#(and don't worry about making this a thread btw. I just wanted to share the doodle :D )

[heythereneighbor]

@alastgoodnight - See this for context

-

If there was one thing Wally learned with his friends at Home, it was that you should try everything.

When Naomi passed over Ragamonster, it was little surprise that Wally's legs immediately buckled with the extra weight, dropping him to the ground. However, somehow, Rags wasn't dropped.

More importantly, both seemed quite content with this turn of events.

[mdhwrites]

The Greatest Pain for Me Caused By My Disability

"That sounds like a ton of fun! I'd love to read that!"

I've discussed before that I don't take a long time to do my blogs. I don't do multiple drafts or think long and hard about a concept. The most common way an ask is answered is I open my inbox, look at it, and write it. If my blogs ever have a conversational tone to them, that's essentially why. I only rewrite sections if I think I got entirely off topic or if I think I missed my point entirely but most of the time, that isn't the case. I can do a 2k blog with five seconds of prep time.

Now remember I'm a writer. Then give me a writing prompt.

I have one person who has heard probably close to fifty different one off book ideas from me, said they sound great, and then had to watch as the fire in my eyes dies. After all, concept is easy. I can pitch that like I talk in my blogs. I've even shown that off sometimes. Hell, my Discord got to experience me pitch an entire multi-season show and its structure over the course of two hours because I pulled at one thread in my brain. But... I have anxiety, depression and, potentially most importantly, Avoidant Personality Disorder. Putting myself out there and putting real effort into things causes me to inherently panic because my brain is hardwired to not just expect failure but to be punched in the face for the mistake. It takes something I'm either extremely motivated in or extremely confident in to make me be able to really buckle down on it and go.

And, well... That's not something I can control. So I can get excited about an idea, share it, see it in my mind, see the words on the page... And have my ENTIRE being shut down when I consider opening my documents. It has been almost a week now since I was able to look at my Google Docs because thinking about working on my stories was enough to hitch my breathing and start a panic attack.

But I want to. I have explicitly said SO MANY TIMES that I adore working with my audience. I stream because I want to interact with chat. I like collaboration... But you can't collaborate if you are incapable of ever being reliable. If you can't promise that next week, you'll be able to actually do the damn thing you promised to do. So I hear a friend tell me they love the idea, something I do find joy in hearing... And then have to disappoint them.

It's exhausting, just as so much of my disability is and I'm sorry that it means I have to keep disappointing everyone.

======+++++======

For those curious about my hot takes btw and how that squares with this: I NEVER want to be famous for my analysis. I find posting my blogs almost certainly keys up my brain and makes me worry about response from those who already follow me, let alone if it breaks my bubble. I'm even adding this after the fact out of worry people will say I'm talking bullshit because of the fact that I'm willing to disagree with majority opinion. Hell, I think my brain is actually MORE okay with that sometimes because if I get punched in the face for a controversial opinion, that is the expected response than the potential of me gushing about something more positively blowing up in my face.

[etes-secrecy-post]

Hi, before I explain my post, I want to say something important.

• What you see my blog has become a major overhaul. And despite the changes, I decided that my 2nd account will be now my artwork blog with a secret twist.

⚠️NEW RULE! (W/ BIGGER TEXT!)⚠️

⚠️ SO PLEASE DO NOT SHARE MY 2nd ACCOUNT TO EVERYONE! THIS SECRECY BLOG OF MINE IS FOR CLOSES FRIENDS ONLY!⚠️

• AND FOR MY CLOSES FRIENDS, DON’T REBLOG IT. INSTEAD, JUST COPY MY LINK AND PASTE IT ON YOUR TUMBLR POST! JUST BE SURE THE IMAGE WILL BE REMOVED AND THE ONLY LEFT WAS THE TEXT.

⚠️ SHARING LINKS, LIKE POSTS, REBLOG POSTS, STEALING MY SNAPSHOT PHOTOS/RECORDED VIDEOS/ARTWORKS (a.k.a. ART THIEVES) OR PLAGIARIZING FROM UNKNOWN TUMBLR STRANGERS WILL IMMEDIATELY BE BLOCKED, RIGHT AWAY!⚠️

😡 WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT EVER LIKED & REBLOG MY SECRET POST! THIS IS FOR MY SECRET FRIENDS ONLY, NOT YOU! 😡

Okay? Capiche? Make sense? Good, now back to the post…↓

Title: Aace's Softest Red Bed, Pillow, and Pajamas

Hello! Once again, no #OnThisDay throwback post, but since we're in the eve of Christmas I'm bring out two artworks, per posts. 🎄🎅😊

