#(been battling cancer for a year but without responding really well to treatment)

[kingofthering]

You know when you’re dreading bad news from weeks and you would think your brain is ready for it by now but then it comes and it turns out, things still suck? Yeah.

[rhysand-vs-fenrys]

OK serious post about the Azriel POV just laying it out because I’m not going to respond to negative asks when that opens back up::

My stance on this is heavily skewed by my own experiences at work. I work in television production- a massively male dominated industry that doesn’t see many females in the wing of it I’m in (actual production like camera ops and audio and such). 

On top of that- and something I didn’t know when I started working there- the station has a reputation of being a “last chance” place for mainly people who worked in news but were fired and blacklisted by the news stations in town. Most of it for sexual harassment.

I have been harassed in ways that would shock and infuriate you, and no one- not a single person- stands in my corner. At best they’ll say after the fact “yeah that wasn’t professional” when a man does something. But not once will they stand up for me and not in front of any authority figure.

I also walk into rooms and hear obscene jokes about me cut off suddenly, or overhear things on comms I wasn’t meant to hear.

So I had to make a line in the sand to stay sane. Not working there hasn’t really been an option for me. I have a good resume, I work very hard, I’m focused and professional and people love me but for some reason I cannot get a fucking interview elsewhere.

Anyways, to survive at the station I had to make a line about what was going to ruin my day and what wasn’t. Where I would fight to have the deepest impact. If I raise a flag on everything that is done to me every time it is done then no one will listen. But if I pick my battles the hammer blow lands harder. It’s the difference between being dismissed from an office and ignored and having the CEO scream at a man in front of everyone (but not fire him for it).

I’ll put myself between any man and the 1-2 women who have started working at the station. One of them was physically assaulted by a man there and HR told her that if she cared she would go to the cops (this girl is a literal angel and didn’t want him to be fired and lose his health insurance as he was going through cancer treatment when he closed her in a room and forced his tongue down her throat. He was not fired for that, they let him continue to follow her and make obscene overtures to her in the halls for 2 years before he was finally fired for using the building for an unauthorized event). I will put myself between her (or the other girl) and any man without a second thought to protect them. I make sure I know where they are and who is around them at all times if one of the Problem Men is in the building.

So my line in the sand is this:: I will protect any woman from facing that kind of treatment as best I can. But for myself I only count actions. Direct statements to me- or things said loudly to others- and direct actions towards or against me.

People are very angry about how Azriel sexualizes Elain. How he thinks about her along purely sexual and possessive lines. VERY angry. And I agree it’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship.

I understand that, but I’m not ready to damn him for it just yet *only* because he hasn’t done anything by word or deed. Poisonous thoughts are poisonous thoughts- Rhys is very well aware of what Azriel is thinking. But since he hasn’t so much as treated Elain differently - or Lucien- I’m not jumping onto the “cancel Azriel” train just yet.

I don’t see any future for Elriel as a ship, I never have and ACOSF- to me- only confirmed that won’t be happening. But probably because of my own experiences outlined above... I’ve worked at the station for 7 years and I wish the guys were more like Azriel. 

And I know that skews my perception of this and probably in a way that working somewhere safer and better for a little while would fix and I might take a different stance. But yeah. Where I work I wish the guys were polite enough to keep it in their thoughts alone.

If Azriel does do anything direct and negative then that’s a different matter to me. But I don’t count thoughts against a person. Just deeds. And as for giving Gwyn the necklace instead like... *shrug* he was going to return it anyways and at least it made her happy? He didn’t claim responsibility for it so unless Elain sees her wearing it and says something neither of them will ever know and it will be this little sweet gesture that makes Gwyn happy.

[bigchiefcarts]

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[ahnsael]

Lat night at work was rough.

I was down a security guard (on drop night, when we empty the cash from the slot machines), the only other employee was a new hire, and for the first time that I can remember we had double-digit crowds through the process (for our place, at 3:30-5am, that’s a lot). And it didn’t help that the people kept jumping around to different machines that we had already opened for the drop team to empty, closing them up themselves (they’re regular enough gamblers that they know which machines they can close without a key), and playing them without us knowing. At least one machine’s count will be off because they played it after the meters had been read and we didn’t know it until it was too late.

On top of having to be the security guard guarding the cart, I was also a cashier, the floor manager, and the bartender (but since I was guarding the cart that the money is placed on, the bar essentially closed when the drop process started -- I had to tell everyone that asked for a drink that it was just not possible under the circumstances).

Next week, my schedule (as well as the schedule of the other graveyard manager) changes, so they will be bartending on drop nights and I can be free to handle the drop, and also so that I will be there Thursday night/Friday morning to do payroll.

But I told the new hire that she did an amazing job -- because she really did. She doesn’t know enough to handle the floor on her own right now, but I was close enough, when she had issues, to shout direction to her while I guarded the money. At the end, I told her that Graveyard just finds a way to make things work, and that she DEFINITELY did her part in that. I’m proud of her, and wanted to make sure she knew that (especially since when she came in, she broke down crying in the office due to a nasty custody battle involving her kids, and the swing shift manager called me in to hear her out so I knew what kind of day she had, but she was able to put it aside for the night and do some fantastic work under great personal stress).

This one is a keeper as an employee if she can hang like she did last night. And the custody battle involves the baby-daddy not dropping the kids off at the court-appointed time (two weeks with dad, two weeks with mom, rinse and repeat), and she thinks he’s trying to keep her from her kids. It’s a sad situation.

It made me think of my mom’s divorce with bio-dad. But in that case, they just asked each of us kids who they wanted to live with, and then told the judge our decision, and that’s how it was. I saw my bio-dad once or twice a month by being put on an airport shuttle from LAX to Santa Barbara for a while, until I was about 12 years old (about five or six years after the divorce) and he seemed to lose interest in seeing me. Because my mom thought it was important for me to still have a relationship with him (long-time followers know what a disaster that turned out to be for me -- if you didn’t follow me years ago when I told that story and are curious send me an ask and I’ll respond privately).

But her situation is different. And I feel for her. And she was an absolute trooper to work last night/this morning after what she went through yesterday.

Oh, and our three-day/week bartender has cancer, and starts chemo next month. So I don’t know whether he’ll be at work or not (I am not familiar with chemotherapy’s effects other than hair loss, and he says it will be five days/week for eight-nine weeks, so we may be down someone else soon -- which is okay; as I said, Graveyard finds ways to make things work -- but I’m worried about the guy, and obviously more worried about his health than I am about being short-handed). He told me he was going to be having radiation treatments, but didn’t say whether or not he’d be gone. Maybe someone with more knowledge can enlighten me on the odds, since I’ve never dealt with this on a personal level before (with my bio-dad, I wouldn’t consider it personal -- and he refused chemo because he figured that if he prayed hard enough, God would miracle him better).

I think I’ve told this story before (I used to call it a “joke,” but the more I think of my bio-dad putting it into action (even though he’s the one who told me this “joke” in the first place), but maybe it bears repeating:

A man is in a flood zone, and the water is rising. He resorts to climbing onto his roof to get out of the rushing water.

A rescue boat comes by, and the people in the boat urge the man to get in. “We can get you to land and to safety, just get in the boat.”

And the man says, “No, go help someone else. I have faith that God will save me.”

The boat pilot argues for a short time, but figures it’s a losing battle, and moves on to save other people while there’s still time.

About a half an hour later, the man is on top of his roof, and the water is at his ankles. The boat comes back. “The water’s rising, and you need to get into this boat so we can get you to safety!”

And again the man says, “Go help other people. I’ll be okay. God will save me.” The boat pilot doesn’t put much into his argument this time -- he knows there are people who still need to be saved who will be at risk if he spends too much time on this stubborn person.

Another 20 minutes goes by, and everyone else has been rescued. And the boat returns to the man’s house. The water is almost up to his knees, and he is struggling to keep his footing. “For the last time, man, get in this boat! We can save you, but if you refuse us this time, the water will be too rough for us to come back again to try to get you.”

“No, get yourselves to safety. God will save me.”

So, needless to say, the waters continue to rise and the man gets swept away in the floodwaters and drowns. After he dies, he goes to St. Peter’s Gate, and requests an audience with God. St. Peter says “This is very irregular, but after the story you just told me, I will see what I can do.”

St. Peter consults with God and God grants the man an audience. The man says to God, “God, I was a faithful man. I was SO sure that you were going to save me, and that I didn’t need the help of man. Why did you forsake me?”

God sighed, and looked at the guy, and said, “Man I sent that boat for you THREE TIMES. Don’t blame me that you were too stupid to get in.”

[theculturedmarxist]

The list is long: Actors Idris Elba, Tom Hanks, and Rita Wilson. British football manager Mikel Arteta. Former television host afnd wife to Canada’s prime minister, Sophie Trudeau. The majority of the Los Angeles Lakers basketball team.

What do all these prominent people have in common? They were all able to rapidly access tests for SARS-CoV-2, the novel coronavirus now racing across the world. While testing for the coronavirus becomes the most in-demand “luxury” good among the famous and wealthy, it remains out of reach of the rest of the population. A London clinic currently offers this test for 375 British pounds (around $432), but demand is so high that even getting a booking requires connections.

The rich and the powerful have those connections, and they are managing to scramble their way to the top of the pile while average people — and more importantly, front-line responders like policemen, paramedics, family doctors, and medical staff actually working on wards devoted to the Covid-19 illness — do not have access to prioritized medical treatment.

Outbreaks have a way of revealing a society’s values. Are these really going to be ours?

This issue was first drawn to my attention when one of my former medical students who is now an infectious disease doctor reached out to me for help as the first Covid-19 patients started arriving at her hospital. “I am treating a ward full of positive patients,” she told me. “I am unsure how I can do my job when I could be transmitting the virus as I care for patients around the hospital.”

“I do not have testing if I fall ill and have symptoms,” she added. “I have already been exposed and been told to continue working.”

This is an unacceptable risk for several reasons. First, health workers are putting their lives on the line doing their jobs. In Italy, at least 2,629 health workers have been infected by coronavirus, making up 8.3 percent of cases. China lost several young doctors in their 30s to the virus. In the U.S., an ongoing and irresponsible shortage of tests is leaving hospital workers showing symptoms without access to a diagnosis.

In a pandemic, the health care workforce is our most precious resource. Unlike masks and ventilators, doctors, nurses, and other health care personnel have trained for years to gain skills that we desperately need to combat this virus, and it is impossible to replace them easily. As my former student wrote: “We will lose the battle against his virus if we lose our health care workers this early into the outbreak.”

We cannot afford for hospitals themselves, filled already with vulnerable patients who already have other health conditions, to become the very hotspots of Covid-19 infections. Covid-19 mortality rises with age as well as with pre-existing conditions like cardiovascular disease, cancer, hypertension, and diabetes. By failing to ensure adequate testing for the personnel charged with their care, we risk exposing already immunocompromised patients to a virus that has high odds of killing them — and doing so in the very place that should be protecting and supporting them to better health.

In a pandemic, the health care workforce is our most precious resource.

Reinfection is another concern. Does having had the virus and surviving it leave us with the antibodies to prevent another infection later? Or do we remain vulnerable to reinfection? The answer is not clear and could be crucial in how we develop public health policies in the future. By not testing health workers who are exposed to high viral loads on a daily basis, we are missing an opportunity to launch a massive research study looking at which of them develop Covid-19, how many are asymptomatic carriers of the virus, and whether any of them, once back in the workforce after recovery, are susceptible to reinfection.

Making matters worse, many health workers — in the U.S., in the U.K., and elsewhere — are being asked to work without proper protective personal equipment (PPE). “Doctors, nurses, and support workers are unprotected,” another former student, now working in a general hospital, wrote to me. Guidance from the World Health Organization recommends that health workers should have, among other protective equipment, a “filtering facepiece,” or FFP mask, or N95-rated mask, when treating patients. My former student reported that there simply aren’t enough of these to go around. “FFP2 masks are being rationed,” he said. “We have been told there aren’t enough in the hospital. We are being pressured to treat patients without proper protection.”

It’s an infuriatingly common problem: In the U.S., the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has recommended that nurses use bandanas and scarves during face mask shortages. Even in Germany, a doctor working in a hospital in Frankfurt told me that when doctors can acquire a proper mask, they are allocated just one per day, which means restricting their eating and drinking in case the mask becomes contaminated when they take it off.

