#(KILL dysphoria no more dysphoria >:])
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Ask box is open and I am taking poll suggestions
#yes I made this one to be educational#we need to talk about these symptoms more#and just how disabling adhd can really be#fuck marry kill#fmk#fmk game#fmk poll#poll#polls#tumblr polls#adhd#adhd symptoms#apd#adhd apd#auditory processing disorder#rsd#adhd rsd#rejection sensitive dysphoria#intrusive sleep#adhd intrusive sleep#adhd sleep
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when the dysphoria hits amirite
#squared sprites must get insane dysphoria like can you imagine#and for davepeta especially they’re getting the triple whammy of having components who are different species /and/ different genders#and there’s also just a random fucking bird in there#forever pissed that hussie immediately killed them off instead of picking their brain apart a little#like it leaves more room for headcanon but they deserved so much better they’re so interesting#art#sketch#digital art#fanart#homestuck#davepetasprite^2#davepeta#phase 57
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The only thing that's stopping me from making one for Sharena is the fact that I think I hit a limit to how many blogs you can have??? Huh. Whoops! Also paranoid about deleting anything. So I'd just have to strip an existing one and tbh I don't know how committed I am to that. We'll see.
#i have an old ass one that would be perfect to strip tbh but i feel like i'd be annoyed#at the blog order chronologically. it would be above my moe-core one.#i have another one that's like. i've been collecting dresses there. but i haven't actually published any posts.#i've come Close. but it's just something i've been so... maybe overly cautious about?#it is like. a mani centric moodboard blog. no textposts just fashion i think would be appealing to it/for inspo#but bc it is Such. Such a NICHE fucking thing. esp bc the fashion is all high femme. like.#i really did just invent the dysphoria nexus w mani LMFAOOO LIKE. IT IS THE DYSPHORIA NEXUS...........#mani is safe when it's locked in moe's head and when alfonse sees it for what it is (and maybe more importantly#sees it for what it Isn't. ESP bc it's hard to say that mani is anything at all. ect)#what if i give a false impression............. what if i accidentally appeal to the wrong audience................#what if i get killed. it would kill me. mani isn't allowed to exist outside of moe for a reason.#SO LIKE. all in all i would prefer NOT to strip that one but Also. there is nothing there. so. well.#then i have the lif one i'm planning on using for later BUT.... if i did the Stupid idea ....#of having lif quotes mixed in on the alfonse one.... but aaaughhhh that seems too disorganized for me.#IDK. IDK. maybe this is a mercy in disguise.#but i do love her............. i do need to study her..... i have been writing down her lines too............
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it’s like. i love being trans. and also if there was a loving god he wouldn’t do this to me
#usually my mental illness is emotional Nothingness. when i take wellbutrin i can feel again!#and when the wellbutrin loses efficacy i keep the feeling but lose the good ones so i just unlock Regular Depression. which fucking Sucks#and a couple weeks ago i ran out of t gel and it is a controlled substance so they wouldn’t give me my refill until the full 60 days were up#which meant i had to be off t for like a week. and i was so so hopeful that it wouldn’t do anything to me.#but it restarted my cycle so i’m bleeding rn. and it is so fucking awful#it Hurts and it feels Humiliating and Wrong#cramps and stomach issues And dysphoria and bleeding. nothing more evil to do to me right now#and it’s worse cause i was done with that. i literally GOT RID OF IT. I PUT THE WORK IN. I WAS FREE.#but i couldn’t have my medicine and now i no longer control my own body. horrifying. so horrifying#wore a kind of ill fitting binder today too and it kickstarted Other dysphoria on the drive home so. messed up rn.#i just want to be able to live my life man. i want to have a body that looks and functions like me#and can feel things and do things#and doesn’t subject me to hurt in multiple multiple ways. that would be really cool.#genuinely it does not fucking matter if god loves me. cause if this is what i go through when he loves me#then i don’t want his fucking love.#i hope god kills himself actually#i want to wake up and just be able to put a shirt on and leave the house. can you imagine a fucking world#gonna try nd sleep for like five minutes and then go to dinner with my mom. i can be okay. i can be stronger than my struggles#i just need to be really fucking angry with god.#great time to be reading paradise lost#valentine notes