If you haven't seen my previous one, then please → [CLICK ME!]. 😉

• This is Aace's second time going solo with this snuggle and warm artwork! 🥰🤗 His new friend Ryongtokki send Aace a multiple spare of his clothes as a token of their new friendship. Yeah, its unofficial but I hope this relation will happened, someday. Nonetheless, Aace tries to wear his new clothes and it doesn't seem fit because of his large stature. Not to worry for him, though, because he bring out his winning detergent formula, the “Fabric Softener w/ Expand Formula” 🌸🧴👕 to make it expand the size with its duplicate thread and secure the softness, while at the same time it smells wonderful. However, he went overboard by oversizing his new clothes.

Aace 🐶🐺⭐ [wearing his new clothes from Ryongtokki]: Don't wowwy (worry), I have another idea! 💡😃 Why not I stuffed my new cwothes (clothes) using ultra size pillows into the most softest mattwess (mattress) for my bedwoom (bedroom), while the other one will be stuffed by a normal large pillows to make it extwa (extra) snuggle?! 🥰🤗 While the last one, I'll sewve (serve) it as my comfy night attire! I'd just loved his clothes, though, and so as my other fwiends (friends)! 😊 I saw Vanilla had that one, too. She's wocking (rocking) it, and so am I. 😄 No wonder, that Ryongtokki was such a good fwiend. 🥰🤗 Also, did you know, that I created my fiwst (first) liquid detergent after an accident? Yup, that's my “Fabwic Softener w/ Expand Formula” 🌸🧴👕 Well, I'll spare the details, very soon. 😉

IMPORTANT NOTE: The creator himself changed his OC's named from "Miru" to now "Ryongtokki" (Korean text: "룡토끼"). Roughly translates to "Dragon Rabbit", henced the name. Very unique! 🐲🐰🥰

BTW: #1 - As Aace mentioned about Vanilla 🐰🎀, please → [CLICK ME!]. #2 - Like before it, my friend Paektu appreciated my artwork. 🥰🤗 (and) #3 - If you want more about "Aace Speedster" 🐶🐺⭐, then please → [CLICK ME!].

Aace Speedster (Chowder OC) - created by ME! Ryongtokki's clothes (formerly named Miru) - owned by Paektu (dA) [CLICK ME!] | tumblr [CLICK ME!] | Twitter X [CLICK ME!]

[artemisbarnowl]

When you're not staying up past your bedtime tell us your thoughts about checking up on people via social media!

Thank you for indulging me this long weekend why would you do this

Warning I'm gonna be pathetic because i am still grieving a nine year relationship and grieving, especially in this context, feels so UNDIGNIFIED. Also its my grieving thoughts about the socials thing not like well srticulated thoughts about the socials with some grieving mixed in. I just have a lot of feelings and i need to get them out.

1. Like, ultimately don't. Its not helpful at all i think. Unless if literally is just idle curiosity about what happened to someone in your class from ten years ago and you actually dont care what you find.

2. I am experiencing the urge to check up on my ex CONSTANTLY. (They do not really use social media this doesnt amount to much btw). I understand why people be lurking on someones insta or whatever to see what theyve been up to. Sometimes you hope theyre failing and miserable because they did you wrong and you want to feel validated. In my particular case i am worried, and i miss them. There are no posts for me to see or wonder about so this is useless but i think i also want to see that my ex is sad (because i was important to him for such a long time) but also, not like, too sad. And I'm fantasising about him sort of DOing something about it. I want to see what he's up to. Is is dancing? Is he injured? Is he Making? Is he finding small joys in life like hanging out with friends or seeing a cute creature on a walk? Seeing posts about these things would not help me! Because i would likely assume he was not sad, then i would feel angry and bitter and disappointed in myself for wasting my time. We dont share when we are sad (or why) on socials. I am NEVER going to see a post that effectively says "my smart and beautiful and extraordinary girlfriend of 9 years left me, and I am sad i couldn't be what she needed. I miss her a lot and wish i could have showed her this garden i saw today, she would have loved it. I will never forget her and dont know how to be okay with this". No one is going to see that. But ultimately i think we check up on people because what we want to see is some variation of that, so we can feel validated and know that they UNDERSTAND how were feeling.

