jiannaeloise

[jiannaeloise]

Dear Future Husband,

I haven’t met you yet but you already annoy the shitfuck out of me. 🙄😅 No matter. You’re the one I also choose to annoy me for the rest of my life. I love you to the depths of my hypothalamus and aortas.

Yours forever,

Worthy Wife

[jiannaeloise]

Trusting Again

It's been a while since I wrote here in the fear of writing something that may come true like forshadowing event that I know eventually will happen.

How do I trust people who have hurt me? I ask myself questions: "Do they have to be worthy? Do they have to be deserving?" I feel that sometimes I need to see some sort of redeeming actions more than words. But sometimes I pray and hope they would just talk to me properly because I get even more hurt by them not talking to me. I don't know if that makes sense. Communication has always been something that I needed. Not that I need to know people's actions 24/7. I just need a heads up. I just need an update of some sort. A response that will assure me that the conversation has already ended. I really appreciate those kinds of things. It just makes me feel that I am not left hanging here looking lost like there's nowhere to go.

How long should I wait when a person says: "I need to step back for a while." Without a word of assurance at all what that "a while" will look like? I'd rather go for the time where I am sure where we had an agreement that we wouldn't talk for a month than the other who said "for a while" without telling me how long it would take...

I really don't know anymore. One thing I Iearned in this life recently is to always stick to the plan and see to it that I will do it no matter what. And right now the plan is to go absolutely cold turkey to the people who have hurt me especially to those who are not accountable.

I feel that sometimes my discernment is weak because I am so forgiving and so considerate. But honestly, there is also a side of me that is not. I cannot afford to be so forgiving and so considerate because I would do my self injustice. It means I still do not love myself enough to know what I am capable of and what I truly deserve which I know is the best.

I know there are still things that I need to achieve in this life that I need to prove but honestly what is there to prove when I am just being the best version of myself each and everyday? I think that's what's more important. To be the best version of myself for God and myself, no one else. Gosh, ang hirap. 😅

Lately, I have been finding meaning in Scriptures, songs, nostalgia, news, and other things that make me human. I found that I've been healing with the things that happened in the past quite well. Like reconnecting with a guy who rejected me a long time ago. He has a girlfriend now and I know my boundaries when it comes to that. But the way I assured him made me feel that it was exactly what he wanted to hear in the moment. I don't know why it felt that. Maybe it's what my soul and heart needed too.

On the other hand, I need to remember that people disrespecting me meant that they too also needed to heal. But it doesn't mean they have the right for me to leave me hanging or judge me without knowing me. It's really when they did things first then when it was me who did it, it wasn't okay anymore. I thought it was a safe space when it wasn't that case apparently. 🤷🏻‍♀️ They committed the heart of the law against murder without actually comitting the act of murder. They killed me, in short...

So I don't know if I should give second chances. When I give chances away, until how many can I take? Could I really take it? Can I really do that to myself? I'm becoming more aware of self-love and self-respect. I am not asking for too much right? I think these things are just the bare minimum? Respect? As well as love? Is love really too much to ask? I don't need a romantic love at all. Just the basic needs of love? I don't know...

I don't want to keep on teaching people how to love me because I feel that I express enough how I want to be loved? Sometimes it matters to me when I feel loved. Sometimes I feel it doesn't matter and I don't give a care. Does that make sense? Probably not. 😔

I think this is the most vulnerable piece I wrote on here. I usually don't write things that bother me but maybe there is power in that too and there is definitely power in writing it down. In this case, typing. I still prefer old school writing. But when I can't reach the pen and paper, this is then just my alternative and just my back up.

Sharing the songs I've been listening to non-stop because I can relate to it:

1. Anything For Love • Dua Lipa

2. Illusion • Dua Lipa

3. End of An Era • Dua Lipa

4. My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys • Taylor Swift

5. The Black Dog • Taylor Swift

Go easy on me,

Jcl.

[jiannaeloise]

zielschmerz

n. the dread of finally pursuing a lifelong dream, which requires you to put your true abilities out there to be tested on the open savannah, no longer protected inside the terrarium of hopes and delusions that you started up in kindergarten and kept sealed as long as you could.

