#(because i still am. i swear. i prommy. it comes and goes)

[saintadeline]

It's quite fun to me that ive been poking around in bborne tumblr for long enough now that i feel my brain separating bb mutuals/followers into different like... Generations? The old time mutuals (like, 2018- 2020?) and the new mutuals (past 2 years or so). Its fun to see the new circles that emerged with time and who took up the torch when your "old" circle gradually stopped posting. You know what i mean?

[doctormage]

ok i know this was literal months ago but genuinely curious what your actual answers are for dai romances: which do you think is the best narratively, which is the most fleshed out, which do you like the best, which has the LI you like the best? also bonus q which do you think is the best written as a contained story vs best written as it meshes with the broader narrative/themes? whichever of those isn’t already covered by “best narratively” :o) bonus BONUS q: best kiss superlative???

this made my WHOLE day tysm :') as expected this got incredibly long so under a read more it goes lol

[insert general disclaimer that these are just ~my thoughts and opinions~ and i won't pretend they're inarguable/objective]

best narratively: SOLAS. SORRY

this comes as a surprise to absolutely no one but I SWEAR I don't just have solas fucker glasses on. like I do have them on but I am capable of being objective I prommy

for one, Solas himself is a critical part of the narrative! i've gone on this rant a trillion times so I won't go full throttle here, but I will go slight throttle. every single companion serves as a foil or mirror to Solas, including the inquisitor. Solas watches the inquisitor go on the exact same path that he did in becoming Fen'Harel—the loss of self, the sacrifices for the greater good, the impossible decisions that have long-standing and international impact. it HAS to be brutal to watch. extremely juicy to intertwine this with a romance.

for another, I am just. destroyed by the fact that the inquisitor can come SO CLOSE to getting him to abandon his task. they don't know who he is, what he's done, or what he's trying to do; just by virtue of being themselves, they make the world around him come to life. he is an immortal being that sees the separation from magic as the most tragic and unnatural thing possible. so much so that he doesn't even view the people who walk this earth as people at all. they're NPCs in the bad timeline to him. he's just waiting to reload his save.

and literally without even knowing any of this, the inquisitor makes the world around him come to life. they make what he sees as tranquiled husks into people he cares about. they turn a fallen, lifeless world into one worth appreciating. and, for a time, into one worth saving. (both in the sense that he stays to close the breach / save everyone from Corypheus, and in the sense that he nearly abandons his plans.)

"you're real, and it means everyone could be real. it changes everything, but it can't." like. are you serious. i'm eating drywall rn

i find it absolutely insane that his romance was a last-minute addition. it is the sparsest of the romances as far as in-game content for main game, so that part I understand, but it works so well in the overarching narrative (and presumably that of DA4 as well) that it really blows me away that we almost didn't get it. as annoying as solasmancers can be—and I know we really can be—it makes a lot of sense to me that so many people were sucked down this rabbit hole

solas is a devastatingly lonely man for a multitude of reasons. he is immortal in a world where not everyone is anymore. nearly everyone he ever knew is dead. the thing he did to prevent the Evanuris from destroying the world still, in his eyes, destroyed it anyway. it is his greatest regret and it literally surrounds him at all times and he can't talk to anyone about it. through the inquisitor he is able to know what it is to love and be loved, and it shakes him so thoroughly he nearly abandons his entire purpose. and because of that—assuming from what we know of DA4 so far—he refuses to get close to anyone ever again. for fear of laying down his burden. I FEEL INSANE!!!!

i do want to throw in a disclaimer that I think most of these things are still true with a high-approval, non-romanced inquisitor as well. my first lavellan was a Solas bestie and I maintain that the overall themes that I love in the romance are still present in the platonic arc. but we don't get the crestwood scene without the romance, and FOR ME PERSONALLY(!), that is the most crucial part of the relationship's role in the story and what it says about both his and the inquisitor's character arcs.

last thing I swear. I also think inquisition has a lot of untapped potential as a story about what people can accomplish when they work together and care for one another. I acknowledge this isn't really explored in-game but TO ME! it is an important part of the story overall and solas's place in it. he altered the fabric of reality because he wanted to help people, and eons later he stuck around to knit back up his greatest mistake...to help people. I am gutted by the fact that this might be the only time in his entire, immortal life that he had the relationships with the people around him like he does while in the inquisition. AND by the fact that rather than see what caring for one another accomplished, he sees it was a weakness. completely misses the point because his shame and regret is just too suffocating. again i'm extrapolating a lot here but I couldn't not mention it in an answer about why I find his romance the best narratively lol

i'm so sorry this became literally an essay but academia never leaves you and I will also never not be deeply unwell about Solas. I hope this answered your question and wasn't just me losing my mind for 7 straight paragraphs (jesus christ) dksfjsdk but yeah. i'm done now

most fleshed out: CULLEN

this is a Bit hard for me to say bc i've only fully romanced 3 LIs in inquisition (Josie, Solas, Cass). i've read through/watched the others but imo it's not quite the same as experiencing the major beats of the relationship alongside the rest of the game. ANYWAY

to me the cullenmance seems most fleshed out, and I would be surprised if it didn't since he's been around for 3 whole games. they're able to rely on the players' past experiences with him as a kind of shorthand to develop his character (imo) and that history makes it feel a little fuller than romances with people you've only met this game. and he's the only other LI you can marry in trespasser and i am naught but a bitter josiemancer at the end of the day

also it pisses me off tremendously bc EYE think if they had actually put any effort or thought into his "redemption" he could've been one of the most impactful romances in the game! perhaps even second after solas! they had such a juicy opportunity w him (character-wise AND romance-wise) and they just. fumbled the absolute shit out of it. but idk why I expected anything else tbh slkdfjd

romance I like best: JOSIE <3

i'm taking this to mean the one I would like best for myself, and i'm sure i'm at least partially biased bc she was my first EVER dragon age romance but I really, really love Josephine's. I find it so sweet and such a great extension of her character <333 I love being able to go smooch her in the gardens whenever you want, I love that you get her to unwind a little, and I love the whirlwind fairytale drama of it all when you literally duel for her hand. is it unrealistic that the other dude would just give up? perhaps but idc it's TRUE LOVE and it CONQUERS ALL

I also personally find the leliana shotgun talk endearing bc it gives us a glimpse into their friendship. genuinely one of my only complaints is that I can't marry her/didn't get a romance specific scene w her in trespasser. like you just go to the opera. but whatever it's fine bc I love her so much. Josie deserves the world and, as someone who has spent her life taking care of others, she deserves someone who wants to take care of HER. I love that the inquisitor can be that for her :') additionally the epilogue slides (at least if you disband the inquisition idr what the others say) are fucking adorable bc her family loves you!!!

LI I like best: JOSIE AGAIN <3

antivan girllll I love youuuuu!! Solas doesn't win this title bc honestly he annoys me sometimes and Josie never annoys me lmao (I do still like him and think I would if I was a person in-game, but I gotta be realistic). I wish I had a deeper answer to this but I just think she's sweet, funny, interesting, beautiful, smart, sexy, and cool. I love that she's aggressively organized and that she can diffuse almost any situation and that she loves to talk shit and that she has regular tea parties with the other advisors. she is so cute and I love her!!! just in case I haven't said it enough times already!!!

best written as contained story + best written as it meshes with broader narratives/themes: I'M BALD/NUANCED ANSWER

tbh. the josiemance is probably one of the best ones (imo) as a contained story. you could completely remove it from the game and it would still make sense and be cute. it CAN mesh with the broader narratives/themes but it really doesn't have to and I haven't thought about this at all until just now! wow!

actually maybe i'll sort it this way. of the ones that could function well as standalone: Josie, Cassandra

ones that didn't NEED to happen during inquisition but still fit in well thematically: Blackwall, Dorian, Bull

ones that mesh best with the game's broader narratives/themes: Solas obviously, Cullen, and...Sera, actually, I think!

given that inquisition is about losing your personhood and being treated as a symbol, I appreciate that Sera is someone who tries to stay grounded and keep the inquisitor grounded. pretty sure the inquisitor actually says so verbatim to her in the scene after the post-corypheus party. she loves you for YOU, and reminds you that you are "a people" and not just the inquisitor, and that becomes a rare and beautiful gift by the end of the inq's story arc :')

i reserve the right to switch these around w more thought but for now I think i'll leave it there lol

best kiss(!!!): STILL BALD/NUANCE

to get the obligatory solasfucker brain rot answer out of the way: when he kisses the inquistor while removing their arm. I won't write another 7 paragraphs about it but just know that I COULD. lmfao

i love the Josie kiss after you duel for her hand ;_; and the one at the very end of the scene where her foot pops like mia in the princess diaries ;_; wah

i swear i'm not exclusively picking ones that i've personally romanced!! there are many good kisses those are just my favs

ANYWAY!

thank you SO MUCH for this ask I had an incredible time answering it this was extremely fun for me. and a good excuse to go back and watch all 8 romances via YouTube lskdjfslkdjf but fr thank you <3

[ibis-gt]

i made a fairytale au for cam and luther and then wrote nearly 5k words of fic for it?? which is wild bc i am not much of a writer. but. that’s under the cut. content warning for a pretty violent scene towards the end but there’s a happy ending i prommy

Once upon a time, there lived a prince. This prince, Luther by name, lived in a kingdom that was plagued by monsters. His father, the king, had gained his throne by feats of heroism, most notably by slaying a fearsome dragon that had ruled the land for years. The time came for Luther to prove he was worthy of the title of prince by slaying a monster of his own… 

Down in the countryside, farmers have been complaining for weeks of an ogre stealing their cattle and frightening their children. So Luther sets off in a splendid suit of armor, with a sword sheathed on one hip, a quiver of arrows on the other, and his bow slung on his back.

Luther rides his horse down to the village where the ogre was last spotted. He talks with the locals and gets a description of the creature. At least forty feet tall, they say, with greenish-grey skin and dark hair and teeth the length of a man’s forearm. Luther leaves his horse behind with the farmers because he doesn’t want her getting hurt and marches off, following a set of giant footprints left behind by the ogre, sword in hand. He would have to admit that he isn’t the best at sword fighting, and that really he’s never faced a monster on his own. But his father gave him a crucial tip: every monster has a weak point. Find the weak point, exploit it, and you’ll win every time. 

The footprints lead through the plains of grass, past the area where the farmers let their cattle out to graze, and into a dark forest. The sun is going down before he manages to find the ogre, so he sets up a little camp with a little fire and rests his tired bones. His armor isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, but it takes forever to get on and off even with someone helping him, let alone by himself. He sits with his back to a big boulder so nothing can sneak up behind him and eventually drifts off.

