#(all of these are gonna be perryshmirtz)

[mammalsofaction]

Someone pointed out to me in one of my posts that the reason Perry was SO pissed off during OWCA files was bc he's jealous Heinz was spending time with so much of his co-workers, and Ive since been thinking about this and I genuinely hate how much this makes sense.

Obviously that isn't the ONLY reason, but. This is the second recorded time where Heinz ends up working for OWCA and BOTH times Perry spends the entire episode inexplicably grumpy and pissed.

You COULD say it's bc he's wary, he doesn't trust Heinz to behave professionally as an agent when he takes so much pride as an agent himself and incompetency pisses him off (true). Also that Heinz is lumped as his responsibility, and agent Lone Wolf hates being saddled to a person.....but these arguments crumble in light for a few facts.

1. Perry doesn't have THAT much respect for OWCA, and certainly not Francis, ESPECIALLY if they piss him off. See the aftermath of Undercover Carl. Its not a respect issue.

2. Perry knows what Heinz is like. He LIKES spending time with Heinz, and as early as the events in "Come Home Perry," HE knows that he can trust Heinz to always have his back. Its not a trust issue.

3. Perry is hugely supportive of Heinz reforming, and in MML, it's HIS money being the first and foremost funds provider for Heinz to start a time travelling agency. He likes Heinz turning tide fine, so long as he doesn't shut Perry out or leave him behind. It's not a Being Good issue.

So why was he pissed off?? Well. What's the ONE thing that upsets Perry, without fail, when it comes to his loved ones that isn't them being in undeniable danger.

Sharing. Perry hates sharing.

[leathr-blr]

make him relatable facebook memes like minions pls

.

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[Image description: 3 digital drawings of Perry the Platypus and Dr Doofenshmirtz.

The first image is a two-panel comic. Perry stands behind a laptop and looks at Doofenshmirtz as he walks into the room talking. On the top left is a tweet by @gloomFather showing what is happening in the drawing, it reads, “(Interrupting my wife's Zoom meeting) Hey babe I noticed you didn't cut my blueberries in half when u made my snack earlier? I guess you want me to choke and die?” The second panel shows the continuation of the tweet, it reads, “(Noticing myself reflected in her webcam next to her coworkers). Nightmare blunt rotation lmao.” The drawing under it shows Perry’s laptop, in a Zoom meeting with Major Monogram, Carl Karl, Admiral Wanda Acronym, and Peter the Panda. All of them look blankly at Doofenshmirtz. Perry looks at Doofenshmirtz irritated. Doofenshmirtz’s back is facing the viewer, he’s looking at the laptop screen and is slightly pointing at it.

The second Image is of Doofenshmirtz quoting a tweet. He looks annoyed and is talking, on top of him is a tweet by @largeMotorCycle, it says, “Anxiety is so fucking embarrassing.” He then waves his hands and looks top left even more annoyed, the tweet continues, “Oh noooo, what if something happens. Jesus Christ.”

The third image is of Doofenshmirtz and Perry from the OWCA Files. Doofenshmirtz is squatting and look’s over at Perry, smiling and quotes a tweet by @Ygrene, it says, “wednesday, huh? more like wedn's this day gonna be over Imao.” Perry looks at him with a serious expression. End ID]

- ID written by @/perryshmirtz-described! thanks again!

[pnfc]

here is some unresolved(?) perryshmirtz whumpfic(?), rated T. i call it “doofenshmirtz talks on the phone a lot”. idk if i’ll put it on ao3, it depends on if i continue.

disclaimer: in this fic the owca agents are brain-modded, for purposes of juiciness. typically i prefer that pnf is just a goofy cartoon world with smart animals.

EDIT: i'll leave this post up but i finished this, on ao3 here

---

“It’s actually a net good for society if you climb the trees, Perry the Platypus,” Heinz is telling Perry as they stroll the orchard path. He’s sagging a little under the weight of a basket they’ve mostly filled.

“See I know there’s that rule, ‘no climbing’. But that’s for the 8 year olds who fall and crack their heads open -- the emotionally unbalanced teens out to break an arm. Not for you, Perry the Platypus. Treehopping is a cakewalk for you. You’re like a ninja up there.”

Perry flips his wool scarf and surveys the lowhanging branches, pointedly ignoring Heinz. He vaults up to snag a Golden Delicious, dunks it square into the basket from over his shoulder, not looking. Heinz whistles, even as the impact buckles his knees. “That’s what I mean.”

He catches up to Perry -- “What about the apples at the top of the trees, Perry the Platypus, do you think of them? Nobody can pick them, so they rot on the tree or rot on the ground. No one comes to an orchard to pick apples off the ground.”

Perry signs: Two-year olds.

“Besides them,” Heinz insists. “That’s like a third of all the apples just going to waste, so nobody can enjoy them.”

Birds and bugs, signs Perry. Can enjoy them.

Heinz ponders this. “Maybe. But I can tell you they’d enjoy my fresh-baked strudel a lot more.”

Perry makes a “yeah, yeah” wave to brush off Heinz’s winning point. Heinz can see the smile curving up his bill from behind, as he walks ahead. “Hold up, Perry the Platypus,” he says. “I think we have enough.”

Heinz sets the basket down, intensely grateful to rest his arms, and Perry skips back over to survey their haul. An even mix of Jonathan, Smeralda, and Goldens. “The best for baking out of the October set, in my experience,” Heinz explains to Perry. “These Goldens look a little young, but I think they’ll cook up okay. Could also use them for a syrup, I’ve been meaning to try that.”

The walk back to the exit is when it hits.

Perry reaches out a paw and pushes it against Heinz’s leg, tentative. Then he wrenches the fabric into both fists, hard, and chirps, frantic. This makes Heinz stop.

“Perry the Platypus? What’s up?”

It’s like a hypnic jerk, the sensation -- a dizziness cresting over him like an ocean wave, a loudening roar of foam. Perry looks up at Heinz, finds his blue-ringed eyes wide with alarm, like his own. And he holds Heinz’s leg like it’s the last stable thing, as the wave swallows him up in a gulp, then silence.

