#(and to give myself time to cool off bc id be way too emotional to ask for one now)

[storrmytherabbit]

ugggggggggghhhhhh i got overlooked for a raise at work and now i have to ask for one

[cringesideblog]

here’s my dnf playlist and a complete song by song track-list and why I put them on it.

heatwaves- on here for very obvious reasons. i don’t think I need to explain. but here are some lyrics anyway. “Sometimes all I think about is you, late nights in the middle of June.”

Jenny- again this is kinda obvious. “I wanna ruin our friendship, we should be lovers instead, I don’t know how to say this, cuz you’re really my dearest friend.”

TALK ME DOWN- this one just has the best friends pining for eachother vibe. “I wanna sleep next to you, and that’s all I wanna do right now.”

Dark paradise- kinda has dream smp vibes. but also you could argue heatwaves vibes. “Everytime I close my eyes, it’s like a dark paradise.” “There’s no relief, I see you in my sleep.” “There’s no release, I feel you in my dreams.”

Sweater weather- yeah you know why. you absolutely know why. “All I am is a man, I want the world in my hands. I hate the beach but I stand, in California with my toes in the sand.”

Drop the Guillotine- idk man just vibey. give it a listen you’ll get it. it’ll click. “You sure know how to drop that guillotine on me, though you would never wanna see me bleed.”

Can I call you tonight?- thats on their only for of communication being through the phone huh. (major heatwaves vibe) “powers out and I can’t turn the fan on, so can I call you tonight? trying make up my mind, just how I feel.”-“I hear your voice on the phone, now I’m no longer alone.”

Lemon boy- oh my god this song. geogre do be seeing dream as his lemon boy. “I helped him plant his seeds and we’d mow the lawn in bad weather.”

Yellow- DREAM IS LITERALLY GEORGES YELLOW SHUT UP RIGHT NOW. “Look at the stars, look how they shine for you.” “For you I’d bleed myself dry.”

Like you do- first of all I love this song, second, this has dream being a little too attached vibes. The whole song is just them. “Lost in the blue, they don’t love me like you do, those chills that I knew they were nothing without you, and everyone else they don’t matter now. You’re the one I can’t lose, no one loves me like you do.” “Since I met you, all the gloomy days just seem to shine a little more brightly.”

I saw you in a dream- mega heatwaves vibe. “When I’m awake I can’t switch off,” “I saw you in a dream, you came to me. You were the sweetest apparition, such a pretty vision.”

Maybe you’re the reason- did someone say pining best friend who doesn’t know that they’re in love ? this song. this song right here. “I keep looking for something, even though I know that it’s not there. Maybe you’re the reason. And anytime I try to figure it out, you’re the only thing I can think about.”

The king- DREAM SMP VIBE. “You like me, well obviously, so why you tryna leave when you know that I’m the king?” “Other lovers give you no luck, cuz I’m the only one who’s made you fall in love.” “Playing with your heart cuz you gave me the throne.”

Sweet- an adorable song truly that actually fits them so well. “Watching the, video that you sent me- you know that I’m obsessed with your body, but it’s the way you smile that does it for me.” “It’s so sweet, knowing that you love me.”

Apocalypse- um okay here me out, apocalypse au?? yeah i know it’s cute as shit you’re welcome. “Your lips my lips, apocalypse.” “When you’re all alone, I will reach for you, when you’re feeling low, I will be there too.”

Fear of the Water- don’t come for me this ones kinda sad, beautiful song though. “If this was meant for me why does it hurt so much, and if you’re not made for me why did we fall in love?”

Dreaming of you- two words, heat. waves. but also yeah good song for them in general. “Want you all the time, and now I’m dreaming, dreaming, dreaming, dreaming of you.”

Wires- uhhhhh dream smp vibe, dream villain arc n all . “If he said help me kill the president, id say he needs medicine.” “He said that I should take it in, listen to every word he’s speaking.”

Midnight love- it’s girl in love so, you already know how it issss. “I know I don’t want to, be the one that you run to, when you’ve got nowhere else to go, when you need some love.” “I always give in to give you it all.” “I can’t be your midnight love, when your silver is my gold.”

The beach- SUCH A HEATWAVES SONG JUST LISTEN. “I feel it burning me, I feel it burning you.” “I think I can see the beach, I know what’s underneath. I need you here with me,”

Cherry flavored- the neighborhood just.. they have a dnf vibe. “Cherry flavored conversations with you got me hanging on. Down to earth from all the waiting. Take me somewhere beyond.”

Pretty boy- geogre is a pretty boy. point blank period. “Even if my heart stops beating, you’re the only thing I need with me.” “Pretty boy, you did this with me boy.” “As long as I got you, I’m gonna be alright.”

Bad idea- girl in reddd... but like imagine them casually hooking up and not knowing their in love tho. also I feel like they would definitely think that their relationship is a “bad idea” bc they’re stupid. “It was a bad idea, to think I could stop, was such a bad idea, I can’t get enough.” “Darling your so pretty it hurts.”

Line without a hook- ICONIC!! dream definitely does not think that he deserves george. “You can hold my hand if no ones home.” “All my emotions feel like explosions when you are around” “Oh baby I am a wreck without you.” “She’s a, she’s a lady, and I am just a boy. She’s a, she’s a lady, and I am just a line without a hook.”

Say you hate me- mega dream smp vibes as of recently. with the whole removing geogre as king. “I guess that your friends where right, from the start when they thought that I was a bad guy.” “Can you just say that you hate me? Or that you will never love me?” “Never meant to make you leave, never meant to make you cry.”

Cherry bomb- reminds me of how dream cheated on fundy with geogre. “I’m too close to crushing, and I’m too close for comfort I’m rushing.” “I ask how shes so mellow, she tells me her shades are in yellow.”

This side of paradise- I mean, like, kinda heatwaves vibes, but also just them. “Ask me why my hearts inside my throat. I’ve never been in love I’ve been alone.” “If you’re lonley come be lonley with me.”

Linger- geogre literally has that boy wrapped around his finger and I can’t not see it in this song. But when you look into it HELLA dream smp vibes, lyrics can be switched for either perspective here. “You know I’m such a fool for you, you got me wrapped around your finger.” “I thought the world of you, I thought nothing could go wrong, but I was wrong,”

august- i don’t know what is but this song is for them. it just is. “To live for the hope of it all. Cancel plans just in case you'd call” “So much for summer love, and saying “Us” Cause you weren't mine to lose”

I was an island- i just love the idea of them being hardasses and not thinking they need anyone until the other comes into their life and rocks their world. kinda dream smp vibes “I was a fighter, and I was so brave, but I lowered my sword when you held me and swore you’d stay.” “I was a wolf, dear, apart from the pac But you answered my cries in the dead of the night and told me that you had my back,”

Golden- k this one feeds into the “you’re literally the sun in my sky I’m not worthy” feel “I know you were way too bright for me I'm hopeless, broken” “I know that you're scared Because hearts get broken” “I can feel you take control Of who I am and all I've ever known Loving you's the antidote”

Strong- ummm okay but the “we’re better together” dynamic is them “I’m sorry if I say I need ya, but I don’t care I’m not scared of love.” “when I’m not with you I’m weaker is that so wrong? Is it so wrong, that you make me strong.”

Fly out west- the whole, I need to see you, you’re all I think about, stuff gets me. also heatwaves vibe. “Well tell me do you know? You’re all I dream about. Take it from me I’m too dumb to recognize your doubt.”

Cruel summer- them and summer, you dig? “I don’t wanna keep secrets just to keep you.” “I love you and that the worst thing you ever heard?”

Nothings gonna hurt you baby- I put this one on here because of how protective dream is over geogre “Nothing’s gonna hurt you baby, as long as your with me you’ll be just fine. Nothings gonna hurt you baby, nothings gonna take you from my side.”

Cardigan- young love, the kind of lover that makes you feel like you are the most important thing in the world to them “when you are young they assume you know nothing, but I knew you-“ “and when I felt like I was an old cardigan under someone’s bed, you put me on and said I was your favorite.”

Cry baby- them being in that weird stage where they recognize that it might be more than just senseless flirting and they might have feelings but also being paranoid that they’re the only one with feelings uh- “I can taste it my hearts breaking, please don’t say it. That you know, when you know.” “I know I’ll fall in love with you baby, but that’s not what I wanna do baby.”

Speak now- literally the fundy dream wedding. i rest my case. “I hear the preacher say speak no or forever hold your peace.” “Dont say yes runaway now.”

I love you so- this song is cute on the surface but kinda sad once you look into it. it’s kinda about a codependent love that isn’t going well. “I gotta get away and let you go I gotta get over, but I love you so.” “You were cool and I’m a fool so please let me go.”

In conclusion I’d really appreciate if you could check it out :) <3

[jaekaicx]

so ive had this idea for an amphibia fangame for a lil while now-

(LONG post)

its based around the idea that sometime after anne got sent back to earth, she decides to sneak out one night to visit sasha and marcys bedrooms and poke through their stuff. this causes a bunch of memories to come back to anne through flashbacks while she tries to process everything thats happened and her feelings abt their friendship.

i was thinking itd be mostly a visual novel type thing. maybe with a few small choices, but the story would be mostly linear. thered be around 3 main story beats: a prologue bit w/ anne sneaking out of her house, marcys bedroom, and sashas bedroom. also one of the main mechanics would be looking at one of their bedrooms and clicking on random objects of importance and triggering a flashback sequence.

it came from the idea that anne will probably try to just shove all her emotions down and try to ignore her feelings abt true colors and everything that went down then. especially with what we saw in the sneak peek, anne will probably try to hide her emotions and bottle them up, which is obviously not healthy. so eventually shes gonna have to work through her emptional baggage and try to process everything.

i havent thought through EVERYTHING just yet, just some more major plot points and maybe one or two ideas for flashbacks. nothing too solid yet. but heres a bit more detailed runthrough of the plot

summary - prologue

so it would start off with anne at home. she and her mom are talking outside annes room. her moms concerned abt how annes been handling everything that happened in amphibia but anne keeps brushing everything off. her mom tries to get her to open up, but she keeps dismissing her and eventually shuts herself in her room. after taking a bit to cool off and think anne decides that shes gonna take the night to just ride off her emotions and stop repressing them for once. she also makes an impulsive decision to sneak out and check out marcy and sashas rooms.

anne goes to gather her stuff in her room, and just as shes about to climb out the window, sprig walks in to check on her. hes still rly concerned abt his big sis but he knows he cant stop her. he tries to go with anne, but she tells him she needs to do this on her own. so, sprig lets her go and tries to cover for her while shes gone.

so at this point i’ll probably give the player the choice of whose house to visit first. it doesnt rly impact the story or whatever, but i guess it might have a small emotional impact depending on whose house u choose to go to first??