Luther awakens the next morning and groans at how stiff and sore he is. He sits up and pauses, brow furrowed, remembering that he’d gone to bed sitting upright. But just now, he’d been lying on his back. And he’s not the best tracker, but those giant footprints look… disconcertingly fresh. These things add up in his mind. He just about passes out. He crouches down and puts his head between his knees for a moment until he can breathe again and his heart stops pounding quite so hard. He was right next to it! He fell asleep leaning on it! If his father heard about this he’d give him such a beating. How could he not have noticed that the boulder was actually - 

His stomach rumbles, interrupting his panicked thoughts, and Luther remembers that the last time he ate was back in that farming village around two in the afternoon yesterday. He digs out a bit of beef jerky and morosely works at it. His father swears by the stuff, but it just makes his teeth hurt. Luther dreams of the kitchens back home and drools a little.

He gives up on the jerky and manages to take down a couple squirrels with his bow and arrows. He gets his fire blazing again and sets them cooking over it, and sits down to draw in the dirt and form a battle plan. He gets wrapped up in his drawing and loses track of time, but is startled violently back to reality as a deep booming voice from behind him says, “Your squirrel’s burning.”

Luther’s eyes snap up to the fire. He hastily pulls the stick with his squirrels off of it, waving it in the air to put out the bit of squirrel that had caught fire. He blows on it and inspects the damage. Not too bad, a little charred. Still definitely edible. Then realization dawns, and he slowly looks up and over his shoulder.

That’s the ogre. He’s unmistakable. Huge, greyish-green, with shaggy black hair and big tusks that jut out of his mouth. He’s down on one knee looming over Luther, modesty barely preserved by a loincloth stitched together out of the pelts of many different furry animals. Luther wills himself to not faint for the second time that day. 

“You gonna eat that?” The ogre booms. “’Cause I will if you won’t.”

“W-well, yes, I was planning to,” Luther quavers, “But there are two, so, um, you can have one if you want? We can share?”

He takes the non-burned squirrel off the stick and holds it up. His hand only shakes a little. The ogre takes it carefully between thumb and forefinger and tosses it in his mouth. With such a tiny morsel, he’d usually just swallow it whole, but an interesting flavor makes him stop and savor it for a moment. 

“What’d you do to it? Not like any squirrel I’ve eaten. And I’ve eaten a whole army of squirrels.” He slaps a hand on his formidable belly. The sound makes Luther jump. 

“I- I didn’t do much, j-just some seasoning, I-I’m sorry, I d-didn’t mean to, please don’t eat me next." 

"You?” The ogre laughs. “Why would I eat you? You shared your food with me. That’s mighty polite. I’d say that makes us friends now, and I don’t eat friends.” He grunts as he shifts position, sitting down heavily and stretching out his legs. “Bad knees,” he grumbles. “Sat like that too long, but I wanted to see what you were drawing." 

Luther is now horrifically aware that he is directly between the ogre’s legs. He is also horrifically aware that he was drawing himself hitting an ogre with a sword. He hurriedly kicks some dirt over it. 

"Nothing. Nothing interesting. I’m a bad artist anyway.”

“Sure. What’s your name, little tin man? You didn’t seem too talkative when you snuggled up to me last night, but I thought maybe you were just tired. I’m Cam." 

"L-Luther.” Oh god. He was supposed to kill this thing, it - well, no, not ‘it’, he can’t think of Cam as an ‘it’ now he knows his name - he’s terrorizing folks, stealing their livelihoods, he’s supposed to drive him away, save the day, bring peace to the kingdom. Instead he’s sharing his meager breakfast and making friends with the monster. How did it all go so wrong!!

“So, Luther, you made of metal? I thought you were gonna take all that off, looks pretty uncomfortable, but you wore it all night. Unless it’s like… you?" 

"No, no, um, it’s just… it takes a long time to put it on and take it off? And I usually need help.”

 "Well shoot, friend, why didn’t you say so?“ Before Luther can object, a giant hand descends and plucks him up. He panics, struggles in Cam’s grasp, and Cam tsks at him. "I can’t get all that off you if you don’t hold still. Don’t make me squeeze." 

Luther goes still. If Cam squeezes the armor, it’ll stay squeezed. He wouldn’t want to still be in it if that happens. Cam clearly has no idea how to get someone out of armor though. He just pulls at clasps and buckles till they break, then shucks the metal off of Luther like an ear of corn. His helmet comes off first, freeing his dark brown curls.

“Aww,” Cam says, “lookit you. You’re kinda cute for a tin man.” He musses up Luther’s hair with a fingertip. "You’re like a little crab,” Cam chuckles. “Crack open the hard shell to get to the soft stuff underneath.” The food metaphor does not put Luther any more at ease as the rest of his armor is pulled off and tossed aside, piece by piece. Cam even strips the chainmail off of him and dumps it on the ground. This leaves Luther in his shirt and breeches, shaking like a leaf and terrified for his life. 

“Oh, you cold? Here, I gotcha.” Cam sandwiches him between his hands. Luther awaits the pressure and the horrible crunch that will no doubt be the end of his short life, but it never comes. Cam just holds him there, and truth be told his hands are very warm, and it had been a chilly morning. Luther relaxes very slightly.

After a few minutes, Cam lifts one hand a little and peeks at Luther. “Better?" 

"Much better, thank you. Even a little too warm, actually? Can I, um, come out now?" 

Cam laughs and opens his hands like a book, then tilts them so Luther tumbles into the palm of his left hand. "So what’s a fancy little shrimp like you doing all the way out here, with that tough shell and those sharp weapons? You huntin’ something?" 

Luther hesitates. It’s not… technically a lie, just an omission of truth, right? "Yeees…. Hunting.”

Cam laughs out loud, leaning back and slapping his knee with his free hand. “HA! You are just about the worst liar I ever met, Luther. Whew.” He actually wipes a tear from his eye. Luther feels his face heating up with anger and embarrassment.

“I am hunting! I’m hunting you!” As soon as he says it he regrets it. He slaps his hands over his mouth and cowers back as Cam sits up straight again and looks down at him, raising an eyebrow. 

“That so? Huh. Well, you found me, oh mighty hunter. And you fed me, and let me take your armor off you, and left all your sharp things on the ground while you sit in the palm of my hand. So, uh… how’s that goin’ for ya?”

“It… I… um… please don’t kill me?”

Cam grins. It’s not a nice grin anymore. It shows off too many teeth. “Lotsa folks have hunted me, you know. Not a one has succeeded. Most of ‘em can’t find me in the first place, not unless I want them to. Neat little trick we ogres have. We blend in well. The ones who did find me, they regretted it pretty quick. When I heard you clanking along with your silly armor and your little sword, I thought oh boy, here comes another one. But it turns out this one couldn’t find his own ass with both hands and a map, so he ain’t one of them legendary monster hunters lookin’ to claim some bounty. And he’s a little scrawny slip of a thing, too, and he keeps stopping to look at birds. I kinda liked you. And honestly, when you found me, it took me by surprise. Thought I had you pegged all wrong. Then you made your little fire, curled up next to me, and went to sleep, and it took everything I had not to bust my gut laughing right then and there. And now… well, I don’t rightly know what to make of you. Cute little thing, I know that. But cute won’t save you if you wanna tussle with me. So, little hunter… what’re you gonna do now?”

Luther’s nearly in tears. He manages to say, “Then… were you just… toying with me? This whole time? Waiting to see what I’d do?" 

Cam shrugs. "Pretty much.” That does it. The waterworks are in full swing. Luther’s chin trembles, his lower lip wobbles, and then tears are streaming down his face and he’s sobbing. 

“Y- you’re s-so-ho meeeaaaan,” Luther wails. “Y-you’re j-just making f-fun of me, I thought w-we were friends!” 

Cam has absolutely no idea how to respond to this. For some reason he actually feels guilty. “Aw - no - now look, there’s no call for - just… just stop crying, okay? Please?” Luther continues to sob, heedless of Cam’s pleading. “There, there,” Cam tries, patting Luther’s head. “I’m not going to kill you. Okay? How’s that? I’m sorry I called you - well. All those things. I’m sure you’re a great hunter. Look, you got those squirrels. And hey! That one I ate tasted great. You got some real skill there." 

Luther wipes his eyes and looks up, teetering dangerously on the edge of another sobbing fit. His eyes are all watery and a little red-rimmed. "R-really?" 

"Yes! Of course!” Cam clings to the compliment like a life preserver. “I bet you’re like, like the king’s cook or something, right? Cause you’re the best in the land?" 

Luther’s face crumples a little and he looks down, mutters something. 

"What?” Cam holds him up a little closer to his ear. 

“’m his son,” Luther mumbles again. 

“His son? You’re a prince? And you’re all - oh, hell.” Now he’s really put his foot in it. Luther bursts into tears again and curls up in a little ball.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I - oh, ugh, you’re getting my hand all wet.” Cam picks him up between thumb and forefinger and shakes the little tear droplets off his palm. “Now look here,” he says, attempting a sterner approach. “You’re a prince, all right? You can’t be crying and going to pieces just ‘cause some big bad monster was mean to you. You gotta kill big bad monsters, right? So here’s what you’re gonna do.” Cam sets him down gently, picks up his sword and hands it to him. “There you go. You’re gonna take that sword, right, and you’re gonna really let me have it. That’ll make you feel better, won’t it?“ 

Luther purses his lips and looks up at him. "But… all I can hit from here is your foot. That’s no good. I need a shot at something vital." 

"Oh fine, fine, Mr. Picky,” Cam grumbles. He shuffles his legs to the side and leans down til he’s practically laying on his belly. “Face shot. Free one for ya. Go on, hit something good.” Luther considers. Just as Cam realizes how ridiculous this whole thing is, he draws his sword back and plunges it into Cam’s eye.

- Almost plunges it into Cam’s eye. The ogre moves suddenly, turning his head to the side to avoid the blow. Luther makes a deep gash in Cam’s cheek, and Cam roars. “Oh, you sly little shit. Very good, very sneaky. You almost had me there. Fine. We do this the hard way.”

He gets to his feet, draws himself up to his full, impressive height, and looks down at the dirt where Luther was a moment ago. Cam blinks in surprise. “Where’d you… goddammit…” He looks around, trying to catch a glimpse of where Luther could’ve gotten to. 

Luther was not about to let the golden opportunity to run and hide during a big dramatic show of power go to waste. He slides into a patch of underbrush, catches his breath, and takes stock. He has no armor, no food, no bow or arrows. Those are all back at his camp, which is currently ogre territory. He has one sword that he’s okay at using. The ogre has the homefield advantage, and some kind of ability, possibly magical, to hide himself from those who want to find him. Luther shouldn’t let him out of his sight. But he should work on camouflaging himself. He takes a handful of dirt and smears it on his face and shirt. The sword he can’t do much about, he’ll just have to try and keep it from glinting. He glances to his left, away from where Cam still stands, turning in circles and peering around. Luther had only gone a little ways into the woods before he stopped for camp last night. He can almost see the forest’s edge from here. He could dart for the grasslands and try to make it back to the village, but he’d be in plain sight as soon as he’s out of the trees and there’s no guarantee Cam won’t just follow him all the way back. The further he goes into the trees the more firmly he is in Cam’s territory, but the more coverage he has. 

