#(and there's also something to be said for queer trash tv. that has a place! but i won't get into it)

[itwoodbeprefect]

happy 1 year anniversary to the election results that were so fucked they had me trying to take my mind off of things by watching what seemed like a toxic chinese queerbait show only to find something far more thoughtful and genuinely queer and interesting than expected and end up watching a bunch more unrelated things that are talked about in vaguely the same realms of the internet and then watch bad buddy twice in a row and fall into an endless bingewatch of thai media (some of which is mediocre, some of which is bad, much of which is simply pretty good, and some of which is genuinely incredible) and go, well, it would be a waste of all this language input i'm accidentally giving myself right now if i didn't at least learn a few words. thus accidentally locking myself into watching even more thai media because now i gain serotonin from hearing a sentence i know i could write

[supercalime]

A goodbye post I guess?

Hey yall, i wanted to write something about all of this as this may be the last time I talk about this show. Apologies in advance, this will be long and all over the place cause im using this little essay to get it off my chest and help me calm down my anxiety. Strap in, this will be a doozy.

First off, no matter how sad and disappointed we are, let’s please not stoop down to the level of those fans when it comes to voicing our issues with this situation. Please, let’s not harass, call people names, send them threats, etc. we can voice our opinions in an adult way, and although it fucking hurts and it makes us want to shout from the rooftops and call Murphy, Minear and Stark every name in the sun, we need to be grown ups and come out on top of it.

That being said, I want to first acknowledge how fun and cool yall are. We endured A LOT of shit since april and all that bullshit didn’t stop you from keeping the positivity going. I applaud you all for that. It has been hard. I came in contact and became friends with some really nice people here and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I loved being a part of this fandom and it physically hurts me that this feels like it was all for nothing.

Even though I feel like a fool as well, I hate to see how you are all so sad with this. This wasn’t our fault. We were not naive for believing that this storyline could’ve been great. Don’t blame yourself for being taken advantage of. Because that’s what they did. They saw the opportunity to profit from a community and took it. They are the ones in the wrong. They used us for brownie points and then tossed us away like trash the second they got what they wanted. It’s on them.

What I’m about to say now will sound hypocritical as I’m writing this at 2am while trying to cope with an anxiety attack caused by this very show, but what we can take away from this is that unfortunately, we can’t rely on tv shows for happiness. Yes, that’s a bitter pill to swallow, specially in this political climate as we were hoping for some sort of escape from the horrors of the elections. What i took away from this is that I need to (for lack of a better word) touch grass. I need hobbies, I need friends. All things that I’ve been lacking because fandom stuff is easier. I need to find stuff that makes me happy that doesn’t depend on outside factors. But also I want to make sure that if a show is all you have, that’s okay and is even more okay to feel betrayed. I was an absolute mess a few years ago when a show I adored stabbed their fans in the back, but it gets better. You still get angry remembering you were done dirty but I promise that the memories that stick are the positive ones.

I don’t wanna go on a deleting spree but I also don’t want to be reminded of this hurtful moment as the wound is still fresh, so I’m deciding to reevaluate some things offline, like I did with previous fandoms, and come back when I’m ready. I don’t think I’ll leave tumblr or never watch/talk about 911 again but I need some time and space from it so I can feel better. I don’t want to doom scroll through the tags like I did tonight. What Ryan Murphy, Tim Minear and Oliver Stark did to us was awful, but the best thing I can do is not let these three men influence my mental health. I won’t let a tv show ruin me because it’s not my fault. It’s not our fault to believe that there were half decent people in the entertainment industry that cares about the portrayal of queer individuals. They will have to sleep at night with that knowledge and deal with the consequences from the BoBs. And if these guys decide to humor the BoBs that’s their funeral. It would further show they never cared about representation and just wanted to save face after making so many people miserable for simply enjoying a canon ship. I hope they can see the consequences because I’m not even the target here. I’m hurt for all the queer men that saw themselves in buck and tommy, that even messaged the actors thanking them for their honest portrayal.

In conclusion, here’s my goodbye (for now).

Thank you so much bucktommy nation!

Yall are the best,

Love, Lety 🖤

[shirlleycoyle]

How 9/11 Became Fan Fiction Canon

Every fictional character you can think of has experienced 9/11 in fanfiction.

A Clone Wars veteran with two lightsabers is on United Airlines Flight 93 and prevents it from crashing. Ron and Hermione get caught up in the chaos as the towers fall. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and her friends watch the attacks unfold on TV from Sunnydale. We have spent 20 years trying to process what happened on 9/11 and its fallout, and that messy process can be tracked through the countless, sad, disturbing, and sometimes very funny fanfiction left across the internet.

Many of the fanfics written in the weeks and months following the 9/11 attacks seemed to directly respond to the news as it happened, processing the tragedy in real-time through the eyes of characters they loved. In the absence of a canon episode where Daria Morgendorffer paid respects to those lost, writing fanfic about these characters also experiencing trauma helped fans cope.

One YuGiOh fanfic published on fanfiction.net in May 2002 could have been ripped exactly from what this writer experienced that Tuesday morning. “It started as a normal day,” user Gijinka Renamon wrote. Yugi and his friends were in school, where their teacher informed them of the attacks and sent everyone home from school.

“After reading people’s 9/11 fics, I decided to write my own, and put a certain character in it. And Yugi and his pals were my first choice,” the author's note reads, explaining the connection they felt to United flight 93 and the World Trade Center attacks. Given that they lived in Pennsylvania, and “it’s close to New York, I felt really sad about it.”

Stitch, a fandom journalist for Teen Vogue, told Motherboard that this reaction to 9/11 is not at all uncommon in fandom.

"Fandom has always been a place that positions nothing as 'off limits,'" she said. "Historical tragedies like the Titanic sinking and atrocities like… all of World War 2 show up regularly across the past 30 years of people creating stories and art about the characters they love. So, on some level, it makes sense that 9/11 and the following 20-year military installation in the Middle East has joined the ranks of things people in different fandoms turn into settings for their fan fiction."

Reactions depicted in a handful of Buffy the Vampire Slayer fanfics published in the weeks after the attacks ring a little truer to the characters. “Tuesday, 11th September 2001,” written by Anna K, almost echoes the lyrics from “I’ve Got a Theory,” one of the songs in the musical episode that aired in November 2001. “We have seen the apocalypse. We have prevented it. Actually, we’ve prevented quite a few. So we know what they look like,” they write, before taking a darker turn. “They look a lot like…New York today.”

Killing demons and vampires doesn’t phase the Scooby Gang, but when preventable human death is brought into the picture, it’s gut wrenching.

“What am I supposed to do…When I can’t do anything to save the world?” Buffy cries  into Spike’s chest, watching the attacks unfold on TV in a fanfic the author described as being “about feeling numb and helpless.”

In “Blood Drive,” Kirayoshi writes about Buffy and her friends saving a van full of donated blood meant for victims of the attacks from a group of thirsty vampires. One Buffy the Vampire Slayer fic even takes a blindly patriotic turn, where noted lesbian witch Tara McClay helps Xander hang an American flag from the window of the magic shop to make Anya feel better.

Experiencing 9/11 as a young teenager was overwhelming not just because of the loss of life. Almost immediately after the event itself, it was as if the entirety of American culture re-oriented itself towards an overtly jingoistic stance. As we get distance from the attacks, seeing the tone of television and movies from the early 2000s is jarring, and some have gone viral on Twitter. In the world of pop music, mainstream musicians like the Chicks, formerly known as the Dixie Chicks, were blacklisted from the radio while Toby Keith sang about putting a boot up the ass of terrorists. On the Disney Channel, a young Shia Labeouf reading a poem he supposedly wrote about the events. The poem concludes with the line, "it's awesome to be an American citizen."

In a world so completely saturated with this messaging, it is not surprising that fanfic authors started including 9/11 in their work so soon after the event. Even The West Wing had a strange, out of continuity, fanfic-esque episode where the characters reacted to 9/11. In some cases, it made sense that the characters in the stories would be close to or a part of the events themselves.

"For characters like John Watson or Captain America, the idea works to an extent," Stitch told Motherboard. "In the original Sherlock Holmes works and the 2011 BBC series, Watson had just returned from Afghanistan. For Captain America and other Marvel heroes, 9/11 was something that was addressed in-universe in The Amazing Spider-Man volume 2 #36. Technically, 9/11 is 'canon' to the Marvel universe."

In “Early Warning: Terrorism,” a fanfiction for the TV show Early Edition in which a man who mysteriously receives tomorrow's newspaper, predicting the future, avoids jingoism, but tries to precent 9/11 from happening. This fanfic remains unfinished; it’s unclear if the characters successfully prevent 9/11 in this retelling.

Largely in fanfic from the era just after 9/11, when many young authors were trying to emotionally grapple with it, the characters don't re-write or undo the events themselves. It's this emphasis on the reaction to tragedy that colors the fanfiction that features 9/11 going forward.

Although fanfiction authors have been writing about 9/11 consistently since soon after the event, whenever that fanfiction reaches outside of its intended audience, it looks bizarre.

A screenshot of a Naruto 9/11 fanfic on the Tumblr subreddit comes without any context, or even more than two lines and an author's note. It’s impossible to suss out if this falls into the category of sincere fanfic without the rest of the piece or a publication date, but modern-day commenters on the Reddit thread see it as classic Tumblr trash.

Screenshot from r/Tumblr

“Bin Laden/Dick Cheney, enemies to lovers, 10k words, slow burn,” one user joked in the replies, underscoring the weirdness of Naruto being in the Twin Towers by comparing it to a What If story about Cheney and Bin Laden slowly falling deeply in love.

It’s hard to tell how much of the 9/11 fanfic and fanart starting a few years after the attacks is sincere, and how much of it is ironic, and trying to make fun of the very concept of writing fanfiction about 9/11.

A 2007 anime music video (in which various clips, usually from anime, are cut together to music) that combines scenes from The Lion King with Linkin Park’s “Crawling” and clips from George Bush’s speeches immediately after the attacks feels like the perfect example of this. Even the commenters can’t seem to suss out if this person is a troll or not.

There’s no way that My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic 9/11 fanart could be serious, right? Especially if the description pays tribute to “some of the nation's most memorable buildings,” and features five of the main characters as child versions of themselves. The comments again are split between users thanking the artist for a thoughtful remembrance post, and people making their own headcanon for why Twilight Sparkle is surreptitiously absent from the scene.

Screengrab via DeviantArt

There’s Phineas and Ferb fanfic that combines a 9/11 tribute concert with flashbacks to Ferb being rescued from the towers as a baby, written on the 10th anniversary of the attacks. It jumps from introspection to lines like, “‘Quiet Perry the Platypus. I’m trying to listen to these kids singing a 9/11 tribute.’”

The author's notes make it more likely that they meant for this to be a tribute piece, but it doesn’t quite make sense until watching a YouTube dramatic reading of it from 2020, fully embracing the absurdity of it all.

“For me, 9/11 is synonymous with war. It completely changed the course of my life," Dreadnought, the author of a Captain America fanfic Baghdad Waltz that sees Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes fall in love over the course of the war on terror, told Motherboard. "It’s the reason I joined the military, and I developed deep connections with people who would go on to deploy to Afghanistan and Iraq. These very much felt like my generation’s wars, perhaps because people I graduated high school with were the youngest folks eligible to serve at the time.”

Dreadnought told Motherboard that although they didn't deploy, their career has kept 9/11 and the trauma from it in their mind. After seeing that people who fantasize about Steve and Bucky getting together seemed particularly interested in reading fanfiction that related to 9/11, they decided to try their hand at it.

"I had to do something with all of that emotionally, and I’m admittedly a bit emotionally avoidant. So I learned through fic that it’s easier for me to process those feelings and the knowledge of all the awful stuff that can happen in war if I can turn it into something creative," Dreadnought said. "Give the feelings to fake people and then have those fake people give the feelings to readers!"

To Dreadnought, who is a queer man, the experience of researching and writing this was more cathartic than they first expected, especially as a way to navigate feelings about masculinity, military culture, and queer identity. But they said the research they did, which included watching footage of first responders at ground zero, was what helped them finally process the event itself.

"It was like a delayed horror, and it was more powerful than I expected it would be." Dreadnought said. "When I was eighteen, I was pretty emotionally divorced from 9/11; I just knew I wanted to do something about it. So coming back to it in my 30s while writing this fic, it was a very different experience. Even the research for this story ended up being an extraordinarily valuable exercise in cognitively and emotionally processing 9/11 and all of its second and third order effects."

Fanfiction that features 9/11 provides an outlet for people who still grapple with the trauma from that day. But Stitch warns that the dynamics of fandom and how it relates to politics can also create fiction that's less respectful and more grotesque.

"With years of distance between the stories written and the original events of 9/11, there seems to be some sort of cushion for fans who choose to use those events as a catalyst for relationships—and Iraq and Afghanistan for settings," Stitch said. "The cushion allows them room to fictionalize real world events that changed the shape of the world as we know it, but it also insulates them from having to think about what they may be putting into the world."