German Ziel, goal + Schmerz, pain.

[jiannaeloise]

I'm starting to ask deeper questions now. No doubt there is a connection but sometimes I think, "Is this really the kind of man I would want to do life with? Someone who just gives me the bare minimum?"

Yes, he cares but. Yes, he appreciates but. There is always the but.

[jiannaeloise]

It took me forty days, but who's counting?

It took me forty days to realize that you will probably not ever let me know what you think. That you would probably not want to ever talk about it with me. Just know that I would have fought for you with all that I've got. But you probably don't see me the same way. You only gave me silence. And when we met, it was as if nothing has really changed so maybe I should take that as a good sign. So I will also take that as a sign that you probably don't want anything to do with me. It was not a rejection nor an acceptance. This was exactly one of my fears that would happen. Most guys that I've confessed to will tell me to not act awkward, or they like another girl, or nothing will change, or will reject me. With you, it's silence. It's neither or. I finally decided to delete all our conversation history from Viber, FB messenger, and IG as well as a few photos of you on my phone. There were only just a few left I was able to publish and those are the only ones I will allow out there. Even your Christmas letter, I want to throw away but I don't think I have the strength to do that. I'm sorry...

I wish you the best for the rest of your life,

J

[jiannaeloise]

Japan Diaries: Take Two

Second time arriving at Japan since 2019, made me say the same thing the first time I landed: "I'm home." Because it does feel like home to me for some weird reason. This time we were able to visit Kyoto then Osaka. If given more time and days, I think I may have fallen in love with Kyoto more. With Kyoto, I am more present, observant, and reflective. While I was on the train, I just saw things differently like how I would see a speckle of light and the shadow of leaves that's beautiful on a wooden plank. I had reflective thoughts like: "Each person here has their own dream. I wonder what path they're taking..." But Osaka will have a piece of my heart, since it's the first ever foreign city where I was able to have my alone time to explore the streets despite having the trip with my family. I was surprised I took 27,000+ steps in a day and also visiting a cat café for the first time. The thing is, I've always wanted to do some things by myself such as watching movies alone and taking solo vacations. Little did I know I'd be going to Universal Studios by myself! An amusement park? Who would have known?! Although my visit at USJ was cut short. Some of the rides were out of service or suspended because of the strong winds. I was able to enjoy my time mostly at the Harry Potter attractions that I suddenly found myself rewatching the installments. Lol. One of my favorite things about Japan is the easy accessibility to trains, clean Japanese toilets (they even have a toilet cleaner inside the cubicle!), and endless food choices left and right. You'll never get bored honestly. I know I'll be back someday to visit places that are more underrated because I can't get enough of Japan. 💕

This trip made me realize that I truly need to see the world and get out of my comfort zone more often. It made my decision to live outside the country more stronger.

Imanotokoro kore dake,

J

[jiannaeloise]

Glimmers in the late

I haven't updated much and written in a long time that I think I need to do a life update. Nothing much has changed since the last day of December 31st of 2023. As much as I want to jump on in the 2023 recap bandwagon, it hurts for me to go back to memories from last year because half of it was good but the last months was really heartbreaking. It changed me a lot. Most days, I feel like I cannot recognize myself anymore no matter how much I try to put myself back to pieces. I honestly have no perfect word to describe what I'm going through. I numb myself by watching series with themes that are on the surface level, though I started watching cooking shows to spark some passion of trying out something I haven't done (like ever). Even my writing here seems like a mess.

Anyway, the reason I wrote today was from a sparked question. It made me tear up, which means I must not be entirely numb after all. And the question was: "Why does certain things happen right about when it's too late?" This question emerged because another workmate submitted his resignation. It was funny because I had a three-way call with two of our Architects on the 2nd day of January in the middle of a work day. Basically, they were given a notice to explain for something that happened around December of 2023 which was our separate Christmas party. They were both asking me what's the right thing to do and the next step, not knowing that one of them already made a decision to resign anyway. It was at that moment that I thought: "Why didn't we do this more often last year? Why just now?"