Perry thinks I’m having a stroke, before he can’t think it.

“...Perry? You okay?” Heinz has dropped the basket and is crouching down to Perry’s level. “What’s wrong, did I forget something? We have enough apples,” he says, knowing that’s not the problem. “If you want more, you’re carrying and paying.”

Perry’s still linking his gaze with Heinz’s, clutching his knee like he needs it for balance. He chitters out an anxious exhalation. Heinz taps him on the bill. “Hey. You gonna clue me in here?”

Perry shakes off the touch and backs away from Heinz, pinwheeling his arms and toppling onto the ground. The scarf gets trapped under his forepaw, pulls taut around his neck -- then he’s racing forward in a panic, growling at a high pitch, through the red leaf litter, scarf trailing after and under him.

“Perry!” Heinz exclaims, craning around to follow Perry’s tracks -- he bumbles into the basket, shooting apples out like poolballs. “Settle down -- tell me what’s wrong, okay? You’re scaring me.” He pushes himself up. “And that’s not how you treat that scarf. That’s Merino, Perry, it took me weeks to knit. You’re grinding dirt into it.”

Perry halts, at the tail of Heinz’s upbraiding, and looks at him with saucer eyes. Heinz approaches him slowly, like he’s an animal he might startle away. But Perry doesn’t run, when Heinz leans over him -- actually seems to settle, as Heinz clasps his hands around his shoulders.

“Perry the Platypus.” His brown eyes blink. “What is going on with you?”

Heinz picks him up. “You’re going to have to say something,” he says. “Or I’m going to assume this is an emergency. Are your arms malfunctioning? One blink yes, two blinks no.”

This gets no blinks.

Heinz drops Perry into the basket and runs out to the parking lot -- dropping a 20 on the checkout stall as he does, to cover the apples still in the bottom of the basket. They need to get home.

The OWCA watch beeps while Heinz is driving, Perry basket-bound in the passenger seat. Perry jolts and lifts his paw, looks at the glowing screen -- in the side of his vision Heinz sees Perry press his beak into the watchface. “God, not now, Francis...” he mutters.

Heinz parks right next to the elevators in the apartment garage. His phone buzzes right as he shuts the car door. “Perry the Platypus, we’re going upstairs, okay?” he says. “You want to stay in the basket?”

Perry’s just staring into him as he’s addressed, no reaction to the question. So Heinz exhales and walks to the elevator, basket steady in his arm, and checks his phone. It’s from Carl: Dr. D, this is urgent: is Perry okay?

He freezes in the elevator lobby, and dials.

“Carl, are you there?”

“Yes, Doofenshmirtz, hi. Listen, I need to --”

“Do you KNOW about this? What’s going on with him?”

“I -- oh dear,” says Carl, sounding sad. “I guess it worked. How is he? Can you describe his behavior?”

Heinz balks at that, staring at his phone -- Carl just confessed to screwing Perry up somehow and now he’s asking after him like a caring orderly, shameless.

“Are you kidding me? His behavior? He’s not himself, Carl,” Heinz shoots back. The metallic echo of the boxy room amplifies his voice, so he tries not to yell too loud -- Perry is out of the basket on the floor of the room, staring nervously up at him from a few paces away. “He doesn’t seem to get what I’m saying, he had a major panic attack out of the blue -- and he won’t talk to me. Like, no signs, no nods. He’s walking on all fours, Carl. What did you do?!”

“It wasn’t me,” Carl squeaks defensively. “I mean -- it’s this audit, Heinz, the agent program investigation. They didn’t even notify us they were sending people over today. It’s FBI people, they” -- his voice tightens to a whisper -- “they busted into every office, they found some of our server rooms and -- look, I can’t get into this right now, but I’ll call you back as soon as I can. Just ... just keep Perry safe, take him home. And for the love of god don’t let him escape.”

Carl hangs up in a hurry, before Heinz can yell a reply. He scowls at the red call-end sign.

“What the hell is wrong with that kid,” Heinz asks the room. “Maybe Francis knows. I have to give him a call. I hate when it comes to that, Perry the Platypus.”

Perry is doubling back to the apple basket, slinking close to the floor with visible nerves. He clambers back inside. Heinz pushes the elevator button.

Upstairs, Heinz drops the basket on the kitchen island and budges Perry’s hat aside to place a hand on his head. “First things first, Perry the Platypus. We’re going to give you a checkup. Okay?”

Perry still doesn’t react, but Heinz will keep treating this like a two-way conversation. It’s an old habit that he hasn’t slipped into in a long time. He didn’t miss it.

Heinz leads him to the bathroom -- Perry mostly sticks by his feet, but stops in place once or twice, swiveling his gaze around the spacious penthouse canopy, either like it’s new to him, or like he’s remembering it. He snaps back whenever Heinz calls his name -- there’s that, at least. It’s not much, but it’s something.

Phineas’s housewarming gift, one of them, had been a platypus first-aid kit. He’d presented it to Heinz back when Perry had just told his family about them and Heinz was hosting a “win Perry the Platypus’s family over” lunch (unofficial title that Perry had deleted off the invitation cards). Heinz had read a kind of parental judgment into the gift choice, at the time, like the kid wasn’t trusting him to take adequate care of Perry on his own, without being handheld. Maybe Heinz’s reading was unfair -- he has a chip on his shoulder, when it comes to mom behavior.

He unsnaps it. The case is overstuffed -- it pops open with decollapsing trays of portable disinfectant and numbing wipes, surgical sewing kits, cut-closing gel and fur-safe teal bandages to cover it in all sizes, claw trimmers and medicated toothpastes and endoscopes. An impressive degree of overkill -- he really likes that kid, past misgivings aside.

“I’m just checking a few basic things,” Heinz tells Perry as he rummages through and pulls out a stethoscope. “Fever, stress, blood oxygen. You never know what can affect the brain -- a lot of things, really. Including Carl. Well we already know it’s Carl,” he grumbles. Perry’s irises contract at the flashlight shine, and he blinks and squirms in Heinz’s hold. “I’ll just have to squeeze him for answers later. Knowing the brain geniuses at OWCA they activated some stolen villain tech without back-engineering it first -- a mind-control beam, some harebrained monotreme-dumbdowninizer. Are they still using my memory eraser?” He huffs -- pulse and blood pressure readings are normal. “Why’d I ever make that thing. I can never recall.