The tendency of turning these events into settings or backgrounds for mostly white, male characters to fall in love has the unintended effect of displacing the effects that the war on terror has had on the world over. Steve and Bucky might fall in love during the war on terror, but they would also be acting as a part of the American military in a war that has been criticized since it started. Fanfic writers in other fandoms have come under fire for using real world tragedy as settings for fic before. In the aftermath of the 2010 Haiti earthquake Supernatural fanfiction about the actors Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki going to the island to do aid became controversial within the fandom. There have also been fics where characters grapple with the death of George Floyd that is written in a way that displaces the event from the broader cultural context of race in America.

"A Captain America story where Steve Rogers is a 'regular' man who joins the US Army and 'fights for our freedom' post-9/11 is unlikely to deal with the war’s effect on locals who are subject to US military intervention," Stitch said. "It’s unlikely to sit with what Captain America has always meant and what a writer is doing by dropping Steve Rogers into a then-ongoing conflict in any capacity."

After enough time, “never forget” can even morph into “but what if it never happened?” A 19k+ word Star Wars alternate universe fanfic asks this question, wondering what would have unfolded if someone with two lightsabers was on United Flight 93. This fic, part of a larger fanfic series with its own Wikia, considers what would have happened if Earth was a military front in the Clone Wars.

In this version of events, a decorated general who served in the Clone Wars is able to take back control of Flight 93 before it crashes, landing safely and preventing even more tragedy from happening that day. In the end, all of the passengers who made harrowing last calls to their loved ones before perishing in a Pennsylvania field survive thanks to the power of the Force, and are awarded medals of honor by President Bush.

Twenty years after the attacks, it’s painful to think about what would have happened if people got to work 15 minutes later, or missed their trains that morning. There weren’t Jedi masters deployed to save people in real life, but for some of the fanfic writers working today, the world of Star Wars might feel just as removed as the world before September 11, 2001.

Fiction serves as a powerful playground for processing cultural events, especially generational trauma. The act isn't neutral though; a decade's worth of fanfiction that takes place on or around 9/11 shows how our own understanding of a traumatic event can shift with time.

How 9/11 Became Fan Fiction Canon syndicated from https://triviaqaweb.wordpress.com/feed/

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

i hope this isn't weird but I've decided I like how you interact with this show (not something I can say for a lot of fans) and now I wanna hear what you have to say about Eric and Jenny's friendship. I have this image in my head of the two of them dying her hair pink in a VDW bathroom (Lily thinks they should've gone to a salon but that's no fun). feel free to talk for literally forever I'm actually obsessed with them ~ily

not weird at all! that's really sweet of you to say, actually. whenever i get qns like this, often the first place my mind goes to is fic, so if that's not something you were looking for, feel free to ignore the next 2 paragraphs, lmao. 

a lot of my jenny and eric feels are in these fics that i've written: "a remedy for bland sweet potatoes" (sort of like, a fix it but it doesn't fix anything - it's canon compliant and jenny & eric discuss some of the things jenny's done), as well as "the lights that stop me (turn to stone)" which is a post-canon blair/jenny fix-it in some ways, but is also a character study of jenny as a whole & there's a lot of j&e feels in there (jenny and eric are housemates! they look out for each other and defuse derena tension together LKHFKLDHG).

other fics that highlight some great jenny and eric feels (both of these are kinda sad KLHDFKLH) are "withdrawal symptoms" by lunasol28 and and "fell from grace (it left me in this place)" by @vanderwoodlings .

now i’m actually gonna answer your question........ putting it under a read more, ‘cause it got long!

anyway, to answer your question as much as possible - i have a lot of feelings and i'm not sure how best i can do them justice - i have so much to say about jenny & eric. @mysteriesofloves said this thing once about how jenny and eric's friendship sort of parallels blairena friendship, in the sense of like - you love this person so much and no matter how much you hurt each other, you find your way back together, and i think that's extremely true of them both. in a lot of ways, i feel like jenny and eric are each other's most important person - best friend, support system, family, all of that. unlike dan and serena, when jenny & eric find out about rufus and lily they're actually excited to be step siblings which i find incredibly cute.

there's also - i love the fact that during their first meeting eric tells jenny pretty much everything about how he's in the ostroff centre and why he's there, and jenny doesn't judge him or treat him any differently - instead, she shows up at his room later with board games, just to spend time with him. we see things like this at various points, i feel, where jenny & eric's lives are sort of unstable or at a low point in some way and they're both able to just be there for each other without having to do any sort of grand gesture.

there's also definitely, uh... while i see the blairena friendship parallels, i'd make my own danessa friendship parallels. much like dan and vanessa, jenny and eric are incredibly lonely, and also, deeply different. they're not like their peers at st judes/constance! they struggle to make friends, and they have to navigate that. in a lot of ways, the only real friend either of them has is each other, despite the fact that there are instances when they've let each other down or hurt each other.

@nocakesformissedith made a post that i don't have the spoons to find right now - one of her jenny masterposts - that's basically an image of eric and jenny and it's like, "don't ask gay people how we know each other- we know each other from being gay". and i feel like eric and jenny absolutely and totally had that specific intimacy of like. being queer and knowing you're queer and having sat with it for a long fucking time, in high school, when nobody else around you really gets it. to me, my lesbian jenny headcanon explains a lot of the jenny & eric closeness - it's like, when you're young and gay, your One Gay Friend feels like the ONLY person who understands you.... sort of because they are! navigating any form of queerness in high school is terrible, and i'm just glad that they had each other when they did have each other.

it’s so notable to me that like - even though j&e spent so much of s3 at odds/fighting, when jenny’s gone in s4, eric goes through a major downward spiral, with the whole damien thing and everything else. jenny was his anchor! she was the one person who made him feel a little less fucked up about everything, and a little less lonely. and as for jenny with eric - i feel like jenny’s really comfortable and open around eric, and unlike with other people, for the most part, doesn’t try to be someone else around him. part of why eric feels so alienated by jenny’s behaviour in s3 - other than the fact that she was mean to him and jonathan - i feel is just that the way she was behaving with him was fake, and whoever else jenny was fake around, she’d never been like that with eric before. this is more like my interpretation, though, it’s not necessarily stated by canon or anything.

anyway this got depressing!! i do have fun jenny and eric feelings, i promise. i bet they listen to music together and when they’re studying together, they draw in each other’s textbooks. they probably wasted time doing online quizzes together, and there’s definitely a trash tv show that is Their Garbage Show (probably much to dan and serena’s bemused annoyance in the sense of like ‘do you HAVE to quote that again?’). jenny and eric dyeing jenny’s hair together sounds like something they’d do!! (incidentally, in a script of the pilot that didn’t make it, eric had BLUE HAIR. it could’ve been canon and i am so sad that it was not!!! we came so close to getting it. blue haired little eric lives in my head rent free.) 

i think jenny and eric’s friendship is so special because it is SO normal, and literally nothing else in their lives is normal (im pretty sure i said this in some way/ form earlier) - in the sense of like. family issues. kids at school being mean. their own mental health being challenging. their lives are so complicated and heavy, both of them often end up needing to be more mature / adult than they actually are (lily comments during e’s 18th that eric has always been so “serious”, and i always think of how JENNY went to hudson and brought alison back because rufus & alison couldn’t resolve their marriage without their 14 year old daughter’s intervention, apparently). so yeah i do think they’d do all those bestie things - like, sleepovers, friendship bracelets, buying  matching clothes together, sending each other pictures of things like “should i buy this” - wrong generation, but if they were gen z kids they’d definitely have the biggest snapchat streak ongoing, and not in a performative way - they would genuinely talk to each other THAT much. 

also, for your consideration: imagine jenny and eric baking together!!! i think they’d be really serious about it, and they’d also have so much fun.

[hen-of-letters]

To me, the Supernatural finale felt like a slap in the face. And then a suckerpunch to the stomach and a knee in the crotch. Afterwards some more punches, a bit more kicking, and a spit in the eye. So, here's my rambling account of just why I think it was so hurtful, and why I don't think I'll ever stop being sad and angry about how the show ended.

Stories matter. Everything that happens in Supernatural is the result of a decision. Each of these decisions carries a weight and a significance that resonates well beyond the screen.

Castiel's love confession in 15x18 is a beautiful, powerful thing. The love between Cas and Dean has been shown in the text for twelve seasons, but it had never been named in the text until that moment. Castiel's words brought their love out into the open.

However, his immediate and permanent removal from the rest of the narrative (aside from the briefest of mentions) is also powerful. He is erased from the text. After speaking, he is silenced.

Dean is silenced, too. He's never allowed to respond. With him never voicing his feelings for Castiel, their relationship is slammed right back where it came from: into the narrative closet.

Dean's love for Castiel is left as it always was: shown but not spoken. Open to interpretation. This is presented as a positive thing: there's a blank space left in the text where you can imagine them reuniting in heaven.

However, telling the audience that a love story between two men can't be openly declared and that their reunion can't be shown on screen is massively harmful. It perpetuates the idea that queer stories can only be told in the margins, in between the lines, in the silences of the text.

Claire is never shown on screen again after we hear that she loved Kaia. Kaia is rescued from the Bad Place, but their reunion is kept off-screen. Queer love is present, and at least in this case openly defined, but kept in the sidelines, unseen.

It's a phrase with a complex history, but it's telling that 'the love that dare not speak its name' came to be used as a euphemism for homosexual love. Queer love had to be kept silent out of safety. Even now, for many of us, being openly queer can endanger our lives.

Supernatural had a massive opportunity to say: queerness is not to be marginalised or silenced. Here is a love story that is central and spoken and celebrated. I think it's probably the enormous gap between the finale that we had, and the finale that we could have been given (which was the finale that the entire season had seemingly been building towards), that makes Supernatural's ending so heartbreakingly hurtful.

There's a reason, I think, why it feels so viscerally jarring for Cas' confession to never receive a reply or even acknowledgement. Disregarding every other episode of Supernatural up until that scene in 15x18, and with absolutely no knowledge of the characters, what we have is one person saying to another: "I love you". From this point on, every fibre of our being is aching for the answering "I love you, too". That's just how human beings are wired. That's just how narratives function. We hear a question and we need the closure of the answer.

When someone proposes publicly, even though these people are strangers to us, we are all waiting anxiously to hear the "yes". Imagine that you're watching a TV chat show, and then the host announces that someone in the audience has a very special question. Cut to the audience, where someone kneels and says to their partner: "will you marry me?" The camera moves to the partner's face ... and then cuts back to the action on stage. The proposal is never mentioned by the host ever again. You never find out if they said yes. Don't you feel cheated? Don't you feel, maybe, at least annoyed?

Now imagine you have two friends that you've known for years. You've grown up alongside them and you love them dearly. You think they're perfect for each other and you're sure they're in love with each other. One day, you see on Facebook that one of them has finally proposed to the other! You're overjoyed! But this is the last you ever hear from either of them. You never know the answer. You might feel just a little bit frustrated with the ghosting little fuckers. Yes, you can imagine that they're ridiculously in love and they've moved to Maui, but you never know. They might be dead in a ditch. They might be utterly miserable. You just never, ever know.

I swear, I'm normally all about the ambiguity, the open ending, the delicious possibilities of uncertainty. But here the question was too clear, the answer too obvious, the significance too weighty. The entire issue of Supernatural's problematic queer representation came down to this: could we see Dean say "I love you, too"? Could we see them live as well as speak their truth? Sadly, the answer was "no".

There could have been something powerful in the death of the author in Supernatural, in the exhortation to write your own ending, in the acknowledgement that meaning is created in active, creative collaboration between the text and the reader. But this wasn't handing over power. This was passing the buck. Representation is a responsibility.

In the end, Supernatural utterly dismissed the possibility of giving either the characters or the audience the power to write the story. We could have been gifted an open ending: Chuck defeated, Dean, Cas, Sam, Eileen and Jack alive and reunited, and the audience given free will to imagine their future. Instead, it gave us the most closed-down ending possible: all three main characters dead, other characters forgotten, and with nothing more to tell.

Going back to considering characters as friends made me think again about why the finale hurt so much. Yes, the erasure of Eileen from the narrative angered me because the decision was misogynistic and ablist. But also, I absolutely adored Eileen, and wanted her to be happy. She, like every single character in the show deserved better.

However, we don't only see characters as our friends.

We see pieces of ourselves in the characters we love. When we get to see those pieces acknowledged, and treasured, and loved, we feel validation. When we see those pieces disregarded, or silenced, or torn to shreds, we feel hurt.

Consider what someone might see of themselves in Dean Winchester: a queer individual, a war veteran, a survivor of physical, mental or sexual abuse, someone who has felt worthless or suicidal, a caregiver who has sacrificed their own needs for the sake of another.

What killing Dean says to these people is: there is no place for you in the world. The only 'peace' for you is death.

The same message can be read in Castiel's death. It's Castiel in whom I saw a piece of myself. I'm nearly 40, and when I started watching Supernatural in 2005, I didn't yet realise that I was maybe non-binary and definitely bisexual. The world looked at my body and assumed I was a woman. The world assumed I was straight. I was being told a story about myself. It wasn't until later that I realised that there were other stories, that there were other words that I could use about myself. Castiel's story was one that I could identify with (if I'm honest, mostly because of our shared social awkwardness), so his death said to me: if you speak your truth, you'll be shut down and forgotten. Happiness is not something you can have.