Because this is tumblr I have made stupid posts a bit like this! I miss him all the time, i made a facebook post about a doco that I watched in the hopes that he would see it and watch it, because i think he'd like all the adorable english woodland creatures. This is also stupid! As are posts showing how well youre doing in hopes ypur ex seems them and feels stupid. Devoting this much energy to a game in your head where you will never get an outcome that satisfies you cannot help you move on or heal. But i do think its weird that we look for any possible thread that tied us to people we are without, even the terrible online ones that can never retie us! We talk to gravestones like the dead can hear us. I am currently checking my mailbox every day for a letter that might not ever arrive, and even if it does it sure and shit wont contain any information that helps me live my new single life where no one thinks I'm special, and there's no one I'm 100% comfortable to be all of myself around and who I dont get tired of being with.

I will never know if he saw the fb post, let alone watched and had opinions on the doco I talked about. Knowing wont help. He knew i have a tumblr but i dont think he'd go through it as its a huge pile of memes and stuff he wouldnt understand to look for 3 things that say im sad. And again, knowing I'm sad won't help.

Normally im very good at being like "well this is unproductive/not the best course of action" and then, you know, STOPPING but unfortunately I will continue to wonder how he is and what hes up to and cling to actually unreasonable, unfounded fantasies of what happens IF he sees.

Anyway this is a long vent that basically says i think i get why people do it now but ultimately it will never bring the carthsis we hope for (:

He knew i had a tumblr but I dont think he's checking up on me coz. Whats the point. Its a lot of stupid memes for 3 im sad posts. Which accomplish nothing as discussed.

[elytrafemme]

mhm, i’m glad you decided to explore their pairing. it’s genuinely such a comforting one, and i’m so sure i’ll read it many more times in the future :] i wanted to maybe write something of them myself, but i haven’t written anything in so long i think it would be quite embarrassing lol.

i hope you do get back into writing things soon, i adore reading your work. it’s some of the best i’ve ever read, truthfully. something about it reworks my entire brain chemistry every time i read something of yours. it’s honestly magic, mare, haha

oh, also, if you remember the cs!ranboo rp blog i made, turns out that was actually an alter in our system… so we have a cs!ranboo. sorry if that like weirds you out or anything, i just thought i should explain what happened with it. sorry about it as well, like where it turned out to be an alter instead of something for the cough syrup community. she’ll still probably answer asks and such once his blog is up and running like an actual blog for our alters. i need to get on that actually. maybe i’ll work on that tonight. the user is still the same, but feel free to unfollow it if it makes you uncomfortable! i totally get it if it does :] /gen

yeah!!! unfortunately I'm not as into OSMP anymore just by proxy of me getting really really into ace attorney and maintaining that thread of interest with cough syrup solely, but i do have thoughts about the origins characters i could share if ever prompted. i used to have a fic that was going to be o!ranboo centric in a more modern setting and there were a LOT of very extensive and debatably generous headcanons in there that i still am quite fond of.

THAT'S SO FUCKING SWEET WHAT THE HELL... that means the absolute world to me :( i got really into writing poetry lately which is still good but! dammit i miss prose. wrote a little thing last night for ace attorney and that made me feel good but like... uagh especially with cough syrup its like. these characters feel like living breathing people i can blueprint in my head and writing their world was like. a very cathartic thing for me i think. writing is extremely extremely healing and i think i'm ready to return to prose, writing less about myself and more about others as a way to explore myself. does that make sense?

NONONO YOU'RE TOTALLY OKAY!!!! YOU DON'T NEED TO APOLOGIZE FRIEND i appreciate your transparency but i absolutely do not mind at all. at this point i'm now aware of like... three? two? three? alters that are fictives from the cough syrup universe in different systems. and that's all totally fine with me i have fictives of my own so like, yeah you're all good. and you don't need to worry about like doing something 'for the community' or anything-- ppl just engaging and talking about my fic already means the world to me and making content for it is just so so so fucking crazy and wonderful and amazing and mindblowing to me but you don't have to feel compelled to like. do that. i mean hell im arguably the pioneer of the cs community and god knows im not creating anything for it rn 😭 btw let your alter know that i hope hes doing well and that i say hi! i will keep following her but if SHE'S ever uncomfortable she can always lmk <3

[jiannaeloise]

A Sneak Peek into Siargao

I haven't written in a while so this entry deserves a whole summary of what's been happening in my life lately. I just got back from Boracay a few days ago. That's where I got to spend 1 of 2 of my 30th birthday. There was a lot of night life drinking and dancing for sure. I got to meet The DJ Ron Poe during my birthday too but something embarassing happened to me the night of. The button on the neon green top I was wearing popped out while dancing with a Polish woman. Thankfully she also hugged me on may way to my seat. I was not wearing any bra but thankfully I have such great reflexes because I was able to cover my boobies just in time. Yes, there were people staring (my family and friends included) but surprisingly I didn't feel worried and just went on with my night to dance again. 😅 We resolved my buttonless top by putting a stapler on it, btw. 😂