Maybe there is a gift in the late glimmers for those who are leaving. I wonder what would be mine. Yes, I already decided I will resign this year and prepared a letter. It really is just a matter of when. I have no plans yet but all I know is I don't want to work at a corporate job anymore. I want to finally do something I'm passionate about. I don't know what it is yet but I just listed some down. I want to grow up and get out of my comfort zone and I won't be able to do that if I stay here longer than I should. Talk about let go and surrender.

Surviving and still trusting,

J

[jiannaeloise]

Mentally on the brink

I used to have fun at work doing what I love most but right now I seem to have no direction. I get excited about the littlest things and recently I don't. Life is happening before me and yet I don't get excited about making any kind of connection. I just want to stay at home and wallow or drown in my own emotions and thoughts. A team member just submitted her resignation last November 15. We worked together so well and loved our dynamic. Life goes on they say so I try to put on my best behavior. I try to do my 100 percent even if I don't feel like it. I'm losing hope, losing faith, and losing sleep. How long am I supposed to navigate and cope with the things recently happening within me and outside of me? I've been wanting to bawl my eyes out with tears but nothing is coming out. I think I'm starting to become numb... I want to badly to talk to someone but don't want to reach out. I've been trying to do a cry for help in between my messages but no one seems to be offering any comfort. The only comfort I have now is watching FRIENDS and the occasional moments I have in prayer. I don't know what's going to happen in the future and if I will get back to my normal rhythm in my work. Sometimes I wish I could have taken that executive assistant position because nothing is going on right in my life anyway so might as well take on it.

Gosh, I miss the old me. The happy content creator. I have one last solution to this melancholy. One thing that could possibly save and relight the fire for the thing I love doing the most. I have decided to go to the van Gogh exhibit with my guy best friend. The last time I went to Da Vinci's, it was definitely something that I looked back thinking: "My god, I needed that."

Trying to stay resilient,

Jianna

[jiannaeloise]

Just like in the movies

Last night I was offered to be an Executive Assistant to the CEO of our company. I had to take a pause because I think it's one of the most important and highest position I could take if I said yes. But the thing was I had only 15 minutes to decide and I had to decide right then and there. I don't have time to think or even pray about it. The salary increase is tempting but just like Uncle Ben says in Spiderman: "With great power comes great responsibility." The once-in-a-lifetime opportunity came to me dramatically. Like a marquee question with the words: "Ready to change your life overnight?" I don't have the experience and don't know how to be an executive assistant. My heart is really in the creatives. I just thought, I think it would be better if they get someone who is already capable and knows what to do. On the other side of it though, I did think about the growth and the pros I will have if I did take the job. But my life literally flashed before my eyes to fast forward events if I had said yes. At one point, I even thought: "What if I consider and say can we do a dry run?" But I thought that once I do that, there's really no backing out. I just know my life will turn upside down in an instant. I really wish there's a Black Mirror option in life where I could see what my life would be if I said yes or no. But If I had said yes, I would have to say goodbye to my weekends because I would need to work. And honestly, I'm still coping with the stress I have with work. I'm mentally still trying to maintain my momentum. I don't think I can handle more at the moment. At the end of the day, I have a feeling I made the right decision to say no and that's enough.

Crazy times ahead,

J

[jiannaeloise]

Thoughts

I've been wanting to get back on track with my personal life for some reason. I am missing someone (we haven't seen each other for a loooong time) but all of a sudden, I also missed myself. I missed myself in a sense that I haven't been posting on my stories like I usually would. I wanted to get some normalcy during my mundane days by watching series after work. I felt like somewhere during this month of October, I kind of lost myself. But maybe I feel this way because the month of September to October has been hectic as fuck and I've been stressed. I now feel the pressure of helping the team to contact people and make a sale and yet I do not know how to converse on the phone. I literally have no idea of what is the workaround and what I would say to clients. I have no training whatsoever to be doing what I've been told to do. I missed just being a content creator but I know that I won't grow just by being there. So now, I have no choice and no say but to just do. They said we would focus on buyer's acquisition but every week for this month we would have property visits which is the opposite of what they told us we should do. They say this is just a temporary thing but I do want to do everything I can to help.

