#(brain's just 'they are misgendering you they are mistaken you are female' and i just

[aparticularbandit]

Also someone definitely referred to me as he earlier and just. That was so nice. SO nice.

[smartbutuncertified]

So. Today I read J.K. Rowling’s essay on trans people.

I could spend hours finding sources to debunk what she said. I could yell until my fingers are tired that trans women are women, trans men are men, and nonbinary people are valid. I could cry. I could leave it to others. It’s been a long few months. I’m tired.

But I’m a trans man. I can see how she’s weaponizing our existence against our trans sisters. I can’t let that pass.

A lot of the discussion around TERFs revolves around trans women, and for good reason. TERF’s hatefulness is primarily directed at AMAB trans people, especially transfem ones, because of the mistaken belief that they are men invading women’s spaces. All that they are doing is striving to be treated as who they are instead of who others say that they are.

Because of this, much of the pushback against TERFs comes from a place of support of and defense for trans women. This has led to the TERFs developing a tactic that I’m going to name “Dysphoric ‘women’ in distress.”

Persistently attacking a group without clearly defending someone is a great way to get panned for being unreasonable. TERFs don’t want to be seen as a hate movement, so they focus their vitriol on trans women, and attempt to sweep trans men and AFAB nonbinary people under their banner. They’re protecting all “females”, see? No bigotry here.

Here’s a few passages from Rowling’s essay about trans men, and about biological sex, in the order that they appear. The bolding is mine.

“Ironically, radical feminists aren’t even trans-exclusionary – they include trans men in their feminism, because they were born women.”

“The fourth is where things start to get truly personal. I’m concerned about the huge explosion in young women wishing to transition and also about the increasing numbers who seem to be detransitioning (returning to their original sex), because they regret taking steps that have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility.“

“The UK has experienced a 4400% increase in girls being referred for transitioning treatment. Autistic girls are hugely overrepresented in their numbers.“

“The writings of young trans men reveal a group of notably sensitive and clever people.  The more of their accounts of gender dysphoria I’ve read, with their insightful descriptions of anxiety, dissociation, eating disorders, self-harm and self-hatred, the more I’ve wondered whether, if I’d been born 30 years later, I too might have tried to transition. The allure of escaping womanhood would have been huge. “

“I’ve read all the arguments about femaleness not residing in the sexed body, and the assertions that biological women don’t have common experiences, and I find them, too, deeply misogynistic and regressive. It’s also clear that one of the objectives of denying the importance of sex is to erode what some seem to see as the cruelly segregationist idea of women having their own biological realities or – just as threatening – unifying realities that make them a cohesive political class. “

Trans men are not women. We are not girls. We are mostly AFAB, with some intersex and CAFAB men as well.

As an autistic trans man, autistic people may be more likely to transition, but that doesn’t mean that our transitions are less valid or more suspect. To say otherwise is both ableism and infantalization.

Lastly, the idea of womanhood being biological is as deeply offensive to us as it is to trans women. We share a lot of the health risks and need for reproductive rights and justice that cis women do, but this does not make us women. Trans women are women, not us.

Trans men are not delusional women to be protected from ourselves. We are not part of any “class” of women. This sickly sweet “compassion” because we “were born women” is not something that we support or want any part of. We are not and never will be women. The only people we’re in danger from are transphobes like Rowling.

This is not to say that trans men face the same things as trans women.

Trans women face a whole section of transphobia that transmasc people are exempt from, transmisogny. They are disproportionately targeted by TERFs and other transphobes.

Compare what she says about trans women to the statements about trans men. Again, the bolding is mine.

“Magdalen was an immensely brave young feminist and lesbian who was dying of an aggressive brain tumour. I followed her because I wanted to contact her directly, which I succeeded in doing. However, as Magdalen was a great believer in the importance of biological sex, and didn’t believe lesbians should be called bigots for not dating trans women with penises, dots were joined in the heads of twitter trans activists, and the level of social media abuse increased.“

“Examples of so-called TERFs range from the mother of a gay child who was afraid their child wanted to transition to escape homophobic bullying, to a hitherto totally unfeminist older lady who’s vowed never to visit Marks & Spencer again because they’re allowing any man who says they identify as a woman into the women’s changing rooms. “

“I happen to know a self-described transsexual woman who’s older than I am and wonderful. Although she’s open about her past as a gay man, I’ve always found it hard to think of her as anything other than a woman, and I believe (and certainly hope) she’s completely happy to have transitioned. Being older, though, she went through a long and rigorous process of evaluation, psychotherapy and staged transformation. The current explosion of trans activism is urging a removal of almost all the robust systems through which candidates for sex reassignment were once required to pass. A man who intends to have no surgery and take no hormones may now secure himself a Gender Recognition Certificate and be a woman in the sight of the law.”

“But, as many women have said before me, ‘woman’ is not a costume. ‘Woman’ is not an idea in a man’s head.”

“So I want trans women to be safe. At the same time, I do not want to make natal girls and women less safe. When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he’s a woman – and, as I’ve said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside.”