(quick note: after this bit, there arent too many specific details for the plot and stuff like that. its largely just an overall idea of how the plot is gonna go. and even then, there isnt much to it. i didnt think that far ahead yet, which is why there isnt as much refinement yet. so far i just have general ideas for how annes gonna get to the bedrooms, with a couple of vague flashback ideas. just keep that in mind; this whole thing is still being thought over and planned as im typing this out)

summary - sasha

with sasha, annes still rly conflicted abt how she feels abt her. of course shes still rly hurt by being backstabbed by her twice and swordfighting her as many times. but as much as she hates sasha she cant bring herself to fully give up on sash. she hates her guts but deep down shes still willing to give sash another chance.

there may or may not be a small sequence where anne has to sneak into sashas house, but eventually she works her way into sashas room. im not entirely sure abt the details of sashas house n her family yet. im probably gonna wait for info from s3 until i solidify anything, but for now i do know that sashas family has a big house n theyre probably rich.

so anne goes into sashas room and its been left pretty much untouched ever since annes birthday, save for the few times someone came in to dust things off. again, dont rly have all the details for sashas room, but it kind of has a vibe of controlled chaos, with organized clutter and a bit of a touch of a rebellious teen girl. one detail i do want to have is a calendar opened up to the month the trio disappeared, with annes birthday circled and highlighted so much that its impossible to miss.

the calendar itself might include a flashback. im thinking of also having a varsity jacket and some old stuffed animal be different “artifacts” that trigger their own memories. there’ll be a bunch more, but those are the only ideas i have so far fjsbndnd

summary - marcy

ok so i want to be rly mean about marcys segment: this is going off the theory that marcys parents moved away while the trio was in amphibia.

anne doesnt know this yet tho, so shes in for quite a surprise when she turns onto marcys street to find a realtor sign on the front lawn. the clues are all there: an empty driveway, sign on the lawn, an overall empty vibe coming from the house. but it doesnt completely register at first. its not til anne actually comes up close does she notice the sign.

anne tries to deny it, and decides to prove to herself that “no marcys parents wouldnt do this. theyre not that cruel. im just gonna check marcys room myself.” the front doors locked, so she just goes over to marcys window and climbs in.

but its completely empty.

ok not totally empty, but a lot of marcys furniture and stuff is gone, except for a few stray toys and other “junk.” the home guys (idk what theyre called????) are still kind of in the process of cleaning everything out, so theres still some stuff left here and there around the house. but its still way too empty. and its yet another gut punch for anne.

anne searches the rest of the house a bit more, hoping that shes just hallucinating. but no, marcys parents are really gone. she tried to deny it before, but now she has more of an idea of how shitty the wu parents are. so anne decides to just mope around in marcys old room, checking out the stuff their parents left behind.

maybe she finds an old blanket marcy liked when he was rly young. or an old rubiks cube from marcys vast collection. a cnc figurine, some cards, a pride flag, and old diary? a couple of other old toys, an old report card or two, or maybe even some stray clothes. whatever anne finds, its all thats left of marcy, at least in LA.

it really doesnt leave anne in that much of a better emotional position. she already felt conflicted enough about what happened in true colors and what she found out abt marcy. but seeing even a small glimpse of what marcy was dealing with, it just makes her more confused. marcy was such a sweet kid! theres no way they couldve done anything wrong. yet here anne was, betrayed by both of her childhood friends.

only now is anne really taking the time to process the fact that marcy essentially kidnapped her and sasha with the calamity box. he didnt mean to do it, and theres no way they couldve known the box would actually work, but it doesnt completely excuse marcy. his actions still hurt anne and sash, and while they meant the best of intentions, it didnt rly come through that way.

and now marcy was dead. stabbed in the back by the newt king.

and now annes curled up in an empty bedroom, wrapped up in one of marcys old blankets, trying to wrap her head around her feelings about marcy while reminiscing in the past.

summary - extras/epilogue??

i kind of like the idea that anne ends up drifting off in which ever bedroom ended up being the second one she visited. she slowly comes back to consciousness, with her surroundings feeling somewhat familiar, only to wake up in horror bc “OH SHIT I FORGOT TO GO BACK HOME” im not completely sold on the idea tho bc it feels a bit abrupt and like too much of a tone shift?? idk it doesnt feel exactly right

but anyways, im also playing around with the idea of a small epilogue scene with the calamity trio hanging out in annes room, a good amount of time after amphibia ended. dont know what theyre doing in there, but theyre just chilling and feeling a bit nostalgic i guess.

but uh yeah thats pretty much what ive got for the overall idea. it doesnt feel too out of reach, but somethjng like this would definitely be ambitious. i could mayyyybe handle writing out the vn and drawing the character sprites, but i have no idea how to code a vn or draw detailed backgrounds, both of which would be pretty important to this fangame fjsndj. so i might consider having help with this.

THIS ISNT ANY SORT OF PROMISE OR WHATEVER. id rly love to follow through and make this fangame a thing, but im not making any guarantees. i have no idea if i’ll actually follow through, but i would definitely love to.

who knows. maybe in like a couple years this might actually become a thing. but for now i have no idea

[reineyday]

some feelings abt touya and bnha 302 in general! (long post)

jesus this whooooole chapter makes me so so so sad for touya, like he's canonically a crier and i just have all these images now of him crying off to the side while enji looks at his other kids and gives them the time of day. knowing that he was/is a frustrated crier makes the fact that dabi cant cry cuz of his burned tear ducts that much sadder ohhman

one of the things i cant get over is how touya was SO shunned by his dad that when he went to go tell enji about his fire turning from red to blue, he says "i might be as awesome as shouto sooner or later!" like?? this boy is 13 and shouto is 5 yet he's talking like the brother that's eight years younger than him is better than him and thar it's just a fact. the sky is blue, enji wants to beat all might one day, and shouto is better than the rest of his siblings. nevermind that he's only five and just wants to play with his siblings (and dont even mention to me how shouto says he wants to play with "touya and them" cuz im gonna fucking cry abt it. like even though touya's accepted he's bottom of the ladder in this family, shouto clearly wants some sort of acknowledgement from his older siblings and especially his older brother. IM FVCKN SOBBN). enji has made it clear in this family that shouto was what he was looking for and everyone else is not as important, and i knew this from shouto's pov but it's kinda wild to see it implied so casually in touya's words.

"you'll be glad you created me! i just know it!" HOLY SHIT. god my heart. oh my fuck. literally all enji had to do was show up to the fucking mountain, and he couldnt even do that? what the hell?? your son asks you to go to the mountain, you tell your wife not to let him go traim but she said she couldnt stop him, and instead of going yourself to make sure he's okay and BECAUSE HE ASKED YOU TO COME (and with an actually valid reason, no less! fire changing colour is kind of a big fucking deal!!!) you just?? let him go and let him stay there??? my god the amount of times touya must have burned himself and the trees with tears in his eyes. ahhhHHH!!!

what kills me (and touya too soon?) was that we thought before the back story started that enji forced touya to train till he burned up. then when 290 came out--and definitely after 301--we thought maybe touya overtrained himself and burned up. and sure, he was definitely overtraining, but to find out that the burns that "killed" him started just bc he was crying so much he lost control and didnt know how to ease up on his flames? he was upset and literally trying to get himself to stop crying, and then he just set himself aflame and burned up cuz of all his emotions??? that HURTS. holy fuck.

i cant believe natsuo's feeling lowkey guilty for not socking enji in the face like he wasnt EIGHT???? and let's be real, enji woukdnt have fucking listened to natsuo telling him to talk to touya--he already wasnt listening when touya would straight up say "look at me" and when even rei said touya just wanted enji to look at him and notice him. listen, i know sometimes miscommunications happen in families and children are embarrassed to admit they want attention and so their parents remain unaware that theyre not giving their kid something they want, but touya was as clear as can be on MANY occasions, and even rei agreed touya needed the attention and enji just wasnt listening.

also i know there was discourse abt touya being sexist by telling natsu that "the women in this house are good for nothing" and mb it was partly diff translations cuz i feel like saying "this house" makes it specific to rei and yumi instead of all women everywhere, but even disregarding that--i think it's a valid thought for him to have when rei wasnt standing up for him (where he could see, at least) and yumi admitted herself that she was too scared to interfere and so just tried to fix things and keep appearances. i feel like based on what touya's seen from them, it makes sense that he has that opinion. (also gonna mention that i think rei's and yumi's choices also make sense and i think they were valid, seeing as how they were afraid as well.)

and poor natsu being woken up in the middle of the night (what was implied to be often enough, esp cuz it seemed they share a room and their futons are close) bc of touya's pain. that's a lot of emotional responsibility for an eight year old, and it is also so sad that at 13, touya didnt have anyone else to turn to but his kid brother. at 13, i remember being fully aware of the distinction in maturity between an 8 year old and myself, and it sucks that touya couldnt go to anyone but a younger child with all his pain. i bet yumi being too scared to interfere translated to touya as "she wouldnt help me" and thats another reason he didnt go to the 2nd oldest when he needed to vent. (also not related to this but how the FUCK was natsuo so tall at 8 years old? wh a t)

this chapter. this fucking chapter. my heart aches for touya, and it's just such a huge fucking shame he didnt get the attention and validation and support he needed. there must have been workarounds so that touya could safely use his quirk. there weere DEFINITELY better ways to support your son through a self-destructive quirk, ways that involved actually being there and seeing him. i feel like if someone showed him the attention he needed and talked him through how to better control his emotions (and by extension, his flames) and a positive and healthy way, he could have been someone so great. and if he ever learned how to set aside the way he felt infefior to shouto and saw that shouto just wanted to play with his cool older siblings, it might have been really beneficial to see that there was someone there who thinks he's cool and gave him attention just bc he was an older brother, who needed him when everyone else in the househild didnt seem to need him.

and lastly, the fact that the chapter ends with rei saying that shouto is the family hero and that shouto will have to face dabi?? and it makes me angry that shouto has to take on that responsibility. that he was five and suffering for things he wasnt even a part of, couldnt be properly aware of, bc he was so young. he just saw that he was separated from his siblings and that his dad bullied his mom, then grew up shouldering enji's heavy goals and high expectations and abusive training alongside the barely-there memories of his older brother who died (i say barely there bc if natsu didnt even know shouto liked cold soba, shouto was definitely not around enough to have solid memories of touya before he "died"), and now he has to do the emotional labour of fighting his villain brother (who i bet shouto lowkey empathizes with when he thinks abt it late at night) as well as suffer the physical consequences of that agni kai. and it makes me angry that he has to do that, bc he's a Good Guy and he probably feels he has some sort of filial and familial responsibility. he's only 16. he just wanted to play with touya and them, and now he has to deal with this horse shit dabi's causing cuz his dad's an emotionally neglecting asshat who couldnt see past his dumb fucking ego until he saw shouto play with a bunch of kids during shou's remedial exam a decade after his eldest son burned himself to death. what the fuckety fuck.

lastly, since we saw touya burn uo the way he did... did he really just like... burn so much his jaw fell off, and that's how they found the jawbone? cuz holy hot (BURNING too soon???) damn that must have been painful as all hell. i wonder if next chapter we get to see if someone found touya at the park and helped him out and sorted out the jaw bone thing, or if we finally get to see if deku wakes up lol.

anyways this chapter hurt my heart big time, and i kinda wanna draw kid touya crying while being overlooked by his family to let out some of those feelings but we'll see.

and i still stand by my idealistic and naively optimistic hope that dabi gets redeemed and they soend some actually time together as a family (without enji. or at least, with an enji that has apologized to touya in seiza. like, forehead-to-floor apologize.)

does this hope sort out how dabi redeems himself, seeing as how he's murdered people in cold blood and shouldnt be excused for that bc those actions are also inarguably terrible? no. not sure how he could redeem himself for that kinda stuff honestly, but it doesnt mean i dont still somehow want the todoroki sibs to get along, cuz im weak for mending families.

also id like to send a huge kudos out into the world to rei todoroki for being firm for once and for also not running away from her mistakes like her asshole husband has been. i really admire and respect that. she was afraid and being abused, but now that she's been away from enji and has had time to heal, now that her and shouto are in the mend and she's seen that her eldest son is alive and a villain, she's a place where she can acknowledge that even though she was a victim too, she played a part in touya's emotional neglect and she's taking responsibility and that speaks to some incredible fucking strength. damn.

i hope one day that dabi realizes the same in regards to his mother and natsuo, who shouldered a lot of his emotional pain and suffered the consequences of his outbursts (even though his emotions are valid and his outbursts understandable, he still hurt rei and put a lot of pressure on natsu), and i also hope he sees that for all that he hates his father, his whole existence revolves around enji and it's a shitty place to be (and then he'll have ANGST abt it and that shit will be!! so good!!!)

yeah i think those were all my feelings. i had so many lol. their family situation is so difficult, i hope they all turn out okay and alive and healing.

oh i guess i also wanted to say that i kept calling enji an asshat and asshole cuz he was for sure, but i still think his redemption is valid and im glad he's taking those steps to be a better person by being a better father. i dont know if id want his family to forgive him for all that horrible shit he put them through (im personally hoping that no matter what anyone else does, natsuo will choose to to cooperate in the healing of his family as a unit but will never forgive enji) but i think it's good of people to try to be better than they were yesterday regardless of whether or not they get forgiveness. i dont personally like enji, but i dont hate that he's getting a redemption. i just hope it's a redemption that makes sense and forces him to put in the work, and isnt something like a death sacrifice for shouto or dabi. i want him to be alive and i want his redemption process to hurt like a fucking bitch while he forces himself to make better choices and be a better person, cuz redemption isnt supposed to be easy in the slightest. i GUESS all the crying he did in 302 was a good start.

anyways, if for some reason you read all the way down to the bottom--hello! and thanks for reading haha. cheers! :)))

[levinneheart]

