.

Christian:  And what was the reason you did not?

Hopeful: I believed that that was true which had been told me, to wit, that without the righteousness of this Christ, all the world could not save me; and therefore, thought I with myself, if I leave off I die, and I can but die at the throne of grace. And withal, this came into my mind, "Though it tarry, wait for it; because it will surely come, it will not tarry." [Heb. 2:3] So I continued praying until the Father showed me his Son.

 Christian:  And how was he revealed unto you?

Hopeful: I did not see him with my bodily eyes, but with the eyes of my understanding; [Eph. 1:18,19] and thus it was: One day I was very sad, I think sadder than at any one time in my life, and this sadness was through a fresh sight of the greatness and vileness of my sins. And as I was then looking for nothing but hell, and the everlasting damnation of my soul, suddenly, as I thought, I saw the Lord Jesus Christ look down from heaven upon me, and saying, "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved." [Acts 16:30,31]

But I replied, Lord, I am a great, a very great sinner. And he answered, "My grace is sufficient for thee." [2 Cor.12:9] Then I said, But, Lord, what is believing? And then I saw from that saying, "He that cometh to me shall never hunger, and he that believeth on me shall never thirst", that believing and coming was all one; and that he that came, that is, ran out in his heart and affections after salvation by Christ, he indeed believed in Christ. [John 6:35] Then the water stood in mine eyes, and I asked further. But, Lord, may such a great sinner as I am be indeed accepted of thee, and be saved by thee? And I heard him say, "And him that cometh to me, I will in no wise cast out." [John 6:37] Then I said, But how, Lord, must I consider of thee in my coming to thee, that my faith may be placed aright upon thee? Then he said, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners." [1 Tim. 1:15] "He is the end of the law for righteousness to every one that believeth." [Rom. 10:4] "He died for our sins, and rose again for our justification." [Rom. 4:25] "He loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood." [Rev. 1:5] "He is mediator betwixt God and us." [1 Tim. 2:5] "He ever liveth to make intercession for us." [Heb. 7:24,25] From all which I gathered, that I must look for righteousness in his person, and for satisfaction for my sins by his blood; that what he did in obedience to his Father's law, and in submitting to the penalty thereof, was not for himself, but for him that will accept it for his salvation, and be thankful. And now was my heart full of joy, mine eyes full of tears, and mine affections running over with love to the name, people, and ways of Jesus Christ.

 Christian:  This was a revelation of Christ to your soul indeed; but tell me particularly what effect this had upon your spirit.

Hopeful: It made me see that all the world, notwithstanding all the righteousness thereof, is in a state of condemnation. It made me see that God the Father, though he be just, can justly justify the coming sinner. It made me greatly ashamed of the vileness of my former life, and confounded me with the sense of mine own ignorance; for there never came thought into my heart before now that showed me so the beauty of Jesus Christ. It made me love a holy life, and long to do something for the honour and glory of the name of the Lord Jesus; yea, I thought that had I now a thousand gallons of blood in my body, I could spill it all for the sake of the Lord Jesus.

I saw then in my dream that Hopeful looked back and saw Ignorance, whom they had left behind, coming after. Look, said he to Christian, how far yonder youngster loitereth behind.

Christian:  Ay, ay, I see him; he careth not for our company.

Hopeful: But I trow it would not have hurt him had he kept pace with us hitherto.

Christian:  That is true; but I warrant you he thinketh otherwise.

Hopeful: That, I think, he doth; but, however, let us tarry for him. So they did.

Then Christian said to him, Come away, man, why do you stay so behind?

Ignorance: I take my pleasure in walking alone, even more a great deal than in company, unless I like it the better.

Then said Christian to Hopeful, (but softly), Did I not tell you he cared not for our company? But, however, said he, come up, and let us talk away the time in this solitary place. Then directing his speech to Ignorance, he said, Come, how do you? How stands it between God and your soul now?

Ignorance's hope, and the ground of it

Ignorance: I hope well; for I am always full of good motions, that come into my mind, to comfort me as I walk.

Christian:  What good motions? pray, tell us.

Ignorance: Why, I think of God and heaven.