“Everything looks fine so far, Perry the Platypus. That’s... that’s good,” he says, not feeling it. Perry is poking his bill inquisitively into the trays of the first-aid kit. Heinz will need to break out the MRInator. Been a while, so he’ll need to tune it first, which could take hours. Better get started on it right away. He needs to be working right now, because if he stops he thinks he will gelatinize into a ball of terror. That wouldn’t help Perry.

He’s 15 minutes into his work, checking that the gradient coils are aligned, when the phone rings. His screwdriver hits the ground as he lunges for it, ready to yell the full story out of Carl. But it’s Peter calling. He stares at the profile photo, which is many years out of date.

“...Hello? Peter the Panda, since when do you call? What’s up?”

“Hi, hi -- Doofenshmirtz?” comes a voice on the other line. It’s pitchy, so he has trouble placing it at first.

“Mystery? Is that you?”

This is weird. Heinz never talks to this guy. He isn’t even up on whether Professor Mystery’s still practicing evil -- just gets the impression from Peter that they’re doing alright together, whenever the two of them cross paths.

“I’m calling because something’s wrong with Peter,” he says, a quaver in his voice that Heinz can hear he is trying to suppress. “And I wanted to ask if you know anything. Did you do something to him, Doofenshmirtz? Or, if you didn’t. Can... can you come over here? Can you help me talk to him? I thought maybe he’d respond if he saw a familiar face, or maybe you’d have one of your... weird machines that could help him.”

“Verdammt noch mal,” Heinz hisses through the hand raking down his face. “That agency. It’s all of them?”

“...What?”

“It’s OWCA, Mystery, they did something to all of the agents. Apparently, if it hit Peter. Perry’s the same way.”

“...Oh,” responds Mystery. He sounds lost. “So can you come up here? I’ll -- I’ll cover your tickets. Both of them.”

Like he’d fly there commercial. “Mystery, I’m getting details out of the OWCA guys right now. I need more information before I can make any plans. Sorry.”

And Mystery couldn’t pay him enough to take Perry out of the city right now. Perry’s been hopping between the sofa and the carpet, then walking over to Heinz and bumping into his side as he works, before cycling back to the sofa, a knot of agitation. Right now he’s digging his forepaws into a couch cushion, like he’s trying to find something that isn’t there.

On the end of the line Mystery sniffles -- oh, no. “What happened to him, Doofenshmirtz?” he says, voice cracking. “My parents were trying to figure it out, they were asking me how old he is -- but it was so sudden, like something hit all at once. My dad asked if I let him go near any black holes recently.”

“Did you?” Heinz asks, genuine. Mystery got up to some hardcore science in the old days.

There’s an ursine growl on the other end, angrier than Peter sounds. “No. That’s their baggage. But I was worried,” Mystery says, “about the age thing. Because. Well.”

Heinz knows Peter’s well into his 20s, by now.

“There’s only so many more years, for him,” Mystery says, faltering. “And so -- what if this is -- if this is how he is now,” he wavers, “then that means I didn’t even... have the time, have the time I thought.”

This precedes a total breakdown of his speech into wracking sobs, that don’t transmit prettily over the phone audio. Heinz pulls the phone away from his ear, frowning at it with no little sympathy. Mystery’s age, like so much about him, has never been clear to Heinz -- but he can tell the guy’s young, comparatively. Whatever their relationship passes for there’s a strained mentorship quality to it -- Mystery has turned to Heinz for answers, in the past, and has repaid him with petulant resentment every time. It’s very bratty. Like when Vanessa would ask him for help with science projects. Heinz can’t resist another opportunity to help each time he’s asked, even knowing the outcome.

But consoling this man wasn’t on Heinz’s docket for today. “Mystery,” he says, “You’ll get that time. You cannot have so little faith in Peter the Panda, so soon after something happens to him. You’re a scientist -- you’re a master of mystery. Give it a few days, before you have a breakdown, alright? That’s what Peter would want.”

Heinz thought that was pretty good, but Mystery just cries harder on the line. He feels shaken -- he doesn’t want to be hearing this right now. That’s selfish, he knows -- but Mystery has family. Mystery can handle himself, and he can handle Peter. Heinz cares deeply for Peter’s wellbeing, still, but part of caring has meant learning to trust his choice of partner, just like Peter trusts his.

“Look, Mystery, I have to go,” he says -- he looks up, and doesn’t see Perry. Suddenly he meant what he said, with an urgency. “Get your parents to help, and tell them all morbid speculation is banned. Give them a furbrush, tell them go to town on him. They’ll love it, he’ll love it. Bye.”

He snaps off the call and rushes through the house, looking for Perry. The kitchen, the balcony ledge, the pool. This place is too big, when he doesn’t want it to be.

He finds a puddle in the bathroom. Perry knew enough to go in there, apparently, but not how to use the toilet.

Perry is back in the sitting room hiding under the glass coffee table, tail curled under like he’s ashamed. “Oh, Perry the Platypus,” Heinz sighs, kneeling at the table and reaching under to stroke Perry’s head. “What are we going to do with you.”

Mr. Fluffypants’ old litterbox is in the storage room that used to belong to Norm. He sets it up next to the toilet. Their bathroom has ample room. He exits, knowing he has to keep the inertia rolling, has to work, can’t process that he just set out a litterbox for Perry. How is he supposed to process that.

Right across from the door, in the hallway, there’s an elongated picture frame with photos from a family beach trip, when Heinz had more color in his hair. The left side highlights Vanessa, who’d brought along a friend -- she’s laughing in some of them, more unrestrained happiness than she showed in her gradeschool years. There’s the massive sandcastle they’d constructed, Norm using his vacant head to scoop, Vanessa lifting Perry up to decorate the upper echelons with fine detail, the two of them focused on this process for a long time while they’d chatted. And then photos of Perry, the surf breaking over his feet as he poses with a notch-tailed surfboard, cool confidence in the line of his smile. Heinz loves that picture: he looks so handsome, his white beach shirt open and playing in the wind.

