#(bc we don't get out of the house much—esp me + our kid)

[blurred-antics]

my partner told me yesterday about a guy who apparently cooks burgers every Sunday and invites everyone he meets to come over and enjoy. like just does it for fun. which sounds really cool and i was like hell yeah we should go!

and then my partner adds that the guy also used a racial slur casually and had a vast number of religious symbols all over his property 🫠

[siarven]

QUESTIONS FOR 15 FRIENDS

It's been ages since I got tagged in sth like this?? Thank you very much @zbdragons :DD (Also I want to see your dragon arts??) (also sorry I forgot this in my drafts for a hot second dklldk)

ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?

I don't think so? My parents chose my birth name bc they liked the sound. My chosen name chose me lmao. I want to keep the masc version of my birth name around as second name, but I think it's less bc it's related to my old name and more bc I like the sound of it, and it makes Mama happy :>

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?

Not sure! It was probably at a fictional story? ive managed to fix my mental health enough to no longer have regular crises :') <3

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

nope, don't ever want any either

WHAT SPORTS DO YOU PLAY/HAVE YOU PLAYED?

started out with gymnastics when i was ~6 (probably bc baby me started climbing street lights bc our trees were too smol xD), then switched to tennis due to external circumstances and stuck with it until I moved for uni. Here the distances are all much bigger so going everywhere by bike was enough daily sports (30-40km/day), but then the pandemic happened. Now i have dumbbells and a yoga mat in my room and do stretches and (body)weight things most days bc all my 'things why i need to leave the house' are 25+km away. i am ok with going 20km one way but not more than that xD

DO YOU USE SARCASM?

sometimes! depends on the people. i did it sooo much around my brother when i still lived at home, but these days i think it's gotten pretty rare

WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?

vibes, i think? Are You Potentially Friend Shaped? :333

WHAT’S YOUR EYE COLOUR?

hazel/somewhere between green and brown depending on the light

SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?

happy endings... i like scary things, but i dislike most horror films. they have the wrong horror vibes xD

ANY TALENTS?

i am good at learning music by ear + play flute and piccolo very well (this is prob bc Mama taught me how to learn music at a young age). It's so nice to have One Thing I am not self conscious about, esp bc it isn't tied to money or anything. These days it comes fairly effortless and I love playing and learning new pieces, and bc my orchestra appreciates me I get to play piccolo + solo parts too. I also used to be very good at singing but i am on hrt now and idk how that's gonna develop xD

I also write stuff and draw things and I do the drawing thing professionally/plan on doing so, at least (rn it's just small things on the side and wouldn't pay the bills). But neither feels like a talent bc everyone I started out with was better at it than me when we were kids. They just stopped doing it. Idk. Success through persistence and spite... both my art and writing feel extremely average (derogatory) most of the time, but I guess we will see if i manage to succeed anyway dklldkd

WHERE WERE YOU BORN?

Hannover (Germany); moved away for uni

WHAT ARE YOUR HOBBIES?

flute/piccolo in my orchestra; going for walks with my camera; wildlife photography; hiking; learning about nature and the names of animals and plants + trivia; writing/reading fantasy books; watercolour painting; reading and watching good stories of any genre tbh; reading/watching nonfiction things on nature/history/paleontology/humanity. Wanna learn ALL

DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS?

no :( but my flatmate has a snake! his name is momo and i love him!

HOW TALL ARE YOU?

173cm

FAVOURITE SUBJECT IN SCHOOL?

history (bc of the teacher); english (the years my teacher was good); art (surpriseee /j)

DREAM JOB?

concept artist for stories with heavy (fantasy) worldbuilding; illustrator (I do that already as a freelancer but it would not pay the bills). Also I would love love love to be a published author but in my head the art and writing side of things are kinda deeply related, so both pls

tagging @ettawritesnstudies @corishadowfang @lady-redshield-writes @raiswanson @kittensartswriting @monika-in-wonderland @tundra-tiger @unfocused-overwriter @big-urchin-energy @antignocchiphase @mando-ah-damn if any of you want to (no pressure), and also anyone else who wants to, I don't remember anymore who is doing tag games xD

[messrsbyler]

Okay, on byler: who is the more polite of the two? Like. They’re both judgey af, but who is more obvious about it & in what situations? Does one of them kick the other under the table when they go too far or is it a united front thing? How does Will react to mike’s dad saying dumb bs at the dinner table? How does MIKE react? Does ted even know they’re a couple? Does karen? What’s holly’s stance on byler lol?