The deaths of Castiel and Dean find their bleakest mirror in that of the Kaia from the Bad Place. Not-Kaia wants to return to her own universe, even though she knows it is dying. She feels she doesn't belong in this world: "This place is cold. I don't understand it. I don't know how to move through it. So I just find empty spaces and I hide. This world doesn't want me, and I'm done with it." And, honestly, haven't most of us felt exactly like that at one time or another, for whatever reason? If we've felt different or excluded, if we've experienced physical or mental ill health, if we've felt like an outsider? Although Sam and Dean do try to get her to come back with them, she accepts death - just like Castiel and Dean. Visually, the moment closely resembles Castiel's demise: she's enveloped by blackness, her serene face the last thing to be covered.

Alternate Kaia is the embodiment of otherness. Her hopeless, voluntary annihilation is incredibly troubling. I wonder though if perhaps this moment is the text criticising itself: Alternate Kaia chooses death because the world is hostile towards her. If we marginalise others, if we tell people that who they are means that they have no place in the world, if we tell people that they can only exist in silence and in the shadows, then these people will feel despair. Depression and suicide are a real concequence of exclusion and marginalisation.

In contrast, we're shown Kaia being accepted by Jody. Castiel has already acknowledged that Jody is Claire's found family, and we know that Claire loves Kaia. Here is a hopeful mirror: Kaia, who has been set up previously as an analogue to Castiel, finds acceptance, and love, and a found family.

Dean and Castiel could have been given Claire and Kaia's ending, but instead they die like Alternate Kaia. The world doesn't want them.

I think that the erasure of difference is why the finale feels so flat to me. So empty, so hollow, so silent. The brothers' diverse found family is killed off or forgotten (like Kevin Tran, presumably left to wander the earth forever as a ghost); women are erased; people of colour are erased; queerness is erased. Sam and Dean are reduced to being cardboard cutout versions of themselves, devoid of complexity, with nothing to say.

For 15 years, Supernatural has said: choose free will.  You can make your own destiny.  You can write your own story.  Love can defy the will of God himself.  You can be loved and supported by a family that you choose, even if you are rejected by your blood.  In the final episode, every single one of these ideas was systematically trashed. It hurt.

What gives me hope, though, is how the fandom responded to this hurt: with creativity and kindness. Immediately, fundraisers such as The Castiel Project and Dean Winchester is Love were set up & have raised a massive amount of money. I don't think I'll ever stop being awed by this.

[curious-minx]

Denis Leary is making an animated vignette series based on Dogs Playing Poker and 10 Other Pieces of Kitsch Art That Should Be Turned Into TV

KITSCH auction house tremors and stampedes.

Dennis Leary basically discovered sex, drugs and rock n’ roll with his 2015 two season FX series Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll. Leary’s always been one of those guys that can’t be beaten down  in spite of how dopey and cynical his edgy working class personal brand is. He’s got an entire deal set up with Fox, the flailing broadcasting company has placed all of their chips on a Denis with only one lousy  “N” in his name. I can’t even with this fake Irish Bostonian droid. Relish in the delicate thought process of Leary and leftover former Daily Show producer, Jim Margolis,  bringing up a Pinterest screen grab of the Dogs Playing Poker by Grand Master of Kitsch Cassius Marcellus Coolidge and money signs popping out of both of their heads. Here is a dramatic retelling of this thought process:

“Yo, get this Big D,” salivates the recently fired from Netflix Jim Margolis to Leary over a Zoom, “Fox got this Bento Box Animation Studio sitting around doing nothing but churning out animated interstitials for the Masked Singer, Paradise PD, The Prince, The Blues Brothers animated series, animated Harold And Kumar, Housebroken, The Great North, and ugh..um..Hoops..”

“I fuckin love Hoops, Jimmy! Why aren’t we pitching this on Netflix again?”

“Because Dogs Playing Poker is going to work so much better as pregame filler for live Sporting Events...on Fox.”

“Oh yeah. All of those rotten good for nothing grease monkey and lunch pail people will probably be giving each other Budweiser flavored Covid at the local saloon with these damn dog pictures hanging up. It’s like when old drunks would stay out late and watch the Flinstones at the bar, did you know that actual human male adults would sit in a town like Boston and waste away in a bar watching Flintsones. Can you believe that Johny?”

“My name is Jimmy, err Jim, but yeah Denis we’ll send you the scripts over. Any idea who we should cast?”

“Get me the hot blonde from Inspector Gadget 2, God dammit I miss Louie..are we sure we can’t get Louie back on air?”

“Afraid after Patton Oswalt dognapped his role from him in Secret Life of Pets, Louie CK has been banned from ever appearing as a talking dog again.”

“So bogus. Bobby Kelly will have to do.” Denis gets a text. “Dammit, Adam is getting all thirsty for this juicy  delicious bone. Gotta throw a  big bone to my dog Ferrera. Who else?”

“Ok. I’ll get one of those sad Daily Show losers. Um picking one at random, Roy Wood Jr. They’ll pretty much jump into anything, because John Oliver was in Love Guru they start thinking they can fail their way up.”

“I said no politics at the table! Paws off the table! This is going to be so fucking lit!”

////

Kitsch Art deserves so much more. George Lucas, retired American filmmaker, robber baron of childhoods and all around  mensch has been heavily invested in the kitsch art of Norman Rockwell. There are a bounty of stories to tell. Too many of them are far too white and basic, but there are rich narratives to be found in his out of date even for his own time romanticism of The Old Masters. Hopelessly out of date could have been a failing of Rockwell, but his politics grew progressive as his career went on and fought against the system. Cassius Marcellus Coolidge is the man that operated the first bank in Antwerp, New York  had the astronaut-like grace to wonder, “what if dogs played poker like people played poker?” A painting that dates back to 1894 used as means to sell cigars. What strikes me most about this painting is that they aren’t wearing clothes, but I bet when you try to imagine the painting you imagine these dogs fully decked out in some sort of work coat. There is a further anthropromized version of the ad called “His Station and Four Aces” that depicts a glimpse at a look at an entire canine furry society. His ideas of putting an animal in clothes remains to this day one of the most novel and surefire commercially friendly means of artistic expression. The original cynical man laughing all the way to the bank, his own bank that he founded to boot.

Seen above: An example of a Comic Foreground that also demonstrates the failings of having too few people in your party to properly partake in the comic foreground experience. 

“Cash” Cassius wasn’t the first man to imagine a domestic pet in people clothes, but he’s probably one of the few to do so with such commercial finesse. The man also at one point filed the patent on the “Comic Foregrounds,” which is the technical name of one of those carnival boards with holes to stick your head in. In post Covid times how many more heads will be salivating and rushing towards those holes to pop their heads in to create a lasting memory, if only for a second. So when I start learning more about this remarkable weirdo Cassius Coolidge, a man according to his official website dogsplayingpoker.com’s Biography: “Trying to chase mischievous boys from an abandoned house, he fell from a window and hurt his knee, leaving him injured for the rest of his life.”

Flash forward back to 2021 and Denis Leary and his career a man with a wikipedia with fun entries about all the accusations of plagiarism and hate speech against autism I start to worry about the legacy of more Kitsch art falling into the hands of other greedy and desperate TV executives. That being said if you are a greedy TV executive who happens to be a maniac that likes reading rando’s tumblr pages do I have a list for you!

TOP TEN PIECES OF KITSCH ART THAT SHOULD BE TURNED INTO SOME KIND OF SOMETHING

“We Are Having a Heavenly Time” Columbian Bike Monkey and Parakeet by, once again, Cassius Coolidge

Coolidge’s anthropomorphic foresight strikes again! This time he effortlessly establishes a captivating duo that could be easily voiced by an endless combination of celebrity voice actors. PAUL RUDD as “Monkey” and ISSA RAE as “Parakeet” present “We Are Having a Heavenly Time” present a travel show. You could basically use whatever leftover footage you have lying around from the many Conan O’Brien segments and plug Monkey and Parakeet and their trusty bicycle anywhere for an irreverent glimpse into the foreign World around us.

2. “Clown and The Girl” by Haddon Sundblom  

Now I know what you’re thinking, that title is miserable! I agree, but with a little  reverse engineering you get The Girl and Clown, which could be a whole new addition to the Girl on a Train, Girl with a Dragon Tattoo, Girl with a Dangly Earpiece, the Girl-Verse! The girl appears to be quite fearless of this clown, which is good because we need someone to be brave for when the clown takes off his mask.

Sundblom is also the original artist for the Coke a cola Santa Claus and how is it that we have gone this many rotations around the sun without a single Coke a cola Santa Claus special is the real reason why Christmas will always be the saddest time of year.

3. “Clean Your Fornasetti” based around the artistic Plate collection of Pierro Fornasetti 

Muk bangs, videos of people eating are a huge cyber traffic boom. People love watching people eat. Why not add the element of surprise by what kind of playful Fornasetti chanteuse is hiding underneath this plate full of gruel? Fornasetti is an artist with over 11,000 items created in his name and over 500 of them are based around a variety of expressions of a single woman. Clean Your Fornasetti is a deep and poetic rumination of the romance between the act of someone cleaning their plate and the reveal that the plate contained a visual feast all its own.

4. “Mickey’s Kinkade Playhouse” by the one and only Thomas Kinkade

The Kinkade Studios features over 63 “narrative panoramas” featuring Disney characters, but largely Mickey and Minnie, simply vibing. It’s time we stop pretending that small children like Mickey Mouse and market him for wistful older audiences that want to radiate in a nice long warm bath of color and sound. I am not sure I am even pitching an actual series but more of a Narrative Panoply. One thing that is missing from Disney Plus, and streaming services in general, is a severe lack of programming frills and flourishing. The iconic Adult Swim bumps are something completely lost to the dustbins of programming history left to remain in youtube compilations. Thomas Kinkade is a lot like Enya. Art critics treated him like a comedic punching bag for so long, but I doubt there’s an artist that grasps the kind of sterile enchantment people want after a long day of opioid benders. We’re all trapped inside doing puzzles why not do the bare minimum of slightly animating a pleasant scene of Mickey and Minnie roasting marshmallows or enjoying a breath of fresh Alpine air?

5. “Dust Lickers” by Odd Nerdrum

Quick! Get me Trash Humpers’ Harmony Korine on the Line Show him Shit Rock! The world of Odd Nerdrum is a harsh and primeval one that would make for an astonishing animated landscape. Odd Nerdrum himself feels like a worthy subject of some kind of documentary based around his imagery and insistence on making his art in the most arcane and old fashioned methods possible. Once again, maybe the visual world of Odd Nerdrum may not make for a full on narrative series, but once again would make for one hell of an animated segment.

6. “Homemade Pasta” by John Currin 

A cozy Queer slice of life cooking drama based around the two charming fellows of John Currin’s Homemade Pasta scene. A series of vignettes based around the completely unfabulous and domestic version of bliss that was denied many people as a result of the AIDS crisis. You can’t tell me you don’t see those two nice guys getting cozy and making pasta together and you aren’t dying to see how they go about rolling out their own focaccia bread.

7. “The Velvet Elvis” by the Collective Conscious 

David Lynch at one point in time was trying to crack into making his own Elvis biopic. I think it’s pretty safe to say that the age of a public wanting a David Lynch directed Elvis biopic has probably passed, but that does not stop Velvet art enthusiasts. TheVelvetStore.com is featuring a remarkable promo that could really bump up what a David Lynch Elvis movie could be like and the horror of having one’s soul trapped inside of a Velvet Elvis rendition painting seems like a pretty fertile place to begin a proper story about Elvis in America. 

8. “Big Eye Bunch” by Margaret Keane 

Yes, it was only a matter of time before Ms. Big Eyes herself, Queen of Kitsch, Margaret Keane would come up on a list like this. Tim Burton tried and sort of kind of captured what it so endearing about Keane’s work, but I think a fully animated dive into an orphanage full of sad Big Eye kids that time travel and meet other Big Eyed children version of historical figures is a Big Idea that could make a whole new generation keen on Keane.

9. “Banality” by Jeff Koons

An animated series based around the artistic sensibilities of Jeff Koons would be a tricky affair, but just the kind of gaudy whimsy that someone like Michel Gondrey could use to proper effect. A series based around someone trying to steal the fifteen million dollar Michael Jackson statue would also be appropriate.

10. “Groovenians reboot” by Kenny Scharf

Scharf is the only artist on this list that actually was a kitsch artist that caught the attention of early aughts adult swim. A tv show that only features the artistic sensibilities of Scharf but also a voice acting cast that consisted of Paul Reubens, Rupaul, Vincent Gallo, and Dennis Hopper. There’s also a theme song performed by the B-52s and musical direction by Devo’s Mark Mothersbaugh. One of the only known published reviews of the pilot describe the show as needing mind altering substances to enjoy and that it is essentially like “watching a cartoon reflected off of a funhouse mirror. This is basically a description of the modern tik tok addled twitchy type content that makes a killing on the Internet for millenial and zoomer types. Basically the whole aesthetic of a warped and broken looking cartoon is the exact sort of thing weirdos deep diving at youtube at four in the morning are looking for and seeing that this gets a failed pilot and Denis Leary’s Dog Poker vignettes get greenlit is exactly what’s wrong with the world.