Christian:  So do the devils and damned souls.

Ignorance: But I think of them and desire them.

Christian:  So do many that are never like to come there. "The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing." [Prov. 13:4]

Ignorance: But I think of them, and leave all for them.

Christian:  That I doubt; for leaving all is a hard matter: yea, a harder matter than many are aware of. But why, or by what, art thou persuaded that thou hast left all for God and heaven.

Ignorance: My heart tells me so.

Christian:  The wise man says, "He that trusts his own heart is a fool." [Prov. 28:26]

Ignorance: This is spoken of an evil heart, but mine is a good one.

Christian:  But how dost thou prove that?

Ignorance: It comforts me in hopes of heaven.

Christian:  That may be through its deceitfulness; for a man's heart may minister comfort to him in the hopes of that thing for which he yet has no ground to hope.

Ignorance: But my heart and life agree together, and therefore my hope is well grounded.

Christian:  Who told thee that thy heart and life agree together?

Ignorance: My heart tells me so.

Christian:  Ask my fellow if I be a thief! Thy heart tells thee so! Except the Word of God beareth witness in this matter, other testimony is of no value.

Ignorance: But is it not a good heart that hath good thoughts? and is not that a good life that is according to God's commandments?

Christian:  Yes, that is a good heart that hath good thoughts, and that is a good life that is according to God's commandments; but it is one thing, indeed, to have these, and another thing only to think so.

Ignorance: Pray, what count you good thoughts, and a life according to God's commandments?

Christian:  There are good thoughts of divers kinds; some respecting ourselves, some God, some Christ, and some other things.

Ignorance: What be good thoughts respecting ourselves?

Christian:  Such as agree with the Word of God.

Ignorance: When do our thoughts of ourselves agree with the Word of God?

Christian:  When we pass the same judgment upon ourselves which the Word passes. To explain myself the Word of God saith of persons in a natural condition, "There is none righteous, there is none that doeth good." [Rom. 3] It saith also, that "every imagination of the heart of man is only evil, and that continually." [Gen. 6:5] And again, "The imagination of man's heart is evil from his youth." [Rom. 8:21] Now then, when we think thus of ourselves, having sense thereof, then are our thoughts good ones, because according to the Word of God.

Ignorance: I will never believe that my heart is thus bad.

Christian:  Therefore thou never hadst one good thought concerning thyself in thy life. But let me go on. As the Word passeth a judgment upon our heart, so it passeth a judgment upon our ways; and when OUR thoughts of our hearts and ways agree with the judgment which the Word giveth of both, then are both good, because agreeing thereto.

Ignorance: Make out your meaning.

Christian:  Why, the Word of God saith that man's ways are crooked ways; not good, but perverse. [Ps. 125:5, Prov. 2:15] It saith they are naturally out of the good way, that they have not known it. [Rom. 3] Now, when a man thus thinketh of his ways, I say, when he doth sensibly, and with heart-humiliation, thus think, then hath he good thoughts of his own ways, because his thoughts now agree with the judgment of the Word of God.

Ignorance: What are good thoughts concerning God?

Christian:  Even as I have said concerning ourselves, when our thoughts of God do agree with what the Word saith of him; and that is, when we think of his being and attributes as the Word hath taught, of which I cannot now discourse at large; but to speak of him with reference to us: Then we have right thoughts of God, when we think that he knows us better than we know ourselves, and can see sin in us when and where we can see none in ourselves; when we think he knows our inmost thoughts, and that our heart, with all its depths, is always open unto his eyes; also, when we think that all our righteousness stinks in his nostrils, and that, therefore, he cannot abide to see us stand before him in any confidence, even in all our best performances.

Ignorance: Do you think that I am such a fool as to think God can see no further than I? or, that I would come to God in the best of my performances?

Christian:  Why, how dost thou think in this matter?

Ignorance: Why, to be short, I think I must believe in Christ for justification.

Christian:  How! think thou must believe in Christ, when thou seest not thy need of him! Thou neither seest thy original nor actual infirmities; but hast such an opinion of thyself, and of what thou dost, as plainly renders thee to be one that did never see a necessity of Christ's personal righteousness to justify thee before God. How, then, dost thou say, I believe in Christ?