Srry for multiple questions in an ask! Have a nice night, & happy holidays if you’re currently celebrating!

i reaaaaally think will gets the image of being more polite, not because he's not sassy and sarcastic and rolling his eyes 24/7. but will knows all about timing while mike doesn't. will is more of a quick jabs when they aren't looking and mike is more of a let's scream right before we attack to blow our cover.

both of them kick each other under the table but because of what i said before, will gets to do it more bc again, mike needs to practice timing. he is easier to make explode and to be loud about his sarcasm and sassiness and will more times than not has to keep him on check with a quick kick under the table.

i think will would painfully offer a polite smile whenever ted says stupid bullshit, grabbing his fork tight and biting his tongue to not say anything. mike is the kind that explodes like he saw in s1 when he said "i'm the only one acting normal! i'm the only one who cares about will!" and then he storms out. but i also think will is clever and when he gets older he learns to slip in a couple of passive-agressive comments, all well aimed, that leave ted tripping not sure if this kid just offended him or not.

about ted knowing, my ongoing joke is that he's always known about byler and already think they are a couple lmao but in reality i don't think he knows and i don't think neither of them are inclined to tell him since we all know about ted's political views and all. i think karen knows, esp bc i think (and want) karen will be finally involved in the supernatural plot next season and once you enter all that mess let's be honest... how are you still going to be homophobic with all the horrors and the real awful things you've seen? sure, maybe karen will have a bit of a hard time adjusting to the idea first, but she'll get there. also bc i hc her as being a closeted lesbian that fell under the pressure of heteronormativity and who back in her cheerleader days in high school used to have a crush on joyce maldonado hehe.

holly thinks byler are dating already. she just assumes as much lmao if you asking me in canon tho, i think holly is young enough to unlearn the few things she's already learned about homophobia along with karen. my hc is that she simply assumes byler are boyfriends already lol anyhow she would love them bc will is her favorite from the party (after mike ofc) and now will is around the house a lot more so holly wins.

loved answering all of these and I AM SO SORRY FOR TAKING LITERALLY HALF A YEAR TO REPLY AAAAHHH-

[satocidal]

Honestly, having older siblings is the best feeling. Especially when there's a big age gap. Or so worked for me

Bcs I would have been hella annoyed by someone younger and I would have caused a nuclear war if my siblings were close to my age lol

And while being the last one home and seeing the fallout and parents getting older and not having as many cool memories with my parents as my siblings bcs my parents are already out of their partying era

I'm glad to have my siblings (cause I've got both a brother and a sister)

Bcs just them can actually understand how ridiculous my parents are sometimes and they're also putting in points for me and talking with our parents when things are becoming ridiculous in their behavior regarding me

I do admit we're not exactly the classic type pf sibling relationships either. Like, they're half parenting half sibling many times. For example, my brother set the standard for the men in my life and he won't hesitate to have a big talk with whoever swoops me off my feet, lol

My sis is also quite a model to me. Strong, independent and in a happy marriage. People also tell us we resemble a lot, even when just talking and honestly, I can hear her voice in mine sometimes (when I'm scolding her kids especially)

It's also funny bcs I'm the well behaved child as my siblings did a lot of stuff, especially my brother. And trust me, I've done my fair share of bullshit.

It's interesting to see both of my siblings in myself. Even my parents see it and sometimes they're pissed about it, lol. But my siblings were the one to take me out, they were the ones (and still are) I went to for emotional support, for gossiping, for many things I should be able to tell my parents but didn't feel like I could. My siblings did raise me in some parts. And being raised by millennials as a gen Z is really fuckin cool.

I'm lucky my parents don't mind me not telling them everything as much as I tell my siblings. Esp my mother. She understands I don't feel comfortable telling her some things and always reminded me I can talk with my sister or brother.

When I lost my glasses in the sea my brother was the first one I called for example. When I get sick or do stupid things I call my sister for help to solve the situation.

When mom asks me, I just say by habit I'm fine. At most wait until I get back home to talk a bit about the stuff that happened to me and how I many times get emotionally exhausted and need back my dose of hugs, which I don't get while staying at the dorms.

So yeah, having older siblings is really cool. (both of them would drag someone through hell for me lol)

~🦊

No I get it because I’m like not comfortable with anyone at my house on that sense to tell them everything, I do rant to my sister about random stuff but that’s that. I mean idk I probably have that idea every glorified but it must feel nice and safe but eh

Now idk if it’s some issue I have lmao but yes I do always crave that sort of older sibling thing and you described everything I’ve wanted lmao

[woozi]

henlo yza beloved <33

it's been the same for me 😭 how is april even ending like? i am still in my 2023 just started zone, i've been on autopilot mode tbh, also on purpose avoiding the dates lmao because i don't want to perceive the real time (if that makes sense). i'm so glad and proud of you btw <3

" maybe writers didn't think they'd get that far " CRYINGJSJSDJSK 😭😭 they're just like me then <3.

love how we're so alike <3 because i also don't vibe with the revenge type of media too much, nothing is exciting drama wise this year. trying out classics sounds fun, which ones did you watch? i would love to know <3 AND ALSO SAME I'VE BEEN WATCHING MOVIES SM THIS YEAR, it's surprising to me because i used to be like 'i am not a movie person' turns out i just didn't know how to look for what i really vibe with 😭. i've been trying to watch more slice of life-esqe movies these days, i highly recommend canola ( 2016, korean movie) and also a not so slice of life movie, unlocked. i checked it out because of im siwan skjsksks and ended up wishing for him to not come on screen throughout 😭 ( just bit of warning it's creepy and scary </3 ).

i truly get you </3 hope you get will to read soon <333 it's not a solution but i try to read even just 2 pages whenever i feel like my reading block is out. been reading a book like this since feb djsjsksk ( finally at last few chapters lmao ) i just tell myself slow reading is a thing and don't think too much of it.