❝ hi, i hope you don’t mind that i’m a newer follower, but if its not too much trouble, id like a haikyuu male matchup please!! my name is joyce :) im a leo sun, taurus moon, sag rising, ISTP-T, use she/her prns, and straight. my voice is pretty quiet and i’m just a quiet person overall when i’m around new people. i don’t really show my emotions well and i have pretty bad RBF so i usually come off as hard to approach accidentally which sucks when i want to make friends but also works sometimes bc i also have social anxiety. my self esteem goes from *i am the sexiest mf to walk this earth* to *im ugly and deserve nothing* with no in between.

my love language is anything tbh but especially gift giving and physical touch, even though i’m terrified of initiating it. quality time is also nice since i’m completely down to just sit in comfortable silence with them, spending time together. while i love big gestures sometimes, my way of showing affection is more lowkey like baking them stuff, tutoring if they want, attending games/practices, and always waiting for them to finish at the gym

in an SO, the most important thing is that they need to understand sometimes i just need time to myself. i’m not mad at them at all but i tend to isolate myself whenever my mental health deteriorates and i sometimes go a few days without contacting people simply bc i don’t have the energy to do so. whenever it does deteriorate, it’s usually because i just feel really down out of nowhere and it lasts 12 hours to a week.

i don’t really work well with clingy people. i feel like i’d be okay if my SO focused on volleyball a lot bc i respect that they need time to work on their own things, so i wouldn’t say that i need lots of attention in relationships. i also spend more time on studies (future med student *fingers crossed*) than extracurriculars.

an ideal date to me is either going to an amusement park or the mall. i LIVE for the adrenaline roller coasters give me and i just think everything about it is super fun. malls are also nice bc i love shopping haha. nights in are cool too bc it means skin care and movie marathons :)

my favorite relationship dynamic is light hearted bullying. making fun of people and getting made fun of (with love ofc) is definitely a love language, and i’m not taking criticism <3 but i still want to be able to talk to them about serious stuff so knowing that i can wholeheartedly trust them is big for me

other facts:

i have a huge caffeine addiction bc i’m usually sleep deprived (monster energy, coffee, whatever)

i also just love coffee in general (the aesthetic, the smell, everything is *chefs kiss*)

i’m more of a cat person but i still think dogs are so cool

my relationship w my parents SUCK so bad

i’m 90% book smart (my one flex is being good at math) and 10% common sense

Big Anxiety bc the only way i could get approval from my parents growing up was straight As and now my biggest fear is being unsuccessful 😎

i love wearing my SO’s clothing and all of a sudden, their closet is now ~Our Closet~

if you don’t mind, i’d prefer the request be kept private bc of the picture :) i’m 5’2” and on the thinner side from a pretty long struggle against EDs

thank you so much for doing this!! i appreciate all the time you put into writing, to make people smile, and i look forward to anything you come up with!! ❞ — requested by @sushijimawakatoshi

dw, I don’t mind if you’re a newer follower :)

I would match you with Suna! He’s notices little things about you that others don’t, he likes to tease you but understands and respects your boundaries :)

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

CONGRATS ON 300 BB!! i’m glad you’re getting the recognition your works deserve :’) if its not too much trouble, id like a crystal matchup please. im a leo sun, taurus moon, sag rising, ISTP-T, use she/her prns, and straight. my voice is pretty quiet and i’m just a quiet person overall when i’m around new people. i don’t really show my emotions well and i have pretty bad RBF so i usually come off as hard to approach accidentally which sucks when i want to make friends but also works sometimes bc i also have social anxiety. my self esteem goes from *i am the sexiest mf to walk this earth* to *im ugly and deserve nothing* with no in between. another one of worse traits is that 80% of my confidence is heavily appearance based since i always struggled with that growing up, and now i either carry a mirror with me everywhere or ill use windows (its bad ik </3)

my love language is anything tbh but especially gift giving and physical touch, even though i’m terrified of initiating it. quality time is also nice since i’m completely down to just sit in comfortable silence with them, spending time together. while i love big gestures sometimes, my way of showing affection is more lowkey like baking them stuff, tutoring if they want, attending games/practices, and always waiting for them to finish at the gym

in an SO, the most important thing is that they need to understand sometimes i just need time to myself. i’m not mad at them at all but i tend to isolate myself whenever my mental health deteriorates and i sometimes go a few days without contacting people simply bc i don’t have the energy to do so. whenever it does deteriorate, it’s usually because i just feel really down out of nowhere and it lasts 12 hours to a week.

i don’t really work well with clingy people. i feel like i’d be okay if my SO focused on volleyball a lot bc i respect that they need time to work on their own things, so i wouldn’t say that i need lots of attention in relationships. i also spend more time on studies (future med student *fingers crossed*) than extracurriculars.

an ideal date to me is either going to an amusement park or the mall. i LIVE for the adrenaline roller coasters give me and i just think everything about it is super fun. malls are also nice bc i love shopping haha. nights in are cool too bc it means skin care and movie marathons :)

my favorite relationship dynamic is light hearted bullying. making fun of people and getting made fun of (with love ofc) is definitely a love language, and i’m not taking criticism <3 but i still want to be able to talk to them about serious stuff so knowing that i can wholeheartedly trust them is big for me

i don’t think i have an established aesthetic? my favorite is dark academia and grunge is a close second!!

other facts:

* i have a huge caffeine addiction bc i’m usually sleep deprived (monster energy, coffee, whatever)

* i also just love coffee in general (the aesthetic, the smell, everything is *chefs kiss*)

* i’m more of a cat person but i still think dogs are so cool

* my relationship w my parents SUCK so bad

* i’m 90% book smart (my one flex is being good at math) and 10% common sense

* Big Anxiety bc the only way i could get approval from my parents growing up was straight As and now my biggest fear is being unsuccessful 😎

* i love wearing my SO’s clothing and all of a sudden, their closet is now ~Our Closet~

thank you so much for doing this!! i appreciate all the time you put into writing, to make people smile, and i look forward to anything you come up with!!

ℂ𝕣𝕪𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕝 𝕄𝕒𝕥𝕔𝕙𝕦𝕡

𝑆𝑢𝑛𝑎 + 𝐿𝑎𝑟𝑖𝑚𝑎𝑟

Larimar is a ethereal stone that is said to be filled with tranquil energy It represents peace and clarity, radiating healing and love energy.

Suna always thought you to be a ethereal being (even though he never says it out loud) you always filled his life with a sense of peace and tranquillity. He always feels your love for him...even when you bully tease him

[n-komas]

(1/3?)Hi! Idk if you're still doing match ups but I was wondering if i could get a haikyu match up pls! If not, please feel free to ignore my ask, I completely understand and hope you're resting 💕 if soooo-I’m a straight cis Hispanic female that’s 5ft tall, I have wide hips, big butt/thighs, my top half ain’t special tho and I have black hair/bangs and dark brown eyes+glasses! I’m a cancer with an ISFP personality, I’m shy and closed off at first but as I get used to you I open up.

Dear User, Thank you so much for waiting! We have found your perfect match! You’ve been paired with...

Tooru Oikwa!

firstly, cancer twins!

the way your birthdays are only a day apart mwah

he liked that you’re sort of hard to break open at first

likes to think of it as a challenge

so that’s how you became friends for sure

he just wormed his way into your everyday life whether you liked it or not

anyways now you guys are the bestest buds <33

you guys have tease fights all the time

basically roast battles tbh

but then you probably tease him about how your butt is bigger than his

and it shuts him up entirely

mans wont admit it but he wishes he had an ass so bad </3

he just thinks they’re nice

plus he has this really weird desire to just know how to twerk and throw it back

he’d probably never do it in public

but when he’s bored and alone in his room, he just gets in front of the mirror and tries

since you have a motherly sense to you, you’d have to take care of him much more than you should need to

not just because that tooru has childish aspects to his personality

which you do need to put up with 24/7

but he has a habit of overworking himself far past his limits

and as his best friend, you’d have to drag his ass home and out of the gym

he is seriously the most stubborn piece of shit you have ever met

will spit back insults and harsh words to get you to leave him alone so he could practice more

he just wants to perfect himself

so you have to be there to physically take the balls out of his hands and put the net away while he cools down so you can take him home

as a cancer, you understand how hard emotions can hit

oikawa only really goes to you for emotional help

and he’s a pretty emotional guy

he still has iwaizumi, but he knows he can be 100% unfiltered with you

you’ve seen him at his ugliest, with his rawest emotions

you dont even need to give him advice tbh

he just needs to vent out his feelings a lot

ANYWAYS enough of sadkawa

sometimes he goes over to your house just to nap on your couch

like,, your parent(s) let him in, even if you’re not home

he says that they’re better than the ones at his place bc he flattened them out from sleeping on them too much

but he doesnt really get much time to nap tbh so when he does go over to sleep, you dont rly disturb him bc you know he needs it

sleeping on the other couch/chair in the room so when he wakes up he’s just really confused for a second

he annoys you like a normal older brother would

even if you were older than him, he’d still treat you younger just so he could piss you off

he’ll literally sit on you and pull your hair and make fun of you for being a legitimate foot shorter than him

but he’d protect you with his entire being

he tells you whether he approves of your anime boy crushes or not

not something you asked him to do but he does anyways

“larissa, be honest now okay, if i was an anime boy, would you have a crush on Me?”

moving on, he would completely understand thay you need space sometimes

yeah, he’s a clingy guy, but he respects your boundaries and knows when to bother you and when not to

he will be there to listen to you whenever you need though

OKAY BUT HE WILL FORCE YOU TO DO KARAOKE DUETS WITH HIM

he will DRAG you to a karaoke bar w him

fake id if he really needs to

you ARE publically singing a duet with him at least Once

does tiktok trends w you though!

could be a dance

or one of the text pranks

he loves the attention tbh so he’s always more than willing to help or participate

also sends you tiktoks when he’s on his breaks from practice or monitoring games

gives him a little stress reliever

if you call him shittykawa/trashykawa/crappykwa or anything like that

he will also make up some name to call you to tease you back

will occasionally call you things like dumbass or idiot

but not too often bc he still feels bad sometimes <//3

you‘re both smart idiots it’s okay <3 he’s of your kind LOL

ok but he lowkey would love star wars

it reeled him in just bc it’s in space

and you know the dumbass has a weird love for aliens and sci-fi

so the story and the characters would bring out the ultimate dweeb inside him

loves it so much

for one of his birthdays, you decided to buy 2 tickets to disneyland to surprise him

his parents paid for his ticket and half of yours bc they wanted him to he able to experience star wars galaxy’s edge in person & with his best friend

so you SURPRISED him with the tickets and he BAWLED his eyes out

was the best two days of his life

you bought baby yoda plushies & matching mickey mouse ears

overall, oikawa is basically your older brother, but also someone he knows he can lean on in times of need

he treasures you so very very much so, as an oikawa stannie myself, pls be gentle with the sweet boy <//3

Thank you for working with us! We hope you found satisfaction with your newfound bestie~ Honorary applicants we considered for the role were: KOUTAROU BOKUTO & YUU NISHINOYA. Thank you again for your time & we hope you enjoy your future lifelong friendship!~ Thank you for requesting!