[hereidinathoreauwrites]

Chapters: 3/5 Fandom: Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Zoey Clarke/Joan Characters: Zoey Clarke, Joan (Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist) Additional Tags: it's the headcannon fic!, your #2 choice, two people start having sex for fun and oops they're in love, Women Loving Women, Developing Relationship, Boss/Employee Relationship, Bisexual Female Character, joan's pov, so I wouldn't have to deal with songs, Lesbian Sex, Fluff and Smut, Vaginal Fingering, Cunnilingus, Cuddling & Snuggling, Post-Coital Cuddling, From Sex to Love, Sex Toys, Bad Dirty Talk, zoey has a lot of emotions, but she doesn't want to talk about them, Joan is concerned but doesn't know how to ask

“Oh…I got you good that time…” Joan groaned, as she rolled away from Zoey, licking her lips. Her hand lingered on soft skin, playing with fiery hair. She couldn’t help it; she missed the sensation of skin under her fingers. And Zoey never pulled away.

Zoey was still gasping for breath, a fine sheen of sweat on her face. “Y…yeah..”

They were now several days into this little agreement of theirs. Joan had been to Zoey's place once that week and Zoey had been to her’s twice. While the offer to stay the night had always remained open, Joan had yet to take Zoey up on it. Zoey had stayed for a long cuddle at Joan’s each time but always left after an hour or so.

Joan loved it. This was everything she could have hoped for: a satisfying partner who wasn’t clingy but still attentive to her needs. And one who was discrete and actually able to think beyond the sex.

She gazed down at the younger woman, her hair matted and slick with sweat, sheets tangled around her limbs, face and chest a brilliant flush and felt something give a satisfying twist in her lower half.

While this had initially been only for her needs, Joan was finding more and more that bringing Zoey to climax was just as satisfying as achieving one herself. Sometimes Zoey was nearly silent upon her release, Joan needing to check that she was done. Other times, her orgasms were violent and emotional. It was always a toss up. And something about seeing the timid younger woman so trashed and loose just intrigued Joan to no end.

Zoey still hadn’t said anything, her breathing slowing and her eyes coming back into focus slowly. She stared up at Joan, completely at her mercy. 

“Cat got your tongue?” Joan teased, fingers trailing a wet line from Zoey’s chest up to her neck. Zoey shuddered.

A soft grumble came from Zoey’s stomach, halting Joan’s touch. She frowned at the naked coder. “Did you eat before you came over?”

Zoey blushed, looking mortified. “No…not…exactly…”

“Why not?”

“I…didn’t have time…?”

Joan sighed. Rolling away, she reached for her phone and typed a few things out. “I just ordered a pizza,” she informed Zoey, tossing her phone aside. “Extra large, meat-lover’s; couldn’t possibly eat it all myself…”

Zoey sat up, face still flushed. “You didn’t have to…”

Joan pulled on her robe. “Zoey, come on. You need to eat…there’s plenty for you.” She dug through her closet and found a spare robe, tossing it in Zoey’s direction.

The coder seemed stunned by the gesture. “Th…thank you Joan.”

By the time the food arrived, they’d both had time to freshen up and Joan had ushered Zoey into her living room, pointing her towards the couch. 

Zoey perched on it, now wearing clothes Joan had lent her as the dress she had arrived in was…in need of a wash. 

The pizza sat between them on the table, the two of them silent as they sat together to eat. Zoey seemed almost afraid to look at her. She was doing that thing that Joan had started to notice more and more: a kind of deep, contemplative sadness that seemed impenetrable. While it was most common after Zoey’s quick orgasms, she’d started to notice the face around the office occasionally as well.

Joan had to frown at the unexpected tension in their current situation. Now that she really thought about it, it seemed odd to just…sit on the couch together after Joan’s face had just been in Zoey’s crotch. That wasn’t a thing hookups did…right? Couches were for when getting to a bed was too difficult.

“You up for a movie?” Joan finally asked. That was a harmless enough way to pass the time and fill the silence.

Zoey perked up at that, a bit of fire returning to her eyes. “What did you have in mind?”

Pleased with herself, Joan tossed her the remote. “Anything, you pick.”

Zoey settled on the first original Star Trek movie of all things, forcing Joan to listen to the younger woman’s tirades on science realism within the Enterprise and the not-so-subtle queer-coding of Kirk and Spock. But more than once, Joan caught herself laughing fondly at Zoey’s passion.

They passed the rest of the day uneventfully: enjoying another movie (Joan picked this one: The Breakfast Club, mainly to get Zoey to shut up about light-speed travel), cooking a nice dinner of vegetable stir-fry, and playing with Joan’s dogs. To her surprise, all of her dogs, even Hermes, took an instant liking to Zoey. Normally, they didn’t do well around strangers.

But something about Zoey’s smile and warmth had them all instantly flocking to her like she had a pocket of dog treats. Zoey gave each of them her attention, occasionally catching Joan’s eye with an almost sheepish grin. Joan could only roll her eyes. 

As the afternoon danced into night, Joan loaded her dishwasher, finding with some surprise that she was humming slightly under her breath. It was unusual to feel so comfortable with another person in her house, especially with a coworker. But something about Zoey had her eagerly sharing her time without anxiety about when she'd leave. 

She glanced over her shoulder, catching sight of the younger woman teasing Cartier with a chew toy. Even bundled up in Joan’s borrowed clothes as she was, the younger woman looked completely at home in her kitchen, so uncharacteristically relaxed. Joan watched her intently for a moment, wondering just when it had become comfortable to be around each other. Zoey was an enigma, with her warmth and her cheery sadness and her frequent stares off into nothing. She was so simple and also so unknowable. And Joan was intrigued. She had to know.

As she bent down to close the machine, hands found her hips. 

Her breath caught. “Yes?” Of course, the comfort was also helped by the fact that they’d seen each other naked multiple times.

Zoey’s hands roamed down to her butt. “You look so sexy when you bend over.” She growled in Joan’s ear. Her smaller form pressed close to Joan.

Joan trembled. Zoey so rarely initiated; always seeming content to instead follow Joan’s lead. But when the younger woman grew bold, Joan always found herself instantly melting. “Would you object to the table?” She asked, wondering if Zoey knew the effect she was having on her. If she didn’t, she must be blind. If she did…she was dangerous.

“You’re going to be the one on it…” Zoey pointed out, hands already fumbling with Joan’s pants. “Can your…back take it?”

Joan swallowed, heart thudding in her ears. She liked the danger. “Bed. Now.” As sexy as being fucked on the kitchen table sounded, she knew her back wouldn’t forgive her for it for a while.

She nudged Zoey ahead of her, pants already sliding from her hips. Zoey pushed her down, knowing by now that Joan preferred to be a bottom. In seconds, Joan was naked again, sliding her hands up under Zoey’s borrowed shirt to encourage her to strip as well. 

This time, the sex was quick and dirty, involving a lot of biting and several cheeky little slaps. Perhaps to counter-balance all the comfort of the rest of the day. 

Joan couldn’t say she disliked it. 

After they’d both reached a satisfying release, she left Zoey briefly to grab glasses of water for them both. 

But as she returned, Joan paused, her heart catching unexpectedly. 

Zoey was still in her bed, still gloriously naked and very much asleep. Her face was relaxed and loose, except for a tiny wrinkle in her forehead. 

They hadn’t exchanged the customary offer to stay the night. The words had been on her mind all day but the casualness of their afternoon had prevented her from saying them. And now…

Joan bit her lip, considering the woman asleep in her bed. Zoey was obviously very tired if she’d fallen asleep so quickly. If Joan kicked her out now, it would be an ordeal for the coder to get herself home and she’d probably just fall asleep in the Uber with a stranger. She stared as Zoey’s back slowly rose and fell with deep, satisfied breaths. A single curl of red hair fell across her cheek, moving in time with her exhales. She looked at peace.

Aww hell, Joan figured. Why not?

So she turned off the lights and climbed back into bed.

***

It soon became a habit.

Joan couldn’t help it: she always worked up an appetite after sex and it felt rude to kick Zoey out while she ate. Plus, Zoey apparently never ate before coming over if her frequent stomach complaints were anything to go by.

A month after their first hook-up, a particularly loud rumble interrupted them while Joan’s face was in between Zoey’s legs. 

“Again?” She flicked Zoey’s thigh in annoyance. “What, do you keep a tiger in there?”

Zoey had tried to defend herself but rapidly descended back into moaning as Joan finished her off with a vengeance. 

Zoey was still recovering when Joan finished placing their order (Kung Pao chicken this time). She always tried to protest or to pay Joan back but she’d never succeeded. Mostly because Joan was very persuasive. But occasionally it was because Joan knew just what spot on her neck made Zoey absolutely melt and that usually distracted her long enough for the food to arrive.

She tossed Zoey a robe (a robe that was quickly becoming Zoey’s Robe) and let the coder have the first shower while she waited on the food.

They usually did this at Joan’s place but she had also spent a few nights at Zoey’s cozy little slum; needing to cuddle close on Zoey’s smaller bed and dodge each other in between the bathroom and the bedroom. Several active afternoons had been spent on Zoey’s surprisingly comfortable couch. While she wasn’t a fan of Zoey’s place overall, Joan did have to love that couch.

As the delivery guy left, Zoey emerged, hair damp and heavy on her shoulders. Dropping the robe, she changed into the sweats and NASA shirt that had somehow taken up residence at Joan’s place.

Joan watched as the younger woman toweled her hair dry. She was used to a certain amount of softness from the younger woman and she’d seen Zoey post-shower before. But something about this time…it just felt…different.

Zoey caught Joan’s gaze in the mirror and smiled at her. “What is it?”

Joan shook her head. “Netflix?” She asked, handing Zoey the larger portion of chicken. 

Zoey nodded. “My trash or yours?”

Joan rolled her eyes, leading the way into her living room. “I just bought you lunch; we’re doing my trash.” She resumed the last episode of Queer Eye. Tomford, Hermes, and Cartier scampered in to join them, prompting Zoey to put her food down so she could properly greet them.

Again, Joan watched, something seeming different. 

They fell into comfortable silence, eating and occasionally commenting on the episode or throwing a toy for one of the dogs. 

Joan shifted several times, each time finding she had unconsciously drifted closer to Zoey on the couch. She wasn’t uncomfortable. But as the afternoon went on, Joan couldn’t help dwelling on the sense of difference that clung to Zoey’s presence. 

They’d done all this multiple times before (Zoey had somehow convinced Joan to watch two seasons of Riverdale, mainly because her hands tended to wander) but as they sat in comfortable silence, Joan realized what made it different this time.

The television and conversation weren’t distractions. Neither of them were just using the background noise as an excuse to make a move or rest up between moves. And Joan found she didn’t want to. Right now, she was perfectly content just staying here with Zoey, bingeing on trashy tv and Chinese food and spending time with her dogs.

It was comfortable in a way she hadn’t felt since before she’d been married. For years, it had just been her and the dogs, waiting for Charlie to come home, if he came home at all. And more recently, it had been just her. But having Zoey around was like turning on a light she’d never realized she had. A light she wanted to keep around.

Joan sighed, the action pulling her lips up in a smile as her eyes slid to Zoey's curled up form. Sometime between sharing a post-sex pizza and rolling her eyes at Jughead’s narration, Zoey Clarke had become someone she enjoyed being around. Could sex lead to friendship? It seems they had proven that it could.

They finished three episodes before Zoey stifled a yawn. She made to stand. 

“Do you…want to just…spend the night?” Joan asked, the words tripping from her mouth before Zoey could say her customary polite farewell.

Zoey glanced back at her. 

Ordinarily, such words from either of them implied more bedroom activity. But Joan didn’t make a move this time. Didn’t bend down to nibble at the coder’s neck, or slid a hand down her back. And neither did Zoey. 

The coder nodded, the little happy smile Joan craved to see gracing her face. That smile belonged on Zoey's face.

Fully clothed, they curled up in Joan’s bed together, Zoey’s head on Joan’s chest.

Joan stroked red hair and drifted off to sleep. 

[evanstanbot]

I think I understand somewhat why they did this now. It all concludes in the ultimate no homo of Hollywood. Also, because folks at marvel are cowards. I’m not defending m&m and the russos but this whole thing put them into a tight situation. they planned everything together in tws and cw but this conclusion of Steve’s arc was only planned out after civil war. they always said they looked into everything back and forth so that there wouldn’t be anything left out. but now it’s a clusterfuck of events. not only that, they destroyed Steve’s character arc, the character the russos admittedly consider as a character whom they have a soft spot for. that’s why the russos are so determined on saying steve went to another timeline to at least adjust his character a bit better. m&m’s take is the worst of course. look at this interview..

they came up with the ending after civil war. probably because of the protests for steve to canonically have a boyfriend. before you start with the stevebuckies ruined everything, it wasn’t just a shipping thing as far as I’m concerned. there are queer folks looking for presentation. it’s for perfect reasons. he could’ve been the first lgbt cap! Okay maybe I was dreaming. then, let’s talk about the friendship between steve and bucky. many people relate to that, adore it and even love the idea of them being together. the creators themselves said they love the bond between them and brotherhood as they like to call. m&m called them soulmates (platonic maybe). it’s unique and very rare to see delicate male friendship like them in media. everyone seemed to be on board. but what changed...?