Last night I had dinner with my workmate, because I want to relax and feel at ease and want to get that sense of normalcy I was talking about. And it does feel good. I just really hope I get a glimpse of "getting back on the horse." Or at least ride the wave of this new change in my routine because I want everything to be exactly the way it was, and I don't if that's a good thing or if that's just my comfort zone talking.

Big sighs,

Jianna Eloise

[jiannaeloise]

Tiring Day: A Life Update

Last week have been hella hectic. I started becoming active at church again and was asked to be one of the project heads of an activity. I'm grateful to be heading and really surprised from all of it. There were a lot of backend details that needed to be taken care of but I know I surely will miss organizing an event like this, hectic as it may. 😄

There were a couple of people I didn't want to see in that activity. Still, I maintained a civil attitude towards them and surprisingly even said thank you. Sure, there was already forgiveness in my heart. But again, it wasn't an invitation for me to be friends with them. No hard feelings just all in good boundaries. Doing that felt like a statement. That I made the right decision to leave their group. That I made the right decision to stand up for my best friend who they stabbed in the back over and over again. That I can still do good or great things and my oh my was it a treat for them to see it themselves without having them back in my life.

OG church crush was there too. I realized that praying with him face to face got awkward now. It was also there that it dawned on me that it feels different and that I'm not used to his presence like before. It was then I knew I was looking and missing someone else.

But all in all it felt amazing to be seeing real good friends from the church and I got to know some of the elders who I see but don't know the names of since it's been awhile since I just got active again. I truly missed this. Serving and having a sense of community. It feels good!

Can't wait for more,

J

[jiannaeloise]

"There are many kinds of joy, but they all lead to one: the joy to be loved. You must let what happens happen. Everything must be equal in your eyes, good and evil, beautiful and ugly, foolish and wise."

— The Neverending Story, Michael Ende

[jiannaeloise]

People have been coming back from the grave...

Just the other day, an old fling reconnected and wanted to meet. And you know how it is. Of course he just wants to fuck. The thing is, I'm beginning to be tired. Even the thought of masturbating is not enticing to me anymore and I have no idea what's happening. I was expecting my thirties to be dirty to be honest but everything seems to be happening the entire opposite. But this is not even the surprise reconnection the last few days. The end of my August was so crazy, B1 added me again. Yes, that guy best friend that I loved who was supposed to be married. Yes, that guy who I had a tension with and almost fucked. He's back. I don't know exactly what this means but I forgave and completely left everything behind for my own healing. But the thing is B1 wants to talk to me personally. I don't know why I feel like HD and I should talk first before anything else. I know we don't necessarily have a thing but lately I've been telling him that I want to tell him something. I feel like he deserves to know in person that I made a decision not to tell him whatever it is I am supposed to say. I don't know when that will be but I kinda want to consult him about B1 when we meet and ask him if it's a good idea if I should meet up with him despite of what happened.

What the fuck,

Jc

[jiannaeloise]

Dear Future Husband,

I just woke up from my sleep from watching Manifest. I'm on Season 4 now. I don't know what it is but I searched for the IG account of the series. I witnessed the table reads and a plot twist I didn't see coming. That's when an epiphany hit me. I don't know where and when you're going to appear in my life but I think I hit a crossroad. I'm not gonna give up searching for you in every eyes I meet or in every voice I hear. But I am finally going to give up control. With every question not asked by a person, I'm not going to circle back. With every conversation that died down with a connection, I'm not going to circle back. Because if there's one thing I learned today is that I would love to see the plot twist of how meeting you without being stuck in the details. I'm always the kind reading in between the lines, trying to catch any single clue. And I could figure it all out if I tried and if I wanted to. But what if I don't have to? I want to stay in the present, trusting the magic of how our story will unfold. You're getting near. I just know it. But I promise, I will stay patient and I promise to let go of any control and smile at it if it arises.

Always patiently waiting,

Your Wife

[jiannaeloise]

So this is what the road to healing & acceptance looks + feels like.