[gayregis]

which characters are trans this is a scientific inquiry

all of them except vilgefortz and leo bonhart

ok ok jokes, ill go more in depth... some of this is taken from things ive written before but not posted. also for anyone reading this im non bee nary so know that im not trying to describe the experiences of different identities in first-person, i’m basing this off of both my own and my friends’ experiences... none of this is “OMG YES CHARACTER ANGST >:))” but rather depicting personal struggles in fictional characters, so just know that  the more difficult subjects that may be covered are not there just to see the character in pain, but rather to think about their eventual resilience against it and development afterwards

for geralt and yennefer i have more specific reasons why i think being transgender actually fits with their canonical characters & related story arcs, and then for the rest i have headcanons and maybe some reasoning but not a lot.

geralt: geralt already represents how a struggle with toxic masculinity and expectations of masculinity can influence one who wants to be seen as masculine to deny and bury their emotions. him being trans develops upon the aspect of his struggle with emotions, ive seen my friends who are transmasculine / myself when i used to ID as transmasculine struggle with showing emotions bc of feeling like you’re going to be misgendered if you shed a single tear. in canon, we already learn that kaer morhen has a bit of a macho culture (just fyi eskel and lambert and coen are trans too now, don’t go getting any idea that those guys are cis) and i believe that the “witchers have no emotions” thing is like 5% actual biology and 95% being raised to fight and not to feel. vesemir is a good father but he just wasn’t very emotionally nurturing, it’s the caste’s way of raising kids that geralt breaks out of.

i think geralt’s self-image also speaks a lot to the feelings of harsh internal transphobia. he constantly others himself from others and feels like people view him as different, which is metaphorical for any marginalized group under the sun, but also is very common for lgbt ppl. again this is smth ive really struggled with within the past few years so im just projecting/know what it feels like and feel that how geralt sees himself in canon is similar to a view suffering from internalized transphobia.

geralt's character already redefines manhood because he has to learn what it means to be a good father. and i think him being trans would be representative of his constant learning and growth as a person, yet also somewhat involved with his self loathing and feeling like just Him Existing is an affront ... but of course he unlearns this with time and love from others and all of his character development

yennefer: yennefer’s whole backstory revolves around defining who she is and defying the people who mistreated her and told her she was nothing. canonically yennefer of vengerberg is the story of the successful self-made woman... her life as janka she would rather forget, no one calls her by that name, and no one ever would because its not who she is nor who i think she ever was. 

shes incredibly strong-willed and knows what she wanted from life but some things are terrifying to reach out for, like love and acceptance. yennefer has a conflict with love and being loved because that was never a safe topic for her ... (also sapkowski handled this specifically poorly imo, but:) yennefer canonically struggles with being loved for who she is. i think she deals so much with her previous abuse and again, expectations from parents, and coming to terms with the fact that she survived it all. also this isnt even touching upon her arc regarding motherhood. wanting to give a child your everything and everything that you never had... the love and kindness that no one gave you...

ciri: ciri hesitated to ever identify with “girl” or “boy,” she’s also i think the representation of childhood in general, she’s naturally curious about gender presentation as she ages and just never really cares to commit to gender. i think she’d say she was a girl but only reluctantly bc she just doesn’t care much.

dandelion: [from his TV Tropes page:]

he’s an artist and a musician, he’s not gonna be cishet...

ok in a more serious context i think he’s a nonbinary guy, i think him being trans might explain why he has way more friendships than relationships with family members. dandelion, like yennefer, is also someone that had to define who he was for himself, i mean for one his stage persona of dandelion is entirely an artist’s creation/hyperbole of himself, i think he also had to think abt his inner identity too

his gender is also just “your friend that comes to your house and eats all ur chips and drinks all ur beer and passes out on top of you on the couch”

milva: ok unfortunately i currently think milva is the token non-trans friend (she’s nonbinary just doesnt think of herself as trans) but it’s only because her major arc in baptism of fire revolves around her pregnancy and miscarriage and just bc she is not trans doesn’t mean she doesn’t go through her own difficult struggling process surrounding her womanhood. she struggles enormously throughout the series and in her backstory with defining herself between two rigid identities: the feminine maria and the cutthroat milva. in her talk with geralt, she reveals how she feels trapped between these two identities and feels like they cannot coexist. i feel like she’s a nonbinary/gender non-conforming butch* lesbian whose struggles with sexuality intersect her struggles with gender and what it means to her to be a gnc woman. also you have to consider that milva was raised in a small village in lower sodden so she understood gender in the very strict roles ascribed to men and women, so she felt like she couldn’t be a woman unless she was this very traditional idea of what a woman is “supposed to be like,” which she’s both been trying to shape herself to be and also running away from simultaneously. she learns to accept herself within the hansa bc they love and support her for who she is, and she doesn’t need to be strictly feminine or masculine to be understood by them

* i know the terms nonbinary and gnc and butch didn’t exist in the 1260s tyvm, i’m just saying this as how i interpret her in a modern context

regis: gender is a human sociological construct so basically don’t ask him unless you’re prepared to listen for 20 minutes. vampires can exist noncorporeally so they can exist without gender, also i hc the telepathic vampiric language is nongendered as it’s a transmission of pure thought, will, and force, so it doesn’t even use any grammar. i also hc that vampires just appear the way they feel in terms of appearance and age (e.g., regis at around 300 when he died still looked 25 bc he was as stupid as a 25 year old, now he’s calmer and understands more, so he looks middle-aged). when chilling out with humans regis will be referred to as a man bc that’s just how he appears but it’s an identity he had to learn about and adopt, not something he was assigned. most vampires look androgynous anyways bc they just feel androgynous, how are you gonna feel a gender when you don’t know what a gender is... if you HAD to understand him with human labels / put it in a modern context (like if i was making an modern real life AU) i’d say he’s a nonbinary trans man. 

cahir: much like geralt i think cahir’s story is one of living up to expectations, but cahir’s actually takes it a step further because his major motivation in his backstory is trying to prove to his mother that he can be a good son that will make her proud and gain honor for the family... he seeks validation from external sources but faces ruin when he learns that war is not the way to prove one’s prowess and skill

angouleme: shes trans and i simply say so bc shes very cool and funny and i dont think a cis person could be this cool and funny. also i think the story of a runaway teen who was abandoned by her biological family and found solace in a new family is both very good and featured in a lot of trans ppl’s narratives. she kind of exudes this “im finally at a point in my life where i’m safe and cared for, i can start HRT now, let’s gooOOoooOOooo” energy. 

[avvidstarion]

For the album ask game... how about The Black Parade?

oh ABSOLUTELY. i LOVE you. this is all subject to change at the drop of the hat bc im wishy-washy and i love all of these songs anyway so

this got WAY too long so i am putting it under a readmore shhvkldlkdgjlkdsj

not including b-sides:

1. Teenagers- kind of a basic pick i know, BUT, in my defense, the song slaps. it’s such a fun song, especially when you’re singing it at the top of your lungs. the guitar part is super cool too- im trying to learn it rn but it’s a slow process bc im bad at guitar.

2. Mama- what can i say. it fucks. the old time-y feel, the harmonies/background vocals, the layers. the guitar goes so fucking hard. banging lyrics- “you should’ve raised a baby girl, i should have been a better son”??????? songs to be trans to.”but the shit that i’ve done with this fuck of a gun” is the kind of lyric that you can only properly convey if you’re screaming it at the top of your lungs. the whole ending is just. mind blowing

3. The End.- LISTEN!!!!!!!!! the end is WAY TOO FUCKING UNDERRATED!!!! oh my goddd i love it so much. i love it SO much. it’s such a perfect beginning to the song. the lyrics are great (”now come one, come all, to this tragic affair” if you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, you can find out first hand what it’s like to be me”, “another contusion, my funeral jag. here’s my resignation, i’ll serve it in drag. you’ve got front row seats to the penitence ball, when i grow up, i want to be NOTHING AT ALL!!! SAVE ME!!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!! SAVE ME!!! TOO YOUNG TO DIE, AND MY DEAR!!! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME JUST WALK AWAY AND TAKE ME!!). the bit with the snapping and the ooooohs is fun too. such a good song, it could honestly be 1 or 2 but my ranking system isnt based in logic and makes no sense to even myself

4. House of Wolves- house of wolves was my favorite mcr song for a good chunk of time, but as a result i’m kinda burned out on it, which is why it isn’t higher.  however it is still number four  because it’s objectively a fucking amazing song. the guitar is so fuckin fun, the lyrics are great, and it’s just. fun to dance around and sing it at the top of your lungs. you better run like the devil cause they’re never gonna leave you alone!!!!! tell me i’m a bad, bad, bad, bad man!!!

5. Welcome to the Black Parade- the big man itself. the titular song. their biggest hit. a lot of people shit on wttbp for being popular and, like, pretty much the only song of theirs to ever be on the radio anymore (and even then it’s once in a blue moon), BUT. it got popular for a reason. it’s a really good song. i love the structure of it, i love how it builds and builds and builds. the lyrics are wonderfully done- “a world that sent you reelin from decimated dreams/ your misery and hate will kill us all”, the whole “do or die, you’ll never make me” stanza is The Ultimate rallying cry. and the “im just a man, i’m not a hero” is just. ughghghdlkslakdjglsdkg. the titular song of an album entirely about death and dying and misery being SO hopeful and SO upbeat really portrays the album as a whole much differently- mcr is known as The Emo Band because, yeah, their aesthetic is dark and their songs touch dark stuff but they have never been all whiney and boo-hoo-y and melancholic for the sake of melancholy. there’s always been a positive note to their music and a lot of people just don’t get that which makes me sad. anyway. wttbp is fun and i like it and i like the drums and the trumpets at the end. marching bands fuck

6. Blood- ok so the pattern here seems to be that i favor the fun songs over the slow ones, and blood sticks with that. much like with mama, i love the old time-y feel. i love that this is like a fun little bonus ditty to end the album on. the lyrics are silly and fun and jovial, and the piano is great. love it and it makes me happy

7. Disenchanted- OUGHH. OUUUUUGH. i know cancer is objectively the saddest song on the album, but disenchanted just hits different. “when the lights all went out, we watched our lives on the screen/ i hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene” just DECIMATES me, man. the acoustic guitar is a nice change of pace, and the vocal performance is just. so fucking emotional. especially the “woahhhhhhhh-ohs” at the end. great song, makes me Feel Emotions

8. The Sharpest Lives- ok so i know this is pretty much in the middle of the list, but i want to stress that i dont hate any of the songs on this album, so even the middle of the list is pretty fuckin good imo. the sharpest lives makes me go batshit.  the lyrics are so fucking wild. “a light to burn all the empires, so bright the sun is ashamed to rise and be” is SO fuckin sick like OH my god. what a line. also “there’s a place in the dark where the animals go/ you can take off your skin in the cannibal glow/ juliet loves the beat and the lust it commands/ drop the dagger and lather the blood on your hands, romeo” like WHAT?????????????? GERARD POPPED OFF W THIS ONE FOLKS!! also i love how at the beginning the whisper-y vocals bounce from ear to ear. also “so why don’t you blow me......a kiss before she goes” is fuckin hilarious. honestly this song should be higher but i havent gone through a phase where i’ve been obsessed w it yet so it stays down here for now. one day it will take hold and be all i can listen to for a month straight and THEN it will climb the ranks. 

9. Cancer- makes me cry like a liddol baby. my mom doesnt let it play in the car cause it makes her too sad. twenty one pilots covered it and it was FUCKING AWFUL so the song is kinda ruined now cause i can only think about their shitty cover. like the AUDACITY. but anyway besides that the song is heart wrenching and amazing. the hardest part of this is leavin you!!!!

10. Dead!- look, i know technically the end. and dead! are the same song/ are just continuations of each other but i’m listing them separately bc dead! is, to me, the worse of the two. not that it’s bad or anything, it just doesn’t pop off the same way the end. and all the songs before it on the list do. however i do love the guitar at the beginning and the solo, and the “one! two! one two three four! LA LA LA LAs” are super fucking fun. 

11. Famous Last Words- i used to hate this song!!!! i truly did!! it’s obvs not on the top of my list now or anything, but i have grown to appreciate it a lot more than i used to. like with wttbp, it is the silver lining of the album that betrays its optimistic side. it’s a happy final message to a dark album. the ending is fucking amazing. I am not afraid to keep on living!!!! i am not afraid to walk this world alone!!!!!!

12. Sleep- Sleep is, unfortunately, just kinda boring in comparison. i almost forgot to even put it on the list. however, i do like the “the hardest part’s the awful things that i’ve seen” and the “a drink, for the horrors that i’m in. for the good guys and the bad guys, for the monsters that i’ve been” lines. also the “three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy!” line. but overall it’s just. eh

13. This is How I Disappear- i have. complicated feelings on tihid. on one hand, it reminds me of my favorite oc, re, and is on their playlist. on the other hand, i have grown bored with it over time. it just doesn’t stand out to me at all really. that being said, i do really like the “who walks among the famous living dead” and the “can you hear me cry out to you” stanzas. 