I’m not saying there’s an evil Mickey Mouse ordering the creators to do this and that either. however, they were probably told to take care of it. y’know? the protest went on to tv even so.. it’s sad and absurd that we end up getting an extremely heteronormative ending. what I’m saying is they shouldn’t be so scared of fans calling steve rogers gay. they can make him as straight as possible without messing up his character arc. But in the end, the writers and directors went the easy way. They know people love nostalgia so they chose this path. Right,,

Another thing is m&m keeps talking about the dance. We all know the dance was coming as soon as it’s involved with time travel. to me, they didn’t even think deeply about anything beyond the dance. that’s why they’re still struggling to make a reasonable explanation concerning steve’s ending. they did everything in their own way to have end this way, even bending their own time travel logic. they neglected everything from before to construct a plausible (to them) ending in iw and endgame. there wasn’t enough steve in iw to begin with so he’s still in character (lol). endgame steve however is a problem itself. even without that ending, he’s becoming a different guy. the steve rogers we knew and love along the way is just gone. he’s being deprived of emotional scenes if not for a women. they totally ignored many relationships he has along his journey. okay so he was in trauma. but it’s not a fucking excuse to turn his character 360 degrees.

people still argue with “he’s happy now”, “he only left for a few seconds”. umm let me explain. he’s a fictional character, his feelings don’t count. these heroes are constructed so that we can follow their path and morals. their morals always come first. him retiring in the 21st is considering for himself. him going back in time however, is him giving up and is very pathetic that our hero couldn’t move on from something that happened twelve years ago. also, he didn’t just leave for five seconds. he left for 80 years not knowing he’d even be alive by the time he goes to meet them at that place, not knowing he might not even see his friends ever again. he didn’t even say goodbye. he chose not to spend his life with people who’d follow him everywhere. he left to live without so many important people in his life so that he could enjoy a married life? no, that’s not steve rogers at all.

here’s another topic. the past can’t be changed. so, steve has little reasons to go back. he didn’t have a family there. his family is here. bucky, however, had so many reasons to go back. he could’ve gone to meet his ma, his sisters but he didn’t. “bucky knows!” the creators included that bit to make sure that we wouldn’t argue. but they’re pretty dumb if they thought that way. Anyway, you’re telling me bucky barnes, who has barely lived in this century apart from the brainwashed years, who lived in solitary trying to remember who he was, belongs in the 21st century while steve rogers who has been here for twelve whole years, who’s made connections with people throughout the years, who’s already made enough progress moving on, belongs in the 40s??? bullshit! do the math. for bucky, it’s only been around four years after he fell off that train. for steve, it’s been twelve years plus his meaningful relationships with people in this century. if anything, bucky deserves to go back, not steve.

the creators really trashed their own work for the grand scheme called heteronormativity and money. even in this age, I’m sad to see that little progress we made along the way has gone back to square one. we should and must push back these boundaries, again and again if we have to. large corporations with their het propaganda and entitlements.. although I didn’t know why I’m surprised at this point lol even a movie like deadpool got straight lives matter treatment in the end.

In conclusion, i cannot and will never accept this ending for steve’s arc.

[akria23]

I think this needs to be said because I think there's a lack of understanding as to why I and a few others are coming at fandom about accountability in the situation of lgbqt representation and Queliot and the Magicians show. Def those of us who don't come in a gentle manner.

People are speaking to fandom because fandom holds an accountability l, they hold a power and they realease that power so easily to the detriment of the lgbqt and their representation. The fact is a lot of you pretend to care about the lgbqt community - a lot of you claim to be supporters and will speak over us in the wrong manners but none of y'all are showing up to the conversations lgbqt members of the fandom keep trying to include you in and it's because you honestly care more about a ship than the representation of real bodies and real lives.

Let's just put it on the table - to support is not an inaction. Just because you watch m/m couples. Doesn't mean you support the members of the community. Just because you raise your voice to meta about the Magicians and Queliot does not mean you support the community. All these things possible mean is that you either accept or worse you fetishize - and I'm not picking which box you subscribe to I'm just saying those are your options. To support is to listen, and find what part you can play in dismembering the status quo. You guys are not only disregarding our issues but then also upholding the status quo by creating excuse that allows you to be inactive in that destruction. We all agree that we do not like or appreciate the turn this season took because of x,y,z. You gues then only ran with the x portion (Queliot being up on the back burner) of that because it had to deal with your desires (wanting a ship) and ignored y & z (lgbqt relations not being depicted fairly & the lgbqt sexual identities not being used against the community).

And let me explicitly state this because I know some people are gonna try it - Queliot (or any other m/m/Queer ship) being end game does not mutually mean that lgbqt relations have been fairly depicted or that the sexual identities of that community wasn't used in damaging ways against said community (aka poor/bad representation). To be specific when y'all say things like "They can just form a 3some with Alice" or "This is a set up for a triangle" understand that even if one of those things were to happen it does possibly facilitate your wishes of Queliot ending up together but thays yet agin unfair to the implications to bisexuals (def when they've already implied things that set up that damage) - they've already set up this image that Q sexuality isn't on par and then to make it where his ending up with Eliot is only in the byproduct of Alice being tied to the relationship only furthers those damaging implications. As far as the triangle aspect - arguably they've been in a triangle and they've done more damage than good with the imagery. As I've said before anytime they give use the Queer sequence they no homo it with having Q fall back on the crutch of the female form - and this isnt speaking on bisexuality because they ignore all the buildup and Queer aspects that happened with Eliot as tho they didn't happen and revert back to subtext. So no, for us it's not about Queliot happening but about how they and any other queer relations take place because it speaks onto us. And if you're just shouting that you'll take Queliot no matter how you can get them that's not wanting good representation, like I said - that's wanting a ship.

So yeah some of us may come for your throats - as we should! It's 2019. As a person in the community I'm sick and tired of people in fandoms not being held accountable. Nobody has time to coddle y'all when time and time again we're still being treated like trash, when we still struggle to see ourselves portrayed on tv/film with as least possible damage. Straight up - if you're not helping, if you're siting around telling those who speak up to be silent, that it's not that deep, that the production team mean no harm - if you're making excuses and claiming that we have to be nice to get a ship y'all are cowards, y'all are ignorant, and you're a problem. If you're just out for a ship then be about that - don't sit around here pretending like you care about real people and the struggles that we face. And I'm not just gonna those heterosexual this - if you're apart of the community and you're doing these things, if being silent, no joining the dialogue or starting your own then you're the same them...if not worse. Just fucking do better - or don't pretend that you're doing at all.

Also I'm sure some of y'all want me to stop posting in ya tag - I will not. I advise you block me cause I got something important to say and I'll be damned if I'll sit around while another show goes 11 season without us having these conversations. No ones saying no to Queliot. We're saying we deserve Queliot and we deserve it in its best form and the antics the show has been pulling is not acceptable. This fandom has problems and there's no denying it. There was over 400 reblogs/likes for a post that appreciated the Magicians having Queer characters and denies claims of Queerbait and yet only a handful (the same people mind you) show up on post that points out the issues of Magicians and how they deal with these sexualities and the characters that portray them. That's very telling. You same people will make excuses about how 4x05 is a tester episode to gauge how Queliot would be accepted as though to say that everything afterwards is understandable and had to be done...fuck that! For one they don't do that with any heterosexual relationship they want to push - we get no testers for them l. In fact they've done Qualice and we keep saying we don't want and we still got Qualice over Queliot. The fact that you think it's justifies and explains their actions speaks on your views of the lgbqt community as well.

That's why we're talking to you. Because y'all are engaging in disgusting antics and we're not gonna give you a pass just like we're not willing to give the Magicians one.

[rainbowamory]

Not My Narrative (on extremist feminism)

This is the reason that when people start talking about feminism, I feel the urge to get up and leave the room. I don’t have a problem with feminism itself. What I DO have a problem with is when feminism pretends to be everything for everyone.

I want to try and put words to something that I have an intense amount of anger about and which I want to get out on a page as a means of unpacking.

If you’re LGBT and you’ve watched stuff on YouTube, you will have come across at least a handful of incredibly ignorant homophobic or transphobic comments. Sometimes these are violent in tone, but other times they are more subtle... condescending. It’s that later kind I want to talk about because sometimes that kind makes me more disgusted than the outright hate.  

This post is about a specific comment that I saw one day under a video made by a lesbian woman. The comment was a response to something I said under the video in defense of trans guys. I was trying to make a distinction between butch lesbians and trans guys, because it is obvious that some people still can’t tell the difference.

The woman’s comment did not in any way or form acknowledge what I was saying. In fact, it didn’t even acknowledge that I even had a voice. Basically, she was saying that transgender people were people with “internalized sexism” or “internalized homophobia” and that this was the reason they go for medical transition. She said that she works with women who have regretted transitioning and that there always seemed to be “internalized sexism” going on.

I responded to her back and fourth a couple of times. But after a certain point, I had to tear myself away from the conversation because it was so one-sided that I might as well have been talking to a stone wall. I don’t believe in one-way discussions, and I don’t believe that matters of personal Identity are up for debate. So I stopped responding. 

This incident stayed with me and even years later it occasionally plays back in my head. I wish I never saw her comment because it’s the kind of thing that makes a person hate humanity. It makes me wonder how many more people walk around the world thinking that transgenderism is “self-hate” or medical transition is “mutilation”. Nowhere in this “conversation” did she even recognize that I have my own perspective; it was calm, self-assured condescension from start to finish.

I stopped responding because I’m smart enough to know that the person who gets the last word is not always right. She got the last word, but I didn’t bother reading her last reply because I didn’t want to continue that loop of bullshit. The incident left me with an unpleasant memory that plays back like a trauma in my head at random times, simply because people don’t forget the feeling of being belittled easily.

Cis female experience is NOT my narrative. My dreams and fantasies have been consistently and even stereotypically “hetero male” since I was a kid. What I’m attracted to and what I identity with have always existed in two separate boxes in my head.

I read this line in a book once:

“Models of understanding are ways of seeing a thing--not the thing itself”

Extremist feminism doesn’t seem to get this.                                                      

Do those who de-transition exist? Yes. Are there people who have internalized sexism? Yes. Are there people who transition purely for privilege? Yes. That still doesn’t mean that all who say they are Trans are like this.  

My narrative was NEVER the cis female narrative.

How do I put this simply? When I was a kid, I wanted to grow a penis. When I was a teenager, I wanted to grow a penis. When I was in my early 20s, I wanted to grow a penis. Even now, in my late 20s, I still want a penis. And even on my deathbed someday, I will hope that in the afterlife I will finally be a guy.

That’s not confusion. That’s called consistency. It’s called knowing what I want.

That was the way it always was—long before I knew the words “queer” or “trans” or “cis” or “feminism”—long before I knew my sexual orientation even.  It was my #1 dream as a kid and always will be, regardless of whether I can ever make it come true or not. As I said before, the only thing that holds me back is the lack of a magical and painless way to make that dream come true.

Seeing that kind of transphobic garbage that is so wholly disconnected from my actual experience… I don’t even have the words for the disgust I felt. And it was even more traumatic because this was at a time when I was getting ready for top surgery.

This kind of extremist feminism damages the psyche of those who are not cis. It is a true abuse of power when one person feels they can silence another person in full confidence that society will back them up in their oppressive behaviour. It’s a sign not only of the power-hungry nature of some individuals, but also of the corruption in a society… the fact that society hasn’t developed enough to protect the rights of an Individual because they cause an inconvenient disturbance in the neatly constructed dominant narratives. It’s a sign that some people are being given undue power over others’ lives and bodies.

I definitely don’t have “internalized homophobia” because for a time I was perfectly willing to use the label for queer female, even if I didn't feel any resonance with it. 

 As for “internalized sexism,” it’s complicated. It’s very hard to talk about something like gender dysphoria with full honesty without coming off like I have some kind of sexism going on. But the word that I wholeheartedly reject is the word “internalized." That word starts with the assumption that my true self is Cis. It’s not. It never has been. It’s one thing for someone to claim that trans people have some level of sexism but to claim it is “internalized” is yet another kind of invalidation.

You can’t have “internalized” hate about something you never identified with      IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I wondered for the longest time why my journey didn’t feel like it ended when I came out as bi and then gay and then non-binary. It was only after watching (binary) trans men talk about their experiences that I really TRULY felt I understood myself. Even when I came out as “gay” it was reluctantly and I never thought to myself “I want to be someone’s “girlfriend.” When people looked at my relationship, I wanted it to be obvious that I was the guy in the relationship. I still remember looking for a lesbian couple that actually reflected what I wanted (to be the GUY in the relationship) and I saw a couple online that I identified with because one of them behaved more like the masculine one. Fast-forward several years, and that same person came out as TRANS male! It didn’t surprise me at all.