Ignorance: I believe well enough for all that.

Christian:  How dost thou believe?

Ignorance: I believe that Christ died for sinners, and that I shall be justified before God from the curse, through his gracious acceptance of my obedience to his law. Or thus, Christ makes my duties, that are religious, acceptable to his Father, by virtue of his merits; and so shall I be justified.

 Christian:  Let me give an answer to this confession of thy Faithful:  

1. Thou believest with a fantastical faith; for this faith is nowhere described in the Word.

2. Thou believest with a false faith; because it taketh justification from the personal righteousness of Christ, and applies it to thy own.

3. This faith maketh not Christ a justifier of thy person, but of thy actions; and of thy person for thy actions' sake, which is false.

4. Therefore, this faith is deceitful, even such as will leave thee under wrath, in the day of God Almighty; for true justifying faith puts the soul, as sensible of its condition by the law, upon flying for refuge unto Christ's righteousness, which righteousness of his is not an act of grace, by which he maketh for justification, thy obedience accepted with God; but his personal obedience to the law, in doing and suffering for us what that required at our hands; this righteousness, I say, true faith accepteth; under the skirt of which, the soul being shrouded, and by it presented as spotless before God, it is accepted, and acquit from condemnation.

Ignorance: What! would you have us trust to what Christ, in his own person, has done without us? This conceit would loosen the reins of our lust, and tolerate us to live as we list; for what matter how we live, if we may be justified by Christ's personal righteousness from all, when we believe it?

Christian:  Ignorance is thy name, and as thy name is, so art thou; even this thy answer demonstrateth what I say. Ignorant thou art of what justifying righteousness is, and as ignorant how to secure thy soul, through the faith of it, from the heavy wrath of God. Yea, thou also art ignorant of the true effects of saving faith in this righteousness of Christ, which is, to bow and win over the heart to God in Christ, to love his name, his word, ways, and people, and not as thou ignorantly imaginest.

Hopeful: Ask him if ever he had Christ revealed to him from heaven.

Ignorance: What! you are a man for revelations! I believe that what both you, and all the rest of you, say about that matter, is but the fruit of distracted brains.

Hopeful: Why, man! Christ is so hid in God from the natural apprehensions of the flesh, that he cannot by any man be savingly known, unless God the Father reveals him to them.

Ignorance: That is your faith, but not mine; yet mine, I doubt not, is as good as yours, though I have not in my head so many whimsies as you.

Christian:  Give me leave to put in a word. You ought not so slightly to speak of this matter; for this I will boldly affirm, even as my good companion hath done, that no man can know Jesus Christ but by the revelation of the Father; [Matt. 11:27] yea, and faith too, by which the soul layeth hold upon Christ, if it be right, must be wrought by the exceeding greatness of his mighty power; the working of which faith, I perceive, poor Ignorance, thou art ignorant of. [1 Cor. 12:3, Eph. 1:18,19] Be awakened, then, see thine own wretchedness, and fly to the Lord Jesus; and by his righteousness, which is the righteousness of God, for he himself is God, thou shalt be delivered from condemnation.

Ignorance: You go so fast, I cannot keep pace with you. Do you go on before; I must stay a while behind.

Then they said

Well, Ignorance, wilt thou yet foolish be, To slight good counsel, ten times given thee? And if thou yet refuse it, thou shalt know, Ere long, the evil of thy doing so. Remember, man, in time, stoop, do not fear; Good counsel taken well, saves: therefore hear. But if thou yet shalt slight it, thou wilt be The loser, (Ignorance), I'll warrant thee.