sorry bss - second wind. i am now friends with seventeen and fml <3 I AM SO HAPPY YZA <3 i didn't know i needed a song based on dragon ball z this bad lmaoo ( i have zero clue about dbz btw, i was a pokemon - digimon kid) but i get woozi, if i was an artist i too would make all songs about my hyperfixations

i love the song, album and them esp woozi 😭. coups wasn't joking around when he said woozi will shine this cb. they all did tbh.

last two days were definitely the second highlight of this year after bss album for me. it's been so long since i got to be in the whole cb fanfare with anticipating teasers till cb day checking out the music. ( i still have to sit down and listen to the album with lyrics. i first listened to album then read all lyrics next day jsdkks haven't gotten time to both together yet ) i really liked everything about this cb and i love that for me. saur excited for the fml mv too. also today is woodz comeback i'm excited about that too it's been long since i heard new music from him

i've been annoying my friend since caratland about woozi (we both watched it together) 😭 now i think this cb cemented woozi as a bias wrecker for me. sorry that got too long i am just rambling same thing atp.

which ones are your top 3? mine atp are fml, super and idubilu ( yesterday third one was dust dhsjjs ) tell me your thoughts about cb hehe very curious about it

i haven't seen the carat day live either, just watched it through twt clips jdjdks ( i can't watch actually because the app hates me 💀 it doesn't load anything on wifi for me since last year )

ikr <333 plato's been my place to cool down fr. rules about ludo +#(#)#)2 the rules about ludo are that there are no rules 😭 they keep changing locally too. differs from person to person i think. i grew up playing with '6 is the only number which will give you chance to come out of the house' rule, nothing else. feel free to text on disc we can arrange time and date to play 🥰🤍

thank you for taking time out of your life to hang out with me it means a lot, i enjoy your company 🥺🤍. i hope you're taking care of yourself mentally and physically despite the busy schedule 🫂 i love you 💌 sending the best and peaceful days your way my yza <3

MA CHERIEEEEEEEE 🌷🌹🌼🌸💐🌺🌻

same </3 and no bc… how are we finishing a quarter of the year already,,, i also feel like we're just beginning 2023 😭 ALSO SO VALID?????????????????? also not to be morbid, but it just feels like we're accelerating to our deaths atp LMFAOOO

it's literally like,, watching sumn to stress on 😭😭 what is the pOINTTTTTT???? maybe other people wanna live vicariously through those characters but i just want a lil silly plot </3 just some people being nice and happy we already have enough bad shit irl!! the most memorable one that i've watched lately was the truman show!! (WHICH IS INSANE TBH BC LITERALLY A FEW DAYS LATER THE SVTEENIES DROPPED THE FML TEASER WHICH HAD SO MANY REFERENCES TO IT JKFJKGJK) AND URE SOOOOOOOO VALID TBH DFHJFDH we really are so much alike 😭 ALSO LOVE THESE RECCS OMGGGGGGGGG thanks for contributing to my list <33

slow progress is much better than no progress <3 love how u intentionally try to get back to hobbies, that is good for the soul 😋

ALSO MADE ME LAUGH FJDHJDFHFJDDF this album really is woozi-coded 😭 from the dbz references, the mv itself… he's SOO,,, and the amt of woozidans now,,, i'm gonna have to fight for my life buying tickets now LMFAOOOO ALSO COOL OMG <#3333333333 my cousin was also a digimon kid, but i wasn't so i don't actually know anything about it 😔

FELT TOO OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG i also have forgotten how busy cbs are (especially svt ones tbh) so it was also such a fun experience for me <3 ALSO LOVE HOW U REALLY TAKE UR TIME TO READ THE LYRICS!! more than the vibe and music itself it really is a crucial factor to consider when looking at the whole package <3 AND AGREED!!! i also really liked everything (sans the office photos jfdjkfdjfdk, BUT I LOVEDD the group teaser one bc of the table lol, just feel like we've seen enough office concepts from them and wished they spiced it up a lil but i get how it fits into the whole fml thing). AND PLEEK OMG I DIDNT KNOW?????????? i should've realized that he also had a cb when i saw the tiktok w vernon 😭 the way u open new paths for me every time is so <33

AND PLEEEEEEEEEEEK i'm glad more people are realizing his actual Power <3 he really was so fluffy during caratland wasn't he? 🥺

mine also changes a lot kjfgkjgjk but ms fire will never be dethroned from the no 1 spot <33 rn my 2 other faves r super and dust <3 i previously word vomited on al about that here if u wanna hear more abt my comeback related bs LMFAOOO

ALSO PLS KJFKJDDJK NOT THE NO RULES 😭 and that's so interesting 👁 AND YOU'RE ALWAYS SO SWEET PLS </333333333333333333333333333333 i will actually cry n throw up thank u for always investing time on me </3

AND OFC </3333 I SHOULD BE THE ONE SAYING THAT!! also tried my best but i've been sick for the past 6 days lmfao 😭😭 hope you're staying well and safe on the other hand <3 ily ma cherie <3333333333