Possibilities begin swirling around in his head. His best bet is trickery rather than a face to face confrontation. He’s got a running list in his mind of Cam’s weak points now. Food, monologuing, emotional outbursts. Although that last one’s probably off the table now. Bursting into tears isn’t going to get him out of a second pinch. Bad knees - if he can trip Cam up, he can get a shot at his face again, maybe cut his throat or get at his soft belly and sides. Cam’s a talker and likes to gloat, maybe if he gets him distracted by looking pathetic he could get him to walk right into a trap of some kind. He likes food… but Luther doesn’t have the resources to make a big feast to distract him or sate him, just a pouchful of seasoning that he never leaves home without. His lip wobbles again as he thinks about how that’s back at his camp… he may never see his precious seasonings again.

Meanwhile, Cam is getting frustrated. “Well, the little shit can’t have gone far,” he grumbles. “Just gotta flush 'im out.” Luther watches, petrified, as Cam lumbers over to a nearby patch of underbrush and without warning stomps down on it hard, twisting his foot and smashing every inch of it. He steps back and leans down to inspect what’s left. Luther bites his lip hard to stifle a whimper. 

“Nope, not there,” Cam announces. “Eeney, meeney, miney…..” Another bunch of bushes are mercilessly ground into the dirt. “Moe. Hmmm. Where are you?”

Luther can’t stay in his hiding place for long. It’s only a matter of time before Cam gets to him. He needs an opening to make a break for it though, if he runs now Cam will spot him right away. As slowly as he dares, he picks up a large, flat rock, then skims it like a frisbee off to his right, where it hits a tree with a satisfying thock. Cam whirls around, and Luther bolts out of the brush. Cam hears the leaves rustling and turns back around, catching sight of him as he flees. 

“There you are! Hold on now, don’t go running off! I just wanna talk, I swear. The whole monster-slaying prince thing not working out for ya? I got a better job offer! You can be my dinner!” Luther keeps sprinting as fast as he can, not even bothering to glance behind him. The last thing he needs is to miss a fallen branch or a groundhog hole and trip.

On flat, open land, the ogre would outpace him easily. But if he can get deeper into the forest where the trees are closer together, that could slow him down enough for Luther to get some distance and hide again, have a moment to breathe and think so he can work on his plan. He’s starting to get an idea of what he’ll need. He needs the element of surprise for sure, and he needs more than just his sword. If he had some rope he could set up a tripwire, maybe. He curses himself for not taking his father’s advice about packing, for letting Cam strip him, for being too weak and scared to do anything when he had the chance, for being born in the first place. His eyes well up with tears and he scrubs at them furiously. He can’t afford to have his sight blurred right now, he needs to keep his head clear and keep moving. He can hear Cam’s thudding footsteps behind him, gaining quickly. He can cover so much more ground in a single step. It’s simply not fair. The little bit of distance he was able to gain with his rock trick is disappearing fast and it won’t be long before he’s in arm’s reach.

Almost as if he can read his thoughts, Cam lunges forward and takes a swipe at him, trying to knock him off his feet. Luther hits the deck and Cam overbalances, stumbling and crashing into a tree. The tree snaps when his weight collides with it, and Cam has to windmill his arms to keep from falling over. Luther scrambles to his feet and keeps running. He even manages to put on an extra burst of speed when he hears Cam roar with frustration behind him. He’s not as fast as he could be because he’s lugging the sword along with him, but he doesn’t dare drop it. It proves its usefulness in the next minute. Cam closes the distance and grabs for him. Luther sees the shadow fall over him and whirls around, lashing out at the reaching hand. He slices across Cam’s palm, and Cam howls with pain and pulls back. Luther dashes away, and Cam stomps his foot in frustration. 

"Hold still, dammit! You’re just making it worse for yourself!” He takes off after Luther again, but his stamina’s flagging. It’s harder for a creature his size to haul himself around and he’s used to running down his prey in the first minutes of the chase. This has dragged on long enough to tire him out, but he’s not willing to give up just yet. “When I get my hands on you, tin man, you’re paste,” he growls. “They’re gonna have to come up with new words for how dead you’re gonna be.”

The trees start getting close enough together that Luther has to dodge around them from time to time. He can hear Cam behind him crashing through them, spluttering as he gets a face full of branches and leaves. Luther smiles to himself. That’s nice, at least. At last he gathers up his nerve and dodges to the side behind a particularly large tree, hoping that Cam’s too busy navigating the foliage to notice. His gamble pays off. A few seconds later, the ogre goes lumbering past him without so much as a sideways glance. Luther waits just a moment more, then bolts in the opposite direction.

He’s got a plan now. He probably won’t be able to find Cam again, but Cam can find him. So he’ll set up an ambush. He circles back around to his camp and grabs his supplies as quickly as he can, his bow and arrow, his helmet, his tinderbox, and most importantly, his seasoning. He hunts for deer, takes down a decent-sized buck, and sets up a new campfire, deep in the woods, where the trees are close. He’s hoping that Cam will think that Luther thinks he’s safe in there, and that the smell of the meat cooking will lure Cam in. He takes off his shirt and fills it with twigs and leaves, sets his helmet up on a stick driven into the ground, and makes a decently convincing decoy Luther that he leans against a log. The helmet tilts at an angle that makes it look like he’s fallen asleep. With that set up, and night closing in, Luther climbs up a nearby tree and waits, sword in hand.

He doesn’t watch the fire. He wants to keep his night vision sharp. And sure enough, before too long here comes Cam, moving surprisingly quietly for his size. He squeezes through the trees with barely a rustling of leaves. Cam’s eyes are fixed on the fire and the silhouette that the decoy makes against it. Cam gets right behind the decoy and slams his foot down on it. He grinds it into the dirt with a relish that makes Luther shudder. Then Cam looks at the deer cooking with that lovely smell rising off it, and his eyes go big and shiny. As Cam bends down to pick it up, Luther chooses his moment. He drops like a stone and buries his sword lengthwise in the back of Cam’s neck. The impact sends a jolt up his arms and he hangs on as tight as he can. Cam lets out a garbled scream of pain and collapses face first on the ground. Luther gets to his feet, pulls his sword out with some difficulty, takes a deep breath, and begins to chop.

It’s messy, horrible work. By the third swing tears are rolling down Luther’s cheeks. By the seventh, he’s sobbing. After the twenty-third cut, Cam’s head is finally severed, and rolls to the side. Luther stumbles back. He’s trembling, covered in blood, panting and crying, but it’s finally done. 

And then Cam’s head says, “Wow, kid. I didn’t think you had it in you.” Luther watches, dumbfounded, as Cam’s body sits up, searches around with its hands, locates his head, and puts it back on his shoulders as the flesh knits together again. Luther drops his sword in disbelief. He falls to his knees. That was it. That was all he had. He can’t even imagine what he could do against a foe who can just reattach his own head. 

“Oh,” he says quietly. “Okay. Um. Make it quick, please?” Cam had been planning to crunch the little shit once he was back on his feet, but he can’t help but feel a pang of guilt at how despondent Luther looks.

“Aw, no, no, don’t give up so quick! Really, you almost had me!” Cam scoops him up and pats him on the head. “Look, it was a good effort. I’m sure if you had known I can’t be killed, you wouldn’t have spent all that time and energy trying to kill me. Just do a little more research next time, yeah?" 

"Next time,” Luther repeats, and gives a hollow laugh. “There isn’t going to be a next time. I’m not welcome as part of the royal family if I can’t kill a monster. Even my sister’s done her first slaying already. A whole nest of vampires! And I can’t kill one measly ogre." 

"Hey, watch who you’re calling measly,” Cam warns, but his heart isn’t in it. “Jeez. You’ve got some issues, kid. Not much of a fighter, I take it?" 

Luther shakes his head and sighs. "I’m just not very good at it." 

"Well they chose one hell of a first mission for you, that’s for sure. Ogres are tricky ones. We’ve got a lot of defense mechanisms.” Cam thinks for a moment. “You know what you are good at, though? You’re a good talker. Very convincing. I mean, you really had me going, with the crying and all? It was a really good ruse." 

Luther bites his lip. "Um…" 

"Okay, so it was for real and not a ruse. But you made the best of a bad situation! That’s also a good skill for a ruler to have. You just gotta show your family that your skills are less conventional, but still effective! Like, okay, why do you have to kill me? What’d I do?" 

“You’re eating all the farmers’ cattle and scaring people." 

"I thought free range meant I had free reign. Eh? Eh?” Cam pokes Luther in the ribs. Luther frowns at him. “Oh, fine, whatever. No sense of humor. You know, that’s pretty important for a king too. Yeah, all right, I’ll leave the cows alone." 

"And the sheep,” Luther says sharply. “And the pigs, and chickens." 

"I haven’t eaten any pigs or chickens,” Cam protests. 

“Not yet. I’m being proactive." 

"There you go!” Cam says, beaming. “There’s that negotiator skill! But seriously, if I can’t eat the cows and sheep I’ve got to eat something. Can you make it worth my while? 'Cause I’m not going back to squirrels." 

"Well…” Luther says slowly. “What if… I hire you?" 

"You… hire me?" 

"Yeah. Like, as a bodyguard or something. Then I’d have to pay you, right? I could pay you in food?” 

Cam is quiet for a moment. He brings Luther up closer to his face and scrutinizes him. Luther’s heart is pounding out of his chest. For a moment he thinks he’s made some horrible mistake and offended Cam and it’s all over for him. "You’re serious? Not kidding me, here? That’s your offer?”

“Y-yes? Is that… is it bad?" 