[dog-day-morning]

YOU OWE THEM NOTHING

People can be self-righteous when it comes to what they think God is supposed to do if, and when they call on Him. God is not a genie in a bottle that you rub, and a jinn pops out granting you 3 or 300 wishes. The saying faith without works is dead can be applied here. Have you ever heard of or read the book Daniel Webster and the devil? This tall tale or folklore legend was about a man who made a deal with old Slew Foot, and when it was time to pay up he had 2nd thoughts. Satan never plays fair. He's forever putting us in positions where we find ourselves desperate for a quick solution to a temporary problem that only leads to a difficult end. The Latin term for buyer beware is caveat emptor, and Satan knows how to spell. The power of a wicken comes from their basic weapon of spelling or casting spells by word of mouth. Even the Bible tells us that “Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.” Tell that to a Nicolaitan. Those who make deals with the most unclean should expect to suffer in the end. Never trust the father of lies who deals in treachery, and deceit. I look back at my mother's life and wonder if God had ever intervened for her, and fought her battles that surely He and only He would be able to deliver her from, and He has. Life is hard, for many it’s a nightmare that’s ongoing. Satan comes to you when you're at your weakest or most vulnerable in the hopes of snaring your soul into eternal suffering. Jesus comes to deliver us from death, sin, and temptations that confuse us in our trek towards His truth. If you have any aspirations of entertaining people with your gifted voice or your talent for playing lead guitar, don’t sign a contract that promises you the world only to find out you owe them your sweet ass which a man of honor wouldn't consider let alone make you cosign your body for their horn dog appeasement.

Revelation 2:9

9 I know thy works, and tribulation, and poverty, (but thou art rich) and I know the blasphemy of them which say they are Jews, and are not, but are the synagogue of Satan.

You're abundantly rich in spirit Yacob. Now’s the time to claim your position. These bastards have taken everything from you leaving your ancestors nothing but dust. If they could remove us off the face of the Earth they would. They're plotting to do so as you and I breathe, that's why the Father never sleeps. They are demon spawns who say they worship, and believe in God, but whose god, and what righteous god tells you to destroy a people with his blessing knowing what the children of Japheth have done to them historically? The spawns of Satan want your penuche, mouth, titties, and a-hole for their pleasure along with your talent that Justin Timberlake does not have. The new faces of R&B do not look like the people I grew up listening to or the race of people whose songs left an everlasting impression on my bleeding heart that helped me through my ill-fated, miserable existence. Robin Thicke, Christina Aguilera, K-Pop, the BackStreet Boys, and New Kids on the Block. Some of these groups are defunct, but they’re cranking out as many as they possibly can like Justin Bieber, and Demi Lovato. I just saw on YouTube where people were considering if Elvis Presley was Black, WTF?!! He was the biggest culture thief that Dr. Frankenstein, AKA Colonel Parker ever created. Man is cruel; Satan is a whole other type of bastard you shouldn’t entertain. I'm retarded. Some call me an idiot savant. YO MOMMA!!! People are blessed by the Father who has blessed many of us with gifts. There are many of you whom God has endowed with multiple talents that people would sell their soul in order to possess just one. If you're anointed by God to sing like Aretha Franklin may He lead you to sign with a label like Brother Carl Crawford's who won't make the same mistake he did with a very popular artist at this moment. More than likely you'll sign a contract entrusting your talent, blessing, and soul to the most unclean ones. Ain’t a reason in hell you should bow down or bend over for a leach like Mr. Friedman so he can butt bone your a-hole while enriching himself off your God given talents. God blesses those who seek him out, and those that don’t. I don’t know if Eddie Murphy went to Church, and sowed an offering every Sunday to God praying that the Father would make him the highest paid comedic actor in his prime. Richard Pryor was anointed in the womb to be the most blessed comedic talent, and influential comedian to ever walk this Earth bar none yet he and Mr. Murphy pursued their dreams in different ways with both of them becoming world renown. I'm inclined to ask, was it worth it?

Mark 8:36

For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?

The synagogue of Satan isn’t a trending pop culture manifestation that’s to be esteemed, cherished, or envied. These cults are trying to maintain a stranglehold on a world that’s not meant for them or their sort. People who play with Ouija boards or childhood games like Bloody Mary, and light as a feather are ushering dark spirits into their homes leaving their loved ones exposed to something sinister. Get the hell away from me and mine unless you're my sister, AKA Ms. Skunk Funk, who needs to get the crust burnt off her musty, dusty drawers. The whore of Don Juan has a death wish. Explain to me how running with the devil beats walking with God?

Isaiah 59:7

7 Their feet run to evil, and they make haste to shed innocent blood: their thoughts are thoughts of iniquity; wasting and destruction are in their paths.