[tinystepsforward]

you know what i may as well talk about this openly. at my last therapy session my therapist and i dug into some pretty gnarly mommy issues stuff, and honestly it sucks to know that on some level i do still want her approval. i want to knit her a laceweight shawl for her 60th birthday and have her be proud of me and grateful. but the thing that will happen if i knit her a laceweight shawl for her 60th birthday is that she will show it off to her conspiracist and/or extremist christian fb friends and brag about me (while, obviously, deadnaming and misgendering me) for 30 seconds, and never mention me again bc she is deliberately pretending not to have an openly gay and trans eldest child. the thing that will happen is she will take it as proof that i can still be saved, bc i am still tethered to the family. that god has put me in her path as a stumbling block to make her faith stronger, but not a permanent one.

and like. she cannot physically hurt me, at this point i have well over twice her strength and even at 4'11" i have at least a good five inches on her. i am 28 fucking years old. i have made peace with my family and tolerated all kinds of bullshit for the last decade bc i need to be allowed to see and have contact with my siblings, and one of them is a disabled adult dependent who is unwilling or unable to assert their agency. and who is also, while closeted for obvious reasons, trans and unable to do anything about it or even think about it too hard while living in that house.

why am i so scared? trauma, probably, but childhood physical abuse is outside the scope of this post. i'm also scared bc when i got kicked out i had to leave my siblings behind. and i don't want to do that again. i'm scared because my parents are planning a trip back to singapore and malaysia to see extended family for my mother's 60th and i want to reconnect with extended family, but there is no feasible way to let them see who i am now if i continue to let my parents set the tone for all our interactions, and control what i do and don't say. any plan to live a little more of my truth, even if it's just talking to my siblings about the fact that i genuinely would prefer if i never had to interact with my parents irl ever again, involves stressing other people out, and potentially creating conflict that will affect others in worse ways. bc i got out! and they haven't.

i think i maybe need to have extremely uncomfortable conversations with my cousins back home (to see if they'll have my back) and my siblings and first of all with my therapist before we get to any of that but like. i'm so tired. this stuff guts me every time on a level that even my csa trauma stuff doesn't. i guess as a kid esp one with so much bad shit happening outside the home you just want home to be safe and good. and it wasn't, and i knew it wasn't already. but some part of me still hopes that it will be one day, and it never will. and the fact of being who i am means that i will be in conflict with them, even if i smooth over everything about me. and i'm tired.

taking bets on how long i'll be able to continually either a) avoid my mother or b) answer her questions about what's happened to my voice, every time she notices it, with "allergies" or "i've been having nosebleeds" or something even more nonsensical

[horce-divorce]

i have my Big appt w the Gender Doctor tomorrow... I've already had my letter and my "diagnosis" (fun fact: they actually asked me if it was ok to diagnose me w dysphoria or w/e, they seem to be aware of the controversy around pathologising language) as well as gotten my levels checked.. i am pretty sure this is the last thing is this big visit where he has to explain everything incl needles, get my consent, and all that shit

soooo... I think im about to start T????? scrreeeeee

lil rant about my nervs under the cut

im very nervous, more about my pharmacy & my family than anything actually related to T. ive had issues w the pharmacy just trying to get my birth control and normal meds (like they'd give me my meds but would straight up "forget" my birth control... very relevant: we have about 100 fundie churches in this town and some actual bona fide fundamentalists cults as well. its not a large town). plus theyve been constantly understaffed and have taken up to a week to fill my scripts. my friend a few towns over gets his stuff from WG and sometimes they give him the wrong needle sizes which seemingly is smth that happens to trans folks a lot... i am prepared to switch pharmacies and/or go running to corporate like a Karen if they give me issues, but i've never had to switch from walgreens before (only to a different wg?) so idk specifically what to do if that's the case

but anyway yeah. lil worried about pharmacy giving me the runaround. and a lil worried about my moms reaction. even tho she's been nothing but supportive, it still seems to surprise her when i talk about being trans. if I make a joke about how trans I was as a kid in hindsight, she's wont laugh along, she's kinda just like 😳 😳 and goes on w her day. but other times she'll bring it up?? one time she said something about "when youve got your van and are transitioning" like she doesnt think I'm transitioning right now lol. i think she's gonna be surprised to find out that im starting T now but fuck I waited 15 years. aint waiting any longer.

its just like. there is a non-zero chance she still has ties w folks from the west mich womyns music fest (good fucking riddance). we actually had a huge fight once (yearrrs ago) bc even in the midst of them going under BECAUSE of their transphobia, she kept trying to get me to support them "as a feminist."

so despite how supportive she's been and that she is absolutely trying I can just FEEL that there are still reservations she has that she simply doesn't want to talk about. she's not gonna tell me what to do w my body or any of my medical care. I'm an adult, and that's generally the rule in our house, but idk it's like. this tension in the air. i think she still separates my "being trans" from "me" in her head, and i think she does it w other folks too (my parents are HUGE fans of Eddie Izzard, esp her Dress to Kill special from back in the day. and yet cannot wrap their heads around her being trans. she's been out for like. 30 years. she doesnt make a secret of it). i feel kinda bad saying it bc she DOES try. she actually corrects my pronouns (and Eddie's!) more than anyone else in my family when others fuck it up. I just don't think she fully understands why she's doing it and im not sure if she cares to. challenge her notion of what a trans person is?