"Bad? Bad? That’s the best offer I’ve ever heard! Pay me in food? HELL yes, kid! That’s what I like to hear!” The force of Cam’s enthusiasm knocks Luther over on his back. He stares at the sky for a moment. His life is so goddamn weird.

~~~~~~~~~

Luther’s father’s dragon slaying days are behind him. He’s an old man now. He has good days and bad days, but even on his best days he frequently needs help getting around. But when he sees that giant ogre enter his royal halls, he reaches for his spear. Luther eases it out of his hand. 

“No, see, it’s okay. I didn’t kill him, but I stopped him terrorizing the countryside, and I kind of… hired him. As my bodyguard. This was easier, and we both benefit, see? Also, um, were you going to tell me ogres are immortal?" 

"You were supposed to figure something out,” his father says. “Since you’re so damned smart." 

"Well, I did figure something out. Just… maybe not what you wanted me to." 

Cam waves lazily. "Hi, Yer Majesty." 

"Cam,” Luther hisses. “We talked about this." 

"Oh, fine, fine,” Cam grumbles, and takes a knee to bow low before the king. “I humbly pledge my service to your son,” he intones, hamming it up just a little. “Please allow me to protect him from all harms, and so on." 

The king glares. His stabbing hand is itching. But he doesn’t currently have a better plan, and this’ll keep the peasants quiet for a bit. "Fine,” he spits, “But you’re taking care of him. Feeding him, walking him, cleaning up after him, whatever. No getting the servants to do it for you. He’s your responsibility now." 

Cam grins at Luther. "So, speaking of feeding… when’s dinner?”

[moonraccoon-exe]

Hello Coon. I hope you’ve been well. I had the most amusing thought, and wanted to share: Do you remember that ATLA episode where they went to watch a play about themselves? In an AU where no one dies or gets thrown off of trains or goes blind... Imagine that in the context of chocobros + Luna, Ravus, Aranea on their way to Zegnautus. - 💚, Amontillado

Dear Amontillado.

This idea alone made me transcend to the ninth heaven. It made my soul detach from my body and ascend to the heavens, it touched the Nirvana, and came back to my body purified and amplified.

This. Goddamn. Genius. Idea.

*SLAMS HANDS ON DESK*

I had to write this. This is one of my most recent asks, but it’s just so genuinely brilliant and gloriously genius, I have this mighty necessity to write it right now aklsjdfklsgj aklsdjsklgj akljalskd ja.

The best part of this is that the main four and Ravus fit SO WELL with some of the ATLA characters, I could write parts of that episode as the script literally goes and it would fit accurately and nicely!!! Hahahahahhaha!!! I hope you’ll find the similarities! ｡ﾟ(TヮT)ﾟ｡

Anyway, a few things to note here for things to make sense,

I picture Ignis did go blind at some point but later recovered. Let’s say we’re following some sort of Verse 2 from episode Ignis but with Lunafreya not dying, lmao.

I’ve made Cor be present too like he should have always been.

Regis and Clarus too because I don’t have the heart to kill them.

Because it’s Verse 2, Ravus has been in the party from before rescuing Ignis (who…let’s suppose they rescued somewhere else prior to Zegnautus. For some…reason.)

Luna’s coming along with them, too.

If at some point you’re reading something and think “is that an Aggretsuko reference?” know that yes. It is.

I goddamn shoved some almost-established Gladnis in here because fuck me, I can’t contain myself, they’re just so genuinely canon askljddkgjdaa

Alright.

Now everybody welcome to,

Final Fantasy XV, Episode 17, “The Gralea Players”.

A.K.A. a parody of ATLA’s famous already-parody episode “The Ember Island Players” adapted to our FFXV dorks plus some extra guests.

Enjoy!!

Everything starts at one of Ravus’ personal places in Gralea that he used to hide away or train. He’s training with Noct, trying to teach him how to defend himself against his lightning arm. Everyone is bored or watching or scattered across the little house.

At some point, Prompto comes in running, and as everyone’s greeting him, someone appears after him.

“Aranea?”

“Hey, dorks.”

Long story short, Prommy stumbled upon Aranea while he was out grocery shopping.

“And she has epic news! Tell them, Nea!”

Turns out Aranea found out that the local theatre prepared and will present a play about Noctis’ journey.

“Hah? Me? But we’re in the empire, why would they make a play about me?”

“Nooooooooct! We have to go! They did research across the globe to write the script, and it involves MTs, hunters, mechs, dogs, and a very knowledgeable merchant of Cup Noodles. Say yes, please, please!!”

No one is pretty convinced. They’re in enemy territory and it would be suicide to throw themselves there where people could recognize them.

But Noctis can’t say no to Prompto’s huge puppy eyes.

So in the end everyone ends up going to this play, “The King of Light.”

At least the title isn’t bad or mocking, but they still try to not get their hopes up. Knowing the Nifs, they may have done something offensive, so they’re mentally prepared for that and just curious.

Later that night, everyone of our team goes to the local Nif theatre, and the show starts.

They enter and get seats on the back as to go as unnoticed as possible.

On the front row, Noctis sits, then Prompto next to him, then Ignis.

As Gladio tries to sit next to him, Ravus unknowingly takes that seat.

“…hey. Uhm. I…wanted to sit there.”

Ravus: “(absolutely oblivious, this DORK) Just sit next to me. What’s the big deal?”

“…no, it’s not- I just wanted…okay.”

The curtain raises to show a representation of the throne room of the Citadel, where we can see the actors of king Regis on his throne, and the four chocobros.

“And so, may you part with my blessing to meet your bewedded, Lady Lunafreya.”

“Yes, your Majesty.”

So far so good. Actor Regis gives his speech and bids goodbye to the four young men.

As soon as Actor-Regis is done, Prompto grabs Noctis by the shoulder and shakes him, grinning from ear to ear and pointing at the actors, then himself and Noctis, then back at the actors, in clear excitement.

Noctis can’t help but smile as well, thinking it kind of cool to see an act about themselves.

And then going “downstairs”, actor Prompto clumsily trips and falls over in a comical way.

The audience laughs.

“What?” Prompto whispers. “That never happened!”

“Haha! My fault! I can be a little dumb!” actor Prompto talks with a slightly annoying voice. “Nocto! Help me up?”

“You, useless thing” actor Noctis says while helping him up. “You’re completely useless and not worthy of being in presence of royalty, but I take you along in this journey to fulfill my journey anyway because you’re funny.”

“The only thing I want to fill is my mouth! I’m hungry!”

The audience laughs again, but Noct and Prompto are petrified in their seats. Noctis turns to look at Prompto worriedly. Prompto later on just pouts and sink in his seat, crossing the arms.

“They make me look like an idiotic failed attempt of a joker! I’m better than that.”

Ravus is chuckling under his breath.

“I think he’s got you pegged.”

Prompto swears Ravus is lucky Ignis is sat in between them.

The actors are displayed walking away of the Citadel, where actor Regis catches up with them.

“Oh my god, he’s going to say the thing I told you, Noctis” Regis is whispering in the row behind.

So far, they depict the scene pretty accurately.

“Omg he’s going to say it.”

Then, actor Regis puts a hand on actor Noctis’ shoulder.

“Oh my god, here it comes”

And actor Regis says,

“Don’t fail, my son.”

“What?”

The gang has to turn around to shush Regis because they’re supposed to not call the attention.

Regis is shrinking and cringing in his seat containing all his screaming.

The scenes go on but the gang can’t hear anything but Regis’ whispered complaints.

“I didn’t say that! I didn’t say that! Oh my god, there is a HUGE difference between Walk Tall and Don’t Fail, the context and intention are entirely different, I didn’t tell him to not fail, that implies so much pressure and it’s not support, it’s an order, I just asked him to be brave and to keep the head up, it’s entirely different from Don’t Fail. Don’t fail. He said don’t fail,what sort of awful father is he oh my god.”

They depict Actor Prompto to have ruined the Regalia by spilling soda all over the wheel in an exaggerated comical motion.

“Fantastic, Prompto! Couldn’t you just shove it in your mouth instead of throwing it all over our electronic modern car?” actor Gladio asks in a SUPER AGGRESSIVE and super deep voice.

“I’m sorry! But I guess now you can call this, Fast Food!”

There’s a drum roll and the audience laughs. Prompto just shrinks more in his seat hiding it in his hands and groaning.

The actors are trying to push the cardboard car.

“WHAT ARE YOU LAZY ASSES DOING, KEEP PUSHING, KEEP PUSHING UNTIL YOUR FEET BLEED AND YOUR MUSCLES CRY OUT IN PAIN!” actor Gladio is screeching everything he says. “FLEX. FLEX THOSE MUSCLES. TODAY IS LEG DAY. GET UP AND KEEP PUSHING! FLEX! PROTEIN! GYM!”

Gladio stares unimpressed.

“I certainly don’t yell like that all the time.”

Ravus is chuckling louder than before, almost near a proper laugh.

“That actor’s got you right, Gladiolus. Stop complaining.”

Gladio just growls.

“NOCTIS. WHERE IS YOUR SPIRIT? FLEX! PROTEIN! KEEP PUSHING!”

Actor Noctis is on the ground.

“I’ll do it later, Big Guy. I’m sleeping.”

“Hey, not true” Noctis complains. “I didn’t sleep. I rested a bit, but didn’t sleep.”

“HEY IGNIS. TELL HIM TO GET UP.”

“Your most estimated superior Highness, Noctis Lucis Caelum, son of Regis, son of Mors, 114th of the name of the Lucis, prince of the kingdom of Lucis, heir to the throne” actor Ignis is saying in an overly exaggerated Tenebraean accent and exaggeratedly pompous. “I shall request, with all due respect, you get up from the place you’re attempting to sleep in and do lend a hand to us commoners, for we don’t have the strength to go on without you. My prince. My liege. My protected. My dear brother and friend.”

Ignis stares unimpressed and sort of embarrassed.

“…I certainly am not that pompous or formal. Even less with my friends.”

Ravus is chuckling again.

We see the guys through Hammerhead and Galdin Quay, through the news of the Fall of Insomnia and back to the place from where they see the destruction, etcetera; overall, Prompto is depicted as a damsel in distress, a klutz that’s always giving bad jokes and tripping over, Gladio is a giant brainless gym dude that keeps yelling, Ignis is an overly formal android, and Noctis is always asleep (even mid-battles, and usually being carried around by Ignis).

They go to meet Cor.

Actor Cor is poker-faced. The entire time. He responds mechanically and in monosyllables. When he joins the fight, he moves like a robot.

The actors go to search for the first royal weapon.

Actor Prompto keeps telling jokes and Actor Gladio keeps bullying him.

Actor Cor only reacts when obligatory.

“They make it look like I’m more dead than a corpse” Cor says. No one in the gang says anything.

…only Regis chuckles a bit after a second and this earns him a glare of embarrassment from Cor.