People can talk down to me, they can talk around me, they can talk about me but one thing I will never allow them to do—and which they can never do—is talk FOR me.

That’s what that woman in the YouTube comment was trying to do in that moment. She was trying to talk FOR me. And that’s why I felt such strong emotions and that’s why that interaction still makes me want to punch someone. Nothing in the world feels more dehumanizing that the feeling of someone taking an eraser and erasing your whole life just so they can make sense out of you for their own purposes.

I felt erased in that moment. How do you tell a condescending, arrogant stranger that when you were a kid you used to watch TV shows and wish with pained longing that you were the male characters, every time? That you felt extreme discomfort when being around girls your age because the stuff they talked about didn’t make any sense to you? And you didn’t care because you wanted to be with the guys instead… not in a sexual way, but in a “bro” way.  How do you convey that for the longest time, you were a loner because you didn’t fit anywhere and that even years after coming out these scars still haunt you?

The ridiculous accusation of wanting privilege only makes me roll my eyes. Of course a cis woman wouldn’t possibly be able to understand why else someone would want to BE a guy! Their very brains are different. If you can’t see the worth of basic male experiences (brotherhood, fatherhood, boyfriend, husband, etc) then your head doesn’t work like a guy’s head. If “want of privilege” is the only reason you can imagine wanting to be a guy, you are not a guy on the inside.  You are not binary transgender and you are likely to regret medical transition. But don’t ever apply that to me. I’m not the same.

Do these people think that cis straight women know how cis lesbian minds work? No. They don’t. And yet, they accept lesbian women all the same. There should be NO reason why lesbian women or straight women can’t do the same for trans guys.

When someone feels the need to overwrite another person’s identity, it’s usually because of some kind of deep insecurity of their own. If people really believed in gender equality, then it shouldn’t matter if someone wanted to jump from one gender group into the other. It would not affect anything. Obsessing over other people’s gender transitions is what true obsession with privilege looks like. That’s what socially sanctioned narcissism looks like.  

The only surgery I had was top surgery. It’s been about 3 years since then, and I can tell anyone with full confidence that “Regret” is not a word that would even be in the vocabulary I would use to describe the good it did for my mental health. It was like something extinguished a deep rage that was centered on my chest area. Eternal Gratitude is the only thing I feel, towards the surgeon that gave me that release and empowerment.

I had to force myself to write this post because it meant reliving a memory I'd rather throw into the trash. I just hope that someday there will be cis people out there that can see that kind of interaction clearly for what it was: one person abusing their social privilege and power over another. I hope that someday society will develop enough to look at that kind of abusive person with the same disgust that I feel, and to see that some models of understanding are flawed and only serve one group.

It’s incredibly easy to pick on minorities and to make up all kinds of fictions about them, because in a society full of ignorance, whose is going to stop you? All throughout history minorities have been considered mentally ill for being different, and each time society developed enough to see how wrong their assumptions were. What’s sick and sad is that even after all that, people are still doing this in one form or other. That’s what makes it unforgivable. With that much history to look back on and learn from, to do it again in another form is unforgivable.

As for accusations of “self-hate,” there’s nothing more self-loving than standing up against a whole group of self-entitled people and rejecting their assumptions in defense of one’s truth.

The “Realness” of my experience is something only I and others like me can know. Whatever fiction someone tries to put on top of my reality ultimately does not erase that reality. Transphobic people and the fictions they make up to make sense out of something they don’t even seem to want to understand—those fictions are not my narrative.

[tweetie-voice]

#5 - 10 Minutes Early Morning News - June 25, 2021

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At page eighty eight rights, the insanity of trumps campaign to overturn the election recently released emails really help the skeltthe pressure campaign on the justice department, the atlantic in time. It's a dangerous world out there for your devices. Apis is your. I phone is facing an excentral threat from congress. The company makes its case against sidelong, as congress considers forcing the issue incom. This was twitter voice, signing off eleven thirteen pmta

[captainclickycat]

Clicky’s Ultimate GO Disk Horse Post

Hello, everybody!

Since we’ve seen something of a resurgence of “is Good Omens proper queer rep or what” disk horse, and I know from experience that it is not good or healthy or fun for me to engage with this sort of disk horse for extensive periods, but I still have a borderline-pathological need to continually Make My Stance Clear on topics I’m interested in, behold! A definitive post of my personal Thoughts on the topic. 

It is a bulletpoint list of stuff I agree with and stuff I don’t agree with, and it gets long and distinctly navel-gazey. Nobody is obligated to read or engage with it (and honestly some of it feels weirdly dated now anyway), I mainly just wanted to get it out of my head and have a handy go-to source for my Official Stance. I can’t see myself changing my mind in any significant way any time soon, but who knows what time and further content will bring. 

Stuff I agree with:

Nobody is owed textual confirmation of their specific headcanon or interpretation

Good Omens the TV show was made as a tribute to Terry Pratchett and certain aspects along with the plot in a broad sense are constrained by the narrative it was based on

The ultimately-ambiguous nature of Crowley and Aziraphale’s relationship gives people license to apply a broad range of headcanons and interpretations and allows more people to relate to the characters than if they had been defined in clearer terms. This is nice.

However, the ambiguous nature also means that calling it “representation” is something we should be cautious about at best, and intentionally or not contributes to a much broader historical phenomenon in which cishet relationships are unambiguously confirmed but potential queer characters and relationships are relegated to subtext, and people are well within their right to view with skepticism, or nope right out of, media that does this regardless of the reasoning behind it. In the immortal words of Babybird, it can be a good thing as well as a bad thing.

Ultimately I’m glad that the show went in the direction of lending weight to the romantic interpretations of their relationship rather than flat-out denying or avoiding them. When it comes down to it I prefer that they did this instead of going “nope, this is 100% unambiguously platonic”

There’s nothing in canon to specifically deny that they’re queer or that their relationship is romantic in nature

Word of god is not canon.

An author going on Twitter and saying “I intended the characters as X, and let’s not rule out the possibility that they could be Y, Z or A” is not representation

A fair bit of Neil Gaiman’s input on this topic has been tone deaf, kinda disingenuous or otherwise not great

The idea that C & A are queer owes a lot of itself to subtext, word of god and/or good-faith audience interpretation

And there’s nothing inherently wrong with those things, they have value, but also:

It’s a good idea to be very cautious in general about patting creators on the back for “representation” that ultimately owes itself more to subtext, word of god and/or good-faith audience interpretation than actual effort or intention on the creator’s part.

“They’re gay men and only gay men, and NG is a bastard for saying they’re not” isn’t entirely a strawman, but it’s also not what a lot of people are saying.

Personal taste and personal desires play a large part in the ways people engage with and consume media, and sometimes these find their way into critical debate, consciously or not. (Mine have!)

People’s headcanons and interpretations of a text are often deeply personal, very precious and meaningful to them, and it’s understandable to feel worried that more canon content might put some of those interpretations to bed.

There will probably be things to like in the next series

There will probably be things to dislike in the next series

Going up to someone who’s genuinely excited and happy to moan about how not-excited and unhappy you are is rude and inconsiderate and people shouldn’t do it

Just kicking back and enjoying something without engaging with critical disk horse left and right is a fair and reasonable thing to do and to want. (If this describes you, I’m flattered that you’ve made it this far)

Good Omens is really good, overall. Like, I don’t just like it, I think it’s genuinely good. It’s charming and funny and (the show is) visually gorgeous and it features compelling, likeable characters and handles its themes well. It’s important not to lose sight of that. Also Pratchett and Gaiman’s work in general is something I have a lot of history with and has a special place in my heart.

But also it has some flaws

I’ve seen much worse media fly under the critical radar and be subjected to much less nitpicking.

Ultimately it’s better to enjoy the media we love for what it is, add headcanons and fanworks to taste, and also seek out other diverse media with positive and sophisticated representation, than to sit around moping over the fact that the media we love isn’t perfect or doesn’t do things precisely the way we’d like it to

That said, it’s alright to feel strongly about all this. 

Stuff I don’t agree with:

Good Omens is queerbaiting trash

Good Omens is totally-canon perfect queer rep and deserves no criticism

Subtext and ambiguity are better than clear, unambiguous textual representation

Same-gender (or same-gender presenting) relationships can be ruined, cheapened or rendered less meaningful by kissing, being sexual or outright confirming that they are in fact romantic

Neil Gaiman is the devil (or Steven Moffat 2.0, if you prefer)

Neil Gaiman is Perfect Woke Jesus and deserves nothing but praise

“Word of god isn’t canon” means that nobody can engage with, agree with, take comfort from or factor word of god into their opinions or interpretations

“Dumbledoring” your characters is fine if it’s Neil Gaiman doing it

Characters can’t be queer unless they’re openly textually stated to be queer, otherwise they’re cishet by default

“Crowley and Aziraphale are asexual” is the only acceptable interpretation

“Crowley and Aziraphale have a sexual relationship” is the only acceptable interpretation

Crowley and Aziraphale are gay men, or that “gay men” is the wokest, most appropriate interpretation of them

People who didn’t think it was queer enough just hate asexual and nonbinary representation (the nonbinary thing is especially weird but never mind that for now), hate platonic friendship, lack critical thinking skills, weren’t reading/watching properly or “just want to see them fuck”

People who did think it was queer enough are just homophobic, bootlickers or think that all queer media ought to be ambiguous

Saying “fuck you” to a stranger is a reasonable and appropriate prelude to a debate about a nuanced topic

This is the most important, most high-stakes debate of all time

[nihilismdan]

street lights, glowin’.

word count: 1,817 warnings: mention of minor character death summary: Dan and Phil go to the places that mean something to Dan in Wokingham. ao3 link: [ x ] a/n: under the cut.

a/n: i grew up in a small town, a lot of conservatives and not much else. there was a guy that i knew, but it was a friend of a friend kind of thing and he was talked about a lot in my town and he passed away and i just remembered today was the anniversary and he was amazing so there’s a conversation in here that deals with that very lightly. otherwise this isn’t meant to be angsty. i just kind of wanted to write it. this is set sometime when they were writing tabinof. 

“We never really went to the places that mean a lot to me here,” Dan and Phil are sitting on Dan’s small bed in his old childhood room. It had rained for hours, but now all that was left was the wet earth and the smell. The sky was gray and people’s lights down his street were turning on. Wokingham would be a quiet town soon.

“Don’t think so. We stayed here a lot,” Phil says, looking out the window, remembering all the times that they had taken their laptops to the window to show what the weather was like on their side of England. Being in Dan’s room feels kind of weird, like he’s stepping back in time for a moment, but when he looks over at Dan he’s taller, and different in a lot of ways, but also the same.

“Would you want to go?” Dan has his hands placed on Phil’s knee, fingers tapping against it which cause Phil to squirm a little because he’s ticklish.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Phil gets up and puts pants on and then a warm jacket.

“We can take Colin,” Dan says, leaving his phone on the charger and Phil does the same.

It was nice to unplug for a while, they sort of had to – the internet was never the best out here but over the years it’s like it had gotten worse. They walk down the stairs and the floors creak beneath them, familiarity is all around Dan, it sticks to him like the sweater on his body, and it should feel comforting but it wasn’t all the time. Things were changing, slowly, and surely.

Colin is sitting by his mum’s feet. His parents are in the living room reading together and he has to admire it for a second.

“Mind if we take Colin for a walk?” Dan’s voice is small, and surprisingly timid. “Sure, love,” his mother looks up from her book with a small smile and nods towards the leash hanging on the coat hanger.

“Colin, want to go for a walk?” Dan’s voice goes a little higher and the dog wags it’s tail excitedly, quickly getting up from his mum’s feet and running towards Dan, he’s walking in a small circle and barks just a little out of excitement. Dan bends down and pats his head and hooks the leash and Phil follows Dan out the door.

It’s getting dark, but Dan enjoys this time of night. Whenever there’s too much going on in his head he goes for walks but back home, in London, and he admires the way that the lights start to turn on, and people are walking home from work or a dinner out, life doesn’t really stop but keeps moving and it’s sort of comforting to him. In places like Wokingham it’s like time stops because the people don’t really have a reason to go out but spend it at home with family.

“So where are we going?” Phil follows the superstitious “rules” that his friends had told him as a kid, never step on a crack, he walks over them, and he can’t help but kick rocks in his path, it excites Colin for a second but then he’s quickly distracted again by the smells of people’s bushes and the trash that was left behind.

“The park,” there’s a park that’s not too far from Dan’s house, it was the one that he had always gone to with his grandmum when she would come over and watch him. Dan had referenced the park many times to Phil but never actually taken him to it.

It takes them a while to get there because of the dog, but they don’t mind it because Colin is too cute to be mad at.

“So what’s the importance?” Phil looks at Dan who seems to be lost in thought before a small smile falls on his face.