14. I Don’t Love You- while i dont think idly is a bad song at all, it just simply isnt my kind of song. i do think gerard’s vocals are extremely strong throughout, especially during the “when you go, would you have the guts to say/ i don’t love you like i loved you yesterday” line. like wow ok maam please continue. but overall i just dont vibe w breakup songs bc i cant relate

including b sides: 1. Heaven Help Us

2. Kill All Your Friends

3. Everything else

4. My  Way Home is Through You

my reasoning: 

heaven help us is tied for my favorite mcr song Of All Time. everything about this song is catnip for lil old me. the angsty christian imagery, the vocals, the guitar. all of it. the lyrics make me lose my mind, especially the “will you pray for me? or make a saint of me? and will you lay for me? or make a saint of- cause i’ll give you all the nails you need/cover me in gasoline/ wipe away those tears of blood again/ and the punchline to the joke is asking ‘SOMEONE SAVE US’” and the “you don’t know a thing about my sins/ or the misery begins/ you don’t know, so i’m burnin! I’m burnin!!!” parts. like i absolutely vibe with this song so fucking hard. i sing it constantly, it’s great to sing (very stimmy for me), it sounds beautiful. i am obsessed with it through and through

similarly, kill all your friends also speaks to my very soul. i can’t pick favorite lyrics bc id just have to copy and paste the whole song. i love the build-up, i love the time progression throughout the song (it’s been TEN FUCKING YEARS since i’ve been seein your faaaaaace rounnnnnd heeeere), i love the “you’ll never take me alives”. literally everything about this song makes me emo. it just Gets Me. it’s literally about my greatest fear. all my friends growing up and moving away and getting on with their lives without me, leaving me to rot in my hometown waiting for them to return. we only see each other at weddings and funerals, so it’s time to kill all your friends so we can party when the funeral ends!! it’s probably tied with heaven help us, but i’m putting it at number two just because it didn’t hook me as strongly as hhu did. it’s more of a strong, steady favorite than a “this song has latched on to my very soul and i have to listen to it on repeat over and over and over again”, if that makes sense. it’s still in my top 5 mcr songs though

i never vibed with my way home is through you. i don’t listen to it often, and i just don’t really feel it. it’s not bad, it’s just. eh.

anyway if you’ve read this far down i love you so much. thank you for listening to me ramble, mcr means a lot and i love to infodump about my music tastes. i really really appreciate being given an opportunity to do so <3

[itskellykh]

1. What’s the wisest piece of advice your mother has ever given you?

“who cares”

2. What was the worst haircut that you’ve ever gotten?

every single one. 

3. If you died tomorrow, who do you think your death would impact the most?

my dad 

4. What question do you not want me to ask you?

idgaf ask anything

5. What was your favorite snack when you were a kid?

oranges

6. How did you come up with the name for your pet?

his shelter named him

7. What is the worst physical pain that you’ve ever experienced?

KIDNEY STONE FUCK THOSE

8. What is the worst emotional pain that you’ve ever experienced?

Sam

9. What book was so bad that you didn’t even finish it?

i hardly finish books b/c im too impatient

10. Are there any colors that you refuse to wear?

nah all colors are dope

11. What one thing are you most proud of accomplishing?

adopting my dog

12. If you could be interviewed on any talk show, which one would it be?

none tbh.. id much rather be interviewed by a youtuber

13. What’s the scariest ghost story that you’ve ever been told?

idfw them

14. Are there any dreams or nightmares that stick out from when you were a child?

mom getting killed by a bear

15. What do you think is the worst crime a human could commit?

murder

16. If you were reincarnated, would you want to be a boy or a girl in your next life?

idunoo being a guy would be pretty cool

17. What artist do you wish would be taken off the radio?

lol i work in radio so all of them

18. Have you ever witnessed something unexplainable?

nah

19. If you could go back to high school, what would you do differently?

not be as shy. but honestly my hs life was dope so no regrets 

20. How long do you think you could last without having intercourse?

lol for the rest of my life.. at the pace im going

21. Are there any mythical creatures that you believe in?

no

22. Is there a specific teacher that made your life miserable?

i dont let anyone control my life

23. What TV show or movie do you want to watch, but haven’t gotten around to it yet?

none ... need suggestions

24. Do you think any of your coworkers deserve to be fired?

yes

25. When you were little, what scenarios did your Barbies (or G.I. Joes) act out?

new kid at school lol

26. Do you like the color of your eyes?

the only thing i like about myself

27. Do you believe that animals experience emotions in the same way that humans do?

absolutely. i think they love way harder and i admire them for that

28. What’s the most embarrassing dare you’ve ever completed?

got up on stage and sang high school musical

29. What common food have you never actually tried?

rabbit or duck i suppose

30. What’s your favorite cat breed?

all

31. What’s your favorite section of the newspaper?

sports

32. Which 90s show do you wish they’d bring back?

umm idk lol i liked lizzie mcquire tho. i think thats 2000s

33. Did your parents ever tell you why they chose your name?

yeah .. and it’s bs. 0 thought into it. 

34. What is one memory that you wish you could erase from your mind?

dude so many. probably that dude yelling at me at the gym 

35. What TV show did you once love, but eventually gave up on watching, because it got that bad?

TWD

36. What (if anything) were you bullied over when you were little?

nah not really 

37. What’s your favorite font to use when you type?

default lol lazy af

38. What age were your parents when they had you?

30 and 29

39. What’s the most embarrassing video in your recent Youtube history?

so many lol something probably like some club penguin shit 

40. Have you ever seen a person (or a dog or a cow) give birth?

hell no

41. Do you think you’re overpaid or underpaid?

both if that makes sense xD

42. Have you ever killed a houseplant?

yep :(

43. Is there a specific number that holds a lot of meaning to you?

33

44. On average, how many times do you wake up in the middle of the night?

im diagnosed with insomnia so ......

45. Do you know your IQ?

nope and dont care

46. Do you know your Myers Briggs personality type?

wtf is that

47. Which Netflix show do you think is overrated?

they’re all p good tbh

48. What is your favorite month of the year?

october

49. Which family member do you secretly hate?

im not going to say i hate anyone bc i dont

50. Has a celebrity ever replied to one of your Tweets?

i dont think so lol

[hyyunjinn]

    I swear if I forgot someone, and I feel like I am because I’m so bad at keeping track of things, I’m gonna go scream. ALSO: all those tags and mentions I’ve been tagged in, I swear I saw them but it was usually when I’m in the middle of doing something and I didn’t want to reblog aND THEN I JUST LOST THE TAG so I’m sorry ; - ;

    But uh, I. Reached. 3K. Followers. On this blog a while ago actually I’m just that lazy of a person and I never do anything on time. And I just wanted to say thank you so much for supporting me and screaming about Stray Kids daily? I haven’t been feeling the greatest emotionally which is why this might turn into a rant—but I just want to use my emotional energy for something good and that’s saying thank you! This is the first time a community has shown so much interest in my work and supporting it and I really, really can’t say how much I appreciate you all. I’ve been creating content for a while now, but it just never got the support I hoped for and,,, idk—just the fact that you guys like this blog just makes me so happy. And it’s not just the gifs: the gfx and writing that I post are the ones I care more about and I’ve gotten so many positive comments on it ahhhhhhh I want to hug each and everyone of you.   

    I know I don’t respond that well and those who tried to talk to me are probably disappointed by how I keep up a conversation but aklsfjasf I want to use this an appreciation post for all the wonderful people I met because of Stray Kids. Also, I want to say that, I’ve tried to talk and support you guys all—even if I don’t follow you, I lurk your blog and stuff—it’s just wow, we’re getting really big and I feel bad not being able to interact with everyone BUT I WANT TO SAY THAT ALL OF YOU ARE SO AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND YOU WORTH MORE THAN YOU BELIEVE YOU DO. I think it’s easier for me to talk about random stuff on kakaotalk so uhhh, if you wanna shoot me a message my id is cicikookie!    

    And just to my followers in general: thank you so much for sticking around haha. I see a lot of regular usernames and lurk sometimes haha so ;)) Thank you ♡

    Thank you again for being so supportive and I love interacting with all of you: LET’S SUPPORT STRAY KIDS TOGETHER FOR A LONG TIME!

    So, I guess I’ll start with the personalized messages:

@changlix Wow Lexi, you were my first friend in this fandom anD IDK WHAT IT WAS THAT MADE ME DROP MY USERNAME TO YOU BUT AKLSJFALSF LOL I’M SO GLAD WE’RE FRIENDS because everyone loves you and you’re amazing and I love your blog and everything and alskdfjaslfd you’re really crazy but I love you and ahHhHhhh. I know you’re busy with life, but whenever we talk even for like 2 messages at a time, I love it so much. ESPECIALLY WHEN WE WERE THROWING SHADE AT EACH OTHER EARLY ON. I still. Can’t believe. yOUR PROFILE PICTURE IS STILL HYUNJIN ON TWT WYD GIRL. And you calling me a hoe—wow, I keep that close to my heart. HAHA BUT ALL JOKES ASIDE, I appreciate you so much for being the inclusive self that you are and keep being amazing. Okay, I’ll admit: when you told me to “take care of your man properly or i’m coming for him cici” I THINK THAT’S THE REASON I’M STILL LOYAL TO HIM OR I WOULD’VE SWERVED AGES AGO. Thanks Lexi, you’re best ;) altho how could you come for him when i am taking care of him, traitor

@manny27lei I’m adding you here but I don’t even wanna write you anything hAH. YOU DON’T EVEN TALK ABOUT SK. MAKE A SIDEBLOG AND I MIGHT

jk ily thanks for listening to me cry everyday and laskfdjasf it’s crazy how we met because of sk but it’s not even because of sk, it’s because of svt whoops

@seungminty yOU’RE STILL MY FAVE SEUNGMIN STAN AND YOU FOREVER WILL BE. ULT SEUNGMIN STAN. And ofc vocal line enthusiast. Thank you for being you and asklfdjasldf goodness, sometimes I worry that you’re being too hard on yourself MAR ILY AND THE GC LOVES YOU AND BE CONFIDENT! YOU’RE AMAZING AND A TIIINY BIT OF YOURSELF GOTTA FLAUNT IT. You keep the chat going and ahhHhhH I don’t even know how much I want to say the fact that I appreciate you so much. Thank you thank you thank you ♡ random confession: you make me really soft because you’re so soft and i just wanna hug you until everything goes well for you

@princeminho ASFKLJASLFD MAHI! MY CEREAL BUDDY! I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WERE A actually, the fact that he was your icon should’ve told me bUT WHAT. MINHO STAN SINCE DAY ONE? WHY DID IT TAKE YOU SO LONG TO ADMIT IT AHAHHAHAHAH I’M STILL SO SHOOK. You’re so lowkey about your love for him and I feel and it’s really cute and lksadfjalsd FAVE MINHO STAN BC I DON’T FEEL LIKE I NEED TO FIGHT YOU UNLIKE SOMEONE/ Thank you for just hanging around and taking our shit and just being you—I love talking to you so much, you’re so amazing and ♡♡♡♡♡

@9traykids I give up. You can have Minho. You save me every time you send in Hyunjin photos and I cannot appreciate you enough hAH THEY’RE SO CUTE AND I JUST START SPAZZING OUT AND ALSFJDASDF that one photo where you badly edited with “i ♡ cici” I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THAT AHHHHH. stop making me cry ; - ; I love talking to you and you’re so randomly funny and laskdfjasf THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU ILY ♡♡♡♡♡

@seungchanie HI YOU AMAZING PERSON I LOVE YOU SOSOSOOSOSO MUCH YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. I’m not quite even sure how we met but it’s like one of those friendships where it feels like it’s been forever because, everything is just a blur but there are good moments, you know what I mean? Vale, I love you so much—you’re so cute and friendly and whenever we talk, I get so excited because you’re so excited and hehe aHHHHHHHH LEMME JUST HUG YOU. You’re always there and yOUR CONTENT. I LOVE YOUR CUTE LITTLE FANARTS AND THAT 3RACHA SCIFI AU WTF I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR YOUR AMAZINGNESS. You have a really simplistic style and I love it so much mwah

@hyunjinh laksdjf hi jas!! oKAY CAN I JUST SAY YOU’RE PROBABLY MY TUMBLR CRUSH BUT LIKE, WE TALKED BEFORE BUT I STILL DON’T ASLKDFJASD IDK YOU’RE REALLY COOL AND I REALLY LIKE TALKING TO YOU but idk how to keep a convo going and ahHhhHh LOWKEY BLUSHING BC I REALLY LIKE YOU HAHAH you’re really amazing and I love your blog and I hope we can become better friends hehe.