Inside the dungeon, actor Prompto fainted out of fear.

“Hey, I’m not that scaredy!”

Ravus is still chuckling.

When they depict Noctis getting the first royal arm, the paper prop stabs him in the chest; actor Noctis exaggeratedly shrieks out and collapses.

“Oh no! Is he dead?”

“No. He just likes to nap at 1 o’clock.”

The audience laughs, and our gang is entirely unimpressed.

“…you know, it does hurt a bit when that happens. They shouldn’t joke with that”

Actor Monica leads Actor Noct to the infiltration to open the gates with Cor.

Oh no. They remember this part! The part with the tiny annoying brat of an imperial officer. That very short guy that didn’t shut up.

Oh no. Here he comes. One annoying and tiny…

“Well, wELL! IF IT’S ISN’T COR THE IMMORTAL!”

And suddenly, on stage, appears Actor Loqi….

…he’s a GIANT BOULDER OF A MAN.

LIKE, SO BIG AND SO STRONG. GIANT BUILT-UP ARMS AND BACK AND MUSCLES. THE MAN IS ALL BEEF AND STRENGTH.

“So you survived the Citadel! But you won’t survive what I, Loqi the Great Tummelt, have in store for you!”

“Wait a minute. Wasn’t that guy like…shorter and skinnier than me?” Prompto asks.

Cor is laughing.

He’s having so much fun staring at the scene, holy fuck, you should see him laugh and cover his eyes and mouth while watching this.

The actor chocobros are suffering at the hands of actor Loqi, whose cardboard mech keeps smashing them and tossing them around.

“Get away!” actor Cor is yelling. “This is too dangerous for you! Only I, Cor Leonis, the Immortal, Lucian Marshal, am capable of defeating him! This is a fight that belongs to us and only us! My eternal enemy! My personal opponent! My arch-nemesis! Loqi the Great Tummelt!”

Cor is still laughing so much.

“Who the fuck is that, oh my god, I don’t remember him, who spread the rumor that he was my arch-nemesis, wasn’t he like an inch tall, ahahaha!”

Skip to the travel to Lestallum.

Actress Iris phones actor Noctis.

“Oh, my celestial prince! My hero. My beloved Noctis. I am delighted and my heart is so full of hope and light now that I hear your dear voice and I know you’re alright and alive more than only in my heart. I wait for you, my dear heroic prince, in Lestallum. I shall wait for you however long it takes; the wait will be worth, so long it’s about you, my darling.”

“Wow, that actress is making it look like Iris likes me like, like-likes me, haha.”

The whole gang either stares at Noct in disbelief or just sigh because holy fuck, Iris could smack him in the face with a brick that says “I HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU” and Noctis still wouldn’t notice, this oblivious absolute DORK.

“I know the potential future princess of Lucis and only sister and dear family of Gladio just called to tell us she survived after many days with no notice of her or anyone…but what about instead of going to meet her we go to see the chocobo ranch?”

Lunafreya chuckles.

“Oh my. They really are depicting you guys as idiotic, stupid, childish immature dorks, you would never do such a thing like changing Iris and all your dear ones to go see chocobos first.”

The main four stay quiet and all try to not share any glance and they all go “uh…yeah, haha, that is…definitely right, we-didn’t do that, this- this play is so silly…”

…but Ravus chuckles again.

Ravus knows.

These dorks really did that, lmao.

There’s more about hunts and going into the dungeon in the waterfall cave and etc. Prompto keeps fainting and shrieking and making awful jokes, Gladio keeps yelling and flexing and stopping at random spots to do push-ups, Ignis keeps doing everything almost as if coreographed and on perfect timing, and Noctis keeps sleeping at random times.

There’s no actor Ardyn; no one but the bros have idea that he’s been the one helping. In the play he’s just the “Mysterious redhair hat guy”.

Redhair guy guides them to Cauthess Disc.

Actor Prompto made the tomb collapse, actor Gladio kept destroying boulders with bare hands and carrying an asleep Noctis through it, and actor Ignis just for some reason kept saying “Indubitably” at everything he heard.

For the Titan fight, they used puppets to depict the bros and the MTs and a person disguised in a Titan Kigurumi. This person ended up stumbling and falling midways through it.

They lost the Regalia and everything was fine and accurate to the story until the actor chocobros stOLE A CAR BECAUSE “THEY CAN’T GO ON THEIR FEET SORRY”.

Regis asked Noctis at least twenty times in the next 10 minutes “you really didn’t do that, right? Did you guys really steal a car? Hey Noct, I believe in you but you can tell me in all trust, okay, no worries if you did steal that car. Did you steal a car? Omg Noctis.”

They went to get Ramuh’s blessing.

In the cave, actor Prompto was kidnapped by a giant Naga, and actor Noctis had to rescue him.

Actor Gladio kept throwing giant prop boulders at the Naga and screaming “PROTEIN” while actor Ignis kept balleting around it for some reason.

“…do you ballet, Ignis?”

Ignis’ silence had been enough of an answer, but after a moment of blushing and embarrassment and staring elsewhere he just went with “…I think it’s recreative and helped greatly with developing my flexibility and my muscle weight and strength.”

“So that’s a yes.”

“Yes. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing. I just can’t imagine you in a leotard.”

“And you won’t imagine it, pretty boy, so stop trying.”

That’s Gladio getting a bit jealous over there. He doesn’t want Jerkvus to imagine his Iggy in his precious purple leotard, THAT’S A SIGHT HE’S NOT WORTHY OF >:’(

Actor Noctis saved actor Prompto and carried him in arms bridal style.

“Oh! My hero! I knew you would save me

“Don’t worry, Prompto. Not only did I take you along despite knowing you’re useless because you’re funny, I also took you along because I think you’re cute.”

“O-oh…Noctis-sama…(⁄ ⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄ ⁄)”

“…oh my god they’re making it lo-  no homo, bro, you know that? I mean not that I’d mind but like- no? You know?”

“…yeh.”

They try to infiltrate an imperial base to recover the Regalia, BUT, of COURSE the ALMIGHTY EMPIRE has NO FLAWS and no one can infiltrate there!

THE CHOCOBROS ENDED UP SMASHED AND SHOOED AWAY, LONG LIVE THE EMPIIIIIREEEE!!

The play depicted that the chocobros HAD to use brute force and force a traitor imperial to be able to make it inside.

“Pscht. We did it on our OWN, come on >:(“

Ravus is chuckling.

“Hey, Ravus? Why are you smiling?”

“This is my favorite part.”

No one really knew what he was talking about; what was fun about the guys fighting overpowered imperials and recovering the car?

The actor chocobros recover the car. While talking in there, actor Prompto turns around.

Actor Prompto SHRIEKS OUT IN HYSTERICAL FEAR and then faints.

Actor Ignis has to take him away to protect him. Actor Noctis wakes up.

And so, Actor Ravus comes on in on stage!!!

“…oH MY GOD NO” it’s Gladio finally understanding why Ravus was chuckling and waiting for this. Ravus just laughs darkly again in his seat, satisfied with the Shield’s distress.

He doesn’t even mind that the actor is wearing the SUPER FAKE prosthetic on the wrong arm.

“It has been a very long while, Chosen One. Noctis.”

“Indeed it has, Ravus, Not Chosen.”

Gladio SNORTS and fights a lot with containing a hysterical laugh.

Damn he knows that’s Ravus MOST SORE and fragile spot, so he knows they hit him where it hurts most.

Ravus just frowns and his eyebrow twitches.

Actor Ravus gives a SUPER OMINOUS speech about Noctis not understanding his duty and being unworthy of it. Like SO OMINOUS, it’s worse than Gentiana levels of unintelligibly pompous.

Actor Noctis does complain about him serving the army that’s against Lunafreya.

“I do not serve! I command!”

Actor Ravus SLAPPED THE FUCK OUT OF ACTOR NOCTIS.

Like, no throat grabbing and jerking, HE FUCKING. SLAPPED HIM. LIKE DEAD ON THE FACE.

“Hey, that didn’t happen! That looks more humiliating than what really did happen!”

Ravus is chuckling again.

Actor Gladio gets in the way.

“HEY! NO SLAPPING! YOU SLAP THE TINY DORK, YOU SLAP ME FIRST. IT’S THE AMICITIA WAY! IT’S THE AMICITIA DUTY!” he’s yelling as he’s unnecessarily flexing. “YOU FIGHT HIM ONLY AFTER YOU FIGHT ME!” and then he unnecessarily rips his shirt apart and tosses the pieces to the sides and gets ready to fight.

Clarus chuckles in the row behind them.

“That’s my son.”

“! :D YEH!”

Actor Ravus gets close to him.

“The Shield of the prince. A useless, fragile shield that protects the unworthy and the weaker.”

And, said that, actor Ravus…flicks his forehead.

Actor Ravus. He flicked actor Gladio’s forehead. Flicked it.

And at the touch actor Gladio SHRIEKS OUT AND IS SENT FLYING BACKWARDS AND INTO THE CAR AND PAST IT AND INTO LOTS OF PROPS AND PAST THEM AND INTO THE WALL WHICH HE DESTROYS AND THE WALL COLLAPSES ON HIM, IT’S NUTS.

“…what the FUCK HE BARELY TOUCHED HIM! That’s not- that’s not what happened! Iggy! Iggy, you saw that, right? You know what really happened and it’s nothing similar to this, right!?”

Ignis hesitates.

“…uhm-”

“D: IGNIS!?”

“No! I’m sorry! No, I didn’t mean- what I mean is, it definitely wasn’t like that. You’re right.”

“…yeah…I know…:(“

Ravus snorts and properly laughs under his breath this time.

He has manners enough to contain himself and not burst laughing, but he laughs so much and contains it so much he even has to wipe away some tears of laughter.

“Ah. My favorite part. What a delight. How I wish we could replay that.”

Gladio’s really moody and upset right now, please don’t touch him.

The chocobros have to infiltrate another base, and of course they require of more dirty tricks and brute force to make their way inside.

They follow actor Caligo.

Speaking of which, it’s a young handsome man in his 30’s with Senpai face and a long, silky mane of black hair, giant blue eyes, and a gorgeous voice.

Aranea is cringing in her seat.

Caligo almost defeated them too, by the way. He was IN NO WAY captured or knocked out, he’s an imperial officer, of COURSE he won! The chocobros only won because they summoned a god and everyone knows that’s cheating and doesn’t count.

Actress Aranea comes in!

“FOR THE GLORY OF THE EMPIRE, YOU SHALL FALL!”

“What!? Who said that!?”

Actress Aranea comes into the scene….

F L Y I N G

Actress Aranea is tied to one of those ropes to fly and SHE GOES INTO THE SCENE FLYING, THEN SHE FLIES ABOVE THE PUBLIC, THEN BACK, AND SHE KEEPS ATTACKING WHILE RANDOMLY FLYING INTO THE AIR.

Aranea bursts out laughing.

“Ahahahahahah!! I mean, I do jump very high, but that girl is FLYING! Ahahahahah!!”

Aranea is having a LOT of fun.

Mostly because actress Aranea is SLAYING THE FUCK OUT OF THE CHOCOBROS.

Actress Aranea is super skinny and wearing a pair of fake boobs, but Aranea thinks it’s cool.

And by fake boobs I mean. They’re giant. Giganormous. Anime tiddies.

“Why are my boobs so big?”

“I mean, they wrote the script based on what they heard or what people would tell them, so I guess that’s how people described you.”

“Wow, from all the things people had to look at, they remember me for giant boobs?”

“Aw :( I’m so sorry, Aranea. Women shouldn’t be sexualized like thi-”