There was one thing that happened to me the day after my birthday. I was expecting it to happen in Siargao but I guess things happened the way it should... We had a final night of drinking at Summer Place and I saw this cute guy awkwardly dancing. I was glad I shot my shot. I guess, that's really a part of me that's embedded in my personality. I'm a strong woman on that aspect I guess. 😅 His name is Alex. Yup, he shares the same name with the guy I met at that LA bar who also made a move on me. 😂 He's 35, tall and handsome. He actually looks like a foreign version of Champ Lui Pio because of his deep face dimples. My gosh. Hahaha. Sadly, we didn't have photos together unlike LA Alex. So yeah, long story short, you know how the ending goes.

I haven't had sex for six fucking years and I really didn't expect to get lucky either. But things escalated quickly and we were checked in at the very same hotel. We walked back and he invited me to his room. It turned out to be a birthday sex escape (no one knew for sure). The sex was fine. It was just awkward at some parts. I felt like I had to know my body all over again. It felt weird because I haven't been intimate with someone for such a long time (7 years to be exact, so I guess you can also call that my 7-year "itch" 😆) that I forgot to voice out what I wanted in bed! Haha. At one point before the deed, Alex asked me in disbelief: "So no boyfriend huh?" He couldn't wrap his mind around it because he said: "You seem intelligent and pretty." I really honestly do not have any answer as to why I still don't have one.

Now that I think about it and I've written this before, my beauty is not the kind that is noticeable or is not the society's standard of beautiful. So, I'm pretty sure I'm not the first option when a guy sees me. It's either that or they need to talk to me first or they completely find me intimidating. But when Alex asked me that question I wasn't bothered. For this part I am thankful I am single because I get to enjoy this now. But why am I such a late bloomer in this sense? Why am I only having these experiences now that I've hit my 30's? I don't want to end up like an old maid and still be out here hooking up with random men, checking if we're a match or not. 😔

So yeah, it was a fun/awkward birthday sex. The morning after though, I looked myself in the mirror feeling as if I was already connected with Alex because I could sense he was looking for me. My family friends would send me videos of him on our Laboracay thread, confirming exactly that. A part of me didn't want to see him that day because I am not sure when I will ever see him again. Thankfully, we didn't cross paths the day of my flight back to Manila. I did feel an ache in my heart because I wasn't able to say goodbye to him in person and I felt as if I left a part of my heart in Boracay while we were up in the clouds. To make it more dramatic, I was listening to Taylor Swift's Wildest Dreams, teary-eyed. 😂

All in all, this year was the most memorable visit to Bora. Not only because of what happened to me but because I am lucky enough to be celebrating the first half of my 30th birthday out of town with the people I love. 🥰

Sea you in Siargao for round 2 of my birthday,

Jc

[lostteacher]

WHY SACRIFICE?

HOLA~ I am here again to share some chika about anything under the sun~~~~~

btw, I am currently a teacher in a private school. I have a lot of kwento but I don't know where to share them without worrying of oversharing hahahaha. That's why I'm here.

Anywaaay, so here's the chika for today.

"Why sacrifice?" This question has been lingering on my mind recently. How so? So here's the kwento.

Last week, we were discussing about something that would let us (teachers) work overtime, overtime to the extent that we will be working an extra day for this certain activity. During the meeting, I raised a question to the moderator. I asked, "If we are going to attend a saturday activity, will there be an off-set to our daily/ normal schedule" in which some teachers agreed. Personally, I will not be able to commit because I allotted my Saturdays for my post-grad studies, which I think is not bad and will not affect my work schedule because I render my 44 hours of work on weekdays.

The idea of me asking that question made me a bit confused and I kept on asking myself, is my question bad?

to continue the kwento, I got a response to the program head of the department saying (non-verbatim) "can we refrain from thinking/ saying that 'off-set' stuff. Let's sacrifice for our students, we are doing this naman for our students"

She was right... right?? Yeah let's sacrifce... buttttt

Why sacrifice if you still have the chance to compromise. Meet halfway.

an hour offset isn't too much to ask every day of the weekday since some schedules of the teachers are not that hectic.

I find it off and I felt gaslighted at that certain moment. What if I am not the only teacher who isn't available that day, but not due to academic reasons, but with financial reasons. Can you still say we need to sacrifice?