This Nation was built on our ancestor’s blood, sweat, and relentless faith. Believe me when I say there's strength in every tear. I pray to God that I don’t shed anymore of them. Their wealth is not. It's a stolen Promise that the Father shall reward His children with. Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it. The most glaring, and frustrating example that is also bitter and disheartening I can give you is our Promised Inheritance called Yisrael that the gentiles are squatting on. When a person or in this case a tribe or race of people believe in their own lies they've become reprobate; they're lost.

Revelation 3:9

9 Behold, I will make them of the synagogue of Satan, which say they are Jews, and are not, but do lie; behold, I will make them to come and worship before thy feet, and to know that I have loved thee.

This is what all of Esau's children fear. It's why the bland, colored people of the world are flipping over the Earth's axis, and killing us without any probable cause. They are a lawless people who've displayed their lack of empathy, and humanity for anyone save their own breed, they behave like blood hounds. I've become content with this planet being void of water (Holy Spirit.) Black people suffer from a social disorder called the crab bucket mentality. We hate to see anyone rise up, and we’ll do whatever it takes to keep them down or discourage them. That person may possess something that can benefit the collective, who cares. He who possesses that blessing needs to haul tail ASAP before the winter comes knowing the Father will bless him, and a downtrodden people beyond their wildest dreams. This is why Yeshua, and His Father call us children. It's why I pray, and bemoan to the Father daily that He slays me, putting the fear of the Lord in the heathen and His Son Christ Jesus uses us for His purpose. God doesn't need us, we need Him. He's given us so much power, and authority. When you acquire it, use it for something other than satisfying your sinful, carnal, flesh minded desires. Men, don't behave like horn dogs, and women do not behave as Aholah, and Aholibah, 2 whores.

Numbers 32:24

24 Build you cities for your little ones, and folds for your sheep; and do that which hath proceeded out of your mouth.

Out of thine own mouth you have power to tread over snakes and scorpions. You can exorcise demons and devils out of your present life braking generational curses which is what I' want for a family that's disowned me. To God be the glory. God is telling us to declare a thing, and claim it. What a mighty, just God we serve. Your tongue will become a weapon to use against the lawless ones who use theirs recklessly in their attempts to get us arrested or murdered by local, and federal authorities. You can call it giving them a taste of their own medicine, it isn't. You're reclaiming what they've taken, stolen, including those of us they've murdered.

Isaiah 54:17

17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is of me, saith the Lord.

The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. Speak positive prayers out loud if you can. If you live with your family or have a roommate pray in the closet. You'll have favor with God that many people won't. They rebuked the Lord, and their anger did tear perpetually, and they kept their wrath forever. When they use their privilege, which is what we call it more often than they, comprehending they’re fully aware knowing they use it with a Demonic, driven hatred. They persecute Black men, women, and children for reasons that are not godly, and the Father does not condone. They, and all the Earth will have to answer for our individual sins against the Father in the end.

Luke 10:19

19 Behold, I give unto you power to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy: and nothing shall by any means hurt you.

We don’t worship the same god as they do. They're praying to a god to erase us off the face of the Earth. Why hasn't he?.

Exodus 1:12

12 But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and grew. And they were grieved because of the children of Israel.

Their birth rate is dropping steadily. For the first time in the history of the census they decreased in population globally while indigenous, and other races of people stayed steady or in our case increased. This is the reasoning behind these draconian abortion laws. They're trying to preserve themselves while God is eliminating the Earth of their bloody dominion. God is sending the wicked a message before the storm comes, but no one's listening. Their violence towards us is documented, and more often it's unprovoked. They continue with the guilty until proven worthy of their mercy dogmatic mantra which is racist BS. The Earth will be lulled back to sleep. When they're confident that their world isn't in danger of being challenged by anyone, especially us. That's when God will do things that will scare them right back to the caucasus mountains bringing destruction to those who've touched, bruised, and abused the Apple of His eye. Speak life into your angel spirit, don’t entertain the demon seed that's trying to kill you, and the rest of Earth's indigenous people. You have much authority, use it. Elohim. 9/23/2021