If governments are unable to manufacture enough protective equipment in the time necessary, deals with other countries are necessary. China has been helping the European Union by sending 2 million surgical masks and 200,000 of the respiratory protection masks, returning the favor after the E.U. sent 55 tons of protective equipment to China in the midst of their crisis. Protecting health workers is an urgent priority and one that governments need to act quickly on. Health workers have expressed that without proper equipment, they fear they are being sent out to die — or to risk condemning others to the same fate.

Meanwhile, the very linchpin to beating back the pandemic — fast, widespread, accessible, reliable testing, particularly for health workers bearing the brunt of exposure on our behalf — continues to confound many governments. And yet somehow, despite all of the shortfalls and all of the life-and-death risk-taking going on in hospital wards and clinics, the well-heeled and the well-connected are able to fare just fine. Supermodel Heidi Klum reportedly got her test on Saturday.

In the current emergency, we cannot have one set of rules for celebrities and the rich, and another for frontline health workers and staff. The rich, after all, can stay cocooned in the safety of their homes, protected from financial precarity and economic disruption. Our doctors, nurses, ambulance drivers, and other health workers and staff — often underpaid, overworked, and risking their own health to care for others — must expose themselves in order to do their jobs. What does it say about us when basketball players can be readily tested and treated, but our health care workforce cannot?

There is a powerful message we should all be pushing to every politician — and every celebrity — right now: Test and protect our health workers and front-line responders. They are society’s most precious defense line against Covid-19.

[doctormono]

00:00:00:00:14:59

It was easier when I was a kid. Maybe because I didn’t understand what I was seeing. Everybody had numbers over their head, counting down to zero. It wasn’t until I was around nine years old that I understood it was counting down to each person’s time of death, or Life Counter as my video game addled internal monologue got used to calling them. Most people had years, decades even on their life counter. When I was twelve, I realized my mother’s life counter only had a couple years left, so I spent every day I could with her and visibly watched my efforts add a few more years to her life before cancer finally took her. But our relationship had delighted her enough to make those last few years fill her with pride and ease. I could not have asked for more. When I was young, I wondered if there was a religious connection. My Presbyterian upbringing had no words for what I saw, so I began to discard that idea out of hand. I understood the Life Counter’s connection to decisions and well-being by the time I was eighteen. We were having a graduation party and Tommy Sanders was drinking way too much. As I watched, his counter dropped from four decades, to twenty minutes in less than an hour. I tried to keep him at the party and sometimes, my arguments would cause his Life Counter to pause while he considered my words. But his drunkenness won the battle and he tried to drive home. He wrapped his car around a telephone pole less than a mile away from the party. When I got there, I held his hand as he died. I watched his Life Counter drop to its final few digits and spoke soothing words to ease him along. In the reflection of the passenger side window, I saw a year add to my own Life Counter. Then I understood. It was game balancing. This wasn’t an ability given from a divine presence, this was a dev team working the kinks out of their game. From that point on, I took Life Counters more seriously. I went to school for nursing and dedicated my life to helping others deal with their counters running out. I even specialized in oncology nursing and found a position at a local hospital ward that specialized in palliative care. Sometimes, I was able to help my patients to make good decisions and add months or even years to their counters. But more often than not, I was simply an ear or shoulder to help them in the hardest of times. People talk about the clinical side of our vocation- that we can separate ourselves from our patients and stay professional. That’s bullshit. I fell in love with each and every one of my patients, especially near the end when all pretense was gone and many just wanted someone to know who they really were. I had my favorites- a little boy named Juan that I was able to help gain years on his prognosis by delighting him with my boyfriend’s Star Wars costume group appearances, or Andrea who reminded me so much of my mother and hearing her stories added a week and a half to her Life Counter. But most importantly, was Sister Margaret. Margaret, or Maggie to her friends, was in her nineties. She’d come under doctor’s instruction with expectation of end of life care, but here was a 93-year-old nun with 34 years left on her Life Counter. I wanted to ask how that was even possible, but I knew the moment I first brought a meal to her room, that she could see Life Counters too. I didn’t speak of it at all. I avoided being alone with her as long as possible until I had to help her with adjusting her IV tube. “You’re not immortal, you know,” she said as if we were in the middle of a conversation. I’d thought she had been sleeping. “I’m sorry?” “You’re not immortal. Sure, you have a heads up onto how long you have left, but that number goes both ways, Child.” I sat on the edge of her bed and looked deep into her eyes. “Nancy,” I said with a tap on my nametag. “But I’ve been sick before, and it never seemed to affect my Life Counter.” “Is that what you call it?” She laughed a bit and placed one of her hands on mine. It felt cold, and I cupped it in both of mine to keep it warm. “I always called it the Clock.” Without realizing it, both of our Life Counters rose. We went on to discuss how it worked, and what it implied. She had found a place for her in the Church as she studied what the Clock meant. She’d been convinced that we were something akin to Grim Reapers, Ankou, or even something like Mot or Charon. I understood about half of it. In turn, I explained my video game theory and she agreed that giving us a benefit could just be “Game Balancing” but she emphasized that we could make the same bad decisions as the departing and lose years on our counters in the blink of an eye. She was right, of course. Later that week, after a twenty-hour shift, I’d just put on my coat and pulled out my keys for the thirty-minute drive home when I passed by Maggie’s door and heard her shriek from within. “NANCY!” I stopped and ran into her room. She was staring above my head. “Twenty-five minutes.” I looked in a mirror, the bags under my eyes had bags. But over my head, my Life Counter read “00:00:00:00:24:48” I stepped back and almost fell onto her bed. “You won’t be driving home tonight,” she said gesturing at the couch in her room. “You won’t make it.” I agreed. But when I woke, I found that Maggie had left in the night. It was a long time later that I truly understood. She’d only agreed to accept her doctor’s request because she would be needed. For me. Balancing. The Dev Team was on their game. With all that had come in recent months, I couldn’t stay at the oncology ward upstate much longer. I took a leave of absence long before Covid-19 hit our shores to help out at NYU Medical Center in the heart of the city. Somehow, I knew it was coming. It wasn’t a side quest; this was the main storyline mission. But a month into the outbreak in NYC, and I didn’t feel like I was helping enough. My counter hadn’t risen in weeks, and worse of all the bodies were beginning to pile up. We’d needed to order a refrigerated trailer just to house what we couldn’t fit in our overflowing morgue. It was Friday. I left the room we kept a seven-year-old boy named Tyler in. He was positive for corona virus and not responding well to treatment. His counter said he had just over two days. He was still coherent but in isolation, and could barely breathe with the ventilator. But worst of all, his parents were not allowed in the hospital. We skyped them daily, but ultimately this child was dying alone, surrounded by anonymous doctors and nurses with masks and gloves, without understanding why. Nothing I’d tried had helped in the least. It was all I could do to keep the tears at bay. I still had more patients to visit on my rounds, including a new tenant two rooms down. I changed my gloves and mask before checking on them. It was Maggie. But My elation was short lived as I realized her counter had only four days left. “Maggie?” Her eyes eased open and took a while to focus on me before she feebly said “Nancy?” “Maggie,” I began exasperated. “You should still have another twenty-five years or so. What happened?” Maggie huffed as she struggled to find words without her ventilator. “It’s worse, Nancy… Worse than polio. I had to open our doors. Help who I could. The Clock be damned.” I explained what had happened here at NYU. I talked about my patients, how I didn’t seem to be helping. I cried about Tyler. I could feel how cold Maggie’s hand was through my glove. “It’s not about their Clocks anymore, Nancy. It’s…not even about.. yours. The Final Boss. It takes a risk to beat. And some risks, we don’t beat.” I understood. When I left her room that night, I took off my gloves and mask. I sat by Tyler’s bed and I held his small hand against my cheek until he woke. “Hi there,” I began. “I’m your nurse, Nancy. And I’m going to stay here with you.” Tears followed well-worn tracks on his cheeks as he smiled weakly. “But you’ll run out of time.” “I don’t care,” I admitted through the well of tears. And I didn’t. My Life Counter would reach zero sooner than I’d expected, but in the end, it gave him more time on his.

[cbdoilaustralia-blog]

Australians Use CBD Oil To Fight Autoimmune Diseases

The human body, in general, can very well take care of itself from infancy well into old age. There are instances when your health may plummet but a quick rest can usually do the trick and get you back on your feet in no time. At times, you may need to see your doctor and take some tests along with some medicines to speed up the process of healing and recovery but these times are fleeting and you will soon notice that the discomforts have disappeared and you are back to your old self again. Well, this is the reality we want to live in, in a perfect world. Sorry to burst anyone’s bubble but we are living in an imperfect world. Everything has its flaws, even us.

Major problems arise once your body attacks your own body. It is not new to us since there are plenty of diagnosed autoimmune disorders that mess up the lives of some people. The most challenging part about such a diagnosis is the fact that it often does not have a cure and can greatly impact the way you live your life. Imagine your own body attacking itself. It can pose plenty of problems that aren’t always easy to manage and can even mess with your finances if you aren’t financially prepared for it. Chronic diseases require a lot and if you aren’t up for the challenge, you’d likely have a hard time living decently on a day-to-day basis.

There is good news, though. You no longer need to suffer in silence if you have been diagnosed with an autoimmune condition. As of recent years, there have been plenty of studies showing that the use of cannabis can help with autoimmune disorder sufferers. There are about over 80 recognized autoimmune conditions in the world right now and the symptoms one may experience vary depending on the body part that is affected.

Managing Autoimmune Conditions

The accepted way of treating autoimmune diseases right now is with the use of prescription drugs. These medicines aim to turn off the body’s self-attack switch but it is still a work in progress. These medicines are usually immunosuppressive by nature in order for it to attack autoimmune antibodies that disrupt your body’s normal and delicate balance. Like any other standard drug, such medicines have its fair share of bothersome side effects, not to mention they may come at a steep price too. Aside from the bothersome side effects, immunosuppressive medicine can also predispose the person taking it to cancer. You will also be required to take steroids in conjunction with your treatment to reduce the underlying inflammation and suppress the immune system, making the drug more effective in doing its job.  Many are now a fan of taking steroids for the long term especially that it does very little in really addressing the problem. It is like a band-aid solution that may even worsen your situation over time. These are some of the reasons why patients continue to seek a more natural approach to fighting off autoimmune diseases.

CBD Oil Shows Promise

A more natural approach to autoimmune treatment is the use of medical cannabis. Cannabis is renowned in decreasing inflammation, repairing the GI tract, and regulating various immune responses and functions. What makes it even better is that medical cannabis is generally low in THC (tetrahydrocannabinol), making it non-addictive and lacks any psychoactive properties that made it highly stigmatized a few decades back. Patients suffering from Lupus, multiple sclerosis, Crohn’s disease, and many others have found relief in CBD oil. This popular cannabinoid, CBD, which is now taking the world by storm activates the body’s own endocannabinoid system and consequently a number of body processes that are vital to life and good health. With its help, a body battling self-attack from autoimmune disorders may eventually bring internal balance back without hurting the body or making the person suffer from discomforts that can interfere with their daily living. To have a better picture of how this happens, think of CBD oil responding to an injured cell attacked by its own self by calming down its nearby cells and preventing excessive firing by stabilizing the affected nerve cell. It sounds easy to do but current medical protocols haven’t yet cracked the delicate balance on how the human body can do this 100% without fail and side effects.

http://www.cbdoilaustralian.com.au/ is a top-notch Aussie website about all things Cannabidiol. 

CBD oil works well in modulating the immune system and while it still lacks extensive research and clinical trials to prove just how it does it, there are more than enough anecdotes and an overflowing number of positive testimonials from people whose lives have forever been changed by medical cannabis. Specifically, CBD oil has been found to be effective against rheumatoid arthritis, ALS, Crohn’s and ulcerative colitis, multiple sclerosis, Huntington disease, and fibromyalgia. Patients experienced significant relief especially that the use of CBD oilreduced the inflammation, chronic pain, and spasms that most of these condition exhibit. This is the result of the suppression of CB2 receptors regulating several of the immune system’s complex pathways.

Moreover, we all know that inflammation is at the root of almost all the ailments and maladies we face since time immemorial. The same problem is at the core of autoimmunity. Systemic inflammation is greatly reduced with the use of medical CBD oil without subjecting the person to harmful side effects most prescription drugs are known for. This reaction has been noted in several animal studies. The growing interest in the medical benefits offered by CBD oil will take medical cannabis even further in the field of medicine as experts are finally noticing it and taking the time to study what it is, what it does, and what it has to offer for the betterment of human health.