What if that teacher is hanging by a thread and his/ her everyday budget is already planned? Can you still say we need to sacrifice?

The idea of sacrifice is not a problem with me. Sacrifice is a BIG word. Sacrifice is part of the everyday meal of the teacher.

BUTTTT. You still have the opportunity to meet half way~~~~

The next question in my mind is, "Is it bad to plan ahead without compromising?" why does it feel like it's bad to know your worth in the workplace?

Where's the life and work balance?

You are already balancing life and balance but you are being refrained to do so?

Is knowing my schedule, priorities or even worth make me a bad employee?

Is employee A, who works overtime or extra, a better employee compared to employee B, who works in the prescribed schedule?

Please note that this entry is not a rant against my workplace. I just want to share my thoughts. I am very much welcome for your comments, suggestions and criticisms.

-end-

[nny11writes]

Happy fic writer:

2 11 14

I love your stuff btw <3

Aw, thank you! :D

My answers got pretty long (especially the snippet where I just wanted to post a whole entire scene apparently) so it's going under a read more.

2. Talk about a favorite comment you received.

God it's always hard for me to pick a single favorite comment because I am fortunate to have gotten so many that I love????????

A recent example is a really short note from a bookmark actually (every so often I remember bookmarks exist and then curiously look to see if anyone left notes) that was something like "It's momgella but somehow 100 times better". I don't know why that is such a sweet comment but I got really cotton in the chest happy feelings after seeing it! Sometimes a short and simple comment just hits one thing so well, or relieves a worry I had.

Any comment that is a variation on "wow I didn't know I'd like this so much!", *explains where I was when I laughed too hard out loud*, or telling me about a specific thing (the writing style, this one line, this character, this set up, etc) that was loved really make my day!

Like a lot of writers, while I love a lot of what I post I'm also really worried I post a lot of garbage that people will hate and regret wasting time having read. So those kinds of comments often pop the anxiety balloon that my brain was holding onto.

A different kind of comment I love is when I get a nice back and forth thread going on where the commenter inspired me and then they write back and we trade ideas and headcanons and jokes. I love that so much it's outrageous lol!

11. Who is your favorite character(s) to write about and why?

I mean, right now I think it's pretty obviously Catra lol.

But let's talk character types for a moment. I love me some short queens who either go 100% berserk or short queens who, through a great effort of will, do not punch every person they want to. Catra fits both categories nicely depending on when/where I'm writing her. She has a lot of depth to her character, with a lot of different and conflicting reasons for what she does or believes. She's an unreliable narrator who really can't decide if she's the worst thing to happen to etheria or the planet's last chance at having a brain cell. It makes her a lot of fun to write and play with because different circumstance could so wildly change her reaction without stretching her past blatant OOC limits.

And, sure, I do hit those limits and go beyond when I want to, but part of why I like Catra so much is how there's so much wiggle room! I like writing from Glimmer's perspective because she also has a lot of these same characteristics. But I find that when I'm writing and about to write something Really Dumb, I often feel like the character has grabbed my wrist to look me dead in the eyes and say "No." And when I try to stretch Glimmer in more cartoony ways or over emphasize traits too much she is much more likely to tell me to cut it out. Whereas Catra often sighs heavily and is like, "I will kill you, but I will also allow it, stupid."

Ahsoka also fell into some of these set ups, you can write her younger and bolder and brasher, quicker to anger and anxious beyond all reason or older where she is stronger in her convictions but slower and calmer to act. Fulcrum Ahsoka really meets the "palm tree with a core of diamond" idea my aikido sensei used to talk about. She can bend in the wind but doesn't break, returning to stand tall once more. She's more even keeled than someone like Catra, which can also be fun to play with in it's own way! Ahsoka can't be too stoic, and she definitely can't be right all the time, so showing the really human way she makes choices or logics things out is a lot of fun to me.

14. Share a snippet.

Who wants a long snippet about Catra and Hordak learning to be friendly post canon? STOP TRYING TO LEAVE MY POST AND READ THE LONG SNIPPET!?!?!?!?!?

~

She’d nearly forgotten about it by the time the all princess picnic came around. An event that was based, partially, on Princess Prom but at an annual and less rule rigid rate. Over the years it had grown slowly from the members of the Princess Alliance to just…princesses.

Catra nearly gagged as she watched a gaggle of them skipping and giggling about. The alliance itself was bad enough at times with the glitter and friendship always wins, but the broader princess community was particularly insufferable in their full party-going glory. She quickly swiped a handful of cheesy rolls into her arm and slinked away from the loudest of the lot. It was the work of a few minutes to reach her tree, it had the widest branches in the whole meadow making it ideal to nap in, and she almost managed to hide away when she saw him sitting at the foot of it.