He finds himself staring at it. This was Perry an hour ago.

He calls out: “Do you know Vanessa, Perry the Platypus? Va-ne-ssa?”

No response, obviously -- Heinz is convinced he could jostle some kind of reaction out of Perry if Vanessa stopped by in person, like Mystery had been aiming at with him. But he has no intention of letting her see him in this state. Perry would hate that.

Heinz collapses into his folded arms on the kitchen island, amid the newly-purchased bags of flour and sugar, for the apple pie they will not be making tonight. He doesn’t want to eat.

But Perry should, he realizes after a minute, lifting his head. Perry seems less agitated now, has been wandering the floor. Right now he’s peering out at the balcony sky, seated. Heinz walks over to him. “You’re not going to try and run off of that, right?” Perry looks up. “Carl made it sound like you were gonna bolt if I so much as left a door open.” But Perry’s been keeping near to him, following him from room to room. The real Perry isn’t this clingy. “I don’t trust you to operate a parachute right now, Perry the Platypus. And don’t let me see you going in the jetpack closet.”

More empty eye contact. “Let’s get you dinner.”

It’s reheated lasagna they’d made a few nights ago, beef and zucchini. Heinz stares hopefully at Perry as he eats it off the plate, thinking the taste might stir a memory. He noses the fork off the table, jumps a little at its clatter, then starts nibbling bites off the edge of the lasagna block. Heinz is over there cutting it up with a butter knife when Carl’s return call finally buzzes in his pocket -- he puts it on the tabletop set to speaker mode. “Carl. I hope you’re ready to talk.”

“Yes Doofenshmirtz, hi,” returns the tinny nasal voice. “I had to get home -- Monogram’s getting grilled over there, and he wouldn’t stop yelling back at them, at the FBI agents, who were jumping at the bit to arrest him. I managed to broker a peace,” Carl ends, proudly.

“That’s fantastic, Carl,” says Heinz. “How about explaining what you did to Perry the Platypus’s brain? It hit Peter too, by the way, I know this is a bigger problem than you want me to think.”

“I don’t want you to think anything!” says Carl. “This wasn’t my choice, Heinz, or Monogram’s for that matter. They turned off the agent control switch. I kept telling them they didn’t need to do that, they should just leave the agents alone -- it’s more safe that way, honestly, we didn’t even know what would happen if they used it. But they just said if it’s part of the animal program, it needs to go.”

Heinz’s stomach sinks lower than he thought it could. “Agent control switch? You’re controlling them?”

“No!” says Carl. “It’s not a -- clear term. Nobody’s controlling the animals, Heinz. It’s like a remote control hub, with a binary state, on and off. They shut it off.’

“So that’s good,” Heinz falters, trying not to let the ominous weight of whatever this implies overwhelm his thought. “You can just switch it back on. It sounds like you can literally fix this with a button press, Carl, so do it.”

“Well, yes and no,” Carl dithers. “They shut it off. Then they confiscated all our equipment. They said ‘classified’, when I asked where it was going. so my guess is it’ll end up in some storage basement or the FBI dumpster, based on how badly they mishandled it. They split open the casing just getting it out of the room, it was hard to watch.”

That sounds about right for OWCA, 70s-era supercomputers filling up rooms they were never intended to leave. “So the switch controls something in Perry’s head?” Heinz asks, steadily. He’s thinking of the giant magnet he was about to put Perry inside. “Like a metal chip?”

“It’s a bioelectric material, I’m pretty sure,” Carl says. “Part of what makes it so hard to access, once it’s inside. The investigators were going to make us lobotomize all the agents, if I hadn’t told them about the switch, it was the only choice. They’re serious about stamping out this program, Heinz, like they’re trying to erase it from the public consciousness. Because if people see a dog in a hat they’ll mob up and burn the government down, apparently.”

Heinz feels on board with that plan at the moment. “Carl. Professor Mystery’s having a breakdown, I had to talk him off the cliff this afternoon. Neither of us knew about this. You didn’t tell any of us,” the heat is rising in his voice, “that Peter and Perry had something in them that you controlled, that this could happen at any minute. Did they know about this?”

Carl is quiet a second. “... I’m not sure,” he says. “I thought Perry knew. It’s not a major secret, it’s just what we do, to promising recruits. It’s had a less pronounced effect in the newer ones, since we stopped putting them in babies. But Perry’s always had it. That’s why he’s so intelligent. But he might not have known about the control switch -- it’s really a relic, we haven’t run power through it in decades, since we’ve had no reason to deactivate the agents.”

Perry’s nosing around the table, his lasagna half-eaten -- he makes a small noise of complaint. “Oh -- I didn’t give you water,” Heinz realizes. A cup seems too optimistic, so he fills up a bowl.

“Is that Perry?” asks Carl from the phone speaker -- Heinz rolls his eyes. “How is he? I’m really sorry, by the way, Heinz -- there’s a lot on our plates over here, I’m just trying to keep us afloat and Monogram on a leash. You know I care about him, too.”

“Then fix him,” says Heinz. Carl goes quiet, while Perry drinks from his bowl.

“...We’ll figure it out. Good night, Doofenshmirtz.”

Heinz looks out at the silent space of his apartment -- the living room lamp is taking on the brunt of lighting it, now the early autumn dark has fallen. With the phonecall battles over and done for the night, it seems quieter than usual.

This space is normally filled by just him and Perry, now that Norm and Vanessa are out on their own. Perry doesn’t talk, and employs his platypus noises judiciously, only making sound when he really wants Heinz’s attention, or is in a temper. But his presence fills the space, in a way that’s hard to explain, easy to feel.