CBD is the ideal answer to battling autoimmunity. Often, the best, most effective, and safest remedies come from nature. CBD oil has long since redeemed itself from the stigma it once suffered from in the past. CBD oil has made a name for itself as a medical wonder that is worth everybody’s time and attention. Along with a clean and healthy lifestyle, you’ll do just fine despite your autoimmune condition. Who knows, in the near future we’d finally be able to utilize CBD as a real cure itself when studies have been made that can tell us exactly how to harness its medicinal powers to the fullest.

[pitiless-achilles-wept]

Not "Just Hair": Exposure, Autonomy, and Vulnerability

Hello friends, In the past couple days it's become clear to me that I've hit a certain (unwelcome) cancer milestone: I'm losing my hair. Right now it's just shedding like crazy. (If I had a contest with my cat--who's losing his hair for summer right now--I would still totally win!) I don't know why, given that it's a primary side effect of this drug (90% of people lose their hair), but I'm somehow still surprised. I think I felt that, having been in in an improbable, tiny percentage on most other things related to this disease I might at least have the chance to be in the special 10% on something positive. Not so! Perhaps I'm also surprised, though, because my other symptoms haven't been very bad...so much so that (as I wrote about before) I'm in a constant anxiety spiral about whether something physical is a sign or symptom and, if so, whether it means the treatment is working or not. Hair falling out is unquestionably a sign that the chemo is doing something--that it's doing precisely what it's supposed to, in fact, and targeting fast-growing cells of all types. So, yes, in that sense I want to lose my hair. Right when I was first diagnosed I wanted them to hit me with everything all at once: chemo, surgery, radiation - I wanted to be assaulted by every weapon the medical profession had to wield against cancer and I didn't care what I looked like or how I suffered. I wanted to enter treatment as a warrior and I wanted to look like one, shaved head and all. Somehow, though, I lost that attitude. It's not that I don't want to fight, but that the stance of being a warrior all the time is exhausting. There's a lot that's less than ideal about using the language of conflict and battle (and implicitly of winning and losing) to talk about something that you don't have any control over. If this chemo agent doesn't kill enough cells (as my pessimistic side believes it won't) it won't be because I did or didn't do anything. If it does work, it's only my victory in the sense that it's good luck for me. My body isn't the warrior so much as a field on which battles are waged on a cellular level. And my mind has nothing to do with the success--or not--of these conflicts. Fundamentally, I have no control. And that's the hardest thing for me about losing my hair.  [More below including Buffy gifs!!]

The loss of bodily autonomy involved in having cancer is huge. Not only does it feel like it's something personal, since it's your own cells (sometimes directed by your own DNA) that have betrayed you, but it's also something you can't fix; you can't do anything to change the outcome of your treatment. You can change the treatment itself (different chemo agents, additional drugs, supplementary radiation), but you can't train for it the way you train for a marathon, where your own commitment to training can pretty much guarantee you steady progress and a positive result. You can supplement your own treatment with things (vitamins, injections, crystals, chocolate) that you believe may help. You can train yourself in healthy ways to respond emotionally. (I was already in therapy but everyone involved with cancer treatment should be.) You can go to the gym and keep your body "otherwise healthy"--a phrase that my doctors said to and about me repeatedly during the diagnosis phase and that I never stopped finding funny...being perfectly healthy EXCEPT for Stage 4 cancer is something of a cosmic joke. (I know that they meant that, unlike many of their patients, I could endure the treatments very well and with minimal complications. That IS a good thing. But still...) You cannot train for cancer treatment. It's a battle, but one you must enter alone, untrained, and unarmed. Fundamentally, you have only yourself. And that must be enough. (I don't mean to dismiss the wonderful community of friends and family here; you all give me the strength to fight this fight. You just can't go with me.) There's an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a show which I love and which has meant a lot to me at different times in my life, where Buffy must fight her vampire ex-boyfriend Angel (who SPOILERS used to be a good guy because he was cursed with a soul but he lost it because he experienced true happiness with her) who has been systematically finding the best ways to hurt her, psychologically, before killing her. In this final battle, he backs her against a wall, sword pointed at her and says, "So that's everything. No weapons. No friends. No hope. Take all that away and what's left?" to which she replies, while grabbing his sword midair with her bare hands, "Me.":

(Gif source: x)

If you want it, here's a clip on YouTube (this exchange is about a minute in). That moment has been my inspiration from the first moment of diagnosis. I had already used it to get through my divorce when I felt I had lost everything. I hadn't, though, because I was still me, with a core resilience and self-confidence and the righteous strength that enabled me to keep going, to thrive. It is grossly unfair that, less than a year later, I need to draw on that same energy again, but that is how battles work. We survive to fight another day. No weapons. No friends. No hope. Take all that away and what's left? Me. I know I've just employed the rhetoric of battle immediately after saying it's not ideal. It's not. I'm a peacetime creature, really, as are most of us. But I won't back down from a fight or sidestep necessary conflict either. And being a warrior is not the same as being embroiled in constant battle. Even Achilles put down his shield and wept in Priam's tent. In fact, all this content is on another blog whose title is "Pitiless Achilles Wept." You can read here about why I called it that, but here's the most important part that I wrote about the scene where Achilles and Priam cry together:

"They speak the universal language of human beings here: grief. They weep as fathers and sons and lovers because that’s honestly the only constant in our small human lives. So here I am, recording my grief, with the hope that at least, by being together, we can get through the evil I have to endure. I actually thought that the blog title was a quotation–and a beautiful line of poetry��but nowhere can I find a translation that reads, 'Pitiless Achilles wept.' But I still cannot think of a line that feels more appropriate to record the thoughts of someone who has to be both a warrior (brave, fierce, pitiless) and a frightened, vulnerable person."

Tonight I am that frightened and vulnerable person, furious that (without my permission) my body is shedding the hair that I have always loved and scared at how it will change my experience of being in the world. When I got my hair cut two weeks ago it showed no signs of giving up the ghost. My stylist tugged on it and pronounced that "you have really strong hair!" and I allowed myself to think that, somehow, that would protect me. Ah yes, I thought, my hair is strong like all the rest of me; it will endure.

Losing it therefore feels symbolic on a number of levels. I know that it doesn't make me weak, but it does make me vulnerable. How can I be so exposed, without any hair to duck under when I feel anxious? How will I get through the day without being able to run my hands through my hair (a nervous tic that is a self-soothing gesture...and currently hastening my hair loss)? How will I cope with being no longer regarded as immediately aesthetically pleasing (from my privileged position as someone who ticks many of the stereotypical boxes for attractiveness) by people who don't know me? (I did not realize how much I relied on this to navigate the world but it has certainly been made visible to me now. Perhaps this warrants another post later.)

Losing my hair is a good sign. We all want chemo to be as effective as possible so the more fast-growing cells we see being targeted the better. But as it marks me, visibly, as "sick" it robs me of the opportunity to choose whether to tell people or not--yet another loss of autonomy. I do have a wig that looks as much as possible like my regular hair. (I don't love everything about it but unless you have one custom-made you're not likely to find anything that looks precisely like you do.) This should enable me to pass as healthy, barring other obvious symptoms. But I imagine I might be the kind of person who would rather go bald (or at least with a 1930s Norma Desmond head wrap) as a way of owning my illness, taking back some of what it has stolen. I might rather this say, "Yes, this illness is a part of me now--even if it's not pretty. That's what a warrior looks like." No weapons. No friends. No...hair. Take all that away and what's left?

[apesrenee]

A couple of weeks ago, I raised the question “what are some things you battle with in your personal life?” Well. The floodgates opened and I was completely taken back by the amount of responses I received. I’ve spent each day, since that post, just wracking my brain about so many things. How did i get so blessed to have so many people be completely raw with me? Did I carefully and clearly express my support for those struggles that are still, and may always be, unknown to me? Did I open up enough in return, or give the responders some sense of relief in any way? There’s no way for me to know everyone’s feelings, but what i do know is that most of you moved me to tears and some of you had me slamming my hands down on the table and belting out an “AMEN!” to the struggles that resonated with me. Well, that’s at least how my responses felt like they were being communicated even if they were only typed out, but f*ck. Everyone who reached out sincerely tugged at every last heart string of mine and in the best possible way. And you most definitely helped me to muster up the courage to accept my own struggles. The same ones I was coping with 2 years ago.

I’ve always considered myself an “open book.” Boundaries, when it comes to topics of conversation, are practically unknown to me. I will say, however, that I do avoid expressing my biggest struggle because I’m afraid to hurt, or “insult,” the ones who are actually....plot twist....hurting me. Go ahead, tell me “that’s because you’re a Cancer.” Us Cancer babies may be emotional, and dramatic, and sensitive, and overthink....I don’t deny that about myself even for a second.....but I know I am loyal. And honest, (except when it comes to being “confrontational.”) I’m considerate. And forgiving, TOO forgiving. And here’s the kicker; judge me if you must, but the real of the real is that I am undeniably desperate for attention from the people I love. All of this has led me to come to terms with the fact that my number 1 struggle is that I often find myself prioritizing relationships with people who are, what I refer to as, “Takers.”

“Takers” can be anything from someone who always expects you to drive anytime you go somewhere together...or the person who mostly calls you to see what you’re doing because they heard you were headed in the direction they want to go. They could be someone who always does the “do you mind picking this up for me on your way?” but never send that “hey, do need something? I’m stopping at....” text. They could be the person you always chat with about hanging out and anytime they initiate plans or ask you to come over, you always go....yet they’re quick to hit you with a “I don’t feel like it” every time you ask them to do something, or when you suggest they come to you. They accept your offer to help them financially, but don’t make it a priority to pay you back what’s actually owed. They could be someone who reaches out to you when they’re in a panic, or something is wrong, and they “need your advice,” but they constantly leave you on read when the roles are reversed. They might be people who blatantly ignore your texts but then send a text directly under yours about something happening in their life. It could be to tell a story, to vent, or whatever it is, but they make it clear as day that their text is to be acknowledged whereas your text isn’t important enough.

These are all things that have made an appearance in several of my relationships. Sadly, it’s been that way for just about my entire life. I’ve let people place blame on me during the times when they weren’t strong enough to admit their wrongs, because i felt like they needed someone to be strong for them. I’ve put myself in dangerous situations and risked my life for the sake of keeping an eye on someone else and making sure that nothing detrimental happened to them. I felt the need to be their protector without ever considering if what i was doing was good for my mental health or jeopardizing my own life. I’m the person who texts back within minutes (almost always)- and usually within seconds if the initiating text is asking for help, advise, for a favor, whatever....yet I’m typically the person who contributes to a group text and magically an entire thread goes silent. It’s all of these things that make me wonder “what the f*ck am I doing?” I find me asking myself “why do people that I constantly make a priority treat me like I’m disposable?” Real talk, I’ve watched friends of mine treat acquaintances better than they’ve ever treated me and I just kind of have to scratch my head. Do I bring this upon myself? Do I make things “too easy” for people? Am I “too available?” Am I “not cool enough?” Then reality hits and I’m like “ Wake up b*tch. Get yourself together. You’re in your mid 30’s. Being a decent human and treating your relationships fairly and with equal respect is what’s actually really f’ing cool.”

With that said- this past year, even more than ever before, I started paying closer attention to the moments that brought upon these really kind of dehumanizing questions. The situations that brought on my negative feelings in varying relationships and I actively started taking my own advice and started “putting my foot down.” Believe it or not, every person I attempted to set a boundary with...denied it. Forced me into something I was firm on not doing for them, told me I was out of line for speaking up, huffed and puffed when I suggested that they (for once) took the role I always take on of being accommodating. And I’ve learned that these “Takers” are incredibly quick to cut off a relationship or give the silent treatment to the “giver” the second they are confronted. Furthermore, testing these people...or not responding to texts from those who ignore 95% of mine...really didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, it really did make me feel worse. Not because i was being disappointed by them, but mostly because the thought of preventing myself from doing what feels natural and forcing myself to “care less” just isn’t me. It never has been.

Though i do know some of you can relate, I also know that some of you may be reading this right now and wondering what in God’s name would make any person put their relationships with “takers” first, why we’d keep bending and bending and bending only to be dismissed time and time again. The simple answer to that is “that’s just what friends do.” I know, we can have the “that’s not being a friend” pep talk later, but in the meantime- what other reason is there? And how do we move forward?