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"where is this fic" "why didnt you answer my ask" "what happened to you posting regularly" im genuinely sorry but i am actively trying not to kill myself every second of every day. each moment i spend on this earth is a miracle because i was never meant to make it this far. apologies for the inconvenience
#i wish i could finish all my wips and write that kinktober prompt i got 2 months ago and interact with everyone more#but i am literally on the verge and i JUST started therapy like 4 days ago#like i genuinely think my dysphoria is going to kill me in the next year so im just trying to prolong the inevitable
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11/18 days of habit
and... I got my period. it's been a weird day overall but I really tried my best 😩✊😔 hopefully tomorrow is better
🍶 ~ 3L of water and I'm still dehydrated 📵 ~ 2.5 hrs + 4hrs of being on a call with my besties 🌙 ~ 7 hours // 7:30am wake
💻 did some work ig 👟 tried a new choreo! // it was pretty easy to learn but it's gonna take a while to perfect, especially if I'm attempting to recreate the dance gods themselves
yeah. that's it for today, hoping the pain subsides by tomorrow ✌ gnight besties!
#did i spend more than an hour moving around despite the debilitating cramps? yes. did it kill me? also yes#but for me movement helps with the dysphoria so yeah i'll tolerate the pain#studyspo#queued#18dayht#studyblr
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don't mind me, just casually ruining my life in episodes of mania
#a lot of stuff has happened over the last summer#it's hard to explain#but basically i have one year to save as much money as i can so if i need to leave this relationship#(again)#i have resources#i HAD resources but then i came back#lost everything#but honestly i have a year to decide if i'm going to disappear or not#and i'm also realizing i am way more trans than i thought i was#my body dysphoria is fucking killing me
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transgender dysphoria blues is one of those albums where halfway through you slowly lose the ability to sing along to it and just start bellowing wordlessly because even screaming along to the lyrics can't get all the feelings the music is giving you out of your system
#eliot posts#i like listening to it in the car on the long drive home from my parents' house#it's on long stretches of barren highway so no one can hear me scream#also bc i need catharsis after seeing my parents#i strongly recommend this album if you haven't heard it yet#but like trigger warning for... basically fucking everything under the sun#heavy emphasis on themes of transphobia and self harm and death but other stuff too#like dysphoria death suicide exploitation sex#prolly more im forgetting#but god. it's so fucking good and cathartic for me i am insane over it#it's a very good punk rock album w lyrical themes that kill me dead in a good way
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what is it about working on my assessment that has me spiralling into every single bad thought about every bad thing in my life
#ramblings#my life is genuinely not worth living and nothing is ever going to get better and why do i even try at this point#what am i doing this all for#like who the fuck am i kidding. im not going to get a good life after school#im going to rot in this useless fucking body because ive got zero balls to do anything about this fucking gender dysphoria#and then im probably going to kill myself or just go through the rest of my life completely depressed if i dont have the guts for that#so literally why am i trying why do i care about all this#like who gives a flying fuck about getting good grades im literally never going to be happy#this isnt going to make me happy its just stressing me out more i should just stop fucking caring#nothings ever going to get better anyway#vent
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#vent#im literally at the point where i think the best way to to deal with my dysphoria is to just kill myself#because I'll never be able to transition#its just a fact and really im tired a pretending there's hope#and its not just the costs or the fact i keep getting barred by medical racism and Medical fatphobia#but also the fact that that if i do transition I'll basically be homeless#and also more and more i realize that i also dont feel safe in alot of transmasc/transmen/general trans spaces#since so many of them that i come across still uphold bioessntialism and european beauty standards#and pust such an emphasis on passing and “passing the right way”#like I'll literally never be like them