Normal nights, Heinz gabs his way into the late hours with Perry as his receptive listener, and responder, accompanying Heinz on their end-of-day tidying chores, toweling dishes off for him to stack on high shelves, shooting him dry looks and signing quick sentences that make Heinz scoff. Perry believes Heinz is worth listening to, which makes Heinz want to keep chatting with him, more and more, a self-feeding loop that would overload the casual conversational partner. But Perry is no casual.

Normal afternoons, they work on parallel projects to the sound of old radio serials, to audiobooks of bestselling mystery novels, to the Landmarks in Evil podcast. Perry will grab Heinz’s attention to sign some withering remark on the spotlighted villain of the week, and Heinz will snort into his construction tools. Perry’s presence grants him undesired OWCA updates around the house, that they both groan at simultaneously. Perry grants him gift-laden drop-ins from Ferb and Phineas -- literal balcony visits, often, since those kids and their friends fly around the city in more novel contraptions than Perry once did. Perry gives him looks that say everything.

Now, Perry has hopped off the kitchen chair and is padding around Heinz into the living room space. He turns to look at Heinz, like he keeps on doing, but his face expresses only a primal distress. He chirps a high, querulous note, cry-like, foreign on Perry’s tongue. Heinz could step on Perry’s tail ten times -- he has -- and not hear a noise that heartrending.

“I know, Perry the Platypus.” Such a thing you say to pets. But he shares Perry’s sentiment.

A flash of guilt twinges his stomach, and he pulls out his phone to text Peter’s number: Got the intel - I’m fixing it. Take care of Peter the Panda tonight.

A quick reply: I AM. Heinz’s lip quirks.

Heinz raps on the shell of the MRInator -- its completion feels less urgent, now that he has a better concept of the problem. He’ll finish it after a night of sleep, so he doesn’t risk frying Perry’s neurons. He doesn’t want to sleep, knows it won’t be easy, with this mountainous weight hanging over him. But dire times call for proper rest, he’s learned to accept, after 50-some odd years. He downs a plastic cup of Nyquil.

“I’ll have to fix you tomorrow, Perry the Platypus,” he tells him. “Or else I’ll start owing everyone an explanation. Really don’t wanna give the ‘Carl Scrambled Perry’s Brain’ apology tour to your family. I don’t think they’d talk to me again, even though everything is Carl’s fault. As established by the name of the tour.”

Perry wails again, a haunting trill sent into the darkness of the penthouse.

“But don’t worry,” Heinz adds, hurrying over to Perry -- he bends to pet his head. “I will fix this for you. And for Peter the Panda too, and all the other agents. I promise.

Perry whines again, more quietly, in Heinz’s hold, looking up at him with sad brown eyes. Heinz rubs his old hands through the fur of his head -- Perry looks so different right now, hunched in a dog’s sitting posture. Whatever they did to him, whatever pathways are now shut off in his mind, must have enabled or encouraged more human postures, better standing balance -- who knows.

Heinz isn’t sure what to make of Perry now, this animal shell of him. He wonders if Perry feels the same about him -- what is he to Perry now? His partner, his mere protector? Is he less than he used to be?

Heinz takes his left paw, gently, lifting it in his hand. He thumbs the metal ring on his finger.

“For the MRI tomorrow,” he tells Perry. “In case I forget.” He removes it.

Perry pads after Heinz as he gets a glass of water from the sink, as he walks to the bedroom. He feels odd dressing down to his boxers, in front of him now. Perry doesn’t pay him any mind, though -- as soon as he walks in he jumps his way up to the bedspread, scrabbling at the blankets on the edge to barely avoid falling.

“Not letting you in any apple trees,” Heinz muses emptily.

He slumps back into the pillows, feeling the doxylamine fog roll in. “But I’ll need you back soon,” he says, “so we can do the Haunted Haymaze with the kids.”

Perry trods up to him on the blanket. He makes a quiet noise -- not scared or confused, but a regular krrr, like he used to make. A gentle declaration of presence, a little care-package growl. Heinz lifts his arm, and Perry crawls under it, pushing his head into his neck. This movement isn’t forgotten, to him.

Heinz hugs his other arm around Perry’s body, and he falls asleep.

---

[humanperryfic]

to be honest, i'd rather not have perryshmirtz be actually canon.

like, would it be cool? yeah! has DTVA been teasing it for months? yeah!

...would it also involve the perryshmirtz tag being filled with people going "eW WtF whYYY DisNeY i neEd eYebleAcH" [plaintext: "ew wtf whyyy Disney i need eyebleach] from people who haven't seen the show since they were ten? yes! that is 100% a thing that would happen!

and i don't want that to happen. sure, some people would have their "come to the dark side we have cookies" moment, but how many more won't? how many more will be harassing us for a ship? the pnf community is pretty chill with the whole "don't like don't read/YKINMKATO (Your Kink Is Not My Kink And That's Okay)/curate your space to your comfort and ignore/block what you don't want to see" thing but with the revival it's gonna get to a larger audience, and the larger the audience, the less nuance there is with that sort of thing.

i just want my subtext. let the ones who ship come to us.

Also I want things like

Bi Vanessa (maybe even Stacy/Vanessa??)

Actually all the teens/young adults being bi/queer

More with the whole Baljeet and Buford thing

More with Baljeet and Isabella's heritage

Trans/queer background characters (and even jokes! there are queer jokes that could be really funny!)

Danville Pride/Pride Episode

hell, even Bi Doofenshmirtz having terrible luck with guys too

too, and I think any explicitly canon Perryshmirtz would kinda overshadow that. By a lot. And they all deserve better.

[owcaunion]

Absolutely reeling over the fact that I used to think I was gonna bury the fact that I ship perryshmirtz to my grave back wheb i was 12 or sumn now i have. An entire blog. Dedicated to screaming about them. Truly the character development of all time

[fried-eggs152]

Alright gang I’m gonna make a wholesome perryshmirtz story that’s based off of “just our luck” when Perry did an all nighters (eepy boy)

…tomorrow I also did an all nighter and I’m exhausted

[one-strugling-bean]

Okay so

Just recently i got a bad case of the flu and I've been stuck at home for the past few days. I decided to do a complete marathon of Phineas and Ferb meanwhile, to keep me busy (aka to keep me from going insane)

And like, i havent seen PnF in years. I had watched the finale when it came out and a few eps of MML but still, it's been so many years since i last saw any actual episode, i gotta say, i was surprised. Like, please, someone please explain to me -

When did Doofenshmirtz and Perry become so shipable??