I actually don’t have any other explanation, but i do know that we simply need to let it go. Let’s drop that Frozen beat and sing it with me “let it go, LET IT GO!” Seriously though, if someone decides to close the chapter on you because you finally built up the nerve to say “hey, you’re not being a supportive friend/partner/sibling/parent/boss and I don’t like the way you dismiss me,” well....so be it. I used to wonder why I wasn’t strong enough to pull the plug where the plug needed pulling, but the truth of the matter is that it’s kind of irrelevant. It really doesn’t matter. This isn’t about me not having the strength to stand up for myself, because I am doing that very thing right now. This is about someone else not having the strength to reflect on their inability to bring anything to the table in a relation/partnership.

Of course, I’m not perfect. I’m human and I’m certain I’ve let people down- but I think it’s important to recognize how *often* you notice yourself being the friend that isn’t fulfilling your role in a relationship.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone over drinks and we got deep into our conversation. Maybe a little too deep, but this person said something along the lines of “I have a friend who is a lot like you.” They explained that while they did find themselves wondering how they could make this friend feel more special, or valued, this “friend” had recently called them out the last time he had reached out to them about getting drinks. This friend basically asked “what do you need now?” and it took that moment for the person I was chatting with to realize they were only reaching out to their friend when they needed something. But that has to count for something, right? It’s not just about taking inventory of your own life and the impact the people you allow in it to have over you, but maybe part of this inventory is reflecting on how are we impacting others. ***Are we fulfilling our responsibilities as a friend?*** Are we meeting our friends in the middle and giving what we don’t hesitate to take?

I challenge you to ask yourself those questions and start a new day with the intent to just try a little harder. In the wise words of a dear friend: What’s the best that could happen?

[meditativeyoga]

Discover the Peaceful Practice of Yoga Nidra

One cool evening in a high-ceilinged eating hall in Novato, The golden state, an unlikely yoga exercise course is obtaining under means. Fourteen guys wearing blue denims, job boots, or running footwears roll out yoga exercise floor coverings and also obtain settled on resting bags, blankets, as well as pillows-- in prep work for Yoga Nidra.

The instructor, Kelly Boys, grins as she surveys her students, residents at Henry Ohlhoff North, a material abuse recovery. She asks if anyone intends to review their experiences in the previous week's session. A trim 52-year-old named Charles volunteers that he deals with feelings of loneliness.

Around the area, faces loosen up, jaws soften, as well as soon snores begin to roll as the guys go down further right into relaxation.

' How does your body really feel when it strikes you?' Boys asks. 'Stressful,' Charles says. 'And where do you really feel the tension?' she asks. 'In my shoulders,' he says.

' Just ask it, 'Exactly what do you need? What do you want?" Boys states. 'We're simply bringing inquisitiveness to it. When you truly satisfy it, it does slope.' Charles responds, completely satisfied for now.

As the men settle right into kicked back placements, Boys starts to speak them via a detailed trip of their own bodies on this day as well as currently-- the initial step in the method of yoga nidra. Slowly the room quiets, till the only sounds are the hum of the ventilation system as well as Young boys' voice: 'Can you feel the inside of your mouth? Currently bring your attention to your left ear. Really feel the in of your left ear. Feel your right ear. Can you feel both ears simultaneously?' Around the room, deals with unwind, jaws soften, as well as soon snores begin to rumble as the men drop deeper into relaxation.

The Benefits of Yoga Nidra

Yoga nidra is an ancient however obscure yogic method that's ending up being increasingly popular as both a kind of meditation and a mind-body therapy. It is a systematic type of led leisure that typically is done for 35 to 40 mins at a time.

Practitioners say that it typically brings immediate physical advantages, such as lowered anxiety and also much better rest, and also that it has the possible to heal emotional wounds. As a meditation method, it could engender a profound feeling of delight as well as well-being.

' In yoga nidra, we recover our body, detects, and mind to their all-natural function and also awaken a 7th sense that permits us to really feel no splitting up, that only sees wholeness, harmony, and wellness,' states Richard Miller, a San Francisco Bay Area yoga teacher and professional psycho therapist who is at the center of the activity to educate yoga exercise nidra and to bring it to a broader audience.

While several popular instructors offer classes, CDs, and also publications on yoga nidra, Miller is accountable for bringing the practice to an impressive variety of ultramodern setups. He's aided present it on military bases and in professionals' clinics, homeless shelters, Montessori institutions, Head Beginning programs, medical facilities, hospices, chemical reliance facilities, as well as prisons. Exactly what's more, thanks to Miller, it's beginning to get significant scientific focus. Researchers are taking a look at the practice's potential to aid soldiers experiencing trauma, addicts struggling to obtain tidy, individuals with depression, cancer, as well as MS, health treatment employees, and also married pairs managing anxiety and insomnia.

More than 40 years ago, in 1970, Miller attended his very first yoga exercise class at the Essential Yoga exercise Institute in San Francisco. 'At the end of that course, they taught a customized yoga nidra-- deep Savasana,' he says. 'I had one of the most profound experience, there was this sense of my inter-relatedness with the whole world. As well as a vow occurred in me to actually investigate this practice.'

Over years of researching and teaching yoga nidra, Miller has actually developed his own strategy, discovering ways to make the technique accessible to a wide series of individuals, also those with little or no education in yoga exercise. In 2005, he released a publication, Yoga Nidra: An Introspective Technique for Deep Relaxation as well as Recovery, as well as he's released several audio guides. He currently leads the not-for-profit Integrative Reconstruction Institute, an organization committed to the research study, teaching, and also technique of yoga nidra and yoga philosophy.

' Lots of people are attempting to change themselves,' Miller claims. 'Yoga nidra inquires to welcome themselves. That moment of real inviting is where the extensive change takes place.'

You Do not Have to Do Yoga exercise or Practice meditation to Do Yoga exercise Nidra

It's a stealthily simple technique. Since yoga nidra is usually showed relaxing-- at first assisted by an educator-- it's interesting individuals that might feel frightened by yoga postures or conventional seated meditation. A short version of yoga nidra could be introduced and also practiced in much less than 10 minutes. Yet its various aspects, taken with each other as well as practiced frequently, make up an advanced set of mind-body tools that can aid professionals navigate some of life's harshest minutes. Yoga exercise nidra could likewise be practiced as an accessible kind of meditation for those seeking everyday well-being.

In a regular yoga exercise nidra session, an instructor guides experts with a number of stages. You start by developing an objective for your life as well as for the practice. You find out to concentrate your understanding on your breath, physical feelings, feelings, and also thoughts. Throughout, you are motivated to touch right into an underlying sense of tranquility that is constantly present and to cultivate 'witness awareness,' observing and welcoming whatever exists without getting captured up in it.

' Yoga exercise nidra allows us to get to one of the most extensive level of relaxation feasible,' claims Pole Stryker, the creator of Para-Yoga, who has actually been educating yoga exercise nidra because the mid-1990s and who composes about it in his publication, The Four Desires. 'It opens an entrance to a location where we could see ourselves and our lives in the most favorable light.'

Unlike various other kinds of reflection, in which you concentrate on a concept or on your breath, yoga nidra asks you simply to allow go. 'The technique requires us to involve the muscle mass of abandonment,' Stryker says.

Yoga Nidra for Remedy for PTSD

The course to bringing yoga nidra to the focus of a wider audience led, oddly enough, via the Walter Reed Military Medical Center, a military treatment center based, at the time, in Washington, DC. In 2004, Christine Goertz, a scholastic scientist at the Samueli Institute, a not-for-profit research study institute, teamed up with Robin Carnes, a yoga exercise teacher that had actually instructed yoga nidra as component of a cardiac care program at Walter Reed. Carnes had actually found out yoga exercise nidra from Stryker as well as from Miller's publication. She as well as Goertz made use of Miller's technique as the basis for a pilot research study examining whether the technique could help soldiers struggling with posttraumatic stress condition (PTSD). The results of that first small research, conducted with active-duty solution members, recommended that yoga exercise nidra might be valuable for handling PTSD in experts. (Along the road, somebody at Walter Reed suggested renaming the practice to something extra available, as well as Miller created 'iRest,' brief for 'Integrative Remediation.') As a follow-up, a randomized, regulated test entailing 150 participants was conducted over 18 months at the Veterans Affairs (VA) facility in Miami from 2009 to 2010. And also one more study is starting this winter season at the Captain James A. Lovell Federal Healthcare Facility in Chicago.

On the basis of the pilot research study results, the military is currently offering Miller's iRest yoga nidra practice to wounded warriors at Walter Reed, Brooke Military Medical Center in San Antonio, Texas, Camp Lejeune, a big Marine Corps base in North Carolina, and VA centers in Miami, Chicago, and Washington, DC. In these recurring classes, soldiers have actually reported that a few of their most unpleasant PTSD signs and symptoms, consisting of hyperalertness, anxiety, and rest disruptions, have diminished.

Tools like yoga exercise nidra could be crucial sources for soldiers changing to life after battle, says Mona Bingham, a retired colonel who's investigating the practice at Brooke Military Medical Center. 'A great deal of soldiers are returning [from fight] with physical, mental, and ethical wounds,' she says. 'It's not something we could simply provide a medicine for.' She's examining iRest's result on army couples handling the tension that frequently arises after an implementation ends.

Yoga nidra literally means 'yogic rest,' however that is a little bit of a misnomer. It's not a special sort of rest, however a state in between sleeping and also waking.

Cheryl LeClair shows the iRest practice to marines with PTSD and terrible brain injuries at Camp Lejeune. 'Most of the men do not sleep,' she states. 'Some have actually informed me they take 2 Ambien a night, and also they still can not sleep. Many of them drop rest in the extremely first iRest session. To see them kick back as well as release is simply incredible.'

Like the marines in LeClair's classes, new specialists typically falling asleep during their initial couple of yoga nidra sessions. That's not unexpected, claims Stryker, because nowadays several individuals are rest deprived. Yoga nidra literally means 'yogic rest,' however that is a little bit of a misnomer. It's not a special sort of sleep, however a state in between sleeping and also waking. With more experience, Stryker claims, professionals can experience deep rest while preserving just what he calls 'just a trace of recognition.'

For LeClair, whose partner returned from Iraq in 2003 with a mind injury, PTSD, as well as a smashed vertebra in his neck, yoga exercise nidra has actually ended up being a vital part of obtaining with exactly what are often extremely trying days. (She handles the family members finances as well as much of the duty for raising a nine-year-old grandson.) She first experienced the practice at a weekend workshop. 'After I awakened, I said, 'Whatever that is, I want a lot more,'' she says. Now, when she gets overloaded, she remembers the lessons of yoga exercise nidra: 'If you can tip back and also witness the ideas without response, it gives you some space. You learn how to have equanimity.'

Yoga Nidra Aids Emotional Healing

The roots of yoga nidra are believed to go back countless years. When Miller adapted the trainings to earn them more obtainable to Westerners, he intended to address emotional health. 'The Eastern yoga exercise principles took it for given that you went to a particular state of wellness and also wellness,' he claims. 'Just what I saw was that this was not true of a lot of students. So I included the component of the Inner Source.'

Early on in Miller's yoga exercise nidra instruction, as you begin to kick back, you are asked to invoke up your very own personal Inner Source, a vision of and also really feeling concerning a place where you really feel secure and protected. If intense feelings surface throughout yoga exercise nidra-- or, for that issue, at any moment-- you can return to your Inner Source to take a break.

Charles, one of the males at Henry Ohlhoff North, relies on the technique frequently. A previous exec cook, he retired after a back injury left him in consistent discomfort. He ended up being addicted to alcohol and also medicines as well as, after three apprehensions on drug charges, chose rehab rather than jail.

Yoga nidra has assisted him locate his back to a part of himself unblemished by dependency as well as persistent pain. His Inner Source is the bakeshop his parents ran. 'I go back to my youth,' he says, 'doing chores in my parents' bakeshop. I think of my papa and also how good it really felt to have his arms around me.'

Earlier this year, when Charles was approved his initial overnight pass 2 months into his six-month rehabilitation remain, a close friend amazed him with a birthday celebration that consisted of alcohol. Charles began to panic.

' I headed out to my cars and truck, put my head back on the headrest, and also went into [the practice],' he claims. 'My breathing boiled down, and I can concentrate better.' After concerning half a hr, he opted to leave the celebration and also go back to the rehab center.