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#argentina saw trump and went ''yeah we want one of those!''...#this absolutely insane man might become president and fully ruin the country (more than it already is)#which is never fun but even worse when you're queer...#today i'm glad i'm living with dysphoria every day but haven't started T#because as sad and absolutely awful as what i'm about to say is...#i can pretend to be a cis woman for safety...#which is a HORRIBLE thing to say or do#but i don't have to put myself out there trying to get hrt or anything like that#or legally change my name and gender mark while looking like i look... that might get me killed or something#bare in mind everything i'm saying A. hasn't happened yet#and B. is being said by someone with an anxiety disorder who can't see hope right now... so take it with a grain of salt#i'm just scared and i don't like the state of the world right now...#and we were somewhat safe in some aspects here and we're so close to losing them now#i'm scared and hate it here but i'm also broke and can't leave so...#we are where we are where we are i guess#angel talks#personal#sorry for the politics... i'm not going to start posting politics#the point of my blog is to escape the hell that is the real world... but i needed to vent and also you know me i love screaming at the void
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"girl" who wasn't posted a single image of herself for months: why is no one ever interested in me? :c
#to be fair people were barely interested in me when they saw me anyway#it's just that the dysphoria is hitting stratospheric levels now and i'm not really recognizing myself in this body#i need to start hrt yesterday but it will still be a few months until i can get a first appointment on the public system 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#just one more teeny tiny way being poor is making me wanna kill myself
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ive literally haven't had a consistent period in years why am i NOW starting to get them monthly 😭 like pls I was happy having a uterus that didn't work why must you betray me like this body
#ana bllog#ana trigger#tw ana diary#ed not ed sheeran#ana rant#is it obvious im not happy with the period weight im gaining#my cravings are going wild rn#not to mention the gender dysphoria is killing me#like pls what happened to my high amounts of testosterone#body i already hate you why must you make me hate you more
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"what if you regret it" my god i literally dotn care. if i do something and regret it its my fault and i just learn from the experience. but identifying as male has made me so happy and being called a girl ruins my day if not entire week
if i choose to transition after looking at all the side effects, things that can go wrong, etc. then thats kind of my fault anyway
and the transition regret rate is like 1%
#''but youre too young!!'' IVE TRIED TO KILL MYSELF SO MANY TIMES. i HAVE SCARRING ALL OVER ME. IM PRETTY FUCKING SURE THIS WILL HELP#i have literally cut open my chest because of dysphoria dont pretend you know more than me about what im feeling#IF MY MOTHER GETS IN THE WAY OF ME .#or if she abuses me .#i am just SICK OF HER#tw self harm#tw vent
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Never get tired of blocking fascists but claiming that trans genocide is good because it stops gay genocide isn't the serve you think it is
#actual gay men will tell you that your transphobia influences their own transphobia#anyways. claiming that trans kids having dysphoria and attempting to get help for it is mutilation#and comparing doctors to nazis#is WILD#transphobia tw#genocide tw#nazi tw#idiot tw#like ik theyre only a pond in a ocean but seeing so many people agree is what influences hate#claiming that doctors are a regime bc they attempt to give kids help is leading you to the right and closer to the nazis you compare us to#and saying the left is a disease bc you dont like that adults And children is what gets us to where we are now#bc the radfems are leaning more right everyday and ik you hate the people youre claiming to care about by saying its for our own good#but trying to make it less obvious by claiming its 'for the disabled children' is obviously working or else their wouldnt be so many#in agreement#i worry for the state of the world if they think that kids killing themselves is better than them going on hormone blockers#just for the chance they might be cis#like. you and the anti trans doctors your supporting#are making it more and more obvious you never interracted with any of the groups your claiming to want to 'help'#and the fact they always have the 'im SUPER RELIGIOUS YOULL NEVER MEET SOMEONE CLOSER TO GOD THAN ME' in their bios. yeah.
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what if i got into make up
#i want to look pretty. tbh#(he WILL have dysphoria if he tries)#not in a like. glam make up way in an artsy way yknow#idk i’m also going through a weird moment of would i be more attractive if i hadn’t transitioned. but i also would’ve wanted to kill myself#so the answer is no#i still need my hair to grow out SO BAD but that’s separate i just do not vibe with this length at all#ted talks
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