Hordak had opted for a skirt today, and clearly Wrong Hordak had gotten to choose his top. Unless her former boss enjoyed wearing a tie dyed monstrosity covered in a rhinestone peace symbol.

They stared at one another in an awful sort of uncertainty before Hordak finally spoke. “Ah. Enjoying the…biscuits?”

Catra looked at her arm load of greasy rolls, which she realized were staining her shirt and getting into her fur with a frown. “Yup. They’re pretty good.”

“Oh?” He sounded surprised but she wasn’t sure why, if he’d tried them then he either understood or was an idiot. “Excellent. I was unsure if the garlic butter would significantly change their flavor profile.”

It took her an embarrassingly long minute of her life to parse out the Hordakaneese. “Wait, you made these?”

“Yes.”

She managed to not hurl a roll at his head and instead just pictured how satisfying watching it bounce off his spiked blue locks would be. “Okay, that’s what we call a soft opening. So you can, you know, share more if you’d like.”

Or at least Micah called it that and Catra was going to pretend she understood it better to lord it over Hordak.

“I am aware. …there is not much else to say on this matter. I am glad you like them.” The last sentence was said with such a bizarre cadence that she was sure he’d be drilled and practiced it.

“Great.” And with that she leapt up into the lowest branches and tried to enjoy her pilfered goods. Stealing usually added an extra layer of deliciousness, but knowing Hordak made them somehow negated the effect.

There was a long stretch of silence before Hordak’s voice floated up, “Did you bring anything to the picnic?”

What a piece of scrap, was Catra’s first very uncharitable thought, followed annoyingly by Adora’s stupid, Why are you being so crude? She’d been trying to think of a way to phrase things and somehow managed to use the most junior cadet sounding thing that came to mind. Real shame how well it worked.

“I made the mint lemonade.” Catra waited a beat before realizing that Hordak probably didn’t understand what that meant. Entrapta wasn’t really about non-carbonated beverages. “I grew the mint and harvested the lemons. Adora helped me squeeze them. Sugar, lemon juice, and mint. Mint lemonade.”

“Ah. It does an admirable job of…cutting through the heat.”

Alright, she’d hit her limit of translating Hordak’s weirdness for the day. “...so you liked it?”

She peaked over the edge of her branch to watch his head tilt in consideration. Well, that was a good sign at least.

“Yes. I liked the mint lemonade.”

And that was about enough of that.

[dustydreamsanddirtyscars]

i follow a lot of meta writers who say dean's story doesn't make sense without destiel. for example, amara was about exposing how dean felt about cas; the heart stuff how she found dean by touching cas' heart follow your heart all that. i ship destiel but don't think it will be endgame (wish it would be honestly). can i ask what do you think dean's story is without a destiel exposition? Do the amara and MoC and Mary story lines make sense without it? What is Dean's personal story and endgame?

Dear anon,

first and foremost what I want to emphasize going into this reply is that people can take away whatever they want from the show and read it in a way that suits their viewing of what happens on screen. All of what we see in those 45 minutes of television is influenced and shaped by our own experiences and interests, by the things that speak to us and move us or the aspects and topics we deem important. For that very reason readings and views will always differ simply because we all have our own focus. Things that stand out to one person, aren’t important for another for the sole reason that we tend to latch onto and project what moves us most into the narrative and analyze what plays out in the episode accordingly. What I mean is: it’s natural to disagree, there isn’t such a thing as ONE and ONLY ONE RIGHT reading. And there is nothing shameful or wrong about disagreeing with someone else, it’s all about how one expresses those differences of opinion. No one is better or worse or stupid for not seeing what someone else may see that doesn’t fit to your personal impression and perception of the show. In short: Live and let live.

The reason I am prefacing my reply with this long, more general ramble is due to the fact that I feel the fighting within the fandom over “right ways of reading and watching the show” or “people being too stupid to realize the show is saying this and this and not that and that” has gotten to a ridiculous and toxic point in which tolerance is lacking all around and on all sides and is seriously tiring to me, because it is just mind baffling to me why people can’t just be happy with what they read and see in the show and share it with the ones who see it similarly, but have to force their views on everybody else and get nasty over people having another view and takeaway than them and throwing around insults like there is no tomorrow.