Early research sustains the suggestion that yoga nidra can assist people like Charles who remain in recovery from dependency. In a study of 93 people at a chemical reliance therapy center, Leslie Temme, a teacher in the social work division of Western Carolina University, found that participants who practiced yoga nidra had less adverse moods as well as a reduced risk of falling back into drug abuse. With its focus on self-awareness, yoga nidra appears in order to help recovering addicts really feel much more comfy in their own skin, cope better with hard emotions, as well as make far better choices, Temme states. What's more, she adds, 'The customers liked it. They were aligning at the door to obtain to it.'

Discover Your Connection to All Living Things

If you've ever before attempted to sit in meditation for HALF AN HOUR, you understand that you don't need to be recouping from trauma to be unpleasant in your very own mind. As a reflection method, yoga exercise nidra offers a mild approach, starting with body awareness, after that working compassionately with thoughts and emotions as they occur, and slowly leading the meditator to access a better area of recognition. Actually, in several of the earliest written referrals to the term yoga exercise nidra, it is identified with samadhi, or union, the supreme goal of the eightfold path.

This aspect of yoga exercise nidra is perhaps one of the most tough to take into words, however, for Miller, it's the core of the method. Discovering to observe and invite all the feelings, feelings, as well as thoughts that develop in deep remainder could lead an individual to become less identified with the specific self-- just what Miller calls the 'I-thought.' Through this experience, he says, it's feasible to lose the feeling that one is different from others and also to tap into an unsinkable feeling of interconnectedness to all of life.

And when that happens, Miller claims, 'There's a deep swimming pool of wellness. It's just what I discovered because first yoga exercise nidra session in 1970. That's exactly what I attempt to share.'

[pope-francis-quotes]

21st February >> (@ZenitEnglish By Jim Fair) #PopeFrancis #Pope Francis ~ Victims Share Their Stories with Abuse Summit Participants. Pain and Desire for the Church to Act.

It isn’t only senior clerics and experts who are speaking to the bishops gathered for the Summit on “The Protection of Minors in the Church” in Rome from February 21-24. They also heard from victims, including five video testimonies of real cases of those who suffered.

The Vatican on February 21, 2019, provided transcripts of five video testimonies. They are both heartbreaking and hopeful, and sometimes raw in their descriptions of events. They speak of continuing pain and a desire for the Church to act.

First Testimony

First of all, I want to thank the Commission for allowing me to address you today and the Holy Father for all the support and help he has given us in recent times. They asked me to talk about the pain that comes from sexual abuse. Everyone knows that sexual abuse leaves tremendous consequences for everyone. I, therefore, believe that it is not worthwhile to continue to talk about this because the consequences are evident, in all aspects, and remains for the whole of life. Instead, I would like to speak about myself as a Catholic, of what happened to me and of what I would like to say to the bishops. For a Catholic, the most difficult thing is to be able to speak about sexual abuse; but once you have taken courage and start telling – in our case, I speak of myself – the first thing I thought was: I’m going to tell everything to Holy Mother Church, where they will listen to me and respect me. The first thing they did was to treat me as a liar, turn their backs and tell me that I, and others, were enemies of the Church. This pattern exists not only in Chile: it exists all over the world, and this must end. I know that you are there talking as to how to end this phenomenon, how to prevent it from happening again, and how to remedy all this evil. First of all: false forgiveness, forced forgiveness does not work. Victims need to be believed, respected, cared for and healed. You need to repair what has been done to the victims, be close to them, believe them and accompany them. You are the physicians of the soul and yet, with rare exceptions, you have been transformed – in some cases – into murderers of the soul, into murderers of the faith. What a terrible contradiction. I wonder: but what does Jesus think. What does Mary think, when she sees that it is her own shepherds who betray their own little sheep? I ask you, please collaborate with justice, because you have a special care for the victims, so that what is happening in Chile, that is, what the Pope is doing in Chile, be repeated as a model in other countries of the world. We see the tip of the iceberg every day: although the Church says it’s all over, cases continue to emerge: why? Because it proceeds like when you are diagnosed with a tumor: you must treat the whole cancer, not just remove the tumor; so you need chemotherapy, radiotherapy, you need to have some treatment. It is not enough to remove the tumor and that’s it. I ask you to listen to what the Holy Father wants to do, not limiting yourself with a nod of ascent made with your head and then do something else. The only thing I ask of you – and I ask the Holy Spirit – to help restore that trust in the Church – that those who do not want to listen to the Holy Spirit and who want to continue to cover-up, leave the Church to give way to those who want to create a new Church, a renewed Church and a Church absolutely free from sexual abuse. I entrust all this to the Virgin, to the Lord, so that all this becomes a reality. We cannot continue with this crime to cover the scourge of sexual abuse in the Church. I hope that the Lord and Mary will enlighten you and that, once and for all, we work with justice to remove this cancer from the Church, because it is destroying it. And this is what the devil wants. Thank you.

Second Testimony

– What hurt you most in life?

– From the age of 15, I had sexual relations with a priest. This lasted for 13 years. I got pregnant three times and he made me have an abortion three times, quite simply because he did not want to use condoms or contraceptives. At first, I trusted him so much that I did not know he could abuse me. I was afraid of him, and every time I refused to have sex with him, he would beat me. And since I was completely dependent on him economically, I suffered all the humiliations he inflicted on me. We had these relationships both in his home, in the village and in the diocesan reception center. In this relationship I did not have the right to have “boyfriends”; whenever I had one and he came to know about it, he would beat me up. That was the condition for helping me economically. He gave me everything I wanted when I accepted to have sex; otherwise, he would beat me.

– How did you deal with all these wounds and how do you feel now

– I feel I have a life destroyed. I have suffered so many humiliations in this relationship that I do not know what the future holds for me … This made me very cautious in my relationships, now.

– What message do you want to pass to the bishops?

– It must be said that to love, essentially is to love freely: when a person loves someone you think of their future, of their good. You cannot abuse a person this way. It must be said that priests and religious have a way of helping and at the same time also destroying: they have to behave like leaders, wise people.

– Thank you very much. Your contribution will be very significant for the Bishops’ Meeting. Thanks again.

Third testimony

– I am 53 years old, I am a religious priest. This year is the 25th of my ordination. I am grateful to God. What hurt me? An encounter with a priest hurt me. As a teenager, after my conversion, I went to the priest so he could teach me how to read Scriptures during Mass; and he touched my private parts. I spent a night in his bed. This hurt me deeply. The other thing that hurt me was the bishop to whom, after many years, as an adult, I talked about the incident. I went to him together with my provincial. First, I wrote a letter to the bishop, six months later, I had a meeting with the priest. The bishop did not answer me, and after six months, I wrote to the nuncio. The nuncio reacted showing understanding. Then I met the bishop and he attacked me without trying to understand me, and this hurt me. On the one hand the priest, and on the other, this bishop who… What did I feel? I feel bad because neither that priest, nor the bishop answered my letter, and it’s been 8 years and he has not even answered. What would I like to say to the bishops? That they listen to these people; that they learn to listen to the people who speak. I wanted someone to listen to me, to know who that man is, that priest and what he does. I forgive that priest from the heart and the bishop. I thank God for the Church, I am grateful to be in the Church. I have many priest friends who have helped me.

Fourth testimony

Hello

I appreciate this outreach to survivors of clergy sexual abuse and I am happy to participate in this project.

What has wounded me the most? As I reflect on that question I think back to the total… to the full realization of the total loss of the innocence of my youth and how that has affected me today.

There’s still pain in my family relationships. There’s still pain with my siblings. I still carry pain. My parents still carry pain at the dysfunction, the betrayal, the manipulation that this bad man, who was our Catholic priest at the time, wrought upon my family and myself.

So that’s what has wounded me the most and what I carry with me today. I am doing well now because I have found hope and healing by telling my story, by sharing my story with my family, my wife and my children – my extended family – my friends, and because I can do that, I feel more comfortable with myself and how I can be myself.

And finally what I want to tell the bishops – I think that’s an excellent question: I would ask the bishops for leadership. Leadership and vision and courage. That’s what I respond to, that’s what I hope to see. I have a personal experience of leadership, and how it has affected me personally. One of my finest memories of Francis Cardinal George is when he spoke about the difficulties of fellow priests who have abused, and I considered those words, coming from a man in his position, even though they must be really hard for him to say, they were the right and proper thing to say. I thought that was leadership at the time, and I think it’s leadership now. And I thought if he could put himself out there, and lead by example, then I could put myself out there and I think other survivors and other Catholics and faithful people can put themselves out there, to work for resolution, and work for healing, and work for a better Church. So we respond to leadership, we look to our bishops for leadership, I would ask the bishops to show leadership.

Thank you.

Fifth Testimony

I have been sexually molested for a long time, over a hundred times, and this sexual molestation has created traumas and flashbacks all across my life. It’s difficult to live life, it’s difficult to be with people, to get connected with people. I carried an attitude for my family, for my friends and even for God. Every time I have spoken to the Provincials and to the Major Superiors, they have all practically covered every issue, covered the perpetrators and that kills me sometimes. It’s been a long time that I have been fighting this battle… and most of the Superiors either because of the friendship are unable to build a catch. I’ll request the Provincials as well as the Major Superiors and the Bishops sitting in this audience to make strong acts which really put the perpetrator into place. If we want to save the Church, I think the perpetrators need to be given… I’ll request the Bishops to get their act clear because this is one of the time bombs happening in the Church of Asia. If we want to save the Church, we need to put our act together and get the perpetrators to book. We should not have friendship over here but it is the act because this act will destroy our whole generations of children. As Jesus always said, we need to be child-like not to be child sexual molestators.

21st FEBRUARY 21, 2019 21:55SEXUAL ABUSE AND PROTECTION OF MINORS

[furryarbiterangel]

October Post 15

The fairies often came to the edge of the woods. They couldn’t enter the town limits, although no one knew why, but they were fully capable of blocking the only road in or out. Calling out softly they tempted those who were forced to travel through their territory. Those who dared to leave often vanished, never to be seen again. Newcomers who didn’t know the rules either learned very quickly or attempted to return home only to be caught in the tempting snare of the fairies’ sweet promises.

The rules were very simple. Don’t stop moving. Pretend you don’t see or hear them. Never turn around. Don’t linger. And most of all, whatever you do, Do Not Answer Them.

Close the doors and blinds at night. Lock all the windows. Never go outside after dark, no matter what you might hear. Even if the voices calling out to you were in fact the people that they sounded like, it meant it was too late for them. To open your door after dark was to seal your own fate.

Everyone knew that the fairies played dirty but it was a special kind of pain to hear the voices of lost loved ones just outside your door, knocking and pleading to come in. They could mimic the dead perfectly. Or perhaps it really was the lost soul begging to come home only to be forced to drag their loved ones into the dark with them.

If you were forced to travel beyond the town limits, you put your head down and walked as quickly as possible. Sometimes you would be lucky. Sometimes the fairies would grow bored of their games and disappear. No one knew where. But other times, there they would be, skin translucent, wings glittering softly, smiling ever so sweetly at you. They always knew your name, even if you were new in town, and they could peer into your heart and grasp your darkest desires. “Come with us. We can give you everything. Your mother waits for you back in our home. Your son is alive and happy. We can give you your freedom.”

One day, as you walk as fast as you can -without running- for running drew their attention, along the path back into the town. Cars wouldn’t start in town. You were forced to park your car in the next town over and walk the path back to Glennsdale. You never would have left at all but recently you had been throwing up blood and had been forced to leave to visit a specialist.

You were told that you had cancer.

You had about two years left to live.

You wonder what you will tell your father. Your mother vanished, victim to the fairies when you were a small child and you were all that your father had left. He was aging now and often spoke longingly of you getting married and starting a family before his death.

You see the fairy lingering in the trees before you hear it. It calls out your name softly, vanishing from the behind the tree to appear farther down the path. Keeping your eyes directly on the ground in front of you, you keep walking. Yet you can still see it out of the corner of your eye, glittering in the late day sunlight.

Thoughts are racing in your head, torn between fear, worry, and your own impending death, you aren’t paying enough attention to the fairy and run straight into it. You stumble to a stop and in that moment that fairy grabs your shoulder.

“I’ve been waiting for you.”

You quickly sidestep but it’s too late.

The fairy matches your movement. “Aren’t you going to ask why?”

You keep your head down and try to move around it again.