“When I wanted to run away from my parents, because they had said something I didn’t agree with, I’d come here with my stuffed bear and sit on the play structure. And then my mum would always find me here and wait for me to finish my pity party.” He laughs slightly and shakes his head. “I also shared a kiss with a girl I really liked there,”

Phil smiles with Dan and looks behind him, there’s no one there, it’s compulsory to look, to see if anyone is watching before he laces his hands with Dan’s. Colin sniffs around them and it’s an almost picture perfect moment. They’re here to work on their book, ask his mum a few questions, say hello to his grandmum for her birthday, and tell his family that he’s seeing a therapist. It took a year and Dan hadn’t found the right therapist so he had put it off until he found the one. It’s a lot, and he knew that if he did it over the phone it wouldn’t feel right. Their initial reaction to it was silence before his mum had tried to go into this philosophical rant that Dan appreciated but didn’t make much sense.

Phil just said to give them time.

It’s a lot to process on top of the book, on top of the other projects they’re doing, he gets it.

“Shall we move on?” Dan turns his head to look at Phil and he shrugs.

“Sure.”

Dan let’s go of Phil’s hand and gives the leash to Phil who gleefully takes the dog, Colin is a very easy to dog to love and take on a walk. He wishes he wasn’t so deprived of dogs as a child, and he can’t wait until he can get one of his own. Colin is good enough though. They don’t say anything, there’s comfort in the silence, and the only noise being made is from the houses they pass with loud families, or the cars that hum passed them, or the nightwalkers with their own dog. Phil spends a lot of time thinking about their future. Where they’ll be in the next couple of years, where they’ll go and what they’ll see.

He thinks about the thought of them settling down eventually, he tries not to think about that too much because it scares him, but when they’re surrounded by houses of people who sort of have it together, and walking a dog that isn’t his with his boyfriend, it’s hard not to think about. He wonders if the couple that passed by them thinks that they’re a couple, and he wonders if they think this is their daily walk too. It’s kind of fun for Phil to pretend that they do this all the time, that this is their life. He never hated the life that he has now, there were things that could be improved but he liked London and he liked having friends close by, but this was just nice too and he thinks that Dan feels that way regardless of his history with this town.

Dan slows down and they come across a cemetery, there’s a small church, and one big tree in the front and a bench underneath. It’s dedicated to someone that’s passed from what Phil could make out. They can’t go in, the gates closed but the wall surrounding the cemetery is short enough that they could climb over but they won’t. From what Phil can see is that it’s a beautiful cemetery, most are.

“Do you know anyone buried here?” Phil wonders curiously.

There’s still a light on in the church.

“A couple of people. Not anyone I was close to. Our family had this big argument about where to bury my uncle and this was one of the options but it didn’t end up happening…. But uh, a couple years ago I had read about a kid from my year eleven that had come out as gay on facebook, people didn’t really like him here, not sure if it was because he was gay or because he was a prick- I didn’t know him well enough to determine, but he did some remarkable things when he was alive that I read from the obituary, he organized a club for the LGBT so he couldn’t have been that bad. He died from a drunk driver, his parents had him buried here, and I think about him a lot. I don’t really know why? I guess I’m glad that someone from Wokingham was brave enough to publicly come out given the rep that most small towns have when it comes to things that are… different.”

Phil had listened, and nodded his head and placed a hand on Dan’s shoulder. “I think it’s interesting how we both have these people in our lives that we don’t know personally but sort of… paved the way for us just by them and their… queerness, I guess.” For Phil it was a lot of things, not so much the people he had grown up with, but it was tv shows, and then when he had gone to university it was experience, and youtube, and Charlie.

Colin barks at something in the distance and Phil leans down to pat his head and looks up at Dan again and they’re both thinking that maybe it’s time to go home.

On the way back Dan starts talking about a house because of the person that lives in it, it’s normally always someone he went to school with or someone he met through his grandmum’s church, and there’s always a story behind it, something that’s impacted Dan and he won’t write about it in the book, maybe someday, but not this one. There are things he wants to talk about, but it doesn’t feel right but someday it may be. Phil can understand that.

“When we buy our own house we should get a dog like Colin,” Phil says as they make their way up to Dan’s doorstep. He doesn’t open the door but stares at Phil for a long moment and smiles and nods.

“I think so too.” He grabs Phil’s face with his hands and leans in to kiss him on the lips. Colin scratches at the door and Dan laughs against his lips and eventually pulls away to open the door. Dan’s parents are gone to bed but they’ve left the light on. Colin gets taken off his leash and goes upstairs to his parents bedroom and Dan grabs Phil by the hand and they walk up the stairs together. They won’t be going to sleep anytime soon, but he feels better about the visit, it’s not as scary anymore now that his family knows about the things in Dan’s life. He can rest easy tonight.

“What are we doing?” Phil asks.

“I don’t know yet. I just want to cuddle you in my old room.”

So they do. And it’s good.

[jelly-omelette]

Today I felt emotionally stable. I got a solid amount of work done even though I worked four out of eight hours. I had fun texting Jess. I want to call them hiro. I like flirting w them. Tho I would like to get to know them better. I don’t want to rush into anything and I wanna feel calm n comfortable around them. So far I am. I have yet to find out if we compliment eachother and if we will mesh. I think I just want to be myself around them and not worry too much abt labels or expectations. It’s good so far cuz I think we have common interests and shared hobbies like video games. So I def feel like we can bond as friends over that. And then maybe it’ll grow into something more or maybe it won’t. Kinda hard to know this early on. It’ll take time for me to feel comfortable opening myself up to them. I’m not gonna throw myself out there too soon and reveal all my cards. I’ll keep it reserved and wait for them to make some moves first. Seems p balanced so far. They said good morning to me n was initiating convo :3 so that made me happy. I’ve been doing a good job holding my infatuation back but also enjoying the rush of the moment. It made me said when hiro told me that they have neophobia, cuz I really like trying new things. And also I worry that their Coeliac disease might make sharing things more difficult since a lot of food has gluten. I like that they r pretty asian in terms of cleanliness and eating foods like natto and umeboshi. And they’re rly cute for sending me wiki articles of both those things haha. I was surprised to find out that hiro is 25 years old but I kinda glad bc I like more mature ppl. And I like how we talk in diff languages to eachother. I wonder what their friends r like. I hope they’re not all white cuz I’m scared of white ppl. I just don’t feel super comfortable around them bc they make me feel invalidated and so foreign. I think it’s cool they have a therapist cuz that’s something I’ve been thinking abt lately. Investing in mental and emotional health is always rly attractive. So are their hands hehe. It’s funny how we’re both kinda shy abt flirting w eachother. I’m not as forward as I usually am and I like that I don’t have to be to keep their attention :) and we also share a love and interest for art, which is something that is new to me that I’m really excited to experience. Cuz then we could paint stuff together and look at art museums together. But of course it all needs chemistry first. I wonder if we’ll have any physical chemistry when we meet in person. If it’ll be rly strong off the bat or be a slow buildup or maybe it won’t b there at all and we’ll feel super comfy w eachother. I wonder what our love languages will be. I feel like it’s easy to communicate love w other Asians even if they’re only half asian bc they understand both the American and asian perspectives. They thought I was 19 lol. Oh and we also both climb, that’s gonna b really really cool if we actually have good chemistry and friendship. They’re kinda shy and hard to talk to on phone tho. I hope that’ll change over time. I didn’t like how hiro called my island bald and was saying that I was leaving trash on her island >:( not nice. But other than that they seem kind and encouraging. Can’t believe I told her I’m attracted to the thought of their nice hands embracing me tenderly and they weren’t weirded out about it :D that means I can dial it down a notch which will definitely make me feel a little bit more stable and not afraid of being ghosted or it not being mutual. I’m curious abt their family dynamic and what it was like for them growing up w unmarried and mixed parents. I want to ask that but I’ll save it for later. I’m also curious about their pronouns and if they would feel dysphoric if I referred to them as my gf. BUT that can wait cuz I mean we’re not dating and I don’t wanna rush or scare them w the dtr talk. They seem pretty open tho so I feel pretty comfortable. They like olives also and actual legit lavender flavor. That’s attractive.

At first I had some traumatic flashbacks of jenna bc they reminded me of her. Strangely kinda similar. Jenna isn’t half asian, but she was adopted by white parents. Also her parents had an unconventional dynamic, the dad was a widow bc the mom took her life and the dad married a new person. Oh also hiro has tattoos and kinda dressed like her. But hiro seems more reserved and emo and I like that, and into video games. I rly rly like that :) and culture and art. I like I like. And rly studious. Me like hehe. And also gender queer. I also like hehe. And dorky n shy and playful. Def bonus attraction :D I p confident we’d get a long as friends. Def wanna solidify that first before doing anything beyond that. But ya I would definitely get in bed w them hehehe. They’re rly cute.

Anyway about my day I also practiced guitar for like two hours, played animal crossing w hiro, and hung out w EG friends. That was the highlight of my day. I rly miss em. We watched shrek and played some jack box. That was good. I had a lot of laughs. :) then I started questioning my feelings and the way that I love ray is related to the slogan from the half of it. “Not every love story is a romance”. Cuz I love that guy to death and at one point I had like mini moments where I’d really want to cuddle him or like be physical w him, but I think I just rly rly love how much he’s helped me grow as a person and supported me and allowed me to be honest w him about everything and anything. I really want to apply all the positivity and thoughtfulness I’ve learned from him to my everyday approach to life. I feel like I’ve gone from a really depressing person to someone who is still depressed but very excited and positive about life at the same time. And no longer had to desperately search for external validation or guess about whether or not I deserve love. I just don’t question it anymore who decides to give me love and who doesn’t. I feel very grateful for my friends and my financial situation, my own place and freedom and awesome coworker rex. I feel grateful that I’m still in touch with sean, kara, dixie, aish, my swe friends, Jon, and I get to have awesome conversations abt politics and feminism and funny memes w people everyday. Also my brother and my mom, eh for my dad. And also natalie and my brother who have been there since day 1. I can’t wait to explore what else is in store for me for the future and move on wo th my life. I’m excited to explore my relationship w hiro and see what I can offer and what they can offer. I hope they see value in my abilities to be emotionally sensitive, make delicious food, be methodical and logical and clean, and also have stability and boundaries and good articulate communication. I want to work on being less defensive and being more kind to myself. Not doubting when people show me affection and not questioning when ppl do nice things for me. My perspective on life and fervor to do the right thing. I want to finish my list of tv shows and movies and make some bomb ass paintings. Oh also the fact that I got closure w my ex and we’re on good terms now and they’re gonna hook me up w some film gigs :D I rly hope hiro isn’t the jealous type that gets insecure and makes assumptions abt my relationships w other ppl. I’m still scared from my relationship w bianca and paranoid abt doing the wrong thing and not having my boundaries respected. Not having my voice heard or believed. I want to see if it’s worth it to go all in first before I do. Bianca def dived in head first super super soon. Like our first date we kissed and she slept over. And I was pressured into doing it w her even when I hesitated. That was such a meh thing and sign I should’ve realized it. But my self esteem was so low I think I was unable to value my own feelings and be there for myself when I needed myself to stand up for my feelings. I hope that I can improve my social anxiety and be more kind to myself and respect myself more. I’m doing a p good job so far w that whole situation w my dad. Just keeping my distance so I can keep my sanity cuz I care about myself enough to not compromise myself for his shittiness. I love this time I get to reflect on myself. I really really love it. I feel so free. I can’t wait to talk to hiro tmrw

[yuna-dan]

Omg could you please write the anxiety calling mario dad hc it was too cute

It became longer than expected, sorry. I hope you like it!!

Few things. They don’t need to sleep, but resting is important for them too. Mario’s kids are around 35–45. I used a translator to translate (duh) to ancient English.

—Warnings: Dead. Angst. Cursing. Fluff. Suicide —

When he appeared, Mario smiled. He was shaking softly and there were black tears running through his face.

“Why are hira tears black, Logan?” The three ghosts were floating near the ceiling, watching the kid entered and saw under the stairs. Hugging his knees close to his chest.

“Make up.” He shrugged.

“Why is he crying? He’s a kid!” Mario gasped terrified.

“Well, why don’t you go and ask him?” Roman said, and earned a glare from the scientist and the father. “Sorry. I sometimes forget it.” The father give a gentle hug to the prince.

The boy cried himself to sleep and when he woke up, there were pink flowers next to him. He looked around and picked the flower with a little smile.

“Yay. I made him smile.” Mario cheered.

—

The next day he arrived again, he went under the crooked stairs, sat under it, put some music and start working on something in his note books.

“Probably homework. He looks like a student.” Logan said when Roman asked.

He went when it was almost night.

Mario quietly wondered where were his parents, he would never let his kids out of the house without calling them constantly to their phones or with an earlier curfew.

Then again, he didn’t saw his kids growing up. —

That happened often. The boy would arrive at the house and left really late. Sometimes he would arrive with a slight limp, with bruises even.

He always cry, that was a fact.

The ghosts take played or wondered about his life. Roman would like to try to scare him, sometimes turning on the old TV or hiding his papers. Logan would read over his shoulder and blew the page back just to messed with him.

He would just smile. —

One day he arrived bleeding. Bleeding and limping. He was crying so hard, broken sobs would break through his entire body.