“Because damn they’re right, I have to admit my boobs are quite nice! You ever touched them, pretty boy?”

“WhA- NO! WHY WOUL- ARANEA MY DAD IS HERE, NO.”

“Hey, mister dad? Your son touched them.”

“Oh. Really?”

“Yeah, and he’s also seen them in flesh and-”

“ARANEA NO WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU WHY ARE YOU RUINING MY LIFE LIKE THIS.”

Aranea didn’t talk much because she’s entertained watching the play and actress Aranea fly around like a real dragon slaying the boys.

She’s also flirting with both actors Prompto and Ignis all along the fight.

Actor chocobros end up defeated and knocked out on the ground on a pile.

Actress Aranea stands on top of them, with her heel on actor Noctis’ face.

“I would END YOU RIGHT NOW. But you know what, I won’t.”

“Why?”

“Just because. See you later, guys!”

“…is that really how it happened? You could have ended them and didn’t and then you just. Joined them? Just like that?”

“Of course not! I had an interesting arc and character development, if you must know!”

“…so did you really just leave and then joined them for no reason?”

“…yeah.”

The actor chocobros are taking Iris to Caem.

Actress Iris is a VERY tall and SUPER INCREDIBLY HUNK young lady that keeps flexing and screaming PROTEIN along Gladio, and fist-pumping with him while yelling “AMICITIA! AMICITIA! AMICITIA!” like brute gorillas.

Clarus finds it a cute sight and is proud.

“Wow, look at the actress playing Iris!”

“I’m sure that’s a man.”

“Wow, look at the actor playing Iris! He makes her look all beefy and super strong and super scary!”

There’s a long silence.

“Most accurate thing so far.”

Everyone agrees.

Actor Gladio informs he will momentarily leave the party.

“I HAVE BEEN DISGRACED BY THAT DEFEAT IN THE HANDS OF THE ALMIGHTY RAVUS. I AM UNWORTHY OF BELONGING IN THIS RETINUE AND I MUST GO AWAY TO PUNISH MYSELF WHILE AT THE SAME TIME FINDING SOME GROWTH AND SOMETHING TO PUNCH. I HAVE TO GO AWAY TO SPEND A WHILE AT THE GYM BEFORE COMING BACK. DO YOU FEEL ME, BRO? CAN I LEAVE YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF MY LITERAL DUTY TO GO DO PERSONAL STUFF NOW?”

“….ZzZz…Oh? Ah. Yeh. Whatever. Just let me sleep.”

Actor chocobros except actor Gladio get to the ruins in the Vesperpool and they meet actress Aranea again.

“Hey guys! I know I kicked your asses last time but I think I changed my mind, mind if I join you?”

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?! AFTER ALL YOU’VE PUT ME THROUGH, YOU EXPECT US TO LET YOU IN JUST LIKE THAT?! JUUUUUUUST LIKEEEEEEEEE THAAAAAAAT!?!?!?”

“Yes.”

“.___.     Fine.”

“FINE!?”

“Hey, she’s very persuasive.”

(High five to myself for that disney reference *highfive*)

Episode Gladio…. Hasjdjaklf

Actor Gladio spends his time away in the gym and flexing and eating carbs before he goes into a cave to face the Evil Darklord.

(Nobody knows about Gilgamesh, okay, the writers had to make something up).

Cor accompanied him.

“HEY COR. THANK YOU FOR JOINING IN THIS WITH ME.”

“You’re welcome. I’m happy to help in your self-discovery journey, what about we talk about myself?”

“That wasn’t like that.”

Gladio stays quiet and frowning and analyzing it for a bit before he turns.

“…but it was like that, we talked about just you.”

“But that’s because you asked!”

“That’s because you offered it!”

“Wha- no! Why would I talk about myself just like that? You started!”

Basically episode Gladio goes about Cor and Gladio being work-out buddies.

Actor Cor rarely shows any reaction even when he’s being hit in the face.

“Wow…they make it look like I never smile or something…”

Gladio stayed quiet again analyzing everything.

“…but you really didn’t smile.”

Cor didn’t answer.

The actor chocobros go to Altissia, and we get a skip to Lunafreya who receives the news.

“My beloved prince Noctis is coming?” everything is fine. And then- “OH!” then dramatically sobs. “That is…wonderful news! His presence means light. His presence means a savior. His presence…” she sobs and sniffs again, and then she throws herself to her knees, hands to the sky. “His presence…means HOPE! SO MUCH HOPE! Hope for the world!” she sobs louder and throws herself onto the chair. “HOPE FOR EVERYONE!” she lets herself to the floor. “Forgive me if I’m getting too emotional but…this touches my heart and fills it WITH SO MUCH HOPE!”

And so actress Lunafreya burst out into hysterical hyper dramatic tears.

Actor Ravus talks with Actress Lunafreya.

“Lunafr-”

Actress Lunafreya bursts into hysterical tears.

“I can’t go on, brother! The hope! It’s dying and I can’t revive it! I’ve tried for so long to keep it alive, but it’s too much for me anymore! I’m not strong enough! Oh, the hope! You have to carry on with my duty for me, brother; let Noctis know that I love him and that I…I have HOPE IN HIM”

Actress Luna continued crying.

Luna chuckles a bit, but also hides a little behind a hand out of embarrassment.

“Sure I’m not that dramatic…”

Nobody answered.

Skip to the summit with Camelia.

Actress Camelia is far overweight and wearing far too much make-up, almost like a clown.

“You are aware, mister prince Noctis, that Accordo has been under the orders of the empire and loyally serving it for over a hundred years.”

“Yes.”

“As servants to the empire, we’re supposed to do as they tell us; Niflheim does but look for the good of the people. Waking Leviathan will cost the lives of half Accordo and bring destruction to the world.”

“Yes.”

“Let’s DO IT.”

Noctis is groaning in his seat while actress Camelia goes about some fake speech of how she’s betraying “the good guys” for money and etc.

“If only it had really been that easy…”

Skip to Noctis chasing after Leviathan. The imperials are depicted as the good guys that try to stop the destruction by killing Leviathan, and Noctis somehow ends up riding her and laughing like a maniac while guiding Leviathan into destroying half Accordo.

It’s beautiful and bizzarre.

Skip to episode Ignis.

Ignis is ballet-ing his way through Altissia.

He actually looks pretty badass with those pirouettes slaying MTs as he goes, look at that fine young gentleman.

Soon enough he’s joined by Ravus.

“I will destroy you, Ignis Scientia!”

Actor Caligo appears.

“I think your hair is weird!” he says to Ravus.

Actor Ravus looks at Ignis again.

“Never mind that, now I’ll join you, Ignis Scientia!”

Both kill Caligo.

Noctis: “What the fuck was that.”

Ravus: “That didn’t happen.”

Actor Ignis and Ravus slay some MTs before they stop and the atmosphere suddenly gets warm and in dim reddish lights like in a damn burdel.

Suddenly, both get a bit too close to each other.

“Oh, Ravus. I had never seen you from this close before” actor Ignis touches his lips and looks up at him. “I think you’re very attractive.”

Gladio, from his seat, flinches and goes “What?”

Actor Ravus gets some steps away.

“What? We can’t do this. We’re on enemy teams. My heart proudly belongs to the empire” (Ravus ‘pscht’s from his seat) “and rumors have it you’re already dating the Shield of the prince!”

“Gladiolus?” actor Ignis asks, and then he chuckles with some sarcasm. “Oh, Ravus. Don’t be ridiculous. I love him like a brother and just that!”

Gladio was frowning; now his expression just softens in some sort of insecurity, and he’s very attentive on the play.

“So then…you’re single?” actor Ravus asks him, and then he goes back to break the distance between them, and he hugs him with an arm, pulling him close to himself. “Ignis. The man with the beautiful eyes. I will now betray the empire and will swear loyalty to the king of Lucis and help him in his journey…for you.”

“Oh, Ravus…”

“Ignis…”

Both actors proceed to embrace each other and then they kiss.

And they go on.

And on and on.

Actor Ravus may have grabbed actor Ignis by the butt.

The play may have implied that these two slept together during the events of Altissia.

Ravus and Ignis are staring eye-widened and in shock, then they subtly look at each other, then finding the other staring, both look away in absolute embarrassment and burning red in the faces.

Gladio’s really, really upset.

The worst part is that he feels insecure, not jealous, which I think is worse.

Actor Ravus betrayed actor Ignis again and that’s how Ignis ended up kidnapped in imperial hands; then actor Ravus betrays the empire again and joins the actor chocobros to go rescue Ignis.

“I betrayed just ONCE and it was for good. They make it look like I don’t have a position in this and just betray every time things go bad for my team.”

The actor chocobros get the help of actress Aranea to go into Nif territory.

Actor chocobros end up in Gralea to rescue Ignis, who they find dead.

Apparently, Ignis died as result of wearing the ring, when trying to open the gates of the city for the chocobros.

“No! Ignis!”

Actor chocobros + actor Ravus cry for him, until actor Noct uses his magic ring.

“In the name of the moon! Healing magical power of the kings! Hi-yah!”

“…that’s not how you use the ring.”

Prompto laughs.

“They make you sound like a magical girl, dude.”

While using the ring, actor Noctis asked actor Gladio to hold Ignis for a moment.

When actor Ignis comes back alive, actor Gladio yells out

“IGNIS! YOU LIVE! OH, MY DEAR BROTHER! I WAS WORRIED FOR YOU…LIKE A GOOD BROTHER WOULD BE.”

Gladio just “Pscht”s.

Actor Gladio is pushed aside by actor Ravus, who holds Ignis in an over-dramatic over-romantic way.

“Oh, Ignis…light of my new life, star of my new skies, love of my new life…you live…”

“Ravus. I fought to stay alive…for you.”

“Oh, Ignis!”

“Ravus!”

“Ignis!”

These two incoherently start making-out again in front of everyone as the actor chocobros cheer for them or throw petals on them.

This finishes with Gladio’s patience.

Gladio gets up from his seat and leaves; Prommy asks him if he can bring some gummies when he comes back.

Skip to Lunafreya staying behind somewhere “safe” instead of coming along in the journey like a damsel in distress, she cries because she’s back home in Tenebrae and that gives her so much hope.

She’s questioned about Noctis and if she doesn’t want to stop the rituals despite this wearing her out.

We get a flashback of actress Luna in Tenebrae.

Actor Ravus approaches her.

“Lun-”

“OH RAVUS!” actress Luna is hysterically crying again.

Actress Luna went on in a rant about hope and light, crying all the time. Actor Ravus stayed still and frozen like a statue, frowning.

“Just get over that boy, Lunafreya. You’re way prettier than he deserves.”

“…he didn’t say that, Noc-”

“Yes, I did. In other words, but yes I did.”

Savage, Ravus.

“He’s never going to be worthy!”

“After you were proven unworthy, you say that about everyone!”

“SHUT UP, LUNAFREYA!”

“Why are you yelling at me!?”

Ravus sighs in his seat.

“They make it look like I’m totally stiff and humorless, except from the times I’m with Ignis.”

Ignis chuckles. “Actually, I think that actor’s pretty spot on.”

Ravus: “How can you say that!?”

Actress Lunafreya: “I think Noctis is cute.”

Actor Ravus: “HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!?”

Ignis just laughs.