The sudden brush of a finger against your chin surprises you into looking up. You meet the fairy’s eyes. They shimmer, the color changing so quickly that they’re impossible to describe. You try frantically to look away. The fairy smiles at you and you’re caught in the glamour. You feel yourself relax even as you try to mentally break free.

“Don’t you want to know why I’m here?”

You will not give the fairy the power of your voice. Yet you dare not to anger it by continuing to ignore it. Determined that there’s still a chance you may escape you shake your head.

It seems satisfied with this for now as it’s smile widens, you notice that its’ teeth taper to a point. “I’ve been watching you for a while now. I know how sick you are.”

You fight down your surprise, forcing your expression to stay blank. You thought that their power ended at the town’s limits. How did it know?

“Ah, you’re wondering how I know. I could smell it on you. I would guess that you have… maybe two years left to live? And they will be painful years. Filled with treatments that will only make you sicker. Treatments that will only leave you weaker. You won’t be able to work. Forced to sit around the house, unable to even leave your bed. You will wither away to nothing. Having accomplished nothing, leaving no one left behind you to take care of your father, no one to remember you when he’s gone.”

Its’ words strike the very thoughts you were lost in when you ran into it. Suddenly cold despite the bright sunlight you shiver.

“Your body is betraying you. Destroying itself from the inside out. You can’t see it yet but soon it will start to show as you lose weight and your hair thins. Bags will develop under your eyes and never vanish no matter how much sleep you get. But it doesn’t have to be that way.”

You still can’t look away from its’ eyes. Hypnotized by its’ unearthly beauty, it takes a few moments for the fairy’s words to sink in fully.

Your mouth opens and you stop yourself from responding just in time.

The fairy nods. “We can cure you. We can save you. You will live a long and prosperous life. Success beyond your imagining. Your book will be published and turned in to a movie. Children everywhere will know your name as their hero. You will meet the love of your life. You will grow old and raise your children and grandchildren together. Your father will die well taken care of and provided for, wanting for nothing. And when the times comes, years from now, all you have to do is give me your promise that you will come with me.”

Temptation. Desire. All of your dreams come true in a single beautiful lie.

“You will see your mother again.”

“What?” The word slips out. Your hands fly to your mouth but it’s too late.

The fairy is grinning now and you notice that the woods around you seem different. Darker. Wilder. Older.

“That’s right. Come with me and see your mother. Live your life to the fullest. Long and happy and all I need is one little thing.”

You shake your head fervently.

“Don’t you want to live?” It wheedles.

You shake your head again but falter. You do want to live. You don’t want to waste away to nothing, eaten by cancer, spending your days fighting a battle you’re destined to lose. The fairy’s vivid description burned into your mind, you slowly nod.

“Say it.” It commands.

“I want to live.”

The woods are definitely darker now and you somehow know you’re no longer on the path outside of town. You’re being transported someplace… else.

You know it’s already too late. The fairy already has a hold of you. It’s just a matter of whether you going willingly.

“I want to live.” You repeat.

“Excellent. I knew you would see it our way. All I need from you… is for you to say your name.”

Inspired by @write-it-motherfuckers

[mrsronan]

Last Thursday (March 7) I got to speak to a large Women’s Bible Study in San Francisco. I attended the study for three years and have quite a few friends still involved. Here’s what I said. (Health update and other details below the speech.) Also, it won't hurt my feelings at all if you skip the speech and just read the health update. :)

_________________________________________

I’m thankful I get to be here with you ladies this morning. You are always such a blessing. Malene and Karen invited me to give an update on how I’m doing. Most of you know me, but let me introduce myself to those of you I’m not yet acquainted with. My husband and I grew up in Cincinnati Ohio, I’ve served as a missionary to Haiti and spent two years teaching in China. My husband and I believed God called us to San Francisco so we moved here four months after we got married in 2006. When we got here everything that could go wrong went wrong, including losing our housing on the same day I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. That surprise pregnancy led me to seek help at Alpha Pregnancy Center, the pregnancy ended in miscarriage but I never forgot that Alpha was ready to walk with me and find solutions to all of my concerns. Later I went back to Alpha, but as a staff member and I eventually became the director. I spent almost a decade running that ministry until I was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and had to resign.  I’ve been going through chemo and radiation treatments since July 2016.  

Before I give you an update on my health I want to tell you a story that will explain my perspective on this challenge.*  

The day I arrived at my new home in Haiti where I would live for a year, I walked into a house that had been robbed. Everything was gone- furniture, curtains, dishes, everything except the kitchen sink. I had met my roommate for the year one day earlier, Shelley lived in the house the year before and knew our neighbors well. She assured me that since we were back and our neighbors loved her, the house would now be safe and nothing more would be stolen. I didn’t believe her. We had just a couple hours to drop our things off before needing to leave for a meeting at the school where we’d be teaching. On my way out the door for the meeting, I silently prayed, “Lord, if our house gets robbed tonight, please don’t let them take my radio, my guitar, or the vase from Morocco Kellie gave me.”

When we got home that night, our house had been ravished. Clothes were strewn everywhere, Shelley’s nice camera— gone. The sheets off our other roommate’s bed— gone. I made it to my room in the back of the house and did a quick scan of my bedroom: my radio was there, check; my guitar was there, check; my vase— gone! What!? Didn’t God hear my prayer? Why would the thieves want my vase anyway? It was just a small memento that wouldn’t mean anything to anyone but me. My heart sank. I felt robbed. But just as quickly as my heart sank, the Holy Spirit began to speak: “Chastidy, I didn’t bring you here this year to look at that vase. I am the same whether or not that vase is on top of your dresser. I haven’t changed and I am worthy of your praise with or without that vase.” My heart responded, “Oh, check. Yes, Lord, I trust you. I’ll praise you. Thanks for being the same and being good no matter what I’ve lost.” A moment later, a fellow teacher who had come to help walked in the door and said, “I found this on the street, does this belong to you?” and held up my vase.

That small momentary loss and the Holy Spirit speaking to my heart taught me how to get through larger losses that aren’t temporary. When my mom was murdered, when I had multiple miscarriages, when my marriage has been difficult, and many other times of loss I’ve gone back to that moment and remembered God is the same no matter what I might be losing. 

To be honest, the months since November have been filled with loss.  

My grandfather died because of lung cancer. 

Five of my other friends have died as well (three cancer related deaths).

My landlord promised me a bigger apartment and even gave me the keys then changed her mind and took the keys back. 

The clinical trial I’ve been on has stopped shrinking my tumors. (More on this below) 

But amidst these tragedies there have been some triumphs. 

I was given the Gianna Molla award and spoke to 50,000 people. 

My daughter turned 3 and sweetly told me I set up her party so nice and perfect. 

I turned 40 even though some medical professionals never thought I’d live this long. My husband, family, and friends threw me two surprise birthday parties. 

So I find myself responding to all of this in a few ways

Crying out to God in mourning and in thanksgiving. 

Praying for others as well as myself. 

Singing Amazing Grace and really meaning every word of all 7 verses.

Returning to scripture and asking God to keep His word as the foundation of my heart.

Some of the verses that I’m returning to over and over have become anthems for me that I go to daily to set my heart and mind in the right place.  

Hebrews 13.8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Reminding me that with or without cancer, God is still worthy of praise. For me, all these efforts to get treatment and extend my life are primarily for my three year old little girl. I don’t want her to have the pain of growing up with out her mom. But, this verse reminds me that God is the same and worthy of our praise even if she does grow up with out a mom.

I also go back to the story of Shadrach Meshach and Abednego from Daniel 3. 

You probably remember the story well. Everyone in their town was  told to bow down and worship a false god. The punishment for refusing was to be thrown into a fiery furnace. Everyone worshipped the gold statue, but Shadrach Meshach and Abednego refused to follow suit. Some people told the king and he was furious. 

Here’s how the Message version of the Bible tells the rest of the story:

The king questioned them and gave them a second chance to obey.

16-18 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego answered King Nebuchadnezzar, “Your threat means nothing to us. If you throw us in the fire, the God we serve can rescue us from your roaring furnace and anything else you might cook up, O king. But even if he doesn’t, it wouldn’t make a bit of difference, O king. We still wouldn’t serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up.”

19-23 Nebuchadnezzar, his face purple with anger, cut off Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace fired up seven times hotter than usual. He ordered some strong men to tie them up, hands and feet, and throw them into the roaring furnace. Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, bound hand and foot, fully dressed from head to toe, were pitched into the roaring fire. Because the king was in such a hurry and the furnace was so hot, flames from the furnace killed the men who carried Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to it, while the fire raged around Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.

24 Suddenly King Nebuchadnezzar jumped up in alarm and said, “Didn’t we throw three men, bound hand and foot, into the fire?”

“That’s right, O king,” they said.

25 “But look!” he said. “I see four men, walking around freely in the fire, completely unharmed! And the fourth man looks like a son of the gods!”

Some people say that is Jesus; I love that even though they were in a literal fire, they weren’t in it alone.  They had to go through the fire, but Jesus went through it with them.

26 Nebuchadnezzar went to the door of the roaring furnace and called in, “Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, servants of the most High God, come out here!”

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego walked out of the fire.

27 Everyone gathered around to examine them and discovered that the fire hadn’t so much as touched the three men—not a hair singed, not a scorch mark on their clothes, not even the smell of fire on them! 

Next the king praises God. Shadrach Meshach and Abednego’s fiery challenge 

Gives the king a fiery passion to praise God.

28 Nebuchadnezzar said, “Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego! He sent his angel and rescued his servants who trusted in him! They ignored the king’s orders and laid their bodies on the line rather than serve or worship any god but their own.

29 “Therefore I issue this decree: no one should speak against the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. No other god can pull off a rescue like this.”

Friends, I’m in a battle where I can say— Only God can pull off the kind of rescue I need. 

But, I’d bet half my bank account most of you have felt that too.  Maybe you’ve had severe health issues,  maybe you’ve needed the courage to leave an abusive relationship,  maybe you’ve had the sorrow of losing a child,  maybe you’ve been plagued with overwhelming anxiety… 

I’m guessing that everyone of you have had a time when you thought, “only God can rescue me from this.” 

I look back at all those trials I mentioned earlier and see, yes, He jumped into the fire with me on all of them and pulled me out and actually it made me stronger than before.  So, right now, in this fire of cancer, I’m looking to the God who has rescued me time and time again and saying “I know you are able to rescue me, and I believe you will, but even if you don’t I will still praise you.”

The final scripture I return to as an anthem I’ve read with you before. Psalm 118. 

I’d like to share some of it with you again today

Psalm 118

1 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    his love endures forever.

2 Let Israel say:

    “His love endures forever.”

3 Let the house of Aaron say:

“His love endures forever.”

4  Let those who fear the Lord say:

    “His love endures forever.”

5 When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord;

    he brought me into a spacious place.

6 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.

    What can mere mortals do to me?

7 The Lord is with me; he is my helper.

 …

8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in humans.

9 It is better to take refuge in the Lord

    than to trust in princes.

I’m saying it’s better to trust in the Lord 

than medicine or doctors

13 I was pushed back and about to fall,

    but the Lord helped me.

14 The Lord is my strength and my defense[a];

    he has become my salvation.

15 Shouts of joy and victory

    resound in the tents of the righteous:

17 I will not die but live,

    and will proclaim what the Lord has done.

21 I will give you thanks, for you answered me;

    you have become my salvation.

27 The Lord is God,

    and he has made his light shine on us.

…

28 You are my God, and I will praise you;

    you are my God, and I will exalt you.

29 Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;

    his love endures forever.

 Verse 17 is something I’ve especially clung to. 

At first I thought, I will live and not die so that when I am healed from cancer I can tell the miraculous story of how God healed me and what seemed impossible with man is possible with God. And, that is still what I’m counting on. 

But, I’ve begun to think I’m alive today. I can tell what God has done today. I can tell you today that He has been with me in the trenches of every fire I’ve had to walk through, and he has used them all for the good of many lives and souls. 

And, when I return to scripture it allows me to fix my thoughts on Jesus. He endured the cross scorning its shame for the joy that was set before him. And remembering that He did that, and being bought with his blood gives me the strength to be content in a small apartment, to endure the disease of cancer, and to get through the other pains that come with life in a fallen world but doing so with joy because of the promise of a glorious eternity. 

Two nights ago, as I was putting my daughter to bed we were singing “what can wash a way my sins” and she stopped me mid song and said, “Mommy mommy, the blood of Jesus, it can heal everything. Even if you die it can heal you.” 