idk its pretty obvious when cis ppl are doing the whole "her > no, i have to overlay an image of a boy on the body that I am seeing bc You Are A Her Who Wants To Be a Him" or vice versa, instead of just "You Are Him". it's like they're trying to translate me into a different language without changing the words. does not compute.

ughhh idk. anyway i am just hoping that she can see how much of a change it makes for me and sees me being happier and calmer and stuff. i already have been WAY more chill even in the last 2 years just since being out. i think that it will make it easier for me to like. express emotions like love and gratitude? i think part of why i've always kinda felt stunted in that area or like I couldn't connect w my parents like I sometimes do w other people, was bc of being closeted.... if she sees me as an extension of herself, Her Daughter, and I cannot be myself fully and truthfully, how can i express my emotions fully and truthfully, they are a part of who I am? I've just been told many times by the world that expressing myself honestly makes other people uncomfortable... anger was the only thing i could reach for so long. oof.

its just funny (not ha-ha funny) how even after having a feminist mom who didnt make me dress girly as a kid; after having lived in a huge queer household; having almost exclusively queer friends for 10+ years; after having BEEN OUT in high school; and now, again, being in a supportive environment where everyone is trying to validate me... despite all of that I STILL find myself feeling guilty for transitioning, guilty for showing people who I am. wondering "Wouldnt it be easier if I didnt. Wouldnt it be better for everyone if I just let them think I was a girl. wouldnt it be easier to deal w my other medical stuff w/o being outed every time I go to a new Spectrum location. wouldnt it be easier for everyone who has to deal w grandpa right now. there's nothing wrong with being a girl. Maybe I could keep being a girl if I had to."

but i know that's not right. if I don't live my life at this point it will kill me faster than anything that's medically wrong with me. i am not a girl. trying to be a girl when I didnt want to be made me suicidal for years. it made me into a horrible person and informed all kinds of terrible decisions I wish I hadn't made.

i know that transitioning is the right thing. to be perfectly clear, I am nothing but excited about testosterone and ALL of the changes it will bring me, there is literally not a single one that I don't want, that I havent wanted with my entire being my WHOLE life. i know that i am doing the right thing because for the first time in my life these are choices I've made FOR ME, for no one else and for no purpose but for the joy and sense of peace and completeness that it brings me to know that I am trans.

my fear is that I won't be able to articulate that to other people. or that ill have 1 bad experience and regress to not being able to stand up for myself or w/e.

so yeah, nothing but actual love and excitement for my T appointment. im just outlining how much cis bullshit really ends up defining the experience of transition for so many of us, and how much anxiety and fear it can still impart. even when you surround yourself with queer and trans support, even when ppl in your life are being cool, even when you are SO SURE of who you are. despite all of that, I am still afraid I'll end up detransitioning because of other people's issues...

but tbf i kind of have this with everything. I move into a new place, it TERRIFIES me rather than brings me comfort. how am I going to lose this home, too, and how long do I have? i've never felt at home in my body before, and every time I thought I found/built a home, I lost it. I've been evicted and lost my housing so many times and... have kinda had the same thing happen w my body, in a sense. feeling like if I start trying to decorate how I want ill get in trouble somehow bc nothing good can truly last and there's always some higher authority to answer to... idk.

anyway I need a proper therapist obviously lmfao and I dont expect anyone to read this. to be clear I am mostly very excited and optimistc. just nervouscited u know what i mean

[judesstfrancis]

so I was late to asking u things and I don't want u to have to repeat yourself so answer all the questions in the thing that you haven't already answered thank u 😌

the way I had to pull out my laptop to answer these bc I couldn’t keep them straight on my phone clipboard................ fdskjfsdkj I think I’m gonna put most of these under a read more so they don’t take up too much dash space. thank u!! <3

zinc white; how are you really feeling today? no one-word answers please!

honestly I’m great! it is currently almost 2 in the morning but my day was nice, I got some new clothes, did my laundry, made a good dinner...good vibes all around, loving it for me rn

yellow ochre; name an artist/band whom you just discovered & can’t get enough of!

I haven’t really listened to a lot of new music lately dkfjskj I think the most recent new artist I started listening to was orville peck?? but that was back in like february

naples yellow; where do you feel most at home?

uhh when I’m at home. yes I’m a homebody <3

raw sienna; with whom do you feel most at home? 

truly it’s with the thots I just feel so at ease

golden ochre; describe the relationship you have with your closest friend.

it’s just easy, u know? like no matter what we’re doing, even if we’re just vibing on our own together, it’s nice. I can tell them absolutely anything and it’s not weird and I don’t have to force it out at all

cadmium orange; what do you like to do on your days off?

ok first I always see if any of my friends are busy fkdjsfkj and if they aren’t I see if they wanna just chill or w/e but otherwise just like. turning some music up and sitting in my room with a book/a couple movies I love is ideal for me on a day off. I am very simple I just like to chill

orange lake; do you have anyone you can turn to when you’re sad?

yes! there are two whole people in this world that I spill absolutely everything to bc I trust them with my life and esp when I’m sad bc they always make me feel better. talking to them when I’m having A Day is like I vent and instantly I am normal again. they know who they are I’m sure but for transparency’s sake, it’s u (robin) and maya, no one else gets to unlock my tragic backstories <3

titans; do you prefer slow mornings or relaxing evenings? 

relaxing evenings!

shakhnazaryan red; are you currently binge-watching anything? 

actually I am currently rewatching cycles 1 through 22 of america’s next top model, I’m on like cycle 5 rn I think. having the time of my life, thanks for asking

red ochre; are you more right-brained (creative) or left-brained (analytical)?