“On Saturday morning, I read that the Scottish government is proceeding with its controversial gender recognition plans, which will in effect mean that all a man needs to ‘become a woman’ is to say he’s one. To use a very contemporary word, I was ‘triggered’. Ground down by the relentless attacks from trans activists on social media, when I was only there to give children feedback about pictures they’d drawn for my book under lockdown, I spent much of Saturday in a very dark place inside my head, as memories of a serious sexual assault I suffered in my twenties recurred on a loop. That assault happened at a time and in a space where I was vulnerable, and a man capitalised on an opportunity.  I couldn’t shut out those memories and I was finding it hard to contain my anger and disappointment about the way I believe my government is playing fast and loose with womens and girls’ safety.“

Things to note:

She was concerned about trans men undergoing voluntary hormones and surgeries because they “have, in some cases, altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility.”, but is repeatedly horrified by the idea that trans women could be considered women without them.

She is consistently pitching the narrative that trans women’s interests are men’s interests and in conflict with women’s interests.

The misgendering is about equal in both sections, but in this one, the misgendering is intentionally framed as trans women being deceitful men, whereas trans men are framed as women and “girls” in distress. Notice that the trans women are always “men”, never “boys”, for maximum implicit threat.

“’woman’ is not a costume” is a huge red flag. Trans women aren’t wearing costumes, they’re living their lives as women.

The narrative she’s weaving is that trans men are misled women who need help and protection, and trans women are potentially predatory men. She leaves caveats, such as the “self-described transsexual woman”, but even she is referred to as a former man, and we don’t know how that trans woman feels about that. She’s being used as a prop, framed as an exception.

This is all transphobia, and heavily leans towards transmisogyny.

In short:

Trans men aren’t interested in you persecuting our sisters to “defend” us. Fuck off, Rowling.

[mediocrequeerpoetry]

Straight Couple (a poem)

“I don’t understand, why can’t you just be happy as a man?”

They tell me that my arguments are inconsistent. Gender can’t be in the brain and be social, right? When in human history has one thing ever been tied to two things?

They misgender me, every one. My worst enemy reminds me that I’ll never be who I want, that everyone can see through this ruse. My mother calls me a man with love in her heart.

I try to ignore it. Fail, pick at the scab a little bit. Will they ever see me how I see myself? I’m afraid the answer is no. I let the words fall on me. They’re just words.

Conversations about me when I’m not in the room.

“Hey, what’s going on with Doug?”

“Oh I don’t know, I just make eye contact and ignore it.”

Nobody around me has any understanding of who I am. They refuse to seek it out.

Would you do a little research for your best friend? Your child? A couple google searches, maybe a definition? Would you sit them down and tell them that you understand? Would you bring up the misgendering, the distance, the unstable homeostasis of unsaid words?

Nobody will approach me about it. They look at me, surprise in their eyes. They look away. Men quicker. As if looking too long will damage them. Women tend to stare.

Some men stare. Here comes one now.

He tells me I’m not a real woman. He implies it, once as he looks me up and down.

He makes a rude joke, covering with laughter. Endless “aw, but I was just kidding!” He says it again more forcefully when he’s inside me, reminding me of all the parts I do and don’t have.

“I’ve never fucked a guy before.” He cums. He’s straight, but not right now. Not in his mind. Next comes uncertainty, questioning, an existential crisis. Sometimes violent. I put my hand on his shoulder and try to be as feminine as possible. This time it’s not for me.

---

“Ugh, it’s really hard. I’m sorry.” I smile. It’s okay, I understand, I trip up a lot myself. Those that make the effort have earned their errors.

Others are worse.

“Hey bro, we’re having a guys’ night.”

“We’ll be right with you, sir.”

“At least you and Nick are a straight couple.”

This last one blows me away, leaves me thinking about it. My trans boyfriend has been wearing solely men’s clothes for as long as I’ve known him.

He has the face, the voice, the body, the clothes. He has done his best making himself comfortable. He passes.

And yet, to my best friend, he does not. He fails some kind of internal test, ending gendered female when the words come out. He doesn’t have it.

And I can’t even come close. If Nick fails the test I receive the lowest score in the class. I end this train of thought gendered male.

We become, against all odds, a straight couple.

I am the man. I hold doors, I hold bags, I hold the check at dinner.

She is the woman. She receives sex and affection. She spends hours getting ready to go out, inexplicably.

This doesn’t feel right.

When the day is right, a doctor’s appointment, a wedding, something where I cannot be myself, we are gay.

I look like a man, maybe feel it a little bit, maybe try to feel it more. He looks so handsome holding me. I’m nervous, self-conscious, and not for the usual reasons. He looks through grindr, sometimes for a laugh.

Rarely we are lesbians. This is me fulfilled and him chafing at these rigid gendered lines. He looks butch, mistaken for a lesbian many times. I look beyond butch, mistaken for a man a hundred times a day. It’s funny how people see what they want to see.

When we are alone we’re real.

I am the woman. I give sex and affection. I spend hours getting ready to go out. I treat my man as well as he deserves. I listen to his problems and tell him it’s okay to cry.

He is the man. He holds doors, he holds bags, he holds me heavy in his arms as I tell him my fears. He holds my love in two hands, carefully, delicately.

We are, against all odds, a straight couple.