@straykidzz OKAY TBH IDEK WHEN OR HOW BUT THE FACT THAT WE NEVER HAD LIKE, A PROPER CONVERSATION and yet we act like good friends is aslkdfjasldf—maybe it’s a mutual thing hehe aHHH MANDA ILYSM AND JUST SEEING YOU ON MY DASH MAKES ME SO HAPPY. Or maybe it’s the fact that you’ve been here as long as me heheh. I hope we get to know each other better and skajflasdf W A H ♡♡♡♡♡♡ TAKE MY HEARTS

@chanbng Fishy, you. are SO AMAZING — we never seem to be on the chat at the same time but you’re so sweet and lasdfjasdlf wow i’m highkey crushin haha AHHHHHHHI JUST WANNA SAY I LOVE YOUR WORK SO MUCH AND THANKS FOR BEING YOU and i hope we get to talk more heheh

@aussieline KLASDFJALKSDF YA BIBI WE NEVER ACTUALLY HAD A REAL CONVERSATION BUT JUST, THIS MUTUAL THING WE GOT GOING ON? ILYSM YOU ARE SO AMAZING AND YOUR ARTWORK ALWAYS MAKES ME SMILE AND AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH we gotta talk more omg but thank you for providing my dark life with cute fanart and cute tags, you’re adorable

@jeongin-ie sup smol softie ilySM WE GOTTA START CHATTING FOR REAL OR SMTH YO which means i should be the one who sends the message but laskdfjsadf i su k but i also want to be better friends with you ; - ; hit me up with your kkt thO THEN WE CAN CHAT PLSPSPSLSPSL i hate chatting on tumblr lmao CJ, YOUR WORK IS AMAZING AND YOUR BLOG IS CUTE AND YOU’RE CUTE thanks for being you :)

@strgaykids Okay. I SAW YOUR 3K POST THING AND YOU ARE SO PRETTY I NEARLY FELL OFF MY CHAIR CONGRATS ON HITTING THE MILESTONE TOO! You make the fandom so much more fun and I love the shitposts you have TBH, I REALLY HOPE WE GET TO BECOME FRIENDS OR SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU SEEM, I was gonna say chill, but maybe lit? but that doesn’t really make anysense—tHE POINT IS: hiimciciandihopewe’lltalklaterinthefuturehehebyegottablast

@spearbin asklfjdsaldf pffffffft Camille right? YOU ARE SO TALENTED AND I JUST, LOVE YOU AS A PERSON AND SEEING YOU SPAZZ OUT IN THE TAGS IS SO CUTE and i have a highkey tumblr crush on you but like, we’ve interacted before and >///< AHHHH HIHIHI I REALLY WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND BUT I’M SUPER AWKAWRD I HIGHKEY HOPE YOU DON’T SEE THIS BUT YOU PROBABLY WILL AND PFFFFFT I’LL JUST, LEAVE NOW

@chanskitty AHHHHH DIAN HOW ARE YOU?????? I know we don’t talk as much anymore but — ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ You’re so amazing and chill and ahhhhhhhh. You are taking care of yourself right? Getting sleep? I HOPE WE GET TO TALK MORE SOON ♡ I’LL SEND A MESSAGE OR SMTH tag you in something????/// :DD

@realstraykids Did you know it took me a couple of weeks (or was it days) after following you to realize that your url is the same handle as Stray Kids’ official ig name alskfdjasdf I FACEPALMED MYSELF SO HARD LMAO — also hold on, I didn’t know you’re minho bIASED AH YESSSSSSSSSS Em. I really hope we get to know each other better beCAUSE YOU’RE SO COOL AND I LOVE YOUR EDITS SO MUCH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH They’re really different but a good kind of different and tell me your ways of sitting in front of a computer screen and masking each frame of a moving object hOW I HATE DOING THAT

@stray-k1ds hOLy cow I don’t think i actually know your name—is it Tiffany? I THINK WE FORGOT TO INTRODUCE OURSELVES—I’m Cici! AND I LOVE TALKING TO YOU YOU’RE SO CUTE AND LASKFJAAKD I love your cute little scenarios and all that and keep up the good work!!!!!!! I HOPE WE CAN BECOME BETTER FRIENDS AY

@jeongn pfft Nicolle, you actually haVEN’T DONE ANYTHING IN A WHILE THAT MADE ME WANT TO BLOCK YOU AHAHHALSFKJASLDF i still can’t get that image of tired chan and his accent coming out whAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME you can be so cool and so fREAKING TALENTED I CAN’T BELIEVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU FOLLOWS M E. I love the times we do actually talk, so! :))) I hope we become better friends ayyYyyyyYYY

@stray4419 hehehehehe i know we just started talking but Chi, you are so kindhearted and i’ve said it twice and i’ll say it again: thank you so so so much for personally offering me a shoulder to cry on haha. You have no idea how touched I was and I really can’t thank you enough. LET’S MEET UP SOMETIME AND CRY ABOUT STRAY KIDS TOGETHER YO AHHHHHHHHH

@woojinskids eASILY YOU’RE MY FAVE WOOJIN STAN M. YOU’RE SO SOFT FOR HIM AND READING YOUR TAGS FOR HIM IS SO CUTE I actually fall in love with him even more every time you talk about him aahahh I know we don’t talk as much but I really love seeing you around ♡

@chxngbins NehaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I MISS TALKING TO YOUUUUUUU and your old username not gonna lie alskdfjasdf whoops but AHHH YOU’RE SO CUTE and smart wow and asldfkjsdf I wish I was as levelheaded as you pFFT. You are so amazing and smol and i associate you with that picture of namjoon eating pizza lmao BUT AHHHH KEEP BEING YOU ILYSM

@felixsfreckles I WAS LOOKING THROUGH MY FOLLOWING LIST AND ASLKDFJASLDFK WTF I CAN’T BELIEVE I WASN’T FOLLOWING YOU THE ENTIRE TIME i feel so bad omg i’m sorry—actually hold on, are you not a felix stan anymore wH A T. but alskfa hiiiiii thanks for being amazing!!!!!!!!  idk, you’re like one of those mutuals that, I’m sorta comfortable knowing that you exist? because you are so nice and we’ve been on here for so long kinda thing haha ♡

@bunny-minsungie asfjkdhsda I KNOW OUR CHAT IS PRETTY MUCH ALL BUSINESS SOUNDING/RELATED NOW BUT I JUST WANNA TAKE THE TIME TO SAY THANK YOU FOR BEING AMAZING and doing so much ; - ; Now that I think about it, we don’t even talk about anything else noooooooo but I really appreciate you Lys ♡ and that demon!hyunjin au is seriously taking over me omf

@bbang-channie Dude Leah, you are so cool omg—you’re so inviting and fun to talk to and AHHHHH I REALLY HOPE WE GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER BECAUSE LKSDJAFLSDF FROM THE SHORT TIME WE’VE TALKED VIA GCs, I love it  ; - ; UGH I FEEL SO BAD FOR NOT KNOWING WHAT ELSE TO SAY BUT!!! I APPRECIATE YOU BUDDY!!  

@seoracha I KNOW YOU’RE NOT EVEN HERE ANYMORE but i just wanna say you the craziest triple biaser i’ve met probably the only triple biaser i know and honestly idek how your brain works but lmao miri you’re so cool ily

@utlwoojisung @kim-squishmin @doublekn0t @chanyeolsidepiece @vallkyr @hi-hello32 @sparklingthoughtss @straykidding @indiepoptime @f3lix-lee @ultchris @maaatryoshka @straykidsstan @softlix OKOK I KNOW WE’VE TALKED BEFORE/ARE MESSAGING/SOMEHOW INTERACTED AND YOU SEEM COOL but alksdfsd like, I don’t know you guys as well bUT I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU ALL TOO AND I HOPE WE CAN GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER! :))

Ummmm, here are people that I follow and don’t really know but uhhhh ihopewegettotalkonedayahahiwantmorefriendsandyouguysseemreallycooltotalktoahhh @jicue @chans97 @cosychans @lees-minho @leefelixs @chngbins @changbinsplushie @starrykids @softstraykids @sprearb @stray-keeds-in-yo @straykeeds @hyuunjins @bvian @straybros @straykidsmp3 @straykiz @straybabies @stkids @1straykids @felixeslee @jeonginie @jeongin @str4y-kids @bchanies @changbln

[coshayphinelove]

5 character headcanons - cosima, felix, scott, art, mk, rachel, krystal, adele

i am so sorry if you are on mobile and the read more does not work properly and you see all of this.  

you have my deepest apologies.

Send me the name of a character and I will tell you my:

cosima

1. sexuality headcanon:  canon says she’s a lesbian, i just wanna say that despite what interviews beforehand said.  

and i’ve always had the idea that for a long time she had a complicated relationship with her sexuality.  she identified as bi and/or queer for a while and swore off labels for another.  like she had been with guys before and they were fun and everything.  and the girls she was with were also fun but she was only looking for fun there, too.  but now she’s gotten to the point where she’s looking for something more serious than fun.  and that led her to realizing that she Loves women way more and way more thoroughly than she likes men (if she even can really call it liking men at all).  and so she’s getting comfortable with labels and id’s as a lesbian now.

(i only think that because the two conflicting informations needed to be reconciled in my head.)  (i’m not a lesbian so please tell me if this is not cool or something that isn’t part of being one.)

2. otp:  coshayphine.  they’re just.  so good.  though i’m kind of dragging myself down a sarcoshayphine hole and there’s #noragrets.  (some ragrets, actually.  that is so many people and hands and emotions to keep track of.)

3. brotp:  if it’s not a sarcoshayphine thing, then sarah.  i feel like aside from helena and sarah they’re the closest.  and they just care so much for each other that if it didn’t get to a dating level then they would be the bestest of bros.  

and if it is sarcoshayphine then charlotte.  i’ve already decided that she calls her little buddy (even after charlotte gets taller than her)  (which is going to happen).

4. notp:  idk?  paul?  i really hated paul.

5. first headcanon that pops into my head:  I Have Too Many.

but i love the idea of her getting a hair cut like this or this (short sides and a floofy curly bit at the top) bc in my head she’s nonbinary.  so she’s got this big life change of turning over a new leaf and being free finally and coming to terms with some new identities and she just cuts all her hair off.  Symbolism.

6. one way in which I relate to this character:  i like science and girls and if they happened at the same time for me i would start coughing up blood too.

7. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: her seemingly putting her own needs aside and not talking to delphine.  like they start and she brings up good points, but delphine is written to be cryptic af so it just seems like she gives up on trying to find out what she wants or working their relationship into something more healthy.  and that makes me real uncomfy.8. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?:  cinnamon roll!!

The rest are under a cut!!

felix

1. sexuality headcanon:  he is gay

2. otp:  either him and colin or felony.  i just miss tony a whole lot.

3. brotp:  sarah.  lov thos kids

4. notp:  ???  paul.  i’m just going to keep saying paul

5. first headcanon that pops into my head:  i have it outlined for the post s5 fic that once coshayphine move into their residence that they’re going to keep for the foreseeable future they hang up the painting of cosima.  and she hates being the only one with a 5 foot tall painting.  

so being a good foster brother-in-law or whatever they are to each other, he paints one of delphine and shay too, because that’s totally what cosima meant!!!!  not that she wanted it taken down/put somewhere other than the front room.  thanks felix.  sure thing cosima, what are foster brother-in-laws for?  and he paints delphine naked to make her just a little uncomfortable (one of his favorite past times), but it’s from the shoulders up.  so it’s not too weird.

6. one way in which I relate to this character:  sarcasm and using gay as a descriptor 

7. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character:season 4.  like.  i know it worked out in the end.  but the fact that he didn’t understand why searching for his ‘real sister’ while there’s life or death situations bothered sarah was like.  the worst.  and i understand his side too, but like.. did it need to happen Right Then?  when evil corporations were stealing and copyrighting genomes??8. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?:  cinnamon roll.

scott

1. sexuality headcanon: biromantic asexual!!

2. otp: hellwizard and/or rune wars.

3. brotp:  team science mega force

4. notp:  just gonna say paul right down the line, for Comedic Effect.

but for a while there were people who were like scott/delphine or scott/cosima and it was.  a no from me.

5. first headcanon that pops into my head:  has the unfortunate job of first one down to the lab in the morning.  he either wakes cosima and delphine up or walks really loudly to alert them that he is there.  he is usually someone who likes to start work early, but… he starts coming in later because he’s seen things that he Did Not Want To See.  he is unable to make eye contact with cosima for a week after she was going to run to the kitchen to grab breakfast naked but didn’t know he was there.  poor guy.