With that all out of the way, let me tell you my view on Dean’s story. And just to make that clear from the get go :) no, I don’t think Dean’s story only makes sense when taking Deancas into account. It’s alright for me, if people argue that and feel that way, but to me it’s simply not the case and also imo takes away from Dean as a character in his own right.

I enjoy(ed) Deancas and like interactions between Dean and Castiel (though tbh since S11 to me a lot has changed and I no longer feel passionate or strongly about them, because to me the writers and how they handle the relationship atm is just too hollow and soulless for my taste, it simply no longer has the depth and “spark” for lack of a better word that it used to have in seasons prior, which still speak to me and move me when it comes to these two characters), but I do truly take issues with people arguing that Dean or his story only makes sense in relation to Castiel. I have the same issues with people arguing that Dean’s story and Dean only makes sense in relation to Sam. Of course both people are relevant to Dean’s story, but to me another person/characters should never be the most important thing about another character. So yeah, both of these viewings are the same to me in their essence, because in both cases it discredits Dean as a character in his own right in measures and ways I personally find very sad, because it belittles Dean. And Dean is much more than the people he loves (and this actually one aspect that is actually part of the show for Dean to realize) and that is kind of one of the main things that I personally feel relevant for Dean’s arc and possible endgame: seeing himself as worthy and important unrelated to any other person/character.

[[This week’s episode imo has highlighted a great deal how I personally see Dean’s story spanning from the first season onwards and what his struggles were and are that need to be overcome for him to be happy (if you browse my 13x03gif tag you’ll find all the meta I already wrote on the topic).]]

It may be for the very reason that Dean always puts others first and worries about them that people tend to see Dean only as an extension to another character. To me personally therefore one of the main things that has been explored heavily all throughout Carver Era and with that the Moc and Amara arc is addressing how “unfree” Dean has been all his life and how he has never truly listened or maybe even truly found out what he himself wants and is without the people he “cares for” (that is btw one huge point that was made in this week’s episode when Kelly told Jack that he didn’t have to be like his mother or father, but just himself and how this drastically differs to Dean who has been both unwanted - see meta and gifs for that here), because that very aspect - Dean thinking he needs to be this or that (mother, father and brother from age 4 onwards - as he himself openly now emphasized wasn’t fair) - has become Dean’s entire “reason for existence”. He thinks of himself as only useful when he can be of service and that is one tragic and horrible way not only of thinking about yourself (as unworthy, etc.), but also to live, because as the show has highlighted again and again when Dean feels like he cannot be of help, he thinks he lacks a reason to live and slips even further into a depression that is always glowering there just underneath the surface.

Due to all of what I mentioned just yet, I personally find it highly unfortunate that some people tend to make Dean all about Sam or Cas, because it falls completely in the trap that causes Dean so many issues since he himself only views himself as an extension to someone else, but that by no means means that that is right - quite the opposite. And that is also one of the many issues I have with Dabb’s showrunning and S12 in particular as in seasons prior the narrative addressed the discrepancy of Dean feeling like he matters least, etc. but that the characters around him constantly showed that that is not the case, but only something happening inside Dean’s head. Now S12 blatantly made it text that Dean does indeed not matter himself and I will never not be absolutely disgusted about that, because throughout the entire season we saw Dean put down, his emotions ignored, lied to (really, the way the season started, Mary trampling all over her son, is so emblematic of what happened throughout the entire season as well) and none of the treatment he experienced got corrected in the end, but Dabb friggin decided that it is a stellar idea to have Dean only briefly express how his mother’s death shaped him and messed him up (and yes, I get that it is in line with who Dean is and how he thinks so little of himself and putsothers traumas and needs first while ignoring his own, because they seem less important - see how that narrative thread runs through the whole show?) but that ultimately Dean as a person once more would disappear by making it all about Sam and talking about how Sam suffered (never mind Dean did and does too) and it also only then that his friggin mother is showing any kind of interest in her son. Only when her one son talks about the other son. Yeah, nice work there. But really, what took the cake for me with all that was how Mary didn’t even wrap Dean into a hug when he fucking saved her, but she opts to fall into Sam’s arms. Sorry, but gahhhh, I’ll never not be epicly pissed off about this.

Considering all this I am not surprised when people tend to think Dean has no story of his own or that it doesn’t make sense without Deancas or Sam on the other hand, but to me as someone who is most interested in each character in their own right much more than in any possible pairing, it is frustrating, because you feel like you are an island and belong nowhere. But sorry, I got caught up in my disliking of S12, I’m trying to get back on track now.