Like seriously, i am so confused. I had never noticed that when i was younger, but they really do have chemistry. I could stay here for hours waxing poetry in the form of headcanons about them. "Road to Danville" was my favorite ep on them. They're so cute in it.

I was really curious about this so I went to see who else had discovered this ship's potencial on the internet (besides their creators that is) and i found out there's a whole fanbase?? Like wha- I felt so lost. Not really suprised anymore, i mean, it made total sense - they have so many shipable moments i swear to god- but still!

Apparently Doof became a recurring character in MML 2nd season or something and he gets even more couple moments with Perry. I can't wait to get to that, and then try to draw them and fail miserably.

Anyway, welcome to my TED talk - how i started to ship a teal platypus named Perry who's also a secret agent and his forever nemesis, an evil scientist who's also a traumatized child and a great dad, Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

[tip-the-great-and-terrible]

A list of the things that are clearly different from canon in the Carpe Diem AU

- Ferbnessa does not exist. That was a useless ship.

- Bujeet does exist. They make a pretty good enemies to lovers arc.

- Perry was a quadruped until Doof accidentally hit him with the Anthropomorphinator at the end of Season 1. It also hit a bunch of other animals, who were located and accepted into the newly-formed OWCA to fight the evildoers that were popping up everywhere nowadays. (While this occured before canon time, in vanilla PnF there was a flashback scene to six years ago in which a clearly anthropomorphic Perry was hired by OWCA to fight Doof.)

- Ever since Gaming the System, Phineas wore a dress and Isabella wore a suit to any fancy occasion. This includes several of the ones they didn’t originally wear anything fancy to.

- Phinabella was executed a little better. They met a little before the show started, barely recognizing each other when Isabella first peeks over the fence to check out what Phineas is doing. At some point Isabella realizes her crush on Phineas. A little ways later, Phineas realizes his crush on Isabella. They’re just a bunch of mutually pining idiots for a while, enjoying their time with each other and having long talks with Ferb about what the heck they’re supposed to do. The ship is only fully realized at the end of the show, but that’s still well before it was in vanilla.

- AYA and Time Travel 2: Quantum Boogaloo are non-existent and completely ignored.

- The New Year’s episode, being the finale, was a lot more hyped-up and drawn out. It was the length of a full episode, everyone dressed up fancy (or at least fancier than usual), and the ball had a room inside of it covered in screens. Now, there’s no evidence that this didn’t happen in vanilla, but Phineas kissed Isabella at midnight right in front of the camera this time. …This was also used to draw attention away from the image of Perry kissing Doof on top of a chair on a screen in the background just slightly out of the frame. Buford and Baljeet get to dance in the song, which was probably extended. Candace and Jeremy probably still kissed in the song, but it would have to have been pushed back a little bit, because the episode ended after Ferb’s line “I’d rather think of New Year’s as an unspoiled universe.”

- Doof gives up evil significantly later and less abruptly than in vanilla (although still well before the finale).

- The enemies to lovers arcs are more defined. I know I tend to float through canon and not pay attention to what’s going on until people are getting redeemed, but the arcs were a little weird in vanilla. They were played out like a ship since the beginning, or willingly stood next to each other despite being sat on a few episodes ago, or had one of them go from yelling at the other to comparing them to a married couple with very little warning, or punched each others’ lights out two minutes after a heartfelt reunion. It moved back and forth in jerks, going in one direction on average but still oscillating constantly. Things will always be weird, but it’ll be nice to have the arcs be a little bit smoother.

- While it’s technically not PnF canon, the MML crossover thing never happened. MML was still going on in the background, but the storyline sort of bent around it. They did, however, interact a little outside of that major crossover. Also, at some point someone was checking through some alternate universes for some reason, and there was one where pistachio monsters took over the earth, so there may have been time travel shenanigans involved in the reason why the crossover didn’t happen.

[chaotic-lion]

This isn’t the ending that you deserve~

[nerdygeekyscience]

I think I have a problem

Me: Oh, I love this song, I'm gonna listen to it on repeat for a while!

My friends: Like... an hour or so?

Me: More like literally 3 weeks, including in my sleep

My friends: *horrified* GET HELP DEAR LORD

Me: *grins* Nah. *Puts on headphones*

[cantdanceflynn]

OK @samtheacesheep WANTED MY PNF FIC RECS(I KNEW IT WOULD BE U AND IM SO HAPPY BOUT THAT LOL) SO HEHEHEHEEHEEHEH OH BOY :DDDDDDDDDD THIS MIGHT BE MULTIPLE PARTS.

FIRST THE OBVIOUS RECS(IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THESE AND DON'T HAVE ANY ISSUES OR THINGS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT OR LIKE. YOU GET IT NOT RLY A BLANKET STATEMENT. ANYWAYS. IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THESE WTF HOW TRUST ME READ THEM YOULL THANK ME)

(THIS NEXT ONE IS TECHNICALLY A PERRYSHMIRTZ SERIES BUT ITS HUMAN PERRYSHMIRTZ AND JUST TRUST ME OK YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO READ IT I ONLY DID ON ACCIDENT BUT I WAS INVESTED BY THE TIME I REALIZED BUT JUST. PLS TRUST ME READ IT ANYWAYS)

THIS ISNT EVEN CLOSE TO ALL OF THE SLOC STUFF AND ILL GIVE YOU THE FIRST ONE SORTA BUT MOSTLY BC IM SRY BEX TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHERE EVERYTHING WAS IN RELATION TO EACH OTHER WAS A GODDAMN NIGHTMARE. BUT PLS TRUST ME SLOC AS A WHOLE IS JUST. INFINITY OUT OF TEN.

OK THIS LAST ONE ISNT ACTUALLY THAT OBVIOUS BUT I LIKE IT ENOUGH THAT IT SHOULD BE

NOW FOR SOME OTHERS!!!!