6. one way in which I relate to this character:  Uncomfortable Chortling™.

7. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: Uncomfortable Chortling™.8. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?:  cinnamon roll.  the purest one.  he just really wants to help his bro.

art

1. sexuality headcanon:  bi art woulda been cool.

2. otp: safety and happiness.  i don’t know what we know about his ex but if it was healthy and loving but just dissolved bc of him working so much then maybe he could reconnect with her?  

3. brotp:  beth and art 5ever

4. notp:  sarah.  They Are Friends.

5. first headcanon that pops into my head:  is such a good dad.  plays dress up and does tea parties and when charlotte is having behavioral problems at school takes the time to talk to her and figures out it’s bc she’s bored and too smart.  had to be forced to stop bed time stories bc ‘that’s for babies, dad!!!�� was a little more than heartbroken.  is the dad that runs out onto the soccer field when his kid is taken down and appears to be injured.  cries openly when he finds out that helena named her son after him.

6. one way in which I relate to this character:  Guy Who Just Wants His Friends To Get Their Lives Together But Doesn’t Worry About His Own.

7. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: in the finale there was this shot of him while he was helping helena give birth.  and i think they went too close with a short lens while he was laughing because his face kinda looked distorted.  and it was a nice laughing face but the distortion kinda scared me.  made me think something bad was about to happen WHICH WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN OKAY8. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: cinnamon roll

mk

1. sexuality headcanon:  asexual aromantic

2. otp: how just so totally alive she still is and how she killed freshanando

3. brotp:  nicki? nikki?  however you spell her name.  and also beth.

4. notp:  death.  canon.

5. first headcanon that pops into my head: got pretty much all of her money from embezzling and investing.  she only embezzled like $2,000 from each corporation, but she was so good at timing and watching the market she’s sitting on several million dollars.  but she likes her trailer so she just gives the extra away as it comes in.  at least now that she has family to gift it to.

cosima enrolls at University of Toronto and finds the exact amount for her tuition is wired to her account.

delphine needs to buy a whole new wardrobe and rebuild her life and an envelope full of cash is waiting in the mailbox at the comic book store.  (not the point right now, but where THE FUCK was she getting her clothes???)

alison is worried about the kids’ college tuition bc of their year of unemployment plus drug dealing and gets a transfer.

sarah takes some time in finding a job and is worried about making a payment on S’s house but then it magically goes away and so does the next one.

etc. etc.  and she never runs out of money, but everybody else just thinks she’s being so generous.  and they never ask for more, bc god how could you ask for more after gifts like that.  and so she just keeps accruing more and more interest so she starts just dumping all this money on charities.

6. one way in which I relate to this character:  i really wanna blow frickinanderino up.  

7. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character:i don’t think there was anything...  but i don’t really remember much of s4... maybe the driving with the sheep mask on?  that was so dangerous and extra.8. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?:  cinnamon roll

rachel

1. sexuality headcanon:  i’ve been seeing some people talking about lesbian rachel and i can get behind that.  like seeing the number of clones showing signs of ‘sexual fluidity’ or whatever the book phrased it as.  and she doesn’t want to be like them.  so she forces it down to be The Perfect Subject.  then later realizes that that made those subjects of more interest to some of the scientists.  or she never considered it for herself because they always gave her male monitors so she just didn’t think about it.  there’s some angst there.

2. otp:  propane.

3. brotp:  who was the guy she texted ‘update pls’?  bc whoever she felt she could text slang with they must’ve been close.

4. notp:  paul, but i mean it this time.

5. first headcanon that pops into my head:  go read @sharkodactyl s fic the sun that’s setting in the east.  

6. one way in which I relate to this character: is a sucker and would do anything for an authority figure’s approval.

7. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character:anything to do with ferfuckle.  honey.  love yourself.8. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?:  Problematic.  not even fave.  i felt for rachel, but it was very cool_motive_still_murder.gif.  unlike with other characters who did bad things, her intent was to harm.  even if it was misguided revenge against the wrong people.  though i am glad that she got out alive and can try to live a life that she actually chooses rather than what is chosen for her.

krystal

1. sexuality headcanon:  idk.. maybe pansexual?  or she just doesn’t do labels and has a whole speech about it.

2. otp: brie.  they even have a canon ship name in kay-bee.

3. brotp:  manicures, mimosas, & croissants as described here.  but basically krystal, adele, and delphine.  they go for brunch, get their nails done, and tipsily validate the everliving fuck out of each other.

4. notp:  paul, cuz why not.

5. first headcanon that pops into my head:  bc kay-bee is obviously canon... after the incident with brie’s hair krystal is extra careful when she plays with her hair.  and she takes extra special but sneaky looks to see if she’s getting any bald spots.  in short, she’s worried about her girlfriend and wants to make sure she’s okay.

6. one way in which I relate to this character:  does The Most but is dead wrong.

7. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character:  the fact that john and graeme didn’t know that she was based on a kroll show bit and accidentally kinda stole her.8. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?:  the cinnamoniest of rolls

adele

1. sexuality headcanon:  i feel like she is a straight person?  she just reminds me of my country relatives who have ‘live, laugh, love’ signs in their homes.  idk why.

2. otp:  getting help for her drinking problem and getting un disbarred.  re barred?

3. brotp:  as stated above:  manicures, mimosas, & croissants.

4. notp:  fuck it.  paul.

5. first headcanon that pops into my head:  she’s scarily good at video games.  she didn’t even realize it until she sat down to play with the kids, at their request, and finds out that she can’t stop winning.  the kids then ask her to leave.

6. one way in which I relate to this character:  is also very ready to drink at any time.

7. thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character:idk i feel like she was a wholesome addition to clone club.  maybe her inability to keep a secret even though everybody told her to not tell.8. cinnamon roll or problematic fave?:  cinnamon roll.

[actualbird]

Hmmmmn do u have any all-time fave fics u could ref? I trust u

OH MAN!!! u didnt specify any fandom so im assuming you mean my all time faves from WHEREVER and OH BOY!!! 

i actually have fic rec page on my blog which spans over a whole bunch of fandoms and has cool legends like humor and angst and stuff (im still working on it tho omg) along with my catchall fic tag where i shove all the fics i reblog. but you asked for my ALL TIME FAVES so here are some off the top of my head (im limiting myself to one per fandom or else id be here FOREVER). 

(note: pls check the tags of fics before you read them)

Designations Congruent with Things by cleanwhiteroom (alt link) [Pacific Rim]

He begins at it already pried apart

OHHHHHH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. oh my GOD. okay i lose my shit over Designations Congruent with Things on a yearly basis because it is, by far, one of the most stunning pieces of fiction ive read. full stop. not only is it a feat of fanfiction (it’s GODDAMN LONG. it’s been taken off of ao3, so i cant check the wc, but damn i remember it was long), but as a story, it’s just. god, i dont even know what to say. ive already talked about this fic in a previous ask, so im just going to reiterate all my love again, just phrased slightly differently.

DCwT is an epic piece of Newt/Hermann Pacific Rim fanfiction. it follows Hermann and Newt after the events of the movie and delve painfully into each and every consequence their actions cause. it’s quite possibly the hardest thing ive ever read, for many reasons; the emotions are so vivid and they hurt; the science is so well researched it took me an hour to get through a paragraph because i my brain was still trying to catch up; Run On Sentences For Miles; it’s really, really goddamn long. i remember it got some flack for being over complicated, but in my opinion, the things that make this fic difficult are exactly what make it incredible. it’s overly cerebral in a way two messed up genius scientists would absolutely be. this fic is. i dont have words for it. i have only read the whole thing in its entirety ONCE and i have tried to reread it but goddamn is it difficult. this fic is definitely not for everybody, but it’s a piece of art that gained a bit of a cult following back when it was updating. (theres a fictional band in the fic that inspired ppl to make the band and the music real. RIGHT???) anyway this fic is basically the cornerstone which i worship when it comes to fanfiction as a genre of literature. jesus christ. jesus christ.

World Ain’t Ready by idiopathicsmile [Les Miserables]

Enjolras presses his lips together. He already looks pained, and Grantaire hasn’t even opened his mouth yet. That’s got to be a record, even for them.

“I need a favor,” he says at last.

“With what?” says Grantaire. “Ooh, are you forming a cult? Can I join? I’d be awesome at cults, I just know it.” He ticks off his qualifications on his fingers. “I love chanting, I look great in robes—”

(High school AU. Grantaire the disaffected stoner is pulled into a cause bigger than himself. Or: in which there are pretend boyfriends for great justice.)

if youve ever been in the les mis fandom i know you know this fic. i know youve already read this fic. i know that your dog has probably already read this fic. i know that this fic has been recced to hell and back, and currently resides as the most kudo-sed work in the les mis tag on AO3. but im reccing it anyways because it’s just THAT GOOD. this fic got me INTO THE FANDOM. pacing. plot. characterization. teen angst. HUMOR. this fic is perfect. literally no other words. it’s just perfect. i read this in my last few months of senior year high school, and never before have i ever read a fic that actually, truly, felt like it was about teenagers. the narrative and the voice. the dialog. god. if this were a book, id buy it. and that’s saying something because im always BROKE. but id buy this fic. several times. who am i kidding. you dont need to know this bc youve read this fic before. if you havent, please. do yourself a favor. oh my god. oh my god. (and when youre done, read all of idiopathicsmile’s other fics too god theyre all SO GOOD)

catch me if you can by isawet [Teen Wolf]

What do you think of my solution to the Kobayashi Maru?

hands down one of my favorite teen wolf fic. a vague summary gives way to a fic with incredible characterization. fucking beautiful writing style. non-chronological story telling done wonderfully. and gosh, that ending. hilarious in tiny bits that make it all the more better. just, honestly. this fic needs so much more love. it’s my go-to fic whenever i want to understand just how one can utilize suspense and tension in writing. what the hell. what the

Segments [series] by d_aia [Kingsman: The Secret Service]

“Are you sure that’s how you want to tell him?” Merlin asked once again.

“He will need space to deal with situation. It’s how he copes,” Arthur explained and a bit pretentiously at that, if one were to ask Merlin. “I’m giving him a place and a reason to run.”

Merlin chose to shut up.

all fics in this series? my favorite. it’s intelligent, brutal, beautiful. it’s been a while since ive read these, but theres a reason these fics still haunt me. god. god.

Graduate Vulcan for Fun and Profit by lazulisong [Star Trek: AOS]

It really does take a village to raise a Jim.

The members of the Kelvin’s crew watch over Jim as much as he lets them.

I LOVE THIS FIC SOOOOOOO MUCH. it’s a really delicate, heartfelt piece that isnt afraid to be an asshole sometimes, which is basically jim kirk in a nutshell. not only does it go through an incredible reflective relationship with some rando vulcan who decided to take him under his wing, but it does so in a realistic way that doesnt over dramatize aspects, but still ends up very vivid. also, THERES VULCAN LINGUISTICS. linguistics + fanfiction = 10000000% Best Shit EVER.

fathers and sons by M_Leigh [X-Men: DoFP]

“I have an – interest – in Peter Maximoff,” Erik said, somewhat grudgingly, glaring. “A – familial – interest –”

Everybody stared at him.

“In that – mutantkind is one – large – family –” Erik said valiantly, if pathetically.

“Oh, shit,” Alex said. “No way. No way.”

ghghgfjhdh the first xmen fic i ever read and by far, the most fukcgin hilarious. jesus CHRIST. theres just something subtly incredible about how the author uses phrasing to make every sentence as goddamn funny as they are. im really in love with the comma placement in this fic. every comma is exactly where it needs to be. every em dash is where it belongs. IM NOT MAKING SENSE, but i would send this fic to people as a prime example of narrative humor uplifted via phrasing and punctuation. just read this fic. it’s got Hank POV, Charles being a “strange lecherous Englishman”, Peter being a Teen, and everybody drags Erik’s fashion choices. 

Repeat After Me by queenieofaces [Yuri On Ice]

Victor learns language through mimicry, hears phrases and repeats them back until the inflection becomes second nature. Yuuri seems to communicate best through euphemism, through metaphor, through talking around the subject rather than approaching it head on, and so Victor tries his best to mimic him, to take his words and echo them back.