So given all that and the whole aspect of Dean’s “lack of freedom” due to feelings of responsibility are a huge aspect that to me was integral in the entirety of the MoC arc and the Amara arc as to me it explored Dean’s feelings of inadequacy and showing and exploring how Dean may have always been the main symbol for “free will”, but rarely has had it himself. In that regard, and I know this may be an utterly unpopular opinion to many, I have always analyzed Dean’s MoC arc and his time as a demon as a sort of “rite of passage” that served as a setting stone for Dean’s liberation, because it was as a demon that for the first time Dean only did what he himself wanted. It’s of course just one small aspect of a much more complex overall storyline, but to me it is an integral part nonetheless. Dean wasn’t happy as a demon by a long shot, but he did only what he wanted without feeling bad about having wishes of his own.

During the MoC and Amara arc Dean’s lack of independency from the people closest to him was amplified by making Dean unable to control what happened within himself when he held the blade or was in Amara’s closer vicinity. He was other directed, a puppet that got its strings pulled and that thread has been an integral one for Dean since we saw him strung up in Hell and torn apart (literally) by ropes tearing him apart every which way. To me there couldn’t be a more fitting and sadder visual for how Dean spent his entire life: caught in the middle, trying to keep a family together that drifted apart and getting torn apart and ending up hurt and damaged by trying to keep all of it together.

So in a way Dean losing his agency to the mark and then later Amara was just the utter extreme of showing how Dean for most of his life has not lived and done what he himself wanted, but what others needed him to do. The theme is right there, right from the beginning of the show and culminates for the first time in S4 and S5 when Dean rejects to become and be what Heaven wants him to be. The same strength he showed in relation to Michael, he never was able to show when it came to things his father demanded of him for example. There is a a famous scene where Dean articulates that himself in “Sacrecrow” in S1

and it comes back up here and there across the seasons when Dean expresses that he wished he would have stood up against their father more, etc. - the entire episode 9x06 “Bad Boys” also shines a huge light on that whole topic as we get a glimpse of the Dean there, who was allowed to be just a teen without feeling burdened and responsible to join his father’s fight.

For me Dean’s entire arc spanning over the course of the show is a storyline about self discovery about coming of age and coming into his own (an no with that I don’t mean a “coming out”-story, though of course it could be worked in or rather go hand in hand with that, but Dean’s sexual liberation to me has never been an integral topic from the beginning of the show and explored deeply until now, whereas the other has - again everyone is open to disagree with me, I have no problems with anyone reading it different, but this is just my personal feeling on the matter). It’s a narrative focusing on identity for someone who has never truly had the chance to become who he would have been if he had never had to be what others needed him to be. Phew… that was a weird sentence, lol. Anybody else got a knot in their brain now? ;)

And last but not least (though frankly I could write like 10 times as much as I already did since this is such a complex question) since you bring up the heart symbolism. I don’t mean to piss anyone off, but the heart symbolism as such has been surrounding Dean long before Castiel even came into the show (and it’s one of my favorite topics aside from “Dean as a christ figure” and I’ve written countless meta on that topic - I’m gonna leave a bunch of links to metas behind the cut at the end of this meta, for anyone who is interested in talk about heart symbolism, liberation, Amara and MoC arc etc. - some may even feature Deancas, but 95%  are just about Dean - it is by no means all I have written on the topic, but a good start), so to me - while I have no problem with people connect the heart symbolism in recents seasons to Castiel and Dean - they aren’t connected to another character at all, but are solely a symbol and metaphor for Dean as a character, because Dean’s heart has always been his biggest asset, but also what makes him so vulnerable. Dean is the “heart” of the show, as he serves as the PoV character. But most of all the heart symbolism surrounding Dean to me also belongs to the whole identity thread. It is also after all that Dean’s metaphorical death and re-emergence as a demon as a stepping stone to his liberation and coming of age (the healing part is still hopefully to come) is brought on by him dying by being stabbed through the heart…

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/121901277911/this-is-easier-some-more-thoughts-on-the

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/69379178845/dean-winchesters-heart-is-a-puzzle

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/131476588721/11x02-form-and-void-shes-a-miracle

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/98552189146/this-is-a-story-a-marvelous-story-full-of-love

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/87629591461/go-right-ahead-put-a-blade-through-your

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/67585667715/of-werevolves-tin-men-dean-winchester-and-his

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/110615479616/dustydreamsanddirtyscarsdeans-physical-and

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/66175602035/things-about-9x05-dog-dean-afternoon-3

http://dustydreamsanddirtyscars.tumblr.com/post/127498203661/the-original-serpent-3