There’s an intermission where the guys mop and complain about the things that aren’t accurate. Aranea is the only one happy with her character. Noctis tries comforting Prompto about him not being useless, Regis talks with Noctis about sleeping during important fights, etc.

“Have you guys seen Gladio?” Ignis asks after a while.

“He went for snacks ten minutes ago and I’m still waiting, bro!”

Ignis decides to go look for him.

Ravus is moping and Aranea goes see what’s wrong.

“What’s with the long face, tough boy? Not enjoying your character?”

“It’s easy for you to not be upset about this. You get a flying badass super strong heroine, but to me this is just a reminder of all the things I did wrong. From wearing the ring to having joined the empire, and things like failing to protect Ignis in Altissia…which they didn’t only rub in my face again, but also manipulated to make it seem like it was because of me that he got captured. It’s telling me how many mistakes I’ve done in my life and how it’s going nowhere. That I should have believed in Noctis since the beginning.”

“Hm. You sound pathetic, Ravus. You know, I don’t think there’s a time to be correct. It took me years before I left the empire, too, and I don’t mop for what I did in the past. I just try to get my present right for once. You should be doing the same. Besides, your sister is watching. I thought you wanted to make her proud; sitting here and mopping won’t get it. You get up and fight for the good causes now. Okay?”

Ravus smiles at her and thanks her, even when he doesn’t really like being lectured.

A random little kid that was chasing after his friend back into the theatre stops and looks at him. Like really looks; stays a while in there just staring.

“Oooh…your Ravus costume is SUPER COOL! But the fake arm goes on the other side!”

Ravus just blinks in disbelief at the child.

While the kid runs away, Aranea stops Ravus before Ravus gets to grab him by the skull, eyebrow twitching and face entirely unimpressed and soul screaming.

While the guys talk, Ignis finds Gladio at a balcony, grumpy and down in the dumps.

“Hey, Gladio? Is anything the matter?”

“This play is stupid. Everything about it is stupid and I don’t like it. Let’s just go back and get out of here.”

“Calm down, Gladio. I know it’s silly and far unrealistic, but it’s not so that you take it this personally.”

“Gods, I’m just- so angry right now…”

Ignis is quiet and doesn’t know very well what to say. More than angry, Gladio looks plain sad. Ignis tries standing next to him to at least let him know he’s there.

“Did you really mean that, Ignis?”

“What? If you could be a bit more specific…”

“Back in the play. You said- that you love me as just a brother. And I…”

“…Gladio? What do you mean?”

“Never mind. Forget it.”

Ignis stays quiet again and they say nothing for a long while. After the long pause, Gladio clearly tries saying something but seems to not know how, but after some attempts he puts the head slightly down and just lets it out.

“…did you really- kiss Ravus? Back in Altissia, I mean…”

“What?” Ignis is taken completely off-guard. But he laughs a bit. “Of course not. The writers just…took me to make me the romantic arc of the story, with the first person they saw, and built an over-dramatic romance.”

“Right, but why didn’t they take anyone else, then? Why Ravus?”

“I know you’re not exactly friends with him, but it’s not so you overreact, Gladio-”

“I just mean it was me who held you in arms after Noctis healed you! Not him! And it was me who carried you outside and looked after you until today…not him…”

“…Gladio-”

“And it was…I just…thought there was maybe something going on between us. But it’s not, is it? You see me as the actor says, as just a brother. Right?”

“…Gladio, it’s just a play. I think…we could talk about us sometime else, okay? When you’re feeling better…if- you wish.”

Gladio is still down in the dumps, and can’t help it, but he knows Ignis is right about discussing this later, so he just nods.

Gladio does think about leaning in to steal a kiss from him, but he really doesn’t want to ruin it, or make a move that may upset or offend Ignis, so he resists.

Secretly, Ignis thought about holding his hand, maybe even dare to reach and kiss him, knowing it’s going to make Gladdy feel better, because yes, Ignis understands his feelings and they’re reciprocate, but he also really wants the moment of confession to be special, so he doesn’t dare make a move.

These two idiots hngh…just- kiss already AAAAHHHHH

Both head back to the play.

This time, Ignis makes sure to let Gladio sit in the seat next to Ravus, so Ignis is sat only next to Gladio.

Ignis also makes sure to throw hints at him by leaning against him and softly resting a hand on his arm across the rest of the play.

It does help Gladdy to feel better. :’3

The story follows the guys making their way through Gralea.

Ignis back then was healed but not fully and hence still blind, and the play didn’t miss that out.

Actor Ignis is going around SLAYING MTs and being a badass.

“Wow, Ignis, we thought you were blind?”

Actor Prommy is waving a hand in front of his eyes.

Actor Ignis is all smirk and then he goes.“I can see you doing that. I can still see, I see everything you see, except I don’t see like you do. I release a sonic wave from my mouth. Like this.”

Actor Ignis turned to look at the others and SCREAMED VERY  LOUDLY.

Like, SO LOUDLY. It’s a shriek. It’s a screech.

Actor Ignis is screaming so loudly, the chocobros, in the LAST row, all flinched and covered their eyes.

Everyone is staring at actor Ignis in absolute terror.

Actor Ignis is still yelling.

After like a whole minute he shuts up.

“There. I got a pretty nice look at you.”

Skip to Nox Fleuret sblings meeting again.

“Lu-”

“I KNOW WHAT MY DUTY IS!!! I KNOW WHAT IT’S DOING TO ME!!! STOP BEING SO CRUEL TO ME, BROTHER!!! YOU’RE SPOILING THE HOPE! THE HOPE!!”

Actress Lunafreya went into a long rant and speech about the hope and lost love for the next ten minutes and then bursts into hysterical tears..

Actor Ravus has been still the whole time staring poker-faced.

Actor Ravus, after the heartfelt, emotional speech, turns over his heels and leaves entirely unimpressed.

“Wow, they make it look like Ravus doesn’t care about you, Luna.”

“….yeah. It…definitely didn’t happen like that….”

Ravus is too scared to look at Lunafreya right now.

….he may….or may not….really have walked away unimpressed leaving her speaking alone….

The play doesn’t offer much other than what Cor is supposed to be doing and the guys making their way through Gralea.

“Well, we’ve reached the present. Guess that’s it.”

“Wait! There’s more!”

The gang is actually pretty curious about seeing what the play theorizes will happen in a future.

The scenography shows some creepy place.

“It’s in Zegnautus! There’s the imperial keep where the throne chamber is” Aranea informs the chocobros in a whisper.

Suddenly…ACTOR ARDYN COMES IN.

The chocobros all DAMN FREAK OUT AT HIS MENTION LIKE ZOMG THE MAN THAT’S MADE THEIR LIVES IMPOSSIBLE, they’re triggered even if they know it’s just an actor.

Actor Iedolas sits at the throne.

“My emperor!” actor Ardyn says as he bows before the emperor. “The Lucian prince and his friends have finally arrived here, in Zegnautus keep.”

“You’ve done well, Chancellor Izunia. They’re falling right in our hands, and on free will.”

“You were wise at advising we opened the doors for them. Our security is impeccable and they wouldn’t have been able to infiltrate or attack on their own.”

“You are not questioning me like that traitor of Nox Fleuret always did with my commands.”

“That’s because I have no doubts that you know what you’re doing and that you’ll be able to receive our guests as is deserved.”

Actor Prompto died at the hands of a random MT.

Prompto is pale and pretending he’s fine but you can see his soul abandoning his body in anxiety.

Actor Gladio died at the hands of Ravus because Gladio got angry at Noctis and tried to murder him and Ravus tried to save the day.

Actor Ignis died protecting Noctis from a valiant attack by the Chancellor.

Ravus couldn’t handle the loss and killed himself hugged to Ignis.

Noctis took the sword from Ravus and chased after the Chancellor alone.

Noctis arrives to the throne room.

“Emperor Iedolas! My sworn enemy!” Noctis says valiantly while swinging his sword in cool movements and pointing at the emperor. “I demand you give me back the Crystal that is by right mine! Give me back my source of power, you, greedy old man!”

“Greed? You think that what I want is the power that radiates from the Crystal?” the emperor asks him. “You, fool! I’m trying to save the world and the righteous people that live in it! You Lucians have kept the Crystal selfishly for yourselves all this time, not sharing it with anyone. We did steal it, I admit, but it’s for a greater cause! It’s for a bright and peaceful future!”

“Lies! I won’t listen to you! I don’t care about the future of the world, I only care about the future of my kingdom! Give it back!”

“You shall take it from my dead hands only.”

“So, I shall do!”

Suddenly, actor Noctis and actor Iedolas get into a frantic and pretty cool battle.

Someone in backstage is using mirrors and led lights to recreate Noctis’ armiger.

Actor Noctis is also tied by the waist to make some of his warps and big jumps.

“Fire spell! Hi, yah!”

The props are pretty decent, making a smoke bomb explode, or throwing random “snowflakes” when he uses blizzaga, etc.

Actor Noctis jumps around, armiger activated, the royal arms flying around, and Iedolas somehow manages to dodge and move away, and sometimes he counterattacks, it’s a frantic and pretty epic battle.

They reach a point where Actor Noctis stops on a side of the stage and Iedolas in the other. A prop of the Crystal “floats” in the back and in the middle.

Actor Noctis goes

“Oh, powerful Crystal that chose the Lucis two thousand years ago! Crystal that chooses the righteous and the fair, the good and the powerful, I claim your aid and ask you to finish this unworthy traitor of the gods!”

Noctis moves up in his seat, interested, and smiling all full of innocence and hope.

The “Crystal” suddenly starts gleaming.

Prompto shakes Noctis by the shoulders, as excited, and both boys watch happily.

The “Crystal” suddenly envelopes actor Noctis in its light.

The chocobros are all smiles and happiness while watching the moment, and then-

“Wh-what is happening…!? No….nooooo!!!”

Actor Noctis suddenly IS CONSUMED BY BLUE FIRE.

The light that previously surrounded him turns to blue papers that tornado around him, consuming him.

“AAAAAGHHHH!!! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! What is happening!? Why is the Crystal not giving me its power!? Why is it BURNING ME!?”

Suddenly, the previous lights go to cover and circle around actor Iedolas, who spreads the arms and looks up as if in divine realization.

While actor Noctis burns, actor Iedolas goes to give a speech.

“The Crystal…it has given me its approval!! I have been chosen as worthy!”

Actor Iedolas turns to look at actor Noctis and throws the arms of armiger at him, while actor Noctis still “burns”.