If I could leave you with any thought this morning it would be that. The blood of Jesus can heal anything you have going on in your life. Remember He never changes even when our circumstances do, lay your burdens at the foot of His cross, and let His blood bringing healing to your life.  

_________________________________________

HEALTH UPDATE

So, what does it mean for me that the clinical trial isn’t shrinking my tumors? To catch some of you up to speed on what I’ve done before I answer that, I’ve already done 3 kinds of chemo and radiation. The clinical trial I’ve been in is my fourth form of treatment. There are no other FDA approved treatments that have been effective at treating my kind of cancer. I have a biopsy scheduled for Thursday. The results of the biopsy will show if the immunotherapy trial I’ve been on has changed the genetic make up of my tumors. If it has I can continue on the trial. If it hasn’t then I’ll need to start searching for other clinical trials or treatments at different hospitals and clinics. My oncologist thinks I’ll have to begin a search for other clinical trials. She is willing to help me. My family might have to move in order for me to continue to have effective treatment options. I’m really hoping that I won’t have to move, but if we do have to move there’s a promising clinical trial in Cleveland that I’m looking into which would get me closer to my family and I’d be thankful for that. Yet, I am willing to go wherever I need to get treatments. I’ll try to write a short update after I get my biopsy results. 

Separately I had a chalazion in my eye. It has healed. 

OTHER UPDATES

I’m still a super Warriors fan and even though they’ve had a few embarrassing losses recently they are still number 1 in the western conference and still the favorites to be champions this year. 

I lead prayer in the SF Prayer Room every Wednesday night from 6-9 pm.  I’d love it if you join me some time. 

My landlord offered to let us move to a bigger apartment and even gave us the keys. She later changed her mind and took the keys back. I was absolutely heartbroken and cried for days. Now, I’m wondering if God kept us from moving because we might have to move so I can get treatment elsewhere. 

We were gifted tickets to see Hamilton and loved it! It left me wanting to live in a way that gives others freedom. 

My husband, family, and friends threw me TWO surprise birthday parties. I’ve lived to be 40 and I’m pretty thankful about that. 

I threw a small birthday party for Catica. The week after her party she snuggled up on my lap and we had this conversation,  C: Mama, you did such a good job. Me: A good job on what, Baby? C: My party. You set everything up so nice and perfect.  My heart melted.  

PRAYER REQUEST

Please pray for miraculous results to this biopsy and miraculous healing. God is able to do more than we can ask or imagine. 

_________________________________________

*I know I’ve already told this story on my blog before but I love to share it whenever I can as it keeps my perspective in check. 

[mywalkhispath]

Testing of Faith

In This World You Will Have Trouble…

Why, God?  Why me?  Why now? Why here? Why this?  Why am I in this valley of sickness, pain, suffering, shame, hopelessness?  God, why don’t you heal me from this thing?  Oh, how many times have I asked myself these questions as I traveled through one of life’s valleys?  I want to stay on the mountain top where I can see for miles, see where I’m going, live above the troubles of the city in the valley below.  But do I really?  Do I really want to stay where the winds are cold, the oxygen thin, the winter severe with troubles of its own, the terrain is rugged and a wrong step can be deadly?  How about the plains…the flat expansion of earth that’s not really a valley formed at the base of two mountains, but doesn’t have the rugged edges of the mountain top?  You know the easy place where life is predictable, the children are respectful and help with the dishes, husband and wives love each other with abandon, everyone is healthy, the bills are always paid on time….

We don’t live in this nirvana, we live in a broken world that is full of sin and suffering.  A world where our faith is tested daily, sometimes more severely, more painfully than others.  Sometimes we barely recognize the testing and passing or failing can have life long implications. 

Why must we go through this testing?  Much like the refining of metals to remove impurities and make it stronger, the successful testing of our faith makes us stronger and deepens our trust in God.  When others see how we respond to the difficult time in our lives it can affect their personal walk with God.  My cousin, Brooke, has been battling stage 4 breast cancer for several years now.  This is her second battle with this terrible disease and the aggressive nature of this battle leaves little hope for a complete remission.  Brooke has three elementary-aged children and works as the Women’s Ministry Director at a large church in Columbia, SC.  Her husband, Justin, was killed in a biking accident last August.  I am in awe of her strong faith and how she continues to rely on God in all things.  Through her social media posts, speaking engagements, and personal interactions I am sure she is strengthening others.  Her facebook page is here.  God has provided a strong faith-filled family and community of friends who help her manage her treatments and family obligations as she continues with chemo treatments to keep the cancer in check. 

There are numerous instances of the testing of faith in scripture.  Jesus was tested by the devil for 40 days; Peter and the other disciples were tested and martyred for their faith, Job was tested when the devil took his children and his earthly belongings.  They all came through with stronger faith, faith enough to die for what they believed in.  Jesus now sits at the right hand of God, the disciples at His feet, and Job was given even more than he previously possessed.  They were faithful during their testing.

There are also examples in Scripture where the testing didn’t go so well.  Adam and Eve gave in to the serpent’s testing by eating the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, resulting in their being banished from the Garden of Eden.  Moses killed a slave master.  King David had an affair with a married woman and tried to cover it up by having her husband killed. Still, God used them for His purposes and their names are familiar to both Jews and Christians.

In John 10:10a (NLT) Jesus says, “The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.”  The thief wants to take our joy, to test our faith and see how strong it is.  How we respond is crucial to where our path takes us.  How do we navigate our valleys, and even the precarious mountaintop well?

Before your faith is tested, surround yourself with strong believers:

We live in a society where fewer and fewer feel they have the need or the time to attend church services, yet this is where we are most likely to find strong believers.  Listening to podcasts or religious music, watching services online, or doing online Bible Studies are great to expand our knowledge of Jesus Christ, but they don’t give us the benefit of  intimate knowledge and relationship found in community with other believers.  Church people are no more perfect than you are, made from the same dust, molded by the same God.

Other strong believers may be in your family or in your neighborhood.  Seek them out, discuss your faith and their faith.  Share your fears and joys.  Start a bible study in your home or at work and be willing to be vulnerable with the attendees.  Then you will know who you can turn to and trust when you are tested.

As your faith is being tested, get a team:

In March of 2018 my 10 year-old grandson was admitted to the hospital because he was having trouble breathing.  The diagnosis was asthma and atypical pneumonia.  After he was released and spent a week at home, he, his sister, and a cousin came to stay with my husband and I, over 500 miles away.  He did well - swimming in the pool, going to the zoo, and other area attractions, as long as he didn’t overdo it and had his inhaler handy.  Upon returning home to his parents and to school he began having even more trouble breathing than before.  Back to the hospital where a CT scan showed a 90% blockage in his trachea that wasn’t readily visible in the X-rays taken during his first stay.  He was air-lifted to a premier children’s hospital where the surgical team was assembled and a strategy for removing this growth without collapsing his lungs, suffocating him, or leaving  some of it behind was developed.  This season was probably the most I’ve had my faith tested in a long time.  “Faith over fear” became my unspoken mantra as I prayed for his healing.  During this time I felt the prayers of my team of friends, family, and church washing over my sweet grandson, his parents, and me.  A prayer warrior I’ve never met had a vision of Saint Raphael, the Catholic Saint of Healing, standing over my grandson…as a Methodist, the Saints are rather unknown to me, but the peace of mind this gave me is undeniable.  The surgery was successful and that child of God is able to run and play with his cousins and friends, not worrying about having asthma!  This team of prayer warriors helped strengthen my trust in God as the surgical team strengthened my trust in medicine.  Our struggles don’t have to be wrestled with in a vacuum.  Get a team!

As your faith is being tested, tell God how you feel:

Your prayers don’t have to be just about solving the struggle.  When I was a teenager I thought little of telling my parents when I didn’t agree with a decision or family rule or being grounded for ignoring said rule.  Yet, I have to remind myself that I can go to my Heavenly Father with my hurts, my frustrations, my anger at what I’m facing.  We serve a loving God who wants to have a relationship with us and open communication is key.  Yes, God is all-knowing and doesn’t need me to tell Him what’s going on in my heart and mind…But just like I know the answer my kids will give me when I ask how his or her day went, I still like to have the interaction.  Getting what I’m feeling out in the open helps me process, it sparks clarity, it helps me understand better why I’m in this situation.

After the testing, praise God:

I am currently reading “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” by Lysa TerKeurst.  Here is a link.  If you’ve read Lysa’s earlier books you know that she is very vocal about the struggles she has had during her life.  In 2008 Lysa revealed that she’d had an abortion 16 years earlier.  The faith needed for someone who is so visible as a woman of God to step out and own this action and the subsequent pain is unfathomable to me.  In “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way” she discusses going through betrayal and two life-threatening health issues, yet she comes out praising God and the blessings she has received from these valleys…or in this life “between two gardens” as she likes to put it.  She praises God for the pain that kept her hospitalized until the doctors could find out what was wrong,  thus, saving her life.  She praises Him for the time she needed to sit and just be, and heal. 

My cousin, Brooke, praises God for each day, each moment, that she receives to spend with her children and extended family.  Would she have chosen this path?  Definitely not!  Is she modeling what a solid faith looks like even during extreme adversity?  Most definitely!

What the evil one intends to harm, to shame, to lessen our focus on our loving, faithful Heavenly Father, our God uses for good (Romand 8:28).  Lysa’s and Brooke’s stories encourage thousands of women.  The biblical accounts of Joseph (Genesis 37-50) and Ruth (the book of Ruth) encourage both men and women to place their faith in God,  knowing that He has plans for each of us, to prosper us, and give us a life worth living (Jeremiah 29:11).  In the second half of John 10:10 Jesus states, “My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life.”  Praise God, for He is faithful, He loves us, He promises to never forsake us!  Praise Him for loving us enough to see us through the valleys of our lives, to allow us to be challenged in a way that makes us stronger.  We live in a fallen world; let’s be thankful that God is with us each step of the way!

Why me, God?  Better yet… Why not me?  Jesus said, “I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.”  Thank you, Jesus!

[pope-francis-quotes]

21st February >> (@Romereports) #PopeFrancis #Pope Francis. Overwhelming testimonies of victims heard by Pope Francis and bishops. These are the transcripts of video testimonies from abuse victims. During the opening of the summit, the 190 participants watched them.

TEXTS OF TESTIMONIES

First Testimony (Man from South America)

First of all I want to thank the Commission for allowing me to address you today and the Holy Father for all the support and help he has given us in recent times.

They asked me to talk about the pain that comes from sexual abuse. Everyone knows that sexual abuse leaves tremendous consequences for everyone. I therefore believe that it is not worthwhile to continue to talk about this because the consequences are evident, in all aspects, and remains for the whole of life.

Instead I would like to speak about myself as a Catholic, of what happened to me and of what I would like to say to the bishops.

For a Catholic, the most difficult thing is to be able to speak about sexual abuse; but once you have taken courage and start telling - in our case, I speak of myself - the first thing I thought was: I'm going to tell everything to Holy Mother Church, where they will listen to me and respect me.

The first thing they did was to treat me as a liar, turn their backs and tell me that I, and others, were enemies of the Church. This pattern exists not only in Chile: it exists all over the world, and this must end.

I know that you are there talking as to how to end this phenomenon, how to prevent it from happening again, and how to remedy all this evil. First of all: false forgiveness, forced forgiveness does not work. Victims need to be believed, respected, cared for and healed. You need to repair what has been done to the victims, be close to them, believe them and accompany them.

You are the physicians of the soul and yet, with rare exceptions, you have been transformed - in some cases - into murderers of the soul, into murderers of the faith. What a terrible contradiction.

I wonder what does Jesus think? What does Mary think, when she sees that it is her own shepherds who betray their own little sheep?

I ask you, please collaborate with justice, because you have a special care for the victims, so that what is happening in Chile, that is, what the pope is doing in Chile, be it a repeated a model in other countries of the world.

We see the tip of the iceberg every day: although the Church says it's all over, cases continue to emerge: why? This is because it proceeds like when you are diagnosed with a tumour: you must treat the whole cancer, not just remove the tumour; so you need chemotherapy, radiotherapy, you need to have some treatment. It is not enough to remove the tumour and that's it.