(Vignettes in language learning and communication, spanning the whole series.)

SO!! FUCKING!!! GOOD!!!!!!!! i think ive mentioned how much i LOVE LANGUAGE and this fic tackles the language barrier in a beautiful, earnest way. as a bilingual, this fic was just so so so good. victor is just bounding with love in this fic and the writing just feels so..,,,,warm.,,,,, 

OKAY i know you only asked for fic recs and not….all these rambles but. i just have a lot of love for fanfiction. fanfiction is so great. we are so lucky. we are so lucky. dont 4get to leave kudos and comments on fics you like! happy reading anon!!!

[apricotflowerp0t-blog]

Old poems

these are all of MY older poems going from 2014-2017

found my wattpad from ages ago and im going to be posting my old poems every now and then so pls dont make fun of me these are old but i WILL eventually start to post my newer work soon xxxxx 

 Suicide stays on my mental

Wondering what's really gonna happen when I finally break thru

When I finally get fed up and sick of the shit

When I finally sit there and decide to quit

The only thing that's stopping me is my own hand

Feels like nobody really there like it's all just an act

I really don't have nobody that truly got my back

Every single one of you is fake and fucking temporary

Nobody gonna b satisfied till I finally end it

Till I finally get pushed to the point and say fuck it

You think I'm all talk but watch one day I'll show you

When I finally get the guts to just end it cuz see I don't even know you

I could cut it off quick like I got nothing to live for

Cuz see I'm truly careless like it don't even matter

You not gonna b happy till my brains really splatter

Suicide crosses my mind often

I wonder what I look like inside of a coffin

I have a handful of attempts but see when I get to that point I hear this voice in my head don't know if it's god, satan, or just somebody dead

The voice always tells me to stop and I end up listening but I'm learning to ignore them and eventually you'll see my blood glistening

I turn it into jokes so I don't have to deal with it

So I don't have to accept the fact that I'm not good or how I'm misunderstood

Suicide all in my head Wondering what's gonna happen if I end up dead

When I say goodbye and go to the sky Don't miss me then cuz we both know it's pretend 

-c.m

(2014)

i rolled with the punches

although sometimes it felt as if i was getting jumped

i can still taste the tears of regret

i can feel the feeling of mental abandonment

i hold my breathe all day

and fucking gasp for air at night

you were the same as everyone else

you changed me and not for the good

i hate the fact that i can not hate you

you made me feel so alone

i loved you and you loved to make me cry

i didnt care bc you were the only one there

yet you made me want to pull out my hair

its like you hated me more than you loved me

you got a kick out of hurting my heart and watching me fall apart

i got a kick out of having someone to call my own

you made me feel ugly and worthless

made me feel like i was not worth it

your words would cut me like sharp piks

your voice was frightening like the scary music in a horror film

but our memories still cross my mind from time to time

i would look into your eyes and you would always look back

so tell me did why did you have to hurt me

why did you have to make me feel even more forsaken

you lied to me so much that i never knew the truth

and i think thats starting to happen with this new girl too

see youve changed me and not for the better

now i can never trust someone fully it just wont b the same

and to this day i still cringe when i hear your name

i see the good in all people and see thats my problem

i should of turned around as soon as you walked in

young thoughts that walk thru my mind but only sometimes

(2015)

-c.m

i’ve lived in a life of heaven examined as a world of sin

your eyes are the fences to heaven within

each day i will tell you your worth

that you are my personal guardian angel here on earth

that you are my sunshine on a dark day

that by your side i will stay until the day we turn gray

you showed up right in time

for you any hill i will climb

cariño, sólo pienso en ti

without you id b empty

you are truly a blessing

the thought of losing you is quite depressing

you are my favorite daydream

when i look at you i can tell your eyes gleam

make you climax till you scream

for you id do anything

-c.m

(2017)

i get happy over little stuff

i like words like shit and fuck

i dont enjoy having friends

i see the world thru a thick lens

i have a dog named junior

yeah hes rad and gnarly

i dont ever go to parties

and i dont like 2 say sorry

all my thoughts are glitter and sparkly

im looking for myself like safari

i like girls more than boys

i play with they emotions like toys

a lot of people crush on me

always rushing and nudging me

they like the way that im raw and how i put them in awe

i hit my head on the wall

i act like i am above all

im always laughing like im off alcohol

i find everything funny

like how my mom just dont love me

dirty everyone has done me

how everyone likes to just judge me

they like how im chubby and lovely

i like music a lot

my thoughts are always nonstop

sometimes they call me flowerpot

i like to drink tea and not soda

im the sickest, ebola

i hate the winter its too cold

in the summer i grow

i like stickers and socks

i like the jellies and boondocks

i like anime and hentai

i dont like to lie or cry

im sweet like pumpkin pie

i hit that bitch in her eye

i own nothing but ripped vans

but one day youll see me driving that benz

i like strawberry shakes

and to make girls legs quake

i keep them wet, the great lakes

i like long walks by myself

i cant reach the top shelf

i think tattoos and piercings are cool

trust no one, thats my rule

i like oldies and funk

im clumsy like an old drunk

i dont like to come out my bubble

it always seems to put me in trouble

i hate to hate

to me you may never relate

i get happy over little stuff

i put up this front like im tough

i seem to carry bad luck

im the best, hands up

-c.m

(2014)

screaming 666

my feelings mix

wonder what he has in his bag of tricks

my eyes continue to drip

i feel my soul as it slips

should i give it to him or keep it for myself

my soul is cold like an ice shelf

hes called for my name himself

shall i continue to be forever alone by oneself

or give it away to be loved and admired

my patience is expired

singing by myself like a lonely choir

wondering what it feels like to be sincerely supported and appreciated

wondering why i was even created

the fearsome part is is that i am not afraid

ive often thought about giving my psyche for trade

it walks across my mind often

i continue to live a life of no precaution

i sin often

so whats the point

why am i waiting

should i give it up and inside become rotten

or stay on the safe side and still disappoint

wondering if that deal would be worth it

cuz everyone knows im not perfect

-c.m

(2017)

god treated my sexuality like a joke

ive always knew but i never spoke

the day they found out everything went rabbid

acting like my choice of companions was just a bad habbit

ugly words thrown at me like queer and fruitcake

fruitcake to every christmas dinner that i am no longer welcomed at

not wanting me to walk in front of them like a black cat

get up everyday wearing the word faggot like an expensive pair of sunglasses

take the time to cross the street just so you dont  have to share a sidewalk with me

die of thirst so they dont have to use the same water fountain as me

that i should just like he and not she

saying that i am a sin and you will pray for me

cuz im homo you act like im ill like im missing chromos

think its a shame so you back out of my life in slow-mo

that girl es asqueroso y loco

then to accept me you rather push me on the streets like a hobo

sorry that i cannot be saved and you cant just wash this sin away

at the end of the day i dont care if you stay

-c.m

(2016)

Hi my angel

I hope all is well

I hope you still look down on me while I sit in this empty cell

No it's not jail but simply life now

I thought I could never do it without you but look at me now

I miss you dearly and still cry often

Wondering why you had to lay in that coffin

The thought of you still makes my eyes tear

The fact that I will never see you again makes me want to throw a chair

I forgot what your voice sounds like and even your laugh

I'd give anything up to take all that back

My first mother, father and friend

I'd kill someone to see you just once again

I miss you my angel more than anything I've took grip of

I hope you still look down from way up above

Always in my heart my one and true love

Goodbye for now but I'll see you again

Forever my angel till we meet again

-c.m

(2016)

[yuzuria]

Bnha for the 1 and komahina for the 2!

001 | bnha

Favorite character: kacchan!! i havent gotten around in bnha lately but hes still my number one angry sonLeast Favorite character: the grape pervert i forgot the name, monota? mineta?5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): i dont srsly ship any of these but i enjoy some like kiribaku (yebc of u) momojirou is cute!! todomomo dekuraka (tfw ur str8) and tododeku Character I find most attractive: hatsume and momo!! also /sweaty/ midnightCharacter I would marry: maybe momo i adore her a lot Character I would be best friends with: uraraka!!! the sweetest summer child. id rly love to be in their group tbh iida (?) and deku are cool tooA random thought: i need to relearn their names and catch up. i stopped reading at ch 69 (yes i did that in purpose so i can remember)An unpopular opinion: hmm not rly i dont even know whats popular or not My canon OTP: is there one? hm nahNon-canon OTP: nahMost badass character: iwant kendou itsuka to kick me and step on me and make me her personal punching bagPairing I am not a fan of: teachers/teachers and don’t ever tell me teacher/students existsCharacter I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): i still don’t rly know yet !Favourite friendship: are deku and kacchan’s mom besties or was that just a hc? if not then for the main trio and momojirou

002 | komahina

when or if I started shipping it. my thoughts: okay so i think i’ve known them since 2013, i was a lurker and had seen stuff of them. i even had a bad impression of them bc said materials let me saw the “fanon komahina” with crazy stalker ko x tsun maso hinata so i stayed away as much as possible from that order (till now tbh it scarred me). then dr3 happened ! i invested a lot of time while dr3 was airing to get to know them and spoiled myself to the majority of sdr2, i was in denial in that period tbh bc i was dissatisfied with their rship in sdr2 bc of the lack of closure and how i believed hinata won’t ever return komaeda’s feelings (as how i put it before when i still didnt know better) it’s almost hilarious i was in denial i ship them while i read their top fics in ao3, 100k word fics included, every night then wake up and tell the world nope! i dont ship them! then it just happened, the denial decreased, i started to read more abt sdr2, followed ppl and read their thoughts about komahina, kibou hen already ended, occasional rts (spams) their art in twitter then before i knew it, i never expected myself to like komahina but im in here deep

What makes me happy about them: how do i even start… i had to sort through my memory bc almost all of their canon interactions make me sad. ok first thing i love how one’s smile has impact to the other, of how hinata thinks ko’s smile is calming and drives his worries away and how painful it was for komaeda to remember hinata’s that implies to weigh equally as his death in sdr2.5 ( this is sad and not happy wtf ) hinata wanting to understand komaeda, komaeda feeling serenity when he’s with hinata, the dangan island scenes!! the ridiculous ones with “i don’t mind if you want to see me naked”, hinata taking komaeda to a carousel, komaeda being nervous around hinata when he noticed they’re alone, hinata never expressed disgust or called ko “creepy” in canon unlike the others where he thinks komaeda being confusing. and hinata reaching out to take komaeda’s hand twice in sdr2.5 

What makes me sad about them: everything in sdr2 wtf? one, there’s so many unsaid things between them in canon, like komaeda saying less about his feelings when there’s more to it, him lying about lying about his condition in his last fte and hinata’s confused and frustrated over that? he didn’t know which are true or not and he simply can’t figure it out alone. komaeda and their hostile situation are definitely not helping. also where he shrugs off thoughts that could lead him understanding komaeda’s true feelings as “overthinking” especially in chapter 5. but in the end of his fte, hinata acknowledges he feels a mysterious bond with him which is true, of how they look after each other in a way after everything and other else.

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: i back off before i start to read those i think are gonna annoy me but i hate myself and i still checked so here are some,

-the fanon komahina mentioned above goes here without a doubt-the crack fics that spam and flood their tag… like really? shrekmaeda? trumpmaeda? s*mmer l*ve???-the “uwu so pure cant hurt everyone! pls protect me hinatakun” komaeda and “hide in my arms babe im here for u” hinata-just. very aggressive and clingy komaeda.-violent dom/sub, noncon, hate sex-shsl slut hinata-kun-fucking komaeda who’s stuttering every single time

Things I look for in fanfic: i’m up to anything! tbh i’ll accept any post dr3 where they’re happy or alternative post sdr2 where it’s angsty with pent up emotions and both of them have to deal with a lot of things left from the simulation (im disappointed sdr2.5 didnt give us drama :0 ) or just simple fluff aus good for the soul. angsty aus bc sadness is never enough to me. canon divergence!! im happy to see some twists made within sdr2… and dr3 please. 

My kinks:  komahina being passionate with each other : ‘  D

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: non Non No. this ask got very long do you think i even have the time to imagine either of them without the other… well there’s kamukoma, technically it doesn’t count, and that’s it

My happily ever after for them: komahina moving on from ordeals together finally reached a complete understanding, they might still hit a rocky road along the way but they have each other to rely on. that s cheesy, most probably, but please

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.