There's something about art, no matter what form, is so therapeutic. It's not just about the aesthetic that we are all so familiar with and what we see depicted in social media. Maybe that's the reason why a lot of painters lean into it. I've been wanting to go on art dates not just for the sake of content but to be in awe of what thousands of wise talented individuals have brought to life with just a color and a brush. I was not disappointed. 💙

[jiannaeloise]

Dear Future Husband,

I've been having this intense desire to go back to the church community to serve and be present. I guess for the most part is because I want to have a sense of control over the emotions I've been feeling towards someone lately. Last week, we went to Batangas for our company outing. There, out facing the ocean, I asked it: "Itutuloy ko pa ba yung nararamdaman ko? O titigilan ko na?" On our way home, I'm pretty much convinced I really need to focus on God first. After the trip, I left the Viber group where he was also in because I wanted to avoid him. I think without even knowing, I already have my answer to the question I asked the ocean. I was ready to stop whatever I was feeling towards this person. I'm still trying until now but I do feel I'm already getting to the place where it's simmering down. But things happened in between and we had to meet for work and I couldn't completely ignore him because I didn't want to be dramatic and I had to appear like a pro. By the time the work was done, I invited him and a workmate to dinner because I'm hungry. There he asked me how I was doing and if the reason why I left the group is because I wasn't invited during their movie at Barbie on a Sunday. He even said: "Balik ka na sa Cinco." He did try to add me back to the Viber group during my dad's birthday but I reminded him and put my foot down that I needed more time to contemplate.

So, I did exactly that and it really felt so good. I feel like a cyclist ready to step on that pedal to ride. I mentioned to my girls that I will go back to the dating pool after August. I don't know exactly what I'm waiting for or why I'm still hanging on if I already have my mind set on moving on. Half of me doesn't want to date yet because I know that I'll be doing it out of spite — just to make him jealous. If I want to put myself out there, it is because I am ready to move past this big question mark that is him. There's just a voice in me that is saying to wait until end of August. And I don't think I can sleep if I don't follow that little voice. So wait, I shall.

Dearest husband, I don't know exactly where you are right now. I'm out here confused, broken, and bruised. But I'm never out of hope. I'm never out of faith. I'll never run out for you nor run away from you. I do hope that if you're going through something right now, you have a way to power through as well. Don't lose your grip. I'm right here waiting.

Forever yours,

Your Wife

[jiannaeloise]

Dear Future Husband,

I woke up from my sleep but felt strongly to write this entry as this must be the most sensible entry I ever write to you. I confess that conversations with people who are married gave me a sneak peek of the bad and the ugly of a real relationship. There's a few take aways that I learned deeply, making me recaliber the question: "Am I ready to be a wife? Am I mentally fit to be actually married?" Just the thought of being financially capable and emotionally available as a girlfriend is already making me spin in circles, so what more if I become a wife?

No, I'm not sure I can answer if I'm ready by the time I meet you and you appear in my life. I still have so much things to change and improve about myself. But from the way I see reality, marriage life changes you entirely too. If I want a married life, I have to really choose the battles to fight. I have to be resilient because most of the time my enemy would be myself. I have to be ready to see the good and the positive over the frustrations. I would have to go through cuts of knife and burns so I can cook you and our family a good meal. I would have to stay up endless nights for our firstborn. Would I be ready to be exhausted from putting everything in our life first for both our future and our children and still be there as your wife? Would I be ready to go against my own parents (I think I've been doing this my whole life anyways! Haha) and other outside subjects only to still choose you in the end? If choosing you everyday doesn't make me happy at all times would I still do it anyway? The thought of it all honestly scares me. They all say that a happy wife is a happy life. No. All my cousins said it in unison, "It's a happy husband, happy life."

Just the other day, I was reminded of the word forever. And I still honestly don't know how to interpret that conversation. 😂 I just told myself: "Maybe it's not mine to interpret. Maybe it's mine to enjoy." The word forever scares me, my love. But if I decided to say yes to spending my life with you eternally, then there must be a goodamn reason why it will be all worth it.

Today, I started seeing an imaginary engagement ring on my finger. Today, I started seeing someone on my side while having those life conversations. I know it must be delusional. But if it's my first time to have that, then I want to have faith and hope that you must be near.

Ready when you are,

Your Wife