I am very much more into creative endeavors, like work-wise, but I feel like the way I think about things is much more analytical. like I prefer Making things, writing or various crafts or what have u, but even when I create I think about the things I’m doing like analytically?? so ig left-brained

burnt sienna; is there a painting that brings you peace when you look at it? 

boy with squirrel by john singleton copley. I love him

english red; what animal do you relate to most?

interesting question! I have no idea. maybe birds? like a finch, maybe. they seem like they have fun

cadmium red; do you have a “type” when it comes to a significant other? 

this one is hard for me to answer bc like. I truly have no idea what a “type” is idk if that’s an ace thing or what. no? maybe? all the people I’ve had crushes on have been vastly different, in terms of like physical looks so probably not actually. I’m not attracted to muscular people tho bc I don’t think they have feelings <3

carmine; what does your ideal second date look like?

once again I have never pictured a date. I just want to hold hands! I think for the ideal first date question I said it just had to be going somewhere where we could Do things together, like walking around a museum or going through shops downtown or something, and that does still apply here, but for the sake of shaking it up, uhh...idk maybe staying in and watching a movie. like not at a theater no one needs to know my business like that but like. at a House. whoever’s, I’m not picky, again ideally I just want to hold hands.

madder lake red; would you ever kiss someone (or accept a kiss) on a first date?

yes. literally if the first thing u do is kiss me I am okay with it. I’m 23 someone just take the shot and kiss me already I’m going crazy over here

quinacridone rose; what’s something you’re really looking forward to? 

really looking forward to the holidays personally I got everyone some really good gifts this year and I can’t wait to hand them out. also my copy of 13 storeys is supposed to finally ship out this week, for real this time! so that’s exciting too

violet rose; what does your dream house look like? 

u know that idealized house with the yellow paint and the white trim? yes. just small and cute and homey

violet; is there any place in particular you’d like to settle down? 

I guess not?? I’d like to be somewhere near my mom bc she’s important to me but like. as long as I’m living with someone I love it doesn’t really matter where I don’t think

blue lake; what would you like to do/accomplish before you settle down?

uh. settling down to me equates to like falling in love and living together so honestly that could happen any time. I need to get a job before we live together so I can like Help Out but like. really any time

cobalt blue spectral; what is the most beautiful place you have ever been to?

I have not been to a lot of places! I’ve been to new york, and san diego, and like. phoenix outside of where I live so. actually if I can include like buildings in places I would like to say that one opera house I went to in new york. I learned I wasn’t a fan of operas BUT I also learned those chandeliers were cool as hell

ultramarine; when was the last time you were in a good mood? do you know/remember what sparked it?

I’m usually in a good mood, I think? my baseline mood is genuinely just like. happy/chill, pero I think the last time I felt Euphoria (tm) was a couple days ago when my mom and I made a really nice dinner together and my brother was there and we just played board games all night

blue; what’s the most recent dream you remember?

I have this recurring habit of waking up from dreams but only barely so when I fall back asleep it feels like I just woke up within the dream? anyway the last one was like that but in one of the times I ‘woke up’ I looked out the window and instead of outside there was like this. static photo of buffalo grazing in open fields?? and it was like green screened kinda, so when I move the image moved with my line of sight it was weird. that’s how I knew it was a dream and woke myself up again, only to immediately fall back asleep and feel like I was waking up from a dream within a dream again

bright blue; what does your dream family look like? any kids or pets? how many of each?

I think living with friends would be cool. like I want to have a significant other I live with but also if we lived with other friends that would be fun. kids, maybe! would be something I’d have to discuss with whatever partner I have in the future. if yes to kids, max two. also I don't want babies, preferably I would adopt older children. pets absolutely, however many doesn’t matter. I’m open to just living in a house with the love of my life and like twelve dogs, that’s ok with me

blue cobalt; do you like your name? would you give yourself a different name if you could?

I do like my name! I think it’s nice and it feels like it fits me. I don’t think I’d change it ever, but if I did I think maybe I’d go with jude bc yes I do love to project <3

prussian azure; what’s your favorite scent?

it’s a tie between suntan lotion and the lumber aisle of any hardware store

azure blue; what’s your favorite type of tea, if any?

vanilla rooibos tea supremacy!

turquoise blue; if you could start a garden, what would you plant?

lots of flowers, first of all. also some kitchen herbs. maybe some fruits!

cerulean blue; if you were guaranteed to have a viewership, would you start a youtube vlog?

yes <3 I want to force people to listen to my pretentious horror opinions and get paid for it

glauconite; describe your body without using any negative adjectives.

look I just have to say it: I’m hot. last night I took a photo and saw my nose from the side and went “omg who IS she” like it’s cute. I’M cute. I’ve seen my ass in the mirror and nothing can top it, sorry

yellow green; picture yourself walking in a field. what do you see & hear in this scenario?

all I’m getting is those scenes from horror movies where eerie whistling starts and like birds start going crazy

green light; are you in a comfortable place in life? if not, what do you think might make it better?