I ask you to listen to what the Holy Father wants to do, not limiting yourself with a nod of ascent made with your head and then do something else. The only thing I ask of you - and I ask the Holy Spirit - to help restore that trust in the Church – that those who do not want to listen to the Holy Spirit and who want to continue to cover-up, leave the Church to give way to those who want to create a new Church, a renewed Church and a Church absolutely free from sexual abuse.

I entrust all this to the Virgin, to the Lord, so that all this becomes a reality. We cannot continue with this crime to cover the scourge of sexual abuse in the Church. I hope that the Lord and Mary will enlighten you and that, once and for all, we work with justice to remove this cancer from the Church, because it is destroying it. This is what the devil wants.

Thank you.

Second Testimony (Woman from Africa)

Q-What hurt you the most in life?

R- From the age of 15 I had sexual relations with a priest. This lasted for 13 years. I got pregnant three times and he made me have an abortion three times, quite simply because he did not want to use condoms or contraceptives.

At first I trusted him so much that I did not know he could abuse me. I was afraid of him, and every time I refused to have sex with him, he would beat me. Since I was completely dependent on him economically, I suffered all the humiliations he inflicted on me.

We had these relationships both in his home, in the village and in the diocesan reception center. In this relationship I did not have the right to have “boyfriends”; whenever I had one and he came to know about it, he would beat me up. This was the condition for helping me economically . He gave me everything I wanted, when I accepted to have sex; otherwise he would beat me.

Q- How did you deal with all these wounds and how do you feel now?

R- I feel I have a life destroyed. I have suffered so many humiliations in this relationship that I do not know what the future holds for me. This has caused me to be very cautious in my relationships, now.

D- What message do you want to pass to the bishops?

R- It must be said that to love, essentially is to love freely: when a person loves someone you think of their future, of their good. You cannot abuse a person this way. It must be said that priests and religious have a way of helping and at the same time also destroying: they have to behave like leaders, wise people.

D- Thank you very much.

Your contribution will be very significant for the Bishops' Meeting.

Thanks again.

Third testimony (Religious priest from Eastern Europe)

R- I am 53 years old, I am a religious priest. This year is the 25th year of my ordination. I am grateful to God. What hurt me? An encounter with a priest hurt me.

As a teenager, after my conversion, I went to the priest so he could teach me how to read Scriptures during Mass; and he touched my private parts. I spent a night in his bed. This hurt me deeply.

The other thing that hurt me was the bishop to whom, after many years, as an adult, I talked about the incident. I went to him together with my provincial. First, I wrote a letter to the bishop, six months later, I had a meeting with the priest. The bishop did not answer me, and after six months, I wrote to the nuncio. The nuncio reacted showing understanding. Then I met the bishop and he attacked me without trying to understand me, and this hurt me.

On the one hand the priest, and on the other, this bishop who .... What did I feel? I feel bad, because neither that priest, nor the bishop answered my letter, and it's been 8 years and he has not even answered.

What would I like to say to the bishops? That they listen to these people; that they learn to listen to the people who speak.

I wanted someone to listen to me, to know who that man is, that priest and what he does. I forgive that priest from the heart, and the bishop.

I thank God for the Church, I am grateful to be in the Church. I have many priest friends who have helped me.

Fourth testimony (Man from the United States)

Hello,

I appreciate this outreach to survivors of clergy sexual abuse and I am happy to participate in this project.

What has wounded me the most? As I reflect on that question I think back to the total… to the full realization of the total loss of the innocence of my youth and how that has affected me today.

There’s still pain in my family relationships. There’s still pain with my siblings. I still carry pain. My parents still carry pain at the dysfunction, the betrayal, the manipulation that this bad man, who was our Catholic priest at the time, wrought upon my family and myself.

So that’s what has wounded me the most and what I carry with me today. I am doing well now because I have found hope and healing by telling my story, by sharing my story with my family, my wife and my children – my extended family – my friends, and because I can do that, I feel more comfortable with myself and how I can be myself.

Finally what I want to tell the bishops - I think that’s an excellent question: I would ask the bishops for leadership. Leadership and vision and courage. That’s what I respond to, that’s what I hope to see. I have a personal experience of leadership, and how it has affected me personally.

One of my finest memories of Francis Cardinal George is when he spoke about the difficulties of fellow priests who have abused, and I considered those words, coming from a man in his position, even though they must be really hard for him to say, they were the right and proper thing to say.

I thought that was leadership at the time, and I think it’s leadership now. And I thought if he could put himself out there, and lead by example, then I could put myself out there and I think other survivors and other Catholics and faithful people can put themselves out there, to work for resolution, and work for healing, and work for a better Church.

So we respond to leadership, we look to our bishops for leadership, I would ask the bishops to show leadership.

Thank you.

Fifth Testimony (Man from Asia)

I have been sexually molested for long time, over a hundred times, and this sexual molestation has created traumas and flashbacks all across my life.

It’s difficult to live life, it’s difficult to be with people, to get connected with people. I carried an attitude for my family, for my friends and even for God.

Every time I have spoken to the Provincials and to the Major Superiors, they have all practically covered every issue, covered the perpetrators and that kills me sometimes.

It’s been a long time that I have been fighting this battle… and most of the Superiors either because of the friendship are unable to build a catch.

I’ll request the Provincials as well as the Major Superiors and the Bishops sitting in this audience to make strong acts which really put the perpetrator into place. If we want to save the Church, I think the perpetrators need to be given…

I’ll request the Bishops to get their act clear because this is one of the time bombs happening in the Church of Asia. If you want to save the Church, we need to put our act together and get the perpetrators to book. We should not have friendship over here but it is the act, because this act will destroy our whole generations of children. As Jesus always said, we need to be child-like not to be child sexual molesters.

[fuckyeahmarxismleninism]

URGENT: Mumia Abu-Jamal’s Treatment Expected, But Not Yet Delivered

Delayed Hep C Treatment Leads to Death

On March 31, 2017, Mumia Abu-Jamal received a cruel mix of bad and good news from a prison doctor. The doctor shared the results of his recent lab test, which showed clear signs of cirrhosis, an irreversible scarring of the liver caused by his untreated Hep C. The doctor also informed Mumia that he would be treated with the Hep C cure within a week.

The impending victory was bittersweet. Mumia shared his feelings with those he called that morning. His rare expression of emotion was also captured in an interview that evening in which he stated: “My first reaction was really shock, anger, disbelief. If I had been treated in 2015, if I had been treated in 2012 when they say they first diagnosed it, I wouldn’t be this far advanced.…For a lot of guys and a lot of gals inside the Pennsylvania prisons, I think it is a step forward and a great day, but I assure you I don’t feel that way right now.”

The Pennsylvania Department of Corrections’ apparent concession to treat Mumia with the Hep C cure was achieved through an agonizing two-year battle waged in the streets and through two court suits. However, Mumia has not yet been treated and will not be without our vigilance and continued protests.

If he is treated immediately, Mumia can expect to return to good health; but patients who have developed cirrhosis are more susceptible to developing liver cancer in the future and have to be monitored for the rest of their lives.

In the face of Mumia’s battle for humane medical treatment, the PA DOC had adopted a retaliatory posture and accelerated its efforts to silence and kill Mumia by delaying treatment. Because of the failure to treat his Hep C, over the last two years, Mumia fell into a diabetic coma, experienced severe brain swelling, and suffered a painful skin condition that disfigured his body. In the last year, he and others in the prison have been forced to bathe in and drink water that is often visibly contaminated—“black and turbid,” as Mumia put it.

Many of Mumia’s supporters around the world believed that Mumia received treatment back in early January 2017 because a federal judge ordered the DOC to provide it. But a stubborn and stonewalling PA DOC refused to comply with the ruling. The judge ordered Mumia’s immediate treatment citing the unconstitutionality of the PA DOC’s Hep C treatment protocol. The judge denounced the DOC, whose protocol “deliberately delays” treatment with the standard Hep C cure until the prisoner experiences bleeding of the throat, among other deadly symptoms. The decision cited eight amendment rights violations prohibiting cruel and usual punishment.

The ongoing foot dragging by the PA DOC was confirmed this week. On the same day that the prison doctor delivered the news to Mumia, PA DOC attorneys filed a scandalous motion in court. They asked the judge to dismiss Mumia’s legal health suit on the basis that the DOC had decided to treat Mumia under the guidelines of pre-existing HEP C treatment protocol —the same protocol that the judge previously declared “unconstitutional.”

These arguments demonstrate the DOC’s attempt to undermine the legal implications of Mumia’s legal suit and the DOC’s own misconduct. When Mumia is finally administered the cure, his treatment will establish precedent for the treatment of thousands of PA prisoners with Hep C, as well as people on the outside who can't afford the medication. Mumia’s battle has exposed the deadly crisis of medical care in the prisons and the barbarism of the U.S. for-profit health care system that charges 90K for the Hep C cure.

As history shows, a judge’s ruling does not ensure its implementation, especially when it challenges ruling interests.  For this reason, we are asking you to take action and demand immediate Hep C treatment for Mumia, for the more than 700,000 prisoners with Hep C across the country and the millions suffering with the untreated, deadly disease outside the prison walls in our neighborhoods.

This moment has also created an opportunity to uphold Mumia’s innocence and fight for his freedom. On Monday, April 24, 2017, the day of Mumia’s birthday, his attorneys will challenge his conviction in the Philadelphia Court of Common Pleas. We are calling on you to join us at the courthouse and in the streets.

On April 24, his conviction attorneys, Judith Ritter and Christina Swarns (NAACP Legal Defense Fund), will take advantage of the recent Supreme Court ruling in Williams v. Commonwealth to show how judicial and prosecutorial bias in all of Mumia’s state appeals have kept him behind bars. This important Supreme Court ruling determined that a judge cannot fairly adjudicate an appeal of a case for which he/she has previously had a personal role in a significant prosecutorial decision.

In Mumia’s case, Judge Ronald Castile, the same judge under scrutiny in Williams v. Commonwealth, also was the elected Philadelphia District Attorney responsible for the arguments made to the Pennsylvania Supreme Court in 1988 to uphold Mumia’s trial conviction and death sentence. Castille had also been a high-level assistant DA during Mumia’s trial. After he was elected to the PA Supreme Court in 1994, he was involved in deliberating and denying all of Mumia’s state appeals against the decisions of “hanging judge” Albert Sabo and Pamela Dembe who upheld Mumia’s death sentence and denied him a new trial during multiple appeals between 1998-2007. These judges denied a new trial despite Mumia’s innocence, that evidence of his guilt was manufactured by the police and prosecution and that he had been denied virtually every due process right and protection owed under the U.S. constitution.

During the appellate filing, Mumia’s attorneys asked Judge Castille to recuse himself because of this bias, citing also the judge’s close relationship with the Fraternal Order of Police (FOP), which lobbied for Mumia’s conviction. The FOP funded Castille’s bid for the Pennsylvania Supreme Court and honored him as “Man of the Year.” In response to Mumia’s attorneys, Justice Castille responded stridently that he would not step aside, noting that he should not be singled out because five of the seven judges of that Pennsylvania Supreme Court were also supported by the FOP. It is no surprise that the court did not find one single error in the original court proceedings and thus upheld his death sentence and denied Mumia the right to a new trial.

We demand the immediate release of Mumia!

We are calling on you to do two things

Call the DOC to demand immediate treatment for Mumia and all PA prisoners with Hep C --- PA DOC Secretary John Wetzel, (717) 728-2573, (Email) ra-crpadocsecretary@pa.gov -- (Twitter) @johnewetzel * @CorrectionsPA

Join us in Philadelphia on Monday, April 24, 2017 at 8:30AM, at the the Philadelphia Court of Common Pleas to assert Mumia’s innocence and call for his immediate release. Center for Criminal Justice, Courtroom 1101, 1303 Filbert Street, Philadelphia, PA

Signers in solidarity,

International Concerned Family and Friends of Mumia Abu-Jamal

MOVE

Campaign to Bring Mumia Home

Abolitionist Law Center

Free Mumia Abu-Jamal Coalition (NYC)

Educators for Mumia Abu-Jamal

Committee to Save Mumia Abu-Jamal

Workers World Party

Philly REAL Justice

Prison Radio

Sankofa Community Empowerment

Millions for Mumia/International Action Center

Mobilization to Free Mumia Abu-Jamal/Northern California

Le Collectif Français "Libérons Mumia”

German Network Against the Death Penalty and to Free Mumia Abu-Jamal

Amig@s de Mumia de México

Saint-Denis Free Mumia Committee