THIS ONES A WHOLE BUNCH OF FUN EVEN IF IT GETS A LIL EH AT TIMES

CROSSOVER FIC OF ALL TIME OH MY GOD CROSSOVER FIC OF ALL TIME

THIS IS LITERALLY ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS EVER AND JUST. I NEED TO FINISH THE REST OF THE ART I WAS MAKING FOR IT IDK WHY I LIKE IT SM I JUST DO

IM NOT GONNA LINK FIGHTING FOR DANVILLE BC THAT ONE STILL HAS BITS I HAVE TO SKIP TO AVOID VOMIT BUT THAT ONES RLY RLY RLY GOOD SO IF YOU FEEL UP TO IT THATS ON BEXS FANFICTION.NET TOO :]

OK IT WONT LET ME ADD ANY MORE LINKS NOW SO THE REST WILL BE IN RBS(INCLUDING THE ONE I FOUND TODAY AND MY FAVORITE OF ALL TIME) SO YAYYYYYYYY :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[mammalsofaction]

FIC COMPILATION

Because I worry about losing track of them

Very First Perryshmirtz wedding drabble (Rated G, a comedy of errors)

Heinz in the Virgin Killer sweater (Rated M, but very nearly explicit)

Save a horse ride a platypus (Rated E, straight-up sex, Human Perry)

We love an Oh moment (Rated G, Perry realizes something literally everyone else figured out forever ago)

Outline of Seeing Double (Rated G, Perry gets hit with the Molecular Separator)

Body Worship drabble (Rated E, yeah what it says on the tin.)

Mind Control (Rated E, set during Remains of the Platypus, the butler inator, implied non con.)

Do it like they do on the Discovery Channel (Rated E, hunger as a form of love, very small breeding kink at the end)

Found you (Rated G, non graphic descriptions of injury. Heinz got into a spot of trouble, and Perry welcomes him home.)

When We Didn't Get Along (Rated G, POV outsider, what the Flynn-Fletcher sees during the infamous Panda related breakup)

I Hurt You (Rated G, second part of the breakup arc series)

Wedding Adventure (Rated T, Perryshmirtz rewrite of Candace's Big Day with human perry. Part 1)

Doof in Perry's shirt (Rated M, highly suggestive)

It'd be weirder if they didn't, right? (Rated T, social media AU) Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, part 4

Wet Shirt Train (Rated T, slightly suggestive, flustered Heinz)

Momentum (Rated T, Outsider POV, OWCA Files)

First Impressions (Rated G, MML/PNF Crossover)

Missing You (Rated T, MML/PNF Crossover)

I Fell For You (Rated T, introspective)

Soap Opera (Rated G, introspective)

Happy Accident (Rated G, poll based fic, another Chio banger)

Same Day Delivery (Rated T, shipping inator)

Slippers (Rated G, peter the landa mentioned)

May I Touch You? (Rated M, my absolute FAVOURITE Chio art work so far, Absolutely obsessed)

Disarmed (Rated E, its yeah. Its smut)

SIKE! GET LOVED IDIOT! (Rated G, chibiverseplat perry, fix it fic)

Early Days (Rated G, non graphic depiction of Injuries)

Sugar, we're going down swingin' (Rated T, Angst, ambiguous ending)

Pushing All My Buttons (Rated M, steamy angry frotting on the stairs)

Bring Me A Dream (Rated G, lazy kissing)

Forbidden Fruit (Rated M, kisses in secrecy)

Domestic (Rated T, Doof 101)

Pop Shop (Rated T, pre-slash sorta)

His man (Rated G, inspired by shippy Perryshmirtz disney t-shirt merch)

I'm gonna need some collateral if you're borrowing Ferb (Rates G, also inspired by Disney merch, just the Flynn-Fletcher siblings one shot crackfic)

Posted on my AO3

Coffee Stains and Creaky Floorboards (Rated T, no archive warnings apply)

You snuck your way right into my heart (Rate T, no archive warnings apply)

You Must Be New (Rated T, Graphic Depictions of Violence):

Don't Need a Dictionary- (Rated T, no archive warnings apply)

Don't Leave Me Here Alone (Rated E, No archive warnings apply)

Lunch Break (Rated M, No Archive Warnings Apply)

Cupid, Cupid Shot Me 5 Times in the Heart (Rated T, No Archive Warnings Apply)

Merry Fuckin' Christmas (Rated M, No Archive Warnings Apply) [SECRET SANTA]

MY HUMAN AU LORE POSTS

1. Human Perry Lore [Part 1] [part 2]

2. Human Sergei Lore

3. Human Pinky Lore

LINKS AND POSTS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME (AND ALSO MY FOLLOWERS AND MUTUALS)

1. Leaked, possibly now deleted song from CSG of Heinz wanting to be a Good Guy

2. Talk to Him, Extended and with Different Lyrics

[leathr-blr]

Can you upload the gayest bits from Agent P's guide to fighting evil?

of course dearest anon ✌️ ask and you shall receive. also going to include some little things i just like here and there because i know all of you will enjoy them

also a reminder that if anybody wants to read this book, here’s a pdf, free of charge:

👇👇👇 down here, it’s gonna be a lot of scrolling

“history will say they were best friends” more like “OWCA hand book will say they were frienemeses”

-

this whole page

look at their little date dude…

-

of course, the part we all know

-

perry in the ball gown. gorgeous

-

moments from the comic segments:

1.

they are dads. no elaboration needed

2.

tickling as a solution is generally p cute (i like when they battle unconventionally, like the pillow fight in notp lol)

3.

heinz complaining about perry leaving too soon once again

4.

this isn’t perryshmirtz, but you know how i feel about these two… and monogram deserves the sass

-

bonus: peter and perry jamming out. because i like it

i hope i didnt forget or miss anything, my brain went numb while typing alt text and i hit the image limit lol

[looney-mooney]

Also, um, Hit Monkey Spoilers, go watch Hit Monkey because it’s great and the stuff I’m about to talk about ruins a really great moment if you’re waiting for it to happen, but.