“I wish I could hug him.”

“Me too.”

That day Mario left pink flowers with yellow flowers.

He always took his flowers but this time, he felt them behind.

—

He came back next day, earlier than normal. He had a determined look on his eyes and a rope on his hands. He was bleeding again and his cheeks were wet.

“What is he going to do?” Roman asked cautiously.

Mario looked nervous, seeing the teen tying one extreme of the rope to the railing of the second floor. He did a weird knot to the other.

“He’s going to kill himself! Logan do something!!” Mario screamed terrified.

“What do you want me to do?!” Logan asked, also panicking a little, “I can’t touch anything but the TV remote.”

Roman tried to be a distraction.

Logan tried to be heard. (Because if they tried hard enough living people can hear them)

Mario threw more flowers.

But at the end it was useless, he jumped.

The teen was dead.

—

“It’s okay. We’re not going to hurt you.”

“Yfel wilnian yfel, thither.” Add a really mad Roman.

The teen almost destroyed the house when notice he was, in fact, a ghost. “What’s your name, kid?”

“Don’t called me kid.” He hissed, coughing a little. He was shaking, why was he shaking if his heart stop beating?

“What shall we call you, then?” Logan asked.

The three were surrounding the new arrival. Mario was siting on the floor, holding the scared kid while the other two were looking at him.

“Alex.”

Mario almost cry.—

“… I was forced.”

“Someone else took away my chance to live and you threw away yours!”

“I wasn’t alive anymore. That thing was a hell! Do you know what’s like to beaten by your father just because you don’t like girls?!” Mario winced at the power of his words.

How? How could someone force his kid into that? He would do everything just to hold them again. To kissed them goodnight and tell them stories.

Roman was mad at Alex for killing himself. Mario was furious at his father for letting the kid die while being alive.

—

Logan raised an eyebrow. “And now they can marry?“

“I mean, yeah.” Alex shrugged, enjoying the company of the scientist and the flight. He always dreamed about flying. “In some places they can adopt.”

“Wow. Look at us! Bonding over queers!” He chuckled, “Gosh, my boss would be so mad. The again he was mad all the time.”

Alex smiled. It was weird to feel happier when you were dead. —

“I’m sorry.” Roman said suddenly. “I-I was a… what’s the word? Jerk?”

Mario look up from the garden, through the window and saw the two ghosts talking. Logan was siting with him, telling him everything about the new plants that were growing.

“That’s the word.” Alex chuckled, “Don’t worry Princey, I get it.”

”I like that. Princey. Sounds scír.” Alex raised an eyebrow, “Neat. Sorry. Logan understand me better.”

Mario watched them with a fond smile, “It worked, huh?” Logan asked.

“You would’ve been a great father, you know that, right?” Logan said soothly and put his hand over the father shoulder, squeezing it a little to show comfort.

“I suppose.” He grabbed the hand of Logan and smiled as he saw the prince and the teen laughed. —

Thomas arrived a few days after shooting that video, “Hey!! Look!! The video were you all helped me is trending.”

“What’s trending?” Asked the oldest ghosts, while approaching the living one.

Alex chuckled, “It means that it’s popular on internet.”

“Thanks for explaining, kiddo.” He ruffled his hair. —

“You didn’t have to buy us a new TV, Thomas.” Logan said.

“If I had my money, I would pay it back, my dear friend.” Roman giggled watching the new TV on the living room.

“It’s fine, really. You don’t have a lot to do here, might as well enjoy the TV.” He winked.

“Can we watch Disney movie?” Roman Asked like a little kid.

“Which one?”

“I don’t care. I just want to watch Disney.”

They watched Aristocats. —

It was slipped of the tongue. A damn mistake.

“Dad, do you know when is Thomas coming back?”

The house felt even more quiet, Roman and Logan watching from afar the father and the teen.

Mario had his eyes lost somewhere, listening over and over again that beautiful word.

How did Alex dare to you it? Mario was already a dad! His kids were successful people! Not some random teen who couldn’t take a little teasing!

Alex felt the tears burning in his eyes, “Ma–rio. I’m sorry—”

Suddenly he felt himself trapped by a hard hug. Mario’s hand was gently holding his head and pressing their bodies together.

“You have nothing to apologize for.” He felt a kissed against his temple and suddenly he was crying too. Gosh. Ever since he decided to come out, no one had holding him like that.

He wrapped his hand around the back of Mario, letting the tears flow. He hated this. Why couldn’t Mario be his father instead? Everything would’ve been better instead of having… that… that monster

“I wish you would’ve been my dad.” He whispered so so softly it broke Mario’s heart.

“I can be. Now.” He grabbed the crying face of the teen in his hands and caressed the tears away, “Son.”

They cried harder.

Alex mourning a family he never had. A future he refuse to has. A neglectful mother. An abusive father.

Mario mourning a family he never saw again. The eyes of his Andrea and the smile of his Alejandro. He mourned all the things he missed.

Suddenly they felt another two pairs of arms, and the four were soon sobbing in the floor. Holding each other.

Mourning.

A kingdom he never saw grow and stupid traitorous friends. Stomach pains and so so so many years of solitude.

A broken friendship because of a darn secret. Shouting. Years of years of researching to the trash. Fear.

And maybe, maybe this new family was weird.

Maybe it was creepy and scary.

But it was their family. And it was…

Perfect. —

“Dad. What was your favorite food?”

“Alex, let me rest!”

Alex chucked. Yeah, he likes this father more. —Aclaration:Hira- Their in Ancient English The pink flower was field lily and it means happiness.

“Yfel wilnian yfel, thither.”- I wish i could, though. —

It’s 2:11 am and I’m made myself cry.

I really hope you like it.

[airspaniel]

Retrospecticus 2016

I didn’t do this for 2015, because I thought that year was such a terrible tire fire that it didn’t deserve documentation. But well, we all saw how 2016 went, and now I’m sort of sad I don’t have a concise round-up of why 2015 was so awful. I’m sure the perspective would’ve been valuable.

Anyway, here’s my 2016 in review

1. What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before? I was the sole creative and technical producer for an animated feature from one of the best beloved brands in the world. After a rough start to the year, this ended up being on of my best years professionally, thanks to [redacted] and [redacted]. Also, I took up circus, experimenting with flying trapeze, aerials, tight wire, juggling, and other general circus arts. I took a tumbling class and did front and back handsprings for the first time in like, twenty years, so even though that’s not something I’ve never done, I think the time delay makes it notable. Also, I explicitly came out to my family and my Facebook, which has been both a total non-event and deeply traumatic at the same time.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn’t really make any, but I thought about the song “Stay Alive” from Hamilton a lot, and I managed to do that, so good job, me. For 2017 I’ve brought back a resolution that served me well in 2009: “Ass, Gas, or Grass - nobody rides for free.” I’m more concerned with the latter part of that statement than the former. I also have spent a lot of time putting other people’s needs over my own, and I don’t think it actually helps anyone, and it actively hurts me, so I’m gonna try to do that less. Also - ONE HUNNERT NAZI SCALPS.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? My awesome friend Jess had an awesome baby! And like, some Facebook friends from college, which is cool but is less cool.

4. Did anyone close to you die? I mean the answer is yes and no. Because we lost the patriarch of my old folk music family, which was a gutting loss made only worse by the fact that I have been disowned by that group for the past seven years or so. Fuck cancer, is basically what I’m saying.

5. What countries did you visit? I went to England and Poland, and can’t wait to go back to both. I also did a lot of travel within the states, both for business and for pleasure, and got Delta Gold Medallion status for 2017. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice.

6. What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016? This is the part where for the past seven years I’ve said something about a relationship. Well, I left 2015 thinking one thing was going on romantically, and that didn’t pan out, and it honestly took me most of the year to get to a good place about it. And I honestly don’t know that I’m in a place mentally and emotionally where a relationship would be a good thing, though I do miss closeness and intimate physical contact. I think what I really need is better self-esteem, and to find the confidence I have in my professional knowledge and abilities in my personal life. Maybe I’ll get a cat?

7. What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? The first week of March, for the worst most gaslight-y performance review I’ve ever received, which sent me into a depression/anxiety spiral that had me thinking about suicide a lot. Also, the end of March, for the time I sacrificed my Hamilton tickets for the sake of my job. But then on the plus side I took a wonderful Vegas vacation with @lindsayribar at the beginning of July, and I’ll never quite think of champagne or the Cheesecake Factory in the same way ever again. The August-November corridor was a great time for me at work, and I got a lot accomplished that no one has ever done before. Thanksgiving with @joshversus and @dontbearuiner was also a particular delight.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Producing that movie. I was in charge of the script, the casting, the music, the direction, and the final mixing, as well as all the scheduling for every component of the production. I’d been scheduling producer for these movies for years, but I’d never gotten to do the creative producing as well, and I crushed it. I mean, we really made a great movie, and I’m super proud.

9. What was your biggest failure? I don’t know honestly. Most of the things I failed at don’t even matter anymore. I could say putting others’ feelings/needs over my own, but in the situations as they occurred, I can’t honestly imagine handling them any differently. I think I could’ve said no more often. Or maybe said yes. Maybe been less afraid.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Not physically, not really. I had some pervasive bladder issues for a while, but nothing that wasn’t solved fairly easily. Mentally I was a disaster, but I’ve got some better anxiety meds now, at least. I need to get a therapist this year.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Pretty sure it was that Vegas trip. I also gave a lot of money to my friends so they could make art, and I feel really great about that.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine did, honestly, though I didn’t get a lot of recognition for it, not even from myself.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Fucking, just... just most of fucking America at various times and in a lot of different ways.

14. Where did most of your money go? Rent. Plane tickets. Alcohol. I really can’t overstate how much I drank this past year.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? My movie. Vacations. Last minute shout out to Yuri!!! On Ice, which single-handedly saved 2016.

16. What song will always remind you of 2016? I mean, at this point if I said anything other than “History Maker” by Dean Fujioka, I would be lying. I would say the entirety of Lemonade, but Queen Bey is timeless and that album cannot be bound to a single year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? December 2015-January 2016 was one sustained panic attack, and even though that’s 100% still the case now, I feel more resolute. I had the rug yanked out from under me so many times in 2016, and even in just the past couple days, but I’m determined now in a way I haven’t been in a long time.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Feeling good. Writing. Being physical.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Keeping this from 2014 - Being lonely, being angry at myself instead of doing something about it. Also, thinking I’m not good enough, or that I don’t deserve good things. Like, that’s still a process but I want to keep making progress on it. I can’t hate myself forever, right?

20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent Christmas Eve with my folks, taking it easy, drinking some beers and watching Die Hard, as is tradition. Then Christmas Day we went up to visit my dad’s sister and that side of the family. Aunt Pat had decided that she was tired of traditional crap, and so we had a taco bar for Christmas dinner. Also I fielded a lot of comments on my green undercut. If anyone doubted who was the queer cousin, I set all of those doubts to rest this year.

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?  My folks. Vendors. I fucking hate the phone, but I did also manage to have some really good conversations with friends.

22. Did you fall in love in 2016? Nope. Had a lot of complicated feelings, though.

23. How many one-night stands? Well, I mean, I didn’t think it was at the time, but the answer is one. Also, the only time I had sex with another person all year. It was still the second most sexually active year I’ve had in the past seven, so...

24. What was your favorite TV program? Yuri!!! On Ice stole the title at the last minute. But like, I also started rewatching Leverage, and that show is great. Cutthroat Kitchen, Bob’s Burgers, and Rick and Morty all got me through some shit this year.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I mean, yeah. Basically every Republican, all Trump voters, literal Nazis I can’t even believe we are at this point but so it goes.

26. What was the best book you read? The Nice Guys by Charles Ardai. Yeah, it’s a movie adaptation, but it’s really fucking good.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? For total greatness, it’s an absolute tie between Lemonade and the Hamilton Mixtape. For sheer number of repeat listens, the Yuri!!! On Ice OST. Honorable mention to Ariana Grande’s album Dangerous Woman, and “Castle” and “Control” by Halsey.

28. What did you want and get? My movie. To know if I can still throw a back handspring. Drunk.

29. What did you want and not get? Oh, a lot of things. Also, President Hillary Clinton.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? Deadpool. Also The Nice Guys.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I was 34, and I went to my favorite izakaya with my parents and some friends from work.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Someone telling me I was good. Believing it.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016? Fuck, can I even get this on? Ugh, fine, it sort of looks okay. (I put on a lot of weight this year)

34. What kept you sane? Alcohol. It almost didn’t work, but it usually did. My anxiety medication.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Man, I don’t even know. Probably still LMM and the Rock.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? Don’t even fucking talk to me about this trash fire election. 

37. Who did you miss? My friends in NYC, my friends in Texas, my friends in LA, my friends in London.

38. Who was the best new person you met? I met a lot of cool circus performers this year.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016:

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: Pour up (Drank), head shot (Drank) Sit down (Drank), stand up (Drank) Pass out (Drank), wake up (Drank) Faded (Drank), faded (Drank) Kendrick Lamar - “Swimming Pools (Drank)“