“The Lucis may have been worthy two thousand years ago…but not anymore! Their time has ended, their kingdom has fallen! They let their ego grow too much believing themselves superior only for being the safekeepers of the Crystal…but not anymore! The times change, and so does the choice of the gods, and this time, we have been chosen! We, Niflheim, are the new and righteous chosen of the Crystal, new warriors and safekeepers of it, we have been given the power that belongs to us, the superior race! And as the first emperor of the Crystal era, I have been chosen to eradicate the past, and finish the traitors of the gods, the Lucis Caelum! Your line ends here!”

“Nnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!”

There’s a whole show of lights and FIRE that comes out of nowhere and the endless armiger and dramatic music.

Actor Noctis ends up consumed and dead. The actor subtly-but-failed crawled out of the stage while actor Iedolas took the spotlight again and cheered for Niflheim.

Suddenly, the WHOLE audience goes HYSTERICAL and they break into loud clapping and cheering.

It’s a MESS of noise and “Yes!” and whistling, it’s chaos of joy in the theatre.

Except in the section where the good guys sit.

They’re all frozen and stare eye-widened at the stage.

Then, everyone simultaneously and in dead silence turns to look at Noctis.

Noctis is sat there, arms-crossed as he last was, eye wide, and face pale, and he’s whole frozen.

They spent like that like a whole minute before Noctis realizes he’s been observed.

“…I….hadn’t thought of that possibility….”

Long story short, our gang ends up exiting and leaving for their current hideout, all trying to make of this a not big deal.

“Eh, it’s not even a good script.”

“Yeah, it’s full of holes.”

“I didn’t even like it that much anyway.”

“You’re right. Absolutely pointless.”

And they never watched that play again.

*music*

*ending screen*

*credits roll*

[theusualspotcafe-blog]

Tales of a Desert Life

Game: Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy XV

Characters: Prompto, Ignis, Sora, Noctis, Roxas, Ventus, Vanitas, Gladiolus, Xion, Luna

Pairing: Promnis

Rating: Everyone

Author: The Usual Spot Cafe

Word Count: 1583 Words

Notes: Just a simple little story introducing more Al Bhed culture and the Carnival is coming to town! I know there isn’t really a set like time frame for this Au but bear with us here lol

Prompto gasped a sharp intake of breath and rushed over to the campus bulletin board, dragging his boyfriend behind by the hand making the normally graceful Ignis stumble. “Oh. My. Ramuh!”

“Good lord darling! What’s the buzz?”

Prompto reached out and reverently brushed his fingertips against a bright yellow flyer. “The Moogle Chocobo carnival is going to be in town! Next week! We have to go!”

Ignis smiled softly at him, “okay we will, but first we need to ace Professor Izunia’s exam tomorrow.”

Prompto groaned and hung his head, “do we have to?”

“Yes, we do. Now march mister, onward to our study group!”

Prompto groaned again as Ignis began pushing him towards the café where Ignis’s now mandatory large study sessions were held. Honestly the man was a better teacher than a lot of the professors here… not to mention a better slave driver. They made it to the café quickly, greeted by a heavenly scent of coffee and baked goods. Most people avoided the café on Wednesdays because of how large the groups study session was. Nearly everyone ate dinner together here and helped each other out. It was nice for Prompto and those from Destiny Islands especially since it reminded them of being back there and feeling that close familiar feel. Today the atmosphere was more relaxed since it was the beginning of a new semester. You could tell it was more relaxed because barely anyone had their books out and instead Ventus had a ukulele in his hands and was strumming on it quietly. Accompanying him was Vanitas on his black acoustic guitar, Sora with his wooden flute, and even Roxas on the Ocarina. Yes, Roxas was a total dweeb who learned the Ocarina, and yes, Namine could play a harp like no one’s business.

Most of everyone was watching them joke around and play music while the others were lazily sitting about, enjoying a false sense of calm. When Ignis and Prompto walked in they all looked up, Xion’s eyes grew wide.

“The jig is up! Iggy’s here! Grab your books!”

Ignis held up his hands in surrender. “Hold on! If you don’t need to study you don’t have to! However, don’t distract those who do need to study, looking at you Noctis.”

“Hey! I need to study! I swear I’m going to kill Izunia...”

Sora pulled the flute away from his lips, “aren’t you related to him Noct?”

Noctis narrowed his eyes, “what? No? What are a you, medieval jester? What’s with the questions!? And the flute!?”

Gladio chuckled as Noctis buried his face in his study guide, “ignore him Sor. Izunia is like his uncle twice removed or something, it’s weird I wouldn’t think about it too much. Though I am curious about the flute.”

Luna sighed happily, “I’m just curious as to how all of you can play so wonderfully.”

Ventus stopped strumming for a moment, looking up with serene blue eyes. “In Al Bhed culture, music is really important so our mother taught us a lot of instruments along with Al Bhed songs. That’s mostly what we play, Prompto usually sings when we play during our desert trips.”

His friends and Ignis looked up at Prompto shocked while his cousins snickered together evilly. “Dudes! Did you just throw me under the bus!?”

Instead of answering the four boys just went back to playing a jaunty desert song. Ignis turned to Prompto with a raised brow, “I didn’t know you could sing Prompto…”

Prompto just grumbled and threw his bag down on the floor, “it’s nothing special.”

“Perhaps you should show us?”

Prom glared at Luna across the table, “not now Lu. I don’t feel like singing and we’re not on a pilgrimage so I can’t sing some of the songs.”

“Why not?”

Prompto sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “it’s not something you can just sing whenever… a lot of them are like prayers for a safe journey and whatnot.”

“Safe journey?”

Vanitas stopped playing and scrutinized Prompto. “Have your really never told them what a pilgrimage is Prom? That’s like the most important thing our people do.”

Prompto groaned, “dudes I just have never told them okay? It’s a weird religion thing.”

“It’s not religious! It’s more of a… tribal thing.”

Noctis frowned, “if it’s not religious then what is it?”

Now Roxas put down his Ocarina, “it’s like… a birthing ritual. Like when we go through the pilgrimage we are cleansing ourselves of anything that isn’t from the desert and pure to be reborn as a member of the desert. Some people even will do it as a marriage proposal, kinda symbolizing that they accept your culture and wish to be a part of it.” He put the Ocarina back to his lips and began playing again, falling into note alongside Sora again.

Ignis hummed thoughtfully, “that’s rather interesting. I always forget your father is Al Bhed Prompto.”

“Adoptive father but yeah, he’s from Leha’s sister tribe so we would always pass each other on the pilgrimage.”

Luna leaned forward excitedly, “why aren’t the tribes together?”

“The tribes are separated because we swap villages for a day and leave presents for the original villagers. The southern tribe, my tribe, goes to the northern tribe, the Strife tribe, and vice versa.”

Sora stopped playing for a moment, “that’s the cleansing.”

“Going from one end to the other?”

Prompto coughed, “well geez guys it does take a week to get from one village to the next, it’s pretty cleansing if you ask me.”

Ventus chuckled, “we also pray at each oasis, each one representing an astral. You should see Prompto in his prayer clothes, it’s a sight to behold.”

Prompto squawked, “you four better not show them that! You better not!”

The two sets of twins looked at each other before smiling sweetly at him and speaking in unison. “We wouldn’t dream of it Prommy.”

Prompto muttered something at them in Al Bhed as Noctis shivered. “Still creeps me out when you guys do that.”

They just grinned at him before going back to their music. Prompto narrowed his eyes at the large group, but upon seeing that none of them were asking him anymore questions he finally settled down and pulled out the same study guide Noctis was holding.

Ignis leaned closer to him, “my Al Bhed is a bit rusty… did you just call them a rusty pile of dung?”

Prompto snorted, “what? No! I called them a dirty rip off of Aladdin. Where did you get rusty pile of dung?”

Ignis looked slightly mortified as he stared ahead, “I have no idea… perhaps next semester those are the classes I should sign up for.”

“That sounds like a good idea Igs, hey that means that I could be helping you then!”

Ignis smiled fondly, “indeed it does.” They fell into silence as Ignis began helping Prompto and Noctis prepare for their exam, pointing out questions they would get wrong now and then. The silence, minus the light desert/ islander style music coming from Strifes, lasted for awhile until it was broken by Kairi.

“Hey Sor? Is Dad bringing chocobos up for the carnival?”

Sora pulled his flute away, shaking his head, “not this year. While he was visiting us we had a new hatching so he can’t leave them.”

“Aw! Baby chocobos!”

Prompto frowned at the boys, “what!? How will I get to see Lea or Reggie or Chocobutt this year?”

Ventus shrugged, “visit the islands more often?”

Prompto stuck his tongue out at Ven, as Noctis rolled his eyes at the names. “Chocobutt?”

Ignis raised an eyebrow, “here I thought you would be more concerned about the bird named after your father.”

“Wait what?”

Vanitas looked up, his face an expression of confusion. “Dad’s old friend Reggie? He’s Noct’s dad?”

Gladio nodded, “yeah! That’s what my dad and Uncle Cor call him. I actually distantly remember a third bodyguard…”

Ventus snapped his fingers in realization. “Oh yeah! Dad worked as a guard for a big company after he lost his leg! It was the last year we spent in Insomnia… well mom dad and Cloud.”

“And your dad… named a chocobo after him?”

“He said his feathers and stern eyes reminded him of his old friend. I don’t know, dad’s kinda crazy.”

Sora smacked Ven on the arm lightly, “don’t say that Ven! He’s just… eccentric.”

“So, crazy?”

“Don’t be an ass!”

Prompto groaned, “if you guys are going to argue then leave cause I really gotta study for this exam.” He bent back over his papers, his eyebrow twitching.

The others fell silent until Sora mock whispered to the group, “we should all go to the carnival together next week.”

There was a chorus of excitement the swept over the group until Ignis cleared his throat.

“The carnival is next week and we will think about it then, but for the moment you all need to study, so hop to it. You four included.” He pointed to the musicians who groaned in response and put away their instruments, getting their books out instead. The group finally fell quiet, making Ignis smile in relief as he leaned over Prompto, helping him for a moment before being pulled over to help someone else. Ignis went on autopilot as he helped the large group, his mind drifting to dreaming about going to the carnival with his favorite guy and earning enough medallions to get the best seat for fireworks.