I think so?? I’d like to be more financially secure, pero. I think for the most part yeah I’m alright

green; name three countries you want to visit; do you have any actual plans in place to visit any of them?

ireland and greece for sure, ireland is the one I have most planned out in my head. ig maybe england for the third one, just bc I know my mom wants to go and also I’m very bad at geography so I don’t know what counts as a country. I had to look all these up, I do want to visit them tho, genuinely! esp ireland

emerald green; do you speak any languages besides english? are there any additional languages you want to learn?

the one I’m most fluent in is spanish! and I’m still cracking along at russian, currently I can hold a conversation with like a 4 year old and we can understand each other, it’s pretty cool. I really wanna get into learning irish!! I have a few resources downloaded onto my phone I just haven’t gotten around to it yet

oxide of chromium; what’s your favorite book?

a little life <3 yes I hate it when things are sad just to be sad yes this is my favorite book I contain multitudes

mars brown; what’s a movie that always puts a smile on your face/makes you laugh?

the burbs! I’ve seen it so many times but it always hits

burnt umber; what’s something you plan to do before the day is over to take care of yourself?

the day IS over it’s like two thirty am now but uh. drink some water before I sleep probably

voronezhskaya black; what or who is your go-to outlet for when you need to vent?

I post the “kirby’s fucking pissed” meme on twitter and then I ask u (robin) if I can yell for like five minutes and then I feel valid and then I am normal again

payne’s gray; describe your aesthetic?

it’s a little bit jock and it’s a little bit 1980s skater boy but the best way I can really Describe it is just “gay”

[whenweasleep]

I wish my husband would do research even for the smallest thing about baby's milestones or new skills. But deep down ion think i should say that bc he's working? He might not have time to look for everything and i am the 'default parent', so I expected to 'know things' better.

But sometimes i wish he did so we could decide what's good for our baby instead of me discussing with my in law. Don't get me wrong, my in laws and his families are sweet esp towards my baby. But sometimes... you know.... this is ours baby? I should discuss with you, not with other persons.

And sometimes i feel so stupid and useless to learn and search before hand when in the end of the day, if we confuse about something, he will go to what his mom says. It's just feeding my anxiety when the decisions aren't like what I've researched. And i have to politely against it. For once i tried to stand on my opinion, they'll pull out the golden card "well all my kids were treated like this now look at them, thriving and living". Well yeah, like, what's gonna change in 30 years, right? Nothing changes, it's all the same.

Again, i do agree my in laws helping me so much since day one. But........... sometimes................ i just think..... why i need to fight to give my baby the best? If something goes wrong, the doctor won't blame the grandparents, or the aunties or uncles, it's always the parents' fault (and some of them unintendedly pointing this to 'the mother').

I had talked about this with my husband but mostly he just dismissed (i guess, bc no feedback) it because he himself couldn't confront them. Sometimes i think, "should i make commotion now or keep playing safe and smile away?" Usually the second one win because commotion takes 90% of my energy and i still need to be sane for my baby.

So i keep thinking, well this is what you got when you don't own your house! And it led to another over thinking episode where i need to make more money so one day i can buy us a house for our own, something i should really think of before marriage (Oh from here, it will led to another another episode of over thinking).

I don't know what to do. So far my plan is: not to ask. So i can decide by my own. And do things by my own. Maybe when they see my plan is also working as fine as theirs, they'll understand.

[seungkwan-s]

oh wow, that’s a long time to warm up to a cat haha! it’s nice she did in the end <3 i had so many cats growing up but because of where we lived, they would always end up getting run over in front of the house or poisoned in the fields behind it.. sorry this is a bit grim 😭 but the one we have now grew up in a flat so he’s a lot less adventurous 😭 my old dog passed when i was about 14 :( losing a pet is such a painful experience that i feel like isn’t talked about that much!

ooh noted !! and my god that brings back so many high school memories, that sounds like so much fun. it’s very impressive that you never got caught! either that or your teachers were nice enough not to say anything hahaha, but i remember it being such a fun moment when the lights in the classroom were turned off and we’d watch a movie. it felt illegal doing that at school haha

ugh i hate it when people say that! just because you disagree with them doesn’t mean you’re forcing your opinion down their throat 😭 it’s nice your teacher was supportive!

yes queen taeyeon will make everyone agree!! and yes if you have particular videos you’d recommend i’d love the link to them!!! <33 (sorry i keep sending in such long asks btw😭 once i start talking i can’t stop)

long reply :)

she was scared of a lot of animals, esp spiders, like even if she saw a photo of them, she would take a panic attack <//3 the same thing happened here as well, there were lots of strays or people letting their cats out and something would always happen. a guy i used to know used to drive up and down our street at 60mph (it was 20mph bc of kids) and almost hit cats, he thought it was hilarious. don't think he was laughing when his car windows got smashed in & his tyres burst >.< (karma.....) — losing a pet really is hard, i lost my cat, mickey in 2012 and i still think about him <3 i was off school for a few days due to his passing, i couldn't cope :(

idk how the teacher never caught us, whenever someone wasn't paying attention to him, he would either slam his dictionary on the desk making us all jump, or bang his walking stick on the desk about 10 times 😭 he was quite moody tbh ;-; i loved watching movies at school, we watched Harry Potter in one of our classes as well and then done a quiz on it which was easy peasy for me considering i was a huge fan back then <3

that teacher was amazing, they really were !! they really understood mental health as well bc they opened up to me one day and said they used to be the same as me and couldn't stand up in front of classes. they never forced me to do anything that would make me anxious/nervous whereas other teachers would force you or give you detention if you refused </3 i honestly believe that's where some of my anxiety comes from.....