I really hope Hit Monkey gets another season and that in this second season we’ll get to meet ghost guy’s daughter, ex wife, and also that man he fell in love with that he mentioned. I mean, he said that he doesn’t go a single day without thinking about the man he fell in love with. And like. I’m not SURPRISED that he’s bi, he’s got total disaster bisexual vibes, but I don’t want that to be forgotten. I wanna know how that happened, how they met, what he’s LIKE.

I also want to know the consequences of ghost guy not reading that fucking contract. Like, the lawyer’s granddaughter in me was screaming when he said he didn’t read the contract, like, at the VERY LEAST you gotta skim that shit. Though I guess that just makes it more fun.

Oh! And I can’t WAIT to see Akiko’s Lady Bullseye! I want her and Monkey to have, like, a RIVALRY. Just IMAGINE the BANTER, Oh my GOD it’s gonna be AMAZING. Even if she still doesn’t understand Monkey’s language which … okay tangent time, but it seems like Monkey’s language is not actually that difficult to pick up? Like, Ghost Guy I can forgive because he’s spending 24/7 with this monkey as the only person who can interact with him for weeks, and he also spent a good deal of time with the monkey tribe before that, so I can see him learning the language via immersion. But Police lady? She’s gotta have an affinity for languages on par with Hit Monkey’s affinity for murder and badassery. Like, what the fuck. Although I guess she did learn Japanese, which I can say from personal experience is hard as SHIT, and also probably English, which is my native tongue but still confusing as fuck, so maybe Monkeys language is just really easy to learn in comparison. Anyway. Monkiko ftw I guess?? Though I’m not sure how I feel about the idea of a grown-ass woman being attracted to an actual fucking monkey that way. Don’t get me wrong Monkey’s crush on her is fucking ADORABLE and I LOVE their dynamic, but uh. It has the potential to get weird? Maybe I should start headcanoning Monkey and Akiko as asexual? Or something??? Or maybe I should just hope they can just be good frienemies or something lol.

But yeah no if the Monkey gets to have his weird heterosexual furry bait relationship with his badass gf, then ghost guy should be allowed to see the man he fell in love with.

Oh fuck I just remembered that Phineas and Ferb is technically part of the Marvel Universe. There’s a precedent for this. Haha holy shit imagine Monkey ending up in Danville and Akiko/Lady Bullseye following him and them ending up fighting in front of Perryshmirtz and them going like “awww, remember when we were like that? Memories. Anyway good luck with the nemesis relationship we wish you guys all the best” and Monkey and Akiko just going like “??? Da fuck???” Haha I might have to make a mini comic like that. Anyway.

Watch Hit Monkey

[humanperryfic]

Historical AU???

I want to write a historical AU since I have some free time and also I love all of these time periods and doing research is weirdly fun. But I have too many ideas and I can’t decide between them, so I’m putting it up to a vote!

Here’s what I’ve got: 

The London Crime AU

Heinz Doofenshmirtz is a thief-taker rather low on London’s crime stopping totem pole who wants to make it big. And the best way to do that is to capture the infamous Lolliberry Duo- Perry and Lyla. Of course, they’re not going to make it easy for him...

The Speakeasy AU

Perry Fletcher is a Prohibition-era detective in New York City, notorious for being the absolute best in the game. Nothing gets past him. Right up until a certain Heinz Doofenshmirtz, a lackey for the mob trying to make it big in the world of organized crime, starts getting in the way...

The Titanic AU

Being the bodyguard for a wealthy family like the Flynn-Fletchers has its benefits. Like getting to accompany them aboard the Titanic on its maiden voyage, which leads to falling for one of the engineers when his young charges take an interest in the mechanics of the ship. All goes well until the ship starts to sink...

The Pony Express AU

Perry is a dedicated rider for the Pony Express, delivering mail to all sorts of remote locations in the Wild West. On his routes, he keeps running into Heinz Doofenshmirtz, a bandit with a heart of gold who’s trying to provide for his daughter while being on the run from the law...

So...vote here! I’ll probably close the form by in a couple days (or earlier if there’s a clear winner) and get started! 

There’s also a section to put in your own ideas if you’ve got them :D

(oh and I’m still accepting art requests until the new year!)

[galaxina-the-pyro]

MML? :0

The first character I first fell in love with: Melissa, she's just so great and I love her (she's also voiced by Sabrina Carpenter, and I loved her in "Girl Meets World", so...yeah. She's even better in MML, ngl) The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: Zack. I wasn't expecting so much character from him at first, I was kinda scared that they were gonna make him a one-dimensional cool kid who's not really phased by much, but he turned out great! He's hilarious! X'D The character everyone else loves that I don’t: Martin and Brigette Murphy - it's not like I HATE them, because I don't. They're really...nice. And that's all I can say about them? Linda and Lawrence were somehow more compelling. I've seen better parent characters. The character I love that everyone else hates: I mean...does Bradley count? I'm pretty sure everyone loves Bradley, I dunno if he counts. The character I used to love but don’t any longer: Does Perry count? This series actually kinda turned me off to Perry; but only in this series, don't come at me with your pitchforks The character I would totally smooch: Dakota, probably. But like Doof it's on the cheek. The character I’d want to be like: Milo, deeeefinitely - being able to problem solve and get through anything life throws at you, all with a positive attitude. He doesn't let Murphy's Law keep him from living life - in fact, he EMBRACES Murphy's Law fully, and never once considers "curing" it, and I find that just...so great The character I’d slap: Elliot Decker - like, brah, you told Milo TO HIS FACE that the world would be better if he didn't exist, and then proceeded to sing a SONG about it. What the flip is wrong with you? A pairing that I love: Milanda is so frigging cute, and I didn't think I would love it as much as I do A pairing that I despise: Hm...I dunno, I don't think there's a pairing that I'm particularly offended by? I guess I can just say Perryshmirtz again, but that feels like cheating...also, Katie Murphy is overrated and her ship with that comic book guy is kinda bland, Canderemy is better, bye~!

Thanks for the ask, Anon! :D