also don't worry about the long asks !!!! 💎

[horce-divorce]

if anyone wants to know why I'm being melodramatic, here's my big TMI personal post about the in the last year in which I:

- went through not one but two catastrophic breakups that lost me two of my oldest and dearest friends, one of whom is from my hometown, the other one who lied to me for four years.

- because my ex refused to talk about breaking up as a possibility, the breakup meant I lost my home, 99% of my things and all four of my pets. I haven't seen my cats or my dog since June and even then it was on an occasional basis. I haven't lived with my cats since January, almost 11 months. My ex has only agreed to give me back one of my three cats. My cats have been my ESAs my whole life. This is the longest I've ever been without them.

- because my ex kicked me out I had to emergency-move in with my best friend, a parent of four kids in a three-bedroom house. clearly me being there became an ethical concern due to how much less space & resources the kids had w me there.

- my symptoms were also worsening and it was triggering to my friend. so not only could she not be there for me at the times when I need it most, it was just. making it worse for everyone for me to be there.

- I had to leave the state to move back in with my parents in my hometown. I did not want to have to move during a pandemic, I am immunocompromised and HAD. A whole team of doctors helping me already. I lost all of that. Also. I am gonna be 29 this year so you know I love being at mom's. /s They have their own cats, so I couldn't bring mine. Which means now I never even get to see them. My ex does not text me pictures. We don't talk.

- the only friend I had who still lives in my hometown? remember that ex I mentioned in point 1? Yeah ... I tried to stay friends w him bc I knew he'd be the only one here. He's pissed at me for not being over how he uprooted my life (he was a catalyst for the other breakup, to say the least). Every time I try to 'reach out' to him, mr. I Wanna Be An Addiction Counselor When I Grow Up, mr. I Saw A Random Man Crying Outside So I Talked Him Down from Suicide, the first thing he ALWAYS DOES is insult my fucking mental health & my disabilities. I told him I'm suicidal and that we needed boundaries if we're gonna hang and he's ignored me ever since. (A random dude on the street is good enough to help, but not hIs FiRsT LoVe UgH. dude must have been hot.)

- one of the friends I would have had left in my hometown died this spring.

- as soon as I got here another death rocked our erstwhile friend group. It also impacted me but not as much as it hit them... It just means it's even less likely that I'll see the few who are left.

- the friend whose house I moved out of was already my only other option besides here. I have no where else to go. I cannot live on my own bc I'm disabled. If they can manage to buy a house big enough for all of us they want me to come back. But that's a long process that may not come to fruition for years. My parents agreed to give me, tentatively, one year in their home, mainly because of the pandemic.

- I have been trying desperately to prove to myself that I can work enough to buy a van at least. Because then I can "move out" of my parents and stay in people's driveways and campsites and stuff. It's not ideal, esp w my condition, but its the best chance Ive got.

- except I can't prove that to myself AT ALL. What I've learned by giving myself a consistent schedule is that a) the neuro who told me to quit my job to prevent carpal tunnel may have been giving me the best available medical advice. b) I can work for 2.5-3 hours per day for a maximum of 4 days per week before I flare so bad I can't work at all the next week

- which means I have exactly enough energy to make exactly the amount of weed I need to get me thru one week of work to buy one weeks worth of weed. one week of work = one week of weed. I can't work without the weed. And that's all I can manage. 3 months and I haven't saved any money. We're growing weed so maybe I won't have to buy so much, but then someday I'll have to choose between my meds and my pets, cause I can't take the meds with me back to Wisconsin and the only way I can have my cat(s) back is to find more space.

Now is the most important time for us to stick together and shit and. Idk. I lost my pets, my #1 motivator for staying alive. I lost my apocalypse buddy. My friends and I have only become more distant. I know what I want and need to do but Literally None of it is within my reach.

I'm trying so hard to just keep myself distracted all day but it's not fucking working bc I'm stuck inside w just my parents all day and I have the same , 3 fucking things to do all day and they all hurt me and make my symptoms worse so ultimately none of my "hobbies" or "accomplishments" have really added to my quality of life

Even at my lowest, before, I still had my cat. Pantoufle was with me even when we lost everything else, and the few months I couldn't be with him, at least I thought I had somewhere to go after that. I don't anymore. I don't have any of that. I don't have anyone I can even call when I'm like this because everyone is so fucking sick of.me that I'm just triggering to them like ??????? Idfk what I'm supposed to do w this information but I haven't been moving forward. not for over a year. and no one has the time to pencil in giving a fuck.